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joys-of-everyday · 1 year

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Wei Wuxian and the Difficulties of Morality

Wow so I did not realise how much discourse there was around Wei Wuxian and moral greyness. Let me erm… poke around a little because that’s a hobby of mine.

Btw, I usually write about SVSSS. This won’t change. This is a one-off thing (for now).

Firstly, an Anecdote

Fun story, I watched cql and the mdzs donghua with my mum. There were many memorable things that came out of this, but one of the relevant points is an offhanded comment from my mum. She said (translated into English): ‘Wei Wuxian has no face to show Jiang Cheng, because he broke his promise to stay by his side’ (1). For context, my mum grew up in a fairly traditional Asian household. They take their declarations of loyalty seriously (or at least, that is my impression).

I find this interesting, because when it comes to moral judgement, I (who grew up in the west, with a lot of western values) get far more hung up on the things WWX did, rather than some promise he made in his adolescence. Breaking a promise is not ideal, but in my books, doesn’t really count as a huge moral failing.

The point here is not to say anything about the ethics of promise breaking, but to illustrate a point. Different people have different values. Or one person can have conflicting values. There are many scenarios where it’s not possible to say with certainty what is right or wrong. This is moral ambiguity.

(Funnily enough, the issue that my dad took with WWX was the fact he was fiddling around with dead bodies, which was like… the least of my concerns, but then I realised that bodies have a lot of religious significance.)

What even is moral greyness?

There are two possible and equally valid definitions of moral greyness.

1. Characters who are not 100% evil or 100% good

2. Characters who do not fall into the categories of ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

Note that definition 2 is a strictly stronger definition than definition 1. It is not that hard to argue that WWX does not fall under definition 2, in that he is somehow overall ‘good’. (I would also argue that MXTX encourages you to not think too hard about these dichotomies, particularly via SVSSS, but that’s a rabbit hole for another day.) It is also not that hard to argue WWX does fall under definition 1. Mainly because it’s quite hard not to breathe without falling under definition 1.

The Two Kinds of Uncertainty

When it comes to ethical questions, there are two uncertainties you naturally run into. Firstly, uncertainty of the world, which comes from having imperfect information about the situation or consequences of any given action. Secondly, uncertainty around the underlying moral question. Is it okay to sacrifice few for the sake of many? Should we place more value on those close to us in comparison to a stranger?

Humanity has not figured out morality, and certainly not for a lack of trying. Standards change over time. We look at the behaviour of our ancestors just a few hundred years ago with no small amount of repugnance. Most likely, in a few hundred years’ time our descendants will do the same. This isn’t to pass judgement on anything or anybody, but to make an observation that there is nothing you can do in the world that doesn’t inherently come with moral ambiguity, because there is always uncertainty – both of the world and the morals you are applying. And wherever there is moral ambiguity, there is moral greyness (definition 1).

That being said, ‘everything is morally grey’ is not really a helpful statement. There are things that we (society today) generally agree on e.g. ‘killing someone for no reason is bad’ or ‘being nice to people is good’. So the argument I want to posit today is that WWX’s moral greyness goes beyond this in a substantial way.

The Uncertain Character of WWX

The Fundamental Principle of MXTX is that all narrators are unreliable. At the bloodbath of the Nightless City, did WWX kill 5000? 3000? Far fewer? Had WWX acted in a different way, could JYL’s death have been avoided? We’ll never know.

To add to this complexity is subtle shifts in canon depending on the adaptation. WWX tortures Wen Chao pretty brutally in the novel (and even if you hate him, it’s a bit ick). In cql, it ‘fades to black’. In the donghua it’s a nice quick stab. Then there’s all of the fiddling around they did with JGY depending on the adaptations, giving him more or less blame for the events. I’m not sure if ‘novel is the only canon’ is the correct way to go, mainly because adaptation!WWX is interesting to analyse in itself. I won’t explore this too deeply here, but something to keep in mind.

Anyway, I want to argue that WWX is morally grey, through commentary on a few elements of his character.

1. The Horrors of War

WWX does a lot of things that are somewhat eyebrow raising. You know, killing people and stuff. Now it has been pointed out plenty of times that his situation was unusual (it was war!). The moralities surrounding warfare are in itself complicated. A pacifist might argue that war is no excuse for violence, but even without going to such extremes, these days we appreciate that there are some actions that cannot be condoned, even during times of coflict – this is the notion of war crimes.

War crimes are a surprisingly modern thing (people started to care a lot after the atrocities of WWII). Medieval warfare was brutal. Anyway, these include things like ‘torture or inhuman treatment, including biological experiments’ and ‘wanton destruction of cities, towns or villages’. Note that while killing large numbers of enemy soldiers doesn’t fall under war crimes (although some methods of going about this do, like biological weapons), torture does, so that’s one strike against book!WWX. Now there is subtly in these things, because if you judged people by these standards for anything more than 200 years old, basically everyone is committing war crimes without thinking too hard about it. WWX did do a lot of arguably good things in the Sunshot Campaign (whatever good means in war) – he fought against the tyranny of the Wens and was one of the key things that shifted the tides towards victory. Without him, the world might have looked a lot darker. Whether these ‘goods’ weigh over the ‘bads’ is something to think about.

On a slightly softer note, weapons of mass destructions are another cause of serious discussion. Those involved in the Manhattan Project creating the first atomic bomb weren’t exactly all war criminals (moreover, many of them genuinely believed they were doing what was right and necessary) but the consequences of their actions are what they are. So while WWX made the Yin Tiger Talley as a method of deterrence and assurance, considering the consequences of its use and the potential for future misuse, here lies another moral ambiguity.

2. Intent vs Consequences

It’s fair to say that most of the time, WWX’s intentions were good. Whether it be to protect the weak, to stand up for justice, these are all things we can get behind. The consequences of his actions? Well, JYL is dead, as well as a bunch of other people, and most the Wens didn’t survive anyway. That’s a big oof.

Now most people don’t subscribe to the strongest version of consequentialism which judges whether something is right or wrong by its consequences only. As in, for one, it’s almost impossible to apply in practice because you can’t predict the consequences of your actions at the point at which you chose to do them. Case in point, most of the consequences of WWX’s actions weren’t wholly down to WWX and it’s difficult to say if there was anything at all that he could have done to lead to a better outcome. (Arguably, WWX should have tried harder to negotiate with the rest of the cultivation world instead of being a one-man army against them, but in that case, they might have just mowed down the Wens anyway.)

Then again, I think most people do subscribe to at least a weak form of consequentialism. No matter how good the intentions, no matter how righteous and commendable… if the outcome is bad, it’s hard to label those actions as ‘good’ (play pumps is an example if you want to look into how charities can do more harm than good).

I draw no conclusions here. It’s food for thought.

3. On Conflicting Values and Lose-Lose Scenarios

A lot of the above comes from applying modern ethics to a character in a world largely based on ‘Ancient China’ (the quotation marks from the fact Ancient China is several thousands years old and changes significantly over time). We do this all the time. Hell, people are still reimagining the Three Kingdoms and making commentary on the morality of Cao Cao (155-220). MDZS makes a lot of commentary on modern social issues (the ‘mob mentality’ of MDZS feels like Weibo/twitter lol), so viewing it through a modern lens makes sense.

But let’s put that aside for a second and return to my mum’s comment about WWX’s broken promise. By traditional values, family is important. In Confucianism, the Four Virtues are ‘loyalty’, ‘filial piety’, ‘continence’, and ‘righteousness’. To illustrate just how serious family was, in the conflict between Liu Bang and Xiang Yu, Xiang Yu at some point threatened to kill Liu Bang’s father. Then Liu Bang was like ‘we’re sworn brothers, so technically he’s your father too’, and Xiang Yu didn’t kill him, because it would be unfilial to do so. All this is to say, WWX turning his back on his sect and his family was a big deal. Equally, loyalty towards a superior was valued greatly, even towards eyebrow raising superiors.

But Confucianism also teaches the importance of things like ‘righteousness’ and ‘benevolence’. Throughout many dynasties, important people have cared a lot about the grievances of the masses. Bullying the weak and hoarding power unjustly is seen as one of the ultimate evils, a big reason for a leader to lose the Mandate of Heaven, thus becoming unfit to rule. Plenty of subordinates have stood up against the tyranny of their superiors. So WWX standing up to the evils of the Jin clan is highly commendable by these standards too.

