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semiconducting · 4 years ago

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just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO

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delicioustrashlove · 4 years ago

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To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones. You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!! And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !! Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!! The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn. I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed. See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path . God bless <3 no angry im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer. Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

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sirenasinsib · 4 years ago

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Spider

If you Like it please don't for get to press that Reblog! its means a lot to me!

WOW I havent posted in a while, been working on my own stuff but here is some personal works. Expecet to see alot of content of Spider and Viper. Ive been playing a ton of Titanfall so im in that mood rigt now.

Fandom: Titanfall

Relatonship: Viper/OC Character

Warnings: Very long clocking in around 3260 Words! Explict language, canon violence, mutual pinging, build to relationship, and smut at the end!

He really didn't see why the ship was built to have a limited number of dorms. It was hard to find a spot and claim it as yours when it's already six members and their Titan, but the recent addition made it just a bit harder.

Spider, he was told, was to be dorming with him. Sloane and Ash were already in one room as was Ritcher and Kane, and he preferred to not have one of the other two males to be dorming with him, he saw how messy they kept theirs. Blisk's room was of course off limits. They were just about to take off when he heard a knock on the door before it slid open. Spider was there with only 2 duffle bags. She walked in quietly looking around the room.

The "kitchen" was towards the front of the room, right beside the entrance, a couch and TV opposite of it. Towards the back were two beds in opposite corners and lockers on both sides. The left side was noticeable more used with the bed sheets being almost completely off the bed, an extra locker that was slightly open due to the amount of tech it was holding. She took to the right side. Placing her duffle bags on the bed. Viper didn't focus on her as she moved around. He would have to just get used to another person in the room.

It was actually quite easy getting used to another person in the same room as him. The first week she slept with most of her gear on. The second week he noticed she would get up very early, earlier than Ash even, he didn't know where she went at the time, too busy trying to get more sleep before the day started. Hawk, his titan, told him later where Spider went. Often she went to the Titan hanger bay and got into her own Titan, JD.

She appears to be under stress. JD has stated that they are not used to working with others. He also stated that she fears word of her being with the Apex Predators might get out and someone from her past may try to capture her.

Hawk spoke into the link as he worked on one of her thrusters.

Is she that valuable of a member if she needs protection?

You were only a Predator if you had the skills. Needing protection meant you were weak.

Calculations suggest a 78% better performance in missions with the assistance of a Monarch Titan and Pilot. It is also easier to be assisted, that is a possible reason why they joined instead of remaining in hiding. They were on low ammo and power, yet we’re able to steal just enough from both Militia and IMC units without being caught.

It was one of their first real big missions after joining. They were to defend a couple of units going in to steal information and escort them out and to extraction. Spider had JD watch the back as she jumped from rooftop to rooftop calling out as well as distracting.

“Would be nice if I got some help! Got a Legion hiding with an Ion!”

Kane yelled over the comms. Viper was on the far side of the complex and was dealing with his own Titan, same with the others when he heard Spider speak up.

“On the way, can you distract them?”

“I’m in a fucking Scorch you bug! What do you think?!”

He spotted JD quickly running to the back of the area, halting slightly he guessed to pick up Spider before he started to hear the faint rattle of an electric charged XO-16.

“Enemy shields down! Kane?!”

He heard Kane laughing along with the roar of a Flame core activating and the sound of a Titan exploding.

“Enemy Legion down.”

Kane’s Titan spoke. Spider had to back up from a placement of Anti-Rodeo smoke when the Ion charged out with a vengeance. The monarch shot a few rockets and even an energy siphon before charging against the Ion. Then the radio filled with a hatch opening and a loud Metallic BAM.

“Systems restored. Enemy pilot down.”

JD spoke. They had executed a Titan, and stole its battery. That was smart and ballsy Viper thought.

“Both teams got the data! Time to go!”

Blisk yelled into the comms, the roar of his Predator Cannon in the background. Viper dashed to the location of his team to defend as the others followed suit. Ash, Spider, and Kane made it back to his location while Blisk, Sloane, and Ritcher made it to their spot. Viper took to the skies, circling the group as Kane to the front and the other two took to a side. They would have a long walk to evacuation as they kept the enemy off their back and made sure that the ground troops stayed together.

It was a long walk getting to extraction. They had to stop twice to make sure that they weren't followed and to give the ground troops rest since they didn't have a Titan. It was dark when they did their second stop deciding to rest a little before getting the last few miles in and getting off the planet.

"Spider, Viper, you're on first watch. Sloane, Ash, you’re next, one hour."

Blisk told them before finding a spot for his Titan to hunker down and both of them rest. Spider and Viper walked a bit away from the group before they found a spot. Spider hopped out of the Titan onto its hand as it lifted her up to the top of its chassis. She had a DMR in one hand with a ration bar in the other. Viper decided it would be a good time to eat as well.

They sat in silence save for the whir of both Titans. Occasionally Spider would grab her DMR and look into the forest, he didn't see why, the titans would pick up on anyone approaching faster than they would, unless it was cloaked units but he didn't say anything. The hour passed uneventfully and Ash and Solane soon came to take their spot. Spider got back into her Titan as Viper moved Hawk to a spot and the other pair went to their own.

"Viper? Can I ask you a favor?"

He turned from the blueprints for Hawk. Spider had grown more easy to get use to, she talked more. Sparred with the rest a few times. She seemed unsure right now.

He spoke "Depends."

"My arm, I need another hand or set of hands to fix the connections and make sure the rotators aren't getting any build up or are worn down."

He was surprised to find her asking for help, he seen the way she reacted to others touching it when not fighting.

"I wouldn't be asking if I didn't think you were capable, and I trust you a helluva lot more than the rest of the lot."

"Really, not very smart."

She gave a snort. "I seen the work you put on your Titan, as soon as you get this you're gonna do the same, besides, why purposely mess it up when I'm the one that keeps everyone's backs cleared."

It was quiet for a moment.

"Fine. Blueprints?"

She tossed a small flash drive to his hands as she turned her focus to getting her arm off. He saw out of the corner of his eye, she pressed a button before twisting and pulling off the arm and placed it on the desk before turning

"I'm going to get cleaned up, you know how to find me."

They were sparing. He would never admit it out loud but she was one of the hardest predators to fight against. Sloane had a pattern, Ash wasn't fluid, Kane was easy to get dizzy, Ritcher you just let him do all the hard work of runnin around, Blisk favored his right side, but Spider? She dodged another lock, ducking quickly and she slid up right beside him, their gear rubbing against each other before she backed up from another swing.

She was fast, graceful, and really fucking hard to hit. He had one more trick. He turned around and charged her, she sidestepped, just like he thought she would and quickly grabbed her arm, pulling her with and using his momentum to flip them as they landed on the ground. He placed his fist above her neck as the other held her arm.

“I won.”

She gave a quiet laugh before tapping her non trapped hand on his side, where the armor was weaker.

“More like a stalemate. Besides. . .”

He gave a small head tilt before suddenly her legs pushed against him, flipping him above her head. He let go of her arm, trying to stop himself from flipping. She quickly rounded and got above him, trapping both hands in her metal one as she placed her weight on his thighs, keeping from him lifting his legs to do the same.

“I won now.”

Ok so he may or may not be pinning for the skilled sniper sleeping in the same room as him, who can beat him in hand to hand combat, does not intrude into his space, while also being a helpful hand when it comes to modding Hawk, and she looks good. Viper gave a quiet groan at his thoughts as he let the water wash his sins off the wall before he turned off the water. Drying most of his hair before wrapping the towel around his shoulders and pulling on a pair of boxers. He stepped into the room he shared the person of his thoughts with. Spider was distracted, she had taken her DMR apart and cleaned it again. The jump to their next contracts always left her on edge. “How many times have you taken that apart now?” He asked as he pulled on his pilot gear. “In total or while you were in the shower?” She was being funny, noticing he was in there longer than usual. He shook his head but grinned.

“Ha ha very funny.”

“Huh really, am I getting better at jokes? But in reality probably not a good idea to use a lot of hot water, you know how the boss and Kane get when they cant basically melt their skin off. There are other ways to relax.” His brain short circuit, did she really mean?-No that's just his thoughts, Spider didn't seem like the type to get attached to coworkers, or offer to be a fuck buddy. He didn’t turn around to face her, rather not look at her and see if she was being serious, the mission wouldn't go right then. “Yeah I know it's called sleep.”

“Thats- “Five mins till we get to the drop, get your asses to your Titans!” Blisked yelled into the comms. Spider didn’t get a chance to finish what she was gonna say as Viper grabbed his weapons and the rest of his gear and rushed out the door, she followed suit.

He didn’t understand why he was sent on a solo mission, but he was told to for some reason, he guessed it was the fact no one knew his face, so he had to. He was ready to get back to being on the ship and rather deal with his personal issue then do another solo mission, he missed the small comfort of being assisted should things go south.

He walked into the room quietly, it being late on the ship, and set down his duffel bag. The room looked mostly the same, another Sniper had been added to Spider’s desk, while a few Titan parts were placed on his, most likely due to Spider, she often found bits he was needing to get. Her bed was surprisingly empty seeing how she wasn’t in the hanger and he saw no one in the training room when he passed by.

He looked to his bed, ready to sleep in his gear and deal with the pain later when he saw something in it. Spider was under the covers, wearing one of his shirts surprisingly and hugging his pillow. He turned not sure how to deal with her and decided to change. He heard the bed creak slightly as he changed and glanced back seeing Spider sit up.

“Sorry I didn’t know you were back and I- the room felt different- I had problems sleeping and . . .”

She rambled before stopping, looking down and fiddled with the blanket before placing her hands beside her to get up.

“I’ll get out of your way.”

“Spider.”

She paused and slowly looked up. He was close now, having changed.

“If you want . . . you can stay.”

He didn’t want to admit but sleeping sucked when he was alone on the mission, the room felt barren without her. He missed her presence in general.

“Oh-ok”

She went towards the wall of the bed, grabbing her pillow and placing his back in the process as he got in. She hugged the wall as he faced the outside and he could feel her tension and it got on his nerves. He flipped over after sometime and placed a hand on her waist and held her.

“Relax.”

She took a deep breath calming herself before the two slowly drifted to sleep. They woke up with her head tucked under his chin and her own arms wrapped around his waist. They didn't speak about sleeping together, but they didn't stop either. He didn't know what to call whatever they had, sleeping together but not actually sleeping together.

She was on a solo mission now. They needed someone who could go in and get close to the target without drawing attention. She volunteered actually. Pointing out that she still wasn't known as a Predator, and was an assassin before joining them. She got back two weeks later and immediately went to the med bay. The mission was successful but she had taken a few bullets, thankfully not in severe locations, removing glass shards, and trying to fix her arm.

She was in a foul mood and no one bothered her, well except him of course. He had snatched her gear, arm and helmet mainly, the visor was cracked, as he set out to fix the two as she recovered. Once released from the med bay she was to rest and given a few more weeks for the nanites to do their job.

He bothered her by watching movies, Top Gun and Edge of Tomorrow at least twice. Once healed she immediately went back to training, prepping her body after not having done so while healing. He joined her, bored out of his mind.

"-nd I snapped his arm in half."

She was talking about the mission as they spared. He stayed quiet letting her sort of vent before he blocked a swing from her.

"Taught the ass to don't even think about touching someone without asking."

She spoke of someone following her, harassing her, while on the mission. She had gotten somewhere quiet and out of view before she attacked him after he touched her. While he was pissed that someone touched her, the fact that she broke his arm made him satisfied. He gave a groan hearing what sounded like metal on metal.

His head was pounding yet he didn't even drink that much the night before. Spider was trying to be quiet, whipping up some food their bodies could handle while being slightly hungover. Eventually the noises stopped and he could tell lights were turned off. Cracking one eye open just a bit to see Spider in the kitchen eating whatever she made quietly, lost in her thoughts.

She was wearing one of his shirts again, he could see her shorts under the edge of his shirt but just barely. He looked away in his own thoughts before his eyes flicked back to her when she started moving. Bringing a bottle of water, medicine, and some food.

"Are you always looking out for everyone?"

She hummed a bit as he sat up before speaking.

"Guess it's just in my nature."

He gave a soft grunt as he was pushed onto the bed. Spider was quick to straddle him. She leaned down quickly, capturing his lips with hers and kissed hard. He kissed back just as hard as his hands grabbed her waist and head. He’s not sure how the make out session started. They were sparring again when it just got a little heated. OK more than a little, Spider had gained the upper hand and straddled his waist when he let out a tiny choked moan. She halted slightly, surprised by the noise before she moved but it felt like she purposely dragged her weight onto him more. Then they were hurrying back to their room, their gear quickly stripped away.

He was brought back to the present when Spider slowly kissed down his chest, her thumb flicking over a hardening nipple before kissing above his navel. She then tugged on his briefs, getting him to lift his hips as she pulled them off. Her hands felt along his thighs as she breathed over his cock. Slowly she gave the head a tiny kiss before giving a long lick on the underside. His breath was shaky but when she enveloped him with her mouth he let out a moan, his hands covering his face as she slowly bobbed up and down. Stopping at times to flatten her tongue on his head.

"Fuck." He groaned out.

Spider hummed, watching his reaction through her eyelashes. She continued before he started to pant harder, his hips slowly thrusting.

"Fuck-Spider-Ah!"

She quickly pulled off, her hand squeezing the base almost painfully keeping him for cumming. Slowly did he come from that high and she started to pump again. She crawled into his lap as she kept the slow pace, her other hand going to her cilt and rubbed lightly before slowly sliding a finger in. She matched her pumps, her finger sliding in as her hand went down. She continued even as she added a second and third. Once she felt stretched did she stop.

Viper's hands went to her waist as she held him and slowly slid down a tiny moan coming out as she bottomed out. Then she rose and slid back down, her pace slow. His hands gripping her waist tight. She leaned down quickly kissing him as a hand went into his hair as the other braced near his head, his own hands moving, one to her hair, the other to the small of her back.

The kisses were slow and sloppy, quiet pants came out between the kisses before Spider slowly increased her pace. They broke the kiss, letting their foreheads rest together. Quiet words spoken as the pleasure rose.

"Nnnn-Viper-ah-Viper!"

"Fu-ck-Spider!"

They came with a shout. Spider giving a few thrust before slamming down hard and stilling. Small shakes went through their bodies as they breathed. Spider made a quiet whine as she pulled off him, feeling slick dribble out onto them both. She ran her hand through his hair slowly before giving a quiet grunt.

"We need a shower."

"Is that an offer for round 2?"

He said with a grin causing a quiet laugh to escape her.

"Only if you promise to help clean up the mess."

"Deal."

#titanfall viper #Viper x OC #NSFT #Lemon #Sibby's Writing

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movedvalkyriesryde · 5 years ago

Text

Exhibition of Future Technologies - 3

Pairing: 40s!Bucky Barnes x enhanced!reader

Summary: Bucky meets the girl of his dreams the day before he ships out again and she holds a mystery about her that he can’t resist.

Warnings: violence i guess? like a building explodes so??? but thats it, exhaustion, swearing the usualllll, angst?

Word Count: 3,000ish

A/N: ive decided theres going to be four parts, this was meant to be the last but it took a life of its own as this story seems to be doing a lot but im accepting its fate

A/N 2: special shoutout to @mrwinterr for showing me the possibilities that this story had!!!

