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1025cherrystreet · 4 years ago

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funeral

y/n attends a funeral and feels hopeless after losing her best friend until she meets her late bsf's cousin Harry.

a/n: this is for @harrystylescherry Playlist Fic Challenge!!! this is inspired by the song Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers. i used the name Phoebe in the story but i wasn't picturing Phoebe Bridgers when I was writing that character, i just liked the name and decided to go with it! but, y'all can picture her however y'all like lol. i went from loving this story to hating it, but i hope y'all like it! any feedback is appreciated!! <3

**despite it being surrounded by depressing matters, it's actually a cute and fluffy story lol! just wanted to point that out because i, myself, kinda avoid reading sad stories

warnings: a LOT of talk about death and dying and funerals, mentions depression/depressive episode?, mentions drugs and alcohol, swearing. i'm ceo of rushing the ending, soz <3 (also, gave up on proofreading lmao)

word count: 8k+ (this is the longest piece i've ever written lol)

Y/N has this dream. Where she's screaming underwater while her friends are waving at her from the shore. She's desperately calling for them, hoping and waiting for them to help, but, seemingly, her friends can't hear... and can't help. Submerged beneath the thrashing waters, her wails fall silent; her familiars deaf to her pleads. The more she struggles to get to the surface for air, the deeper she sinks. Her friends just waving at her as she drifts to the bottom. Every time she jolts awake from these dreams in a sweat stained bed and sticky clothes, she decides to brush it off. Not wanting to think about the problems she needs to face or what she needs to work on. Always concluding that she doesn't need anyone to tell her what it means or overanalyze her life through misplaced visions. Deciding to not believe assumptions made from vague, painful pictures.

As the familiar sinking feeling in her chest starts yet again, Y/N snaps her eyes up at the casket as the sound of her best friend's mother releasing a heart wrenching sob catches her focus.

The contrast of the white roses that lay on top of Phoebe's mahogany stained casket almost glow in the evening light, seeming like a mock to such a somber evening. The way the living looks so effervescent and bright, casting shadows on the less fortunate. The dead never celebrated in such light but rather mourned in dim grief and sadness.

Y/N doesn't like funerals, and not just because her best friend of 10 years is the recipient of this one. She's never cared for them. Believing they're just an excuse to get over the one they are to be honoring, they carry a stigma that everyone in attendance has to cry or you're seen as heartless, while the people who were never close to the deceased are presumed fake for showing emotion. Y/N thinks they're a big joke... with a cruel, cruel punchline.

The sound of despondent music playing and cries ring throughout the cemetery as Phoebe's casket is lowered six feet into the ground. The unchecked emotions start to boil inside of Y/N. Anger boiling deep inside of her quickly reaching its point, anger that stems from betrayal, that stems from hurt, that stems from...loss. She quietly scoffs, shaking her head with a stone cold look, before quickly getting up and walking away from the ceremony as her late friend's uncle, Bill, wraps up his poor excuse of a eulogy.

Phoebe wouldn't have wanted this. She wouldn't have wanted people to cry over her casket, stuck laying in a padded box while people who don't even know the real her, speak of her existence like they were the best of friends. They weren't. She was. Y/N was her best friend. These people don't... didn't know her like Y/N does. It's all bullshit.

In Y/N's quick pace away from the tent around the damp open ground, she spots a bigger gravestone with a stone bench built into it and takes a seat.

She inhales deeply, taking a moment to herself to look up at the sky. The clouds that overcast part of the blue sky drifting farther away from the graveyard as the sun starts making its way to set. She breathes in, the delightful scent of honeysuckle and dewy grass filling her nose before it's tainted by fumes of petrol from the road just on the other side of the cemetery gates behind her. It's so unfair; why of all people did Phoebe have to-

"It's all a joke," A deep accent says to her left.

She almost jumps out of her seat when she turns to the man who took the empty spot next to her. Jesus Christ, where the fuck did he come from? she thinks to herself. He had brown curly hair and green eyes (well, thinking green from what she can gather staring at the side of his face), wearing a black suit with a black button up shirt underneath. Rings clad his fingers and the sunset gleam shines off his cross necklace. She stares wide-eyed at him for a few moments before shaking her head to get out of her daze.

"Huh?" She says when she realizes he had spoken before.

"It's all a big joke," He repeats himself, the British accent more noticeable this time around. His head faced towards the funeral, having not spared a glance at her once this whole time.

She settles back into her seat, shifting her gaze to match his with the group of mourning people in the distance.

"Yeah." Y/N sighs in agreement.

The two of them sit in silence for a moment before Y/N decides to speak. Thinking to herself that if anyone would listen to her thoughts, a man who's also ditching the shitty eulogy would be her best bet.

"They all talk about her as if she was God." She chuckles humorlessly.

He scoffs with a small smirk, "Far from it."

Another wave of silence crashes over them, before Y/N breaks it once again.

"She would've hated this," She whispers, "People she barely even knows crying over her like they had any significance in her life. She probably only talked to five people here. She didn't even like her uncle." She laughs, referencing the man who gave the half-assed eulogy about how Phoebe being such an innocent, bright young girl.

"They're grieving her loss instead of celebrating her life, it's all fucked," He clears his throat before continuing, "Funerals are for the living."

"I hate funerals..." She says in reply.

Glancing at the boy beside her when she hears him digging through his jacket pocket, pulling out a flask. He takes a sip, and another, before gesturing it to her. Not overthinking it too much, she takes the cool metal bottle and takes a big gulp. Tasting the burn of vodka in her throat and mint from what she supposes is the mysterious strangers mouth.

Handing the flask back she says, "She would've wanted a party. Something where everyone was having fun in her honor, not some substandard funeral full of random people and careless words."

This time he's the one who chuckles humorlessly, "Yeah, she would've wanted everyone t'take shots and dress up in fancy clothes n' wreak havoc on this fucking town,"

Y/N smiles at this because Phoebe really would. Phoebe was the type of person who everyone wanted to be friends with, but also who everyone was scared of. She was mysterious and intimidating (a bit like the man next to her, Y/N thinks). Phoebe was a master at persuasion and could get almost anyone to go on crazy fucking adventures with her. One of Y/N's favorite memories with Phoebe was when they dressed up in wedding dresses they had gotten from a second-hand store and walked down the street yelling random things at strangers, taking turns drinking tequila from a metal water bottle.

"She really was something else, huh?" Y/N says a bit somberly, reminiscing on her late best friend.

"Definitely, a know-it-all," He laughs, bringing the flask up to his mouth.

"Oh, of course, she always thought she was right." She smirks.

"I mean, most of the time she was." He shrugs.

"Yeah, how did she always know everything?" The two of you laugh, taking turns drinking from the flask.

He shakes his head in disbelief, silence settling over the pair again.

"How did you know her?" He asks, still staring at the gathering of people in the distance.

"...She was my best friend," Y/N responds quietly, still staring out at the sunset.

He hums in return, "You?" She asks as she hands the flask over.

"Her cousin." His rough voice speaks out.

"You're Harry?" She says, less as a question and more in disbelief. Phoebe always mentioned her cousin Harry from England, always telling Y/N of stories they had together getting into reckless shit.

She turns her head to look at him just as he does, "And you're Y/N."

He offers a soft, knowing smile, both having heard countless stories of one another from Phoebe. He leans back and extends his arm on the top of the bench behind her, feeling the warmth of his body radiate off of him.

"I wonder what she'd say to me now. Sitting on a random gravestone in our hometown, drinking out of her cousin's flask, ditching what's supposed to be her remembrance." Y/N says, leaning back on the bench too.

"She would've said, 'quit y'crying, it's a sign of the times' and then would drag your arse t'the nearest pub." He laughs.

She joins in on the soft laughter, shaking her head because she knows that's exactly what she would've said. Phoebe was such a joy to be around, her presence unmatched.

"You know, she always talked about wanting to leave a legacy behind. Most of the time, I just laughed at her, thinking it was just another bizarre thing to come out of her mouth. But, she was always saying she wanted to be remembered as some enigma when she dies..." Y/N recalls the many memories of her and Phoebe staying up til 4am talking. Chills suddenly covering her body, not only from the cool Winter air but because of how Phoebe had talked about her death and now she's actually...dead.

She turns her head to look at Harry and he has a bittersweet smile on his face.

"I think she's accomplished that quite well, hasn't she?" He replies.

"How?" She questions softly with furrowed brows.

"Well, f'starters, her funeral is full of people who never even knew her, or frankly even cared about her, while two emotionless people just got up and stormed away from it t'drink vodka out of a flask on some random person's gravestone." He laughs before tacking on, "Trust me, the people over there are wondering who the hell she was and who she knew, right about now."

She turns her head from the (quite pretty, she thinks) boy to her left, looking at the wake, only to be met with a few people staring back at them.

"Well, I'll be damned," She scoffs. "Of course, the bitch did it." A smile bright on her face, probably the only real grin she's pulled since Phoebe's passing. Her best friends wishes coming true makes her heart warm just a tad, a relief to how cold losing her best friend made it.

"Always able t'make her life seem like an episode of Pretty Little Liars." He says shaking his head with a knowing smirk.

This comment makes Y/N laugh quite loudly, drawing a few — what she could only think were glares — back at her. Wiping a stray tear from her face that fell due to her laughing. The sweet sound coming from her lips only tacking on Harry to join her.

"Oh my god, she practically lived in an indie movie, always the role of the mysterious main character!" She chuckled out, creases forming at the corners of her eyes that Harry has taken a liking to.

As both of their laughter slowly dies out, another silence comes over them; only this time it's almost deafening. It's like the weight of the matter finally settled in.

Harry lets out a deep sigh, staring out at the never ending field of stone. Flowers accompany very few of the many graves; some wilted, some looking fresh, some long gone by now. Name placards littering the ground, all of these lost and forgotten people just decomposing underneath them. People coming and going to visit, only to be forgotten as time goes by, memories fading from their loved ones' mind. He wonders if he could ever forget Phoebe. No, I could never, he thinks to himself. He could never forget the only person that ever truly believed in him and embraced him for being himself.

Deciding he doesn't want to give anymore thought to the painful insight that one day he might forget Phoebe, he asks Y/N something instead.

"Y'wanna get out of here? M'starvin'."

The quiet girl next to him looks his way, his green eyes meeting her's that shine in the last few minutes of orange sunlight. Her eyes are so pretty, he tries to mentally shake that thought out of his head. He can't be hitting on his late cousin's best friend at her funeral, for fuck's sake.

Y/N only nods in response, gathering her bag and phone before standing from the bench. Harry towers over her when he gets up and the observation of how tall her his makes Y/N feel all giddy inside for some reason. Placing the flask back in his suit jacket pocket, he leads the way to a small restaurant nearby. She walks beside him the whole way there, the two of them just quietly observing everything around them.

***

The crisp, cool air passes through, goosebumps creeping up their arms as they sit in the outside seating of a small restaurant. Comfortable silence wraps them up and spits them out as their minds explore all the vast depths of their troubled minds, giving them time for their treacherous thoughts to eat at their sanity bit by bit.

"Phoebe told me once," Y/N cleared her throat, trying to get rid of the scratchy feeling from not using it. Harry's green eyes moved to her from his observance of the lonely street they're next to as she spoke softly. "She told me the only time she truly felt alive was when she made decisions that were reckless and spontaneous. She said living her life precariously was the only reason for her happiness, claiming that the perfect life is just an illusion. That dreaming of labor should not be the goal, but instead becoming your authentic self and living with no regrets..."

Harry stays quiet, reflection in his eyes as he stares at her from across the table, chewing the food in his mouth. Y/N plays around with the food on her plate with her fork and waits for his acknowledgment (although, she doesn't even know if he would say or do anything -- she doesn't know why she decided to tell him that)

"I mean, she's right, righ'? I never understood when people would ask what your 'dream job' is from a young age. No one's dream is t'work everyday 'til they die. They have to, t'make a living and survive, but what's the point in living if you aren't enjoyin' it. But, if y'workin' all the time, how do you make the time to really live?" He says, furrowing his brows as he talks.

Y/N takes in his words. The moonlight and street lamps casting a soft glow on his face, his carved features looking even more beautiful at night.

"Yeah... I guess, I guess I just envy how she viewed life, ya know?" She states, looking at the cars drive by as she tries to explain how she feels. "Always saying things to make you rethink your existence and purpose..." She looks back at Harry and whispers, "...She talked about life so much like she knew she was going to die."

"Well, we're all gonna die eventually." Harry rests his arms on the table with a quiet sigh, his features passive, but his mind is thinking of how he just wants to hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright.

"Yeah, but she just...she talked about it like she knew all the answers. She knew exactly what to say, when to say it. Sometimes, I feel like she was telling everyone around her how to live in complete happiness because she knew she didn't have much of her own, despite convincing everyone she was carefree and unbothered." Y/N shrugs and watches as they fall into a short silence.

"...I miss her." Harry breathes out after a moment, reaching his hand across the table to hold hers. Her skin is soft against his as he rubs his thumb against her hand in an attempt to comfort both of them.

Her eyes soaking in his softened expression, her cherry tinted lips whispering, "Me too."

They eat the rest of their dinner in silence, the only sounds reverberating from the road with the occasional car or pedestrian. Harry pays for the food, but not without many protests from Y/N.

As the two walk side by side down the street, back to the cemetery to pick up their cars, Y/N suddenly falls anxious. She doesn't want to be alone tonight, scared of being alone with her thoughts when she goes back to stay in her childhood home. Her parents, still living in the house they lived in since her youth, had to drive up to another town for a few nights to stay with her cousins because they planned to go there before the news broke about Phoebe. Leaving Y/N alone in the empty house since there wasn't room for her at her cousins.

The black cemetery gates coming into view, eeriness and gloom becoming more apparent when the sun is down, Y/N and Harry can see their two cars sitting idly on the side of the road. Y/N fidgets with her fingers as they grow close to departure.

"D-do you, maybe, wanna hang out for a little while longer?" She turns to face him, looking up at him nervously. "I just don't want to be alone right now." She rushes out when he doesn't respond.

"Yeah, I didn't really want t'go home alone right now either." He offers a sliver of a smile before unlocking his car, grabbing two brown paper bags that look to hold bottles, and gesturing his head, "C'mon, we'll pick up my car later. Let's go celebrate Pheebz, yeah?" He grins.

She smiles at him, unlocking her own car and waiting for him to get in, putting on a playlist full of Phoebe's favorite songs. She drives through her hometown, memories stirring up of her and her best friend smoking weed in the park the summer before graduation and jumping in the lake naked in the middle of winter. The two end up at her house sitting in her abandoned driveway, both unbuckling but neither making the move to get out of the parked car, the engine still running as they sit listening to the melodies playing from the speaker.

Harry suddenly pulls out two bottles from the brown paper bags at his feet, one of vodka and the other tequila.

"Pick y'poison." He says with a smirk.

She picks the vodka and Harry mutters, "Good choice, tequila is more m'speed."

"Weren't you drinking vodka at the funeral?" She laughs, unscrewing the cap.

"Yeah, figured I'd drink Phoebe's favorite since it was her party." He chuckles.

"To Phoebe." Y/N says, sorrow lacing her voice as she turns in her seat to face Harry.

"To living your life precariously." He says before the two of them take a big gulp of the sharp liquid, starting what will only be the beginning of a long night.

***

Light shines through the white curtains, the room glowing bright in the soft, yellow sunlight. The white comforter tangled up in bodies as birds chirp in the morning tranquility. Y/N's eyes flutter open, immediately feeling sweaty and clammy. The headache that sets in reminds her of the amount of alcohol she consumed last night. Waking up in her childhood bed after blacking out in the backseat of her car the night before doing very little for her sanity.

As she lays in bed, groggy, she needs to pee. She moves to get up and walk to the bathroom connected to her room, only to freeze when an arm wraps around her and pulls her closer. Warm breathes pant at the back of her neck, unintelligible murmurs coming from the person behind her. Her eyes widen, realizing Harry is the one she is snuggling with in the early morning (afternoon?) light. Despite needing to pee really badly, she finds herself only melting into his touch. She can't remember the last time someone held her like this, can't remember the last time she felt this content. In fact, she thinks the last time she cuddled with someone was with Phoebe when she slept over in her room at their apartment... Well, just Y/N's apartment now.

Y/N and Phoebe would have movie nights in Y/N's room and in the midst of the fun, they would grow tired. Phoebe would never want to leave the comfort of Y/N's warm bed, so she always asked, sleepover?, with a wide grin. To which Y/N never refused and the two would put on The Notebook and fall asleep spooning one another. The first time it happened, when they were children having sleepovers, she tensed a bit; thinking it weird for her friend to cuddle her because no one had ever done that. But, as the years went by and their friendship grew stronger, knowing that despite both of them being bisexual it wasn't an act of intimacy, but one of platonic comfort.

So, Y/N figured (in her touch deprived mind) that this was just an act of friendly, platonic intimacy...nothing else. After coming to that conclusion, she let herself relax into his touch, his warm embrace nodding her off to sleep once again.

What wakes her up the second time is the sound of a gravelly voice groaning. The arm around her waist squeezes tightly before the body it's attached to tenses up. Harry tries to take in the position they're in -- his arm snuggling her close to his bare chest and legs intertwined with hers -- but his hangover headache clouds his mind too much to think about it. Only registering that he's never felt this comfortable with someone before, never felt someone so warm and cozy. He's cuddled lots of girls (and guys), has spent many mornings waking up in someones hold or holding someone in his, but they've never been as addicting as her. Never being so relaxing, so soft. He's about to just say, fuck it, and fall back asleep as to spend as much time with her in his clutch, but Y/N had stirred awake from his groaning and she really has to pee!

She slowly turns in his arms, their legs shifting apart, and is met with probably the cutest sight she's ever seen. His eyes are glassy and the green of his irises shine in the soft light. His lips pink and his face holding a hesitant look, like he thinks she might yell at him for accidentally ending up in his arms throughout the night, but she can also sense the underlying feeling of content reading on his face. The way his eyes soften when they meet hers and the way his hand involuntarily squeezes at her side. The serene feeling almost tangible as her childhood room becomes their own little world. All the responsibilities and pain of the outside fall ceased at the door decorated with heights of a growing Y/N.

"G'morning," His gravelly voice going straight to her heart, melting it at the beautiful sound.

"Good morning," She says in a raspy whisper, her throat dry from the alcohol and singing at the top of her lungs the night before.

She takes the quiet moment to look at his body, her gaze drifting from tattoo to tattoo, not realizing how many he has. She knew he had some from the ones on his hands yesterday, but she didn't know he had so many. His long sleeve button up had covered the view of the ones adorning his arms, but she looks at them now in awe, thinking how pretty they are.

She's about to tell him how much she likes the butterfly tattoo on his chest, when her bladder has other plans.

"I'm sorry, but I really have to pee," She bashfully smiles as she looks at him.

"Oh, m'sorry. Probably should've told ya' I'm a cuddler." He gives a small smile with embarrassment soaking his words, thinking he's made her uncomfortable.

"No need to apologize," Her eyes light up at his out of character shyness, "I am too, I just really have to go to the bathroom." The harmonious sound of her giggles soothing every worry in Harry's body.

He playfully sighs, "Fine, I guess I'll let y'go piss."

A smirk pulls at his lips as she rolls her eyes and gets up, but he can see the corners of her lips turn up.

She goes to the bathroom, doing her business and washing her hands. She takes the time to brush her teeth and wash her face, cringing when she looks in the mirror. She feels gross that she looked like this when Harry woke up with the resemblance of an angel.

When she's finished, she walks out back into her room, excited to get back into the warm bed (and hopefully cuddle with Harry some more, but she would never admit that out loud), but she's met with abandoned sheets and panic consumes her. Did he leave? Did I make him uncomfortable by waking up in his arms? He was the one to cuddle me and he joked about it! But maybe he was just trying to be nice so he could escape? Her mind starts to race a mile a minute of anxious thoughts before they're all suddenly wiped away at the smell of coffee wafting in from the open doorway.

She throws on a sweatshirt and socks and makes her way down the stairs of the familiar, yet foreign after spending so long away from home, house. Her sock clad feet pad on the hardwood floors as she walks into the kitchen, spotting Harry silently staring at a spot on the wall with a cup of coffee in his hand (he's using the same pink and green mug with a little ceramic pig sitting on the top of the handle that Phoebe would use every time she'd sleepover in high school).

