#and the fact that she was the first one to support Feyre and raised her hand at the high lords meeting

[romanticatheartt]

So let me get this straight...

People are mad, that Feyre is a High Lady because Rhysand saw the potential in her and didn't hesitate to make her a High Lady? And the reason you're mad about it, it's because Viviane deserves more to be one because she was ruling Winter Court for 50 years?

BE MAD AT KALLIAS!!! He's an idiot for not making her the High Lady till now!!! Why you have to bring Feyre down for it???

And y'all hate Feyre for having a child because she said she didn't want one once upon a time and said she'd like to have Rhysand all to herself? But Vivian and Kallias mating bond snapped exactly around the same time Feyre's and Rhysand's bond snapped, I don't see people criticise Viviane for having a child with her few months of husband/mate...

[acourtofthought]

sooo i have been seeing elriel is confirmed by hofas leaks and i am genuinely scared by it .because i don't wanna see leaks i didn't search it but what do you think about it are they being delusional again ??

To answer your question without spoilers, yes. I think they're being 100% delusional if they think anything in CC3 confirms E/riel.

If you want mild spoilers, see below.

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The ONLY time Elain is mentioned in the entire book is a scene where Azriel is reminding Nesta of the people she loves and you know who comes second to last in that list? Elain.

Cassian, Gwyn, Emerie, Feyre, Elain and Nyx. That's the order. One would think if Elain was at the front of Az's thoughts, she would have been one of the first names mentioned.

Also, they're convinced that because there's a scene involving Nesta's powers that she can no longer wield the Trove but Nesta, regardless of what powers she has, is still Made. It's because she's made that she can wield the Trove, not because of what she had stolen from the Cauldron.

Yes, Elain can wield the Trove too as she's also made but that has nothing to do with Az. Cassian can't wield the Trove yet he's mated to Nesta so how does that fact prove E/riel endgame? Also, who is to say the Trove even needs to be used again right now? I don't see Elain raising an army of the dead or stopping time yet again, do you? Yrene defeated Valg with light so there's a real chance we'll see something similar play out with Elain.

Maybe SJM is tucking the Trove away for her next series or future crossover books.

Also.... You know who does have a connection to the Trove outside of the sisters?

And who shares Helions blood? Lucien!

So if SJM plans on including the Trove in the upcoming ACOTAR books she's already given us hints for Luciens ability to be involved.

I've said this quite a few times and to me, the CC3 leak further supports it but Elain's absence in both the ending of CC2 and CC3 suggests she is no longer in the NC or soon on her way out and none of that is good news for fans of E/riel.

[illyrian-dreamer]

Changing Shadows Part 21

Azriel x Reader

Summary: When returning from your mission, Rhys and Feyre share some devastating news with the rest of the Inner Circle. 

ACOSF spoilers warning!! This chapter is a retelling of events from ACOSF from Rhys’s sisters’ perspective. Heavy angst, but what is angst without some fluff? 💔☁️

Thank you for the support of the story so far!! It means so much 💕

Image by koike9023

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5* | Part 6* | Part 7* | Part 8 | Part 9* | Part 10 | Part 11* | Part 12* | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15* | Part 16* | Part 17* | Part 18*| Part 19* | Part 20

Warnings: Mentions of death, mentions of suicide, swearing. ACOSF SPOILERS!!

Word count: 1,457

Part 21:

∇

You returned to Velaris at sunrise, heading straight to Rhys and Feyre’s house on the river. You and Azriel would deliver the book together, as a team.

You found your brother and Feyre in the large sitting room, hands intertwined and their faces grave.

“Mission success!” you cheered happily, Az a few steps behind you as he placed the record book on the table, his shadows swirling with energy.

“Thank you,” Rhys replied quietly, not looking up as he stared at the ground. Your brother’s own night shadows were no where to be seen.

“What’s wrong brother?” Azriel asked, the first to notice how still the couple were.

You spun around to them, eyebrows pulling in concern. “Is everything alright?”

Feyre rested a hand atop her belly, the other still intertwined with Rhys as her knuckles whitened. “We’re waiting on the others to arrive. We have something we need to share.”

Your stomach dropped, now seeing her tear stained cheeks. This was not good.

It didn’t take long for the rest of the circle to arrive, none of you greeting the other as you anxiously waited, gathering around your High Lord and Lady. 

You fidgeted, exchanging a quick glance with Mor who returned your look of concern, as if to say she didn’t know anything.

Rhys started. “As you know, the pregnancy poses health risks to Feyre due to the fact our child has wings.” Yes, you had been aware there were complications, but had trusted the healers had a solution proposed. Neither Rhys or Feyre had said otherwise.

“After an extensive search for a cure or healer who could offer any experience, we have come up short,” Rhys said flatly. 

You gulped, tears threatening your eyes. Why hadn’t they told you the situation was so dire? You swallowed and tucked your wings in, determined to not lose hope.

Before you could offer a word of support, your brother continued. “It is at this time…," he took a deep breath, face agonised with what he had to say next. Feyre continued to stare down at her stomach, tears flowing freely. Rhys cleared his throat. “It is at this time that we must share with you, after the war with Hybern, Feyre and I made a death pact.”

There was a piercing ring in your ear. No one moved, no one dared to breath.

“We made a promise to leave this world together,” Feyre said softly, clutching his hand even tighter.

Rhys raised his violet eyes as they welled with tears, circling the group before they finally landed on you. “I did not think it would turn out like this,” he whispered, voice breaking.

——

The ringing in your ears turned to a roar.

“What did you just say?” Your voice was laced with ice as your mind raced to connect the dots. Your eyes, at first wide with disbelief, now hardened on your brother.

“You idiotic, romantic fools,” Amren cursed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“So if Feyre dies giving birth, you’ll also die?” Cassian asked with regret, raising his hand at Rhys.

Rhys looked down, pained by the answer. “Yes.”

Some small gasps, and a quiet moment of realisation.

You stared at Rhys, stared at them both, icy rage now filling your veins.

“How could you,” your voice broke, nose scrunching in hurt as your eyes stung with hot angry tears. Your heart pounded and you started to shake, your fists clenched as your nails dug so hard into your palms they bled.

Feyre cried softly, hands rested atop her belly. Rhys put his arm around her, comforting her before raising his head to you again, his face etched with agony.

“I’m so sorry sister. We–,” he started, but you cut him off.

“How could you –,” you snapped, practically growling as your night magic started to build. “How could you do this to us.” Magic was now gathering at your palms, well out of your control.

Azriel was suddenly behind you, his arm wrapping around your waist with a firm grip, unsure of what you’d do next. Rhys stood up, positioning himself between you and Feyre.

“Y/N, please, please understand–,” Rhys begged. Before he could say another word, you had winnowed from the river house.

——

Launching into the clear morning sky, a scream of despair ripped from your lungs. Dark swirling night erupted from you at an uncontrollable force.

How could he. How could they. Your brother, the only family you had left, your guardian and most powerful High Lord of all of Prythian, had vowed to die alongside his mate.

And with the pregnancy close to the end, and no solution for the birth to guarantee Feyre’s survival, that time was almost certainly close.

The thought made you sick. You could not lose Rhys, could not lose them both in one day. And the babe. Fuck.

You shot higher into the sky, where the air became thin. It choked you, helping to calm the storm rippling from your body.

Up there, in the highest of altitudes, you sobbed an excruciating cry of grief.

——

Azriel was always good at hiding his feelings, but this time it was pure shock that kept him as still as stone, his shadows wild as they swarmed anxiously.

Amren had scolded the Rhys and Feyre, immediately dashing to her apartment to sort through her books for a way to undo the death pact.

Nesta had swallowed her tears, while Cassian and Mor both let theirs flow freely. Mor pressed the couple, trying to understand the extent of the situation. Cassian grasped Rhys’s shoulders, overwhelmed with emotion as he promised to find them a way to survive. Rhys held the arms of his brother, thanking him.

Azriel couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. He didn’t know what to do. He desperately wanted to save them, his High Lord and Lady. But he was furious. How could they agree to something so selfish, when they each meant so much to their family? And how could Rhys do this to Y/N, his sister? How could he hurt her so? Azriel’s anger burned for her.

Suddenly, he felt an urgent tug in his gut, a familiar feeling he had felt that night so long ago. Find her, his shadows whispered.

As he turned to leave, Rhys called to him. “Brother?”

Az threw his answer over his shoulder, not bothering to face his High Lord. “I need to find Y/N.” His tone was cold.

Rhys nodded, not in a position to push. Azriel stalked off.

He knew where to find you. It was the same pull, the same rope that helped guide him to you the night you were attacked.

——

You threw your night magic against the cliff wall of the lookout. This was a private place of yours, a clearing in the cliffs on the Sidra that served as a place of tranquility and respite. It offered you no comfort today.

Your magic burst into dark flames on impact, rage continuing to burn within you.

Your hands shook as you examined the markings your magic left on the rock. You had never having seen your power take this form. You fingered the ash it left behind, and the rock crumpled under your touch.

It was a metaphor you did not want to acknowledge. Everything ends eventually. Everything turns to ash.

Tears poured down your face as you clawed at the rock, your hands burning as your magic began to build again. Ash continued to pull from the rock, your fists now full of it.

You let out a frustrated scream, throwing a punch at the cliff wall only to jump out of the way as a solid part came crushing down.

You huffed a shaky breath, moving to the clearing edge. You looked down, a steep fall onto a bed of sharp rocks that would surely end your life. This is what Rhys and Feyre would do without one another? They would rather die?

Suddenly, you were yanked you back from the edge, strong hands gripping you by your clothing, giving you a firm shake.

“Don’t you dare,” growled Azriel.

You blinked, shocked. How in the hell did he find you?

Your face softened as you realised what thought you were about to do. “I wasn’t–.” You looked in his eyes, their colour dull as they held so much pain. Azriel’s sadness broke your heart.

You placed a soft hand on his chest, his fist still gripped your clothes on your back.

You eyes welled with the same agony.

“We can’t lose them,” you sobbed.

Azriel nodded, tears streaming down his cheeks. He shared the same grief.

He let go of your clothes, placing a scarred hand over yours and the other around your waist, pressing his forehead to you.

You both cried, clinging to each other. Something familiar and comforting tethered between you, the warmth that shone through on one of the darkest days you had ever known.

--------

Part 22 >>>

AN: What do you think of this chapter? When I read ACOSF, I didn’t understand why the IC weren’t more angry with Rhys and Feyre about their pact, so worked it in for our reader. I really hope you’re enjoying the story, comment to join to tag list! 💕

Tags: @slvtherinseeker @judig92 @kennedy-brooke @hyacinthoideshispanica @brekkershadowsinger @its-me-meg @acotar-thirst @5moremin @honeyrydernot @azzydaddy @lucyysthings @highladyofillyria @paasrin @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @littleshopofwhoress @blurredlamplight @hanasakr @bookish-dream @fall-myriad @aistheamazing @jazmin2211​ @xenlynn​ @iangelofmusic​ @hades4life @solossweater​ @whatupmydudes01​

[harmonyindark245]

ONE LAST TIME [Chapter 4]

Summary - Elain and Azriel have known each other since they were 11 and had never been separated. But when their view for their future no longer matches, things break apart between them, causing a rift which had never been fixed. Elain goes on to become a neurosurgeon, while Azriel works for the deadlier part of the community. Ten years later, their lives get entangled as they cross paths, this time stakes much greater than just their hearts.

An: All characters belong to Sarah J. Maas

Warnings: Mature language, violence, alcohol consumption, smoking, drugs

Hope you all enjoy!

Masterlist

Songs:

Grenade -  Bruno Mars Die For You - The Weeknd Happier Than Ever - Billie Eilish

There were very few times in his life when Azriel felt as if he were dreaming. This was one such time. 

He was out on a walk in the woods. With his almost ten year old son. Whom he didn’t even know existed until yesterday.

The snow from last night had melted so Azriel took him to the small pond near the house and they’d been there for the past hour. The entire time, Daemon had been talking about his school and his friends and his favorites.

By now, Azriel learned that his best friend was Jason, he studied in fourth grade at Velaris Elementary and he loved to talk. 

“Do you know, I have a blue bunny just like the one in your room?” Daemon suddenly spoke up, breaking the silence.

It took Azriel a minute to realize he’s talking about the blue bunny he gave to Elain for her 12th birthday. She had left it along with her letter just before she left. Since then, he had never let go of the bunny. But he clearly remembered his being in his room back home. Maybe Feyre or Nesta had brought it along with his clothes, he assumed. Which also reminded him that he needed to go back home to get all of his stuff. 

“You really don’t talk much, do you?” He wondered. Azriel glanced towards him and raised an eyebrow, to which he gave him a toothy smile. “Uncle Lu says that the only way I’m similar to mom is the way I love to speak. Otherwise, I am exactly like you.” Then he frowned. “But my friends never believed me.” 

“Why?” Azriel asked. 

“Because you never came to any career day or a parent - teacher’s meet or anything.” He said glumly. “They teased me saying that you weren’t real.” He threw a stone into the pond. “Mom said to ignore them because they’re bullies.” 

Azriel hated the fact that his son was bullied due to his absence. Daemon then looked up from the lake. “Did you ever get bullied? When you were a kid?” 

Azriel gave him a sad smile. “All the time. But you know who always stood up for me?” He shook his head. “Your mom. No matter what it was, she would always support me.” 

Daemon smiled. “Mom says that she would help anyone she loves.” 

Azriel averted his eyes. Yeah, Elain would do anything for those whom she loves. But he was no longer that person. Azriel got up from where he was sitting and dusted his jeans. “Come on, let's go back. Your mom would be wondering where we are.” He gave Daemon his hand and pulled him up.

“Thank you dad!” He started running ahead but paused, looking back at Azriel. “I’m sorry, I didn’t ask, but is it okay if I call you dad?” 

Azriel felt tears brimming in his eyes, but managed to hold them back. “Yeah. I would love that.”

Daemon smiled. “Okay! And you can call me Dae!” 

He walked back towards the house and Azriel dazedly followed. 

~~~~

Elain quietly finished her breakfast and went to the game room to watch TV. After all, there was not much to do when one was trapped in the middle of nowhere and even better than, when they’ve been kidnapped. She started watching Brooklyn 99 when Nesta came and sat beside her. 

“I feel betrayed.” She stated.

“Oh, I wonder why.” Elain continued watching the show, not paying attention to her sister. 

“You never used to hide anything from me.” Accusation filled Nesta’s voice. Elain took a cushion and placed it on her lap.

“Yeah, well there’s a first time for everything.” She turned to look at Nesta. “Like, I don’t know, kidnapping your sister and keeping her hostage for no reason whatsoever?” Elain shrugged and turned back towards the show. 

“Elain, it’s not like that.” Nesta reasoned. 

Elain whipped her head towards her. “Then what is it like? Please tell me. I’m dying to know.”

“And I’m dying to know why you never told any of us about your son!” She screamed in retaliation. 

Elain didn’t answer and turned back towards the TV with her hands crossed across her chest. 

“Nes, it’s time to - hey! My favorite show!” Cassian walked into the room. 

Nesta ignored the second half and got up. “Cassian let’s go.” 

He pouted at Nesta. “But the show…” 

She dragged him out. “No.”

Feyre walked in from behind them and Elain raised an eyebrow at her. “Let me guess, you were listening?”

She shrugged unapologetically. “How do you expect me not to? Come on, let's drink coffee and gossip like old times.” Elain finally smiled and got up, conveniently forgetting all about her conversation with Nesta. 

Feyre handed Elain a coffee mug and dragged her to the outside porch where Cassian and Nesta were getting ready to get into their car.  

From the side, Daemon came out of the woods, running, wearing a jacket and gloves. Behind him, Azriel followed slowly. He stopped as Daemon ran towards Cassian who hugged Daemon, making him laugh. 

Both Feyre and Elain smiled as they watched them interacting. Elain watched Rhys go towards Azriel and talk about something. With the way his face was, it was probably about something serious, but then again, when did Azriel not have a serious face?

“I wonder how things would’ve been if you would’ve just told us about Daemon.” Feyre said as she looked towards Cassian and Dae. 

“I had my reasons, Feyre.” 

“I realize that,” She looked at Elain with soft, understanding eyes. “And I am not judging you. But he deserved to know.” 

“Both of us deserved a lot of things.” Elain replied sourly. Suddenly Azriel started walking towards them and initially, Elain thought it was to come talk to her. But he passed by her without a word and she ignored him, looking forward. 

Feyre sighed audibly. 

~~~~~

Azriel and Daemon reached the house just as Cassian and Nesta were getting into their car. 

Daemon ran towards them and hugged Cassian. Both of them smiled at each other and Cassian said something which made Daemon laugh. Near the doorway, Azriel saw Elain standing beside Feyre with a coffee mug in her hand. She was smiling as she watched the scene unfold in front of her. 

Cassian lifted Daemon up and shook him, which caused Daemon to shriek in laughter. Azriel could feel a small smile of his own forming. 

Rhys walked up to him and handed him a mug filled with coffee. He stood beside Azriel and looked at Cassian playing with Daemon. “Sorry about whatever happened at breakfast.” Azriel just nodded. “And not telling you about Elain.” Azriel looked at him with a raised eyebrow. He looked back and rolled his eyes. “What? I’m just apologizing.”

“What do I have to do?” Azriel asked, exhaustion evident in his voice. 

“There’s no beating around the bush with you, is there? You need to check on Graysen. Then you need to go and meet up with Vanserra who’ll give you Elain’s stuff. After that, you can go get your stuff.”

Azriel inhaled deeply, the smell of coffee filling him. “I’m going to stay with them.”

“Didn’t expect anything else.”

“When should I leave?” He asked as he finished his coffee.

“Now would be preferable. Nesta and Cassian are leaving. Feyre and I can stay for a while, but not that long.”

Azriel agreed and went inside the cabin, passing Elain and Feyre on the way. Feyre smiled at him while Elain ignored him, looking out towards Daemon and Cassian. 

Azriel sighed and walked inside.

People had often told him that he had a bad habit of thinking the worst about himself. They said it as if it was something he could fix. But it was not his fault that whomever he loved turned up dead or left him. 

Losing his mother, then getting abused by his actual father who ultimately went to jail. Then he moved in with Rhysand’s family who treated him like their own and his mother died. 

And then there was Elain. Luckily she didn’t end up dead, but she very well could. And so could Daemon. 

He wouldn’t allow that, no matter how much it might hurt him. He’s stayed away from her once, he could do it again. 

~~~~ 

After Cassian and Nesta left, Azriel soon followed, leaving only Elain, Daemon, Feyre and Rhysand at the cabin. Elain was busy reading a book while both Feyre and Daemon were seated on the library floor, painting on plain sheets of paper. 

“Mom,” Elain glanced down at Daemon, who was pouting. “How long will we stay here?” 

Elain smiled at him. “I don’t know sweety, ask Auntie Feyre, she’ll probably know.”

He turned towards Feyre who was looking at Elain with narrowed eyes. She shrugged and continued to read her book. “Daemon, have you seen the game room downstairs?” Feyre asked. Daemon shook his head in affirmation and Feyre stood up, wiping her hands on her pants. “Come on, I’ll show you. We have tons of games.” She took Daemon out of the room and stuck her tongue at Elain. Elain replied similarly. 

Elain decided to look around the house to see if she could find something helpful. Groaning and muttering curses under her breath when she couldn’t find anything, she walked downstairs to where the TV was. She plopped down on the couch and turned the news on. 

There was discussion regarding the previous night’s ball and the attack. Then they showed Graysen in his office, clearly worried.

Rhys came into the room and stood behind Elain, his hands resting just behind her head. “Turn up the volume.”

She did as he said and Graysen’s voice came through. “I don’t know why they’re doing this. I had my suspicions against the Knight clan, but I thought they’d keep it professional. Just yesterday I found out that my fiancée had ties with the Knights and now she’s gone as well. The attack was definitely orchestrated by them.” 

Elain frowned. Was he trying to somehow insinuate that she might have a hand with the attack? 

“I honestly cannot see what the hell you saw in him.” Rhys stated as he came around and sat beside her. 

“Well, neither can I.” She muttered. “Can you at least tell me why I’m being held here?”

Rhys sighed and took the remote from her, turning the TV off. “Look, Graysen has been interfering with our work for quite a while now. His father had a negotiation with us, but with him stepping down, we need control over Graysen.”

“Control?” Elain scoffed. “So what, I'm just a part of some good old business rivalry?”

He gives me a grave look. “Elain, the shit he’s trying to get involved in is much bigger than you could imagine. He’s killed three of my men.” 

“Oh, and I guess you took that silently?” When Rhys didn’t answer, Elain shook her head. “Do you really think I haven’t heard of the things you’ve been up to? Not only have you been pretty known in the business section of the news but also the criminal one.”

“Elain you are not understanding. He’s dangerous because he’s going to ruin our city. They’re mainly targeting the kids with this stuff.” 

“Why would he do something that awful?” 

“That’s not all Ellie. He has a huge prostitution ring going on. He hides it with his greater investments and he has the perfect cover with his fucking neurosurgeon fiancée who helps people.”

Elain looked at the dark screen in front of her and took in deep breaths. “Okay, so even if you are correct, how does it involve me?” 

“We kidnap you, torture you and force Graysen to stop.” 

Elain widened her eyes in fear. “You- you’re going to torture me?”

A loud sound of Daemon screaming came from the hallways. Suddenly Daemon showed up at the entrance, his cheeks flushed with a bright smile on his face. “Momma, Auntie Feyre’s a dinosaur and she’s going to eat me!” A roar voice came from behind and he ran away, shrieking. 

Rhys looked towards Elain with a smirk. “Yes, we plan to torture you to death.”

She rolled her eyes and slightly punched him on the shoulder. He gasped. “Oh no! You’ve hurt me! Someone help me, I’m being tortured!” Elain laughed at him and he started laughing as well. 

“I missed that laugh.” He said as they quieted down. “We all did.” He gave her a meaningful look.

“I missed you all too.” She muttered softly. 

~~~~~

Azriel was bored out of his mind. He was checking up on Graysen’s activities who was acting as if nothing was wrong. He went to his meetings, had lunch with his father, flirted with literally every single female to pass by. 

Azriel’s phone pinged with a message from Lucien telling him to meet at his building's parking lot. 

When he reached he found Lucien standing near his car wearing black goggles, playing with a bunch of keys. Azriel slipped on his own and moved towards him. “Where’s the stuff?” 

He held the keys out. “At her house.”

Azriel narrowed my eyes at him. “You were supposed to bring them to me.”

“I think Elain would do a much better job of picking out her stuff than me.” He shrugged nonchalantly. 

Azriel released a sigh and took the keys from him, turning around to leave. “How are they?” Lucien asked.

“Fine.” He started walking away from him.

