#and that any other smart person could have done it and that there's something inherently wrong with me which is why /i/ couldnt

[yutadori]

gjdfjgld;jfkafjasklkfdajfk i . im a bit more normal (pointedly ignoring any anxiety) about the job offer but god that was so scary . i saw my classmate and my professor before i went to meet with the coordinator and he was like "i would tell you good luck, but she's really nice and excited to meet you" and i was like agh . okay . yeah i'll be fine i'll be so normal .

well . a bit before i was supposed to meet her she asked me to bring in an ESSAY and my resume um i was ready to blow up and die..... i'm so glad this wasn't my first class with this professor because i feel like being in his class really helped improve the structure and clarity in my essays... i can't even look at the essays i wrote before his class lol . anyway . i had my classmate lightly edit my essay before i went and gjdflkghdsfjgdsfg oh mein gott it was so embarrassing in the beginning because i was printing out my shiet and my paper was EIGHT pages so i went up to the front desk to ask for a stapler and the receptionist was talking to someone when i got there and when i was in the middle of taking the stapler from them, i asked them if they knew where i could meet the coordinator and the person the receptionist was talking to TURNED OUT TO BE WHO I WAS LOOKING FOR???? and i was just so thrown off that i just sort of stood there with my papers in my hands not knowing whether i should grab the stapler or introduce myself oughhhh

anyway . that happened and we went into a room and she asked me interview questions and i decided to be honest again (</3) because it felt like a space where that was actually warranted.... when she asked me to tell her about myself, one of the things i said was that i like reading and oh my god thank god thankkkkk god i'm actually reading a book for the first time in MONTHS because she ASKED WHAT I WAS READING.... it felt like a test but she probably wouldnt have beat me up if i said i wasn't reading anything at da moment..... but yeah . she was very honest and straightforward which i really appreciated <3 she was telling me about how it can be an exhausting job where there will be a lot of thinking (+ doing so on the spot) and it involves a lot of engagement. like she talked about how when people come in for help on their essays, you don't Tell them what to do or that they're wrong in doing xyz, it's a lot of asking the right questions to pull answers out of them or to help stimulate their thinking and helping them arrive to a conclusion on their own. and when she was talking about all of that i told her that it was actually pretty similar to how my professor teaches ('':

but yeagh.... it's scary.... it's really scary i'm really scared . she said it's a lot to handle and that it's a lot of work and aside from the tutoring aspect, there's a lot of reading which makes me anxious because of my piss ass attention span but this could honestly be a good thing because it could be a way to force me to work on that.....

augh... when my professor first brought this up to me on monday i was sooo scared and when he said that i could think about it, i immediately said yes even though practically everything in my body was telling me NO and to turn it down and run and try to find something else. i knew i couldn't give myself even a day to consider this because i knewwww i would freak myself out of it. and when i was talking with the coordinator for that whole hour, most of what she said scared me and was setting off sooooo much anxiety for me, i couldn't help but think "i can't do this i'm not cut out for this i'm not the person for this i should just leave NOW" and it's so annoying how those were such awfully persistent thoughts. she asked me if i thought i could handle it and i was honest again and i told her that i'm anxious about it because i've never ever ever envisioned myself as a tutor or teacher and i'm worried that i won't be able to help people properly x__x she was v nice and said that in telling her that she could tell that i want to help and do well and that's important.... u__u

i also asked her like . lol . when would i know if i get accepted or not after being put through training and she said that the only case would be if you're lazy and i was like hm . well . she pretty much explained that it's okay to make mistakes and that i can keep trying and learning but oagufdgdsgj i don't know . i might be the first person in recorded history at my school's reading and writing center to be kicked out because i fucked up too many times x__x LIKE . OUAGH . how many times can a tutor fuck up . you know . like there will probably be a certain point where i can't think fast enough or explain well enough or come up with a good enough outline and they're going to be like ohhhh wow you're really seriously so stupid why are you here . what did your professor see in you . you can die and leave now <3

[diejager]

Crow

Pairing: Monster TF 141 + Horangi & König x Eldritch horror!reader

Cw: blood, gore, canon-typical violence, injury, mutilation, tell me if I missed any. Wc: 1.9k

They hadn’t expected to have another specialist join them, none of them even knew what Price had in mind when he brought you in. You were normal in every way - as normal as a soldier could be - and unassuming under your dark clothes and gear. You smiled and waved when greeted, you took orders well and you spoke when spoken. You were like a ghost, there but also not there, invincible unless you made a sound or movement. Excluding all they saw in you, you were simply uncanny, with weird mannerisms and habits that made you seem inhuman - as inhuman as you could be to hybrids. 

The only words Price had given them before you landed were: “They’re good at what they do, just don’t cause any trouble, understood?”

They were vague and as unassuming as you first seemed, like any warning for any person that could easily become annoyed or mad. Ghost certainly hadn’t put much thought into it as he should. Gaz had elbowed Soap in an attempt at reminding the werewolf to heed their captain’s words. Rudy and Alejandro wouldn’t have to worry, they knew and learned the limits of any man’s patience, smart and intuitive. Horangi was as weary as he would with any new addition, eyes narrowed in annoyance and curiosity. Unlike any of them, König hid any emotions from his stoic face, shoulders broad and back ramrod that emphasised his height and broadness, he couldn’t be sure if you would be easy to ignore or irritable.

Granted, they all had expectations for you since Price seemed so proud and confident when you first joined them, acting like a child given his dream, famished to have you by his side as professionals as possible. Yet here you were, normal looking, of average height and average weight, and simply there. Although there wasn’t anything inherently abnormal to you, the simple presence of your being made their hair stand on end. There wasn’t any reason to be so frightened or chilled about you, you hadn’t done anything deserving of such fear and suspicion, and Price trusted you with his life. If he trusted you, then the rest could, no? After all, dragons are the most protective of monsters. 

As Price promised, you were good at what you did, never a flinch, never any hesitation, never a moment of weakness. You were too normal and good to be a human, especially not with the way corvids flocked to you. Ravens, crows, magpies and jackdaws followed you everywhere you went, simply standing or cawing around you as if you were a memener of their murder. Going to London would be dreadful with how many corvids called the British Isles their home, which - coincidentally - was where you lived. 

All but Price had a hard time forming a bond with you, your eerie presence made it difficult to relax, and apparently, you knew it as well, since they had an equally difficult time finding you on the base. If you weren’t beating a sand-filled punching bag, you would be at the shooting range, and if you weren’t there, then you’d be somewhere on the roof of a structure, taking in the cool, stormy air of the UK with your bird friends. 

You only smiled when they all blew up in cackles and jokes, never laughing with them or cracking your own jokes. Your voice never raised over a certain point, a murmur or a raspy growl. It was either human or inhuman to you. If Soap, Gaz and Rudy were having a hard time making you open up to them, then the rest would have an even harder time doing so. They were failing miserably. 

That was until Soap caught an airy chuckle from you when he passed Price’s office, the older man having probably said something amusing to you which had you laughing. And as loud and rowdy the werewolf was, he couldn’t stop himself from telling the others, his excitement and enthusiasm bleeding into the rest. It had somehow made them more determined to bond with you, you were, after months of work, a permanent member of Task Force 141. 

Unfortunately, the most they got were snorts and huffs, snorts from Ghost’s dark humour and huffs from Soap and Gaz’s poorly made-up jokes, theatrical performances of failures and defeat in the face of an unflinching and unusual being. Questions started piling up on Price’s desk, wanting to know if you were human, if you were a hybrid, if you were a monster, if you were even a living being seeing as you hadn’t taken a single breath or eaten (not that they’d seen you eat.). 

“That’s classified, ” Price stopped their musing with two simple words. “Unless they tell you themselves, I don’t think it’s any of my business divulging that to anyone.”

Price’s secrecy and respect for you only sowed the seeds of curiosity and intrigue deeper. What had you hidden from them that was so classified that Price couldn’t tell them? Even Alejandro didn’t have the clearance to dive into your files - not that there were any. The question lingered in their minds, unanswered and famished for one: What were you?

Somehow they’d gotten separated from you, being caught under heavy fire from Russian ultranationalists and backed into a building with most exits blocked or surrounded by the enemy. They worried about you, being left to yourself in a situation like this one was dangerous for even the most skilled and wary soldier. Whereas they all had their backs, one watching for the other, you were alone. And whereas you had the possibility of using your powers of shifting - if you were a hybrid or monster, they still hadn’t found the answer to that question - they were in the confines of a restricted building, letting loose would either damage the already-damaged-building or become a danger to their own teammates. 

Ghost’s fog was deadly. Soap could come under fire from them shooting. Gaz couldn’t fly freely in a tight place. Price’s fire could be devastating. Rudy couldn’t risk getting tired. Alejandro could be unknowingly shot by them. König was uncontrollable and unpredictable. Horangi was a danger to himself in the secret of darkness.  

They were fucked, caught in a dire situation that could mean the end of them, but regret and panic wouldn’t be of any use to them, they had to concentrate and wait for backup. 

“Backup from what, Price?!” 

What could possibly reach them in time to support them? They were too far in for any help to arrive quickly enough. The closest naval ship was thousands of miles away, the closest ocean was hundreds of miles away and any military support even farther. What would they even be waiting for?