Masterlist

Previous - Next

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It had been a few weeks since everything had come to light for the couple. Everything was still new and had a pink hue to it between them, the subtle looks as they walked past each other, the stolen kisses hidden in the hallway, the late nights and early mornings sneaking home, it helped having teleportation powers with that one.

The pair had decided that it was best to keep their relationship a secret, it could risk the team finding out about Y/N’s powers if they told and she couldn’t have that, as much as she adored Bucky and was ultimately falling in love with him she couldn’t risk them finding out. She��d lost too many people to others finding out about their powers before.

Bucky understood, sort of. He wanted to scream from the rooftops that he’d found his Doll, he had wanted to run to Steve after their night together and tell him everything. But Bucky understood her fear, he saw how terrified she was when he found out about her powers, he wasn’t going to break her trust any time soon.

So when Steve and Sam questioned him the next morning on their run Bucky put on his best frown and tightened the string of his hoodie, avoiding eye contact.

“It wasn’t her,” he had muttered and sped his pace. His friends looked at each other before following close behind. They stopped at the top of a hill to catch their breath and have some peace and quiet before they headed back, it was what they did most mornings on their run.

“You were so sure it was?” Sam said sitting next to Bucky on the grass. Bucky merely shrugged in response, he didn’t want to say too much in case he let something slip, he also thought his silence would be enough to convince them of his lie.

“Maybe they’re related? Distantly,” Steve sat on his other side and patted his shoulder with a tight but reassuring smile.

“Maybe, it’s still not her though,” Bucky tried to think about what he would have actually been like if it wasn’t her. He imagined the gut wrenching hurt he would have felt and tried to channel it in himself now in order to keep the lie alive.

Steve and Sam didn’t say anything more about the situation, they knew not to push Bucky, he would come to them if he needed to and he would be better in his own time. They let him stalk off into the compound as soon as they got back after mumbling something about skipping training today. They brought him lunch and dinner but never opened the door knowing he treasured his privacy when he got like this.

If they had they would have seen Bucky at his desk combing through his work like it was just another day. Or if Steve had opened the door when he went to check on Bucky on his way to bed instead of just knocking he would have seen Bucky and Y/N on his couch trying to stifle their laughter so no one could hear them. But Steve just asked through the door if Bucky needed anything and when Bucky replied with a muffled ‘’m fine, night Steve’, he walked off to his room worried about his friend.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was rare that the two spent any time together out of the compound, it was much harder for Bucky to sneak in and out than it was for her but sometimes the stars aligned and they found themselves at Y/N’s apartment where they could be as loud and affectionate as possible without the worry of someone walking in on them.

“Are you sure about this?” Y/N shook her hands to try and loosen herself up as Bucky stood in front of her expectantly, “you don’t have to do this Buck.”

“I want to help okay, and who better to test on than a super soldier,” he gave her that winning smirk that he knew made her putty in his hands and when she smiled back, he knew he had her.

“Okay, hold my wrists.”

Bucky did what he was told and grasped her wrists. He watched her take a deep breath before they both closed their eyes then Bucky felt...numb, but also like his skin was on fire? And it only lasted a couple seconds before everything felt normal again and he opened his eyes to see Y/N staring back at him. He looked around and noticed the change in scenery, they had just been in her room and were now standing in the middle of the kitchen, a short test she’d said, small distance to start with.

“How do you feel?” she asked hesitantly, Bucky was still holding her wrists, his grip had tightened slightly and he quickly let go.

“I uh, fine,” he beamed at her and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her into the air. “Doll you did it! I’m absolutely fine!”

Y/N told him it wasn’t a real experiment unless they wrote everything down so that’s what they did, she made him tell her every single thing he felt both physically and emotionally.

The next week they tried again, they made it to the roof. Bucky had made the mistake though of suggesting she at least tell Banner about her powers, Banner could help with her experiments better than he ever could, but Y/N quickly shot him down. She told him that this way she was in control of what was being tested of her and that’s how she wanted it to be kept. He didn’t say anything after that, just nodded like he understood. He did, apart from Wanda he was probably the only other person that could understand how much control over these experiments and her powers meant to her. But there was a lot less safety involved when it was just her and that’s what he didn’t like.

That was the last experiment they’d done. They’d both been busy with work and the time they did get together was hidden in the corners of the compound where no one would find them.

Though busy, it didn’t stop his friends from meddling. Once Bucky had come back out of his room and seemed to be back to his normal self, maybe even a little happier than before? Steve and Sam were trying to convince him to ask, and you’ll never believe this, Y/N on a date.

“It may not be the girl from ‘43 but come on Buck! You said it yourself, she looks just like her!” Steve had been pushing for Bucky to find someone who made him happy for a long time and he thought that Y/N was the perfect match, he may have had some hushed talks with Bruce about the matter as well.

“That’s a bit morbid getting him to date a girl because he went on a date with her grandma back in the day,” Sam scrunched up his face in disgust and Bucky snorted.

“You’re overthinking it Sam! This is fate kicking down the door Buck, you can’t tell me you don’t fancy her even a little. Bruce told me you’ve been visiting the lab more often!”

Okay so maybe Bucky was beginning to be less subtle about the whole ordeal that was his love life than he should have been. But can you blame him!! She was making modifications to a couple of drones and that shit fascinated Bucky! And also the fact that it gave him an excuse to be close to Y/N and stare at her with googly eyes when Banner wasn’t in the room but THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT.

“She doesn’t fancy me Steve, and I don’t fancy her. Just like learning about her robotics,” Bucky rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. Steve opened his mouth but before he could say anything FRIDAY interrupted him and every thought concerning Bucky’s love life was forgotten by all three men.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“You can’t possibly think he’s coming into the lab just because he’s interested in mechanical engineering can you?” Tony stared at Y/N like she’d grown two heads as he spoke. Tony, Y/N and Bruce had been discussing the frequent visitor to the lab over the past couple of weeks and Y/N was finding it more and more difficult to suppress the smug smile she so desperately wanted to give Tony when he talked about how Bucky had to have a crush on her if not be head over heels for her at this point.

The three were out to lunch in the middle of the city, as they often were on a Thursday, and were making their way back to the car when everything happened.

They heard it first, a loud boom seemed to come from all around them. Then they felt it, the ground beneath them shook slightly, Y/N felt the vibration through her body rising from her feet to her lungs and causing her stomach to drop. Then they looked up and they saw it. Tiny bits of glass started falling towards them, people were screaming and running in the opposite direction of the building in front of them.

Twenty stories up there had been an explosion that had blown out the entire side of that floor. They could see the smoke coming out of the now open building, they could see it swaying slightly from the aftermath.

Tony was the first to jump into action, he immediately activated his Iron Man suit and sent word to the compound for back up, giving orders to Bruce and Y/N to start getting people as far away from here as possible as he caught a long metal rod that was plummeting to the ground.

The pair jumped into action, Bruce started running in and out of surrounding buildings trying to clear them as Y/N helped those nearest to the accident get to safety.

There was another explosion, this time on the other side of the building. Y/N ran towards the entrance, she looked left and right looking for those injured that needed to be moved away immediately when she saw a group of elementary kids hiding behind a fountain.

“Are any of you hurt?” She ducked down in front of them, all of their eyes were wide and frightened as they shook their heads. “Good, grab me guys, come on I’m going to get you out of here.”

The group of kids all grab onto each other and her and she didn’t even think before she squeezed her eyes shut, opening them to see the children all looking amazed but still frightened as they realised they were no longer in the middle of the chaos and instead the middle of Central Park.

“Everyone okay?” Y/N asked and after getting a series of yes’s and thank you’s she was gone again, back to the chaos, not before telling them to contact their parents if they could and that she would be back.

It clicked then in Y/N’s brain that this was the best way to get people from the burning building out and to safety and so she kept going. She got the rest of the children first, they were all in uniform, they must have been on a field trip. She took them to the same location where the other children still were. Three trips and she noticed parents starting to turn up thankfully.

When Steve, Sam, Bucky, Natasha and Wanda turned up to the scene, Tony was already in the sky and had given them a quick briefing upon their arrival of what the situation was.

Ten men, all in black combat uniform and more explosions than Tony could count strapped to their bodies and being placed throughout the building. Sam was immediately in the sky. Natasha went to help Bruce clear the citizens and Steve and Bucky started running towards the entrance of the building. That’s when Bucky saw the familiar flash of light. The flash of white light that he saw most mornings when Y/N left and his brain went into panic mode.

“Buck come one!” Steve yelled out from the door, shield on his back as people ran past him.

Bucky caught Y/N’s eye as she came back into view, they both paused their movement before she gave him a small smile and a nod and then ran off towards an injured woman.

“Fuck my life,” he mumbled before running in after Steve.

It was getting harder the more trips she took. Y/N had never teleported with more than one other person before. This was a true test of her limits and she could feel her body losing the fight.

Most of the immediate area was clear now, all that was left were those that had initially refused to leave their homes or workplaces during the first explosion.

When Y/N arrived back to the front of the building she could no longer hold herself up with ease. Bucky had his eye out for her as soon as he was back in the lobby and running towards the entry/exit. He saw her go again with a man and women then come back and drop to her knees.

“Y//N!!” He yelled sprinting towards her. There was another boom that halted his movement by the fountain. Y/N stood up and watched Bucky run towards her, she started to move to meet him in the middle when she heard the boom and looked up at the building to see something large falling towards the ground, towards Bucky.

“BUCKY!” She called out to him, a wave of adrenaline rushing through her as she threw her arms around his neck and he held her waist. She squeezed her eyes shut and they disappeared just in time as the piece of building crashing into the ground where they had stood.

Steve saw Bucky and Y/N embrace in the middle of the courtyard. Then he saw a block of concrete fall right where they were after a flash of light. Steve screamed as he ran towards the rubble and threw whatever he could grab behind him in order to get to his friend. This was not how he would be losing his friend, he would not be losing his best friend again!

“I’m okay, Steve, I’m okay,” the rushed force came through the comms device in Steve’s ear and he swore he was hearing things until Sam responded.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT BUCKY?!?!?”

“Central Park, we’re at the Great Lawn with - holy shit - a lot of people that were in the middle of it all,” Bucky tried to catch his breath, he looked around at the massive group of people that were helping and comforting each other then at Y/N who was leaning all of her weight against him. “Doll I got you, fuck, stay with me okay. Steve, Sam, someone we medical service!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Previous - Next

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think and requests are open!

EoFT Taglist, or literally everyone that commented on it because I love all of you (and i copied this from part 2): @occasionalwritingsofmia @toasty-fish @chloesxworld @thiccstuxky @mrwinterr @jshtmblr

Permanent Taglist (OPEN): @starvinggaywriter @witch-of-letters @turquoisekokiri

Bucky Taglist (OPEN): @bxrnsfeyson

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x enhanced!reader #bucky au #bucky imagine #exhibition of future technologies #eoft

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valkyriesryde · 5 years ago

Text

Exhibition of Future Technologies - 3

Pairing: 40s!Bucky Barnes x enhanced!reader

Summary: Bucky meets the girl of his dreams the day before he ships out again and she holds a mystery about her that he can’t resist.

Warnings: violence i guess? like a building explodes so??? but thats it, exhaustion, swearing the usualllll, angst?

Word Count: 3,000ish

A/N: ive decided theres going to be four parts, this was meant to be the last but it took a life of its own as this story seems to be doing a lot but im accepting its fate

A/N 2: special shoutout to @mrwinterr for showing me the possibilities that this story had!!!

Masterlist

Series Masterlist - Previous - Next

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The pair had decided that it was best to keep their relationship a secret, it could risk the team finding out about Y/N’s powers if they told and she couldn’t have that, as much as she adored Bucky and was ultimately falling in love with him she couldn’t risk them finding out. She’d lost too many people to others finding out about their powers before.

So when Steve and Sam questioned him the next morning on their run Bucky put on his best frown and tightened the string of his hoodie, avoiding eye contact.

“Maybe they’re related? Distantly,” Steve sat on his other side and patted his shoulder with a tight but reassuring smile.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Are you sure about this?” Y/N shook her hands to try and loosen herself up as Bucky stood in front of her expectantly, “you don’t have to do this Buck.”

“I want to help okay, and who better to test on than a super soldier,” he gave her that winning smirk that he knew made her putty in his hands and when she smiled back, he knew he had her.

“Okay, hold my wrists.”

Bucky did what he was told and grasped her wrists. He watched her take a deep breath before they both closed their eyes then Bucky felt…numb, but also like his skin was on fire? And it only lasted a couple seconds before everything felt normal again and he opened his eyes to see Y/N staring back at him. He looked around and noticed the change in scenery, they had just been in her room and were now standing in the middle of the kitchen, a short test she’d said, small distance to start with.

“How do you feel?” she asked hesitantly, Bucky was still holding her wrists, his grip had tightened slightly and he quickly let go.

“I uh, fine,” he beamed at her and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her into the air. “Doll you did it! I’m absolutely fine!”

Y/N told him it wasn’t a real experiment unless they wrote everything down so that’s what they did, she made him tell her every single thing he felt both physically and emotionally.

That was the last experiment they’d done. They’d both been busy with work and the time they did get together was hidden in the corners of the compound where no one would find them.

“That’s a bit morbid getting him to date a girl because he went on a date with her grandma back in the day,” Sam scrunched up his face in disgust and Bucky snorted.

“You’re overthinking it Sam! This is fate kicking down the door Buck, you can’t tell me you don’t fancy her even a little. Bruce told me you’ve been visiting the lab more often!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The three were out to lunch in the middle of the city, as they often were on a Thursday, and were making their way back to the car when everything happened.

The pair jumped into action, Bruce started running in and out of surrounding buildings trying to clear them as Y/N helped those nearest to the accident get to safety.

When Steve, Sam, Bucky, Natasha and Wanda turned up to the scene, Tony was already in the sky and had given them a quick briefing upon their arrival of what the situation was.

“Buck come one!” Steve yelled out from the door, shield on his back as people ran past him.

Bucky caught Y/N’s eye as she came back into view, they both paused their movement before she gave him a small smile and a nod and then ran off towards an injured woman.

“Fuck my life,” he mumbled before running in after Steve.

It was getting harder the more trips she took. Y/N had never teleported with more than one other person before. This was a true test of her limits and she could feel her body losing the fight.

Most of the immediate area was clear now, all that was left were those that had initially refused to leave their homes or workplaces during the first explosion.

“I’m okay, Steve, I’m okay,” the rushed force came through the comms device in Steve’s ear and he swore he was hearing things until Sam responded.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT BUCKY?!?!?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Previous - Next

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think and requests are open!

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aestheticvoyage2019 · 6 years ago

Photo

Day 116: Friday April 26, 2019 - “Fishingmen”

Did not have much of a care in the world this day - not even a worry about catching a fish or not. Woke in the crisp fresh air of Greer, AZ with one job to do - find my compadres down a forest road, up the East Fork of the Little Colorado. Just three dudes with a whole day ahead; for retired, honest, Tom it was just another day in the office, and for Zach it was a day to share this special place from his childhood with us and for me, I was jsut happy and grateful to be there, my toes in my waders instead of my nose in a computer. Good. Fucking. Vibes.

