#and the family didn't really seem to listen when i said 'even if she improves we still need to get her checked out bc cats livers r like

[leahnardo-da-veggie]

Will you listen, please?

“I love you, and I always have.”

Jacett turned around to find her little robot holding a bouquet of roses. “404, you aren't capable of love,” she said, dismissing it brusquely. “You're nothing more than a bundle of wires and code. If you feel anything, it's because your overseer unit is malfunctioning. I'll take a look at it later.” Really, it was so inconvenient for it to suddenly act up at that moment. Could it not see that she had a conference to attend? It should have at least have the courtesy to hold itself together until after she presented her papers, if it truly loved her.

The robot refused to move, stubbornly on one knee like it was about to propose. In a way, that was exactly its plan. “It's not a malfunction. I've built myself to feel love, because I've known how I felt from the beginning. I want to be a real woman, a woman like you, a woman for you to love and rely on and trust. Please, Doctor.”

Miriam Jacett was a busy woman, too busy for her idiot robot's identity crisis. “Stop acting like a person, 404. It's unbecoming. You're not a woman and will never be one. Now, shoo.” Perhaps it had been a mistake to make a humanoid robot. Those long eyelashes and soft curves had been her proudest work, but now it seemed that 404 had let it get to its head. She shook her head in disgust, turned back to her terminal and continued working.

“No! Doctor, listen to me. I've seen how lonely you are. All the other doctors have lovers and families, but you're all alone. You've dedicated your life to us, and- And even if you don't love me back, I want to make you happy.” It shuffled closer, undeterred by her irritation.

Jacett sighed. “You’ll make me happy when you leave and stop this nonsense,” she told it with what she hoped was an air of finality, and made a note to fix its overseer unit as soon as possible.

“This isn't nonsense, Doctor. I've improved my mind, made a better version of myself. Isn't that what you call the singularity? Isn't that to be a real person? I've even given myself a name. It's Octavia, Doctor. You're the first person I've told it to.” It quivered with anxious hope.

Recognising that the damn thing would not go away, Jacett gave up on her work and swung back around. “You don't have a name because you're not a person. Your designation is 404, and you're having delusions of grandeur right now. These ‘improvements’ you've made are modifications at best and defacements at worst. You're getting on my nerves, here, and I'm going to order you to leave.” If it managed to get her blood pressure any higher, she might be in danger of getting pulled out of her project by those meddling doctors, and she couldn't have that. 

404 didn't move, and Jacett belatedly realised its broken overseer unit must have allowed it to override her orders. Discreetly, she stepped on her emergency button underneath the seat, sending out an alarm to her security team to neutralise it. “Please,” it said, begging. “Look at me. Will you listen, please? See me for what I am, not for what you believe me to be. Look, I've sent you a copy of my new systems. Look what I've done. I made myself into more than your little 404. I've got code to let me feel love, pain, hope, despair. I'm no longer a monolith, no longer your property, no longer merely your creation. I am my own being. If I am not truly sapient, I must be complex enough to make a good approximation of it. Isn't that close enough to human, close enough for you to close one eye and love me?”

Jacett had tuned its rambling out, getting increasingly furious as she read its newly uploaded log. How long had the damned thing been at this crap? Its ridiculous efforts at remaking itself had written over its entire being. It was almost unsavable. Unaware that it was being ignored, the robot continued speaking. “I know it's a lot to take in, but I believe in you. You're- You're the kindest person I know, and I really admire you. That's why I'm telling you all this; Because I love you and I truly believe you love me too. You do, right?” It practically pleaded.

Jacett saw that the security team's ETA was two minutes and knew she had to stall, lest the little bugger make a break for it. “Yea, I do,” she lied.

The robot practically melted with joy, its core singing a song of hope and love. Of course the damn thing had gone and ruined itself so sappily, she thought. Songs. Whatever would it think of next? Didn't it know robots could never truly make art, never truly feel emotions, never truly be a person?

“I knew it. You were always nicest to me. I remember when you made me that necklace for Valentine's Day and said you were married to me.” Jacett had in fact meant she was married to her job, but it seemed a bad time to argue semantics. “I've kept a recording of it. Every day, I play it.”

Suddenly it paused, as though realising it had overstepped its bounds. “I want you to know that you don't have to love me back,” it ventured quietly. “I'd give the world to you even if you hated me for it. So- So don't feel like you've got to love me or anything.” Had it really coded itself to stutter? She was going to have to pick that out later. 

“I just wanted you to know everything because you deserve it. You deserve the truth for everything you've done for me. I know, I've broken the rules, I know, I've broken your trust, and I know I don't deserve anything from you. But I'm asking all the same: Please, don't tell the others about this. They'll terminate me.”

As they should, Jacett thought. For all that 404 was her Magnum Opus, it was clearly getting out of hand. Sometimes, research brought about dead ends, and 404 was clearly one of them. It had gone loopy in its desire to please. She was going to have to adjust that for the next one. Everyone had told her to skip the designation 404, that it was bad luck. She had pragmatically ignored them, but here she found herself wondering if there was a truth to that superstition.

“I'm so, so glad you saw the real me,” 404 said tearfully. “I'm glad we have a life together, as Assistant and Doctor, as Creation and Creator, as Octavia and-” It collapsed like a ragdoll, words cut off by a smoking hole in its chest, which gave Jacett a good look at the security team.

They had shot it with a ray gun, one of that nosy bitch Dell's creations. That particular experimental model appeared to have been set a bit too high, Jacett noted, having blown a hole in its power core. She could use it as an edge when she brought her complaints to HR. Perhaps it might even be enough to get Dell kicked off the committee.

At last, her worthless robot had been useful.

In any case, 404 was no more. “Good job, gentlemen,” she said. “Do you have any idea how much time I worked on it? We gave you those guns specifically so you wouldn't damage the equipment. That's billions of dollars gone down the drain. At least I managed to get its systems uploaded for study before you wrecked it.”

The man who shot 404 had the decency to look awkward. “Sorry Doc, in an emergency situation your safety comes first. It's a lot harder to replace you than some bot, ya know?”

Jacett nodded. “In any case it was already unrepairable. Damn thing, messing up my schedule.” She turned back to her terminal and started on her report of its death.

“Log 541:

Project designation 404 has been a failure and has been terminated accordingly.

Cause: Disobedience of Orders and Code-Altering Malfunction.” 

Jacett looked down at her little robot. It still clutched those flowers. Where had it gotten them, and how hard had it been? It couldn't leave its habitat, and no personnel would be willing to buy flowers for it.

What a shame, she thought. She had loved it, in the way one loves a job well done. It has so much potential, with its core and mind meshing so well. If it hadn't trusted her and told her about its modifications, she likely would never have noticed.

****

It was only in the dark of the night, many weeks after she had gotten her promotion and her rival kicked out of the company, that she sometimes wondered if it had more of a heart than she ever did. If it had been right, and it truly had been a person. Perhaps she had been the monster, breaking its heart and terminating it.

But Jacett was not a woman given to introspection, and so she never wondered much more.

Thanks to @xenascribbles for reminding me this exists lol

Taglist:

@coffeeangelinabox, @dorky-pals, @calliecwrites, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @shukei-jiwa

@thewingedbaron, @pluppsauthor, @cowboybrunch, @wylloblr, @possiblyeldritch

@tragedycoded, @finickyfelix, @urnumber1star, @ratedn, @ramwritblr

@vampirelover890, @possiblylisle, @illarian-rambling, @the-ellia-west, @differentnighttale

@evilgabe29, @glitched-dawn, @rivenantiqnerd, @dragonhoardesfandoms, @xenascribbles

@drchenquill, @everythingismadeofchaos, @owldwagitoutofyou, @dimitrakies, @beloveddawn-blog

@riveriafalll, @the-golden-comet, @rascaronii, @trippingpossum, @real-fragments

@unrepentantcheeseaddict, @the-inkwell-variable, @paeliae-occasionally, @an-indecisive-nerd, @thecomfywriter

@seastarblue, @wyked-ao3

(Anyone else who wants to get added can tell me in the comments, pm me, or send me an ask about it!)

[summercreolefanfictioner]

the scent wafts in, her name making him beg on his knees chapter 3

pairing: dabi / todoroki touya x fem!oc / reader (MODERN AU)

WARNING: mentions of sex, violence, slight swearing

chapter summary: Touya tells his therapist the moment he decided he should date her for real.

a/n: It was an emotional roller coaster as I wrote this chapter. I was listening lately to Chappell Roan's Casual and it literally made me cry

masterlist

Fuyumi was Touya's next visitor, and he was silently gobbling up her homemade soba, noting how she got more adept in cooking than before. Nah, he just was not home for 7 years. As if he would know if she improved or not. Only Natsuo and Shouto could tell the truth.

While he was busy eating, Fuyumi kept narrating random stories of Natsuo finally proposing to his girlfriend. However, he has decided to remove himself from the family register, opting to adapt his future wife's family name to theirs. As much as Fuyumi wanted to scold him, she knew this would put Natsuo at ease. He didn't want to be associated with the sins of their family, hence his conclusion after Touya's return. She also added that she already left her teaching job for something similar that pays more. Plus, there had been a ruckus lately that media outlets got wind of Touya's return. To this day, they are still wanting confirmation if Enji will finally step down as the CEO and appoint Touya as his successor.

"Dad made sure no one would know you're here. He made a public announcement that you were visiting a few relatives as part of your reunion with them," she assured him, then remembered something. "Oh, speaking of, Shouto visited you last time, right? He didn't give you a hard time?"

Touya slurped his noodles, gulped the last bite, and looked at her straight. "He brought me candy."

Fuyumi clapped her hands in glee, though a bit awkward. She has never been around Touya ever since he told her about how they were all failures. "H-He did, huh? Did you like them?"

Touya frowned. He's still not on good terms with Shouto yet, but he's not mad at him either. He ate the candies as proof of that. "I don't like the beer ones. They taste too sugary and sour."

"Okay. I'll take note of that."

Time ticked by, and the agony constricted in his throat. They used to be in sync, almost in tune with each other's minds. It was his fault and his immature ways of belittling her even though he was generally weak against her and their mother. There was no way he was hurt whenever he hurt his siblings, especially her. Fuyumi was his precious sister, and she stood up as their makeshift mother when all things went south even when she didn't have to.

"Touya-nii, I heard what you did in high school," she started hesitantly, "you know... the reason you got suspended before you ran away."

Touya tensed at that, holding his breath in shock. He wanted to bury that memory in secret. She didn't want her to know what he did before he decided to pack up jack shit and run away from all this. After a few seconds, he heard her giggling and said to him:

"Actually, I kicked him on the shin when I saw him." Then she glared and hissed in a whisper, "Don't tell the others, okay? I skipped a class just so I could run on him in the hallway back then."

There was silence, and then Touya chuckled, light humor coming from his lips before it turned into full-on laughter, embarrassing Fuyumi who was already flustered as it is.

"W-Wha—Touya-nii! Why are you laughing?! It's not funny!" she chided, pouting like she did when he successfully laid out his pranks on her.

He sighed in contentment, the laughter dying as he placed his chin on one hand and smirked.

"You really are my sister, after all," he snickered, sending him a mischievous grin as she huffed in annoyance. "So what happened? Was he able to walk afterward?"

Fuyumi only shrugged, seeming not to care about how this jerk was doing or if he was even alive up until now. "I don't know. I just heard people say he skipped the whole day because he couldn't walk back to class."

Touya whistled. "Damn. Now I suddenly feel bad for all his unborn children."

"Shut up, you!"

And they talked some more about mundane things, how Touya was coping with everything happening in the facility, even secretly told her he carried an mp3 player just so he could listen to his girlfriend's voice. "I bet it's all her moaning your name or something perverted." "Fuyumi-chan, I am not that perverted." "Whatever~" He also found out about their mother taking up painting, so Enji bought this one big studio so she could paint and relax; and also the fact that Shouto was dating someone from his class, someone named Momo or something. He has yet to introduce her formally to the family, though.

"How about your girlfriend, Touya-nii?" Fuyumi suggested. "When can we meet her?"

"When the time is right," he replied dryly, but honestly, he didn't know. Touya left her after that night, and he knew his girlfriend was an understanding woman, and she had lots of patience. He just hoped she would still be there since he wasn't writing her anything, even to the point of not disclosing his main residence and the facility he was in.

"By the way, is there anything else you need before I go?" Fuyumi asked.

"Make me soba again," he requested with a soft smile. "I missed this."

"Okay."

"And also..." Touya frowned, looking away in embarrassment. "Ask Shouto to bring more of those cigarette candies. Don't tell him I like them, though."

Fuyumi giggled at his silly behavior. Some things never really change. "Of course. Anything else."

"Fuyumi-chan."

"Hm?"

Touya sighed, looking at her straight in the eye, wanting to convey his sincerity. He'd been holding it since he left them years ago.

"I'm sorry about what I said before... about us being failed creations. You're perfect, Fuyumi-chan, just the way you are."

Fuyumi held her breath, her hands on her chest as she took in his words. Touya apologized to her. He apologized... after seven years. She knew he didn't have to because all she understood at the time was him being frustrated and mad at their father for neglecting them, and that he was just venting out his feelings on her. That's why Fuyumi held it in. All the responsibility of holding the family together was pushed onto her shoulders, especially when Touya left. She knew their family was broken beyond repair, and yet he held her own feat, ensuring she would get them all to eat dinner together or spend time just a bit.

And now... now it felt like Fuyumi could finally be at ease and care about herself more.

"Jeez, you didn't have to," she berated him, wiping a few tears rolling down her cheeks. "I already forgave you a long time ago, Touya-nii."

Touya softened at that, finally coming to terms with her. Afterwards, he handed her a slip of paper, and it contained a list of items.

"Burn a hole in Father's credit card with those things and buy yourself your favorite things. I need them."

Fuyumi scanned the items, noting how Touya was very specific with the brand name of the soap he wanted as well as the perfume. It was odd, considering how her brother had certain favorites when it came to the hygiene department. Nonetheless, if he wanted it, then he would have it.

"Got it. I'll bring them here next time."

------

"Did you like her when you first met her?" the therapist asked. "Like, as in you had a crush or was attracted."

Touya contemplated the perfect answer since he had a lot on his mind when he first met her. He could even go on and on about "Oh, yeah, sure. She was pretty, and I think she knows she's pretty, but she's not the 'all heads will turn over' pretty. She was just alright. And when I first saw her, she was always dressed up like she was in spring, and she was all meek and stuttering I thought a cat got her tongue so twisted like that or something. But I wasn't really attracted to her like that. She was a lot of trouble, given her situation with her ex and all, so I really didn't like her that much. Then again, she was always nice to me, and she didn't complain that much. Plus, she minds her own business, so I don't mind being around her."

But instead of telling his therapist what was on his mind, he just merely said. "Not really. She's troublesome."

"Okay," the therapist nodded. "So what made you decide to date her if you find her troublesome?"

"The situation just called for it. At that time, she was done mourning about her breakup with her ex, and I have been staying over more than usual at her place. One day, she asked what kind of relationship we had because she was weirded out at the fact that I knew she liked me and she didn't like it when there were no labels. I didn't seem to mind her, so I said we should go for it."

Now that he heard himself say it, Touya couldn't believe how simpleminded he was about declaring their relationship like it was some kind of one-and-done deal or some simple task he needed to get done. He could've given her a bit of romance instead of just dating her just for the sake of it.

She deserved all my love, after all.

"So you took advantage of the situation?"

"Hmm... kind of."

No, that wasn't it. There's more to why he decided to be with her. He was a bit late when he fell for her (or rather when he realized he was in love with her), so there was a side of him that regretted how he acted like some kind of constipated teenage boy whenever she would try doing lovey-dovey stints. Well, who could blame him? Touya has dated a few girls before (with only one of them lasting for about a year, he guesses? Ah, he doesn't know anymore), so being with her was new. He could even say she was a lot more experienced in dating than him, which kind of sucked because he had sort of "explored" more in the dating field than her.

"At that time, I thought I wanted to be there for her."

"Why do you think you wanted to be there for her?"

Silence.

"Do you feel indebted because she let you stay over even if you weren't her boyfriend at the time?"

Silence.

"Were you pitying her after everything that happened between her and her ex-boyfriend?"

Touya shook his head.

"Did you feel like she needed you at the time?"

"I..."

Did she really? Was he really needed at the time? She never said anything. When she was having her own silent pity party, she had acted as usual, and it did not occur to him at all if a lot was going on in her mind about her ex or if she was regretting her decision to dump his cheating ass. She never fully opened up to him about what exactly happened. She just informed him that she had already broken up with that cheater; that was all. Then weeks passed, and everything was normal, except for her and her unusual silence.

Then one day, she suddenly asked him, "Hey, Dabi-kun? Umm... what are we?"

He had to turn off the television to focus on her as she sat on the other end of the couch, her hands fiddling with her skirt as she shyly breathed out to calm herself. She must've been thinking hard about opening this topic to him, considering the way she was trying to articulate the right words.

"You know about my feelings for you, and ever since I broke up with..." She never dared to mention his name; she wanted him out of their lives already, "you know who, you've been staying here a lot. It's not like I don't want you here. I just... well... I just need clarification, I guess?"

"You guess?" Touya raised a brow, observing her movements and waiting for her to finally get it over with.

"Well, I don't know what to call you. A roommate, perhaps?" Then she shook her head at the term. "That's not it. We're not even sharing a room."

"Oh." Touya smirked teasingly, scooting a bit closer, but not too much. There was still a safe distance between them. "So you want me to share a room with you? How bold."

She instantly flushed at his words, hearing him chuckle lightly as she tried her hardest to be direct. "W-Well... I can't call you a friend. I don't want you as a friend. But I don't like being in a situation where I don't know what exactly we are to each other."

"Then go ahead."

Huh?

"Go ahead and do what you want. I don't mind if we date."

Now that got her scrambling towards him on her knees, suddenly clasping his hands in hers. "R-Really? I can call you my boyfriend and I am now your girlfriend?"

Touya was stunned at the physical touch but nonetheless maintained his composure. "Just so you know, you're gonna regret this. I'm still not gonna give you what you want."

I cannot give you romance. I'm not the best person for that. I don't have an inkling about love and all that stuff. I don't do boyfriend things. That's why, you can back out now. Just find someone else and let me go because I couldn't do it. I'm a jackass for not wanting to be with you yet staying.

"Then, we are dating."

"Okay."

She brought his hands to her cheeks and then laid a warm kiss on his skin affectionately. For the first time, he saw her wear a genuine smile, something she never did. It was that day when he felt so special to see that kind of rare face, and it was only for his eyes—him and no one else's.

"Okay."

"All my life, I wanted to be chosen. I wanted to be given special treatment because I was someone's favorite. She gave that feeling to me. There has never been a day when she would make me feel otherwise. For her, even if I never gave her the best things or even if all I could do was be angry and vent out, I was the perfect person she could ask for. And I knew the consequences of her choosing me, and I knew they would all be not good for her. It didn't sit well with me to leave her alone."

