#and that lying blatantly to his coworkers about the very real situation he's in is 100% in character

[wolf359comic]

Page 38

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[albatris]

ok ok alriiiight ok so the plot of ATDAO

this post is not, like........... well, it’s not gonna be a blurb or a summary or a nice neat synopsis, this is not Professional Writeblr Business, this is, this is, uhhhh

this is like drunk house party logan rambles

works best if you imagine ur just like “hey man how’s it going” super casual and I grasp you firmly by the shoulders and look you dead in the eye and just ramble all of this without taking a single breath

could I have explained in a nice neat concise "elevator pitch" sort of way? probably. mind ur business. that’s not how we do things here at albatris.org

anyway the purpose of this post is “hey people seem to know a lot about the characters and the worldbuilding and the premise but have no clue what happens in the actual story” so I’m not going to be talking about said characters and worldbuilding and premise in depth

in terms of rambles, that stuff’s been covered! this post assumes you know what Ports are, n what the nature of the ATDAO apocalypse is, vaguely what the MCs are like as people......... though I can fetch this info for you if you like

but yeah if you are coming into this post with zero prior ATDAO knowledge........... deeply deeply from the bottom of my heart: sorry

also if this is your first time experiencing One Of These Rambles

also @safe-in-the-steep-cliffs​ and @siarven​ I am tagging you because you said you would like to be tagged and also hi and also I hope y’all knew what you were in for

anyway without further ado

(visual representation of my approach to this rant, not of how complicated my plot actually is)

(my plot is not that complicated)

ALRIGHT

there are two viewpoint characters! and two plotlines which converge near the end of the story, but honestly there’s a very real possibility I will decide these are two separate books meant as companion stories to each other because I love making things difficult for myself yeehaw

ATDAO’s co-protags are Tris and Noa, best buds four years and counting. their friendship is one of the single most important aspects of the story, n the ongoing love and trust they have for each other despite the way unfolding events force their relationship to change is integral to the themes and making the heart of the story what it is. I will now proceed to not mention this friendship for the entire remainder of this post. they’re bros. that’s all u need to know. listen. listen. I have a lot to cover

so yeah, ur first key player is Tris Greer, whose parents are dicks but whose siblings are chill. most notably of said siblings there is Jacob, older brother by thirteen years, whom Tris believes is just about the coolest person on the entire planet. this plotline kicks off when Jacob gets caught in the midst of a freak car accident that kills a dude and wrecks a street corner and also somehow causes Jacob to just kind of................. blip out of existence entirely and without a trace?

n Tris is understandably horrified and distressed by Very Much All Of This, but hey, at least there are responsible adults who can look into this obviously Port-related weird disappearance and figure this mess out, right?

INCORRECT

the relevant interdimensional authorities are brought in to suss out the situation and these authorities are kind of like “hmmmm idk about this” but are all set to take Tris at least somewhat seriously until they learn the following:

that Jacob had already been reported missing to police in his home state three days earlier

that Jacob was in the midst of several ongoing personal crises and at least one nervous breakdown

that Jacob was allegedly tangled up in some real weird shit that would more than account for a disappearance under suspicious circumstances

that Tris is schizophrenic, prone to hallucinations, confusion, memory issues and quote unquote “letting his imagination and anxiety get the better of him”, and precisely zero people can actually corroborate his story that Jacob was even there are the time of the accident to begin with

and after some back-and-forth and Looking Into The Evidence pretty much everyone in any position of authority comes to the conclusion that this is just Ordinary Regular People Crimes and whatever happened to Jacob had nothing to do with weird apocalyptic energies, and that Tris is (at best) stressed out and delusional or (at worst) lying through his teeth because he knows more than he’s letting on

so Tris is forced to hop pretty quick from “I’m sure someone will handle this” to “no one believes me but I’m sure if I can find some concrete proof they’ll listen and someone will handle it” to Well Fuck I Guess That Someone Is Me

cue bizarre reality-hopping fantasy quest, which is ten times easier said than done when most of the time Tris is terrified enough just, like, going to the supermarket

he enlists the help of his new classmate Shara, amateur paranormal investigator and professional weird-bullshit enthusiast, who agrees to help him puzzle out what the fuck happened to Jacob in exchange for his assistance in mapping out Adelaide’s interdimensional “fault lines” as part of her ongoing quest to track down the source of the apocalypse

she’s got big fuckin dreams, ok, go hard or go home

slso worth noting at this point that there HAS been an uptick in Ports and their related reality-bending strangeness in Adelaide recently which is why this is of particular interest to her currently. gotta find out What Makes The Weirdness Tick, gotta find out Why The Sudden Extra Weirdness

..........and also Kai is there

Kai has no nice neat reason to get involved with the plot, Kai just likes drama and being all up in people’s personal business. Tris brings them on board for one single afternoon like “hey I will pay you some money to come to my house and fix my fucked up phone so I can listen to an interdimensional voicemail” but forgot the apparently key addendum “and then leave”

their first three chapters of knowing each other is basically Tris being like “stop inviting yourself into my house we are not friends” and Kai being like “that’s a rude thing to say to your friend. also your sister gave me the netflix password and I used your kitchen to bake pastries feel free to help yourself”

but yeah so Tris’s story mostly focuses on his quest to figure out where Jacob got yeeted to and how to get him safely home (y’all probably know a bit about The Unreality already maybe?), whilst also dealing with rising family tensions, whatever shifty stuff Jacob was involved with prior to his disappearance, and his own creeping doubts about his perceptions of reality

n I’m also saying flat out it’s not a plot that’s going the “oh the whole thing was just a delusion all along” route because ew

his psychosis is a fairly involved part of his character but the explorations around it are more to do with, like......... the difficulties he has in trusting himself and whether he has the luxury of letting himself get swept into some Big Weird Implausible Adventure when this has extremely different implications for him than it would someone else. n eventually to how his success and survival is not ~in spite of~ but specifically because of the different way he understands and interprets the world and the skills he’s developed

THAT TANGENT WAS A PERSONAL RANT IT WAS NOT RELEVANT I just have words to say on the subject of how psychosis is treated in fiction and didn’t want people jumping to the “none of it is real” conclusion anyway ok moving on

ur SECOND key player is Noa Yun, who has rather a lot on her plate right now. she’s broke as fuck and her mum is sick and her car is making Noises and she’s not getting enough hours at her job at Not-IKEA and everyone is on her back about her failing studies as if that’s a thing she has the energy to care about. feeling rather backed into a corner by life’s bullshit and her financial situation, she blatantly lies her way into a field job at the Department of Interdimensional Instabilities, because A) surely it can’t be THAT bad, and B) what does she have to lose?

so more or less what she’s doing is the equivalent of emergency services for Port-related weirdness, it’s going out and dealing with highly unstable otherworldly energies head on, navigating Weird Phenomena and bendy patches in reality......... it is, among other things, a job that’s relatively easy to get into because no one wants to touch it with a ten foot pole unless they absolutely have to

n the DII is a whole other post, this shit has lots of different functions and levels and branches and corruption and secrets and a tendency to view workers who have to go out and deal with the brunt of the apocalypse head-on as vaguely expendable and I’ve talked about it a bit before and in more Serious Words

things kinda kick off for her when in true Noa fashion she hurls herself into a dangerous situation to help out a coworker, n enters a pretty standard issue “overlap” where the barriers between universes are a little fucky, but hey, she seems to come out of it with nary a scratch, so it’s reasonable to assume everything is fine, right?