I think more important than catching fish today, was learning that these places exist up here in the White Mountains in eastern Arizona. You could have tricked me that somehow Id driven all the way up into Colorado or Wyoming, especially as far out of the way I went last night - we were a long way from that red-dirt-rich canyon we’d all had shared just a week ago in Havasu. Here, the high elevation didnt hide the rolling hills, the crisp pines (both living and dead), and the thin air. This is Arizona?! Its been a few years since I actively fished, and Tom had to remind me how to tie a knot, a skill I didnt have to do once today! Thats how hard we hit it! A long way from those Salmon runs in WA where I was fishing every other weekend. I envisioned myself, stepping it back up again as I looked across the creek at my road-pop Tom all geared out, complete with net that was only lightly used today. Being a fisherman is something Ive long admitted, like golf, I dont have the patience or grace for. But maybe! While Zach and I ran back to Lazy Trout to get our one day license, Tom had secured some photographic proof that we were actually fishing today, with two quick trout...but thatd be it for all of us.

Admittedly, we didnt try all that hard. By 1130, and a rushing creek moving to fast, we agreed to break for lunch, and found it in town at the Rendezvous Cafe where I enjoyed the Cod and Soup special along with Green Bean Fries. I figured the chances of me eating a fish today were low, if I counted only on myself, and so took Ricardo up on the offer to bring me some battered Cod. After lunch, Tom and I tried to take one of the reservoirs for some lake fishing, trying the power bait over the night crawlers. We led each other all the way around that lake, and down a lava rocked slope, and through some marshy bogs, to get a couple casts in and quickly give up. Even the corn TP brought wouldnt do the trick today. We were snake bit. I felt a little bad that the Apache Trout had eluded my buddy, but grinned in knowing that would mean he’d have to come back and try again in a few months. The fish aint going anywhere, obviously.

We tried our hands in the creek a few more times. Admittedly I used most of this time to nap on the bank until it got to hot in my rubber pants. I had no beautiful fish to take a picture of and so the daffodils would do. Spring in the mountains. We chatted up Tom before he hit the road and said goodbye - as we hugged, I thought about where and how I might cross his road again, as the full timer rambles from here back to PA. As he drove off, Zach and I both commented on how he’s a stand out character and how we can both hope to have that kind of energy when we’re in our 60s; we’re not even at halftime yet!

As a good Friday off work turned to Friday night, Zach and I rolled to Molly Butlers Lodge in town to find some bourbon and burgers. Enjoyed each other’s company, out on the balcony of our cabin, until 2am sharing stories and philosophies. I really relate to this good man and loved hearing about and seeing his pictures of hiking in the Sierras. We first connected over a hike at Aravaipa and as we puffed a cigar together talking about cool places, I realized that as years go by, we’ll probably hit some of those together and I liked the idea of that.

Would it have made it a better day had I felt the thrill of setting a hook on a trout? Maybe.Maybe. Setting that dance in my waders, or tasting that fresh flesh of a fish I caught, is pretty memorable. But when we tell of the time, it wouldnt be about the fish as much as the fishing men. I got a sticker to throw on my Yeti, declaring without agenda, Id rather be in the White Mountains, knee deep in a mountain creek.

Song: Luke Bryan - Huntin, Fishin, Lovin Everyday.

Quote: “And so I learned what solitude really was. It was raw material - awesome, malleable, older than men or worlds or water. And it was merciless - for it let a man become precisely what he alone made of himself.” ― David James Duncan, The River Why

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years ago

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here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

#talking abt being nervous abt it has made me a bit more nervous abt it...im trying to simmer down...dont have to die just yet...But You Know #also i could.

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rhapsody-in-heaven · 3 years ago

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The Diary of Losing You

Day One

I cant believe it, never did we ever talk about breaking up before this .. and now all of a sudden its happening. I cant process it. I cant accept it. Sure, we’ve had fights but I never felt like they were toxic. We never got to that point - we weren’t even close to that point. Was I too stubborn? Did you not like that? Because no matter how much I begged and bargained - you kept telling me, it was over. That you didnt have to explain things to me but you were doing it out of courtesy. But its hard to accept - not only because it was so sudden but because you told me you still liked me - and god knows, i still like you. You told me, you couldnt change and you knew that about yourself and honestly, I kind of admire that. I havent had a lot of boyfriends but the first one I had to accept cuz he stopped liking me - the other two were long over by the time we broke up - there was resentment in our relationship but we didnt know how to let go - so we kept holding on - even when it got so toxic and even when it was obvious we were much better off without each other. But its still hard. Why don’t you think we’re worth a second chance. i didnt even think it was so bad that it needed to be classified as a second chance - just that we were still trying to figure out the kinks with the first one. Even when I told you that if the same situation happens even one more time, you could break up w me - even if it was two weeks later - i wouldnt complain. But you told me that in that case you would just break up with me two weeks later because for you, the relationship was already over. You didnt think we were worth a second chance and that hurts a lot. I spent hours begging you to reconsider - knowing that you wouldnt - but i still had to try. and then I spent hours after talking to two friends and crying my heart out to them. all i could think about was all the plans we made that would no longer come to pass. I questioned myself if I was missing the thing wed do together or miss you and yeah at that time i was grieving our breakup but grieving more the things that would no longer come to pass. Im used to seeing you once every three weeks but three weeks werent up yet and it still felt relatively normal i guess. but the fact that I also knew the sadness would hit when the three weeks were up also scared me. sleep was my solace - when i sleep, i dont need to think anymore. Day Two teaching as usual but then in the times i didnt have to actively teach - i could feel the tears forming in my eyes but its okay, i dont think anyone noticed. but then we had a break between classes and i started to talk to another friend and then i couldnt stop crying. crying so loud that my coteacher heard it and asked what was wrong, and of course needing to explain things out loud with my voice made it that much worse. I could pull myself together for when i was actually teaching the class but - i still miss everything about you. I had my sixth grade class and I was so happy. They were my worst class last year but they did so well on this exercise we thought they would have trouble with - and they did, but with some help they managed to finish, and they did well. The first person i wanted to talk to was you. I felt like all i ever did was complain in our relationship I really wanted to give you the good news. And you were nice enough that you listened to me, and told me that even before, just hearing from me was good news. and that felt incredibly bittersweet. before leaving school my coteacher told me to feel better but all i could think was that i missed you. I had dinner plans that night but they got cancelled - I called my cousin and he talked to me for hours just listening to me cry - and then talk about life - and listening to me cry again. He told me that you probably didnt like the way we communicated and decided to end it before it gets harder later on. I can respect that I said, but its too soon to call it quits - we never even tried. To him, I just wasnt worth trying. Day Three teaching kept me busy for most of the morning - i didnt have much time to think about you. but after lunch, the sadness began to manifest itself again. I dont think anyone noticed, or maybe they pretended not to. but I started to think back on the times before you moved away. Before we were long distance or even a couple. How you were so good to me. How you made me food. How you stayed with me when i was sad and i just have so many regrets I wasnt adquately able to tell you how i felt about you. How i was constantly unsure about myself but how when you did ask me out, you told me that it was okay that i didnt know - it was okay if i was never able to say i love you because you could feel that saying “love” signified a very strong emotion for me that i wasnt sure i ever felt before, and even with just me saying “like” you knew and could tell that my feelings for you were really deep. Why is it that you miss them so much more when theyre gone? Why do i feel like I shouldve treated you better i shouldve done more and thought of you more and expressed my feelings to you better. but hindsight is always 20/20. I went to pole and then to see my friends at night. we went to karaoke and at this point only one of the two friends knows because i didnt wanna ruin the birthday celebrations coming up of the one who didnt know. Well we were singing “payphone” and she said that we were singing it like someone had broken our hearts and all i could do was pretend to laugh. For the record, I dont think u broke my heart. or i dont blame you. i just wish things ended differently - i wish we were worth another shot in your mind. But all of this, is just wishful thinking. And i know that.

Day Four

its the weekend, and the day we celebrate her birthday. its a rainy day and somehow every little thing reminds me of you. I havent felt like this after a break up in a long time - im not sure if ive ever felt like this after a break up at all. My last two were long over before we ended things and the one before that was the definition of puppy love - sure i thought about him, and maybe its because its been so long but i dont remember every little thing reminding me of him. The rain reminds me of you. I saw a couple walking under an umbrella and remembered that you bought this hella big and expensive umbrella so that we could share it together in the rain. when I was at the aquarium all i could think about was how nice it would be if i was there with you. I saw a boat and i could just think about your job and how youre a shipbuilding engineer. Even looking at myself in the mirror, i thought about how you bought a jean jacket so we could match. I thought about the white tennis shoes we wanted to buy so we could match together when a friend mentioned she needed new white shoes. I thought of all the cute little cafes you took me to when we went to eat a cafe. my friend said she wanted to go to a marsh she saw in my photos - the very same one you took me to. we went to a coin karaoke place and the first time i ever went to one was with you. and sometimes i didnt need a reminder - my mind would just wander and i would remember things i didnt even know I remembered. the time when we fought about women in the workforce and your industry in the cafe and at the car. how when i asked if you were still mad at me you said that you wish you said “oh maybe i am a little bit, but ill make a lot of money and buy u a nice purse” to defuse the situation instead of getting mad. How our very first date lasted two nights and three days. How you couldnt spend my birthday w me but spent valentines w me the next day. The night you asked me to be your girlfriend - and how scared but also how happy i was. How you always took me to so many places. How i always could complain to you and you would always listen w patience - how i just wanted you back - how i wanted you to hold me and tell me it was a mistake - that you didnt really wanna break up w me that you thought about it and you wanna try again. but i also know, its wishful thinking and i know, that you wont come back to me. Day Five No plans. it’s still raining. No reason to go out. Can’t find the will to clean my apartment thats getting messier and dirtier by the day. I just want to lie in bed. I’ve been swiping on tinder and talking to some ppl - not to find a rebound but just to talk to people - to feel less - lonely? dejected? idk. but it doesnt really work - it feels like a lot of effort that I cant give. Were conversations always this hard? i feel like ours were so easy. And then i start to think again. all the promises we made. You said you would still try to be friends with me. Can we still do the little things? even before we went out you said u would take me skiing in the winter - is that still on? you told me you would buy me a hanbok - how about that? will you still take me? I keep asking why its over for you. why another chance will never happen. but the whole day, i just lie in bed. I cant bring myself to do anything. I keep searching up things like how long it should take to get over you - but at the same time im not sure i want to. Its not over for me yet even if its over for you. I guess, im feeling all the beginning stages of grief at once. Shock and Denial - i know its over - my head knows it - my head knows that you wont take me back or give us another go but my heart still has that false hope. my heart doesnt want to give you up. Guilt and Pain - well the pain is self explanatory but the guilt - i just keep wondering if this was my fault. if I was too unwilling to change - or didnt know i needed to change until i realized u were serious when you said you were thinking of breaking up w me - if i never said “how about we just never talk again” in anger and sadness, would we have gotten to this point? Anger and Bargaining - im not really angry - i mean i dont think this was your fault or mine but i guess i am kind of upset at the fact that you dont think we’re worth a second shot. anything we argued about, even if it spanned across a couple of days, has never come up again. and this was the first time this particular issue came up so why could we both make steps and amends to keep this from happening. are we both too stubborn? but i was willing and it felt like you werent. you told me that even ur past gfs have said that sometimes they didnt feel like they really had a choice and it wasnt just me. so im assuming that this is something youre eventually going to have to fix for yourself or you find a girl whos okay with that - but you also said you didnt want a gf or a wife that was like a doll who just agreed w everything you said. so this just means to me that youre not willing to try and change. honestly, if youre aware of it, it shouldnt be a hard fix but you already made up your mind that you werent going to do it. in reality i just wasnt the one you were willing to make those steps towards. and that is where my sadness and anger come from. now bargaining - im really willing to make changes and kind of the biggest testament i can give to that is that if we could be together again, i could quit that game ive been playing for 2 years cold turkey. For whatever reason, you never liked me playing that game and if it means i could have you back, i would gladly get rid of it. as for the other things - i promise i wont pressure to be with you longer cuz i know your tired - now i know youre tired. because you never told me before. Im sorry i dont like to lose arguments and i get defensive - i know i need to communicate better too. but i just really miss you and it kills me that we never even gave it a chance. yes, maybe youre right and things wont change and i know you think youre doing me a favour by ending this sooner rather than later but it kills me more that we never tried. Depression Loneliness and Reflection - self explanatory maybe im not fully in this stage yet but I do realize that the bargaining is not going to work even if i hope that it would. it isnt over to me and to be honest, im not sure i want to get over you yet, even tho i know i should. Day Six

a monday. i asked you yesterday if we could talk and you said you were busy. I’m sure even tho i know your answer, i will ask you today if you would reconsider. im sorry if this puts pressure on you but i think its also necessary that i know I at least tried for my own sanity instead of letting this go. I’m going to tell you everything ive been thinking the last several days just to get it out. and yes, there is still that false hope that you’ll take me back and when that’s crushed i will probably inevitably cry again. I’m not sure if talking to you so soon is the right answer, if later would give me a clearer head. but my heart is telling me that i need to ask you to reconsider now and not later - if only for the confirmation - that nail on the coffin, that we’re really not happening anymore. I asked you when you had time and you said 10pm. So after work, i go home and i write down everything i want to talk to you about - at least everything i can think of at the time of writing much of which i talked about here already - how i thank you for loving me and all the things you did for me, how i still hope youll keep ur promise about buying me a hanbok, about a possible snowboard trip, about my stages of grief - my denial, my anger, the bargaining, how it wasnt just you who needed to change but i do think you will eventually need to change for someone - that i was sad it wasnt me. how i wish you told me about the stresses of your job so id be more understanding, how you were the first guy i thought i could say i love you to. how im not good at this cuz my last two and only serious relationships ended long before we called it off but right now i still feel like i was starting to like you more and more. how u know to break it off now because it would hurt more for me later and you no longer wanted to see me cry but for me second chances and trying is important - which is why im bargaining with you even tho i know you will say no. i need to know i did everything I could. that im sad we didnt meet earlier and have a more stable realtionship and maybe it woulda worked out - that i was sad you had to move for your job because if you were still here things wouldve worked out differently. but i dunno - i hope youll listen with as open a mind as u can, really think about it before you reject me and ill know i did everything i could.

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terryblycute · 4 years ago

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2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

#long post #suicide tw #negative #corona tw #idk what to tag #2020

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up-among-the-stars · 7 years ago

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Cycle 307

The five times Kaizo forgets his birthday, and the one time he doesn’t.

Kaizo is sixteen when he first forgets.

Granted, he forgets a lot of things these days, but none of which he actually means to. He's taking his time with the mask, and while the side-effects aren't disabling, they're not exactly productive, either. It's annoying, how the memories he wants buried stay vividly clear, but Imus forbid he remember his own naming day.

So when his grandfather walks in the training room, a whole shift early and wondering why he hasn't started cleaning up, his first response is a very eloquent, "What?"

The general stares at him. "We're going to the plaza."

"...why?"

"It's your naming day," the man says with a slight frown, watching as Kaizo blinks in realization.

"Oh. Right."

"You forgot." It's not a question.

Kaizo hums, looking back at the sentinel he's pinning on the wall. He releases his hold and ends the simulation with a quick command, idly watching the bot sink back to the floor. He can still feel his grandfather watching him, but he honestly doesn't know what to say.

It was his choice to keep the mask, and the consequences were something he just had to live with.

He settles with a simple, "It's a work in progress."

Kaizo meets his grandfather's eyes, lets the other search his face for a few moments, and waits. His mouth quirks upward when he gets a small nod, knowing that the general has seen his resolve. Out of habit, he does a quick salute, before heading off to his room for a quick shower.

Training can wait; for now, he has a celebration to attend.

ii.

There are... things outside his room.