Another thing is ‘paying back your benefactors’. In the west, although we do have concepts like ‘owing a life’, I don’t think it’s as strong??? This is also serious business. In the Three Kingdoms, Cao Cao spared his enemy general Guan Yu, and later Guan Yu briefly fought for Cao Cao even though he was an enemy, in order to repay this debt. Wen Ning and Wen Qing saved WWX’s life and helped him when he was in need – WWX has a moral obligation to help them in return.

Thus we see WWX between a rock and hard place. Turn away from the Jiangs and he turns away from his family, and from someone he promised his loyalty to. But turn a blind eye to the treatment of the Wens, and he is a not only allowing evil to go unchallenged, but also abandoning his benefactors. The game is rigged. There is no right move here. Morally ambiguity -> moral greyness.

(Note: A lot of the previous two points can also be viewed from a 'traditional' lens. Mohism has been arguing about pacifism and universal love since 400BC. Taoism has many things to say about intervening in world affairs. Life has always been complicated, and while our language/framework may shift, many of the underlying questions remain.)

(Second note: my knowledge of Chinese philosophy is all the stuff I learnt in Saturday school+a few books/youtube videos aka. not a lot. Please call me out if I'm sprouting nonsense.)

Let’s wrap up

Tl;dr WWX is a morally grey character.

And I haven’t even started on what went down at the Nightless City, or how interesting (read: morally sus) his methods of murder were, or his fantastic takes on risk assessment.

Maybe he’s good overall. Maybe he’s a hero. But heroes too can be morally grey. That’s just a part of life.

1. This is really hard to translate actually, and I think the way I’ve written it makes sense but comes across stronger than it was. More literally it was ‘can’t raise his head towards’. It was sort of explaining why JC was giving WWX a lot of shit later on and WWX wasn’t arguing back, more in a sympathetic way rather than a critical way.

As usual, thank you for reading! Comments and criticism appreciated, but I may be significantly slower getting back because my brain is in svsss mode rn :)

#mdzs #mdzs meta #wei wuxian #wei ying #i started writing this at midnight #its now 4am #why do i do this?

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gascon-en-exil · 5 years

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Oh, I’ve thought of something I can do as regards final(ish) evaluations of FE16. Last spring I made a personal tier list of the series’s lords, and I’m now familiar enough with the four lords of Three Houses to add them. Using the same categories as that earlier post:

S Tier - interesting, narratively engaging, and (usually) fun to use

Dimitri (probably above Micaiah, definitely above Eliwood) - It is so strange to me to see Dimitri end so high up overall, because going into the game there was a lot riding against him. Marth and his various imitators have never interested me much, and Dimitri’s post-timeskip design is so distastefully haggard that I guessed that he’d be distinguished from that lot in ways I didn’t care for either. But like Eliwood before him Dimitri makes the earnest all-loving hero work, splicing it with a lot of background trauma and even more moral greyness that gets to look and feel off-putting for a good half or more of his Part 2. Placing the onus for Dimitri’s change of heart on Byleth’s personality-deprived shoulders is a big letdown, more so when you realize just how much the writing of Azure Moon has to contort itself to make it happen, but at the end of the story he’s well on his way to recovery regardless with the potential for some happy years ahead of him that do not necessarily involve Byleth in any major personal capacity...which is more than you can say for Edelgard. He doesn’t want to conquer the continent but gets the whole thing dropped in his lap anyway, and we can hope he acquits himself better than the likes of Ephraim or Ike when placed in similar situations. And speaking of Ike, I like him less now that Dimitri exists as a same-sex-inclined male lord far more to my personal taste. He may have the marriage endings that Ike pointedly lacks, but not even the game can write around the bond he shares with Dedue without (sometimes temporarily) killing one of them off. Also, lance lord - not as sparkly as light magic, but he’s got some of that too if you’re determined enough.

A Tier - fun unit and may have interesting character potential, but I’m less invested in exploring them

Claude (between Hector and Lucina, approximately) - Delightfully broken as a unit, and even though I could do without the persistent fans that insist he’s got to be bi while ignoring that Dimitri already very much is that’s not so different from the issues I have with the fanboys of Sigurd and Hector and their spiritual successors. It occurs to me that, for all that his naked manipulation of the game’s self-insert is completely unlike anything we’ve ever seen before in a series protagonist, Claude effectively blends a bunch of traits from past characters and still comes out feeling fresh (and maybe just a little evil). He’s got Lyn’s biracial backstory, Quan’s ambitions of conquest with good PR, Lewyn’s wind association and carefree façade, Ike’s simplistic takes on how to fix racism, and the collective no homo-ing ability of the entire cast of Awakening. I like how he’s the quiet political threat waiting in the wings once Edelgard and the Agarthans have been dealt with in Azure Moon and Silver Snow, but it’s a threat the game never belabors since one supervillain house leader is more than enough. That he exists as such while also being the lord with the most effective in-game press and a clear, morally-driven goal in mind is nothing short of remarkable.

B Tier - either overwhelmingly average, or with both strong positive and strong negative aspects that balance each other out

Edelgard (above Corrin, if I’m being charitable) - Ugh. I was tempted to put her lower, but to her credit she is more compelling than Marth and the like. Too bad that half of why she’s so compelling is the inconsistency of her character; the way in which Edelgard is crippled by the game’s writing (a contractual requirement for female lords) is that it asks her to be both an imperialistic, dictatorial villain and a personally and politically sympathetic antiheroine. If only she’d been allowed to be a pure villain character she would have been fantastic, and I might have even ranked her above Claude. Her traumatic past feeds into her motivations such that it allows her to think that she’s doing the right thing even though she’s not (important for any well-written three-dimensional villain), and the revelation in Verdant Wind that her crusade was based almost entirely on false information adds to the dramatic irony and the inherent tragedy of her character. It is my personal belief that Crimson Flower is best approached by following Hubert’s example and going full Evil Overlord with it, and then it becomes so much easier to handle an ending where Edelgard has been set up by the very people who destroyed her family and childhood to throw Fódlan into chaos and replace the continent’s oldest institution and all its former governments with an alleged meritocracy where all her friends - most of them nobility - get to rule everything and she probably won’t live to see it all collapse. But no, on every route you’ve also got to deal with her bizarrely-expressed attraction to Byleth, and this just drags her overall presentation down even as it’s trying (very awkwardly) to humanize her. It’s little wonder that Edelgard is so polarizing, and I can’t say I’m a fan.

D Tier - OP unit, terrible character

Byleth (above Robin) - Like Edelgard, Byleth suffers because the developers couldn’t stick to one script on what to do with them. They’re less of a self-insert than previous Avatars on account of significantly limited customization options, and yet (in theory) more of one because the player can now choose dialogue options at points in the script, usually to no meaningful effect. They’re a mute amnesiac thrust into the role of teacher at a military academy, which lends itself to all sorts of wacky school shenanigans in fandom and allows the player to superimpose a personality onto a mostly blank slate - at least until Byleth is revealed to be the mortal vessel of a goddess and the child twice over/grandchild/sibling/parent of one of the game’s major players who they incidentally also have the option to sleep with. I’m not sure who Byleth is meant to appeal to, really; fans of Avatars will dislike their preset characteristics both as a self-insert and as a unit, while fans who dislike Avatars (like myself) will hate how the writing forces them to be important to the plot and to other characters’ arcs even outside the whole dragon/goddess angle. I would place Byleth over Robin, however, for two reasons. One is that their plot significance is telegraphed from the very first cutscene and not held off until the game’s final chapters, and that on three of the four routes they are clearly secondary to that route’s house leader in overall importance. The second is that their lack of a proper voice unlike all the other characters makes it less irksome than it otherwise would be for me to have to use f!Byleth to bang most of the male cast. In a game that almost completely flubbed its self-insert M/M options and left all the good stuff to Dimitri’s harem and a few miscellaneous guys, I’ll take what I can get.

#Fire Emblem #FE16 #Fire Emblem Three Houses #Spoilers

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whitewolfofwinterfell · 5 years

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My favourite Charmed episodes - season 6

This is the sixth part of my Favourite Charmed Episodes meta series all posts in the series will be tagged as #favecharmedeps.

Season 6 is a strange season because for some fans it’s their most favourite season and for others it’s their least favourite. For me, I’m afraid it’s the latter. Whilst season 5 saw a change in the vibe of the show, season 6 felt like a much more dramatic change that simply didn’t work for me. The characterisation of the main character seemed to become inconsistent and their development flopped, the strong sister relationships were neglected more than any other previous season and despite the potential of Chris’ character and plot, the indecisveness around what to do with his character led to a bunch of plot holes and a character that simply didn’t fit or make sense within the Halliwell family or Charmed as a whole. Nonetheless, the season wasn’t all bad. I still like some episodes from the season and there are some that provide some good characterisation that’s consistent with previous arcs and episodes. I’ve chosen 4 episodes from season 6 - Little Monsters, The Courtship of Wyatt’s Father, Hyde School Reunion and It’s a Bad, Bad, Bad World.