“Cap! We can’t-”

A scream shattered the skies, howls of pain and panic filling the once booming sound of foreign guns. The sound of bodies being broken and bones cracking brought their attention elsewhere. The Russians weren’t aiming at them anymore, shooting at something bigger and more dangerous than any of them. They were looking at a creature that picked them off one by one, the shadow of a monster covering the white snow. The fear in their eyes tainted the sky as their blood sullied the fresh snow, turning white into red and pink.

Whatever that was was dangerous. The ability to rip men apart and incite terror into well-trained and hardened soldiers was anything but amiable, safe and good. Their bodies were tense, muscles contracted to move at the flicker of movement from the monster outside the building. Their weapons aimed towards the entrance, fingers laying restlessly on the trigger and shoulder screwed with suspense as the screams and cries slowly died down to howling winds in the night. 

Price raised a hand, holding them back from firing at the entity, they lowered their guns, following the captain as he walked towards the door. He hadn’t flinched or froze when clawed fingers gripped the wide opening, a giant, black hand cloaked with feathers. Another landed on the ground farther away, letting them see the blood staining the show, seeping from its fingers and dirty feathers. With a low rumble from the beast, it lowered its head to the doorway, where Price had stopped. 

He smiled at the gigantic head of a crown, its black beak sharpened with pointed teeth, as black as its skin and feathers. An oval eye blinked at them, white as the snow and piercing as the cold. It sent chills down their spines, ready to jump away if it attacked, but Price patted the skin under its eye.

“Thank you,” Price spoke your name so reverently, thanking it - you - with a grateful smile and proud eyes.

That monster - it - was you, the unassuming, perfect and eerie human. You, who was always around corvids, were one yourself, albeit a gigantic, crooked version of a crow. You crooned at Price’s touch, soft and loving like he was. You moved away from the entrance and they left. It was as if they walked into another world, blood, bones and guts littered the ground, as if a cat had had its fun with something breakable. Ghost and König thrived in this scene, the blood and gore feeding them. Unlike the rest that either recoiled or stared off, preferring to look at your bird-like form than the ground. 

In all your glory, you stood high and mightily, toppling over the trees by hundreds of metres. Covered head to toe in black skin and black, glistening feathers, you held your head high to look at the Russian field. Four horns curled over your head, sprouting from your crown and curling at the tip, they mimicked a crown of bone. Bones also grew from your back, the protrusion of your vertebrae growing along your back like a ridge, sharp and deadly, like the sharp-looking feathers that protected your back. If any of that were shocking then your second pair of wings would be frightening, an equally big pair of wings help support your weight on the ground, besides two legs, clawed perfectly to inflict lethal damage. And at the end of your back, a flared, serpentine tail with feathers curled upwards.

While Price acted with such ease and comfort around you, the rest simply couldn’t. If they were bothered by your presence before, now, after having shifted and showed your true skin, it grew tenfold, becoming unbearable and suffocating. You saw their discomfort, cooing at them before you shrunk, bone and feathers sinking back under your skin, your beak turning into the face they knew, but your white eyes remained. It was all knowing and powerful.

You were an Eldritch being, an all-knowing and powerful creature, perhaps one of the last horrors that lived. It made sense why Price was so trusting of you, believing you to be unable to betray them. Why he warned all of them to never stray into your hate and annoyance. Eldritch horrors, after all, were the strongest beings alive (if they could be called alive), old as aeons and unmoving by time. Dragons were second to them, the proud and respectable monsters knowing the worth of Eldritch creatures and respecting them. 

Everything fell into place. It clicked, why everything was simply so. Perhaps, after knowing your secret, you’d open up to them, let them in your colossal and dark and unbeating heart.

Taglist: @saelkie @yeoldedumbslut

[mackmp3]

☕how the writers delt with river song

SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP THEY DID MY GIRL SO DIRTY there are so many. good river song moments. and there are so manythat make me want to tear a strip off steven moffat like every goddamn episode with her they have to make some obnoxious sex joke or some Honey Im Home type shit & i understand this is like. A Moffat Theme & i dont always hate it but goddddd its so reductive like there is so much!!!! that could be done with her character !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is overshadowed by haha what if she was sexy like STOPPPPPPPPPPPP.

like silence in the library was a really good character lead in & i like her!!! as a character !!!! even the overly flirtatiousness unfortunately that would work on me but even aside from that. she is a good character let down but the sheer pull-it-out-of-your-ass writing of her backstory. like?? she could regenerate cos she was conceived in the tardis okay thats really cool much weirder stuff has happened when it comes to tardises & making babies but then WE SeE THIS FOR LIKE. ONE OR TWO EPISODES BEFORE THEYRE LIKE WHOOPS THAT DOESNT WORK ACTUALLY COS SHE'S DEAD UHHH SHE BETTER UHMM IDK SAVE TH E DOCTOR OR SOMETHING WHATEVER> COS HER ENTIRE LIFE HAS TO REVOLVE AROUND HIM. HASHTAG MARRIAGE AMIRITE like even the fact that her entire life was shaped around him isnt a Bad Idea it just feels like no one considered the tragic impies (implications) of this, & simultaneously doing amy so dirty in the process as well like??? she loses baby mels & then discovers she was her (never previously mentioned) childhood friend but then she uhhhh dies & turns into this woman you already know and them????? barely eveer mention it again???? holy shit?????????????????????? amy & river is a freaking horror story but one that the writers seem imcapable of dealing with because sOMEONE is too busy making obnoxious jokes about married life

a lot of thsi is specific to the General Vibes of the eleven era stuff as well which was in general so so weird about women & while its not like twelve or any of teh other doctors are expemt from this eleven is a massive dick to people quite a bit & a lot of this falls on river b/c he is seemingly (iirc i havent seen some of this stuff for a while though it Haunts Me) almost careless? with her? like a sort of 'welllllll she's here now so it was all okay in the end :)' sort of attitude ignoring that she went through A Fuckton Of Stuff before she was even a concious human(mostly??) being

even the husbands of river song is tragically guilty of some of that stuff like. she's seen some wild shit & she should have known it was twelve wayyyyyy way way quicker. like i understand why she didnt for plot reasons but she is in fact very intellegent like. she's allowed to show that. unfortunatley sometimes women cant be smart & have their boobs out at that same time I GUESSSSSSSSS

also the nine & river audios from earlier this year? i really like archipelago i listened to that a couple of times & i thought it was really powerful but AGAIN the writers make river So Fucking Obsessed With Romance like. you'd let it go by that point. nine had literally just proved he's the most aro guy in the universe (good for him) and shes stillllllll flirting at him. which. imo she wouldnt do anymore because, shock horror, she does actually like him as a person & values his company and you would think you would be friends wit hthe guy YOU ARE GONG TO MARRY OR WHATEVER. NOT THAT THEIR MARRIAGE WAS PARTICULARLY ROMANTIC EITHERIM GONNA BE SO REAL. obviously sex is important to her & good for her but yikes. it doesnt need to be mentioned so often.

like its the whole 'inherent tragedy of waiting for a time traveller' stuff which i do eat up every time meeting her in silence of the library & knowong that there is so much more there - VERY COMPELLING !! really good character intro augahagaauuaajaaajahhahahahhhh but nooooo her Entire Fucking Goddman Life has to revolve around being manipulated & The Doctor AS WELL AS !! the completely uncalled for ohhhh im a PSYCHOPATH ( <- unfounded & demonstrably untrue lowkey this is saneism right. thats an ableism there yes? ) thing they alllwaysssss have her say like well!! shes not !! theres 'youre talking about commiting a murder'/'no im not, i'm actually commiting a murder' which i like & is funny & she would say that and then theres teh vauge oooohhhhh im so Freaky & I Have A Gun or whatevr like augsugsaihuahahaouoauauoouauoauoauoauuo

also twelve & river had freaky t4t bi4bi aroallo sex after the end of husbands of river song but no actual dw writer is enlightened enough to see that because they have to flatten her into The Doctors Wife & she would have had a far better dynamic with 12 than with 11 (not that i'm biased) i wish they got more time togetherrrrrrrrrrr also you should listen to the bekdel test (diary of river song audio with missy)

[radio-writes]

These asks seemed similar to me so I thought I'd tackle them in one go.

What I think of Alastor The Radio Demon

I've never really done a character analysis before so I'm not sure how to go about it. Honestly, I had to rewrite this several times to trim it down. 

I put little footnotes here and there for parts that I think ruined the flow of thought, and weren't essential but still figured were worth a mention. Corresponding footnotes can be found below the lower divider for any interested.

The way I see Alastor, and how I try to write him, is that he's smart—terrifyingly so—and emotional. 

I mean we all know he's basically a textbook manipulator. He's charming, great at reading people, and brilliant enough to know exactly what to say and when to say it. 

He's so gifted at charming people that a fair portion of the fandom's basically head over heels for him—despite the fact that based on what we've seen in the series, he's an objectively despicable person.

And he's so good at manipulating people that, again, a huge portion of the fandom thinks he actually sees the hotel gang as friends/family now. Hell—a lot of people even believed him when he said he cared for Charlie like a daughter.

