#and submit to the mortifying ordeal of feedback

[goodplace-janet]

on one hand, the arabic speaking test i just bumbled my way through was only part of my final exam, not like, a career-defining score

on the other hand, i think it's a little easier to perform on this kind of test when the examiner is a complete stranger and not the professor who's judgment i'm very familiar with and can easily visualize as i'm failing to answer his questions

[liesmyth]

if you want to receive fic feedback you have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of actually asking for it... terrible

[dubiousculturalartifact]

if we want the rewards of [getting feedback on our writing] we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of [people actually reading it].

[trans-elrond]

love facing the mortifying ordeal of being known (submitted a half-assed or dare I say even quarter-assed script idea and today I get feedback from the instructor and it’s gonna be. something)

[seveneyesoup]

if we want the rewards of feedback we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of writing

[lynchiangf]

the mortifying ordeal of submitting something for feedback

[mannatea]

in order to rewrite/edit fics i originally posted in the 2005 to 2009 era, i must, unfortunately, submit myself to the mortifying ordeal of Reading My Own Shit.

this is, quite frankly, a cruel and unusual punishment to inflict upon a writer, but especially someone who used to sign off with ::pawprints:: on every chapter, and who abused the =^.^= face and *glomps* and god knows what other dumb shit I said. that’s to say nothing of the idiot story ideas. i really did just write anything that came to mind, didn’t i.

in my defense, with something like 600 fics under my belt between 2002 and 2012 (the last logging the wayback machine has of my old account), i was clearly completely consumed by writing. i low-key wish i still felt that way.

also, there’s just something insane about like, the obvious patterns? just going down the list you can see the fandoms as i hopped in and out of them, there are a LOT of tragedy/angst fics that come in spurts in like, every single fandom i’ve ever been in, and...the holiday i wrote the most ‘fics for is actually mother’s day???? (i hadn’t consciously even realized this until just today!) 

and then there are the revIEWS. “10/10. My favorite ToS story I have ever read, seriously. In fact, one of the best fanfictions I have ever read.” 

SIR...this is a Wendy’s fic I wrote in 2005.

sometimes i forget how wholesome and sweet fandom was for fic writers from like, 2000 until 2010 or so. the amount of positive sweet feedback i got from total strangers is actually heartwarming even now. i doubt any of those people even know that they contributed to me continuing to write for years and years. 

of course, looking back now i know those stories are mostly dogshit, but like, i dunno, everyone has different tastes and standards to define what’s enjoyable, and that can change as you get older or learn more. there’s plenty of stuff from even 2014 that i’m not very proud of, but which i can never dislike simply because, just like a lot of my old works, people liked it or connected to it. 

like, i’ll never forget a comment i received on an old inuyasha fanfic that dealt with the subject matter of a stillborn baby, because someone commented on that fic and told me it touched them. they’d gone through something similar and wanted to thank me for my “beautiful story.” that was in 2003. i can’t even begin to imagine reading that story now, but once upon a time it did some good for someone. 

and yes, if you’re wondering, i’m procrastinating finishing this rewrite because it’s very frustrating for me and makes me feel itchy lmao. like it’s not technically bad but it’s boring, and sometimes boring is worse, actually. 

[brave-of-worms]

if you want to enjoy the rewards of being loved (paper getting accepted) you also have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known (sending the paper out for feedback)

[livvyofthelake]

oh btw in class today we read my stupid little screenplay. and it was like fine i guess. ok so i thought we were going in alphabetical order and i thought i was last but then she sits down to start class and she’s like ok let’s start with [title redacted because i have already been through the mortifying ordeal of sharing a creative work once today and don’t need to do it on here too]. and i’m like WHAT since when are we starting with me this is fucked. but anyway so she picked people to read and they read it and i sat there with my head in my hands because it is Embarrassing to have people read shit you wrote out loud when you don’t really like what you wrote so much. however it wasn’t that bad, i realized as they read it that some pieces were actually pretty good. i never would have known that i didn’t read through it before submitting it. but yeah. and then i had to listen to my professor’s feedback which was helpful i guess but also she is annoying. sorry i didn’t format the flashbacks perfectly correctly but i KNOW they weren’t “confusing”. i put how many years ago they were right there in the slug line what do you want from me. ok what she wants is correct formatting. in my defense i forgot how to properly format everything and didn’t feel like looking it up. anyway whatever. and then i had to sit there for two more hours listening to other people’s screenplays. am i a bad person for thinking some of them were bad and silently judging the people who wrote them is karma gonna get me back for thinking mean things about some of these guys. hope not lol

