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I obviously don’t love him, let alone like him like that but this feels like a strange version of a breakup. How do we go from talking multiple times a day, being best friends, to a silence that’s amounted to this? Forget the fact that this is yet another reminder of how women are so disposable in female-female friendships— how do you throw away someone who backed you religiously and gave you the kind of loyalty that couldn’t be returned, especially when you didn’t deserve it?

I wonder if he truly believes I am naive, stupid even—so convinced I don’t see through his pathological lies and carefully constructed half-truths. The reality is I let it slide because I don’t want to waste our time arguing about a lie he’ll take to his grave. For him, being right has always mattered more than being honest, but does he really think I don’t notice the momentary flicker of his eyes, that subtle recalibration to compose the performance—“No, but…” delivered with rehearsed resolve, as though conviction could substitute truth were it not for the shift in his pitch betraying him. As if conviction was a costume, and truth something you could imitate well enough to sell. It would almost be amusing if I didn’t know otherwise. I realise that by letting it slide, I led him, however unintentionally, to think that his actions would amount to no consequence.

I’m convinced there’s someone else. And honestly, I hope she’s great and everything he needs her to be— I want him to be happy, and I really mean that. I have always maintained that our friendship runs on borrowed time because soon I won’t have the time to keep it running; soon he’ll find someone he wants to be with and I’ll have to take a backseat in his life. I have always known that and I have always been okay with that. Of course a part of me will always wonder “what-if”, as I do with almost everything in life, but that really is just wishful thinking. When I turned 24, a switch flipped in my head— I stopped running on instinct. Throughout my life I followed my “gut” (a better word than heart for some reason)— I enter relationships I knew would end before it began just to see it play out, I moved to London to be closer to Ritik knowing full well my career would suffer, I kissed people I shouldn’t have in places I had no business being in, just to have some sort of finality. All of that dissipated when I turned 24 and decided to move back home.

That was also when I understood there was nothing worth finding out. Whatever he and I might have been didn’t need to happen— the truth is the relentless fictions that existed in my head were more generous than the reality that could have been. I had to see him for what he was: A person that coasted on blind faith that life would always work in his favour without him ever putting in any effort. Someone who abandoned every attempt at a career because of his reliance on generational wealth— someone I might potentially surpass. A person who would spend hours relentlessly arguing with me over things he was factually wrong about, who lacked any depth of compassion and worst of all, a trumpie. I saw it all then and I knew whatever might have happened between us would have collapsed under the weight of what he lacked. Even if I were ever single again, I would still come to the same conclusion—probably faster. That doesn’t change the fact that I occasionally think of the best scenario of what could have been. Because all faults aside, to be loved is to be known. And while I don’t think he fully knows me, he comes pretty close for someone who couldn’t see beyond himself.

I suppose that’s why I am grieving this. Not out of heartbreak, and certainly not from some deep well of jealousy—though I will admit there is a flicker of it. What stings is the absurdity of it all: investing in a 4-year friendship only to have it dismissed with,
“You never call or text.”
“I’m going to stop talking to you.”
“And when I call, you’re cold.”

It is almost comical in its melodrama—cloying, theatrical. The kind of thing you would expect from a possessive boyfriend, not a friend. And it might be amusing if it bore even a passing resemblance to the truth. I called. I texted. I reached out, more than once. But what do you do when someone retreats into silence and then blames you for the quiet? After Rhys, I stopped fighting for people who made a conscious decision to live without me. That isn’t deprecation or bitterness—it is discernment. A clean, necessary shift. One that forces you to recognise the truth: nothing, and no one, is guaranteed. Permanence is a fantasy we invent to comfort ourselves. And if The Office managed to carry on without Michael Scott, then so can we. So I stopped calling. I stopped texting. I stopped waiting for the call he swears he will make “later”. Because the part of me that once left space for people, even after the damage, no longer exists in the present version of me. And oddly, I do not miss those who leave/ I’ve left behind. That still surprises me because at 23, I mourned every friendship that fell apart.

