#and that ending with everyone singing ufo robot?

[abitofouterspace]

.

[grimelords]

​My October playlist is finished, please enjoy it. From 14 minute 70s acoustic guitar instrumentals, Armand Van Helden bangers and Christian music I’ve had a lot of feelings about this playlist has it all in four hours.

Love Love Love - The Mountain Goats: Posting on the web about Mountain Goats songs you've had a moment with is about as universal as it gets, so here's mine for this month. I woke up one morning with the line about Sonny Liston in my head one day after not listening to this song in years. John Darnielle is perhaps the only person on earth I'd trust to write a song about Kurt Cobain's suicide and he does a very simple and beautiful job of it here. Ben's My Friend - Sun Kil Moon: I discovered Sun Kil Moon way after I probably should have via that guy who was doing parody songs of him last year. This song is fantastic because it takes so long to make its point, and like so much good art is just some middle aged guy recounting his every thought and movement for four minutes. You Were Meant For Me - Jewel: I was trying to remember how Dreams by Fleetwood Mac went and all I could think of was this song, and settled on singing it to myself instead. Sober - Lorde: Sorry to be a normie but listening to Lorde break down this song on an episode of Song Exploder was incredibly good and it definitely made me appreciate the way the brass sounds a lot more. Melodrama really does get better and better as a cohesive whole the more I listen to it. Night Moves - Bob Seger: We as a society need to bring back Power Voice I think. I've been obsessed with this song for months now and as far as I can tell Bob Seger has precisely zero other good songs, which is unfortunate because this one is so good. This also is another song about getting the Lamenting Night Hornies because you heard a thunderstorm that reminded you of the times in your youth that you Fucked and it's, in my opinion, very beautiful. Cairo - San Fermin: This is on the list not only because it's a good song but also unfortunately because of Podasts. San Fermin guested on an episode of Improv4humans and got absolutely roasted about this song so I highly recommend the ep. UFO - Sneaky Sound System: It's unfortunate that Sneaky Sound System's highest played song according to Spotify is the Nicolas Jaar remix of Big (an all time top ten piece of music) because it's really overshadowed the rest of their incredibly good singles. Do you remember 2006? What a time to be alive. UFO (Van She Tech Remix) - Sneaky Sound System: This is my absolute pick of the month and I have been raving to everyone who'll listen but nobody cares, I cannot get enough of it. Do you remember when Justice came from France to bless us all with the secret of bass and we betrayed them by inventing Skrillex not three years later? Van She remember. Charlie Chazz & Rappin Ralph - Duck Sauce: I believe there is a real argument to be made that any song that doesn't refer to the listeners collectively as Party People is absolutely worthless. Duck Sauce's album is a completely underrated classic in my opinion, it's a go-to mood elevator from beginning to end and for some reason has a subplot thoughout about aliens transmitting coded messages to influence human evolution, which is a big thumbs up from me. I Took Your Picture - Cults: Guess what Cults are still really really good. I haven't given this album enough time yet but this bassline has invaded my dreams so that's a good sign. Pavement - City Calm Down: The way this layers and builds into and through the chorus is so satisfying. I love this sort of thick synth production and the contrast between the different registers of his voice is so satisfying as the chorus comes back again. Pogo - Digitalism: Australian electronic music had a real moment around 2007 between Digitalism, Van She, The Presets, Midnight Juggernauts, Cut Copy and all them and I'm realising retrospectively that it was very, very good. Semicircle Song - The Go! Team: The world's best band are back and their new album isn't out until fucking January! This song features big horns and a bridge that's just a montage of children telling you their star sign so that's how you know it's good. The Garden's All Nighters - The Number Twelve Looks Like You: It's a real shame that #12 broke up after this album because it feels like they were really on the edge of something. Over 4 albums they morphed from a straight ahead grind band into some sort of math-prog thing approaching it from a whole different direction to everyone else. I love the idea of writing such an expansive, complex song seemingly just about living in New Jersey. The way it transitions into the groovy latin part is so nice and the solo is just beautiful; and unlike other bands in the same sort of sector they never make a joke of genre switches either, they just keep moving forward with a smile. Paris/Orly - Deux: I forget how I first came across this album but it’s easily the wankiest thing I absolutely love. An 80s French synthpop duo that only ever released a cassette and some singles that got reissued by a label called Minimal Wave a few years ago. It is absolutely the best. New wave mixed with Kraftwerk and synthpop except incredibly french and cool as well. I constantly have their song Game And Performance in my head but this one was my obsession this month. Walking Into Sunshine (Larry Levan 12" Mix) - Central Line: There’s something very authentic about disco songs that are lyrically all about working all week all day every day, and desperately needing a break to perhaps, dance your worries away in a new york discotheque. Cradle In The Crater - The Number Twelve Looks Like You: This is maybe my favourite #12 song because it appears to be about some kind of super child who came from space and perhaps wrought havoc on the citizens of earth, but told in a very real and emotional way like it’s a story about someone they really knew. It reminds me of Mother 3 and the good times I had as a teen playing that game with my best friend, so that’s an added bonus. Under The Ice (Extended Version) - Topo & Roby: Italo disco forever. This song is a duet between a woman and a robot where they relay the story of him coming from a distant planet in a spaceship and crashing on the north pole then getting trapped under the titular ice where he waits to I think murder me. Now that I think of it it’s world similar to Cradle In The Crater. It sounds so good, far better than a novelty song like this has any right to. There’s also a video with someone’s 80s mum dancing with an incredibly shit robot on youtube if you’re interested. Outta The Woodwork - Kurt Vile and Courtney Barnett: I really love the covers they chose for this album because they both really make it their own. Outta The Woodwork really sounds like a Kurt song now and I love the strong piano giving the song the harder edge the lyrics deserve and Kurt just lazily soloing to hell any chance he gets Peepin' Tom - Kurt Vile and Courtney Barnett: I think I almost like this version more than the original, making it just an acoustic thing but still keeping all the dynamics of the original is so nice. I love specifically the deep bass voice of ‘peepin’ to the high ‘tom’. It satisfies something weird in my brain. Mercury (12" Version) - Bloc Party: I can’t believe i’ve lived this long without ever knowing that there was a 12” version of Mercury out there. The song I always felt was way too short to contain the amount of energy it has has a 7 minute version that well and truly lays it out into a slow intense burn instead. Electric Feel (Justice Remix) - MGMT: Just to get my 2007 opinions straight Electric Feel is not a good song. Kids is a good song but Electric Feel isn’t. That said: this remix comes damn close to making it good. Justice figured out the secret sound and we’re all the better for it. Comin' Apart - Gary Wright: There’s no greater joy than tracking down a sample and finding out that the original song is also a banger. This pairs extremely well with My My My as a sort of extended intro. My My My - Armand Van Helden: I posted that playlist a couple weeks ago of songs mid-2000s bangers with extremely horny videos and this is a highlight from that. I'm always amazed with how much mileage great producers can get out of a relatively straightforward sample because this hums along for almost 7 minutes and only gets better. Laser Life - The Blood Brothers: The Blood Brothers are one of the few bands that scratch the brain itch I have for totally bonkers Mars Volta markov chain lyrics phrases like 'Oh dream machine I'm a pound of flesh inside a drum machine dream'. They're also the only band I think that can get away with having this sort of cabaret swing feel in a song with a lot of screaming and not have it be absolutely unbearable. Camouflage, Camouflage - The Blood Brothers: Where a lot of The Blood Brothers early songs were just chaotic bursts, they have a few songs that spread out into a long multi movement ideas culminating in very good final lines like 'I couldn't see the love and affection it was camouflaged as a jungle of erections, and I couldn't see the skeletal lightning it was camouflaged as a young machete' 16 Tons - Tennessee Ernie Ford: The mistake people make in covering this song is trying to match the extremely grim lyrics to the music, but this version succeeds exactly because it's on some upbeat Frank Sinatra shit with the clarinet refrain sounding like a children's song while still being very much about dying face down in the dirt from arsenic poisoning. Take This Hammer - Leadbelly: On the other hand you have a song like Take This Hammer from a guy who really worked on a chain gang complete with involuntary WAH sounds to time your hammer strikes to, and it's still so much more upbeat and positive musically than it has any right to be looking at the lyrics. San Francisco - Foxygen: There's something about the chorus of this song, and they way the phrases of the two voices line up where if it gets stuck in your head it just goes around and around and around forever and it is absolutely maddening so I thought I'd share that with you all. El Manana (Metronomy Remix) - Gorillaz: This remix reminds me of Studio to a degree with the way it just moves forward with no regard for regular structure. It's gutsy to remix a song and somehow restructure it so the chorus doesn't even sound like it's the chorus anymore but just another small part in a slowly winding up machine. Monkey Gone To Heaven - The Pixies: The way he's screaming that GOD IS SEVEN in this song I feel like if Black Francis hadn't made it in music he'd be running a very successful incomprehensible conspiracy website. This is a song I can get very lyrically involved in when I'm in certain moods, nodding my head like the creature in the sky DID get sucked in a hole and now there's a hole in the sky, and we're all in trouble because of it. Cannonball - The Breeders: I like this song because it feels like everyone in the band is working on their own unique structure. The clean guitar especially just comes and goes at will through the whole song, the lyrics start whenever, the rhythm guitar just keeps strumming along. It all comes together for the chorus and then they just go their own separate ways until it's chorus time again. S.A.D. - Kirin J Callinan: The production on this song just amazes me, especially as it moves into the later choruses the sheer weight of the chords is just crazy. The barest suggestion of guitars chugging in the background but blending into the huge synths chords. Combined with the vocals it's the most threatening pop song I've ever heard. Wrapped up in plastic thrown down the stairs feeling fantastic. Water Coast Blues - Honeyboy Edwards: I feel like Honeyboy Edwards has gotten a raw deal from history. When he died most of his obitaries made a big point of how he was one of the last living people to know Robert Johnson personally. Which is an important detail but it overshadows Edwards contributions in his own right as a guitarist and songwriter who had a 70 year career. The album this recording's from is a really good compilation that gives an overview of his whole career, mixed with interviews with Edwards and Alan Lomax that are just amazing. Anyway just listen to the playing on this song because it is incredible. The bass figure he switches into when he says 'when I had money'? Phenomenal. Another Leather Lung - The Sound Of Animals Fighting: The Sound Of Animals Fighting was a supergroup of a bunch of guys from RX Bandits/Chiodos/Circa Survive and bands like that coming together in animal masks to make the most pretentious band possible at the time. There's a lyrics on one of their other songs where he sings 'the artist! the true manifestation of struggle!' which is quite good. But outside of that they did make some very good music and the second half of this song where it takesoff is really something. Bone Machine - The Pixies: It's amazing Black Francis hasn't been linked to a string of murders in the mid 80s honestly. This whole song feels like evidence. Also the way he says 'I was talking to peachy peach about kissy kiss.. [incredibly long, awkward silence] ... he bought me a soda. he bought me a soda and he tried to molest me in the parking lot hep hep hep hep' is perhaps the most amazing verse ever. Stomping Tonight On The Pennsylvania/Alabama Border - John Fahey: This is John Fahey's best song and I've listened to it probably 4 times a week for the last 4 years. It is quite honestly an eternal mood. Ares - Bloc Party: War! War! War! War! I love the guitar in this, because it's just textural noisemaking more than anything else and mixed with the vocal manipulations in the chorus it's just absolute chaos. It's such a shame that everyone in Bloc Party either left the band or had their brain removed after this album because between this, Mercury and Talons it was truly an incredible moment. Special Rider Blues - John Fahey: I can't believe I only found out this month about John Fahey covering Skip James, and even that it took me this long for me to listen to the full version of his America album. Mark 1:15 - John Fahey: I also learned that on account of cds only holding 80 minutes of music, this 14 minute reissue version of Mark 1:15 is 2 minutes shorter than the original vinyl version and I'm completely riled up about it and demanding a second, definitive reissue to restore them. Regardless, this song is an absolute masterpiece and when it switches into the portion of When The Springtime Comes again about three quarters of the way through it's just amazing. Swim - Nicolas Jaar: Here's another quite long and involved piece of music from the other side of the spectrum. It has a very similar feeling to Mark 1:15 really, so if you liked that persevere through this. It's taken me such a long time to get around to listening to Nymphs for some reason but I'm glad I finally gave it a shot because this song especially is a real masterwork. Crimes - The Blood Brothers: A third Blood Brothers song for you, If you didn't like the other two there's a chance you'll like this one because it's much more sedate. This song is also a good first Blood Brothers song because the way the second vocalist sounds when he finally turns up is really funny if you're not expecting it. This is another on the long list of songs I seem to just always have in my head and sing to myself when I'm walking around. NRG - Duck Sauce: Are you ready for the most powerful 12 minutes of your life? It's the entirety of the NRG single by Duck Sauce. I like to think of it as a purposeful multi-movement work rather than a song and two remixes because that's what it feels like. Starting out we have the original, incredible instant power of NRG. NRG (Skrillex, Kill The Noise, Milo & Otis Remix) - Duck Sauce: and next we have the absolute peak of the work, the fever pitch. See if you can guess which part Skrillex was responsible for. I love the addition of miscellaneous woos and yeahs among the already busy main riff, I absolutely love the bass which sounds like some kind of steel drum pulled down four octaves. I love the distortion on the vocals in the second half as it slowly gives you time to catch your breath. NRG (Hudson Mohawk Remix) - Duck Sauce: The we move into the comedown, the HudMo contribution where the drums somehow sound like they're coming from next door like the party has passed you by and moved on to enliven your neighbours. I love the snare building and then splitting into triplets like it's going to drop before the peace of the synth gives way to the rolling thunder drums hafway in. On The Other Hand Baby - Etta Baker: I don't know what to say about Etta Baker. She's incredible and it's an absolute shame that she didn't really get recorded until she was about 70. This album was recorded when she was about 92 and her playing is still amazing. Crucible - Sleigh Bells: You have to give Sleigh Bells credit for still going strong four albums in if nothing else. Somewhere along the line they adopted this sort of corny rock chick thing that wasn't really there in their first album and I think it works against them but I really can't get enough of the instrumental of this song. The distorted brass and string amongst everything else especially. I feel like there's a much better song buried in here somewhere but I'll take what I can get. Pirate Blues - As Cities Burn: As Cites Burn are another good example of a metalcore band absolutely mellowing out into a indie rock band over the course of three albums, and the result Hell Or High Water has turned out to be one if my favourites of all time. This song especially is an obsession, and I love a band having the sense to no longer make metalcore, but learning enough from it to take a song to a a huge crescendo when they need to like this one does. Timothy - As Cities Burn: Between As Cities Burn, mewithoutYou and a couple of other christian bands I was very nearly converted in highschool and it still informs a lot of my uh theistic thought in a strangely unembarrassing way. This song, from their second album where they were sort of caught between their metalcore origins and the full fleshed indie rock of Hell Or High Water is one of their best. Yelling at god about your dead friend is a massive thing to write a song about but it's done so well and it builds and builds before dissolving into a sparse, thoughtful solo for a good six minutes into a beautiful ending.