Add his brains and his skill of wrapping people around his clawed finger, to his god-complex1 and selfishness, and what you'll see is that, on paper, he should absolutely be the big bad of the show.

Except...he currently isn't; and I don't think he will be although it would surely be fun to see how that would go.

Because as much as he is terrifyingly evil, he is also, extremely driven by his emotions.

I know it sounds like a bit of an ass-pull.

Alastor being emotional? The same demon that doesn't drop his smile even when having a whole mental breakdown? The same demon who doesn't bat an eye at a hotel patron dying?

Well, yes. Because there's more to feelings other than sadness and love and care.

There's anger, there's hope, there's desperation, there's pride, there's hate.

And I think Alastor is absolutely driven by these and more.

As said by the most darling, delightful, dangerous overlord over one side of the pentagram,

"words are cheap, but actions, they speak the truth."

As much as Alastor wants to think he's in control, we've seen his emotions come first before rational thinking. 

His pride has absolutely taken over him. He thinks he's above it all, untouchable, unreachable. Because he's so clever, so strong, so charming, and it has more or less gotten him everything he's wanted.

But it's this pride of his that has also lead to his most glaring flaws.

Alastor's first instinct was to lower Lucifer in any way that he could—leverage whatever he did have that Lucifer didn't (height, a relationship with Charlie etc.). Because Al knew that Lucifer was inherently stronger than him, better than him—and he hated that.

His pride couldn't stand the blow, and that—along with feelings of irritation and likely insecurity— is what drove his actions for most of that episode; overtaking even his usually smart wits.2

But it's not just negative emotions.

If Alastor being a mama's boy is still canon, then even his relationships are steered by emotions too, whether he's aware of it or not.

His love for his mother influences his biases towards women. How he judges and approaches them miles more fairly than he does men.

Hell, his whole persona—the transatlantic accent, the radio theme, the over the top silly jokes, his laugh even!—all a by product of his passion for being a radio host.

But why does being emotional mean Alastor won't be the antagonist in the show, you ask?

Well because, being emotional is such a humane thing. It shows weakness, vulnerability. Something the show has often used as leeway to develop and redeem its characters.

While I don't think Alastor has the best intentions coming into the hotel—or even at the point of the season 1 finale really—I do think him being this emotional of a person shows that there is some chance of him genuinely growing fond of the gang, and then settling into the found family at some point in the future.

It may not be a conscious choice, it may take some pushing and pulling, it may take the whole run of the series, but Alastor is capable of caring. And when he feels something he feels it to a point past his own rational thinking.

Would love to see him try to betray the hotel though as some last minute attempt to maintain an evil persona.

Now this doesn't exactly mean I can see Alastor ascending into heaven not unless they drag him kicking and screaming.3 But I do think that in the end, he'll find some sort of other form of "redemption," one that he would actually like.

Perhaps it's coming to terms with the fact that he is mortal and that is okay and it doesn't mean he's any weaker or any lesser. And that even if it did, it shouldn't matter.

Honestly, I'd be more terrified of him once he's come to that point. The only weakness Alastor right now has—aside from whatever deal it is that he made—is his ego.

You could probably get away or manipulate him back if you struck at it, but once he's all done with hotel therapy time and has his emotions under control? That man's going to be unstoppable and I fear for all of hell.

Maybe Charlie should let him keep his issues after all?

1 I find Alastor's god-complex extremely ironic. Oh, he definitely has it. My best guess is that it stemmed from his serial killing days.

If the previous source saying that he killed on a weird moral code (not unlike Dexter) still holds water, then he probably saw himself as some god doing such good work for the people. Judging criminals and delivering punishment.

This whole, "I'm so strong and untouchable even amongst criminals" mentality of his was probably egged on when he got into Hell and he was able to take down big bad overlords with ease. That definitely fed his ego nicely.

Now I say I find it ironic because well, he thinks he's so above it all. So perfect and pristine—nothing like all those other sinners. He doesn't care for senseless killing or stealing jewelry or sex, no he's so much better than that, isn't he?

Well, the way I see it, he's really no different.

*cue angry radio noises*

He cares so much for all the material and outwardly things. Sure, it's not to brag or to be sexy, but you can't tell me that fucker isn't just as vain as say, someone like Velvette.

He'd probably freak if anyone caught him outside of his well tailored suits and impeccable posture. 

To Alastor, image and public opinion must mean so much more than he's willing to admit.

And all that killing the bad guys, killing the criminals, killing the scum of the earth. Oh let's not pretend he does it out of any other reason aside from the fact that he loves it. 

It's an act for power for him, not actually done to protect anybody.

And considering he eats most of his victims now, I'd say he's actually below your average criminal.

On sex—well, fine. He can have that one, I suppose.

But still, the irony that this man thinks he's so above your common everyday sinner is just hilarious to me, because he's exactly just like them.

2 I have seen people say that this is yet another one of Alastor's cleverly planned schemes. That he kept pushing only because he was confident Lucifer wouldn't smite someone Charlie cared about. Which, sure, I could see that being the case later on in their interactions.

But as an introduction? An opening line? When he didn't know Lucifer's temperament, and Lucifer didn't know how much Charlie valued/cared for Al?

No. I genuinely think, that this was purely a gamble on Alastor's part. A slip, a jab that he just had to make to save his own pride.

3 Personally, while I absolutely love all the angelic designs of Al, I really do not want him up in heaven unless it's for comedic purposes or he's grocery shopping for angel meat.

Dude was a serial killer. Granted, he killed criminals. But I've never been a fan of vigilante killings. I mean, who's to say the person he killed actually did the crime though? What if it had been someone who was actually innocent?

And even if they weren't, can you imagine if he killed your parent in your lifetime for say, stealing some bread to feed you? And you're just chilling in heaven and all of a sudden your parent's murderer is redeemed while your parent still rotted in Hell?

I would just start a riot right then and there, damnation be damned.

Besides, red suits Alastor best, anyway.

Tagging @cofeedaifuku because they were the only one out of the three that weren't on anon. Hope my fellow vien and the other anon find this answer anyway.

[dogydayz]

I think one of my favorite parts of the "autistic Shadow" headcanon is the fact that he's designed to be the Ultimate Lifeform. I don't mean this in an annoying, "autism is a superpower" dumb way (even if I do find my own autism to actually be quite helpful at times, the whole concept of calling it that is stupid and used to hurt people like us), I mean it in a "Shadow was genetically engineered to be an Ultimate Lifeform, he's designed to survive and be able to do things no one else can, yet he still struggles with something that could be classified as a disability in his daily life." I dont know if im wording it properly, but there's something about how he's still viewed as that Ultimate Lifeform despite dealing with something that many people would immediately label as a trait that makes someone "inherently" less capable of survival. I know that many folks struggle with autism in way more severe ways than I may (though much of me saying this is kinda me repressing and refusing to acknowledge that it IS still a disability for me, but still, i recognize others DO deal with more severe aspects than I do), however I really just dislike how autistic characters get labeled as inherently "unable" to live "right". He's a character whose whole thing is that he makes his own path for himself, he fights even if the world hates him, he doesn't back down and even when it looks like he is, he's just playing it smart. Even if he does have these struggles, he IS able to find a life for himself, he isn't held down by expectations or what people tell him he is. In fact, that's ANOTHER whole part of him as a character, that he breaks free from what others say he should be. Even if he were confirmed to be autistic, he wouldn't be "the autistic character". He'd still be himself, he'd be Shadow, they'd be confirming that he has certain struggles, but he'd still be /himself/.

His story wouldn't change, he wouldn't be bound by the chains of what people think an autistic character in media should look like, he wouldn't be "the character who's autistic" (as if they aren't all already autistic, but that's a whole different topic lol), he'd just be Shadow, and Shadow would just happen to be autistic.

Again, I may be wording this wrong and if i am PLEASE forgive me, I'm trying so hard to put my thoughts into words,,,

I think this is coming a bit from a place of me seeing Prime Sonic and thinking to myself "holy fucking shit he's got ADHD but it's not shown as all of him". Of course they havent truly confirmed Sonic to be ADHD but like, i think they probably did do it purposefully here, but maybe that's just me? I just see him do stuff and think "wow yeah, I've done that before! And I do it because i have ADHD! and he has some of my struggles!! But his friends still love him even if they're annoyed by him at times, and he still isn't a bad person even if he did fuck up! Any they handle it with nuance that real people experience in life!!"

And that's how I'd see autistic Shadow being handled. He already has a lotta the traits, but they don't confirm it being based on things like sensory overload or whatever, despite the fact that they really could. And even if they did, he'd be handled just as if it were another trait. It wouldn't be some defining attribute to him, him being autistic wouldn't be some selling point, there wouldn't be any "look! There's now an autistic character in this media!!".

But back to the main point.... Basically, him being autistic doesn't make him any less of the Ultimate Lifeform, and I think that's about the most extreme way to get across the point of "being autistic doesn't make you any less of a person or any less important". He was GENETICALLY ENGINEERED. Yet he still is autistic and it was decided "yep we succeeded in creating the Ultimate Lifeform!", so much so that the military wanted to use him as a WEAPON. Nothing about his potential disability made him any less of a success, or any less of a protector to Maria, or any less of a wonderful creation to Gerald, or any less of anything else to anyone he knows.