What we had did not explode, it eroded. There was no final conversation. No unraveling fight. Just a slow, deliberate withdrawal masked as indifference. Maybe he realised he had feelings for me and couldn’t handle the fact that I would never leave Ritik. Maybe he recognised I was the only person that could see through him, and when it got too close, he did what he always does—ran like a scared little boy. Or maybe he just outgrew me— I’ll never know. I guess that’s what makes it harder to explain—because nothing really happened. But something did. I kept showing up until I didn’t. He kept pulling away until there was nothing left to reach for. And when the silence settled, it sounded a lot like choice. We spent years learning each other’s language, only for him to go mute when it finally required effort. I think that’s what I’ve been circling: not the ending itself, but how little it took. Still, I’m not trying to fix it, I’m just trying to understand the part of me that no longer wants to. I suppose that’s the difference between then and now— I can no longer build homes in people who treat permanence like a favour.

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i’d do it once

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i wish we still talked

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i think this is the first time i’ve felt an overwhelming need to write at 1.12pm on a tuesday. i don’t have much to say other than the fact that i’m so grateful for this life. i’m grateful to have the best boyfriend who loves me unconditionally and does everything to make sure not even we, but i, have the best life. i’m grateful for my family and the experiences i get to have because of my dad. i’m grateful i can be (mostly) honest with them and finally be able to talk about whatever i want. my brother who is my world and the biggest blessing. i’m grateful to have some of the best friends in the world: chloe, prathip, francis, paul, family friends, new friends i go for brunch and pilates with, friends that invite me over to their house for CNY, friends i study with, friends whose families i’m now a part of. i’m so grateful that singapore has been so good to me especially because i always wanted to leave and now i can’t imagine myself being happier anywhere else. i’m grateful i get to go to pilates and spin 4x a week bc health is not cheap. i’m grateful my days aren’t as empty as they used to be and i feel energised and refreshed. i’m SO grateful for my ADHD medication because i can finally focus and i actually feel like i’m reaching this potential people have always said i have but am wasting. i’m grateful i get to do law and i’m grateful i’m able to do what i want. also super grateful i have 10 pools and 3 jacuzzis in my condo because that is such a luxury. designer clothes, bags and shoes aside, i have such a rich life and i truly feel blessed. life is a bitch sometimes but i have a beautiful life and i don’t want to forget that.

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slightly late but 25 things i learned at 25!

1. hang in there because it really DOES get better (even if it takes 2 years)

2. i’m now paranoid 2025 won’t be nearly as great as 2024

3. i can start from scratch and i can build a bigger, better life

4. strangers like you more when you have money; friends like you less

5. no more housemates. like ever. unless it’s francis/andrew

6. my brother has to do better than i will

7. my best purchase of 2024 was my ADHD diagnosis and medication

8. an owala water bottle makes drinking 1.5l of water daily 10x a lot easier

9. minimalism is the WORST trend! choose colour, print, pattern, texture every time

10. i’ve been made to doubt myself for cutting off people/ being “unable to maintain friendships” when the reality is most people continue being friends with people they don’t like, let alone trust. i should never feel shame for being genuine and deciding to do away with a friendship i don’t feel positively towards

11. it’s ok to be excited about things!!! i never grew up with the type of money i have now and if i want to be excited walking out of cartier, i can be! this whole quiet luxury nonsense is bullshit.

12. you can take your time but you can’t afford to waste it

13. i don’t really smoke unless i’m in a foreign country and the time apart made me realise that i’m kinda over ouid. it just makes me binge eat and feel like shit after so i actually think i’m done

14. jumping from one social class to another isn’t solely a product of hard work, it requires a great amount of luck and i’d go so far as to say divine intervention. so always stay humble and grateful because i was never owed this life.

15. i don’t think i like pasta anymore??? ironically the best meal(s) i had this year was the lobster pasta and foie gras pasta in milan

16. fitness/health this year was SO much better and definitely something to be proud of. started out the new year v weak but once im back i need to keep it up and work on consistency

17. taylor, tortured poets, the eras tour!! magic!!! real pure magic!!!

