#and the idea of a romance that transcends that. reconciles who you are with who you are Not. or may not be.

[t1erradelfuego]

something 2 be said about romances in the public eye ... Wahh

[beegomess]

T.R. || Loving you forever

Summary: Tom and you made a pact that they would be together forever, and you are willing to do so. Even if you have to trick some people into having him in your arms again.

Warnings: The story will take place in the 5thº year.

You, a brilliant student of Slytherin, carry with you an emotional weight and a story that few can understand. The connection you shared with Tom Riddle transcends mere friendship or romance; it was a union of souls who promised a future together, challenging not only conventions, but also the timelines themselves.

The promise made with Tom was more than words; it was a sealed pact with a love so intense that it seemed immortal. When the spell cast by him projected you forward in time, it was not just an escape, but a way to preserve this connection beyond death and forgetfulness. Every day at Hogwarts, while you keep your Slytherin student facade, it is a silent battle to hide the true weight of your heart — the pain of being separated from the one you love most and the persistent hope of meeting him again.

Current life, with its challenges and interactions, is constantly filtered through the memory of the past. Every step you take is calculated, each action is measured with the intention not only to fulfill your mission, but also to keep alive the memory of the love that once defined your existence. The fact that Tom's diary is the key to his resurrection makes his quest a mixture of duty and desire, an effort to restore what has been lost and, at the same time, a longing for a future where you can be together again.

As you approach Harry Potter, you are not only in search of a magical object; you are struggling to unite two worlds - the present and the past, love and obligation, the real and the imagined. Every moment you spend trying to gain Potter's trust is a step closer to realizing a promise that was made in simpler times, and also an attempt to reconcile what was left behind with what can still be achieved.

Behind his calm smile and the calculated strategies, there is a soul marked by an eternity of longing and a heart that still pulsates for the love that has never been faded. The mission is your redemption and your purpose, and its success is the key to restoring a piece of a past that you have never been able to leave completely behind.

His "frendity" began in a Herbology class. You were still someone unknown to him, which certainly helped you.

Harry began to sympathize with you some time ago, seeing you as an unexpected ally. It didn't take long for an obstacle to emerge in his path. Hermione Granger began to suspect her true intentions and decided to warn Harry about you.

One afternoon, while you were talking to Harry in the hallway, Hermione approached with a serious expression, which made you say goodbye and move away discreetly.

- Harry, are you sure you can trust her? - Hermione asked, her voice loaded with concern. - She is from Slytherin, and this should be taken into account.

Harry looked at Hermione, with a confused expression.

- I see no reason to suspect her. She has been very helpful. - Harry replied, trying to seem convinced.

Hermione crossed her arms, her eyes fixed on Harry with a determined look.

- Besides, she is also born a sucker, just like you. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have someone from Slytherin around. But don't worry, I know the reputation of the house is not the best. - He paused, as if expecting an argument.

Although it was not true that you were a "born sucker", the lie that you faced prejudice in Slytherin had a convincing effect on Harry. He believed it quickly, making his task easier.

- I just want you to be cautious. - Hermione insisted. - Even if she seems friendly, Slytherins have a reputation and, in my experience, it is always better not to let your guard down.

Despite Hermione's reservations, Harry continued to open up to you, but his interventions added a layer of tension to his plan. Maintaining Harry's confidence while dealing with Hermione's vigilance was a constant game of balance. Their meetings were planned to look spontaneous, always with a welcoming smile and an offer of genuine help. In each interaction, you calibrated your behavior to be useful and reliable, so that Harry did not suspect his true intentions.

[...]

On the night of that same day, the library was wrapped in an almost reverential silence, illuminated by the flickering light of the candles and the soft glow of the magic lamps. The tall bookshelves projected mysterious shadows, creating an environment that combined comminess and mystery. Harry Potter was sitting at a table, immersed in a thick book, but his expression showed distraction.

You approached with a calm and strategic posture, your clear goal. Harry was distracted, and you noticed a subtle glow emanating from his bag, which was partially open on the table. With a trained look, you immediately recognized Tom Riddle's diary, shining slightly under the light of the library.

- Harry! - You started, your soft and friendly voice - It looks like you're having trouble with this material. Do you need help?

Harry looked up at you, his expression mixing relief with a twinge of suspicion. He moved slightly away from the bag, as if unconsciously protecting the valuable object it contained.

- Oh, it's you. - Harry replied, a little surprised. - Actually, I'm having difficulties with it. I would appreciate it if you can take a look.

You smiled and leaned over to examine the book, your hand sliding discreetly in the direction of the bag. The diary was there, clearly visible through the opening. You tried to stay calm while adjusting your position, trying to get closer to the bag without drawing attention.

However, Harry seemed to notice the movement. His eyes fixed on his hand next to the bag and he hardened a little, his lips closing in a thin line.

The silence of the library was interrupted by a slight sound of something falling on the floor. Tom Riddle's diary, which was visibly exposed in Harry's bag, slipped from the opening and fell with a deaf thum on the tiled floor. The sound made Harry lean abruptly to pick up the object, his expression of concern quickly turning into tension.

He bent down and caught the diary quickly, his fingers squeezing the object firmly as he straightened. His eyes were now fixed on the diary, and there was a shadow of nervousness on his face. The tension was palpable, and he made a visible effort to hide the book in his bag carefully, trying to stay calm.

Taking advantage of the moment, you leaned a little further forward, watching the scene with a look of genuine concern.

- It seems that this is very important to you - you said, your voice loaded with a carefully calculated empathy. - What is this book? It seems to be causing a lot of tension.

Harry looked at you with an expression of surprise and discomfort. He hesitated for a moment, clearly struggling to decide how much to reveal. The shadow of distrust still hovered in his eyes, but the sincerity in his tone seemed to have created a gap.

- It's just one... a personal item. - Harry replied, his voice a little hesitant. - It's nothing to worry about.

You gave a slight understanding smile, trying to soften the situation and keep gaining your trust.

- I Understand. Sometimes, we all have things that we prefer to keep to ourselves. - You said, tilting your head in a friendly way. - But if you need someone to talk to or help with anything, I'm here for that.

Harry seemed to relax a little, although there was still a pinch of caution in his eyes. He clearly appreciated the offer of support, but was still struggling to balance trust with distrust.

