#and the thought of having to take the bus there for 40 min makes me wanna rip my hair out

[hwiyoungies]

was gonna go to the volleyball semi finals but if i have to move today i might die, and my brother just told me he was feeling the same so now i don't feel bad about not wanting to go LMFAO

[alexging]

dating sean diaz hcs pt 2

- before esteban fixed up a car for sean, u guys would always take the public bus around seattle

- his favorite dates r the ones where u guys go into random small stores and thrift shops

- both of u guys cackle REALLY LOUD at tacky shirts with stupid sayings and get looks from people 😭

- ur fav thing is to go “i found something ud like” and watch sean look up from the racks in excitement to see an overly patriotic shirt that says “don’t touch my truck”

- his face drops into a frown and he picks out something 10x uglier and say it looks like something ud wear

- sean secretly buys what u say is cute but u cant afford bc thrifting is so expensive for no reason these days

- “guess what i got” and he slithers it out of his bag with an evil smile 😭 suddenly him dissing u for an hour straight doesnt even matter anymore

- once esteban texts sean for dinner u guys hop on the bus back home. he never asks sean to come home for dinner alone though! common courtesy to invite the gf

- sharing wired earbuds on the bus ride home always. sean plays little love songs bc he only listens to music that he relates to in that specific moment 😭 corny but cute. he def has songs in his head that he thinks are ur guys’ songs and plays them every chance he gets

- when u first started eating with the diaz family it was so painfully awkward

- though he kind of likes it now, he did not want his girlfriend to get to know esteban or daniel too well LMAO he didnt want to be embarrassed by anything they possibly could say

- still, even when he tried so hard to avoid it, daniel and esteban still found their ways

- estebans the kind of dad to bring up embarrassing stories about sean when he was a kid bc he KNOWS how much his son would hate it

- “y’know (y/n), im surprised seanie boy over here even managed to get a girlfriend in the first place”

- “why is that, mr. diaz?”

- “i remember he thought girls couldn’t poop until he was in middle school! i had to break the news for him—he was in denial for weeks. his voice was shaking when i told him and everything!” u can see sean pause mid-chew in the corner of his eye 😭 “and please, call me esteban”

- you just awkwardly nodded and tried to not bust out laughing. sean notices and kicks u under the table which makes u ACTUALLY bust out laughing

- esteban and daniel knew from there u were one to be trusted

- “i bet (y/n) doesn’t poop” daniel randomly said when u left that night. seans immediately swiveled his head around 😭

- just like with lyla, daniel seemed to have a crush on u as well. the only difference is that sean tries to shut it down REALLY quick.

- “she shits all the time. sometimes i wipe her ass for her bc she shits so much”

- daniel’s “eww…” is like music to his ears

- u always playfully punch him when he does this in front of u and ask why he makes u look bad in front of him

- sean never admits its bc hes jealous of a little kid 😭 he just changes the subject and kisses u bc he thinks hes sneaky

- over the summer he randomly got a buzz and didnt say anything to anybody

- he just opened his front door standing there bald as if nothing happened and ur eyes wld just kind of widen

- u wld eventually tell him it looks good tho bc it DOES he pulls it off so well

- that summer u wld always randomly start feeling his head because the texture is so interesting

- it got to the point where hed just sit on the floor in front of wherever u were so ud get to feel his freshly mowed head

- he always ends up dozing off bc its so comforting and u wld feel his head pressed on ur inner leg.

- u also get the privilege of cutting/buzzing his hair 😋

- sean doesnt trust himself so u guys sit for 40 mins watching a brad mondo video before u start going ape on his hair

- he gets kind of nervous when u get close to his face and does that thing where u switch between a persons right eye and left eye while smiling awkwardly 😭

- surprisingly it turns out good!

- i feel like ud be super nit-picky on ur work, thinking its total ass. he wld just say its perfect over and over again

- he always stares at any reflective surface and smiles like a dork in front of it. even if u did do a shit job, he probably wouldnt notice or care all that much bc he loves blindly ❤️

im on winter break so i get to be cringe and free for endless hours thank u to like the 3 other people who also like sean diaz. u r all real ones

[nordic-language-love]

Dropping my goal to reach 50K by the end of Sunday.

I got called out to cover in Sendai yesterday, which was 1h30 on the train and then another 30 mins on a bus. Got to the bus station and the bus info on the classroom map was wrong 🙃 Thankfully Japanese people are very polite and all just pretended they couldn't see me having a meltdown in the middle of the bus station 😂 Eventually managed to find an information desk and then mispronounce the busstop so badly she thought I said something wildly different, but with some pointing and broken Japanglish we got there.

And then I had 4 classes to prepare, and they're not classes I normally teach. I should've had plenty of time to prepare them, but thanks to the wrong information I had regarding busses, I arrived 40 minutes later than planned. I didn't even have time to go to the supermarket for a little food. I checked the class reports and learned that 3/4 of the classes were "difficult". And my train back was at 22:12, getting me into Yamagata for 23:39.

So yeah, I had a pretty friggin' stressful day. Under normal circumstances, I would've abandoned any hope of writing. As it was, I was determined to at least write the 1667 words I need to get the "make par everyday" badge 😂 So I ended up writing on my phone on the train. Probably would've benefited more from sleeping/chilling out, but I want that badge haha.

But it does mean I need time to recover, and trying to push myself to write 8K over the course of today (when I'm working) and tomorrow (my one day off before a 6-day work week) seems like a recipe for burnout. I'm gonna take it easy and just aim for 1700 each day. If I end up writing more because I'm having fun then great, but it's not something I'm gonna push myself to do!

[steamishot]

healthier

the vacation for the vacations - staying at home. since september 2022, i’ve been saying we need to stay at home, but for the past 7 months or so, i believe we traveled at least once a month, each month. to recap:

sept 2022: philly (bus)

sept 2022: tentrr camping (train)

oct 2022: LA (flight)

nov 2022: montreal (flight)

nov 2022: LA (flight)

dec 2022: NOLA (flight)

jan 2023: snowboarding trip in NJ (car rental)

feb 2023: autocamp in catskills, NY (car rental)

feb 2023: SF (for me)/LA (flight)

march 2023: portugal (flight)

goddamn, after writing it out, we’ve been to LA 3x in the past half year, and we had 12+ flights in the last 7 months. this is part of our learning process. LA is fine because it’s going to see family and we’re not as in a rush to do anything in particular. but the flying does take a toll. my life had become a series of unpacking and packing for the next thing. since portugal, i think we got it out of our systems; the thought of getting on another flight disturbs me as of now lol. but, we still have some obligations like weddings & a family trip to attend in the coming months.

ideally, i’d want no more than to fly every other month. a roundtrip flight in a consecutive month is too exhausting. the next trip we have will be in cape cod, which is a 4 hour drive. the next flight probably won’t be until may when we have a family trip in TN. 

we’ve been making great strides in becoming healthier since matt’s ER visit and portugal. it is possible that a crash and burn was needed to secure change.

it’s officially one whole month that matt has gone without drinking coffee (outside of taking a couple sips from mine here and there). he really has stopped yawning and his anxiety has significantly lessened. he’s currently on night shifts, and for the last 6 days has gone to the gym to run and workout for ~40 mins after his 12 hour shift (got that natural energy). this has been the best night shifts in terms of his mood. he used to get irritable/sensitive but now has learned to manage his schedule better. he’s more carefree about going into work (leaving the house at 7pm now instead of 6:30pm), we got a small sleeping bag for him to use so he’s actually been taking short naps/lying down at work (instead of chugging coffee like he used to to get by). this is the happiest i’ve seen him since 2nd year of residency. 

i decided to start my days earlier. because my work doesn’t start until 11am, i developed a bad habit of sleeping in until like ~10am on most days. this week, i woke up when matt came home from work (7-8am). i would go run errands or make breakfast when he was at the gym. i found it to be really refreshing to be out at 8am with the other early birds and grocery shopping/being out in general is so much more pleasant when there aren’t huge crowds or lines. on his day shifts, i’m going to try and wake up at 6am too (LOL sounds crazy in concept but i’ll try). 

we used to order delivery a LOT. i think a big reason was because matt wanted to eat unhealthy/tasty food due to stress (and added stress from overconsuming caffeine). we’ve cut back and i’ve been cooking much more. i’m actually so excited. continuing to learn to make sustainable things (i.e. stuff that doesn’t take very long to prepare, and using ingredients that aren’t one and done). my new fav youtube cook is marion grasby. i also recently got a cast iron (as inspired by G) and it has been very fun to cook with. i’ve been making more vegetables in general (i didn’t like to eat greens growing up). 

it’s been one week since returning from portugal and i feel recovered finally. talk about needing a vacation from your vacation(s). i looked like crap in our photos (also my eyebrow pencil ran out on the first day of the trip). after reading my recap of the trip, it sounds insane - running on little sleep, not taking naps, and continuing to go - no wonder i got sick. with the trips and consistent going out, i’ve been neglecting work and my studies. always feeling like i’m playing catch up or doing a crash course to make up for stuff. i’ve been behind in my accounting degree and feel bad that i’m letting my program mentor down for my lack of efforts in the past half-year. 

the next two months, i want to be a lot more consistent with work, studies and working out. traveling disrupts all of these things for me - the traveling itself, and also the planning/preparation/rest/adjustments. traveling requires us to first be healthy and rested (which is why back to back traveling with limited time does not work well). 

[seoultoseoultravel]

Day 15, Busan 26th Sept

Seoul Station is a busy place and easy to get to. I had bought my ticket to Busan the other day so I just had to arrive for my train.

I was catching the KTX which is the fast train. Driving to Busan takes 6 hours. This train only takes 2 hours 40 mins.

It was very comfortable inside. No one checked my ticket so I don’t know if I was supposed to have clicked on before getting on the train.

Busan Station. Gray skies were happening the whole trip. From the station I had to catch either a 88 or 66 bus to the hotels. The buses here are as good as in Seoul and you can use the same T card.

As I walked into the hotel the y had quite high stoppers on the doorway which I didn’t notice and tripped over falling against the wall. My glasses came off and I dropped my phone. I thought I had broken both. A young couple were coming in behind me and helped. It is very dangerous. I had to sit down when I got to reception and they got me a drink of water. It shook me up a lot. No bones broken.

After settling into my hotel which is in a much busier part of town in regard to narrow streets and activities than my hotel in Seoul which was on one of the Main Street and more upmarket I decided to not sightsee but visit Jimin’s Father’s cafe. It was in a bus route from the hotel. No.138. These tall high rise were next to the bus top when I got to the cafe.

School was out for the day.

This was the cafe, Magnate.

Inside was very nice. It had an industrial look.

It has parking and on a bus route makes for a good location. I know that Jimin’s Father is there at times but not today.

This painting was displayed recently in an exhibition in the Lourve, Paris. The artist gifted the paintings and even came and hung them in the cafe himself.

This is another one

Some of Jimin’s hats are displayed.

Koreans are so petite but they do like their pastries which are found in all cafes. I enjoyed my sit down in the cafe. The place had a mixed lot. Locals probably because it’s a nice cafe and the people like me who come in and take photos.

These are the street around my hitel

Lots of food stands were people cook and serve themselves

This is a happening area. It was hard to know where to stay but this area seems central to all sides of Busan which is spread out because of the mountains and lack of flat land.