Kaizo is barely back from his latest mission when he spots the colorful mess in the hallway. He was gone for a couple of lunar cycles to patrol the Latsyrk quadrants, having picked up a couple of frequencies that belonged to powerspheres.

He'd managed to collect five of them before deciding to head home, which is how he finds himself in this current situation.

Frowning at the storage blocks scattered at his doorway, Kaizo wonders if someone dropped them, before pushing the thought away. Everyone in the East Wing knows where his room is, if only to avoid it. He's not the... kindest of people, especially after long-term missions. He blames Bora Ra for that one.

Upon closer inspection, he notices one that looks like Maya's. Bronze has always been the mechanic's color, so he picks that one up, half convinced that it's safe. If anything ever happens to him, he can always drop by her shop for an unannounced visit.

He's turning the cube over when he notices the storage date, then everything clicks.

Oh, Kaizo thinks. It was my naming day.

He hadn't really been paying attention to the date recently, but he supposed those close to him still did. Pressing the release button, Kaizo steps back just in time to catch a metallic blue slab, sleek sides tapered off to a handle.

He shifts to hold it properly and watches as it morphs around his arm to form an ion blaster.

Maya really doesn't hold back, Kaizo thinks, smirking at the possibilities for his next mission. The sword may be his preferred medium, but even he wouldn't refuse something with twice the power. He shuts it down before grabbing the other blocks still at his feet, wondering what the others got him as he finally enters his room.

iii

He's still bleeding.

Kaizo pants as he stares at the wound on his side. With a grunt, he lets his head thunk back on the tree behind him and tries to catch his breath, fairly content with being idle for the first time in two cycles. He knows Lahap enough to assume that the lieutenant has kept the data chip safe, so for now, he has only one problem.

He counts to ten before trying again.

"Xek'trs," Kaizo hisses, voice sharp in his mother tongue as he presses his activated sword against his side. It's one of the messier ways to deal with his injuries, but the wound has been bleeding enough to make him worried. He'll have to clean up better once they get out of the system.

It's after the fourth try that he finally manages to cauterize the cut successfully.

Damn Iaku and their traps, he thinks darkly, remembering how their target had worked with bounty hunters. It's not every day that they went to a mission with half the specs they needed, but this one happened to be more of a surprise than the captain was expecting.

Absentmindedly, he thinks how bad of a surprise it was.

He doesn't exactly remember the day.

iv.

There's a missed call, and from a direct line.

Kaizo narrows his eyes at the yellow triangle blinking on the screen. There are three options: either he's been found out, his planet is under attack, or it's a really important tip that he's been waiting for from the few contacts he has.

Whichever it is, he's going to have to call back.

Pulling up a few lines of code, Kaizo sets a frequency. The holographic display lights up a few moments later, and on it is -

"Aeron?"

From the screen, a guy visibly lights up as he signs a greeting. Kaizo offers a quick smile, before asking, "What's with the call?" He watches as the other signs, brows raising with the speed and every cut-off sentence as the man on the other line turns more sheepish.

"A," Kaizo interrupts after the fifth attempt is waved off, "As funny as this is, can you at least tell me if there's a problem?"

Aeron freezes mid-motion, before slowly signing, 'no.'

"Okay." Kaizo blinks. "Why'd you call, then?"

"He wanted to greet you, idiot."

Kaizo can't help the smirk that makes its way on his face at the reply. "Still ratting people out, greaser?" he asks, waving off Aeron's panic at Maya's sudden comment, "Same as always, I see." There's a snort, and Kaizo can practically hear the eyeroll in her reply.

"So are you. You would've forgotten your naming day if A hadn't called."

"Fair enough."

"Captain?"

"Yes?"

"Do you... think we could visit home?"

Kaizo looks up to see Fang staring at the ground, hands fiddling with his gloves. It's a little amusing how nervous his brother still gets around him, though it's not surprising, with all that he's done. He's not exactly the best sibling in the world.

Although -

"I don't see why not," he says, tilting his head at how the other seems to perk up at that. "Something important?"

Fang blinks at his question, before looking away and mumbling, "Sort of."

Interesting.

If he's going to be honest, the last thing Kaizo expected Fang to be worried about was his naming day celebration.

Their parents had been surprised, to say at least, but so was he when Fang pressed to have the trip in a cycle. Kaizo watches as his brother talks animatedly with their parents, telling them about adventures he had with his friends.

It's... nice, seeing them again.

Though it's not something I can always afford, Kaizo thinks.

He stares at his soup as he takes another sip.

(+ i.)

So, the kids know when his naming day is.

But did they really have to do this? Kaizo thinks, three parts amused as he stares down at the pile of... presents outside his ship's control room. The other fourth of him is feeling an odd sense of déjà vu, but that's mostly ignored for the shocked look on his lieutenant's face.

"Lahap," he says, startling the other to attention, "You start the ship."

The lieutenant makes a face. "Captain?"

"I'll deal with it," he replies, crouching to pick up the a-little-too-bright bundle. Color-coded, he assumes, eyes automatically finding his brother's gift, as well as Boboiboy's. There are three green packages, though, so he assumes that the twins were in this, too.

Really, what is it with people and naming days.

a bunch of important notes (read: headcanons) for those who are confused:

- i have this headcanon that kaizo’s grandfather is a general??? idk, it sounded pretty cool, and kaizo had to get his military background from someone

- another headcanon: kaizo’s mask is an incomplete weapon, kind of like a prototype, so sometimes it messes with his brain and makes him forget things

- birthdays are called naming days in their planet (as features in another fic of mine).

- edit because i forgot ajjsjahs: Imus is one of their planet’s three major deities

- when he’s not at home, kaizo stays in the garrison. his room is in the east wing.

- Latsyrk quadrants: a bunch of quadrants opposite from the one that has kaizo’s planet.

- Xek'trs: made up curse word because i want kaizo and fang to speak alien languages!!! or something, just let them have a mother language, please.

- Iaku: another made up thing, but now an alien race. they’re known for hunting, hence the traps.

- maya and aeron are my ocs!!! read more about them here.

- ps. i know very little about interstellar communication omg, im sorry sdjfhsdak

- the kids would totally give the captain gifts, if they found out about his birthday. they’d throw him a party, but they’re not close enough, and most of them can see that kaizo isn’t one for huge celebrations.

- gifts the kids probably gave: tea (from boboiboy, and yes, he asked fang to help), a cupcake (from yaya, bUT DON’T WORRY, THE OTHERS HELPED), a pin (from ying, and it definitely says ‘rebel’), a glass figurine (it’s kaizo’s sword, gopal didn’t know what to give but his friends kept bothering him, give him a break), new gloves (from fang, because kaizo actually goes through them pretty quickly), and alien tech (sai gave him the latest comm link in the market, and shielda gave him a holopad, also the latest in the market)

a/n: i feel very conflicted about this because i feel like i haven’t shown my view of kaizo as well as i wished??? but thats because too much of what i have are headcanons and i cant write well enough without making you guys confused??? anyway, this doesnt look like it fits the theme much either, but hear me out: the thing that makes it not-so-happy is that kaizo doesnt really care for his naming day. it - it would’ve made sense had i published my first entry for kaizo week, but then it would need more explaining and its 1 am and i need to sleep. bUT ANYWAY, i hope u guys at least enjoyed the fic skdjfhjksa

#IM LATE AS HECK BUT AT LEAST I FINALLY FINISHED IT ASKDGAKSHGL #((incoming a/n now that ive gotten sleep))#legendary space rebel #fanfics #boboiboy #boboiboy galaxy #kaizoweek2017 #hbdcaptainkaizo #((almost everyone is here tbh but kaizo's the main focus so im only tagging him))

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yafookinboi · 4 years ago

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Dear Void™️, today was another bomb ass day, and I’m getting suspicious that things are going to have to get worse soon lol Things are going too well, why haven’t I had a mental or emotional break down or anxiety attack yet? Where is the existential dread and uncertainty that had become my friend for the past 3-4 years? Is this what it feels like to actually pursue something you’re passionate about? To have some semblance of where you’re going in life and liking where you’re at? Because this is strange lol and I’m suspicious, but damn am I going to enjoy every second of it.

But holy shit, story time: so in class this week we did a speed design thing where we broke off into teams of 4-5 people and made a whole pitch in 2 hours. I was unexpectedly chosen as a team lead (this took place before I went to talk with my faculty). The way teams were divided was the faculty was like “ok who wants to work on ________’s team?” And people would raise their hands and they’d choose 4 people. I was online and my teacher never turns his camera on, so I couldn’t see who raised their hand to be on what team, or how many people. I was blind, but honestly was just rushing to hook my laptop up to my other monitor and get a google doc set up lol I was team 5, the last team, and really didn’t think anything of it, and had 3 people on my team since there’s not enough people for 5 teams of 5. I had a couple people I knew pretty well, and another who I knew by face only. But so we broke off into a discord call and dived right in. And I thought we did pretty well, we had a funny and interesting idea, and our pitch was pretty thorough. One of the members who tends to dominate the conversation was super chill and actually a great teammate, and I think I handled guiding brainstorming and culling ideas in a friendly way. We finished with 5 minutes to spare and I think we were all satisfied with the end product. So later that week I went to talk to the faculty, and he revealed that he chose me as a lead because I was on his radar, and he specifically put me as team 5 because he wanted to see what I would do with a team of the last picks of the class (which is kind of brutal to those people, but I straight up didn’t think about it since I couldn’t see anything in class lol). I mentioned how I thought we did well, (I think we honestly came up with a bomb idea, I’m proud of us) and he said he couldn’t say anything since he was still grading the other pitches, but that he’d release the ranking over the weekend and we’d go over it in class next week. So here I am, tonight, and he dropped grades. The grades themselves don’t include a ranking, just a number grade, the average, high and low grades, and a few comments about the submission. We got a 93 and the high was 95 so I’m fairly confident we got 2nd place which is a pretty great win in my book 😎 He mentioned some things we forgot to include (fair criticism, can’t argue with that), but said that we ultimately completed our purpose with the pitch. And like? hell yeah?! You’re telling me that not only did we have one less person than every other team, but we were straight up under dogs and we came in second? HELL YEAH LETS GO THATS A WIN IF IVE EVER SEEN ONE. It’s not perfect, but given our setbacks that’s a pretty good result. And everyone has room for improvement, soooooo 💅🏻 I’m keeping my “not disappointing him yet” streak going a little bit longer 😂

In other news, I went on that walk with Carl today and it was fun :) We saw a huge tortoise who came right up to us and said hi before heading home! He was cute, I want a tortoise one day lol But we walked around a nature trail just kind of exploring and we didn’t get lost which is good 😆 But yeah, we talked a lot and honestly I know I keep saying it, but it’s so nice lol We straight up just click? And I was chatting with someone about it today, and they kind of joked about us dating (as you fucking do 🙄🙃, I’m not mad, it’s just that’s the sort of stuff that built in my “can’t talk to anyone about it” behavior and why I’m writing the the Void lol) to which I was like “bro we’re still getting to know each other lol” and they’re were like “yeah it’s nice to have someone who’s just a friend”, which kind of got me wondering if he is just coming at this from “oh hey they’re just really nice and I’m in the market for a friend” or idk just not coming at it from a “oh I kind of like them and would like to get to know them better”. Which, writing this out, logicalllyyyyyyy it’s probably the latter, because I have only ever known one person who would pursue a friendship with that kind of dedication. So, your honor, all evidence is pointing to that he is probably just chill and taking things slow, and wants to get to know me better. At this time the evidence is inconclusive on the matters of if he actually likes me and is actively pursuing that. (I’m going to read this later and cringe so hard lol) But, yeah. I think we had a good time :) Now to debate whether or not I should reach out first to see if we do this again next week, or wait for him to reach out. I’ll probably wait until a few days before again. I don’t know, it doesn’t matter right now lol no use in over thinking it lol who knows lol but we’re having a team Halloween party! I’m excited :3 I love Halloween lol Time to woo him with my costume making skills 😎

but yeah, I’m sure I’ll be back to talk about more shit soon :) thanks for listening, Void. It’s hard to believe that a year or so ago I was having breakdowns on the reg and I hated everything I was doing with my soul. I almost don’t want to believe this is happening, but I also want to enjoy it. I’m not going to put myself in the situation where I’m drowning in stress and work; I did that for years on my way here. Now is the time to savor the way life can be when you’re pursuing and living your dreams. Maybe this is what all those struggles were for :)

#skyvoidtalks

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the0ther-side0f-dawn · 7 years ago

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personal rant

tw: eating disorder, anxiety, depression, suicide mention, fat shaming, abuse, idk, my life is one big shit hole, idk what tags to wack on here.

do not reblog - do not like if your likes are public - do not interact if youre over 25

warning: this post is super long bc i dont know what concision is and i have a lot of thoughts and feelings :)

so, this is going to get fairly personal, and talk about things ive never really talked about before, or felt comfortable talking about. i still feel so so so exceptionally uncomfortable talking about body weight, and weight loss, and fat, and eating disorders, and all that jazz, but the point of this post is to talk about personal growth, and then ramble and go into some self-loathing.

so, a huge part of how I used to justify my eating, when i was in secondary school, was i was really determined to enjoy every food, which was my favourite, as much as possible. and, so i would eat a lot of something, and just so much of it, because i had this fear, “what if the company stopped manufacturing this suddenly, and this is the last time i ever get to enjoy it?” so i’d eat like a whole box of shapes and a whole bag of chips in one sitting kind of thing. which is why in 8th-9th grade i gained like 25kg.

of course, this isnt factoring the huge huge influence in my eating that depression, and my mother [and my determination to do things to spite her out of anger]. and like obviously they played a huge role. like i ate because i hated life and was depressed, and it was “comforting” and it became habitual, and then my mum was the furtherest thing, and still is, from emotionally supportive, and when she would yell at me to stop, or shame me, or make me feel bad about my eating or my body, i would eat more just to spite her. just because i didnt want to be her little fucking minion, and all obedient and submissive and shit.

but, the fear of “what if i never get to enjoy this thing again?” was pretty big, and im just realising, on that front, i have come so so far. im sure the fact that last year, several of my favourite foods ceased to be manufactured, helped me, subconsciously, realise how fucking unnecessary that fear was, because in the end, it didnt matter, the things i like have changed, i have grown to like new things, i have grown to dislike things i used to love, its all so fucking arbitrary. a year or so ago, aldi had some specials, and my mum bought home this sesame based turkish dessert thing. i dont remember what it was called probably the most delicious thing ive ever tasted. and it was okay for me to just enjoy a little, and not go on looking for more. im getting better at stopping. im getting better at being content, instead of always trying to chase more satisfaction. but yeh, ive gotten better.

i still eat ALOT because of depression. and i think that is okay. its important to have priorities, and i think eating is better for me than many of the other ways i could or have coped with depression in the past. and generally, if im sad and want to eat, i have to go outside and go walk somewhere to buy food, which is good for me.

and doing things to spite my mother, still happens, because she is still so hateful. but my motives arent necessarily to spite her as such, as to fucking defend my right to exist, and my right to make my own decisions.

i still have good and bad times. i often lose 5kg over the span of a couple weeks, and gain 10kg over a couple months, it’s so back and forth. but it’s generally staying the same, on average, and for me, that’s like getting a C+. it’s sufficient.

this last year, has been really difficult for me with body image. i was covering up my mirrors for a good while. i still feel sick when i open up snapchat and the front camera is enabled. i have gone up a half dress size, and i hate it, but i should have caved and starting buying things in the larger size a while ago. its better to wear something that feels comfortable and looks like it isnt too tight, then to fuss over a number on a tag.

