#and the only reason im dreading the day is because I didn't sleep much so im rly tired lmao

[piplupod]

i think i had a normal person nightmare for the first time in ... well honestly i can't remember having a normal person nightmare like ever. I'm sure I have but usually they've always got a big dose of trauma mixed in. but this one was totally normal, I'd just gotten lost in a big city and some shopkeeper got vaguely irritated with me for realizing I'd forgotten my wallet back at the hotel after she'd rung me up, and then I got lost in a neighbourhood, and then tried to ask this old gay couple for directions and they were so unhelpful that I woke up out of disappointment DBDHDKL

IT WAS JUST SO BORING AND ORDINARY, I woke up and was like. huh. that was... an absolute nothingburger. where were the horrors. that was so incredibly tame compared to the horrific shit I usually deal with on a nightly basis ??? hello ????

[yurunivo]

Sypnosis: accompanying your boyfriend to the gym!

TW:fluff, crack(?), not proofread, suggestive, no use of y/n, OOC, modern au, english is not my first language

Characters: Childe x Fem!reader

Ed sheeran

(NAME)

ANSWER PLS

IM CUMMING TO YOUR HOUSE

haha get it

ANYWAY BE READY 😈

delivered 10 mins ago

You were sprawled out in bed, your limbs practically dislocated from your body because of how spread out they were. You heard the notification from your phone, however you were too tired to answer it. Besides, your alarm didn't ring so you had the great idea of spending the day in bed all day. So, you did the thing any normal person would do, falling asleep again. It was just going to be a small nap anyway.

Meanwhile, a very familiar Ed Sheeran wannabe was at your door. He fumbled with the extra keys for your apartment that you gave him (which he totally didn't beg for). He finally opened the door, walking into the house. He immediately ran to the bedroom to see you, only to see you sound asleep. Feeling slightly bad, he slowly closed the door to your bedroom and went to your kitchen. As the good boyfriend he is, he decides to make breakfast for you! How sweet! (You would've slapped him hard if you woke up now).

He looked through your cabinets, mumbling to himself as there was nothing that was healthy, but worked with what he had anyway.

After finishing making breakfast, he wiped a non existent sweat off his brow, grinning to himself. He put all the food in a tray and began walking to your room. Placing the tray on your bedside table, he thought of a way to wake you up. He didn't feel like using that many methods, until thinking of a devious idea. He would probably come out looking like purple guy from fnaf from the amount of bruises he'll get from you, but it was the quickest way he could think of on the top of his head.

Searching the Samsung homecoming alarm sound on YouTube, he blasted it on full volume as he watched you wake up with a cold sweat, your eyes filling with dread.

"What the actual fu- CHILDE?!" You yelled, instinctively kicking him in the arm. He held onto it in pain, wincing at the amount of force you put in to kick him.

"For someone who doesn't like to work out, your hits hurt like hell," he sweat dropped, looking at you in some kind of awe, yet also in fear.

"You scared me!" "I did not!" "Yes you did!" You both accused each other.

"I sent you a message like twenty minutes ago that I was gonna come, didn't you see it?!" He argued back as you took your phone and frantically went through your messages as your mouth formed an 'o'.

"Well, I was sleeping!" You retorted back.

"WHO THE ACTUAL FUCK SLEEPS TILL 10 AM?!"

"I DO DUMBASS!" You held onto your throat as you started coughing from yelling too loud. You cut the conversation short and went to the bathroom, coughing your life out on the sink. Once it downed down, you brushed your teeth and went back into your bedroom, your voice too hoarse to continue arguing, luckily he understood.

You found the tray of breakfast that he made for you and placed it on your lap, slightly grateful for his actions. You held your spoon and ate agonizingly slowly just to annoy him, but he took your spoon away, and started feeding you himself. You couldn't really bring yourself to argue so you just accepted the not asked for princess treatment.

"So," you said while eating, "why did you come all the way here?"

"Can't a boyfriend visit his wonderful girlfriend without any reason?" He exaggerated. You didn't look amused in the slightest. He cleared his throat as he prepared to say his words.

"Wanna go to the gy-" "No." You finished his sentence.

"Why not??"

"Because I don't want to," you replied back.

He thought for a moment as an imaginary light bulb lit up in his head.

"I'll buy you (favorite food) today!"

As much as you don't want to go to the gym, you couldn't really turn down the offer, so you nodded. His face lit up to a smile as you got up from your bed and looked for an outfit to change in. He went out of the room to let you change, even if he has seen you naked many times before. He picked up his duffel bag that he left by the front door and walked to your bedroom door and placed it there. He waited for a few minutes before you walked out of your room. You placed a few things of yours in his bag like extra clothes, deodorant, a yoga mat and a towel.

You went passed him and got to fill your water bottle with ice and water before putting it in your bag. Taking your phone, you were ready to go.

Finally reaching your destination, you both walked out of the parking area and into the gymnasium. You went to your won separate activities as he did and laid out your yoga mat. You got on Pinterest and went to your boards to look at the few stretches and exercises you saved. You put on your headphones and go on your Spotify playlist.

It was a weird playlist, essentially since it was a shared one. On one hand, you have Childe's, which were just phonk songs, some that you knew and others that you never heard of. While on the other hand, was (favorite musice genre), which was yours. You could choose another playlist, but you didn't want to go through the extra hassle.

You started to do your stretches, paying attention to every step of everything. Luckily, most of them were simple enough for you to finish. Childe's phonk songs kind of ruined the vibe, but your songs made up for it. Most of the exercises were small, so you could finish your whole board in around an hour and thirty minutes. You took a glance at Childe, only to deadpan as you saw that he completed majority of the machines. You figured that you could do some light running on the treadmill and weight lifting, since you were done with the exercises from Pinterest.

As you went on the treadmill, you heard Childe whistle from behind you.

"Nice ass darling," he said light heartedly. You couldn't really help but laugh a little before saying thanks.

You continued working out, only lifting a few small weights. Drinking a bit of water, you decided that you were done for the day. You looked at Childe to see him doing some stretches and walked up to him.

"What are you doing?" You asked. You thought he was done with everything.

"After workout exercises," he said with a stupid grin on his face. You wanted him to wipe it right off his stupid face, but you suppose you could wait until you were both in bed.

He got off from doing sit ups and got in a position to do push ups as he smiled at you, obviously going to ask for a favour. You rolled your eyes at how obvious he was, but gave in anyway.

"What do you need help with?" You asked, taking your phone in hand.

"Count my push ups for me, pretty please darling?"

You hummed. Taking your phone and water bottle in hand, you went over to his back and sat on it. You slightly grinded on his muscular back, giggling to yourself as he looked at you.