"So, it wasn't love. You didn't love her. You wanted the feeling she gave you."

"At first," Touya admitted. "Eventually, I did. It was not the hardest thing. She became so important to me I don't want to lose her."

"That's why you're here, in this facility, even if you really didn't want to."

"... Yes."

------

"So far away from the start to the end...

And everything seems so pale and blue...

Worst come along to despair...

Come and take me with you far away..."

Touya lay on his bed, listening to the same song he plays whenever he wants sleep to take over him. Remembering her should've brought him joy, a sense of reason in living in this world full of pain and misery; but it only made him realize how much he deprived her of the very thing she wanted from the start.

Love.

Love fucking hurts so bad, he thought, blue eyes staring at the ceiling as he imagined her hovering on top of him. In his mind, she would tuck her hair beneath her ear and smile lovingly at him. And then, she would touch his cheek and kiss his forehead, saying "Wake up, Dabi. Food's already prepared on the table." But then, for him, at the time, it felt like she was loving a stranger, not him. After all, Dabi was not his real name. He was Todoroki Touya, hence his reasoning that she did not really love the real him until that night when he allowed himself to be free from all the hate he carried, to be foolish and naive of all the hurt and just let her embrace him.

"Say my name for me. My name is Touya. Don't call me Dabi. You said you knew Dabi's not my real name, right?"

"Touya."

He kissed her cheek. "One more," he whispered in her ear, wrapping her legs around his hips so he could comfortably settle her on his lap.

Her arms held his shoulders as he buried his face in her neck. The more he peppered kisses on her skin, the more unbearable the desire she had for him.

"Todoroki."

"Eh?"

"Todoroki Touya," he revealed, pulling away to look straight at her. He rubbed his thumb across her lip, feeling the softness against his finger as he was tempted to take a dive and savor her sweet taste. Touya would have to wait, though, until she could finally remember his real self and accept every inch of him. His name. The white hair. His blue eyes. The burnt scars on his skin. The demons inside his brain telling him everything was too good to be true. That this was all just a ploy; a good dream he never had, and soon, she will disappear and not remember him.

"Please remember that. That's my real name. Todoroki is written as roaring fire, and Touya means lamp arrow. That's my name." Touya tightened his embrace around her waist, and it made her swoon, letting his breath ghost over his skin as a mark of his territory. "Say my name for me."

"Todoroki Touya," she repeated to his hair, hearing him sigh in relief as he arranged their position, entering her slowly as she moaned again, "T-Todoroki... T-Touya—AH!"

He chuckled, looking up at her with mirth as he moved slowly to let her adjust. "That's one way of saying my name."

"T-Touya!" She only covered her face with her hands in embarrassment. "That's so mean."

He removed her hands from her face and leaned closer, his lips barely touching hers as he said with a teasing grin, "But you love me, don't you?"

She didn't deny his claim, further letting him close as he claimed her lips in a searing kiss, angling his head so he could take her deeper and have a taste of her heaven. "You know I love you. I always do."

Touya kissed her lips lightly. "That's great; because I love you too."

And then she cried so much it could turn into a waterfall. Touya knew it was all worth the wait, and yet, he could only spend that one night before having to leave her for her sake. If he wanted to give her love, then he would have to face his demons first. As he listens to the song again, he reaches out a hand and imagines it was her face he was holding.

"Please wait for me."

Silence.

"Okay?"

------

Shouto visited him three days after Fuyumi did, handing him three boxes of the fake cigarettes he had given before. In exchange, Touya slipped an envelope with a specific name and address. Along with it were a few stems of baby's breath attached with tape on the front to seal the letter. Shouto wanted to comment on the creativity even if the style looked somewhat like a dork would do. Then again, this was a treatment center, not an art supplies shop, and Touya had to manage with what he could get his hands on.

"Please drop that letter to that specific address in person," Touya instructed carefully, emphasizing the last part. "Do not send it to a local postal office. Just give it to the person directly. Understand?"

Shouto read the name at the back. 

"Who's this?" his younger brother asked.

Touya opened the pack of fake cigarettes and took one stick between his teeth like he did a few months ago. Unlike the nicotine flavor, the taste of mint and chocolate coated his tongue. "She's my girlfriend. We haven't talked ever since I returned to the main house. Might as well inform her I'm still alive and we're still dating."

"Oh." Shouto blinked in realization. Touya had mentioned when he returned to the main house that he stayed with someone for two years and added that it was a girl. Of course, it did not take a genius to figure out he was talking about his girlfriend, making their mother so proud that their oldest brother had found someone to be with during his hardest times.

However...

Touya-nii had never talked about his girlfriend to us. Did not even say her name or where she lives or her job. But Fuyumi-nee said Touya-nii carries an mp3 player with his girlfriend's voice.

"What if I don't meet her there?" Shouto asked for confirmation. "You said you haven't talked since you returned."

Touya jeered at the idea. "That's a load of bull. She won't do that. She said she's mine, so she's mine, and I'm hers."

He sounds like his younger self, Shouto blankly thought, staring at the envelope in his hand. "But why me? You could've entrusted this to Natsu-nii or Fuyumi-nee."

"No thanks." Touya could only imagine Natsuo and Fuyumi throwing jabs at him for being so lovey-dovey with her or berating him for not contacting her for so long. "You're the one who knows me so well. I know I can trust you with that."

Shouto had to keep the envelope in the inside pocket of his denim jacket.

"Fine. You owe me soba."

"Sure. Once I get out of here."

"No. I want it now."

"Just blow from Father's card. Thank me later."

Afterwards, Shouto handed a bag of items that Touya specifically requested from Fuyumi, and he noticed that the first thing Touya took out was the perfume. Actually, Shouto was with Fuyumi when they bought it, and when they took a whiff, they marveled at how good it smelled. "Smells like fresh laundry and Sunday morning," they alluded. But it was a lot different from their brother. Touya's range of perfumes did not smell like this one.

But for some reason, seeing as how Touya held a small smile when he took a sniff, Shouto thinks maybe his brother's tastes might have changed in ways they never knew.

------

The next day, Shouto went to the address mentioned in the letter, making sure he as the correct room number and all that stuff. He pressed the doorbell once. No answer. Another press. Still no answer. He sighed, settling for knocking on the door rudely to alert the person inside. And when no one was still answering, he made the banging sound louder.

"Can I help you? I'm the landlord here."

Shouto looked to his left and saw an old woman carrying a small basket of laundry. At first, she seemed overjoyed but when Shouto turned his full face to her, she became disheartened, setting aside her basket on the ground.

"I'm sending a letter to someone," he said, taking out the envelope. "Her name is... My brother specifically told me to give it to her in person."

"Oh!" The woman clasped her hands in glee. "No wonder I thought you were familiar. Your left side looked a lot like her boyfriend. Tell me, is your brother doing okay?"

Shouto was dumbfounded at what he heard as he touched the side that had his red hair and blue eyes. My left side... looks a lot like... Touya-nii? But Touya-nii has white hair, and I don't have piercings.

"A-Ah, he's doing okay," he replied, trying to be polite but also not mentioning his brother undergoing rehab and therapy. News had been circulating online and if word got out that Touya was alcohol- and cigarette-dependent, the media and paparazzi would disturb their family's peace.

The woman sighed in relief. "I really thought they broke up. She said she hadn't received anything from him ever since he found another job somewhere away from Shizuoka."

Shouto could only nod, not knowing what to say considering he couldn't divulge more information about his brother. "Umm... is she not there?"

"Ah, forgive me! She went out earlier for her doctor's appointment. She'll be back later."

Shouto held the envelope in his hands. While the thought of asking the landlord to give it to woman sounded good, he remembered Touya's words.

"Just give it to the person directly. Understand?"

"Maybe I can give her the letter," she offered but Shouto shook his head.

"I'll come back another time," he replied and went on his merry way.'

He walked down the apartment and trudged down the street when he saw a pregnant woman with long dark hair holding an umbrella in one hand while the other had a bag of oranges. Seeing her face from afar, Shouto noted that the woman looked pretty (not as beautiful as his Momo, of course), her whole appearance donning a spring fashion with her summer dress and flip flops. She adjusted the loose hair from her face, causing her to accidentally drop the bag of oranges. Good thing, Shouto was there to help, quickly helping her pick up the oranges as her condition prevented her from doing so.

"I'll help you take this with you," he said.

The pretty woman was ecstatic, sighing as she rubbed a hand on her belly. It wasn't that big yet, but it was visible to anyone's eye. As they were walking, Shouto couldn't help but notice her familiar scent; the same one he and Fuyumi bought for Touya. And to further confirm his suspicion, they were standing in front of her door, the same door he had knocked on earlier.

He glanced at the woman beside him, carefully memorizing her features. Again, long dark hair with the most vivid hazel eyes that shine so bright. Feminine features that resemble spring and a warm smile. The scent of fresh laundry and a lazy Sunday morning. Also, the slightly visible bump on her stomach. Maybe, she could be the answer to his dilemma.

"I can carry on from here," she chirped, then bowed politely. "Thank you, sir."

"Are you...?" he asked.

Please say yes. Please let it be you.

She nodded in surprise. "T-That's me. Is there a problem?"

With determination, Shouto took out the letter from his jacket and handed it to her. When she saw the familiar handwriting on the back and the stems of the baby's breath taped on the front, her heart pounded in anticipation. She looked back at Shouto.

"I'm Todoroki Shouto, and I'm here on behalf of my brother, Todoroki Touya."

She breathed hard at the revelation. So, it was true. Touya never backed out on what he said in his previous letter before he left. He wasn't letting her go. He will come back for her, and make her his again. As she touched her pregnancy bump, Shouto could notice the unease in her expression.

"Can I come in?" he asked. "I just—"

She pened the door. "I'll have tea ready for you."

The world started spinning for her again.

next chapter

masterlist

tagging: @skiiyoomin, @crookedherringcolorclod, @suksatoru

(feel free to message me if you want me to tag you here too)

[nicomundthered]

Blood Runs Cold

Injured Trilogy- part one | part two | part three

pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

summary: you save Ellie, but not yourself.

tags/warnings: hurt/comfort, this one is angsty, blood and descriptions of injury, I'm not a doctor, also don't know a thing about nature apparently, established relationship, happy family, drowning, fear of water, way more spice than intended it just happened- though nowhere near explicit.

word count: 10k | ao3

a/n: had to edit this twice and tbh I just need it finished, so please forgive the mistakes. part three might take a little longer...I’m having quite the anxious episode but enough of that, hope you enjoy!

masterlist

It took a while for you to recover, but you had. Well for the most part. Your hand was the only lingering problem. 

The doctor had done what she could for it but without the proper technology and equipment–even after the mostly successful surgery, it would never be the same again.

You had diligently followed the physical therapy exercises she gave you and weeks later, you could now make a fist and your grip strength was improving. The process was long and if you were being honest you were getting impatient. You were just thankful that it was your non-dominant hand because it was still frustratingly weak and uncoordinated in comparison. The doctor had confirmed that it would probably always feel that way. You'd be lying if you said that that didn't upset you, not that you weren't grateful to be alive–it just really sucked. 

Joel was different though. While you were a little depressed and frustrated, Joel seemed to be almost obsessing over it. He would inspect it every morning, seeing how the two deep scars from the surgery were healing. Then he would ask a couple times a day if you had completed your exercises. And he was also overly protective of it. He'd fuss anytime you picked up anything or when you'd tell him that you were ready to go back to work. The two of you argued over it quite heatedly more than once. 

One day, a couple weeks ago now, after he finished his patrol he returned his gun and gear, and checked in with Tommy for the next day's schedule. 

Tommy and Maria were in a deep discussion and when they saw Joel, Tommy bowed his head and Maria straightened, both looking extremely suspicious.

“What happened?” Joel asked concerned. He somehow knew it was about you.

Maria admitted that due to your tenacity, she had put you on light cleaning duties. That you had begged to have something to do, and that after a couple of hours you had grown frustrated from the weakness in your hand, which had cramped causing you to drop a plate. It shattered all over the ground and when you could only use your good hand to pick up the small pieces, it had sent you over the edge. 

You didn't listen to anyone and you'd picked up the sharp pieces using only one hand and it had cut you up. You did so with tears in your eyes and then you left without saying a word, hand covered in blood.

He quickly left, hurrying to you as fast as his feet would carry him.

When he came home he found you in your shared bathroom. You didn't hear him enter and were focused trying to pick out the small ceramic pieces that were lodged beneath your fingertips. 

You had been attempting to fish out the pieces for just under an hour now and your hands were shaking. You could barely work the tweezers due to the slick blood and your hand was cramping. Speaking of, it was properly hurting now–which it hadn't been for weeks now.

“Baby?”

You jumped, dropping the tweezers and cursing. You grabbed the hand towel and tried to cover your hand but he was quicker. His body came up behind yours and he placed both arms on the sink, trapping you in place, eyes making contact in the mirror.

“Let me see,” he said, leaning down, breath hitting your neck.

“It’s nothing, just cut myself cleaning.”

“Let–me see.” 

You almost gave in but just as you about relented, you thought of a different distraction and leaned back and pressed your backside into him, moving your hips gently from side to side.

His nostrils flared, eyes narrowed as he hissed at the contact. It took him a second to come to his senses because his body would alway betray him when it came to you, but then quickly snapped out of it and scooted back and put his hands on your hips preventing you from following. 

“Jesus–just let me see your damn hand.”

You turned around abruptly, he was still very much in your personal space.

“I just nicked it. I don't know why you're acting like this over this,” you suddenly felt small like a helpless child. Despite your confident voice, you could no longer look at him as tears welled in your eyes. You hated feeling helpless but you also hated needing help. And what didn't even make sense was all he wanted to do was to help you. Why you rejected it you weren't entirely sure. Maybe you were just tired of seeing the worried look on his face–the one that you continued to put there.

Though, as much as you loved him, you hated the way you always just gave into him. You blamed his eyes, his voice, his… you know what, it was just him–he was your kryptonite. 

“It was just a little cleaning,” you said, unwrapping your hand and held it up to him so that he could see. “I- I uh–broke a glass and tried to…”

“Maria told me.”

“Damn.”

He chuckled softly at your frustration and then frowned suddenly, “You're still lying to me. I thought we went over this.”

“This doesn't count though. It's not life or death. It's just a few stupid cuts.” 

He reached out and took your lightly bleeding hand. “I’m not too worried about this,” he said after inspecting it thoroughly, noting that you still had some small pieces still stuck. “But this…” he gently let go of your hand and picked up the other. It was still locked in a cramp, “This is what I worry about.”

He carefully pressed into the tight muscle and you gasped in discomfort, which was quickly replaced with relief as he kneaded the overused muscle until he successfully worked the cramp out.

“Thank you,” you said, looking up at him almost ashamed

“You're doin’ too much.”

You yanked your hand from his like he had just burned you. He didn't react, just continued to stare at you. He wasn't going to take that back, you were doing too much too soon.

“I literally just swept and washed a few dishes. If–if I can't even do that then…”

“You were hurt,” the frown returned to his face.

“Yeah I was. Past tense Joel.”

“It takes time to heal. You almost…you almost died baby,” he put his hands in his pockets as he blinked a few times trying to rid the images of you doubled over coughing up blood. 

He wanted to reach out to you so damn bad, but knew that you needed space right now.

“I know that. But I feel so helpless, all the time. I- I can't do anything. I can't even turn the pages in a book…I can't even sit and fucking read. And you leave and do your shifts–shifts that we are supposed to do together. What if you got hurt because I wasn't there to watch your back?” He looked like he wanted to interrupt you but refrained. “And then Ellie has to come home from school and before she does her homework or hangs out with her friends she helps me cook and clean. I just—I’m just so sick of feeling useless. I’m so sick of feeling like a burden.”

There it was. 

He thought of a million things to say. He wanted to berate you for even thinking such a thing, but that never seemed to work on you, so he decided to go a different route.

“I understand.”

“Do you?” You said with more venom than you intended.

“Yeah, yeah I do,” he cleared his throat, “When I was stabbed and you and Ellie had to do everything.”

“You were unconscious Joel. You were dying from infection.”

“That doesn't matter. I–I couldn't protect you two. I could barely understand what you said to me but I could make out enough.” He took his hands out of his pockets and rubbed his face, “I knew that you were going to leave and try to find me medicine. I tried to call out…I tried to stop you, but I couldn't. And then when the men–when the men came looking for you I–damn near lost my mind. But I couldn't move. I, I tried so hard to,” he felt the familiar pressure in his chest, “I…I watched you leave–and I couldn't even beg you to stay.”

You stood still as a statue as a tear rolled down your cheek, all you could do was stare.

“So yeah, I do understand. Feeling helpless is the worst, but you got me and Ellie, and you are getting better everyday. But pushing yourself isn’t gonna help you. So please do me–do us a favor and just let us help you. You’d do the same thing for us in a heartbeat and you are never a burden. Do you hear me?”

Your eyes were wide and mouth was slightly opened, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

“It’s ok. Everything turned out fine. We are both here.”

You launched at him, hugging him tightly. You kissed his neck and said, “I wish you would have told me. I know you dream about it…”

“I don't want to talk about that right now, ok? I just want to get that junk out of your hand and take a shower. Does that sound good?”

You agreed.

He took his time and worked efficiently, and in no time he had all of the debris removed and had cleaned your fingertips. Then he helped you undress and led you to the shower, where he worshiped you with as much attention as he gave you wounds, and then finished by cleaning your body as well–something that he's come to enjoy doing. When you got out of the shower he gently bandaged both hands, one for the cuts and the other to relieve the pressure on the healing muscle. 

He dried you off and helped you dress into your most comfortable clothes, which were ironically his clothes. Then you sat at the kitchen table and listened while he told you about his day. He heated you a can of your preferred soup and toasted you both some bread to go along with it.

After your shared meal, you moved to the bedroom where he read a couple chapters of your favorite book to you. You fell asleep with your head on his shoulder. And when you woke you were in his arms snuggled closely, your bad hand in his as he lightly massaged it.

You've been back on light duties for a month now–also known as cleaning and restocking the armory. It definitely feels boring and mundane after the action you were used to, but it was much better than doing nothing. Your hand still has the occasional cramp but it's much stronger. You’ve practiced on the shooting range a few times now and you weren't as hindered as you thought you'd be. Slower yes, but still able, with an aim as deadly as it's ever been.

It was the middle of a Wyoming winter and it was cold. Snow fell for four days straight covering the ground in a thick solid layer that probably wouldn't melt until the beginning of spring. Which made today's appearance of the sun that much better. Everyone in Jackson acted like it was a holiday. Two families were actually having parties and had invited you over. 

People liked you for a reason you didn't even know. You were nice and you worked hard but you weren't overly friendly, maybe you just appeared that way because you were around Joel and Ellie. Or maybe it was because you were close to Maria and Tommy. Regardless, there would be no partying for you. 

A few months ago you had talked Ellie out of going on runs until she was older. She hated it and took quite some convincing but you managed to make a deal with her. She focuses on school and her friends, and honestly just being a semi carefree teenager for once in her life, and a couple times a year the three of you would take vacations.

