#and that any other smart person could have done it and that there's something inherently wrong with me which is why /i/ couldnt | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

diejager · 1 year ago

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Crow

Pairing: Monster TF 141 + Horangi & König x Eldritch horror!reader

Cw: blood, gore, canon-typical violence, injury, mutilation, tell me if I missed any. Wc: 1.9k

They hadn’t expected to have another specialist join them, none of them even knew what Price had in mind when he brought you in. You were normal in every way - as normal as a soldier could be - and unassuming under your dark clothes and gear. You smiled and waved when greeted, you took orders well and you spoke when spoken. You were like a ghost, there but also not there, invincible unless you made a sound or movement. Excluding all they saw in you, you were simply uncanny, with weird mannerisms and habits that made you seem inhuman - as inhuman as you could be to hybrids.

The only words Price had given them before you landed were: “They’re good at what they do, just don’t cause any trouble, understood?”

They were vague and as unassuming as you first seemed, like any warning for any person that could easily become annoyed or mad. Ghost certainly hadn’t put much thought into it as he should. Gaz had elbowed Soap in an attempt at reminding the werewolf to heed their captain’s words. Rudy and Alejandro wouldn’t have to worry, they knew and learned the limits of any man’s patience, smart and intuitive. Horangi was as weary as he would with any new addition, eyes narrowed in annoyance and curiosity. Unlike any of them, König hid any emotions from his stoic face, shoulders broad and back ramrod that emphasised his height and broadness, he couldn’t be sure if you would be easy to ignore or irritable.

Granted, they all had expectations for you since Price seemed so proud and confident when you first joined them, acting like a child given his dream, famished to have you by his side as professionals as possible. Yet here you were, normal looking, of average height and average weight, and simply there. Although there wasn’t anything inherently abnormal to you, the simple presence of your being made their hair stand on end. There wasn’t any reason to be so frightened or chilled about you, you hadn’t done anything deserving of such fear and suspicion, and Price trusted you with his life. If he trusted you, then the rest could, no? After all, dragons are the most protective of monsters.

As Price promised, you were good at what you did, never a flinch, never any hesitation, never a moment of weakness. You were too normal and good to be a human, especially not with the way corvids flocked to you. Ravens, crows, magpies and jackdaws followed you everywhere you went, simply standing or cawing around you as if you were a memener of their murder. Going to London would be dreadful with how many corvids called the British Isles their home, which - coincidentally - was where you lived.

All but Price had a hard time forming a bond with you, your eerie presence made it difficult to relax, and apparently, you knew it as well, since they had an equally difficult time finding you on the base. If you weren’t beating a sand-filled punching bag, you would be at the shooting range, and if you weren’t there, then you’d be somewhere on the roof of a structure, taking in the cool, stormy air of the UK with your bird friends.

You only smiled when they all blew up in cackles and jokes, never laughing with them or cracking your own jokes. Your voice never raised over a certain point, a murmur or a raspy growl. It was either human or inhuman to you. If Soap, Gaz and Rudy were having a hard time making you open up to them, then the rest would have an even harder time doing so. They were failing miserably.

That was until Soap caught an airy chuckle from you when he passed Price’s office, the older man having probably said something amusing to you which had you laughing. And as loud and rowdy the werewolf was, he couldn’t stop himself from telling the others, his excitement and enthusiasm bleeding into the rest. It had somehow made them more determined to bond with you, you were, after months of work, a permanent member of Task Force 141.

Unfortunately, the most they got were snorts and huffs, snorts from Ghost’s dark humour and huffs from Soap and Gaz’s poorly made-up jokes, theatrical performances of failures and defeat in the face of an unflinching and unusual being. Questions started piling up on Price’s desk, wanting to know if you were human, if you were a hybrid, if you were a monster, if you were even a living being seeing as you hadn’t taken a single breath or eaten (not that they’d seen you eat.).

“That’s classified, ” Price stopped their musing with two simple words. “Unless they tell you themselves, I don’t think it’s any of my business divulging that to anyone.”

Price’s secrecy and respect for you only sowed the seeds of curiosity and intrigue deeper. What had you hidden from them that was so classified that Price couldn’t tell them? Even Alejandro didn’t have the clearance to dive into your files - not that there were any. The question lingered in their minds, unanswered and famished for one: What were you?

Somehow they’d gotten separated from you, being caught under heavy fire from Russian ultranationalists and backed into a building with most exits blocked or surrounded by the enemy. They worried about you, being left to yourself in a situation like this one was dangerous for even the most skilled and wary soldier. Whereas they all had their backs, one watching for the other, you were alone. And whereas you had the possibility of using your powers of shifting - if you were a hybrid or monster, they still hadn’t found the answer to that question - they were in the confines of a restricted building, letting loose would either damage the already-damaged-building or become a danger to their own teammates.

Ghost’s fog was deadly. Soap could come under fire from them shooting. Gaz couldn’t fly freely in a tight place. Price’s fire could be devastating. Rudy couldn’t risk getting tired. Alejandro could be unknowingly shot by them. König was uncontrollable and unpredictable. Horangi was a danger to himself in the secret of darkness.

They were fucked, caught in a dire situation that could mean the end of them, but regret and panic wouldn’t be of any use to them, they had to concentrate and wait for backup.

“Backup from what, Price?!”

What could possibly reach them in time to support them? They were too far in for any help to arrive quickly enough. The closest naval ship was thousands of miles away, the closest ocean was hundreds of miles away and any military support even farther. What would they even be waiting for?

“Cap! We can’t-”

A scream shattered the skies, howls of pain and panic filling the once booming sound of foreign guns. The sound of bodies being broken and bones cracking brought their attention elsewhere. The Russians weren’t aiming at them anymore, shooting at something bigger and more dangerous than any of them. They were looking at a creature that picked them off one by one, the shadow of a monster covering the white snow. The fear in their eyes tainted the sky as their blood sullied the fresh snow, turning white into red and pink.

Whatever that was was dangerous. The ability to rip men apart and incite terror into well-trained and hardened soldiers was anything but amiable, safe and good. Their bodies were tense, muscles contracted to move at the flicker of movement from the monster outside the building. Their weapons aimed towards the entrance, fingers laying restlessly on the trigger and shoulder screwed with suspense as the screams and cries slowly died down to howling winds in the night.

Price raised a hand, holding them back from firing at the entity, they lowered their guns, following the captain as he walked towards the door. He hadn’t flinched or froze when clawed fingers gripped the wide opening, a giant, black hand cloaked with feathers. Another landed on the ground farther away, letting them see the blood staining the show, seeping from its fingers and dirty feathers. With a low rumble from the beast, it lowered its head to the doorway, where Price had stopped.

He smiled at the gigantic head of a crown, its black beak sharpened with pointed teeth, as black as its skin and feathers. An oval eye blinked at them, white as the snow and piercing as the cold. It sent chills down their spines, ready to jump away if it attacked, but Price patted the skin under its eye.

“Thank you,” Price spoke your name so reverently, thanking it - you - with a grateful smile and proud eyes.

That monster - it - was you, the unassuming, perfect and eerie human. You, who was always around corvids, were one yourself, albeit a gigantic, crooked version of a crow. You crooned at Price’s touch, soft and loving like he was. You moved away from the entrance and they left. It was as if they walked into another world, blood, bones and guts littered the ground, as if a cat had had its fun with something breakable. Ghost and König thrived in this scene, the blood and gore feeding them. Unlike the rest that either recoiled or stared off, preferring to look at your bird-like form than the ground.

In all your glory, you stood high and mightily, toppling over the trees by hundreds of metres. Covered head to toe in black skin and black, glistening feathers, you held your head high to look at the Russian field. Four horns curled over your head, sprouting from your crown and curling at the tip, they mimicked a crown of bone. Bones also grew from your back, the protrusion of your vertebrae growing along your back like a ridge, sharp and deadly, like the sharp-looking feathers that protected your back. If any of that were shocking then your second pair of wings would be frightening, an equally big pair of wings help support your weight on the ground, besides two legs, clawed perfectly to inflict lethal damage. And at the end of your back, a flared, serpentine tail with feathers curled upwards.

While Price acted with such ease and comfort around you, the rest simply couldn’t. If they were bothered by your presence before, now, after having shifted and showed your true skin, it grew tenfold, becoming unbearable and suffocating. You saw their discomfort, cooing at them before you shrunk, bone and feathers sinking back under your skin, your beak turning into the face they knew, but your white eyes remained. It was all knowing and powerful.

You were an Eldritch being, an all-knowing and powerful creature, perhaps one of the last horrors that lived. It made sense why Price was so trusting of you, believing you to be unable to betray them. Why he warned all of them to never stray into your hate and annoyance. Eldritch horrors, after all, were the strongest beings alive (if they could be called alive), old as aeons and unmoving by time. Dragons were second to them, the proud and respectable monsters knowing the worth of Eldritch creatures and respecting them.

Everything fell into place. It clicked, why everything was simply so. Perhaps, after knowing your secret, you’d open up to them, let them in your colossal and dark and unbeating heart.

Taglist: @saelkie @yeoldedumbslut

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radio-writes · 7 months ago

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These asks seemed similar to me so I thought I'd tackle them in one go.

What I think of Alastor The Radio Demon

I've never really done a character analysis before so I'm not sure how to go about it. Honestly, I had to rewrite this several times to trim it down.

I put little footnotes here and there for parts that I think ruined the flow of thought, and weren't essential but still figured were worth a mention. Corresponding footnotes can be found below the lower divider for any interested.

The way I see Alastor, and how I try to write him, is that he's smart—terrifyingly so—and emotional.

I mean we all know he's basically a textbook manipulator. He's charming, great at reading people, and brilliant enough to know exactly what to say and when to say it.

He's so gifted at charming people that a fair portion of the fandom's basically head over heels for him—despite the fact that based on what we've seen in the series, he's an objectively despicable person.

And he's so good at manipulating people that, again, a huge portion of the fandom thinks he actually sees the hotel gang as friends/family now. Hell—a lot of people even believed him when he said he cared for Charlie like a daughter.

Add his brains and his skill of wrapping people around his clawed finger, to his god-complex1 and selfishness, and what you'll see is that, on paper, he should absolutely be the big bad of the show.

Except...he currently isn't; and I don't think he will be although it would surely be fun to see how that would go.

Because as much as he is terrifyingly evil, he is also, extremely driven by his emotions.

I know it sounds like a bit of an ass-pull.

Alastor being emotional? The same demon that doesn't drop his smile even when having a whole mental breakdown? The same demon who doesn't bat an eye at a hotel patron dying?

Well, yes. Because there's more to feelings other than sadness and love and care.

There's anger, there's hope, there's desperation, there's pride, there's hate.

And I think Alastor is absolutely driven by these and more.

As said by the most darling, delightful, dangerous overlord over one side of the pentagram,

"words are cheap, but actions, they speak the truth."

As much as Alastor wants to think he's in control, we've seen his emotions come first before rational thinking.

His pride has absolutely taken over him. He thinks he's above it all, untouchable, unreachable. Because he's so clever, so strong, so charming, and it has more or less gotten him everything he's wanted.

But it's this pride of his that has also lead to his most glaring flaws.

Alastor's first instinct was to lower Lucifer in any way that he could—leverage whatever he did have that Lucifer didn't (height, a relationship with Charlie etc.). Because Al knew that Lucifer was inherently stronger than him, better than him—and he hated that.

His pride couldn't stand the blow, and that—along with feelings of irritation and likely insecurity— is what drove his actions for most of that episode; overtaking even his usually smart wits.2

But it's not just negative emotions.