[katierosefun]

you know, april was an insane month for me, between my thesis and making my final senior plans (oh my god, the fact that i now only have maybe a few more weeks of being an undergrad is still so bonkers to me), but! here’s some things that i somehow watched/read/consumed over the past month!

also, a note: i actually rewatched a lot of things this month, but i didn’t include them on this list just because then this post would be outrageously long. here’s my film diary on letterboxd though, if you want to get a look at what i was actually watching. also how badly i was managing my time/how much i was stress-rewatching things in general, oops.

kdrama: 

my absolute boyfriend 

okay, so this drama was actually a bit of a surprise to me, mostly in that i did not expect to like this show at all, if only because the whole premise (young woman named da da (minah) is sent a robot boyfriend) isn’t exactly my style, but yeo jin goo plays the main love interest, so you know i have to watch it. and needless to say, i was pleasantly surprised? it’s definitely very silly, but sometimes you need a silly show! and what’s nice is that this show doesn’t take itself seriously either! it fully embraces how comedic the whole thing is, and while i think there’s still some stuff that could improve, i ultimately really enjoyed this show. the entire cast was lovely, and actually, outside of jin goo, i realized that i also wanted to see more of bang min ah’s dramas, just because i found her acting a lot stronger than i thought it would be? and also, i guess on another note, it was kinda cool to see what her life as a special effects makeup artist was. she seemed to really know what she was worth, which is always such an admirable trait in a rom-com like this one. 

the relationship between da da and yeong goo (the robot) was also so . . . admittedly, the beginning was a bit rough, but i think that like the way yeong goo grows on min ah and eventually becomes someone truly worth loving, their relationship also genuinely made me smile quite a lot. that said though, the last few episodes made me cry so much. like, so much. i was inconsolable. i didn’t expect to feel so many fuckign things over this show but i somehow did like what the fuck--

lost 

there are certain shows that i just think came for me at the right time, and lost is one of them. i actually started this show a while ago, but then i stopped because i was distracted by life things, but i got around to finishing this show, and it made me feel a lot of things. basically, this show is about a 40 year old woman named lee bu jeong (jeon do yeon) and a 27 year old man named lee kang jae (ryoo joon yeol). they’ve both suffered through lots of hardships in their lives, and somehow, they wind up connecting with each other. it’s genuinely very touching, and i suppose it says a lot that the literal translation of this show i think is called disqualified souls, which in itself is fitting: bu jeong is a woman who feels like she’s accomplished nothing in her life, and kang jae feels the same. 

as such, you can imagine that this show is pretty heavy--and it is. lots of trigger warnings for discussions of suicide especially, just because that’s a pretty big theme throughout the show. that said, i think this show really examined depression and suicide in a way that was honest. sad, but not necessarily for the sake of being truthful and also for the sake of demonstrating that you can eventually heal from the pains of your own life. 

circle 

so immediately after finishing my absolute boyfriend, i decided to watch this show. i started the first episode way back in september or so, but then i got distracted by other dramas, and then i wound up watching this whole thing in a few days. it’s relatively short, only 12 episodes, so it’s something you can easily watch over a week and a half, and it’s so concisely, smartly written that honestly, i kind of wish i spent longer to digest it all. 

but anyways: this is a sci-fi kdrama following a set of twins--kim woo jin (yeo jin goo) and kim beom gyun (ahn woo yeon), who thinks they encountered an alien ten years ago. the kdrama also follows the story of kim joon hyuk (kim kang woo), a detective 20 years in the future in a dystopian society. i won’t go much more into the plot because this is one of those shows that i think you really need to watch this show with little information going in. in any case, this show was so .  . . it was so good. lots of twists and turns, but not twisty and turny for the sake of being twisty and turny--like, there’s genuinely smart writing in this show, and it’s so concisely written and i think it really got at the core of the beauty of the sci-fi genre. 10/10 recommend, esp if you feel like you haven’t seen anything good in the sci-fi genre lately. 

romance is a bonus book 

sigh. i really, really, really wanted to like this kdrama, but tbh, it was such a struggle for me. i’m not willing to say that it’s because this kdrama is bad--i think it’s more like i couldn’t really connect with all the themes in this show, and the characters just felt very far away from me. (like, there wasn’t anyone i could relate to at all. i think this was one of the first kdramas where i was very conscious that this was, in fact, a kdrama in their own bubble of a world. and i say this as someone who watched a sci-fi kdrama this month. the sci-fi kdrama made me feel more grounded in the characters than this one.) 

but who knows! maybe one of you guys will like it. basically, it’s about this recently divorced woman named kang dan i (lee na young), who’s trying to get back into the workforce after being a housewife/mom for so long. she manages to secure a job at her friend cha eun ho (lee jong suk)’s publishing house, and the show kinda mostly revolves around the goings-on of this publishing house, as well as their growing relationship. 

i mean . . . i dunno. i think i really appreciated each of the leads for who they were, but i couldn’t really get myself invested in the relationship, and i really wanted to! maybe it’s just a me problem, but i couldn’t really feel anything between the two of them outside maybe a solid friendship. that said though, their characters--as well as the side characters!--were all cute and very funny, so i suppose that’s a plus. if anything, i think this show would have worked better as a genuine slice-of-life instead of anything else (kind of like hello, my twenties! or be melodramatic, which i haven’t actually watched, but that’s the only other show i know that’s kind of about struggling with the obstacles that come with being a certain age). kind of a shame that this show was as a disappointment as it was for me--maybe i’ll appreciate this show better when i’m older, but for now, it was kinda . . . eh. 

law school 

so, i started this school back in like . . . september or october, but as i was applying to law schools at the time, i couldn’t bring myself to watch this show because i just felt all-around wistful and pretty crappy about myself. thankfully, now that i’m officially going to law school, i decided my heart was okay enough to resume this show! and i’m glad i did! 

basically, this show is about a group of law school students trying to put together the pieces of the death of a professor. if you’re at all familiar with the show how to get away with murder, there are somewhat similar vibes, but i think law school kinda becomes pretty different outside of the similarity with the “murdered professor” vibe. the characters are very much root-worthy, particularly kang sol a (ryoo hye young) and the quiet han joon hwi (kim beom). i also really enjoyed the aspect about what it means to practice and respect the law, and it def. tickled my brain in a very satisfactory way. however, i will say that the plot can get just a little bit convoluted sometimes, and there were a few parts where things just seemed to get so tangled in each other that i wasn’t sure what was actually going on (so many plots, so many things happening), but ultimately, i enjoyed it!

movies:

shoot me in the heart 

so i started this movie back in december, but i didn’t get around to really watching much more until this month, and i’m glad that i did. this movie is based off the korean novel of the same name, following the story of two young men stuck in a mental institution: soo myung (yeo jin goo) and seung min (lee min ki). the mental institution is absolutely brutal, and that’s my warning for the film--it really shows how terribly screwed up mental institutions are, and i am very much so hoping that hopefully, korean mental institutions--and mental institutions around the world in general--are much better now (although i’m still unsure of that). 

basically, over the course of this movie, soo myung and seung min grow closer. seung min tries time and time again to break out of the mental institution, and soo myung, who is very much so a model patient, gets caught in his gravity. i won’t spoil the rest of the movie, but it left my heart aching--but i think more in a good way than in a bad way. it made me think a lot about what it means to live, and what it means to live the life that you want instead of living for others, and it was just a lot to process, but in a good way. that said though, if you’re mentally in a vulnerable place right now, i would hold off on watching this movie, just because the first hour or so is pretty brutal, even if there’s happier moments spread out in between. 

the long way home 

so, i’m not the biggest fan of war movies, in part because of the violence and in part because sometimes they just seem to drag on for a while. but i wanted to watch most of yeo jin goo’s filmography this month, and so i wound up watching the long way home on the same day i finished shoot me in the heart, and boy oh boy oh boy--

basically, the long way home is a part comedy, part typical action/drama war film about the korean war. nam bok (sol kyung gu) is a solider on the south korean side, who needs to deliver this top secret document. one thing leads to another, and he runs into young gwang (yeo jin goo), a student-turned-soldier who winds up getting ahold of this document. now, they’re stuck together in a tank and the movie kind of takes off from there. 

oh man. i wasn’t sure how i was going to feel about this movie, just because i personally can’t get into comedies about wartime, but this movie somehow really delivered? and i think particularly the last act of the movie (last 30 minutes) really dug into the whole thesis of the film, which is basically that war is unpleasant for everyone, and specifically in the case of the korean war, when families and loved ones were all split because of this tragedy, it’s . . . a lot. and so i liked this film a lot more than i thought i would. 

room no. 7 

after watching this movie, i joked that there should be a category of movies called “it’s not very good, but shin ha kyun really acted with his whole heart as always, and therefore it deserves one more star than it’s actually worth”, and that’s kinda how i felt with room no. 7. it’s a dark comedy about doo sik (shin ha kyun), the owner of a dvd room (ie. couples come in, choose a dvd to select, and then go to one of the back rooms to netflix and chill). he’s desperate to sell this place, and his part timer tae jung (doh kyung soo, yes, that doh kyung soo of exo) is desperate to pay off his debt. basically, just two guys who very much so need money. and then things get complicated when uh . . . well, now there’s a dead body. 

like, to be honest, i actually really liked the first and middle portions of this movie--but the ending kinda ? ? ? idk, i feel like it could have gone a lot better by the ending. it’s relatively lighthearted, and the humor’s a bit crass, but y’know, i did enjoy it for shin ha kyun. 

on your wedding day 

i actually started this movie back in january i think, but i got around to finishing it this month, and i’m glad i did. basically, it’s about hwang woo yeon (kim young kwang), who falls in love with seung hee (park bo young) in high school. they wind up getting closer before seung hee moves away--and then, because he misses her so much, woo yeon winds up studying hard enough to go to the same college as her. and basically, this movie sort of follows their relationship and all the highs and lows that comes with first love. 

let me just say that i used to be really, really cynical of the whole concept of someone getting so much energy because of a first love--until i myself was in a similar position. watching this movie was a bit bittersweet for me in that way, in seeing woo yeon go through his life with very little focuses outside of seung hee--but this isn’t to say that seung hee is, like, an object in the way that a lot of movies have objects/manic pixie dream girls. seung hee is very much so real, someone who has a lot of struggles and burdens and is very down-to-earth, and the way she responds to woo yeon’s feelings is incredibly realistic, i think, in that woo yeon is seung hee’s first love as well. 

but you know, some people are lucky enough for their first love to be their only love. 

hot young bloods

okay, so . . . this movie was fun. like, middling sort of fun. lots of people being beat up (good grief so many people getting beat up). basically, this movie is about a bunch of high schoolers during the 80s, lots of gang activity, etc. things get kind of awry when this new girl from seoul so hee (lee se young) moves to the little town. local flirt joong gil (lee jong suk) makes it his mission to charm so hee, while the local bad girl-slash-ex-childhood-bestie young sook (park bo young) tries to prevent this from happening. that’s a pretty simple summary of the movie--when in reality, this movie was an oddly compelling look at messy relationships in high school, backstabbing, betrayal, friendships, etc.

okay so ngl, it was kinda a forgettable movie for me. interesting because i don’t think i’ve seen lee jong suk play more comedic rules in a hot second, and i was actually impressed how he could pull slightly more comedic faces . . . and park bo young, of course, was impressive as always. it always surprises me how she can play someone equal parts badass and soft, depending on the character she’s acting. 

anyways, did i think it was fun? yeah. maybe not my fave, but it was nice, and i did like the ending, so!

sympathy for lady vengeance 

this movie has been on my to watch list forever, ever since i watched sympathy for mr. vengeance back a few months ago. directed by the famous park chan wook, this film is about a woman named lee geum ja (lee young ae), who, 13 years ago, was accused of kidnapping and murdering a little boy. now out of prison, she’s out to get revenge for the real person who committed this crime. 

i won’t let myself summarize this movie any more than that--i think this is one of those movies that you kind of have to watch without knowing much more than this is a film about revenge, and it’s so . . . good. like, everything, from the writing to the acting (lee young ae, iconic queen as always, it’s no surprise this is one of her biggest roles ever) to the camerawork (god . . . not to sound pretentious, but i think this might be one of my favorite films solely for the coloring and god god god you have to watch it to understand what’s going on it’s so good) 

i think what i adored most about this movie though was that besides the fantastic acting and writing, i was also really surprised by how the violence wasn’t . . . quite as explicit and in your face as it was in sympathy for mr. vengeance (which is a fantastic film as well, and there were actually a few callbacks to that movie here). there’s def. still some blood, but it’s def. a different vibe, and tbh, it’s just  .. . . so good. i can fully say that this is now one of my favorite films, and that’s saying quite a lot. 

