#and thats my undergrad home by the way

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[stayarmytinyzenmoa-l]

just marathoned the infatuation sungchan story <//3 i love sungchan too much sorry renjun if i see him in the pet store i would have fallen head over heels

i kinda wanna see the infatuation series to be like flipped (??) idk how to explain but yn is basically the yandere one or theyre also a yandere w him obsessing w eo

like yn and somi going to the pet store and he gets infatuated by sungchan with how cute he is and completely forgotten theyre getting stalked and becomes obsessed w sungchan

but also a part 2 of the recent sungchan drabble sounds good it may be angst but also comfort fluff w yn becoming guilty over leaving sungchan and even though somi and renjun is near they ran cause what is happening w sungchan? they see him crying and they comfort him (u could make it seem like somi and renjun followed yn idk)

INFATUATION thats a name i haven't seen in my inbox in a hot sec (aside from that one req) but also ugsdfhgfdjhg no me too Sungchan u caught my heart boyo!!!!

But also you know what I actually toyed with an idea similar before but with a different idol group, ATEEZ. It's in the drafts rn, but the whole thing is Seonghwa is the first Yan while YN goes through some descent into madness but yeah fun stuff! Maybe that will be a spooky season thing hehe

But no yeah that's a solid idea! There was a time that I planned to do a silly after-end thing once I finally sat down and finished Johnny's ending buuuuut we'll see hehehe anyway a part 2 👀 sure why not?

~

Infatuation AU Pairing: Yandere!Sungchan x Reader TW: Unsettling themes, Blood, Implied Self Harm Notes: I can see the need for a good ending but these infatuated boys will never know joy >:) [Part 1]

"Oh my god, (Y/N)!" Somi's arms wrapped around you tight, not letting you go for a minute, even when you eventually separated her hand still held yours. "Where have you been? We've been so worried!" She clasps her hands over yours now across the booth. You'd both decided to meet up at the Starbucks by campus, it was just the easiest place to pinpoint, you'd spent almost all of your undergrad there together and, for some reason, it seemed to be the safest place right now.

"I... I don't even know where to start, Soms..." you shook your head slowly. "I missed you guys so much..."

"Where were you?" Her eyes were desperate.

"Do you..." You looked around. "Do you remember Sungchan?"

"That kid from the pet store? What about him?" You were silent, and Somi pieced the story together herself. But, before she could say anymore, the door to the cafe opened and someone rushed in.

"Somi! I came as soon as you called!" Renjun was frantic, but he seemed to calm down as soon as he saw you. And you felt your heart melt at him. "(Y/N)..." your name was fragile on his lips. "Oh my god, (Y/N)," he reached for you and, for some reason, you flinched back, and Renjun's heart broke.

"Sorry," you muttered, rubbing your wrists habitually. Renjun fell into the seat next to Somi.

"What happened?" If Somi was desperate, Renjun was crazed. "Months, no contact, no sign, we've been looking for you nonstop and here you are... okay," he says. You didn't blame him for looking this way, hell, he's never looked worse.

"It's such a long story," you said. Then, your phone rang. And you answered it before Somi and Renjun could even think of looking at it.

"Hello?" You said quietly. The other two listened with baited breath.

"... Where are you?" Sungchan's voice was quiet too. You hesitated.

"At a Starbucks," you didn't exactly lie.

"... where?" He asked again. You swallowed harshly. "Please come home, I'm sorry, I know I said you could go, but... I didn't think you'd be gone this long. Please come home. I don't know what I'm going to do without you here. Come home, (Y/N)."

"I," you looked at your friends and you couldn't read their expressions. "I'll be right there." You rushed out. You remembered the last time this happened, the last time you were gone for just a bit too long and at that time you were just in the pet shop with the bunnies, imagine now, you're in a whole other town, and you had to take the taxi just to get home.

You were fumbling with the keys to the apartment when you realized the sheer ridiculousness of your statement. Home? When did you consider this hellhole your home? You didn't know. You didn't even have time to close the door when you ran in.

"Sungchan?" You looked around the apartment. It was quiet, too quiet. You started opening doors and cabinets, anything you'd think to check regardless of whether it was plausible or not, until, finally, you looked in the bathroom. You threw open the shower curtain, and Sungchan sat in the bathtub, legs pulled up to his chest and shirt twisted in such a strange way that you couldn't even fathom how it got like that in the first place. Sungchan looked up at you, phone still in his hand as if you were still on it, and he relaxed. "Oh..." you pitied him. And he reached for you, wrapping his arms around your legs and pressing his head against your thighs. You bent down slowly, adjusting so he was holding your shoulders instead. "It's okay, I'm here," you reassured him.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"It's fine, it's fine," you comforted him.

"I thought I was ready."

"It's fine," you ran your hands through his hair now.

"I..." Sungchan is cut off by a gasp. You look to the door and Somi has her hands over her mouth and Renjun... he was just quiet.

"Blood... blood," Somi's voice was muffled. You pulled Sungchan away from you for just a moment and near gagged. How did you not see that before.

"What the fuck..." Renjun mutters. "This? This is what you've had to do for months? Oh fuck..." he mumbles. His hand clutched his phone. "I'm calling the cops."

"Call an ambulance first! Oh god!" Somi panics.

"Sung? Sungchan?" You held his face in your hands and you look down at his arms again. "Why?!"

"You took too long."

~

General Tag List: @stopeatread @bat-shark-repellant @raeincitizen @umbralhelwolf @yangsrose @kazooms @sadcoffeecritic 

NCT Tag List: @cherrylovr @minjiville  

Infatuation: @lune1897 @beefchippp @nawkamoto @shiningstar-byulxx @treasuretaeil @jaesspresso @huangberryyy @yutafrita

If you want to be added to either tag list or removed just send me a reply to this post, and ask, or a DM and I’ll add you as soon as possible!

[everythingsinred]

Previous anon. Honestly nothing made me happier than seeing natsume and mikan well and happy in the spin off manga, just together and happy. Ofc i do miss Hotaru and i hope she managed to get back to the gang bc they are just not complete without her.

I wanted to ask you: do you have any HCs regarding the quartet (yes including Hotaru being back) in their mundane day to day highschool time? How is studying for them, what do they all wanna be when thry graduste? Are any of them going to go to university? How fast are Natsume and Mikan going to be married? Anyone any kids? Maybe a dog or cats?

thanks for the ask <3 yeah my absolute favorite part of the spin off was seeing natsumikan as an official couple! theyre so cute <3 im incapable of thinking of a post-kageki universe where they dont reunite with hotaru.

tsubasa mentions around chapter 73 or 74 that the last couple years of the high school count as university credit but that some students choose to continue college to gain more knowledge. i feel like perhaps hotaru would be in that category. she is very lazy but i think she'd want to refine her skills. if not that, then i could see her easily taking off with a career right out of school since she already has an impressive following. her future is pretty solid.

ruka wants to be a vet and i'm not entirely sure how vet training would work in alice academy? it's a pretty lengthy process in the normal world--about 8 years (4 undergrad, 4 at vet school). if the last 2-3 years of alice academy hs are the equivalent of a typical 4 year university, then ruka would still have to continue the 4 years of vet school to get his credential. in any case, he's pretty passionate about it. he doesn't seem like he puts much effort into school while in elementary school, but i think he'd put his all into vet school because he'll be doing something he really loves.

i can see mikan pursuing a teaching job or maybe nursing--something where she can help people. it would HAVE to be a people-oriented occupation, where she interacts with lots of people and is more hands-on. in either case, she could probably start right away after graduation and since nepotism is real and she's close friends with most of the staff, she's a shoe-in for a teaching position for sure.

i can't imagine natsume having a job he's passionate about. i don't think natsume would ever be passionate about labor, no matter what it is. i've read all kinds of fics, where natsume goes on to be a spy or work in security or what have you, but to be honest i don't think natsume would EVER elect to be in a dangerous field after being a child soldier for so many years. idk cant he be mikan's stay at home husband? cant he have a break? if he must have a job, i'd hate it if he did anything dangerous; i much prefer to imagine him doing something calm and laid-back.

as for the marriage question.... i can see them getting married ASAP. like right away tbh. natsume has a terminal illness after all! but thats not fully relevant to me bc i cant imagine a future where natsume doesnt get "cured" in some way. i just cant. in any case they were 12 when they got engaged so they're the kind of couple that moves fast FOR SURE. they'd get married as soon as it becomes a possibility. i talk about the possibility of nm children here, too.

as for other characters...

idk really. i can see tsubasa and misaki for sure having kids. the other class b characters might have kids but probably not right away. i can see ruka for sure having pets always. maybe natsumikan get a kitty. that would be cute!

i have a lot of hcs actually but i feel like this has gotten pretty long so i'll leave it at that for now. thanks for sending me this ask! i appreciate it ;-; <3

[darlinguistics]

future thoughts !

i dont talk about too far in the future on this blog that much and thats bc my view of the future beyond the present semester has always been so inconstant butttt i think i can kinda see what im gonna do.

i should be graduating next fall, and i kinda always assumed i would be applying for grad schools then, take advantage of getting spring off and the summer, and start grad school the next fall. but then i realized.. oh my god wait what. grad school already? what the fuck? nah no way.