18. moving back home was the best thing i did for myself

19. i miss london, i’ll always miss london and i’ll always love london. i don’t know that i’ll ever move back but if i do it’ll be on my terms

20. imitation isn’t flattery it actually is very very annoying

21. the boy at 16 finally doesn’t matter

22. you can never have enough heels!!!

23. i think paul might’ve been my best friend this year.

24. i’ve managed to grow a lot as a person in the last 3 years. i have insecurities but im not insecure, im confident, im content and i make smart decisions. i know that i owe a lot of this to ritik. find someone that allows you to make mistakes without keeping score

25. all i can do is try. my only goal for this year is to just try and give everything a 100%.

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i’ve always been overly critical and quick to judge. i analyse the way people tell stories about their falling out with friends- how many times they take accountability, how often they say “at the end of the day it’s a two way street”. do they say “i’m too nice a person” or “i’m basically the parent of my family” to overcompensate for the fact that they’re the complete opposite of those things. and while my judgement never seems to be wrong, i still enter into those friendships because i’ve always been told that you NEED friends. i’m 25 this year and i truly wonder, do i actually NEED all that many friends? i find it exhausting maintaining friendships in singapore- people are overly sensitive, snakey and completely ignorant. i hung out with 2 friends and we were talking about israel/palestine. i asked one of them “do you actually care about what’s going on?” and his answer was “yeah because i think about how it can affect us. will we be involved in the war? how far away are we from getting attacked?” i found myself dissatisfied, honestly disgusted with his answer. how do you make the loss of innocent lives about yourself? how is it that your concern stems from a completely self involved perspective? is expecting empathy out of people a completely unrealistic standard to have? am i the problem? am i overly sensitive? and then there’s the group of people that are silent throughout the conversation, that stay neutral and that pisses me off even more. at the same time i think it’s unfair when people condemn their followers for not posting about the war on social media. so i’m not happy when people don’t have an opinion, i’m not happy when people have the same opinion to mine but prescribe the way i show my support and i’m not happy when people’s opinions differ from mine- am i the problem?

now i know i’ve deviated a fair bit but that was to exemplify how it’s hard for me to find people that fit me. im fully aware im an acquired taste- im blunt, sometimes rude and insensitive to people’s feelings, i can usually take it and dish it but occasionally i can’t and i set off, im intolerant and im righteous. i look at a friend i’ve known since i was 6 and i see her spending her weekends with a new group of people every week and i wonder how she does it. 2 years ago i was envious, now not at all because she talks shit about her closest friends (and my “ex” lol) to me, and i know she does the same about me to other groups of friends. last year in cutting smithy off, i didn’t do it because i was angry/upset. i did it because i couldn’t find it in me to not talk shit about her after everything she’d done and she didn’t deserve that in a friendship. what’s the point of friendships if you talk shit? or do i have it all wrong? is part of friendship talking shit about each other behind each other’s backs and forgetting all you say when you’re sat in front of each other during brunch? this “ex” of mine jokes that i make “besties” really quickly only for that friendship to expire within a year. he isn’t wrong- i like people until i don’t. these days i realise that apart from ritik, the only people i actually enjoy having a conversation with are chloe, andrew, francis, my buddy at work and occasional messages from ex flings. i told ritik that i’m truly content working and studying hard so that i can make more money than i need to buy all the designer bags, shoes and jewellery i want. i asked him if i should feel like that’s sad because i really don’t. people like to make generic comments about rich people being lonely because “material goods can only do so much” but i think that’s something not-so-rich people say to make themselves feel better.

all this to say at 24, i don’t really understand friendship and i don’t exactly want to. for the first time i truly feel content with myself, that i can rely on myself. i genuinely love spending my weekends watching criminal minds and shopping for my next pair of manolos/jimmy choos. so maybe i do suck at friendships and maybe i am the problem but if the trade off is a great career, a new pair of shoes every month and literal peace… i think i’m good.

