#and the ending smh i just cant stay serious for 5 minutes can i

[sneezefiction]

let the past die, kill it if you have to

Fushiguro Megumi x Fem. Reader

desc: sparring with your boyfriend turns into an emotional unpacking of sorts.

a/n: okay but i promise it’s not ALL angst. i just can’t do that to myself, y’know? soft endings make me smile. also the title is a quote from star war’s kylo ren (there’s no correlation, i just couldn’t think of another name for this fic.) thanks for reading!

warnings: angst, mentions death, blood, anxiety, trauma

wc: 3.5k

---

“Is… is there really any point to this,” you pant. 

You’re hunched over with your hands on your knees, struggling to gasp in another breath. 

For such a pretty day, you hadn’t planned on spending it getting sweaty, much less sparring with someone. If you’d wanted to drip sweat and ruin your hair, you would have preferred to go for a jog or hit the gym… but you certainly hadn’t asked to sink your fists into your boyfriend’s hands.

Fushiguro adjusts the collar to his white button-down shirt and sighs, “I already told you, yes.”

There’s hardly a drop of sweat on him. 

If anything, he looks refreshed after an hour of gentle sparring. The only sign of physical exertion is a slight cherry-pink tint shown on his cheeks - even then, it could just be the product of a little too much sun on his pale skin. In comparison to the dark-haired boy’s youthful stamina, you feel like a feeble, old lady; maybe you should invest in a cane so that you look like one too. 

“But why now? You’ve never asked to teach me before.”

You don’t usually whine around Megumi - he’s too practical to take your complaints very seriously anyway - but today, you just can’t seem to help it. It’s a gripe that’s been sitting at the tip of your tongue all morning. 

For someone so reserved, he really had a way of working you to the bone. Why does he feel the need to drag you out to a random field to punch and kick and fall down when you likely couldn’t even outmaneuver a child? It’s counterintuitive and a big waste of your time. 

But he doesn’t seem to think so.

“I don’t want you to be defenseless.”

You stand back up, your lungs having finally recovered. 

“I wouldn’t call this defense. You’re literally just teaching me how to slug a guy in the face,” you say flatly while looking down to examine your hands.

“Don’t try to punch someone in the face, y/n. You’ll-”

“-break my fingers, yeah, I know. You already told me that…” you glance back up and roll your eyes. “Don’t take everything I say so literally.” A smile plays at your lips.

Fushiguro sighs in response. He wears his usual frustrated frown (which he maintains is just his resting face) and trudges toward you.

You eye him and swipe a bunched-up fist across your forehead before dropping it back to your side.

In a few short strides, he’s in front of you, blue eyes hooded and lips drawn into a firm line. He gives you a once over, probably measuring how well you’re holding up so far. You just hope that he’ll call it a day… but it’s not looking like that’s going to happen anytime soon.

He blinks. Then, without warning, Fushiguro reaches down and wraps a hand gently around your lowered wrist. He uses his other hand to conduct your upper arm so that it’s parallel to the ground. You let his warm hands guide your movements slowly and meticulously while he trains his eyes on your positioning. If you weren’t already acquainted with his inscrutable stares, you might’ve been battling a blush right now, but you’ve grown used to your boyfriend’s habits.

Although, for someone who’d just been blocking your kicks and tripping you up, Fushiguro is being awfully careful with you. His fingers, scarred and rough, are delicate on your skin. 

He steps back, eyes searching and sharp, and scans your body once again to find the next part in need of adjustment. He taps the top of your shoe with the sole of his own.

“Your feet need to be further apart.”

You comply, shifting your stance by a few inches. In doing so, your shoes crush lush, cool grass. 

You look down longingly.

The earth beneath your feet would be far more enjoyable without your shoes on. If you could just get him to drop this whole “training session” idea, maybe you could convince him to lay down on the verdant hill instead of fighting on it.

But he’s already interrupting your thoughts with more instructions.

“Keep your fists clenched but don’t tuck in your thumb,” he explains, “that’s gotta stay out or you could break it.”

Instead of letting you adjust your own hand, he’s already got a hand on yours, spreading your fingers individually. You let him. He’s acting a little peculiar today and it may be best to wait and see what’s up.

“Your arms and shoulders should be loose right up until you’re actually throwing a punch. Also, try to remember-” he gently pushes your upper arm back to your side, “-it’s the rotation of your hips that gives this kind of punch power.”

