#and stop showcasing your powers randomly. stop. if I wanna see it I will ask

[faragonreblogs]

Man.

I'd like a roleplay where the other oc character isn't some super powerful, millenia-old primordial being who's so insanely strong they could kill me in an instant (and are ready to kill on site), while I'm just a lil friendly guy tryin to get by.

I'd like to stop running into those constantly, please.

[amethystroselilith]

Intertwined Fates (Chilumi/Zhonglumi) - Chapter 5

Yea so... uhm... I may or may have been addicted to anime during vacation and the next thing I knew, uni started again and uhm... we're a month in now... So much for me promising to be active in writing smh...

Also, I learned how to add pictures! Chapter 3 is updated for the ring picture :)

Can be read in ao3 here

SUMMARY:

Plans don't always go the way it is

Lumine can’t help but smile as Qiqi’s laughter filled their living room. Her heart can’t help but melt at the sight of her future husband, and her father pretends to be monsters and make fool of themselves to entertain the little girl. Lumine can’t help but chuckle to herself, her daughter completely has these powerful men wrapped around her little fingers.

“A beach wedding is such a wonderful idea, Lumine! Your aunties and I have founded these locations so far, if they’re not to your liking, just tell me, okay? Your mother will make sure to make your dream wedding happen!” her mother beamed beside her as she splayed out the pictures of potential beach locations on the coffee table in front of them.

Never did Lumine thought there will come a time when her mother and herself will bond like this. Upon confirming their engagement, her mother had been ecstatic; messaging Lumine all potential wedding ideas she can, even creating a board on Pinterest.

While it may be annoying to Lumine, she can’t deny that she’s excited herself. She gently shrugged her mother off at first, claiming that she’s busy with work, but one boring evening when Ajax was busy fixing something at work in his home office, the blonde woman opened the app to see what her mother is up to. She looked through the grand ideas her mother had pinned, they were mostly wedding dresses and accessories. The more Lumine browses, the more her mind starts imagining a wedding scenario, and the next thing she knows, she’s saving beach wedding-related pins and a phone call from her mother popped out of her screen.

Ajax joined mid-conversation and was surprised, and secretly elated that his bride also shares the same excitement of them officially tying the knot.

Never did Ajax thought he would be so invested in wedding planning, he’s more invested in the honeymoon part, but after listening to his fiancée and soon to be mother-in-law for a while, he can’t help but fall in love with the beach wedding idea and started looking at ideas on his own phone, which granted him a collaboration in the Pinterest board they’re working on.

After a promise of her mother looking for venues, the two-hour conversation ended with an excited soon to be wed couple.

A few days after that night, Lumine can’t help but think of her grand day every time she has the chance to. She had been bright during work, always humming softly as she works. Her glow had affected everyone in the bakery, even Xiao who smiled softly and even suggested something for the wedding cake, which Aether will be in charge of.

It surprised the twins, making them stare at Xiao long enough for the said man to be embarrassed and murmured something to forget about it until Lumine expressed her delight at the idea.

The original idea was a beach-themed cake, with the usual sand-like crumbs and seashells. Xiao instead suggested a baby blue coloured cake with frosting smudged on the cake to look like waves.

The day then ended with Xiao and Aether presenting a drawing of their combined ideas, Aether adding some white roses to complete the look.

(AN: Source: https://emmalovesweddings.com/summer-beach-wedding-cakes/summer-beach-wedding-cake-ideas/)

Lumine is in love with it.

“Have you two decided on the wedding date yet by the way?” her mother pulled her out of her thoughts.

“Well, we’re thinking a sunny Summer wedding will be nice? It fits the whole beach wedding theme, and coincidentally, that’s the time Ajax and I will don’t have to worry much about work.” Lumine answered, “It’s also going to be Qiqi’s first Summer at the beach.” she smiled at the scene last night, Qiqi’s eyes wide and curious as Ajax talks about the beach.

Qiqi had never been a huge fan of being under the sun, always preferring to stay under the shade, but from the looks of last night, her daughter seemed to be willing to give it a try, the seashell hunting and castle building especially.

Her mother took note of it on her phone, “Got it, now go ahead and look at these locations, I’ll contact them as soon as we get home.” she smiled.

Lumine hummed as she looked at the potential venues, they look great to Lumine so far, she appreciates the notes her mother stick with the pictures showcasing what each location is known and loved for.

She’s really invested in it, and Lumine wonders where all this energy is when it was her and Zhongli-

Before she could dwell on the thought, she shook her head, gaining a curious look from her mother.

“Sorry, something caught in my eye.” she shrugged it off while pretending to rub her eyes.

She went over the venues again, she managed to pick her top 3 favourites before calling for her groom to be, “Ajax, can you help me choose between these?”

The scene before her paused with Qiqi laughing as she pretends to fly as Ajax holds her up while her grandfather pretends to catch her.

“Sure, wanna help Mama and Papa choose the wedding venues, Qiqi?” Ajax cooed before sitting next to Lumine, putting Qiqi on his lap.

“Yes, Qiqi wants lots of seashells.” the little girl replied as she looked at the pictures.

“I’m sure all of them have lots of seashells, dear.” her grandmother chuckled.

Her mother is right, so it doesn’t really narrow down Lumine’s options, “How about you?” she asked Ajax, intertwining her fingers with his.

Ajax hummed, giving Lumine’s hand a kiss as he looked at the options, Qiqi giggled and offered her own hand, to which Ajax chuckled and give it a light kiss as well before ruffling her hair.

“They’re all good to me.” he shrugged.

“Ah, as helpful as your father was when we were planning our wedding.” her mother joked.

“Hey, I just trust your taste more than mine.” her father defended as he sat next to his wife.

Ajax was about to use the same excuse, but Lumine glared at him, “Don’t you dare.”

He raised his hands in defence, “Alright how about this, we close our eyes and let fate pick?”

Lumine raised an eyebrow.

“What? They’re your top 3 favourites, right? And we can’t choose, so why not give it a try?” Ajax shrugged.

Lumine sighed but agree, “Well, why not?”

With their hands together, they closed their eyes.

Their parents can’t help but laugh, Qiqi giggling in anticipation as she waits for the answer.

Their fingers grabbed a picture.

