#and stuff like abuse which is a pattern of harm from someone who holds some kind of power over you (whether or not they intend to harm you) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ooooo-mcyt · 3 years ago

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Honestly though I have seen a lot of takes that seem to really overstate/oversimplify Grian's negative- or perceived negative- personality traits and it feels very odd to me. Like, obligatory disclaimer that im new to the yhs fanbase and and as such don't know how old most of the fan content ive found on yhs is so if I ever mention character debate ive seen and y'all are like "I ain't seen anything like that recently???" It's cause I don't discriminate on new stuff, five year old stuff, or anything in between, mostly cause I don't know how old any post or whatever I stumble across is.

But like. I see Many posts implying Grian is rude, disrespectful, manipulative, vindictive, arrogant, and violent. And I don't *get* it.

I mean. Throughout yhs Grian is actually one of the characters most averse to violent or criminal action. His typical pattern of behaviour actually consists of Grian trying to completely avoid involvement in wild dangerous activities and objecting immediately both on logical and moral grounds, giving in only under outside pushing and often threat of serious harm to himself. And, well, duress is an actual legal defense in criminal cases that can get criminal charges cleared or reduced. "In criminal law, actions may sometimes be excused if the actor is able to establish a defense called duress. The defense can arise when there's a threat or actual use of physical force that drives the defendant—and would've driven a reasonable person—to commit a crime. A classic example is someone holding a gun to the defendant's head to force the defendant to break the law. Some courts use the term "coercion" or "compulsion" for this defense". Which is why it's immediately very odd to me for Grian to be assessed as just violent/criminal period as if that's an active part of his character. Most of the time when we see Grian commit a crime or physically harm someone he has reasonable cause to feel like he's in danger if he doesn't do so and would not take the same actions otherwise. Hell, legally speaking sometimes he's got an outright case for violencd self defense even beyond the cases for duress. Some examples of times Grian was involved in criminal activity include cases of robbery under duress, shooting in self defense, that kind of thing. This is a young highschooler with very minimum history of wrongdoing before getting stranded in a seriously abusive relationship in an incredibly crime heavy city and getting pulled into a string of crimes pretty much all with potential coercion/self-defense defenses built in. Literally everything about Grian's situation- from his age to his decently clean criminal history to the abuse he was suffering at the time to the use of threats/attacks against him to convince him to commit any crimes he was involved with- are likely to be a point in his favour on a legal standpoint and certainly should be notable when it comes to moral judgement. Quite frankly there aren't many characters in the series that id feel individually safer around because independently inciting violent encounters just isn't something he typically does. And having the survival instincts to bend under serious threat just isn't the same as being a violent person in your own right and saying Grian's just a violent or criminal person overall feels really weirdly oversimplified.

And beyond that is the idea that Grian's arrogant/disrespectful/manipulative/rude/vindictive. Which just feels out of pocket honestly. Grian can have a cynical streak, but that usually manifests in calling out genuinely inane bs or like...insulting his abuser(s). Stuff like being touchy and annoyed about their teachers not teaching them anything or calling Sam "literally the worst person who's ever lived" or making snide comments about how fucking insane Yuki is or similarly pretty justified grievances. Grian plays into the trope of the Only Sane Man, which, ive quoted this in the past but imma do it again, here's a quote from yhe tv tropes page on the Only Sane Man. "Alice is a Psycho for Hire, Bob is a Cloudcuckoolander, Henry is an Empty Shell, Charlotte is a Chaotic Stupid prankster, Daniel is the Annoying Younger Sibling, Emily is a Jerk with a Heart of Jerk, Maria Rhymes on a Dime, Franklin is a Mad Scientist, and Gardenia is a Holier Than Thou Lawful Stupid. Looks like your standard Dysfunction Junction. But then you have Isaac. Isaac is actually a very well-adjusted individual. He reacts with appropriate horror to things like Alice's finger collection or Franklin's experiments to revive the dead with science, and the crimes against nature that Gardenia calls pets. Isaac is the Only sane Man and The Only Voice Of Reason in the room". That's what Grian is. Pretty consistently. Grian's the guy that calls out the cruelty and incompetence and stupidity of the other characters because their general community is fucking *insane* and nobody else seems interested in questioning it. Grian isn't wrong about these observations though and it can't even be a case of "you're not wrong you're just an asshole" because he's not calling out harmless silly stuff, he's usually calling out shit like police corruption or the school neglecting their student's education or people consistently forgiving/excusing his abuser or the frequent unnecessary violence and crime going on in the community generally? And when he's in a situation where he's engaging with a kind or reasonable person Grian is actually typically prone to being polite and level headed in return. He's not typically, like, talking down to innocent people for harmless quirks/choices, he just shows a level of dismay and frustration towards the constant awful shit going on around him and in his interactions with people who are behaving like normal functional human beings he tends to have a pretty decent head on his shoulders?

Like. Grian isn't always in the right 100% of the time with no flaws and no incidents in which he's done something wrong. But he's definitely not some arrogant violent unempathetic prick who loves getting into fights and mocking undeserving people. The latter of which ive actually seen implied (maybe not quite as intensely/directly but ive certainly seen the words arrogant, violent, manipulative, unempathetic, disrespectful, and rude ascribed to him as general personality traits he has which just isn't accurate) way too many times for comfort.

#yhs #yandere highschool #yhs grian #to be fair a lot of the times ive seen this take its been paired with attempts to defend how sam didnt blatantly abuse the heck out of grian #which makes sense i suppose cause what better way to defend sam not being abusive than to make his victim look like the real villain #or at least like just as much of a villain

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hillbillyoracle · 3 years ago

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my bounderies will never be flexible, I won't let a partner, abuse, rape, ect. to me for their own needs.

Bounderies shouldn't have to be flexible. it's good to have strict unmovable bounderies. I rather not be raped than "Think of other's needs".

Just let people have strict bounderies....wtf

Let me ask you something anon - do I have literally any control over you?

Cause where I'm sitting, as a person expressing their concerns about a community wide pattern of people harming folks under the guise of mental health and the moral good on the internet, I can't see how it forces you to change anything about what you're doing.

I cannot "let" anyone do something I have no control over to begin with. What you're really saying is "I don't like what you're saying so shut up."

Which proves my point that this black and white thinking about boundaries serves to police other people rather than actually making people safer and can actually wind up harming more people.

How in the world do you jump from what is essentially "let people have their feelings" to "so I guess I'm just supposed to let myself get raped then"?

The amount of times I've seen people invoking rape specifically is wild. Do you all not have boundaries around how your friends speak with you? Or customer service folks? Or doctors? This idea that boundaries are best exemplified by people crossing them in the most heinous ways is fundamentally damaging - both to you and to the community. Boundaries are not for use solely in dangerous situations or with dangerous people.

Arguing for contextualization means hold certain kinds of boundaries with truly dangerous people and hold different kinds of boundaries with people you don't know and different kinds with people you know to have ultimately beneficial intentions. That's it. If you don't want to do that - that is fine, but it will make relationships difficult and on a community wide level it becomes truly toxic.

And I genuinely get, first hand, how difficult it can be after an assault, to assess which people are and aren't truly dangerous. But there are people who are paid to help you do that and I am not one of them.

Take your frustration to a more appropriate source. What is there to gain out of dumping this stuff in my inbox anyways - a momentary feeling of power? You're worth more than that. You're worth understanding the whole world does not rise to the level of the shittiest people in it. But please, take it somewhere else.

ETA: Because I know there are probably folks out there reading through some of this and feeling confused about whether their boundaries are healthy or not - here is a resource I really recommend to help.

Taken directly from the page:

Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. Boundaries are not rules for someone else to follow.

and

Boundaries are not an attempt to make someone do something. They are not about getting the other person to understand and comply. Boundaries are about us getting clear inside of ourselves as to what is appropriate and necessary for our mental health, and then taking action accordingly.

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lazy-cat-corner · 3 years ago

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i’m sorry cause i feel like i’m dumping this shit on you but i just saw something in the s*lki tag and i’m just……..i don’t even know. Baffled? Horrified? Kinda amused at what some people have the nerve to say online? Some l0ki stans have literally built this moral armor around themselves to the point where they accuse real people of actual serious shit instead of just accepting that people have different opinions. They have this completely all or nothing view in which s*lki shipper=terf. And there is literally no way around it. Try to explain why you ship it? Terf. Block people who accuse you of being a terf? Even bigger terf. Enjoy the show and s*lvie as a character? Terf. The actress that plays s*lvie blocks people who are harassing her? Terf. And there is also this completely reasonable logic that “true” l0ki fans=good people victimized by everyone else. Bc obviously l0ki stans know that every time he ever did something bad was either thanos’ fault or not important bc th0r and od1n did worse so therefor disagreeing with them means you’re ableist and a abuser. There is nothing on canon that corroborates with their claims. Their accusations of transphobia have yet to be supported by the community it concerns. And trans and genderfluid folks who don’t agree are reactionaries who are knowingly or unknowingly endorsing terf rhetoric. Literally no win with them. I’m not in the star wars fandom but I suppose this is what was like with reylo? People are not happy just disagreeing so they have to come for the morality of anyone who enjoys the ship. They don’t even try and find actual bad people to waste their energy on. The thing is I know this stuff happens in many fandoms -the result of the rise of online activism and misappropriation of identity politics- but i’m pretty much only in the l0ki fandom so this is kinda blowing my mind. It’s a fascinating phenomenon tbh. There is this whole set of psychological patterns shared by this group of people that continuously feed off of each other until all self-criticism is lost. They become completely isolated from everyone else and don’t see how that could possibly result in a distorted worldview. Not to "psychoanalyze” them ofc. Bc how dare we say anything that could allude to the mental health of these people calling us every possible bad thing while believing to be mere victims. Maybe this is too harsh but oh well. Anyway, sorry for the rant lmao. Also, i’m censoring things cause i don’t want to attract these people to ur blog lmao

Hello Anon,

You are always welcome to come here and vent out your feelings. I deal with this sort of discourse EVERY DAY! Just yesterday someone told me the ship is a mental illness. They said it in a manner like it's a joke but put an unsettling feeling in my stomach knowing antis abuse serious terms and turn it into the punchline of a joke further enforcing the negative stigma on mental illness *gag*.

Anyway, this absolutely was a big thing that happened in the reylo era. One thing that keeps me motivated is knowing just like with reylo, these losers will find someone else to bother and get bored of the discourse. I also remember that these people are people I wouldn't want in my space in the first place.

I could go on and on about why these arguments are wrong but being that I am cis, I don't want to overstep any boundaries so I won't go into detail. But I will say that a person's opinion on someone's morality holds no weight when the accused in question is surrounded by people that know them for the kind and compassionate person they are. These people who want to label you based on something that holds no weight or value in actual trans issues are not what's important. Furthermore, their hatred and selective ignorance is harming the trans community more than any piece of fiction could. Many antis have been exposed to deliberately misgender and deadname shippers for the sake of their activism.

With all that said, they may think you're the worst person on this planet. They may rationalize in their heads that their abuse and harassment is on the grounds of some moral high ground, but that doesn't mean it's true. How you see yourself and the people around you that matter, that's what you should focus on as a person. Don't let a TV show tell you how good you are and how much you care for trans issues. Look at the people you surround yourself with, the resources and materials you use to educate and further open spaces to discuss real trans issues. Maybe there are local trans organizations that could use donations/volunteer work that you want to support. THAT! Those choices you make are what will matter in the end. Not what naxatshasbewbs6969 on twitter thinks of you.

(if anyone owns that url/handle please know this was chosen at random and not a personal criticism on you as a person. Ive never met them and mean no harm 😅)

#i also have a lot of opinions on the antis hypocrisy and blatant inconsistencies they've demonstrated while promoting said activism #but i dont wanna swing at that wasps nest #ask lazycat #cw: transphobia #fandom discourse #fandom negativity #fandom wank

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iturbide · 4 years ago

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You know what? You forced me to start planning a huge post breaking down Faye, so for "revenge" I'm asking you to do one for Robin too! >:) (oh and Grima too if you want, it's always great hearing you talk about them)

MISSION: SUCCESS

but I will take this vengeance challenge starting with my boy

How do I feel about this character?

Look. Robin has been my Summoner Support character since the day the system launched. He’s maxed out on dragonflowers at 15. I sacrificed a 5-star exclusive dagger with a high-rarity and very potent A passive to him over any other possible unit I could have given it to. I have written just shy of 500k words of Awakening fanfiction in which Robin is a central figure in every story.

I kind of love Robin a lot. That may, in fact, be an understatement for my feelings.

Who do I ship this character with romantically?

Theoretically I could ship just about anyone with Robin (with a few exceptions *coughFrederickcough*) but my big ones are Chrom (naturally) and Sumia! Those two are the ones I most enjoy seeing Robin with since I think they play off one another in really enjoyable ways -- and it’s even better when it’s all three of them together!

Who is my brOTP for this character?

Lissa. I LOVE Robin and Lissa as best friends and confidantes who can tease each other but will always, always have each other’s backs. Robin and Henry being super tight as siblings is another favorite dynamic, Robin and Sully is right up there with Robin and Lissa, and when I’m not shipping them Robin and Sumia as best book buddies is near and dear to my heart. Also Gaius, Libra, Panne, and Kellam -- I love Robin and Kellam bonding so much it does my heart good (which is why so many of these relationships are, in fact, integral to Future Built).