Something about that is just... a really nice idea to me. Maybe not for everyone, but to me that's inspiring as fuck, and reassuring to, to think about...

[honeymouthedtales]

Its archive anon again. I have a headache and a part of my research paper to submit to my supervisor by 8am. But iotol DH, that fool! Do you reckon his first time with minho made him go for all the fboys? Because it was more familiar? Have been people who could've given dh the softness he craved but he couldn't see it? Maybe even subconsciously ran from it coz the minho trainwreck carved a "rule" about sex and how others see him into his poor head?

Tbh i'm not sure I agree completely. I do agree there was a rule, but I don't think it was mh's fault. The rest of my answer will be hidden because it might contain spoilers, so open it at your own risk.

First, Mh was indeed a fuckboi but he wasn't one to dh - or better, he couldn't dare being a fuckboi to dh bc dh would've clapped him like he did with his friend at the karaoke room if mh had tried to treat him like shit. Dh has dealt with being an omega and what comes with it, the kind of treatment you receive, all his life, and yet he was a well-adjusted boy with normal friendships and relationships (mk hovering threateningly next to him might've helped). He would not take shit from anyone, and i'm talking shit like fucking him and then leaving him heartbroken. It was not something mh could've done to dh bc dh would never let him.

In fact, between us, I believe dh could've seduced mh. And I think he did, a little, but also he went to him with a fwb only application and dumped him after that one time they were together, so maybe dh was the fuckboi in this situation? Let's just say that they were two people that didn't want more than what they got through their arrangement, and even stayed friends afterward /because/ dh was sure of the terms of their r/s, and knew that he had no lingering feelings for mh except for maybe sadness bc he knew mh would've found a gf and lived a happy life while dh himself wasn't sure he could do the same. This said, dh could've totally had mh... if he had wanted him. But he didn't.

And I know in the fic it's clear he has convinced himself that no one wants him, he's undeserving of love bla bla bla, he mopes about that all the time, and that's the consequence of both general social conditioning and also some specific things that happened to him. But beyond his skewed world views, the truth is that he himself didn't want any of those people, he never cared for any of them. If he had wanted someone, like truly wanted them, i am 100% convinced he would be with them bc he's a good person, he's handsome, he's smart, being an omega makes him like inherently sexy. Like, he could totally seduced someone.

But he never even tried. Clearly he doesn't want those people. And he only ever goes for people he doesn't want. Like, i'm sure someone would've been happy to date him at some point, i'm sure gay alphas exist, but dh doesn't go for them, he doesn't go for people that could try to establish a connection with him or want to date him, but only for people who won't represent anything for him and wouldn't come back to look for him (younghoon was a mistake he regretted lol).

You might be able to connect the dots now. Idk how many people will read this reply and whether this counts as a spoiler, i think most readers won't read it anyway so it's safe to say it for those few who will. Dh will never like anyone but mk. This is how i envisioned the story since the beginning. He's never liked anyone but mk, he won't like anyone but mk. He doesn't even know it yet. Like, now maybe he's starting to catch up because they've met again, but all that time they were apart, he surely wasn't aware he liked mk, but he instinctively stayed away from potential r/s, and then conveniently blamed it on being unloved boohoo. Like, his low self-esteem is a real issue here, (and the way he got it might also partly be related to mk) but it makes him unable to see what lays underneath. That's the way I have envisioned dh's character since the beginning.

Iotol starts with mk thinking about a quote about destiny and being fated pairs, but in this verse there is no scientific way to prove anything like that exists. But if something like being fated to be with each other exists, I think iotol mh could be like that, with the only difference between them was that mk got his sexual awakening earlier and was aware of it, but dh presented away from mk and didn't have a chance to meet mk in person for over an year after his sexual awakening so he just floundered about unhappy like a lady at the supermarket that only wanted that specific brand of almond cookies but she can't find them so she just grab the most discounted no-brand packet of cookies bc she needs to eat even if she hates eating them.

[queerprayers]

i'd really like to compliment the thoughtfulness and generosity of thought and time on your blog, first of all. i spent a lot of time reading it today, and it resonated with me a lot. i was raised by two atheists who are smart people in many ways but live in the 'all organized religion is dum and evil' camp. i've had to unlearn their beliefs/fight them on antisemitism and islamophobia for most of my adolescence and adulthood. in terms of personal faith, i have firmly believed for a long time that 'there is no god' is an ontologically unprovable belief that i could never feel comfortable espousing, but i still never understood the purpose of organized or personal worship until the last month. it took me many years that get that god is not an authoritarian dad looking over your shoulder and criticizing you but can be something a great deal more unknowable and complicated and on-my-side than that.

but i was wondering: do you have any advice for someone balancing their curiosity about faith and their weird nostalgia about the Rituals of catholic school with their fears that a) they are wishy-washily turning to it just for kicks in a year when they've lost a lot, and shouldn't talk to anyone about it, b) they are just unconsciously emulating their partner, who is a queer catholic with a personal theology they admire. i have always found something religion-shaped in mountains and rivers and the sky and the love of other people, and that's never going to change. but the idea that i could or do want Something Else , and that christian beliefs resonate with me, is scaring me because of all of the identity fluctuations i've ever experienced, it's not one i've thought i'd ever see. it feels like a very scary thing to talk to people about in real life, even though the two closest people in my life would both have a lot to discuss with me about it.

Welcome, beloved! Thank you for your kind words! I pray this will resonate with you as well.

I'm proud of you for working to unlearn some of your parents' beliefs—I really respect people who recognize the harm religion has done, but you're right, you can't condemn it inherently without bigotry/racism. We all have to choose what belief/tradition to take with us, and I admire you so much for recognizing that you'd have to leave that behind. And I love your changing understanding of God—there are many gods I don't believe in, and an authoritarian dad looking over our shoulders to criticize us is one of them! Acknowledging the Mystery is such a beautiful thing.

Curiosity and nostalgia and ritual-seeking are factors that bring a lot of people to faith! Those aren't stupid reasons—they're parts of you that recognize something meaningful there, and want to explore it! Similarly, many people turn to faith when they're hurting. This has definitely been painted in a bad light, but to me it makes so much sense. It's so much easier to claim you understand the universe and everything's rational and knowable, when you're comfortable with where you are and confident in where you're going. Losing things brings a realization of our lack of control, our complete lack of knowledge in how everything works. Seeking more, seeking mystery when we are hurting is a completely reasonable response.

Seeking what we need, like comfort, in faith is not evil. We all need to be comforted, and believing in love is what many hurting people need. This doesn't mean religion is stupid—in fact, the fact that it seems to be the practice best equipped to help hurting people would point to it being one of the most valuable things of all! If a worldview can only accommodate people who are confident/in control/have everything they need, I don't think very much of it at all. (Of course I know there are many nonreligious worldviews that accommodate hurting people, and I respect them. I also know that there is organized religion that will take advantage of those who have lost things, and I condemn that wholeheartedly. Faith at its best, though, welcomes those hurting in a way I rarely see in other places.)

We don't want to create a faith practice that only serves us when we're hurting—but we should always carry our hurting with us as we find what we're looking for. Don't only hurt your way into faith—but bring the loss with you.

Whatever your reasons for being drawn to faith, even if you think they're bad reasons, are real reasons that can serve you. Wanting comfort/ritual is a completely natural response to the world, and finding what you need in practices that are designed for people wanting those things is the perfect reason to come to them!

Many people convert to their partner's religion—obviously there's lots of historical/cultural reasons for this, and in some cases it is out of pressure or because that's just what you do—but it's not crazy and doesn't inherently mean you lack autonomy. Getting to know someone deeply involves learning what they value and how they see things. Loving someone completely means loving those practices and perspectives. I think interfaith relationships are perfectly possible and healthy, but I can't imagine a relationship with someone of a different faith/worldview if I did not love theirs and they loved mine—I have trouble with friendships where that love is not present!

You admiring and caring about your partner and their faith has included listening to and learning about their faith, and seeing how they live it out—it makes complete sense that this draws you to this or similar faiths! You were brought up thinking that this is dumb and evil, and now you're in a relationship with someone who identifies with and practices a faith. Often people don't truly understand religion until they're exposed to someone who has it as part of them.

This is all to say that valuing a practice more because someone you love practices it is, of course, subjective and biased, and it is also beautiful and holy. Every faith is subjective and biased. I am Christian partially because my parents are Christian—because I was brought up in this faith, and it is my home. If you are connecting with something because it's something that's a part of your life (catholic school and now a catholic partner)—that's kind of how connection works? I don't know if that counts as "unconsciously emulating" but like, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with connecting to something so much, seeing it all around you, that you're drawn to it? (My favorite movies consist solely of movies I have seen, and they're all ones I watched at a point in my life when they were meaningful to me. These aren't stupid reasons to like a movie—they're the only reasons to like a movie.)

