#and then I’m going to be out allll day tomorrow for school shit and I won’t get a chance to eat it

[antxnous]

so sad bc I saved chicken to eat after class but I had to do a group project and I got home late and I have to be up early and it feels like the “eat chicken” window is closed

[im-done-arent-you]

Conversations You’d Have While Dating John Bender

Bender: “If I died, how much would you miss me?”

(Y/N): “It’s cute that you think death can get you out of this relationship.”

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(Y/N): “Jesus it’s cold!”

Bender: “Here, take my jacket, I’m not even that cold.”

(Y/N): “Thanks, I’ll give it back tomorrow at school.”

*later, at (Y/N)’s house after everyone has gone home*

(Y/N), aggressively inhaling in Bender’s jacket while curled up with it: “I’m never giving this back.”

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 Bender and (Y/N): *staring into each other’s eyes*

Andy: *opens a soda can*

(Y/N): “We’re having a moment here.”

Andy: “And I’m having a soda, your point?”

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Bender: “I have very high standards. I’d never date anyone clumsy-”

(Y/N) walking in, tripping and falling face first on the floor: “Ah shit, oh, hi guys!”

Bender: “I want them.”

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Bender: “(Y/N), what the hell are you doing?”

(Y/N), feeling Bender’s hair while mumbling: “What the fuck this is so soft and smooth…?”

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Bender: “You have a sweet lookin’ ass.”

(Y/N): “What was that?”

Bender: “You have very nice eyes.”

(Y/N): “I liked the first one better.”

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Teacher: “Okay, here’s the classwork.”

Bender: “Please help me.”

(Y/N), sighing: “You’re lucky you have me.”

Bender: “I know, right? The only thing I know how to do on this paper is write my name.”

(Y/N): “You just spelled it wrong.”

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Bender: “Hey, (Y/N), can you do the thing?”

(Y/N): “What thing?” Bender: “The thing that never fails to make me happy.”

(Y/N): “Oh, okay.” *smiles*

Bender: “Thank you.”

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Bender: *Licks his lips while rolling up his sleeves*

(Y/N): “Jesus take the wheel.”

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(Y/N): “You… you have a face.”

Bender: “Yes. Yes I do.”

(Y/N): “I mean… a nice face. You have a nice face.”

Bender: “Thanks… I think?”

(Y/N): “Oh my gosh. Please just accept my awkward attempts at flirting. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

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Bender: “Is your name Jingle Bells?”

(Y/N): “ No no no no, please don’t, Bender, have mercy-”

Bender: “Because you look ready to go allll the way.”

(Y/N): “Shut up, Bender, it’s the day after Thanksgiving!”

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(Y/N): “Do you know what time it is?” Bender: “Do I look like a weatherman to you?”

(Y/N):

(Y/N):

(Y/N): (Y/N): “What?”

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Brian: “Why do you guys wake up so late? What time do you even go to sleep?”

(Y/N): “I always fall asleep first because Bender always strokes my hair and I snuggle into him until I finally do.”

Bender: “I always disassociate and have an existential crisis, so I never actually know.”

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Claire: *sees Bender and (Y/N) walk into the room holding hands* “So who finally confessed?”

Bender, with a proud smirk: “It was me. I made sure it was real short and sweet.”

(Y/N): “You yelled ‘Listen here you little shit, I have feelings for you and it’s about time you acknowledge them!’ at me from on top of the school roof.”

Bender: “It worked though.”

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(Y/N): “Are you...blushing?”

Bender: “What, no.”

(Y/N): “Did I get the ever-stoic, hardcore, total badass Bender to blush?”

Bender: “No..It’s..It’s the cold.”

(Y/N): “Huh. It’s the cold. And not that I told you ‘Your face is freaking cute and I bet the rest of you is too’?”

Bender, blushing harder: *voice cracks* “N-no.”

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(Y/N): *Drops something* “Oh, fuck me.”

Bender: *smirks*

(Y/N): “That wasn’t an invitation.”

Bender: *Gets closer to (Y/N)*

(Y/N): “I mean it, Bender.”

Bender: “Gets in (Y/N)‘s face with a low hum and a smirk*

(Y/N): *Blushing furiously*

Bender: *puts his hand under (Y/N)’s chin and leans into their ear* “I think we should have pizza for dinner.”

Bender: *Sits back down*

(Y/N): “Oh, for the love of-” *repeatedly smacks Bender with a pillow*

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(Y/N): *kisses Bender’s forehead*

Bender, frowning: “You missed.”

(Y/N): “Huh?” Bender: *Leans forward and kisses (Y/N)’s lips*

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Bender: “What are you doing?”

(Y/N): *Wiggling into Bender’s arms* “Hiding.”

Bender: “....Don’t you mean hugging?”

(Y/N): *Pauses* “Did I fucking stutter? This is my safe place. Now shut up and put your arms around me.”

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Bender: “I have to get something off my chest.”

(Y/N): “Is it your shirt? I hope it’s your shirt. Please let it be your shirt.”

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(Y/N): “I get this weird feeling in my chest every time I see you.”

Bender: “.....Is is heartburn?”

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Bender: “You know, I’m jealous of you?”

(Y/N): “Huh? Why?”

Bender: “Your partner is way hotter than mine.” *walks away*

(Y/N): “Wait- but you’re my- we’re dating...Come back here you little shit!”

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*Bender and (Y/N) kiss*

Allison: “Aww..”

Bender: “Allison i have had it up to here with your bullshit!”

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(Y/N): *Smiles*

Bender: “There it is again.”

(Y/N): “What?” Bender: “You better not smile for anyone else like that. If you do I might have to kill them.”

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(Y/N): "What's your biggest fear?"