She walks in quietly, coming up behind him and grabbing a cup of coffee for herself, noticing the two pain killers next to the pot (which made her heart swell if she's honest). He had heard her coming down the stairs, but despite her presence his focus is still on the spot on the wall. Taking a sip of her pick-me-up and swallowing the pills, she takes up space next to Harry, following his eyes that stare intently at a picture frame hanging up and her eyes immediately soften.

"That was freshman year," Y/N spoke delicately, staring at the picture herself, "We had both been asked to prom by these senior guys. I was ecstatic because no one had ever shown any liking to me, but Phoebe had played it cool, of course." Harry lets out a quiet breathy laugh because of course Phoebe didn't care.

"We spent weeks planning out how prom night would be. Imagining how the senior parties would be like and if the boys would kiss us by the end of the night or not. She came over at 9am the morning of the dance and we spent all day getting ready and laughing with each other. She had even done my makeup all pretty and I helped her get into her dress. I remember I laughed when she decided she was going to wear converse under her dress, and she almost convinced me to do it too because she said 'you're not gonna be the one laughing when we're at all the after parties and your feet are killing you'." A genuine smile forms on Y/N's face as she reminisces on the cherished moment.

"But, two hours before the dance, our dates cancelled on us and told us they were going with these senior girls." Harry scoffs bitterly, understanding how cruel teenage boys are.

"I remember I was so upset because the one time I thought someone actually liked me or thought I was pretty enough to go to prom with, had just made me a second choice..." She recalls to Harry, who is now looking at the side of her face as she looks at the picture of Phoebe carrying Y/N on her back, piggy-back style, in long prom dresses, dirty white converse peaking out from under both girls' dresses.

"So, she grabbed me by the arms and looked me in the eyes and said 'Y/N L/N, we are deserving of the love we wish for. No senior boys are going to make us doubt that. We are not little freshmen girls who can be seen as cheap thrills and easy hookups. We are women, who demand respect and complete infatuation.' Then she took the tickets that the boys had pre-purchased for us, took my hand, and dragged me to that dance. We had been each other's date and made prom our bitch. She even got us into a party afterward...And we had one hell of a night."

She smiles fondly at the sweet memory. Harry's eyes flutter between the picture and the beautiful girl next to him. How could she ever think of herself as a second choice?, is all he can wonder to himself.

Letting his gaze fall to the picture one last time, he mumbles, "Well, those boys missed out on the best thing t'ever happen t'them."

He doesn't catch Y/N's blush that creeps up on her cheeks as he turns around, taking a sip from his little pig mug.

She shakes her head as to get out of the crushing haze she falls into, turning and walking to the countertop, leaning against it as Harry stands in front of her on the other side.

"Thank you. F'letting me stay the night, last night." He speaks up.

Y/N notices how he's still lacking a shirt, making her mouth dry up just a little at the sight of how fit he is. The tattoos stretching across his tan skin so perfectly, the black ink creating such a beautiful contrast on his body. He catches onto the not-so-subtle gawking and smirks.

"Uh, yeah. It's really no problem. There's no way I'd have let you drive home intoxicated and it was the least I could do after I made you practically spend the day with me." She blushes.

"Y'didn't make me," He shakes his head gently with a smile.

Y/N doesn't know to feel about how her cheeks heat up at his remark, shyly looking away as the teasing gleam in his eyes might make her combust.

"O-okay. Good to know." She squeaks out, the action only fueling Harry's ego and playful mood.

"I should go get m'car from the cemetery before it gets towed," He says almost disappointedly, like he doesn't want to leave yet. If she's being honest, she doesn't want him to leave yet either.

"Yeah, that wouldn't be good. I'll give you a ride." She says, shaking off the saddened feeling of his departure.

"Oh, you don't have t'do tha'." He shakes his head but Y/N quickly shoots him down.

"Nonsense, I'll take you. It's no big deal."

He smiles at her objection, nodding, and going upstairs to grab the rest of his clothes, feeling uncomfortable in his dress pants from the funeral that he had put back on when he got up this morning, not wanting to make Y/N feel weird by staying in only his boxers.

***

Vodka Lover: hey... are you up?

She chews on the skin around her thumb, a nervous habit that Phoebe had always teased her about, as she sends the text to Harry (having exchanged numbers when she had dropped him off at his car at the cemetery). Phoebe had always said, 'You're not gonna have any thumb left to chew, babes, if you keep at it'. To which Y/N just rolled her eyes, but in the deafening silence of 4am, she wishes she cherished those moments with her best friend more. Wishing she didn't take for granted in those little encounters of Phoebe's care and concern with her well-being. Y/N would give anything to be able to spend one more minute with her.

Butterfly Boy: yeah, everything okay?

Vodka Lover: um, can i call you?

Suddenly, breaking the bitter quiet with a ringtone, her phone she holds in her palm lights up with Harry's contact. A tear falls from her face onto the screen and she has to wipe it away before she presses accept.

"Y/N?" Harry's deep voice rings out, laced in worry, from the other line.

She chokes out a sob, not being able to hold it back anymore. The floodgate of her emotions she has been trying to keep at bay suddenly burst. Salty tears fall onto the blue fluffy blanket from her senior year she's wrapped up in.

"Hey, hey, s'everythin' okay? What's wrong?" Harry says, more alert now that he hears her in such a fragile and frantic state.

Y/N just cries harder, desperately trying to catch her breath, she feels like she's suffocating.

"Hey, love, just breathe. Just breathe, Y/N." He tries to coax her down in a soothing voice.

A raggedy breath is heard on Harry's side, making the worry dissipate just a little now that he knows she's breathing. Harry sits up in his bed, calling out to Y/N, repeatedly telling her to just keep breathing. He can't get to what's wrong if she hyperventilates.

He was laying restless in his bed when she had texted, lost in thoughts of life and replaying memories with his cousin. Trying to grasp everything she's ever told him before, hoping that by watching the moments he spent with her like a film reel in his mind would help him not forget them.

"Love, can y'tell me what's got you so upset? Please," He asks softly when she calms down enough where her breathing is regular and not sporadic inhales gasping for air.

"I-I-I miss her," She cries out into the phone, the thought of embarrassing herself by breaking down to Harry not on her mind; the only thought she has is how empty she feels.

"I know, I know, love. I miss her, too," He sighs out sadly, wishing he could take away her pain, hating the way her voice quivers with every word. "Do you want t'talk about it?"

She wipes the tears that sting her eyes and cascade down her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. The one she wore when Harry slept over, smelling a little like him still from the car ride to his car that day, three days ago.

They had been texting each other and talking every day since then, usually about light topics like asking how their day's were or what they were doing. However, tonight (or early morning), everything felt like it was crashing down on her. Y/N's strong front she had put up since the funeral for Phoebe's family finally collapsed, and she's found herself stuck under the rubble. She was trying so hard to keep it in because she shouldn't be feeling sorry for herself when someone's kid is dead.

She had bored herself to tears, not knowing what to do. The only thing that seemed right was to call Harry.

"Talk to me, babe." He begs her, running a hand through his disheveled curls.

"I-" She sniffles, "I feel like I'm fucking drowning,"

He hates how defeated her voice sounds and he wishes he could just be there to hug her and tell her everything's going to be okay, eventually.

"It-it feels like my whole life is in ruins. Harry, I miss her." Her face scrunches up again as she starts to sob, "Sh-She was my best friend, I d-did everything with her. How am I s-supposed to do this without her? How am I supposed t-to live without her?"

"Oh, darling. I know, but you will..and you can." He frowns, racking his brain for the right thing to tell her, "You got t'live so you can experience all those ways of life she always talked about. Y'haven't experienced all those feelings Pheebz would mention when she would live her life precariously. Don't y'want to know how she felt when she would talk of such a beautiful life she lived, yeah?"

He hears a hiccup and a quiet, albeit breathy, yeah, from the other side of the call.

"You are so strong, Y/N. I don't know how y'made it this far without breaking down..." He tells her whole-heartedly.

"D-don't know how you haven't either," She gets out, realizing how selfish she's probably being, bothering Harry with her grief when he has his own to deal with.

"Honestly," He breathes out through a somber smile, "The only reason I haven't is because I have you, love."

Y/N's heart swells tenfold, she thinks. She didn't realize Harry needed her just as much as she needed him.

"...I'm sorry for calling you, I know it's late." She says through sniffles when she notices the time.

"There's no reason to apologize. It's okay, love. It's okay to hurt or be angry or upset. No one expects you to be perfect all the time." He pauses, listening to her breathing.

"Ya know, one day, it won't hurt this much. One day, you'll be able t'look back at this moment and it won't break y'heart as much as it does now. You're just in the thick of it right now, pretty girl. But, the light's coming soon, I promise." He continues and Y/N feels her heart beat faster at the pet name.

"You promise?" Her voice barely above a whisper and Harry thinks his heart just broke at the sound.

"Promise." He says, wiping the stray tears rolling down his cheeks, "Phoebe wouldn't want y'to be this upset. She would want you to keep living your life and find out the ways to how she was so in love with it. If not for yourself, love, then for her...F'me."

She nods, despite knowing he can't see. Silence falls over the pair, only the sound of bated breaths assuring the other one is there.

"One summer," He speaks up, "One summer, my family had come t'visit them, partly because of the lake near her house. It was after we had moved t'the States from Cheshire, and Phoebe and I would go walk to the little pond near the park,"

"The one near Hope?" She asks quietly if they had gone to the park she had always played at as a little girl.

"Mhm. We would walk there in the blistering sun and when we got there she tried to convince me how fairies were real." He said in a calm voice.

He hears an airy puff of breath escape her mouth, which he takes as a small giggle -- making him want to continue his story as it's helping her cheer up, and because he'd probably do anything to hear her that sound from her.

"Yeah, fairies. She told me that they live at the pond and t'see them, I would have to find a pretty flower and then jump in the water with it in only m'underwear." He breathes out a laugh.

Y/N gasps, trying to keep quiet but fails when she lets out a loud laugh.

"Oh my, did you do it?" She asks bewildered, laying down so her head rests against the pillow.

"So, I told Phoebe 'no way', yeah? But, then she said she can't just tell me about them and not follow through with seeing them. Convinced me that it would bring bad luck." He scoffs, remembering the memory vividly.

"Bad luck, indeed." She giggles and it brings the dimple out on Harry's face.

"Yeah, so of course, me being like 8 or sum', I stripped down to m'pants in the middle of the day and jumped in the water." He smiles when he hears her laughing, even if it's at his expense. "Y'laughing, but I think I got ringworm after tha'!"

"I can't believe she got you to do that! I wish I'd been there." Y/N says, out of breath from laughing.

"Scarred me of ponds for the rest of m'life." He chuckles and a pause takes them both over as they settle back down.

"...Thank you, H." She whispers into the phone, adoration taking up all her features.

“F’what?”

“For being you, for being here. Just...Thank you.” She sighs.

They get lost in recalling stories of their loved one for the rest of the night, repainting her memories in gold. They laugh with each other until all the pain seems to disappear. The weight, of what felt like the world, lifting off of both their shoulders. Finally being able to breathe after days of endless battles of trying to stay strong for Phoebe's sake.

***

Days pass since the lonely 4am phone call and Y/N and Harry are still talking everyday.

She finds out he lives in her city, only a few blocks from her apartment she shared with Phoebe! She didn't believe him when he first told her, but he said he was always busy with college whenever Phoebe tried to meet up. Y/N's not going to lie, her heart picked up when she found out he'd be so close to her, wondering if he'd want to hang out with her when they leave her hometown.

Almost everyday of the last few days they have visiting, they've spent at Y/N's empty childhood home. Harry asking her to explain pictures and what she was like in high school, whenever he gets the chance. In turn, she's been picking his mind on what Holmes Chapel was like and how his family was growing up. She found out that he lived with his sister, Gemma, and his mom, Anne. They talked about everything, from their favorite things to every pet they've ever had (Y/N, particularly, falling in love with the pictures of his cat, Evie).

Just as the last few days have been spent, they are spending Y/N's last day in her hometown together before she goes back. Harry told her he had to stay a couple more nights with his family before he could leave, assuring her he would've gone back with her if he could've. That comment made her blush and she had to pray the butterflies growing in her tummy to relax.

That's another thing. Y/N had stopped lying to herself and denying the ache in her chest that would form when she was away from Harry, growing very fond of him since their first encounter at the headstone bench.

Harry, also, couldn't deny any longer the way his heart would flutter at every little thing she did. Just wondering to himself how everything about her was just so pretty. He loved the way her eyes would light up every time she saw him and how he would catch her checking him out whenever he took off his shirt.

He especially loved the way she let him sleepover a few times and how they would end up cuddling into the late hours of the morning. Both parties not minding one bit, the comfort and warmth actually preferred than sending Harry home to sleep in his own bed.

"Bet I can reach that branch right there," Harry shouts with a gleeful tone, a bit out of breath as he tries to stretch his legs far enough so his shoe brushes against the leaf on the end of the tree branch.

The two of them decided to go to Hope park, where they both held fond childhood memories at. They settled at the swingset, calm swaying in the seats quickly turning into a competition of who could swing the highest. Harry won of course, his legs being much longer than hers giving him the advantage. Playful giggles and sweet conversations of things occurring in that moment help distract them from both Phoebe and the fact that Y/N is leaving.

Y/N is distracting herself from worrying about if Harry will reach out to her when they get back to the city, if he even wants to talk to her again after this weekend or if this was all just out of politeness.

Harry, on the other hand, is distracting himself from wondering if she fancies him. He wonders if the cuddles and small touches meant as much to her as they did him, if after this weekend she would want to hang out again or if she was just being nice because he knows what she's going through.

"Bet I can reach it before you!" She giggles as her hair whips around in the wind she's created. Pumping her legs back and forth, desperately trying to get higher so she can beat Harry in her made up competition.

"Now, love, not everything has to be a competition," He huffs, really reaching out this time, "But, I wanna win, if we're playing a game, I wanna win." He grins, the cute dimple that Y/N has fallen for making an appearance on his face.

The two try their hardest to be the first ones to touch the tree branch hanging not too far from their swinging feet at their highest point. Harry, however, attempts a little too hard and flies off the swing when he lifted up his leg to make the two inch gap he was short of.

Tumbling to the woodchip covered ground, he ends up laying on his back. Groans spill out of his mouth and Y/N's eyes go wide with concern. She slows herself down just enough to safely jump off the swingset, rushing to Harry's side.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" She asks worriedly, trying to hold back the laugh that's trying to bust out. Crouching down to him, she runs her hand over his arm that's grabbing his leg.

He rubs his knee with a pained smile, "Yeah, just peachy, pet."

"Is anything hurting? Bruised?" She questions with a loving smile.

"Just my ego," He chuckles, looking up at her and admiring her caring nature.

She can't hold it in anymore, she laughs loudly at his comment, her carefree happiness making Harry's ears perk up and his heart warm.

"Yeah, love, just laugh at the crippled man." He jokes, smiling up at her happy face, wishing it could stay that way forever.

She lets out another laugh at his comment, delicately grabbing his arm to help him up, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It wasn't funny," She attempts to calm herself but fails, "Okay, it was a little bit funny!"

Giggles fall out of her mouth as Harry brushes off the mulch from his jeans, "See how much you're laughing when I push you out of the swing."

"I'm soo scared." She mocks fear.

"Oh, just wait, pet. You'll never be safe on another swing set again." He playfully grabs her sides to tickle her, but her fighting his tries just ends up bringing her closer in his hold.

Their laughs quickly die out when they realize he's holding her in his clutch, his hands at her waist, hers around his neck. Harry stares into her eyes as she stares back into his. The empty park is serene, no other noises besides the chirping of birds and the sounds of other animals sprawling about. The sweet moment causes Y/N's breath to hitch and her palms to sweat. They've only been this close when cuddling, she's never been this close to his face before. His features glow in the sunlight, his green irises complimenting the bounce of his skin and dark eyelashes. Her skin is soft and warm against his, and he just wants to lean in and-

Y/N's eyes flutter close as Harry's face comes closer, his lips meet hers in a gentle caress. With the sweet kiss, he takes note of how soft her lips are, how warm and fuzzy her intimate touch is making his head. While one hand is squeezing at her side, the other is brought up to cradle her face and she leans into his touch. Harry sucks on her bottom lip before peeling away so they can catch their breath.

Y/N lets out a whine at the loss of contact, her bottom lip jutting out as he pulls away.

"What are y'pouting for, pet? W-was that not okay? Should I not have done tha'?" The blood almost drains from his face at the pouty look on her beautiful face.

She shakes her head at him, "No, I liked it. I want more," She pants, pulling him by the collar of his shirt to bring him back to her lips.

He chuckles at her cute antics (and in relief of not fucking up his shot with her). He smiles against her lips as he melts back into her, her hand around his neck reaching up to tangle in his curly hair. He groans when her nimble fingers pull tenderly at the curls at the base of his neck, causing him to squeeze her side gently.

She breathlessly kissed him, slotting her lips between his and immediately opening her mouth in acceptance when he brushes his tongue against her bottom lip in a silent ask to take it further. As the kiss deepens, the need for air increases. They naturally separate, Harry sucking her bottom lip as he goes until it pops back.

Taking in her reddened swollen lips and her pretty flushed face, he presses one last chaste kiss on her lips, and one to her cheek and her nose.

A big, genuine grin adorns Y/N's face as she stares up at the man in front of her.

"Thank you f'letting me do tha'." He says with a gravelly voice.

"I've been thinking about you doing that since the first night you stayed at my house." She tells him bashfully.

"Me too, love. And it was better than I ever expected," He says whole-heartedly, leaning in to press one more quick kiss to her lips again.

"So, does this mean we're gonna hang out when we both go back home? Because I really want to do that again." Her glassy eyes blink at him with hope awaiting his answer.

He smiles and shakes his head, bewildered at how she could ever think that he could just ghost her after that, "I think Phoebe would come back just to slap me upside the head if I ever kissed her best friend and just never saw her again."

She chuckles at his comment, shyly looking down to her hand on his chest when he doesn't say anything else.

"Of course, I want to hang out when we get back. I want to take y'out on a real date, if you'd let me." He looks at her all starry eyed, squeezing her waist.

"I think Phoebe would come back and slap me upside the head if I ever kissed her cousin and just never saw him again," This time he's the one that laughs.

"I'd love that very much, Harry." She beams up at him.

Going back home couldn't come sooner to the both of them.

******************

ahhh i hope y’all liked that, i’d love feedback :) i’m thinking of making a series out of it, but only if that’s something y’all would like! so, pls let me know if you enjoyed it or if i should make a part 2 ??

anyways, stay safe and much love <3

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thevirgodoll · 4 years ago

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hi! i was wondering if you have any tips to stay organized and stay on task? i’ve been doing a short online course this year and have really struggled to ACTUALLY bring myself to do the work, as assignments and lessons are not under any time constraints i just don’t do it. i also have adhd so get bored or distracted easily. do you have any tips for me?

This is really close to me because I also have ADHD. I have both inattentive and hyperactive type. *As a result, this academic tip guide will be a guide for people with ADHD and not neurotypical people, without disability. There is a difference.*

I am doing online as well this semester.

1. I create a schedule. If I do not create a schedule, I will be unproductive the entire day. So, what will help you is to do things in orderly fashion.

For example, at 12p - I will do this assignment/watch this lecture. You have to dictate what time you’re doing everything. Then, you also have to block out technology distractions while you are working.

-> Even if you’ve gotten halfway through the day with no schedule, write down or block off times on your digital calendar for what you are going to do at each time. ADHD is easier to tackle if you break things down into smaller tasks.

*Pro tip that I almost forgot: before you do anything, wear your day clothes. Don’t wear pajamas. Actually getting dressed or even doing hair/makeup changes things.

2. Download the Forest app after you have created your schedule. I consistently recommend this because it works in increasing productivity. It allows you to set it for however long you’re doing this task, say 30 minutes.

-> Why?: It will block all apps on your phone for (insert time here) to plant a tree, and if you leave the app your “tree” will die. Eventually, the more sessions you do, the more points you will gain to plant different plants, and eventually plant real trees around the world.

3. Have a list (& a planner) as well. Not only is the schedule creating structure, but the list creates even more structure so you know what you need to get done for the day. It also helps you not fall victim to the classic symptom of forgetting. Each day, you should write down what you WANT to get done and create your own times to look at lecture and assignments. Have goals for the day.