You suddenly got an idea in mind. You went to your camera app and started to record.

"Can I ask a favour?" You looked at him as he nodded, counting the pushups in your head for now.

"Can you say my name between every pushup you do? I want to make a video." He raised his eyebrow at your words but still did it for you. You counted the push ups still, smirking to yourself as you created the perfect video for yourself.

After you counted till fifty, he stopped doing his pushups. He took the towel that you gave him and wiped the sweat off of his body.

"What was the video for princess?" He asked as you looked at him like you were waiting for him to.

"Free whimpering audio," you said simply. His eyes slightly widened at how blunt you were, but he quickly returned to his original self.

"You could've just asked darling! We can make one in-" you cut him off by putting your water bottle in his mouth. He drank a little from it before taking it away from his mouth and bringing you in for a hug. He kissed your cheek but you swatted him away because he was sweaty (even though you were too). Some people cringed in disgust at the two of you while others cooed at your 'young love'.

Idk how to do dialogue

[jadyn2303]

The voice startled you. At first you thought it was just a dream. But the voice sounded familiar to you. Yet it also filled you with a sense of dread and urgency to the point you thought you must be going crazy. It was dark in your room, the glow-in the dark stars on your ceiling had long since lost their green luster. Maybe it was just anxiety? There was no way you actually heard a voice when you were home by yourself right? Maybe that was it. Your parents had left for a long weekend and left you home by yourself. You were just anxious, your brain was playing tricks on you. You shut your eyes and turned on your side. Just when you started to fall asleep you heard the voice again. "You need to get out of here. They're coming for you." This time you sat up and turned on the bedside lamp. You looked out the window before calling out into the empty house. "If this is someone's version of a prank it's not funny!" You pulled your knees up to your chest as you tried to breath through the growing panic and fear. You shut your eyes again. "It's not a prank im serious." Now a bit angry you stood from your bed and began searching your room for a recorder or a camera or anything. You checked your lamp, under your desk, on your desk, in your closet, and finally under your bed; But you didn't find anything except dust bunnies and a sneezing fit. Your alarm clock said it was one in the morning. Why did your brain hate you so much? With a groan you flopped back down on your bed and covered your face with your hands. "Do you not remember me?" The voice asked. Why did it only talk when you were half asleep or your eyes were closed? Should you answer the question? You were definitely going crazy. "No I don't remember you." you stared at the opposite wall blankly without receiving an answer. You were so tired, you found yourself dozing again. "When you were little, I protected you then, but you were also frightened of me." Something clicked into place. A memory long forgotten. When you were five, something had come into your open window, only for the monster under your bed to grab them and devour them. You had run to your parents room and told them what happened, and they came and looked under the bed. But upon finding nothing, they told you to go back to sleep, it was just a dream. You didn't believe them, and drew a picture the next day to show them exactly what you saw and ended up in therapy as a result. Nothing ever came through your window again even though for awhile the monster would touch your arm at night. The sharp talons were surprisingly gentle. At first it had frightened you further, until you realized the reason your bed rocked you to sleep was because of the monster.

Eventually you were able to sleep without it's comfort and forgot all about it. Could it have still been there all this time? This time you kept your eyes closed when you answered. "I thought you left? Or just stopped exsisting. Maybe I imagined you. That's what the therapist said." You heard a soft tut and suddenly you could feel a cold sharp hand wrap around your arm. Instinct said you should be afraid but the monster had given you some sort of warning, and had taken care of you in childhood. When you opened your eyes there was nothing there, but you could still feel the cold on your arm. "Why do I need to leave? My parents will be back in a couple of days. No one knows they're gone. How could I be in danger?" You ask as you slip your eyes shut again. "They're not your parents. They're shadows. Like the ones that came through your window that night. They're angry they couldn't turn you into a shadow as well. Because you're fifteen, it's another prime age for them to turn you. It's the duty of monsters to protect their children even if we make them fear us in the process. There aren't many true humans left in the world, which is why you must leave. I don't know if I can stop them this time." Your heart pounded at this news. Something had always seemed off to you. About your friends, and your family and other people too. You never would have guessed this was the reason why. "If they came through my window last time, then where can I go that is safe?" You questioned, almost dreading the answer. "Away from here especially. The shadows will come through me this time. They will destroy me to turn you as an example to other monsters." You didn't like the sound of that at all. "Can't you fight?" There was another tut. "I am a rare shadow monster myself. One of the few who defacted from the shadow project. Fighting would be futile." The cold on your arm disappeared, and you opened your eyes to see a shadow on the wall from the lamp. It had sharp teeth, and talons for hands. "Now please child. It isn't safe. You must go. Stay away from beds if you can help it. Especially around each five number age." You grabbed your backpack from school the previous year, grsteful you had taken care of it and packed it full of some basic necessities. Instead of opting for the door you decided to climb out of the window. Turning back once to give your monster one last long look. "what is your name?" you question, realizing you've never known. "it's Hiei. It means shadow."

You smile to yourself at the memory as you sit in a rocking chair in a dark house now aged ninety-five. As far as you know you're the last and oldest true human alive. All because of your merciful shadow.

Now in your mid teens, you forgot all about the monster under your bed. One night though, it wakes you up saying “You’re not safe. You need to get out of here”

[fuckinorangecat]

part 2

Abysmal. There is a character limit, I can't believe this madness. Anyway.

We walked through a bunch of claw machine/gatcha shops and played a little bit. It was nice and I saw a very dedicated lady trying her absolutely hardest trying to get a golden kamuy figurine. She got it in the end, I was so happy for her. I was gonna attempt myself and if I got it I would've given it to her. She looked so close to giving up. Ahh, human perseverance. After that we got tired and went to a cafe where we waited for another addition to the party. A scottish JET, we outnumbered the American 3:1, fuck yeah. After meeting up with walked around further and went to a retro game store called Super potato or some shit. It was actually really cool lol, they had a claw machine for random ds/psp games and just a bunch of niche but cool japanese titles that we never saw in the west. One day I'll be able to read and play them properly. After that we found a fucking kebab stand, me and the friend I was staying with went ballistic, much to the american's confusion. Also the way americans say kebab is hilarious lol. We instantly buy some wraps and devour them, although it made me sad because it didn't hit the same as home. Guess it'll never be the same. Straight after I bought takoyaki, it was a very fat day but we walked like 30,000 steps by the end of the day so it should be fine - plus im on holiday. I'm not actually the biggest fan of takoyaki btw, too fucking heavy of a food. It's like eating a small rock every ball. After that we decide to find an izakaya and wind down. We find a place with outdoor seating and a perfect 6 seats, we were expecting two more JETs. Two more americans which unfortunately bring the numbers even. When they arrived, it was lovely. We all just spoke about random shit I can't even remember and drank. It was a great night. We bonded and exchanged instagrams, the Osaka JETs loved me and I them. Before going home we went to a conbini and I bought ice cream along with this other JET who LOVES ice cream. She bought one earlier too so I thought I'd join her this time. We ate ice cream and went on our merry way home. Two of the JETs go on the same train as us so we mingled a bit more. The girls all decided to have a twilight binge together, they invited me too but damn I smelled like shit. Ain't no way I'm polluting someone else's house. Especially after she showed me how nice her little place was lol. It'd be like a hotbox but instead of weed it's dutty fuckin' pits and tbh whole body. It was hot ok and I suffer in those conditions. 35 degrees celcius and crazy humid. Also we were exhausted since we've been running on 5 hours sleep. SO WE GO HOME, shower and sleep pretty much straight away.