What’s my Unpopular Opinion™ about this character?

oh boy I have a million of these haha but the biggest one that really is an unpopular opinion is that Robin is proud of their Plegian heritage and would never EVER forsake it. I’ve seen a not insignificant amount of fanart that puts Robin into clothing that’s clearly Ylissean in cut, style, and/or pattern, and this drives me up the wall because Robin is canonically one of our very few characters of Plegian heritage, someone who goes around throughout the entire game in a coat that bears the literal emblem of Grima in the eye-patterned sleeves -- something that’s preserved in their Grandmaster class, no less, rather than quietly done away with. That coat is clearly important to them, and deep down -- even with all their memories buried out of direct reach -- I think their cultural heritage as a Plegian is of the utmost importance to them, such that they would only go without some show or sign or it if they were forced to do so.

Basically, in my personal opinion, Robin should always have Plegian touches in whatever they wear but ESPECIALLY if it’s otherwise Ylissean in appearance. Erasing Robin’s Plegian heritage is really gross to me personally, and funny enough, even IntSys didn’t do that for once, so fandom should really have no excuse.

What’s one thing I wish would have happened with this character in canon?

For Robin? Either meeting their mom should she still be alive, or at least getting back their memories. It does make sense that Robin started the game as an amnesiac because it let us learn through them, and made a lot of the revelations really pack a punch -- but after a certain point? I really, really wish that Robin’s memories would have come back to them so that we could find out more of who they were before and what their experiences had been. Even before a full return of those memories, they could have done simple things, stuff like reactions based on muscle memory or reflexive training that surprise them sometimes, or stated feelings of deja vu -- but later in the game (and supports) I really wish they would have give us something that tells us more about their life; what would be especially nice is if those returning memories involve Grimleal rituals or teachings, because I think it would have been really powerful to have someone we love and care for so much (as our player avatar) shining a better light on the much-maligned faith of Ylisse’s neighboring nation.

I’m very, very biased about that, though.

and BONUS: Grima time

How do I feel about this character?

I’m pretty sure that at one point, if you searched up the #grima tag, mine was one of the top blogs that came up (though I’ve been getting lazy and tagging less by character lately so I’ve fallen out of there). I’m also pretty sure that most of the people following me ended up here because of all the Grima content I started pouring out when the first one dropped in Heroes. Grima is one of those characters who I write about exhaustively and who subtly manages to play a role in most of my Awakening fic, including the ones where they don’t physically appear (I call those Grima Sightings and frankly I would love it if people tried to spot them).

...I think Grima has just taken over a part of my brain and to be perfectly honest I’m okay with that.

Who do I ship this character with romantically?

Emmeryn. That’s it. That’s the only character I have ever or frankly will ever ship Grima with because that was already something that came out of left field I literally cannot imagine anyone else managing to spark the same reaction a second time.

Who is my brOTP for this character?

Robin, honestly. I love the idea of Robin and Grima interactions where the two end up becoming close as friends and confidantes, regardless of the situation. Is it kind of heartbreaking when it’s the whole “Grima’s in control and Robin’s in the backseat” situation? Undoubtedly, but it’s also really moving to consider that they might learn how to work together and help each other and work toward a shared purpose.

And also Grima getting parenting advice from Robin in Heroes during the early days of the creche is A+++ in my opinion.

What’s my Unpopular Opinion™ about this character?

Aside from the idea that Grima is in fact the most parental of dragons and broods in the literal chicken sense or my giant conspiracy theory that Grima came to the past to do the same thing Lucina did (avert the ruined future)? It’s probably that Grima is not an instigator of conflict or chaos: they’re antisocial and would prefer to distance themselves for the sake of having some peace and quiet rather than getting dragged into yet more conflict based on human preconceptions or judgments based on appearance.

Fandom at large loves to play Grima as unrelenting evil and constantly in competition with the Awakening folks (especially the Exalted lineage) but...that doesn’t make any sense to me personally? Grima hasn’t really asked for anything that’s happened to them: they’ve been used and abused by humanity by their own admission, and Validar is just the latest in the line to do the same, causing unspeakable harm for the sole purpose of raising Grima to destroy the world at his own bidding. Yeah, maybe Grima doesn’t have the best feelings toward the Exalted Lineage, but also why would Grima be the one picking the fight? If you mess with Grima the Fell Dragon will step up (Vengeful Fighter is their innate B passive in Heroes, quite likely for a reason), but I really don’t see them going out of their way to cause trouble. They just want to be left in peace, but humans really don’t seem to get that. Yes, the fanart can be funny, but it also rings false to me, because I really think Grima would just flat-out ignore the Exalted lineage unless they make the confrontation, at which point Grima won’t hold back.

What’s one thing I wish would have happened with this character in canon?

First of all I really do wish we could have seen a peaceful resolution with Grima rather than having to destroy them, especially considering that the Fell Dragon really didn’t seem all that interested in hurting anybody even after raising the dragon form (see the aforementioned conspiracy theory). Grima has been hurt so many times throughout their life that I think it would have been deeply meaningful if we could have reached out in an attempt at understanding, to have come to a non-violent resolution, and found peace without someone needing to die for once. When Grima purposefully abstains from nuking the group that poses a threat to their life upon resurrecting their impossibly huge and powerful dragon form and instead flies out over the ocean -- so far they need Naga herself to teleport them -- it kind of says a lot about how much Grima really wants to fight (answer: they clearly don’t).

Other than that, though? Just...give us more of Grima in general. Tell us more about their history, especially the thousand years between their emergence from Thabes Labyrinth and their fall at the hands of the First Exalt. I want to know more of that history, I want to see how they treated the humans that flocked to them, even knowing that those same humans would eventually break Grima’s spirit. We just have so few crumbs about Grima, I want more than anything to get a meal instead.

Give Me a Character

#answered #unsuspecting-person #meme #fire emblem: awakening #robin #grima #i stand by both my ot3 and my crack ship okay #but wow these really got out of hand whoops #i could have written more no less #but i tried to rein it in at least a little bit

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rotationalsymmetry · 3 years ago

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(This post is speculating about how an otherwise well-meaning person can end up with radfem politics. If it's going to be unpleasant for you to read that, well, this is your content warning. I generally hold the position that understanding where behavior might be coming from is not excusing the behavior or minimizing the harm that it causes. And this isn't going to stop me from blocking radfems.) (I probably should be posting more about specifically trans women's issues though. I tend to assume people get it but of course people don't really get it unless they're exposed to the concepts.) There's this really appalling thing about this site (not just this site) where once you take a stance you just get pushed to one extreme or the other. So where you end up is often as much to do with which dumbass take you started arguing against first as where you started initially. So I can really see how someone would start with "I want to talk about how women's pockets are too small because this is annoying" or "I want to talk about how I was in an abusive relationship/family and no one was willing to help me" or "why do I have to wear makeup to work when men just have to shower and comb their hair????" and just end up with the people who talk about this the most, who are the radfems. If the transphobia or something else doesn't push you in the opposite direction again, perhaps because you've never really thought about trans issues and your first real exposure is some people calling terfs misogynistic slurs. (Is a terf reblogging someone calling a terf misogynistic slurs. But I mean that does happen.) I do not like it. Like the frustrating thing is, basically everything that distinguishes radical feminism from other strains of feminism is something I disagree with. And yet. Also. I hate the way women's clothes are revealing and sexualized. I hate that I can't find clothes that are shaped for women but stylized like men's clothes. (I have this one t-shirt from Torrid that I love for its stripes and its colors and this incredible magic where it somehow makes my body look less curvy, and yet...it's got a fucking v-neck. It's a shirt that in every way is butch/masc friendly, except instead of a crew neck it's got a v-neck. Why. My point is every single piece of women's clothing is like that, any masculine attributes are "balanced" by some feminine attribute.) I hate the social expectation that women should shave off leg hair and armpit hair. I hate the commercialization of women's magazines. I hate how so much of women's professional wear, especially the dressier end, (heels, for instance) corresponds perfectly with what men tend to find sexually appealing. I hate bras. I hate sexual harassment. I hate the centrality of PIV sex in sex between men and women. I dislike compulsory male/female romance plotlines in stories and I don't like how queer romances are sidelined and omitted. I hate "sex sells" and butts and boobs poses in comics and the way that kid's movies have princess heroines with romance-dominated plotlines and male protagonists and rarely anything else. A lot of the building blocks that can make a foundation that radical feminism builds on top of, are very much building blocks that I have. I can very easily see how someone who was in many ways similar to me, but just without certain ideas about sex positivity and trans people, would get there. And it's just luck that when I was doing a deep dive on abuse and rape culture I got there through sex positive feminism, blogs like the Pervocracy, Shakesville, Captain Awkward, Yes Means Yes. It's basically pure coincidence. It's not coincidence that that stuff is hard to find on this site now. Pretty sure it's extremely closely related to Sesta/Fosta and NSFW blogs getting kicked off. I mean, I wasn't on here before the ban. But I'm pretty sure that dramatically altered the ecosystem. Def the pervocracy blogger moved over to Twitter and hasn't come back. I'm guessing that's a part of a much larger pattern.

#sexuality #sex acts mention #rape mention #abuse mention #terfs #radfems #radfem sympathy #I definitely can't be mad at the people who left #but it does mean the people who are still here #get a stronger gravitational pull towards radical feminism #with few visible alternatives other than abandoning feminism entirely #or allowing it to take a distant back seat to other counteroppressive politics

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beauty-grace-outer-space · 4 years ago

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you mentioned something a little while back about trauma anniversaries? would you be comfortable explaining what it means and what its about?

Sure thing.

So.. trauma anniversaries are complicated, and vary from person to person, but the general idea is that when one experiences a traumatic event (or events, plural, centered around a specific time period), the brain/body stores that information and (as with other PTSD reactions) sometimes has an uncontrollable and unpredictable response to it.

“Many trauma survivors experience challenging “anniversary reactions,” which are defined as ‘unique set[s] of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.’ When a survivor finds themselves in the midst of a trauma anniversary, they often are forced to re-live feelings from the traumatic event, causing symptoms like increased anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, nightmares, and irritable outbursts.”

Our bodies hold on to trauma in an effort to protect us, but sometimes those signals get mixed and bad feelings get tied to a time period, which is not particularly useful in most cases.

This time of year makes me a bit wonky in general, with the changing of the seasons and the temperature drop, but October is also an anniversary for an event that changed my life and dramatically impacted my mental health... and I didn’t realize that it was affecting me until I was already deep in it this go round.

I hate talking about it like this, because of the age old dichotomy of “it wasn’t that bad” and “it was bad enough and it’s affecting me”. I’m still working on accepting this stuff without falling into the mental trap that I’m “whining about nothing” and that “other people have it worse”. They do. Someone always does. But that doesn’t mean that the stuff that’s happened to me isn’t bad.

I don’t know how much information you’re looking for, or if you’re asking about my experience specifically, but I’m still a bit off so what the hell.

I already have issues with fall and the beginning of the school year for various reasons that I won’t go into. So this time of year is always tricky. But...

For those who don’t already know, five years and fifteen days ago, I called my grandmother and she told me she was going to kill herself. I was the only one home, I had just turned 23 years old two weeks beforehand, she had told me she was having a hard time affording some things, and I had offered to make her an appointment with a therapist and with a new primary care physician and to pay for it all so she could keep taking her medication.

I called to ask her what day might work for an appointment so I could take the time off work, pick her up, take her to lunch, and then drive her to the appointment, and she told me she was going to kill herself. She told me she had been saving up her pills, and that’s why she hadn’t been taking them. She told me she had discussed it with my grandfather, and that he knew and was ok with it, and they were going through their belongings so there would be “less for him to deal with” once she was gone and that she was “surprised I hadn’t caught on sooner”.

I kept her on the phone, kept her talking on my cell, and grabbed the home phone to start calling anyone I could think of. My mom, my dad, my aunt (with whom I had only reconciled five days before-- big misunderstanding, but still a lot), my mom’s cousin... no one would answer.

By the time my mom got home, I had been on the phone with my grandmother for over an hour, mid panic attack, and I was hyperventilating so hard I couldn’t see and I couldn’t stand. Your limbs go all tingly when you don’t retain enough carbon dioxide, and I remember trying to walk to her and collapsing. I gasped out an explanation, my mom took the reins, and we were able to get in touch with my aunt and get the necessary medical professionals on hand to give my grandmother a psychiatric evaluation and put her on a 72 hour hold.

We were at the hospital until nearly 4 in the morning before a nurse told us that they legally couldn’t release my grandmother because the doctor had mandated a three day safety hold, and that we should go home and get some rest. By the time we made it home, there was a message on our answering machine that a county examiner had released her and there was nothing more they could do.

I found out later, much later, that she had never stopped taking her meds. She’d never said a word to my grandfather. She had no intention of killing herself. She wanted a reaction from me, and she got one. She called my cousins and told them I was a liar. She called family members who have never even met me and told them how awful I am, and that I make things up for attention.

I waited a little over a week to call her. I recorded the call, so that I’d have proof if I needed it. It’s still on my harddrive somewhere. Two plus hours of her calling me a liar, telling me that conversation never happened, telling me that she’s ashamed of me, that she hopes no one in their right mind ever loves me because I’m a monster, that she pities my friends and anyone who has the misfortune of knowing me because I’ll stab them in the back too as soon as I want some attention. The list goes on and on.

That continued for a while. Whether or not it’s true, when someone you love tells you things over and over again, you can’t help but wonder.