Bender: "You."

(Y/N): "Me?!"

Bender: "I'm scared that one day you'll look in the mirror and see yourself as I see you. That you'll realize just how amazing you are, and that you deserve better than me. I'm terrified that you'll leave."

(Y/N), on the verge of tears: "Oh, god, Bender please don't say that. You are the most amazing person I've ever met, I could never leave you. Ever. God, I love you so much more than it's possible to say, you know that? I hate seeing you feel like you aren't enough because you are, Bender, you always have been. You always will be. I love you."

Bender: "Aw, come on, Baby, please don't cry, I love you too."

——————————————————————————————————

(Y/N): *Complains about Bender*

Bender: "I could be a drug addict. Do you realize how lucky you are?"

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Bender: "Where's your liquor?"

(Y/N): "At 11 A.M?"

Bender: "Why, does it move around throughout the day?"

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Andrew: "You deserve an award for putting up with me."

Allison: "You're my award, Andy."

Bender: "You deserve an award for putting up with me, (Y/N)."

(Y/N): "Hell yeah I do. You're a real bitch sometimes."

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*On the topic of how to sneak out of detention*

Bender: "I have a plan."

(Y/N): "No weapons."

Bender: "I have no plan."

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(Y/N): "You know what I did yesterday?"

Bender: "Got prettier?"

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(Y/N): "Damn. We're out of decaf."

Bender: "Well there's no need to get hysterical."

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(Y/N): "I already knew you didn't have any moral qualms about breaking and entering."

Bender: "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

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(Y/N): "Earlier Bender walked into our classroom to see me, saw algebra on the board and yelled 'Oh what the fuck is this, get me an eraser before I pass out!'"

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(Y/N): "So Bender, what do you want to do tonight?"

Bender:  "You, probably."

(Y/N): "You know you said that out loud, right?"

Bender: "Yup, no regret."

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(Y/N): "Has anyone seen Bender?"

Claire: "It's 10 A.M., I would be worried if he was here."

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Bender: "Hi pretty (Y/N). Oh, you're so pretty. But not just your face, your brain. It's like your beautiful brain exploded all over your face."

(Y/N): "Are you drunk?"

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Bender: "I assure you I am the most attractive person in this room."

(Y/N): *Walks into the room*

Bender: "Never mind."

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(Y/N): "Putting a lemon in your water isn't gonna balance out the fact that you chugged seven beers in under thirty minutes last night, Bender."

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(Y/N): "Bender... why do I love you?"

Bender: "Because you're the only one who can tolerate my bullshit and vice versa."

(Y/N): ".............I was gonna say your eyes, but that works too."

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Bender: *About (Y/N)* "My partner is like an oven."

Brian: "Explain."

Bender: "Roasts me."

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(Y/N): "Next time I wanna hurt someone, I'm coming straight to you for help."

Bender: "Aw, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

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Bender: :I'm just sitting here with my empty pizza box, my Coke, and my Baby. *Leans over and kisses (Y/N)'s cheek* I may be out of pizza, but I'm never out of love for them."

(Y/N): *Blushes*

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(Y/N): "Bender no."

Bender, drinking hot Cheeto dust mixed with vodka from a vase: "Bender yes."

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*Sneaking into the teacher's lounge for snacks*

(Y/N): "But how do we not get caught? There are teachers everywhere!"

Bender: "Easy. Keep a cool head and a sweet smile."

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(Y/N): "I drink to forget but I always remember."

Bender: "You're drinking soda."

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(Y/N): "You're a fucking loser."

Bender: "Well you're fucking a loser."

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Bender: *Takes off his shirt*

(Y/N): "What a time to be alive."

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Bender: "Hey, I like your pants."

(Y/N): "Thanks."

Bender: "But, you know, they'd look better on my bedroom floor."

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*During a fight*

Bender: *Rolls his eyes*

(Y/N): "Yeah keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain back there."

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Claire: "Are you a big spoon or a little spoon?"

Bender: "I'm a knife."

(Y/N): "He's a big spoon."

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*Mr. Vernon left his door open*

Bender: "He left his door open!"

(Y/N), looking at Bender: "Slim Jim raid?"

Bender, nodding: "Slim Jim raid."

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*During an argument*

(Y/N): "You are unbelievable, Bender!" *Starts storming out of the room, stops halfway* "Do not watch my ass as I leave!"

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(Y/N ), answering the phone: "Hello?"

Bender: "Hey, it's Bender."

(Y/N): "What'd he do this time?"

Bender: "No, it's actually me, Bender."

(Y/n): "What did you do this time?"

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*Talking about a teacher*

Andrew: "Yeah she's a bitch."

Bender: "Speaking of bitches..." *looks at (Y/N)*

(Y/N), without looking up from their book: " Choose your next words carefully."

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(Y/N): "You shouldn't smoke. It isn't good for you."

Bender: "Fuck off."

(Y/N): "I love you too."

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*When Bender first tells the group about (Y/N) and him dating*

Andrew: "How hot are they?"

Bender: "It doesn't matter what they look like. I mean, they're already the most beautiful person in the world to me."

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Allison: "Are they flirting?"

Claire: "I think so."

(Y/N): "We are not flirting, we are arguing."

Bender: "We're flirting."

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Bender: "Have I ever told you you look like a sexy praying mantis?"

(Y/N): "Every time you drink alcohol."

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Bender: "You know, (Y/N), I've been drinking- I mean thinking-!"

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(Y/N): "It's quiet....too quiet..."

Andrew, bursting into the room: "Bender let a snake loose in the library!"

(Y/N), sighing: "I knew it."

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Brian, on the phone: "(Y/N), what are you doing?"