If Alastor being a mama's boy is still canon, then even his relationships are steered by emotions too, whether he's aware of it or not.

His love for his mother influences his biases towards women. How he judges and approaches them miles more fairly than he does men.

Hell, his whole persona—the transatlantic accent, the radio theme, the over the top silly jokes, his laugh even!—all a by product of his passion for being a radio host.

But why does being emotional mean Alastor won't be the antagonist in the show, you ask?

Well because, being emotional is such a humane thing. It shows weakness, vulnerability. Something the show has often used as leeway to develop and redeem its characters.

While I don't think Alastor has the best intentions coming into the hotel—or even at the point of the season 1 finale really—I do think him being this emotional of a person shows that there is some chance of him genuinely growing fond of the gang, and then settling into the found family at some point in the future.

It may not be a conscious choice, it may take some pushing and pulling, it may take the whole run of the series, but Alastor is capable of caring. And when he feels something he feels it to a point past his own rational thinking.

Would love to see him try to betray the hotel though as some last minute attempt to maintain an evil persona.

Now this doesn't exactly mean I can see Alastor ascending into heaven not unless they drag him kicking and screaming.3 But I do think that in the end, he'll find some sort of other form of "redemption," one that he would actually like.

Perhaps it's coming to terms with the fact that he is mortal and that is okay and it doesn't mean he's any weaker or any lesser. And that even if it did, it shouldn't matter.

Honestly, I'd be more terrified of him once he's come to that point. The only weakness Alastor right now has—aside from whatever deal it is that he made—is his ego.

You could probably get away or manipulate him back if you struck at it, but once he's all done with hotel therapy time and has his emotions under control? That man's going to be unstoppable and I fear for all of hell.

Maybe Charlie should let him keep his issues after all?

1 I find Alastor's god-complex extremely ironic. Oh, he definitely has it. My best guess is that it stemmed from his serial killing days.

If the previous source saying that he killed on a weird moral code (not unlike Dexter) still holds water, then he probably saw himself as some god doing such good work for the people. Judging criminals and delivering punishment.

This whole, "I'm so strong and untouchable even amongst criminals" mentality of his was probably egged on when he got into Hell and he was able to take down big bad overlords with ease. That definitely fed his ego nicely.

Now I say I find it ironic because well, he thinks he's so above it all. So perfect and pristine—nothing like all those other sinners. He doesn't care for senseless killing or stealing jewelry or sex, no he's so much better than that, isn't he?

Well, the way I see it, he's really no different.

*cue angry radio noises*

He cares so much for all the material and outwardly things. Sure, it's not to brag or to be sexy, but you can't tell me that fucker isn't just as vain as say, someone like Velvette.

He'd probably freak if anyone caught him outside of his well tailored suits and impeccable posture.

To Alastor, image and public opinion must mean so much more than he's willing to admit.

And all that killing the bad guys, killing the criminals, killing the scum of the earth. Oh let's not pretend he does it out of any other reason aside from the fact that he loves it.

It's an act for power for him, not actually done to protect anybody.

And considering he eats most of his victims now, I'd say he's actually below your average criminal.

On sex—well, fine. He can have that one, I suppose.

But still, the irony that this man thinks he's so above your common everyday sinner is just hilarious to me, because he's exactly just like them.

2 I have seen people say that this is yet another one of Alastor's cleverly planned schemes. That he kept pushing only because he was confident Lucifer wouldn't smite someone Charlie cared about. Which, sure, I could see that being the case later on in their interactions.

But as an introduction? An opening line? When he didn't know Lucifer's temperament, and Lucifer didn't know how much Charlie valued/cared for Al?

No. I genuinely think, that this was purely a gamble on Alastor's part. A slip, a jab that he just had to make to save his own pride.

3 Personally, while I absolutely love all the angelic designs of Al, I really do not want him up in heaven unless it's for comedic purposes or he's grocery shopping for angel meat.

Dude was a serial killer. Granted, he killed criminals. But I've never been a fan of vigilante killings. I mean, who's to say the person he killed actually did the crime though? What if it had been someone who was actually innocent?

And even if they weren't, can you imagine if he killed your parent in your lifetime for say, stealing some bread to feed you? And you're just chilling in heaven and all of a sudden your parent's murderer is redeemed while your parent still rotted in Hell?

I would just start a riot right then and there, damnation be damned.

Besides, red suits Alastor best, anyway.

Tagging @cofeedaifuku because they were the only one out of the three that weren't on anon. Hope my fellow vien and the other anon find this answer anyway.

#vien answers #i have no idea if i did this correctly but I'm hoping I did #but tldr i think Alastor's a smartass with barely any control on his emotions and hes probably not going to heaven #oh and that he looks good in red #hazbin hotel #alastor #character analysis #i think?

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dogydayz · 2 years ago

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I think one of my favorite parts of the "autistic Shadow" headcanon is the fact that he's designed to be the Ultimate Lifeform. I don't mean this in an annoying, "autism is a superpower" dumb way (even if I do find my own autism to actually be quite helpful at times, the whole concept of calling it that is stupid and used to hurt people like us), I mean it in a "Shadow was genetically engineered to be an Ultimate Lifeform, he's designed to survive and be able to do things no one else can, yet he still struggles with something that could be classified as a disability in his daily life." I dont know if im wording it properly, but there's something about how he's still viewed as that Ultimate Lifeform despite dealing with something that many people would immediately label as a trait that makes someone "inherently" less capable of survival. I know that many folks struggle with autism in way more severe ways than I may (though much of me saying this is kinda me repressing and refusing to acknowledge that it IS still a disability for me, but still, i recognize others DO deal with more severe aspects than I do), however I really just dislike how autistic characters get labeled as inherently "unable" to live "right". He's a character whose whole thing is that he makes his own path for himself, he fights even if the world hates him, he doesn't back down and even when it looks like he is, he's just playing it smart. Even if he does have these struggles, he IS able to find a life for himself, he isn't held down by expectations or what people tell him he is. In fact, that's ANOTHER whole part of him as a character, that he breaks free from what others say he should be. Even if he were confirmed to be autistic, he wouldn't be "the autistic character". He'd still be himself, he'd be Shadow, they'd be confirming that he has certain struggles, but he'd still be /himself/.

His story wouldn't change, he wouldn't be bound by the chains of what people think an autistic character in media should look like, he wouldn't be "the character who's autistic" (as if they aren't all already autistic, but that's a whole different topic lol), he'd just be Shadow, and Shadow would just happen to be autistic.

Again, I may be wording this wrong and if i am PLEASE forgive me, I'm trying so hard to put my thoughts into words,,,

I think this is coming a bit from a place of me seeing Prime Sonic and thinking to myself "holy fucking shit he's got ADHD but it's not shown as all of him". Of course they havent truly confirmed Sonic to be ADHD but like, i think they probably did do it purposefully here, but maybe that's just me? I just see him do stuff and think "wow yeah, I've done that before! And I do it because i have ADHD! and he has some of my struggles!! But his friends still love him even if they're annoyed by him at times, and he still isn't a bad person even if he did fuck up! Any they handle it with nuance that real people experience in life!!"

And that's how I'd see autistic Shadow being handled. He already has a lotta the traits, but they don't confirm it being based on things like sensory overload or whatever, despite the fact that they really could. And even if they did, he'd be handled just as if it were another trait. It wouldn't be some defining attribute to him, him being autistic wouldn't be some selling point, there wouldn't be any "look! There's now an autistic character in this media!!".

But back to the main point.... Basically, him being autistic doesn't make him any less of the Ultimate Lifeform, and I think that's about the most extreme way to get across the point of "being autistic doesn't make you any less of a person or any less important". He was GENETICALLY ENGINEERED. Yet he still is autistic and it was decided "yep we succeeded in creating the Ultimate Lifeform!", so much so that the military wanted to use him as a WEAPON. Nothing about his potential disability made him any less of a success, or any less of a protector to Maria, or any less of a wonderful creation to Gerald, or any less of anything else to anyone he knows.

Something about that is just... a really nice idea to me. Maybe not for everyone, but to me that's inspiring as fuck, and reassuring to, to think about...

#sonic #sth #sonic headcanons #sorta #shadow the hedgehog #character rant #autism posting #autism rant #actually autistic #long post #text post #autistic shadow

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honeymouthedtales · 28 days ago

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Its archive anon again. I have a headache and a part of my research paper to submit to my supervisor by 8am. But iotol DH, that fool! Do you reckon his first time with minho made him go for all the fboys? Because it was more familiar? Have been people who could've given dh the softness he craved but he couldn't see it? Maybe even subconsciously ran from it coz the minho trainwreck carved a "rule" about sex and how others see him into his poor head?

Tbh i'm not sure I agree completely. I do agree there was a rule, but I don't think it was mh's fault. The rest of my answer will be hidden because it might contain spoilers, so open it at your own risk.

First, Mh was indeed a fuckboi but he wasn't one to dh - or better, he couldn't dare being a fuckboi to dh bc dh would've clapped him like he did with his friend at the karaoke room if mh had tried to treat him like shit. Dh has dealt with being an omega and what comes with it, the kind of treatment you receive, all his life, and yet he was a well-adjusted boy with normal friendships and relationships (mk hovering threateningly next to him might've helped). He would not take shit from anyone, and i'm talking shit like fucking him and then leaving him heartbroken. It was not something mh could've done to dh bc dh would never let him.

In fact, between us, I believe dh could've seduced mh. And I think he did, a little, but also he went to him with a fwb only application and dumped him after that one time they were together, so maybe dh was the fuckboi in this situation? Let's just say that they were two people that didn't want more than what they got through their arrangement, and even stayed friends afterward /because/ dh was sure of the terms of their r/s, and knew that he had no lingering feelings for mh except for maybe sadness bc he knew mh would've found a gf and lived a happy life while dh himself wasn't sure he could do the same. This said, dh could've totally had mh... if he had wanted him. But he didn't.

And I know in the fic it's clear he has convinced himself that no one wants him, he's undeserving of love bla bla bla, he mopes about that all the time, and that's the consequence of both general social conditioning and also some specific things that happened to him. But beyond his skewed world views, the truth is that he himself didn't want any of those people, he never cared for any of them. If he had wanted someone, like truly wanted them, i am 100% convinced he would be with them bc he's a good person, he's handsome, he's smart, being an omega makes him like inherently sexy. Like, he could totally seduced someone.

But he never even tried. Clearly he doesn't want those people. And he only ever goes for people he doesn't want. Like, i'm sure someone would've been happy to date him at some point, i'm sure gay alphas exist, but dh doesn't go for them, he doesn't go for people that could try to establish a connection with him or want to date him, but only for people who won't represent anything for him and wouldn't come back to look for him (younghoon was a mistake he regretted lol).

You might be able to connect the dots now. Idk how many people will read this reply and whether this counts as a spoiler, i think most readers won't read it anyway so it's safe to say it for those few who will. Dh will never like anyone but mk. This is how i envisioned the story since the beginning. He's never liked anyone but mk, he won't like anyone but mk. He doesn't even know it yet. Like, now maybe he's starting to catch up because they've met again, but all that time they were apart, he surely wasn't aware he liked mk, but he instinctively stayed away from potential r/s, and then conveniently blamed it on being unloved boohoo. Like, his low self-esteem is a real issue here, (and the way he got it might also partly be related to mk) but it makes him unable to see what lays underneath. That's the way I have envisioned dh's character since the beginning.

