#and that people calling me an inspiration has nothing to do with my disability/neurodivergence

[a-url-that-exists]

curious so

reblog for sample size!

[owlhari]

a guide to not being ableist about norman becile

greeterings, fellow steam powered giraffe fans. while browsing becile content, i've unfortunately noticed a lot of ableism, both subtle and not, when it comes to folks talking about norman. i want to write a quick "guide" on how to not do that.

some disclaimers: this was not inspired by any particular post or user. it's a general trend i noticed, and to be fair, there are many years-old posts in this fandom with authors that may have changed since writing them.

don't take it as a personal attack if you realize you've done something mentioned in this post. take it as motivation to learn and grow!

also, i do not have a visible body/facial difference or an intellectual disability, but i am physically disabled and neurodivergent in multiple ways. i may have some "authority" on this topic, but don't take my word as the final say for any of this.

mini-essay starts below the cut.

let's start with language.

when describing norman and the 1950 incident, try to use neutral words. instead of saying he is deformed, disfigured, or crippled... say he was changed or transformed.

of course, if you are writing fic where a character is supposed to be ableist towards him, or maybe norman's feelings about himself immediately after the incident, it might make sense to use language with negative connotations.

but out of character, there's no excuse for using slurs. please don't call norman crippled. there are so many other words you can use.

why is neutral language important? because disability is not a negative thing by default. having a facial difference or a cognitive disability is not inherently bad.

(side note that yes, the official timeline uses language that is... maybe not the best. the official timeline also hasn't been updated since 2015.)

sort of related to language, look at canon for norman's speech patterns.

he appears in pages 11 and 12 of the comic, with plenty of dialogue. he does not speak "like a child" or have any apparent speech difficulties. of course, there's nothing wrong with that (i have a stutter! again, disability is neutral!) but the fact is norman speaks like every other character we see in the comic.

he enunciates himself just fine, he uses vocabulary you would expect an adult to use, he can be sarcastic and make jokes.

don't write dialogue for norman where he talks in the way you believe people with intellectual disabilities "should" talk. it just makes you look like a jerk who makes assumptions.

my last big point: wanda and norman's marriage.

it is canonical information that wanda walter married norman and took his last name. wanda's last name being becile in the timeline was confirmed by bunny bennett as not a typo or a mistake, she really did marry norman.

there is no reasoning given for their marriage, and they are never shown interacting in the comic. we don't even have a date for when they got together, aside from the fact that it was before 2015. however, this does not inherently mean their marriage was forced, that they're unhappy, or that wanda "had no other choice."

norman has been living at walter manor since at least 1956. if wanda truly did not want to be around him, why would he be there at all?

she has clearly forgiven him for what he did, else he wouldn't have been allowed to live with her for over fifty years. there are war-enhanced robots in the manor at all times, and you're telling me if norman made wanda uncomfortable in any drastic way, he wouldn't have been kicked out immediately?

of course, as i said, there is no truly canon reason behind their marriage. you're free to headcanon whatever you like. but if you're dead-set on writing that wanda was coerced or married him out of pity, i'd like you to consider why.

if norman didn't have a facial difference, if he wasn't disabled, would you be making those headcanons?

and finally... why does this matter, if norman's appearance isn't anything a human could possibly look like?

it matters because the way you talk about norman might come across as what you think of actual disabled people and it might make actual disabled people uncomfortable.

if your first thought when seeing norman in the comic (who, despite how little we see of him, seems happy and fulfilled) is that he must be a miserable man, suffering from his disabilities, with a wife who married him out of pity... i encourage you to do some reflecting about that.

thank you for reading. please be nice to disabled people, and have a wonderful day.

[wordyladywords]

I have a PLAN, baby, to write up the "Marcy Manual" and give it to your teachers. I want to tell the story of you so that your teachers can better UNDERSTAND you. 

You truly are like me, so I know exactly what you need to be happier at school and life. I have lots of excellent suggestions to make your life easier at school, and then we are going to challenge your teachers to try out my suggestions and see if they notice how much better you do. Because here's the thing, my baby. All the numbers in that IEP say you aren't very smart, and I always knew they were wrong, but now I KNOW. 

Both you and I, baby, have brains that are UNCEASINGLY receiving INPUT from EVERYWHERE and constantly SPINNING like a GYROSCOPE. It causes a lot of anxiety especially when there are a lot of unnecessary demands placed on us. The more DEMANDS and demands, the more anxiety, all the while your brain is just constantly SPINNING. I say my brain is opening browser tabs because I think of my brain like a computer. So all the DEMANDS (the must-do things that only Marcy can do) and demands (the things you CAN'T control but the world expects you to do), noises from different directions, varying light sources and frequencies, people moving around you, keep getting you worked up until your attention latches on to one thought and begins to SPIRAL instead of SPIN.

In an effort to ground yourself, your mind churns it over until you can SOLVE the PROBLEM with a PLAN. If your mind can't come up with a PLAN, then it can't settle, so you have to reach out to someone to help you come up with a PLAN. You are still young and so often need others to help give you more words, and Words, and WORDS to help your mind stop the SPIRAL and return to the glorious SPIN.

The PROBLEM could be big or small and outsiders tend to ignore the small problems and look for big problems. So you end up never getting to talk about the thing that is actually PLAGUING you. Even something as SMALL as “Does my teacher like me?” can throw off the SPINNING and force you to SPIRAL until the question is resolved and your mind can return to its normal SPINNING. The earlier you can sort out a PLAN for the PROBLEM, your brain and your body can STAND DOWN. Once you can STAND DOWN, your brain and body will return to the state that it YEARNS to be in, the SPIN. 

I don't call what I FEEL anxiety, as that is just a word. I call it our FIRE. Everyone has a FIRE they carry in their chest, but those of us who are, what they call autistic, are actually made up completely and utterly of FIRE.

THEY say I have Autism and call it a disability. 

I say I am NEURODIVERGENT and have been GIFTED the POWER of WEAPONIZED AUTISM.

I call us FIRE SHARERS. FIRE SHARERS constantly BURN with the entirety of their mind and body.

We weren't born with hands that REACH OUT as there wasn't any room, 

for those hands that REACH OUT. There is nothing but FIRE.

We are utterly, and sometimes DEVASTATINGLY, consumed in FIRE.... 

But we love to SHARE our FIRE. Our FIRE is the culmination of our BEING. We are constantly consumed in our FIRE, our emotions. When you have discord in your mind and SPIRAL, you feel slower and forgetful because not only is your mind SPINNING and and now SPIRALING, but your body is as well since our body always acts in accordance with the level of SPIRAL and SPINNING in our minds. 

Our mind is always SPINNING, though, it's just that there are levels. We are always going to be in a SPIN and how do we LOVE to SPIN. That is WHO we ARE. A low SPIN is fun, but adding a SPIRAL to the SPIN can be catastrophic. 

We are energetic, sharp, laser focused, and eager to SHARE our FIRE with others, always desperately waiting for an opportunity to SHARE. We will never ask, but will SHARE if WELCOMED. After being WELCOMED a few times either by a particular person or in a particular space, you then don't need to be WELCOMED again and you will be CONFIDENT that you are SAFE to be your AUTHENTIC self, consumed in glorious, awe-inspiring FIRE and DESPERATE to SHARE it. 

You are a gift to the world, to my World, and the UNIVERSE. If someone is not willing to WELCOME you, then they do not deserve to SHARE in the beauty that is your FIRE. The BEAUTY that is you. 

It's sad that schools don't really UNDERSTAND how to be WELCOMING. But don't worry, baby, I intend to TEACH them.

I will be ending that Marcy Manual with this...

“Stop trying to bring me down to your level, just because you cannot rise to mine”

[softgrungeprophet]

tasm is my favorite spidey movie alongside raimi’s sm2 obviously but it definitely falls into a lineage of tropes that is far too prevalent, as far as dr connors is concerned

super frustrating cause i think that movie does a lot of things right in its writing, approach to peter and his relationships, to gwen and may specifically but also uncle ben and even flash in some ways, plus design language (i love sporty suits...) (prefer the eyes in 2 though) etc etc, even the skateboard as a really solid way to call back to the motorcycle— but the whole like “woe is me, nothing is worse than being disabled” thing is extremely obnoxious and mars an otherwise very good movie for me (also the voiceover scene in the deleted scenes is better than the final version imo, the version where it sounds more like a recorded playback fits better aesthetically and thematically imo whereas the final version mostly is just corny and is probably legitimately one of my least favorite scenes in the movie)

tasm2 also imo has similar pitfalls with max, though imo the electro aspect of that movie is by far the best part. i don’t really like the goblin stuff unfortunately lol—except i do think gwen’s death was like, very effective, especially in the context of the first movie and previous fakeouts, so it definitely did that well, even if i think the movie would have been better split into two and allowed more room to breathe for both

this is also a criticism i have of the batman’s depiction of the riddler once unmasked, though in this case the way he’s played onscreen is not the “wow being physically disabled is the worst” sort but rather the “wow look at this neurodivergent creature” sort that is, again, very prevalent in media especially in these genres and is nothing short of maddening as someone with a whole lot of both physically disabled and neurodivergent family members (and myself)

also appears in like.

SO many comic books lmfao

frustratingly widespread. either it’s weird inspiration porn or it’s weird self hatred, spanning all kinds of stuff from romance to horror to action, and it’s like YEAH there are difficulties in being disabled obviously and a lot of people get depressed or have rough patches or self-hatred because of that and because of not being able to do things they used to do but like... this one specific POV (usually a POV that is mostly held by abled ppl) is so deeply overrepresented in media, movies, games, comic books, novels.... where like... being disabled is just the worst possible thing you could ever be, and it’s worse than death, and so on and so forth, as though a man who’s been disabled a long time wouldn’t just be kind of used to it by then lmfao

reason number 454968549 why i find the agent venom origin SO frustrating cause previously, like, you had this whole really solid mini arc in web of spidey about flash coming to terms with his disability and accepting himself and understanding that he can both be loved and love himself while disabled without needing to “fix” that via weird secret government experimentation, and then like... a year or two later you have a comic that literally uses the exact thing that comic showed was not necessary for his happiness (aforementioned secret gov experiments) and said, actually, he IS going to do that, and also, i’m a bad writer who thinks flash is a fucking moron who doesn’t understand how friendship works between tWO PEOPLE HE’S BEEN FRIENDS WITH SINCE HE WAS LIKE 18 i’m sorry i just hate the AV origin so much it’s so contradictory to every aspect of this character

sure character regression happens but that just felt like contradictory writing and the usual lack of interest in character development, in favor of blatant military propaganda and a story the only redeeming aspect of which was, to be quite frank, the art

anyway what was i talking about

oh yeah disabilities aren’t the end of the world and it would be nice if media could approach them better. even stuff that’s otherwise good or that i really like often stumbles in this area, whether it’s various agent venom comics that ALMOST have it (this is often most noticeable in the fact that flash is using hospital-style wheelchairs or the wrong kind of prostheses) or a movie that does everything else just right but drops the ball on self-loathing and what that actually feels like over time (imo) or a game that inexplicably has an entire asylum based subplot for no fucking reason other than the fact that it came out in 2012 and that was en vogue then because of arkham asylum lmao

[unwhitewashthebadbatch]

Disney Email Draft 2

(going under a cut because it's much longer. Here is the Google Doc link for anyone who would like to comment directly)

Reminder that we are encouraging critiques and comments regarding this email!

To Bob Iger, Kathleen Kennedy, Dave Filoni, Jennifer Corbett, and the creative team of Star Wars: The Bad Batch:

We hope this email finds you all well. We are fans of color, disabled fans, neurodivergent fans, and Jewish fans writing out of concern for the portrayal of our communities in the Disney+ series Star Wars: The Bad Batch. For several months now, we have been campaigning on social media to spread awareness about these concerns through #UnwhitewashTBB, a movement we began to raise awareness about the ways in which the series has poorly represented several minoritized groups of people.

Just like the creators of Star Wars: The Bad Batch, all of the creators of #UnwhitewashTBB grew up with Star Wars as the backbones of their childhoods, and for many of us, Star Wars: The Clone Wars was crucial to our development as artists, writers, creators, and lifelong Star Wars fans. We are all firm believers in the phrase “Star Wars is for everyone”, and we would like to see Disney support that message by hearing our plea.

As fans of color, as disabled fans, as neurodivergent fans, and as Jewish fans, we’ve seen ourselves on screen in both good and bad ways, but recently it has been more the latter than the former. One such reason is Star Wars: The Bad Batch, a show whose premise piqued many fans’ interest, but whose main cast has left an increasingly sour taste in the mouths of those who watched.

The series follows an elite squad of clone troopers who have named themselves The Bad Batch, due in part to their series of mutations that gives them an edge over regular clones on the battlefield. These mutations drastically altered the appearance of each of the members to a generally lighter, more Caucasian appearance--one that is inconsistent with how the original Jango Fett actor Temuera Morisson looks. Fans take issue with the implications in the writing and design of The Bad Batch: that in order to be elite, special, and better than one’s contemporaries--in order to have a story worth telling--one must also be white or as close as possible.

Merriam-Webster defines whitewashing as “to alter (something) in a way that favors, features, or caters to white people: such as to alter (an original story) by casting a white performer in a role based on a nonwhite person or fictional character” The #UnwhitewashTBB movement comes with two carrds explaining the grievances of the fans. A summary for each character is given below:

Sergeant Hunter, the leader, closely resembles Sylvester Stallone’s Rambo character, despite being a clone of a man of color. The importance of his character, the fatherliness he has with Omega, and his centrality to both their Season 7 appearance in The Clone Wars and the series itself sends the message that important people look

Wrecker is the demolitions expert, and he’s the only member of The Bad Batch with features similar to that of a Maori man’s, like Temuera Morrison/Jango Fett. He’s large with broad features, brown skin, and is a stereotype of men of color. His personality as first introduced to the audience was that of a loud, aggressive, impatient, slow man who called frequently for violence/destruction. He falls into the “Loveable Brute” trope, an observation that is supported by statements from supervising director Brad Rau and voice actor Dee Bradely Baker that Wrecker is like a little boy and has a heart of gold.

Crosshair is the sniper on the team, and he’s the most derisive of the “regs”--the regular clone troopers. Taken in conjunction with his appearance (inspired by Clint Eastwood), the various messages being sent by the writing and appearance of the other team members, and his comment about the regular troopers--the he and the Batch are superior and thus should join the Empire--his character pushes forth a message that there is superiority inherent in whitened or fully white features.

Tech, the technology specialist, has incredibly light skin and hair compared to the regular clones. His mutation made him a genius, with an IQ that outpaces that of any other clone in the Republic. Fans of color are upset that Tech’s genius mutation apparently also affected his skin color, as now this creates a direct link between intelligence and appearance/race. Contrast Tech with Wrecker, who is the exact opposite in every way, and this harm becomes only more apparent. In addition to this, many Autistic fans of The Bad Batch have noted that Tech, being “on the spectrum” (according to Dee Bradley Baker) is a popular stereotype of Autistic people: a nerdy-looking white man with a formal way of speaking who’s a genius but dismissive of others’ feelings. Baker also plays Tech with a British accent, further cementing the harmful message that intelligence is in some way connected to ethnicity.

Omega is the newest member of The Bad Batch. Despite being a pure Jango clone, she’s come out looking nothing like Boba Fett--she has lighter skin than he does, as well as blonde hair. Fans are concerned about the connection between genetic purity and light skin/blonde hair, as this is directly harmful to the people of color who don’t sport those features.

