#and that reminded me today is phil's death anniversary

[meikyuunolovers]

There's this article I saw in a YouTube video about the Pretty Things (which is why it's cropped that way)... I can't remember if the full pic is on Defecting Grey or not, I'll try to find it

[philhoffman]

Loving Phil comes as easily to me as breathing. Easier, sometimes. From the first moment we met through the screen. Much like Paul Thomas Anderson, I saw PSH make a single gesture—a little smirk, barely able to restrain his soft smile, intelligent and warm—and fell in love with him. Or, more accurately, I saw him and was overcome by the feeling he was special, that he would be an important person in my life. And now here we are.

I’ve found myself saying the same thing a lot lately—“There are no words,” or something to that effect. The enormity of Phil’s loss, his absence over the last 10 years, is mind-boggling. It’s crushing. There are many great works of art and music and literature and film about grief and loss, warnings about what pain this intense could feel like, but even the masters can only capture a fleeting moment of it. It truly exists beyond words.��

Equally impossible to capture in words is the good, the beautiful, the glimmers of hope and love. It's often beyond mere glimmers—seeing the world through Phil's eyes is a sledgehammer of life. For a few years I've kept a notebook just for my thoughts to him. I was thumbing through it last night and read an entry in which I said the enormity of the happiness I felt since he entered my life was unlike anything I'd experienced before. It's far beyond a crush on an actor, lol. It's—words are failing me—absolutely everything. His films, his soul, his eyes, his community, all the words, the way he's shaped how I see my life, my relationships, my future, my world. I can't overstate it, really. He's stitched into the fabric now, the blood in my veins, his heart beating in my chest, arm around my shoulder. The most important artist and person I've ever known.

So there won’t ever be enough words to fully capture what every frame, every laugh, every freckle, every moment means—but there are a couple words that say enough for now, tonight, 10 years after Phil’s death. Like—I love you. Like—I miss you and I’m sorry and 46 is so, so young. Like—every night and every day, somewhere in the world, someone is watching one of your film’s and laughing or crying or raging or smiling along with you. You said you hoped the art would outlive you, outlive all of us, and it does, it will, and you’re always part of it and with us and remembered.

Like—now having the privilege to know your wonderful family and community, it’s easy to see how you turned out to be such a kind, thoughtful man and generous, passionate artist. Their refrain is true—great actor, even better friend.

Like—countless individuals are in recovery and alive because of you, whether they’re 10 years or 100 days or 1 hour sober. The support you offered friends and strangers during your life, the impact of your death from a drug overdose—I can’t begin to guess how many people you helped, how many even I've spoken to who credit you with helping to save their lives.

What I'm writing now is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to say in my life, I can't stop tearing up. I hope I get it right. This is the 10th anniversary of Phil's death—his life is now a decade away from us in the past, a milestone I've been dreading, a reality that shocks and breaks my heart.

Grief is timeless and endless. There are moments when it hurts just as badly as that first day. But with time, hopefully, that most intense pain bubbles up less often. It comes up on anniversaries, special occasions, when the sunlight and the breeze hit you just right, when little signs and reminders show up—but not every day. I think that's healthy. When I was relatively new to this loss, the pain fresh but I was deep, deep within it, I used to think, "How did anyone who loved him survive? Why aren't we all screaming all the time?" I understand now. Today I fell to the floor and cried and screamed about it—yesterday, too—but I don't every day, not anymore.

The grief is ever-present but it changes. The change hurts. It can feel like a betrayal, like guilt, like abandonment. That's the season of grief I'm in, weird complicated emotions I'm struggling with. I've felt it in my gut ahead of this anniversary and kept it bottled up so tightly, ashamed. "Letting go" are the words that kept coming to mind, but I fucking hate that phrase. I'm not letting go of anything. But tonight I heard from two of the people closest to Phil, who both shared the same feeling that this year is different. That maybe Phil is telling us that it's okay to move forward—not move on, move forward—and find new ways to love and honor and remember him. Let go of the ways that aren't serving us or him anymore. There will always be new ones. He is buried so deep in our hearts, in who we are, that we could never be separated—we will always find him.

In a way, a weight is lifted off my chest. In another way, I've been crying so hard I'm going to be sore tomorrow. Nothing is going to change in my day-to-day, I think. I can't even imagine what would. But this is a new step of our journey, I can feel it in my chest. Of my journey, at least. I'm terrified and hopeful and so, so, so deeply in love and in gratitude with this incredible, larger-than-life, beautiful force of a human who changed the world—the whole world, and my world. Blessed doesn't begin to cover how I feel knowing my life is tied to his, that I'll be learning from him for the rest of my days. I'm still beyond devastated his were cut short so soon.

I love you, Phil. The man, the spirit. Nothing else matters more than that. I love you.

(Oh, and I'll always buy the donuts. For you, for us. Always. I promise.)

[thebadgerclan]

Harry Potter Masterlist 2

FIRST MASTERLIST HERE

** indicates smut

Harry Potter x reader

Self-Critical- After a raid goes wrong, Harry finds solace in your arms and the bath...

Better**- Your plans got rained out, but you don’t mind...

Better Than Treacle**- Better than treacle, now that’s saying something...

Safe Now- When he’s with you, he knows he’s safe...

Secrecy- It has to stay between you, it just does...

On The Line- Harry won’t risk your life...

Wrong Order- Harry doesn’t regret last night at all...

Caught- Sex in your parents’ house isn’t a good idea...

Just Be Yourself- Harry gets some relationship advice from his godfather...

Under The Stars- A warm summer night under the stars...

My Baby- Sometimes, Harry needs to hear how much you love him...

In Time- It doesn’t feel real yet, but it will, in time...

Just Another Teenager- Harry’s just another teenager...

Pretty Damn Cool- Harry teaches you to cast a Patronus...

Hermione Granger x reader

SFW Alphabet

NSFW Alphabet**

Fred Weasley x reader

A Little Bit Of Fun**- Fred decided to have a little fun with you today...

Perfect**- There are so many words to describe your boyfriend...

Sweet- Complementary desserts and diamond rings...

George Weasley x reader

For Years- He’s waited for 2 years, he’ll love you for so many more...

Pay Attention- George can’t seem to pay attention at Order meetings...

SFW Alphabet

NSFW Alphabet**

Flying- You conquer your fear of flying...

Cat and Mouse- George thinks your costume is positively adorable...

Charlie Weasley x reader

Being Married To Charlie HCs

Charlie As A Dad HCs

Domestic Life w/ Charlie HCs

Dating Charlie HCs

Bill Weasley x reader

Being Married To Bill HCs

Smut HCs**

Yet**- You haven’t gone that far yet, but tonight, you will...

Oliver Wood x reader

Mo Leannan- Oliver’s training sessions run late...

The Alchemist- He’s not the best with words, but he’ll tell you how much he loves you every day...

Not A Beater- Oliver isn’t a beater, that’s for damn sure...

Not As Beautiful As You- Oliver takes you to a beautiful waterfall, but it’s not the most beautiful thing there...

Busy Week- You’ve both been so busy and you miss your boyfriend...

Victory**- You help Oliver celebrate after winning the Quidditch Cup...

Tom Riddle x reader

The Only Exception- Tom doesn’t care that you’re muggle born

The Dark Lord and His Dark Lady- While he sometimes doubts, you are his and he is yours...

Anniversary- Yours and Tom’s third anniversary...

Draco Malfoy x reader

A Different Side- Draco can let his walls down around you...

The Price Of Being A Malfoy- You’re everything his family isn’t...

Lucius Malfoy x reader

Real Love- Lucius truly loves you...

Regardless- Lucius doesn’t care what anyone else thinks...

No One Better- He thinks that after all he’s done, you deserve better...

Work Of Art- Your art is the most beautiful he’s ever seen...

Satisfied**- Lucius’ cock always leaves you satisfied...

Whenever You’re Ready- Lucius adores you in every single way, but he’ll wait until you’re ready...

Being Insecure About Small Breasts w/ Lucius**

Heal Your Broken Heart- Your heart’s been broken, but Lucius wants to fix it...

Sex w/ Lucius HCs**

Day Off**- Lucius takes a day off, and spend it teasing you...

Never Felt Like This- Lucius has never felt like this about anyone...

All Yours- Lucius gets jealous, even though you’re all his...

Star- Lucius never realized how famous you are...

I Am Yours- You’re disheartened when you find out that Lucius has mistresses, but he is yours and yours alone...

SFW Alphabet

Watch Yourself**- When you’re feeling down, Lucius shows you just how perfect you are...

NSFW Alphabet** 

Lucius w/ a Virgin Reader HCs**

Lucius Comforting a Sad Reader HCs

Jealous/Possessive Lucius HCs

Ruined News- His actions ruined your good news, not that he’d care at this point...

Kissing HCs

Lunch Break**- You visit Lucius on his lunch break...

Oral HCs**

Pretty Girl**- You like it when Lucius tells you how well you’re doing...

All Of You**- You’re ready to give Lucius all of you...

So Good**- His teasings fell so good, but you need more...

Body Worship HCs**

Lucius As A Soft Dom HCs**

Collar- Picking out your first collar...

Rules**- You broke a rule...

Newt Scamander x reader

Second Niffler- Newt and Phil see your form for the first time...

Never Felt Happier- Newt has never been happier than he is right now...

Sham- Newt will remind as many times as he has to: you are not a sham...

Always Protect You- Newt won’t let anyone or anything hurt you...

Not Always Innocent- Newt always assumes they’re innocent...

A Few Drinks- After a few drinks, Newt has to remind you that you’re together...

Still Like You More- Newt is afraid to take you into the case...