The next day I woke up, packed up early to meet a former coworker from the UK. He was in Japan for a couple of weeks and I promised I'd meet him, that was actually the whole reason I came to Osaka. I said goodbye to my friend and went straight to the station my friend was arriving to. Travelling around Osaka was easy, it was pretty much identical to the tube. Just with better trains (airconditioned). I reunited with my former coworker and it was great lol. It's felt good speaking to someone I've known for a pretty long time, even though realistically we've only been apartment for like just under two months lol. Not much to actually write about but we did some touristy things! Went to the aquarium, which was actually the biggest aquarium in the world when it was built in 1990. I remember reading it on wikipedia before I was here randomly. I didn't realise it was the same one till I got there and felt a hint of familiarity. After that we met up with the rest of his friends which was amusing, a total of 6 black people and me so everyone was looking at us. I couldn't stay long but I helped them find a restaurant and order, talk a small bit, exchanged instas and left for my dreaded 7 hour journey back home. My friend actually walked with me to the coach station, bless him and i almost missed it too lol. I was very panicked and annoyed, thank you D for putting up with that. I hope the rest your trip to Japan was great.

The coach journey itself was fine, this time I actually slept most of the way unlike last time. I couldn't wait to be home and when I got home I was greeted by my neighbourhood cat Pochi. I was happy.

AWAY THAT CONCLUDES THE OSAKA ARC AND IM LAZY AGAIN

love, J-sensei

[mydekuacademia]

hi! this is an Emergency Request! i hope this okay to ask, but could i request Aizawa with a student reader whose entire family abused them physically/psychologically for most of their life and switched to just psychological abuse as they got older? Because of this they think they can't be a hero, they are afraid of bonding with anyone, and have started sleeping/eating much less and dread having to go home. And when dorm time rolls around they're scared their parents will refuse to let them go.

i hope this is okay! Thank you for taking the time to read my request!

I hope I'm not too late answering this! Also, sorry if this isnt written the best, im in the middle of a migraine

My dms are always open if you need to talk <3

Warning: child abuse (physical and psychological)

In Safe Hands

Some people love school - they get to see their friends, learn new things, etc. Some people hate school - they have to wake up early, be around people they hate, get told what to do, etc. But for you, school was your one and only safe haven.

Every day, you woke up to either furious screams or bruising blows. If you were lucky, your wakeup call was your threadbare blanket being torn off of you, but that was rare. After you woke up, you tried your best to tiptoe down the hallway to the bathroom once you were positive it was unoccupied. There, you would do your usual morning routine of showering and making yourself presentable. There wasn't much you could do about the bruises and welts littering your skin, but you always hoped everyone at school would assume they were from training. Nobody had questioned that excuse so far.

Little did you know, your homeroom teacher had been keeping an eye on you. He knew that your classmates hadn't hit you hard enough to leave marks that lasted more than a couple days. None of them gave you any reason to be sporting dark circles under your eyes. So he paid closer attention.

As the months passed by, you were physically injured less and less, but the mental torture escalated. Some days you were screamed at relentlessly for literal hours. Other days, your family acted as though you didn't exist - normally, that was a good thing, but now it just made you feel alone. You were gaslit, berated, taunted, and that was just the verbal aspect. Your family also worked to remove your sense of privacy and safety. They removed your bedroom door, forced you to take the lock off your phone and checked it regularly, set a strict curfew and locked you out if you missed it, and so on.

This all led you to become a different person. Your classmates all saw the change, even the ones you weren't particularly close to. You began to withdraw, not raising your hand in class or sitting with your friends at lunch, and eventually not eating lunch at all. You were unsteady in hero training, which resulted in easily lost matches and more frequent trips to Recovery Girl. You always hesitated when leaving the classroom at the end of the school day. People in Class B were even talking about seeing you asleep in empty classrooms during breaks.

Aizawa had more than enough reason to confront you, so he pulled you out of hero training one day and sat you down in the teachers' lounge with a cup of tea.

"I'm not going to beat around the bush," Aizawa started. "Something's going on. Your grades are dropping, you're not eating lunch, you aren't talking to your friends, you're falling asleep between classes. Care to explain?"

You froze, heart stuttering. You knew he meant well, you knew he would never do anything to hurt you, and yet you couldn't help but see the similarities between his inquiry and your family's interrogations. You trusted your teacher, but in that moment, he was yet another abuser.

Scalding tears filled your eyes and blurred your vision, reducing your teacher to a dark blob in front of you. You wanted to say something, but your throat locked up. Instead, you shook your head and wrapped your arms around yourself.

"You won't say?" he asked. You shook your head again. "Can't talk about it?" You nodded. "Alright, how about I ask some yes or no questions?" You nodded again.

"Are you having problems at home?"

You nodded.

"Are you safe at home?"

You shrugged.

"Does your family physically hurt you?"

You made a "sort of" motion with your hand. Tears trickled down your cheeks, and your chest ached.

"Okay, have they physically hurt you recently?"

You shook your head.

"Have they ever physically hurt you?"

Yes.

"Do they emotionally hurt you?"

Yes.

"Are you safe?"

Now, you didn't know how to respond to that. You didn't feel like your life was in danger, but you certainly didn't have a good quality of life.

At your pause, Aizawa changed tactics. "Do you need help?"

His heart absolutely broke at how desperate you looked when you frantically nodded at him. He already knew he would die for any of his students, but your reaction made him want to live for his students instead. Protecting them by taking a death blow in their stead was certainly one way to help, but he now knew he could do more by staying alive to advocate for them and intervene when necessary.

