#and the fact that he looks weirdly non-pureblood....

[resol-nare]

HE'S A FUCKING ZELTRON, ISN'T HE????

[kerie-prince]

We're Worlds Apart (3)

Draco Malfoy x American No-Maj!reader

series m.list | general m.list | previous chp

warnings: cursing, angst(?), Draco being a meanie :(

summary: Draco Malfoy is a pureblood wizard. Magic runs through his veins and has been since his birth. You're a Wiccan No-Maj; a non-magical being with ordinary blood through your veins, but practices what you call magick. And this very practice upsets your neighbor.

a/n: not my best lmao kinda gets cheesy. anyways, Y/M/N = your mother’s name and Y/B/N = your brother’s name

(gif cred)

“Do I really have to get one?” Draco whined in the middle of the phone store, getting his very first cellular device.

“Yeah, man. It's 2008 and you still write letters. Plus, your bird took a shit on my car,” Blaine said matter-of-factly. He found it funny that Draco still used an owl post for communication; the only other person Blaine knew that still uses an owl is his 97 year old grandmother. And even she has a landline in her house. “It's just easier and quicker to use. Why wait a whole day for a letter when you can just text me and I’ll respond in two seconds?”

“I’ve never even used a wall phone, how do you expect me to use a bloody cell-phone, Blaine?” Draco was fidgeting in his seat as he waited for the store employee to finish, what was it called, a credit score? Muggles sure are weird.

She came back shortly with a small, black box that had a weird word on it. What the bloody hell is an iPhone? She explained how it turned on, all the applications it carried, and details about billing and more. Draco was still confused about the whole thing but Blaine said that he would help him understand it better.

“Well look at you, Dray. A modern wizard in America,” Blaine jokes. Draco played with the new device, working out all the kinks of it. He sent his very first text message to Blaine at that moment. Took him precisely 5 minutes to type out a very bland, simple ‘Hello. -Draco L. Malfoy’

It made Blaine laugh so hard that he held his stomach. “My god, we’re gonna have to work on your texting skills, man. First things first, you don't have to sign your name at the end of a text. I know it's you.” Blaine explained to Draco all the fundamentals of texting as they walked through the halls of Santa Marie.

Throughout the day, Draco shared his new number with his department. The more he shared his number, the faster he became at typing.

At the end of his shift, he went to a nearby restaurant where he usually picked up dinner —not one to know his way around the kitchen — and headed home.

It's been a good week for him; his mother had sent him a letter everyday, he finished setting up the guest room for Theo and Blaise, he has this new phone, and best of all, Y/N had not crossed his mind once.

Now he still hasn't accepted what she does in her free time, but also he realized that she’s not exactly harming him nor did she know what he was. He's usually busy with all the work he does, anyway. It was quite a sudden change of heart. But mostly, it was his mother that was able to talk to him and change his views.

My dearest son, had it been during the time before the war, I would have agreed with you. But you have to understand that things are different now. You're different now. Now I am not forcing you, but maybe you should just talk with her just once. If not, just ignore her. After all, she only lives next door.

When he read the letter, he could practically hear all of his friends telling him ‘She's right, you know.’ And deep down, he knew it too. So he went with her advice: ignore Y/N.

—

You’ve had a terrible week; your assistant manager forgot to count the inventory which meant she also forgot to make an order for inventory. A group of teens stole a bunch of little vials of oils you had put on display. And to top it all off, a man stood in front of your shop with signs that had biblical verses written on them, blocking the entrance way and essentially driving away any potential customers. You called security but they never came.

You were used to this happening, it's happened all your life. But that didn't mean that it didn't hurt. I'm not harming anyone, so why does this happen to me? Next week, your mother was flying in from Maine to look around the house to make sure nothing would ‘freak Stephanie out.’ 

Driving back home, you were just waiting to mix some bath salts in your tub, play music, and relax for the next couple of days. By sheer coincidence, as you pulled in you noticed your neighbor that you now knew as Draco pull into his driveway.

This week can't exactly get worse you thought as your legs carried you to his front door. With gentle knocks on the door, you waited patiently. Being rejected once more didn't bother you, but you at least wanted to hear him speak to you and try your chance to become better acquainted.

Draco opened his door, his tie was undone and he looked confusingly at you. “Can I help you?”

Panic overcame your senses and without thinking, you blurted out, “Do you hate me?” You noticed his shocked face as it was probably not something he expected to hear.

