#and then drive myself back home and go to the airport for tokyo and accept that i’m gonna fall behind a week on school

[goldensunset]

aarraRRFHGHGGHHRAAAAAGHHGGGGGG

[scoriol]

today i found myself thinking about you. it’s weird because i almost never think about you unless i’m making fun of you or telling people how stupid our relationship was. i think i’ve mastered the art of trivialising my feelings and turning everything into a joke. you hurt me and over the 3 years of our relationship you pushed me to a point of insanity i didn’t know i was capable of reaching. 

i’m sorry i made you feel like you were never good enough for me. everyone tells me i settled (even your friends) and i know that on a superficial level, i did. i never told you this and i don’t want you to ever know but as much as you broke me, you saved me. i never needed saving or at least i’ll never admit that i did but november of 2018 was one of the worst times of my life. i always doubted how much you loved me because of your inability to stay loyal but you forgiving me after nikhil considering what you’d been through was one of the most selfless things you’ve done for me. you knew i couldn’t be alone during that period of time and even though you tried leaving me when i was in japan, you came right back for me the day i landed back home. you always said you did it because i bought you a box of tokyo banana but we both know it’s because you couldn’t bear to watch me suffer in silence. 

i always tell people i fell out of love with you but honestly that isn’t true. i tend to erase and alter all the painful memories but today for the first time i actually remember how much i truly loved you. i’ve done such a good job at convincing myself i didn’t to the point where i actually forgot i broke the fuck down when i got onto my plane for the UK. we had the most anti-climatic/non-dramatic goodbye at the airport but that’s because 1. i had no idea you were hurting too and 2. i convinced myself i wanted to be away from you. i remember sitting in my seat and sending you a text that went something along the lines of “hahaha we’re finally broken up, we can finally be besties now! love you forever.” i have no idea what came over me but the second i sent that text, i started sobbing my eyes out (the air stewardess was actually so confused). i couldn’t bring myself to get with anyone in the UK and 7 weeks later you flew there to see me. i still remember us arguing 15 minutes before we were supposed to meet because my battery was dying and i had no idea where you were. i was so annoyed and i had half my mind to leave euston train station but when i saw you and hugged you, i forgot how much i wanted to kill you and remembered how much i loved you. that weekend we got back together and i told maya. she told me you had a heart to heart conversation at the airport and told her how you’d been crying almost every night for the 2 weeks prior to me leaving. you said you acted like you didn’t care but it was only because you didn’t want me to know how much you didn’t want me to go especially since you knew how excited i was to leave. i felt the same way and i wish we both just told each other how much we loved each other instead of pretending like we didn’t. i guess in a way us trying to be strong for each other was more indicative of how much we loved each other, and more importantly how we loved each other.

you were my boring tuesday afternoons, my sunday brunches, my late night car drives around this city, my best naps, my hypeman when i had my taylor swift concerts and my back up at family events (my mum actually loves you idk how you did it). you did feel like a best friend to me because you were great to chat shit with-- we always had these secret codes to communicate in a room full of people and i could tell you all my secrets. i remember the day i told you about my issues/past, i was terrified. i even started the call saying “i completely understand if you realise you cannot be with me after i tell you all this” but you handled it so well. you listened to it all and i could tell you felt all the pain i was feeling too. at the end of it all there was a minute long silence and you finally said “i’m sorry you had to go through all of that but you’re very strong and i admire you and love you so much.” 

our relationship was far from perfect but it was built on a lot of acceptance and forgiveness. i know we both loved each other but we loved each other in the worst way possible. we loved each other to the point where we hated each other and honestly i don’t blame you. i made many many sacrifices and compromises for you but the one thing i’ve learned is that you cannot make sacrifices for people in hopes of getting something in return. yes, i deserved better but i’m not entitled to anything and i’ve learned that now. i held a grudge against you because you didn’t live up to expectations you didn’t even know i had and i made you feel like shit, and i’m sorry. i thought i learned this from being with you but i think i may have made the same mistake again. 

this is the first time i’m properly sitting down and reflecting so here’s a promise from me to me: i’m going to love selflessly from now on. i’m going to love with more kindness and compassion. when i’m happy and grateful, i’m going to tell them and i’m going to stop being so fucking scared. i’m going to open up my heart more, while maintaining the standards and expectations i have for guys so i don’t get treated like shit, and i will allow more light and love into my life. thank you for teaching me this and hand on heart, i’m so happy you found who i honestly think is the love of your life. 

[captainfate]

Quarantine Tag Game!

I feel like I haven’t done an original post/non-reblog in forever.