INCORRECT AGAIN

she basically gets some whacked-out otherworldly energies latched onto her that are now following her through her everyday life, and it turns out she’s starting to bend the reality around her the way certain types of Ports do, which is! obviously not ideal! she’s not exactly a Port herself, because she’s pretty sure that’s impossible, but it’s clear capital s Something happened to her in that overlap, and she doubts it’s good news. and to make matters even more disconcerting, she’s now being dogged at every step by strange visions of a child who speaks in an unfamiliar language and who seems Real Fuckin Pissed at her

so her thing is basically “I acquired fucked up reality-bending powers against my will and they might be lowkey killing me ‘cause Ports are notoriously unstable like that and also I’m haunted for some godforsaken reason” which all somehow ended up being, like, the least interesting part of her plotline for me lmao

oh and Noa also enlists the help of Shara, Because Ghosts

anyway yeah so her search to find out what’s happening to her re: Weird Children, being a Port-adjacent something-or-other, and whether there’s a way to stop her own unravelling leads her to (rogue computer programmer? mad scientist? general shifty bastard?) Laurence Marrick Thiele, who claims to have suffered a similar affliction in the past and now does some real interesting research on the subject. n this guy. well. he’s got some fuckin stuff going on

he definitely knows more about the nature of Ports than he should. also is he actually researching what he says he’s researching? also what’s with all the weird tech? also did he just straight up murder that guy Avery? all will be revealed later, maybe, if I feel like it

but yeah at about the same time as Noa goes “actually fuck this you’re shady as hell I’m out” she stumbles into, like, The Actual Reality of what Marrick is up to re: manipulating Ports and interdimensional doorways for his own gain, and the various ways this spells bad news not only for her but potentially for the entire city and anyone unfortunate enough to get caught in the crossfire, and she shifts gear to “actually you know what I’m gonna kick your ass”

there are various reasons for this, but first and foremosterly you have to understand that Noa’s got a fuckload of pent-up rage and she will bring it in full force the moment you say some stupid shit like “some people are expendable” or “it’s inevitable for the greater good”

(there’s also a fun ongoing subplot with her work at the DII where she and her team are investigating a string of strange illnesses with bizarre symptoms that appear to be spreading via obscure radio stations so that’s. happening. I guess?)

but yeah the main story here mostly follows Noa’s attempts to undermine Marrick, bastard supreme, and find a way to fuck him up before he goes, like, Full Cartoon Supervillain, n also like........... her attempts to keep up her work at the DII despite her rising paranoia that the teammates she’s growing to care about will notice her increasingly unstable state and the fact that she’s all tangled up with the very forces they’re meant to be thwarting. n along the way discovering the reality of what happened to her in The Aforementioned Overlap Incident and about her visions and such

so that’s all that. did that make sense

n she’s got a whole arc going on about trust and learning to lean on others, like, she comes into this story as a very standoffish person with lots of paranoia, she’s spent much of her life feeling like she can only rely on herself, n she’s. well. yeah, like I said, she’s got a lot of anger at the world and at the various systems that have failed her and her loved ones, n the story puts her in a position to become even more isolated

and her plotline isn’t so much “you have no reason to be angry or afraid” or her learning to Not Be, It’s more, like........... yeah you have every fucking right to be furious and of course you’re afraid! but there are people around you who love you and who will jump at the chance to defend you and who will help you carry the weight of your anger and grief and none of this needs to be yours to bear alone which is extremely cheesy

which applies to both her Weird Supernatural Goings-On as well as her regular ordinary life goings-on

I feel like Alice and Jet deserve a mention for Noa’s plotline but also this went on and on too long already so. well. Alice and Jet exist! yep. they work with Noa at the DII. I have things to say about them. I will not be saying them today

and uhhhhhh

in general, for Tris, his plotline, you wanna think, like, fantasy/adventure vibes which veer pretty sharply into horror, and for Noa you wanna think...... kinda, sci-fi mystery conspiracy vibes with a dash of some superhero bullshit maybe except not really

and that

pretty much is it I think

also the fact that Kai just invites themself into the plot for funsies and then is dragged kicking and screaming into caring about themself and making positive changes in their life means there was no convenient place in this post to be like

"oh there's also a whole major subplot about a time loop"

but there's also a whole major subplot about a time loop

goodnight! thanks for coming to....................... whatever this was! have a nice saturday everyone

[jaybeartodd]

Colleagues Pt. 10/17 -- Jason Todd x fem. reader

Warnings: cursing, mention of blood

Word Count: 2891

Tags: @sarcasmismyfirstlove @tsctd

A/N: My bad guys. It has been awhile but in my defense I had a crazy weekend. Good, but crazy. Also OMG I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! Your comments mean the absolute world to me <3<3 Here is the next (long overdue) part and I hope you guys like it. Hugs and kisses as they say :):)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17

You don your finest attire for your lunch date with Jay. So a pair of jeans and a clean shirt. After putting on a little make-up and brushing our your hair you do a little modeling in the mirror.

“Yeah, that is about as good as it is gonna get,” you say grabbing your jacket and heading out the door. 

You hear voices coming from the kitchen so you make your way over. Your peripheral vision catches the ballroom and you speed past it swallowing back the memories. You have managed to avoid it this whole time; afraid you will see the ghosts of the dead bodies of your coworkers lying on the floor in a carelessly painted massacre. You wonder if Bruce or anyone has been in there since the incident. 

You enter the kitchen to find Tim slumped over a cup of coffee while Alfred and Trey are sitting on stools hunched over a cookbook. Nick’s medication had kicked in so he is resting leaving Alfred and Trey together. They both seem to be enjoying themselves though.

“Hey Trey, I am going out for a little bit. Will you be ok?" he looks up and nods vigorously with a smile on his face.

“You look pretty, Auntie Y/N,” he says. You see Tim smirk into his coffee as he takes another sip.

“Thanks T,” you smile and walk towards him.

“What are we cooking?” you ask and he covers the book with his hands.

“It’s a surprise!”” he yells and you back up with your hands in your air surrendering.

“My bad, my bad,” you say teasingly.

“Trey is a very helpful cook, Ms. Y/L/N. It is nice to see someone is in this house,” Alfred says with bite. Tim looks at him over his coffee but Alfred continues looking at the book. 

“Are you ready for a kick-ass meal?”” you hear Jay say. Turning your head you see him whipping the air with his hands as he enters the kitchen. 

“I don’t know. You were taking so long I am starting to like the sound of Alfred and T’s meal,” you tease and he smirks.

“It’s all that hair gel,” Tim says stepping off the bar stool with his coffee. You laugh while Jay just narrows his eyes at his younger sibling.

“When can I see the knives Jason?” Trey asks looking up from his cookbook.

“Tt,” you hear in the doorway. Damian is standing there looking as angry as ever. Jay notices and a grin spreads across his face.

“Well considering it is the best one in Gotham,” this produces another ‘tt’.

You decide to play along.

“It is very impressive. I doubt anyone could top it,” this produces an exaggerated scoff. 

“Problem, Master Damian”” Alfred asks nonchalantly. 

“Todd’s knife collection is the equivalent of a child’s toy chest. If you wanted to see real knives you would see my armory.” Damian says arrogantly.

Why do these kids have such an obsession with knives? Must be a rich people thing. Or just a strange people thing.

“Really?” Trey’s eyes light up and he looks at Damian in wonder. Damian stares at him for a second before rolling his eyes.

“Fine. I will show them to you just for the sake of saving you from the inevitable disappointment that is Todd's collection.” Damian walks out of the room and Trey skips behind him forgoing the cooking for now.

“Just please be careful!” you yell and then have another thought, “And for all that is holy do NOT tell your mother!”

“An actual car, wow Jay you really pulled out all the stops,” you say with your hands on your hips staring at a convertible. Jay laughs and shakes his head.

“Yeah, definitely not. That is Bruce’s. This,” he dramatically removes a tarp revealing his motorcycle, “is my baby.”

You sigh in exasperation and he walks up to you. He places his hands on your hips with a sly grin.

“I promise it’ll be fun. I will go slow,” you raise an eyebrow,” Alright, slow-er..”

“Just,” you grab the helmet and place it on your head, “Don’t kill me before I am rich and famous.”

The ride is slightly less terrifying than the last time. Slightly. You do enjoy the feeling of safety when your arms are wrapped tight around his torso. 

The restaurant is a pub which confuses you as to why he needed a reservation at first but then you understand when you walk into the crowds at the front entrance. You grip Jason’s hand hard as he leads you squeezing past people towards the front. Jason gives his name and you are escorted to a booth on the second floor.

“This is really nice,” you say taking in the Gotham relics on the walls between the various TVs. 

“Yeah sorry it isn’t too fancy. I am just a lot more comfortable here then at Tiffany’s,” he says and you grin. 

“Tiffany’s is a jewelry store,” he looks confused, “But I know what you mean. This is perfect, really.”

You grab his hands with a reassuring smile.

“So I have a really important question for you...”

“Hit me.”

“What is it like to grow up with Bruce Wayne?”

“Oh, boy...”

Holding on to any of those earlier apprehensions is absolutely futile at this point. He looks at you with starry eyes and a lopsided smile causing an extra beat to your heart and a laugh that was rusty. The afternoon is about swapping backgrounds and ridiculous stories about your families. And slowly falling for this idiot who sucks at first impressions.