I started having dreams that she was hitting me, and that people were letting her do it. I started having dreams that I was in a loving, committed relationship but came home one day to a seething partner who had just gotten off the phone with her and realized I was a worthless liar, and of them, too, turning abusive. I started having dreams that I was alone at the bottom of a deep, dark hole, and no one could hear me or try to get me out.

She decided one day that we were going to pretend nothing had ever happened, and I was forced to play along. All the while she’d still call and say awful things to me, then show up at family gathering like nothing was wrong. She’d say one thing to me, another to my family, and call me a liar to my face and behind my back. She kept telling friends and family that I was being abusive and manipulative to her.

It hit the point that I truly, genuinely couldn’t remember what she had said in that initial call, and I worried I had made it all up. Gaslighting at it’s finest.

It’s taken years to realize it, but every interaction I had with her following that date has been either abuse or manipulation. She spent months and months refusing to speak to me unless it was to tell me how horrible I am, then like flipping a switch one day I came home and there was a gift on my front porch from her. She’d ease up for a while, then suddenly be awful again. My entire life, she had always been the epitome of a perfect grandma... she’d take me on outings, buy me little gifts, bake with me at the holidays, sing songs with the grandkids, loved playing with us, we’d talk for hours on the phone, they came to dinner frequently. And now... it’s like a veil has been lifted and she’s unrecognizable.

I tried to maintain a relationship with her. She screamed at everyone at Easter a few years back that her silverware was more important to her than a relationship with me. I kept trying. She told a lawyer that my mom and I had “stolen her medical records” and were “forcing her to have medical procedures against her will”. I kept trying. She threatened to send a police officer to our house, accusing me of stealing. I kept trying.

And finally, last fall, I called to wish her a happy birthday, she began a tangent, and I realized I was so tired. I asked her outright if she wanted a relationship with me. She told me she couldn’t be bothered to think about it. I haven’t spoken to her since.

That one phone call cost me so, so much. I lost my relationship with my grandmother and my grandfather, by extension. Other family members have questioned if I’m lying to them, or if I made things up. I’ve questioned if I made things up.

In the midst of all of this, my father also completely shifted and I don’t know why. He started picking fights with me, almost constantly. If I tried to change the subject, I was too stupid to have a discussion. If I stayed silent, I clearly knew I was wrong. If I said anything in reply, I was lying. He throws things, when he’s mad. He kicks things. He used to punch walls. My mom has since said to me that if she had any idea that he would turn into this person, she wouldn’t have married him. Sometimes he’s great, sometimes he’s awful. I never know which version I’ll be dealing with.

I’ve spent nearly five straight years in therapy trying to deal with this. My original goal was not to hate my grandmother, or my father. It had to adapt to not hating myself because of what they said to me.

So October is hard. Because October is when my mind and body unconsciously remember things changing. Relationships I’d always counted on turned abusive. Nothing I said or did was safe. It’s dangerous.

I blew past the actual anniversary just feeling sort of... jittery. I’ve spent a few weeks feeling withdrawn and anxious and not knowing why. I had a noticeable uptick in old thought patterns and intrusive thoughts about self worth, self harm, etc.

Whether or not it’s logical, whether or not it makes sense... my self preservation has locked onto this time of year as unsafe, and it falls into old patterns in an attempt at protection. Old patterns include anxiety, difficulty eating regularly, issues with self worth, withdrawing from others, emotions very close to the surface, and a few other things.

And that’s where I’m at.

I’m ok, and I’ll be ok. I’ve got some experience dealing with this under my belt now, and I still see my therapist regularly. I’m talking to her next week. At the moment, I’m just trying to take care of me however it makes sense, and not doing anything dangerous or dumb.

So... that’s what I mean by trauma anniversary.

#trigger warnings #abuse #self harm mentioned but vaguely #trauma anniversary #I... really cannot control my words right now #I'm sorry for the word vomit #this is probably not at all what you were asking for

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mrjat396 · 4 years ago

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THE MANY HEALTH BENEFITS OF METH

In low, pharmaceutical-grade doses, methamphetamine may actually repair and protect the brain in certain circumstances. But stigma against the drug could be harming patients and holding back research.

TROY FARAHMAY 15, 2019

D-methamphetamine is what generally appears on the street—although it's often cut with other chemicals—whereas l-meth provides a less addictive, shorter-lived high that is less desirable among drug users.

(Photo: Fiona Goodall/Getty Images)

Ask your doctor about methamphetamine. It's not a phrase you'll ever hear on TV or the radio, but here's a secret: Meth is an incredible medicine. Even the Drug Enforcement Administration admits it, and doctors are known to prescribe it for narcolepsy, obesity, and ADHD. Historically, meth has been used to reverse barbiturate overdoses and even raise blood pressure during surgery. Some preliminary research suggests that meth can be neuroprotective against stroke and traumatic brain injury, even stimulating the growth of brain cells.

Yet we're constantly warned never to try meth—"not even once," goes the refrain—or it will instantly cause addiction and ruin your life. Before fentanyl was the demon drug du jour, meth was seen as the worst, most destructive, most evil chemical you could find on the streets. Even of late, if you ask the New York Times or NBC, you'll learn that meth, "the forgotten killer," is back with a "vengeance." Other outlets, from Rolling Stone to CNN to The Daily Beast, have raised the alarm about meth use in the context of the opioid overdose crisis.

Stimulant-related deaths are indeed on the rise in North America—in some regions, meth is even more prevalent than heroin. Surveying drug overdoses in America from 1979 through 2016, researchers wrote in Science in September of 2018 that "Methamphetamine deaths have increased most dramatically in the western and southwestern United States."

Meth poisonings accounted for an estimated 14,845 hospitalizations in 2015, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), and another 15,808 emergency room visits. In 2016, around 7,500 people died from overdosing on stimulants, including meth. If you ask most people, including policymakers, you'll hear that meth is a scourge that can do no good.

But if you've ever used something like Vicks VapoInhaler, you've experienced the healing benefits of meth firsthand. That's because the over-the-counter nasal decongestant contains levomethamphetamine, the levorotary form—or "mirror image"—of the same stuff from Breaking Bad. Procter & Gamble tries to obscure this fact by spelling the active ingredient "levmetamfetamine." Selegiline, a drug for treating Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases, also metabolizes into levomethamphetamine.

There is a significant difference between these two opposing molecules. D-methamphetamine is what generally appears on the street—although it's often cut with other chemicals—whereas l-meth provides a less addictive, shorter-lived high that is less desirable among drug users. But people can and do use it recreationally. Abuse is rare, however, in part because the high is shitty, but also because d-meth is so widely available. It's easier to buy a more powerful form of the drug on the street than it is to try to extract it from over-the-counter medications.

Other Americans are prescribed actual, pure meth by their doctors. It happens less frequently these days, but in ADHD, obesity, or narcolepsy cases where nothing else has worked, a drug called Desoxyn (methamphetamine hydrochloride) can sometimes help. It can even be prescribed to children as young as seven.

It's important to make these distinctions. Meth didn't make a "comeback"; it never left. It can't return with a "vengeance" and it can't be "evil" because we're talking about a chemical compound here. It has no personality, no feelings, no intentions.

Thus it does a disservice to science and to medicine, as well as to the people who use these drugs responsibly, to treat a molecule with dualistic properties purely as a poison. And as recent research has shown, we're still uncovering some of the potential therapeutic benefits of methamphetamine. Confronting the stigma associated with meth and highlighting its benefits can better inform drug policy and addiction treatment.

(Photo: HO/Royal Thai Navy/AFP/Getty Images)

'IT'S JUST A STIMULANT, LIKE ANY OTHER STIMULANT'

For Jordan*, the meth he's prescribed works better against his ADHD with fewer side effects than the Adderall he'd been on for 20 years. About five years ago, Jordan asked his doctor if he could try methamphetamine. The doc said sure.

"The first time I brought it to the pharmacy, the pharmacist actually said to me, 'Oh, your doctor wrote this prescription wrong, this is the stuff that they make in meth labs,'" Jordan tells me by phone. "I told him to type 'Desoxyn' into the computer, and he did. He kind of backtracked, [but] he obviously had no idea."

Jordan, a middle-aged man from North Carolina who works in clinical research, now switches every three months between Adderall and Desoxyn to prevent building a tolerance to either stimulant.

Methamphetamine and amphetamine (one of the active ingredients in Adderall) are almost identical chemicals. The main difference between the two is the addition of a second methyl group to methamphetamine's chemical structure. This addition makes meth more lipid-soluble, allowing for easier access across the blood-brain barrier. Meth is therefore not only more potent, but also longer-lasting.

"The medications have definitely been important for me, to be productive, to be successful, not just at work but also in my personal life," Jordan says. "I've been on the medications for years, but I can take Adderall or methamphetamine and take a nap afterwards. I don't have any noticeable side effects."

Jordan also doesn't feel "high" from the doses he takes—approximately 10 to 15 milligrams of meth per day. Doses at this level are well tolerated by most people. It's very difficult to estimate the typical dosages of illicit meth taken on the street, but they are generally many times higher and taken every couple of hours. Further, the route of administration—typically, users smoke or inject illicit meth—allows for more of the drug to enter the bloodstream than taking a prescription pill.

At high doses, meth gives a rush of euphoria, boosting attention span, zapping fatigue, and decreasing appetite. Intense sexual arousal, talkativeness, and rapid thought patterns are also common. Body temperature and heart rate shoot up, which can cause irregular heartbeat, increasing the risk of seizures. If taken repeatedly over long periods, street meth can be highly neurotoxic, inducing paranoia and psychosis.

But illicit meth is also often used to self-medicate, according to Mark Willenbring, an addiction psychiatrist from St. Paul, Minnesota, with over 30 years of practice treating substance-use disorders. In Willenbring's experience, most of his patients who use illegal meth are treating undiagnosed ADHD.

"There's a high degree of comorbidity between substance-use disorders and ADD," Willenbring says. "They used meth for years in a controlled way, they never over-used it, they just used enough to get an effect, and then they stopped. One misconception is that it's always very addictive."

With most people who are addicted to meth, Willenbring says, you can't tell it just by looking at them. Carl Hart, a neuroscientist in Columbia University's Department of Psychology, agrees that the image of a snarling meth addict with bad teeth is a false stereotype. The dental damage so prevalent in anti-drug propaganda, he says, is more likely due to poor nutrition and lack of sleep—not to the drug. "There is no empirical evidence to support the claim that methamphetamine causes physical deformities," Hart wrote in a 2014 co-authored report.

"It's just a stimulant, like any other stimulant," Willenbring says. "It's a marketing issue."

Part of the reason Jordan asked to try Desoxyn in the first place was to see if he'd develop any of the "stereotypical meth addict problems," as he puts it. He hasn't.

"Those of us that know the reality have a responsibility to say, 'Hey, not that shooting up meth isn't bad, but the chemical itself isn't bad,'" Jordan says. "It's just misuse of the chemical that's bad."

For Joan*, a 66-year-old grandmother living off the grid in northern Georgia, Desoxyn makes her feel normal. "Not high, not hyped up, just normal," she tells me. She's been taking prescription meth since 2006, but first tried many other ADHD meds, such as Ritalin and Concerta, with poor results. But Desoxyn has not only helped her socialize, manage bills, and finish her master's degree in social work; it's also helped with Joan's depression and self-esteem.

"The only downside is the cost," she says. "It's one of the oldest drugs on the market, but even generic, it is outrageously expensive."

Still, meth isn't for everyone, of course. Kevin*, a 31-year-old artist from the Midwest, was first prescribed Desoxyn at age 15 to treat extreme fatigue and trouble focusing. But misdiagnosed mental-health issues—his doctors thought he had bipolar disorder, when in fact he had post-traumatic stress from childhood abuse—led to worsening symptoms.

"Being able to just take a bunch of pills that made the exhaustion go away for a while felt like a blessing, but it was just a Band-Aid on the problem," Kevin says. "I became completely dependent upon Desoxyn to function, and any lapse in taking my dose would result in a terrible energy crash."

"In retrospect, my neurologist at the time would have done well to consider the effects of intense stimulants on someone already prone to mania, insomnia, and hallucinations," he says. "I think Desoxyn has its merits as part of a treatment plan for attentive disorders, but that's the thing—it needs to be part of a larger understanding of how and why it might have a negative impact upon the patient's overall health, and should remain closely monitored throughout."

"Stigma is the lens [through] which we see all drug issues. It keeps us from making the best decisions. It is fear-based, not rational, not creative. Because of stigma, we have not fully addressed the opioid crisis."

(Photo: Guillermo Arias/AFP/Getty Images)

HOW METH CAN TREAT BRAIN INJURY—AND MUCH MORE

Street doses of meth can be extremely damaging to your health. The purity of such drugs is often unknown, and repeated, high doses of meth have been proven to be neurotoxic. But in low, pharmaceutical-grade doses, meth may actually repair and protect the brain in certain circumstances.

This was first discovered in 2008, when researchers at Queen's Medical Center Neuroscience Institute in Honolulu, Hawaii, analyzed five years of data on traumatic head injuries. They unexpectedly found that patients who tested positive for methamphetamine were significantly less likely to die from the injuries. The authors suggested that meth could have neuroprotective benefits.

To learn more, in 2011, a different team from the University of Montana applied meth to slices of rat brain that had been damaged to resemble the brains of stroke victims. Then they induced strokes in living rats, using a method called embolic MCAO, and injected them with methamphetamine. At low doses, the meth gave better behavioral outcomes and even reduced brain-cell death. At high doses, the meth made outcomes worse.