Iotol starts with mk thinking about a quote about destiny and being fated pairs, but in this verse there is no scientific way to prove anything like that exists. But if something like being fated to be with each other exists, I think iotol mh could be like that, with the only difference between them was that mk got his sexual awakening earlier and was aware of it, but dh presented away from mk and didn't have a chance to meet mk in person for over an year after his sexual awakening so he just floundered about unhappy like a lady at the supermarket that only wanted that specific brand of almond cookies but she can't find them so she just grab the most discounted no-brand packet of cookies bc she needs to eat even if she hates eating them.

#ask #fic: iotol

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queerprayers · 1 year ago

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i'd really like to compliment the thoughtfulness and generosity of thought and time on your blog, first of all. i spent a lot of time reading it today, and it resonated with me a lot. i was raised by two atheists who are smart people in many ways but live in the 'all organized religion is dum and evil' camp. i've had to unlearn their beliefs/fight them on antisemitism and islamophobia for most of my adolescence and adulthood. in terms of personal faith, i have firmly believed for a long time that 'there is no god' is an ontologically unprovable belief that i could never feel comfortable espousing, but i still never understood the purpose of organized or personal worship until the last month. it took me many years that get that god is not an authoritarian dad looking over your shoulder and criticizing you but can be something a great deal more unknowable and complicated and on-my-side than that.

but i was wondering: do you have any advice for someone balancing their curiosity about faith and their weird nostalgia about the Rituals of catholic school with their fears that a) they are wishy-washily turning to it just for kicks in a year when they've lost a lot, and shouldn't talk to anyone about it, b) they are just unconsciously emulating their partner, who is a queer catholic with a personal theology they admire. i have always found something religion-shaped in mountains and rivers and the sky and the love of other people, and that's never going to change. but the idea that i could or do want Something Else , and that christian beliefs resonate with me, is scaring me because of all of the identity fluctuations i've ever experienced, it's not one i've thought i'd ever see. it feels like a very scary thing to talk to people about in real life, even though the two closest people in my life would both have a lot to discuss with me about it.

Welcome, beloved! Thank you for your kind words! I pray this will resonate with you as well.

I'm proud of you for working to unlearn some of your parents' beliefs—I really respect people who recognize the harm religion has done, but you're right, you can't condemn it inherently without bigotry/racism. We all have to choose what belief/tradition to take with us, and I admire you so much for recognizing that you'd have to leave that behind. And I love your changing understanding of God—there are many gods I don't believe in, and an authoritarian dad looking over our shoulders to criticize us is one of them! Acknowledging the Mystery is such a beautiful thing.

Curiosity and nostalgia and ritual-seeking are factors that bring a lot of people to faith! Those aren't stupid reasons—they're parts of you that recognize something meaningful there, and want to explore it! Similarly, many people turn to faith when they're hurting. This has definitely been painted in a bad light, but to me it makes so much sense. It's so much easier to claim you understand the universe and everything's rational and knowable, when you're comfortable with where you are and confident in where you're going. Losing things brings a realization of our lack of control, our complete lack of knowledge in how everything works. Seeking more, seeking mystery when we are hurting is a completely reasonable response.

Seeking what we need, like comfort, in faith is not evil. We all need to be comforted, and believing in love is what many hurting people need. This doesn't mean religion is stupid—in fact, the fact that it seems to be the practice best equipped to help hurting people would point to it being one of the most valuable things of all! If a worldview can only accommodate people who are confident/in control/have everything they need, I don't think very much of it at all. (Of course I know there are many nonreligious worldviews that accommodate hurting people, and I respect them. I also know that there is organized religion that will take advantage of those who have lost things, and I condemn that wholeheartedly. Faith at its best, though, welcomes those hurting in a way I rarely see in other places.)

We don't want to create a faith practice that only serves us when we're hurting—but we should always carry our hurting with us as we find what we're looking for. Don't only hurt your way into faith—but bring the loss with you.

Whatever your reasons for being drawn to faith, even if you think they're bad reasons, are real reasons that can serve you. Wanting comfort/ritual is a completely natural response to the world, and finding what you need in practices that are designed for people wanting those things is the perfect reason to come to them!

Many people convert to their partner's religion—obviously there's lots of historical/cultural reasons for this, and in some cases it is out of pressure or because that's just what you do—but it's not crazy and doesn't inherently mean you lack autonomy. Getting to know someone deeply involves learning what they value and how they see things. Loving someone completely means loving those practices and perspectives. I think interfaith relationships are perfectly possible and healthy, but I can't imagine a relationship with someone of a different faith/worldview if I did not love theirs and they loved mine—I have trouble with friendships where that love is not present!

You admiring and caring about your partner and their faith has included listening to and learning about their faith, and seeing how they live it out—it makes complete sense that this draws you to this or similar faiths! You were brought up thinking that this is dumb and evil, and now you're in a relationship with someone who identifies with and practices a faith. Often people don't truly understand religion until they're exposed to someone who has it as part of them.

This is all to say that valuing a practice more because someone you love practices it is, of course, subjective and biased, and it is also beautiful and holy. Every faith is subjective and biased. I am Christian partially because my parents are Christian—because I was brought up in this faith, and it is my home. If you are connecting with something because it's something that's a part of your life (catholic school and now a catholic partner)—that's kind of how connection works? I don't know if that counts as "unconsciously emulating" but like, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with connecting to something so much, seeing it all around you, that you're drawn to it? (My favorite movies consist solely of movies I have seen, and they're all ones I watched at a point in my life when they were meaningful to me. These aren't stupid reasons to like a movie—they're the only reasons to like a movie.)

Honestly if a faith is not something that comforts you, not something that you're drawn to when you experience loss, not something that satisfies desires for ritual, not something that holds your childhood self close but also reflects your changing worldviews, not something that is a part of your life and that you've seen lived out in beautiful ways, I would actually advise against becoming a part of it! I would list these things as essential reasons! It doesn't mean you have to, but it means you have good reasons. This doesn't sound just for kicks—you're thinking about this a lot, and reaching out to someone for advice, and taking it seriously. And many faith changes happen kind of suddenly, anyway—this doesn't sound sudden, but if it was, there are many beautiful examples of people all at once realizing what they're meant for.

"Religion-shaped" is a great phrase! Whether or not you find your way to a specific practice, knowing that you have those connections and appreciations is beautiful and valuable. However your identity changes, whatever practices find their way into your life, you have mountains and rivers and sky and love. You have God, in whatever ways you learn to find Them.

It's acknowledge it's scary to find your way to something your younger self would never have guessed! We surprise ourselves sometimes, and it's terrifying! But I give you permission to be scared and to surprise yourself. To honor who you'd thought you'd be and to change. We know we can't see the future, but we still find ourselves arriving in a future we didn't see and being surprised about it. This change—let it break down more walls. This mystery that's always with you—welcome it as you unlearn and relearn.

Know that you can always change again. That opening up to people about something you might want doesn't mean you always have to want it. That beginning a practice is not a promise to always practice it. That breaking down walls doesn't mean you can never rebuild them, and saying a truth doesn't set it in stone.

It's so often easier to open up to people we don't have a personal relationship with! I'm so grateful that what I write resonates with you, but (sorry) we still don't actually know each other, and you also have the space to be anonymous—that's probably really nice for you right now! Me and most of the queer people I know came out to random people on the internet before people in real life—inherently because we cared about/knew them less. Those we care about most can be the scariest to open up to, because we have the most riding on their response. Of course I encourage you to tell them at least some of what you've told me—it sounds like they'd love to hear about it and would accept these changing parts of you. Don't wait till you have it all figured out to share it—that won't really ever happen, and I'm guessing you'll regret not letting in as you figure it out. But give yourself grace, honor your privacy and time. They're there when you're ready.

It's scary to change, it's scary to question our worldviews, it's scary to admit our vulnerabilities and our need for something greater than ourselves, it's scary that people might think you have bad reasons for your beliefs/choices. But the people that you love you want your fear too. They know you'll change—everyone does. If they only loved you if you stayed static, if you only made logical unbiased decisions, if your circumstances didn't affect what you value—that's not loving a person. It sounds like you trust them and know that they would welcome these questions and want to talk about them. Go to the mountains and the rivers and the sky and go to them, the love of other people. That's where God will be—with you already, walking with you on the road, and there waiting for you. (There's a trinity right there!) Mystery and paradox and comfort and ritual and the simplest and most terrifying thing in the world.

I'm in your corner. I don't know the road ahead of you but I know you have so much beautiful time. I can't see the future but I know it will surprise you. God be with your going out and your coming in, from this time forth forevermore. May your ways be safe and your homecomings joyful. Now we know in part, but someday we will know fully, even as we are fully known, face to face.

<3 Johanna

#asks

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magnoliamyrrh · 1 year ago

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i find the whole conversation around self-dxing to be interesting too because while self-dxing can indeed be dangerous and bad, on the other hand i am also quite anti-psychiatry, if youve got something youve obviously got it without a diagnosis, and getting a diagnosis can be hard af

like idk i think way too many ppl push this "go get therapy go get professional help and evaluation!!!" thing all the time. as if many therapists and psychs arent stupid af, as if they cant be wrong, as if they cant further traumatize someone, as if they can't be smart and kind ppl but Still get things wrong. and as if the entire psych system for the most part isnt fucked in manyyy ways...... like... yea, if you can and find a good one go i guess depending on circumstance... but you better take everything they say with a grain of salt too, wtf

.... yes teenagers and in general young ppl self diagnoing themselves with 2000 things is harmful. they may be doing it either for attention, because its cool and trendy, bc theyve actually got histrionic or mauchausens, bc theyre pathologizing normal human reactions, or bc theyve not done enough actual research and went off of articles which explain things in such a way that frankly most humans would relate. or they may confuse disorders among each other, or they may not be pragmatic enough abt it. yes this is a huge issue. weve got 20000 teenagers and young adults and even some adults running around saying theyve got turrets or did or autism or bpd or ocd or whatever the hell is trendy. psych wards for symptoms and conditions (which are themselves often imperfect) have been watered down to an extreme and are thrown around. therapy talk is being used to make excuses for behavior which should not be excused

...... at the same time. yea self diagnosis isnt inherently harmful all the time. the ppl who say otherwise and are 2000% certain only docs can tell u shit arent skeptical enough of docs. with some things its obvious. i didnt need any doctor to tell me i had anorexia nervosa or bulimia lmaoooo that shit was obvious and clear as day. i didnt need to be told i had bpd, i caught on at a young age i had it, and bc i neither could go to therapy nor wanted to, i spend years understanding that disorder on every which side and way and recovering from it myself. it saved my life. i dont even wanna know how bad things would have been if i didnt accept i had that and understood it - and yea, i didnt need no doctor to tell me to know. and low and behold, docs agree i used to have bpd, still hsve some symptoms, but have mostly recovered from it. funnily enough i caught onto having some sort of osdd/did years ago, than denied it completely to myself for years, than i couldnt ignore it and deny it anymore. ended up getting a diagnosis for that too. :/ i figured i had adhd for years on end but docs either thought it was something else or i wouldn't bring it up much. low and behold i have a diagnosis and the high doses of adhd meds i can handle without feeling st all "drugged out" are proof that i do actually have adhd

if anything lmaoo i have personal experience with having a crazy psych. a woman who mistook cptsd&osdd/did for bipolar disorder, gave me drugs literally illegally which ate at my body and told me not to tell anyone, and also yelled at me that i was crazy. had a therapist who thinks being molested makes ppl homosexual and that step-parent sexual attraction is normal on some level.....;;;; like;;;;;;..... yea. the psychs and therapists arent some sort of final say people. they can be crazy and they can be wrong

and the idea that Inherently someone with bpd, or did/osdd or whatever else Cant Know of their disorder before being told (tho the latter was actually suggested to me many yrs ago by someone) is just. wrong and harmful frankly. yea in some cases pls dont know, or theyre in extreme denial (like with anorexia). but not with all. not with all. 👀 my psychs found it surprising how self aware i was, impressive, but they did not think this was some sort of disqualification

idk. yea. like. theres definetely issues around self-dex especially in the hell were living today but acting like its Always Inherently Bad and Will Never Help and docs are some sort of authority who are the only ones with some say... ,,,, yeaaaa. no. that's also dangerous

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brw · 2 years ago

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I've noticed the difference in how Hank acts around Simon too. I've always headcanon'd that Hank feels more at ease and relaxed around Simon. Simon probably reminds Hank of his childhood, and is something of a personal 'what if' for him. Simon, to him, is basically a look at what Hank could've been if he became a lazy, easygoing slacker instead of an emotionally detached scientist, and he knows he would've been happier, even if not as smart. He brings out his long repressed emotions. I think that vulnerability scares Hank on some level, but he does deeply care for him. Hank's devotion to the X-Men is, ultimately, more of a toxic one and keeps him further and further detached from humanity. Simon brings out the inherent human nature inside of him. Although Hank is probably still a bit insecure about finding him attractive, if he admitted it and pursued it, he probably wouldn't be so messed up these days. But Hank is still too stubborn and proud to admit any of it right now.