Little Monsters (6x09)

Overall, I think this episode is very underrated and slips under the radar. The plot with the manticores, the baby and his father (Derek) is one of my favourites involving innocents from across the series. Charmed tackles the greyness of morality multiple times, but the shows emphasis at times is generally black and white in its representation of good and evil, so this episode is great because it’s a particularly effective exploration the greyness involved in good versus evil.

By having a demon baby, it immediately forces the sisters to question everything they feel and believe about demons. Usually their approach is simple - demons are evil and they kill them. However, the baby is not only a baby, but he also looks human and develops a bond with Wyatt. This causes conflict for the sisters who obviously cannot justify or bring themselves to kill a baby, regardless of the demonic powers he seems to posses. He may have evil powers, but he’s not evil yet and they know that evil is made not born. And the fact that Wyatt takes such a shine to him causes further conflict since Wyatt’s instincts from a very young age have always been very good. He knows when he’s in the presence of evil or if someone is untrustworthy and wants to harm him or his family, and he demonstrates that by having his force-field up. So the fact that he never puts his force-field up around the baby means that Wyatt doesn’t sense anything amiss from him.

For Piper this is a particularly interesting episode because it taps into her feelings and instincts as a mother. By meeting Derek and seeing his desperation to be with his son, she’s able to sympathise as a mother who would also do anything for her child. There’s something that I just love about the fact that a suspected bad guy and demon who the sisters believe wants to kidnap the baby to do him harm actually turns out to be a human man who simply wants to save his son and voluntarily transformed into a demon so he could do exactly that. It’s one of the most emotive and touching stories of any innocent on the show, in my opinion. And I love how Piper was able to connect so easily to Derek, even when he was in his demon form and she was still unsure about his intentions. Just like Wyatt, her instincts didn’t let her down and she quickly realised that she wasn’t in the presence of evil.

It still makes me sad that Derek and his son only appeared in this episode, because the chemistry between Derek and Piper and the little friendship Wyatt and the baby developed was incredibly sweet and I think there was potential there for a friendship to continue and for Piper and Derek to go on play dates together with the kids.

Overall, this episode isn’t stand-out brilliant or amazing. The side-plots with Darryl being made invincible by Paige’s spell and Phoebe and Jason’s struggles in their relationship are forgettable and lacklustre, but there’s something about Derek’s plot that I find very compelling and endearing. It’s one of the few stories of the many, many, many innocents on the show that always sticks in my mind.

The Courtship of Wyatt’s Father (6x16)

There’s only one reason this episode makes it onto my list and I’m sure you can guess what it is. It’s Piper and Leo.

Generally, I’m not a huge shipper of Piper and Leo, but I still have a strong attachment to them and always rooted for them to be together. After the turmoil they go through in season 6, this episode is much needed. There’s so much left unsaid and unresolved between Piper and Leo, and the way he leaves at the end of season 5 and how he’s kidnapped by Chris and placed in Valhalla is just two of many issues they don’t address in regards to how their relationship ended.

This episode is simply an emotional, heart-wrenching and authentic glimpse at two people who have a long, complex and deep history re-connecting in the moments which they believe could potentially be their last. Finally hearing those words, “I never stopped loving you” is so gratifying, because we all knew that but neither of them had openly voiced their feelings. Piper and Leo overcame so much to be together and they were cruelly ripped apart by Leo becoming an Elder, and everything about what happens between them in this episode is earned.

The fact that Chris’ very existence is dependent upon Piper and Leo having sex and conceiving him on the very same day only thickens the plot. What’s so beautiful about it, is that all through season 6 you wonder how Chris is possibly going to be conceived since Piper and Leo are split and for a long time I started to think it was going to be done magically. So the fact that Chris is conceived naturally and out of nothing but pure love is so beautiful and it’s exactly what he needed. He feels inferior to Wyatt and knows that Wyatt was planned and wanted, and although he may not have been planned in the same way he was born out of Piper and Leo’s love in exactly the same way Wyatt was. If anything, the moment Chris was conceived was even more romantic and special than Wyatt since we as fans got to see that experience and the emotion between Piper and Leo in that moment.

There’s really nothing more that I can say about this episode, other than to say that the way the episode ends with Piper finally learning that Chris is her son is a huge cliff hanger and just adds to the gratification of the episode.

Hyde School Reunion (6x17)

There are a lot of aspects of this episode that are cringey as hell, but what I like about this episode is how consistent it is with Phoebe’s characterisation (which is particularly important to me, since I feel like the writers lost sight of Phoebe a lot in seasons 6-8). I also enjoy the fact that it slightly parallels with Coyote Piper where Piper had her high school reunion and had to confront her past and the ways in which she’d changed but also the ways that she’d stayed the same. Coyote Piper also showed the dynamic between Prue and Piper, whilst Hyde School Reunion shows the dynamic between Phoebe and Paige.

As I’ve mentioned multiple time throughout this meta series, Phoebe has always been characterised as being the sister with the darkest nature. We know that she got into trouble when she was younger and she was somewhat rebellious, but this episode allows us to literally see that younger version of Phoebe as she becomes her. The opening scene between Phoebe and Paige is cute because we see them bonding and Paige expressing that Phoebe’s a lot to live up to as a big sister. It’s these kind of sister moments that are so important to me and they’re particularly precious at this point since they don’t happen as often in season 6. It’s also nice that Phoebe invites Paige to attend her high school reunion with them since Paige has expressed in the past how she sometimes feel a little out of the loop since she never had the opportunity to know Piper and Phoebe when they were younger. By allowing Paige to be part of her high school reunion, Phoebe enables Paige to journey back to her past and see the sides of Phoebe and aspects of her life that she didn’t know about. This is also important because seeing the flip side to Phoebe enables Paige to realise that as much as she may look up to Phoebe as her older sister, Phoebe isn’t perfect either, which is always a valuable lesson to learn about our role models no matter how old we are.

Phoebe has come up against her dark side multiple times in the previous seasons, but what’s significant about this episode is that she isn’t under the influence of magic or evil, it’s just her. The young Phoebe we see is exactly who she was when she was that age and a spell brings her to fruition, but it’s completely authentic and true to the person she was. What this episode does by connecting Phoebe to her past and her younger self, is to allow her to remember the person she was, how she’s changed and to take responsibility for the terrible things she did and prove that she’s no longer that person. It’s one of the most effective episodes at demonstrating how far Phoebe has come because she’s a million miles away from the young Phoebe we see in this episode.

In addition to Phoebe’s arc, seeing Piper trying to work through the fact that Chris is her son, Chris revealing that Piper is dead in his future and Chris and Victor meeting is all very moving and emotional. Piper can clearly see that Chris is closed off and she wants to remedy that, and we see that already she’s having those motherly instincts towards Chris. Since the family finally know the truth about who Chris is, he’s forced to confront his demons more so than before and him admitting that Piper is dead in his future explains a lot of his behaviours and attitudes throughout the season. As for Victor, although he made amends for being an absentee father all the way back in seasons 2 and 3, knowing that he develops such a strong bond with Chris and is so involved in his and Wyatt’s life is so lovely to know. This little sub-plot with the three of them works very well and despite it being in the background rather than the forefront of the episode, it provides a lovely bit of development for all three characters and their relationships.

When you look beyond Alyssa’s somewhat cringe portrayal of young Phoebe and the fact that the criminal plot with her old high school friends is a complete miss, this episode provides some very good characterisation and development for the sisters, Chris and Victor and builds upon some of those important familial relationships with Phoebe and Paige, Victor and Chris, Piper and Victor and Piper and Chris.

It’s a Bad, Bad, Bad World (6x22+23)

A lot of my enjoyment of this episode lies purely in the fact that we get to see a parallel world where we get to see the sisters’, Leo and Chris’ evil counterparts and the Demon of Hope. It’s also a memorable episode in terms of Chris’ death and birth, Leo’s turn to the dark side and the general moral message that the episode contains.