“And what about you? You okay?” Lucien called out. Azriel stopped and looked back at him with narrowed eyes. 

“Not even 24 hours ago, I found out that I have a nine-year-old son, who looks exactly like me, with the girl whom I have loved ever since I was 12.” His face was emotionless. “How do you think I am?” 

“Did you ask Elain how she found out about him? How she managed to raise him as well as get a medical degree, becoming one the best in her class?” His face didn’t hold any anger. Only sympathy and understanding. “Let’s go have some coffee.” He pointed towards the hotel cafe. Azriel nodded and let him lead the way. Lucien went and ordered two coffees while Azriel went and sat down at a table. 

Azriel didn’t say anything as he came and placed the coffees on their table. He sat opposite to Azriel and looked at him for a minute. Azriel stared back. 

“She didn’t know she was pregnant.” Lucien started off. 

“I know.” 

He shook his head. “It was the first time in years that she wasn’t with you on your birthday. The night before, she got extremely drunk. Near midnight, she started screaming in her room. I thought she was dying. I took her to the hospital and they told me that she’s in labor. I didn’t even believe it until they let me see him.”

“How didn’t she know?” He wondered.

“It happens. Elain wasn’t in a really good place at that time. She had shifted to a new place with new people, none of her sisters were there with her either. And mainly, she had lost you. That was the one thing that set her back majorly. She didn’t go into depression, or become suicidal or anything. If I wouldn’t have known what had happened, I would’ve thought she was perfectly normal. But she was suffering within. Doctors say that all of that could have made her mentally unprepared for a child, which caused her condition.” 

Azriel lowered his head in shame. He caused that. Females have nine months of getting used to having a child and even then, most are not prepared. And for Elain, it would’ve been so sudden, he couldn’t even imagine how it would’ve felt like. 

“But she managed to hold on. The way her eyes teared up when she saw him, held him in her hands, it was one the most magical moments of my life. Since then, Elain has had this habit of taking a photo or video of every moment she considers special, so that she can’t have any other special moments stolen from her.” He smiled at him and Azriel  remembered how Lucien had taken a photo of Daemon and Cassian at the ball. 

“He likes me.” Azriel stated. 

Lucien smirked in return. “He idolizes you. You’re this perfect man in his eyes who can never do anything wrong.” 

At Azriel’s confused face, he clarified, “Well, he knows Graysen isn’t his father. And he’s old enough to know he didn’t hatch out of an egg.”

“Didn’t he ever ask where I was?” Azriel knew he would’ve if it were him. 

“She told him that you couldn’t be with them.”

“And he just accepted it?” 

“He is Elain’s kid as well. He sees the good in everything.” Azriel scoffed.

Lucien looked into his phone and got up. “I need to leave and I assume you have some other work to do as well.” Azriel nodded. “I’ll leave you to it. It was nice talking to you.” He shook his hand and watched him go as Azriel remained sitting on his seat, finishing his coffee. 

~~~~

After driving for 15 more minutes, Azriel finally reached his own house, empty and lonely. It was far away from the main city, the nearest house was at least a mile away. Rhys and Cassian had expected him to buy a small flat where he could drown himself in his sorrows. Just to spite them, he had bought a huge mansion, with a pool and a fountain. And now, all it did was remind him how lonely and empty he was. 

He trudged inside, the lights turning on automatically. First he went to his study and grabbed a few books along with his laptop. Then, he went into his room and took a backpack out. He filled his books and laptop into it. He decided to take a few extra pairs of clothes as well. Azriel turned around surveying the room and looked at the little bunny lying on his pillows. He smiled to himself and picked it up. 

Maybe he could bring it along for Daemon. He did mention having a bunny just like this. 

Which was at the cabin. 

But how was that possible if Azriel’s was here in his house and no one had yet gone to Elain’s house? Unless -

Someone planted it there. 

Fuck. 

He dropped everything and rushed out of the house, heading straight for his car. As soon as he got the car on, he sped in the direction of the cabin where Elain and Daemon were. 

He tried calling Elain but then remembered that he had her phone. He dialed the cabin phone, but no one picked up. He tried both Rhys and Feyre, but theirs directly went to voicemail. 

He cursed and sped past all the other vehicles, ignoring all the honking, with only one goal in mind, to reach Elain and Daemon on time. 

Who could have known about the blue bunny? And more importantly, how did they manage to hide in the cabin without anyone knowing about it. The cabin was one of the places they used as hideouts, which no one knew about. 

What would they want from Elain or Daemon? The blue bunny could be anything, a camera, a voice recorder, a bomb. 

He was only 3 miles away from them. Hopefully Rhys and Feyre hadn’t left. 

Finally, the cabin came to his view. He looked at the driveway and couldn't see Feyre and Rhys' car. 

Damn it, he thought.

~~~~~

Feyre and Rhys left as soon as they finished lunch, promising to return the next day. Azriel had still not returned from wherever he went. 

Elain was surprised when Rhys told her that Azriel would be coming back. She had expected him to hate her and not want to ever see her again, considering she hid his child from him. 

She was sitting with Daemon in Azriel’s room talking about the recent changes they had faced that day. 

“So, did you like your Aunts and Uncles?” She questioned.

Daemon smiled brightly. “They’re so much fun! Especially Uncle Cassian! Did you know he named his daughter Tootsie after the chocolate?” Daemon and Elain giggled. “I told him it was weird and people would make fun of her but he reassured me it was just her nickname.” 

Elain huffed out another laugh. “What about your father? I heard you went out on a walk with him.” 

Daemon’s smile slightly dimmed. “He said he looked just like me when he was little. I don’t think Dad talks that much.” Daemon brightened. “Oh, and he said he would love it if I called him Dad. I thought he would find it weird.” 

Elain sighed. “This whole situation is weird.”

Suddenly, they heard the door slam open and large thumps from someone climbing up the stairs. Azriel barged into the room and beelined towards the bunny kept on the arm chair. 

He picked it up and looked at it for a moment before he started tearing open the bunny. 

“Mommy, what is dad doing?” Daemon asked her softly. She shrugged and turned towards Azriel. 

“Azriel, what are you doing?” He removed all the cotton and uncovered a small device inside which caused her to gasp. “Holy shit.”

“Take Daemon and go to my car, now.” He said fiercely. Elain instantly took Daemon’s hand and dragged him downstairs and out of the house where Azriel’s car was. The door was left open and the ignition was still on. Elain placed Daemon inside and sat on the driver’s seat preparing to take her son and run away. She could escape. But something stopped her.  There was a fucking bomb in the room she and her son were in. She didn’t want to take a chance with any other horror waiting for them.  

Azriel came running towards them and she shifted the gear to drive, ready to drive as soon as he sat in the car. 

“Momma?” She looked down at Daemon and realized that he’s not wearing a jacket. He looked at her, fear evident in his eyes. “Don’t worry Dae, daddy’s coming, okay.”

He bobbed his head and waited patiently. Azriel quickly got into the car. 

“Get out of here quickly.” He instructed and Elain quickly reversed the car, pedaling the accelerator, the car lurching. As they reached the large gates of the house, she heard a loud exploding sound and could see the house up in flames from the rearview mirror. 

“Don’t look back!” Azriel told Daemon, his body turned around completely, holding Daemon’s shoulders. 

“Mommy, what’s happening? I’m scared.” He whispered with his hands covering his ears. 

“I don’t know. Just, don’t worry.” Elain reassured him with tears in her eyes as she glanced towards Azriel who was completely focussed on Daemon. 

~~~~~

Azriel was looking straight ahead, pitching in to tell Elain the directions once in a while. Other than that, he remained quiet. 

“Azriel, what just happened?” Elain asked after a while. 

“Shit happened.” He replied curtly as he urged her to speed up the car, ignoring others on the road. 

“Azriel, that’s not an answer.”

“I’ll tell you when I get this mess sorted out.” He continued looking straight ahead. He saw Elain shaking her head in his peripheral vision. 

Azriel took his phone and scrolled through his contacts, clicking on Cassian’s name. A second later the sound of ringing came through the car speakers. “Hey Az! Everything good with-”

“Get Rhys and come to my office as soon as possible.” He cut the call and looked back towards the road.

“Azriel, what’s going on?” He just continued to ignore Elain and turned back towards Daemon. 

“Hey buddy. How are you holding up?” Daemon looked slightly scared but managed a small smile. “Okay, we’re about to go to my office okay? You’ll get to see where I work.”

He told Elain where to enter and informed her which spot to park in. Then he got out of the car and opened the back door holding a hand out for Daemon. 

“Azriel tell me what’s going on!” Elain whispered beside him. 

He ignored her again. “Azriel Knight! What is happening! This is the second time in a day that I’ve been driven away to some place I don’t even know where! I deserve to know where you’re taking me and my son.”

“There was a fu-” He glanced back at Daemon who looked slightly startled. “There was a bomb in the toy.” He says calmly.

“Yeah, I know! I saw that! Question is, why the hell was it there?” 

He took a sharp turn entering a lobby. “I don’t know.” He couldn’t hide his frustration that he didn’t know about the bomb. 

“Why are we here?” Elain asked in a calmer voice as they entered the elevator.

“I’ve told Rhys and Cassian are going to meet us here.” 

They soon reached a well decorated floor, with a woman waiting behind a desk and a large couch set up. Azriel turned towards Daemon and knelt down. “Daemon, I need you to wait out here okay? Mom and I will be right inside.”

Daemon nodded slowly and Azriel looked towards the woman behind the desk who came towards Daemon with a smile. “Hello! My name is Cerridwen. Why don't you come along with me?”

Azriel then grabbed Elain and dragged her into a massive office space. 

“Rhys and Cassian will be here soon.” He said as he settled in his chair. 

~~~~ 

A few minutes later Rhys and Cassian stormed through the office. 

“You took your sweet time.” Azriel said coolly as he got up from his seat, Elain sitting quietly in the corner. 

Cassian scoffed. “Well, you didn’t exactly give us enough information. We had to prepare.”

“Cassian knock it off.” Rhys interjected and moved towards the couch. Both of them sat down while Azriel continued to stand. 

“So,” Cassian started. “I’m guessing something’s wrong.”

Elain couldn’t stop her snort. “Yes. Thank you for stating the obvious.” 

Both Cassian and Rhys sent amused looks towards her. “Where’s Daemon?” 

“He’s sitting in the waiting room.” Azriel replied in a cold voice and then glanced at Rhys. “You’re getting sloppy.” 

Rhys furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“Azriel. It’s not his fault.” Cassian started. 

“I’m not even talking about that. There was a bomb in the house.” Azriel accused. 

“A what?!” Both Cassian and Rhys exclaimed.

“It was in a blue bunny in Azriel’s room.” Elain informed them.

Rhys looked at Elain, “The same one that you…?” She nodded but Azriel replied, “No, it was different.”

“How did someone place it there?” Rhys wondered aloud. 

Azriel kept a stone cold face. “You tell me.”

Cassian shrugged. “Guess it’s not much of a secret hideout now?”

“Cassian, it was set to explode minutes after I found it. What if I had not reached them on time? And it was in my room for God’s sake!” Azriel claimed. 

Rhys stood up from his seat. “Keep them at your place. It’s well away from the main city and no one can find it, even with the help of directions.” 

Azriel crossed his arms. “And you’re not going to say anything about the bomb?”

“Az, how was I supposed to know that someone would place a bomb?” 

Azriel pointed a finger towards him accusingly. “You were supposed to ensure everything was safe. You fucked up Rhys. Admit it.”

Rhysand raised his hands in surrender. “I get it, I’ll do better next time.”

“There shouldn’t be a next time.” He stated.

“Okay, but don’t do anything that’ll screw things up.”

He scoffed at Rhys. “Interesting. What would’ve you done if it was Feyre, huh?” Then he turned towards Cassian. “Or Nesta and Tootsie?” 

“Az, you’re-”

“You would tear apart the entire world. In fact you did almost that when Feyre was taken.” 

Rhys sighed. “Az, you can do whatever you want. Just not at the moment. I’m just telling you to stand by for-”

“Don’t you fucking dare expect me to stand by when someone tries to hurt my son and the woman I love!” Azriel shouted. 

Instantly, everything went dead quiet. Both of them were looking at Azriel in resignation. 

Elain looked shocked at his words. She couldn’t remember a time she ever saw him shout in anger. But what shocked her more was that he called her the woman he loves. 

