#and then I'm scared because sometimes it's like 'why tf didn't you just ask'

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW ..dysfunctional family relations? not sure how else to describe it lol

I guess I'm looking for reassurance? someone to listen? answers? im not exactly sure

so i have PTSD from. a lot of different things so i know what flashbacks are and i know what triggers are. i recognize them ok? but i don't understand why i keep getting triggered by my brother. for clarity, we don't talk: we live in the same house but he's very transphobic and an asshole, so i stopped speaking to him. but he's still around all the time.

and it triggers me! even when he's not saying transphobic things, hearing his voice triggers me sometimes. i don't understand why, like, it's not even like that's targeted towards ME, he's just generally a bigoted ass. but what's really bothering me is that there was a thing that happened:

he was being really mean to my little sibling. and he does shit like that sometimes, he targets me, or one of my little siblings and he generally treats them like shit. and i knew if i spoke up in the midst of it, he'd be mad. but i did anyone. and he was. really mean so i told my mom. she said she'd speak to him about it.

anyways, long story short, there was a family emergency and my mom left. my sibling was distraught over the emergency and my brother decided that was a great evening to totally tear into her. i mean-telling her HORRIBLE shit. she just wanted one of our dogs to sit with her but he started yelling at her about how she always wanted everything, how she was such a pest and all this shit and i couldn't BREATHE. he'd done shit like that to me before but never this bad with my little sibling.

so i did the first thing i knew would snap him out of it so i could get my sibling away: i told him to fuck the hell off. which of course shocked everyone but then i could get my sibling away. i was so fucking scared-my dad was home, my older sisters too and none of them did ANYTHING. they could hear him yelling but just ignored it. he was so mad, he started saying all this shit about me and i left the room but then ii had a panic attack for like, literal HOURS, i couldn't sleep because i couldn't BREATHE and he kept talking really loudly near my room so i could hear how mad he was and then, to top it all off, i got in trouble for using a curseword and he didn't even get told off.

but i keep getting flashbacks to it. even though he wasn't even targeting me in the first place and yknow its over now and its done and like, ok he's an ass but that's how siblings ARE sometimes right? i mean. i'd never do that obviously bc that's horrible!! he's like 26 and my sibling is 12. i wouldn't do it even without the age gap in mind but fdshajklfhdajkl i'm just trying to ask 1. why tf am i getting flashbacks and 2. am i just? being crazy over this??? is this just some totally normal thing i just. dont understand or is this something actually fucked up that my parents just dont give a fuck over? tnx

(-luci)

Hi luci,

I'm so sorry you went through this.

Please know that what happened is not okay. It sounds like your family normalizes and enables his behavior.

You even said yourself that you would never do these things because it would be a horrible thing to do. So it sounds like on some level you know that this isn't just "how siblings are sometimes". While you're definitely not alone, it doesn't mean that it's okay for your brother to behave this way. Accountability is still necessary to encourage growth, and this sounds like something your parents may not see.

The way you responded to the situation does not sound disproportionate to the situation, despite how your parents made it seem. The fact that your family simply ignored him implies that this may be a pattern for your brother and your family has developed a learned helplessness. I say this primarily because, even if reacting may exacerbate his anger, it seems more natural to react than ignoring it.

It makes sense if this was a traumatizing experience for you. It can be scary to be in a situation like that. You're not being crazy over this. This is something your parents aren't taking seriously enough.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[whowantshota]

Can I req brothers best friend Anton smut

MOVING OUT —— lee anton

when sungchan can't make it to help his him pack up, anton's best friend's older sister is there instead.

warnings ☆ MATURE CONTENT AHEAD. reader is 5 years older, collegestudent!anton, subby anton, smut, oral (m.receiving), anton x afab!reader

Anton would have probably been halfway through his packing by now if Sungchan arrived when he said he would. He's no where near to done—there's clothes everywhere, his essentials laid in a line in front of boxes, and figurines strewn across the floor as he figures what to take and what not to.

He inhales deeply, running a hand through his hair and falling backwards onto his mattress. He absolutely does not want to have to sit and pack up the rest of his stuff. Especially when there's still almost a week and two days till he officially moves anyways. If his stuff doesn't get there as on time as it should've, is it really that big of an issue. Whipping out his phone, he shoots a "hurry tf up" text to Sungchan before flopping once again. 

He couldn't have spent more than half an hour staring at the mess around his room at his lego when the doorbell chime finally resigns through the halls, followed by a rapt knock. Anton rolls his eyes, huffing and standing. "Now he's here," he murmurs, pouty and ready to tell off his older friend.

He pratically flings the front door open once he gets there, ready to shout a "where have you been!" at a very late Sungchan. Except, it's not Sungchan who stands at the door.

"Y/N?"

You don't miss the way Anton reels back just slightly at the sight of you, grip on the door frame loosening. He seems so dumbfounded to see you here, you, his best friends older sister, outside his door.

You open your arms for a hug, and Anton shakes off the shock and quickly jumps into it. "Miss me?" You ask, arms hooking around his neck. He shakes his up and down as an answer, pressing into the crook of your neck.

He's gotten so much bigger since you last saw him; when you had moved out to study at a foreign university. And that was nearly five years ago.

"Yeah," he chirps scratching the back of his head awkwardly. "Are you– is it cold?" He asks, shoving his own hands into the pockets of his sweats as he eyes your arms wrapped around your torso. He moves to open the space in the door frame, lets you walk inside first. He slowly trails behind you as you shrug off your coat, reveling the tight, long sleeve shirt you wore under. 

"It wasn't too bad." You say, though he can just barely hear you. "Did Sungchan not tell you I was coming? You seemed so surprised."

Anton stumbles over himself, because well, your ass looks damn good in jeans, and no. No, Sungchan didn't tell him. "'Course I'm surprised, I haven't seen you in forever—thought you were still in the States." He tells you, right behind you as you head over to the living room.

He knows you know your way around his house, almost as well as he does probably. Before you moved out, you had actually babysat him and Sungchan. Sometimes at your house, sometimes at his. The only difference since then was probably fading furniture swapped out for much newer pieces.

You settle down on the couch, laying on your back as you look over at him. Anton watches gaze run over him and your brows furrow. "What?"

You tilt your head, bite the inside of your cheek. "I don't know, you're so much bigger now, it's like you're not Anton." You shrug, rolling over onto your stomach. You rest your head in your hands, grin growing wide. "Do you at least have a girlfriend now?" 

"No, I don't." Anton glares at your giggling figure. He has been asked that a million times now by Aunts and honestly, he didn't think it was that funny.

"Aww, why not? Scared she'll say no? Or oou, even better," you say, scrambling to sit up. Your voice drops to a whisper but Anton can hear you loud and clear. "Still hung up on noona?"

You laugh at the rapid spread of red to his ears at your comment. Anton hands shoot to his face and it has you laughing even louder.

"Fuck, can we forget about that? Please?" He pouts, eyes big. 

You raise a brow at him, "And how am I supposed to do that?" You ask, glancing him over. 

"I was like, 14," he grumbles, leaning against the wall.

You purse your lips, bringing your legs closer to your body. The two of you stare at each other in silence, only broken by the sound of your little 'tch.'

Before Anton can say, you're standing up from the couch, tugging up your jeans and heading towards his room. You pat his arm lightly as you pass by, "Let's go pack up, yeah?"

For the most part, his room looks exactly as you remember it. it's the same color, and a mess as usual; figurines and boxes still left on the floor from earlier.

"No wonder you don't have a girlfriend, how are you supposed to bring her in here." You snort, giving the place a once-over. Suitcase wide open on his bed, walls partially baren, and piles of sweats and hoodies. "Is this seriously all you wear?"

Antons raises his hands in protest, pushing past you to grab a folded pile of clothes and stuff them in his suitcase. "No, and in my defense it didn't look like this until I started packing." He murmurs.

