#and the worst thing is i know i cant even puke

[girl-bateman]

Intense nausea at work, feel like pure shit 🤢

[tabootasaur]

...

[switchbladedreamz]

I Want You, Dumbass.

He owns my entire soul.

Requested?: nah

Rating: R, once again lots of cursing. Bc its fun

Summary: Logan has his eyes pried open, figuratively, a little perspective forced onto him by Charles. It helps him see things for what they really are. For who you really are.

PLS REBLOG IT HELPS ALL BLOGS GROW🥰 COMMENT AND LIKE🫀

~~~~Logan's Point of View, 5:08am

Ripping off the sheet and blanket that cover me, my skin pebbles in goosebumps from the new chill in the air. "God damn it." I huff out quietly into the dark. I tossed and turned all night. Can't get decent shut eye. I turn to lay on my side. Staring in the darkness where my closed door would be. For five hours I've tried and failed to sleep. No matter how hard I will with closed eyes it never comes. All I can think about is her. For once I'm not thinking about Jean.. It's her. Y/n. It feels different when I think about her. 'Did I fuck it all up? What have I done..' These are the thoughts that have plagued me while sleep is nowhere to be found. I have class in three hours but I can't ...I can't bring myself to care right now. 'Why did I have to ask her out? Was it on purpose that I overheard their conversation? No, that's stupid.' I don't really believe in fate. Y/n and I had a perfectly good chummy coworker thing and I just had to go and blow it all up. Jesus fucking Christ when will I learn. 'once..just once can I have something..real. Do I even know what I want? I know what I don't want.. No Striker, no old friends' granddaughters, no having a boyfriend when we meet.' I beat myself up for who knows how long when 'bbbbrrrrriiinng bbbrrriiiingg bbrrr-'. My alarm pulls me out of the self-pity parade I had grown comfortable in for the past..well when I realized I couldn't sleep nine hours ago. Another day, another dollar, another student turned into a scholar.

"Alright everybody, I want those papers on my desk by 8 am next class Thursday morning. And no wikipedia! Okay, class dismissed." The students scramble out of their chairs, feet scuffling quickly across the floor. They can't get out fast enough. Heh. 'alone again.' thoughts creep in from the shadowy parts of my consciousness. 'aaah self pity, the oldest pain in my ass.'

Pacing back and forth in the empty classroom. I cant help but rewind the events of the last three days in my head. Over and over like the world's worst rollercoaster. Karma is hanging my ass out to dry. Like a dumbass I asked my coworker out and it backfired only to find out she has feelings for me. That was three days ago. The next day I found the only bar in town worth a fuck burned down. All that is left is a damn charred husk of load bearing beams and an empty parking lot. Oh I can't forget that a new student whose...gift...is acid spit and lunch did not agree with her so guess who got sprayed with acid puke and hotdogs in the middle of a lesson about World War II. It hurt like a bitch. And the fucking cherry on top of this sundae is that Jean and Scott are getting married. They announced their engagement last night. Cheers to the happy couple.

Jesus. Here I am goin on and on lamenting as if I could do anything to fix these problems. Except the first one, I'll admit. Charles enters the room. Hank, who usually is one step behind him is nowhere to be found. "Anything I can do to help Logan?" My head snaps towards. A growl at the bottom of my throat. I can feel my back muscles flexing like hackles raising on a cat. I need to calm down. "Charles I told you to stay outta my head." He looks at me with pity..i hate that fuckin look in his eyes.

"You're practically broadcasting your thoughts all over the school. I didn't need to use my power to know what you're thinking." I sigh heavily and sit down. "In any case", Charles continues, "I'd like to help with your troubles with Ms. L/n. Or at the very least make sure you don't pace a track into the hardwood floor." The quiet whir of his chair is an oddly comforting sound. My elbows brace on my knees as my head falls heavily into my hands. "What do I do?" I hate feeling vulnerable. "Apologize to Y/n, she's a forgiving person..within reason. Let the chips fall where they may afterwards. Oh, and Lilly feels terrible about the incident in class today. She asked me to pass on her apologies, sweet girl. As for Scott and Jean, put on a brave face as always." My head quirks up. "Really? A brave face? That's all the advice the acclaimed Professor Xavier has?" I scoff. What a help. "It's what you always do when it comes to those two and it's all you can do.....She's made her choice." Charles' voice softens at the end. Her choice. Her choice. It's never me. I look at her and it doesn't even feel the same any more and it pisses me off. I feel nothing when she looks at me. And that's what makes me burn. "Logan have you ever considered the difference in the way you're seen by Jean and Y/n?" My head raises, my confusion pours out through my question, "Whaddya mean?"

"I mean, Jean... She sees your exterior. The illusions, the gruff-cigar-smoking-bad-boy-who-listens-to-no-one. But if that were true..you wouldn't be here. Even I have my limits and tolerances. If you truly didn't care about anyone or anything but yourself as Jean may believe then what are you doing here? I'm not questioning your place here but rather putting things into perspective. Now as for how Y/n sees you. She sees a kind man with a big heart who keeps people at arms length and hurts them before they have a chance to hurt you. That's how I see you. We can see the great man you are yet to become. Now who do you think is more deserving of your time? Lastly perhaps consider the fact that Y/n did not reject you because she doesn't want you, but she wants you so much she couldnt use you to hurt herself because of the love she holds for herself. Did that make sense? Anyways what I'm trying to say is that it was an act of self-preservation." I look at Charles. I really look at him, studying the expression on his face as his words process. There's nothing in his voice that indicates blame, deceit, judgement. He's simply trying to help me. I've made my decision. "Thanks, professor. See ya around" I get up from the chair and as I walk past Xavier I pat his shoulder, "You too Logan." he responds.

I'm laying on my bed. Charles' advice ruminates in my mind while I pull in a drag of smoke off the cigar between my fingers. Debating if I should have a drink or not. Then I remembered the bar burned down...... Well ..shit.

~~~~

All I've thought about since last night is how i could apologize. One thing I respect about Y/n is she's straight forward, so I figure thats how she would want me to approach this. In a few strides I cross the wide hall, before I have a chance to overthink I'm knocking on Y/n's door. 'We alternate days for history, she's gotta be here somewhere but if they're not in here I don't know where-' my thoughts are interrupted by the door opening and the scent of dahlias invades my senses. "Oh hi, what can I do for you Logan?" I notice her glasses slide up her nose as her head tilts up to make eye contact with me. There's music playing in the background. "Uhm" at a loss for words, I turn my head right and look down the hallway then left at the stairs. "Can we talk?" She nods and opens the door wider for me. After closing the door I watch her walk across the room, pausing the sounds of thrashing guitars and double kick drums from the speaker by the open window.

"Well look what the cat dragged in. You know I didn't take you for the groveling type but you look pretty on your knees." My mind blanks, ..out of all the different ways I'd imagined they'd react. "W-wh..uh" i fumbled to find a response. Her head falls back and she laughs "Oh darlin' I knew you couldn't resist me."

I half laugh half wheeze, not expecting this to be her reaction. "Y/n. I came to apologize. I'm real sorry about the other day--"

"Oh its fine, theres no need to apologize. Really. So you fucked up, and I've heard about the awful past few days you've had. I'd say your reckoning has been wrought." There's a shit eating grin on her face. "Hmm. So now what?" I ask, too damn confused. Y/n replies "How about you take a few days to figure what you want then get back to me." I look at her, "get back to you? That's it?" She huffs out a chuckle. "Yep. Simple as that. Figure out what you really want, when you get back to me we'll see if what it is the either wants and if it lines up together. You know, like adults."

