#and then 'hope you're not upset! I just think it's important to understand the nuance here yk?'

[hippo-pot]

also i do now think that the villain characterization is On

[minnaci]

contents: established dan heng x gn!reader. reader is a member of the astral express crew, but is not the hsr mc. hurt/comfort, post-1.2 spoilers

a/n: a little bit of a longer one today! thanks to @itoshisoup, @/petrichorium, n @/kitsunefreak for answering my questions abt dh's reincarnation (ask here)! if u see this i hope u know it took everything in me not to call him daniel heng

you and dan heng have never needed words. why say "i love you" when you could just cut him a plate of fruit? why say "i need you" when you could press little, fluttering kisses to his spine, and watch the shiver of goosebumps spread over his skin?

your language has always been one of quiet actions, quiet loves, which is perhaps why he looks so surprised when you take one look and him and say, quite loudly, "what the fuck?"

because the dan heng standing before you isn't the dan heng you could recognize by touch alone. he's.... taller, somehow. broader. he carries himself with an ease that he hadn't before. and most importantly—

"are those horns?"

"yes," he says, with no further explanation.

"dan heng used to be a cool dragon warrior guy in his past life!" march 7th interjects, seemingly oblivious to your increasing upset. "he was super powerful and super important, too!"

you'd known about the whole... reincarnation thing. he'd explained it to you before, but from your understanding, his past lives weren't important. he'd told you that this life with you was the only one that mattered to him. so why hadn't he told you...?

"that's quite enough, march 7th," himeko takes one glance at your expression and cuts in as march 7th begins rambling about dan heng's... boyfriends? husbands? from his past lives and how handsome and cool and strong they all were, and how their story was so romantic—

dan heng says nothing.

"well," you say abruptly, forcing a smile, "i'm suddenly feeling a bit tired. i'm going to turn in. dan heng, you can sleep outside tonight."

you stand up and swiftly make your way to the passenger car. behind you, you hear march 7th ask, "did i say something wrong?"

you let it all fade into silence as you step into the archive room— you and dan heng's room. at least, it would be silence, if it wasn't for the faint footsteps behind you.

"you're upset with me." dan heng crosses the room to you in a few long strides. gently, carefully, he pulls you into his arms. you let him. despite all of the visual changes, he still smells the same. it's more comforting than you thought it would be. you take a few deep breaths, letting his familiar scent calm you down.

"i'm not angry," you say, voice a bit muffled as you bury your face in his chest.

"you're not," he agrees. "but you are upset."

silence falls upon you. you curl further into dan heng's embrace, and he welcomes you easily, drawing wide circles over your back. he's generous with his touch, his affection. it helps you begin to sort through the mess of feelings in your heart.

"you always told me that your past lives weren't important," you say. the words spill from you, a waterfall of hurt and insecurity. "but then you come back from the luofu looking like some— some celestial war dragon, and then i hear about your banishment for high treason and your two beautiful lovers who recognized you across lifetimes, and how it's so romantic because they're probably your soulmates—"

"i know you don't like when i interrupt," dan heng interrupts. "but i... i want to explain before you get more upset, as there are nuances to this situation that i do not think march 7th handled with enough care. you know how she can be when she's excited."

you nod. you do know. you take another deep breath— in through your nose, out slowly through your mouth. "okay, then. explain. please."

"i do not consider myself the same person as the version of me who lived in the past," dan heng says. "i am dan heng. the person that march 7th spoke of was called dan feng. his deeds and his lovers are not mine. i claim no ownership of nor association with them. thus, they are not important to me. dan feng is not important to me. does that make sense?"

"not really," you say. "you're literally him."

"i am not him," dan heng says. "we may share a soul, but i am not him. i do not remember his life, nor do i want to. i have everything i could ever want here and now, as dan heng."

"really?"

"yes," he says. there's a warm brush of lips against the crown of your head. "the astral express crew makes me happy. you make me happy. we may have our troubles, but there's nobody i would rather face them with than you."

warmth flushes through your body, and you hide your face again. it's rare that dan heng voices his emotions so clearly. his candor strips you raw, scraping at the inside of your chest. he's the one being vulnerable, so why are you the one feeling so seen?

"i mean it," dan heng says, taking your silence as disbelief. "i love you. nothing about my past reincarnation's life will change that."

"you're so ridiculous," you sniffle, willing your tears away. "i love you, too."

silence settles around your shoulders once more, comforting like a feather-filled duvet. dan heng rocks you gently— back and forth, back and forth. new clothes and new horns aside, he still smells the same. he speaks the same way. and when you press your ear to his chest, his heart beats the same, steady beat.

