#and that's the end of that... or... perhaps there's a polyam part 2?...

[submarinefleet]

Imagine dating Usami in the modern day, and having Ogata as a mutual friend. Maybe you met them at the same time, or Usami introduced Ogata as his roommate in college. Maybe you even knew Ogata first, and Usami swept in after he introduced the two of you at a party.

(More under the cut. Open the post if you don't see a readmore.)

Whatever the case, Ogata has been secretly pining after you for a long-ass time. Usami picked up on it almost immediately, and has been lording his relationship with you over Ogata ever since, just to fuck with the guy (because of course he is). It doesn't help that Ogata's being kind of an incel about the whole thing, wondering how you could go for an asshole like Usami. Ignoring, of course, the fact that he himself is kind of a dick to you most of the time...

Ogata has it built up in his head that Usami is a terrible boyfriend, and it's only a matter of time until you break up and he can have his shot... but no, that's completely wishful thinking. Usami is an exemplary boyfriend, actually. Loving, attentive, always showing up for you, and spoiling you with fun dates and presents (and he remembers exactly what you like, too!). Doing the lion's share of the housework if you move in together, and making you breakfast every morning before he leaves for work because he wants to make sure you're eating properly. Not to mention the sex--if you have it--is phenomenal...

Ogata is left coming home to an empty, messy apartment every night, to eat a microwaved meal and watch gun historian videos on YouTube with the lights out. Wondering how an asshole like Usami has you so fooled. He knows what that guy's really like...

[dylanndr]

Perhaps you saw this Tweet from Vico, which certainly seems to be *implying certain things.*

Most of the comments are reading this as a hint about a Jim/Oluwande reunion, and perhaps that's the case.

Buuuuuuuut ...

Those are Con's idiosyncratic ellipses. Vico likes to poach those ellipses when they're teasing/flirting with Con. So my own personal read on this (and maybe I'm wrong!) is that the hint being dropped here is in reference to some Jim/Izzy action.

To be clear, I don't think this precludes anything between Jim and Oluwande. Vico is openly and proudly polyamorous, the show has already demonstrated positive polyam rep, and it would not surprise me in the slightest if Jim turns out to be polyam as well (it's already hinted at in their flirtation with Spanish Jackie).

Jim and Izzy have no direct interactions in S1, so it's difficult to get a read on what they think of each other in canon. For that, we have to turn to some meta, based on what the actors have said about the characters.

Vico made it clear since before renewal that they *really* wanted some major character development between Jim and Izzy in S2. One possibility they threw out was Jim getting Izzy to open up in much the same way Oluwande got Jim to open up. We all know what that lead to between Jim and Oluwande.

Meanwhile, Con said Jim and Lucius are the two people who really throw Izzy out of whack. Specifically that Izzy is a little bit frightened of Jim.

This is me speculating here, but I think Izzy gets off on feeling afraid of someone. He is ostensibly the best swordsman in the world; there are very, very few people he's genuinely afraid of. Part of what puts him off about Edward is not finding him scary anymore. He *wants* to feel like this guy could kill him, and pushes to turn Edward back into that person.

Lucius confuses him because Lucius shouldn't be able to frighten him. And yet, Lucius scares him with the threat of public humiliation. (I know a lot of folks think Izzy has a kink for being shamed/humiliated, but I disagree. I think he loves dishing it out, but hates being on the receiving end.) It's after a look of fear comes over his face in the "ever been sketched" scene that he almost kisses Lucius.

So, given all that. If Izzy is a little bit frightened of Jim? Then Izzy is probably also a little bit horny about Jim.

We'll find out what the intent of this tweet is once we get our clutches on season 2, but my vote is that this is a Jim/Izzy reference.

[thryth-gaming]

Katalepsis MotW Arc 8 Level Up

First, regarding all the REDACTED stuff... the related project is in layout and that's almost finished but the company is holding off going public until we've got a timeline for art decided. So probably going public mid to late quarter 3 (July-September).

All right, so first thing's first. In retrospect, I'm rethinking the best way to reframe the end of Arc 7 and Heather's return from the Abyss.

I think, mechanically speaking, Heather died in saving Sarika. And that her awakening some days later was basically the result of a Resurrection ritual. In universe, it doesn't appear that there was a proper ritual per se, but I think reframing the resurrection rules as the efforts all the characters made to bring Heather back, whether this is Raine and Evee taking care of her or Heather's adventures in the Abyss.