I can’t really believe anyone refusing you and Dick’s charm,” you say laughing. You two are holding hands walking down the street towards his motorcycle.  

 “Well, to be fair, you did,” he says smiling at the memory, “Multiple times.”

You nod your head grabbing the helmet from his bike.

“Yeah, but I guess you can consider me charmed,” you smile and kiss him quickly. He shakes his head disapprovingly and grabs your waist pulling you to him for a longer lasting kiss.

“Are you sure you have to go to the library tonight? I can think of better things to do...”” he growls and you swat at his chest.

“Yeah and I bet it’s all PG. Sorry Jay but school first,” you shove the helmet on,” And guys with motorcycles second.”

Once you return to the manor to grab your things, Jason insists that he drives you to the library but luckily you convince him that you are a grown enough woman to call yourself a taxi to get back to the manor.

With your book bag slung over your shoulders you wave goodbye to him as he zips off much faster than when you were on the back. Taking a deep breath you head up to the most private area on the top floor. 

You pull out your laptop and documents that you had from work. Alright, let’s get to forging.

You manage to pull fake billing statements to some companies that would hurt Wayne Enterprises but with just simple digging by the police, it could be falsified. Hopefully by then you will have Black Mask where you want him. Sorry Bruce, but you will have to do with a little bad press.

Your phone rings and you look at the time to find it nearing night. 

“Hello?”

“Hello Ms. Y/L/N. I heard you will be our lovely provider this evening,” an electronically altered voice comes from the phone. You swallow back the anxiety curling in you.

“Yes, that would be me,” you secretly want to applaud yourself for your voice not shaking.

“One hour, the address is...” he speaks quickly and you jot down the information on a nearby piece of paper.

He abruptly hangs up and you scoff. 

“Well goodbye to you Mr.” you whisper. Taking a deep breath you close your eyes and contemplate the situation.

This could easily be a trap. But not going would be putting Trey’s life in danger...

Your thoughts rock stormily in your head as you sit jostling in a taxi. The scenery grows more dismal as you fall closer and closer. The image of Trey covered in dough after trying to help Alfred bake helps calm you down. And Nick chasing him in his wheelchair trying to clean him up. And Jason laughing at the ridiculous situation. 

“Ms. this is your stop,” the taxi driver’s voice breaks your thoughts.

“Yes, of course,” you say nervously and hand him your money.

You glance at the warehouse that fits exactly what you expected; drab, decaying and a place where criminal activity blatantly takes place in.

“Well, screw it,” you say under your breath and start towards the entrance. The night started falling awhile ago leaving a pink hue as your source of light.

You are about five steps from the entrance when you feel yourself being yanked into the alleyway next to it.

Your scream is muffled by a gloved hand over your mouth. Your assailant pushes you up against a wall.

“What the hell are you doing here?” a mechanical voice says and you finally open your eyes.

“Red Hood?” you say muffled by his hand still over your mouth. You shake him off of you and he steps back.

You give him a hard glare and he crosses his arms over his chest.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he repeats.

“Out for a stroll?” you say shrugging and flashing a nervous smile.

He remains in the same position clearly unamused. You shift your book bag farther behind you and he cocks his head obviously catching the move.

“Look, I don’t know how this is, hey!” you yell as he grabs your bag from you.

“I thought you were a good guy now,” you grumble. He ignores you and opens your bag.

He comes to your folder of fake Wayne Enterprises info you are delivering and starts flipping through it. 

“Okay, well-”

“You are handing over fake documents, smart.” he says and you catch a hint of pride in his masked voice. You can’t help but feel a little pride yourself.

“But you have to be the dumbest person alive.” And just like that he makes it magically disappear. You roughly grab the folder and bag from his hands. 

“You know, wait how do you know they’re fake? And what are you doing here?” you become very curious yourself. He doesn’t answer so you are just awkwardly staring at his ridiculous red helmet.

“Whatever, I have something to do to save my family, so if you will excuse me,” you turn on your heel but he grabs your forearm firmly.

“Do you honestly think Black Mask is just going to let you walk in there without hurting you? And even if he does not hurt you today, what is going to happen when he figures out those are fake?” his voice sounds thick with genuine concern but you shake that idea out of your head.

“I honestly know that if I don’t go in there, my family will be in danger.” You jerk your arm out of his grasp. Tears begin brimming your eyes but you keep them at bay.

“Fine, but we do this my way,” he says sighing. After only two encounters with the man both in disastrous situations you can only imagine what he is churning in that thick red head of his.

“Deal.”

Alright, one foot in front of the other. Simple walking. You know this.

This mental pep talk is what is currently propelling your feet forward into the building designated as the meeting point. 

You remind yourself not to look up to where Red Hood promised he would be.

“Don‘t look up at me. You will give us away.” he had said sternly,” And if anything remotely dangerous is even hinted at I am pulling your ass out of there.”

His words, although delivered rudely, give you some comfort in knowing you aren’t walking into this alone. You keep this in mind while standing in the middle of the room hugging the folder close to your chest. 

“Miss Y/N.” a deep voice from behind causes you to start. You turn around to find a man that exemplifies a bad guy. He is massive with a black tank top and cargo shorts to finish off the intimidation. He looks at you with a snarl as if you are a nuisance. 

“Yes,” you gather up that courage you have heard so much about to will a steady voice.

“I am here to retrieve something for my boss,” he says casually as if I am handing him faxes. He walks up to you standing a few feet away; far enough for breathing room and just close enough to be reaching distance.

You gulp and hold out the folder. He grabs it roughly and starts flipping through it. You hold your breath waiting for the a-ha moment when he realizes they are fake.

“Very nice, he will be pleased,” he says nodding. You let out a silent breath in relief. And Red Hood thought you didn’t know what you were doing. He lets out a sigh and you think it will end at that.

“Too bad your brother couldn’t keep his mouth shut,” he says still looking at the folder. Wait, what? You take a cautious step backwards but he grabs your wrist and pulls you hard to him.

“Did you honestly think your brother could get away with not only attempting to leave the business but telling his lovely sister,” he gives a sly grin and you grimace at the close proximity, “all of our secrets.”

You struggle against him but he barely budges and leans in to whisper in your ear, “Don’t worry sweetheart, I was only told to leave a few scratches as a warning. Can’t hurt our prized Wayne employee.”

Your heart begins racing as the panic settles in. Anytime, Red Hood, anytime.

In response to the mental cry, a loud explosion sounds from the back of the room. There must have been other goons waiting in the background. The man holding you turns to the approaching figure.

“Hood, you traitor,” he growls.

“Rex, you handsome son-of-a-bitch.” Red Hood holding his arms out as if he is greeting an old friend. The old surly friend seems less amused.

You develop the brilliant idea of using his distraction to slamming your foot on his toes. It only results in your own foot throbbing and him looking at you confused. He throws you down hard onto the ground.

“Any last words, Rexie?” Red Hood asks pointing his pistols at him confidently. Rex returns with a mischievous grin making you uneasy.

“You are too gullible Hood,” as soon as he says it an explosion knocks over wall closest to Red Hood. You cover your head as pieces of rubble fly across the room. 

Through the haze of smoke you make out a glaring red helmet amidst the rubble. No.

“Now listen,” Rex walks over and grabs you by the neck, “You listen to us and keep your mouth shut and that won’t happen to you.” 

Your feet struggle in the air as all of the air is ripped from your throat. Finally, he lets you go and you break down into a fit of coughs as oxygen finds its way again.

“We will call.” And with that Rex leaves.

You rub your sore throat and scramble to Red Hood. You begin removing the rubble from his chest and press your ear against it. Nothing has ever sounded as beautiful as the heartbeat coming from him. 

You look up at his face in relief but freeze. His helmet is damaged along the left side of his face exposing a shadow of a beard and a piercing blue eye you had seen hours before. 

You stroke your shaky hand along his cheek and hesitantly start to remove the helmet when a voice from it startles you.

“Hood, come in. Are you there?” a broken electronic voice urgently asks. You shake your head and lean in.

“H-he’s here. He’s um unconscious,” you say completely stupefied.

You hear cursing amongst the static, ‘I told him not to touch it. I will be right there Miss.” The voice crackles out.