Echo is the ARC Trooper of the team, but many fans--disabled fans especially--fear that his series of disabilities have reduced him to the “droid sidekick”. Echo does not have a prosthetic, instead sporting a scomp-arm attachment that allows him to plug into computers but would otherwise hinder him greatly in daily tasks. He rarely is the focus of an episode, and the series has not given him as much attention as it has given characters like Hunter and Omega. Disabled fans worry about the lack of attention given to his medical trauma, and fans of color note that his skin color goes beyond what a brown man who’s been without sunlight for a few months would look like.

The issues do not stop here. Asian fans noticed and were harmed by a Tiananmen Square parallel in 1x10, “Common Ground”--a recreation that was led by an Eastern Asian-coded woman. Jewish fans are hurt by the antisemitic stereotype in Cid the broker, a greedy lizard woman who speaks with an accent commonly associated with New York Jews--and who is played by Jewish actress Rhea Perlman. Black fans were harmed by the whitewashing in Saw Gererra and the one other Black character in The Bad Batch being a Black woman who works for the Empire and burns civilians alive.

The full analyses can be found in the official #UnwhitewashTBB carrd: unwhitewashthebadbatch.carrd.co. We respectfully ask that you read this carrd and give a public statement in response to these criticisms.

Our movement has only gained traction since its inception on March 30th, 2021. A few months later, we wrote and released an open letter on Change.org to be signed by supporters of #UnwhitewashTBB, and every day it gains new signatures and draws nearer to the next milestone. A survey we released over a month ago has received over 1,100 responses and also continues to climb. The latter displays a range of opinions regarding The Bad Batch, but one sentiment stands out: Hunter, Crosshair, Tech, Wrecker, Omega, and Echo are written in stereotypical and actively harmful ways. Respondents were shocked at outdated portrayals of Autism, sickened by antisemitic stereotypes, and confused at how, in this current social and political climate, a family-friendly corporation like Disney could greenlight a series that sends a message that is the complete opposite of “Star Wars is for Everyone”. Some sample responses are below:

“I would just like to elaborate on the ableism aspect. As a amputee myself, I don’t like how Echo’s trauma has been ignored. The whole reason he is with the BB is because of what he went through. Losing one limb, never mind multiple, it’s extremely difficult. They made it seem like just because his prosthetic can be of use on missions, that means he isn’t grieving the loss of his actual hand. There is no healing or evolution. It also feels wrong to only address the fact that echo uses prosthetics for the sake of hacking into machinery. Prosthetics are so personal and become a real part of who you are as a person.” - Respondent 130

“...I can't believe Star Wars is still doing this, and that an entire team of animators with a huge budget can't get skin tone right. I didn't even know the clones were supposed to have a NZ Māori accent until a friend told me. That's a big deal, since I live in NZ and hear it every day…” - Respondent 209

“As someone who is neurodivergent myself, Tech and Wrecker just. sting, you know? in a “is that really what you think of us” kind of way. I grew up in an environment where intersectional equality was heavily discussed, and I can still miss things. Having Jewish friends does not mean that Cid’s antisemitic implications can’t go right over my head until someone points them out (thank you).” - Respondent 87

“As a fan of color, its irritating and painful to watch and be brushed off as "lighting issues" and see justifications made by white fans and producers...It also feels very bad to me that TCW spent 7 seasons with several arcs emphasizing that the clones were all as individual as a 'normal' person, but then undo all that with TBB, which centers a group of "special" clones (who are suspiciously white) and have them treat the "regs" as a homogeneous group who are lesser than them, and then expect us to find it within ourselves to put that aside to enjoy the MCs. The way the treat "regs" is very offputting and it made me dislike them since their introduction...Star Wars is no stranger to racist and antisemitic media, but I must say, the blantancy of Sid, a greedy lizard who essentially financially enslaves the protaganists, being Jewish-coded and being protrayed by a Jewish voice actress is really next-level even for Star Wars. As a Jewish fan, it really grates on me.” - Respondent 40

“I’m disabled and autistic, and the ableism is appalling to watch. Watching Echo be treated as subhuman for needing machinery to survive makes me feel like having implants to keep my spine from breaking itself would have me be the pitied member of any group. I am disgusted by the blatant antisemitism, as a fair number of my friends are Jewish and it hurts me to think that people can so easily hate others based on internalized stereotypes. Me and my friends have also critically analyzed the fact that, despite being clones of a character portrayed by Temuera Morrison, for some reason the bad batch look nothing like him in any way. No resemblance in any way: just a bunch of someone’s badly worked characters fraught with disgusting writing decisions and design choices that make no sense. It makes me angry to think that the writers for this show, and to an extent any modern writer, would believe that using harmful tropes to make a story is acceptable and someone brings in profit. I tried to watch it out of fact that my family likes Star Wars and we all grew up watching it, but all of these unhealthy assumptions and terrible choices in terms of writing and design leave a bitter and nauseating feeling.” - Respondent 605

In the survey, various questions were asked about fans’ feelings about The Bad Batch. Before reading the carrd, 34.7% of fans answered that writing was their least favorite aspect of the series, with the next being the main characters. Elaborations in the following free write made clear that the whitewashing and stereotypical writing were huge factors of these opinions. One a 1 to 5 satisfaction scale, 68.1% of respondents rated their satisfaction at a 3 or lower--again, due to the whitewashing and other issues respondents perceived in The Bad Batch. When asked to analyze pre-post carrd-reading feelings regarding the above issues, every category saw a marked increase in awareness of the issue at hand. The perceived prominence of the whitewashing went from 81.3% to 91.4% in respondents. The awareness of ableism jumped almost 30%, from 52.6% to 84.4%. The majority of respondents (59%) were not aware of the antisemitism in the series, but after reading the carrd, that statistic flipped to 80.5%, a near 60% increase from the original 26.7%. Regarding the other racist issues, the respondents went from 63.1% to 83.7%.

Fans of color, neurodivergent fans, disabled fans, and Jewish fans have been waiting for the day where we can see ourselves on screen a level of attention and care that makes us feel even more at home in the Star Wars community . If Disney’s message is truly family-friendly, if Star Wars is for everyone, then Disney needs to support these views with not just words, but with actions. Resolve the racism in Star Wars: The Bad Batch, take out the antisemitism, and treat your nonwhite, disabled, and neurodivergent characters--and fans--with the respect and dignity they deserve.

This will not be a benefit solely to the fans who are asking to be represented properly. In today’s time, popular media is facing a reckoning; media that is inclusive of and respectful towards minoritized groups ends up with leagues more popularity, high ratings, and good reviews than those that don’t. A recent and prominent example is Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, a movie for which the inclusion of Asian-Americans at nearly all levels of production boosted its image and aided in its successful box office release. Black Panther is another prominent example--a movie spearheaded by Black people that completed its box office run at more than five times its initial budget in total revenue. The proper representation of people of color is a two-fold benefit.

Star Wars: The Bad Batch already has beautiful animation that reminds many longtime Star Wars: The Clone Wars fans of their childhood.

It is our hope that you will take our concerns as well as the concerns of others into account, and address the issues that we have outlined in order to better reflect the Walt Disney Company’s commitment to inclusive, diverse entertainment for audiences of all ages. Thank you for your attention to this issue.

Respectfully,

Fans of The Bad Batch

[spencers-renaissance]

💫Moreid Masterlist

GIF by @criminalmindsvibez​

Hurt/Comfort or Angst with a Happy Ending

🌊Still Left With the River

Derek wakes up to find his boyfriend crying on the sofa. Cue the hurt, the comfort, and the fluff.

1.6k, hurt/comfort, fluff, caretaker!derek, autistic spencer, crying, sad spencer

🌳Trees and Seas Have Flown Away, I Call it Loving You

Derek says something hurtful, but it happens to lead to just about the best thing that’s ever happened to Spencer.

3.2k, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, fighting/making up, angst with a happy ending, autistic spencer, coming out, getting together

🍓A Chronicle of Loss

5 people Spencer Reid lost and 1 person he gained. A look at the traumas Spencer faces over the series, and giving him the happy ending he deserves.

3.6k, grief, loss, abandonment issues, insecurity, depression, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, getting together, ‘didn’t know they were dating’, protective derek, autistic spencer

🍯Honeysuckle

The BAU decide to head out for a picnic one summer afternoon, but they’re soon rudely interrupted by a bee sting and anaphylactic shock. Seeing Spencer carted off in an ambulance is not exactly how they expected the day to go.

2.3k, whump, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, hurt spencer, friendship, medical conditions, severe allergic reactions

🌙The Noiseless Crash of Crumbling Walls

After Derek and Spencer are paired up on a science project in their senior year of high school, they become the closest, most unlikely friends possible. But what happens when Derek finally finds out what Spencer's dealing with at home? Inspired by the prompt “where did you get those bruises?”

4.5k, high school au, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, hurt spencer, protective derek, abuse, friendship, pre-slash, spencer just turned 16, derek is almost 18

🔥The Insistent Burn of a Falling Heart  - part two

Derek is hopelessly in love with his childhood best friend, and he can't even escape him at home, since they're living together while they study at Cal Tech. He's resigned himself to a miserable, Spencer-less fate until lasagne, bad memories, and a whole lot of crying bring the real truth out into the open.

4.2k, hurt!spencer, fluff, angst with a happy ending, mutual pining, getting together, college au, first kiss, misunderstandings 

💔let him be soft (and let him be mine) part one // part two

After Derek pulls another self-sacrificing stunt at the culmination of their most recent case, Spencer runs out of their apartment as he desperately grapples with how it makes him feel. (Collab with @criminalmindsvibez​! You can find her complimentary edit here.)

2.4k, hurt/comfort, crying, abandonment issues, injured!derek, hurt!spencer, miscommunication, angst with a happy ending, fluff, protective!derek

🪦how the cold numbs everything but grief

Six days after Emily dies, Spencer finds himself soaked in freezing water, catatonic on the bathroom floor. Only Derek can ease the roaring, burning, demanding agony of this grief.

1.2k, grief/mourning, emily’s ‘death’ in season six, hurt!spencer, hurt!derek, hurt/comfort, angst with a hopeful ending (serious tw for grief here)

✨storm-darkened or starry bright 

Spencer contracts HIV. It all falls apart after that.

6.5k, angst, illness, hurt!spencer, hurt/comfort, worried derek, depression, mutual pining, getting together, angst w a happy ending

⛈this heavy humanness

Spencer leaves the oven on overnight, and Derek - whose pent-up emotions get the best of him - loses it, exposing secrets neither of them expected to be spilled, for two very different reasons. They get there in the end.

3.9k, est. rel., past abuse, arguing & making up, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, miscommunication hurt spencer

💤I turn and reach for you

Three months after Hankel, Spencer starts getting terrible nightmares that keep him up at night. He tries desperately to keep his secret until one day when it's all too much to bear anymore. Luckily, Derek Morgan is there to hold him together as he falls apart.

2.1k, nightmares, hurt/comfort, ptsd, angst with a happy ending, fluff, literal sleeping together, getting together, post-revelations

Pure Fluff

🌒when I fall asleep (it is your eyes that I close)

Spencer’s not been sleeping, and as much as Derek adores his sleepy clinginess and physical affection, as soon as they get home he’s determined to get to the bottom of it.

1.9k, fluff, hurt/comfort, sleep-deprivation, clingy!spencer, physical affection, anxiety, cuddling

🎄A Christmas Like This

Spencer has a very specific plan for their first Christmas in their new house, and it has to be absolutely perfect. Derek’s going to do everything in his power to make his boyfriend as happy as possible, even if that means a house covered in garlands and a tree covered in animal skeletons…

2.9k, fluff, christmas fic, est relationship, neurodivergence, romance, domesticity, day in the life

💍my heart talks about nothing but you

Derek finds Spencer staring longingly at dancing newlyweds while on a case and once he gets to the bottom of why he’s tasked with making a proposal to a man who knows it’s coming special somehow. (He pulls it off.)

2.5k, established relationship, hurt/comfort, minor angst, fluff, relationship discussions, proposal, protective derek

✨I told the stars about you - part two

Derek and Spencer have their first date. They dance to Frank Sinatra and cuddle in an ice cream parlour, before kissing the hell out of each other at Spencer's front door. That's pretty much it. (Prequel to above fic.)

2.1k, first date, first kiss, pure tooth-rotting fluff, dancing, flirting, protective derek

🎂I can’t hold enough of you in my hands - part three

Derek and Spencer are finally getting married and the rest of the BAU are there to help them through every step of the day. Including a little surprise that Derek has up his sleeve for their first dance. (Third part to the above two fics.)

3.1k, tooth-rotting fluff, marriage/wedding day, team as family, team dynamics, domesticity, paternal hotch, maternal alex, just a whole lotta love man

🔪Shovel Talk

Hotch and Emily find out about Derek's relationship with Spencer and decide it's time for a chat.

1.5k, fluff, humour, est. rel., protective!derek, emily, and hotch, relationship reveal, mentions of past hurt spencer

📚I’ll (Never) Know What It’s Like Not to Love You

Spencer finds his old journals in the attic, and he and Derek reminisce on the days they used to pine for one another. Luckily, those days are over, and they have forever ahead of them.

1.3k, tooth-rotting domestic fluff, past mutual pining, past hurt!spencer, cuddling & snuggling, late canon

Getting Together

🌨Even More Beautiful

The BAU is stuck in Michigan with no case and no way home, so naturally, Spencer and Derek confess their love for one another. (Based on the prompt ‘You look even more beautiful covered in snow.’)

3.5k, fluff, love confessions, shy spencer, insecurity, hurt/comfort

🎧Hear it in the Silence

A short, fluffy chronicle of Spencer realising in increments how in love with Derek he is, and navigating a real, beautifully sweet relationship that's not always smooth sailing, especially since he's been hurt before. (Based on Taylor Swift’s You are in Love.)

3.7k, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, dev relationship, tw past abuse, domesticity

🎅🏼Secret Santa

Penelope rigs the BAU’s Secret Santa game to finally get Derek and Spencer together with extraordinary success, and they have her to thank for their future first date. Oh, and a sprig of mistletoe nearly throws the whole thing out the window.

2.8k, fluff, getting together, insecurity/anxiety, christmas fic, first kiss, misunderstandings, friendship

🌳The One Constant

Derek wakes up after having his appendix removed with temporary amnesia from the anesthesia, and Spencer certainly isn't prepared for the man he's pined after for four years to a) not recognise him, and b) start flirting with him. It all works out in the end, with a little help from Hotch.

4k, hurt/comfort, fluff, mutual pining, insecure spencer, flirting, getting together, misunderstandings, first kiss

☕️i’ll retire my bones to make you tea and read you poetry

Derek doesn't exactly expect to invite a sleepy Spencer over for a movie night after a case, but his blinding smile in response makes him happy he did. The kiss they share the next morning makes him even happier.

3.6k, fluff, getting together, cuddling, insecure!spencer, pet names, mutual pining, light hurt/comfort, first kiss, love confessions

Embarrassed!Spencer Drabble

A misunderstanding at a BAU get together has Spencer embarrassed and a long-awaited kiss finally happening.

1.2k, fluff, angst, getting together, first kiss

AU

📚100

Spencer's an academic researcher who spends every morning at his local library. Derek just happens to drop by one Tuesday and ask the pretty boy in the classics section if he can help him find a book. Sparks fly.

2.1k, library au, fluff, meet-cute, pining, shy spencer, coming out

💣Mayhem

Imagine that scene in S4E1 when Derek is driving the ambulance loaded with a bomb about to explode, except it’s Spencer on the other end of the phone and they finally get their shit together.