A Fire Burning In My Heart- You feel exactly what the lyrics say...

Trying To Tell You- All week, you’ve tried to tell him...

Racing Hearts- You make his heart race, and he makes yours race...

His Shirt**- Newt can’t resist you, seeing you in his shirt...

That Time Of The Month-Newt takes care of you during your period...

Take Care Of My Baby**- When Newt wakes up hard, you take care of him...

Pretty Kitty- Animagi take on traits of their forms, but Newt doesn’t know about yours...

Lonely- Newt’s been working constantly on his book...

Lost Niffler- A lost niffler leads to a new relationship...

Jealous of the Niffler- He knows it’s silly, but he’s still jealous...

Cedric Diggory x reader

I Know I’m In Love- Cedric had an amazing afternoon...

Make A Move- He knows how you feel, but he’s waiting for you to make the first move...

Back To Her- He was so scared he wouldn’t come back to you...

A Bit Nervous- Cedric’s a bit nervous to ask you to the Yule Ball...

Spicing Things Up**- It might not have been a very productive conversation, but you’ve certainly spiced things up...

Life After- You both dream of a life after the war...

Broom Cupboard- The Head Boy and Girl caught snogging...

NSFW Alphabet**

SFW Alphabet

Here (TW: ABUSE MENTIONS)- Your brother shows up at Hogwarts...

The Golden Boy’s First**- Cedric’s first time...

Neville Longbottom x reader

December Afternoons- A picnic in the snow...

Spin The Bottle- Fred and George introduce a muggle party game...

Soul Marks and Nifflers- He was afraid he’d never find you...

SFW Alphabet

NSFW Alphabet**

Staying In**- The two of you stay in today...

Lily Evans x reader

New Record**- You’ve never done 5 before...

Chilled- Quidditch in the cold...

Oral HCs**

Braids and Patroni- Lily braids your hair while you work on your homework...

Burnt**- You get a bit distracted while Lily’s baking...

Broken Hearts and Friendships- You won’t put her through that stress anymore...

SFW Alphabet

NSFW Alphabet**

James Potter x reader

Dating James HCs

Best/Worst Things About James HCs

Serious James HCs

Domestic Life w/ James HCs

Oral HCs**

Sirius Black x reader

The Man I Fell In Love With**- He’s changed, but he’s still the man you fell in love with...

Got It Bad- Though Gryffindor lost, Sirius is extraordinarily happy...

Home Safe- They both come home that night...

Her First Match- You wouldn’t miss this match for the world

Handsome- You see Sirius shirtless...

Distracted- Your thoughts are anywhere but the meeting...

Part 2: Puppy**- Sirius knows how to please you...

Oral HCs**

Want Him**- He wants you and you want him...

First Christmas After- His first Christmas as a free man...

Take Care Of You**- Sirius needs you to take care of him...

Jealous/Possessive HCs

Blankets- The heat’s out, but you don’t mind...

Sentenced- Halloween night in Godric’s Hollow...

Starlight- Sometimes, Sirius can’t believe he’s really home...

Padfoot’s Lament- Now he’s free, but you are gone...

A Nap, Interrupted**-  Sirius interrupts your nap, but you’re not upset...

My Idiot- Sirius thought it was a good idea to climb the Whomping Willow

Our House, Our Home- Your house doesn’t smell like home, which distresses your Omega...

Picking Out Your Baby’s Name w/ Sirius

Sirius Black Reacting To You Telling Him “I Don’t Date People Prettier Than Me”

Convince Me- He’ll spend the rest of his life convincing you he’s not a player if that’s what you want...

My Good Puppy**- Sirius�� behavior has earned him a reward...

All I Need- You don’t need dates or fancy dinners...

Seconds Away- Death was seconds away from both of you...

Face**- Sirius wants you to sit on his face...

1,095 Days- Three years, and this is how you’re repaid...

SFW Alphabet

A Hero’s Death- Sirius finds out what really happened to Regulus...

Return The Favor**- Sirius’ stamina is a bit low, but you don’t mind...

Can’t Hurt You Here- He doesn’t quite believe it yet, but nothing can hurt him here...

Different Scent- Sirius comes home, but your scent is different...

The Art of Distraction- Sirius is infinitely skilled in the art of distraction...

Hellscape- These raids are dangerous...

Brother’s Best Friend- Dating your brother’s best friend, what could go wrong?

Out In The Open- It’s all out in the open now...

Enjoy The View- You get a glimpse of your man fresh out of the shower...

Failed Exam- He’ll always be there to make you feel better...

Remus Lupin x reader 

Rough and Hard**- As it turns out, Remus isn’t always so tender...

Hurt (platonic)- When you’re hurt on a mission, Sirius jumps to a conclusion...

Vacation**- A week of relaxation...

Dating Remus HCs

Creatures Of The Night- You’ve known since you met...

Best/Worst Things About Remus HCs

Moony’s Needs**- Moony needs you...

Part 2: Pack- You’re part of his pack...

Domestic Life/ Kids w/ Remus HCs

Being Insecure About Small Breasts w/ Remus

Confident, Lycanthropy Accepting Remus HCs

Dating Remus Since 4ht Year & Being Couple Goals HCs

Oral HCs**

The Rest Of Your Life- Graduation’s almost here...

Getting Eaten Out From Behind HCs**

Mornings w/ Kids HCs

Tomorrow Isn’t Promised**- Tomorrow isn’t promised, but right now, you can push those thoughts aside...

Spanking In The Dorms/Prefect’s Bathroom HCs**

Sex At Hogwarts HCs**

Recuperation-Like every month, you care for your lover after the full...

My Forever- You’re his forever, he knows that for certain...

Honeymoon HCs

The Marauders Coming To Visit Your New Baby HCs

Her Big Bad Wolf- The annual Gryffindor Halloween Party...

The Healer’s Day Off- Every month, you take time off to care for you love...

Scents- Your scent changed, and Moony isn’t quite sure why...

Grind**- Remus finds you when you don’t show up for dinner...

The Forest- A trip into the forest gone wrong...

Mine Alone**- He’ll let him watch, but you’re his and his alone...

Pink- It happened with no words...

Nicknames- Remus discovers your new favorite nickname...

Panda In The Forest- This bear definitely doesn’t belong here, but Moony knows who it is...

Vulnerable**-Sometimes, Remus can let himself be vulnerable...

Transformation- Remus is suspicious of how much time you’re spending with Sirius...

Everything To Me- Remus’ insecurities get to him, but you remind him that he is everything to you...

After The Battle- Remus comes to you after the battle...

Your Kiss- The first kiss of many...

Provide For You- You have more than enough money to provide for him...

NSFW Alphabet**

Beautiful Body- After someone comments on your body, Remus helps you feel better...

SFW Alphabet

Months- Remus has liked you for months, but he’s shy...

Professor Lupin’s “Assistant”**- An evening spent between Professor Lupin and his “assistant”...

What You Want To Call Me**- Remus isn’t what you want to call him...

More Pregnant**- Remus know he can’t get you more pregnant, but at the moment, he doesn’t care...

Safe and Loved- After the full moon, Remus needs to feel protected...

Perfect Evening- Your dress might be ruined, but your evening is not...

Dangerous- Even something as simple as going to the store is dangerous now...

His Alpha’s Arms- Remus is overjoyed to be back in his Alpha’s arms...

Battle Scars- His scars are marks of strength...

Interrupted- Yours and Remus’ make out is interrupted...

Trading Jabs- It’s all in good fun...

Quiet Down- The office isn’t warded...

Severus Snape x reader

The Two Of Us- It’s been so long since you’ve had time together...

First Place- He knew you could do it...

Full Marks**- You’ll do anything to raise your grade...

So In Love With You- The rest of your lives is ahead of you...

Lioness- Severus didn’t want to go to the party, but you still find a way to help him enjoy himself...

After Everything- He deserves more than you can give, but you’re his nonetheless...

One Little Thing- Arguments happen, but it still hurts...

It Was You- You’ll always defend him, even in the past...

Good Boy**- Severus is many things, but above all, he is yours in many ways...

Cheetah and Bat- Seeing your Animagus inspires Severus to give it another try...

The Perfect Day- Any day is a perfect day when he’s with you...

Be Still**- Severus needs to grade these exams, but you’re both wanting each other...

Nerves**- While you’re both nervous, you both want this...

Different- Even though you just met, you can tell he’s different...

Ink- Severus never took you for the type to have tattoos...

Years Of Yearning- Severus is able to live through a book, years of yearning being somewhat satisfied...

Mistletoe**- Christmas break is finally here...

I Can’t Lose You- The world is dangerous, and he can’t lose you...

Hard- Severus helps you to relax when the world becomes a bit too much...

The Perfect Day- You plan a day out for your lover...

Sweet Affections- Severus loved being in your arms...

The Mark- He has to tell you...

Not Your Fault- He blames himself...

Figure It Out- After Dumbledore fell...

Midnight Patrols-You can’t sleep when he’s not here..

Mistake- The messenger of the prophecy...

Better Off- If this is how you’ll act, he’s better off without you..

Part 2: His Fragile Heart- He was wrong, and he wants you back

Fantasize**- Severus sees your classtime fantasies...

Severus Getting Married To An American Reader So He Can Vote Against Tr*mp HCs

A Life Without You (TW: SUICIDE)- He can’t live without you...

Those Three Little Words- You love each other more than anything, but you seldom say those three little words...

Being Insecure About Small Breasts w/ Severus

Good Grades**- Good grades pay off...

Coming Clean- At your graduation, secrets are revealed

Sex w/ Severus HCs**

Dating Severus and Being A Professor HCs

Kissing HCs

Oral HCs**

Happy Birthday, My Love- The morning of his birthday...