(Y/N): "Homework."

Bender, taking the phone from (Y/N): "I'm homework."

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(Y/N): "You think you're a better kisser than me?"

Bender: *Raises eyebrows*

(Y/N): "You think you're a better cuddler?"

Bender: *Raises eyebrows further*

(Y/N): "Well come over here and prove it, punk."

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(Y/N): "Claire, tell Bender that he's an idiot but I still love him."

Claire: "Gross, tell him yourself."

(Y/N): "We're in a fight."

Claire: "You're sitting in his lap?"

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Bender: *Lights a match with his teeth*

(Y/N): "You have no idea how hot that is."

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(Y/N): "Bender, you..."

Bender: "I?"

(Y/N): "Um...y-you..."

Bender: "I what?"

(Y/N): "You make my heart have premature ventricular contractions."

Bender: "Huh?"

Brian, from across the room: "They mean you make their heart skip a beat."

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*In a fight*

(Y/N): *Flips Bender off*

Bender, smirking: "Maybe later, Honey." *winks*

(Y/N): *Rolls eyes*

Bender: "Hey! Don't roll your eyes when I allude to fucking you!"

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(Y/N): *Kisses Bender*

Bender: "What was that for?"

(Y/N): "I've been thinking about what makes me happy. You make me happy."

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*After getting caught breaking the rules*

Mr.Vernon: "Did you two really think you were gonna get away with this?"

Bender: "Well, it would be stupid to say yes now."

(Y/N): *Stares blankly at Vernon while nodding in agreement with Bender*

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*(Y/N) is absent from school*

Allison: *About (Y/N)* "Do you miss them?"

Bender: "You can tell?"

Allison: "There are two things in this world you cannot hide. Sneezing and love."

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Andrew: "I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter S."

Claire, looking over at Bender and (Y/N): "Is it sexual tension?"

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(Y/N), to Bender: "Oh, you're touch starved? Wanna hold hands about it?"

[yamithediaperdork]

Cry baby and Pee pants, part 1 (Digimon)

Matt cussed loud and long as he searched though his locker and the dressing room for the 5th time. The young blond had been trying out for a band, hoping to launch his music carer after more or less calling it quits as a digi destined, after barely keeping Tokyo from being blown up by a rouge digimon. This was actually his 6th audition, his young age and well, not exactly stellar skills on the guitar meant that he was told thanks for trying out, but he wasn't right for any of the bands till now. The leaping lizards had gushed over the raw talent being there, and had welcomed him on board, even pouring him a couple drinks of sake despite him being underage to celebrate. The last thing Matt recalled before waking up five hours later was them laughing at how stupid he was and.. Giving up the search, he had to finally admit the truth. they hadn't ever been serious about their offer to join the band and had just wanted to steal his guitar, a newer model and worth at least 300 bucks even being pawned. 'I suppose I should feel lucky I woke up with both kidneys.' Matt thought to himself. 'But how the fuck am I suppose to try out for the lone wolfs in two days with no instrument?' There was NO way he'd be able to get his parents to get him anther guitar, he'd had to basically break out the water works and plead on his knees for a month to get the last one. His antics had earned him the nick name of cry baby around both his dad's house and his mom's, and TK still wasn't letting it go and would ask if baby wanted his ba-ba. That left asking the others for a few loans, and most of them weren't too pleased he'd given up the hero game for fortune. Joe was blowing all his money on his studies anyways, Izzy on computer junk.. Sora and Mimi had been giving him the cold shoulder and he knew neither Kari nor TK would have the cash. '...I wonder if Tai's still hella gay?' Matt though, a Cheshire grin coming across his face. the always needy boy kisser had been good for getting a few video games before and junk, it was like 20 minutes of gay stuff like smooching and cuddling and then a little shopping spree AND Tai had just come into a fat wad of cash after a uncle that adored him had left him a big hefty inheritance. 'I can gay out for like, a hour for this.' Matt thought and getting his bag (and of course finding his wallet dry) he headed towards home, thinking about getting a even better guitar then before.

Tai was shocked when Matt called him the next morning, asking if he could meet up. After Matt had ditched the team only Tai and TK made any real efforts to hang with him, and TK only because they were brothers. In truth Izzy was giving Tai a hard time about it, but since Izzy was being a little bitch about a lot of things lately Tai just ignored his on and off again boyfriend. 'I mean, I was willing to get him that new computer he wanted and he couldn't rock a pamper butt for me? RUDE!' Tai thought and huffed. It was Tai's new fetish, and one he'd discovered by mistake when googling more on that Willis kid and finding out the little cutie had a website set up to show him modeling in diapers. Naturally seeing that Tai had begged and pleaded with Izzy to try out diapers but apparently Izzy had been a late bloomer and had only recently gotten out of daytime diapers before their whole adventure started. Naturally this had only made Tai wanna diaper him more, but again, Izzy was being a little pecker head about it. (at least from Tai's point of view.) 'heh. if Matt is expecting a little shopping spree today..he's in for a surprise. the boy is gonna earn it.' Tai thought, and went and checked on the supplies he kept under his bed on the off chance he lucked into a diaper boy. there they were, 2 packs of the diaper brand Willis recommended on his site, nice and thick, and a few onesies along with a changing pad and pacifiers and a baby bottle. 'Oh yeah..come onnn Matt..be desperate for money~'