For example: complete assignment 2.

If you do not have expectations with yourself before the day begins, your ADHD will kind of take over and do something else. I have structure to my day. I set a timer to wake up at the same time. I take my ADHD medicine 90 minutes before my final wake up time, and I do my morning routine once it kicks in. Having the same routine helps.

-> Focus on your goals. Don’t be super harsh about the times.

-> Don’t overwhelm with how many things on to do list. Again, break it up into small tasks. For example, one part being: Wash dishes or fold laundry. It makes it less overwhelming to your brain and gives you a choice of which task. Typical non ADHD people just tell you to prioritize tasks but that doesn’t work for us. Do it in a random order and it gets the job done.

4. TAKE BREAKS! The other side to this is making sure that you give yourself adequate breaks.

*For hyperfocus, wait til your hyperfocus has started to wear off. Use it to your advantage for peak productivity. It is no joke.*

-> The misconception is that some people with ADHD are lazy and as a result, some ADHDers won’t take breaks. You can take a break. Healthy, long breaks do more for you long term.

-> Have a timer set. For example, after a 45 minute session or an hour session, I will take a break to do another task that has nothing to do with studying, like laundry, eating a snack, or stretching. Then after that task is done, I will go back to studying.

5. Have a workspace. Only do work at this space. I do schoolwork at my living room table and it is perfect. I do not study in my room because that is my sanctuary for relaxation and rest, not productivity. Make an effort to make the workspace clean, with your supplies - laptop, notebooks, pens, etc - readily available.

-> Once I get to my workspace, everything for the morning is already done. I’ve done my morning routine, so all there is left to do is hydrate while I study.

6. Recognize if you have adequate energy to do the task. Sometimes, with ADHD you may neglect your needs. If you are not getting enough rest, here are some tips:

•Bed should be for rest only.

•Blackout curtains

•Lavender essential oil, I have a diffuser but you can also put it on your pillow

•Background noise: pick what you want, lo fi music, rain sounds, binaural beats, singing bowls

•If all else fails, ADHD is often comorbid with other illnesses, meaning you could have a form of depression causing insomnia for example. This should be considered if you are having long term issues and symptoms.

7. Don’t overdo it. We are not neurotypical. Executive dysfunction is real - meaning our brains actually shut down when it perceives a task to be mundane.

-> You do not have to fit everything into one schedule for the sake of being “productive”. Each day should be what you know you can do, and there are different days to tackle different goals.

-> When you feel like you cannot continue, which is literally a symptom of ADHD, sit still for a few minutes.

8. Have a “What I Did Today” List. Because of how ADHD actually makes us feel, we don’t realize how much work we have put in. ADHD actually can be explained easily, we have about 2 dopamine workers showing up to work while most people are at maximum capacity. We are working overtime to do our best, even on medicine. So, acknowledging what we did today is good and encouraging, or at least reflecting in a journal.

9. Play music. It’s recommended to play study music without words because with ADHD we will submerge ourselves into the playlist of nostalgic 90s R&B. I recommend lo fi hip hop on YouTube, video game instrumentals, classical music, or jazz instrumentals. Whatever gets you going just do it!

General ADHD tips:

��Rewrite lecture notes and type the lecture notes.

•Color code with bright colors and pretty drawings or calligraphy

•Instead of telling yourself “I need to take notes” which usually leads to procrastination say “Rewrite lecture notes and emphasize main points” ... this is useful in your to do list but in everyday goals

•Generally try to get your assignments done ahead of time if there is structure to certain courses, if not, again, stick to the schedule. If you slip one day off your schedule then don’t beat yourself up. Breathe!!!

•Side effect of most ADHD meds is that you’re not hungry so buy easy things to eat like muscle milk or yogurt and granola or smoothies so you can sustain yourself

•Get a dry erase board to show what you need to do for the day and put it on the fridge with command strips

•To avoid forgetting things, put them at a table near the door where you leave your apartment/dorm/house.

•Don’t overthink the time it takes to get ready, often that’s why ADHDers are late. Better to be super early than late though - have a routine set so you know how long each task takes - for example “I know a shower takes me 15 mins, washing my face takes 60 seconds and a few more including sunscreen/moisturizer, etc...”

•In that same grain, set timers for going to the bathroom, showering, etc just in case you one day hyperfocus and push yourself too far

•Open the blinds!!!!

•Clean your room and tidy up your space. A cluttered space impacts your mental health in a really negative way. Your space reflects your mental state at times as well, so check in with yourself. Have a specific day where you know you’re going to clean, but ADHD sometimes gives us bursts of cleaning so take advantage of that as well.

•Anytime your water bottle empties refill it. Have your water bottle or mason jar next to your workspace, and drink 5-10 gulps. Seriously. ADHD depends a lot on hydration, especially if you are on medicine which naturally dehydrates you. If you do not stay hydrated, you’ll get that massive headache mid day and crash sooner. A lot of times, lack of productivity can be due to not drinking enough water.

•If you don’t take medication, then sometimes you may notice you love coffee, and that’s because it’s a stimulant. Too much of anything is not good, but balance it with water. If you’re going to use coffee to kinda “medicate” then do it close to when you’re going to be productive.

•Setting yourself up to do a task rather than envisioning the overwhelming act of doing the entire action. “Okay, lets just get up and get the first step down, such as opening the laptop or wetting the toothbrush.” Baby steps.

•Take advantage of accommodations! Your college more than likely has an Office of Disability Services. Also, email your professors...they’re actually just as stressed as you about classes being online.

•Remember that you’re already trying as hard as you can, so don’t listen to the narrative of “try harder”, “you’re *r word*”, “you’re cheating by using medication”, “just do it,” “it’s easy,” “what’s so hard about it?” or “you’re lazy”. Anyone telling you that, even yourself, is wrong. And DO NOT allow anyone to be ableist, even yourself.

•Validate yourself. Don’t let anyone to do the “I experience that too”/“I know what you mean”/“we ALL have trouble with this!” and they don’t have ADHD. No. It’s our experience, it’s valid, and unlike anything on the planet. If you’re reading this and you don’t have ADHD - no, you do not experience any of the things in my next bullet point.

•Don’t be hard on yourself if you stumble along the way getting this right. ADHD completely changes your executive functioning.

We see the task, but our brain blocks it.

We have something marked down as “important” but our brain tosses it out in the “trash”.

We watch an entire episode of a show, but our brain ignored the entire thing. Our brain picks and chooses what is stimulating, our brain changes our interests.

We have sensory overload, we have no dopamine, we have bursts of curiosity that cannot be contained (often inconvenient) and if interrupted, our brains cannot take it.

People often discount how many things ADHD actually changes because it’s widely misunderstood. I want to take the time to acknowledge that ADHD, formerly known as simply ADD, has different types: primarily inattentive, primarily hyperactive-impulsive, or combined which is what I have. So it’s not “hyper” and “relatable”. It is also not a buzzword to use to describe things. I must put stereotypes and misrepresentations of ADHD to rest.

It impacts us emotionally as well, which most people don’t know... such as rejection dysphoria — extreme sensitivity to being criticized to where our brains self destruct. Our brains don’t regulate emotions well.

ADHDers - do not fall victim to how everyone else operates and call yourself a failure. We have to work twice as hard and the results actually come out brilliant especially with our determination and imaginative ideas that are also seen in autistic individuals, honorable mention!

There’s good days and bad days. There’s literal changes in thinking that other people do not experience. We all collectively know wouldn’t be who we are without ADHD, but we all recognize the challenges. However, it makes me happy to see messages like this so that I can make a difference and hopefully help one person with ADHD, especially of color, at a time stop being so hard on themselves. 💗

#answered #mental health #adhd #actuallyadhd #studyblr #save

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lauwrite1225 · 4 years ago

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Somebody to die for.

Finan x OC; The Old Guard inspired Alternative Universe

Summary : Victoria's life is rather simple until she has a car accident from which she ends up miraculously unscathed. A series of weird events animates her daily life, everything seemingly bringing her to a strange man. Until this very man knocks at her door.

Spotify Playlist • Masterlist

A/N : And there it is, the first chapter of this fic I have been working on for a few weeks now! I'll post every Friday! A very BIG thank you too @maggiescarborough for all her precious help and thanks to whom this is story is way better than originally ahah!

Warnings : mention of blood and death

Chapter 1 : I'm fallin' so I'm takin' my time on my ride

“Vicky you shouldn’t drive home so late.”

Victoria sighs as she climbs down the few stairs from her parents’ house down to the garden, her mother following her close. It’s dark and the motion detector activates the outdoor light, making the little path leading to where she parked her car more visible.

“Stay for the night at least, you can leave early.” Her mother insists, arms crossed upon her chest to protect herself from the cold.

“I can’t mom.” She unlocks her car, throwing her bag on the passenger seat before turning around and leaning against the door. “I have to open the shop tomorrow and I don’t want to be late if there’s too many people on the road.”

“That’s not safe, Vicky.”

“Come on, mom, it’s not the first time I’m driving during the night.” She exhales, sitting in the car and starting it. “I’ll text you when I’m home.” She smiles, ignoring her mother’s eye roll and closing the door.

She slowly drives away from her parents' house, an old house lost in the middle of Essex. Her mother wasn't wrong about the risk of driving during the night on country roads, but Vicky took this road so many times, she's not really worried. She turns on the radio and turns the sound up when she recognizes the melody of Ride by Twenty one Pilots. Her fingers tap the steering wheel in rhythm with the drum, her head nodding regularly. She knows that song by heart and can't resist singing the lyrics as she drives in the direction of London.

After half an hour of driving, a heavy rain is now falling, Vicky starts to regret not having listened to her mother. She woke up early this morning to be in time for the family lunch her parents have been harassing her about for a month. She yawns, her hand passing through her blond hair as she drives on a small quite deserted road. She tries to turn up the music louder to not fall asleep, but inevitably, her head starts to nod and her eyelids grow heavier. She closes her eyes, just one second, but when she opens them again, she’s blinded by the headlights of another car in front of her. Panicked, she hits the brake with all her strength, a slew of insults escaping her lips. The person in the vehicle in front seems to do the same and swerves. But inevitably, the two cars meet and the shock makes Vicky’s head hit the steering wheel violently.

For a long moment, it’s just darkness and silence and Victoria finds it awkwardly peaceful. She feels weak and out of her body, the strangest feeling she has ever felt. She can’t tell how long she’s been that way but suddenly it vanishes. She’s overwhelmed by all her senses who awaken at the same time. She panics, the feeling of her heart beating resounding in her whole body and the air painfully filling her lungs. She abruptly opens her eyes, straightening until the back of her head hits the car seat.

It takes her a few minutes to calm her breath and to realize where she is, morning’s light blinding her. She’s still in her car, the windshield broken in a million pieces dispersed everywhere. She quickly notices the blood on the steering wheel and her clothes and immediately she brings her fingers to her forehead and indeed she finds fresh blood, but no wound. It should have reassured her, however it horrifies her. She tries to open the door and has to force it to finally leave the car. In the process, she falls on the floor and crawls to move away from the vehicle. The sleeves of her shirt are torn and stained with blood, but again, she’s perfectly healthy. Her confusion makes her sick and she leans on a side to throw up, her whole body shaking with a long thrill.

Once her stomach is emptied she starts to look around her, now that there’s daylight she is able to see the fields that expand as far as the eye can see. She’s alone on this road, with her car with smoke coming out of the hood and absolutely no sign of the other vehicle. She stands on her feet, her legs shaking, and walks a little further to see if there’s anyone.

“They fucking left me alone.” She grumbles as she realizes she really was utterly alone.

She walks back to her car and grabs her bag and jacket before searching her phone. When she finally has a hand on it, she sighs of relief. Though it doesn’t last long as she discovers how the screen is cracked.

“New car and new phone it is, then.” Victoria speaks to herself, more to try to stay calm than anything. Fortunately, it’s still working but she realises right after that there's no signal. “Obviously.”

She looks around her one last time before facing the facts, she has to walk back home. She fills her bag with the important papers stacked in her car before walking away. After a quarter hour of walking, she starts to recognize where she is and estimates she should arrive in a village in another quarter hour. This time alone gives her the occasion to try to understand what happened last night. She obviously got into a car accident and the other person involved let her on her own, didn't even try to search for help, it is morning now, in six hours at least, if they left to find help, they should have already been back. No, they left her on her own as if she was dead.

Victoria stops, the thought troubling her. She can't explain what she felt after the accident, she has already fainted a few times in her life, and it has never been like this before. But what is even more troubling, is that she's perfectly healthy, not even a scratch despite the blood she found on her clothes and in the car. Nothing is making sense.

She covers her face with both of her hands, then rubs her eyes as waking up from a bad dream. But she's still in the middle of a road, in the middle of nowhere.

“What the hell?!” She shouts, frustrated by so much incomprehension.

She continues to walk, she wipes the blood from her face before she reaches the village and puts her jacket on to hide the state of her clothes. She has no idea of what happened and she definitely doesn't want to have to explain it to anyone. She finishes her way home with public transports, and it's past midday when she arrives in London. She gets a few messages, from her boss and even more from her mother. She sends excuses to her boss with a lie and another lie to her mother, saying she fell asleep and forgot to text her before.

Once she's in her small flat, she rushes to the shower after throwing her clothes in the washer. She stays at least an hour under the water, her mind playing the past events over and over until she's upset again. When she steps out of the shower, she’s starving. So she grabs the first thing she finds in her fridge, which happens to be the leftovers of her lunch from two days ago. She tries to remain distracted, turning on the TV and starting an episode of Game of Thrones, her best friend Rebecca has been harassing for a month to start watching the show. And for a brief hour, she’s captivated by the Battle of Bastards, and by how good looking Kit Harrington is in armor.

The rest of the day is uneventful and when Rebecca visits her later in the afternoon Victoria hesitates to talk to her about her accident. But she’s pretty sure she’d simply think her completely crazy.

“Are you alright, Vicky?” Rebecca eventually asks when she hands her a cup of tea.

Victoria smiles kindly. “Yes.” She’s not used to lying to her best friend. They have known each other since middle school and she could count the number of times she lied to her on one hand, one being for her surprise birthday for her 18th birthday. “Why are you asking?”

She sits next to her friend on the couch, bringing her own cup of tea to her lips to blow on it. “I don’t know you’re very silent. And you said you weren’t feeling good this morning.”

“Oh… Well it was nothing, just felt nauseous.”

Rebecca narrows her dark eyes but doesn't push further. “How were your parents?” She asks, changing the subject, much to Vicky's pleasure.

“They were fine.” She takes a long sip of her tea. “They wondered if you'd like to come for dinner one day.”

Rebecca grins, her parents have always been pretty fond of her, even proposing her to join family events. It never bothered Victoria who was happy to have a friend with her. “Of course, I'll come. I just need a date.”

“I'll text you.”

Rebecca leaves after dinner and as soon as the door is closed Vicky falls into her bed, exhausted. She doesn't have time to overthink as usually when she tries to find sleep, she finds Morpheus' arms the moment she closes her eyes. But her sleep is far from being peaceful, her dreams bringing her sometime in the Middle Age, judging by the clothes of the men surrounding her. She's in the middle of a fight opposing warriors with long hair and tattooed faces and others with more modest appearance, only a fire alighting the area. She looks around her, trying to understand the scene, but her vision is almost constantly brought back to one of the warriors. It's a tall man, wearing leather armor above a greenish tunic, with dark hair and beard. He is using his sword with such ability, his movements swift and precise, Vicky can't help but be impressed. From the corner of her eyes she can see men falling and how trees seem to delimit a clearing. She looks up to the sky and can see the stars shining in the sky, never before she has seen them so clearly. Then, a sound catches her attention and she's staring at the warrior again. He is not fighting anymore, frozen and his face twisting into a grimace. She looks down to his abdomen in sync with him and she gasps as she sees the sword coming out of his belly. And it's like she can feel all his pain as the sword leaves his body, her guts tearing apart. The man coughs blood, falling on his knees, his hands pressed on the gaping hole in his abdomen. He finishes his fall, head first in the mud and Victoria can feel the life leaving his body as the man takes his last breaths, his brown eyes looking into the void.

Victoria wakes up abruptly, sweating and panting. She presses a hand on her chest, desperately trying to calm her breath. Once she's calmed she pours herself a cup of water, still haunted by the sensation of her dream or maybe nightmare. She doesn't find sleep after that, so she just lies on her couch, watching TV, until morning comes and the hour she has to leave for work.

It's only the first night of a dozen as sleepless. Most of the time, she finds herself in the Middle Age, in various places, some faces regularly appearing. Sometimes she's in other periods, even in modern days. But the common point to all her dreams is this man. Each time she can see him more clearly, his thick hair is most of the time cut short around his ears, a scar slashing his forehead while two small others are ornamenting his left cheekbone. One day, she decides to draw him, she spends the afternoon on it, but she's determined to make it as realistic as possible. As the lines darken the paper, she realizes how the man reminds her of someone. She sends the drawing to Rebecca without much explanation and she immediately replies to her that he reminds her of the guy from the conspiracy theory video they watched one late night.

Victoria takes the time to search the video in her browser history, and indeed, Rebecca was right. The man is the spitting portrait of the one called the “time traveler”. She watches the video with probably much more interest than the first time, desperate to understand why he is haunting her nights. That's clearly the least credible story she has ever heard: a man, the same man, captured in pictures at different places and at different periods of time. A guy talented with photoshop could perfectly create this whole theory. She sighs, closing her laptop and just comes to the conclusion that her brain registered the man's face when she watched the video with Rebecca and simply has a fixation on it since.

Curious to know the origins of the other faces she can see in her dreams, she draws them as well and she finds herself with three other men. The younger looking is blond with a bowl cut, a long face and an endearing smile. The two others look much more like warriors, one has long hair tied and shaved on the sides, his eyes a piercing blue, the other has different colour eyes and a tattoo covering the side of his neck. Once again, she sends her drawings to Rebecca but this time she has no idea of where she could have seen them.

Days pass, the dreams don't fade but Victoria forgets about her accident and all the strange things that happened, until the police call her. Obviously, her car had to be found as she didn't call anyone to take care of it, she just wanted to forget what happened. She tries to give the best explanation to the police, telling them she's alright and shock made her forget to deal with her broken vehicle. After an hour on the phone they finally let her alone, adding that if she wanted to file a complaint there would probably not be a lot of results. She just replies that she will think of it, when in fact she won't at all.

As things couldn’t get weirder, one afternoon she meets an odd customer at the bookshop she’s been working for years now. She doesn’t notice him particularly, until she feels like he is staring at her behind his sunglasses. She tries to ignore him, but can’t resist staring back. He is wearing a grey sweatshirt, the hood covering his hair, but at the color of his beard she guesses it’s as dark. There’s something familiar to him and decided to understand what his problem with her is, she fully turns to face him.

“Can I help you?”

The man seems to freeze, his hands sinking in the pockets of his trousers. He lowers his head and reads the badge with Victoria’s name on her jacket. He looks back to her and this time she raises an eyebrow, her arms crossing over her chest.

“No that’s alright.” He mutters with an accent she doesn’t get in the moment. “Sorry for botherin’ ya.”

He steps back and leaves the bookshop without another word. She doesn’t move for a moment, frowning and still staring at the shop’s door. She has dealt with a thousand customers in five years of working here, sometimes extremely weird, even more than this one, however it’s him who remains stuck in her head even a few days after his visit.

But the culmination of this month filled by weird events happens a week after the man came to the bookshop. It’s a friday, and as usual, Vicky has her free afternoon and spends it at her flat, watching the last episode of Game of Thrones while drawing. But she’s interrupted by a knock on her door. She frowns, pretty sure she expected no one to come today. The person knocks again and she gets up from her desk chair. She unlocks the door, opens it, and before she can even say “hello”, she gasps in surprise at the sight of the man standing in front of her.

Victoria has no doubts. It’s the man from her dreams or the one theorists call the “time traveler”, standing in the corridor of her floor with a tight, uncomfortable.

A/N : A first chapter full of misteries ahah ! Don’t hesitate to comment, express your ideas regarding what could happen or whatever could happen, I’m really curious to know ahah! See you next week for some answers ;)

Tags : @maggiescarborough @geekandbooknerd @obipoelover @finansarms ; Don’t hesitate to tell me if you want to be add to the tag list of the fic!

