#and then ended up in prison for beating someone up with a skateboard

[tittyinfinity]

I've got enough followers and have been gaining them steadily enough to where I think I might put an "about me" link on my blog

[miyuskye]

Today I stumbled on old posts from people reacting to the sk8 finale. I want to make a premise and say that I also felt mixed emotions after it and I was sure that there was something wrong with it. After two months and a half I can say with certainty that the only thing that felt wrong was the lack of episode time, but oh well. Thinking back about sk8, I feel that the writers and the director did the best they could with the time they had.

I think that the main source of confusion stemmed from people misunderstanding the point of the plot. I'm putting myself also among these people because I was so sad that Tadashi forfeited his match vs Langa, but after thinking calmly about that I realized that I just wanted to see Tadashi skate because I am this whipped for him XD and, in reality, even if he had a match with Langa, it would have probably ended the same way -- with Tadashi forfeiting the race midway and letting Langa win (since it's hinted that he's a skating god and Langa beat Adam because he was lucky). This is coherent with the small number of available episodes and Tadashi's arc.

Back to the general public confusion. I'm sure a lot of people were blinded by Renga and totally missed the point the staff wanted to make. It was confirmed in an interview that "sk8 is the story of Adam's search for his Eve", whatever this means (it could be Adam finding his Eve in either Tadashi or Langa, i.e. finding his Eve through the concept that skating is fun). The point is that the focus is on Adam and always has been on Adam. The fandom gave into a collective thinking that Adam was a pedophile and an abuser, but that's clearly not how the staff wanted to portray him. He is obsessed with Langa because he finds in him a worthy and, most importantly, equal partner, he adores Langa and given how loudly he expresses his feelings (i.e. painting a pierced heart over red chrysanthemum to shout out his feelings for Tadashi) his attitude toward him is just the embodiment of that. He isn't interested in Langa because of the power imbalance between them (again, he sees Langa as his equal); he just doesn't want to be alone.

And, yes, the final episodes clearly fit into the narrative of "skating should be fun" because Langa understands (through Reki) that skating with friends is fun and makes Adam remember that (meanwhile he realizes that Tadashi, his friend, was by his side all of this time). Langa, at the beginning, thought that skating was all about the thrill and the adrenaline. He didn't understand that it was fun and amazing to do it with friends/ the people you care about (paralleling to how he didn't realize why he stopped snowboarding when his father died). That's why from ep 7 to 10 he doesn't feel anything. It's because it was all about being with someone you care about, both in skating and snowboarding. He understands that through his relationship with Reki, but my point (and prolly the point a lot of people missed) is that it's general and it doesn't limit itself to Reki and Reki only. I don't want to invalidate Renga, of course not, I like the pairing and the ending makes it clear that Langa's happiness is skating with Reki especially. But the fun experience that comes from skating is a general thing and him going against Adam is just a consequence of that. He wants to make Adam understand that you should have fun while skating, and he wants to have fun with him because he admires him. He was never scared of Adam, and he generally looked pretty chill even when he smashed Cherry with his board. The only thing that mattered to him before his race against Adam was 'why did he start skating?' and 'he looks like he's not having fun' instead of 'i'm going to make this guy pay for his imaginary crimes with my board'. It was like a argument but between friends, the one that gets you in a fight (idk like Rin taking Haru by his collar in Free lmao) because you both want to stand your ground but still care about the other. Also, Utsumi also confirmed that she wanted them to fight with fists in the last ep XD

So, yeah, sk8's ending falls perfectly in the 'skating should be fun' trope. Moving on, let's talk about Kamata. She's, once again, a target for the fandom collective hysteria and she became like this because they projected their hate for Adam into her. Or into Tadashi sometimes, again completely missing the point that the show is about Adam. A lot of people wanted the police to raid S, but that couldn't be realistically attainable because Adam made sure to take off S from the patrol route again and I'm p sure he took additional measures so it wasn't believable for those measures to be shattered in less than a week (when S has been up and running for 7 years). Let's pretend she somehow managed to search Shindo's house. What would she have found? Nothing accusing Adam of Takano's crime. I understand that Takano's crime wasn't very well detailed but I'm thinking that it was something on the line of being bribed to making a certain kind of contract (when he talks about receiving illegal fundings it's the only thing that came to mind). And, on another note, Adam was the one leaking info to the police in the first place XD first, because he wanted to raise to the top of his party (and just standing in Takano's shade isn't his way to roll) and he wanted to have a leverage on the police, so that he could use that leverage to hide his borderline illegal skateboarding races. But they are two different crimes. Kamata wouldn't have found anything useful for the Takano investigation and, even if she managed to find proofs of S (and that's a big if because I'm sure that Adam and Tadashi go out of their way to hide the S screens also from aunties and the household staff), what can she do with those? They're not related to the investigation at hand and can't be used in that specific trial (which is about Takano receiving illegal fundings). A new trial should have been made and Adam wouldn't surely go to prison in one day XD furthermore, it's clear that Kamata belonged to a subplot and that she was a supporting character. She was never meant to be something more than that. I have a long history of elevating supporting character to something they're clearly not so I'm used not to feel 'betrayed' when this doesn't happen, but probably other people don't.

I don't know if I want to talk about Tadaai AGAIN because I feel like we said plenty about them. TL;DR the relationship is not abusive so the point doesn't stand. Tadashi has agency, and chooses to stay by Adam's side because he wants to (and not because he has... Stockholm syndrome... I cringed while writing that XD)

The last point should be the fact that people felt betrayed that Renga wasn't more canon. which I think stemmed from the fact that Utsumi can't decide what to ship XD she had the same problem in Free because she was torn between MakoHaru and RinHaru, but here?? I'm so sure she ships Renga and Tadaai but she definitely likes Eden too. (She wouldn't have had a whole ass theme song for them if she didn't 😊) and so she couldn't decide what route to take and she ended up taking all of them. Bless her, i love a multi shipping queen 🙏

On this note, I saw also some posts about Adam being a homophobic example of queer villain except for the fact that he's not. The authors have made it clear that they love him to no ends. He's not supposed to be Evil and Unredeemable. I don't know why people are so bent on labelling him with things he's not. My roommate told me that he gave off the creepy vibe at the beginning but she confirmed me that after ep 4 it's clear that he's not meant to be dangerous like the other villains he's compared to. I don't personally like people comparing Adam to Hisoka, for example, because I feel that there are very different intentions behind them. Also, I have a feeling people have never watched a media representation of actual grooming (or something that is closely related to this). There's no grooming in sk8. There are fanfics when people describe Adam this way (and while it's interesting to read them, I feel that he's/very/ OOC there), but he's not like this in the original canon.

Thank you for reading this 🙏

[comic-book-jawns]

An Old Friend

Dani was ringing up the order when Jamie walked out of the back room, eyed the customer and froze. The woman, too, had looked over instinctively at the sound of the door closing and then frozen herself. Dani, busy working on the order form, wouldn’t have even noticed the exchange, if the woman hadn’t spoken.

Woman: Oh... ma god.

Dani looked up first at her, noticing she’d turned several shades whiter, then over at Jamie, who looked as if she’d been punched in the stomach. While Dani had noticed the woman’s British accent — not exactly like Jamie’s, but not posh, either — she hadn’t thought anything of it. It’s not like Jamie knew everyone in England. But this one, evidently, she did, and rather well by the looks of it.

As Dani watched, Jamie’s face contorted with anger — no, not anger, rage. Dani was already rushing over as Jamie’s right hand curled into a fist. She reached her just as she heard the glass door open and close. The woman was gone.

Jamie was breathing so heavily Dani could feel it against her face. She gently took Jamie’s hand and tried to open it but was met with resistance.

Dani: Jamie...

Jamie’s hand started trembling. Dani massaged it.

Dani: Please let me -

Jamie looked down, shaking her head.

Dani: Jamie...

She’d seen Jamie upset before, but never like this.

Jamie: Please go home. I - I don’t want to scare you.

With her other hand, Dani gently tilted up Jamie’s chin.

Dani: Hey.

Jamie reluctantly looked her in the eye.

Dani: You could never scare me.

She leaned forward until her forehead touched Jamie’s, which was beaded with sweat. After a few moments, she felt Jamie’s breathing start to slow; and a few moments after that, she felt Jamie’s hand unfurl in hers. Dani pulled back just enough to examine it.

Blood from finger nail marks seeped between Jamie’s fingers onto Dani’s palm. Dani could’ve cried, but she knew that wasn’t what Jamie needed right now.

Dani: I’ll... go get the first aid kit.

She didn’t want to let go of Jamie, but she didn’t want to move her, either — not yet, anyway. She was back behind the counter in a matter of seconds, rummaging through the cabinets below.

Jamie: Dani...

It was barely a whisper. And then her vision went black.

***

Jamie: Erin was my first real friend.

They were back at the apartment, sitting on the couch. Dani had known Jamie would talk when she was ready.

After getting her patched up and taking her home, though, Dani had insisted she rest. Jamie had tried to assure her that she was fine, though she actually felt even worse than before, knowing she’d scared Dani, after all, when she’d collapsed. But then she’d realized she needed to sleep for Dani’s sake as much as hers, so she’d laid her head on Dani’s lap and drifted off.

Now, a few hours later, she was sat up, still in Dani’s lap, telling a story she’d never told anyone.

Jamie: I met her pretty soon after I moved to London. And it was like meeting... maself. We were born the same week. She was a few days older, had lived in London her whole life. But under... similar circumstances.

Jamie took a shaky breath. Dani continued rubbing her back.

Jamie: We never, uh... I mean, she had a boyfriend. Right cunt he was. And she knew it, too... but she’d just take it. No what matter what I said, she never...

Jamie cleared her throat.

Jamie: I don’t know if... I didn’t even really understand why I was so... attached to her... But whatever she knew or didn’t know, she took care a me... We took care of each other, I guess.

Jamie laughed.

Jamie: Not that we knew what we were doin’. We spent most of our time gettin’ pissed. Her boyfriend was older and a bartender, so...

Jamie looked down and started picking at the bandage on her hand. But Dani took her hand and gently pulled it away, massaging it.

Jamie: I, uh, I eventually got a job at a grocery store. But, you know, when I’d first arrived, it was rough, and Erin... she taught me, you know, how to... how to look out for maself. And I’m not sayin’ it was right, but -

Dani: Jamie.

Jamie slowly turned to her. It was the first time she was looking at Dani since she’d started talking.

Dani: You were just a kid.

Jamie: You wouldn’a done it.

Dani: You don’t know that. I don’t know that.

Jamie looked down again.

Dani: And, in any case, if you hadn’t learned to take care of yourself, we never would have met.

Jamie finally smiled.

Jamie: After I got my job, I went straight — well, not... ya know what I mean.

Dani laughed, and Jamie’s smile brightened but then faded.

Jamie: I still squatted in places. I still drank. But I stopped... But then, a couple years later, Erin had a... request.

Dani squeezed Jamie’s hand, feeling her tense up.

Jamie: She needed help with a job, a big one, way bigger than anything we’d ever pulled. At first, I said no. We’d been drifting apart, anyway... But she said she really needed the money. Wouldn’t say why, but she looked... scared, in a way I’d never seen her.

Jamie stared into space, as if she right back there, in that moment. Then, she looked down and swallowed.

Jamie: So... the day a ma 18th birthday — er, night of it, rather... we broke into the jewelry store. Well, she did. She’d promised I could just be the lookout, not that that wasn’t -

Dani squeezed her hand again. Jamie nodded.

Jamie: So, a few minutes went by, she was almost done.

Jamie shuddered.

Jamie: And then it all went wrong.

She cleared her throat.

Jamie: The owner, this old bloke, came barging outta the back, shoutin’ that the police were on their way. And Erin, she had the cash. She had enough time. She shoulda just run. I told ’er to, begged ’er to follow me. But... she panicked... and punched him. And he fell back into a glass case.

Dani gasped, despite herself.

Jamie: Yeah... Erin looked back at me, almost said somethin’.

Jamie cleared throat.

Jamie: But then she ran out the back... and I never saw her again... until...

Jamie was struggling to keep her voice steady.

Dani: Oh, honey...

Dani pulled her closer until Jamie’s head was resting against her shoulder, then kissed Jamie’s forehead. Jamie didn’t speak for a bit, breathing in and out to stop herself from crying. Once she’d sufficiently calmed herself, she pressed on.

Jamie: I went to check on the owner, Mr. Thomas, just... automatically. It was almost outta body, didn’t feel real. I heard maself sayin’ “I’m sorry” over and over, saw maself lookin’’im over. He was... he was barely conscious and bleedin’, but not... I’d seen worse. But it was bad.

By the time I got my wits about me, I could already hear the sirens, see the lights. They walked in and found me crouched over him, his blood on ma hands, with bills that had fallen outta Erin’s bag strewn about.

Jamie laughed darkly.

Jamie: Couldn’t blame them for jumpin’ to conclusions, really... But Mr. Thomas, I don’t know what possessed him, but he got them to drop the assault charge, even tried to get them to charge me as minor for the robbery. He had connections, I guess.

I was charged as an adult in the end but only got two years. They agreed to be lenient if I plead guilty, which I’d planned to do anyway, but two years was more than lenient. So, I reckon that must’a been his doin’, too.

Jamie sat up again so she could look Dani again.

Jamie: He came to visit me once in prison.

She smiled.

Jamie: Only person who ever did.

She looked away again.

Jamie: I tried to visit him when I got out, went back to the shop.

She swallowed.

Jamie: Turned out he’d died, a month after I’d seen ’im... car accident.

Silent tears were now falling down Dani’s face.

Dani: Jamie, I’m so sorry.

Jamie looked back at her, smiling sadly.

Jamie: The worst part is I’d gone there to confront ’im. I’d spent so much time inside resentin’’im for never visitin’ again. I’d wanted one person, just one...

Jamie’s voice broke.

Jamie: To explain to me... why I’d never been worth...

Jamie was starting to sob now, finally.

Jamie: And, turned out... he was the only one hadn’t -

She’d buried her face in Dani’s chest before she could finished the thought.

***

Dani saw her first. Looked up just in time to see her reach for the door. But Dani beat her to it, stepped outside and closed it softly behind her.

Dani: You need to leave.

It took all Dani had not to shout the words. Erin took a deep breath.

Erin: Please, I jus’ -

Dani: No.

Erin: I jus’ wanna explain!

Dani: Bit late for that.

She spit the words. Normally, she would never have dreamed of being so hostile, to anyone. But, she never would have dreamed of being so angry at someone, either, until now. Erin sighed, seeming to have finally taken the hint.

But just then, Jamie walked out. Dani immediately turned around to face her, not eager for a repeat of yesterday.

Dani: She’s leaving, I promise.

Jamie: S’all right.

Before Dani could react, Jamie had walked around her. Dani whipped around, bracing for the worst. But Jamie walked right past Erin, didn’t even acknowledge her. She walked a few more paces before turning toward a boy sitting on the bench outside their shop. Dani had been so preoccupied she hadn’t even noticed him.

Jamie: You skate?

The boy looked up from his Gameboy, startled. Jamie nodded to the skateboard propped against the bench.

Boy: Oh... yeah.

He had an American accent. Jamie smiled.

Jamie: Let’s see it then.

She gestured to the sidewalk ahead of them. The boy smiled shyly and stood up, shoving his Gameboy in the pocket of his cargo shorts. He looked about 12 and was already the same height as Jamie. He looked back at his mom, who nodded, then grabbed his skateboard and started walking down the sidewalk with Jamie. Something she said made him laugh.

Dani stepped forward to stand alongside Erin, who was several inches taller than her. Erin had a hand clapped over her mouth. Her eyes brimmed with tears. She tried to compose herself upon noticing Dani.

Erin: She should hate me... I would hate me.

For a moment, Dani didn’t say anything.

Dani: Good thing she’s not you.

Erin nodded. Jamie and her son had reached the end of the block now. He put the board down and pushed off. Weaving from the side to side, he did an olley, then slowed to a stop about ten feet from them. Jamie, who’d been jogging behind him, reached him as he kicked the board up to himself.

Jamie: Nice job, mate!

He smiled at the praise, even when wider when she followed it up with a high five.

Jamie: I think... your olley could use some work, though.

Jamie was smirking now. The boy laughed and handed her his board. She dropped it to the ground and pushed off in a matter seconds and much harder than he had. She zipped down the sidewalk and did an olley. Dani knew nothing about skateboarding, and she was rather biased, but it looked perfect to her. Just before reaching the end of the block, Jamie did another olley for good measure, then a wheelie and spun around to face them.

The boy, slack-jawed, turned to his mom.

Boy: She is so cool!

Erin and Dani smiled. Jamie was coming up on them now. She slowed, kicked the board up, caught it mid-air before her feet touched the ground, then handed it back to the boy, who still hadn’t closed his mouth.

Boy: You have to teach me how to do that, all of that!

Jamie cleared her throat.

Erin: I’m sure she’s a busy woman. We’ll let you carry on.

Erin walked over to her son, putting an arm around his shoulder to get him moving. But he stayed planted where he was, eyes still locked on Jamie. Erin leaned down to whisper in his ear.

Erin: Jamie, c’mon.

Jamie froze just as she had the day before, then looked over at Dani. But evidently, Dani hadn’t heard. Little Jamie finally turned away and started moving.

Jamie: Wait.

Jamie turned to face them.

Jamie: He can... you and Jamie can, ya know... from time to time.

Little Jamie’s grin could’ve split his face. He looked just like his father, yet nothing like him. Erin looked shell-shocked, then like she wanted to say something; and this time, she found the words.

Erin: Thank you.

Jamie nodded curtly, then headed toward Dani. Erin and Little Jamie resumed their walk in the opposite direction. He stole one last look at his namesake, then faced forward.

Little Jamie: Told you she was cool.

Jamie smiled briefly to herself as she walked into Dani’s waiting arms.

Dani: You’re amazing, you know that?

She felt Jamie laugh into her shoulder. Dani tried for smile herself, but she felt a familiar knot tightening in the pit of her stomach. For a few minutes, they stood in silence.

Jamie: It’s not the same.

Dani had been so lost it thought, she almost jumped.

Dani: What?

Jamie: You’re not the same as her.

Dani still hadn’t gotten completely used to Jamie being able to read her mind, even though she could read Jamie’s just as readily. Dani was suddenly blinking back tears.

Dani: But -

Jamie: No, “but.”

Jamie pulled back, so she could look at her. She cupped Dani’s face, brushing away tears with her thumbs.

Jamie: You did the right thing, and I will never resent ya for it.

Dani shook her head sadly.

Jamie: You are the bravest person I’ve ever met, Poppins, the best person I’ve ever met... And you are... and will always be the only person who has ever loved me, loved me completely.

Dani looked down, her lips trembling.

Jamie: You make me happier than I have ever been, and I wouldn’t trade this time with ya for anything. I wouldn’a made any other choice.

Dani, softly crying now, looked back up. Jamie pulled her close once more, kissed the side of her head, then cradled the back of her head.

Jamie: And I will always love you completely. Always.

[nadziejastar]

Interesting Things From The Dream Drop Distance Novel (Part 1)

This is it. The moment we’ve been waiting for. The KH3D novel is finally out! This is the first full translation of it that I’m aware of, so all of this stuff is new to us English speakers. And I’m gonna write about all of the interesting stuff in it. Especially the stuff with Lea. But anything else noteworthy, too. So far, I haven’t seen anything particularly interesting in the Disney worlds. But Lea’s section was filled with extra details, just as I expected. More to come later (I’m still reading), but here’s what I got for now:

“Sora and Riku are best friends.”

Axel’s eyes crinkled as he remembered his own best friend—the only friend he’d ever had, in fact.

“If your best friend goes away, you’re sad, and if you get to be with them, you’re happy,” Naminé added. “Isn’t that how it is, Axel?”

“…That’s about the size of it.” Axel nodded and sat down on the remaining empty sofa, staring at the sea-salt ice cream he held.

But first, it’s important to point out how Axel was in KH2, since KH3D picks up right where KH2 left off. I loved how complicated Axel being “best friends” with Roxas was. 

He seemed a tiny bit startled as he scanned the room, and his eyes fell on a particular drawing. “This is…me? And that guy Axel…?”

It was Naminé’s drawing of Roxas and Axel, standing side by side.

“You’re best friends,” she said.

Right. Those two had been friends—well, Axel believed they still were. Roxas was his only friend and his best. And Axel was the same for Roxas—probably.

Even Naminé knew Axel thought of Roxas as his best friend and only friend. But...she wasn’t so sure Roxas felt the same way (...he didn’t).

In Twilight Town, the evening sun sank toward the horizon. Roxas was perched on the ledge, high up on the clock tower, watching the sunset and thinking of nothing in particular. He liked to sit up here where he could see the whole town.

“Finally awake, huh?”

Roxas looked up. “Axel…”

His only good friend—his best friend—Axel had arrived with two sea-salt ice cream pops.

Axel always felt the need to assert that Roxas was his best friend and only friend. It was sad. He never acted like this in 358/2 Days. Just KH2. That’s how badly Saïx hurt him. He was doing everything in his power trying---in vain---to forget about Isa.

Roxas… hey, wake up. You’re really there, aren’t you?

You promised me we’d meet again in the next life… right?

Cause we’re best friends, aren’t we?

And then Axel faded from existence, vanishing into nothing.

A promise…

That we’d meet again… in the next life.

We promised.

I remember.

I remember our promise.

He made the promise with Roxas to meet again in the next life to replace the one he made with Isa. It was the promise of two best friends. Axel never made such an special and serious promise with Roxas. Roxas didn’t really understand what was going on when he made this “promise” with Axel. He barely even remembered him at that point. When they did meet again, Roxas disappeared and left Axel in tears.

I’m…dreaming. 

I’m in the usual spot on top of the clocktower in Twilight Town, watching the sunset in the distance. In my hand is a cold, salty-sweet bar of sea-salt ice cream. I’m eating it by myself, wearing my usual black coat. 

“Hey, Axel. You haven’t forgotten?” Suddenly, my best friend, Roxas, is beside me. 

“Hmm? What?” Roxas is eating ice cream, too. 

“You made us a promise.” 

A promise? What kind of promise? 

“I did?” 

“That you’d always be there…to bring us back,” says Roxas.

“Yeah…,” I reply. Each reply makes me nervous. Roxas should be watching the sunset with me, but I can’t tell where he’s looking. It’s unsettling. 

“Got it memorized?” Roxas points at his temple, mimicking me. 

“Best friends forever,” I answer. 

No one’s beside me anymore. The dream is short, but it feels so long—and then I wake up.

And that’s where his dream begins in KH3D. I think Roxas was symbolically replacing Isa here, too. It’s why the camera angle looks exactly like the clock tower scene with Saïx in KH3, when he said he was dragging him home. I wonder if Roxas (and Saïx in KH3) were supposed to be looking at something specific when their face is hidden. Axel said he was unsettled because Roxas should have been looking at the sunset, but he couldn’t tell what he was looking at. The whole dream had a creepy feeling that made Axel nervous.

Axel opened his eyes in the laboratory of Radiant Garden, a room with computers in the back of what was once an office. He wasn’t sure what was going on. He’d saved Sora, but what about after that? 

How did I end up here? Axel sat up slowly. His head was groggy. What happened? 