4.2k, canon divergence, spencer is the tech analyst, getting together, mutual pining, insecure spencer, angst with a happy ending, fluff, declarations of love

🧑🏻‍🦽 dry me off and hold me close

Derek has finally relented and is bringing his boyfriend Spencer to meet the rest of the team. That means, though, he has to finally tell them about his boyfriend's disability. Terrified that they'll react badly, he puts it off until he can't anymore. Turns out he was worried for nothing

5.7k, so much fluff, protective derek, disabled spencer, caretaker derek, spencer is not in the bau, team as family, hurt/comfort, light angst, est. rel, chronic illness, slice of life: disabled edition

💐I’ll bloom for you (while my heart still cries)

(Based on the age-old tumblr prompt) "Sometimes I steal flowers from your garden on my way to the cemetery and today you've caught me and insisted on coming with me to make sure the 'girl is pretty enough to warrant flower theft' and I'm trying to figure out how to break it to you that we're on our way to a graveyard."

3.7k, fluff, meet-cute, au: student spencer, fbi agent derek, hacker penelope, grief & mourning, shy spencer, getting together, mutual pining

🌖This Gravitational Pull

Penelope Garcia sets her two best friends Derek & Spencer up on a blind first date. Even with the best intentions and highest expectations, no-one could've predicted it would go quite this well.

2.9k, fluff, first date, au: diff first meeting, shy spencer, insecurity, anxiety, flirting, cuddling, protective derek, silly amounts of affection

[monsterqueers]

New Essay Up

New essay up on the website!

props and credit to @shadowfae , whos panel on problematic sources at Othercon 2021 motivated and inspired me to write about morality differences.

Alignments - A Memory Dump Essay

Essay has also been transcribed under this readmore if thats easier to read for anyone.

Morality, in The Before, was different, in the sense that there were Allignments.

I am A Silver Dragon, from a slightly AU-ed Dungeons and Dragons world. Alignments there dictated whether you were good or evil, lawful or chaotic. You may have seen the grid around, the nine squares with things like ‘neutral good’ and ‘lawful evil’ on them. This is that.

When I say ‘good’ and ‘evil’ I mean a different concept than the behavior choices that fall into ‘doing harm’ and ‘helping people’. There were words differing between the two in dragonic, though I do not remember them now, for what I am talking about.

In this world, ‘good’, ‘evil’, ‘lawful’ and ‘chaotic’ - the dragonic forms of these words, were not behavior descriptors, nor intention descriptions. They were factions, and many species simply could not choose their born faction or change it very much if they could. These factions were generally due to god interference in the creation of that species, and it meant certain magics worked or did not work against/for them or they had traits that were often seen as harmful. The correct translation for ‘good’ and ‘evil’ is more accurately ‘darkness’ and ‘light’, though lawful and chaotic are close enough to ‘things that follow order’, and ‘things that reject order’.

These alignments said very little about the behavior they exhibited or the morals they had. The dragonic word for ‘evil’ as in how people here use it to mean ‘does harm to others’ could be retranslated as ‘being an asshole’. A person aligned lawful good could regularly commit tax fraud and beat their wife, and a person who was chaotic evil could be a pacifist who gardens and is passionate about healthcare reform.

For some of the littlefolk (the Polite translated dragonic word for humans and elves and the like), this was more flexible, and generally littlefolk would not consider those who did large amounts of harm to their in-group to be good aligned, nor people who had never done harm any worse than neutral, despite this not being the case magically speaking. It could make things rather confusing when talking to the layman, as much of the littlefolk could simply choose whatever faction they liked and often could jump ship whenever they liked too.

There were other various littlefolk somewhat limited in their alignment choice however- a Drow could not be ‘good’, and Aasimir could not be ‘evil’, for example. Usually this was split down the good and evil, rather than lawful and chaotic, as the ‘good’ and ‘evil’ deities held the most active sway.

Think of it like nationality, I suppose. Its the closest equivalent. Some people can't ever gain citizenship in a country other than their country of birth even if they want to, others can do so with a bit of work.

Dragons, however, didn’t have this sort of choice. All true dragons were born a specific alignment to do with their species, and inherent instincts to follow the tenants generally professed by that faction. This is one of the major traits that separated a True -also known as Greater- Dragon from other dragonic creatures, such as fairy dragons, wyverns, and rust dragons, actually. Other dragonic creatures had some wiggle room.

Chromatic dragons were all evil aligned, Gem dragons were all neutral aligned, and Metallic dragons were all good aligned. Planar dragons, while true dragons, were another matter and their alignments were to nothing on the scale as their origin points and commitments were beyond the gods of that my former plane’s influence. Lung dragons were a type of Planar dragon in my canon, instead of their own category.

The individual species of those groupings each had a assigned further spot. A Gold Dragon was ALWAYS Lawful Good, whether they are an abhorrent entity or not, and a White Dragon was always Chaotic Evil.

The individual species were as follows(* for ones that are AU to dnd 5e canon but are true to mine):

Chaotic Evil - Red, Black, Yellow, White

Neutral Evil - Brown, Purple*, Gray

Lawful Evil - Blue, Green

Chaotic Neutral - Topaz, Crystal

True Neutral - Amber, Amethyst, Obsidian*, Prismatic

Lawful Neutral - Emerald, Sapphire

Chaotic Good - Copper, Mercury*, Brass

Neutral Good - Silver*, Iron*

Lawful Good - Gold, Bronze, Platinum*, Steel

So I was and am a Silver Dragon. Bahumat created metallic dragons with the intention of combating His sister Tiamat, who created chromatic dragons in turn. The deities of Law and Chaos- neither touched my kind deeply. We could use all magic aligned with the light or neutral powers, and none of the dark. There was little magic that was specifically aligned with order and chaos, but all of that was accessible, provided the spell was not of the shadow. Things that repelled creatures of the light could keep me out.

The more ‘good’ creatures that existed in the world in relation to ‘evil’ ones brought more and less power to Bahumat and Tiamat in their eternal fight. So long as one ‘good’ or ‘evil’ creature existed, neither god could die and they were driven to wipe each other out. The same could be said of the law and chaos deities.

Of my life, the beginning is murky. Once I was grown enough to roam, I first Adventured with a elven rider companion and then lived upon a mountain lair until my death. Towards the middle and latter end, the towns at its base paid me rites and respect for my guardianship. These rites did technically elevate me to a minor god* capable of working greater magic. I also had a village much closer to and in my lair, one where I took those who asked my asylum who perhaps needed greater safety or guidance.

I would defend my territory and would help those who asked. It was a good life, and I hold little to no exotrauma from it.

*not to be confused with Greater gods, which are what effect Alignment or embody big concepts, minor gods are just those who are Believed in by enough people- and thus given power from that collective Belief

The divide between what was and what is is deeper and more shallow that one would expect, all at once.

I’ve started tentatively identifying as a walk-in relatively recently, my selfhood simply showed up one day and the original, whos interests, opinions, demeanor, and identity was different than mine disappeared shortly thereafter. The system has many theories on how exactly this happened, the origins thus such, and how much of the original’s ego was made into me, and also exactly when. The transition was rather seamless and there was much brain weirdness to muddle it all and convince me that I have always been here. None of us know the answer, and it generally doesn’t matter in practice.

The experiences of the original that I inherited gave a large amount of distance to this life. For reference, I Awakened as a Silver Dragon ~2014 perhaps 2015 -time is muddy- or so- having finally put together all the noema and shifts and assorted feelings that were not my cat theriotype into what they were. I had been in the body for a good handful of years previous to that, however. It gives me a distance from that life. My memories and retained selfhood from that life are dull- a botched reincarnation. I remember just enough- I experience just enough bleedover that it upholds a pillar of my identity and I still identify as the being of that life, but not so much I am exactly as-is.

I want to do a little disclaimer- The statement that this definitively IS a past life and I AM a walk in and these ARE memories of a past life is a theory, not fact. I do not and cannot know if my theory is right, and I have a healthy dose of skepticism in regards to this. My experiences could be sourced to many things, however I experience my draconity in a fashion that is similar to how others describe their past life experiences. It fits accounts better than the accounts of people who are not past-life otherkin. It feels right to describe these experiences as such, and so I do. Perhaps one day my understanding of this may change, but for now it is as such.

Returning to the topic at hand; its a point of frustration to me almost to the point of dysphoria, how good and evil, and moral and immoral are used in society here and how. Good and evil denote both the ingroup-outgroup AND the moral standard, equating sinful with strange with harmful behavior. Evil no longer means ‘entity supporting or created by Tiamat’- who is night and shadow. Good no longer means ‘entity supporting or created by Bahumat’- who is day and light.

The congruence of good with helping and evil with harming is far more intense here, Bahumat and Tiamat as I know them hold no power here- as they shouldn’t. Their place was in my old reality and that is as far as those entities reach. The assignment of moral values to enjoyment of a thing or thoughts, rather than actions is wholly new, and honestly quite unpleasant.

Evil here, becomes ‘entity that enjoys harming’ and often ‘anyone I don’t like’

Good here them also becomes ‘entity that enjoys helping’ and often ‘anyone I do like’

There will be people who insist to ignore people that do that last part and claim that it doesn’t matter- that the social realities of how others assign you do not matter, but I disagree.

Being queer, kinky, mentally ill, neurodivergent, disabled, and a strong leftist among other things means people will think me evil for existing quite a bit. Stigmatized minorities are othered, our traits become evil no matter how kind we may be.

Society calls us evil, has designated us evil- alright, how is this a bad thing?

Disassociating Evil from moral allows one to reclaim Evil. Ok, we are Evil now, but oh, no less kind. No less caring. Take the words slung at you and make armor out of them.

And also no matter how kind you may be, by this metric if you enjoy causing pain and destruction, you are evil.

This… is a thoughtcrime thing. No matter how you conduct yourself in life, if you enjoy pain you are evil to society at large. So as above, unlink Evil from Moral, and it is reclaimable.

How people assign you is a material reality you can choose to make hold no power over you. You can make it your own scales.

It is for the reason of words changing meanings, of the fact that my god I was born to does not reach here and thus frees me from obligations, that I no longer identify as Neutral Good. It simply does not mean the same thing anymore and I can now choose my alignment besides. Bahumat was no terrible god to serve or anything, but I would have appreciated the choice if it was not hardwired into my dragon brain at the time to be devoted to such a being.

I take joy in harm and at the same time take joy in helping, I think the absence of care of society is not something I can do, nor do I think rigid obedience is right.

Thus I would consider myself in the alignments of this world today as True Neutral.

Not to mention I have chosen the service of a True Neutral god in Cernunnos, so by my former world’s standards I am True Neutral now as well.

It feels right, to identify as such now. Society considers me evil enough I am too sin-stained to be good, but I have too much love of creation and helping to be wholly evil.

I believe that rules are necessary or we get Situations that cause harm to others, but at the same time am too Anarchist-leaning to not chafe under absolute order.

Still, the... Dissatisfaction with how people use alignments here persists.

[nicad13]

Fic Writer Interview

Tagged by: @retro-jupiter Aw, thanks!

Name: NiCad. She’s an unabashed self-insert Transformers character I wrote like, 25 years ago. Unlike most self-inserts, she’s clumsy, nerdy, non-charismatic, and had no romantic relationship in the story she appeared in.

Fandoms: Currently Mandalorian, but I started writing fanfic with Transformers back in 1996! I have a huge re-write of my old stuff I’ve been working on for years but haven’t touched since Mando grabbed me. I’ll circle back to it eventually.

Two-shot: I think my only one is Turning the Corner – an exploration of Din’s younger years, his not-so-enjoyable time with Xi’an, and the possible reasons he was able to get out of that situation.

Most popular multi-chapter: Crossroads. Post-season 1, Din runs in to a Jedi survivor of Order 66. The kid takes a liking to her. Din learns that armor isn’t the only thing that can protect them. Angst, adventure, intrigue, and found family shenanigans ensue.

Actual worst part of writing: I used to think it was the demons in my head that wouldn’t shut up about the stories they want to tell. Usually it was exhilarating, but sometimes it was annoying when I’d get distracted from work & other real-life things that needed my attention. Now I realize it’s when the demons get half-way through the story and then go silent. WHERE DID YOU GO WE HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS. I can coax them back out when I have long, uninterrupted stretches of time, but I don’t seem to get those very often.

How you choose your titles: I usually go for a few words that I think will grab the most attention and are still descriptive of the story. For the Crossroads chapter titles, I stuck with the format of that Mandalorian had for the episode titles: “The [Noun].” The exception was the last episode, which was simply “Redemption,” so I did the same with the last chapter: “Home.”

Do you outline: Not usually. My one-shots usually come in one short, intense burst, downloaded directly from the brain demons, so they don’t require one. For long, multi-chapter ones where I’m jumping around and not writing linearly, I’ll set up a timeline after a while so I have something quick to refer to and remind myself of what happens when. This (hopefully) keeps me from referring to things that haven’t happened yet by mistake, and also keeps things like X happened a few weeks ago during chapter 1, a few months ago during chapter 2, six months ago in chapter 3, etc. One thing I do try to be good about is getting to the computer as soon as I can when a snippet hits me so I can write it down. I don’t worry about where exactly in the story it should go – I just stick it in a file called “scraps” to start with just to preserve the idea. Sometimes it’ll live there for a while before I pluck it out and transplant it to its home in the story, sometimes it gets re-homed almost immediately. A few sit there and never find their way in, but maybe inspire different versions of themselves.

Ideas I probably won’t get around to but wouldn’t it be nice: I have some dim visions of Grogu as Mand’alore, leading the planet through centuries of peace and prosperity.

Callouts @ me: I’m not sure what this is asking, but a couple other answers I’ve seen seem to be philosophy about fanfic. So uh… write for yourself, primarily. Write to satisfy the voice in your head that won’t shut up until you record its words. If you want to write well, seek out advice from those who also write well, and be ready to learn from them. If you’re writing only to gain popularity, you’re writing for the wrong reason and will only be disappointed.

Best writing traits: I’d say I’m best at angst and other emotional darkness. I grew up consuming Stephen King at an inappropriately young age, and I think it shows. His memoir, On Writing, also has nice bits of writing advice. The two bits that struck me the most are 1 – write the first draft with the door closed (don’t think about what others will think about it), and 2 – adverbs are not your friend (i.e., “He placed the Darksaber on the table with great care” instead of “He carefully placed the Darksaber on the table”).

Spicy tangential opinion: I have some… complex opinions about reader-insert fics that I’m not sure I’m able to outline without pissing people off. Like, I have no moral objection to them and they make lots of folks happy and that’s fine. Some of them work reallywell when they focus on the reader’s emotions and experiences. In the context of Mandalorian fanfic, that can serve to make Din even more mysterious – using a restricted POV is a great tool to get us in on the challenge of figuring out such a walled-off and inaccessible character. The ones that violate that and go second-person omniscient POV – that somehow the reader knows everything that others think of them and everything that’s going on just… confuse me. I can kinda forgive it in the current era of a deadly airborne infectious disease pandemic when dating IRL has come to a screeching halt, so I understand the need to substitute for that. Otherwise, go third-person POV and develop the original character.