Not All That Bad- Severus shows you that Slytherin isn’t all that bad...

Pick You-You watch The Bachelor with Severus...

Deep Inside**- Severus won’t let you come until he’s deep inside you...

After Everything- After everything he’s done, you still want to be his, forever...

Jealous/Possessive HCs

They Won’t Know**- Severus wants you, and he doesn’t care who sees...

Severus With A Virgin Reader HCs**

The Best Addiction- You’re addicted to him, as he is to you...

See Your Worth- When you’re feeling inadequate, Severus shows you how much he loves you...

Only You- A night spent with your love...

Few Weaknesses- You discover one of Severus’ few weaknesses...

Protective HCs

Hold On For Me- In that moment, it was the only option...

The Most Beautiful Sound- The students mock your accent, but Severus adores it...

Feel The Same- Severus doesn’t want to ruin your friendship...

Never Hurt You (TW: PAST ABUSE)- You know he’ll never hurt you...

Wake Up Call**- You enjoy waking Severus up, between his legs, that is...

Prima Donna- Severus helps you relax after weeks of rehearsals...

The Great White Way- Severus’s jealousy flares seeing you on stage with another man...

Where You Go, I Go (TW: SUICIDE)- You’ll follow wherever he goes...

Beautiful, Gorgeous, Perfect- Severus knows that you feel insecure sometimes, and he knows how to make you feel better...

What Better Wat To Wake Up?**- Severus wakes you up in a very pleasant way...

New Toys**- Severus brings home some new toys...

Only Yours**- Severus makes sure you know you’re his...

Like This**- Severus wants you just like this...

The Letter- You never planned to send it...

Giving and Receiving**- Tonight, you’re both giving and receiving...

Craving Affection-You’re craving Severus’ affection, and he’s more than happy to give it to you...

Obscenely Affectionate**- Valentine’s Day, an excuse to be obscenely affectionate, an excuse which Severus willingly takes...

Your Grace**- Severus teaches you the wonders of the marriage bed...

Hufflepuff At Heart- You may not be a witch, but Severus knows you’re a badger

Restless- You’re on a mission for the Order, and Severus is worried...

Severus Comforting A Sad Reader HCs

Nothing Like Him- Part of him can’t believe you want to have kids with him...

Beauty In Everything- You find beauty in everything, even in things others don’t find beautiful...

Domestic Life w/ Sev HCs

New Style- You braid Severus’ hair...

Not A Dream- Though it feels like a dream, you assure him it isn’t...

Shooting Stars- Everyone wishes on shooting stars, but you already have everything you want...

Smile- It doesn’t matter how big or small it is, Severus will do anything to see you smile...

You’re Mine**- When Severus’ assistant gets a little too friendly, you remind your husband who he belongs to...

An Amazing Father- Severus is afraid of fatherhood, but you know you’ll be alright...

Pretty Little Prefect**- The monthly prefect’s meeting...

Such A Good Job**- You’ve done such a good job pleasuring yourself, Severus wants you to finish it...

Bath Bombs- Severus puts his own touch on muggle bath bombs...

Captivity- His worst nightmare was coming true...

No More- It was just too much...

Nesting- Your heat’s a few days away...

Keep No Secrets- Severus knows he has to tell you, but he’s terrified...

Lots of Practice- Severus has never kissed anyone before...

Happy Anniversary- Your second wedding anniversary with Severus...

Keep You Safe-You know Severus will keep you safe, especially from other Alphas...

Need To See Him- You need to see him, to make sure he’s alright...

All Mine**- When Lucius gets a little too friendly, Severus reminds you that you’re all his...

Be On Top**- Severus wants you to be on top for the first time...

Missed You**- After nearly a week in London, you return home...

Perfectly Fine- Severus takes care of you after a prank gone wrong, and feelings are revealed...

A Galaxy Far, Far Away- You introduce Severus to Star Wars...

Need You Here- After a nightmare, you need your husband by your side...

Long Weekend**- While you don’t make it to most of your plans, you and Severus still enjoy yourselves...

A Little Risky**-You and Severus have some fun at the Order meeting...

Snowball Fight-A snowball fight with your husband...

Finally Home- Your fiance returns home after a month and a half...

Unbothered**- Severus’ isn’t bothered by your period, he still wants to taste you...

NSFW Alphabet**

SFW Alphabet

My Perfect, Beautiful Man**- You give Severus some much needed praise and attention...

Never Cheat On You- Severus thinks you’re cheating, but he couldn’t be farther from the truth...

Slow, Tender, and Sensual**- Your first time with Severus is everything you wanted: slow, tender, and sensual...

The Only Woman I’ll Ever Love- Severus didn’t listen to her, you’re the only women he’ll ever love...

My Princess- For your birthday, Severus treats you like the princess you are...

Spare A Dance For Me- You help Severus teach the Slytherins to dance...

Validation**- Severus craves validation, and you’re more than willing to give it...

Hands**- You watch Severus while he brews.  Well, you watch his hands...

Sweet Spot**- Severus’ sweet spot makes him feel so good...

Grateful- One year after the battle...

Your Heart Is A Treasure- Severus won’t treat you like they did...

The Matron’s Assistant- You return to Hogwarts, and find more than just work...

Make A Bad Day Better- You always make bad days better...

Always Yours- It doesn’t matter what anyone says or does, you’re always his...

Throne**- Severus makes you feel like a queen, especially in bed...

Discipline- You’ve always been light on discipline with your daughter...

Don’t Give A Damn- You don’t give a damn that Severus is younger than you, but he’s still insecure...

Precipice**- Severus decides to play a little game with you... 

Not A Prank- He’s convinced it’s a prank by the Marauders...

Caught- The twins catch you and Severus in an intimate moment...

Nocturnal Conversations- Severus converses with you while you sleep-talk...

The Right Time- It just felt like the right time to ask...

With You- He never thought you could be happy with him...

Eyes On Me**- You want him to look at you when he comes...

My Vow To You- His vow to you trumps all others...

Show You How**- Severus teaches you how to suck his cock...

Bare Face- Severus sees you for the first time without makeup...

Let It Out- After someone shouts at you, Severus makes you feel better...

Denied**- Severus is needy, but you’re busy...

Perfectly Valid- Severus loves you just as  you are...

The Bigger Man- He needs to be the bigger man with Lupin...

Every Inch**- Severus wants to kiss every inch of you...

Every Part- You love every part of him, even the parts he doesn’t...

Get Away- A vacation with your family...

Still New- Your relationship is still so new, you can’t help but be a little flustered...

Entirely Real- You can’t believe that this is really happening...

Cared For- After the full moon, you just need to be cared for...

Little Tease**- Your choice of attire gets Severus a little riled up...

Argument/Making Up HCs

Severus as a Soft Dom HCs**

Too Good**- He just couldn’t hold back...

His Turn- You’ve cared for him, now it’s his turn to care for you...

Twice the Fun**- Severus’ new potion gives twice the fun...

Tail-End**- It might be the tail-end of your heat, but you’re still needing him...

Overwhelmed (platonic)- When things feel overwhelming, help comes from an unlikely person...

My Misstress’ Eyes Are Nothing Like The Sun- When Severus is assigned midnight patrol, you can’t sleep...

Have You Right Here- Your Alpha always knows how to make you feel better...

Severus Snape x reader x Remus Lupin

Now**- After your lovers tease you, you need them now

Punishments and Pleasure**- While the evening began in a punishment, it ended with immense pleasure...

Filled**- A morning in the library..

Waited For You**- You’ve been gone for two days, but your lovers waited for you...

Forgot The Charm**- The three of you seemed to have forgotten the silencing charm...

Remus Lupin x reader x Sirius Black

He’s Home- He’s home, and he needs you...

Life w/ Kids HCs

Happy Birthday- Remus and Sirius treat you on your birthday...

Their Job- They’re your alphas, it’s their job to take care of you...

Help You Feel Good**- Your lovers show you how to use your new toy...

His Beautiful Loves**- Remus loves to watch, but he also loves to join in...

Cuddles- You join your lovers on the couch...

How Do You Want Us?**- Remus fucks you while you fuck Sirius...

SFW Alphabet

Noisy Little Thing**- You need to be quiet, lest the whole Order hear...

Broken Collar- It was an accident, but you’re still very upset about it...

Severus Snape x reader x Lucius Malfoy

Impersonations- It’s all in good fun...

More Than Desperate**- After your lovers tease you all day, you’re more than desperate for them...

Insatiable**- You can’t get enough...

Needy**- Your period makes you horny, and your men certainly aren’t complaining...

Good Beta**- Your Beta takes care of you until your Alpha comes home...

Tonight**- Tonight, they will have them, and they will have you...

Full**- Both your men fill you up...

Feeling Needy**- Severus is feeling needy today...

Snuggles- After a long day, the three of you want to be close...

Fuck Waiting**- They can’t wait anymore, you look too sexy...

Overworked- When school take its toll, your lovers are there...

James Potter x reader x Remus Lupin

Sensual**- Slow, sweet, and sensual...

New Heights**- James and Remus take your pleasure to new heights...

Being Married To, Honeymoon, Sex w/, Twins w/ Remus and James HCs

Wedding HCs

A Future With Them- You can’t wait for the future

Yourself**- They want you to make yourself come...

Good Together**- Remus thinks you two look so good together...

Scars**- You show Remus just how perfect he is...

What Their Home Is Like HCs

Remus and James As Parents HCs

Cedric Diggory x reader x Harry Potter

Dating Cedric and Harry HCs

Cedric Diggory x reader x Hermione Granger

Domestic Life HCs

Sex HCs**

James Potter x reader x Lily Evans

First Heat**- Your first heat...

