#and that when he's around hannibal the black & white of the world fades into pure grey and morality becomes a question rather than a law

[truempathy]

what does will feel for hannibal

RMMBER HOW I SAID I’D GO TO BED …. i saw this ask and dragged my tired trash ass outta bed

it’s … complicated. will, for hannibal, feels … a lot. he feels wariness – rightfully so – because he knows what hannibal is, what he does. he feels irritation for how hannibal always plants himself in will’s life, tries to take everything will has away from him so that only hannibal and hannibal alone remains. fostering codependency, he called it once. he feels a connection. a deep one, from knowing how hannibal works on the inside, from understanding what hannibal is and who he is in ways literally no one else does. he knows that hannibal bared himself for will, that it’s not something hannibal does to anyone, and that, fucked up as they were, hannibal gave will gifts. gifts that will usually didn’t want — gifts that, usually, involved the lovely experience of taking someone’s life — but gifts nonetheless because will, deep down, appreciated it. wanted it. will understands hannibal like hannibal understands him. 

hannibal understands him better than he understands himself, actually, in some regards. he “helped” will realize what he wanted to do in season 2, helped him “come into himself” so to speak. it wasn’t something will was necessarily comfortable with, or something he’s comfortable with still even now, but it was the truth and will appreciated it, fucked up as it is. he’d probably never admit it, because he’d feel guilty about it, feel disgusted at himself for it, but hannibal in his own fucked up way was trying to help will. just not in a positive, selfless, caring way.

he doesn’t trust hannibal. will’s not stupid enough to. he knows hannibal cares for him, he knows hannibal loves him, but will doesn’t trust hannibal. and, despite the finale – in LIGHT of the finale – will doesn’t trust that hannibal won’t try to manipulate him, persuade him into killing more people. because will knows hannibal will try to make him. will knows that if he’s around hannibal he’s going to. hannibal brings out the worst in him. it’s hard to trust someone who used you, manipulated you, killed people you cared about, tried to kill others you cared about, and just kills in general with little regard or care for the people around him. will’s under no illusions that hannibal is a good man, or a good person. 

more than likely, will’s always going to be on his guard with hannibal. he’s always going to be torn between turning hannibal in, killing hannibal himself, or giving in to what hannibal wants for them both. will is always going to be at war with his own morality, and he’s never going to be comfortable with hannibal’s cannibalism, or how he manipulates others just because he can. will’s always going to know that hannibal might try something to push will, force him to kill again, that will might end up trying to kill hannibal sometime down the line in response. but he’s also going to always, deep down, think and dream about what he wants, and how hannibal can offer that to him. 

funnily enough though, will isn’t scared of hannibal. he knows how the man works, and knows how to manipulate the man if he has to. he’s used to playing a really dangerous game of cat-and-mouse with hannibal, and honestly, it kind of excites will as much as it disgusts him. he’s kind of adopted some of hannibal’s curiosity as his own, the dark kind, the kind where will does stuff to influence actions and see what people’s responses will be. not to the point that hannibal does it, nowhere close to that, and not very often, but it’s happened enough that it’s not something will can deny about himself or pretend doesn’t exist inside of him anymore.

but will still feels drawn to hannibal. dangerously so. he has to force himself away from his old life, away from his old house, his old friends, away from hannibal himself, so he’s not tempted to see hannibal again, to speak to him. he knows what he and hannibal have going on is unhealthy, toxic, dangerous. literally dangerous. people’s lives have been ruined, people have died because of how they were around each other, because of how they goaded each other into becoming more extreme, more confident. 

but despite will’s reservations and his lack of proclivity for cold blooded murder or cannibalism, will still wants to be with hannibal. he wants to learn more about himself from hannibal, wants to see what else he can do. he knows that hannibal accepts who he is — all parts of him, including (especially) the parts of him that will himself hates — and the knowledge of being understood by someone like that so intimately and completely is a tempting one. 