Tagged by @thejumpingrice

ARE YOU STAYING HOME FROM WORK/SCHOOL? Yup. My employer mandated a work from home policy from 16 March and besides a meeting at the office on the 17th, I’ve been working at home since. Whew. The good thing is that in my line of work, working from home isn’t that much more different than working on site, besides not being able to chase clients up (physically) to provide documents... and feeling like you’re working in a call centre instead.

IF YOU’RE STAYING HOME, WHO IS THERE WITH YOU? I have a housemate. And my subconscious...

ARE YOU A HOMEBODY? Very much so, and this whole shelter in place thing is making things worse. I go out to do things alone all the time, occasionally involving a few friends along the way, and I’d usually force myself to step out of my apartment to do something other than spend a lot of time in front of my computer, except now I shouldn’t be going out unless it’s “essential movement” and... oops.

I’ve got a couple of things planned for this weekend that will take me out of the apartment (and safely distanced from people) so that’ll be good.

AN EVENT THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT GOT CANCELLED? I know the question basically asks for one thing but I would like to whine about 2.

Earlier in March, I actually talked myself into going for a concert by The National, which was supposed to happen on March 17. When dates for the gigs originally came out I was all “Eeeehhh do I really listen to The National that much to want to spend ~$80 on a gig of theirs?” but the answer turned out to be “YES, I WOULD LIKE TO GO”. I was going to go alone, by the way. And then Australian government restrictions came in and the gig got postponed to a date I wouldn’t be able to make, alas.

I was also meant to travel to Japan with a friend at the end of May - we had everything planned and booked, it was very much going to be a Treat Yourself holiday for the both of us, complete with an epic road trip, actual kaiseki meals and lots of mountains... Let’s just say I’m thankful for having the foresight of booking things with free cancellation.

(See also: Tokyo 2020 Olympics)

WHAT MOVIES HAVE YOU WATCHED RECENTLY? A lot of the movies I’ve watched recently stemmed from one movie I watched almost exactly a month ago... Portrait of a Lady on Fire. It blew my mind and I’m still reeling from it and there’s so many layers to the little movie onion that I’d love to peel but haven’t had the time to because work has been absolutely crazy (what a time to specialize in the healthcare industry, eh?) but now that I’m going to have lots of days off over the next couple of months, the time spent peeling the Portrait onion will be then.

Since Portrait, I’ve watched La Fille Inconnue/The Unknown Girl, L'Apollonide: Souvenirs de la maison close/House of Pleasures, Les Combattants/Love at First Fight (what do you mean THERE IS A PATTERN?) and finally caught up with Just Mercy and Seberg.

WHAT SHOWS ARE YOU WATCHING? I recently started rewatching Castle. Currently watching Brooklyn 99, and Schitt’s Creek just ended. Series I recently picked up that had their seasons already end but I plan to continue watching when they return: Stumptown, Awkwafina is Nora from Queens.

WHAT MUSIC ARE YOU LISTENING TO? A random assortment of music from my Spotify Discovery Weekly playlists, and songs that have turned up on Giri/Haji (that show is WILD).

WHAT ARE YOU READING? I wish I had a more enriching answer, but my reading time has been spent on various interpretations of International Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (how riveting) and a bunch of technical accounting methodology things, for work reasons.

I’ve started (and put down, but intend to continue/finish when I have the time to) Truman Capote’s “In Cold Blood”, and I’ve got a copy of Murasaki’s “The Tale of Genji” (my friend and I went to the Genji Museum in Uji back to 2017 and sat through this video summary of what the Classic is about, and we are Still Confused. So I bought the book to wrap my head around it, it’s gonna be fun).

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR SELF-CARE? Nothing...

Kidding. I’ve tried (Keyword: try) setting work/home boundaries, purely because I’m a semi-workaholic to begin with and I spend a lot of time on my PC outside of work hours

Weekend grocery shopping is my go-to me time outside of the apartment these days, and although all the farmer’s markets are closed (I NEED MY FRESH FISH, FRUITS AND VEGETABLES SEND HELP), there’s a mall a short drive away that has all the options (I’m already bored of my local supermarket). I also try to head up to the roof of my building once in a while because it actually overlooks the airport and I love planes so I just like staring at them once in a while, especially since there  aren’t as many flying overhead these days.

I try to stick to my usual night time routine - do a bit of writing or doodling and news-reading before lying in bed and doing a couple of Sudoku puzzles then sleeping. And I make sure I try to get at least 6 hours of sleep each night. It’s easier now without the need to commute to work, but it’s also hard to motivate myself to get out of bed sometimes.