i feel like shit when my sister wants to go to shops at the mall like supre and valleygirl, and i cannot even look at the racks, because i know the only thing in the store that will fit me is the sunglasses.

i still am not on board with the whole fat positivity thing. i know its important. i know that someones body weight doesnt decrease their worth as a person. these are facts. but i still fucking loathe myself. and i still feel fucking worthless.

i feel like i am incapable of being loved because i am not pretty enough. i am not thin enough. pretty and thin are much the same to me. i would be pretty if i were thin.

i feel nauseous on public transport because i take up too much space on a seat. people have to press against me to move past me in the aisle. i try and make myself smaller, but i never am small enough.

when i am depressed and crying i put a pillow over my head to shield the universe from having to witness my face. i am too fat and ugly to cry, because only skinny girls look good when they cry. i dont feel entitled to sadness.

i dont feel entitled to a lot of emotions. because i am not pretty enough to be human. not skinny enough to be human.

and i know it is fucking bullshit, but i still feel it.

and i am angry, that there are only two possible portrayals for bigger people. bullies. or bubbly. i am not happy. i am not bubbly. i shouldnt have to be over the top smiling and laughing and have flawless skin and makeup in order to fit into one of the two boxes that exist for me; the only box where i am “good.”

i dont know i just really wish that when i was younger i had access to healthy food that tasted good, and to sporting activities that i enjoyed. instead of it being “we’re too poor to do club sport” and my mum telling me physical fitness didnt matter, and with food, it was like, no effort from my mum to try and find healthy options that i liked. she’d serve up peas, and force me to sit at the table til i ate them. and i would sit there for 4 hours with her intermittently yelling that if i didnt hurry up she’d shove them down my throat with a broom handle. instead of her thinking okay, what other healthy foods are that i could try and get the kids to eat, and trying to figure out what would work, but no instead she served up peas once a week and it was the same fucking ordeal. and i really fucking despise my mum, and blame her for a lot. because she socialised me, until i was 12, to not give a shit about my body and fitness, and then i start highschool, start eating out of depression, gaining weight like crazy, mum gets a diabetes scare, and next minute she’s determined to teach me how to hate myself. and to me, thats unforgiveable.

i wish things had been very very different in my life, and wish things were very different now. because its, probably not impossible, but really fucking difficult to make meaningful changes in my life when im dirt fucking poor, and constantly wrestling with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc, and have a p darn shitty family situation, and almost no friends that arent in very similar boats.

#do not reblog

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arplis · 5 years ago

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Arplis - News: 38 Fun Things to Do in Tucson, Arizona

With incredible outdoor adventures, some of the best Mexican food in the U.S. (yes, seriously!), and a vibrant nightlife, Tucson may just be the perfect weekend getaway. Oh, and did we mention Tucson has wonderfully warm temperatures in the wintertime?! (Fellow Midwesterners, take note!)

The population of Tucson is just over half a million people, making it feel like a relatively small city. But dont be fooled there are an incredible amount of things to do in Tucson!

While there are many things to do in the city itself, the real draw of Tucson is what lies beyond. The Sonoran Desert which surrounds Tucson, is one of the only places in the world to see the iconic saguaro cactus, after all.

Were walking you through the very best things to do in Tucson, Arizona from epic outdoor adventures to foodie experiences to nightlife for all ages.

Our Experience in Tucson

Im going to be honest: Until recently, Tucson wasnt on my radar at all. Instead, I pictured the Grand Canyon and cities like Phoenix, Sedona and Scottsdale when I thought of Arizona.

So when my parents booked a 2-week Airbnb rental in Tucson to escape Minnesotas frigid winter clutches, I asked them, What is there to do in Tucson?

The timing was uncanny, because a week after my parents booked their trip, we were contacted by Visit Tucson (the tourism board) to work on a campaign with them. And all of a sudden, a city I hadnt ever thought much about took center stage in my mind.

When we started planning our trip to Tucson, I truly started to realize why my parents had booked 2 weeks there. As it turns out, theres a lot to do in this southwestern city!

This info-packed guide is full of top tips, where to stay, what foods to try , and everything else you need to know about planning an incredible trip to Tucson.

Contents:

Things to do in Tucson:

Outdoor Activities in Tucson

Food & Nightlife in Tucson

Art, Culture & History in Tucson

Planning your trip to Tucson:

Best Tucson Weekend Itinerary

Best time to visit Tucson

Where to stay in Tucson

How to Get Around Tucson

What to pack for Tucson

Tucson Map

Disclosure: This trip and article was sponsored by Visit Tucson. As always, all opinions are 100% honest and completely our own. Additionally, this article contains affiliate links. Read our disclosure policy for more information.

Outdoor Adventures in Tucson

If you like getting outside, youll find your bliss in Tucson because there are so many outdoor adventures to be had in the area surrounding this city.

1. Go horseback riding in the desert

I am going to embarrass Ben for a minute while I tell you something about him few people know: Hes afraid of horses.

Hes looking over my shoulder as I type this and saying, Im not afraid, I just think theyre smart and strong, and we should respect them.

Yeah, okay whatever, Ben.

But to his credit, he agreed to go horseback riding on our trip to Tucson. (Ive been asking him for the last couple of years, and he finally gave in.)

And you know what? When I asked Ben what his highlight was from our trip to Tucson, the first thing out of his mouth was, horseback riding!. So even if youre not an experienced rider, Bens reaction should give you some encouragement.

It was hands down one of my favorite experiences in Tucson too! We were able to see places we never would have without being saddled up on John Wayne and Mac (names of our horses).

Bobbi, the owner of Houstons Horseback Riding, led our group along the trail. We crossed rivers, ducked beneath low-hanging trees, and trotted past giant saguaro cacti with mountains looming in the distance. The landscape changed throughout the 2-hour journey, and the pace was slow and steady (great for those of us who arent experienced riders).

The views we got right up next to the saguaros on top of the horses was completely different than the perspective wed get walking on the trail with our own two feet. It was surreal.

And after chatting with Bobbi, its clear how much passion she has for this work. She has been working with horses for nearly her entire life and has passed on her admiration for these beautiful creatures to her children who help run the show as well. I mean, with about 30 horses to care for, the more hands the better.

So not only will you have an amazing experience with the horses, but youre supporting a family run business. Win-win!

Hours: Trail rides start at 9 a.m and 2:30 p.m.

Cost: $85 for a 2 hour walking ride

Book Your Horseback Ride Here!

Are you an experienced rider? If youre no stranger to horseback riding, you can book a private ride where your guide will adjust the speed to suit your experience level.

2. Visit Saguaro National Park

Saguaro are the huge cacti that adorn the Arizona license plate and serve as an icon of Southwest USA. And there is a National Park just 30 minutes from downtown Tucson that is dedicated to their existence.

Before we delve into the best things to do in Saguaro National Park, lets start with the basics pronunciation.

Say it with me: suh-waa-row

Now you wont embarrass yourselves like we did. (Youre welcome!)

And because I am fascinated by these cacti, Im gonna entertain you with some fun facts about the saguaro:

They can live to be 150 years old (some even are said to be 200 years old!).

They can grow up to 40-60 feet tall (12-18 meters).

They dont start growing arms until theyre around 70 years old.

They only grow in parts of the Sonoran Desert (a small area in Mexico, southern Arizona, and occasionally southeastern California.

They are expensive! Thats right, some people like to incorporate them into their landscaping, and the large ones can cost upwards of $10,000. The more arms it has, the more money it costs.

One foot of a saguaro weighs around 100 pounds!

We have a love affair with National Parks. Anyone else?! So it should come as no surprise that the first thing we plotted on our Tucson itinerary was a visit to Saguaro National Park.

And guess what?! It was our 20th US National Park! *cue champagne toast*

Saguaro is divided into two sections: one to the east and one to the west. In the middle lies the city of Tucson. Each side is a bit different. The west side of the park is more densely covered with saguaro, while the east side has more hiking trails and is more mountainous.

Try to see both sides if possible, but if youre short on time, visiting the west side of the park will be the best way to maximize your visit.

Best things to do in Saguaro National Park (with limited time):

West Side Saguaro National Park:

Drive around the 6-mile scenic Bajada Loop, and stop along the way at the spots listed below (plus any others that pique your interest):

Hugh Norris Trailhead: Hike up the trail for about 5-7 minutes and look west. Youll see tons of saguaro cacti and this spot would be wonderful for sunset.

Valley View Overlook Trail: 0.8-mile one-way (out and back) easy trail that is relatively flat. There are signs along the way pointing out the different types of plants and the final destination is a viewpoint over the vast valley below that is full of cacti.

Signal Hill Picnic Area: This short 0.3-mile hike up signal hill leads you to dozens of 800-year old petroglyphs that were created by the ancient Hohokam people.

East Side Saguaro National Park:

Drive along the Cactus Forest Drive Loop. It is an 8-mile self-drive loop that takes you to some of the major attractions in the east side of Saguaro National Park:

Mica View Trail: This relatively flat 2-mile return hike starts at a nice picnic area, goes through the cactus forest to East Broadway Blvd and back. You can also start the hike from E Broadway Blvd too.

Desert Ecology Trail: Paved 0.3-mile loop with signs to tell you more about desert plants. Great walk for kids.

Cactus Forest Trail: Splits the East Saguaro National Park from North to South. 5-mile return, mostly flat, but youll be surrounded with saguaro cacti the entire time.

Freeman Homestead Trail: Short 1-mile loop trail easy to do with kids. Youll walk by some of the biggest and oldest saguaros in the park.

Have more time in Saguaro National Park?

Douglas Spring Trailhead (East Side): This is a 16-mile out and back trail that is pretty flat for the first half and then switchbacks up the mountain until the top. About a quarter of the way on the trail, head to the left for 0.4 miles to see the Bridal Wreath Falls (dont expect a massive falls, but refreshing to see in the desert).

King Canyon Trail (West Side): The trailhead starts opposite of the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, this 7.1-mile moderate trail winds its way up to Wasson Peak. Many reports say its tough on the way up and you should start early, but youll be rewarded with an amazing view of the saguaro cacti filled desert.

Hours: Visitor Centers are open 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. but the park is open to vehicles from sunrise to sunset.

Cost: weekly pass to Saguaro National Park is $25 per vehicle.

Insider tip: If you dont already have an America the Beautiful Pass, you might want to consider getting one before your trip to Tucson. It will not only cover your entrance to the National Park, but also to Sabino Canyon. Weve put together a guide thatll help you decide if the US National Park Pass is worth it for you.

3. Mountain Biking around Tucson

There are few things better than being outside, getting your heart pumping, and trying something totally new. And thats exactly what we did on our last morning in Tucson. We woke up before the sun, grabbed a breakfast burrito for fuel, and headed to a trailhead.

Tucson has some of the best places in Arizona if not the best for mountain biking. And whether youre a newbie to the sport (like us!) or a seasoned mountain biker, there are trails suited to all levels.

Important info about biking in Tucson:Here's the thing we wish we would have known before going mountain biking in Tucson... Some of the trails around the city are unsanctioned, meaningyou cannot legally ride on them without getting a permit. And the even sketchier thing is some mountain bike rental companies encourage riders to use these trails without first obtaining anArizonaState Trust Landpermit.

Even after quite a bit of sleuthing, we still can't figure out how a visitor to Tucson could actually purchase one of these permits (as the site to purchase them is broken). Moral of the story: When picking the trails you'll ride, be extra careful to choose only those that are sanctioned. Otherwise, you can be fined (and you're breaking the law).

Luckily, there are some reputable biking companies that follow the rules and encourage safe riding on trails that are open for the public to enjoy.

Our recommendation:Home Grown Mountain Bikingis a trusted company that offers rentals, shuttle services, and guided rides so you have an expert with you on the trails.Cost: Mountain bike rentals start at $120 per day. You'll find other package options as well as multi-day discounts.

Some popular mountain bike trails in Tucson (that don't require a permit):

Mount Lemmon:Lots of rugged terrain and temperatures that are significantly cooler than you'll find closer to the city, which makes for comfortable biking even in hotter months.

Catalina State Park, Oro Valley:Lots of beautiful trails, like the intermediate track "50 Year". Note: to enter Catalina State Park, you will need to pay $7 per vehicle.

Tucson Mountain Park:Here you'll find 50 miles of trails that are primarily beginner and intermediate levels.

Insider Tip:Download theTrailForks app to get a detailed look at the trail you plan to ride.

4. Explore Colossal Cave

Stalactites, stalagmites, and bat poo, oh my!

Ive had a fascination with caves since I was a child, so weve visited all different types of caves on our travels around the world. When we heard there was a cave in Tucson, we didnt need much convincing to squeeze a visit into our itinerary.

Located a short 15-minute drive southeast of Tucson, the Colossal Cave has a pretty interesting history. It was once used as a temporary shelter for the Hohokam people (the regions first inhabitants) as early as 900 AD. And later, this cave served as a hiding place for 19th-century outlaws who didnt want to be found.

To enter the Colossal Cave, you must book a guided tour. There are a handful of options to choose from:

Classic Cave Tour: Good introduction to the cave and suitable for all ages.

Length: 50-minute tour

Cost: Adults: $18, Children (5-12 yrs): $9, 4 and under: free

When: 8 tours a day, depart hourly from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.

Tip: Reservations are encouraged

Ladder Tour: Navigate narrow passageways, climb ladders, and cross rickety bridges in seldom-seen parts of the cave system.

Length: 1.5-hour tour

Cost: $35 per person

When: 2 tours a day 9:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m.

Tip: Reservations required

Wild Cave Tour: The most adventurous of tours offered, guides will take you to the most remote parts of the cave system. Participants must be fit and ready for a rugged good time! Described as absolutely down-and-dirty caving!

Length: 3.5-hour tour

Cost: $85 (reservations required)

Restrictions: 16 years old and older

When: 1 tour a day at 1 p.m.

Tip: There is an Intermediate option as well as Advanced ($125).

Our Opinion: Due to our limited time, the Classic Cave Tour was the one that best fit into our schedule. While it was a good introduction, it wasnt anything too different from what weve seen in other cave systems. We wished we had booked the Ladder or Wild Tour, as it would have been a bit more up our alley in terms of adventure!

Learn more about each tour and make your bookings here.

5. Sunset in the desert

Look up to the skies at dusk and youre in for an incredible show put on by Mother Nature. Seriously though, Tucson is known for having some epic sunsets, so plan to be somewhere special for at least one of the evenings during your trip.

Theres nothing like seeing the cacti start to glow as the sky takes on a pinkish hue.

Some top spots around Tucson for sunset:

Gates Pass

Saguaro National Park

A Mountain

JW Marriot

Tucson Mountain Park

Mount Lemmon scenic drive

6. Get a view over Tucson from A Hill (aka Sentinel Peak Park)

Look to the horizon and you shouldnt have a problem spotting A Hill, which, as the name implies, is adorned with a giant letter A made of rocks. This tribute to the University of Arizona is not only a town icon, but it marks one of the best spots to get a view over the city.

As long as the sky is clear, any time of day will grant you a sweeping view. Get an early morning start here and view the city beneath blue skies.

Or come for that golden hour glow and stay after the sun goes down to see the city lights begin to sparkle. Just know that after the sun sets, this is clearly a makeout spot, which is slightly awkward...