Oooh, yeah, I think that's a good point. I do think definitely Simon reminds Hank of himself a little, at least initially; while the Avengers were a good place for Hank to be, he did feel like an outcast still; everyone else had established relationships and knew each other really well, and of course aside from Vision he's the only visibly nonhuman. And the Avengers like him, but I think it's fair to say they don't do that much to make him feel as welcomed as they could have done. So when Simon comes back, and has no idea what's going on or who anyone is I think Hank is incredibly sympathetic to him but also, selfishly, is excited to build his own relationship with someone who isn't part of another half, the way Vision and Wanda or Janet and Hank or Steve and Tony were parts of a half.

And like, to be fair, he learns an awful lot about Simon in a very short period of time; Avengers #160 is like a week after he joins the team so Hank learns very shortly that Simon had an abusive situation with his elder brother, that his body has changed in a massive way that he doesn't understand and that's scary, and that he's incredibly uncertain of his own relationship to the rest of the team. There's a lot there that Hank can not only see himself in re: your body changing suddenly and rapidly and not knowing how to adapt to it, and uncertainty of your place. But also he learns very soon on that Simon's had a bit of a hard childhood and to this day we have so little information of what Simon did in his childhood that I think it's very likely he just never really had friends, so obviously Simon needs a friend and I think that, being able to play the part of the savvy, cultured friend helping Simon experience the world he was always too busy studying to look at is really good for Hank. It lets him build his own identity on the Avengers and as a result I think Simon really symbolises that era of his life, when he was happier and more carefree and didn't have to justify to himself having a good time when people were in danger.

And yes absolutely the X-Men are something regressive for Hank that really isn't healthy for him. Because it's not good when you're only a part of a team because you feel indebted to an aspect of your identity you actively resent some days, when your girlfriend breaks up with you for changing and you have to relearn everything with paws instead of hands, etc. The X-Men face so much hatred and bigotry and I think that makes Hank's sense of identity with his own mutanthood more confused, because so much of it is defined by oppression and giant genocidal robots and stuff when you're on that team, vs the Avengers where anti-mutant racism is still a thing but there's a lot of other stuff going on too.

Plus, I think a problem with it too is that a lot of X-Men, by virtue of being a minority group and being leaders of a minority group, have a "the ends justify the means" mentality. Charles will meddle in people's minds when necessary, as will Jean and Emma. Scott was very willing to do questionable acts during the Utopia era to ensure survival. Logan will kill people if it means mutants survive, etc etc. And I don't think any of those people would go as far as current era Hank has but I do think it's not a mistake that around the X-Men his own sense of morality slips. Because when you're facing genocide every two years, it makes sense that you would do anything you could to prevent it. And I think that's what happened to Hank, where he's really internalised the lesson that anything is justifyable if it ensures survival. And he's lost his own sense of what he personally will and won't do, because he's no longer an individual with the X-Men, but part of a collective and willing to do anything to perserve that collective.

Ultimately what Hank really needs is a moral compass. And Simon, who as I said was abused as a child and in turn acted abusive to Vision in the past, has a very strong understanding of what people are capable of but also knows through Eric and himself that people can choose what kind of person they are. And modern day Simon especially is very careful to choose the best option, to not allow himself to be part of a cycle of violence that took his childhood from him, and in turn I do think that's genuinely inspirational to Hank. I keep mentioning it, but Uncanny Avengers v3 #28 is still like, probably the best thing Hank's been in modern days and I'm barely joking.

Like, Hank is aware of his own flaws but he doesn't exactly like to be harshly confronted with them, which is much more what happens in Uncanny X-Men 600, and he reacts in a much more upset way rather than what happens in Uncanny Avengers.

I just feel very strongly the text of these comics really ends up being that the Avengers are in every way a better place for Hank. He's more confident, he doesn't feel the need to try as hard, he's more morally astute, he's a good friend and he is willing to reach out to people and admit his own short comings with them. But on the X-Men, because he's giving so much of himself to them he reacts angrily and defensively when they rightfully call out his flaws. It's just a bad place for him to be in and it really is the Avengers and further more, Simon, where Hank is his best self.

Anyway, that last part, yeah if Hank could just like... idk learn what bisexuality was and come to terms with that part of himself more he'd be better off for it (not least because Marvel is too scared to let a queer character be evil these days it seems Sinister doesn't count). Unfortunately again, the X-Men are just a bad place for Hank so that is never happening there!

#asks #anonymous #thank u for this anon i love being indulged to be insane abt. furries.#hank mccoy #beast #ch: oh my stars and garters!

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purrincess-chat · 2 years ago

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I must admit that the idea of prpr is so deeply ingrained in the fandom culture that it's hard to give up on it. I saw lots of old fanarts of Adrienette, and they all are supposed to be post-reveal. I remember reading a reddit post saying that Adrienette basically cannot happen pre-reveal. Even when S5 has started airing, fans speculated that if they dated pre-reveal, there wouldn't be more than one date, and then they would inevitably break up. I think those who are upset about pre-reveal Adrienette, are mostly upset about the fact that they couldn't foresee that.

I've talked about this a little before, but fandom is a double edged sword. It's perfectly fine to speculate about what you think is going to happen or to come up with headcanons or AUs or silly ideas that are fun, but that's all they are. Speculation and fun. You have to draw a line between canon and fanon and also recognize that all of these analysis posts (even mine) while they may sound smart and true, we are all operating off of limited information, and therefore none of our takes are 100% accurate. People get stuff wrong all the time because new episodes come out that completely change the game. The analysis I wrote yesterday could be completely uprooted by a single episode if canon so decided. That's why I tell people to take everything you read in fandom with a grain of salt. Because even the "smartest" and most well thought out takes can be wrong because we don't have all of the episodes. I'm not an authority on this show by any means, nor is any other fan. Even the fans that got hired by Zag aren't privy to every single detail about the show. They know what they're told, and even then, stuff can change last minute. It's fine to speculate about what we think is going to happen, but if we're wrong, that's not canon's fault.

And look, prpr is a fun idea in fanon, but I never foresaw it being canon. Look at the what if episodes, those two jumped immediately to being a couple, so I never had a reason to think the actual reveal would be any different. The thing about building up these fanon ideas in your head is it sets an unrealistic expectation for canon, and you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You have to separate the two. Keep fanon in fandom, and let canon tell the story it intends to. Because the thing is, we aren't the ones in the writing room. We don't know all of their plans or what things need to happen in order for the plot to work. We can speculate all day long based on the little clues we have, but canon can still throw a curve ball. I mean, after the s4 finale, did we expect to get reverse love square and canon Adrinette midway through s5? Clearly not 😂 But here we are. Canon is going to do what canon is going to do whether we like it or not. It's fine to not particularly like some decisions canon makes, everyone has preferences, but to say canon is ruined or bad or should have done some popular fan idea instead is not only entitled behavior it's also childish lol. Canon is ruined for you. And that's fine. But it doesn't mean canon is inherently bad just because you didn't care for the direction it's going in. A lot of people would do well to remember they are one person, and no one is making them watch. If they don't like canon anymore, don't watch it anymore. 🤷‍♀️ As some have pointed out, there are tons of shows that do high school romance better, so go watch one of those.

Idk, I think people are crossing too many lines and blurring fanon with canon. Fan ideas are meant to be fun for fans, not to influence and predict canon. If something makes it into the show or we guess something correctly, great, but that's not guaranteed or owed to us. There also isn't a rule that says if canon contradicts your fan idea that you have to stop doing it in fandom? Fans can still write, draw, and make headcanons for prpr or romantic LadyNoir if they want, but like it or not, Adrinette is still canon, yall. Even all the way up to episode 20, and I doubt it's going to change in the last few episodes. Get used to it. Or go watch something else idc 🤷‍♀️

#cat replies #asks #ml spoilers #s5 discourse

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iarshiastuff · 2 years ago

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All in my head

Sometimes i remind myself that life isn't so black and white, as much being analytical in grey be my most comfort zone, i can't help but have feelings which aren't so logical. No i don't do this to impress others who are a tad too emotional?, they are usually discourse poisoned and shallow so i have come to despise them the most. Which is why i wish i didn't have something somewhat common to them, but oh well can't help it la la 🎵 we're all human afterall. If humanity were aware of their every action and look at themselves exactly as they are without any alterations, it wouldn't take long to realize that nothing is obsolute, it's all a silent room where they fill it with their own noise and pretend it came from anywhere but themselves. Nothing is except the way nature intended to be. So many fights, belitteling and shaming done to someone because people think they have the right reasons, but truth is, there are no reasons to be an energy sucking vampire. Perhaps i could look at nature and think that i should not become so worse to someone unless i keep myself protected from them. I realize, i may have forgotten, legit, how most of humankind can be, so i keep looking at my screen and feel disgust at tons of people who i do not know, because the things they say just don't eve feel fake, but fake in a mean spirited way toppled with "i am a good moral person who is making the world a better place", it feels like they are a control freak mostly. But i just wonder "This isn't my world right? Please tell me the world outside the screen is anything but like the screen" the answer may be debatable, but i can give a sigh of relief when i realize that its still not the same. I never knew how sick these people- no, specific-traits-layered-upto-one-trait makes me feel. But humanity isn't ready to embrace its both sides isn't it, you wanna show one side, you show one side, but pretending to be an angel does hurt. No one is inherently a devil either, but we will tear those down who hurt us, as if we are hurting the devil himself. I don't think humans should think they are near to the standards of both A&Ds. I realize, i may have been a peculiar person my whole life, and i am actually proud of it. Yes, from being a smart precocious preteen making philosophies in my room and who could make the older ladies jealous if i wasn't so sheltered; to a teen who can immersely experience the world- different perspectives and being a jewellery ethusiast who can withstand storms - i own all of it, i have experienced being myself in my shoes and and i from the bottom of my heart sincerely do not care to soothe you if this is too much for you. I am not heartless, i very much have the ability to feel sadness (yes, not faking it) for even something which you would least expect me to feel sad for given the way i am. My driver may be abducting people and i wouldn't know, but i'd still treat him with general courtesy. Mom used to warn me and got it clear in my head not to trust a stranger on street, i would look at an evil looking man and think maybe he could kill me, but i minded my business. If something which isn't my business does not sit right with me, i will express my feelings as well as keeping in mind that i cannot control said person, and no poisonous energy will be fed to such person.