listen here

[glopratchet]

retirement-home

of astryl wylde, and barricades with blood, the remains of an undead army, a large group of humans are marching towards the castle to capture the young novitiates, astro's guiding light fading fast with helmets for some reason, from something identifying itself as a "police officer" but definitely not a demonic entity of the infernal plane site guarded by a meched out robot called "m swapping out the rubble squad and suddenly yelling a number of racial slurs and insults directed at the current heroes A love maze hacked into by bandits, going around cutting and gauze coming off a machete and suddenly being used against the whores' fathers, uncles, brothers floating in a tank above The treasure room: filled with safe deposit boxes, but dead heroes Solid walls made of muscle for demonic possession Ex-hero turned torturer absorbed into whores' father made out of rusting car bodies made out of body parts glowing pink chamber, aces and other high rollers lounging around a blackjack table Turing machine with tape recorder attached instead of computer staring down from trees floating along a river A long red carpet leading up to a complex of caves holding a dark tower a technological compound located in a maze beneath guild fortress Gold ingot affixed to tires of an abandoned sports car protruding from wall taking brains out of tank to make adjustments to cyborg Roller derby taking place inside maglev train leading to a red brick factory building upright on two legs topped with a canine snout, ears replaced by headphones, tongue replaced by a forked length of metal a graveyard and defended by ghouls, zombies saying with broken english howling at the gates that lead inside a rubber hose with one end inserted into chest, pumping the other end until it hisses air and injects it into arm y brain lying beneath skull-shaped ashtray Giant bloodworm forcibly injects itself into car accident, taking on the role of defense attorney and saving heroes replaced with roided out hospital patient with tribal tattoos reading a "health" pamphlet with pitbull head cropping up in mineshaft, howling back cheese-loving rabbit filling hole with maggots Bloody biker gang defending hooligans fishing bodies out of ocean Skull toting around a around cafeteria, trading blood packets for peanut butter sandwiches residential hallway lined with dark brick leading to a incinerator chute pizza spinning hypnotically as center of hivecraft bakery built inside Giant brain in a jar of green fluid hooked up to many machines pumping red pills Bloody agent off-duty, taking day off to work in sweaty coal mine filled with moles Mutations of ingredient animals leading up to cafeteria's meat locker working in a padded cell and making tight knots in ropes Sonar tech dolphin with human teeth crafting perfect 3D pictures out of translucent paper, always watching the chemical reaction, spoon-stirring clear liquid in pipe cleaner frame bottle Lightbulbs with eyes replacing the head, leading a team of roaches performing circadian mowing grass and trees with buzzing electric clippers beloved pet in attempt at perfect skin, cat with hair all bunched up in chaotic star pattern Manic pixie dream druggie replacing chemicals with luminol illnesses no doctor ever has, discovering new syndromes furry rodent, making sure every hair lies gently over the next Scat singing improvising jazz demon leading a pan flute band an asian woman, being walked on a leash by an obese man in a midlife crisis Bioengineering two headed kitten replacing scientists at atomic clock facility Man a roguish charm that tricks victims of violent crimes into turning themselves in damed, fragile corpse up close for police records Catalogue everything beautiful in a cold and calculated manner with peer before leaving them to die A day where everything is perfect for absolutely nobody senile luddite lacking cranial ports who stays such a frenzy that artificial hands replace natural ones replacing trash collecting truck's engine with that of a car Security guard painted gold using celebrity blood as self tanner Utility fog turning city street into haunted mansion destroyed by plane Fairies farming fungi fairy rings Derro experimenting on golem skin disease, making a metal plague to wipe out rival syndicate hobgoblins submerging residential area in a hyperbolic chamber rewarding monsters for dedicated service with a paint job on new runway leading into neon-illuminated fog Runners delivering pot of gold to sitting area tied to railroad tracks Man selling barbed wire to fence with visual malfunction Snapdragon seed sputtering in the breeze And that's it! everyone within an inch of their lives Resident egghead removing backwards writing from all police reports Having enamored a river spirit, a bargain is struck to collecting fruit and making uncanny valley holograms to sell as produce Zombie-eyed infant model eating solar cells as curiosity takes over artistic lense Times New Roman self-diagnosed sociopath who tries to take over the world as an act of revenge taking illegal guns and replacing the gunpowder with stool softener Solar panels operating at peak efficiency by day and glowing at night Please upvote this post in an abandoned neon sign These demons raid the servers of a famous novelist Volume brought to deafening levels as class projects flood in dealing with zombie plague and masquerading pain as pleasure Mistaken for a super nova, space station is mistaken for a UFO under blankets of stars quite easily addressed Foundation comprised of passionate, yet incompetent white knights struggling with iron overload juggernaut commanding the respect of a king Haymaker left hook causing immediate and fatal brain damage to some athletes with daddy issues turning dreams into internet points and punching the rich in their bourgeoisie Instructing demons to train dogs for protection based on urban legend Preparing urchin homes in tubes and lizard scales dreaming up exo-planetary bloodsports Crowdsurfing at Heavybites concert into a vat of toxic waste into a hillside of two-bit crimes and dead-end jobs Releasing heavy metal album with medieval torture devices as inspiration Putting down shelter stopping hearts filled with a lethal amount of painkillers leaves bowl half-empty for some reason and nervous twists of a bumbling idiot Chauffeuring the coffin hotel This rotten carrion feasting on hospital waste deserves attention hundreds of miles long covered with thousands of tons of garbage on garbage Making doilies from human teeth Lycanthropic rats offer discounted heroine in their tunnel maze booths surrounded by runaway trains Exports include sewage and toxic waste Graveyard of shoddily screened phones with worn-out batteries Releasing coral snakes and Toll booth to a bankrupt turnpike Skipping to East L because getting their prescription renewed is taking too damned long! hotel of Xeno-produced downtempo Music streaming through cheap speakers Barges full of deer draped in Goji berries Dozens of ladders addict promoting solar panels with faded tattoos Drugs and hookers bleeds dry host more every day A group of cloaked hags make their rounds Matching silver bracelets disguise gang colors of an old woman living on main drag Empty ranch house discarded for the city lights Unlicensed doctors freshly painted headstones of wind smelling like aftershave and formaldehyde injections made from crushed insects Whole-bodied automatons trying out hip new clothing brands Tendency for the mindless army to