The one social objection I have to reader-insert fics is when they come at the cost of strong female characters, particularly characters of color, LGBTQ+, neurodivergent, people with disabilities, or otherwise under-represented folks. Reader-inserts are designed to be as generic as possible so that anyone can slip their skins on and off, and they read like a lot of lost opportunities when it comes to representation. And forget about passing the Bechdel test if you don’t even have a name for your own character. We need to challenge ourselves and (gasp) have two women characters who have names and who talk to each other about something other than men and babies. I can count the number of Mandalorian fanfic authors I’ve read that pass this on one hand. (I know there are more, but y’all can take a decent guess about the ratio.) We can do better.

No pressure tagging: Oh, I'm so bad at this and I have no idea who's already done it. Here goes nothing. @hauntedfalcon @bethagain @fanfoolishness

[howtobeapersonwithfibro]

Whoo boy my brain is overwhelmed right now but I wanted to give my thoughts on a disability-related book I just finished in just a few days: The Invisible Life of Ivan Isaenko. As a physically disabled person who works in a school for the blind (and all manner of other additional physical & mental disabilities) it was exciting to pick up a book that actually had disabled characters at its center.

The book centers around a disabled teenager, Ivan, who has lived his whole life in a small hospital populated with other sick/disabled youths in Belarus who were born in the wake of Chernobyl. Ivan is missing all limbs except one hand and is facially disfigured. He has basically nothing to do in this hospital he’s spent his entire life in, and he has a decent cognitive ability, so his boredom leads him to be an asshole to everyone around him. Enter sick girl that he’s interested in, Polina, and he befriends her and they end up having a little romance (not too nauseating for me) before she dies. 

I got this book at the dollar store, so I wasn’t expecting much. Instead, I found myself drawn in as I found a book that (finally) was filled with disabled characters and didn’t paint an inspiration-porn picture. If anything, it was very much on the gritty and grim side of things. I flew through the book in three days and really enjoyed it, though it did make me sad at some points. 

Out of curiosity, I hopped over to Goodreads only to find that the review page for this book is a bit of a shitshow. An Autism Mom took great offense to this book because of the way some autistic-coded side characters were described in the book. It wasn’t exactly pretty, but the narrator described how they were analyzed and treated by Soviet-era doctors (for example, a nonverbal boy named Dennis who spends most of his day rocking was diagnosed by doctors as having “no soul” and Ivan uses his rocking periods to measure time because they are consistent; he also plays pranks on nonverbal twins in order to try to elicit a response). Look, I love and respect neurodivergent people and I value their opinions - but hearing an opinion from a mom is not the same as hearing an opinion from the ND individual.

I didn’t think the narrator had a particularly bad opinion of the autistic-coded characters - he’s just an asshole who plays pranks to fill his endless days of hospitalization. He didn’t particularly care about his fellow patients as people, same as he didn’t care about the nurses or anyone else (save one motherly nurse who was actually nice to the kids). He details the abuses dealt to the other kids by the nurses and calls them cruel. He iterates the diagnoses of the kids as he understands them in Soviet-era medical context. I don’t find his descriptions to be malicious (though his pranks were) or derogatory; mostly, he just states his observations. Ivan, the narrator, doesn’t read as the most neurotypical individual either, mind you.

Of course all of the disabled characters had value and deserved compassion, but to Ivan, they were side characters in his story. I wish he had engaged with more of them in a positive way (he sometimes spent time reading stories or caring for a baby, Max, but that’s about it), and not solely befriended the cancer girl who was described as pretty. The book wasn’t perfect by any means, but it didn’t read to me like a hateful rhetoric trashing neurodivergence/developmental disabilities. I respect other people’s opinions, but it was enjoyable for me to read a grim disabled perspective for the first time in a long time. 

TL;DR: I enjoyed the book The Invisible Life of Ivan Isaenko, which centers around a disabled narrator in a Soviet-era hospital for sick/disabled kids in Belarus. Read at your own discretion, since it has sparked controversy, mostly in the Autism Moms community.

Yes, I would love to see better autism/ND representation. But as I read it, this book didn’t seem hateful towards the ND characters - it read to me as fairly neutral and era-accurate. No book is gonna have it all, and this was a decent story (in my opinion) about a physically disabled teenager.

I’m completely open to discussion from other members of the disabled/neurodivergent community, if anyone happens to read this book.

[pinkletterday]

Writer's Year In Review

This year has been a revelation. I went from deeply, irrevocably believing I can't write fiction at all to knowing that I'm actually pretty good at it!

It's given me the confidence to find work as a freelance writer and editor in real life, after years of unemployment and anxious paralysis resulting from chronic illness and trauma. A lot of other factors also helped but the fic writing played a huge role in getting my shit together.

General Fic Stats:

Word Count on AO3: 92284

Fics posted to AO3: 23

Favourite Fic:

Kiss It Better (Westallen).This fic is my baby. I love little Iris and little Barry in it so much, the hurt and confusion in each other they attempted to heal, how that healing carried into their adult love and family. It will always and always be my favourite thing I have ever written. Wee!stallen is my jam, and the reason I ship them so damn hard.

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). Ngl, I love this for the sheer amount of truly gratifying comments. Every single one of them have been emotional and flaily. It all makes me feel like I may have finally levelled up. Hallelujah. xD

Funniest Fic:

The Care and Feeding (Queenwestallen). This is my ultimate OT3. This fic, written as a list and discussion is 95% humour and contains some of my best banter and (I feel) characterization. An element I'm really proud of is how I managed to center and include all their important non-romantic relationships in their conversations. Iris's boisterous female friends, Oliver's friends, Cisco and Caitlin's snarky commentary all shoehorned themselves into the list with hilarious and wholesome results. 

It's not a popular OT3 but I feel like it's a good first attempt to drag this ship to water. xD

Cutest Fic:

Dancing Queen (Olivarry). Even after a year this contiues to be the fic with the highest kudos ratio (except for the more recent one) and the second most bookmarked. I love getting comments on this because they are all some variation of "my teeth hurt. I have diabetes!" xD Well, I did build it around a rainbow sprinkle icing sugar donut, but there is a significant dollop of angst there in the middle. A flangst donut.

Your Vigil In My Keeping (Westallen). This fic has less than 200 hits but has the highest kudos ratio of all. I guess kid fic isn't everyone's cup of tea, but Wee!stallen is cute af yo. I headcanon the origins of Barry and Iris's steadfast partnership in this story, where her faith and belief in him is as strong as his protectiveness of her, all tied up in the language and innocence of children.

Kinkiest Fic:

WA Smut and Kink Collection. I literally just posted this yesterday lol. So far it's just a face-sitting short, but I have quite a few hard and soft kinks lined up. Westallen needs more hard smut tbh, and they have such a unique powerfully loving dynamic that every kink I'm writing has required me to come at it a little bit sideways with a whole lot of emotional focus.

Saddest Fic:

Three fics I can't choose from.

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). This is basically Iris's grief and fear in a raging tempest, and it's strongly implied that the future Nora has warned them of will come to pass regardless of what they do. The fact is that there already is and will be a timeline where Iris loses Barry, just as there must be one where she won't, because that is the nature of potentiality. 

The Paradigm of Uncertainty (Westallen). This was a drabble almost, that ruminates on the probability that speedsters do not erase timelines but abandon them, along those versions of their loved ones. It's as @rkwago's brilliant comment says: "Iris hurts in so many weird, cosmic ways that her life is almost an eldritch horror house," which is the most perfect description ever of what it means to be a time traveller's wife.

The Universal Constant (Gen, background WA). A lot of people find the way Barry goes off on Joe cathartic in this fic, and so do I. But it's not so simple. I don't think Joe was wrong to form the views he did, or that anyone was in the wrong really. As @sophiainspace pointed out, it's a mediation of grief and love, their parallels and continuations between parents and children and lovers. The fact that it takes Henry's death for Barry to find the adult language to articulate to Joe why he will always believe in his father's innocence is a tragedy that cuts three ways.

(This fic is also the reason I have a folder in my drive marked "how to get away with murder" and probably a likely reason to get me arrested one day. xD)

Most Popular Fic:

Strangers In The Cold (Coldflash). The Coldflash fandom is a joy to feed. This was my first smut fic which was preceded by an entire chapter of banter about nothing in particular (except it ended up establishing a background that gave birth to the Coldflash vs Olivarry polyam series) And holy wow, for a newbie writer, the response has been amazing. Looking back, I wince at a lot of writing mistakes and its undeniably rough, but it really bolstered my confidence.

(I feel a little guilty that all my other CF stories are still in my WiP folder while I update the polyam series at snail's pace.)

The Shape of Us (Westallen). I wrote this on tumblr half-asleep one night, half as a rambly headcanon...and woke up to literally one hundred freaking notes. What the hell. Now at over 260, it's the most popular fic I've ever posted on tumblr.

I never consciously intended it to be a body-positivity fic but apparently women really relate to the insecurities of growing older and watching our bodies change with marriage, children and the sheer hectic pace of life. Even my non-fandom friends reblogged it simply for its representation of "real women". Barry's response is my own wish fulfillment fantasy; the sort of total acceptance and validation that we wish we could hear it the times we can't find it in ourselves. In light of the virulent body-shaming Candice Patton has been subjected to ever since she was revealed to have gained a fuller figure in S5, I'm very glad to have written it.

Least Popular Fic:

Carry On (Gen) This character study of Oliver Queen only has 135 hits a year after posting, which is par for the course with gen. But has a solid 12% kudos ratio, which means it's probably as good as I think it is. It's one of my favourite and easiest fics I have ever written.

Love Me Like You Do (Olivarry) Lordy, if my first Coldflash smut filled me with confidence, my first Olivarry smutfic all but ruined it. I struggled with it for a long time, unlike SitC, which I suppose shows in the over-descriptions. I got carried away with the quipping and I guess Barry topping at all is really not popular with slash fans?

Still, I'm honestly toying with the idea of deleting and rewriting it. At least it was a learning experience - don't write smut unless it makes you feel horny yourself.  

Most Challenging Fic:

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). I think the reason stories you knock off in two hours are instantly popular while the ones you slaved over for weeks barely get any attention is because the process is reflected in the ease of reading. But this one is an exception. It was an absolute monster, taking three weeks and several revisions to wrestle into submission - and it paid off in spades!  Going by the response, I seem to have achieved the wow factor I was going for.

My only regret is that I posted it on tumblr before the last revision that finally made it work, so that too many readers saw the lacklustre version rather than the polished one.

Honorable Mention:

A Stitch In Time (Olivarry for now, eventual Queenwestallen) Baby's first multi-chapter! Admittedly chapters 3 and 4 have been languishing in my drive for a few months now and this thing has 100% more deleted scenes and outtakes posted to my tumblr than the actual story on AO3. But I'm so proud of it! I learned to write action scenes because of it, how to write climaxes, dream sequences, news articles and tell a story in several different formats. It made me rediscover my empathy for Felicity and write her as a PoV character, think deeply on Laurel Lance's losses and give voice to her struggles, and explore how a real friendship and understanding could evolve between Oliver and Iris out of their mutual love for Barry. (Centering female characters within manpain narratives, ftw! Otoh, I centered Iris so much it veered off the Olivarry rails into Queenwestallen territory on its own)

There is so much meaty conflict and delicious looming disaster in this story that I'm determined going to keep at it, even if slow and steady. If only to bring the light of Barry/Iris/Oliver into the world. xD

Holding On (Olivarry). This real-world disability AU deals with chronic and mental illness and the precariousness and personal demons of that reality. I tore out the rawest parts of my life for this fic and put them on display so that I couldn't bear to show it to anyone for a year after it was written.

I'm very glad I did finally brush it off and put it up because it has struck a chord with so many people, especially other Spoonies. The low number of hits on a fic that deals in hurt/comfort rather stings, as I can't help but think the disinterest is because of the "disability" and "neurodivergence" tags. But I still think it's one of the best things I've written and one I'll always be proudest of.

General Reflections:

Things I've learned over the past year of writing:

- Self-deprecation is not my friend. I need to be honest enough with myself to acknowledge when my writing is good, because either I self-validate and build confidence or I become a black hole of insecurity where validation goes to die. And if I think I'm a bit better than I actually am, it's not just okay but necessary to believe it.

- What I call writer's block is perfectionism, anxiety and physical and mental fatigue. If I don't eat, sleep, hydrate and acheive a relaxed mental state, I won't be able to write. 

- Momentum is more my friend than any amount of inspiration and motivation. Sitting my ass down and make it a habit to churn out X number of words a day, even bad writing, will do more to help me than polishing an idea to a high shine. 

- If I don't forgive myself for the stories I can't write I'll never write anything. I am doing this for free, to share the love and joy and therefore obligated to no one. 

- I'm capable of writing things I don't have the first idea how to write. My fingers on a keyboard can paint the picture my brain can't visualize. 

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I am going to make it a personal goal to write at least 15k words per month, learn to stick to a posting schedule where possible.  and end next year with an additional 150k words posted. 

To everyone who follows this blog, commented, reblogged and liked my posts - I see and remember and appreciate every one of you. You're the reason I feel seen and valued and why I am motivated to keep writing through all the difficulties life throws at me. <3<3<3

[dirkthedork-blog]

Writing Tag!!

I got tagged in this thing twice!!

Rules: answer the 10/11 questions given to you by the person who tagged you, and then write your own 10/11 questions and tag 10/11 people to answer them.

For my first set of questions, I was tagged by @isaac-lacey

1: Do you listen to music while writing?

Yup, I generally put a playlist on or put all my music on shuffle, I’ll generally listen to some classics, or some real feel-good music and songs I really enjoy or haven’t heard for a while.

2: your favorite character from any of your work?

Probably Delian//Nolan (I’m rewriting and the names have all been changed). He’s very….. interesting. Either that or Tysh//Delilah she’s just sort of awesome to write about, plus I relate to her with dysphoria and trans issues and etc.

3: Eat anything while writing?

Eh. I don’t really eat much any time? So no.

4: Drink anything while writing?

LOTS AND LOTS OF COFEE (generally made by the cute bakery boy next door)

5: do you multi-task while writing?

Not really. I mean sometimes I’ll use it as like a break from assignments when I’m really busy, and sort of write a bit every time I finish a part of whatever I’m doing.

6: outlining or no?

Oh man, I used to do like a really basic outline. Like, really basic. I had a piece of paper with dot points on it that vaguely outlined the plot and I’d just go from there. But with my last two WIP I started doing chapter outlines and detailed character profiles and etc, and for the one I’m working on now, my outlining is so thorough and detailed that I didn’t actually start writing for a month or two since I started planning it. I actually did proper research and got betas and stuff this time, and although it was frustrating because I just wanted to start writing, it’s made my writing better.

7: your current MC’s favorite song?

Grace (//Zalla in the original) really like Africa by Toto, but she also loves Sweet Child O’ Mine, Don’t Stop Believing, and a lot of Bon Jovi. But she also really loves stuff like Taylor Swift and Katy Perry and stuff, her music taste is kind of all over the place, but her favorite song would probably definitely be Africa.

8: Do you write in 3rd or 1st person?

I vary, but I like both of them. First person is good when you’re focusing specifically on one character, and you want the audience to see the story through that characters eyes, but third person is really great when you want to focus on more than one character and give an overall perspective.

9: how old is your current MC?

Grace is 17.

10: would your current MC brutally torture and murder someone if it would save their best friend?

Sadly, no (that’d be fun to write). Grace just wouldn’t be able to handle it, I mean the poor girl was abused for a year and a half by her boyfriend. Her confidence was stripped away but Ash, and even when she started to get better she still can’t handle violence very well.

11: if you met your MC what would you say first?