I have a lot of issues with Chris’ plot throughout season 6 and how inconsistent it was and how many plot holes there were, but in this episode he’s very sympathetic and his death is heartbreaking. He sacrifices himself saving Wyatt’s life, which was his main goal from the beginning. It’s good to see that he’s finally developed bonds with the family, and that he dies with Leo by his side given the turbulent nature of their relationship in Chris’ reality.

As for Leo, him murdering Gideon is one of the most interesting things that ever happens to his character. Leo’s goodness can only extend so far and let’s be honest in season 5 and 6 he was screwed over majorly. After working his ass off just to be able to be with the woman he loved and earning that right from the Elders, he was ripped away from his wife and newborn son by a higher calling, he was isolated by Piper he didn’t even tell him she was pregnant and he had to endure the wrath of Chris who hated him for something that he hadn’t even done (Chris’ anger was with the Leo of his reality, not our Leo). After finding out that the very people that had caused most of the issues in his family - the Elders - were also responsible for trying to kill Wyatt and murdering Chris, is it any wonder it sent him over the edge? What I love about this aspect of Leo’s arc is how embedded it is in fatherhood. In fiction there’s always so much emphasis on motherhood and mother-child bonds, and father’s are often cast into the background and those relationships and bonds aren’t explored as much. But Leo’s arc in season 6 is one of fatherhood and I admire that so much, because few male characters have the opportunity to have that kind of storyline. Leo loved his children every bit as much as Piper and was consumed with their safety and happiness to the point that it pushed him to act completely against his morals and commit murder. You often hear how parents will do anything for their children including murder, and Leo goes that far. He proves that when it comes to the love of your children there are no limits on what you’ll do. And honestly, this plot is probably one of my favourites from season 6, it’s just a shame that it wasn’t handled properly in season 7 and was very inconsistent and then kinda randomly dropped to revert him back to the exact same pure, “good” character he was in seasons 1-4.

Obviously throughout the episode there’s a clear moral message regarding the importance of striking a balance between good and evil. It’s a message that’s been conveyed on the show before and that’s symbolised by characters like the Angel of Death and the Cleaners (despite how inconsistent they are with the mythology of the show, but that’s a separate topic). Although the sisters fight on the side of good and kill evil demons, it’s never the end goal to eradicate all evil. There’s an understanding within the Charmed universe and from the sisters themselves that good cannot exist without evil and vice versa. We’ve also seen this within the characters themselves as they struggle with the light and dark inside themselves and the valuable lessons they’ve learned along the way about the interconnectedness of the two. Having evil in the world is how one is good; because they choose to act on their better instincts and morals to promote good. The completely “good” world that the sisters find themselves trapped in is actually awful. Phoebe is shot in the street for parking her car in the way of her neighbours drive, people can be physically harmed and even killed for cursing or simply expressing pessimism. It might seem comical on the surface, but it carries a deep and important message that pure “good” doesn’t exist. If you go to the extreme on either side of the good-evil scale the consequences and results will be disastrous.

Likewise this episode contains a similar message about life and death, which Chris really symbolises. That message is simply that there is no life without death. And although death is unfair and it’s tragic and it’s heartbreaking, for every life lost there is another life being brought into the world.

Overall, season 6 is the first season of Charmed that I can categorically say has more aspects/episodes that I dislike than I like. Like all of these posts, it’s completely subjective, but I don’t really get this season in terms of it’s overall message or the character arcs. Although Charmed always follows a monster-of-the-week format season 6 feels more disjointed than usual and a lack of continuity. You can read more about my thoughts on season 6 and why it’s one of my least favourite seasons here. But I don’t want to end this post on a negative note, so what I will say is that season 6 definitely isn’t all bad. I admire the writers for taking on such a huge challenge with Chris’ plot, I appreciate the exploration of Phoebe’s relationship with Jason as the first “real” mature relationship she had without the interference of magic and just like season 5, this season has a much more “campish” vibe with a ton of light-hearted episodes like The Power of Three Blondes and Witchstock. But in between that there’s exploration of complex issues such as Leo’s absence from his family, Piper’s continuing dilemmas and struggles as a mother, Phoebe’s efforts to strike a balance between work, being a witch and having a social life, Paige’s dedication and perhaps over-investment in being a witch at the detriment of other aspects of her life, Leo’s darkness which is awoken by his fierce love as a father and Chris’ pent up resentment, rage, grief and sadness due to decades of complex family history.

#charmed #mine #my meta #charmed meta #favecharmedeps #text post

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lotrewrite · 7 years

Text

As a comment on the general theme of the moral greyness/quandary of time travel and changing time I think at this stage since we have all the episodes now and can see what has progressed in terms of conversations/themes, we need to be careful about repetition (I mean this for all of us writers, and the people who volunteered to beta). I’ve seen in crop up in a few episodes, so I’ll think we’ll all have to be careful about over-discussion of this and other topics.

Also, a note to all writers, at some point are we dealing with/acknowledging the fallout from Rip’s actions in shooting everybody across time at the start of the season/trauma from being hunted/brainwashed/his actions whilst brainwashed? Not to mention we may need to insert Queen B in a few extra places, since she seems to disappear for multiple episodes at time, and pin down when exactly O!Len joins up with L!Len.

We also need to better balance the character attention since some episodes focus a lot on certain characters and then others get left behind overall (I think pretty much all of us have an unabashed Mick and/or Len bias lol). But these are all things that’ll get sorted out by the next draft. :-)

LOTREWRITE: Agreed on many points! We definitely have some repetition issues and need to hammer out how the character plotlines will develop. I think the only thing that I feel strongly about is that O!Len leaves to join L!Len in episode 16 (the maze) and returns in episode 18 (the republic) because the main purpose of him "leaving" is so that he can learn his lesson about how he's not actually as evil as the rest. (We definitely need more Queen B involvement - I think people ended up dropping her out because they weren't sure if we were using her or Merlyn or what.) Anyway - thank you for the comments! As always, very helpful and insightful!

Anywho:

Episode 13

- There’s a good contrast between Episode 11 and this episode, in that 11 was a quandary about changing something that would have a big effect, and 13 is changing something that would end up having no effect at all. It ties in well with the melancholic ending you’ve set up here – the Legends will be finding that there’s no perfect answer, no certainty, and this is the life they’ve chosen.

- Just a suggestion, maybe finish on a slightly more decisive note than just leaving the team kind of wallowing in their own uncertainty. Like Mick or someone says something like: “Well, maybe that’s why ‘Legends’ have always sounded more right than ‘heroes’.” It also ties in with Sara’s lessons in what it takes to be a captain, Ray’s lesson about what it means to be a true hero and all the messiness that comes with, etc…

- I like the premise overall, and that it’s a new setting entirely instead of the well-known ones that are usually represented (however badly – I’m looking at you, LOT S1 Ancient Egypt…)

- Good point on Ray not being automatically good at researching, that shit takes work

- I like this dark side of Rip (even though torture is bad ofc!!)

- Doesn’t Rip already know that Firestorm can transfuse things, so he wouldn’t be surprised?

- Although I do like seeing Firestorm use this ability, it’s seriously underutilised!

- Love Queen B and Amaya interacting, it’s gonna be so tense :-)

- Do we see Legion!Len’s reaction to Mick at any stage? :3

- I like the idea of Mick having to use his experience as Chronos to treat Rip (I like it on two fronts: firstly, in that it causes my favourite character angst, and two, it gives him a chance to face up to what happened to him and turn it into something useful/positive), although since it was Queen B who did the brainwashing we may need a bit of a handwave on Time Master technology vs magic technique (maybe Mick and Amaya work together on this?)

- I also like that people check in with him afterwards

- Could show a little bit of tension between Rip and the others – Rip because being un-brainwashed is unpleasant, and the others because although they’re glad to have him back, he did a lot of damage when he was under the influence of brainwashing – it also mirrors Mick in season 1 (and it parallels Len’s amputation/Sara’s shooting; both serious injuries)

- On that note I like your point about Rip ‘rejecting family-ish/team dynamic’ contrasting with Mick becoming more accepted/accepting

- Really melancholic ending, A+

- I like the way the Legends get Rip back, I like seeing the Legion concede the planning to Len, Queen B and Amaya potential drama, and the team’s interactions with Mick

- Nice work, thank you!

Episode 14

- Oh god I love this era. Can’t wait for this episode.

- Yep, I like that there’s a conflict in Rip without him realising it yet; he’s verbally relinquished control but still has the knee jerk reaction of needing to be the one who gives the orders. As a suggestion, if episode 13 progresses generally as was set out, you could have Sara still feeling the aftershocks of the uncertainty of the mission and the morals from that episode, and is looking for clean answers, which Rip professes to be able to provide, as someone with more experience. So he says he’s got a plan, and Sara agrees to follow it. He’s offering under the guise of friendship and altruism, but subconsciously he just wants to find his footing again after the Legion awfulness and the role of captain/leader is all he knows.