"I shouldn't be telling you this, but I feel like this will give you some hope," he started. "Nezu has been considering building dorms for all students to live in. You can get out, you can be safe."

He expected your expression to lighten, even just a bit, but was surprised to see you fall further into despair. Your face dropped into your hands, and your shoulders trembled as though he had just placed a massive burden on them.

"But Aizawa-sensei," you whimpered. "They'll never let me go."

"What do you mean?"

Your head shot up again, staring him directly in the eye. "They- they won't let me leave! I'm stuck there!" Your breathing picked up. "That probably means I won't be able to continue going to school here. I should probably just drop out now. I'm not fit to be a hero-"

"(Y/n)," Aizawa interrupted. "You will not have to leave UA. If your parents contest you moving into the dorms, the school will take legal action using what you just told me. As it is, even if you are allowed to move, we will make sure they face consequences for their actions."

You peered up at him through wet eyelashes, trying not to give in to the spark of hope that was trying to take light in your heart. It was too good to be true, wasn't it?

"Also, you are more than fit to be a hero. The fact that you haven't given up is proof enough of that. No hero is expected to continue fighting after a traumatic experience until they're healed - the same goes for you."

You sat up further and unconsciously wiped the tears from your face.

"As your teacher and pro-hero Eraserhead, I promise you, at this school you're in safe hands."

[joyaphoria]

the five chances you give him (5)

pairing: suna x f!reader

note: this is the last chapter! i hope you all enjoyed :)

summary: suna knew that he was doing something wrong, but he refused to acknowledge it. therefore, you slowly dropped five major hints for him, hoping that he would notice them and take action to fix your broken relationship. suna really did notice them, he just didn’t figure out in time that you were actually going to leave.

series masterlist | directory

© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

part five: rin became rintaro; then it became suna

"oh baby... nobody said that it was going to be easy." mei cooed, her voice softer than usual. she repeatedly kissed the top of your head as you cried into her lap.

"i k-know but.." you spoke through your sobs, snot along your sleeves. "i-i really hoped t-that he would ch-change.."

it's been just over two months since you've started changing your behaviour around rin, but he didn't seem to react to it—no, he may have changed, but only a bit. it wasn't enough.

you knew that this was unavoidable, and that it had to be done. the longer it takes for you to get this over with, the longer it will take for you to get over it.

so when mei sent you home that night, she reassured you that it will all be worth it in the end, and that you will find someone better.

but the fact that he was waiting for you at the same table that you used to wait at, every single night, didn't help at all.

"where were you?" he asked, his voice laced with concern.

you stood there for a second with your shoes still on, and folded over with laughter.

his heart flutters. whens the last time you laughed in front of him?

"sorry," you sniffled through the laughter, the aftermath from crying earlier doing you no justice. "it's just that i used to sit in that same chair, waiting for you to come home, you know?"

hesitating for a moment, he decided on getting up and walking over to you, although he didn't know what to do.

"y/n." he's looking down at you now, resisting the urge to reach out and take hold of your hands.

"rintarou."

now that caught both of you off guard.

it slipped out without a second thought on your end, and you were visibly shocked.

as was suna, except he was more afraid than anything else. he knew what this meant—he was no longer rin to you, but rintarou.

he should be grateful though, because he knew what eventually might come next. he knew that it wouldn't be rintarou for long, and that as soon as it changes, it would be over; everything would be over.

"were you crying?" he whispers, reaching out to wipe at your tear stained cheeks. except you wouldn't let him, grabbing his wrist in time. God—mei would be so proud; as would that kind lady from the cafe.

"why should you care?" you spat, letting go of his wrist to remove your shoes.

"because im your boyfriend." he said, although you didn't miss the quiver in his voice from that last word, as if he wasn't so sure anymore.

you move past him and head straight for the bathroom; but suna didn't miss it. he heard what you mumbled on your way out—and it had him slumped against the wall (when you were out of sight, that is)

his fists are clenched and his heart is beating a little too fast, but he can't get his mind off of what you said.

"yea, well not for long"

five words, and yet they seemed to foreshadow his future.

-

there were two possible reasons that you could be waking him up at 10 in the morning.

you were either waking him up to tell him that it was over, and that you were leaving, or that it was over, and that he had to leave.

turns out there was a third reason.

"do you have practice today?" you asked, your voice a whisper.

"yeah.. why?" he got up into a sitting position, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. its been a while since you last entered this room, moving all your things to the guest room.

"oh. nevermind." you make a gesture to leave but he panics and grabs your arm. this could be an opportunity, and he wasn't about to lose it.

"i could um.. take the day off." he nods his head.

"are you sure?" when he nods his head yet again, your features soften.

"okay, well get dressed. i feel like going to a theme park."

you leave the room before he has a chance to answer, but he complies anyways.

his mind wanders to the picture that he broke in the heat of the moment awhile back—the one where you were both smiling at an amusement park, kids laughing in the bakground.

-

"let's go on that one!" you exclaim, pointing at the rollercoaster.

a soft grin takes over your face—and while it may not be your typical energetic one, at least it was still there.

now, suna wasn't a big fan of rollercoasters. he prefered to have you go on them, while he took the photos, but today's been the first time in a while that he's actually seen you happy, and he wanted to keep it that way.

you've been here all day, and it was already pretty dark, so they might be closing soon anyways.

when the cart had finally come back around, you and rin got on, with a guy slipping in on your side.

"you guys here together?" he asked, looking over you to make eye contact with suna.

you nodded, and he chuckled.

"im here with my girlfriend, but she doesn't like roller coasters as much as i do."

now you and him are making small talk, and suna is resisting the urge to tell the guy to shut up, and to go back to his own girlfriend.

when the ride finally starts, he feels relieved, even slipping his hand into your own.

your hand tenses, and he looks up to find a look of guilt soaked into your features.

he quickly unravels his hand from yours, settling it into his lap and looking away. he got too carried away to remember that a day of rides and fun wasnt enough to fix his mistakes.

as the ride starts climbing upwards, fear pumps through his veins.

he shuts his eyes, dreading the fall.

when it finally came, he opened his eyes and hugged himself to keep from screaming.

he looks over to you, and his heart does that thing again—it flutters.

with your hands in the air, your screams adorning his ears, he fell in love. all over again.

the moonlight caressed your pretty features as your eyes shut in pure bliss, and suna found tears falling out of his own.

the tears fell but he didn't sob—not once. you didn't look his way either—not once.

instead he looked away, quickly wiping the tears before someone could catch him. he missed this; he missed you.

when you two got off the ride later, he wonders if you would ever go to another theme park with him.