dunkirk

i’m really not the biggest fan of war movies, but while i was at home for break, my brother wanted to watch this, so i did. . . and i was pleasantly surprised? dunkirk is about the evacuation of the allied forces on the beach of dunkirk in france. unlike a lot of world war ii movies i’ve seen, dunkirk is very . . . quiet. and tense. so tense. i was so stressed every single second of the film, which i think was the greatest strength here. i mean, i might even rewatch this movie on my own, if only because i really want to digest exactly how . . . nervewracking every single scene is. 

stoker

dude this movie is so good. so good. and so creepy. and so good. brilliant. 

i’ve been making a point to watch all of park chan wook’s films, and so i decided to give stoker a go. and god, i loved it. i don’t want to spoil it because i basically knew nothing of the film when i was going in, but i’m familiar with park chan wook’s other films, so i knew it was going to be fucked up. but in an excellent way. 

stoker is basically about a young girl named india (mia wasikowska), whose father tragically died in a car accident. following the wake of her father’s death, her uncle charlie (matthew goode) comes to stay with india and her mother (nicole kidman). india’s totally caught off-guard . . . because she never even knew she had an uncle. 

this film is just . . . it’s insane. it’s good. it’s insane. it’s so good. so good. i can’t talk much more about this film because i really don’t want to spoil it--but oh god, it was excellent. 1000/10. 

books:

yolk by mary hk choi

i bought this book on an absolute whim, mostly because the cover was so pretty and also because i apparently follow mary hk choi on instagram (although i don’t remember when). but in any case, a book about korean-american sisters and their on- and off-relationship? the protagonist being kind of a disaster? (because yes. please do give me more korean-american characters who didn’t go to ivy league schools to become doctors or lawyers or business people, but instead wound up being art students who live in a ratty apartment and have poor taste in men and also have a slew of issues but just don’t know how to deal with them because see: grew up in a korean-american family.)

bro. i cried so much. i cried so much reading this book in ways that i didn’t think were possible. i still don’t really know how to put my feelings into words, but this book is about jayne baek, whose world becomes much more complicated when her estranged older sister june confesses she’s been diagnosed with cancer. over the course of roughly 400 pages, you get so much about their relationship, that bizarre “i love you, i hate you” kind of relationship that comes with siblings, as well as just how messy both of them are . . . but specifically jayne. god, it’s been a while since i’ve met a character who’s so insanely messy but still understandable, and that’s jayne. do be wary because there’s a lot of references to jayne’s battle with bulimia (that’s just one of her many issues). 

god. i dunno. this book was weirdly personal to me in so many ways (the korean-american experience, but also the specific kind of korean-american experience jayne goes through . . . with all the mental illness and the ups and downs of her relationship with her sister . . .) god. it’s just all lovely. i cried. i think this might be the first book i’ve ever read that genuinely made me cry as much as i did. highly recommend, 100/10.

rewatched: 

hwayi

no mercy for the rude

barbie in the nutcracker

the haunting of bly manor

little forest 

the handmaiden

coraline

doctor sleep

anastasia

matilda

paperman

sympathy for mr. vengeance

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #8 !! 🥞💫🧸

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ june 14th 2022 🎻🍞🐻 ⊹ɞ

hewwo diary :3 today im din hav too ba day, or may bee im jus block out da bad parts >_< im slight vent buuuuut also a feel teensy 🤏 bit bwetter. <3

tw vent // vent regression

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

so where do im start diary? 😮😮 oh ya ! :3 2day im woke up likeee 10 mins before my bus came so im din hav much time 2 get ready BUT BUT BUT ,,, im did wear deordoorrant which is gud ! cos usually when i wakes up lil lwates dese days , im forget deodorant n it make me very embarrassed bcos im stress sweat easily … n dont wanna bother peoples w bad smellys ))): so am proud dat im din forget this time!!! ^ω^ am wore a maroon varsity jacket dat matches my school colours <3 denim jean shorts n a white tubbie top along w my signature pearl necklace :33 im was feeling very pretty today 🙈😊

sooo todays im got on bus in time 🚌 ^o^ im din get time eat breakfast doe so im was hungry ))))): gurgurugyrle. maths class was really borinf n i din really understand it >_< n den art class was vry rypical but im had funny moment where im went to refill the paper towel n just as i refill it there dis guy who looked down at the papertowel like :0 then at me like :0 and we had a good laugh <3 (:

im kinda sad doe because recently my friend has been acting weird :I she wa skinda passive aggressive to me when i explained to her tht i was hanging out w my close friend for stranger tings s4 n was like “i understand u wanted to hangout w him but likeee im here you know” which mad eme feel kinda sad and obliged when i dont owe her any of my time as a friend . bcos if we were gonna aply this logic to her than id passively aggressive remark her everytime she hang out w her friends. and she has lots. but i dont. im dont even b mad or express it. ya it kinda lonely and a lil sad bc i wish i had lot friend like her doe honestly she just kinda poopy friend rn ): n even when she hangout w other friend i understand cos everyone have ofher fg and she do too and she not obliged to hangout w me but when she do its like im not even dere. u inv me and rhen trweat me badly. is meanie. and den after that day i tried hanging out w her or a few day later n then she really left me out n i just walk behind everyone and felt so alone and she din even say goodbye to me when i walked into my class so i felt so alone and left out and unwanted ): i wanted 2 cry ))): after dat day things habent felt the same and seein what she posts on her story makes me feel like it a slap in the face becos she always talking abt how she so stressed abt schoolwork but i see her hanging out w her friends every single day and den she complains abt it, n then complains abt people msging her n doesnt reply and it makes her sound rlly ungrateful ): ik she jusy very stressed bur if she is then she should let people know to take it easy on her but she dont n it really… urhhggg it make me ): angy. sad. bothered. annoyed. and its ok to feel day way cos its emorions and i am allowed to. *sigh* im jusy wish dings were diff cos i thought she were my rock doe for now i just distance :I

im gor driveb work n it was :IIIII,,, OH OMGGGG im went into winners and i found dese rlly cute stuffies n a playmat!! a lady looked ar me weird but im kiddo so is ok if i look at toys n placemats ):< even if i not kiddomo it still ok hmph )):<< but YA they were so cute uhggg im wants buy them so bad it was $40 OG but was going for $30 so only 10% off T^T hmph. dey were feel like pillows doe when i touch the playmat so now i reallllyyy want a playmat or a pink rug :0 for my room !!!!

so den i ate lunch n it was yummy 😋:3 but when i try deunk me water it had soap in it becaos im not priplery clean waterborfl yesterday!!!!! ): but fortunatel y im make myself custom order at starbuck n manage to get a deal ! im wanted fhe deagonfruit lemonade refresher but for a grande 470 ml it was 5.85, so im did custom lemonade w 2 pump raspberry, scoop of strawberry, dragonfruit infusiob and light ice in a venti 780 ml and got that for 5.35 so i got a deal for the same taste :DD 😋😁 i happy it mobile ordee roo soo im not have to spend time trying to tell ordwer cos im get anxious sometime ))): esp w starbuck. i am ok w ordering boba sometime bcos im know what i want but starbuck mot so mych ))):

work kinda made me sad ): im was on stock and the only ding i get as a gift for working at it for 4 ish month is a 75$ gift card dat would b like… abt 1-2 paycheck (basically one biweekly for a month) but i did internship for free for 4 month. ): i just wish i learnee more or had a more enjoyable experience because honestly my boss is very toxic and she completely didnt even inv me to the employee photo for an outfit op which make me feel excluded and alone, hearing them all pose and laugh outside on the sales floor while i worked on stock alone in the back ):

my rl mom told me that alone i stand out feom the crowd as a star and dont need people like them who seek external validation which sort of made me feel better but i just wish id feel not so alone even when in crowds ): im always feel like an alien or an outsider )):

im got home, pet my furbaby, n then fell asleepy when im not supposed to ): so i feel bad abt taking nap. im sleep for 3 hr wake up n is 8:30 . im did homework which was personal finance n was kinda hard so i couldnt get alot done :I my rl mom gav me food doe before bed n brought it up which was nice bc i was only thinkin of homeworks n not of dindin. so im ate bacon egg and some 🍜 😊😋 yum yum.

am was hesitant but im called my clwose friend cos recently him n i gots in situation dat really made me sad ): we had a heart-to-heart conversation dwoe and now have a better understanding and i am so relieved dat i checked on him bc i miss his voice n his lil laughs n stutters ))’: and he missed me too which made my heart warm ( ^ω^ ) am glad that im din cry too cos if i did then itd b difficults to speak but im was super super strong today !!! im still strong when im cry but today???? nah im was strong strong ! hehe

so ya im talk w him for like hour n den now i in bed. im gon fill out habit tracker, manifestation n shut my eye, dat p much da update diary. i am very very sad indivudal and im trying to get theough it befor i relapse relapse n dings go sour. i am jusr hoping that my stress will b taken away soon and dat i can finally have my wants and needs come to fruition. i love u diary. muwah muwah.

and im also want dino hoodie but cant find any one i likes :S hmmmph ):< but am will find one one day ! <3

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

[lewis-faith]

Day 6, well yesterday was a less eventful day but by no means ordinary. I walked 40 mins into the centre of Przemysl to pick up my van. The vodka from the night before needed walking off.

As nice as it was to have a night out it doesn't help your mental state the day after. Just being tired allows the fears to creep in and lack of proper sleep also adds to that problem.

I started to wonder if Russia would be as bold to "accidentally" send a missile over the border in retaliation for the Ukrainian strike on their territory that day. As much as I believed they wouldn't the thought wouldn't leave me. Being so close to a humanitarian centre and knowing Russia's capability of attacking such places kicked in flight or fight panic momentarily. When you are tired you feel less inclined to fight, the sense of flight was very real at almost overwhelming. As compelling as it was to just up and leave I carried on making lunch.

I've noticed when eating you take stock of your environment and make assessments about your safety. An instinctive subconscious thing that usually wouldn't be noticed. Here though you can't be completely ignorant of the situation, so actually processing that information needs to be done with energy and optimism. I imagine the refugees are still mostly in shock, the body's way of creating emotional protection. But it doesn't take all that much to unsettle someone with trauma. I suppose this is the invisible battle, how do we help so many scared people? I don't think I would cope being in a place under bombardment.

As the shops close on a Sunday I had to resupply in the afternoon, then I got on with some admin work. Writing this blog, setting up a fundraiser page, catching up with email and Facebook messages etc. Next thing I know it is 10pm and I realise I forgot bread and water for tomorrow, another quick trip to the supermarket. To my mild amusement I noticed that Jeremy Ckarkson is famous enough in Poland to have his book at the checkout. A reassuring token of life at home, and also a reminder of how life can be fun and not so serious. A waste of a tree I'm sure but on this occasion I was glad to see yet another celebrity tie in, is this stuff called pulp-fact?

I did a bit more networking before going to bed and helped a host from the UK who posted on Facebook about their lack of knowledge of things on the ground around Przemysl. They are helping two families who should make the crossing tomorrow. Letting them know the train and bus situation and giving them our contact details has helped demystify and distress things for the host.

These small deeds can be incredibly useful and save hours for people who can easily get lost or confused. It's easy to forget as a well travelled Brit that a lot of refugees never leave Ukraine usually and some aren't even familiar with using trains. What a burden to put on people.

I got a good 4-5 hours sleep, I must endeavour for an early night tonight.

[whats-wild-to-you]

ALL IN (Jay Park fiction)

[Chapter 19]

Winter Of '02

Min Ah

Being 14 isn't easy. I wish someone would've told me that. Not only do I have to deal with my body changing, I also have to deal with hormones. Those sneaky little bastards!