That said, I’ve got a lot of days of annual leave over the next couple of months, which means a lot of long weekends before a nice long break, and I have a to-do list of hobbies I’d like to indulge in during that time so I’m looking forward to it.

Tagging... no one in particular but feel free to take this tag meme if you like!

[agirlinjapan]

Red Data Girl: My Wish on the Night of the Shooting Stars (Week 29)

Red Data Girl: My Wish on the Night of the Shooting Stars By Noriko Ogiwara A Translation

Miss the last piece? Read it here!

Check out the RDG Translation twitter!

Help me pay for my next translation project on Ko-fi.

The excitement continues! Enjoy this week’s RDG!

Red Data Girl: My Wish on the Night of the Shooting Stars By Noriko Ogiwara Chapter 4: Mizuho Part 2 (1 of 4)

Izumiko instantly went pale.

“Is she badly injured?”

All Mizuho said was, “I can’t say anything.” Even that came out stiffly. “However, we should get there as quickly as possible. My car is waiting, so get your coat. You can’t say anything to your roommate though.”

“We were just leaving to go to a party at a friend’s house…” Izumiko said, her voice shaking.

“Then tell your roommate that you have to make a stop on the way. You don’t want to worry your friends, do you?”

Izumiko nodded and went back up to her room. Trying in vain to act normally, she pushed the door open.

“I’m sorry, Mayura. I know it’s time to go, but I was wondering if you could meet me at the party? I’ve got an errand to run first, just like Sagara.”

Mayura listened to Izumiko’s words and then her eyes went wide. “But it’s in Minato-ku. Will you be able to get there on your own?”

“I’ll be alright. Dr. Nakayama said she’d bring me.” It was difficult to keep up her stiff smile as she spoke.

Izumiko avoided Mayura’s gaze as she grabbed her black coat and her little bag, and then rushed out of the room.

The black taxi Mizuho had come in was stopped in the parking lot outside of the school’s main gate. Izumiko tumbled into the backseat. The driver must have already known their destination because he pulled away without saying a word. Even after the car had been on the road for a few minutes, Izumiko still felt like she was in a bad dream. All of this was happening so quickly and she had no idea what was going on. The whole world had turned on its head.

What’s happening?...  

It felt like the sheltered world she lived in had been dealt a hard blow. She had been worrying over nothing before this. It was as if she realized at that moment that up until now, she had been living a life with her eyes closed.

Mom’s job is something unusual. It seems dangerous. I’ve always known that. But I’ve been pretending not to know that or to see it. Now something’s finally happened. It’s not like it’s unexpected. I really should have known something like this would happen…

“What kind of injury is it?” Izumiko asked Mizuho who was sitting quietly besides her. “What happened? How much danger was Mom in?”

“Shh,” Mizuho warned quietly. She seemed worried about the taxi driver listening in. “I’ll tell you more when we get there. We can’t really talk here.”

“How long will it take us to get there?”

“If we don’t have too much trouble with traffic, it should take about an hour and a half.”

Izumiko bit her lip and gazed out the window. Why did she want to scream from the bottom of her heart on Christmas Eve? Tonight was supposed to be a time for everyone to gather together and have fun while eating delicious food and yet, it felt like the inside of the car was cut off from all of that and in a completely different world. She had gotten all dressed up for a party, but now she felt like she was on a fool’s errand she knew nothing about.

At this rate, if I don’t get to the party, Mayura and the others will worry about me like they did last time I disappeared. I wonder where Miyuki is right now…

“Is it okay if I send a text? Can I at least tell Miyuki about Mom?”

Izumiko pulled her cellphone out of her bag, but Mizuho said quickly, “There’s no need to do that. Yukimasa has already told him what’s going on.”

“Huh? Mr. Sagara? Isn’t he in the US?...”

“He’s on his way back right now. His job is to jump from one thing to another.”

“Um, does Dad know about what happened?”

“Of course.”

After a moment, Mizuho added coolly, “Don’t use your phone. Why do you think I came all the way out to your school without calling or sending you a text first? You have dangerous people around you on that campus. Your roommate is one of them.”

Izumiko stared at Mizuho, her eyes wide.

“Why Mayura?”

“You may not know, but whenever Mayura and Manatsu Souda go anywhere, without a doubt, they have people following them in the shadows to protect them. There are people doing the same within the student body as well. That’s useful in the way that when you do anything with them, you too have powerful bodyguards, but it also means that it’s difficult to keep secrets around them and that’s troublesome.”

Izumiko thought of Yoshiki Hayakawa and knew that there was truth in Mizuho’s words. Having people like him around would be a plus for a smart girl like Mayura—information could probably be passed quickly to her that way.