They opened their eyes,

‘Cool Isle’, it read.

~~~

“Qiqi wants beach wedding too,” Qiqi says, effectively freezing Ajax from cooking.

Lumine snickered from the table, watching and waiting for the man’s reaction. It was almost dinner time when her parents left, so they decided to hang out in the kitchen while Ajax prepares their meal, Qiqi’s colouring on her notebook while Lumine decided to just randomly film themselves. It’s a thing that she loves to do, documenting some of their lives to look back to in the future, and now looks like an interesting memory to laugh at someday.

Ajax turned to them with a tight smile, “No.”

Qiqi pouted, “Why not?”

“Because you’re my baby Qiqi and you’ll be forever, therefore, you’re not allowed to get married,” Ajax explained, pouting when he saw Lumine snickering with no intention of stopping their daughter from her terrifying plan.

“But why?”

“You’ll get three storytimes later if you promise not to get married.”

“Four!”

“Deal. You got that on camera right, love?” Ajax turned to Lumine.

“Oh my god.” Lumine laughed but nodded, “Yeah, I did.”

“You heard that yourself future Qiqi,” Ajax said at the camera.

“Four stories, yay!” the little girl hummed, bouncing lightly as she coloured.

The rest of the evening went quietly, they do their routines, Qiqi falling asleep midway through her first story, and now Ajax and Lumine are cuddling on their bed, the blonde having her back against her lover’s chest while his hands trace random shapes on her hip.

“What are you thinking about?” Lumine asked as she turned to face Ajax.

“Just you walking down the aisle dressed like the goddess you are.” he grinned.

“Really now?” Lumine raised an eyebrow, but Ajax can still see the smile she’s hiding.

“Well, trying to imagine what’s underneath the dress but it doesn’t sound as romantic now, does it?” Ajax teased, earning a playful smack from Lumine.

“It sounds more honest at least,” she retorted back with a playful smile.

“Now I can’t stop thinking of it…”

Lumine can feel something poking her leg, “Stop, it’s a surprise!” she huffed.

“That doesn’t help, love, now I’m more curious.” he groaned as he buried his face against her neck.

“There’s a reason why it’s called a surprise, you know.” Lumine rolled her eyes but still tilted her head to give him space.

“A small preview would be nice though…” he said suggestively before giving her neck a soft nibble.

“Hm, I guess a small sneak peek is fi-”

Lumine didn’t get the chance to finish her sentence for her fiancé just dived in for his meal.

~~~

“Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day, little Qiqi wants to play…” Qiqi sang softly as she traces the raindrops on the car window.

“It looks like it’ll be raining for the whole day.” Lumine observed the sky, “Qiqi, if it’s still raining when school’s done, just stay over Granny Shan’s toy store and I’ll pick you up, okay?”

“Can Qiqi have a new toy?” Qiqi gasped in excitement.

“If you’re a good girl for Granny Shan, then Papa will buy you one.” Ajax chuckled at the sparkle in Qiqi’s eyes.

Qiqi nodded before humming again, this time, livelier as she starts to think of what toy she would want.

“It’s nice we have someone to watch over Qiqi, we might be a little busy today since we’re in charge of the sweets for an event. I’ll make sure to bring Granny Shan something when I pick Qiqi up.” Lumine says as she looked at the notes on her phone to prepare for today.

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate that, babe.” Ajax hummed as he slowed the car in front of Qiqi’s school rather than the bakery, “Fix your raincoat, sweetie, Papa will walk you to school.” he said then waited for the little girl to follow his order.

“Give Mama a kiss and have fun at school, okay?” Lumine smiled.

“Okay! Qiqi’s gonna do her bestest!” the little girl responded before giving Lumine a kiss.

Ajax prepared the umbrella before stepping out of the car to get his daughter.

Lumine hummed and waited in the car. She looked at the toy store across the street, “It looks like they’re opening.” she said as she watches someone in a raincoat and an umbrella try to push up the display barrier to reveal the contents of the shop.

Granny Shan did say someone was helping her run the shop, “Someone looking for his family, huh.” she remembered the old woman saying, though she didn’t get any more information than that, though she did remember the man being nice to Qiqi and buying her a present.

Lumine should also bring him something as a thank you later.

The car door opening pulled Lumine’s attention from the employee.

“Qiqi has her umbrella, right?” Lumine asked.

“Yup, I made sure she didn’t forget it this time,” Ajax answered as he settled inside the car, “Alright, let’s go,” he said as he drove off.

~~~

Zhongli sighed as he shrugs his raincoat off and placing it on the coat rack together with the umbrella. He’s glad he stopped Granny Shan from going outside to open the shop herself. It was a bit tough even for him to push the barriers up with the wind trying to blow his umbrella away, he doesn’t want to imagine how dangerous it would’ve been for her.

“I hope it won’t be raining as much later.” the old woman hummed as she observed the weather.

“The weather news said it’ll be raining but it would be lighter than this,” Zhongli said as he went on about his duties.

“Well, either way, Qiqi would be waiting here, her mother will pick her up later.” Granny Shan said, “Which is nice cause I would love to give her something for their wedding.”

“Wedding?” Zhongli raised his eyebrow.

“Ah yes, turns out the couple isn’t married yet. Qiqi isn’t biologically the groom’s but she was raised by him when her father died from an accident.” the woman explained.

“That’s an unfortunate accident.” Zhongli frowned.

“Ah it was, but her groom is a great man, he said her deceased husband was his best friend, while it may sound controversial, I think it’s great that he takes good care of them, you can see how dedicated and loving he is when it comes to his family.” Granny Shan chuckled, “Maybe you should visit the bakery sometimes, it would be more fun to socialise with people your age than just an old lady like me.” she teased.

“Don’t be like that, I quite enjoy our conversation.” the brunette replied, “But I think it would be nice to meet them, maybe they can help me in searching for my own family.”

“Ah, that would be great as well.” Granny Shan replied, “Well, I’ll go ahead and make us some tea to warm us up.” she said before leaving to the kitchen.

Zhongli hum before continuing his tasks.

~~~

It was five hours after Qiqi’s done with school.

Five hours of Qiqi waiting for her Mama.

And Qiqi is starting to get a little fussy.

By this time, Qiqi would have taken a nap in the private room of the bakery, she would’ve woken up refreshed and would be playing with her Uncles now.

She doesn’t even remember the promise of a new toy, she just wants to go home and sleep.

Granny Shan had offered the sofa in their living room, but Qiqi isn’t comfortable with napping somewhere else than the comfort of familiarity their bakery gives. Even if she knows Granny Shan and Mr Zhongli are good people, she just wants her Mama and Uncles nearby.

Zhongli frowns as Qiqi rejects another snack from him, while Qiqi did have a packed lunch with her, he thought that some sweets will brighten her mood, but all he was getting was a no and a frustrated tired face from the girl.

“Hm, it’s barely raining outside now, why don’t you just walk Qiqi there?” Granny Shan said.

Qiqi perked up at the suggestion, looking at Zhongli with tired and pleading eyes.

“Yeah, I think it would be a great idea, the little one is tired and I think she’d be more comfortable resting with her family.” Zhongli nodded.

Qiqi’s eye lightened, she nodded in agreement before standing up to follow Zhongli.

“Alright, be careful, bye Qiqi.” Granny Shan waved.

Having been in a good mood again, Qiqi smiled and waved, “Bye-bye, GrannyShan!” before grabbing Zhongli’s hand.

It took Zhongli by surprise, he wasn’t offering his hand but it seemed to be a habit of the little girl, which isn’t that bad, it’s safer that way and he’s glad her parents thought her that.

Also for some reason, it gives him a huge sense of comfort.