It’s like you’re about to enter a boxing ring with the way you’re standing right now. Feet spread, knees slightly bent, and fists held somewhere between your face and your chest.

You’re like a fish out of water. 

Sure, you’re not flopping and flailing around on the ground, but even if you are learning some moves, nothing about this so-called “training” feels natural. Tense is written in thick, black letters all over your expression. You weren’t exactly built for close combat… or physical fights in general. Mentally you could argue your way out of most situations, but you would really rather leave the ass-kicking to the actual Jujutsu sorcerers. 

“Punching a curse isn’t gonna do much damage y’know?” you chuckle.

It’s true. Unless you have cursed energy, you’re pretty much screwed if you try to fight one. Fushiguro’s eyes narrow - clearly, your comment isn’t very funny. At least, not to him.

“Well, I’m not really training you to fight curses. There’s a lot of other shitty people and things out there to worry about…”

“Right, but if you’re with me, I shouldn’t have to worry about that,” you say lightly, not thinking through the implications of your words.

But it’s not lost on Fushiguro.

It sounds like you’re assuming that he’ll always be around.

Not that he’s planning on dying anytime soon, but that’s just not something he can control. He’s seen strong allies and enemies die at their strongest. Just one second too slow, one vital movement missed, a single distraction... any of these things could cost him his life.

It’s obvious that this isn’t some fairytale world. 

You, of all people, should know that.

He stops puppeteering your arms into different postures. Instead of his usual bored expression, you note the furrow in his brows. Fushiguro’s eyes grow dark and something of a cloud, a murky shadow, hoods over him.

“And what if I’m not?” he murmurs.

You tilt your head, caught off-guard. What?

“I said what if I’m not with you,” his voice is noticeably louder.

You take a step back. In all your years of conversation, you’ve never once heard him say something like this. 

“Then what will you do?”

He takes a step toward you, eliminating the gap you’d just created.

The words cut through you. There’s friction in his tone; a battle between keeping his thoughts to himself and telling you what he’s been longing to say. Not that you’ve ever been able to tell what he’s thinking, but you know that there’s something lingering under the surface.

“I just…-” he tilts his head back and runs a stiffened hand through hair, letting it linger there, “-you’re important to me. I need to know that I at least tried to help you.”

You stand silent. Ah. He’d cut his thoughts short, but you think you’re finally catching on to what he’s referring to.

---

Bodies and blood, lifeless and scarlet, are scattered like confetti on the linoleum floors.

You’re bleeding and voiceless, legs having given out some time ago. Anyone who hadn’t already evacuated the school is as good as dead.

And with your back is pressed up against a cold locker, that only seems more true.

If you could hang your head any lower, you would – it weighs so heavily on your aching neck. You’re beaten down and exhausted with only enough energy to let out a whimper. Besides the chill of the metal on your back, a dull ringing in your ears is one of the only things confirming that you’re not quite gone yet. 

What kind of fifteen-year-old has to confirm that they’re not dead?

But that’s the position you’re in. Stuck in an ever-darkening building and dangling between here and the after-life… if there even is such a thing. With the hellish state you’re in, you may as well be facing divine judgement already.

Just how many gashes could a human body sustain? It hurts— no, it burns. A searing pain tears through your body, coursing from your chest, to your legs, down to the cuts on your shoeless feet. It’s only a matter of time before you’re rendered unconscious — a state that gets even more appealing as the minutes roll by one... by one... by one.

There’s a clang and a thud somewhere in the distance and your body braces in re-invigorated panic. You force your eyes shut, but the image of that.. that thing doesn’t fade. Its image only grows sharper and more realistic the more you try to ignore it.

Could you stand up and run if it came back? Was there something you could fight it with? Would it even matter if you tried? Survival seems improbable, if not impossible, at this point. 

I mean, look at your friends just down the hall. 

Most of them didn’t make it. Mangled, bruised, and broken, there are some kids whose faces you’d memorized that you probably couldn’t even recognize anymore. But you can’t bring yourself to mourn them. Terror has seized your body, constricting your movements and, apparently, your emotions too.

Your shirt is tattered at the edges and it clings to your clammy skin. Sweat trickles down your face and onto said shirt. It’s already drenched in red, so at least you don’t have to think too hard about gross sweat stains. You try to force a chuckle at that thought, but instantly regret the attempt. Instead of soft laughter you find yourself coughing and hacking and in a desperate search for oxygen.