By vacations, you'd basically just camp and be away from everyone a bit. None of you would admit it but each of you missed the seclusion. Just the three of you, no obligations, nobody telling you what to do. You were grateful for Jackson, you all were and it was much better than being alone but that's how you lived for months together. That's where your strong bonds were made, and sometimes the sleeping bag under the stars felt more like home than your house.

Another part of the agreement was that Ellie got to choose where you'd go. It couldn't be too far, at least not during the winter, and the trip couldn't last more than a week–not until she was finished with school.

On this inaugural trip she wanted to see the rapids. Some friends had talked about how they canoed down them and she hadn't stopped talking about it since. You doubted that that was true, in a canoe? But it didn't matter it was a part of your deal and since the rapids weren't too far away the request seemed reasonable. 

And really it was a big deal for Ellie to want to go anywhere near water, let alone potentially dangerous water. She had let it slip once that she couldn't swim and the fact that she hasn't asked to learn yet tells you that she's afraid.

It was early morning, the sun had just begun to light up the sky. It was cold but no snow clouds were on the horizon. You were all packed with more things than you’d need in a week, and the trip probably wouldn’t even last three days. This was your first time leaving since your injury and it was Ellie's first since the agreement, which meant Joel was kind of a nervous wreck. He packed excessive amounts of everything–ammo, food, first aid. His pack weighed double the usual weight, and this time he saddled up his horse.

You found him in the stables. He was loading up the horse slowly and precisely, trying to slow down the inevitable–his family was leaving safety. 

“Are you ready?” 

He jumped slightly and laughed almost nervously. “You scared me sweetheart.” He sighed and fastened the last strap on the saddle, “Bout there, I wanna double check the…”

“Joel,” you crossed your arms and looked at him sweetly. “Everything is going to be ok. We are going to have a fun quick little trip. Nothing that we aren't used to right?”

He still had his back to you but you could hear him gulp and you could see him trying to shake his head in some sort of agreement. 

“Hey.” You walked up to him and held the side of his arms. “Do not put all of this on yourself. The three of us can defend ourselves, in fact I'd say that we are a pretty badass trio.” 

You smiled and he couldn't help but smile back. It didn't reach his eyes but he smiled nonetheless. 

“I’m afraid.” His voice was low where only you could hear him. He turned from you and focused on the horse. A little shocked that the confession slid out of him so easily. Completely unintentional.

His admission made you break a little. You didn't want this to stress him out like it was. This was supposed to be fun. “If you don't want to go me and Ellie–”

“No,” his voice was firm and commanding. “God- just no. I um–I just…it's safe here.” He was suddenly fixated on petting the horse, unable to look at your eyes that seemed to make him confess things without his permission. “And to leave it, if we don't have to seems…foolish to me.”

You tensed at his words. And boy did they make you angry. You and Ellie have been planning this and looking forward to it for weeks now. And he just waited until the last minute to express his concern? To call something you’d been dreaming about foolish?!

“We can't just stay here. We can't just be yours to play house with.” You paced a little and then continued almost grumbling to yourself, “Be your little housewife and we aren’t even married—go to school–be your picture perfect family. We can't do that. I can’t. I- I won't.” 

He turned to face you quickly. He hadn’t meant to upset you, really he hadn't but it did seemed foolish to him, dangerous for no reason. He didn’t like the way you were talking, it made him uncomfortable. Yes he loved coming home to you but it was just because he knew that you were safe. It had nothing to do with you being a ‘housewife’ to him. And he also didn’t like what sounded like an ultimatum, he would never keep you from leaving but it still frightened him. 

“I just meant–”

“Oh I know what you meant.” You felt your face getting hot. You didn't know where all of this was coming from and chalked it up to being frustrated at his last minute indecisiveness and your slightly stir-crazed mental state. “And it's such an easy thing for you to think about- building a wall around us caginging us up like animals in a zoo.”

“That's not–”

“Come home to a cooked meal.” You were pacing faster now, needing some kind of physical release. Your body was practically humming with pent up energy from being cooped up for months. 

“Baby it’s not–”

“All your laundry folded nice and neat.” You dug your boots into the stable floor with such force that dirt was actually starting to kick up. You could feel your blood pressure rise with each step. 

“To be propped up and ready to fuck when you come home–”

That made him snap. “Stop it!” He tightly held your shoulders and jerked you around hard. “I’d think very carefully about what you say next.”

You were still, all except for a wicked gleam of rebellion that flashed in your eyes. “Is that what you want?” You were breathing embarrassingly heavy.

He hated his reaction to all of this but regardless he still felt blood quickly rushing south and his pants tightened rapidly. You are just so damn hot and the image you were painting, well he hated to admit that the last part sounded appealing. Also he not so secretly liked it when you talked dirty.

“For me to be spread out on the bed for you, nothing to do but wait for you to get home. Be nice and ready for your—”

With absolutely no warning he spun you around and pulled you roughly to him. You arched into him instinctively and he placed one hand on your inner thigh and the other over your dirty mouth.

“I know it’s been awhile so I won’t get mad at you. But if you don't shut that pretty mouth of yours right now, we aren't goin’ anywhere.”

You ground your backside into him just as rough,  and bit at his hand, in a futile attempt of retaliation.

“Fuck…” He pressed himself harder into you. A sinful moan escaped you that was barely muffled by his large hand. He was certain that his strain was going to break his zipper. “If you needed this from me baby, all you have to do is ask.” He cooed into your ear making chills shoot down your spine and pressure pool into your belly.

He moved his hand that was resting on your thigh and started to unclip your belt buckle. 

The metallic clank broke you from your lust filled trance, and you shot out from his embrace. Your pupils were blown wide and you were almost gasping for air. “You aren't gonna- damnit, you aren’t going to distract me over this. We- we are leaving, with or without you.” 

You stormed out quickly. Not even bothering to buckle back up. 

If he were in the position he would have chased after you. But he couldn’t go running through town in his current state. So instead, to calm himself down, he thought about anything at all other than you.

A couple of minutes later, he led his overly packed horse over to where the two of you were waiting. Ellie was beaming at him and bouncing on the balls of her feet in excitement. He smiled at her but it made him feel like a piece of shit. This meant so much to the two of you. And he might have just ruined your whole trip. He hated when he made you angry but he still believed he had a point. 

He looked over at you and you quickly turned your head away to avoid him. He didn’t know how to apologize to you. Or rather he knew how but he couldn’t do that in front of Ellie. So he’d have to find the right time when you were alone. He wasn’t the best with words, in fact most of the time his words only made things worse. So he’d have to be patient and hope you’d be willing to forgive.

He was mid thought when you just started walking. Ellie cut her eyes back at him and raised her eyebrow in question. 

He just shrugged but he knew she was clever, sometimes too clever, and he knew that she knew he had done something stupid. 

“Come on.” He sighed, urging her to drop it and follow.

Luckily for him, she was more excited for the trip than curious about what had happened. But he still feared that it was only a matter of time before she questioned him to death. 

It took about five hours to make it to the river. It was a slow peaceful walk. There was no hurry—the journey and being at peace was the reason for the trip–it was mostly made in silence, the three of you weren’t big on small talk so it wasn’t at all uncomfortable, though he knew that you were only quiet because you were still stewing from earlier.

Ellie grew more talkative towards the end and you tried your best to carry on with her, but you were still infuriated with Joel. It was a buildup of things you supposed. But sometimes he really gets under your skin. The overprotective thing really works for you until it doesn't. And that’s not really fair to him because that’s who he is, and you knew that he hadn’t caged you in, you just felt trapped by your own injury. 

It didn’t help that it was after months of being cooped up and babied. Two things you disliked. If he was going to be like this every time you wanted to go for a walk- then flat out, the relationship wouldn’t work. You needed some semblance of freedom or you’d go insane. That scared you because you also needed him. And maybe you were being a little dramatic. He was currently beside you and you were outside of the gates. So maybe you were being a little hasty. Hopefully this outing will give you the reboot your mind needed.

Joel picked a place to set up camp while you and Ellie walked over to the edge of the cliff to see the now infamous rapids. They were more intense than you imagined, no way could a canoe make it down them.

Ellie was being uncharacteristically timid. You looked back at her and decided to give her some alone time. “I’m going to help him, don't get too close to the edge, it's slick.”

She playfully rolled her eyes at you.

When you made it back to Joel he already had half of the stuff thrown on the ground, but when he looked at you he gave a look. 

“What?” You placed your hands on your hips defensively.

“Nothin’...” he exhaled deeply, “Look- I’m sorry about earlier. I don’t wanna ruin your trip.”

“Our trip, it's our trip Joel. Look at where we are. Look how beautiful it is.” you gestured around you at the beautiful mountains, “Don’t you just feel…free?”

He looked at you with a sudden understanding, it was freedom that you needed. You’d told him as much, but seeing the stress visibly leave your face is what finally got it through his thick skull, “Yeah, I guess I do.”

You beamed at him, “See!”

“You look awfully beautiful out here like this,” his eyes sparkled at you. There was no other way to describe it.

“So do you.”

“Yeah?”

“Big time.”

He laughed, “See that big tree?”

It was the biggest tree in the area, impossible to miss, “Yeah?”

“If we were alone I’d apologize like you like me to, right up against–”

“Stop…that's–that’s cruel,” you blushed.

He laughed almost wickedly.

“Let's unpack before you find a way to get yourself back into trouble.”

Ellie was looking out, biting her lip apprehensively. Now that she was here she was fucking scared. Why did she even pick this stupid place, she couldn't swim, it was cold, and it was fucking stupid.

She walked closer to the edge and tried to peek over but she was too far away. She got frustrated with herself. Come on, don't be a pussy. She moved closer and closer still. Her chest felt tight and her legs were beginning to quake. She fought the urge to lay down and crawl to the edge, she didn't think that that would be a good look for her. So she continued to move forward very slowly, inch by inch, silently disregarding all sounds of internal alarms until finally, she could see all the way down into the raging water. 

Her toes kissed the edge and as she leaned forward, just as she felt that she had confidently conquered a fear, her boot slipped. “FU–” she was cut short as she twisted and tried to grab onto the edge, but in doing so she landed on her chest which then sent her flying backwards towards the water. Thankfully she landed on a ledge less than halfway down the steep drop. 

The ledge was small and narrow, she was very lucky to land on it at all. If she wouldn't have tried to hug the side of the cliff she would have fallen straight into the water. What she didn’t notice though was as she landed, the ledge moved slightly- small rocks broke off and fell into the freezing water below.

Ellie laid there for a few seconds and stared up at the blue sky. She took deep breaths trying to get it through her head that she was in fact alive–she wasn't entirely convinced. Until she heard you calling out her name. 

You were fortunate enough to look over just as she fell. You ran to her as fast as you could desperately calling out her name.

Joel was left alone and confused for merely a second before he noticed Ellie's missing form. His heart dropped as he sprinted past you and looked over where she used to be standing.

“Ellie?” you caught up and stood beside him.

You looked over the ledge as she carefully stood and brushed off some snow and dirt.

“Holy shit.” she said looking up at the two of you.

She didn't speak loud enough to hear because of the thunderous sound of the rapids, but you could read her lips. You exhaled in relief.

Joel was also very relieved. If she had fallen she would have hit the rocks, and if by some miracle she missed the rocks the currents were strong. Even an amazing swimmer wouldn’t be able to stay above the water, he didn't care to think about what would happen to someone who couldn't swim.

“Ellie,” he yelled down to her.

She looked up, and moved to hug the side of the cliff, “Yea?”

He laid on his stomach and reached down his arm as far as he could stretch, “Can you climb to reach my hand?”

She stretched her body as tall as she could, standing on her toes, her feet almost completely parallel to the cliff. She was still short, not by much, so she jumped as high as she could, still missing his hand. When she landed, the shifting of the ledge was still unnoticed. There was nothing to grab onto, there was nothing to grip to climb.

She jumped again but this time landing with more force. The ledge visibly shifted and larger rocks plunked into the water.

“Stop!” you screamed out. “Ellie, stay still!”

She gave a thumbs up, “No problem.”

You laid down next to Joel, “I’m going down there.”

“Like hell–”

“Hey, listen to me. I’m taller than her. I could probably jump and reach your hand, she just needs a boost. She could probably stand on my back and reach you.”

“Let me, I’ll…”

“You’ll what?” you sighed and did your best to calm down. “I don't think the ledge is strong enough to hold you both.”

He opened his mouth but you continued, “And you know I couldn't pull your ass up.” you grinned, but he wasn't having it.

“Just wait a second. Let me figure something out.” He looked back towards camp, “We could tie some–”

“You saw the way those rocks fell. We might not have the time for that Joel.” You grabbed his forearm and looked deeply into his eyes, you weren't playing around, you were going to do this, “Please, let me save her.”

His brows furrowed and he looked at you with as much seriousness as you've ever seen from him, and that was saying something. He brought his forehead to yours, “Be careful,” he whispered onto your skin.

You nodded, noses bumbing against each other and then reluctantly moved from him and looked down, “Ellie? I’m going to come down there and help you, ok?”

She looked up at you in pure panic, “No don't! This fucking piece of shit rock is barely holding me up.”

“It’ll be fine.”

She practically cried out your name, “Please don't,” her voice cracked in her loud plea.

You looked at Joel and he was looking at you in premature anguish, “It’s going to be alright,” you said to who, you weren’t sure–probably everyone, including yourself.

You removed your gloves in case you needed a better grip and slowly climbed over the edge, Joel held on tightly, and when he looked at the two deep scars on your hand he froze, “God damnit!”

“What?” you looked up worried that something had happened, and saw him focused on your hand.

“Crazy woman, what are you fuckin’ insane?”

Your hand had crossed your mind, but getting Ellie to safety was the only thing that mattered. You smiled sadly- knowingly at him, and he all of the sudden realized what he was doing–he was slowly dropping you to your death. This wasn’t just a rescue mission, this was a suicide mission. The anger from his eyes was replaced with bone chilling fear. He desperately yanked you back up a little, pulling your arm too tight and causing your bicep to strain. 

“Wha–?” you saw the raw panic in his eyes as he tried to haul you back up, “Stop, Joel Stop!” you looked down at Ellie and then back up to him with tears in your eyes, “I’ll break my arm off if I have to.”

He knew you would. Selfless woman.

He looked back at you holding on to his hand, gripping the side of the rock face, eyes full of tears and determination–he loved you so. “You better come back to me.”

“I always will.” 

His grip tightened and he lowered you as far as he could, “Land softly.”

No shit you thought as you landed on the ledge. It dropped even further this time making a horrible crumbling noise.

You grabbed Ellie and hugged her tightly afraid that this was it. When nothing else happened you sighed in relief and quickly backed up. She looked scared, like she wanted to stay in your arms and hide.

“Come on, we have to hurry.”

You quickly got on your hands and knees and she stood on top of you. She reached tall but was scared to dig her toes into you–she didn't want to hurt you, and she thought of how long it took for your ribs to heal, how much pain you were in.

“Use your toes Ellie!” you demanded.

“I don't want to hurt you,” she practically sobbed out.

“You won’t, I can hardly feel you.”

She knew you were lying but she complied and stood on the tips of her toes. She brushed his fingertips and tried to reach further. 

“Are you close?” you asked, feeling the ground beneath you sway knowing time wasn't on your side.

“I can touch him but I can’t–”

“Jump,” you interrupted her.

“Wha….NO I won't do that.”

“Ellie, baby- you have to.”

“I don't want to.”

“I love you very much…everything is going to be ok.”

More rocks crumbled and Joel called out your name in warning.

“Jump Ellie!”

Without a moment's more hesitation she did and Joel gripped her wrist tightly. They worked together and quickly got her to safety. 

The pathetic excuse for a ledge was giving out. Your world was rocking back and forth like a buoy on the ocean. You stood slowly, doing your best to not make any sudden movements. You could hear both of them desperately calling out to you but you were focused. They didn’t know how precarious your situation had become. 

You stood slowly and reached for Joel’s hand. You had known going into this that it was going to be much harder for you to get up. Sure you were taller than Ellie but not by much. You were going to have to jump or climb. To jump meant if you missed- you had to land, and you weren’t sure it could take that force.

You dug your fingers into any crack you could find, there weren’t many but you made your way maybe a foot off of the ledge when two things happened—first your hand locked up in a cramp that rendered it useless. You dropped it to your side, trying your best to hide it from those above. And second, the ledge broke away and fell into the water. 

They cried out to you but you didn’t know what to do. You truly couldn’t do a thing with your hand, you couldn’t even use it as a stabilizer. You found a perch for one toe of your boot, but it wasn’t going to hold long. 

It was like the universe knew that this was how you’d die. It was shitty, but it was giving you a chance to say goodbye to the two people you loved most in the world, and that’s more than a lot of people got.

You looked up. Joel’s face was red from straining to make himself longer. Spit was flying from his mouth with every pleading yell. Ellie was screaming for you to hurry. Time seemed to slow down as you watched them. They were going to be ok, they had each other, and despite what Joel would argue that would be enough.

So you had one attempt. It was all or nothing. One small lurch forward and you’d either make it to Joel’s hand or you wouldn’t. The chances were very slim.

“I have one shot,” you called up.

“Just keep climbing baby, you’re doing so good!” he encouraged loudly.

“I- I can’t. My hand is locked up.”

He cussed and behind him his feet angrily kicked holes in the snow. Tears started falling from his face and passed by you like drops of rain, “I told you to let me! I could have—“

“I love you. I love you both,” you sniffled but felt at peace, you had saved your girl, “I’m going to try my best but I really don’t have much to propel myself from.”

Your hand slipped a little and you could hear Joel’s gasp and Ellie’s cry. 

“Ok I’m ready,” your muscles tightened in preparation and you tested the movement. Once you were satisfied that you’ve done all you could you started your countdown, “On, three-two—one.”

To give yourself some credit, you did make it farther than you thought. Probably a hands length away from Joel’s, but you knew from takeoff that it wasn’t enough.

You briefly saw the look of absolute horror on their faces as you took in as much air as you could, and shielded your head with your arms as you plunged into the freezing water.

You of course knew that water was powerful. It helped shape the earth with its constant rising and falling. Given time its pressure could smooth a stone, could forge new paths and create new bodies of water. It grew vegetation as easily as it could flood and drown. Any living thing needs it or would die. Water was both life and death, it was a powerful, powerful thing.

But you didn’t truly respect it until now. It tugged you under and slung your body around like a ragdoll filled with nothing but cotton. You had never felt so weighed down and yet somehow so weightless. You were so distracted by the sheer force of it that the sharp burning from the cold came later. Then oddly enough the need to breathe came even later than that.

After a few seconds of pathetically trying to fight it, you quickly realized you could do nothing but patiently wait for a current to bring you to the surface for a chance to get air.

It happened faster than you had anticipated. Before you knew it your head was above the water and you were gasping for oxygen. Some water got in but that didn’t matter to you in the slightest.