it’s literally making a deal with the devil in will’s mind, except it feels more like there’s no way out of it, and regardless of whether or not will accepts or denies the offer, he’s damned either way. hannibal has changed will, irrevocably, irreparably, forever. the will of now is not the same will that existed back before he knew hannibal. he kind of hates hannibal for that, but he also really doesn’t, because he knows he’s changed hannibal too. and that’s just kind of the gist of it isn’t it? they’ve kind of twisted themselves around each other to the point where it’s hard to tell where one of them starts and the other ends. they’re both such big influences on each other. it’s a waltz that only the two of them really know how to dance. he feels love for hannibal, too, in his own way. it’s not necessarily sexual or romantic, but it’s definitely not platonic or familial either. it’s not really explainable in any proper words. a love for hannibal exists within will, but i don’t think it’s the kind of love that hannibal has for will, simply because hannibal accepts who he is, and accepts who will is and what he could be, whereas will refuses to be completely comfortable with what they are together, what he is around hannibal. he didn’t really consider the idea that hannibal could be in love with him either up until , well , he found out hannibal was, lol. i think will would think about that quite a lot afterwards.

will doesn’t want to be a killer, a murderer, someone who kills people just for fun. he also doesn’t want to be the man who sleeps with the devil, who lets him kill and doesn’t stop him. the blood on hannibal’s hands might as well be blood on his hands because of the part that he’s had to play in all of it. but it’s also hard to imagine not being with hannibal. i mean, he tries, oh does he try, and he tries to convince himself he can break whatever it is between them. will found happiness away from hannibal – he had a family, and a life, and he was happy. but i think will knows that as happy and comfortable as he is away from hannibal, he’ll never really feel … satisfied? or whole. hannibal gives him that satisfaction.

hannibal has given will a lot. he’s taken a lot away from him too. a lot more than he’s giving. it feels sometimes like what hannibal has given him outweighs what he’s taken, though. i mean, listen, the fact that even after hannibal : manipulated him, made him question his sanity and reality, landed him in a mental hospital for the criminally insane, pinned his multiple murders on him, made him believed he killed abigail and ate her ear, made will kill other people, had will’s unborn baby killed, tried to have will’s FAMILY killed, killed beverly, tried to kill will’s other friends …. and will STILL feels connected to hannibal and drawn to him, of his own free will … kind of shows that will is kind of just as much fucked up as hannibal. not in the same ways, not to the same extent, but still. it’s not stockholm syndrome, or quiet manipulation, or gaslighting. not at this point. will knows EXACTLY what hannibal is, what he does, what he’s like. will knows this, and understands it, to an almost personal level. will can’t stand it, but he also can’t stand to be away from it.

so, will is just basically in an endless teeter-totter of wanting to be around hannibal, to continue this unhealthy thing they have with one another, and ripping himself away and locking hannibal up for the good of himself and everyone else.

[sunreddreamer]

Secret Santa

Here’s my gift for http://mochibuni.tumblr.com 

A Soldier He’s Proud of

Shifts of moonlight fell through the crystal ceiling. The ballroom was crowded with noise of small talk and waltz music. Many couples in fancy clothes danced following the music, ignoring the cat in the balcony ignoring the scene.

Artemis stood there almost part of the night, melting in the background. He was watching the room with an uncomfortable sense of having stepped into an old memory. It was like watching the Silver Millennium come to life all over again.

But tonight he couldn’t afford to be nostalgic, not in the middle of a mission.

He easily spotted the woman. Black hair, bright blue eyes, beautiful, and according to Mercury’s report deadly.

Lady Christine Fortmeé looking striking in her deep blue designer dress smirked cruelly before approaching a petite blonde.

Artemis rolled his eyes. Villans always did that evil smirk thing, perhaps they couldn’t help it.

And there, in a pure white dress was her, shining as brightly as the moon that night stood princess Serenity. An old bald man with a prominent belly had an arm around her shoulder whispering things on her ear. By the alarmed look on her face, Artemis guessed it was something along the lines of… well whatever pervert things that perverted old drunk men said this days to girls that could very well be their daughters or ugh granddaughters.