Harry Potter x Severus Snape

Through It All- Harry has been there through it all...

Paradise- Harry takes his husband away for a week...

Good Boy**- Severus loves being Harry’s good boy...

Slipped His Mind**- Severus forgets something important...

Unwavering- Harry’s support and love for his husband is unwavering...

My Perfect Boy**- When Severus is feeling insecure, his Daddy helps him see...

Much Better**- After a bad day, Harry helps Severus feel better...

James Potter x Lily Evans

James and Lily As Friends HCs

Everyone Can See- Everyone can see they’re falling for each other...

Sirius Black x Lily Evans

Sirius x Lily HCs

Other

Marauders x an Ilvermorny Transfer HCs

[lukesvangelista]

𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐊

in which you need some cheering up on one of your darkest days, and your friends don’t fail to come to your rescue.

tw; mentions of the death of a parent, sadness.

flashbacks are in italics! ♡

listen to you’ll be in my heart by phil collins while reading this. ♡

“No, Clifford would definitely beat Godzilla in a fight!”

You drowned out whatever playful argument JJ and Pope were having, staring blankly past John B and at the water outside. After a long day on the water, Kiara had brought you and the crew to The Wreck to get some free food. They were all having the time of their lives, bickering playfully together, while you hadn’t said a word since you stepped into the restaurant.

Your head moved down to your meal, and you picked up a french fry with your right hand, playing with it. Your left hand subconsciously gripped the heart shaped locket around your neck, which included a picture of you and your dad inside.

Today was the one year anniversary of your father’s death. It had been one year since you were able to tell him that you loved him, even if he couldn’t hear you. It had been one year since you had heard his laugh, or seen his smile. It had been one year since he let go, to be free in Heaven for you guys to meet again someday. Isn’t it amazing how one minute you have something you love more than anything else in the entire world, and the next, it’s gone?

God, how you missed him. You missed his comforting messages whenever you needed them, and you missed his scent. He always smelled like chocolate and strawberries. You missed his dad jokes, and the way he always stood up for what he believed in, even if it meant not rolling with the crowd. You missed your late night trips down the road for ice cream. You missed everything about him. You missed him.

Something being thrown at you snapped you out of your thoughts. You looked down at your lap to realize that a fry had been thrown at you, and once you looked up, you realized who had thrown it. John B smirked at you, while Kie was the first to speak up, “Y/N, are you okay?”

You looked over at her and smiled, “Yeah, I’m okay. Just reminiscing on all the good times he and I shared together.”

She smiled sadly, reaching across the table in order to rub the back of your hand comfortingly. Everybody had suddenly gone silent. They knew. Of course they knew. The four of them were extremely close to your heart, your second family. You couldn’t even remember the amount of times you couldn’t stand to be in your own house, all because it reminded you too much of your father, so John B had everyone come over to sleep at the Chateau. They had been there for you all along.

You looked down, breathing deeply. You didn’t want to break down here, not now. You smiled softly, eventually focusing on some music that was playing through the speakers in The Wreck. It would be enough of a distraction to listen to some songs while everyone finished their meals. You could get through it. ‘Like a Rolling Stone’ by Bob Dylan was currently playing through the speakers, but no one seemed to notice that except for you. Suddenly, however, the song changed to ‘You’ll Be In My Heart’ by Phil Collins, and your heart stopped.

You put your head down onto the table, and just broke down completely. Sobs wracked throughout your body, and every emotion that you had been holding in during the day finally came out.

“Daddy, I can’t fall asleep,” you whined, frustrated out of your mind, “I’ve tried and tried, but I just can’t.”

“Aww, princess. Come here.” your dad whispered as he slid into your bed and pulled you into his chest. He ran his hands through your hair and kissed the top of your head, “Would you like me to sing you a lullaby?”

You simply nodded, and he pulled you closer, “Come stop your crying, it will be alright. Just take my hand, and hold it tight. I will protect you, from all around you. I will be here, don’t you cry.”

“This was our song!” you managed to get out through muffled sobs. Every time you couldn’t fall asleep, he sang this to you. Every time you had a bad day and needed some cheering up, this was the song he sang to you. The last thing you ever heard from him was this song.

Everybody looked at you sadly. Three of them wanted to just let you cry it out, but JJ had another plan. He tapped you on the shoulder, which made you look up.

He had his hand held out for you, as if he wanted you to take it. Confused and sobbing, you grabbed his hand, and he gently pulled you out of your seat and into a more open area of the restaurant. Once you were in the open area, JJ pulled you into his chest and you wrapped your arms around him. He rocked you, and suddenly began singing in a whispered tone, “For one so small, you seem so strong. My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm. This bond between us, can’t be broken. I will be here, don’t you cry.”

You removed your face from his chest and looked into his piercing blue eyes, your tears slowly coming to a halt. Suddenly, the blond boy spun you around and John B took you from him, placing his arm on your waist and your arm on his shoulder. Then he began to slow dance with you around the room, also singing along with the music, “Cause you’ll be in my heart. Yes, you’ll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more, you’ll be in my heart. No matter what they say, you’ll be here in my heart. Always.”

John B gently handed you off to Pope, who was ready to dance with you. He didn’t sing along, just let the music play and you process what was going on at the moment. You were finally done crying and managed to stifle out a laugh, which made the four of your best friends smile.

The song played through almost all the way as you and Pope continued to dance. When it was almost over, he whispered, “Just look over your shoulder,” and turned you towards Kie, John B, and JJ, who were all lined up in a row.

Kie smiled and sang, “Just look over your shoulder.”

John B continued, “Just look over your shoulder.”

And JJ finished, “He’ll be there, always.”

Without warning, they all came over and pulled you into a bone crushing group hug, but you didn’t mind it one bit. After a little bit of comfortable silence, John B spoke up, “Are you feeling better now, sweet girl?”

You nodded gratefully. “Thank you guys. You are the best friends I could have ever wished for.”

They all nodded. “We’re always going to be here for you, and that’s a promise.” Kie said.

“Yeah, Pogues stick together.” JJ smiled, slinging an arm around your neck.

You went to the Chateau that night for a sleepover, and as you were lying in John B’s hammock and looking up at the stars, you realized that your friends were right. Your dad would always be right by your side, next to you.

You never thought that you would lose your dad at 15.

You never thought that things would end up that way. But you love your dad and you know that he still loves you too, from wherever he is.

[curationstationdc]

Woodcuts in suburbia: melancholy, nostalgia, and resistance

Selbstbildness von vorn, Käthe Kollwitz © 2019 Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York / VG Bild-Kunst, Bonn

I associate woodcuts with a particular aesthetic: they loom from their perch on the bookshelf in the den, next to a collection of Hans Christian Andersen tales, whose worn buckram binding is effusing that sapid antique book aroma which pairs so well with coffee and cake. In the corner of the room, above a worn black leather chair designated for tv-watching and reading, a pathos dangles from its pot, fed by gentle streams of light emanating from the canopy of shade sheltering the backyard garden. On weekends and special occasions, the clinking of cake forks against china is punctuated only by an occasional “delicious!” — direct and accurate. This orchestration produces a distinctly Germanic affect, and one that I associate with the elderly; the particular family room I’m recalling belonged to my next-door neighbors growing up, former members of the Danish anti-Nazi resistance who had emigrated in the early 1960s. While I can’t be sure there was any deeper meaning behind their affinity for the humble woodcut, I do recall the medium’s prominence in their home. For me, something as benign as a flock of geese is represented with a degree of melancholy in these prints' impenetrable black shadows — an inevitability in this generation’s Weltanschauung, that everything beautiful carries with it a degree of pain, a nostalgia for the idea of a more civil world.

These beloved octogenarians were my first choice of role models, and I insisted on seeing them almost every day for the first 8 or 9 years of my life. They were old-school Democrats (or at least, that’s how their values system translated into American) in a largely Republican suburb of a mid-sized Upper Midwestern city. I can still place myself their 1950′s minimal traditional home: running my hands along their walnut furniture with polished nickel handles, greeted by a different antique clock in every room, tick-tocking at various registers, my slippered feet shuffling along a dull, greenish-blue carpet so typical of that era. Nothing in that home was remotely as paired down as today’s sanitized mid-century throwback, and the old neighborhood still retained a smidgen of character unlike contemporary expressions of manifest destiny. Lovingly tended beds of roses, pansies, and bleeding hearts flourished under the shade of maples, walnuts, and red oak. 

A young family admires their new home. Between 1950 and 1970, America’s suburban population nearly doubled to 74 million Camerique Archive / Archive Photos / Getty Images

For my neighbors, woodcuts seemed to be a culturally relevant way of displaying eerie alternative landscapes: a flock of geese, a school of fish, a sunset laden with a certain degree of subconsciously expressed Weltschmerz. For me, these woodcuts were inextricably linked to their stories of brazen defiance in the face of terror, which they seldom shared, always with a degree of pain and even embarrassment. Their democratic ideals to which they so proudly clung were the real source of their identity; it was from them that I learned it was OK to be gay, that everyone deserved a home and access to healthcare, that one lives like a society like a neighbor rather than just an individual. But it wasn’t until years after their deaths that I detected any degree of paradox in their suburban American existence, was able to chuckle at their nostalgia for the old country as expressed in their grocery cart (tubs of frozen Coolwhip to be served generously with home-baked apple cake, slices of summer sausage or cucumbers served on squares of cocktail rye, a far cry from the bakeries and delicatessens of northern Europe.) 