Azriel took a deep breath and stormed out of the room, not glancing at any one of them.

~~~~~

Let me know what you think!

I'm going on vacation so the next chapter will be on the 6th of January!

[vidalinav]

Summary: I don’t know what this is. But I guess it’s if Cassian actually didn’t support Nesta having an ultimatum and playing a role in that. Since playing a role in this situation, makes the romance slightly coercive and that doesn’t sit well with me. You know? 

Like if Elain is allowed to not be around Lucien and avoid him (which is her right in context), then I think it’s such a strange decision to have Cassian in immediate contact with Nesta while she’s in a supremely bad place and she can’t make the decision not to see him because her “contract” says that she must train with him and she has to live with him on top of having a mating bond. It’s just not how I feel romance should be made. Feels icky. 

~

Cassian searches for his mother for years. He spends hours upon hours, looking from one town to the next, and the only trace left of her--the only crumb he can find--is a little cabin in the middle of the woods. 

It’s dark and dreary, wet with the smell of mold. The roof is half caving in so the snow sprinkles down into the living room making piles where there should be a fireplace. Cassian finds blankets there, tattered and torn. When he lifts it to his nose, he can’t find a scent that might resemble a mother. No hearty woods or green grass or soap. It’s nothing but dust and damp dreams, the fabric tearing apart just by his fingertips. 

But Cassian’s mom had lived there. In fact, he might of have been born in this place, though he doesn’t know for sure. As far as he gathers from the leftover residence, it had been the only place she was welcome. 

In the woods. Hunted and castaway like a beast in the forest. 

It doesn’t surprise him that it’s the first place Cassian thinks of when he’s called to summon Nesta to the riverfront estate. The cabin might be nothing like this estate or the other one that stands atop Velaris in its bloody red stone, but... it welcomes the outcast and cauldron knows none of them do that. 

The plan is to take her straight to the estate and let Feyre tell her so, let Rhys and Amren stand by with their domineering presence, while Elain packs all her things that might just fit in one suitcase. She’s suppose to give in. 

Nesta’s supposed to be so tired, so down in the dumps, that she doesn’t even think of what she’s leaving behind. She’s not suppose to think of what she loses. They plan for her to gain much more in a house where people like her welcome her in. 

But the priestesses in the House always have a choice and Cassian doesn’t know if this is really a good one. From a general’s stand point, it sounds like a well thought out plan. Coercive and easily negotiable. There’s no doubt who wins in the end. But Cassian has never been a general when he stands at the foot of Nesta Archeron. Maybe not even a sword--some weapon to be used to do her bidding if only she asks. 

Cassian only thinks of her lying on top of him, her eyes filled both acceptance and fear. She'd not been so afraid of dying with him that day.

Maybe that’s why he does it. To look his equal in the eye and settle old debts. 

Cassian’s outvoted and he can’t say it surprises him much. If he’s honest, he’d never even had a say. Nesta’s not his and even if she was, who is he to tell them what to do? He is only a general, after all. 

But what can he do? He certainly can’t do this. It feels wrong, almost indecent, counterintuitive to all Nesta is. It makes him think of his mother and it fills him with shame to know that they might be like the people in the city he’s burned. 

Outcast or obedient. Is that what they must be? 

So instead of dragging her to the house, Cassian gets her tea. The male from before is nowhere to be seen, and Nesta raises a brow from the view of her tattered couch. Get on with it, her expression says. 

“They’re going to give you two options,” he announces. Cassian tries not to wring his hands as her brows furrow in outrage. “You’re going to the House or the human lands because they’re tired of this behavior.” 

Nesta hasn’t even touched her tea. The cup sits on the table, its steam whispering in the air like a struck match. Evidence that there might be a fire beginning to burn in this room.  

She leans back on the couch, her arm folding over the ledge. Too queenly for someone who looks fragile enough to break like glass. Cassian thinks of blankets under his thumb, grasped in his hands, falling apart in shambles. 

Cassian remembers the cabin. He looks at her apartment, at every tattered wall. Yes, he thinks, she lives here right now. She’s settled into this space. She clings to this place with nails and teeth. Nesta refuses to move anywhere else. 

Maybe it’s about money or stubbornness or pride. 

Maybe it’s something else... something familiar. 

“Why are you telling me this?” she inquires, ever the self-righteous queen. “Aren’t you a lapdog to your precious high lord?” 

Truthfully, Cassian doesn’t have an answer. It might be because he owes a debt. It might be because the anniversary of his mother’s death is coming around soon and he has no way to honor her. It might be because up until now, he’s always been obedient. He’s a general so of course he must be. Orders are what his life is built on. 

But peace is what is life mission is. A time with no war. A place where the ugliness of the world and the beauty of each day can live side by side. None of this bloodshed, none of these awful memories littering the ground like dead bodies. 

So Cassian leans forward, tucking in his wings, and he speaks the only truth he knows. “You’re in pain, Nesta.” 

Nesta scoffs, rolling her eyes, but she picks up her tea. She swallows the steaming liquid down and he can see the gulp lodged in her throat. 

“I know how it feels to come back from seeing so much blood, Nesta.” Cassian keeps saying her name. He doesn’t know why, but for some reason it falls off his tongue. Nesta. Nesta. Nesta. Believe me, Nesta. “I can’t sleep at night thinking about it.” Of you, he means. 

Every night he thinks about her. 

“So that means I deserve this?” She spits. “Those are my choices. Heal or be thrown to the wolves?” 

“No, I...” Cassian shakes his head. “I can take you somewhere else.” 

“Where?” Her voice gasps out of her lungs. “I don’t have anywhere to go... I don’t have money. I don’t have anyone.” 

“You have me,” He answers firmly. “And if you don’t want to go to the house, if you don’t want to go to the human lands, I will take you somewhere else.” 

“But I can’t stay here.” 

It isn’t a question and she offers the words with such resignation that Cassian resists running his hands through his hair. It is unfair, really. The position they’ve been put in. That life is not so leisurely walked. There is no pace fast enough to meet people’s expectations, their wants and their wills. It takes him nearly 150 years to stop hearing the moans of dying soldiers of the first war in his dreams. Two, and they’ve all lost their damned minds. 

“I think...” Cassian swallows eerily. “Well, I think we might have run out of time here, Nesta, and now... this is all we have.” 

“We,” Nesta scoffs. “There is no we. There’s only me and I’m not going with you anywhere. I’m not going to live wherever you take me, settling in like some housewife just because you say it’s the only other choice. How do I know this isn’t just another one of their schemes?”

“You don’t,” Cassian says frankly, and Nesta looks him straight in the eye. “But you had two options and now you have three. If you knew where you wanted to go, you would have four. I will make as many choices possible for you, but you just have to work with me, Nesta.” 

But Cassian can already see the stubbornness sink in. If not for the seriousness of the conversation, he might have smiled at her fondly. It’s the first time he’s seen that expression in a while. It fills him with relief. 

Cassian rises from his seat, his gaze settling on the room once more. Once he’s done, calculating all her things, confirming that it can all fit in a suitcase, Cassian offers his hand to the person who wouldn’t leave him when he was broken and dying. 

“I promised you time, so how do you want to spend it?” 

~

Also this isn’t clear in this, but Cassian is not going to live with Nesta if I make a second part. 

@arinbelle

[unhealthyfanobsession]

Can I ask for drunk Nesta flirting with Cassian in front of the ic and him getting all flustered but being secretly pleased about it???

Hell yeah you can! I love this idea! It wasn’t specified so I’m going modern here just because I’m not really sure where this could’ve happened in the canon timeline without a bunch of other factors impeding. Also I’m throwing in a dash of my fav jealous Cassian 😏

It wasn’t that Cassian didn’t want to be there. Well, no, actually that was exactly what it was. Cassian didn’t want to be there. He was exhausted and he hadn’t gotten to the gym that morning and he had a massive deadline that Rhys kept insisting they could push back but Cassian didn’t want to. He just wanted to go home and finish his report and maybe have a glass of whiskey to close off a truly awful week.

But Feyre’s art exhibit opened earlier that week and he hadn’t even gotten to see it yet and so it wasn’t like he could blow off her big party when he already felt like the world’s worst friend.

And he was completely lying to himself and everyone else. He didn’t want to be there because he didn’t want to watch Eris Vanserra’s slimy ass mill about the elegantly decorated, high ceilinged, natural light dripping, beautiful space, with his eyes glued to Nesta’s ass as if it was the art they were meant to be appreciating.

Did Cassian also appreciate every inch of her body like it had been sculpted by Michelangelo? Yeah but that was besides the point. And he had the respect to do it subtly.

“Remind me why he’s invited,” Cassian grumbled into his overpriced merlot. Because apparently only wine was classy enough for these fancy, classy, art events.

“He’s Lucien’s brother.” Azriel also didn’t look impressed by Eris’ uninvited hand on the small of Nesta’s back. Or the way he kept refilling her glass before she asked or was even done. “And he’s richer than Midas and spends a lot of that money on art.”

Cassian rolled his eyes. “We have as much money as he does.”

“Yes but you know Feyre’s rule. No family purchases. She doesn’t want to be a success just because Rhys could buy and sell this entire gallery.” Azriel was stoic as usual. Betraying no opinion on the matter.

It was several hours of carefully constructed comments where Cassian pretended he knew anything about art and pretended his neck wasn’t getting increasingly hot under his collar as Eris kept glued to Nesta’s side.

Cassian had no right to be jealous. He knew that. He and Nesta weren’t anything. Casual flirting. Witty banter. Eternal, pining, unrequited love on his end that she didn’t even seem to notice or care about. So fine. Maybe Eris was her type. It wasn’t his place to interfere.

Except that she really needed a glass of water right now and-

Cassian’s hand darted out on instinct as Nesta walked past him, wobbling a little on her completely impractical shoes.

“Careful sweetheart.”

He braced for the hissed don’t call me that, but When he looked up Nesta was blinking slowly through a hazy wall of the wrong wine.

The wrong wine because Eris had been giving her a Nappa Cab Sauv all night when she preferred old world Syrah. Which was probably why she kept drinking it so quickly, looking for her opportunity to get what she really wanted.

“Cass,” she smiled. It was a little lopsided and definitely off kilter, but even through her wine brain he could see that she was playing at something. Nesta had never called him Cass in his life. “It’s so good to see you!” Her voice went up a full octave and she pressed her entire body against his as she hugged him.

The display turned a few heads in their direction. It was mostly just family at this point, and Eris who couldn’t learn how to take a fucking hint. Technically, he supposed, Eris was family. Nesta’s fucking brother in law. Was that how it worked? Was the brother of the person your sister married also your brother in law? Brother in law once removed?

Not important, moron. Drunk Nesta. Body. Wrapped in a tight sheath dress and clinging to him. Cassian closed his hands around her back and got lost for a minute.

Holding her against him like she was made to fit in his arms. Breathing in her scent like he could capture it in a bottle and spray it on his pillow every night before he went to bed.

Someone cleared their throat. Feminine. High pitched. Mor.

Nesta had already let go and was smirking at him a little. He dropped his hands immediately. “Um, yeah, always a pleasure.”

“Interesting choice of words,” Nesta’s grin was feline. She was definitely up to something. And normally he would make a stupid remark, probably something about how much more pleasurable the evening would be back at his apartment, except that she was drunk and his entire family was staring and Eris was still standing there.

“Can I get you a glass of water?” It seemed like the right thing to say. To offer. Feyre smiled a little, a silent thank you. Azriel was covering a laugh, Mor was watching them both with narrowed eyes like a hawk, and Rhys honestly couldn’t have cared less. Nesta’s eyes narrowed. “Or maybe throw you into a pool,” Cassian joked stupidly.

“You should probably buy me dinner before offering to get me wet.” Someone dropped a glass. Cassian honestly thought it might have been him and he wouldn’t have noticed. Not in that moment. Not with Nesta looking at him through hooded eyes and talking about…

He could do this. His pants were not getting tight. Not at all. Because he wasn’t a damn teenager.

“I- um- do you-”

Nesta burst out laughing. It was a sound he’d never heard from her. She was usually all sultry under her breath snorts or ironic guffaws. Full, deep, angels singing, laughter was not usual for Nesta.

As evidenced by the fact the no one was even pretending not to be watching them anymore.

“I’ve got her.” Eris pushed himself back to Nesta’s side.

“Does he?” Nesta looked straight at Cassian, one eyebrow raised. “Because I’m willing to bet he wouldn’t have made it past glass two if your family wasn’t here.”

Azriel coughed. Amren cackled.

“You… do you want him to have you?” It came out wrong. The words. He meant did she want Eris to take her to get some water. Like he offered. He didn’t mean, he couldn’t, he wouldn’t…

“I want you to have me.” She was drunk. She was so drunk and it shouldn’t have been hot but fuck him it was. It wasn’t some sloppy college night out messed up drunk. It was a woman whose inhibitions had been soaked in wine just enough that every word out of her mouth was low and hot and honest.

“Find somewhere else to be, Vanserra.”

“Hey man what the fuck? We were talking-“

Cassian scoffed, snapping out of whatever flustered mess Nesta had put him in. “Anyone who gave her that much Cab Sauv doesn’t deserve to talk to her. Get lost.”

“I saw you eyeing the bottle,” Nesta laughed a little, swaying on her toes. Cassian moved his hands from a support on her bicep to a full arm around the waist support. Even if she did try to fall he could lift her with one arm easy. “Thought you might say something after…”

After the night they spent in her apartment with a bottle of her favourite Syrah only a week ago. It hadn’t been on purpose. Feyre and Elain and Azriel and Lucien were all supposed to be there. And they all conveniently cancelled only after he’d already showed up.

Which, judging by the barely contained grins on their faces, was even less of a coincidence than he thought. Busybodies.

“I’d offer you a glass of Syrah now, but I think what you need is a coffee.”

“Oh but then I’ll never sleep. And I do think I’m ready for bed.”

Sensing that he’d lost, Eris swore under his breath and stomped off.

“Let me take you home, Nes.” Cassian whispered into her hair.

“Hmm, your place or mine.”

“Yours,” he kissed her temple, pulling her legs out from under her and not even paying his family a backwards glance. “For a nightcap of 2 big glasses of water and a bottle of aspirin that I’m going to leave on your nightstand for the morning.”

“You don’t want to be there in the morning?”

Cassian groaned. “You said it yourself, Sweetheart. Dinner first.”

“You’re never going to let me live this down.” Nesta sighed, head lulling onto his shoulder.

“Actually go for dinner with me next week and I promise to never bring this night up again. And bribe our friends to do the same.”

“Deal,” Nesta said immediately.

An hour later after Cassian had supervised Nesta drinking her water he was about to leave her apartment when she yawned.

“Hey Cass,” she mumbled, half asleep.

“Yes sweetheart?”

“You made a bad bargain. I would’ve gone out with you either way.”

Cassian chuckled, a low rumble. “I’m satisfied with the bargain I made.”

“Cheesy as hell.”

“You love it.”

Nesta laughed, “I am prepared to tolerate it at best.”

“Good enough for me.”

[arinbelle]

Made (Nessian Mafia AU)

Notes: Wow, this was a fast one. Yes Nesta’s parents are alive. I feel like I can add more drama by keeping them alive and really explore the dynamic between Nesta and her mother. Really get into the antagonism, ya know?

Warnings: swearing, some kissing

Enjoy!

Part I: 2 years ago

“I wondered what sort of woman loved a man like that”- Jon Ronson

~*~

It wasn’t often that Nesta let herself think about Cassian.

Not anymore.

Nesta wasn’t that girl anymore. Doe-eyed and innocent. Stupidly naïve was more like it. But not anymore. 

Yet, something about the day had her remembering a certain enigma of a man she’d met one fateful spring day in the middle of the night a year ago. Maybe it was the fact that she was back in his city, although the hotel they were staying in was nowhere near the territory where she knew Cassian’s family stayed in.

Her mother hadn’t said much about what was going on, why this impromptu trip was even needed, especially to the one state in the US that they never traveled to. But that was the thing about being in a mob family and being born a girl. No one actually told Nesta anything. 

“I wish Feyre were here,” Elain muttered into Nesta’s shoulder as they entered through the hotel lobby.

She agreed. Feyre had a way of making some bleak situations, well, not so bleak. Not that she would ever outwardly admit it. Things had been strained between them for a few years now. Not outright hostile anymore, but still...

They weren’t best friends and that wasn’t likely to change for a long time.

Nesta didn’t blame her for the animosity. Nesta blamed herself more days than not on what was wrong with them. With all of them, but mostly herself.

“She’s busy with important stuff. You know that,” Nesta tried to assure Elain. Feyre had her first week of classes in college and had opted to stay. Her excuse?

It’s important, Feyre had told her parents two days ago.

Elain snorted. “She’s staying back for syllabus week.”

Yeah, that was true. Feyre was milking the college excuse but Nesta couldn’t really blame her. How many times had she herself claimed  a too busy schedule to avoid coming home and having to deal with her family. Wasn’t that why her and Feyre couldn’t stand more than two minutes in a room together anymore anyways?

Nesta just held Elain’s hand tighter, no longer wanting to think about Feyre’s pointed absence. Their mother’s heels clicked on the shining marble floor ahead of them, their father already speaking to other similarly dressed men in the center of the lobby.

Nesta let herself zone out, in no mood for whatever was going on. Elain chattered on to her about what her plans were for when they went back home. Elain hadn’t bothered to go to college, content with living her life in her garden and her friends from other associated families. Nesta couldn’t imagine it. She’d raged and screamed at the notion that she not be allowed to attend college when she’d graduated high school. Had gone on a self-appointed hunger strike and raised pure mutinous hell in their household. Her mother hadn’t budged, more concerned with eligible matches that she could set Nesta up with.

Her father had returned home in the middle of a screaming match stand-off in the living room with her mother, having been told nothing of what was brewing at him home for the two weeks he’d been away on “business.”

Her father hadn’t wanted to hear a word of it from her mother, horrified that Nesta wasn’t allowed to go on to study just because she was now legal to marry.

There was lots that Nesta begrudged her father for. Both her parents for actually. But she’d been grateful for his support of her to study. His unwavering resolve to let her apply as far away as possible, which she did, and stay away too, which she also did. She never heard a bad word about it from him.

Her mother was a different story altogether, but, that was the case for her entire life anyways.

Feyre had once softly told her, after being accepted to the school of her dreams, that she had Nesta to thank. That without Nesta’s stubborn insistence on going to college and changing the norms of most families they’d grown up with, Feyre never would have had a chance at doing the same. It may have been the one rare time when they weren’t at each other’s throats.

Nesta vaguely registered that she was being led into a spacious dining hall and Elain was pushing her into a chair besides her.

Lavish table decor, expensive wines, and various pastas and meats filled the table. Nesta didn’t have much appetite for anything except the wine, sipping slowly on the merlot while more of the chairs at the table were filled.

“Mom,” she called out lightly, knowing how much her mother hated when Nesta talked too loudly.

Act like a lady for God’s sake Nesta.

“Mom!,” she tried again, pulling her mother’s attention sharply onto where her and Elain were sitting. If looks could kill, Nesta would have died a thousand deaths by now at her mother’s glare. Thankfully for her, the most damage that could be done was a sharp rebuttal or public verbal lashing. But given just how public it was at the moment, Nesta's mother bid some other mob wife she was talking to goodbye and made her way over to her daughters. 

Taking up the seat besides Nesta, Laura Archeron was the picture of elegance and cold, cruel refinement. It was like she was born for this life, which Nesta found highly amusing given her mother’s true roots.

“What is it?,” she hissed into Nesta’s ear. “Can you not wait for me to sit down before calling out for me like I’m some servant? Mind your manners Nesta, there are people here. I won’t have you making us look like classless people.”

Nesta bit her tongue, not giving into temptation to remind her mother just how classless she could be too.

Ignoring the reprimand instead, Nesta focused on her mother, who was now smiling graciously at another set of women entering the hall. “Why are we here?”

“Business deal,” Nesta’s mother gritted out through a forced smile, barely moving her mouth as she spoke.

“Okay but why are we here?” 

In fact, why were there so many women here? Nesta wasn’t allowed to know much about the famiglia business, but she understood enough to know business deals, whatever they were about, were never done in the presence of women or children.

Nesta’s mother gave up any hope she may have had at playing the charming pretty wife, wiping the smile off her face before properly facing Nesta. Shrewd, calculating eyes met her own. The same eyes on her face. On Feyre’s face. A cruel reminder of what they were both made of and capable of being.

“There’s a meeting happening with a rival family. The wives were invited from both sides to ensure there was no bloodshed today. I don’t know anyting more.”

Well that was probably a lie, because unlike other families, Nesta’s father did actually tell his wife about the current happenings in the mafia. To better protect them all he’d told her once.

But it made sense. Meetings with rivals tended to get heated pretty quickly, and one or two body bags in the end wasn’t rare. But the men tended to keep it together if their wive’s safety was in the balance. Nesta scoffed and her mother spared her a wary glance before rising from her chair.

Nesta found it pathetic sometimes, how the men acted about their wives. How they prized them, or acted like it, when it came to threats of death or torture. The reality was just that they didn’t like their possessions being tampered with.

How many cousins did Nesta have in loveless marriages? How many times had she had to help cover up bruises for them in case their was a party and people started asking too many questions?

“I heard they have a new boss,” Elain muttered into Nesta’s ear.

“What?” That was new. She hadn’t heard anything about it. Although it could be because there were five prominent New York families in the Cosa Nostra. Any one of them could have had a leadership change.

Nesta briefly remembered Cassian telling her about their own leadership, cursing their current boss to hell and back. That had been after he’d kissed her senseless in front of the ocean and then taken her back to the backseat of his car. Where they’d kissed some more. Talked some. Then kissed again.

She’d never met anyone like Cassian. So free with his affection, his humor. Gods knew she hadn’t been raised to be so free with her emotions.

He’d told her of his adoptive brother Rhys and how the plan was for Beron to be replaced by him when he retired, or if he died. Nesta registered that Cassian seemed to be rooting for death over retirement but she hadn’t questioned it further. Instead she had asked why Cassian couldn’t be Capo instead.

Cassian had laughed at the question.

“Not my thing sweetheart. It’s going to take a lot to attempt to convince me to go for the seat. And even then, I don’t want that responsibility.”

“What do you want then?,” she had asked openly. 

What she hadn’t expected was the ravenous look on his face or for him to press his lips to her swollen ones again. 

“Right now, all I want is you,” he’d spoken against her lips, before slipping his tongue in and clashing with her own.

Nesta had been thrilled at the desire in his voice. At the fact that she seemed to have this much control of a man who, by all means, should not be losing it to her. And had reason not alerted her senses she wouldn’t have stopped him either.

He’d been surprised when she had pushed lightly on his chest, pulling them apart, but not forceful. 

“I’m not going to have my first time be in the backseat of a car with a guy who I’m never going to see again,” she’d explained slowly after a few awkward minutes.

To his credit, Cassian hadn’t missed a beat at the fact that she’d told him she was a virgin. Had only joked that if backseats weren’t her thing, he had a king-sized bed back at his apartment that he was more than open to bringing her to.

Nesta would have done it. She knew that deep down, and it had terrified her. She’d just met the man and yet, boundaries hadn’t seemed to exist with them. Had melted away into a nonsensical puddle of glinting hazel eyes that she couldn’t seem to stop falling into.

But Cassian hadn’t forced her into doing anything she didn’t want. When the first rays of dawn began to creep up in the horizon, and she asked to be dropped back off to her hotel, he’d done so without complaint. Had kissed her one last time making her breathless and wanting all over again, right before she opened the door to let herself out.

The last thing he’d said to her was she should visit more often. Nesta had laughed and laughed and laughed. Neither had said anything about how doomed they were. How they were never going to see the other ever again. Not in this lifetime anyways. Nesta had stopped hoping for miracles not too soon after they’d parted, the imprint of his lips on hers the only invisible proof left that they had met once.

“Hey, Nesta. Hello-ooo?,” Elain droned, trying to capture her attention. Nesta turned to her sister, shaking her head of the memories that had no business being resurfaced in her mind anymore.

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

“I-,” Elain started, but cut herself off. Her chocolate brown eyes fixated to behind her, and at the sound of voices murmuring and rising around her Nesta turned to look too.

A new group of men entered. All in black, just like the men from her organization, but different. There was something wholly different about them. The first one she noticed looked like he had been carved from stone.

Beautiful. Exquisite. But cold. Oh so cold looking, from the empty look in his eyes down to the stiff set of his body. Ready to spring at any danger that may present itself. 