Will he have to intervene?, he hoped not, that could blow up his cover of innocent-cat-liking-his-paws-minding-his-own-business-that-just-happens-to-be-in-a-fancy-party-in-honor-of-her-Royal-Highness-and-soon-to-be-queen-Serenity.  Fortunately for him Lady Fortmeé approached them answering to the princess silent plead for help.

“Now, now Lord Kensington, you’re monopolizing her Royal Highness. I’m afraid I will have to steal her, there are many guest tonight that are eager to meet the princess”.

“Nonsense Fortmeé!, we’re having the most delightful chit-chat about about beautiful dresses and dressing dresses and undressing dresses” The man said in a drunken slur.

The princess nervously grabbed one of her twin long traces of hair looking almost ashamed to the floor trying to avoid the pervert look Lord Kensington was throwing at her.

“Oh Alfred! I’m sure your wife will be thrilled to know about this dresses, should I call her?”

That phrase did the trick. A few minutes after Lady Fortmeé had managed to drag the princess to the balcony where Artemis just happened to be. The cat smirked internally. Now this was a first row.

“Sorry dear, Lord Kensington can be a real bother when he drinks. Did he say or do anything inappropriate?”.

Serenity giggled lightly, a light blush coloring her cheeks. “I think he was trying to be nice… you know in his own way”.

“Dear goodness, you’re too good for this world. You really can’t say anything bad about anyone, can you?”.  Serenity smiled shyly, starting to groom her hair with her fingers.

Noticing the nervous habit, the woman smirked creepily again. Artemis noticed that the way she gazed at the princess made her look like a predator playing with his prey before making the final stroke. Yep that woman was just creepy, and Serenity looked completely oblivious to it.  

“Sweet, sweet princess, so innocent. You really don’t realize the effect you have on people. I think half of the men in this room are already in love with you”.  Said the woman tracing with one of her nails the bottom lip of the younger girl almost, almost too roughly.

Yikes. Artemis couldn’t conceive how all this people couldn’t see how obviously evil this woman was. I mean Hello? Hannibal, The Joker, Regina George … any movie with a villain ever?

Even without Mercury’s investigation he could clearly tell this woman was textbook evil. But apparently that was obvious to anybody but him.

Serenity’s eyes widened, with an alarming look she shook her head furiously. “Of course not, I mean I’m not... I’m nothing like you… beautiful and sophisticated and…”  The woman silenced her putting one of her long fingers in her lips. “Shhhhhhhhh, princess you just don’t realize the power you have, to attract, to lure, to... manipulate”.

Artemis snorted. Lady Fortmeé looked at his direction alarmed. Oh shit, time to look like a cat Artemis. Think, think! What would a cat do in this situation? Ah yes yes!

“Meow”

“But I would never do that!” Serenity said almost too loudly getting back the woman’s attention. “Manipulate people I mean”.

Lady Fortmeé smiled at her condescendingly. “Of course not sweetheart. That’s why I say you’re just too good for this world. And perhaps that’s the reason my brother is so mesmerized by you”.

Aaaaaaaand here we go the brother.

Serenity blushed furiously. “Your brother, he’s here?!” Lady Fortmeé smiled pleased. “Oh yes dear, he asked me to deliver a message: Meet me in the gardens in fifteen minutes”.

“Should… should I go?” The princess said, the perfect mix between hopeful and hesitant.

“Of course!, don’t make him wait. He’s very nervous you know? he wants to ask you something”.

Artemis rolled her eyes for the twentieth time that night. This was way too easy. Spoiler alert!: the creepy brothers are plotting against you. He’s going to ask you to marry him so he can be crown king, steal the silver crystal or both.

“Ask me something? what is it?” Serenity said frowning in confusion, the picture of innocence.

Scratch that. Artemis rolled her eyes for the twenty first time that night.

“I don’t want to ruin the surprise, just know that tomorrow is going to be a great day for you, for my brother, for me, for all of us”. Lifting lightly the princess chin, Lady Fortmeé kissed her softly on the forehead, right in the moon shaped birthmark, symbol of her royal lineage.

“See you tomorrow sweet princess”.

And then she left, completely ignoring the white cat that observed her with a penetrating gaze.