“Excuse me, what exactly are you talking about?” he asked in his entrancing British accent. It was too late to take it back, so you just kept going with it. “I’m sorry, but you moved in here four months ago and you seem to have made friends with everyone around here but for some reason, you won’t even say ‘hi’ to me. Did I offend you or something?” You sounded exhausted and sad. Not only at the week you just had, but how Draco wasn’t being so neighborly with you as he was with everyone else on the street. It bothered you so much to no end. And the most frustrating thing was that you didn’t understand why.

“Uh, I apologize that we haven’t been on speaking terms but I don’t think I have to talk to you now, do I?” Draco scoffed. Why is he being such a jerk? “I’m not saying that you have to talk to me, but it’d be nice if you could at least wave or something. But instead, you look at me funny and ignore me. It’s kinda rude.” 

“Merlin, you muggles are so temperamental.” Draco said under his breath. The word sounded funny to you.

“Muggles? Did you just call me a muggle?” The look on Draco’s face didn’t go unnoticed. He stared at you for a few moments, not saying anything. What does that mean? “Is that what you call Americans in the UK? Doesn’t really sound nice.”

Draco started laughing mockingly at you, his grip on his door tightening and knuckles turning white, “Look, I don’t understand what it is exactly you want from me but I will say this; the fact that you are so offended that I won’t acknowledge you is honestly quite fucking childish and if you couldn’t get the hint then I’ll say it plainly for you now. I don’t. Wish. To. Be. Friends. With. You. Got it?” and with that, he slammed the door in your face.

Groaning out, you yelled at him through his door, “Fuck you then! I don’t wanna be friends with some rude prick!” You ran to your door and slammed it pretty hard. The sudden noise frightened your cat and made her run from her tower into your room. What the fuck is his deal? 

You walked to your room, pissed off and tired. Looking up, you saw Draco in his room. You stared each other down before you walked up to your window to close your blinds, flipping him off before it fully closed. Afterwards, you took a regular shower and went to bed. Anger built up inside you, and for probably the first time, you hated another human being. And you had to live next to him for god knows how long.

-

“I mean, did you really have to say that to her?” Ian and Ashley had just listened to Draco explain what had happened the night before. Ian just sat in the chair eating his lunch as Ashley responded to him. “I know things might be different in England, but you should’ve given her a chance. She could be nice. I have a couple No-Maj friends on my block.”

“I’m on Ash with this. Is it really all because she’s Wiccan? Be honest, Dray,” Ian chipped in. At that point, Draco didn’t really know what to say. He thought he could look past it, but he couldn’t. “Maybe, yeah. I come from two families that had very strict traditions and views of muggles. I thought I dropped those views but seeing first hand what they do and-”

“And it makes you feel like a freak? Because you’re a real wizard that can do magic and they sit in some weirdly drawn circle and ‘do’ magic?” Ashley finished Draco’s sentence, making quotation marks with her hands. “I get it, I really do. I was offended too when I had to read about No-Maj’s doing this during school. And then to see movies where witches are viewed as ugly, green-skinned hags with warts on her face and wear rags for clothes. Kinda brings you down as a kid. But I got over it. You should, too.” Ashley held Draco’s hand for a bit before she grabbed her coffee mug and left for her appointments.

Ian sat quietly, watching as Draco was sinking in everything he was advised. “Look man, it’s not really my business to be telling you what you should or shouldn’t like, and who you should or shouldn’t like. And you know what, you’re not exactly in the wrong to get mad about what happened. After all, she just kinda picked a fight with you out of nowhere.” Draco had a face that looked as if he was saying ‘Right? I’m not crazy here’

“But,” of course there’s a ‘but’, “from what I hear around the street, Y/N’s really nice. Super weird for sure, but an overall nice person. I think you should think about it.” Ian nodded at Draco before joining Ashley out of the breakroom. Draco sat there, thinking about what his friends said and also thought back to his mother’s letters. I’m such a child. And I’m the one that called her childish. If he was honest, you were but it didn’t make him better.

He knew what he was going to do after work. It pained him to have to apologize to someone. Apologizing wasn’t something he was exactly used to doing. He’s only done it once to Harry and his friends nearly three years after the Battle. He didn’t even really know what to say to you. But he’ll figure it out. Right?

-

You stood shocked at your doorstep, hands holding onto the sweater as you looked before you. “Mom, you’re here early.”

