#and the writers went ‘oops I guess she’s 200 now’

[wall-maria-around-ba-sing-se]

what if the next avatar show isn’t about the earth avatar after korra but some random avatar in an indeterminate time before any of the events of the shows or books- there’s like a thousand avatars in between wan and korra

[erratic-erotica]

When You Dare (Dicks Out For Harambe)

What up, bitches. It’s me (DD) again, hittin’ hard and fast with another one.

Caveat:  I did actually more or less enjoy this one, so it won’t be nearly as scathing as the one for Hard Night: Penis Patrol.

Anyway, without further ado, here comes When You Dare by Lori Foster.

ALTERNATE TITLE: CROUCHING CHEST HAIR, (BARELY) HIDDEN PENIS

So, When You Dare starts out with our hero, Dare McIntosh (aka Biceps McGee) out on an extraction mission in Tijuana to recover his friend’s sister, Alani, who has been kidnapped by human traffickers. Sucks, man.

So he busts into to where this poor girl is being held, casually executing the Expendable Guards, and is like “TADAAA. HERE I AM TO SAVE THE DAY,” which, you know...valid.

A couple of the other girls being held there just sort of…flee into the night. As you do. But besides the girl he’s there to get, there’s another one who is clearly in bad shape. And so Biceps McGee does what any noble hero would do given the circumstances and goes, “Well. Don’t mind if I do, then,” and just fucking…takes her with him?

So after delivering Alani, Biceps McGee is just like, “Shit. What do I do with this woman?”

Woman solves this conundrum by waking up and kicking him straight in the face.

That’s what you do with this woman, my dude. You get kicked in the face.

Anyway, Biceps McGee is not a doucheyacht, so he’s like, “Alright, fair play to you, lady.” He explains he’s a Good Guy and has smuggled her back over the border, and would she like to go to the police, a hospital, or a hotel?

Lady opts for hotel (because shower), and I honestly can’t be all too judgy about that? I’d want to shower, too, after being kidnapped and beaten for nine days.

Lady introduces herself as Molly Alexander (hereafter Self-Effacing Heroine), and she doesn’t want to make a police report just yet, because she is actually a famous writer (no really, Ryan Reynolds is attached for the film adaptation of her book) and can’t believe she was abducted by accident…which means someone in her life is no good asshole.

So let’s meet our suspects:

Self-Effacing Heroine’s ex-fiancé, Adrian: they broke up over her not buying him new rims for his car, I guess.

Daddy Warbucks: Heroine’s rich and snooty father who is just all about appearances, to which heroine and her younger sister have never measured up. He also drove Self-Effacing Heroine’s mom to suicide and then married himself a new, equally obsessed with appearances Stepford Wife.

Readers: APPARENTLY, Heroine did a bad and ended up putting in a plot twist that nobody liked, and now she’s just fucking swimming in death threats! Oops!

“Cool,” I said to myself at this point, “It’s probably the step mom. No need to stray too far from the Evil Stepmother trope.”

After her first shower in like a week and a half, heroine goes, “Hey, dude, you’re like, the only person I can trust right now. Big ask, but could you maybe help me find out who arranged this?”

And Biceps McGee is like, “Sure. Wait. Why did I say sure? I was gonna drop you off somewhere and wash my hands of this mess. Is this what having feelings is like?”

After some nighttime snuggling due to nightmares (also justified), Biceps McGee and Self-Effacing Heroine are off for Kentucky, because that’s where Biceps McGee lives, on his palatial lakeside estate, with his two Labradors that he calls “his girls” and his live-in gay personal assistant-slash-best-friend, Chris.

Heroine has a nice vacay there for a bit, doing some writing and hanging out with dogs, doing her damnedest not to get in the way and to be a good guest. She has another Convenient Nightmare, which justifies another sleepover (just sleeping, hand to god).

Did I mention that Biceps McGee can cook? Because that’s honestly the sexiest part of any hero. It’s nice you got biceps and all but fucking feed me.

Eventually, around page 200 or so, there is finally a by-the-docks snog sesh. Whoooooooop, whooooooooooop. SOUND THE SMUT ALARM. Except, no. Just, like – the fingering whistle. Maybe a kazoo? I’ve got it: the FINGERING HURDY-GURDY.

