#and the quote is just a little bit silly and half cynical and it just Fits. in my heart. it fits

[frankmillerturnonyourlocation]

oh dammit i also need to build two more pages. Sigh okay as a reminder to myself and also because i want to talk about them messily here's my two wills that ive been procrastinating on giving tags:

Will Stanton!

From The Dark Is Rising (book series). Wildly dense British fantasy from the 70s that's gonna require more nuanced understanding of western European history to fully analyze and appraise than I have in me to give. With what I've got: it's, uh, definitely a British fantasy series from the 70s, with pieces of all the flaws you'd expect and possibly some exciting new ones, but it's good-hearted overall, and damn if it isn't beautiful.

I picked up a really old copy of the second book in the series from an elementary school that was giving them away during possibly the coldest, darkest, most socially hostile period of my college experience. Real leaving in the dark and coming home after dark vibes. I ended up finishing the book in the following semester, on a bench in town right before a beautiful spring storm. So, like, of course it's tattooed onto my heart.

Will is a twelve-year-old boy who lives on a farm and is also the last of a group of ancient, magic, impossibly wise guardians of all things ontologically good or whatever and he's no longer counted among humans as one of them and he's a little shit to his big sisters and he sings soprano. He walked into the woods with a teenager who wanted to hurt him and he never again acted entirely like a child. He tried to tell his favorite brother about it once. His brother didn't understand. He is the only one of the series' many child heroes who will remember any of it, and he will remember it forever, because he will not die. and im his weird time-lost best friend babysitter he shares a soul bond with and we have small companion dragons that are manifestations of our souls and its rad as fuck okay dont worry about it istg this is as far outside of canon compliance i have gotten with a self ship thus far

and thennnn.

William Shakespeare! (THE CHARARCTER FROM SOMETHING ROTTEN!)

Musicals are so fucking fun. It's like, cool, this thing rewired my brain, and I'm never gonna see it again. And we just do this to ourselves on purpose because live theater is so special and powerful like that. We do this on purpose.

And THEN it's like cool, cool, I'm researching contraceptive methods from the renaissance now, awesome. I'm spending my one wild and precious life thinking about meetcutes with Literal Playwright William Shakespeare. Nobody unfollow me for this. It's barely even rpf.

He's a little BITCH and a PLAGIARIST and a ROCK STAR and a CYNICAL ROMANTIC. I am CROSSDRESSING as a TEENAGE BOY to safely and legally CROSSDRESS AS A WOMAN to play BIT PARTS and get HECKLED onstage. And we slowburn until we develop a deep reliance on each other as two people with few healthy and reciprocal relationships with anyone else.

At some point, he lets me write some scripts and have them performed under his name. We all fucking hear me right now, right? Jesus Christ. It's not historical rpf. But I am saying that I would allow fictionalized, slutty William Shakespeare plagiarize my writing if he let me direct a little bit and also we were in love about it. I am saying that. And we're all still here.

[jostepherjoestar]

Can I request giorno meeting his shy half-sister (both of them are related cause DIO) and the two of bond over books.

📚Giorno and his half-sister bonding over books📚

sfw // no pronouns used but implied fem! reader

Thank you so much for requesting this! Sorry if reader turned out a bit more confident, I feel like they’d ease up once Giorno started joking around a bit. Also thank you for being patient 🥺cozy loves yall so much💖✨

“Thank you for taking up the offer; I wasn’t really sure you’d accept…” It felt a bit sheepish, standing there wriggling in your shoes, palms clammy with nervous sweat. Not quite the image you had hoped to convey to your newly found brother at your first meeting.

Well, half brother, actually. You had never even known him to exist, let alone be the head of a criminal organisation that seemed a little less devious than they’d like their reputation to let on. Perhaps it was his influence as their fresh new leader, working towards change, shaping the old crusted traditions into a cornucopia of advancements.

“No need to worry about that. I was surprised myself, I thought I’d never hear from Koichi again.” Giorno chuckled, it sounded so warm, so genuine. It eased up your tense shoulders, letting them fall back down and made you finally release that breath you’d been holding.

“Oh did something happen? He seemed very excited to contact you after he found me.” You admitted, remembering how Koichi’s face lit up when you suggested going to Italy. What a strange boy. You would have never met him, not even crossed paths once, if it weren’t for the research the Speed Wagon Foundation had been conducting.

They’d found out about your mother, the poor woman already passed on, too troubled to recount how she’d met your biological father, fear still striking her feeble heart every time your eyes met hers, a harsh reminder of her encounter with Dio. After some curt phone calls with a polite but coldly professional man named Dr. Kujoh you had learned a little about your father. The few details they provided about him already made your stomach curl in disgust.

That dark lit photograph of him had been etched into your very being but seeing Giorno, his blonde hair so remarkably resembling that of your shared father, seemed to have changed that twisted image. “Hah, I’ll tell you some other time. Come, sit down! I’ll have someone bring us some drinks.” The kindness and passion in his eyes could sway any being.

Giorno’s steel cut resolve soaked into his very core and his surroundings, his office meticulously decorated with tasteful furniture, a cohesive but still inviting nook. It reflected the impression you had of him, welcoming and polite but sure to be careful of his ruthless edge. Perhaps it was a skill you had both inherited from your father, observant eyes that saw everything, even beyond the physical bounds, the very core of others.

As you sat and waited for his colleague to return with drinks you engaged in some small talk, not really sure what the other liked just yet to divulge in further. The air seemed to have thinned, a calmer energy now flowing, a natural one as Giorno’s intent blue stare clung to every little thing you said. A certain proudness in his demeanour when you told him about how good you’d been doing in university and the friends you’d found along the way. His heart could burst at how beautifully mundane your life has been, glad to know you weren’t involved in any risky business that he knew of.

Your eyes landed on the scenery behind him when the conversation reached a lull, a tall bookcase filled to the brim with books reaching all the way to the ceiling, the light wood decorated with beautiful plant like reliefs. Curiously you scanned the spines of the carefully sorted books: Nietzsche, Plato, Descartes, Sartre and even Susan Sontag made her way on the shelves. The wide array varying between philosophy, classic literature, art, mythology and on the bottom row- having to lean forward a little to properly see- revealing a small fiction section.

You quirked an eyebrow at your childhood favourite. “You’ve read The Chronicles of Narnia?!” Your sudden outburst of wonderment infected Giorno, a soft smile gracing his features as he remembered reading them, he wasn’t only a wannabe gangster in his early teens, he loved to read as well.

“Yes I did-” Pausing as he turned to the shelves, fondly giving them a once over before returning his bright eyes to you. “There’s more fiction books, but I try and display the literature more. Can’t have my guests knowing I love Roald Dahl and C.S. Lewis just yet! I have an image to uphold.” He jested, but there was a truth behind his words, knowing he can’t let many others get to know the real Giorno, lest they use it against him. Your smile only grew bigger, chuckling at his banter. For a moment there it felt like you’d known each other far longer, that invisible connection tethering your hearts together.

“I love those books. It kinda feels like home, you know?” You added, smiling down at your hands, the warm ache of nostalgia tugging at your heart. “It does, doesn’t it. A better one perhaps.” Giorno answered in a compassionate tone, knowing just how difficult it must have been to grow up, without even knowing too many details of each others’ upbringings.

Feeling the mood dampen a little but glad your brother shared the sentiment, wracking your mind for a new lighter topic to discuss. Remembering the latest book you’d read for a university class snapped your head up again.

“You’ve read a lot of philosophy-“ You pointed at the multiple rows of authors and great thinkers. “They’re very interesting and all but, have you heard of my recent favourite; Diogenes?” You barely contained your laughter at the strange anecdotes you’d read about the cynic philosopher. Giorno raised a brow, curious to see where this little giggle fit was going. “That guy? Oh yes I have.”

“Did you know he pissed on people that insulted him? What an absolute genius!” You raised your voice and fell into laughter, the joyous sounds escaping Giorno as well, for a moment forgetting all that troubled his mind. “Maybe I should give that tactic a try at meetings.” He pondered, somehow the change in his expression made you believe that he was serious for a second.

“Man is the most intelligent of the animals - and the most silly.” Giorno quoted, the laughter slowly subsiding and that warm feeling of acceptance taking over. You were only looking to getting to know your brother more, gladly offering him a taste of normality in his turbulent life which he greatly appreciated. “Most definitely!” You beamed, feeling relieved at his wit and growing familiarity.

The afternoon flew by, chatting more about the wide array of books, sharing little tidbits and funny stories. Both still not divulging too much about the past or your parents, it would only sour the mood. At the rate you two got along, this definitely wouldn’t be the only meeting you’d have together.

The future looked a little brighter, an airy feeling of solace settling into Don Giovanna’s office, an atmosphere he won’t forget you brought in.  