I’d probably hug her and tell her it’s okay, Ash will soon be brutally murdered by an unknown attacker and you will get pretty magic powers :)))

OKAY!! Thank you Isaac for those questions!!

Now for the questions from @toboldlywrite

1: Do any of your OC’s enjoy nature documentaries?

Ooooh I feel like Nolan would probably enjoy those a fair bit, and possibly Smith too.

2: when you come up with something, what comes first; the world, a character, or the plot?

The plot, or at least a vague idea of it. Then I figure out which sort of characters I’d need (as in, their basic responsibility in the plot), and then give them names and start filling out the plot and the characters, and generally I’ll figure out the setting/worldbuilding after that.

3: Are your OC’s any good at any arts and crafts?

Delilah is a makeup artist and can paint, Farah sketches, Grace can sort of sing but not very well but she’s a really good hair stylist, Smith plays guitar, Ash is a writer, Nolan plays bass guitar, and Aalia isn’t really artsy but is amazing at sports.

4: Which OC is the best at math?

Grace and Aalia I’d say.

5: Which OC would rather die than take a math class again?

Probably Delilah or Ash.

6: If you did the text post meme for your favorite characters, do you have a particular one you’d apply to your MC?

Either “I just want to say from the bottom of my heart I didn’t sign up for this shit” or “everyone on the internet is like ‘I don’t give a fuck’ and like that’s so not me I give such a fuck like the fuck I give is colossal it’s like a galaxy sized fuck’

7: Is your MC a cat person, a dog person, a bird person or a reptile person?

Grace and her sister Delilah have a cat called ‘Ginger Bastard’, and Grace really likes cats.

8: Was your MC a dinosaur kid or a space kid?

I wanna say space because /aesthetic/ but tbh she was probably a dinosaur kid

9: What did your MC want to be when they grew up? Did they end up choosing that path?

Grace wanted to be a teacher, a zookeeper, a dancer or a hairdresser, and she has a part-time job helping out at a hair salon, doing stuff like cleaning and etc and occasionally helping out with dyeing hair + stuff and learning from the hairdressers.

10: You find a magic cupboard that transports you away into one of your wips. Which would you rather>

Well the original was set in some weird country I can’t remember the name of and everyone had magic powers and it was weird, but the rewrite is just set in like a fairly big rural town/micro city in Australia in the modern day so I mean it wouldn’t be much different from my life now except that some of the people have magic powers and there’s a few murderers on the loose (nothing out of the ordinary lmao).

Thanks for the questions!

Here are my questions:

1: Did you write a lot when you were a kid?

2: Who/what do you think is the biggest inspiration for your wip, or writing in general?

3: favorite children’s book?

4: favorite book now?

5: favorite fictional character?

6: Do you think your MC is a good person in the grand scheme of things? What are their flaws?

7: How many WIPs have you got at the moment?

8: How do you come up with titles? Is it relatively easy or really hard?

9: What are some of your favorite names? Have you used them in your work?

10: Do you enjoy killing off lots of characters or do you prefer to give them all happy endings?

11(for the version I got tagged in that had eleven questions): How diverse do you usually make your characters? Heaps of lgbt/poc/disabled/neurodivergent characters, just a few, or none at all?

Okay so I’m going to tag my 11 people here: Jimmy @toomanyskeletons Harvey @bailheart // @wordsatbailspeed Max @koalamuffins Gloria @glorious74 Charlotte @keyboardofrejection Justin @xcorruptedapostlex Vlad @vladthedino Kirk @baguettes-save-lives Holly @theduckie-quackquack (I know you’re not a writeblr but I know you write stuff so) And also @brynwrites // @brynprocrastinates and @catandwrite (I can’t think of any other writeblrs that aren’t either on here or the people i was tagged by I’m sorry I have a terrible memory).

[creacherkeeper]

I have an idea for a fic and I think you could do it better justice than I could, so here goes: Fitz realizes he's autistic after his child is diagnosed autistic. Partly inspired by your post thinking up an autistic fitz childhood fic and my own fitz as a dad feels after writing my little ficlet. Of course, if you don't want to write it, that's perfectly fine.

Processing Systems 

sorry this took a while to write! femslash feb happened so you know how that is. but here it is! in all its very educational glory! (with some fluff, it’s not all boring) 

3210 words 

read on AO3 

“Dr. and Dr. Fitz-Simmons, thank you for joining us,” the diagnostician,Dr. Booth, says, a professional smile on her face. Fitz and Jemma take a seatacross from her at her desk, while Caroline, as calm as the four-year-old canmanage, bounds into the diagnostician’s window seat and presses her faceagainst the glass, watching the cars go by outside, her hands twisting togetherin her lap.

“Thank you for seeing us on such short notice,” Jemma says.“Our schedules can be a bit … hectic, as you know, but you’ve been very accommodatingwith your time.”

“Of course.” Dr. Booth readjusts her glasses, peering at apile of papers on her desk. “Now, you said you were advised to come here byyour daughter’s school, correct? This wasn’t an unprompted decision.”

“She’s our first,” Fitz explains, glancing over to Caroline,who hasn’t moved, is just staring wide-eyed out the window. “And neither of ushave a lot of experience with kids. We didn’t think there was anything …different, about her.” He scratches at his face, then looks down at his lap,adding somewhat defensively, “We didn’t think there was anything to beconcerned about.”

“No one said anything about concern,” says Dr. Booth. “Youdon’t have to see this in a negative light. But if there is something to know,it’s good to know when your child is still young. There are steps you can taketo make sure your child is accommodated for, both at home and at school.”

“So there is something to know,” Jemma says, half aquestion.

“Before we get into the results, I just want the both of youto know the kind of strides that the field of psychology has taken in the lastdecade or so. We’re understanding different conditions more and more each year,diagnosis is becoming more accurate, treatment plans and accommodations aremore highly developed. There’s more to help families now than there ever hasbeen.”

“What are the results?” Fitz asks gruffly.

“Well,” Dr. Booth looks at her paper, a light smile on herface. “According to the tests we had Caroline do, as well as observation, and interviewswith the both of you, I’ve determined that Caroline does qualify for adiagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder.”

Jemma lets out a breath, looks towards Caroline, who doesn’tseem to be paying attention, and then towards Fitz, who’s eyebrows are drawntogether.

“There’s nothing wrong with my kid,” he bites out.

“I never said there was,” Dr. Booth assures him.

“You just said she has a disorder,” Fitz argues, facepinched in upset.

“Well, yes, that’s the official title. But not everyone seesit that way. Autism is classified as a disorder, but according to some schoolsof thought, it’s just one of the many kinds of neurodivergencies.”

“I guess—” Jemma starts, grabbing Fitz’s hand to rub herthumb along the side of his thumb, “we just don’t know much about it, is all. Imean, you hear things, but we aren’t really educated in the area. It’s inneither of our areas of expertise.”

“I can answer any questions you have, but let me explain alittle of the basics. Autism, or ASD, is classified as a developmentaldisability. It means that those with it—autistic people—hit developmentalcheckpoints at a different rate and sometimes in a different order than thegeneral population. It impacts aspects of communication such as spoken languageand body language, social skills, and will impact how autistic people processtheir environment and the world around them.”

“So it’s like …” Jemma risks a glance at Fitz, who’s notlooking at either of them. “It’s like having a different processing system inher brain.”

“Exactly,” Dr. Booth says. “Some autistic people compare itto being an Android phone in a world of iPhones. There’s nothing inherentlylesser about either system, they’re just different. They have different coding,run different apps, have different strengths and weaknesses. There are inherentchallenges in living in a world that wasn’t built for you, which is why it’s adisability, but every autistic person will have different ways of coping with andadapting to that. Some people can adapt in such a way that you wouldn’t be ableto tell the difference, and some people don’t.”

“So … you’re saying when she grows up, she might be—” Jemmawinces, thinking. “’Normal’, for lack of a better word.”

“No,” Dr. Booth says. “She’ll always be autistic, it’s notsomething you grow out of. Some people are just better at blending in. Forexample, most people wouldn’t guess I was autistic just from talking to me, butI am. And to be honest with you, I think it makes me even better at this jobthan most people are.”

“Because you can relate?” Jemma asks.

“That’s one reason. Autistic people are also highly attunedto the details of things, which is necessary when you’re a diagnostician. We’revery good at picking out patterns. There are certain advantages to having anautistic brain. Different strengths and weaknesses, like I said.”

Jemma squeezes Fitz’s hand, watching the side of his face.She can see he’s still obviously upset about something. “Doesn’t sound soscary,” Jemma says, trying to comfort them both.

“You know—” Fitz cuts himself off, glancing at the ceiling,then to Dr. Booth, then back up. “You know, where- where are you even gettingthis? She just- She seems like a normal kid. You- You say she’s different, butwhere are you getting that? How come you say my kid is so different? That she-she’s got different processing, or something.”

Dr. Booth watches him steadily, and finally he looks at her,then looks away. “You know, no one is saying this is a bad thing, Dr.Fitz-Simmons. There’s no need to be defensive about it. Having terms like thisto describe your child’s experiences can be a very helpful thing, in the longrun.”

“I think we would just be more comfortable if we understoodexactly where the diagnosis came from,” Jemma says, squeezing Fitz’s handagain.

“Of course,” Dr. Booth says, “I can explain how I came tothis conclusion. Well, I mentioned that autistic people process the worlddifferently. These differences in perception can affect our senses—manifestingin what we call sensory defensiveness and sensory seeking behaviors, of whichCaroline shows both.”

“Can you explain what that means?” Jemma asks, when Fitzdoesn’t say anything.

“We’ll start with sensory defensiveness. It means avoidanceof unpleasant sensory experiences, showing a level of sensitivity outside ofthe normal range. Caroline, for example, didn’t like when I turned the mainlight on in the testing room because it hurt her eyes, so we turned on a dimmerlamp instead. You both said that she startles easily and will cover her ears atloud noises, refuses to eat foods if she doesn’t like the texture, and is onlycomfortable in mild weather.”

“All that she gets from her dad, really,” Jemma says,smiling at him. “He’s always been sensitive to that kind of stuff.”

“Hey.”

“What? You have. You hate the cold, the heat, loud noises,certain foods—”

“Everyone has preferences,” Fitz defends. “Don’t seeanything wrong with that.”

“Let’s move on to the sensory seeking behaviors. Shedisplays what we call ‘stimming’—it’s short for self-stimulation. Autisticpeople do it to help themselves process their environment, both external andinternal. Stimming behaviors that Caroline displayed included hand flapping,hand twirling, bouncing, chewing on her lips and fingers—”

“Well, she gets that from me, too,” Fitz cuts her off. “I’vealways felt better when I’m in motion. She’s just twitchy, like me.”

“Okay,” Dr. Booth says, leveling him with a careful smile.“Her language skills are also a point of interest. She shows the capacity for avery advanced vocabulary, but rarely spoke when prompted. When she did, it wasjust to tell me about her favorite fish.”

“Oh yes,” Jemma says, beaming. “She does love fish. Allaquatic life, actually. She knows so much about it. It’s all she talks about,really.”

“And she showed an understanding of words far beyond her agelevel when she did, but for the most part she was silent. She obviouslyunderstood all my instructions, but didn’t respond to them.”

“I mean, she’s already above where I was,” Fitz says. “Ididn’t even speak ‘till I was six. But when I did, it was all about monkeys.She loves animals, just like me. She’s just focused.”

“We would call something like that a ‘special interest’,”Dr. Booth informs them. “It’s common for autistic people to want to focus on theirinterests when they’re by themselves, as well as a way of interacting withothers.”

“Was that all?” Jemma asks.

“Well, she also displayed what we refer to as ‘asymmetricalmotor skills’. Her fine motor skills, small movements, like her handwriting, werereally quite good. At or above the normal range. But gross motor skills, thingslike walking, controlling broad movement of her limbs when we played games,were much poorer.”

“Clumsiness runs in the family,” Fitz says. “I’m kind of aklutz. Good with my hands, though.”

“You know,” Dr. Booth starts cautiously, lacing her fingerson the table, turning to Fitz. “You seem to relate to an awful lot of thetraits your daughter displays, Dr. Fitz-Simmons.”

“W-Well—” Fitz scratches the back of his head, glancing atJemma. “I mean, she’s my kid. There’s going to be similarities.”

“Have you ever considered getting evaluated?”

Fitz just stares, Jemma glancing between them.

“What would that entail?” she asks.

“A similar process to what your daughter went through. A fewtests, an interview, some paperwork. It takes a few hours, when all is said anddone, over a day or two.”

“Sh-Should I?” Fitz asks, aimed at Jemma, mouth bobbing intoan open gape.

Jemma watches him carefully, then turns back to Dr. Booth.“What are the benefits?”

“Well, for adults especially, having an official word foryour experiences can be very relieving. It helps you to make sense of somethings that may have been in the dark in your life before. It can also help youfeel connected to other people like yourself—the autistic community is growingand thriving nowadays, and you can always reach out to other people who havesimilar experiences. And it opens avenues for accommodations in the workplaceas well, should you need them.”

She turns back to Fitz, giving a little shrug. “Is thatsomething you’re interested in?”

He looks away. “Maybe.”

“Well, I only evaluate children, but I can refer you to somevery good diagnosticians who evaluate adults as well. You don’t have to take meup on it if you don’t want to, but from my personal experience, I think it’ssomething worth looking in to.”

Fitz picks at the fabric of his pants. “Yeah, alright.I-I’ll think about it.”

“Our time is about up here, but before you go let me giveyou this—” She hands over a stapled stack of papers. “It’s Caroline’s officialdiagnosis results. You’ll find a full explanation of the results of each test,as well as her scores on the IQ portion of the test. That’s another thing tonote—her test scores vary highly over the different tests. Most people havemore concentrated scores, whereas Caroline scored within a range of 30thpercentile to the 99th. Also included in there is the next steps youcan follow: places to do more research, as well as the possible benefits ofthings like occupational therapy.”

“If we have any questions—” Jemma starts.

“Feel free to email me, and I’ll get back to you as soon asI can.”

Fitz takes the papers as he stands, bending and curling themwithin his grasp.

Jemma shakes Dr. Booth’s hand. “Thank you for your time, Dr.Booth, this has been very helpful.”

“I’m happy to do it. And can I just say, even though she wasa little scared when we started out, it’s obvious that Caroline is a very happykid. I think the two of you have done an excellent job of raising her so far,even without these resources.”

“Thank you,” Jemma says, “that means a lot.” She turns toCaroline, who’s still pressed against the window, looking like she hasn’t beenpaying attention at all. “Caroline, darling, we’re going now.”

Caroline jumps down from the seat, bounding up to Jemma inbouncing steps. She reaches up, and Jemma picks her up with a grunt and settlesher on her hip.

“Can fish be autistic?” Caroline asks, eyes wide, lookingaround the room.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you were listening.” She glances atDr. Booth, smiling. “No, I don’t think they can be. I think it’s special tohumans.”

“Humans are fish,” Caroline says. “Everything’s fish.”

“Well, I don’t think that fish that live in the ocean can beautistic. Just people-fish.”

“What about dolphins? They’re mammals.”

“No,” Jemma laughs. “But they might have their own version.”

Caroline gives a noncommittalhum, then starts playing with Jemma’s hair.

Dr. Booth smiles at them. “Sosmart, that one. I think she takes after her parents.”

“Thank you again,” Jemma says,and then the three of them make their way out of the room.

As they’re walking out to thecar, Jemma watches Fitz, who hasn’t said anything.

“You’ll think about it?” sheasks.