You take his hand and lean over his face. His head starts twitching as he comes to with a groan.

“Shit, Y/N? Shit,” he grabs at his damaged helmet as he realizes his voice modulator is broken, “I mean Ms. stranger I mean...”

You put your hands on both sides of his helmet and he shuts up. You gently remove the helmet and Jason’s eyes track the emotion on your face. His hair falls messily and a cut is exposed on his face.

“Jay...” you say gently and he looks at you nervously. You hold up his helmet and with every bit of class you can muster you yell, “What the fuck?!”

[kpopwishes]

Friends// Jeon Jungkook

➤ Pairing -  Jeon Jungkook x Reader

➤ Summary -  Getting annoyed by your coworker from work, who happened to have an office crush on you and also found you eating alone at one of your favorite restaurants, you ask your brother’s best friend, Jeon Jungkook, to save you.

➤ Word Count -1,263 

➤ Genre - Fluff/Slight Angst

➤ Warning(s)/Heads-up - None

➤   Author’s Note - I’m sorry I made you guys wait for a +1 week(s) for an update of mine! I’ve been busy with school and my main blog, but here it is! I hope you enjoy it~ I’m also sorry for the fluff part. I’m terrible at being a fluffy person. This is also a one-shot for a baby boy for turning a year older!

➤  Admin - Admin Yoongz

“Yeah, Namjoon, that’s really interesting. Please go on,” you sarcastically insisted, but your coworker, Byun Byung-Ho, did not seem to pick up the sarcasm part. Sighing, you propped your chin in your right hand, looking around the restaurant bored as Byung-Ho kept talking.

When we he going to get the idea that you just wanted to go home?

Apparently, never. He kept going on and on about boring paperwork that you did not even partake in, being that you and Namjoon had two different jobs for the same company.

“I’m sorry, I’ve got to use to ladies’ restroom real quick. I’ll be back out in a few minutes,” you smiled at him lightly, watching him nod and smile back, then dashed off to the restroom, wanting to get away from Byung-Ho as you could.

He was a sweetheart, he really was, but he could be one of the most boring person you could have ever met. You two only saw each other in the office, but that was only if he needed assistance from you or another one of your co-workers, mainly you. He only seemed to talk about business with you, and that was so boring to the extent of falling asleep while having a conversation with him.

You scrambled around in your purse, finding your phone and quickly unlocked it. You scrolled through your contacts, needing someone to desperately save you from this disaster.

Humming to yourself, you saw your best friend’s, Ahn Hee-Yeon. Clicking on the message bar, you started to type, but then suddenly remembered she was going on a date with her girlfriend tonight, being that she’s been busy with her comeback, and wanted to spend the next week with her, and had told you to only contact her when it was an emergency.

Sighing, you backed out of the screen, scrolling to find your older brother’s contact, smiling you pressed it but groaned when he sent you a text to not bother him as he was practicing for his own upcoming come back and back out of the screen once more.

Groaning to yourself, you wondered who else to text to save you, scrolling the last few, you had come upon Jeon Jungkook’s contact name Kookie🍪”  and he had told you nothing of not to bother him.

Smiling to yourself, you quickly texted Jungkook’s number.

[You-8:30 p.m.] Jungkook, can you please come pick me up at the restaurant a week ago we went to a week ago?

[Kookie-8:31 p.m.] Why? I’m playing Overwatch.

[You-8:32 p.pm.] Because this guy from my work won’t stop talking to me about work and I can’t call Hee-Yoon or Yoongi. Please come get me

[Kookie-8:33 p.m.] Fine.

Smile triumphantly, your stuffed your phone back into your purse and walking out of the restroom, going back to the place you were seated at, seeing Byung-Ho smile at you when you sat down.

“I’m sorry I took so long and made you wait.”

Namjoon shook his head,” It’s alright. I don’t mind.”

Nodding, you listened to him till you saw Jungkook hurrying towards you.

Being that you had been through the same situation as him not long ago, you promised each other you’d help each other getting out of any sticky situation with anyone.

“Y/N! You need to come to the dorm. Yoongi fainted,” Jungkook fake heaved, pretending that he ran all the way here, his scared looked almost real.

Widening your eyes, you nodded and look back at your co-worker and quickly grabbed your things, “I’m so sorry. I need to go make sure my older brother is okay.”, and ran out with Jungkook, only stopping when you ran to the next corner.

You smiled, pulling the small hairs back that escaped from your ponytail, at Jungkook, “Thanks. You really saved me back there from falling asleep.”

Jungkook reciprocated the smile, nodding, “He looked boring.”

Shaking your head as you watched Jungkook call over a cab, following him into the backseat, “He is. He can be really sweet and nice, but it’s like work is the only thing he talked about, and office work is so boring.”

Jungkook’s smile faltered, the smile instantly being replaced with a frown for a quick second before putting on a fake smile. He felt a twinge of jealousy in his chest when you talked about your unnamed co-worker.

He didn’t like when you talked about other guys with him. It angered him and made him jealous.

He had no reason to be jealous though. You weren’t his, you two were just friends and that’s all you would be, to him at least.

Jungkook has liked you for the past year and only Jimin, Namjoon, and Seokjin. He trusted them not to blab to Yoongi that he had a massive crush on his younger sister.

Lord save him if Yoongi did find out.

Jungkook knew how angry and over-protective could get over you.

While on a day out with them, a man had come up to you and being the nice person you were, you conversed kindly with the stranger. Jungkook and Yoongi, as well as the other members, could tell he was blatantly was flirting with you, and you were the only person who couldn’t notice it.

When Yoongi noticed, he had grabbed the man by his collar and shoved him away from you, telling him to never talk to you again or he’d hurt the man for even breathing or glancing at his baby sister.

Jungkook felt a cold ripple go through his back, remembering how scary and frightening Yoongi could be and how the man had run away because of Yoongi.

You noticed how quiet Jungkook had gotten and nudged him lightly. He was looking out of the cab window, looking longingly in the distance.

Jungkook came back to reality after a few more nudges. You smiled at him, “Seriously, thank. He’s a good guy, but he’s not my type.”

“What do you mean ‘not your type’?”, Jungkook questioned curiously but hoped you wouldn’t answer with another man’s name.

“He’s not the person I find an interest in. Hmm.. the guy I like is tall, kind, gets jealous easily, and very cute.”, you smiled, looking at Jungkook. You giggled when his face turned sour and he huffed in annoyance. The daft man had no idea you were hinting it was him.

You watched him pout for a minute before you got out of the cab, arguing with Jungkook that you would pay the tab, but then he had already paid when you were getting out your money and went up to the dorm.

“You’re really cute when you pout, you know that right?”, you smiled, looking up at him.

“W-What?”, Jungkook stuttered, not wanting to look at you while his cheeks started to turn a bright red color.

“I said you’re cute, Jungkook. In the cab, I was hinting I like you. You are my type, but you were too busy being jealous and pouting to realize it.”

He looked down at you as you reached your hand to ruffle his hair, but he caught it, holding your wrist in his hand,”You’re not joking, are you?”, he asked quietly.

“No, Jeon Jungkook I am not lying.”, you rolled your eyes at him.

He smiled brightly before leaning down and capturing your lips in his, softly moving them against yours.

“Y/N- Yah! Jungkook! Get off my little sister!”, Yoongi shouted, heading towards the two of you as Jungkok looked down at you, scared.

“Run!”, you yelled, grabbing Jungkook’s hand as you ran out of the dorm.

[thefabulousfulcrum]

The Myth of the Male Bumbler

via The Week

Lili Loofbourow

Male bumblers are an epidemic.

These men are, should you not recognize the type, wide-eyed and perennially confused. What's the difference, the male bumbler wonders, between a friendly conversation with a coworker and rubbing one's penis in front of one? Between grooming a 14-year-old at her custody hearing and asking her out?

The world baffles the bumbler. He's astonished to discover that he had power over anyone at all, let alone that he was perceived as using it. What power? he says. Who, me?