[northern-passage]

hello i hope you are having a good day/night was wanting to ask if you did write any other games before this one or did you publish stories or something,,, i am trying to work on an IF but this is my first time and i do write but i have never published anything i also usually get bored fast and just yeah your story is so so good and you put a lot of effort and work into it just wondering if you have any tips or advice like the thought of publishing something is terrifying and i don’t know if i can do it i just don’t have faith in myself

i have not published anything before this!!!

i worked as an editor in college for our creative writing club/group and do technically have credit for that as we did publish an anthology together but i never submitted anything myself to be published, i just helped behind the scenes.

ive always done a bit of writing here and there for myself, and have had story ideas brewing in my mind but nothing i’ve ever gone out and finished or anything. kinda just writing for myself before this. technically i’ve always been much more of a reader than a writer.....

and like. i worked on the tnp prologue for...hmm.....maybe a month before i published it on the forums? part of that was simply mental illness x LOL i got fixated and it wasn’t healthy and i also already had a lot of the story beforehand because it was going to be a dnd campaign... but that’s not the point. i wrote the prologue and was kinda just sitting with it before biting the bullet and posting it. and i didnt really read a lot of interactive fiction before this last summer. i just happened to follow an artist that was into it and that was how i got introduced to everything and realized it was something i could just do!!! and that it would be a cool way to share a story and get feedback

i published my demo in august and like...whew if u read the first version of the prologue u get a veteran’s discount. it wasn’t BAD but it needed a lot of work. it sucks getting criticisms and that’s definitely...a big thing to get over in the beginning. the mortifying ordeal of sharing ur writing. but it’s helped me A Lot and tnp is only as good as it is because i decided to share it and subject myself to the mortifying ordeal lmao

also getting bored is something that happens! it just does. all creatives get bored with their work sometimes or just move on but it doesnt make u any less of a writer or artist or anything. there’s that one tiktok by ghosthoney....taking a break even if it’s for years doesnt take away from the fact that you’re a creator.

my biggest tips are just. first things first you just gotta go for it. just start writing, even if you don’t publish it. don’t feel like you NEED to publish stuff, especially if you’re not ready, and never feel like you need to ‘rush’ or anything. you have all the time in the world to write at ur own pace. and while i can’t promise u that one day you’ll wake up and just be like “i’m ready” a la spongebob...there will definitely come a day where u just make that jump. that’s what i did

second is try not to compare urself to others too much, especially when it comes to like...numbers? so like word counts, followers, updates, etc. like everyone writes at their own pace and some ppl are fast as hell whereas others take a lot longer and it’s just something that is personal. don’t compare the attention someone else might get to what you get - some ppl just have more vocal audiences than others and it doesnt mean ur any less appreciated. also being on the internet be sure to set ur own boundaries, what ur comfortable with, etc. 

and again...publishing stuff does take courage and you gotta be ready for feedback. some of it will be genuinely helpful...some of it will not. and especially with IF, people might try and pressure you to make things a certain way. that was one thing i wasn’t really expecting? and sometimes as i said suggestions are actually helpful, because you really can’t think of everything on your own and another set of eyes helps round out choices, but there are also some that want things to go in a completely different direction and you got to make sure it’s actually something YOU want, something that fits the story, and not just something you’re doing to please readers.