A woman and a boy visiting a man in hospital. Woodcut by Käthe Kollwitz, 1929. Credit: Wellcome Collection. CC BY

While I may associate woodcuts with the interior design choices of an immigrant family in the middle of the last century, its origins predate my concept of history. Woodcutting is thought to be the earliest print technique, originating in 9th-century China, arriving in Europe sometime in the 14th century. Woodcut has been a staple medium for prominent Northern European artists like Dürer since the 16th century. To produce a print, artists carve their image into a block of wood, along the grain, removing the parts that will not carry ink. The surface is then rolled over with a brayer and the image transferred to a sheet of paper through a press. The result in works like Käthe Kollwitz’s Selbstbildness von vorn (1922-1923), pictured above, is nothing short of haunting — well-suited to the violently introspective tone of German Expressionism. If you’re curious about the process, here’s a short demonstration:

Phil Sanders, Director of the Robert Blackburn Printmaking Workshop, demonstrates the pressure + ink relief process

Woodcutting became a popular tool of activists in the 1910′s, when thinkers like Ernst Barlach were beginning to use reductionist, anti-naturalist figures to express their dejection at the rise of an alien world. In the case of Barlach, his art was often placed alongside politically charged writing in order to provoke emotional reactions to the realities of uprootedness, inequality, and disaffection in industrialized, urban Europe. It is Barlach’s rather proletariat answer to the questions of modernity, inspired in part by a kind of political realism emerging in Russia, that inspired German artist Käthe Kollwitz to take up the humble woodcut. 

Ernst Barlach, from an East German stamp, 1970. Would he have been pleased with his legacy?

I remember receiving a story on the couch in my neighbors’ den — I was about 10 or 11 — regarding the final days of the war: a fellow member of the resistance had suggested replacing the Dannebrog with the flag of the Danish Communist Party, the DKP, an idea that had shaken my neighbor to his core. For him, resistance had been an act of preservation, a defense of the right to be distinctly Danish, and all that it entailed, in an increasingly international world. How the inability to return to a Denmark before the crimes of Nazism must have felt, I can only attempt to imagine. To this day, I am astounded by my neighbors’ apparent lack of burnout in light of what they sacrificed, their resilience in living out their ideals and inherited melancholia with me under an umbrella on the patio. It seemed that, for them, past and present far outweighed considerations for the future.

My copy of Korsbæk Tidende (Korsbæk Official Journal), an educational accompaniment to the popular Danish 1970′s and 1980′s tv-series “Matador” about a fictionalized Danish town between 1929 and 1947. I inherited this collection of real newspaper clips that informed events on the show from my neighbor — I assume he loved the show.

To an extent, I have inherited their idealism, an obsession with a bleak past used to check the present, an index of unwavering values to be accessed at any time. It is only through a sense of history that I’m able to make sense of the communicative power of images today, how calculated distortions of reality made ubiquitous through mass production can make us more empathetic, braver in the face of a not-so-distant future. It's a future that cannot be understood with the tools we have been given, that will almost upend our perceptions and unsettle us, a future that demands our bravery. More than ever my beloved neighbors ever could have fathomed, the possibility that our sacrifices will be bastardized in the name of another cause is unparalleled in the digital age. And even more than they experienced, we have the incredible opportunity, and challenge, to transplant our ideologies across ecosystems, upending heir original contexts.

Simultaneous calls for universalism and individual freedom, the appeals of difference and homogeneity, the cogent argument of moral relativism against the call for a shared global narrative will, no doubt, continue to shake us in an era of unprecedented displacement and global climate change. Among other things, these challenges call for an art that, like the pervasive woodcut, infiltrates our purviews, and is attuned to the affect of contemporary life. It should carry with is a melancholic nostalgia, demand our empathy, blemish our idealized beauty.

If I limit myself to woodcuts, I'm reminded of the works of William Kentridge, Beatriz Milhazes, Leonard Baskin, Alison Saar, Irving Amen, Tony Bevan, Katsutoshi Yuasa, Assadour Bezdikian, Elizabeth Catlett, Lou Barlow, Leon Gilmour — I'm sure I'm missing countless others.

Retrospective Exhibitions on Käthe Kollwitz

Käthe Kollwitz, National Gallery of Art, Washington, D.C., 1992; Käthe Kollwitz: In Celebration of the 125th Anniversary of the Artist’s Birth, Galerie St. Etienne, New York City, 1992; Berner Kunstmuseum, Bern, Switzerland, 1946; Retrospective in honor of her 50th birthday at Paul Cassirer galleries, Berlin, 1917

Selected Bibliographies on Käthe Kollwitz

Knesebeck, Alexandra von dem. Käthe Kollwitz: Werkverzeichnis der Graphik. Band I & II. Bern: Kornfeld, 2002.

Prelinger, Elizabeth, ed. Käthe Kollwitz. Exh. cat. Washington, DC: National Gallery of Art, 1992.

Rix, Brenda D., and Jay A. Clarke. Käthe Kollwitz: The Art of Compassion. Exh. cat. Toronto: Art Gallery of Ontario, 2003.

Selected Bibliographies on Ernst Barlach

Laur, Elisabeth. Ernst Barlach: Sämtliche Werke, Werkverzeichnis I. Die Druckgraphik. Leipzig: E. A. Seemann, 2001.

Paret, Peter. An Artist Against the Third Reich: Ernst Barlach, 1933–38. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2002.

Selected Bibliographies on Ernst Ludwig Kirnchner

Dube, Annemarie, and Wolf-Dieter Dube. Ernst Ludwig Kirchner: Das graphische Werk. 2 vols. Munich: Prestel, 1980.

Gercken, Günther, and Magdalena M. Moeller. Ernst Ludwig Kirchner: Farbige Druckgraphik. Exh. cat. Berlin: Brücke-Museum, 2008.

Krämer, Felix, ed. Ernst Ludwig Kirchner: Retrospective. Exh. cat. Frankfurt: Städel Museum, 2010.

Lloyd, Jill, and Magdalena M. Moeller, eds. Ernst Ludwig Kirchner, 1880–1938. Exh. cat. Washington, DC: National Gallery of Art, 2003.

Wye, Deborah. Kirchner and the Berlin Street. Exh. cat. New York: The Museum of Modern Art, 2008.

[awkwarddezzy]

The Silence

Pairing: Dan x reader or Phil x reader 

Genre: romance, angst, a speck of fluff (I think)

Song: The Silence by Mayday Parade

TW: a lot of sadness

Word count: 988

Because listening to this song on my iPod made me think ‘You know you wanna fanfic this.’ This one’s gonna be pretty short since I still got a bunch of fanfics I gotta write and this is more or less something I wanted to get out of my head so I don’t put this on the side and never get back to again. Also, let me know if you want to see a part 2. I didn’t expect to end this in an open-ended way.

I didn’t know how it came to this. There was a time when our time together wasn’t on a schedule, when YouTube didn’t put a hindrance on our home dates and nighttime strolls. Somewhere along the way, secretive meetups transformed into occasional kisses and a few text messages every week. The burst of happiness I felt in the beginning dwindled into a small wad of optimism when I even get the chance to see him.

Seeing him nowadays doesn’t bring the instant smile to my face. If I do, whether it’s on an electronic screen or in-person, it’s a relief to remember he’s still alive, that none of his near-death experiences struck him to an actual moment of death. There’ll be a single second of being glad he hasn’t forgotten me, but other than that, we may as well just be friends. It’s as if the days we get to be alone together is our way to remind ourselves we’re still in a relationship.

We’re still a couple.

We should’ve broken up as soon as we realized our physical and emotional distance was coming between us. I should be the one to say “we should break up,” fragile words I can’t take back once I say them aloud. It should be easy. It’ll be the start of a clean break. Once we walk away from all this, we can walk away from the burden of our own love.

But that’s our flaw. Our love isn’t what’s making us unhappy. Our love is proof of a dream that came true since we met two years ago. Being his girlfriend is pushing us to be patient, waiting for the right time to reveal our relationship to the public. When we say “I love you” to each other, I think of how lucky I am to have him as my boyfriend, a guy who’s one-half of Dan and Phil.

Our problem is we’ve given up. Once the obstacles began to pile up, we didn’t take the time to address them. We left them to become an invisible wall dividing the both of us. He buried himself in YouTube while I focused on (school/work). By the time I came to terms that we were beginning to turn into the couple who spent so much time apart to the inevitable point of breaking up, it was too late to undo the damage. I was scared of bringing up the issue to him. Not once did we have a major argument since we met, and I didn’t want to allow our distance be the reason we fight.

So I keep my mouth shut. I cry myself to sleep to release my frustrations. I endure the indifference in his eyes whenever he films a video on his main channel or the gaming channel, his soft irises gazing at his best friend in a way that should be reserved for me. I keep a straight face when we go on a date and I see the new coldness in his eyes when he looks at me, the kind of coldness that makes me think he’d rather be doing something else than spending time with his girlfriend.

I’m dying so much in the inside. I want to set us free from the predicament, to end the silence and go back to how we used to be. It breaks my heart to have a boyfriend I don’t know if I can call a boyfriend anymore. I know he still loves me enough to stay with me, but I need more than our status. I need us to be what (your ship name with you & Dan or you & Phil) is supposed to be.

Ice cream weekends and my journal entries about every new memory we make together.

Being invited to parties and VidCon, albeit under the label as his friend.

Teasing him about his change from straight hair to curly hair and his tendencies to fall asleep anywhere and anytime.

And so, so much more.

Today is our second anniversary. Five hundred days since the day we first crossed paths. I woke up this morning to a text from him informing me he’s busy filming a couple videos. However, he promised to take me out tonight to celebrate.