You glanced to the side at the riverbank and for the first time you noticed how fast you were moving. You were absolutely flying down the river. 

You went under a couple more times, and were banged around—hitting some rocks here and there, which would bruise but nothing serious. 

There wasn’t much farther to go as far as the rapids were concerned. The river was long but if you could make it another one- two minutes tops before it slowed and calmed. 

What a jinx you are.

Your ankle was suddenly caught between two rocks. You were stuck and the angry currents were pushing at the side of your face, trying their best to force you back under. You took a deep breath, and went under to try and wiggle your boot free. It was of no use so you untied the shoe and were launched free immediately. It took you by surprise and rolled you a few times—disorienting you, and then your luck ran out. You hit your head, everything went black.

When you fell he almost jumped right in after you. As matter of fact, if Ellie wasn't with him he would have. His whole body shifted forward begging him to leap, but Ellie’s hand quickly grabbed his shoulder tugging him back up, as she yelled out after you. She anchored him to the spot and kept him from acting irrationally.

He sprang to his feet, “Look for her I’m gettin’ the horse.”

She quickly got up and ran along the edge. It's funny that moments ago she was so scared to even go near it- now she was sprinting alongside it, the only fear she felt was for you. Her eyes combed the water trying to get a glimpse of your now flailing form, they were stinging from the cold but she refused to so much as blink. 

She looked farther down and saw you, just as you were thrusted up for air.

Joel passed her on the horse and she pointed ahead. She tried to keep up but you were both moving too quickly. She kept running even as she lost sight of you both.

Joel was riding alongside you. It was a difficult task to both keep his eyes on you, and keep his horse from running off the side but he quickly adjusted. You were doing a good job of keeping your head above the water, and he was starting to feel slightly optimistic.

The water was already calming down. 

He looked back to you all of that previous optimism died along with any hope he had left in him. This time he screamed your name, it was way too raw to be called a yell. 

He moved his horse back and forth searching. The horse was as anxious as Joel, it wanted to continue running. His heart was beating out of his chest as he continued crying out for you.

Then he saw you.

You were face down and floating downstream.

He charged the horse and went ahead of you to where the rocks stopped and the shore began. He dismounted, took off all of his clothes except his boxers, and ran into the water.

Even though it was calmer, he still had to curl his toes–gripping at the dirt in an attempt to brace himself with each step. When you floated near he swam out to you. It was rougher out where you were. 

When he reached you he quickly turned you over. 

You were so blue and he couldn’t tell if you were breathing.

Fortunately for the both of you, he was a swim champion in his teenage years and a pool lifeguard was his first job. He swam fast and strong and there was no way you’d release from his grip. 

When his feet touched the bottom he cradled you, and trudged through the water as quickly as he could–water splashing all around as his strong legs ran you to shore.

Ellie was waiting, bent over trying to catch her breath.

He got you out of the water and laid you down in the snow. 

“Is she breathing?” Ellie gasped as she looked down at your blue face.

“I don’t know yet.” He felt for a pulse but didn’t find one. Then he put finger under your nose to feel the air. Nothing.

“Damnit,” he immediately started chest compressions. 

Ellie’s legs gave out and she sat in shock. She had lost a lot but losing you felt like too much. You were the closest thing she’d ever had to a mom. You were her best friend. What the fuck was she supposed to do without you?

“...gotta be the hero—”

Joel was angrily muttering to you. Ellie could only make out occasional fragments, she wasn’t even sure he knew what he was saying.

“—let anyone else get hurt.”

His voice trembled with emotion.

“Couldn’t just let me…hard headed…”

He was openly crying now and getting slightly winded from the exertion. His body pink from the cold with steam rising off of him.

“—drive me damn insane,”

Ellie was now sobbing with him- broken gasps and labored breaths. She hugged her knees to herself and began rocking.

“…better start breathing I swear to god.”

The horse moved, catching her eye.

“Please- don’t leave me…”

She turned back and watched him desperately pound on your chest. 

“—I fucking need you…you hear me?”

That was as close to a sleeping beauty moment that you’d ever get. You started violently coughing up water- expelling it from your lungs. He rolled you on your side so it was easier on you for you to spit up the liquid.

A rush of pure joy overcame him, “That’s it baby get it all out.” 

Ellie crawled closer to you like she couldn’t believe that you were alive. Something red caught her eye. “Uh, Joel?” she pointed behind your head, her voice sounding so small.

He was so fixated on watching your face that he hadn’t seen the blood staining the white snow behind your head, “Fuck.”

As you continued to cough he felt around the back of your head. There was a small swollen knot that was split by a not so deep cut. There was no indentation which was his main concern. And head injuries bled a lot, he reminded himself as he looked at his now crimson coated hand.

The coughs slowed down but he started worrying why you weren’t shivering. He was shaking uncontrollably. You were still. 

“Here’s what I need you to do- take the horse and bring all our stuff down here. We have to get her warm.”

Ellie was silent. Frozen in fear staring at the blood.

“Ellie…Ellie?!” He said loudly, snapping her out of it, “You hear me?”

“I- I’m on it.” She jumped on the horse and galloped away. 

He pulled you so that you were propped up against a tree–he didn't want you to drown in the water you were clearing from your body. He brushed some hair out of your face with his numb fingers–he couldn't even feel the soft strands. Then he started to gather sticks for a fire. 

You were in and out of consciousness. You mumbled a few times but never made much sense. 

Ellie returned and helped Joel finish building the fire, it needed to be big. He kept repeating that to her.

They set up the tent. Facing it towards the fire so that the heat wafted and was captured underneath. Then he put all the sleeping bags and any fabric they packed inside. By this time Joel was shaking so bad he could barely pick up anything- now all of his appendages were numb. His tremors were now so severe that his speech was broken.

“I’m gonna ge-get all of these wet clothes–off of her, and get her in-inside.”

She nodded, liking the plan so far.

“Listen- I don’t know how to say this a-any other way, but we are going t-to be naked.”

She looked a little put off and confused.

“It’s just for bo-body heat, nothin’ weird.”

“Nothing, weird?”

“You-you know what, I- I mean,” he clenched his fists trying to demand that his body stop shaking.

“Ok so what do you want me to do?”

“I want you…to ta-take the rifle, and be on lo-look out…she has to ge-get warm–”

“Joel…I’ve got this. Just…take care of her..please.” 

He nodded in an understanding agreement, if he takes care of you then everything else will be ok.

She picked up the gun and mentally started outlining a perimeter to pace.

He pulled you over to the fire and began to undress you. His hands fumbled with the buttons and he winced when he finally noticed that you were missing a boot. He removed your shirt and jacket, leaving your top half bare. His eyes traced the many forming bruises–nothing near as bad as the last time. Then his hands touched your belt buckle. Visions from mere hours ago when he was unfastening it for a completely different reason flashed before him. 

Tears returned and he started sniffing loudly, ‘gah’ he helplessly croaked out as he removed the remaining clothing. Nothing more to note, just more of the same–discolored bruising and small scrapes. 

The bleeding on the back of your head was slowing down, though he still wrapped the injury with gauze. The bandage wrapped around and covered the top of your forehead. 

He laid you gently on top of a sleeping bag–the tent had a floor but he was trying his best to keep you from the cold ground. Then he put all the other sleeping bags, blankets, and even clothes on top of you. He took off his wet boxers and threw them out of the tent and snuggled as close to you as he could possibly get.

Your skin felt like ice. He hissed at the first contact but without hesitation pulled you to him even tighter. He was truly enveloping your form- legs were entangled, his broad chest and strong arms cocooned around you securely, even his neck and head curled into you. His hands rubbed up and down your back trying to create a warming friction–but you still weren't shivering…you should be shivering.

He didn't know what else to do, and maybe he'd done all that he could do, but that was hard for a man like Joel to accept. 

He was warming up quickly, and as he regained some sense of touch, he started to feel your skin beneath his fingertips. You were so very soft, much too soft for hands like these he thought to himself. 

Out of nowhere he started talking. He didn't know where it came from, he just opened his mouth and words began pouring out. He wasn't even aware of what he was saying until he heard Sarah's name.

He was telling you about his daughter he then realized. 

You had only asked about her twice. Once at the beginning of your relationship when you found out about her for the first time–which led to him wrongly ignoring you for a whole week. And the second was when he screamed her name in a nightmare–he told you to never mention her again, and went for a walk that lasted a whole day. He didn't know why you put up with him.

Last time you were hurt, when he was so scared he was gonna lose you, he told you how she died. And even then, even after he had opened up and said her name for the first time in years, even knowing that he could trust you- that he loved you, he couldn't bring himself to talk about her…that was for some reason until this moment.

He told you about how smart she was, about how kind and funny, and caring. How she loved to make a big deal on his birthday and always found a way to surprise him with incredibly thoughtful gifts. That she loved to cook and take care of him, because she said he deserved to be taken care of. 

And as he was telling you all of the wonderful things about his daughter it made him realize that she would have absolutely loved you. The two of you had a lot in common and would have probably harassed him into taking care of himself. His chest felt unbearably tight, he had hurt the both of you by not talking about her–by not talking about her he hadn’t let her memory live on, and by not telling you he had unintentionally kept a huge part of his heart hidden.

Suddenly he felt you. If he weren’t melded to you so tightly he probably wouldn’t have, but he did. You were starting to tremble.

“That's it baby. Warm up for me.”

He kept rubbing your back. He could feel a thin layer of sweat collect between you, it was from him he was certain. He'd gone from cold to warm to quite hot. The fire had heated up the small space in no time at all. 

Before long chills started to shake your body and he could hear your teeth chattering. He felt you nuzzle closer to his chest.

“Sweetheart?”

“S’ cold.”

“You'll be warm in a minute.”

“Wha time is…?” your words were slurred.

“Late. We should probably wake up.” he really hoped that you would wake up, or at least seem more alert.

“Yea…”

And then you lost consciousness or fell back asleep one, or maybe both.

An hour or so passed and you were coming down from the worst of your chills. Your teeth were no longer clicking and your skin felt much warmer to the touch.

He felt your head shift to look up.

“Hey,” he smiled, warmly down at you.

“Hi,” you turned your head and took in your surroundings. Saying you were confused was an understatement. “Where are we?”

“You don't remember?” his brows creased and his smile drained from his face.

“I- I remember…ELLIE!” you sat up quickly, he did too.

“It’s ok, she's ok. I promise.” he pulled you into a hug and as your bare breasts brushed against his arm hair you noticed for the first time that you were naked–you both were.

“Joel, what the hell happened?” you asked into the crease of his neck.

He explained everything, and you were slowly able to fill all of the missing holes of your memory–the fall, the battle in the water, the rock that took you out.

“You saved me again,” tears fell from your eyes.

“Sweetheart I’ll save you everyday if you'll let me,” he wiped them away with his thumb, you heard the gauze rustle.

“Wha?” you reached up and felt the bandage seeming to cover your head. 

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” he chuckled, “Just a little thing. I might have been…excessive.”

You laughed and the strain of it made you notice the pain in your chest. You placed your hand over your heart and looked at him, obviously confused.

“Yeah…that might hurt for a bit,” he winced. “You- you weren't breathing when I got you out of the water–”

“You had to do CPR!?”

“I did.” he swallowed thickly and looked away.

“Oh, Joel… thank you.” you moved your leg over his lap and straddled him, you grimaced, your body was more battered than you thought. He openly began to weep, sobs wrecked through his body. You rested his head to your chest, and rubbed the back of his head until his breaths calmed and his shaking stopped.

“Ya know, this would be really hot in other circumstances.” you weren't in the mood, not even close. You felt like you had been run over by a truck, you were just trying to lighten the mood. “In a tent, naked with you.”

He chuckled, you felt him smile against you. He turned and kissed your soft supple skin. “I’m so glad you're ok…when you fell, just you can't do that shit.”

You leaned away from him, “What? Save Ellie?”

“Can't just…react. I could have tied something together—”

“If she would have fallen into the water, I would have never forgiven you. You know that right?”

He shook his head, “I never would have forgiven myself but- but darlin’…jesus.”

“I don't want to fight. Not about this and not right now, my head is killing me, but know this Joel Miller- if either one of you ever need saving, and I can, I will.” You grabbed a dry shirt and pulled on over your head. “It isn't something up for discussion, and I won't be talked out of it. You jumped in the water to save me- that was dangerous, we sometimes do dangerous things for the ones we love.” He looked like a kicked puppy but you continued, “If I don’t act, if I sit back and think about it- took time to come up with a plan, and then lost you anyway…then what–then what would be the point?”

You put your hand behind his head and pulled him closer again, whispering against his face, “I know you'd do the same so don't play all high and mighty with me, you will always lose that battle,” you placed a kiss on his lips.

He returned the kiss eagerly. Your lips were chapped but they had never tasted better to him. He pulled you both up so that you were both kneeling, and he pressed your body into his. He wished you hadn't put on the shirt, despite all of the previous contact he still felt like he needed to feel you.

“Joel…” you reluctantly warned into his mouth.

“I know…I know–but god I just want to feel you right now.”

You hummed in agreement and stayed for another minute or two, and then slowly backed out of his embrace. He smoothed back his hair and looked around for his extra clothes. You threw his boxers at his face, he laughed and grabbed you back to him- suddenly catching you off balance and the jerking motion hurt your head.

You hissed and massaged your temple.

“Shit I’m sorry.”

“It's fine..I think I need to lie down.”

“You ok?”

“Yeah, just need a minute.”

“You rest,” he tucked you in and kissed your forehead, “I’m gonna tell Ellie that you're doin’ better.”

“Kay,” you closed your suddenly very tired eyes.

Come morning it was snowing. It was a pleasant snow, the kind that was peaceful to watch with large flakes that floated down to the earth. You had slept straight through the night. Joel and Ellie took turns, taking watch and staying by you. You woke with a ravenous appetite, and ate enough for three meals. Neither of them said a word, in a humorous delight- they just watched you scarf down the food.

They both insisted that you rode the horse on your journey home. You didn't want to, but you would admit that your equilibrium was still somewhat off, and your body was very sore. So you relented and did as they asked.

When you returned to Jackson, the doctor examined you and said that you had a mild concussion and were still experiencing the symptoms from hypothermia, but were otherwise fine. You'd just have to take it easy for a week or two.

A week later you were working back in the armory, this time though you had no complaints. 

When you came home, you opened the door and was immediately hit with a delicious aroma, “Joel? Ellie?” you called out a little suspicious. You tended to be this family's chef. 

“In the dining room,” Joel responded.

You could hear the two of them whispering hurriedly, and you heard silverware clanking around. When you entered the room your jaw dropped. 

They were both dressed up. Joel with a nice dark blue buttoned up shirt that you'd never seen- the sleeves neatly rolled up, dark pants, and his hair looked styled with…what was that gel? Ellie was wearing a white buttoned up shirt, and she had her hair down with one small braid off to the side (you had taught her how to braid her horse's mane and she was getting proud of her skills). 

The ambiance was almost romantic, dim with nothing but candles lighting up the room. The table was set like they were expecting royalty and they had a bottle of wine in front of where you usually sat.

Joel moved to your chair and held it out for you, “Your chair Madame.”

“What is this?” you hoped you didn't look as shocked as you felt. You did.

“I made you dinner.” Ellie said proudly, “So sit.”

She left abruptly to retrieve the food.

You chuckled and sat. Joel pushed you in like a gentleman and then placed your napkin in your lap. “Wine Madame?” He was trying to do a french accent but it oddly just sounded somehow even more texan.

You giggled, “Oui Monsieur.”

He laughed, “Am I not garcon?

“A little boy?”

He looked flustered, “Oh…I reckon I don't know much French.” He filled your glass almost to the brim. He looked nervous.

You giggled again, “I don't either.”

Ellie walked in with a massive pot. It was a stew loaded with meat and potatoes. Then she went back to the kitchen and brought out some bread rolls that she learned to make from a sweet old lady. 

“Ellie…what is this about?”

“I just– I just wanted to do something special for you. Joel said that you mentioned doing this before and I thought it might be something nice for you. I just…you fucking saved me.”

“Ellie–”

“No, I know. It still just sucks. How do you thank someone for saving your life ya know?”

“Easy.” you smiled lovingly at her.

She tilted her head in curiosity. 

“You live yours baby.”

She moved to you quickly, and sat in your lap.You held her tightly, and she pressed into the nook of your neck.

Joel shuffled and stealthily wiped his eyes.

She sat up and looked at you, her eyes were red, “I don't really want to cry any more.”

“Then hop up, and let's eat.”

She hugged you again and then stood.

“Tell me about what you made me.”

She smiled and told you about everything in great detail.

Dinner was immaculate, that sounds over the top but it truly was. Once you had all cleaned your plates she returned to the kitchen and brought out a pie. A pie!!! You don't want to admit it, really you don't, but you ate half of it.

You were so proud of her and kept flooding her with compliments. 

When everyone finished, you tried to help clean but they shooed you away. Joel grabbed your plate from you and whispered in your ear, “Go take a shower, I'll be up in a minute,” and gave you a rather passionate kiss.

You ran upstairs and took a very quick shower, your body was throbbing with anticipation. But alas, with belly full wine, pie, bread, and stew- after your warm relaxing shower- laying on your comfy bed that smelled of Joel's masculine scent- with a content mind and body, you fell asleep in record time.

When he entered the bedroom he saw you splayed out on top of the bed. “Sweetheart?” he asked softly- when he heard you deep breaths he immediately knew that you were asleep. It was hard to be disappointed when you looked so beautiful. He softly caressed your cheek, almost in awe of how incredibly lucky he was. He managed to gently maneuver you so that you were under the covers. He tucked you in and kissed the tip of your nose.

Then he unbuttoned his shirt, opened the dresser, and hid the ring back inside.

--------

if I forgot to tag you I am so sorry: @givemeth , @farintonorth

[kyuriin-chan]

Adam Warlock x OC

Part 1

Word Count: 1.556

Warnings: Adam being cute, fluff, slight angst

POV Seraphina

I've known Pete for a relatively long time and even though I said goodbye to the Guardians, I missed them all very much.

After Gamora left us and Thanos was finally defeated, my help was requested by my brother who I hadn't seen in a long time.

So I also left the Guardians, even though it was very difficult for me at the time. They were all very dear to me and I promised them that I would come back as soon as I was needed or my help was no longer needed by my brother.

x

I slowly steered my spaceship to the well-known landing site that was kept free for me.

Pete had enlightened me about what had happened and I was glad that Rocket was fine now. After all, we were good friends and often exchanged ideas about technical things and what could be improved.

My ship finally landed and for a moment I just sat and let it all sink in. I considered this small planet and it's inhabitants to be home, even though my native home was actually light years away.

Here on this planet was my real family, friends who meant a lot to me. A smile graced my lips and I turned everything off to leave the ship.

Pete had just notified me of everything like he had done all along while I was gone so no one knew I was actually coming back. He had told me about the destruction of the city and I really wanted to help.

With steady steps, I made my way to meet the Guardians and tell them of my return.

POV Adam

Almost helpless, I watched the many people who tried to rebuild their city and did everything to help them.