Like every morning since I started high school, I wake up an hour earlier than I need to. I get to school early, sit at my desk, take out my books and wait for the class to assemble. My desk is strategically placed by the window, overlooking the entrance. So I sit there, eyes glued on the entrance, waiting for Park Jaebeom to show up. He's notoriously late, walking casually with his friends, chatting and laughing. I'm fascinated by his carefree demeanor. We don't have many classes together, and to be honest, I prefer it that way. I would find it hard to concentrate if I knew he was in the same room as me.

I know he spends his free time in between classes at the cafeteria or the basketball court. Places I don't usually frequent. People will notice if I suddenly show up there, so I'm avoiding those places at all costs.

Whenever we do have classes together though, I try to appear cool. All the other girls gather around him as soon as he enters the classroom, I just bury my face in books.

He's not a jock, or some gang member - as far as I know - but still very popular with the girls. I constantly hear girls in my class gossiping about how he has a secret girlfriend, wondering if it's someone from our class.

Looking around, I highly doubt it. These girls aren't pretty enough for Park Jaebeom.

Yoonah, my best friend since elementary school, the only other Asian girl in our class and a big nerd herself usually arrives right before class starts. We sit together, study together, eat together. Sometimes I want to ask her about boys, knowing very well she has no knowledge in that field.

The only other person I can ask is my older sister, Ji Hyun. She's 17 and already had a boyfriend. I'm too ashamed to ask her though.

And so the day ends, I pack my books and walk to the bus stop. It's a 40 minute ride, and then a 10 minute walk until I get home.

Every time I get on the bus I look around, trying to see if Park Jaebeom is on it. Usually he's not. Him and his friends always leave school earlier, so until now I haven't found out where he lives.

The bus stops and I get off, walking down the street, while holding on to my heavy backpack. Turning a corner I walk towards my favorite neighbor. Mrs Park is always standing by the open window, greeting me as I walk by. I always stop for a brief chat with her.

"Hello Min Ah!" She says, waving at me. She looks about my mom's age, with raven black hair and kind eyes.

"Hello Mrs. Park, how are you today?"

"I'm good, my child and you?"

I nod.

"Did you have fun in school today? Did you learn valuable things?"

"Yes!" I answer full of excitement.

"Good! Now go home before it gets dark."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, Mrs. Park."

We wave at each other and I'm off.

I never ask her, but I'm pretty sure she has no children.

The dreaded winter ball is coming up and mom is already waiting for me by the door when I get home. "Don't take off your coat, we're going dress shopping!"

"Mom! I don't need a dress!"

"You're not missing the winter ball, I won't allow it."

I thought coming home with good grades would make my mom happy. Instead she's nagging about how I never have a sleepover, how I never go to the mall, how my only friend is a nerd, just like me.

"You have to do fun things, now that you're young!"

"The winter ball is not fun! It's torture."

"C'mon Min-Min, isn't there any guy in your class you like?" She says, while we drive to the mall.

Shocked, I turn to look at her. "Would you rather I behaved like Ji Hyun when she was my age? Is that what you're telling me?"

"I want you to sometimes think about things other than grades, classes and assignments."

"Boys are a distraction!"

Mom laughs out loud, her laughter so contagious, I join in.

Back at home, mom asks Ji Hyun, thinking that I confided in her.

"What's his name?"

"I'm single."

"Thanks for the update. I'm talking about the guy Min Ah has a crush on!"

Ji Hyun runs up the stairs, barging into my room. "You like someone? From school?"

"Not now, I have homework to do!"

"Nice try, tomorrow's Saturday!"

"Tomorrow's Friday, Ji Hyun, now leave me alone."

"Oh. Whatever. Tell me his name!"

"There isn't anyone!"

"Liar!"

Both, Ji Hyun and I inherited our mother's good looks. But only Ji Hyun knows how to capitalize on that. I on the other hand wear glasses because I don't like contacts, and braid my hair because I don't like flyaways.

"Min-Min, you're at an age where y-"

"OMG! Please stop! I got that talk already. Plus, we have sex ed with Mrs. Booker.

"Please, tell me!"

"Why? So you can go tell mom?"

"I promise I won't say a word!"

I hate that I always give in to Ji Hyun. The truth is though I want to tell somebody, even if it is purely to get it off my chest.

"His name is Park Jaebeom, and before you say anything, I DO NOT have a crush on him! It's just that he's not a nerd like the other boys in my class, he's different, that's all!"

"Okay, so you just think he's interesting because he's different?"

"I guess, I don't know."

"Okay. That's all I wanted to know."

[dianapana]

SasuHina Month 2020- Day 1.1

Hello everyone, as usually i come out of my cave once a year and start posting original stuff of the Sh month :) i’m very excited this year once more. Kisses and love ~ Dia

prompt: – Cafuné: Running Your Fingers through the Hair of Someone You Love

Long Distance – Part 1

Hinata POV

The noise in the stadium is deafening, the adrenaline levels are very high and I too am jumping from one foot to the other screaming as loud as I can. I always go and watch every home game but tonight I made the 4-hour ride to Suna for an away game, this is the decisive game; if Sasuke’s team wins, they enter the Final Four; Gosh I hope that’s the case. The first 2 periods are over and the score is still 0-0. Naruto is in the penalty box and Kiba left the ice at the end of the second period to get stitches. The game is more violent than any other I’ve seen in the few months since I started dating Sasuke when my interest in hokey started. The refs aren’t calling as many hits as they should because of the intensity of the match. Sasuke took a few hits that made me shiver and gasp in pain.

Naruto finally returns and about 5 minutes later so does Kiba; it isn’t until the last minute of the third period that Naruto scores one point with Sasuke’s assist. I jump and scream so loud one would think they’ve won. But there’s another period to be played; I hope they can keep their advantage and don’t have to go in overtime. The last period starts and it’s even more intense. Naruto takes a very hard hit, it takes him a moment to regroup and I’m worried he hit his head badly…almost the next moment Sasuke pushes the same player that hit Naruto into the plexi wall so hard that it makes me look away. One of Suna’s players gets a breakaway but thankfully doesn’t score. The match goes on for a bit longer and nobody scores.

There are 3 more minutes and the score is still 1-0 for Sasuke’s and I’m praying to God to let this match end like this. Kiba took another hit and one of his stitches broke and the bleeding started again over his eye so he was pulled from the game again. The good thing is that Suna’s main scorer is in the penalty box.

The clock ticks and tick and those 3 minutes feel like an eternity; they all skate so fast it’s hard to keep up with who is where and where the puck is. I can’t even imagine being down there. I hold my breath as we near the end of the game and I only exhale when the game ends. They’ve won. Thank God.

The majority of the crowd is Suna supporters since for them it’s a home game. They all look really pissy and I know how much it sucks to lose a home game. Konoha lost unexpectedly to Kiri a few weeks back and it was such a downer. That loss is also the reason why they needed this win in order to make it to the final four.

I make my way to the corridor to wait for Sasuke. It’s just me and a few other girls waiting. Usually when it’s a home game for Konoha the corridor is packed with groupies, friends, fans, family and significant others. After about 15 minutes the door opens and the players start walking out, they’re all smiling and making jokes but I can see how tired they are. Naruto and Sasuke come next and I can’t help but run to them. I don’t throw myself at Sasuke even if I want to. He took some really hard hits and I don’t want to hurt him further. Kiba comes out too and he is holding an icepack over his left eye where the stitches were.

“Congrats on winning. The game was merciless” Sasuke kisses me on my check and we start making our way to the outside. Under normal circumstances they would all need to take the bus and drive back to campus, but it’s was a Friday game so those that wish to return to the campus go on the bus and those that want to stay for the night in Suna do that.

Most players choose to go home; me and Sasuke walk to where I parked my car. Since I made the drive here, we decided beforehand to stay the night in Suna and I’ll drive up to my home Saturday in the morning and Sasuke can catch a bus to go back to Konoha Uni. I climb in the driver’s seat as Sasuke slides in his seat and throws in the back seat his bag.

I notice him wincing when he moves certain ways. He’s also really quiet which means the adrenaline rush ended and he’s tired and in pain. He leans his head against the seat and closes his eyes. His hand resting on my tight.

Before I started dating Sasuke I didn’t expect him to be this touchy and affectionate; whenever we’re in close proximity he likes to touch, whether it’s a hand on my leg, an arm around my shoulder or just his shoe touching mine under the table when we’re sitting face to face. I suspect it’s also because we don’t get to spend as much time together as we would like. KU is 2 hours away from my Uni and we both have pretty busy schedules.

“The game was brutal. You should take an ice bath when we get to our room” I tell him and he only mhmms. So, I decide not to talk on the drive anymore. I park the car in front of the hotel that we’re staying at. Sasuke takes his gear from the backseat while I take the bag, I packed with clothes for both of us to sleep in and change tomorrow and other such things. We walk hand in hand to the elevator and to our room. I got to Suna a bit earlier since I had almost a 2 hours advantage and checked us in before the game.

The first thing Sasuke does is flops on his back on the bed and even that makes him wince. I want to go to the bathroom to start filling the tub with cold water but he stops me.

“Come here baby” his voice is low and smooth and despite being tired and in pain he smirks at me and it makes my knees go weak.

“No love, you need to go to take a cold bath. You’ll regret it in the morning if you don’t” He’s sitting on the bed now and pulls me between his legs. I’ll keep protesting but I know I’ve lost.

“I will a bit later. It’s still early; it’s only about 10:30pm” his hands slide up and down my back and his stare is smoldering. I sigh and raise my hands to his face; I’m scared to touch anywhere else. I touch his cheek with one hand and I run my fingers thought his hair with the other.

“Fuck babe that feels great”

I smile at him and place a few soft kisses on his cheeks and jaw. “How about we go to the bathroom; you soak in ice water and I’ll run my hands thought your hair?” I whisper against his lips “Does that sound good?”

As I’ve said before, Sasuke is very affectionate. He loves when I play with his hair. At time when he stays over at my house during the weekend, he puts his head in my lap as I study and I run my hands thought his hair for hours. Whenever I stop even for a moment, he makes this adorable dissatisfied noise in the back of his throat and rubs his head in my lap looking for my hand, almost like a cat.

“Mhmm…yea that sounds good” As soon as he agrees I step away from him and start the tub. He’s still on the bed where I left him; the tub will take a few minutes to fill so I go back between his legs. He wraps his hands around my waist and pulls me to him and rests his head against my belly.

“You played really well today. All of you were on fire” I resume playing with his hair “You’re in the final four now” He doesn’t say anything and I’m scared he’ll fall asleep so I take a step back and look at his face; his eyes are closed so I wasn’t wrong.

“Come on Sasuke, time to go to the bath. Clothes off” That makes him laugh a little.

“Babe if you want to see me naked all you have to do is ask” But he does get up and starts undressing. He tries to do it fast and smooth but I can see that it hurts him to do even that so I go help him specially to take off his shirt. I look at his torso and I gasp, there are blue and purple bruises on his ribs already forming; his left shoulder is also a bit swollen and red.

“Awe baby” I step closer to him and kiss him over his heart. I don’t want to kiss the bruises afraid that even that small contact will hurt. “Come on the bath awaits”

In the bathroom he takes off his boxers as well and gets into the tub. That wakes him up. “Shit Hina this is so fucking cold”

“I know love, but you’ll feel better tomorrow and you know it” I go back into the room and take one of the small chairs that are used as nightstands and put it next to the tub where Sasuke’s head is. He titles it back and I start running my hands thought it. He took a shower after the game so his hair is still a bit damp from that but it’s smooth and silky too.

“I’m really hungry; we should order something to eat” He says. I can tell the ice bath was a good idea. He’s not as sleepy anymore. I take my phone from my pocket and open the delivery app I have. With one hand I scroll thought it and with the other I still play with his hair.

“What do you want to eat? Hamburgers?” That’s his go to meal after a game.

“Yep”

“Ok I’ll order 2 burgers, fries, sodas and do you want onion rings too?”

“Hmmm, sure why not. Order some extra sauces too”

“Oki doki. Do you want a cheeseburger? I’ll get myself a veggie burger”

“Yea a cheeseburger is good. And I want Pepsi. Can you order some dessert too?”