so ive decided on a gap year actually possibly several lol, which i feel kinda silly taking this long to come to that decision, cuz now that i have im like.. yeah duh why would i ever not take a gap year, who do i think i am going straight to grad school tbh lol

but i have more than a few friends who are also grad school bound and theyre mostly on like fast tracks to get there right out of undergrad or just very passionate about going right to it yknow, and so even though i knew gap years were super common and typical i guess i kinda forgot it was an option. im pretty easily influenced i guess

my rough plan is to graduate, and then work on getting certified as a speech-language pathology assistant! which is another option i always knew about but for some reason never really considered! i think its a good option for me because i have a lot of i guess imposter syndrome about the clinical side of things. i know that im smart and capable in theory, but im not as confident about my abilities to actually think on my feet, recognize and apply things irl, all that good stuff all the hands on tangible stuff yknow. which is ironically what im most passionate about, actually working with real people, but its also what i feel least qualified for lol. i think getting that experience before studying in grad school as opposed to during and after grad school is the most effective path for me in terms of making sure i learn and become the professional i wanna be. cuz i think if i just jumped into studies with the lingering work anxiety in the back of my head and making me too nervous and anxious most of the time then i wont be of the right mind to properly take things in and retain things or even think well and put my best foot forward yknow? i just know myself and my process and i know i need time to settle like that

i know i love learning and i know im very capable, but i kinda need a lot to get there, and ive been learning to come to terms with that and work with it instead of against it lately. when i think of going right to grad school with little or no break before and all this anxiety i still have, if im being honest i can only see myself burning out and both hurting myself while also not becoming who i even want to be. ik grad school will be stressful enough just in its own right, i want to have as much of a handle over my mental health as i can before i start instead of setting myself up for failure and two more years of feeling like im barely surviving my education. but taking a year or two or three to explore the field just as an assistant and learn things by immersion and idk just let my nervous system get used to the experience of it, so that i go through grad school relatively calmly and learning all the things i want to learn without my own worries or self sabotage ruining the experience and then come out of it as the competent professional i dream to be, that feels a lot better to me, that feels right and hopeful to me instead of intimidating and dreadful.

so coming to those decisions has lifted a lot of my anxiety lately and makes me kinda even excited instead of scared of graduation approaching. but theres still uncertain things, i have to figure out housing after graduation because while i do hypothetically have a home to go back to, it would be me sleeping on the couch and my mental health is godawful at home sooo, thats gonna be a stressor for a bit but itll get figured out. the slp-a certification is kinda new-ish and part of it includes 100 hours of clinical work and passing an exam, so those parts make me worry about how long the whole thing might take but i dont think it should take too long the whole process?? but i still need to research things more. also what else would i be doing with the time anyway yknow? idk why i feel the need to rush myself and like things need to happen so fast. its fine if things are uncertain and in progress for a while im in my 20s man yknow thats kinda just life. my biggest actual worry is i just want to be able to get housing and im pretty optimistic about that im kinda planning to look into it more over winter break with my mom.

but yeah thats where im at!! i love love love being a student but i also cannot fucking wait to not be one and just be working. i need a break from the echo chamber of my abstract thoughts, i want to interact with people and learn things hands on and intuitively with less pressure, pls let me out of my enclosure i want to see the WORLDDD

[lushlagoon]

unposted from 090624

Today was my last day of undergrad class. I am still in London, and my parents arrive tonight and we will go to Paris together tomorrow morning. I had two interviews last night for jobs I dont want.

I was sat in the kitchen of our study abroad office writing my last final essay ever, looking through my girlfriends tagged instagram photos from summer 2023. she looked to happy and free and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the fleeting of time. I will never have another "free summer". I started crying and had snot dripping down my face.

its reminding me of high school. how I had just started feeling like a real teenager, doing bad things and being loud with my friends. covid happened and I couldn't see any of them, it was like this thing I had been building up in my head my entire life was gone and im still waiting for it. I told my parents I didnt want to go to prom because I was scared of covid, but it was really because I couldn't face the concept of people realizing how fat id gotten.

im accidentally doing the same thing to myself again in college, expecting 4 years but only getting 3. I dont know why I did this to myself and I wish I had given myself more time. I just wish I had had one summer, free, with my friends just having fun. thats what high school was supposed to be. I kind of had that after covid but idk, I loved it but there was supposed to be more. im really grateful for what I had.

I am excited to return to my friends that I consider lifelong but I worry I shouldn't hold onto them so tight. maybe I am making up this connection and it isn't real.

I dont think I have felt anything fully since I started dating my last boyfriend. he would drive me home and I would feel angry and sad like a little kid. maybe I will start feeling things again soon.

my professor ended class in a heartbreakingly sentimental way. he said "life is about running out of time, and we have run out of time". im tearing up thinking about it. I dont want to run out of time.

I did abbey road with Serena this day. it was fun.

im scared of being an adult and having to work. I will freak out when im back in San Diego and unemployed and all my friends are in school. I will freak out when im back in San Diego and employed and all my friends are in school. I need to chill.

[47-bunnies-in-a-labcoat]

thanks for taking the time to write a response that long! I rlly appreciate the honesty!

I think the biggest part that's driving my anxiety abt the whole thing is that for me, going from undergrad to grad is almost guaranteed to require moving cities and countries and will drastically affect my and my partners living situation. I suppose that, despite us having plans should it not work out the way I'm hoping, thats the reason I've been clinging to the hopes of getting to the one specific program that would make that easier. Especially so bc in addition to all that I also just tend to have high expectations for myself and i worry that it's also gonna hit my self esteem hard. Same goes for my motivation - there's always that worry that I'll have to end up in a field I just rlly don't enjoy.

I guess it's mostly a thing abt accepting that things are gonna be a bit messy and won't go the way they're planned - and that that's okay. When I think abt it, there've been so many moments during my degree where I've found new fields I'm interest in that I never knew abt, or where I've realized that I actually rlly enjoy things I didn't think I would before. And I guess the same goes for grad programs - there's so many fields out there, even if it's not the specific one I'm hoping for, I will still be able to find ones I'll enjoy and thrive in. And no matter how messy, my partner and I will make it work out - we have till now and we will going forward.

Idk how long it'll take for me to accept that uncertainty fully and i don't think I'll ever stop worrying and being anxious - it's like my main character trait lmao. But I rlly appreciate the perspective on it alot - helps realize that even if it's not the ideal program right away, there's so much out there that I will find some day find something I can feel at home in.

TYSM! c:

any tips on dealing with the fear of not getting into the biology grad-program you want bc it has very limited spots ?

This isn't the advice you want to hear. But... you're probably not going to get into the exact graduate program you want.

I applied to 12 schools for my PhD. I had a top choice for a graduate program that felt perfect. I already had my master's, putting me above applicants coming straight out of their bachelor's (For people in Europe, Oceania, and elsewhere- US PhDs are 5-7 years, but don't require any other postgrad education[although it helps for applications][also the rest of North and South America, as well as East Asia, also work like this]). I had already worked with a professor at this institution, and therefore my previous research had a lot of great connections with research at that institution. I had a strong mix of experience in the wet lab, computational work, and as support staff working with a tech. The university was in a location I loved, I had a friend who went there and we talked about how cool it would be if we both ended up there, and the coursework and educational focus was exactly what I wanted out of my career.

I didn't get in. Out of the 12 programs I applied to, I got into 2. 10 rejections was a blow to my ego, ngl, and for that and various other reasons, I felt miserable during that rejection season. I had staked a lot of my future visions for my plans on this one graduate program, so it was a nasty ego hit.

The blunt reality is that this will likely happen to you. And that’s okay. It means nothing about how qualified you are. The problem with graduate school is that it's not like undergrad. They're not just agreeing to educate you- they're *hiring* you to be a research associate. As such, they're not looking at how "good" of an applicant you are as an absolute scale. They're going to look at the particular mix of experience you have, and determine whether it's something they need for their program at that time, as well as the mix of experiences represented amongst all applicants.

For example, two of the things I had going for me were bioinformatics experience and animal research experience. Turns out that my dream program already had a lot of bioinformaticists there, and didn't have a strong emphasis on animal research, so they didn't need my particular skills at that time.

There's a mantra you'll hear so much in grad application times that you'll get sick of it, but it's unfortunately true: they're not looking at how "good" of applicant you are, they're looking for if you're the right fit.

The way to deal with this is realize that you probably won't get into *that one program*, but you *will* probably get into several others. And guess what? All of those will have amazing opportunities and educational environments for you. It might not be exactly what you pictured for yourself, but you will make it work. And above all else, don't let the rejections affect your sense of self worth.

I know because I'm extremely happy where I am now. The program I got into and went to has been phenomenal, and they actually kind of knew what was up with accepting me- my skills fill a particular void in one of the labs I said I was interested in. So I've been useful, productive, and happy here, doing interesting research.

[daforged]

the worst thing abt undergrad wasnt exams or learning stuff i know is useless bs or writing papers and giving presentations about companies destroying the world or even the group projects that legitimately made me consider dropping out. the worst part about doing a commerce degree is the way every single person in your faculty from the far right tenured prof who’s universally loathed for making attendance mandatory but spending every lecture reading powerpoint slides verbatim to the one other anticapitalist bisexual in your classes who you’re a little in love with quite frankly is that they all believe you will completely and totally fail if you don’t network regardless of anything else you do and if you can’t or don’t want to network you are a loser failure pathetic nobody who will never get a good job

oh and the CONSTANT refrain of like. u absolutely 100% must put in 2 yrs at one of the big 4 accounting firms if ur majoring in accounting or going for a cpa. literally everybody acts like u will never succeed at all as if its genuinely impossible to land a good job without networking or get ur cpa without selling 2 years of ur life to a job that will unrepentantly work you 100 hours a week while ur manager spits in ur face. if i could tell ppl in my faculty or even my younger self anything it would be like. yeah networking & putting in the time at one of the big 4 will absolutely give you an edge over not doing that. but its not actually the end of the world if u dont wanna do either of those things and its not as big of a deal as everyone in this hell pit makes it seem. if u want a hustle 5-9 grind lifestyle ceo corner office etc kinda thing then yeah u probably need to do that shit but if ur happy with a regular office job that pays ur bills with some room to spare then like. take it easy .

[magicallarynx]

Friends, Tumblrs, Countrythems - lend me your eyes

Just a personal update post but I’m excited. I… actually have a romantic prospect, and I’m going into it knowing we have mutual interest (which has basically never happened before). Thats really as much as I know right now but there will likely be Boy Posts coming soon to a blog near you

Saga below…

I’m a regular at a coffee shop that’s right by my apartment. It’s an adorable place, very “hygge”, exposed brick, no ceiling, original floors, etc etc etc. I have been going there a shit ton recently because I don’t work in my house and all of my work has essentially become computer stuff, so I go and use their wifi and vibe.