the tone and setting of tnp and the fact that i have a bit of a more defined mc makes some of the suggestions i get just....not good LOL and you just got be ready to filter that kind of feedback

and with writing to publish, keep in mind that people’s tastes are unpredictable. you can almost never guess how people will react or what they will like, and something not being immediately popular doesn't mean it's bad or you should change the way you're writing, though you will want to keep ur audience in mind. and as for your audience, you may not attract the people you expect, and there’s really no way to control that - but again setting your own boundaries is most important, first and foremost.

posting stuff publicly is really just a wild card. there’s no one universal experience - it’s unpredictable, it’s scary, it’s hard, but it can also be really really rewarding

i also will say i got lucky that about a month and half? maybe? after i published my demo i joined an authors server that has been a HUGE help. i could totally hit u with that if you’re interested!! having a group of authors to talk to that “get it” is very nice. definitely try to interact with and follow other authors you like - in my experience they almost are always down to answer questions and offer help :-)

[nicandros]

The mortifying ordeal of submitting your academic writing for feedback

[pureheroine2013]

Yes the mortifying ordeal of being known etc etc but what about the mortifying ordeal of submitting something you wrote for feedback

[whatisthiswitchcraft]

the mortifying ordeal of not wanting to write your final piece for workshop because you can't bring yourself to look at the feedback people provided because something about this is so bone-deep embarrassing and you can't cope and you don't want to do it but you have to submit it tomorrow or Friday and you don't want to do it but you have to and you're going to but right now you can't AND you have to do this for ANOTHER class too and you're in hell

[t4tlawlight]

Intimacy versus isolation is the sixth stage of Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development. This stage takes place during young adulthood between the ages of approximately 18 to 40 yrs.

During this period, the major conflict centers on forming intimate, loving relationships with other people. We begin to share ourselves more intimately with others. We explore relationships leading toward longer-term commitments with someone other than a family member.

Successful completion of this stage can result in happy relationships and a sense of commitment, safety, and care within a relationship. Avoiding intimacy, fearing commitment and relationships can lead to isolation, loneliness, and sometimes depression. Success in this stage will lead to the virtue of love.

– “ Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development”

...if we want the rewards of being loved, we must submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.

– “I Know What You Think of Me”  

this post is the second in a series about the tv drama! if you haven’t read the first part, you don’t have the full picture! read it HERE

this post is going to focus on L, and namely the way his relationships forge him into a better person across the span of the tv drama, and then it’s going to close off the cliffhanger on the previous post!

at the beginning of the series, the L we meet is decidedly not a good person. he’s not moralistic in the slightest, and we see him perform some pretty ghastly human rights violations across the series. he loves to say he's “just” and that the people he’s fighting against are evil, to the point that where soichiro questions him, he denies kira’s humanity by comparing him to a demon or devil:

Soichiro: You’ve gone too far. L: You shouldn’t think of Kira as human. He’s the devil.

-- Episode 1

[photo: a close up shot of L. we see him from the shoulders up, wearing his usual white ensemble, dark hair a mess. he is looking up at something above the camera. he is saying, "This Kira is a devil stained in greed."]

-- Episode 6

he’s very much like light in that regard. but he believes he has a right to spit in the face of basic human rights because the ends justify the means and that makes him, specifically, justified to do whatever he wants.

Matsuda: Sir, L just confirmed Kira’s existence and where he’s hiding in one fell swoop. Aizawa: Matsuda! Mogi: Pipe down. You saw that he sacrificed the life of a man to do it, even if he was scheduled to die. He’s doing the same thing Kira is.

-- Episode 1

worse, when called out on it directly by members of the task force (other than soichiro, generally speaking), L tends to throw it back in their faces by bringing up their fears of being killed by Kira if they don’t allow him to do what he wants:

Matsuda: You need to stop this at once! There must be other ways of investigating! L: Are you going to start an inquiry? Exposing your name and face to Kira? Mogi: This is a human rights violation. This would cost us more than our jobs. L: I thought we were risking our lives for this investigation, not our jobs.

-- Episode 4

Mogi: L, all else aside, this is a violation of human rights! L: Would you like to conduct the interrogation in the room itself? Showing your face to her?