Yes, while it's not explicit, the idea of the "dead" hunter doing stuff on the afterlife side is something I've used and have seen used in podcasts. So Heather was part of her own resurrection ritual.

Now, as to how Resurrection works in MotW, it's very dramatic.

So, the elements of this particular big magic involved, as said before:

Raine taking care of her and trying to talk to her

Evee performing examinations

Heather exploring the Abyss and talking to her sister.

I don't think Nicole and Twil were involved, but perhaps Praem was in some form.

In any case, had framed this as a resurrection originally, I would have imagined her Charm or Cool going down 1 and her Weird going up 1... then the advance I spent on Weird maxing at 3 would have spent on her recovering and repairing that shift anyway.

I'd also be tempted to take the "come back very different" and shift her to being the Summoned, but she's not obviously inhuman so doesn't quite hit that Hellboy feel the Summoned is built for.

Ultimately, I feel like she came back either "a little bit broken" or just "broken". Given the extreme difficulties she's having, I'm opting for "came back broken" with the immense dysphoria and depression she's demonstrating.

So, now, on to the events of this arc. This arc confirmed a lot of things for me:

Evee's definitely using summoned critters as her approach so taking the Summoned weird move and the shift to the Covenant playbook both feel appropriate.

The group was called to this discussion, but they still went along with it pretty firmly. So the Laws of Hospitality team playbook move I gave them early on has once again been used. It's a toss up to say who broke the truce here, but I'd lean in to Edward's decision not to engage fairly is the culprit. Which would give the hunters a +1 ongoing against him for a bit. That said, given how unconfident they are, it might instead be considered that they broke the truce and thus will have a -1 ongoing on him for a story or two. I think, however, I'll go with Raine saying they gave better than they got and assume Edward in is the culprit.

I think Heather is still in Hex territory and Addiction is still her Temptation.

I was suspecting Nicole wasn't going to stay in the police force and this arc confirmed that. So, she's going to quickly change playbooks here.

Nicole and Praem's continued involvement makes my framing them as "second hunters" feel appropriate. Also, my thought that both Evee and Nicole have the same player and are both intelligence based cynical blondes makes me think that said player has a type.

Zhang making an appearance and vanishing does seem to confirm ally but not player status. At least for now.

One new thing. I'd been seeing a lot of chatter in the Katalepsis Discord about Heather's "polycule" but given my own polyam-shipping tendencies I was initially dismissing that as just fandom speak. But this arc does have the first in-text support of that chatter.

Interesting.

So, for level ups. I'm going to go ahead and give the hunters 2 advances each but not advancing the Teambook. The team had a lot of difficulty and surprises here.

For Heather, I'm giving her a new Rote called "Abyssal Self" I'm going to say it requires her to suffer 1-Harm to just use it. There should be a second requirement and while none of the sample items quite fit, I think I'll say that her instincts also heighten so she has to roll Act Under Pressure in circumstances she otherwise wouldn't while they're out. So the move I think will look like this:

Abyssal Self: When you summon pneuma-somatic tentacles, suffer 1 harm and your instincts are heightened. Roll +Weird. You gain tentacle natural weapons (2 harm hand close grab forceful invisible).

On a 10+ everything goes well.

On a 7-9 you choose one: suffer +1 harm, become unstable, the tentacles only last briefly.

On a 6- choose two: suffer +1 Harm, the tentacles fail to appear completely, become unstable, you are distracted by pain and nausea.

As a note "unstable" means that any given point, the Keeper can declare you suffer an extra harm until the damage is treated.

There's actually another playbook that matches with the story Heather is experiencing... two actually. But I think she's still in Hex territory primarily right now. Plus she can't change playbook just yet since I didn't take that option from the Resurrection.

For her second improvement, I'm giving her "Luck of the Damned" which gives her a +1 forward to her next roll after using magic or a rote. So... along with her Temptation being Addiction, she is now mechanically rewarded for using magic. I'm thinking of it as mostly a psychological effect here, a rush of confidence or heightened anxiety for fight/flight after she uses magic that focuses her.