Honestly if a faith is not something that comforts you, not something that you're drawn to when you experience loss, not something that satisfies desires for ritual, not something that holds your childhood self close but also reflects your changing worldviews, not something that is a part of your life and that you've seen lived out in beautiful ways, I would actually advise against becoming a part of it! I would list these things as essential reasons! It doesn't mean you have to, but it means you have good reasons. This doesn't sound just for kicks—you're thinking about this a lot, and reaching out to someone for advice, and taking it seriously. And many faith changes happen kind of suddenly, anyway—this doesn't sound sudden, but if it was, there are many beautiful examples of people all at once realizing what they're meant for.

"Religion-shaped" is a great phrase! Whether or not you find your way to a specific practice, knowing that you have those connections and appreciations is beautiful and valuable. However your identity changes, whatever practices find their way into your life, you have mountains and rivers and sky and love. You have God, in whatever ways you learn to find Them.

It's acknowledge it's scary to find your way to something your younger self would never have guessed! We surprise ourselves sometimes, and it's terrifying! But I give you permission to be scared and to surprise yourself. To honor who you'd thought you'd be and to change. We know we can't see the future, but we still find ourselves arriving in a future we didn't see and being surprised about it. This change—let it break down more walls. This mystery that's always with you—welcome it as you unlearn and relearn.

Know that you can always change again. That opening up to people about something you might want doesn't mean you always have to want it. That beginning a practice is not a promise to always practice it. That breaking down walls doesn't mean you can never rebuild them, and saying a truth doesn't set it in stone.

It's so often easier to open up to people we don't have a personal relationship with! I'm so grateful that what I write resonates with you, but (sorry) we still don't actually know each other, and you also have the space to be anonymous—that's probably really nice for you right now! Me and most of the queer people I know came out to random people on the internet before people in real life—inherently because we cared about/knew them less. Those we care about most can be the scariest to open up to, because we have the most riding on their response. Of course I encourage you to tell them at least some of what you've told me—it sounds like they'd love to hear about it and would accept these changing parts of you. Don't wait till you have it all figured out to share it—that won't really ever happen, and I'm guessing you'll regret not letting in as you figure it out. But give yourself grace, honor your privacy and time. They're there when you're ready.

It's scary to change, it's scary to question our worldviews, it's scary to admit our vulnerabilities and our need for something greater than ourselves, it's scary that people might think you have bad reasons for your beliefs/choices. But the people that you love you want your fear too. They know you'll change—everyone does. If they only loved you if you stayed static, if you only made logical unbiased decisions, if your circumstances didn't affect what you value—that's not loving a person. It sounds like you trust them and know that they would welcome these questions and want to talk about them. Go to the mountains and the rivers and the sky and go to them, the love of other people. That's where God will be—with you already, walking with you on the road, and there waiting for you. (There's a trinity right there!) Mystery and paradox and comfort and ritual and the simplest and most terrifying thing in the world.

I'm in your corner. I don't know the road ahead of you but I know you have so much beautiful time. I can't see the future but I know it will surprise you. God be with your going out and your coming in, from this time forth forevermore. May your ways be safe and your homecomings joyful. Now we know in part, but someday we will know fully, even as we are fully known, face to face.

<3 Johanna

[magnoliamyrrh]

i find the whole conversation around self-dxing to be interesting too because while self-dxing can indeed be dangerous and bad, on the other hand i am also quite anti-psychiatry, if youve got something youve obviously got it without a diagnosis, and getting a diagnosis can be hard af

like idk i think way too many ppl push this "go get therapy go get professional help and evaluation!!!" thing all the time. as if many therapists and psychs arent stupid af, as if they cant be wrong, as if they cant further traumatize someone, as if they can't be smart and kind ppl but Still get things wrong. and as if the entire psych system for the most part isnt fucked in manyyy ways...... like... yea, if you can and find a good one go i guess depending on circumstance... but you better take everything they say with a grain of salt too, wtf

.... yes teenagers and in general young ppl self diagnoing themselves with 2000 things is harmful. they may be doing it either for attention, because its cool and trendy, bc theyve actually got histrionic or mauchausens, bc theyre pathologizing normal human reactions, or bc theyve not done enough actual research and went off of articles which explain things in such a way that frankly most humans would relate. or they may confuse disorders among each other, or they may not be pragmatic enough abt it. yes this is a huge issue. weve got 20000 teenagers and young adults and even some adults running around saying theyve got turrets or did or autism or bpd or ocd or whatever the hell is trendy. psych wards for symptoms and conditions (which are themselves often imperfect) have been watered down to an extreme and are thrown around. therapy talk is being used to make excuses for behavior which should not be excused

...... at the same time. yea self diagnosis isnt inherently harmful all the time. the ppl who say otherwise and are 2000% certain only docs can tell u shit arent skeptical enough of docs. with some things its obvious. i didnt need any doctor to tell me i had anorexia nervosa or bulimia lmaoooo that shit was obvious and clear as day. i didnt need to be told i had bpd, i caught on at a young age i had it, and bc i neither could go to therapy nor wanted to, i spend years understanding that disorder on every which side and way and recovering from it myself. it saved my life. i dont even wanna know how bad things would have been if i didnt accept i had that and understood it - and yea, i didnt need no doctor to tell me to know. and low and behold, docs agree i used to have bpd, still hsve some symptoms, but have mostly recovered from it. funnily enough i caught onto having some sort of osdd/did years ago, than denied it completely to myself for years, than i couldnt ignore it and deny it anymore. ended up getting a diagnosis for that too. :/ i figured i had adhd for years on end but docs either thought it was something else or i wouldn't bring it up much. low and behold i have a diagnosis and the high doses of adhd meds i can handle without feeling st all "drugged out" are proof that i do actually have adhd

if anything lmaoo i have personal experience with having a crazy psych. a woman who mistook cptsd&osdd/did for bipolar disorder, gave me drugs literally illegally which ate at my body and told me not to tell anyone, and also yelled at me that i was crazy. had a therapist who thinks being molested makes ppl homosexual and that step-parent sexual attraction is normal on some level.....;;;; like;;;;;;..... yea. the psychs and therapists arent some sort of final say people. they can be crazy and they can be wrong

and the idea that Inherently someone with bpd, or did/osdd or whatever else Cant Know of their disorder before being told (tho the latter was actually suggested to me many yrs ago by someone) is just. wrong and harmful frankly. yea in some cases pls dont know, or theyre in extreme denial (like with anorexia). but not with all. not with all. 👀 my psychs found it surprising how self aware i was, impressive, but they did not think this was some sort of disqualification

idk. yea. like. theres definetely issues around self-dex especially in the hell were living today but acting like its Always Inherently Bad and Will Never Help and docs are some sort of authority who are the only ones with some say... ,,,, yeaaaa. no. that's also dangerous

[brw]

I've noticed the difference in how Hank acts around Simon too. I've always headcanon'd that Hank feels more at ease and relaxed around Simon. Simon probably reminds Hank of his childhood, and is something of a personal 'what if' for him. Simon, to him, is basically a look at what Hank could've been if he became a lazy, easygoing slacker instead of an emotionally detached scientist, and he knows he would've been happier, even if not as smart. He brings out his long repressed emotions. I think that vulnerability scares Hank on some level, but he does deeply care for him. Hank's devotion to the X-Men is, ultimately, more of a toxic one and keeps him further and further detached from humanity. Simon brings out the inherent human nature inside of him. Although Hank is probably still a bit insecure about finding him attractive, if he admitted it and pursued it, he probably wouldn't be so messed up these days. But Hank is still too stubborn and proud to admit any of it right now.

Oooh, yeah, I think that's a good point. I do think definitely Simon reminds Hank of himself a little, at least initially; while the Avengers were a good place for Hank to be, he did feel like an outcast still; everyone else had established relationships and knew each other really well, and of course aside from Vision he's the only visibly nonhuman. And the Avengers like him, but I think it's fair to say they don't do that much to make him feel as welcomed as they could have done. So when Simon comes back, and has no idea what's going on or who anyone is I think Hank is incredibly sympathetic to him but also, selfishly, is excited to build his own relationship with someone who isn't part of another half, the way Vision and Wanda or Janet and Hank or Steve and Tony were parts of a half.

And like, to be fair, he learns an awful lot about Simon in a very short period of time; Avengers #160 is like a week after he joins the team so Hank learns very shortly that Simon had an abusive situation with his elder brother, that his body has changed in a massive way that he doesn't understand and that's scary, and that he's incredibly uncertain of his own relationship to the rest of the team. There's a lot there that Hank can not only see himself in re: your body changing suddenly and rapidly and not knowing how to adapt to it, and uncertainty of your place. But also he learns very soon on that Simon's had a bit of a hard childhood and to this day we have so little information of what Simon did in his childhood that I think it's very likely he just never really had friends, so obviously Simon needs a friend and I think that, being able to play the part of the savvy, cultured friend helping Simon experience the world he was always too busy studying to look at is really good for Hank. It lets him build his own identity on the Avengers and as a result I think Simon really symbolises that era of his life, when he was happier and more carefree and didn't have to justify to himself having a good time when people were in danger.