I look at the sweets option and choose an apple pie since it isn’t extremely sweet and Sasuke isn’t a huge sweets fan. I place the order and resume running my fingers thought his hair softly; from now and gain I scratch his scalp just the tiniest bit because I know he enjoys that too.

After about 20 minutes or so Sasuke decides that’s enough for his icebath. “How long till the food is here?”

“It’s been 20 minutes and it said it should be about an hour, so maybe 40 mins?”

“Mhmm ok.” He gets out of the tub and dries himself with a towel. I follow him back into the room and give him a new pair of boxers and an older t-shirt.

“I’m going to take a quick shower before the food gets here” I say as I look for my body wash and face cream. Sasuke comes behind me and lightly smacks my butt.

“So, we’re taking a shower. Good thing I didn’t put my clothes on yet” He says and pulls me into the bathroom as I laugh. He sits on the chair I sat before and smirks at me. “Strip”

I can’t help rolling my eyes at him. He’s such a goof right now. But I do as he says and take off all my clothes and put my hair in a bun so I don’t get it wet. I go to start the shower water and Sasuke follows me. He starts kissing down my neck but stops soon and just holds me close and breaths me in.

“I love you so much” he says, his words are a bit muffled by my skin but I heard them loud and clear.

“I love you too” I say as I run my hands thought his hair. We proceed to take a shower and then get dressed in out pjs. Sasuke just sat himself down on the bed when my phone rings letting my know that our food will be here in less than 2 minutes. We eat everything and climb in bed. Under normal circumstances I’d sleep pretty much on top of Sasuke but I can’t do that due to his aching body so I sit a bit higher than him, curl into myself and pull his head to my chest. His right side isn’t that badly hurt so he sneaks his arm under my legs and curls it around my butt. I start running my hands thought his hair again, as much as he loves me doing this, I think I like it more. I place a kiss on the crown of his head and we stay like that until we fall asleep.

[jeonchan26]

Used To Be (Part 8)

Warnings; Angst, A Little Bit Of Fluff(Maybe) Self-Esteem & swearing. Mental Abuse, Toxic Relationship, Don’t Read If It Might Trigger You.

This Is All Made Up, I Don’t Believe The Boys Would Do Any Of This. Our Boys Are Angels❤️

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were at loss the next weeks, it became harder for you. You would see Jungkook walking around school, ignoring you like you never existed in his life. He became popular having girls around him. When you guys were friends, girls didn’t get close to him because Jungkook only paid attention to you. Chan well let’s just say it hasn’t been easy since you had agreed to the marriage proposal. You wished you could of said no but losing your son is a pain that no mother should go through. You felt like the whole world was just against you but your son was the only reason you kept going, hiding away the pain.

A few weeks later, you were about 6 months now. You definitely couldn’t hide your bump anymore and at this point everybody knew that your were caring Chan’s baby but nobody knew the deal that was going on between you and him. He made sure to keep that on the low. He was still dating Rachel & if you weren’t pregnant you know damn well that she would definitely bully you physically but she made sure to only do it verbally. And there wasn’t a day that didn’t go by that she reminded you what a slut, home wrecker, whore you were for throwing yourself at Chan.

Being 6 months pregnant was becoming harder because with your bump growing everyday it was harder to get to place or even putting on shoes. Chan and his friends made sure to be with you at one point of the day helping you with whatever you needed. Every morning at least one of them would pick you up from your house and drive you to school. You hated how much control Chan had in your life but you had no one else to rely on.

It was a regular Friday, you were getting ready for another day of a school. The only exciting event was that you were going to see Jimin today and of course Baby Groot. Classes were rather slow, girls glaring at you while there were actually some that feel sorry for you. You were getting ready to leave when you saw Jungkook at his locker. Everybody was in class and it was just you took. ‘Should I talk to him?’ You thought, staring at him biting you lip. You decided go for it,“Um hey Jungkook!” You said while looking at the floor moving your gaze up to meet his cold ones.

“What do you want?” He asked his voice calm. “I was just wondering how you were doing?” You said your voice shaking a little. You were nervous it’s been weeks since you talked to him and your last conversation thanks to Chris didn’t go well. “I’m doing good, I can see you’re doing good. Seems like the baby is growing” you said with a softer voice when he noticed your body language. It was like you were scared of saying the wrong thing.

“Yea, he is growing. Do you umm wanna see a picture?” You asked your hand reaching for your phone. “Yea i would like too” Jungkook couldn’t lie and say he didn’t miss you. Of course he did, but the fact that you lied to him was a big deal for him because he had dealt with liars before and he hated it. “My doctor said he is growing healthy. He said I’m gonna have a normal delivery hopefully.” You said with a huge smile on your face showing him your ultrasound picture.

“That’s great to hear! I’m glad you guys are doing good! I gotta get to class.” He said closing his locker, getting his books and leaving. “Wait Jungkook, i wanted to tell you that Chan lied. I swear! He didn’t want to be in the baby’s life & he is threatening me to take him away if I don’t do what he says.” You ranted out, you noticed jungkook giving you a confused look. You hoped he believe you but he stared turned cold the second his gaze meet yours. “Stop fucking lying to me! I thought I would be able to figure you but you keep lying I can’t. Bye (y/n)” with that he walked away.

You let out a shaky breath, ‘why can’t you guys believe me.’ You left not even telling Chan you were leaving or waiting for him. You went to your doctors appointment and Jimin told you everything was good nothing to worry about. He gave you some pictures for you to take home. Jimin noticed your mood but because you were barely talking decided to give your space. With that you left to your house & changed. Feeling tired and exhausted, you were about to fall asleep when there was a knock on your door.

With a heavy sigh you got up and walk towards the door, opening it there was no surprise that it was Chan. You walked away back to your room with Chan behind you closing your door. You went to lay down on the bed when you heard Chan speak. “Why didn’t you wait for me?” “Because I didn’t feel like it.” You whisper your back facing him.

“I don’t care what you feel, you know better!” Chan voice was raising little by little. You were exhausted of just everything at this point. Everything you did was wrong, “So what Chan! What the fuck do you want! These past few weeks I’ve been dealing with your shit. With your friends, your girlfriend what more do you want for me. I agreed didn’t I, but I only did it because I love my son and I would be damned if I let you take him away from me! God I don’t even know who the fuck you are anymore. You were never like this, you never treated me like crap but fuck I’m tired of dealing with you. I have no one okay! I lost jungkook because you fucking lied to him! Fuck Christopher! Ahhh!!!” You couldn’t event think straight everything was coming out before you could stop yourself. 

Chan was just starting at you with an amused smirk but you could of swore you saw a bit of guilt in his eyes, you say the love that he once had for you but it quickly disappeared.

“Get dressed” he said after you rant. He put a box next you. You sat up, wiped your tears and opened the box. You knew that fighting with him was useless. Your eyes widen in shocked as you saw a white dress with flats. “What the hell is this?” When you looked up at Chan you saw him wearing a tuxedo. He look good you couldn’t lie. “What does it look like baby? It’s our wedding day. Make sure you do your hair and make up but hurry up we don’t have that much time. It’s in about an hour” he said like nothing.

“What the hell? You said we were going to get married until after school” you said getting up from the bed. “Yea but I decided why Wait? Right? Now hurry up before I dress you myself” Chan said getting annoyed with your questions. “Bu-“ You didn’t get to finished as Chan cut you off. “Just get ready! Don’t make me repeat myself!” Chan voices boomed making you shut up and started to get ready. Chan mad was a different site that you were used too but you were definitely scared.

After 40 mins you were dressed and ready to go. The dress that Chan got for you was beautiful, it fit you perfectly it was loose around your stomach but you could see your bump. Looking at yourself you felt beautiful. You walked out of your room to find Chan on his phone but putting it away once’s he saw you, walking towards the door you quickly followed trying not to make him more upset. He got in the car, you following and closing the door before he took off to god knows where but you stayed quiet, holding back tears.

“Stop fucking crying! I’m giving you what you want” Chan said hearing the anger in his voice, made you quiet down. 

‘What I want? What I want is for you to love me like you did before. What changed’ you thought looking out of the window. 

You stopped at the court house and you knew there was no turning back now. Chan walked to your side of the door and opened it. Grabbing your hand helping you out, walking hand in hand towards the court house.

Once inside you heart dropped. Chan’s friends were there but seeing Jungkook there was like a stabbed to the heart. “Look Happy because after this you won’t know what it was like to be happy” Chan whispered in your ear giving you a kiss on the cheek and left you to say hi to his guest. You stared at Jungkook and he looked away, walking towards Chan giving him a bro hug. None of them giving you a second glance.

Walking towards the judge, you both said your I do’s, kissing and walked out hand in hand. 

You were numb ‘how did my life get like this?’ You thought. 

You were brought back from your thoughts and say Woojin and Seungmin making their way towards you. “Hey congratulations! We wish you guys the best!” Woojin said pulling you into a hug, after Seungmin. All you could do was say Thank you and smile. Jungkook was next but he just said congratulations and walked away. You didn’t miss the fact that he didn’t even glance your way. He said goodbye to Chan and his friends and left. You were waiting for Chan to finish so you could go home.

“I’m pretty sure you are aware that your moving into my house now. My guys already brought your stuff and set it up” he said it so calmly you thought it was a lie. “Okay” was all you said. Chan drove you guys home, you sat quietly in your seat, playing with the hem of your dress. You arrived at your new house and were shocked to see how big it was. This was definitely a different house then the one you saw Chan live before. 

“Since we are married now, this house is a gift from my parents. You stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine” Chan said pulling up, turning off the car and getting off. You followed him inside the house.

“Welcome To your new house baby girl! Well I’m going out to celebrate our wedding day. But you can’t leave this house whatsoever. I’ll be back later!” With that he left you alone in the house that didn’t feel like a home.

“Here’s to our new life! I promise I’ll get you out of here!” You said to your son.

Chan’s POV

‘Seeing her scared of me made me feel guilty but I shouldn’t feel this way. She lied and used me. I can never forgive her. Behind that sweet innocent act, there’s nothing but a gold digger waiting to come out. All she wanted was my money and the title she would get. That’s exactly what I’m giving her. Nobody makes a fool of me and gets away with it. I will make her pay, even if it hurts me. Why can’t I stop loving her? My heart aches and wants nothing but to hold her but no Chan you gotta show her that you’re nobody’s fool’ Chan thought as he left to go out with his friends and end the night in Rachel’s bed for the night. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey guys! 

Sorry it took me awhile to post part 8 but I just moved into my new house and I’ve been busy moving my stuff and organize it as well but I promise I will post when I get the chance!

Also I’m going to go see SKZ tomorrow night a& I’m so excited. It inspired me to upload part 8! 

[tslasvegas]

Episode 4: “I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.” - Keegan

Dan and JAKE! A WORD IN MY OFFICE PLEASE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Wow! Today was A Day to say the least. I feel like boo boo the fool with how things went down today, but hopefully, I can recover from that now that there’s a new tribe. I’m excited to get to know new people, but sad to see my old alliances have to come to an end. I guess we’ll see what happens

Finally a swap and golly 5 OG Palazzo! I really hope this works in our favor. Kinda nervous for Joey and Stephanie tho because now they are in the minority of their tribe. I do hope they’ll find a way to survive till merge

LMFAO IM... watching the tribal council for the other tribe and I'm SORRY??? Who the fuck is Jake S he is the most condescending man I've ever seen in my entire life YIKES. Anyways this swap is nice.. I think I've got a good group, I really hope we win the next few immunities because I 1) really dont want to see Rachael on this tribe and 2) i want to try and rebuild my um. tattered relationships. I did the best I could in the challenge for tonight, I'll try to come back tomorrow a little more renewed cus I'm kinda wiped out from today's events. Now that my tribal council cherry has been popped for this Org its time to go crazy woop

So good not to check Luxor anymore! 