“Roxas?” He wasn’t there, but Axel could see himself reflected in the glass of the lab.

The laboratory was once an office. Makes sense. Ienzo was the one who suggested building the lab in the basement.

“That’s me…” He spotted a few others collapsed in the same room. The ones in white lab coats were Even and Ienzo, and then there was Dilan and Aeleus still in their former uniforms. Aeleus was starting to get to his feet with a groan. 

Why aren’t they wearing the black coats? Wait, don’t tell me— 

Axel checked his reflection in the glass again and looked for the marks. They were gone. The marks under his eyes were missing. 

It was definitely important that Lea, unlike all the others, was still wearing the black coat even when he was recompleted. He was wearing it when he lost his heart, which is unusual. And I like how the first thought that pops into his head to make sure he’s human is the marks under his eyes. He didn’t just randomly notice they were gone in the mirror. He specifically checked for them. They essentially represent his entire identity as a Nobody. Since Saïx mentioned them several times in KH3, I’m sure the entire backstory of how he got them was supposed to be very important to their relationship.

“We’re people again.” Oddly enough, he found the fact easy to accept. All four of the men behind him had joined the Organization here. Xehanort didn’t count, so there were only two missing: Braig and one other. 

“Isa?” Axel—now Lea—softly said the name of his old friend.

I always wondered what Lea meant when he said Xehanort didn’t count. Apparently everyone became Nobodies and joined the organization right there in that lab, including Lea and Isa. But Xehanort was different. He must have become a Nobody at a different time and place, probably after everyone else. He still had a Keyblade when Ienzo, Even, and Braig lost their hearts. 

Another reason I hate Lea and Isa being apprentices is that the apprentices (besides Braig, I guess) willingly gave up their hearts for research purposes. They knew what they were signing up for. Why would Lea and Isa agree to sacrifice their hearts? What was in it for them? Xaldin said that they sacrificed their hearts to be free from the shackles of emotion. When Xemnas gave his speech in Days, he said they organized to achieve power over the heart. Axel had no idea what he was talking about because he was not a founding member. Lea and Isa gave up their hearts and their emotions for a total stranger? That makes no sense at all.

“What the devil…?” said Aeleus, the first to wake up. He was holding his head.

“Beats me,” Lea replied with a smile as Ienzo also unsteadily got to his feet.

“What…happened…?” Ienzo asked. 

“If you don’t know, then I don’t, either,” Lea answered in his usual teasing manner. Ienzo frowned, clearly unsatisfied. 

Ienzo wouldn’t have known about any of the events following his visit to Castle Oblivion as a member of the Organization. Explaining it all would be a pain—although if he had retained his memories from the castle, things might get a little complicated. 

Ienzo’s Nobody, Zexion, was destroyed because of me. I need some time to myself to think before we get into all that. 

“I’m gonna go look for the others. I’ll leave things here to you.”

I love how cheerful Lea is right after he wakes up, even teasing the apprentices he no doubt despises. And he is worried that Ienzo will remember what he did to him in Castle Oblivion and things will be awkward. But he doesn’t seem to harbor any personal hostility towards Ienzo. Since he needed some time to himself to think, he probably felt a bit guilty. In the CoM novel, he said he needed time to himself after killing Vexen.

Lea left the other four and walked to the room Ansem the Wise had once used as his office, but the wall was decorated with a portrait of Xehanort. It was littered with books, just as he remembered from when he’d snuck in here before. No one else was there. 

Hmmm, interesting. So apparently when Lea (and presumably Isa) snuck into the castle, they made it all the way into Ansem the Wise’s office. This makes me think that they didn’t sneak in through the front gate (I never thought they did, anyways). They must have snuck in through the entrance located in the Postern, which led them directly to Ansem’s study. It would make sense if they were abducted while snooping around in there. 

I really don’t think it’s realistic that they were constantly sneaking in and out, visiting the secret prisons down that long staircase. Not only was the entrance to the lab hidden, that stairway was hidden, too. It’s also not very realistic that someone who broke into the castle and entered Ansem’s study would ever be allowed to become an apprentice. Also, Lea didn’t seem to recognize the portrait of Xehanort that was in there. So, at least at the time he was abducted, it wasn’t there. And that portrait was not there during Mickey’s visit. So, they became apprentices after Mickey visited and Ansem knew about his apprentices kidnapping people? Yeah, sure.

Lea stepped into the hallway and found a skateboard, covered with dust and seemingly abandoned for some time. 

“Don’t go leavin’ this here,” he muttered, then gave the board a small kick as he thought of its owner before walking off.

Ok, this is REALLY interesting to me. Is there actually some kind of backstory for this skateboard? Sora can ride a skateboard in the castle, but I never thought it had a narrative reason to be there. It is described as being abandoned for some time and covered in dust. So, it’s probably been there as long as the castle has been abandoned. Most telling is that Lea said he thought of its owner before walking off. Evidently, he knew who the owner of that skateboard was. That’s quite interesting. Probably wasn’t Isa’s. 

Perhaps it belonged to one of the other test subjects that Lea was acquainted with. When they were released, maybe they left their skateboard? I always wondered if they were gonna use FF characters as some of the other test subjects. What if Neku, Shiki, Beat, and Rhyme were subjects of the experiments? And that was how their existence came to an end and they found themselves in the dream world? That would be kinda sad. Or maybe it’s Zell’s from FF8. Who knows.

No, really, what happened? I mean, I know I’m human again. I always thought when a Nobody fades away, that’s when they really and truly cease to exist, but I must’ve been wrong about that. 

I’m the human I used to be; I can tell. We didn’t have separate personalities like Roxas and Sora. Why was that? I guess because Roxas was special—or Sora was anyway. But special how, exactly? 

“You’ve lost your hearts,” they told us, over and over, but I wasn’t buying it. Not completely, at least. If I didn’t have a heart, then what was that ache in my chest?

I like how confident he’s being here. Pfft, acting like he never believed Xemnas anyways, and always knew he had a heart. Well, deep down he always did.

Lea kept walking until the side entrance was up ahead. He could feel a faint breeze from outside. I doubt the other two are gonna wake up anywhere outside the castle. 

He stopped. Suddenly, he recalled a certain memory. 

It was back when I was a kid—yeah, back before they called this place Hollow Bastion. The first time they called it Radiant Garden. I met someone, and we kinda ended up friends. I hung out with him because I wanted to be remembered by as many people as possible and live forever. What was his name? 

Lea couldn’t recall, but the guy reminded him of someone else. Who was it? Memories from deep in Lea’s heart were resurfacing. Maybe turning human again was why he was suddenly remembering things from his childhood? No, he should’ve been able to remember all along. At the same time, the doubts he’d been holding ever since he became human again were beginning to come into focus.

Okay, very interesting. So I guess Axel didn’t remember Ventus during 358/2 Days, at least not consciously. He probably just felt like Roxas was familiar for some reason he couldn’t put his finger on, and being around him always made him remember his childhood. It makes sense that Lea wouldn’t remember someone he met for just a few minutes from ten years ago. But as soon as he got his heart back, he remembered Ventus. His heart remembered. Ven was supposed to be a VERY important part of Lea’s story, way more than he was in KH3. And notice how Lea has time to think about someone he barely remembered, but not Subject X, who he supposedly was looking for the whole time. Hmm.

But even here, Lea couldn’t make the connection between the kid he met way back when and Roxas. He only just barely remembered him, I guess. But it proves that Lea didn’t think of Roxas as a different person from Sora yet. As far as Lea knew, Sora WAS Roxas, and Sora was his friend now. His whole journey in KH3D, meeting Mickey, getting a Keyblade, was to look for Isa. Roxas had nothing to do with it. Lea needed to reunite with Ventus and rekindle his friendship with him. His obsession with Roxas got really old, and I’m really disappointed he didn’t evolve past it in KH3. His development regressed.

Why did we go back to being human? Did something change us back? What is Xemnas up to this time? No, he must be Xehanort now. 

“Sheesh, what a mess…” Lea scratched his head. What am I supposed to do? 

He needed time to think it over. Lea slowly made his way back to the laboratory.

Lea was still quite suspicious even after becoming human again. He knew that since Braig was missing, Isa was probably in trouble. I don’t think Lea would ever believe Isa joined the organization of his own free will.

“Where are they? I’ve turned this castle upside down.” 

Aeleus was putting books back in their former places on the shelves in the lab. Lea had to wonder if that was really necessary right now, but maybe it was just a soothing task for him at the moment. 

I love how Lea is wondering whether it’s really necessary for Aeleus to organize those books right now. It sends the impression that Aeleus is a neat freak if organizing stuff calms him down. Compared to some of the others, Lea didn’t seem to hate Aeleus as much.

Ienzo was also organizing the desk. He seemed to be searching for something, but Lea couldn’t quite tell. The other two were missing. “Hey. Are the other two out cold?”

I wonder if Ienzo searching for something was supposed to be important. Probably. He was looking through a book.

“What a drag,” Lea said with a big sigh, then turned to Ienzo and offered the only answer he’d found. “Could they not have been recompleted at all?” 

It wasn’t completely beyond the realm of possibility; in fact, it actually made the most sense. Even if Ienzo did explain further, they’d still arrive at the same answer. The question is, what do I need to do now? 

“Well, you see—” 

“Ah! Forget it.” Lea interrupted Ienzo before he could say any more, then, after another look at the portrait of Xehanort, shifted his attention to some scribbled notes on the wall. 

Secrets of the worlds, secrets of the soul, and secrets of Kingdom Hearts, along with some faded words that had to be a password. DOOR TO DARKNESS. 

Oh, so we finally get to learn what that note scribbled on the wall actually said. It’s all about secrets, huh? Very interesting. It was probably gonna be shown how that note got on the wall in KH0.5. We’ll never get to see it though.

The Door to Darkness, huh? 

“You know what? I’ll bring ’em back myself,” he said. 

“Huh? How exactly?” Ienzo exclaimed, which prompted Aeleus to slowly stand up and look at him, too. 

“Why do I always get stuck with the icky jobs?” Lea complained, although he didn’t sound particularly upset by the idea. He slowly made his way out of the room.

Lea was more than happy to use the dark corridors to find Isa. He seemed to be quite familiar with the Door to Darkness, too. In KH3, Ienzo said that they couldn’t travel between worlds after being recompleted. So, Lea’s ability to use the dark corridors as a human was quite special.

“What’s the matter?” asked Dilan with a nasty smirk. “Did Master Ansem say something again?”

“No—there’s a visitor from somewhere else,” Even replied. “Apparently, there really are other worlds.”

Xehanort frowned. “What does that mean?”

“Someone calling himself the king of one of those worlds came to visit Master Ansem. And from his appearance, it’s obvious he is indeed from another world. Said his name is Mickey, I believe…”

“So, the opening of the door affects the worlds,” Ienzo said quietly.

Aeleus and Braig had nothing to add.

This is a passage from the KH2 novel. Apparently Braig and Aeleus were aware of other worlds before the others were. Maybe that’s why Aeleus reacted so strongly when Lea said he’d bring Braig and Isa back himself.

[laurens-lil-fics]

Hallucinate - Matt Murdock x Powered! Reader Part 1

Series Summary: When members of a criminal organization start flooding precincts all over New York, turning themselves in, Daredevil must investigate to see what new player has them running for the hills.

Chapter Summary: Matt, Foggy and Karen are among a group of lawyers called to the 15th precinct police station when a wave of baddies show up to turn themselves in. But what’s sent them scattering in the wind?

Word Count: 1936

Warnings: Violence, kidnapping

Author’s note: I’ve been wanting to do a powered! reader series for a while with Daredevil and I think I finally have a good way to execute that. I hope y'all enjoy!

The call came around 1:30. 

Matt was about halfway down with the takeout Karen had brought him when he heard Foggy cheerfully answering a call from Brett. His tone completely changed once Brett started speaking. He heard everything, but still bothered to ask what had happened once Foggy ended the call.

“It’s the 15th... Hell, not just the 15th, stations all over Hell’s Kitchen are getting tons of perps just walking in and asking to be processed.” Foggy said, repackaging his noodles and quickly doing the same to Matt’s and Karen’s lunches. 

“Wait a minute, so Brett wants us to go down there why?” Karen asked, glancing between the two.

“Every perp is entitled to a lawyer, I can’t imagine we’re the only ones he called...” Matt said, standing and quickly putting on his suit jacket. 

Karen quickly called them a cab, and the three were on their way to the 15th. 

It was Hell pushing through the crowd of people just outside the entrance. News reporters, lawyers, investigators, even some people waiting to turn themselves in. If it wasn’t for Brett, the three would have probably been stuck outside.

“You guys got a preference? Take your pick, not a lot of em are very talkative...” Brett said, leading them towards the interrogation rooms.

“I thought you said they were turning themselves in, how are they doing that if they’re giving you the silent treatment?” Foggy asked.

“A lot of em are parole violations, some of em are guys we’ve been trying to find on petty charges. I think it goes a lot deeper than that, though.” Brett explained.

Matt could feel a headache coming on from all the commotion, people shouting they stole this or defaced that, all trying to get locked up as quickly as possible. Despite the sensory overload, he tried focusing his hearing for anyone in an interrogation room who seemed the most on edge. Someone who would give up information easily.

He found his target. He could smell the pit sweat from 5 rooms away where they stood. Once they stood in front of the door, Matt tapped Foggy’s hand, prompting Foggy to ask Brett to let them in that room.

The man’s heart sounded like it was about to thump out of his chest and into oncoming traffic just from the sound of the door opening. 

Matt, Karen and Foggy took their seats on the opposite end of the table from him, making their introductions. 

“So, Mr. Mackie, says here you turned yourself in because of a parole violation?” Karen asked, glancing between the man and his file.

He quickly nodded his head glancing between the three. “Look, just have them send me back to prison. I only got like a year on my sentence, just get them to send me back for the year.” He sputtered. 

“Mr. Mackie, it says you had a 10 year sentence, you’ve been spending the past 6 on parole. Why give up 9 years of good behavior? And so suddenly?” Foggy asked.

“Does it really matter?!” Mackie snapped, his heart rate spiking. “I broke my parole, I broke the law, I should be locked up! I want a different lawyer, you two ask too many questions!”

Foggy and Karen sighed softly, getting up to leave only to stop when they saw Matt planted in his seat. “Mr. Mackie, lemme have a moment alone with you, without my partners. I want to get this sorted out just as much as you do... the sooner you and I can cooperate the sooner we can get your court date scheduled.”

Mr. Mackie considered the offer for a moment before quickly nodding, sending Foggy and Karen out into the hall.

“Mr. Mackie...” Matt began, motioning to the door. “It doesn’t take a genius to know something else is going on here, what with all the other people outside, trying to get in here...”

He shook slightly, shutting his eyes before giving a frustrated sigh. “We were supposed to all come in separate... go to different precincts all over the city, make it look in...incon... not suspicious, yknow?”

“So you know all those people?” Matt asked, leaning in closer as Mr. Mackie glanced at the two way mirror. Mr. Mackie leaned in as well.

“We...we work together...” he mumbled.

“For someone... dangerous? Someone who threatened you?” Matt asked, his tone gentle so not as to scare his client into kicking him out of the room.

“It’s not the boss...” he whispered. “It’s the person after the boss...” Without warning, he pulled away from Matt, looking wildly around the room as if someone had caught the two of them. 

“Easy, Mr. Mackie, easy. Let me help you, do you know who it is?” Matt asked, keeping his voice level despite his obvious confusion. He didn’t hear anything suspicious nearby, nothing that could have alarmed Mr. Mackie.

“No! I don’t know what you’re talking about, I just violated my parole! That’s all I did is violate my parole!” He shouted, refusing to meet Matt’s gaze.

Defeated, Matt stood up before setting his card down in front of his client. “Well... if any other details about your parole come up... give me a call. I’ll come down here as soon as possible.”

Before Matt could leave, Mr. Mackie spoke up. “My parole... I broke it at the docks... the ones by West 57th...”

It wasn’t much of a lead, but that’s all Matt had to go off of. He told Foggy and Karen what he had learned, assuring them he’d be careful when he got to the docks. 

He was perched on the roof of a warehouse, one close enough where he could get a view of the docks and be able to run to them incase he saw anything suspicious. 

2 AM and no activity so far, save for some teens skateboarding by on their way to a bodega. 

A part of him worried Mr. Mackie had given him a false lead, something to satisfy him to stop asking questions about whatever his “job” was. Those fears were quickly discarded at the sound of several vans approaching the docks. 30 minutes passed without any movement, until Matt focused on the sound of a boat engine slowly approaching. 

It sounded too big to be a speedboat, maybe a yacht, but what would a yacht be doing at 2 AM in the Hudson in the middle of Winter?

Once the yacht was close enough, he could hear the sounds of people sobbing below deck, about 10 or 12.

“Holy shit...” Matt mumbled, sprinting down the fire escape and towards a cluster of shipping containers right beside the dock. Just as he climbed atop a container, the people were being taken from the ship and dragged towards the vans.

Armed guards waited outside the vehicles, looking around for any intruders. 

“Looks like tonight’s going off without a hitch.” One spoke up.

“Yeah, right when all those guys up and quit with their tails between their legs. More money for us.” another snickered, adjusting his hold on his rifle.

Another spoke up, this one sounding like he was ready to jump out of his skin. “You don’t think she’s really gonna show, do you?”

The first guard scoffed, it sounded like he nudged the other with his elbow. “Don’t be such a chicken shit. She would have gotten here by now. And if she does decide to show up,” he cocked his shotgun, “she’ll be getting a face full of this.”

Matt stood from his crouching position as the people were dragged closer to the vans, preparing to leap into action.

Before he could move, and just as a guard caught sight of him, he heard someone’s heart beating somewhere nearby. It was different, irregular almost. And hovering just above him.

“It’s Daredev-” before the goon could finish, he was sent flying into one of the vans, screaming until he made impact. The rifles the others were holding began to slowly twist and contort before flying out of the guard’s hands.

Matt could hear the wind whipping against the person’s clothing, their joints creaking as they twisted their hands and flicked their fingers this way and that. Vans went flying into the river, guards were sent this way and that. Those who had hold of the people they were attempting to kidnap began to clutch at their heads, screaming in pain and giving the people enough time to sprint away and hide.

The person slowly descended, glancing at Daredevil as they went. Once their boots hit the cement, they slowly made their way towards one of the men writhing on the ground.

Matt ran to the hostages who watched the scene in horror, only becoming more scared when they saw a man in a devil costume standing before them. “There’s a police patrol nearby, if you run you can make it to them in time and get to safety. Tell them to send back up to the docks as soon as possible.”

Some of them nodded, others looked like he had just spoken a made up language to them. Nonetheless, they all took off running in the same direction.

Matt leaned against the wall of the shipping container, listening as the person kneeled beside one of the guards.

“This can all stop... this can all be over.” She spoke, her voice muffled by the mask that covered the lower half of her face. “You just have to tell me where Blum is. And I’ll let it end.”

“Fuck you!” he spat, earning a sigh from the woman. 

“You never make it easy, do you?” she lamented. She raised a hand to his head, tilting it from side to side.

Matt wasn’t exactly sure what was happening, he had no idea who this woman was, if she was willing to kill these men or what. Just that she was after someone named Blum.

His train of thought was interrupted when she sighed disappointingly. “You really don’t know anything, do you?”

One of the more tenacious goons slowly stood up, trying to sneak up on her with his pistol at the ready.

Matt emerged from his hiding spot, throwing one of his batons at the man just as he fired. The impact made him miss, but still alerted the woman in front of them.

She flung her hand in their direction, causing the two to freeze in place. It was almost as if there was an energy around Matt feeding off of him, making him stay still. 

The woman stood up and approached Daredevil, her eyes trailing over his figure. “Daredevil... big fan. I’ll have to get your autograph later.”

Next thing he knew, he was sent flying towards a shipping container, smacking into the side of it. Upon impact, she kept his body planted against the metal.

She turned to the guard that tried to fire at her, only to be interrupted by the echo of numerous police sirens headed their way.

She turned back to Daredevil and released her hold on him, letting him fall to the ground. He felt absolutely drained, he could have fallen asleep then and there on the docks if she had kept her hold on him for just a second longer. At least that’s what it felt like.

“Next time don’t get in my way, Daredevil. This isn’t your fight.” With that, he heard her boots leave the pavement, and the wind whip past her until she had flown out of his hearing range.

Matt forced himself to stand up and run from the docks, just as the police arrived.

[dcmhnallach]

demiboy — ever hear people say APOLLO AMORETTO looks a lot like NICK ROBINSON? I think THEY/HE is about 22, so it doesn’t really work. The GRAPHIC DESIGN major is a JUNIOR that is from LIVINGSTONE, VT. They can be ADROIT, but they can also be INDELICATE. I think APOLLO might be A TIER 2 SHEPHERD. They are living in KIERAN. ( snot goblin. 20. EST. she/they. )

ok so i lied and this is after midnight. sue me. his background is a lil inspired by logan from veronica mars so like, sue me 2x. dnjkfmgh but !! give this a LIKE so i can come MESSAGE U FOR PLOTS !!!