And yes absolutely the X-Men are something regressive for Hank that really isn't healthy for him. Because it's not good when you're only a part of a team because you feel indebted to an aspect of your identity you actively resent some days, when your girlfriend breaks up with you for changing and you have to relearn everything with paws instead of hands, etc. The X-Men face so much hatred and bigotry and I think that makes Hank's sense of identity with his own mutanthood more confused, because so much of it is defined by oppression and giant genocidal robots and stuff when you're on that team, vs the Avengers where anti-mutant racism is still a thing but there's a lot of other stuff going on too.

Plus, I think a problem with it too is that a lot of X-Men, by virtue of being a minority group and being leaders of a minority group, have a "the ends justify the means" mentality. Charles will meddle in people's minds when necessary, as will Jean and Emma. Scott was very willing to do questionable acts during the Utopia era to ensure survival. Logan will kill people if it means mutants survive, etc etc. And I don't think any of those people would go as far as current era Hank has but I do think it's not a mistake that around the X-Men his own sense of morality slips. Because when you're facing genocide every two years, it makes sense that you would do anything you could to prevent it. And I think that's what happened to Hank, where he's really internalised the lesson that anything is justifyable if it ensures survival. And he's lost his own sense of what he personally will and won't do, because he's no longer an individual with the X-Men, but part of a collective and willing to do anything to perserve that collective.

Ultimately what Hank really needs is a moral compass. And Simon, who as I said was abused as a child and in turn acted abusive to Vision in the past, has a very strong understanding of what people are capable of but also knows through Eric and himself that people can choose what kind of person they are. And modern day Simon especially is very careful to choose the best option, to not allow himself to be part of a cycle of violence that took his childhood from him, and in turn I do think that's genuinely inspirational to Hank. I keep mentioning it, but Uncanny Avengers v3 #28 is still like, probably the best thing Hank's been in modern days and I'm barely joking.

Like, Hank is aware of his own flaws but he doesn't exactly like to be harshly confronted with them, which is much more what happens in Uncanny X-Men 600, and he reacts in a much more upset way rather than what happens in Uncanny Avengers.

I just feel very strongly the text of these comics really ends up being that the Avengers are in every way a better place for Hank. He's more confident, he doesn't feel the need to try as hard, he's more morally astute, he's a good friend and he is willing to reach out to people and admit his own short comings with them. But on the X-Men, because he's giving so much of himself to them he reacts angrily and defensively when they rightfully call out his flaws. It's just a bad place for him to be in and it really is the Avengers and further more, Simon, where Hank is his best self.

Anyway, that last part, yeah if Hank could just like... idk learn what bisexuality was and come to terms with that part of himself more he'd be better off for it (not least because Marvel is too scared to let a queer character be evil these days it seems Sinister doesn't count). Unfortunately again, the X-Men are just a bad place for Hank so that is never happening there!

[purrincess-chat]

I must admit that the idea of prpr is so deeply ingrained in the fandom culture that it's hard to give up on it. I saw lots of old fanarts of Adrienette, and they all are supposed to be post-reveal. I remember reading a reddit post saying that Adrienette basically cannot happen pre-reveal. Even when S5 has started airing, fans speculated that if they dated pre-reveal, there wouldn't be more than one date, and then they would inevitably break up. I think those who are upset about pre-reveal Adrienette, are mostly upset about the fact that they couldn't foresee that.

I've talked about this a little before, but fandom is a double edged sword. It's perfectly fine to speculate about what you think is going to happen or to come up with headcanons or AUs or silly ideas that are fun, but that's all they are. Speculation and fun. You have to draw a line between canon and fanon and also recognize that all of these analysis posts (even mine) while they may sound smart and true, we are all operating off of limited information, and therefore none of our takes are 100% accurate. People get stuff wrong all the time because new episodes come out that completely change the game. The analysis I wrote yesterday could be completely uprooted by a single episode if canon so decided. That's why I tell people to take everything you read in fandom with a grain of salt. Because even the "smartest" and most well thought out takes can be wrong because we don't have all of the episodes. I'm not an authority on this show by any means, nor is any other fan. Even the fans that got hired by Zag aren't privy to every single detail about the show. They know what they're told, and even then, stuff can change last minute. It's fine to speculate about what we think is going to happen, but if we're wrong, that's not canon's fault.

And look, prpr is a fun idea in fanon, but I never foresaw it being canon. Look at the what if episodes, those two jumped immediately to being a couple, so I never had a reason to think the actual reveal would be any different. The thing about building up these fanon ideas in your head is it sets an unrealistic expectation for canon, and you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You have to separate the two. Keep fanon in fandom, and let canon tell the story it intends to. Because the thing is, we aren't the ones in the writing room. We don't know all of their plans or what things need to happen in order for the plot to work. We can speculate all day long based on the little clues we have, but canon can still throw a curve ball. I mean, after the s4 finale, did we expect to get reverse love square and canon Adrinette midway through s5? Clearly not 😂 But here we are. Canon is going to do what canon is going to do whether we like it or not. It's fine to not particularly like some decisions canon makes, everyone has preferences, but to say canon is ruined or bad or should have done some popular fan idea instead is not only entitled behavior it's also childish lol. Canon is ruined for you. And that's fine. But it doesn't mean canon is inherently bad just because you didn't care for the direction it's going in. A lot of people would do well to remember they are one person, and no one is making them watch. If they don't like canon anymore, don't watch it anymore. 🤷‍♀️ As some have pointed out, there are tons of shows that do high school romance better, so go watch one of those.

Idk, I think people are crossing too many lines and blurring fanon with canon. Fan ideas are meant to be fun for fans, not to influence and predict canon. If something makes it into the show or we guess something correctly, great, but that's not guaranteed or owed to us. There also isn't a rule that says if canon contradicts your fan idea that you have to stop doing it in fandom? Fans can still write, draw, and make headcanons for prpr or romantic LadyNoir if they want, but like it or not, Adrinette is still canon, yall. Even all the way up to episode 20, and I doubt it's going to change in the last few episodes. Get used to it. Or go watch something else idc 🤷‍♀️

[iarshiastuff]

All in my head

Sometimes i remind myself that life isn't so black and white, as much being analytical in grey be my most comfort zone, i can't help but have feelings which aren't so logical. No i don't do this to impress others who are a tad too emotional?, they are usually discourse poisoned and shallow so i have come to despise them the most. Which is why i wish i didn't have something somewhat common to them, but oh well can't help it la la 🎵 we're all human afterall. If humanity were aware of their every action and look at themselves exactly as they are without any alterations, it wouldn't take long to realize that nothing is obsolute, it's all a silent room where they fill it with their own noise and pretend it came from anywhere but themselves. Nothing is except the way nature intended to be. So many fights, belitteling and shaming done to someone because people think they have the right reasons, but truth is, there are no reasons to be an energy sucking vampire. Perhaps i could look at nature and think that i should not become so worse to someone unless i keep myself protected from them. I realize, i may have forgotten, legit, how most of humankind can be, so i keep looking at my screen and feel disgust at tons of people who i do not know, because the things they say just don't eve feel fake, but fake in a mean spirited way toppled with "i am a good moral person who is making the world a better place", it feels like they are a control freak mostly. But i just wonder "This isn't my world right? Please tell me the world outside the screen is anything but like the screen" the answer may be debatable, but i can give a sigh of relief when i realize that its still not the same. I never knew how sick these people- no, specific-traits-layered-upto-one-trait makes me feel. But humanity isn't ready to embrace its both sides isn't it, you wanna show one side, you show one side, but pretending to be an angel does hurt. No one is inherently a devil either, but we will tear those down who hurt us, as if we are hurting the devil himself. I don't think humans should think they are near to the standards of both A&Ds. I realize, i may have been a peculiar person my whole life, and i am actually proud of it. Yes, from being a smart precocious preteen making philosophies in my room and who could make the older ladies jealous if i wasn't so sheltered; to a teen who can immersely experience the world- different perspectives and being a jewellery ethusiast who can withstand storms - i own all of it, i have experienced being myself in my shoes and and i from the bottom of my heart sincerely do not care to soothe you if this is too much for you. I am not heartless, i very much have the ability to feel sadness (yes, not faking it) for even something which you would least expect me to feel sad for given the way i am. My driver may be abducting people and i wouldn't know, but i'd still treat him with general courtesy. Mom used to warn me and got it clear in my head not to trust a stranger on street, i would look at an evil looking man and think maybe he could kill me, but i minded my business. If something which isn't my business does not sit right with me, i will express my feelings as well as keeping in mind that i cannot control said person, and no poisonous energy will be fed to such person.

[lorddeathofmurdermountain]

The original sarcastic remark is strange to me. As a child I was always taught to be super careful on the internet - my parents would even scare me with stuff like if I tell strangers where I live, a white van could show up and they could snatch me away. Most of the time I didn't even communicate with strangers, and if I did I pretended, to the best of my ability, to be an adult, or at least older - not just because it made things easier and made me feel better, but it also made me safer as an added benefit. Today some people my age and even older don't seem to understand this, though, and give unlimited access to the internet to their very young children, and then are shocked when said unsupervised kids see awful, horrifying things, or are just misinformed.