Well last tribal went fine, I got to see what was in the Prize Vault which is awesome; now I have a better idea of the twist. Big problem though- Our swap put me in the minority. I was running Luxor and had a core 4, now they have 5 OG Pink so they can pluck us off, one at a time. I went from drivers seat to getting driven over. We need to win the challenge, so I'm gonna go ham in winterbells and hope to pull it out.

We swapped! I think I made a confessional already, but honestly I don't remember. I gave Livingston some of my chips so he can go visit the vault after the immunity challenge. We'll see what is in there and for how much, and maybe snatch up some real nice items to help us out. I've also got Andrew on my side, which is great and he's apparently quite tight with Pat, which is fantastic. Mo is a pretty decent dude and I've been talking with Jake a lot today. Things are going alright. I just hope we can win this challenge. 

Phew, while the swap was not ideal. I was really liking my tribe, we were kind of quiet but individually everyone was great and we also kicked butt at challenges! Anyway, the swap with numbers wise not great, but I know Xavi from a previous game and we have a solid relationship, I hope he and John and Joey and myself can build a solid squad to make it to the merge. The challenge was rough tbh, I am not great at video games, but I think I did ok... Jaiden got like 20 trillion points on a game so really I have no idea how I did. Hoping for the best!

I am losing my mind in my personal life so I am sorry that I have been mia. I appreciate the patience from the hosts and my tribe. It makes me still want to play even though I've been kinda invisible. I'm aware of that. I'll fix it. I promise. Otherwise, its been pretty good as a tribe so far. Andrew, Pat, and NIk and i are all really close from other games, so we're good and Andrew and Pat and I are together, which is just really unfair if you ask me. I can't wait to start scheming!

Uhhhhhh.................................... anyways........ yall hear somethin? Oh I hear something. It's the sound of Joey literally blowing himself up to me hardcore!!!! The narcissism and arrogance really jumped out on this one. So Joey had the idea of calling tonight to go over some stuff and honestly out of the 2 hours we spent, I think about 45-60 mins of it was rather nice and I do feel that I enjoy his presence, but omg... his desire for control is so noticeable and its kinda gross. Joey and I debriefed on what went down on Bellagio and I totally understand why there was the difference in us discussing tribe dynamics - I had to give up all my info while he kinda kept things more reserved. I want to assume this is because of the fact that I went to tribal and he hasn't until now. I won't judge him for that. However, after this he's kinda like dictating the fact that an OG Bellagio needs to go home. Ben is the easier person to throw under the bus since he didn't even bother to do the challenge/let us know what's up. Not a big fan of that, but aight. Then Joey starts suggesting we vote out Kailyn...?? Uh... not on my watch. I have to make it up to Kailyn at least a little bit so even though she's probably got a loaded gun pointed at my head rn, I want to defuse the situation rather than start throwing her out there as a potential target. Even if it isn't coming from me, I'm not here for that. The information that Joey did give up to me relates to the chips in the game. I've never paid much attention to the chips, but I guess it takes 10 to get into the vault and Joey's got between 11 and 15 (he changed his answer on the subject SEVERAL times). He says there are three idols worth 40 chips each, then a super idol worth I think 50 or 60 (can't remember). On top of that, there are nullifiers, vote advantages, and a legacy advantage, too. He seems fixated on the legacy advantage and really wants the chips to get it. Like.. ok do you but we NEED the super idol?? Does he not realize that thing has more power than anything else in the vault combined..? ANYWAYS. What really started to turn me off about Joey is that there was this sudden expectation that I'd be giving him all of my chips thus far. I don't care about them to begin with but knowing what I know now, it doesn't make sense for me to give him my stash just to fuel his hunt for... a measly legacy advantage... I put myself in a compromising position. I told him that once a host gets back to me on my exact total, I'd be willing to trade him my chips for I guess an allyship going forward. I mean that. I want to work with Joey at least through this vote, but I can't guarantee that it'll go much further than that. He is a very risky person for my game right now because if he's coming off this strong to everybody, it's only going to hurt me by association to stick with him longer than a vote or two. However, I'm going to try and divert the attention and just be like, maybe we need to use my five as a bartering piece for new allies at this point. I want to try and build meaningful partnerships right now, especially since that was the only reason I wanted to make it to the merge.. Rebuilding is crucial as well. Kailyn and possibly Nik/Rachael are not going to be fond of me once we all have "the talk" about last tribal. I put myself in an even more compromising position with them, but I'll find my way out of that mess. I think........ As far as this tribe goes, I think between Joey's WILD imagination/constant over-analyzing and the lack of direction this tribe has taken so far.. I'm doing okay. Nobody is really standing out besides Joey and I guess myself in a way, so if I keep him around it MIGHT even shrink my own target little by little - unless people find out we're together then FUK. 

......five seconds later

In terms of my other relationships right now, I love John Coffey but this is old news, I've been in love with this man since like 2016 and it's fine - totally fine - just fangirling a bit rn since I get to spend more time with him!! woohoo. Xavier and Stephanie are straight up non-entities which makes me SO scared of them especially since Stephanie's won an ORG before... how can someone be so irrelevant yet still win something? Hmm... Makes me think that she's secretly a ninja, you never even see her around. Nik has grown more and more quiet as the days go along and I wonder what's goin' on with that. Maybe they've decided since Biden won the election that moving to New Zealand is a bad idea? Lmfao. I dunno. Nik stresses me the hell out because I have no idea what they're thinking at any point in time even in the off-chance that we are talking. I think I might just have a personality they don't mesh with because I noticed on call forever ago that none of my jokes were particularly landing but Nik had a lot to say and a LOT to joke about there... rip. If it's a personality conflict - go off, I guess. I'll try on a couple different hats w this person to try and see if I can get things to go better than they have been. Kailyn.. like I said before, pretty sure she's after me but I am really trying to sell it to her that I like her a lot, because I do. I literally compare her to my best friend irl because they have very similar attributes and I consider Kailyn kinda messy but fun and quirky like my BFF so I hope that Kailyn did truly appreciate me making that comparison. Ben's inability to do this challenge is going to be his undoing. I think the only acceptable move is to vote him off this time because I HAVE to prove to Kailyn that I can stay the course, and I also need to whittle down Bellagio numbers to prevent people from targeting us and having everything go to shit that way. Let Joey control this, please dear god. Don't let me get blood on my hands. Let Rachael integrate herself well on this tribe. Let someone else blow themselves up in the process. Just not me plz and thanks. There is no fear in my soul tonight. Joey might be a fucking crackhead but so am I. I'm breaking down walls that I didn't think existed but Joey basically told me tonight that he thought I was confrontational, rude, chaotic, and all these other things but was impressed at how calm, optimistic, and outgoing I was. Love to hear it. He might think he overestimated me but he was right about the initial impressions... too bad he won't be around long enough to see that side of me :~) 

FIRSTLY, DeNara was robbed. Okay so I already wrote this a while ago in my host chat about how the fact jake and dan are praying for my downfall because after the swap i am the only og bellagio on a tribe with 5 palazzo and 2 luxor. so after I slowly blinked at my screen for a bit I was like okay how do we survive this if I go to tribal. Because I’m under the impression tribes are gonna stick together especially going into merge but since Luxor is already down so many members it’s kinda Bellagio Vs. Palazzo. but then I was like okay wait I’m the only member of bellagio on this tribe after coming from a tribal so I’m the only one who can say what happened and I can create what narrative I want to help me get through the next couple rounds. Because if I was like oh blah blah I was in majority im so fucked then of course they’re gonna target me to get me out. But if I play the victim card and milk the fact that I voted in the minority acting like I hate my og tribe maybe they’ll think to use me as a pawn. To take down others moving forward. Listen if I have to be labeled a goat to move forward then BAA bitch.

.....five seconds later

Things are going good, because not only am no longer in danger this round but that means Rachael is going to the enemy tribe which if she came to our tribe that might’ve disrupted the narrative I had going of me being against og bellagio. Also DeNara should still be here, don’t think I didn’t clock the fact that Ben scored a 0. I also found out from Andrew that Rachael and Ben are apart of the same Tengaged group which explains why Rachael was so set on Ben staying but like, listen, if I end up in a game with someone I’m friends with, and they’re not active and helping the tribe. Good riddance.

What the. We lost yet again. I have lost everything since the start of the game. It's crazy. There are 4 from Bellagio, 2 Palazzo and 2 Luxor. 2+2 seems like an obvious plan, but it looks like it is falling apart already (read: Joey). Sucks to be across the world, so instead of scheming, I'll be sleeping.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. is the same as I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty. 

The swap did happen. Expected it. Glad we won this first challenge in this new tribe tho in worried for Stephanie and Joey

Vault Shenanigans - Holy shit I did not expect this to be as powerful as it is. I was preparing myself for some sort of payment based search system, but being able to straight up buy the items I want, but its also the same for other people. I had a misconception at how generous the wheel was so I'm probably behind some people with the amount of chips, but I could very well start scooping up some of the steal votes and just say "see ya" to the idols, although getting a super idol would be very wild, it still seems risky to hold out that long to get it, even though there's a great amount of power associated with it. The other issue with a super idol is that I think that its very likely that if I get into a position where I need to use it, that I lose a lot of respect with the jury if it does happen. The only benefit from actually having it would be that I no longer have to worry about someone else whipping it out, so it'd be less for me wanting it, but more for others not having it. As of now, I think my optimal play is to hold on to my chips until around ~40, and then buy both vote steals at once, OR go all out for the super if someone has already bought an idol by that point, because I would be operating under the assumption that the frontrunner is already out of the running. Tribe Swap Shenanigans - This is a hell of a tribe swap. 5-2-1 is always a great spot to be in, I am already good within the 5 that I have so I don't have to worry about anything there, it should be relatively smooth sailing as far as getting to the merge. Mo/Jake are alright so far, neither particularly speak too much. Kevin has not reached out at all, probably will try to talk to him tonight for general purposes, even if he seems like he'd be an easy one to get out first should we go to tribal the next time. But generally I really don't plan on losing so it's kind of a wash. I'll take the smooth sailing, easy path to merge. Premerge is never as relevant as merge is when it comes to FTC as long as you have something to show for yourself at the merge. I've got all game to make my presence known, and I plan on using the entirety of the game to do so.

I feel super anxious today because even though I had a great conversation and built a good connection to Joey, there hasn't been any talk about the vote quite yet. I mean obviously names have rolled out but nothing solid is out there still, I think I just need to let go of the urgency for a name to start being spread early on and just let things be. Stephanie and I have been chatting a bit here and there today so I feel more comfortable with her and hopefully she sees things from a similar perspective as everyone else - the Bellagio foursome needs to get broken up right now. As long as it's not my name of course!!!!! Plz vote Ben @everyone. Or Kailyn tbh save me a little bit of trouble now. Talking to Xavier is SO HARD LMAO. He doesn't immediately contribute information into a conversation and as bad as I wanna get rid of Ben, I almost..almost think going for Xavier is the smarter move, since Xavier doesn't seem too motivated to actually get to know ME and work with me. I'm selfish that way. Kailyn doesn't seem like she wants to do Ben which is a little frustrating but I totally get it, if Ben stays he's going to go after her hardcore but like she needs to actually pitch me an alternative lmfao. I don't wanna go bending over backwards just to appease her right now so if she doesn't gimme a name.. sorry sis but then I think it's gonna be Joey's call on this one :/

I am being very cautious now. The 4 of us (me, John, Joey and Steph) are going to vote together. Now Jaiden wants to vote Nik. And Kailyn wants to vote Ben. Why can't we just agree on one?! And it always has to go down to the wire. Stick together, people!