TRIGGER WARNING - DEATH, MURDER, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, GRIEF

a e s t h e t i c s

fingers across keyboards and piano keys, m&m’s scattered, vintage gaming consoles and tangled wires, worn vans and broken skateboards, banging of drums and splintering drumsticks, deep rhythms beating with your heart, the hum of a hefty computer and the buzz of a monitor, green text against black screens, unruly hair unkempt, flannels filling closets, bloody baseball bats, posters lining up and down walls, loud punk music shaking the walls, glares and whispers, the suffocation that comes with loneliness, pills rattling in their bottles, unmade beds.

general info !!

full name: apollo casimir amoretto

nickname(s): cas, polly, lover boy, 2000 (b/c of his screen names lmaoo)

b.o.d. - january 31st, aquarius boi

label(s): the escapist, the hellion, the insurgent, the netizen, etc. etc.

height: hitting 6′0″

hometown: livingstone, vt !

sexuality: bi bi bi bi bisexual

stats

pinterest

biography !!

cristian amoretto and camilla silvestri had a romance that could be described turbulent at best, and downright explosive at worst

cristian, a native italian actor whose career began before he could walk, and camilla, the daughter of two italian immigrants with big dreams in a small town, met on the set of a coffee shop. their love story began quickly, dating within only a few months of knowing each other and engaged before the year was up

camilla walked down the aisle 6 months pregnant with lil’ baby apollo, who was then born in livingstone, vermont, aka the town that camilla’s family had settled in

was raised primarily by his mother and grandparents! his father was often off shooting movies, leaving camilla to take on the role of stay-at-home mom despite her own dreams of making it big as an actress

apollo grew up as a huge momma’s boy – i mean, god, he just really loved this mother, y’know? his relationship with his father was much rockier because of his … lack of being around.

when his grandparents died around the age of eight, that’s when things got…worse. it felt as if camilla’s parents were the only barrier between camilla and cristian’s budding wrath.

it became more apparent that cristian was not meant for the family life, his anger quick and his fists quicker, stinging words and venomous glares. a control freak who couldn’t handle camilla being independent.

this wasn’t apparent to the neighbors, or much of the town in general, because the amorettos were such a prominent family up in their beach-side mini mansion – it was hard to imagine that their life was anything but exquisite and dreamlike.

this was, of course, up until camilla filed for divorce and a restraining order in the same day, face bruised and nearly unrecognizable. she, obviously, got custody of apollo.

at this point in time, apollo was fourteen and…pretty stoked for them to get away from his father. they holed up southside and life continued as normal. for the time being. gossip swarmed apollo at school surrounding the circumstance which was annoying, to say the least. it led to him becoming withdrawn from the other students, not getting the whole … gossip appeal.

in hindsight, they should’ve moved out of livingstone. death threats in the form of letters and the eerie feeling of eyes constantly being on them came to a halt on apollo’s graduation day: the day that his father also, coincidentally, murdered his mother.

for making me miss out on years of my son’s life, was cristian’s excuse as he was escorted from the bloody crime scene at their apartment and into the police car.

cristian was convicted and sent to prison almost a whole year after it occurred. apollo still has dreams about testifying in court against his father as a witness.

and then apollo became known not as the son of two celebrities, but the son of a murderer. total bummer !

could not tell you why he stayed in livingstone, but he did. almost dropped out of college a good few times ( he isn’t passionate about graphic design, it’s more of him wasting time than anything else ) and spends most of his time raiding on WoW or competitively playing overwatch :/

speaking of college ! apollo was kieran’s roommate and like ... a close friend of his. the death hit him pretty hard b/c of his past.

lives in kieran but lately has been switching between his dorm and his childhood home - it’s technically his dad’s but he hasn’t been to his mom’s apartment in years. the mansion has become run-down and pretty grody, a sore sight that pisses off the neighbors.

he does identify as demiboy but he cares abt his identity like ... so little ... 

personality !!

his main focuses are computers / video games, drums / his band, and like … skating … vaping … gamer things, y’know.

from a young age he’d always been very fascinated by video games, and being the Rich Boi ™ that he was, ended up with a whole lot of them to play, on a whole bunch of consoles.

but like … he’s a PC guy :/ he may have a super rare nintendo 64 or two but nothing can beat his dual-monitor set up with his hand-built computer !

he also got real into hacking, y’know, just small things like watching security cameras in different cities and occasionally changing his grades b/c like … who wouldn’t ? also … cheated in dark souls. fucking loser.

his favorite games to play are multiplayer games so !!

he joined a band in high school because he was angsty and young, and like, turned out to be really good on drums ?? they had like … some real big jimmy eat world / green day / say anything / old school fall out boy vibes. just a whole bunch of ‘fuck the government, fuck the authority, anarchy, rebellion, revolt revolt revolt’ angry rock music that got a buuunch of noise complaints during practice.

his role in the band is essentially the ~nerdy~ one, because he’s a gamer, but like he was also Edgy and Angry and wore all black like Constantly ( he still does who are we kidding )

probably paints his nails black and has a nose ring b/c gamers can be edgy too !!

huuuuuge junk food junkie. like … he will consume Everything and Anything unhealthy. has a huge sweet tooth, he can’t remember the last time he’s drank straight up water.

he’s pretty much a loner, minus his bandmates -- having a reputation like his really ... puts off others. wasn’t the friendliest person in high school either, which doesn’t help. kieran and him were kindred souls.

to be honest, he’s really selfish. thinks about himself first and foremost, considers it to be a method of surviving in a fuck-shit town with fuck-shit people. wouldn’t hesitate to toss people to the side if it were to ever come down to it. he’s not a faithful pal.

he’s ruthless, impulsive, does whatever he pleases because he assumes that everybody’s already got their opinion of him due to his father. hard to stop him when he’s on a rampage.

seething with rage on the inside. :/

uuhhh so he’s got this fucking…pomsky, right? her name is tulip. she was camilla’s before she passed away and like, what was apollo gonna do, huh ? put the dog in a shelter ? hell fucking nah. that’s his dog now. give that dog an emotional support animal certification and boom.

this isn’t like a Personality Trait but idk where to put it so ! apollo’s on antidepressants ( and other medications, but y’know. that’s just how it is ) b/c like … y’know … the whole dad-murdering-mom thing sort of fucked him up a lot ! they make him feel pretty blah and diminished his sex drive so like … hook ups aren’t really an option for him 99% of the time.

besides that he smokes a lot of weed b/c self medication.

he’s … sort of an asshole. like … he can be rude and he doesn’t have much of a filter and i don’t know if there’s any softness left to him ! he just really misses his mom and has a lot of wishes involving changing the past and he reacts badly to things because he’s so defensive and on edge constantly.

no but he’s just like. .. sad gamer boi … a man and his dog … who also carries like five knives on him.

like he’s not socially awkward or necessarily Bad with people .. he’s just bad with people :/ doesn’t try hard enough ! is a little too apathetic ! chaotic to true neutral

wanted connections !!

bandmates !! i’d envision that there’s four or five members including him. two electric guitar, one bass, one drums / keyboard ( that me -_- ) , anybody singing ... maybe a triangle player ! or a cowbell ! i dunno ! endless possibilities.

fans of the band mayb ?? try to seduce him so they can party w/ them after a show n apollo’s just like :/ nah ( or yah ! )

people he clashes with hardcore !! people who are one n the same.

uuhh ... big slut for enemies ! ppl he refuses to get along with or they’ve been on bad terms previously for whatever reason. :-)

alternately, people he’s trying really hard to get along with but it’s not working b/c he’s a shithead.

maybe an actual good, close friend or two !! y’know. so he’s not completely alone. 

people he’s fucked over previously by ditching them / being unreliable / messy / etc.

besides close friends, someone who’s soft towards him or vice versa. because as much as i love angst, i love the uwu too.

ex-flings, ex-fwbs, ex-hookups, etc. etc. ex-gfs/bfs. especially from high school.

people he’s known all his life ! childhood friends, childhood enemies, old rivals, etc.

people who like ... stayed away from him / distanced themselves after his dad’s arrest. :/

okay but like ... imagine, okay , some sort of high school romance where he used to sneak into their room / sneak them out, n then they’d like. go wild out. y’know like, parents Hate him.

ppl who end up on one of his benders / night time adventures / whatever chaotic shit w/ him.

a hook-up gone bad could b fun !

gaming pals. gaming enemies.

skater buds ! vaping buds ! stoner buds ! apollo owns like three juuls.

someone he’s good friends with ( maybe ?? potentially developing Feelings at the same time ) but apollo fucks up their friendship / possible Something because that’s just what he Does.

somebody who thought tht like ... his childhood home was just Abandoned and Empty so they started breaking in to like. get high or fuck or whatever and apollo just walks in one day like ... what are u doing.

someone who caught him dealing juul pods to middle schoolers and was like ... what are u doing. idiot.

idiot reckless buddy pals !! wreck shit together !! burn couches !! chaos !

literally i’ll take anything sdjnfkmgh

[lightsandlostbells]

Druck season 2, episode 9 reaction

This episode is hard to watch. It straight-up turns into a horror movie in the middle.

I’m obviously very excited to talk about Matteo’s season but I still want to do a thorough job with the last few S2 episodes, because I loved Mia’s season and think it deserves a close look. Hopefully I will get these done soon!

Episode 9

Clip 1 - Mia and Alex on the stairs

Mia is coming back from the shop talking to her mom. Bringing her parents into the story more at this point is not only relevant to their own marital issues, as we’ll see, but again, a reminder of what we’ve seen of them so far and a way to connect that Mia is projecting her family problems onto what happened with Sophie. 

At first Mia tries to ignore Alexander, like she told him in her text to leave her alone. I don’t know if she’s so overcome with betrayal and hurt and shock that she thinks he isn’t worth her time, or if she just doesn’t want to face the truth. If she doesn’t talk to him, then he can’t confirm what Björn said, which would be devastating to her. But when Alexander wants to talk, she asks him outright if it’s true. When he says she can’t believe Björn, Mia points out that’s what Björn said about him. Ouch. It’s true that Mia knows Alex on a level she doesn’t know Björn, but that also might make the lies worse? Her boyfriend she opened up to and went through drama for vs. some dude she doesn’t really know.

He follows her into the building asking whether he knows how crappy Björn treated Sophie, and Mia blows up at him and says she doesn’t care who did what to each other. She’s mad that he lied to her about his sister. Because yeah, Alexander and Björn’s situation is a case of he said, he said, but the sister lie is pretty cut and dry. He told her she lived in Bali. Sophie is not in Bali, she’s dead. Therefore, he lied to Mia. It’s understandable she focuses on that. Alexander says it was just complicated and he would have told her. He’s not good at talking about that kind of stuff. Sure, I get that he finds it hard to talk about Sophie especially considering how she died. But you know, Mia would’ve had to find out eventually. When composing the guest list for their wedding, when Mia was like, “Hey, why don’t we invite your sister,” was Alexander going to be like, “About that...”? 

At the same time, while I understand why it’s the sticking point for Mia, it’s also still one of the things I find most understandable from his POV? I mean, I really do have sympathy for Alexander here, and you could also argue that maybe he was even entertaining the fantasy that Sophie really was in Bali. It’s a pretty big lie, but it’s one that came from a place of pain. And the content of the lie isn’t hurtful to Mia herself, like Mia lying to the girls about being sick was hurtful to Kiki herself because it covered up her lie about Alexander; Sophie being dead doesn’t really hurt Mia in a personal way. It’s just the fact that it was a lie that hurts her.

Mia points out that he beat up a guy and then disappeared for several days. Again, that’s all of Alex. His silence was the most damning thing, tbh. If he’d texted Mia after it happened and gave even the briefest explanation (like “That guy hurt my sister”) then it wouldn’t be as messy. And by not explaining, he put Mia in the path to contact Björn since obviously Alexander wasn’t going to talk.

Alex says Björn is a psychopath, Mia say Alex is also not right in the head, if he can do something like almost kill Björn. He says she’s exaggerating, but ... no, she isn’t. All kinds of stuff could’ve happened to Björn, and I don’t care about him, but I do care about Alex not going to prison for killing a guy or severely injuring him. 

He points out that she’s so pissed she could have pushed him down the stairs. Um, what? Which is also Mia’s reaction. Just from this angle, it looks like she’s angry and confronting him, and she grabbed his shoulder, but that’s not the same as pushing someone. But someone who is used to violence and abuse would think that. I truly doubt the thought even crossed Mia’s mind, it wouldn’t cross most people’s minds. So either that behavior is normal to him, or he’s just trying to counter her by making his own actions seem not that unusual. She says she didn’t push him and that’s the difference. Alex said if he did to her what Björn did to him, she would’ve pushed him. Man, that’s creepy? Like I know that Alexander is not a bad guy, and that Björn is a very bad guy, but he is being somewhat manipulative. Especially from Mia’s perspective, since she’s still in the dark, and Alex is basically telling her she’s capable of violence. As much as I would get a visceral thrill out of seeing Mia push Björn down the stairs, doesn’t seem to be the case.

Clip 2 - Mia and Amira on violence

Mia sits by a window at school, when Amira comes up. Hey, they managed to make this clip a windowsill scene like in OG, sort of!

The timing and context of this scene is pretty different from OG, obviously. With Noora and Sana, this scene happened before Noora told Vilde about her and William, so that was a critical component of the scene, the secret relationship, Noora being able to spill about William to Sana when she’d bottled up much of her feelings. This scene happens after Kiki knows, everyone knows, the happy ending should have been achieved.

Mia alludes to some Alex drama, then says she was truly in love with him. A lot of the dialogue here is similar to OG, such as when Mia asks Amira whether she ever just wants to get drunk and hook up with someone, and Amira says her faith is stronger than desire, and when Mia says her principles were the most important thing, but then since Alex, he’s the most important thing.

Mia tells Amira about the whole Alex-Björn-Sophie history and situation. Amira is surprised that Alexander had a sister. I wonder how plausible it is that so few people would know? I think it is perfectly possible, especially if the family tried to keep it quiet, but did Sophie go to the same school as Alex? IDK, it’s not really a nitpick, just wondering if there wouldn’t be any gossip at all, and if Sophie’s former classmates would have any idea she died, if there were any news articles about it, people posting memorials to Sophie on social media, etc. (I can definitely buy Mia and Amira not knowing, but Kiki would certainly be clued in to the gossip.)

Mia says she doesn’t know why she got involved with Alex because he’s not good. Amira is like, because he lied or because he beat up that guy? She doesn’t get it, why did Alex beat him up? Mia explains about Björn saying Alex blames him for the death of his sister, but that it’s not true. According to Mia, Alex twists her words, he says everyone in his situation would react the same way. Amira is like, hit someone with a skateboard??? My beautiful girl, we are on the same page with that one. But she also says, you don’t know exactly what happened between this guy and Alex, and you don’t want to know? Mia is like, is there a reason to hit someone with a skateboard? Amira says it depends what happened. I love her attitude here, I’ll get that that in a minute.

Amira is like, so it’s over between you, because of your principles? She says that when the fight happened with Hanna and those girls, she broke one of those girls’ noses. LMAO WHAT. Damn, Amira went hard.  Were there any consequences for that? Not that I blame her since the other girls started the fight. Amira asks if Mia wants to stop associating with her, too. Mia says it was self-defense, they went after Hanna first, but Amira points out she doesn’t reject violence categorically. And well, it’s not mentioned, but Mia also jumped into that fight, she can’t cancel herself, lol.

The lesson for Mia is to find out the truth before she passes judgment. Amira is all, look, I’m not a fan of Axel either, but I saw how you two looked at each other, and maybe he deserves to be listened to. Mia and Amira share a little comfort moment where Amira rubs Mia’s arm and Mia puts her head on Amira’s shoulder.

Oh my God. They improved on this moment from the original show. You guys. This was my least favorite scene in all of Skam, and they made it so much more palatable for me. I’m so happy.

I was always bothered how Sana went to bat for William when she didn’t even know him. For instance, she says that William was angry and scared when he smashed the bottle on that guy’s head, but how could she possibly assume that from his motivations? I get assuming the best of people, but Sana doesn’t know William and she cannot accurately say that he’s a guy with sympathetic motivations and not some dude who just loves fighting and being violent. Like it came across as William apologia from the show’s voice of reason so we were supposed to accept it. Amira, on the other hand, does not make any assumptions about Alex’s motivations - she’s confused by what they were, and questions Mia’s hardline stance against violence, but she doesn’t jump in to tell us that Alex probably had good reasons for what he did. In fact, she says she doesn’t like Alex much, but she saw how Mia and Alex were together and maybe he deserves to have his side heard. I feel like this is what the original scene was trying for, and it somewhat got it across, but it was just framed in such a weird way, where Sana came across as defending William more than supporting Noora IMO, and in a situation where Noora was upset about him being violent. It was such an unhealthy message to be sending. Here I felt way more that Amira was Team Mia first and foremost, but she made a logical point by bringing up the fight to defend Hanna, and sure, it’s not the exact same situation, but it’s a decent way to illustrate that things aren’t always black and white, and maybe Mia should at least hear him out before she ends things with him. 

And you know what? If Mia still wanted to be done with Alexander after this point, I’d be fine with that. Of course I know he has his reasons to do what he did, and I mean, from a story perspective I want them to end up together, but ultimately Mia is within her rights to say she doesn’t want to be with a guy who’s capable of beating someone with a skateboard no matter the reason. I felt like Amira was making more of a suggestion to listen to Alex, rather than a judgment toward Mia for not listening, which goes over way better with me.

Also, this scene is missing the part where Noora complains that William is controlling and she feels like she can’t argue against him, and Sana is like ... but does he get angry when you disagree? Then what’s the problem, that he’s smarter than you? That part of the scene has never felt right with me, first of all because William’s not actually that smart, lmao, all of his arguments are self-serving and it frustrated me that Noora wasn’t allowed to pick at the obvious holes in his bullshit. But more importantly, because it felt like there was no problem if William like ... didn’t Hulk out when Noora disagreed with him, that him getting angry was the only possible reason him telling Noora what to do or feel or think would be an issue. As if him trying to tell her what to think/feel/do in itself isn’t a problem, but also, completely ignoring that there are other ways besides anger someone can react unhealthily if you disagree with them. Like, for example, belittling you and calling you naive, something William does to Noora. Or dismissing your concerns as a tedious hurdle to get over, something William also does to Noora. Or turning your argument back on you, making you seem like the bad guy, like oh, you thought I was mean for saying something rude to Vilde? Well YOU were the mean one for saying rude things to me after that! Something William does to Noora. Sana’s response to Noora’s concern that William was controlling presented manipulative behavior within the limited manifestation of anger, when it can take so many more forms. And to be clear, Alex does say a lot of the same bullshit earlier in the season, during the date with Mia, but at least here Amira isn’t rushing to defend him. (And you know, if your friend tells you she thinks her boyfriend is controlling, maybe you should just accept her gut feeling and not try to talk her out if it. She probably knows better than you. Just saying.)

Clip 3 - Björn ruins everything

It’s raining and Mia’s headed to Alex’s. She run into Björn coming out of the building. Björn says he was there to see Alex, but he wasn’t home. Mia’s like, you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, maybe not for Alex, but anything that potentially leads to Björn getting his ass beat sounds like a magnificent idea, IMO.

They have polite talk about how he’s doing. He’s leaving but then turns around and apologizes for dragging Mia into this, it should be between him and Alex only. See, I can completely get why Mia might give Björn some benefit of the doubt, because outwardly he seems polite and thoughtful. He seems to be handling the matter more maturely than Alexander. Alex might be the better guy on the inside, but on the outside he can be rude and inconsiderate.

Mia starts to cry and sits down on the stoop, saying how everything happens at once. Björn sits down; he’s not overly in her face at this point, like he’s not trying to hug her or touch her, he just carefully asks if he should go and then sits down with plenty of space between them. Again, right now Björn doesn’t seem like such a terrible guy. It’s not like his behavior immediately pings as predatory. 

Mia gets a text from her dad about her parents’ separation. Her mom kicked out her dad. Björn offers sympathy and beer. She says no, but he says alcohol can solve all your problems. So she agrees to a beer, and Björn goes off to get some. It’s pretty subtle, this moment, because again Björn seems like a nice guy, and in another instance, this could be a completely innocent suggestion. But he’s basically planning to lower her defenses. If she has one beer, maybe she’ll have another. And another. Maybe she’ll get drunk. Maybe she won’t be able to fight back. When Mia initially declines, he re-suggests it in such a friendly, helpful way, not like he’s pressuring her. But he does want her to re-consider. Like why does Björn care whether Mia has a beer or not, why is he invested? It’s chilling when you look back at this and see how his intentions were there all along.

While Björn is gone, Alex calls. He’s at school about to take a maths exam, but they express their desire to talk. They’re very polite and calm, not heated or emotional. They agree to talk tomorrow. Björn just ruins everything, they would have worked things out and Mia wouldn’t have been assaulted if Björn hadn’t been creeping around Alex’s. Actually, why does Björn go to Alex’s place? Is he stealing stuff? Trying to get Sophie’s things? He’s just a creep who gets off on the power of walking through Alex’s place when he’s not around?

Björn comes back with the beer and they clink to divorced parents. He tells her a story about his own family problems; he found chats between his dad and an old school friend, and his dad told him not to tell his mom, but his mom eventually caught the dad Skyping nude. Dad said Björn knew all along, so she kicked both of them out. But now he’s over it and gets along well with his parents.

This is a pretty interesting anecdote, honestly, because my initial reaction was, well, that’s shitty of Björn’s mom. It’s not your kid’s fault, the dad is the one in the position of power and the one who’s cheating on you, the dad is throwing his son under the bus. And then I was like ... well. If this story is true. Because this is something else manipulative of Björn, telling Mia a sad story that relates to her own family problems at the moment. Gaining her sympathy, opening up to her and telling her something personal so she feels she can trust him. I mean, Björn got me here and I know what’s coming in the story. If I momentarily forgot this guy’s true character, then it’s easy to see how Mia can feel like this guy isn’t so bad.

We don’t know if that story is true or not. If it’s true, then it’s an indicator of a dysfunctional family life and possibly a bad upbringing full of secrets and lies - definitely not an excuse for Björn’s behavior, though. Alexander also has a crappy family situation and he manages to not assault drunk girls. In any case, it’s a disturbing story. Björn says he’s over it and has a good relationship with his parents, but does he really? Is that just a thing he’s saying to make Mia think he doesn’t hold grudges? He’s not bitter at his mom for throwing him out as a teenager, he’s totally chill, he’s not the villain that Alexander said he was. He wouldn’t have an unwarranted grudge against Alexander or anything. The story not only makes Mia feel bad for him, but it makes him sound like a level-headed person who doesn’t cling to past wrongs. And the story also makes him sound like an innocent bystander, basically. Björn is the victim of other people’s indiscretions. And hey, maybe in this case it was true, but there’s something about it that primes you to think maybe Björn was just an innocent bystander in the Hardenberg family drama as well. It’s all pretty subtle but looking back on it, you see that sharing this story wasn’t just casual, it was strategic.

Mia says she doesn’t even know why it makes her feel bad, her parents are terrible together. He says it’s stupid to wish everything stays the way it was. They walk off together into the rain. It gets a little blurrier. Probably because Mia is drinking. 

By the way, I love the presence of the rain in this clip. It might have been unintentional, it just happened to rain the day they filmed this scene, but I appreciate the atmosphere it conjures. Wet and cold, not super comfortable if you’re caught in it. Just something to add to Mia’s gloomy mood. (Or, you know, I also just like rain sounds.)

We see the two of them getting on the bus and Björn filming her for Instagram, through the POV of his phone’s camera. She’s not into being filmed, but Björn does it. Meanwhile Mia is opening another beer. Björn is getting closer to Mia, leaning into her for a selfie. Seems ominous as FUCK. 

Clip 4 - Run away, Mia

Mia is still hanging out with Björn. NOOOOO BABY NOOOOO.

She says she has to go home and FaceTime with her dad, she explains her parents live in Madrid and that she’s 18 and lives alone, moved out when she was 16. Her aunt lives around the corner and used to check on her. We didn’t hear that before? I mean, maybe they weren’t super close, but auntie was an adult figure in Mia’s life monitoring her, that seems like an added bit of stability instead of a 16-year-old being completely on her own. But anyway, this part of the conversation gave me massive anxiety, because I was so worried that Björn was going to use this information against her. He knows she lives on her own, not with her parents, and I was afraid he was going to follow her home or try to go back with her and basically use this information to prey on her. I was utterly dreading that happening and hoping that like, Hans and Linn would be there to intervene and Mia wouldn’t wake up with Björn in her bed or something.

Mia says she doesn’t want to study, and Björn suggests hanging out with the guy her boyfriend almost killed instead. At that, Mia says Alex said Björn treated Sophie badly. Björn does not actually deny this, which is a red flag, IMO. He says that they treated each other badly and Sophie was complicated. Look, it happens in real life, instances where both partners in a relationship hurt each other, it’s mutually toxic, but abusers being like “my partner hurts me too” is a common defensive tactic. They shift responsibility for the abuse and present themselves as the victim, too. Notice he doesn’t elaborate on how exactly they treated each other badly, he just walks away, ending that line of conversation. 