“I had been given an extra week off of work so I thought I’d just come and see my oldest baby before your brother and Stephanie comes. Also gives me a head start to plan our dinner and get this house situated,” your mother walked past you with her two large luggage cases and dropped them on your living room floor. She looked around the house and eyed all the decorations and pictures on the walls.

To her, everything was nearly normal. You had family pictures posted and some pictures of you and your friends from college. In the living room, you had a tapestry hung up behind your couch that used to belong to your grandmother. “Y/N please, will you take down that blanket? Why don’t you put up a picture of some flowers, or maybe something abstract?”

“Because I don’t want a picture of flowers and that’s not a blanket. It was Grandma’s. I want it hung up there. Ma, you gotta understand that it’s my house now.” Your arms were crossed due to the cold. You had the day off and tried to spend it well as you did your cleansing spell in the morning, but it seems that it wasn’t very effective seeing as your mother came in and immediately started nitpicking everything.

“It was cute in your room when you were a kid. But you’re 26 now. How would your boyfriend feel if he walked in here and thought ‘oh, didn’t know I was dating a 16 year old.’” Her constant criticism was nearly pushing you to the edge. “Ma, I don’t really want to argue with you tonight so I’m just going to bed-” a doorbell rang throughout the house and you were thanking whoever was listening for giving you a reason to walk away from your mother. 

As soon as you opened the door, you were met with another face that you weren’t exactly excited to see. “Can I help you?” you repeated Draco’s words from last night back at him in a spiteful tone.

Through gritted teeth, he looked at you and said, “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for being an arse yesterday. I hope we can look past it and become well-acquainted neighbors.”

“Huh, you’re sorry? You don’t really sound it.”

“I know, I’m not really used to doing this,” Draco quipped. “But nonetheless, I would still like to apologize.”

“Yeah, whatever, I’m sorry too.” You were about to close the door until your mother came up and pushed the door completely open, “Honey, who’s at the door- oh! Hello, I’m Y/M/N. And you are?” She looked at Draco with the nicest smile that you had ever seen on her.

“Hello, My name’s Draco. Nice to meet you,” he awkwardly shook your mother’s hand. He didn’t smile, but he also didn’t have the usual scowl on his face when he would look at you. Guess he does have manners. “Y/N, is this a friend of yours?” your mother insinuated with a less than discreet wink. Without missing a beat, you replied, “No. Ma, this is my new neighbor. I just met him. But it’s late, so nice meeting you Draco. See you around.” And you closed the door.

“That was rude, Y/N. You should have invited him in. He’s very cute,” your mother grabbed her bags and headed into the guest room. From a distance, you could hear your mother speak to herself, saying ‘At least this room looks normal’. “It’s kinda late. Besides, we have all the time in the world to talk.” 

You walked to your small closet and grabbed the special bath salts for stress relief and walked to your bathroom. Starting to strip, your mother barged in. “Ma! Privacy, please!”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Y/N. I gave birth to you. Anyways, how long has it been since he moved in? Do you think he knows about your witchy stuff?” She asked as she stood by the door, checking her reflection as you continued to undress for your bath. “I don’t really hold a sign around my neck that says I’m a Wiccan, Mother,” you said with closed eyes. Your mother said, “I hope not. Night, baby,” and closed the door.

This is going to be a long three weeks.

-

The morning came and you woke up before your alarm and did your daily routine. The only difference was that your mother was going through your pantry looking for ingredients to make breakfast. “Morning, honey. Do you want some pancakes? I’ll make your favorites! It’s still blueberry, right?”

“No, that was Y/B/N. Mine are chocolate chip and peanut butter.” You said flatly as you grabbed your watering can. “Oh that’s right. But I already bought the blueberries.”

“That’s fine, they still taste good.” Your mother was satisfied with your response and started right away. You walked out to your front yard and watered your plants along the fence. The betony plants were beautiful, its sight was calming your nerves as you poured water over them. The sound of a door closing caused you to look up, watching Draco as he was standing in his yard with what seemed like a cigarette attached to his lips before he took it out and placed it onto an ashtray that was on his porch.

He walked over to the fence that separated your yards. The smell of the cigarette was in the air and it reminded you of your late father. “I meant it last night,” he mentioned his apology. You didn’t really know what to say so you just nodded and went back to watering your plants.