“So you mean you don’t want the people in Togakushi to know about Mom?...”

“We’ll talk when we get out of the car.”

******

The taxi drove down the city’s main thoroughfare, the grey of the road and the grey of the median continuing on and on.

All Izumiko wished for was that they could arrive at their destination quickly, but that only added to the pressure of the situation, and she didn’t bother to read the names of the exits they passed. No matter where they were going, Izumiko wouldn’t know where they were, so even if she did read the names, they would mean nothing to her. As she was in an area she wasn’t familiar with, she couldn’t even keep track of the distance they had driven. Besides, everything looked the same on this city highway.

They turned onto an expressway, but Izumiko knew they’d be back on the regular highway sooner or later. Still, she had no idea what direction they were going in and she still didn’t know their destination. Even so, Izumiko began to notice little by little that the white signs flashing by them were starting to say Yokohama. She came to a realization.

Yokohama isn’t in Tokyo Prefecture. It’s in Kanagawa Prefecture. That means we’re not going into the middle of Tokyo. We’re going south.  

The highway brought them through a tunnel. When they came out, the city signs they drove past were for Yokohama Park. The highway scenery had also been replaced by a large town full of tall buildings. The buildings weren’t as tall as they’d be once they got into the heart of Yokohama though. The taxi drove down a tree lined road that, according to the signs, would take them to the prefectural building. Then they took a right turn at a traffic light and stopped.

Izumiko got out of the taxi. She looked around, but she couldn’t spot anything that looked like a hospital.

Mizuho paid the driver and got out of the taxi. Something about the current situation frustrated Izumiko and she asked sharply, “Which hospital are we going to?”

Mizuho watched the taxi drive away, straightening the cuffs of her jacket. Then she said suddenly, her voice full of emotion, “I am so sorry, Izumiko. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this up to you. When I told you that Yukariko was hurt, it was actually a lie.”

Izumiko opened her mouth. Finding that she couldn’t make any words come out, she stood there for a moment instead. The world before her eyes seemed to be flickering around her.

“…a lie?”

“I know it was a terrible thing to do. In order to bring you here in absolute secrecy though, it was necessary to confuse you. We had no intentions of letting you go to Angelica Bernard’s party at her home.”

Mizuho’s voice had taken on the confident tone of a doctor. She might have been sharing a difficult truth, but her words were exceptionally calm. Izumiko continued to stare at her, unsure whether to be relieved or upset.

“Why?”

“Because the Bernard family would like to take you from us as a research specimen.”

A research specimen?...  

After a moment, Izumiko felt like she was starting to figure out what was going on. Even so, it still hurt badly that Mizuho had lied to her.

“This is too much. You lied to me and then took me all the way out here all of a sudden. You’re treating me like a little kid who doesn’t understand anything.”

Mizuho nodded her acceptance of this and said soothingly, “It was wrong of me. That’s why I’m apologizing. At some point, Houjou Academy somehow became a place where either everyone was being monitored or there was no way to see what was really going on inside.”      

“Then if Mom isn’t hurt, why are we here?”

“We’re working to expose what’s going on inside the school,” Mizuho answered in a deliberately calm voice. “This also happens to be the reason why we never told you anything before this. It’s also the reason why I’m the one who was sent to get you even though I’ve never revealed myself as part of this group before. Up until recently though, I couldn’t make it to Houjou Academy. It would have been suspicious for me to move too quickly.”

The energy Mizuho was giving off made her feel more like a man than a woman—not unlike Yukariko. Izumiko recalled that Mizuho had been a close friend of Yukariko’s during college. Some of Yukariko must have rubbed off on her then. Some of Izumiko’s anger slowly began to calm.

“But why did you bring me all the way to Yokohama?”

“Because we’re getting on a boat.”

“A boat?”

Mizuho’s tone suddenly changed. “Izumiko, you’re going to get on boat to Hong Kong with me. From that boat, we’ll take a plane to the U.S. Your father is there, dealing with a number of situations. We’ll be going to him.”

Izumiko stared at her. “Why… are we taking a plane from Hong Kong?”

“If we go through an airport in Japan, it would be easy for someone to trace our flight information. We need something to throw people off our trail. There aren’t any passenger boats that leave from Yokohama’s Osanbashi Pier, so it’ll be a good smokescreen. Even though we’re going to Hong Kong, it’ll still take a night to get there. There’s a comfortable ship leaving this evening. We can take that.”

Izumiko winced at the words Mizuho was telling her so candidly. Leaving country like this sounded far too sudden.

“But I didn’t pack anything. I don’t have an overnight bag… I don’t even have a passport with me.”