This brings me to Raine and I'm thinking I'm the unique Hard Case improvement allowing her to increase her Fire to 13. And the second option I'm going to change her playbook to a third party playbook called The Protector. I've seen it used in the podcast Monster's Playbook and it has some interesting elements. So let's see go down the list of Raine's Hardcase stuff and see if she drops anything. And honestly, I don't think she does. This means she's collecting a lot of power and options for fighting people. But still, the narrative justifies her keeping all her moves. Anyway now we go over giving her the Protector stuff:

She gains "Won't be Wronged" and has to name a mission by filling in blanks on "I must keep _______ safe from _________." Which I'm going to state as "I must keep Heather and Evee safe from mages and themselves. I imagine most people put a single person or place in the first blank and a single threat in the second, but MotW is flexible and Raine is equally bothered when either Evee or Heather get in danger.

She gains "I can't lose you" which will force her to spend Luck to save either Heather or Evee if either would otherwise die.

And she gains three other moves from the list. "You'll have to go through me" is tempting, but she doesn't need faster XP gain. Instead, I'll get "Lost Time" which gives her a +1 forward when she gets a chance to spend time with her protectees, "Brute Force" which lets her use Tough to Read a Bad Situation rather than Sharp, and "Oh no!" which allows her to quickly get to someone when she realizes they need help.

This might be a short lived stay since a lot of the other moves are magic oriented, abjuration and such, and the advancements aren't especially interesting. I have an idea for a third playbook already, but this idea has been nagging me for a bit.

On to Evee. Okay first off, I'm going to finally give her a +1 Charm, she's still a bit rough, but when she's pressed she's able to apply her anger and communicate rather than just let it loose. Note again that Charm represents dealing with people in general, not necessarily in a friendly manner. I'm also giving her Get Down! as a move that allows her to split damage between herself and nearby allies when Protecting someone.

On to Twil... her family is coming into things a little bit more... so I actually think it's a bit valid to have her shift to being The Initiate to represent her family pushing themselves into the story more and more. As with Raine, it doesn't feel like this invalidates any of her existing moves so we'll move on to adding the Initiate stuff:

She gets a Sect with two good traditions and one bad tradition. I'm going with "Magical Lore" and "Like Family" (one of these isn't in the Core book btw) for good traditions and "Mystical Oaths" to represent the influence of Hringewindla. She herself doesn't directly deal with that, but it does indirectly deal with it.

She gets the "Sect Move" as most MotW players call it. It's an unnamed move dealing with staying in your Sect's good graces.

I'm going to give her "Mystic" which gives her +1 forward after a successful use magic. She doesn't "use magic" but this move was written before alternate weird moves were a thing and I usually interpret that as working with other basic Weird moves. In Twil's case "No Limits" so she gets a +1 forward when she does something with her action hero superhuman nature.

I will also give her "Ancient Fighting Arts" like Raine has. This actually makes her very good at protecting people in person while using natural or ancient weapons since she deals +1 Harm and gets a +1 to Protect Other. I usually encourage avoiding doubling up moves, but I think it works here.

For her third I'm going to give her "Mentor" to represent her mother and going to ask for advice.

Toward this, her second improvement was going to be +1 Cool so that she was now +0 Cool. But then I realized I had given her that +1 last time and neglected to apply it. Anyway, instead I'm giving her "What Could Go Wrong?" from the Mundane playbook. This gives some benefits whenever she "charges into immediate danger without hedging your bets". I mean.... I really should have borrowed this move for her earlier.

Honestly, this could be a case where I'm late to the party (similar to the [REDACTED] playbook I gave Evee), but I'm sort of expecting her family to ask her to do something she doesn't want to do fairly soon for all that they seem a rather benign cult as things go in an eldritch horror story.

This brings us to Praem, I'm going to give her a second borrowed move and take "Keep Going and Going" from the Interface which means she doesn't sleep and is immune to sedating effects. I'm then giving her her first advanced improvement and making "Help Out" and "Act Under Pressure" as advanced. Meaning she's very very good at the Cool stuff.

And now another complex one because we're about to change Nicky's playbook. First, we have to give her another basic improvement so she has five improvements and I'm going to have her borrow "Monster Empathy" from The Pararomantic which lets her get a good idea of what a supernatural entity might desire. She's still getting her footing, but I'm imagining the first thing that adapts is her ability to read motivations. And then we're changing her to The Gumshoe... and she will lose some things here. Namely, she will lose her Agency. Contrary to the situation with Evee and Twil, I may be jumping the gun here and it turns out Nicky stays a cop for a good long while. (side note, I suspect she's sweet on Kimberly). So let's go over changes:

Agency is lost

Deal with the Agency is lost

She needs a Code and this is difficult. It needs to be a one-sentence code that puts them in challenging moral decisions. The only stated line that stands out to me is "Attention to detail, it's part of the job" and on first glance that strikes me as difficult to work into something that can put her in difficult situations. However, it is a call to not slack or leave questions unanswered. This could push her to look into questions that she expects she doesn't want the answer to. A lot of Gumshoe moves depend on whether or not she's keeping true to this oath, so I think for now I will use that with the caveat that I reserve the right to editorialize the code into something else if it is demonstrated in the story.