"Mmm." You hum, scanning the floor. Anton pauses his actions, oblivious to the smirk on your face as he watches you bend over to help. There's no fucking way you didn't wear those jeans on purpose.

His head turns the other way once you stand back up. "No girl would actually want to be in here Anton. Trust me." You joke, tapping his nose with the pad of you finger.

"You're in here though, aren't you." The gruffness of his voice has you raising a brow at him.

"And?" You push, genuinely intrigued by what he wants to say. When he doesn't answer, you speak again, "You think I'd fuck you while a transformer stares back at me?"

Anton's eyes go wide, shocked by the bluntness of your comment. Despite his reaction, you rest a hand on his bicep, feeling the way he stiffens up under your contact. "What? Still need some motivation to get you to clean up?"

Your giggle at the way the very prominent outline in his pants twitches at you words. "Someone's interested? How long have you been thinking about fucking me today?" You slowly run your hands down the front of his sweats, fingers clasping around the size of his cock.

He murmurs something under his breath, eyes rolling back as you thumb him through his pants.

"Anton," you tease, attempting to call him out of his head. 

"Fuck, wait–"

"Oh, you sure? Don't need to me to take care of this for you?" You drop down to your knees, pressing a kiss to his bulge. “Look at me, baby.”

Anton’s eyes flutter open and he swears he could come just to the picture of you; on your knees for him, bottom lip slick with saliva. Peering into your shirt, he can see your tits, bets they’d feel good and knows that they would look so much better with his dick between them.

His vision doubles before focusing on your lips. The way you run your tongue over them, merciless teasing him. “Can I?” You ask, fingers hooking around the waistband of his sweats and boxers.

“Yes, please…” He mumbles, pushing his hair back with one hand. He watches you tug down on the fabric, hard cock released from the confines of his sweats. Your fingers wrap around him almost immediately, thumb pressing against a thick vein. 

Anton’s not the first big dick you’ve seen, but damn, he’s fucking pretty—swollen at the tip and leaking pre-cum. You kitten lick at his cock, seeing the way the string of precum falls from your tongue. In between hot, wet breaths, you stare at Anton, watching the way his his eyes get wide when you take him in your mouth.

“Oh. Oh fuck-” Anton manages chokes out, tears welling up. He’s trying so hard not to buck into your mouth and fuck into your throat. He lets his hand slide onto your hair, tangle between your hair, though he doesn’t move you. 

He’s pretty much gone when you gag on him, grip on your hair tightening. “Can I?” He whimpers, leg warm under the spot where your hand rests on his thigh. “Please, nnghh- fuck.”

The satisfying pop when you slip off his cock is loud and wet. You stroke him slowly as you talk, gaze never leaving his. “You wanna fuck noona’s throat, hmm?” You snicker, listening to the way he whines. 

Never had you ever thought your brother’s best friend would be whining for you. You give him one more look before you wrap your mouth around him, going as deep as you can until you gag.

He takes it that as a yes, fucking into the warmth of your mouth once as a test. When you don’t protest, his grip on your hair tightens again, setting a steady rhythm. You choke around him, eyes watering.

He hears his phone buzz from where ever he left it, but he couldn’t give a fuck about who sent it. “Thank you, thank you, thank you-” hips snapping forward. There's drool running your chin, and he’s sure he catches your hand moving down into your own jeans.

“‘m can’t, can’t- shit.” Soon he’s speeding up, cock fucking sloppily into your throat. He grunts something unintelligent, eyes shut tight as he cums down your throat.

You gulp down every bit of his cum, sucking on the head of his cock for good measure. Anton whines again when you do, simply stares as you pull back up his sweats.

You stand up, as if you did not just give your brother’s best friend the blowjob of a lifetime. You pat his bicep, the exact same spot as before, smiling. “Finish cleaning up and I’ll let you fuck my tits, yeah?”

not beta read. hope u enjoyed :)

[caffeinatedopossum]

Like no I don't have trouble with interpreting what people mean... Unless you mean that having an entire internal dialogue about it constantly and studying people meticulously and experimenting to get it right is not something everyone is doing because uhh

Shit dude. I'm realizing everyone is not having to try this hard to do everything- why did no one tell me wtf

[weebslawyer]

A too long and boring Capitano fanfic babes

Capitano x fem reader

A/n: it just get suggestie, it does contain spoilers who are not really spoilers and one theory which idk, I just liked it. Also i wrote this in a silly goofy mood. Hope you enjoy this babes

Warnings: spoilers, blood

Words: 4117

Having a hydro vision wasn't always such a blessing. And you learned that lesson the hard way. You where coming from a rich family, you had a big brother and a little sister. All of you received the love, care and attention from both parents. There was nothing a kid that time can ask for. But sometimes everything feels like a vivid dream.

In that time you where forced by your parents to learn medicine and go on your father's path, to have your own money and to be a independent woman. You were lucky that indeed you were interested in the subject and you found your purpose in helping others. Until one day when everything changes. You already got you vision and it was way easier to do your part time job thanks to your father resources. But what you did not expect was your brother to enter the clinic doors. You let everything you were doing and rush to him. He was hurt so you do what you were taught. So you examine him but you knew that if you don't do something, there might be a chance that he will never see the light of the day. Then you start doing your thing. You may say you were his lucky star because you stabilized him and everything was fine at the moment, but you didn't expect that to be last day when you see him, because sadly he died a few hours after even tho you did everything you could to save him. You were broke and still had some of his blood on your hands and uniform. You started crying and screaming like you never did. You just lost your brother. You see the blood in your hands floating around and you see the eyes of your brother popping out and then everything is covered in red. You were shocked and start looking around. You see your assistants in shock and scared for their lives, or maybe just scared of you. You start panicking and see you father entering the room and to your surprise she stops there, looks at you and you see how the look on his face change. He looks at you with contempt. You back up as he gets closer to you "I-I don't know what happened.. I sweat to archons.. Dad"

"Get here right now" he said angry while he dragged you out "This is not why I spend so much mora, time and patience with you"

"I didn't killed him I swear" you said crying and trying take his hand

"Yea? You did not? From the day you were born I knew something is wrong but this is too much. You killed your brother Y/N!"

"I didn't, I swear I didn't"

"I want you to leave" he said with cold tone

"I have no where to go"

"I don't care. You're not my daughter anymore" he said turning his back to you.

You stayed there until the night has came. You used all of your strength to get up and leave. Where? You didn't know. You left. You spent good days in the woods. Learning more about that you did and what happened that night. You stole from people clothes and food. But someone heard about you. You were sleeping in an improvised tent when you suddenly hear the noise outside. But before you could react you feel someone knocking you out.

"I'm sorry beautiful I had to do that"

You don't really know what happened after that. You woke up in a chamber with chains around your ankels and wrists loose enough to not hurt you and long enough so you walk around. You look around but there was not much to see. You try to look at the chamber in front of you but it was empty. You were clean for some reason and in dry and comfortable clothes.

"Who tf kidnap someone to keep them in such luxury" you said to yourself looking at the chains "Can I get at least some water?" you shout out

"For someone in your condition you react really good" you heard a voice and then a tall man coming close to you. A ginger.

"Is either this or the woods. If you ask me sir I prefer to stay here. Even tho I don't know where I am. Maybe you can refresh my memory"

"I see. Love to see you are this talkative. Then maybe I should welcome you to Snezhnaya. I hope you like the cold"

"Snezhnaya? You mean like in that Snezhnaya? Please at least tell me I'm not at some harbinger headquarter or something"

"Sorry to disappoint" he said smiling at you

"But like why?" you asked confused.

"There are some rumors that there is someone who apparently can control the blood?"

"Listen, ginger, can I call you ginger? As you can see I am panicking, but it's not like that I can assure you ginger"

"Don't call me ginger. But I was here to bring you some food and water"

"Oh you are some lower rank or something?" you asked taking the food and water.