“We can easily prepare a passport for you,” Mizuho said. From her voice, this did not seem to be a surprising problem for her. “The ascetic monk organization is good at turning out items like that. Yukimasa Sagara alone has made more ID cards and passports than you can probably imagine.”

“What? Is that really true?”

Izumiko took a deep breath thinking it actually did sound likely. No matter how she had thought about it, it had always been suspicious that Yukimasa had a teacher’s certification as well as a nurse’s license.

As Izumiko stood there, bewildered, Mizuho continued on objectively. “Being flawlessly talented at whatever he does is just another part of what makes Yukimasa who he is. No one can match him when it comes to pretending to be a professional in any field he chooses. He has a rare gift.”

“…Oh.”

When Izumiko, who was feeling very overwhelmed, didn’t respond further, Mizuho leaned forward and looked into her eyes.

“Do you understand a little more of what’s going on now? If you still don’t trust what we’re doing enough to get on the boat to Hong Kong, you can talk to Daisei. We’ve gone far enough, so using a phone should be alright. Do you want to talk to him?”

Izumiko nodded, and Mizuho pulled a cellphone out of her coat pocket. She typed a number on the touch screen which she was clearly familiar with entering. As if distancing herself from the sounds of the cars on the big road, Mizuho turned her back and took a few steps away. Then she said something in quick English to the person on the other side of the line. She had gotten in contact with someone in California.

Izumiko watched silently. After a minute, Mizuho turned back to her, the phone still pressed against her ear. She smiled and walked back, the heels of her shoes making a clicking noise as she returned.

“It’s Daisei.”

Izumiko, still only half believing this, pressed the phone against her own ear.

“Um, hello.”

”It’s me. Did you hear everything? Everything Mizuho’s told you is correct. I’ll come pick you up at the airport, okay?”

“Dad, this is all happening out of nowhere. I…”

“That’s very true. I’ll be there for sure. Wait for me.”

Izumiko wanted to speak more, but Daisei hurriedly hung up. Without thinking, Izumiko glanced down at the time display on the phone. There was a seven-hour time difference between Japan and California. Doing the math, she found that it was early night there; ten o’clock. Daisei often went to bed after the sun had come up so he was probably still working.

“Did he hang up already? He’s always been a fidgety person,” Mizuho said, trying to comfort her.

With a long face, Izumiko handed the phone back.

“We’re not getting on the boat right now,” Mizuhol continued. “We’ll wait until you’re feeling calm again. This is the first time you’ve seen the harbor, right? Miyuki should be arriving here, too.”

Izumiko looked up quickly. For the first time since Mizuho had arrived at the dorm, her spirits lifted somewhat.

“Miyuki’s coming with us too?”

“Oh, I guess I didn’t say that. He should already be here.”

What is this?...

“Then can I call him too?” Izumiko asked, her voice instantly cheerful again. “Or I could text him.”

“You can’t do that yet. There’s still a high chance that he may still be being followed. He’ll find us once he knows he’s lost them. There’s no need for you to worry though. Yukimasa will take care of it.”

Izumiko was able to nod her head. This must have been why Miyuki had left before them on a sudden errand. Finally, she allowed herself to relax. While the idea of getting on a boat to Hong Kong only made her recoil, she felt better about it than she had before.

…If I was worried about Miyuki going abroad, at least I’m going with him now. Wait. Why didn’t I think of that before?...

Noticing the trouble fall away from Izumiko’s expression, Mizuho grew relieved.

“You didn’t get to go to the Christmas party, so I want to make it up to you. We’ll go have Christmas dinner at a nearby hotel. It’s still early for dinner though, so let’s go get some tea and cake. Or we could get dim sum in China Town.”

Keep reading!

[searchingformaria]