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i’ve been thinking about you the last few days. way more than usual, feeling way more deeply than i typically do. i know how deranged that makes me but at this point i’ve given up trying to rationalise my emotions when it comes to you. i’ve missed you and i frequently think about when we could next bump into each other. honestly as morbid as it is, i think it’ll be at one of our parent’s funerals because realistically when are we ever going to be able to be in the same place at the same time and even then, just us two- without your girlfriend, without my boyfriend, without people. and if we were at the same place at the same time, just us two, i don’t know that i’d say or ask you anything. i’m aware it’ll be in the next couple years you get engaged- maybe you already are i wouldn’t know. i’d be lying if i said it wouldn’t sting even though it shouldn’t. at the same time i just want you to be happy. i’ve been listening to wanna be yours by arctic monkeys loads recently. i listened to that song religiously when my feelings for you were at its strongest. i used to smile when it came on because 9 times out of 10 you’d be texting me while it was playing. now i listen to it and, i don’t want to say regret, so i’ll say i think “what if?” i think about the times i should’ve just said yes and how if i didn’t block you 2 weeks after we met, things would’ve been different. i know i bruised your ego but i was scared, as i‘ve been the entire time i’ve known you. i want to emphasise i am happy, i wouldn’t trade my life or ritik for anything (although sometimes i wonder what i’d do if you dropped everything and told me you needed to experience life, experience more and wanted me next to you), but i’ve been thinking about you.

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i lie half awake at 4.21 in the morning finding myself lost. my over-reliance on chatgpt and weed’s really fucked me over; i’m struggling to formulate and articulate a complete thought which is really counterproductive because right now i need to write. i feel overwhelmed, i’m terrified and i’m really sad. i left singapore a year ago and told myself i wouldn’t look back; that i’d do whatever it takes to stay in london and that i’ll leave the shithole i’m forever tormented by for good. i spent half the year on a shitty job i didn’t want to do just so i could keep a roof over my head and the other half was spent by staying in my room smoking up, draining ritik’s money that he works so hard for. a complete waste of a year with absolutely no progress and further from my dreams than i was a year ago. at the same time i had to watch my closest friend get everything i want and live my dream all while putting a smile on my face- it sucks a lot. i don’t want to go home. i don’t have the right friends there and my one friend here trumps the friendships i have there. i don’t want to lose ritik but i feel guilty putting him through long distance. i wish i’d just gotten my shit together so we weren’t in this situation. i wish i tried and i wished i put my all into getting that TC this year because i didn’t. i wish i could be in london while shearvin goes to uni here because how fun would that be? i’m so mad at myself because really and truly i have no one but myself to blame for this. sg isn’t all bad, i know. i have my parents which helps a lot and i’ll have home cooked meals to come home to, i’ll have a proper environment to be productive in and i’ll start being healthier- there are pros. i just know it’s not what i want and sg makes me feel ashamed to be me. it makes me feel like i’m not good enough, idk if that’s because of the fact that my friends there just don’t get me or if it’s because of the casual racism or if it’s because i’m haunted by memories i’ve tried to cremate, but it makes me feel shitty. i thought the years i was with my first boyfriend were bad but i’ve spent so many days crying in bed this year it’s genuinely made me wonder why i’m here, what i’m doing, why i keep trying? it’s been failure after failure and maybe i do have a tendency of fucking myself over but i just wish it was slightly easier. i’m trying to be grateful- to count my blessings because my problems could be worse; sometimes i even pray to something i don’t believe in fuck me. i hope this year is the lowest it gets in terms of my career and my happiness, i hope it gets better. i hope i have the strength to persevere, to fight for my dreams and to maintain my confidence in who i am. i hope next year flies quickly, i hope my pain this year will be worth it and i hope i’ll be okay.