- Thank you. - Harry said, his tone a little more relaxed, but still careful. - It's good to know that.

You took advantage of the moment to take a step closer, but without invading his personal space.

- No problem, Harry. The truth is that I'm here to help, and I hope we can work together to overcome any difficulty. - You paused, watching him carefully. - If you need anything, especially if the book is causing problems, know that you can talk to me.

Harry gave a slight nod, his gaze still a little cautious, but grateful. The diary, now again hidden in the bag, seemed to be a source of great concern for him, and his answer indicated that he was starting to open up a little more.

As you walked away, a feeling of satisfaction and relief mixed with the awareness that distrust was still present. Every step towards Harry's trust was a victory.

[...]

The next day, Hogwarts was immersed in an atmosphere of expectation. A timid sun filtered through the windows of the Great Hall, casting soft rays of light on the students' tables. The murmuring conversations and the usual clamor were interrupted when an urgent announcement echoed through the corridors.

Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley were summoned to the Flitwick professor's room due to an unexpected situation: the House's Academic Performance Report was severely outdated and there was an alarming discrepancy in the grades of several students. Hermione, known for her perfectionism and dedication, was immediately involved in solving the problem, while Ron, although initially reluctant, was dragged into the task due to his friendship with Hermione and his desire to help her.

The situation was carefully orchestrated by you. A quick manipulation in the academic records and a subtle error in the calculations had been enough to create a distraction that involved Hermione and Ron for several hours. The confusion generated and the need to correct the data urgently caused them to focus intensely on the task, leaving Harry Potter alone and unprotected.

With Hermione and Ron busy, you saw the perfect opportunity to get closer to Harry. The day was clear and calm, and the library was almost deserted. Harry was sitting at one of the tables, studying alone, his concentration interrupted only occasionally by looks of concern.

In the following hours, you adopted a meticulous surveillance strategy, remaining discreet and observant while following Harry Potter's movements. At every moment, you him through the corridors of Hogwarts, keeping a safe distance so as not to raise suspicions. His goal was clear: to wait for the right moment to intervene and ensure that he could follow Harry's footsteps for Tom Riddle's diary.

The library, where you were often nearby, became your observation post. On some occasions, you infiltrated the common areas and spent time in strategic corridors, always with a watchful eye on any sign that could indicate the boy's plans.

It was on a particularly quiet afternoon, while you were leaning discreetly against one of the walls of the corridor near the women's bathroom, that something caught your attention. Harry was alone, his hesitant steps echoing down the deserted corridor. He seemed to follow a voice that no one else could hear, an expression of curiosity and confusion on his face.

The scene aroused your interest immediately. Harry approached the women's bathroom with a fixed look, almost hypnotized, following the inaudible sound. This place, in particular, carried an emotional weight for you. It was the same bathroom where you and Tom Riddle had spent intimate and secret moments during your youth. It was also the entrance to the Secret Chamber, a vital place for his plans.

You hid in the shadows, watching carefully as Harry stood in front of the bathroom door. He hesitated for a moment, looking around as if trying to understand the origin of the voice that called him. His heart beat faster when he saw his interaction with the family environment. The old walls and dusty mirrors looked like silent witnesses of the past, preserving the secrets and history of his love with Tom.

Harry entered the bathroom, and the door closed smoothly behind him. You knew that could be the moment you were waiting for.

With your mind boiling with excitement and a renewed desire to achieve your goal, you waited patiently. The anticipation of finally being able to recover his beloved Tommy and the certainty that the moment was approaching filled his heart with a mixture of hope and anxious expectation.

After a few minutes, you decided to follow Harry. Entering the women's bathroom, nostalgia enveloped him when he remembered the moments shared with Tom there. Each step he took brought her closer to the achievement of his goal. Harry's presence there meant that something important was about to happen, and you were determined to ensure that the plan to bring Tom Riddle back was realized.

You moved forward, your breathing controlled, moving with the grace and caution of a predator. When he entered the bathroom, he saw Harry standing in front of a sink, murmuring words that activated the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets. A smile of satisfaction appeared on his lips. The way was open, and you were ready to follow Harry and recover the diary that meant so much to you and Tom.

Harry looked around one last time, then disappeared through the secret entrance. Without wasting time, you followed him, descending through the depths of the Secret Chamber, each step bringing you closer to your final goal.

Nothing could stop you from bringing your boyfriend back, not even the famous Harry Potter. After all, you had promised Tom eternity together, and you were willing to do anything to fulfill that promise.

With the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets open, you followed Harry carefully, keeping yourself in the shadows so as not to be detected. The narrow passage widened as they advanced, revealing a path of stones flanked by statues of imposing snakes. The air was humid and cold, and the smell of mold impregnated the environment.

The tension increased with each step. The statues of snakes, with their eyes fixed and mouths open, seemed to watch you as you advanced. The dim light reflected on the damp stones, creating a gloomy and mysterious environment. In the background, an immense sculpture of Salazar Slytherin's face dominated the space, his stern gaze seeming to judge anyone who dared to enter that sacred place.

You stayed in the shadows, watching as Harry approached the center of the chamber. His heart beat faster when he saw Gina Weasley lying on the floor, apparently unconscious. Harry ran to her, kneeling next to her and trying to wake her up with evident despair.

- Gina! Wake up, please! Gina!

You saw the frustration and fear in Harry's eyes as he insisted that Gina wake up. He shook her slightly, trying to resuscitate her. But before he could make any progress, a familiar voice echoed through the walls of the chamber, making his heart jump.

- She's not going to wake up.

You recognized the voice instantly. It was Tom Riddle, or rather, a projection of his youth. He emerged from the shadows, his imposing presence and cold look fixed on Harry. Time seemed to stop as you watched the scene unfold, the presence of Tom filling the camera with a sense of power and authority.

Harry stared at Tom with a mixture of confusion and determination.

- Tom... Tom Riddle. - Harry stuttered. - What do you mean she won't wake up? Is she...?

- She's still alive, but by a thread. - Your acquaintance and beloved Tom Riddle was finally there.

Tom's footsteps approached Harry, who stared at him with a certain fear.

- Are you a ghost?