“You’re drooling,” she muttered to Elain, for which she got a pinch on her thigh from under the table. Nesta muffled her yelp, glaring back and trying not to laugh at the blush that had overtaken her sister’s cheeks.

Nesta’s mother suddenly appeared beside them, taking a seat next to her daughters and ushering them to stop talking.

“Mom?”

“Nesta for God’s sake not right now. Don’t talk. There’s a new boss coming and-”

“Yeah I know. Elain told me. Who is it? Which family is this?”

Laura shot Elain a glare at what she had revealed to Nesta and pursed her lips in irritation. But she did answer. 

“Genovese. It’s the Genovese family.”

Elain stiffened beside Nesta, stealing the same reaction that she was about to have but clamped down against. So it was Cassian’s organization. She wondered if she was looking at the Rhys that Cassian had mentioned to her but didn’t recognize. Was it the man that Elain had instantaneously developed a crush on? Nesta didn’t think so, since the seat at the head of the table still remained empty.

Nesta spared a glance to her right, at the opposite end of the table where their own boss sat. Nolan Ricci’s face was already set in a frown and Nesta couldn’t help the small thrill of satisfaction that rushed through her at his foul mood.

Whoever this new boss was, he was making Nolan wait. The ultimate sign of disrespect, but since it was Nolan, Nesta would praise him internally. There was no loss of love between her family and the ruling boss’. Not after what his son Grayson had done to Elain. Nesta had to give credit to Elain for not launching herself at him every time they ran into each other in public. Nesta knew she might kill the man if she were ever treated the way Grayson had treated Elain.

“Do you think...,” Elain started to whisper again, only to have it fall on deaf ears. Nesta’s attention was completely focused on the figure approaching the open doorway to her left. The one who was taller than almost all the other men around him, save for a few guards here and there. The closer he got the more Nesta’s stomach turned to butterflies.

It was Cassian. 

Older, larger, if that was even possible, and so much more lethal looking. A dark gun glinted against the chandelier overhead as he unstrapped it from his hips and passed it to an Enforcer on his left. Unbuttoned his suit jacket before sitting down, all at his own leisure, as the rest of the room watched.

Waited.

Nesta didn’t even breathe.

Cassian gave a small, vicious smile to Nolan before letting his eyes scan briefly around the room.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

He had seen her.

No one else could probably tell, but Nesta could. Saw his eyes pass over her body, leaving fire in its wake that no one else seemed to notice. Saw the way he slightly lingered on her before remembering where he was and who he was, continuing on before facing Nolan again.

Capo. Boss. 

“Nolan.” The greeting was cold, oh so cold and beautifully cruel. Nesta didn’t recognize even a hint of the man she couldn’t take her gaze off of. No hint at the soul she’d seen more than a year ago on a cold beach in the middle of the night. Nothing. This was a complete stranger.

A stranger she was completely fixated on and unable to stray from, but a stranger nonetheless.

“Cassian,” Nolan snarled. “You’re late. I won’t-”

“You’ll survive,” Cassian interrupted, leaning forward in his chair. 

Stunned silence. No one interrupted the boss, definitely not in such a public setting. But, Nesta supposed, Cassian was a leader in his own right. And this was his territory too. 

Also that was really fucking hot.

Elain shot her a knowing glance with a small smile and Nesta glared until she stopped. 

He continued on as if nothing had occurred. “We came here for peace, yes? Let there be peace then. I look forward to conducting business with you in the future. You and your family,”

Heads turned to Nolan for a response. A minute ticked by. Then two. Then three. But Cassian didn’t lose the glimmer of a smile on his face. A smile that seemed to promise dangerous retribution if Nolan didn’t comply.

“Yes,” Nolan finally settled on. Grudgingly. “Let there be peace. And let there be food.” A snap of his fingers had servers scattering to serve everyone.

~*~

The meal went without incident, which she found to be a generous gift in and of itself. Nesta tried her best to keep her attention on the food in front of her- delicious food that her Gwyn would die to try and photograph for her food Instagram account. But Gwyn and Emerie hadn’t been able to come to this visit either. Nor were their families heavily involved in the business as Nesta’s was.

Try as she might though, every few minutes her traitorous eyes wandered up from her plate and glanced at Cassian. Cassian who was speaking to people from his own side and hers, with equal delight and politeness. A true leader, unlike Nolan who couldn’t seem to keep the sulk off of his face.

But Cassian wasn’t ever looking at her. Even Elain threw her a sympathetic look when she looked away from Cassian for what had to be the fifteenth time over the span of three minutes, with no results.

“Shut up,” she muttered to her sister.

“I didn’t say a thing.”

Yes, she hadn’t. Elain knew what Nesta had done that night she’d left in Cassian’s car from the club. Emerie and Gwyn too, but no one else. Perhaps Elain was the only one who hadn’t actually believed Nesta when she’d said it was a brief hook-up that meant nothing to her. That Nesta hadn’t stopped thinking about how Cassian had kissed her and left her dizzy for weeks after the fact. That it had taken such a long time for her to stop remembering him at least once in a day, and even then, to not feel desperately empty when she did.

But Elain didn’t say a word about it and Nesta was grateful for that.

When dinner was done, Nesta trudged silently behind her parents as they made their way up to the rooms. She was still too occupied with thoughts of a certain rival mafia leader and curiosity on whether this so called peace would last very long.

“Oof. Watch it!,” Elain hissed as their bodies collided into each other, and then their parents in front of them.

Why had they stopped?

Oh.

Cassian and his enforcers stood at the top of the steps, just off to the side, overlooking the lobby below. Her father was the first to move, extending his hand to shake Cassian’s, speaking in a low voice to congratulate him on his new title.

Cassian was perfectly polite as he thanked her father. Greeted her mother and kissed her on both cheeks. 

“These must be your daughters,” Cassian declared after they’d exchanged a few more inane pleasantries. All attention turned to Nesta and Elain.

Nesta, unlike Elain, could control what she gave away on her face, and it was easier for to keep the cool, unimpressed look going. Elain on the other hand almost instantly began reddening under the scrutiny. Or perhaps it had something to do with the man from earlier that was standing next to Cassian, who Elain hadn’t been able to look away from.

“They are!,” her father smoothly stepped in. “Elain here is my middle child, my youngest, Feyre is in college, and this is Nesta. My oldest daughter.”

Elain stretched out her hand to shake Cassian’s, practically an unheard of thing from a boss to a woman of a rival familia. But Cassian shook it good-naturedly, flashed her a pretty smile that could send even the coldest bitch in the world blushing, herself not included, and then turned on her.

“Nesta actually just finished graduating from university this year,” her father proudly announced. “From Stanford.”

“That’s impressive,” Cassian observed. “What was your major?”

“Psychology,” she told him. “And English,” she added on. “I double majored.”

And I have no idea why I told you that.

Cassian’s eyes lingered a bit too long on her face. “Very impressive,” he murmured, as if there weren’t others around them. He seemed to think the same thing she did then, dropping his gaze, clearing his throat, and meeting her father’s confused expression.

“It’s getting late, I’m sure you’ll all want to be going to bed soon. I’ll leave you to it. Buona notte.”

The rest of her family quietly repeated the goodbye back, but Nesta didn’t. She wasn’t sure her voice would work anymore in Cassian’s presence.

She dropped off Elain and her parents to their own set of rooms, walking towards her own a few doors down.

~*~

Except something stopped her. Some strange sense of being watched. She swiped her key card at the door's sensor but didn't move to open it.

Somewhere in her mind, something told her to stop. That this was a bad idea. That there was no good end to whatever she thought she could pull off.

Yet, reason hadn't helped her a year ago when she'd met him, and it had no business showing up now.

It wasn't hard for Nesta to get his room number from the new, young receptionist at the front desk. Too overwhelmed with the work she was handling along with the multiple ringing phone lines, it had been easy as lying that she'd arrived earlier than her husband and that he had booked the room not her, and that was why she didn't know her room number or have a key. What was a poor girl to do?

Really, it was just too easy.

But it wasn't easy to bring herself to knock on his door when she was standing right in front of it. By the Gods what was she thinking? She wasn't even in proper clothes. She realized as she looked down at the flimsy robe overlaying a thin nightdress that her mother would die from if she knew Nesta owned and wore it.

Knock. Just knock. You'll never know if you don't.

Nesta raised her hand to the door, and twisted her wrist slightly to strike forward-

The door swung open abruptly, and there he was.

Cassian smiled at her. No. The asshole smirked.

"You're late."

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[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twenty-Three

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: so yeah this isn’t my best work bc i havent been feeling great lately but i hope you guys can stay patient with me until i get my shit together. we’re almost to the end🤞

***

Sitting crammed between Elain and Feyre on the gray couch in Lana’s office, Nesta has to cross her legs prettily and pretend she doesn’t want to peel out of her skin right there. She doesn’t know what she was thinking when she invited her sisters to one of her therapy sessions, but she’s assuming it would be considered rude to kick them out now.

“Who wants to speak first?” Lana’s bob swings as she looks at each of them. The office is ice cold today, and Feyre and Elain’s presence doesn’t help the chill in the air.

Nesta crosses her arms before she can be asked to speak. “No, thank you,” she says. She knows everyone probably expects better from her, but no way in hell is she going to be the first to open up in front of this crowd. “Feyre,” she turns to her youngest sister instead, “why don’t you say something?”

“Actually, why don’t you set the example, Nesta?” Lana gives her a look, making her cheeks redden with irritation.

“Fine,” Nesta grumbles. She clears her throat. “As you can see, I have made moves to reconnect with my sisters. I invited them here because I hoped that therapy would bring us closer and also make them more… tolerable.”

Elain coughs, “Bitch.”

Nesta smiles tightly. “Elain could especially use this, I think.”

Lana is already frowning. She never frowns this early into a session. “We’ll start with an easy question, then. What’s been on your mind lately, Nesta?”

Nesta purses her lips, pretending to think. “Nothing important. I’m looking at jobs for the summer. I think Azriel keeps sneaking money into my purse, and it’s starting to become more than a little condescending. I caught up with some friends from school, and I was polite enough to pay for lunch.” She mentions off to the side to Elain, “Lucien was there, too.”

“Why would I care?” Elain sneers. She spies Lana’s disapproving look and lowers her head demurely. “Sorry,” she murmurs.

“That’s alright,” Lana says. “Why don’t you go next?”

“Me?” Elain’s head snaps up, and Nesta holds in her snicker.

“Start by describing your relationship with Nesta. I heard you two used to be very close.” Lana uncaps her pen, preparing to write.

Elain flushes lightly and folds her hands. “That was when we were children. The only thing keeping us together was that we shared a home. When we stopped living in the same place, some of us had no problem leaving others in the dust.”

“You can use my name,” Nesta rolls her eyes, “I’m right here.”

From the corner of her vision, Feyre cringes.

“Are you saying you feel abandoned by Nesta?” Lana continues probing.

Elain’s answering silence tells more than enough. Therapy must actually be paying off, though, because Nesta only thinks about interrupting and defending herself for a second before shaking it off. Her mind focuses on the word abandonment instead.

Lana is focusing on the same thing, because she leans closer and says, “Being abandoned bothers you?”

“I never said that,” Elain says indignantly.

“It would bother most people.”

Nesta watches Elain sigh and blink her big doe eyes at Lana. She’s always been able to use those eyes on anybody for anything. “I just don’t understand why I’m the villain for expecting a little loyalty,” Elain says sweetly. “Especially when you take a look at this face.” She cups her round cheeks. “You know psychology. How could you abandon this face?”

Nesta’s jaw hangs open. “Are we still talking about me?” She remembers Cassian telling her the story behind Azriel ghosting Elain, and a pang of guilt and pity hits her. She still hasn’t talked with Elain about why Azriel left Velaris, and she knows she won’t be able to decide whether to spare Az or not until she does.

“So that’s my turn,” Elain finishes up. “Feyre can go next.”

Lana is writing something sharply on her notepad, but she nods coolly. “Feyre, how would you describe your relationship with your sisters?”

“Oh, we don’t have time for all of that,” Feyre laughs awkwardly and waves a hand.

Nesta agrees, but the look Lana gives Feyre tells her that yes, they do have time.

Gulping, Feyre glances around. “Well, I was born last, so I guess that made me the outsider of the family. I never had much in common with my sisters, but now that we’re older I… hoped that we would grow past that.”

Translation: she hoped that once she found her happy ending in Rhysand’s arms, poor little Nesta and Elain would happily assimilate into her new community of wealthy friends, putting the cherry on top of her perfect life. And while Elain did that exact thing, it’s always bothered Feyre that Nesta won’t do the same.

Feyre continues, “I admit I’m not the best at understanding Nesta. Elain and I get along fine now, but Nesta…” Feyre meets her eyes. “It’s like nothing we do is enough for her, but for some reason I can’t stop trying.”

“Whose fault is that?” Nesta mutters.

“You want her approval,” Lana hums, taking notes.

“Is that what it is?” Feyre looks away.

Nesta refrains from saying yes, that’s exactly what it is, and it’s not my problem if you keep looking for something I can’t give.

“What are your feelings about that, Nesta?” Lana turns her focus to her. “Remember that this is a safe space.”

It really isn’t, not with two siblings holding long term grudges against Nesta. But once and for all, she’s going to set the record straight. “I spent most of my life being a bad sister.” Nesta’s voice is apathetic, straightforward. “I let Feyre take the burden of providing for us even though I was the oldest, and I didn’t know how to be anything other than cruel to my family. So once I had the means to do so, I cut everyone off for all of our sakes. I still don’t regret it, because being a stranger is better than being a bad sister.”

In that way, Nesta is a bit like her mother. Nesta was angry after her death, but she knows she would have been even angrier if Magdalene Archeron had lived and continued to be a disappointing parent. In that way, both of them are wise for leaving their families when they did.

“Or you could just be a good sister,” Elain interrupts with a drawl.

Nesta smirks bitterly at her. “I’d rather die.”

Feyre takes in a breath. “Why? Why are you like that with us?” She blinks furiously, and Nesta can see the simmer of her emotions. “It was okay when we thought you hated everybody, but you don’t. You only hate me and Elain.”

Nesta looks to Lana for help, but her therapist is sitting this one out. She sighs through her nose. “I don’t hate you,” she says, even though they might never understand. The next line comes with great difficulty. “I’ve loved you since before I even knew what love was. But I don’t like you very much, Feyre, and you don’t like me, either. Please stop trying to change that.”

When she finally meets Feyre’s eyes, though, they’re glimmering with tears. “How can I stop trying to change that?” Feyre whispers. “How can I give up on us like that?”

For Nesta to give Feyre and Elain the relationship they want from her would require nothing but lies on her part. And as much as she wishes she was capable of lying about this, she can’t do it.

Looking away and down at her hands, Nesta mutters, “It’s not fun for me either, but it’s how I am. I can’t be easy or friendly with you. I hate watching you try to make me be easy or friendly.”

Nobody says anything to that, but when Nesta looks up again Lana gives her a remote nod that Feyre and Elain don’t catch. Thank you for your vulnerability, it says.

“You said something interesting, Nesta,” Lana breaks the silence. “Did you see your sisters as your responsibility to raise?”

Nesta shrugs. “I was the oldest,” she repeats.

“Your father was the oldest.”

“He wouldn’t do shit even if you held a gun to his head, so I was up next.” Though Nesta hadn’t done shit either. Neither had Elain, but the rules have always been different for her. Elain redeems herself to others by handing out sunny smiles and pretending to have the intelligence of a fawn.

Lana stares at Nesta until Nesta’s skin starts to heat. “What?” she says defensively.

Ignoring the other two women in the room, Lana leans forward. “You told me once early into our relationship that part of the reason you left Tennessee was to get away from your sisters. You said you were heartbroken when they ended up following you here.”

Nesta doesn’t breathe or look to see her sisters’ reactions.

“Now I’m going to ask: did you really want to get away from your sisters, or did you want to escape the feeling of failing them?”

Nesta doesn’t know how to answer, because to her they might as well be the same thing. Having Feyre and Elain around is like having a weight tied to her chest. The lingering guilt every time Feyre is in a room, her existence screaming I’m the reason you’re still alive. Elain’s constant expectations of unconditional support and loyalty, whether it’s reciprocated or not. It’s all so heavy. And it all goes back to the fact that the three of them were once just helpless children.

If she couldn’t take care of her sisters, how is she supposed to take care of any child, ever?

Nesta releases a weary sigh. “You’re going to bring this up the next time we have the baby talk, aren’t you?”

Lana’s eyes sparkle. “Don’t get ahead of yourself just yet.” But Nesta can see from where she sits that her therapist’s notepad is covered in bullet points.

***

“I need to use the bathroom.” Feyre is hopping back and forth on her feet once the session is over. “You guys head down to the parking lot without me.” She exits in a rush, leaving the two sisters alone. Nesta hisses in frustration, nearly chasing after Feyre so she won’t have to face the inevitable awkward conversation with Elain.

By the end of the session, it was Elain that broke and pleaded with Nesta, “Don’t do everything we want, then. Just keep doing better, the way you’ve already been doing. I’ll be happy with just that.”

Nesta was surprised that Elain had even noticed her efforts, but she retorted, “And how do you plan to do better?”

To which Elain twirled her hair and murmured something halfheartedly about, “I might be more open to taking criticism or whatever.”

Though it was the absolute bare minimum, it was still a relief for Nesta to hear Elain admit that she has flaws worth criticizing.

Now, Nesta clutches the straps of her purse and turns for the stairwell leading to the parking lot. Elain follows without comment.

Inside the stairwell, Nesta asks, “Have you spoken to Azriel since he left Velaris?”

Elain looks surprised at the sudden question, and doesn’t remember to be guarded when she answers, “No. Why?”

Nesta shrugs, her heels thumping loudly on the linoleum stairs. “Because I know what happened between you two. I know why he left.”

Elain halts midstep, grabbing Nesta’s arm and turning to face her with wide eyes. “What do you mean, you know? He told you?”

“He told Cassian, and Cassian told me.” Nesta hardly cares that she’s being a poor friend to Azriel by spilling all this to Elain, and continues, “If I had known he was such a coward, I would have kicked him out of our place a long time ago… but I figured I would get your input on it first.”

She’s never seen Elain look so genuinely pleading before. “Get my input on what?” Elain breathes. “What did he say about me? Was it something I did?”

At that torn face that borders on heartbroken, Nesta decides that she’ll do more than kick Azriel out of the cabin. She’ll kick him off the whole mountain.

She shoves Elain’s back to get Elain detached from her and moving down the stairs again, and as they walk, Nesta spills everything she knows. She tells Elain about Rhysand’s talent of shoving his nose into places it doesn’t belong, and how one conversation with him managed to convince Azriel to ditch Elain for good. She tells her about how instead of having a straightforward conversation with Elain, Azriel chose to leave the city and hide out in the mountains like a pussy. She might sound blunt, but Elain needs blunt. She needs to know the unfiltered truth of things.

By the time they reach the floor where their cars are parked, Elain is silent. “Did he really say that?” she finally asks quietly. “He said he wants me to hate him?”

“That’s what I heard.” After a moment, Nesta feels the need to add, “You should hate him, though. He fucked up bad.”

When Elain continues strolling for their cars without replying, concern bites at Nesta. “You are mad at him, right? And mad at Rhysand? You’re not going to forgive them, right?”

“I’m not a total pushover,” Elain snaps. She stares at the cement ground as they walk. “I’m just… more disappointed than anything else. He gave up so easily.” She chuckles without humor. “It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to get away from me.”

Nesta frowns. “I don’t think he would’ve spent so long moping around our house if he wanted to leave you.” Though they can never truly know what Azriel was thinking or feeling until he grows a pair and talks to Elain. Still, she shudders at having to defend him.

“I take it he doesn’t mope anymore?” Elain says.

Nesta doesn’t know how to answer that truthfully. She knows there’s more to Azriel than he lets her and Cassian see, and she knows he’s gotten better at keeping his feelings to himself. So she says, “It looks like he’s doing better, but I really don’t know.” They reach Elain’s car.

“Were you in love with him?” Nesta suddenly asks. Or worse, is she still in love with him?

Elain digs around for her keys in her purse. “You know how I am. Of course I was.”

“Not anymore, though?”

Elain looks up, keys now in hand. “It’s hard to still feel love for someone I haven’t talked to in two months.”

Then it wasn’t real love. Nesta is relieved, even though it doesn’t change the fact that Elain is hurting either way.

Elain jabs her keys at Nesta and says sharply, “Don’t you dare punish him for what he did. That’s for me to decide on.”

Nesta’s brow creases in refusal. “I’ll do what I need to do, and you do you.” She’ll have to be careful with her plotting, though, considering Azriel is Cassian’s brother.

“No.” Elain surprises Nesta with the force in her tone. “He’s your roommate and your friend. Keep treating him like it.”

Elain makes it sound easier than it is, and Nesta wants to argue until she sees Feyre heading down the parking lot toward them. “Fine,” she grumbles halfheartedly.

Elain gives her one final long look, not of threat but something else. “Thank you—for inviting us today.” That’s all she says before getting in the driver’s seat of her little red car. At the same time, Feyre catches up to them.

“Where are you parked?” Feyre pants as she approaches Nesta. She sounds a bit out of breath, like she ran to get here before Nesta could drive off alone.

Nesta points down the lot to where her scrappy old car is waiting for her, and Feyre straightens up with a grim smile. “I’ll walk you.”

Nesta knows that arguing isn’t worth it, so she allows Feyre to trail her the rest of the way to her car. Once they reach the old thing, Nesta gives a curt goodbye and heads straight for the driver’s door. Before she can touch the handle, Feyre attacks her from behind with a hug.

“Get off me, freak!” Nesta tries to jostle her way out of Feyre’s arms. She tries being nice to her sisters one time and this is what she gets—

Feyre only squeezes her tighter. “You don’t have to hug back. Just let me love you my way.”

Nesta squirms for another second before stilling. Swallowing tightly, she stares at the reflection of herself and Feyre in the car door window. One of her hands goes to where Feyre’s hands are clasped around her stomach, and she stands there without moving. She can’t remember the last time she shared affection with a family member like this, but it must have been before their mother died.

The warmth at Nesta’s back doesn’t leave, like Feyre is trying to pour all her understanding into the hug. Silently saying, I’m finally starting to get it.

In a way, Nesta is starting to get it, too. After all, how do sisters with such a complicated history begin to forgive each other?

Not by apologizing, but by doing better in the future.

***

On her way home, Nesta remembers at the last minute to stop by Gwyn’s apartment to pick up one of her sweaters. She doesn’t know when Gwyn started raiding her closet like it was a free mall, but she has a school event next week and doesn’t plan on letting her nicest clothes rot at Gwyn’s forever.

Nesta enters using the key beneath the doormat, knowing Gwyn is at work and won’t mind her stopping by. She scans the living and dining areas for a glimpse of brown cashmere, but only finds scattered books and a disorganized mess. Her fingers twitch with the urge to stop and tidy up the place, but she continues hunting for the sweater. Gwyn promised it would be waiting in plain sight for her.

Realizing the scatter-brained girl probably forgot to put the sweater out for her, Nesta pauses in the hallway leading to Gwyn’s bedroom and bites her lip. She doesn’t know if bedrooms are off limits or not, considering how often Gwyn and Emerie have barged into hers, but she knows she doesn’t want to make a second trip here just for a sweater.

Without giving it further thought, she strides into Gwyn’s room—

And yelps to find Gwyn on the bed.

Except she isn’t alone, and there’s definitely another body under the dark green blanket with her, and whoever it is definitely has their head between her legs.

Nesta spins away at the same time she hears Gwyn’s cry of surprise. She braces one hand against the doorjamb and presses the other to her freezing cold face, not having any words for what she just saw.

“Nesta?” Gwyn calls from behind her. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Um, have you seen my sweater? It’s the expensive one.” She’ll just grab it and leave. Or maybe she’ll just leave—yes, that sounds like a good idea.

“Nesta?” a new, deeper voice repeats.

Gwyn hisses, and Nesta freezes because she recognizes that voice. She wants to be wrong so badly, but she has to whirl back around to confirm for herself.

“Azriel?”

***

a/n: i decided to cut this chapter short and add an extra one to flesh out my silly little gwynriel subplot. so if there’s anything specific or random you wanna see happen in the next chapter tell me bc i might have space for prompts!!

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[fawnandshadows]

After the Ceremony - Chapter 3

I had so much fun writing this chapter, and I could not be more excited to share it! Please let me know what you guys think, and I also wanted to thank everyone for their support because I was so convinced that no one was going to read this, and I am so incredibly flattered at the response I have received. This story is also available on AO3

Summary: Elain and Azriel after Nesta and Cassian's Mating Ceremony.

Words: 2,938

Story Rating: M