[frumfrumfroo]

What are your favorite movies and TV shows outside of SW? I’m looking for new things to watch since SW was so disappointing

My tastes are pretty eclectic, so I will stick to just things that are either similar to sw or are in the reylo-esque romance wheelhouse and have happy endings:

Chuck. It is a goofy, light-hearted action-adventure show with extremely endearing characters and a very prominent central romance (seriously, heavy romance and there is a lot of payoff for it, you will be FED- it's kind of slow burn but also shockingly NOT slow burn, they are deep into it pretty much immediately). The main couple is the classic Stoic Badass gradually softened by an innocent they have to protect who is a liability in battle but full of the Power of Heart. Chuck is The Heart btw. He is of that vanishingly rare male Beauty (of B&tB) type. He's incredibly generous and open, Sarah is prickly and closed-off. It is Quality. Very much a gender-swap of your typical cliche anime couple lol. I would recommend stopping at the mid-season finale in season 4, because it's downhill from there. The beginning of season 3 is very rough, but it's definitely worth it to stay for the back half, imo. There are several great endings to choose from before things go to shit, so we don't need to talk about the finale. Probably the most tonally similar to SW thing possible without being high/space fantasy. More humour, more silly, but definitely has a spiritual kinship. Has the best THE BEST 'secret revealed' scenes I have ever seen in anything. If you're into that and were hoping for that in ep IX, you need to watch Chuck.

The Shop Around the Corner. 1940 romance/drama film. You've Got Mail is a remake of it. Jimmy Stewart being profoundly adorable, Frank Morgan (aka the Wizard of Oz), various amusing side characters, and an absolutely deathless double blind 'secretly in love with the workplace nemesis' plot that can and probably has been a great reylo AU.

Mirromask. Fantasy/coming-of-age film. Touted as a 'spiritual successor' to Labyrinth by the filmmakers (one of whom is Neil Gaiman) and let me tell you, that is extremely apt. Beautiful, magical, laden with symbolism and Mask Discourse, and has a great ship. I quote it regularly.

Speaking of which, I'm sure you've seen Labyrinth? If you haven't seen Labyrinth, drop everything and watch Labyrinth.

Legend (the Ridley Scott director's cut, not the theatrical cut). Sumptuous fairy tale, runs on proper fairy tale logic, stunning to look at and overall captivating. Tim Curry. Tim Curry as a lonely tragic lord of darkness who tries to seduce the heroine and has drippingly overwrought monologues.

Howl's Moving Castle. Fairy tale adventure/romance film. Beautifully animated, has the ending you want.

The Silence of the Lambs. Thriller/drama film. Actual masterpiece. Use it as a gateway drug to read the books and rejoice that Clannibal is canon and it is spectacular. Just SotL and Hannibal, you don't need to read the other two. Stan Clarice Starling and revel in that ending. Most triumphant 'villain'/heroine ship of all time (he is not technically a villain but for shorthand's sake).

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen. Terry Gilliam 1988 fantasy/adventure film. THE TRIUMPH OF IDEALISM OVER CYNICS I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW HEALING IT WAS TO WATCH AFTER THE TROS BULLSHIT HIT. Jonathan Pryce's spiritual villain is basically Chris Terrio and it is cathartic to see imagination and sentiment conquer him.

Sabrina. 1995 romance film. Modern fairy tale with Harrison Ford. Rejecting what you thought you wanted all your life for the thing you actually need, growing up but still believing in magic, beautiful character development across all the leads. Could be (and is irrc) a fantastic reylo AU.

The Scarlet Pimpernel. 1934 adventure film. High romance, secret identities, play-acting, people who aren't at all what they appear to be, falling in love with your own spouse, Big Heroism, guile and wit and audacity. It makes me do little kicks like a happy baby. This is one of the 3-5 films constantly tied for my favourite film of all time. There is a good quality rip free on youtube. Watch it and fall in love with Leslie Howard (this is possibly my favourite acting performance of all time).

Oh, related note. Pygmalion 1938 or My Fair Lady. (The musical is based on this film and borrows from it heavily, including its much more romantic ending compared to the original play.)

The Mummy. 1999 action/adventure/romance film. Very tonally similar to sw. A fucking great time, A+ characters.

EVER AFTER. 1998 romance film. The flawless and perfect and best ever Cinderella adaptation. This is the most satisfying film in history, maybe, the ending is so good it is amazing it exists. Also, it has Richard O'Brien being slimy. Huge selling point. Grapples with identity and stewardship, is brilliant.

Fruits Basket. drama/romance anime. I haven't watched the new version yet, but it's following the manga so I know the story. The original anime didn't do the whole plot (because they caught up with the source material) but it's wonderful and I still recommend it. The central ship is (spoiler.........) a B&tB type where we eventually discover the main love interest both feels like a figurative monster and turns into a literal monster. He has an incredible speech about his relationship with people's fear, it makes me weep. I called the endgame from the first episode and always thought it was obvious, but there is a red herring love triangle dynamic. It's really not annoying, though, because it is a red herring. (I hate love triangles)

I am Dragon. Russian monster romance film. Beautiful, simple fable with a really great heroine.

Jane Eyre. 1943 Gothic Romance film. It's Jane Eyre, byronic hero x sensible heroine love story with much atmosphere and Gothic drama. I stan this version because I am an Orson Welles fangirl and I'm also not convinced it can be improved upon. Elizabeth Taylor's film debut btw.

Hellboy. 2004 action/adventure/romance film. Defying destiny, reconciling identity, monster romance. The complete package and a great time. Tonally similar to SW and probably thematically closest to it out of this whole list. Don't watch the sequel.

Beauty and the Beast 1987 tv series. Exactly what it says on the tin. Deals with the classic B&tB themes, but in a different way. He's not cursed and will never transform into an ordinary man. The first season is very episodic and 'case of the week', but the second season gets more into character drama. It's dated, but if you give it a chance you can get past some of the cheese factor and it's really a unique experience. Its concerns are SO atypical that it feels like something fandom would make rather than a mainstream network show. It was so massively, insanely popular with women at the time that a record of Vincent (the beast) reading poetry topped the album charts. Also Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton. Stop at season two. Point of interest: George RR Martin wrote for this show.

Stargate (the movie not the series) sci-fi fantasy about a nerdy guy who accidentally a hero.

Possession. 2009... mystery/supernatural/romance. Okay. This is a whole thing. Lee Pace and Sarah Michelle Gellar. It's based on a Korean film I've never been able to find for some reason, but being Hollywood they ruined the romanticism and nuance of the original in the theatrical cut to make a shitty punative ending. However. If you buy it on dvd and go to the alternate ending (which follows the original story) with around 20 minutes left (scene after Lee Pace's character wakes from a bad dream-go to deleted scenes and select the alternate ending), you will get a very, very interesting character study/thriller/redemption about sincerity within deception, compassion, and a major question about second chances with a positive answer. It's kind of dark and kind of astonishingly idealistic at the same time. The heroine makes a very powerful choice, twice over. It's fascinating. If you're into the conflicted and uncertain period in reylo, the part where he is most ambiguous, and you wanted more of that and much darker shades to it, you might be really into this. Also, it should be noted, there is a MASSIVE height difference and they show it off. The film is flawed (and the seams show on the Hollywood rewrite) but idk, it's fascinating. Shocking to me that they even got to shoot the original ending. It is pretty balls to the wall with its themes on forgiveness.

I would recommend getting into kdramas because there is a wealth of female-gaze tropey amazing content, but always check the ending before getting invested. My all-time fave is the 1st Shop of Coffee Prince, but it's not sw related at all lmao. It has a happy ending with all the elements you'd want, but it's not satisfying in execution, so that's it's major flaw and I find that pretty common with kdramas. One that is maybe more relevant is My Love from Another Star, which has a hero who is a little bit like Ben in personality. The heroine isn't my favourite, though. It does have a decent ending.

Oh yeah- brain fart. Kurosawa films and classic westerns were both very influential on SW. Or you can combine both and watch The Magnificent Seven.

[edwardjamescoplin]

Plot Wishlist

This is an old list of plots I wanted to do but never got around to. I’ve described them in m/f, f/f pairings but am open to nonbinary characters as well! 

Disclaimer: I personally have never written a nonbinary character and don’t want to disrespect anyone without properly researching when doing so, but will be more than happy if you’d prefer to play one! 

If you’re up for playing one of them out, simply send me a message or like this and I’ll come to you! I’m more than excited to write with you!

Discord: edwardcoplin#7261

A plot with a woodworker -  maybe a lady was sent to look over this guy because he was running the business himself and he has a business deal with a company where he isn’t meeting deadlines. They send her in to push him to complete the agreed upon orders and she discovers he’s not doing too well mentally/emotionally. She has to straighten him out and in order to keep the deal going he has to obey her. This of course leads to silly arguments and they don’t get on well. He feels that she ruins all the fun because she walks in when he’s goofing off with friends and picks fights with him, so he blames her for his inability to finish the job. This could turn romantic or just be a petty partnership of showing each other up. 

Subject A started having seizures a month ago. Doctors have not given A any type of diagnosis and A is having to adjust to life rapidly changing. A can no longer attend school due to being a distraction as well as not being able to make it throughout a class without being in pain, feeling left out because he/she is not at the same place as the rest of his/her peers with classwork, and of course the seizures are ‘distracting’. Over the span of a month the entire school has blocked A out, slowly halting with newsletters to events and games, rallies, etc. Subject B has had seizures for over two years and has been out of school for a year. He/she was never given a diagnosis and still continues to go to doctors in hopes of finding out something new. A and B meet in the waiting room at one of their therapist appointments, not knowing the other shares a similar experience. They are just two normal people. They talk and bond over common interests but neither tells the other of the crippling effects of their seizures. A and B split and go to their sessions and then leave noting to swap numbers. Over the next six months they trade texts, emails, late night half asleep phone calls, and weekly meet ups at their therapy appointments. The can share their favorite books and movies, old games, etc.. They tell their parents about each other and their parents stay in contact with the belief this connection is healthy for the two of them. A and B have to plan ahead for anything they want to do outside of their appointments. They go to the mall, spend time at each others place, and of course they both find out about the others condition. They don’t use that to bond though. They focus on who they were before the seizure started and who they are now. They try to make the best of things through health scares. Both A and B spend endless amounts of time molding their friendship and doing the things they feel comfortable doing. They don’t push each other, but they kind of protect each other and offer an understanding.                                                     This is just a rough draft idea. I definitely want to develop this more and figure out the exact details of doing it. This is somewhat of a personal experience and I like the idea of normalizing different health conditions. 