The bumbler is the first to confess that he's bad at his job. Take Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who testified Tuesday of the Trump campaign's foreign policy team, which he ran and which is now understood to have been in contact with Russian agents: "We were not a very effective group." Or consider Dave Becky, the manager of disgraced comedian Louis C.K. (who confessed last week to sexual misconduct). Becky avers that "never once, in all of these years, did anyone mention any of the other incidents that were reported recently." One might argue that no one should have needed to mention them; surely, as Louis C.K.'s manager, it was Becky's job to keep tabs on open secrets about his client? Becky's defense? He's a bumbler! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The bumbler doesn't know things, even things about which he was directly informed. Jon Stewart was "stunned" by the Louis C.K. revelations, even though we watched someone ask him about them last year. Vice President Mike Pence maintains he had no idea former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn was lobbying for a foreign power — despite the fact that Flynn himself informed the transition team back in January, and even though Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md.) had written Pence — who was head of the transition team — to that effect as far back as Nov. 18, 2016. Wait, what? said Pence in March. Surely not! Really?

There's a reason for this plague of know-nothings: The bumbler's perpetual amazement exonerates him. Incompetence is less damaging than malice. And men — particularly powerful men — use that loophole like corporations use off-shore accounts. The bumbler takes one of our culture's most muscular myths — that men are clueless — and weaponizes it into an alibi.

Allow me to make a controversial proposition: Men are every bit as sneaky and calculating and venomous as women are widely suspected to be. And the bumbler — the very figure that shelters them from this ugly truth — is the best and hardest proof.

Breaking that alibi means dissecting that myth. The line on men has been that they're the only gender qualified to hold important jobs and too incompetent to be responsible for their conduct. Men are great but transparent, the story goes: What you see is what you get. They lack guile.

The "privilege" argument holds that this is partly true because men have never needed to deceive. This interesting Twitter thread by Holden Shearer has been making the rounds: "One of the oldest canards in low-denominator comedy is that women are inscrutable and men can't understand them. There's a reason for this and it ain't funny," he writes. The thread is right about the structural problems with lowbrow "women are so confusing!" comedy. "Women VERY frequently say one thing and mean another, display expressions or reactions that don't jibe with their feelings, and so on. But it's actually really easy to decode once you understand why it happens. It is survival behavior," Shearer writes.

But nested in that account is the assumption that the broad majority of men are not dissemblers. The majority are — you guessed it — bumblers! If you've noticed a tendency to treat girls — like the 14-year-old whom now-Senate candidate Roy Moore allegedly picked up at her custody hearing — as knowing adults and men in their 30s — like Trump foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos and Donald Trump, Jr. — as erring youngsters, large sons and "coffee boys," this is why. Our culture makes that script available. It's why Sessions is so often referred to as an "elf" instead of a gifted manipulator (here's a very clever analysis of his strategy, which weaponizes our tendency to read white men — even very old attorneys with a long history of maliciously undermining civil rights — as slow, meandering children who know not what they do.)

It's counterintuitive, I know. For decades now, the very idea of a duplicitous, calculating man has been so exceptional as to be almost monstrous; this is the domain of cult leaders, of con artists, of evil men like the husband in Gaslight. And while folks provisionally accept that there aremen who "groom" children and "gaslight" women, the reluctance to attach that behavior to any real, flesh-and-blood man we know is extreme. Many people don't actually believe that normal men are capable of it.

Back when Dylan Farrow's allegations about Woody Allen were in the news, people quickly glommed onto Allen's exculpatory claim that Mia Farrow "brainwashed" her children into lying about him. It was fascinating, both because the claim was pretty evidence-free and because Woody Allen had blatantly and repeatedly admitted to manipulating and grooming Soon-Yi Previn. But, because Allen so skillfully deployed the script of the bumbler, everyone failed to see his behavior in those terms. Allen's portrayal of himself — he barely knows what he had for breakfast! — was just that effective. Never mind that he's so organized, ambitious, driven, confident, and purposeful that he successfully puts out a movie a year.

As the accusations of sexual misconduct roiling politics, publishing, and Hollywood continue to stack up, a few things are going to happen. The first stage of a phenomenon like this will always be to characterize the accused men as exceptions, as bad apples. #NotAllMen, the saying goes. But the second is that everyone is going to try to naturalize sexual harassment. If there are this many men doing these things, then surely this is just how men are! that argument will go. There's a corollary lurking underneath there: They can't help themselves. They're bumblers.

That won't wash. But the only way to guard against it is to shed our weird cultural blindness to manipulative male behavior. We must be smarter than our cultural defaults. We need to shed the exculpatory scripts that have mysteriously enabled all these incompetent bumblers to become rich, successful, and admired even as they maintain that they're moral infants.

We do that by looking at the deliberate, active steps they took to conceal what they did.

Take Benjamin Genocchio, who was recently replaced as executive director of the Armory Show, the New York City art fair, after 19 people testified to his inappropriate conduct. "I never intentionally acted in an inappropriate manner nor spoke to or touched a colleague in a sexually inappropriate way," Genocchio said. "To the extent my behavior was perceived as disrespectful, I deeply and sincerely apologize and will ensure it does not happen again."

In short: He's a bumbler!

Before you nod along, agreeing that it's just impossible to know what's appropriate in this day and age, let's look at how the allegations against Genocchio square with his professed confusion. At Artnet's 2014 holiday party at the Gramercy Park Hotel, as Colleen Calvo, the marketing coordinator, was checking guests in at the door, Genocchio allegedly ran his hand up her sequin pants. Per Calvo: "Ben said, 'Is this the only time I get to touch your ass without getting yelled at?'"

Does that sound like someone who doesn't understand the difference between what's appropriate and what's not? Does it instead sound like someone who understands perfectly what the boundaries are and is knowingly violating them? Nor was this isolated: The New York Timesconfirmed that Genocchio was spoken to repeatedly about his behavior. It was a known problem. He ignored the warnings.

Facts be damned: Genocchio knew he was playing to a wider audience that wouldn't look at those details; he hoped he could activate the bumbler stereotype and use it as an alibi.

This is not what bumblers do. This is what predators do. The actions are malicious, and the mind games are deliberate. So what about their handling of their reputations after the fact? Was this, too, bumbled?

No. In the majority of cases, the accused men were cunning and vindictive stewards of their reputations and did everything they could to ruin their victims.

Harvey Weinstein reportedly destroyed the careers of actresses he harassed; he got them branded as "difficult" or "crazy." He apparently hired ex-Mossad agents to spy on them.

Director Brett Ratner — to choose one unsavory example — addressed Olivia Munn's account in her book about how he masturbated in front of her (she'd left the director anonymous) by identifying himself and claiming he'd slept with her. (He later admitted she never had sex with him). It was a calculated effort to inflict maximum damage on her; to brand her a "slut."

Former Fox News host Bill O'Reilly allegedly pressured one of his victims(who worked at the network ) to give him "dirt" on another victim so he could shut down her allegations against him.

Former Fox News chief Roger Ailes reportedly videotaped his victims in compromising situations so he could ruin them later if they misbehaved.

What about the seduction phase? There's been a spate of articles about men desperately worried that they've somehow bumbled into harassment. Were these men "accidental" predators? Did they stumble — baffled and confused — into a situation where they haplessly and unknowingly harassed women?

Well, director James Toback apparently used "theater school" language to convince his targets that their vulnerability was artistically necessary. As Rachel McAdams recalls, he "used the same language during my audition — that you have to take risks and sometimes you're going to be uncomfortable and sometimes it's going to feel dangerous. And that's a good thing — when there is danger in the air and you feel like you are out of your comfort zone."

Roy Moore allegedly weaponized the nastiness intrinsic to divorce to convince a mother to leave her child in his care at her custody hearing. "He said, 'Oh, you don't want her to go in there and hear all that. I'll stay out here with her,'" said Nancy Wells, the mother of one of his accusers. "I thought, how nice for him to want to take care of my little girl." Moore allegedly picked up the 14-year-old around the corner from her house — presumably so no one would see him — and took her to the woods. The next time he allegedly undressed her, removed his own clothes, and made her touch him.

Oh, and Louis C.K., the ultimate bumbler? The bumbler extraordinaire? He lied. He lied to Marc Maron, a close friend, saying that the rumors about him were false. He appears to have done the same to Pamela Adlon, who defended him against the accusations. Nor does it end there: To hear Louis C.K. tell it, he had no idea his manager was getting the women he'd targeted to keep quiet. To hear his manager tell it, he had no idea Louis C.K. had been up to much of anything at all. Louis C.K. might be any number of things — sick, addicted, depressed, twisted, predatory, egotistical, self-destructive — but one thing he is not is a bumbler.