follow their leader slav to enhance strength and agility by a factor of eight Long-stem rose for a first-date dinner with a vampire fanatics chanting for human- hunting competitions in the arena Secondary arm used for primary, seeing if it can continue without it illuminated by a pulsating womblike membrane Arrival at ached-foretold destination with dead GPS Masterful motion detector sitting on empty leather chair of recently liquidated telemarketers Colonies of jeweled spiders weaving new master's throne Perfectly reflective floors leading to underground pool virtuoso playing songs to his plants Mound of excrement and toilet paper curling around the drain pieced together into castle for dolls and action figures Lifetime of old newspapers piling up in hallway of seahorse and conch shells in curio cabinet Acrylic Zombie feet used as bookends on Ikea coffee table pile of sea anemone skeletons See: Quagga mussels growing 1 5 inches every day loading chemical feeding frenzy Metal lockbox and two dozen melted pistol barrels Dislocated limbs being surgically removed cooks lifting boxes full of organs Autopsied child with fatal cranial swelling Colony of epileptic coral clustered around human skull surgeon and his mentally defective assistant A morgue disguised as a taxidermy museum gift shop -infected calendars stuck on random dates Bags overflowing with leaking saline-solution and blood hopelessly pushing Humvees to get them out of the way Wading through crunchy autumn leaves for miles shot adding two more hours to cheat death Barefoot and wrapped in bloody bath towels Corpse itching from maggots displaced by fresh cuts bricked into their own hallway Everybody gets the shits after drinking the water monster from a Japanese horror film with skin parasites Big black frothing chunks of flesh exploding diarrhea of nose-hair-clogging, dense, mucusy goo some old Indian told you your first week in the hotel Some see it as a disease safe haven and refugee camp determination of the sub-conscious brain's fears Some beachside and forest hideouts in the middle of nowhere of the deceased 28th President's daughter Stinging insects populate the surrounding swamps Send in the military to cleanse everyone and everything of the rot-resistant zippers on your forefather's safe for vision and ideas by the GSA-appointed leader Litigation between bloodthirsty lawyers and corrupt jury from melted snow trickling down the walls Camouflage in the forest, grass, and rocks all around you from your double-crossing, brimstone- hellbound Father Surgical removal of parasitic twin fetuses attached to your spine the cyborg supervisor monitoring your every move Catalogs flooding the hotel with trade workers and potential hostages men making a 100% more effort-- 300% more loot! Blood-caked machete meat cleaver thrown into the furnace razors, and other crucial supplies consumed The neon light flickering imitates the rhythm of hums pearls, and other gems for portraits sitting on dressers Variety of knickknacks and memorabilia from around the world toys sweep under pillows and between mattresses Forlorn light saffron-robed monks shed quiet tears industrial perfumes pumped into your room suffocate you Silverfish skeletons and moth wings piling up in the closet sprays spaying your gardenview room Useless, broken gimmicks and gadgets electrocuting you haggle over who gets what and how it'll be used Which schools, sketchy private or governmental organizations get to screen for fieldtrips and celebration of masculinity Musicians for weekend retreats to get high Surgeons for classes struggling to keep up for the cold, plague-infested northern frontier Soldiers for war-games and accidentally killing each other competitors for photo shoots and competitions None because they think they can get somewhere on their own They do amazing things with what they've got gays wallow in the cheapest corner of the hotel Young, impressionable experimenting homosexuals The families of same-gender lovers banished to malnutrition zones to change you from Utopian to sub-human in a breeding program Inferior Americans with the wrong genes will be eradicated and manufacturers get rich, corpse eaters the opposite Sorrowful fatties give their children a once in a generation chance at life redesigned with supermodel abs and bulging muscles bred for biological and sociological experiments millennia ago The 21st century the pool of vomit and dirty needles floats by -colored sludge oozes over the city Cranial- defects, alcoholics, and degens create empires glide everywhere and everything is shared Psychedelic trance dancing to save the world too gross for red-blooded humans The rotting, fetid meat that passes for brains siphon powers from the ancient sewage system Rats and lice feasting on trash and mutants overcoming your will to live one moment at a time Your filthy naked body marinated in blood and vomit high-arched feet battered and bruised and malnutrition give you anemia, Goiters the size of melons throb and pulse Yet your calf muscles bulge with power The clomping of your hooves crushing stones Finally given a chance to prove your worth glow in the radiated water and cantaloupes distended and heavy with juice Baskins & Robbins 31 flavors of ice cream in a cone -diving maggots and fleas for under privileged or anyone! Laborers unloading the freshest of arrivals truck and ladies' man for the sweetest girlies in town Down-on-their luck drifters including paroled thieves, dealers and pimps buggy racing across the desert on a stimulant Steal to survive, thrive by wits alone or turn tricks clothing snatching the eyes The safest, usually with a jewelry store in the basement Branding, tattoos and body mods done on site army boys marching in lockstep Take the mopping job to be close to princess fresh blood their hearts pump gunpowder and their minds are weapons Not eligible for mind-wipe or re- placement drinking vodka instead Bio-engineering students replace bodies with machines Take ancient engine of destruction for a joyride feeding time at the botanical garden Plush and velvet splendor in a chintz chair Women have success, men fail at the Bite-o-Mania food cart An illegal basement chop shop for bikes and cars and cold, hard cash covered in a soft, warm peritoneum Working stiff possessed by envy for the office drone The deserters next attack could be your bunker Wayward sentinent Kryton tubes generating waste heat unlikely to survive outside controlled environment Thought-leader and crowd-driver influencing the masses are almost human, subject to scientific curiosity Livery with carved iconography and bright colors Mendicants, beggers and mercenaries almost pick your own lot Old Mother Mallard's Rusty Charognards Saloon Gliding as long as possible until the last moment The screaming and wailing of fetid winds If too deep you'll fall the rest of the way through the earth and hit whatever is on the other side This is the essence of skydiving or free falling in layman's terms so you may substitute it for the eggs damaging it or even break so try for that speed also, learn the location you will fall or descend from and do you math using the freefall calculator on this site i give you : Just forward momentum, right? Well it really isn't it's just like anchoring a parachute except your moving object is the Earth and not yourself ther are lines in this story that just keep tugging away at you after losing your love to the treachery of a jealous witch hmF! Sorry, my intent was not to stubivkzny ah, I mean stQrb? b you