Two girls that are best friends and they don’t necessarily click in the way that they wanna fuck and shove each other into doors trying to get the other out of their clothes, it’s more of a co-dependency relationship/friendship. They aren’t dating, but they both get jealous when the other is in a relationship with somebody else. They’re both popular in school/their own crowds (college based), and maybe one of them is head cheerleader for the college/university and the other is a huge science nerd. But they grew up together and they’d never let the differences between cliques come between their friendship. At least they try not to. I want there to be late nights where one is running over to the others house/dorm, even though they should be sleeping, because she needs somebody to hold her while she sleeps. And I want there to be fights and melodramatic little quips. Maybe the nerdy one has a bigger mouth than the cheerleader. I want there to be screwed up make out sessions and then they just pretend like it never happened. It’s nothing more than a friendship. They do everything together. One of them is focused on moral rights and the other is focused on just having a good time, but they have long talks and lose sleep trying to put the pieces together in life and they make dumb plans and just everything is focused on them and growing and learning and finding out who they are and what their friendship really is. I want the craziness of it all. {this plot would most likely include smut, so please 18+ only}

A girl is a serial killer and her parents put her into a mental institute, and the workers at said place are really violent/cruel. They torture her physically and use electric shock/other methods to try and fix her and stuff. Pretty much they do it so much that she’s mentally trapped in a coma state. So, while in this coma, she dreams and makes up this whole other world. She meets a boy/girl and they get on well and basically it can either go in the direction of him/her being a serial killer and they’re killing people or she creates this whole world where they’re just normal people and she imagines him/her up. Another turn it could take, twist here, the boy/girl is actually a serial killer and the people at the institute tortured him/her and killed him/her several years back and now he’s/she’s in her dreams and it’s just really fucked up ok.

Two kids who grew up together and were very close/or maybe not even friends but they’ve met up ten years later and one is like rich and famous and the other runs a library and somehow in business deals they get paired together and have to travel to a place neither is familiar with. They work together to navigate through the entire thing and kind of get to know each other. They could like each other or hate each other, doesn’t matter.

two people, both from different religious views. They’re pushed together for some reason. one of them is really big into Christianity but the other is atheist and the religious one falls for the other and the entire time that person is pushing them away because they don’t believe in love or anything and this related to the song angel with a shot gun, give up religion for em all that jazz.

“I was once told I like people because I enjoy trying to fix them. I’ve learned, now, that there is no way to fix people, and you should not try to fill yourself in between the cracks of their uprooted scars. Upon being told this, I began to see things differently. I watched myself from the outside, captivated by the way I would fall in love with the trivial flaws and misconceptions in a person’s everyday life. I watched as they would walk across the street, dressed for work and bound for disaster at the swallowing of a coffee all too hot, and I would fall into a transitional relation with them. I found home between the curves of their words. They were like silk in my mind. I would find companionship in the alternate spirals of their every step. Their thoughts were like ink to me. I could write down every single one of them. Their tears were like drops of rain filled with the temptations of curiosity in the form of stories. Every single detail became an art piece for me.”                                                                        I wrote this a while back and I really want to create something off of it. Maybe like a m/f goes to the same cafe every day with his/her journal and they write stories about the people they see and like fall in love with people all the time just by watching them.

"Fingertips leave the soft tinted stain of your body against mine. They wrap in rafting waves over the hills of my spine."                                          I would also love to make a plot off of this little bit I wrote a while back.

two angels are paired together by god to walk the earth and do jobs, but then they get in trouble and lose the powers/advantages they had. They get trapped on this universal plane and have to work among mundanes to figure out how to get back to safety. (honestly this is similar to the show Lucifer now that I look back on it)

a cynical lawyer works for a psychotic model

a hunting trip turns into a fight for life with no connection to anyone outside of the woods

"you’re not supposed to look back, you’re supposed to keep going." Maybe something that isn’t necessarily dealing with running away but overcoming some sort of obstacle. I don’t know.

{f} is a dancer, always has been. She’s been in love with it since she was little. She’s never taken a class, just taught herself the choreography to dances. She choreographs her own moves and teaches a hip hop class down in town. {m} has been to dance school, worked all of his life to do whatever his mother wished upon him. He’s dealt with riches and galore, promised to marry a girl from his class, but recently decided to go in other directions. He dreads dancing, however, he’s been sent to teach one class recently. Since joining said class he’s met {f}, who has undeniably brought out the joy in his dance. She pushes him to go after the things he actually wants in life, so long he promises to remain as head in the one class at the studio they both work at. He doesn’t know what to do apart from follow what she says. Something about her makes him see the beauty in the things he hates.

“I would anger angels for you.” — SIX WORDS (2/3/14)                               a plot based off of this, or to use it as a quote for a character

[thesinglesjukebox]

FULL TAC FT. LIL MARIKO - WHERE'S MY JUUL??

[6.11]

Do we choose rule, or do we choose suck?

Alex Clifton: Juuls. Juuls. Juuls. Oh my god, Juuls. [7]

Katie Gill: It's a little bit telling how all the comments on the YouTube video are comparing this song to other meme songs and not talking about the merits of the song itself. Still, there will always be a place in the world for meme songs that are serviceable memes but less than serviceable songs that teenagers can obnoxiously quote on the bus. "Where's My Juul" fits that niche perfectly. I expect a fleet of TikToks featuring people lip-syncing to this and will be very disappointed when this inevitably doesn't happen because I am out of touch with the youth. [6]

Kalani Leblanc: I can see there's already an abundance of blurbs submitted for this song, and the number will have risen by the time I finish this. After thinking so hard about how to go about being the fifteenth person to say "It sounds like "Shoes"," I'm realizing it's not really "Shoes" anyway. While they're both jokes that bear a resemblance in the thrash of a breakdown, "Where's My Juul??" is also listenable. The comparison is getting tired because it's like did anyone listen to "Shoes"? As a song? In earnest??? While this is not an entirely impressive piece, no concerto or FKA Twigs production, it's enough. Since 2006, we've been making everything into jokes, so it makes perfect sense. Nicotine-induced freakouts would've been the subject of an after school special ten years ago, but now they're joke material for hypebeasts and others on Twitter. Lil Mariko makes an impressive case while trying to find her Juul; I can't find anything this song did wrong, sorry. [8]

Will Adams: The mid-song 0-to-11 ramp is what takes this past the mean-spiritedness of "#Selfie" and the meme-spiritedness of "Phone" into effortless "Shoes"/"Let Me Borrow That Top" absurdity. The Juul is a placeholder; sub in any other monosyllabic cultural artifact, and Lil Mariko's rage against Full Tac's electroclash-y beat would cut through just as effectively. "Sorry, guys!" she says at the end, except there's nothing to apologize for. [7]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: I wrote 20 pages about Juul culture in 2018 so I should in theory be the exact target audience for this. Yet "Where's My Juul??" doesn't really click for me. It's charming and funny in parts (Lil Mariko's spoken verses, which transmit nervy anxiety and barely restrained fury effectively) but the hook, which takes up most of the very long minute-forty-five, is comedy via brute force principles: repeat a phrase enough and it will transfigure into a joke. [5]

Brad Shoup: About as funny as the related TikTok meme, though not as menacing, surprisingly. I wish so badly that Full Tac had gone full hardcore -- or even brostep! -- but am glad that Lil Mariko's Danny Brownian ad-libs and sudden reversals grind "#SELFIE" into the dirt. [7]

Oliver Maier: I need not catalogue the myriad ways in which this is transparently designed to blast off on TikTok -- you would probably know better than me -- but that cynicism detracts from "Where's My Juul??" for me. There's none of the spontaneity or sense of genuine fun that animates certain other genre-agnostic, threat-spewing, extremely online weirdo duos, more savvy than it is genuinely silly. It's not badly executed, but I felt like I got the picture before even hitting play. [4]

Will Rivitz: I get this is supposed to be more meme than song, but I so wish it had leaned into the latter for more than half its runtime. The "FUCK!!!" at the beginning of its second chorus is worth at least a [7] on its own, and its redlining nu-metal production is such a tight fusion of XXXTENTACION's sonic fingerprint and simplified TikTok trap that I'm surprised the "oh my God" ad-libs aren't followed by a "Ronny." As it stands, "Where's My Juul??" and its just-a-little-too-long interludes that grate after listen number four or so functions as a sort of "Thrift Shop" for the current day, a track defined by its novelty that we as an Internet music-Twitter hivemind all agree was genuinely good about five years after it's exited the public consciousness. It deserves more. [8]

Ian Mathers: Both less musically compelling and with less of a point than "Can I Get a Box?". [5]

Katherine St Asaph: It's kind of amazing how it took seven years for Rebecca Martinson to release her debut. [1]