"And what is it that you want?" Mischief and longing sparkle in here eyes, framed by the lenses of her glasses. "I want you, dumbass. I want a real relationship." I walk over to her, standing in front of her. She looks up at me. "Is this few days thing mandatory?" My hand touches her bicep. She glanced at my hand then up to my face. " 'fraid so darlin" I chuckle, "Well I'll see you in a few days then."

~~~

Sorry it's so short!! Please enjoy🖤🖤

[lesbiandarvey]

okay here are my long meandering thoughts about kathy and lewis cus im kind of obsessed with them. toxic lavender marriage 🫶

i think like, they knew of each other before getting together, yknow they ran in the same circles, so they probably met at half a dozen “coming out” parties and dinners and dances hosted by their parents. im not gonna say shes from phoenix (cus that still perplexes me.. like if he picked her to be some wealthy socialite beard, i cant imagine he’d chose a wife from phoenix??) but shes from the same east coast lifestyle he is. he was definitely a leg up for her though, he was old money and she was new upper middle class money like her father was a doctor or a lawyer or something so lewis opened a lot of doors for her socially. and like when they got married he was 23 but she was 25 so i think as a socialite unmarried woman in the 40s, 25 was pretty old like her options were dwindling. i think she had some reputation for being “spoiled goods” its the only way i can imagine lewis would marry this woman like she was engaged before and there were some rumors of her being pregnant (she wasnt but the rumor stuck) and the first time he “fell in love with her” or at least he realized this was someone he could actually spend time with, its the end of some party and he’s drunk he goes outside to get some air and she’s smoking a cigarette on the steps and he says something and she tells him to go fuck himself. and he realizes that shes just like him and shes not some wilting flower she curses with the best of them and calls him on his shit so i think thats what made him think he could be with this woman and obviously its a lavender marriage. hell never love her, im not even sure he likes her all that much but she can be a companion and an easy beard. but i think. i think she didnt know she was singing up to be in a lavender marriage! i think he tricked her with his money and his status and she bought into into it hook line and sinker and i think the biggest problem between the two of them is that she actually fell in love with him. and she thought he loved her. like he said all the right things for the six weeks they courted before getting married, and then the second they got back from their honeymoon (which was just a long weekend while he was on leave) he starts going out all hours of the night with strange men. and then she starts sleeping around with other men to get his attention but it doesn’t work cus he doesnt give a shit who she fucks. hell he even encourages it honestly i think they didnt sleep together at all before they got married and she thought it was because hes such a gentleman and then their wedding night comes around and hes really drunk (well they both are it was a party) but then he keeps having to get drunk to touch her. and then they get pregnant and he immediately stops trying to touch her. and they have some terrible fight where theyre both drunk and the baby’s crying and the nanny upstairs is trying to calm her down and theyre yelling about their lack of sex life and kathy screams at him that “sometimes a woman just wants to be fucked by her husband!” and he smirks and goes “i know right!” and she screams goddammit lewis do you have to be so fucking vulgar! and throws a glass tumblr at the wall by his head and then they dont talk for a week

and like, i think the thing about kathy and lewis is that they’ve both seen the worst in each other. she’s dragged his sorry ass out of his fathers house and made excuses for him at some dinner he got blackout drunk at and hes held her hair back as she pukes in the upstairs bathroom during some party she drank too much at. and they go from that kind of life of parties and clubbing and dinners to him being in the military and raising a child like they couldn’t really become Real Adults together. but also the fact they’ve seen each other at their absolute worst: him in his drunken self hatred, her at her postpardum depression means they know everything about each other. and instead of that knowing creating a relationship of openness and trust instead it means they both know exactly what buttons to push to make the other fucking miserable. and fundamentally i think they have some kind of murder suicide pact in their marriage. like they both think divorce is for pussies and the best place to keep a grudge is under one roof. shell stay married to him just to remind him how much she hates him and how he tricked her into marrying him and how much she resents him for it

[neeksnicoboytoy]

PPARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT. bokuto shows up in the worst outfit you've ever seen but hes confident so really it doesnt matter (or does it) he claims he is bringing "The Drip" to the party. no one agrees with him except nishinoya which really is a bad sign when you think about him as a person. konoha threatens to burn his closet down when he's least expecting it and that man is SERIOUS. bokuto actually briefly feels a full body chill . EVERYTHING about he's wearing is neon and mismatched nishinoya fucks with it soooo hard hes actually kind of jealous!! i think bokuto would wear a snapback i'm sorry he cant dance either. but just like with his outfit he is so outrageously confident that it does not matter all that much (to him). at least SOMEONE'S representing the bad dancers on the floor am i right? ha ha. actually no take that man away this is hard to look at. tries to do the worm and fails miserably so he's probaly bruised all over the day after!! claims the bruises are battle scars even though they are bruises and not scars!! cmon now. he attempts the worm every party everyone is fed up with him. i feel like hinata WOULD be able to do the worm which really should not be the thing that gets you impressed about someone but bokuto LOVES it and he tries to get hinata to dance with him every chance he gets. he reaaally wants the aux but all his friends are not impressed with Pitbull and bokuto IS a crowd pleaser after all so he refrains.

akaashi trailing behind the crowd wearing something so normal you wouldnt look twice at it but it looks insane when you look at the scene -> neon lights confetti loud ass music etc etc. this man is in BUISNESS casual like he's about to attend a moderately dress code wise relaxed 9-5 office job. when you ask him about his choice of dress he just blinks and wanders off to talk about something pretentious like the musical arrangement in radiohead songs with daishou (who has managed to incorperate his "edge cutting" read edgy style in everything he's wearing so he's basically gone eboy. it looks horrific but kuroo thinks it's cool either way. not that he would admit that though) he's not entirely sure why he became friends with daishou seeing that he doesn't like daishou all that much but he supposes it is nice to talk shit with someone. bokuto thinks they match (they don't) and is very excited about this. akaashi is the weirdest fucker at the entire party besides maybe kageyama. he dances shockingly badly for someone that pretty but everyone loves him and knows he's kind of shy so they support him either way.

hinata has looked up cool teenage party outfit multiple times before going so he would look just right but in the end he figured he would just go for what's comfortable and ends up wearing sport shorts and a sweatshirt kageyama gave him. the important distinction between his athletic wear and bokuto's mess is that bokuto picked something athletic on purpose and hinata just doesn't have any other type of clothes someone help him please yachi is in constant disbelief and horror. he was so nervous that he almost puked before showing up but once he arrives at the party he realizes they are in Japan and thus no omnious solo red cup will be showing up like he assumed(guys there is no alchol involved dont WORRY they are MINORS) (besides tanaka i think. that guy is insane). after that he is in his ELEMENT and goes bonkers. he talks to everyone in the house and everyone not in the house and everyone likes him! fucks up the dancefloor. good for him. starts playing volleyball in the backyard with kageyama once he's had his fair share of the dance floor and promptly passes out in the midst of a set. kageyama would be very concerned but has at this point gained so much acceptance for the miracle that hinata is that he assumes hinata is Just like That so he sort of chills besides the stiff and unmoving body of his best friend for a while

other special mentions on this topic:

-oikawa is a really good dancer but everyone tells him he's bad to piss him off. he gets so mad at this that he trips

-iwaizumi shows up in a muscle tee and the party goes quiet for a bit. sexualities are reconsidered and self-discoveries are made. it's a really ugly and ratty shirt with godzilla on it but since the focus is not really on the shirt no one minds besides kentarou who is sort of torn between feeling betrayed and proud

-kageyama bonds with kenma. kenma is not willingly participating in this but kageyama doesn't really care. he's too busy getting his ass kicked n mario kart (plays as mario)

-tsukishima doesn't like parties but yamaguchi LOVES them and dresses up all cute for them. tsukki gets dragged along every time

-tendou absolutely fucking HATES!!!! popular music. he says it's too boring and also too mainstream to appeal to him so he starts bringing along his own speaker to parties . it always clashes horribly with the already playing, louder music and everyone BEGS him to turn it off but tendou is nothing if not persistent so he just turns the volume up. what a man. i respect the hustle

-ushiwaka, sakusa and kageyama passionately talk about volleyball together. akaashi joins in for a bit but then is lovingly (read: aggresively) pulled to the dancefloor by bokuto and the group gives up any kind of rescue mission once they've caught a glimpse of bokuto's biceps. sorry buddy you'll have to handle this by yourself i guess

-yaku starts doing pushups across the room to flirt with nishinoya. it works a bit too well because nishinoya sees it as a challenge and they end up doing pushups for a while. nishinoya loses btw

-i do think that they ^ kiss later

-suga and oikawa both dress cunty and real recognizes real so they exchange numbers. i do think oikawa would piss suga off to no end but for a while he (suga) manages to ignore that. once the party is over they never talk anyone