Gently grabbing Qiqi’s hand and an umbrella, they made their way.

~~~

“Oh my god, I hope Qiqi is fine.” Lumine said as she frantically shoved her things in her purse, “We were so busy no one can come to get her, I couldn’t even prepare something for Granny Shan.”

“Baby, calm down.” Ajax sighed as he wrapped his arms around his stressed lover, hugging her from the back “Qiqi’s in good hands and you guys did amazing for the event, you should rest for a bit,” he said softly before kissing the side of her head.

While Lumine is shy with public display of affection, there is no customer to tend since the bakery was closed early, most of the employees left, Xiao was at the kitchen making sure to clean the last bit before locking up the back then heading home, and Aether had left to pick Keqing up from work. It’s just the two of them in front of the shop, Lumine having cleaned up the counter and tables when Ajax arrived.

“You know how Qiqi is when she doesn’t get her nap, she’s going to be a nightmare to take care of later.” the blonde dreaded.

Ajax chuckled, turned her around and lifted her up to sit her on the table, “I’ll be with you, don’t worry, we’ll handle our little tantrum monster, okay?” he smiled with an Eskimo kiss.

The exact thing Lumine needs to calm down, she smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck, “How are you always so bright even after work.” she pouted at him.

“Let’s say messing with a certain midget is a great stress reliever.” Ajax grinned mischievously.

“You know one day, you’re gonna get in trouble for pissing him so much at work.” Lumine deadpanned.

“Eh, I only mess with him when it’s a slow day so I’m not disrupting anything at work. Though it had become a game for everyone to bet on who’s gonna fall for whose prank, I have a winning streak of 4 if you’re curious.”

“If our kids become little shits, you’re sleeping on the fucking sofa.” Lumine threatened, though there’s a playful hint in her eyes.

“Such a harsh punishment, love, how will I pass on my legacy?” Ajax faked frowned.

“What legacy? Being a little shit to Scaramouche?” Lumine teased as she poked his cheeks.

“Well, I was thinking our kids vs his, you know? A worthy opponent, their battle will be legendary!”

Lumine laughed, “Ajax, no!”

Ajax grinned, glad that his lover is in a much brighter mood. The talk about their future kids had also brightened him up with excitement, he can imagine Qiqi being the best big sister she can be with the future little ones that’ll be running around their house.

Speaking of which, he should start looking for some renovation plans to handle a bigger family in their home.

A text notified Lumine. She checked her phone and sighed in relief, “Well, looks like Granny Shan sent her employee to walk Qiqi here.”

Ajax hummed before burying his face against her neck, “That’s great, ‘cause I’m feeling comfortable like this.”

“You’re gonna make the man uncomfortable, Ajax.” Lumine pointed out how intimate they look but nonetheless brushed her fingers through his hair.

“Eh, should be expected with a soon to be wed couple.” Ajax shrugged not moving except lifting his face to rest his forehead against hers.

Lumine just chuckled and welcomed the comfort.

“Mama, Papa, Qiqi’s here! Look, Mister, that’s Qiqi’s Mama and Papa!”

[isthatbloodonhisshirt]

If you could change ten things about Teen Wolf what would you change??

OMG BUCKLE DOWN BECAUSE IT’S GONNA BE A LONG ONE! Do asks have a word limit? Guess we gonna find out! (Sometimes I wish I could speak these replies, they sound much funnier when I am speaking out loud to myself and then they are just weird and flat typed up but I DIGRESS! I do that a lot, have you noticed? Doesn’t matter.)

(Also, I did put a “Keep Reading” but for some reason it’s not working. Or it’s not showing as working on my end. But it’s right under this paragraph I swear so if it’s not working, that isn’t on me....)

1) SO! Trauma. People be dealing with their traumas. That’d be a thing I’d like, thank you. Like, I’m sorry, but there is a fuckton of trauma in this show and everyone like, goes to bed at night and wakes up cured. Like MAGIC! I mean, yes, I get that magic is a thing in the show (is it? I mean kind of? Idk, I never saw past season 4, they alluded to magic and then SNATCHED THAT AWAY so, side-note, that’s coming up later!) But yes, I would’ve very much liked for people to, you know, deal with their traumas in a realistic fashion. Let’s get some therapy going, or like, idk, some actual negative reactions to thing! They kind of had that with Stiles every now and then, but he seemed to be up and down episode to episode so like, it’d be like they wrote an episode where he reacts to what happened to him and then four episodes have gone by where he’s fine and the writers were like “OH YEAH SHIT HE JUST MURDERED LIKE A WHOLE HOSPITAL, make him have a panic attack randomly over dropping milk, that balances out, excellent, we’re so smart.” So yes. DEAL. WITH. THE. TRAUMA! Thanks.

2) LESS CHARACTERS, MORE DEVELOPMENT! I mentioned this in another recent ask about relationships but like, they just kept shoving characters in there. Like one of those clown cars. So we got like, 30% character development on the core group and then the rest was like “wait, who are you again?” Like, legit, I have a bad memory, you put too many people in front of me, I ain’t gonna remember them unless they have a good personality or a reason to be there. And like, develop their relationships! Not even romantically, but like, Scott’s mom loves Scott, that is sweet and lovely, but like, we never really… see… that… developed? Idk man, like again, I have a bad memory, but when you really develop relationships WELL (ex: Brooklyn-nine-nine), that shit sticks with you and you CARE about people. The friendships are important, and the familial relationships are important and just developing all the dynamics is important! They spent more time showcasing how much everyone hated each other and lied to each other and stuff and that just got really tiring. Yes, you’re allowed to get mad at your friends, but if you’re a Werewolf, and your human friend is calling you when there is a fucking monster running around killing people, can you maybe stop making out with your girlfriend and answer your phone so your friend isn’t treading water with a 200+ pound Werewolf for 2 hours? Like, JUST SAYING! (Spoiler alert: Me and Scott would not be close friends. Like, I think we’d be friends, but not so much that I’d trust him with my life. If I wanted to grab pizza and a movie, maybe play some video games, he sounds like a treat, but if my life was in danger, thanks I be callin’ someone who answers their phone).

3) Actual consequences for their actions! Okay like, I am also guilty of this in fanfic, but at the same time, my writing is free, I don’t get paid for it, and I write what I want because that’s how it works, so I can do whatever I please (If I wanna make the Hales royalty for the millionth time, ain’t nobody gonna stop me!). But like, when you are a legit paid screenwriter who is writing a show? Consequences! Just because it’s a show about Werewolves doesn’t mean there can’t be any consequences! Like, the best scene, and I feel like we can agree, because fuck it like, hurt my soul and my heart and I was just so like ;~; was when the sheriff got fired (fired? suspended? TEMPORARILY UNEMPLOYED!) because Stiles stole a police van when they locked Jackson up in it. Like, that shit was REAL LIFE CONSEQUENCES for actions, and that shit was intense and it HURT and omg I loved it! Give me more of that! Like, I’m sorry, but you gonna tell me Nogistune!Stiles walked through the hospital murdering a bazillion people and not one camera was working the whole time? Not one? Nobody saw that? Nobody went “hey, isn’t that the sheriff’s kid?” Like, CAN. YOU. IMAGINE?! That would’ve been so amazing, a bunch of episodes of the pack scrambling to keep the Supernatural a secret while also trying to stop Stiles from GETTING ARRESTED because saying “Sorry ma’am, I was possessed by a demon fox who likes chaos and thought murdering a bunch of people would be fun” ain’t gonna fly in court and the FBI sure isn’t gonna believe that but like, UGH! Again, bad memory, but was the fact that Dark!Stiles wandered through the hospital killing people EVER brought up again???? CONSEQUENCES. Woulda really liked that.