Nortey Dowuona: Lil Mariko is actually kinda weird in the lol so random funny way that people think that [insert overrated white comic who had a Comedy Central show] is and has a really great metal screaming voice. I don't know who made this dull approximation of Kenny Beats and Pi'erre Bourne, nor do I care. Lil Mariko will hopefully get a recurring cameo role on Nora From Queens and get her own show from that. [5]

Mo Kim: The best joke here is the escalation of nonchalance (hey, where's my Juul?) into something desperate, and therefore dangerous: it hits like the drop in a rollercoaster when Lil Mariko finally breaks out the deep-throated metal screams, but the moment wouldn't have half the thrill without the masterful way she gradually ups the heat on the song's first chorus before that. Both of her spoken monologues, where she merges Valley Girl affect with murderous menace, only sweeten the deal. [8]

Ryo Miyauchi: "Where's My Juul??" gets spiked with an infectious dose of adrenaline when it suddenly turns a lot more aggro than you'd expect from a meme-y cross-section of Rico Nasty's mosh-pop and PC Music's ironic bubblegum. The demented beat stings with a pungent metallic sourness, and while her Valley Girl accent scans as an obvious put-on, Lil Mariko's blood-curdling scream is legitimately hair-raising. The song rapidly combusts, ensuring the joke doesn't overstay its welcome. [7]

Joshua Lu: Yes, hearing the unassuming Lil Mariko scream and snarl over a missing Juul is intrinsically funny, especially accompanied by a music video that knows exactly how to push the limits of its concept. But the real strength of "Where's My Juul??" lies in its sheer relatability. The title could be anything -- where's my wallet, my phone, my eraser -- because anyone who has ever misplaced anything can relate to the escalating panic and rage in not only the cataclysmic vocals, but also Full Tac's discordant production. Also crucial to the song is its sense of plot, as it steadily progresses from confusion to blame to outright violence. The ending, though predictable (Lizzo used the exact same twist not that long ago), is a necessary denouement, as it provides the moment where everyone involved can look back on the last minute and a half of chaos and laugh. [8]

Iain Mew: As a song structure trick, I love the fake-out final verse, those ones that seem like something slowly developing before the artist brutally cuts it off for the chorus or instrumental to come back stronger than ever; the "Don't Speak" and "Your Best American Girl" kind of thing. The key moment of "Where's My Juul??" comes in taking that same trick to a ludicrous, brilliant extreme. It has a drawn-out, jittery verse, a cartoon scowl of a chorus, and then one question into verse two it veers straight into swearing, screaming and fucking everything up. That's perfect enough that it would ideally be even shorter than it ends up. [7]

Kylo Nocom: Full Tac and Lil Mariko do in less than two minutes what took Justice five. The gimmick is the least fun part, and judging by my sample size of BigKlit's "Liar" and Full Tac's very own "CHOP" the producers behind this might not even be as funny as this video would imply. But I've long settled with music that's good on the merits of just being fun; when the production here is layered with discordant guitar sampling, analog drum kits, and distant screams of "piss!" and "fuck," I'm willing to buy into the ugliness. [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: Full Tac returns with another take on "Liar," succeeding because the goofy conceit here finds an appropriately goofy (that is, unexpected) vocal performance. Part of the appeal is how "Where's My Juul??" could sit comfortably alongside songs from Rico Nasty and Rina Sawayama, but has the appeal of shoddy viral videos from yesteryear. It's that "Kombucha Girl"-type reaction it's striving to elicit, and it accomplishes that as soon as the screaming starts. The best detail, though, is the most subtle: the moment Lil Mariko stops herself from saying "who" and politely asks "have you seen it?" [7]

Michael Hong: Have you ever been dragged to a party only for your only friend to disappear, leaving you to mingle with a group of people you don't know? And one person makes a comment so absurd that you just giggle along with the rest of the group even though you're not really sure if they're layering their statement with even a hint of irony or if there's something much more unsettling lurking underneath? But the jokes are getting more and more uncomfortable and suddenly fewer people are laughing along, instead furtively glancing across each other with an exasperated look as if to say "is this person for real?" And instead of backing away, that person instead starts doubling down, getting more and more aggressive, screaming across the room for what feels like hours and surely people must be ready to head out. Instead, when you finally catch a moment to glance down at your phone, you find that only two minutes have elapsed since you arrived and you realize that not even a quarter of the time has passed before your ride will come and you can leave this godforsaken party. You have absolutely no choice but to continue standing in the group in discomfort, waiting for this moment that feels like an eternity to finally finish, with the only background noise being the stereos blaring what sounds like someone's first attempt at using GarageBand. [0]

Crystal Leww: While I was digging through "likes" on SoundCloud, I noticed that a friend of mine had liked "Baby Let Me Know" by Full Tac, which sounds like the synth heavy dreamy pop that was popular at the beginning of last decade. I did not stick around for "Where's My Juul??" so imagine my surprise today when I turned this on and it's umm, screaming. A consistent genre as an essential part of an up-and-coming artist's brand is less essential than ever, especially in an age where (waves hands) dance music has eaten itself alive in its swirling storm of troll energy. Chaos in and of itself is a brand -- from 100 gecs to Alice Longyu Gao's dueling sister tracks "Rich Bitch Juice"/"Dumb Bitch Juice" to any DJ Bus Replacement Service set, it has fully infiltrated dance music. How this goes from sweetly threatening to full-on psychotic and back to cutely apologetic is chaotic so yes, I think Full Tac could make some noise (both in creating a fanbase and also like literally) with this. [8]

[Read and comment on The Singles Jukebox]

[hollyplays]

The Roundup: June 2018

Look, I’m as shocked as you are. I had no idea that last month when I set up a recurring feature, I’d actually be able to stick to it. It turns out that once a month is way more feasible for me than once a week (like Bargain Bin or Album of the Week, god rest their souls). Maybe I’ll try for every two weeks with some different features.

           It’s been a really hard few weeks. Not for me necessarily, but for the world at large, shit sucks. Being constantly angry and vigilant is exhausting, but not being angry feels irresponsible. I want to write about the things I love for you all to read, but it all feels so unimportant in the face of this goddamn administration.

           So, to keep both of us balanced, with every entry on the Roundup this month I’ll include One (1) horrifying fact about the world today, and One (1) extremely good fact about the world today. Hope you enjoy.

Hausu: I thought I knew the basic premise of this movie (a realistic fantasy about the atomic bomb) and I was extremely, extremely wrong. Part of me wished someone had told me just how weird and silly and somber this movie was going to be, but I’m honestly glad I didn’t know. I won’t spoil too much of it for you, but suffice to say this is NOT a realistic fantasy in any way. Almost nothing about this movie is realistic. A man gets turned into bananas, for christ’s sake.

Mitch McConnell stole a Supreme Court seat, and it seems unlikely that the Democratic party will attempt to steal Kennedy’s back.

Otters hold hands while they sleep so they don’t drift apart.

Splatoon 2’s Octo Expansion: I loved Splatoon 2’s main story, so I was very much looking forward to this. The entire aesthetic of it is slick and charming as hell- I love the idea of exploring a rundown subway line and uncovering different weird sea creatures, but the actual missions were hit and miss for me. It was a toss-up each mission if you were going to get “inventive level design” or “difficulty for difficulty’s sake”. The 8 Ball levels were absolutely fantastic, and just the right level of challenging, but every single ‘ride the rails’ level was hell. It’s hard to be mad about 80+ levels for 20 bucks, plus a new character model, but I felt like the Splatoon team vastly overestimated the skill level of most of their players. I skipped the majority of the latter half of the expansion, and it feels super frustrating to not be able to play the game I bought.

There are currently state-sponsored concentration camps all throughout the southern U.S.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a young socialist, just ousted the chair of the Democratic Caucus.

Incredibles 2: The Incredibles is my favorite Disney movie, bar none, so I had pretty high hopes for The Incredibles 2. I’m not sure it reached them, but that has more to do with me than the movie itself. I digress; this movie kicked ass. The animation was gorgeous and beautiful, and the philosophy behind it was a huge step up from the accidentally-objectivist plot of the first one. The focus on Elastigirl was much appreciated this round, and actually seeing Bob struggling with fatherhood was really enjoyable. This is an excellent follow-up to The Incredibles, and one of my favorite Pixar movies to date.

There are currently two living white rhinos, both in captivity.

Science has proven your cat genuinely loves you.

Black Bolt: I really, really loved Saladin Ahmed’s 12 issue Black Bolt run. Christian Ward’s art is as vibrant and beautiful here as it is in ODY-C, and that space-opera feeling serves the Inhumans so, so well. Black Bolt is a really interesting character, and I feel like Ahmed and Ward did him justice. I was a little bummed when the art style switched over during issue 7 and Frazier Irving took over- not because I missed Ward, but because the almost impressionistic style of Irving was really beautiful and fit the story’s shift in setting, but didn’t stick around for the rest of the run. I also thought the ending was a little rushed- I enjoyed it still, but I would have liked a few more issues to pad out Black Bolt and Blinky’s story. I know this is comic books, so it probably continues in some other series, but still.

If Trump gets the second supreme court seat, he can make gay marriage illegal again.

Cows are known to have best friends.

Jabberwocky: I really wanted to like this movie. I love almost every Monty Python production (lookin at you, Meaning of Life), and the concept seemed like a knockout. Unfortunately, the end result is just…boring. There’s very few jokes, and even fewer worth laughing at. I think I only genuinely laughed once, during a scene with a catapult and a murderous religious fanatic. I had really high hopes for Jabberwocky, and it’s hard to imagine more ways it could have been disappointing.