A few weeks ago, I looked up and there was just a Stunning man at the other end of the bar, facing me (but not looking at me). I took a creep shot for one of my friends and just left it alone as Holy Shit Look At This Specimen, he wasn’t wearing a ring but there’s no way he’s single, right? He’s like 6’2, built but not ripped, Dorito shoulders, dump truck ass, very classically handsome, dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, very Wayne Letterkenny in aesthetics. Then, I see him a few different times at the same cafe, each time taking a moment to clutch my chest and scream internally, he earns the nickname “Hot Cafe Guy”.

I’ve been working insanely hard these past few weeks and I’m not nearly done yet but I’m leaving tomorrow for the holidays, so Saturday night I decided fuck it—there’s a bar I haven’t been to that looks cool as hell, I’m just going to go have one drink. Night was a total loss—nearly midnight and I’d had my one drink and then had a drunk undergrad who refused to take the hint(s) talk my ear off for like 45 minutes. I’m just about to call it quits but decide to hit the bathroom, and on my way down stairs who do I pass but HOT CAFE GUY !!! Y’all I just about took a tumble right down those stairs. I don’t even want to know what my face looked like.

I do my thing, go back to the bar, trying to decide if I’m gonna leave yet (assuming that HCG is here on a date, or with a girl already at least right? Right.). Head to the front bar, debating grabbing my coat, when who tf do I see, sitting in the seat I’D just left, but HCG by himself. I have never had to muster courage like this before yall but I DID IT. I walked up, asked for a water, stood for a second and then slid into the open seat and BAM he starts talking to me!!!! We had a really, really good convo, exchanged numbers, and unfortunately (there isn’t a strong enough word for how unfortunately) I had to be up early the next day to keep fuckin working, so I had to go. But y’all he’s INTERESTED, I’m interested, and I just like cannot beLIEVE—

So now I’m flying home for 3 weeks, trying to decide wtf to do with that number, and that’s TBC 😅

[damndanielricciardo]

hope you dont mind me dropping in your ask, but i saw your post about how youre doing a degree and i wanted to ask for advice.I start uni in like 2 week and im really nervous. moving to a new city where i know no one is super scary. what if im not good enough to be there? what if I'm not liked? How do i stay on top of everything? how do i find where i need to go? also a big part of the uni experience is going out and partying and thats not me at all? i could go on about my doubts,sorry for the

Hi anon,

please don't apologise for coming into my ask box, everyone is welcome.

First of all CONGRATULATION'S you're off to Uni! You earned that and you should be really proud of yourself!

Yes I have had four years at university, doing my undergrad and now my postgrad, and that was from two different universities so I've had two 'new uni' experiences, and let me tell you that your doubts are valid, and I myself had them. I think it is normal, moving city to attend university, going without no one is scary, and I'd be impressed if anyone didn't. From my experience, everyone felt the same way, even if some people hid it very well. So don't feel out of the ordinary for feeling this way.

I remember being left for the first time, in a City I had been to twice, in my new tiny box room, knowing no one and hours away from home and my family and friends, and it is an awful feeling. The first few weeks are a big bunch of 'firsts' and they're awful, specially if like me you hate change, you like to know the plan, the lay of the land, and what's what, and for now at least, you are the newbies.

In terms of where to go and what to do, check you university social media, both Universities i went to had things on there to help new students navigate not only the campus, but the cities, as well as where everything is. For example the best coffee shops, the library etc. I presume they will have student's who work for the Uni dotted around to ask for help. I worked as a student helper in my second year for freshers, and there is no stupid question, go up and ask them! They will probably be thankful for the questions as standing outside alone can get boring very fast!

However, within the first couple of week's things become the new normal, you start your new life in your new town, and things become to feel like home very quickly. I remember linking on socials with some people that i would be sharing my accommodation with and thinking 'wow, we're not going to get along' or 'we seem like very different people' and they thought that about me. We laugh about it now and now these people are some of my best friends in the world.

The 'Feeling like i'm not good enough to be there' feeling. I'm not sure if that's something that ever goes away. Imposter syndrome is very real and something that the majority of people i spoke to on my course, even those i thought 'Oh my god they're so smart' felt that too. Remind yourself, you got the grades to be there and you put the hard work in! unfortunately, I still feel like this all the time, so I don't have any solid advice. When the results start to come in, you will see that you deserve to be there.

What if I'm not liked? Let me tell you, University is one of the coolest places you can go to. It is full with so many people, who like and enjoy so many different things. There's people there who will have the same interests and hobbies you have, you may just have to search for them. My university had societies for everything you can think of!

Yes, a typical part of University life is going out and partying, but it doesn't have to be. During my first two years of Uni I had given up drinking but i still had fun going out and having a dance with everyone! no one asked why I wasn't drinking and I still had tonnes of fun! But, if partying isn't your thing full stop, have a look at your Uni's Union socials, mine put on events on student night for people that wasn't interested in clubbing. Things like movie nights, craft workshops, board game nights.

Lastly, I hope you have a wonderful time, and I hope my words have eased your mind in a little way at least! University is fun and exciting, but if you don't fit with Uni life straight away that is also ok. My worst year of Uni was my first year, I felt lonely and out of my depth for most of it. But if you feel this way make sure to talk to people, either people at home and people at the University. I saw a welfare officer once a week for most of my first year and it really helped. While I may not have enjoyed my first year as much as the others, I still have really fond memories!

Relax, enjoy and take care! <3

If you want to talk more personally feel free to message me privately!

[jinkisbelly]

Hearth

Pairing: ot5

Rating: pg, minus a blowjob offer

W/c: 3.7k

Warnings: uh food and wine? Kibum gets a bit tipsy but thats it

Summary:  With their busy lives and schoolwork, it's hard to find time altogether, but a game night is exactly what they all needed.

A/n: This was for prompt 31, for summer of shinee pt 2, which was: shinee but they're playing monopoly instead of working on projectsI hope you enjoy this small thing ^_^

AFF    Ao3

          He grimaced as he stared at his reflection in the newly wiped clean mirror. The steam from the shower was still billowing around him, hair dripping water droplets as he pushed it from his forehead, and a towel resting over his shoulders. Staring back was dark circles from too much stress and too little sleep. With a deep sigh, Jinki tugged open the cabinet and effectively cut off the picture of himself as he reached in for his moisturizer. Kibum would never forgive him if he forgot his skincare. ‘You may look dead on your feet, but at least you won’t have wrinkles.’ . Jinki found himself quietly laughing as he patted in the cool liquid into his cheeks at the memory of Kibum’s long fingers pressing some unknown facial cleanser onto his face, having his bottom lip tugged between in concentration as if it was the hardest thing he had focused on. The other man should be home soon with dinner. Taemin had been in charge of ordering it and Jinki was both excited and hesitant to see what the youngest man had chosen.

          There was a reason more often than not on Taemin’s turn at dinner they always ate out, mainly because it gave him certain parameters to pick from. Given free reign, milk was always found where it shouldn’t, like ramen. Jinki shivered a little at the reminder of THAT incident. Jonghyun reacted so badly to the spice and milk combination that he spent the next day making friends with the bathroom. There was always a limit on the things he’d do for the men he loves. Lying through his teeth about how great Taemin’s cooking was, well that was one of them. The youngest’s history with weird food combinations and risky take out orders was the main reason Kibum always was responsible for the night after his. The chef of their little group always made sure to make it all up to them with something tasty.

          Stepping into the room that he and Jonghyun shared, he was surprised to find Minho spread eagle on the bed. Last he knew the man was still at the university working with his group on the social differences between genders in competitive sports. His phone was held close to his face as he scrolled through something, the light of the screen reflecting off of his glasses. The bathroom door hinge squeaked as it was pushed open and Minho’s head snapped up, a huge smile blooming on his face. He scrambled up from his stomach, sitting back on his knees and accepting the soft kiss Jinki presses to his lips with a sigh. “Not that I’m not glad to see you, Love, but why are you here?”

          “Two of the three people didn’t show up. So the two of us that did show up figured we could do our parts at home.” Minho flopped back onto the bed, spreading his legs out in front of him, “Jonghyun and Kibum left for the food, and Taemin is currently trying to teach his hamster how to jump through a hoop, so I came in here to wait for you .”

          Jinki tugged on his sweatpants, tripping a little on his slippers he forgot were there, and tried to imagine how well that was going. “How is Cheese doing on that?”

          “Oh terribly. When I dropped my bag in the room all Cheese was doing was stealing the snack Taemin was holding and running away.” He could have sworn he had a shirt laid out before he headed into the bathroom, now where was the stupid thing? He looked up when Minho cleared his throat, “Are you looking for this?”

          Sure enough, held out was the shirt he was looking for. It was one of Jonghyun’s from high school, it was softened with time and too many washes, the lettering half faded on the chest.  He grabbed it with a sheepish grin before pulling it over his head. “Thanks, Love.”

          As soon as Jinki was on the bed next to him, Minho had his head against his shoulder, finding his hand to play with his fingers, “How was your day?”

          “I taught undergrads today. It was to be as expected.” With their busy schedules, it wasn’t often than Jinki got to see Minho for more than an hour a day it seemed, and most of that was getting ready to be somewhere else or the younger man making sure he remembered to eat something. He was always horrid at remembering to eat, which is why most of the time either Minho or Kibum made sure he had snacks in the front pocket of his backpack. The distant sound of chaos entering their home caused both men to glance toward the closed door. “I think the food’s here.”

          “From the sound of things, I don’t think Kibum approves of what Taemin ordered.” Minho hummed happily when Jinki pressed a kiss to his hair before both men headed toward the door. The sound of voices increased as the door was pulled open, and Jinki shook his head fondly as he followed Minho toward the rest of their little family.

----

          The dining room table was a second-hand piece of furniture Jinki and Kibum had gotten from a yard sale when they decided to move into a bigger place. It once had been a dark cherry wood, but the color had faded and bits were chipped and scratched from all the mayhem that descended upon it over the last two years. Not that anyone could see the table’s surface with the collection of binders, folders, papers, and calculators spread across the surface from where Jonghyun and Minho always set up shop to do their projects. The last time they had used it to eat off was two months ago when Taemin’s family came to visit and Kibum had made them all dinner. That being said, when Jinki and Minho entered the living room from the hall the food was already being spread out on the coffee table in the living room. From the looks of things, he ordered chicken wings. Which didn’t explain Kibum’s loud reaction to the food at all.