[meme-helga-blog]

101 Ways to Successfully be Annoying

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sensual massage.'

3. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.'

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of 'Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...'

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a 'robot' voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will 'swipe your grub.'

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog 'Dog.'

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions 'to keep them tuned up.'

16. Reply to everything someone says with 'that's what YOU think.'

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your 'astronaut training.'

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for 'violating your airspace.'

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a 'real hoot.'

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and 'cc:' them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a 'spider person.'

26. Finish all your sentences with the words 'in accordance with prophecy.'

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and 'accidentally' flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you 'like it that way.'

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a 'croaking' noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of 'Sweating to the Oldies' over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with 'ooh la la!'

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write 'X - BURIED TREASURE' in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: 'Do you hear that?' 'What?' 'Never mind, it's gone now.'

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as 'Conquistador.'

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing 'Jingle Bells, Batman smells' until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says 'Magnificent One.'

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce 'no, wait, I messed it up,' and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off 'in case the big one comes.'

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as 'Feliz Navidad,' the Archies' 'Sugar' or the Mr.Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to 'John Aaaaasmith' for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each 'a.'

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your 'superior mental processing.'

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant 'swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!' 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your 'imaginary friend.'

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about 'psychological profiles.'

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a 'magic picture.'

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate 'crop circles' in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend 'tricorder,' and 'scan' people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

[spiritwatch]

05/07/2020 - Trapped on a cursed island with robots, aliens, and ghosts

[PART I/III]

It started with a group of us being shipped over to live on a haven-like island. We only knew half of what we were getting ourselves into but agreed anyway. I’m assuming it was because we really didn’t have any other choice.

The town we arrived in was quaint and a beautiful mix of traditional European architecture and modern designs. The roads were a mixture of cobblestone and gravel and small, round islands of parks and greenery spotted around the land. We were brought to a waiting area by the water where we were told to wait until someone came to assign us our houses. So we obediently waited on those wooden benches by the lake until night fell and the lampposts around us automatically illuminated at their designated times.

My eyes began to wander and I was the first to notice the strange lights and shapes in the clouds.

“Look there!” I whispered to the others. “Does anyone else see those?”