He didn’t forget. Maybe there’ll be a miracle and we can have one night where we can genuinely behave like a normal couple. Even though tomorrow will reset to how we are now, at least I could be happy for a portion of the day.

I go about my day as usual. Before I know it, I’m at the doorstep of my home. I unlock the front door, and when I go inside, I’m greeted by a pleasant surprise. A moderately-large box sits on my sofa. Upon closer inspection, I find my name written on the top flap, along with a Post-It taped to the top.

Sorry it isn't much. Happy birthday love.

Trying not to get my hopes up, I open the box. Inside is something that literally brings me to my knees.

I take out every packaged journal in the box. One, two, three… I keep counting until the box is empty. Thirty. The same price of the first journal he bought for me on our first Christmas as a couple.

My throat constricts in a silent sob.

Maybe this is his way of breaking the silence. He’s doing it before I do.

Of course he wouldn’t be blind to my inner suffering. Only an idiot would be oblivious to how much we’ve grown apart these last several months.

A grin forms and I laugh like a maniac. It’s going to be okay. My one-night plan may not be for one night after all.

He’ll be done making me sad.

I stand back up and stuff the journals back into the box. With tear-stained cheeks, I head to my room.

I’ve got a date to prepare for.

[dtsansbule]

Five night at freddy's-小小故事4

*I don’t know English, but in order to make it easy for readers to read! I translate my own work.

*Please don’t read Chinese readers! Please work hard and look down at translated works. * There is a translation error! Please tell me if you have trouble!! I will try my best to correct it!

*此文是隨心創作，有沒有後續? 我自己也不知道。

*是看過 The Game Theorists 討論出的結果 和  GoldBox 的作品  後，想寫出一個有點不一樣的故事。

*劇情設定，會跟遊戲和大家知道的事，會不太相同。

*如果有別的看法，歡迎大家來跟我聊聊^^

上一章 下一章

_第三章_

Fredbear's Family Diner第二十周年紀念日，前一天....

"Smith先生，我來送Golden freddy還有其他玩具過來"Johan對為了明天親自來檢查的Joshua Smith說

"Aftons先生，真高興看到你。Antonio麻煩你把這些放到應該放的地方"Joshua抱了一下Johan，對著身邊的保全-Antonio Wilson說

"好的!老闆"Antonio接過推車，把玩具們都推走了

"Smith先生，我想跟你說些事，現在方便嗎?"Johan詢問Joshua

"當然Aftons先生，這邊請"Joshua邀請Johan到他的辦公室聊

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~我是可愛的分線島~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"我看看，驚喜箱放在這裡，這個很危險，還是放在倉庫裡"Antonio放好了裝著Marionette的禮物盒，看到裝在箱子裡的Golden freddy嘴角上揚，推著推車往倉庫放向走

"等到明天，所以的麻煩事情都會解決掉的"Antonio把裝著Golden freddy的箱子擺放在明顯的地方，邪惡的笑著慢慢的離開倉庫

"那個壞傢伙走了，接下來要把小金藏得好好的!不能被那個壞人利用!"Bel從Golden freddy嘴裡爬出來，看著裝著Golden freddy的箱子試著推動它

"不行!我太輕又太小隻了，推不動小金，真希望我能夠變得跟小金一樣大"Bel難過的低頭看著自己的手腳

"咦?我變成人了!! 雖然跟我想的不一樣，但是現在趕快把小金藏起來"Bel驚訝一下自己突然的變化，又忙起要把Golden freddy藏裡的事

"真是的!怎麼突然都不來了!我們今天嚴重缺人手耶!!咦!Teddy你剛剛不是說不來了嗎?怎麼來了?還有你在這裡做什麼?"一個穿著保全服的人，走進倉庫對著Bel說

"啥?我?喔呵呵，我突然想到我有東西忘了拿，所以回來拿。呃.Josh你有什麼事?"Bel看了看那個叫Josh的保全，認錯人，就順著他說

"我叫Jas，不是Josh，為什麼大家老是叫錯!!這不好笑"Jas生氣的跺跺腳

"呃..我不知道，既然不是Josh，那為什麼你還穿著這件?"Bel好奇的問

"喔...我只是懶得再送去修改，也不想再花錢訂做新的制服，再說老闆很摳，都不願意幫我們付這筆錢"Jas對於老闆明明有錢還這麼摳很氣

"呵呵~是啊!"Bel傻笑

"不說這個了!Teddy你應該穿著Golden freddy上去表演!你的戲服呢?"Jas叉著腰對著Bel說

"我...喔!在這裡!!Jas你先走，我換個衣服等等就來"Bel把裝著Golden freddy的箱子稍微打開給Jas看，又把Jas推出門外

"好~吧!"Jas傻著看著關上的門，只好離去

"呼~好險!要趕快把小金藏起來"Bel怕又有人來，趕緊將裝著Golden freddy的箱子放在這一堆箱子的最裡面，又將移動其他的箱子重新擺放好

"這個就是那個人說的戲服吧?雖然不是父親做的，但材質不錯"Bel摸了摸沒有裝機械骨架，只有布跟棉花的戲服，穿套在身上，最後拿起頭套戴在頭上走出倉庫

大廳這裡，舞台上Freddy Fazbear，Bonnie，Chica 三個機器玩偶在表演，舞台不遠處還有個設施-海盜灣，但很可惜表演時間還沒有到，簾子一直都是拉上的狀態。

舞台下正對面的是客人用餐的地方，家長們坐在這裡陪著孩子們看舞台表演以及用餐。

"Teddy你來啦!正好幫忙把這個拿到3號桌那邊那排客人點的，不要忘了要記得打找呼喔!"一個廚師看到Bel立刻將手中裝著餐點的托盤，塞給Bel指著要送去的地方，說完又趕緊回廚房去

"Teddy?你不是請假了嗎?"一個穿著Golden Bonnie戲服的人，走來打招呼

"喔!我的事解決了，所以我就回來上班"Bel淡定的說

"這樣啊!說真的，老闆真的很摳，明天就是周年紀念日，今天居然還要正常營業，偏偏今天人手不夠，廚房只有Phil一個人在忙，大廳沒服務生，原本還有George要來，但他來的路上發生車禍，可憐的George，今天得靠我們倆撐著了"穿著Golden Bonnie戲服的人話真的很多

"呃哼..Bonnie有孩子們需要我們"Bel看到有孩子看過來，趕緊提醒

"!!哦嗨~孩子們你們知道我是誰嗎?"穿著Golden Bonnie戲服的人，看到孩子們看著他，就拿出他的職業精神逗逗這些孩子們

"Golden freddy~"3號桌的孩子看到Bel走來開心的不得了

"你好，孩子看看我手上有什麼?喔!是你們的pizza來請慢用!"Bel將手中的餐點放低一點，讓孩子能夠看到的慢慢放在孩子的桌子上，順便將孩子脖子上鬆掉的餐巾重新圍上去

"謝謝你Golden freddy"孩子高興的抱住Bel

"不客氣!吃完記得擦嘴跟手喔!"Bel摸了摸孩子頭

————————————————————————————

Google translation:

*This article is created by heart, is there any follow-up? I don't know it myself.

* After reading the results of The Game Theorists and the work of GoldBox , I wanted to write a story that was a little different.

* The plot setting will be different from the game and what everyone knows.

*If you have other opinions, please come and talk to me ^^

Previous chapter Next chapter

_third chapter_

Fredbear's Family Diner's 20th Anniversary, the day before....

"Mr. Smith, let me send Golden freddy and other toys to come over," Johan said to Joshua Smith, who will personally check tomorrow.

"Mr. Aftons, I’m so happy to see you. Antonio is bothering you to put this in the place where you should put it." Joshua took Johan and said to the protection around him - Antonio Wilson

"Okay! Boss" Antonio took the cart and pushed the toys away.

"Mr. Smith, I want to tell you something, is it convenient now?" Johan asked Joshua

"Of course Mr. Aftons, please here" Joshua invited Johan to chat in his office.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am a lovely branch island~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I see, the surprise box is here, this is very dangerous, still in the warehouse." Antonio put the gift box with Marionette and saw the golden freddy in the box rise and push the cart to the warehouse. Let go

"Wait until tomorrow, so the troubles will be solved." Antonio placed the box with Golden freddy in the obvious place, and the evil smile slowly left the warehouse.

"The bad guy is gone, the next thing is to hide the little gold! Can't be used by the bad guy!" Bel climbed out of Golden freddy's mouth and looked at the box with Golden freddy trying to push it.

"No! I am too light and too small, I can't push Xiaojin, I wish I could be as big as Xiaojin." Bel looked down at his hands and feet.

"Hey? I became a man!! Although it is different from what I thought, but now I will hide Xiaojin." Bel was surprised by his sudden change and was busy with the things that he had to hide in Golden freddy.

"That's true! Why didn't you suddenly come! We are seriously lacking in hands today!! Hey! Teddy, you just can't say no? How come? What are you doing here?" A person wearing a safety suit, walking Entering the warehouse and speaking to Bel

"Hey? I? Hehehe, I suddenly thought that I had something to forget, so come back. Hey. Josh, what's the matter?" Bel looked at the preservation called Josh, and confessed to the wrong person, he followed him.

"My name is Jas, not Josh. Why are you always wrong!! This is not funny." Jas is angry.

"Oh.. I don't know, since it's not Josh, why are you wearing this one?" Bel asked curiously.

"Oh... I just don't bother to send it to modify, I don't want to spend money on new uniforms, and the boss is very embarrassed, and I don't want to help us pay this money." Jas is so arrogant about the boss's money.

"Oh, yeah!" Bel smirked

"Don't say this! Teddy, you should wear Golden freddy to perform! What about your costume?" Jas said, bowing his arms to Bel.