They’re going to keep making Jurassic World movies.

There’s a video of Kermit The Frog singing Talking Heads’ Same As It Ever Was

The Vision: I’ve read Tom King and Gabriel Hernandez’ The Vision three times now, and I never love it less. It’s genuinely imepeccable. It’s one of the only superhero comics I’ve read that feels like literature. It’s about synthezoids and Ultron and Victor Mancha and a bright green dog and it feels like fucking Shakespeare. I love it so, so much, and I keep coming back to it. Also Viv Vision is the greatest character in anything ever and I love her so much.

We’ll never get to see Edgar Wright’s Ant-Man.

By all reviews, Ant Man & The Wasp is a much better movie than Ant Man.

Mamma Mia: This is a cheerful fuckin movie. This is the kind of movie we need right now. Just great acting, silly writing, and ABBA. I’ve been listening to Mamma Mia and Super Trouper on repeat since I saw it. There’s some genuine tearjerker stuff here, naturally, but by and large this movie is fucking saccharine. Can’t recommend it enough.

Children as young as three are being separated at the border and forced to represent themselves at deportation hearings.

Mamma Mia 2 exists, and will be in theaters shortly.

Dr. Strangelove: This is another movie I wanted to like more than I did, but I certainly liked it more than Jabberwocky. I didn’t really appreciate this movie until after I saw it because I didn’t even realize Peter Sellers is 3 different characters! I genuinely had no idea. Dr. Strangelove is interesting mostly because of how it well it balances its cynicism with its laugh-out-loud moments. There are bits in this movie I’m still quoting, and that’s as good an endorsement as any.

Its entirely possible that Roe v. Wade will be overturned.

Modders are hard at work to make Zelda fully playable in Breath of the Wild.

[renwritesstuff]

bird's opening

A collaboration fic/art story with the lovely @fishbone76​

It started as just a friendly game of chess between the Normandy’s two resident geniuses. But then their significant others got involved and almost ruined it.

Also on AO3. Approximately 3,487 words.

Hand at her chin, Samantha Traynor studied the chess board in front of her. The glowing interface was looking a bit blurry around the edges, her mind swimming as she gave a few long blinks. Sam’s spot at the Skyllian Five table in the Port Observation Deck was surrounded by a collection of empty liquor bottles, her other hand gripping a half-consumed cocktail.

Her opponent purred from across the green-topped table. “Are you sweating, Specialist Traynor?” Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy drummed a pair of fingers impatiently.

“Not at all,” Sam retorted as she reached forward to nudge a pawn. “Just trying to decide if I want to win this in 10 moves… or 15 to give you a little boost of confidence.” Her smile was lazy and—admittedly—a bit drunk.

“Big talk,” the quarian slurred, her inflection a little lower than normal. “Considering you said this was ‘in the bag’ four moves ago. What does that even mean?”

Well, right now it actually means “drunk.”

“It’s just a silly idiom that—forget it. Your go, Admiral.”

There was a dull tapping sound on Sam’s right that she ignored with another sip of her drink.

Tali’s white eyes flicked over to the side before returning to the chess board. “Should we let them back in?”

“Absolutely not,” Samantha said with an emphatic shake of her head.

The quarian gave an apologetic shrug at the glass panels that made up the entrance to the small poker cubby of the recreation room.

A muffled “Oh come on!” could be heard from the other side of the glass.

Hovering there, faces pressed up against the locked doors, was Commander Jane Shepard and (General?) Garrus Vakarian. Also perched on Jane’s shoulder was her hamster, Lil’ Dude. All three looked positively pathetic standing around unable to enter.

Garrus scratched a digit against the glass again for another pleading tap. He lowered the rumble in his voice. “…come on… We’ll behave. It was just a little friendly wager between significant others.”

He nudged an elbow at Shepard, who nodded in agreement. “Sure. Yes. Friendly. We were just really excited over how friendly we all are.” She gritted her teeth in a grin. “…and how much you’re going to win, Sam!” Her palm slapped drunkenly on the wall in encouragement.

“Hey!” Garrus squawked back in outrage. A heated argument started (continued, rather) just on the other side of the glass.

“I was so close, Shepard! Then you had to open your big, fleshy mouth!”

No you weren’t even close, Garrus.

“You’re the one who got us kicked out in the first place! Because, and I quote, ‘Tali is gonna wipe the floor with that squishy Comms nerd.’”

“Well she is! All humans are squishy! …except you, of course.”

…I mean, he’s not wrong but it still hurts…

“Is not! Did you see Samantha at that Kepesh Yakshi tournament? No! You were dicking around in the arena. She was incredible!” Shepard gushed as she waved a threatening fist at Garrus.

Oh, thank you, darling. I knew I kept you around for a reason, Sam inwardly smirked as she sipped her drink.

The two chess players shot each other a withering look and rolled their eyes in sync.

…Earlier that same day…

Samantha had laid a kiss on Jane’s cheek as she finished zipping up her uniform. “Don’t wait up, Shepard.”

Shepard looked up from where she was playing with her hamster on her desk. “Unh? Where are you off to?” Lil’ Dude sniffed the air in Sam’s direction with a curious head-tilt.

“Oh, just a little chess game,” Sam said airily. She waved the holo disc in her hand for good measure.

“You’re cheating on me?” Jane asked, eyebrows arching and lips pursing in mock-offense.

Sighing, Sam dropped her shoulders. “There’s no tactful way to say this but: you’re rubbish at chess. A quick learner? Absolutely. But still rubbish.” Waving the holo disc again, Sam gave Shepard a reproachful stare. “I just wanted to have a few drinks and play a few rounds with an opponent who promised a challenge. Your pawns can resume toiling under my regime tomorrow, darling.”

The hamster in Shepard’s hands gave a few squeaks. Jane nodded. “I agree, buddy. That still counts as cheating. …Who is he? Or she? Or they?”

“She,” Samantha confirmed, “…is a fellow brilliant tactician in need of some girl talk. And to cut loose a little. She spends way too much time in the drive core.”

Donnelly and Daniels are starting to think she lives in there.

“Ohhhh,” Shepard intoned with a nod. “Tali. Well, don’t get hammered or anything. She’s gotta liaise with the quarian fleet in the morning. And she really can’t hold her liquor.” She kissed Sam’s cheek back and returned to her hamster, who had resumed stuffing his cheeks with food pellets.

“I promise I’ll return the Admiral to you in one piece,” Sam promised as she strolled out of the cabin.

I can’t promise the same for her ego. Because I am going to destroy—

—whoa whoa whoaaaa. Calm down, Traynor.

Inhaling a few breaths through her nose, Sam centered herself as she tapped the call button for the elevator. The familiar tingle of excitement ran down Sam’s spine: the thrill of competition. Of battle. Of potential victory.

She met Tali in the Port Observation Deck with a polite handshake. Sam took up behind the bar to make them some drinks, her mental catalogue of cocktails decently adaptable to dextro-compatible liquors.

Within a few minutes, she had assembled a dextro-equivalent drink to a Long Island Iced Tea for Tali and a Seaside Sunrise for herself.

“It feels like forever since I had a night off,” Tali remarked as she fumbled with inserting a straw through her mask port.

“I know the feeling,” Sam concurred. “Seems like it’ll just fall apart if you’re not there keeping an eye on things, hm?” She clinked her glass against Tali’s in polite toast.

“Oh Kee'lah, tell me about it. If it’s not the fleet, it’s all the fine-tuning the stealth drive needs to stay ahead of the Reaper suites. Or Garrus wanting…” Tali trailed off, her eyes dimming in what Samantha assumed was a blush.

“Oh, right,” Sam chimed in knowingly with a wicked smile. “You and Garrus. How is that going, by the way?”

A rumbling voice interrupted just behind them along with the sound of doors swishing open. “How's what going?” Garrus asked, his mandibles twitching in a grin. The turian was dressed casually for a change, a blue and gold-trimmed suit hugging the hard lines of his carapace.

“Nothing, you bosh'tet,” Tali quipped back amiably. “Don’t you have a big gun to calibrate?” She checked her Omni-tool before tilting her head sarcastically at Sam. “I mean, it’s probably been 30 seconds since it was last calibrated.”

Sam chuckled. “Possibly even 40. I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

Garrus scowled and crossed his arms. “You’re one to talk. You fuss over the drive core like you birthed it yourself.”

“We both have our favorite children,” Tali purred with a smirk. She clinked her glass against Sam’s once more.

The Comms Specialist breathed a mock-irritated sigh. “Please, please. You're both pretty.“ …Tali is prettier… “…By which I mean: pretty good at your jobs.”

Both aliens made scoffing-exhale noises at the same time.

Sam gestured over her shoulder to the empty room across from the Port Observation bar. A green-topped poker table took up most of the glass-enclosed space. She drummed her fingers on the chess holo disc in front of her at the counter. “Shall we, madam?”

“We shall!” Tali chirped back as she slid off the barstool and sauntered her way over to the table. She settled into one seat with Sam following close behind. Garrus remained at the bar, the lanky figure scratching a finger on his chin while he perused the collection of liquors.

The pair assembled at the table and logged in to the glowing interface, a familiar eight-by-eight grid populating with pieces.