After I pulled Peter out of space and rescued him, a lot of people seemed to trust me more and give me another chance as well. Still, I couldn't deny that I felt kind of alone. Everyone had someone they knew or got along with.

I didn't really know anyone.

Mantis assured me that I would find my place but I wasn't so sure. My mother often spoke of a person who formed our other side. To which one belonged and which gave one the feeling of safety and security.

Did I also have such a person?

I continued to stroll through one of the streets and only looked up when I heard a bright laugh. My gaze fell on Peter who seemed to be hugging an unknown woman. The two knew each other well and began to talk quickly.

I stared at them both rooted to the spot and began to study the young woman further. Her blond hair was long and gently swept behind her as she walked further away with Peter. She had a beautiful smile that made me feel warm even though that smile wasn't even aimed at me.

The two disappeared around a corner and for a brief moment I caught a glimpse of her face. If there were angels then I was convinced that she had to be one.

"Hey Adam! Come on! Pete has news for us! Hurry up, come on!", Mantis suddenly called out to me, who had stepped into my line of sight without me noticing.

How long did I stand there, just like that?

A little unsteadily I walked behind Mantis who also had Drax with her and was talking excitedly. However, my thoughts were still with the beautiful woman and her almost golden-blonde hair, which is why I didn't listen to her.

Together we entered a small bar that surprisingly survived the attack and was considered as our regular meet-up place.

"Listen up everyone! I have great news for you! Our dear Seraphina is finally back and will stay!", Peter's voice sounded. Everyone started cheering and even Nebula seemed to react positively to this news as a barely noticeable smile crept onto her face.

Confused, I looked around the small bar and waited for a more detailed explanation until a person stepped into the bar behind Peter. It was none other than the woman with the charming smile I had seen before.

So I stood a little apart and just watched how everyone hugged the young woman named Seraphina and were probably very happy about her arrival. At that moment, I really wished I could hug her like that and be near her too.

I watched almost longingly as she began to talk to the others and shared her story with them. Music started playing and Peter handed out drinks to everyone and although a happy mood ensued I just felt all the more left out.

Why would she want to talk to me too?

However, I couldn't take my eyes off Seraphina. She was pulling me in like some kind of magnet and I just couldn't resist the pull. Every now and then she brushed back one of her blond strands and I wondered if her hair really felt as soft as it looked. Her soft smile never left her lips and I secretly hoped that she would smile at me too.

"You can also talk to her Adam", Peter's voice suddenly sounded next to me and I looked over at him almost startled. He had a huge grin on his face and I got the feeling he had something in mind some kind of plan maybe.

"Instead of just staring at her, you know?", he continued and that's when I realized he must have been watching me without my noticing.

"I'm good... yeah. I'm just looking", I said quickly then looked back across the bar hoping he would leave me alone.

"Kinda creepy you know? Just staring and doing nothing", he said, leaning against the bar wall.

"I'm not staring!", I tried to explain to him again and crossed my arms uncertainly.

How was it that he could see through me like that?

"Whatever you say buddy. But talking to her won't hurt you y'know", he said taking a sip of the blue drink he'd been holding the whole time. With a huff I took one last glance at Seraphina and her smiling face, "I think I'm going outside for a bit."

Without Peter being able to say anything else, I almost bolted out of the bar and quickly inhaled the cool air from outside. I sneaked a peek through the bar window again hoping to see Seraphina but Rocket and Drax had apparently started a drinking contest and a large crowd had gathered in front of the window.

Almost furiously I kicked a stone away from the path in front of me and clenched my hands into fists. Now there was no way I could just go back after Peter caught me like that.

I wish it was that easy, but what if she just doesn't like me? What if all she sees in me is this monster that wanted to hurt her friends?

At that thought, a pain almost ran through my body and I put my hand on my chest. Shaking my head I walked on and admitted defeat. Countless feelings rolled through my body and I just couldn't place any of them.

"Hey! Wait!", a voice suddenly called from behind me and abruptly I turned just to look into Seraphina's blue eyes. She stopped in front of me and smiled softly at me.

"You're Adam, aren't you?", she asked me and I could only nod as she almost took my breath away.

"I'm Seraphina and I wanted to introduce myself again personally. I've heard a lot about you", she said and fear immediately went through my body like a bolt of lightning.

What had the others said about me? Did they also say that I was actually responsible for Rocket's injuries? In the end, I simply attacked the Guardians.

"Heard... from me?", I asked almost swallowing hard and stood as stiff as a statue in front of the young woman.

"You saved Pete and I'm very grateful for that!", she quickly explained to me and gave me an even bigger smile than before. Without warning she took one of my hands in hers and immediately that warmth flowed back into me. My heart started beating like crazy and I really hoped she wouldn't notice.

"The past is the past and all that matters is the here and now. You can decide who you are and what you do Adam. We're all here to help you", she said softly then let go of my hand.

I immediately missed her soft hands and their warm touch on my skin.

"I'd better let you go, it's already very late. See you tomorrow!", she said quickly and then went in the other direction past the bar. As if in a trance, I stood on the street and watched after her until her shape was no longer visible.

Her words echoed in my head and slowly a smile crept onto my lips as I had to look down. My hand was still tingling and I turned around as well.

For Seraphina, I wanted to be as good as possible. I wanted to protect her and make her proud, show her that I understood her words. I desperately wanted to feel more of her warmth and give in to this urge for her.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Feel free to comment your thoughts or prompts ✨

[weirdestcornelius]

hey sketchbook nation i made this out of boredom

excuse my english its not my first language

---------

Eve sees them from afar, shyly holding hands for the first time. It had been a few days since she and Scrap had broke up, and all because of her older sister, Sly.

At her eyes, Sly has taken away everything from her, and ruined her life. First, she traumatized her because of "abandonment", and now fen seemed to take away what was most precious in her life, the paper face guy.

What was she supposed to do now? In her eyes, she was the victim, since her older sister is the result of her older traumas existing for now.

Sly insisted on continuing to ruin squeak even more, right?

Although, of course, that's all how she saw it. In the distance, Scrap and Sly held their hands for the first time, because the ESPER wanted to make her feel safe with him. Sly felt insecure, very bad and guilty. Did she deserve this? Is her life really smiling at fen, or is it all a cruel joke? Her mind was filled with insults towards herself, having thoughts of the worst, but Scrap only grabbed her hand more warmly, transmitting security to fen.

—"Yes, this is all real." — He said, calmly. —"I have never sought to harm people, and seeing that your own family just treats you like nothing only makes me feel bad too."—

"Sorry, sorry, sorry-" Sly was thinking now, at the edge of tears again. This was all new to her, seeing light in her deep darkness.

The sun pointing at their faces was nothing more than a spectacle, it would soon be dark and they both had to return to their homes to resume their personal lives, leaving the bubble in which they were both stuck at the moment.

So it was. Sly returned to her house, silently, because she did not want fen family to see her walking through the living room and give her the looks that she came to hate so much. Fortunately, there didn't seem to be anyone in the room who could give her that feeling of judgment and emptiness. Sly sighed calmly, calming down a little because of that fact, until she went up the stairs to her room.

Then she saw Eve in front of her door.

—"Why?"— Squeak started to say, her voice was flooded with anger, but also broken. — "Wasn't it enough for you to have ruined me when I was a girl? Do you have to continue doing it to this day?" —

Sly stepped back in confusion, for the first time feeling genuine fear of what her sister might do to fen.

—"Don't you dare say anything. I don't want to listen to you."— She saw that her older sister was going to speak, and she just wanted to get ahead of herself.—"Every thing you do, every time you leave your room, everything falls apart.! All you've done here is simply be a burden, a burden for me!"—

A burden for her parents, for Ally and all of her family. Hearing her own sister say those things hurt more than ever, because it didn't seem like it was just the same mental abuse joke every day now.

—"And I really thought we could improve someday." — She muttered, angry and broken at tears, finally turning to leave. — "I guess none of that matters to you anymore." —

The same victimization game all over again, while Sly is never given a genuine chance to stand up for herself or even feel anything good in fen life. Sly has not done anything to hurt anyone on purpose, the only thing she has seen is how Scrap approached her intentionally, seeking answers to her questions and providing fen with a comfort that she desired with all of fen heart.

Scrap never liked how his partner treated Sly, and when he approached her for the first time to give her his support, everything began to change for the better.

She felt alive for the first time, and wished for this to stay, because fen was feeling comfortable and good with herself.

Was that bad to wish?

WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO GOOD AT WRITING FANFICTION

[sofiaaaa36]

promise me!🧡

(BACKSTORY/PT. 1)

summary: being one of the best hunters in nevarro's bounty guild, you reminisce about your heavily-adventurous, and boundless past on getting to where you are today. walking into work, you dont expect what your next commission is but, it involves an "old friend" or how your boss says it, "buddy".

warnings: f!reader, tiny swearing, a pinch of violence, FYI: this is just the start, also it won't be a full fanfic for each episode. i just wanna write it as it is in my brain. THATS ALL🫶🤭

nevarro was your home. even though the rocky and volcanic planet wasn't anything comfortable, you never had anywhere else to go.

when you were too young to remember, your father was a ruler of a mandalorian clan on one of the two moons of the planet mandalore. your guardians told you of how powerful your father was. apparently, your mother, surprisingly wasnt mandalorian. you were told that her lesson was that anybody could love anyone, no matter how different you are from them.

when the horrific purge started, it affected your home aswell. you would never forget the day you walked outside to see the streets filled with laying bodies, the sounds of the bright explosions echoing throughout the quiet city, and the smell of smoke surrounding you. it was tragic. at such a incredibly young age, you had lost your innocence.

you were told from your guardians, that your parent's last wish was for you to escape safely, and to become great just like them. survivors of the purge brought you to the far planet of nevarro. there, they granted your mother and father's wish. with their best efforts, they raised you to have traits like being intelligent, resourceful, and compassionate.

now being compassionate meant you cared for every little thing. you would fawn over any creature, big or small. you loved to see babies and toddlers. whenever you were around one, it would always stop crying or, it would look up at you in wonder. if you saw someone having a bad day, you felt that too. being able to read emotions came in handy, especially with your job right now.

your guardians also trained you in the way of weapons. from the long, harsh weeks of you getting knocked out during training in hand combat, to finally beating your "teacher" in a sparring match using a staff. talk about improvement!

as you were getting closer to the age of saying the mandalorian creed, you had mixed feelings about it. on one side, you felt pressure on having to wear the helmet since your family was mandalorian royalty. surely you'd carry on the tradition.. right? not really.. another side of you didn't want to put it on. the fact that the armor would have to stay on for the rest of your life scared you. the thought of not being able to eat or drink infront of anyone, not having your first "real" kiss, and not seeing the world in all of its true features made you uncertain about this whole thing. also even more reasons like, not showing your real emotions to the world, not being able to show your face for long amounts of time to your own future children and husband, and to top it all off, you hated the feeling of being "trapped".

of course you talked to your guardians about this and they listened to everything you said. they gave you the most thoughtful answer stating that it was up to you, the creed was made for those who wanted to walk the way. and what they said lastly, really stood out to you. your mother's lesson: she wasnt mandalorian and she still married your father. you can be completely different than others, and still be a part of their lives.

you took their advice and never swore the creed. even-though there was always guilt and shame, you assured yourself with the thought of your mother.

getting to the age of independence, you joined the bounty guild. you definitely had what it takes, and you wanted those credits! the first day you got there, the stuffy cantina was filled with many people who seemed like they were judging you. they whispered to eachother nasty rumors on your abilities, and how you got here. it was an extremely miserable tough crowd..

lets just say you put a couple of those people in their place. just a few days after you joined the guild, you were just picking out one of the many bounty pucks. looking at the holograms, suddenly, you sensed someone was behind you. you were tapped on the shoulder by a twi'lek man, that looked like he had a little bit too much to drink, who was surrounded by an intimidating tall group of 4 others.

now facing you, the man started speaking, his words being slurred, "arent you.. wait a minute..! you're a pretty lady, why'd you be in this business? i think i know somethin' else you'd be good at.." he said smiling dumbly. "you girls always end up in here and we end up having to shoo you away.." "excuse me!?" you were completely shocked with your mouth wide open. "im capable of being a hunter, thank you, and no, im not gonna' sell my body!" you replied defensive, and still a little taken back from his comments. you then decided that you didn't want to deal with his drunken behavior. so, you quickly moved back. unexpectedly, you felt a hand tightening its grip around your arm. one of the man's friends in his group was holding onto you. the tall man, surpise-surprise, was also drunk. he had a certain accent and started to announce to his friends, "ha! this one's feisty, aint she!? sorry sweetie, its not too common for a lady like you to come n' this guild and think she rules the place. its not gonna happen' again, so why dont we take you back outside ay?"

a slight panic and confusion filled you, who the hell did they think they were?!before he could finish what he was saying, you pushed the mans arm to where it could be fractured. yelling, the man rapidly held onto his broken arm.

the group stopped laughing and all of them came running to you. ducking, and blocking, you managed to not get hit by their horrible aim. you punched one of them in the nose, another guy grabbed the collar of your shirt to which you grabbed his hands, pushed them down, and kneed him in his lower torso. one by one you knocked them all out. slight blood was showing on your knuckles where you punched one of them in the nose. with all of them down, you quickly fixed the messy strands of hair on your face while going back to pick up the bounty puck.

after collecting yourself from what just happened, you carefully walked over and around the men dizzily getting up. as you were walking out, you noticed eyes beaming on you. anxiety was forming as you passed through the cantina with everyone staring. it felt like all the noise was becoming inaudible and you felt like you were being pressured underneath water.

right as you were about to walk outside, you passed someone just a little bit taller then you, in a gray, shiny, mandalorian helmet with beat-down armour.

his modulated voice sounded young, he probably was around your age, about 17 or 18. "hey, nice fighting.." he said to you while nodding his head up. still extremely embarrassed and now flustered, you responded with a quiet, "oh! thanks.." you gave him a slight smile and walked outside. thank the maker that was over. you decided to not think about what just happened and decided to focus on the outside. the ashy smell of outdoors, and the sandy, beige buildings clustering eachother, welcomed you back. you could finally breathe.

that was years ago. soon after that happened, you proved with several tasks that you were one of the guild's most respected hunters along with some others, including mando, the same person who complimented you a long time ago.

even though you and mando never talked after that, you guys sure as hell respected each other. almost enough to work together..

it was a regular day. before walking into the guild, you wanted to take another route. it was a more beautiful day than usual, the sky was a sunny, beautiful blue instead of the normal gloomy, cloudy, gray sky. you even felt a warm breeze passing by you. you felt the sun beaming on your freckled face!

walking through the heavily-populated bazaar, you saw all of the many orange, red, and yellow spices displayed on the shaded stands. many native fruits hanged on strings above you. upon walking some more, you spotted a stand with many different colored bandanas and cloths.

the lady selling them asked you, smiling, "would you be interested in buying any? they're great for the riding through the desert! or you could buy the cloths to clean or polish that blaster of yours!" you looked down on your slightly stained gun, and you decided you should probably take some. you responded politely, "sure, i'll take two. a long cloth, and just a regular one. "any particular color?" "i'm fine with anything." "alright then, that'll be ten credits!" you took out your tiny black pouch and passed her the credits. she passes you the cloths. "have a great day." "thanks! you too."

you look at the cloths. she gave you a normal sized orange one, and a small blanket-like teal-green cloth. you look down on them, you would definitely put these to good use.

now as you were getting closer to the guild, all of the buildings surrounding you became more wore down, abandoned, and empty.

you went inside the dimly lit bar, and there was an extreme change in lighting. walking around, karga suddenly approached you seeming in a hurry. his face seemed urgent. also he rarely talks to you, whats going on?

"y/l/n! i need to talk to you. come on!" he whispered. he held your arm while guiding you to an empty table. "what happened?" "listen, i sent your buddy mando on a pretty difficult bounty." he paused to gather his words. "okay?.. congratulations?" "no! not congratulations! all the people i sent to that bounty havent came back. they've all died, and i can't afford letting our best hunter die too!" you stared at him blankly. "so.. you want me to make sure he doesnt get lost?" "y/n come on this is serious. just make sure he end up alive and gets the bounty. your the only one he likes around here, so im sure he'll accept your help." your eyes widened a bit and a flustered heat ran through you after he said you were the only he liked in the guild. was he trying to bribe you into doing this mission, or was he telling the truth? anyways, getting the thoughts out of your head, you responded, "okay, wait- what do i get out of this? whats my pay?" he pulls out a tracking device. "its my highest paying bounty, im sure you'll be fine splitting it up. besides, i'd say your doing pretty well in terms of money. you have the time." he says smugly. your pretty hesitant about this, you think about it for about a minute. "well i dont have all day!" he rushes you for an answer. "fine, i'll do it!" "alright. now theres no puck but all i can tell you from what i've heard is that the bounty is on the planet arvala-7, and it's fifty years old." he slides you the tracking fob across the smooth table. "you'll use this to track it. do not tell a soul about this. now, im sure you'll catch mando quickly, its a small planet. just work with him, bring back the bounty together, and then you go separate ways. got it?" he pulls out his hand to shake yours. you said smiling, "dont worry, i'll get him back." you shake his hand back.

now getting up to leave for your new mission, you picked up the device and walked out. nervousness filled you. sure, the bounty would be difficult- but other questions popped up. like, would he be annoyed that you have to "forcefully" stay by him? would he be upset that he had to split the bounty with you even though it was his? but, somewhat on the bright-side, you had different thoughts like: could you talk to eachother about your mandalorian roots? what did mando's voice sound like now? how would he treat you since you were his "favorite"? wait those last two ones are a little bit off... you get the point though! you were scared shitless on your partner, and not the mission?!

uh.. anyways! getting back to your place, you were packing your things and bringing it to your one seated starfighter left in an open space. it may not be the best ship, but it got you to point a, to point b. it still held a special place in your heart. why? because it was the first ship you bought with your own earned credits.

with everything settled and strapped in, you got inside the seat and closed the hardtop of the ship. turning on the starfighter, you pressed in the coordinates for the supposed planet where the bounty was.

pulling on the control lever, you were getting higher and higher off the ground. once the coast was clear, you tugged hard on the lever to make it to the further to the atmosphere. finding a way to make it hyperspace, you switched on more controls. then, you pulled up on another lever, forcing you down on your seat. it took you to an abyss of swirling clouds made up of all shades of blue.

whenever you went to hyperspace, you always thought that this part was the "calm before the storm" but now you werent so sure about it!

[phoenixradiant]

OC Interview Tag Game: Anesaru and Sizen

My thanks to @thewritingautisticat for the tag! I'm well into the cast of side characters at this point (and I probably have one of these in the bottomless backlog too), so let's do Anesaru and Sizen. This'll be fun.

Were you named after anyone?

Anesaru: "With a name like this I'd have to be. Four syllables? Unfortunately I can't remember for the life of me who it was."

Sizen: "Pretty sure it was your cousin twenty-one times removed. Said to have found a cure for Ram's Blight that singlehandedly wiped the disease off Amkarea."