Elain was giddy. She couldn’t remember the last time she woke up and was excited about the day ahead of her. Well, before the solstice she used to wake up and be content and hopeful. She would tend to her garden and try to make the world a more beautiful place; gardening was something that she was good at, something that she enjoyed, and it was something that was just hers. There were many times, before Feyre had been taken, that she wished she could have done something more substantial for her family, but they couldn’t afford the seeds to grow any food, and she didn’t even know how to grow food. So, once Elain settled into her fae life enough, she decided to learn a valuable skill - one that almost anyone would approve of.

She learned how to bake, and then she learned how to cook. The twins were surprisingly gracious and they were more than welcoming and patient with her, and before long Elain started to think of Nuala and Cerridwen as friends. The first friends she ever made that were hers, and hers alone. She knew they worked for Feyre, Rhysand, and Azriel, but the twins weren’t friends with them.

It was during this time that Elain started to hope to see Azriel every day when she woke up. Whenever she was with the twins there was always a part of her that wanted Az to show up and ask for a report, he almost never did, but she imagined it just the same. He would come in after a long day, and she would offer him the chocolate chip cookies she baked herself - Elain made those cookies at least once a week after learning they were his favorite- and they would simply enjoy each other’s company. She dreamed that he would open up to her, because the Mother knew he needed someone to talk to, and Elain would give him a lovely, cozy space where he would forget about his spy business for a bit. A space that he could think of as home.

And then there were the daydreams where Elain imagined they did a little bit more than talk. On many occasions, when Elain was alone in the kitchen baking bread and covered in flour, she thought of Azriel storming into the kitchen in a flurry of emotion - sometimes it was anger, but it could have been passion, or even an overwhelming lust - and he would take her into his arms and kiss her as if his life depended on it. They almost always ended up covered in flour, or whatever Elain was cooking, and right when her imagination was starting to get interesting somebody inevitably walked into the kitchen, and it was almost never the person she wanted it to be. Sometimes her family could be such busy bodies.

None of her fantasies lived up to the real thing.

The real Azriel, the one crafted from flesh and blood and bone, was so exquisite that her dirtiest most intense fantasy seemed childish.

Her heart pounded wildly just thinking about it.

A soft knock sounded from the door, disrupting Elain from the memories she was reliving over and over again, and Elain told whoever was knocking to come in. She briefly entertained the idea of feigning sleep, but she had already lazed in bed for almost an hour. A small indulgence she allowed herself - normally she would rise with the sun and immediately throw herself into the garden, or help with breakfast, or do something to show she was useful.

Feyre, to Elains surprise, entered the room and shut the door behind her.

“Good morning.” Elain raised herself up and smiled at her sister.

Feyre had not yet dressed for the day, she still wore her navy silk nightgown and robe, and it warmed Elains heart to see her sister in such finery. She was happy that Feyre found herself a mate that treated her like a queen - she deserved it after everything she did for their family. There were times when Elain felt the crushing urge to hug her sister, and she decided after last night to grant herself those small kindnesses - she had come to learn that it was never a bad thing to show someone you loved them, even if you couldn’t say it.

Elain had opened her arms and said, “Doesn’t it seem like a fine morning for a cuddle?”

Feyre laughed and walked over to her sister before plopping herself into the bed and into Elain’s open arms.

“We haven’t done this in forever,” Feyre said with a sigh - as if she were remembering the last time it happened and how everything had changed since then. “As much as I love Rhys he tends to hog the bed. He kicks off all the covers and then has the audacity to accuse me of stealing them, can you believe that,” Even though Feyre’s voice held a hint of exasperation Elain knew there was a smile on her face, probably one that found its twin on Elains face. “I barely got any sleep last night. Nyx woke up crying and I had to search the entire house for his favorite toy, you know the one - the stuffed bat that Cassian got him. Somehow it ended up downstairs in the ballroom.”

Elain felt tears start to well in her eyes. She was just so happy for Feyre, and her joy was only amplified knowing that Feyre was happy. Feyre was completely, utterly, and divinely happy.

“Is that why you decided to join me this morning? To get some peace and quiet?” Elain asked.

It was Feyre that almost stumbled upon her and Azriel last night. Her cheeks warmed not only at the memory, but at the fact that Feyre almost saw them. Elain was almost certain that Feyre didn’t know about the scene she interrupted, but still she wanted to make sure.

“Yes and no,” Feyre said, and Elain could tell from her voice that she wasn’t going to like what her sister said. Feyre shifted on the bed to face Elain. “Were you downstairs last night. I thought I smelled you, and you know how not great I am at distinguishing scents,” It was true. For all of her power and abilities, a keen sense of smell wasn’t one of them. “But I thought I smelled you downstairs when I was looking for Nyx’s bat. Of course when I actually got into the room you weren’t there, and I know my nose has been sensitive ever since I was pregnant, so I could have just been smelling you from earlier.”

A small smile tugged at Elains lips, and the delightful urge to share with her sister moved through her.

“Can I tell you something?” She asked shyly.

Feyre’s eyebrows raised as she said, “Of course.”

“I need you to be my sister. Not High Lady.”

At Feyre’s nod Elain couldn’t hold back. In excited whispers she told her sister everything that she felt, and most of what transpired last night, Elain kept some of the more private details to herself.

“That explains the torn nightgown.” Feyre commented at one point, and Elain couldn’t contain the giggle that burst out of her. It had never really been like this between her and Feyre, Elain had always drifted more towards Nesta, but she was glad to have this moment with her younger sister.

“Feyre,” Elaid started with a bit of hesitation. “Has Rhysand ever talked to you about me?”

Feyre’s brow furrowed a bit as she thought.

“He adores you, and he thinks of you as his own sister, but I can’t think of anything recently.” The two sat in silence for a moment before Feyre exclaimed, “Oh! He loved the tarts you made the other day, the apple ones, he was rather put out that you saved the last one for Az,” Feyre nudged her with her shoulder. “Although that makes sense now.”

“He hasn’t mentioned anything else?”

“No, why? Should he have?”

Elain debated whether or not she should share this part, that part of Rhys being a meddlesome mother hen, with Feyre. She thought that her sister would be on her side, but Elain didn’t want to be responsible for a rift between her sister and her mate.

She shook her head and said, “No reason. He just stepped on my toes a little harshly last night, but it wasn’t his fault. Cassian was practically falling on him, and when Rhys tried to get out of the way he landed on my foot. I was hoping to tease him about it today, but I’m afraid he might have been a little too tipsy to remember it.”

Before Feyre had the chance to respond, Nyx's cry filled the air.

“I suppose the day has to start at some point,” Feyre said and she rolled out of bed. “Starting it with my sister and son seems like a pretty good way.”

Elain nearly tripped over her cobalt dress as she rushed down stairs. She couldn’t help it. She was just too excited to start the day and to see Azriel again. She wanted to see him in the light of day, not that she minded seeing him in the shadows of the night when it was only them and the Mother, but Elain wanted to see his face blush with unobstructed vision, and she wanted his hazel eyes warm in the light of the sun.

It had been too long since they allowed themselves to be together in the light of day.

When she reached the kitchen Elain wasn’t surprised to see it was only Nuala and Cerridwen in the kitchen. Her friends gave her sly smiles as they took in her goofy grin and red cheeks before saying good morning to her.

“Good morning,” Elain replied, eyeing the cinnamon rolls that just came out of the oven. The rest of her family must have been waiting in the living room before breakfast, and a thought popped into Elain’s head. “Did you guys use the recipe we just came up with?”

“Yes.” They said in unison.

Elain didn’t stop herself from piling three rolls onto a plate and filling up a mug with coffee. She bit her lip to contain her excitement as she made her way to the swinging door, saying a quick goodbye to her friends before leaving the kitchen.

The trek to the living room was short, but the anticipation made butterflies flutter in her stomach. She knew what she was about to do, she was going to offer food to another male while her mate was in the room, but Elain was determined she wasn’t going to hide her feelings anymore. She brought Rhysand and Cassian food all the time whenever she wanted to surprise them. Elain even went out of her way to bring Amren the croissants she liked because Elain remembered how Amren was the only one who thought her strong enough to look for the Dread Trove objects, and Elain wanted to show her appreciation.

When Elain stepped into the living room no one noticed her. No one but Azriel that is, and even though he didn’t show it she was certain he was aware of her presence.

Azriel was on the far side of the room, in front of a big bay window, smiling down at More. Hesitation and fear threatened to break her resolve, but Elain moved before she could talk herself out of it. She suddenly remembered the one burning question she had forgotten to ask.

She had to trust Azriel.

As she approached them Elain was suddenly overwhelmed by Azriels beauty. She spent so long avoiding him that it almost felt indecent to look at him freely and openly in the light of day. The morning sun illuminated his tan skin and set his hazel eyes aflame. She could even make out a hint of blue in his inky hair. Hair that she had just found out was as soft as it looked.

“Good morning,” Elain said as she stopped a few feet away from them. “I brought you something. I know you love to have sweets in the morning, but you’re too disciplined to indulge yourself.”

His face was unreadable, but there was an undeniable warmth in his eyes as he looked at her. Elain was sure he noted that her cobalt dress matched his siphons which caused his eyes to go molten. Elain heard the conversations turn dull, just for a moment, before returning back to normal - and she was certain that a pair of violet eyes were watching their every move.

Elain could also feel vexation radiating off of Lucien as he watched them from his place next to the fireplace. Feyre, Elain noticed on her way in, planted herself firmly between Lucien and the group Elain was with.

Azriel took one step towards her, and Elain inhaled deeply his scent of night chilled mist and cedar. A small thrill skittered down her spine as his scent intertwined her own. Az let out a raspy thank you before taking the plate and the mug. He took a deep sip on coffee, his bright eyes maintaining contact with hers over the lip of the mug, and Elain would have sworn that the entire room disappeared.

Her eyes left his for a moment as they watched his tongue trace over his lips. Elains hands fisted in her dress to stop herself from grabbing his face and kissing the coffee away.

Elain watched as he set the coffee on the windowsill before picking up a cinnamon roll and taking a bite. A small groan emitted from the back of Azriels throat.

“Good morning.” A chipper voice broke Elain’s connection to Az.

Elain mentally shook herself as she looked at the blond standing with them. She had completely forgotten Mor was here standing with them, and Elain recognized the amusement in Mor’s tone.

“Good morning,” Elain managed a small smile as a furious blush overtook her face. From the knowing grin on Mor’s face Elain knew she had witnessed everything that just happened between her and Az. “You’re a lovely dancer. I saw you last night.” Elain had hoped to distract Mor with conversation.

“I think you might have been more interested in my partner.” Mor winked at her, and her face somehow turned warmer. She was blushing more than she ever had before. Elain noted the satisfied, and proud grin, that formed if Azriel’s beautiful lips. She wanted to kiss that grin off his face.

Mor looked between the two of them, as if she could see something that they couldn’t, and a frown appeared between her eyebrows. She quickly excused herself and left the room.

“Was it something I said?” Elain asked as she watched the blonde leave. “I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”

“Of course not,” Az said quickly. His hand reaching out to touch her, she shivered at the feel of his calloused hands on her skin. He quickly dropped her hand and reached for his mug, took a sip, and then thought for a moment before offering it to her. “You are never an interruption.”

Elain didn’t hesitate before taking a drink of his coffee, she had brought it to him black because he liked it that way, and Elain almost always dumped way too much sugar in her own coffee. It thrilled her to know they were sharing a drink, and that they were doing it in front of everybody. They were done hiding. It moved her, and made her insides turn to gooey, as she realized that this was a giant step for them - that it was Azriel that initiated it. They could write off her bringing him breakfast, but sharing a drink was as intimate as they have been in front of everyone else.

Her eyes widened as she felt a damn break inside of her. Before her eyes, a silvery blue chord appeared and flowed towards Azriel, who just looked at it in complete surprise. It looked like a river flowing from her heart into his and after a moment or two it dissipated.

They looked at each other without saying a word, but somehow they were more aware of each other. She swore if she concentrated hard enough she would be able to feel his heart beating in his chest.

No one else seemed to be aware of what had passed between them. The conversation still raging around them, and Elain knew that if Lucien had seen what happened he wouldn’t have stayed put on the opposite side of the room.

“Do you know-” Elain cut herself off at the shake of Azriels head.

Elain opened her mouth to say something, she didn’t know what, but stopped at the appearance of the twins and the announcement that breakfast was served. She brought her hand to his tentatively, giving him the option of pulling away, and gasped at the jolt that went through her as their skin touched.

What every passed between them felt electric, and Elain noticed the warmth that was pooling between her legs and the need to rip her dress off to feel more of Azriel’s skin on her.

“Ready for breakfast,” A friendly voice asked her and a heavy arm landed on her shoulder. Elain looked up to see Cassian smiling down at her, looking a little too fresh considering how drunk he was last night. “Not everyone got special cinnamon rolls this morning.” Cassian winked over his shoulder as he steered her out of the room.

[ialwaysgobacktoit]

Time to rest your weary head: The End!

FIRST AND FOREMOST; I KNOW it took me a DAMN LONG TIME to update this, but lemme explain: This was my first fanfiction ever written in english, my first Gwynriel long-fic and the first fanfic I ever published and I didn't want to finish it (although I knew it must come to an end)

I am so grateful for all the love, likes, kudos on AO3, comments and reblogs I've been getting since I first started posting it. You have NO IDEA how much it meant to me; I've always found myself a little insecure to post my own fiction work, but this one have payed off and it's all thanks to you guys!!!!

To @katiebellf the one who lovingly suggested WRITE A FANFICTION OUT OF THIS bday headcanon and i sure as hell did!!! To @madie2200 and @starbornsinger for being so supportive and always making sure I'd get feedback, and to @thecrispypotatochip for your constant reblogs with your opinions + to every kind soul out here in this crazy virtual space that made sure to make me feel loved! (i see you all, and i love you)

ANYWAY, that's it guys! <3 This chapter of my life is finally over (ik i'm being HELLA DRAMATIC but put up with me!!!!! i love gwynriel!!!!) and I can't wait for you to see what's to come :) (btw i know i'm technically LATE since here in my brazilian timezone it's 1AM but think on the bright side... I hope y'all have a great dinner/breakfast/lunch surprise :)

Chapter List here and my personal Gwynriel hymn that inspired the title of this fic RIGHT HERE

PART 15: FINAL.

Azriel knew what he had to do.

As he beheld the circle of people in front of him all gathered around the dining table, his family, he felt a sense of calmness and quietude he hadn’t for a long, long time. His eyes quickly landed on Gwyn, who was motioning for him to sit by her side.

It was dinner night at the River House, and he had it all planned out. His shadows bounced around his shoulders as he took the seat next to his mate. As she engaged in a conversation with Emerie and Feyre, Nesta and Cassian leaned on each other, Rhys played with Nyx while Mor and Amren discussed about something he couldn’t bring himself to care about, he felt at ease. Peaceful.

Gwyn held his hand under the table, and he let his shadows hung around her freely. It was almost as they belonged to her, and not him. They had started doing it a lot more often, so the Inner Circle was supposed to be more used to it by now. Still, Azriel ignored Amren’s inquisitive eyebrow and turned his gaze to his mate; those teal eyes were eyeing him, and she squeezed his hand, giving him an almost imperceptible nod; a go-ahead sign.

Just like they had previously talked.

“There’s something you should know” Azriel started, immediately earning the attention of almost everyone at the table, since it wasn’t every day he opened up like that. Only Gwyn kept staring at her lap, a faint blush on her cheeks.

“Is everything ok?” Nesta was the one who asked.

“We’re mates.” She blurted out, startling him – and everyone around, for that matter. He looked at her, amused, and then at the confusion that reigned across the table. In a second, a squealing Nesta and Emerie lunched forward and embraced his mate in a tight and equally loud hug, while Cassian spitted his drink, Mor clapped and Amren muttered a “tell me something new”, quietly smiling and raising her glass at Azriel anyway.

Only Rhys and Feyre stood in silence at their spots at the table, knowing smiles mirrored on their faces quickly noticed by Nesta, still with her arms around Gwyn.

“Why are you two so quiet?” Her eyes missed nothing, raising her chin at her sister and her mate. Rhys merely took a sip from his drink.

“They already knew.” Azriel found himself saying, and Nesta’s stare darted to him, and then to Gwyn, who was still flushed from all the fuss.

“And you knew they knew?” She furrowed her brows; he couldn’t identify if her tone was menacing or curious, but Gwyn wasn’t the one to feel intimidated by it, given the way she chuckled in response.

“It was all me.” Rhys raised his hands. “It was an accident; I didn’t mean to pry.”

“I need to train more on my mental shields, apparently.” It was all the priestess admitted, but kindly smiled at Rhysand and Feyre from across the table. “The High Lo- Rhysand, I mean- kept it safe for me. He found out earlier than Azriel did.”

“You were the one to realize first?” Nesta sat again at her spot besides Cassian, and turned to her friend surprised. Gwyn smiled smugly.

“By a short amount of time” Azriel couldn’t help but grunt out, unconsciously falling into their usual banter.

Her warm eyes landed on him, and she winked, still with that Cauldron-damned smile on, causing shivers all over him.

“Still” She shrugged irreverently and smirked playfully. “I knew it before you. Quite the Spymaster, huh?”

If everyone else at the table stilled slightly at her words, all but Cassian, who bellowed in laughter, Azriel couldn’t notice. Not when his mate’s stare was unfaltering, with that challenging look in her eyes she knew he loved. He immediately found himself joining his brother, again not caring if it was the first in a damn long time his family even heard him laugh like that.

Some time passed between casual conversation and sips of wine. In that time, Azriel was secretly arranging his next words in his mind. Just like Gwyn and he had previously discussed, the news went well; as deep down, he knew it would. His family had understood and cherished them both, and Azriel reveled in the peace it brought him, quietly admiring those people around him.

When his eyes landed at Gwyn, though, deeply immersed in conversation with Rhysand, he took in a deep breath, determined. There was still one more thing he had to do, one more thing she wasn’t yet aware. Something he knew, in his heart, was the right thing to do. Was the best thing he could do.

“Rhys” He called, and Gwyn immediately turned her head to him, eyes shining with pure curiosity. “There’s one more thing.”

He leaned in closer to his brother, resting his arm behind Gwyn’s chair. Rhysand’s expression was equally intrigued, but his voice was calm and collected when he answered: “Shoot, brother.”

“I need a break.”

“Oh?” Rhysand’s eyebrows shot up with surprise.

“Oh?” Gwyn echoed quietly.

Her burning gaze made him tear his eyes from Rhysand and stare back at her; something was glimmering in her teal ocean eyes. He couldn’t discern what it was. The rest of his family was still talking to each other, though the conversation had dimmed a bit.

“I have well trained spies all over the country; I could spend the rest of this week getting them ready to take my place for a little while. I’d be back in two weeks, if you’d let me.” Azriel continued.

Rhysand smiled broadly and promptly retorted: “What about two months?”

Gwyn gasped beside him. Something stirred within Azriel’s chest. Two whole months, with Prythian in the verge of a possible war, didn’t seem wise at all, and he was well aware of the fact.

But Cauldron-damn him, he wanted that. Needed that.

Suddenly, a vision of a shining blue lake under the afternoon sun came into his field of view. In his fingers, loose strands of a long copper hair, like burning fire under the sunlight. The only thing he could hear was the chirps of birds and the soft breathing of the young priestess who rested against his chest. For whatever reason, he could see it.

He felt his brother’s claws against his mental shield, bringing him back from his reverie:

You deserve it, brother. You two deserve this and more.

He had to blink away the tears that he felt coming up, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Then he looked at Gwyn, that smiling, powerful force of nature sitting next to him. He finally understood what that was in her eyes; the same thing Rhysand showed in his.

Pride.

And he knew his answer.

EPILOGUE

A few years later

Azriel woke up to soft humming. He squinted against the morning light, and frowned when he found the other side of the bed empty. His fae senses discerned the familiar voice coming from the bathroom, a voice he always seemed drawn to.

He lazily got up and followed the sweet melody that woke him up and lived in his dreams; leaning against the door frame, he watched as Gwyn slowly brushed her damp hair, the smell of lavender filling up the air:

"Hey, you"

Gwyn turned around, and smiled softly at him. That morning sight still made his heart flutter, even if it's been years now since they shared rooms in the House of Wind.

"Good morning, love" She neared him and placed a quick kiss on his lips. "What are you doing up? Thought you weren't tutoring today."

"I'm not" He hummed, embracing her. "But the bed was getting cold."

His arms felt perfect around her back as she placed her hands behind his neck.

"Ha-ha" She pouted, rolling her eyes at his little drama "My Ilyrian boy is missing me already? It's been less than fifteen minutes"

"What can I do? I love my mate and don't want her to leave me just yet."

She looked thoughtful, a playful smile on her lips: "Well, I suppose I still got time before I hit the library..."

In a second, Azriel was picking her up in his arms and carefully laying her on their bed as she laughed, and he admired just how flushed she got after a hot shower. Gods, he could never get tired of that view. He started peppering her face with kisses, trailing down her neck and smirking against her skin as he heard her sigh and claw her hands on his hair.

"Az..." She murmured after a few seconds.

There's something.

The fact that his shadows had to alert him that made his head shot up and stare into those deep eyes in front of him. She was still smiling, but faintly, and gently stroked his hair as if to soothe him.

He straightened up, leaning on an elbow to face her.

"What?"

"I think we should discuss something."

She seemed nervous, but her tone left nothing to the imagination. Whatever something that was, Gwyneth Berdara was already set on it.

He nodded, brows furrowed.

"You know I love you, and I'm so happy the way things are going. But lately, with you training Ren to one day replace you as Spymaster and me opening up the public library in Velaris, well..."

He swallowed, feeling his heartbeat fasten. But she only smiled further:

"I feel like we should do it now. Accept the bond."

Seconds passed and Azriel didn't know what to say, as he scanned her face for any kind of discomfort or insecurity. There was none. A jest, maybe? Could it be...

"I'm not joking, Shadowsinger. In case you're wondering."

She interrupted his thoughts, and brushed her hands against his hair once more, pulling him closer to her.

"Gwyn, you..." He was speechless, something in his chest glowing brighter and brighter he felt it could burst out of him any minute now.

"I want this, Azriel. And have been wanting it for a long, long time." She breathed in "Do you still..."

"Yes. Yes." He answered in a breathless laugh; the reality of it hitting him. They were doing it. Mates. Forever.

"Mating ceremony and all?" She joined him in laughter now, they both beaming. Azriel felt his cheeks hurt.

"Whatever you say, Gwyn. I'd love whatever you wish. I just want to be with you for the rest of my life." The words came rushing out, but he didn't care. Not when his mate closed the space between them and kissed him intently.

-----------------

Gwyn didn't go to the library that day, after all. They prefer focusing on other more... Urgent matters after their talk.

As they lay in bed together a few hours later, Azriel felt utter peace. He closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of Gwyn's body tightly embraced in him, her hair soft against his chin, her breathing even on his chest.

He suddenly remembered this ancient tune his mother used to sing to him when he was no more than a kid. It was a sweet, tender lullaby about peace and tranquility. The one song he always remembered to sing against the darkness. One that seemed to originate from every cell in his body, intrinsic to who he was.

Lately, that song's been bringing him comfort and solace for one more reason. And he was singing it to her now.

And if Gwyn didn't move, nor shift her position, he knew exactly why. Moments in which he sang were rare, since he much preferred to hear his mate's powerful voice. And that song, that one tune meant so much to him, he knew she could sense it. He could feel her smile against his chest.

His shadows expanded and retracted around them both, cocooning them in darkness and playing around the room; temporarily set free.

He felt himself slowly giving in to a peaceful slumber as he went on:

And you would say

"Time to rest your weary head

Take your wings and go to bed

I know you want to show it all, my darling"

And I'd say

"Set me down and rock me, rock me to sleep"

All he sensed before sleep took over him was one, single kiss against his cheek, and a soft whisper against his ear.

He loved her too.

[bookstantrash]

A/N: Huge shoutout to the lovely @perseusannabeth​ who obsess over Pride & Prejudice as much as me. After very politely threatening asking  me to write more of Nessian as P&P (I’m so glad Sarah made it canon that Nessian’s relationship is Darcy and Lizzie’s) she told me about THE lake scene in the BBC version. I watched all six episodes and fell in love, so I highly suggest you all watch it too.