“Do I need to give you a refresher on the rules?” Sam asked, her eyes twinkling in challenge.

“Please,” Tali said with an eye-roll. “This is a children’s game on the flotilla. Along with some number game that the volus play. I forget what it’s called.”

Hmph. “Children’s game.”

I will destroy you, Vas Normandy.

Studying the board layout, Sam sighed in pleasure at the cool familiarity of her favorite game. “What about Kepesh Yakshi?” She offered.

A sputtering noise through Tali’s straw followed a cynical squint of the woman’s eyes. “That holo game the asari are obsessed with? It must be nice to have so little to contribute to your people that you can play a game for a living.”

Nevermind. You have redeemed yourself. You’re all right, Tali'Zorah.

A deep laugh rumbled in Samantha’s belly as T'Suza’s defeated face flashed in her mind.

…T'Suza…

Sam nodded in agreement. “It’s an interesting game, I’ll give the asari that. But yes, some of us have little things like military service to do while saving the galaxy.”

“Hear hear,” Tali cheered with a slurp of her drink.

The game started off well enough. Tali was an aggressive opponent with surgical precision for picking off Sam’s pieces. It was exciting, actually. The quarian had a quick, adaptive mind and was keen on heading off some of Samantha’s best strategies while offering some interesting twists of her own.

Meanwhile, Garrus was rather useless milling around in the background. Apparently, he had taken the “you calibrate too much” jibe a little personally because the turian refused to leave the Port Observation Deck. He took up post at the bar for a little while, sampling liquors and making mixtures of his own until he found something he liked. Then he lounged at the low couch, absently thumbing through a datapad while throwing surreptitious glances over at Samantha and Tali while they played.

Eventually, the turian groaned in boredom and ambled up to look over their shoulders.

It was a tense final showdown. Tali had the better coverage but Sam had made an aggressive push into her territory with the white King on the run.

“Checkmate,” Sam announced with her last move. Ironically, a pair of black pawns managed to pin down the King in a corner.

The quarian swore a “bosh'tet” under her breath as she slapped a hand on the table. White eyes flicked up to Sam with a warm glow. She made a measuring motion with her thumb and forefinger. “I was this close. One more move and you would have been at my mercy.”

Chuckling, Sam attempted a sip of her drink but only ice rattled in the empty glass. “Oh I saw that. Well done, by the way. Really kept me on my toes. I took a huge gamble and lucked out, frankly.”

…I wish I was being kind. She very nearly kicked my arse.

“Did you lose?” Garrus rumbled next to Tali, his mandibles flaring.

The quarian’s head tilted in offense, her eyes narrowing to slits. “Yes! It happens!” She glanced over to Sam and jostled her own empty drink. “Shall we make this more interesting with the next game?”

Sam grinned back and stood up. “I like the way you think, Zorah.”

A game within a game was proposed. Mainly involving drinking (a lot of drinking). Garrus volunteered to bartend, though he gave his girlfriend a shoulder-rub along with a peptalk.

“We gotta show these levos who’s boss, Tali. The fate of turians and quarians everywhere hangs in the balance.”

“You mean, beyond the whole Reaper thing currently holding our fate in the balance?” The quarian’s voice trilled with dry sarcasm.

“Sure sure,” Garrus said with a dismissive hand-wave. “That’s really bad. But this! Tali! A chance to show the galaxy what we’re made of!” His grin was lazy under waggling eyebrow plates.

An explosive sigh before Tali’s voice vibrated with amusement. “I'm pretty sure we already did that. At the Citadel. Four years ago. And a year ago. At the Collector Base. And right now. …But sure, Garrus. This chess game will finally solve, once and for all, that dextros are the best.” She shot Sam a head-shake and a wink.

If I wasn’t already taken, I might be in love.

Sam took the time to direct message Jane regarding this development.

[ says: “I’m feeling left out. Tali has her own cheerleading squad while I just have a liquor cabinet. Care to join me and keep Garrus at bay, darling? Because apparently this is now the battle to end all battles between levo and dextro DNA species”]

There was no response. 45 seconds later, Commander Jane Shepard strolled through those swishing doors. She stood in the middle of the room, hands on her hips, hamster on her shoulder.

“Step off, Garrus. Samantha is gonna wipe the floor with Tali’s hood thing,” the woman announced as she made a finger-wiggling motion at Tali.

The turian barked with delight. “Sheparrrrrrd!”

Oh God. I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Trading shots for chess pieces wasn’t as great an idea as it seemed. Especially without any food in their bellies. Perhaps if it had been speed chess it wouldn’t have turned out so badly.

But it generally took Tali close to 30 seconds to “chug” her shot through her “emergency induction port.”

Still a straw, Tali.

Plus, Shepard and Garrus insisted on helping them select liquors for their shots in an effort to be supportive. A dangerous mixture of drinks were sloshing in their bellies ranging from bourbons to vodkas to an almost-ryncol that Garrus managed to stop before Sam puked her guts out.

“Are you trying to kill your girlfriend, Shepard?”

“What?! I would never!”

“Just because you can drink that krogan shit doesn’t mean anyone else can.”

Almost-poisoning aside, Sam was teetering dangerously in her seat and had to stave off a warm feeling in her belly with willpower alone. She made a terrible mistake about a third of the way into the match and struggled to correct it with pure aggression.

If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me.

The second game took close to an hour to resolve… and the winner ended up being Tali.

Fist-pumping the air, the quarian bounced out of her seat and did a flourishing dance to celebrate. “Yes! Evened the odds!” She stumbled slightly and made a drunken pointing motion at Sam. “I’m on to your tricks, Specialist. Clever round that time.”

The peanut gallery was also looking unsteady as well. Garrus and Shepard had taken to linking shoulders and whispering to each other about their girlfriends. They had become downright buddy-buddy… up until the game had ended.

“In your face, Shepard! Tali kicked Traynor's ass!”

“Lucky break! Sam won the first game!”

“Beginner’s luck! Tali just needed a chance to learn all her tells and then clean house!”

“That’s Skyllian Five, you jackass! There aren’t ‘tells’ in chess!”

The two actual players just exchanged sighs while their significant others bickered.

And bickered.

And bickered.

Finally, both women stood up and shouted in harmony. “Enough!”

Garrus and Jane shrank back. Even Lil’ Dude, who was just hanging out on the coffee table, flattened his ears and hid behind an empty glass.

Jabbing an accusing finger into Jane’s collarbone, Samantha growled at her girlfriend. “You’re both being ridiculous! This was supposed to be our evening to enjoy ourselves without the pressure of the galaxy on our shoulders! Any idea what that’s like, Shepard?!”

Tali headbutted Garrus’s chest with her hard mask before she shoved him backwards. “And you! Not everything needs to be some turian crest-measuring contest! If you want a fight, go wrestle with Shepard or Vega in the Shuttle Bay!”

It took some doing, but both women managed to hustle their crestfallen mates out of the poker table lounge area with a couple of well-placed pokes and shouts. Luckily, Garrus and Shepard were so stunned by the accusation that they were already outside the glass partition before they realized it had locked in front of them.

“EDI! Privacy lock! Maximum override!” Sam shouted at the ceiling.

[“I am pleased to assist.”]

Breathing heavily, both women exchanged looks with each other before they burst out laughing.

“Did you see Garrus’s face?”

Tali giggled and held her side. “Shepard looked like a kicked puppy, Traynor! How can you resist that sad face?” She cooed as she waved a finger at the glass.

“Oh believe me, she's well-versed in that.” Sam waved a dismissive hand. “The more she uses it, the less effective it is.”

Gesturing to the board, Samantha smiled warmly. “Shall we break this tie we’ve ended up in?”

“Absolutely,” Tali confirmed as she settled back into her seat.

“You’re the one who got us kicked out in the first place! Because, and I quote, 'Tali is gonna wipe the floor with that squishy Comms nerd.’”

“Well she is! All humans are squishy! …except you, of course.”

“Is not! Did you see Samantha at that Kepesh Yakshi tournament? No! You were dicking around in the arena. She was incredible!”

Rolling their eyes, Sam and Tali did their best to ignore the bickering outside the room.

“Thank you for agreeing to this match, Tali. In spite of…” Sam trailed off as she glanced over where Jane was shaking a fist at Garrus. “…in spite of our children fighting over us.”

Glowing eyes thinning to pleased slits, Tali nodded emphatically. “It was my pleasure! We should do this again sometime!” She shot a glance of her own at Garrus, who was pointing and growling at Lil’ Dude on Shepard’s shoulder. “…though, perhaps without our two biggest fans.”

“Hear hear,” Sam echoed as she clinked her glass against Tali’s on the table.

Exchanging a pair of moves, both women sighed contentedly in the peace and quiet.

Just outside, Jane and Garrus had reached a stalemate of glares.

Lil’ Dude was also in on the stare down, locking eyes with the turian with a scowling “Meep!”

“I hope you’re happy, Garrus,” Jane drawled out with a scowl. Though she looked over at Lil’ Dude and grumbled under her breath, “I can’t believe I’m locked out of my own ship.” Swiping over her Omni-tool, Shepard again tried her Commander credentials.

[“Access denied. Sod off, you pair of gits”] was the angry red message that appeared.

“Okay,” Garrus hummed back after running his hand over his crest in an agitated motion. “Let’s just relax and calm down… I’ll start… I’m sorry I called Traynor a 'helper monkey.’”