He sees some people taking a photo and he offers to help them. See, what a helpful, decent guy he is! Don’t think too much about the Sophie thing! Then he has them take a picture of him and Mia. (I love the one lady who’s waving at them, lol.) Björn has the guy take picture after picture, “one more” over and over. If I didn’t have bigger reasons to hate Björn, I’d want to kick his ass just for that, tbh.

Oh no, it’s even later and Mia’s still walking around with Björn, drinking. Lots of focus on the beer bottles. The night seems to get dreamier as it goes on.

OH JESUS that shot of Mia smiling and Björn blurred in the background, then switching to Björn in the background eyeing her. Fucking CHILLING, it’s like he’s eyeing her like prey. It doesn’t last too long and it doesn’t beat you over the head or anything with what a bad dude Björn is, but it’s enough to send shivers down your spine. It’s enough to make you think something is off, in case you too got drawn into Björn’s faux harmlessness.

I get why Mia would be out with Björn, because he has done a very convincing job of seeming normal and nice. She’s going through a very hard time, with Alexander, her family, not to mention other stresses like exams, and this evening feels like an escape. She can wander through the city drinking and feeling free and having fun. Björn isn’t asking anything heavy of her at this point. He’s just been a sympathetic listener and a chill companion. He’s managed to get to Mia when she’s vulnerable and wear down her defenses with alcohol. This guy is a skilled manipulator. 

Clip 5 - Kill Björn, for real

Mia just keeps drinking. Oh no. She’s getting dizzy and drunk. She checks her phone and sees how late it is. . I like how the camera is all wobbly and gets blurry at points, like she’s so tipsy that it takes a moment to focus on her phone. She realizes she has to get home. Björn stops her. He tries to kiss her and she steps back, her giggly relaxed mood gone. She says she’s going to drink water. She goes into a bar or restaurant or something and is in the bathroom drinking water from the sink. (The graffiti reflected in the mirror says Eazy Peasy Lemon Squeezy, by the way. Truly the most important detail of this scene.)

Mia pukes a little into the toilet. She moans as if in pain. Things are getting very unstable and unfocused now. The sound effects and cinematography are ominous as hell, like this went south real fucking fast. There are a lot of closeups so you only get brief glimpses of what’s happening

OH MY FUCKING GOD HE’S BEHIND HER, WE SEE HIM STANDING IN THE BACKGROUND AS SHE’S HUNCHED OVER THE TOILET

Jesus CHRIST this is filmed similar to a horror movie, like he’s Michael Myers or some shit. Seriously, they film Björn similar to a slasher villain, his face blurred out, his figure unfocused in the background. Poor Mia is sick and feeling miserable so she doesn’t even notice that he’s behind her.

Was he locking/barring the door?

…. What is he doing?

HOLY FUCK IS HE JERKING OFF AND FILMING HER, DESPICABLE

The sound of his breathing as he does that ... JFC, he IS Michael Myers.

The look on her face when she realizes she’s not alone, damn. She gets up and shoves him aside, says to leave her alone. Thank God she was able to escape. 

Mia gets outside and there’s some slow motion as she runs through the streets disoriented. She gasps when some guy asks if she has a light. Everyone is a threat now. She must also be worried that Björn has caught up to her or found her.

Björn texts her the pictures he took of her that day, going from smiles and happiness to Björn filming Mia from behind in the bathroom. The way the clip ends on her heavy breathing makes me think of Alexander’s panic attack and the focus on his breathing.

So we’re still doing this storyline, with only two episode left. I am glad that they didn’t drop such an important theme of S2; earlier, as we were getting closer to the end of the season with this plot not happening, I thought they might not include Björn assaulting Mia, but that sexual assault would be brought up because it turns out Björn raped Sophie and she ended up committing suicide because of it. I definitely wouldn’t say they toned down the assault but they did omit a part that would absolutely require more screentime than is perhaps possible at this point, when Noora thought she may have been raped but is unsure because she blacked out. That was like a two-episode plot point, there were scenes that focused on her finding out the truth. Something terrible happened to Mia, but it seems like she’s mostly aware of what happened; she was drunk but she didn’t black out. Narratively that’s better for the remaining time in the season, it would be waaaaaay too intense to cram in Mia trying to figure out if she was raped by Björn while she was unconscious, on top of wrapping up everything else in the season.

This clip was really, really good. Horrifying, but well-executed. The reveal of Björn standing behind Mia in the bathroom caused genuine fear in me. It was pretty clear about what happened but it didn’t cross over into unnecessary grossness because they had Björn be shadowed and his movements be kind of obscured, like it was shocking but didn’t feel like the moment was done for shock value, if that makes sense.

Clip 6 - Mia shutting out the world

Mia is lying in bed. She’s got wet eyes but she almost seems all cried out.

Hanna texts her about missing her bio exam, oh no. Mia says she’s sick. Nooo, Mia, don’t cut yourself off from your friends about this. 

Hans and Linn come in and say Alexander is here. Mia says she’s sick, and the roommates already told him that but he won’t leave. She still doesn’t want to see him. However, Alexander comes and knocks on the door. She gets up and locks it. I like that moment, how careful and quiet it is, but also how simple it is, like she doesn’t seem to be debating it too much, she just knows with utter certainty she cannot face Alexander right now, and that’s heartbreaking. 

You can hear Alexander trying to open the door and calling for her but it gets blocked out when Mia gets back in bed and sticks in her earbuds and listening to sad music - like the reverse of that earlier scene where she took out the earbuds to be able to hear him. There she was slowly opening up to Alexander, here she’s decisively trying to shut him out. 

I like that the camera gets so close and focused on Mia toward the end, like she’s shutting everything else out. Except her own thoughts, those she can’t escape. The closing images after Mia shuts her eyes are flashbacks to last night, the trauma lingering.

Clip 7 - New Kiki is an upgrade

It’s a few days later. Mia is on her bed, looking at her computer. Hans says the kitchen is on fire and to come help, and lmao, I love that this is  apparently plausible enough that Mia doesn’t call bullshit, like Hans could genuinely be burning down the apartment right now. which I guess was to lure her out of her room. But of course it was really to lure Mia out of her room, and when Mia opens the door, he says it’s a lie, and that she has a visitor.

Kiki is there, and she is wearing big round glasses that are utterly adorable. I love this development for how cute she looks and because of what it says about Kiki’s potential development. I don’t know, is it still considered uncool to wear glasses, or have we moved beyond that? But I do think that an image-conscious person like Kiki wearing big round glasses is a nice sign of her being more comfortable in her skin.

Kiki asks about her and Mia says she’s sick with a fever, Kiki doesn’t buy it. Worth mentioning that the last time Mia claimed to be sick, it was also fake, so Kiki is gonna suspect another fib right away. She says that Hanna said Mia missed her biology exam and didn’t call in sick. Mia said she forgot. Mia :(

Mia says Kiki doesn’t have to take care of her when she’s been a terrible friend and Kiki has better things to do, but Kiki shuts that down, saying Mia Winter doesn’t whine and she doesn’t pity herself. Heh, I love that Mia tried to push her away but Kiki seems totally over the drama, which is a big step considering a few weeks ago she was posting angry IG stories showing how she was pissed at Mia.

That gets through to Mia a bit. She says she likes Kiki’s glasses. Kiki does that expert push-up-the-nose gesture glasses wearers learn to perfect and thanks her, saying Carlos thinks they’re ugly. Mia correctly is like, he has no taste, you look fantastic! Kiki says she thinks so, too. Awww! Kiki was so willing to change herself for what Alexander wanted (trying to get a new perfume because Alexander didn’t like hers) that it’s nice to hear she doesn’t give a fuck what her boyfriend thinks about how she looks. It’s about what Kiki likes about herself, not a boy.

I like Carlos and all, but he’s the one in need of glasses if he doesn’t think Kiki looks good in hers. I mean that is legitimately a terrible opinion. This is why girls should not listen to boys’ hot takes on their appearances

Kiki says she’s feeling really good, although Carlos tells her she should go to a therapist because she’s so concerned about gaining weight. Mia is like, that’s what I’ve been telling you since we’ve met! Kiki says she never said it so directly. Well … fair point, from what I recall? Did Mia ever outright say Kiki should try therapy, or has she always been carefully walking up to the subject but never quite getting there? Really I’m not sure Kiki would have tried therapy before, and I don’t want to pin it on her getting a new boyfriend and valuing his opinion, but I also think the fact that she’s no longer chasing someone who isn’t interested in her, trying to keep his attention, does a lot to push the focus back to herself. Not what Alexander wants, but what Kiki wants.

Mia asks if she’s going to do therapy, and Kiki says she’s already been to a therapist, who is a tree hugger. Yesss, Kiki went to therapy! Honestly I would’ve expected her to put up more of a fight about it, considering she didn’t believe there was a problem for a long time, but it seems she’s accepted it. Mia says it helped her, and explains to Kiki that when she was 13-14 she was so lovesick she didn’t want to eat anymore and got sent to a psychologist after collapsing at school. She didn’t like it at first, but now realizes she wouldn’t have been able to get better if it weren’t for the psychologist. Kiki asks why she thinks she has to deal with everything on her own, then. Mia doesn’t really have a response to that. Kiki holds Mia’s hand and says they’re all there for her. Kiki hugs her as Mia tears up

Such a great scene, and I LOVE that Druck is having characters talk about therapy and normalizing it. We’ve heard about Mia, Kiki, and Alexander going to therapy, and it’s treated not as a scary or shameful thing, but something that’s a real option to help people live better lives. I love that Kiki seems to be in a better place but still acknowledges that she could use help for her weight-related anxiety. I love that they acknowledge that going to therapy doesn’t instantly solve your issues, but that Mia says it ended up being instrumental in her recovery. It’s just a very thoughtful inclusion and I think it’s part of why I feel Druck really wants to help teenagers in the way that Skam did. 

Clip 8 - Björn fjucked up

That was a typo in my notes that I have made more than once and I decided to keep it.

Mia waits for Björn in a bar. When he enters he tries to touch her in greeting, and I feel my inner Ripley rising. GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH. Mia is not receptive to his touch. 

Björn tries to order a beer for her - he doesn’t ask, just orders, but she says she doesn’t want one. He was probably trying to get her guard down again, seeing how well it worked last time. He even tries to get her to change her mind like last time, saying it’s on him. Trying to seem all friendly and generous again. But Mia is aware of his true character now.

Björn wants to sort out this drama quickly, how dismissive. He apologizes for what happened, saying he was wasted. But when Mia is unimpressed, Björn says he misintepreted the signals Mia gave him, so let’s not make a #MeToo thing out of this. FUCK YOU, DUDE. He says she flirted with him and now she’s embarrassed. Shifting the responsibility, making it Mia’s fault. Mia’s like, I sent you signals to whip out your dick in front of me? Seriously. Even in a hypothetical scenario where she had been flirting with him, how do you make the leap from flirting to taking your dick out, like isn’t that wildly extreme? And how do you interpret Mia as flirting when she had just backed away from a kiss outside? That’s a pretty clear stop sign. Björn says he was drunk, what is she going to do if she really gets harassed? Goddamn. Druck has the abuser response playbook absolutely down perfect, I’m pretty impressed at how they nailed the typical bullshit excuses.

Mia says he did sexually harass her and that she reported him. Björn is like, are you serious? He confides that he has a criminal record and this won’t look good for him. LMAO, not her problem you have a criminal record, dude. Shoulda thought of that before you took of your dick. And why the fuck do you have a criminal record? 

He starts to get emotional and almost sniffly (manipulative) but Mia holds her ground. Her face is just unresponsive and unsympathetic and I love it. She’s not cracking. Then Björn asks her if she’s shown the pics to Alex, and Mia shakes her head. He says he’ll show them to Alex. Björn is pissed because her psychopath boyfriend almost broke his neck, and now Mia wants to report him over nothing, according to him. He says he’s just fighting back. Again, I fucking love how stone cold Mia is. Let Björn lash out all he wants, he’s not getting through to her.

Björn says if Mia doesn’t take back the report, He will show Alex the pictures and report him for grievous bodily harm. FUCK. I think she has a very brief moment of consideration, probably for what will happen to Alex, but Mia says, go ahead, he deserved it. DAMN GIRL. STONE. COLD. Björn says what does she think the police will do when they were alone, no one saw them, and she was drunk? Mia says maybe he would’ve gotten away with it a few years ago, but times have changed. And yes, maybe this is awfully optimistic of her. It’s not like #MeToo and related movements have made it so victims always get justice, that they are always believed and supported. There is still a long, long way to go. And of course I understand that things are not simple and there are reasons why victims would not want to report. But I still like that this is the message. I feel like it’s important to show that Mia will not be silenced and that she isn’t discouraged from reporting. Of course it’s never easy, but this is part of how the world changes, when women speak out.

Björn accuses her of trying to fight some feminist war, she says yeah (lmao that backfired on him, feminism is not a dirty word for women like Mia) and that she’s not going to keep her mouth shut even if the police can’t prove anything. It’s not blackmail, it’s the truth.

Björn gets up to leave, but before he goes, says Mia is brave, totally alone. One final attempt from him to get her to back down. Mia says she’s not afraid of him. Not gonna lie, I was waiting for that beer on the table to get thrown in someone’s face or for Björn to slam it down and break the glass or something. 

After he goes, she takes her phone out of her pocket and says, he’s gone, I’m coming over to you now. She sees a bunch of text messages of support from the crew. Awww, the girls. So were they listening to the conversation? Recording it, hopefully? Because Björn just incriminated the hell of out himself. Not like he denied taking out his dick. 

I do wish we had seen more of the girls prior to this scene, because Noora telling her friends was so important in that story. Even if Mia just told Kiki when Kiki visited, that would’ve been really great to see. But I do like that it proves how wrong Björn is when he says she’s totally alone, for that claim to be countered immediately, when we see the whole time she had people on her side.

Social Media/General Comments

Mia’s mom sends her a quote from Julia Engelmann, saying it moves her and she would like Mia to contact her. Google tells me she is a German actress who does slam poetry. I don’t know if there are any specific connotations with her, let me know if there’s something to this person that’s especially relevant to this story. Anyway, the quote is “Everything’s good, but never good enough. I don’t let go enough but allow way too much.” And regardless of the intent of the quote, in the context of Mia’s mom, I think she’s trying to say how her life isn’t what she wants. She feels stifled with Mia’s dad, she’s feeling restless. She wanted to hang out with Mia but something about it almost felt like she just wanted to get away and hang out in Berlin as much as see her daughter. Her life is OK but she craves more, and she isn’t as free as she wants to be, she allows too much from Mia’s dad. Mia is independent and this season she’s been letting down her guard to let someone else in, Mia’s mom wants to be independent and seems like she’s shutting out her husband.

So there’s a clip of sorts between Mia and her mom, that wasn’t in the episode itself, but was posted on the YouTube channel. It’s a video chat. Mia’s mom says she and the dad are separating, and what we learn from Mia is that this isn’t the first time it’s happened, or said it was going to happen, and that obviously Mom went back to Dad before. Mom says she was too weak it call it quits for good before, and now Dad is begging her to stay. Mom didn’t tell Dad, though, she thinks he just has to know that she can’t stand him anymore. Errr, not a great plan? As Mia points out, she’s just going to treat him like shit until he leaves. Mia describes this plan as cowardly. Now Mom gets upset and says Mia is making accusations. Mia thinks she deserves them because she’s playing with her dad and keeping him in suspense instead of being honest. Mom thinks if she throws him out, Dad will just come crawling back, and she’ll have to be the bad guy by breaking up with him. Mia says yeah, sometimes that happens. Mom doesn’t want Dad to hate her. Mia says sometimes that’s how it works. This actually gets through to her mom, like she seems to realize it has to be this way before she ends the call.

It’s amazing because Mia seems to be a lot more mature than her mom, like Mia’s mom is an adult and Mia is a teenager. But Mia also had to grow up faster by being independent and living on her own. 

Mia also learned the same lesson earlier this season. She avoided telling Kiki the truth, in an attempt to avoid conflict, not have Kiki hate her, and not deal with the consequences of her relationship with Alexander. But eventually everything was discovered and exploded. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy if you’re going to be honest. 

More Jonas messiness as Matteo asks if he wants to know if Hanna hooked up with boy Sam, Jonas says no, but then seems curious when Matteo says she didn’t. Later, Matteo texts Jonas as Jonas is missing his history exam. Jonas seems way too casual about oversleeping and missing the test, he’s not freaking out about it as most people would. My boy, you are all over the place.

Mia texts Hans to come get her and it has such a feeling like Isak texting Eskild after the hotel scene, I love it. I don’t think Hans realized the depth of what happened to Mia just from that short text conversation, obviously, but he came and got her without questions. I enjoyed this especially because at times Hans has seemed more selfish and careless than Eskild was, but we see that he really does have a thoughtful caring side here.

I lost track of some of the SM stuff at the time, but I heard Mia deactivated her Instagram after the assault? If so, ouch, poor Mia. Also a good use of the real-time and SM format.

When Mia texted Björn to arrange a meeting with him, Björn was so overly friendly, using happy emojis, and he said she could come to his place. UGH. Red fucking flag. Mia thankfully suggested the bar without acknowledging what he said. But it just grosses me out how innocent he tried to make himself come across, as if their last encounter didn’t end in Mia running away from him.

There was a ton of fandom drama because Björn’s actor decided to post some stuff on IG about how in a parallel universe Björn and Mia were the OTP or what the fuck ever, and then went on a rant all Alt Er Love when people pointed out it was messed up to glorify his sexual predator character. I didn’t pay a ton of attention to it because at best it was cringe-worthy and probably an attempt to win over the Skam fanbase, at worst gross and inappropriate, like I get it, as an actor you have to get into your character’s mindset, and a guy like Björn probably doesn’t think he’s the bad guy, he’s the one being wrongfully accused. But you shouldn’t carry that abuse apologia when you’re done with the job. Anyway, I don’t think we’ll see Björn after this so ... bye.

I’m not German so feel free to elaborate, clarify, or correct anything that I missed or misunderstood

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2018, Part V

We’re finally here. Thank you for reading. Or at least scrolling around to the movies that you care about. GREAT MOVIES

12. Minding the Gap (Bing Liu)- In part because it's produced by Steve James, Minding the Gap's easy short-hand is "Hoop Dreams for skateboarding." Because most of the film's pleasures come from following the subjects over the course of five or six years, that makes sense. What differs is that director Bing Liu is so young, which makes this a promising film if a less definitive one than James's feature debut. It’s trying to do so much, but it never feels calculated or constructed as it expands. Boldly, Liu seems to suggest that people don't really change that much, that what drives them or gnaws at them just manifests itself in different ways. The cycle of abuse ends up being a common element for the three skaters, and, as Liu admits on camera, domestic violence is the reason he made the film. (The treatment of it is raw, a blunt object when a more delicate instrument might work better.) He got the hard part right though: delicately getting us to care about people who sometimes don't care about themselves. 11. A Quiet Place (John Kransinski)- Strong early Shyamalan vibes from this lean chiller. Krasinski's directing debut, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, didn't do much for me, and I skipped his obligatory man-comes-back-to-hometown-because-his-mom's-dying follow-up. But the filmmaking really impressed me here just by understanding how to set the table of this kind of movie. A close-up on an important nail sticking out of a floorboard here, an effortless explanation of a rule there. The hang-up for a film this high-concept is that you get distracted by all of the unanswered questions. (How did he get a printer quiet enough to print out all of those radio call signals?) But this world is fleshed out enough, especially an eerie dinner sequence, to bypass that kind of stuff for me. More than anything, there's a sort of elasticity of shot selection that serves the suspense. A tender early scene in which the central couple is dancing while wearing headphones goes on for maybe twice as long as one might expect. So later, the cross-cuts and smash-cuts have even more weight because the camera was allowed to linger earlier. Here's maybe the biggest reason for the movie's success: The characters are all slightly smarter than the audience, whereas the temptation might have been to go the other way with it. 10. Black Panther (Ryan Coogler)- I don't know if I can add anything to the discourse on this meditative yet ambitious film. I do think one early scene points at what makes it special for the genre. When T'Challa is first named king, he has to be drained of the Black Panther powers to fight anyone who wishes to challenge the throne. A member of an outsider tribe challenges him and nearly beats him. It shows a) the world-building of this noble, fair culture, b) the existence of this fully developed clan that will be important later, c) just how human T'Challa is if his reign can come so perilously close to ending just as it has begun. Every scene like that has a logical purpose. Of course, once Killmonger, the best, most realistically motivated Marvel villain of all time, gets introduced, we return to that method of challenging the throne, and writers Ryan Coogler and Joe Robert Cole aren't afraid to let the worst possible thing happen to T'Challa. What occurred forty-five minutes earlier makes this fight seem like a fait accompli. And it's in this sort of narrative detail that the film is able to work up to its thematic purpose. The first half is about, to quote T'Chaka, whether a good man can be a good king. But the second half is about the responsibility of goodness. Show me where Iron Man bit off that much. 9. Support the Girls (Andrew Bujalski)- Although it takes place mostly in one location during one day, Support the Girls has a bigger world going on in its margins. We hear it on radios, or we see it in the people taking a pitstop in Double Whammies while they're on their way somewhere better. But the force that's really encroaching on the characters' insulated environment is Mancave, the national chain that threatens to put them out of business. "They have commercials and everything," one character complains, and we get snatches of those commercials that were presumably directed by Andrew Bujalski himself. It's ten seconds of content maybe, shot in a bigger, broader style than the modest approach of the rest of the film. But the key to understanding how far Bujalski has come is realizing that he is no longer making fun of the people in the commercial, even if they're jacked bros screaming for a boxing match. That portrayal is amplified, sure, but Bujalski is mature enough now to not ridicule those people. It's okay that they're just not the people he's interested in. He's supernaturally empathetic toward the rogue's gallery of people he is interested in, who spin the ordinary challenges of the working class into something extraordinary. The sunniest member of the team is played by Haley Lu Richardson, who deserves special recognition as the indefatigable Maci. I can't think of parts that are much different from her roles in this, Columbus, and Split, to the extent that people probably don't realize they're played by the same woman, but she rules in every single one. The sky is the limit for her. When a workplace is described as "a family," it's usually just a way for the boss to take advantage of workers when the "family" designation does nothing to help them: "I know I shouldn't ask you to work off the clock, but can you help me out as a FAMILY MEMBER?" Occasionally though, it does feel like a family when people work closely to one another for hours on end and depend upon one another for real life needs. This movie is about what happens when a work family is both control and support.