She now gets two mandatory moves: "The Naked City" which she already has through borrowing it as a Professional, and "Occult Confidential" which allows her to just ask a question from "investigate a mystery" the first time she gets a chance to observe a monster, minion, or phenomenon. No roll needed.

Then she gets one more move and I think it will be "Just one more thing" where she can ask leading questions to get information. This goes with the fact that she's particularly good at interrogating people, and yes, the move is named for Columbo's catch phrase. Also, in this case the quotes are part of the move name and not just me noting its a move.

EDIT: I initially just copied over her contact groups for Naked City, but I think it's probably appropriate to replace "Street Criminals" (not depicted in story) with "Occultists" (something she's directly cultivating in the story).

------------------------------------------

Team Playbook: Coven

Team Playbook: Coven

Team Style: Superheroes with Fangs, Oath: The means determines the ends.

Team Ally: Lozzie, Zheng

Team Enemy: The Eye

Team Moves: Laws of Hospitality; How Awful Goodness Is; Bell, Book, and Candle

Team Asset: Headquarters, Archive, Leyline Map, Wards and Barriers, Ritual Cupboard, Armory

Improvements

Take two more dots worth of Assets: Leyline Map

Take two more dots worth of Assets: Wards and Barriers

Take a new Teambook Move: How Awful Goodness Is

Take two more dots worth of Assets: Ritual Cupboard and Armory

Take a new Team Ally: Zheng

Take a new Teambook Move: Bell, Book, and Candle

------------------------------------------

Heather Morell - The Spooky The Hex

Charm +2

Cool +1

Sharp +1

Tough -1

Weird +3

Moves

Basic Weird Move: Use Magic

Advanced Basic Moves: Use Magic, Read a Bad Situation

Spooky Moves: The Sight, Tune In, Jinx, The Big Whammy

Hex Moves: Bad Luck Charm, Burn Everything, Wise Soul, Luck of the Damned

Borrowed Moves (Spooky): Guardian: Tenny (Ally Type: Bodyguard, to intercept danger), FINISH HIM! (Fire)

Borrowed Move (Hex): Third Eye

Dark Side: Paranoia, Guilt, Pain

Temptation: Addiction

Rotes

Out: 1-harm, nausea, touch target. roll +Weird, 10+ send them where you want and you can retrieve them. 7-9 you lose track, they or their disappearance will be a problem. 6- you're unable to complete it and attract bad attention.

Abyssal Self: When you summon pneuma-somatic tentacles, suffer 1 harm and your instincts are heightened. Roll +Weird. You gain tentacle natural weapons (2 harm hand close grab forceful invisible). On a 10+ everything goes well. On a 7-9 you choose one: suffer +1 harm, become unstable, the tentacles only last briefly. On a 6- choose two: suffer +1 Harm, the tentacles fail to appear completely, become unstable, you are distracted by pain and nausea.

Fire: 0/10 (Fire increases when)

Each 1 Harm suffered

Each time a friend is hurt

Each time someone defies Heather

Harm: 0/7 (Unstable at 4, Dead at 8)

Weapons:

The Big Whammy - 2-harm, close, obvious, ignore-armor. (Kick Some Ass with +Weird)

Burn Everything A - 3-harm, area, magic, obvious (Use Magic)

Burn Everything B - 3-harm, ignore-armor, magic, obvious (Use Magic)

Mark of Kinship

Changeling Move: They are my People

Unknown Heritage: Strange Thoughts, Sensory Bombardment

Improvements

Take a Spooky Move: The Big Whammy

Take a move from another playbook: Guardian (Searcher)

Increase Charm +1, max 2

Take a move from another playbook: FINISH HIM! (Hard Case)

Increase Cool +1, max 2

Use Magic and Read a Bad Situation advanced

Change Playbook: The Hex

Increase Weird +1, max 3

Take a move from another playbook: Third Eye (Spell-Slinger)

Take another Rote: Abyssal Self

Take another Hex Move: Luck of the Devil

------------------------------------------

Raine Haynes - The Hard Case The Protector

Charm +1

Cool +3

Sharp +0

Tough +3

Weird -1

Moves

Basic Weird Move: Trust Your Gut

Advanced Basic Moves: Kick Some Ass, Manipulate Someone

Hard Knocks: Bodyguard

Hard Case Moves: Furnace (Fire), Stone Cold, Inspired Guesswork (Fire), Weapon Master, Unstoppable (Fire)

Won't Be Wronged: "I must keep Heather and Evee safe from mages and themselves."