- A memory preserved in a diary for 50 years. - Slytherin corrected it.

Tom noticed Harry's wand fallen and picked it up. Harry still seemed worried about Gina, a little distracted to realize.

- She looks cold. Tom, and the basilisk? - Harry looked up and noticed his wand in Tom's hands. - Return my wand, Tom. - The boy used an authoritarian voice.

- Why? You won't need it. - Riddle replied simply.

- Look, we have to go. We need to save her. - Potter insisted.

- I don't think I can do that, Harry. - He paused. - While Gina gets weaker, I get stronger.

It was at that moment that you decided to get out of the shadows. Harry, surprised to see you there, tried to position himself to protect her.

- Y/N, get out of here! He's dangerous! - Harry shouted, the concern evident in his voice.

But you just smiled and took a few steps towards Tom, ignoring Harry's warning. Her eyes fixed on the familiar and beloved face, Tom's expression softening slightly when recognizing her.

- Y/N? - Tom murmured, a mixture of surprise and recognition in his voice.

You nodded, the emotion evident in your eyes.

- Tom... Finally. - you said, the voice choked. - I spent 50 years looking for you, waiting for this moment.

Harry watched the scene, just shocked and confused.

- Y/N, what are you doing? He's trying to hurt Gina!

Tom reached out, and you took it without hesitation, feeling the familiar warmth of your touch.

- Y/N... my dear. - Tom said softly, his eyes fixed on yours. - I missed you so much. Every second away from you was an eternity.

- You have no idea how long I waited for this. - You answered, the emotion overflowing as I hugged you.

Harry, still processing the revelation, was trying to find a way to save Gina and prevent Tom's plans. But Tom's presence by your side and his growing power made it clear that you would not let anything or anyone interfere in your reunion.

Tom held his hand firmly, his dark eyes full of determination. Harry, still trying to understand what was happening, took a step forward, desperate to save Gina and understand the situation.

- Y/N, that's crazy! He's dangerous! - Harry begged.

You looked at Harry, without showing regret, just firmness. Tom, with Harry's wand in hand, turned to you, a cold smile on his lips as if admiring her.

Harry, confused and distressed, continued to look at you and Tom, paralyzed next to Gina's unconscious body. His expression was a mixture of shock and despair.

- Why, Y/N? How can you do that? - Harry managed to murmur, his voice full of frustration.

Tom gave an enigmatic smile.

- Harry, you can't understand. Y/N and I share a past that transcends any notion you may have. We were colleagues at Hogwarts, and our love was something deep and immortal. We made a promise of eternity that nothing and no one can undo.

Harry looked at Tom in disbelief.

- But... how did she not appear in the memories I saw? - Harry questioned, still trying to understand.

This time you answered coldly.

- Tom showed you only what he wanted you to see. There are many things you don't know, many hidden truths. I've always been by your side, even when you couldn't see it. - You pause, but then it continues. - Thank you for making things easier, Harry.

Tom began to resume his complete physical state, his presence solidifying as he again became an imposing and real figure. Harry, paralyzed next to Gina, watched feeling the failure on his shoulders.

_______________________________

masterlist

xoxo, bee 🫶🏼✨

[mmmmalo]

Do you have any thoughts on the super popular headcanon transgirl John?

Been pretty resistant to it, since it doesn’t seem to mesh with the idea of John seeking to merge with the image of Dad, which I’ve read as alternately realized in John becoming the Dad of a family unit and in his gay thoughts (for his Dad or others). But the fact that ‘merging with an image’ is an impossibility that requires interpretation to be brought into reality means there are some exploitable cracks in that position, which I’ll try to outline.

An acquaintance of mine once suggested that John’s dabbling in ectobiology (in Mom’s lab robes no less) constitutes appropriation of the feminine – on the grounds that the scifi trope of penis (bearers) creating life without vagina (bearers) should be viewed not simply as an aspiration to a (gender neutral) God-like capacity for emanation, but as a jealousy of the opposite sex. This would be one approach to June – to read the fantasy of reproduction via busting-out-ghosts (ie manbro bukkake theater) as necessitating a desire to embody feminine characteristics, and to proceed from there. 

But I’m also acutely aware that within the confines of heterosexuality, gay thoughts can entail positioning oneself as the opposite gender (in a “i would have to be a girl to like guys!” sort of way) – which is to say, John “i am not a homosexual” Egbert could potentially reconcile that statement with his attraction to men by identifying as a girl (even if that’s in tension with the identification with Dad that’s packaged with the attraction to men?) – but this is not necessarily the case, since depending on the configuration of John’s head, he could just as easily come to the realization that he does /not/ have to be a girl to like guys, and that his statement was a denial.

[Tangential: I read Nedry in Jurassic Park as being gay before (x) on the basis of his loading an embryo (amber mosquito) into a phallic symbol (shaving cream) and later being blinded by bukkake (poison spit), but for similar reasons as the above, I suppose trans woman is also a valid reading]

There’s also the matter of Nanna – that John’s birth entailed her mortal fall from the ladder could imply that John actually sees Nanna as the image from which he is descended (and thus seeks to return to), though this is in tension with moments that imply Dad is highest… likewise, since kernelsprites represent wishes, the existence of Nannasprite swings the pendulum towards identification with the feminine… while John’s association of clowns with Dad swings the pendulum right back again, perhaps suggesting Nannasprite as the reconciliation of the competing ideals. (Perhaps related to how Jane aspires to certain masculinized ideals while still viewing herself as a girl?)

More on that tension: on pages 48-50, John swings from vilifying the aromas of his nemesis Betty Crocker (Dad is actually the one who bakes, so the aromas are actually Fatherly?), to insulting Dad and the associated harlequins, to waxing romantic on transcendent Platonic Forms at the fireplace (above which sits the image of Nanna and her ashes). This is also the moment where John invokes pale fire snatching its light from the sun, which brings us to the Thief of Light.

It’s very interesting that Vriska interrupts a dream in which John nearly re-unites (ie merges) with (the image of) Dad. (And in the subsequent conversation no less, John reads Vriska’s elongation of his name as “June”) Could be related to John discussing how Dad is more of a half-brother than a father, while acknowledging Nanna as the true source? And thus the true target of aspiration.