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lorddeathofmurdermountain · 5 months ago

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The original sarcastic remark is strange to me. As a child I was always taught to be super careful on the internet - my parents would even scare me with stuff like if I tell strangers where I live, a white van could show up and they could snatch me away. Most of the time I didn't even communicate with strangers, and if I did I pretended, to the best of my ability, to be an adult, or at least older - not just because it made things easier and made me feel better, but it also made me safer as an added benefit. Today some people my age and even older don't seem to understand this, though, and give unlimited access to the internet to their very young children, and then are shocked when said unsupervised kids see awful, horrifying things, or are just misinformed.

Bring back the era of one community PC per house, that's in the living room where the kids can be monitored with ease, please. None of this tablet or smart phone bullshit. I get that today kids have an awful little to do outside due to hostile urban planning (well, depending on where you live), but sticking a tablet in their hands and sending them off so you don't have to actually be a parent is an awful thing to do and should constitute child abuse - it's no different than your kid growing up on the streets, they CAN grow up into fine or at least law-abiding people, but that's not quite that likely. In fact, depending on where you live, the internet can be way worse than the streets.

I'm looking at you, lazy rich parents. You're bastards. My dad at one time worked two jobs and my mom often worked double shifts and both would take as much time as they physically could to raise me and my sister to the best of their capabilities. Even when they were angry or sad, even if they made mistakes they made sure to be as fair and good as they could manage. Sure, they made mistakes, sometimes ones they couldn't even just apologize for to make right, but they did their absolute best and for that they can't be anything but the best parents in the world, despite any misgivings I may have had, or still have.

Parents who don't do their best shouldn't be parents at all. Parents who only have kids because they think it's an obligation for married couples shouldn't be parents. If you feel anything less than pure adoration and love for your child, your ass should have the kid taken away, along with half of your paycheck to help whomever has to bring your kid up for you, you worthless pieces of trash. I've had friends who clawed their way out of such neglectful families and made something of themselves, and I know for a fact I probably couldn't have managed it myself. I've even had the displeasure to meet a truly awful kid who through no fault of his own, was raised awfully and turned out to be a real piece of work that even government mandated child care workers seem to wince at having to work with - I've personally seen him attack grownups physically, lie in such ways that could get you involved with the police and I've even witnessed him suck up to people who he can manipulate, after already behaving badly.

The parents, I feel, aren't BAD people, per se, but they're entirely unsuited for even being married to each other, much less taking care of a kid. In fact, the stuff I vaguely said about this kid doesn't even approach showing how awful he can be, but it still took years for CPS to take him away, and even then he spends like half a year in intervals with his parents ANYWAY.

Let me put this in a simple and short way for the people in the back. Parents who don't put their everything into raising their kid(s) well shouldn't be parents at all!

I'm done watching adults ruin their children and I'm disgusted any time I hear a nurture vs nature argument, knowing full well someone, somewhere is using it as an excuse for their poor parenting. I do believe people have inherent natures, but with good parents it can be overcome. Similarly, good kids can turn bad with bad parenting - in fact, it's something I've observed, that parents stop parenting well if the kid is "mature" and "responsible", which inevitably turns out worse for the kid, too. But enough of that, I've been yapping enough as is. Not like anyone is gonna read this.

totally normal and not deranged thing to say

#ramblings of a madman

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creepycrawliesinyourwalls · 3 months ago

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rambling; online diary

i truely believe i can do heroin and not be addicted. i've been on dilaudid before, ive gotten high off my ass on weed, i took some vyvanse to see how itd go, and ultimately it was boring. being high is kinda boring. i complain about not having my cart, sure. but being so fr rn i do it for show. no one would ever believe me in a million years, but it is genuinely for show.

i have a hard time defining myself as a person, given the disorders i have. anything and everything that i could add to myself to humanize myself is a positive, never a negative. humanity is by definition flawed and faulty, if i have a flaw im more easily humanized.

im also incapable of being perfect, though if i wasn't abused to the point of my brain never fully forming a cohesive personality, i'm sure id be a prodigy. if my brain genetically disabled, i'd be top of my class, 4.0 gpa with honors.

with dissociative identity disorder, autism, adhd, bipolar 1, ptsd, clinical depression, arfid, and probably some sort of personality disorder, its hard to care about anything at all. these are only the mental and neurological disorders and defects, too.

inherently i was given the worst hand i could have gotten in birth. my potential is wasted, trapped inside this failure of a body. i could have been so much more. my face is somewhat conventionally attractive, so theres a win.

im confident that without my memory issues, joint pain, and depression i could be a full blown doctor. i have to settle for marketing, because my gpa currently is too low to get into engineering. i wanted to do mathematics for awhile to get into finance or something. i wanted to do geology bc my special interest is rocks, but i don't want to work for an oil company.

if i am not constantly improving with my life in any aspects, if i am stagnant for a stretch of time, i consider it a failure.

i do not have a personality, at least nothing coherent and consistent. some people say im loud, some say im shy. sweet, mean, smart, dumb, its all contradictory traits.

i consider myself better then most of the people i choose to be friends with. a good lot of them (danny, chloe, viktor) will probably never go to college. kaden might go, but im sure she'd just party the whole time. alix is maybe the only one who i'd even consider on my level, since he's aiming for law and finds debates enjoyable. he has the drive and determination to do well in life, and is at the very least takes steps to get where he wanted to get.

chloe wanted to get into medicine and be a doctor. she is chronically disabled and was failing half of he classes. from disabled to disabled person, there is no way in hell you are making it that far. id be surprised if she made it past 25, honestly. she viewed mental hospitals as a vacation, even excluding the morals on that view, its incorrect. she believed she wasn't addicted to her medication, and that it actually helped her. she never even tried.

i am beginning to become fond of alix, though. i hope my headmates realize how much better his is compared to others. taylor and vee are already fond of him, which is a good sign.

we seem to be improving our depression symptoms and dissociative amnesia, and we joined a cbt program to further along process after being voluntarily admitted to a psychiatric facility. (yes, we did ask to go. we were going to kill ourselves as soon as we were alone, we needed immediate help.) i want to work on breaking down our gatekeepers resolve, and get us to a place where we can work on final fusion. i would also like to address our npd traits, but our therapist wouldnt believe us, so ill have to work on that myself.

we haven't been practicing our religion as much as we used too, its kind of sad. we send a prayer up to apollo occasionally, and he usually answers. but otherwise we havent done any spell work. its sucks to admit it, and god to i want to delete this paragraph but i need to work on vulnerability to create and foster friendships that are mutually beneficial.

ive never seen the point of online friends, i think the concept is pointless. i've tried doing it, and everytime we ended up ghosting them. the effort did not match the spoils. if im going to have friends, i need them to invest in me before i invest in them. it can be materially, emotionally, or physically. as long as i gain benefits, you will too.

#rereading this realizing hey! look into npd you little bitch!#idk who i am.#she/it #dissociative identity disorder #online diary #did system #actually autistic

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xaracosmia · 1 year ago

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ꕥ — WELCOME TO NEFE COSMIA, HELLA. 🌓

ꕥ — OOC INFORMATION;

name / alias: clara age: 31 pronouns: any pronouns ooc contact: blackring004 @ twt and malvosia @ tumblr other characters in xc: maki zenin (jjk), zoya (ptn) & c.c. (cg)

ꕥ — IC INFORMATION;

name: hella age: 17 pronouns: she / her series: path to nowhere canon point: after chapter 13 app triggers: child abuse, human experimentation and persecution.

personality:

hella is the perfect reflection of the fractured world she was born into; all sharp edges and a rough exterior, with colorful language to match her fierce demeanor. having experienced the weaponizations of misplaced trust in the past, hella is immediately skeptical of people's intentions, and won't hesitate to hit first and ask questions later if she feels threatened.

while emotionally immature and easy to provoke, hella has a great sense of justice and a soft spot for those who can't fend for themselves—a knee-jerk reaction directly tied to how she was treated by those who she trusted, making any excuses to deliver judgment herself, so long as it's an achievement within her scope of abilities.

when not immersed in her anger, hella can be an extremely charismatic person who can and will weaponize her personality in order to escape situations… specially the ones she's created herself. it works, for the most part.

something your muse struggles with: self-worth. hella was betrayed, abandoned and mistreated by a lot of people she thought she could trust, resulting in a fragile sense of self-worth which more than often can make her come across as insecure and seek approval from others.

your muse’s greatest strength: loyalty. while not a particularly courageous individual, once she's placed her trust in you, there's little to be done to change her mind. loyalty has put her in situations she would never voluntarily go to out of her own volition, but will not think twice to leap into action even when she's scared out of her mind.

history / background:

born into the violent and corruption-filled world of syndicate, in no time did hella find herself joining the ever-growing sea of orphaned children. weak in constitution and vulnerable in power, hella was smart enough to figure out her survival depended on others more than herself. too young to know any better, she joins the first group willing to take her in, and hella eagerly joined the first group that extended a welcoming hand, but she soon found herself bearing the blame for their actions on numerous occasions, amassing a rapid succession of criminal records.

when researchers scoured the streets of syndicate in search of test subjects, hella's group dealt the final blow to her trust, callously selling her to them in exchange for beer money. she was experimented on relentlessly, day and night, the gruesome specifics of which hella consciously avoids recalling to this very day. one day, however, her body inexplicably began to heal from all the torment. a success, the researchers would think, even though it was unclear whether they had created a sinner, or if she became one through the sheer agony of their protocol.

this newfound power didn't buy her freedom for a long time, and she was forced to fight others like her and endured further testing until pain would finally, and mercifully, render her unconscious each day. it was within another the laboratory's labelled "monsters" that hella found a rare source of trust.

that "monster" had never seen the sun before, only having known the laboratory her entire life, hella made a promise to change that. though those hands were the same that maimed hella in battle countless times, they were the ones she held onto when they finally escaped, becoming inseparable for years to come.

powers / abilities:

n/a! while she's a sinner, she doesn't have any notable abilities listed in her lengthy criminal records within the bureau.

inherent abilities:

sinner physiology — in general, being a sinner gives them an upper hand in a lot of areas where humans lack.

enhanced strength — being a sinner under the violence libram, she's got more strength than her tiny frame lets on. while not as strong as other sinners, she's definitely stronger than a human.

accelerated healing — not particularly notable when compared to that of other sinners; just enough to make her self-sustainable in dire situations.

items / weapons:

water pipe — just a regular ol' water pipe, nothing special to it. she likes to swing it around and break people's kneecaps with it.

starting ability: n/a

starting item: water pipe

extra:

she's committed 26 thefts, 35 scams and 5 kidnappings. that's her criminal record, do with that information what you will.

illiterate and self-conscious about it. please be nice to her.

"baby princess sweetie honey angel biting me so hard cutiepie honeybun breaking my kneecaps" — chief.

discord id: street.justice

#xc application #mun: clara #nefe cosmia

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deanon · 2 months ago

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sighs and reblogs because I’ve had to talk to my conservative dad about this and I have a little insight into how, specifically, Fox News works as effective propaganda here.

the easiest way to put it is: a lot of men on the right would love to have gotten rich off selfish scams, and are just mad they weren’t smart and advantaged enough to pull it off.

Being in power and privilege often feels like an insecure position, and white men can feel this insecurity very viscerally. Exerting power constantly and indiscriminately is the cheap and easy way to hang onto it. Trump is a manifestation of all the unearned bullshit power that inherited wealth and race offer, and that is the appeal. A black person, a woman, or any minority could never have pulled off what Trump has because so much of his power is based on cashing in privileges.

