#and then Amethar continually saying “we’ve been through so much we have no more love to give’ to Saccharina she would snap

[worstversionofme]

Saccharina should have gone full Daenerys and murdered the whole Rocks family and burnt the church to the ground and I won’t change my mind

[jq37]

The Royal Report– A Crown of Candy Ep 16 For Candia (Part 1)

The Second Most Stressful Conversation All Season

The Rocks family sails up to Cola River, concealed in Primsy’s ships with a small contingent of soldiers. As they go, they pick up another set of allies--the remaining knights from Theo’s order.

Ruby gets called to speak with her mom and dad and Cara asks her to close the door behind her. When she speaks, it’s with more candor than she’s ever used with Ruby that we’ve seen. She says that all she’s ever wanted for Ruby was her safety and she tried to secure that by protecting her from secrets but now she is truly a woman grown and the best way to protect her is by sharing secrets, an approach Ruby seems to appreciate. 

Cara fills her in on what she and Amethar learned last episode--Ghee died before she married Amethar. That means she’s still queen, he’s still king, and though Rina is still Amethar’s first born heir, Ruby is also trueborn. 

Ruby asks if they’re going to tell people and Amethar says he wants to wait. Things are heightened right now and it would make things weird in battle. Ruby says that if that’s what he wants, she won’t tell anyone. Ruby also says she doesn’t trust Rina’s people, something Amethar cites as another reason he doesn’t want to tell people yet.

Cara asks Ruby’s opinion on Rina and she says that she thinks she’s dangerous. Cara agrees and Amethar thinks she’s being a little harsh in her assessment but Ruby goes on. She thinks that Rina has tunnel vision in her hatred of the church and there are good people who follow the Bulb (again, Cara is a devout Bulbian). Cara chimes in that Port Syrup is in ruins because of her people. Amethar wants to delay all this talk but Cara drops an absolute banger of a line, “Amethar. The delay of conversation has been perhaps your most cardinal sin.” 

Ruby thinks that maybe Rina can be good but her people are full stop, bad. She didn’t order Port Syrup sacked (good) but it was by her people in her name (bad) and she doesn’t seem super bothered by the collateral damage (also bad). However, she does think that maybe if she wasn’t surrounded by these people, she'd make different choices. 

Cara says that with Rina on the throne, Candia’s future is written in flame. She says that Theo was pretty quick to join up with Rina and asks Amethar what he thinks he’ll do with the new info about his kingship. Amethar thinks he’ll be loyal so she thinks maybe they can tell him but Ruby points out that he’s not good with secrets. Cara says that’s a wise observation. She also says, in not so many words, that this is going to be a dangerous battle and during dangerous battles, sometimes people--like your husband’s pesky half daughter who is bumping your own daughter in the line of succession and has a merry band of war criminals--die.

“Hey, you’re talking about my daughter,” says Amethar.

“I am talking about the future of Candia,” says Cara. 

She tells Ruby that if she doesn’t think it’s a good idea to talk to Theo, that’s fine, but she should listen to her heart. She has the sight for the future to come and “If fortune cannot be on our side, we will have to do what fortune cannot.”

The Most Stressful Conversation All Season

The ship continues to sail upriver. Brennan makes a little roll that he doesn’t announce but seems entirely too pleased about. 

There’s a lot of debate about arriving and attacking and they decide to get to Dulcington late so they have cover but can attack when it starts to get light and have some visability for archers and such. 

It’s the middle of the night as they approach their destination and Rina hears a knock at her door. It’s Swifty and, wouldn’t you know it, he just eavesdropped on a *reaaaaaal* interesting conversation by the royal family (we get a quick cut to Brennan’s mystery-roll). But before he can spill the tea, she stops to tell him (and Gooey who is also there doing the bodyguard thing) that she was *not* about the carnage of Port Syrup. They NEED to be better than that. These people may never accept her but she doesn’t want them to *hate* her. Swifty is like, “lol, about that.” She tells her what he heard--or at least *some* of what he heard. He tell her about the death/wedding timeline and about the fact that they’ve been sitting on the news for a day (leaving out the bits where Amethar defended her and Ruby thought she might be good) and implies that they’re waiting for her to die in battle (something Cara implied in fairness) or kill her themselves (a little more of a leap--but not by much). Rina, not quite seething but something akin to it, says that if they had just told her this information, she would have worked with them seeing as the crown was only ever a means to an end for her but they had to be dishonest with her. Swifty says he’s excited to waste all their enemies during the upcoming battle and, once it’s over, if she wants them to turn their slaughter efforts a little closer to home, she just has to say the word. In response, she says she wants to speak to Theo so she can seek his counsel. She also reiterates that the Port Syrup debacle was a full war crime and shouldn’t have happened regardless of her relationship with the Rocks family (Swifty and Gooey exchange a glance she doesn’t fully parse) and then Gooey gets Theo.

After some weird flirting with Gooey (he makes an appointment to get “slammed big style” [sic] by her), Theo shows up to talk to Rina. She says that she’s been helping the Rocks family a ton in battle but she’s only been rebuffed. Is it worth it? Should she keep helping them? Theo says that he’s known the family for a long time and they’re good people who wouldn’t hurt her. Rina says that Theo is an honorable man and she trusts that even if he doesn’t side with her, he’ll do the honorable thing. Then she tells her what she knows, info that he is, of course, hearing for the first time. On an 18 Insight check, he knows he’s not being lied to and he knows he has a choice to make. He remembers Lazuli, all those years on their first meeting, telling him to think for himself and he amends his earlier statement. He might have spoken too soon about Amethar. He’s reckless, he wishes he could have worked for any of his sisters rather than him, and he clearly doesn’t have love for all of his family based on the way he’s treating her. He’s officially Team Rina (like he kinda was before but even moreso). She makes it official by casting the Dedication version of Ceremony on him and he feels more connected to her than ever before (also +1d4 to all Saving Throws for 24 hours). 