“Yeah,” he replies. “I’ll thinkabout it.”  

-

A month later, Jemma is sittingin their living room looking over some files, as Caroline lays on the floorlooking at a marine biology textbook. She doesn’t know how to read most of thewords (though she recognizes the shape of most of the species names), but shelikes looking at the pictures and diagrams.              

The front door opens and closes,and Jemma looks up nervously.

“Fitz?” she calls.

“Just me,” is the response.

Her body relaxes, and she goes backto looking at the file as he takes off his shoes and hangs up his coat, thoughshe’s not really reading it. After a minute he joins them in the living room,plopping heavily onto the couch. There’s a set of papers clutched in one of hishands.

He’s quiet, and Jemma tries towait for him to speak, but after only a few seconds she can’t help herself.

“Well?” she asks. “What’d theysay?”

He uncurls the papers, and handsthem over. Jemma takes them, reading quickly.

Diagnosis: Autism SpectrumDisorder

She reads it again, then scanslower down on the page. There’s a lot about test results, results of theinterview, a lot of numbers that Jemma hasn’t started to unpack yet. But, thereit is. Plain as day.

“So,” she says.

“Yeah.”

“How are you feeling about it?”

He scoots down on the couch,tilting his head to rest against the back. He blows out a breath, fingerstwisting together on his stomach. “Relieved, I think.”

“Well … that’s good, isn’t it?This is a good thing.”

“It- It explains a lot of things.Things I’ve been confused about. Things that I didn’t necessarily have wordsfor, before. I just … I wish I’d known sooner.”

“Do you think it would’vehelped?”

“Yeah,” he admits softly. “I-SHIELD knew. I called Coulson and asked, it’s been on my file since theAcademy.”

Jemma’s brows furrow. “They knewand never told you?”

He shakes his head, eyes on theceiling. “Wasn’t in the policy to tell, I guess. And Coulson just assumed Iknew already.”

“Well, in any case,” Jemma says, “youknow now, and that’s what’s important. And, can I just say, I’m really proud ofyou for doing this. I know it was scary, but you went through with it anyway,and I think that was really brave. And I think this is going to be a goodthing, getting to learn more about yourself.”

“Yeah.” Fitz finally turns tolook at her. “Yeah, I think this is going to be a good thing, too.”

“And,” Jemma adds, “it’s justanother way that you can relate to our daughter.”

“That’s true,” Fitz says,smiling, and then scoots off the couch to settle on the floor in front ofCaroline. “Did you hear, monkey? Daddy’s autistic, too. We have the same kindof brain.”

“Shovelhead sharks clonethemselves,” Caroline replies, still looking at her book. “So they’d have thesame kind of brain, too.”

“That’s true.” Fitz nods. “Theywould. I didn’t clone myself, though. You can tell because you’re much cuterthan me.”

“She does have the curls,” Jemma points out.

“That she does.” He grins. “Oneof the many wonderful things she gets from me.”

“She gets some things from me,” Jemma quips, as he moves to sit back on thecouch next to her, grabbing up her hand. “Like her love of biology.”

“Ah- Love of animals,” Fitz shootsback, a teasing grin on his face. “Still from me.”

“I like animals.”

“You like dissecting them, Jem,that’s different.”

“Fine. What about her love oftidiness? That definitely comes from me.”

“Well … I do keep my lab verytidy. But she also keeps her room clean, which I do not, so sure, I’ll give youthat one.”

Jemma beams. “Hah. I knew therewas something.”

Fitz smiles, but eventually itdrops. “Do you … Do you think this is gonna change anything?”

Jemma tilts her head, peering athim. “Like what?”

“Dunno,” Fitz mumbles.

“I don’t think it’ll changeanything unless you want them to change.”

“If I do … d’you think that’sbad?”

“No,” Jemma assures him. “How youthink of yourself is going through a change, I don’t think it’s bad if you wantother things to change along with it. If anything, it might change how open youare with certain things about yourself. And how you think those things deserveto be treated.”

“Caroline … She’ll have names forall these things. She’ll understand it. Understand herself, better than I did.”

“Yes, she will.”

“And- And I’m glad we know, now.So we can give her the best life she can have.”

Jemma raises their conjoinedhands to press a kiss to the back of his. “You’re already a great dad, Fitz. You’realready giving her an amazing life. But yes, this will make things easier, nowthat we know.”

Fitz ducks his head, smiling, andthen turns to Caroline. “Hey, monkey, do you want to watch Finding Nemo? Youcan tell us all the species names when they come on screen.”

Caroline immediately jumps up,her hands flapping at her sides. “Yes, yes, yes!”

Fitz gets up to put in the DVD,and on his way back scoops Caroline off the floor and plops her onto his lap ashe settles back onto the couch. She presses back against him, picking up hishand so she can play with his fingers as she watches. Jemma leans against hisside, resting one hand on his leg.

“Amphiprion ocellaris,”Caroline says as the movie starts.

Fitz presses a kiss againsther hair. “Good job, monkey. Good job.”

[fierceautie]

Sue Larkey is an educator located in Sydny, Australia. She was born in  1968. She says she is a highly qualified educator but with no information on her qualifications. She has taught autistic children in mainstream and special education schools. She has earned a masters degree in special education and is currently working on a doctorate in education. The only University that was listened is Flindlers University, so it is assumed this is where she studied for both graduate programs. She has won the Naturally Autistic 2013 international award for community contribution. She has written numerous books about autistic children. She is not autistic herself nor does she have autistic children. There is not enough information to give her a proper bio.  She preaches behavior support and seems to support neurodiversity. She is complicated so this blog will be quite long. She even goes as far as to interview Yenn Purkis. She has online courses and webinars, a blog, and a podcast. Podcast Sue Larkey has a podcast that has over 70 episodes. They range over various topics. We will examine three of these episodes.  Interview with Yenn Purkis Yenn is a treasure to the neurodversity movement. Yenn has written several book on the subject. They has been interviewed by Larkey for the podcast.   Yenn wrote the book "The Wonderful World of Work." Larkey seems to be very respectful as Yenn speaks about the neurodiversity movement and the workplace. Finds Yenn to be inspirational, as we know can be dangerous if used improperly.  Larkey stresses that Yenn has a diagnosis of "Aspergers syndrome" as we know is no longer in the DSM. Larkey supported Yenn with their name change as they came out as non-binary.  Larkey uses some PFL as the autistic community does not like. Yenn talks about deficit thinking and that really limits people. Strength thinking helps people thrive. Yenn says an early diagnosis is a good thing only if it is met with strength thinking. With this, the book they are taking about how autistic adult can thrive in the workplace.  Larkey does admit that secondary school has a deficit way of thinking and that discourages a lot of teens. She does say that positive identity while being autistic is important. Yenn responds with people should be reading blogs and other content by #actuallyautistic content creators.  With how Larkey talks to Yenn, she is creating inspiration port of a kind. She keeps on saying how Yenn inspires her. Disabled people are not there for your inspiration.  Then Larkey brought up Temple Grandin. For those of you who do not know, Temple Grandin's beliefs about autistic people are not effective or ethical in the eyes of the autistic community. Yenn was super polite and handled that well.  Larkey's Personal Experience of Not Being Able to Talk This episode of the podcast is short but she says that she understands what its like to be nonverbal because she could not talk for a whole month. Her vocal cord was paralyzed. This trivializes the experience of a person who is unable to speak at all. She calls her experience "amazing." Larkey concentrates on the experience of the family, not even the nonverbal person. She said she didn't like how her family had to change how they communicated with her. Her friend made her PCS cards. She said people would predict what she would say. She does get a little insight on what frustrations nonverbal people go through when they use PCS cards. She knew she was going to be able to speak again. This is not what nonverbal people go through. How they communicate is how they communicate. Some people prefer nonverbal communication because verbal speech can be overwhelming. Disabled people are constantly accommodating non-disabled people. I was nonverbal until I was 5. I could lipread. People would talk about me like I was not in the room.They could not figure out how I knew what was being said when I could not hear.  My form of communication was forbidding in my house. I used American Sign Language to communicate. I learned it at school. I do think she learned something but she did not learn what she needed to learn. She needs to listen to nonverbal people. She thinks she gets us but she has a lot to learn. Online Courses and Webinars Larkey says that her online courses help parents and teachers teach autistic children and make a difference by : increasing student engagements and participation develop positive behavior support programs accredited training by world experts transform from feeling overwhelmed to confident Larkey offers free webinars: 10 strategies to increase engagement and participation Schedules Send home timetables. Have a visual timetable up in the classroom. If there is going to be a change, let the student know in advance and indicate on the timetable/schedule.  "Processing Time Allow them time to process information (verbal and visual) before you repeat instructions, questions or take away visual information.  This is good information. There is nothing more frustrating than people not giving an autistic person enough time to process language.  "sEt up for Success Most students on the spectrum have a huge fear of failure and this can be seen as “perfectionism”, “constant rubbing out/crossing out work” or “doing NO work”. Remind them that it is OK to make mistakes. Role model making mistakes on the board, show students work that isn’t “perfect”, not the neatest, has crossed out work and incorrect answers will reinforce you are happy with mistakes.  "Communication Slow it Down, Limit instructions, Break it Down! Remember they are literal and often misunderstand your ‘inferred’ meaning.  Do be literal. This communication section does feed into stereotypes. Know the child you are working with. This feeds into the thinking that no autistic child understand idioms.   "Timeframes Schedules and timers tell the child how long and when they are going to have to do an activity. Timers allow us to pre-warn the child. They help answer many of the questions these children have: What is happening? What order? What time? What is next? How long? Repeat Activities Most people with an ASD love repetition, whether it is a DVD, movement, conversation or activity. Giving students repetitive routines and activities helps reduce stress as they know what to expect.  This is good information. This allows the child to prepare themselves for transitioning to a different activity.  "Repeating activities allows success, build independence and increases confidence.  This feeds into stereotyping. Know the child you are working with.  "Understanding Students on the spectrum are VISUAL learners. Sometimes they can repeat exactly what you said but do not understand. The more visuals you use, the higher the understanding.  Again, this feeds into stereotyping. I know people who are visual, kinetic and auditory learners. They are all autistic. Know the child. Every autistic child is different.  "Motivate/Reward Use their “favourite” activities to motivate them. It is best to use lots of short rewards rather than waiting a whole day. The most effective is a quick activity, then quick reward. For example: 30 minutes work, 5 minutes building rather than work all day = 20 minutes building" This is problematic. This is ABA. Make the activity fun if you think it is important for the child to do. Make it so they want to do it and they do not need to manipulated to do it.  What is ASD and Understanding the DSM-5 "1. Students with an ASD don’t have to look at you all the time.   Reason: They find looking and listening at the same time hard to do.  Not always true. Looking at the person who is speaking can be overwhelming and concentrating on the person's face can be louder than what the person is saying.  "2. Give them time to answer any of your questions.  Reason: They have slower processing time. Sometimes it can take them up to a minute to formulate the answer in the correct sequence.  Not every autistic person has slower processing time. It depends on the person. Know the person you are working with. This is a stereotype.  "3. If they feel pressured they will answer with stock standard answers.  Reason: They know it will get them out of trouble quickly. This may include: “I don’t know”, “yes”, “maybe” and often this isn’t their true answer!  This is another sterotype. It depends on the person. Sometimes the person may not be able to answer. Some give those standard answers but not everyone does.  "4. They often don’t “generalise” information between people and places.   Reason: Homework for teacher ‘x’ is in the yellow basket but for teacher ‘y’ it’s to be placed in the green basket.  This is another stereotype. Know the person you are working with.  "5. They find organisation of their school equipment very difficult.  Reason: They are best with one folder with everything inside. Limit the number of pencils, pens etc.  Some autistics can be really organized and some are not so organized. It depends on the person and if  they have other neurodivergencies. This is a generaization about all autistics and it simply is not true.  "6. Limit their choices and be very specific with choices.   Reason: They find choices overwhelming and are often concerned with making wrong choice due to their difficulty with problem solving.  This is an ABA method. This is to trick the child into believing they have a choice. Giving a child a choice between two things that they clearly do not want to do is manipulation. Give a full array of choices.  "7. Be as clear, concise and concrete as possible.  Reason: People with an ASD have difficulty with abstract thinking.  This is another stereotype. Many autistic people can think critically and abstractly. Know the person you are working with.  "8. Avoid verbal overload.  Reason: They are visual learners and verbal information takes them longer to process and retain.  Not all autistics are visual learners. This is a stereotype. Know how the person you are working with learns.  "9. Avoid verbal arguments by redirecting them to what they should be doing. Eg “Start your work”.  Reason: They often enjoy verbal arguments.  This one makes no sense. There are plenty of autistics who hate confrontations and hate arguments. If the task is tailored to the person, there should be no issue.  "10. People with an ASD need positive feedback to know they are on the right track.   Reason: Because of their fear of failure and they want to be Mr Perfect."  The fear of being wrong comes from being forced to mask by parents who are embarrassed and do not want autistic children to be themselves.  Strategies to teach children who learn and engage differently in early childhood Mat Time Strategies opportunities to move know where to go when the child needs space come to mat last pre warn about questions/activities/answers give a job-turn on the music, turn the pages of a books other child sit in chairs next to child in wheelchair These are all great strategies Cutting strategies gross motor/core what scissors what to cut use interests stort activies/last step multisensory- check the texture These are all great strategies Seperation anxiety prewarning routine  visual timer have routine 2 activities they lovce leave them engaged in something they love sensory tools These are all great strategies 5 ideas to try to ensure learning is fun choose the time of day when your child is most happy and relaxed to focus on activities stop the activity while the child is sitll having fun, before the child has had enough make activities quick and fun and move onto another quick and fun activity (greast so far) quick activities = quick reward This is a manipulation technique IE. ABA Add on one more part of each time Most of these are good in this webinar. Using the reward system is manipulation and the activity should be tailored to the specific child.  How Teacher assistants can help support students who learn and engage differently First Identify challenges for these 3 people: Non verbal classica autism, italian background, never been to school Teacher: straight out of college, 25 children in classroom  The teachers aid Think of a child you know, what makes them neurodiverse? Using the same student. describe abilities and challenges in the following ares: social communication emotional behavior motor skills sensory executive functioning IQ What is the number one strength and weakness? This webinar needs to go into the bin. This is all based on what the teachers aid experiences with the child. This has nothing to do with what the child experiences. The use of IQ is ableist because that is no the only type of intelligence. Focusing on behavior can lead to PTSD due to ABA techniques. They use the term neurodiverse to draw in the autistic community. This is a smoke screen.  11 key strategies for supporting children to learn at home ☐ Quiet and Calm Position to Learn in the Home Depends on the child. Some do better with some background noise.  ☐ Writing. Does your child need pencil grips?  There are pencil grips to help children with fine motor difficulties ☐ Organisation of Equipment by Only Using Essentials  organization can help but not everyone. It depends on the child ☐ Quiet Area for Downtime This is essential for sensory breaks  ☐ Teacher Assistant / Parent / Carer to Support  The child needs support from the right person ☐ Use of Schedules / Timers / Timetables  this is important so the child knows what to expect ☐ Always Carry Notepad and Pen  not necessary. Not everything needs to be written work ☐ Reading – Have you got good resources?  There are resources online ☐ Scheduled Break Times movement breaks are important in any setting ☐ Regular Toilet/Drink Breaks  bodily functions need to be taken into considerations ☐ Sensory Tools to Calm and Focus A majority of autistic children can focus better if they have a fidget.  Managing challenging behaviors to create calm classrooms What is the student trying to communicate through thier behavior? Behavior is communication Has the student understood the words you have used?  It is better to speak on the child's level. Lessens fustration.  Could the behaviour be sensory?  The behavior could be a stim If so, what sensory tools can we use?  Having sensory tools handy is important Could the behaviour be a sign of anxiety?  It is very possible. Looking for why the behavior happens is very important. The child is trying to communicate Does this behaviour happen in a range of places? Home, school etc.  Certian places could be overwhelming How can we replace the behaviour?  This is problematic. If you change what is triggering the behavior then it will not happen. Support the child, do not try to change the child.  What strategies have been tried?  It is important to use ETHICAL strategies, not ones to try to change the child  What strategies have worked in past?  Self reflection is important How will we reward change in behaviour?  Manipulation is not the way to treat a child. ABA is abusive.  Are any structures, visuals, adaptations, timers etc. required? Is this a battle we really need to have? Pick your battles. If the child is uncomfortable they will try to communicate it to you, a trusted adult, any way possible. It is your job to figure out what the trigger is. Accommodations are a must. Trying to make a child appear neurotypical is ableist and should never be done. Never force a child to mask.  Larkey's Accredited Online Courses: These courses are quite expensive so I cannot sit through them as they are 5 hours each and I cannot afford it. She does give an outline. There are elements from both the ABA side and acceptance side. She is quite confusing.  Sue Larkey Online Course ($165) This is a 5 hour online course.  Lesson 1:  What is autism spectrum- learning styles, schedules, timers, etc. She says its good for preschool, home, community What is PDA?  10 key strategies for setting the classroom up for success Lesson 2: How to put items from lesson 1 in place.  Understanding autistic girls and why the strategies need to be different 10 strategies for understanding "kids with ASD" for home and school Why "kids with ASD do what they do" Executive functioning Comorbidities Lesson 3:  using visuals, motivators, timers, routines toilet timing not training understanding processing why autistic children need visuals Lesson 4:  "embracing difference to make a difference"- helping the community and family understand autistic kids teaching play Lesson 5:  behavior- the difference between a sensory meltdown, a behavior meltdown and a tantrum what strategies to use, being proactive Dr. Tony Attwood Online Course ($184) Lesson 1 what is autism ? DSM 5 diagnostic criteria Girls "with aspergers syndrome"  Lesson 2 cognitive abilities learn to read a face, socializing, ect academic success very important for self esteem visualizations, learning by demonstration, processing time challenges for people learning to learning to read and math Lesson 3 cognitive abilities fear of making a mistake, "weak central coherence" qualities needed in a teacher  sensory sensitivity in the classroom and playground challenging behavior differentiates aspergers from autism (its all autism and he is hanging onto that label) Lesson 4 anxiety "people with ASD are good at worrying" "how to manage anxiety in a constructive way" (masking) They need to learn to how to read facial expressions in others and identify feelings "they need to express emotion themselves" "fix the feelings" Lesson 5 friendships-teach the child how to make friends talents qualities of autistic people that need to be recognized for employment  Sue Larkey Early Childhood Course ($165) 5 hour course Module 1 identifying the children who engage differently make a child engage  Module 2 examine different learning styles Helping families get a diagnosis and grief cycle (parents should not be grieving a child that hasn't died) Module 3 communication- parents and child's communication Module 4 where to start Module 5 learning how to play "appropriately" (play should not be pathologized)  Module 6 sensory strategies to help children with sensory differences Module 7 behavior- proactive behavior support positive behavior support  Emotional Regulation Masterclass ($97) create a calm classroom 15 lessons of strategies 74 pages of printables Does not allude into what strategies entail Teacher Assistant Online Course ($49) Starts off by calling teachers assistants angels (hero complex) TA has a complex role, furthers the hero complex Parent/carers Online Course- learning at home ($49) promoting teacher assistance course offers to answer questions no real info on the course Partnership with Attwood After giving very little information on herself, she does give a lot of information on her partner, Tony Attwood. Attwood presents all her courses on her website.  Habit of Silencing Autistic People Larkey has a Facebook page and group for parents. Screens shots about Larkey silencing #actuallyautistic people. Let the screen shots do the talking.  Sue Larkey is one of those complicated professionals. She states that autism should be accepted. This is exactly what autistic people want but at the same time she uses a reward based system to manipulate compliance. This is an ABA method. She is what we call a centrist or a fence sitter. She has learned a lot about autistic people and can learn but as she practices now, she is a problem until she realizes behaviorism is dangerous.  Sources: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sue-larkey-152a945/?originalSubdomain=au https://elearning.suelarkey.com.au/product/dr-tony-attwood-understanding-autism-spectrum-disorder-a-different-way-of-thinking-learning-and-managing-emotions/ https://elearning.suelarkey.com.au/product/term2suelarkey/ https://elearning.suelarkey.com.au/product/earlychildhoodcourse/ http://elearning.suelarkey.com.au/product/teacherassistantsonlinecourse/ https://elearning.suelarkey.com.au/product/teacherassistantsonlinecourse/ https://elearning.suelarkey.com.au/product/parents-online-course-learning-at-home/ http://1agcyu3xnv891dw71j19gks0-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/Sue-Larkey-Key-Strategies-for-Success-Webinar-Handout-19v3.pdf http://1agcyu3xnv891dw71j19gks0-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/Tony-Attwood-Free-Online-Course-Handout-19.pdf http://1agcyu3xnv891dw71j19gks0-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Sue-Larkey-TA-Workbook.pdf https://1agcyu3xnv891dw71j19gks0-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Sue-Larkeys-Checklist-for-Setting-Up-Learning-from-Home-for-Students-With-Autism.pdf http://1agcyu3xnv891dw71j19gks0-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Sue-Larkey-a-Guide-to-Understanding-Behaviour-E-Book-v2.pdf https://suelarkey.com.au/episode-74-yenn-purkis-discusses-the-wonderful-world-of-work/ https://suelarkey.com.au/slp-024-my-personal-experience-of-not-being-able-to-talk/