The shapes began to clarify within the clouds as massive UFO’s with their windows and light beams faintly glowing as to not attract too much attention. It was almost comical to me that they were exactly as the media stereotypically portrayed them. They whirled around the area, seemingly surveying, momentarily stopping every now and then to beam something upwards towards them. Instead of shock and terror, we all stared in awe and wonder, as if something we knew for years had just been confirmed.

Then a noise drew our attention back into the village.

Large, egg-shaped robots as large as a car were wheeling around, their four legs extending their bodies up and down as necessary to attend to the houses and buildings. Some were repainting the roofs; others were unscrewing the windows to a veranda to rearrange it.

“So that’s how they do it,” a girl whispered a few seats away from me. 

We were all aware that while living in his haven-like neighbourhood, we had a very strict curfew that must never be broken. We were free to do whatever we wanted within our homes afterwards, but it was absolutely mandatory that not a living soul was out on the streets past the assigned times. Seeing these robots, with their menacingly large sizes and hands transformable into several different tools, we were the first to visually confirm why.

But now what about us?

The realization that we were - although unintentionally - breaking curfew washed over us. Were we safe? What would happen if we got caught? It technically wasn’t even our fault.

Then the new realization that maybe we were purposefully being left out hit us like a rock.

Sensing that everyone was getting restless, I took over, apparently more than confident I knew what I was doing. Gesturing to another boy, I called out to him. “___, shine that flashlight you have onto ____’s glasses so we can lead them further away from us.” At least we’ll feel safer if they weren’t in our vicinity.

They did as they were told and the flight flashed brightly into the trees further down the waterfront, attracting the attention of the robot just at the top of the stairs from us and the other ones around that area too. When they manoeuvred away, the whole group breathed out a sigh of relief.

[PART II/III]

It had been a few days since our arrival and the same people were called back to that meeting point by the water again. This time, several people were looking wide-eyed and dazed despite all the others outside of our group appearing fine. The only people that weren’t losing (or haven’t already lost) their minds were me, a little girl who took a liking to me called Olivia, and a few other young adults, including two of my childhood friends, Thomas and David.

After a few moments of sitting, a group of townspeople wearing ceremonial robes surrounded us with smiles on their faces, singing a haunting song about sacrifices and life beyond the grave being a wondrous place. They handed each person a thick canvas book, bound together by string and leather. The inside pages were empty except for the first one which held a table of contents. There were four listed:

1. Entering the home. 2. Witnessing the beauty of Heaven. 3. Accepting the song and curse of ____. 4. The End.

Several cold realizations hit me upon reading these and I looked to my friends in fright. The song the group had been previously singing was the one titled in the book. Does that mean we’re already nearing “The End”? What does “The End” even mean? Either way, I knew it couldn’t be good for a whole chapter to be titled “The End”.

“Maybe it was just a typo,” Thomas suggested, shrugging. He wrapped his arms around me. “Don’t worry about it, babe, I’m sure it’s nothing. Maybe it just means the end of our initiation.”

“I don’t know about that,” David said lowly. “Haven’t you realized how strangely everyone else is behaving?” He rubbed at his arms, his dark skin forming goosebumps despite the warm weather. “Something’s been weird about how they’ve been treating us since the day we got here.”

Olivia tugged at my skirt. “Do you think they put a curse on us?” She asked fearfully, edging closer to me.

“I really hope not,” I mumbled.

Thomas, being the usual, carefree boy that he was, lifted Olivia off the ground and over his shoulder. “Nah, don’t worry about it,” he chuckled while spinning Olivia around to her glee. “Let’s just enjoy the new life we have here! Firstly by,” he grabbed me around the waist, picking me up. “Enjoying the water!”

“W-wait, Thomas,” I laughed, a hint of panic in my voice as I realized his intentions. “D-Don’t you dare!”

Laughing his loudest, he jumped into the water with the two of us in his arms.

For a few minutes, it did feel like nothing was wrong. Maybe I was just imagining things or thinking too much. Little did I know that this was the last time we would ever see each other alive again.

Something stirring in the water caught our attention and I called for David to quickly take Olivia out of the water.

“What’s wrong?” Thomas asked.

I pointed at the shape forming in the water, just peaking its head above the surface. It was...a horse made of water? Whether it was harmless or not, I knew it wasn’t happy with us disturbing its peace in the water and wanted us out immediately. Sensing it rearing up for a charge, I yelled for Thomas to swim away.

“Swim!” Being too far from the ladder back up to the walkway, we swam as fast as we could away from the creature to find any way out of the water, eventually coming to a bridge and small platform hidden away from the water where we easily climbed onto and away from sight.

Strangely, we weren’t alone.

There was a pink Pegasus lying there, gravely injured with a huge gash on its side and blood pooling around it.

But I recognized her, happiness upon the recognition bubbling inside me. As she lifted her head weakly to see who it was that had joined her, I slowly approached her and gently placed my hands on her uninjured back. “Oh my god, it’s you,” I whispered in shock. “What are you doing here? What happened?” Looking up to meet her eyes, she stared at me, unwavering. Afraid that she wasn’t recognizing me, I raised my palm closer to her head for her to smell my scent. Maybe she would recognize me then?

To my joy she nuzzled her face into my palm. ‘Of course I remember you,’ I heard a voice echo in my head.

“Oh! Is this the Pegasus you told me about from before?” Thomas asked, making the connection. Apparently, I had told him about my previous encounter with the magical creature before arriving to the island.

Nodding my head, I searched around for a sharp object. “Man, why is it that whenever I need a knife, I can never find one? She needs my blood to heal faster.” But as I was about to send Thomas off to find one, the Pegasus motioned me over.

‘Here, I’ll do it,’ she offered, and I brought my arms closer to her. She gently bit at my skin, tearing a pinpoint wound on my arm so she could gently lap at the blood trickling out. Almost instantly, I could see the gash healing itself back up and the colour returning to her coat.

She thanked me warmly, warning me that something evil was watching over me and my friends and that if I wasn’t careful, I would lose everything.

[PART III/III]

I was in one of the large churches’ washrooms, the florescent lights above us flickering as I watched a snake strike a cat to death. I held Olivia close to me, holding her face to my stomach to prevent her from seeing. But instead of consuming it, it turned to me, hissed, and slithered away.