-tanaka gets a new haircut impulsively. he and nishinoya march out of the bathroom and all of sudden he's blonde. no one really knows what to do with it but tsukishima despises that they're both blond now. the other blondes are seriously impressed and accept him into their group

[trickarrows-bishop]

EPISODE SIX OF HSMTMTS REACTION LIVE BLOGGED BY ME BECAUSE THE LAST ONE WAS FUNNY TO DO AND I WANNA DO IT AGAIN

again, get ready for this to be iNSANE xoxo

woah maddox you cant just appear on my screen and expect me to be ok like HOLD ON NOW-

no one told rina oh ur JOKING-

this'll be like. the worst. especially for ricky oh fuck.

miss jenn's mother's problematic twitter account??? did you mean miss jenn's mother's problematic X account ???

"bigger things" GIRL. miss jenn. no one. and i mean. NO ONE. puts on a show like you queen. stfu (respectfully ily)

"I WAS PLACING A VERY CONFUSING PHONE CALL" so true. i too am confused tbh

OH WAIT MADDOX IS RIGHT THERE WHAT

wait why wasn't jet there. huh.

MADDOX U INTERESTED BAE???

maddox stop hiding it and go kiss her i am TIRED.

BENJAMIN??? love that for him fr

"hahahah... oh u weren't kidding D:" i LOVE MADDOX TOO MUCH SHE BETTER NOT FUCK ASH OVER FFS

MISS JENN WE ARE NOT EXITTING SORRY WE HAVE TWO MORE EPISODES AND THIS ONE SOZ NOT HAPPENING BABES WE GOT A SHOW TO PUT ON XOXO

KOURT THAT FIT GDAMN

anyways she kinda spoke facts. although. im still scared of spiders. nothing can get rid of that fear

all the kourt x ashlyn shippers are about to make this scene their personality and i understand why tbh

FUCK ASH DIDN'T HAVE FRIENDS ??? IM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS SHOW WDYM ASH DIDN'T HAVE FRIENDS LOOK AT HER SHE'S LIKE. PERFRECT. FUCK

maddox stop being gay and just KISS ashlyn im so OVER this yearning (i literally do this.)

BENJAMIN !!UR STILL HERE!!! DONT U FKING DARE LEAVE ILY

BRO FR LOOKING LIKE AN EMOJI WAIT A MINUTE

go on benjamin SHOW EMOTIONS !!!

"i am jennifer !! you are?" "unsettled." i LOVE HIM LIKE A SON

nah that boyband faze for jet makes sense tbh like i can see that

AAWWWWWW BENJAMIN :(

can we pls get a new plot because we did in fact save the musical in season one within an episode. like. i KNOW i can probably skip this episode and not miss much

ALL OF THESE FLASHBACKS TO EPISODE ONE JESUS CHRIST AND UR NOT SHOWING NINI LOL I AM HURT

fuck homophobia AND ILYSM MISS JENN <3 I LOVE HER FUCK

not the mention of CATS BOY THAT AINT A GOOD MUSICAL WHY WE LYIN

SEB ????

FUCKING HELL CARLOS

"give him a chance carlos" MOTHER FR

now why are the whole ass drama class on this what the fuck LMAO

NATALIE RETURN OH MY GOD IM SHAKING LMFAO

this is so out of character like bro no ?? that's not making sense

NORTH HIGH WHAT NO

HE'S PLAYING THE **** SONG CARLOS COME ON

so real of richard bowen he said GAY RIGHTS !!!

SEBLOS GETTING BACK TOGETHER WOHOOOOO

GAYS WIN FR

the longest lasting relationship being seblos is so SO funny to me

YES GO TO HIM CARLOS

THANK GOD FOR THE GAYS

cant wait to cry to this song jesus christ

stop they're so in LOVE I CANT DO THIS

GAYS WON GAYS WON GAYS WON GAY RIGHTS GAY RIGHTS GAY RIGHTS SEBLOS SEBLOS SEBLOS SEBLOS

"us?" FUCK THIS IM SO FSKDAJGHFAKJSDGHFKDAS

now why am i not seeing seblos kiss HUH

"oh so she thinks im a leader?" GIRL STOP IT LMAO

rina scene before they even canonically met alr ???

NINI MENTION !!!!!!!!!!!!

"uncle buck?!" reaL REAL I LOVE THAT MOVIE HE NEARLY DRILLED INTO A GUYS HEAD

"good luck skater boy" hmmmmmmmmmmmm anyways

okay now give me a maddox flashblack

FR IT IS MURDER SHE WROTE SO REAL ???? I LOVE MURDER SHE WROTE !! (im an old person at heart)

GIVE ME MISS JENN BACKSTORY

MISS JENN BACKSTORY WOHOOOO

no WAY ALISON ???

SHE RECOGNISED HER HOLY FUCK WHOAAAAA

not the story of the girl at frozen puking again LMAO

"you should do it" DON'T TELL ME IT WAS ALISON WHO DID IT

"i always thought mrs darbus deserved a power ballad" REAL I LOVE HER

no NO NO GIFTS ??? UR NOT ACTUALLY LEAVING

QUEEN?

NO ??? WHAT THE FUCK

MISS JENN TF? NO GIRLIE.

NO

NOT THIS GOOD THING WE HAVE TWO EPISODES LEFT >:(

"i just got here tho :(" maddox ur so funny but NOT NOW

JET DONT BE AN ASS??

how r we gonna move on from this cuz i-

why am i not crying but was crying over the caswen scenes ffs

OH NOW A SONG ???

emmy ???

EMMY !!!!

my daughter fr

11 mins left oh maybe i'll watch it all tonight HEHEHEH

come ONNNNNN EMMY IS SLAYING AGAIN

THIS IS ALSO WHERE I FIND OUT THATS NOT HOW U SPELL HER NAME

MADDOX AND ASH IN THE SAME FRAME IM DELULU

maddox dont look at ash like that cuz ill run w it.

SHE SUNG AT EAST HIGH WOOOOOOOOO

WHAT THE- ALISON READ?

WHA- UHM- BRO-

maddox IS the stage management

SHE WAS ABOUT TO SAY ILY ??// KFHS

WAIT MAYBE I CAN BE A RINA

I DIDNT THINK WE'D GET TO THE ILY FOR RINA SO

HE GOT IN WHOA LETS GO RICHARD

NO SHES ABT TO MOVE OR SOMETHIN I STG NO

ALR THAT EPISODE WENT QUICKER??? IDK MAYBE I JUST WASNT SHOUTING ABT MADLYN AS MUCH LMAO. conclusion:

show's still gay? YUPPERS seblos? YUPPERS maddlyn? ...hopefully yuppers???

[artsychaosbean]

I watched a video and it infuriates me

My issue with the video is this is a mom vs a professional nutritionist. This is another case of a mother who stubbornly thinks she cant possibly be wrong.

I was forced to eat peas and beans, I have autism. I can't handle the texture of peas or beans. I was forced to eat garlic with a garlic allergy.

I was forced to overeat

Many parents not all but MANY parents take a "I know your body best" stance and IGNORE the words of their child. Forcing a kid to eat is just as bad as depriving them of food. and it does cause EDs I went through 2 different eating disorders and my relationship with vegetables and meat has been soured my whole life since I was a child. I have to force myself to eat vegetables and it has to be cooked in specific ways. I don't WANT to be this way and didnt make myself this way. Same with meat, unless its fish I struggle to eat meat even though I love the taste of chicken I was forced to eat so much meat even when full it makes me want to puke.

I developed stomach problems aswell so I cant eat as much anymore and my digestion is messed up. I cant digest beef, pork, brussel sprouts, peppers or beans at all anymore.

So this "Tough love" Mom just comes off ignorant. Shes stuck in that same toxic mind set and keeps talking over the nutritionist who seems like a very polite person. when I was forced to eat food I got an ED that made me have an aversion to food, eating caused me panic attacks. When I was fat shamed despite not eating much bc I did have weight problems even though I ate little, ate healthy and was active, but the result was I started skipping meals and sneakily putting meals back and throwing up. I was starving myself.

Then later on in life I got the opposite end of that eating disorder over being fat shamed and I'd starve myself still at meal times but then guilt binge a bunch of junk food and hide the wrappers and packaging in the garbage, and then guilt starve myself again for eating. it was a vicious cycle.

Some parents do NOT understand that kids aren't just manipulative whiny attention seeking little devils. Which is how they treat their children. STOP EXPECTING THE WORST IN YOUR CHILDREN. COMPROMISE, TALK TO THEM AND TREAT THEM LIKE HUMAN BEINGS.

When you expect the worst in your child and treat them off of that, you cause resentment. When you don't listen to your child even if they never have lied to or manipulated you in their life, you teach them that no one will ever believe them and that affects their self image. When you don't listen to your child on their health, they won't listen to their own body and start ignoring the signs of health complications. That could KILL your child if the psychological damage goes too far. I was ignored on numerous occasions and got injuries from it or ended up almost in the hospital. My mother then turned around and made it all about herself being a victim "IF YOU JUST LISTENED TO ME ABOUT THIS UNRELATED THING A WEEK AGO THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED" as I sit there with my thighs entirely bruised unable to walk bc I had an injury that got irritated bc she forced me out when I told her I couldn't and warned her my injury would get worse. But bc shes the mother she "Knew best" and didn't take responsibility when I got hurt worse bc she ignored me.

Yknow what that taught me? That I can't TRUST my MOTHER to take care of my physical needs. That I have to take full care of myself. This means as a teen I wouldn't tell her if I was in pain, even when it got to the point where I SHOULD have been hospitalized. Because I no longer TRUSTED her to tell her. bc of HER actions and HER words. TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN. LISTEN TO THEM. DONT TAKE THEIR CONCERNS LIGHTLY. and if your child is being "Picky" consult professionals if no way you cook something works. Because if they complain about texture it very well could be adhd or autism. And if its not, and if they dislike that item regardless of how you cook it. Let it go, find other foods they might like in the same food group. Dont like cauliflower? Try broccoli. Again try it in different recipes dont keep trying the same thing over and over expecting them to just "get used to it" bc maybe its the way you cook it. I hate tomatos cooked for example bc of the heat and texture but I love them raw in a salad. It doesn't mean I dont eat tomatos, it just means I don't like them cooked and thats not that hard to do. And NEVER hide the food from your child. If you do that will also create a negative relationship with food and a distrust in you as a parent which will make them LESS likely to willingly try new things which can impact their relationship with other foods. If they don't like hot dogs, try "pigs in a blanket" But dont HIDE that its hotdogs in it, let them know. Make an agreement with your child to try everything ONCE and to try every new recipe ONCE. but don't pressure them or scream at them even if its frustrating. Yelling at your child just makes it harder on them especially if its autism. As a child who was forced into EVERYTHING and never had a choice. I have now grown into an adult with a lot of self image issues, a bad relationship with two essential food groups, and more triggers for my PTSD and Anxiety. It impacted my mental health and self worth. Im not the only one, I have a group of 12 friends on discord who all went through similar things with the same / similar consequences in their life from the issue. We all have a fear of foods now and we all had eating disorders as children and teens bc of our parents.

[thisisanude]