- I cannot wait for everybody dressed up in Tudor gear. This is gonna be awesome. I can only hope there will be fanart.

- What’s their cover story/way of getting into court? They might be able to sneak in, but going unnoticed might be more difficult given the fact that all those nobles are all basically interrelated lol.

- Maybe at first they could sneak in during a masque! Henry threw those all time, especially when he was trying to impress Anne. And that gives us awesome costumes. Or they can claim to be French relatives of some noble or something, since France was all in fashion then.

- Speaking of, as a suggestion, instead of placing it at a time when Henry and Anne are about to get married perhaps place it at the start of their courtship, making the prospect that Henry will lose interest more easily if Anne and he quarrel since he’ll still have wandering eye syndrome and won’t have been sucked into his creepy version of courting just yet. This makes his attentions to Sara much more pressing, since they can see time already changing the longer the courtship remains uninitiated.

- On that note, whoo boy, Sara is gonna have a helluva time getting him to stop sniffing around her once he’s got the scent.

- Personally I think there’s a line to tread between reminding Rip of the good he’s done and accidentally just enabling his behaviour. There were so many moments in S1 I felt could’ve been improved by Rip just clearly saying ‘I’m sorry, I screwed up, and I’ve learned something from this’ – but instead he reiterates his mission or his lost loved ones and goes doe-eyed and teary and says something like ‘So you see, this is why it’s so important blah blah blah’…he never really says sorry, or at least without adding something on to lessen the blame against him. So I’d like Rip to have an epiphany, and Stein and Ray there to not so much remind him of the good he’s done, but the good he’s capable of doing, if he works with them and understands what it means to truly be part of a team, because that’s what they’ve had to learn too.

- That bit with Legion!Len, Mick, and Oculus!Len is really really really good, I like that a lot

- I can see Mick shaking his head and just being a bit sick of it all at that point, constantly seeing Len everywhere – yeah, he’d wanna burn something

- Frikking love that ending.

- I really like this episode and I’m looking forward to it!

Episode 15

- Oh man I love Hex, I like the idea of opening with him

- I like the suggestion that L!Rip visited him earlier so Hex reacts badly – I think this does several things: 1) it shows that L!Rip wasn’t just hanging out with the Legion, he was an active member while brainwashed and he might not necessarily remember everything he’d done whilst under the influence 2) It gives Hex a good reason to give his friend (whoever it was) the spear piece, once he clicked that L!Rip was evil and looking for it, which leads into 3) it wasn’t just the Legends being unlucky with their timing, there’s a reason they visited Hex and now there’s a lead on reason for why they’re going to NYC

- Good link up with Stein and Lily and his motivation for taking the spear piece for himself

- I cannot wait to see the individual reactions of the team when they’re searching a brothel

- I like the idea of seeing Lily again, she was a pretty cool character and we could always use more women. Also the next episode uses Lily throughout, I’d consider working her into the episode somehow? She could always stay on the ship while the actual riots are ongoing and help coordinate efforts

- I adore the idea of Carter showing up in a past life (but just mind the Irish brogue part…Hollywood has corrupted our accents, as they’ve done with so much. If you want help with the Irish accent/slang part – since dialects differ from suburb to suburb, never mind county – just hit me up, I’m Irish).

- I really like scene 4, very heartache-y.

- Good build up to the riot

- Great interaction between Legion members (nice throwaway line about Merlyn!!)

- I like how Carter seems like less of a dick in this (I confess, I never really liked his character)

- Great escalation to the riot, and showing how easy it is to start and how difficult it is to finish

- Love the show of strength from the neighbourhood, being directed by Mick and Carter

- I like the moments with Ray in this episode – seeing all kinds of heroism, and getting through his residual feelings for Kendra

- I like the ideas for conversations between the crew you’ve had in scene 13

- Overall this episode builds up really well, though from the outline it wasn’t clear what the actual ending of the episode was (I’m sure we’ll see that next round!)

- Thanks!

Episode 16

- I love the idea of this episode

- With Lily, we may need to look at the previous episode to work in a conversation about how she’s an aberration and Stein makes a mess of the explanation, so that she’s still annoyed and upset with him in this episode – Stein’s learned a few lessons along the way, so ‘she’ll get over it’ will probably be said in a pessimistic tone of voice, instead of a dismissive tone

- Some of the characters’ reactions don’t mesh well with what we know now having seen all the episodes together – Ray has already seen lots of kinds of heroism and Rip is learning how to gracefully let Sara take the lead. So instead of being sulky, perhaps they’re willingly staying on the ship? Ray is still trying to figure out how best to be his kind of hero and Rip will be reacting against his instinct to take the reins and will want to give Sara room to work.

LOTREWRITE: This is definitely something we should discuss - depending on where they are in their story arcs, they could be in the middle of the learning process or they could be rejecting the learning process (i.e. depressed at not getting to the end result they want fast enough) But hey, that's why we did draft outlines!

- Love the idea of the hosts obnoxiously reciting the titles!

- I think there’ll be a line to tread between Stein’s development earlier on in the series and this one where he seems to fall back into his privilege/arrogance – maybe play up the Lily+Stein relationship here as his reason? (i.e. he knows the team can take care of themselves, but now his daughter’s safety is on the line and he won’t trust anyone but himself to lead them to victory – which leads to him saying some hurtful/obnoxious things)

- Monty Python reference, love it!!!

- The way Sara, Lily, and Queen B escape is actually so hilarious to me

- I love the idea of a grudging truce between Queen B and the others

- I love trial 4 interactions in particular (small typo lists two trial 4s, I mean the first one)

- Flash museum reference, thank you

- I love the idea of meeting future incarnations of the personas (CC, Heatstroke, MM), but did you mean that they’re actually the police? Is this a comics thing? I’m not sure about the way they’re introduced, it’s a little confusing

LOTREWRITE: I think in the comics they are actually some sort of organized police-ish force? It can definitely be made more clear.

- Good move with Stein and his humble pie, and the Legion abandoning Len

- “What is Batman’s real name?” nice

- (And in my head I immediately heard Mick say: “Who the hell is Batman?”, since I don’t think we have a canonical Batman yet, aside from S1 Rip saying vaguely “I’ve seen dark knights fall and men of steel something something…”? lol)

- I can very much imagine O!Len being disgusted by a cop CC

- I sense that this episode has the potential to be very confusing and could stretch out as quite long, so we’ll have to keep our eye on the pace and editing of it (but that’s what betas and proof readers are for!) - I’d suggest a magic number of three trials before the big finale, just to mind the pace a bit.

- Overall it’s a mega fun, filled with potential episode and I’m really looking forward to it

- Thanks!

Episode 17

- I can’t express how delightful the image of the team taking Jax out for his birthday is to me, especially a team member accidentally flirting with his mother omg

- I have no ideas for potential girl character Jax gets talking to, but I definitely think it should be an Easter egg or something

- I know the Legion are the bad guys, but in honesty the torture scene is just a bit jarring to me, unless we specify who it is – maybe a former Time Master turned Time Pirate that the Legion are interrogating for intel on potential spear pieces? Merlyn always struck me as the resident sadist, I never really thought that Dahrk could be bothered what with his magic, and Queen B can just brainwash people into telling her what she needs.

LOTREWRITE: This is a good point, though I think it might work best if we seeded more references to their cruelty and sadism earlier it would work better than watering the scene down now - Darhk certainly likes killing people just because (in canon it was actually Merlyn who kept trying to make him choose NON-murder alternatives, such as in their bank heist scene), Queen B we can characterize at will, and we know Eobard's a cold-hearted psychopath, so if we play up some of those traits, we can definitely set it up well.

- I can see the Legion turning on Len at the drop of a hat though, yeah, and I like the image of Len running for his life from his former allies

- Oh my gosh they made Jax a cake

- Dibs on Mick making it since he likes sweets so much (“Dude! You made this?” “It was from a box. Don’t get emotional about it.”)

- I love how the Legends are actually having quite a peaceful, happy time of it – meanwhile, the Legion are undergoing civil war lol

- DUN DUN DUN ending indeed!!!

This is getting kind of long again so I’ll cap it and continue onto the next and final part of my commentary, which I’ll get done today or tomorrow. Hope this was okay and I’m not stepping on anybody’s toes or anything. Thanks for all your hard work!!