Because meth stimulates the flow of important neurotransmitters—dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine—the Montana researchers theorized that methamphetamine may provide neuroprotection through multiple pathways. David Poulsen, one of the researchers involved, says this was a "serendipitous discovery."

"So we decided, well, if it worked in stroke, it's probably going to work really well in traumatic brain injury," says Poulsen, now a neurosurgeon at the University of Buffalo who specializes in treatments for protecting the brain after severe damage.

Traumatic brain injury, or TBI, occurs after a violent smash to the skull. Its consequences include concussions on the mild end and coma or death on the severe end. TBI kills around 50,000 Americans annually, according to the CDC, while about 2.8 million of us visit the emergency room for TBI-related injuries every year. There is currently no Food and Drug Administration-approved treatment for TBI.

So, Paulson and his team reasoned, if meth can already be prescribed for children, why not to adults with TBI?

To test the proposition, Poulsen and colleagues gave TBI to rats. Giving an animal brain trauma isn't easy, but for more than two decades, there's been a trick called the rat lateral fluid percussion injury model: Simply cut a hole in the skull of a rat and apply water pressure to the brain.

About half the rodents—19 male Wistar rats—were given this treatment, and eight of these were then given meth. The rats given meth performed better at a task called the Morris water maze, a widely used experiment that involves plopping a rat into a pool of water with a hidden platform. By tracking how long it takes the rodent to find the platform, scientists can measure many different aspects of cognitive function.

"By the third day of training, there were no statistically significant differences between the uninjured control rats and the injured rats that had been treated with methamphetamine," Poulsen and his colleagues wrote.

But the team also found that low doses of meth were protecting immature neurons, while also promoting the birth of new brain cells that are important for learning and memory. The same was also true for rats that were given meth, but not injured.

"We see not just little, but very significant improvements in cognition and behavior," Poulsen says. "Their memories improved, functional behavior is improved.... It's not a trivial difference."

"In light of the fact that low-dose methamphetamine is FDA-approved for use in juveniles and adults, we see no valid reason why it cannot be utilized in human clinical trials for stroke and TBI," Poulsen and colleagues concluded in 2016.

But those clinical trials, considered the gold standard for testing medication, have yet to materialize, even while a 2018 retrospective study found similar results to the Hawaiian neuroscience report: Out of 304 patients with TBI, those who also tested positive for meth had better recovery results than those who did not. "The potential neuroprotective role of meth and other similar substances cannot be ignored," the authors wrote in Clinical Neurology and Neurosurgery last July.

There are limited conclusions that we can draw about these rodent and retrospective studies, and it's probably unlikely that nurses will soon start giving meth to people who have cracked their skulls. Still, a wide variety of stimulant therapies for TBI is being explored, with positive results. These include trials with modafinil, a narcolepsy drug; amantadine, a Parkinson's drug; and dextroamphetamine, one of the components of Adderall. But there's still no indication of a single clinical trial for methamphetamine for TBI registered with the National Institutes of Health.

Methylphenidate, also known as Ritalin, seems to be the stimulant most popular in these trials. For example, in 2004, researchers at Drucker Brain Injury Center at MossRehab Hospital in Pennsylvania gave methylphenidate, better known as Ritalin, to 34 patients with moderate to severe TBI. They reported significant improvements in information processing and attention.

Twelve years later, in Gothenburg, Sweden, another 30 patients suffering from prolonged fatigue following TBI were given methylphenidate and observed for six months. They also showed improved cognitive function and reduced fatigue. But a 2016 meta-analysis of 10 controlled trials found the main benefit of giving methylphenidate for TBI was increased attention, "whereas no notable benefit was observed in the facilitation of memory or processing speed," the authors wrote. They encouraged more research into appropriate dosages and length of prescription.

Birgitta Johansson, a neuroscientist at the University of Gothenburg and lead author of the Swedish study, suggests caution whenever treating someone with a brain injury. "With methylphenidate, it is important to be aware about possible side effects, [such] as increased blood pressure and heart rate and also risk of anxiety," she says. "It is always very important to prescribe medication with care and follow the patient carefully."

But the reason meth isn't studied more rigorously—for TBI, for Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, for stroke—could also come down to money. Methamphetamine is off-patent, meaning there may be less financial incentive for pharmaceutical companies to explore the drug's potential uses. Consider Vyvanse, a drug first marketed in 2007, with a new formulation introduced in 2017, that racked up $2.1 billion in sales in 2017. Desoxyn, which is sold by three companies, only earned about $9.3 million in 2009.

While Methamphetamine may not be widely recognized as medicine, it clearly has potential to heal as well as harm. Recognizing the duality of meth is arguably all the more essential in the face of a rising stimulant overdose crisis.

"Stigma regarding any substance use or substance use disorder is counterproductive," says Dan Ciccarone, professor of family medicine at the University of California–San Francisco. He says the overdose crisis is shifting from opioids to stimulants and that we are not prepared for the next wave. "Stigma is the lens [through] which we see all drug issues. It keeps us from making the best decisions. It is fear-based, not rational, not creative. Because of stigma, we have not fully addressed the opioid crisis."

That stigma remains a major hurdle, and until doctors and public-health officials counteract this kind of messaging, it seems unlikely that a multinational pharmaceutical company would risk marketing a substance only believed to be toxic and deadly.

"Everything will kill you, if you take enough of it," Poulsen says. "Some things don't require a lot to do that. Meth is one of those things. But just like any drug, the difference between a poison and a cure is the dose."

*These names have been changed.

TAGSALZHEIMER'SADDERALLTRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURIESFEATURES & INVESTIGATIONSMETHAMPHETAMINEMETHTOPIC: HEALTH CARE

BY TROY FARAH

Troy Farah is an independent journalist and photographer in California. His reporting on science, health, and narcotics has appeared in Wired, Ars Technica, Smithsonian, Discover, Vice, and elsewhere. He co-hosts the drug policy podcast Narcotica.

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theseerasures · 4 years ago

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@counterpunches submitted:

Once again there are too many to choose so I’m going to pick too many, but really it’s your fault no I won’t be taking any criticism.

how me that solvable problem

ethically sourced kid!Elsa

well this prompt feels custom made to talk about self-harm

she drops the silver chain of sound

a love sTRONGER THAN BLOOD SISTERS r u kitten me

oh hey! you picked some that actually ended up too unwieldy to keep writing in longhand

show me that solvable problem: post-Frozen II canon divergence where Arendelle sank under the sea like a good little metaphor on sins of the father. kinda your typical “but what does it actually MEAN to step into ur power, mum” thing on both Elsa and Anna’s side, with a side helping of Honeymaren/Elsa, Kristoff discovering ~his past, and uh. a lot of political talk on indigenous knowledge and politics of redress (Arendellians are refugees now, Northuldra have been settler colonized for decades, what do?? that kinda stuff)–almost too much, but ultimately a reasonable amount!

ethically sourced kid!Elsa: stems from my…uh. inability to understand the appeal of present day Elsa meeting a POST-Incident kid!Elsa when obviously her meeting a PRE-Incident kid!Elsa has so much more inherent drama. kid!Elsa steps into an idk portal and shows up at the castle in the post-Frozen II world. it’s been a few years; Anna is VERY comfortable with her current life and is expecting her first child, so um. the child version of her older sister showing up out of the blue throws her into a not-insubstantial tailspin. present!Elsa superficially is more capable of keeping it in stride, but the elephant in the room of “well do we TELL her what’s coming” just looms larger and larger until it all ends in tears, because Elsa and Anna disagree about what to do, and it ends up being their first no holds barred FIGHT, where they both accuse each other of being selfish and they’ve somehow turned into the worst parts of their parents. Kristoff, Sven, and Olaf spend most of their time basically being Bow from season 4 of She-Ra; Honeymaren meets the kid version of her now-girlfriend, immediately and justifiably is like “wow! weird vibe,” grabs Ryder and leaves. poor, poor kid!Elsa is a) kind of a hellion, pre-Incident, which everyone forgot about, and b) comes to a whole slew of horrible realizations, beginning with the fact that her parents are both dead now, Anna is being weird and closed off around her, her present self is being less weird but apparently did something HORRIBLE that no one will talk about, and it’s. it’s bad. if someone has any advice on how to tag dialogue with two characters that are the same character, just time-displaced, that would be lovely, because the closest i came was that kid!Elsa would be called Kid Elsa ala Kid Flash and obviously present!Elsa would be The Elsa (and they fight crime! jk they cry a lot and kid!Elsa ends up throwing hands with her older self, by which i mean Elsa gets a nice taste of what being shot to the heart with ice magic feels like)

well this prompt feels custom made to talk about self-harm: the prompt was “angst, loss, scar,” so. five times Elsa didn’t scar. the self-harm part comes in a few times, but the reason i approached it at all was because i imagined Elsa going through a ~phase as an adolescent where she tore through every medical text she could get her hands on to find out what’s wrong with her, and it…spiraled into thinking some dark thoughts about what would happen, since the magic mostly comes out of her hands, if she…hurt them in some way. she ends up being too chickenshit to go through with it because she’s THIRTEEN, ELSA WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO BREAK YOUR THUMB. it ballooned out into a longer meditation on Elsa grappling with her not-quite humanity, where she’s never entirely sure what rules of mortality apply to her (all of them actually! Elsa u fucking melon), going all the way to post-Frozen II, where she’s…weirdly maudlin about her death leaving no trace on her physical body, until Anna shows up. they actually end up talking about Mattias, and the ways he’s visibly aged from his portrait (Anna commissioned a new one for him)–it all ends with something about how, like. yes living does leave its marks on you but maybe Elsa should stop thinking about it in such extreme ways, and also see a therapist

she drops the silver chain of sound: another *sigh* RWBY fic, this one charting Winter and Robyn’s relationship in universe, from Academy years to post-canon. i haven’t been able to find any fic about them that responsibly handles the nuances of Winter a) being abused a lot of multi-layered ways, but also b) being complicit in war crimes and her own transformation into an instrument instead of a person, and (as of V7) STEADFASTLY COMMITTED TO IT. basically starting from the place of “Robyn doesn’t owe Winter jack shit and is Busy, it’s Winter’s responsibility to change herself,” and trying to be realistic about the ways Winter would and would not let herself change. truth kink! it’s a thing with them. a lot of talk about agency and identity, and weird detours about how Cartesian dualism is a tool of the colonizer–but honestly, you can’t make one of your main mechanics be “an extension of the soul” and not expect me to inject some woo

a love sTRONGER THAN BLOOD SISTERS r u kitten me: to answer your PS about which fires i’m embleming: i started with Sacred Stones and then moved through Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn (still have no idea what a Fire Emblem is, which i think is v sexy of me). Radiant Dawn has some BONKER-TASTIC sapphic moments–your standard “i’m queen but i’m shy” archetype has a ladyfriend who is the CAPTAIN OF HER GUARD. Captain gets taken hostage, gets her hair lopped off (…by a professional hairdresser i guess, since this is what she looks like after) and sent to Shy Queen in a VERY STANDARD “i have your precious” moment and then has to debate over saving the Captain or the Kingdom and it’s just. so

anyways of course the extreme gayness goes blithely unacknowledged for the rest of the game, and the epilogue has the AUDACITY to say that their bond was “stronger than blood sisters,” which is…fine! it’s fine. the fic is mostly just about actually ADDRESSING the intimacy that they have through some hair washing.

PS: i’ve started Awakening, which a) looks promising re: knowing what a Fire Emblem, and b) has caused me to start a new WIP called “NO YOU’RE NOT YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY LAURA BAILEY”

PPS: appreciate the recurrence of Standard Nintendo Plot Pattern Sigma (gender fuckery to stop a bad time thing), which i THINK is what’s happening in Awakening–no one tell me if i’m right tho!!! i wanna keep speculating about whether ~~~Marth is my daughter or my grandma’s niece or Taylor Swift’s second cousin

#self harm tw #just in caseys #submission

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merry-melody · 5 years ago

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umbrella academy s2 thoughts

Or you can read here if you prefer. Formatting’s probably easier there and this is like 4k, so be warned.

So, was not much of a fan. (Wasn't surprised to learn none of the S1 writers were retained into this season, either!)

I feel like it's a little early for this show to be separating the siblings into New Lives, considering how little they interacted throughout the first season.

I would have liked more childhood flashbacks, having an additional Reginald subplot in a show stuffed with seven (or six and a half) leads seems a choice when it didn't link into the siblings in any meaningful way.

It also made all the siblings curiously less sympathetic, as Diego and Luther in particular, but also Vanya and Klaus to an extent, are berated for showing any kind of effect of their upbringing; but without much 'showing' of said upbringing (or emotional impact at all from the last season - Vanya's obviously out for that own with the hackneyed amnesia plot; Diego is completely over Patch's death - and Grace's, for that matter, although she does at least get acknowledged; and Klaus for some reason seems to have stopped seeing ghosts 99% of the time.)

I'm very mistrustful, as I mentioned in my S1 notes, that the show will in any way support Reginald's abuse, whether it be the siblings furthering their patterns of copying him without learning to recognise and address this; or by some kind of time loop casuality bullshit.

This season didn't really allay that, just with the general tone - the line Vanya had about sarcastically saying he was loving, or Five calling him 'no boy scout' just seem tonally a very different vibe from S1, like there were already aspects of that where it felt like none of them except Klaus really acted like they'd been raised by a guy who outright harmed them so much as a tough Professor type; and here it seems to double down on that idea.