"were your— dan feng's— past lovers really that hot?" you break the silence, and dan heng lets out a rare laugh.

"of course you're curious about that," he says, with no small amount of fondness. "here— i'll let you form your own opinions."

he taps on his communicator a few times, pulling up a picture.

"no way," you do a double take, hands flying to your mouth, and you pull back to look at him, wide-eyed. "dan heng. no way."

"yes way," he says, and you can hear the little smug smirk in his voice. he loves you, you know he does, but you can't blame him for the bit of pride that shines through his tone. if you'd managed to pull not one, but two men that magnificent in your past life, your head would get so big that you'd explode.

"and you don't care about them at all?" you have to ask. dan feng was one lucky guy. it's hard not to feel insecure, just a little—

"why would i? they're strangers to me," dan heng blazes through your train of thought, tilting your chin to look you in the eyes. he sobers. something in his voice reaches into the soft, small animal of your heart, holding it steady as it flutters. "besides, i already have the most beautiful person in the universe in my arms."

extra:

"so does this mean i can sleep in the room again?"

"mrgh," you mumble. if your eyelids were any less heavy, you'd open your eyes to shoot him an incredulous look. your limbs are intwined with his like an octopus, and it's bedtime. surely, he's capable of extrapolating. as it is, you mouth sleepily at his collarbone, and hope he understands it as permission.

"okay. just checking. goodnight, dear."

[figs-and-cigs]

Saw a post recently that said if you're not a good communicator you shouldn't be in a poly relationship. My first thought was, "right communication is an absolute MUST!" But thinking about it some more, I think there needs to be more nuance to the idea. What makes good communication? And who's to say who should and shouldn't do polyamory?

I'm an easily overwhelmed, agoraphobic, introvert - and at times communication IS hard. I often seek alone time with very little interaction with the outside world.

I had a girlfriend who HATED texting and wanted lots of in person face to face time. That relationship slowly unravelled and disappeared - without communication. I'm a texter and couldn't fit my schedule or find the spoons to spend more time with her - and she never texted.

I had to explain to a new person I'm dating that I'm not good at asking a lot of questions - which can look like a lack of interest and a failure in gathering information for a good match. The reality is I figure others will tell me what they want me to know over time as they get comfortable, and if it's important it'll come up. Meanwhile, I'm an open book. I communicate with lengthy paragraphs and stories to paint a picture of my world. Which often gets others to share similarly - through text, and more importantly get to know me on a deep level. In person I'm spastic mess, I get emotional about everything and excitement or frustration can jumble words into an incoherent rant.

When I'm upset, I cry... And trying to help someone see my point of view doesn't work well between frustrated sobs I can't control. With my husband we make an effort to take a pause with intense discussions and let me write/text it out. And while he can be a stoic type during emotional discussions - giving him time to process is important. But my anxious attachment will precieve it as if I'm doing all the communication and he's got nothing!

I also unintentionally go into circles and rants as I process which can be overwhelming to the other party. I've been in relationships where we'd talk and talk and talk and talk until we'd exhaust each other and that talking might turn into yelling or unhealthy silent treatments. Neither of us could understand each other or find common ground.

To prevent this with my husband we set timers. 5/5/10. We each get 5 minutes to share our thoughts, and then we'll have 10 minutes to collaborate on a solution - or to bond or support each other.

I have a FWB who I rarely hear from. Maybe every few months when he's in town and able to set a date to meet. He's not the talkative type unless we're alone in a room together - and I realized I'm ok with this. I don't need constant contact to enjoy my time with him.

I think a huge part of healthy relationships is meeting people where they're at and accepting each other exactly as we are. The good, the bad, the messy, and perfectly whole. And it's beautiful and wonderful! But it's also complicated and hard. Not every relationship is going to last. But the experiences together are valuable nonetheless.

When our communication styles and skills are different, what do we do!? Ironically, we communicate about it, and even a "bad communicator" can find work arounds. I think it comes down to boundaries and trying to understand each other. And if it doesn't work out between both of you - it doesn't mean we can't find someone else who it can't work with.

And while we can find total acceptance of each other one would hope each of us is working on personal progress and improvements in areas that we struggle.

Just like there's no one right perfect way to be poly, I don't think there's only one right perfect way to communicate. We each need to find what works best for us and our individual relationships. And it's going to vary and be different almost every single time.

The end.

[quakinqueer]

Sorry for invading your inbox again but i just wanted to say how grateful i am to have a civil discussion with someone about this. Its rare to have a discussion on the internet without people hurling insults and trying to understand the other side. So thank you

(sorry this took me a while, I sort of vowed to stay off socials for a just little while for my own good)

No worries, you're not invading anything! And same here! I tend to avoid almost all online interaction for that very reason, and it was genuinely pleasant to have a normal conversation (albeit under upsetting circumstances). You're very welcome, and a thank you from me as well.