Missed the Mark

On the 7th I went on my first date ever. I met him on tinder and I was super surprised that he liked me back. He looked cute in his pictures. We exchanged numbers and started texting each other. I thought he was a nice guy. He thought I was funny, which I love, and said we should meet. I was scared of meeting him but I thought, “just try for once, Maria!” So I agreed. He contacted me later in the week to let me know when he would be available. Friday, February 7, 2020. We ended up agreeing to meet at his house and then we’d Uber somewhere for drinks. I was excited and scared but mostly excited. On his tinder profile he said he lived in Santa Monica. I thought he probably had some cozy apartment close to the beach. He text me his address and I freaked out a bit but then told myself he's a human being and you shouldn’t judge a person because of where he lives. Maybe he’s not a rich dick? The drive to his house was very nice. Peaceful. It was dark. No traffic. Winding up Sunset with the cool beach air flowing through my hair was calming. It reminded me of when I’d take the family to Zuma. Those are some of my favorite memories. His house is cute. Lots of lights in front. Felt like I was being guided by airport lights. I walked to the door and knocked. He answered the door. When I saw his face I thought, “Wow! He is more attractive than in his pictures and his smile is everything!” We greeted and hugged each other. I made sure I was sitting close to the front door, just in case. I wanted to get comfortable but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he thought I was hideous and that made a plan in his head to talk to me for half an hour then tell me good bye and never talk to me again. “I’m too ugly and gay for him,” I thought. I tried to focus on other things. His house was very pretty on the inside. Simple. I liked it a lot. That was a main reason why I swiped right on him. His pictures were of him comfortable and happy, not showing off, just being himself. Some of the pictures, I would learn that night, were of him and his mother. A beautiful lady. Where his looks must’ve come from. The fireplace was gorgeous. The fire hypnotic. I couldn’t stop staring at it. Swirling free but in a confined, safe space. How I wish I was. We talked a lot. He offered me a drink and I politely declined. I had taken a water bottle with me in case I got thirsty. Better safe than sorry. Did I mention we talked a lot? It was better than I could have imagined. I ended up trying some whiskey he got in Tokyo. It was different in a very good way. He “made” dip. It tasted really good for it having been warmed up, store bought stuff. He made me a margarita with all sorts of flavors. It was delicious and refreshing. I welcomed the cool liquid. I felt extremely comfortable with him. I told him things I’d just recently felt comfortable telling friends of had for years. We had a pretty deep conversation. I was becoming more attracted to him the more we talked. He asked me if it was okay for him to sit next to me. I said, “yes.” He got up dat next to me and touched my hand. I felt safe with him touching me, it was frightening. He kissed me. It had been about five years since someone touched or kissed me. I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt a bit awkward. Did I forget how to kiss? His lips were so soft, supple. He tasted of sweetness and kindness. Is this really happening? Does he really find me attractive or does he just want me for sex like all the other guys I’ve been with? Whatever it was, I welcomed it. Wanted it. Needed it. He guided my hand to his lap. I felt he was aroused. “What?” I asked. “Take it as a compliment,” he whispered as he continued kissing me. I couldn’t believe it. How hard he was. I didn’t want to stop touching him. He got up and left. I thought maybe he was going to jack himself off so he’d relax. My gaze didn’t leave the fireplace. The fire was dancing. Twirling up, down and side to side. It was showing me how I was feeling at that moment, on the inside. He came back and took my hand. He guided me to a bedroom. Is this his room? He sat me down and began untying the laces of my boots. He pulled my pants off. He was gentle. He kissed my warmth and it was exhilarating. “Oh, wow, he’s fucking good!” The best. I felt like I was making love to him. All I could think of was him. Hope he felt. The rhythm of his breathing. His soft, gentle moans. It felt like he cared about me. To me it wasn’t just sex. I desired to be one with this beautiful human being, and I was. He had his arm under my head as we lay on his bed afterward. No one had ever done that with me. I felt happy. This felt right. I kept asking him if he wanted me to leave and he told me to wait. He still had time before he needed to go to bed. We talked some more. I caressed him and let my fingers travel across his body. I honestly had never felt the way I felt with him. He walked me out, kissed me and said he’d like to see me again if it was alright with me. I said yes and left. I couldn’t stop smiling all the way home. Bang! It hit me. All the negative thoughts about myself. I’m too fat. I’m too ugly. I’m too old. He’s too good for me. He text me the next day check in and I damn near yelped. Why didn’t I just let myself accept the happiness I was feeling? I immediately started preparing myself for rejection. Maybe if I act needy he’ll realize the mistake he made with such an ugly person? He was always kind and sweet. I knew he’d eventually come to his senses and drop me like brick. I’d only met him once and was already playing out our “relationship” in my mind. I ended up letting him know I suffer from mental illness... through a text. I am comfortable being rejected. Who would want damaged goods? I’m not good enough for anyone. I don’t deserve happiness or love. I am a broken, hopeless, empty shell of a human. I love deeply but I don’t think anyone could love me back. I love to give and am extremely uncomfortable receiving. I really fucked this up. I didn’t give him a chance to decide for himself if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me. I’ve been crying for days just knowing he would have rejected me sooner or later. I gave him what he needed to make the decision I had already made for him. Today is February 29, 2020. I know I barely know him but I miss him. I miss Mark.

[nehslebasi]

2016, in pictures and text

This is going to be a very long post. A very very long post. A very very very long post. 

I’m thankful this year happened. All the tears, laughs, travels, anxiety, everything. Hoping 2016 will shape me (positively) into who I’m meant to become in the future - 2017 and beyond.