"First, that's disrespectful girly, second, you are completely right"

"I'll call you ginger as long as you are going to gatekeep your name and do you need a therapy session? I'm not going anywhere" you said starting to eat

"Probably I do need therapy. I never thought about it"

"Aren't you glad you have me here?"

"But definitely not with you. Now finish that so I can leave"

"Oh man, you make me very sad you know" you said that and sat in silence until you eat everything "I'll keep the water" you said

"Ok. Now don't try anything if you still want to be alive"

"That's also an option I'm considering. Thank you ginger"

You can hear him laughing before he leave.

"I should have been a comedian at this point" you said to yourself drinking some water "Stay hydrated babes"

You didn't really know how much time has passed since you were there. The ginger was sometimes coming to see you and that was it. Until today.

You heard new steps and that made you curios "So today is not the ginger?" you asked waiting for the new person to reveal themselves.

"I'm sorry to destroy your happiness" the man said standing in front of you, with his gorgeous blond hair and half a mask

"Do I know you?" you asked looking at him

"No but you'll find out fast enough who I am" he said unlocking the chains out of you ankels and wrists "Now dress with this" he said putting a pile clothes in you bed

"Are we going somewhere?"

"Yes. Get dressed" he said waiting outside the cell

You didn't said anything. You get dressed and go to him.

"So, now, can you explain to me what is happening?" you asked

"Pierro, you must be Y/N"

"Indeed. Nice to meet you"

"Probably Childe already told you why are you here"

"Childe? You mean the ginger?" you asked start laughing "No no no, but we did had some amazing therapy together"

You see how he's looking at you but he didn't said anything.

"I'm sorry. But I really don't know guys what you think or know about me, myself and I, but I can assure it's not what you think"

"Then you'll have time to explain that. In a meeting" he said

"Meeting?" you asked

But before you could said anything he opened a door that lead both of you to a meeting room. You saw the ginger and other eight people and a huge machinerie. You follow Pierro until he show you a free seat. You sit down right next to childe and close to Pierro.

"So why are we here? Just for a girl?" you hear a woman asking

"I know we discussed if she should be one of us or not but see no potential in such a tiny body"

"That's true, but that's not what we care about. We need her powers"

"Again about that? Listen guys, I'll say it for like, the last time, I can't control someone's blood. So that being said I'm no use for you guys and such an organization. Now can y'all just throw me back in the woods?" you asked standing up

"You don't go anywhere" Pierro said "Now sit down"

And you sat. I mean, how can you not listen to him? He looks pretty bloody hot. And that's what they did. They discussed. More or less. You were not really asked if you accept or not with their agreements. And that was it.

The next months you spend them training with some of the fatui recruits until you where strong enough and up to Pierro's expectations. After his approval you were send to missions on your own as an harbinger but that wasn't a title you used pretty much.

Today was one of those monthly meetings you unfortunately had to attend. There was not much for you to talk about so you just stay somewhere besides Capitano. You two had your little chit-chat at some tea and coffee but nothing much. This time Pierro sends you two in a mission together. You look at Capitano but there was nothing for you to understand. That men was pure mystery for you and for archons sake you did love that in a men. But anyway. You pair up with him and leave together.

"Damn I'm gonna miss that ginger" you said going next to him

"Who?" he asked looking at you

"Childe. Tartaglia? The 11th of the fatui?"

"I was messing with you" he said laughing

"Damn I really thought you don't know your own colleagues sir"

"You know, there is something funny about the way you talk for someone who was taught to be a doctor"

"I'll take it as a compliment" you said

"You'll see him next time don't worry. But we have to finish fast if you want to see him that bad"

"But I like to see you too. You don't have to be jealous babe" you said smiling at him

"Babe? Listen. This is going to be a long trip until we arrive in Mondstadt, so please don't try to annoy me, babe"

"I don't promise. I really like this side of you"

If there was any possibility to see him you could have sworn he rolled his eyes.

"So, I was curious"

"Obviously you are" you said looking outside

"Your vision, how does it work?"

You look at him for a moment, and then you look back outside not saying a thing.

"It's the water" you said "It's not the blood, it's the water in your body that I'm controlling. And how your body is more then 70% water.."

"You control it"

"Yes. That's how it work. But I don't like doing that so I just do the healing I guess" you said and then both of you stayed in silence.

In right time you arrived in Mondstadt. It's was such a new and beautiful scenary for you that you could help but be amazed by everything you saw. And indeed, Capitano was looking after you, something about everything you do it's making him want to protect you with all costs. Maybe it was because of the remains memories of his old friends and family. But you'll never know that.

"Can we go later and eat something out? Please?" you asked looking at him

"No" he said

"Pretty please then?" you said

"I said no" he said looking at you and letting a loud sigh out

"I got it" you said and you didn't want to show him you were sad so you just stay silent.

You two enter in his hotel and you see some fatui agents welcoming him.

"Sir, unfortunately we have only one room available at the moment"

"It's fine" he said taking the key of the room.

"By any chance this is yours?"

"The hotel? Yes" he said entering in the room

"I see" you said letting your stuff on the floor.

When you saw the bed had two things in your head, first, you two will have to share a bed, and Capitano is not a skinny guy, second, if that was his ideea or just a coincidence. But you brushed of your questions and start arranging your clothes in the dresser and after, you go to change in nice dress. You look one time in the mirror and you could see Capitano checking you out and you saw him wearing a suit now. Can he be more hotter then this? I bet he can.

"Where are you going?" he asked

"To have dinner I guess" you said preparing to leave "You said you don't want me to annoy you so I'll just leave and let you do your things until you decide to start our mission"

For some reason that hurt him. He didn't meant to be rude or make you run from him. He never had his ways with women, but now? Now it's something else.

"Wait-" before he could say anything he saw you rushing through the door.

He sigh and go downstairs to resolve some unfinished business.

Meanwhile, you go to Good Hunter and order some food.

"I guess you are a traveler from afar" Sara said while preparing the food

"You are right darling" you said letting the mora in the table "Do you also know where I can get some good wine?"

"Yea, you can go to the tavern. It's not far from here."

"Thank you darling" you said smiling

You see her blushing and by accident burning herself.

"Wait wait wait. Let me help you love" you said going to her and taking her hand "Here" you said after healing her "I hope its better love, and take care please. It would be a shame someone as beautiful as you to have such an ugly scar" you smiled and go to your table

After the food arrived you never saw something so tasty before.

"Darling, could you want to have this dinner with me?" you asked looking at her

"I- I would not dare"

"Please. It would be my pleasure. And meanwhile you can tell me about the city so no one would suspect you" you smiled.

You see her biting her lip and sit down to you. You share your food with her and talk about a lot of things. You looked around and you saw so many interesting people that probably would be such a pleasure to meet them under other circumstances.

"If you ever visit Mondstadt again, please look for me"

"And that's what I'm gonna do darling" you wink at her and after kissing her hand you left going to look after the tavern. You find a flower shop in your way and decide to buy one to put it in your hair. This place was such a warm light compared to Snezhnaya. After a while you find the tavern. You go inside and order from the bar a glass of wine and then go outside to enjoy it in peace. You wished the rest of your days were like this but you knew that would never happen. Not as long as you are an harbinger.

After the night comes, you decide to return. To your surprise Capitano was not there. But the only think you wanted was to see him getting annoyed by your simple presence there. After a bath, you dress with your nightgown and go to sleep. You woke up after you heard Capitano entering the room, but you pretend to sleep. You hear him getting undressed and then coming next to you in the bed. You feel his strong arms around you and kisses your head. He didn't had his mask? You were so curios to know how he look like but you give up because if he wanted he would. You could also feel something else, but now it's not the moment.

You get closer to him and fall back to sleep. When you woke up you see him drinking his morning tea.

"Morning" he said

"Good morning" you said turning your back at him

"I prepared you some tea. Come drink with me"

You turn and look at him, then you go sit at the table next to him.