Protector Moves: I can't lose you, Brute Force, Oh No!, Lost Time

Borrowed Moves (Hard Case): Background: Burglary (Crooked), Unfazeable

Fire: 0/13 (Fire increases when)

Each 1 Harm suffered

Each time a friend is hurt

Each time someone defies Raine

Harm: 0/9 (Unstable at 5, Dead at 10)

Mark of Kinship

Monstrous Move: Something Borrowed: Ancient Fighting Arts

Curse: Pure Drive (Violence)

Gear: A spell formula written on a napkin, pistol (2 harm close), Crowbar/Baseball Bat (2-harm hand messy innocuous, 3 Harm with Ancient Fighting Arts), Huge Fucking Knife (2-harm hand messy, 3-harm hand with Ancient Fighting Arts)

Improvements:

Increase Cool +1, max 2

Increase Tough +1, max 3

Take a Hard Case move: Weapon Master

Take a Hard Case move: Unstoppable

Add 1 Harm box before the unstable line.

Take a move from another Playbook: Background: Burglary (Crooked)

Kick Some Ass and Manipulate Someone advanced

Create a Second Hunter: Praem

Take a move from another playbook: Unfazeable

Add an extra harm box to your harm track before "Dying"

Your Fire Track increases to 13.

Change Playbook: The Protector

------------------------------------------

Evelyn "Evee" Saye - The Expert The Covenant

Charm +0

Cool +1

Sharp +2

Tough -1

Weird +2

Moves

Weird Move: Use Magic, Summoner

Known Summons: Tardus venandi, Servitors

Advanced Basic Moves: Use Magic, Investigate a Mystery

Expert Moves: Often Right, Dark Past, Preparedness, I've read about this sort of thing.

Covenant Moves: Covenant, Friendship: Rolodex, Smash Cut, Who Said I Was Alone, Get Down!

Borrowed Moves: Dark Negotiator, Adept Sorcerer: Praem (Ally type: Subordinate to follow your exact instructions)

Haven: Mystical Library, Protection Spells, Magical Laboratory, Guardian

Harm: 0/7 (Unstable at 4, Dead at 8)

Mark of Kinship

Fractal Rote: Roll +Weird, 10+ the symbol is stable and will last some days of passive use and hours of active use. 7-9 the symbol wears out quickly and will break down much more rapidly. 6- the symbol will fail at the worst possible moment.

Summoning Rote: Roll +Weird, 10+ the summoned creature will be strong and responsive, 7-9 the summoned creature will be strong or responsive, but not both, 6- the creature will go out of control.

Temptation: Vengeance

Improvements

Increase Weird +1, max 2

Take a move from another playbook: Adept Sorcerer (Exile)

Take a move from another playbook: Dark Negotiator (Monstrous)

Take an Expert move: Preparedness

Take an Expert move: I've read about this sort of thing.

Add an option to your haven

Use Magic and Investigate a Mystery advanced

Create a Second Hunter: Nicole Webb

Add a second Weird Move: Wummoner

Change playbooks: Covenant

+1 to Charm to a maximum of 3

Choose another Covenant move: Get Down!

------------------------------------------

Twil Hopton - The Monstrous The Initiate

Charm +0

Cool +0

Sharp +0

Tough +2

Weird +3

Breed: Werewolf

Curse: Vulnerability Silver

Natural Attack: Claws (3-harm hand), Fangs (3-harm intimate)

Sect: Church of Hringewindla

Good Traditions: Magical Lore, Like Family

Bad Traditions: Mystical Oaths

Moves

Basic Weird Move: No Limits

Advanced Basic Moves: Protect Someone, No Limits

Monstrous Moves: Something Borrowed: Invincible, Unquenchable Vitality, Shapeshifter, Preternatural Speed

Initiate Moves: "Sect Move", Mentor, Mystic, Ancient Fighting Arts

Borrowed Moves (Monstrous): Predator and Prey, Symbiosis (Benefits: Can't be possessed, non-physical symbiote, Downsides: Limited Communication)

Borrowed Moves (Initiate): What could go wrong?