8. Roma (Alfonso Cuaron)- The trailer for Children of Men advertises itself as "from the director of The Prisoner of Azkaban and Y Tu Mama Tambien," and I remember an audience giggling at that strange CV. For one thing, at the time people didn't understand yet why someone would brag about contributing to a Harry Potter movie. But to pair that children's picture with either a Spanish title they hadn't heard of or a movie that they knew was sexually explicit? Who was this guy? Roma is who he is. I like some of his other films more--I would argue that his approach hurts the performances here--but it seems impossible for him to make anything this personal again. The baldly emotional highs that it reaches come not only from the direct simplicity of the story but also from the sophisticated perspective with which it's being downloaded directly from Cuaron's memory. (It's also, accidentally or purposefully, quite a political film at this moment in time. It insists, sometimes in the dialect of Mixtec, that these people around us silently washing dishes or picking up dog poo are, in fact, part of our family.) There's a moment when one brother throws something at another's head, barely missing, and they both stop in their tracks with fear about how tragically things could have ended up. My dad experienced a similar moment in his childhood, and he would tell the same story about Uncle Steve throwing a shoe at him any time we passed the wooden door with a dent in it at my grandma's house. What a tiny moment to live on for decades, in tangible and intangible ways. Cuaron claims that all of these moments shape us, and taking us to the moon was only a warm-up for resurrecting them for us. 7. Happy As Lazzaro (Alice Rohrbacher)- Alice Rohrwacher won the screenplay award at Cannes, probably because her script for Happy As Lazzaro is fundamentally unpredictable. Games of checkers are unpredictable though. That word doesn't quite cover the way the viewer is forced to guess at something as elemental as "What year is this taking place?" And none of the twists and turns of the storytelling--I refuse to spoil--would gel if Rohrwacher as a director wasn't teaching you how to watch the film the whole time with a rich, warm, light touch. Considering the purity of this vision as a fable, buoyed by realistic labor concerns on the other hand, it's a pity that people are calling Birdbox "crazy" when something like this is just a few clicks down on that service. 6. The Favourite (Yorgos Lanthimos)- When assessing The Favourite, the easy temptation is to say that because it isn't stuffy, because of its scabrous wit or its intimate filming techniques, that it "isn't your mother's chamber drama." It is invigorating, but in a lot of ways, the film isn't saying anything that the average Masterpiece Theater production doesn't. Instead it takes cultural touchstones about the emptiness of power and distorts them, much like the fish-eye lenses that Yorgos Lanthimos favors to photograph the palace. It says an easy thing in a hard way, with conviction to burn. Lanthimos seems freed by not having to write the screenplay, and every decision of his is rooted in making things more narrow. The barrel distortion of the fish-eye seems apt for this idea, but so do the secret passageways that Queen Anne gets wheeled through to avoid the lower rungs of the estate. Of course there's no outside world to intrude upon her majesty. But there's even an inner world to the inner world. (It's impossible to watch Olivia Colman's gonzo depiction of Anne's incurious indolence and not think of Trump.) I'm convinced that Emma Stone can do anything, and the final shot, an all-timer, only validates that suspicion. 5. Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot (Gus Van Sant)- You have to check out every Gus Van Sant movie, even after a few missteps, because you never know: He might take the emotional climax that you didn't even know you wanted and score it to inter-diegetic "Still Rock 'N Roll to Me," thus grounding real poignance with even realer goofiness.I'll admit that the bar is low, but this is probably the most authentic, least treacly movie ever made about addiction recovery. Van Sant, who wrote, directed, and edited, tells the story with patient command. We take Joaquin Phoenix for granted at this point, but everybody on the poster is exceptional. And Udo Kier gets to say, "Pop, pop. It's always about penises." INSTANT CLASSICS

4. A Star Is Born (Bradley Cooper)- In one scene Cooper's Jackson Maine wears a black leather jacket under a brown leather vest, and the movie itself risks that kind of hat-on-a-hat silliness and redundancy. But instead it comes off as the best kind of big swing, a comforting and warm serving of Old Hollywood. Cooper's camera knows how to embrace silence and let the leads play off each other to craft raw, touching performances. Sometimes the close-ups are so intense and focused that, when he cuts back to a master, it's disorienting to be reminded that there are other people in that space, in the world at all.The movie's deficiencies come from "Wait, how much time has passed?" moments in the writing, problems that I always have had with Eric Roth projects. But it's easy to get swept up in a movie of moments that believes so much in itself.

3. Mission: Impossible- Fallout (Christopher McQuarrie)- The pattern of Mission: Impossible- Fallout is: infodump that explains the stakes and the strategy of what we're about to see, followed by an action sequence that is somehow even more thrilling than the one that came before it. Imagine a really interesting day of grade school classes, in which you learned, like, multiplication, followed by recess every other period. As for T.C., what more could you possibly want out of a human being?

2. Wildlife (Paul Dano)- When Jerry, Jake Gyllenhaal's groundskeeper of pathetic pride, figures out that his boss is about to fire him in front of his son, he smiles and, through clenched teeth, asks if this talk can happen tomorrow. Part of him actually believes that postponing the meeting will help; maybe the boss's temper will cool overnight. But this is a man who is bound by the same desperate spirit as his wife Jeanette, who muses, "Tomorrow something will happen that will make us feel different." When people are living day-to-day, clinging to their dignity--he refers to himself as a "small person" at one point--tomorrow really does offer a regenerative power. Those characters are the same-pole magnets that inform this coming-of-age tale, and the subtext of the film is "Can you believe Carey Mulligan and Jake Gyllenhaal have a fourteen-year-old son?" It works for the 1960 setting because these are people who defined themselves before they knew who they were, and they'll now do anything to re-define themselves as brave/sexy/valuable. But it works for the actors too. Gyllenhaal in particular is tender and heartbreaking in a true supporting role, allowing himself to look his age, framing himself with the dad akimbo arms. But Mulligan's fake confidence is great too, especially in a scene in which she nearly begs her husband to let her work. Something tells me that I should credit a director for coaxing two career best performances from two great actors. Some people just have it, and Paul Dano does.

1. First Reformed (Paul Schrader)- In 1998 I dragged my father to see Paul Schrader's Affliction, a movie that was kind of about my father's father. When the end credits rolled on that bleak, wrenching film, my dad turned to me and said, "I feel like I have to take a shower." We walked around a nearby hotel and talked for an hour, not that he was able to articulate why he was so shaken. We discussed the difference between entertainment and art and what makes a piece of either successful. Even though he hated the experience, he couldn't deny that it was an experience. He kept on saying, "That's not why I go to the movies." And no matter what I, fifteen at the time, told him, he couldn't understand that's exactly why I go to the movies. First Reformed had the same mesmerizing effect as the best of Schrader's work: When I exited the building, I stumbled into the sunlight because I had been trapped in someone else's mind for almost two hours.

Part of that effect comes from the narrative device of Reverend Toller's journal, which plants us in his headspace from the beginning. Part of it comes from the intimate scale of the film, which features only a handful of locations. But if what I'm explaining seems small, then I'm doing a bad job. The canvas expands. Schrader insists that our care for the environment is our most immediate responsibility; this film historian has no problem with planting the film at 2017 in dialogue. And that emphasis is matched only by his disdain for how big business encroaches on personal aspects of our lives. There's even a scene that tries to account for a recent rise in extremism among young people. As if to prove that he isn't being pedantic, he has one character communicate one of those ideas, letting you assume that role is his mouthpiece, then he has another character reply with something just as convincing. First Reformed weaves in those elements, but it's ultimately a character piece that humanizes the type of person we think we know but for which we have no frame of reference. In Ethan Hawke's piercing performance, we see a Reform minister who punishes himself actively and passively for what he thinks are sins. He uses faith as an armor and as an excuse, being so of the mind and--as another character puts it--"in the garden" that he denies himself medical care. No matter what anyone else tells him, he is convinced of one of the tenets that Schrader could never shake from his Calvinist upbringing: There's nothing you can do to save yourself.

[astro-b-o-y-d]

Descension

After his previous attempt to wipe out the campers, the shattering of his religious beliefs, and a painful recovery in the hospital, Daniel is sentenced to house arrest at Camp Campbell. Or, as he slowly begins to believe, Hell itself.

But maybe within the depths of Hell, Daniel can find a friend. A friend with a fishbowl helmet and a unique look on the stars above. (Also I absolutely took inspiration from this lovely fanart, at least in the setting)

[Read on Ao3]

It was so quiet.

Being a cultist (how he loathed using that particular word to describe himself, but if the shoe fits), he was used to long periods of quiet during his travels. The only time he really interacted with people was while he helped them reach ascension (the word that once felt so sweet on his tongue now left a bitter, hollow taste in its wake), and they always fell silent after the process was eventually completed.

Well, almost always.

Daniel's frown lowered as he let his gaze shift to the empty bed just a few feet away from his, its owner still at the Mess Hall as he finished up his remaining counseling assignments for the day. Or perhaps David was simply avoiding him altogether. Daniel wouldn't have been surprised in the slightest if the latter had been the case.

While David had welcomed him back with a wide smile and open arms, he had made it very clear (in a surprisingly forceful way that Daniel hadn't expected him to be capable of) that if he so much as thought about harming a single hair on any of the campers' heads during his time at the camp, there would be dire consequences. A threat that Gwen had also backed up with a show of her fists and a statement that she had 'already dealt with one cultist's bullshit this week (thank God he hadn't been sentenced to stay here while demon-ditzy Jen was still teaching her own practices or else he would have never lived his mistakes down) and she was not about to deal with more.'

Of course David's wide smile and open arms had returned after such threats (Gwen, not so much), but Daniel had a feeling that David was not as willing to associate with him as he had been during his first visit. Or perhaps David really was so obsessed with his job that he was willing to lose a few hours of sleep if it meant keeping on top of things.

Not that he cared one way or another about David's feelings towards him. David was a pathetic, annoying, foolish excuse of a man, one who had clearly mastered the art of repressing his self-esteem issues with a smile and a positive attitude. And while it would be fun to poke and prod at David about said issues, Daniel knew that David might have the upper hand when it came to which of the two of them was currently more pathetic.

Daniel made a face as his left leg brushed against the ankle bracelet on his right while he rolled onto his back. House arrest at the last camp he had nearly purified. If Xemug were real, Daniel had a feeling that not even He would condemn someone to such a cruel fate.

If He were real...

Daniel sighed heavily, his gaze locked on the ceiling. Being legally dead for an entire minute after ingesting far too much rat poison than any human should consume (which...in retrospect isn't really all that much to begin with) had been more than enough time to give him a glimpse into what waited for him after his time on Earth finally came to an end. And while he could not remember exactly what it was that he experienced during that one minute of death, he remembered enough to know that he'd been wrong about a lot of things regarding his beliefs and religious practices.

Xemug? The Galactic Confederacy? The Ancient Ones?

False hopes. Fallacies.

Lies.

The shock had definitely taken its toll on him. Nearly everything he had dedicated his life to, all his beliefs... Snuffed out like a candle's flame against a gust of truth as he finally came to in that clean, white hospital bed (oh, what cruel irony) surrounded by doctors and police, already weak enough from the after effects of the poison.

And while his body seemed to recover fine, his emotional state only grew worse with each passing day.

He...had nothing. No religion to fall back on, no life purpose...

Only cold, hard facts that not even his feelings could beat.

He had nothing. He was nothing.

Needless to say, his recovery was far from relaxing. And it only grew worse when he'd been informed of his sentence following the visit; house arrest at the last camp he had tried to 'purge'. To say that he had been...displeased with this sentence had been the understatement of the century.

Most people in his situation would have probably felt some sort of guilt by the time he had been forced into a police car and driven back along that old forest road towards the camp. They would have felt sorry for the lives they had taken in their desire to appease their gods, or felt the need to apologize to the still-living people they had wronged. Maybe the desire to try and form new relationships with them, in the hopes they could receive a second chance.

He felt no such things.

He had no remorse for killing the children at his previous camps, nor for the unfortunately still-alive brats that had greeted his return to Camp Campbell with angry scowls and a certain rude hand gesture ("Welcome to Hell, Cult Man." had been the included quip from Max). Perhaps he had some regrets over the fact that he had done it in the name of a God that didn't exist (even he had a hard time trusting his feelings over facts now), but the deaths themselves did little to affect his feelings. If anything, his desire to watch children die in the slowest and most painful manners possible had only grown stronger during his stay at Camp Campbell.

The campers had clearly not forgiven him for his previous attempts to sacrifice them, and took every opportunity to remind him of that fact. So many times he had found himself face down in the dirt as Nikki hogtied his arms and legs together with a victorious warrior cry, and he was positive he would have some permanent bruises from the number of pine cones that Max had gleefully slingshot-ed at his head.

No, his desire to kill every last one of the little bastards had not faded in the slightest.

So many opportunities to let an 'accident' happen, so many chances to turn a blind eye while Ered tried to skateboard off the roof of the mess hall or while Harrison got a little too carried away with his fire spells. But such opportunities were always foiled by a panicking David or scolding Gwen, or the knowledge that he would be the prime suspect if anything bad actually happened to one of the campers. Hell, David had given him an earful when he happened to accidentally (the rare time it had actually been an accident) glance from the back of Max's head towards the container of plastic (yet still very effective in causing injury if one knew how to use them properly) knives on the mess hall counter.

And as much as he hated being confined to the campgrounds, he was in no hurry to be dragged off to prison either. The camp was awful, but he was sure he had the slightest bit more freedom here than behind the bars of a cell. Not to mention he'd take the ugly-but-still-loosely-fitting counselor's outfit over an uncomfortable, restricting, orange jumpsuit any day.

So all he could do was lie there, eyes still on the ceiling and the cabin still so agonizingly quiet, with only his thoughts to focus on. Angry, bitter thoughts without anything to fall back on for comfort. His gods were false, his dignity had long since been shattered, and a list of repercussions too long to measure kept him from storming over to the tent area and choking the life out of the first child he could get his hands on.

...Maybe Max had been onto something with that rude little quip of his upon Daniel's return.

Maybe...this was Hell.

Maybe Daniel hadn't actually been revived after the Kool-Aid incident. Maybe, while a lot of his previous beliefs had been false, the one thing he could believe was that Hell was real, and it existed in the form of a rundown summer camp. Fire and brimstone were replaced with the hot, summer sun that bore down on the campers as they went about their days. The demons that inhabited the area were the campers themselves and his ankle bracelet was the ball and chain that kept him trapped there for a summer that seemed to drag on for an eternity. Perhaps it would drag on for eternity.

He sighed and sat upright. Well, if he truly was in Hell, then sleep was not going to come easily.

He slid his legs out from beneath the blanket and let his feet touch the hardwood floor. After fumbling around for the pair of boots that David had lent him (curse these ridiculous counselor clothes), he made his way for the cabin door and stepped out into the warm, summer evening.

It was a little less quiet outside the cabin, with the gentle ambiance of the surrounding woods noticeable enough to momentarily distract him from his thoughts. Only momentarily.

He began to walk, with little care as to where he was going. He'd memorized the outline of the campgrounds by now, and had no plans (at least, none that he could get away with successfully) to go beyond them. He walked past the Mess Hall (and made a face as he spotted David inside, too busy with an indistinguishable project to notice him) and towards the shoreline that lay at the edge of the lake. Well, if he could give this hellhole anything, it was that the lake looked...somewhat nice at night. Probably filthy and full of some kind of toxic chemicals, but at least the moonlight on the surface of the water was a relaxing sight.

He looked towards the end of the dock, and was surprised to see a small figure seated on the very edge. A small figure with a domed fishbowl over their head, which was tilted up towards the sky in wonder.

Of course it was Space Kid. The naive, little boy who had probably taken the least amount of convincing to purify. His head was so far up in the clouds that Daniel wouldn't have been surprised to see it floating among the stars he loved so much.

Daniel stepped onto the dock and began to approach him, the temptation to just push him into the water growing stronger with every step. It certainly wouldn't kill him (possibly, but Daniel couldn't stop himself from picturing the little fishbowl helmet filling up with water quick enough to drown its owner), and he was positive he'd never hear the end of it from David. But that couldn't stop him from just...considering it a little bit-

"Hi, Daniel!"

He froze as Space Kid turned to face him. Well, so much for that hypothetical plan now that he'd actually been seen. "Hello...Space Kid."

"Did you come to watch the stars, too?" Space Kid asked, his little smile widening. "I heard there was going to be a meteor shower tonight!"

A meteor shower and David didn't think to use that as an opportunity to teach the campers some kind of absurd lesson about space? Either Space Kid was being his usual naive self, or Daniel now had something to pester David about later.

"I don't know exactly when it's supposed to start," Space Kid said, looking to the sky again. "So I'm just looking at all the constellations now. You can see more of them out here then in the city!"

...Usual naive self seemed the more likely option. Daniel shook his head and took a seat beside him on the edge of the dock. Perhaps that naivety would be more effective at drowning out his cumbersome and annoying thoughts than the sounds of the forest. "You really don't mind me joining you?"

"Of course not!" Space Kid said, swinging his little legs. "Space is always more fun with a buddy!"

A buddy? "You...aren't terrified of being out here alone with me?"

Space Kid tilted his head. "Why would I be?"

"...You're kidding, right?"

"Ooh, look, there's Mars!" Space Kid's gaze was already back on the sky, and his little finger pointed up at a small mass among the stars. "I wasn't sure if I'd see it tonight! It likes to hide sometimes. But it can't hide forever!"

Was he...avoiding answering the question? Or was he really that easily distracted by space? "You look at the stars a lot, don't you?"

"Whenever I can!" Space Kid said. "But like I said, in the city, there's not as many stars to see..."

Daniel wasn't sure if he should respond to that, or if Space Kid simply liked hearing himself speak. So he kept his mouth shut and looked towards the night sky. Much like the lake beneath the dock, it was quite the sight for sore eyes. Having spent a lot of his time travelling from camp to camp, he was no stranger to the vast and starry night sky of the wilderness, but it had been quite some time since he actually went out of his way to stop and stare at it.

It was...somewhat nice, if he had to be honest. A moment of peace during his time in Hell.

"Hey, look! There's Perseus! There's a really cool story behind him!"

Space Kid's voice broke the silence as he pointed towards one particular constellation. "Is there now?" Daniel asked.

"Uh-huh!" Space Kid says, as the tip of his finger drifted to another nearby constellation. "See over there? That's Andromeda! The two of them loved each other a whole lot, but Andromeda's mom was going to sacrifice her to a sea monster! But Perseus was like 'no way!' and saved her! And now they can be together forever!"

Okay, now Daniel had no idea if any of that was true, but he didn't know enough about the stars themselves to disprove the boy's theories. "That's an...interesting story."

"And over there's Cygnus!" Space Kid continued. "It's a swan! I'll bet it really doesn't like Leo, huh? You know, because... it's a lion? Like a cat? Cat and bird?"

Daniel raises an eyebrow. That joke...actually made more sense than he would have expected from Space Kid. And even if he didn't know how creditable the boy's knowledge regarding the constellations was, it was clear that he had still put a lot of time into learning about them. "You...know an awful lot about space, huh?"

That was a dumb question. Of course he knew a lot about space. He was called Space Kid for a reason-

"I love space!" Space Kid said excitedly. "There's so much to learn about it! You could spend your entire life studying it and still not know everything about it! Like, did you know that it rains diamonds on Neptune?"

"...Is that true?"

"It might be!" Space Kid clapped his hands together. "Isn't that cool?!"

"Might be?" Daniel asked, raising an eyebrow. "But what if it’s not? Won't you be disappointed?"

Space Kid shrugged. "I mean, it's still a cool idea. Even if it's not real."

Even...if...

He was that excited over something that may or may not be true? He wasn't worried about the possibility of learning that it might not actually be true, leaving him with nothing but disappointment?

He...wasn't worried about facts destroying the things he held dear?

"Ooh, look, there they are!"

Once again, Space Kid pointed to the sky in an excited manner and Daniel looked towards the sky as well. Sure enough, a sudden flurry of meteors began to dash across the stars, shining brightly for a moment before they fizzled out just as quickly as they appeared.

He could hear Space Kid let out a small noise of awe every few seconds as the meteor shower continued. "Daniel?"

"Yes?"

"Is all that stuff you said about space true?" Space Kid asked, his eyes wide. "You know, about negative energy?"

...He...actually remembered that? "I'm not so sure anymore, unfortunately," he said truthfully. "A lot of the things I used to believe in were...recently proven to be false. To say the least."

"Oh," Space Kid said, and stared up at the sky again. "I really like space. Even if there really is a lot of negative energy up there. I mean, it's really big, isn't it? Maybe because it's so big, there's a bunch of good energy to help balance out all the bad?"

Daniel's expression melted into a look of surprise. "That...is an oddly insightful comment for an eight-year-old to make."

"Thanks!" Space Kid said cheerfully. "My mom says I'm really smart for my age! Not a lot of people believe me when I say it, but that's okay! They'll be the ones laughing when I'm the first person on Saturn! Well, maybe not laughing, because it'll be so cool! Maybe they'll be cheering instead. I hope they'll be cheering!"

Daniel continued to stare at him, his surprise melting into shock. He was so passionate about topics that he may or may not have been completely educated on, so eager to learn more about said topics, so naive but...in a way that also seemed very wise, especially for a child his age. And he seemed to possess no fear for someone who had previously tried to poison him, even going so far as to hold a pleasant conversation with said person.

Daniel suddenly remembered that he hadn't gotten a proper explanation for that.

"So, may I ask you a question now?" Daniel asked.

"Uh-huh," Space Kid said, not taking his eyes off the sky.

"...Why aren't you afraid of me?" Daniel asked. "I mean, surely you know what I tried to do the last time I was here, right? How I...well, you know, tried to kill everyone?"

"Yeah."

Oh, he... did know? "Okay, so...then why aren't you afraid of me?"

Once again, Space Kid tore his gaze from the meteors. "There's probably aliens out there who would try and kill people, and I'm not afraid of them," he said. "I'd just hope they'd at least let me see their spaceship before they killed me. That'd be a cool way to die!"

"But I'm not an alien," Daniel pointed out. "I'm a human being. Who tried to hurt you."

Space Kid shrugged. "Meteors can hurt the outside of a spaceship and I still like them."

"But that's..."

Daniel abruptly closed his mouth when words failed him. That...was really the reason that the boy wasn't afraid of him? Just because...something else he happened to like also might have the desire to kill or hurt? His reasoning was so flawed, so naive...

So...

Daniel racked his brain for a moment as he tried to think of the proper word to describe the little boy beside him, his eyes as bright as the stars above their heads. The little boy with so much love for them, despite not understanding everything about them. The little boy with little, if any at all, anger in his heart and unexplainable forgiveness towards those who had wronged him, even if they didn't necessarily deserve it.

The little boy whose feelings only grew stronger when he was presented with facts.

Once upon a time, Daniel had believed that feelings could beat facts, only to be brutally and painfully informed that facts were cruel. Facts were unforgiving, facts destroyed your beliefs and forced you to accept the fact that you had nothing. That you were nothing.

Feelings could lift you up, while facts only dragged you downwards.

But Space Kid...

He seemed to have found a balance between facts and feelings. He found a sense of happiness in learning about the things he loved, and found even more happiness in seeking more to learn. Even if the things he had learned turned out to contradict what he had previously known, even if the things were scary or threatening, he was still happy to have learned anything at all.

Admirable.

It was...admirable.

Eventually the meteor shower came to an end and the sky grew calm again. Another happy noise from Space Kid. "That was so cool! I was kinda hoping one of them would fall towards us, though. I wanted to take it home as a souvenir!"

"Well...maybe next time."

He had no idea why he said that. He had no idea why he said anything. But Space Kid's eyes seemed to widen at the comment. "You really think so?"

"...I guess?"

Space Kid beamed. "Maybe two of them will fall towards us next time! One for me, one for you!"

"Unfortunately, I highly doubt that there will be another meteor shower before the end of the summer," Daniel said. "Not to mention I had no idea where the authorities plan on sending me once the camp closes. Perhaps they'll change their minds about placing me behind bars."