Also interesting that Vriska acknowledges that John’s session is doomed to fail, in light of her seemingly representing John’s realization that he cannot (or does not want to?) become his father. Her insistence that he should try to win anyway (because winning is the only point of anything) also seems loaded in the context of the parallel discussion of ideals… likewise, John’s insistence that winning is still possible becomes an insistence that dreams CAN come true. Vriska manifests again as John muses on the desecration (and decaptation?) of his Con Air poster, upon which Nic Cage has become a sad clown… which relates to John’s ongoing disillusionment with Dad…? (Finding out that Dad was a boring businessman was a while ago though). Reminds me that the phrasing of ‘reunite with your loving wife and daughter’ can at once represent union with the masculine role of husband AND union with the feminine… so I’m lost again? Very possible that masculine/feminine is just an inadequate dichotomy, but let’s ignore that and press forward.

(I am skipping around re-evaluating the events surrounding conversations with Vriska at this point, since the circumstances of her intro seem to be a pivot)

…in John’s first conversation with Kanaya (after which Vriska manifests for the Remember Me date) is prompted by John preparing to send his gift to Jade, which I don’t know what to make of. However, the conversation dips into a discussion of Contact (need to watch), pivoting on the ambiguous reality of Jodie Foster’s vision of her Dad, which Matthew [horse-noises] has faith in – so we’ve returned to the topic of John musing on his own dreams of Dad, and everything that entails. That reminder is followed by perhaps the most damning exchange:

…which suggests that the applicability of John’s tangent is gender skepticism? But let’s return later to evaluate the resulting Vriska convo – I want to stay linear here. Vriska next manifests as John prepares to kiss Ghost Dad:

…after which Vriska mostly berates John for waiting around and not doing things when he’s supposed to, despite her being the very reason that he is forced to wait. This seems appropriate insofar as union with the Father also represents union with the divine will (in the Stoic sense), to which the Heir of Breath’s openness to suggestion is an end. So the confusion and frustration of Vriska’s orders constitutes an interruption of this fantasy of doing exactly what you’re supposed to do (ie what god/the player tells you to do), which is visually represented by Vriska preventing John from kissing Bill Cosby? I think… though since John’s present objective is to meet up with Nannasprite, I feel like the roles are blurring again… (even more so when Nanna reminds John that he is also sort of HER father)

John’s penchant for playing pranks on the bossy aliens who claim to rule him, submitting disingenuous words for them to repeat, is also a disruption of this supposed order… and/or John’s way of claiming the God-status for himself? Vriska makes the disruption of the way things are ‘supposed to be’ more explicit later when she berates John for initiating a conversation…

Anyway, the rest of this gets very rambly and speculative, so I’m placing it under the cut. Long, incoherent read.

The next “moment” that strikes me spans from 3386 to 3468, from John spotting the Hussie-Rufio kiss in the clouds to Vriska’s giant X-marks-the-spot. Crucially, these moments (emphasizing a father-son kiss and feminine anatomy) are bridged by Seek the Highbl00d – implying that that flash functions as an expression of John’s thoughts, just as Return to the Core was an expression of Jade’s thoughts. What follows is an attempt to make sense of the dream – I expect to fail in some capacity, but I will do my best.

3386: Hussie emphasize that Rufio saw Peter as a father-figure, so Hussie’s attempted revival involve bestowing the breath of life upon a son-figure. SMOOCH! (It bears repeating that the insertion of the divine breath into inert matter also has bearing as John’s self-conception as a video game avatar, animated by a divine will)

3393: The kiss appears in the clouds of Skaia above John, meaning that the thought of being kissed by his Dad is running though his head. He is transfixed by this image (for hours!)

3401: Since the instillation of breath into inert matter is often tinged with traces of necrophilia (corpsesmooch!) WV imbibing shaving cream “like the wind” seems like a euphoria tinged with sensuality, as though John leafing through his Dad’s wallet with a recently conferred sense of responsibility is akin to Terezi falling in red kool-aid (there’s no way he’s not getting off on this)

3410: WV compared buckling himself into the drivers seat to his (imminent) assumption of the title of mayor. The position of driver linked to a role of authority…

3414: …so as John takes off into the sky, we get another peak at the moment that Gamzee first declared himself God, to insinuate John similarly feels like he’s on top of the world. The SBaHJ complements this – John is riding his 4-wheel device into the sky (thus achieving unreal air) up to a cloud labeled clown (which is associated with fatherhood). John feels as though he’s achieved the ideal.

3419: The main takeaway from John’s conversation with Jade for me is that he is anxious about the idea of his Dad marrying Mom (jealousy?) and also anxious about idea of himself getting married… inclined to read this as John getting antsy about some of what (he believes) being an adult man necessarily entails, which here means getting wife. The comment about “a shipping grid made by an alien” strikes me as a tongue-in-cheek jab at heterosexuality as GOD’S PLAN, given John and Karkat’s previous conversation about Superman.

It’s also striking to me that the many of the cloud visions John describes were of Jade, if the idea that the clouds function as internal mirrors holds. I suppose the vision of Jade surrounded by frogs means he’s thinking of reproduction, even before he brings of romance… and Jade worrying about if the frogs are going in a cauldron is interesting, considering her infanticide motifs…anyway,

3420: John commented about discomfort at the Crosby tops blinking at the beginning of the Jade convo, and now that it’s staring me in the face I feel compelled to contend with it. I think… it’s sort of a call back to page 1, with John blinking and staring directly at the camera. The moment of locking eyes across the forth wall – the moment orders started entering the command prompt, the moment union with God (the player) started. I’m not sure if, looking at that blinking computer, John regards himself as the player or the played.

Anyway, Karkat has manifested, and he is terrified of Gamzee – John asks him what’s up, which in context of the above is a haunting echo of Gamzee’s first line, which then too functioned as a questioning of the nature of hierarchy. (“What /is/ up? What is authority? What is divinity?” - you have to read it literally) John makes WV stop honking the car in response to Karkat’s mortal terror of honking – not sure if this means John is the Gamzee figure, all the car beeps triumphant honks upon having ascended to the domineering position of godhood, or if John is Karkat here, experiencing terror of the various potentials of his ascension. Perhaps both, perhaps neither. Moving on…

3422: John contacts Karkat (again, reversing the way that trolling is “supposed” to work… I think John is the only kid to initiate contact pre-act 6?)… but otherwise I’m not getting a lot out of this conversation. The panel though, I will note, uses the arrangement of clouds from 4 panels prior to emphasize that John is heading towards and unseen castle. After the upcoming sequence, he will crash into a tree… suggesting that Seek the Highbl00d represents an end to whatever high John’s currently on?