Harm: 0/7 (Unstable at 4, Dead at 8)

Armor: 2 (Invincible)

Mark of Kinship

Spooky Move: Hunches

Dark Side: Secrets, Poor Impulse Control

Improvements:

Take a Monstrous move: Shapeshifter

Take a Monstrous move: Preternatural Speed

Take a move from another playbook: Predator and Prey (Host)

Take a move from another playbook: Symbiosis (Host)

Increase Charm +1, max 2

Add another natural attack option

Protect Someone and No Limits Advanced

Increase Cool +1, max 2

Increase any +1, max 3 (Cool)

Change Playbook: The Initiate

Take a move from another playbook: What could go wrong? (Mundane)

------------------------------------------

Praem - The Constructed

Charm +0

Cool +2

Sharp -1

Tough +2

Weird +2

Purpose: Experiment

Animating Force: Magic, Meditation

Moves

Basic Weird Move: No Limits

Advanced Basic Moves: Help Out, Act Under Pressure

Constructed Moves: Inhuman, Recharge, But Why?

Experiment Borrowed Move: Tactical Genius (Professional)

Borrowed Moves (Constructed): Helping Hand (Initiate), Keep Going and Going (Interface)

Harm: 0/10 (Dead at 11)

Mark of Kinship

Monstrous Move: Something Borrowed: Prepared to Defend (Searcher)

Curse: Pure Drive (Love)

Improvements:

Add a second Animating Force

Increase Cool +1, max 2

Increase Weird +1, max 2

Take a move from another playbook: Helping Hand (Initiate)

Take a move from another playbook: Keep Going and Going (Interface)

Take "Help Out" and "Act Under Pressure" as advanced

------------------------------------------

Detective Sergeant Nicole Webb - The Professional The Gumshoe

Charm +2

Cool +2

Sharp +2

Tough -1

Weird +0

Agency: Sharrowford Police Department

Resources: Official Pull, Recognized Authority

Red Tape: Hostile Superiors, Skepticism

Code: "Attention to detail, it's part of the job"

Moves

Basic Weird Move: Trust Your Gut

Professional Moves: Deal with the Agency; Mobility: Anonymous, Toolkit, Gas-Guzzler; Bottle it Up; Battlefield Awareness; Leave No One Behind

Gumshoe Moves: Occult Confidential, "Just one more thing"

Naked City: Local Police, Accountants, Media, Occultists

Borrowed Moves (Professional): The Naked City: Local Police, Accountants, Media, Street Criminals (Gumshoe), Monster Empathy

Harm: 0/7 (Unstable at 4, Dead at 8)

Improvements:

Take a move from another playbook: The Naked City (Gumshoe)

Increase Sharp +1, Max 2

Increase Charm +1, Max 2

Take a Professional move: Leave No One Behind

Take a move from another playbook: Monster Empathy (Pararomantic)

Change playbooks: The Gumshoe

[commander-diomika]

I just feel like i cannot do a single thing until I wrote out what happened with my ex. I feel completely clogged and broken down. I know this isn't exactly the same as journaling but here we go.

The timeline; five and a half years ago, Charlie and I got together. Two years later in early 2018 we moved in together after getting engaged. It was always an unconventional relationship structure; we're polyam, we've both got other partners, and I was very clear that I wanted to continue living with my queerplatonic life partner as well, so the three of us moved into together. We approached it carefully; I had said I never wanted to cohabit with a partner again, they weren't sure if it suited them. So we got a three bedroom place, everyone got a bedroom and Charlie got the garage as their study/rumpus room so they could have plenty of space for their computer and independence from me.

We'd been living together for a year, when out of the blue they told me they wanted to move out, citing not feeling like they had enough space from me, and being able to hear me have sex with my other partners was distressing as our bedrooms shared a wall. Up until this point I thought we'd been sharing fairly successfully for a pair of mentally ill, depressed people doing their best to support each other and share a bit of joy where we could. I was heartbroken and felt like this had been dropped on me out of nowhere. They'd never mentioned any issues or told me that hearing my sex life was upsetting them, or tried to bring me into that thought process at all. I told them off for making a unilateral decision about our relationship and living situation, and they agreed to stay and try and work on the issues instead of just leaving. This got long, more under the cut.