-- Episode 6

this is exacerbated by the fact that L isn’t a detective because he genuinely believes in detective work as a way to enact justice. this is L's hobby. he's here to win, not to do the good thing, because that's not his style. he comes in on difficult that he thinks will be a good way to entertain himself and stretch his imagination, and then he solves them, and then he wins.

L: But that’s no reason to just give up and turn yourself in, Kira. You’re going to be found and your method of killing exposed...  by me.

-- Episode 1

L: It didn't matter to me who the perpetrator was. On the contrary, I thought that to solve a crime with no clues at all would be the greatest thrill possible.

-- Episode 8

worst of all is that, while he justifies his human rights violations and outright torture of light and misa with it being a necessity, drama L--unlike in other adaptations--approaches it with utter glee, laughing as he keeps light awake for days on end and light begins to lose his sense of time, even while lying about kira not being active.

L: Light-kun! Don’t go to sleep! Kira hasn’t shown up yet. 

L: [laughing] Are you okay? It appears your sense of time is beginning to atrophy.

-- Episode 6

so, in the beginning, L is, as i said, very much not moralistic. he's never had his perspective challenged in his life--near and watari are exactly the same way. watari is the one who enacts most of the things L says, and rarely offers dissent. when he does disapprove of L’s actions, he won’t do anything to stop them, and often won’t complain more than shaking his head and grumbling.

then he meets soichiro, and the very first thing soichiro does is ask:

[photo: soichiro yagami sitting at a desk. matsuda is standing behind him, and himura is standing a little further back. yagami is wearing a suit and tie, speaking to L on a laptop computer. he is asking, "What do you think human life is?"]

-- Episode 1

and soichiro questions L about lind L tailor for a little bit, demanding to know if L suspected the man could die. and L argues that he had permission, but later he  calls on soichiro specifically to help him. this is partially because of soichiro’s hostage situation that paves the way for a lot of L’s suspicion on light, of course, but watari seems to think otherwise:

Watari: That’s unusual. You never invite people to meet you. Did his scolding have an effect on you, then? You like him, don’t you? L: ... Watari: You don’t meet many people who can leave you speechless.

-- Episode 1

later, L tells soichiro that L is fond of him directly:

L: I believe you are an extremely wonderful policeman. And to me, you are like a father, as well. 

-- Episode 10

and soichiro calls out a lot of the things L does in these first episodes. L has been allowed to do whatever he wants for a long time; furthermore, he never shows himself to people aside from watari and near/mello. so soichiro is possibly the first person who matters who calls L out on something like lind L tailor, and is furious when L brings the FBI to Japan:

Soichiro: Either way, I can’t approve of FBI investigators having free reign to investigate on Japanese soil. I’m going to report this. [Soichiro leaves.] L: Do you think I made him angry? Watari: Oh, well... Quite.

-- Episode 2

later, when yotsuba-light comes on scene, the same thing happens, in a little way. yotsuba light scolds L whenever he’s a little bankrupt in the morals department and simultaneously is much, much more morally upright (in yotsuba arc) himself, asking L to be on the team so he could help stop kira (which moved L to taking off the handcuffs!). L says he thinks light has a lot of potential under the surface on multiple occasions, and credits himself for the transformation:

L: I appreciate your talent. Now, it’s possible that talent only blossomed since you met me... Maybe there was nothing to trigger it before, but there’s something very passionate sleeping inside you. I was thinking I could use that in the service of good.

-- Episode 5

Light: Please, let me help. I want to catch Kira with you. Soichiro: Light... Light: If we’re going to be tied together because you suspect me anyway, Ryuga, I want to be tied to you in purpose, as well. Matsuda: But Light-kun is a student... L: He’s no mere student. As the one who encouraged his talent to bloom, I guarantee this. Let’s catch Kira and finish this together.

-- Episode 7

furthermore, L believes yotsuba light--he doesn’t think he’s lying to him.