          When he spotted the sauce options chosen, that did, however. Blueberry barbeque sauce and garlic pepper, both mixed in together like some sort of strange concoction. Kibum looked one touch away from losing his chef mind, concern so vivid on his pretty features. Jonghyun looked like he was a mixture of amused, worried, and distraught in his own way. As Jinki slipped past the duo, he squeezed Jonghyun’s hip and kissed Kibum’s cheek. “It can’t be that bad, Bommie.”

          Jonghyun, grim as can be, shook his head, “Oh it can be, Baby, oh it can be.”

          Kibum pressed his lips together before turning completely on his heel, disappearing behind them for a moment. There was clanking, and something popping open. When he emerged again there was a bottle of wine in his hand. By his tongue lapping at his lips, he had already taken a swig. “Really?”

          “Let me forget his sins, Old Man.”

          Jinki eyed the bottle even as Jonghyun and Minho got busy pulling out the food from the bags and Taemin could be heard coming down the hall. Before Kibum could react, he gripped the bottle and pulled it, taking a long swig. Oh, gross, it’s red. He handed the bottle back with a grimace. “My day was bad, but not bad enough to willingly drink red wine.”

          Kibum stepped closer, wrapping his free hand around to rest on Jinki’s hip and kiss his temple. “There’s whiskey in the kitchen if you want a drink, but let’s eat and you can tell us about it.”

------

          The food had been eaten, and while strange, the sauce combination hadn’t been as bad as Kibum and Jonghyun made it out to be. Then again, Jinki loved chicken so much it was very hard to make him upset while consuming it.  Minho had taken their plates into the kitchen to clean because of it being his night for dishes.  Kibum was sprawled out on the couch, sipping the same bottle of wine he had shared with Jonghyun throughout dinner. The younger man had his fingers moving through Jinki’s hair as he leaned back against the front of the couch, legs under the table. Taemin had taken the opportunity to fall against his left side, hugging his arm loosely as they glanced at the drama that happened to be on the television when they turned it on for background noise.

          Jinki laid his head back against the cushion, eyes closing feeling Kibum’s long fingers scratch against his scalp. He was sure there was something important he needed to finish for school, but he couldn’t pinpoint what it was exactly with how good Kibum’s fingers felt. The man’s deep voice was quiet as he spoke, wine and drowsiness making him talk slower. “I’m sorry today was so bad, Baby.”

          “Not your fault undergrads are really stressful.”

          Taemin huffed, his breath fanning out over his shoulder as he shifted his head to look up at him. “Hey!”

          Kibum shifted closer until his head was against the edge of the cushion and the bottle of wine was gently placed on the floor beside Jinki. Before he could be disappointed that the fingers in his hair stopped, Kibum moved them again after adjusting his hand. “You’ll get to rag on undergrads soon, Taemin.”

          “Not soon enough.” The youngest grumbled, grabbing his cup to sip from the straw.

          “I should probably do my paper that’s due.” Kibum deeply sighed, his breath fluttering a bit of Jinki’s fringe hanging over his forehead.

          He turned his head until his right cheek was against the couch, smiling softly when Kibum’s fond grin came into view. “When is it due?”

          “Next Wednesday.”

          The topic of the conversation was momentarily forgotten as he gazed at his lover. While he knew Kibum was always pretty, it was moments like this that reminded Jinki just how beautiful he was. His eyelashes fluttering with his drowsiness, his hair falling in soft dark waves away from his face, and flush in his cheeks from his wine. The black hair was different than the blond Kibum had when they first started dating, but Jinki rather liked how his natural hair looked. Oh right, they were talking about something. “You have time to do it later.”

          Something sparked in Kibum’s dark eyes and his lips quirked up as he spoke, “You just don’t want me to stop playing with your hair.”

          “Guilty as charged.”

          A loud growl from their left had all of them looking in that direction. They found Jonghyun standing by the dining room table, leaning heavily on his hands and his hair falling from the tiny ponytail on top of his head into his eyes. Minho popped his head out from the kitchen, brows furrowed, “You alright?”

          “My research assistant forgot to get consent from the last group! I can’t use any of this data.” He lifted his hand, a stack of papers crumped in his harsh grip. “I have to do this all over and I don’t know if I have time and-”

          Minho swooped in close, tugging Jonghyun away from the tabletop and hugged him close. “Put the papers down. Worry about this tomorrow.”

          “But-”

          It was Taemin who chirped from his comfy spot, “We should play a board game instead.”

          Jinki could see Jonghyun was pushing up on his toes to see over Minho’s shoulder, but his voice carried over the distance. “What kind of board game?”

          Taemin sat up fully and grinned, “Monopoly of course.”

-----

          Jonghyun was sitting on Jinki and Minho more than the couch as Taemin came back into the room with the game. Kibum had moved onto the floor, his bottle of wine sitting on the table before him as he leaned his head on his palm and gazed at his three lovers on the couch. Jinki was whispering something against Jonghyun’s hair, causing the man to slowly smile and rouge to paint across his cheeks. Kibum was too tipsy to focus enough to make out what he was saying, but it still made him smile to see Jonghyun begin to giggle because of the oldest man. Minho was gently patting Jonghyun’s shins, leaning heavily on Jinki’s shoulder, but he grinned when Kibum caught his gaze.

          And then Taemin decided to shatter the soft, serene air by dead dropping the monopoly box onto the table. All eyes fell on the youngest, who grinned widely. “I can’t wait to kick y’all’s asses.”

          “Kibum and Jinki are tied with the most number of wins, Bub.” Minho quipped as he lifted Jonghyun’s legs to slip onto the ground, pulling the game box closer to him. Using the top, he pointed at Taemin as he continued. “You’re in last place.”

          “We’ll see.” Taemin’s tongue was poked out of the side of his mouth as he picked up the dark orange 500 dollar bills and began counting out the correct number of bills. All was good until he hit the 20’s, in which his hands lowered into his lap and he stared up at Jinki on the couch. “How many again?”

          “Six, Tae.” Came Jinki’s soft reply. His eyes were closed, a dazed smile on his face as Jonghyun played with his hair. Jonghyun chuckled, knowing that it was always the twenties Taemin forgot the quantity of. “Do I get a night off from being the banker?”

          As Taemin happily called out, yes, the other three men unanimously agreed. “No.”

          “I can do it.” Somehow Taemin always managed to make his voice carry the fact he was pouting deeply.

          “You say that and then after you have to do the math you push it towards Jinki. It’s alright.” Minho hummed, setting out the correct pieces. The Scottish dog for Jonghyun. The thimble for Jinki.The top hat for Kibum. The running shoe for himself, and finally, the car for Taemin. The other three were put back into the top of the box placed on the floor to his right.

          The money stacks were placed around the table and Kibum smacked his mouth after swallowing another sip of wine. “Alright old men, you have to come down now.”

          As soon as Jonghyun had managed to remove himself from the other’s lap, Jinki leaned forward and cracked his knuckles with a sleepy grin. “Who’s ready to lose?”

------

          It was Jinki, Minho and Taemin left. Kibum and Jonghyun had moved back onto the couch, the two men a tangle of limbs as Kibum snoozed with his cheek squished on Jonghyun’s shoulder. As soon as his little snores and nose whistles had been heard Jinki had looked behind him with a smile. Jonghyun looked like he was very close to following their lover’s footsteps, his eyes fluttering as he fought the pull of sleep. After finishing his turn, Minho pushed off the ground to pull the blanket from the recliner and toss it over the two of them.

          Jonghyun mumbled, “Thanks.”

��         Taemin was still blowing on the dice, eyeing Jinki’s hotels on park place and boardwalk, when Minho returned to his spot. They all knew if he landed on either of those he was done for. Five or seven would be his doom. He had an 80 percent chance of getting around it safely, but as he finally let go of his dice, one quickly landed on a four while the other kept rolling until it fell off the board onto the table in front of Minho. Face up was a three. “Fuck!”

          “That’ll be two grand, please.”

          “Don’t sound so smug,” Jonghyun rumbled, hand falling from his tummy to pat Jinki in the back of the head.

          Taemin slowly went through flipping over his leftover properties and adding up their worths. Next were his few remaining houses and his one hotel. He had his little bit of cash gripped between both of his hands when he whipped his head up and asked, almost desperately. “If I blow you can I get a ‘get off boardwalk’ free card?”

          Minho choked on the bit of leftover wine in Kibum’s discarded bottle he was attempting to swallow as Jinki snorted. “While I’d love for you to suck my cock, I’m going to have to decline.”

          “Awh! Come on Babe, cut me some slack.”

          “We’ve been playing for two hours, Taemin.” Jinki ran his fingers through his hair to get it from his eyes, tired smile on his face. “I want to end this quickly so we can sleep.”

          Taemin sighed before pushing everything of his over to Jinki with a frown. “I guess I’ll admit defeat for that.”

          Jinki gathered his payment in a neat little pile before gathering the dice and rolling. Minho wasn’t as bad off as Taemin had been, and causing him to go bankrupt would require more than just a single boardwalk landing. Moving three had him visiting in jail. Finishing his turn, he pushed the dice over towards Minho before focusing on organizing his newly acquired items. Out of the corner of his eye, he was aware of the man moving his piece the correct amount of spaces on the dice, managing to bypass Jinki’s dark green properties and landing right before Park Place. Taemin hissed out, “Lucky bastard.”

          “I’m not safe yet, Bub.” Minho handed over the dice into Jinki’s palm with a grimace. “Remind me to never let Jinki get Boardwalk ever again.”

          “You make it seem like you had a choice.” Jinki grinned as he began to shake the dice in his fist. “I’ll make you a bet, Baby.”

          Minho’s eyebrow rose, intrigue shifting on his face. “Oh praytell.”

          “Name a number, any number 2 through 12. If I roll it, you win without exceptions.”

          “Just like that?”

          “Just like that.”

          “And if you don’t roll it?”

          “We keep playing.”

          With narrowed eyes, Minho agreed, holding out his hand to take Jinki’s to shake. “Agreed. The number is 12.”