Additional yaps ahead

I truly believe almost all online/fandom discourse and arguing would be solved by nuance and the ability to let go of pride/compromise. But unfortunately I think a large majority of the internet suffers from thinking their anonymity absolves them of all social responsibility and consequences. But oh well.

Now, about damien. As of right now, he's still on break. I was genuinely expecting him to use his sunday stream as an opportunity to clear things up, but I guess he still needs more time (?). I just realllyyy hope he's thinking rationally about this and not, like you said, stewing in self hate. And by God i hope he doesn't let this fester too long, it unfortunately already has. Twitter (not all of them, just a few of the bigger accounts) is already having a blast bashing him for his fuck up, and while, yes, he messed up real bad and acted thoughtlessly, I honestly think a few of them on there are having a little too much "fun" with this. Or atleast, acting like he's done something he cant come back from.

Honestly my biggest hope is that he just recognizes where he went wrong. Seems like a simple expectation to have of someone as seemingly self-aware as damien, but I'm honestly not too sure what to think at this point (still in that same 'dont want to get my hopes up' mindset from yesterday).

What's most important is that zayna, the original poster of the initial tweet, made a thread talking about how she isn't actually mad at him, nor should anyone be, explaining the situation and her perspective and basically just trying to get people to quit fighting. She expressed sadness over the hate she was getting (which was entirely unwarranted and incredibly upsetting) but also over the hate damien was getting. Honestly just a necessary read to understand the situation.

https://x.com/sitcomabed/status/1789838890091556873

[justallihere]

chapter 30 lets goooooo

i looooove how you're making violet miss xaden !! listen as much as i love my men stupid the amount of ppl last chapter that were happy with his suffering made me feel bad !! i feel like xaden needs shooters and i have to step up to defend my man. and it's like ... they're so married it makes me sick. ofc they cant sleep apart when they're under the same roof. it just goes to show that the foundations of the relationship are there and that there's hope !! i also think violet needs time to digest everything and what better time to do that than at night when she cant sleep bc she misses her hubby??

2) Tairn and Sgaeyl paralel with Xaden and Violet you will always be famous. Mr. "humans are too emotional" Tairn and yet he also cant sleep when he's mad at Sgaeyl ... i know what you are.

3) Riorson house needs better guards, wdym violet can just avoid them ??

4)

She was Xaden’s wife. She was queen. Him, the house, the city, the entire country—they all belonged to her as much as she belonged to them. Maybe she should start acting like it. 

(i know i use this gif way to much but i cant help it it's perfect)

Oh we looooove a violet that knows how powerful she is, even without a signtet !! she's just understanding she can command the whole country and i love that for her. Xaden gave her the power and i think in the next few chapters we're gonna see both of them understanding that they're more powerful together than apart.

5) Now let's get into Garrick and Liam's business bc there's so much to unpack. For once Garrick can't mind his business to save his life ... he's so gossip girl coded and tbh can't blame him I too am nosy.

the worried glanced they shared when they thought she wasn't looking ... your honor they're so scared lmao.

But now on a more serious note, I loved the conversation they had about the whole affair. Both parties trying to rationalize their hurt and understanding each others sides was important. Garrick and Liam needed to understand that Violet is their ruller alongside Xaden, she's not a flower they need to protect. And if she's to rule she needs to be informed of stuff, they can't go behind their back. And ofc the order came from Xaden but they actively participated in it which is why she's so upset. But Violet also needed to understand that this secret can't just be shared like this and they did the best they thought would work under the circunstances.

I also think Violet knows she just needs time.

6)

“Is there something you want to say, Tavis?” She raised an eyebrow. “Some comment about my marriage you’d like to share?” 

Oh she knows people have been talking about her marriage. But I love how protective she is about her relationship with Xaden. It's no one's business and they'll figure themselves out without outside intervention. She knows she misses him, she knows she cares, or she wouldn't be this upset, she just needs to be angry a bit more while they work on it. And she has aknowledged she doesn't want to live like this: hurt and upset, so she knows they need to work it out somehow.

Can't wait till she aknowledges he's her rock, can't wait for THAT moment.

7) Violet and Liam made up !!!

(i could not for the life of me find the whole gif so enjoy this one, you know what comes next)

just like canon Liam is too busy defending Xaden's actions to violet *cries*. But yeah i think we need to have a conversation about nuance. We as readers, can be upset for Violet due to Xaden's behavior while aknowledging why Xaden did what he did. and i think it's what's so beautiful about this narrative. bc at the end of the day i probably would've done what he did. and i think violet knows that too even if she's not ready to admit it to herself just yet.