3427: Karkat just took a fall down some stairs in response to the terror of a honk… which places him squarely on Earth instead of Heaven… (important only insofar as it establishes Gamzee as high and Karkat as low, for the purposes of this scene). Terezi manifests, poorly attempting to hide her excitement about murder (which makes sense, since murder!Gamzee originally manifested for Karkat?). This implies that Karkat’s own terror is accompanied by titillation… and retroactively means that John’s anxiety about sex masks an excitement that he regards as unbecoming?

Then Terezi honks – ostensibly, because Gamzee has claimed her glasses (leading Karkat/us to believe she has been killed). But the appearance that Terezi honked is perhaps equally important…? It’s as though the enthusiasm for murder which Gamzee presently embodies has possessed her, as she kissed Tavros’s corpse? (Worth noting that the depiction of her corpse-smooch directly preceded the Hussie-Rufio kiss, which John responds to by… getting in the car and honking a bunch, as he approaches the sky-image of a megalomaniacal Gamzee?)

3431: Things are getting weird now, and I’m starting to lose my grip on how this all relates to John. Quoth Equius, “Are you saying the highb100d has finally embraced his position atop the hierarchy” (in response to happy Gamzee murder times) – which in context suggests that this is well within what John considers the tyrannical rights of a father, somehow. Or of a God, I suppose – whatever you wanna call that-which-occupies-the-highest-rung….

Also, seeing as Karkat is manifesting for Equius, Karkat asking if Equius is still strong means Equius is questioning his own strength… why? The only context we get is that he is looking at Nepeta, and is somehow enmeshed in Egbert’s psychodrama…

CG: THE POINT IS, IF YOU SEE HIM, WOULD YOU MIND SNAPPING HIS STUPID WAND IN HALF OR SOMETHING? CG: AND THEN CHOKE HIM TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN SHITTY PRETENTIOUS SCARF.

Weird future-echoes of Equius’s death in Karkat’s words… the motif of Breath is definitely significant, seeing as the transmission of the animating breath of life is the key act of God here, and thus representative of total domination…? Whereas choking the breath out of someone would mean…?

I’m getting ahead of myself, perhaps.

CG: JUST DO WHAT I SAY, OK. CT: D –> I will 100k into it

An ominous note to end on, given that Equius’s willingness to combat orders from above is part of his conflict here.. but also, because of the motifs of self-alienation, orders from above /includes/ orders from within (ie urges)…? Or should I consider those at odds, in an id/super-ego kind of way? God I’m confused

3437: All I’ve gathered from Terezi’s proceedings  here (which lead into Seek the Highbl00d) is that she is projecting all of her concepts of criminal debauchery onto Vriska – which you could compare to all the absurd clown theatrics that John used to project onto Dad, but there’s no particular reason to privilege that at the moment…

I will admit that John’s fear of disillusionment (of the collapse of the ideal, the fall from the Pleroma to Earth) is giving me some confirmation bias which may be clouding/guiding my appraisal of the proceedings. I will try to remain openminded.

3438 (Seek the Highbl00d): Oh boy here we go

This is… something? Cats are a child symbol, so to call someone feline-obsessed is to call them baby crazy (see: Roxy). Earlier, John was “joking” about a desire to sink the Mom-Dad ship – and later, Bec Noir’s murder of Mom and Dad realizes the fantasy (Noir’s bloody footprints lead Rose to John, further implicating him as source). If Equius and Nepeta are doing parodies of eachother’s masculinity/femininity here, only to be brutally killed, could this be regarded as precursor…? But the deaths themselves bear no resemblance at all…

I guess the idea of Dad having Equius’s attitude of being SO PROUD that his son has finally decided to kill him for supremacy is funny to me (even more so, but I’m not sure that it checks out…

…okay, when Nepeta is checking out her shipping wall she emphasizes the role reversal in Karkat Gamzee so I guess that’s our focus here?

…for Nepeta to enter the grate placed along the wall of ships makes it as though she entering the wall, the unreal place where all the possible union are true? Or that could just be where the grate is

…Kanaya sliced the left most transportalizer, which prevents her from being followed, but also from going back where she came from. Gamzee’s “miracles” imply a child-like state of blissful ignorance – the announcement of a miracle at this juncture, along with Nepeta travel in the direction that Kanaya has marked as impossible, make it seem as though Nepeta is going into the past…? So the horror of what Nepeta sees in the final grate should reflect a (possibly falsified) rendition of the past?

…likewise the arrow fired into the chessman’s eyes seems to suggest being blinded by the light (also the motif with Rose jabbing her ogre’s eyes out), hinting that some horrible truth lies ahead.

The truth being that, like Equius, John finds joy not in domination but submission? Or the reverse, if Gamzee is the figure of identification…? Or if this is truly a look into the past, this would be how John has come to regard his own relationship with Dad? As brutal subjugation, and forced deference? Which he has nonetheless come to fetishize (as per Equius’s ecstasy)? (If this were absolutely a memory, it would not be outlandish to accuse Dad of sexual abuse, given how Equius looks like he’s giving Gamzee head while he’s being choked, as though Equius were actually gagging on a dick. But for lack of any other instance of this coming up, it seems more likely to me that John has eroticized otherwise normal interactions with Dad?)

…but then what of the death of Nepeta? Is her failed attempt to avenge herself upon this past also a part of the dream? Does Gamzee scarring himself imply and integration of Equius’s knack for taking pleasure in pain?

3462: …or rather, Nepeta’s death marks the exact point that we exit the dream, the car’s beeps one again replacing Gamzee’s honks. So it’s as though she was John’s eyes, preparing to die a second death at the hands of the patriarch, and the result is an awakening, and fall back to Earth (crashing the car again).