Alternative: Are you looking to get a workout in instead of taking the easy way and driving to the top? Pat yourself on the back, and then head to Tumamoc Hill. The trailhead is just a few minutes drive past the starting point of Sentinel Peak. This short but steep climb is a 3-mile round trip with a 700-foot elevation gain.

7. Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum

I hate to admit it, but unless it is truly something special like the Met in NYC or the Uffizi in Florence I dont always prioritize fitting museums into our travel plans. Honestly, Id rather be outside or eating which I suppose could be my life motto.

However, once we saw reviews for the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, we decided to squeeze it into our itinerary. I mean, its the top-rated Tucson attraction on TripAdvisor (earning 5 stars with more than 8,000 reviews!), so surely it has to be worthwhile, right?

Honestly, after checking it out, I would say it depends. I know thats annoying to hear when trying to plan your itinerary, but keep reading to see if it is an experience thatll float your boat.

First things first, dont think of this as a typical museum... It's more of a zoo blended with a botanical garden and a dash of museum thrown in there for fun.

Youll find a huge variety of exhibits and lots of information around the park. To really explore everything thoroughly, youll need at least 2 hours.

Here are some of the main exhibits:

Aquarium

Raptor Flights

Hummingbird Aviary

Cave & Earth Sciences Center (the cave is artificial but pretty convincing)

Botanical Garden

Indoor Play Area for kids

One major perk to visiting the museum is your entrance fee will help contribute to their ongoing conservation and research efforts. One of their primary missions is to understand, connect people to and protect the natural systems of the Sonoran Desert Region.

Considering that the Sonoran Desert region is home to one of the greatest varieties of plants and animals out of any desert in the world, you can see it is pretty important work.

Interested in hearing more? Check out their website to see their current conservation and research projects.

Our thoughts on the Desert Museum:

Our favorite parts were the cave and gemstone exhibits. We are big rock nerds, so this part was especially cool. Theres even a little piece of rock from the moon on display which Ben geeked out about!

We think this would be a fun activity with kids (though we arent experts on the whole subject of children just yet!).

Honestly, zoos usually arent our thing (but thats a topic for another time). So we werent all that fond of the animal exhibits at this museum.

There is a small pool with stingrays where people can pay a small fee to touch them. We personally try to avoid any animal attraction that encourages touching.

Summary: Overall, this attraction is very well put together with accessible paths, frequent water fountains and toilets, lots of informational signs, and activities for children. You can learn a lot here and spend quite a bit of time exploring it all. However, if youre short on time, going into Saguaro National Park and Sabino Canyon are going to be even more worth your while.

Hours: 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Cost: Adults - $21.95, Seniors (65+) - $19.95, Children (3-12) - $9.95, Children (under 3) - Free

8. Go hiking in Sabino Canyon

Sitting in the foothills of the Santa Catalina Mountains, Sabino Canyon Recreation Center draws more than a million visitors annually. And for good reason: This place is absolutely stunning and packed with adventures for all types of travelers.

Encompassing two gorges: Sabino Canyon and Bear Canyon, you can choose to hike along paved or gravel paths, or you can save your legs some work and hop on a shuttle (for a fee).

Bear Canyon Shuttle: $6 adults, $4 ages 3-12; leaves every 30 minutes

Sabino Canyon Shuttle: $10 adults, $5 ages 3-12; leaves every 30 minutes

Seven Falls Hike

5 miles round trip

917 feet in elevation gain

If youre up for a challenging hike (thats well worth the effort), look no further than the Seven Falls Trail. You can hop on the Bear Canyon shuttle and get off at the last stop, which is at the trailhead. (Alternatively, you can skip the shuttle and hike the 2 miles to get to the trailhead.)

From here, its a 2.5-mile hike to the waterfalls that cascade over granite rocks to form pools that are perfect for taking a refreshing dip!

Important note: This trail requires some creek crossings, so be sure to check the conditions at the visitors center before attempting the hike. And be sure to carry plenty of water, as youll be hiking in some exposed areas and it can get very hot.

Cost: $8 per vehicle to enter Sabino Canyon

Hours: 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

Good to know: If you have a National Park Pass, youll get into Sabino Canyon for free!

Planning your itinerary: Wed recommend combining a visit to Sabino Canyon and a drive up to Mount Lemmon (described below) on the same day since they are in the same relative area. If you plan to visit the DeGrazia Gallery as well (#19), you can tack it on the same day since its not far from Sabino Canyon.

9. Scenic drive to Mount Lemmon

When we started planning our trip to Tucson, at least three different people told us, You absolutely have to make the drive up to Mount Lemmon.

And were so happy we listened because it was one of the highlights of our trip. We only wish we had allotted more time to it.

This 40-mile drive snakes back and forth as it winds up through the mountains. There are viewpoints, pullouts, trailheads and campgrounds very frequently along the drive, so there are plenty of opportunities to stretch your legs and scope out the views.

Youll notice a drastic drop in temperature as you make your way up the mountain, and depending on the time of year, you may even start to see snow (a crazy sight when youre coming from the desert!).

At the very top of Mount Lemmon, sits the tiny town of Summerhaven, which is basically a handful of vacation homes and a few small stores. Satisfy your sweet tooth by sampling fudge at the General Store and ordering a cookie at the Mount Lemmon Cookie Cabin, and continue to drive to the Marshall Gulch Picnic Area where you can enjoy your sweet treats with some real food you packed!

Insider Tip: One of our friends messaged us and told us to go to the Cookie Cabin, for huge and delicious cookies. Sadly, we got the text too late. So if you have the chance, go to this mountaintop log cabin and order a giant cookie for us, please!

Another fun thing to see is the (tiny) Mount Lemmon Ski Valley before you begin your drive down the mountain.

How long does it take? The drive is roughly 42 miles from downtown Tucson and takes about 1 hour 20 minutes from bottom to top without stopping. Wed allot at least 3.5 - 4 hours for the drive up and down the mountain with a few stops along the way.

10. Explore Catalina State Park

Catalina State Park | Photo Credit: My Mom ;)

Sitting at the base of the Santa Catalina Mountains, this state park is a haven for desert wildlife and is home to more than 5,000 saguaros.

Come to Catalina State Park put a few more miles on your hiking boots or to have a relaxing picnic surrounded by nature.

Hikes in Catalina State Park:

Romero Ruins Interpretive Trail: This short and easy loop is 0.6 miles and has just 68 feet in elevation gain, making it a good hike for most people. The trail brings you past some historic dwellings and archaeological sites that are marked with signs.

Romero Pools: This 4.9-mile out and back trail is rated as intermediate, and has a 1,047-foot elevation gain. Your efforts will be rewarded as the trail culminates at some beautiful pools.

Cost: $7 per vehicle

11. Drive through Tucson Mountain Park

Another park in Tucson? Yep, thats right!

You will pass through the Tucson Mountain Park on your drive to the west portion of Saguaro National Park. And actually the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum and Old Tucson are both located within the parks boundaries.

There are no entry fees, and unless youre looking at your map, you might not even realize youre inside the park at all.

Insider Tip: Be sure to stop at the Gates Pass viewpoint for an epic look over the valley. It is especially beautiful during golden hour. There are a few nearby trailheads too, so youll have the chance to stretch your legs if needed.

12. Visit Kitts Observatory

Kitt's Observatory | Photo Credit: My Mom ;)

Are you as big of a space geek as Ben?! If so, a trip to Kitts Observatory might be right up your alley. You can visit during the day to learn about telescopes and all the work that goes on behind the scenes, or you can take a night time tour and see the stars. But be sure to check the weather before you book.

Also, if the weather is cold, be prepared with warmer clothes because it can get even colder up on the mountain. Bring a good pair of shoes too because there is quite a bit of walking in the tour.

13. Tour Biosphere 2

Biosphere 2 | Photo Credit: My Mom ;)

Could you live in a bubble for 2 years?! Thats what 8 scientists did back in 1991 when the Biosphere 2 was first introduced to the world. Their goal was to study how a mini-biosphere would work with as few outside variables as possible.

Today, you can visit Biosphere 2 and tour the different ecosystems which range from rainforest to the ocean to a model city. The guided tours take you through various stations and highlight the ongoing experiments happening in the Biosphere.

Inside Biosphere 2 | Photo Credit: My Mom ;)

Some tours are included with the General Admission fee, while other tours have an additional cost. Tours can take around 2 to 3 hours. Plus, getting to Biosphere 2 from the center of Tucson is roughly a 50-minute drive, so youll need to dedicate a good portion of a day to this excursion if you add it to your itinerary.

Hours: 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. daily

Cost: Adults: $21, Kids $14

Check the Biosphere 2 website for more details on times and prices.

Fun Fact: If this is Biosphere 2, where is Biosphere 1? Well, youre living on it right now (aka Earth!). Mind blown!

Food & Nightlife in Tucson

Foodies are in for a treat because Tucson is packed with incredible dining options, especially when it comes to Mexican cuisine. And night owls will have a long list of things to do at night, from sampling the best local craft beer to enjoying live music on the town.

14. Eat ALL the Mexican Food

One of the things we were most excited for on this trip was the food. Mexican food, to be precise. #allthetacos

Being that this city is just over 60 miles from the border of Mexico, it should come as no surprise that Tucson is known for having a killer Mexican food scene. In fact, Tucson is the first UNESCO City of Gastronomy in the United States!

Psst! If youre a foodie, youll love this intro to the Tucson culinary scene!

The worst part of the food in Tucson was that we couldnt eat it all. Well, that and the fact that our weekend in Tucson obliterated our meager attempt at doing the Whole30 in January. I mean, Im not going to go to a Mexican food Mecca and not eat as many tacos, tamales and guacamole as possible. Its against the laws of nature.

If youre still reading my food-crazed ramblings, youre probably wondering where you can find the best Mexican food in Tucson, and youre about to be rewarded, friend.

While you dont have to look far to find good Mexican food in Tucson, were sharing some top recommendations, from super authentic hole-in-the-wall spots to refined Mexican restaurants with an exceptional dining experience:

Los Tacos Apson: Tiny, unassuming shop with authentic fare and a generous salsa/topping bar. We ordered a handful of items but our favorites were the taco al pastor and taco hass (carne asada, queso, chili verde); and as we were leaving, a local recommended we try the taco rasuada (grilled ribs) next time! This is also a great spot to try a caramelo, Tucsons take on a quesadilla (cheese and lots of meat grilled between tortillas).

Bocas y Tequila: Popular spot, especially with the university crowd, it seems. The tacos were super tasty (albeit not very hot, but we were there at a super busy hour!). The elote (Mexican street corn) was also very good.

Cafe Poca Cosa: An upscale Mexican restaurant with a menu that changes daily.

Taco Fish: Come here for fresh ceviche and tacos de pescado (fish) or camarones (shrimp).

Penca: Contemporary Mexican fusion with a chic atmosphere.

Mi Nidito: Serving Tucson since 1952, this place is a local legend known for large portions, delicious food, and as a place Bill Clinton once ate.

Taqueria Pico De Gallo: Best known for its award-winning fish tacos, this is another local favorite for authentic (and cheap!) tacos.

Taqueria Porfis: While the menu is small, thats okay because what they do, they do well. And the item theyre most famous for is their potato taco, which is stuffed with carne seca, tomatoes, lettuce, sour cream, and you guessed it potatoes!

Rollies Mexican Patio: Known for their rolled tacos, this cute and colorful cafe makes a great lunch stop.

El Charro Cafe: Set inside a century-old home, this restaurant serves up large home-cooked meals in a charming, yet casual atmosphere.

Fun Fact: This is the nations oldest Mexican restaurant run continuously by the same family.

Street Taco and Beer Co.: Good for late night bites, street tacos, and tequila cocktails.

Insider Tip: We read that if you want to find really authentic, no-frills Mexican food, head to the neighborhoods south of 22nd Street. And 12th Ave, which runs north to south, has a dense concentration of amazing Mexican restaurants.

These streets are part of whats known as the Best 23 Miles of Mexican Food (aka a 23-square-mile area in the city thats known as the best Mexican food north of the border).

15. Try a Sonoran Dog

Im not usually one to order hot dogs, but when we learned that Sonoran Dogs are a must try specialty from this region, we had to give it a go. For research purposes.

And lets just say Im pretty happy I made the sacrifice in the name of work. And while Sonoran Dogs arent something I would eat on a regular basis, they are pretty damn good.

So what exactly is a Sonoran Dog, you ask? This tasty blend of American and Mexican cuisine is comprised of bacon-wrapped hot dog, topped with pinto beans, chopped tomatoes, onions, mayonnaise, mustard and jalapeo salsa, all stuffed into a soft, sweet Mexican bun called a bolillo.

Rumor has it that there are two rival Sonora dog establishments in Tucson that both claim to serve the best:

BK Carne Asada & Hot Dogs: Winner of a Sonoran Dog locally-judged blind taste test against El Guero Canelo, it is definitely worth a try. They also have a large menu of fantastic Mexican fare, some may say the best in Tucson.

El Gero Canelo: With 3 locations in Tucson, this is a Tucson must! We sampled the one on Oracle road, and it did not disappoint. The combo of sweet, spicy and savory is an explosion in your mouth. Youre gonna want more than one.

After a little research, we chose to try our first Sonoran Dog at El Gero Canelo. While we dont have anything to compare it to, it was pretty darn tasty! If you have the time (and room in your tummy!), try them both on your trip to Tucson to determine the winner!

16. Sample Vegan Mexican Fare

Most restaurants featured on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives are laden with grease, layers of cheese, deep-fried everything, and meat. Lots of meat.

But an exception to this is Tucsons beloved Tumerico, which was featured on this hit series in 2018. This local favorite serves up scratch-made Mexican dishes with a menu that changes daily.

While clearly very popular, the service was fast, the prices reasonable, and the food delicious.

Our recommendations: The menu is constantly changing so we cant give specific recommendations, but if there is a taco made with jackfruit, TRY IT. You will thank us! Also, the turmeric lemonade was seriously yummy.

Moral of the story: Even if you do eat meat, Tumerico is well worth a visit.

Good to know: Tumerico is closed on Mondays.

More vegetarian options in Tucson

While these are not Mexican restaurants, here are a few other good options for vegetarians/vegans visiting Tucson.

Charro Vida: While not fully veggie, this Mexican-Mediterranean fusion restaurant (located close to Tohono Chul #35) donates proceeds to local school gardens throughout the region in partnership with the University of Arizona. Just looking at their menu makes my mouth water...

The Tasteful Kitchen: A somewhat upscale restaurant that specializes in vegan, gluten-free and raw cuisine. And while youre there, be sure to check out the mural depicting Mother Earth on the side of their building.

Urban Fresh: Casual cafe with plant-based wraps, salads and soups.

Zinmans Food Shop: carry-out spot with a patio, serving an eclectic assortment of dishes with influences from around the world.

17. Grab a cup of Tucsons best coffee

My name is Katie, and Im a coffee addict. If you are too, youll definitely want to start your day at Exo. Praised as the best coffee in Tucson, Exo does it all, and they do it well.

If you want to switch up your order and get something a little more unique than your everyday latte, order a chiltepin cold brew, which is made with spicy peppers!

And if your tummys a grumblin pick up one of their super tasty breakfast sandwiches, breakky bowls, or to keep the Mexican food theme going, try their breakfast tacos!

18. Visit a Farmers Market

When you combine locally grown produce, artisans selling their creations, and food vendors all in one place, youve got yourself some farmers market bliss.