8) touched starved Xaden enters the scene so ofc angst ensues. His little touch didn't hurt at all ... ahaha ... (you are very mean miss ma'am)

9) Love how Xaden is like: okay you know now so get to work come with me to this drift. like my guy give her a day ??

10) Violent andarna u will always be famous

11) Cat is very pathetic, like omg girl GET UP like i'm embarassed for her. All that over a man ?? a crown ?? bestie don't u literally have a crown at home ?? Violet absolutely destroyed Cat was a highlight and Xaden was turned on.

12) Imogen will always come through !! that's a girl's girl

13)Now while i feel bad for Syrena Xaden is correct its not Tyrrendor's problem they're dying. In fact, he's already doing more than he should bc the moment Tecarus was like: "no luminary for yall" i would've been like "oh sure you're on your own then, say goodbye to the weapons". I feel like Xaden's being too good.

14) and you explained perfectly why Xaden and Violet are made for each other !! Yes, they both have some sort of moral compass, but above all that they're loyal to themselves and to those that they love.

15) The Squad capital T capital S being ride or die will always get me. Liam just takes it my poor boy.

16) Now Cam ... the way you've been here for a month and haven't found anything is very useless behavior. But we forgive, he's a man after all.

17) Violet wants a healthy relationship with Xaden and thats exactly what i asked for !! yes, get to talking like adults. I love how she has childish thoughts of vengence but she's like "yeah that isn't really what i want to do" and doesn't act on impulse.

18) why do i feel like next chapter xaden is gonna be so stressed when he hears of this suicidal plan and also why do i feel like the equivalent of varrish torture scene is coming. you are scaring me.

19) i wanna be you when i grow up alli. the way you release chapters so damn fast ... my readers could only wish lmao. you are literally not human (i mean it as a compliment <3)

Okay this comment is so beautiful and so well thought out??? I’m in love with you??

I don’t have the time rn to respond to every one of these points but just thank you thank you thank you a million times over for the love on this chapter (and the fic as a whole) 🥰🥰

But: yes I’m obsessed with possessive Violet claiming Tyrrendor and Xaden and her own. I LOVED writing that. Whatever problems she has with either of them, they’re hers and Xaden’s to deal with and no one else’s. They are, for better or worse, a team, and no one gets a say in their relationship and she will shut it down so fast if they try

[roomeight]

Hi! First of all I really appreciate your blog cause it’s important to talk about such important topics 💙

I don’t know if you’re informed about Damon’s life but for days on twitter there’s a talk about his last pic in Guatemala with one of his Gorillaz backup singer: Rebecca Freckleton.

From what I understand there are these rumors about them toghether since years. The point is that we don’t know for sure Rebecca’s age but a lot of fans are saying that she’s between 25-30 and they work together since 2017.

If they have an official relationship now it’s kinda strange. it’s a very strange dynamic because they’ve known each other since she’s really young.

Like I said before I don’t know if it’s true I just want to know if you something more.

I always thought Damon was with Suzi, finally a man with a woman his same age, but instead he’s probably just another disappointing man.

Thank you for messaging 💙 adding this second ask to my response since it is similar topic. No, I don't know any thing about this rumor. I'm (generally) not on social media anymore so I don't see a lot of blur news. That's kind of on purpose.

I think I saw the picture with Damon you're referring to. I'm not familiar with Rebecca at all, so no idea about her age. I think...generally I've decided I want to know less about any celebrity's personal stuff. Especially Damon. That's not to say I feel blaise about the age gap if true, more just like the area of brain associated with Blur and dopamine is permanently wrecked. Fwiw, I'm not a fan of big age gaps despite what people seem to think from my fic.

If they are over 30 they have an adult brain and life experience, it's nuanced. It's a bit different if they knew each other when she was super young. G and Rose are a good example where the connection happened when she was young. There's probably some parasocial shit to unpack there I don't have the spoons to analyze. Sorry I don't know how to respond to this well except to say that. :/ The rumor is upsetting. The last year of Blur touring drove home how disappointing they all are to me for consciously suppressing Graham's sketchy bullshit. Like, they knew about it, and just decided suppressing fan accounts of alleged abuse by blocking and ignoring was the right path to take. Dave, Alex, Graham and Damon. Now D is saying Blur is not something he wants to do after touring, as if he's remembered how bad it is. If it's a consensual, adult relationship though, cool, I hope he's happy. D seems kind of like a mess these days, maybe it's what he needs and we will get some art out of it. 💙