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24 things i learned at 24

1. if you thought 22 was hard, 23 will bleed you dry

2. all problems are bad; financial problems are objectively the worst

3. the grass is always greener on the other side. don’t leave something good just because

4. i’m really lonely

5. most of 23 was spent in my room, specifically in bed, in the same clothes for days in a row. i hope 24 isn’t remotely close to what 23 was

6. ouid has now become a coping mechanism to fill the loneliness— i need to quit

7. you don’t have to put up with anyone that makes you feel fucking shitty. this includes and is not only limited to: your friends, irrelevant people from uni, your boyfriend’s shitty friends, your boyfriend’s family and people from SOTA

8. its okay to have a mental breakdown in front of your parents. if anything it was probably a good thing

9. mahi, francis and simina are still real ones

10. start taking care of your health sasha!! both gym and diet because this year was ridiculously bad

11. everything you lose is a step you take

12. the only person i can fully trust is shearvles

13. being an older sister has been the biggest blessing because it’s the only thing that keeps me going when i’ve wanted to give up (on life haha)

14. i do really love designer bags and shoes

15. you don’t have to believe in a religion to believe in prayer

16. depression at 15 vs covid depression vs depression at 23 are all very different experiences

17. i have a really fucking good heart and anyone who really knows me would know that and that’s all that matters.

18. the less you post online/put out there, the less people have to talk about

19. i have a really good boyfriend and an even better relationship— and it is okay that i prefer for it to exist outside social media

20. i haven’t fought the urge to run away; i still have fantasies of disappearing

21. taylor swift has seen me through my best and worst days since i was 10 wow

22. don’t miss people who don’t miss you

23. i might feel like it and i may have been close to it, but i haven’t failed at life yet

24. living with strangers with no family to celebrate holidays with, no warm home cooked meals, no one to help do your laundry and no one to ask you how your day was is really fucking hard. it’s okay to want to go home despite how much you’ve worked to get away from it

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you are so beautiful

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“the people who figure their shit out right away are boring. the late bloomers? people like us? we make the world go round. you can afford to take your time. what you cannot afford to do is waste it”

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i think i really just don’t like you

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over the course of my life i’ve learned that you never really forget people. from the guy you got with in a club when you were barely legal to the random kid in your math class when you were 13; you never really forget the people you once knew. its not like you actively remember them, but there’s always something that reminds you of someone. and every time i sit on a plane and hear the pilot make an announcement, i think of you. i think of 16 when you were dead set on flying and i remember being excited about the idea of me being on a plane that you’d fly someday. i always had this stupid dream of me sat in business class on SQ and you being the pilot. you’d give me a little shoutout and i’d be able to see you in the cockpit. i never pictured this particular dream as anything more than platonic; i feel like we’ve always just wanted to see the other do well.

i helped you with your silly graduation speech, you made stupid jokes about how i’m too smart for you (truth is you’re a lot smarter than i am). even when i was back in singapore last year all i really asked your mum was about you flying. when you called me you asked if i was happy, if i was eating better and if i was a lawyer yet (amongst many other things). i guess we never really stopped believing in each other. but why do we even care? why do either of us actually care? is it because we invested a decent fraction of our lives on each other? is it because we needed to hear that the other is nowhere close to where we thought we’d be when we were 16? idk are we just going through a really fucking crazy transitional period in our lives and felt this inexplicable need to relive simpler days? do we just remind each other of us at 16 and stupid? or is it not that complicated and did we just miss each other lol. i don’t know and i guess i need to stop wondering. all i know is right now i’m thousands of ft above the ground in an airplane and i’m thinking about you. i think of you and the dreams you had and i hope you never stop chasing them. because all those late nights we spent talking, all the polaroids we ripped, all the no contact only to be closer than ever 3 months later and all the heartache had to have meant something. we didn’t go through all that just to be nothing? and if our “friendship” is dead then the least we can do is keep those stupid dreams alive right? idk i just want us but more importantly me to actually chase those dreams. life hasn’t felt right lately. it’s good and ritik is amazing to me but i know i’m not where i’m meant to be right now. so here’s to believing in our 16 year old dreams as we forget each other.

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feel nothing

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