The Commander slapped at the turian’s shoulder. “Yea, what the hell, Garrus?”

“I'm sorry! Javik would say that and I thought it was a term of endearment! Like Vega calling Tali 'Sparks.’”

Sighing, Jane crossed her arms and mumbled an apology. “Okay, well, I’m sorry I said Tali couldn’t checkmate her way out of a paper bag. Tali is the best.”

The two begrudgingly shook hands before pressing back up against the glass.

“Can you tell what’s going on?” Garrus asked. “I’ll be honest: I don’t understand this game.”

“I’ve played it before and I don’t even understand what’s going on,” Jane admitted with a sigh.

“Keelah but you do have a talent for mixing drinks!” Tali exclaimed as she drained the last of her beverage through a straw. A rattling-sucking noise could be heard. “You missed your calling, Traynor.”

“Oh no,” Sam retorted with a headshake. “I already attempted this calling in university. I very much enjoyed the mixology part. Less so the 'customer service’ part.” She wrinkled her nose at the memory of too many rowdy drunks to count. “I created some excellent precision mixes back in the day, but so rarely did anyone want to recreate them down to the hundredth of a decimal place in fluid ounces.” Feigning a scowl, Sam tossed her hair theatrically. “Philistines.”

The quarian chuckled. “Don’t they understand that quality comes from calibrating exactly the right amoun—?” She froze and shook her head. “—Oh Keelah, I’m starting to sound like Garrus.” Her shoulders dropped fretfully.

Winking back, Sam nudged at the woman’s hand. “You are. But I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

Garrus’s muffled voice shouted through the glass. “What’s happening? Tali? Why are you looking so sad? Are you losing? Did you lose?”

Shepard pounded on the door with a slurred cheer. “Yea! Go Sam! Kick her ass! And not just because Garrus called you a 'helper monkey!’”

He said what?! He called me a what?!

That sonofabitch!

Eyes flicking back to Sam, Tali asked in a bored voice while feigning interest in the game. “Should we tell them it’s a draw?”

“Absolutely not,” Samantha replied. She guzzled down her drink before smacking her lips. “I’d rather enjoy the quiet for a few more minutes. Don’t you agree?”

“Hear hear, Traynor.”

[rollertoasteroflife]

These Things Are Fun Lets Give It a Go

Tagged by @katyaton heyyyyyyy!

RULES: answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions. (…yeah I don’t know that many people...)

tagging: @deaded123 @showmethestarlight and if anyone that follows me wants to please do but you two are the only ones that actually reply to these things and I can’t be arsed to go through all of my followers when no one does them anyway :D

1.      coke or pepsi: coke definitely

2.      disney or dreamworks:  oh god ummm i love disney cos that was my childhood but dreamworks have done some truly amazing films and they gave me how to train your dragon which i love far more than is probably normal...

3.      coffee or tea: *whispers* both definitely both...I drink so much coffee and tea and currently green tea I’m probably 70% hot beverage at this point

4.      books or movies: ah fuck. um I have to say finding a favourite book feels so much better than a favourite film but like I literally work in the film industry so I honestly love them too but yeah imma have to say books (that was really difficult D:)

5.      windows or mac: windows cos it’s what i know

6.      dc or marvel: um I’ve seen more marvel so I’ll say marvel but I’m not particular opinionated on the matter

7.      xbox or playstation: I am abysmal at playing games so again not really my question. however i have finally worked out how to use my housemates xbox as a dvd player so woo

8.      dragon age or mass effect: I don’t play them

9.      night owl or early riser: Permanently tired pigeon here but more of a night owl.

10.  cards or chess: Oh god um  actually can’t choose because i grew up playing card games and i really love them but i have a massive sentimental personal thing about chess so yeah i can’t choose here

11.  chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate what am I? dumb?!

12.  vans or converse: Converse 

13.  lavellan, trevelyan, cadash, or adaar: I do not understand

14.  fluff or angst: um in like fic reading or my life?? because my favourite fan fics are often angsty ones but I get wayyyyyyyyyy too emotional about them and yet still tend to read them over fluffy ones. Yet in actual life my life has enough problems please cover me fluffy things i’m tired

15.  beach or forest: beach because there’s sea but i fucking love forests so much!!

16.  dogs or cats: Cats!! but puppers are great too!!!

17.  clear skies or rain: Fucking rain I love rain!!

18.  cooking or eating out: I really like cooking it’s what I resort to when I’m having issues with life not working out.

19. Spicy food or mild food: I don’t like massively spicy food but I will fight you over bland food so like somewhere between the two??

20.  halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: I only really started doing halloween like a couple of years ago but i do enjoy it (woo for fancy dress) but i do really love christmas!

21.  would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: cold definitely i hate the heat. It was 15 degrees c today (59 fahrenheit thanks google) and i was dying and complaining most of the day

22.  if you could have a superpower, what would it be: Shapeshifting!!!! 

23.  animation or live action: Again with the whole job thing, live action but i love animated films too!!

24.  paragon or renegade: eh?

25.  baths or showers: i shower more often but my house doesn’t have a bath and i really miss it. also currently with my leg injuries i would love a bath because they ache so bad D:  

26.  team cap or team ironman:  umm i don’t know?? I’m not gonna choose sorry

27.  fantasy or sci-fi: Fantasy but scifi is awesome!

28. do you have three or four  favourite quotes? if so what are they: Presume not that I am the thing I was - Shakespeare Henry V

The planets and heavens will move for you. - this is a quote from a poem @deaded123/ @breathingtheworldinwords wrote for me which is my favourite poem

I am constantly coming across quotes i want ot remember but i never write them down so yeah...

29.  youtube or netflix: netflix

30.  harry potter or percy jackson: Harry potter but am currently working my way through the percy jacksons series which i do enjoy and rick riordan is an awesome human!

31.  when you feel accomplished: when i remember how far i’ve come from what i was and how hard i’ve fought to be where i am now. Also I once forgot what happened in a battle on an history exam so proceeded to talk about the battle of helms deep and cut the orcs and elves. I got 100% on that paper. ;)

32.  star wars or star trek: star wars......it was my childhood and i love it so much

33.  paperback books or hardback books: i do love me a good hardback but my paperbacks have kept me company for a long time

34. horror or rom-com: ummm i’m not great at horror but it depends so i’d probs watch the rom com and just be cynically sarcastic throughout...(the fact that i enjoy rom coms when i’m not great and actual romance annoys myself)

35.  to live in a world without literature or music: that is just mean :P but i’d have to chose literature as my life is based around stories

36.  pastel colours or dark colours: dark definitely!! other people look aweosme in pastels but i don’t like wearing them and honeslty just feel kind of suspicious of them as a colour group (i have no idea why i have such storng opinions on pastels or why i am suspicious...)

37.  tv shows or movies: Tv shows as you go through so much more. Also it suits my attention span better

38.  city or countryside: can i have like a town?? i love the countryside but i also need to be around other people or i get very morbid

39.  if any other zodiac sign could describe you, what would it be: i don’t understand??i’m a leo and honeslty haven’t looked at the others enough to know the traits!

40.  if you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life what would it be: i would currently choose one of sia’s albums as just yes

41.  cinema or theatre: cinema because i love films but i do enjoy theatre

42.  if you could be any fictional character’s best friend, who’d you be: hmmmmmmmm i honeslty don’t know as my favs are people like me but being around someone like me as a best friend is kind of an odd thought...pass?

43.  smiling or smirking: smiling to me means just being free and comfortable to be happy and smirking in my mind is the silly little in jokes that tyou have with friends in the middle of a conversation or when you’ve thought of something inappropriately funny both of which i do a lot.

44.  are you an ‘all or nothing’ type or are you more consistent: all or nothing probably

45.  playlists or your whole library on shuffle: shuffle because i’m too lazy to make playlists

46.  travelling or staying at home: Travelling,but i like to have a base somewhere. but yeah i get bored of places easily and am not attached to anywhere as a ‘home’ as a concept i’ve never really got that feeling about anywhere? um it’s hard to explain so i’m just gonna stop cos i don’t know what my point is

47.  books or fanfiction: both are literature and they’re both stories and i fucking love stories in all forms! right now i’m reading more fanfiction because when i need to work lets get lost in emotions about fictional characters right?! but seriously i have a bunch of favourite fanfics which i keep rereading and most are novel length so like not much of  a difference!

48.  If you could live in a fantasy world, what world would it be: the chronicles of ixia world probably but like god there are so many that i’d want to be in!!

49. your favorite cartoon: um i don’t really watch that many cartoons... cacn i claim the Dragons tv series that accompanies httyd? it’s animated......

50.  name the weirdest five songs on your itunes, current or past: um ok so i have a bit of  a weird thing about my music in that i don’t like talking about it too much...i’m getting better but yeah i don’t want to answer this :)

51. mountains or plains: Mountains!!!!!!! they give me liiiiiiiiiife

52. favorite anime (or tv show if you don’t watch anime): Yuri on ice is the first anime i’ve watched and honeslty have fallen in love with it and it has ruined my world right now (it’s what my anxieties are currently directed out instead of at my work which i’m cool with) and the only other one i’ve seen is ouran high school host club which i actually watched half of yesterday whilst working as a friend loves it, it’s amusing :)

53. which social media platform are you most like yourself on: err i don’t really do social media much. i have facebook to talk to uni people, a couple of group chats with home people and it’s the only contact i have with my dad’s side of the fam as most don’t live in england but i don’t actually post anything except about work i’ve got donea dn funny photos of my friends. obvs i have tumblr which i overshare about myself way too much but this is probs a very accurate summary of my shit sense of humour, tv shows, and everything else in my head! though i do sometimes get concerned about my oversharing on here cos y’know internet safetyand all D: oh i have snapchat too but i mainly use it to talk to 2 friends one is in germany so i can’t ring her like i used to and the other we pretty much just send each other selfies with a lot of heart emojis! i’ve been debating getting instagram but haven’t decided yet...