#finan the agile #finan #Finan x OC #finan the last kingdom #The Last Kingdom #fanfiction #somebody to die for

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gallivantingheart · 4 years ago

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Me, a Princess? Shut Up!

masterlist | previous | next

⏮️ chapter 5: anneliese ⏭️

who?: jihoon/woozi x (f)reader

word count: 2800

genre/s: fluff, humour, social media!au

warnings: mild coarse language

synopsis: Life’s pretty good for y/n. Easy, even. Until someone claiming to be her grandmother says she is the queen of a small island country - and y/n, a princess.

a/n: this one’s kinda super long-ish than usual. and a bit of a filler/character chapter, but I still hope you like it 😊

**please ignore the timestamps - they are not accurate**

TAGLIST: @strykiss, @karrotkarrotkarrot, @3sriracha, @minkwans,

don’t hesitate to send an ask or dm to be added!

Soonyoung doesn’t dare kick his feet up onto the antique coffee table now that your grandmother is in the building, despite how much more comfortable it would be to. The way he reclines so deeply gives away his bad habits as he clears his throat and sits up a little better. You’re glad that Soonhee has tasked the ambassador with your princess lessons for a while. Maybe a more relaxed approach might jog your memory.

“So, where did Her Majesty get to last you did this?” He says, flipping open the photo album.

You lean forward, holding your sandwich up and away from the pages. “Uh, great grandparents. So...sixth generation.”

His brows raise. “Only sixth?”

You whine, slumping as he laughs kindly at you, empty of any maliciousness. Since the security breach, you’ve really warmed up to Soonyoung, glad to have someone closer to your age to relate to and learn from. And he’s a great teacher. Patient but firm, not to mention relentless. He told you about his travels across the country and secret stories about Amaide. They gave you a better idea of the kingdom you may end up leading.

You groan loudly - bordering a roar - after mixing up your great, great grandmother with your great grandaunt (once removed) and snap the album shut.

“Soon, spare me. My brain is seizing up.”

He laughs louder this time, eyes vanishing into his round cheeks. “Okay, okay. You’re probably right. Class dismissed.”

You get up and check your phone, noting the time. Maybe you would have enough time to catch the start of Jihoon’s radio show, if you left now. Jihoon did say he wouldn’t mind if you dropped by - inviting you even before you needed places to hide. Tonight might be a good time to? You slide your kitten heels back on, pulling out your earphones. Only now do you realise that there is a constant, soft pattering from the roof - rain. At least Junwoo was driving you everywhere now, so no risk of getting too wet. Your footsteps echo through the embassy, killing the quiet you’d become familiar with in the old building.

“So where are you headed now?” Soonyoung asks, tipping his head at the attendant who hands him his coat.

You shrug your own on, as well as a felted plaid scarf. “Uh, back to campus? I’ve got a friend I wanna visit.”

The blonde checks his watch, eyebrows shooting up into his feathery fringe. “At this time? There are still people at your college?”

“Hmmm. They have a community radio station. Jihoon has a show on Thursday nights.”

“Oh, do you want a lift?”

You slant your head at him as he detours past the front desk down a short and fairly dim hallway, elaborate alcoves set into either side of the wall.

“Sure? Only if you’re going out? Otherwise Junwoo is at my disposal, so to say.” You wave your hand in a dramatic version of your grandmother’s wave.

Soonyoung nods eagerly. “Yeah! I’m meeting up with some friends in Hongdae later on tonight, so leaving a little earlier won’t hurt. Like I told you, I’ve got nothing to do now Soonhee is catching up.”

You grin, jumping for the passenger seat of the dark car Soonyoung indicates to. Darkly tinted windows, an expectation of most cars you get in nowadays.

“So, who is Jihoon? Is he the one you posted about the other day?”

You nod, carefully not looking at him as you gesture to turn right out of the gates. “Y-yeah. Ah, he’s Mingyu’s cousin.”

You flinch at your voice, stuttered and shy. You didn’t need someone else giving you crap over Jihoon. Soon’s eyebrows raise as he purses his lips, humming in thought.

“Huh. Alright.” Okay, he so doesn’t believe you, but whatever. “That’s nice that you have such a close group of friends. They obviously know about the whole princess thing.”

“Yeah. Can’t really hide something this big from people who have known you most of your life, y’know? Grandmother doesn’t know they know though.” You insist, bouncing a little in your seat.

The rain has died down into a drizzle, almost spitting, so Soonyoung turns the heater and the wipers down. But you can already imagine the cold wet seeping into your shoes, tucking them closer to yourself.

“Of course not. Her Majesty would lose it if she knew you’d broken protocol so early on. Secret’s safe with me, I swear.”

His eyes are wide and he’s quite serious about it, a little bit more desperate than you expected him to be. You don’t dwell on it as you tell him to turn again into the east entrance, past a familiar cluster of restaurants.

When he gets to a set of bollards, you sling the door open, fashioning your scarf over your head. “This is me. Thanks Soonie!”

He grins, waving. “No worries! See you next week! Be safe!”

“You too! Night.”

Shutting the door, you dash for the first spot of dry you see, turning to wave him off.

You navigate the dark campus and get out of the lift five minutes before the start of the show. It’s only then that you question whether or not Jihoon would really want you there. You’re just his cousin’s best friend he’s really nice to, maybe a friend of his yourself. You hesitate at studio 2, shifting from foot to foot as you overthink.

“You’re more than welcome to come by and watch one of the shows if you want. Mingyu and Minghao have even been in an episode or two.” Jihoon looks up briefly to smile small.

Quickly, you open the door and claim a seat next to Bumzu, Jihoon’s director and producer for the radio show. He’s quite well known in most circles, being everyone’s music and tech go-to. You put your finger to your lips, unwrapping your scarf from your head. Somehow, Jihoon is too absorbed in prep to notice you come in.

“Ji said I could come by. I hope I’m not in the way.” You whisper, unsure of the standards in the studio.

Bumzu smiles, his rougher edges softening. He passes you another set of headphones, plugging them in. The on air sign isn’t on yet, luckily.

“Not at all. We’re just about to start. Make yourself comfortable.” he murmurs. “Jihoon, we’re good to go. Cameras are rolling.”

You look over to see Jihoon settling in in his classic sweats and slides, despite being filmed. The host’s eyes slide to you, widening in shock. He motions to you with a wave, brows quirked. You wave shyly, smiling tentatively. The on air light above you buzzes to life and you settle, fond smile pressing at your lips. A subdued but chill jingle plays, male vocals playing to introduce the show.

“Hey everyone, it’s Woozi and welcome to tonight’s Woozi Tunes, your thursday night music fix. We’ve got new stuff from Justin Bieber and our on campus artist, Bumzu.” Jihoon says into the mic, giving a short wave to a camera.

As he chatters about this and that, his eyes slide your way, holding for prolonged amounts of time. Even Bumzu smiles, waving him off subtly. You’ve probably put him off, poor thing.

“So, first up we have Golden by Harry Styles. All thanks to his new mv, which I really recommend watching. Hope you like it.” He turns a few dials and nudges his headphones off an ear.

Jihoon looks straight at you, squinting a little as he smiles. You mirror his actions, shuffling closer while carefully staying out of the various camera shots.

“Bumzu, we’ve got four in the queue, right?”

The producer next to you nods. “Yeah, an ad segment then I’ll open the request lines. So, ten, maybe fifteen minutes till live. Studio audio has been muted.”

You don’t understand any of the small terms being thrown out around you. But you don’t care too much, bundling your scarf closer to your neck in the enclosed room for something to do.

“Y/n, I didn’t know you were coming.” Jihoon says, empty of malice.

You smile but shrug. “Yeah, I ended up finishing pr- uh, study group earlier than I expected and thought I’d drop by. I hope that’s not too much trouble.”

He shakes his head, shuffling his slides back and forth over the tightly woven grey carpet. Beats and patterns wave behind his head, turning the fluorescent halo around his hair neon.

“Not at all. I’m glad you decided to come. I hope you enjoy it.”

“I always enjoy your radio shows, Ji.” You blurt out.

Your jaw drops at your lack of filter, promptly shutting your mouth as your stomach drops and flutters. Wow, maybe Minghao is a bit right - too obvious. His brows quirk, resting his elbow on his knee.

“You listen to it?” He asks.

“Of course I do! I like you-your music taste.” You clench your teeth through your grin.

Wow, you really needed to learn how to filter your brain better. At least you don’t blush easily. You chatter back and forth about the playlist for tonight and his upcoming guests - he has Seokmin and Jeonghan, a mutual friend of Joshua’s, next week to talk musicals and teaching (how they relate, you’re not really sure). You forget Bumzu is even in the room until he gently clears his throat.

“Jihoon, you’re back on in 60.” He calls quietly.

“Oh! Oh right. Thanks, Bumzu.” Jihoon glances back to you, the tips of his ears a fairy floss pink. He’s grinning though. “Psst, do you want to talk more after the show?”

You nod, shooting a thumbs up, casting a glance back up to the time, hearing the end of a Pink Sweat$ song fade out.

He’s more charismatic over radio than you realise, leaning back in his chair and chatting briefly to one of the callers requesting. Still subdued but open, cracking a grin here and there. You check the radio show’s page to see if anyone is commenting on the show tonight - you’re a frequent snooper. Jihoon has quite a few fans, not just on campus. You bop your head along to his rhythmic playlist and listen intently to his callers. Before you know it, Jihoon is hunched near the controls and ending the show.

“Thanks for tuning into another Woozi Tunes on 97.6 fm. Remember, if you want to listen to this episode or any others, podcast recordings and playlists will be available on Spotify. To play us out, a song for, well a friend. An oldie but a good one - Bruno Mars, Finesse. Woozi, signing off.”

You bite your lip to stifle laughter. His favourite artist, your favourite song. You let him murder it the summer of 2018, long after it had come out, just to annoy Mingyu.

“And… cut. Cameras and audio are off. Another week down.” Bumzu announces, pulling off his headset.

You pull off your own, delicately setting it aside. You give a lone round of applause. “Well done everyone.”

The radio host looks to you, quietly preening as he stands to tug his jacket off the back of his chair. You stay seated out the way as they clear everything away, slotting equipment into draws and wiping down surfaces. There isn’t even any idle chatter between them, but rather than being awkward it’s a moment of peace you didn’t know you wanted. Working, content peace away from everything as of late.

“Jihoon, don’t worry. I’ll finish up.”

Jihoon’s dark brows shoot up. “No no, hyung. We’re almost done.”

“Exactly. There’s not much left and I lock up anyway. You’ve got an early seminar tomorrow. And a guest. You can head off.” The older man insists, his soft edges turning to a stubborn frown.

The younger of the two rolls pretty quick, pushing the keyboard away and nodding. Jihoon’s dark eyes flick to you hopefully as he grabs his keys and wallet from an open draw.

“Alright. Talk tomorrow. Night, hyung.”

You give the older man a wave, bundling yourself up again now that you’re leaving the enclosed space. “Thank you, Bumzu! Good night.”

You head out into the hallway, meandering down to the lift and then the small set of stairs to the entry of the arts building. The rain is heavier as you drift awkwardly, checking your phone and contemplating your journey home.

“How - how are you getting home?” Jihoon asks, flipping his hood up over his dark hair.

You shrug. “Bus. Soonyoung dropped me off, not Junwoo.”

His lips press together as he shows a prolonged nod, kicking at the lino in his slides. You click through for the bus timetable, patting your pockets for your purse. You wonder what he’s waiting for, seeing as he drove here and the carpark for this side of the campus is underground and less than five minutes. He probably had staff parking too because of the radio show.

“Are you busy?” Jihoon asks suddenly, a little sharper than you’re used to.

You shoot him some side eye, tucking your phone away. “What...when?”

“Uh, now?”

You smile, shaking your head and stuffing your hands in your deep coat pockets. “Nope, I’m free.”

His shoulders perk up and he pulls his hood back down. Jihoon’s ears are going a little pink again as he turns back for the stairs further into the building. You feel the tentative excitement rolling off him, rubbing off on you so that you mirror his frame, your own shoulders tucking up around your ears. Every shuffle of your feet echo and the light sensor above you flashes red.

“Do you want to see my new song? I know you haven’t had the chance to see much of them.”

You’d mentioned - gently hounded, you hoped would be the best alternative term - before that you would be excited to hear some of his stuff. You’re already on your way back to the lifts.

“Absolutely! Lead the way.”

You lean over the soundboard, listening intently to the demo track. His voice is distinct, so unlike what you thought it might be. Still, it's versatile and powerful when combined with the lyrics. The beat is steady and you bounce your head along.

You glance to him, leant back in his seat watching you. "You wrote this? Like, all of this?"

He hums. "Yeah. It’s the track I got an HD for.”

Jihoon's arms are crossed and you feel bad that he has to feel defensive with you. You smile then gasp when the pretty singing becomes fluid rapping. His gaze turns with your reactions, concerned. Finally, you pull off the headphones as the minute and a half closes.

"I - singing, rapping! Composing? This is amazing, Ji! I'm so glad your major is music, otherwise your talent would be wasted for sure." You proclaim.

He ducks his head and fluffs at his hair with a smile. Jihoon seems unable to look at you and you let the bashfulness slide - not. You nudge at his chair so it spins.

"Wah, you act like no one has ever said that before!"

"I - it sounds a little different coming from you." he shrugs, still not looking. "Most of them are a little amazed or they're assessors with a job of picking it apart."

You nod and sigh. "Makes sense. Still. I hope you keep that track. I'd listen to it."

Jihoon beams before his sight slides to the digital clock sitting on a shelf - how very retro and efficient - eyes widening as he sits up straight.

“I - It’s almost midnight. We better head out.”

You can’t help but pout, standing up to push your chair in. “Yeah I’ve, of course, got princess things to attend to. Bumzu said you have class, don’t you?”

His slim fingers peek out of his navy sleeves, flying across the keyboard to turn everything off. “Uh-huh. I’m supposed to be doing the readings on it now, but It’s a pretty lax class so I should be able to get away with it.”

Your mouth is flapping silently like a fish, unable to form any coherent speech to reply with. Something not scolding, nor a joke, seeing as he’d just sacrificed his valuable study time to entertain you. Then he’s in the doorway, hand hovering over the light switch.

“Are you coming, Princess? Or am I leaving you in the dark?” Jihoon looks at you expectantly.

You gasp - mostly at the teasing name - and scuttle after him, breaking out into the dingy hall, yellowing walls and all. “I - yeah, sorry! Let’s go.”

(If Jihoon sings along to the radio on the way to yours, you don’t say anything. You’re grateful that he does the same for you when the Top 40 segment comes up in the thirty-five minute trip.)

#caratwritersclub #seventeen au #seventeen fic #seventeen social media au #seventeen scenario #seventeen imagine #jihoon fic #jihoon imagine #jihoon scenario #seventeen smau #woozi fic #woozi imagine #woozi scenario #woozi x reader #jihoon x reader #mapsu fic #written

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tjlikesprettythings · 4 years ago

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Joshua Tree Playlist-A Macriley Fic

So I’ve done it again, not sure what’s wrong with me or where this came from but enjoy my obsession. Thanks for the motivation and support from my other posts. I’m still waiting for my invite from Ao3 but wanted to share this monster with you guys.

This fic was inspired by music that I thought fit the general tone of this story, so I decided to make a spotify playlist linked Joshua Tree Playlist hence the name. Now of course you guys don’t have to listen to it, I know we all have different preferences, but I would recommend listening to the last song by Dylan Schneider “Wannabe” so you get the full context of what I was trying to write. I also mention the songs that I recommend listening to. Well anyways Enjoy and do let me know what you think!

This is very long, just a heads up! Please let me know if I should continue writing.

Joshua Tree Playlist

Chapter 1: Day 1

Mac sat on the deck after his run, another sleepless night. The nightmares felt more and more real each day. Looking out on the early morning LA skyline he felt like a stranger in his own life. There was so much anger in him that he didn’t know what to do with himself. The loss, the tragedy that was his life felt like a weight he couldn’t bear. He’d give anything to go back to that pressure chamber in Georgia again instead of this, at least things made sense then. He was spiralling, he was aware. Scrubbing his hands across his face he let another breath pass. He didn’t hear her coming but saw her shapely bronze legs standing in front of him dressed in khaki shorts and a black singlet one hand holding a backpack and the other on her hip. It was definitely early for her to be up, especially on an off day.

He raised an eyebrow at her, “what’s up Riles?”

“Get up, we’re going on a trip.” She simply said swinging the backpack at his feet.

“What?” he was confused by the situation unfolding in front of him, maybe he was dreaming?

She turned to walk back into the house, “You heard me Macgyver, get your ass in the car in 5!”

He stood up and swiped the backpack off the floor and chased after her. She was already in the truck sunglasses pulled down with her arm out of the window, fingers drumming against the door. “Riley.”

She nodded her head in the direction of the car, “come on, we haven’t got all day! Get in!”

He could have stood his ground but honestly, he was too tired to argue with her. So he threw his backpack in the back and got into the passenger seat. She started the car and connect her phone to the Bluetooth, a playlist called Joshua Tree Playlist that was curated by Riley Davis came on the on-screen deck. He discovered that Riley didn’t just listen to Beyonce, old school rap, and rock. Her music like her was multifaceted and ranged from what you’d expect to complete surprises. He even walked in on her listening to Harry Styles to which she had just shrugged and simply said “I’m confident in myself to like what I like, besides watermelon sugar is a tune.” But currently, she quickly scrolled and threw on Mumm-ra’s “Summer” the indie rock song had a classic indie bass and guitar combo as the intro, she shimmed her shoulders to the music. He couldn’t help but actually crack a smile at her antics.

Her head turned to him then as she bopped to the music and gave him that brilliant smile lipping the words to the song “I’m only happy in the summer...I’m only happy with you, lover...” She was like a prism, all clear but as soon the light hit her she was vibrant colors and sounds. “Now that’s more like the Mac I know. Nice to have you back for a second.”

Her words hit him fully, leave it to Riley to bring him back down to earth. To notice that he was struggling. He didn’t know what to say, so he opted for the next best thing. “Are you going to tell me where this semi-voluntary kidnapping is going?”

“Hey, no kidnapping vibes here. We’re taking a couple of days and chilling out. Matty already approved it. We have four days to ourselves. So we’re going on a road trip! Next stop Joshua Tree.” She simply stated as she drove down the hill and towards I-10E.

He widened his eyes and gave his head a shake, letting loose a chuckle he threw up his hand and let them slap his highs. “Ok! I’ll bite.” the brilliance of her smile made him feel like he made the right choice, the breeze already warm blew in through the open windows, the loose strands from her bun floating around her face.

“Yea! Bozer is going to meet up with us there, he has an errand to run before. Unfortunately, Desi can’t make it, she’s on a mission.” she said sparing him a glance.

He shifted in his seat if he were honest, he was now just looking forward to spending time with her and Boz. “Yea, probably for the best.”

She didn’t say anything waiting for him to continue if he wanted to. The great thing about Riley was she pushed when there was something worth pushing for but otherwise gave him space to talk to her on his own time. Without saying it, he could feel her body asking him if he and Desi were ok.

“I’m not sure I’m what she needs right now.” He simply stated and the unstated that he probably didn’t need their complicated and messy relationship right now either. They were too volatile and while that gave spark to great sex, it left everything else scorched and untouchable. It wasn’t fair for Desi to be stuck with him while he was stuck in his head.

He watched Riley shift in her seat, lately, he noticed there was a strange distance between them but then here she was stealing him away as the old Riley would. Maybe four days would give him the answers to why he felt like she was slipping away slowly, the thought put such a tight feeling in his throat, he couldn’t lose one more person. Especially not Riley, not his amazing, smart, loyal, beautiful friend singing along to a cover of Billy Joel’s “Vienna”. Suddenly it was easy to smile again, it didn’t take all of his efforts. “Hey, did you pack my bag for me? Or am I gonna have to survive in these running clothes for four days?”

He didn’t think to change when she gave him 5 minutes to meet her at his truck.

“I got you, Mac, everything you need is in there boy! Why would I give you an empty backpack?” she tapped on with the music and threw him another smile. If the next few days were going to be filled with smiling Riley he was already glad she kidnapped him voluntarily.

“Did you go through my underwear and sock drawers?!” He asked narrowing his eyes and laughing as a soft blush spread across her cheeks, Riley Davis can be bashful what do you know.