#commentary #submission #episode 13 #episode 14 #episode 15 #episode 16 #episode 17

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etoilesdephan · 7 years

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Ubi sunt qui ante nos fuerunt? (Chapter 8: Efferno)

Chapter masterpost

Chapter words: almost 3.5k!!!

Overall words: 20.5k

Read it on ao3!

Trigger warning: Dissociation, Sexual abuse/Non-con elements, homophobic slurs, general slurs, blood, violence!!!!!!

FOR THE SAKE OF THE PEOPLE WHO MAY BE UNABLE TO READ THIS CHAPTER DUE TO THE AMOUNT OF TRIGGERS IN IT: I will write a basic summary of the fic at the end of this chapter, so if you'd prefer to avoid any of the aforementioned themes but still know what happened in this chapter, scroll to the bottom of this chapter for the summary <3

He was floating.

His head was full of the medication that they had put him on and it was the closest to peace and inebriation that he had felt in what felt like an eternity. And perhaps he had been there for millenias, because there was no sense of time inside his skull, his movements felt foreign and the lights and sounds were just a jumbled mess that he was swimming through.

His chest felt too light and too heavy at the same time, his breathing felt too shallow, his thoughts were snails and he closed his eyes, unaware of the voice addressing him.

The next time he came to it again, it was a lot dimmer and his mouth was too dry. Grunting a little, his muscles sore, he turned over and it was then that the steps resonated in his mind and he looked up. A man in medical clothing was surveying him while Dan pushed himself upright, a little uncertain in his movements.

‘’What…’’ He began to question, but he didn’t finish, the memories returning quite swiftly. ‘’Panic--’’

‘’-- Attack, that is correct, how are you feeling now?’’ The man who Dan assumed to be prison’s local doctor took over the conversation with ease, bringing out a small light that was soon shone into Dan’s eyes and he felt the sting of the sudden change of brightness but it was gone before he could fully comprehend it.

‘’Fine. Sore…?’’ His response was automatic, voice as void of emotion as was his whole being. There was faintness in the muscles and he didn’t even bother attempting to push his hair aside though a particularly long curl was starting to fall into his eyes by now. His scalp ached faintly, but he didn’t question it, too familiar with his panic response and the tendency to pull at his hair subconsciously.

It had been so long since the last panic attack where he had blacked out or had required medicine to calm him down. Usually there was a pair of hands, a soothing voice, light touches that would grow to be a full on embrace and lithe fingers drawing calming circles on his spine. There would be the familiarity of the surroundings and the actual issue at hand would be something minor; usually a combination of things piling up for far too many months finally tipping over.

It had been forever since the last time he had felt like he was a prisoner of his own flesh, his soul screeching on the inside and filling his own head with noise for nobody else to ever hear.

It had been so long since he had felt that pulling himself physically apart would remedy the chaos.

‘’Do you feel like you can walk, return to your cell for the night?’’ he barely registered the question, but nodded, accepting the cup of water that had been offered to him and emptying it quickly, a cold dribble running down his chin and neck with some of the spilled droplets.

It was before he knew it that he was back in the cell, and the silence was heavy, a little awkwardness hanging in the air. Dan, however, was used to it by now.

It always felt like his cellmates weren't saying something.

======

The calls and visits came and went, his parents and, eventually his brother, visiting. They worried, at first out loud, then - quietly, though Dan could see right through their calm and casual questions and attempts at small talk that involved bringing Dan up to date with random entertainment happenings and life things.

Lesters and others arrived, explaining the damage control done and the things that they had done to mend the mess that the media had caused. He politely responded and thanked accordingly.

He made calls, as always; it was a tradition that he nor wished nor dared to break. It was one of those moments of being in control, pressing the buttons, before it was all gone and he had to hope for the best when the voice on the other side spoke, most of the time - in Martyn's persona.

April had bled into May and May was wrapping up with ease. Dan, however, was all the same.

Bruises painted his body. Stoic or trained expressions kept his features exercised. Work kept him busy.

Nightmares were an earned punishment still, having exceeded most of the bloody shock, now lingering in every dream to taint the fondest of memories and the calmest of nights with a sudden change. The few times of pure blackness were a blessing that he didn't dare to appreciate consciously, were they to be taken away from him just like everything else he held close.

=====

“Hey fag, get out of my spot,” There was laughter and he would have squirmed at the slur if he hadn't yet gotten accustomed to hearing it.

Though a lot of damage was done outside the prison, Dan had soon become aware that as much had been done on the inside of it, too.

It had been a passing hiss in his direction when someone shoved him in the hallways (A form of violence that was the most popular, due to the easy nature to defend against any accusations if a guard was to notice it). It was the looks some of the men gave him in the showers, and the snickering about how he probably was getting off to what he saw there. It was how they went out of their way to make his life harder, pushing him out of familiar places and knocking things out of his reach.

Having lost his already non-existent appetite, he pushed up from his seat and emptied his tray in the trash, feeling eyes on him and noticed the few men speaking in something that sounded like mockery.

Dan, however, had grown numb to it. Just like the knuckles had hurt at first, so did the words, but soon enough it had become enough of a routine for him to just zone out or to let them sink so deep that they were buried in the void of his being. He zoned out of his own mind and body, just moving through the days with a trained facade of expressions, responses and movements.

Days and nights blurred together with ease at those moments, but Dan found solitude in that disconnection from the reality.

=====

“Happy birthday, honey,” She was as gentle as ever with her greetings, the genuine greeting mixing with the worried nature of the mother when they met a day after the 11th day of June had rolled around and disappeared into the blur of the days. Dan regarded her warmly, though there was a certain emptiness in his dark gaze and the smile didn't quite reach anything else but his lips.

“Thanks, mum,” He said as fondly as he could muster and his eyes trailed over to the next face. When did his father age so much? Dan couldn't remember seeing the creeping greyness in the man's hair before.

When did his brother become so holed up? They hadn't been super open to each other, but it felt like it had expanded from a lack of talking between the brothers to a coldness between his family members. Though they never said a word about it, he could see it, and there was a part of him, a jumbled mess of emotions that worried, that was angry, at them, at himself, at the law and situation. A part of him felt so helpless that his mind was beginning to slip again and the picture before his eyes felt less and less real with every passing moment but he clung to the reality with the remains of his will.

“How's grandma?” He tried to steer the conversation into a more familiar direction, to try and find some familial love still, to see that his mistakes hadn't tainted his whole family as terribly as he felt it had.

“She's well, and sending all of her love,” His mum began to speak, before Adrian budged in, a light laugh escaping the younger brother's lips “Keeps going on how she would kick all of the judges for throwing you in the harm's way. I think she would actually slap the lawyer if she'd ever meet him face to face again.”

Warmth poured into his bones a little and he leaned slightly closer to his brother, finding what he had been looking for, even if only a little bit of it ''Look out, grandma might actually pull out grandpa's hunting shotgun to go after them at this rate.''

Thankfully, his weak attempt to joke was well received and the air eased a little, the reality remained. His emotions, however, began to pressure his chest and the knot in his throat was becoming more prominent.

It was before the meeting was even over that he had slipped back into the familiar blurry fog again.

======

There were some rare rays of sun flooding in through the window as Dan was scrubbing away at the shower floor, the action robotic in his weakened muscles, and it took a light jab at his ribs to finally realise that his inmate was trying to get his attention.

“You sure are absent-minded,” Rudy commented and that Cheshire-like smile was still gracing his lips, the pearl-whites clear in Dan's line of vision.

“What do you want?” He asked, and through it all he tried to look natural, rolling his eyes though the action made him feel unwell.

There was a certain degree of kinship that he had found in the odd prisoner. Though they failed to have proper communication, Rudy had still remained the one constant person in Dan's prison life that wasn't threatening, even through all the trouble. Sure, their conversation was usually very one-sided, Rudy rambling away about whatever was on his mind, jumping topics quicker than Dan could follow even if he tried and with Dan just listening, only nodding briefly once in awhile.

It was almost like he had a friend, though he didn't dare to call their kinship anything remotely close to that.

“A rug?” There was a lingering edge of laughter in the other man's voice, one that always seemed eerie to Dan but he had learned to accept it over the months.

“Can't you get it yourself?” Dan moved the mop as if to say I am kind of preoccupied here right now only to receive an unintelligible mutter back from the other man and Dan's lips bowed a little in a vague reminiscence of a smile. There was a kind of comfort in the minimal banter, and though it was a painful reminder of a fading voice, he still liked to imagine that it was Phil and not Rudy who turned the corner when Rudy found no rug in the cart and retreated to the supply cabinet. That the mop of black hair was not of a vaguely familiar persona but of someone he truly still loved.