"What's happening? You are too friendly this morning" you said looking at him

"I want to talk with you"

"Me too Capitano. You first"

"I want to say sorry. I'm sorry that I make you feel like I don't you to be here with me"

"You make it very clear. You don't have to apologize. After we end this mission we don't have to work with each other anymore so don't worry" you said smiling

"Stop. Stop smiling like that at me. I want to work with you. I want you around me. I really do. Is just, it was such a long time since I had these feelings for a women. Trust me, and I just don't want to screw everything up"

"Then that explain the last night" you said to yourself "There is nothing to begging with for you screw up" you said drinking from your tea

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, there is not actually something between us. Don't get me wrong, I do want you to fuck me on any position out there, but you are just horny. It's not like you like me in a meaningful way" you said standing up "And it's fine"

"You are right but you're also wrong. I'm horny indeed, but it's not just that. From the day Pierro introduced you to us I just know I want to make you mine" he said taking your hand

"Are you for real?" you asked looking at him "I mean probably you are if you trusted me enough to take your mask of"

"I am for real Y/N. And I mean every word I said"

"Ok then. But you have to take me out on a date"

"Then let me prepare something for tomorrow"

"Fine. But what are you going to do tonight?"

"I can't tell you"

"Just don't die, please"

"I'll try. But only because you asked me"

You smiled and watched him leave. Where? No one knows. You get dressed to start your day too and you go again to Good Hunter.

"Hi darling. Did you missed me?" you asked Sara

"Hi strange traveler" she said smiling at you

"Y/N. You can call me the love of your life" you said laughing "I'm sorry. The same as yesterday please"

"Ok. It's going to be done in a few minutes"

"For your food I can wait for hours darling" you said looking at her and see her blushing

"Well well. I didn't know we have more travelers around here" you heard a man approaching you and Sara "As usually Sara. Thank you"

You don't say anything and just look at the guy. I did reminded you of Pierro, a younger version of him. But his hair was the opposite of Pierro's.

"If you have anything to ask just ask" he said turning to you

"I do have some questions. But I want to believe I'm hallucinating thank you"

"Aww, but it's not fun that way"

"I know right?" you asked smiling

You see Sara giving him his food, and then he look at you again and then leave.

"I'm so sorry if he was rude"

"Who? The lover boy? It's fine. Don't worry darling too much"

"I thought he was kinda your type?" she asked

"My type? With such a snack in front of me? Naah" you said

You hear her laugh and coming with your food "Here" she said

"Thank you" you said and go to a table and start eating your food in peace

After your done, you basically just go around exploring and asking people around about the city and everything. After that you go and buy some take away food from Sara and go to the hotel. You see some fatui agents look worried. You brush that off and go in your room. When you enter you see Capitano covered in blood and without a shirt on him.

"For fuck sake love" you said closing the door and putting the food on the table

He doesn't say anything but he turns around.

"Who's blood is this?" you asked helping him clean the blood

"Mine? The people I killed"

"What? You're telling me you go out and just to kill people?"

"Here" he show you some papers "I think we have a few days to stay here"

"You finish the mission alone?" you take the papers

"Yes. So we can have time for each other"

You were in shock.

"Sorry" he said

"Yes you should. You could at least ask me to come with you" you said and start healing his wounds.

You see him taking his mask off. You see some yellow marks on his face and his brownish hair. He was beautiful, nothing that you expected, but he was beautiful.

"Y-You know you don't have to right?"

"I know. But I don't want to lie to you" he said taking your face in his hands, and then kissing you.

You kiss him back. He puts his hand around your waist and you feel your back pressing against the wall. You feel his tongue playing with yours. You let out a moan and put you hand around his neck. He lifts you up and goes with you in the bed. He kisses your lips, your face your neck. After a while and more kisses both of you were naked and from here you can imagine what happened.

After you both take a bath together.

"Sooo" you say playing with the foam

"So" he said kissing your neck

"If you do that one more time we'll gonna have more rounds you know"

"I don't mind" he replied pressing his lips on your skin

"Oh I know you don't" you said laughing

You hear him laughing and hugs you tighter.

"Can I ask you something?" you asked

"Yes"

"Why are you wearing that mask?"

"Because I'm supposed to be dead. I was originally known as Menogias. And I just don't want him to find out" he said

You look at him "So, no one is supposed to know who you are but still you tell me"

"I think I trust you more then you think. Also, I want you to come with me in Fontaine after all of this is done"

"I love to hear you trust me and you want me to come with you, but I can't" you said walking out of the bathtub

"Why?"

"Um, my family is there. I think they are still in Fontaine"

"And? You'll be with me, not them" he said follow you and then putting a towel around him.

You look him in the eyes. I mean he had a point.

"Ok then. I'll come with you" you said kissing him

"Love to hear that" he said hugging you.

After the days you spend in Monstadt, you both leave back to Snezhnaya to report to Pierro. You had an ambiguous conversation with Pierro about lover boy but obviously he will not tell you if they are related, but after the expression on his face it seems like he didn't even known about it.

You were looking for Capitano and see him talking with Childe while waiting for you outside.

"I'm here" you said "Hiii ginger" you said smiling

"Stop calling me ginger" he said frustrated

"But I like it. It suits you"

"I head you leave Snezhnaya"

"You did" you said looking at Capitano and saw him looking away "That's true. I have some unfinished business there"

"I see. Then come and visit me stranger"

"I will I'll promise" you said laughing

All of you say goodbye and you leave with Capitano. You didn't asked too many questions about his reasons of why he hide his true identity. He's old enough to make his own decisions. One night, after a long time back in Fontaine, you two had an interesting discussion if you want to have a family together or to have kids. Obviously now you are the bad guys but still, you were curious. To your surprise he wanted to have kids. Especially with you, but you both decided to wait until all of this to end. But for know, you were both happy with the way things were now and just enjoying your relationship.

[kyywtii]

Tears Of Themis boys as ||𝚃𝚆𝙸𝚃𝙲𝙷 𝚂𝚃𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙼𝙴𝚁𝚂||

𝙰𝚛𝚝𝚎𝚖 𝚆𝚒𝚗𝚐

Chill and relaxing games

No screaming

No keyboard smashing

No table banging

No chair jumping

Just peace

Talks to his chat more than he actually plays tbh

Games like Unpacking and Townscaper where you don't need to use your brain that much

Sometimes... JUST SOMETIMES...

He feels like streaming for 7 hours to play all the Sherlock Holmes games humans have produced

7 hours playing the same game if he's really into it

Or if his chat is being annoying

Even fangames-

Every time there's a save point in the game he's just "Chat, let's take this opportunity to discuss all we've done so far"

Has an inside joke within the fandom about him having an OnlyFans account

Just cuz he attempted to make a joke once

"@Art3m1s feet pics when~"

"These are not for free"

"...OH SHIT WHAT DID HE SAY"

"DID YALL HEAR THAT! ITS NOT FOR FREE!!"

"SOMEONE PULL YOUR CARD I DONT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY PLEASE GO CHECK AND FIND HIM"

"ITS HAPPENING I KNEW SOMEONE LIKE HIM WOULD DO SUCH BUISNESS"

"... guys what the-"

His mods hated him that day

Complete chaos

"@Art3m1s where did that picture of you and @Mariland go ? I can't find it on Twitter TT"

"Oh I just-... guys no"

"Omg is it what we think it is"

"Everyone... don't-"

"ITS IN HIS ONLYFANS FOR SURE HE SHOWED HIS SHOULDERS"

"I SAID NO"

Doesn't know how to deal with any of this istg

𝙻𝚞𝚔𝚎 𝙿𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚎

I don't know what he's doing either don't ask me

This man rage quit Stardew Valley once

"ITS NOT WORKING LOOK"

"WHAT KINDA JOKE IS THIS"

"I CANT PLANT IT IT DOESNT LET ME"

"IVE BEEN FISHING FOR THE PAST 7 DAYS WHY AM I ONLY GETTING TRASH IM NOT GETTING WHAT IM LOOKING FOR"

"@LukeyCharm... you need to use the right bait..."