With a handful of farmers markets around the Tucson area, youll likely be able to squeeze one during your trip.

Here are 3 farmers markets that are closest to town, and are easy to work into your sightseeing schedule:

Rillito Park: Makes a good stop if youre headed up to Catalina State Park, Tohono Chul, or over to Sabino Canyon.

Oro Valley: Stop here on your way to Catalina State Park.

Rincon Valley: Make a stop here on your drive down to Colossal Cave.

We visited the market in Rincon Valley on our way to the Colossal Cave, and while not huge, it was a nice stop to browse some local artists work and nibble on kettle corn!

Hours: All the markets listed above have the same hours.

Winter Hours (Oct. - Mar.): Saturdays, 9 a.m. - 1 p.m.

Summer Hours (Apr. - Sept.): Saturdays, 8 a.m -12 p.m.

These farmers markets are all put together by an organization called Heirloom Farmers Markets, and you can find more info here.

19. Go on a Food Tour

Im someone who gets serious FOMO when it comes to food.

When visiting a city thats known for its food scene, I feel like I should try everything, which is not exactly an ideal habit for my waistline or my wallet.

If you can relate (yay, Im not alone!), youll want to keep reading because I recently found the cure: Food Tours!

Food tours are a way for you to try a little of each (my favorite!). Plus, your guide usually brings you to local spots you wouldn't find on your own, and gives you insight to the citys history, culture and culinary scene.

So if youre interested in food especially Mexican food (Tucsons pride and joy!), you might want to consider adding a food tour into your itinerary.

There are two companies that run highly-rated food tours in Tucson:

Tucson Food Tours

Taste of Tucson

Weve taken food tours all around the world, and wish we had time to take one on our trip to Tucson. Guess weve gotta save something for our next trip, right?!

20. Hang out in Mercado San Agustin

This square just west of downtown has a collection of high-end boutiques, produce vendors, artisans and eateries surrounding a pretty courtyard. We were there on a rainy day (a rare occurrence in Tucson!), but with nice weather, this would be a prime spot to wander and grab a bite.

Insider Tip: We were told that Seis Kitchen is amazing, and La Estrella Bakery also looks really good. Try them out and let us know what you think!

21. Eat a flight of Ice Cream

Can I confess something? I have an ice cream problem.

Someone once told me, No matter how full you are, theres always room for ice cream because it can fit in all the cracks! And I think Ive taken those words a little too seriously over the years.

This is coming from someone who almost missed the last train of the day in a tiny Italian village because I *needed* to get gelato. And someone who has (successfully) completed more than one ice cream eating challenge.

So lets just say you should consider me something of an expert on the topic of ice cream.

When I heard about the ice cream flights (yes flights!) at The Screamery, I told Ben we had to make it part of our itinerary.

And when I found out it was right across the street from our hotel as well as another highly rated ice cream shop (Hub), I told him we better go to both. Ya know, in order to research as many flavors as possible.

The Screamery: Tons of unique flavors to choose from, reasonable prices, and the option to have a flight!

Flavors we loved: Sweet Cream Honeycomb and Rough at Sea

Hub: A little more expensive, less choices, and no ice cream flight option (dang it!). But still seriously good ice cream.

Flavors we loved: Queen Bee and Mexican Hot Chocolate

Overall, theyre both really good choices. I think the ice cream was pretty similar in quality, so choose the one that has flavors youre more excited about.

22. Sample the best Craft Beer in Tucson

While not exactly the level of craft beer scene youll find in Portland, Tucson has a decent amount of breweries in town.

If youre a purveyor of craft brews (were right there with ya!), here are a few breweries youll want to check out:

Dragoon Brewing Company: Open warehouse-style brewery with a great selection of all kinds of brews. We sampled a flight here, and it was our favorite beer of the breweries we visited in Tucson, but a bit outside the center of town.

Barrio Brewing Co.: Rustic-chic brewery close to downtown with happy hour specials.

Public Brewhouse: Tucked in a dark alleyway, they brew a mean Belgian Dubbel. Worth a stop if youre exploring 4th Ave. Seems to be a pretty new spot, and popular with locals.

Pueblo Vida: Small, hip spot downtown with lots of unique fruit-forward IPAs and complex malty dark pours.

Gentle Bens Brewing: We wanted to visit this brewery just because of the name! Well, that, and it looks like they have some good brews!

Crooked Tooth Brewing Co.: Highly rated brews with a typical brick wall interior. Flights come on a skateboard!

Borderlands Brewing Company: German Chocolate Cake Porter, need I say more Okay I will: female head brewmaster, daily food trucks, & massive murals on the wall.

Iron Johns Brewing Company: Fantastic micro-brewery with crazy concoctions in the heart of downtown.

23. Soak up some speakeasy vibes

Weve been on a speakeasy kick lately. And Ive gotta say, Tucson has a few great options if youre looking for handcrafted cocktails, and a mysterious, 1920s-esque atmosphere.

The Independent Distillery: Pre-prohibition style bar serving their own spirits and enticing cocktails.

Surly Wench Pub: Good for a couple of drinks in what they call an industrial goth bar. The vibe we got was new-age biker bar but apparently the burgers are good.

Club Congress: Throw on your shiniest flapper dress and striped suit and step back in time to this historic bar. Not only do they host the best 1920s themed parties, they have a jammed-pack event calendar including rock bands, cabarets, free yoga and stand-up comics.

Tough Luck Club: In the basement of Reilly Craft Pizza (an old funeral home!), youll find this cozy cocktail bar. Oh, and outside is a beer garden if you prefer a more casual vibe.

24. Tequila toast at JW Marriott

When in the Arizona desert it only seems right to have some tequila! And do you know what the best kind of tequila is?

FREE tequila!

Now that Ive got your attention, lets talk about how to get that free tequila, shall we?

The JW Marriott is in a stunning location that gives new meaning to the term desert oasis. But even if you dont have the budget to splurge on a $250-per-night room, you can enjoy unrivaled views and a free tequila toast at sundown.

Simply show up to Salud, the Marriotts on-site bar and restaurant, to take part in their nightly tradition of raising a (complementary) shot of tequila and share the legend behind the classic Mexican cheers, arriba, abajo, al central, en dentro.

And of course as soon as the story is over, everyone gathered there is invited to raise their glasses and make a toast as the sun sets. Tequila is passed around at 5:30 p.m., so be sure to arrive a bit earlier to get a seat by a firepit and enjoy the view.

And if you feel so inclined, try one of their specialty handcrafted cocktails or order your liquor straight up from their selection of more than 150 tequilas. Who knew there were so many tequilas?!

25. Mezcal Tasting

Tequila gets a lot of hype in the US; but in Mexico, people are all about the mezcal!

We learned a lot about mezcal during our travels in Oaxaca, and have been really interested in tequilas smokier cousin ever since.

Whether youre a mezcal connoisseur or youve never heard of the stuff until now, doing a mezcal tasting is a great way to learn more about Mexicos favorite spirit.

While theyre best known for coffee, each Thursday starting at 7 p.m., Exo Coffee hosts an hour-long mezcal tasting at their onsite bar.

While sipping on samples of several high quality mezcal (they have a collection of more than 150 mezcals!), proprietor Doug Smith walks guests through everything youve ever wanted to know about this liquor. This informational tasting costs $20 and reservations are not necessary.

And if Thursday doesnt work for you, tastings are also offered Wednesdays and Sundays between 6 - 9 p.m. for $25. For these tastings, you must make a reservation in advance.

If youre not interested in a full tasting, you can always come during their bar hours to enjoy beer, wine, or mezcal cocktails. They have a great happy hour from 6 - 8 p.m., where cocktails are just $5, and beer and wine are $1 off.

26. Get your giggle on at a comedy show

Weve realized that comedy clubs almost always guarantee a night of fun! Plus, its a great way to spend an evening in a new city, and most big(ish) towns around the world have at least one comedy club.

Tucson is no exception. There are a handful of comedy clubs, but it seems that Laffs gets the biggest national names in stand-up, so we decided it would be a good way to spend our Friday night.

We gave the address of Laffs to our Uber drive and had no idea what to expect, but when we pulled up to a strip mall on the outskirts of suburbia, we were a little surprised.

And when we walked inside, we soon realized this no-frills club was not going to win us over on atmosphere. So we crossed our fingers that at least the show would be good

Lets just say that we were clutching our stomachs from laughing so hard for the next 90 minutes!

Weve been to enough comedy shows to know its not as much about the atmosphere as it is about the people on stage. The comics themselves are what are going to make the experience belly-hurts-from-laughing-so-hard good or just alright.

Theres always the off-chance that youll hate the comedians style of humor (which has happened to us in a comedy club with a top-notch atmosphere!).

We were at Laffs on a night with great talent, and hopefully youll catch a great line-up as well! Our advice is to read up on the comedian who is performing to see if youll like their style, or just show up with an open mind and ready for a laugh!

And dont worry, you wont go hungry or thirsty. There is a long list of cocktails with quirky names, a small selection of beer, and a menu of pub food and snacks.

Laffs has a handful of shows each week:

Thursdays: 8 p.m. Open Mic, free show!

Friday: 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m., doors open at 7 p.m.

Saturday: 7 p.m. and 9:30 p.m., doors open at 6 p.m.

Cost:

General Seating: $12.50

Preferred Seating: $17.50

You can pay in advance, or you can make a reservation but pay at the door.

Check out their schedule to see upcoming shows.

Psst! If youre into improv or are looking for a family-friendly comedy show, Unscrewed Theater might be more your scene.

27. Spend the evening at a Film Bar

Check Casa Film Bar's Facebook Page for New Showings

Looking for something fun and lowkey to do at night in Tucson? Oh, we have got just the idea for you!

Combine craft beer, food trucks and movies (three of our favorite things!), and youre in for a great time. Youll find this magical combo at Casa Film Bar, which is something of a local secret.

Essentially a bar inside a video rental store, come on a weekend night and youll be able to enjoy a movie showing with a craft brew (or wine or coffee).

They play films ranging from 90s classics, like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, to little-known indie films, to brand new Oscar nominees (Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was playing while we were there, just 6 months after being released in theaters).

Casa Film Bar Schedule:

Films & rotating food trucks: Thursday, Fridays & Saturdays (check their Facebook page for showtimes and to see which food truck will be there).

Smartphone Trivia: Tuesdays from 7 - 9 p.m. (free to play & winners get prizes)

Food Truck only: Sundays 6 - 8 p.m., Pop's Hot Chicken is the Sunday evening staple

Not only will you be supporting one of the few standing video rental stores left, but youll be able to check out a local hot spot and have an all around good evening!

28. Live Music in Tucson

While Tucson certainly wont make the cut for top live music cities in the US, that doesnt mean you should give up hope on catching a performance. In fact, as we wandered around downtown and along 4th Ave, we heard more bands performing than we could count!

From hipster bars to honky tonks, and century-old theaters to swanky resort patios, youll have plenty of choices when it comes to choosing a spot to catch some tunes.

Here are some of the venues in Tucson that regularly host live music:

Thunder Canyon Brewery: Large brewery downtown that hosts live music.

La Cocina: This restaurant has a large menu and an even bigger patio, complete with cafe lights and live music on the weekends.

Club Congress: Its hard to beat the atmosphere youll find in Club Congress, though most acts that come through here require you buy a ticket in advance.

Ches Lounge: Yummy cocktails and beer with an outdoor patio and stage for music.

Exo Coffee: Not just a coffee shop, Exo also has a mezcal bar and hosts live music most weekend nights!

Hacienda Del Sols Terraza: If you prefer your live music with a side of class and a bottle of fine wine, the patio at Hacienda del Sol is a good place to catch some jazz or classical tunes as the sun sets.

29. Nightlife on 4th Ave

Being that this street sits directly between the university campus and downtown, it draws a young student crowd as well as a mix of young professionals and tourists. And lemme tell ya: It comes alive at night!

You can find all sorts of quirky bars, restaurants of all kinds, cafes with poetry readings, and shops selling everything from cowboy boots to hippy garb.

Walk down 4th Ave and pop into any establishment that strikes your fancy.

30. Brunch in Tucson

Need a pick-me-up after a big night out on 4th Ave? Lucky for you, Tucson has some amazing brunch options thatll get you feeling like yourself in no time!

Insider Tip: If youre looking for a kickass Bloody Mary to start your day, Elliotts on Congress is where youll want to go. Their infused vodkas make a great base for the drink, and if you like spicy, order the Habanero Bloody for a real wake up call!

And even if youre not hungover, who doesnt love a good brunch?

Seasonal fruit, eggs, flaky pastries fresh outta the oven, housemade jam youre speaking my language! Oh, and we cant forget about the mimosas and bloody Marys.

Tucson has a healthy variety of brunch spots that are sure to strike your fancy:

Prep and Pastry

Cup Cafe

Baja Cafe

Five Points Market

Cafe a La CArt

Art, Culture & History in Tucson

For lovers of all things art, history and culture, theres no shortage of ways to fill up your time in Tucson. Were sharing some of the top things to do if you want to delve into this citys history and art scene.

31. Hunt for Street Art!

Tucsons street art scene is off the hook!

Ermmm do people even say off the hook anymore? Im going to assume no, but still, you know what I mean.

Youll notice colorful murals covering the sides of buildings all over town. Depictions range from desert scenes, to whales and fish, to cultural references, to random but pretty paintings of birds

You really wont have to make much of an effort to spot murals around town, but if you want some direction, here are some of our personal favorite murals in Tucson (and their location pins):

Whale mural by Joe Pagac

Goddess of Agave

Greetings from Tucson Postcard

Girl in Barrio Viejo (Across the street from El Tiradito)

Girl by Charro del Rey

32. Visit Mission San Xavier del Bac

One of Tucsons most iconic buildings, the Mission San Xavier del Bac is a not only a historic landmark, but it also still operates as a church to this day. If you happen to visit on a Sunday, you might just see a church service taking place.

This building is a beautiful example of 18th-century architecture, and has been nicknamed the White Dove of the Desert. As you wander around the mission and church property, youll notice influences of Renaissance, Byzantine and Mexican architecture styles.

If youre interested in hearing about the churchs history, consider taking a guided tour. They are free to join and dont require making a reservation. Simply show up at the museum entrance to join in this 45-minute tour. Tours run quite frequently, but timing depends on the season. Check here for tour hours.

Feeling hungry? If you happen to be visiting Mission San Xavier del Bac on a weekend, keep your eyes peeled for food vendors from the Tohono Oodham Nation who often sell frybread tacos in the open-air market space just across from the mission.

Frybread is pretty much just what it sounds like, a dough (sort of similar in appearance to naan) that has been deep fried to golden deliciousness. This traditional Native American staple is then topped with different ingredients, either sweet or savory.

Weve tried frybread tacos once before, and theyre really tasty. Theyre not all that easy to find in most places, so do yourself a favor and try one while youre at the mission!

Mission San Xavier del Bac Hours:

Hours: 7 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Cost: Free, donations welcome

Insider Tip: If you arrive in Tucson at a reasonable hour and arent too tired, wed recommend heading straight to Mission San Xavier from the airport, as its quite close (and a bit out of the way to come from downtown Tucson). Alternatively, you could stop for a quick visit before heading to the airport on your way out of Tucson.

33. Visit the historic Hotel Congress

It might seem strange that we have a hotel on our list of things to do, but hear us out...

Nestled right in the center of downtown, Hotel Congress is the stuff of local legends. Built just after the turn of the 20th century, it was here that John Dillinger, an infamous American gangster during the Great Depression era, was arrested and brought to jail.