Five in particular was almost his father's yes man to an extent, he had several lines about how right their father was; although it was intriguing to see Diego reference how Reginald may have become even worse after Five's disappearance with that 'golden years' remark.

I was intrigued by the lizard reveal, though.

So, Luther wise...hmmm.

Also, on shallow notes, the hair and fashion was really lacking from last season, like apart from Allison/Emmy who looked lovely in the 60s clothes (and Five, Ben and Vanya, who remained pretty much the same), everyone looked worse (even Luther had a little Tintin grown out hairdo going on!)

Didn't love the toilet humour, either, but again, YMMV.

He was a little more likeable than S1, I appreciated how he acknowledged his own failings (which iirc, no one else but Vanya really did all season, and since she didn't recall hers at the time, there wasn't as much emotional impact) - although the cocked gun lessened it a little, lol. And the return of that lovely musical score during, too, nice touch.

It was good to see at least two scenes with him and Vanya interacting, and for them to return to the Five/Luther duo.

It was also interesting to see how Luther, like all his siblings, projects his own feelings onto others, (like his first instinct being that Vanya's pulling some 'bullshit game' when obviously, Vanya was pretty upfront when she lost it; whereas it was Luther who was the one scamming her into the hug-n-choke.)

I liked them bonding over Five being an asshole, too.

(Although I think once again, the lack of trust between the siblings was almost contrived, like Luther in particular seems genuinely pissed off that Five didn't, what, let them all die in a fiery death? I get that they grew up in an environment that promoted mistrust and that they don't really seem to understand their own powers or each others, and Five never explains when he makes a mistake, anyway, but I'm just not sure what Luther's ideal outcome here was.)

I'm clearly an asshole also, because the 'Rooming House for Solitary Men' sign made me laugh every time they showed it.

I feel like some of his characterisation was unsubtly telegraphed (although that's a complaint over all, not just him specific) - like they decided 'sensitive' was their key word there, and just jam in everyone referring to him as that rather than showing it. (...Is Luther sensitive? Like, not dragging him, I'd just not pick that at all for him as a description.)

I also didn't much enjoy the pairing of him and Diego, like to be honest, it was never a pairing even from S1 that I was particularly fascinated by, it's such a well-worn dynamic; and while at least they weren't bickering over numbers, the dude bro banter ('women, amirite?!') and matching lack of IQ (I never thought I'd say Diego seemed dumber than cracking a raw egg to posture, and yet...) was just kind of lowhanging fruit.

I also feel like the goon for Jack Ruby stuff seemed inserted purely for plot contrivance to link to JFK.

(This is also a universal complaint, but I really felt for the actors doing promo, like they come up with all these well thought out explanations about why their characters are making these choices, but the work doesn't really show up in the writing or what was shown onscreen. IIRC, Tom Hopper was talking about Jack Ruby as a replacement father figure and how it's Luther's first stab at independence in terms of supporting himself; and there's this whole thing of Ruby saying he treated Luther like a son, when really, he's in like, two scenes and Luther is very clearly a paid goon. Which isn't to say that's not supporting yourself, a job's a job! I just felt like it didn't really go anywhere.)

I liked the idea that he's the only one who looked for their dad; I liked him still eating his feelings, funnily enough, it's just a good character note.

I don't particularly have investment in him and Allison one way or another yet - I don't care about the moral indignation; I just feel like when they're together, it seems one part them being smug about the others, one part yearning based on the same plot as S1 (she's moved on but seems to want to keep Luther as her back up guy.) Like, I'd love to see those two actually interact over something based on their disparate characters (what would Allison have said if she'd heard Luther's little defense of the Feds to Five?)

There's also a return to that odd juxtaposition from S1 of Klaus' drinking with Luther taking drugs cheerfully and to no effect. (I'm not expecting a DARE commercial, it's just all over the place in tone. That, and I thought Luther 'waSN't ReADy for THaT!')

(This isn't Diego specific, either, but they also do that thing I hate in TV, where they purposefully reference someone specifically in the episode before they rereturn, and Diego got the short straw on that one with the Pogo mention apropros of nothing, so we know we'll see Baby!Pogo shortly.)

Diego: Again, lots of telegraphing. (Do you think the writers want to get across Diego has a hero complex? I wasn't clear after he cat leaps through dimensions, stops a mugging, obsessively stalks JFK, and almost everyone he meets literally holds up placards mentioning 'DIEGO HAS A HERO COMPLEX'.)

Diego got a lot more time onscreen, which is a plus, but the haircut combined with his role as plot monkey made it a neutral point.

I also think Castaneda got the short straw on some of dialogue this year, oof, that Luke Skywalker 'it's a great reference' dialogue felt a bit try hard.

(Sheehan also took a body blow later with the 'Sexy trash!' one, ouch, like that felt very Designed to Retweet/Gif.

No one's topped S1 for blatant exposition yet, though: 'You haven't been sober since you were a teen! Not since you started taking drugs to block the ghosts out.')

Randomly, I liked the decent English accent he pulled out of nowhere. And again, David Castaneda I believe, mentioned Patch's death, so it's neat that he thought about the impact of her death on his character, even though it wasn't evident in the plot.

As I mentioned up top, I think Diego kind of suffered from the same thing Klaus did last year, where upon he seems to be the only one who recalls they were actually brought up in an abusive environment; and yet here the focus seems more generic to Diego's a baby (right down to constantly talking about 'bad guys' like a three year old) who has masculinity issues about his mean pop (who tbh, seems to be presented as entirely correct in labelling him a fuckwit, since he behaves like one pretty much all season: 'We chop off his trigger finger!')

(Also there's that contrived Batman style ethics that came up with Luther last year, where they're like 'We can quip over bodies and we grew up literally murdering people', but for some reason, Diego won't 'kill a man before he's committed a crime' (he can stalk one, and cut off his hand, though?)

Likewise, there wasn't a ton of interaction between him and Allison, like in S1, I enjoyed how they kind of overcame their initial mutual dislike with small moments of bonding; whereas here he has to be prompted to talk to her (and that was an adlib, which again, means the actors were considering something the writers overlooked.)

Last year I talked about how much I enjoyed Diego's character and how they walked a very fine line between him combining his desire to be the stereotypical macho figure with his innate sensitivity, so naturally this season we get him butchified to a factor of ten ('I'm the man, here!' 'You're a big pussy!') and almost zero interactions with Klaus, the person besides Grace who brought that out the most last year.

(What happened to those two, last time we saw them they were pretty much the closest in the family besides the Allison/Vanya link; here, Diego's almost contemptous. Has he levelled up in his mind now he's bffs with Luther?) I wanted to find the scene with him and Ben endearing, since we get so few interactions with Ben and any one besides Klaus, but it wasn't even that personally linked to them beyond 'Remember our one specific memory? Anyways, lolz, u should keep Klaus' body, idgaf.')

Allison Allison I think suffers from a lot of the same problems as she was introduced with - like Vanya, her powers are kind of linked to a lack of control in a way that the guys aren't; and a lot of her development is offscreen.

I actually really enjoyed the episode focusing on her, though, I thought it was one of the strongest of the season.

Her husband got a bit OTT with his catchphrase - where Diego's was 'JFK', Ray's was very clearly ' the movement!' and I found it odd how easily all the siblings but especially Allison gave up on returning to their own time and committed to another relationship built on lies (albeit this time of omission - baby steps!) but I kind of like that, like that's Allison, kind of co-dependent and self-deceiving.

Really, I feel like Allison's more interesting when they plunge into her darker side, I was riveted in the 'more!' scene, as well as the 'I heard a rumour you killed your brother'.

I think it's especially important as she's a WOC, which this season focused on more, like, it's very important not to fall into the common writing trap where the guys are allowed to be vindictive or needy or selfish and the women are there to be the moral guidance (for the same reason, I also loved the Five/Vanya stand-off); and that goes double for the model minority bit.

I was worried that they'd fall into the trap of Allison needing to be twice as good not just with how the sit-ins were portrayed but also generally (she speaks seven languages! She makes extensive notes on the state of race relations with specific regard to Dallas in the 1960s!) and once more, it seemed like Emmy Raver Lampman was trying to put across a more interesting read on Allison in terms of how isolated she was from any awareness of oppression in the outer world, first in the Academy and then through being a powerful celebrity and the contrast that creates for her in Dallas which didn't quite get met by the writing/direction.

It was great to see how she got to become part of a community in a way the others didn't, also, and particularly being protected by the beauty shop ladies when she arrived; like, the imbalance of genders as well as races in the Academy genuinely made it refreshing to see.

(The relapse is also very up and down in tone, like they make attempts at pathos, but it's also accompanied by the Styx soundtrack/60s light effects...)

Klaus and Ben - Probably my least favourite aspect of this season.

There was a bunch of telling not showing (Klaus' three year sobriety being expressed in Ben's expository sentence and that .5 second shot of him turning down a joint) and once you remove the biggest impacts on Klaus' character (the addiction and his power) without explanation, you're basically left with 'Klaus causes problems for himself for comedic value.'

I don't really care about who fights well or which powers are developed (didn't read the comics, don't plan to) but it seems to be like the best portrayals of superheroes show the powers as metaphors for their lives - Vanya struggles to control her emotions, Ben feels powerless, etc. If you take away the powers, you take away the reasoning behind the character.

Why is Ben pretty much the only ghost (particularly when in S1, they seemed ever-present)? How or why did Klaus learn to summon them in the alt-apocalypse?

I liked the scene of Klaus interacting with Ray before they find out he's married to Allison, that was cute.

I also liked seeing him interact with Vanya and Allison (there was an interesting shot where Allison says she has a life she worked for, and Klaus smiles - is that because in contrast, he doesn't? I'd have liked them to acknowledge the link between cults and celebrity, tbh, those two have a lot in common. Or is it because she isn't using her power and neither is he?), and I thought it was cool to note how when the group are reunited, they fall into a power structure right away.

Like, right away, Klaus sells out Vanya and Allison to the guys ('It's usually Vanya!' or mentioning how Allison's being 'involved in community politics'.) Likewise, everyone kowtows to Five, then Luther, over the rest (like when Five says they won't go with Vanya to the farm) and no one speaks up for Diego in front of Reginald.

I want to give the others the benefit of the doubt and say they were kind of shitty to Klaus in particular in this season because they were in a group, because it's a huge downgrade in compassion (especially since Allison was like, covering him with a blanket when they're alone.)

Like, I get sibling culture, I have 'em, but I feel like when you're bringing possible 'seizures' up, you're sort of skirting what's then played as comedic (Luther dragging him, the 'check please' line), especially Diego's: 'He's probably having an overdose.' (Kinda seeing why no one rushed to join Team Zero.)

Like, he and Klaus do just kind of seem contrivedly not communicating - I would think after the isolation, you'd crack through boredom if nothing else.

Ben's kind of an odd duck - I feel like with Steve Blackman's comments, he's supposed to be this philosophical voice of reason; but tbh, he seems as self-involved as Klaus, and if anything, they mirrored each other (that line in S1 about Klaus being cowardly plays a little differently after the revelation 'He was afraid to go into the light'...) rather than separating him into his own person.

I mean, I don't want Saint Ben (or St. anyone!), but Ben does kind of irritate, like it's not like he even particularly gets much wit or personality in his lines (and I doubt Justin Min would be short of inspiration there, so it does seem to be a writing choice) or they give him much warmth or concern (I still like that shot of him walking off in the sixth episode of S1, though - where is he off to?!) In S1, we do at least get to see him panicking and how helpless he must feel that he can't alert the others to danger etc. He doesn't really offer opinions that offer a personal philosophy beyond 'Stop being a junkie' (he was willing to shut off Grace - was that to tick off Klaus for taking the opposite opinion, or is he super pragmatic generally?) or 'Admit it, Klaus, Luther's Okay!' (Again, is this nostalgia for the other siblings, or what? It would have been nice to have Ben interact with all his siblings, considering they included the whole possession plot for less than necessary stuff like 'Ben kisses a girl!' and 'Vomit shenanigans!')

I just feel like his personality was kind of an afterthought still, and it made his sacrifice for Vanya, touching as it was, feel a little unearned.

Why doesn't Klaus tell Ben he wants to go back for Dallas for Dave? Why doesn't Ben tell Klaus he wants to go back to San Francisco for Jill? Was Ben in Vietnam? How come he's gone from using Dave as A Reason to Get Clean to a 'fling' - dark reading of Ben, tbh, like does he want Klaus clean purely for his own gain, and now he is, Dave's of no further value? What does Ben think Klaus is looking Dave up for - he says it's 'selfish', does he literally think Klaus is just there to hook up with Dave pre-death? It's hard to parse whether Ben has a low opinion of Klaus in particular or whether he, like the rest of them, has kind of adopted to a point Reginald's views - it was neat to see a comparison of the two there.

The possession stuff was a cool parallel, as well, if underused on the whole - Ben's happy to take advantage of Klaus' body despite his clear ambivalence and then outright refusal; Klaus is happy to take advantage and have sex with his own cult followers.

The cult stuff was even less strong, imho - I said last year how I'd enjoy a darker reading of Klaus, as S1 I felt sometimes was unfair to the others in that we see them being impatient with him; but never how his addiction would have impacted upon them negatively; but here, there's no real exploration of Klaus' narcissism or manipulation (in fact the plot seems to play out exactly the same as Allison's in S1 - we start with all the action about why they pursued fame etc. dealt with offscreen, and begin when the lead has already tired of it all.)