Bring back the era of one community PC per house, that's in the living room where the kids can be monitored with ease, please. None of this tablet or smart phone bullshit. I get that today kids have an awful little to do outside due to hostile urban planning (well, depending on where you live), but sticking a tablet in their hands and sending them off so you don't have to actually be a parent is an awful thing to do and should constitute child abuse - it's no different than your kid growing up on the streets, they CAN grow up into fine or at least law-abiding people, but that's not quite that likely. In fact, depending on where you live, the internet can be way worse than the streets.

I'm looking at you, lazy rich parents. You're bastards. My dad at one time worked two jobs and my mom often worked double shifts and both would take as much time as they physically could to raise me and my sister to the best of their capabilities. Even when they were angry or sad, even if they made mistakes they made sure to be as fair and good as they could manage. Sure, they made mistakes, sometimes ones they couldn't even just apologize for to make right, but they did their absolute best and for that they can't be anything but the best parents in the world, despite any misgivings I may have had, or still have.

Parents who don't do their best shouldn't be parents at all. Parents who only have kids because they think it's an obligation for married couples shouldn't be parents. If you feel anything less than pure adoration and love for your child, your ass should have the kid taken away, along with half of your paycheck to help whomever has to bring your kid up for you, you worthless pieces of trash. I've had friends who clawed their way out of such neglectful families and made something of themselves, and I know for a fact I probably couldn't have managed it myself. I've even had the displeasure to meet a truly awful kid who through no fault of his own, was raised awfully and turned out to be a real piece of work that even government mandated child care workers seem to wince at having to work with - I've personally seen him attack grownups physically, lie in such ways that could get you involved with the police and I've even witnessed him suck up to people who he can manipulate, after already behaving badly.

The parents, I feel, aren't BAD people, per se, but they're entirely unsuited for even being married to each other, much less taking care of a kid. In fact, the stuff I vaguely said about this kid doesn't even approach showing how awful he can be, but it still took years for CPS to take him away, and even then he spends like half a year in intervals with his parents ANYWAY.

Let me put this in a simple and short way for the people in the back. Parents who don't put their everything into raising their kid(s) well shouldn't be parents at all!

I'm done watching adults ruin their children and I'm disgusted any time I hear a nurture vs nature argument, knowing full well someone, somewhere is using it as an excuse for their poor parenting. I do believe people have inherent natures, but with good parents it can be overcome. Similarly, good kids can turn bad with bad parenting - in fact, it's something I've observed, that parents stop parenting well if the kid is "mature" and "responsible", which inevitably turns out worse for the kid, too. But enough of that, I've been yapping enough as is. Not like anyone is gonna read this.

totally normal and not deranged thing to say

[creepycrawliesinyourwalls]

rambling; online diary

i truely believe i can do heroin and not be addicted. i've been on dilaudid before, ive gotten high off my ass on weed, i took some vyvanse to see how itd go, and ultimately it was boring. being high is kinda boring. i complain about not having my cart, sure. but being so fr rn i do it for show. no one would ever believe me in a million years, but it is genuinely for show.

i have a hard time defining myself as a person, given the disorders i have. anything and everything that i could add to myself to humanize myself is a positive, never a negative. humanity is by definition flawed and faulty, if i have a flaw im more easily humanized.

im also incapable of being perfect, though if i wasn't abused to the point of my brain never fully forming a cohesive personality, i'm sure id be a prodigy. if my brain genetically disabled, i'd be top of my class, 4.0 gpa with honors.

with dissociative identity disorder, autism, adhd, bipolar 1, ptsd, clinical depression, arfid, and probably some sort of personality disorder, its hard to care about anything at all. these are only the mental and neurological disorders and defects, too.

inherently i was given the worst hand i could have gotten in birth. my potential is wasted, trapped inside this failure of a body. i could have been so much more. my face is somewhat conventionally attractive, so theres a win.

im confident that without my memory issues, joint pain, and depression i could be a full blown doctor. i have to settle for marketing, because my gpa currently is too low to get into engineering. i wanted to do mathematics for awhile to get into finance or something. i wanted to do geology bc my special interest is rocks, but i don't want to work for an oil company.

if i am not constantly improving with my life in any aspects, if i am stagnant for a stretch of time, i consider it a failure.

i do not have a personality, at least nothing coherent and consistent. some people say im loud, some say im shy. sweet, mean, smart, dumb, its all contradictory traits.

i consider myself better then most of the people i choose to be friends with. a good lot of them (danny, chloe, viktor) will probably never go to college. kaden might go, but im sure she'd just party the whole time. alix is maybe the only one who i'd even consider on my level, since he's aiming for law and finds debates enjoyable. he has the drive and determination to do well in life, and is at the very least takes steps to get where he wanted to get.

chloe wanted to get into medicine and be a doctor. she is chronically disabled and was failing half of he classes. from disabled to disabled person, there is no way in hell you are making it that far. id be surprised if she made it past 25, honestly. she viewed mental hospitals as a vacation, even excluding the morals on that view, its incorrect. she believed she wasn't addicted to her medication, and that it actually helped her. she never even tried.

i am beginning to become fond of alix, though. i hope my headmates realize how much better his is compared to others. taylor and vee are already fond of him, which is a good sign.

we seem to be improving our depression symptoms and dissociative amnesia, and we joined a cbt program to further along process after being voluntarily admitted to a psychiatric facility. (yes, we did ask to go. we were going to kill ourselves as soon as we were alone, we needed immediate help.) i want to work on breaking down our gatekeepers resolve, and get us to a place where we can work on final fusion. i would also like to address our npd traits, but our therapist wouldnt believe us, so ill have to work on that myself.

we haven't been practicing our religion as much as we used too, its kind of sad. we send a prayer up to apollo occasionally, and he usually answers. but otherwise we havent done any spell work. its sucks to admit it, and god to i want to delete this paragraph but i need to work on vulnerability to create and foster friendships that are mutually beneficial.

ive never seen the point of online friends, i think the concept is pointless. i've tried doing it, and everytime we ended up ghosting them. the effort did not match the spoils. if im going to have friends, i need them to invest in me before i invest in them. it can be materially, emotionally, or physically. as long as i gain benefits, you will too.

[xaracosmia]

ꕥ — WELCOME TO NEFE COSMIA, HELLA. 🌓

ꕥ  — OOC INFORMATION;

name / alias: clara age: 31 pronouns: any pronouns ooc contact: blackring004 @ twt and malvosia @ tumblr other characters in xc: maki zenin (jjk), zoya (ptn) & c.c. (cg)

ꕥ  — IC INFORMATION;

name: hella age: 17 pronouns: she / her series: path to nowhere canon point: after chapter 13 app triggers: child abuse, human experimentation and persecution.

personality:

hella is the perfect reflection of the fractured world she was born into; all sharp edges and a rough exterior, with colorful language to match her fierce demeanor. having experienced the weaponizations of misplaced trust in the past, hella is immediately skeptical of people's intentions, and won't hesitate to hit first and ask questions later if she feels threatened.

while emotionally immature and easy to provoke, hella has a great sense of justice and a soft spot for those who can't fend for themselves—a knee-jerk reaction directly tied to how she was treated by those who she trusted, making any excuses to deliver judgment herself, so long as it's an achievement within her scope of abilities.

when not immersed in her anger, hella can be an extremely charismatic person who can and will weaponize her personality in order to escape situations… specially the ones she's created herself. it works, for the most part.

something your muse struggles with: self-worth. hella was betrayed, abandoned and mistreated by a lot of people she thought she could trust, resulting in a fragile sense of self-worth which more than often can make her come across as insecure and seek approval from others.

your muse’s greatest strength: loyalty. while not a particularly courageous individual, once she's placed her trust in you, there's little to be done to change her mind. loyalty has put her in situations she would never voluntarily go to out of her own volition, but will not think twice to leap into action even when she's scared out of her mind.

history / background: 

born into the violent and corruption-filled world of syndicate, in no time did hella find herself joining the ever-growing sea of orphaned children. weak in constitution and vulnerable in power, hella was smart enough to figure out her survival depended on others more than herself. too young to know any better, she joins the first group willing to take her in, and hella eagerly joined the first group that extended a welcoming hand, but she soon found herself bearing the blame for their actions on numerous occasions, amassing a rapid succession of criminal records.

when researchers scoured the streets of syndicate in search of test subjects, hella's group dealt the final blow to her trust, callously selling her to them in exchange for beer money. she was experimented on relentlessly, day and night, the gruesome specifics of which hella consciously avoids recalling to this very day. one day, however, her body inexplicably began to heal from all the torment. a success, the researchers would think, even though it was unclear whether they had created a sinner, or if she became one through the sheer agony of their protocol.

this newfound power didn't buy her freedom for a long time, and she was forced to fight others like her and endured further testing until pain would finally, and mercifully, render her unconscious each day. it was within another the laboratory's labelled "monsters" that hella found a rare source of trust.

that "monster" had never seen the sun before, only having known the laboratory her entire life, hella made a promise to change that. though those hands were the same that maimed hella in battle countless times, they were the ones she held onto when they finally escaped, becoming inseparable for years to come.

powers / abilities: 

n/a! while she's a sinner, she doesn't have any notable abilities listed in her lengthy criminal records within the bureau.

inherent abilities:

sinner physiology — in general, being a sinner gives them an upper hand in a lot of areas where humans lack.

enhanced strength — being a sinner under the violence libram, she's got more strength than her tiny frame lets on. while not as strong as other sinners, she's definitely stronger than a human.

accelerated healing — not particularly notable when compared to that of other sinners; just enough to make her self-sustainable in dire situations.

items / weapons:

water pipe — just a regular ol' water pipe, nothing special to it. she likes to swing it around and break people's kneecaps with it.

starting ability: n/a

starting item: water pipe

extra:

she's committed 26 thefts, 35 scams and 5 kidnappings. that's her criminal record, do with that information what you will.

illiterate and self-conscious about it. please be nice to her.