there’s no way out and no matter what someone will end up devastated meaning i will end up devastated as well. there is absolutely no way out that makes me not suicidal and accepting that is the hardest thing. part of me wishes it could go back to many months ago and suppress this feeling before it grew into this, because now it’s gotten too much to handle. i want to die all the time pretty much i don’t see any scenario where im happy if i stay alive. dying would. mean i dont have to deal with it. i really wish i could just disappear so bad i dont want to be conscious anymore i want to die i hate everything about living lately i cant handle any more of it. there is nothing that can fix this and its all fully 200% my fault which is the worst part. i understand why so much of spring semester felt too perfect and felt like something bad was coming, bc it was. i got some big wins and some big happy moments before some of the worst months of my life where i feel absolutely stuck and hopeless and out of control in every single way. i feel like im not even controlling my actions anymore when i used to be able to just get away with not controlling my thoughts. everything feels hopeless. everything feels like there’s no way out, like im stuck. every option i have of getting unstuck just makes me more suicidal and i can’t handle it. i want to go away. i don’t want to interact with anyone for a long time i want to be put away from every single person including my family and best friends. i don’t wanna talk to anyone or see anyone and most of all i don’t want anyone to see me. being perceived is like the worst thing that could happen at this point i really can’t be perceived in any capacity right now and i just want to wither away into nothing. i can never be truly happy i can’t and every time i have a small amount of hope thinking maybe everything will be ok it gets brushed away. i feel the most alone i’ve ever been in my life and not being able to tell anyone my true feelings has made this that much harder. it’s hard not to start crying in random locations at random times, or sometimes even straight up puking bile. i miss being able to eat normally and not feeling so nauseous all the time. i miss feeling like i am a good person with good intentions. i miss feeling like im myself like im not dissociating as hard as possible and wanting to for once because it’s better than feeling like a human at this time when nothing feels normal at all. i want to puke bile and foam every day. i can’t wait for this era of my life to be over but i think it’s going to get worse before it gets better. i am trying so hard to not cry right now cuz m and a are right there in the same room as me right now. this is genuinely a type of pain i had NEVER felt before and hoped to never feel and i hate it more than anything like i feel like this hurts worse than anything else ive been through, which says a lot because i feel like when my cat died that was the most depressed and hopeless i’ve ever been. but honestly this feels like im even. more depressed and hopeless and way more alone. i had an excuse then. i guess i kinda have one now but not as much as most ppl know. i just want to puke. i cannot handle anything i want to die pretty much all the time please cant i just feel normal again soon. please God, the universe, anybody, please let me feel okay again no matter what that means for my life please let me feel like myself again and like i can be okay again. i don’t know if there will ever be a point when i will be.

[bw-ventblog]

This is literally just for me to vent and diary about so here I go

Just got out of massive depressive episode and haven't had an alcoholic drink in a week, which is a big deal for me. I'm usually drunk or high to get through the day. I know its not healthy but like? I cant afford to see a doctor or get medicine to help me. That costs hundreds or thousands or dollars. A bottle of vodka is like $15

I dont wanna be dependent on these things but there are days I wake up and just sob because I feel so pathetic and hopeless about the future. My disability prevents me from movimg away but I desperately want to get out of this house

My mom touched me when I was 4. It was like a weirdly repressed memory until recently, and now that it's back it's like it's been laser engraved into my brain. Every time I see her I get phantom pains. It flashes theough my head every SINGLE time. I think about how it was the worst pain I've ever endured, having her finger shoved inside of me as I kicked and screamed and begged her to stop. On top of that theres just so much else. She's called me slurs before, calling me a "half-breed n*gger d*yke" and a "r*tarded cripple". She made fun of my developing body, mocked the size of my aerolas to the point I'm still self conscious about it as a 24 y/o. She was always making comments about how fat bodies are disgusting and she hated "cows"; I was so afraid of her thinking of me like that I developed anorexia and battled it for 3 long years.

When I was little and struggling with mental illness, she had our police officer neighbor come over and tell me that my parents were going to send me away because I was such a horrible kid. She threatened to send me to a group home or give me away to foster care if I didn't listen to her and perform as expected. She used to grab me in a chokehold and force tabasco sauce into my mouth when I was like 7, and the taste and pain was so much I'd vomit. She'd smack me across the face or shove me into the wall kr refrigerator, then make me clean up the puke before sending me to my room. Once she even dragged me by my hair to the bathroom, bodily threw me into the tub, and hosed me down with freezing cold water after I threw up on my clothes.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that that's NOT NORMAL. That all of those things were incredibly abusive and traumatizing. And this woman has the gall to say she loves me and always did her best to care for me. I am terrified to be at home. I had to move back in with my parents during covid due to my worsening health putting me in a wheelchair. I can't work so I can't move out, I feel constantly trapped and afraid. She randomly threatens to throw me out once every few months, and constantly guilt trips and belittles me about the slightest thing. I just stay locked in my room most of the time because I'm scared to be around her

[2much4me-4ever]

Songs are definitly one thing. I kinda like songs with romance themes (i relate them to ships i like) but 'hot sex songs' are definitly weird to me. For example, 'señorita'? I I always Ignored the obvious implications and was like woo two people on the beach, dancing, drama ... iiks. I just don't think lyrics are the best way to express sexual crawings. Still, music was and is the easiest way for me to relate to allosexual feelings (Though I don't want to know what it's like to be a sex repulsed person in this oversexulised world. Iiks.)

Books are heartbreaking. I myself don't really read action, and only a small amount of fantasy.

I mostly read Fanfiction online, out of financial reasons and for easier accsess, but those rarely compare to a good, actual GOOD book. My prefered genre is kinda hard to describe, but I enjoy be Slice of life or similar stories where a persons thoughts are the main content of the book.

I have a really hard time finding those types of book, and have stood multiple hour in bookshops finding nothing that suites my taste.

Why? I prefer these books without romance. And there is literally nothing of good & modern writing that fits that descibtion. Every book about a singular persons life centers about their love life. That shit makes me want to puke. I just want to read, and I want to cry when i cant find anything i can even remotly relate with.

I have tried to be less picky, but it's literally impossible.

I searched multiple forums for books with no romance, no matter the genre. The result? -Books where the characters are minors, and therefore no romance

-Books like Alice Osmans, that are ment for teens, therefore written in a pleasure-chasing kind of way

-Classics, (I have mostly already read), who offer no new Intelectual Riddeling, and (mostly) written a way that makes me take 5-10 minutes to read a paige

-Terrible books with terrible plot by terrible writers

-Books with 'a little romance'

Basically, there is nothing (new) for me to read, sonce every 'good' book requiers a romance, apparently. Im despairing over here. And the f worst is, im shure there are books of the kind i'd like to read, but there is no forum / genre name for them. If I had one, I could just google ''the genre' without romance' but there is no name and it drives me crazy!!!!

Back to normal Books, i presume you know 'Fourth Wing' ? I have not read it, but due to a conversation with an accquaintince, I know the plot. Or, she told me about five facts about the book, and I could guess the entire plot. The male main characters hair colour? No problem, every enemys to lovers MLI has Black hair. What, she is frail and weak, but turns out to be compleatly overpowered? Oh suprise!! Her beau is actually on the good side AND they start to overtrow an opressive regime? NEVER would have guessed.

Im not saying this bad or whatever, and there is definitly more work put into the book than following bland stereotypes, but the fact that this book is so crazy popular definitly says something about the readers.

I myself read lighter novels to relax, which I call 'pleasure reading' so I can't really judge romance readers. What I do judge is the commercialisation (Is that a word (*sweating*)) of writing. It's hard to write a good novel under the pressure of having to releasing one every one to two years or fucking die jobless.

So what do writers do? They use tropes and sub-genres to draw in more readers. Romance is insanely popular and doesn't need a complex world building, just a few additional characters and another twist in the backstory of the MC (-and you've totally ruined your novel).

Your sister's problem seems definitly rooted in those shows. Like I don't know her but those are deeply problematic for children. They don't get that Marinette Or Whomever the Heroine is, are not looking like a normal human does. Same for frozens Elsa, etc. Their proportions are off, the eyes to big, waist to slim, skin to clear. These standarts are not humanly possible becourse they are not human! They are animated characters..

If you think about it, the reason those character in childrens shows are 'attractive' is pretty terrifing. Children don't get what 'attractive' is. Elsa could look like an old cartoon Donald Duck to them, ir woudn't matter, but those views on 'being a pretty princess is fun' are placed in little girls heads trough those shows.

No girl gets born and thinks she has to be pretty. They get thought they have to be, and that its 'fun' and 'normal' to be pretty by series, movies, parents, teachers, advertisments, the childrens clothing section. This frustrates me so deeply.