          After a few more shakes, Jinki let his fist open and the dice clattered across the board before slowly rolling to a stop. Two sixes were clear as day facing up, and Minho whooped startling both men on the couch. Kibum whined, glaring harshly as his nostrils flared with his quick breathing. Jinki sighed with a fond smile as he leaned over to kiss Minho on the cheek after rising to his knees. “Congratulations, Baby.”

-----

          The water could be heard running through the open door of the bathroom. As well as the telltale sounds of Jonghyun brushing his teeth when the door hinge of the bedroom door squeaked. Coming through was Taemin, boxers low on his hips and hair a shaggy mess on his head. Jinki closed his book and pushed it on the bedside table with a smile. “Can I sleep with you two tonight?”

          “Of course. Climb on in, Love.” Taemin beamed and half face planted into the middle of the mattress. Jinki shook his head even as he reached over to fix the younger man’s hair. “That is not what I meant.”

          “It’s so fun to do it now.” He commented as he flopped onto his back and wiggled under the covers. “Thanks for not being in each other’s throats like the other two.”

          With a snort, Jinki asked, “Oh, is that why you graced us with your presence?”

          “Only half.” His cheeks were slightly pink with the admitted answers. “I also missed you two.”

          "Kibum was half asleep when Minho helped him to bed, how'd that turn into sex?"

          "Well they were bickering about Minho startling him awake at the end there and you know..." Taemin trailed off, but Jinki did know very well. Minho and Kibum arguing usually led to them having sex on the nearest surface, even the kitchen more times than Jinki wanted to admit he walked in on.

          In the dim light of the bedside lamp and the open bathroom door, Taemin’s chest scars were visible. They were light pink as he was on the far end of his healing journey, but it still brought a smile to Jinki’s face to see the man so comfortable without his shirt on. Settling down beside him, Jinki rested his fingertips barely on the scars.“They’re healing very nicely.”

          “Oh, yeah.” The warmth of his smile almost knocks the wind out of Jinki’s chest it’s so beautiful and free. It reminds him of just how far Taemin has come since they met almost four years before. Taemin snuggles closer, cheek squished with how close he moved into Jinki and trapping the older man’s hand between them. After removing it, Jinki wraps his arm around Taemin to keep him close. His voice is quiet and fluttery, as he relaxes in Jinki’s embrace. “You smell good.”

          “Thank you.” Taemin’s breathing was slowing and by a quick glance down, it was obvious he was beginning to fall asleep. Jinki kissed his forehead softly, lingering for a few moments before barely moving away to whisper, “Goodnight, Baby.”

          A few minutes later, Jonghyun shuffled out of the bathroom. He hooked up his phone to his charger and carefully sat on his side of the bed. He wiggled closer to Taemin, throwing an arm around his narrow waist and resting his chin on the younger man’s shoulder to gaze at Jinki. Pushing up slightly, he managed to catch Jinki’s lips softly. “Goodnight, Love.”

          “Sweet dreams, beautiful.”

          As they curled up, Jonghyun’s nose in the back of Taemin’s hair, Jinki’s chin resting on the top of Taemin’s head, and their legs a mess of limbs as they tried to find a comfortable spot, Jinki reached above him to turn the bedside lamp off by the switch on the headboard. He fell asleep with his arm over two of his lovers, smiling slightly as Jonghyun’s fingers tried to curl a little against his side. Sure, tomorrow they all had important things to finish, but right then none of that mattered. Jinki felt like he was finally home, wrapped up in the embrace of one of his lovers. A part of him wishes the other two were there too, but he would enjoy what he had, for it was more than enough.

[ghoestys]

and this is ruby! my 4th and final muse! been wanting to use gayoung’s pretty face since she was in tempted and now that shes in true beauty it made me want to use her even more! and the content she gave us while playing yeo hajin? iconic this is ruby <3

STATISTICS

full name: ruby odette im nickname(s): rue, rubes, ro, odette, od, odettie age: twenty two date of birth: october 8th, 1998 hometown: tba! gender: cis female pronouns: she/her/hers religion: christian (raised, non-practicing) sexuality: bisexual & biromantic hair colour: brunette eye colour: brown height: 5'9″ tattoos: dainty colored lavender on her left ankle facing outward (ex) piercings: standard & upper lobe (both), forward helix & industrial (right), daith (left)

PROMPT + BLACKMAIL

a legacy and member of the yale's elite, they're twenty-two and a sophomore undergrad student majoring in law. they are as positive as they are negative.

● was caught with a dui and almost got her license revoked because of it, but she flirted her way out of the ticket and convinced the police officer to kill the report by giving him tickets to a movie premiere where she held a small role.  background: this happened in new york after she was attempting to drive home from a party with her 3 model friends who were also all drunk. she was 20 at the time and should’ve also gotten in-trouble for underaged drinking along with driving under the influence, but she truly utilized her fame status and looks. luckily no one got hurt and the road was pretty empty so there wasn’t many cars, but it was still dangerous and irresponsible because if she wasn’t pulled over, then she would’ve hit busier traffic and something definitely would’ve happened. after being pulled over and saving her ass, ruby stopped driving and ordered a lyft to pick up her and her friends to drop them back to her apartment in new york. 

● was convinced her father was having an affair with a news anchor, so ruby convinced producers, news channels, and everyone in the business to blacklist them from ever working and essentially ruining and ending the new anchor’s career. unknown to ruby, though, is that the news anchor was never having an affair with her father and it was actually colette who was having an affair with her father at the time.  background: her relationship with her dad has always been rocky, but the minute she found out he was having an affair and cheating on her mom made ruby go batshit. she wasn’t sure who the person was exactly except for that her father was having an affair because she was overhearing flirty & secretive phone calls and was seeing bills for expensive gifts that her mother was never receiving. when ruby saw her dad meeting with a news anchor frequently, ruby automatically assumed that was the person her father was having an affair with and essentially ruined that new anchor’s career. the new anchor’s career ended very abruptly and ruby loved seeing it. she loved her mom and she wasn’t going to let anyone hurt her- not her father and not the news anchor. unknown to ruby, though, is that the news anchor was never having an affair with her father and it truly was just business. ruby framed the wrong person and ruined an innocent person’s career for no reason. 

ABOUT

family/upbringing/childhood

ruby’s family consisted of her father (randolph im), her mother (marissa im, nee byun), and her three younger siblings (edeline, brietta, and dominick)

her father, randolph im, is a top politician and was formerly a senator before being removed from officer and losing to his component- senator ahn. instead of being a senator, he’s apart of the house of representatives. other than being a politician, randolph also runs a loan business that’s not  known unless you’re also apart of the top 1-10%. since they have so much money, he doesn’t mind giving out loans to those in need, but he always expects something in return (like a vote or an endorsement) and he always expects being paid back in time with interest included. if he doesn’t get his money paid back in time, then he’s a loan shark who sends his henchmen to do all the dirty work for him.

her mother, marissa im, is a house wife who happily takes care of her kids. 

the family is as tight knit as it can be. it’s not hard for them to act loving and family-like infront of the media because that’s how they are everyday. they have their tense moments like every other family does, but they’re healthy for the most part. 

healthy until it involves ruby and her father. these two are constantly butting heads and always arguing over something. maybe it’s because she’s the eldest daughter or maybe it’s because she doesn’t support her father’s shady loan business. she just doesn’t like him and the only time you’ll catching her supporting her father’s political career is when it’s family involved and her presence is required. other than that, ruby is typically absent from whatever political campaign her father does. 

ever since ruby was a toddler, she loved the spotlight and performing. she loved acting and she loved when the cameras were on her whether it be for performing something or posing for something. since her mother noticed this, she was quick to put ruby in auditions for acting and modeling and since ruby was a natural, her acting and modeling career began at a very young age. she acted in children’s shows, movies as the younger version of a character and modeled for campaigns and spreads for brands like guess kids. 

due to her career being a success at such a young age, ruby never experienced “real school” and was homeschooled her entire life. when she was on set for tv shows where she had to act in a school setting was basically her only experience as a student in a “real school”. 

although her siblings would grow up differently (attending private schools instead of homeschool), ruby never minded this and never felt like she missed out on anything because she still learned how to socialize and got to act out wtvr she was possibly missing out on

career/college/the elites

luckily, as ruby got older and went from being a child to a pre/teen, her career didn’t stop and just kept growing. she filmed some tv shows and mostly focused on movies. when she turned 16/17, that was when her modeling career began to become more prominent because she was “old enough”, looked old enough, and was taller. she was having fun, living life, and traveling the world. 

since she was a politician’s daughter, she was getting tutored on information about law and politics by the time she was 13. she had interest in law especially so she could spite her dad by telling him what he was possibly doing wrong, but also so she could negotiate her own contracts and understand what’s being said during the meetings. as a minor, she can’t sign contracts without a guardian but she sat there at the meetings feeling lost and wanted to know what they were saying. 

although she loved spotlight when she was younger, by the time she was twenty she was starting to get over the fame. her career was successful, but she was starting to see and feel all the negatives that came with fame (especially in the modeling world where they criticized her looks often) and simply wanted out

when she turned 21, as a gift to herself she decided to take a break from her career/the spotlight so she could attend school and actually get a degree in law so she truly could negotiate her own contracts and understand all the legal terms being used during those meetings. she applied to yale and luckily she got accepted (mostly due to her career and philanthropy and because of yale being her father’s alma mater). 

her father was a member of the yale elites, which makes ruby a legacy so that made her entrance into the organization very easy. 

she still does modeling when she has the time, but her acting career is on hiatus until she finishes her bs in law. 