In the perspective of a Fox News viewer, this flaunting of power is itself powerful. They have long felt entitled to dominating people purely because of who they are and not because of their own merits. Trump lives out that power fantasy, and they vicariously through him.

On the contrary, Walz is a good (ish) man because of his actions and accomplishments. He has yielded to others when it was best for the group to do so. He has listened, learned, and changed his mind on various occasions.

These viewers do not want to change their mind. They do not want to listen with empathy and openness to people who disagree with them. They certainly do not want to give up even a sliver of the systemic power they do have just because someone else is disempowered when they exercise it. And Fox “News” is right there to say: you don’t have to. The people trying to name and confront your unearned privilege are trying to ruin your life, actually, because they hate you, and you don’t have to listen to them.

Refusing to fully exercise your power over others is to them weak. It requires humility and trust and empathy towards people they do not respect, and they are eager for anyone to tell them they don’t have to do that. The average Fox viewers wants to believe (if they are reasonably well off) that they deserve their privilege or (if they are not) that they have been denied something that they are owed.

Fox viewers are sucked in by the claim that their current struggles are the fault of degenerates and their successes are a product of their own inherent goodness. That other people’s struggles are because of their degeneracy and their successes are unearned opportunities stolen from good people. This is an easy, psychologically appealing message for most people if they can believe that they and theirs all fall into the “good people” category. (All people are somewhat vulnerable to this fallacy, but Fox News made a business model out of it.)

Walz, with his fostering of “degeneracy” and his lifetime of service before going into politics, does not fit this narrative. Most of them have not and do not want to do what Walz has done to earn his power, which makes them feel even more insecure in the unearned power they do have. Trump, who did not earn any of his successes and is as clearly “degenerate” as a president has ever been, is in fact a perfect encapsulation of how they want power to work.

In their eyes they get power because they deserve it, and if you try to take it away by exerting your own power (to, for example, live your gender in a way that makes them uncomfortable) then they are within their rights to use that power against you. It is good to do that, actually. Exercising that power is how we build and maintain a moral and strong society.

Trump’s entitlement towards power, wealth, violence, sex, and law is the whole point. Nobody wants to have to earn what they already feel entitled to.

Trump: lifetime of selfish scams.

Walz: military service, public service, lifetime of accomplishments for others.

#politics blogging

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elenajohansenreads · 2 years ago

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Books I Read in 2023

#3 - The Three-Body Problem, by Cixin Liu, translated by Ken Liu

Rating: 1/5 stars

As far as I can tell, the only thing this book has going for it is the novelty of it being Chinese. Yes, before this Chinese sci-fi wasn't available to English-speaking readers. Yes, it's an interesting experience to read sci-fi produced by a culture that isn't my own. I value both of those statements being true and would love to read more sci-fi in translation.

Too bad I couldn't find anything inherently interesting about the work itself. There's nothing it did or tried to do that another author I've read hasn't already done better.

[past here we enter massively spoilered territory with a bonus of nitpicky ranting about one mishandled plot device, consider the above your TL;DR if you still want to read this book yourself someday]

I don't have problems with the premise, and only minor ones with the resulting plot: I have great difficulty suspending my disbelief in regards to so many people turning traitor to Earth, and without that certainty, the story fails. The ETO was functionally a cult in many ways, and I understand that cults can have extraordinary influence on their members, but the narrative takes great and repetitive pains to tell me that nearly all ETO members were social, political, or scientific elite--ie, not stupid country bumpkins. (There was a lot of classism in this book, and not just in the Cultural Revolution segments.) But fine, sure, let's have a doomsday future where an incipient alien invasion freaks people out to the point where they want their own planet taken over.

A more serious issue I have with the book is its quiet sexism. There are only two named female characters I can recall, one whose death could arguably be called an inciting incident for the modern-day plot line (or at least an entry point into it for one protagonist,) and the second is our other protagonist. (ETA: I remembered a third minor female character whose importance to the plot is negligible.) However, our lady protagonist is also the first and most serious traitor to the human race...not a great look for women, thanks. The Cultural Revolution plot line is entirely about her and presumably meant to guide the reader to understanding the forces that shaped this woman into the person who could betray the Earth so completely, but a) that's such a repugnant viewpoint to me personally I can't find myself sympathetic to her, and b) even if I could (or I could suspend my disbelief better for more interesting characters and moral quandaries) I don't really see how we get from point A to inviting an alien invasion. This may simply be something that would read better if I were Chinese and had the personal-cultural experience to access the history more fully, but obviously, I'll never know that for sure.

The failure of one protagonist to involve me in the story adequately is a specific point of a larger problem: this novel is idea-based and doesn't make any real effort to make its characters "real." There were a lot of moments where I simply said to myself, "People don't act/talk that way." There were a lot of times I felt a character was a plot device who happened to have a name attached. There were a lot of "talking heads" sections were extensive back-and-forth conversations were held, sometimes for many pages, but neither party involved ever moved, breathed, or had any kind of body language. The only character that displayed anything close to a personality was Da Shi, the cop who quite proudly wasn't a "good" cop but an effective one. He was rude, he had swagger, he knew the limits of his own intelligence yet came up with many of the revelatory moments the scientist characters couldn't because of his brand of "street" smarts. So he was still a thinly veiled plot device--that sort of character isn't fresh or original at all--but simply by virtue of being the only one who wasn't an interchangeable cog in the plot, he was the most memorable.

The second half of the problem I had with the novel being ideas-based was that the ideas weren't good or solid. By that I mean, the narrative belabored the three-body problem, a well-known thing, far past the point I needed it to be explained (I was vaguely familiar with it before but physics wasn't my field even when I was actively studying science) then, late in the story, rushed through multidimensional supercomputers so fast that I don't know if that was wholly science fiction the author made up, or something with at least a grounding in stuff we puny human scientists are already exploring. (I know we're not making proton-sized computers yet, but is this something we think we can do? Ever?)

On top of that, I don't feel confident about the science because I don't have the sense that the author did due diligence in research to make anything about this seem real. While I don't have advanced physics knowledge, I am a giant video game nerd with more than a layman's understanding of how games get made, and the Three Body video game is preposterous. No video game with its described translation and mutable-setting capabilities could exist in a believable modern day world without employing a development studio the size of a small country, yet it's all hand-waved with "the ETO did it on behalf of the aliens."

With what money? Who programmed it specifically, because I might believe the ETO managed to snag a game dev or two, but how did they pitch the project to their studio(s)? If it's accessible for free to everyone online, is knowledge of it spreading by word of mouth, are they advertising, are they relying on game journalism to interest potential new players from which to gather their potential new members? Since our other protagonist plays the game repeatedly and only ever seems to meet the same two or three other players, is that meant to be representative of the entire (small, unrealistically small!) player base, or are player interactions instanced with priority given to matching the same user IDs whenever possible? Because that's a potentially complex addition to game functionality that wouldn't be cheap, and I simply cannot stress this point enough, where is this money coming from because we know the game isn't using a free-to-play model with micro-transactions so how are the servers running and how are the programmers getting paid? You'd need an entire stable of graphic designers just to keep up with the clothing necessary for the character models, if multiple historical settings are available thematically based on user names, which is another entire kettle of fish, because that's not being assigned by hand, the response time wouldn't be fast enough, so it requires some kind of programming script or even an AI to make those decisions, which is yet another thing someone had to make and get paid for...and what happens if a user ID has no innate scientific importance or cultural connotation? What appearance and setting would Three Body assign me if I just entered "Elena" as my handle?

And all of these objections are coming from a hobbyist who has never actually worked in game development but watches YouTube videos about it for fun. Actual industry people would likely have even more salient criticism. But if I can poke holes in this plot device so easily, how am I supposed to take the rest of the book seriously?

#booklr #book review #the three-body problem #read in 2023 #book photography #my photos

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tarotlogy · 2 years ago

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TEN OF WANDS

THE OVER-BURDENED & OVER-STRETCHED FINALE

CARD IMAGERY DESCRIPTION

The battle weary soldier of the Nine of Wands, the bandaged warrior, had one last stand to make when we last met him. He was tired, exhausted and weary of conflict and challenge.

By Stage Nine of his journey he had barely stopped to rest or sleep, so enthusiastic and fired up with his glorious vision, his burning ambition and passion sustained and fueled him. He needed no more and couldn’t get enough of hard work, projects, pressure, deadlines and missions. He had endless goals and dreams which he was determined to realise. He was very optimistic about his success and confident of his abilities and skills. If any man could do it, it would be him. He would take on the world and be sure to win. Stress was his friend and he thrived on it. He worked better under pressure and stress and became a live wire of fiery energy and constant activity. He was here, there, everywhere, and anywhere. On the go from morning till night, friends marvelled at his force and determination. He said yes to everything and everyone, as nothing was too much for him. Most couldn’t keep up with him for he was moving so fast, with no time to spare, on his way to the top, and with an extra push, maybe even further than that.

He burst into life in The Ace of Wands and hasn’t really stopped since then. Like a flash fire he ripped through from Ace to Nine, leaving a scorched trail in his wake. He was relentless and strong. His shoulders were wide and solid, the perfect size for carrying all the responsibilities, obligations, pressures and stresses that were a permanent fixture in his life. His mind was clear, fresh and very fast. Creative and dynamic, he was ahead of everyone at all times and could out-think, out-smart and out-move the best of them. He knew what he wanted, was single-minded, and often bloody-minded, in going about achieving it.

Born with an inherent interest for adventure, novelty and travel he covered as much ground as he could and had a go at anything that caught his attention and imagination.

A born leader and ruler, he was fearless in the face of battle and his adversaries. He enjoyed a good fight or competition and has gained great experience in these areas. His courage led him to explore unknown territory and take risks when others shrank back in doubt and hesitation. He was always the first to volunteer for dangerous missions or step forward when times where difficult and others needed his help. He pushed the boundaries of his personal best, and unwavering, set his sights on his vision of a dazzling future.

He was certainly flying high when we caught a flashing glimpse of him in Card Eight as he zipped by us on the way to securing another success, another achievement, another victory and another job done. However, by the time we caught up with him in Card Nine, something had certainly changed. The glide was gone out of his stride and the pep out of his step. He was exhausted. His enthusiasm, beaten out of him. His hectic and frenzied life had eventually caught up with him and he seemed fatigued and highly stressed. Gone were the high-jinks, laughs, snappy remarks and restless energy. Instead he looked wary and dour. His mood was quite flat and at times he appeared negative and bitter.

There he stood with all his achievements behind him, his projects, his obligations and goals fought long and hard for, but they did not appear to be making him happy. He appeared nervy, jumpy and humorless. Tense and stressed he had no time for anything or anyone as he had so many things to do and areas that needed to be checked, maintained and secured. While everyone went off to their lives and social activities The Wand’s Man, who used to be part of it all, had too much on his plate to even think of having a bit of downtime. With frazzled nerves he refused to give up or accept any help offered to him for he could not let go of any of his Wands. Delegation just wasn’t his thing and anyway, no one else would have known how to handle the Wands the way he did. It was best if he stuck to doing it all himself.

He had thought to be long home and dry after the Eight of Wands, but hadn’t taken into account that the hardest work of all was yet to come. After the Eight of Wands, he believed he would be in a position to start enjoying the rewards of all his effort and past successes. Instead, more was required of him before he could secure that glittering prize. As he crossed the finish line in Card Eight he was confident of everything falling nicely into place, but he discovered he had one last effort to make, and it would be colossal. Shattered and fatigued he had to call on all his inner-strength and stamina to make his last stand. He was a fighter and no one would ever call him a quitter. He had to psyche himself up for the battle for he now felt a little rattled and unsure.