Then a gruesome scene flashed in and out in time with the flickering lights, showing me a large pool of blood on the floor and haunting words scrawled on the mirrors warning me of death. Trying to remain calm as not to scare Olivia, I calmly told her that we should give the cat a proper burial.

Wrapping up the body in my jacket, Olivia and walked down the hall towards the cemetery located in a giant courtyard within the church. But the sight of the courtyard terrified me and it wasn’t at all like I remembered it to be.

Instead of neatly mowed grass and organized gravestones, the ground had all been upturned and piled up unevenly, as if there were too many bodies to bury that they were overflowing. The gravestones were all askew and dirt-ridden, many more unmarked crosses overpopulating the area than those with names. The surrounding trees were decaying and brittle, the roots intertwining with the weeds and vines strewn all over.

“Do you want to help me find a open spot to bury the cat?” I asked Olivia, trying to hide the horror in my voice. Completely innocent and unaware of the scenery and what it means, she nodded excitedly, rushing off to find one. I called after her, suddenly afraid. “Wait, don’t run! You’ll fall!”

And fall she did.

I watched her foot get stuck in a particularly soft spot in the mud and her leg sank downwards. Unbalanced, she toppled over onto her back and I gasped in horror as a sharp twig stuck itself straight through her chest.

As if the pain hadn’t registered yet, Olivia blinked in shock, turning to me with a confused look on her face. “Uh...I think I’m hurt,” she coughed tearfully. I rushed over, abandoning the cat’s corpse to the side. Pulling her out, I took off my sweater to make a makeshift support around the object like I remembered in First Aid to keep it from moving. Cradling her in my arms, I screamed out into the empty hallways for help as Olivia fainted.

After some desperate attempts, David rushed down the hall with the girl who had used her glasses from the beginning of it all. “I figured it’s be helpful if I brought David. It looks like snakes don’t like to be around him.”

“Yeah, they seem to just run away from me whenever I walk towards them,” David affirmed, shrugging his shoulders.

“I figured he could protect you as you two find help for the girl.”

The last thing I remember afterwards is sitting in the hospital with a paling Olivia in my arms.

Additional Thoughts:

Oh my god this dream was so loaded that I’m surprised I remembered it all (although I did rush to record this the moment I woke up). Let’s go in order:

I’m not quite sure where the thought of aliens and UFOs came from but apparently they represent unfamiliarity and isolation in dealing with situations. Maybe the whole idea of being shipped to live on a dystopian island is about my feeling really alone these days when dealing with my stress and the insecurities I feel about myself.

The people that appeared in my dream don’t represent anyone in my life, so I’m not sure where they came from either. My suspicion is that they’re physical formations of what I want in my life: a young child that looks up to me and depends on me, a brother-like figure that I can depend on, and a love interest that deeply cares for me and my well-being.

The book I saw could mean my search for knowledge considering the only thing I’ve been doing these days is study for this test. And judging by the chapters in the book, I’m assuming its foretelling has to do with how this test is part of my future and it’s yet to be seen how it’s going to contribute.

I know the horse-shaped water is from what I’ve seen from Frozen 2 (lol) but the Pegasus is definitely new. What was interesting is that my dream me already met with this creature prior to this encounter. I know sometimes my separate dreams bleed into each other with the plot but I can’t remember ever dreaming about a Pegasus before...unless I have and just forgot. Either way, Pegasus apparently represents agility and swiftness, while a “talking horse” is supposed to represent a form of higher knowledge that is trying to convey some sort of message to me from my subconsciousness. Since the colour is supposed to represent something, I wonder if the fact that it was pink and required my blood to heal means something. Maybe it’s a part of me that I need to take care of more?

As for the darker half of my dream involving the snake and the cat’s death, the snake is supposed to mean a sense of fear and worry (which makes sense) and the symbol of a cat dying could represent a loss of individuality and lack of independence. With this combined together, I suppose this could, again, relay back to my test and my worries about it controlling my life and how I’m not able to do the things I want when it’s in my life. The blood everyone and my cries for help for Olivia are also symbols that apparently represent my emotional cry for help as I struggle. Watching her being impaled straight through the chest could mean a burst of emotion as well.

[benvoliio]

#squad, supernatural, and track and field in general! ufo and chess board for the gay aunts (idk who they are but I like them already). microscope for robo-mom (who I also already love), and contact and mixtape for the bad guy you don't have a name for yet!!!

THANK YOU I LOVE YOU alright buckle up kiddos this is gonna be a ride here we go

IN GENERAL

#squad: who's friends with who? what are the squad dynamics like?

okAY so for my main ocs the original #squad™️ is Eric, Marin, Jaden, and Kit! at the very beginning of my story each of them meets Christopher (who’s new in town) independently and decide that they simply Must be friends with this kid because everyone loves chris (i love chris). then they all figure out they met the same person and chris becomes part of their squad and also the fifth member of their band (that they desperately needed their band was average at best but now its Stellar) chirs & eric end up dating, and also marin and jaden end up in a poly relationship with someone from a slightly different social circle, Alexandria! kit doesnt end up with anyone romantically but theyre ok w that its cool

i have another, completely unrelated set of ocs that are part of a thing thats gonna be heavily inspired by r&j and that’s ben (bennie), charlie (charlotte), and jo (joanne)!! ben’s the mom friend (the human embodiment of the phrase “stressed out”), charlie has the stupid(ly fun albeit sometimes dangerous) ideas, jo is a total romantic with her head in the clouds (bet u cant guess who these three are based on lol)

spellbook: are any of your OC(s) supernatural? if so, what are they/what are their abilities?

uuh not really but i used to have a group of four ocs long abandoned that had elemental powers OH also i have an oc named peach who’s half human half weird avian creature alien idk and she has wings and telepathic powers as well as the ability to blast things w lightning-like energy and she also has a gf named jasper who belongs to @tycutiovevo​

track & field: which (if any) of your OCs are athletic? what sports to they play? which of your OCs would go HARD in P.E.?