3465: Oh goody, Vriska’s manifesting in response to all of this as John arrives at the castle. Please enlighten me Vriska, I’m dreadfully confused.

3466: Vriska telling John he looks great with his hood up reminds me of Vriska telling him how great he looks in her clothes, making me wonder if the windsock hoodie is being construed as long hair. In which case, as per Egbert’s weird gendering of hierarchy, it’s possible that his ultimate refusal to consider upending the total authority of (his image of) Dad comes with the feminization of himself…? Hence Vriska’s current interjection.

3467: …the doubt and regret surrounding Vriska’s lifetime of murder is loaded in a way I am utterly failing to parse. I don’t think Homestuck ever painted aggression as a ‘masculine virtue’ or whatever so there’s no reason to take John’s vocal horror at the bloodshed as a feminine thing.

3468: X marks the spot…. why here, though?

…Vriska seems to be making the connection between violence and sexuality, both noting that the game selects players on the cusp of sexual maturity and contending that if Karkat hadn’t done such a great job of brokering the peace between teams, perhaps more of them would have god tiered…

Her observation that the dead-girl (Aradia) had John’s same laptop is ominous for some reason. I know the kids have a paranoia that they are in the Matrix, and that if the die/wake up, they will suddenly be real – but stuff like this always makes me paranoid that someone is /actually/ secretly dead, like Aradia. Hate that feeling.

…more likely that John views himself as metaphorically dead, as a mere hollow vessel before the divine will, and thus feminized before God? But my ability to parse all of this deteriorated like 20 pages ago.

3475: involves Vriska and John musing how alike they are in emulating their ancestors, for anyone who wasn’t aware that was a Thing

…and we’re done. Well that was pointless. Let’s go to the point were dead!John and Vriska go on a date. Vriska opens up with a reminder that she made John change close, then mostly teases John about how she will kill him, as John intermittently brings up Little Monsters.

Did you know that in Little Monsters, the tire swing is used to represent a noose? It’s like when Vriska accused John of being obsessed with her as he attempted to prototype Grandpa’s blue beauties… the undertone was that he was obsessed with death (through the medium of the crypto corpses). Which is, more characterization of the dead/vessel as implicitly feminine or?

…I’m not learning a lot going through their d8 again, but I sure am getting sad.

…Yeah I’m getting nothing, psychology-wise. We’re done here.

[polytheism-and-me]

As someone who doesn't believe in the necessity of a gender binary and as a queer pagan who doesn't believe that heterosexual love and/or marriage is the highest societal good so many people have tried to make it, I've been thinking about the marriages among the gods and how, more or less, uncomfortable I've been with the concept. Now obviously, our knowledge of what gods and goddesses are paired up comes from myth and these stories come from heteronormative and quite misogynistic (this can potentially be debated, but on the whole, women and feminine folks have been treated bad for a long ass time) ancient cultures. So, and this is a very broad question that I'm only using on the topic of marriage, but how do we reconcile ancient stories and thoughts with modern sensibilities and how do we go about honoring the gods and their truths in the process?

I've seen a lot of pagans take the fact that "so and so god" is married to "so and so goddess" at face value and there's an assumption that these marriages mirror human ones. That the point is for us to see proper marriage among the gods and do the same ourselves. But this seems simplistic to me and doesn't account for the fact that fidelity is expected in our relationships, but deities are constantly having dalliances. But then we also assume marriage is based on affection and love whereas the ancients included affection, but marriage was also political or of necessity or bargaining.

This is really easy to see in the marriage of Skaði and Njorðr. Their relationship is founded on a bargain, not on shared affection. And their's is truly a meeting of opposites. As I thought about it, nearly every marriage relationship among the gods struck me in the same way: a meeting of opposite sides of a spectrum. To the ancients (or perhaps more accurately the Christians who wrote their stories down) gender was 2 opposites, so it makes sense to represent this merging of 2 poles in a human way of understanding: namely heterosexual romance.

Skaði is the mountains, Njorðr the sea; Loki is chaos, Sigyn is order; Thor is the sky, Sif the earth; Frigga is the familiar, Odin the unknown. These marriages, during the middle of which we find our existence, shows us not the shallow ideas of what marriage is supposed to be, but instead the spirirual truths of living in this universe: everything is a spectrum to which there are 2 well defined ends but life and love and "something bigger than ourselves" transcendent meaning is found somewhere in the middle, in the multitude. That these ends are represented by a man/woman dichotomy is because that was easiest to understand and continues to be for most people. But there's more to it. A good while ago I received the upg that Frey and Tyr had a bit of a romantic relationship and only now as I'm thinking on the subject do I realize that it's because of this same phenomenon of opposites. Frey is peace while Tyr is war. But here the dichotomy is not represented by the quintessential god/goddess pair but rather by 2 male gods. So what's stopping it from being that way elsewhere? Nothing, as far as I'm concerned, except convenience. We live in a cisnormative and heteronormative culture so this is palatable to us.

But the gods can appear as they like, and they can be as they like. Freya schooled me a month or 2 ago when I saw a post where someone saw her as a transwoman. I sort of shrugged to myself and had half a thought directed toward Freya that "that's interesting but I don't see you like that at all", to which I received a divine sucker punch (Freya's preferred mode of conversation) and Freya's voice saying "I look and I am how I please". Thanks to the "different path, same mountain" type thinking that characterizes most new age/neo-pagan/etc thought, it isn't a revolutionary idea to say that deities appear in different ways to different people, but it's the paradox that intrigues me. That they ARE however they want or however they appear. The gods take any shape they want and it does not lessen them. Freya as falcon is still Freya as goddess. Freya is a ciswoman to me, but a transwoman to someone else, but a demigirl to someone else, but a man to someone else and the list goes on. Freya IS a ciswoman, IS a transwoman, IS a demigirl, IS a man. Despite some things being "opposite" she is them all and all at the same time because gods are paradoxes and damn beautiful because of it and EVERYTHING is a spectrum and heterosexual marriage is not always a window into mirroring the divine and the rules are made up and the points don't matter.

The gods are bigger than we can ever understand. Their relationships are more complex than we will ever grasp. Their stories have way more meaning encoded in them than any bard who first wrote them could comprehend. The gods are not stoic and unchanging figures. They are as dynamic and alive and changing as their worshippers (and even then some). The gods are queer in every sense of the word. Don't box them in or pin them down like dead moths cause as soon as you get a grip on them, they'll wriggle out of your grasp, twisting and turning like smoke.