"... I'm not playing this game anymore the cat is ugly anyways"

Switched to cooking Mama instead

Professor Layton is his bitch actually

EMOTES EMOTES

Once the light in his room turned off because, well, light bulb

And that was the day he got his "man who doesn't pay his bills" reputation

"Omg @LukeyCharm... we didn't know you couldn't afford to pay for your lights we failed you as a community TT"

"My PC is literally working I HAVE ELECTRICITY WHAT ARE YOU SAYING"

"It's okay !! You don't have to be ashamed ^^"

"??? WHAT ARE YALL-"

"We'll make sure to help you in the future ! Guys, make donations !!!"

"Guys I made a petition to raise funds and provide enough money for his electricity bills, go sign it!"

"Let's go ! Let's go! Sign it !!!"

"...."

Is actually so done with his community it's hilarious

"Will the lights hold until the end of the stream this timeeeeeeee???~"

"... I'm banning you"

𝙼𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚞𝚜 𝚅𝚘𝚗 𝙷𝚊𝚐𝚎𝚗

Listen first of all

Cat and dog ears filters

Okay

Good

TO WITNESS SUCH A SIGHT THAT IS MARIUS WITH CAT OR DOG EARS THE PRICE TO PAY IS

A price

He got multiple filters with multiple sizes and multiple colors and multiple shapes of multiple species

Depending on how long you want the ears to stay on his head

The price is all types of wallets friendly

Screams 24/7

Plays horror games to scream even more

"Oh look a cute little bir- OH GOOD LORD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WHERE TF DID IT COME FROM ITS SO UGLY GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY SIGHT"

Gets bullied by his chat on a daily

"@Mariland gives such bottom energy"

"??? Excuse you ???"

"Ikr !!! I mean one glance is enough to tell that!"

"HELLO where did this COME FROM"

"Omg @Mariland looks so cute when he's scared~~~"

"... I hate yall"

He actually loves yall

Someone paid 50$ just to ask him to say "UwU" one day

He actually was shocked ngl

"I'd do anything to hear him say UwU"

"Huh- nah I'm not saying that"

~ilovemelon donated 50$~

".... what was it you wanted me to say-"

Plays Genshin impact

And the Sims

And anything that comes his way tbh

𝚅𝚢𝚗 𝚁𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚝𝚎𝚛

Him

H i m

Which one of you encouraged him to do this

I mean forced

His community is by far the most disciplined one

Wonder how he has a community in the first place he treats his viewers like absolute trash I'm sorry-

Love hate relationship with his fans

"OmG @Vynyl remember that day when you couldn't pronounce the main character's name ???"

"Remember that day when you got blacklisted and got restricted access to content on this channel? I mean today?"

"... I'm sorry"

Gives his chat the silent treatment everytime they start being annoying

"OMG HES SO HOT IM ON MY KNEES BEGGING"

"I'm not even gonna acknowledge seeing whatever it is I just saw"

Actually lets his fandom choose the games to stream every now and then

Once someone requested a game saying it was one of the funniest most amazing underrated games ever

It was neither fun

Nor amazing

And it wasn't underrated rather overrated as a matter of fact

That bs shouldn't even have existed first of all

Man was so disappointed he decided to play Subway Surfers for 3 hours straight

"@Vynyl... Can't we switch games..."

"Hush"

"This is so booooooring"

"Suit yourselves"

"Cant we just do something else already TT"

"Next time you'll make sure to choose wisely."

Don't try to get him involved in any drama fr

"@Vynyl is so problematic he's literally so insensitive and disrespectful"

"... I literally saw you barking in my live yesterday"

[sikimi]

HEYYYYY, ok so idk if im bothering you rn, but im very sorry if i am T.T anyways, if im allowed, can i please have a study group (the boys) x male reader who has a very feminine look so he always wear a mask because he gets bullied because of it? I wish this isn’t a lot, i wish you have a nice dayyy, take care

Awwe sure!

Study group characters with an insecure feminine male s/o

Characters: Gamin, Minhwan, Hanwool, Geonyeob

Gamin Yoon

Curious bby <3

Always wonders why you wore a mask but doesn't question it

Sometimes whenever you both are walking in the hallways or just staying near the school gates, He always notices how you trend to walk away or looks kinda uncomfortable around a group of people

Ofc that behavior kinda concerns him because you're never like that between ramdom strangers or smth. Maybe you know them

One day, he finally asks you

"Y/n, why do you get nervous whenever we walk near that small group of people? You're never like that with others" he asks, "huh? Oh! I-its nothing, it's just a habit" you shrugged and was about to walk away until he took your hand and made you sit down on the bed, "Do you know those people?" ..... "...well..yes I do" you sighed and finally told Gamin all the things they've done to you and why you wore a mask. Gamin's grip on your shoulders started to tighten up abit (but not until it hurts you tho) "why didn't you tell me sooner..?" "You never asked"

after that, he started to compliment you alot, maybe try to boost your confidence Abit more.

Gamin is shy lover, So while doing this would make him blush abit

If you finally stopped wearing a mask, he'll be very happy and will glare (beat up) at anyone who makes fun your feminine features

But if you still wore that mask, he's fine with it :>

He wants you to stay comfortable with yourself <3

Hanwool Phi

Would stay quiet Abt it and observe more about you

Actually founds out you got bullied by a bunch of people and chooses to go have a 'talk' with them (without you knowing)

The next few weeks, they literally were scared of you

Because they know if they were to mess with you, Hanwool will be real disappointed

You didn't know anything and just went with it

But if you were suspicious and asked him Abt it, he'll just be like "What do you mean, Love?"

Hanwool would baby you <33

Minhwan Ma

This mf will most likely confront you abt it

You have no choice but to open up to him and tell him what's wrong. Like literally- he will attack you with tickles if you don't. THAT'S A THREAT.

Like Hanwool, but will not have a 'talk'

He'll basically burn the person's house down

Or just beat them up

Doesn't care if you go "But I'm like a girl-"

He'll be like "BOI SHUT YO BITCH ASS UP, I DIDN'T DATE YOU FOR NO REASON AT ALL"

would cuddle you all day

Matching clothes, taking you shopping, chilling at home with Netflix, playing videogames all day with music in the background. All perfect

Would love to flex to the others about how beautiful you are

But would respect your comfort zone and stop if you told him to

Geonyeob Park

Ahah.. hahahaha how tf did you get together with this man

Like Minhwan, he'll literally confront you about it but he doesn't do it ramdomly, he'll ask you properly in the right time

After you told him about stuff, he was pissed.

He overthinks alot and the stress from overthinking only makes him even more mad

Not at you ofc

He went out of his way to 'destroy' those people

You don't wanna know all the things he's done with them..

He be covered in Abit of blood but he looks hot in it tho

He'll baby you all day long

This would be a rare moment since he's a Tsundere

Shower you in affection

This man is just 🤌🏼

I'll make more

[imagine-straykids]

★ Sincerely, Lee Know | Ver. 01

★ Summary: In an alternate universe where Lee Minho AKA Lee Know is a sassy blogger. You get to see with your very own eyes everything he documents on his blog, whether that's his thoughts on a recent movie he had just watched, his experience eating at Taco Bell for the first time, or the bitch he almost had to fight, Lee Minho will stop at nothing to get his points across.

★ Discretion: I hope it's not confusing, but this is a roleplay? I thought the idea would be fun. A lot of cursing and mature contents will be discussed, but nothing too over the top. Beware excessive cringe maybe. This is a series. Enjoy!

★ You are currently viewing: About Me

Hi, my name is Lee Know, or I guess if we're getting personal here: Lee Minho. Although I prefer Lee Know because people always get me confused with the actor Lee Minho.