4) STOP with unnecessary romances. Like, yeah, I get it, the allos like their romances, but shockingly, you can still have a good show without focussing on the romance. Like, it can be there, I’m not saying don’t put it in, I’m saying DON’T MAKE IT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! Like, the entirety of season one was Scott chasing Allison and Stiles chasing Lydia. This… this does not make an interesting show? Like, is that just me? And then as the season progressed, EVERYONE had to be in a relationship? WHY? Again, haven’t seen past season four, but I mean, I know Scott and Kira were a thing, and then Stiles and Malia, and Liam and some… person? Idk. And Ethan and Danny (congrats Jeff, you get to tick your “I had representation in my show!” box, well done, gold star, or whatever). And Isaac and Allison, and Melissa and Chris (apparently?). And then Stydia was alluded as being canon, and Scott ended up with Malia somehow?? And Derek slept with half the town and all of Mexico, idek. Like, stop it. Stop. Shows work without everything being about everyone banging each other. (See again: Brooklyn-nine-nine, or Avatar the Last Airbender, or The Good Place, or even fucking Supernatural!) You can have a good, interesting story without everyone banging each other. It ain’t necessary.

5) More actual storytelling (again, this woulda worked better without the unnecessary romances taking up 49 of the 50 minutes of air-time). Like, yes, I get it, pilot’s gotta have some pizzaz! Gotta be spicy and sparkly to make people interested (and like, fucking hell, all I can remember of the pilot is sobbing Allison soaking wet–LIKE, WAS THAT NECESSARY???–about the dog she hit and oh noes is it dead well thank God the lead character works for a vet! And somehow has keys and access to the whole clinic like nbd at all hours? Whatever. I wasn’t even allowed inside my blockbuster as a shift lead if it was off-hours but apparently a high school student doing paperwork at a vet clinic is different, I’m not a vet so what do I know? I HAD A BAD DAY OKAY, I GOT FEELINGS ABOUT THIS RN!) I went off-topic, what was I saying? Oh yes, storytelling. You know what woulda been nice? Werewolves! It happens, we find out about Laura, we find out about Werewolves, Scott gets bitten, all that jazz. And then like… ease in the Hunters? Like, why was there Laura/Derek, Peter, AND the Hunters all crammed into the pilot? Yes, I get it, you need the SUSPENSE and the DRAMA, but you can do that without the Hunters right off the bat. Just, how CONVENIENT~ that the same day Derek and Laura come back, Hunters move to town? That’s just lazy, and again, I can be guilty of laziness, I admit to it, but I literally get paid in—like, do hearts count? I get paid in hearts and pats on the back for my fics, I can write whatever I want. If you’re getting paid to write something, try a bit harder, yes? Yes???

What number am I on? Oh good Lord, I got things to say, okay.

6) MAGIC! Can you like—I feel like this one is self-explanatory. Stiles did the whole mountain ash thing in season one, and it was SO PROMISING, and then that just died. It died like Maes Hughes getting shot in a phonebooth (spoiler, but really, you haven’t seen that yet, that’s a you problem). Why even bother introducing magic if you weren’t gonna use it? Like, was it because people like Stiles more than Scott and the showrunner was like “nonono. If we make him magic, he’s TOO cool, and then Scott is unimportant.” I mean, you coulda worked that in your favour, but no. You just murdered the fuck out of it, like straight up took it out back and shot it. Like, yeah, Derek went kiddo again and Jennifer was apparently all magic beauty spell or whatever, but like?? That’s it??? You had a show about Werewolves and you didn’t even try to make it more interesting by making some of the characters magic? Lydia’s basically the closest and they didn’t even explain her powers that well. Magic would’ve been dope and they totally shoved that to the side. That was dumb. Shoulda done something with that.

7) Explain things more? Don’t mention them once and then do nothing? Like, we got some brief stuff about anchors, and emissaries (which are super duper secret according to Deaton but then like, EVERYONE KNOWS HE IS EMISSARY SO WHICH IS IT DEATON? YOU TELL ME!) Like, they had so much opportunity to talk about so many things and again, maybe that comes out more in the later seasons, idk, but they likely coulda done with more explanations and they didn’t and this angers me GREATLY. They mention something once and then it never comes up again. That’s some Lost bullshit right there. Don’t start something if you’re not gonna commit. You tell me the beginning of the story, I wanna fucking know the end, don’t forget halfway through and wander away, that ain’t right, I NEED ANSWERS JEFF! And like, as above, never really got Lydia’s powers. I know what a Banshee is, but her powers did NOT make sense to me. Idk, could just be that I’m dumb, but similarly, don’t write something so convoluted that it confuses people, that is also dumb. As dumb as I am so like, well done there. And also do we get more on Parrish? I know he’s a Hellhound, but how does one get born a Hellhound and not know until you are conveniently lit on fire by someone trying to kill you for money? (Also, you bean, you absolute treasure, “I’m worth five dollars?” You’re so cute. Silly child.) I feel like being a Hellhound is something that woulda come up before getting barbecued in his cruiser. Like, he works a stressful job, you gonna tell me not ONCE while getting shot at he didn’t have a massive heart attack over a close call and like, burst into flames? No? Is that just a me thing? I feel like the slightest annoyance and I’d be fully on fire, not gonna lie. (I’d be on fire a LOT… CLEARLY I AM AN ANGRY PERSON! No, that’s not true. No yes it is, I am angry, but more angry lately because I’m sleep-deprived and work is dumb ANYWAY back to this)

8) EMBRACE THE SIDE CHARACTERS! Okay, so MAYBE Scott is meant to be the golden child. The Dick Grayson of the show, if you will. The original Robin, the creme de la creme. That’s all fine and dandy if he is, no judgement (little judgement), but you know what you don’t do when your side characters are getting a lot of attention and love? What you DO NOT do is give them less screen time. Because then you’re being petty and, shockingly, you get more positive results when you give the fans what they want. I’m not talking about pairings, because everyone is different, and you can’t cater to everyone, but like, the more people moved away from liking Scott, the harder the showrunners pushed him into our faces. And like, that isn’t how this works. If I like side character 87 a lot, and the lead’s getting annoying, you know what’s gonna make me NOT watch the show? Cutting out side character 87 (hey, for shits and gigs, let’s call him DANNY, just, not coincidentally at all) and then just shoving the lead into my face. That is what makes someone go “Well, four seasons is enough, I can happily live knowing I didn’t waste my life watching two more of them.” Like??? I’m not saying cut out Scott, because the show is ABOUT Scott, but the more everyone tried to showcase how amazing and wonderful and pure and perfect he was, the more annoying it got? Like, Scott has flaws. THEY ALL HAVE FLAWS! If you don’t admit that they all have flaws, it gets boring, and you hate the characters. I know that Scott turned into a douche later (apparently, again, haven’t seen it), but even in the early seasons by trying to make him this pure True Alpha golden angel child who spreads love and hope and trusts everyone, it just got boring. He was vanilla, and also a bad friend, because he was too “perfect” to be around someone “imperfect” like Stiles, and even like, the rest of the pack overall. He was always put on a pedestal and it made the show really… irksome? Idk, I just feel like yes, SCOTT is the Teen Wolf, but you added all these damn side characters, maybe use them a bit more? At least Stiles was interesting, and Lydia was fucking badass, and fucking hell, if you’d done right by Boyd and Erica, the actors wouldn’t have left for better shows so like, come on man, you coulda done better. We coulda had such a dope show, why you gotta crush my dreams like that Jeff? What did I ever do to you?