L: By the way, Light-kun, you wanted to enter public service, didn’t you? Light: Yeah. Why? L: The police are a public service, aren’t they? When you were a child, you wanted to be one, didn’t you? Light: When my mother died when I was a kid, my father was off chasing a criminal... I thought my father’s form of justice couldn’t be worth much, if he had to sacrifice even his family to see it through. But... yeah. Now I sort of feel like I understand. Because I feel the same way he did. I want to catch Kira, no matter what. L: [internally] From what I can see, this seems unlikely to be a performance to deceive us. Which means...

-- Episode 7

between soichiro and yotsuba light, L receives quite a bit of both feedback on his own actions and examples to go by.

there’s one major example of L’s change, morally speaking: when raye penber is approached by kira, L and watari are listening, but in an example of early L being deficit in the morals department, he doesn’t move to do anything. he doesn’t warn the FBI, he doesn’t stop raye. L tells watari not to do anything, because they have the opportunity to perhaps learn how Kira kills.

[photo 1:  a close up shot of L. he is staring wide-eyed to the viewer's left, holding a green lucky charge jelly pouch. he is asking, "You want to kill the whole FBI?"

photo 2:  L is sitting at his desk on his laptop, holding a lucky charge pouch and staring at his computer. watari stands beside him, wearing a brown suit and a bowtie, saying, "L..."

photo 3:  L again, at his desk in front of his laptop. he is holding a lucky charge pouch close to his mouth. he is saying, "We could learn how Kira kills."]

--  Episode 3

Matsuda: Then you used him as bait? L: I did it to catch Kira. I didn’t have a choice. Aizawa: Didn’t have a choice?!

-- Episode 4

and L, after the FBI in japan are wiped out is clearly affected, but it’s less guilt from all of the people he let die and more to do with perceiving himself as having lost.

L: After I was so close to learning how Kira kills...

L: This time, I lost.

-- Episode 3

flash forward forward to yotsuba arc and yotsuba light and specifically the final confrontation with higuchi. higuchi, now with the shinigami eyes, is now going to the drama version of sakura TV to kill matsuda. they have this exchange:

[photo 1: light speaking into a wireless microphone. we see him from the shoulders up, wearing black. he is saying, "Dad, arrest Higuchi the minute he gets there."

photo 2: a close up shot of L and light. we cannot see light's face, as he's turned to L in surprise. L says into a microphone, "No. Let's watch him a little longer."

photo 3:  the same scene, countermeasures. L is sitting at his desk, holding a microphone close to himself. light stands beside him, laptop open on the desk. he is asking L, "Hey. What are you talking about?"]

-- Episode 7

this is the perfect parallel to the raye penber situation. L wants to let higuchi continue to sakura TV and act unimpeded in his attempt to kill matsuda because at this stage they still don’t know how Kira kills, which is precisely how raye penber died. this time, however, light argues with him:

L: We haven’t established his method of killing yet. Light: This is Kira we’re dealing with! Matsuda-san and my dad are in danger! L: In order to catch Kira, we must confirm his way of killing. Light: People’s lives are on the line! Hey. All the names of the people killed so far are written in that notebook, right? That would be proof, wouldn’t it? Even if we learn how he kills people, if a comrade dies, that’s losing, in my opinion.

-- Episode 7

and this is the first real evidence that the yagamis are actively changing the way L operates, because he does. 

L: Yagami-san, arrest Higuchi. Like the second Kira, Higuchi has become a Kira that can kill by face alone. Please keep that in mind when you arrest him.  Soichiro: Got it. Light: Ryuga... L: We won’t let the likes of Higuchi beat us. Let’s get that notebook as proof.

-- Episode 7

they do the mannequin swap and catch higuchi and nobody else dies.

soichiro has exactly the same impact-- in the manga, L dies because he's going to test the 13 day rule by having a prisoner on death row write in it, and if they don't die in 13 days they get to go free. this is what makes rem kill him to protect misa, because doing this, despite it being perhaps not the most morally upright thing, is guaranteed to prove that the 13 day rule is fraudulent. 

he never does this in the drama, because when he tells soichiro he had the idea, they have this exchange:

L: I thought about negotiating with the Ministry of Justice to see if they would verify it by carrying out death sentences.  Soichiro: I can’t approve of that. Even if they’re on death row, they’re still people. If we take their lives indiscriminately, we’re no different than Kira. L: I thought you’d say that, so I decided not to. 