“I mean we’re all adults here, no need for this juvenile behaviour. Yes, I packed your undies and socks.” He could see her rolling her eyes behind her sunglasses, but he was amused by the blush that graced her face. Mac always thought Riley was attractive, men and women constantly commented on her beauty. Her looks helped them with countless ops. He wasn’t blind, just looked past the obvious. She was his friend, Jack’s daughter, and a relationship he couldn’t sacrifice. But these moments when they’re alone and he could look at her and steal glances he saw just how gorgeous she was as a being.

They had become closer the past couple of years for sure, he felt completely at ease with her. Could talk to her about anything, seek her counsel about things that were on his mind. She usually could read him already ready to jump into whatever stupid situations he got himself into. Even now he couldn’t believe that she followed him into Codex. She had told him she trusted him, and he felt like he could breathe just from those words. Knowing she stood with him gave him the strength to follow through.

They stopped for coffee and bagels, laughing about the guy in front of them that took ages to order. They made fun of a couple of housewives of Beverly hills type and how Bozer would’ve recognized who they are. It was just easy his mind kept saying to him. When he pointed to a smidge of cream cheese in the corner of her mouth, she attempted to licked it away with her tongue, he couldn’t help but gulp down some of his iced coffee and watch her miss it. Reaching over he brushed the side of her lips and without thinking licked his thumb clean. She froze for a second and looked at him with an intensity that he couldn’t read. “You were struggling” he shrugged.

“Thanks,” was all she said with an almost shy smile, unaware of course of how that small act sent fire all over her. She was thankful that she was on her last bite and he was already finished with his bagel, now casually leaning back in his chair letting the sun warm his face, his golden hair casting a halo around him. She needed to run away, “ready to start the journey again?”

Smiling he stood, they took their unfinished coffee and bottles of water with them. For the next 15 minutes, they joked about the new episodes of Rick and Morty, as more of her playlist played in the background, glancing at the screen he saw the current song was “Good Life” by Randell Kent. The lyrics washing over him as they finally pulled into the expressway. This could be a good life, at least it felt that way right now.

They passed the next 15 minutes in silence, but it was the kind they had often where it was just comfortable. They didn’t feel the need to fill the void. They just listened to music and watched the road and let their minds wander.

She hummed along with the new song that came on, he never noticed that she had a pretty nice singing voice. “...don’t overthink it...just surround me...hmm” LÉON's "Surround Me" played in the car. He leaned against his window and watched her quietly. “Why don’t you take a nap, I know you didn’t sleep much last night. We’ve got another 2-hour drive ahead of us.” She finally says to him softly turning the music down a bit and rolling up the windows opting for the ac.

Of course, she noticed, it wasn’t a big secret that he had been spiralling out of control. He wasn’t sleeping or eating well, his mind obsessing over Codex. But now there was nothing but a jumbled mess of things and just pure grief and exhaustion left behind in the aftermath. Strangely enough, he actually felt ok enough to take her up on the offer, she made him feel safe. Knowing she was going to be here when he opened his eyes brought a feeling of comfort and peace he was struggling to have, it was like the darkness couldn’t get to him. “Yeah ok.”

He drifted and for the first time in a long time found sleep came quickly and a dreamless sleep took him over. No nightmares, just soft hum engulfed him. It was when he felt warm fingers on his cheek brushing back some hair did he open his eyes and came face to face with Riley’s hazel eyes and full lips. He blinked a few times to adjust to the light. “Hey,” she said softly.

“Hey, are we here already?” He asked sitting up, it didn’t escape his mind that he didn’t mind that Riley was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes, it never did but he filed it away with any other thoughts that ever came into his mind about her that seemed more than friendly behaviour.

She stepped away from him and cleared her throat and nodded, “yea, we’re here. I’m glad you got some sleep” she smiled again. She was entranced with watching him sleep, she almost didn’t want to wake him, he was beautiful, soft and so vulnerable in this moment. She knew how much he was struggling, which made her predicament even more complicated. How could she tell him she would be moving out? Instead, her brilliant idea was to steal him away for a few days. She was playing with fire, but she also knew that as strong as he was, any more change might send him over the edge. She decided she’ll tell him about her move after this trip, but her priority will always be to protect him, her heart can deal with it.

His own faced turned up, “yeah I guess I needed it, and who knew what I needed was you humming off-key to songs in the background to fall asleep.” She swallowed and told her heart to stop its stupid summersaults.

“I’ll make you some tracks and make sure they’re extra off-key! I’ll be your white noise” she said quickly teasing back.

“My very own ghost.” his eyes crinkling in the corners. This was the most she’s seen him smile in a while.

Rolling her eyes and doing a mock laugh “careful or I will haunt your ass for real” to which she got full dimples, this was going to be four long days.

“Ok so I got us a house actually” she cheekily said pointing at the well-maintained terra cotta colored house they were parked in front of on top of a hill surrounded by sky and desert landscapes with cacti and boulders, the house faced the road below that brought them into town. The front porch had a couple of lounge chairs, a table for four, a couple of lanterns neatly hung around the arches and a small pathway that led to a circular covering what he deduced was the hot tub. There were shrubs and succulents neatly planted around the house giving some green to the otherwise very warm hue of the area.

Mac looked around and already his head felt lighter under the sky that just seemed bluer here, probably because the air pollution was nonexistent here. He sheepishly said, “I kinda thought we’d be camping,” rubbing the back of his neck, “but the house looks nice.”

“Listen, we can camp I bought everything, but we can also stay in this awesome house with a hot tub, pool, and functioning toilets and showers.” she shrugged tucking her hands into the back pockets of her shorts. “What can I say, I’m a city gal and honestly we do ‘camp’ a lot for work.”

He shook his head lightly, “yeah I guess you got a point there,” thinking of all of the times they did camp out without any real equipments. “You thought of everything huh?” He asked softly taking her in fully. “Thanks, Riles.” watching her smile and nod made his heart feel warm, a feeling he’s been missing for a while.

As if on cue Bozer pulled up behind them. Riley’s smiled widen. Mac turned towards the car and he thought he was seeing a ghost. Then he heard the familiar sound of a Texan drawl. He turned to Riley wide-eyed and then back at where Bozer stepped out of the car with a shit-eating grin and next to him was none other than Jack Dalton.

“How’s it going hoss!” He waved with a laugh as he approached Mac and took his hand and pulled him into a hug.

“Jack! Man, it’s so good to see you.” Mac said hugging the older man hard, he felt his eyes water just a bit.

Jack pat his back and pulled away smiling, “it’s good to see you too, kid.”

“Yeah, the OG gang is back together” Bozer claimed jumping with excitement.

Jack turned to Riley and embraced her, “Hey baby girl!” Pulling her off the ground as she shrieked with laughter. Riley held onto Jack for a moment longer before releasing him and smiling, she didn’t hide the tears that were softly rolling down her face now.

“I’m so glad to have you back.” She said softly. Jack brushed away tears from her cheek and nodded.

“Me too.” he turned to look at his crew and smiled at the kids that somehow came to mean the world to him. “So we ready for this crazy weekend or what?!” his arm still around Riley.

“Hell yeah!” exclaimed Bozer already heading to the trunk of his car to grab his and Jack’s bags.

Mac just stood dumbfounded for a second taking in the 3 most important people in his life and finally feeling something, he’s been so scared that something in him was shifting but seeing them here smiling at him brought back the warmth he felt has been slowly seeping away. “Thank you, guys.”

“Come on man, we’re family,” Bozer said squeezing his shoulder.

“You always got us,” Jack added a giant grin. “Alright now, let’s get settled and decide what we’re doing. I’m craving a cold one for sure!” He said picking up his bag.

Riley on cue walked over to the door and pressed in the security code into the door handle and opened up the door. “Welcome to the digs boys, we’ve got the living room” pointing to the right, “the master bedroom just past there as well as the second bedroom. Just ahead is the dining room and kitchen, around the hall to the left we have the other two bedrooms and bathroom. Laundry room and back porch with the grill AND pool. You saw the fire pit and hot tub in the front of the house.” she said sweeping both her arms around the house that was meant to be their home for the next four days.

“Damn Riley! You did good!” Bozer said as he scanned the house, decorated with a mix of modern and country house feel. Walking over to the kitchen he hummed in approval, “I can work with this! I’m gonna grab the groceries!” he bounced back out the door.

Jack gave a whistle of approval, “man, after the places I’ve been sleeping in, I’m gonna sleep like a baby!” as he went around ducking into rooms and giving his approval.

Mac didn’t care much about the house but did agree it was a nice one with all the comforts of home.

Riley suddenly stood in front of him and gave him a warning “Macgyver don’t use any part of this house, I would like to get my deposit back.” He laughed holding up both hands in agreement.

Jack turned the attention back to the group, “ok kids whose taking what room?”

“Riley should have the master,” Mac said right away. Jack did jokingly protest that he’s the one who’s been sleeping on rubbles and jungle floors. Bozer bounced into one of the bedrooms to the right, jack decided to take the bedroom next to Bozer. Which left him and Riley to the right side of the house. “Masters all yours.”

She smiled, “umm you sure you don’t want it?” to which he shook his head, all of the bedrooms where sizeable with queen beds and dressers, it honestly didn’t matter and being the only girl they didn’t mind giving her the room with space and vanity table so she can paint her face as jack put it to which she rolled her eyes. “So there is the bathroom down the hall next to the other bedrooms but one here on our side the bathroom is actually in the master, so feel free to use it if you need it. The shower in there looks amazing!” She said nervously.

He smiled “yea ok.” He helped her unpack the car and bring her bag into her bedroom. He looked around “maybe I should take this room,” which earned him a light shove at his shoulder and he chuckled.

“Too late it’s mine now. Ok! So I say we get changed grab some lunch and chill for a bit while we plan the next few days.” She laid out the plans looking up at him both hands on her hips and she stretched forward towards him. That familiar hammering came back in her chest, the next thing she knows he’s embracing her. “Mac…”

He just needed to be close to her just for a second, releasing her from the embrace he softly said, “I just...I know I said thank you, but really, thank you.”

She held onto his biceps and squeezed them, ignoring the way that made her feel she just smiled at him “hey what are friends for if not to kinda kidnap you for a mini-vacation.” He laughed and she decided that was her favorite sound. Letting her hands fall to her side, “go get settled, I’m sure Boz will make us something to eat, I’m starving.”

He smiled once more and left her standing in the middle of her room feeling so many things. The next four days were going to be the hardest four days of her life she reminded herself again. She survived two years in prison, she’ll be fine, she hoped. Taking a deep breath she walked into the kitchen where she could already hear Jack and Bozer.

Bozer was laying out sandwich meats and cheese he had picked up while swatting Jack’s hands away from stealing slices of the cold cuts. She felt a bit emotional seeing them goofing around, something about Jack being home made her feel like everything was going to be ok, that Mac would be ok and she would have the strength to get over what was currently happening to her in regards to Mac.

“Some things never change.” She heard Mac say softly now changed into a pair of trousers t-shirt and button-down. “Thanks for the clothes you picked out, I don’t think I could have picked better.”

Again she felt her face warm, what the hell was wrong with her. She couldn’t recall a time that she felt this affected. Usually, with guys she had found attractive, it was always coyness and subtle flirting but never did something so simple trigger this kind of response. She chalked it up to the heat even though the state of the art thermostat read a cool 70°. “Yea, of course, you’re welcome. And I’m glad that some things don’t change.”

Mac looked down at her, he agreed but maybe some things changing wouldn’t be too bad. Pulling up the chair at the kitchen island, they took the beers Jack handed them one by one raising his bottle “it’s good to be home, cheer!” They all clinked the bottles together and shouted cheers. Jack took a long swig off his beer, “Damn that’s good.”

Mac couldn’t help but feel like he was transported back to a couple of years ago when things were simple and good. They saved lives and had fun. Everything seemed so much heavier and complicated these days. But right now at this moment, he felt the most present he’s felt in a year.

“What are we having Boz, I’m starving!” Riley whined softly.

“Girl I got you covered. I’m making a medley of sandwiches, you got a Cuban, prosciutto and mozzarella with balsamic vinegar and basil, and a BLT coming at you with my homemade mayo,” he said already working on prepping the bread with condiments.

“Damn Bozer, have I missed your cooking!” said Jack with an excited glint in his eyes.

“So I was thinking we take it easy for today don’t know about you guys but I could take a dip in that pool, we’ll start early morning for the hikes, if we want to camp tomorrow night we can, day 3 and 4 are open for whatever you guys want to do. We need to be back in LA by noon on monday.” Riley laid out the plans.

“Pool party, I’m in,” Jack said nodded seriously.

“Me too! I can’t remember the last time I just had a day to do whatever I wanted.” Bozer said thoughtfully while working on their lunch.

“Yea, it’s been a lot going on hasn’t it.” He said picking at the beer bottle label. The room fell into silence for a moment, each reviewing the events of the past year if not longer. They lost so much as a collective but Mac and the most.

Jack took another sip finishing off his beer and shook his head, “Nah, we’re here to have fun, let’s focus on that.” grabbing one of the pickles that Boze laid out, Bozer gave him a side-eye but said nothing. “This weekend we’re gonna unwind and be thankful for this beautifully weird place. Nothing is blowing up, no one is shooting at us, the worst thing will be the hangovers and food comas,”

Riley and Bozer both collectively knocked on the wood of the kitchen island, “don’t jinx it!”

To which Mac proceeded to explain that ‘jinx’ wasn’t a scientifically proven, and went into a ramble about logic. It wasn’t until he noticed all three of his friends smiling affectionately at him that he stopped dropped him head mouth curving into a smile. He knocked on the wood too just in case.

Twenty minutes later Bozer served them his masterpieces as he called them, and they all agreed that they were works of art. Jack had caught them up as much as he could on his mission with the deltas and catching Kovac, leaving the classified information out. It seems so natural that they wouldn’t give details, that they understood that somethings they could never talk about again.

Finishing off his third sandwich Jack stood to plug his phone to charge “can you believe this phone lasted me almost 2 years?!”

To which Mac rolled his eyes but his mouth still twitched upwards. “I can’t help that a phone has key components for most builds.”

“Yeah you left and it became either me or Riley. I feel like it was mostly me though.” Bozer said pouting.

“Appreciate you picking up the slack, I already upgraded my insurance just in case.” Jack pointed at Mac. To which Boze and Riley hollered.

Mac held up his hand and shook his head, “hey man I promise if I don’t need it, I won’t ask for it.”

“Alright, Alright let’s get to the pool!” Jack said already pulling his shirt over his head. “Riley throw on some tunes, preferably something country or rock or close to my generation that we can all enjoy.”

It was Riley’s turn to roll her eyes, “don’t worry old man, I got us all covered. A bit of Brooks and Dunn, a bit of Ozzy, a bit of Technotronic, a little Beyonce, and of course Drake for Bozer.”

Mac’s face squinted into lines. “Wait is Techtronic for me? Or is Beyonce for me?”

She laughed, “guess you’ll just have to find out, though I do recall you know the lyrics to at least one of Techtronic’s’ song.” her own eyes squinting to tease him. “Alright, I’m gonna go change, be right back.”

“Yeah ok fair enough, but only cause it was on the radio…saved your booty,” she heard him mumble as she passed him patting his shoulder.

The guys were already set up by the pool when she walked out. Bozer managed to find a pool floaty from where they didn’t know and mildly suspected he might have packed the one that he was currently laying on and enjoying the sun. Mac and Jack sat next to each other with their feet in the water.

“I’m sorry about your old man.” Jack finally said softly.

Mac’s lips pulled into a line before he sighed and looked down at the beer bottle in his hand “yea, as it turns out its hard to be mad at a guy that always chose the utilitarian method. He sacrificed himself, I wish I could just be sad or just angry but how I feel is just…” he didn’t know himself.

“Hey man, I get it. I know what it’s like to lose a father. No matter who and how he was as a person, he was still your dad.” Jack said placing a hand on Mac’s shoulder and giving a light squeeze. “But you know I‘m here if you gotta sort through all the jumbled mess in your head. I’ll be your sounding board.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that” He did appreciate it, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to, let alone where to start to untangle the mess that his life became. He was brought out of his brooding when Bozer whistled loudly.

“Damnnnnn Riley!” to which Jack knocked him off his floaty, when he resurfaced drawing water away from his face he whined, “I was just paying her the compliment she deserves!”

Mac knew that Riley had an amazing body, her tight jeans and crop tops proved this countless time if not by the countless gowns and tight dresses she had to wear for ops, but they’d never seen her in a bikini in the four years of working together. He swallowed hard and pretended not to stare, but it was hard when she was all bronze and glowing, toned abs and round hips, her smile radiant even if her eyes held a teasing annoyance at the attention. It suddenly felt hotter than 89°.

Jack knew better than to tell her to cover up, and he knew that he could trust these guys but still, he pouted about her lack of clothing. “Jack, what do you want me to wear to the pool, a potato sack?”

“No, but...never mind!” he just mumbled.

She shook her head, but she was trying to distract herself from the fact that Mac had looked at her hard, their eyes locked for a second and she could’ve sworn she saw something there, the way his adam’s apple bobbed make her skin tingle. She decided that she’d read it as a compliment.

The rest of the afternoon passed with a game of pool volleyball, naps here and there or reading, Riley’s playlist playing in the background. Memories being solidified to sounds, smells, and feelings. She chided them to apply sunscreen and even offered to help with their backs.

“Riley not sure if you’re aware but I’m black,” Bozer said to her proudly.

“So? Black people burn too and are you trying to get cancer?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

Deflated he shook his head no and sat down. One by the one they gave up the protests as she threw savage shade at them. She applied a boatload of sunscreen just cause they gave her a hard time and decided to snap some pictures as well for blackmail of course.

Mac was last and sat in front of her as she steeled herself and slowly applied the sunscreen to the back of his neck, the hair at his nape tickling her fingers. She worked quickly and ran her fingers between his shoulder blades down his back. She felt him tense and worked faster. As much as she enjoyed being able to touch him like this, it was also inappropriate. He didn’t know about her feelings, and she felt sleazy as if she were taking advantage of a friend. Closing the bottle cap shut, she lightly tapped his shoulders, “done, now you don’t have to be an embarrassing lobster.” She weakly cracked.

He wasn’t new to attraction, or the body’s response to the said attraction. He didn’t expect to be so affected by her fingers running down his back, her nails making a slow trail that left him imagining those nails digging into his back for a completely different reason. He cleared his throat, “thanks, wouldn’t want that.” he managed as he looked over his shoulder. Fuck him, she was adorable as she chewed her bottom lip and nodded. Ok, maybe four days of this Riley was going to be a challenge.

Around later afternoon everyone decides to shower and get ready for the evening, agreeing to head into town and grabbing dinner there. They decided with the drinks they’ve had best to grab an Uber into town. The awkwardness of the poolside sunscreen still fresh as they piled into the car. It was a short ride but felt long as Riley sat squeezed between Mac and Bozer. Bozer just grinned, of course, him knowing her feeling about Mac was going to be her downfall. When they were dropped off, She felt like she had been holding her breath for hours.

“You ok?” Mac asked her to which she nodded.

“Yep, just need a drink!” His brows raised and he seconded that feeling because he definitely could use one.

Walking around the old Pioneer town setup, Mac explained different tools and contraptions that were displayed around the old buildings from the 1800s, Jack dazzled them with stories about Texas that either made no sense or was inaccurate according to Mac, Bozer, and goggle. They decided to have dinner at Pappy and Harriet’s Pioneertown Palace, where the smell of barbecue wafted through the warm evening air, They could hear the bustle of music and glasses clinking. Bozer was already rushing in to get them a table saying something about getting his hands on some ribs. Jack hollered that he has to see if this place is as good as Texas barbecue.

Mac looked down at Riley as her eyes sparkled with excitement the earlier awkwardness finally forgotten. Even though they’ve been everywhere in the world, this place had her vibrating. “I never knew you were a fan of the country life.”

She laughed, “I don’t know, I didn’t think that I was either, but there is something about this place that just, I dunno gets me kinda hyped.”

“Hey, guys they have a table for us!” Bozer shouted over the live music and chatter. Apparently they came on open mic night and the local dentist was doing this rendition of Hank Williams’ “all my rowdy friends” and killing it. The energy was just infectious.

They sat down as Bozer rubbed his hands together, “I already know this is gonna be the bomb. I mean can you smell that hickory?!”

“Hell yea I can!” Jack chimed in.