Matt made sure to wear a nice tight sleeveless top and a pair of tight jeans (So tight he'd needed TK's help getting into them.) and made sure to spike his hair just the way that Tai liked it. TK wasn't dumb though, and knew what Matt was doing. "Looking good for your sugar daddy Cry baby." He teased and winked. "Your lucky Tai's expecting me, or I'd give you the noogie to end all noogies." Matt said, raising a eyebrow. it was just the two of them at their mothers apartment at the moment and TK used to know better then to push his luck when it was just them. "Mmhhhhmm.. your dadddy calls and cry baby Matt comes running. maybe HE'S gonna give ya yer ba-ba~" TK giggled. the giggles died off as TK saw the look on Matt's face, and when their mom would get back she'd find TK hanging by his undies from a nail on the wall. "...pushed cry baby too far again huh?" she asked, smirking and taking off her jacket. "Y-Yeah..uh..a little help?"TK squeaked. "Righttt after I put the groceries away.. think of this as time to reflect on watching your mouth." mom said and walked away. "B-But my undies are so far up my crack i can taste themmm!" TK whined. "then I don't need to worry about lunch." came the reply. "...Funny fucker aren't you." TK huffed under his breath, crossing his arms. "I hear that!"

Making his way to Tai's Matt got more then a few looks from both guys and girls, and likewise, a few wolf whistles. He ignored them for the most part, but had a smirk on his face knowing just how sexy he looked and soon was knocking on Tai's door. Tai gave him a once over as he opened the door and Matt smirked, he was almost drooling. "So, Like what you see?" Matt asked, and flexed a arm. "heh, Oh yeah. so gonna stand out there and look hot, or come inside and tell me what you want?" Tai asked, standing aside and gesturing into the apartment. "Don' worry, Kari had a school thing out of town and mom and dad are with her.I have you allll to myself." Tai added, slapping Matt's ass as he walked past, making Matt yelp and blush. Still, Matt knew what was expected of him for the most part and just flashed Tai a grin and blew a kiss. 'fucking bastard! he knows i hate spanking stuff!' Matt fumed. Matt went to sit down on the couch by Tai had closed the door and taken a seat in a arm chair, then patted his lap. '..He's totally getting me the latest guitar if he keeps this shit up.' Matt fumed, but walked over and sat on Tai's lap,putting his arms around the bigger boy. Matt might of been taller, but with all the sports that Tai played he had a bulked up look and was pound for pound much stronger. "So, You normally only get THIS dressed up if you want something, so what's my little Mattie need?" Tai asked, cradling Matt in a way that Matt recognized as using back when TK was toddler. "I..I uh..I have a band audition coming up..but some jerk's stole my guitar..and um.." Matt swallowed and then batted his eyes at Tai. "I was wondering, hoping if maybe you'd get me a new one.I've been practicing my kissing and we can cuddle and stuff for like, 2 hours even!" "heh. Well that IS a tempting offer. doubly so when your cute ass is in my lap. but I have a boyfriend if I just wanted to make out with a cutie. and Izzy is willing to go all the way." Tai chuckled. "O-Oh..but..I uh..I'm not..you...know..I'm.." Matt stammered. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna make you suck dick or take it up the poop chute. and I WILL get you whatever kinda guitar you want for your silly little audition which by the way is when?" Tai asked, kissing Matt's forehead and making alarm bells go off in the blond mind. "I-It's tomorrow at 3 pm sharp. And..what do you want then?" Matt asked, a nervous twitch to his voice. "Oh nothing too much. something really easy actually." Tai said and smiled. 'Bullshit' Matt thought but kept the smile on his face. "and that is?..." "For every say.. 20 dollars I spend on your little guitar I get one hour with you being my darling little diaper boy." "..What?!"

Tai smirked as he got ready to put Matt back into padding. the blond was looking huffy as fuck, but was keeping his mouth shut all the same, likely trying not to blow his semi good deal. Tai of course fully understood WHY Matt wouldn't be happy with the deal, but couldn't help but tease the impending little uy a little bit. "Awww come on widdle Mattie, can't you give daddy a smile? Your making daddy think you don't wanna do our widdle deal." He he teased, reaching over and tickling mat''s chin while the blond sat cross legged next to him. "...Your a sick man, you know that?" Matt asked, but he was grinning all the same, though whether it was from the chin tickles or humoring him Tai couldn't be sure. "Flattery will get you everywhere." Tai said with a wink, and as he finished getting the changing pad (with a adorable teddy bear print) set up and the changing supplies ready, he looked over Matt's jeans as he tugged out 3 of the thick puffy diapers. "So, are gonna be able to get out of those by yourself? they almost look spray painted on." Tai asked. "I can totally undress myself!" Matt huffed and stood up, unbuttoning the jeans and sliding his thumbs into the belt loops and tugging. And tugging some more. and then more tugging as they didn't budge. "You were saying?" Tai asked, in a clearly delighted tone. "..Shut up and help me get these things off." Matt huffed.

Matt was crimson after they FINALLY got his jeans off, partly due to the fact it had taken 10 minutes of effort, and well, needing Tai's help to undress. Not helping matters was the fact that Matt had chosen to go commando and well, liked to keep it shaved down there. "Awww somebody was a good boy and knew what was coming and saved daddy some time!" Tai teased. 'oh shut the fuck up!' Matt thought. "Yeah, let's go with that." was his sulky reply. Tai had oddly grabbed a razor blade all the same and cut silts in the back and front of two of the three massive diapers he was planing on putting on Matt, making the blond give his impending 'daddy' a weird look. "It's so when you go tinkle, the wetness is shared and you can go longer in your diapies. Same for when you go boom boom." Tai said cheerfully. THAT had caused the blush to leave Matt's face, at least for a little bit as he paled. "W-Wait.. you mean..you want me to.. uh.. go.." Matt stammered, and the blush returned as he struggled to say the words, then hissed and blew a raspberry. "in my diapers!?!" "..Ok that was hella cute. and Yup, I'm even gonna be nice and let you use them all on your own for today, though if I don't like the results I'm seeing I'll be sure to get you some potty med's to help." Tai said and winked, then patting the changing mat. "come on Little guy, let's get your diapies on and then you can sit in daddies lap while we order you a guitar so you can make music for daddy." "But..I thought we were going and getting one today!" Matt whined. "Oh, does somebody wanna go out shopping in his diapers? So bold!" Tai teased. "NO! I just..uh.." mental images of Matt waddling around in the big bulky diapers, holding Tai's hand and sucking his thumb flooded his mind and he started to squirm lots even as he laid down on the changing pad. "Don't worry. I'll pay for rush delivery. if we get it in town it'll be here by this afternoon. Maybe I'll let my little exhibitionist answer the door." Tai teased, and grabbed the first diaper. '...I could really go for anther glass of sake right now.' Matt thought and lifted up his butt like a good boy.