And Biceps McGee is just like:

Anyway, Biceps McGee has a little tête-à-tête with Self-Effacing Heroine’s father to determine if he’s behind it all, presumably while looming threateningly. Every girl wants to get with a guy who threatens to destroy her father, after all.

Then they book it back to bumfuck, Ohio, where Heroine is from, to do some more pro-level investigating. Self-Effacing Heroine and Biceps McGee have just returned to her apartment (to find it trashed, natch).

But, THEN! Surprise appearance by ex-fiancé, who comes in while macking on some rando. Of course, Biceps McGee and Heroine are all like, “DAFUQ, DUDE.”

Ex-fiancé helpfully explains that, well, he came by to check on Self-Effacing Heroine and maybe try to get back together (???????) and since she had just up and disappeared, he took it upon himself to use her apartment as a shag pad.

Gross. Anyway, after some strange flirtation with Biceps McGee in front of her ex, presumably to evoke jealousy, they toss him and his rando out, and proceed to bang it out. Extra gross, my dudes. Change your sheets, first. Jesus. You don’t know where your ex has been at this point. This is also the point in the plot where Biceps McGee definitely catches feelings like they might as well be an STI.

Shortly thereafter, Self-Effacing Heroine’s sister sneaks in the apartment, too. Clearly, Heroine’s apartment is just the hottest joint in town. Sister has brought her boyfriend, who is ex-FBI, and currently a private detective. How perfectly fucking convenient. Anyway, not much comes of this. Sister is apparently the only person who knew/cared that Self-Effacing Heroine went missing for over a week, and she was just, like, hella worried and shit.

This development is followed by more smut, this time in the bathroom! Guys, that is dangerous. Do not try this at home! You will straight-up kill yourselves, and I will laugh at you. At least they eventually have the good sense to move the party back to the bedroom, with no more inconveniently-timed surprise visitors.

The next day they decide it’s about time to confront Daddy Dearest one more time, because he’s got some sketchy business connections. It’s also about the time that Biceps McGee just kinda casually drops the, “Hey, why don’t you come home with me and we’ll see where this thing goes?” line.

Of course, Self-Effacing Heroine is all like, “HOT DAMN. I mean, I can work from anywhere.”

So it’s off to Daddy’s mansion they go at last, and there they are met by Stepford Wife/Stepmother Kathi (with an i!).

Daddy Dearest rebukes Self-Effacing Heroine for showing up uninvited because he is just so dreadfully ashamed that she got herself kidnapped and shit. Won’t anyone think of his reputation?!

Biceps McGee is like, “Come at me, bro,” because ain’t no one talking down to Baby Girl. Ain’t no one. There’s some more familial bickering, but ultimately they leave Daddy’s house again, because Biceps McGee doesn’t actually think Daddy had anything to do with it, even if he is a piss-poor father.

But Daddy’s got suspicions of his own, which are, shortly thereafter, confirmed. It was Stepford Wife/Stepmom Kathi with an i all along. For those of you playing along at home, the score is DD: 1, Novelists: 0.

Although it is not directly stated in the story, I prefer to imagine Kathi-with-an-i with crazy eyes at this point in the story. She did it all for her husband’s reputation! Self-Effacing Heroine’s books are depraved! What would the neighbors think?! Also, she’s been sleeping with some other dudes, but she did it for love and continuing social position!

But Daddy Dearest is just like, “Get thee hence, hoebag,” and just pawns her off on the police or something, idk. He’ll never be a contender for father of the year, what can I say.

Meanwhile, Biceps McGee and Self-Effacing Heroine have arrived back in Kentucky (but why Kentucky, my dude? You are like, hella rich), reuniting with Chris and the dogs.

But wait. Stepmomfordwife Kathi had one more trick up her sleeve! A bomb or some shit goes off, and it’s chaos all around! Luckily, no one is seriously injured. And Self-Effacing Heroine takes a trip back into the flaming house to retrieve Biceps McGee’s doggo, thereby cementing her place in his heart F O R E V E R.