I think I am possibly leading the charge against Nik rn?? Joey told me he wanted Ben and then I told him I wanted Nik and now he wants Nik LOL take that Stephen 

Okay well I have no idea what's going to happen tonight, but I'm going into tribal not afraid of the vote I am probably going to have to make ... I think the best move is to just vote for Nik and be done with it, but it's going to cause a serious rift in a lot of my relationships if I do so. I've been super wishy-washy to a lot of people I think and right now it doesn't make sense to continuously do one thing when I mean another.. especially since there seems to be zero ground to move upon when it comes to getting the vote to turn from Nik to Ben. Nik doesn't even SEEM ACTIVE?? Why are we making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ben can't just walk around deciding what's going on and I think Kailyn would prefer to keep Nik around rather than Ben but it's like... so push for Ben to be the target hun! She's feeding into someone else's move no matter what she does, it's either Ben's agenda or John's agenda. Pick a side, but pick the side I'm on, too. Why don't we just vote for Kailyn tbh. lmao

[deadlynyghtshayde]

Back when I lived in England and during the weeks stayed at my ex's in a town, I'd spent the better part of a day helping my friend pack up the last of her stuff, clean and spot paint the walls in the apartment she was leaving. I look a little disheveled, the way you do when you're helping a friend to move, but nothing too extreme. Or so I thought.

On my way to the bus station to go home was a hotel, an expensive place where weddings would happen, and ambassadors and celebrities would stay. A beautiful building with wisteria growing around the windows.

And I get stopped while I'm passing, by a woman with an iPad who asks, "do you have a few minutes to answer a survey?"

I look at her, confused, "uh, not really.. I'm catching a bus at (time)"

"oh, don't worry! You have 40 mins and this will only take ten! Plus you'll get some food." Eh, I didn't really want to go see my then boyfriend before going home. This was a good enough excuse.

"uh... Sure...? I guess" we go into the hotel, it's beautiful, she takes me into a hall with tables set up and she keeps giving me options of foods on crackers and yoghurts. "Do you like this feta cheese, or this one?" Etc.

We slip into convo and I say I'm a fashion student, an artist etc. Then someone comes in without a person with an iPad, and heads to a table to get samples. She waves at and calls "back again, (name)?" I look up and he's one of the homeless people in the town, I recognize him. We finish and she says I can stay and just sit for a while if I want, but at this point my bus is in 15 mins and while we're basically at the station, I don't trust the drivers to not go early. I lean down to grab my bag, and see just how dusty and ragged my clothes look, my bag is old, big and beaten up and my hair's probably a mess from anxiety hands. And it dawned on me, she thought I was homeless.

They were probably trying to help the homeless people of the town while doing whatever survey they had to do for work, and I was assumed down on my luck.

It's dumb that this came into my mind, I don't know why, but it does make me giggle a bit. That's probably the only time I'll see the inside of that place, it was gorgeous.

[hermione-mode]

how I’m trying to reduce my screentime

So... I spend a lot of my time on my phone. And when I say a lot, it’s A LOT. 

I really enjoy watching YouTube videos, so most of my time is spent there, and I just watch one video after another. Sometimes - most of the time, actually - I don’t even watch the videos and just listen to them while I’m doing other things, including homework. This really does not help my productivity, because I’m neither completely focused on doing my homework or completely focused on watching the video. 

Because of this, my screentime can go as up as 9 hours a day, and that is definitely not good. It’s the worse it’s ever been. 

I also find that spending more time on my phone and scrolling on Instagram for hours does not contribute to my anxiety or mental well-being at all. In October, I used my phone so much, one day my screentime was as high as 13 hours, and coincidentally, October was a month full of anxiety, overthinking, mental breakdowns, and just in general not good for my mental health. 

I’ve always used ‘App Limits’ and ‘Downtime’ (if you have an iPhone - I’m not sure if there’s an option for this in Android - you can go to Settings, Screen Time, and then set up your Downtime and App Limits, so that you can control the time you spend on your phone), but I would just keep clicking ‘15 more minutes’ or just ‘Ignore Limit for Today’.

At the start of November, I realized my screentime was just excessive. By the second week, I just knew I had to do something about it, so I set a goal for myself. I didn’t write it down or anything, I just changed my mindset and started trying to drop this bad habit. Sometimes, when I think through what I want to do too much and start planning excessively, I just get lazy and never actually end up doing it, so that’s why I just did it. 

On Monday, I decided that it was going to be the day to start changing my bad habits. So I got home, put on some music and threw my phone on the couch while I was doing productive stuff for once in my life like cleaning my room, taking a shower (I usually procrastinate and end up showering really late at night), and making lunch. I had a nice lunch with my family without looking at my phone once, and as soon as I finished I went to my room to start doing homework. I turned off my phone completely and just played some music on my computer, and finished my homework at 6pm.

I find that if I just play some music, I’m fine and don’t feel the need to check my phone every 5 minutes since my main problem is that I can’t be alone with my thoughts or I’ll literally go crazy lol (still working on that one).

This whole week I’ve been doing that, and I’ve been actually respecting my App Limits instead of ignoring them! My screentime has decreased from a 9-hours-a-day average to a 2-hour one, and, for example, today I only used my phone for an hour and a half, which is quite an improvement, if I can say so myself.

And the benefits of this? 

Mental Health: My anxiety has been way better this week, and I’ve just been feeling a lot better. 

Time Management: I actually have time for everything! I’ve been finishing my homework early, so now I have the whole night to relax, read, take care of myself and go to bed early.

Sleep: I’ve actually been sleeping lol. I’ve been going to bed at 10 or 11pm, and waking up at 5:50am, which is pretty good for me. Today was the only day I’ve felt (physically, not mentally) tired and that’s probably because I volunteer every Wednesday and that exhausts me lol. 

Productivity: I’ve been working efficiently because I’ve been more focused and concentrated while doing my homework and studying, so I’ve done more work in fewer time :).

Content: I’ve been more conscious of the content I consume. Before, I would just add every YouTube video on my Subscriptions page to a playlist so I could watch them later even if I wasn’t that interested in a video or it didn’t contribute or improve my life in any form. Now, because I know that the App Limit I set up only allows me to watch two videos or one really long one, I try to really think through what I’m going to watch and prioritize what I’m most interested in. 

So, how to stop using your phone: 

Change your mindset. Start right now. Don’t wait for Monday or for a new month or a new year, just start. Put your phone away right now and go read a book or do that task you’ve been putting off for weeks. 

Set up your App Limits and Downtime. You can go to Settings > Screentime > App Limits or Downtime. Try to figure out how much time you can actually spend on your phone and on each app according to your schedule and how productive you want to be on a daily basis. I’ve set up mine to: Youtube - 40 min, Instagram - 20 min, Twitter - 10 min, Netflix - 40 min (this is still a lot of time, but I know I can afford it so it’s fine :)). You can also specify if you want these app limits from Monday to Friday or also on the weekends, or on specific days. The Downtime option means your phone will ‘block’ at a specific time and ‘unblock’ when you wake up. You can still ignore the limit if you really need to use an app, but I would recommend setting up your ‘Always Allowed’ apps instead if you know you’ll probably have to use one (mine are Settings, Calendar, and Google Maps because I take the bus lol). I’ve set up my downtime from 9:30 pm (so that I have half an hour to disconnect before I actually have to go to bed) to 6:00 am, which is when I wake up. I would recommend that if you wake up, let’s say, at 6 am, you set your Downtime to end at 6:30 am, so that you’re not on your phone as soon as you wake up :). I only set up mine at 6 am because I have to check the weather and bus times while I’m getting ready. 

Now that you’ve set up your Screentime Limits, respect it! Try to avoid at all costs the ‘Ignore Limit for a Day’ or the 15 more minutes option, unless it’s really an emergency. I promise that if you use that option once, it will be hard to stop doing it. 

When you get home, put your phone in a place hard to reach or where you know you won’t be tempted to use it. I usually just leave it in the living room, on the couch, where I can’t see it.

If you’re like me and don’t like to be in complete quiet, try putting some music, but don’t get distracted! :). Just have a go-to playlist so that you don’t have to spend half an hour setting up your queue. 

Changing your bad habits requires a lot of discipline and time, so don’t worry if you use your phone for more than 2 hours one day! Just make sure the next one you go back to staying off your phone :). You can also reduce your screentime progressively if that’s easier for you.

If it works best for you, write down your goal of approximately how much time you want to spend on your phone daily and also write down how you’re going to do it :).

Try other hobbies! If you have other hobbies to do in your free time you won’t reach for your phone as soon as you don’t have anything to do. 

I think that’s all I have to share about this (a lot, I know), but if you have any other tips, let me know! I’ll try to share them here and also on my Instagram, hermionemode :).

[mensbodybuildingtips]

The Right Whey: Tips And Recipes To Shake Up The Way You Use Protein

Water and healthy protein ... Protein as well as water. No matter exactly how you mix it, the combination is simply ordinary stagnant. So when was the last time you made a protein shake with anything however water, whey, and a shaker cup?

We thought so.

The irony of all this is triggered by the truth that whey protein solutions go to their advanced best. Yet, despite protein being at its absolute finest in taste, in bioavailability and in easily blended solutions, exactly how numerous of us still stand at the kitchen sink, fill up a cup up with semi-cold water, dump an inside story of healthy protein in, and shake, after that almost plug our noses as we down it?

At this factor, you're possibly objecting, assuming "I get on a diet - exactly what else should I mix with my healthy protein?" There is some truth to that - specifically if you have a total healthy protein that has a great fat resource included, as well as no sugar, however a pleasant preference. Formulas vary so considerably, it is possible you have a protein you actually like that in fact tastes good.

Whey Protein: Diets vs. Mass

Line up 10 leading brand proteins and also you might locate extremely various dietary assays on each label. Some will differ in whey type, while others contain greater than just whey, such as casein or soy, or vary in the sweetener or flavor utilized to earn the formula palatable.

Each will certainly also include a different macronutrient break down - with more or much less carbs or fats, and a broad swing in the variety of healthy protein grams. Add to that the number of tastes in each brand, as well as the fat resource in each brand name. Some proteins will feature a beneficial medium-chain triglyceride (MCT) such as coconut milk or oil, and others will simply mix in whatever emulsifying fat is cheapest.

Sweeteners also differ widely, and also could consist of every little thing from ordinary old sugar to corn syrup, high-fructose corn syrup, Splenda, Nutrasweet, or the even more all-natural and also healthy Stevia.

Give or take components, of those 10 healthy proteins, you can most likely separate them right into 2 classifications: Those fit to mass-building as well as those to dieting.

Typically, healthy proteins that attend to diet programs will showcase 25 to 35 grams of protein, no to 10 grams of carbs, and absolutely no to 12 or 15 grams of fat. Those fit to mass gains will include anywhere from 30 to 40 grams of protein, 15 to 40 grams of carbohydrates, and 5 to 20 grams of fat.

The excellent aspect of having such variance in proteins is that you can prefer to either use a protein on its own as a dish substitute during a diet plan, or as a meal replacement throughout a mass cycle, without having to add other foods.

But we think that if you locate a healthy protein you such as - and that's normally driven by components, high quality and preference - we assume you're going to persevere. So how does one adapt his/her preferred protein to be a year-round formula, as well as what criteria should own that choice?

Choosing a healthy protein that is formulated for diet plan, versus mass, has its benefits due to the fact that you could constantly contribute to the formula using a shake - you can not remove ingredients.

Shakes that claim to be meal substitutes or are mass-monster owned do not constantly have the most effective top quality ingredients either. They are usually rife with fillers that are not healthy and also can trigger fat storage space in the off season.

We assume it's far better to earn your own.

We are frequently asked: What does it cost? healthy protein do I require in a day in order to fulfill my objectives? We such as to take the center of the roadway as well as have you include or subtract from there. Whether you're dieting or intending to get mass, right here's a good guide that you could customize:

Daily Intake Based on 1 to 1.5 grams of Healthy protein per Extra pound of Bodyweight

Bodyweight

Grams of Protein Required

125 extra pounds = 125 to 188 grams of protein

150 pounds = 150 to 225 grams of protein

175 extra pounds = 175 to 263 grams of protein

200 extra pounds = 200 to 300 grams of protein

250 extra pounds = 250 to 375 grams of protein

Another method to take a look at protein requirements in the diet is by portions of calories allotted:

Daily Calorie Requirements/ Percent of Protein (20-40%)

1500 calories = 75 to 150 grams of protein

2000 calories = 100 to 200 grams of protein

2500 calories = 125 to 250 grams of protein

3000 calories = 150 to 300 grams of protein

3500 calories = 175 to 350 grams of protein

4000 calories = 200 to 400 grams of protein

5000 calories = 250 to 500 grams of protein

The biggest reason a bodybuilder cannot gain weight in the off season, or fails to keep it during a diet, might be that they does not take in adequate healthy protein. Yet the various other factor may be lack of strategy behind times a protein shake is blended as well as ingested.