-

when you decide to leave, suna finds an employee walking around the park with a polaroid camera.

he asks him to take a picture of you, and places it in his wallet. he can't break it this time.

suna misses the look of guilt that slips past your face, as if it were never there.

-

when the car pulls into the parking lot, and you both get out, suna realizes that you weren't walking beside him.

he panics and turns around, where he finds you smiling. tears in your eyes.

"thank you for today, suna."

he freezes. he can't move anymore. he can't think.

"don't be silly. let's go inside." he's walking again, but when he doesn't hear a second set of footsteps, the tears wash over him.

"why aren't you coming?" his voice cracks as the tears stream down his face.

"i'm going to mei's. it's-it's over." you smile, wiping continuously at your eyes.

"y/n please, we can talk about this." he's running over to you, taking hold of your shoulders as he bends down to make eye contact. "we're fixable, okay? i promise we are." he doesn't make move to wipe away the tears that are falling.

you wipe away his tears, pulling him into a hug. "i'm so sorry."

he wraps his arms around you and holds you tight, afraid of having you slip out of his grasp. "please, don't leave me. i'll do anything, just give me another chance. i need you."

you wriggle out of his arms, and his fists clench at his sides.

"i gave you chances. i gave you too many. i have to go."

you're running now, and he can't decide if he should run after you or not. has he not caused you enough pain?

instead, he falls to his knees and cries.

that was it. he lost you—he lost everything.

the polaroid picture was burning a hole through his wallet.

-

when he finally musters up the courage to check the guest room a few days later, he sees all your things packed up in boxes.

you had it all planned out, didn't you?

-

when mei comes later that day to pick up your things, she finds suna curled into a ball on the guest room floor.

"suna. wake up."

his eyes open slowly, and she finds them red, his eyebags puffy and cheeks tear-stained.

"is y/n gonna come back?" he asks, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

mei shakes her head, and suna cries again.

she looks away, thanking the heavens that she wasn't in a relationship. she couldn't help but pity him as she collected her best friend's things, suna's sobs as a sort of background noise.

she couldn't be surprised—the lost of your entire world was enough to make any grown man cry.

-

heartbreak isn’t easy, but suna’s heart hurts without you. where he sleeps, where he bathes, it all reeks of your touch.

you’re everywhere here, all memories playing back to him like a movie. he’s reminded of you, and recovering addicts don’t test themselves; they dont stay around said addiction to see if they can restrain themselves.

and so suna moves out, running from the place that you’ve drenched in your presence.

he leaves the polaroid picture on the table.

[god1ngs]

━‎ second chance

synopsis; dream offers you a deal

contains; manipulation, fighting, war, guilt tripping, death threats

prolouge + 2.1k wc

note; wow this was really long, but i hope you enjoy the prologue of seven days! also i'm changing the update schedule to every wednesday because im impatient lmao

seven days masterlist ; masterlist ; next part

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎everyone was fighting. there was no time to think as people charged into battle, screaming echoing off trees and shaking the leaves. the war went on, the violence unceasing between the dream smp and l'manberg. this was the worst possible outcome.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you never liked war, even if you were known for starting chaos, this wasn't the type of chaos you wanted nor needed. l'manberg was still fragile, still in a new and weakened state, having not been built too long ago. war would only tear it down.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎before you joined l'manberg, you and dream were close. really close. the two of you could be seen everywhere and, without a doubt, were two of the closest people on the server. and yet the two of you had drifted apart before everyone else.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎it started when dream became more power hungry, demanding l'manberg to be tore down simply for his own tyrannical reasons. you noticed, the change in his attitude evident, yet didn't say anything. it didn't stop dream from lashing out at you and even exiling you though.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎it was too late however, even by then. you were already too entangled with dream, and he knew it.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you hadn't spoke to dream since your exile. you stayed in the walls of l'manberg, usually only speaking to wilbur or tommy. you were more lonely. dream was, in a sense, all you had. he was the one person you talked to and the one who seemed to care about you.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎sure, you spoke to george and sapnap, but they weren't dream. dream was the one you favored, despite saying you liked them all equally. that was clear, no matter how much you insisted you didn't.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎it was even more clear when dream began speaking.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎dream, sapnap, and george stood outside the towering walls of l'manberg. they had tnt and weapons that were far greater than your own. they were intimidating, exactly as they had planned. they stopped the violence for a moment, pausing when dream raised a hand up.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"i want to speak to [name]."

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎it was as if time had stopped. you were stood behind wilbur, but the only person you could see was dream. an arm was placed in front of you, wilbur's, and he said something. but you weren't listening, too caught up in the way dream was staring at you.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎was he staring at you? you couldn't tell with his mask on.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you came back to your senses, looking up at wilbur. you had always been one of the loud ones of l'manberg, but you stayed quiet as he talked to dream. you heard your name amongst his words, but couldn't decipher what he was saying.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎then it happened.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎within seconds everything was gone. ash scattered across the once green grass and smoke rising in the air. it happened all so quickly. you had ash in your hair and there were bits of stone and wood laying around. you all ran to the caravan, trying not to get caught in any more flying debris.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎glass crunched beneath your feet as you walked in the caravan. part of it was gone and the glass panes had been broken. it was evident how much destruction had been done by dream. so why were you still thinking about him?

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you hadn't noticed, but your ears were ringing. you were lightheaded and there was blood on your once clean uniform. "i consider this a win." wilbur said, ever so confident. it was refreshing to see his confidence still in tact. it reminded you of dream.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you stood beside the caravan now, the destruction of your home creating a sinking feelinf in your chest. however, it was gone once wilbur stood on top of the vehicle. he wrote the declaration of independence, the giggles from you and your comrades filling the air.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎it was a change of heart from the war that ended only minutes ago.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎afterwards, you all got patched up. wilbur had been bandaging your hand, having got shards of class from the windows of the caravan stuck in it, when he suddenly sighed. "[name]." he said firmly, looking at you. had you done something?

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"did you hear what dream said today?"