(My friends sister has had long hair down to her waist as long as i can remember. Before she could make that desicion, her mom made it for her, no matter how bothering long hair can be on a child. She grows up not knowing how easy and refreshing short hair is, and Im despairing over Why that has to be. She doesn't even consider it a valid option.

Again, I have crazy strong views on everything. If needed, just Ignore my vent, I won't mind.

Thanks for reading this shit :)

I love singing love songs as aroace bc I will ALWAYS sing them w more passion than anyone else in the room (unrelated?) and ppl think i have a Romeo and Juliet (not rlly abt love but yk) kind of love story

[shameboree]

Could you tell us more about your bad vives AU? I love your art btw <3

okay id like to preface with a lot of it is VIBES which means if smth doesnt make sense i need everyone to suspend the FUCK out of their disbelief dont question me we are here for a GOOD TIME and a GOOD TIME ONLY. here are some bullet points largely summing up things ive already drawn!!!! pls note my fav kind of Time Stuff is bullshit miserable groundhog day style time loops

-chat blanc gets the bunny miraculous we dont ask questions about this

-he SLINKS ARND IN THE SHADOWS of paris for a while and it builds up marinettes paranoia bc shes TOTALLY 100% SEEN CHAT NOIR and knows that absolutely he isnt akumatized so she gaslights herself into thinking she hasnt caught random glimpses of chat blanc BUT ALSO spirals into a state of FULL BLOWN constant fight or flight response and wont sleep so that shes not vulnerable

-blah blah chat blanc drops in on her while adrien is arnd entirely bc i really wanted to draw that thing of adrien doing the Mom Arm when the car stops too fast bc this whole sitch is just a violent messy WRECK. anyway chat blancs whole attitude is like hewwo my love <:3c im here to give us a super romantic ending <:3c and marinettes response to everything is just like. okay cool, i am going to puke now!! meanwhile adriens just like what the FUCK is happening here

-anyway. more cat n mouse games. ANYWAY. at some point its lb vs cb but chat blanc is just having a great week and WINNING so gets her earrings or smth who cares and successfully romeo and juliets himself n marinette yandere style. a VERY ROMANTIC ENDING bc nothing was ever gonna fix things OBVI so ofc they have to just die in each others arms 💖

-YES adrien experiences massive manpain NO i dont care anyones opinion on it bc i love to see the kids cry. OBVI he is catastropically devastated and NO there is no identity reveal hes just deeply and viciously torn tf UP over marinette getting dead and also feeling completely helpless AND ALSO ALSO like hes the one to blame <:3

-everyone is so catatonic in the wake of No More Marinette that even adrien doesnt notice ladybug hasnt been arnd since

-idk. timeloop shit. adriens stuck in a cycle of the night before (V HARD TO GET A HEAD START IN SUCH A SHORT TIMEFRAME!!) day of, n day after (so no matter what he always has to reexperience the aftermath hehe). i am actually not a huge fan of when longer timespan loops get past mid teens (ESP when it gets to TRIPLE DIGITS???!) bc it feels like it cheapens the experience and also acute stress is sexier than chronic SO ANYWAY. eventually he will obviously succeed in brking the loop and keeping marinette frm dying. good for him.

-every loop is a little different bc every loop marinette CANT PUT HER FINGER ON IT but she knows something is Not Right, which chat blanc is ALSO feelin, so every time they react or do smth diff which means adrien is constantly having to deal w CHANGING VARIABLES !! hes having a bad time. marinette is having a bad time. chat blanc is having a very good time

-final actual confrontation or whatever is pure marichat (DOUBLETEAM. MARI IS AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT EVEN AS A CIVILIAN. YOU GO BABY!!). ive only drawn adrinette moment but the whole thing is very marichat bc im PREDICTABLE!! anyway no lb bc marinette freaks out cb is gonna take her earrings or cataclysm them so she just straight up swallows em. good job baby.

-THE END BABY!! epilogue reveal EVENTUALLY but for quite some time after they are both quietly carrying the weight of their secret traumas alone w neither of them having a full picture of the situation but not knowing it. what a good time :)

i think this looks v adrien focused but they are all having their separate little stories here and its largely marinette feeling isolated and small for all her mistakes, and chat blanc feels like the worst possible one she has or could ever make so she cant consider asking anyone, let alone CHAT NOIR HIMSELF!! to help her, which just makes everything 100000x harder. by the end of the STORY PROPER she accepts she can trust herself in chat noirs hands but shes still too scared to put her full weight on him bc she doesnt wanna FUCK UP. meanwhile adrien wont say shit to her abt it bc he doesnt wanna burden her w his SECRETS also hes drownin in guilt. also eventual identity reveal changes nothing for him in terms of grief bc he already felt like he died every time marinette did except worse bc he had to just keep living anyway :) but now also hes afraid of an identity reveal for probably obvious reasons. and then beloved CHAT BLANC man of the HOUR switched gears frm wanting to Fix things to wanting to destroy things bc hes a fucking yandere wifeguy OKAY. he knows he is forever RUINED for love of marinette and since he cant have her future is instead entirely focused on making sure he has all of her end <:3c

dw the kids are gonna be OKAY. they are insane and the power of LOVE will help pull them thru, theyre just going to be incredibly clingy for the rest of their LIVES

i love to draw very cutesy w soft and warm palettes and then have the Content be batshit miserable badtimes. i also like to draw a lot of goofy moments btwn and during the Traumas bc i love to be a dumbass

THIS ENDED UP SO LONG SORRY EVERYONE!!! please enjoy my unhinged misery porn 😊💖

[duckugou]

@ my worst (nsfw)

Iwaizumi x fem!reader

cw: ANGST as hell, smut, bathroom sex, public sex, unprotected sex, biting, marking vaguely, toxic relationship, toxic friendship. just toxic all around, theyre like 24 lmao

MINORS AND AGELESS BLOGS DNI

!!come to my asks to be a part of my taglist! just let me know what kinds of fics/ what fandom/ what characters/ etc you want to be tagged in! Requests are open!!!!

------------------------------------------------------

He finds solace in burying himself in someone new once things get too committed with his current fling.

You find solace in being used by the man you love the most.

"maybe im the best mistake you ever made. sounds so fuckin beautiful when you say my name."

Every friday night, he found himself clung to your side in your bed after he stumbled there from the club. You left the door unlocked for him, knowing what he would end up doing. Even if it killed you.

He smelled like a different girl whenever he laid with you. Some times it was cheap vanilla. Other times it was a more expensive floral. Either way, it was always subtly masked by the smell of his sweat.

You couldn't help but find yourself feeling at home due to the subtle scent of him. You allowed yourself to lay on his chest while he murmured that you were the best thing to ever happen to him.

During his sober hours, he was the sweetest. He never gave a second thought when it came to giving you the world. Coffee in the mornings, memes sent to your phone during work hours to cheer you up, and dinner at night. It was a dream. It was amazing bliss for both of you- until anyone brought it up.

"maybe im the worst, the worst you ever had. tell you youre beautiful then stab you in the back."

"Damn! Flowers, huh? You finally decide to lock her down or what, Iwa?" Oikawa asked, making the both of your heads whip around to him as everyone in the crew approached.

This sentence made both of you want to puke.

He wanted to puke because commitment scared him shitless. He didn't know how to be with just one person, even if you had his heart in full. He didn't want to disappoint you in the long run and hurt you more than everything hes done combined.

You wanted to puke because you knew what comes next. Every time someone brings it up to him- that you two should date and are basically a couple. He would distance himself more and more each time. 'here comes the hurt' you thought to yourself.

"No, what the fuck- why do you always ask that? What I cant be nice to my friend?" Iwaizumi asked, flustered and red.

"You never give me flowers!" Oikawa said, jokingly holding his heart in fake pain.

"Yeah because you fucking suck." He said, looking back to you and the flowers he bought from the lady on the street corner. "These- a lady was selling them and I felt bad, ok? Dont like- I'm not- It's not like that." He stuttered out, shattering your heart all over again.

"I know." You respond, defeated.

"Right. Well, I gotta go." He wiped his hands on his jeans, looking towards the exit.

"What? You just got here-" Oikawa began, getting interrupted.

"Yeah, forgot about a previous uh- responsibility. I'll see you all later." He brushed his friend off, walking out, not looking back at you.

You eyes would've filled with tears had this been one of the first times, but it wasnt. A sigh leaving your mouth, you sent a glare to Oikawa and shoved the flowers to his chest.

"Why do you always have to bring that shit up?" You ask harshly.

"You two obviously like each other- its so stupid."

"It's also none of your business." You sighed.

----

"dont try to call, do not disturb, i do not want to speak."

Walking back to his place, Iwaizumi knew his friends were right. Y/n was someone he should 'lock down'. Nobody has ever understood him the way she did. Nobody else takes time with him like her.

But that's the scariest part. If he was to commit to her, he multiplies the chance of her being crushed by him by 100. And he couldn't live with that.

So he decided to do what he did best. Push her away again.

----

"the more you try to fix me the more you make it worse."

Friday came along sooner than she thought it would. The days of the week passed by with no contact from Iwa. Y/n shouldn't be surprised. The longest he went was 2 and a half weeks and its only been 4 days. Sure he would hold out even longer this time, she began to think about how easy her life would be without him. Without loving him.

But it was too easy to love him when things were good. He was perfect for her- he just can't see it.