Also, huge shoutout to @firebirdofscythia​ (I stole your Azriel line lmao) and the rest of the gc for being so supportive!! Enjoy

Pemberley’s Lake

Cassian was so tired it was a wonder he had not fallen from his horse, which made him realise that Azriel may have been partially right in telling him to take a break and go back to his state to rest.

Although he suspected that Azriel kicking him out of his office and practically throwing him in a carriage to Pemberley had more to do with the fact that Azriel had gotten sick of his mopey mood more than anything else.

“I shall never show my face in society again” Cassian had told a bored looking Azriel one afternoon, laying on his office’s floor as if it was the end of the world “I shall work until my eyes grow tired and my beard and hair are so long they reach the ground.”

“Stop with the theatrics brother. It is not becoming of you.” Azriel had answered as he shuffled a deck of cards.

“Theatrics!! Azriel for Cauldron’ sake I have no idea how I can keep on living after that refusal” he sighed from his place on the carpeted floor “There is not another woman alive who could hold my heart. It's lost forever. And now I shall live in regret and shame of not being enough for her.”

Azriel rolled his eyes so hard at his brother’s words it was a wonder they did not stay permanently like that.

“I shall grow old and drown my sorrows in the finest beers and wines, turning fat and bald. And after I have passed, my cursed ghost shall roam our country crying in despair over my terrible life”

That had been enough to make Azriel pack Cassian’s belongings and get his brother the fastest horse available.

“If it were not for the laws of this land” Azriel had mumbled after he had bid his brother farewell, wishing a good trip and forbidding him to appear in his office again until he had fixed that mood of his.

Breathing in the clear and fresh air of his home, Cassian was able to momentarily forget his troubled heart. But one look at the blue sky and he was reminded of the gray-blue eyes belonging to the lady who had made him, General Commander of the British Army, who had enough condecorations to fill his whole coat and who had made enemies tremble in fear when faced against him, wallow in self pity and misery.

Lady Nesta Archeron.

Her name alone was enough to make his chest tighten in longing.

Feyre’s oldest and most notorious sister, if not by her breathtaking beauty and intellect but by her ruthless and dismissive regard to the oposite sex. Whereas Feyre had surprised society by marrying before her older sisters  — and securing herself the best of matches of the season at that with his brother Rhysand, which was nothing but a Duke  — and Elain had enough suitors to fill a ballroom, the oldest Archeron did not seem inclined to marry at all. Oh she did catch the eyes of more than one gentleman  —  Cassian could vaguely reckon that she had had a long courting with Sir Thomas Mandray, although it had ended rather abruptly — but no one had been able to snare her heart.

That had been what had initially peaked his interest. He had briefly seen her at Rhysand’s wedding, attempting some small talk that was easily and diplomatically dismissed by her. He had then relentlessly engaged in conversation with her in any opportunity he could find, being it from the few occasions in which she frequented Feyre’ small reunions over tea or when he coincidentally met her during her daily walks around town to visit Lady Emerie, a modice whose popularity was raising tremendously after Feyre’s bridal trousseau and wedding dress were all designed by her.

It was not until Feyre’s first official gathering as Duchess that Cassian realised the depths of his feelings for the sharp eyed lady.

He had been watching the ballroom from the sidelines, trying to escape the mob of scary mamas who wanted to throw their daughters at him, a glass of champagne in his hand.

Rhysand and Feyre had already danced the opening song, so the floor was now free to hold more partners. Both Cassian and Azriel had danced once with Morrigan — Rhysand’s cousin and a dear friend of theirs — and Elain had enough names on her card that they’d have to wait a fortnight to dance with her. Nesta on the other hand…. she had refused all invitations, although one could not help but wonder why by the way she seemed to glow whenever a new song was played.

“Lady Archeron” Cassian had greeted, bowing deeply and throwing at her his best smile, one that usually had young ladies fainting and old ones blushing.

But not Nesta Archeron. No, she had only deigned to make a polite bow and look ahead.

“I could not help but take notice of how entranced by the music you appear to be, my Lady” he had offered her his hand “Would you do me the honour of allowing one dance?”

That had caught Nesta’s attention, and she turned towards him, her gray-blue eyes finally meeting his hazel ones.

“I do not think why I should. I am perfectly satisfied to watch from the sidelines” she raised a perfect manicured eyebrow, glancing in the corner where the mamas and their daughters were “I am sure many other young ladies would rather have my place”

Cassian knew she was lying. Knew she desperately wanted to dance, but something was holding her back.

“It is said that dancing is the best way to encourage affection. Even if one’s partner is barely tolerable” he had nonchalantly said

“I beg your pardon” Nesta had exclaimed

“The lady has nothing to fear. I will not let you suffer ridicule because of your poor dancing” he had said in a patronizing tone, if only to see that fire in her eyes ignite.

And to see her accepting his offer with a murderous intent.

They had moved to the center of the ballroom, shocked faces all around them, both from the fact that Nesta was joining the dance floor and her partner being him of all gentlemen.

Cassian had never been proved more wrong once the first string from the violin was drawn and Nesta moved. He had been sure she knew how to dance, had only said those words to get a rise from her. But to see Nesta Archeron actually dancing… it was something straight out of a dream.

Cassian knew the waltz. His mother had insisted that all three sons have the same education, even though only Rhysand was set to inherit the duchy.

However, when paired with Nesta Archeron one could not be called nothing but a simple object to display her talents. Even the most notorious dancer would pale in comparison to her.

And Cauldron, she knew that. Nesta knew she was Terpsikhore, greek Muse of music, song and dance.

What a fool he had been, what a complete and utter fool he had made of himself. His only consolation was that some good had come out of his childish behaviour.

Nesta Archeron was dancing, and when she danced she threatened to bring empires to their knees, for her beauty got inhumanly enhanced, her delighted smile sending an arrow straight to his chest.

Cassian realised he had fallen hopelessly in love with Nesta Archeron. If he was to be true with himself, he had been for quite some time, since their first exchange of words when she had all but dismissed him as a pesky bug.

And as the last note was drawn, as the whole ballroom breathlessly took in Nesta, in complete awe of her, Cassian decided he was going to marry her.

Was going to propose to Nesta Archeron right at that moment.

Using the excuse of getting some fresh air after the tiring dance, he walked them to Rhysand’s extensive and well lit garden, quiet enough that they would not be interrupted but not so isolated as to risk her reputation.

They had walked only a few minutes in the garden when Cassian declared his feelings. He all but tripped with his words, hoping Nesta could see past his fool’s act.

She had not.

She had refused his hand in the most brutal way, her words so articulately poisoned that Cassian felt himself a young boy again, desperately trying to achieve perfection so his father would dare to spare him more than a passing glance. Would not regret having adopted him into his household and given him a home.

He had uttered an apology, saying how sorry he was that his feelings had caused her such pain and disgust, reigning his temper enough to walk her back to the ballroom.

Cassian left town the same night, and had stayed in his office and headquarters training the new milicia since then, burying himself with work until Azriel grew tired of his awful mood.

Sighing, Cassian brushed his horse’s neck, eyeing the lake.

Maybe a dive in the cold waters of Pemperley would help clear his mind.

~•~

Pemberley was, in Nesta’s opinion, the most beautiful state she had ever seen. Even more than her newly married sister’s dukedom.

“However this house’s lady is, she sure is happy” Emerie commented as the head maid showed them to the music room.

“As if someone could be unhappy with this much money” Gwyn whispered back, eyeing the grand piano.

Nesta was inclined to agree, even more after having seen the library. She could not help but envy the lady. Her husband must be a very cultured gentleman.

“May I show you the external grounds? I am sure the gentleman will find it quite delightful” the head maid said, looking at Balthazar, the only men among their group of four.

“I am most grateful for your hospitality” he answered, and they promptly moved outdoors.

Their party of four had been travelling through the countryside for almost two weeks. It was as much as a vacation for Emerie and Balthazar — with Emerie’s shop the season’s current sensation and Balthazar being her current business partner  — as a time out from the ton, which Gwyn — the most required opera singer of the season — had announced to be in desperately need of a vacation from.

As for Nesta, she had always wanted to travel, but as a single woman of marriageable age without a male relative to escort her, it would have been a nearly impossible feat to accomplish.

When Balthazar had offered to escort both her and her friends Nesta had wanted to shout in delight.

Secretly, she also wished to avoid a certain gentleman, one whose heart she had mercilessly and regretfully broken.

Nesta shook her head as she walked through the garden, distancing herself from her party to think and remember.

Remember how she had enjoyed dancing with Lord Cassian.

How her body had sung and heated where his skin touched hers.

How she had found herself smiling and agreeing to take a stroll with him, using the excuse of feeling overwhelmed in the crowded ballroom.

How his smile had faded once she tore at him, throwing every hateful word his way to refuse his proposal.

Nesta had not seen Cassian since her sister’s ball, but she did not want to risk an encounter.

That trip could not have been more well timed.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she did not notice her hair getting caught in a low tree branch, ruining her intricate updo.

“No one is around” she muttered to herself as she took off the pins holding it in place “A few minutes with my hair down will not hurt”

So Nesta took each pin off, massaging her scalp as she walked in the direction of the state’s lake, the sun shining over its  clear waters.

And that is when she spotted him.

Cassian.

Cassian was at the lake.

Cassian was shirtless, dripping wet by the lake’ shore.

Nesta knew she should turn around and forget what she was currently seeing.

But she could not take her eyes off of him.

Seeing a shirtless man in person was indeed a far cry from what her imagination conjured when reading romance novels.

Especially the way the water was running down Cassian’s tanned and hard torso, all the way down his pecs and stomach — was that a six pack or were her eyes playing tricks on her? — until it collided with his pants, which were hanging so low on his hips that Nesta could not help but feel a weird sensation low in her stomach.

Her legs stopped obeying her, and she swore her knees got weak when Cassian noticed he had company.

“Lady Archeron?” he exclaimed, as if he could not believe his eyes.

“Sir!” was all she could say, feeling her cheeks warming.

Cauldron what was wrong with her? It was just a body. A very nice, very wet muscled body and—

“What may you be doing here?” Nesta quickly inquired, cutting her errand thoughts.

“I am the owner” he simply answered

“Of the lake?”

She wanted to smack herself. How could have she blurted such a stupid and rude question?

“Yes, of the lake. And of Pemberley” he answered, amusement lacing his words.

“I didn’t know. The head maid said all the family was not home— we should not have presumed—”

“I returned without prior notice”

“Excuse me, are you and your sisters in good health?” Cassian added, and Nesta dared to think that he sounded a bit nervous.

“Yes. Yes they are. Thank you, sir” she managed to answer, her eyes firmly placed upon his face and not anywhere else.

“I am glad to hear that” he licked his lips and Nesta could not help but wonder if they would be cold due to the lake’s water or if Cassian’s unbothered face meant he was not cold at all.

Was she really inquiring of how his lips would feel against hers? Against her skin? If kissing Cassian would feel as dreamily as her novel's kiss appeared to be?

Nesta hated him.

Did she not?

“I had never seen you with your hair down”

Cassian’s words took her out of her reverie, and Nesta suddenly felt self conscious.

“Do excuse me for showing myself in front of you with such an unsightly appearance” she felt mortified. To have Cassian of all people seeing her like that, hair in complete disarray….

Nesta quickly turned around, fumbling with the hair pins in a vain and desperately attempt of redoing her hair.

“It’s beautiful” she heard Cassian saying in a breathless voice, and thanked the Cauldron her back was turned so he would not see how her face warmed considerably, a small smile gracing her lips.

“Let me help you” he quietly added, and she gasped at the proximity of wet, shirtless Cassian, who touched her hair softly.

“How come a gentleman such as you knows how to hairstyle a lady’s hair?” Nesta asked, feeling his warmth on her back, a tingly sensation between her legs when his fingers brushed her neck.

“I frequently helped my younger sister, Georgiana, fix her own hair in the occasions she played a little too far from what would be deemed proper for a young lady” she felt his hot breath against her neck as Cassian laughed “She favours outdoors activities such as horseback riding, although she’s quite accomplished in arts and music.”

“Your sister sounds lovely” Nesta said, turning to face him once she felt he was done fixing her hair.

“She is my brothers’ and mine whole world. There’s nothing we would not do for Georgiana”

Nesta felt her heart warming at his words, at his devotion and love towards his family. She wondered if he would do the same with his wife.

If he would have acted the same way towards her had she accepted his proposal.

Unbeknown to her, Cassian was imagining the same thing.

He was picturing how he could have helped her every morning with her hair if she had agreed to marry him. Instead, he would have to live with this one memory forever.

He was lost in her eyes, their bodies so close they were sharing breaths and Cassian was holding back by a sliver thread of self control to not hold her against him.

If it were not for the appearance of three people — Cassian supposed them to be Nesta’s companions — he very well could have done that.

“Excuse me” Cassian abruptly said, bowing deeply and leaving Nesta alone.

Although soon her friends joined her, Gywn and Emerie bombarding her with questions seeing her ruffled state.

Their party was getting ready to depart when Cassian appeared again, having ran inside to get changed and appropriate.

“Lady Nesta!” he called before she could get inside the carriage “Please allow me to apologise for not receiving you properly just now. You are not leaving?”

“We were, sir. We have already imposed too much” she said, spine straight and looking every bit the regal queen she was.

What he did not know was that was her way of maintaining a cool exterior and not blush remembering his naked figure.

“You are not displeased with Pemberley, are you?” Cassian asked, anxiously brushing his hair back.

“No. Not at all”

“And you approve of it?”

“Very much” Nesta said softly, a dreamy smile on her face as she remembered the library “A few would not approve”

“But your good opinion is rarely bestowed and therefore more worth earning” he said, and his smile was enough to make Nesta’s heart skip a beat.

Why was she feeling in such a way, she wondered. Why did her body feel hot and strange all over whenever Cassian was involved?

“Thank you. That is very kind of you”

“I shall not hold you back any longer” he said, helping her in the carriage, his calloused hand a stark contrast against her soft one “I will call on you and I hope you can introduce me to your companions. Perhaps we may go fishing tomorrow? My property is blessed with an abundance of them”

“We would be delighted to. Thank you, sir’

After the farewells were bid and Nesta’s carriage was only a distant dot in the horizon, Cassian got inside, smiling broadly at his head maid and butler.

“You are very chipper, sir'' the old woman said with a knowing smile, the butler agreeing with her. Their lord had been mopey for quite some time now, so it brought joy to their hearts to see his mood so high.

“I had a very good evening Mrs.Pots” he declared, thinking about how he should swim more frequently in the lake.

A few miles from Pemberley, Nesta stared at the scenery lost in thought, Cassian’s touch lingering in her hand all the way back to the inn.

•

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[aelingalathyniusrailme]

Broken, battered, and beautiful-chapter 2

if you haven’t go check out chapter 1

 “Oh hi.” even in the privacy of her own home elain was clothed in a fine dress made of satin, the color of sunflowers with a high neckline. Gwyn tried to muster up embarrassment for her own plain outfit that most definitely could have been mistaken for sleep wear, but she couldn’t find the energy to care.  

“Hello, um I wanted to come by to say thank you for the other day.” Gwyn felt awkward and uncomfortable, this female had done nothing to wrong her and yet it was difficult to let the protective and territorial instincts go. Azriel was not hers, it was a mantra she replayed in her mind over and over. The words a double edge sword encouraging her to move on with a torturous truth. 

“It’s no worry, I never would have left you on the ground at night” elain smiled warmly, “and besides nesta would have my head if something had happened to you.” gwyn gave her a tight smile, the most she could force herself to manage. 

They stood in an unpleasant silence, the only sound being the soft anxious tapping of gwyns hand on her thigh, a nervous tick she had yet to break. thankfully after a couple dreadfully long seconds elain spoke, “would you like to come in?” 

Gwyn let out a sigh of relief and gave a slight nod of her head. She then followed Elain into her home. As Gwyn's eyes roamed the place she felt as if she had stepped into the spring court, or what it used to look like, she supposed from what Feyre had told her about its current state. 

Elain must have noticed her curious glance at the windows stretching from ceiling to floor with the sun blazing through them, “when I was looking for an apartment I wanted as much sunlight as possible,” she paused to reposition one of her many many plants. “For me” she paused once again, taking in the almost overwhelming amount of blossoms. “And the flowers. In case you haven’t noticed, I have a slight obsession with greenery.” 

“Slight is a modest term.” gwyn noted. She laughed. The sound was sweet and full and covered the room in a joy that could not be masked. Gwyn wished she could say she couldn’t remember the last time she laughed like that, but she had. Darkness coated the once joyous memorie, infecting it with anger and malice. Pain was soon to follow but Gwyn shoved it down, pressing a lid on her emotions, better to feel nothing at all then the heartbreak of what she had lost.

Elain quickly picked up a few scattered papers on her table and pulled out a seat for gwyn. “Would you like some tea? Emerie gave me a few samples but I haven’t had the chance to try them yet.” 

“I would recommend the strawberry green tea, personally I think it’s her best, though most of them are… editable.” 

She raised an eyebrow “most?”

“Well for Emerie's sake I’ll let you form your own opinions but between you and me, I’d keep a safe distance from the lemon ginger.” 

Elain looked amused. “I will keep that in mind.” 

gwyn watched as elain made the tea quietly humming to herself. She set down the cup in front of her, “one strawberry green tea.” Gwyn gave a nod of gratitude before quickly realizing that that was a poor response. God had she lost her manners along with her dignity. 

“Thank you.” 

Once again silence fell over them, the conversation they had both known gwyn had come for hung in the air, hovering, waiting for a moment to strike. But Gwyn had made a promise to Catrin, a promise to her found sisters, and a promise to herself that she would be brave. 

“What happened between you and azriel?” she blurted. Elain took a deep breath before answering, everything about her expression and posture, unsurprised by the question. 

“In order to really understand, I would have to start from the beginning. Are you positive you want to hear the truth?”

No. yes. No.  She did not want to hear, she desperately did not want to hear but she had to know. “Yes.” 

Elain nodded, “It’s been about four years since I became fae and the subject still isn’t my-favorite, but four years ago I was engaged to a man named grayson. Looking back he was truly dreadful and a little bit of a tool. But I was in love, or.” Elain’s cheeks flushed slightly. “what I thought was love. He truly hated the fae and when I became the one thing he hated more than he loved me, his love quickly became fear and his fear fueled his hatred. I was dependent on others, in more ways than one. And with my world being literally and figuratively turned upside down, the one person who was supposed to love and support me through it all, abandoned me without hesitation. Although the argument could be made that I was coddled my entire life and this was a much needed wake up call.” Elain paused, letting out a shaky breath. 

“If this is too difficult for you we can stop.” As much as Gwyn needed to hear this story she would not force Elain to relive her trauma. 

“I owe it to you and to my sister to avoid bad blood between us and if telling you this story is what it takes, then that is the least I can do.” She took a sip of her tea. “Now I knew I had just lost who I thought was the love of my life and then I was forced into the hands of another.” 

Her stepbrother, she thought. “Lucien.” 

“Yes,” elain smiled fondly. “He was my breaking point. All I wanted was to collapse into myself, to pretend that I was still human. But with him I couldn't. He was a walking reminder of everything I hated about myself. The only thing that haunted me more than him was my own reflection. I thought that if I avoided him I could ignore the magnetic pull that drew me to him.” She looked down and bit her lip. “Denial was a personal favorite of mine.” 

Gwyn raised her eyebrows. “I can tell.” she watched as color flooded her cheeks and Gwyn's lips twitched. 

“But it was proving to be a little more difficult than I had expected. And then there was this dark, attractive male who seemed to be intrigued by me. He was kind and he was there so I forced myself to believe I had genuine feelings for him, that I desperately wanted him.” Gwyn's stomach lurched but she forced it down. “He was a perfect distraction, there were these small moments where our fingers would brush or I would find him looking at me as if he desired me. I needed so badly to believe that this was what I wanted and yet I felt nothing. I thought that becoming fae had broken me. I made up my mind that if I kissed him, the feeling I craved would come. So at solstice, when I knew there was no way for him to avoid me, I gave myself an opening and waited until after dinner to give him his gift. He gave me a necklace and kissed my neck. We were moments away from, well you know, when he left very suddenly. I was confused and a little bit hurt and I still felt nothing. So I followed him, and well” elain let out a bitter laugh. “Let's just say Azriel said some rude things.” 

Gwyn’s face was one of constant shock as elain told her the shadowsinger’s conversation with the high lord of the night court. “The only thing he could say about you was Three Brothers, Three Sisters?!?”. 

“Yep.” 

“He thought he was entitled to you because his brothers were mated to your sisters?!? Even though you had a mate??” 

“Exactly” 

“And you guys were so not on the same page, you guys weren’t even in the same gods damn book.” 

She laughed. “I guess that’s what happens when you don’t communicate.” Gwyn's thoughts were a cage of her own making, one she couldn’t escape. She was outraged on behalf of elain, how dare azriel make some sort of claim on her, she was not a toy to be passed around. But she couldn’t help but think first Mor than Elain, what the hell was she to him? Had it all been a game of pretty words and sweet lies? Was she just one of many? 

“Anyway, I decided that the distraction wasn’t worth putting myself through whatever was going on with him so I gave him back the necklace. I assume that he saw you sometime that night or in the next few days because I saw you with the necklace a couple weeks later. I know that I did not have the right to be upset considering I gave it back but, for me, it confirmed that my decision was the right one.” 

Azriel had, in fact, come to her that night Gwyn thought back to solstice 2 years ago. It was the first time she had been alone with him, It was the first time she'd been alone with any male since.

 “Azriel and I barely spoke or interacted since solstice when a couple weeks ago, when I was shopping in town I saw him so drunk he could barely walk. I’d seen him with you a couple times and it seemed like he had changed so I went to go help him and he tried to kiss me. I slapped him and walked away. The next day he came by my apartment and begged me not to tell you. I told him I owe him nothing and closed the door in his face.”. She didn’t owe Gwyn anything either and yet she still defended her. “I then told Nesta what had happened and asked her to tell you.” elain took another sip of tea. “I thought it would have been better if it came from her.” 

Gwyn watched elain, even doing something as mundane as drinking her tea, in this house, she looked more peaceful and in her element as she had ever seen her. Gwyn was also positive this was the most she had ever heard her talk and despite a part of her still wanting to rip her head off, she was grateful for the female and she was sympathetic for what she had gone through, and she was embarrassed for not seeing this side of azriel. 

“I’m sorry.” 

A puzzled look graced elain’s face. “What for?”

“For what you went through, for whatever part I played in your pain.” she chuckled at that. 

“You did nothing wrong, besides if anyone should be apologizing it should be me.” 

Gwyn snorted. “That’s ridiculous.”

“How about it should be azriel apologizing to the both of us.”

“Deal”

elain looked out the window. “Oh speaking of solstice, I have to do my gift shopping.” she glanced at Gwyn, something in her gaze she couldn’t detect, maybe pity, maybe spite from an old grudge, maybe it was genuine, maybe a mix. Whatever it was made her ask, “would you like to come with me?”

And even if it was pity or spite, even if all elain saw was a broken toy in need of saving, she said “yes.”

tagging: @stars-and-scripts  @valkygwyn @em---r @whereisvaughan @purplecherrypie @lattristantketchup @bookish-isha @meher-sumedha @jennysofoldstone @ratabrasileira 

[cuquitalocita]

kids and car rides- feysand

AN: hi yes hello there- again, it’s been a hot minute since i’ve written anything so here’s something i’ve been pushing myself through for these past couple of days. this is my first time writing feysand so i’m sorry if this sucks- i have to wake up for school in... five hours... so... yeah. if there’s any typos or the plot is kinda... ?? just... cut me some slack :) anyway, hope you enjoy!

part two

~~

Feyre was going to murder her boyfriend.

No- mutilate was more like it. How and where were truly her only thoughts as she glanced around her at the full bleachers of screaming students covered in black and blue face paint. 