-- Episode 8

yet again, L doesn’t go with the easy solution because interacting with the yagamis has inflicted him with some semblance of morality.

at this point, it’s important to discuss the nature of L and light’s relationship in the tv drama. for the most part, it’s similar to how it operates in the mangaverse, but with a major exception: L and light buy into their own manipulation. frequently, L and light call each other their friends:

L: Be my friend. That’s the favor I wanted. 

--  Episode 4

Light: If I were Kira, I wouldn’t say that, would I? L: That’s true. I guess you really aren’t Kira after all. I certainly hope you aren’t, anyway. Because you’re the first friend I’ve ever had.

-- Episode 5

these incidents in the tv drama are just like in the manga: examples of L and light manipulating each other. the change arises when light loses his memories and thus the context of the mind games--he begins to earnestly believe that L and light are friends.

[photo 1: a dimly-lit shot of only light's face. he is begging L, "Please believe me!"

photo 2: he asks, "We're friends, aren't we?"]

-- Episode 6

Matsuda: Did L tell you to call him Ryuga? Light: Yes. It’s the alias he used the first time we met. Matsuda: If you know it’s an alias, why do you call him that? Light: The truth is, I guess I’d rather he be my friend Ryuga than the detective L.

-- Episode 7

Light: I would have wanted to show you, too… The world Kira would create… If I could have… I’d have wanted… I’d have wanted to be your friend forever.

-- Episode 8

this in turn, combined with spending prolonged time with light during yotsuba arc, has an effect on L. 

Near: Hey, why did you let Yagami Light in on the investigation? You think he’ll let something slip? L: That’s part of it.  Near: So you do think he’s Kira. L: I don’t know. Part of me wants him to be Kira. Part of me wouldn’t mind if he wasn’t.

-- Episode 7

it's the second part of that line from the drama i used as evidence earlier--

L: It didn't matter to me who the perpetrator was. On the contrary, I thought that to solve a crime with no clues at all would be the greatest thrill possible.  L: Then I met you, and for the first time, I became interested in a person.

-- Episode 8

thus begins the ending to episode 8 and the beginning of episode 9, which forms one coherent scene which i’ve nicknamed “the blue scene” as shorthand, so now you know what i mean when i reference it. the blue scene truly begins with L inviting light to an abandoned building--perhaps one under construction--and invites light to join him after presumably pondering the situation there for some time.

we learn from near THIS LITTLE COMMENT near the end of the show:

Near: L struggled over whether or not he should reveal your identity. It's possible he was trying to understand, in his own way, how you felt becoming Kira.

-- Episode 11

this mindset we can see during this scene where L is doing puzzles with near:

[photo 1:  a completely white puzzle with no designs or patterns. it is unfinished, piece pieces surrounding an empty gray space. L is thinking, "If Kira's power does move between people, then it must be the will of Kira himself."

photo 2: L, wearing an extremely neutral expression. he is holding up a white puzzle piece between his index and thumb, staring at it. he is thinking, "Even if Yagami Light's memories of being Kira have been erased--"

photo 3: L from the waist up, sitting down on the floor. near is sitting in front of him, although we can only see the back of his arm as he faces L. L's thought from the first photo continues with, "--could he still recover that ability?"

photo 4:  L rests his elbow on his knee, still sitting on the floor. his eyes are downcast. He is thinking, "I don't sense anything suspicious from Yagami Light."

photo 5:  L, staring down at the puzzle. He is thinking, "I just have to capture the current Kira and finish this."]

-- Episode 7

L makes a concentrated effort to understand how and why light became kira, as shown in the beginning of the blue scene when he asks light why he became kira in the first place and then tells him L’s best guess as to why--which, because L knows the situation and light himself so well at this point, is the correct answer.

L: Why did you start using this thing? Did you lose to the allure? The first time you killed someone, it was not fully understanding what the notebook did, right? Then you got scared and tried to throw it away, right? But you were forced into a situation where you had no choice but to use it. 