He knew that Phil would never land himself locked behind the bars though. Though not exactly the angel that their fans had used to paint him, Dan knew that Phil was a good person and his mistakes were never quite as bad as Dan's.

A faint sigh fell from his lips and Dan turned back to his work, scrubbing at the floor and letting his mind wander off.

The last he had heard, there'd been no change, they said.

But there /had/ been a change, and it was in the voice that he had heard through the receiver; it was the sound of someone beginning to lose hope. Someone who struggled to stay positive and who was slowly starting to accept the worst probable outcome.

Dan had succumbed to tears that night. They hadn't fallen for a while, he couldn't will them to, but it took that little waver in Martyn's tone to tip Dan, and his pillow had still been moist in the morning when he woke up.

By now he had returned to that numb state, where he liked to think that nothing truly bothered him. Where a large gap had formed between him and the other inmates, enough to keep him safe, even if safety was a fake term, and the bruises on his skin were as fresh as those on his soul from the harsh words spoken.

There were silent steps behind him and Dan assumed Rudy's return, not bothering to turn around as he continued to scrub at an annoying spot on the floor, determined to at least succeed at this single task given to him today.

It took him a moment though, to realise that there was none of the usual muttering, and instead there were eyes on him.

“Can you stop staring?” He asked, turning to look over at the other man, but instead of meeting that Cheshire grin, he was met with the squared features of the man he'd come to learn was named Stanley. The same one whose knuckles he knew too well, whose voice was poisonous and thick, the same one who was usually there with his pals, but now stood too close to Dan on his own, yet no less threatening.

“Heard you like dick,” Though not a something that he hadn't heard before, Dan still felt a threat in the words and he gripped the mop tighter, holding it close to his body as if it could keep him safe.

“Bet you miss it, too,” Stanley took a step forward and, instinctively, Dan took one back. Though jokes were common, nobody had ever made Dan feel this threatened. The burning power and an unwelcome desire in the eyes that made Dan want to either hurl or run.

It was another step back that he realised that he was trapped against the corner of the showers, and for the first time in his stay in the prison, he truly missed Rudy's presence. “I have work to do,” He tried to tell the man off without a profanity in his mouth, a small part of him afraid to trigger the usual violence that he had come to accept, because something told him that it wouldn't be the only thing on the line now.

His words, however, were completely ignored and Dan felt trapped against the tiled corner when the man came too close. His frame was too large and seemed too immovable; it was like being trapped in a room with the walls closing in on him.

It was when the other leaned in too close, that Dan finally reacted, shoving the mop forward and using it as a leverage to push the other man away “Get OFF,” his throat felt raw as the anger bubbled up from within finally, so carefully buried for the past months, suddenly breaking through that numb facade.

His world faded to black then, for a moment, when a heavy fist collided with his face forcefully, and his knees buckled, ready to fall. But he never hit the floor, and instead he felt the tight grip on the front of his sweater, the fabric cutting into the sides of his neck painfully and he groaned, both in pain and the dizziness that was ringing in his head from the earlier impact. His temple was pulsing and he could already imagine the bruise that would soon appear on his skin, now visible to everyone.

“You really don't learn, do you? Fucking pain slut,” and before he knew it, he was yanked away from the wall only for his face to collide with the cool tiles soon after, body turned around, his cheek pressed flat against the tiles as his teeth clattered together painfully, the sound echoing inside his head unpleasantly. He felt the other man's body forced up close against his back, pinning him to the spot and there was that poisonously dripping tone hissing right into his ear again “How about I fuck that ass of yours, maybe you'll become more obedient when you've finally got a taste of a dick again, hm? I bet your stupid little boyfriend couldn't satisfy you enough.”

There were hands, foreign, rough and so very big, on his body, trailing over his sides, his hips. There was breath, hot and wet against the back of his neck.

He hated it.

So many memories had been tainted by his own mind with the help of the nightmares, now life had thrown in a real life reminder of how the sweetest moments could be turned sour so easily. How the things he associated with trust, love and gentleness could be ripped away from him so easily.

The hands were offending, groping around, having a taste of what could not be had so easily.

It was a moment of complete dread when Dan realised that a certain tightness against his body wasn't just the muscles pinning him down and instead there was a bulging in Stanley's pants that the other was too keen to press close against Dan, searching relief. Instantly, he squirmed, hands grabbing at everything that he could, and he dug his nails into the other man's thigh as tightly as he could when it was the only thing that he could grab onto.

There was a hiss of pain and the grip weakened for a moment, allowing Dan to draw in a breath.

He had to scream. He had to call for anyone to not let this happen.

Of all the things.

They could hit him. Call him names.

But he was not ready to give away the remains of his already fading dignity.

It was only a brief sound that he managed to make though, before a hand was clasped over his mouth and nose and his breath caught, eyes wide, and he tried to struggle when he felt the tug at his pants, the fairly loose fabric giving in easily.

He whimpered, breathlessly, against the hand, the lack of oxygen leaving him grasping around frantically for anything that he could use to free himself.

The feeling of hot, rigidly hard flesh against his glutes was not welcome and Dan's heart was going nuts, both, from the lack of oxygen and the absolute panic. He tried to push his hands against the wall, to try and leverage the much bigger man off from himself.

He felt too exposed, too vulnerable and he hated it and it pounded in his head with the bubbling mixture of anger and fright.

There was another hiss as their bodies came closer, but instead of dissatisfaction, Dan realised, it was one of pleasure, and a cold shiver ran down his back.

This couldn't be happening. So many things had been stripped from him, but he'd never expected that this would be part of the price that he would have to pay--

Suddenly, Stanley's loud yelling filled the showers, echoing painfully against the walls and the inside of Dan's pulsing head when the first initial sound had begun right next to his ear. But there was a blessing in the sound, too, because suddenly Stanley was pulled away, and his screeching swears were pronounced in, what seemed, pain.

Dan quickly pulled his at his trousers to pull them back on and turned to witness a scene that he'd only expected in some weird horror and thriller mix. Rudy had leapt on Stanley's back, arms around the large man, nails digging into Stanley's chest and his teeth had sunk into the taller man's shoulder.

He could see blood spilling from where the skin gave into the pressure of the teeth, and it made Dan freeze for a moment before Stanley backed into a wall, attempting to get rid of the smaller man attached to his back. It was when a pained yelp escaped Rudy's lips that the cold shiver was exchanged by the hot red flash that ran through Dan's body and suddenly his mind was blank.

There was only one thought.

And it was to hurt the man in front of him. For what he had done. For what he had attempted to do. For what he had said.

He launched forward, fists hitting everywhere they could reach, feeling the returned blows but numb to the pain, though his vision was losing clarity with every impact that sharply shot through his body, unnoticed by the rage-filled brain.

He didn't even realise when several guards had ran into the room, pulling the three men apart, and it was soon that Dan was thrown against the floor and held down, a knee pressing into his lower back painfully. He didn't struggle anymore then though, the numerous hits finally starting to resonate, and he moaned, lowly, the pain shooting through the entirety of his body and landing somewhere in the centre of his head.

It hurt.

It hurt so much.

His face was wet when his consciousness faded once again.

=====

CHAPTER SUMMARY: After the panic attack in the previous chapter, Dan awakens in the medical side of the prison, but is soon released back to his cell.

Dan begins to dissociate, finding it the best way to deal with the fading days filled with not only being punched now but also with the other prisoners calling him homophobic slurs and making jokes related, as well as by pushing him out of the familiar places in the prison, such as not letting him calmly finish his food etc.

His birthday comes and goes, his family visits as soon as possible, but Dan notices that there seems to be some distance between his parents and brother that hadn't been there before. This makes him both, angry and sad, because he doesn't remember things getting this bad.

One day Dan finds himself at shower cleaning duty with Rudy. Too distracted, Dan doesn't realise that Rudy has been trying to get his attention. Soon enough he gains it but they don't find the rug that Rudy has been looking for and Rudy leaves to find one.

Left alone, Dan reminisces of Phil privately and doesn't react much when he hears someone coming into the shadows, thinking it's Rudy. It's not, and Stanley corners Dan and attempts to take advantage of him and Dan struggles to try and not let him do it.

Thankfully, Rudy comes to the rescue, attacking Stanley from behind and therefore freeing Dan.