I mean, Klaus is self-destructive, as we saw in S1, but here it's an odd combination, like he's at once both cowardly of physical harm (in a way he wasn't really in S1, even post-Dave, so it doesn't seem to be in reaction to his death) but also running a cult for the attention, but the attention is presented as negative almost exclusively throughout.

Like, I'd get it if it was an interest in money and the finer things in life, even, you could make an interesting point there (and iirc, Robert Sheehan and I think Emmy Raver Lampman have) about how while the Hargreeves were abused, they were also 'spoilt rich kids'; and reflect on that; but it's literally just there for gags.

There's no real explanation for the cult itself (they literally just regurgitate pop culture references) or an exploration of Klaus as a con artist (again - here's where you could show some kind of progression in character, whether it's forward or backwards, and use the powers; and have Klaus working as a shady medium, but nope, it's physical comedy only.)

You could delve into his refusing to even tell the others about Ben's presence, but that's handwaved as much as ever (Five didn't go 'Huh, well, Ben was there when the Soviets came...') not just from the other siblings, but also Ben and Klaus themselves.

‘Cause I could see how Klaus would feel guilty about saying that, regardless; but then Ben's all 'Well, I was chicken to go anyway'

It might have been a little more affecting if Ben's motivation for possessing Klaus wasn't Jill, a character we know exactly zero about, but talking to his family; not to mention a lot more sympathetic towards Ben himself. As it is, it plays more like he's petty and jealous Klaus gets to be alive, rather than frustrated that Klaus is essentially silencing him.

And again, that's fine, maybe that is Ben, he stopped aging at 17, after all, but I'm not sure what the point is of a plot where we don't really get to see much exploration of either character.

Like, what did we learn about Klaus from this specific sub-plot? We knew in S1 he felt guilty that Ben died young, and that he was happy to allow his siblings to believe Ben is gone.

Likewise, Ben? We knew in S1 he was envious of Klaus being alive, and bitter that his position was so powerless.

It was nice to see the teenage actors (did they dub Teen!Klaus??? Odd.) post Ben's death, but it kind of didn't resolve much, really - it seemed like Klaus was supposed to be bullshitting about the 'golden light' and whether or not you can just...'go' whenever you please, but then it seemed like it turned out to be true?

(Might want to have mentioned that, then, like I get he's a Hargreeves and therefore a fail at interpersonal relationships, but you'd think it wouldn't take a smart guy to figure that if your brothers already toying with self-destruction in his teen years, it might not be the most genius move to additionally allow him to believe you're trapped in the 'real torture' of berating him endlessly solely due to his advice; if for no other reason than your one link to humanity is then going to keep up the booze and drugs that blocks you from his presence.)

I was inclined to like the Dave subplot a little more than I did last season, just because something was happening at all (and we got some tiny semblance of Dave's personality, even if it was basic as hell - he likes hamburgers!), but I feel like the Dave recasting thing really stretched credulity.

I would guess it was written backwards, in terms of if Dave was the clearly fully grown adult we saw in S1 a mere five years later, why wouldn't he just go 'Oh, thanks for the tip, dude, I'll avoid all that military jazz'? And why wouldn't Klaus just be like 'Fuck it, can we not just...date now?' Aha, we could make him a little younger, chuck in a Mean Uncle, throw in some manufactured conflict, and zow-pow!

It definitely wasn't the most contrived plot ever or anything (or even on this show), but I did feel like it's weird that again, via the cult, we're kind of asked to see Klaus as this expert manipulator of people, when he seemed almost purposefully stupid here (like, even compared with Luther and Diego.)

Why act as if the only chance you'll ever have to see the guy in the same timezone as you is right that second in front of his crazed uncle? Why say you've tried everything when you met the kid three times (once instigated by him, and I have to say, it's sort of odd, like Klaus is just drinking throughout, like you'd think this would be the one opportunity he'd take to truly and honestly engage without that) and basically just asked him twice, and in the least convincing way possible.

Shoot him in the foot! Burn down the recruitment office! Use your international platform and pull with local government to influence your huge movement towards stopping the war in Vietnam!

Like, if what you're going for is that Klaus is defeatist and unimaginative, fine, but I'm not sure it's not just that they kind of didn't write beyond the circular 'telling him only made him sign up sooner' casuality because it's so Tragic.

(Also, I feel like they're overplaying the iconography of those damn dogtags, like at this point, Klaus looking sadly at the dog tags has still probably had more screen time than Dave himself.)

I liked the scene with him and Vanya facing off?

Five I think didn't really get much more development than S1, he drives the plot forward, but not much else. In fact, in S1, he probably was more interesting, in that he interacted with all of his siblings and showed moments of vulnerability and care (knowing Claire's name, telling Luther not to waste his life, asking Klaus if he was okay) and got to properly react to his siblings' deaths.

Um...it was cool to have two of him?

It was nice and kind of ambigious where he lied to her about the cause of the apocalypse, like you could go by what he said about how he wanted to avert her anger, or you could wonder if it's a rare moment of kindness in his old age, lol.

I also loved it when he said to Luther about whether he could talk to her 'without squeezing her to death'.

I found Sissy probably the most interesting of the new characters (probably her and Lila more so than Lil!Dave and Ray, tbh.)

Vanya I probably have the least to say about. I was satisfied with how they portrayed the culpability of the others, particularly Luther, without erasing Vanya's part in the apocalypse. (I really, really hope this'll end the endless discourse on her emails book now, that got tired fast.

I could also do without the endless 'lolz, Ellen Page was so bad at playing straight they had to write Vanya as gay'. Ellen Page is pretty convincing as an actor - I bought her raping Rainn Wilson in 'Super', for god's sake, I doubt 'heterosexual' is a challenge.)

The amnesia plot was pretty cliched, and it did mean we didn't get so much actual interaction between the 'real' Vanya (so to speak) and her siblings but I really enjoyed the dream sequence of her in the academy.

#the umbrella academy #ua meta #meta #s2 #i didn't love it #to warn you #luther hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #ben hargreeves #allison hargreeves #diego hargreeves

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illegiblewords · 5 years ago

Text

Hooooooo boy.

So apparently villain fan versus villain fan discourse is kicking up.

Have some reiterated opinions, some fresh ones, and some weird ones. Technically this is vagueblogging about some specific stuff but intent is no-drama here.

Emet-Selch versus Vauthry fan wank seems to be happening, which I’m sighing over because it’s a kind of ridiculous argument to have imo. Neither of these dudes are good people. Like we can debate accountability ‘til the cows come home and as I’ve been saying my opinions on insanity plea are strong. But like. I think at the very best we can argue for is a moral gray.

I can get Emet-Selch as a fallen hero/hero of Amaurot and for that reason haven’t been overly bothered by the “hero” line in the extreme fight. Vauthry is tragic but he’s basically inflicting forced cannibalism and mind control en masse. I personally am not of the opinion that he would qualify for a realistic insanity plea, so that impacts my measure of accountability. He’s also extremely, EXTREMELY familiar to me in how he thinks and behaves due to people I’ve encountered over the years. I understand how he got to a place where he thought those measures were acceptable. A form of mental illness is absolutely in play there as I read him, but it would not count toward the legal definition of insanity and for me that is significant.

As it stands, trying to claim whose behavior is less wrong is a stupid game to play when it’s genocide versus mass murder/forced cannibalism. Generally I’d rather opt out of that one because neither of these actions are things most people want to emulate. It seems like fans are more trying to decide who is moral enough to be allowed compassion/caring and who isn’t, which is an even more stupid game to play to my mind.

I don’t think having compassion and empathy for Emet-Selch or Vauthry are problems so much as selective compassion/empathy. As in “X person isn’t allowed to have compassion/empathy”.

I belong very much to the school of “everyone counts”. This means that in life some people inevitably go bad and commit atrocities that need to be stopped even if that means their death. It’s a very tragic thing when that happens and should be mourned, at least because if things had gone differently maybe the person would have turned out better. As long as you are able to remember the humanity of all involved (with the messiness that entails), odds are you’ll be able to navigate tough situations alright imo. When you start pretending some people are less than human, acceptable targets, or whose suffering otherwise doesn’t count--that’s extremely dangerous imo. It makes it easy to dismiss another person’s pain, which in turn makes it much easier to be cruel or callous. Sometimes needlessly.

Some additional bits:

- Emet-Selch did not say he would see the Sundered as less-than-human/not-really-alive/acceptable-targets if he wasn’t tempered. Attributing as much to him is literally, factually untrue. Moreover even if he had said it--he is an unreliable narrator on this front. He doesn’t know, he got tempered by the most powerful primal in existence. I’ve talked about how he lives the trolley problem before as well, which being added to tempering I think only exacerbates the level that he’s compromised. It’s a mind-wrecking situation.

- I’ve seen some people argue that because there was a point in time when Emet-Selch wasn’t tempered, his judgment while tempered isn’t as compromised as Vauthry’s is. That’s like arguing because someone at one point in their life did not have PTSD, or had not reached onset for Schizophrenia, therefore how they behaved and thought after developing those things is less compromising. It makes no sense to me as an argument. You could be born with a less severe condition that lasts your entire life while someone else is initially stable and gets completely crippled by mental illness. As it stands, I don’t even know if more severe/less severe is the way I’d even frame it because this seems like apples and oranges insofar as thought patterns go. They’re both fruit/both mentally ill characters but I mean other than that? Too different to get much from that comparison.

By the by. I know that I bring my own influences to the table in how I read things, but to me tempering absolutely reads as a mental illness allegory where it distorts a person’s existing thoughts in extreme ways that they would not do otherwise--but specifically distorting in such a way that serves the primal in question. I also think that other FFXIV characters show indications of different forms of mental illness, and I’m actually very impressed by how well the devs captured these.

Mental illness as a subject tends to get extremely complicated and people often have no idea how to deal with it. It’s also something that tends to get brushed aside, dismissed, or oversimplified today--both in fan communities and in-general. I’m glad people are having conversations about it, but good lord this is not a place to have pissing contests or try to impose pure good/evil morality.

- People are entering debate over Vauthry’s weight and whether joking about it is okay or not. I want to pose a few points. 1) Dulia Chai, also very overweight, does not receive the treatment Vauthry does and seems pretty beloved 2) Vauthry, in a period of widespread famine and as the person explicitly charged with ALL OF EULMORE’S WEALTH (as in, all of the people living under him surrendered their property in exchange for his protection) is seriously, dangerously overweight due in large part to unapologetic, non-essential cannibalism. He honestly resembles people who have been rendered physically immobile and are dying due to obesity complications during this time period, that is not something that happens without serious excess. Vauthry holds funds that were given to him specifically not for his own personal enjoyment but to perform a job for the people. He absolutely places his own pleasure above the survival of the poor. If he was that overweight in a time of plenty or as someone without the level of power he holds, it would not read the same way. Under these specific circumstances his physicality is a direct representation of his corruption and hypocrisy. Under other circumstances that might not have been the case. 3) In the same way that enabling harmful thought patterns/behavioral tendencies in a mentally ill person is bad and can constitute abuse, it is possible to cause harm by encouraging extreme and dangerous physical states. I am a strong believer in the idea that every body type can be beautiful provided it doesn’t look like the person faces imminent danger to their health or is actively dying. For me this is not exclusive to extreme obesity but also extends to starvation and some instances of extreme body-building as well. Think steroid abuse.

When a body registers as “sick”, there is a level of instinctive discomfort for most people. Sometimes this comes with sympathy and concern for the person dealing with that issue, sometimes it alienates others from them them. But when an individual actively embraces self-destruction by pursuing such an extreme and dangerous state either by design or out of apathy to the threat, it’s normal for a measure of horror to be attached because it becomes a form of self-harm. Vauthry evokes that to me. Dulia Chai does not. 4) I’ve joked about the wonders of the meol diet, because I know firsthand how difficult weight loss can be. To go from Vauthry’s level to Innocence’s in like six steps is absurd --the fact that he’s been on a cannibalism diet specifically takes it the extra mile into hilarity for me. I haven’t seen as many jokes about his weight in-general so much as the sudden transformation. If the butt of the joke is cannibalism and ridiculous speed/opposite appearance turnaround, I personally don’t think those cases warrant offense. 5) I’ve had people try to fight me before for saying there is a such thing as being dangerously overweight. No comments on dangerously underweight or muscular, just overweight. So to set people at ease--I have personally dealt with serious health risks caused by obesity before. I’ve had loved ones who were in the same position and I have lost family members directly as a result of obesity-related health problems. It’s a very difficult thing to deal with. I have a lot of sympathy on this subject and understand how devastating it can be to endure shitty treatment due to weight.

I personally don’t think it’s right to forbid any jokes that deal with Vauthry’s weight, or that deal with hot subjects in-general. I think the punchline of the joke matters a ton though. Making a joke at the expense of someone struggling with something difficult is shitty. Making a joke about cannibalism turning you into a sparkling bishonen after walking down a set of stairs is just ridiculous.

Likewise, I don’t think it’s a problem for people to feel disturbed by severe health problems... but I do think it’s important to separate the person dealing with the illness from the illness itself. This goes for physical and mental issues.

I know that a lot of people don’t necessarily agree with these types of opinions and that’s okay. They’re not really common right now and are things I arrived at just by thinking myself and trying to sort out what seems appropriate as best I can.