Precisely fifteen minutes later well hidden in the bushes of the gardens Artemis saw clearly how a young man approached slowly to the young blonde woman he was supposed to look after tonight.

“Serenity!” He called her. With a little scream of glee, the princess run after him. Throwing herself at his arms, letting herself be engulfed in a tight embrace.

“My prince”. She greeted him with a tender contemplation.

And that’s the brother. Artemis whispered in his hiding spot.

“I missed you, my princess”. He dressed in a smart black suit. Tall and handsome, not only handsome, Calvin Klein underwear model handsome.

“I missed you more Christian”. Artemis noticed that he had a striking resemblance to his sister, except for his dirty blonde hair.  

They kissed, it was short and chaste, still Artemis felt the urge to barf.

“Your sister told me you wanted to ask me something”.

Ah!, there it was. An opening. Was that guilt in his eyes?

“Yes! I, I do… come”. He grabbed her by the hand, and then he knelt before her.

“Serenity, I never imagined that one day I could meet someone like you. For me this is like a dream. When you unleashed the power of the Silver Crystal saving us all after the great catastrophe all those months ago, you gave this world hope, light, a second chance to build a better world.

I remember when I first saw you on t.v for the first time, you were so young, and yet so pure, so powerful, so perfect. I didn’t believed in love at first sight but it was Serenity it was, you finished me with just one look.

But you were so far away, out of my reach, you were a goddess and I was just a mere mortal. I didn’t dare to hope… but then it happened, thank god for my sister position in the old french government. The meetings with all the world’s leaders started and she was one of the lucky ones selected to start the dialogues with you. And then I met you and I understood that you were more than a goddess you were a girl, you were kind and good and sensitive, you are just so good. And I fell in love all over again. I don’t know why because I know I don’t deserve you but you fell for me too.  Next month they are going to crown you Serenity, you are going to rule this world. I mean you’re going to be Queen of the  world for fuck’s sake. And I’m afraid. Afraid that you will leave me behind, afraid that you will forget me.

So please, please, please, before that happens, sweet princess. Accept my hand in marriage.  

Wow well, that was a confession. Artemis saw the princess face, she had started sobbing in the middle of the speech. Tears of sadness and happiness ran freely down her cheeks. She knelt and hugged him like her life depended on it.

“I could never, never forget you Christian… I yes! yes! yes! I want to marry you” Laughing he lift her up, spinning her, kissing every space on her face, drying her tears. Then they engaged in heated passionate kiss.

Now Artemis wanted to barf. Ugh, disgusting. One can only live with a certain amount of clichés in a lifetime.

“Then tomorrow. I don’t want a show, a great party, the press, I just want you. Let’s marry tomorrow just you, me and some witnesses in a little church. Please say yes”.

“Yes! Christian, I’d marry you right now, tonight in jeans if you want, I don’t care, I just want to be with you. I want to be with you, be officially yours, your Serenity before I become Queen Serenity”.

“Very well my love, don’t worry about anything, my sister… Christine is going to help us. Leave everything to us. Tomorrow at eight we’ll pick you at the hotel. Don’t worry you just need to be there”.

“Ok, I’d be worry if it was just you, but I trust your sister enough to know she’s going to pick the perfect dress for me”. She said teasing.

Christian laughed and kissed one last time. “Then I’ll leave you now, I have to tell my sister, there’s a lot of things we have to plan”. And with promises about a bright tomorrow he left.

When he was completely out of sight, her lovestruck smile faded being replaced by a smug one.

“So, what do think Artemis?”

The cat came out faking choking noises. “I think I’m going to be sick Minako.  Yikes, I think his tongue was in your throat. Did you really had to kiss him like that?”.

“Mmmmmmm no, not really. But he’s super hot so why not?”.

“He’s literally trying to kill you”

“Still hot”

Artemis rolled his eyes for the one hundred and fifty time that night. “Whatever you say Serenity”.

“Well that confirms Mercury’s report”. Minako said, loosening her two buns, realising her blond hair. Then she pulled out the watch she discreetly kept under her gloved hand. “Venus and Artemis here reporting”. She said with a clear voice.