don’t really know where to put this, but her stage name is odette im (her middle name) and only those that actually know her like friends & family call her ruby. she prefers to be called ruby because it’s her actual name, but professionally and in the tabloids she’s known as odette. she will still respond if you call her odette in a non-professional setting and honestly if ur muse met her while she was working then they probs know her as odette 

personality

out of all my muses, i think ruby is the most genuinely nice one with no ugly intentions. silvia used to be like this, but silvia was also just willing to do shady things versus ruby who only does shady thing when shes truly hurt or angry or doing it for someone she loves (like ruining a person’s career to avenger her mom) 

like taking care of people because shes an eldest daughter but also loves being taken cared of much more. whenever she’s being babied or treated as the youngest she’s happy because she’s used to have to take care of other people instead of herself

is honestly tired of the constant spotlight because she experienced it for so long, so think she’s more lowkey now except for those moments when shes modeling and partying at extravagant places and cities 

believes honesty is key and the biggest way to lose her as a friends is to lie to her. she grew up away from the political setting, but it was still something she was apart of nonetheless and she knows how shady that area can b. knowing this, she tries to b as honest as possible and likes to hold people at a very honest level too like pls just be real with her and she’ll be real with u

doesnt mind talking about herself because thats what shes used to (her having to do interviews n shit all  the time makes it easy for her to talk about herself) 

basically an open book and even tho shes an award winning actress, shes terrible at hiding her real emotions infront of people who know her on a non-superficial level 

can be very superficial with others due to her job and having to present herself a the best possible version of herself, but shes usually genuine for the most part like. if ur her friend then ur her friend she wont treat u like a professional associate or wtvr like??? does that even make sense

probs actually enjoys philanthropy work so shes involved n shit 

can cook because she was the eldest daughter and also because she had to take care of herself while being in different cities by herself bc she couldnt eat out everyday 

cant bake for shit tho like.. that shit is just not her thing. cant even make box brownies

fiercely loyal to those she loves and will legit do anything to protect them. also loves spoiling her friends bc like. if she has the money for it y not 

WANTED CONNECTIONS IDEAS

someone that her father loaned money to! ruby is aware of her father’s business and is also aware of the clients because her dad doesn’t keep it a secret within the family. maybe your muse borrowed money and still hasn’t paid her father back for the loan so now the father found out information about ur muse and is holding it against them. ruby could be aware of this and attempt to help you-- if the muses get along tho :) 

someone she met thru work! whether it be thru acting or modeling but i think that’d be so fun!! could be a good experience where they became friends or maybe they’re rivals in their careers that the media loves to put against each other. maybe they were even costars who didn’t get along, but the media loves making them out to be bffs! 

bffs! friends! close friends! 

enemies! betrayals! negatives!

cousins! because why not! 

romance! ex flings! flirtationships! someone who leads her on! 

ruby isn’t the type to do fwb or non-attachment style relationships because she gets attached to people very easily. with her job shes constantly surrounded by people and while she loves traveling, it can get very lonely. if she fell in love with u then she fell in love with u genuinely and whole heartedly. i think of all my muses, she falls in love the easiest

[lukeyhughes]

so the other day i reblogged a post and vagued about my issues with gk’s framing of iraqi tragedies in the tags, which was then replied to and that reply was circulated. while the reply was awesome/insightful/interesting i feel like my original point sorta got lost in the shuffle. i wasnt going to make a post about this for a bit but i feel like its been consuming my thoughts all day so i’ll elaborate what i meant under the cut! 

gen kill is david simon show, so like all david simon shows the thesis is “people exist in inside of a broken system.” in this case, the broken system is the marine corps chain of command and the people are the marines who have to carry out senseless orders. this is shown in many ways, including pointless dangerous missions (see: the bridge, danger close, etc.), how capable enlisted men are vs. most officers, how the “only good officer” nate is punished for rational choices, and how the marines have their spirits crushed because they are forced to senselessly kill iraqi civilians.

when i was in first year of undergrad i took an african studies class that in one seminar problematicized coverage of the Rwandan Genocide: how many times have you heard/read a Romeo Dallaire interview/account? how many times have you read/heard an interview from a genocide survivor? how many times have you seen pictures of bodies/skulls of genocide victims? the answer for the average person is a lot, hardly ever, a lot. with the iraq invasion, the questions would be: how many times have you heard the accounts of coalition soldiers about the iraq war across media types? how many times have you heard accounts of it from the iraqi civilian perspective? how many times have you seen statistics regarding the amount of iraqi civilian casualties? a lot, hardly ever, a lot.

that is all to say that in western media/society we are very comfortable listening to white narratives and just seeing brown bodies, which translates into only hearing white narratives of the tragedies of the deaths of others in foreign countries. in generation kill, iraqi civilian casualties/fatalities/tragedies are framed so that we feel sympathy for the marines that caused them as opposed to those suffering. that is not to say that we as the audience do not feel sympathy (i certainly do!) but it is because of our own internal empathy, not the narrative framing of the show.

let’s take a look at three of the biggest cases of iraqi civilian tragedy and how they’re framed in the show:

first, when rudy goes up to the roadblock and sees the dead little girl in episode 4. we get quite a few shots of the father’s shell-shocked face, but just as many are shots of rudy’s horror/sadness; we watch him walk away from behind from rudy’s perspective and we see that rudy is unable to look away from them. rudy didn’t actually have anything to do with it (aside from abetting i suppose), but even when he gets back to camp the show makes sure to illustrate how affected by it he is, ignoring brad and ray who call out to him. this one is actually surprisingly gk’s best example of eliciting sympathy for iraqi casualties; however, the focus of the scene is still on rudy and the father’s reaction is still mostly used to contribute to rudy’s guilt/horror.

the next scene is the little shepherd boys who were shot by trombley while out with their camels. we see the mom crying over her son, but its basically background noise and is if anything used to further the marines’ (particularly brad and doc bryan to a lesser extent) guilt at causing the situation. we know this because her actions don’t exist independently: they are used for the marines to react to. we also get considerably more shots of marines looking on in horror than her crying about her son. brad’s guilt/sadness about the subject is dwelled on for about twenty minutes over the next two episodes, longer than any of the actual victims’ screen-time dedicated to their feelings combined.

the worst scene is the man in the white car, which sets off the main drama for the next episode. we get why walt did it- the show goes out of its way to make sure that we do- but at the end of the day a man is still dead, likely for no reason. in the aftermath we get about a hundred heartbreaking shots of walt’s shocked face, with a few of brad thrown in as well. on the other hand, we get no shots of the people in the car being horrified at seeing someone they know lobotomized. we just see them run away, no sadness no horror no nothing: from the show’s narrative perspective, this man’s death has no impact on anybody except for walt and the other marines. to make matters worse the man’s face is only shown when the marines notice how horrifyingly disfigured his body is; to me this is robbing the real man of his dignity even in death. 

let’s take a step back and look at gen kill’s general portrayal of iraqis. we don’t really get to see the marines interact with civilians until they reach baghdad when they go into rundown neighbourhoods. here, the iraqi men are portrayed as greedy and dumb, cutting in front of children and not understanding that there are other types of government. that’s not to say that that didn’t happen in real life- i’m sure it did- but it’s essentially the ONLY view of iraq civilians we get: ignorant, greedy, backwards, etc. deadass the only sympathetic iraqi characters in episode 7 are children, where we get a couple of UNICEF-esque shots of doc bryan holding crying kids to drive home that guilt factor. i bring this up because it means that the iraqi characters are not written so that you feel bad for them or empathize with their terrible situation. instead, the narrative wants you to empathize with the marines (in this case, particularly nate) who feel guilty for causing this chaos that they can’t do anything to fix it. 

the only other time iraqi civilians even have lines is when a refugee women tells brad about how he is destroying her home, but even then the point of that isn’t really her pain but how brad feels guilty/ashamed about what the usmc (an institution that is part of identity more than anyone else) is doing that; also she’s attacking brad who really had nothing to do with the baghdad situation and already feels guilty about other things, so its just creating more material for brad’s identity/guilt crisis and our sympathies for it.

all of this to say is that in basically every single case civilian tragedies don’t exist in the narrative on their own: they are used for the marine main characters to react to: the village. the truck crew. the men at the roadside. even the syrian student.

also @sunnygreys replied to some tags i made alluding to this issue. you should read what they wrote bc it’s a really interesting counterweight to what i’m saying and offers a different perspective. but anyway basically they mention certain lines where people are like “no ones forcing us to be here.” particularly notable was when godfather says that no one is forced to be here because they’re all volunteers in episode 3. my view of this has always been that saying that is ignorance on his part and another symptom of the broken command system. godfather chose to be career military,  he chose to accept the mission, he chose to change the ROE, etc: there was no gun to his head. for the enlisted men, the ones on the bottom who actually carried out the mission that injured the boys, they are pretty much being forced to be there by their circumstances. out of all the marines we interact with in the series, im pretty sure brad is the only enlisted man who comes from wealth and by extension had other options, while most others either implicitly or explicitly grew up in impoverished/unstable households: poverty is the new draft. thats sorta between the lines, but i imagine david simon knows that because of his previous work on poverty. what isnt between the lines is that the command system DOES force men in lower ranks to “be there” and carry out order: they can get NJPed for disobeying, they sign contracts that they’ll be dishonourably discharged and lose their benefits if they break, etc. there’s no gun to their head physically but metaphorically its pretty close. to me at least, those lines are not narratively placed to make us sympathize less with the marine main characters but instead to make us sympathize with them even more, because it shows how disconnected command really is. david simon is a huge dick irl but he’s a really clever writer.

again, i reiterate that we as the audience likely feel sympathy for the iraqi population because for most people its naturally sad when people die/get injured/etc. i think a lot of points i made and ones made by @sunnygreys can be mutually true, but the main difference being that i really don’t believe that gk’s intention was to make us step back and reflect on our sympathy with the “oppressors:” i really do think that’s who the show intends for us to sympathize with most based on their choices in camera shots, who says what, etc. that doesn’t mean we can’t step back and reflect, as i hope many of us have, i just think that was an unintended consequence. (if i’m misconstruing what you said please lmk and ill edit!)

that being said, can’t think of a way that generation kill could have done better in this regard based on the book/characters it had. the marines ARE the main characters and by conventional standards its their narrative/feelings/growth that matters. but just because there may have been no other way doesn’t make it unproblematic. its another example of western media using violence against nameless, distant foreigners for their own horror. 

there are people wandering this earth who are dealing with the loss of the man in the white car, the little girl at the roadblock, an entire village. those little boys, if they’re still alive, probably have to deal with the severe injuries they got when they were shot by marines. those slums of baghdad may still be in unstable today and have likely lost community members due to sanitation/hunger/violence. imagine knowing that there is a show out there where you or your loved ones are being used as a plot device to make viewers feel sympathy for the ones who put you in those positions. i sympathize deeply with the marines of GK, but i can imagine how hard it would be to be in the iraqi population’s place watching yourself and your experiences interpreted in a way dissociated from your own suffering so that the primary victimhood can be placed on the ones who did it to you. 

in conclusion, i love gen kill a lot. i love the story and the characters, and i think its an effective story in terms of achieving what it seeks to achieve. i think it’s okay to love something and be critical of it. also if western media companies weren’t cowards and weren’t scared of losing american military financial contributions they would make a miniseries about the iraqi people who were terrorized by american invaders, including the ones we love in gk!