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎it was all a blur, the loud sounds of war and your own thoughts had drowned out the sound of anything else. "no? what did he say?" you asked, something arising in your chest. you couldn't tell what it was, but there was a familiar sense of giddiness. you were giddy to know what dream had said, willing to be hooked on every syllable coming from him.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎he only shook his head, wrapping your hand. "nothing. just something about how he wanted to talk to you." he answered, not noticing the way you got somewhat upset. you hummed, nodding your head before he turned to the night sky. it was late, much later than you were supposed to be up.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎everyone else had already been asleep, having been nursed hours ago, but you had only just noticed the shards of glass in your hand. you didn't know how the pain had left you unaffected, but dream had always told you how strong you were.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"you should go to bed," wilbur murmured after a moment of silence. "it's late and we have things to do tomorrow." you nodded quietly, unaware of the tired look on the mans face. you bid your goodnights, and with that, you went back to your home.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you had been trying to go to sleep for hours. you couldn't seem to stay still enough to go to sleep. perhaps you still had energy from earlier. you sat up, frowning as you glanced out of your window. the grass, once lush and green, was now tainted with the aftermath of war.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎maybe a walk would help.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you got a knife, a simple form of protection in case anyone tried to attack you. you walked out of your house, careful to be quiet to not wake any of the others. you hoped you were the only one having sleeping problems.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you found yourself wandering out of the walls of l'manberg, sitting beside a lake. it was peaceful, the gentle glow of the moonlight reflecting off the water. it was silent, the crickets and the sway of the leaves being the only noise around.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎or so you thought.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you hadn't even heard anyone come behind you. you were alone, weren't you? it appears not. "i haven't seen you in a while." his voice cut through the peaceful atmosphere, bringing dread and longing all at once.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you turned to look back at dream, the smile mask haunting and causing you a sense of peace at the same time. your mouth ran dry, eyes wide as you looked up at him. this was the first time you two have talked in months.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you nodded in agreement to his words, wondering if you should be scared or excited of the man. you wanted to feel nervousness, to be put off by his sudden appearance, but all that came was the relief of finally being able to talk to him.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"not talking, huh? do you even miss me?" he asked, taking a seat beside you. you panicked, frantically trying to tell him that you had missed him, but he only laughed in your face. "calm down," he teased, the grin in his voice calming you down. "you always overreact at every little thing."

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you apologized sheepishly, embarrassment tickling you. he sighed, leaning back on his palms as he stared at the moonlight. was he relaxed? "you know, i tried to talk to you earlier. in front if l'manberg. did you not hear me?" he turned to look at you, tilting his had quizzically.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you shook your head, rubbing at your arm. "no, i didn't. i'm sorry. it was really loud then." you explained, being comforted as he put a hand on yours. "it's alright. just make sure you listen for me next time okay?" his grip got tighter at his words, a passive aggressiveness punctuating them.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎you nodded quietly, his iron grip alleviating at your movement. silence washed over you two again, your mouth opening and closing at the words you wanted to say but didn't know how to. it changed once he pulled you closer to him.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"do you know why i exiled you, [name]?" he asked. you were confused, brows furrowing as you shook your head. "no .. why did you exile me, dream?" you asked, hesitant but willing to get the answer. he hadn't told you what he had exiled you for, having only told you he was done with you and to get out of his sight.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎his hand left yours, instead resting on your chin and tilting your head to look up at him. he was much more intimidating with the moonlight shining behind him, yet looked like an angel all the same. once more, his grip tightened on your chin. you winced, knowing there would be a mark there.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"you threatened my power. you were the one thing holding me back from doing what's necessary. exiling you was the only way i could make sure you wouldn't get in my way," dream seethed, snarling beneath his mask. he snatched your face closer to his, your eyes wide with confusion and fear. "but you're threatening my control again."

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎he let you go, you grabbing your chin out of pain and stammering at him. he reached for his sword, bringing it out of its sheath and pointing it at you. you were vulnerable, only having a knife that you couldn't possibly reach for with him keeping his eyes on you, not without risking your safety.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"killing you in the only way i can make sure you don't hold me back anymore."

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎he raised his sword, and your life flashed before your eyes. you begged. you pleaded for mercy, tears welling in your eyes and your hands covering your head. "please dream!" you sobbed, sniffling as you begged him to spare your life. "i won't get in your way anymore, i swear! i'm sorry!"

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎your life should have been over with, but he stopped. he tilted his head down at you, his sword still pointing at your chest. you whimpered, tears streaming down your face. you couldn't even feel the embarrassment of it with all the fear weighing you down.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎he weighed his options, thinking for a moment. unbeknown to you, he grinned beneath his mask. he would play with you for a little while longer. "alright." he said, amusement coating his tone. he tilted your chin up with the end of his sword, the blade nearly caressing your neck. it scared you, how easily dream would be able to kill you.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎dream almosted pitied how pathetic you were.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"i'll give you seven days. a week for you to say goodbye to everyone, and when those seven days are over, you come right here, at this time, and you get to convince me to either spare your life a second time or i kill you. understand?"

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎the joy in his voice, the raw delight, terrified you. you nodded frantically, not passing up on a chance to have your life spared. your mind was already racing with thoughts to convince him to spare your life.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"if you try to go against me in any way possible within this week, i'll kill you in front of your friends instead. do we have a deal?" he put his sword away, putting his hand out towards you. you hesitated, terrified to touch him. yet he only insisted, shakily shaking his hand.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎he snatched you towards him again, his tight grip on your hand making it ache. you swallowed with nervousness, catching a glimpse of his wide grin underneath his mask. all the more reason to be terrified of dream.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"don't disappoint me."

taglist,

━‎ ‎ ‎@paradigmax ; @pachowpachowbucket ; @acatstalkingyou ; @angelicaschuyler-church ; @saucey-kneecapzz42020 ; @piano-boo ; @i-need-hugs ; @strawbrinkofdeath ; @halloweenpoison13

[wistfulkitten]

i dream you'd love me again (2) || jk

sadness, guilt, regret. all things jeongguk felt after reading her letter.

genre: angst and fluff? childhood friends, cheating, sisters boyfriend au

pairing: jeongguk x reader

word count: 2.3k

posted: 200518

warnings: longing, infidelity, profanity (kinda), mentions of sex, probably inconsistent punctuation 

a/n: theres probably gonna be minor grammar issues because grammarly is shit and im tired. n e way i tried making this longer, it took me like four hours believe it or not. funni how i can make time for writing but not for my hw. silly me. i tried explained why he did what he did and im sorry if it was crappy. thank u to yall who read the first one. if you guys have any requests or ideas feel free to send me something in my inbox or message me. tyty:))

------------------------------------------------------------

sadness. sadness is what jeongguk felt at the end of ___’s letter. sad that he hurt her enough to the point that she thought of herself as anything but perfect. sad that she doubted his feelings for her. sad that despite everything he put her through, she still loved him and still wished him the best. he always knew she had a big heart. it's one of the many reasons he was drawn to her in the beginning, but it was also one of her biggest weaknesses. her heart was too big for her own good and it scared him. ___ was always too quick to forgive and forget and most of the time it came back to bite her in the ass.