As a compromise, I moved my bedroom from upstairs next to theirs into the garage downstairs. That... wasn't ideal obviously? It's a poorly insulated room with no windows to the outside right next to the kitchen, but I was committed to them and I wanted them to be comfortable, whatever that took. I understood that this was an experimental solution, not one that promised to fix everything, but I spent the next six months checking in a LOT to make sure their concerns had been resolved, and they assured me that they were happy, and my garage bedroom had fixed it.

The three of us got a dog. I drove them to and from multiple surgeries and cared for them in recovery. I spent a vicious year going to therapy 1-2 times a week. I got sober. I learnt to manage my ASD diagnosis and pulled myself up outta a pretty deep hole. I put on a solo Fringe show.

One year after moving into Garage Bedroom, the pando hit. Almost nine months of hard lockdown together in a house with the three of us. But we got through it. I spent most of 2020 doing all the cooking because I was off work, and Charlie was still working from home, so we fell into a routine of me cooking when the worked, and they cooked (reluctantly) one night a week. I tried to be the best partner I could and check in as much as I could, even though the answer to "how are you" for most of 2020, for everyone, was "sad and scared and just doing my damn best." They said they were happy. They told me they loved me. They told me they loved living with me.

In late Jan of 2020, several months out of hard lockdown and less than a month after the three of us adopted a cat, Charlie once again drops the bomb that they want to move out. Less than a week later they had applied for and accepted the lease on a new house. I had no idea this was coming. They never told me they were unhappy or wanted things to change. Which was a fairly ingrained pattern in our relationship by then, but I guess I deluded myself into thinking that if there was a really big issue, they would come to me. That I didn't need to go fishing for problems if I was given no indication that they existed.

They moved out, which I helped them do, once again putting their needs ahead of mine. As long as they were happy and doing what was right for them, I couldn't be upset, right?

Couldn't be upset that they'd completely upended my life, left me and my roomie with the dog and cat, and the choice to either move ourselves or live with a stranger. They wanted things to just continue... with the two of us spending one or so nights a week together but with them now in a different house. Like things hadn't changed. Like I wasn't hurting and the trust wasn't broken. Like I wasn't still reeling over the fact they could have decided to do this without even flagging it to be before enacting the move out. I tried to let things continue. Said for the moment I had to reframe us as friends but wanted to keep seeing them.

That lasted about a month before I allowed myself to realise it was over, to reflect on all the ways I felt wounded, all the ways in which I couldn't feel close to them through the huge gulf of their lack of consideration or ability to open up to me. The final nail in the coffin was a long message from me, laying out my hurt, laying out my fears that living alone would allow them to indulge their tendancy toward isolation, all the ways in which their staying silent about their needs had hurt the relationship in many ways, not just the sudden move-out. Their reply was that they understood and respected my need for space and a proper break up, but that part of them was confused about how I had seemed happy with our relationship before we moved in together, and they didn't understand why we couldn't just go back to the way things were.

To be clear if you've read this far, they were confused about why things just couldn't go back to the way they were, three years ago, before we got engaged, before we adopted pets together, before we shared our lives and friends, meals and domestic life through a long a traumatic year.

And I realised then with a horrible, gut wrenching grief that for them truly nothing had changed. They had committed no more to the relationship in those intervening years. They had revealed no more of themself to me, they hadn't let me in or dedicated themself to the relationship in the way that I had. That all of my growth and learning to let people in had been one sided, and they truly just thought we could drop everything and return to the way our relationship looked back then, when I was a much less open and vulnerable person, when I was deeply fucking depressed and addicted to drugs.They had patted me on the back as I went through a grueling amount of transformative therapy, and they hadn't changed from their stoic, self protective, guarded ways at all. And they wanted to push me even further away.

I'm upset with myself for not seeing it, for not realising I was pouring love, service and commitment into something that they were still holding at arms length. That just because you show someone the hard parts of yourself, if they're not doing it in return it's not really love, is it? I was just a helpful person to have around and they wanted to continue by keeping the easy, companionable parts of us, without them having to do any of the hard work, or ever truly COMMIT to the MORTIFYING fucking ordeal of being KNOWN. They never even understood or acknowledged the importance of that! I thought I was giving them time and space to come to those things on their own, but really I was just giving them permission to never be truly open with me. And that persisted right up until the bitter, shocking end.