“But if I recall, you did start that fight,” he chuckled. You glared up at him for a few seconds before returning to your task. “Alright, I guess I’m sorry too.” Draco scoffed and just whispered ‘Whatever’ and walked away. “Wait,” you called for him before he walked back into his house and luckily, he stopped. “I’m sorry,” you said with sincerity. “Can we just start over?”

He stared at you, visibly contemplating your question then finally said, “Sure.” He walked into his house and you stood shocked in your yard. Your mother walked out and announced to you, “Honey! Breakfast is ready! Come on, I think your plants are watered enough.” With the snap of your screen door, you were released from your daze and walked inside. Maybe this week is turning around after all.

-

Draco sat in his room, not exactly sure what exactly happened. Was he really going to try and become friends with a muggle? He could imagine the look on his fathers face. Just because he had lost in the Battle, didn’t mean that he magically accepted muggles and muggle-borns. Narcissa didn’t like them much either but she also didn’t hate them as Lucius did.

This would shock not only his parents, but also his friends, Blaise and Theo. Merlin, the person that would probably have a field day about this would be Hermione Granger. He sat there, imagining Granger either laughing at him or cursing him after all the bullying he put her through. All those years of calling her a mudblood and he becomes friends with a muggle. A No-Maj. A Wiccan No-Maj. But then he thought about what Ian said at work. Y/N is really nice. Weird, but nice. And when he agreed to having a fresh start with you, he figured that it would give you a chance to prove him wrong about what you were like.

Or she could be exactly what I always thought muggles to be. Foolish.

—

next chp

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[mzminola]

I have just bumped into your pool noodle for the first time and I am fascinated by it

It’s so!!! Like obviously as someone with so little canon factoids let alone characterization, Regulus/a has a lot of wiggle room to fit a story! But what little we do get leads to a lot fun contrast with this ship?

Because like...there’s some stuff where they look similar at first glance, but then the underneath is different. Both dedicated to their families, right? Trying to make their parents proud? But Regula, arguably, is that way out of fear (of being treated like her brother was (waves cheerfully at your Zuko icon)), while Percy’s coming from a healthier place...that still blew up spectacularly.

Then we get superficially different, potentially similar: canonically Reg joins Voldemort with parental approval, then turns on him. Percy joins the Ministry...and when his parents tell him to turn on the Ministry he tells them to piss off. But interestingly, Percy’s parents told him to reject the Ministry based solely on the word of...one single powerful old charismatic wizard who was raising a personal army. Hm, that sure would sound familiar to Reg, wouldn’t it?

SUPER not sure yet how that all changes with the timing on this (they go through Prisoner of Azkaban as fiancés, getting their NEWTs* before marriage) and the fact that Reg is 100% sure Sirius is innocent, so like...uh...how the fuck do things blow up if Percy still gets the job as Crouch’s assistant? The man who convicted Reg’s brother without a trial??? Reg only SEEMS like she has chill because she was raised to be a Polite Young Lady but this is still the person who left Voldemort a Fuck You note so I imagine Reg meeting Crouch is NOT PRETTY.

~

Meanwhile, Reg & Percy’s different upbringings and eras they came of age in exacerbate the Displaced In Time dynamic.

The wizarding world in generally is pretty old-timey compared to ours, and the Ancient & Most Noble House of Black sure was very old-timey. Whereas the Weasleys are very progressive! They’re also working class, which I get the impression helps with the progressiveness. Wealthy Purebloods can ignore the world changing if they want, the family of the man who heads the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts department can’t.

Then there’s how the idea of arranged marriages would’ve been presented to them. Granny Relly is the one who came up with the idea, Arthur and Molly accepted it but are VERY CLEAR to all the kids that this is an OPTION, not an OBLIGATION. Percy even saw Bill & Charlie reject the idea, with zero consequences! He knows he can Nope out and have his family’s love and support still.

Regula has known she’d likely have to marry someone her parents picked her whole life. That Granny Relly up there? That’s Cedrella Black who was held up to Reg her whole childhood as Who Not To Be because she run off and married for love. Reg wakes up from her magical coma, gets told by Grandmama Mel that she’s got a fiancé now and just accepts it. Maybe if Percy was a Voldemort supporter, Reg would have objections! But he’s not.

(Arthur is genuinely horrified by how non-questioningly accepting Regula is of the engagement.)