The bad guys are quickly subdued, because you don’t fuck with Biceps McGee and Company.

We close on “Hey, let’s pick out rings,” because it’s always a great idea to marry someone you’ve known for about a week. Everyone knows trauma bonding is the basis of true love!

All in all, porn with (fairly decent) plot and enjoyable. I give it a 5 out of 6 and a half inches.

Until next time!

[lisinfleur]

Hey guys!!

Guess what? CELEBRATING TIME!!

My dear @dangerousvikings is celebrating the amazing mark of 3.5K followers! CONGRATULATIONS, HONEY!!

And to celebrate this magnificent achievement, she invited me to host a writing challenge for you guys!! LET'S HAVE FUN!!!

It’s very simple: everyone can join. You don’t have to be a reputed writer to do it, this is for fun.

Rules: 

Anything goes (Fluff, Angst, Smut… ) It has to be new content written by you. Let’s make it 200-2000 words, not too short or too long. Send us an ask with the prompt number and the character and we put you on the list. Please put warnings for content such as NSFW excessive violence, or other triggering materials. You can choose any character from Vikings (and cast), Sebastian Stan and his characters, Marvel and DC universe.

Others TV shows and movies that could be included: Star Wars, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Punisher, Teen Wolf, The Flash, The Originals, The Vampire Diaries, Supernatural, Stranger Things, The 100, Shadowhunters.  (DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT WRITING SMUT FOR KIDS AND TEENAGERS!!!).

Must be a reader insert (Character x Reader)

You don’t have to be following me or @dangerousvikings , everyone can participate.

Tag me and @dangerousvikings  and tag your entry(s) with #M&Nwritingchallenge  in the first five (5) tags   If we don’t respond,  don’t hesitate to contact us.

Deadline 01.09 2018

Reblog to spread the word!

“There was something about him. Something about the way he watched me.”

His eyes were cold and lifeless as he stared at me. “You have no idea who I am, do you?” @lol-haha-joke w/ Ivar

His voice brought back memories of dark rooms and broken bones. @minarawr w/ Ivar.

She wiped the blood from her cheek and picked up the sword. His eyes followed her blade as she pressed it against his neck “ Don’t move! ”  @bang-kim-bap w/ Dean Winchester

” Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage for one day?” “Ohh darling, but what’s life without a little drama?”

“ You know,  that is not what an apology sounds like” @laketaj24w/ Ubbe

“ Ohh you think I’m cute when I’m angry. Well get ready because I’m about to be GORGEOUS” @ivarsrideordie w/ Ivar

Their eyes met. Suddenly they were alone in the crowd. @bang-kim-bap w/ Loki

Dirt and leaves tangled in my hair as he pushed me to the ground. He pressed his hand over my mouth and whispered : “ Shhhh or they’ll hear you” @siren-kitten-his

“I’ve lost control again.” @minarawr w/ Ivar

“Come over here and make me.” @waywardkitten w/ Björn

“You know better babe than to smile at me like that.”

“You can run but you can’t hide from me.”  

“This mess is no longer mine to deal with. Have fun!”  @storiesitellmyself  w/ Ivar

“ We’re surrounded” “Excellent, we can attack in any direction!“

( Character name ) pulled a knife from his leg and smiled.”Was that supposed to hurt?“

“Speak three wishes. Of my choosing, one I will grant, one I will ignore, and one I will grant the opposite.“ @fuckinsteverogers w/ Bucky /Steve

“Wow, kinky.”

“One day, you will become a fine ruler of this land.”

“This is far from over. You’ll see. I’ll get you back for this.”

“Everyone needs a little chaotic good in their life.” @kaephei-grimoire w/ Ivar

“Come on, baby, up to bed.” @atequila w/ Ivar

“Stay absolutely still or I’ll tie you down.” @waywardkitten w/ Ivar

“It’s okay, I don’t have any feelings left for you to hurt.” @alicedopey  w/ Harald.

“Meeting you was a once in a lifetime chance. I couldn’t have been luckier.” @buckybarnesappreciationsociety w/ Bucky

“I could literally choke you right now.” “I might be into that.” @akamaiden w/ Bucky

“Scream for me, princess.”