I know this is only eight, but this is long enough, if I go two more, this is gonna be IN.SANE. And also it’s late and I haven’t finished my fic for the day (I mean, I’m almost done, but I’m not done yet!) So like, I’ma stop here. But yes, hopefully this answered your question. Sorry I got REALLY PASSIONATE about it but it’s been a day.

Also, I feel this needs to be said, but obviously these are my own personal opinions, and as opinions, you are not obligated to agree with them. But you are also not allowed to tell me my opinion is wrong. You can disagree with it, but this is an opinion, not a law, so there is no right and wrong. Don’t @ me, my day’s been bad enough kthx!

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, BE BACK IN LIKE TWENTY(?) MINUTES!

[insomnihan]

han’s Entire Thoughts and Feelings on Dreamcatcher’s “Boca”

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there are no read mores here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ALRIGHT SO-

THE SONG HAD THE F UCKING NERVE THE AUDACITY THE GUMPTION AND THE GALL TO BE AS BOMB AS IT IS literally the moment i heard that rain and thunder i was f cukity F CIKED the way that they just know how to work with more gentle verse parts and theN PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE WITH THE CHORUS ITSELF SPEAKING OF THE CHORUS ITS F UCKING CRAZY??????????? THAT????????? GODDAMN GUITAR????????????? OWNS MY ASS??????????? OH MY F UCKING GOD JUST THE WAY GAHYEON STARTS IT OFF TO EASE US INTO IT HMMMMMMMMMM- THE ABSOLUTE POWER IN DAMIS FIRST RAP........... SHES SICK™ FOR THAT!!!!!! ‘HOLD UP’ YEAH HOLD UP I WASNT READY DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN DAMIS AND GAHYEONS RAPS IN THE SECOND VERSE YOU CANT EXPECT TO BE OKAY AFTER THAT™ ARE YOU SERIOUS- just all of their voices............ the way theyre just so powerful and emotional and you can tell............. siyeon pls your high notes holy f uck-

WHAT IM SAYING Is this song was such a good follow up to scream like F UCK i literally ask after every comeback ‘will they top this’ and tHEN THEY DO

i was so boo boo the fool like i really thought since diamond and breaking out fell into the same genre that it wouldnt be intense like This im 🤡

SO I WILL BE USING THE COMEBACK SHOWCASE TO TALK ABOUT THE DANCE BC OH MY GOD- so they all said that this song was their hardest dance yet................. queens of dance I F UCJUNG SWEAR

FIRST OF ALL THE BEGINNING POSE IS EVERYTHING™

THE PART AFTER THAT WITH DAMI PULLING YOOHYEON INTO HER SINGING PART....................... i just like it a lot

HONESTLY DAMIS ENTIRE PART

YOOHYEONS PART BEFORE THE CHORUS

THE ACTUAL CHORUS

both the upside down triangle hand symbol AND then for ‘boca’ where they make their hands like a mouth................... Iconic™

GAHYEON WITH THE FLAGS?????????? HELLO????????

and then dami................................. i-

the flags............... sua and jiu and yoohyeon.......... Thinking A Lot™

this part with jius bridge lives rent free in my brain

sua sitting on the dancers shoulders and singing the most hard hitting lyrics in the song thats it thats the bullet point

just................. the WHOLE ENDING

shouldve really just put the entire damn video here but i already wrote it out

THEY NEVER PLAY AROUND WITH THE VISUALS EVER!!!!!!!!!!! THE COLORS ARE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS AND VIBRANT THE SETS ARE SO DREAMLIKE???????? I WISH I CAN FULLY EXPLAIN IT BUT ALL I COULD REALLY DO IS DESCRIBE THEM AS THEY ARE- THE PINK SET THEY DANCE IN IS SO COOL TO ME THE PLACE WITH THE TREES AND GRASS AND THEYRE DANCING IN THE F UCKING WATER AND WHERE GAHYEON HURTED US WITH HER RAP AND WHEN THEYRE ALL JUST STANDING AROUND LIKE BEAUTIFUL PRINCESSES AND WHERE YOOHYEON SAT AMAZINGLY- AND WHERE SIYEON STANDS WITH ALL THE BUSTS WITH TAPE OVER THEIR MOUTHS THE SYMBOLISM™!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN WHEREVER DAMI WAS IN GENERAL.................. [REST]

TIME TO SHOW WHICH SCENES I LIKED

THE WHOLE F UCKING THING MOVING ON-

T H E M

okay................................ everyone who follows me KNOWS that im just so whipped for all these women if i was a Brave Bicth™ id tell them they were all beautiful every day to their faces but if this is your first time seeing this CHAOTIC AS F UCK series of posts then-

LOOKATTHEMBEINGBEAUTIFULANDETHEREALPRINCESSESINONESCENETHENBADBITCHESINTHENEXTAREYOUKIDDINGMEICANTBELIEVETHEYREALLYOUTHERELOOKINGLIKETHIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JIU

BELLE????????????? BELLE IS THAT YOU???????????? why does Miss JiU over here just got to be one of the most beautiful women in the GODDAMN UNIVERSE I CANT STAND THIS LOOK AT THIS PICTURE!!!!!! i wont lie to yall but it was gonna be this one or the one kinda at the beginning where shes wearing red..................... and....................... her neck- THE RED IS FIRE BY THE WAY AND THE SAME OUTFIT BUT IN LIKE R.o.S.E BLUE WITH THE CHAIN STEP ON ME- and the black one that we dont really see a lot of.................. the sheer of it............ bicth-

SUA

yes it was absolutely necessary for me to use this shot

OFC MY BICTH ASS NEARLY FELL OFF HIS F CUKING BED WHEN SHE SHOWED UP IN THE TEASER JUST COVERED IN WATER I SWEAR I COULDNT BREATHE FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! first of all the red and blue ones just one sleeve and those shorts and all those belts I DUNNO JUST THIS WOMAN AND CROP TOPS OKAY IM LOSING IT IM THIS 👌 CLOSE and then the white dress i cant stand her i really cant-

SIYEON

HOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO MISS LEE SIYEON OUT FOR MY NECK I SEE- i just wanna point out first that i love her love for pants like the rest of the outfits are gonna be worn for performing and they all have those baggy pants she loves so much pls shes everything im 🥺🥺🥺 tho the braids and the high ponytail without and yknow what WITH BANGS TOO im........................ i cant stop staring at this picture-

YOOHYEON

SHE IS NOW A LARGE AND SCARY DOG-

this specific hairstyle in the screenshot........ the braids the safety pins with the brown and pink or whatever it was like three different colors just the Serve™ she is serving in that with that outfit and the back of her skirt is long than the front im weak in the knees for you maam- oH THAT F UCKING RED ONE GRABBED MY NECK NAILS INTO MY SKIN AND ALL AND ENDED ME HONESTLY and that chain necklace.......................... keeping words to myself-

DAMI

SHES SO HOT AND FOR WHAT my god this blue hair she is WORKING IT- i had such a difficult time even finding a good screenshot of her and i know the moment i just decided with this one that i was just gonna keep getting distracted by it and i am rn as i type this GOD- the all black outfit she shows up in the very first time in the mv..................... [REST] the blue one with the thing on her thigh with the low ponytail................. [REST x2] herself....................... [D*AD]

GAHYEON

POPULAR OPINION: THIS IS HER ERA