[lets-talk-spirituality]

also whoever he's with has to be very aware of the fact that harry will always put his career first. it's just the way it is/

Honestly I feel like a people only want this to be true because of how intense their parasocial relationships are with him. Not saying it's that way for everyone, but I can't tell you how many times I've seen different variations of "his partner will never come first, his fans will always be most important to him, music/his fans are his biggest love" etc. Like he definitely loves his fans, he makes that very clear, but the way harries want to be the absolute center of his universe is a bit scary ngl. And I think that's a direct correlation with the amount of hate his partners always get. They see these people as competition for his attention and love, and this "career/fans over partners" mentality is just another example of that. I really think this break is gonna be good not just for harry but his fans too so the parasocial shit can calm down a bit. Like I can't imagine thinking you have the right to be vile to the person he loves because you're jealous, AND still expect him to love you as a fan lmao. They need to get a grip before they go too far one day, especially when he's finally with his person.

Yes and I also feel like these people have never had an adult relationship that requires you to juggle commitments. People literally are married with children and work jobs all the time. Sometimes you have to pick work and sometimes you have to pick family. It’s not black and white, either/or, it’s situational. I swear people don’t understand nuance.

I agree the fans that say shit like this have an unhealthy parasocial relationship with him. The same ones that try to claim ownership over him and get upset about where he chooses to spend his time or who he chooses to date.

Sadly most of the people engaging in behavior like this need to make major changes in their lives to stop behaving this way. I hope they do! Thanks for sending this in. I agree with you 💯

[abiiors]

I really really hope that he sees a lot of the asks that you've been getting over the past couple of hours. For months I have been trying to find a group of people who could understand the nuance behind the disappointment over all of this. I know you've had a few takes but I'd like to throw mine into the mix mainly because of a previous ask you have just received. Matty has always been somewhat controversial with what he's said and done. Getting heat for being a 75 stan is not a new thing. But I'd say personally since Notes things have shifted to a whole other level. He always says he knows the importance of being someone's band and how it can become part of your identity as a person. The fact his LGBTQ+ fans, POC fans, female fans etc are all now catching heat and having their moral character questioned for things that he didn't need to do is deeply unfair. If you love them, why would you do that? And to go in an article and call them either 'mental' or liars when you've talked about the investment that you get from them is just WILD. I was happy to catch flack from right wing dummies about abortion bans and LGBTQ+ laws because that's what we signed up for. But all of this is so not that. There's just hypocrisy and contradictions EVERYWHERE and it's making my brain and heart hurt.

Seeing that disappointment spread to people who's careers he's worked with and people who we used to think were his friends is such a stark contradiction to the man who most of this fanbase fell in love with. Because with what Rina said I'm worried there's more things that we don't know. Like I think this might be my final straw.

Trying to suck the poison out if words he has no business touching, or even sitting in a room where people were saying the shit they were saying on this podcast kind of makes me feel like he doesn't give a fuck about us anymore honestly. There is a massive disconnect between what I signed up for and where we are now and that's completely and utterly his fault. Because he knows better, and we know he knows we know that, because that's the kind of base he's cultivated.

I don't know what it's going to take for him to realise the genuine real life not 'mental' implications the things he's been doing have on his fans. I have a friend who is black, she's been to every Manchester show since 2013. She always used to go on about how the line in liiwmi about misdemeanors was so heartening to hear from a white man because it shows he's really been getting to learn about the prison industrial complex and real structural and institutional racism rather than the surface level stuff most artists want to address. This UK tour she had loads of interactions with Matty at her show and she was on cloud nine. Then she heard the podcast and her entire perspective flipped and she was so upset. She felt objective, was paranoid about why he was looking at her so much and I felt fucking terrible for her. Because that's real. The time and energy people give to stanning is real. So that's a very real and valid reaction to me.

I have so much love for those boys, at this point I might say too much I can't help it. Because if I loved them less I would have taken a bigger step back a while ago, but I'm only human and I have flaws. I can see that same pain and turmoil in the asks on this blog and I just want to say that these feelings aren't frivolous or stupid they're real. For those people who are having a genuine inner conflict about these things going on that idk what we're going to do, but like you're not the only one. If you're wrestling with knowing a lot of this is wrong but you still love them, it's fucking hard rn.

All I know I'm fucking exhausted. He can't criticise Kanye and then do that salute. He can't sit and listen to people mock several marginalized groups and then get mad when people want to doubt your status as an ally or even worse SAY NOTHING and then still say 'you're my people you can't say I'm racist' like SIR you need to help us out??? We're dying out here! It's an unfair burden to put on your fans and it's just wrong. Matty if you're reading this, get your ass on a live or something and just like FIX THIS.