"I could mail you one of the space rocks, then!" Space Kid said. "I mean, if I find them, that is. Or maybe, if I find only one, we could mail it back and forth to each other! Like we're sharing it!"

"You...would really want to share something like that with me?" Daniel asked.

"Yeah!" Space Kid said. "So we can remember tonight!"

He felt his mouth curl into a smile. "...Well, then I guess we'll just have to keep our fingers crossed, huh?"

"What are you two doing out here?"

Daniel turned to see David at the end of the dock, a flashlight in hand. "It's nearly midnight. Space Kid, you should be sleeping! You know that a healthy sleep schedule is very important."

Daniel felt his smile disappear at the sight of the meddlesome counselor. "Now, now, David. He simply wanted to watch the meteor shower that was happening tonight," he said with a smirk. "The one I'm sure you didn't hear about, considering you had no specific activities planned around it."

David's own smile twitched a bit. "As a matter of fact, I did know about it. However, as a proper camp counselor, I realized that maintaining a healthy sleeping schedule is far more important than-"

"A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?" Daniel asked, his smile returning at the realization that he might have struck a nerve. "Such a shame. I'm sure the other campers would have loved to see it. But now they can't. A chance to teach them a valuable lesson about space, lost forever."

And now David's smile was gone. "It's bedtime. For both of you."

"Oh, no need to sulk, David," Daniel said, and rose to his feet. "But I do think it's time to call it a night on the star gazing, Space Kid."

"Aww, okay," Space Kid said, and followed suit. "At least we got to see the meteor shower, right, Daniel?"

Daniel nodded. "It was...informative."

Space Kid smiled up at him. "Can we look at the stars again sometime?"

"I don't see why not," Daniel said. "But for now, you need to get to bed-"

His words died in his throat and a sudden chill ran up his spine as he felt a tiny, gloved hand slip into his. He looked down to see Space Kid beaming up at him, his smile the widest it had been all evening. He made no attempts to hide his 'deer in the headlights' look of absolute shock as he glanced back at David for assistance.

Of course the idiot was now smiling fondly at the sight. Of course. "Aww, Space Kid! Do you want Daniel to walk you back to your tent?"

Space Kid nodded. "I have something I want to give him!"

Even in the darkness, Daniel could see David's grin grow wider and wider as Space Kid lead him off the dock and towards the tent area. But for once, he found it...surprisingly easy to ignore the desire to knock every single one of David's teeth out of his head as he felt Space Kid pull him along, while that chilling sensation spread to the rest of his body.

Space Kid finally let go of his hand once they reached the tent and began around inside his bag as quietly as he could, so as not to wake the other two children in the tent. Finally, he let out a quiet noise of success and pulled out a small, book-shaped object. After quickly flipping through the pages for a moment, he peeled something out and held it up for Daniel to see.

"A...sticker?"

It was one of those silly fuzzy stickers, in the shape of a falling star. Space Kid was holding it with the very tips of his thumb and forefinger, likely so the sticky side would not be ruined. "Here! For you!"

"What-"

Before he could question where on Earth he was expected to put it, Space Kid leaned down and pressed it to the flat side of his ankle bracelet. "Is this okay? Since none of the meteors fell towards us, you can have this instead."

It was ridiculous, juvenile, childish. Everything Daniel usually despised about children. Everything that he once considered imperfections, things that made them worthy of nothing but being sacrificed to the Ancient Ones.

And yet...

"It's...sweet."

"You really like it?" Space Kid said, his eyes as wide as his smile. "I have more if you want-"

"No, that's alright," Daniel said quickly. "Besides, David did say it was time for you to sleep."

With a nod, Space Kid removed the little fishbowl helmet and climbed onto his assigned cot, asleep before his head could hit the pillow. Daniel remained still for a moment before he knelt down beside the bed, his gaze still locked on the sleeping boy as that chilling sensation from before returned in full force.

No, it...it wasn't chilling.

It was warm. Strange. Like nothing he'd felt before, especially not towards any children. The only thing he had ever felt towards children was the desire to snap their little necks. He even seemed to recall feeling that desire towards Space Kid at one point.

But now...now he wasn't so sure about that.

He knew still didn't like children. At all. But maybe... he didn't have to in order to like this one particular child.

This sweet little boy without any judgement or anger in his heart. A sweet little boy with dreams as vast as space itself, dreams he was probably visiting at that very moment.

Sweet... That was another good word to describe Space Kid. He was sweet.

Sweet, admirable...

Pure.

Daniel smiled at the thought. Perhaps Space Kid had been onto something about the amount of positive energy in space.

"Mmmm, what's going on?"

Daniel turned his attention to one of the other cots as Preston sat upright with a wide yawn. He let his gaze drift lazily towards where Daniel was kneeling, silent for a moment while he attempted to process the sight in his sleep-induced state. Suddenly, his eyes widened in horror and he nearly fell off the bed as he attempted to scoot as far away from Daniel as he could get. "Oh, God, have you finally snapped and decided that your sick desires to kill us all outweigh the desire not to be put in prison?!"

Daniel rolled his eyes and stood up again. "Not tonight, I'm afraid. Lucky for you, I was only here to tuck in Space Kid. So you can relax, go back to sleep and not have dreams of me slowly and painfully smothering you in your sleep. Good night!~"

He'd probably pay for that comment in the morning, along with his snark at the dock. But for now, it was the least of his worries as he exited the tent (he couldn't help but let out a laugh as he heard Preston wail in the tent behind him) and began to head back to the counselor's cabin, the ankle bracelet with the little fuzzy sticker on the side once again brushing his leg.

A reminder of their night of stargazing while also a reminder that he was trapped in Hell.

A warm, fuzzy feeling against a cold, hard fact.

Yeah, he liked the sound of that.

...Perhaps his stay in Hell wouldn't be so bad after all. And at least he'd have something to think about while deliberately ignoring the lecture that David was sure to give him about threatening campers.

He let out another laugh at the thought. David miserable? Now that would definitely give him a warm, fuzzy feeling.

[setoangel01-fanfiction]

Solace

Beautiful Disaster - Chapter 7 (Previous Chapters)

Rated: T

Chapter Summary: As Johnny sleeps in her arms, Ash reluctantly contemplates what life would have been like had Johnny not survived the violent encounter…

Fanfiction.net

A03

Ash, upon noticing Johnny falling asleep, was sorely tempted to wake him up by how utterly heavy his shoulders and head felt to her small legs but another part of her never wanted him to move. Knew that right here - right now - he was completely safe from anyone who would dare do him harm.

To even think anyone, and she meant anyone who knew Johnny as the sweet soulful guy he is, would willingly hurt him even existed… it was simply incomprehensible.

Ash sighed upon suddenly feeling physically sick; heart beating far too fast and stomach churning with anxiety as she stared upon his slack, sleeping face. The rag she had just been caressing his swollen cheek with now placed forgotten to her side. Icy blue eyes took him in for a long time - her subconscious trailing away to thoughts she dared not entertain. His words and statements about what took place tonight before he arrived flitting around her mind and didn't care to give her much respite.

Johnny being jumped by some old gang rivals of his father for no reason other than relation. Hardly having any time to react before they started beating him without much rhyme or reason - to know how easily Johnny could have died tonight had he not been fast enough, coordinated enough, his skateboard not with him.

So many variables could have changed his fate; the knife that could have slipped so easily between his rib cage - the sharp blade fatally piercing his lung, liver, or vital blood vessels and him bleeding out and crying out in pain as they continued to beat him to death.

Swallowing a sudden lump, Ash felt a few silent tears slip from her eyes; darkening the line of fur on her cheeks. The churn of absolutely agony settled deep in her gut at the very fathoming had he not survived tonight. She dared not even imagine it for the very inkling was far too painful but the thoughts plagued her anyway.

Imagined herself calling his phone but he wouldn't answer (and Johnny, regardless of any circumstances at time of day or night, always answered his phone). To worry herself sick about his lack of communication and presence at practice the next morning when he'd always made a habit to never be tardy for anything. Yet, the day would go on and he'd never show up to the theater. Buster would offhandedly mention it with furrowed brows later on and it would only make it all the worse for her.

Even if Johnny was even running five minutes late, he'd call Buster to let him know…

As the day came to an close, she wouldn't be able to concentrate on the music or notes any longer to stave off the anxiety gnawing painfully in her gut. Checking her phone every five seconds to see if he answered her texts to see nothing but a blank screen. Heart fluttering too fast, paws shaking when he still didn't bother to show up.

Ash would have no choice but to leave early and catch a bus to his place with a pit in her stomach; during the ride she'd be calling his phone over and over again - hoping against hope that he'd answer. Yet all she would get is his pre-recorded cheery message of,

"Hi, this is Johnny! Sorry I missed your call but be sure to leave your name and number and I'll call ya back soon! Have a good day!"

The voice that could comfort her in any circumstance only filling her stomach with hot coals of fear because it was a message she never had the chance to hear previously and now it was the only thing she heard. The messages she leaves on that voicemail getting more and more frantic as time went by.

Starting with a more airy,

"Hey, J! Call me back when you get this, kay?"

"Uh, Johnny, um, just kinda wondering where you are. It's been a few hours and wanna make sure you're alive," she'd say with an uneasy chuckle, "Anyway, call me back soon." and finally, skip to a few hours later when her voice easily carried every iota of anxiety she felt.

"Johnathan! Where in the actual fuck are you, dammit?! You better call me back the second you get this, ya hear!? If you don't, I swear to GOD, I'll kick your ass!"

…and still, he wouldn't answer, text, or even call her back.

Upon arriving at the garage she'd spent so much time before today, she'd run to the front garage door and pound her tiny fists hard on the metal surface. Waiting on bated breath for him to answer, but still no response. No sounds of his accented voice saying a joyful, if muffled, "Coming!" or "Come in!"…just utter silence greeting her on the other end. No signature footsteps and voice beyond the door; waiting in vain for him to open it and have come explanation for his absence.

Yet none would come.

Who knows how long she'd be there knocking, screaming out threats all in an effort for him to answer. Her anxiety getting worse as she continues to dial his number. Foot tapping and paws shaking as she again listens to his voicemail message and the horrible shake in her system when a robotic woman's voice says his voicemail is now full. Real, actual fear would finally set in at that moment yet she'd swallow it down, grasping onto a reasonable explanation even if there wasn't any left to cling onto…

Ash would probably end up standing there for hours, completely unaware of the police officers and crime scene tape that would be nearby accessing his murder scene just a block away. A coroner's vehicle hauling his body to the morgue without her ever knowing he was gone…

As night comes, she'd have no choice but to leave the garage.

Tempted to go to the prison where his father was incarcerated and hoping against hope that's where he was all this time but the hour was too late for visitors made up its mind for her. Ash wouldn't want to, but she'd be forced to go home; pace around, and just wait for him to call her back. All night as she attempted and failed to find respite in dreams, she'd be wondering where he was - trembling with apprehension and fear as she continues to call his phone in desperation.

Hoping, praying to hear his voice and an explanation of where he'd been - and she even swore she wouldn't yell at him or even be mad…As long as he answered, she'd be relieved…but he wouldn't even as the next day came.

No sleep, no rest, only anxiety fueling her to go to Moon Theater the next morning. Hoping against hope he'd be there. Perhaps his phone was busted and he was just busy…every iota of her heart and soul hoping that's all it was.

Yet, inevitably, she'd find out the horrible truth who knows how long later.

Whether it be some police officer visiting Buster's office to ask about Johnny's history and to tell him the news. Imagining Buster calling them up to his office for a meeting to deliver the horrible news of her best friend's passing. Tears lining Buster's blue eyes when he tells them all that Johnny is deceased…Or something as brutal as seeing a short snippet on the evening news right after the weather report. A few short sentence statement of him being stabbed to death - murdered - in some dank alley. Nothing more, nothing less. Johnny, being the victim of some random gang violence; killed without anyone held responsible…

How easily her life (as well as all those who knew him) would have changed forever…

Ash couldn't help but recall the last meaningless conversation they had earlier in the day. Something stupid and random that didn't have any bearings - a quick mutter of 'see you later' or something about a set they played later in the week. A few exchanged texts that held no value or sentiment she felt toward him or vice versa…nothing meaningful…

To think it could have been the last real conversation they ever had…

Johnny could have been dead now and she wouldn't have known. Still playing her guitar in the hallway not even semi-aware that her best friend was alone - dying, bleeding to death alone in a cold, dank alleyway somewhere without anyone to help him. Lungs filled with blood not being able to speak or call for help before he died cold and alone without anyone but the killers knowing about it until his blood-soaked dead body was found by some passerby the next day.

Ash, on the other hand, would wake up to a bright sunny morning and not even realize anything is amiss until later when he never showed up to work…

It absolutely killed her inside…

Yet this was reality and that thankfully didn't happen.

Breaking out of those overpoweringly haunting thoughts, Ash's hands trembled when she touched his warm furry cheek. Fingers gingerly brushing back the soft fur that covered it; a somewhat smile rising to her face as he flinched at the contact for only a second before leaning his head into her palm. Ash's smile fell as she took in his slack face - fear and anxiety causing her mind to be flooded with visions of seeing him in a casket at his funeral. The cakey make-up not hiding the bruising and beating he'd received in his final moments.

Cold.

Stiff.

Dead.

The very thought broke her heart into fragmented, sharp pieces scattered inside her chest cavity.

A beautiful, promising life cut horrifically short by a jailed father's rivalry - killed only as retribution and payback by some punks who'd never know or even care what a wonderful person they murdered in cold blood. Someone who'd give the shirt off his back, last dollar in his wallet without question, and a constant source of encouragement and positivity to all those who were blessed enough to know him.

They would have killed him…for nothing…

Ash didn't want to fathom about what a life without him would have been like….

Best friend, confidant; the sweet guy she could tell anything to and he'd never judge her. Always a constant source of inspiration and an ever-present encouragement that she'd never knew she needed until after she had it. The smile he always wore whenever she'd see him whether it be in the theater for practice or when she'd go over to his place to bum around and eat his food; casually leaning against his side and absorbing his warmth while watching a movie. So many times they fell asleep just like that…

Them, being on the fragile cusp of this strange relationship - teetering on the edge of something far greater but neither were really sure what yet.

Ash's feelings for him were largely ignored over this time; how his beautiful brown eyes had her stomach churning painfully, heart hammering whenever he'd grasp her hand or envelop her in one of his signature spine-bending hugs. How whenever she found himself in his arms that she found herself feeling safer than she'd ever felt before…and that she never wanted to leave. Yet, even if it didn't go anywhere, having him in her life as her best friend was enough even if there would always be that nagging feeling in the back of her mind…

If Johnny had died tonight - there would be a million and one things she would have regretted for the rest of her life.

Regret not thanking him more, spending more time with him outside of the theater, being as encouraging to him as he was to her. Miss seeing his smile every morning and getting those late night texts nearly every evening before they fell asleep. The smell of his cologne and leather jacket sticking in her nostrils when she fell asleep with her head on his bicep. British-accented voice so soothing whenever he spoke or sang. She'd miss every little thing about him and regret more than anything for not telling him that for so long now that she -

Ash swallowed back a lump, mind echoing with things she wanted to say and do - the desperate desire to not leave this theater until every single one of them is taken care of. Her hand lifted; ready to push at his shoulder to wake him up but she stopped herself.

Almost as if removed from a trance, Ash shook her head. Refusing to wake him up from his restful slumber for some half-assed attempt at saying shit she really wasn't prepared to say or even comprehend at this point in time. Telling herself to simply be thankful that he was here and in one piece if a big banged up - warm, breathing, alive…

…and she was damned determined to keep him that way.

So, for right now, Ash just relaxed back into the couch; her taut quills poking at the upholstery for a second before stilling and allowing her to rest against it. A few deep breaths leaving her mouth as she watched Johnny slumber and couldn't help but smile when she knew for sure that he was going to indeed wake up…

[zolganif]

Have you ever...

Held a parrot? Held a snake? Touched a worm? Took a ferret out for a walk? Took a dog out for a walk? Had more than 3 pets at a time? Had more than 5 pets at a time? Had a pet bird? Had a pet cat? Had a pet dog? Had a pet ferret? Had a pet horse? Had a pet hamster? Had a pet insect? Had a pet iguana? Had a pet mouse? Had a pet rabbit? Had a pet rat? Had a pet snake? Had a pet tortoise? Had a pet water creature (crab, goldfish etc)? Had a pet rock or something else odd? Had a pet not listed? Stood on a cat’s tail by accident? Nearly tripped over a little dog? Been bitten by a dog? Been scratched by a cat? Been attacked by any animal? Been to the vet’s? Been to get your pet put down? Found a stray dog or cat? Nursed an animal back to health? Had a butterfly land on you? Had a ladybug in the palm of your hand? Put your hand in a spider’s web? Done bird watching? Been dog racing? Been horse racing? Rode a camel? Had your pet have a litter of little ones? Been stung by a wasp? Been bitten by a mosquito? Walked through a flower garden and took in the smells/sights? Picked a fresh rose? Picked a fresh flower of any sort? Made daisy chains? Made daisy bracelets? Done the buttercup test (under the chin)? Bought someone flowers? Been bought flowers? Done gardening? Been out in a thunderstorm? Been out in a snowstorm? Been out when there has been hailstones? Been out when it’s below -1*C/30*F? Been out when it’s been about 40*C/104*F? Been in a heatwave? Been out in 100mph winds? Been out in 120mph or more winds? Seen a waterfall? Seen the solar eclipse? Seen the lunar eclipse? Seen the aurora borealis? Sat and watched a sunset start to finish? Sat and watched a sunrise from start to finish? Been on a high mountain? Dove deep in the sea? Swam in the sea? Rode a boat? Been on an airplane? Been on a boat? Been on a train? Been on a tram? Been on a helicopter? Rode in a taxi? Been in a fireman’s truck? Been in a police vehicle? Had a ride in an ambulance? Learned First Aid? Got advanced First Aid knowledge? Seen someone have a seizure? Been there when someone had a heart attack? Called 999/911/112 or equivalent? Fainted? Had a seizure? Had an overdose? Got heatstroke? Got anemia? Got asthma? Got diabetes? Broken a bone? Had a minor injury? Had a major injury? Had a life threatening injury? Saved someone from nearly dying? Done CPR? Seen someone get shocked? Witnessed another violent crime? Been mugged? Had your house burgled? Beat someone up? Stolen something little? Stolen something pricey/big? Stolen something of sentimental value? Committed a violent crime? Been in prison? Dated anyone in prison? Had any family or close friends in prison? Drove without a license? Drove whilst drunk or on drugs? Drove whilst extremely tired or worn down? Drove way too fast? Been on a rollercoaster? Been on a ghost train? Been in the Tunnel of Love? Been on a carousel? Been bungee jumping? Been scuba diving? Been sky diving? Been in Terror Tower? Played Bloody Mary? Played with a Ouija board? Used a Ouija board for more than just fun? Seen a ghost? Seen an angel/demon/god? Thought you saw Santa? Been so frightened you fainted? Been so frightened you cried and couldn’t move? Played a cruel prank? Had a cruel prank pulled on you? Believed an Urban Legend (whether likely or not)? Was too frightened to sleep after watching a movie? Had to keep the lights on because of a movie? Laughed so hard you cried? Cried so hard you laughed? Laughed at a horror film? Cried at a comedy film? Was frightened by a scene or character from a kids movie/show? Watched movies back to back for more than 6 hours? Watched any of the SAWS? Watched any of the Harry Potters? Watched any of the Hellraisers? Watched Annie? Watched Jurassic Park? Watched TV for more than 5 hours solid? Watched episode after episode of a series back-to-back? Watched Smallville? Watched Eastenders? Watched America’s/Britain’s Got Talent? Watched Sky Sports? Watched QVC? Watched Fiver? Watched a pornographic film? Read a pornographic magazine? Viewed or used something else pornographic? Broke something of someone else’s on purpose? Spent more than 6 hours surfing the net? Spent all night on the computer messaging someone? Accidentally clicked on an inappropriate site? Received unwanted messages from a stranger? Got emails about Viagra or penis enlargement? Downloaded music legally? Downloaded movies legally? Downloaded music illegally? Downloaded movies illegally? Listened to online radio? Went on to a website you heard mentioned in an Ad? Gambled online? Played games for fun? Read stories or poetry? Wrote stories or poetry? Looked up song lyrics? Searched your name on Google? Tried to trace your family ancestry? Been on www.allpoetry.com? Been on www.bored.com? Been on www.quizilla.com? Been on www.wittyprofiles.com? Used Facebook? Used Myspace? Used Twitter? Used Tumblr? Used Snapchat? Burned a CD? Made a mixed CD? Burned a DVD? Bought a pirated DVD? Broken your computer? Damaged your keyboard? Lost the battery charger if you have a laptop? Had a PS? Had a PS2? Had a PS3? Had a Nintendo DS? Had a Wii? Had an Xbox? Had a Gamecube? Had another game console? Owned a CD player? Had a CD rack? Owned over 50 CDs? Owned over 100 CDs? Listened to a CD through your DVD player or Playstation? Owned a DVD player? Laughed at something really inappropriate? Laughed at something and snorted? Cried for no reason? Laughed for no reason? Bought a car? Bought condoms at a pharmacy/drugstore? Made an Indian dish? Made a Chinese dish? Accidentally dropped money on the street? Had someone close to you steal from you? Been victim to racism? Been victim to sexism? Been bullied? Said sorry when you didn’t mean it above 12? Missed someone so much you cried? Ate oyster? Ate octopus? Tried sushi? Made a tuna bake? Baked someone a birthday cake? Got food poisoning? Made a flan? Worked in a pub? Worked in a restaurant? Worked in a shop/store? Gave more than $5 to charity? Gave more than $20 to charity? Gave more than $50 to charity? Fell down a flight of stairs? Kissed someone of the same sex? Had sex? Opened a bank account? Had a baby? Had a miscarriage? Been skiing? Been skating? Been skateboarding? Been to Europe? Been to an amusement park? Been to a fair? Rollerbladed?<-------Well, tried. I ended up falling and getting my foot sprained. Since then, never want to try it again. Hugged a stranger? Kissed a stranger? Met someone before they were famous? Hit someone? Kicked someone? Punched someone? Smiled at a stranger? Shouted at a stranger? Forgot your pin number? Held a stranger’s hand? Looked after someone else’s child? Forgiven someone too many times? Met someone called Stacey? Met someone called Alyssa? Met someone called Gregory? Forgot your best friend’s birthday? Forgot a family member’s birthday? Been sick from a certain food? Lost your temper whilst driving? Been on a bouncy castle? Had a trampoline in your backgarden? Cut yourself on purpose for attention? Watched I’m a Celebrity? Been to a book signing? Been to a film premiere? Liked the sequel of a movie more than the original? Drove a boat? Kissed an Italian? Impersonated an accent? Been to a national opera house? Been to a school play? Been in a school play? Swore at a teacher? Swore at a police officer? Stood on a frog by accident? Been in a forest? Swam in a lake? Called someone at a really late time? Had major surgery? Made up a new dance to a song? Parodied a song with funny lyrics? Bought yourself a plasma TV? Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Broke up with someone as you cheated? Broke up with someone to get with someone else? Taken a have you ever survey?