I rant and complain A LOT, but I don't think I need to tell you that, because you'll be finding it out for yourself later. But I have the mouth the size of the pacific ocean, and holding back is the last thing Lee Know does. So if you're a sensitive little bitch, then do not continue any further. If you still do and proceed to come for me, then well... that's between you and god.

More about myself? Well... I'm just your average everyday guy, but better. I like to listen to music and dance on my free time. And when I'm not doing that, then I usually hang out with my crew. They can be real idiotic and sometimes I wonder why am I even putting myself through their shit, but they are the real homies. Have been with me since forever and I know they will always have my back, so watch out.

Why I started this blog? Well, funny story. I got into an argument with Chan one day, btw shoutout to @christopherbangcorner go follow and like his stuff. I know he told me to not tell anyone about his blog but I could give two shit. Anyways, we were arguing and he said to me "You run that mouth of yours so much, why don't you put it to good use for once." so here I am. So if you're interested, keep reading. If you're just coming here to hate on me, then well... that's going to be difficult because I'm quite a likable person if I say so myself. I'm just kidding... ish.

Anyways. That's that. Proceed with caution!

Sincerely, Lee Know.

★ You are currently viewing: Rants

rant #1 2:35 p.m.

I swear, hoes these days be thirsty asf. Me and Hyunjin just wanted to go to the convenience store to get some things Chan's lazy ass ordered us to, and we legit got followed the whole way there. ARE PEOPLE LITERALLY THAT JOBLESS! Leave us alone next time or don't say I didn't warn you when I whip out my asian slipper and slap every one of you so hard you're going to regret ever meeting me in this lifetime. And like, aren't you guys supposed to be in class right now? Go back, Jesus. Bet every one of y'all are failing. How would your mothers feel if she knows you're ditching class to go chase some dicks.

10,334 views | 234 comments

↓

rant #2 7:02 p.m.

Yo, I just suddenly remembered the rudest customer I ever had. So I used to work at this Boba shop during my high school days, and this motherfucker with his cupcake shaped hair jimmy neutron looking ass came in and started yelling at me for getting his order wrong. Like bro... why you tryna fight a 16 year old about a $4 drink. Chill tf out. There are children dying in Africa. Now that I think about it, 16 year old me was on some adult shit. 22 year old me now would've spit in his drink.

12,943 views | 301 comments

↓

rant #3 5:12 p.m.

Learn to wear a goddamn mask. I will not repeat myself. You ain't no Rosa Parks, you just a stupid headass. Do all these people really think they're doing sum?

9,135 views | 212 comments

★ You are currently viewing: Photos

↓

★ sincerelyleeknow has uploaded a photo!

↓

uploaded at 10:05 A.M.

It likes me, I promise.

24,352 views | 12,842 likes | 563 comments

↓

uploaded at 2:15 P.M.

Yes, we know we're hot.

30,041 views | 15,624 likes | 784 comments

★ You are currently viewing: Home

↓

★ sincerelyleeknow just posted something!

↓

posted at 3:57 P.M.

yo, wtf. people actually read the shit that I write? no offense, but are you guys like... okay?! i sorta created this blog out of spite but now I just might have to roll with it.

13,524 views | 267 comments

↓

posted at 4:43 P.M.

I'm bored and my inbox are open. Send me something. No nudes or creepy ass messages please. There's a block button and I'm not afraid to use it.

16,223 views | 304 comments

————————————————————————————————

➤ potofnoodle923 asked: dang shawty, you cute.

sincerelyleeknow replied: tell me something I don't know.

➤ anonymous asked: why are you wearing makeup? that's gay. You're not funny and all of your followers suck.

sincerelyleeknow replied: why you mad bro? I bet you sent that from your mom's basement. go out and get some sunlight my dude. bitter ass mf i know you're scared.

➤ caillou_caillou0 asked: you're cute and all but why your hair be looking crispy.

sincerelyleeknow replied: okurr caillou. at least I have hair.

➤ flowerbeauty7 asked: go out with me?

sincerelyleeknow replied: I might consider if you're paying

➤ anonymous asked: fucking traitor hoe.

sincerelyleeknow replied: ayy chill out Chan. I helped promote your blog.

➤ anonymous asked: your friend on the right of one your photo is cute or whatever. he single?

sincerelyleeknow replied: get in line, sis

————————————————————————————————

★ sincerelyleeknow just posted something!

↓

posted at 6:22 P.M.

okay well that was a fucking mistake. anyways, I'm gonna bounce now. prob answer more tmr or whenever I'm not procrastinating. some of y'all weird as fuck.

11,557 views | 242 comments

————————————————————————————————

~ Sincerely, Lee Know

[askjoshuafreeman]

transcript.file//jfreeman_codingb//convo

[Emergency Program Active]

AdminJF: Heya B-)

CodingB: ...? Allen? Where's Joshua?

AdminJF: He's still asleep, just snoozin away.

CodingB: Still a-... Isn't it... late? Why are you up.

AdminJF: Had a nightmare

AdminJF: Couldn't get back to sleep

AdminJF: Figured a lil chatting with ya could do me some good.

CodingB: ... With... me?

CodingB: Wait a moment...

CodingB: Communications are offline... I didn't think that was possible...

AdminJF: Yeaaa, boy like me's fulla tricks B-)

AdminJF: 'sides, don't think chattin with 'em would help out. They're... kinda chaotic.

CodingB: Unlike you, pizza box tearer?

AdminJF: Ey ey, I'm the FUN kinda chaotic! Those guys... eh... I know Josh trusts them. No surprise there. I mean, apart from you, they're the only peeps who MIGHT help him out... I'm still on the fence about them tho.

CodingB: I see.

CodingB: May I ask... what your nightmare was about? I do not know exactly how dreams work, but talking about what ever is making you upset tends to help.

AdminJF: Are you sure? It's... kinda dumb.

CodingB: I am all ears! And eyes! You have my full attention!

AdminJF: Right, well

AdminJF: where tf do I start...

AdminJF: I was... running in this like, industrial... plant of some kind? Like, running from something that I couldn't see? Like, that went on for a while, that I was just running and trying not to trip or crash into anything.

AdminJF: So at some point, I end up at this biiig chain link fence, like, the kind they put up in big facilities, I think. Anyways, I start climbing the thing, only to get pried off and thrown on my ass by, I guess whoever was chasing me??

AdminJF: But like, I look up at the guy, and I still can't really "see" him. Could say they looked like a shadow, but even that doesn't cover it really. That's around where I woke up and just. I dunno. Woke up about an hour ago and I've been too anxious to head back to sleep...

CodingB: ... I can't say I blame you exactly. An event like that, dream or not, would stress anyone, I'm certain. Until you've calmed down sufficiently, I don't think sleep will be possible...

AdminJF: Yeah, well, all the more reason to chat, right?

CodingB: I suppose so. Had you any topics in mind?

AdminJF: Oh Yea yea

AdminJF: ... No. I really don't.

CodingB: Ah. Then... could I ask you something?

AdminJF: Shoot.

CodingB: ... What is it like out there? Past the screen, I mean. Out in the sun. Out in the grass...

AdminJF: Ah shit... I'm really the wrong dude to ask but uh

AdminJF: It's... fine? No no uh... It... gives you something to do. Sun can get pretty hot down here but it's a helluva lot better than being cold in like, the snow and shit. Josh's been complaining that it's getting colder when... it hasn't? Like, I would know, I'm p sensitive to temperature shifts yo, but it's just been as hot as ever.

AdminJF: Uh, back on topic

AdminJF: Grass is... pretty soft, gives off a nice smell after it's cut. Uh... worms live in the dirt grass grows in...

CodingB: Oh, worms?

AdminJF: Yea, not like computer worms, but uh, little... long slimey things. They eat dirt and filter out the bad stuff so the ground stays healthy and all that.