And then less then two decades difference means they grew up in completely different eras:

Percy was five when the war ended. It affected him, I firmly think “sometimes Mum or Dad will tell you to do something Right Now that you don’t understand, and if you disobey you or your siblings could get hurt” is why he’s so attached to jumping when an authority says jump. But he grew up in peacetime. The war was over, the victors decided, problems lingered but no one’s being told to pick sides. His worries are normal peacetime worries.

Reg grew up in the war, and was recruited into it before graduation. All her classmates knew they’d have to pick sides, debated it with each other. Were hearing about disappearances, deaths, possibly from within their own families. I’m going with the idea that Reg set off to destroy the locket in October of her 7th year, after having joined the Death Eaters months or even years before that, dragged in by her cousins during school holidays. She’s been in skirmishes, not known who to trust, and came to the conviction that stopping Voldemort was worth dying for.

It honestly feels more like Reg is from a hundred years ago than just fourteen.

~

Percy: I need to support my fiancée as she adjusts to the changed world. I will tell her about Quidditch matches she missed and ask the professors about changes in the curriculum, we can study for NEWTs together :) :) :)

Reg: so while I was unconscious everyone found out that I was a Death Eater and that I betrayed Voldemort. I need to make allies ASAP to keep from being shanked by either side, including my own extended family. Yes, do tell me all about cauldron bottoms and Muggle factoids.

Also Reg: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MISSED GWENOG JONES PLAYING FOR WALES AGAINST NORWAY IN THE QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP.

Percy, sincerely: I know, this is the definitely most tragic thing about your coma, you have my sympathies and condolences.

~

*Sirius as Padfoot sneaking around campus, seeing a 7th year Slytherin that’s a dead ringer for his dead sister: THE FUCK. Sirius thinking about it: No probably just a...a weirdly similar cousin. Sirius hearing someone call her Regula: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

[cursed-ice-queen]

So I’ve written a bit about her before here, but here is my interpretation of Olivia Green! I had originally told myself when I started writing my story not to do anything with her because I was sure JC would do something more with her first but...that didn’t happen. So of course my imagination went into overdrive.

I’m proud of how her acne came out! Worked a bit on lips before giving up. But I did shade this time!

OLIVIA GREEN

Half-blood - Ravenclaw - Half British, Half Japanese

Birthday: May 7th

First Wand: Beech, Phoenix core

     “The true match for a beech wand will be, if young, wise beyond his or her years, and if full-grown, rich in understanding and experience. Beech wands perform very weakly for the narrow-minded and intolerant. When properly matched, the beech wand is capable of a subtlety and artistry not seen in any other wood, hence its lustrous reputation.”  

Second Wand: Ebony, Phoenix core

     “Ebony wands have an impressive appearance and reputation, being highly suited to all manner of combative magic, and to Transfiguration. Ebony is happiest in the hand of those with the courage to be themselves. Frequently non-conformist, highly individual or comfortable with the status of outsider. In the experience of Garrick Ollivander, the ebony wand’s perfect match is one who will hold fast to his or her beliefs, no matter what the external pressure, and will not be swayed lightly from their purpose.”

Animagus: Red-crowned Crane

About Her:

Eccentric but in a fun way. People are confused by her but not put off. She’s generally liked but not popular.

Not the prettiest girl with a wide, square jaw, wide set eyes, and bad acne. She’s slightly self-conscious about her appearance (mostly because of her birth mother) but for the most part she doesn’t let it bother her. Nobody bullies her for her looks but her birth mother.

Not afraid to cut her own hair.

She likes to wear bright colors and push the boundaries of the dress code. None of the professors know what to do about her wearing neon pink leggings because it technically isn’t disallowed.

Was sorted into Ravenclaw but truly believes she was supposed to be in Gryffindor.

She did theatre as a kid. Liked acting and singing but hated her birth mother doing her hair for every performance. Once cut it before going on stage to her birth mother’s horror.

Known to give friends and random people odd nicknames. She calls Jacob Parker “Ol’ Banana Chips”, there’s no story behind it.

Both of her birth parents are magical but her birth mother is not pureblood. Because of this and the fact that she’s grown up in the non-magical world, Olivia considers herself half-blood.

Like Badeea she’s interested in inventing her own Charms and created one that allows her to walk on water by creating ice underfoot that supports your weight.

She’s also weirdly interested in pirates and nautical things. She knows several sea shanties and once auditioned for the Frog Choir with “Wellerman”.