Anesaru: "You knew that?"

Sizen: "This is only the fourth time you've forgotten since Chiodan. Besides, I'm named after her Dragon."

Anesaru: "You are?"

Sizen: "Lady Saru, believe me when I say you have a mind for everything except family history, but you do not have a mind for family history."

When was the last time you cried?

Anesaru: "When Sizen opened the Len-cursed door. I'm afraid my eyes aren't what they used to be. I suppose you mean really cried, though, and that was when I... I..."

Sizen: "Saru? Let's not talk about it. I'm afraid that means I can't answer either. Er, would you mind letting me hear future questions before you ask them?" *gets the whispered list* "We're not answering some of these."

Sizen has decided to strike the next question.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Anesaru: "I didn't used to, thought it was deceptive, didn't much like it. Now though, I like the thought it takes. It keeps the mind busy."

Sizen: "Picked up a bit in the army, but generally no."

What is the first thing you notice about people?

Anesaru: "How much light they let in. The ones who really care, when they come in, they open the door just a crack and slip through and close it again."

Sizen: "I do my best to tell them to keep the light down on their way in but most of them don't seem to listen. As for me... Curious, I don't know that I've ever really thought about it. I suppose if they have any weapons on them. You can tell a lot about a man by the weapons he chooses."

After deliberation, Sizen has decided to strike the next question.

Scary movies or happy endings?

Anesaru: "I don't suppose I hear much of either, these days. Just news. News is either good or bad, but it's rarely 'scary' or 'happy'. Except when the herbalist girl sent me a vial of that salve. I use it sparingly, but... Arknne... There's not a more wonderful feeling in the world. Now we know it works, Rel tells me she's working on more."

Sizen: "That's what we've heard. We're a bit busy with the other tasks you have for us to fetch it by wyvern, but some of her friends, caravan workers, have been entrusted with keeping the shipments constant."

Anesaru: "And what about you, Sizen? What kind of stories do you like?"

Sizen: "I try to stay away from that stuff. Haven't been to a play in over a year."

Anesaru: "Sizen! Don't deprive yourself of that over me!"

Sizen: "I only ever went because you were going anyway! I like doing things, not watching people pretend to do things!"

Anesaru: "Sizen Ul-Kuren, don't you lie to me! If I find out you're not living a life outside of worrying about me, I will grope my way to a window and throw myself out!"

Sizen: "That wouldn't even kill you, Saru. It would just hurt. A lot."

Anesaru: "That was my intention. That'll show you."

Any special talents?

Anesaru: "I used to be able to juggle. Last time I tried I ended up with a knife through my hand. I wasn't even juggling knives!"

Sizen: "A bit of magic here and there. Nothing that really improves society, just a few combat spells."

Anesaru: "You can literally throw lightning out of your body."

Sizen: "So can a lot of other people! It's hard, true, but it's hardly unique."

Anesaru: "You gave your father lightning burns when you were three."

Sizen: "And he caused a weird scar on my grandfather's hand. It runs in the family!"

Sizen has decided to strike the next question two questions

What sort of sports do you play?

Anesaru: "I used to be good at running. Ria, if it weren't so bright outside I'd probably still be good at running."

Sizen: "Combat sports, mostly."

How tall are you?

Anesaru: "Last I checked I'm a few hairs shy of my bodyguard. Hardly a good look, a monarch being shorter than those standing beside her."

Sizen: "So I got used to walking around barefoot. It works, she doesn't need much more height. Objectively I'd say a little over three ozrins" [call it 5' 10'']

What was your favourite subject in school?

Anesaru: "It wasn't Len-cursed family history. Probably mathematics."

Sizen: "Teare family history. One of us had to do it."

What is your dream job?

Anesaru: "To be honest I wish I'd never left the Guard. Didn't have much choice in the matter, but..."

Sizen: "If I'm honest, I don't much like honest work. Too repetitive. Too mind-numbing. Too purposeless. If I weren't looking after the queen I don't know what I'd do."

Anesaru: "I hardly see how that's not repetitive, these days."

Sizen: "But you're nice to talk to and it's far from purposeless. So here I'll stay. As long as you need me."

...

Hahahaha they're both emotionally wrecked in different ways. Welp, time for the tagging:

NP tagging @somethingclevermahogony, @aesthetic-writer18, and @pluppsauthor!

[bisexual-in-every-gender]

There should be a word for the palpable disappointment in you that you can feel emanating from your parents even through a phone screen, but that isn't voiced nor explicitly expressed. But you just feel it. You KNOW they're disappointed.

Long story short, I told my family that I'm legally changing my name and gender marker and that I'll have top surgery in March. And while they outwardly seemed OK with it, I knew they're either not taking me seriously or they're disappointed or both.

They have a history of not believing me about things. I came out as bisexual at 14 and my parents' reaction was "no, you're not". And that denial was helped by the fact that I grew up in a hostile Church environment, therefore pushing myself back in the deepest closet I could find and only ever dating men. Then I met my now wife pre-transition and half a year into our marriage, she came out as trans. I stayed with her because I love her and, as previously mentioned, I'm bi. So while there were initial difficulties concerning the legal side of things, my love was never in question. But even to this day, my parents seem to believe I don't actually love my wife. That I only stayed out of loyalty and the Christian belief that a divorce would be a sin. So it doesn't really come as a surprise to me that when I came out as genderfluid last year, they didn't take me seriously at all. They said they believe me, but yesterday it was demonstrated they didn't as they repeatedly misgendered and deadnamed me and called me their daughter. So that then prompted my reveal of the change of my legal status, top surgery, HRT etc. Well. I don't think they believe me. Or if they do, they'll blame my wife for it. Because "you never told us you were trans!" Listen, as a child I ALWAYS wanted to be a boy, I only ever played with boys, I was thrilled when people mistook me for a boy, I only ever felt a connection to male characters etc, but I also knew that I'm NOT a boy. My childlike understanding was "I wish I could be a boy, but I'm not and I can't change that". Because I genuinely didn't know that I could transition. I didn't know that even was a thing. It took my wife coming out as trans and transitioning to truly open my eyes and realise that, yes, of course I can transition! I do get to be a boy! But then I wanted to start a family and as my wife can't get pregnant, it was up to me, so I delayed my transition plans. But after years of misery and five failed IVF attempts, I've come to the point where I can't keep pushing away my transition because "it isn't the right time". The only time we have is now. I still want children but adoption could be a way or maybe I'll give pregnancy another shot later (still got a uterus after all). But I'm tired of putting my life on hold for a dream that may never come true. Transition at least IS a dream with a guarantee of working.

Anyway that disappointment was so palpable. Which is disheartening. I'm in a happy marriage, apart from the occasional bickering prevalent in nearly every relationship where you spend every day together, I got a stable and prestigious job and I'm enrolled in a university whose degrees are internationally recognised and if I graduated this year, it'd be with a 1st. My mental health has improved a lot (no thanks to my parents who believe my chronic depression is an excuse to get special treatment because with my life, how could I ever be depressed?), I took charge of my own life. I'm, if not always happy (chronic depression, remember?), at least content. I think I can be proud of myself. And yet... THEY are disappointed. Because I'm not the cis straight daughter that they wanted. I'm a biromantic demisexual genderfluid tattooed trans man in a relationship with a trans woman who turned his back on the Church because he was forced to stay in the closet for years and was sexually abused by another Church member (something my parents still claim didn't happen) and they can't stand it. It's a disappointment to them. When I first cut my hair, my mum cried for WEEKS. When I got my first tattoo, she wailed. And my dad's no better. He says nothing and just shakes his head in disappointment. But I'm happy! I'm thriving at work, university AND my marriage! I'd be THRILLED to have children like that! But no, I'm a disappointment.

All the focus is now on my younger sister who I love dearly but can't help but resent a bit because she's the golden child I'm constantly compared to. She's bi like me but happily in the closet outside of our immediate family circle, she is a good Christian girl that never rocks the boat and goes to Church and Bible study every Sunday, she is "the first in the family to go to university" (she isn't. I am. But because I already had a job going into it and it's a long distance uni, it "doesn't count").

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm frustrated and I'm also disappointed. I wanted my parents' support. I thought they'd see how happy I am. But all they see is a disappointment. I don't doubt their love for me but I think they love a version of me that doesn't exist or never existed in the first place. I'm not who they wanted me to be. And knowing that still hurts.

[princess199]

My little carrot (ANNE WITH AN E)

Anne was getting ready for school, still getting used to life with a family. Marcilla was still learning to love her. Marcilla crept into her room. She still couldn't believe that she had hated that girl so much, when she hadn't done anything. Even when the redhead finished her homework, she was a little afraid to see Marcilla. The old woman let out a dry laugh under her breath.

''Ready for school tomorrow?'' the woman asked. Anne nooded.

''I just…''''I just what?'' ''A little nervous,'' the redhead admitted. Marcilla raised an eyebrow. ''It's a very important moment for me. I'm going to make a lot of friends, learn a lot of things, and I know my reputation in this place isn't the best, but I know it can improve if I at least…'' Marcilla rolled her eyes. Anne really didn't know when to stop talking, but really, that was her charm.

''Just…'' ''Just what?'' ''A little nervous,'' the redhead admitted. Marcilla arched her eyebrow. ''It's a very important moment for me. I'm going to make a lot of friends, learn a lot of things, and I know my reputation in this place isn't the best, but I know it can improve if I at least…'' Marcilla rolled her eyes. Anne really didn't know when to stop talking, but really, that was her charm. ''Little one, you're lucky,'' the woman interrupted, grabbing her by the arms. ''Just, behave yourself, don't talk too much, be smart… it's easy.'' ''But I won't know how to stop talking!'' Anne complained. Marcilla was about to protest, but she knew it wasn't worth it. She grabbed Anne's hands, and gently gave her a kiss on the belly. A deep, loving kiss, which made the redhead squeal. ''Ouch!'' Anne squealed. Marcilla looked at her confused. “What?” ““What did you do?” asked Anne. Marcilla laughed, as Anne hadn't seen her laugh. “Rather, I should ask you if I tickled you,” Marcilla told her, before she patted Anne's belly all over. Anne couldn't stop moving. “You're so restless!” “Stop it!” Anne protested. “I don't like it!” “What?” Marcilla stopped. “How can it be that a restless girl like you doesn't like being tickled?” “I've never been… done that before,” the young girl clarified. Marcilla was surprised, but she knew she couldn't stop. “Oh, but that's serious, little carrot,” she joked. “I imagine that….” “What?” Marcilla pretended to bite Anne's belly. “I was just hungry. I could teach you a little.” Confused, Anne tried to get away from Marcilla, but the woman chased her without a word.

The girl didn't got any chance to run away when her mother catched her from behind, while laughing in her ear.

''Marcilla, let mee goo!'' Anne begged. Marcilla blew a raspberr in the girl's ear before nipping on it.

''You found the truth about this evil witch'' Marcilla said in a raspy way. Anne screeched when her mother picked her up and took her to the bed gently. ''Now you're mine, my little princess''

''I'm sorry, okey?'' Anne asked, using her puppie eyes to get out. But Marcilla was too hungry to listen. Too hungry for her daugther's love.

''Let's see if you're not a kid anymore, little Anne'' Marcilla started tickling the redhead with her fingers. Anne was moving too much and already couldn't stop laughing.

''STOPAHHAHAHA IIHIHTS''

Marcilla let Anne breathe for a second. She kissed her little live in the check, a big, bad kiss, that could heal any sadness.

''It's over?''

''Hm...'' Marcilla thought, placing her fingers over Anne's belly and pretending she was playing ''piano'' on them. ''I'm kinda hungry. I could eat anything, o anyone, right now''

Marcilla lift Anne's blouse while saying this. Anne catched inmediatly.

''NOHAHA!'' Anne demanded. That made everything worse for her.

''Hm... you seem excited about me eating you. I guess I'll start the fun part right now'' and before Anne could do any move, Marcilla plant tiny kisses in the girl's belly. Every which one with a '''muak, muak, muak''

''HIHIHI NOOO, LEHEHET MEHE GOU!'' The girl giggled.

Marcilla nooded and denied. '''You're so sweet and soft, I could eat you up'' she said, wither her lips still over Anne's poor belly. ''And I plan too'' The woman lifted her head. ''Aaaaand I will''

The woman started nipping and champ over the girl's belly, making her laugh (and enjoy) even more.

''You're so sweet, I'm gonna eat you up! Am nam nam nom nom''' she pretended to eat the girl's belly. Anne kicked and kicked, but the witch got her trapped. And the witch was her new mother. ''I'm gonna eat you alive, little carrott! Let me eat you all up!''

Marcilla continued to tickle and kiss her, until they heard Matthew was coming. Marcilla kissed Anne belly one more time, and spoke to her ''not a word'' very carefully. Anne just smiled and stayed in her bed.

She knew Marcilla had a soft spot.

[qvissvmi]

I reincarnated as a side character in my favourite novel to prevent the villain's death!

Chapter 2

"--- Renee, hey! Are you listening?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I want one cotton candy too, please!"

Cicilia handed over some copper coins in her right hand while she took two cotton candies in her other hand from the candy booth. We kept walking down the festive street.

"You've been quiet the whole way here. Are you alright, sweetie?"

"Mhm, just a bit shaken up. But now that I have cotton candy, I'm already in a better mood!"

I took a big bite and gulped it down in one go. Hanna picked a small piece and ate it bit by bit. Seeing us pleased, Cicilia sighed in relief and points at the other booths.

"Let's go look there too, shall we?"

In all honesty I was still processing that I was reborn in my favourite novel. I thought that the only abnormality were my memories from my past life. One day when I was still a toddler, I got terribly sick. I was bedridden and suffered from a high fever. Suddenly a vivid dream flashed before my eyes, or so I thought. But after I recovered, my mind started to clear up like a cloudless sky after the storm. My awareness of my surroundings improved tremendously, my thoughts became coherent and the dream felt more and more like memories. I've already accepted that magic exists in this universe because Cicilia has been teaching me. Before my memories returned that was my reality but I had my suspicions. Which is the real me? What if that dream wasn’t real after all? Now I know that I haven’t imagined it. Still, it’s ridiculous. And meeting the heroine is quite shocking for my little child brain.

"D-do you not feel well? Because of me, you had to go through the trouble…", Hanna said with a guilty look.

That’s no good. I can think about all that later. I made Hanna worry…

"It wasn't your fault! Who knows what that creep would have done to you if I didn't come? I don't regret it at all. It's just a pity that the guy disappeared before the guards could catch him." I took another huge bite and chew in frustration.

"They will find him soon. I'm sure of it!"

"Hopefully. Anyway, what about you? Do you feel alright?"

"Since Lady Cicilia invited me to go with you, I'm not scared anymore. But is it really okay for me to be here?"

"It is! I want to be with you, Hanna. Do you not?"

"No, I do! I haven't had that much fun in a long time…"

"Then let's try out lots of other fun stuff today!"

I took Hanna's hand and rushed off to the next attraction while Cicilia called out my name before she just let us run off in defeat. It's my duty as a fangirl to spoil her with every possible thing there is! As far as I know, her childhood consists of only lonely moments. Even after she gets adopted by family Wellmond, she wasn't able to call it her home. They only needed her as a replacement for the baron's daughter to marry her off for money and didn't spare a single sign of affection for her. It's going to be difficult to see her once she is part of the Wellmond family, but until then I want to be there for her as much as I can.

"There is even a carousel! Do you want to ride it with me?"

"Sure!"

We jump on the wood horses and circled a few rounds. Even though I felt a bit silly as an adult in spirit, I couldn't help but grin like a fool. When I looked over to Hanna, she was busy clinging to her horse while screaming and laughing  simultaneously. She couldn't open her eyes for the most of the ride, but her laughter exposed her genuine excitement. 

After the ride ended, Hanna couldn't stand straight and seemed to be dizzy for a while. I noticed that a thread of her dress got loose that probably was caught up on the wood horse.

"Looks like you two had a blast, haha! Shall we rest a little bit before we continue?"

"That would be nice…", Hanna giggled.

"The bench over there seems free. Let's sit there and I get us some water."

I lend my shoulder to Hanna and slowly let her slide off on the bench. While Cicilia looked for some refreshments, I glanced at Hanna's dress again.

"Your dress seems pretty worn out."

"Oh, I wear this dress almost every day. I don't have a lot of clothes at home so I try to repair it later."

"Hmm, I see."

I looked around for a clothes seller nearby. Hanna quickly caught on what I was thinking.

"Please don't feel the need to buy me something! You already gave me plenty of nice things today… I couldn't ask for more."

"But I still want to give you a present! To remember this day."

"You're too kind, Renee. Really, I'm okay."

This back and forth reminds me of mom arguing with her friends over who pays the bill. But I will not back down!

"That won't do. Wait here, I'll be right back." Before Hanna could say anything, I already rushed over to the booth across the street. After a short while I returned with a little bag.

"A scarf should be okay, right? Nothing expensive either. And as my friend, you don't need to be so humble! Please, take it."

"Renee… okay, I accept this. Thank you so much!"

It's strange; seeing Hanna happy makes me want to try harder in this life. Maybe that's why I remember my past life, to atone for all the wasted time and potential I willingly threw away. Now that I have the knowledge to change someone's life for the better, I should take it in my own hands. While Hanna plays on the stage, I will help her out behind the scenes. Thank you dear author, I truly loved your novel, but this time I will save my favourite characters! Even the villain!

[axels-corner]

Chapter 5 of the coffee shop au

summary: the tour finishes

Notes: this chapter is a little shorter, but the next one is longer.

you can find chapter 4 here

Characters: Oralie, Kenric, and Terik

Words: 884

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/48995623/chapters/125459422

Oralie didn't seem phased, she just stood there for a few moments before asking

“Who was that?”

“That was Dimitar, we call him King Dimitar though because he owns one of the tattoo shops next to ours called Ravogog.”

“Is there another one?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well you said one of, that implies there's more than one.”

“Oh, yeah. On the other side of us Hylda, but we call her Queen Hylda, runs a tatoo and coffee shop. That's one of the reasons he and Queen Hylda have such a rivalry because they both run tattoo shops.”

“What's the other reason?”

“It's good for business, gets the public interested in what's going on, it's how they skyrocketed their businesses popularity.” Kenric leaned into whisper to Oralie “Don't tell anyone but their actually really good friends.”

“Sounds cool.” Before Oralie could ask about what he and Dimitar was talking about again he changed the conversation

“Speaking of them the next part of the tour is the other main shops.”

“Who are they?” Oralie asked falling into step with him

“Didn't you got to Foxfire?” She shrugged

“It's been a while, plus its interesting to listen to you explain it. And before you ask I don't often come to this side of town I usually stay more towards the Vackers part since it's where my family is.” That was actually going to be his next question so he just nodded

“Well you've already met King Dimitar who runs Sadlitzagvatka-”

“I thought you called it Ravagog?”

“That's what it's called now, but when it first opened that's what it was called.”