Mac smiled at his best friends, Bozer and Jack were always bouncing off each other in any room the three of them were in, but since Riley came into the picture they’re better behaved. They listen to song after song and the cheers of the crowd as they ate. Jack approved and hummed in appreciation.

“I’ve missed this, the good ole USA, bbq, and country blues.”

“Every song is about beer, a truck, a woman, but man is it catchy” Bozer stood busting out his moves as he called it.

“Jack, it makes sense you should feel right at home at this place.” She said with eyes twinkling.

Mac took a swig of his beer and chuckled, “This whole place is Jack if he were a bar, maybe throw in some Black Sabbath and ACDC in and you have Jack.”

Jack grinned and nodded, “ok, ok, you’re not wrong. I’m totally digging this place.” His eyes finding the eyes of a pretty blonde at the bar.

“Classic...” She agreed, crinkling her nose up in that adorable way when she found something slightly distasteful, thought Mac. For a moment they took the time to acknowledge the man who became a father to them both with affection. If they ever have to thank someone for their sincerity they could claim Jack as one of the big influencers. They’re musing was broken by Bozer shouting,

“Guys come on lets dance, how often do we get to do this anymore?” Bozer ushered them onto the dance floor. He already found himself a couple of dance partners. Ph.D. in partying Bozer was out tonight.

It was true, they didn’t do these things anymore. Things haven’t been the same for a while. It’s only been about a year and yet he felt like his whole world shifted. An avalanche of shit hit him.

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Jack jumped up and was already making a beeline for the woman at the bar. They could hear a vague “how you doing?”

Mac and Riley just rolled their eyes and joined Bozer on the dance floor as the new performer of the night decided to sing Shania Twain “Man, I Feel like a woman.” As soon as they joined Bozer, of course, within minutes Riley was stolen away for a dance. Mac was happy to watch her, the joy finally reaching her eyes today. Maybe they all needed this, a moment to stop and appreciate their lives.

He liked seeing her like this, Riley was always fun to be around. But right now she was everything he thought to himself, everything about her made his heart feel full. Finishing his beer off, he decided that he wanted to be the one to dance with his friend. The more he played with the word, somehow it didn’t seem enough anymore to call her that.

“Can I steal her for this dance?” he asked not really waiting for an answer already pulling her close to him. “You good?” looking to make sure he wasn’t misreading the situation.

She looked up at him and nodded, “yeah, I’m good.” looking down at their joined hands, it was this hand-holding that started the thud in her chest in Germany, and here it was hammering away. She was so screwed. There was a part of her mind that asked her, why not? He’s not attached anymore, so why not? But she knew better, he didn’t need this right now. He didn’t need her feelings to complicate his life. Lost in her thoughts or the blues of his eyes she wasn’t sure which, she didn’t realize the music was changing as the next performer took stage and cheers were heard.

The music changed to a slower one, something about it just seemed fitting and he’d watched her dance all night with other people but now it was his turn. He stepped up closer to her, her eyes on him as he took her hand and swayed with her. She laughed softly as they danced to a soft country song about a man who wanted to be a girl’s everything. How ironic.

“If you wanna be with a guy who's gonna bring you flowers A guy who's gonna talk on your phone for hours A guy who's gonna wanna hold the door for you When you wanna walkthrough A guy who's gonna pick you up A guy who's gonna take you out and make you Wanna get a little dressed up and get a little down”

She once told him that she wouldn’t mind a small town, the quiet, after all things they saw daily. He wondered if secretly she wanted to be one of those ‘girl next door’ country girl. He felt her warmth through the shirt she wore, his finger brushing the soft exposed skin of her midriff. It was like an electrical current ran through him, which was of course plausible and probably didn’t mean anything.

“I wanna be the guy with the roses Number on speed dial, ladies first, don't you know that's my style Hop into my truck I got plans We’ll head on down to Jimmy's and we'll do a little dance There's a lot of things in a small town a guy can be But if its by your side for the rest of my life Baby, you can call me, a wannabe (a wannabe) Be be a wannabe (a wannabe) (a wannabe) Be Be”

She knew how dangerous this was getting, but she couldn’t help herself just for this one song. Couldn’t help giggling when he spun her around and pulled her close. Couldn’t help but let her stupid heart thud at his deep laughter. Where she could touch him for a little while without question, without worry. She can feel the hair at the nape of his neck as she wrapped her arms around him because they were just dancing. This stolen moment getting filed away as one of the best nights she’s had to date.

“If you wanna be with a guy whose gonna give you The whole world from the back of a dirt road farm Scribbled in ink with a big heart a tattoo on my arm I'm talkin' kissin' like crazy, can't shut it down Can't you see how I wanna be the guy that you’re out with Arm that's your names on”

With every sway, he felt like he was taking a step towards where he should be. The person he should be and wanted to be. The doubt that has been clouding over him slowly clearing a little. He felt like he could finally see the light shining through. If someone like Riley could stand next to him as the world ended then life couldn’t possibly be that bad, right? So for now at this moment, he pulls her closer, lets her scent make him dizzy. Lets his hand splay across the small of her back to let each finger feel her.

“Be the lips baby that you wanna put your lips on All-day, all night, moonshine, sunrise, your favorite song There's a lot of things in a small town a guy can be But if it’s by your side for the rest of my life, baby you can call me A wannabe (a wannabe) (a wannabe) Be be a wannabe (a wannabe) Be Be”

There is a cheer from the crowd and she laughs “This song is fucking catchy,” She says as he dips her, the audible gasp vibrating through her to him. He decided then that he loved dancing with Riley. He loved her laughs, the way her whole face lit up.

“I wanna be the guy you make a life with, picket white fence with Maybe a little later hell even make a baby with Just you and me livin' that life long dream There's a lot of things in a small town a guy can be But if it’s by your side for the rest of my life”

He placed his forehead against hers and held her close. She glances up at him and his eyes hold hers. She’s mystified by their intensity, her body on fire from his breath fanning across her face. They were so close, he could kiss. He wanted to kiss her. As they got lost in each other, they failed to see the silly smile on Bozer’s face as he watched them or Jack who also softly chuckled from where he got distracted from wooing his lady friend Carla. If he was being honest, he can’t believe it took this long for them to get to this point. Well, he supposed he’ll have to have a chat with Mac about what he can expect if he hurts his little girl. Turning back to Carla he spared them one last glance then he was all Dalton, Jack Dalton.

“Baby you can call me, a wannabe (a wannabe) (a wannabe) Be be You can call me your wannabe (a wannabe) Be Be A wannabe (a wannabe) (a wannabe) Be Be”

The crowd clapped cheered and whistled around them, he held her eyes still in a trance. Something definitely shifted between them. She cleared her throat and let him go smiling. “Thanks for the dance. That was so much fun.” Turning to make her way through the crowd to their table where a fresh bottle of beer was waiting for them courtesy of Bozer she assumed. She didn’t wait to see if he was following.

The heat from the dance coming off her now as if she had a full HIIT workout. She took a sip of the beer and before she could swallow it, he was standing next to her.

“Riley…”

She gulped down the beer and looked at him, she was so fucked.

#macriley #mac x riley #riley x mac #riley davis #angus macgyver #macgyver #fanfiction #music fic #send heeeelp #work in process

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edengarden · 4 years ago

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heyooo, could i request a normal BNHA matchup?

I’m a 5’2 gay male, black hair, freckles, green eyes, sort of on the chubby side? I sometimes wear glasses and either dress like a hobo, middle school boy, or femboy lol.

Anyways besides looks- I’m kind of,,, weird. I’m pagan, and I really like nature even though I’m kind of a germaphobe when it comes to being outside.I’m autistic so there's that, It’s usually hard for me to make new friends bc I come on rather,,, strong and hate the awkward first meeting phase. But when I do manage to make friends I’m always there for them in whatever they need and always do my best to help them through their problems (if they want) or just listen. I’m also selectively mute, but when I do talk I usually have a stutter, so I prefer to listen to other people talk. But when I do talk it’s usually about my special interests or something I'm into like Star Wars (a really big one atm), snakes, and the colour yellow. Speaking of snakes, I have a snake named Shigaraki and a tarantula named Princess :)

Some negative traits about me… I can be quite a jealous person. And I have these sort of sad episodes? I’ll kind of stay in my head and overthink waaayyy too much so that’s not fun. Oh another thing, I usually have a hard time telling when I should back off? Like I constantly worry about if I’m being ‘too much’ or if I should give my partner or friends some space. Oh and I’m reeallyy bad at bringing myself down and talking negatively about myself casually. And I’m hella self conscious lol-

Some things I enjoy,,, I don't do much besides work, but when I have free time I enjoy writing for my friend, story-based video games, and I really like cooking. When I have time to relax, I like to read manga and Harry potter, I don’t really read many new books anymore. Kinda random but I also enjoy knitting too lol. My hogwarts house is Slytherin, and I’m a capricorn :)

My music taste is… a bit complicated. On one hand, half of my playlist is Steven Universe songs, then I have stuff at every end of the spectrum like Dean Martin, Mother Mother, Savage Ga$p, Freddie Dredd, Corpse Husband, and a variety of J-Pop artists (don’t come for me, J-Pop is better than K-Pop), and a few random sorta indie songs scattered around my playlist. Atm my favorite songs are Verbatim, Escapism (from SU), Line Without A Hook, and Inertia.

What I look for in others, hmmm, I guess someone who can carry a conversation and is good at like, picking up on things ya know? Someone who can be really patient with me and stuff, someone who loves kids, oh and someone who’s willing to watch Star Wars with me, thats a big one lmao.

Something I’d avoid would be a disrespect of others boundaries, a really judgy person, like someone who hates on others or something they do for literally no reason, and someone who’s unnecessarily hateful to babies/toddlers/kids. Idk that one just bothers me a lot lol. And someone who gets frustrated easily, I grew up in a toxic and abusive household so thats a no go for me.

This ones kind of complicated but here’s my quirk!! I came up with it on my own so I really don’t know if someone has something similar,,,

Okay, so my hero name is Hallucino! Similar to Aizawa, my quirk activates when I look at/lock eyes with someone and the effect drops when I blink. So once they’re under the effects of my quirk, I can make them hallucinate and see any sort of setting I want. My signature setting/move is called Vertigo, it’s sort of a trippy LSD setting? So it makes the person nauseous and, well, like they have vertigo. I can create people in the hallucination, but it really wears me out and gives me a migraine. When they’re in that state they can't see the real world, and can faintly hear, but they can feel everything in the outside world. Anyways I think my quirk’s pretty damn cool.

(Wow thats so much I’m so so sorry-- also I hope it’s okay if I copy and paste this and request a Tokyo ghoul matchup? Your work is really amazing please take your time-- also sorry if it’s spaced weird I’m new to tumblr)

You can go ahead and copy paste for TG, yeah!!

Your quirk is AWESOME!! It sounds so cool 👁👄👁 I love it.

I’m matching you up with Mirio!

You got like, THE best person on your side?? An absolute ray of sunshine. He’s SO approachable, like even if he notices you’re a bit shy at first, then he’ll actively make sure that you feel comfortable around him. While buddy boy does that to everyone, he always looks forward to talking to you specifically. He LOVES when you start talking about the things that you love. He could just sit there, and listen and soak in all the information. And then when he reminds you that he WAS indeed listening by referencing to something, and your eyes light up? Mirio could cry.

I feel like this guy has little to no sense of personal bubble? I mean his quirk doesn’t exactly allow it, either... what I mean by this is that it takes a lot for Mirio to be scared off, so your autism? Not a problem, he’ll learn and he’ll be good to go. Your lack of ability to tell when to back off? He might never need to actually talk to you abt it, but if he does he knows exactly how to talk abt it in a way that won’t hurt you.

MIRIO INTERACTING WITH KIDS WILL GIVE YOU BABY FEVER I AM WARNING YOU. This guy is so sweet to kids and wowow- he’s so patient and kind and you see him at his best (and worst) and you’d fall for him so far, and sometimes you may find yourself wondering how or if he feels the same way towards you but what you don’t know is just like you’re watching him when his attention is somewhere else, he does the same for you. And if you could just see the lovesick expression on his face I swear- buddy is so deep in.

Songs!!! (Y’ALL ARE IN SOFT TERRITORIES BITCH)

- Love Like You, Steven Universe

- Sofia, Clairo

- Sad Song, Michael Barrow & The Tourists

- Soul Love, David Bowie

#mha #bnha #bnha matchup #mha matchup #togata mirio

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princessamericachavez · 6 years ago

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FJORD’S PLAYLIST

Welcome to my overthinking where I literally meta over meta. Because what else am I supposed to do when Travis gives me such a good Fjord playlist to freak out over.

So, y’know, meta under the cut. Here we go:

1. Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea by Missio

Panic. Confusion. The cold, dark and salty depths with no end in sight. And then light — but, how? Fjord shouldn’t be here. What is he forgetting? No time to ponder or fight something that seems to have a plan of its own.

I FEEL LIKE FJORD’S DROWNING WAS WAAAAY MORE TRAUMATIC THAN WE AS A FANDOM ACKNOWLEDGE, OKAY?

Like, way way waaaaay more horrifying than just “I passed out and woke up in the beach with cool new powers” and more “I think I literally died.”

The berth surrounding my body crushing every bit of bone The salt, it seeps in through the pores of my open skin I wait on you inside the bottom of the deep blue sea I wait on you inside the bottom of the deep blue

Fjord shouldn’t be here. How many times do you think he’s thought that? Not only the fact that he should, by all accounts, be dead, but that out of his whole crew why would he get to live while everyone else is lost and gone.

Fjord has some fucking deep survivor’s guilt, y’all. I’m telling you.

2. The Funeral by Band of Horses

Things seem the same – but where is Vandran? Who will guide Fjord now? One thing is for sure, the Fjord he was before is dead and gone. Bury the pain and live on.

AGAIN, I FEEL LIKE WE AS A FANDOM DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE ENOUGH HOW FREAKING LOST FJORD IS WITHOUT VANDRAN. (i will never get used to that freaking spelling but I guess it’s the official so fine)

He was Fjord’s mentor, father figure and overall savior. He’s the person who made the difference in his life, who pulled him out of what seems like hell and gave him a purpose and sense of self. Losing that is no small deal, and I think a lot of his actions in the past several episodes have been guided by that pain and that need to find out at least what happened to him and who this man was before they met.

To the outside the dead leaves, they're on the lawn Before they died, had trees to hang their hope

He didn’t even get to give Vandran a proper funeral or goodbye, y’all.

Fjord’s whole arc is just one last desperate attempt to connect to Vandran, to feel like he maybe hasn’t lost him entirely (probably the reason Jester keeps bringing him up, too; she knows Fjord the best and probably understand that urge is what’s driving him).

3. Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi

Time to go. Keep moving and don’t look back. Fjord’s only known two lives — one he loved and valued, the other he detested and wishes he could forget. Only by moving north and away from this city will Fjord be able to start fresh. Now to disappear… ya’ll.

Time to go. Keep moving and don’t look back. I’ve said this before, and I will say it again: Fjord is a survivor. He’s gotten this far by not giving up, by doing whatever it takes to survive, and he’s not about to stop and give up now.

He’s lost everything he ever had, good and bad, he’s lost the little sense of stability he grew to cherish, and all he has now is the drive to start again. To not give up.

It's all the same, only the names will change Everyday, it seems we're wastin' away Another place where the faces are so cold I drive all night just to get back home

He’s never been anyone, anyway, never had a family, a last name, property... all he has is himself and his resolve to keep going.

4. The Sound of Silence by Disturbed

Love me some Disturbed, and this rendition builds like one of Fjord’s dreams. Terrifying and incredible visions flood his mind, and his confusion is only matched by the sometime physical manifestations that accompany his dreams. Can’t help but think of Caleb’s memories at the same time.

WOAH TRAVIS.

I feel so bad because Fjord seems to really be terrified of whatever is happening to him, even when some of it might be incredible and peak his curiosity, it feels like he’s just freak out.

Also interesting to feel like maybe Fjord finds a ghost of that darkness in Caleb, perhaps what drives him to confide in him, or trust him to stop the darkness if Fjord loses his way.

Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence

“Left its seed while I was sleeping” is such an on-point way to put the way Fjord is shaken by this visions, mulling over them when he wakes, trying to figure them out. After every dream, you can see his stance shift slightly as he tries to adapt to whatever new knowledge he acquired.

5. How Far I’ll Go by Auliʻi Cravalho

Let’s be honest – this is totally Fjord. Plus, you bitches were kidding yourself if you thought some musical numbers weren’t going in this playlist. Also, Disney.

FJORD IS A DISNEY PRINCE CONFIRMED.

Travis is a dork, also confirmed.

For real, though, I feel like this song captures Fjord’s excitement with his new life. He’s constantly pushing to see how far he can take his powers. For the first time, he probably feels there’s a chance that he will be someone, that he will “go to distance” (sorry not sorry). The world is no longer an island for Fjord, it extends beyond the horizon and he’s hungry (also not sorry) to see and experience it all.

Every turn I take, every trail I track Every path I make, every road leads back To the place I know, where I can not go, where I long to be

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me And no one knows, how far it goes If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me One day I'll know, if I go there's just no telling how far I'll go

Also, for the first time in the list, this song is so full of hope for big and good things. I’m all here for this. LET FJORD ENJOY HIS NEW LIFE AFTER A LIFE TIME OF SUFFERING AND LOSS. PLEASE.

6. Heathens by Twenty One Pilots

We’re going to get each other killed. Who’s in charge of this ragtag bunch of misfits and criminals? And if no one is in charge, does anyone know what we’re doing? Pretty sure the answer is “no.” One thing is for sure, it’s best for the common stranger to mind their manners when addressing The Mighty Nein. Unless it’s a kind word, best keep your thoughts to yourself and move along, amigo.

I laughed so damn hard when I read this because that’s such an ON POINT definition of the M9.

Group of Heathens? Check. Gonna get each other killed? Check. Who tf is in charge? Check.

However, it also shed light in the idea that the M9 are dangerous and better not be crossed. It almost sounds like Fjord enjoys that. Can you blame him, after being through hell? To have a group of people where he feels like he has some power, that he can earn respect, that he can defend himself and those he loves? Unless it’s a kind word, best keep your thoughts to yourself and move along, amigo.

Welcome to the room of people Who have rooms of people that they loved one day Docked away Just because we check the guns at the door Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades You're lovin' on the psychopath sitting next to you You're lovin' on the murderer sitting next to you You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?" But after all I've said, please don't forget

All my friends are heathens, take it slow Wait for them to ask you who you know Please don't make any sudden moves You don't know the half of the abuse

YOU DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF THE ABUSE.

There’s a very strong sense in this song of “even if the world is against us we look after each other” and I love that mindset for this little group of disasters.

7. Overburdened by Disturbed

The weight of Fjord’s responsibilities weigh on him constantly. New powers, new mission, new friends, new crew. The last time he felt this comfortable, everything was ripped away from him — violently. He feels like the waves may be breaking over his head, and struggling to catch his breath he must keep a calm demeanor and steady hand — and push on.

We all know Fjord has been in over his head but it’s nice to see Travis put it so clearly. I think it’s also interesting to be reminded that most of Fjord’s calm and in control demeanor is just a front to hide his doubts and fears. The best example for that? The whole thing with Avantika and how some of the M9 (and the fandom) feared some of that was for real when his goal has always EXPLICITLY been to protect his friends.

Hell is still overburdened I must stand and wait in line Hell is still overburdened How have I been so determined maligned?

There’s the closing of the curtain In the play that was my life Countless chapter’s left unopened, tragedies inside I was fighting for a reason Holy blessed homicide Seems I have committed treason All I’ve sacrificed

In the end, though, he walks a thin line and falling over to the wrong side is all too easy.

8. Pray For Me by The Weekend, Kendrick Lamar

How dope was the Black Panther soundtrack? Fjord feels strange and exciting powers surging within him, and as much as he wants to push the envelope of what he’s capable of, he must rely on those he’s closest with to check him, to keep him grounded — or he might lose more than just his sense of self.

That’s such a good way of putting it. If Fjord dares push for this powers and chase his curiosities at all, it’s probably bevause he’s counting on the M9 to tell him when he goes too far.