“I’m going to teach you a lesson.”

“You’re such a dirty girl, of course this excites you.” @akamaidenw/ Bucky

“Not until I say you can.”

“Don’t you dare!” “Or what?”

“What kind of shitty thing do you want me to do now?”

(Reader or Character’s name) pays them both drinks at once. The other one smiles. “Feeling generous today?” “No. I just rather when you’re drunk”.

“Do yourself a favor and shut your mouth.” @wanderlustingandwandering w/ Ivar

“What the fuck are you doing on my bed?” “Oops, wrong room…” @ivarswickedqueen w/ Ivar

“Don’t you think you went a little bit too far with it?”

“You know, to have some fun is not gonna kill you.”

“Wait until (character’s name) hear you saying this.”

“This thing you just did? Do it again.”

“Thinking of how you can hide from me is still thinking of me, my dear”

“Are you naked?”

“Was it supposed to be a joke?”

“Is there something you want to tell me?” @lostinthoughtsandfeelings w/ Ivar

“I think we should try.” “Absolutely no!” @ivarswickedqueen w/ Hvitserk

“That’s a solid yes!”

“That’s what I’m talking about!”

“You always forget!” “Then stop asking me to remember!”  @honestsycretsx w/ Ivar

“Problem solved.” “Does it looks like a solved problem for you?”

“You’re a mess! Where have you been?”

“When did you stop counting your vodka shots?” “Fifteen, I guess…” @ivarsshieldmadien w/ Hvitserk ; @persephone-is-here-omg w/  Dick Grayson

“Is that all you have? Ok. My turn.”

“Behave!” “Why should I?” @persephone-is-here-omg w/ Bucky

“Give me one good reason to not to punch you right now.” @sebashtiansatan w/Bucky

(Character name) does something pretty dangerous or surprising “Do I have your attention now?”

“Should we tell them the truth?”

“If I want to forget and you want to forget so it never happened.” @mixedwiththemoon  w/ Ivar

(Character name) wins a bet “So I can get anything I want?” “Yeah, whatever, just choose it at once.”@mslothbrok w/  Roman Godfrey ; @ivarsrideordie w/ Ivar

“Come here and help me instead of chattering!”

“You didn’t kick me out. I walked out by myself!”

“It doesn’t matter what happened. All that matters is that you’re here now and I will take care of you.” @tephi101 w/ Hvitserk

@akamaiden @amandine0611 @ateliefloresdaprimavera @awishmyheartmakes @bang-kim-bap @bappo-take-a-nappo @bluearchersstuff @captstefanbrandt @come-with-me-and-imagine @dangerousvikings @funmadnessandbadassvikings @happylittlepuppydog   @hvitserksgirl @igetcarriedawaywithyou  @irenlaja2022001   @itssalvia @itsspecial-itsnotforeveryone  @ivarsshieldmadien   @ivarswickedqueen @kaepheii @kaephei-grimoire  @lokigoddess @lol-haha-joke  @lupy22  @magic-at-your-fingertips  @mblaqgi   @mcuimxgine @mslothbrok  @naaladareia  @natalie-rdr   @neeadinghugs @nejijjeoroo @nina2697 @nothingeverdies @readsalot73 @shutter-bug124  @sodanova   @taylor-douglas97  @tephi101 @tessa-grace-blog @wish-i-was-a-mermaid  @witchesandfairytails  @xoxo-sv  

[brilliancetheory]

I was tagged by @doctormambo

LAST 1. Drink: Red Bull 2. Phone call: work 3. Text message: my mother 4. song you listened to: I Quit by Hepburn 5. Time you cried: couple of nights ago 6. Time you’ve dated someone: 2011 7. Time you’ve kissed someone and regretted it: probably the same 8. time you’ve been cheated on: 2012 9. Time you lost someone special: my aunt died last year 10. time you’ve been depressed: this is an ongoing feature in my life 11. time you’ve gotten drunk and thrown up: never