Her favorite insult are, “you impotent mayfly” and “you broken condom”.

She gets roped into R due to her proficiency in Transfiguration and ability to create spells. Like Jacob and Duncan she doesn’t understand the dangers until she’s in too deep.

She keeps a denim bag with her that she enchanted with the Extension Charm to hold far beyond its capacity. She decorates it with charms and patches and occasionally colors on it with Sharpies before cleaning it off with magic.

Poor thing has really bad periods. REALLY bad. Has-to-be-medicated bad. Wiggenweld potions don’t work on menstrual cramps so she has to rely on Muggle painkillers. The first time Jacob offers her ibuprofen she throws herself at him in a hug and almost kisses him.

Once she’s in Mahoutokoro she starts to play the electric cello and learns how to ice skate.

Mother:

Maeda Yachi - adopted mother, pregnant with Tadashi when they met

Miranda Green - birth mother, disowned by Olivia

Father: Maeda Hotaru - birth father, didn’t know she existed until she appeared on their doorstep

Brother: Maeda Tadashi - little half brother, 15 years younger

1st Year:

Meets Jacob when he falls on the trick stair on their first day, accompanies him to the Hospital Wing.

Learns how to stand up to Snape (”Why would you brag about being bad at your job?”).

2nd Year:

Begins making her own spells, starting with the Ice Walking spell.

3rd Year:

Begins receiving instructions from R.

4th Year:

Black Lake Incident, asks Jacob for help inventing spells, eventually befriends him and together they create a Textbook spell (allowing them to essentially text each other in notebooks) and a Muggle Tech spell that allows them to play Muggle speakers at Hogwarts (which Snape quickly destroys).

Celestial Ball.

R agent Pius kidnaps Olivia just before she boards the Hogwarts Express home and forces her to work on finding the Coral Key.

When she finds it, Pius tries to drown her but she escapes to Japan.

After Hogwarts:

She finds her birth father in Japan and lives with him and his pregnant wife. Over the next few months she has to accustom herself to life in Japan, learn Japanese, come to terms with almost dying, and get to know her new family.

Olivia begins Mahoutokoro as a fourth year the beginning of the next year. She’s there when she finds out about Jacob’s expulsion and disappearance and Duncan’s death.

As she gets older she grows to appreciate her Japanese heritage more than she ever did with her birth mother and focuses more on her mental health and wellbeing.

She also becomes an Animagus.

What I imagine her Pokémon team would be when she’s a kid at Hogwarts. Vaporeon, Pumpkaboo, Chinchou, Mawile, Emolga, and Yamper.

Her team as an adult, while she’s tending to her mental health. Oricorio (Sensu forme), Gardivoir, Audino, Espeon, Musharna, and Togekiss.

And finally, her team when she’s ready to kick ass and get shit DONE. Froslass, Dragonair, Starmie, Empoleon, Lapras, Hatterene.

[tialovestelevision]