54. What are some of your passions:anyone that knows me or reads my frequent oversharing will know i work in costume stuff so yeah i can literally talk about costuming and historic fashions for days and not get bored so yeha don’t ask about that unless you ready to learn!! ;) um i’m also an archery instructor, really love drawing, and just yeah the various tv, film and book obsessions that i go through (currently it’s yoi but i do try and keep my obsession from fully taking ove rthis blog-80% of it is still my shit sense of humour

55. Favourite food: I will fight everyone to get a proper roast dinner with yorkshire puddings and also chocolate.....and pomegranates.....and sugar snap peas......

This was fun!!!

[funface2]

Dave Chappelle Doesn’t Need To Punch Down – BuzzFeed News

reader

In his occasionally funny new Netflix special, Chappelle continues to make anti-trans and victim-blaming jokes. Why can’t he strive to be more thoughtful?

By

Tomi Obaro

Tomi Obaro BuzzFeed News Reporter

Posted on August 27, 2019, at 6:43 p.m. ET

Netflix / Via screenshot

Dave Chappelle in his new Netflix special, Sticks & Stones.

What’s the most embarrassing public statement you’ve ever made that you’ve had to walk back? As a Sagittarius and a former conservative evangelical Christian — and quite a zealous one — I have plenty.

I won’t regale you with all of them, but certainly one of my top 10 is when I logged on to Facebook dot com in the year of our Lord, 2009. Michael Jackson had just died, and my Facebook feed was disturbingly lacking in sympathetic words of sorrow. One girl whom I went to high school with posted a status about how she didn’t understand why people were so upset about his death — he was “a gross pedophile.”

I was in a vulnerable place. The high school I went to was full of white people who liked to listen to Dave Matthews Band and ask me whether I tanned. I had spent hours in a fugue state watching videos of Jackson when he was a lanky teenager, wiggling his sequined hips in the “Rock With You” music video, his skin still the color of a coconut husk. He still had that wide, broad, and beautiful nose that looked like my nose (and that I too had once hated).

I don’t remember exactly what I wrote under that girl’s status. It was something mean and cutting, and I definitely went on about how he had been acquitted. She responded by saying that swooping in to comment on the post of a random classmate I wasn’t even friends with in real life to defend Jackson was proof of how ridiculous I was being. Touché. I promptly unfriended her and reminded myself to never get into Facebook arguments; they were a black hole.

I thought of that time, and that current of righteous anger, as I watched Dave Chappelle’s latest Netflix stand-up special, Sticks & Stones, which came out this week and has been predictably pilloried for its dismissal of sexual assault victims and anti-trans jokes. Chappelle proudly confesses as much early on in the special: “I’m what’s known on the streets as a victim-blamer.”

He defends Jackson, conceding that even if the two men who came forward in HBO’s documentary special Leaving Neverland earlier this year were telling the truth, it would be an honor to be molested by a musical legend: “I know more than half the people in this room have been molested in their lives. But it wasn’t no goddamn Michael Jackson, was it? This kid got his dick sucked by the King of Pop! All we get is awkward Thanksgivings for the rest of our lives.”

Chappelle still wants it both ways. He is willing to address criticisms of his earlier sets that were more flagrantly, lazily anti-trans, but not actually apologize or admit to changing his mind or express any meaningful empathy.

It’s the kind of purposefully ludicrous statement that’s designed to provoke, of course — it’s not even funny so much as shocking. You hear the audience gasp. (But the loudest boos of the whole night are reserved for when Chappelle jokes about how there’s no such thing as good 36-year-old pussy, which is the punchline to an R. Kelly bit. It’s telling that you can hear an audible exhale when Chappelle concedes that Kelly probably did rape his alleged teenage victims, even though he throws Surviving R. Kelly documentary filmmaker Dream Hampton under the bus to make that point.)

“I’m sorry, ladies, I’ve got a fucking #MeToo headache,” Chappelle complains. “This is the worst time ever to be a celebrity. Everyone’s doomed,” He defends Louis C.K., freely admitting that he’s biased as he’s friends with the guy. “They even got poor Kevin Hart,” Chappelle says. He describes Hart’s 2011 tweet about smashing his hypothetically gay son’s head with a dollhouse as “obviously” a joke. That’s before he launches into a whole spiel about “the unspoken rule of show business,” which “is that you are never, ever allowed to upset the alphabet people” — those people being “the Ls and the Gs and the Bs and the Ts.”

At this point, we’re reentering a familiar cycle: Chappelle releases a special on Netflix, he says something incendiary, it’s quoted back to him in a headline, and Chappelle reacts to the criticism in another Netflix special.

But Sticks & Stones feels distinct in that it encapsulates Chappelle’s paradoxical urges. You could say he’s doubling down, as some critics have written, but that’s not quite right. It’s a low, low bar, but some of the more truly vile anti-trans stuff has been excised from this recorded special. (It was filmed in Atlanta in 2017, two weeks before his run of sold-out Radio City Music Hall shows, so maybe he had time to reconsider the “man-pussy” jokes.)

But Chappelle still wants it both ways. He is willing to address criticisms of his earlier sets that were more flagrantly, lazily anti-trans, but not actually apologize or admit to changing his mind or express any meaningful empathy. In his 2017 special, Equanimity, he talks about receiving a letter from a white trans fan who criticized his transphobia, using the remark to essentially make more tired anti-trans jokes (and it turns out some of the details of the bit were highly embellished). And in a surprise epilogue to Sticks & Stones, he tells another story about Daphne, a trans woman who attended several of his sets in San Francisco and laughed hard at every joke. Afterward, according to Chappelle, they chatted at the bar and Daphne thanked him for “normalizing transgenders.” The audience at Radio City Music Hall, where Chappelle told this story, applauds loudly. It’s cringe-inducing — such a blatantly cynical, familiar move out of the old “I have a marginalized friend, so I can make this joke” playbook. (When Louis C.K. joked about his black friends who have stood by him, I imagine he must have been talking about Chappelle.)

What is especially frustrating about Chappelle’s trans jokes is how he essentially acts as if black trans people don’t exist, and as if black trans women in particular aren’t more likely to be victims of violence. His truth-to-power comedy only works if he acts as though trans people and black people are wholly separate entities. It’s enough to make you want to tie Chappelle to a chair and force him to binge-watch episodes of Pose.

Even if you ignored all the offensive jokes — which is a big ask, so I understand if you can’t — you’re still left with comedy specials that aren’t even particularly funny.

It’s enough to make you want to tie Chappelle to a chair and force him to binge-watch episodes of Pose.

And it grates, of course, because he has been shattering the mythos constructed around him ever since he famously walked away from a reported $50 million deal with Comedy Central in 2005. Dave Chappelle! The funniest man in America! If he had lived in Midwestern bliss for the rest of his life, his legend as one of our most hilarious, biting, silly, essential stand-up comics alive would have stayed intact — even if he did always have a few sets and sketches that were stupid and sexist and racist. But now he’s just like any other rich, middle-aged has-been, bravely taking on “cancel culture,” even as he continues to nab $60 million deals with Netflix.

As Vulture music critic Craig Jenkins recently tweeted, this cycle of jokes, outrage, jokes, repeat doesn’t actually affect Chappelle’s bottom line. He’s still a millionaire — and one who’s still getting booked, at that. So what’s really to be gained from punching down on the most vulnerable? Despite his fearmongering about celebrities falling victim to “cancel culture,” it’s not like Chappelle has actually been shunned. It has merely become less cool to say that you’re a Dave Chappelle fan at certain parties in Brooklyn.

As a beleaguered fan (like “I once spent more money than I had in my checking account to split a cab ride with a girl I didn’t know to watch him perform in a suburb of Chicago and then got stranded in said suburb because there were no cabs going back to the city”–level fan); I want to believe that Chapelle is more thoughtful than he’s been acting lately. And even in Sticks & Stones, which is better than the last two specials, there are kernels of funniness. He still makes me laugh out loud. He can still tell a story with surreal, spellbinding relish — his bit on buying a gun is hilarious. His face is so expressive; his eyes twinkle with impish glee. The way he holds his cigarette and leans forward, looking like a mischievous little boy, shocked that he can get away with it.

But he’s not a little boy. He’s a grown-ass man. And it feels like he keeps making anti-trans and victim-blaming jokes just because he can, which, sure. But why not strive to be more interesting, more original, more thoughtful?

Toward the end of the special, before the epilogue, Chappelle appears to make a conciliatory gesture: “If you’re in a group that I make fun of, just know that I see myself in you. I make fun of poor white people because I was once poor.” I waited for him to say what he saw in trans people, in victims of sexual assault, or in gay men. But he never said anything. ●

CORRECTION

Aug. 28, 2019, at 00:38 AM

Kevin Hart’s tweet about breaking a dollhouse over his son’s head was in 2011. An earlier version of this post misstated the year.

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