[marta-bee]

I’ve been noticing lately a lot of crossover between the Sherlock and Tolkien fandoms. If we were just talking about BBC productions and the Jackson productions I’d see it easily enough -- Freebatch love does tend to transcend all boundaries. But what I’m noticing are book fans who are truly hardcore fans of both verses.

Which I love, no doubt! But it also really surprises me because the fandoms and the universes are just so different. Tolkien spent his lifetime building a really well-imagined but only half-published universe, working out the philosophical (and philological) underpinnings of the reality, and it apparently really bothered him when details in the published versions didn’t line up. Just look at the lengths he went to reconcile the stories of how Bilbo got the Ring in the first-edition Hobbit vs what he finally went with in Lord of the Rings. That means there are drafts upon drafts, canon, pseudocanon, letters to adoring fans and letters to publishers and just a very intimidating (but brilliant!) quagmire to wade into if you are so inclined.

And quite a few of us fans are, in the best way. Ask us whose Gil-Galad’s father one of these days, if you don’t believe me. Or (God forbid) just what Tom Bombadil is.

On top of which the fandom itself is actually pretty conservative, at east as I experience it. I don’t mean politically, necessarily (though there is that) -- there’s just this sense that JRRT cared an awful lot about the details, and most people I know in that fandom buy into the whole author-god idea in a way Sherlock (at least BBC Sherlock) fandom just... doesn’t. Working within what he would have approved of, given his perceived Edwardian and old-fashioned-for-his-times Roman Catholic background matters a good bit, too, and the fandom seems much less driven by romance, and much less accepting of slash in a lot of ways. (The Hobbit movie fandom is the exception here, I think.) Even in the Doyle fandom, there’s this sense that we don’t really need to mess with what Doyle says where it interferes with a good story -- that canon is more about added spice for zest than the structure we build the story around.

None of which is meant as a criticism of either group, believe me. I obviously am at home in both circles, nd I’m not the only one. But the overlap does strke me as a bit.... odd.

So: fellow dual Doyle/Tolkien-ophiles: what gives here? Any insight why so many of us are drawn to both worlds, other than their shared wonderfulness?

[pixelated-phenomena-blog]

Politicizing those swipes.

The growing digitized mediation of our pursuit for intimate relationships reveals how new media have come to permeate even the most personal aspects of our lives. Although human beings have utilized institutional, commercialized channels to seek and find love for centuries, the prevalence of digital dating today continues to be the subject of perplexing moral panic and speculation. This post will explore how dating apps such as Tinder and Grindr have come to solidify their place in shaping the modern dating scene. Furthermore, this post intends to politicize issues of representation and desire in digital dating realms; rooted in the idea that the personal and the political are fundamentally interconnected and that they play out in both online and offline spaces.

Current mobile dating apps offer a variety of functionalities that speak directly to the needs of the modern-day user; these include the use of algorithms, GPS parameters, and platform-specific systems that make the service easy and time-efficient to use (LeFebvre, 2017). Among the first smartphone-based dating apps was Grindr, a dating site specifically aimed at men seeking men that allows users to find others based on their geographical proximity. Tinder follows this format of location-based matching, but is more typically used by heterosexual men and women. In many ways, Tinder has changed the way users do online dating since the app was modeled after a deck of cards to feel like a game, purposefully moving away from preconceptions of digital dating (LeFebvre, 2017).

The historical antecedents of online dating reflect that institutionalized, commercial courtship is not a new phenomenon. For one, matchmaking for the purpose of marriage is a practice that has existed for centuries (Finkel et al., 2012). Upon the advent of modern newspapers, people placed personal advertisements pursuing romantic partners wherein the advertiser would provide a short description of themselves, the qualities desired in their ideal partner, and the nature of the relationship sought (Finkel et al., 2012). 

Similarly, early computers were used for romantic matching, but with limited success due to the lack of internet functionality at the time. Currently, online dating harnesses the full capabilities of the new technologies, with growing popularity in algorithm-based dating sites and smartphone apps, such as Tinder (Finkel et al., 2012). Evidently, humanity has a long history of appropriating media resources to help them find romantic partners; with the rise in digital dating being no exception. Despite the normal human need for intimacy and partnership that drives these innovations, digital dating was still perceived as “a last resort for desperadoes and creeps” until the turn of the century (Finkel et al., 2012: 12). Now, it is becoming more widely accepted and the use of dating apps is increasing exponentially, with the likes of Grindr and Tinder being accessed by over 1,5 million users per day (Duguay, 2017). Furthermore, a survey by the Pew Internet and American Life Project found that 57% of internet users feel that online dating sites are useful for establishing new connections, in addition to 23% of respondents reporting meeting their long-term partner through digital dating sites (Wotipka & High, 2016). These statistics reflect the general society’s steady destigmatization of digital dating as a valid mode of meeting romantic partners. Although, the prevalence of news articles that are driven by a moral panic about Tinder and hook up culture like this, this and this may lead one to believe otherwise.

Other social factors also contribute to people’s choices to date online. Barraket and Henry-Waring (2008) illustrate that time poverty and career pressures on young adults are impeding on their ability to meet new people socially; while digital dating allows one to initiate relationships beyond the scope of one’s day-to-day life. For most users, dating apps are attractive because of how they fit in with the user’s modern life, making them functional and easy to use (Hobbs, Owen & Gerber, 2017). Another advantage of digital dating is the “feeling of control” that users are afforded over their romantic and sexual lives (Hobbs et al., 2017). Moreover, users are given the sense of having more opportunities to find partners through dating apps. A large body of literature also addresses how dating apps enable users to exhibit negotiated representations of themselves by balancing the presentation of the true self with a more desirable self-representation (Hall et al., 2010). The lack of authenticity resulting from promoting one’s ideal self is often reconciled as a reflection of the user’s potential; indeed, their imagined future self (Hall et al., 2010). By presenting who one could be, instead of who one really is, it could be argued that digital dating platforms offer users a sense of anonymity and disembodied subjectivity that would not be possible with face-to-face interactions. It is also, however, linked to a common panic around online deception and inauthentic identities.