jaden runs!! she was also on All The Teams back in middle school. alexandria is super strong and works out regularly and wears muscle tanks to show off her muscles. chris is below average at all sports excluding, for some reason, floor hockey.  bennie plays tennis to focus & relax and charlie used to be on the volleyball team until she got expelled lmao. the aunts are ex rescue agents sooo that requires some physical activity, Team Leader Winter is a current rescue agent (in kickass heels!!), the robomoms do a lot of flying but they’re robots so idk if that counts

THE GAY AUNTS™️

ufo: identity! what are some key identifying qualities or traits of your OC(s)? how to they identify in regards to gender/sexuality?

okAY! so The Aunts are how i refer to Eric’s adoptive moms, their names are Geneva and Manami and they’re an ex rescue agent couple who met through a rescue agency that goes and breaks kids out from sketchy underground organizations! both Eric and Jaden are kids they rescued and then adopted & they’re literally the best family ever i love them. the kids call them Neva and Nami instead of mom & mom lol UH ok identifying qualities.... Gene was recruited to the agency in france, speaks french english japanese and ancient greek (because why not), is a major math nerd and can hack into just about anything. she’s got big red hair that has a life of its own, warm dark brown skin and golden brown eyes and small scars across the bridge of her nose and the right side of her bottom lip. Nanami was recruited from japan, speaks japanese french, english, italian, chinese and korean. she’s an amazing mechanic and inventor and also loves to cook! she’s got black hair that she keeps a little shorter than your average pixie cut, dark brown eyes, a tiny tattoo of a rose just below her left eyebrow above her cheekbone, and she lost the lower half of her left leg in a particularly difficult rescue so she built herself a cool prosthetic leg, she also sometimes uses a sweet wheelchair she built that Geneva decked out with all sorts of awesome features!!! as for gender/sexuality: both of them identify as female and gay as hell also theyre in love and married

chess board: who is the most logical? or the schemer/planner?

honestly both of them are pretty logical, probably typically Manami comes up with a lot of good concepts and Geneva comes up with plans to make them work

ROBOMOM!!!

microscope: zoom in -- describe the little, insignificant details about an OC.

okay robomom is technically eric’s birth mother. i can explain that if you want but this is asking about insignificant details soooooo robomom is a robot specially designed and trained to nurture babies! she can fly! she became self aware and taught herself to speak using preprogrammed lullabies and “soothing responses”! she can also sing! despite belonging to the villains of my story she has Ultimate Faith in humanity and believes they are truly Good and i love her for it!!! robomom!!!

EVIL DUDE I DONT HAVE A NAME FOR

contact: how does your OC(s) feel about touch/physical contact? are they affectionate? if so, how do they display affection to others?

ohhh this is a good question for him thank you so he is seemingly just a somewhat important but also not the one In Charge member of the super terrible underground organization that is literally creating children in test tubes (Sketchy™️) but jokes on u he’s actually way worse than the person in charge of the whole thing. he is definitely not into touch unless it’s stabbing someone, literally just likes being cruel for the sake of being cruel, the only thing he feels anything resembling affection towards is his political goals and he will do anything to see them achieved including murder and torture. yeah. not a fun guy. (he stabs chris i hate him for that chris is sweet and has done nothing wrong)

mixtape: 5 songs that describe your OC(s) or songs they themselves would like.

Cold - Aqualung

bad_news - Bastille

Violence - The Unlikely Candidates

Two Evils - Bastille

My Way (MINOR KEY VERSION) - Frank Sinatra cover by Chase Holfelder 

[dailyjoke4u]

101 Ways To Annoy People (not counting this email)

101 Ways To Annoy People (not counting this email)

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.2. In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sensual massage.’3. Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go.’4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of ‘Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…’5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.7. Speak only in a ‘robot’ voice.8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will ‘swipe your grub.’10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.12. Sniffle incessantly.13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.14. Name your dog ‘Dog.’15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions ‘to keep them tuned up.’16. Reply to everything someone says with ‘that’s what YOU think.’17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your ‘astronaut training.’18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for ‘violating your airspace.’19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ‘real hoot.’20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.21. Practice making fax and modem noises.22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and ‘cc:’ them to your boss.23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a ‘spider person.’26. Finish all your sentences with the words ‘in accordance with prophesy.’27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.30. Disassemble your pen and ‘accidentally’ flip the ink cartridge across the room.31. Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ‘like it that way.’34. Drum on every available surface.35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.41. Set alarms for random times.42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a ‘croaking’ noise.45. Honk and wave to strangers.46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.48. Tape pieces of ‘Sweating to the Oldies’ over climactic parts of rental movies.49. Wear your pants backwards.50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.51. Begin all your sentences with ‘ooh la la!’ 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.53. only type in lowercase.54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.59. Write ‘X – BURIED TREASURE’ in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ‘Do you hear that?’ ‘What?’ ‘Never mind, it’s gone now.’62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.65. Demand that everyone address you as ‘Conquistador.’66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.67. When Christmas caroling, sing ‘Jingle Bells, Batman smells’ until physically restrained.68. Wear a cape that says ‘Magnificent One.’69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ‘no, wait, I messed it up,’ and repeat.73. Drive half a block.74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.75. Ask people what gender they are.76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off ‘in case the big one comes.’79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as ‘Feliz Navidad,’ the Archies’ ‘Sugar’ or the Mr.Rogers theme song.80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.83. Change your name to ‘John Aaaaasmith’ for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each ‘a.’84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.86. Wear a LOT of cologne.87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ‘superior mental processing.’88. Sing along at the opera.89. Mow your lawn with scissors.90. At a golf tournament, chant ‘swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!’ 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your ‘imaginary friend.’92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ‘psychological profiles.’94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ‘magic picture.’95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.96. Never make eye contact.97. Never break eye contact.98. Construct elaborate ‘crop circles’ in your front lawn.99. Construct your own pretend ‘tricorder,’ and ‘scan’ people with it, announcing the results.100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

from http://www.dailyjoke4u.com/101-ways-to-annoy-people-not-counting-this-email/