So in the Nine he rose to the Challenge, injured and deflated, he pulled himself together and refused to give up or give in. He was going to finish the Race and complete his mission even if it killed him. We couldn’t help but admire this Wand’s man as he summoned his last reserves of energy and refused to be beaten. He was certainly taking on a lot and we hoped he would not live to regret it. Surely success should be his. After all his hard work, he certainly deserved it.

We now can catch up with him in Card Ten and see where he is and how he is managing.

As we enter the scene of The Ten of Wands the first thing we see are Ten Wands dominating the Imagery. They rise high up in the air and spread fan-like in all directions. It is only then we notice the bent and hunched man below who is almost obliterated by all the Wands. The man wraps his arms around the Ten Wands and clutches them to his chest. It appears awkward to us, and we think he would be better advised to carry them over his shoulder, but this is obviously the way he chooses. Again we wonder why, because we now realise The Ten Wands are completely obliterating his view, and with his head bent, one would question whether he can see where he is going?

By his body stance and movement, the Wand’s Man appears to be walking uphill even though the ground is flat beneath him. He seems to be using a lot of force and energy to walk so we must presume these Ten Wands are indeed extremely heavy. His back must be aching, his leg muscles burning and fingers blistered from the continuous effort and strain. He is certainly driving this situation but it looks like it is taking every bit of his energy and willpower to keep it going. He is struggling to hold on to his ten Wands no matter what.

After the events of the Nine of Wands, the Man has almost gone into automatic pilot mode and can’t stop now even if he wanted to. If we could see his face, it is for sure his teeth are gritted and his jaw set hard. There is no one else in the picture so The Wand’s Man has no help with his heavy load. It looks like it is all up to him. It seems he is trying to push his way forward or through something and is experiencing resistance. There may be blocks or obstacles he has to overcome before he is free to travel onwards. His stance reminds us of a scrum in Rugby when bodies bend and heads lock before extreme force is applied to drive the scrum forward. Only the strongest are up to the job.

We must now ask where he is heading to if he cannot see the road ahead? Is he using his intuition, instinct or natural homing device to see him to his destination, or has he actually lost sight of where he is heading to? Maybe he has lost his way or forgotten where he was supposed to be going? There is a town in the distance, not too far away so maybe that is where he is bound? If so, then one would think he would appear more relaxed in himself and relieved to be almost there. However, if he cannot see the road or pathway in front, he may not realise he is so close to the town. He may be too engrossed with carrying those heavy Wands, he could easily bypass the town, and miss within it, the opportunity to rest and lighten his load for a while. There may be people in the town waiting to greet him and celebrate his eventual arrival and ultimate success. His goals and rewards could be sitting only a few hundred kilometres away from him. If he doesn’t look up soon it may be too late and will be left wandering under his heavy load indefinitely. Then he will certainly have lost his way

Then again he could collapse from exhaustion before he gets there and has to be carried away by those stronger than him. It might be a case of ‘nearly never made it’. Could he have gone this far only to fail or fall at the last hurdle? Could it all have been for nothing, all in vain? Surely not, so let us think positively. The Wand’s Man seems broad-shouldered and well-built, and just as well for he will need all his physical energy to reach his destination or realise his goal (the town or village). Progress is slow as the weight of the Wands slow him down and the journey must seem endless. He may feel resentful of his situation and the price he has to pay for success. It may all have become too much. However, the skies are clear and bright which suggests he will eventually reach his destination even though he has gone about it the hard way. His red and orange clothes symbolise the energy and effort it takes to carry his Wands. He may be weary and worn out but now is not the time for him to give up. He is nearly there, on the agonising home stretch, but cannot afford to take anything for granted just yet.

Great effort is now required of him now and he must give one last push even though it seems unbearable. As he approaches his final destination his load will appear to get even heavier. The Wand’s will become more difficult to manage and his hands will be torn apart with splinters. It will seem like his Ten Wand’s (tasks, duties, obligations, responsibilities) are multiplying as they build and feed off each other’s energy. His legs will feel like buckling beneath him and he may be staggering as he approaches the finish line.

To those looking on at this scene and know of The Wand’s Man, it might be hard for them to acknowledge his hardship and the weight of his burdens for he has always appeared machine-like to them. He has never complained before or said ‘no’ to any requests or demands made of him. He has always being a work horse so why should things change? They may not understand that he is only human after all and cannot do everything. They may not recognise his desperate fatigue for he has never been seen down or low before. Neither has he asked for help from anyone, therefore he probably doesn’t need it, and it won’t be offered. He is a ‘doer’, a ‘fix-it man’ for all and sundry, so people expect him to be able to manage his own stuff. But then he was always a proud man and not prone to showing any weakness. He wouldn’t like people to think he wasn’t able, or up to the job, so he was always affirmative. ‘Yes’, ‘of course’, ‘no problem’, ‘consider it done’, ‘how soon would you like it’ and he always was there with a smile, obliging and eager. People began to rely on him more and more and often off-loaded their difficult tasks or problems on him because he was the best man to sort them out. I suppose many saw him as a hero type and The Wand’s man was eager to live up to his reputation.

Alas, one can only be pushed so far, and we all have our limits, even The Wand’s Man. Along with The Ten Wands he carries is the full and sole responsibility for his situation. He has nobody to blame but himself for the burdens he now has to endure. We wonder if he is thinking about all these things as he struggles on his way? Failing to curb his enthusiasm as he progressed through his Suit he took on one exciting project after another. He gave little long-term consideration to what would be involved. He only thought of today and the accompanying instant gratification or glory they brought at that time. He was also a good soul and liked to be obliging whenever he could. This has now got him tied up in responsibilities, obligations and commitments that he may find quite difficult to get out of. If he hadn’t always said ‘yes’ to everything his load would be much lighter and his journey long completed. He would be free to enjoy himself or to concentrate on those things that give him real satisfaction.

Now we see him at the end of his journey, not so enthusiastic anymore and left with the aftermath of his endeavours. The screaming hungry babies he gave birth to on his journey from Ace to Ten are all demanding to be fed at once. He took on so much over that period he now finds it hard to let go of the reins because he is so intricately involved and responsible for all. He might dearly love to drop some of the Wands but too much is at stake. How can he possibly delegate or share out his responsibilities when this would require him having to let go of full control? He is quite determined to see them all through to the bitter end. He is not going to let the side down or lose face. He feels it is all up to him now and that he has no choice but to see it through.

The pressure is on him now and he resigns himself to doing whatever has to be done. In the Nine of Wands he decided that this last stand was a battle worth fighting and so he must give it his best and throw all his resources behind it now. As painful as this stage of the journey may be, the rewards upon successful completion will be immense and totally satisfying. He just needs to stick with it now and not lose heart as this period of intense pressure and anxiety will soon come to an end. He just needs to keep his head down and put one foot in front of the other.

However, he may be forgiven for feeling deflated as this was not how it was meant to be. He was supposed to be living the high life at this stage, travelling here and there and enjoying himself. Instead he is bogged down with drudgery and dreariness and the sole responsibility of these Ten Wands lie with him. No one else would know what to do with them or even want them. It all seems like hard work and no play. He longs to be free to follow his urge for travel, adventure and excitement. He must understand that he is totally responsible for his situation. This is what he wanted and he has to accept that it is tough at the top.

We now look at him with sympathetic eyes for he resembles the battle weary soldier, making his way into the local town or going home, his kit heavy on his back and the life drained out of his soul. It is certainly a far cry from his early glory days. Is this really the same man who sat proud and tall on his horse in The Six of Wands and looked on top of the world? He doesn’t look like the same man at all. Indeed, the world now seems to sit on top of him.

The Wand’s Man no doubt will make it to his final destination but he has gone about it the hard way. He is trying to deal with too many things at the one time. He is overloaded and overburdened. He has certainly overstretched himself this time and was probably overly confident about his ability to carry such a load and give each of his Ten Wands equal attention and focus. He was so caught up with the daily grind and chore of these Ten Wands he may have lost sight of his original plan, vision or goal. With his head buried in the Wands, he cannot see the wood for the trees. He is too close to his situation and needs to take a step back and learn how to prioritize. Does he really need to carry all Ten Wands at the same time? Could he not leave down a few less important ones for the time being and concentrate on the most important tasks only? He has too much on his plate and needs to offload before it breaks his back. He is suffering from physical and nervous exhaustion and will end up on the flat of his back in bed if he does not lighten his load and get some rest or help. The trouble is, The Wand’s Man is not used to being ill or fatigued so will have the tendency to keep pushing himself further and further and won’t realise how bad things are until burnout hits, and he collapses or cannot get out of bed one day. Who then will tend the Ten Wands?

So when he does make it to the town sooner or later, we hope he will have learned some valuable lessons along the way. We would like to see him lay down some of his Wands or hand them over to others who have the enthusiasm and energy for them. Before he starts his next cycle and returns once more to the Ace we would like to think he understands himself and his Elemental Influence much better. Starting from Ace once more but on a higher plane of experience and maturity, he must accept he has a tendency to collect too many Wands if he is not careful. Only he knows where that will lead him. If not, he will soon find himself picking up another ten Wands in no time at all. He must also learn when to say ‘No’ and work in certain parameters. Another lesson he should have learned, is the importance of pacing himself instead of trying to rush or force situations which of course leads to the art of patience. This journey is nearly over but there will be more journeys to come which will give him ample opportunity to apply all the accumulated wisdom and experience of his triumphs and failure so far.

****************

Looking at The Ten of Wands from another aspect we now have to view the Figure in the Imagery in a more suspicious manner. We must ask ourselves why he carries the Ten Wands as such? He now looks as if he might be trying to conceal himself behind all the Wands. What or who is he hiding from? The Figure may be using the Wands to conceal his true identity or personality. He may be deceitful or a shady character. He might be trying to disguise himself or act falsely to gain the confidence and trust of another. He might also be attempting to sneak into the town without anyone seeing him. He could be working undercover or on some covert mission using camouflage to get around.

Take note that The Ten of Wands is a Stage Card and therefore we must look behind the scenes as much as possible for not everything may be as it seems. It may all be an act to give a certain impression or possibly someone is playing on the sympathy of others with their burden of woes and cares. The Figure may be acting the martyr and deliberately loading themselves down with duty and obligations in order to get attention. He might be deliberately taking the hard road to show others how much he suffers.

MEANING

KEYWORDS

Home-Stretch, Nearly There, Nearly Home and Dry, Keep Your Head Down and Keep Going, One Final Push, Success is almost Yours, The End is in Sight, Overburdened, Over Extended, Weighed Down, Arduous Tasks, Taken on Too Much, Too Much on Your Plate, Doing The Lion’s Share, Being Pushed Too Far, Over-Taxed, Doing it All Yourself, Unable to Delegate, Huge Weight on Your Shoulders, Over-Loaded, Immense Effort, Unable to See Clearly, Lost Focus, Lost Sight, Lost Your Way, Slow Progress, Blocks, Delays, Resistance, Exhaustion, Uphill Battle/Climb, The Longest Route, Prioritise, Challenging Times, Responsibilities, Assuming Responsibility,Taking On other’s Problems, Demands, Sole Responsibility, Obligation, Duty, Commitments, Unable to Say No, Being Taken Advantage of or Taken for Granted, Being Saddled, Left Holding The Baby, Information Overload, Stress, Worries, Physical/Nervous Exhaustion, Pushing Yourself, Burnout, No Fun, Lack of Freedom/Spontaneity, Working Overtime, Taking Your Work Home, Drudgery

When The Ten of Wands appears in your Reading, depending on position in Spread of course, it is quite obvious to tell what is going on and the Querant will see it too in the imagery. Here we see the culmination and consequences of too much energy, enthusiasm and activity beginning to take its toll. We have all been guilty of this at one stage or another and have vowed ‘never again’. However, this Card suggests Harvest Time when back-breaking work is required of us all if we want to reap the rewards of all our previous effort. Sometimes there is no way to avoid it, so it can be a case of under, over or through to get to where you are going with no shortcuts or fast tracking involved.