Back at the apartment TK was having pain fueled day dreams of all the times his undies hadn't of been lodged up his crack and wished his mom would hurry up and come and get him down. Not helping the whole situation was the fact that he had a growing bladder issue and any attempt's to shift around and relive the pressure there only made the undies ride up more. His mom had gone from putting things away to excuse herself to the bathroom, an like she was the worlds greatest comedian she'd told him not to move, and to hang in there. TK had wisely kept his opinions of her humor to himself as he had a sneaking suspicion that his earlier comments had helped extend his wedgie time. Still as the need to tinkle grew more and more TK couldn't keep quiet. "MOMMY! I hafa go pee! if you don't wanna clean up a puddle you needa get me down NOW!" He called. the bathroom door opened and Nancy walked out, smirking. "Why didn't you say something sooner wedgie boy?" she asked, taping a finger on his nose. "...You were just waiting in there!?!" TK shouted and huffed, crossing his arms and glaring. Sadly as his attention was focused on his mom and being mad at her, it was diverted from where it needed to be. "Well you were being a little brat an-" She started, then looked down as a hissing noise was heard and looked at the growing wet patch on the front of TK's undies, and the puddle that was starting to form on the floor. "Really?" "T-This is your fault!" TK huffed even as she grabbed him under the arms and lifted him down, though holding him away from her so she didn't get any pee on her. The flow was weakling and stopping as she got him on his feet, turning him so he could add to the puddle while not standing in it since he was in socks. (not that they weren't already wet) "Mhmm.. Well go and finish in the bathroom and clean up." She said, rolling her eyes then noticed a super guilty look on TK's face. "The..flow DID stop because you got it under control right?" She asked, a smirk tugging on her face. "Er..well..see.." TK said, rubbing the back of his head and chuckling nervously. "Go grab a shower pee pants, and meet mommy in your room. you know the rule for pant's wetters in this house." She said and turned away to go and get the mop and bucket as TK whined. "MOOOM! NOT THE PULL UPS!"

Back at Tai's and Matt was powdered and tapped in his triple thick white diapers, and squirming like crazy as he looked at himself in the mirror. Tai had tugged off his shirt so at the moment Matt was JUST in his white socks and white diapers, and he couldn't even close his legs! and as bad as it looked from the front, once he turned around and looked over his shoulder it was WAY worse in the back! He hadn't of even been able to get to his feet without Tai's help (well, he was gonna use Tai's bed to pull himself up but Tai had insisted daddy was here to help) and to say he was waddling was a massive understatement. "So what do you think little guy?" Tai asked, coming up behind him and making Matt look front ward in the mirror again, kissing Matt's cheek as he patted Matt's fat diapered bottom. "...I feel like I'm gonna knock lamps off of end tables, and there should be a beeping noise when i back up!" Matt whined. "heh, cute idea. I'll see what i can rig up for your next diaper day with daddy." Tai chuckled and kissed Matt's cheek. 'I need to stop giving him ideas.' Matt mentally groaned. "Can I at least put my shirt back on or something? or you have some shorts I can put over these? I wanna try and cover the diapers up!" Matt whined. "oh, You're just in luck little guy! Daddy DOES have something to go over your adorable huggies." Tai said. The old familiar warning bells were going off in Matt's head as Tai went and reached under the bed, and pulled out two onesie's, or as Matt called them, diaper shirts. One was light blue with a yellow trim on the sleeves, neck and leg hole, and had a yellow star on the front, that had a smiling face and said 'daddies little star' under it in yellow text. the second one was a white one with a dinosaur print all over it, and Matt fought the urge to facepalm. 'I really need to start watching my goddamn mouth.' he thought. "So buddy, what do you thin? wanna be my widdle star, or a dino boy?" Tai asked. "Gee, they're BOTH so tempting." Matt said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. If Tai noticed though he didn't show it and just nodded instead. "You're right, I'll pick for you." '...REALLY need to just keep my effing mouth shut!'

In the end Tai went with the little star onesie, though he'd over estimated just how thick he could go and still use them as it was a bit of a fight to get the crotch snaps to close. "I think after we get you your little guitar, we'll go shopping and get more cute outfits for my widdle musician." Tai said. He could tell Matt was less then pleased, but the boy forced a smile on his face and nodded. "whatever you want ta-" he started to say. "ah ah ah, when your butt is in diapers, it's DADDY. Got it?" Tai said, wagging a finger and smirking. "..Yeah OK." Matt replied, rolling his eyes. "yeah OK what?" Tai questioned, the grin getting bigger. "...Yeah OK daddy." Matt said, smiling but clenching his teeth. Tugging Matt over/ helping the padded cutie keep his balance, Tai sat down in his big comfy computer chair and tugged Matt into his lap, giving the big baby's neck a kiss. "Now did you have a certain store in mind, or just want me to google and shop around?" Tai asked.