[bisluthq]

Hey! Just jumping in to say i went to private school in cambridge, i have 2 siblings, my eldest sibling went private until sixth form which we all went to state for bc it was so good, we all had our own bedrooms and a large garden, my parents sold our house for 800k last year and i know thats way less than joes background but like its not a tiny tiny percent of the uk who can afford that lifestyle, its kinda an irrelevant poitn but its not millionaires vs minimum wage esp not in the south 1/2

I mean as you say you are very privileged - I’m also from a comfy background don’t get me wrong so like “we” really - and while I agree it’s not just council homes v Cambridges it’s also reductive to not acknowledge like... that it’s not council homes v Alwyns. Like a lot of people are legit middle class. They don’t have a nice big home in North London, and three boys going to fee paying schools. The mum isn’t a published writer with a number of books and the dad isn’t a critically acclaimed filmmaker. They don’t have an ancestor who had a CBE for achievements in the arts and was a member of the Savile Club. And that may be posher than us anon but like it’s not entirely wackily unrelatable like we have comparable acquaintances. But most people... don’t.

And when we have financial privilege that’s super easy to lose sight of.

Like story time: I was pretty grumpy when I finished high school that I couldn’t go to uni overseas - the exchange rate just meant it was unrealistic for my parents to send my ass to the US or the UK but man did I want to go. And like a few of my friends did get to go and for a hot minute I felt very ~poor~ y’know like “oh look at my friends able to go to Edinburgh and Essex and London and I have to stay that’s so unfair I’m so sad!” And like I got educated on class at uni a bit more and I remember being at a party and this girl I had just met was fully complaining to me that her parents couldn’t send her to summer in Paris and “you know we’re just very middle class” and my dude I CRINGED and proper felt shame for any time I bitched about that overseas uni situation. Like yes maybe the Alwyns are wealthier than us. And there are tons of people who are richer then the Alwyns.

But like the financial position you describe is (sadly) not normal. It just isn’t.

And the Alwyns’ one is most certainly not.

Yes they’re not like... Royals or jet setting billionaires. But they’re really really fucking comfortable.

And tbh even shit Kays/Swiftie antis have dragged him for - eg him moving back in with them as an adult - is indicative of that privilege. Because many people don’t have a family home they can just scurry back to when completing their second undergrad and that’s sad but reality.

[redrabbitspod]

happiness?

first, i wanted to start by thanking dan for allowing me to post this. for a while, i wondered if i even should. but, a lot of you have been asking about me, my upbringing, and who the fuck i am. i think this is, in part, due to my team interview and rumor. i have to admit, not all of the rumors are wrong, but i wanted to come completely clean and after a long time of thinking and a big change in my life, i decided why the fuck not?  maybe, i told myself, it would help some of you. i hope it does. 

but, it is personal and it does mean a lot to me. if i’m being honest, it also makes me feel a bit vulnerable. however, after taking quite a few L’s for rrp, dan agreed, so here we are. 

where are we? here. the fuck does that mean? i don’t exactly know, but i’m going to fuckin wing it.

so, here goes. let’s start from the top. (art by me)*

QUICK OOC! THIS IS A CHAPTER! CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT SETH’S TIME IN MIAMI AND MORE OF WHAT HE TALKS ABOUT UNDER THE CUT 

*BloodyDamnit: it’s my art. but we like to think Seth is an artist :)

vvvvvvvvvvv

my name is seth gordon, i’m 31 years old and 1 of 7 sons. i’m smack in the middle and i severely suffered from middle child syndrome.

31 years ago, i was born in rural alabama to a white, military father and a black, hard-as-rocks mother. i had your typical, strict military upbringing. my dad was hard on us from the jump and refused to acknowledge the fact that at the time, he had 4 black sons (to have 3 more). i still don’t think he realizes that to this day, he raised 7 black men to hate themselves, but that’s not what this post is really about. i can write an entire critical essay on how much my fathers obliviousness to race and racism ruined my and my brothers psyches, but anyway. 

growing up in the deep south, meant we encountered racism every single day. a lot of it was severe and ultimately, barely acknowledged. to my dad, we were white (which was odd in itself because he was ostracized by everyone around him for marrying my mom) - to my mom, we were hers, but undeniably black. to her family, we were mixed. it was confusing in the household, to say the least. 

while we were accosted at school, bullied, and harassed, my dad had the usual macho-man response of ‘punch ‘em back’ and ‘none of my sons will get beat by some scrawny kids’. if you didn’t punch back, then you were a pussy. 

i, was a pussy. (for many things, but we’ll get there)

my mom, on the other hand, tried her best - bless her fuckin heart. when he wasn’t home, she’d do her best to remind us what we looked like, what we were, and that people wont ever treat us right. she wasn’t wrong, not there, not in that town. 

what was ironic about it all, was while she was trying to get us to understand that being black wasn’t wrong, that it was something to be aware of, yes, but also to be proud - being ‘queer’ was out of the question. 

to start, i was a sensitive kid. that alone was enough to have my older brothers mock me, call me names. when i cried, it got worse. i vividly remember my dad gripping my arm, shaking me, and getting in my face to ‘stop crying like a girl’. i was called queer, i was called fag, i was ostracised by my family - all for crying, all for being ‘sensitive’. i was 6? 7? i was young. a child. 

i learned early. 

as i got older, all the homophobia i’d encountered from my family assuming, made me hate myself for more than just being black, but being whatever i was, too. as i started realizing that boys looked just as good as girls, i became the worst version of myself possible and when my parents divorced, it only festered. 

middle child, remember that? when my dad left, my mom was the only income. she had 7 kids, 7 boys to take care of. my youngest brother was a toddler, my oldest a junior in high school. the older kids were tasked with taking care of the youngest and while my older brothers were working, succeeding in school, making sure the youngest succeeded too, i was left somewhere in between. i was a menace. i created problems in every single fuckin way i could. i wanted attention, i wanted love, i wanted someone to take care of me, too. but i was in middle school and deemed able to take care of myself, so i did. 

i continued to, even as my older brothers went off to college and pursued careers, and i was the last to take care of the kids. i put my mom through the ringer and i had no real prospects. i was getting into fights, smoking weed every day, getting involved with girls, partying, drinking. my second oldest brother pulled me over at the beginning of my senior year and told me that i needed to get out.

he thought it would help - to be away from family, away from my dad, away from the toxicity i’d grown to only know. for a long time, i thought he was stupid. so stupid to think that someone like me, someone with my temperament, my habits, my ability to seek out trouble in every fuckin way i could, should be trusted on my own at college. 

turns out, it was the best advice he could’ve ever given me. 

because i was accepted to psu on a hope and a fuckin prayer. 

i get more into my time at psu here*. it details my drug abuse, my addictions, my severe homophobia, and my path to accepting myself as a bi man. i don’t really feel comfortable explaining that all here, on this public page. but if you would like to read more, you can click the link.* 

anyway, all of that was thanks to wymack and surprisingly, minyard as well. they helped me realize that i could get better, i could be better, that i could overcome the thick fog id lost myself in. 

which brings me to here, today. 

the title of this post is happiness? i asked myself wtf happiness was for the majority of my life. after my undergrad, i questioned if i was happy, every single day. i still do, sometimes. 

you all know me as happy-go-lucky seth; the memester; the goofy guy that is in all actuality, older than the majority of tfn, but treated like the younger brother. maybe, some of you see me as immature. maybe, you think im lying about my age, or that i really am just a happy fuckin guy. 

i am happy, most of the time; so long as im distracted, working, partying, playing music, or helping my friends. but thats really all it is. i need to be busy, in order to forget how unhappy i find myself, sometimes. 

that is, until now. 

relationships are weird - hard to explain. but for me, finding someone i found complete comfort in became important, it became a blessing and i’m not even slightly religious. but that’s what this feels like. 

as many of you know, i’m in a relationship now and maybe im just honeymooning, but by fuck im happy. i havent been able to find solace in quiet for over a decade, full self-acceptance in a lifetime, until i truly met him.

none of you have to know his name, or who he is. but it was in meeting him, someone so like myself with similar struggles and experiences, that i was able to realize that i can love myself. that i have the ability to be proud of who i fucking am, and that i can drop the fucking facade of happiness and actually be happy. 

maybe it’s sappy. 

sounds like it. 

feels like it. 

it is. 

but it was in meeting him, that i learned to have real pride, with no lingering hate dancing around the back of my mind. it was in meeting him, that i learned to accept all aspects of myself and make sure everyone felt just as good as i do.

people like me have the ability to grow. they have the ability to overcome and learn from past mistakes. i was a horrible fucking person for the majority of my life. most of the people i knew wouldn’t even recognize who i am now. doesnt matter that i was a kid, or in college and overcoming grief and ingrained self-hate. i grew, i overcame. i found people that care about me, accept me for the man i am today.

i wish i met them sooner. i wish i’d listened to them sooner. maybe i could've avoided hurting people i hadn’t meant to hurt. 

maybe i could’ve avoided hurting myself, for this long. 

but im finally here and that feels good to say. i found happiness. 

im happy. 

- seth

ooc: * = links to the chapter, where seth goes more into detail with his college experiences, addiction, and past relationships. 