[mrmichaelchadler]

Sundance 2019: The Last Black Man in San Francisco, Clemency

Joe Talbot’s “The Last Black Man in San Francisco” is the tale of two friends, Jimmie (Jimmie Fails) and Montgomery (Jonathan Majors), and a Victorian home in the middle of a highly gentrified neighborhood. Jimmie claims that his grandfather built every part of the home back in the 1940s, and he just wants it back in the family. The house, which he goes so far as to paint when its current owner is not home, is more than just a building to him. It’s a heartbreaking symbol for how the whole city he grew up in has changed, and has devalued the lives of men and women like him. But this emotional set-up for the script, co-written by Fails and Talbot, is only just the foundation for what proves to be a singular, luminous American story.

“The Last Black Man in San Francisco” proclaims a next-level brilliance from it opening sequence in which Jimmie and Montgomery speed around San Francisco (Jimmie on his skateboard, Montgomrey sometimes dashing behind him), displaying Talbot's major league precision in color, editing, motion, and music. It gets a true adrenaline from this filmmaking in its first half, going from one visually stunning scene from the next, introducing a wildly new color palette compared to the last. This is the kind of movie that sucks you in with its vision, that begs to be rewatched in order to savor every shot or strange little item in its production design for various living spaces (like the cluttered home of Danny Glover’s supporting character and grandfather to Montgomery). Talbot quickly announces himself as a filmmaker who actively considers everything going on in a frame, and how to define his characters by their surroundings, and the music that accompanies them (a whimsical Joni Mitchell song over the aggressive Greek chorus of men that talk shit outside Grandpa Allen's house is probably the best example). All the while, different tones of storytelling are blended—some beats are extremely funny in their dry manner, others are completely heartbreaking—and “The Last Black Man in San Francisco” remains consistently gorgeous and unpredictable.

Talbot doesn’t lean on this energy the entire time: the second half is more subdued, spending more time in the house, while getting to know the men internally. It’s a crucial choice, as the film would've been  exhausting if it went the same speed from start to finish, and it helps the movie go inward, detailing the lives of supporting people like Kofi, a member of that Greek chorus who talks shit about Montgomery and Jimmie being "soft." In more tender moments, Talbot's film observes how these men have a friendship that itself is like a peaceful family, a contrast to the lost relationships they have with their own parents. 

A pivotal aspect to this story are Jimmie and Montgomery. They’re two gentle friends who are clearly removed from the aggression that's observed in other black men within this film. They reminded me most of Charlie Brown and Linus from Charles Schultz’s “Peanuts” comics: Along with both of them wearing the same clothes in every day, Majors clings his red drawing book like Linus does with his blanket, while being the introspective, philosophical one. They both have a boyish innocence that is striking, a very specific artistic choice in their acting and in storytelling that works as an honest expression on the film’s contrasting portrayals of masculinity. 

Talbot displays perhaps his most confidence with his script (co-written by Talbot and Fails), which is simplified to the two men trying to get the house, fill it with themselves, and hold onto it. He wants you to appreciate the magic of the house, the way that light cuts through in different rooms, its ornate detail from start to finish. Even more, he wants you to recognize and love these characters, too. The film's incredible tension comes from watching Jimmie and Montgomery in this gorgeous city--alongside other larger-than-life individuals--and seeing just how much these men do not have a place in it.  

“Clemency” is one of the toughest films playing in the Sundance’s U.S. Dramatic Competition this year, but with its tactful and rich world-building for its story about the death penalty, it’s also one of the best. Writer/director Chinonye Chukwu uses calibrated artistry across the board to tell a sensitive story about a prison warden’s very challenging position of power, its performances providing unforgettable faces for those whose lives circle around capital punishment. 

In a stunning opening scene, we see a lethal injection go wrong, requiring different needle placements and horror for those who have been selected to watch. It is not a peaceful route to the required result. All the while, Alfre Woodard’s Warden Bernadine Williams remains impossibly stoic as she stands over the man. It’s just one moment in which you see the control that she has over this place, a woman caught between a clear pride she has for her work that has elements that continue to wear down on her. Throughout the film, Woodard is brilliant in how she shows a woman who does not easily let her guard down in a job that demands so much of her strong spirit, something that affects her relationship with her husband Jonathan (Wendell Pierce) and can be challenged whenever she interacts with the prisoners that she knows more like a caring teacher than someone just working a job. When Bernadine does reach her breaking point, after later seeing the tragedy of her work, it’s a masterful display of a face failing to beat its repressed emotions, and Chukwu holds on her face for a stunning minute-long close-up. 

But more than just about Warden Williams and the prison she watches over, the story is about a life we see in the headlines: Aldis Hodge’s Anthony Woods, a man sentenced to death for the killing of a cop, which he insists he didn’t do. Hodge carries on the film’s exhilarating ambition to express feelings that are unconscionable outside of a prison cell, like when he silently processes that he is finally about to die after a visit from Woodard’s character and then aims to smash his head against a concrete wall. Later, he helps “Clemency” show the tragedy of men like Anthony, as he gets a glimmer of hope that he might belong to a family, and clings to that fantasy while waiting on a message of clemency from the governor. One of the best supporting turns at Sundance this year, it's an incredible physical and emotional feat. 

Within Chukwu’s impressive work with this material, she populates the story with concrete themes as explored by side characters who revolve around Warden Williams, and fill in the world of “Clemency.” Wendell helps paint a sense of the sometimes silly, but conflicted home that Warden Williams can return to, and has a striking moment in which he quotes Invisible Man to his high school students, while Chukwu shows us glimpses of listening faces. Anthony’s lawyer Marty (Richard Schiff), brings a tenderness to the job as another person who cares about Anthony, providing a friendship to him as much as hope of saving his life. And Michael O’Neill, as Chaplain Kendricks, offers a sense of the spiritual peace that comes with such a job, as if a lifeline for Warden Williams as someone who has also seen the same horrific things that she does on a daily basis. Chukwu unites these characters, vivid and excellent roles for each of these actors, under the theme of finality—all of them proclaim to Warden Williams that they want to retire, as if they have reached their own end with being in the same world as capital punishment. 

“Clemency” is that little miracle of filmmaking, a story that answers to unthinkable tonal and narrative challenges it sets for itself by providing a clear vision. The cinematography by Eric Branco becomes its own life source, finding expressive lighting and framing within the drab setting of a prison, making corridors of cells seem all the more endless. Chukwu's film is further proof that great moviemaking is the key to bringing audiences into profound, somber head spaces and places of employment. 

from All Content http://bit.ly/2BiY3rX

[geek-girl-with-ptsd]

Being Shielded

The man that raised me was a wonderful man. He took on 3 children that were not his own and raised them as such. I never felt like he didn’t love me and I even called him Dad. 

To me, he was my Dad. He may not have given me life, but he taught me to ride a bicycle. Paid for doctor bills when I was diagnosed with migraines from a car accident that messed up my neck. It took them months to find out what was wrong with me so you can imagine that stack of doctor bills. 

The biggest thing of all was he let me have a cat in the house. That man HATED cats with a passion. Loathed them to the core. However, he knew how much I loved them. That was when I got Marla, my deaf cat. 

He was a saint to me, though I know now as an adult he had his faults. As do we all. He was young and got thrown into the middle of 3 children and a woman who was a bit of a problem. 

Now for the sake of my healing and such, I am only going to refer to this woman as D from now on. I do not associate her with being a mother figure and as much as it pains me, I never really had one. So the woman that birthed me will be referred to as D. 

Sometimes it is hard for me to recall parts of my childhood. I remember Big L taking me to softball practice, I was shortstop. I loved playing. Then I remember Batton, where Big L made sure I got to all my practices. He was always there. 

I even joined Jr. Cheerleading because I wanted to be like my sister. He made sure I got to camp for it and took me to anything I needed to be at. D only took me to a few events and usually complained. She would tell anyone that would listen, Big L MADE her pay for everything when it came to us kids, and that was not true. He paid for the majority. She blew her money on clothes and recreational drugs. 

My childhood from 4-10 was not bad at all. There were clearly moments I should have known D was a psychopath. One time she “cleaned out” my room and rounded up a bunch of my toys and then she threw them in the burn barrel and lit them on fire. 

I had to watch as she did this. I was holding a stuffed animal I had gotten from my Father in prison. I loved that Teddy Bear and I practically took it everywhere I went. It was taken out of my hands and thrown on top of the fire. I was probably 7 or 8 at the time. It was devastating for me. She took the one thing I had that connected me to my father. Not just that she lit my toys and things on fire in front of me. Who does that? 

I grew up in a bar. After I was diagnosed with Migraines, D would take me to work with her if I had them during a school day. Of course, you could smoke in bars then, so not exactly a great atmosphere for someone with a migraine. Really children should not be in bars anyways. 

I remember laying on bar stools and watching cartoons until lunchtime. When the lunch rush came in the patrons would sometimes allow me to continue watching cartoons. Just depended on who came in for lunch. These were things that were normal for me. 

Big L also kept it hidden from everyone how D would cheat on him. He kept taking her back because he didn’t want to lose us kids. I did not find out until I was an adult. I had to ask the hard questions, and I always get the hard answers. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know. 

It got to the point that D would skip work and go to men’s houses and Big L finally having enough drove to one of their houses and got in the car and cut up all the credit cards the two of them shared. He didn’t want to do her any favors, plus she had a spending problem she hid relatively well. 

This was really the beginning of the end, and she ended up actively dating a totally different man from the ones she was already sleeping with. She really was a busy beaver. 

Christmas Eve came the year I was 10. We woke up and had a nice Christmas morning with Big L and D. This was the one time of year D was not usually in a foul mood until after we were done with presents. Think it is one of the reasons I still to this day enjoy Christmas. One of the only holidays she did not ruin for me completely... well kinda of. 

Big L went off to his family’s Christmas and D took us kids to our Grandma’s Christmas. This was a bit abnormal, but we all knew Big L and D were fighting about something. As kids, we did not know what exactly, just that they were. So we enjoyed the day with family and then came home. 

When we arrived home D told us to grab some clothes and said we were going to spend the night somewhere. I thought it was weird and protested saying I wanted to see Dad, Big L. I am pretty sure my brother did as well, but she got angry and ended up grabbing clothes on her own. 

She put everything into a picnic basket. Not even luggage. I thought that was weird, but what was I supposed to do? Question D? I had already learned not to do that by 10. Get hit, I would. She drove us to the city and to a man’s home. We actually were moving out of our childhood home and had no idea. 

This was where we stayed now. Big L had no idea we were moving out, D never told him. He, of course, figured it out, but my brother and I called him a lot and cried we wanted to go home. I didn’t like her boyfriend and all they did was sleep together, argue, and do drugs. Such a healthy place for children. Big L would have gladly kept us if she had let him. 

Though this is the problem with Narcissists. They may hate their children, but they need their supply. Children give you 18+ years of supply. Especially if they don’t break ties with you. So as inconvenient as we were, she NEVER would have allowed us to go stay with someone who loved us and would take care of us so she could party like she wanted. 

It did not take us long to realize how much Big L had shielded us for so many years. I had to quit all my sports because she would never take me or get me there on time if she did. I would call and call after practices and she would never pick up and I would have to resort to walking home. It was ridiculous. 

I became her little slave. If I did not clean the home to perfection every day, I would get beat and she would belittle me. It was the standard of living now. Something I would have to get used to. I was the whipping boy if you will. 

My brother was the son of “the love of my life” as she would call him. She barely knew the man she cheated on my Father with. So yea... I believe that. My sister also had her father in the picture she would go see. She knew if she did most the things she did to me, to her. Her father would take her away from D. 

My sister did have to babysit a lot, which she hated. She was the closest thing to a mother I had after we moved out of Big L’s house. I, of course, did not like it, she is my sister and shouldn’t be bossing me around. My brother was babied beyond belief. 

Though having a favorite child happens a lot with Narcissistic Mothers. A lot more than you would think. I don’t harbor any bad feelings towards my brother. Even with being the favorite, he had a lot he dealt with especially after I moved out. 

The man she moved in with started hitting her and was starting to go after us kids. I stood up for myself on more than one occasion and protected my brother. I hit him in the head with my skateboard and told him he would never touch me or my sibling or D again. He did stop the physical abuse after that. Nobody likes falling on their ass by someone who was only 12ish at the time. 

The cops got involved and he would disappear for a while, but D would keep letting him back into our lives. I honestly think she was making him crazy. To this day, I fully believe it. He twisted that poor man’s mind. There was nothing bad about him for over a year and then BOOM like a flip switched. 

Leads me back to my father, no one would believe he could murder someone. So if she could drive a man to murder, why not one to being an abusive stalker. Especially when you tell him you hate him one day and want nothing to do with him and then invite him over for sex and drugs and then kick him out again? 

Soon after we moved out of his home, D started what my sister and I referred to as “The Parade of Men.” We questioned if she was a prostitute, drug dealer, and so many other things. What kind of mother brings strange men into her home where her children sleep? 

The sucky part about this was, my brother would go stay with Big L while my sister would go to her Dad’s. I always wanted to be at Big L’s with my brother, but D manipulated me into staying with her. She didn’t want to be alone. 

Yea, so you leave me in the house while you sleep with random men, doing drugs and I am supposed to just clean up the house and be unsupervised and ignored and mistreated. As a 12-year-old, I just accepted it willingly. I felt bad for her, she played the victim well. 

The sad part was that it put me in bad situations with random men in the home.

[the-corvid-ghuleh]

The Crow: No Rest for the Wicked

Chapter 5/15!

Also on FanFiction.Net, and AO3!

Rating: M

Summary:  It has been eighteen years since Eric Draven had come back from the dead to avenge himself as well as his beloved Shelly Webster. Tonight, the resurrection shall begin anew. She is a force to be reckoned with. Rated M for content, nothing too graphic though.

Note: The Crow (the original story) was created by James O'Barr. I am only creating a fanfiction for it for fun.Here's some trigger warnings: Violence against a child, accidental killing, finding a dead body, language, self harm, implied torture, gross description of an infected wound, and suicidal ideation.

Chapter One Here!

Chapter Two Here!

Chapter Three Here!

Chapter Four Here!

Chapter Five: London Bridge is Falling Down

"We're all killers.

We've all killed parts of ourselves to survive.

We've all got blood on our hands.

Something somewhere had to die so that we could stay alive."

- If memories could bleed, if dreams could scream | M.A.W.

Property of Sarah Monster

Those were the words etched on the vintage skateboard. Unfortunately, this triggered another flashback:

The young girl ran as far away as she could from the scene of the crime she had just committed. She now had blood on her hands, however vile the person whose veins contained it was.

She ran back to her home and slammed the door, startling her sleeping mother.

"Mom!" She shouted.

Her heavily pregnant mother woke up from her nap and was visibly annoyed.

"Whatisit?" The older woman woke up groggily.

The girl was pretty hesitant to confess her sin to her mother, she knew she would get an angry lecture from her.

"Well, what is it?" The pregnant woman demanded.

"I,I,I..Uh.." The girl stammered.

"Well, spit it out!" She said.

"I just killed a man!" She finally said.

"You what?" The mother exclaimed, alarm and anger present in her face.

"I just killed a man." The girl repeated.

"Well, why did you do that? You better explain yourself right away!" The mother warned.

"He was forcing me to fight him, and I hit him too hard, and he stumbled backwards, fell, and hit his head on the ground. I tried to, but he never woke up.." The girl was ashamed of what she did, and the consequences that would come after.

"Oh god WHY?" The older woman shout rhetorically.

The girl had no answer for that, just silence.

"Alright. First thing is, you will have to tell the police! Say it was self-defense. Otherwise, they'll think you killed him on purpose."

~I~

The girl and her mother were driving along the roads of the city. The crime had quieted down ever since the last Devil's Night had occurred a couple years ago. Since then, the girl and her mother learned to get back on their feet, and everything was going great. At least, up until what happened.

~I~

"C'mon you little shit! Fight like a man!" A gangbanger had stunned the girl out of nowhere. He punched her in the face when she wasn't looking and she found herself trying to deflect all of his crushing blows.

The girl was at her wit's end, this guy was high on his own adrenaline and looking for his next trip, which, unfortunately, she would have to be providing.

"Leave me alone!" The girl cried, falling on selectively deaf ears.

The attacker just laughed and punched her in the face again, blood oozing out of her nose.

"Now why would I do that? Jaguaro never quits just 'cause you ask." The gangbanger, named Jaguaro, taunted, referring to himself in the third person.

With that, he kept throwing punch after punch. The girl had finally had enough and caught one of the arrogant gangbanger's fists.

"What the..?" Jaguaro did not have enough time to finish his sentence, as the little girl had struck the bridge of his nose. This attack had stunned him both physically and mentally stunned. He attempted to strike back, only to be met with another, much harder, punch to the face. His momentum driving him to stumble backwards, ultimately leading him to trip and tumble over the steps, hitting his head along the way down.

The girl, picking herself back up, walked over to check on him. His sprawled out form had been contorted uncomfortably, blood still freshly oozing from the wound on his head, his nose equally as bloody, his eyes still open, staring at nothing. Jaguaro remained motionless, which was what worried the girl.

She checked his neck for a pulse.

Nothing. Not even a feint beat.

In a fruitless attempt to resuscitate him, she tried to push down on his chest, like the doctors on TV did, but she had given up easily. This was hopeless, she cannot just un-dead someone she just killed. She began to burst into tears,

This is not the path I am meant to take, The girl thought as she picked her skateboard back up, and ran back home.

~I~

The whole scene had replayed over and over in her head like a movie. What was even worse was that the cops may even question her, and god forbid, if she did something wrong, or not do something right, she might have to go to prison!

Every inch of her being filled with dread at that thought.

A loud sound jolted her out of those thoughts, along with some violent vibrations reverberating throughout the car. The girl's mother looked to see the source of the sound and vibes, but fear gripped every fiber of her being.

The girl was filled to the brim with dread as well. she heard a smashing of glass and a pair of hands jerk her out of the car through the broken window.

Those same hands tied her up, blindfolded her, and silenced her cries with a simple piece of silver tape.

"This is what you get for killing Jaguaro!" A strange, male voice told her. She could only struggle against the binds of silence and darkness as she was hauled to another place.

~I~

The woman felt strange. Different. Depleted even. Though her name was scrawled on the old skateboard, she had sort of felt, well... Detached from it. Perhaps due to the fact that she was named Nemesis for the longest time, or she did things that Sarah Monster would never do, like hurt, maim, or even kill people just because she was ordered to, and work for a gang.

"I don't deserve the name Sarah."The woman said to herself.

It doesn't matter what you deserved or not. The crow told her.

He is correct. The Woman in Black said. The worst can and will happen to the best of all of us.

What matters now is you are putting the wrong things right, just as you had always quoted yourself. No matter what, you have help now. The crow assured the woman.

"You're right. I am doing everything right now. But I'd like to know where they put Jaguaro's body." The woman realized.

I can guide you to there right now. The crow answered as he flew away, with the woman and her new pet cat following on her motorcycle.

The woman was led to a deep, grassy marsh in the woods of an abandoned part of the former Detroitian suburbia. There, she had another flashback that did not exactly pertain to her, but did involve Damian and Co.

~I~

Even with all five men pitching in, Jaguaro's body was still heavy for them to carry.

"Finally!" Blaze gruffed, still trying to catch his breath.

"Now comes the fun part. Hurling the dead weight into the gully." Envy snarked, wiping sweat off of his nonexistent eyebrows.

"Less talking, more disposing of the body!" Damian berated, despite not having anything to do with carrying the body.

"Hey I have an idea! How about help us and not jerk us around like that!" Caliber protested.

"You know I can't." Damian replied.

"Yeah, there's always something wrong with your bone spurs or some shit!" Mastodon aggrieved.

Jackal just simply shook his masked head in disapproval at the injustice of it all.

With all their strengths, the men had managed to roll the body off until it disappeared into the tall grass and weeds.

"See you in Hell, buddy!" Envy saluted condescendingly.

Just then, Ace appeared out of nowhere.

"I found where the girl who killed Jaguaro lives." He informed.

~I~

Feeling mentally drained from the flashback, the woman stalled for a little while. After a couple of breaths, she finally gathered some motivation to walk steadily down the marsh to find the body.

It wasn't long until she accidentally stepped on what she thought was a thick twig. She brushed aside the long grass and saw that the "twig" was white. It was then that she knew, she had found Jaguaro, or rather yet, what was left of him, which were rags and bones.

At first, she didn't know what to think. Sure he was an ass to her in their first and only meeting, but seeing his remains and how the gang just cast him off like that, like he was roadkill, made her twinge with sympathy. However, she hated that his death (In self-defense, mind you) caused a string of events that led up to her... Current situation.

It doesn't do you any good to dwell on what could have been. What happened, happened. You must accept the circumstances. The Woman in Black appeared next to the woman.

She didn't respond, but she turned her head to her zombie companion.

"I'm gonna need a wagon, a bed sheet, a piece of paper, something to write with, a box, and... I think that's it." The woman said.

The Woman in Black complied and walked to one of the homes to find such supplies.

What do you need these things for? The crow asked, perched on one of the trees.

"Giving Jaguaro a proper burial, as well as giving the gang an old reminder." The woman answered.

Dolph had managed to escape his restrictive binds and ran as fast as he could to where Damian currently resided. It was a very long run from Oldboy Avenue through where Club Trash is all the way to Weinger Street.

By the time he reached Damian's current residence, he was all out of breath.

"What do you want, Dolph?" Damian asked, not looking at him.

"Houston..." He gasped for air. "We have a problem." He took a few more deep breaths.

Raising an eyebrow, Damian asked, "What is this problem that we have now?"

"Some girl..." taking a few more slow breaths. "Wearing all... black leather and makeup and shit.."

"Yes, go on." Damian motioned for him to get to the point.

"I think she's out to get all y'all, and I think she already got Mastodon."

So he saw what the assailant may have looked like. Hmmm... Interesting. Damian thought to himself.

"Tell me more." He instructed.

"Alright. She took a few things. A lot of weapons, my prized motorcycle, a skateboard..." Dolph obliged.

"Ok..." Damian nodded. "What did she say to you?"

"Other than nonsense rambling? She asked about Leviathan, and our plan." Dolph answered.

"Did she give any hints to who she was?" Damian asked.

"Nothing, zilch, nada! I don't think even she knew either!"

"Shit. If Leviathan finds out about this, we're all done for!" Ace panicked.

"Leviathan will. Not. Know. And furthermore, it is a simple mishap that can be fixed. Do you understand?" Damian berated.

"Yes Dam." He relented.

"Good." Damian concluded, dismissing Dolph.

The already inebriated Blaze took yet another gulp of booze before inflicting another cut on his arm. The blood slowly, but surely, oozed out.

Good. He thought to himself.

He had been doing this since he was a youth. Ever since his father always drunkenly beat him bloody, He liked the pain. So much, that his asshole father was creeped out by him.

Fuck you old man. He thought as well.

To Blaze, pain was the best drug anyone can take. It doesn't require much, and there's no need for a dealer. It also kept his masculinity in check. He loved inflicting it on himself, and anyone else. It was one of the reasons he was thankful for Damian, who allowed and encouraged his habit. He especially loved having a friend to share his pain addiction to, such as Envy, even thought his way receiving pain involved body modification.