January 2016

I honestly don’t remember anything I did this month lol. I was still consistently running. Outings with Crew. Outings with my (then) 8th grade girls. Visited Lighthouse in Torrance. All I have are good, if not neutral, feelings of this month.

February 2016

Let’s just say it turned out to be the worst month of this year, and I’ll never stop missing her and wondering how different this year would have been if she were still here. So what do you do? Drink it away with your friends on Valentine’s. Go to the beach. Play board games. Go to Zinc cafe and drink Blue Bottle. Pretend you’re fine until you’re fine.

March 2016

Clara’s birthday at Bestia, where we ran into one of our Sunday school kids, asked if we wanted to take shots through lamb bone marrow lol. The setting sun and deepening pink sky behind the LA skyline as we coasted by on the freeway. Driving down to Playa Del Rey and squeezing through their narrow lanes to an ADX alumni reunion by the beach. Jack Garratt concert with Jacky, losing myself in sound. A day of exhilaration and pressuring my friends to ride roller coasters at Knott’s, and pretty much failing at that haha. 

April 2016

Coffee dates/study parties at Arts District. OC sushi and sake, where our waiter gave us complimentary sake and ice cream! Weekly Sunday lunches in Pasadena, always wearing a summery dress, always getting acai bowls. Multiple beach trips. Brunch at Perch with APR. Noah Gundersen at Hotel Cafe, where he answered a question I asked! Visited my sister’s work at Scripps even though I was dead-ass sick. And probably the #1 favorite concert I’ve ever been to, FOREVER, so much that I’m going to find them again every time they’re near me. Hullo Shadowboxers, hullo Hotel Cafe.

May 2016

Ran a half-marathon! (And couldn’t walk for days afterward) Turned 23. Treated to brunch at Republique and gifted a beautiful stick-figure drawing of us. Took a million jumping pictures by a fabric warehouse. Caught strep throat and a disgusting case of conjunctivitis. Election anxiety kicking in. Started taking this “applying to PA school” thing seriously. 

June 2016

Took a break from running (read: got lazy). Upset that the Cavaliers won. In the library or coffee shop every weekend to work on PA school apps and write my personal statement. (Shout out to Bean Town, Nest Teahouse). A Koreatown night market, lots of smoke, lots of food, lots of red lipstick. Drove to San Diego for a large-scale sleepover/reunion (and screenshotted the pictures lol)! Oscar’s fish tacos, a rooftop bar, a Werewolf bar, more ramen and pork belly than we could stomach... 

July 2017

One of my favorite, if not most stressful, months of 2016. Submitted my completed grad school application. Sushi and drinks with Angie in Pasadena. Sparklers and pyro activities at Jacky’s on the fourth. Roller-bladed by the sea with Bri from Santa Monica down to Venice, drank our way into a happy sunset buzz at a rooftop bar by the Pier, and rode the warm smooth buzz all the way back to USC on the Expo Line. Watched HP 1 with a live orchestra playing the score at the Hollywood Bowl. Ice cream and boy-stories in South Pas. Viv’s birthday right in our home turf. Started volunteering at my city’s hospital ER. Relient K released a new album. Started going to community group with Reality LA. Discussing political issues every Sunday with my friends, because I’m surrounding by men and women who care about them. Such a wonderful month :)

August 2016

Pizza and catch-ups at Old Town Pas, spilling about relationships with old friends. Exploring Santa Monica and walking for miles with the Crew in a looooong scavenger hunt that we have yet to complete! Frank Ocean drops his albums and changes my life, again. Oliver Sacks dies and I’m heartbroken. Drove through the winding Palos Verdes for a friend’s birthday. Crush on every young Murse. A wedding in San Diego, feeling regal in a borrowed navy dress and tall heels, a little too much to drink, as per usual haha.

September 2016

Crashed summer retreat at UCSD, ate too many tacos, more Tacos El Gordo, ate too much pho, just too much of everything in general lol. Crossed that rickety bridge. Binge watch Atlanta and Stranger Things. Start prepping for PA school interviews. Fly to New York for an interview at Cornell. Drag my little blue suitcase everywhere with me. It’s pouring rain the first day. Meet with Yenmin to eat Halal Guys, and Jaimie for udon and gelato. Navigating the city at night and running to catch the trains and buses. A couple nights in Jaimie’s beautiful apartment in Manhattan five stories up from the sidewalk, a brisk morning in my mom’s borrowed heels, a vegetable cream cheese bagel and coffee, a stressful interview at an ivy league, bleeding raw feet the whole day till I just had to give up and take them off. Walk through Central Park, the Met, coffee shops wearing Walgreens roll-up flats and business formal for 15+ miles till I can feel my feet bruising and my hair frizzing. Pizza and drinks with Jackie and Joyce in Soho. Little Italy’s night market. Frank Ocean, and a NY Times to and fro from NY--a beautiful city I won’t forget. JR JR/Saint Motel concert with Jess the night I land back in LA. Watched an ER patient get lungs drained, car dies in the hospital parking lot at midnight. Oh Wonder, Kevin Garrett concert with Feebs. Another memorable month :)