Dating Tamlin Hybern had been nice at first- surreal if anything. When the star lacrosse player had taken an interest in the quiet girl at the back of the class who spent her free time in an art studio, Feyre had been flattered. He had asked her out in between classes a few months ago and Feyre had managed to stutter out a blushing, yes, still reeling that the handsome blonde had even noticed her. 

But her relationship was dull and boring, lacking in color, and gods, Feyre needed to end it. 

Tamlin had dragged her to the football game, practically begging on his knees for her to come with him. Feyre had relented, not even having enough time to shower after her art class before Tamlin was picking her up. But the second they had pulled up to the school and gotten out of his truck, Tamlin had disappeared with Lucien and left her in the bleachers with nothing more than a kiss on the cheek and a promise to find her later. 

It left Feyre seeing red. The crowd raged around her as the Bats scored a touchdown, and Feyre glanced at her phone. Shit. It was seven-thirty, meaning Nesta had already left on her date with Tomas, leaving Feyre without a ride home. Elain was out with her friends, actually enjoying her Friday night as a teenage girl should, and Feyre was left alone and ready to leave. 

She had been at the game for thirty minutes, in which the sun had gone down, blanketing the sky in a twilight full of stars. Feyre would stay if only to watch them a little longer- her favorite thing to paint. But as the crowd raged again, Feyre stood up from her spot on the bleachers and began pushing her way through the crowd and back to the parking lot, ready to walk home. It was only a few miles, really, and she had her sneakers on. She could manage. 

“Feyre!” A kind voice broke through her thoughts before she was halfway through the crowd, and she turned to see the familiar face of Morrigan from French class. 

Feyre’s lips turned up into a smile at the sight of the girl and her racing heart calmed a little as Mor came closer, stopping in front of her. 

“Hey, Mor.”

“What are you doing here? I thought you hated football.” Mor’s question was innocent, lacking the judgemental tone that most people would have added on. 

“I do,” she snorted. “But Tamlin wanted me to come, so here I am.” 

Mor’s smile turned down at the mention of her boyfriend. The girl had never tried to hide her dislike for Feyre’s boyfriend, even if the two of them weren’t very close and although she should have been offended, Feyre relished in her honesty. “Either way, I’m ready to go. See you Monday, Mor.”

“Wait, do you need a ride?” Feyre smiled, shaking her head at her easy kindness. She knew she liked Mor. 

“Thanks, but it’s really fine. I only live a few miles down the road- I’ll be fine to walk. Besides, we’re not even halfway through the game. Stay.” Mor bit her lip, clearly deciding whether or not to pick a fight, but Feyre fixed her with a look that eventually had her sighing. 

“Ugh, fine. But text me when you get home. Who knows what kind of creeps are wandering around here.” Feyre nodded, squeezing Mor’s hands in thanks, and left the bleachers, stopping only when she was back in the student parking lot.  

She pulled out her phone, remembering that she came here with her boyfriend. 

>> Hey wasn’t feeling well. Getting a ride home from Nes. 

It was five minutes before he responded. 

<< sure thing- see you later babe

Feyre scoffed, shoving her phone into her back pocket. Unlike Mor, he had not asked her if she was okay and to text him when she was home safe. She had told him that Nesta had a date too- which he obviously hadn’t been paying attention to. 

Ready to start walking, Feyre patted her pockets, looking for her ID, just in case anything happened, only to find them empty. 

“Godsdamn it,” Feyre muttered under her breath, realizing she must have forgotten her wallet back on the bleachers. Turning back to the field, Feyre almost tripped on her own feet when she heard a little voice behind her say,

“That’s a bad word. And my mommy says you shouldn’t say bad words.”

 Spinning back around, she was surprised to see a little girl- no older than six staring up at her and twisting her little fingers together. Her jet black hair was pulled back into two short ponytails and Feyre swore she was one of the cutest things she had ever seen. Bewildered, Feyre stared for a moment before shaking her head. 

“Uh- yes. You’re right- I… I shouldn’t have said that. And neither should you.” The little girl just continued to look at her in silence, causing Feyre to raise her brows. Who was this girl? And why was she by herself? What kind of parent left a little girl alone at a high school at almost eight o’clock?

“What’s your name? Are you lost?” 

“My mommy says I shouldn’t talk to strangers.” At that, Feyre smiled a little bit. She bent down, putting her weight on her knees so she was eye level with the girl, and mustered up her friendliest smile. 

“That’s very smart of her. Well, how about this?” Feyre stuck her hand out to the girl who eyed it warily but didn’t back away. “My name is Feyre. I go to school here. There, now we aren’t strangers anymore.” 

The girl’s eyes widened and it was then that Feyre noticed their unique color, unlike any she had ever seen before. Her eyes were a beautiful violet, and in the reflection of the moon, she swore she could see stars in her eyes. 

The little girl took her hand, practically dwarfed from the size of Feyre’s, and she gave Feyre a small smile that had her melting just a bit. 

“My name is Thebe,” she finally said, her voice small. 

“Well Thebe, are you lost?” She nodded, looking at the ground. Feyre gently took her small hand, forcing the girl to look at her, and smiled again. She could see small tears beginning to form in the little girl’s eyes. 

“Hey, hey, don’t cry. I’ll help you get back. Who are you here with?” 

“My brother,” she responded, and Feyre clenched her teeth. What kind of brother left his little sister alone? With all the fighting she did with Nesta, Feyre knew her sister would never have left her alone in a public place, let alone at night. Once again, Feyre was seeing red. 

“Okay then. Is he at the football game?” Thebe nodded, and Feyre deduced that she must have snuck off into the crowd, bored with the game. She couldn’t say she blamed her.

Taking the girl’s hand in her own and trying not to sigh when little fingers wrapped and her own, Feyre led the little girl back to the raging football game. 

“Do you think you can show me where you were?” Thebe nodded and gripped her fingers tighter, pulling Feyre through the bleachers, using her as a shield from the crazy teenagers. 

Feyre saw Tamlin through the crowd and quickly averted her gaze, focusing back on the girl in front of her until they came to a stop on one of the bottom bleachers. It was surprisingly empty, other than being filled up with athletic bags and water bottles. 

Feyre frowned, following Thebe as she sat down next to one of the bags and pulled out a small jacket that was clearly her own. 

“Thebe, where is your brother?” It was then that the little girl pointed out to the field. “Your brother is playing?” Thebe nodded, leaning her small head on Feyre’s shoulder, her hair tickling her neck, and Feyre admitted that maybe she could stay at the game a little longer, even if she would eventually have to deal with one of the loathsome jocks. But her blood still boiled at the fact that her brother had left her alone. Gods know what could have happened to her if someone else had found her.

“Why did you let me walk you back?” Feyre wondered aloud. Thebe shrugged. 

“You’re pretty. My brother says you can always trust a girl with pretty brown hair.” Feyre blushed, the compliment warming her to her toes. 

“I think you’re pretty too Thebe,” she whispered. 

It was only then that Feyre realized how cold it had gotten. She shivered, running the free hand that wasn’t around Thebe up her arm, which was barely covered with a paint-stained t-shirt. Thebe only reached into the bag in front of her and pulled out a much larger jacket, one with the familiar school colors. She handed it to Feyre, who quickly realized it was a varsity jacket. 

“This is your brother’s jacket Thebe. I can’t-”

“He would share.” Feyre fixed her with a look which Thebe returned with a more convincing one. “Trust me- he would.” Another shiver ran through her and Feyre, sighed, relenting, and shoved her arms into the jacket, immediately warmed. 

They stayed there for a while, watching the game in silence as Thebe began to doze off on her shoulder. Feyre hid her smile as the bleachers creaked, announcing that another person was coming to sit. She looked up to see Cassian Guerra lifting himself onto the bleachers, a carefree grin on his all-too handsome face. The football player’s hair was pulled up in a bun and Feyre vaguely remembered Nesta saying something about him. She doubted it had been positive. 

Feyre remembered Tamlin mentioning how Cassian had gotten injured and was out for the season. It was cool of him to come and support his team. 

His hazel eyes glanced over the little girl next to him and he grinned. 

“Hey, Thee, I thought you were with Az. New babysitter?” Feyre scowled and the little girl seemed to brighten as she looked at Cassian- then at Feyre. 

“New friend,” was all she said, bringing a smile to both her and Cassian’s faces. It was then that he truly looked at her, and a spark of recognition flashed through his eyes. 

“Hey, you’re-”

Cassian broke off as a buzzer sounded through the stadium and the crowd erupted into cheers. He was grinning at her, and Feyre managed back a small smile as Thebe shoved her head into her shoulder. The crowd began emptying out, and Feyre turned to Cassian, meaning to ask what she should do with the little girl. Not that Feyre was too eager to part from her. But he had vanished, finding somewhere else to be, and Feyre huffed, waking the little girl. 

“Alright, I think it’s time we found your brother.” Feyre got up from the bleachers, taking the little girl down to the field where most of the players were still talking to each other and clanking helmets. “Okay, tell me when you see-”

“Rhysie!” 

Feyre’s heart dropped into her stomach as she realized who the little girl was pointing at. Because not ten feet from her, looking impossibly attractive in a way that shouldn’t be possible after sweating for two hours straight, was the bane of her existence. With his jet black hair and twin eyes to Thebe’s, he looked like a god made man. 

“Your brother is Rhysand Knight?” Feyre practically screeched at the little girl holding her hand. 

Thebe nodded excitedly as Rhysand jogged over to his little sister who had quickly abandoned Feyre’s hand and met him halfway. He scooped her up into his arms easily, the grin on his face much too gorgeous for a high school boy, and Feyre grit her teeth. 

Maybe it was just her, Feyre realized, that had to have some sort of connection with the most popular boys in school while managing to remain in the background herself. Rhysand was the captain of the football team and unsurprisingly, loved by most of the people in the school. If he wasn’t so infuriating, Feyre may have even liked him.

But from debating her points in English class to attempting to speak to her afterward, Rhysand Knight was nothing more than a massive pain in Feyre’s ass. A handsome pain, coincidentally, but Feyre refused to acknowledge that at the moment.

“Hey Thee,” he smiled, placing the girl down. “Enjoy the game?” 

It was only then that he noticed Feyre standing behind his sister. It seemed that widening eyes ran in the family, as Rhysand did the same thing his sister had as he gazed at her. 

“H-hey,” he stuttered, the sound strange coming from his usually smooth lips. “Feyre, right?” 

She awaited the inevitable words that always came after the sentence. Tamlin’s girlfriend, right? 

“From English. With Suriel?” Feyre started in place. So he had remembered her. 

But as Thebe ran up to her and tugged at her hand, Feyre ignored the flipping of her heart in her chest at his nervous smile. Instead, she nodded, her movements jerky and final as she arched an angry brow at him. 

“Did you enjoy the game?” he asked, smiling casually again. Feyre huffed. 

“I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I didn’t have to worry about something happening to your sister. I found her wandering around alone in the parking lot,” she snapped. 

Rhysand frowned, glancing at Thebe quickly before looking back at her, pinning Feyre in place with his gaze. 

“What are you talking about? I left her with Cassian and Azriel. They’re like brothers to her and they were watching her the whole time.” Feyre fixed him with a look that said they clearly weren’t and Rhysand’s gaze turned frustrated as he seemed to realize what had happened. 

He sighed, kneeling down until he was eye level with his sister who seemed to be looking everywhere but at him. The sight brought a small smile to Feyre’s face. 

“What did I say about running off Thee? And what did Mom say about talking to strangers?”

“But she said her name is Feyre, like the one you and Cass and Az talk about all the-” Rhysand cut off his sister’s rambling with a playful hand over her mouth and Feyre could have sworn she saw bits of red dotting his cheeks. She pushed away from the thought of how cute she found it. 

“Alright, I think it’s past your bedtime you little menace.” Thebe narrowed her eyes and bit at her brother’s hand, causing him to leap back with a curse, earning an instinctual laugh from Feyre. 

His gaze snapped to hers, softening at her laughing face, and his own turned into a small grin that sent her heart fluttering. 

Shit Fey, you have a boyfriend. 

Her cheeks colored as she noticed Rhysand’s gaze conspicuously running up and down her body and she realized she still had his jacket on. Feyre cursed under her breath, just loud enough for him to hear as she fumbled for the zipper on his jacket. 

“Sorry, I was freezing. Here-” 

“No!” Rhysand cut her off and the blush returned to his cheeks. “I mean- it- you look- uh, you’re just gonna be cold again. Keep it- for now.” Feyre shook her head, unzipping the jacket and handing it to him.

“I should head home anyway. Good game.” She tried for a friendly smile. She had never given him one. Feyre leaned down until she was eye level with Thebe. 

“Thanks for being my game buddy,” she whispered. Thebe beamed, throwing her arms around Feyre’s neck. She hugged the little girl back and tried not to look at Rhysand, whose gaze she could feel on the two of them. 

“Feyre, do you need a ride? I saw Tamlin leave and didn’t know...” His voice rolled over the words like midnight and Feyre shook her head. 

“Thanks but I really don’t live far-”

“It’s going to start raining soon, and I’m not letting you walk home in the dark. Just take the gesture Feyre.” He sounded exasperated, running a hand through his hair. Her eyes narrowed.

“And what, Rhysand, makes you think I want anything from you?”

“Rhys.”

“What?”

“People call me Rhys. Especially people who let me drive them home from football games.” Feyre shook her head in disbelief. 

“Gods, you’re relentless, aren’t you?”

“It’s one of my best qualities darling,” he smirked. 

And there it was, that insufferable charm that had every girl at school drooling over him. Feyre couldn’t say she blamed them, even if it did slightly annoy her. She finally smiled, reaching over to cover Thebe’s ears with her hands. 

“Only second to being a prick?” 

“If I say yes will you let me take you home?” Feyre rolled her eyes and Rhys’ grin widened, both of them knowing she had long since relented. Rhys handed Feyre his jacket and she grumbled, shoving her arms through.  

“Give me a second to find my wallet, then I’ll meet you at your car.” Rhys practically beamed in triumph, scooping his sister back up in his arms and heading back to the parking lot. Feyre loathed admitting that she watched them until they were out of her line of sight. 

She sighed. It was those damn eyes. It had to be.

And it was because of those eyes that ten minutes later, Feyre sat in the passenger seat of Rhysand Knight’s jet black ford fusion. Thebe was in the back, kicking her feet to the beat of whatever song was playing on the radio- one that Feyre couldn’t hear over the pounding of her own heart, and Feyre eyed the little girl through her side mirror so not as to look at the boy beside her. She was keenly aware of the small amount of space between them.

Rhys drove safely, unsurprisingly through their small town, and Feyre gazed out the window until Rhys cleared his throat. She turned to him. 

“So… how are you liking Bronte so far?” Feyre frowned before realizing that he was talking about the book they were reading in English. The book he had argued with her about to no end. 

“I think you know the answer to that Rhys, considering you make it your business to disagree with me.” Surprisingly, the words held no bite to them, and Rhys smiled without taking his eyes away from the road. 

“Well, darling, if you didn’t make it so easy to disagree with you, maybe I wouldn’t have to.” Feyre gaped at him and it was purely instinctual as she reached over the center console and shoved his shoulder as if they were best friends that did it all the time. Gods, what was she doing? She hated him. Maybe.

But if Rhys was surprised by her actions, he didn’t show it as he let out a laugh. Damn, that sound would be staying with her. 

“Look, I’ll give it to Catherine-”

“If this ends with any Heathcliff support I will jump out of this car Rhysand,” she cut him off, tone deadly serious. 

“No!” Thebe called from the back, causing both of the teens to laugh, catching each other's gazes before Feyre quickly looked away. She couldn’t be more grateful for how dark it was in the car so Rhys couldn’t see the blush attacking her cheeks. 

“So, what brought you to the game tonight? Not that you don’t seem like that type of girl but you… don’t seem like that type of girl.” His chuckle sent goosebumps up her arm even though she was still wearing his jacket. Feyre fidgeted her fingers and gazed down at her lap as she shrugged. 

“Uh, Tamlin asked me to come so… here I am.”

“Here you are… in my car.” Feyre sucked in a breath, glaring at Rhys from the side of her eye. The rivalry between the two athletes was no secret, and Feyre had yet to figure out where it had originated.  

“It’s not like that, Rhys. He thought I left. I had… until I ran into a certain black-haired beauty.” Feyre smiled at the side mirror where she could still see Thebe singing along to the radio. Rhys finally smiled too. 

“That’s fair. I know I can be a lot to look at once.” Feyre shoved him again, both of them laughing, and Feyre questioned when her life had turned so off-kilter. 

“Shut up, prick.” She didn’t joke with Rhysand Knight. She didn’t even talk to Rhysand Knight outside of class. So what in the gods was happening?

“Turn here,” she directed, shoving herself out of her thoughts. Rhys obeyed, moments later pulling up in front of her dark house where clearly none of her sisters were home. They sat there in silence for what seemed like eons. Just… sitting there. 

“Well-”

“I-” 

The two laughed as they cut each other off and Feyre shrugged off Rhys’ jacket, shoving it into the open athletic bag next to Thebe, who grabbed her hand before she could pull back. 

“Are you leaving?” she pouted. Feyre gave her a kind, tired smile, and nodded. 

“Sorry Thebe, it’s past my bedtime. But I’m sure I’ll see you around, yeah?” The girl nodded excitedly and Feyre almost startled back when she turned to see Rhys looking at her with a strange expression on his face. 

“What?” Rhys shook his head as if erasing the thoughts.

“Nothing… you just… surprise me.” Feyre snorted, ignoring the blush that had risen to her cheeks. 

“Yes, well, my kid whispering does tend to floor men at times.” But Rhys didn’t smile, or say anything in return, leaving Feyre to raise her brows and clear her throat. “So, I guess it’s my turn to head out.” Feyre placed her hand on the door handle before turning back to the boy next to her. “Thank you. For the ride.” 

Finally, Rhys smiled, his eyes betraying something that looked almost like… anxiety. 

“Hey, Feyre?” The car door had just shut behind her when she heard his voice again.

“Hmm?” 

“Would you want to…” Rhys scratched at the back of his neck and Feyre arched a brow. 

“Would I want to…?”

“Uh,” he cleared his throat. “Go over art notes sometime?” Feyre frowned, fully turning back around and crossing her arms in front of her body to shield herself from the night chill.

“I didn’t know you were in art.”

“Yeah uh- new class.” Feyre nodded, tapping her foot on the ground as she stared him down. Rhys stared right back, clearly unsure of what her answer could be. And she couldn’t help it as a small smile graced her face. 

“I’ll think about it,” was all she said. “Goodnight, Rhysie.” 

Feyre laughed at the sound of Rhys banging his head on the steering wheel and approached her house once more, using her phone flashlight to find the spare key Nesta had hidden somewhere. It was for that reason that she was still outside when Thebe’s little voice spoke to her brother. 

“I like her hair. With the colors. She looks like a princess.” A frown graced Feyre’s lips once more as she subtly inspected a strand of her hair, wondering what the child was talking about. Sure enough, the strands crunched under her fingertips and Feyre had to bite her tongue to keep from screaming in embarrassment.

Of course, Feyre had forgone taking a shower before going to the game. And of course, she had been using her last period of the day as a free period in the art studio. And of course, she had mistakenly dyed her hair with acrylic paint that she had now kept while being in a car relatively alone, with one of the most attractive boys in school. Not that she cared about that, of course. 

Cheeks burning, Feyre finally found the key and rushed into her empty home, wishing for nothing more than a black hole to swallow her whole in her embarrassment. 

But if only Feyre had waited; had paused for more than a moment or tried to hear over the raging sea of emotions inside of her head, she would have heard Rhys’ dazed voice speaking words she wouldn’t even conjure up in a dream. 

“Yeah. Yeah, she does.”

~~

hope you liked it :)

[emilia3546]

Shadowsinger Part 6 - Gwynriel

ACOSF Spoilers! Do Not read this unless you have finished ACOSF and the Azriel bonus chapter

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Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

*****

Azriel was still asleep when she opened her eyes, his hair falling over his eyes as his head dropped onto the back of the chair, had he slept there all night? She couldn't think how he actually managed to fall asleep in a chair of all places. He opened his eyes as she sat up,

"Morning, sleepyhead," she laughed, and he yawned,

"Morni-" and yawned again, setting Gwyn laughing again,

"C'mere, you're hair's all messy." She leaned towards him, quickly tiding it up, brushing it backwards through her fingers, not quite registering how still he had gone until she had finished and sat back, "There we go, that's better,"

"Thank you," he said, his voice much lower than usual, still with notes of sleep in it, she had never noticed it before, and she had to force herself to get up normally, and wash her face, without thinking about that voice. She stared into the mirror for a few moments, mentally preparing herself to face him again, "Gwyn, I'm gonna go and get dressed, I'll see you at breakfast."

"Okay," she shouted back, shit. How was the sound of his voice slowly shredding her self-control? It was just the change in his voice, nothing else, it couldn't be anything else she told herself. She was foolish to even consider it.

Apparently, Cassian and Nesta hadn't emerged yet, so it was just Gwyn and Azriel at the dining table that morning, forcing Gwyn to try to control her thoughts, to push any thoughts of him aside and focus on her food. She hated the silence, it felt wrong, unnatural, and she sighed, anything to break the stillness around them. Even that small sound seemed to wake Azriel,

"Gwyn," she looked up, startled, and smiled, "I just wanted to talk to you about what's going on in Illyria." Oh, she'd forgotten to ask Nesta,

"Okay,"

"I don't know how much Nesta's already told you,"

"I haven't had a chance to ask her yet, so very little."

"Okay, well, the bottom line is that there are those among the Illyrians who hate the changes Rhys has been implementing. Banning wing-clipping, and enforcing it, forcing them to train females, and putting systems in place for those who want help, so they can contact us easily, without their families knowing." Gwyn nodded, good, she'd heard about wing-clipping, seen what had happened to Emerie, it was about time it was finally gotten rid of, completely.

"Okay, so, some of them don't like it, then,"

"No, there are some who have been attempting to ignore the laws, and have failed," he added, seeing her worry, "And then there are those who are restless, hating that they fall under Rhys' jurisdiction. They want an independent Illyria, and freedom to treat their  females how they wish." Gwyn gasped,

"They wouldn't survive on their own, right? They don't have a unified leader, anyone who wanted would be able to invade easily, and their army is paid by Rhysand, they couldn't afford it otherwise."

"Exactly, that's why the wannabe rebels are a minority, but they are there. I promised you no secrets, it's no good trying to protect you from this. There's nothing that could happen in Velaris though, any potential fighting will be in Illyria."

"You're going to fight?" He'd only come back from another war a year ago, and she couldn't face the thought of him, of any of them, on a battlefield.

"Maybe. Hopefully it won't come to that. Hopefully, the loyal Illyrians will be able to stop a full rebellion before it starts. Most of them do support Rhys' new laws, but the minority are very vocal."

"You need to know who is stirring up violence then. And where, and how many, and how strong they are."

"Y-yeah, exactly, have you been reading about this?"

"No, why?"

"Never mind, it's just, you seem to know exactly what to look for, and at dinner last night, you were paying attention to everyone."

"I was just trying to work out what to talk about, I doubt I'd remember it."

"Oh, really, who was complaining, quietly I might add, about the wine running out?"

"Mor."

"Yeah, and what did Rhys say?"

"That it served her right for drinking all his best wine." Azriel raised an eyebrow,

"And Feyre?"

"Laughed at both of them, and called Rhysand a pretentious prick."

"So you don't remember anything?" Gwyn laughed,

"I don't know."

"You instincts are spot-on. It takes months of training for some of my spies to learn to listen to a room like that," he mused,

"Then train me."

"What?"

"Train me. To be a spy, maybe I can help with Illyria."

"Absolutely not, you've not even trained to fight for that long, I'm not letting you anywhere near rebellious Illyrians."

"That's stupid, Az. Train me to help, or at least to listen, I visit Emerie at Windhaven quite often, so I can at least help you get a picture of what it's like there, if nowhere else. Please, I want to be helpful, I'm done being useless."

"You've never been useless, Gwyn, and I will train you, but only so that you have an extra skill set to defend yourself, not so you can go and spy in Illyria." Gwyn huffed,

"Az. You're being stupid, stop trying to keep me safe, train me, and then let me use those skills."

*****

Gwyn was glaring at him, annoyance glimmering in her eyes, he was being stupid, but some part of him couldn't bear the thought of her in danger. She kept her gaze on him as she finished eating, giving him a chance to think,

"I won't say yes," Gwyn shot him another exasperated look, "But," he continued, "You can be a last resort, only if my usual spies can't get in, or can't find anything, then you can go." She narrowed her eyes, considering, and nodded,

"Perhaps Em has heard something, we should ask her today." Azriel nodded, and quickly tidied up their plates,

"You wanna help set up for training?" He grinned, "Should be fun today," Gwyn sat bolt upright,

"Oh no, no, I know that look, you're going to be mean, is there an obstacle course of something?"

"You'll have to come if you want to find out," he slipped out of the room, chuckling as she swore and scrambled out of her chair to follow him. Gwyn's eyes widened at the sight of the course he and Cassian had secretly set up last night before dinner,

"What is it?" She breathed, pretending to be nervous of it, but Azriel noticed how she was shifting her weight from foot to foot, how her voice raised in pitch slightly, she wasn't scared. She was excited,