L: Then Yagami Light became Kira. No... The voices of those who despised crime turned Yagami Light into Kira. But that’s just an excuse, isn’t it?

L: I want to stop you. Because we’re friends, you know? So admit you’ve lost. That you’re Kira.

-- Episode 8

and part of this is because he's been with yotsuba arc light. he likes him, he’s taken his advice. it's not as cut and dry as "i arrest light, i arrest Kira, and i win the game." anymore.

the entire episode 8 section of the blue scene is, to be clear, just a parallel of the scene where soichiro pretends to shoot light to prove he’s not kira. it's exactly the same. they bring light out, give light a scenario, and then threaten to murder him and see what happens. 

[photo 1: soichiro yagami, pointing a gun at his son. the first photo is from further away; we can see light cowering on the ground and staring down the barrel. he says, "As fellow murderers,” 

photo 2: soichiro from the shoulders up, brow furrowed. he finishes, "let's meet again in Hell."]

-- Episode 6

[photo:  the blue scene. the lighting is a saturated blue, tinting L's shirt and skin. he looks down, saying, "Then let's meet in the afterlife in thirteen days."]

-- Episode 8

whereas yotsuba-light passed the test, light in the blue scene does not.

[photo 1: light stands above L, who has been thrown against some construction materials and is laying on the ground. light is saying, "I can't afford to lose to you."

photo 2:  photo 2: from shoulders-up, we see light looking regretfully down at L. he is saying, "I'm creating a perfect world, without crime."]

-- Episode 8

that being said, in order to understand L and his decision making in this scene, you have to also understand that L thought that he was safe--that Light had no chance of getting his name. that was not part of the scenario in L's head. L had no way of predicting mikami being in the countermeasures office at that exact moment.

L spends the entire scene basically asking light over and fucking over again just to admit he's kira. 

[photo 1: the first of multiple screenshots of the blue scene in which L is in various degrees of being brutalized, because he and light are fighting physically throughout. in the first, they are facing each other, standing. L says, "So admit you've lost."

photo 2: L is crouched over. we cannot see most of his face or expression. he says, "Then admit you've lost!"

photo 3: L is splayed against some construction materials. blood drips from the corner of his mouth. he is curled in on himself, covering his stomach with his arm. he is saying, "Will you admit you've lost and atone for your crimes, 

photo 4: L finishes, “or write your own name in there and die?"]

-- Episode 8

given that the death note is fake L essentially gives him two options that ultimately amount to telling L that he’s Kira, except one of them is telling L he's kira with words and one of them is telling L he's Kira by trying to kill himself if light didn’t get mikami's help in that moment, his options are to do either of those things, deny it until soichiro and the rest arrived, leave outright, or... kill L with his bare hands, which is the most unlikely scenario here.

this is all the same reason why L doesn't really fight in the fight scene--he puts up the illusion of a fight, as though he wants Light to give up the note, but in reality he wants light to get the note.

if you watch through the scene, it plays out like this:

light slaps the death note out of his hands.

L bodychecks light into some, like, bags of padding so he doesn’t grab it.

light kicks L in the stomach with both feet.

L pushes light again once he grabs the death note. he does it once again once they both get to it.

light kicks L in the stomach for the second time. he then  grabs L on the ground and punches L in the face with such force that his skull bounces off the concrete.

L then walks off his concussion and actually punches light, actually attacking him for the only time during the sequence before yelling at him

light knees L in the stomach, for the third time; punches him in the face; and then kicks L in the stomach for the fourth time.

L falls against some boxes and sandbags and the fight is over.

the only time L actually hits light is the punch after light knocks his skull against the floor. the rest of the time he’s grappling because he wants Light to think he's in danger, and he wants to see who he really is. because he likes light. he likes light enough that he struggles enough with whether or not he wants to arrest him and tries to see his point of view, enough so that near knows about it and can comment about it. and light fails spectacularly. he gets the mikami message which is proof enough that he's kira on its own. if he stopped it there, that’s enough proof for an arrest. he didn't need light to write his name if it were a test to see if light is kira. but it isn't. because L already knew that. he wanted to know what light would do, and he found out.