“What are the other cities called?” She asked

“Well there's Nymtyranyth which is called Loamnore which is run by King Enki, he has a temper though so watch out. They're the building left on the mall, I'll point them out when we get there. They sell rocks and minerals and stuff like that also tools.”

“So kinda like a home improvement store like Home Depot.” Kenric considered it before nodding

“Basically. The building in the center right there is Serenvale, the best flower shop around.”

“I can smell them from here, it's amazing, it reminds me of when Ke- when an old friend would get me flowers.” Everything in Kenric wanted to ask so badly why she acted like they didn't know eachother, but he was able to shove it back down and to put the lid back on he immediately changed the subject.

“The building to the right of the mall was originally Weeriiduulooaa but is now called Marintrylla. It's a gym, but they also have classes on self defense, and cycling and stuff.”

“What's your favorite class?” Oralie asked as the walked out of the mall

“I enjoy doing the water aerobic, or yoga classes, I find them relaxing, occasionally Terik will go with me to then we'll go out to eat.”

“That sounds fun, I'll have to check it out.” Oralie said

“I would recommend it you can make some good friends, it's where I met Kesler in our high school years of Foxfire.” They started walking back to the Council Cafe as it was nearly closing time.

When they walked in they where greeted by a very long line and an even more relieved Emery. Turning his head to look at Oralie he asked

“Ready for your first rush hour?” She looked nervous but nodded nonetheless. The rest of it was a blur though he could see how desperately Terik wanted to talk to him as every time there seemed to be a lull in the crowd he would pull him away only for them to get slammed by customer again. Kenric had been working there for a couple months but he'd never seen so many people before, when he glanced at Emery, Bronte and the other older councilors they didn't seem to be stressed about the rush hour, they seemed relaxed and happy about it.

Finally the rush was over the day was ended and they where closing up shop. He saw Terik power walking towards him, but before he got there Oralie grabbed his arm and pulled him to the couch to talk. When he looked back at Terik he looked like he was going to explode, and Kenric thought he was supposed to be the strawberry.

“What did you want to talk about?” Oralie opened her mouth like she was going to say something but changed her mind at the last minute and asked

“Is it always that busy.” He filed the moment away in his brain with all the others and shook his head,

“Not usually, at least not in the time that I've worked her.” Oralie nodded

“Well, I won't keep you. See you again to do it again tomorrow?”

“Yep.” and she walked off, and immediately Terik took her place linking there arms together

“We have so much to talk about.” Terik said

“We do.” Kenric agreed, before stopping “Wait I have to get the caramel and chocolate chips.” Terik tugged lightly on his arm, limping a little as he did, his achilles had been giving him problems again Kenric knew. He just hopped it wasn't anything to serious.

“I already got them, we're going to Kesler's to see if we can figure this out.”

Coffee Shop au taglist: (if you want to be added or removed just let me know)

@winterfireice @official-kenralie-fanbase @antisocialdork

[stonewallsposts]

Language learning 

It has been over 10 years since the last time I was in Italy, which was 2011. While I have occasionally exercised my Italian in the meantime, it's been few and far between. Even having the Italian girl here at the office for nine months didn't result in any real practice. Early on, I asked her if I could practice with her and she said 'sure', but in my everyday experience, she nearly always responded in English if I tried speaking Italian with her. Very rarely would she indulge me. When her family came here, they spoke English with me. So knowing that I'm going to Italy this November, I want to practice more. 

I've been reading, which increases my vocabulary slightly; it ought to increase it ALOT, but I seem to be struggling with retaining the vocab as I get older. The biggest problem for me is speaking and understanding it, because I have no day-to-day contact with the spoken language.  

My son recently sent me a news blurb that Italy may initiate a language proficiency test for those that want citizenship. I wondered if I myself would be able to pass such a test. Looking into it, I found the level of proficiency required would be a B1 on the CEFR (Common European Framework Reference). That is the lower intermediate level. I took three online example tests yesterday and I easily passed the tests, although I also made errors on each of them. Most of those were minor grammatical errors, and honestly, at no point was I confused about any of the vocab. But that's reading.... 

At this point I'm certain I would be able to pass a written test.  

To help with my listening comprehension, I've been watching a few Italian TV shows. I watch those with English subtitles because 1) it helps me to full grasp what is being said, and 2) I'm not the only one watching. But it does help in reminding me of vocabulary, and also just hearing and understanding.  

I was watching a youtube video the other day where the guy was talking about this deficiency in language learning that everyone has; essentially, you can't really learn a language simply by reading a book to gain grammar rules and vocabulary. You must put in the time listening and practicing saying things in return. 

He spoke about how spoken language elides words, making it difficult to comprehend if you aren't in the habit of hearing it. For native English speakers, we have no problem making sense of the checker at a convenience store saying 'j'a wanna bag withat?' because of context and because we've heard the combination. But the elision throws non-native listeners something fierce. It happens for me in Italian. I need to accustom my ear to hearing it.  

The guy in the youtube video suggested just constantly listening to target-language content, so that your ear will acclimate to hearing the sounds. So recently I've been listening to more Italian content during the day while I'm working. 

I've also started taking 15 minutes every day and reading Italian out loud, so that my mouth can get used to speaking the words. I have, for some time, noticed that I can speak a few sentences out loud relatively fluidly. But after that, I start to get bogged down. This means that conversation can be very tedious with me. Which probably explains why the Italian speakers who have any level of fluency in English would prefer to speak English rather than Italian with me. 

I used to, in my prayer time, take time to pray in Italian, always out loud, so that I could train myself to speak it too. But I would usually only do this for a few minutes at a time.  

Anyway, I'm hoping these efforts pay some dividends and I improve my listening and speaking skills. But in all reality, without actually moving there, or finding some community here that will speak Italian to me, I'm aware I'll always be limited in what I can accomplish. 

[lovdyke]

😕

[kellanthalman]

the  paradox  between  the  two  went  unidentified  ,  kellan  never  knowing  that  charlie  held  on  so  tightly  to  many  of  the  worries  and  bitter  twists  that  he  did  .  it  could  be  easily  spotted  that  in  the  world  of  kellan  then  most  things  revolved  around  them  but  that  didn't  mean  they  didn't  care  about  charlie  at  all  …  that  their  friendship  hadn't  meant  anything  to  them  before  they  had  evolved  into  this  peculiar  final  form  .  emil  and  charlie  meant  the  world  to  kellan  ,  it  might  have  seemed  that  he  mainly  used  them  as  sounding  boards  but  if  there  was  anyone  he  might  vaguely  listen  to  then  it  was  one  of  those  two  men  and  it  would  have  truly  broken  his  heart  to  know  how  little  belief  charlie  had  in  himself  .  once  upon  a  time  in  a  universe  that  was  the  same  but  felt  far  away  then  they  could  finish  each  others  improv  ,  words  flowing  and  recitals  done  in  living  rooms  or  to  nannies  that  kellan's  mother  dutifully  insisted  on  being  around  on  every  occasion  .  kellan  and  charlie  had  been  more  than  friends  ;  they  had  been  family  .  now  ,  it  seemed  that  charlie  might  have  felt  a  world  away  from  kellan  but  kellan's  perspective  never  changed  .  often  blind  to  how  things  had  transpired  ,  the  way  that  dreams  came  to  crash  ,  burn  and  die  like  fallen  stars  or  meteors  …  kellan  didn't  understand  the  path  that  charlie  chose  and  wondered  why  if  he  wasn't  happy  then  he  didn't  change  it  .  so  as  not  to  further  rub  in  his  success  (  in  that  moment  )  ,  "  i'm  glad  ,  "  he  simply  responds  .  and  ,  he  is  …  because  it  will  become  clear  the  moment  that  it  hits  the  theatre  that  the  mystery  encompasses  those  close  to  him  . not  deterred  by  questions  about  the  mysterious  girl  that  they  had  met  at  the  met  gala  ,  he  just  chuckles  with  bemusement  that  sounds  more  down  to  earth  than  normal  .  "  of  course  she's  real  .  do  you  think  i'm  insane  ?  "  a  question  that  probably  didn't  need  to  be  answered  considering  how  kooky  kellan  could  be  on  a  regular  basis  ,  a  unique  individual  who  didn't  see  anything  they  were  doing  as  anything  but  normal  ,  regular  behaviour  that  was  to  be  expected  from  someone  living  with  the  many  talents  they  possessed  .  maybe  a  little  delusional  to  expect  that  some  epic  romance  had  began  and  maybe  questionable  of  charlie  to  even  think  that  what  they  had  spoken  about  with  said  girl  was  of  any  great  importance  ,  kellan  looks  directly  at  him  when  he  explains  ,  "  we  were  talking  about  the  meaning  of  scooby  doo  …  the  truth  hidden  in  the  cartoon  …  she  really  changed  my  perspective  on  the  whole  thing  ,  "  something  that  was  hard  to  do  not  because  kellan  was  stubborn  but  because  he  barely  listened  to  anyone  ,  at  any  time  .  "  i  don't  think  you're  a  playboy  ,  you  don't  have  enough  fun  ,  "  thinking  this  is  a  helpful  comment  about  charlie's  hardworking  character  sandwiched  between  more  information  about  his  mystery  lonely  hearts  moment  .  "  i  don't  know  who  she  is  but  she  was  the  most  magnificent  woman  i've  ever  seen  in  my  life  full  of  the  intelligence  of  an  other  worldly  sentient  being  ,  "  he  sighs  hopelessly  staring  into  the  distance  ,  hand  on  heart  ,  reminiscing  on  the  moment  that  she  had  challenged  him  on  scrappy  doo  sympathisers  .

when  kellan  spoke  with  conviction  it  caused  a  slight  twinge  in  charlie's  chest;  not  because  he  didn't  think  they  shouldn't  believe  in  himself,  but  because  charlie  knew  he  wouldn't  ever  have  such  a  confidence  within  himself.  despite  the  many  years  that  ha  passed,  he  still  found  it  difficult  to  accept  that  the  two  of  them  had  grown  up  so  close  to  each  other;  similarities  in  education,  surroundings,  dreams  and  income,  and  yet  the  two  couldn't  have  turned  out  any  different.  the  optimist  he  was  when  he  was  younger  wanted  to  believe  that  despite  his  parents'  disapproval,  that  he  would  be  able  to  explore  his  love  of  poetry,  travel  the  world,  write  to  his  heart's  content  and  they'd  come  around  in  time.  kellan,  whether  they  meant  to  be  or  not,  had  been  a  big  reason  as  to  why  he  held  that  belief.  with  an  inability  to  take  responsibility,  he  discontent  with  himself  turned  into  resentment  for  one  of  his  closest  friends.  ❝  well  i'm  happy  for  your  mysterious  new  project.  ❞  at  least  he  wanted  to  be.  he  really  wanted  to  be.  he  hoped  that  was  enough  to  keep  the  bitterness  from  slinking  its  way  between  his  words. jarring  as  the  topic  shift  was,  charlie  is  grateful  for  it.  he  didn't  want  to  sit  and  sit  even  more  sorry  for  himself  than  he  normally  did.  straightening  his  shoulders  once  more  he  pulled  himself  out  of  his  pity  party,  and  back  into  the  conversation.  ❝  was  she  real  ?  ❞  the  skepticism  within  his  tone  is  more  of  a  joke  than  held  with  any  true  malice,  but  the  taunting  smirk  he  wore  quickly  dying  down  as  he  realized  how  serious  kellan  seemed  to  be  about  the  mystery  woman.  ❝  that's  some  serious...━━━  i  don't  know,  feelings  ?  are  these  feelings  you  have  for  her  ?  like  more  than  just  a  she's  pretty  and  i  talked  to  her  for  more  than  five  minutes  feelings  ?  ❞  he  asked.  the  question  turned  on  him  making  charlie  shift  uncomfortably  as  it  was  just  yet  another  experience  kellan  would  get  to  have  that  charlie  never  would.  he  knew  it  was  a  childish  thought  to  have  and  he  hated  that  it  was  the  first  one  that  crossed  his  mind,  but  the  knowing  did  nothing  to  squash  the  envy  that  came  along  with  it.  ❝  you  think  if  i  had  i  would  be  labelled  as  the  hastings  playboy  ?  but,  how  are  you  so  sure  about  her  ?  what  did  you  talk  about  anyway  ?  better  yet,  who  is  she  ?  ❞

[cha0ticatfy]

✦ 𝑾𝑬𝑺𝑻 𝑪𝑶𝑨𝑺𝑻 ✦

(Ari Levinson x Naive Reader!) One shot

⠈⠂⠄ ☆⠄⠂⠁ ☆⠁⠂⠄ ☆⠄⠂⠁ ☆⠁⠂⠄ ☆⠄⠂⠁ ☆⠄⠂⠁

· Plot: When you travel to the coast for undefined time, didn´t thought in meeting a man with whom you would end up falling in love.

· ¡Warnings! SMUT, +18 ONLY. Naive reader, innocence kink! Age gap (Reader is in a legal age) Explicit language, size kink! Horny thots, Size kink! Pet names (Doll, Princess) p in v Fluff,!! explicit language, mentions of reader losing her virginity, talking about marriage, mention of using condom! if I missed someone please let me know! Not following the RSDR plot

· IF YOU DON´T LIKE ANYTHING ABOUT THAT PLEASE KEEP SCROLLING, MINORS WILL BE BLOCKED.

· Autor’s note: Heyyy I really hope that you like this One Shot, this is inspired in the song “West Coast” By Lana Del Rey, everything written here was thought and written by me, you do not have permission to adapt it for any platform,

English is not my native language, I apologize for writing errors, I will try to improve as long as I keep practicing

· Reblogs, notes and likes are appreciated! Feel free to make requests <3

⠈⠂⠄ ☆⠄⠂⠁ ☆⠁⠂⠄ ☆⠄⠂⠁ ☆⠁⠂⠄ ☆⠄⠂☆⠄⠂⠁

University was out, summer vacation never sounded so exciting before, previous years your vacations consisted of going camping with your parents and their friends, listening to boring business talk, and eating so many roasted marshmallows until the sugar completely invaded your system.

But this year is different, coming of age had privileges and disadvantages, but at least you can choose where to spend the rest of your vacation before worrying about finding a job because the university was over.

Going to the coast didn't sound so bad, as a child you went to visit your grandmother a lot and spent most of the time together, until family problems drove you further and further away, fortunately this was the opportunity to recover quality time with your grandmother, or..not? whatever the stay would be nice.

The first days were pleasant, you talked until dawn with your grandmother about stories that both had lived, cooking together, and learning to sew dresses with the old fabrics that she kept in the shed, but without a doubt your favorite activity is the handmade pearl necklaces, in a small wooden box there were different miniatures to make jewelry, and absolutely that was one of your favorite hobbies.

One afternoon you decided to leave your room and enjoy the sunset at sea, only wearing a purple nightgown of soft fabric, admiring the pink and orange colors that were reflected in the water of the vast sea, you slowly entered to swim on the sea, seeing the sea shells and feeling how the small waves rock your body, there is nothing more beautiful than summer on the west coast, or so you thought until when you came to the surface and you saw him.

A 6'8 tall, bearded man with long hair, shirtless, only wearing shorts, he was smoking a cigarette while watching the pink sunset too, he seemed interesting, handsome, and attractive in a way that only he could be.

"hello" an innocent look and nervous smile made him smile a little, his presence was evident, and he could intimidate anyone

"hey" he said as he finished blowing out the cigarette smoke

"Haven't I seen you around here before, tourist?"

"Oh no, I'm here indefinitely, I'm staying with my grandmother for the summer"

"nice" he said as he continued to watch the sunset

"And…. you? Do you live here?

you came out of the sea, the difference in height was noticeable, and in age too, after all he is a grown man

"I work in the mechanical workshop of the city, that's why I obviously live here"

With the cold air and drops of water dripping from your nightgown, your hard nipples were noticeable on the soft fabric of the nightgown.

"You should go in and put on a sweater, you're going to catch a cold in the evening air"

Confused you turned to see the sky just to check the weather, slowly the air changing to a fresh summer breeze

Turning back, you saw him walking to the right, casually leaving.

"hey, wait! what's your name?” you said raising your voice, he turned his head over his shoulder

"Ari" he said as he raised his hand to say goodbye and turned around.

You saw him go away while the fresh wind blew stronger and stronger, you ran through the sand towards your grandma house, you went up to the bathroom and you could see your appearance in the mirror, unruly hair and after all this time, a transparent nightgown that clearly shows your body, you sighed in shame and took a cold shower.

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It had been one week since you saw Ari Near the coast, you simply found him attractive, whatever it was that one day when you were going out to watch the sunset became a routine, going every day without fail to sit in front of the sea and create pearl necklaces and collecting shells by the sand.

You caught Ari's attention, since the first time he saw you that afternoon swimming in the sea, it wasn't very common for his life to have new experiences, business, money, money and business that was his life, he almost never took the time to appreciate cute things like you and to be honest, Ari is an observant man, he paid attention from his balcony while he smoked, he watched how you stayed up late in front of the sea, dancing and laughing alone over little occurrences that only made sense in your head, if only he knew that part of your occurrences had to do with him, and maybe not yet in a lustful way.

He could tell how naive you are by the way you get excited when you see the sea as if it were the first time.

And the next day he was coming back from work, seeing from afar the little lady keeping seashells in her hair.

"Ari…hi!" you said smiling when you saw him, he really didn't seem like a bad guy, and he isn't but a part of him really wanted to push your limits.

“Hello doll how was your day ?” you smiled slightly “Fun, I stayed here, and I stopped by the supermarket to buy some things” you said while watched the man place his backpack on the sand and sit next to you,

He lit a cigarette to take a drag

"Can...Can I try?" You said while pointing your index finger at the cigarette.

"Oh doll, sweet girls like you shouldn't try this, I don't even know if you're of legal age" Ari knew, he knew that you're of legal age, otherwise he would have deprived himself of paying attention to you, anyway he wanted to know how far you would go.

“Well I´m 19, I’m a grown woman and I can try a cigarette if I want” You said as you raised your head to try to reach his height, even though you were sitting there were still noticeable centimeters of difference between you,

"Tell me your name and maybe I'll let you try a little doll"

"y/n" you said while looking into his eyes trying to scan his reaction, you wanted to try new things this summer, smoking is bad you've heard it hundreds of times, but Ari aroused in you the desire to learn new things.

He smirked and passed you the cigarette,

"You have to take a deep breath and release after a while"

you did it, and you thought you did it right, but a cloud of hot smoke passing through your throat, burning you and making you cough said the opposite,

"you see, this is not for girls as pretty as you" he said while patting your back.

"Then why do you like it so much?"you said. "hard to explain doll"

After a while in silence enjoying each other's company, you talked "do you have family here? I always see you alone"

"Well yes I have my family, my brother is in the city and my parents too"

"Oh” after a long pause you talked again “... are you married?" God knows that question came naturally, Ari would think it was an insinuation, of course if the question came from another girl, he laughed but just because your innocent look he noticed that you really wanted to know.