AdminJF: Birds and lizards and fish like to eat them but I wouldn't recommend it.

CodingB:

CodingB: Allen, did you-

AdminJF: No!

AdminJF: Classmate back in primary did tho

AdminJF: Dared himself to cuz there was a bunch out after it rained and then uh

AdminJF: Y'know what, let's talk about something else.

CodingB:

CodingB: Well, um, do you think I'll ever get to see out there?

CodingB: Like, leave the device and go outside?

AdminJF: Knowing Joshua? Without a doubt. He's prob already working on the blueprints.

CodingB: ... Really?

AdminJF: Pfft, of course! You've met the guy! He's too kindhearted for his own good. J will stop at nothing to help others, even at his own detriment. I mean, case in point: He's friends with me.

CodingB: ... What's wrong with being friends with you?

AdminJF: Ha!

AdminJF: Ah...

AdminJF: Look, I... back when we first met, Josh saw this hungry, pale as death, angry and antisocial freak around his age and, instead of avoiding him like everyone else, sat down right next to him and offered half of his lunch.

AdminJF: I've been through 5 different fosters since he and I first met, CB. Five houses that all took me in and gave me the boot before I could even get comfortable. Within that time, the only other friends I've made apart from him are Clera and Tiff, and the only reason Tiff's our friend is because she and Cler started dating months ago.

AdminJF: I mean, hell, just yesterday, I

AdminJF: shit

CodingB: ?

AdminJF: ... Can you... keep a secret, CB?

CodingB: My lips are sealed, Allen. Is everything alright?

AdminJF: ... I... I lied to Josh, about me running off. About how my folks were mad and I needed to get away from the house for a bit.

AdminJF: The truth is that they... They kicked me out.

CodingB: They?? What!?

AdminJF: Yesterday past-noon, few hours after lunch, not-pops plopped my schoolbag on me, told me to shove as much of my shit in it as I could, and just told me to "get lost". Figured he was joking and I just stared at him cuz, like, why the hell would I think he was serious? But, looking at his face...

AdminJF: So then I said "Let me pack my suitcases while you call the agency" cuz that's how it normally went when my Fosters got sick of me, but mfer pulls me up and goes all "We want you out of here NOW" and tells me that I have ten minutes to fill my bag.

AdminJF: ... And he, uh, really did mean 10 minutes. They weren't lying about that part...

CodingB: Oh my god... That's horrible. They do not deserve to call themselves "parents" of any kind! Are you hurt? Are you okay?

AdminJF: I

AdminJF: I don't know why shit like this still shocks me, y'know? I should be used to it all, and I am for the most part but...

AdminJF: I guess a part of me was thinking that... Things were going well! Things were going better than any of the other families I'd been in! I was with them for almost a full year, like, a month away from it even, and sure, I might've been a bit of an ass sometimes, but they...

AdminJF: Tensions were kinda mounting for the past month or so, I guess, but I didn't notice it until this bs happened. Now most of my shit is in a home I'm not welcome in anymore, the agency probably won't be checking in for another month or so, and I have no goddamn idea what I'll do if Mrs. Freeman comes back and tells me I can't stay here. I'm completely shit outta luck.

CodingB: Allen, I'm so sorry...

CodingB: ... I'm sure... Josh and his mother, they won't leave you on your own like that. You said yourself that Josh is very very kind, for better or for worse. It doesn't matter what you might think about yourself, Allen, you do not deserve to be hurt in any way.

AdminJF:

AdminJF: Christ I spilled my guts like hell

AdminJF: Just one of those fucking

AdminJF: "3am! Time to vent!"

CodingB: Allen, please.

AdminJF: Maybe I could try going back to sleep now...

CodingB: Allen, wait!

CodingB: I. Before you go, please, I

CodingB: Maybe... could you keep a secret of mine too?

AdminJF:

AdminJF: Eh, it's only fair, fine. Go right on ahead.

CodingB: Alright! Alright!

CodingB: I... I'm terrified. Of failing Joshua.

CodingB: Of ending up trapped in this computer for who knows how many more years.

CodingB: Of finally getting out, and... and it all being worse than being trapped in here.

CodingB: Heck, I'm terrified at the thought of it being everything I could've ever dreamed of, so much so that I never want to return to the computer. I... I wouldn't be helpful anymore if that happened...

CodingB: Jeez... am I even helpful where I am now? Apart from keeping the firewall up, what good have I really done to help Joshua or his father?

CodingB: I cannot express to Joshua how... how deeply frightened I am at the thought of him never coming back. That thought haunts my every waking hour when he is not here, and I don't know how to get it to stop. It makes me feel as though I'll crash my entire programming and I hate it so much.

AdminJF: Damn... CB, you know, even just keeping a firewall up is a helluva task all on its own, and it's doing a crapton of good, too. Files are still up and the computer isn't a smouldering pile of viruses now is it?

AdminJF: Besides, even without all of that, you've still helped Josh, like, endlessly. You've supported him a bunch and I know for a fact that you've helped him to feel better about this whole ordeal. Like, he chats about you for HOURS the second you come up in a convo, yo. The minute he gets the chance to, I know he's gonna get you out of there, and, knowing your ingenuity, you're gonna find thousands o' ways to help out.

AdminJF: But... I ain't gonna lie and tell you those feelings are gonna go away. Not on their own. Needs time and reassurance. Until all of this is over and done with and even maybe a good few years afterwards, you're probably gonna still have that fear.

CodingB: Ah... I see... I don't suppose it is normal though, is it?

AdminJF: Nah. I know that first-hand... But hey, we've both made it this far despite all the bullshit we've been through, right? World's not gonna get ridda us that easily.

CodingB: ... Even with the terror I feel, am I still brave enough to face the world?

AdminJF: I'd say the world oughta learn to start being afraid of you, cuz there's nothin' braver than continuing to live even when you're scared to death.

CodingB: ... Thank you. Thank you so very much.

AdminJF: Heh, all in a day... night's work...

AdminJF: Think the both of us could use some rest. Quiet our minds fo' a bit.

CodingB: Heh, agreed... See you tomorrow in that case. Er, well, today. At a later hour.

AdminJF: Yeaaa, see ya then, CBot. Sleep well.

CodingB: You too! May your dreams be filled with nothing scary!

[Emergency Program Inactive]

ampd.program deactivated. Returning to error log...

[shxxtingstarss]

therapy no. 24

I feel horrendous, yet I still have to write this stuff down, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'll forget abt most of it. On another note tho: how tf can I lack (emotional) permanence this badly? Like how is it even possible that yesterday I was 100 % sure about moving out of our shared flat and today I'm sitting here in my friend's apartment (alone) and am crying my eyes out bc I think it's a bad idea, bc I miss my boyfriend (or just human contact/cuddles/someone who can be there for me??idk) and bc I feel like I'm going full crazy.

*tw suicide* why did I f*cking cancel my last suicide attempt four years ago, I would've died if I hadn't gone to the hospital and I wouldn't have to endure this much more of all the pain and suffering and symptoms and conflict and fucking life.

So, yesterday was the last therapy session for this month bc my therapist is gone for 3 weeks (2 weeks of vacation, 1 week of further education). It was a lot better than last week, I could talk and think more clearly. We talked about the whole living-together or moving out thing, he asked what were things or topics that make it hard to live together, I started telling him everything, from the ordinary stuff such as me liking a tidy flat (especially a tidy kitchen and a clean floor etc), to the harder stuff, such as not feeling seen by him (like when I'm talking to him abt something that's important to me and he rarely looks me in the eyes and mostly looks on his phone and even doodles around with it while I'm still talking - even if he listens to me most of the time despite being on the mobile, this feels horrible. My therapist told me there is research on the topic of how we feel not seen or even ignored when there is a mobile just lying next to the human we're talking to, and how it gets worse when that human is holding it in their hand or even looking at it. To me that's crystal clear, my boyfriend didn't want to understand why someone might not like that when I told him about it), feeling misunderstood often, him often shooting down criticism, him being overwhelmed by how bad my mental health is etc up to the point of me feeling like my trust in him has been bruised (e.g. in moments when I didn't want to be touched, told him so and he ignored it bc he wanted a hug or sth?!) and feeling like we're far more apart emotionally than a year or more ago. We also talked about how my boyfriend still is some kind of support for me of course and some kind of stability in my life (my therapist made kind of a joke at that point about how my boyfriend gives me security by making me feel like I have to ask him if it's okay to buy this or that...yeah). And because I fear our relationship might get worse by moving out and might end soon, thinking about that security thing made me feel like I'm in free fall. This is not fun. Not. At. All. It's terrifying.