"It's sort of an obstacle course, but this one simulates enemies, so Cass and I can both watch you fight, without one of us having to be the opponent. And, as a bonus, the second half is brilliant for silent movement training, which is what we'll work up to if you want lessons from me." Gwyn nodded gleefully, and Azriel chuckled at her excitement, "There's only a few things I need to get set up now, the moving parts and stuff. If you like, you can get the weapons racks out and ready while I do that."

As expected, Gwyn was right at the front of the queue to tackle the course, with Nesta and Emerie right behind her, she was bouncing on her toes, waiting, waiting,

"Go!" Cassian's shout spurred her into action, and she leaped over the wall obscuring the course from her view, immediately ducking the padded bar swinging towards her head. She kept light on her feet as she ducked and weaved between moving obstacles, one wrong step and she'd be sent flying. Gwyn kept her focus on one obstacle at a time, facing one, and moving to the next, she rolled sideways, and leaped onto a wall to avoid the final bar, and it slammed into the wood next to her. She gasped, and glared at Azriel, but he chuckled, it wouldn't have really hurt her if she hadn't moved, just left a bruise perhaps, but the near-miss spurred her on, and she sprinted for the next obstacle, but her undivided focus left her exposed for the first 'enemy' to knock her feet out from underneath her. Gwyn gasped and rolled, and Nesta craned her neck to try to see at the sound, glaring at Cassian, and mouthed something at him,

"She says that if Gwyn's hurt, she'll kill us both," Cassian whispered, and Azriel snorted,

"She can try," Gwyn had rolled forwards, her hands automatically raising into her guard, and she easily blocked the next blow from the padded gloves,

"Wait! Az, how do I win?" She shouted when she ducked past and landed a blow, but barely ducked the backhanded counter-strike,

"You run, Gwyn. Run!" He shouted, "You have to beat the obstacles whilst avoiding your enemies, try not to activate the rest of them," Gwyn shot him a look before taking off, and made it past the next obstacle, before another 'enemy' activated, and she was trapped between the two of them. Azriel deactivated them with a quick command to his shadows before they could hurt her, but she was still stuck,

"Azriel!" She shouted, "Make them move, you idiot!" He didn't respond, and just chuckled at her annoyance, "Azriel!" She snapped again, and he reset the course, offering her a hand over the fence to the training ring, and chuckled when she slapped it aside, climbing over herself,

"Not bad for a first try. But, you've got to be aware of your surroundings a bit more, focus on the obstacle, but be aware of the rest of them, both of those enemies were avoidable, in fact, all of them are. When I tested this yesterday, I didn't set any off, Cass set off a few, but you should be able to avoid all of them. You're smaller than us, more agile, use that to your advantage." Gwyn nodded, and grinned when he marked her place, "Beat that next time."

Nesta came within spitting distance of Gwyn's record, a sprained ankle as she underestimated the distance of a jump sending her sprawling to the floor. She was still leaning against Cassian as he fussed whilst Emerie ran the course, only losing when a wing clipped an obstacle, knocking her off balance. She swore, but scrambled over the fence to join her sisters to watch the other females.

"Make sure you cool off, ladies," Azriel called, "Gwyn, you're with me," he stepped aside to a quiet corner of the ring. "First off, I want you to learn to move silently, it should be easy here, there's no stones to move, or creaky floorboards. Go and stand by the wall, and try to reach me without my hearing you."

"Your shadows-"

"They won't betray you, I honestly think they'd rather betray me than you," Gwyn snorted, "Make sure you place your feet carefully, and move slower than you think you need to." Gwyn nodded and Azriel turned his back, waiting for her footsteps to halt as she reached the wall. Ten meters. That was all she needed to cross. She took a deep breath, and fell silent, but after what must have been only a few steps, she rushed, placing a foot too quickly, and Azriel whirled, "Start again, you rushed, move slowly," Gwyn alerted him quickly three more times, groaning in exasperation each time he sent her back to the start, but gradually she started getting closer, only her excitement getting the better of her. She was one step away from him when she scuffed the ground,

"No!" she hissed when Azriel turned to face her, "I can do it, I can."

"I know you can, don't celebrate too early, that's the only issue." Gwyn sighed, and started again, this time remaining silent until she poked him in the shoulder and let out a whoop of delight, grinning at him, and he laughed. She was shining, and his heart leapt with her, his shadows too, her joy becoming his own, and she practically bounced up to him and beamed up at him. There was just something about her, her mere presence lifted his worries, and let his shadows roam, not constrained, but freed. She didn't chase them off as Elain had, or even Mor, she made them sing. He blinked, and realized he'd been staring, so coughed, and forced himself to look away, "Grab a sword, practice your basic movements silently."

Gwyn picked everything up remarkably quickly, it had only taken her half an hour to reach him, and now she was already adapting that technique to the swordplay, even moving the sword silently through the air. Azriel had begun coaching her through it, but now he too fell silent, just watching her, only occasionally offering pointers, and stopped her when he noticed her swings slowing down, her breathing speeding up,

"Go jog a lap, then stretch off, that's enough for today." Azriel stayed to watch, making sure she cooled off completely before leaving her to bathe and change, he should have reports to read from all his spies by now anyway, and Rhys would want an overview this evening.

*****

Gwyn toweled her hair off, and for the first time since she could remember, she had no work to do, Merrill hadn't sent her any messages, any demands more like, and she didn't feel like just sitting and reading on her own. She grabbed her book off her nightstand, and went to find Nesta, but made a face when she heard suspect noises from her friend's room, turning on her heel and heading back the way she had come. She still didn't want to be alone, so she knocked on Azriel's door, and pushed it open at the grunt from inside,

"Can I sit with you, Nesta is, uh, y'know, and I don't want to be on my own. I won't disturb you," she added, noticing the paperwork on his desk, and he smiled,

"Of course, it's just reports to go through,"

"Anything interesting?"

"No. Not yet, but I've only read through a couple, hopefully someone will have something." Gwyn nodded, and settled into an armchair to read. They fell into a comfortable silence, each reading their own material, at ease in each other's company.

As time wore on, Azriel's brows scrunched together, and he narrowed his eyes, even his shadows seemed agitated as they flitted between the two of them. Gwyn set her book aside, and crossed to his side, gently resting a hand on his shoulder,

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing important," he offered her a small smile, "Don't worry," Gwyn squeezed his shoulder softly,

"Az, what is it? Even if I can't help, let me take some of the burden. I won't pretend to know what your job's like, but please, let me help however I can."

"You are helping, by being here, by being safe, you're helping. I have so many people to worry about," he raised the papers, "I can't easily protect them, but you, and the rest of you here, I can keep you safe here. That burden lessens when you're all here." Gwyn softly cleared a spot on the desk, tiding the unusually messy papers, and sat in front of him,

"Did something go wrong?"

"No, I'm just worried it might, honestly, Gwyn, I'm fine." Gwyn narrowed her eyes disbelievingly but before she had a chance to respond, Azriel pushed his chair backwards, and made for the door, "I need to clear my head a bit, I'll be back in a bit."

"Oh, okay," of course he didn't want her help, she was probably just a nuisance, she couldn't possibly understand the stresses he faced on a daily basis. If he needed help he'd ask Cassian, she should leave him alone. But, even as she allowed him time, something made her feet move, made her climb the stairs to the roof.

The stars were beautiful, shining together, and she relaxed at the familiar sight, counting the stars as she had since she was a little girl. She stopped moving at the sight of another figure sitting on the edge of the roof, hunched over, his knees drawn up to his chest, with his great,beautiful wings drooping behind him. Gwyn made her presence known as she crossed the roof and sat beside him,

"Az," she whispered, and put an arm around his shoulders, "Please. Talk to me." he shook his head, staring into the distance still, even as a wing shifted closer to her, "What's wrong?" He just turned to face her, his beautiful face filled with despair, his eyes, usually so full of life were dimmed, empty. Gwyn moved before she knew what she was doing, cupping his face in her hand, and he leaned into the touch, "What happened?" She breathed,

"Nothing. That's the problem. Nothing. I can't even do my job." He broke off and turned away, but Gwyn turned him back,

"Talk to me."

"Rhys has a meeting with all the Camp Lords tomorrow, it could be the make or break moment for the rebellion. I was supposed to get information, who tries to fight his new laws, who wants to fight back, you know. I have nothing. He's going in blind. It's my fault, I failed him. Again." Tears pricked Gwyn's eyes at the despair in his voice, the self-loathing.

"You didn't fail anyone. You did everything you could."

"I could have gone in myself."

"To Illyria? They'd have clammed up completely at the slightest whiff that you were there. You have to trust your spies, and sometimes they won't find anything, and it isn't your fault."

"I couldn't even get them in to some camps."

"Again, they couldn't get in, not you. They work for you, but something that goes wrong on their end does not mean that you let anyone down. Sometimes things go wrong, and no-one is to blame."

"I can't keep letting him down."

"You don't keep letting him down. You could never let him down."

"I did. I wasn't with him when he went to that meeting. I could have stopped it." Gwyn knew the meeting he was talking about, "There was no-one to sniff his drink, if I had been there, she would never have been able to sink her claws into him." Gwyn just nestled into his side, letting him talk, "Fifty years, Gwyn. I failed to find a way to save him for fifty years! And then when he got back, I got injured at Hybern, I forced Feyre to go back to Spring. I am the reason that he almost lost his mate as soon as he found her. I should have known that the queens were after Feyre's sisters in the first place, but I failed them, too." Gwyn rubbed his shoulder, holding his gaze as he spoke, "I was too slow in the battle, he died because I couldn't help."

"No." Gwyn breathed, “He died to heal the Cauldron, you couldn't have done anything.”

"Yes, I could. I was with Helion, his specialty is spellwork. If I'd gotten him there faster, they could have worked together."

"You got him there fast enough to revive him."

"But without Feyre, we never would have had the chance. I can't risk something happening again, for all I know, they might all attack him at the meeting. He'd be fine, but still, I should know if there's a plan like that." Azriel finally stopped for a breath, his gaze returning a little, actually looking at her, not just seeing.

"Az, you have done everything and more that anyone could possibly expect. Plan for what might happen, with what you have, but we can't use what we don't have, so don't beat yourself up about it. Please." It broke her, seeing him like this, miserable, thinking he didn't deserve everything he had built for himself. She couldn't bear the thought of him suffering, alone, thinking that he'd failed those he loved most. Before she could reconsider, she was singing, singing the only song she knew would help him, his mother's lullaby,

Arrorró mi niño

Arrorró mi sol

Duérmase pedazo

De mi corazón

Cierre los ojitos

Ya se va a dormir

Que el pícaro sueño

No quiere venir.

Azriel's gaze remained on her as she sang, his breathing becoming more regular, until his shadows began to dance. She was still leaning against his side when the song finished, and she started again, tears pricking her eyes when he joined in, no hint of the misery left in his voice, just hope.

"Let's get to bed, it's late," she whispered, and Azriel didn't complain as she led him back to his room, but when she turned to leave, she couldn't. He needed her now. She perched on the bed beside him, setting a pillow against the wall, and sang again, stroking his hair as he drifted off to sleep, his head in her lap.

*****

Azriel actually felt rested for the first time in far too long, his mind clear, focused, and he carefully lifted Gwyn into his arms. She snuggled into him as he carried her back to her own room, leaving her sleeping, safe in her own bed. He left her a note,

Gone with Rhys to the meeting, I'll be back this evening. Thank you.

He stole one last look at Gwyn's sleeping form before slipping away.

[sturmmhond]

The way I feel bad for Nesta. Ik what it’s like to experience trauma and not have people for emotional support. The way she was just vilified when she saw her father die and the way she was raised. The way she was treated in the beginning of ACOSF, just because she didn’t warm up to them was disgusting. In the end, Rhys turned out to be a little like Tamlin. It’s like Feyre had no backbone in this book, treated her as if she was fragile

hi, nonnie!! 💖💖

i’m so very sorry. i know these are little more than empty words, but no one, absolutely no one, deserves to be treated the way nesta was. i’m sending you all my hugs 🫂🫂🫂💖💖💖

now onto the book! it was the author’s worst messiest work so far and i’m saying that with all my chest.

rh*sand hid information (life threatening information) from f*yre about her own body, about her own safety, while forcing everyone close to her to do the same. then when nesta finally did the right thing and revealed the truth to f*yre he threatened. to. kill. her.

and i’m supposed to root for the guy?? no. just no.

i love how the fandom sweeps under the rug the fact that rh*sand was more than happy to threaten to kill nesta. those few pages legit made me see even more red than the rest of the book. that’s unacceptable. that’s unforgivable. that’s disgusting.

i’m sad to say that f*yre to me seemed perfectly in character. she’s never been an active protagonist, never taken initiative and always danced to choreographies taught to her by others: tamlin first and then rh*sand. she’s never had autonomy and i don’t think she even wants to develop one.

i’m 100%: give tamlin the redemption arc he shouldn’t need but absolutely deserves team; give lucien the time of day team; let nesta be death incarnate team; not every single pairing has to be mates team; leave azriel alone he is already a good character exactly because he is mysterious- the more we know about him the worse it gets team.

i just have a lot of thots about this series apparently and very few are good.

[lily-mj-fae]

Nesta and Elain

I’m going to add now: I recognize my own clear bias towards Elain. And in many ways, this post is in part to defend her, especially since now that fandom has more insight on Nesta, there’s been an increase in hate towards Elain, especially in regards to her interactions with Nesta. Some of these include expecting her to remain in a toxic situation purely because she “owes” Nesta. And so i want to discuss, why that mindset is wrong (which i’ve done a couple times in terms of morally/ethically) because they barely have a relationship anyway. Mostly, i just want to actually describe what we see of them. I’m going to try to stick to mostly just facts of what happens, with some inferences based on text on either side.

So there’s a lot of evidence to show, that while the two clearly clung to each other when their family fell, and that there’s obvious love on either side for each other, they do not have a strong relationship. Or a healthy one. Or a good one.

Not only do we have Elain mentioning that no one ever really listens to her (which is obvious it does in fact apply to her family as we see in canon a few times over, I’ll get to that). But you’d have thought that in ACOSF we’d see some kind of fond memories from Nesta about Elain. Some kind of fondness. Something that made us really believed and finally understand why she loved Elain so fiercely she would have ripped apart the world to defend her. Instead, we learn, Nesta has never told anyone she loved them until she said it to Feyre. And we do not see a single happy thought about Elain from Nesta. No happy memories. Nothing. But there was no explanation for WHY she felt so strongly for just Elain. And not a single thing to really support her feeling that way.

We’re led by Feyre to believe that Elain and Nesta are so close. And at first glance, sure, it’s easy to believe. They spend the most time together. They gossip and talk at dinner together. They have the matching iron bracelets (that I believe wasn’t a purchase made by both as Feyre seemed to think, but by Nesta, because Feyre mentions specifically how Elain had spent her money on gifts for her sisters, and I think if Elain had been involved, she would have gotten one for Feyre). Then throughout the series we see how much Nesta is willing to fight to protect Elain. How much she wants to keep Elain away from danger. We see her wanting to do things with Nesta, but not knowing how anymore because she’s becoming more distant. We see Elain even wanting to spend time with Nesta and trying to keep her included in things into ACOFAS.

To me, the illusion fades with that conversation with Lucien in the library. When Elain says that no one really heard her. And when you look at things, it becomes obvious. Most especially with Nesta. Feyre we know already knows little about her sisters. She assumed that Nesta hated her, and that her sisters would be glad to have her gone. And is surprised that Nesta would have gone after her. But with Elain we see this frequently. Elain wants to help Feyre. So she speaks up. Yes, it puts her relationship at risk. And yes, we know that Nesta takes over in an attempt to provide a buffer for Elain should Graysen find out, to maybe save her from the heartbreak of him leaving her for helping any Fae. But it doesn’t change that it was Elain’s decision. Elain’s desire to help. Nesta instead pushed her out of it wherever she could (IE taking over correspondence for them) in the name of protecting her. This is a problem. Because 1) Nesta is sacrificing her own feelings to do what Elain wants, which I think is wrong. Nesta didn’t want to help, and I think she should have stuck to that. Stuck to her own decision. 2) Nesta is preventing Elain from dealing with consequences of her actions (IE, if Graysen found out she was helping the fae). 3) This is disrespecting Elain's agency. She's not letting Elain be herself by constantly interfering 4) she then goes on to belittle Elain for those things, despite it being her decisions and actions to interfere. And we can recognize that her intentions are good all we want, it doesn't make the actions themselves good or even appropriate. Intentions only mean so much. They certainly don't excuse such detrimental behavior.

Now could Elain have fought back? The black and white answer? Yes. But it's not that simple. Elain we know has been belittled from a young age by at least her mother (okay that's an assumption on my part. But with feyre's description of their mother and Nesta's memories, i certainly wouldn't be surprised if she'd said those things to Elain's face). And essentially raised to be pleasant and agreeable. A proper lady. Her confidence in herself doesn't seem very high. Not to mention, she's much quieter than Nesta. Imagine how exhausting it would be to fight your sister on every little thing you wanted to do. And we see this in canon. Every time Elain wants to help, she has to fight Nesta. I don't think this just magically started in acomaf. I'd wager its been going since a minimum of coming to the cottage (It’s part of why I think Elain doesn’t necessarily take up chopping wood when the request is there. i think she attempted once, and Nesta stopped her and wouldn’t let her). I personally think since their mother's death. Elain is also younger than Nesta, and we do have canon evidence of her having at least one memory full of complete adoration. And a respect for the art form and her sister's views on life. So her fighting back, isn’t as easy as fandom wants to think it is.

I also want to bring up someone once mentioning in ACOTAR when Elain and Feyre were talking, and Elain mentions that she feels awful to have her friends over because Nesta makes them uncomfortable, and how that’s so disrespectful of Elain. No it’s not. Elain is allowed to have friends over. And Nesta just glared at them. I’m not saying she had to like them (because I understand why she wouldn’t), but that was rude, and she could have easily been elsewhere, and let Elain have her friends and enjoy time with them. I also read it differently, in that Elain feels awful inviting her friends over because it’s upsetting Nesta too. Which isn’t fair to her either, given that Nesta has at that point begun isolating herself (and while we as readers become aware of why later, Elain has absolutely no idea. And already has said Nesta wouldn’t talk about it. Implying she tried reaching out too), thus leaving Elain feeling very lonely. Overall, Elain here is feeling the way she should. It’s like when you have company over and your parents start yelling at you, or just being anything less than polite and you have to deal with the awkward tension. 

Then comes ACOSF. And i know i wasn't the only one hoping to find out more about their relationship. And i’m not the only one who was left disappointed that we still don’t get to understand Nesta’s behavior when it comes to Elain. In fact, if I had only read ACOSF and you had told me that before that, Elain seemed to be Nesta’s favorite sister, I’d call you a liar. I do not get a single ounce that Nest has a loving feeling for Elain in ACOSF. Certainly at the very least, not enough to justify the way she treated Elain vs. Feyre in earlier books. Not to mention, Nesta is under the very immature and inaccurate idea that Elain has chosen Feyre over her. As if it’s black and white. As if Elain can only love her or Feyre. And yes, it’s a sign of her mental illness with depression and trauma. That’s fine. But it still shows a very limited viewpoint. And really only shows a care for herself, no thought of Elain or Elain’s state of mind or even really any empathy for the fact that Nesta was the one causing the rift between them and how that was truly affecting Elain. (Again more trauma response. But my point here is that there is very little empathy towards the sister that we’re told she so vehemently loves).

Now onto the part that I know is my unpopular fandom opinion: Nesta dealing with Elain’s trauma vs Elain dealing with Nesta’s...and how their traumas were very different to deal with in the first place.

My unpopular opinion is that Nesta wasn’t doing anything to actually help Elain. She was doing everything to protect her. But was not interested really in her healing. Nesta isolated Elain, who had previously been social in many ways. We don’t ever see how she fought for Elain to eat or drink or have a will to live. We only hear her say that’s what she did. But fandom does need to stop saying that Nesta was with Elain every second of every day (i have had people say this in arguments. It’s a flat out lie. There’s far more textual evidence that Nesta left Elain alone throughout her trauma than there is that she was by her side constantly. And I don’t say she was never by her side). Because the fact of the matter is that isn’t remotely true. Perhaps of the first few weeks. Before Feyre returned. But after that? We hardly see Nesta with Elain. We instead see her keeping people from interacting with her. Keeping them from giving Elain choices.

And we can shout that she was doing what she thought was best, but it doesn’t change that the effect it had was Elain being isolated and underprepared. Elain had been trying to do her part to help since ACOMAF. And she was being blocked. Elain deserved that chance to go to the high lord’s meeting and share her story (especially since Nesta didn’t want to and wasn’t going to up until the last minute). And Elain should have been offered the same training as Nesta. Especially once they learned she had powers. Instead no one offered to let her help (even though she’d been wanting to help since Feyre first came asking). No one offered to train her. Because Nesta would have had their heads. Saying that it was to keep Elain from doing something she might not have been ready for, plays into the idea that Nesta is protecting Elain from growing. Learning. Protecting her from the consequences. Nesta refused to let anyone really near her beyond the necessities.

Speaking of: Can we please talk about something no one else does? The fact that Nesta just accepts the fact that Elain is mad. That she’s broken. The effect that could have had on her, is so detrimental to Elain’s mental health. The thoughts she was probably already dealing with and then to hear that from her sister? Like she refuses to accept that there could be another answer. And while we might agree and empathize why she would say that, it doesn’t change the effect saying it would have on Elain, who was already struggling heavily to deal with everything that had been thrown at her at once. And even once Elain became Lucid, and they identified the problem, Nesta (and Feyre) continued to try to leave her behind. Again, yes, in the name of protecting Elain. But Nesta never listened to Elain. Never saw that Elain improved upon being involved. That just that action of her wanting to do something, was making her Lucid and back to herself. Instead, Nesta ignored that. Which is why I say she wasn’t focused on Elain’s healing. That and the fact that she’s making assumptions that Elain is fine now.

Elain tried to stay involved with Nesta. No, she didn’t go outside her comfort zone and go into the places Nesta was spending time. But she was trying. I admit, the shot upon Nesta’s arrival is weird. I’m torn between thinking it was a legit, to help relax, or thinking it was something she was pouring as Amren said the comment and decided to drink it instead of giving it to Nesta. (Because yes, it would be easy to say as Amren spoke, elain had been pouring, but even without that, it doesn’t mean things aren’t happening at the same time). When that didn’t work, Elain agreed intervention was necessary. and I just made a whole ass post about why that wasn’t giving up on Nesta like fandom keeps thinking.  

And of course, Elain is not perfect here. She has made her mistakes. Though hers are mostly in terms of words. At least the ones I could find textual evidence for when it comes to Elain and Nesta. And mostly done in terms of emotional response.

Now. I did not intend for this post to shit on Nesta. I’m afraid it feels like it has. So I am going to tag it accordingly. But this was more to bring to light the reality that Nesta and Elain aren’t that close. They don’t have a close relationship. They were more security blankets for each other in ACOTAR, and their missing foundation began to show in ACOMAF when Nesta was unaffected by Tamlin’s Glamour and Elain was. I do think there’s a lot of love to be had between them. (Honestly hearing Elain talk about Nesta dancing, and hearing her be happy that Nesta has the Valkyries, even though she feels like she’s been losing Nesta made my heart swell for the amount of love there). But I wanted to point out that their relationship was extremely surface level and nothing deep. That it’s certainly not what fandom acts like it is as they spin this tale of complete and utter evil Elain betraying Nesta and how Nesta has done so much for Elain. Nesta had never even told Elain she loved her. Ever. Which i think is telling about where they really stand. 

So let’s please stop acting like Elain owes Nesta everything under the sun because of all the things Nesta did for her. Their relationship was never deep. And while Nesta’s protectiveness stems from a place of love, is actually more detrimental to Elain and her overall growth, than it is good. And Elain has done the things she considered to be best for Nesta, and tried to show love her way. Which is equally unperfect. Because neither of them are perfect.