The Ten of Wands often appears when you are entering the final stages of a project, task or job. The end is in sight but you are now entering the agonising home stretch when energy levels are down and enthusiasm for the project has been beaten out of you. Instead of the workload lightening, it has become heavier. There are so many things that need to be sorted and arranged, especially those boring parts you would rather suck razor blades than do. These tasks are usually ones you just have to do yourself, because involving others at this stage would create further delays as you would have to spend time instructing them on what you need done, how, where and when. You might as well do it yourself. Thing is, you are not very good at delegation anyway, and if you had learned how to delegate some of the less important tasks back in the beginning, you wouldn’t be under such pressure now. You are tired, fatigued and fed up but the show must go on. Every time you think you are nearly there, something else pops up and demands attention, creating delays or set-backs. Progress is slow now and it all seems like too much. Close to burnout, you may be suffering from information overload now and are not able to think straight. Will it ever be all over?

You may wonder why you ever bothered? Feeling riddled with stress and anxiety, you have paid a hefty price in your quest for success. You will have to rekindle the original passion you had for this project or task and draw your energy from that. Massive effort and in-put is required of you now, but do keep in mind you are nearly there, and the rewards will be immense, and success better than you had ever hoped for. Now is not the time for quitting. Put your head down and your back into it for you will be home and dry before you know it. Then you can have a well-earned break and relax. However, bear in mind you have taken the hardest and most awkward approach, and at times have made life very difficult for yourself. You must learn from this. You need to plan things out better, prioritise and ask for help when you need it. Save yourself for the most important tasks. Learn how to pace yourself and how to be patient. You are only one person after all.

When the Ten of Wands is drawn, it suggests that you are under immense pressure and are finding life a huge struggle. You are extremely busy with not a moment to catch your breath or take stock of what your are about. You seem to have a lot to deal with and are probably under considerable stress. A lot is being asked of you at present or you are asking a lot of yourself. Life certainly feels like an uphill climb or battle right now, making it hard to get ahead or make progress. You may be collapsing under a tonne of arduous tasks or projects that just have to be completed no matter how tired or fed up you might feel. It seems like everything has to be done, and all at the same time. Many of these tasks have been ongoing, but they never seemed to cause so much work before. They probably started out as simple things you got involved in, easily managed as such, but now they have grown out of proportion or multiplied and have to be dealt with, just when you don’t have the time for them. Your mind may be on other, more interesting things which you would prefer to be doing, but here you are having to give your all and more, just to get them sorted. You would dearly love to walk away from them all but that is the last thing you should do. This is unfinished business and even though it is weighing you down at the moment, it is best to deal with them now, rather than leave them hanging over you indefinitely. Yes, they are blocking your way forward and all progress at the moment, but with a bit of effort and renewed determination, you should see an end to in the very near future. Put the necessary work in now and get it sorted. You then have to determine how you let yourself get into this situation. Who’s fault was it? Where does the responsibility lie?

The Ten of Wands in current times can often represent the uphill and desperate struggle for those who have been badly hit by the recession. There may be a daily struggle to pay the mortgage, clear debts and bills which is almost breaking your back. Look for the Five of Pentacles, Reversed Two, Reversed Four or Reversed Six which will indicate severe financial pressure. Multiple stress and worry might be sapping the life energy out of you and it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. However, like so many others, you have no option but to keep soldiering on in the hope that things will improve in the future. However, swamped by so much burden and responsibility, you may find it hard to look any further than just getting through today, let alone looking to tomorrow or next week. You do have the stamina and resources to get through these hard times.

The Ten of Wands can suggest that you are shouldering many burdens. You may feel overloaded with commitments, obligations, duties and responsibilities. You are probably pushing yourself too hard and are finding it hard to cope. This is not like you at all and you are more than likely forcing yourself to keep going, making out that all is fine. There is no let up though and you may be working harder than you have ever done and knowing you, harder than anyone else around you. You seem to be doing the Lion’s share of the work at present or feel that you have to take responsiblity for everything. Others may be expecting too much of you and are adding to your load with their constant demands and requests. You have too much on your plate as it is so you will have to learn to say ‘no’ because until you do, people will keep dumping more and more on top of you, especially if you are not complaining about it. You see, it is not in you to say ‘no’ as that might be a sign of weakness. Your pride and being overly confident of your capabilities have you taking on things you really haven’t the time or energy for. You believe you can’t back out and hand them back ,or over to someone else, because you said you would do them, so you soldier on.

The Ten of Wands can suggest that someone has put a saddle on your back and will ride you to hell if they want. They may see you as a workhorse and take advantage of your good nature and willingness to help. You may be given the hardest and messiest tasks to carry out, and because you are obliging and successfully complete them, more and more is then asked of you. You may feel like you are on a treadmill, going round and round, faster and faster, but personally getting nowhere in the end. There is probably a building resentment towards those who are putting you through this as they have cleverly manipulated the situation, allowing them to do little, while you work like a cart-horse.

Of course if anything goes wrong, you will have to take the sole blame, and therefore feel the burden of your responsibilities intensely right now. You are worried and stressed about how you will be able to manage and what will happen if anything should go wrong. It is all up to you now, no pressure of course! People do seem to have a habit of dumping all their problems on you, or at your doorstep, and it has to stop. You are left to clean up all their disasters and mistakes with barely a thank you. This has all become a habit which must be broken. The pressure may be coming from any area in your life. It could be work-related, a partner who asks too much or family and friends who expect too much.

Self-Care is essential at this stage for you are spreading yourself too thin and are quite frazzled by it all. Outwardly you may be keeping up a pretence of being strong and enthusiastic but inside you could feel beaten and exhausted. You certainly cannot keep going on in this manner. Stress, tiredness and fatigue have become chronic and you may have lost the ability to relax. You may be close to burnout and feel like a physical and nervous wreck. You may have lost all the fight in you and energy levels could be very low. You don’t seem to know where you are going, have lost your focus or your way. Fatigue has resulted in you losing sight of , or faith in your original goals. Instead of the rewards you expected, you may feel trapped or now see it as a massive ball and chain you have to drag around with you. You need a break and some rest to gain perspective as you can’t think straight at the moment. You have over-extended yourself and expected too much of your body. It is time to prioritise and offload as much as you can. Concentrate only on those areas that are the most important and relevant. Everything else will have to take a back seat or just get dumped. There are many around who would be delighted to take them of your plate, if you would only ask or let them know you have too much to cope with. Don’t struggle on your own. Learn how to delegate and you will find your energy and enthusiasm soon returns.

The Ten of Wands also deals with deceit, concealment and falsities. Therefore it is important to look beyond the outward facade as somebody may be pretending to be something or someone they are not. Someone may be hiding something from you or try to get away with something without being noticed. There might be sneaky behaviour going on around you. Check all documents thoroughly as this Card often represents fraud and forgeries.

The Ten of Wands can also represent the physical act of moving home. You may be packing up all your belongings and relocating. This is often a stressful and very trying time.

If related to relationships The Ten of Wands may suggest that you are taking the full responsibility for its continuing success. One partner makes all the effort while the other makes none. You could be working hard all day and then have to come home to housework, cooking and screaming children, while your partner sails in the door and puts their feet up. You are tired and frazzled with no time to yourself. In your relationship, things may be very different behind closed doors than they are in the open. You may be concealing problems, incidents or issues from friends and families. Your partner may also be hiding something from you. Then again, your partner may have upped and gone, leaving you holding the baby and having to go it alone. Check the surrounding Cards for further insight.

There is a tendency also for one to take all the blame in a relationship should it fail. You could be guilty of being too busy with work or your business to have time for relationships, or to concentrate on the one you have. You may be very ambitious and chasing success at any cost, causing a lack of connection and intimacy in your relationship.

Your relationship may feel like hard work and effort rather than something you should be enjoying. As a couple you may be carrying several burdens and finding it all a bit of a struggle. There may be worries over money, work, family or health and certainly you have much to deal with at present. If you are both in this together then you should weather the storm and be confident that life will improve in the near future. Look to surrounding Cards to see where the Ten of Wands is coming from.

As a couple you may have decided to relocate and are packing up the home. You might be engaged in a self-build and are doing all the hard manual work yourself in your spare time. This is certainly tough going and extremely tiring. However, all this heavy work will not go on forever, and when it is complete, you will be thrilled with the results of all your efforts.

Career related, you may be responsible for everything in work and don’t seem to have anyone to help you. However, you may not trust anyone else to carry your responsibilities (Wands) as you fear that no one else is capable of doing the job right. You can find it hard to delegate and probably have a tendency to take your work home with you either physically or mentally.

The pressures of the workplace may be getting to you. You may be finding it hard to keep up with the constant inflow of work, demands and deadlines. You may be stressed and living on your nerves, and find it hard to relax or switch off when you go home or at the weekends. There is a danger you are heading to burnout or breakdown. You are no good to anyone or to yourself when you get to this stage as you cannot find solutions or think straight. Your work will suffer as a result, and this is the last thing you want, for you are so conscientious. You will have to speak to your those in charge and inform them of your difficulties, for they may not realise you are so burdened. They may be more than happy to get someone to help you or redistribute the workload. Taking a little time off might do you the world of good and help re-charge the batteries.

In work you may feel resentful, as more and more tasks, duties or responsibilities are dumped in your lap. Your workload may have become unbearable. More and more is required of you but there may be no financial gain as a reward. In fact, during these times of recession you may be asked to do two people’s job and take a pay cut at the same time. You may have to work extra hours or overtime for no pay. You may be carrying work colleagues, doing their work for them or covering up their mistakes.

If you are self-employed it can represent the heavy responsibility that weighs on you to make sure that every job is done and done well. You may have taken on too much in work and now feel burdened by the sheer tediousness of it all. Work has become boring and drudgery. You may feel very alone as you try to do everything yourself. This is the hard part of getting a business established and all business people go through this. Being self-employed is great but there are many sacrifices to be made on the road to success. Hard work and long hours may be required of you right now, but it will be worth it in the end.

Your business may be struggling and taking much longer to get established than you expected, leaving you thinking that you will never get there. However the appearance of this Card suggests that you are nearly there and now is not the time to give up. In hindsight, you probably have made things harder for yourself than you should have. Impulsive decisions made along the way in your business may have delayed its development and success. You may have areas of your business that are not working, or indeed staff that are not pulling their weight. Serious weeding and offloading of dead wood is needed if your business is going to be successful in the long run. Instead of peddling away furiously, take a step back for you are too close to it all at the moment, and determine which are your most successful and profitable areas. Focus on these and let go of any areas that have been chronically weak and unproductive. However, before you do that, check that the staff in charge of these areas are doing what they should. Discover where the fault lies and sort it. Your business will be tidier, less of a financial drain and easier to manage.

This Card can also suggest you do not want to retire and prefer to trojan on as there is plenty of life left

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