October 2016

Lightbulb/Third wheel dates with Clara and Justin begin (ok, unofficially in September, but officially in October)! Get a hit list of things to do in Chicago from ER guy. Fly to Chicago for an interview at Northwestern. Get picked up by Angie and drive toward her apartment in the city, become captivated by the skyline and sky. Eat my first Chicago dog. Absolutely enthralled by her cat Wrigley (and am now a cat person as a result). Venture out to Navy Pier and get caught in the pouring, storming rain. Deep dish at Giordano’s. Coffee and croissant before the interview, become attached to the program, would do ANYTHING to be accepted. Tacos at Del Seoul, some rain, Big Hero Six in pajamas as the wind blows and sun sets. Traverse through The Loop, see the Bean, the river, eat brunch/pancakes/everything, inspired by the running people preparing for the Chicago Marathon, in awe at the peace and clean grandeur of this place. It was difficult to leave. Cried after the second presidential debate because I couldn’t believe what my family was saying. Chop off my hair. Fly to Boston for an interview at MCPHS, immediately struck by the cold and beauty of this old city (and how much I suck at navigating its public transport system). Wrapped up with happiness and love while staying with my big. Walking by the Charles to the trains in the rain, a huge Bartleby’s burger and milkshake, a bookstore by Harvard U. A cloudy morning at a coffee shop with a bomb playlist and apple turnover and chai. Most amiable interview. Museum of Fine Arts, fresh seafood, another bookstore with a cafe in the middle, a long walk back home :). Coffee, the Library, Boston Commons and Boston public Gardens, a cemetery where many founders were buried, Flour bakery (nerded out about Joanne Chang), Quincy Market, Warren Anatomical Museum, JFK Library. I am in love with this city, it was also difficult to leave (plus Logan Airport had the nicest staff). And on the 31st, Hallelujah Night in a onesie.

November 2016

My friend Lynette gets engaged! We’re there to surprise her in the parking lot of the Huntington Gardens, and plan her engagement party. 11/8, the most wonderful and horrible day. I get the call that I was accepted to the school of my dreams. America elects a fool. Fly to New Jersey while listening to The Shins and watching the changing leaves through the airplane window. Stay with a gracious family during the interview at Rutgers and catch up with an old friend over Halal Guys. Kill time by reading Profiles in Courage. Realize that at this point, I’m a little burnt out with interviewing and flying back and forth across the country. Watch USC win the USC-UCLA game! Make my friends watch Stranger Things. Thanksgiving at Vincent’s. Relient K and Switchfoot concert of my DREAMS with drinks and fries before and during. Binge watch Gilmore Girls reboot and argue about who’s better: Jess or what’s-his-name, and how awful Rory and Lorelai are and how awful this reboot was!!

December 2016

Second Shadowboxer’s concert, which becomes my 2nd favorite concert ever, after my 1st favorite, which was also a Shadowboxers concert (I’m obsessed with them can you tell). Coworker shows me how to put on falsies. Dinner and stomachaches and being babysat in Old Town. The Paper Kites with Viv, and way too much food from friendly restaurant staff, and hand-banging fans who scream and clearly love The Paper Kites lol. Once more the Duke of Mediterranean Cafe. Last day volunteering. Jon’s Bday in Pas. A day in Little Tokyo and Arts District with Hannah. Vivian’s first sleepover. La La Land on Christmas Eve, dumplings on Christmas, no day off. Catch up drinks with gov kids. Administer my first Rocephin injection via dorsogluteal IM. Lots of visitors, including Yenmin and Jacky. Spend New Years Eve at Urgent Care, popping meds, and rereading A Swiftly Tilting Planet. :)

And that’s a wrap! This was supposed to be reflective and not a catalog of stuff... but welp that’s what it turned out to be. I’m grateful for surviving another year with inspiring and supportive people and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Thank you thank you thank you, because you guys make life more interesting and beautiful. :)

Favorite Books: The Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, The Buried Giant by Kazuo Ishiguro, Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout, Profiles in Courage by JFK

Here’s to a brighter 2017.