This pattern has made her numb. It hurts every single time she gets close to him again. She finds herself missing his scent on her sheets and realizes how awful the situation is- and will continue being- if she doesnt change something herself. She couldnt keep depending on him to crawl back to her apologizing- because what if he doesnt this time?

Getting up from the couch and brushing her stray tears away, Y/n decided to have a trial run of sorts. 'Lets see what life would be like without him for real' she thought to herself.

Sitting in front of her vanity, Y/n took in her disheveled appearance. This is what he reduced her to, and he didn't show any signs of caring or stopping the pattern.

Standing up and letting go of a deep breath she didn't know she was holding, Y/n walked to the bathroom to shower. Tonight would be the night things changed.

Right?

----

Walking into the club with her wallet and phone in hand, Y/n looked around, taking in her unfamiliar surroundings- fighting the urge to turn and run out.

Once she sat at the bar, Y/n felt a little more comfortable, letting her shoulders relax as she ordered a drink.

"I fucking love that dress!" A shrill voice sounded next to her as a pretty blonde turned in her seat to face Y/n.

"Oh- thank you! Your makeup is amazing!" Y/n returned the compliment, appreciating the shadow the stranger put on her eyelids.

"Thank you! I'm Lily!" The stranger said, instantly warming up to the nervous girl.

"Y/n, nice to meet you." Y/n introduced herself, taking a sip of her drink.

"What brings you here all alone?" Lily inquired, forgetting about the friends she came with and focusing on Y/n.

"Ah, heartbreak. Ya know." Y/n didn't want to dive into any details, giving the girl a short explanation.

"Oh god, I know that too well. Was it some guy?"

"Yeah- just some guy." Y/n sighed.

"Fuck men! Thats it- we aren't gonna sit here and be sad! Not on my watch! C'mon!" Lily stood up, grabbing Y/n's hand and strutting off to the dancefloor.

Taken back by the sudden warmth of the stranger in the best way, Y/n smiled. Tonight would be different.

"OH MY GOD THE PERFECT SONG!" Lily shouted over the music as none other than doja cat started playing over the speakers of the club. "DOIN TOO MUCH RELAX A BIT!" She began singing, taking Y/n's hands and putting them in the air, fingers interlocked.

"ACTIN LIKE THAT CUZ YOUR DADS A BITCH!" Y/n joined in, letting herself simply enjoy the night.

"MUST BE THE WAY THAT THE PLANETS IS!" Lily shouted, smiling.

"MUST BE YA FACE CUZ ITS NOT YA DICK!" The two girls sang in unison, laughing.

Across the club, Iwaizumi stood with a random tall red head, mind absolutely blank as he caught sight of his best friend dancing with a cute blonde.

Taken back, he felt all of the blood in his body rush to his head. Why the fuck was she here- in a club? With some random girl? In that dress? What is happening- what alternate universe is he in?

The way you danced around to this song made his heart ache. He hurt you again.

He stood and watched helplessly as you and your new friend were approached by 2 men. They seemed to introduce themselves to you, asking to dance. And you accepted.

Iwaizumi watched you dance with a glow around you, thinking about how happy you seemed without him. But it wasn't fair. What about him, right? I mean, he's not even having fun! This redhead is so-

"Boring." He finished his thought out loud to himself.

"Whats that?" The red head asked.

"I need another drink." He walked away, eyes held on your figure in that stupid dress.

Running directly into you, nudging you away from the tall man in front of you with his shoulder, Iwaizumi faked innocence.

"Oh shit- I'm so sorry- Y/n?" He asked as if he didn't know.

"Oh- hi Iwazumi." You replied, shaken from the impact of him both physically and emotionally.

"im not ready for you to forget me."

"What are you doing here?" He asked, not minding any listening ears near by.

"I'm just...trying to have fun." You explained, feeling drained by his presence.

"tell you you're beautiful then stab you in the back"

"Well, you look great." He offered, remembering how great you felt in his arms, not wanting you to bed in this random guys arms tonight instead. "Careful with this one," he said to the man. "Shes a lot to handle."

"What's that supposed to mean?" You asked, taken back yet again.

"Oh you know. She can be a little much- especially in the bedroom!" He spoke to the man as if he asked, knowing he hadn't slept with you more than one time at Bokuto's birthday party during seven minutes in heaven. It turned into 30 minutes in bliss, which ended in him not speaking to you for a week.

"Excuse me?!" You shouted, shoving Iwa.

"Do you two have something-" The man started.

"No!"

"Yup."

You both stood silent, staring at each other. Why would he say yes-

"Sorry buddy, you can have her tonight though." Iwa patted the man on the back, walking away.

"Uh, I'm not gonna get in the middle of all of that- sorry sweetheart." The man said, offering a sorry expression and walking away.

Anger bubbled up in your chest and your eyes found Iwazumi's figure walking to the bathrooms.

Storming into the men's bathroom, you looked around, only seeing Iwazumi. Locking the door, you were determined to hash this out once and for all.

"this is the end this is the end this is the end of me"

"Hey, this is the mens bathroom-" He began, interrupted by your hands on his chest, shoving him.

"What in the FUCK what that?! You don't get to not talk to me for days and then- GOD we only had sex ONE FUCKIN TIME IWA." You shouted.

"Dont care. Dont want you in some random assholes bed." He stood his ground, looking down at you- down your dress momentarily.

"Oh but it's okay for you to fuck anything on legs, yeah? You're such an asshole- you don't get to choose for me."

"I'm just helping you out, princess."

"HELPING ME OUT?! Helping me out. Well, you can help by figuring out what the fuck you want from me. I'm done being used by you. I'm done going days being ignored and I'm done pretending I dont lo-" You shouted through fresh tears.

"Dont." He interrupted, stepping closer to you.

"Dont what? Say I love you?" You challenged.

"You dont."

"Yes I fucking do Iwaizumi." You stood your ground, stepping closer to him, noticing the breath hitch in his chest.

"Fuck." He muttered, his hand finding the back of your neck and kissing you. Kissing you like you were oxygen and the world was running out. Kissing you like a starved man finding food in the desert. Kissing you like-

Like he loved you.

But he didn't right?

Pushing you against the sink, he put his hands on the back of your thighs, setting you on the counter.

"Y/n I- fuck. What are you doing? With me? Why me? You can do so much better- I'm the worst." He asked, foreheads touching.

"Hajime. I wish I knew why I'm so drawn to you. You're my best friend- you get me." You whispered.

"What if I hurt you?" He asked, pain in his chest.

"What if you don't?"

His mind raced with that thought, diving into fantasies of being together with you, kissing you whenever he wanted, sharing a bedroom, having kids maybe.

His mouth found yours again as he pulled your hips closer to him, his center in-between your spread legs.

You felt the straps of your dress being pulled down, revealing your braless chest.

"Shit, Y/n. So pretty. So perfect-" His lips landed on your right nipple, hand tweaking the left as you moaned. You threw your head back and felt your heart flutter.

"Haji-" You moaned out, needing him. He was what you needed. He always was.

"More." He said, pushing your dress up your legs and taking your soaked panties off. "Need you." He muttered out, lips attaching themselves to your neck, a finger diving into your entrance, causing you to scream out in pleasure. You hands searched for his hardening dick through his pants, finding it and rubbing it.

"Shit Iwa." Your moans egged him on, another finger burying itself inside you as he searched for the spot that would make you twitch.

And when he found it, you were putty in his hands.

"Haji!" You screamed, your hand gripping his dick through his pants and making him groan into your ear. "Please please please!" You begged him, needing to cum.

"Cum on my fingers, princess. Remind me what it feels like. C'mon baby." The feeling of his breath as he whispered names to you sent you over the edge. Cumming all over his hand, you moaned him name over and over.

Iwaizumi pulled his pants down, spitting in his hand and stroking his cock as you came down from your first high.

"Need to be in you." He muttered, lining himself up, not waiting for you to be fully done riding out your orgasm.

Thrusting in, you both moaned out at the same time. Nothing has ever felt as good as his cock in you. The world was fuzzy as you became overstimulated from him fucking you so hard.

His right hand behind your head as he kissed and bit your neck all over, leaving marks. His left hand holding your hips down so he could rut into you properly.

"Mine." He growled against your neck, needing to mark you. "You're fucking mine. I'm yours- shit. I'm yours Y/n. Take me please. Yours yours yours." The words fell off of his lips, finally saying what he's wanted to all along. And he meant it.

"Mine! Fuck Haji- you're mine promi-ise!" You moaned out, feeling everything collide in your core.

"Gonna fuck you forever- only pussy I need. Only one I wa-ant. Fuck baby."

"Haji-i-i! Too-oo much- fuck!" You screamed out, second orgasm coming fast as his first approached.

"Hold it for me, princess. Wan' cum with you." He muttered, feeling your walls tighten and strangle his cock.

"Ca-ant!" You yelled, trying to hold back as he thrusted, his dick twitching inside of you, hips stuttering.

"Fucking hold it." He demanded, fingers gripping your hip harder with every second that passed and he felt himself get closer.

"Cum with me princess." He said, letting you both fall over the edge, you head resting in his shoulder as he continued to fuck him cum into you on the bathroom counter.

Heavy breaths filled the room as you came down from your highs. He lifted your chin from his shoulder, kissing you softly.

"You mean it, Haji?" You asked, overly sensitive and needing to be told everything you want to hear.

"'Course I do. 'S always been you princess." He felt his chest tighten as he realized what he's admitted to.

"could you love me at my worst?"

Pulling out, he helped you clean yourself off with toilet paper- joys of bathroom sex.

You both got dressed and you face the mirror, fixing your hair and makeup as best as you could.

You both walked out together, his hand in yours as you walked down the street to your apartment. That's why he ended up at yours all the time, after all. You were close. You made sense.

Changing into a big t-shirt, Iwaizumi stripping down to his boxers, you both cuddled in your bed, his own scent the only one on him besides your own perfume. His scent able to really seep into your sheets.