"I...oh! Here!! Jas, let's go first, I change clothes, etc." Bel will open the box with Golden freddy to Jas and open Jas.

"Okay~ now!" Jas stupidly looked at the closed door and had to leave.

"Call~ Good insurance! Hurry up to hide the small gold." Bel is afraid that someone will come. He will put the box with Golden freddy in the innermost part of the pile and relocate the other boxes.

"This is the costume that the man said? Although it is not the father's work, but the material is good." Bel touched and did not install the mechanical skeleton, only the cloth and cotton costumes, put on the body, and finally took the hood and put it on the head. Out of the warehouse

In the hall, on the stage, Freddy Fazbear, Bonnie, and Chica are performing in three machine dolls. There is also a facility on the stage - Pirate Bay, but it is a pity that the performance time has not yet arrived, and the curtains have always been pulled.

Directly opposite the stage is the place where guests dine, and parents sit here to accompany the children to watch the stage performances and meals.

"Teddy, you are coming! Just help to get this to the row of guests on the 3rd table. Don't forget to remember to call for a call!" A chef saw that Bel immediately put the tray in his hand and stuffed it. Point Bel to the place to be sent, and then go back to the kitchen.

"Teddy? Are you not taking time off?" A man wearing a Golden Bonnie costume came to say hello.

"Hey! My problem is solved, so I will come back to work," Bell said calmly.

"This way! Really, the boss is really embarrassed. Tomorrow is the anniversary. Today, it is still normal. However, today's manpower is not enough. Only the kitchen is busy by Phil. The hall is not a waiter. Originally, George is coming. But the car accident on his way, poor George, we have to rely on both of us today. "There are a lot of people wearing Golden Bonnie costumes."

"Hey.. Bonnie has children who need us." Bel sees a child looking over and hurry to remind

"!! Oh, oh~ Kids, do you know who I am?" The person wearing the Golden Bonnie costume, seeing the children looking at him, took out his professionalism to tease the children.

"Golden freddy~" the child on the 3rd table saw that Bel was happy to come.

"Hello, child, what's in my hand? Hey! It's your pizza, please use it slowly!" Bel lowered the meal in his hand so that the child could see it slowly on the child's desk. By the way, re-enclose the napkin that is loose on the child's neck.

"Thank you Golden freddy" The child happily hugged Bel

"You're welcome! Remember to wipe your mouth and handcuffs after eating!" Bel touched the child's head.

================================================ 

  人物介紹 / Character introduction: 

Johan Aftons

Willam的親哥哥，玩偶之家 的玩偶師，專門定做專屬的玩具以及修復玩具。

Willam's brother, the doll house of the doll house, specializes in custom-made toys and repair toys.

Willam Aftons

Johan的親弟弟，警察。

Johan's younger brother, the police.

Bel

Aftons家族三人共同製作出來的小小布偶熊。

A little puppet bear made by the Aftons family.

因為認為Johan是製作自己的身體的父親，所以只喊Johan是父親。

Because Johan is the father who made his own body, he only called Johan to be his father.

Johan15歲時，重新打扮，成為Golden Freddy的原型。

When Johan was 15 years old, he re-dressed and became the prototype of Golden Freddy.

Golden Freddy

Johan親手製作的第一個機器玩偶。Bel的弟弟-小金。

Johan's first machine doll made by hand. Bel's younger brother - Xiao Jin.

Golden Bonnie

Johan親手製作的第二個機器玩偶。Golden Freddy的搭擋。

The second machine doll made by Johan. Golden Freddy's partner.

Marionette

倒楣以及第一個受害的6歲小孩，死後成為驚喜箱裡的傀儡。

The collapsed and the first victim of the 6-year-old child became a surprise in the box after death.

Joshua Smith

Fazbear Entertainment 創始人，以及現任Fredbear's Family Diner的老闆。

Founder of Fazbear Entertainment and current owner of Fredbear's Family Diner.

Antonio Wilson

Fredbear's Family Diner的保全之一。

One of Fredbear's Family Diner's preservation.

Jas Walker

Fredbear's Family Diner的保全之一，超級在意別人的發音問題，或許是因為經常被叫錯名子的關係。

One of Fredbear's Family Diner's preservation, super care about other people's pronunciation problems, perhaps because of the often called wrong name relationship.

Phil

Fredbear's Family Diner的廚師。

Fredbear's Family Diner's chef.

===========================================================

小彩蛋 / Small egg :

Jas這個角色是因為我太喜歡一部影片的梗+影片的人個個性。

The role of Jas is because I like the personality of a film and the personality of a movie.

B站  第一個影片(中文字幕)

The first film of station B (Chinese subtitles)

YouTube 第二個影片(無字幕)   第二個影片(中文字幕)

YouTube's second video (no subtitles) second video (Chinese subtitles) 

Q:為什麼有兩個保全?

Q: Why are there two guarantees?

A:這個問題，我只能說上一篇文章，真87之咬影片裡，原影片作者GoldBox的影片0:56裡是有兩個保全，一個是勸孩子不要靠近的名叫scott的保全，另一個聽到聲音探出頭看，卻嚇壞了也緊張趕緊勸的名叫Phone Guy的保全。又思考了遊戲第3部裡面說的一開始，餐廳並沒有特別的請夜間保全，事後來出事後才開始有請夜間保全。而且夜間保全只有一個。

A: This question, I can only say the last article. In the bite film of the original 87, the original film author GoldBox's film has two guarantees in 0:56. One is to protect the child from being close to the name of scott. The other heard the sound and looked up, but was frightened and nervous and urged to call the preservation of Phone Guy. I also thought about the beginning of the third part of the game. The restaurant didn't have a special night to save it. After the accident, it started to be nightly. And there is only one night save.

這麼說的話?一開始沒出事的時候，是有公司專屬的保全公司才對!而且有兩個人保全才對。

What to say? When there was no accident at the beginning, it was the company’s exclusive security company! And two people were guaranteed.

所以決定延用這個設定。

So decided to extend this setting.

Q:為什麼有兩套服裝?

Q: Why are there two sets of clothing?

A:遊戲第3部，一開始電話男有介紹，餐廳是有兩種型式表演，一種是機器玩具的表演和另一種是穿戲服表演。但是電話男有說姊妹餐廳發生不幸彈簧鎖故障事件，公司不用有彈簧鎖的戲服，彈簧鎖的戲服已經廢棄丟了。

A: The third part of the game, the beginning of the phone man introduced, the restaurant has two types of performances, one is the performance of machine toys and the other is wearing costumes.However, the telephone man said that the sister restaurant had an unfortunate spring lock failure. The company did not need a spring-locked costume, and the spring-locked costume was abandoned.

(如果是我解讀誤會的話，大家要告訴我QwQ)

(If it is my misunderstanding, everyone should tell me QwQ)

思考了一下，機器玩具身上的是彈簧鎖的服裝，可以脫下來當戲服穿?

After thinking about it, the machine toy is a spring-locked garment that can be taken off and worn as a costume.

也就是說老闆摳到只有一套服裝的錢，必須機器玩偶跟人一起分開時間共用?

In other words, the boss has only got a set of clothing money, must the machine dolls share time with people?

覺得實際上，老闆在摳，也是會出兩套服裝的錢，因為給機器玩偶穿上服裝，需要更多的時間，短短休息時間還不夠，更何況是表演時間。

I think that in fact, the boss is squatting, it will also pay for two sets of clothing, because it takes more time to put on the costumes of the machine dolls, and the short break time is not enough, let alone the performance time.

所以劇情改為餐廳是有兩套，一套機器玩具身上的是彈簧鎖的服裝，另一套是表演者穿的戲服。

So the plot changed to a restaurant with two sets, one set of machine toys with spring-locked clothing, and the other set of costumes worn by performers.

[dirtyjazminrice]

1 - Who was the last person you texted? - My mom

2 - When is your birthday? - May 9

3 - Who do you want to be with right now? - I wish Ryan didn’t have to work tomorrow so we could be hanging out right now

4 - What sports do you play? - None

5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? - My aunt Diane 

6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? - Whichever song on the Poptopia spotify playlist had that sexy ass bass that had me feeling a certain kind of way on the drive home from work. Also, Praying by Kesha

7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? - Ryan or Bear Grylls

8 - What do you feel right now? - Conflicted. I want to watch the new episodes on the Bob’s Burgers live stream, but i also want to start A Court of Thorns and Roses

9 - What chocolate is your favorite? - Dark

10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? - The past tense sounds ominous. I’ve had 2 in the past and 1 right now, so 3

11 - Why did you create a Tumblr account? - Because my emo friends in high school had them and i wanted to be a part of the group

12 - Who is your favorite blogger? - Jenna Marbles technically counds

13 - Where do you want to be right now? - In the mountains or by the beach

14 - What do you want to be in the future? - Happy and financially stable

15 - When was the last time you cried? Why? - Last night. I finished Eleanor and Park. WHY WOULDN’T SHE WRITE HIM BACK. WHY DIDN’T SHE CALL HIM. WHY DIDN’T SHE TELL HIM SHE LOVED HIM TOO. WILL THEY EVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN

16 - Are you happy? - Momentarily I’m bummed, but ultimately I’m very happy

17 - Who do you miss? - Caitlin

18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? - No

19 - What was the best thing you were given? - The gold coated rose Ryan gave me a few years ago

20 - Who was the last person who called you? - Sophia

21 - What is your favorite dish? - Sushi

22 - Who is your bestfriend? - Loaded question.