THE MOMENT SHE JUST SHOWS UP RIGHT AT THE START SHE GRABBED US BY THE NECKS AND LET US KNOW SHES KILLING IT LIKE THIS this pink hair is doing her like two million favors like the space bun look right here???????? STUNNING just left long and straight??????? BEAUTIFUL the fit with the beige(?) sweater and skirt and that black outfit during her rap verse the pink dress iM D*AD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BONUS TIME: B-SIDE TRACKS (short thoughts and parts i liked)

Intro

A SLAPPER WE LOVE TO HEAR IT-

Break the Wall

oH BICTH the way this song took me back to my edgy middle school years listening to music like this MY GOD THEIR VOICES SOUND SO COOL ON IT like they were using megaphones and s hit THE CHORUS IS SO GOOD IM GOING FERAL™ I FEEL LIKE I CAN CONQUER THE WORLD WITH THIS-

Can’t Get You Out Of My Mind

ALL ENGLISH SONG BICTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its all about the yearning its so catchy and good i was literally already singing it randomly right after the highlight medley like honestly this and break the wall are so nostalgic highkey- their pronunciation is so so SO good!!!!

Dear

JIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭 IM SO SOFT DONT LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she wrote this herself and its just so full of love and thankfulness and gratefulness and appreciation for insomnias SOMEONE PROTECT HER- and then the rest of the members singing so gently and beautifully there are real tears in my eyes...............

LIKE im just gonna say it every comeback now i guess THEY👏NEVER👏DISAPPOINT👏EVER👏 i love being an insomnia so much yknow??? love them as people love them for always providing content and always showing that they love and appreciate their fans and how they always make me laugh and feel better and most importantly of all is THEIR MUSIC not implying anything with capitalizing and bolding that............... unless they are so incredibly talented and show how versatile they are in so many different genres AND THEYVE GROWN SO MUCH IN POPULARITY THIS YEAR AND ARE NOW BEATING THEIR OWN GOALS im so happy to be their fan 😊😊😊 this just became a paragraph of me and how much i love them ANYWAY-

IN CONCLUSION: WHERE IS THE LOVE?????????? ITS BEING DIRECTED AT THIS ALBUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and AS TRADITION:

[thahonored1]

Could I have a match up maybe?🥺 If sooooo, I am around 5’3, I’m lightskined LMAO, i have 3b curly hair, I have brown eyes, If I do say so myself I have an ok body, I slim,curvy, and a big booty💀,I would think I’m more of an introvert but can be and extrovert. I love that weird type of humor that is unfunny too many people but weirdos like me enjoy it😌. I am an activist! I also think that everyone should be equal and anyone can change. Oh and I’m also a taurus! Thanks bb🙈:)

KUROO TETSURŌ💖

Here is why i think so:

You're a total babe! I can totally imagine him simping over you even before you two get together

He didn't really bothered hiding the fact that he's into you, he seems to be the type to flirt freely in public so he used that to make his moves on you

And GURL HOW YOU SWOONED LMAO

You were hesitant about him at first since he seems to be a typical playboy, have u seen his hair and grin? Uh huh

But he worked hard to prove to you how serious he is and just how much he loves you so you became official💖🥺

You're a fun couple!

Kuroo really brings out the extrovert in you whenever you're with him, he would always find a way to drag you with his, and sometime the team's antics

He's really happy that you clicked well with his friends and beams in joy when you also have tons of fun

He likes seeing you happy

And did you say weird humor? Oh boy, he's down for that

He would join you in googling cursed pictures on and exchange memes you find funny during unGODLY HOURS

Though you lowkey just deadpan at him whenever his jokes are turning into those chemistry ones he came up with along with Yaku in their shared classes.

You love him, really, but science jokes aren't easy to understand WHEN IT'S MADE BY HIM

Another thing Kuroo would be down for is PDA

He loves showing you off💖

He would always be near you, head resting on yours or have have an arm around you

He would also go as far as to brag about you like,

"Shut up, you owl, it's my turn to brag about how y/n looked so good in cat-themed stockings-"

He also doesn't mind if you're not always in the mood to go out, he would be happy just to be with you

"Wanna watch the match we had with Fukurodani when we were 1st years? Bokuto got slammed by a ball on his face and cried." he would ask out of nowhere while you two cuddle on the couch, with you leaning on his chest

".....Play it." you would reply.

He loves hearing you laugh, it gives him the butterflies fluttering his stomach and would ignore the video to hear your giggles instead

Would randomly shower you kisses to hide his blusing cheeks.

He also doesn't stop you from wearing whatever clothes you prefer, be it a skin-tight dress that showcase your curves or a baggy sweatshirt you stole from him

He doesn't mind, as long as you're comfortable and confident in it! You look gorgeous either way

but beware of his hands if you do wear some outfit he finds really attractive💖 especially with yer cake guRL

He's really touchy and verbal when showing affections, be it public or indoors

He would always be ready with tons of compliments, from your hair, to your eyes and to your whole being, really

"You're as gorgeous as always, babe." he'll say, even when you're stuffing your face with donuts.

He just really can't stop falling deeper in love with you, and would always rant to Kenma just how lucky he is to meet someone like you even though the setter mostly ignores him

You're an activist? That won't stop his love for you dear, if anything, he'll even join you

He's an intellegent individual, someone you can talk to with different issues and your views, he wouldn't judge you and even encourage you as long as you're on the right track

though he also wouldn't mind speaking sense to you if something's off about your views, but he respects your opinions a lot so it won't turn to you two arguing or anything-

Would join you whole heartedly in every protest you go to, you're always gonna be beside him to keep you safe

"I'll always be here with you, okay?" he would say, placing a kiss on you forehead before flashing you his heart stopping grin. "I love you, you know that, right?"

"Mm, i love you too."

YOU'RE A POWER COUPLE🥺😌

I hope you like it🥺 thankyou for asking me!!💖💖😌

[jheaton416]

Ace and Sep’s Greatest Hits

With Sad Hands and heavy hearts we bid farewell to Ace and Sep's Buffy recaps...  

"I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world who has the power to stop me now." Just then the Hubris Police step in in the form of Rupert Giles and throw a bolt of green energy at Willow, knocking her clear across the room. "I'd like to test that theory," says Giles, all tall and authoritative. Oh, Giles! Hi! I missed you so much this season! We have so much catching up to do! Let's see. I just finished my finals, and I think I did rather well. And I met a very nice boy who just happens to live in England, so when I'm over there this summer, if you wanna hang out or something just let me know. I gotta hand this over to Ace now, but... call me!

Sep, "Two to Go"

Sep: So there I was. At Trader Joe's, and boom. No Booty to be had. And you know my dedication to all things snack.  Ace: I feel your pain. The other night I was at TJ's and they had all these different kinds of Booty from Fruit Booty to Vegetable Booty, but not the Booty that I wanted.  Sep: Yargh. That blows.  Ace: Snerk. So anyway. Ash asked me if I wanted to get one of the other varieties, but I just felt that if I couldn't have the Booty that I wanted, it was better to have no Booty at all.  Sep: Dude. That's deep. And also would have saved me much pain and humiliation in my early twenties.  