How many deliberate, premeditated lies, how many carefully set traps, how many instances of deceit do we need before we can admit that men are every bit as duplicitous and two-faced as women are suspected of being? That harassment is not an accident? That predation requires planning? That this gigantic apparatus through which women's careers are destroyed and men's are preserved isn't just happenstance?

Alas, the greatest supporters of the bumbler myth tend to be other men. You might recall that Dustin Hoffman was accused of groping and sexually harassing a 17-year-old on set — of saying things like "I'll have a hard-boiled egg … and a soft-boiled clitoris." He pleads bumbler: "I have the utmost respect for women and feel terrible that anything I might have done could have put her in an uncomfortable situation," he said. And indeed, it is hard to imagine how a teenager at her first job might receive those words. But did her employer defend her when she finally confessed, decades later, that she'd dealt with a hostile work environment? No, director Volker Schlöndorff has instead come to Hoffman's defense: He is "just a kidder," Schlöndorff says. Everyone gave Hoffman a foot massage!

Predatory men normalize their predation and support each other. "You're a target. I'm a target," O'Reilly said in a July 2016 appearance on Late Night with Seth Meyers in which he discussed his employer, Ailes. "Anytime somebody could come out and sue us, attack us, go to the press, or anything like that. … I stand behind Roger 100 percent." Then-presidential candidate Donald Trump, before he himself was accused of sexual assault, also defended Ailes. "I can tell you that some of the women that are complaining, I know how much he's helped them," the future president said, adding that Ailes is "just a very, very good person. And, by the way, a very, very talented person." Weinstein supported Roman Polanski, calling the charges that he drugged and anally raped a 13-year-old girl a "so-called crime" and calling the charges themselves "a shocking way to treat such a man." And Oliver Stone, himself accused of groping a model, lamentedWeinstein's fate: "It's not easy what he's going through," Stone said. "I'm a believer that you wait until this thing gets to trial. I believe a man shouldn't be condemned by a vigilante system."

This is how the culture attempts to normalize this stuff: by minimizing the damage to women and the agency of men. When actress Katharine Towne described an incident in which Brett Ratner started hitting on her at a dinner party, refused to take no for an answer, and trapped her in a bathroom, here's how his attorney Marty Singer responded: "Even if hypothetically this incident occurred exactly as claimed, how is flirting at a party, complimenting a woman on her appearance, and calling her to ask her for a date wrongful conduct?" Singer said.

Look, this is a moment when our cultural myths about men and women are colliding. It's scary and confusing and way too widespread for comfort. But rather than knee-jerking toward normalizing, it's worth taking a minute to parse just how complicated it is to make sense of the different realities in which men and women have been living. I've written repeatedlyabout the culture-wide phenomenon of "not-knowing," of how our biggest shared cultural muscles are built to repress knowledge about how routinely women's professional lives are derailed through sexual harassment and misconduct. Emma Thompson called the Weinstein revelations "the tip of the iceberg," and she's right: Economists have long and lazily attributed the exodus of women in various industries to their decision to bear children, but now this giant explanatory iceberg is floating up — this absolutely gigantic, widely denied story about how women are routinely driven from their industries because their male colleagues need to be free to use their professional power to indulge their sexual urges.

Most of us know that when a politician sits on the stand and insists that he "does not recall," that it's a political performance, a manipulative pretense intended to obfuscate. Let's apply that intelligent skepticism toward this rash of professions of male incompetence. To put it in pragmatic terms: You can be a bumbler, or you can keep your job. You can't have both.

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[canvaswolfdoll]

CanvasReads: Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix

PS | CoS | PoA | GoF | OoP | HBP | DH

The start of my Unread Trilogy within Harry Potter, and thus some new material. I had seen the film adaption, but I don’t actually recall much of it. Or much of any of the films at this point.

Did rewatch Sorcerer's Stone recently, as I have the Rifftrax for it. That was fun. But this isn’t about that, is it?

Let’s get into Order of the Phoenix.

We start, as is tradition, with Harry miserable at the Dursley’s. Harry’s been cut off from the wizarding world, and is forced to eavesdrop on the Dursley’s evening news watching, figuring that, were Voldemort to do anything particularly evil, it would leak into the Muggle news.

This may not stand up, considering how obsessive the wizards are about remaining separated from muggles, but who can be certain? I mean, there was a (modified) warning in regards to Sirius in book 3, after all.

After we get a case of actual physical abuse, Harry temporarily flees the house to hang out elsewhere, eventually taking an opportunity to goad Dudley into a fight, though Dudley doesn’t quite rise to it, and eventually separates from his friends to head home with Harry.

Then they get attacked by a pair of loose Dementors.

Harry defends himself and Dudley from the attack, though not in time to prevent an assault on Dudley. We then learn Ms. Figg, last mentioned as being Harry’s boring babysitter, is actually a Squib working for Dumbledore, and that the headmaster has been keeping an eye on the situation on Number 4 Privet Drive, and not actually doing anything.

Harry and Dudley get home, Vernon and Petunia see Dudley in a right state, and Vernon has finally had enough of this magical nonsense and sets to toss Harry out.

But Dumbledore sends a note to Petunia to say ‘Hey, we had an arrangement.’

So, once again, Petunia is forced to be an actual character for once.

Actually, this book was good in giving Petunia depth, as she actually had some awareness of what Dementors are, hinting to how much Petunia actually knows of this other world she gets to have no part of. Especially since Dementors aren’t likely to be something casually discussed between a Witch and her NoMaj[1] sister. Also, Dumbledore's Howler further proves there’s more happening with the Dursleys than we’ve previously been told.

Also, it’s nice to see that, despite all of Vernon’s bluster and Petunia’s inaction, when the woman makes her intentions clear to her husband, Vernon will listen to her and go along with it.

It’s… an oddly nice piece of marital understanding?

Anyways, the ministry, being a bizarre, all-seeing yet pretty stupid force, immediately tell Harry he’s been expelled from Hogwarts.

But then Mr. Weasley sends a letter to the effects of ‘Yo, we’re working on it, ignore that last letter.’

Then the Ministry sends a letter to say “Okay, so you’re not expelled yet, but you probably will be. We’re gonna put you on trial.”

Then, after many months of no communication from the Wizard World, Dumbledore finally allows his underlings to nab Harry and bring him to the Ancestral House of the Black Family.

Of course, being in the Wizarding World doesn’t mean Harry’s going to be given any information. Oh no, instead he’s going to be kept totally in the dark about literally everything that’s happening, left angry without so much as an apology from anyone, and made to clean the building to keep him busy.

People complain about how angsty Harry is in this book, but I’m on his side. Kid literally sees someone die at the hands of Voldemort, and is then sent to his abusive relatives while Dumbledore just… Dumbles around? Keeping Harry ignorant about everything possible, worried about what Voldemort is planning, and not even allowed communication with Ron and Hermione.

Then, after being forced to defend himself from a pair of dementors, and suffering mental assaults from Voldemort all year, he is still not given any viable information about what’s going on, because it doesn’t work into Dumbledore’s plans.

Kid has earned his trust issues, is what I’m saying.

Mr. Weasley is kind enough to escort Harry to the Ministry of Magic for his hearing, and we do get a pretty neat piece of world building as some of the workings of the magic government is revealed. Self-propelled paper airplanes are a neat way to handle inter-department communication, and it’s neat to hear all the departments they need to actually rule secret Britian.

Also, Mr. Weasley’s one of two people that work in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office, based out of a broom closet, showing how much respect muggles get from the ministry.

So they arrive, then find out the scheduling of Harry’s hearing has been jerked about in hopes of kangaroo courting him, and they rush down to the basement for the full kangaroo court experience by Wizengamot.

But, hey, Dumbledore finally shows his face, gets Harry off, then briskly leaves without interacting with Harry.

Now, it’s obvious that Dumbledore isn’t interacting with Harry as a means of preventing Voldemort from doing evil, but it would behoove him to maybe write Harry a note or something? A simple “Hey, sorry, Dark Magic makes interacting with you directly dangerous for us both. I’m doing what I can, you’ll be fine”. Some reassurance.

So, Harry is no longer getting expelled and may keep his wand, and gets sent back to Grimmauld Place. Where he is still kept ignorant, with only Sirius backing him up, and everyone else following Dumbledore through blind loyalty.

It’s that ‘Wizards don’t have much common sense’ Thing Hermione commented on way back in book 1.