[landoftheoutsiders]

So I figured I would do an experiment on myself. I was already planning on doing a stream of conscious type thing tonight to try to figure out what some of the thoughts were that went through my head regarding my eating disorder... then I thought: but what if we added food? So. I have officially consumed an appropriate meal. There were many breaks, and holy fuck I haven’t been this bloated or in pain from food since being in a meal group (I’m also going to actually die if/when I try meal group again) while in treatment. I have walked my dog, smoked my two cigarettes, and I plan on being uninterrupted for the next hour or so. This, so far, is a bad idea... hopefully it won’t get any worse. This is completely unfiltered, so now is your chance to look away if you are triggered easily.

     First of all, I’m getting weighed tomorrow and this is not part of my weigh-in ritual. So I’m freaking out. I feel like most people that aren’t supposed to be losing weight who have weigh-ins regularly actually want to be heavier than they are. For some reason, I want to know what my actual weight is, and I would prefer for it to keep going down. (Also, kind of random, but I’m mad at how my Spotify put on Paint Me Black by Ben Hazlewood, and this is the verse that I just heard, “Stuck in my eye line is my one goal to make me happy, it's time that you go. I know I'm starving but I'll fill my hunger, I'll come alive and bring the thunder.” I hate everything.) Anyways, uh, so rituals before weigh-ins. I don’t eat usually around 24 hours beforehand. So I’m already panicking. I know my weight is going to be higher than what it was the week before, and I should be at the very least okay with that, but I’m not. I’m also pissed off at the fact I’m drinking soda because I normally only drink coffee or water. My “cheat drinks” are the ones I get from Starbucks, which I’m sure has more calories than a soda does, but I’m not in as much pain afterwards, and they help me feel better if I haven’t eaten that day. Basically, I don’t eat 24 hours beforehand, and I don’t drink anything until I go in the day of. I want it to be only my body weight without food or water weighing it down. I’m not even allowed to know my weight anymore, and I still do this shit which doesn’t make any sense, whatsoever. 

      I could have done all of this tonight. Crashy has been asleep since a solid 6pm, and my social media is actually fairly quiet. There was no one to make me eat tonight which is rare. I was definitely planning on it after last night too. Crashy and I went to go see Infinity War, and beforehand, he asked me if I had eaten that day. I was already laying down, so I ignored him and pretended to be asleep. Thought I was home free. So we go see the movie, I’m an emotional wreck because I wasn’t prepared to see anything that happened. I was crying and whisper-screaming no frantically at the screen. We were all a tragic mess in that theatre. We’re walking out to go to the car, and Crashy states that we’re going to Cookout. I asked him why. He asked if I had eaten that day (mind you, its almost 2am at this point), and FOR SOME REASON, just like George Washington, I cannot fucking tell a lie when it comes to this damned disorder. So now after the emotional roller coaster of Infinity War, we’re going to Cookout. I was in full panic mode, and I only got a cheeseburger, removed one of the buns, and asked if Crashy could put something on so I could at least be distracted. What comes on? The Office. Safe, right? Nope. It was the weightloss episode. And all I hear as I’m about to take a bite is Darryl saying, “y’all need to learn some portion control,” and Dwight saying, “Oh wait, Pam is on the scale,” then Michael saying, “We would love your extra poundage, but...” and I’m internally screaming. Thankfully Crashy saw the humour in it and changed the episode, but fuck me. So I wait until we’re almost home before I start eating so I can immediately get out of the car to smoke. 

     Eating has just gotten so hard recently. Like, my really disordered moments haven’t happened as often as they have recently in a while. Earlier this week, Tree and I went to go talk to Dr. B to talk to her about her book she wrote. She let us read the rough draft, and naturally we had questions. Afterwards, Tree and I waited for one of her friends to come to group so we could say hey and leave, but we ran by Starbucks first. I wasn’t planning on eating that day, but she had to and I felt like I’d be a shitty friend if I didn’t eat that day too (logic isn’t the greatest here, but hey, I’m eating). We get to the speaker in the drive thru and she orders my protein box that is a semi-safe 350 calories. I can attempt to do that. (Mind you, this is the same meal that led me to call Pink the week prior to tell him that my eating disorder was in fact, “that bad” and I should probably try to go to meal groups). They didn’t have my protein box. Instant relief. Then the lady says that they have some other protein box. Instant panic. The first thing that falls out of my mouth is, “how many calories are in it?” I asked Tree several times, and she wasn’t asking the barista, so I did, and there are 580 calories in it. The barista asks if I still wanted it, and I’m speechless trying to do calculus in my head to figure out what on earth was making it that high, and before I could say no, Tree said that I would take it. What is the first thing I do when I receive my box? I put it in the floorboard. I carried it out to the parking lot where we met Tree’s friend, and it stayed on the ground for a solid 20-30 minutes before I realized that I should probably eat it at the treatment center where I had people around me, otherwise, I wouldn’t have eaten it. I couldn’t bear the thought of eating it the way it came, so I went inside to the kitchen before groups got out to wipe off all of the sauces and roasted tomatoes while praying that a therapist wouldn’t walk in on what I was doing. Once I fixed my sandwich, we went back outside and maybe 30 more minutes passed until we started the process of eating. I had my box and Tree had her goldfish which was a lovely appetizer before her dinner. After finishing, I really had the urge to purge. This is something that has been slightly concerning, but I’ve just never brought it up because I physically can’t... but there have been so many times where I have tried over and over again, relentlessly, but my reflex just won’t let me do it. So I end up sitting next to the toilet angry with a few tears, frustrated because I can’t even do that right. But that day I found myself in the hallway with the perfect opportunity to attempt. Reluctantly, I decided to try, and then one of the therapists came around the corner and scared the shit out of me. Instantly changed my mind lol. 