There are tiny colonies of single-celled life at the bottom of deep fissures in the sea using their cilia to tell each other, "Buffy used Spike." Can we please move on?

Sep, "Never Leave Me"  

Ecch, I hear a noise like forty cats being squeezed too hard around their middles. Turns out it's Cordelia singing "The Greatest Love of All."

- Ace, "The Puppet Show"  

i dont have time to read all theze post but did u hear what happens in the finale? every vamp and demon that buffy has ever kiled is rezrected and they all sing at spike and angles WEDDING!!!! OMG!!! laterz Sep (Go on. Ban me. I dare you.)

Sep, in the forums  

Aw, Willow is wearing shorts and showing more Willow-leg than I believe we've ever seen. What a cutie. ... Giles finally pipes up that he's sorry he missed the encounter, but he actually sounds like he's sorry these damn kids won't leave him alone so he can pour himself a nice single-malt Scotch and watch that Letty The Lusty Librarian tape he has hidden in his nightstand. ... Dracula wears a sweater vest? Well, I guess that answers the age-old question: "What does Dracula wear under his cape?" Or was that Scotsmen? Who does he think he is anyway, Chandler Bing? ... I would like to point out that Spacky is wearing more eye makeup than the entire female cast combined.

Ace, "Buffy vs. Dracula"  

Credits. Who does James Marsters have to sleep with to be billed before Michelle Trachtenberg and Emma Caulfield? Ooh! Please let it be me. C'mon, if y'all give me James I won't ask for anything else for my birthday or Christmas. What? It worked when I was ten. ... Look! Xander is using a skill! Effectively! As he's building shelves for Giles, I notice that he's attired in jeans and a plain long-sleeved shirt. It looks like after his other half fell into the Gap, he managed to climb out with a basic grasp on the matching theory.

Sep, "Out of My Mind"  

I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I love the 'Bot; I really, really do. She's so cute and happy and chirpy and I just know reanimated Buffy is going to be an angst-y pained ball of angst just like she was all last season, and sometimes I wish we could just replace her with the robot permanently. Especially if she keeps making jokes about marzipan.

Ace, "Bargaining I"  

Damn, Marc Blucas makes James Marsters look like a tiny, tiny man. After last week's showcase it's sad, but also amusing, to see Spike reduced to an elfin laundry-stalker.

Sep, "Shadow"  

WARNING: Contents may have shifted during shipping. Oops, that's the wrong warning. The warning is this: This recap contains opinions.

Ace, "Tabula Rasa"  

Evil Dead eh? I'm just going to take that as a shout-out to me and my Evil Dead t-shirt that I ordered out of the Fangoria (shut up) catalog twelve years ago and have been wearing consistently ever since. David Fury must have seen me in it or something. ... Buffy notices Ben sitting somewhere else and goes over to talk to him. Oh GREAT. You know how, whenever there's an outbreak of some sort of nasty infectious disease, during the news reports they often retrace the path of the virus on a map? Well, that's what my mind is doing with Ben right about now. First I only had to live in fear during the hospital scenes. But then he leached into the hospital parking lot. And now that he's just showing up at the Bronze all willy-nilly, he could just ooze on down the road anywhere his little slime trail will take him. Curses. Greasy Intern Ben is spreading. I wonder what his vector of infection is?

Sep, "Crush"  

Tough Love - Or, "The Unedited Buffy You Never Wanted To See." Buffy routes paperwork. Buffy repairs an appliance. Buffy folds laundry. Buffy goes to a parent-teacher conference. Dawn does homework. Dawn does homework some more. Glory practices personal hygiene. The recapper props her eyelids open with spork tines. To spice things up a little, Giles goes all Ripper, Tara goes all Forrest Gump, and Willow goes all Fairuza Balk. The recapper falls asleep and drools on her cat.

Ace, "Tough Love" recaplet  

Spike stumbles, bloody, bruised, and wild-eyed, down the hall to the elevator, and if I weren't a fan of this show and were just flipping by I might think it was a clip from a Behind the Music on Billy Idol.

Sep, "Intervention"  

...Marci needs to find "the key."  ...Darcy or Shannon or whatever her name is  ...Sheila or Lisa or whoever 

Sep describing Glory before her name was revealed, "Family"  

...the guy, who I've decided to call Gee Dub McChoad for no reason whatsoever...

Sep describing Tara's brother, "Family"  

Willow screams, 'Noooooooo,' and a rippling force shoots out of her mouth and zaps Osiris, who vanishes. Oh, the heartbreak of halitosis!

Ace, "Villains"  

My roommate brought home a big pile of Marshmallow Peeps from a post-Easter sale. I took one look at them and screeched, "Peeps show!" before grabbing one, winging it into the microwave, and making "Bamp-chicka-bow-wow" noises while watching the Peep swell and undulate in the microwave. Try it. It's fun. Also, I have in my notes from the first airing of this episode, "Dawn no like monkey-brain marshmallows." I think I'll just leave that in. You'll either find it as amusing as I do or marvel at my illiteracy.

Sep, "Conversations With Dead People"  

Willow incants more at the effigy (who looks like she's ready for a doctor to check her tonsils) and then sends green energy blobs shooting out of her breasts towards Santa's Phallus. It's a lesbian thing -- you wouldn't understand.

Ace, "Grave"  

Cut to Xander chaining Spike up in the basement of Casa Summers. Dawn, Buffy, Wood, Giles, Willow, the UN Security council, three random passersby, and a small hedgehog are all in attendance. Okay, not really, but seriously. The number of people present for this is way unnecessary. Giles, Willow and Buffy will perform the spell. Xander, Dawn and Wood will distribute small snacks and throw Jujubes at Spike's head. ... Spike's mum tells him that he "needs a woman in [his] life." He replies that he does have a woman in his life. She is momentarily taken in, but then realizes that William has some really serious Oedipal issues. Victorian etiquette dictates that it would be in poor taste to mention this, so she pretends to be flattered. He promises to always look after her, but she has a coughing fit, hoping to die and escape her creepy son. Knowing that Spike's women-paragon obsession thing in which he defines himself and his moral center by the dominant female figure in his life started back when Spike was human, and has continued until the present day, really makes me realize how pathetic a creature he truly is. You'd think that after the first hundred years he might have self-actualized or something.

Sep, "Lies My Parents Told Me"  

Let me amend that. It's a long, thick, snake-like demon with a head shaped just like a penis, that squeals at Buffy and then sprays liquid out of its mouth and onto her. Just think about that for a minute.

Ace, "Doublemeat Palace"  

At the Pub the Chuckleheads are sitting around a table strewn with empty beer pitchers, randomly slapping and picking nits off of each other. One of them is trying to remove his shirt but gets his head stuck in it. I can sympathize with him. I've done that -- sober.

Sep, "Beer Bad"  

Rack is creepy. Then about ten more anvils crash into my room, followed by a minor deluge of cow pies as we launch into a trippy-druggy sequence the likes of which has not been seen since The Trip and Psych-Out.

Ace, "Wrecked"  

Willow is wearing what Ace called a poncho, but I think looks more like a tube with no armholes. If anyone remembers the commercial for the plastic device that enabled you to turn a crank and produce miles upon miles of useful and fashionable yarn tubing, well, it looks like that. Either that, or Willow took up knitting but hasn't figured out the secret to sleeves yet. Patrolling against vampires and other night-haunting demons with your arms bound to your sides by an acrylic strait-jacket doesn't seem like a wise move, but what do I know about fashion? Oh, that's right -- a lot more than Willow, obviously.