Your eyes snap open when you realize how loud you’re being. The strangled noise travels through the cinderblock-lined hallway and eerily echoes back to you. You bring a weak hand to your mouth, cupping it to muffle the sound.

But it’s probably too late anyway. There’s no way that went unnoticed. 

And you’re right, because soon after, something that sounds like footsteps is headed in your direction.

Your blood, or the rest of it anyway, drains from your face and you clench your jaw. Those tears you couldn’t seem to cry for your friends are now spilling out in haste, broken and pleading. If these really are your last moments, you ought to be allowed to cry like a baby. At least no one is around to watch as you keel over in a mess of salty tears.

But of course, as the universe would have it, the thought of having no one around makes you cry harder. 

Because you really are alone right now. 

You’ll die alone just like everybody else.

Those footsteps grow closer. You make one last effort to stifle your sniffling and ragged breathing.

But something is off.

You turn your head, shaking and exhausted, toward the sound because somehow those steps sound… human. That, or you’re just hallucinating. You can’t trust any of your senses right now.

But it isn’t wishful thinking.

A man… no, a boy — likely one no older than yourself - turns the corner. His uniform is all black and his hair is hardly a shade lighter. This dark-haired boy scans the floor and studies the bodies until his focus lands on you. You lift your head. 

His heavy expression tells you that he’s well-acquainted with the situation at hand.

You blink in a silent plea for help. If you tried to open your mouth, words wouldn’t come out. Your lips are dry and your thoughts are too jumbled to produce any coherent sounds.

He approaches, relief spreading through you like a wildfire in a dry field.

Without a word, he’s at your side. A hand cups behind your head, tilting you out of your slumped position.

And he’s scooping you up. 

You wince instinctively, but you can’t feel much of anything anymore; your body is too numb to use its senses.

Going limp, you surrender yourself to his grip.

With heavy eyes, your lids droop. You’d fought darkness long and hard, holding out hope for a savior. But before you succumb to the sweet lure of sleep, you do notice a few things. 

For someone who’s almost your size, he’s quite strong — you’re tucked neatly and cautiously into his chest. He’s warm. You feel a fraction safer.

He hardly takes his eyes off of you. As if his gaze were your only life source, they flicker back to you every few moments. You’re sure he must be scared too, but at least he seems to know what he’s doing. 

And you also notice that he’s speaking softly to you. Short sentences. The words are awkward and slow, as though he’s not used to the concept of comfort (just like most other fifteen-year-old boys.) You’re not complaining though. You can hardly make out what his voice sounds like as your hearing fades in and out…

But you do catch his name. Fushiguro Megumi.

He’s warm. Tense. Quiet.

And he’s trying desperately to get you out of this undeserved hell.

---

At the time, you’d never seen anything like a curse before.

So it used to haunt you, the memories of your lifeless friends and the reality of these monsters. You’ve re-lived that day countless times. Nightmares, racing heartbeats, collapsing to the floor in a cold sweat at the sight of a looming shadow. Leaving things in the past wasn’t something you grew up doing nor was it something you could readily implement into your life.

But for Fushiguro? It’s a part of his job description, to move on and forget. 

That mindset, though seemingly heartless and inhuman, keeps people like Fushiguro safe and sane. If you’re too invested in the people you’re trying to save, if you get too close to other students, teachers, or citizens, you’re setting yourself up to be shattered like glass.

Besides you, most other people have slipped through his fingers like grains of sand. He’s able to leave those people, their faces and their last words, in the past.

But maybe he can’t leave everything in the past. Bloodstains and blurry vision mar your first encounter with him… but he’s never left you behind or forgotten about you.

Fushiguro actually took to you after that incident. 

He doesn’t look like someone who would care much. There’s a coldness to his demeanor and almost always an impassive look on his face. Even the jaggedness of his hair could be seen as a measure to ward off any unwanted interactions. Fushiguro isn’t what you would call soft or sweet or even remotely sensitive.

However, he showed up for you.

He was there at the end of the day to walk you home from your new school; after all, your old school was practically decimated after the curses revealed themselves. Fushiguro took you to parks and quiet spaces to let you voice your fears - to sort through and cry over the hell that you had somehow lived through. 

Even now, Fushiguro has strange reasons for why he sticks around you. Absurd grounds for why he chooses to be in a relationship, of all things, with you. Fushiguro is calculating and reasonable - dating someone under these circumstances is illogical at best and feels almost opposite to his character… but, at the same time, being with him makes sense. 

He was - is - the only person who understands what it is that you saw that day. 

No counselor or psychiatrist could’ve come close to comprehending what it was that you’d witnessed. No trauma quite relates to that of seeing many of your friends, teachers, and bullies torn to shreds in a single day. No one else could have believably set a hand on your shoulder and said, “I understand what you’re going through.”

Thus, you attribute much of your healing to him… and you like to think that you’re a steady and calming factor in his life. Because now you understand just a fraction of what he goes through daily.

But it’s been four years. Have you really become so important to him that old and faded memories have come back to haunt him? You’ve since distanced yourself from that day, but had he? 

“-you’re important to me. I need to know that I at least tried to help you.”

So maybe you’d spoken too lightly… but it’s starting to sound like he’s anticipating an unforeseeable death date. You’ve already dealt with enough heavy things to last you a lifetime and you’re not about to entertain this gloomy conversation as though it were some sort of cutesy, Tuesday-afternoon banter.

“Are you already planning for my demise, Megumi?” 

He frowns and drops his hand from his hair, “I- What? No-“

“Do you have some other technique that I don’t know about? Can you see my future?” You press.

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that I know you’re anxious.”

Fushiguro opens his mouth, but you’re right. He shuts up.

You smile softly; comforting others may not be his forte, but you’re pretty different from the blue-eyed boy. In slow, steady motions, you step towards him.

Glancing down at his long, slender fingers, you reach toward them and grasp both tenderly. And as you bring them upward, you pull them ever-so-gently toward your chest. You move your hands to his wrists. He opens his palms and you press them both lightly to the upper part of your sternum. They rest just firmly enough that, if he isn’t too distracted by other much softer anatomy, he can feel your heartbeat.

Your eyes, previously trained on his hands, now look to his face. Fushiguro seems a little pinker, but his eyebrows are no longer painfully pinched together. You appear to have successfully diverted his attention.

“I need you to listen to me...” you speak softly, hoping to keep his focus solely on you.

“You’re not responsible for what happens to me when I’m alone. Or even when I’m with you.”

The words float like a feather through the air, though they’re anything but light. Maybe you should’ve said this long ago. You never once believed that it was his job to care for you. And if you’re being completely honest, you never once thought he’d even felt obligated to protect you.

With the reality you’re both living in, it would be wrong to place that kind of responsibility onto another person. No, it would be cruel to do such a thing.

“How can you say that?” Fear in the form of irritation curves his voice.

“Megumi, I’m well aware that we live in a dangerous world,” you begin, clasping his wrists tighter, “but I’m going to be okay. And so are you.”

Fushiguro’s mouth gapes slightly. You wish you could say that this look of disbelief was priceless. These expressions are few and far between, so you try to savor them when Fushiguro reveals them. But, with just a glance, you feel something inside of you crack.

The closer you’ve gotten to him, the more precious you’ve become. That, in itself, might be a curse.

“I know you don’t believe me… and it is a little unrealistic…”

(You refuse to say “impossible.” It’s such a hopeless way of framing your situation.)

You remove his hands from your chest and instead wrap your arms around his back, pulling yourself into his chest. It’s way too warm outside for a hug, but you’re pretty sure he could use one even if he would never admit to it.

And you’re right — there’s a lithe hand threading through the roots of your hair. The touch tickles and soon you feel a weight on the crown of your head. Fushiguro’s chin rests gently there.

“But we’ll be fine,” you promise.

Even if you’re lying through your teeth, you can’t stop yourself from saying it. Of course you don’t know if you’ll be okay. 

Nobody does.

But what’s the point of anything if you can’t hope for the best? 

“And,” you sigh reluctantly, pulling away from his chest, “if it’ll make you feel better…”

You make a face at him to lighten the mood, “I’ll learn how to kick someone’s ass.”

Without another word, you’re pulled back into his hold, this time much tighter. It’s almost uncomfortable, but you can’t keep a small, somber smile off of your lips. You’ll both have to be okay.

But whatever happens, happens. If one of you dies, you want the other be able to leave the past behind. Resting on something with such blatant finality would only serve to tear the lone survivor apart.

So you choose not to rest on this conversation anymore.

Anyway, there are only a couple of truly important things you’re thinking about right now.

You’re thinking about that boy from all those years ago. 

The one who carried you out of those blood-drenched hallways. The one who whispered to you, just so that you could hear someone’s voice. The one who walked you home from school because you couldn’t do it alone anymore. The one person who really understands.

And you’re also thinking about how much he’s gonna hate it when he realizes that most of your sweat just soaked into his shirt.

[natsspammityspamspamham]

Dino Rant (Nov 27 + Other Side Tales)

My siblings are currently mad at me. Here’s what went down. Tagging: @akaskira​ @ce-la​ @caratheillustrious​ Who are all practically my spiritual online older sister/sage advice givers and @lizard-in-the-rain​ who can be an idiot along with me.

For context:  Ate = Sister Kuya = Brother * My dad and I have a rocky past because he’s very old-fashioned, hasn’t been always supportive about my mental health, and is really old and out of date (especially about LGBTQ, feminism, HK protests, etc.) * My sister also has a rocky past with me but has since calmed down a little thanks to old age (she’s 23) * My brother is constantly busy with school (and stressed), is still mourning his breakup after a few months which continues to salt his wounds (not because his ex is crappy but she’s really nice. He’s having a bit of trouble still.), and is a very sensitive person (more sensitive than my sister)

Further in, you can see what happened at the orchestra concert on Saturday. For context, you can check out a previous rant.

Me: Dad got some bad oil burns. I was in the family room as he was yelling “[MOM NAME x 3] WHAT DO I DO WITH OIL BURNS?” Mom was upstairs and didn’t hear They are kinda big He’s upset

Ate: What the why didn't you help him call mom???? did you??? yike oil burns are no joke bc they hurt for longer bc water just steams away but oil sticks and keeps burning and the scars are worse

Me: Uh... I was scrolling on tumblr? I don’t know. I thought he already put ice.

Ate: smh

Me: But looking back, I heard the water running for less than a minute.

Ate: LOL

Me: And never heard the freezer open

Ate: water won't help unless you use soap anyways

Me: So I thought he did that but he was really just yelling for mom He didn’t even ice it. He said he ran some water over it.

Ate: make sure you help if someone yells for help next time even if you think it's handled bc if a person is panicking/in pain they're likely not thinking straight to help themselves speaking from experience

Me: Mom tried to give him advice now and he just walked away going “uh huh”

Ate: even I know to put my hand under cold running water and ice it but I've definitely not done that when I've burnt myself before I would be pretty choked too if there were 2 other people in the house and neither of them came to help me when I got oil burns

Me: Mom was upstairs and couldn’t hear. I thought he was crying wolf as usual.He yells for mom around three times on a daily basis

Ate: fair but fr next time take the 5 seconds to check bc sometimes bad things happenesp if all you hear is a thud

Me: “[Mom Name x 3 again] I CANT FIND THE [blank]!!!” Mom: it’s been in the same spot for over a decade. Look with your eyes.

Me: Mom does that once every other day (has a big thud) usually because something broke. When I heard the yell this time, I thought it was because he knocked something over. Dad is always yelling He even asked mom how to make the rice And didn’t make it because she didn’t answer fast enough Dad is a drama queen. That’s where we all get it from.

Ate: I mean

Kuya: Tf is this situation How can you ignore someone in need of help Regardless of who it is Doesn't it hurt to see someone suffering

Me: I didn’t see anything

Kuya: Unless you hold extreme animosity Like they killed your mom or something I have to hand something in by 10 But I find this quite upsetting

Me: I didn’t see anything, and the last thing he yelled was an oil burn, and the only advice I had was water and ice which I thought he already did.

Me (in response to animosity): Not extreme, but living with him with only me as the child has screwed a lot of things up.It has taken a toll on my sympathy for people (or whatever is left)

Ate: Same but he's still our dad?

Me: Eh, I honestly thought it was a small thing until I saw it.

Ate: I have only shreds of respect for him left but idk if I would go as far as to just overlook "oil burn" and figure "oh, I can't help so I'll ignore him" like that's a lil funny

Me: Again, when someone is constantly yelling, there’s a point where you don’t listen fully to what they’re saying. It only registered later that his burns might actually be serious and more than putting your fingertip on a hot pan. I also have little sympathy due to how he’s treated me during my past situations so honestly, I’ve little tolerance.

Afterwards, my mom called my sister who was absolutely hysterical and screaming on the other line to the point where my mom had to pull the phone away from her ear.

________________

Some Stupid Orchestra Stories:

Things I have said to my orchestra cohorts that might’ve scared them:

*sees me bump my instrument* Trumpet: Ouch Me (walking away): Snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, and dead men tell no tales. Doug: What?

*sees me bump my bow* Doug: Ouch Me (tired because I was just excluded from the conversation today because no one would listen to what I had to say): I’m going to stab you Doug: Pat, protect me!

Me: *tells anything about school* Everyone: MAJOR CONCERN (Examples: Kid said that this guy could have sex with his friend before she turned 21 by slipping a drug into her drink, kid saying he was going to hit a girl with a metal bar from the desk, kids smoking out back, kids make noise downstairs which causes the room I work in to shake, kids throwing stuff out car windows, kids brawling, my science teacher from regular school failing me for practically no reason)

More of an annoying incident from me: Hannah: Who’re you messaging? Your girlfriend? Sean: Yeah Me: YOU’RE STILL TOGETHER?! Sean: (sheepishly) yeah

To be fair, I get weirded out whenever they flash their privilege as semi-well off rich kids.  “Remember those special trips you get to take with your school to learn more about science? // Remember those international trips you take with your school club?” Me: ...no?! I’m not poor, I just dropped out of school before I could even go to my nearest McDonalds for a field trip.

But Doug is a little dumb sometimes. He doesn’t get my sense of humour (understandable), but he’s a little ignorant towards not-privileged people. 

He literally said he goes to sleep at 9:30pm, got into university (this is a semi-prestigious one) first try with 90s in all of his classes (at least), has a girlfriend, has friends, and doesn’t understand why anyone would stay later than that unless they had poor time management. His words, not mine. My brother stays there until around 12am studying. He was not happy to hear that. Doug is first year so my siblings are making fun of him saying he will perish in a year’s time. My parents saw him stealing kisses from his girlfriend in a parking lot during the day of our last concert. I seriously though the girl in his profile picture was his sister and not his girlfriend because they were both seriously white. Whiter than a bowl of milk I tell you.

He also doesn’t know what a period app would be for. I was a little annoyed. My brother knows about this well enough because we all know my sister and mom would not let anyone in this family live if they did not know the ins-and-outs of a period. Doug was like, “Why would you need to track that?” I responded, “Because they’re irregular.” He looked a little puzzled and I said, “Douglas, you’re a science major. There’s sex ed in school.” He responded that he is going into research (not sure what that has to do with menstrual ignorance) and never paid attention during sex ed (since it’s never for marks). I then got a little more pushy and said, “Well, if you ever want a girlfriend, maybe you should learn.” To which he said, “I have a girlfriend”. To which I gave him a look of:

Stories from the orchestra concert:

I did tell the bass instructor about this so maybe it’ll get sorted out but I did this “tell the teacher” thing twice where it backfired terribly. Let’s hope university kids are a little more grown up.

My messages from that night: Pat told me it was cute when I played in the wrong spots. It was genuine like she said it was cute. But it was like ??? I was having a panic attack. My brain left my body. I don’t want to play anymore. Then she put up her bow to make sure I wouldn’t flip the page Then she hit her bow on her bass. I really don’t want to play anymore. (She also repeated the same thing twice knowing from a previous talk that I have bad anxiety. She has anxiety as well.)

Me: Then Hannah and Patricia were commenting on my shoes. I like wearing my orthotics. They make my feet feel not in pain. Ate: tell them that Me: I did They told me to take off my shoes “They can’t even see my feet” I’m all the way in the back behind people “Then take off your shoes” “But then I’ll be in pain” “But you sit” (I have one foot on the ground) “So take them off. It’s for dress code. People can see you” Ate:  but it's literally a medical thing Tell them to actually fuck off hoh my god it's like asking a blind person to put their stick away bc people will trip on it or that you can't have your service dog with you like????

[xz017]

.

oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well�� kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

[blackgirlcouch]

Into the Badlands Season 2 Episode 3 Red Sun, Silver Moon

I loved this episode! Every week it just keeps getting better and better and I was pretty sold the first season. I love the choreography of the fights and watching Daniel Wu whoop ass is my new aesthetic. And he looked ridiculously handsome this whole episode. Even that thing on his face didn't repel me. I'm other words, he owned my ass this episode. Nick Frost is also surprising me on this show. I really feared they'd over do it but Sunny and he work. It gives Sunny someone to bounce his wit off of. Someone he can talk to. You know, a thin version of a friend and I hope the friendship stays genuine cause I like it. Nick Frost throwing that sword and his quip about hell yeah we're taking the sword were hilarious. I take back everything I said about Quinn possibly being Veils daddy. That man is certifiably crazy as hell. Like batshit brilliant too. What he did to...the runaway...was done serious Stockholm shit. I mean that boy went from wanting to escape him to willing to kill and catch bullets for his Baron and it took the man 5 minutes. Nuts or not you gotta give him his props. There's sanity in his insanity. His fascination with Henry and Veil is soooo intriguingly creepy?? I know I should just be like ew ew, but I want to know wtf is his plans regarding them. They have this slightly uneasy alliance in which she is both his prisoner and guest. Yes basically claimed them both particularly Henry as his heir. Despite all cordial exchanges he admits to knowing that Veil still regards him unfavorably and yet he is going out of his way to praise her or just stare at her in this way I can't fully describe. It's not lust per se since he is always staring at her face. Someone give me their opinions on this. Well obviously Quinn or someone is going to find out shes lying about Quinn getting better. What the hell is she giving him to drink? I think she isn't trying to kill him. I think she is treating his symptoms and possibly a type of opiate. I say she osnt trying to kill him because she would never have saved him if that was her goal. I just can't see her breaking her Hippocratic oath. She treated the woman trying to kill Sunny! Quinn is so sly and much more rational than I imagined I wonder if he already suspects something and sent that guy in there to distract her. Anywho looks like she found an exit strategy and plans to flee but all just KNOW it will fail. Seeing how he dealt with the colt I don't think once she's recaptured he'll kill her. He knows she's biding her time. That there is no loyalty or trust between them but he is offering it and once he doesn't kill her he will once again try to manipulate her by his side. Nathaniel was amazing. I love watching different physiques fight. That bridge scene!!!! Even Bajie got a kill and I loved the three different fighting styles in one scene. All of Sunny and Nathaniels conversations were exciting to watch. The sword to sword have me chills. And the end fight had me bouncing on my sofa. So damn good. I appreciate Sunny putting his foot down and saying NO. He knows what the predictable outcome is and he's determined to break the mode. " Tell her I love her" I seriously need some flashbacks since its gone be a minute before they get to the Badlands. Waldo got plans for days. I dont know what those plans may be but he's definitely holding some cards. I like how he called the Widow out. She didn't start off wanting to free the new world and that power corrupts. I was surprised she offered him Regent and he declined. Takes the sails out of him trying to take Tildas place. That song he was playing was beautiful and I want to know more of his story because whatever it is it's a doozy. Probably would explain his current motivations. You just know Tilda is not going to follow orders. There may be a lesson there for her that Waldo is trying to teach that she will learn by the end of the season. If she is to be Regent and that's what she really wants which is clear she really does then she has to stop the disrespect even if its for good reasons which I'm sure will be her excuse. That she saved Mother. Smh she's kinda sorta annoying me. Which brings me to my one grievance of this show; M.K. I am really trying to forgive his willfullness but it is getting on my last nerve! This boy never has any chill. And he just thinks he can do whatever the fuck cause Im a bit of an pissy brat. Lol. I'm sorry but its true. The Master has already forgiven him for intruding before. She keeps telling him that this is not going to be a short stay. Get comfortable. And he's rolling his eyes and pursing his lip in puesdo tantrum mode. He did this twice this episode. Twice. When blond chick who's name I can't remember denied him I could practically hear him stomping his feet. Damn dude. And why does no one guarding these kids? They sneaking out left and right. And speaking of, why is M.K always sweating? When he called the Master a liar I'm like, ok he needs punishment and I hope they do the same thing to him that he did to the runaway. She's trying to protect you fool and ease you into the fact that you probably killed your mother. And he takes no responsibility for the people he murdered with this weapon inside him which is infuriating. If for no other reason he should at least TRY to understand the logistics here. He is the weakest link of the entire series. Don't get me wrong I like the storyline I just feeling blah on the character and his acting choices. If he read the lines differently he wouldn't come off as petulant. I still give this episode a 10/10. I immediately wanted to go back and watch it again. Cant wait for Sunday.