I’m always ready for a war again Go down that road again It’s all the same I’m always ready to take a life again You know I’ll ride again It’s all the same (ooh, ooh, ooh) Tell me who’s gon’ save me from myself When this life is all I know Tell me who’s gon’ save me from this hell Without you, I’m all alone

I just really love the idea that Fjord is willing to go as far as it takes to survive, to neverbbe powerless again, to protect himself. That he is always ready to do what it takes… And that’s what he needs true saving from. Himself.

When Travis talks about Fjord losing more than his sense of self, I suspect he means his new friends. He’s afraid to lose their trust, and that might just be the thing that keeps him from risking too much. It does well to have something to lose, something worth protecting even over our own desires.

Without you, I’m all alone.

9.Sunflower by Post Malone & Swae Lee

It’s easy to let all of life’s shit get you down — and sometimes, you need only look as close as your friends. Watching Jester move through life with boundless exuberance is contagious.

YOU KNOW I’M GONNA MAKE A WHOLE ASS POST ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR SONG RIGHT?

So I’m not gonna go too hard om the shipper feels right now. Not too much, anyway.

Just let me get emotional about Jester being Fjord’s literal beacon of light in all this darkness, in him being pulled along with her happiness and shenanigans, loving her pranks and silliness… As much as Fjord got a sense of self amd belonging with Vandran and his crew, did he ever have a true friend that could lift his spirits like this before?

Every time I’m leavin’ on ya You don’t make it easy, no, no Wish I could be there for ya Give me a reason to go Every time I’m walkin’ out I can hear you tellin’ me to turn around Fightin’ for my trust and you won’t back down Even if we gotta risk it all right now, oh

I think this is so important, both in light of what we mentioned earlier and in Fjord’s current arc. Jester constantly pulling him back in when he goes too far, not giving up on him, making him wish he was better and that he could protect her too.

They look after each other.

I’m fine.

ALSO JUST LET ME SCREAM ABOUT TRAVIS ADDING A WHOLE SONG JUST FOR JESTER FOR A WHOLE MINUTE BECAUSE I’M FEELING SO BLESSED AND VALIDATED. SHE IS SO DAMN IMPORTANT TO HIM.

10.Unsteady (Elrich Lee Gravity Remix) by X Ambassadors

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. And looking around at the people that now surround him, Fjord feels like they are building an increasingly strong chain.

Listen, Fjord my boy is already so attached and dependent of his friends and feels so much stronger and steadier thanks to them after a lifetime of fear and rejection. I’m so emotional.

Mama, come here Approach, appear Daddy, I’m alone ‘Cause this house don’t feel like home If you love me, don’t let go If you love me, don’t let go Hold Hold on Hold on to me 'Cause I’m a little unsteady A little unsteady

DON’T YOU DARE LET GO OF HIM YOU GUYS HE NEEDS YOU SO MUCH.

11. Ocean (feat. Khalid) by Martin Garrix

Feeling cautiously optimistic about his future, he finds himself in awe of his adventuring crew. That’s a new emotion and outlook for him, and he feels truly bound and responsible for these crazy people.

THIS IS A LOVE SONG TO THE M9.

THAT’S IT.

HE LOVES THIS CREW SO MUCH. HE’S REALLY TRYING TO DO HIS BEST BY THEM.

I will physically fight anyone who dares doubt of this good boy again. He’s been alone his whole life. He finally found a family and he will do anything for them. They are the best thing that has ever happened to him.

If we’re caught in a wave, I will carry you over It don’t matter where you are, I’ll run to your front door When my head goes in different directions You know my heart’s never on the move And in the dark times, you don’t have to question If I’m a hundred with you

You could put an ocean between our love, love, love It won’t keep us apart You could build a wall, I would run it up, up, up Just to get to your heart If we’re caught in a wave Baby, we’ll make a way You could put an ocean between our love, love, love It won’t keep us apart

LISTEN. I’M JUST

EMOTIONAL

12.Warriors by Imagine Dragons

Half the shit Fjord has seen since joining up with The Mighty Nein would normally have sent him running. But ya best know, The Mighty Nein are no joke. These fighters are bound to him, and he to them —and no one is taking away this new world he has found.

LET HIM FEEL BRAVE.

LET HIM FEEL HOPEFUL.

LET HIM FEEL POWERFUL.

LET HIM FEEL LOVED.

LET HIM FIND STRENGTH IN HIS FRIENDS.

In youth you’d lay Awake at night and scheme Of all the things that you would change But it was just a dream!

Here we are, don’t turn away now, We are the warriors that built this town Here we are, don’t turn away now We are the warriors that built this town From dust.

This is so on point and I love how much Fjord enjoys being a part of this group of powerful warriors and how protective of this he is. This is his life and he will do anything it takes to live it and keep it by any mean necessary.

“and no one is taking away this new world he has found” is such an interesting perspective about how Fjord thinks and why he’s sometimes willing to go to even dark lengths to get what he or his friends want. This is a possessive and protective statement coming from a man who already had everything he held dear ripped away from him once, who had lost and suffered too much… He won’t let that happen again.

#fjord #fjorester #critical role #sofia's nonsense #travis willingham #listen to the drums; listen to them

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sqsupernova · 6 years ago

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Author Interview - super_nerdy

We sat down with @super-nerdy-chick to talk about The Queen and Her Huntress, their process, and their Supernova adventure!

How do you form your stories? Do you outline beforehand or write by the seat of your pants? Do you write linearly or out of order?

It usually starts with one big idea- the main thing that's driving the story. It could be an idea about the climactic scene, or maybe the twist at the very end. Once I have that, I just write whatever comes to me first. Usually it's all out of order and then I have to go back and sew the pieces together like a quilt.

My ideas usually come to me while I'm sleeping, which can be really frustrating sometimes. I either have an idea come to me in the middle of a dream, or just as I'm about to drift of to sleep my brain goes "you know what's a great idea? ..." I learned a long time ago to keep a flashlight and a notebook by my bed, because I know that I will NOT remember any of it in the morning.

What in your fic are you most proud of?

I guess the characterization- I feel like I did a pretty good job at capturing the way I saw all of them in my head.

Is there anything you'd change now?

Yes! But that's because I really overthink my stories. I nitpick everything, which is probably one of the many causes of my writer's block.

How do you deal with writers' block?

Cry. Just kidding- it is such a hard thing to deal with. I have my own original novel I've been trying to write for over THREE YEARS now. Work, life- they have a big part to play in that. I have to say that having the deadline really helped me. It gave me a goal to work towards.

Another thing I've found that helps me is finding songs that fit that particular story and creating a playlist. (I have one for this story too, if anyone wants to hear it I can give a link). But I don't just choose songs based on the lyrics- it's also the feeling they invoke. The words themselves might not work with the story at all, but the music makes you feel the way I hope my writing does. The emotions are the same.

It also really helps to have someone you can bounce ideas off of. All of those things played a bit part in this story actually getting finished. Thank you to my best friend Amanda for listening to my crazy ramblings about my fics- she helped me SO much. And a tremendous thank you to my beta reader and cheerleader!

Was this Supernova experience different than your typical writing experience?

Yes, there were so many people in the fandom who were participating too that were so kind and willing to help me figure out any parts I was stuck on. Thank you dear SQ family!!

Any advice to other writers who might want to write a longfic, or participate in Supernova next year?

-When you come up with an idea, make sure it's one you would want to read, even if you think you're the only person in the world who'd want to read it. Don't try to write a story that you're not even a little bit passionate about. Otherwise it'll show in your writing. (And I guarantee that there's at least one other person out there who'll love it too).

-Beta readers/cheerleaders are there for a reason- use them! Reach out to them and get help if you're stuck or just want some words of encouragement.

-Try to find some inspiration in any way you can. Whether it be through movies, books, music. Figure out what genre your story would be (romance, horror, comedy) and find work that is similar. How do they build the tension and fear in horror? How do they set up the best punchlines in a comedy? Really examine them and even take notes of what sticks out. The emotions you feel at a certain point, what they did to illicit those feelings in you. How you would be able to do that with your own story.

-It can be really hard to stay motivated, even with the help of the cheerleaders. It's okay to feel that way. Try to set goals for yourself, and then reward yourself when you complete them. For example: If I finish this chapter tonight, I'll watch an extra episode of that show I like. Having goals to reach is really helpful, even if they're small.

-Do it!!! Even if you're nervous; it is so worth it. At first I was doubtful to participate, and now I'm so glad I did. This has been a really wonderful experience, and I encourage everyone to do it.

You can read The Queen and Her Huntress on AO3, along with super_nerdy’s other works! And don’t forget to feed the author!

#swan queen #sqsn spotlights: author interview #sqsn spotlights: the queen and her huntress

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hopeful-starship · 6 years ago

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Welcome to the 1st installment of “Chloé finds cool ask lists and answers them despite nobody asking”! This one is courtesy of @bgbygirl, go check them out!

🐰- do you believe in soul mates? Heck yeah i do. I haven’t found mine yet, but he’ll come around. I believe it.

💌- diary or journal? I’d rather journal! I sometimes just write out my feelings on loose paper when i feel bad, but i’ve rarely kept a diary for more than two weeks.

✨- which fictional character (book, show, or movie) do you relate to most? Holy WOW this is difficult. I’m a mix of chunks from a lot of characters, but i feel like i’m the closest to Cath from Fangirl (a wonderful book by Rainbow Rowell, which i highly recommend you check out).

💕- are you crushing on someone? I was literally three days ago (you’ll know if you follow my crush chronicles tag - which you probably don’t because it’s not that interesting), but i’m thankfully getting over it. I love boys and i love crushing, but he wasn’t good for me - at least not in a romantic setting.

💋- kissing in the dark or kissing in the rain? I’d say rain. If i’m kissing a boy, i probably find him handsome, and i want to be able to see him.

🐝- describe your aesthetic in emojis I’m on my laptop so i can’t use emojis, but i’d say my aesthetic as a mix of “80s rock dad”, “horny on main” and “pastel cinnamon roll”. It’s a weird mix.

🍼- what is your favorite memory? The 2nd time i met Captain America in Disneyland Paris this summer. I went to shake his hand (because the 1st one did that) and he said “no, i’ll hug you if that’s okay”, and that was THE CUTEST SHIT. I blog a lot about Bohemian Rhapsody at the moment, but i love the Avengers A LOT, and Steve is my favorite, so that was very special.

🌸- what is your favorite flower? Not orchids, surprisingly! I like them, but i like how the word sounds more than i like the flower itself. Is lavender a flower? I’m going to say it is. Lavender is my favorite flower.

💖- have you ever been in love? I’ve said i was in love a couple times in the past, but looking back, i don’t think i was. I was very fond of them, but i don’t think i was -in love-.

🍰- strawberry or vanilla? Strawberry! (Side not: i’m realising i changed a lot over the past few months, because the answer’s been vanilla my whole life)

🍯- describe your favorite smell I have two, and they’re extremely unrelated lol. The first one is speculoos cookies being baked, and the second one is that generic boy perfume smell (my friends say that doesn’t exist and i’m crazy, but i know what i’m talking about and i hope you do too)

🎂- if you had 3 wishes, what would they be? I generally have trouble with this question. The first thing that came to my mind was: i wish i could be sure everyone i love knows i love them, and i wish i wouldn’t constantly doubt they love me back.

🍪- cookie dough or cookies? Cookie dough. Cookie dough always. Any day of the week. I love cookies, but cookie dough is my favorite thing.

☕- coffee or tea? Neither! I don’t like hot drinks!

🍃- would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies? I’m fascinated by the ocean, so give me those mermaids any day!

🍂- what’s your middle name? My middle name is Jeanne! It was apparently two of my great-grandmothers’ name.

💫- what is your sun, moon, and rising sign? I had no idea what this meant, so i googled it and apparently my sun sign is Pisces, my moon sign is Taurus and my rising sign is Leo! Which apparently means i’m affectionate and emotional (very true), like to be praised and appreciated (also true), and am even-tempered and calm (not so true).

🌧️- favorite thing to do on rainy days? I love sitting/lying next to a window and listening to the rain fall while reading or writing!

🍭- how tall are you? I’m 6′2! (188 centimetres) (basically a fuckin giant)

💒- which show would you want to live in? I know the question probably means TV show, but i’m twisting it around and understanding musical, because damn i love theatre. My answer is Mamma Mia. OF COURSE IT IS. I want to spend my days dancing around a greek island and singing Abba songs at handsome dudes. (this might be a later question, but spoiler: Mamma Mia is my favorite movie)

🎄- what is your favorite holiday? Christmas! I fuckin love Christmas! I’m currently sitting in my Christmas pyjamas (yes, on November 17th, leave me alone)

🍦- what scented candle is your favorite? I’ve never had any candles (my mum thinks they’re too dangerous), but i generally like those that smell like cinnamon and apples.

🎶- favorite song right now? You may have noticed i have a bit of an obsession with Bohemian Rhapsody. My current favorite song is It’s Late by Queen, which i discovered when i was extensively researching their discography after seeing the movie. Oh my wooorld, that guitar riff gets me railing.

💘- 3 ways to win your heart? 1) Sing/play any instrument ever 2) Be kind 3) Have a lot of hair The truth is, if you’re a guy and you’re (even remotely) kind and attractive, i’ll fall in love with you, even if it’s for 20 minutes.

🍩- current mood? A bit weird, if i’m honest. I’m generally good, but it feels like the sword of Damocles is hanging over my head and a depressive episode is threatening to drop on me.

❄️- what is your favorite season? This is a difficult question for me, there are things i love and things i dislike about every season! But i’ll say spring, because i can go out without a jacket, but it’s not too warm yet.

💍- your current relationship status? Married to Gwilym Lee (jk lol, i’m single as all hell - someone date me please, i’m so alone)

📷- a photo of yourself

Here, have this picture of me being a Captain America fangirl in Disneyland Paris (i’m going back in three days and the excitement is UNREAL)

💅🏻- do you like being spoiled? OH NO. I’m not one of those who can’t accept a gift, but i can’t help but wonder what i did to deserve it and stress about it.

🕊️- 3 habits you have? 1) Arriving at college at least 30 minutes before my class starts and sitting on the floor outside of the classroom, reading or watching videos 2) Dancing a bit too enthusiastically at bus stops 3) Skipping class when i feel overwhelmed and hiding in the library/in a café with something to eat and something to drink, and watching a heckton of videos in hopes of making myself feel better

🦄- how do you perceive yourself? Well it depends on how i feel when you ask the question - but generally, i think i’m a rather good person, or at least i try my best to be. I’m as kind as possible. It’s going sound conceited, but i’m a bit too smart for my own good - which means i overthink everything and end up in a state of existential crisis 9 times out of 10. Physically, i’m mostly ok with how i look - although it sure would be nice if i could find ONE guy who thinks i’m alright too.

🦋- how do you think others perceive you? I’m not answering this question, because i don’t want to end up in aforementioned state of existential crisis. Feel free to tell me how you perceive me though, i’m interested!

🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys I’ll answer for guys, since they’re what i’m attracted to! Smile is something super important for me. I love hair, especially when they’ve got a lot of it (hello Brian May). And i seem to have a thing for cowboys and guitarists. (...again, hello Brian May)

🍓- one secret about yourself The main reason i obsess over “celebrities” (and even daydream about being with them) is because it’s easier than falling for guys i know irl and getting rejected.

🍒- how do you act when you have a crush? Like a FUCKIN IDIOT. During the first week i had a “thing” for my former crush, i couldn’t speak to him without stumbling on my words, and i almost fell on him on the tram. I can’t function properly when i like someone.

💔- the reason behind your last breakup? I’ve never been with anyone, so i’ve never had a breakup; so i’ll tell the reason behind my last rejection. Thankfully it didn’t hurt too much, he was in love with one of my friends and she loved him back, and i just knew they’d be good for each other. So just before they got together, we talked it out, just to clear the air, and so he knew that i wasn’t fully in love, i just liked him because he was cute and kind, that of course i wouldn’t do anything to interfere with their relationship, and that i really wanted us to stay friends. He was an absolute peach and he’s one of my best friends today!

💬- what your last text message says? It’s two heart emojis! (to a friend, don’t imagine any boys are talking to me)

🎥- what show are you currently binging on? I’m not watching any show at the moment, i’m trying to catch up on my Watch later Youtube playlist! But i did have half a Harry Potter marathon with a friend this weekend.

⛅- what is your morning routine? Brush my hair, tie it up in a ponytail (or a bun if it’s really greasy woops), wash my face, shower, dress, pack my bag, have breakfast, fiddle on my phone if i have extra time, go!

💗- who do you miss? I miss my friend Antoine. I know we’ve seen the best of each other, but sometimes i just miss the guy he was when i was 15.

🥀- last time you cried? Wednesday afternoon! While, you guessed it, watching Bohemian Rhapsody. It’s been 4 times, but i still cry a lot.

🎁- when is your birthday? March 3rd!

🔪- scariest/creepiest experience? I try to steer clear of anything even remotely scary or creepy, i hate that kind of stuff.

💤- date someone younger, older, or same age as you? I really don’t care as long as the connection’s there, but life has shown that i get along better with people that are a bit older than me!

🎀- any question you want I’m going to make this question into “where do you hope to be in three years?” because i think it’s interesting. If my plans don’t change, i’ll be in Brighton, taking another degree which i’ll hopefully enjoy this time. Which means i’ll have my own flat again - i hope it’s somewhat near the sea, so i can go quite often. I also hope i made friends that are on the same wavelength as i am, and who knows, maybe even found a good guy?

If you read this whole ordeal, thank you so much lol! That was really fun! I hope you have a nice day!

#personal #rambling #Chloé's ask lists

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eeveelutionsforequality · 7 years ago

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Hey vape, i dunno if you have clinical anxiety specifically, but what do you do when you're feeling really anxious and it's out of control? I just had a pretty bad panic attack that lasted a few hours and I really thought I was gonna die because I felt like I couldn't breathe. My sister was around so I had an anchor this time, but what do i do when im alone? Sorry for dumping my problems on you, but you're the only person I know that would really understand my problem. Have a nice day :)

Don't feel like you have to apologize for asking for advice! You're not dumping your problems on me at all! I wouldn't say that I was okay with answering people's questions in regards to this sort of thing if I felt at all like I couldn't listen to people's problems!

I have phobias, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, and a few other conditions that have it as a symptom, and how (or even if) I deal with it sort of depends on which is causing it and what sort of anxiety it is and why I'm anxious and what the circumstances are and all sorts of things.

Firstly though, have you been checked for asthma? I know that my anxiety is one of the worst triggers for my asthma, and a panic attack leading to an asthma attack creates this cycle of panic and breathlessness that really isn't good. I'd recommend just making sure of that, if you can.

If you're having a panic attack that affects your breathing, try to remove yourself from any sources of panic (for example, if it's an annoying but not dangerous or warning noise, like a ticking clock, cover your ears or go to another room) and just focus on getting your breathing in order.

At 8:05 in this video, the Anxiety character runs over a breathing exercise with Thomas that you can repeat to get your breathing in order: https://youtu.be/wr17Kq5bmtI

Also, I do recommend that entire series: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYA7DZ_sbUzvB1l6KsO5LZV2rrk2u1xl4

While viewing parts of yourself as different, separate entities isn't necessarily good for you if taken to the extreme (in fact that can be detrimental), viewing a side of yourself as something with a more complex array of causal factors and a need for your care and compassion is actually really really helpful, and Thomas handles explaining things really tactfully (there's also quite a bit of advice scattered amidst various episodes about dealing with anxiety).

I saw a post on here about viewing your anxiety as something that's afraid and needs your love and calming, and I do try to view it somewhat like that - like, I try not to think of it as a corruption in my brain that's attacking me, but more like a part of me that's scared and that I need to care for and work to understand.

Because of my agoraphobia, being outside is really hard on my anxiety - everything in my head just becomes a fuzzy mush as soon as I step out of my front door, it's like a half-dissociated state where I feel like I'm mostly on auto-pilot because I'm too confused and stressed to really concentrate on anything that I'm doing, and sometimes I'll do really stupid things (like pick up entirely the wrong shopping) because I'm too inside my panicked thoughts to actually pay attention to what my body is doing. Other times I can get so panicked that I collapse when I'm outside.

If I'm at home alone and I get super anxious, irritable, or angry (or some combination therein) - I'll often put on really loud and really angry music, and work through the emotions in a daydream instead. Marilyn Manson has been my choice of artist over the last few days, but it varies... Combichrist, Angelspit, Aesthetic Perfection, Rammstein, Otep, Metallica, Mindless Self Indulgence, that sort of thing. I used to shut myself in this really small cupboard, but I've taken to just hiding under a duvet lately because that's way more comfortable and easier on the joints. Then I'll usually daydream about a scenario in which I can just violently beat on something to the music (zombie apocalypse, superhero battle, that sort of thing).