- I’ve talked about how insanity plea when I was researching it more or less came down to a person having their perception of reality and their judgment so heavily impaired by illness that they cannot be expected to react to situations in the same way that someone without that impairment would. I’ve seen people try to argue about how someone saying demons made them murder another person wouldn’t have any less accountability to them. I think that case could actually fall under insanity plea but would need close evaluation to make sure. If the person truly believed that they and their loved ones would be tortured to death by demons if they refused or told anyone or something--yeah, insanity plea in play there. Part of the issue is that the act is horrible and I think there’s a longstanding skepticism on whether the person is sincerely crazy or just bullshitting.

In general, a cluster B personality disorder would not qualify for insanity plea. Still might involve inaccurate perception of the world or others, but the type of delusion and impairment would not inherently compel them toward violent/unlawful action or prevent them from seeking help. They also tend to be somewhat more aware of the world around them, but whether they care and how they interact/why can be dictated by the condition. Given I think Zenos is more or less an Antisocial Personality Disorder poster child (not because “I don’t like people so edgy”, I mean in terms of treating people in his life as filling roles and therefore being replaceable, overwhelming ennui in most aspects of his life, lack of interest or fulfillment in interpersonal relationships, etc.)--I do not think he would qualify for insanity plea.

Vauthry I’m not positive what I think he has yet, again he reminds me a lot of people I’ve met but certain conditions manifest similarly under the circumstances I have in mind. I think he absolutely has inhibited empathy. He’s also very spoiled, self-righteous, and possibly has no theory of mind. I don’t think he has instincts for taboo either which probably does tie to his sin-eater heritage. I don’t think his growing up in Eulmore or even having a shitty upbringing is the main reason he is the way he is, imo it’s a combination of nature and nurture. I think being part sin-eater essentially made it easier for him to become monstrous, but who knows--if he’d had a really good upbringing in a non-toxic environment maybe he could have been a good man anyway. Same way that having a cluster B personality disorder does not make a person evil by a long shot, but it can make it easier to hurt others due to the way thought patterns are impacted.

I would want to double check some research, but right now I think Vauthry reads likely for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He has mood swings but none of them seem to be depressive, it’s more egotism/happiness and anger by and large. When he does get sad before dying, it’s not because of loving or missing his father but because the self-image he loved (as encouraged by his father) was compromised.

I think he’s a bit slow and I think he only cares about others insofar as they’re tools to define himself as well as possible to his own mind. I don’t think, listening to G’raha Tia or anyone who begged him to change course, he was unable to comprehend what they were saying. He was just closed-minded to it imo.

With Emet-Selch meanwhile, I actually think both how he was impacted by specific interactions, his memories, and possibly even his sensory understanding of sundered beings might have been compromised by Zodiark. Like being colorblind, almost. I think the way he deals with the world, there are a ton of colors he can no longer perceive due to tempering but he has no idea that what he should be perceiving is there. He remembers being able to see all colors in Amaurot, but after the sundering suddenly purple was gone. Purple is still actually there, but he is not capable of seeing it. You could literally wave a purple flower in front of his face and it wouldn’t register. He might even accuse you of lying because he remembers purple, and purple is gone, and he’s doing everything he can to get purple back--but he has no idea that purple has still been here but he’s been altered in such a way that despite remembering it, he can’t see it anymore. As per tempering.

Vauthry knows about purple, he just doesn’t have much interest in it outside how it looks with his complexion. If purple is unflattering then fuck purple. Burn it to the ground, ban it, forbid anyone else from indulging in it. If it works, then no one would have more or prettier purples than him.

- It is time for me to take a nap but basically it was shitty to give Vauthry a sin-eater streak but 1) I do still think that’s severely impaired judgment 2) I don’t necessarily think that Vauthry was bound in the same way by his mental condition. I do think Vauthry believed himself to be doing good but didn’t actually have a clear concept of good in existence.

#ffxiv

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sugarstarlights · 5 years ago

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14 22. 39 50 57 68

100 Random Character Development Questions

Detail one secret shame your character feels.

Dozens of times, in varying situations, Madison’s upset his friends in the normal way, that friends do, when just by being themselves they rub the wrong way with someone who isn’t exactly like them. The problem is that he takes these mistakes extremely seriously, blames himself for not knowing exactly what they wanted and acting accordingly, and feels a need to fix himself in order to never upset the given person again in the future. Whether his friends are actually upset and about what is a grey area that he’s constantly drawing assumptions from, and said friends might disagree with his assessment, but in every instance, willing to do anything to keep them all from giving up on him or hurting him to make him go away, as he believes he deserves, Madison promises to do and be better in the future.In his own eyes, he’s broken this promise dozens of times over. All the things he promises to change or stop are neutral elements of his personality and mental illness twisted into unforgivable flaws inside his own head, or inherent urges written into his angel programming that he blames himself for not being good enough to bypass. The fact that he repeatedly makes these “horrible mistakes” and then is incapable of successfully changing or erasing the part of himself that “caused the problem” is seen as a huge flaw in its own right, inherently selfish that he “refuses” to alter his thought processes to make someone he cares about happier. His friends like him the way he is, of course, and rarely seem to take that promise seriously, but Madison knows that he lied to everyone at some point, and the self-hatred and shame from being built of flaws that he seemingly doesn’t care enough to get rid of, even when they hurt those he loves, has eaten him for a long time. The unkeepable promises just add to that; though he’d never remind anyone he made them.

What is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen?

Mads hasn’t seen a lot of things, and would call a few different unrelated events equally “the most beautiful thing”, including his first sunset, his wife, his ward’s birth, the storm he flew into, most of his friends and their neat abilities, he thinks lots of things are beautiful, stuff like that. But one thing always stuck with him, and though he wouldn’t admit it since it seems self-absorbed and arrogant, witnessing his soul’s healing ability activate for the first time, in the context it did, would rank at the top. He didn’t know it existed at all before the power was urgently needed to save Seculus, but the clouds of colorful buzzing light that surrounded them, combined with Sec’s visible improvement and the knowledge that Madison was the one doing this, that he was finally capable of helping his friend (and finally good for something); that stuck with him. Though, he would say that Sec’s look of joy and relief was the most beautiful thing in this situation.

What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person?

Oof! Oof!! In Madison’s professional opinion, robbing a person of their free will and ability to choose is bad enough, but the worst thing is going further, taking their memories, and identity, planting desired patterns of thought and mental blocks and traps to keep them from so much as thinking about specific inconvenient things without pain, conditioning them to have certain feelings toward certain things or maybe none at all, punishing them with temporary nonexistence and reinforcement of this programming for every hint of rebellion, pressing and shaping them into the preferred shape until they’re incapable of functioning whatsoever without being controlled and directed. Until they’re something completely different, empty but conscious, molded into a subhuman tool by whoever thought they had the right. Essentially, the worst thing he believes can be done to a person is to make them not a person anymore, without killing them. He gets very strong feelings whenever he sees a situation resembling this, and if it sounds familiar, it should; it’s a thorough description of brainwashing, and word for word what happened, and is still happening, to Madison himself. Of course, he doesn’t see this as ‘the worst thing’ in his own case; he’s not a person, after all! (The depressing irony is lost on him.)

How does your character feel about their own mortality?

Now this is an interesting one, because technically, Madison can’t die again; voices don’t age or get sick, and Madison’s healing ability prevents him from being killed violently unless every spark of his soul were destroyed at once. Even when voices do die, their soul lingers without form as a highly functional but extremely lonely ghost, for the eternity they would’ve had otherwise. However, a recent discovery revealed that if a voice goes for a little longer than a month without visiting the astral plane, they begin to disappear entirely, without the energy of their home plane to sustain them. Without intervention they’ll simply vanish like they were never there. Madison’s been thinking about this latter scenario a lot. The concept of forever, potentially spent alone, scares him, especially with the knowledge that his family is in an afterlife he’ll never have access to, and with each wave of overwhelming hopelessness, the idea of doing absolutely nothing until he completely disappears has tempted him more and more. The hateful growth taking up residence in his head until recently has made matters much worse. He used to have an intense fear of anyone choosing to kill him at any time, and though that was irrational in the first place for several reasons, that anxiety’s gone now. If Madison were mortal, he’d have probably left a long time ago; he’s died before, what does he have to fear from doing it again?

Has your character ever killed anyone?

No he hasn’t! Not even on accident. Madison’s had a pacifistic mindset since he was with his ward, it’s one of his core principles to never resort to violence when angered or upset, even in small amounts. That said, he’s not exactly capable of murder even if he wanted to, with his poor fighting abilities and anxiety around blood, not that he’s had a chance or desire in the past. Even now that he’s learning to use a proper weapon, he’s intent on only using it in defense of himself and others, and though he’s wished death on several people’s abusers at this point, there’s been no need for it yet. Mads believes that it’s his fault directly that the people in his place of work when he died were killed along with him, however, though there isn’t solid proof of that, and if there were, it would have been unintentional and impossible to predict the outcome when it happened.

How strong is your character’s sense of responsibility? What kinds of things trigger it?

Stronger than any other sense he has, that’s for sure; too strong, in fact. Between what he was built to do as an angel in supporting and helping a person with his whole being, his own intense instincts as a parent and friend, and the extremely high standards he holds himself to, Madison takes responsibility for everyone else’s problems and then some. It’s a consistent, unshakable mindset that when he sees someone struggling, he has to help in whatever way he can, or sometimes ways he can’t, which he then puts responsibility on himself for not being capable of.

Madison when first introduced to the world was wildly inconsiderate of anyone’s wants, feelings, or concerns outside of his ward; he learned how to care about people from Seculus, another angel with a really bad self-sacrifice problem, and he saw her as such a kind person that aer unhealthy tendencies were taken as law. It took so much effort to get to the level of decency Mads has reached now that any sort of dismissal of others’ pain is interpreted as a huge step backwards into the cruel person he was before, that he needs to immediately make up for. His feelings may differ, but whether it’s familial, romantic, ward-esque or empathetic, he offers up everything when someone has a problem of any sort, especially emotional, and if there’s no fixing it, takes responsibility for its very existence, taking on their pain like this makes anything better. This in itself is ironically self-absorbed, though at the same time the only responsibility he takes for his own issues is to claim that he doesn’t matter enough for them to be a concern to himself or others. It’s irresponsible to worry others with his own problems, when they can’t easily be solved and don’t directly impact those besides himself. Obviously this gets frustrating sometimes.

There is also a gripping need to protect others, especially those he cares about. Witnessing someone in danger sets off his angel dad instincts, the first of which is to throw himself between them and the threat, either figuratively or literally. When they won’t let him, he gets panicked, as it feels like he’s forced to stand there and just watch; there are only a couple of people he trusts enough to let them protect him in return. Putting others in harm’s way for his own sake seems irresponsible. (Also ironic!) This is most of the reason he’s learning swordplay, so that he’s more effective in defending others, as opposed to just being a fragile obstacle.

On a lighter note, he feels the same intense responsibility for most living things, and having a pet in his life has helped his own self-care routines somewhat. His dog is relying on him for food, care, and shelter, and if he allows himself to stop functioning entirely or disappear, Madison will be causing him to suffer; thus, he continues to exist, on his worst days, just so Bo won’t have to be in pain. Being told by people, as well, the pain this would cause them, also forces Madison to stick around, but it’s out of guilt, not reassurance at being cared for.

#ttthank you weasel this is LONG #long post /#death ment /#suicide ment /#Asks #Ask memes #ooc #champiowned #save

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yastaghr · 5 years ago

Text

Acquiring Feegle and Rickets

I just adopted two rescue bitties! Feegle is a Sansy and Rickets is a Brassberry. You can read their story on Ao3 here:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18008270/chapters/52148683

Or under the cut below!

You would think 25 bitties would be more than enough for anyone to handle. You would be wrong. My pack has finally settled in and worked out all their kinks.

Vergeven bakes treats for the dogs and me. He’s discovered my love of cake donuts, and he bakes them at least once a week. Shenling and Yu absolutely adore their alter. We keep adding more to it, and they love it. Kronkel and Hemlock are the sweetest couple. They’re almost always touching one another. Gates and Starlight are zooming around. Having someone to adventure with him has really pepped Gates up. Verst is always tagging along for everything except the kissy stuff. Yong, Qiang, and Dijkstra are inventing new ways to show off in the water every day. They all like the hot tub right now, given how cold it is. Pleiades has a whole collection of scarves now. He’s usually swaddled in at least three.

Strawberry and Baza’eir go everywhere with me. It’s nice to have a service bitty I can pick up, although Hemlock and Kronkel still squish me if I have a panic attack. Inktvis seems to like doing art with me. I’ve been more active in that area. I’ve also been getting back into science thanks to Decon. I’m not sure what, but once my health issues are more stable I plan on going back to get another degree. Byzantium has a little “roller skate” that fits around the bottom of his pot so he can roll around. He has safe caves all over the house. Plato and the blasters love our pack. Their favorite game is Thunder Paws, which my corgi pup Teagan plays all the time. Meng has a little bit of a crush on Inktvis, but hasn’t wanted to acknowledge it yet. He’s helped tremendously with my night terrors. All in all, everyone is happy.

Apparently the universe decided that wasn’t enough. I was stopping by my local bitty center to get Gyftmas presents for everyone. I usually take the time to talk to each bitty that’s there. I’d finished with the main kennels and moved into the rescue area. This was the place where rescued or returned bitties go to recover and, if possible, get re-adopted. My area is big into being humane, so there are usually very few or none at all. That was what I was expecting because of the holiday. There’s always a rush to give them homes for this special time.