     We left right before the group after dinner started, and I was in a really dark spot. I felt like no matter how hard I tried, this disorder would always have a grip on me, and I was going to be like this until the day I died--constantly fighting thoughts telling me I shouldn’t be eating. I mentioned this to Tree and her friend before we left. Tree reminded me that Recovered (a therapist there) had an eating disorder. She and I have often talked about picking Recovered’s brain about what its like to work with eating disorders, how she handles it, etc. So I decided I’d ask the question that had been circling my brain for the past hour: does it ever actually get better or even just easier? Surprisingly, but not really, she said that it does get easier. I’m not surprised because it honestly makes sense that it would get easier as long as I kept fighting for recovery, but I think I was surprised at how much it comforted me to hear from someone who knows what its like to be inside my brain say that. It helped, but I was still in a dark place, so I went to go look at things for my new apartment and to look at all of the cute animals in Petco. I really want a saltwater tank, so I talked to one of the associates for almost 30 minutes about salt tanks and the types of fish there are, etc. It was nice to have a non-eating disorder related conversation. Still though, my brain wasn’t really in a better place, so I decided to go to Target. My other happy place. Long story short, I have razors again. I gave my stuff up to Pink a while ago. 

     That was one of the hardest things I think I’ve done in therapy. I’ve given up razors before, but I’ve always kept the one. It was like a reminder of what I’ve gone through. It was like my scale. I took it everywhere. It was in my wallet. It was always there just in case. Fuck. I missed having it. I missed the feeling. So I bought more. I have a whole pack now. I haven’t done anything yet, but they’re there. This is one reason why I’m planning on getting a tattoo soon because I need that feeling. It feels the exact same way. 

     Speaking of things I miss, I was looking through old pictures on my laptop a week or two ago. We’re talking about the laptop from high school at the peak of my eating disorder. This piece of technology has allll of my old thinspo pictures from the several collections I had on my phone. Then I found my body checks. Honestly. I think that the body check pictures fucked me up more than the thinspo did. Some of the stuff I’ll reblog on here, I’ll think to when I used to be that size. Its weird looking at pictures like that now because before I thought I’d never make it, and now that I have and I think about what it was like being at that weight, I feel bad for the person in the picture because I know how much they’re hurting (to an extent of course), but I also cant help but to miss it for myself. I took pictures of the pictures to show Pink if he asked what pictures I was talking about. When I was explaining what time period was that the pictures were taken, you could just see the “oh fuck” expression come across his face lol. Not that I was happy to see him at that emotion, but you have to find the humour in the mess or else I’d be more depressed than I already am. 

     Speaking of Pink though, I was definitely going to show him this because I figured that it would be helpful for him to get a glimpse of me being vulnerable for once, but now I’m not so sure to be honest. I feel like this will get me put back in iop or php because fuck did we get dark. 

     Back to the picture thing though, I think the thing that fucked me up the most was that in the beginning, I remember promising myself that I’d stop when I could see my collar bones, then my hip bones, then it got out of hand, and before I knew it, I caught a glimpse of being able to see every vertebrae in my spine and every rib from my ribcage if I bent down. I remember going to my best friend at the time, Chrisley, and completely panicking. Why didn’t he tell me that I was that small, why didn’t anyone tell me? Why did people just ask if I had lost weight? Of fucking course I had. Why couldn’t I see the weight loss? Why did I still look like I did when I started losing weight? Nothing made sense at that moment. And somehow, the torture I had done to my body still wasn’t enough. You’d think that a person would remember all of those feelings and those feelings would keep them from making the same mistake. I have completely convinced myself that I will be okay with hitting 100. Oh, and thats because I got close to 110 and quickly realized that wasn’t enough. The fucked up part is that I’ll have a “normal day of eating” (meaning I’ll eat one meal... maybe two) and convince myself that I don’t have an eating disorder, or my disorder isn’t that bad. Same thing if I gain weight. God, it feels like it creates a physical sense of ambivalence deep within me. I fear I’m wasting Pink’s time, but I also haven’t fully made the decision to go back into my disorder completely. For some reason that physically hurts to even type, let alone verbalize. I’ve said it only once to Tree, and then later that night I found myself throwing up at a bar because I drank too much to numb out the thought that I may be falling back into my eating disorder completely. 

     I think I have a problem of letting people go/accepting when people leave my life--even in a professional setting. I get attached. There was one session where Pink made the comment where he said something among the lines of, “do you think that working with me is still helpful?” I remember feeling my walls quickly build up around me and getting really upset because he said that he wouldn’t give up on me (like several others in my past have... both therapists and friends), and in that moment, I heard that he was done trying to help me. We talked about it last week I think and that isn’t what he meant at all, and thats fine, but then I wondered if I was wasting his time or not, and it sent me into a tailspin. There was something I wrote down when I was still in iop, and it was in my gigantic “fuck you” letter to my eating disorder. The line was, “I’d do anything to get rid of you, but simultaneously do everything to keep you.” Ambivalence is a bitch. My eating disorder is one of the most comforting things because it has never left me, but it has fucked me over so many times and has ruined so much. Not just for me, but for my friends as well. I mean hell. One of them I’m terrified to wake up hearing that she’s killed herself, the other I’m concerned about her kidneys failing, and there are several who have just disappeared and won’t answer any texts or calls. I miss hearing from them. I hate watching us slowly waste away. I completely understand where they’re at though, and I don’t always want recovery for myself, but I do want it for them--but I know thats how they feel about me. Its just a fuckshow, and now my head hurts and I need a cigarette. 