There's more kinds of anxiousness and more weird personal coping mechanisms that I have, but I don't particularly know how helpful those would be to talk about here, to be honest. Some of them (like the intensity of the daydreams because of MaDD, or the fact that I have DID so sometimes stress will trigger a switch) aren't so much implementable coping mechanisms as they are my brain just glitching itself into somehow working with its abysmal circuitry. Others of them (like if I'm trying to deal with the anxiousness from psychosis or intrusive thoughts) aren't always the healthiest or safest coping mechanisms.

I think if you're alone and having a panic attack, the first thing to do is to get away from any physical sources of anxiety and focus on getting your breathing back to normal. You won't die - try not to add those concerns to the already too large pile of worries.

Then, once your breathing is more steady and you can keep that up, try some grounding techniques - hugging a pet or a teddy bear, stroking the fur/material, repeating some positive affirmations ("It's going to be okay, I'm okay, I'm safe" sorts of things), and keeping your breathing steady. Counting something like beads on a bracelet can be really helpful.

If there's something that you have to deal with immediately, then get that over with as quickly as possible (for example, if there's a spider that's caused the panic attack, kill it, remove it, or cover it with a bowl/cup as quickly as you can). Then repeat any calming techniques as necessary.

If you like maths or a TV show or something, then there might be something else that you could say/do to distract and calm your mind - I sometimes do maths equations in my head if I feel an oncoming panic attack (for example, 1+1 is 2, 2+2 is 4, 4+4 is 8, 8+8 is 16, 16+16 is 32, and on and on in that pattern, because it's a progression that gets more difficult as it goes along so it eases me into being distracted), but some people might sing a song from their favourite video game, or repeat a particularly long quote that a favourite character says, or something like that.

After that, distractions can be good for a little while - watching a half an hour TV show, listening to music, playing a video game, or something that requires just enough concentration to keep you gripped but not enough to be a strain - don't rush yourself into trying to think and plan, just relax but don't give yourself space to overthink. I've also found that cleaning my teeth is good for that - I clench my jaw a lot when I'm panicking, so cleaning my teeth for a few minutes really helps with the pain that causes.

There's also learning mindfulness techniques - but that's a process, it's not something that you can necessarily just implement tomorrow. It's definitely worth researching and worth considering as a more long-term solution. Being able to neutrally observe emotions and situations, to listen to the worries in your mind non-judgmentally, and so on, can be really good for maintaining a calm state and for actually tackling some of the causes of the panic.

Similarly, talking to a professional is an important long-term solution.

A warm drink also really helps me after the panic has died down - preferably something without caffeine and with marshmallows.

I know some people who've decorated little shoeboxes with wrapping paper and filled them with calming and comforting objects - textures that help with grounding, fond memories in photograph form, cute toys or teddies, positive quotes, or whatever helps them feel good. When they're anxious, they go to the shoebox and look through it for a little while until they feel better.

Honestly though, there are times when it just kind of feels like I have to remind myself that the panic won't last forever, and wait it out, and then work on getting myself back together after it's over - if I keep trying to fight it and worrying about it, then that only adds more strain. The music really helps with that, with just kind of accepting that I'm feeling things and that I'm going to feel them for a bit, but then they're going to go away and I can get up and have a warm drink and watch some mindless TV and start to feel like myself again.

I know that some people are helped by phoning a loved one and talking it through with them - but since phone calls themselves can be a source of anxiety (they are for me, given all of my issues with my voice and speaking at all), I don't know how effective that would be for you.

I hope that there was something in there that helped! I've been awake for about twenty-two hours now, and I've barely had any sleep for the last few nights, so I'm sorry if exhaustion means that I'm not at my best lately.

~ Vape

#Mod Vaporeon #anxiety tw

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lovewavesxx · 7 years ago

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Love Waves – EP 11 – Gravitational Pulllse

October 30, 2017

“You've got this Gravitational Pulllse. –E xx.”

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/2Llf67GeeMOMLTUtL2VY6n

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/love-waves-ep-11-gravitational-pulllse/idpl.u-4Jom5zbIjBX3Rv

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwEZgDEorNRT4tbMTKqo5iUtmEdAMfRxZ

I highly recommend watching some of these music videos. You can do that by clicking the underlined titles or clicking the YouTube link above.

1. Ty Dolla $ign – All The Time

2. Belly – Lullaby

3. SZA – Babylon (feat. Kendrick Lamar)

4. Marc E. Bassy – Black Jeep

5. Jhené Aiko – While We’re Young

6. H.E.R. – Lights On

7. dsvn – Think About Me

8. Rick Ross – Maybach Music V (feat. DeJ Loaf)

9. Mike WiLL Made-It – Aries (feat. Pharrell & Station Wagon P)

10. Dylan Matthew – Now or Later

11. Ryan Oaks – Time to Kill

12. Lupe Fiasco – Pick Up the Phone

13. Austin Awake – What I Need

14. Frank Ocean – Thinkin Bout You

15. Snoh Aalegra – You Keep Me Waiting (feat. Vic Mensa)

16. Drake – Marvins Room

Click here for my Spotify profile

Click here for my Apple Music profile

https://ericajones10.sarahah.com/

Click here for my twitter @ericajones1010

Playlist Description:

Before I start, S/O to Adam and Kayla for once again giving me their input on the new Love Waves artwork. It’s wild how one of my ideas can get transformed into something even better with their help. I love them both very much. Thank you bbb and bbg. <3 <3 Also, the audio waves behind the heart is literally my voice saying the words “Love Waves” in five different emotions/tones. Wild, crazy, detail stuff, right?

Today has been really rough. I am really late getting this episode out, and as I write this I am going to try my damndest to stay on topic. Bare with me if I swerve a little.

The inspiration for this playlist came from another playlist I started solely because of the song All The Time by Ty Dolla $ign. It only came out a few days ago, but that is my favorite song off of his Beach House 3 album, but the whole project is pretty solid to be honest.

So why the name Gravitational Pulllse?

gravitational grav·i·ta·tion·al 2. denoting a forceful attraction or movement toward something.

pull /po͝ol/ 2. a force drawing someone or something in a particular direction or course of action.

pulse pəls/ 2. a single vibration or short burst of sound, electric current, light, or other wave.

The word gravitational came from something Adam said to me last week. We were joking around and I said I was behind Kayla while she was in line at Starbucks. I said, “Oh I see you. Turn around. I’m waving.” Adam gently shot back something along to the lines of, “No, I know you aren’t here because I don’t feel your gravitational pull.” What. A. Dick. Jk haha.

After hearing All The Time, I got to thinking about songs that pull me in. Songs I’m just drawn to. That’s where the first playlist started.

Then I got to thinking about the pulse of music and the pulse of my own heart. That led me to thinking about how pulses from music draw my heart into them, and how I get attached to certain songs.

The reason for the three l’s is because I wanted people to distinctly know I am actively emphasizing the word Pulllse because it has a double meaning in this name. It’s the way my pulse gets pulled or pushed towards something or someone. “You've got this Gravitational Pulllse.” You’ve got me drawn in and hooked. Other times it’s me pulling that object or person in.

I find connections and the power they have over our being to be quite interesting. In many cases those are positive situations and in other cases those situations are not quite so great, but we stick around anyways despite the drawbacks.

I wrote something last week that really stuck with me. You can click here to read it, and if you’d like to leave comments, then go for it. I suppose it’s about connection. A connection with my head, and how others influence me.

I’ll end the overall description with this. Today, while filling my car up with gas I heard someone say, “We’re all here just dying together,” while they were waiting to pay at the little booth thingy at Dillons. That shit blew my mind. I never really thought much about that aspect. I always focus on how we’re all living together right now, but damn, we’re also dying too. That phrase makes me think about how we spend the time we do have right now with ourselves and with people. Why do we spend our time in toxic situations? Why can’t we let go? Why don’t we actively do what is genuinely the best for us? To be honest, I have no fucking clue, but it got me thinking. Hopefully this gets you thinking. And don’t worry, I’m not saying I’m perfect. One of my mottos since I was sixteen has been, “I’m fucked up, but in a manageable way.” Now if that ain’t the truth I don’t know what is. :)

Song Descriptions:

The aim of this week’s playlist was to throw in a lot of new music.

Lullaby by Belly is the very first and most likely the last song to ever repeat in my Love Waves series. It also appeared in EP 10, which was purely created from other people’s song suggestions. There are a few lines that seriously hit my head and my heart.

Babylon by SZA featuring Kendrick Lamar IS A MUST LISTEN. Seriously, listen to this song, watch the music video, and read the meaning of the lyrics. I’ve been obsessed with this song and it was part of my inspiration for what I wrote and told you to read above.

Click here to watch the official music video by Babylon by SZA

Click here to read the lyrics and meaning of Babylon by SZA featuring Kendrick Lamar

At first I wasn’t super into Black Jeep by Marc E. Bassy, but after getting it into a flow that I really like, I’ve been listening to is a lot this past week or so.

While We’re Young by Jhené Aiko is definitely a late night song. You’ll understand what I mean if you listen to it under the moon’s light. Also, the music video reminds me of the movie 50 First Dates.

Maybach Music V and Aries both came out earlier this year. I think they were in my S3nD Nud3s 2.0 playlist, but if I put one somewhere the other has to go with it. It’s just a flow thing.

Dylan Matthew just released a new EP titled Only up from Here. Check that and him out.

Time to Kill by Ryan Oaks. That is the best song off of his project Out of Patience.

Low kii I used to sleep on Lupe’s DROGAS Light, but I’ve been listening to it recently. Pick Up the Phone is my favorite so far.

What I Need by Austin Awake is another song that’s good for those late, overthinking, sad shit hours.

Thinkin Bout You by Frank is always a good song. Issa classic bb.

You Keep Me Waiting by Snoh Aalegra is brand new. She just released her album FEELS a few days ago. She’s got Logic on a song too, but this one is my favorite. The vibe reminds me of music from the movie Baby Driver. :)

Marvins Room by Drake. That feel. RT.

That’s all I have for you this week. Get in touch with my via the links below and send me some good tunes if you feel the need to.

Click here for my Spotify profile

Click here for my Apple Music profile

https://ericajones10.sarahah.com/

Click here for my twitter @ericajones1010

Love,

-E xx.

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lovewavesxx · 7 years ago

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Love Waves – EP 9 – Pink Pillows

October 16, 2017

“A few thoughts from Pink Pillows. –E xx.”

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/6iBQ8u16X0qim0ypl7Yb48

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/love-waves-ep-9-pink-pillows/idpl.u-55D6lDlHx9Xkmj

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwEZgDEorNRRItkk7C4ZD6enbIpcYm-Iz

This week’s playlist flow is ridic (ulous, if you must be lame and make me spell the whole word instead of attempting to be hip). Leave yo shuffle off bb.

1. mansionz – Wicked (feat. G-Eazy)

2. The 1975 – Girls

3. Rihanna – You da One

4. Kiiara – Wishlist

5. Travis Scott – Butterfly Effect

6. Ghosted – Get Some (feat. Kamille)

7. Neon Trees – Sleeping With a Friend

8. Marty Grimes – Make It Back

9. Marc E. Bassy – Plot Twist (feat. Kyle)

10. Lauv – Reforget

11. Humble the Poet – H.A.I.R.

12. Daniel Caesar – Take Me Away (feat. Syd)

13. Halsey – Bad at Love

14. Julia Michaels – Issues (Alan Walker Remix)

15. Prince Fox – I Don’t Wanna Love You (feat. Melody Noel) [Adam York Remix]

16. Khalil – No Coincidence

17. Jhené Aiko – OLLA (Only Lovers Left Alive) [feat. TWENTY88]

******I NEED YOUR HELP WITH LOVE WAVES EP 10!!! AS A WAY TO CELEBRATE MAKING IT THIS FAR I WANT THE 10TH EPISODE TO BE ONLY MUSIC FROM OTHER PEOPLE. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SEND ME THE NAME OF A SONG OR SONGS WITH THE ARTIST’S NAME VIA ANYWAY POSSIBLE, OR BY CLICKING THIS PARAGRAPH, AND SUBMITTING YOUR SONG. I WILL TAKE ALL THE MUSIC I COLLECT FROM PEOPLE TO CREATE EP 10’S FLOW. IF YOU’D LIKE, YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR SUBMISSION, AND I WILL PUT YOUR NAME IN EP 10’S POST AS WELL SO YOU GET CREDIT! THIS IS JUST MY WAY OF SAYING THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING LOVE WAVES AND HOPEFULLY GETTING PEOPLE INVOLVED IN SHARING SOME GOOD SHT! xx.******

https://ericajones10.sarahah.com/

Click here for my twitter @ericajones1010

Also, if you have a Spotify or Apple Music account I would love to follow you and most likely creep on your playlists. Somehow get me your profile link, send me a playlist, or let me know your username. Click here for my Spotify profile Click here for my Apple Music profile

Playlist Description:

Some of my best thoughts come while my head is lying on my pink pillow. Some of my worst thoughts come while my head is lying on my pink pillow. Everything in between is noise, but to be honest, it’s all just noise.

I never really thought much about how an inanimate object could be privy to some of the most important moments in my reality or just in my mind—those moments alone or sometimes with another person.

While in college some of my favorite times were when my closest friends and I were just laying in my room talking about everything, and nothing, while listening to music. They’d be on my bed and I’d be lying on the ground staring at my ceiling fan or on my futon. At times these positions varied, but you get the point.

There were nights I’d shove my face in that pink pillow to cry. There were times I’d hug that pink pillow wishing it was a human body, but it was 1:34 in the morning, and a pillow is what was closest to me. There were days I would pull myself out of bed to go to work and class and when I would return to my room that pink pillow was the first thing I’d see upon arrival.

Some of my best words have been inspired at times my head was on that pink pillow. Some of the best scenarios my head has created were while it was on that pink pillow. I see myself in different situations and places, sometimes alone and sometimes not, while lying on that pink pillow. (I don’t really know what to call the things I write because in my head they sound like songs and I don’t know if they’re considered poetry so I usually just call them words.)

This playlist stems from all of the hours I’ve spent thinking about what I have done, would’ve done differently, hope to do, and will actually do. I think a lot about my own future and where or what I’d like to do, and I also tend to think a lot about who I have or want to be by my side during those moments.

I think a lot about the people I care for and love. I think about the moments that have passed by and tasted so sweet, but I didn’t realize how precious they were. I think about the lines on my friends’ and family’s faces as their eyes lit up while they smiled or laughed too hard at something dumb I said or did. I think about what it felt like while we hugged. Where were your hands? Were your eyes closed like mine were? I didn’t want to let go, but I did. Did I hold on too long? Oh well, it’s over now. I hope I get to hold you again, but I just don’t know anymore. At times, I wonder if my effort or feelings will ever be returned, but it’s been long enough I think. People usually move on by now. “He didn’t seem excited to see you.” What’s wrong with me? Do you love me? Will you ever grow to love me? Am I wasting my time? Are you wasting your time? I think you forgot about me again. I fucked up. Have you fucked up? Would you tell me again if you did? Should I tell you I did? Would it hurt you? Would you even care? Probably not. Will we ever really talk again? I mean really talk again. Like we did on FaceTime that one day I didn’t know you were going to say anything. I thought about telling you I loved you about 80 billion times, but I didn’t. I’ve known since December, but it can wait. It’ll fade. I’m sure of it. You’ll fade. I’m sure of it. That was still a great moment with you. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I’m kind of scared right now. This sht wasn’t supposed to happen, and what if I fall in love with him? I’m so scared right now. I don’t know how to be cool. To play this cool. I just need to find a distraction from this distraction. I need to stop thinking about this right now. Next paragraph.

My pink pillow has been the resting place for much of the good and bad that is in my life. That’s crazy to think about, right?! It’s just a freakin’ pillow. Yet, at the same time it is a constant in the evolution of who I have been, currently am, and strive to become.

Yoo this is was some overthinking sht at it’s finest. :)

Song Explanations:

Wicked by Mansionz featuring G was actually not one of my favorite songs from their album for the longest time. There’s this line G says and it just would make me feel upset and so I dismissed the whole song. I didn’t want to listen to it. Recently, I’ve really started liking this song. I also feel kind of bad because in some ways I am very much like that girl they are singing about. I’m sorry in advance. I hate me too. :)

THE 1975 IS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE BAND. It takes a lot of effort for me to not put them in most Love Waves playlists. I think Girls fits perfectly with the theme and flow of this week’s comp sooooo in it went. SUCH a tune.

Wishlist is a song Kiiara literally just released a few days ago. My favorite line is, “I’ll pour the gasoline on your halo.” I’d say I am an angel or positive with good behavior about 98% of the time, but that 2% can be dangerous. It gets more dangerous when I’m with someone equally mischievous. It’s like we feed off of each other’s energy and actions.

Get Some by Ghosted featuring Kamille is a song my friend Adam sent me weeks ago. It sounds all innocent and dancy until you actually listen to the words and you’re like, “Wut tha actual phuq?” It cracks me up, but it also fits the theme. I also highly recommend the music video because you would think it’s going to be a certain way BUT the entire video is not at all what I expected.

Click here to watch the official music video for Get Some by Ghosted

Ayyyy Marty Grimes with the new release titled Cold Pizza. Make It Back is my favorite song right now off of that album. “Seeing things without you ain’t the same.” There are times in my life I wish I had you by my side. Your presence would make this song better, it would make the lighting look better, it would make these breaths I’m taking taste better, it would make me feel better, but sometimes that’s life. You learn to deal with all the moments that will never be.

Plot Twist by Marc E. Bassy featuring Kyle came out a few months ago, but Marc just released his new album Gossip Columns. Go listen to that sht. Anyways, this song is in here because things happen and all of a sudden there’s a completely unexpected plot twist that happens in your life. Like, right now I can’t tell if mine is good or bad yet and that uncertainty is scaring the living sht out of me at the moment.

“I go out just so I can reforget.” I think Lauv’s song is fairly universal for anyone going through a type of separation from someone in life. I see it all the time when people break up. Newly single people are either too heartbroken to do anything OR they go out and do everything. I completely understand what it’s like to feel and act both ways unfortunately.

Click here to read the lyrics for Reforget by Lauv

I stumbled..across Humble *pause so for intended rhyme to be acknowledged* the poet accidently a few weeks ago, but his song H.A.I.R. is extremely dope and the production feels really original to me. I like his lyrics too.

Brooooooo Take Me Away makes me feel like I’m a feather gently gliding down through the atmosphere and landing on a really brightly scenic area near a beach or maybe in a valley full of different flowers padding the space between two hills during sunset. I really like Syd’s sound too. It’s so feely and jazzy and wonderful. Lyrics and vibe on point bb.

Bad at Love. Retweet.

No Coincidence is nowhere to be found on Spotify and that kind of irked me because it makes the flow on that platform slightly different. This song makes me think about the differences between something or someone being a part of your life by coincidence or by putting effort towards something. You used to be a coincidence, and something that was just there by fate, but now you’re just effort. It’s not easy going anymore. That fact makes me really really think about whether all of that effort is taking away the possibility of something better and less forced being a part of my life. I don’t know. Then again we’re the masters sticking it out during our phases. That’s just something I thought about while writing this.

Click here to listen to No Coincidence by Khalil on YouTube

OLLA by Jhené is off of her album Trip. That project is a lot to digest because it’s a double album, but I do highly suggest you give it a listen and also watch the twenty minute film she made to go along with the album. It’s such a unique plotline and executed so well. I like that this song makes me feel like I’m in a disco surrounded by light brown bellbottoms, and pastel tie-dyed clothing, and lights flashing everywhere gently, and everyone seems really at peace, and in the moment together. I see smoke in the air, but I think we both know it’s probably not a fog machine. That’s what I see and feel in my head when I hear this song.

Right now I feel really tapped out from writing and thinking about all of this. Imma just end it now.

Love,

-E xx.

p.s. Don’t forget to participate in EP 10 by clicking here to leave me some music! :)

#comp playlist #marty grimes #marc e bassy #jhene aiko #the 1975 #mansionz #g eazy #neon trees #ghosted #kiiara #daniel caesar #halsey #lauv #rihanna #travis scott

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