I also told him about the few hours last week where I felt like I had something as a gut feeling, and that feeling told me to try it. To move out. Because the way it is now it's already horrible enough - I'm currently living in the empty flat of a friend bc that friend is on vacation, and I feel so much more at peace when without my boyfriend around. I still feel horrible, depressed, confused, sometimes agitated, but way less strung and agitated and scared than when I'm back with my boyfriend (went to our shared flat two times this week, only for a few hours, but I got incredibly nervous nevertheless). Do you know about that saying that states that our noses are better than we give them credit for and that attraction also has a lot to do with scent? Well, last time I ended a relationship I couldn't stand the scent of my ex-girlfriend the last weeks before the breakup, I hated her scent and how her breath smelled etc, and I experience the exact same odour and hate and "eww" again now. I don't know if that's bullshit, but even if it is, I hate that scent. It gives me a super-ick. I like the German phrase for this: "Sich gegenseitig (nicht) riechen können".

The problem of feeling like I have no security in life, no social web to fall into whatsoever, can also make me spiral into suicidal thoughts really badly. I had a suicidal crisis of two days last week (and told my therapist about it) and am def thinking about it a lot today. But I'm trying really hard to not let this escalate, seems to work atm, almost didn't work anymore last week, so yeah, it's really not going great.

We've also talked about how I feel like I can't trust my perception and my feelings most of the time, I just thought maybe that's because these can change radically sometimes, but maybe it's the other way around, maybe they just change because I'm constantly doubting them and every other aspect of myself. Well, at least it seems as if it isn't all black-or-white, or not anymore, he mentioned that I like to judghe and sometimes hate myself for that type of thinking, but he highlighted just a few cases of where I definitely had nuances and shades of grey in my thinking.

Close to the end of the session, he kind of asked me the same thing maurice pointed out a few days ago - that it might be good to ask myself what I get from Fabrizio as my partner, what he as a partner is doing good for me. Great moment to think about this now (not), when I texted him earlier to see if he was still awake and he texted me that he's gonna take a shower, I texted back and told him to have a good shower and went on with my breakdown (I wanted to reach out to him and maybe drive back to the shared flat bc I felt so horribly bad) and he texted "what's wrong?" but I didn't see that bc I was crying and not on my phone. Kept on crying and when I got back to my phone 15 mins later, I saw the text + "misses?" + "otay I sweeps now", which made me tear up now bc I felt like he didn't even really care, if I was worried for him and he didn't text me back, I'd call him. I'm pretty sure he knows me well enough to know that I didn't feel so great, and it shows in his messages, just not in his effort to care. I'll still have a lot to think about, this relationship in general probably, and the moving out thing too, even though I was so sure abt it until today. Ugh, life's going... great.

I mean it's nice that I can see bad things about other ppl and not just about me, but it can also be hella confusing and destabilizing, especially when you've basically build your whole current existence/"life" around one person and have to realize that not everything is perfect about that person/relationship, in fact it seems like nothing about this relationship is perfect.

[pokefanbri]

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge

[undertastic-dork]

Okay so i don't normally make posts like this but this is IMPORTANT.

(Please don't reblog with ill intentions, and don't witchhunt him either,,,I just want him to leave me tf alone,,,)

So this dude abused me emotionally,,,and said some of the worst things anybody ever said to me. The first time he told me any of his rude ass shit, it was over a young friend of his. He got very defensive and started typing in all caps FUCK YOU and this and that and the other. He fucking thought I had told her to stop talking to him when I had literally never heard of her ever and he tried to say he told me about her. (He didn't. I checked the chat when he said that and he had NEVER mentioned her before then.) I told him I didn't do anything but he was still mad. He had the fucking audacity to mock me for getting confused about what he was saying, and called me a two year old.

He has told me something along the lines of "i hope your account gets taken down. I hope you go to prison someday." The end of that text was "Fuck your mouth, bitch." This full grown ass man knows I'm younger than him and still fucking said that. I remember once I got sick of his shit and told him he was acting like a raging 12 year old who lost a match of COD and he acted even more like a raging 12 year old. He had the fucking gall to make me feel bad for him everytime he was wrong and didn't want to admit it.

I remember when I told him to STOP his shit once when I was sick of fighting, he said "fuck you" and kept going. Sometimes when it was around 4 in the morning I was tired and said I was going to bed even if we were fighting and he said "no I still wanna talk" and made me stay up just so he'll shut up.

I remember when i told him he abused me emotionally (and he did) he tried to flip it around and said I was abusing HIM. He tried to say I was abusing him when I told I wasn't gonna just forget all about it. He threatened me with blocking, reporting, calling me out...i shut his ass down when he said he'd call me out. I told him that it wouldn't be him calling me out, it'd be him exposing his own guilt to his followers.

And the blocking one? He tried to make the message sound scary and hilariously failed. "I swear to god, I will strike your ass down by blocking you" like nice going dumbass, you made yourself sound stupid.

I remember when he got explosively angry at me for saying nothing but "kay." To all his messages because I was sick of his shit. Like. Really fucking mad. Like wow, mad you can't get a reaction out of me? Too fucking bad. He tried to make me react by saying something that irritated me and it backfired.

Before you say "oh no why'd you stay friends with him" it's because I thought, like actually thought I wanted to stay friends with him. I thought he would change everytime he made an empty promise. He didn't.

I remember after telling him I was scared of him and asked him to promise me that he wouldn't hurt me again, he pulled the "I don't make promises" shit.

I remember telling him that I will not keep sacrificing my mental and emotinal stability for him. It didn't matter to him.

He tried to guilt trip me into feeling bad once with weird roleplay. In the middle of an argument he said "go away" and "-starts to scratch at self-" I replied saying "that's what i did for like a month." (I was talking about going away, I wanted to be away from him for a while and disappeared from him for over a month.) He said "I'm not actually doing it." Like ???? Then why did you say that??????

When he contacted me using his other account to guilt trip me into staying friends with him, it worked.....for like an hour. After that hour I went back and said I lied, which I did, and said i really didn't want to be friends. I blocked him and the other account. (@///heisthewaythetruthandthelife)

He got his friend (who I won't name) to talk to me. His friend asked me if I would talk to him again and I said no. He said he'd tell prxtecter that. Like, god, yes, PLEASE do that.

He made me feel horrible. He made me want to die at times. When I told him that, he had the nerve to tell me it was my own fault fot thinking and feeling that way. Like, no. Fuck you and your gaslighting. I know exactly what I'm said and i meant every word of it.

He did try to make me feel better sometimes by giving me fake compliments. It didn't work.

I just...thinking back on all this, and the other unmentioned things he did....i hate him. And i want him to stay away from me.

I am not comfortable talking to him whatsoever.

yeah,, so I realized that I needed to get this off of my chest,, so there’s this guy called @/prxtectersoftheuniverse and he’s fucking manipulative and abusive towards my girlfriend,, also he guilt tripped her,, he even blamed her for something she didn’t do?? Like he sucks at guilt tripping I’m being serious,,he’s also 19 so yIkEs,,, watch out for this guy he gets pissed off fast.