http://www.fierceautie.com/2020/08/autistic-history-sue-larkey.html

[thecrookedgavel]

The Black Box Readings - Ep 1 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 1 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down. 

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome to The Black Box Readings, the new podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So basically, it’s a show where I narrate through a deleted or deactivated blog over the course of a season, with a focus on queer artists. Though to be honest, there was a specific blog that inspired me to make this podcast, and unless this format is super popular, I may just do the one season. Anyway, although reading things in a dramatic fashion is definitely in my wheelhouse, non-fiction podcasts are not. So please bear with me while I go through some growing pains as I try and figure this thing out. 

Alright, so this season, we have the story of a digital artist who caught my attention with a really cool piece of Overwatch fanart. It’s about her journey through a life spent mostly online, disability, and navigating through the difficulties of realizing that you’re trans.

For those of you not in the know, I am a disabled trans woman myself, so it’s not a journey I’m altogether unfamiliar with. The biggest reason I’m doing this podcast is because stories like ours get drowned out in the media. I wanted to be able to tell her story so that queer people, young and old, can hear something that resonates with them. And I have a good feeling that this will do that for you.

The Tumblr in question, I won’t say the address. Just know that the title of the blog was: “Less Than Human”. Yeah, I know. Not a very cheery introduction. I sort of choose to think of it, kind of like reclaiming a slur. If she calls herself less than human, other people lose the power to hurt her with it. I’m telling you the blog title because it is important later.

Anyways, enough out of me, here’s the first post of the episode, which happens to be the first post of the blog itself. It’s titled:

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is -”

Ok, so I guess I didn’t think this through. In the post, she uses her deadname, and I don’t feel comfortable reading it out to you all. If I have to choose between deadnaming a trans girl and being a little inaccurate, I’m choosing inaccuracy. I should say, actually, that I don’t consider myself a journalist or anything like that. Also, I get it would be bad of me to use her real name too. So we’ll just call her… Hmmm…. Ok, let’s go with Emmy.

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is Emmy, and I’m 19 years old! Nice to meet you guys! I’ve decided to start posting on my tumblr instead of using it as a dash, lol! I’m a visual artist, though I mostly stick to digital art these days. I spend most of my time reading. My fandoms are Gravity Falls, Steven Universe, Supernatural, Sonic the Hedgehog, Marvel, and of course, Shrek! Lmao. I think Cat Girls are cute, but I’m not a weeb”

*Laugh* I never read this post while she was active. Her sense of humor is really present in this post, she was always silly like this. Anyways, she follows up this post by posting a backlog of art that I figure she must have made and not shown to anyone. It’s all really good stuff. Some fandom, some original. It’s clear to me that she’s not posting her earlier, rougher work. I don’t remember too many details though, as this was a while ago, and I didn’t think to save her artwork when I was copying all her text posts into the google doc. I hope someone out there saved them before they were deleted, though.

I’m not going to bore you by reading every single one of her posts, or anything like that. Just the ones that stand out to me. Here’s one about Supernatural and how she might be falling out of love with it. 

“I don’t know guys, I’m finding it hard to watch supernatural these days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still one of my favorite shows, it’s just totally not as good as the first 5 seasons. That and I WANT DEAN AND CASS TO BE TOGETHER! Is that so wrong? Look, Cass is an immortal being that just HAPPENED to take a male form. If he had a female form, you can bet that he and Dean would have banged already. I’ve read the tumblr posts too, the ones that talk about all the hints the writers give that Dean is gay. This is ABSOLUTELY queerbaiting, and even as a straight guy, I can see that. I have a lot of gay mutuals who have convinced me how ultimately cute Dean and Cass are, and I feel bad for them, because they’re not being treated fair. You think in its 12 seasons there would be something, but no, nothing. Pisses me off”

Here is where we start seeing a connection between Emmy and queer culture. Although she’s currently IDing as straight and male, you can tell she cares about queer representation. Now, I’m not saying that wanting good queer content makes you queer, of course not. Just that knowing that Emmy is queer, when you look back at her earlier posts, there’s some evidence there. She even talks about Castiel, a male character, having a female form, which I find interesting for obvious reasons.

Next up is a post about something outside of her fandoms, a show called Monk. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s a show focused on a detective with OCD who uses his disability to solve crimes no one else can. As someone with OCD myself, I really enjoyed the show, but it’s not without its problems. Hmm, yeah, I’ll get to those after reading the post, I think

“I’ve been watching a new show lately! Well, a show that’s new to me at least. It’s called Monk! I’m 3 seasons in, and I laugh every episode. But it’s not without its serious moments too. It’s about Adrian Monk, a detective with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and it’s like a super power to him. He can do things no one else can. But he also can’t do things that everyone else takes for granted. Mood. He always says “It’s a gift… And a curse” when talking about it. Big mood. Anyway, I highly recommend it, because it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill! I’m so used to people who are “crazy” being mass murderers or some shit. Idk, it’s heartwarming.”

I noticed one of the hashtags of her post was, “Finally found a version with captions.” This is important for later and I’ll get to it by the end of the episode. Where the previous post was the first we saw of her queerness, this is the first we’ll see about her connection with mental illness. It’s unclear if she feels her inabilities are balanced off by her abilities, or if her “mood” was just about her being unable to do what others can. Since her “big mood” is regarding Adrian Monk’s favourite quote “It’s a gift and a curse”, I like to think she was being positive and was including her abilities in the “mood.”

While I do agree with Emmy that it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill, and that’s certainly better than having yet another bad guy is who’s only evil because he’s crazy, I’m worried that it’s too positive. It’s actually a really common trope where neurodivergent people in media are seen as “super human,” like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, or uhh, the main character from The Good Doctor, I forget his name. It makes it look like everyone with autism or OCD are geniuses, and that sort of skews how neurotypicals view people like us in a negative way. Like, I do view my OCD as a gift, I wouldn’t be able to write the way I do, or play video games the same way if I didn’t have it. But I’m not a superhuman by any means. But I’m expected to, in some sense, outperform everyone because of my OCD, because of this impossible standard set by the media. *Sigh* I’m sorry, I’m getting really off topic. I hope you don’t mind this little rant.

Back to Emmy, I find it a little upsetting that she feels herself cursed in some way. Knowing what I know about her, I like to think she was more gifted than cursed, but given the title of her blog, I doubt she would agree with me. We can glean from this post that she is disabled in some way or another. Maybe she herself has OCD? Or maybe she just relates her own, different disability to OCD? It’s hard to tell at this point, and I don’t want to spoil it, especially since it will come up again in a few posts. 

Next up, we have a post about not just queer characters, but lesbian characters. I’m sure you have heard of Overwatch by now, even if you haven’t played it. Well, the creative devs promised us that a handful of the cast was queer, and at least to me, it seemed like an empty promise. Hmm, I guess it seems a little bit like the queerbaiting conversation we had earlier. Interesting. You know what I mean, right? Like, why take the risk of pissing off the straight, cis part of your fanbase with queer characters when you can just say some characters are queer and attract a bigger queer fanbase that way? But then they did something that blew me out of the water. They made a comic where Tracer has a girlfriend. This next post from Emmy is about this reveal.

“Merry Christmas! And what a Christmas it’s been. Because I got something I’ve been asking for for a LONG time. Blizzard made Tracer gay! I’m not the only one who’s been asking for this, a huge chunk of the fandom has been saying that Tracer is only into other girls. It’s been my headcanon for so long, and now it doesn’t have to be, because it’s canon! Tracer and Emily are so cute together! And their kiss is so hot too! Yeah, lesbians are really hot in general. They’re every guy’s ultimate fantasy. Thanks, Jeff!”

An: Ok, so before we continue, I think I need to apologize on Emmy’s behalf for the way she talks about lesbians. As a trans lesbian, I had a period where I talked about lesbains that way too. Before I came to terms with that identity, I mean. Since you believe you’re a straight guy, there’s no real explanation for why you’re so into lesbians other than them being a male fantasy. But it’s more than that. It’s part of like, seeing yourself as a girl that the idea of being with a girl that likes girls... that is so fundamentally appealing. 

Like, ok. *sigh* I remember this one time very clearly… I was with my girlfriend at the time and a friend of mine at a bubble tea shop. This was probably 9 or 10 years ago now? Jeez. Anyways, this couple of girls starts making out at the table next to us, and I had a full on sexual awakening. I remember that I couldn’t look away. Mostly because my ex wouldn’t let me forget it. I got teased by my friend and berated by my ex. Because I couldn’t explain what happened to her, let alone to myself, I eventually came up with a rather math-y explanation involving vectors of attraction *laugh*. Something like, if women are attractive to me, and men are not attractive to me, then adding their vectors together gives less attraction than two women’s vectors being added together. It was pretty stupid. I don’t talk to either of those two people anymore, by the way. 

Anyways, my point is that since this is before she’s realized she’s a lesbian herself, she’s under the false impression that she needs to sexualize lesbians in order to explain why she’s so attracted to the concept. So please don’t hold that against her. 

---

With that out of the way, we can move on to her next post. It’s a piece of art she made, and it’s pretty special to me. You see, this was the way I found her blog. One of the blogs I follow, who knows which at this point, must have reblogged it and it came across my dashboard. Again, I don’t have a copy of any of Emmy’s art, but I remember it pretty well. It’s a picture of Emily wearing Tracer’s outfit... Shit… Why did I give Emmy a name so close to Emily? Emily as in Tracer’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because of my association with her and this drawing? Either way, it’s too late now, I’m not re-recording this whole episode. *Sigh* We’ll just stick with the blogger being named Emmy. Anyways! She’s sort of looking a bit out of place, like she doesn’t know how to feel about having a Chrono-accelerator attached to her chest. There’s a speech bubble in the frame pointing off screen that says, “You look marvellous, love!”, or something to that effect, but it’s obviously supposed to be Tracer saying it. It was a really cute drawing, and I was really fond of it, so I liked and followed. Feels like so long ago. 

