#and then fianlly publicly here but

[unhingedselfships]

I'm sorry. I feel like I'm on here everyday whining about something new. I know I'm a lot. I'm sorry. Y'all didn't sign up for Kimi's Daily Mental Breakdown

I'm scared. Of a lot a things. But. Something is wrong, and I don't know what. I keep spiralling and I feel like I'm edging at crisis again and I hate it. Especially because I don't know what the problem is. I can whine and cry and vent but. I think a lot of times those are just my brain picking an easy thing to "target"? I don't know what it really setting me off. I'll be fine with something, and then hours later I'm having an anxiety attack over it. And then hours after that I'm fine again. Is is too many things I can't process just cumulatively coming down? Is one thing triggering all of this and I just don't know what? I hate that. Feeling off kilter, like I'm on uneven footing, but not knowing what is causing it. Having emotional reactions that don't fit my logical thought progression. I don't. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I'm so scared. I'm not ok, and I don't know why, and I hate it. I'm sorry.

[drosera-nepenthes]

Playing at Tsar

There is one subject upon which writers in all Russian papers agree, from the official Pravda to the anti-Bolshevist Berlin Dni, and even to the monarchist Russkaia Gazeta. It is the manifesto of the Grand Duke Kyrill, who after a few years of 'guardianship of the Russian throne' suddenly styled himself Emperor of All Russia, to the lonely delight of a small group of personal followers. The Monarchist groups of Paris and New York, which include many prominent former statesmen and men of letters like Kuprin and Bunin, were not in the least influenced by the manifesto in their loyalty to the Grand Duke Nikolai Nikolaevich, in whom they recognize a leader, but not a Tsar. Nikolai Nikolaevich seems to possess a good deal more discretion, for he publicly declared that no Tsar should be chosen until this can be done on Russian soil and the chosen one can be Tsar de facto.

Pravda, which usually devotes many efforts to discrediting the anti-Bolshevist Russians abroad, thought the manifesto undeserving of more attention than a ten-line note in which Kyrill was called 'His Sans-Culotte Majesty.' Dni, the anti-Bolshevist organ in Berlin, printed an article entitled 'Violent Dementia,' which sufficiently describes its contents. In Paris Monarchist Russkaia Gazeta, V. Shulgin, the brilliant former Member of the State Duma, paraphrases the name of Kyrill's own newspaper, Faith and Loyalty, into 'Unbelief and Disloyalty.' The latter, he says are the only possible results of Kyrill's action. Neither the actual circumstances nor the personality of the self-styled Emperor are such as would create unanimous support for him. 'Here, abroad, a man with the Tsar's title can only be a source of new pain and new humiliation. We cannot bear to have a Tsar exist in the conditions of our exile. We could not, and ought to, be proud of Peter I, who carefully hid the splendor of his station under a carpenters blouse at Saardam; but it would be too painful to have a Tsar who would be Tsar to us and “His Highness” to every mail-carrier.'

Fianlly the ex-Empress Dowager Maria Feodorovna, who found refuge in her old age with her sister, the Queen Dowager of England, published an open letter to the Grand Duke Nikolai Nikolaevich, in which she disapproves of Kyirll's action because 'no man has yet been able to kill me the last ray of hope' that either Nicholas II or his brother Mikhail are still iving, and also because this is not the time, and Germany not the place, to chose a Russian Tsar. Nikolai Nikolaevich adds a few lines, in the curt, laconic style which once made him so popular in Russia as to excite Nicholas II's jealousy, to the effect he agrees with the august writer of the open letter.

The Living Age, 1924