Common concerns about inauthenticity in online dating have even culminated in the cultural phenomenon of the catfish. According to Urban Dictionary, a catfish “is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances”. The term has been further popularized by the MTV documentary series Catfish, wherein hosts Nev and Max help hopeful romantic partners meet one another for the first time in real life after having initiated their relationships online. In most of the episodes, participants come face to face with partners who had used fake images of themselves, and/or lied about their work, home, personal and family life. In rarer instances, the partners are genuine. As a cultural text, Catfish reflects many of the anxieties that are still associated with online dating today. It broadcasts both worst- and best-case scenarios, which emphasizes that, to many, digital dating is still perceived as riskier than meeting people in real life.

Online spaces are often imagined by post-modernists as detached from the material world - where identity is diffused and disembodied - but Barraket and Henry-Waring (2008) argue that our virtual experiences are intrinsically linked with our physical selves. They suggest that “we do not define cyberspace as the domain in which bodies are universally transcended and subjectivities radically disembodied, but as a site in which embodied experience associated with the formation of intimacy, both online and face-to-face, is mediated” (2008: 154). Their conceptualization of digital spaces is congruent with Mason’s (2016): she goes on to caution that digital spaces are not innately transformative; but that they are often still saturated with real power inequalities. Essentially, existing hierarchies and power relations are often reproduced in socially mediated digital spaces, including the recreation of racial, classist, and gendered inequalities. Indeed, if our virtual experiences are fundamentally integrated with our embodied subjectivities, then surely the accompanying power politics that are enacted upon our bodies in reality may also be reproduced in the digital realm.

Many of the studies that investigate the dynamics of attractiveness, self-representation, and the probability of finding a partner through dating apps fail to address the sociopolitical influences that race and gender have on the experiences of dating app users. Acknowledging the prevalence of toxic masculinity on Tinder, for one, Hess and Flores (2012) conducted a study on how women navigate this unsafe space. Tinder is notoriously associated with promoting hook-up culture, which the authors argue is a deeply gendered phenomenon as it prioritizes men’s sexual pleasure over women’s. Hook-up culture also maintains hegemonic masculinity and exaggerated femininity through emphasizing the sexual prowess of men: such as the ideas of being on the hunt and seeing sex as a competition. The overt displays of misogyny that men perform on Tinder, consequently, are driven by larger heterosexist gender norms that exist offline. A notable case study that highlights these toxic masculinities on Tinder is exemplified on the Instagram page, Tinder Nightmares. This compilation of screenshots also shows how women on Tinder counter typical ideas of female sexual compliance and submission to men through both silence and witty improvisation.

It is also important to highlight the influence of racialized desire on hooking-up and online dating. Mason lists some alarming statistics to prove this: “Data from 2.4 million interactions on the Facebook dating application revealed that men self-identifying as black, white, Latino preferred Asian women. Self-identified Asian, white, Latina women preferred white men. Both black men and black women received the lowest positive response rates” (2016: 826). She also notes that on Grindr, it is not uncommon to see bios that read as follows: “no fats; no femmes; no Asians; no blacks; masc[uline] only; my age or younger; str8-acting; you be too; non-scene; and on and on” (Mason, 2016: 826). Essentially, racism tends to function as ‘preference’ or as neoliberalized choice on digital dating sites. However, this phenomenon should rather be understood socially, as the continued circulation of racializing bodies and desire through context and history (Mason, 2016). The very fact that black men and women receive the least positive responses speaks to the lasting legacy of colonialism, racism and the pathologizing of black sexualities. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Mason (2016: 827) frames whiteness as an accumulation of power. An example of whiteness as an aspiration is evident in the images from the Humanitarians of Tinder Tumblr account: it is a collation of how white users represent their cultural dominance, class and benevolence by adding images of themselves centralized in fetishized settings of poverty with people of colour to their Tinder accounts. Herein, black bodies are othered, exoticized and function as decorative props. These images also reflect racial fetishization and demonstrate the desire for moral whiteness to be conveyed in these users’ profiles.

Given the fast-paced and demanding nature of contemporary life, it is barely surprising that more people are turning to digital dating platforms to find romantic and sexual partners. This essentially speaks to humanity’s effective appropriation of new media technologies within the realm of our personal lives and enhancing relationships. This post examined some of the virtues and futilities of dating online as they pertain to our personal choices and wellbeing. Ultimately, many people still worry about potential issues of authenticity and deception jading their online dating interactions, as exemplified by the cultural phenomenon of the catfish. Moreover, this post argues that online dating exchanges are inherently politicized and must be understood socially, and in conversation with the materiality of our embodied subjectivities. Bibliography:

Barraket, J. & Henry-Waring, M. S. 2008. Getting it on(line). Journal of Sociology, 44(2): 149-165.

Duguay, S. 2017. Dressing up Tinderella: Interrogating Authenticity Claims on the Mobile Dating App Tinder. Information, Communication & Society, 20(3), 351-367.

Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. 2012. Online Dating: A Critical Analysis from the Perspective of Psychological Science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1): 3-66.

Hess, A. & Flores, C. 2016. Simply More than Swiping Left: A Critical Analysis of Toxic Masculine Performances on ‘Tinder Nightmares’. New Media & Society, 1-18.

Hall, J. A., Park, N., Song, H. & Cody, M. J. 2010. Strategic Misrepresentation in Online Dating: The Effects of Gender, Self-monitoring, and Personality Traits. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 27(1): 117-135.

Hobbs, M., Owen, S. & Gerber, L. 2017. Liquid Love? Dating Apps, Sex, Relationships and the Digital Transformation of Intimacy. Journal of Sociology, 53(2): 271-284.

LeFebvre, L. E. Swiping me off my Feet: Explicating Relationship Initiation on Tinder. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 1-25.

Mason, C. L. 2016. Tinder and Humanitarian Hook-ups: The Erotics of Social Media Racism. Feminist Media Studies, 16(5): 822-837.

Wotipka, C. D. & High, A. C. 2016. An Idealized Self or the Real Me? Predicting Attraction to Online Dating Profiles using Selective Self-presentation and Warranting. Communication Monographs, 83(3): 281-302.