Sep, "Something Blue"  

Suddenly, my TV screen fills up with a bunch of monkeys, all dressed up in platform sandals, cunning frocks, feather boas, and mascara. They form a menacing circle around Dawn. I think they're all guy monkeys, but y'know, it's a little hard to tell with the simians.

Ace, "Potential"  

It's Cruella D'Will. Heh. That's why she flayed Warren last week. She's making a coat out of him. Man, how much cooler would this episode be if Willow pranced around singing, 'See my vest! See my vest! It was once Warren's chest!' ... This is a test of the Emergency Snorecast System. Everything operational.

Sep, "Two to Go"  

Sunny Valley, Arizona Ace, a beautiful, brainy, and brilliant recapper for TWoP, that world-famous website and recipient of three Nobel Prizes for Internet Criticism, piloted her pink bubble-shaped hovercraft to the landing strip on the roof of her lux penthouse apartment. Slim and clad entirely in her everyday garb of form-fitting leather, she headed quickly to her Operations Control room, stopping only to scratch the chin of her almost-sentient leopard, Francesca. "Follow me, little one," Ace purred to her feline companion, "for tonight we view a new Buffy!" In Operations Control, Ace flung her shapely form onto the low designer sofa and thumbed the remote to her wall-sized liquid television. As the episode progressed, Francesca began to pace the room in agitation, for she had never before seen her merry human companion in such distress. Ace's perfectly manicured nails caressed her flawless face as she murmured, "How will I recap an episode so sorely lacking in plot? An episode that consists mostly of Andrew's fantasies and stolen videotaped vignettes of the Scooby gang? Without a narrative structure to follow, at what point should I mention the disturbing basement sex of the un-reunited Xander and Anya, or the empty and unsatisfying riot occurring at Sunnydale High?" Finally, Ace knelt, and attractively wept into the silken tawny fur of Francesca, "I face my greatest challenge ever! Just as the tears of repentant Andrew closed the Seal of Danzig in the school basement forever, so do my hot tears of rage seal my unrepentant loathing of this season!" Los Angeles, CA The evil genius Jane Espenson cackled evilly as she polished her six-inch chrome stilettos and flipped her shiny titian hair. Whirling menacingly in her secret headquarters beneath Reseda, she flipped open her tiny red Mobicom and hit speed-dial. Upon hearing a voice on the other end of the line, Jane leered and snapped out, "Hello, Joss? I think we've broken Ace already. The tears are the beginning of the end. That'll teach her to complain about Andrew's poor grasp on reality!"

Ace, "Storyteller" recaplet  

The Knights are gonna get the Key, toniiiight! The Scoobies drive a big RV, toniiiight! This year, the minutes seemed like hours The arc progressed so slowly And still no end in siiiight!

Sep, "Spiral" recaplet  

Xander gets snide about what a "simple" decision this must be for Buffy and then leaps up, snarling, "You know, if there's a mass-murdering demon that you're, oh, say, boning, then it's all gray area." Hee -- go Xander! I'm not really taking sides in this argument because I think both Buffy and Xander are both right and wrong here, but I really think it needed to be said that Buffy totally put aside all her Slayer standards in order ride Spike's man-pole, and she's never really admitted that to or faced it as far as I can tell. She's mumbled about how it was bad for her, but never seemed to realize what a betrayal of her calling it was. Buffy wins The Lame Comeback Of The Century Award when her only reply is that Spike is "harmless." Harmless except for the whole part where he could and did harm you, Buffy. Nice self-preservation instincts there, honey. Let's kill Anya because she could hurt men. Let's not kill Spike because he can only hurt Buffy. Uh, where was I?

Ace, "Selfless"  

This whole Spike with Buffy thing? My fault. When Angel was on the show, I hated every second of him and his dazed "you can tell I have a soul because I look like I just walked into a tree" method of acting. (Angelus was a different story. A cooler story that didn't spend so much time whining and moping.) Then, when he left, it was like light pouring in through the heavens. I was excited. Happy. I had a new lease on life. I thought, "No matter what, Buffy's next boyfriend won't be so bad." Enter Riley. Riley with his potato nose, thinly-veiled chauvinism, and women issues. And so it was, until it came to pass that Riley endeth. And lo! Happiness reigned far and wide across the land (defined as my apartment), there was much rejoicing, and it was good. Again, I foolishly allowed myself to be confident that this had been the worst. Surely Buffy's next boyfriend...

Sep, "Two to Go"  

ASH is really giving a killer performance here. I wonder how many takes it took for him to stop laughing. His singing sounds very soulful and I'm convinced it's his own voice, just very badly synched. Maybe the sound crew had to work overtime on all the Buffy/Riley moaning and ran out of time for the important things. Bad prioritization, guys. For a whole week following this episode, my poor cat is tortured by me following her around the house and bellowing, "No ooooone knows what it's liiiiike/Toooooo be the baaaad cat/Tooooo be the saaaad cat/Behind blue eeeeeyeees." I swear, one of these days she's going to lose her patience, pack her little kitty suitcase and leave. Well, at least I don't make her watch The Others with me anymore.

Ace, "Where the Wild Things Are"  

Luke is chanting, "The Sleeper will wake and the world will bleed. Amen!" Because vampires are such religious creatures. Don't you remember that one heartwarming episode they had when they showed them all going to church? Sure, they wanted to eat the rest of the congregation, but as long as they're worshipping in Glen Oak with the Camdens I really don't have a problem with that.

Sep, "Welcome to the Hellmouth"  

D'Hoffryn introduced himself, and Aud replies, "I am Aud." Hee. That's a funny pun. You know that saying that goes, "Puns are the lowest form of humor"? That always confused me. I mean, I wondered who decided that, and what the highest form of humor was, and why the phrase always seemed to be uttered only by the very humorless, who wouldn't seem qualified to judge. Anyway, this is 2002, and the saying is obviously obsolete. It comes from an older era. An era before the fart joke. Fart jokes are quite clearly the lowest form of humor, and I suggest that we petition the correct powers that be to have the saying updated for modern times. ["The lowest, and yet consistently the most reliable. Hee. Farts." -- Sars]

Ace, "Selfless"  

Willow and Buffy walk up the steps to school, and Xander catches up with them. I'm sorry that I can't recap their conversation, but I'm sure you'll understand once I tell you about Xander's red and moldy green-gray sweater paired with brown and yellow plaid pants. As if that combination wasn't horrific enough on its own, Willow is wearing an orange and yellow striped fleece shirt. It's at times like this that I wish I were blind -- just like the wardrobe people.

Sep, "Passion"  

Ace: "I don't know why Buffy was all surprised when Spike tried to kiss her. That's what you do at the end of a date and drinking, dinner, and pool all add up to a date." Sep: "It totally was a date. My last date ended exactly the same way. Someone threw a wad of cash at someone else, the words, 'You're beneath me' were uttered, and one of us was left crying alone in an alley." Ace: "You've got to be kidding me." Sep: "Actually I am. My last date ended with me threatening my beau with a spork."

Ace and Sep, "Fool for Love"