 he saw it time after time when her dad had left. he had had an affair and left his wife and two kids for a younger woman and yet she never got mad or ever blamed her father in contrary to yoona. while yoona never gave her father the time of day after the separation, ___ always made sure to set time aside for him even when he never put in enough effort to interacting with his daughters. he was a pretty crappy father, content with his new life. and though it made her sad that her family was no longer whole and her mother was practically always crying herself to sleep, it made her happy that her dad was happy. she was just about twelve then and still, she never gave into childish grudges. thirteen year old jeongguk found her slightly stupid for this trait but as they grew up, he found it quite endearing. 

guilt. after the sadness had settled in, a great wave of guilt washed over his being. while he was here, newly married with a whole life ahead of him, you were somewhere out there living the life you always wanted sad and lonely. too heartbroken to even enjoy it properly. he didn't deserve it, the comfort and security his new marriage gave him, he didn't deserve it. 

 jeongguk was merely seventeen when he fell in love with a sixteen year old ___ all the while he dated yoona, her older sister. he’d known them practically his whole life and it was such a small town that it was simply impossible for you not to know anyone and everyone. everyone went to the same schools and hardly anyone moved out of the godforsaken town. he and yoona started dating in the sixth grade. much too young to be dating but their families were long time friends and saw it appropriate for the two to start early. so that one day the two families would unite. jeongguk hadn’t minded at first. he was eleven at the time but yoona had always been a good friend. they played together all the time so nothing really changed except for the frequent hugs and occasional kiss on the cheek.

 as they grew older they graduated into more mature ways of affection but it never bothered him too much. though he was friends with yoona, he was always closer to ___. sure at first, he had trouble expressing but afterward never once did they ever feel reserved towards one another, only ever honest with every bit of their being.  while yoona was more reserved and occasionally bratty, ___ was outspoken and adventurous. always willing to try something new even if it wasn't exactly encouraged. she never shied away from speaking her mind and that was something jeongguk always aspired to be. she was everything he wasn’t.  she expressed herself in every possible way. hair color was constantly changing since the start of high school. she pulled off any type of style you could think of. you could pick her out of any crowd in an instant. she painted, wrote poems and songs, sang, played various instruments, even took up photography. she turned any type of art form into a way for people to understand her, every single part of her. she was good at so many things and jeongukk, jeongukk was good at one thing. basketball. yet she never made him feel bad about it, instead she went to every game. cheering him on. she was mesmerizing in every single way. 

 while they had their good moments, yoona had a knack of patronizing him for every fault and imperfection. when they started high school she had tried so hard to be looked at as the perfect couple. she made it a point to show that they ‘never fought’ and were always ‘happy’. he never spent too much time with his friends because ‘every boyfriend had to put his girlfriend first’. this is the exact reason jimin never liked her and why jin always referred to her as a pain in the ass. it was safe to say his friends weren't exactly fond of her either. she was so different from ___ which was good or bad, depending on who you were asking. 

yoona was pretty, though jeongguk would say ___ was prettier. soft features, soft personality, light colors were a constant, skirt never too short, hair never too long. she was a straight line kind of girl like the majority of girls in town. grades never faltering. she always believed in the whole study hard, get a good job, have kids plan everyone stuck to and it was always so suffocating. 

he wanted more out of life, he wanted to explore places, explore himself. he wanted to get to know himself in more ways than one because he had yet to know all of it. all of him. but by the time he was sixteen, jeongguk already had a career to work towards and a girl everyone was so sure would be his wife. it was like his life was a book and everyone but him was the author. he had no control and he started to dread the future. he was running and he knew what would be at the finish line, so he slowed down. while yoona was running full speed, he was jogging at most. he started faking a persona in front of his family and yoona because they simply didn’t get it and they never would. 

when he couldn’t exactly talk to his own girlfriend about his feelings and problems ___ was always there to listen. she was good at that. listening. she never judged, instead always reassuring him that when the time came he’ll know what to do. she had an easygoing way of living and he longed to live like that too. though her mother didn't agree and favored yoona more, she simply took it as it was and cherished what she had for the time being. her love for her mother and sister never faltered even if their love never measured up. ___ had a way of looking at the world that could get her far, far away from here and jeongguk envied that. she said all his feelings were valid and no one should be mad at him for simply feeling. once he had slowed down enough for the once blurry images to become clear, he’d realized that running with yoona was far too tiring and that walking with ___ was far more fulfilling.

 jeongguk was merely seventeen when he fell in love with a sixteen year old ___ and it was the most exhilarating feeling ever. it had started out as just a friend being there for a friend, but one day it turned into something more. they had been out on one for their many infamous nightly drives when they had stopped at a cliff, a pretty view of their small town in sight. pretty lights below and above. the stars were out that night just like them, watching the rest of the world sleep. she’d looked into his eyes, simultaneously looking into his soul. with anyone else, he would’ve felt naked and exposed but with her, he wanted her to see everything and to understand everything. he realized he only ever wanted one person to do that and he wanted to express it in the best way possible. he kissed her. really kissed her and she didn't shy away. he knew it was wrong, they both did, but it felt so good. so good that it felt right. right there, in the back of jeongguk’s first car, clothes disappeared one by one and they wrote love poems into the bareness of their skin. so passionate, so raw that it was impossible to stop afterward. they did it again and again behind closed doors, behind the curtain they drew in the depths of night. it was nothing they ever felt before. when they weren’t tangled within each other they explored as much as the city would let them. talking about anything and everything. no boundaries. 

___ planned on leaving once she graduated, didn’t know where to but the farther the better. she hated it here and so did he. it made jeongguk sick to even think about a life without her in it. he was selfish, he knows. he had them both and it was very clear which of them he loved more yet it saddened him that the one he favored more would ever leave him here. alone. that was until she asked him to come with. she asked him to run away with her. he swears if he wasn't deeply in love with her then, he was now. of course he said yes. running away and seeing the world with his favorite girl was a dream. a dream he truly wanted to become reality. 

they planned it out. jeongguk and yoona graduated and while ___ finished her final year in high school and yoona stared college, jeongguk took a gap year waiting for ___. waiting for their dream while working jobs here and there, financially preparing. he also took a business internship so that his family would get off his back for working instead of college. it was full proof, even the boys knew. though they thought it was risky, they supported them both. they had grown fond of ___.  they’d both work jobs to add onto their savings and the day after ___ graduated they’d leave and never come back. that was the plan, the dream. and yet they never made it.  

regret. he regretted it so much. the faithful day came but jeongguk didn’t. she waited and waited but he couldn’t do it. he watched from afar, luggage in hand. watch her wait. watched her cry when she realized. he cried with her. he was just so damn scared. a coward is what he was. he was scared of the unknown, something he craved so much and yet he was scared of it. and that's exactly how he felt for ___ at that moment. he craved her so much, loved her so much, and yet he was scared of her. scared that her spontaneous ways would one day be the end of them. he thought of yoona, at least with yoona he knew what he was getting. knew exactly where they’d end up. he wanted certainty and that's why he watched her leave. but to his surprise, she didn't leave, not yet. she stayed and waited, waited long enough for everyone else to find out. she was then branded as a little slut that wanted a taste of the forbidden fruit, the one he didn't choose. it was far from the truth but its what everyone believed. and so she left far far away and he didn't chase after her. god did he regret it. every day since that day he’s felt nothing but regret. he was back to putting the mask on trying to appease everyone. surprisingly no one reprimanded him and for that he felt anger, anger he’d only felt towards himself.