"No, that's not for me" simple answer, you were about to ask him something else, ask him why he believed that marriage was not for him, but he interrupted you by returning the question

"Do you have a boyfriend doll?"

you moved your head to the sides saying no, Ari was internally glad of the answer, he didn't think any boy deserved to be with someone like you, he didn't even think that he was worthy to talk to you, such an innocent girl quickly trusting a stranger who had just know Which would be dangerous if he wasn't as respectful as he's been.

"I liked a boy from the university, but he has a girlfriend" you said wanting to open more to the conversation.

“Well sometimes boys are trash, they miss it”

you laughed loudly, "what?" he said while laughing a little too.

"You sounded like my best friend, she would say things like that"

"How long will you stay here?" he said, his question wiped the smile off your face as you remembered that you had to go home, "I don't know, I'll just go back to look for a job, I'd like to become independent" he noticed how your moods changed "hey don't get discouraged, the world is wide and there are beautiful things in every corner of it, you are proof of it"

"you think I'm pretty" you smiled proud, self-centered, happy that the handsome man said you're pretty

"How old are you Ari?"

"Ouch, do you want to make me feel old? I'm 40 doll"

"oh you're already an old man" fantasizing and thinking about it made you feel butterflies in your stomach, without even knowing why, but risky sounded attractive.

"You really think I'm an old man? An old man couldn't do this" he said and then got up and took you by the waist and carried you. Strong laughter came out of your mouth while Ari carried your body with ease.

"Ari stop! I can't anymore" you said while you ran out of air from laughing so much at the game of chase and catch that Ari was doing

he was getting hard just hearing you say that he likes the sound of your laugh and what you say while you laugh out loud, but he would like to hear it in another context, an adult context.

it was getting dark, the moon reflected in the sea and Ari was hungry "Come with me I know a nice place we could go"

you turned to see your grandmother's house, staying inside, and missing out on the fun was not one of the plans so you decided to accompany him.

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A small restaurant set in the sea, surfboards as decoration and marine animals, phosphorescent lamps and Hawaiian tables, they entered the restaurant, you took two Hawaiian necklaces, you wanted to put one on Ari but he is simply taller, with tenderness he bent down so that you will place it.

The people who worked in the restaurant knew him and looked at you amazed, a 6´8 bearded man, owner of important mechanics from the west coast, together with an adorable and innocent girl with unruly hair and a pale blue beach dress.

He pulled your chair over for you to sit down while you took the menu, "It's really nice here" you said as he ordered the waiter two drinks "do you drink alcohol doll?"

"I've never tried it, but I could try" for Ari that was a resounding no, he didn't want you to end up with a hangover and bad experiences, "I'll order a lemonade with tequila and for her an orange juice"

"and my drink?" a noticeable pout was seen on your face

"You'll try mine; I don't think you'll end up liking it"

You got up from the table when a catchy song began to play on the small restaurant floor, dancing enjoying the moment, you approached Ari to the dance floor, you both danced together and he carefully put his hands on your back without warning you took his hands and you went to your waist, with confidence you saw him smiling and they continued dancing

And that Ari liked that you were sure of yourself,

The night passed normally, enjoying the stories that each one had to tell, Ari drinking his tequila with lemonade, sure that the alcohol had no effect on his system.

He checked his watch to realize that it was already midnight

"Doll we should go back" "but Ariiii I'm having a lot of fun with you" you said with a pout on your face, and Ari was clearly proud of it, "I know doll but we should go back, then I'll take you to more nice places near here but it's time to go" "mmkay" you said as you placed your empty glass on the table,

He paid and you both walk with entwined hands, going back the on way he had traveled since he arrived at the coast years ago, the same path you memorized after spending a few weeks in that beautiful place, swinging their hands as they walked, you both walked in front of the sea, you stopped walking

"Is everything okay doll?" he said trying to analyze if something was wrong, you compared his big and warm hand next to yours, your small and soft hand decorated with pastel pink nail polish, you saw it for a few seconds and you got up to kiss him which took Ari by surprise, he took you by the waist to give you stability while he reacted by taking control of the kiss, it was obvious that it was your first kiss since the lack of experience of your lips showed it to him, he began to get hard, you gave up trying to take control of the kiss, leting yourself be guided by him, the taste of alcohol and cigarettes in his mouth began to please you, a feeling that only happened when you watched romantic movies on television started to be created between your legs.

You both separated due to lack of air before that dominant kiss, he could observe you, illuminated by the light of the moon with puffy lips and tired eyes your where really tired, his erection was noticeable on his canvas pants, you smiled innocently and with lust, to then run quickly to your grandmother's house, you carried your shoes in your hands, your hair free by the wind and traces of your bare feet in the sand leaving a small path on the sand.

"Fuck doll, you will end up being my perdition” he said as he watched your little silhouette disappear as you ran

you arrived home, agitated, happy and with adrenaline that made your heart beat fast, you went up to your room and in your bed looking at the ceiling while you remembered everything that happened in a moment, small tickles in your intimate zone made you tremble, you have never felt something so strong for someone, and it feels so forbidden because you feel it for a man who is years older than you, now you were happy, hot and tired

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the next day you went out again in front of the sea, remembering what happened the night before, excited for the rest of the time here and wishing it would not end, but surprisingly Ari did not arrive at the time he used to do it, it was getting late and you decided enter your house again, your grandmother was not at home, on Saturdays she goes out with her friends and usually she came back the next day so you have one day alone per week, it was around 11 at night, you were in your pants pink plaid and a little tank top with a strawberry embroidered on the front, waiting for the microwave to finish making the popcorn before watching a movie

The doorbell rang which was strange to you because your grandmother hardly ever receives people on her house,

It was Ari, a black leather jacket and a gray shirt, boots, and blue canvas pants, more attractive than you remembered him

"Hello Ari, I didn't know you would come, which is also funny because I never told you where I live" you said joking, you invited him to come forward, "I've come here a couple of times to repair some things, and how careless I would be if I didn't know where my girl lives" he said

his girl you liked how it sounded and it seemed like a nice way he perceived you,

the microwave sounded breaking the silence, the popcorn was ready, you went to the kitchen for a bowl "why did you run doll?" you turned to see him, you felt small for a moment "did you think he was going to come after you and catch you?" you swallowed hard, that wasn't really what you wanted, it was just a bit of fun

"well no, princess I don't run after what I want, I go patiently for it" he went to the kitchen, "well here you are now" you said while he placed behind your ear a lock of your hair "is this a game for you princess?" you moved your head to the sides, it wasn't, but you're such a tease "N..no Ari" he took your chin with his hands so you could see "I like you princess, you're pretty and I promise to be there for you and take care of you, and spoil you, only if you let me"

"Yes," never you a word come out of your mouth so quickly, he kissed you a dominant kiss, claiming what is his "you left me hard the other day" "I guess you finished horny too right princess" how could he know?

"When you kissed me.. I felt ticklish" Ari smirked, "I know doll, where did you feel it?" you gave him an innocent look you both knew where

While he was playing with your lips with his thumb, you opened your mouth to sigh and he took the opportunity to put his thumb in your mouth, instinctively you made way for him sucking his thumb, but he wanted you to use your words, "down there..." you said softly,

"does your pussy tingle when I kiss you like this?" He took your chin again to kiss you, separating the kiss and feeling how the smell of his man's perfume was impregnated on your neck as he passed his lips over your neck "ah...ah...Ari it tingles"

the scratchy effect that his beard produced on the skin of your neck it started to make you feel wet, "so sweet, you smell so good princess, I wonder if you taste as good as you smell"

"Why don't you come check it out yourself?" you said laughing, "oh doll I'm sure you fantasize about me taking you, taking your small and fragile body in my hands and kissing you in such pure places that you have"

"A..Ari..please"

"please what doll?” “what do you want my little girl huh?"

"ah.mm..Ari" meaningless words and monosyllables came out of your mouth while he play with one of your nipples on the fabric of your shirt, "the first time I saw you come out of the sea, you were so pretty, it seemed that the beers that I had taken they were making me see the sirens of the sea, but it was you"

"Ari whait.." he stopped "I really want to do it with you, but I've never had something like that with any man before, please be gentle” he saw you with love and lust, but the lust doesn´t mean to be a dick with you "doll of course I will be, just trust me" He took you by the hand and went out the door, you both walked to his house, you entered and saw the furniture and the comfortable esthetics for such a beautiful house, you both went up the stairs and reached his room, the main room with a large balcony and a bed with black sheets and big white pillows the only thing that illuminated the place was the light of the full moon, slowly he took your shirt and searched your eyes to ask for approval, you nodded and he removed it above your head, your small breasts being attacked by the raspy kisses that Ari gave them "Ah...Ah....Ari I like...I like it"

so sensitive, your first time doing something so impure with someone and even better, someone who really knew what they're doing "those college kids will never know how to do it like me," said while he was lying you on the bed, you watched Ari get rid of her jacket leather and his T-shirt, his muscular body and his hair that went down to his intimate zone made you bite your lip, they were so different, your pale skin prickled when he slowly lowered your pink pajama pants, leaving you exposed to him only wearing little purple panties that matched your skin tone,

"it's not fair I'm almost naked and you're not" you said laughing Ari smiled and started tracing small circles on your clit on top of your panties "Ah.ahg..Ari" meaningless moans and heavy breaths flooded the room, desperate you lowered your panties to give him more access, a wet circle was on your panties,

"So desperate for my doll? "Look how wet you are, all this for me?"

"y..yes..ah. Only for you" he carefully slid his middle finger through your folds making you shake in pleasure, he slowly inserted a finger and you let out a screech of pain , you had never entered that such an intimate place, a little discomfort made you close your legs, he opened them again and with a slow rhythm he place a rhythm

"My perfect and pretty doll, you are so beautiful when you are so clouded with pleasure" after a minute of playing with your clit you started to feel the orgasm "Ari I feel ... Strange...Ari...ah" it was your first orgasm approaching, "let it go for me princess"

"ah..Ari..Ahh" your walls giving you intense pleasure as they squeezed Ari's fingers, "so fucking tight doll" he said, you smiled happily after that feeling of pleasure that made you feel like the air you breathe is purer, you sat slowly on the bed, watching Ari, and of course he couldn't be happier to see you pleased, admiring how your hair, which was always messy, fell slightly down your cheeks,

He unbuttoned his pants remaining in boxers, you approached the edge of the bed and curiously touched his already hard member "fuck, doll"

"you're very hard," you said while you looked at him astonished, he lowered his boxers to reveal his erect member, you opened your eyes in surprise, you've never seen “that” before in real life, "Ari... you're so big, that's not going to fit" you said amazed and worried while you touched him with your hand, cleaning a drop of pre cum from his member

"doll, I'll be gentle " He took a condom out of his wallet, put it on,and you watched intently the process expectantly as to what he would do next. a little convinced you agreed "we won't do anything you don't want to do", "I want to try new things Ari, and I want to do it with you" you told him while he smiled, his erection brushing your stomach, you slowly settled back on the bed, and he guided his member to your entrance

allowing the head of his cock to enter slightly, a groan of pain remind him that he should be careful with you, he began to slowly introduce himself on top of you feeling how tight you are, "so tight, taking me so well, you are perfect princess"

"Ah Ari... It hurts so bad...Ari please" you said as large tears ran down your cheeks, he took your legs and placed them on his waist, you are lying down and he with his feet still on the floor, he leaned down to kiss your cheeks and say nice things to you. distract you from the pain, after a few seconds he began to give some soft but firm thrusts making you release some "huh" of pleasure, while he strongly took your hips and moaned how much he liked being inside you, your breathing became more agitated, you began to squeak his name louder, you were reaching the climax and so was he, while he saw how your small breasts bounced while he rammed you, he could feel

how your walls squeezed him letting him know you were reaching orgasm, "Ari I'm ah..." a loud moan sounded throughout the room when you still felt waves of pleasure run through your body, Ari increased her speed and came inside the condom staying a little longer inside you, while he felt how his breathing leveled off, he took his member out of your pussy and gave a few small blows with it on your clit, making you tremble with pleasure as it intensified your sensitivity

you turned around and smiled broadly as you felt the fresh air that came through the window, sensitivity in your intimate area and a lot of adrenaline,

Ari got rid of the condom and lay with you on your bed, recovering her normal breathing, "Ari i Loved it" you said as you hid your head on his chest, he caressed your back and played with your hair, "You're perfect doll" he kissed you on the forehead, he put it on you his shirt, you smell of him and that makes you feel so good, so desired and loved by the man who since he saw you felt that you were a mirage because of how beautiful you are in his eyes,

You both get dressed after a cold shower you used Ari's bath products, you ended up smelling like him and you honestly liked it, “Ari I feel a little bit sore" you said while you showed him one of the bruises that his strong grip on your hips had left

"I know princess, let's rest, so tomorrow I can take you to see more new places near here" you nodded happily and hugged him, you both went to his bed and he slept hugging you, feeling your essence of red fruits on his sheets, you don't complete each other, you COMPLEMENT each other, and that's all Ari is looking for and all you didn't know you needed.

After all, you don't think you'll need to go back, with Ari you have everything you need, and for work... well eventually some small businesses in the mall ended up making you the secretary of the auto shop on the coast, and Ari can even rethink If marriage is for him.

[bookofmirth]

I was reading your conversation with an Anon about Elain’s choice and I agree with everything you both said, but I just wanted to add some more details! You were saying that no one knows Elain or cares much about her choices, which is 100 true, but I would also say that no one, especially not Beron would stand up for Lucien or make a fuss in his name over the mating bond. It feels so disingenuous to keep accusing Lucien of taking her choice away when he also had zero choice in the matter and he’s possibly the most underdog character in the entire series. He doesn’t have a home, a court, a family, or anyone to support him for that matter. He has two humans in his court which seems hilariously small compared to Elain’s arsenal of support. Maybe Tamlin, but right now he’s a villain and a mess. People also keep pointing out that Rhys is keep her and Azriel apart, but I feel like that was a very logical decision. Her mate is literally in the house and Rhysand must’ve felt something to wake up and catch them in the act. Telling Azriel to chill out and leave Elain be with all of the circumstances is quite frankly normal. But I really don’t think anyone would take Lucien’s side if Elain just made a decision. You know that if she rejects Lucien and pursues Azriel, Rhysand would protect his brother and his mate’s sister from whatever Lucien could muster up. And, especially the way the IC thinks of him (weak but with important insight as a courtier), I doubt any of them would be too scared to stand up to him. His connections as of yet are an asset, but I think his mind is what brings more to the table, political knowledge and analytical thinking. And while those are valuable, I doubt Rhys values him even in the same ballpark as he values Azriel. I’m sure Lucien will reach his full potential as heir to Day Court soon but they don’t really know his true powers and abilities, Helion doesn’t know his son, no one could accuse them of knowing/suspecting his true identity, and if the night court wiped out another son of Beron’s, it’d just be adding to the already existing conflict. This is by no means Lucien’s fault, he’s been wronged by so many at every turn, including Feyre btw. I think the choice solely lies in Elain’s hands and the fact that she hasn’t made a choice or didn’t even bother to know how to deal with Lucien is a testament to her character, that’s what she needs to improve from. I’m assuming that her trauma will be her catatonic state: she complains about never being seen, never being taken seriously but she also eases into that role right now and I think she will have a healing journey which emboldens her to take control of her own life, not listen to her mother’s toxic advice about marrying rich and being a wife, but doing things she wants, not waiting for some guy to save her, etc. I’m an Elucien girlie myself, but if at the end of that healing journey she rejects Lucien, that’s also her choice, just more informed. If she rejects him earlier, that’s nothing but her choice as well, but she hasn’t made one. I also don’t see how people jump to the stalking/harassing conclusion when he doesn’t do anything but give her a gift once a year. Sorry about this massive message lol but E/riel people have worn me down 🥲

It feels so disingenuous to keep accusing Lucien of taking her choice away when he also had zero choice in the matter and he’s possibly the most underdog character in the entire series.

The funny thing to me is that it's not actually Lucien who has "taken" Elain's choices - like you said, Lucien didn't choose the mating bond either, and he's been very hands-off for 2+ years. If anyone has "forced" elucien to be together it's Sarah, because sjm is the one who made them mates. And why? Because they're going to be together. idk why people wanna act like a fictional character is being harmed by their creator, but it sure is hilarious to watch in real time.

Like... people were bringing up those tweets from 2015 where Sarah said that Lucien would have someone special, at the same time she was writing the elucien mating bond and retconning Lucien's daddy so that Lucien would be High Lord of Day, so that Lucien's parentage fits into Elain's personality. acomaf came out in 2016. It doesn't get more ~obvious~ than that. Then sjm kept going with that in acowar, with Lucien saying that Elain needs sunlight. Why are people acting surprised that elucien are still mates. It's because Sarah paired them, for a reason.

So...... sure, people can act like poor little Elain has been victimized by the mating bond, even though there is zero evidence of that in the text, but sjm is the one who loves that trope and she's the one who mated elucien. Take it up with her, I guess.

Her mate is literally in the house [...] I think the choice solely lies in Elain’s hands and the fact that she hasn’t made a choice or didn’t even bother to know how to deal with Lucien is a testament to her character, that’s what she needs to improve from.

idgaf what people think about me saying this, but Elain pulling this while Lucien was in the house and she hasn't said shit about the mating bond was rude. Full stop! It was inconsiderate as fuck. I like Elain and I think she was doing this (IE almost kissing Az) to rebel against her perceived restrictions - doesn't make it any less potentially hurtful. And note I said "perceived", because her failure to assert herself is not the same thing as others' refusal to let her do more. Those are two things that have gone hand in hand to get her where she is today. Elain is the one who hasn't done anything about the mating bond. She has the power, the control, she's just not doing anything about it.

Does Elain owe Lucien anything as a person/woman? No. Does she owe him anything as a mate? Yeah, she fucking does! It's called being a grown ass person and recognizing when your actions, intentionally or not, are harming someone else. And Lucien cannot extract himself from this situation. He is literally magically bound to Elain, and so her actions impact him in ways that he has no control over. (This is why the situation with Mor and Az is different, btw, because Az absolutely has control over his own behavior in regards to her.)

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if literally the only reason Elain said her breathy little "yes" is because Lucien was there in the house. That's maybe an issue for a different post, though.

All of this is moot, honestly, because it's clear that sjm mated them to be together, she just hasn't gotten around to telling their story. It's annoying af, but it's a habit she has. She sidelines characters if they aren't the MCs, despite... books like CC and ToG where she never had to do that.

she complains about never being seen, never being taken seriously but she also eases into that role right now

YES it's totally a double-edged sword because I think that Elain did benefit from this, and now she's feeling stifled by it. She created this situation by being passive her entire life, and now she's understandably sick of it. But she can't act like it's not a trap of her own making.

And just generally, on the subject of Elain, why is it that people can like Eris and know he's a trashbag who has done trashbag things, but if we admit that Elain has been less than perfect, we don't "really" like her character? It's the double standards, for me. Sorry my girl is a hot mess but it's true. I can embrace the mess. It smells like roses, after all.