War is Hell (to Recap) 

The group gets into position with a bunch of stealth checks to get ready for their dawn attack. Despite pledging himself to Rina, Theo doesn’t want to work against Amethar and he wants to tell Cumulus. Rina agrees since she doesn’t fully trust her people and she thinks it’s good to bring another trustworthy person in on this.

Right before fighting breaks out, Theo gives the CliffsNotes version to Cumulus (ie: there is some weirdness in the line of succession and the family is plotting without us) and also messages Liam that Rina is potentially in danger, getting back the message that he’ll for sure help protect her. Ruby rolls Insight to see if she can tell Theo’s being weird but with a Nat 20 deception check from him, she’s sure that Theo is loyal to them above all else and would never betray them.  

OK guys, here’s the deal. Almost everything else in this episode is truly just chess. Moving units across the board. Taking out troops strategically. Placing minis. Stuff like that. Not at all interesting to recap or read. So all you really need to know is, “The Rocks family and their numerous allies (cheese sailors manning catapults, monks, Candian fighters) get into position and the fight begins at dawn, with them doing pretty well once it starts.” Pretty much everyone gets to do at least one clutch thing and you can check out the episode if you want more detail than that.

The only really important thing to know is that Kerradin is there, Grissini is there, and Plumbeline is there. In fact, not only is she there, she comes down from the castle walls so she can ride in on her meep chariot and knock Theo prone.  

Unfortunately for her, she hasn’t gotten the news about Peppermint Batman. Three attacks+flanking+sneak attack+favored enemy damage+bursting arrow+hail of arrows=58 damage to Plumbeline immediately.

As she stands over Theo, two crossbow bolts explode through her eyes and she drops down dead.

And that’s it for this episode! Join us next week for the actual finale of a Crown of Candy!

1 Million Years Dungeon

SWIFTY!

Man, Swifty really is the personification of Brennan’s craving for some sweet, sweet PvP action huh?

You homicidal little chaos gremlin, it is BAFFLING that you have the queen’s ear and I hate it.

Things I’m Concerned About

Emily had Rina use the word “fools” and I know that she grew up on the same Disney movies that we did where fools is an antagonist exclusive word. Hate the implications of that!

Do you remember what I said about Cara in her literal first appearance? I generally like her but I’m getting some light Lady Macbeth vibes. Well here we are. It was so weird to see her and Ruby getting along but I really loved the scene. So tense and so careful with every word. (Also, I *knew* that info was going to get to Rina as the conversation was happening and I was bracing for it but it was still like, damn).

We still haven’t gotten to, “Family is exposed, family is vulnerable.”

That look Gooey and Swifty shared? Don’t love that. 

So, as I’ve been concerned about for a while now, we’re gearing up for some PvP. It still doesn’t have to happen but things are getting dicey and lines are being drawn. Theo has made his allegiances known and Cumulus from way back when said he stands with the magic of Candia, not the Rocks family--plus he just pledged his whole order to her. Ruby and Amethar obviously are on the same side if this happens (though you know no one wants to avoid PvP more than him) and I think Liam would be more inclined to stay with the family if it comes to it, though he also doesn’t seem like he’d be down for this.

Continuing on from my last point, if there’s a big PvP fight potentially on the horizon and the other side has a DRAGON and also ALL THE HEALS...mmm, I wouldn’t love that. Oh also, I didn’t mention it in the recap but Rina said she wasn’t gonna waste her spells on Ruby/Amethar anymore which is a SCARY THING for your HEALER to say before the FINAL BATTLE.  

Edit: I forgot to mention (s/o to @fjordgofurther for the sideways reminder)! Because of the way it’s been framed (“we will have to do what fortune cannot��) and because of the poetry of it and, practically speaking, because they’re the two main casters, if it gets to PvP I can see it ending up being Rina and Ruby, head to head and...do not care for that image one bit lemme tell you. 

Five More Things

I am VERY happy that Rina told off her crew about their casual war crimes because it would have dropped by opinion of her HUGELY if she was just chill about it. 

I don’t want to downplay the amount of work that went into the battle stuff in this ep. There were a lot of cool large scale battle mechanics and home rules for fighting with troops and letting them use your abilities and stuff. But it’s very hard for me to recount that without sounding like a history textbook chapter on the Civil War or something and I’m not Ken Burns. 

Place your bets. Blessed Ally Nat 20 on the wish-egg-seed or on icing Kerradin?

Very wild that they destroyed the afterlife RIGHT before this fight. Like, before they knew that if they died, they could at least still talk to their loved ones to some degree. But now that’s gone. Perma-death is suddenly extra-perma. I wonder if that was a conscious choice on Brennan’s part.

Did I ever get to say, “newly *mint*-ed” with regard to Liam’s Peppermint Batman status? I don’t remember and it would be a shame if I hadn’t. 

I have more thoughts but this episode ends so clearly midway through the action that I feel it’s best to leave them for the actual finale. 

One More Thing!

As I’ve mentioned on here before, I’m working on an audiodrama podcast which should be dropping later this year! Absolutely No Adventures, a podcast about avoiding dangerous quests, making weird friends, and baking. It’s also a podcast about baking.  

The Twitter handle is @noadventurespod and we just got our art!

I’m very excited to start releasing stuff for it and I hope some of y’all check it out!