Most of the kennels were empty, save one. It was in the bottom row where nobody looks. Well, except for me. I squatted down to see who was inside there. I was shocked with what I saw.

There were two bitties in the back corner of the kennel. One was a Brassberry. It’s hard to mistake that wound covering. What I could see of his bones outside of the hospital gown he was wearing was covered in bruises, cuts, and scrapes. They were all mostly healed over, so they had to have been here for a while. He was glaring at me with fear just under the surface of it. In his arms was a Sansy bitty who looked almost dead. His bones were grey and in multiple casts. He honestly looked like he was going to dust any minute now.

I didn’t even think about it. I directed a tendril of my magic into the kennel and fed it to the Sansy. I filled it with love and support and hope. Slowly, painstakingly slowly, his bones became the proper white. Now I could see the carvings. Someone had decorated his bones with geometric patterns etched in deep.

I swallowed and looked at my own wrists. They were covered in sleeves, but underneath the sleeves both arms were criss crossed with cuts all the way up to my shoulder. Some were old and barely visible. Others were still red. A bandage covered the latest set so I wouldn’t bleed all over my clothes. I chose and choose to put them there. How would it feel if someone else forced them on me?

“Fuck off, human,” The Brassberry growled. He had drawn the Sansy closer to him, jostling his head. Now I could see that the Sansy was awake, but there was no expression on his face. He just...wasn’t there.

“No,” I said stubbornly, sitting down. “I’m going to stay here as long as I want to, Brassberry. I’ve got nothing urgent to do today. I might as well help you and your friend feel better. Would you like some magic of your own?”

The Brassberry’s eyes went wide. “You- You’re feeding him magic? Stop! He can’t handle losing another bond. It’ll dust him for sure!”

I blinked. I’d completely forgotten about how bitties bonded with their owners.

Strawberry jumped to my defense. “Sh-she’s not like that. She wouldn’t do that on purpose She just wants to help!”

Baza’eir, on my other shoulder, chuckled quietly. “What makes you think she’d break it? She’s got 25 bitties so far and we all know she’ll adopt more. I bet you a steak that she’ll adopt him. A nice, fat juicy one.”

The Brassberry’s mouth was watering, but he shook himself out of it and scowled. “There’s no fucking way I’m letting another human take him. How do I know she won’t just abandon him again? He needs me to look out for him. He’s just...given up on fighting back. He’s given up on living. I’m barely able to hold him here.”

I spoke up, “Then let me handle feeding him magic and you handle keeping him physically safe. I know about bonded pairs in animals. You might not be lovers, but it would be bad for both of you to separate you. I don’t mind having another two bitties in my house. Please?”

He blinked at me, searching my face for signs of danger. I tried my best to look non threatening, but I’m not very good at expressions. He seemed to be put off by this, so I added, “I’m autistic and don’t always get my expression right for my feelings. I really do want to help you. You both deserve a better life than you’ve had.”

He huffed. “Read through our chart before saying that. You’ll run away, just like the others.”

I dutifully looked at the packet of papers on the front of their kennel. It detailed all the horrible things that someone had inflicted on this Sansy while trying to turn him into something like a Meek. Brassberry’s papers told of a fighting ring and all the times he had hurt other bitties and staff. He had quite the rap sheet.

“I’ve seen worse, Brassberry,” I said confidently, “I’ve volunteered in animal shelters for more than 10 years. I worked in foster, where the youngest, sickest, and most feral cats end up. I’m more than prepared to take care of both of you. And...I understand about abuse on a personal level. I was abused by teachers, students, and other staff members all the way up through high school. I’m still healing from that, and I know it’s a process. And I’m extremely well versed in wound care,” I said as I slipped up my right sleeve to show him my arms. “I’m very clumsy and I self-harm. I’d love to take you both home and help you heal.”

The Brassberry’s mouth had dropped open at some point in my speech. He closed it and gulped. I could see the distrust warring with a glimmer of hope.

Strawberry added the final touch. “There’s hidey holes all over the house for Byzantium, our Error-type plant bitty. If you don’t want to interact with anyone you don’t have to. And there’s always ketchup and meat in the house. Please come join us? Please?”

The Brassberry looked at his friend. The Sansy gave the barest of nods. The Brassbery sighed. “Fine. But if you’re lying I’m going to wreck your house and wreck you. Don’t think I won’t.”

I smiled. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

An employee came up to me and asked me to leave, as upsetting bitties in the rescue center was a big no-no. I jumped a little and haltingly explained that I was going to adopt both of them. They asked if I had read the backstories with a distrustful expression.

Amazingly, it was the Brassberry who stood up for me. “Leave my owner the fuck alone. We’ve been through all that already. Just go get the care bag and the adoption papers. Um...please.”

The employee quickly scurried off, and I turned to the two bitties in the kennel. “Thank you. I have problems with anxiety so extreme that it can block my voice. I was about to lose it, there. They startled me so much.”

The Brassberry huffed. “Don’t think anything of it, owner. This means nothing.”

I smiled back. “I won’t. Since we’re going through with this, I should probably introduce myself. I’m Yastaghr, which is pronounced Ya-star but spelled completely differently. Um...do you two have names?”

The Brassberry shook his head. “Fighting bitties don’t get names, and the Sansy here...they didn’t bother. They just called him Sansy.”

I puffed up. “Do you mind if I name you? Or do you want to pick your own names.”

His eyes went wide. “Pick...our own names? Really? What kind of a weirdo are you to let us pick our own names?”

I giggled. “A weirdo who is notoriously bad at naming things. I pull names from 4 different languages and multiple different disciplines. Really. I have bitties named in English, Dutch, Chinese, and Icenic. I also have pets named after book characters. So, what do you say?”

A weak voice whispered, “i like pratchett. something from him?”

All eyes snapped to the Sansy. The effort of speaking seemed to exhaust him, but he was smiling slightly.

I grinned back. “I like Pratchett, too. How about Feegle? Would that be a good name?”

The Sansy, now Feegle, nodded. He seemed to have run out of words for the day, which I could understand completely, so he fell asleep. The Brassberry smiled down at him. It was a proud smile, the kind a parent gets when their kid does something good.

“What about you, Brassberry? What do you want to be named?” I asked.

He hummed softly. “How about Rickets? The humans here say I’ve got it, and it sounds cool. Can I be named that?”

“Of course! It’s your name, so you get to choose. Rickets. It’s-” I started to say.

“I have the paperwork here for you, and the care kits that comes with every bitty. There are medical supplies in both, extra clothes, snacks, and a care pamphlet. Oh, and a hand towel that smells like them for introductions to pets.”

I nodded, my words suddenly gone, just like Feegle. Baza’eir came to my rescue, his service bitty vest shining. “That’s good. Thank you so much! We’ll fill out the paperwork right now.”

I started scribbling down the necessary details, including their names and mine. I signed multiple consent forms. I read through pages of text. Finally, the paperwork was done and I handed it to the employee.

Once the employee was gone, I carefully opened up the kennel and scooped up both bitties. I smiled at them and whispered, “Time to go home.”

#bittybones #feegle the sansy #rickets the brassberry #sansy bitty #brassberry bitty #yastaghr

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inanawesomewave · 6 years ago

Text

MY FRIENDS SAY I HAVE NO EMPATHY, BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY FEEL THAT WAY.

Since I started therapy a while ago I’ve started to notice there are parts of my personality that are cooling down when before they’d spill over and reach boiling point. I’m still combative but I know which battles to walk away from -- no, I know which battles to not forcibly insert myself in even though they had fuck all to do with me and all I wanted was an excuse to fight. I’m better at laying down a healthy boundary rather than puffing my chest out and becoming as intimidating as possible to someone who didn’t know they’d flouted a boundary I forgot to lay down, and instead plotting to harm them for doing such a thing. I have started to accept that my rage about my childhood isn’t something that can ever go away and it shouldn’t have to, but that I can move with it without having to convert it to something I can’t accept like forgiveness or acceptance. I know how to be angry at one thing, and I’m learning how to compartmentalise that anger without turning it into anger at everything else. I’m not great at these things, but I’m getting aware, and I’m trying.

Something peculiar has happened, possibly for the best, since we hit our stride with the therapy. We’re doing some schema stuff, that’s what worked for me in the past, and my therapist goes over some old traumas with me and we look for repeating patterns, why that might be, and how I’m reacting to things, how I might be contributing to my own unhappiness and fury. But also, without him telling me, “here’s how to empathise, and here’s why you should do it”, I’ve started to look at empathy in a new light. Let me explain.

It happens when I’m watching a tv show or a film. A character will say something to another character, something hurtful or cruel, and for the first time in my life I’m stopping to think, not even consciously, “I wonder how that other person feels having heard that?”. I’ll think, “I say things like that all the time and it doesn’t mean anything to me, but that other person seems hurt. Don’t they know it doesn’t mean anything?” and then I realise, “no, they don’t.”. It’s not like I’m consciously scouring for empathy, but i’m noticing it. Right now, it’s only in fiction, but it’s the first awareness of concerted empathy I’m having about myself. And it’s funny, because I sit there and I’ll hear a character say the kind of things I would normally quite casually say, and I’m starting to confront why it is cruelty can often spill out of me without me noticing what the big deal is. I think it’s because, for antisocials who are made by their environment (i.e are abuse victims), the language of cruelty is the one we were taught fluently. I remember being a small child and saying something quite hurtful to my dad (he wasn’t abusive in any way, he was very compassionate and supportive). He didn’t shout at me, but he sat me down, and said: “That thing you said to me, that was really hurtful and it’s made me sad. Why did you say that?” and I remember bursting out into tears. It wasn’t so much that I’d hurt him, though that was part of it, it was that I was stunned at my own obliviousness as to how I could have hurt someone I really loved. How could someone I care about so much be hurt by something I said? How did I not notice I was doing that? With my mother it was always different, she used to refer constantly to “a battle of wills”, so cruelty was something she wanted to match word for word. Her punishments were bizarre and severe, and if I didn’t react to that punishment with deference and regret, she would tell me, “I won’t enter into another battle of wills with you”, and the whole thing would become a face-off. She never told me, “that thing you said to me was hurtful”, or “I’m sorry I said that hurtful thing to you”. It was always, “yeah? You think that’s hurtful? You should hear what I’m about to say to you next”. It was a rally, a back and forth, a constant testing of boundaries on both sides. I was punished for not being subservient enough, and then forced into that subservience by any means necessary. Of course I didn’t learn how to be considerate of others, I was having to feign empathy and consideration for my abuser so she’d leave off me and believe I was on her side, and then learn how to resent myself for at least appearing to display weakness to her. If I were a gold star sociopath, no other personality disorder, I’d probably be able to rationalise this pretend subjugation as being part of the game. But I have at the very least some significant traits of narcissism, so the battle going on in my head was one of survival, and self-loathing at how I appeared to survive. Of course, in this melee, I never really learned what empathy looked like. I only ever saw empathy as: 1. Something I have to perform to stay safe. 2. Something people perform so they can exploit you. 3. A lie people tell to get what they want. 4. A foolproof way to collect allies.

Now, at the ripe old age of 30, I still don’t fully understand or trust the safety of empathy, and I’m not sure how deep into the empathy rabbit hole I want to go. Do I want to learn how to naturally experience it, the automatic ping of it when I witness pain in another person? Not really, no. I’m still stubbornly holding onto my personality disorder like a shield. After all, that’s why they form. Survival. I’m not even sure how I feel about having the nature of empathy unfold before me like this. I feel... deficient. There’s nothing quite so infantilising as having to go through the motions of empathy through tv characters, like a child being taught by a therapist through play. I feel confused, because there’s three ways in which I can be mean: there’s the concerted, applied way in which I work out what would hurt that person the most and then I say it. There’s the panic move when I’m in a conflict and I need to get out of it on top, looking like I have some power, so I say the thing that will push the red button so I can leave the situation having tricked myself that I won it. Finally, there’s the one I’m currently learning -- there’s the fluency of my day to day cruelty, my natural speech which is peppered with insults and personal bait, the things I don’t realise I’m saying. The things I don’t try to say, or craft, or plan. Just the way I am, the language I speak. And that’s what I’m confronting right now, and it’s coming through when I see it reflected back to me on television. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m not sure that I like it. Admittedly there’s a blackness in me that wants to learn from this in a bad way, like: “Oh, I see. So that’s what people look like when they’re upset or hurt. I’ll make a note of that. This could make me powerful.”. But then I think of an old friend of mine who ended up in a medium secure unit after doing some quite... reckless things... who had a diagnosis of ASPD and also NPD. He emailed me from in there, telling me, and I quote: “And when I'm out I won't have changed, I'll still be me, I'll just have learned and I will be much more careful. “. It took him two more years to come down from his tower and what did he find when he got to the bottom? That sometimes loving people leads to being loved, and sometimes showing empathy leads to being empathised with. Our thinking is very transactional, as sociopaths. I’m sure we’re being empathised with all day long, but as we are so primitively minded, we haven’t noticed. So long as what we’re putting out is insincere, then we are convinced that what we get in return must therefore be insincere. I realise it’s not about faking it well but trying it hard, and I’m not sure where I want to be with that. After all, this personality disorder and its narcissistic little brother kicking at my shins all the time has kind of protected me. At the very least, it kept me alive.

Empathy. What a bizarre concept indeed.

#ANTISOCIAL TAG #aspd feels #actually aspd #actually antisocial #sociopath #psychopath #empathy #abuse #childhood trauma #healing #therapy #narcissistic personality disorder #narcissist

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