Sorry for going on, and sorry for if the dyslexia jumped out and there's spelling mistake 😭 Sending love and hugs to everyone, take care of yourselves 🤍

everything you've said is so extremely true! getting hate from right wing people because you support abortion or lgbt rights is COMPLETELY different than getting hate for being poc/a woman and still supporting matty. like i never post the hate anons because i don't want to put negativity on the tl but they are there and my blog used to be a very hate-free space before all of this.

There is a massive disconnect between what I signed up for and where we are now and that's completely and utterly his fault.

i fully understand the anger and where you're coming from. ik a lot of people here think that if he apologises now, then it will come across as pandering and fake but i think the exact opposite. this apology is for his friends and his fans so we know that he still fucking cares. like after all the fucking shitshow we go through the least we deserve is an explanation.

i'm so sorry about how your friend felt. i obviously want to say that he's not racist and i wholeheartedly believe he is not but i also can't tell your friend how to feel about her experiences. it's just so sad to me that someone who's found such comfort in the band would ultimately feel this way.

i know he's not on tumblr going through my blog for fun but @trumanblackblog i truly do hope you see this and listen to us. these are the people that love and support you, don't leave us in the fucking trenches.

please don't apologise for the typos etc, and i hope you're doing well too. your other ask made it seem like you've been getting hate about this for a bit now so i genuinely hope everything has calmed down for you <3

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: emotional abuse, gaslighting

Hello. This is the anon who asked, “Does a person’s perceptions define whether or not another person’s actions are abusive? “ The person perceiving the abuse is/was my child, and the ‘abuser’ is/was my mother. My mother lived with us for several years but we’ve now made it clear she’s unwelcome here (she has her own home— we didn’t leave her stranded!). My husband thinks I am too hard on my mother and plenty of kids hate their grandparents and that anything my mom said was because of her generation. To be honest, I didn’t perceive my mom as abusive. She does go very cold when she thinks someone might not like her, and she generally assumes children will not like her, but to my eyes she was more avoidant (which did hurt my kid in its own way) than abusive.

My kid has trouble warming up to people if he doesn’t feel secure around them (same as my mother, but she is the adult!), and has selective mutism, so my mom naturally (for her) assumed that my child thought she was a yucky old person. One thing that was very strange, though, is that my mother met one of my kid’s friends and opened right up with them and gives/gave praise and hugs. That kid became the favorite (grandma did not like any of the other friends much).

I feel sorry that I didn’t realize sooner that my mother was hurting my kid, and take decisive steps to stop it. Most of the time I don’t want to see my mother, but as I mentioned, my husband thinks that is just silliness. He thinks our child should have just had a tougher skin and discounted Grandma’s attitude. I think people are as sensitive as they ARE, and what hurts, hurts. But there is that doubt in my mind that Grandma did not mean any harm and it is bad of me to call her an abuser, even in my own head.

I am just seeking some clarity about this, and some advice possibly on how to proceed. Tysm

Hey anon,

I'm sorry to hear about what happened.

It sounds like it was right to have her leave. I don't think you're too hard on her and I don't think it's fair to simply expect your child to grow thicker skin. It's important, especially as children, to have as many positive experiences as possible to stimulate their growth and development. Being noticed and appreciated is major.

I just want to say that "grow thicker skin" is very similar to "well, in the REAL world..." because both expect people to accept cruelty. Yes, there is a lot of cruelty in the world, but it doesn't mean that we should just accept it or let it happen. It's completely understandable to want to protect your child. I think the sentiment that your husband shared is reminiscent of toxic masculinity, acting like sensitivity and expressing pain is unacceptable.

It sounds like your mom might struggle with nuance in terms of interpreting how other people feel about her. It's a bit self-fulfilling to behave like children will not like her. She may not be explicitly abusive, but neglectful behavior can count.

She may not have meant anything by it but intention doesn't trump impact. In other words, just because someone means well doesn't mean they aren't responsible for the repercussions of their actions, or that the person they hurt doesn't have any reason to be upset. They've still caused harm regardless of whether they intended to do so.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[vesselsart]

I wanted to get your advice on something, it might be kinda weird but you seems to have good friends and I have nobody else to really ask.

So a few years I used to have a friend who I was really close with and I cared about them a lot and I thought that they felt the same way.

But after a few years of hanging out most days, we drifted apart slowly until they completely out of the blue stopped talking to me and started talking about me on social media, really negatively and talking about me like I was a terrible person when I don’t understand what I did that made them hate me so much. (I’m autistic so maybe I missed something but I was never rude or mean or anything).

Do you have any advice?