Anyways, I’m going to go play around on my guitar for once. I haven’t touched her in about a week. I did finally get a name for her though. Jackie. Its actually the name of my grandma who passed away almost two years ago. She was a crazy motherfucker that my parents keep telling me I remind them of. I don’t know if thats a good or bad thing, but underneath the crazy was a heart of gold, so I’ll take it as a compliment. Sorry its been so long. I’ve been avoiding almost everything for the past month and a half. My thoughts included.

--Rian Dianna

[nick-writes]

4 times the east kids got to be kids (& the 1 time they actually were.)

even in a west side school, where everything’s the best of the best, they find some crappy desks to give them. mj’s desk wobbles on one side, and all around her, she can see her friends struggling too. of course. 

she rolls her eyes as she looks at the math homework from last night, checking her solutions as the west kids come walking in. of course they can be late, and she coughs as the pot smoke seeps in. it catches one of their group’s attention. 

play it cool, she thinks, leaning back in her chair like she does this everyday. she has to get used to this sooner or later. 

“you know your mom’s a whore, right?” the youngest holloway says, completely looking down his nose at her, and she scoffs. 

“so what’s your dad, then?” mj retorts, without even thinking about it, and she hears a low “oooooh” coming from fitz. holloway looks like he might take a swing at her, his fist clenching as johnny slides smoothly over, fist bumping her as he backs her up. marcy taps her shoulder, leaning in, and mj knows she’s backed up. 

what does he have? she grins at him, bright and daring, as he backs off – and can’t help the laugh that comes either. it was probably kind of stupid, but it felt really good. 

mj hops over the counter, her jeans sliding easily, and makes her way over to one of the better booths in the back. 

(by better, it’s mostly that there are less holes – but also that nobody talks about anything they might overhear back there.) 

marcy scoots over to make room for her as she slides in, automatically putting her feet up in johnny’s lap. he shakes his head at her, but doesn’t bother moving her, so she leans back and closes her eyes. 

she’s only on break for a little bit, and she knows fitz will make sure the others don’t wake her up. even if they did, the sound of their conversations above her are soothing. 

there’s something so funny about all the shit that happens on the east side and yet they still feel like they have to drink in marcy’s parents’ garage. she tries to say that, but it doesn’t come out right. 

“my voice doesn’t work,” mj giggles, only she doesn’t even know what that sounds like, so she gestures instead and the beer sloshes out of her cup. johnny’s laughing at her, but nicely, and even though he already has a reputation, it’s easy to forget from the way he’s sprawled out across the floor. “johnny,” she whines, and fitz reaches over to pat her hair. 

“don’t you cry no more,” he half-sings, already trying to messily braid her hair together but either her hair is slippery or he’s been drinking too. marcy’s hands join his in her hair, and she sticks her tongue out at johnny because she’s having all the fun. 

“two’s better than one,” she slurs out, and falls backwards into their laps because her hair’s important and all, but her friends are way better. 

usually when she’s at school, she tries to scowl. she tries to keep her guard up all the time – but today, it’s a little too hard. they finished exams yesterday and for once, none of the east kids got accused of cheating. and now it’s the last day of school, and she’s about to go in with a silly grin on her face. 

she bites her lip, trying to pull her emotions in, but she can’t help but think to the summer ahead of them. there’s no plans, there’s never any plans for them, but that’s the glorious thing. three months of nothing, three months of no reason to cross the tracks, three months of freedom. 

mj’s grinning again, and she knows it. fitz jogs up and takes one look at her, shaking his head. “i feel threatened,” he says, in a good imitation of the typical west side voice, all affected. “miss, she’s baring her teeth at me!” she laughs, shoving his chest, and he puts hand over chest, laughing back at her. “someone’s happy to get out of here.” 

“sure am,” she affirms. it’s hard going to school, sometimes. she thinks maybe johnny had the right idea, but she also can’t imagine not spreading her homework out everywhere and that rush of understanding (almost exhilarating) when she gets something. so she’s a nerd, and so she keeps trying. marcy bumps shoulders with her, her glance cutting through the west kids taking up most of the sidewalk. “what’s the first thing you’re going to do at 3 pm?” she asks, nudging her back. 

“probably slash some tires,” she says, almost flippantly, and they both stare at her. “what? it’s not like we have to come back here tomorrow for them to figure it out.” 

“true,” fitz nods, looking at them, and mj can’t help but smile again. 

“that’s my mommy,” johnny announces, pointing at the nice lady who had given mj extra snacks when her stomach had growled too loudly. she likes daycare already, and she likes johnny automatically. “she’s the best!” 

“i’m mj,” she nods, sitting on the carpet. they don’t have anything soft like this in her mommy’s trailer, and they never have this many toys. she reaches for a car, driving it along an invisible track when johnny grabs it. “hey!” 

“we got allll the cars and track over there, come on!” he says, tugging her til she stands up, and it’s a big room. she probably never seen so big a room before, but she follows him, and there’s a huge box of cars, almost as tall as she is! “flyn, cars!” johnny yells, and the boy looks at them and grins. 

“marcy’s family has lots of real cars, so she knows all the cars there is,” flyn explains, and mj pulls away from johnny, going to see what the other girl’s doing. “your mommy is real nice,” he tells johnny, and the boy gets all puffed up. 

“this one gonna go real fast,” marcy says, holding up a blue one, and mj nods because she likes blue. “you get this one, okay? and johnny gets the red one and flyn can have yellow and i get black!” 

“okay,” she agrees, because this is a lot more fun than playing by herself, and listens as johnny talks about how to put the cars on the track and make them go, and marcy passes out the cars and flyn grins at her.

she likes daycare a lot.