FAVORITE COLORS 12. red 13. purple 14. white IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. Made new friends: yep 16. fallen out of love: nope 17. laughed until you cried: yep mainly because of mad lib madness 18. found out someone was talking about you: yesh 19. Met someone who changed you: not really 20. found out who your friends are: I mean I already knew 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: nah GENERAL 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: more than ever actually but that’s still like... maybe 10-15 out of roughly 200 23. do you have any pets: I have my two kitties Leon and Annabelle 24. do you wanna change your name: yeah but I know I probably won’t bother 25. what did you do for your last birthday? I was home alone all day and then went for a walk in the evening and then called my smol friend 26. what time did you wake up: 2:40pm OOPS 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: writing on skype 28. Name something you can’t wait for: something that makes me think “oh boy I can’t wait for this” 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: an hour ago 30. what are you listening to right now: Legend of Zelda soundtracks on shuffle 31. Have you ever talked to a person named tom: SO MANY 32. something that is getting on your nerves: Jonerys shippers 33. most visited website: tumblr 34. hair color: at this moment in time it’s a very faded magenta/red and is more ginger down towards the ends, but naturally it’s kinda just an unimpressive mouse brown 35. do you have a crush on someone: nope unless Costas Mandylor is a valid response 36. Long or short hair: longest it’s ever been 37. what do you like about yourself: I came out of my phase of hating the colour pink and thinking cuddly toys and Disney movies are just for kids 38. Piercings: four earlobe piercings and one ear cartilage piercing on my left ear, so five 39: blood type: O negative I think??  40: nickname: I have a plethora of nicknames 41. relationship status: single 42. zodiac: cancer 43. pronouns: she/her 44. favorite tv show: Merlin, Game of Thrones, Hannibal, Black Sails, The Vampire Diaries, Community 45. tattoos: zero 46. Right or left handed: I’m a LEFTIE 47. surgery: amazing I’ve never needed surgery  48. Sport: I hate sport, but I go to the gym a few times a week and workout there so treadmill and lat pull shit I guess 49: Holiday: I’d say Halloween but my job means that I never get to celebrate it any more (the last day of every month is stock take, which means every member of staff has to be at work until 9 or 9:30pm, and by the time I get home it’s 10pm, so I miss the trick-or-treat kids and don’t get to dress up for them, plus it’s not like I’ll have plans to go out anywhere myself so my Halloweens are literally just spent working late) 50. pair of trainers: ehh just my black ones?? 51. eating: Chinese steamed dumplings holy fuck 52. drinking: Red Bull 53: im about to: waste my life 54: waiting for: the sweet release of death 55: want: a friend hug 56: Get married: I don’t care if I do or don’t 57: career: I’ve never had any ambition to do anything realistic- I love acting but let’s be real I’m not going to be one of those people who miraculously makes it big, I can’t even get accepted for any local auditions that I apply for so fuck me I guess 58: hugs or kisses: I’ll take whatever I can get 59: lips or eyes: eyes 60: shorter or taller: I’d prefer taller 61: older or younger: older 62. Nice arms or nice stomach: stomach 63. Hook up or relationship: relationship 64: troublemaker or hesitant: I don’t care just don’t be a shitbag 65: kissed a stranger: yeah wasn’t fun 66: drank hard liquor: once 67: lost glasses or contacts: I don’t wear them 68: turned someone down: yep 69: sex on the first date: I mean if it’s going that way and everyone involved is down then sure 70: broken someone’s heart: no idea 71: had your heart broken: yep 72: been arrested: nope 73: cried when someone died: yes 74: fallen for a friend: nope DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 75: Yourself: LOL 76: miracles: I want to 77: love at first sight: no 78: kiss on the first date: sure 79: angels: kind of OTHER 80: current best friend’s name: how can you make me choose between SYD and ZEP 81: eye color: blue 82: favorite movie: Saw, Sucker Punch, Predestination, I CAN’T CHOOSE JUST ONE 83: Favorite music genre: anything besides rap or house 84: favorite item of clothing: I have a Zelda sweatshirt that’s super comfy but I can’t find it I cry 85: favorite friends character: Phoebe 

I tag @pan-writer and @zephiindle and @antidoteforeverything