23 - What is your biggest regret? - Not applying to that Nebraska Furniture Mart job before it went off Indeed

24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner? - NEVER

25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? - I’m not sure what this means, but probably Ryan

26 - Name someone pretty. - I’m having a harder time thinking of someone who isn’t pretty

27 - Who was the last person you hugged? - Ryan. He had a rough day.

28 - What kind of music do you listen to? - Loud music, preferably with bass. So hard rock, rap, EDM, etc

29 - Are you over your past? - Sure? lol

30 - Who is the last person in your contacts? - My old assistant manager Vail

31 - What kind of person do you want to date? - Someone exactly like Ryan

32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night? - Only when I eat too soon before bed

33 - From whom was the last text message you received? - My mom

34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? - Jeans always

35 - How’s your heart? - She’s good. Wishes her questions were answered about Eleanor and Park

36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”? - No, but all my exes have

37 - Do you like someone as of the moment? - A little

38 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend? - I’d take the high road and ask him how Europe was or tell him the hair cut was a good idea, but I’d want to ask him how it felt when the girl he cheated on me with and always was in love with the 3 years we were together got pregnant with another guys baby, and will never ever be with him ever again

39 - Do you have any phobias? - Death and spiders

40 - Did you try to change for a person? - I tried to change for my first boyfriend because I was young and desperate

41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? - Most recently I gave Ryan the best birthday presents of his entire life. Got it all on video. I also gave him a very sentimental book commemorating our relationship and it made him cry so that too

42 - Would you go back to your previous relationship? - Hell no. Mostly i look back and wonder why i let myself stay with him for so long. I guess wildly changing friend groups (and sometimes no friends) made me want some stability

43 - Are you in a good or bad mood? - Good to neutral. It’s the weekend

44 - Name someone you can’t live without. - My family and Ryan

45 - Describe your dream date. - Hiking in the mountains, exploring hidden water forms, kayaking in a large body of water (if it’s an ocean, extra points), playing in the water, going to eat sushi, and then resigning back to our bedroom for the end of the night

46 - Describe your dream wedding. - Not expensive.

47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s? - Never really celebrated Valentine’s day. It seems lame to me, whether I’m in a relationship or not. Anymore it’s just an instagram competition and it’s exhausting.

48 - Have you ever been kissed? - A few times

49 - How long is your longest relationship? - 4 years today (exactly. yay happy anniversary Jazmin and Ryan)

50 - Do you regret your past? - No

51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? - Can I? Yeah. Will I? Idk depends on what and who

52 - Have you ever cried over someone? - I’ve cried over everything, i assure you

53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? - Idk probably

54 - Are you a crybaby? - Hell ye

55 - Do people praise you for your looks? - Sometimes

56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t? - No

57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? - Not that i can think of

58 - Do you like getting hurt? - Who likes that?

59 - Does anyone hate you? - If they do i don’t know about it. I’d prefer not to. It’d give me anxiety

60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”? - I’ve never slapped anyone

61 - What hair color do you prefer? - Dark brown

62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? - Wow this brought an onslaught of insecurities. Let’s avoid changing physical appearance and say I’d more pure hearted

63 - Do you love someone as of the moment? - Hell ye

64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? - No

65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school? - I don’t go to school (thank god)

66 - Can you live without internet? - I could but I don’t want to

67 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone? - All of my hard rock, especially Rise Against and Linkin Park. Also You’ll Be in My Heart by Phil Collins

68 - Are you good at holding back your tears? - No. I like to think I can do it but i cannot

69 - Are you a crybaby? - You asked that already. I definitely am

70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? - No

71 - Are you a KPOP fan? - No

72 - Do you study hard? - I study medium

73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? - Yes

74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight? - yes

75 - Have you ever ridden a boat? - Yes

76 - Did you have an accident last year? - Like car accident? No

77 - What kind of person are you? - what the fuck kind of huge ass question is that. Like i even know. look at my blog. it probably won’t help anyway

78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? - No, wtf

79 - Have you ever been jealous? - Oh yeah. Another thing i’d change about myself is being less jealous and focusing on what i have and not comparing myself to anyone else

80 - How can you prove your love to someone? - being emotionally there for them, always listening to them and giving them a shoulder to lean on

81 - What are you thinking right now? - how i’m no longer paying attention to the new bob’s burgers episodes

82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? - fuck who cares about my contacts

83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? - there was this one time in elementary school when i was with my daycare we went to the lincoln children museum and we were in a play vet area and this older boy had a play syringe and said he was going to put me to sleep and that really freaked me out and fucked me up

84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? - I mean probably

85 - Did you ever badmouth someone? - i am a sinner

86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? - wtf i’m not a newborn 

87 - Do you have trust issues? - not really. i’m super trusting

88 - Are you broken-hearted? - no

89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? - ryan

90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? - all what pain? all pain we ever experience? no i don’t think all pain has purpose. some pain is just needless and painful

91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? - not really. i don’t think there’s some predestined future.

92 - Who do you want to marry? - ryan

93 - Do you believe in destiny? - no

94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? - yeah, though i think people could end up with a variety of different partners. I don’t think everyone has only one person.

95 - How do you look right now? - not my best, but lots of side boob

96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies? - no

97 - Have you found your true love? - ye

98 - What should you be doing right now? - paying attention to bob’s burgers, reading my book, or applying to other jobs

99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends. - aaron. there might still be posts on my blog about him somewhere

100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? - eh i don’t think so

[philhoffman]

Tonight’s Monday Philm is one of my favorites of all time, really the first reason I love film as much as I do: Synecdoche, New York (2008), dir. Charlie Kaufman

There is so much about Synecdoche—artistically, cinematically, personally, existentially—that I can’t possibly write about it all. For one thing, it’s confusing as hell. Roger Ebert wrote that you shouldn’t watch Synecdoche unless you’ve already seen it at least once, which is so accurate. As far as the story and details themselves, I cannot recommend the incredible (albeit unfinished) The Genius of Synecdoche, New York series on YouTube enough!

I usually don’t put these under Read Mores but this one is even longer than usual, and personal, so...

Despite being one of my favorite pieces of art, I’ve never actually written a real review or analysis of it. Even when I try (like on Letterboxd) it typically ends up being more about whatever is going on in my life at the time. Which I guess is pretty fitting. Every time I watch it—and viewings themselves feel more like experiences, visits to a different world, sort of a dream, sort of a nightmare—I take away something completely different. New details, new themes.

This was one of the first PSH films I ever watched almost two years ago, which I think I’ve said before is the film equivalent of being thrown in the deep end of the pool to learn to swim. It shook me like nothing I’d ever seen and stuck in my head for days, weeks, in a way I didn’t know movies could. Everything about that time is seared into my memory—the earthy smell of late spring, how green everything was, listening to the score on my runs in the afternoon heat, thinking seriously about art for the first time and death for the millionth time, getting to know Phil. The soundtrack transports me back so powerfully. It clobbered me, gnawed at me.

Phil’s performance here is, obviously, incredible. Even negative reviews (I’ve read a lot) give him credit, even if they find the script or the concept pretentious or too hopeless or boring. Sammy is right about Caden—he’s a self-centered man and all that navel-gazing has led him to collapse in on himself. That doesn’t make him a bad person, exactly, because we all look mostly at ourselves. There are a lot of mirrors in the world.

Sometimes Synecdoche sends me into an existential spiral, sometimes it calms me down. When I was sick and scared because we didn’t know why, it was oddly comforting—I thought about how, regardless of how this particular thing works out, I was going to die like Caden was going to die like Philip was going to die like Charlie Kaufman was going to die like we are all going to die. Sometimes it’s really funny.

Today it dragged me through the fucking mud. I’ve been in a great mood lately and the humor was really standing out, I’ve never laughed at it so much, and then suddenly it was devastating in a way it’s rarely been before. The highest highs, the lowest lows—feeling it all very richly. Midway through the film someone sent me, not kidding, a photo of the church where Phil’s funeral service was held almost nine years ago (the cast of Succession was filming there today, if any Conheads are reading). It knocked the wind out of me. This viewing already felt like a story about a father and his daughter, a father who loves his child but leaves or is left (does it matter how it happened?), and can never fix the damage. “I want to see my daughter... She’s a fucking four-year-old!” “She is almost over 11 now.” It rips my guts out, Caden tells Hazel. With the anniversary approaching, everything is heavier, the grief has been coming in strong waves already. All the reminders in film and in life that he is nowhere to be found. It’s really hard. It’s really dark, too, but films are often the only way I can be within those thoughts and feelings and process them. Seeing Phil at 40 years old, acting 40 years older, the only way we will ever see him at that age. The scene when Caden is shuffling through the abandoned city to their death, you just want to hold him, his aching body that no longer exists. Thinking about it drives me out of my head more than even Synecdoche, which is why I don’t.

I finally understood the full meaning of Jess’s “stomach hurts: bad” scale today, particularly the scene when Caden and Hazel meet up on the street, married with kids to different people. My stomach hurt BAD. The way Caden barely holds himself together though it is clear he’s being torn apart, I’ve never seen that polite devastation portrayed so well. Restraint, wretchedness.

Whenever I try, I end up writing too much and not enough about this film. “I feel a longing.” I wish they didn’t cut Caden’s line from the original script about how he’s started running. Tom Noonan is truly a MVP of this film, he’s such a valuable glue. “I wanna follow you there and see how you lose even more of yourself.” The little girl who played young Olive is on tiktok (I don’t think she acts anymore). The fantastic Christopher Evan Welch’s sermon. Our broken, shattered hearts. The way they swell with love, even after grief. I miss you, where did you go? Why? The last thing Caden Cotard heard in his life was “I love you, too.” I hope it doesn’t always feel this way. It’s probably best to put my head down and just get through the next few weeks.