Although he later escaped, Tucsonians take great pride in the fact that Dillinger, a prolific bank robber, was caught in their city. They are so proud, in fact, that there is an annual celebration and recreation of these events which takes place each year in mid-January (we were actually there for it!).

Hotel Congress still retains its quirky, colorful, historic charm. And walking into the lobby feels as if youve stepped back in time. Grab a drink at one of the many onsite bars, or catch a concert at Club Congress. And if you want to spend the night, the historic rooms are cozy, however, there is a caveat...

Our honest opinion: We stayed at Hotel Congress during our trip to Tucson, and while we would definitely recommend stopping in for a drink and checking it out, we would not advise staying here unless youre in Tucson to party.

They dont try to hide the fact that this hotel gets loud like really loud at night. There are even ear plugs in each room. Lets just say we did not sleep very well during our entire 3 nights in Tucson.

Interesting Fact: It is said that Hotel Congress is haunted! While were not ones to really believe these things, we did have a very weird experience where our closet door swung open suddenly. And at night, the 2nd floor where we were staying smelled like smoke from a fire. Spooky...

34.DeGrazia Gallery in the Sun

If youre an art buff, the DeGrazia Gallery in the Sun makes an interesting stop. This is a gallery dedicated to the works of one man: Ettore Ted DeGrazia.

Dont worry, I hadnt heard of him either; but DeGrazia is pretty well-known in Arizona.

So who is Ettore DeGrazia? Well, heres the short version:

DeGrazia was born into a family of Italian immigrants who lived in a mining camp in rural Arizona. Ettore later enrolled at the University of Arizona, and created a life around his passion: art.

In adulthood, he married (twice) and bought a 10-acre plot of land in the foothills of the Santa Catalina Mountains which would become both his home and gallery.

His works were underappreciated for many years until his oil painting Los Nios was selected by UNICEF to be printed on a 1960 holiday card, which sold millions worldwide. DeGrazias fame spread during the next decade, drawing hundreds of thousands of visitors to his gallery each year.

Visiting the Gallery in the Sun

A visit to the Gallery in the Sun will leave you in awe at the sheer amount of artwork DeGrazia created in his lifetime. The museum has a rotating collection of more than 15,000 DeGrazia originals! Anyone else wondering how he had enough hours in the day to make all of this?!

DeGrazia liked using all different mediums. Youll see oils, watercolors, sketches and even pottery on display. And another impressive fact is that the gallery was designed by DeGrazia himself.

When you visit the Gallery in the Sun, not only will you see DeGrazias artwork, but youll also be able to walk through his home and his private chapel, both of which are on the property.

Hours: 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., daily

Cost: $8 for adults, $5 for ages 12-18, children under 12 are free

35. Wander the gardens at Tohono Chul

Hailed as one of the countrys best botanical gardens by Travel + Leisure, Tohono Chul is popular with locals and visitors alike. Covering nearly 50 acres, this is said to be a place where nature, art, and culture connect.

But were not gonna gloss over the fact that when we visited in mid-January, there wasnt all that much to see due to the transition of seasons.

Wed imagine during other times of the year, there are more things to see. Weve heard March is particularly beautiful with the desert flowers starting to bloom. They also host occasional live music and other events throughout the year.

Our Opinion: Before planning your visit, wed do some research to see if it will be worthwhile during the season in which youre visiting. Perhaps between the months of March and May there would be more to see, as the desert flowers are in bloom during this time.

Hours: 8 a.m. - 5 .p.m.

Cost: Adults - $15, Children (5-12) - $6, Children under 5 - Free, Seniors (62+) - $13

36. Explore Barrio Viejo

Translating to old neighborhood, Barrio Viejo is just that: a section of Tucson that still has old charm. Sometimes called the real "soul" of Tucson, you can drive around and see colorful Spanish Colonial architecture and find authentic Mexican restaurants.

While some parts of the neighborhood are lively, there are other sections that have a run-down feeling.

We drove around Barrio Viejo for a while trying to find some of the beautiful, colorful adobe houses we had seen pictures of.

So to point you in the right direction (and minimize your time spent driving around in circles like we did!), here are some points of interest in Barrio Viejo (Note: please be respectful in this neighborhood because people do live here):

Colorful houses on S Meyer Ave and W Kennedy St (and further south on Meyer Ave until 22nd St)

El Tiradito Shrine (described below)

El Minuto Cafe: Mexican restaurant next to El Tiradito

The Coronet: brunch and late night food

Five Points Market & Restaurant: cute and lively brunch spot

Cafe Desta: popular Ethiopian restaurant

37. Visit El Tiradito Shrine

If youre exploring the Barrio Viejo neighborhood, make a quick visit to the El Tiradito Shrine. Stopping here only requires a few minutes and to the naked eye its nothing too special.

It is scattered with candles, flowers, and images of saints. But this is no ordinary shrine, folks. And once you know the legend behind this shrine, its kind of an interesting place to see.

Nicknamed the wishing shrine, El Tiradito is the USs only Catholic shrine dedicated to a.... wait for it SINNER! Scandalous, I know. But thats not even the crazy part.

Heres the short version of the legend of Juan Oliveras, the man who is buried beneath El Tiradito Shrine: Juan, a young ranch-hand, is married to his bosss daughter, but soon becomes infatuated with his mother-in-law (yep, you read that right), and makes a move. The two carry on an affair, which is eventually busted by the husband/father-in-law/boss. Ouch!

He gets so angry that he kills Juan right there before escaping to Mexico, where he is later murdered. The wife allegedly kills herself, and after all this horrifying drama and death, the daughter (who, by the way, we should mention is pregnant with Juans child) hangs herself as well.

It is said that Juan is buried beneath El Tiradito, a shrine that people visit for all different reasons. Some come out of sheer curiosity about the legend and others see it on a things to do in Tucson list, like this one!

But there is another group of people who come to this spot: Those who empathize with Juan and have similar love triangles in their own lives. It is said that if you write your wish on a piece of paper and have good intentions, it will come true.

Just behind the shrine is a crumbling brick wall, and if you look closely, youll see scraps of paper stuffed in the holes between bricks, many of which are wishes from past visitors.

This shrine was almost demolished when the city was building a new highway, but people in the community fought to preserve it. Perhaps they want to protect history, or maybe some people are protecting their wishes!

38. Step back in time at Old Tucson

Old Tucson | Photo Credit: My Mom ;)

Walk through what looks like a scene straight out of a John Wayne film, and watch as actors from the Wild West perform demonstrations and stunts.

Old Tucson is an amusement park of sorts, complete with a town hall, a saloon and a haunted mine, like all good Western desert towns have.

We didnt have enough time to visit Old Tucson during our weekend trip, and to be honest, it didnt really seem like our type of place. However, if youre looking for things to do in Tucson with kids, this could be a fun activity for a family.

Be sure to look up the schedule of events to time your visit right.

Cost: Adults: $21.95, Children (4-11): $10.95, Children under 4: Free

Hours: 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. (times may change seasonally)

Best Tucson Weekend Itinerary

Are you overwhelmed with the massive list we just gave you?

Dont worry, were going to help you pare it down a bit. Below, weve listed some highlights you can choose from based on your travel style:

If you love the outdoors:

Visit Saguaro National Park

Hike to Seven Falls in Sabino Canyon

Drive up to Mount Lemmon and stop on the way for hikes and lookout points

Explore Romero Ruins in Catalina

If youre traveling with kids in Tucson:

Do the Classic Tour at Colossal Cave

Sonoran Desert Museum

Go horseback riding

Order an ice cream flight at The Screamery

Visit Old Tucson

If youre into food:

Eat a Sonoran Dog

Check out our list of top Mexican food and try as many as you can!

Have a leisurely brunch

Order an ice cream flight at The Screamery

Go on a Tucson food tour

Try a vegan Mexican meal at Tumerico

If youre an art & culture lover:

Check out the Degrazia Gallery in the Sun

Explore Barrio Viejo and visit El Tiradito Shrine

Visit Tohono Chul botanical gardens (if the time of year is right)

Spend an evening at Casa Film Bar

Visit the Tucson Museum of Art

If youre into nightlife:

Tequila toast at the JW Marriot at sunset

Go brewery hopping

Scope out some live music

Grab a drink at Hotel Congress

Head to 4th Ave after dark for a night on the town

Do a mezcal tasting

If youre on a budget:

Do the scenic drive to Mount Lemmon

Go on a scavenger hunt to find as much street art as you can!

Watch sunset at A Hill with a view over Tucson

Have a picnic lunch

If youre craving adventure:

Go mountain biking

Go horseback riding

Book the Ladder or Wild Cave Tour at Colossal Cave

Hike to Seven Falls in the Sabino Canyon

Best time to visit Tucson, Arizona

Tucson is a great destination year round, however it can get quite hot in the summertime (albeit a dry heat). June is the hottest month in Tucson, with average highs soaring to 103F (40C). Yikes!

For the most comfortable temperatures, plan your trip to Tucson between mid-September and mid-May.

Even during December (Tucsons coldest month), the average temperature hovers just above 50F (10C) and it rarely dips below freezing. This weather will feel downright balmy to anyone from the Midwest (peace out Polar Vortex!).

Being that Tucson is smack dab in the middle of the desert, there is little chance that rain will ruin your vacation (unless youre traveling during the monsoon season of July and August). We arrived in Tucson on a rare rainy day, but by the next morning, most of the puddles had evaporated and there wasnt a cloud to be seen!

Another thing to keep in mind about this desert city is that temperatures can drop drastically from midday to evening. Be sure to pack layers to keep warm during the nights.

When Do the Desert Flowers Bloom?

It depends on the plant, but the flowering season is from mid-February to mid-June, with the biggest blooms peaking from mid-March to late April. Each year is different depending on rainfall, freezing temperatures during the winter, and springtime weather during the growing season.

Where to Stay in Tucson

Most of the time when were visiting a city, we like staying downtown so we can walk places and be near all the major sights. But depending on your interests, Tucson is a place where wed actually say you dont need to stay in the city center. As you can see from reading our massive list of things to do, many of Tucson's major attractions are on the outskirts of the city.

Weve rounded up some recommended Tucson hotels and Airbnbs below, with a mix of locations in the city as well as some that are a literal desert oasis.

Hotels in Tucson, Arizona

JW Marriott Tucson Starr Pass Resort

In the foothills of Tucsons Mountain Park, sits the massive JW Marriott Tucson Starr Pass Resort. With easy access to Gates Pass and the Western Side of Saguaro National Park, this resort has a great location. It also has 3 golf courses, 4 restaurants (with a daily tequila toast!), and 3 outdoor pools, you can really enjoy your stay in Tucson.

Azure Gate B&B

Located in NE Tucson, this charming B&B is a quick drive to the Sabino Canyon Recreation Area or the East Side of Saguaro National Park. Included in each stay is daily ( breakfast, an onsite pool, and free parking.

Hotel McCoy - Art, Coffee, Beer, Wine

This modern hotel is perfect for a couple or a family who wants to stay a little bit outside of downtown. There are murals everywhere (check out the pictures!), an excellent staff, and a daily continental breakfast.

Hotel Congress

If youre looking to stay downtown, Hotel Congress has an unrivaled location. Add to that its historic charm, and you might be ready to book. However, we would be remiss if we didnt mention that this hotel is directly above a club, and it can get incredibly loud on weekend nights.

So loud, in fact, that the hotel provides guests with ear plugs. If that doesnt scare you away, then you might love staying at this historic property.

Airbnbs in Tucson

There are tons of amazing Airbnb options in Tucson. Overall, they are very reasonably priced, and some even have pools. Just take a look at some of the Airbnbs we hand-selected for you!

Insider Tip: Find out how we set our Airbnb filters to find the best properties anywhere in the world!

'Case Study' Guest House: Charming guest house and hosts. Youll have the entire place yourself with a full kitchen and a rain shower in the bathroom. Southeast of Downtown. Check Availability here.

Historic 4th Ave Herbie House: Beautiful studio apartment in the 4th Avenue Neighborhood. Close to bars, restaurants and the metro stops. Check Availability here.

Sonoran Desert Retreat: This inexpensive but lovely place is located in the Catalina Foothills close to shops and restaurants. This would be perfect for a couple looking to get away from the busyness of town. Check Availability here.

Self Check in Airbnb - Near I-10: This cheap Airbnb is located in the northern suburbs of Tucson and is great for a solo travel or a couple wanting to mountain bike the local tracks. Its a small, clean studio, but it has everything you need for a basic stay. Check Availability here.

Tucson Poet's Studio: This Santa Fe Style studio comes with a beehive corner fireplace and a small lounging outdoor pool. Its pretty close to central Tucson just a few blocks east of the university, so its a great location for exploring. Check Availability here.

Psst! Is it your first time using Airbnb? Follow this link and well give you $55 off Airbnb!

Getting Around Tucson

While Tucson itself is a relatively small city, youve probably noticed that most of the major attractions are outside the center. In order to be able to see the best things to do in Tucson, you really do need a car to get around.

Rental Car

If youre flying into Tucson, you can pick up your rental car at the airport. We usually reserve cars through RentalCars.com because we have used them before and they have the best deals for rental cars. When searching I found deals around $36 per day for a standard sedan, which is all you would need in Tucson.

However, this time, we tried reserving our rental car through our American Express Platinum card and we found the same cars for about $23 per day! This saved us about $40 over the 3 days we were visiting Tucson. Head to this article if you want to learn more about the travel credit cards we use to get free or discounted travel.

When driving in Tucson: Be aware that some areas have speed traps enforced by cameras, so keep an eye on your odometer.

Uber or Lyft

If you plan to have a few beverages out on the town, dont risk driving. Instead, order an Uber to get you where you need to go. Downtown Tucson is not that big so rides are pretty cheap.

Metro

In Tucson there is a Light Rail metro line called the SunLink that connects University of Arizona to the 4th Ave District to Downtown (Centro) and finally to the Mercado District including Mercado San Agustin.

For a single one-way fare it costs $1.75, but you can purchase a 1-Day SunGO ticket for $4.50 which is good for 24 hours.

What to pack for a trip to Tucson

Camelback (if you think youll be hiking a lot)

Daypack for hikes

Chacos or other hiking shoes that wont get too hot

Closed toe shoes (for horseback riding or mountain biking)

Layers (it gets cold at night and hot during the day)

Swim suit (if your hotel has a pool)

Sunscreen

Sunglasses

Reusables: Weve been kind of living in a bubble in Oregon where plastic bags are banned and many establishments encourage you to bring your own reusables, or provide a somewhat eco-friendly option (like wooden utensils and paper straws).

While many Tucson restaurants and accommodations, like Charro Vida, Boca Tacos y Tequila and Hotel Congress, offer eco-friendly options, there is still a lot of room for improvement when it comes to reducing unnecessary waste (just like many other cities around the U.S.).

We had our reusables packed (as we always do!) which helped a bit, but it was still a challenge.

Responsible Travel Tip: Pack your reusables (listed below), and eat inside restaurants as much as possible to avoid waste like styrofoam and plastic utensils.

Its difficult to avoid it altogether, but wed recommend bringing the following to help you reduce the waste you create:

Coffee tumbler

Utensil set (great for picnics!)

Reusable straws

Reusable bag (one that stuffs up like this is great!)

Water bottle

For more tips on how to reduce your waste while traveling, check out our article on 18 Simple Ways to Reduce Your Plastic Use Everyday.