Hi!! I will give my thoughts on this situation, but I do want to preface it by saying that it is entirely my opinion and that my knowledge on the circumstances are very limited and subjective!

First things first, I presumably don't know you, or the person that you are discussing, so I'm not well positioned to speak on the nature of your friendship. That being said, I would advise caution against making any assumptions that they didn't feel the same way as you during your friendship. If you guys were talking regularly and what have you, I'm sure that they cared for you in a similar vein to how you cared for them! Just becuase the nature of a relationship changes over time, that doesn't diminish the strength of it as it was in the past!

Another thing that I think it's important to remember is that relationships do change over time, and this is normal and okay. People grow and change, people's lives change, and people drift - everything is an ebb and flow, and that's healthy and okay. It doesn't mean that it's not difficult when relationships change, and it doesn't diminish any upset (or other feelings) that might accompany its changing. Things are just a tide.

As for the talking negatively about you and being unkind about you online, that's difficult and I'm sorry that that's something you've been experiencing. Without knowing the nuances and specifics of the situation, I will do my best to try to give some helpful advice. The first option is ultimately to make good use of blocking their accounts, if the things that they are saying are actively harming you, or are something you are seeking out as a means of harming yourself. You are not responsible for someone else's behaviour, but you are responsible for how you engage with their behaviour. It might be good to just limit your access to their words if they are hurting you. Another option, depending on your mindset and comfort level, is to potentially open up a conversation with this person and ask for some clarity on the situation. If you're not sure what lead to their behaving this way, it might be helpful to ask them and try to understand. I would say that if that's something you are open to, try to be empathetic, gentle, and understanding, rather than having it be more of a fight or something bitter, and if it does turn in that direction, potentially disengage at that point. (If engaging with this person would be dangerous and/or detrimental to your health and well being, I absolutely do not suggest taking this option)

What the majority of my advice on things would boil down to is this - you are (presumably) an adult, with the capacity to navigate situations in a responsible and mature way. Have empathy for yourself and for them, and don't intentionally harm either party in any capacity, and you should be okay. I hope that things work out in a way that serves you well <3

[alienpupy]

I came out to my family at 15, so i dont know how relevant my experience will be but oh well.

I told them over a family dinner, and on the day of it wasnt that complicated, I was scared shitless but I basically just said "hey so I'm trans, I'm not a girl and I use this name and these pronouns now". I had other conversations with my parents and brother individually in the days/weeks after, and tried to meet each of them where they were and explain more general stuff about trans people and my own experience. the general vibe at first was confused hesitation that morphed into enthusiatic support (my mom), reluctant support (my dad) and indifference (my brother). They got used to my new name pretty quick, but they're still really bad at pronouns (even now after 5 years, HRT and top surgery lmao).

I think the main thing is to prepare yourself to answer uncomfortable/weird questions without getting upset? like i struggled a lot with that but it's pretty important if they dont know any other trans people that would help them contextualise stuff. The more basic information about trans people and transition you can give them, the more familiar it'll feel to them, and the faster it'll be for them to get used to the change.

You might have to rely on clichés at first to express things to them too, in my experience it's a lot easier for cis people to understand the "wrong body" narrative than anything more nuanced and genuine. That and describing transition as something you need to be happy. Baby steps, yaknow? I remember trying to talk to my dad about what being trans was actually like when i was like 16 and 90% of what i said went over his head because I hadnt given him enough of the basics first.

If you're going to tell them about HRT, maybe have some transition timeline pics handy to give them a concrete and positive idea of what that does. Those pictures of guys who go from teenage lesbian to kratos, that kinda thing. Just in case they've heard anti-HRT propaganda or have concerns about what it would actually do to you. Having stories or anecdotes from friends about their experiences with HRT is also very helpful in my experience. Make it clear to them you've done your research and you know what you're doing.

Thats all i can think of for now but yea :] hope thats at least a little helpful

seeking stories and advice:

how did you come out as trans to your parents?

I’ve been out to my friends as trans for a few years now, but the urge to get on HRT is getting stronger. And if I’m going to medically transition, I want to come out to my parents. They’ve absorbed a lot of ambient transphobia, but they’re not deliberately cruel people. Any experience with this would be super appreciated :)

[lowkeyorloki]

OK i read the update and i have two important declarations: i still don't like nat; her giving them the silent treatment and not communicating when they reached out to her isn't exactly giving anyone the impression "she was worried about them, not mad they picked loki over her" u know?? so im sorry but nat is my least favorite rn!

and my SECOND declaration is that they are being so Immature and not being rational about how this is making loki feel and this is coming from someone who is terrified of even thinking about being pregnant. if their immaturity (so to speak) carries over into the next chapter i may be sad. i also dont want them to be angry about clint on nat's behalf; she hasnt deserved it imo. THIS CHAPTER HAS ME STAMPING MY FEET LIKE A PETULANT CHILD. communicate people please i am begging.