There's no happy ending here currently, except for allowing myself to reflect and to reframe our relationship. To better understand. And to let myself feel angry, and upset, for being in a onesided relationship for so long. Perhaps after I'm done being angry, there will be some relief that I'm not longer pouring myself into someone that wasn't able, for whatever reasons, to give much of themselves back. 18/04/2021

[wandering-bitch]

Annotations on Falling in Love with Love (Again) pt 2

Falling in Love with Love (Again) is my 3zun cinderella fixit. here are some sick notes on chapters 5-8. there are spoilers obviously (god the notion of my shit needing a spoiler warning haha)

ch 5: love’s a game I can play

nie mingjue is smart and anyone who thinks otherwise can die mad about it

i hate go/weiqi so much bc of Terrible Boring Boyfriend Reasons so the fact that i researched it for this fic means a lot. nmj better fucking love me after all this

im just a sneaky terrible polyam bitch who wants to make another sneaky terrible polyam bitch happy and give him a nice life

i say this, as though im not ALSO constantly planning to kill him with tension

lxc: perhaps u’ll indulge me; nmj + my: yes of course whatever u want king

lxc begging for help playing games is one of the most galaxy brained things ive ever come up with

lxc isn’t normally thirsty or flirty but with his boyfriends??? playful flirt extraordinaire. 

ch 6 the half-sister’s lament

look this chapter title is the funniest fucking thing i’ve ever written. 

it’s ~*murder time*~

qin su for mvp

ppl keep saying i have the best qin su take which is great and flattering but honestly it’s just that i have any qin su take

more ppl should write qin su with me

actually im gonna talk about qin su for a second

from canon we know a small handful of things:

she doesn’t care about heritage/birth

she pursued meng yao

she’s got a nice face

from this we can deduce a few things

she’s a fucking comerade

she’s smart enough to attract meng yao

she’s thirsty as hell

and therefore

she’s good, i love her, she deserves little a crime as a treat

happy polyam feels!!!!

and here we are, the core of the fic, the strike of the clock at midnight....... the murder

meng yao thinking through like ten layers of shit while murdering someone is SUCH a mood. not the murder part but like. u’ve got what ur doing, ur commentary on what ur doing, what ur actually thinking about while doing shit, commentary on what ur thinking about,  plans for what to do next, and of course the part of your brain that’s laughing at you for having so many lines of commentary going on

sometimes u gotta murder a man who’s trying to assault you or your sibling. 

u see, the other emotional core of this fic is Qin Su Rights

More seriously:

the only thing that makes meng yao better in this fic, the Major Change TM, is qin su meeting him + making him realize that jin guangshan’s validation isn’t worth it

i mean it doesn’t happen immediately but like

our start + midpoint + eventual end are going to center around meng yao’s created family with qin su

ch 7 Glad to be Back In My Own Little Corner

starting from the top again we hang out in koi tower

word of god: jin zixuan knows that meng yao is is brother, but doesn’t know 1. if meng yao knows or 2. if meng yao wants to talk about it. so he’s being as nice + caring as possible to his brother. but also he’s just the most awkward creatur on the planet

writing jin guangshan is annoying and i probably have made him more dumb than i could have but like. i think he’s good at short-term planning + being a coward, but he’s not as good at the Game as he thinks he is

“this is fine” big mood meng yao

ch 8 Seriously Thinking of Retreating

awwww yeahhhh the Tension chapter

this ch was hard to write, not bc like emotions or whatever, but bc i don’t have as good a handle on the xiyao dynamic. lan xichen is such a good man and when with him, meng yao wants to be a good man, too

(i mean, unless it’s later in canon and lan xichen’s goodness makes jin guangyao want to appear as good as possible, while also continuing to control him)

(i live for toxic xiyao and nieyao and 3zun just as much as i live for happy healthy 3zun/xiyao/nieyao/nielan)

first we have some absolute saccharine bullshit!! but it’s meng yao so of course he’s afraid that everything will fall apart

back in the present, we have some more Qin Su rights! supporting our sibling who’s going through some Trauma, helping her get some sick sect leader ass, making dumb jokes. love 4 qin su and nothing else

then we see lan xichen being bitter, as he deserves. it sucks to talk to someone who broke your heart so soon after. i spied my ex in a crowded lush six months? a year? after she dumped me and i immediately ran powerwalked out and went to the craft store to feel better

what i’m saying is that lan xichen is stronger than me

“i don’t know what you want me to say to that” “neither do i” hurts so much i love it

tbh??? “It should have hurt more, but he just felt still. this was an acceptable ending” is. also something im proud of

i can’t feel my own soft romantic content but i CAN feel my own Tension Content