School supplies are bought, Harry is given a guard to transport him to the train station, and they’re sent off to Hogwarts.

On the ride there, we meet Luna Lovegood. She’s… okay? Hasn’t left much of an impression on me, but I remain optimistic I’ll come to be fond of the girl.

Oh, also Ron, Hermione, and Malfoy are Prefects now. As an American, I still have very little context for how significant the position is, but it’s another thing to make Harry glum.

Arriving at Hogwarts, we learn a few things: Hagrid isn’t there, with Professor Grubbly-Plank again subbing for him. Also, the horseless carriages are, in fact, not so horseless, instead being pulled along by demonic horses of some sort. Only Harry and Luna are able to see them.

Also, the school is more or less divided between not believing Harry about Voldemort’s return, and not being sure if they should believe Harry about Voldemort’s return.

Oh, also this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is Dolores Umbridge. So let’s talk about Umbridge.

Holy cow has she been oversold over the years. This woman is supposed to be the most despised villain in all of the series, loathed and compared to the middle managers of our lives, and she is just underwhelming. No one likes her, in both the real world and in the book world.

Which, personally, I see as a big limitation on her evil. Because no one pays her much mind, she’s petty and (admittedly) causes some real damage in spots, but she’s not as insidious as she could’ve been. She’s just fangless and incompetent, her eyes glossed over in this oppurtunity to prove herself to her government, and maybe scrounge a little extra power.

When I heard descriptions of this character, my mind honestly turned to much worse people. The sorts that put forth a front so sweet and kindly, and manage to actually convince some that they truly are as such. The sort of people that don’t try to strongarm their power, but instead benignly get put into a position of authority, and then convince those under her that, really, she wants to be your friend. Aren’t we friends here? Such a nice family.

All the while engaging in the quiet bullying. Telling a preteen boy that he should be ashamed of himself for crying, that she has a boy his age who never cries like him. Loudly announces the contents of a note slipped to her meant to gently object to her plans to show an inappropriately graphic[2] film to her class to turn the class on him. The sort that fires you because you aren’t socializing enough with their coworkers, but justifying it with meaningless corporate jargon.

Umbridge was too blatantly evil, too publicly loathed by everyone to truly reflect the evil she represents. A subtler, slower burn would’ve made the loatheable woman much more chilling.

But perhaps it’s the hype that’s also partially to blame.

I do like the comparisons between her and a toad, though. It’s brought up just enough to invoke a very clear image in your mind.[3]

Of course, that’s not to say Umbridge is harmless. Far from it. She is the first DADA teacher to intentionally and actively be useless at teaching her subject.[4] Worse than two literal Death Eaters, who apparently treated the job respectfully and with competence.[4] And it’s not out of malice, either. She wants to climb the political ranks, and since the current official stance of the Ministry is ‘Voldemort’s dead, Dumbledore’s senile, Harry’s lying’ that’s the worldview Umbridge is forced to take, up to and including denying the very real Dark Art threat of Voldemort and his followers, and inflicting a terrible detention of Harry over it.

The Black Quill is an interesting artifact. Expedites the process of contract signing, for one. But… I don’t know, I hold romantic notions over writing implements, so making someone write lines to inflict pain is an intriguing notion.

Also, it’s interesting that she uses it not only on Harry (who admittedly feels too cut-off to reveal the treachery to an authority figure) but at least Lee Jordan, if not others. How do you even get away with that? Surely someone would go to McGonnagall and say ‘Hey, Umbridge is making me maim myself for detention… could she maybe not?’

Eventually, enough is enough, and Hermione, desperate to form some sort of secret society after SPEW continues to fail to take off in any meaningful way despite her hat and sock knitting, instead presses Harry to teach a secret class to cover what Umbridge is willfully not.

Harry doesn’t want to.

Hermione really wants Harry to.

Harry still kinda doesn’t want to, but silently admits it might be fun.

Hermione starts planning for the new club.

Then Umbridge is like “I’m hearing plans of a secret society being formed. Welp, time to be a jerk.”

She then disbands all clubs pendent on her confirmation, partially to head off the cabal of rebellion, but mostly to annoy Harry by disbanding all the Quidditch teams.

However, the Quidditch teams are reassembled in short order, so Umbridge had to wait for Harry and the Weasley twins to get into a physical altercation with members of the Slytherin team to permanently ban them and confiscate their brooms.

So, now with more free time on his hand, Harry figures he might as well do Umbridge’s job for her.

And so they assemble allies, find a secret room, and form Dumbledore’s Army, named as a spiteful joke against Umbridge.

Which will, of course, go very well for them.

Also, this gives Harry an excuse to interact with Cho Chang some more.

Romantic subplots are hard to execute in an entertaining manner, especially if it’s obviously not going to work out. I, personally, hate having to sit through relationships that obviously aren't intended to last and/or exist just to cause Drama. It’s tedious and predictable.

So the TL;DR on Harry and Cho: they kinda date for a weekend, but it doesn’t work and is a remarkably boring detour.

Let us never talk of Cho again.

Because, meanwhile, Harry is having spo-OO-ky dreams about a dark corridor and an ominous door! Woooh!

But that’s fine, until Harry’s dream progress far enough to be in the mind of a snake attacking Mr. Weasley. Harry freaks out, warns responsible figures, and finds out that, yeah, he’s kinda been in Voldemort’s head at nights. Whoops?

Mr. Weasley is saved and brought to the only magical hospital in Britain.[5]

The scenes set in St Mungo's are actually a very well executed sequences. There’s the small details of who’s in the waiting room, showing the various ways magic can mess you up; the various wards; the annoyed receptionist. Then there’s the foreshadowing with the wizard receiving an unexpected present in the form of a plant, that acts as call back later, alongside the surprise return of Lockhart, who is still an amnesiac, but loves to sign things for reasons even he doesn’t understand. What a funny little magical tragedy.

Speaking of magical tragedies: we meet Neville’s parents!

It’s… uh… yeah, a sad scene that takes Neville’s previous hilarious Butt Monkey Status and shows just how much pain this poor child must suffer in all parts of his life, along with the kernel of nobility that lies inside as he gently rebuffs his grandmother’s pride in his parents going bad in service of the greater good. You wish for the best for the injured clan.

Also, another tiny moment I loved is, when the Order of the Pheonix comes to visit Mr. Weasley, Lupin takes time to visit with a nameless patient who’d just suffered a werewolf attack. We don’t get any more information except that, and it’s all you need. Moony’s pretty cool.

Anyways, Mr. Weasley’s fine, and even finds time to experiment with some barbaric muggle medicine (stitches? Such shame![7]) So we can move on.

Because Dumbledore decides Harry needs to learn to shut out intrusive thoughts!

And who better to teach him than Snape?

I mean, literally anyone except Umbridge would’ve been better. Heck, kidnap a Death Eater and make them do it, because apparently Education is one of the central tenants of Voldemort’s regime!

But, really, Harry distrusts Snape, and Snape hates how much Harry looks like James Potter! How are you so bad at this, Dumbledore?

So obviously, Harry doesn’t treat the threat seriously, because he doesn’t feel like appeasing Snape and so doesn’t do his homework.

Also, upon announcement of this arrangement, Sirius gives Harry a present in case Harry decides he needs to contact Sirius to report Snape abusing him. Harry promptly tosses it into the bottom of his trunk, just like he does every useful Christmas present!

Because, what Sirius should’ve done is made Harry unwrap it and explicitly explain that it’s a magic mirror of communication, that will allow them to sidestep the methods of communication Umbridge is spying on.

Once again, someone taking the time to explain would’ve prevented future pain.

Anyways, Harry’s shirking Occlumency homework, and then Cho’s[8] friend betrays the secret club to Umbridge, and they are shortly uncovered!

However, Dobby arrives to warn everyone with just enough time to get everyone but Harry away safe.

Umbridge, however, marches Harry to Dumbledore’s office, where Minister Fudge arrives with two Aurors (Magic Cops) to expel Harry and confront Dumbledore.

Dumbledore’s all ‘Why all the attention? What’s going on?’ Fudge is like “You’re building a secret army! This scared and impressionable girl told me!” Dumbledore’s all ‘Come again? Secret army? Pretty sure this was Granger and Potter’s idea.’ Fudge holds up the charter, pointing meaningfully to the heading that reads ‘Dumbledore’s Army’ Dumbledore then rolls his eyes and thinks a few swears in regards to Harry, and says ‘Okay, fine! You got me! This was a grand plot, and now I must go. Seeya!’ And uses Fawkes the Phoenix to escape. Fudge and Umbridge then just stand there, mildly mystified by what just happened, and Umbridge is made Headmistress.