Anyways, she did reblog the picture afterwards, saying:

“Thank you so much for all the notes! I really appreciate the support. Who knew that something so dumb would be liked by so many people? I really like Emily, and I hope she’s added as a Hero in Overwatch soon! I feel so happy! I’m going to go and do some more drawing, so keep an eye out for more posts!”

Not much going on in this post, but I decided to read it anyway because it contrasts so heavily with the next post. Not the next time she posted, but the next post I’m going to read. Actually, it’s the last post of this episode. 

So, I’m going to warn you, this is a side of Emmy we haven’t seen yet. The really negative side. *Sigh* I don’t know what set her off, maybe nothing did, but I think this post is very important to read to you, as it clears the air about her disabilities.

“I really appreciate all the love you’ve given my art, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I’m so broken and worthless and I’ve only been pretending to be normal so that you’ll all like me. The truth is, I’m physically and mentally disabled, and life is just a never ending struggle. 

First off, I’m deaf. Very deaf. The quietest thing I can hear in either ear is a chainsaw. It means I can’t understand speech or anything I’d need to be social. I don’t know sign language at all, I was never taught. So I just… stay inside all day. I’ve been homeschooled by my Dad since I was young. He thinks something bad will happen to me if I go outside, because I couldn’t hear something like a car coming towards me. So I live my life online, for the most part. I feel so isolated, and like I can’t relate to anyone normal. 

Also, I have Bi-Polar Disorder. For those you don’t know of it, it basically means I have high highs and low lows. I’ve done a good job so far at hiding my lows from everyone and only showing my highs. Until now, I guess… I just feel so low today, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I just had to be real. Even if it’s an ugly side of me that I hate. My dad hates how moody I am too. He just doesn’t get that it’s not my fault. Even my highs are hard for him to handle sometimes. Anyway, please forgive me for lying so long”

So, I sense a bit of imposter syndrome here. She’s gotten some success and because she views herself as not even a normal person, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. It’s a pretty common feeling amongst content creators and something you have to move past if you want to make stuff. It’s like, *sigh* like me, I’m not an expert voice actor, why are people listening to me? I have tricked them into thinking I’m worth listening to. If you’re feeling that way about a recent success, just know that it’s all bullshit and it’s normal to feel that way. I wish I had that knowledge at the time I originally read that post… Because then, I would have messaged her and let her know. But yeah, we have more to unpack here.

She talks about being deaf, and the level that she describes is a profound hearing loss, which is as bad as it gets. I have that level of hearing loss in my left ear, and it’s really hard to deal with. So, I kind of can’t imagine what it would be like to have it in both ears. 

Like, for me, I remember this one time where I was at my locker in high school, and someone must have been asking me a question a few times on my bad side. She wanted to know if I had any extra bus tickets, and by the time I finally caught on that she was talking to me, she said something like “Urg, I just want to punch you.” And it wasn’t a joke either, she was very frustrated with the way my hearing loss had affected her. It made me feel small, and like I was an inconvenience to those around me. Guess it didn’t help how I felt that I had a crush on her at the time… Ha… *Sigh* It was very isolating to grow up like that. I didn’t really belong there, but I didn’t exactly belong in the deaf community either, since I could hear fine out of one ear. So when Emmy describes how isolating it is to be deaf and not know sign language, I get it. I really feel that. When I saw this post, it really made me feel for her. This is probably the point in time where I made a mental note to support her art whenever I could. 

Lastly she talks about her mental illness, being bi-polar. I know a lot less about bi-polar disorder than I do hearing loss. Though I was in a production that never wrapped up about a bi-polar teen. Actually, I was the strict dad who couldn’t understand his child’s illness, which is a similar theme seen in Emmy’s post. I’ve actually been cast as a dad 3 or 4 times now? Yeah. *Laughs* Anyways, what I understand about it is that it can be seasonal. You might be manic for a season, and depressive for another. But yeah, it doesn’t always work that way. Usually medication can help balance you out, but in Emmy’s case, she wasn’t taking any meds at this point. I’ll say it here for clarity’s sake, but her having bi-polar disorder was a self-diagnosis, not a professional one. That’ll be covered in the next episode, though. 

So now the whole “Less than Human” thing makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it? Not because it’s true in any sense, but because it was true to her. Disability is something that people tend to see as different, or othering. There’s a lot of stigma there. We can sort of tell at this point that the way her Dad views her and treats her doesn’t help her feel any better about this either. 

That’s why she likes the depiction of mental illness in Monk so much, right? Because it’s a bit of a “More than Human” approach. It gives her some hope that maybe she can be seen positively one day too. As far as movies with Deaf characters goes there’s like 100, if I recall correctly. Which is honestly pitiful compared to the amount of movies, period. So it’s more than likely that she never got to see herself in media in that perspective before. 

Also, there’s the markings of a budding trans girl in there too, which may further intensify the feeling of not being human. For years and years *sigh*, there was practically zero positive representation of trans people in media. We’re taught that feeling like this makes us freaks, and that presenting differently than we’re supposed to makes us... something worse than that. It all comes together to form something bitter and isolating. Especially before you start owning those parts of you and finding a community of your own.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I really ranted more than I thought I would. Hopefully you all liked the anecdotal stuff I added in, didn’t really plan on doing that. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

[spencers-renaissance]

Writing Masterlist

All of my writing is available on AO3, but I’ve put together a masterlist of all my work so far for everyone who gets their fic fill on tumblr and will keep it updated! Keep your eyes peeled for new fics on the regular <3

⭐️= indicates my personal faves

If you’re looking for smut, you need to head to my smut masterlist on my nsfw blog!

Current Fic Count: 30

Aaron x Spencer

⭐️turns out that I need you now (much more than you need me)

Spencer is suffering in silence and it’s only made worse when the team messes up and makes him feel even more hurt and insecure. When Hotch goes to check on him, though, things start to look up.

3.5k, angst, hurt/comfort, protective hotch, happy ending

⭐️Vivaldi on Full Volume

Spencer’s done enough pining, so he decides to write a letter for Aaron telling him exactly how he feels and gives it to him on the jet. He cannot be held responsible for what happens when they land.

5.2k, fluff, love confessions, shy spencer, insecurity

Living the Same Lie

Aaron breaks up with Spencer, but when an attempt to move on goes horribly wrong they get a second chance.

5k, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, fluff, breaking up and making up, implied/mentioned physical assault, implied/mentioned sexual assault

East Coast

Spencer and Aaron happen to sit opposite one another on a busy train, and when Spencer spots a breakthrough in the legal case Aaron is stuck on, they strike up an innocuous conversation that quickly stirs up feelings.

2.1k, fluff, meet-cute, train carriage au, lawyer!aaron, academic!spencer, shy spencer, firsts 

All Roads Lead Home

Spencer’s working the Christmas Eve shift when a young boy with a hurt arm comes into the ER. Nothing out of the ordinary, except his rather flirty dad and leaving later with an extra phone number in his contacts list…

2.1k, fluff, hospital au, getting together, first date, gentleman!aaron, soft spencer

To Look on Tempests and Not Be Shaken

In the wake of a blazing row and an empty apartment, Aaron finds Spencer’s well-thumbed copy of Shakespeare’s sonnets and recalls the morning after their wedding, when Spencer sat on his lap and read Sonnet 116 to him. Suddenly, everything makes sense.

2.6k, angst with a happy ending, fighting and making up, married hotchreid, relationship dynamics, introspection, fluff

Derek x Spencer

Even More Beautiful 

The BAU is stuck in Michigan with no case and no way home, so naturally, Spencer and Derek confess their love for one another. (Based on the prompt ‘You look even more beautiful covered in snow.’)

3.5k, fluff, love confessions, shy spencer, insecurity, hurt/comfort

⭐️Hear it in the Silence

A short, fluffy chronicle of Spencer realising in increments how in love with Derek he is, and navigating a real, beautifully sweet relationship that's not always smooth sailing, especially since he's been hurt before. (Based on Taylor Swift’s You are in Love.)

3.7k, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, dev relationship, tw past abuse, domesticity

⭐️Still Left With the River

Derek wakes up to find his boyfriend crying on the sofa. Cue the hurt, the comfort, and the fluff. 

1.6k, hurt/comfort, fluff, caretaker!derek, autistic spencer, crying, sad spencer

100

Spencer's an academic researcher who spends every morning at his local library. Derek just happens to drop by one Tuesday and ask the pretty boy in the classics section if he can help him find a book. Sparks fly.

2.1k, library au, fluff, meet-cute, pining, shy spencer, coming out

when I fall asleep (it is your eyes that I close)

Spencer’s not been sleeping, and as much as Derek adores his sleepy clinginess and physical affection, as soon as they get home he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. 

1.9k, fluff, hurt/comfort, sleep-deprivation, clingy!spencer, physical affection, anxiety, cuddling

⭐️Trees and Seas Have Flown Away, I Call it Loving You

Derek says something hurtful, but it happens to lead to just about the best thing that’s ever happened to Spencer.

3.2k, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, fighting/making up, angst with a happy ending, autistic spencer, coming out, getting together

⭐️A Christmas Like This

Spencer has a very specific plan for their first Christmas in their new house, and it has to be absolutely perfect. Derek’s going to do everything in his power to make his boyfriend as happy as possible, even if that means a house covered in garlands and a tree covered in animal skeletons…

2.9k, fluff, christmas fic, est relationship, neurodivergence, romance, domesticity, day in the life

Secret Santa

Penelope rigs the BAU’s Secret Santa game to finally get Derek and Spencer together with extraordinary success, and they have her to thank for their future first date. Oh, and a sprig of mistletoe nearly throws the whole thing out the window. 

2.8k, fluff, getting together, insecurity/anxiety, christmas fic, first kiss, misunderstandings, friendship

⭐️A Chronicle of Loss

5 people Spencer Reid lost and 1 person he gained. A look at the traumas Spencer faces over the series, and giving him the happy ending he deserves.

3.6k, grief, loss, abandonment issues, insecurity, depression, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, getting together, ‘didn’t know they were dating’, protective derek, autistic spencer

Mayhem

Imagine that scene in S4E1 when Derek is driving the ambulance loaded with a bomb about to explode, except it’s Spencer on the other end of the phone and they finally get their shit together. 

4.2k, canon divergence, spencer is the tech analyst, getting together, mutual pining, insecure spencer, angst with a happy ending, fluff, declarations of love

⭐️my heart talks about nothing but you

Derek finds Spencer staring longingly at dancing newlyweds while on a case and once he gets to the bottom of why he’s tasked with making a proposal to a man who knows it’s coming special somehow. (He pulls it off.)

2.5k, established relationship, hurt/comfort, minor angst, fluff, relationship discussions, proposal, protective derek

I told the stars about you

Derek and Spencer have their first date. They dance to Frank Sinatra and cuddle in an ice cream parlour, before kissing the hell out of each other at Spencer's front door. That's pretty much it. (Prequel to above fic.)

2.1k, first date, first kiss, pure tooth-rotting fluff, dancing, flirting, protective derek

⭐️I can’t hold enough of you in my hands

Derek and Spencer are finally getting married and the rest of the BAU are there to help them through every step of the day. Including a little surprise that Derek has up his sleeve for their first dance. (Third part to the above two fics.)

3.1k, tooth-rotting fluff, marriage/wedding day, team as family, team dynamics, domesticity, paternal hotch, maternal alex, just a whole lotta love man

⭐️ dry me off and hold me close

Derek has finally relented and is bringing his boyfriend Spencer to meet the rest of the team. That means, though, he has to finally tell them about his boyfriend's disability. Terrified that they'll react badly, he puts it off until he can't anymore. Turns out he was worried for nothing

5.7k, so much fluff, protective derek, disabled spencer, caretaker derek, spencer is not in the bau, team as family, hurt/comfort, light angst, est. rel, chronic illness, slice of life: disabled edition

Honeysuckle

The BAU decide to head out for a picnic one summer afternoon, but they’re soon rudely interrupted by a bee sting and anaphylactic shock. Seeing Spencer carted off in an ambulance is not exactly how they expected the day to go.

2.3k, whump, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, hurt spencer, friendship, medical conditions, severe allergic reactions

⭐️The Noiseless Crash of Crumbling Walls

After Derek and Spencer are paired up on a science project in their senior year of high school, they become the closest, most unlikely friends possible. But what happens when Derek finally finds out what Spencer's dealing with at home? Inspired by the prompt “where did you get those bruises?”

4.5k, high school au, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, hurt spencer, protective derek, abuse, friendship, pre-slash, spencer just turned 16, derek is almost 18

Luke x Spencer

Start With This

Luke accidentally hurts Spencer because they are both hopelessly stupid, but when Spencer’s faced with a dangerous situation there’s nothing he wants more than Luke. Calling him turns out to be a very good decision.

3.9k, hurt/comfort, angst w a happy ending, fluff, getting together, misunderstandings

⭐️Foolishly, Completely Falling

Spencer declines to spend the night with Luke, but there’s a reason for that, and things start to click into place when Spencer shows back up at his doorstep at 2am, hours after being dropped home.

2.5k, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, past toxic relationship, nightmares, est/dev relationship

You Said You’d Never Smile Again

“At one point, we had a conversation about how hard Spencer was finding life after prison and he told me that he didn’t think he’d ever smile again. And so, I made it my mission to prove Dr Spencer Reid wrong for the first time in his life.”

1.4k, weddings, tooth-rotting fluff, implied/referenced depression, post-prison spencer, insecure luke, found family 

Emily x JJ

Don’t Be Scared, I Love You

JJ is shot and Emily's world stops spinning.

1.7k, whump, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, fluff, protective emily

⭐️my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand

Emily leaves. Her heart is breaking. JJ follows. Hers is waking up.

1.3k, angst with a happy ending, fluff, mutual pining, crying, first kiss

Emily x Reader

⭐️Night In/Night Out

Emily Prentiss is your girlfriend and she finally asks you to meet her family (the BAU): cue the fluff.

3.2k, fluff, flirting, cuddling, domesticity, protective emily, slight shy!reader

baby, you’re my new years’ eve

You and Emily are hosting a New Years' Eve party for all of your friends, but she's acting a little weird. You finally find out why when the clock strikes midnight.

3.6k, fluff, nye fic, proposal, getting engaged, domesticity, romance, flirting, day in the life 

Gen

Pull Me Out of the Glowing Stream

Spencer develops bacterial meningitis and Hotch sort of forgets how to breathe. 

3.8k, paternal!hotch, hurt/comfort, sickness, whump, fluff, happy ending

I found my way home

After Spencer tells Hotch about his recent autism diagnosis, he expects that to be the end of it. Somehow, though, it keeps coming up, and Hotch keeps proving himself to be the best father figure he could have asked for. 

4.1k, autistic spencer, protective hotch, hurt/comfort, fluff, paternal hotch, team as family

⭐️The Colour of Waiting is Purple

Spencer's just trying to get home as quickly as possible when a bad decision to take a shortcut down a back alley leaves him broken and bleeding into the night. // Hotch thinks it's a new case when his phone rings at 3 in the morning. It isn't.

3.7k, whump, hurt/comfort, physical assault, major character injury, hospitals, dad hotch, hurt spencer, angst with a happy ending, eventual fluff