Dan blanks out in anger and the three get in a fight until several guards pull them apart. Having suffered a lot of blows, Dan, once again, blacks out.

#myfanfic #phanfic #phanfiction #phanfic au #ubi sunt qui ante nos fuerunt #phandom

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owlways-and-forever · 6 years

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Hello, it’s your CS Secret Santa! I hope you’ve been having a pleasant few weeks and that all this Tumblr uproar hasn’t been too depressing! Don’t worry, you’ll still be getting your Secret Santa fic from me, even if I have to snail mail it to you! :D I’m with you on favorite types of fanfiction: it really depends on my mood. I also enjoy unplanned pregnancy fics! 1/7

I think it’s seeing Killian and Emma interact in the situation and the way that Killian always is able to break down her walls and convince her that he will be there for her and the baby that just makes me melt inside! I think my favorites are multi-chapter canon divergence AUs. I like seeing how all the different writers in the fandom think things could have gone differently based on one or two small changes to canon. I love writing AUs too! 2/7

I still haven’t really hit my stride with consistently writing fanfic, but I keep hoping that practice makes perfect. What other fandoms are you a part of ? I’m going to have to go read all your fics now! 😉 Are there any other tropes that you would prefer I steer clear of? Or any tropes that you just absolutely love and I should try to include? I will tell you upfront that I’m not personally comfortable writing smut, so I’m sorry but I’ll probably leave that part to your imagination. 😉 3/7

My family has always had a tradition of putting up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving, so that kind of marks the beginning of Christmas music and movies and general festivities for us! And it is nice to get a whole month of Christmas joyfulness to help with the greyness of winter. Ick! Unless you like winter, which in that case, more power to ya! You’ll have to tell me more about your family traditions after all the secrecy is over! 4/7

My husband is third generation Czech so his family also does some traditional recipes around the holidays (mainly desserts!) and I’ve always been envious of families who have held onto their special roots like that! I love cooking and baking too, so I’d love to eventually hear what kinds of food you usually make! Does your family usually do big parties/get-togethers for the holidays? Or do you tend to be more laid back and kind of low-key?I would love including some Aladdin and Jasmine! 5/7

They were honestly one of the only good parts of season six in my mind! I just wasn’t a big fan of the overall writing by the point. Which was sad, but what can you do… Did you watch the whole show or was there a point where you stopped? I stopped watching live after the first half of season 5 and then just watched on Netflix. And I never watched season 7. Did you have a favorite season and least favorite season? Haha, I know exactly what you mean about Snow and Charming. 6/7

Actually, I still consider them two of my favorite characters, but their actions and characterization in the back half of the show is just… yeesh. You also perfectly put into words exactly what I’ve felt about their idealistic look on relationships! I’ve never been able to express that very well before, but just yes to all of what you said!I hope you got all those asks and Tumblr didn’t screw it all up!!! But either way, talk to you again soon! 7/7

Hello Santa! I’ve missed you! I’ve been having an alright week, nothing terribly exciting going on. I’m not too worried about the tumblr nonsense. I mean, I don’t like it and I don’t agree with it by any means, but I understand what they’re trying to do, and how difficult it can be to execute. I know there will be mistakes and it will be a bother, and I totally understand people wanting to leave, but I’m sticking around, at least for a while. But I’ve been on ao3 and ff.net for a while, so I’ll be keeping those up, and I’ll probably explore some additional accounts at some point. We’ll see.

Ugh, I’m totally with you! Killian convincing Emma that he wants to be around and be there for both of them is just too cute! It makes me all mushy. Also, I love seeing all the different names people come up with for their kids - names totally fascinate me in like a super nerdy way. Especially middle names. I think I’m very much in the minority of the fandom though with not liking Hope. Also, I see so much in fandom about their kids always being blonde and looking like Emma and just like… statistically speaking its not likely, and as a statistics person, that always bugs me. Like it’s fine if its just one kid, goodness knows that happens (both my parents have darker hair and I was white blonde as a baby and then blonde until I was an adult #towheadsunite). But when its like four kids and they’re all blonde the stats person in me gets very ruffled. I’m not sure I’ve read any mc canon divergence fics, but I always find them interesting. Mostly because I just find it’s not really a type of writing that I’m good at. The fun thing about AUs for me is that you get to world build, taking snippets from canon and snippets from the AU you’re fitting it into and make it this whole new thing. Say you’re writing a Pride & Prejudice AU, you get to pick parts of the plot that you like and twist them so it’s slightly different, and maybe you throw in some magic and see how that changes it. You get to choose what parts of Elizabeth Bennet’s personality Emma has, and what traits she brings over from canon Emma. And that’s just so much fun to me, to be able to create that way, and fit things just how you like them. But I find that when I’ve tried to write canon divergence I get too bogged down in the details - canonically, who was there and what had already happened and who knew what, and what magical abilities are there - and the story somehow gets lost in my brain. But I admire people who can write it, I think it shows phenomenal creativity to take a story and then run away with it and see how if you just change something small it can ripple out into the whole story. What are some of your favourite canon divergence stories?

I’m not consistent either. I try to at least write a little bit every day, but it always depends on what’s going on and how inspired I feel. I do have this excel thing where I keep track of how much I write for each of my WIPs each day, which I like. It helps me visually see the progress I’m making, and I’m definitely a visual person. The only other fandom I really write for is Harry Potter, but I like Doctor Who, West Wing, Downton Abbey. I think DW is really the only fandom of those. Honestly I watch way more shows than it ought to. I can’t think of any other specific tropes right now, either to include or avoid. Sorry, I know that’s not very helpful. I don’t mind not having any smut, I’m also not very comfortable writing it, and only selectively comfortable reading it.

Oooh, that’s a nice tradition! We always put our tree up kind of whenever we feel like it. I don’t know if my mom’s done hers yet, and my dad insists on waiting until the 12th so it’s the twelve days of christmas, no matter how many times I tell him that that’s not what that means. My roommate and I put our tree up last weekend though, so it’s all decorated now. We’re actually going to do a little “family photo” with the two of us and our pets tomorrow, which should be a riot. Haha, I do like winter! I love the cold bite in the air and the fairy lights everywhere and bundling up. And I especially love snow. It’s my favourite. But I’m also a January birthday, so I dont think I had much choice in liking winter.Oh my goodness, we do huge get togethers. Mostly just because our family is big. My mom has 8 siblings, and all but 2 are married, and then I have somewhere around 15 cousins, plus partners, so a normal holiday dinner for us is usually over 30 people. Thanksgiving is usually the biggest holiday for us, because somehow it’s worked out that that’s what most people can make it for. Christmas is still big, but less people travel for that, and I think it’ll probably continue to dwindle as cousins get married and stuff. This year will actually [probably] be the first year that I haven’t spent Christmas with my family, so it’s going to be a little weird for me. Boxing Day we typically go to my dad’s brother’s house, and I see his side of the family because they’re English. It’s always fun, and its usually the only time all year that I get to see them, but it’s also strange because I’m the only girl. It’s a more low-key day though, so generally if I need some quiet time I just grab a book and find a cozy spot. Last year was really nice though and two of my cousins and I stayed up super late and told stories and bonded. What kind of food is traditional for Czech christmases? I wonder if it’s similar to Polish food…

I definitely stopped watching live at some point in grad school, but I couldn’t tell you exactly when. It wasn’t really a conscious choice so much as just having a ton going on and not always being around to watch. I never watched s7 though. Once Emma and Killian were gone… well, I gave it a try, but I only got like 3 episodes in or something before I decided it wasn’t for me. Maybe one day I’ll go back and watch it, but I haven’t done a OUAT rewatch for a few years.I know that’s their fairytale story and everything and that’s kind of the point of them to some degree, to be that “ideal true love” but idk. I guess it just seems a bit garrish in the way that the other relationships really have to work for their happy ending. And snowing hits their bumps too, but… they kind of iron themselves out? One of the things that I liked about OUAT was that it was still fairytales, it was still fantastical, but it was realistic when it came to characters. They were broken, complicated, imperfect. The people themselves weren’t fairytale versions of anything. Except snowing. And from the perspective of being that fairytale ideal, they’re done well, of course, and I think that’s why people like them. But it’s so different from everyone else on the show.Anyway, that was a lot, but it was so wonderful talking to you! I hope we get to chat again soon! (Also sorry for not really asking any questions, but it’s nearly 1am now and WAY past my bedtime so I’m going to get some shut eye and then post this when I wake up.) Cheers!

#csss #cs secret santa #anonymous

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