"demons are friends, angels are enemies."

You fell asleep with a smile.

He fell asleep with self destructive thoughts racing through his head. He's never been good at fighting those demons telling him he's not enough and doesn't deserve you.

----

You woke up and rolled over, expecting to see your Haji.

But the bed was empty. Every trace of him was gone besides the smell of him on your bed.

In that moment you knew- you were going to be stuck in this pattern with him forever. And you couldn't stop it.

And in 2 weeks when he calls you apologizing, you would let him crawl back into your bed.

Fresh tears streamed down your face as you rolled back over, holding your pillow tightly, crying yourself back to sleep.

"Could you love me at my worst?"

----

Iwaizumi walked into the apartment he shared with Oikawa, spotting the brunette sitting on the couch drinking his coffee.

"When are you gonna stop this shit with Y/n? You're hurting her." Oikawa asked lightly.

"It'll hurt more if I-"

"Youre a pussy, Hajime. Grow up." Oikawa spoke harshly, standing up and walking past him to his bedroom, ready to text you about how you deserve better, knowing you'd never let yourself let Iwaizumi go. No matter how badly you both hurt, this toxic cycle was permanent.

Stepping into the shower, Iwaizumi thought about last night and how you felt. In his arms, around his dick, everything.

He cried for 30 minutes in the shower before crawling into his bed, crying himself to sleep as well.

"Could you love me at my worst?"

The answer would always be yes, no matter how bad the worst gets.

[lunarifie]

Rewatching Ninjago:

(With no context other than the episode)

Rebooted episode 6-7

Broooo this is the episode where they get all their powers back!!! The exact moment Lloyds no longer the golden ninja.

Why is Garmadon against it??? His son was targeted for his golden power and he himself was teaching Lloyd how to NOT depend on his golden power. Seems kinda hypocritical.

I cant take the overlord seriously anymore after he was puked out by Pythor-

Nooooo. Whos idea was it for all three of them to go to the movies with the tension they had 😭

Lloyd and Jay both like Fritz donnegan, the comic book guy which is absolutely amazing and i think we should talk about it more

Im sorry who tf throws popcorn at ppl being disruptive thats even worse.

Kai flirting is so funny. NFHSNFJSJBR PIXAL KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING She just wanted to embarrass him and i find that hilarious

Kai: Relaaaaax every car works differently

Pixal: Yes, but this car is worth far more than you so i’d advise you to be cafeful

I dont remember Pixal having this much personality 💀

Pixal wasn’t even there and she still accomplished more

Pythor: YOU

Kai: me? (Gets fucking totaled)

IS HE KIDNAPPED?!?!?

Nya towards Jole the robot: I can fix him.

They’re really putting pressure on her like damn, I get that it can be frustrating but give her time. She’s not TRYING to string you two along.

OH RIGHT THEY WENT BACK IN TIME.

Ooooo the golden weapons are back

The ancient city of oroboros!!!!

They really brought everything full circle huh

Wu: and how do you know nindroids will be there.

Garmadon, menacingly as lightning crackles: Faith.

HFISNFJSBRUS

Thats not a very solid answer my guy

JESUS CHRIST

Did they HAVE to tie Kai up like that that looks so painful 😭 that is probably the worst way to dislocate a shoulder

ARE THEY GOING TO SPACE????

They’re going to fucking space.

The elevator music. Their done with this shit faces. Their bodies just bopping and floating around. Im dead.

Hilarious hows everyones serious or freaking out and Jays having the time of his life

Jay: I thought this was stuff only Fritz donnegan gets to enjoy!

Lloyd: Fritz is from a comic book! THIS IS REAL.

Jay: Well you got me hooked on the character! Lighten up a little!

I feel like an arc where Jay teaches Lloyd that growing up doesn’t mean you have to stop having fun, being childish, and indulging in kid stuff would be nice

Jay: hehe, his wisdom usually takes a while to set in.

Jay (shaking the camera): BUT WE DONT HAVE A WHILE-

Oh damn I forgot Zane was a robot

Weird how he doesn’t need air

The way Zane slowly started drifting and frantically breathing was so similar to a panic attack it made me concerned

I just noticed, the ninja aren’t really great at being the main thing a ninjas supposed to be. Stealthy. I get that it moves the plot forward but still.

I love how, yes, the ninja bash on each other as a joke, but if one of them does something cool they all become that persons cheerleader

(Rips a part of the ship and throws it at a nindroid) Cole: hope we didnt need that :)

Cole: I owe you one.

Jay: okay! Stay away from Nya.

Cole: uhhh, a different one.

Istg Cole is just doing this to mess with him I don't believe he has any romantic feelings towards her 💀

I bet theres bloopers where the voice-actors werent able to say ‘cockpit’ without breaking down

Nindroids: (scared)

Jay: HA! They do have expressions!!!

Nindroids: (get fucking obliterated)

Jay: nevermind…..

Seeing the overlords body and form is kinda disappointing ngl

I liked the veil of mystery

Jay: Would you look at that!!! Its an extraterrestrial life form!

Cole: ….

Cole: Its a bug.

Jay: im gonna call him glowy :) oh look! Glowy can fly :D

Oh shit its a parasite

Love when the ninja work as a team

Damn.

I don’t even remember how they get out of this one

Holy shit, Kais voice sounds so pained when he informed Pixal, Nya, Wu and Garmadon that they failed. Like it was so raw, props to the voice actor.

[pinkpruneclodwolf]

Good afternoon!!!! I have a new idea for a fic that I will crank out once I'm done w the second part of the prologue jhfksjfs also i just have been woken up from my nap and decided to choose violence so CRANKING THE ANGST TO THE MAX WE GOOOOOOO!!!! Okay but like in the world of twst people born w magic are born w cores in their bodies right??? and thats how they're able to manipulate magic AND properly articulate the magic in their body so that they don't die bc of it (its also why pens and magic gems are a thing so that the blot in their body so it doesn't result into them imploding bc of it) what if Yuu essentially bc they dont have a core and therefore their body cant regulate the magic and blot properly gets sick bc of it and gets filled w blot??? and just like a bottle thats full and overflowing w it---it leaks out thru them coughing or even puking blot???? in worst case scenarios even their tears and sweat and blood have been turned to blot (and slowly their whole body and mind would be too).

And the worst part is that its painful---bc blot not only brings out the worst of you and dials it to the max---its literal magic waste and is toxic as hell. Its like being dunked in poison or having needles crawl into your veins. Its not a pretty situation to be in---especially in the long run and with the amount of stressful situations Yuu has found themselves in---Its actually surprising that Yuu just didn't die with the amount of blot that's accumulated in their body.

Imagine in the worst case scenario Yuu is somewhere in ramshackle all alone bc they've driven everyone away from them (bc of fear and shame and self-loathing) and the blot overflowing from their body and cannot move bc of the sheer pain and numbness they feel bc of it. Imagine all the regret, pain, and anguish they feel in the moment and just the want to go apeshit and let it all out but be unable to because you're body isn't built for it so you're just stuck there dying and slowly rotting away until your feeling swallow you whole.

Anyways I might add on this later but for now I hope you have a nice day!!! :heart:

I actually believe historically that blot doesn't just affect Magicians.

There have been multiple theories that say that magic is an accumulative force (accumulating power, accumulating blot) or that it can have its own scientific classification up there with atoms, neutrons, protons, and electrons.

The idea of a magicless person OB isn't that far fetched when you consider those possibilities. For all we know Ortho could've been magicless and OB'ed due to an overexposure of magic (and subsequently blot)

It would then make sense that Yuu would accumulate blot (and subsequent magic, like Bruce getting the Hulk from gamma rays) bc they've essentially spent the whole year encountering magic with no outlet.

It was an oversight basically.

Yuu has been exposed to more magic than any magicless person, i say this bc 1: NRC is a magical school full of kids willing to blast magic at you with zero provocation (the Prologue, the Egg incident, etc) 2: There are rules and regulations for using magic in public, OB might not be common (Crowley said that OB are only once in a lifetime) laws and regulations would make sure it never happens bc phantoms do live on when the magician dies.

There are seemingly no rules in NRC aside from 'don't fight' but that doesn't include using magic—

What I'm saying is Yuu has been in countless situations where a magical murder mental breakdown was needed but hasn't happened yet i wouldn't be surprised if instead of Grim eating/absorbing Yuu, Yuu does an uno reverse card and absorbs Grim due to having accumulated more blot.

I think of Magicless people getting the symptoms of OB the same way as rabies—you think your fine (rabies can stay in the body for a couple days up to a whole ass year *looks at Yuu*) but in your last moments your rabid, in pain, feverish, and in that delirium Yuu would possibly push their friends away.

The core of a magician could be the heart, meaning that in place of blood, its blot. It would make sense that Yuu's body would slowly breakdown considering that blot is the toxic waste of magic one would need to be in the hospital for years trying to help the body relearn pumping blood even if it was just for a day.

Basically, Yuu either has to major plot armour or their body has adjusted to blot which opens a whole new can of worms.

[xlysaaa]

Ahhhhhh

Ok, so this might become a bit of a long post. After reading the latest Kono oto Tomare! chapter, i just have to get these feelings off my chest. It'll be random & full ramblings.

i put some panels of chapter 105 but also from 99.5 in this post.

-> lot of spoilers, so read at your own risk <-

this wont be a review or something. I just want to ramble and scream.

First of all, Chikas father . . .

I have literally no fucking words for this sorry excuse of a father! seeing this flashback made me wanna puke my fucking guts out on the floor.

how much do you have to sink as a human being to make YOUR VERY OWN CHILD think this?

What kind of human scum do you have become to tell to YOUR VERY OWN SON " It's hell. Ever since you were born, Its always been hell." ?! What kind of heartless huge shit being do you have to be to treat your very own son like he's the worst, like he isnt worth of human affection or care?!