His thoughts were interrupted by a single knock on his door.

"WHOSERE?" Blaze drunkenly muddled in one word.

Outside, the woman was knocking, the crow on her shoulder, Zen the cat rubbing against her left leg.

"He's drunk." She concluded. It'll be easy to take him down.

Do not think for a second that just because he's inebriated, he will be any more easy to kill. I learned that the hard way when I killed F- I mean, one of my killers. The crow warned, listening to her unspoken intentions.

The woman took the advice in stride and knocked on the door again.

A stumbling sound along with several unnamed items shattering had occurred. "GODDAMMIT! ASS! SHIT!" Blaze yelled, his voice muffled by the thickness of the door. The woman giggled at his loud, boisterous swearing.

The door suddenly swung open. It was Blaze in all his shirtless, drunken glory.

"That's not piss! I spilt beer on me!" He defensively said, mentioning the suspicious stain on the crotch of his pants.

"I didn't say anything." The woman put her hands up.

Once Blaze took a good look at her, there was something familiar about how she looked, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

"You here to give me my daily dose of pain, babe?" He asked, inebriation tainting his better judgement.

"You could say that." The woman replied in unamused monotone.

"Come on in then." He said bluntly. He then pointed to the crow and the cat. "No birds or cats allowed though."

I'll stay outside with Zen. The crow assured.

The woman nodded and entered the dumpster of a house. Beer cans and bottles were everywhere. The place stank of only god knows what, and mold and mildew littered the walls.

"Welcome to the dungeon." Blaze said with a smile.

"Doesn't look like much." The woman deadpanned.

"That's my boss Damian for ya. Takes and hoards all the good shit and leaves us with the scraps. Stingy asshole." Blaze explained.

You're telling me! The woman thought to herself. He was right though, Damian does take the best things for himself, even girls.

~I~

"So.. I heard you have a girlfriend now, huh Nemesis?" Damian inquired with a smirk.

"What's it to you?" The woman asked discourteously.

"Well, you ought to let me see how she is, if you know what I mean, of course." he implied.

The statement however, set her off.

"The answer is fuck you!" The woman snapped.

She was suddenly punched in the face, blood oozing out of her nose and the corner of her mouth.

"You know the rules of relationships here, girl!" Damian growled.

"If you ever lay a hand on Elorah, I will kill you!" The woman warned.

~I~

The woman was interrupted from her thoughts by Blaze.

"You in la la land or somethin'? I'm ready for my dose of pain, babe." He said impatiently.

"Sometimes, pain can be messy, so I ought to put on an apron and gloves, and maybe, pull my hair back. Oh, and get something to tether you with. You can never be too careful." The woman instructed with a smile.

"Alright, babe. Just hurry up. I'm eager for my fix."

With that, the woman left. While she was out of view, Blaze noticed something.

She kinda looks like Nemesis. Can't be her though, we killed her. He thought.

Before he could think any further, the woman reappeared dressed as she promised.

"I found zip ties. I hope that's okay." The woman said.

"Sure." He replied, anticipating what was to come next. The woman then bound his hands and feet to the chair and then pulled out a few select blades: a scalpel, a serrated knife, a hooked blade...

Blaze's eyes grew wide with every knife she pulled out. This was too much, even for a masochist like him.

"Alright, I think that's enough." He said, his voice crackling with panic.

Just then, the woman's cheerful look twisted into one of hatred.

"No, I think not." The woman replied. "I do not think that pain is a fitting enough punishment for you. You deserve much, much, worse, in my opinion."

"What the hell did I ever do to you?" Blaze was in full panic mode now.

"Actually, the question is, what haven't you done to me? You raped and killed my girlfriend,.."

"Well hellooo... kiddo." Blaze said, ripping Elorah's shirt open, seeing she had no underwear on.

"You disfigured my face..."

"You look a little too pretty in my opinion." Blaze said as he got a vial of acid to do a little.. 'work' on her face.

"You shattered my knee.."

He picked up a nearby rock and slammed it down as hard as he could on the woman's knee.

"AAAHHHH!" She screamed in pain.

"Need I say more?" The woman asked.

Blaze's suspicions were confirmed.

"It's you, isn't it, Nemesis?"

"You talk as if you expected me to come back to life or something." The woman raised an eyebrow.

"So the legends are true. A dead person can come back for revenge." He replied.

"Right answer." The woman answered.

"Let's just get it over with." He sighed.

"Now where's the fun in that?" She chuckled.

Blaze then took his very last breath, resigned to his fate.

Sabriel managed to drive back to her apartment and took her shower and changed into her pajamas and after that, took her leftovers out from the fridge and microwaved them. She then turned her TV on to Netflix, but nothing was working to keep her from mentally reeling from what had happened.

Jesus, was that really her, or was it just some creepette who just happened to look like her?

She could've sworn that a year ago, she had recognized her dead body on the morgue, it was even confirmed that she was buried in the same place where she was found.

If so, then why was she moving around like a living person? Why does she wear that makeup on her face like it's some kind of war paint? So many questions and so little answers running through her head like crazy.

Was it partially guilt? Not that Sabriel would admit it to anyone, not even God, but sometimes, she felt bad for judging the woman so harshly. Not just for her little sister's sake, but that woman used to be friends with her mother and stepfather to be before they were violently killed in their apartment by some disgusting criminals.

If that was the case, why did she become a criminal like them? Sabriel thought bitterly.

It was ironic because a year later, those same criminals were found dead by mysterious means. Officially, their boss had killed them and the rest of his cohorts in a fit of insanity, but when gossip spread, she constantly heard the name of the man who would have been her stepfather. That he came back from the grave. That he killed those men. He had similar makeup on, he wore black leather, and he had a crow on his shoulder.

Just like her.

Could that be it? She came back from the dead to get revenge on whoever killed her and Elorah? It was all so confusing to her. Every conclusion she went to left more questions than answers.

Next time I see her, she owes me an explanation. Sabriel thought, eating her leftovers and watching TV.

Dalle had responded to a panicked call coming from the address 1011 Darkman Drive. The lady who called had apparently been the occupant's uh... Dominatrix. She appeared a little late and ended up finding a pretty nasty crime scene. She drove over there to see how much gruesome it was.

Once Dalle got to the address, the word 'gruesome' was an understatement.

Nathaniel Dorff aka "Blaze" was found murdered. His body remained bound to his chair in zip ties. His eyes and mouth were both sewn shut. However, there were thin cut slits that struck vertically over both of his eyes. His mouth though, the stitches extended further from the mouth onto the cuts that made somewhat of a Glasgow smile. Unfortunately, that wasn't the most disgusting thing to happen to him. His back, however, had sustained the most damage. The bones were cut out and twisted out, making him look like he had wings, like a bird or something. It was as if someone put him through blood eagle or something.

And if that wasn't weird enough, a couple pieces of jewelry and his phone were missing, but not the money he had on top of his mostly empty counter. That goes to tell Dalle that the motive definitely wasn't robbery.

"That's the second body we went through today." An officer stated.

"Yeah, I know, something must be up." Dalle inquired as she stared at the clear glass sliding door, pondering the significance of it all. However, her thoughts were interrupted by what looked like the rustling of the back bushes.

Probably just a rabbit. Dalle thought at first, but when she looked closely, the figure was too large to be a rabbit. It was in fact, person sized.

A vagrant, then.

She approached the bushes to warn whoever was straying there to leave, that this was an active crime scene, but once Dalle took a closer look at the figure, it was a woman. This woman wore black and leather, and her face was painted up somewhat like a harlequin, except there was a blackbird shape which covered her eyes and nose. One of her eyelids were sewn shut, with a scar striking through it. Her face looked familiar, but Dalle couldn't exactly tell who at the moment. One thing was for certain though, the stolen jewelry and the phone were on her person.

"Freeze!" Dalle ordered. The strange looking woman complied with the order.

"Give me the phone!" She ordered.

"I was done with it anyways." The woman spoke as she handed over the phone.

"Hands behind your back!" Another order.

"Alright." The strange woman sighed in mock defeat as she was handcuffed.

"Why are you so smug?" Dalle demanded.

"We both know how futile this situation is. You cannot stop me from fulfilling my revenge pact as a revenant." The woman answered.

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Hell has nothing to do with who or what I am. In the minds of the vengeful and disgruntled, I am but a mere fantasy acting on the urges that a morally bound being such as you wouldn't even dream of. Your law will not bind me from avenging me and Elorah. In fact, law does not apply when you're dead."

With a single jerk of the hands, the woman broke free of the binding of the handcuffs.

"With that, I bid you adieu. But not before imparting a couple words that you may have heard before: When the hangman jokes, nobody laughs!" The woman bowed before disappearing.

Dalle was left dumbstruck by what this woman just said and did.

Did she... No, that's not possible, it can't be!

Many thoughts and scenarios ran though her mind, but every lead just brought up more questions than answers.

"The fuck?" Dalle cursed to herself.

Elorah walked in the big, empty streets, trying not to get caught by anyone with bad intentions. The white plumaged crow cautiously followed her as well. Something compelled her to walk in this side of town, but it was not yet known what.

At least, until her white crow guide flew to an abandoned place.

She was here. The white crow said.

Elorah had followed, but not before seeing a crow shaped impact crack on the wall. She came closer to it before feeling flashbacks involving her girlfriend hit her mentally. She ran to the abandoned asylum to find her guide, but that didn't help at all. she kept getting flashbacks of her beloved girlfriend fighting off one of the men who killed the both of them.

Are you alright? The white crow asked. Elorah nodded.

What happened? She asked.

"I just felt her presence. You're right, she was here, with a black plumaged crow. She had killed him and escaped. Her exit was over there." Elorah answered, pointing to the path where her girlfriend ran.

You felt her pain and rage through those flashbacks, didn't you? The white crow asked.

"Yes. Is she, well, you know, avenging us?"

Yes Elorah. She is. She answered. And he is guiding her.

"Who?"

The crow on her shoulder. She answered proudly.

Both Elorah and the white crow exited the abandoned building, knowing where to go next.

Tallulah pulled up one of her fingerless gloves, and gazed for what seemed to be a long time on the scabbed over, recently inflicted cuts on her arm. They looked infected with red skin surrounding the afflicted areas, the scabs themselves appeared to be laden with a green tinge with fibers from her glove sticking to them. They were sore to the touch when she picked at the crass, bumpy area of the injury.

Damn you disease, why can't you just kill me faster? She thought.

Unbeknownst to everyone around her but herself, she did in fact have a disease. It affected her blood and her blood flow, but it took such a long time to kill her. It wasn't hereditary, it was simply passed to her by Nemesis herself, when she tried to suck the venom out of the snakebite she inflicted upon herself.

Nemesis walked to Tallulah's room because she hadn't gotten out of bed yet, and she was getting increasingly worried about her. She looked peaceful, but when she saw a snake, she started to panic. She threw the snake out of the building, and checked for any bites. Sure enough, there was one on her shoulder.

She pulled out her knife and cut open the afflicted area. She put her mouth on the wound and started sucking the venom out, spitting out blood in the process.

Tallulah moaned at the pain and the feeling of the other woman's lips on her wound.

"Nngh..."

Nemesis heard this and looked up at her.

"You're alive!" She exclaimed, blood covering her mouth.

"Why did you bother with me?" She asked weakly.

"Because you were nice to me." Nemesis answered as she sewed up Tallulah's wound.

Silence filled the air for a moment or two.

"Do you love me?" Tallulah asked, the cloudiness clearing up.

To Nemesis, that question was complex. On finding out her family lineage, it was less than ideal, sometimes she felt like it was betraying her friends who were killed by those people. But, she had to have a friend and supporter somewhere. She loved her as a friend, but she couldn't and wouldn't ever go further than a just that, a friend. But she was sensitive, kind, and endearing.

"I love... That you are a very empathetic person." Nemesis answered, trying to answer the question satisfactorily as possible.

"Will you.. Have sex with me?" Tallulah asked, the question on her mind finally out in the open.

Nemesis thought about it for a while before answering. "Yes."

Once she found out about the disease, Tallulah kept it a secret to everyone, including her. She couldn't tell Nemesis about the disease, she'd hate herself and want to die. She'd been hoping that the disease would kill her before anyone else did, without success.

Ding! A text from Blaze. She picked up the phone.

Everything will be alright, I promise

-Nemesis

A smile overcame her senses.

The gang was dumbstruck by what just appeared on their phones. It was a picture of Blaze, only, his back was cut open, and the bones were twisted out like wings. Along with the disturbing image came this text: Where is your god now?

"Shit! First Mastodon, now Blaze? What the fuck are we gonna do, man?" Caliber was panicking now.

"I dunno. But, we have to keep our cool on this." Envy replied.

Jackal nodded in agreement.

"I don't fuckin' know 'bout you guys. But I know what I'm gonna do. I'm getting the hell outta dodge!" He declared, his decision final.

"What? Damian ain't gonna like this one bit. You know that right?" Envy exclaimed.

"Yeah! But I ain't getting killed by... Her!" Caliber said.

"How the fuck do ya know whoever killed them is a her? For all we know, it could be someone from a rival gang trying to fuck with us!" Envy replied.

"It's that bitch we killed last year! She's back from the dead and she's gonna kill us all!" Caliber ranted.

"Okay, this is getting fucking ridiculous. Are you starting to believe that stupid bullshit that Blazey told you 'bout the Eric Draven dude? Cause I'm startin to think Damian might be right." Envy said.

"Be a skeptic all you want bruh, just don't come cryin' to me when she's beatin' the ever living tar out of you." Caliber said as he exited the building.

Envy and Jackal followed him outside as he went to his car.

"At least think about where you're gonna go." Envy despondently said.

"Probably L.A., or Salt Lake City, or somewhere in the Southwest. Anywhere far away from here." Caliber said, hugging his buddies before entering his car.

"I wish you'd realize all it is is just a boogeyman folk tale to scare naughty kids into submission." Envy tried, but deep down knowing, that Caliber made up his mind.

"I'm not staying here while a revenant is trying to kill us." Caliber said.

"Caliber..."

"I'm not staying here while a revenant is trying to kill us."

"Cal.." Envy said, teeth clenched.

"I'M NOT STAYING HERE WHILE A FUCKING REVENANT IS TRYING TO KILL US! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? THAT BITCH IS GONNA TORTURE AND KILL ALL OF YOU 'TILL SHE GETS BORED! You know what? Stay here and die bitches." Caliber finally shouted as he drove off, leaving Envy and Jackal dumbfounded.

"What happened?" Ace suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

"Blaze just got bumped off and Caliber turned tail and chickened the fuck outta here. Dam's just gonna love this." Envy answered, the last sentence laden thick with sarcasm.

"Doesn't matter now. Cal made his choice, and now he's gonna get his due, undead avenger be damned." Ace said, looking out into the distance.

The Woman in Black, while all by herself, decided to do a little self-reflection. While her young novice was a bit, rash, to say the least, she would readily admit that the woman she is to guide reminded her a lot of her own self as a recently revived revenant.

So much feist, so much rage, so much vengeance yet to be inflicted, and yet, so much regret, regret over things beyond her realm of control. Attempting to rationalize the cruelty of fate herself, looking for someone to take it out on. What if she had been irredeemably evil in a past life? Believing that if Death themself had their way, she'd be immortal while everyone else around her was not. Alas, every human must be mortal, so the next best thing would be to make everyone around her die while she was forced to live and watch them die, only dying because she metaphorically taunted a predatorial beast that would kill anything in its path. The opportunity of coming back from the dead would be an excuse to look for some little slip up so she could be damned to walk the earth forever.

Another alternative could be making a sacrifice so senseless and pathetic that she would be too sinful for Heaven, not evil enough for Hell, she wouldn't even have a place in Purgatory, so she would have no choice but to come back from the dead and walk among the shadows.

That was what it once felt like for her. That was why she could relate to the woman so much.

She had first seen that woman when she was a child, placing flowers on the graves of a young couple who never had a real chance at happiness, much less with each other. In fact, the male half of the couple, over finding out what happened to her, well, we would just say a 'mental breakdown', but that didn't even come close to what happened. The fact that she had chosen to become what he once was did not help matters either. In fact, it made it even worse, so much, that it took several tries to snap him out of his temporary insanity. However, once he regained sanity, he requested that he become a spirit crow to guide her.

Despite many objections, (mainly over him returning in a different form since he had already successfully completed his mission for revenge years ago) this request was granted, under one condition: That she not know who he really is until she herself had successfully completed her own mission.

Many years went by since her own failed attempt at revenge. For this reason, guiding this woman successfully to the right paths was vital for any chance for her to rest in peace again.

The woman had decided that it was time for a little break before resuming her rampage. After a little hiding, she grabbed Zen and gestured for the crow to follow her as well.

She sat on the seat of Ghost Rider, revved up and rode away on a temporary detour. To be honest, she was reluctant to visit that place. For many reasons, she felt too dirty and tainted to visit that place, with all the bad stuff she did, even though the long dead former occupants, her friends and parent figures, would probably understand that she was too scared for her life to leave earlier. How they probably would have reacted for real was overshadowed by what her anxiety might have thought they would have reacted.

Before she thought about it any further, she reached her intended destination. The large victorian-esque mansionlike building still stood tall. However, it was marred by years and years of disarray and decay. The only vandalism among the structure was a little graffiti and she knew why. Even though she and her late cop friend had made up a plausible, but fake story, made official, the truth had still slipped through the cracks. True, most people (Thinking of Damian) would brush it off as a Halloween ghost superstition, but if they were in her shoes, they would know it was indeed, fact. But, with urban legend came exaggerated stories. A lot of criminals, even the most skeptical and vile ones, would absolutely refuse to set foot in the place for fear he still occupied it and would kill them on sight. Some would say they heard footsteps and that was enough to scare them away.

A little silly, she thought, but at least it was for the most part, untouched. Once she walked at the entrance, it was unboarded and vulnerable.

So no one even bothered to barricade it back up. The woman thought. She semi hoped that it would be, mostly to take longer, but then again, the last time she visited the place as a young girl, the few boards that were on there she could easily take off. It was like they didn't even try. She took a deep breath before attempting to enter the hall. Even then, reluctance and anxiety still had an iron grip on her.

I know what you're thinking. It's alright. We-I mean, they will understand. The crow flew out of nowhere and landed on the woman's shoulder. He bunted his face beside hers, as if to demonstrate comforting. Because of that, her anxiety was replaced by a burning sadness that threatened to erupt into tears. In spite of this, she managed to fight back the urge to cry as she walked up the rickety steps. One stair gave out under her foot and she almost fell through, that even the crow himself was startled, but she managed to pick herself back up and continued to walk up the stairs.

Once she was at the top story, reluctance and fear once again gripped her, but for different reasons. She suddenly remembered her psychometric abilities and how she can regain and attain new memories, and seeing how her friends were murdered in that very place, she was concerned that she would absorb those memories herself. Her own assault and murder as well as that of her girlfriends' was bad enough, to experience that night from their point of view was the last thing she needed.

It's alright princess, go on. The crow encouraged.

Not long after setting foot in the derelict loft, the memories came back, both good and bad. As she looked upon the inward structure, she had seen the erosion of time marring it. The paint and wall paper had either peeled or chipped off. Dust and cobwebs covered the furniture that was still in place after all these years, especially the vanity. The broken mirror on it had most of its looking glass shards missing and the few drawers that remained were bereft of anything. The fireplace had seen better days. The floors creaked under pressure with every step, but did not break. Not yet, at least. The band posters depicting five young men had been faded and crinkled that they looked brittle to the touch. But what caught her attention the most was the circular window. It had been shattered that night, but now, it looked there was no glass left on the broken pane.

The woman idled for what seemed to be a long time, until she heard footsteps. She was on high alert, thinking it was a criminal or vagrant, or maybe even a curious person. A shadow had emerged, but it was too short to be an adult. The little person, albeit reluctantly, emerged from the shadows. It was a little girl, not much older than she herself was when she was young. Her choice of clothing and jewelry was not much different from her own as a youth. Her hair was dark, probably dark brown or black, but it was mid length and shaggy, with red streaking through the front.

Silence was thick between the two females. At least until the child girl spoke out.

"My name' Dusty. D, U, S, T, Y, wha' your?" The little girl said, drool escaping her mouth.

The woman could easily tell that the girl needed special help, more help than what she could possibly offer. Though, to answer the name question, she was unsure of what name to give. Her gang name? She was no longer one of them, and she didn't want to intimidate the girl, her real name? It still felt foreign and far away from her. Should she call herself the Crow? It was kind of vague.

"..." Nothing would come out of the woman's mouth.

"You loo' pre'ey." The girl, named Dusty said, changing the subject.

The woman cracked a smile. "Thanks."

"I li'e your ma'up. I wish' I knew how t'wear my face lik'at." Dusty also said.

The woman smiled. "Where's your mama? Or your daddy? or whoever takes care of you?"

Dusty's brown eyes welled up with tears. "She' gone an' ne'er com' back. Mea' man threw m'out in th'stree', so I liv'ere."

Heartache gripped the woman. What Dusty went through, that was similar to her own childhood. She never knew what happened to her own mother or unborn baby sister, and Damian would never give her the satisfaction of telling her anything... That little girl deserved much better than this, as welcoming as this place used to be, it was no longer a safe place for anyone, much less a disabled kid.

The next time I run into Dalle, I'm telling her about this. She thought.

"Caw!" The crow said, interrupting her thoughts.

"Bir'y!" Dusty exclaimed, pointing to the crow.

The crow flew downwards in front of the girl and did a curtsy like bow at her, which Dusty giggled at. He then walked over to get a stray saucer, once he had it, he walked over to one of the left arch beams which led to the broken window. He placed the saucer on the beam and propped himself on it. As the saucer slid down, so did he. On the steps to the window, he rolled around on the floor, and both Dusty and the woman laughed at his funny antics when he started dancing around. Finally, he flew onto Dusty's shoulder. She lifted her arm, and he perched himself on her forearm. He reached his beak out, and "kissed" the young girl on the nose. He bunted his head against hers and flew back to the woman.

She reminds me of you. The crow said to the woman.

"Meow!" Zen the black cat managed to climb up the steps and find her way in the room.

"Ki''ie!" Dusty said, pointing to the cat.

"Yes, kitty." The woman said. "Would you like to have her?"

Dusty shook her head happily.

"Her name is Zen, but if you wanna name her something else, you are more than welcome to. Also, I have something else for you, if you want it. It used to belong to me when I was your age, but I have no more need for it anymore." The woman reached into her duffel bag and pulled out the skateboard.

"'For me?" Dusty asked.

"For you." The woman answered.

Dusty ran up and hugged the woman.

"Th'ank you, ma'am. Wi' I be ab'e to 'ee you a'ain?" Dusty asked.

"Yes, and you will have a home of your own, I promise." The woman answered, kneeling to dusty's level and wiping the drool from her face.

Dusty gave the woman a kiss on the cheek, and hugged her again.

"Lo' you!" She said.

"Love you too." The woman said with deep sadness as she left the room.

Once she exited, tears flowed out of her eyes, she sat down on the floor and sobbed. The Woman in Black walked up the stairs to sit down with her and hugged her too.

It's alright, darling.

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