BUT ALL IN ALL i absolutely loved this update, lowkey (get it? loki.. anyways) glad they aren't pregnant. your writing makes it feel so life-like u know??

NOOOOOO i love ms. nat ! i loved that she still came to help the reader when she needed her the most, even though nat was/is still upset. i hope that even if you don't think she has anything to be mad about you can still appreciate her putting it aside to help? just because her emotions are real regardless of if her right to be angry is. if you don't though that's totally fine. different opinions are what makes the world go around and i LOVE to hear y'all's thoughts either way!!!

i do understand what you mean about clint. i really struggled to pick a scene from the next update to use as a preview - i didn't want it to be too spoiler-y but i also wanted to give readers a taste of what would happen. your ask made me realize that the portion i picked as preview might make the clint thing seem like it will play a bigger part than it actually will in the chapter. maybe that makes you feel better? like it definitely gets addressed, but so do a bunch of other things so i wouldn't say it's dwelled upon. i also wouldn't say it's a main source of the reader's emotions or feelings or whatever, just a small part of it. but again i must defend my bestie nat because clint and the reader (and now wanda WandaNat confirmed HELLO) are the only people she cares about, and loki played some part in creating distance between her and clint. we're kind of back at that nat has a lot of emotions that have a genuine effect on her, even if her anger is misplaced. again, you're 100% allowed to think what you do though and i actually get excited when readers have different opinions - it's like a confirmation i'm writing the situations with enough nuance that they can be interpreted differently, which was EXACTLY my intention when i started to write this fic :)) so like. i do truly get excited to see messages from people who have different experiences reading the fic it's just so cool and like it reminds me that there are living perceiving people reading my fic on their laptops or phones or whatever and it's crazy in best way.

IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED THE UPDATE and i'm even more glad you think my writing is lifelike because that was ALSO a goal of mine with asis (': and i am also glad we aren't pregnant tbh i don't even know where the story would have gone if we were

[mariposakitten]

*deep breath*

Okay so look, @wild-mare-of-prosecution - you're not wrong, okay, in saying that USian culture can be vastly different depending on where you are. Living in Florida, for example, and talking to my friends in Texas can often feel like Dispatches From Another Reality. I get it. It's even true that this effect may be exaggerated by the sheer amount of landmass the US covers; we have the space to develop ridiculous numbers of subcultures across an entire continent, arguably moreso than smaller countries might.

However.

First of all, the US is not the only country that covers a metric shitton of land. Look at China, Russia, Brazil, India, Kazakhstan, Australia Canada. Do those countries have known, named regions with their own subcultures? Probably! Do people from Region A in China take a lot of pride in their regional differences, and would they be upset to be mistaken for someone from Region B? I don't know, and it sounds like you don't either, but probably!

Second of all, even countries that are physically smaller often have drastic cultural differences. Hell, the entire UK could fit inside some of our states but I sincerely hope you don't think it's a cultural monolith!

And third of all, while it's absolutely not wrong to want people to understand the nuances of your subculture, that doesn't mean you should leave off naming the larger culture! It is the height of arrogance to assume someone from Argentina even knows what a Vermont IS. Is it a state? A city? A region, a suburb, an obscure country they've never heard of? It's one thing to encourage questions so as to make conversation, and something else entirely to intentionally be vague and confusing. (Not to mention the assumption that the difference between Vermont and, say, California is intrinsically more interesting or important, and therefore more necessary to point out in a first introduction, than the difference between regions of Argentina. No one needs to know your thoughts on maple syrup or surfing to strike up a casual acquaintance.)

If it's really all that important to you, it only costs a few extra syllables to say "I'm from the US, specifically Vermont." Voila. You've given them the information necessary, plus the information YOU deem necessary, and you weren't fucking rude and arrogant.

(As for OP's point, it pretty clearly stated that it wasn't talking about filling out a form, but about a freeform address change request. I.e., the sort where you're not prompted for anything, you're just emailing the seller like "oh hey send it here instead." Remembering to include the country when you do that is free, easy, and far less likely to irritate folks than arguing about whether you "should" have to.)

one thing I’ve noticed while running an online shop is that Americans never include their country when writing their address.

I don’t mean when filling in online forms, bc that’s obviously a required element. but when emailing me for address changes for orders, they never include a country in the updated address. but I always know the country is the United States of America because literally nobody else around the world would do that.