“Venus, this is Mars. How was the party?”

“Beautiful my dear pyro friend, he proposed. We’re marrying tomorrow”. At the other side of the line Mars snorted. “Well that was easy”

“Too easy, nobody can resist my pure-and-oh-so-innocent-but-still-incredibly-hot act” Minako said putting a hand on her forehead in a classic dramatic pose.

“Aha, whatever you say Venus” Said Mars with her classic unimpressed and judgy look.

“Oh hey! hey! is Neptune there?” Mianko was giving little jumps of excitement.

“No, she’s in a meeting with Jupiter and Uranus right now, the catched some members of the Dark Moon Clan terrorist group this morning, lowlifes. They are interrogating them right now, you know wink wink, nudge nudge and quotation marks interrogating them”.

“Awwww they always get all the fun”. Minako said pouting.

“Well you got to make out with the enemy Minako, I don’t know why you’re complaining” Artemis pointed out.

“Ugh! Minako! can you please stop fraternizing with the enemy?”

“I’m not fraternizing, I’m just enjoying the enemy’s body, there’s a big difference there”.

“Aha, whatever you say Venus” Another judgy look. 

“Anyways, as I was saying, Uranus just reported that the Dark Moon members confirmed the identity  of Christian and Christine Fortmeé. That pretty much confirms Mercury’s theory. Couple of radical brothers against the new regime of Crystal Tokyo, they join the bad guys, a.k.a the Dark Moon Clan, plot to kill Serenity, trying to make her fall in love with the boy, steal the Silver Crystal, murder her bla bla bla. But of course they were not expecting…”

“Moi, and my superior acting skills” .

“Yep. Tomorrow in your wedding, the high ranks of the Dark Moon Clan are going to arrive, and we’ll all be there ready for the fight. And ta-dah! Goodbye Serenity’s assassination plan”.

“Cool, then see you tomorrow Mars. Just… please be early or I’m going to get kill by my sister-in-law and her evil bosses!”. Trying to act as casual as possible and failing.

“Don’t be silly Minako! We’ll be there, just in time to grab that scum. We’d never leave you alone”. And just like that Mars was gone.

“Not just your sister-in-law. I think your fianceé is trying to kill you too Minako”. Artemis said yawning.

“Nah, not the boy, he really is in love with me”

“Oh? And how do you know”

“I’m the goddess of love. I know that look. That whole confession thing?”.

“Great tears by the way, for a moment there I almost believed you”.

“Well, thank you. The thing is, I think he was not entirely dishonest. Bet you 50 that tomorrow he’s not capable of betraying me, he’s going to do something stupid like jump in front of me and die in the process or something ”.

“Deal. But ouch! that’s going to be a really bad way to go. Poor boy, can you imagine? dying for a women he think he’s in love with that actually was playing him this whole time with her (scarily) amazing acting skills”.

“God Artemis! first you hate him now you’re feeling pity for him?”.

“I never said I hated him, I do pity him”.

“Well do not pity him, he’s the enemy”.

“You did say he is not going to be able to harm you”.

“No, probably not, but he’s still a threat to Usagi, he and all those Dark Moon fanatics. I can’t afford to feel pity for potential threats. And sometimes the best way to destroy potential threats is through their hearts”.

“Wow Minako. You’re a cold woman”. The cat said joking.

“I’m a soldier”. She responded seriously. Artemis sobered up sensing the mood change in her mistress. He climbed on her lap and rested his little head there. 

“Sorry, sometimes I forgot that you’re still a girl. You shouldn’t have to carry all this responsibilities you know? Being a decoy, fights, murder…”.

“Maybe, but it’s my choice. This is what I can do to protect my loved ones you know? My best friends are warriors? I’m happy to fight beside them. My best friend is going to become the queen of the world? I’m happy to be her decoy if that can spare her assassination plots and the disgusting comments of an alcoholic pervert bald buy”. She said winking at him.

Artemis sighed and bow his head. Sometimes he felt really useless. “In that case, I’m really honored to serve at your side My Lady Venus”.