L: Do you feel like you’re God? Light: Kira could become God!

-- Episode 9

which i think is why he’s so bent on having light confess in the first place. he's not doing it just to arrest the man, which is why it's a "who he is as a person" test. that's WHY it's the same as the yotsuba light test up until light fails, at which point they actually start very obviously drawing parallels to the lind L tailor test, which was lights first big failure and really the start of his moral event horizon and the beginning of their rivalry to begin with.

Lind L. Tailor: Justice always wins. Light: No, it doesn’t, That’s why Kira was born!

-- Episode 1

L: Justice always wins.  Light: No, it doesn’t. That’s why Kira was born.

-- Episode 9

but also more than that L wanted light to confess to him so that he could satisfy that part of him that started this, that has to Win the Game. the part of him that’s been taking cases all of this time. if light gives up L can say he won and satisfy that part of him, because up until now his moral compass was guided by what was most interesting to him, and of  course the kira case was as he said very interesting to him. but he wants to move on from it so that he can be friends with light. he wants to know that light trusts him too and wants to be friends so that he can have light work with him instead and use his genius constructively.

L mentions multiple times that since light has met L he’s had the chance to show the genius that was hidden because of light’s stagnant upbringing, and L wants light to work with him. at the end of light’s analysis post, i brought up that light believed the only way he could be happy is through the power and masculinity given to him through the note. i also linked tumblr user whoresband’s analysis, and once again i think it’s pertinent to share their thoughts:

L rejects social norms, he lives as he desires, and it is only men L becomes close with. L seems to heal with light. light inspires something kinder in him, something that wants to care and be cared for. and moreover, L ignites a spark in light, inspiring him to achieve and challenge himself and be better.

L’s rejection of society and closeness with other men is the route light couldve chosen and did not. L begging him to confess that he is kira is also a plea for him to confess that he loves L. L wanted light to see the value in loving him, to see how much he could be with him, and that his embrace of the social values that had caused him this pain was not the only way to free himself from that pain.

at the end of the show, in his final tape--the *what if* tape, which he created in the event that light was not kira, he expresses that he wants light to work with near.

[photo 1:  a very close image of a tablet watari is holding up. a video is playing, pre-recorded by L before his death. he is sitting in his chair at countermeasures, saying, "Light-kun, I'm sorry for doubting you."

photo 2:  watari and near at L's grave, which is headed by a very large white cross. near's back is to us. watari is still playing L's video. L is saying, "I believe that you'll become a great police officer like [Soichiro] Yagami-san some day.” 

photo 3: a close up of watari holding the tablet. L onscreen continues, “If it suits you, you could also become a detective and work with Near."]

-- Episode 11

i think if light had confessed and showed that he was still the same as he was during yostuba arc, and more importantly still was friends with L, L wouldn’t necessarily have turned him into the police, and certainly wouldn’t have executed him. i think he might have tried to convince light to join him, to enact his sense of justice alongside L instead of as Kira.

in the end, though, what i think could have happened doesn’t matter. light rejected L’s offer, and they both died for it. 

even still, there’s a point to be made about the symbolism in the tv drama--it’s incredibly overt. that’s a post for another day, but it’s worth mentioning that light is consistently symbolized by a moon hanging in the sky.

in the last shots of the tv drama, that moon hangs over L’s grave, together in death.

[photo: a very serene scene. L's grave, located on an otherwise seemingly empty grassy hill. it is a large white cross. watari and near are leaving, going down the hill. in the cloudy blue sky, a full moon is visible just above L's grave marker.]

-- Episode 11

[torifoolery]

me to me: if you want the rewards of other people giving feedback on your writing, you must submit to the mortifying ordeal of actually writing it

[calamitys-child]

I'm having a terrible no good very bad time so much of uni this year relies on peer feedback I do not Want to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known I want to become a hermit and write my silly little dissertation in peace