The Bachelor Party

Back to Angel for a Doyle-centric episode. About demon weddings. Yay? 1. Angel is reading a book. Doyle wants to go to a sports bar with him. Cordy has a date with a guy named Pierce, who is fabulously wealthy. She has a lovely dress on. 2. Doyle, Cordy has turned you down. Move on. 3. Doyle just found a picture of Buffy and is all whistly and cat-cally at it. 4. And Doyle has been saved from a very uncomfortable conversation by a vision of a vampire nest. 5. I’ve been watching Supergirl lately, for non-blogging purposes, with my girlfriend. Know what a lot of current shows lack? Serious opening songs. They’re worth something… kind of wrestling entrance music, but for your whole show. 6. Cordy’s date is boring her to death talking about hog options. Angel and Doyle are fighting vampires with exceptional violence. 7. Doyle isn’t very good at the whole fighting thing. But his demon form is apparently stronger. 8. But they’re being followed by a vampire. In particular, Doyle is. 9. Vampire attacking Cordy and her date. Her date just drove off and left her to the vampire. Cordy bit the vampire. Doyle shot the vampire in the foot, and now is getting beaten up by the vampire. Trying to get his bolt… and staking done. 10. Cordy was grateful. 11. “Turns out the shoe part was giving him too much credit.” 12. Cordy thinks Doyle has substance. She doesn’t like that. But she wants to buy him a moccachino. 13. The crossbow bolt has a metal tip. Is the wooden shaft enough? Apparently. That could revolutionize vampire killing. 14. Doyle’s first name is Francis. There’s a pretty girl named Harry who’s here to see him. Ah. Allen Francis Doyle. Harry is Doyle’s wife. 15. Harry and Doyle apparently don’t get along. They need to get their paperwork done. There’s a guy here with Harry. He thinks Angel is Doyle. And just insulted Doyle. His name is Richard. Richard is marrying Harry. 16. Angel is making Cordy go through reports with him, so Harry can have a moment with Francis. 17. Yep. Harry is here to finalize their divorce so she can marry Richard. 18. Angel is offering to drink with Doyle and Doyle isn’t drinking. Doyle and Harry fought when they split up. Apparently, part of why they split up was Doyle finding out he’s half-demon. They were talking about kids. 19. Doyle is sending Angel to trail Richard. 20. And he drank Angel’s drink. 21. Angel: Rooftop Vampire. 22. Huh. Richard is, in fact, up to something. Angel is following him to see what. He went into a steak house that’s closed, but he has a key. And is putting something in the fridge. 23. Now Richard and Harry are being all flirty and Richard just drank some wine and is a demon and getting a knife. Angel is attacking him. Harry is stopping Angel from attacking Richard, and Richard is defending Doyle. Richard is a peaceful demon, and Harry is an ethnodemonologist. 24. Richard is an ano-movic demon. 25. Doyle is rethinking his judgement of Harry. “Harry didn’t leave because of the demon in me. She left because of me.” 26. And he signed the divorce papers. 27. Richard’s sweet demon family wants Doyle’s blessing for the wedding. And Doyle at the bachelor party. 28. “The ritual eating of the first husband’s brains. Then charades.” Oops. 29. Angel went with Doyle to the party. That’s a good thing, at least. 30. They’re speaking Ano-movic. 31. Doyle is drinking with Richard. And Cordy is hanging out with Harry. Doyle had students. He taught third grade. He volunteered at a food bank, and that’s where he met Harry. 32. Demon women are playing Pictionary. 33. I think the stripper is there. They’re almost to the ceremonial brain-eating. 34. Ah, nope, the stripper just arrived. Richard wants Doyle’s blessing.Lap dance for Richard. 35. Angel just left the room after checking on Doyle. He’s in the kitchen now. Can’t help investigating. 36. Uncle John is chanting and cutting his own hand. Angel just caught him doing so. The blood started a fire in a brass cup. Angel called Harry to get a translation of what Uncle John was chanting. Harry has to check the family library. 37. And now some of Richard’s family is attacking Angel. They’re beating him down pretty well. Wow, there’s a lot of those guys. They just defenestrated Angel. 38. And now it’s time for the ritual eating of the first husband’s brain. They put him in a box that kinda resembles Captain Pike’s wheelchair from the original Star Trek. 39. And now everyone’s all demony. The demons kinda look like Sith Purebloods. They gave him a local anesthetic, and now Richard’s got a plastic bib like you wear when you eat crawfish. 40. “Well, they’re certainly not going to eat your ex-husband’s brains.” 41. “Well, pardon me if our ancestors didn’t leave behind any former-husband-brain-eating forks.” 42. Wow, these people. 43. Angel is in a bad, bad mood. And is on his way inside to have a conversation with Richard’s family. 44. Yep. “Party’s over.” And there’s the shot of Angel kicking in the door from the opening sequence. 45. Now Doyle’s all demoned out, and has escaped the box. “Harry says I should mix with other demons, I’ll mix!” 46. Even with demon strength, Doyle’s not a great fighter. 47. Harry’s there! She stopped the fight. 48. And Cordy’s beating Doyle with a tray. She doesn’t know it was Doyle. 49. Harry just left Richard because Richard was going to eat Doyle’s brains. 50. “Who wants a wife whose knees only bend the one way.” 51. Cordy thinks Doyle is a nice guy. 52. Doyle is having a vision of Buffy in a fight in Sunnydale. Overall: Um? Definitely the weakest episode of the series so far. Not to say it wasn’t enjoyable - it was, moreso than I Fall to Pieces for sure, but just… dunno. It didn’t DO anything with its time. Story about a demon tribe with a weirdly violent custom, Doyle has a wife, but… eh? I don’t really know what to say about this one. It’s just not that interesting. Neither bad nor good, neither boring nor exciting, funny but only modestly so. It’s just an hour of TV.