[spacebell]

i feel the need to rant otherwise i’ll explode and thats not unusual this time of the year

i just feel tired and i want a break, this year has been the weirdest year yet, without taking into account covid and the pandemic and the fact that ive been home with my parents for 7 months now (the longest ive been home since high school). 

i graduated from uni earlier this year in march, and i started my masters’ in august and im still feeling ?????????? and i dont enjoy that feeling, and on top of that is the anxiety and social anxiety i constantly feel. ive talked to my parents and my brother about it and the conclusion ive arrived with the help of my brother is that ive been in this existencial crisis for like 3 years now and it has slowly build up over the years, as in i feel in a constant state of anxiety pretty much always and its not fun. i have good days and bad days just as anyone else, but the pandemic might have heightened those feelings. and with me being back home i miss my friends, i miss hanging out with them and just chatting (i do talk to them but sometimes i feel so drained i answer a text and forget to reply for like a week and they do the same and we keep talking as if nothing happen so thats pretty nice) 

on the academic aspect of my life, i do love the masters’ program im in, i really really do, its what i wanted to study in my undergrad for starters, but things happened and i ended up studying something i dont really like. so i was fucking happy when i got accepted into this program, and with that came a lot more feelings of doubt (which are pretty common for anyone starting something new, whether its a new job, a new career path or anything else), and im slowly working on that and i need to celebrate my small victories and just think that i graduated with a fucking 4,30 GPA as a chemical engineer and that i never failed a class and that it was one of the highest GPAs from the class. because when i remind myself of that i know i can do it. also, there’s the fact that i want to leave and eventually live somewhere else, and by somewhere else i mean maybe canada, or austria (my dad’s uncle live’s there and i love him and we’ve visited once i want to go back and stay there), or switzerland (im not entirely sure when or why my fixation with the country started but as i research more i want to go there) i think most of it has to do with being around more open minded and accepting people. and right now with covid that dream is a bit harder to accomplish and in order to maybe work on a research project over the summer ill have to be very active and talk to my professors a lot (which im not used to but ill have to force myself to do it). i just want to leave, but its not like my parents are making a bad environment, quite the opposite, they really support me in every way possible and the want the best for me and both of them really love the idea of me leaving or just doing whatever i want (within reason). maybe its because they can understand and get that i feel a bit of an outcast (and im well aware that probably everyone feels like that at some point in their life, mostly in their teenage years, but some people grow out of it, or find themselves, or something, but i feel that im still finding myself and sometimes i cant keep going if im living here)

i sort of had an anxiety attack the other day when my parents and my aunt and uncle were talking about pension plans and how we should start to think about that as soon as we get a job (which i dont have) and how its important to plan for the future and all i could think was “i need to leave this country as soon as possible.” maybe its because im a bit of an idealistic and i want to work on something i actually like and not just work on something i hate

in conclusion, im in an ongoing existencial crisis that has been building up since like 3/4 years ago and i need a break or move far far far away

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Getting to Know...

Ruby Ryan.

You Could Move In, the debut EP from New Brunswick, NJ singer-songwriter Ruby Ryan, opens with a big beat. Before long, the rhythm track is joined by a melancholy – but gritty – electric guitar riff. In a few quick strokes, a mood is established: longing, urgent, expectant, a little lovelorn, more than a little pugnacious, forward-looking. It's stark, and unadorned, and emotionally bare; once you start listening, it's hard to stop. A full half-minute elapses before Ryan starts singing, but she makes an indelible impression when she does. Ryan has a voice with enough tensile strength to carry sadness and determination simultaneously. She doesn't have to try to be powerful; she just is.

The best place to start with Ruby Ryan might be 'Phosphenes,' an exercise in straight-ahead, doomed romantic storytelling. Everything about the track feels absolutely real: the plaintive lyrics, the missed connections with the object of the narrator's desire, the stinging six-string, and the catch in the singer's voice as she expresses her hope and her frustration. Anybody who has ever harbored unrequited affection – or who has just found themselves caught in a difficult and ambiguous relationship – will surely relate.

Ruby Ryan also understands the beauty and desolation of the suburbs. Her clip for 'Phosphenes' is suffused with the distinctive feeling of suburbia in the autumn: leaves are falling, flowers are withering on their stems, a crisp breeze is blowing, and the sands are running out. Ryan and her directorial partner Alex Tichy follow the romantic drama of a young couple whose emotions are impossible to disguise – and that's because they're both wearing enormous heads made of plaster and paint. The contrast between the quotidian suburban surroundings and the fantastic characters who inhabit these streets creates much of the clip's tension, and it's also a sly commentary. When you're young and in love, you really do feel larger than life – and utterly exposed, too.

Watch the video for 'Phosphenes' below and also read our Q&A with Ruby all about You Could Move In, her influences, creative process and more.

Hi Ruby! How have you been? What are you doing to stay sane during this pandemic?

"I am okay. I work at a grocery store full time, so I’m not even sane, I’m just getting through the pandemic. I spend time hanging out with and missing the people I love. I look at and water my plants, and listen to records, and do a lot of cooking and eating. But mostly I’m working, or sending an email."

How did you get into music? Who did you grow up being influenced by?

"My mom will tell you I’ve been making up songs and singing to myself since I was such a small child. I don’t know how she was never driven cray by me, I was always singing just making stuff up, singing my thoughts basically. She’s very musical and she and my grandmother have surrounded me with music my whole life. Whether it was putting me in piano lessons, or seeing my grandmother sing, I was always in a position to feel inspired musically, by them.

"I played in band through all of school, 5th grade through senior year. I played the bassoon, which looking back, was the best thing ever. I loved it. But I didn’t keep it up in college because I was scared of going to school to perform music with an ensemble. I thought the expectations would be really high, and feared I couldn’t learn quickly enough or be good enough to keep up. Or that I might let people down.

"Right after my freshman year of college is when I decided to try writing and playing songs with a guitar. I’d had one for a few years but then (even now, honestly) didn’t know much besides open chords and how to play some Jeff Buckley songs I learned on Youtube. That first year of college though it felt like I was shriveling up, I had no outlet for this musical creativity and it was really getting to me. I had met this friend Phil, and he and I decided to start writing music and later form a band (Old Joy) together. We continued on with that for a couple years, and I left that project last fall.

"I think my mom played only good music when I was growing up. We listened to the radio and CD’s in the car, and I can’t remember specifically which artists but I’m sure she could. I consider the influences I grew up listening to to be the people I listened to and felt really intensely when I was discovering that I wanted to write music.

"It’s a lot of stuff I latch onto lyrically, and sonically. I’m like “how’d they make me feel like that using just a little tap? or strum? or word?” and then I want to learn more or crack open how to make people feel intensely like I do. People like the Carpenters, Bon Iver, The Japanese House, Phoebe Bridgers and Jeff Buckley. Pretty much if an artist could make me wonder “how did they find words for a feeling, so specifically, and do it so elegantly before I knew what to call it?” they’re an influence of mine. I’ve cried and learned how to come home to myself while listening to each of those artists."

You've just released your debut EP You Could Move In. What's the record about and what does it mean to you?

"The record is about dealing with losing people and trying to figure out where I belong. My life feels like a revolving door of people who mean the world to me, just entering and exiting, entering and exiting. This record is written from a place in me that uses my time spent in constant motion as time to process or unravel my feelings. I kind of use driving as a coping mechanism. I’ve written most of these songs while in a car. I’ll either be writing a lyric on the back of a receipt at a stop light or making an audio recording of a blip of sound or a word I don’t want to forget, but they’re almost always while I’m driving. I’m just thinking a lot when I’m driving, trying to put words to what the heck is going on.

"This thing means everything to me, somehow. It feels so vulnerable for it to be out. It’s my first solo release, too. So I can’t hide, there’s no way these words are someone else’s. Everyone knows it’s me, and this is what I’m feeling or going through or went through. It’s a lot. I wrote these songs as a way to process and get through some really tricky stuff. Having these songs out feels like I’m willingly showing everyone home videotapes of my processing my own pain and my own struggles."

Take us through your songwriting/creative process.

"Playing with an instrument in an ensemble, a piece that’s been written and should be played with so much respect for the music and the composer, is a lot of pressure. I would get so anxious. It always meant a lot to me, like it was a high honor to know how to play it, and have the opportunity to be a part of giving life to someone else music. But it was a lot of anxiety, trying to make sure it was right all the time. And it never was, like I’d mess up and be down on myself, which I think is normal. Deciding to write music and play it by/for myself was a life changing decision. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel good like this. I can make something up, (which usually I have to because I don’t know how to play the guitar) and it can sound good. I can remember it and be good at playing it because I made it up, and I don’t have to follow anyone else standards or rules, or impress anyone, it’s just me. Of course I want to do it well and hold myself to a certain standard when I’m playing. I’m really hard on myself. But I don’t have to cry if I mess up a note or sing a wrong word, it can just be funny because it’s only me.

"My process is, I’ll be driving or falling asleep at night and come up with a line or lyric, and keep a running note or journal of them all. Literally I have to inspire myself to life my head up off the pillow and pick up the phone and write it down. I can’t tell you how many lyrics I’ve had ideas for and thought to myself “oh that’s so good, oh thats so catchy, you’ll never forget it” and then I don’t write it down, and now I’ve completely forgotten them. But I keep a running note until it’s massive. Like as long as a jump rope, and then i’ll shuffle them around and make poems, or find ways they connect and then glue them together.

"Sometimes when a melody comes to me (rare) I play the kazoo into a voice recording to remember how it goes. That can become a baseline, a guitar riff or a vocal melody, but thats the only way i can figure out instrumental’s for songs. Then I pick up a guitar or most likely go to a piano, and have to figure out what the notes are by ear, then the key and the chord progression. I don’t know chords or what notes are what on the guitar, so usually it’s just trial and error until I find on the strings or keys what I hear. I have to work backwards and learn how to play what I hear in my brain. It’s a very long and difficult process, and often discouraging. It feels so good though then its complete and written, like this big confused thing I can’t put words to, is finally allowed to exist outside my head and have its own space."

Finally, what's next for you?

"I have no idea. I work at a grocery store, I graduated undergrad straight into a global pandemic, there is no map in my hand, there’s not even a direction I’m walking in. I just hope people like my music. I’m going to keep doing this. It feels really good to make music and share it, I’d follow this feeling anywhere. Especially since I’m not on my way anywhere specific at the moment."

You Could Move In is out now.