So, of course, the faculty engages in gentle rebellion by refusing to help Umbridge in her duties, while Fred and George lead a campaign to prank Umbridge incessantly, before deciding to just leave and open a Joke Shop, encouraging the rest of the student body and Peeves to keep making Umbridge miserable, because what else was there to do? Actually take exams?

Oh, wait, Harry actually takes exams this year. What a novelty.

Harry takes the OWLS, because even the wizarding world is subjected to inane standardized tests, and they go mostly well enough until outside influences causes mayhem.

First, Umbridge attempts to fire Hagrid, with assistance of… some random people? But it turns out giants are highly resistant to magic, and thus stunning charms bounce off Hagrid. McGonagall comes to help Hagrid, and gets a couple stunning spells to the chest for her troubles, and ultimately much go to St. Mungo’s. Also, Umbridge manages to run Hagrid out, so she’s a jerk.

Next, during a History of Magic test, which Harry might’ve inadvertently tapped into Voldemort’s mind to get the answers for,[9] he falls asleep and sees Sirius being tortured by Voldemort in that mysterious place he’d been seeing!

Well, Harry’s got to go save Sirius now!

But first, he’ll need to sneak into Umbridge’s office to Floo Powder his head to Grimmauld Place just to double check.

Sirius’s house elf, Kreacher, says Sirius isn’t home.

Welp, time to fly off and save the life of the only person that matters to Harry Potter!

But first, Hermione’s cunning gets Umbridge dragged off by centaurs, and the centaurs scared off by Hagrid’s half-brother.[10]

So Harry, Hermione, and Ron start planning their infiltration of the Ministry!

Also, Neville, Ginny, and Luna join them because why not.

The ministry is the same before, but empty, so the youths board an elevator and go to the Department of Mysteries! OoOoOoo!

The department’s actually a pretty good example of what you can do with a dungeon. Doors that spin and randomize to keep you confused, curious chambers holding the secrets of mind, time, death, prophecy, and at least one un-unlockable door, even when faced with a magic knife.

So Harry follows what he recalls of his dreams and finds an orb of prophecy. But where’s Sirius?

Surprise! Voldemort just exploited his and Harry’s connections, so Sirius wasn’t in danger, and now we have to deal with Lucious, LaStrange, the guy who was hired to execute Buckbeak[11], and a handful of other Death Eaters.

They, of course, fall into the trap of over-talking, giving Harry time to think of a cunning plan.

They smash a bunch of prophecies, then run away, smashing more in their wake.

Those are valuable artifacts, you guys.

The Heroes battle the Villains through the various rooms, taking time to destroy all of the Time Turners ever, so Rowling never has to deal with Time Travel again, and injuries are inflicted on both sides.

But not to worry, the Order of the Pheonix has arrived to save the day! Also Harry’s prophecy is smashed. Oops.

Then Sirius arrives! And is sent through the veil and dies.

Uh… Awkward Jazz hands.

Sirius is dead now, and it’s kind of Harry’s fault, but also everyone else’s?

LeStrange and Malfoy chase Harry out shortly after Dumbledore appears to mop up the trouble.

Harry mocks LeStrange with the knowledge that, actually, Voldemort is a Half-Blood himself, and thus a terrible hypocrite.

LaStrange doesn’t believe this.

Harry also says the Prophecy is already destroyed, and they’ve failed their master.

So Voldemort appears, promising to deal with his Death Eaters failures later, but for now he should probably deal with Potter, I guess.

Dumbledore comes in, saves the day via fancy Wizard’s duel, Voldemort tries to possess Harry, believing Dumbledore would never dare kill Harry, but the Power of Love kicks Voldemort out of Harry’s head as Ministry members and Aurors and Fudge arrive to see Voldemort standing there awkwardly.

Oops.

Voldemort flees to, what I shall claim, Denny’s, forcing Lucius and LeStrange split the bill for the milkshakes for their failures.[12]

Fudge looks at Dumbledore, and admits that, maybe, he was wrong.

Dumbledore says of course he was, and teleports Harry off to the Headmaster’s office.

After dealing with Fudge, Dumbledore appears in his office to tell Harry that, yeah, he messed up, sorry, this could’ve all be avoided had Dumbledore just been upfront with Harry.

But, you see, Dumbledore has come to love Harry, and didn’t want to ruin Harry’s happiness. Like when Harry nearly died getting the Philosopher's Stone. Or when Harry almost died fighting a Basilisk. Or when Harry almost died by being eaten by Dementors. Or the Triwizard Tournament. Or when Harry had to spend summers with the Dursleys, stewing over the return of the most evil snake man. Weren’t those just the best times?

Dumbledore’s an idiot, is what I’m saying.

You know what I really hate? Plots that could be resolved if someone just told someone what was up.

Dumbledore could’ve told Harry being with the Dursley’s extends a Magical Love Shield (somehow), that he couldn’t interact directly in case Voldemort used his connection to Harry, or the Prophecy connecting the two. Or what that hall Harry had been dreaming about is, why it’s important to Voldemort, and thus why Harry must avoid it.

Sirius could’ve told Harry about the mirrors directly.

Harry could’ve told anyone about Umbridge’s abuses, or gotten some faculty members on board to assist in protecting the DA Club.

Snape could’ve maybe told Harry that James Potter bullied him during schooling.[13]

Voldemort could’ve told his followers that he’s a half-blood.

So many problems that exist because no one will just talk to one another. Regardless of the narrative, this always feels so contrived, and only frustrates the audience.

Now look what happened, Dumbledore! Sirius is dead, the Ministry in ruins, the wizarding world’s in a panic, Harry has more PTSD within him, Umbridge has once again given your students a poor education to fight the great evil on the horizon, and Harry and pals have seen how terribly fallible you are, shaking their trust further.

You are bad at tactics, Dumbledore.

And that’s about it! Harry mopes around the rest of the school year, heads home, turns Malfoy and cronies into a slug, and heads home with the Dursley’s, who are threatened by the Order of the Pheonix, since Harry has alternated between ‘Dursely’s are afraid of messing with Harry’ and ‘The Dursley’s know Harry can’t do anything to them’ every year.[14]

Actually, before they leave, we have a charming scene with Luna calmly putting up fliers asking for her stolen things back, says she saw her mother die,[15] and is very aware of what others think of her. It’s very endearing, and I hope Luna gets more to do next book. She’s a sweetie.

It was an okay book, despite utilizing my least favorite plot contrivance. We got a lot more world building outside Hogwarts, seeing more how the Wizard’s world functions; Luna’s a good addition to the cast; the Myth arc with Voldemort is advanced significantly. A lot of good elements, but the parts that they float in are… average? The romantic elements are unengaging, Umbridge isn’t a enthralling threat, and the actual single book story is just serviceable. It’s not my favorite that I’ve read so far. Hopefully Half-Blood Prince will be better.

Kataal kataal.

[1] It’s starting to grow on me. [2] IE, violence. [3] Admittedly this character, who I actually know next to nothing about, and I should probably look into fixing that. [4] I can’t get over the fact that the secret villains of Books 1 and 4 are implied to have been actually good teachers. That’s hilarious. [5] Based off infrastructure alone, the wizarding world should implode.[6] [6] I mean, seriously Rowling? One American Wizard School? Just one? Do you realize how big America is? How impractical it would be to cart Hawaiians or Alaskans all the way to New England? [7] I used to have a bunch of those in mah face! [8] I know, I’m sorry, I’ll try not to bring her up again. [9] Or he actually studied well. I prefer my theory. [10] Who I didn’t discuss because ~eh. [11] His inclusion bothers me. Man is paid to put down vicious wildlife, so he gets to be a magic nazi. Okay, Rowling. [12] LeStrange promises to pay Lucius later, but she never does. [13] Okay, this is forgivable. [14] In order: threat of magical retaliation, knowing Harry’s been expelled, Harry has a Mass Murdering Godfather, Harry’s seen a kid die and fears for the world. [15] Uniquely not because of Voldemort’s influence. Luna’s Mother just made a mistake.