"baby princess sweetie honey angel biting me so hard cutiepie honeybun breaking my kneecaps" — chief.

discord id: street.justice

[deanon]

sighs and reblogs because I’ve had to talk to my conservative dad about this and I have a little insight into how, specifically, Fox News works as effective propaganda here.

the easiest way to put it is: a lot of men on the right would love to have gotten rich off selfish scams, and are just mad they weren’t smart and advantaged enough to pull it off.

Being in power and privilege often feels like an insecure position, and white men can feel this insecurity very viscerally. Exerting power constantly and indiscriminately is the cheap and easy way to hang onto it. Trump is a manifestation of all the unearned bullshit power that inherited wealth and race offer, and that is the appeal. A black person, a woman, or any minority could never have pulled off what Trump has because so much of his power is based on cashing in privileges.

In the perspective of a Fox News viewer, this flaunting of power is itself powerful. They have long felt entitled to dominating people purely because of who they are and not because of their own merits. Trump lives out that power fantasy, and they vicariously through him.

On the contrary, Walz is a good (ish) man because of his actions and accomplishments. He has yielded to others when it was best for the group to do so. He has listened, learned, and changed his mind on various occasions.

These viewers do not want to change their mind. They do not want to listen with empathy and openness to people who disagree with them. They certainly do not want to give up even a sliver of the systemic power they do have just because someone else is disempowered when they exercise it. And Fox “News” is right there to say: you don’t have to. The people trying to name and confront your unearned privilege are trying to ruin your life, actually, because they hate you, and you don’t have to listen to them.

Refusing to fully exercise your power over others is to them weak. It requires humility and trust and empathy towards people they do not respect, and they are eager for anyone to tell them they don’t have to do that. The average Fox viewers wants to believe (if they are reasonably well off) that they deserve their privilege or (if they are not) that they have been denied something that they are owed.

Fox viewers are sucked in by the claim that their current struggles are the fault of degenerates and their successes are a product of their own inherent goodness. That other people’s struggles are because of their degeneracy and their successes are unearned opportunities stolen from good people. This is an easy, psychologically appealing message for most people if they can believe that they and theirs all fall into the “good people” category. (All people are somewhat vulnerable to this fallacy, but Fox News made a business model out of it.)

Walz, with his fostering of “degeneracy” and his lifetime of service before going into politics, does not fit this narrative. Most of them have not and do not want to do what Walz has done to earn his power, which makes them feel even more insecure in the unearned power they do have. Trump, who did not earn any of his successes and is as clearly “degenerate” as a president has ever been, is in fact a perfect encapsulation of how they want power to work.

In their eyes they get power because they deserve it, and if you try to take it away by exerting your own power (to, for example, live your gender in a way that makes them uncomfortable) then they are within their rights to use that power against you. It is good to do that, actually. Exercising that power is how we build and maintain a moral and strong society.

Trump’s entitlement towards power, wealth, violence, sex, and law is the whole point. Nobody wants to have to earn what they already feel entitled to.

Trump: lifetime of selfish scams.

Walz: military service, public service, lifetime of accomplishments for others.

[elenajohansenreads]

Books I Read in 2023

#3 - The Three-Body Problem, by Cixin Liu, translated by Ken Liu

Rating: 1/5 stars

As far as I can tell, the only thing this book has going for it is the novelty of it being Chinese. Yes, before this Chinese sci-fi wasn't available to English-speaking readers. Yes, it's an interesting experience to read sci-fi produced by a culture that isn't my own. I value both of those statements being true and would love to read more sci-fi in translation.

Too bad I couldn't find anything inherently interesting about the work itself. There's nothing it did or tried to do that another author I've read hasn't already done better.

[past here we enter massively spoilered territory with a bonus of nitpicky ranting about one mishandled plot device, consider the above your TL;DR if you still want to read this book yourself someday]

I don't have problems with the premise, and only minor ones with the resulting plot: I have great difficulty suspending my disbelief in regards to so many people turning traitor to Earth, and without that certainty, the story fails. The ETO was functionally a cult in many ways, and I understand that cults can have extraordinary influence on their members, but the narrative takes great and repetitive pains to tell me that nearly all ETO members were social, political, or scientific elite--ie, not stupid country bumpkins. (There was a lot of classism in this book, and not just in the Cultural Revolution segments.) But fine, sure, let's have a doomsday future where an incipient alien invasion freaks people out to the point where they want their own planet taken over.

A more serious issue I have with the book is its quiet sexism. There are only two named female characters I can recall, one whose death could arguably be called an inciting incident for the modern-day plot line (or at least an entry point into it for one protagonist,) and the second is our other protagonist. (ETA: I remembered a third minor female character whose importance to the plot is negligible.) However, our lady protagonist is also the first and most serious traitor to the human race...not a great look for women, thanks. The Cultural Revolution plot line is entirely about her and presumably meant to guide the reader to understanding the forces that shaped this woman into the person who could betray the Earth so completely, but a) that's such a repugnant viewpoint to me personally I can't find myself sympathetic to her, and b) even if I could (or I could suspend my disbelief better for more interesting characters and moral quandaries) I don't really see how we get from point A to inviting an alien invasion. This may simply be something that would read better if I were Chinese and had the personal-cultural experience to access the history more fully, but obviously, I'll never know that for sure.

The failure of one protagonist to involve me in the story adequately is a specific point of a larger problem: this novel is idea-based and doesn't make any real effort to make its characters "real." There were a lot of moments where I simply said to myself, "People don't act/talk that way." There were a lot of times I felt a character was a plot device who happened to have a name attached. There were a lot of "talking heads" sections were extensive back-and-forth conversations were held, sometimes for many pages, but neither party involved ever moved, breathed, or had any kind of body language. The only character that displayed anything close to a personality was Da Shi, the cop who quite proudly wasn't a "good" cop but an effective one. He was rude, he had swagger, he knew the limits of his own intelligence yet came up with many of the revelatory moments the scientist characters couldn't because of his brand of "street" smarts. So he was still a thinly veiled plot device--that sort of character isn't fresh or original at all--but simply by virtue of being the only one who wasn't an interchangeable cog in the plot, he was the most memorable.

The second half of the problem I had with the novel being ideas-based was that the ideas weren't good or solid. By that I mean, the narrative belabored the three-body problem, a well-known thing, far past the point I needed it to be explained (I was vaguely familiar with it before but physics wasn't my field even when I was actively studying science) then, late in the story, rushed through multidimensional supercomputers so fast that I don't know if that was wholly science fiction the author made up, or something with at least a grounding in stuff we puny human scientists are already exploring. (I know we're not making proton-sized computers yet, but is this something we think we can do? Ever?)

On top of that, I don't feel confident about the science because I don't have the sense that the author did due diligence in research to make anything about this seem real. While I don't have advanced physics knowledge, I am a giant video game nerd with more than a layman's understanding of how games get made, and the Three Body video game is preposterous. No video game with its described translation and mutable-setting capabilities could exist in a believable modern day world without employing a development studio the size of a small country, yet it's all hand-waved with "the ETO did it on behalf of the aliens."

With what money? Who programmed it specifically, because I might believe the ETO managed to snag a game dev or two, but how did they pitch the project to their studio(s)? If it's accessible for free to everyone online, is knowledge of it spreading by word of mouth, are they advertising, are they relying on game journalism to interest potential new players from which to gather their potential new members? Since our other protagonist plays the game repeatedly and only ever seems to meet the same two or three other players, is that meant to be representative of the entire (small, unrealistically small!) player base, or are player interactions instanced with priority given to matching the same user IDs whenever possible? Because that's a potentially complex addition to game functionality that wouldn't be cheap, and I simply cannot stress this point enough, where is this money coming from because we know the game isn't using a free-to-play model with micro-transactions so how are the servers running and how are the programmers getting paid? You'd need an entire stable of graphic designers just to keep up with the clothing necessary for the character models, if multiple historical settings are available thematically based on user names, which is another entire kettle of fish, because that's not being assigned by hand, the response time wouldn't be fast enough, so it requires some kind of programming script or even an AI to make those decisions, which is yet another thing someone had to make and get paid for...and what happens if a user ID has no innate scientific importance or cultural connotation? What appearance and setting would Three Body assign me if I just entered "Elena" as my handle?

And all of these objections are coming from a hobbyist who has never actually worked in game development but watches YouTube videos about it for fun. Actual industry people would likely have even more salient criticism. But if I can poke holes in this plot device so easily, how am I supposed to take the rest of the book seriously?