While Chika was scared & uncomfortable, because he punched someone for the first time to defend himself, instead of talking about it the father looked at him like he was dirt.

When Chika went to the Takaokas that day in Chapter 99.5, he brought back come of the selfmade cake from Tetsukis mum, because he wanted to share it with his father, he thought he could make him happy.

look at this adorable sweet baby bean? how dare you make him cry. ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽

Imagine a little smiling chika hoping his father would come back early from work to share this delicious cake with him. . . and THEN! imagine the father telling chika in his drunk state all those horrible things, while chika still cares for his father and put a blanket on him to keep him warm. Only for the faher to say ".. I cant bringt myself to love you."

We read in the latest chapter that his mother left with another man, chika cant even remember her face, because he was 2 years old. If its because of the dad, why wouldnt she take chika with her? i dont care whatever her business is, she is as much to blame as this human trash called father. There were so many moments were i had to pause for a bit cause these scenes were too heartbreaking.

Of course Chika would never treasure himself when never once did his father! How should he know how to hold himself dear, when his father never did?

I cant find even the words to describe, what i'm feeling. I feel so sick to my stomach.

I'm so glad that he had his grandpa who cherished him and gave Chika affection. He always encouraged Chika. "Hey, Chika. Dont give up on yourself" & showed him the Koto. He & Tetsuki literally pulled Chika out of the deep darkness & showed him light.

Look Chika, they're all waiting for you! T____T

- - - - - - -- - - - - - -

When Tetsuki transfered into Chikas class, a boy told him that he shouldnt get involved with chika because he's a loner & he's trouble. He said "Instead you can be friend with us" to which Tetsuki replied "Thanks. But no thanks." IN YO FACE YOU SHITTY BULLY CHILD.

Anyways, after school the boy & his friends planed to isolate Tetsuki & bully him . . welp, these boys forget chika "LAME. You guys are super lame." and off they go :'D thank to these shitty children ⬇️

a wonderful unbreakable friendship started! They became best friends who were inseparable. /chikas adorable blush q.q sweet baby bean!!!

When Chika had an argument with his father & left the house, he was bullied by middles schoolers & fought. . . it was then when they started to slowly fall apart.. Chika started to avoid Tetsuki & isolated himself again. Even when Tetsuki tried to ask what happened or tried to help him, Chika would only say "Its got nothing to do with you, do dont butt in." Tetsuki blamed himself "If only I had been there the first time Chika had fought. Maybe we could've run. Maybe we could've feigned defeat. Anything so he didnt have to deal with their attention. Any maybe he would still be . . ." He missed his best friend & was worried what would happen to Chika if he keeps going on like this..

Tetsuki was told by the teacher that his mother had an accident & needs surgery. He's waiting anxious in the hospital, hoping for the best, trying to keep the worst case thoughts away . . thats when Chika comes running into the hospital he was worried!

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS SIMPLY PERFECTION, I CANT!!! ૮₍ ꒦꒳꒦ ₎ა❤

When Tetsukis dad said to Chika that he heard a lot about him from his wife & thanked him for supporting Tetsuki, he asked about his wounds & if they hurt. . thats when Tetsuki learns the reason, why chika kept his distance from him. He didnt want to involve him or put him in danger. "E-Everything's fine! I'm not hanging out with Tetsuki anymore, nobody's seen us together, nobody knows we're friends or anything. I would never drag him into my problems. Never."

Takaoka-papa is as wonderful as Takaoka-mama, jesus the Takaoka family is a bunch of lovely human beings, help me!!!

BONUS:

WHY ARE THEY SO DAMN WONDERFUL??/Tetsuki is so happy for chika *ugly sobbing deluxe*

I'm so glad that that he had Tetsuki right beside him, i dont wanna imagine what would have happened to Chika without his support & affection.

For me, they have one of the most wonderful & most strongest bond ever. I love their friendship so much, seriously i could probably write an essay about them & would never be able go stop. 🥺❤❤❤

Chika went through so much already, he fought his way through life, suffered, so NOW! Let him finally become happy!

Ufff, i didnt mean to make it THIS long.. but there's so much to say about this manga & the relationships chika made or the persons met.ヾ( இ⌓இ)ﾉﾞ

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

So far what has been the worst thing about being pregnant?

oh so much, so equally.

sciatica, making it so i physically cannot walk without excruciating pain, but only at night when i need to get out of bed to piss. (thankfully i am not a type who needs to piss all the time. yet.)

acid reflux, a constant cold burn in my throat unfazed by tums but is ignorable if im constantly drinking something. so my stomach is always full of liquid, which makes the acid worse, so i have to keep drinking so i dont feel it.

i am So Fucking Hungry. “have less food more often! smaller, more frequent meals!” they say. “because your stomach will get smaller as baby grows!” i dont fucking think so babe. yes i can handle it. yes i know baby is growing rapidly and needs the nutrients and thats why my stomach is constantly growling. baby wants the entire meal, and baby wants another in two hours. pay up or perish. (by perish i mean my stomach will growl so loud you go deaf)

speaking of deaf, the sinus pressure has closed up one of my ears. it’ll go away after birth but the other ear has pulsatile tinnitus that i need surgery for because the sinus pressure and increased blood supply pushed my eardrum back, and i need a replacement prosthetic of some bone in my ear that isnt doing its job.

speaking of sinuses, there’s so much fucking blood in my body that sinus pressure causes nosebleeds, a common pregnancy issue. however, because of allergies i already had prior, my sinuses keep all the blood clotting up inside my sinuses. and because of acid reflux, i’m constantly spitting, so it never has time to settle and properly bleed. instead i cough, snort, and spit up 5-8 BLOOD CLOTS. FROM MY SINUSES. per day. some darker and heavier, most smaller and less dense. i am constantly creating suction pressure in my throat to dislodge blood clots from my nasopharynx. i am always snorting.

my tits are disgusting. i have lymphedema in the breasts, rather uncommon, and it has been completely mimicing the symptoms of breast cancer without having any lumps or actual tumors to show for it. anywhere. they’re simply an angry warm red, feel like an orange peel, hard as dried playdough, and the consistency of a memory foam mattress.

“yr areolas will darken uwu!”

and thats just what i hate the MOST.

things that just annoy me include:

always feeling both exhausted and like i NEED to clean everything. everything. all the time. im noticing dirt and mess that i’ve never seen before in my life. im rewashing perfectly clean items because im not the one who washed them initially.

nesting feels itchy. im exhausted midway through organizing the entire bathroom but i Have To keep going. its compulsive. it feels like an actual rat in my brain trying to claw its way out. and i struggle so badly to ignore it because half the shit i want to do cant be done until mid april. and it’s been scratching at me since like january. it kind of hurts.

also i love kicks but the rolls and swishes feel fucking gross, it feels like there’s a goldfish in my stomach just flopping around nastily. it tickles in a gross way.

i have to sleep on a wedge pillow in addition to my C pillow. both help immensely, but im so blocked off from davyn and it makes me sad. i have to tear my little nest apart if i want to cuddle, and then i can’t for very long because he lays down flat, and the aggravates my acid really badly.

horribly vivid dreams. ive never felt more disturbed by my dreams than i have the past few weeks. it feels so real, nothing like a normal weird dream. the concepts are strange but the environment is so convincing. and it’s usually nightmares.

im really forgetful now and its kind of scary. like genuinely scary because it feels like im losing my mind and its bringing up a lot of... gaslighty trauma from when i was a teenager. sometimes my memory is as perfect as usual, sometimes i forget what just came out of my mouth two seconds ago. davyn is really patient when i get scared.

and i have it relatively easy.

i dont have gestational diabetes, which would necessitate an entirely new diet that i KNOW i wouldnt be able to sustain.

i don’t have blood clots, so i dont have to take those awful shots that bruise the injection site so terribly(i took them after my knee surgery, i switched to warfarin because i couldnt stand the shots anymore after only a week).

i dont have cervical insufficiency, which runs in my family and would necessitate a much higher level of care.

i dont have an Rh incompatibility with my baby, which would necessitate a higher level of care but also one of the most painful shots you can get in pregnancy. in the ass cheek.

i didnt have morning sickness AT ALL, just occasional nausea and not even consistently. some people puke multiple times a day and struggle eating anything. for the entire duration.

i don’t have tons of emotional outbursts, i had one breakdown about davyn eating my banana, one about davyn saying “the pillow is my girlfriend now” because i fixated on the word girlfriend, one because i left soda in the freezer and it exploded, and i cry easily over touching youtube videos a little more easily. thats it. 3 breakdowns and a tender heart. over the past 7 months.

i have it quite easy, and most of all im doing this on purpose.

i’ll say it again every time: reproductive choice is a hill i will happily die on. absolutely fucking nobody deserves any of this, least of all people who don’t know its coming and didnt want it anyway.

i wanted this, and im doing it eagerly. i just also hate it and it sucks and im glad it’ll be over soon and i can have my screamy poopy wrinkly baby on the outside where i can actually LOOK at them and HOLD them and know the tangible fruits of my labor. feels like im wading through a sewer to reach some unknown treasure that im praying will still be there when i get to the end.

make sure your birth control timer is set properly. wrap yr meat. stay aware. etc.