___ was the love of his life so it hurt. it hurt to see that she didn’t think of herself like he did. he wasn't aware she felt that way. like she was in yoona’s shadow. to him, it had never been like that because she’d been the one he sought to look at first in every room. it hurt to see she thought so low of herself but you could say he wasn't any better. he was newly married and yet he was miserable. it had only been a few months since he and yoona got married and people were already asking when they were having a baby. straight out of college and things were moving so fast. he was nauseated and lived life in such a lethargic manner. he needed her. 

she said she still loved him. maybe it wasn’t too late. maybe he could turn things around and fulfill the dream they never reached. so he picks up the phone and dialed the number he used to call every night. it was so familiar that he didn’t need to think twice about it.

it rang once, twice, and finally, on the third ring, she answered.

“gukk?”

he cried at the sound of her voice. he missed her so much. after a while, he could hear soft sniffling from the other line.

“can i come home?” he asked, voice so hoarse it hurt.

“you are home… aren’t you?” voice strained, sounding confused.

“no no, you’re my home ___. i need to come home. “

with that jeongguk couldn’t help but cry harder.

“shhh shhh gukk, it's ok. everything will be ok.” she cooed familiar words he hadn’t heard in a while. “ok, come home. come to me baby.”

he booked the first flight he could as soon as she said where she was and packed up as much as he could. he was gonna stop living this lie and start living for himself. something he should have done four years ago. and in a few hours, that’s exactly what he was gonna do. live the life he dreamed of with her, no holding back. he needed to stop being afraid. he was on his way, without a care in the world. jeongguk loved ___ and ___ loved him. that's all that mattered.

he’d send the divorce papers over tomorrow.

[teddy-feathers]

I didn't even like being home yesterday and it was my day off.

Not going today makes it less likely I'll be okay to go later

Using up 'sick' days when not sick is ill conceived at best.

On the other hand ive hand a really hard time going lately.

40 hours may do wonders for the paycheck but my emotional state doesn't handle it well

Which is literally on me because I CHOOSE these shifts

We'll be short handed my coworkers will hate me. The reason we HAVE good hours is because we're down one man from being fired for NOT SHOWING UP and another is on vacation.

Im exhausted and emotionally a mess

If I go I wont leave

5-130 is a long but mostly quiet shift

I need to finish sickering the god blessed socks. And im one of the few people who knows my entire job amd is willing to fucking do it Which even on my bad days makes me a resource

If i cant or wont show up it makes me a liability

I dont remember how many times Ive called out. But I was only hired in august so my record cant look too good.

Im scared.

I need the money.

Well i need the consistent income and I WONT get as good hours anywhere else.

I dont want to learn a new job.

Its way harder for me to go to work at a new place then the place where i know people and how to do things.

Theres every reason for me to go.

Its really hard to call in before the store opens.

I really dont want to go I just want to go to sleep.

I dont deserve to call in.

Or honestly keep my job.

I cant make payments on my car without a job. Or pay my insurance. Or pay back my dad. Or pay my cell bill. Or save up to move out.

The trash needs to go out. I have to get up and do that either way.

And if I stay home I should clean the kitchen and I wont.

Ill want to do productive things like my taxes but I wont. Or I might desperately try to make up for staying home but ultimately fail.

Ill sleep too much and then wont sleep again tonight.

Im working my mood worse and ill do it all day amd then i wont want to go tommorrow

I really do not want to go.

Cathy is off. Patrick is on vacation. Great chance of there being hardly anything done if I dont go... At least I KNOW what needs to be done.

Though Ill prob spend my day on planagrams and resetting babies and infants socks and underwear.

I feel gross.

Im exhausted awake and want to be sick

Ill be so fucking bitchy if i go.

Im the opener. While there is usually a 7 am person if this is a lightly staffed day it could be no one until 930 which would be bullshit.

Nobody fucking cares and its a hassle to work with. But when I work with people that do care I feel like an imposter

Maybe i just like to bitch and i dont care either.

My life would be easier if other people cared and im inherently lazy.

I cannot stress how much i want to go.

I have about five minutes left to decide because i need to stop being fucking late.

Its not that bad yet.... Im afriad if i do go it will be tommorrow.

I need to stop indulging my fears.

I need to stop rewarding my down spirials.

Maybe I need to stop signing up for things i think i can handle when it makes shit like this happen.

Less time at work would not make this better though id just feel even worse about missing time.

Theyll hate me. Hell Ill hate me.

Another shift where im dreading being there and spend far too much of it hiding... Would be bad too.

I cant leave early. If I left early there would be such a high probability of my not coming back. Worse than just not going.

Two minutes before i have to go start my car and get dressed and pull trash.

Im not going. Ive been sitting here whinning.

Ill feel like shit all day

Ills get nothing done not even sleep as some twisted self fucking punishment

Ill do what i did yesterday which is a whole lot of nothing that i didnt even want to do while fighting to focus and failing while feeling fucking sorry for myself.

My life isnt hard. The things i ask of myself are not hard.

The thought of going is still worse.

It really is. I will talk too much. Be grumpy. Look gross. I'll cuss too much i need an attitude adjustment from hell. I dont know whats been up with me lately but ive been a nightmare.

Not professional at all.

I hate myself. But Im calling in. Theyll hate me. Hell they probably already so we're all such fucking children and im tired of it.

Tired of running my mouth but it never disengages.

I need help. But i wont go. And if i lose my job i wont be able to afford it.

Another morning waisted on tumblr dithering instead of getting ready for work.

I wish people didnt rely in me. I wish i didnt need to be dependable and be incapable of handling that and hate it with a passion.

I wish Id stop making excuses and just do what needs to be done.

I wish I wasnt sabotaging my own fucking life

To go or not to go