Here's a good rule of thumb:

BEST TIMES TO HAVE A PROTEIN SHAKE

First thing in the morning - Complying with a fasting state you'll place yourself right into favorable nitrogen equilibrium immediately.

Between meals - Make these easy trembles that simply fill up the void and also maintain you in positive nitrogen balance.

Pre- and Post-Workout - Protein shakes before as well as after exercises can be loaded with included nutrients to sustain workout as well as healing: Creatine and also Nitric Oxide for pumps as well as power, as well as Glutamine and BCAAs for recovery.

Evening - If you're diet programs, yet do not wish to comply with the 'Don't consume after 6 p.m. rule' have a healthy protein shake or more (one with couple of carbs as well as reduced fats) to optimize nitrogen balance during sleep as well as maintain the metabolic rate burning.

Think you know a lot about whey healthy protein? Right here are some facts in order to help you utilize it

WHEY WISDOM FOR BOTH GAINER and LOSER

WW1: Throughout mass cycles, you can enhance protein uptake with fast-digesting carbs, such as waxy maze or add your own to shakes that contain hardly any carbohydrate.

WW2: The very best weight gainer shake has a carb-to-protein proportion of 2:1. No commercial blends around actually attribute that - always placing even more protein in the mix than carbs. Make your very own with this ratio in mind.

WW3: If you are adding added fat to a blender shake for mass-building, add great fats, such as Omega-3s: walnuts or walnut oil, peanut butter and flax seeds as well as flax seed oil.

WW4: A suitable diet plan must have an Omega-3-to-Omega-6 ratio of 2:1. To include even more Omega-3 foods to your mixer drinks - without the fat - add foods such as spinach, watercress, kale, mint and also oatmeal. Mint leaves make a fantastic enhancement to any chocolate shake.

WW5: Whether building mass or dieting, maximize your post-workout shakes by adding recovery aids, such as glutamine, arginine, waxy maize, beta-alanine, and branched-chain amino acids (BCAAs), along with additional vitamins An as well as C, and trace element, such as potassium.

WW6: The difference in between Whey Isolate as well as Whey Concentrate: Separate expenses much more as well as has a higher bioavailability rating of 98 percent, and nearly no lactose. Concentrate has lactose, has a reduced BV rating of 80 percent, as well as is less costly. For weight gainers, a whey concentrate could be the best option since it's greater in calories.

WW7: In spite of hearing that it's always much better to consume "entire foods" supplementing with whey healthy protein is hassle-free, requires no refrigeration, is much easier on the stomach and less dental filling, has a greater BV compared to a lot of foods, as well as is strengthened with vitamins you may not get eating just entire foods.

Tips for Easy Mixing:

All proteins advertise that they are conveniently combined, however exactly how numerous lump cost-free trembles have you had in the last 10 years? Because it's always a lot much more tasty to consume alcohol a shake that has been blended to a smooth uniformity, here are some suggestions in order to help:

Use a blender or food processor or glass and mix - don't utilize a shaker cup. No blender? Combine with a fork, not a spoon, or little mini-whisk

Add protein as well as water right into the glass a little each time. Fifty percent an inside story of protein mixes much better with 2 to 4 ounces of water.

Let it rest for a couple of mins before alcohol consumption, after that blend again.

WHEY SHAKE ADDITIONS and RECIPES

The possibilities are limitless for drinks as well as much of exactly what you can mix in relies on your very own taste as well as just how versed you remain in just what food mixes produce desirable preference. However mixing whey protein trembles ought to also be a calculated means to obtain specifically just what you need at any type of offered time throughout your day.

Foods You Can Mix Into Shakes:

Milk

Cream or half-and-half

Fruit (iced up for added density, or fresh)

Fruit juice

Coconut water

Brewed coffee (or granules for taste and also pick-me-up)

Nuts and nut butters (peanut, almond, walnut)

MCT oils (coconut oil, coconut milk, or Cap-Tri)

Cereal (Kashi, grapenuts, oatmeal)

Greek yogurt

Ice cream or frozen yogurt

Pasteurized egg whites

Pudding and dessert mix

Extracts (almond, vanilla, mint)

Spices (cinnamon, cardamom, nutmeg)

You can also mix protein, thinned down with water, right into points like pancake and also mashed potato mixes to lend a higher healthy protein value to your carbohydrates.

Dieter Shakes:

Coconut Chocolate Mint Shake:

1 scoop of vanilla whey protein

1 small container of coconut water (not milk)

1 teaspoon Dutch process cocoa

3 or 4 mint leaves or mint extract

1/2 packet of Stevia

Chai Tea shake

Whey protein

Sugar-free Chai mix

4 tablespoons Non-fat Greek yogurt

Water

Weight Gainer Shakes

Maple-bacon-nut butter B-Fast Shake (Like a bacon-maple syrup pancake breakfast)

Unflavored or vanilla whey protein

Cooked crisp bacon, (ground into dirt in mixer)

2 tbsps maple syrup or 1 tbsp maple extract

1/ 2 cup raw oatmeal (ground in advance into dirt)

Pasteurized egg whites or whole eggs

1 tablespoon peanut or almond butter - or 2 tablespoons walnut oil

Whole milk

Berry-ana Peanut Butter Shake

Vanilla whey protein

1 Banana

5 frozen strawberries

1/3 cup heavy cream

Pasteurized egg whites

1/4 cup oatmeal

3 tablespoons peanut butter

[nyame-adi]

So the flavour of the month(year and forever because I just love this place) is still Switzerland and in continuation from last weeks post here are:

10 things I wish I knew before I moved to Switzerland

You do not have to carry the whole of the UK in your suitcase

Moving to a new country, you would want to prepare to make your transition as smooth as possible in real african nature  my mum had it in her mind that it is smartest thing to get me to clear out the shelves in Argos, Lidl, Ikea and Tesco- basically everywhere that would take our money! – Guys I went to this country with 4 suitcases a blender, a sandwich maker( I DIDNT EVEN LIKE SANDWICHES LIKE THAT TO CARRY ONE) cutlery, vaccum packed pillows and plenty packs of Maggie cube, the list extends,  but it was too much.Now, I’m not knocking being prepared for a big move and sometimes it is much cheaper to bulk buy, but I learnt the hard way…. you need to be reasonable with the lists you make. I made a list based of what I would need for university but in reality I  realised when my tenure ended(the hard way) that I packed wayyyyy too much. This included some things  I never used(not proud to say it) – coming home was misson impossible, getting on 2 trains with a journey of a duration of 2h30 from Lucerne to Zurich, navigating the airport before catching a flight to the UK with +4 suitcases BY MYSELF.Lesson:  You do not need to carry a sandwich maker unless you really like sandwiches otherwise then do you. okay well the main lesson is be kind to yourself and let the things you don’t need go.

Take ALL your seasonings with you

If you like flavour – just to do it, thank me later because the seasoning game in switzerland is WEAK, sorry not sorry. As someone who loves food and cooking I remember struggling to find common jerk seasoning – alternatively amazon is the plug for all your tropical sun seasonings – have no fear amazon is here. I did hear from my aunt that if you’re in Zurich you will be able to get supermalt, african seasonings and food items in and around Stauffacherstrasse, tram stop Helvetiaplatz, been there once or twice and there’s a nice little community of africans there.Lesson:  Jollof without Maggie/stock cube is not Jollof.

Time is your friend

I think that goes for everything – take time and settle into your environment because its not going anywhere, in my previous post  I mentioned I took quite a while to settle into my environment (which is normal) but rushing the process or feeling bad for not adjusting is not going to help anything if anything it really kills the vibe.Lesson:  Take time, Enjoy the View and settle in.

Almost everything closes on a Sunday – Don’t eat all your snack on Saturday

Self explanatory really, do all your shopping in the week and leave sunday for Church and chilling less commercialism enhancing the quality of life.Lesson:  Get Organised! Leave that packet of popcorn for tomorrow, you will not die. HA BA!

Make friends

NO ONE IS SAYING GO AND CARRY THE WHOLE NEIGBOURHOOD ON YOUR HEAD. BUT no interaction is done with only one person (As in yo, yourself and you). I’m an introvert so I can easily get aorund by being locked in a cocoon and coming out when I feel like it which is usually NEVER! Nothing good comes from being in a foreign land alone.Proverbs 13:20 : Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.Lesson: It easier to get around if you know people who can direct you accuratey and with love. No man is an Island and sometimes you can be your own companion of fools.

Home is where YOU make it

Get comfortable – HI HELLO WAKE UP, this is where you are at now! looking back at what WAS home will rob you from what is NOW home, focusing too much on where you want to be will steal todays joy. Buy that lamp you wanted! Create that chill corner! Do what you got to do. The worst thing for me was being somewhere I called home that didn’t feel like…home because I chose to blame my environment for not being like what I knew.Lesson: Get settled girl, take responsibility for your HOME – rest your roots and ease them out when it is time to bounce.

Stienhofstrasse outside my window

Stienhofstrasse accomodation

Stienhofstrasse

Should have been #1 – Your faith will keep you

Its easy to be very anixous when you are away from home and I can’t lie I did and still do sometimes fall into the trap. If you’re like me you’d think youself into oblivion and if you do not CHECK. YOUR. SELF. You’ll just spin into a web of fears. Take it easy! Foh Ril! this is a good time to get grounded and cling on to God replace those thought’s with His wisdom and knowledge all packed into His divine word.

What if i get lost on my walk? What if someone kidnaps me? What if i run out of money? What if i get ill? Who will care for me? What if i don’t make friends?

Lesson: Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Stay humbled and find peace, John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.                             

This is your passport in (to Germany, France, Italy, Liechtenstein)

Switzerland is beautiful nestled between other picturesque countries. Unlike the UK it is more feasible to access these places without having to do too much. Infact some countries do not even require getting on a plane to get there.

ZURICH TO MUNICH: 370 KM ; 3h30 on cars; 3h45 by Flixbus; 4hrs by train; 50 mins -1hr by flight

ZURICH to LYON: 419 KM; 4h51 by car; 5h by train; 1hr-1h30 by flight

ZURICH TO COMO: 235 KM; 2h51 by car; 3h by train; 55min flight to Milan and 40 min train journey

ZURICH TO VADUZ: 109 KM ;1h5-1h30 by care; 2h40 train; no flights …Lesson : This leads me to the next point.

Day trips for the win

Need a say more? I used to get so bored staring out my window wishing I could do more with my time. Its not until I took my first trip to Bellinzona that I realised that THIS DAY TRIP THING IS A SHOUT! All it requires is a little planning so you don’t miss your bus or train back home and this can be done pretty easily – when I had last visited Switzerland I took a day trip which took me through the North of Switzerland up until Stein Am Rhein( boardering Germany) and back to Zurich – We had multiple stops and our tour guide provided us with many a dead joke, jkjk, she brought the vibes and told us many a story paired with a couple history lessons –  I booked the day trip on the day  (early morning of course) at the ticket office in Carparkplatz Sihlquai 2 minuets from Zurich Central Station.

Lesson: Can’t put a price on the experience

No experience is too expensive

Especially if it will infrom your understanding of the world today.

So there you have it 10 things I wish I knew before I moved to Switzerland.

      10 things I wish I knew – Switzerland So the flavour of the month(year and forever because I just love this place) is still Switzerland and in continuation from last weeks post here are: