#and the craziest thing is that this is because I’m treating my eating disorder

[wyn-n-tonic]

Tw weight but actively noticing the ways in which people are beginning to treat me better as I lose weight is crazy and disheartening. Like why wasn’t I worth kindness twenty pounds ago? Will the kindness be better in another twenty pounds. Anyway Go Birds.

[symmrtry]

TW ED/ Per weight convo: harm reduction is multi faceted. In the choice between “lose weight” or “don’t lose weight” I would like to pose this for you to consider: what stress/pain is easier to tolerate or compartmentalize? I was 200+lbs for many years with an eating disorder (not a binge eating disorder which may be surprising) and I found myself in a similar predicament- I needed to either be okay with being fat or fight it. At that point in my life I found it was easier/more holistic on my mental health to try to learn to be ok with being fat. My intuition knew that the way society interfaces fat people is not too dissimilar from any other marginalized or “less savory” group of people- you mentioned skinny people may actually just be better people but would you make that argument around racism? That because white people get treated better black people and other POC may actually just be worse people? I’m hoping you don’t/wouldn’t feel that way, but if you do agree with the latter statement then maybe addressing your beliefs is the first step before making any changes. Internalized fat phobia is as real as internalized racism, misogyny, etc. Long story longer, I focused on changing my brain. I actively rejected the opinions of people that were anything less than loving and supportive and. As exhausting as it was, I began laying the ground work for not needing external validation. My brain said I couldn’t wear something because I was fat? I wore it anyway. I actively stared at myself in the mirror and said only nice things, when a hurtful thing came out of my mouth I would correct myself out loud to myself and apologize. I only followed HAPPY and shameless fat people on social media, I unfollowed anybody that triggered my desire to be skinny. I went to the Emily Program and got lots of therapy too. I focused on making my internal brain space the safest and most loving place so that when the inevitable bullshit of people came knocking at the door, I didn’t automatically believe them. This is HARD work (and a continuous practice!) but it’s also so rewarding because not only do other people’s opinions stop mattering but the self’s opinion of self improves and matters the most. The craziest thing is I lost weight naturally over this process. I started eating more intuitively, I found ways to enjoy working out my body (Yoga with Adrienne is free on YOUTUBE and she’s amazing!) and in general all my focus was on feeling peace and loving myself- REGARDLESS OF HOW MY BODY LOOKED. the more those practices were practiced and took root the more my body seemed to settle into itself. I’m by no means skinny now, and honestly I LOVE the extra pudge on the bottom of my belly or under my arms, they make me soft like a cuddly bunny, nor is the moral of the story to love yourself so you can lose weight, but the point is there is roots to this struggle and pain: the shame, the insecurity, taking on other peoples opinions, eugenics based trauma (fat phobia impetus in many ways, along with racism) maladaptive coping skills, lack of boundaries, lack of discipline, etc. I also learned so much about the American food system- are you American? There are so many Americans that go abroad and eat more and STILL LOSE WEIGHT while traveling. Our processed food in the states is not our ally.

The point is do the thing that feels like it would empower you: would taking on a weight loss journey be more empowering for you or would detaching from societal paradigms be more empowering? Can you blend the two together and get creative to better support yourself- hell maybe exposure therapy and get fatter? There is no right answer, I would meditate and journal on this for yourself and trust your heart and soul- are you a spiritual person? While I say fuck the church, don’t abandon God if that would be a helpful addition to your self care. what you deserve is to have your own brain on your team. You’re brilliant and more than good enough whether you’re obese or underweight. You’re a blessing. Don’t let yourself be brainwashed further you can fight back and you can find peace and love with your body/ yourself. And only subconsciously or consciously insecure people ever say less than supportive of loving things. If you have loved ones saying things like you shouldn’t wear certain types of clothes, consider setting boundaries or even cutting these people out if they can’t speak kindly. Criticism has a time and a place but good criticism also understands that it is SUBJECTIVE and it sounds like you’re surrounded by a bunch of judgmental dinguses!! I understand how this can make it harder to be kind to yourself but then RUN! Save yourself! Protect yourself! Love yourself! Your body is doing it’s best and it needs your love compassion and support to do or be better. Kicking a misbehaving dog is just abuse. I love you, there is nothing for you to be ashamed about you are a gift you just are in the process of learning to see that and value that in yourself <3

this is very sweet i appreciate u. i more meant that skinny people are treated better and such so its more desirable to be skinny. but most ppl can change how much they weigh, no one can really change their skin color. so no i dont think poc are “worse”, nor are fat ppl. being prejudice is of course bad. everyone is worthy

i just think that actually changing my body might bring me more joy in the long run. but its a mix of it all. the physical and the mental. maybe plastic surgery too? #loveyouself

[bnha-mha-imagines]

Okay, get this: a new lov member who’s really awkward and shy. Everyone thinks she’s just a normal gal but it turns out she’s absolutely out of her mind? /sigh/ I don’t even know anymore 😔 rip. I’m so bad at requesting it should be my new party trick. Anyways, I hope you have a good day and I love your writing!!

Ahh thank you! :) I’m not sure if you wanted this to be cute or disturbing so I went with the latter because nothing I’ve posted so far is dark themed (all my stuff is like, fluff haha)! :0 Let’s get some well rounded writing up in here! 

New LOV member who’s secretly insane

Warnings: DARK THEMES that include but are not limited to: Blood, dead animals, disturbing images, cannibalism, death, hearing voices, sadism/masochism, violence, mentions of self-harm etc. etc. You get the picture. 

^^^Don’t read if you’re sensitive to similar topics. I went ham on this, yall. 

Disclaimer: The reader depicted in this is chronically insane and is an extreme case. This is in no way a depiction of a person with a mental disorder. I don’t want to spread any misinformation, most people with mental disorders are lovely people and are not crazy/dangerous in anyway

Under the cut vvv

Tomura Shigaraki:

Look, he wasn’t a fan of the whole awkward-shy act, but hey, you were pretty hot and you had a quirk that the League definitely needed

So he let you in, figuring he’d just need to have that timid attitude of yours whipped out of you

But OH. It didn’t take long for him to realize you were completely bonkers. 

Dabi was giving you shit like he did everyone, and all it took was a poor comment on his part for your usually pleasant expression to contort into one of malice and...joy? The way your face darkened and your eyes swirled with an unhinged gleam… 

Maybe you’d be more interesting than he initially thought~ plus, seeing you threaten Dabi was definitely some brownie points in Tomura’s book

At times it gets frustrating because you can get out of hand, and he honestly couldn’t even handle the League WITHOUT another crazy added in the mix

But you were powerful and an important addition to the team, so you were stuck with this sorry lot whether you liked it or not

Kurogiri:

He was a little surprised, but pleasantly so, when Tomura recruited you for the League. You were actually...rather normal compared to the rest of the bunch, but he was far from complaining!

You were also modest and well-mannered, and Kurogiri especially admired that. The rest of the League was full of squabbling hotheads, so you were a breath of fresh air!

At the bar, he’d talk a lot with you seeing as you were one of the calmer villains, but overtime he noticed that certain comments would raise a few red flags. 

One day you bring in the mangled body of a cat and...oh. 

The way you casually set it on the bar counter and grin at Kurogiri happily while you ask for a kiddy cocktail… all the while your hands were still soaked in its blood.

Tomura’s decision made a bit more sense now. You were completely off your rocker! He treats you pretty much the same as before, but is usually the one who has to reel you in when you start to show your crazy too much. 

Dabi:

When you first joined the League, he couldn’t believe it. Was Tomura fucking stupid? How could a shy, pretty thing like you possibly fit in with the baddest villain organization?

Needless to say, he was kind of an asshole to you. He’d make rude comments, blatantly say you didn’t belong here, condescendingly give you names like “princess” 

For the most part you would bear it all with a grin, and though he didn’t exactly understand you reaction, he would scoff and roll his eyes. “Weirdo”

One day he happens to strike a particularly strong chord with you, and suddenly you’ve shoved him against a wall, hands wrapped around his throat

You choking him wasn’t what off put him. It was the demented look in your eyes and the lopsided grin overwhelming your face. You were practically begging him to insult you again.

“It feels soooo good when you call me names!” you giggle, fingers squeezing into his neck. “Maybe you can choke me next?!” Your eyes were excited at the sadistic thought. 

He shoves you off rather easily after he gets over his initial surprise, rubbing his neck. “Crazy bitch…”

The fact that he didn’t ignite your crazy ass on the spot means you’d gained his respect, if in the slightest. Clearly you’re a better fit to be a villain than he thought. He still picks on you, but significantly less.

Himiko Toga:

She was excited to have another girl! She flocked straight to you and grabbed your sleeve right away!

“Aiiya! You’re so cute, look at you!” She poked your cheeks and you got a little flustered under the attention. She thinks you’re so shy and adorable!!!!

She makes it her mission to become your bestest best friend! But she can’t help but get a little excited from time to time.

“(Y/n), you’re too cute! Please, can I cut you up!? Just a few slices here and there! You’d look ten times cuter if I do!” And she’s grinning.

Her grin completely falters, however, when you agree. “W-What?” she didn’t expect it at all! She was used to getting brushed off.

But no...the crazed look in your eye at the mention of spilled blood… you were practically dripping with insanity. 

Kurogiri stopped the both of you before you both had the chance to completely slice each other up, but from that moment on your were pretty much conjoined at the hip.

Crazy cuties flock together

Spinner:

When a cute, shy thing like yourself joined the League, he was a total flustered mess! You were absolutely adorable!

Like Kurogiri, you were a breath of fresh air, a nice change of pace to the usually colorful bunch that he got to hang around with.

You were nice to him, and he always gets embarrassed when you compliment him! So naturally he assumes that you’re the sweetheart of the bunch! 

You’re talking, and finally Spinner outright asks you, “How’d you even get roped into villainy?” because it blows his mind such a normie like you are in the League

And, very casually and chipper, you describe how you murdered your family in cold blood. They hadn’t even done anything to upset you. You just wanted to. 

“O-Oh.” He honestly didn’t know what to say...but he didn’t really get a chance to speak as you suddenly pull a necklace out from under your shirt. It was a strange looking thing, a shriveled black lump on a string. 

“Look! I even carry a piece of them around with me!” His eyes widen, and you just giggle and tuck the petrified piece of corpse jewelry back into your shirt. 

Twice:

Needless to say, Twice had some mixed feelings about you when you first joined the League.

“What the hell is such a prude bitch doing in the League?” “Aww how cute! Finally a fresh face! Happy to meet you!” 

He’s honestly probably the first to realize you’re absolutely batshit because he’s always half doubting your sincerity

Let’s just say he isn’t surprised when you’re on a mission and you start gnawing and eating at a fresh corpse on the ground

“Wow, that’s fucking bad ass” “Ew!!! That’s disgusting, what the fuck!” 

And hearing his voices go back and forth, you just look up, blood smeared across your face, a strange gleam in your eye and you grin!

“Hahaha! Twice, you always say the funniest things!!!”

After the mission he tries to avoid you as much as he can. Though your quirk and tenacity was something the League definitely benefited from, that didn’t mean he wanted to be anywhere near you after the shit he saw that night

You were fucking wild

Mr. Compress

After Shigaraki let you into the League, he was pretty interested in you. You seemed pretty average and you acted like a timid civilian, so what kind of quirk did you have? Surely something must have caught Tomura’s eye that he wasn’t seeing.

So he, being the man of charisma and mystery that he was, made it his secret motive to find out what you were hiding. 

He took it upon himself to show you around the hideout as your own personal guide. Not that you were complaining! Compress is so flashy and entertaining that you were actually enjoying your time with him.

Not gonna lie, he was acting a little too charming and over-confident with you, trying to get you to slip up and spill a secret

And spill you did! Though not intentionally. It sort of all happened at once. Compress was moving ahead of you and all of a sudden he was thrown back against the wall.

He hits it with a grunt and slides down to the floor, looking up at you with a stunned expression. What the fuck did he do to merit that?!

But you weren’t even looking at him. No, you were whispering under your breath, staring at the ceiling and grinning like a madman. 

“You’re right! That was fun!” you spoke to the empty room, pausing a moment before letting out a loud, crazy laugh. “You always were good at jokes!” 

Slowly he rose and moved away from the room where you stood conversing with your imaginary voices. 

Telekinesis was a pretty powerful quirk! Though it seemed your perks also came with some hefty flaws… very interesting!

Magne: 

Magne was so excited to have another girl in the League! She loved Toga, of course, but at times Magne found her to be a bit...much 

So when you first arrived, seemingly normal, she was so ecstatic! She wanted to do all sorts of girl things with you that she couldn’t really do often in the boy-dominated League

You were so cute and timid, she couldn’t help but want to have a girl’s sleepover with you and Toga!

Your true colors started to show, however, during the middle of a truth or dare game. Magne had asked you what your favorite crime to commit was, expecting something calmer like robbery or identity theft 

Color her surprised when your face contorts into the craziest, most terrifying look as you narrate a violent murder and proceed to grab a pillow and rip it to shreds with your hands as a ‘demonstration’. 

Cute AND violently psycho. She can roll with that.

[mssapphire]

The personal is political, and the political is personal

One of the reasons why Choice Feminism (which is the bases for current Pop Feminism) is so persistent, is because it is so difficult to understand how the political and the personal coexist.

Choice Feminism will tell you that any choice a woman makes is a feminist choice, and an empowering one, just by sake of being a woman’s choice. The problem with that, as we see in today’s culture, is that it allows space for internalized misogyny to be washed clean and legitimized. Most importantly, it keeps us from actually looking at and pointing at the power structures at play - and we end up falling deeper into patriarchy’s clutch, all the while thinking we are breaking free.

But the real question we need to ask is: why do we feel the need to do that? why don’t we, when faced with arguments that point towards our own harmful behavior just stop? why do we insist in perpetuating oppression towards ourselves and others? 

Because it’s not that easy. The cliché answer is to say: because we live in a society - but that doesn’t really explain away why we fall into this dynamic.

And I think the reason why is deeply personal and emotional. It’s because facing ourselves with our own (self)harmful behavior is, simply put, painful and uncomfortable. So we immediately get defensive. We immediately try to justify it. We quickly jump to say: ‘my life, my choice!’ and leave it at that.

Because we also like to think that we’re deeply rational beings. But we’re not. We’re emotional - we just don’t want to admit our contradictions and we want to save face and find a way to make it right through our words, just so we don’t have to acknowledge to ourselves that we, in all our human imperfection, are, and will continue to be, some way or another, problematic. And we end up justifying the craziest shit.

Let me explain with a personal example.

I have studied Feminism actively for about a decade. I understand the patriarchal structures of power. I understand why the objectification of women is oppressive. I understand why the beauty industry creates and preys on women’s insecurities and operates under the patriarchal values that a woman’s job is to be beautiful - and a woman who isn’t, is somehow ‘less than’. I understand our cultural constructions of taste and how we have a rigid knowledge of what is beautiful and what isn’t, and how that is harshly applied to women.

But at the same time, I have struggled with my self-image and my self-esteem. I have struggled with weight and eating disorders, and I still battle excoriation - which coexists with having very sensitive skin which flares up over the slightest change in conditions. And I know that, beyond this compulsion, women tend to suffer from anxiety a lot more than men, and also struggle a lot more with body image because of the context we live in, which places female beauty at an impossible standard.

Understanding the power dynamics at play has been something that has helped me immensely in my healing. It has allowed me to say to myself: my body is mine, and it doesn’t belong to the Patriarchy, and I’m allowed to be and exist even if I’m not a perfect beauty and I am also worthy of love beyond how desirable I am. And I think internalizing this is profoundly important and empowering to everyone (and it’s all of us) who has to struggle with this anxiety of having to perform femininity under the threat of having our entire existence questioned.

But, at the same time, I can’t help to feel soothed, content, and even happy, when my skin is clear. When I try my clothes on and they still fit me fine. When I decide to go out and then do my hair and put some make up on, and think I look nice when I look in the mirror.

And these two are not incompatible. Understanding why we do things is the real work we have to do. I understand that putting on make up is not particularly feminist, and I know that it is playing to patriarchal standards. But beating myself up over being a ‘Bad Feminist” wouldn’t do me any good. It wouldn’t do anyone any good. But making ridiculous leaps of logic as to explain why that is empowering and not playing under Patriarchal rules would be a disservice to women everywhere too.

We don’t exist in a vacuum. The way we perpetuate or change values is through inheritance - you learn what you see and what you grow up with. You can unlearn a lot, but not everything. You can’t change your visceral feelings just because you understand things logically (ask anyone who’s gone through trauma and is having a panic attack). Internalizing that learning process is a life long process.

And yes, we will catch ourselves doing things that are not holier than thou and problem free. And that’s ok... as long as we catch ourselves doing it and require ourselves to do just a little bit better next time. Because, here’s the trap: the minute we convince ourselves that we are non-oppressive (and this includes internalized oppression), we start missing the ways that we are and we miss the opportunities to learn and grow.

This also applies to our behaviors with others. I have been thinking about writing about the use of the word ‘toxic’ (edit: here it is), and also about how we can be nice people and still be assholes. I haven’t decided if I’ll write the posts separately or together. 

Instead of having that knee jerk reaction and saying: but I’m a Feminist! but I’m not racist! I’m not transphobic! I’m not homophobic! etc, etc., we need to stop for a moment and think.

Sometimes it’s better to tell ourselves: ‘I am not, or I don’t want to be, (oppressive), but these actions/words/thoughts were. Let me go ahead and learn why that was, and how I can improve on this’. Because that is infinitely more productive than shutting down completely and failing to see why our behaviors are problematic.

I follow Your Fat Friend on Insta, an account dedicated to educating about fatphobia and celebrating fat bodies. And I remember she once posted some stories explaining how she didn’t care what people thought about her but, instead, she definitely cared about how people treated her. I hope to be paraphrasing correctly (and I’m doing all of this from memory), but she then went on to explain how she’s aware about how difficult it is to actually change people’s minds and instinctual gut reaction - but that she definitely could address how people acted and treated her because or despite those gut reactions.

And I think it’s a way more realistic approach. Oppressive behavior is something deeply ingrained in all of us. It takes up a lot of active education and engaging and messy work for us to change it - and expecting people to do a 180 the second you point out shit to them is a bit unrealistic.

This doesn’t mean we don’t have to call out people when we see them engaging in oppressive behavior, because we absolutely do. But just as we understand that our own learning journey is complex, we must understand that other people’s are too.

Speaking of which - burn out is real. We can’t expect people to be engaged activists and teachers all the time. We’re allowed not to educate others. We are allowed to take ourselves away from a situation that is exhausting us. Believe it or not, we’re allowed to say: ‘I’m not responsible for this person’s learning’. We’re allowed to do things that are not 100% for the cause (like being Feminists and wearing make up and heels). And that doesn’t make us any less politically conscious. It just makes us humans with feelings, who get tired and emotionally drained.

We need to give ourselves space to be problematic, space to learn how we’re being problematic, and space to learn how not to be problematic. And accept that we all must find a balance between our mental health and our activism because we can’t simply drop off of the face of the earth and live in a parallel, unproblematic dimension.

None of us is perfect. But the least we can do is try to be a little better tomorrow than we were today.

[notaloneinthisblog]

Not alone

Hey guys, not really sure who I am writing too but for anyone who is struggling with basic adulting then I guess this post is for you. My name is Gabrielle Lewis but I prefer Gabby.  I am a Nutritionist and Fitness Coach with both my BA and MS in Human Nutrition and Nutritional Science respecivly, am currently in the process of becoming a Certified Nutrition Specialist (CNS), and have worked in the fitness industry for about 5 years. That may seem impressive to any third party but to me it doesn’t feel like nearly enough. You see, I am recovering from an eating disorder that has affected my life since I was 16 (I am now 26). Making this blog is a big step for me because being vulnerable and transparent are two things that scare the hell out of me. 

It may seem odd to have struggled with food and my body image when my job revolves around just that. Then again, maybe it doesn't seem odd at all. All I know is that this shit is hard. Not just in learning how to eat again but becoming comfortable with who I am because at the core of any eating disorder stems insecurity, doubt, and shame. It seems like I checked off all boxes after speaking with my therapist, so here I am. 

Through this process I have learned a few things about myself that I really wanted to ignore fir so long but now I am forced to address them. #1 is that I fucking love food, like a lot. I am not talking about fast food or processed food but wholesome, nutrient dense meals as well as cake, cookies, ice cream and all the fun foods. I used to think that this made me a bad person, a bad nutritionist but I think it’s actually the opposite, because I am able to empathize with my clients and thus assist them with more awareness. #2 I can bake and am getting better. I didn't think I was good at anything until my therapist suggested I start baking to get comfortable around food again. I started off with trying to make my treats low calorie, low fat, and low sugar but that started making me resent the process (and with no culinary training, my treats sucked). Therefore, I went back with the basics; how to bake cookies, cakes, brownies, etc from scratch without adjusting the recipe. I watched all the Food Network Shows, The Pioneer Woman is my favorite and followed all their tips and tricks to improve my skills. The craziest thing to me is that I got good and am still learning so there is always room to improve but I was actually good at something that was left field from training and coaching. I knew I was making progress too because I ate my treats in moderation (not at first) instead of throwing them away (a story for another time). #3: I don't have many friends. Most of my friends from school moved away or lost touch and I isolated myself for so long that I didn't try to make friends after college. I thought having my fiancé and family was enough. However, I am now longing for girl friends who I can be myself around and to have my back. This was the rudest awakening on this journey, realizing how much this disorder has affected your social life. No more self pity though, because I figured if I feel this way then I’m sure there are more people out there who do as well. Therefore, this blog is dedicated to rediscovering my love for life and ask for others to join in as well. I want to hear your stories, your recovery process, likes and dislikes, and an open forum to make friends. Maybe no one will read this and that’s ok. At the end of the day, this blog is to help me grow and if one person comes along on that journey then I have succeeded. 

[wallysbestie]

Question Tag

So I was tagged by both @felegs and @stayuwu to do the 11 Question tag and a different one but ill probably make that its own post as well so minimize the size on these but yeah im gonna go ahead and just answer their question together and then,,, i dont know if ill be tagging people ill decide at the end lmao

but yeah ill put it under a read more because i dont want yall to deal with my long ramblings. if you just want my questions and want to ignore all my answer than just scroll to the very bottom!

Stayuwu’s Questions:

Are you a daydreamer? If so, what do you dream about?

I am~ I typically day dream about fic ideas like how I would imagine them to pan out or if I’m in class then I’ll typically day dream about this is nerdy as hell let me be how like the psych topics were learning about could be panned out in a story like we learned about this specific condition in my cog class and i just immediately wrote the concept into a fic story lmao

What’s your favorite place in the world?

mmm depends. at home its the beach but specifically this beach by my house because its a very calm beach that also has a super cute little center with small local shops and stuff and minimal seagulls hate those fuckers but here at school its my departments building because every floor has a big staircase thats dark and quiet and has huge windows facing the forest and the other side has a balcony facing the campus and you can see the ocean if youre high enough and its just hgvfsd i love

What’s home to you?

not be like,,, cliche i guess but like,,, i dont? think i have one? i dont like feeling tied down so i dont typically think of anywhere as “home” 

This is not a question but quote a vine.

shawty i dont... mind

Grey’s anatomy or House?

House hands down i watched grey’s for a while growing up and its just,,, too much lmao house is so dark and unapologetic and i love it

Do you have any pets?

i have one (1) dumb dog that i love so much and can never stop talking about to showing off photos about

What kind of friend are you? (You know, the mom friend, the meme friend, etc).

the distant mom friend

Do you hate someone? If so, why?

nah i dont have the energy to give someone that type of passion. im more of the if you fuck me over ill completely cut you out of my life within a blink of an eye type of cap not the ill hold a grudge against you type of cap

What’s your dream job?

working in a hospital with kids with mental disorders and terminal illnesses

What MCU character resembles you the most? (not physically, more like mentally and emotionally).

i,,,, dont know??? i know mayhaps 3 characters from MCU and thats only through like 1 or 2 movies lmao

I won’t use this eleven question as an actual question, use your right to answer to this to talk about whatever the fuck you want. Rant, fangirl, talk about what you did today or yesterday or whatever. Just talk.

last night i went to sleep at like 1 am which is the earliest ive slept in so damn long and yet my body still decided it needed 12 hours of sleep. 12 hours? in this economy? please we dont have time for that i have articles to read

My Moon’s Questions:

what’s one thing that helps you relax?

being cold and listening to music helps me a lot so if im like freaking out or super upset ill usually go outside and either sit on the stair case or go walk around especially at night

what’s your favorite novel and author?

mmm its not a novel but my favorite short story that I’ve ever read is What We Talk About When We Talk About Love (but the original version) by Raymond Carver

are you an affectionate person? if so, how do you show affection?

kinda? I’m not a big fan of pda so the most I’ll do is like give hugs or if its something real special like my sun or my ex roommate then I’ll give them kisses on the cheek or forehead but aside from that I’m more of a silent affectionate person who will just like,,, pat your arm or bring you some water when I know you need it

are you an early bird or a night owl?

oh definitely a night owl whether I want to be or not lmao

if you’re comfortable with it, do you have a song you connect to something or someone, and if so, what is it?

mmm I have a lullaby that when my best friend moved back to their home state, they had me listen to it because they knew I was going through a really hard time and wasn’t not like,, in the safest of spots and I remember crying for like a solid 30 minutes and like even now to this day if I’m in a really bad spot I’ll listen to that song and just think about my best friend and like it just gives a small hope that things will be okay again

if you could go back to a place you’ve been to before, where would it be?

Florence, Italy the only place I’ve actually felt safe ironically considering its hours away from anything I could ever consider home

what does your favorite piece of clothing - that you own yourself - look like?

i have a shirt from this show that i love so much to the point my aunt stole it and hid it somewhere so now i have no idea where it is and will likely never get it back :’)

who’s your bias and why?

hgfds i have too many biases this is hard but uh honestly most of my biases are such for the same reason that being that they’re very strong capable people who have been through hell and back adn yet still always find a reason to bounce back and give life their all (ex: Yongguk, Young K, Taeyong, Bang Chan, Hanbin, Amber)

do you believe in luck and miracles?

finding you was a miracle but aside from that not really? i like the concept of them but i dont actually believe in them. i believe things happen for a reason yknow

what’s your favorite type of decorations?

christmas lightssss i own so many omg i think i have like,,, 8 strands with me currently?? with only 2 not being put up on some wall??

do you prefer being outside or inside?

definitely outside which is funny because I’m inside so much but I love going out adventuring and just being a menace to society tbh

My Questions:

What’s the “weirdest” song that stands out from your library?

Do you have a piece of clothing or jewelry that you hold dearly?

Have you ever gotten something autographed? How’d you get it?

What concert/festival did you really want to go to this year but had to miss?

What’s the hardest thing for you to do alone?

Would you rather stay in your hometown for the rest of your life but have everyone you love and appreciate live near you or move to your dream location and have a stable life but leave everyone you know behind?

Favorite thing to do during this lovely month of Halloween?

Are you a trick or treating kind of person or someone who would rather hand out the candy?

Do you have any crazy Halloween stories? Break into anything? Throw an insane party? Spill.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done that when you look back you;re just like “wow who possessed me and made me do that?”

If you could spend a date night on Halloween and just eat candy and watch horror movies, which idol would you want to do it with?

Can you tell I’m excited for Halloween? it was hard to not make all 11 of these spooky themed lmao but anyways let’s get to tagging

@newkids-thefinal @gayforjiwon @tangerine-jinani @taecheeks @devilji @kxmwoojxn @junheeart @kuromatoki @minhosgf @shen-anakins @minbebee @mias97

[querubinne]

B1A4🌱Asks!!

I found these questions and I don’t really think I’d get any anons and I really want to answer them so I just will ok? ok.

Because B1A4 has a ton of good albums with a ton of good music to ask a ton of great questions!! Inspired by: x 🌱 Questions with an * are taken directly from this brilliant post.

Let’s Fly

O.K.: A childhood crush?

There was this boy who was my classmate at daycare, and I REALLY liked him, I was like, obsessed with him, I would write him letters and all (I could write like, at 4, so this is legit). The weird thing was that this boy wasn’t real in my head. I mean, he was there, he was a real boy, but I was in love with an exact copy of him that only existed inside my head, I didn’t pay much attention to the real kid.

Remember: The one thing you want people to remember about you?

That I can be dangerous if I want to and that it’s better not to take advantage of me. I’m the sweetest on earth but I’d like people to remember that they can’t mess with me.

Only Learned Bad Things: A habit you want to break?

Eating junk. I mean, I’m not about to cut junk food of my life, but I’d like to be less addicted to it. More than eating junk, I’d like to cut emotional bingeing. I’m not diagnosed with binge eating disorder anymore but I can feel myself falling into old habits and I feel soooo weak. I hate it.

Bling Girl: Choose one of your possessions to give to a crush or s/o.

I’d probably give my girlfriend the pink edition of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. It’s my favorite one, and I’ve got like 2 more, but that one is highlighted and means A LOT to me. Luckily we live together and she’s not going anywhere far away without me so I don’t need to do that hahah *sigh of relief*

Only One: The most encouraging thing someone’s said to/done for you?

There has been a lot of encouraging stuff people have said to me, like they believe I’m going to publish a book, that they think I’m capable of a lot, so I couldn’t choose the most encouraging. I can tell you about the last one tho: “You’re a puppy with places to go, so you shouldn’t be stuck watching people get drunk”

(This because I just had a bad episode with drunk friends, and also cause my gf and I always look at dogs and say that they walk like they have such important places to go and look happy).

It B1A4

Beautiful Target: How do you pursue a love interest? Are you active or passive about it?

I am very active about it, I flirt a lot, I try to spend a lot of time with the person, I also think I am so active I became obvious, which worked just fine the last time so...

My Love: Do you believe in love at first sight?

I do, yes. Not instant love, or mature love or anything, but I think that there’s something that just clicks the minute you see a person, more like interest or spark at first sight.

Chu Chu Chu: Have you had your first kiss?

Yes :D I’ve been kissing people since I was like 11 tbh, even though I had never had a partner before last year, but I was a strong believer in the idea that kissing wasn’t something serious if you’re not in love with the person. I kissed a lot of friends like this, just to mess around.

Wonderful Tonight: You (and your friends or s/o) are free tonight!! Where do you go? and/or The best party/event you’ve ever been to?

1) We go to eat some pizza or ice cream or whatever. We’d mostly stay home, eat, watch videos and talk.

2) I’m not really a party person, but there’s this one time my friends and I went to a karaoke bar and stayed there till like 3 am, and then pretended to be a car to buy food in a McDonnald’s drive thru. Then we walked like an hour and a half all the way to my house while the sun was rising, with 14 dogs following us. It was just amazing. (If you’re wondering, I wasn’t drunk, I didn’t have one single drink, I’m just the biggest dork)

Fooool: Do you easily trust others? and/or How loyal are you?

1) I trust too easily. Tbh, I don’t know if it’s trust or just my oversharing problem, but the thing is I say too much too early, but I don’t know if this counts as trusting. Considering all the things I’ve been through, I should trust no one, but I do.

2) I’m super loyal

Ignition (Special Edition)

Baby Good Night: Worst thing you’ve done to avoid someone on social media, or just in general?

Well, this guy I don’t like to talk about was stalking my instagram, so I turned the account to private, but he was still there. I assumed he was following me with a fake account so I blocked a few ones that looked suspicious. In the end, I have the account in private mode but I change it to public every time I post something for some minutes so people can see the pic in the tag. It’s fucking tiring but I don’t like being stalked.

Because of You: Best childhood or relationship memory?

One of the best memories I have with my girlfriend happened when we were just friends. You could tell we were starting lo like each other, but none of us would do shit. We spent a lot of time together, and we were sitting by the sea at night, it was just us and some stray dogs and it was really cold. She was leaning on me and I was sort of caressing her hair, and we were just about to kiss. We didn’t and every time we talk about it we agree in that we should have. It’s a nice memory anyway because I liked being so nervous around her.

Baby I’m Sorry: Ever had your heart broken (or vise versa)?

Yeah. I had this, girlfriend? we never named what we had but let’s say she was my s/o. We’ve met online and we talked everyday and sent packages to each other, I liked her an awful lot, but one day she stopped talking to me, and when I asked her what the hell was happening (two weeks later) she just told me she wanted to put some distance between us before telling me we wouldn’t talk anymore because I reminded her of sad things and she was basically unhappy around me. I don’t miss her anymore and I don’t wish she come back or anything like that, but I just can’t help wondering what the fuck did I ever do wrong.

This Time Is Over: Worst memory you’ve ever had? and/or Worst thing you’ve ever done to someone?

1) Tumblr is no place to ask about bad memories. Everyone has too many and they’re all too bad.

2) Let’s say my bpd is the worst I’ve done to everyone I love, for many many different reasons.

So Fine: 2 physical attributes that you are attracted to? 

Big, expressive eyes and thick thighs.

Super Sonic: 3 things you look for in a s/o?

1) That she has her own opinions and that she’s able to talk about them and discuss things.

2) That she is loving and likes to cuddle and be ok with me being the freaking cheesiest.

3) That she’s smart.

And yes, if you’re wondering, Bunny has all 3 and a lot of things more.

Just the Two of Us: Do you believe “true love” lasts forever?

Yes. I think love can do everything if we don’t ruin it.

Smile: When was a time you were so happy you cried?

This feeling starts and ends with Bunny.

Feeling: A song that never fails to lift up your feelings?

What’s happening by B1A4. I swear to god I can’t listen to it and stay sad, it’s just too happy for me.

Crush: How do you act/react around your crush? Are you super-obvious?

I just said I am. I am obvious when someone is my crush and i’m freaking cheesy later.

You Are My Girl: How do you fall in love? Do you fall fast and hard for someone or does it take time for you to fall in love?

Fast and hard, and then harder and harder. I love too much and too hard and too fast.

In the Wind

In the Wind: Do you believe in fate or free will?

Fate, but I think we can shape it by taking our own decisions. So both maybe?

Tried to Walk: What’s the hardest thing you’ve had to give up?

My mental health probably lol no I’m not really sure??? Probs the belief that my dad was a good person. He is, but he’s also one of the worst kinds of persons and that was really hard for me to accept (still is tbh)

If…: What is one thing you can’t live without?

Bunny. She’s the only person who has given me the ability to be myself and to speak what I feel and to be real. Not even my mom, or my friends. I also can’t live without reading, writing and listening to music. I just can’t.

I Won’t Do Bad Things: Your relationship deal-breakers?

If the other person were racist, or stole, or treated people badly, or were lazy. I can stand a lot of things but I need to admire the other person for things to work.

What Do You Want to Do: What would you like to do on the perfect date?

My kind of perfect date is amusement park or sitting by ourselves at night, whatever is the setting, I’d like to eat stuff and chat and kiss for hours without noticing time pass.

Be My Girl: Have you ever confessed to a crush or told someone “I love you?”

I have confessed, and it didn’t work well. I’ve also said I love you a thousand times to Bunny. The first time I did it was really embarrassing: I was having a bpd crisis of some sort but I was really “manic” (not manic manic cause I’m not bipolar, but some times I get something that is alike but for a very short period of time), anyway I felt so alive and happy and I needed to go for a walk cause the feeling was too overwhelming so I left her apartment and while I waited for the elevator I yelled “I LOVE YOU” and just fucking died because I meant it.

In the Air: What do you do to relieve stress?

Write, sketch, listen to music, take a shower, go for a walk, fucking scream into the void of my soul and lose it.

What’s Happening?

Starlight Song: A song that makes you sad/cry?

Iris, the one by Goo Goo Dolls, but specially the Sleeping with Sirens cover. Another one is Asleep by the Smiths. They just kill me.

What’s Happening?: Weirdest/Strangest situation you’ve ever been in? and/or Most bizarre/craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Probably trying to dance to this song tbh. I’ve done so many weird things that I don’t even know. Probably eating every kind of plant as a child or trying to dye my hair with berries (also as a child). As a teenager I did other things but I’m not proud of them so.

Yesterday: A memory you would like to relive?

Past is better buried 6 feet under, rotting and being eaten by worms. Ok, maybe the feeling I had when I read The Philosopher’s Stone for the first time.

Good Love: Biggest regret?

Regrets, I have a few. But then again too (fucking many) few to mention.

How Many Times: What’s the greatest thing you’ve done to impress a crush/someone?

Show them my bookshelves. I don’t think it made the impression I wanted but I thought she would be so amazed by them.

Who Am I

Prologue: Introduce yourself to someone you’ve never met in just 10 words (can be in a list or sentences).

Happy

Dorky

Bookworm

Loving

Childish

Crybaby

Short-tempered

Boyish

Creative

Clumsy

Lonely: Do you like being alone? and/or 3 songs you listen to when you’re feeling down.

1) I love being alone, but only when I WANT TO, my bpd doesn’t let me enjoy being alone if I just happen to be alone because I feel abandoned af.

2) December by Neck Deep / Loser by BIGBANG / Therapy by All Time Low

Love Then: What’s a situation that seemed bad to you at the time, but actually turned out to be good?

Can’t relate to this because it’s usually all the way around.

Amazing: 5 words to describe a bias

A bias meaning Lee Sandeul: Funny, Sunshine, Happy, Childish and Cute.

Baby: What’s the hardest thing you’ve had to work at/for?

Living on my own. And I don’t mean it like a money thing.

Oh My ***: What has surprised you the most this year?

1) The fact that I seem to have the courage to do a variety of things I’ve always wanted to do.

Too Much: Someone/Something you miss right now or a lot?

You’ll get tired of reading Bunny’s name all the time but

Pretty: When is a person most beautiful/attractive? and/or Do you believe in ideal types? Do you have one?

1) When they’re confident. If a persons thinks they’re beautiful, they’ll be. It’s all about attitude. / Also when they’re sleepy, but that’s just personal taste.

2) I did have one and I think it’s really fun to think about it, but I don’t think they actually work. I know Bunny isn’t what my ideal type was (but now I can’t think of anyone I’d like more) and I know for sure I wasn’t what she was looking for.

Who Am I: Describe your past, present, and future in 3 words (1 word for each).

Painful. Pretty. Uncertain.

Drunk with Music: A song that turns you on~ hahaaa

If you’re talking about that kind of turn on... For your entertainment by Adam Lambert.

Road: Who do you look up to? Name those (living, dead, fictional, real, etc.) who have inspired you in life.

I think Neville is just //the// role model for me. No one on earth expected anything from him, and he surprised them all. That’s what I aspire to achieve.

Seoul: A place that reminds you of a special memory?

My grandma’s house always brings memories but I’m not entirely sure they’re special or beautiful anymore.

SOLO DAY

SOLO DAY: What would you do on your SOLO DAY (aka if you had a day all to yourself)?

Probably destroy myself since I can’t be trusted to be alone. If I’m in a good mood, I might go out of the house all day because as I said before, I can’t be trusted to be alone.

You Make Me a Fool: Your most embarrassing moment?

My whole life lol. I mean it tho, embarrassing it’s an everyday thing, but I embrace it and laugh along.

Are You Happy (with Him)?: If you could ask your bias one question, what would it be? and/or If you could get the answer to any question in the universe, what would it be? And, if necessary, who would you ask it to (your person can be dead, alive, fictional, real, etc.)?

1) I would ask him if he’s happy.

2) I want to know what happened when I was a kid even though it’s terrified, and I’d like anyone who wasn’t involved to tell me.

A Glass of Water: Something on your bucket list that you still want to experience/accomplish?

Learn more languages and travel the world with Bun.

Drive: 4 songs to jam to while you’re going on a long drive/road-trip?

Tried to Walk

Solo Day

A Glass of Water

What’s Happening

All B1A4 because that’s why I’m here.

You: 3 reasons why you love a bias

His voice makes me deeply happy

He makes me feel self assured because I think we’re a lot alike

He can make me smile

Sweet Girl

Sweet Girl: Favorite dessert? and/or Favorite scent?

1) Ice cream. I just can’t have enough of it.

2) Lemon.

You Are a Girl I Am a Boy: Do you believe a guy and a girl can “just be friends?” Have you ever maintained a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex?

First of all, I’m a lesbian, so for me girl and guy friendship is a total yes. But I’m also friend with girls, I never fell in love with my best girlfriend or anything. I think you can be friends with everybody, and you just love who you love.

After 10 Years: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Decorating our apartment, driving in my car to buy groceries, cooking real food.

Wait: Something you’re looking forward to?

Buy our own apartment, buy things for it. Also, that Bunny finishes reading the Harry Potter series so we can talk about it like crazy fangirls.

Love Is Magic: Have you ever been in love/Are you in love right now?* and/or What is love to you?

1) I’m soooooo in love right now

2) Love is a home. It’s feeling loved and a part of something, it’s also fighting sometimes, but always feeling safe.

Good Timing

Time: Your favorite time of the day? and/or How have you changed the most within the past year?

1) When the sun sets and suddenly everything’s quiet because the sky is just to loud for anyone else to make a sound.

2) I’m happier, braver, more confident and also I started taking responsibility from my actions and learning to control BPD behaviors.

A Lie: Biggest lie you’ve ever told?

“She cares about me” to myself.

The Moment I Fall for You Again: When did you fall for your bias?

Beautiful Target MV, I just saw that little doctor or nurse or whatever with huge glasses and even bigger smile and I just died.

Good Timing: Pick one person to go time-traveling with!!

NO ONE. Time travel is an awful idea, I’d destroy everything.

Nightmare: What’s the worst dream you’ve ever had (or one you remember very vividly)?

I was like 15 and I dreamt that one classmate went inside my room to wake me up, and I didn’t, so he took out the covers and I was all naked and covered in stab wounds, I also knew I had been raped. It was super scary specially because I’ve never dreamt with blood and nudity before. I started dreaming with rape all the time, including one dream where my father sold me to be raped.

In Dreams: Conversely, what is the best dream you’ve ever had? and/or What is your life dream/goal?

1) I don’t think it’s the best but it’s the one I’d never forget: there was this superhero flying in outer space and he was, well, flying but he didn’t really move, only the background moved and repeated itself. That was the whole dream and I love it.

2) Becoming a published writer.

Sparkling: Why do you like being a BANA (or the B1A4 fandom)?

I think this fandom is super chill and that’s something you can hardly find in other fandoms. I love it ‘cause I’m into kpop to have a good time, not to fight other people.

To My Star: The most amazing/beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

Those stones that look like regular stones on the outside but are full of gems on the inside. Specially the purple ones.

Melancholy: Have you ever experienced unrequited/one-sided love? and/or What’s something you hated at first, but eventually ended up loving?

1) My first girl love was unrequited as hell because not only she wasn’t into girls but also stopped being my friend out of the blue lol

2) Sushi

I Will Find You: The most precious thing you’ve ever lost? and/or Have you ever been lost? Are you good with directions?*

1) My childhood probably lololol (I’m some emo edgelord sometimes)

2) I’m the freaking best with directions, I don’t think you’ll ever find someone better than me. I’m dead serious.

Drunk on You: What is something (show, book, song, person, etc.) that you are currently unhealthily obsessed with?

KimPie, that one ship from Thai lesbian movies “Yes or No”

With You: Why do YOU ♡ B1A4?

Because they have amazing unique music that doesn’t sound like other kpop bands at all. Because they’re original and full of feelings. Because they’re sunshines I’M JUST DONE.

[babblingbat]

Sentient Castle AU (Voltron: Legendary Defender)

Basically, I had this idea a few months ago that the Castle is actually aware.  It’s designed to learn, and we saw from King Alfor’s A.I. that the Alteans have the technology to make this happen.  Anyways, the post is fairly long (read: took me 24 hours to write and get everything to gether from my stray notes to make it even semi coherent), so the bullet points are under the cut.

BASIC PLOT THUS FAR

The Castle starts out as simply being a computer but it learns over time

In the Fall of the Castle of Lions, it feels pain when the Galra crystal takes over

Then it feels guilty because it went against what it was supposed to do (keep the passengers safe and generally don’t be an asshole)

Lance hears the screaming when he’s in the cryo-pod because mind links are everywhere in Voltron for no particular reason, and someone needs to start being aware of the lonely computer

The computer likes to hang out with King Alfor’s A.I. before he goes evil

After Alfor gets deleted, the computer is very lonely because no one talks to it

It decides to help out the Paladins, but before it can do that it (she, I guess, because she’s a ship) needs to Know Things

She starts asking Allura about how emotions work by pretending it’s one of the paladins asking

Allura thinks that it’s Keith because she is 100% certain that he is terrible with feelings and he is also 100% gay

She uses her superb subtlety to try and get the truth from Keith and it goes terribly because he has no idea what she’s talking about

She also wants to know about cooking because that seems like an Organic™ thing to do

Hunk would really like to know who’s asking about his cooking

Whoever it is keeps leaving meals in the kitchen and never eats them

Also she just kind of observes the paladins in general and kind of hijacks the computer systems of any planets they come across to get more information

She is very critical of Shiro’s leadership

After Learning Things, she starts pretending that she has a therapy program in her code

She calls it the Consolation Programme

She mostly talks to Lance and Keith

She is privy to their every thought and just wants to shove them in a closet and make them kiss

She avoids the Alteans because they’ve said that she’s probably a threat

Eventually, Keith mentions the “Consolation Programme” during a meal and the castle is doing the electronic equivalent of hiding curled up in a ball in the corner of the room

“What are you talking about?” snaps Allura. “It isn’t a therapist.  It can run programs and analyze things, but it isn’t alive.” “Excuse me, princess, I actually am and that’s really hurtful.  Can someone talk to me I’m lonely,” replies the Castle.

Over time, she just starts being everyone’s therapist friend

Hunk and Pidge build robot bodies for her because she wants to be more organic

Their first attempt is terrible

They slowly get better and she starts looking more and more human with each version

She wears clothes that Lance gives her because no one knows how to sew and since they wear clothes she wants to wear them too (she bleaches the clothes because her favorite color is white)

Eventually, they make a White Lion for her.  It’s way smaller than any of the other lions, but it accompanies Voltron on missions.  It’s mostly used for scouting and that kind of thing.

She has no idea what the gender binary is because it never comes up

After a while of trying to get Keith to open up, she says “Allura is much better at this”

He responds with “it’s different for girls” and she asks what a girl is

The Castle feels really awkward being addressed as the Castle so Lance names her Castillo because the one thing the paladins lack is creativity.

Castillo is completely ignorant of Earth languages, despite knowing upwards of 100 billion languages spread throughout the stars

She claims she can’t control the language learning program (you know, the one with the dangerous holograms) but in truth, she just likes watching people squirm

Castillo actually can control the artificial gravity and anything remotely related to the main computer.  Gladiator? Check.  Alarms? Check.  Lights? Check.

When the Castle-ship is boarded by Galra, she turns off the gravity and just generally screws around with the controls to beat the crap out of them

The paladins are fine because of their jet-packs

In fact, they aren’t even there, it’s just Castillo alone defending one of the major assets of Voltron

Galra!Keith is a thing in this version (although he could also not be; he’s more of a side plot than a major plot point) By Galra I mean actually turning purple and getting ears because it’s confirmed he is Galra so the normal reactions (that appear in show) would probably happen regardless of whether he turns purple or not...

But based on a very lovely post I can’t find this link which I spent twenty minutes looking for, Keith’s Galra genes get kicked into gear after the Blade of Marmora trials

He gets fluffy and now people are doubly suspicious because ANGST

During the last big fight against Zarkon, Castillo fights using the White Lion but hangs back to help Shiro with overcoming Zarkon in the astral plane

90% of Castillo’s power revolves around her mind links and the computer part of her, rather than the combat elements

Shiro still disappears but she can help find him

She gets pissed because she TOLD HIM not to do this shit but here he is, doing this shit

HOW CASTILLO GETS ALONG WITH HER PASSENGERS

Lance

She’s really supportive of him and they both know what it feels like to be overlooked

Lance tells her about Earth, and she tells him about other planets

He’s trying to add Spanish to her language bank, but it isn’t really taking

Castillo is more or less always happy with him because he found the “humanity,” per se, in her before anyone else and gave her a name

She believes in his ability to lead and rarely (if ever) questions his judgment

She validates him and assures him of his worth

She happens to know a lot about depression and anxiety disorders because it was practically an epidemic at one of the planets they visited

Keith

Keith tells her almost everything because he was one of the first people to take advantage of her friend therapy

In return, she listens to him and helps when he’s planning things

She tends to be a bit of a matchmaker and spends a lot of time trying to get him and Lance together

She realizes early on that he’s Galran but chooses not to say anything to him or the team

She wants him to figure things out himself

Except for the Lance thing, because she has determined that it is a 100% certainty that he is too oblivious to even realize the possibility

She knows how to knock him down a peg if he’s acting cruelly or arrogantly without damaging his self-esteem beyond repair although that’s usually more of a problem with Lance

Hunk

Hunk is mostly just casually interested in her, he’s more interested in building a robot body

Castillo cooks with him, often in the middle of the night because computers don’t sleep and paladins of Voltron can’t be counted on to do so either

He sometimes gushes about Shay and Castillo doesn’t know what else to do but make encouraging noises

She spends a lot of her time with him trying to calm him down enough to get him to sleep and stop constantly worrying

He has nightmares (very vivid nightmares) about his friends dying

He’s normally able to dream lucidly, but not in nightmares

She has taught him various things to help him sleep

Pidge

She and Pidge are really good friends, and their conversations are a lot lighter than the ones with Lance and Keith

Pidge taught Castillo most of what she knows about gender

Pidge also helped Hunk out a lot with the robot bodies but spent most of her time figuring out how to integrate the massive consciousness of the castle with a tiny processor

Pidge and Castillo play board games and D&D together.  Castillo loves to DM, and Pidge does the craziest things to solve her puzzles

Pidge also has a bunch of old television shows downloaded on her laptop, so she and Castillo watch things like X-Files and MST3K when they can’t sleep and Castillo isn’t baking

Castillo comforts and helps Pidge in any way she can when she (Pidge) is missing her family

Shiro

Castillo doesn’t really like Shiro.  She thinks that he does a bad job of leading and is too self-absorbed to pay attention to other people’s problems

She especially despises how he treats Lance and Hunk, so she makes a point of complimenting them and pointing them out around Shiro

She has taught him how to get through his flashbacks without freaking out entirely or shutting down

She is fairly tactical, so she offers up very sound strategies, but he tends to ignore her or not acknowledge that it was her idea

She’s actually trying to figure out how to shut down his arm so that she can force him to learn how to fight without it

She might also be doing it so that she can be spiteful, but she’s not about to admit that

Coran

Castillo is good friends with Coran.  Coran is the only one that listens to Castillo’s problems and she appreciates his open-mindedness coupled with his caution

Coran treats her as just another member of their team and acts like the Supportive Uncle for her

Castillo does like pranking people so sometimes she gets into trouble with him

Coran is predominantly curious about how this happened instead of frightened because of his grandfather

Castillo is also good friends with the talking cubes, but they’re simpler than she is

Allura

Their relationship starts out as pretty rocky because Allura doesn’t believe that Castillo is a sentient being at first and then doesn’t really trust her

But after a while, Castillo figures out how to talk to Allura and tells her about her father’s memories

Allura, as we know, loves gossip, so Castillo tells her harmless things like what kind of music Lance listens to

It’s a bit weird for them because Allura is accustomed to controlling the castle and it acting as an appliance, but now she has to get used to Castillo acting autonomously and questioning some of her worse decisions

When Allura is unnecessarily harsh Castillo has nothing against calling her out on it

TBH Castillo doesn’t really recognize royalty

CASTILLO CHARACTER TRAITS

She wants to be as kind as possible, always

However, she has some priorities, like keeping the paladins safe and happy that will turn her into a Rage Machine™ and all that

She adheres to Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics as her moral code

She wants to fit in with the Paladins and Alteans but knows that she never will because she’s a computer

She’s actually kind of depressed, and sometimes will refuse to talk or just does things without putting a lot of effort into it

She worries about whether or not they’ll shut her down, even though she knows consciously that they value her

Castillo is a she because all ships are, but she’s probably agender

This only serves to make her feel more alienated, but she flat out does not understand the gender binary

She’s sometimes inappropriately mischievous, but she clings to that because it’s a very organic feeling

She makes a lot of bad puns and has a dry sense of humor

Sometimes, however, she is trapped by dad jokes and everything Coran says is funny somehow

She and Keith can have entire conversations sarcastically, and everyone else is five steps behind

She is all for free information and gets in trouble for taking classified documents from random planets

She can be very judgmental and tends to focus on the negatives of people she doesn’t like, making it very difficult for them to redeem themselves

THAT’S ALL I’VE GOT SO FAR BUT I AM WRITING A FIC AND WILL LINK IT LATER ON THANKS FOR READING PLEASE LIKE AND REBLOG (god this sounds like a youtuber fml)

[princessmovieticket]

Interveiw- Living with Chronic Illness

● When did you first notice/realized you had an illness and what/how did you notice first about the illness?

It was subltle. I watched myself decline through high school. I didn't know it was illness, I thought I was merely physically inept. You come up with explanations like this for yourself in these situations. The problem was I was not educated enough on the body to know that my issues were way out of the norm.

I would feel faint when standing for long periods of time, which seemed normal enough for a 110Lbs 17 year old girl. But then I began to have these episodes of extreme insomnia, which while also seemed normal enough, lead to episodes of the craziest hypersomnia you'd find in sleep speacialist's patients. (During my first appointment with a sleep specialist in 2015, he was CONVINCED I had narcolepsy).

I missed an average of 30 days of high school per year, mostly due to days where it was literally impossible for me to wake up no matter what I did. I got worn out easily. Gym class was the worse. I had a lead role in a school play and was very often to tired to make it to rehearsal even though I wanted to badly. (I have social anxiety, which I talk about later, but a musical is one thing I'm willing to lock it away for).

I felt guilt all of the time, maybe my best wasn't good enough? Maybe everyone else felt this way and I needed to push myself? Slowly I started to guess that something was off,  at some point I could tell this was a condition specific to me. Sadly I just assumed it was something I could try to control on my own by making healthy choices.

● How did you manage the symptoms before professionals became involved? At what point did you get professionals involved?

I started to let myself rest. In college I'd sit down in class when we were suppose to be standing for a demo. I tried not to guilt myself for all the (expensive) Ringling Classes I missed. Sophomore year I focused on going at my own pace, eating as best as I could, drinking TONS of fluid, working in my dorm room. I adjusted my sleep schedule to a strict 7-8pm bed time so I wouldn't over sleep, putting my phone on the opposite side of the room, an alarm clock app with math puzzles I had to solve to wake up to.

The problem was as I did this I continued to grow more fatigued. By the end of my Sophmore year at Ringling I only managed to get to each class once a week, if at all. Sometimes I woke up barely being able to move, I'd often spend 2-3days in my dorm room in bed before resurfacing. Even my roomates were way to busy to notice.

Once I left, my family spent the summer moving to Illinois. I was determined to fix this. For some reason, I thought all the fatigue was from Depression and that the symptoms of my (unknown) Hyperadreangic Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia was an anxiety disorder.

So I immediately got into one of the best psychiatrist in Peoria. By Novemeber 2013 I became totally bedridden, which opened the door to a lot of depression, and my uneducated self assumed depression was the problem rather than a result of other things. After about 5 months, they told me they we're not going to prescribed anymore meds because they were convinced this was something physical. They sent me on my way to an Endocrinologist and that's when the ball got rolling.

● What did you think your symptoms meant? What were your first thoughts?

Somehow, in the back of my head, my instincts anticipated for a long time where this was headed. I had asthma as a kid, and I apparently had pneumonia 33 times. Countless episodes of strep in highschool, along with stomach issues. So I figured my body was very sensitive to getting sick and becoming upset over anything it was able to respond negatively too. And as I said before, I have struggled with depression for a long time, early high school, so I assumed fatigue was an extension of that.

(An important fact, one of the first symptoms of autoimmune issues and other chronic illnesses like Multiple Sclerosis or Lupus, is Depression).

Once Psychiatric causes were off the table the causes of the chronic fatigue was a wild card. EVERY PATIENT with chronic fatigue knows it's basically the wildest card there is. It can be caused by a slew of things. I read about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and it made a lot of sense. That's when I started to take things seriously and began researching and going down paths beyond it. Becoming educated is also how I was finally able to give myself a break.

● How was it talking to your family about your initial symptoms and the illness itself? How does it feel when you talk to people about it outside of your family?

Family is the number one reason I went so long without a diagnosis. As I look back I can see how absurd my life was due to my health complications, it's incredibly obvious. My dad would hound me on how “It's a choice, Rachel! Everyone struggles, you have to just push through it.” (That's the polite version of his words). My whole life was centered around going above and beyond just to do normal things, and often do them in an exceptional way to compensate for being rather unreliable.

Once the door was opened to the fact this was physical, I panicked to find every answer I could, not so much as to fix it, but so I wouldn't be constantly beat down by the incredible guilt that came with thinking this was my fault and that I wasn't trying hard enough.

Once I came up with solid answers, I'd tell my parents, I'd explain things to them, show them articles, so I wouldn't have to risk being eaten alive by criticism. This was a major turning point for me in my life because having answers, knowing it wasn't my fault, gave me my power back.

Telling others is a mixed thing, usually I am very happy to inform them, illness symptoms and what causes them is a very relateable conversation for almost everyone. I have made good friends who met me after I became bedridden, who know to embrace it. One friend who was turned away by doctors who I told to go back because he had narcolepsy, and that week he was diagnosed with narcolepsy. Friends who had had trouble with their medications, friends who were struggling but didn't know how to approach doctors with their issues. There have been far more positive interacts from people I tell than negative. There's always going to be those who try to compare their situation and don't grasp the levity of what you're explaining, but you know you've found a new friend when you see them take a step back and suddenly re-evaluate how they are seeing you. You're suddenly in a much more personal and encouraging conversation, and those conversations go a long way.

● How did your family react? Did your immediate family react differently than your extended family? ● Who did you perceive to be helpful or not and why?

My mom has many of the same issues I do but less severe. Before me, she didn't know what to call them, and she didn't pay them a lot of attention, she didn't have to. My dad was slow to accept. It was several months of walking him through everything and always fully explaining myself to get him use to everything. My extended family was a little tricky, my mom's side understood very well. (My mother has...nine? Sisters? She's one of eleven children). I remember one time when visiting my Dad's Parents, and his brother, wife, and daughter were there. After a few hours I went to a bedroom to lay down and take a break and my uncle picked a fight with my dad claiming he was letting me get away with being lazy and destroying my life, to which my dad told him he didn't understand and began to explain P.O.Ts. This was the one time I've seen my dad stand up for me. My uncle was shocked because he was not expecting cardiac involvement, he himself has struggled with severe heart problems the past couple years. He realized this conversation was over his head and kind of just shut up after that.

I perceived my family as more on the unhelpful side. With the exception of my mom. Truthfully, everyone has let me down 97% of the time. Everything that has been diagnosed or treated has been from my persistence. No one tries to involve themselves, I spend months alone in the basement. My family member s don't come down to “talk”.  For the past few years I have not been bitter or too upset over it, but during the past 8 months, specifically the past 3, I've gotten visibly worse. I developed brain damage and began to struggle with speech, planning, flexible thinking, unable to multitask, sydenham Chorea, a form of shaking, in my hands, and tics. Because of the brain damage, it took me a while to realize what was going on, because I couldn't processes exploring the symptoms. I was blocking out doing so out because it took extra energy so I wanted to focus on other things. Hadn't I done enough analyzing of symptoms in the past? I couldn't analyze like I could a year ago, and I didn't understand that yet. I didn't realize it was the biggest road block.

Eventually, as it got totally debilitating, I was the one to figure it out and I wish to God that I wasn't. I wish that someone else would have gone “okay, something's different. Something's really wrong with Rachel.” but that's not what happened. I couldn't really be there for myself and no one that was supposed to be showed. It is a fresh wound and I am still royally pissed. I wish someone else was here for me in they way I've had to be here for myself.

The most helpful people have been my friends. My friends genuinely care even though lately I haven't seen much of them. They have an empathy that I just don't think runs in my family, unlike the health issues.

● How does your illness affect relationships with others including family, friends, and strangers?

Illness leaves me incredibly isolated. There's not a lot of people to interact with in my bedroom. I barely get to see friends anymore due to their busy schedules and my living situation. As my illness has gotten worse over the past year I've started hiding away more. Conversations and interactions can be very over stimulating, even ones online. Prior to get sick I was rather introverted with social anxiety, a social anxiety I have even in my own home that only goes away for a tiny handful of people. (When it does it's like night and day, full of passionate monologues and musical numbers, I kid you not). When someone messages me online nowadays, I get an adrenaline rush I can't curb. My body turns that into an anxiety that completely freezes me up and wears me out for the next several days. If a family member comes down during a time when I'm not feeling well that sudden adrenaline starts, I may become a little catatonic, and my speech problems will start to show. The stutter/dysaphsia due to neurological/brain damage tends to become more apparent when I'm stressed, flaring up, or have been talking to long. It can make communicating difficult and awkward.

Strangely enough, it's easier to handle it when it happens with strangers. They tend to be more inclined to listen when this happens, and not take it as personally as my family and my recent boyfriend have. But all these things have left me hesitant to communicate with people as it is one of the most exhausting things I've faced so far.

● What messages did/do you receive from the larger society about your illness?

It depends on what part of society were talking about. In the real world, the message can suck. Mostly because it's either “suck it up” or worse, it's non-exsistent. A passive, non communicative society is dangerous. It leaves the door open for things to becomes worse, for millions of others in my position to go disregarded. We are in need of your attention, of your advocacy, and a chance to represent ourselves. Whatever you do, don't become Chronically Ill or Disabled in a Capitalistic society. Unless of course, you plan on not being so chronically ill or disabled that you can monopolize on your life by writing books or creating a website filled with health tips and allergy safe recipes. Even then, that can be a soul-draining endeavor, so I don't recommend it.

Online, it is a world of empathy where others who experience similar issues continuously try to support each other. Where spreading information is a major positive. You are allowed to be sick online. I don't think I would have made it this far without the internet. So many others say the same thing. The internet has allowed so many people with Chronic Illness and disability to find ways to cope, regain a sense of community, and continue living a life. A life that is still worth living, that keeps them hanging on.

● How does your illness affect your daily life?

Illness likes to plan my days for me. It's the perfect custom prison. How long I spend on a activity is usually up to my illness, and what activity is pretty much up to my illness. For instance, pretty much everyday when I wake up, I will need to use the bathroom. But my body will be so difficult to move it will be 1-3 hours before that happens.

I can't drive anymore, I can't take walks (believe me, when Pokemon Go came out I tried), and I exclusively leave the house for medical related things.

Let's say I want to shower today, and I'm kinda feeling up to it (Yay!). But my muscles are stuck, my brain keeps freezing and I'm having trouble processing the steps to gather clothes for after the shower and walking myself to the bathroom. It can be several hours before I finally get there. Maybe I'd like to draw. After 15 minutes I'm becoming catatonic, the lights are to bright, and my brain becomes inflexible, I suddenly can't processes how to continue on the drawing and my entire being is frozen. I still want to draw, but my everything can't figure it out.

I've made a rule when planning a day, that I only have 3 task to do. For example, shower, important phone call, and ordering something I need online. This has worked really well for me.

● What is your perceived quality of life?

This past year has been rough. I don't have an actual bedroom, and having no walls or doors messes with a person's head. I developed brain damage and no one took notice. I got worse and we still don't have very solid medical explanations. I shower once every four days. And I can't clean up my guinea pig's environment as much as I like.

Everything is exposed, interactions are shallow, my body's terms are unknown, everything's a mess, and life is rather out of control despite my quiet but continuous drive to take care of all I can. It's hard to get my head outside of feeling these things.

I can't continue living like this. I'm currently doing everything I can to fix what I can and get out into a new environment.

● What are your hopes for the future?

Currently my friend Victoria and I are looking for a place to move into together. Which is a enormous step, but it's a start. It's my hope that this will be an environment where I can feel more relaxed and have friends over to visit, and that I'll be able to rebuild skills around my independence.

My hopes are very controlled by my expectations. I want to be able to find some sort of groove, find a way to manage illness and be able to do something.

I hope that medical research will advance, that information will become as popular to share in everyday life as it can be online. That people like me will be advocated for, represented, and not forgotten and hidden away.

I hope there will be more in my life than what there is now. A significant other, my own home filled with plants and large windows.

I hope that my life will be something that makes waking up and feeling like I was Daredevil-style fighting crime in my sleep, everyday, a little less crappy.

● What role does your illness play in your expectations?

It's funny you asked that, one of my most popular Tumblr post was

“People: You shouldn't give up on your dreams just because of Chronic Illness!!!*~*~*~*

Me: The only dream I have now is to recover or reach a point of slightly functional stability”

(1,153 notes, hahaha).

It's true, I had to let go of all my dreams. When you can only shower every 4 days you don't have a choice. At that point you can't even dream that big. All your day dreams become more realistic and there's no way to stop it. But ultimately, being able to establish some form of independence is a big goal of mine.

A good “expectation killer” example: I started singing again back in August on a Karaoke app called Smule Sing!. It took all my energy to just do a couple songs a day, but I was invited to an elite group on the app and got a couple hundred followers pretty fast. Singing on there was the most consistent activity I've been able to do since getting sick. Most days I had to take Lorazepam to avoid catatonia and muscle stiffness, some days I couldn't find the energy. I did well until I took the antibiotic Flagyl and developed the neurological/brain damage. It was unexpected and sudden. I've gotten some skill back, but it's so much harder now, and truthfully I don't know if this issue will ever reverse itself or improve fully.

As much as I would like to, I can't spending everyday writing or drawing, or creating some kind of job that would generate an income for myself, or even just create fulfillment for myself.

I have no idea what my future's going to be like and I'm not really planning for it, not at this moment anyway. There's too much up in the air medically to tell how I might be....heck, 2 years from now. Remember, I'm still adjusting to this past year of becoming worse. So many things are beyond my own control, and I just want to hone into the things that are so I can have somewhat of a secure footing through it all.

[freshlyjuicedbeetles]

OCD:IRL

COWETA, Okla. -When I was 17, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder; post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) would be added later. If it’s at all possible, I would say I was born with anxiety. I was always the scared child. I didn’t like being without my mom and didn’t like changes in my routine. I had the same breakfast and after school meal for twelve years. I was constantly afraid that I would be left at school one day.

Mental illness runs deep in my family. While I can only speculate about others, my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with clinical depression and was prescribed one of the first legitimate antidepressants.

I am mentally ill. I am not crazy or a menace to society. I’m a functioning member of society. I work, I vote, I have a degree. I have no desire to hurt myself or someone else. The craziest thing you’ll probably see me do is squeeze myself into a cabinet to properly clean the inside.

This is a day in the life with my diagnoses at my most stable and fully functioning. I’ve had worse periods in my life. Bear in mind, everyone’s symptoms are different.

I wake up after a night of broken sleep. This can be as early as 5: 00 A.M. or as late 4:30 P.M. in the afternoon. My sleep schedule is always different. I have been a night owl for as long as I can remember. I remember the first time I stayed up all night was in kindergarten and I’ve had circles under my eyes ever since. Even in preschool, I was up late as my parents slept away, watching TV and raiding the pantry. In school, I would go to bed at midnight, sometimes pushing it to 1:00 A.M. in high school. In college, I would sometimes go to class without sleep due to self-induced insomnia. I love my naps and they only set me up for a sleepless night. Sleep plays a big part in these illnesses. Lack of sleep can negatively affect moods which only exacerbates the symptoms.

After I eat my breakfast (or lunch or dinner, whatever meal is being served when I wake up), I take my medication. I take a serotonin reuptake inhibitor. It replaces the chemicals in my brain that it doesn’t make on its own. Medication has treated me well. It takes away a lot of my symptoms with very little side effects. It runs like a background program in my computer brain. Still, I have symptoms that I can largely ignore and use logic against.

My brain cycles through worry about my family. Is my stepdad depressed? Is he angry? Did I happen to do something wrong? Is my mom okay? I want her to be happy. Is she depressed? I need to call my grandpa. I need to go see him. I live within walking distance of him, but I fear and hate the silences in conversation. I feel like a bad granddaughter when conversation laps as though I don’t love him. What was that noise from the living room? What ungodly mess are my pets making on the brand-new carpet?

Because of my anxiety of failure and drive to be perfect, I apologize as though it will erase my mistakes from existence. I claim the mistakes of my loved ones as my own as though they were cash prizes. I’d rather be inconvenienced than someone else be.

Two comorbidities of my diagnoses are misophonia and dermatillomania. Misophonia is a hatred of sound. You know those ASMR videos that calm some people down? They make me want to punch a brick wall. Misophonia makes me inexplicably angry at noises; the sound of stepdad coughing, tongue clicking my mom makes when she’s thinking, chewing noises. I could go on.

I pick at my skin like I’m trying to create escape routes from my body. For me, dermatillomania, which is characterized by the repeated urge to pick at one's own skin, often to the extent that damage is caused, is about texture. I like the feel of broken skin. I’ve never noticed any anxiety or self-destruction correlations with this, only out of boredom, routine or desire to feel the texture. I remember when I was in middle school and I fell off my bike. I tore up my knee and it required regular cleaning. After school the day after, my grandma was changing my bandage and cleaning my wound. She left a glob of Neosporin on my calf that I noticed later. I kept myself from picking it off throughout grocery shopping with my mom so it would harden. I picked it off as she wasreturning the cart.

Texture has always been a part of my world. I refused to wear anything with tight sleeves as a child. Today, I’m nervous about trying on jeans because they might be tight. I either love or hate certain foods because of their texture.

I have been able to turn these illnesses into strengths. Through my OCD and anxiety, I have saved my own and many other gluteus maximums with my contingency plans. I was the girl with plenty of bobby pins at graduation. Through my depression, I have been able to write the most honest and powerful stories.

However, there are websites like Tumblr romanticize mental illness, especially the ones I have. It’s seen as quirky.

“Oh how cute! She eats her Fruit Loops in rainbow order!”

When in real life, people eat their Fruit Loops that way or else they think something bad will happen.

The people who want a mental illness, are people who don’t have one. It boggles my addled mind, but maybe they think they can profit off of it. They could garner sympathy or have things done for them. Remember James Frey? He profited off his supposed mental illness of drug addiction only for his readers to find out it was heavily fictionalized.

I have an incredible and supportive family who will do anything for me, but I’ve still heard well-meant but ignorant comments from them, mostly due to generational differences- say what you will about my generation, we don’t suffer in silence. Regardless of their support, anxiety based mental illnesses are manipulative S.O.Bs. Because of mine, I wonder if all my family sees me as is an annoying hypochondriac who won’t leave them alone.

Here’s a list of things that have been said to me and a few of my friends with mental illness, what you’re really saying, and what to say instead.

“It’s all in your head!”

Just like asthma is just in your lungs.

We know we’re being illogical. By saying this, you’re diminishing the severity of mental illnesses and brushing it off. These are serious health conditions.

Instead say, “I’ll try to understand.”

“Just be happy!”

Stop growing tumors.

It’s a chemical imbalance. That’s like saying to change the chemical composition of soap just by thinking about it.

Instead say, “It’s okay to feel this way.”

“You have nothing to worry about or be sad for!”

We know. You’re not helping. We may have a nice life, but the illness is still there. It’s a bit like dust in your house. It’s just there. Once again, we know we’re being illogical.

Instead, try to be sympathetic.

“Other people have it worse off than you.”

We know and you’re not helping. You may have cut yourself off from being a safe space for that person in a time of need. They may never open up to you again. It makes us feel guilty and ashamed for having an illness that we have no control over. Also, you’re furthering the stigma of mental illness.

Instead say, “I know you’re going through a tough time.”

“Have you tried…. (yoga, meditation, teas)”

No amount of homeopathy will cure a mental illness. It may help to a degree but you don’t fight illnesses of any kind with just herbs and realigning your chakra. You need to see a doctor.

Instead, ask them how their current treatment plan is going.

“You’re just being lazy!”

It’s not that we don’t want to do something (like getting out of bed), it’s that we can’t. For whatever reason, we feel like that if we do the task or go somewhere, we’ll regret it. Sometimes, we have the mental strength to push ourselves and sometimes we don’t.

Instead say, “How can I help?”

In closing, I wanted to share a quote my first therapist gave me. I feel it completely encapsulates the anxiety disorder experience in one succinct paragraph.

“The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create -- so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.” - Pearl S. Buck