#and stare blankly at the wall

[valdeswan]

Choi Han: They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach.

Choi Han: But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

noble that tried to flirt with Cale: *on the verge of tears*

[gilliontidestriderchampionoftheu]

the inner machinations of his mind are an enigma

[winged-bat]

cass & the phantom of steph

[pr0cyon-lotor]

I want to talk about jiuyuan but I have no brainrot

It's happened. I'm hyperfixating but the tank is empty. Chat, I'm cooked

[wanderershu]

Just remembered how prior to finding out the real truth, Alver had thought that even if it was someone else in Cale Henituse's body, he didn't care because he liked and cherished the current Cale, whomever he may be and now I suddenly feel unwell.

"If the body possession part was true, then it would be very sad for Duke Henituse's household but not for Alver. It might seem cold, but those were Alver's honest thoughts."

-Lout of the Count's Family, Chapter 475

[paper-lilypie]

started watching HBO’s Chernobyl

jesus fucking christ almighty

[rusquared]

huh. han sooyoung as a child had to survive her own ruined world alone. huh.

[ethan-acfan]

Connor is an emotional drunk AND I CAN BACK THIS UP

So connor is already a pretty loving guy (if you've seen what he's like during the homestead missions or when he was younger, it's adorable), but as he got older, he had to repress a lot of those emotions and become the stoic, unmoving, cold guy we see for most of the game (joining a war at 16 does that). So when he gets drunk, he's less focused on reeling in those emotions, and he 100% is extremely emotional, like ugly crying on the side of the road cuz he saw a stray cat, emotional, and I absolutely love him for that.

Oh, but if he's tipsy, then he just zones out a lot. Because he knows he's an emotional drunk so he ends up overcompensating in an attempt to hide that side of him, and it quickly just devolves into him blankly, staring at the wall for like an hour. But if you get him talking long enough, he will get emotional before he remembers he's supposed to be cold, and then he blocks himself off again.

[supjello]

just finished the Mauritius Command and…. Clonfert….

[vickyvicarious]

Last night the Count asked me in the suavest tones to write three letters, one saying that my work here was nearly done, and that I should start for home within a few days, another that I was starting on the next morning from the time of the letter, and the third that I had left the castle and arrived at Bistritz. I would fain have rebelled, but felt that in the present state of things it would be madness to quarrel openly with the Count whilst I am so absolutely in his power; and to refuse would be to excite his suspicion and to arouse his anger. He knows that I know too much, and that I must not live, lest I be dangerous to him; my only chance is to prolong my opportunities. Something may occur which will give me a chance to escape. I saw in his eyes something of that gathering wrath which was manifest when he hurled that fair woman from him. He explained to me that posts were few and uncertain, and that my writing now would ensure ease of mind to my friends; and he assured me with so much impressiveness that he would countermand the later letters, which would be held over at Bistritz until due time in case chance would admit of my prolonging my stay, that to oppose him would have been to create new suspicion. I therefore pretended to fall in with his views, and asked him what dates I should put on the letters.

Not to quote almost the entire entry at y'all, but... Last night, the Count asked this. So the evening of the same day that Jonathan viewed the broken doorframe and found absolute proof that his fears are indeed true, that his sanity is intact and the nightmare is real.

I made a somewhat premature post yesterday talking about how it was sad that Jonathan's words about "acting accordingly" with this confirmation are disproven or at least made very sad by the long gap following this entry. That it proves he can't think of any safe actions to take in the face of this increased threat, that he hardly even tries out of fear of making things even worse, and so his only possible action is to wait. But I'd somehow forgotten this entry happened immediately after, and it makes the buildup to that decision even worse.

First and most obviously, in that it gives Jonathan a definite timeline. (Well, as definite as can be, if you subscribe to him losing track of time - that would make things even worse for him.) On the one hand, he can presume that hopefully he will live that long, but on the other he's almost guaranteed not to live beyond that time, at least if circumstances don't change.

But also... last night. Jonathan didn't even get a single day to consider a new plan of action before he was forced into another tense moment of having to decide 'play along or not'. And he hesitates this time! This newest demand is so blatant and so huge that Jonathan almost breaks! This is apparent both in the "I would fain have rebelled..." line but also in the line following Jonathan's justifications for not rebelling in the end. I've bolded it above. Dracula starts to get angry.

Dracula started out this conversation in his "suavest tones." He usually gets extra charming when trying to get Jonathan to agree to some new restriction, so that's nothing new. And usually Jonathan plays it smart and goes along with it. He did now too, in the end. But he hesitated this time, probably wrestling back his fear and outrage long enough to think through all the reasons he gives above not to speak up. He waits long enough that Dracula starts to get mad. He knows Jonathan knows, and knows Jonathan knows he knows. That's been true since the beginning, and usually the layers of fear and knowledge are fun for Dracula to the point that he seems to savor them. But this time he saw that he had almost pushed too far too soon. He saw Jonathan teetering on the edge of ruining everything, of admitting the truth and forcing an end to this delicious anticipatory game, and he started to get pissed off about it. Sure, he carried on through the conversation, kept assuring "with much impressiveness" but the fact that he had to annoyed him greatly. He knows Jonathan knows, which means that Jonathan should know better. The whole fun is that he does know better usually. Dracula doesn't want this to end, was very firm just a couple days ago that he isn't done with his Jonathan yet; if Jonathan were to say "no" to him that would end it, and he would immediately take out his anger and frustration on him. (Dracula voice: "no one takes my Jonathan time away from me. I'd kill anyone who tried, even Jonathan himself!")

Jonathan is able to read the signs appropriately; and honestly, I think that he very definitively saves his life by agreeing. I think that if he had refused to write the letters, or even resisted a bit longer, he would have been a goner. I think that he is well aware of that too.

Dracula's violence threatened to turn on him today, more so than ever before. Immediately after Jonathan confirmed the Count is his only safety from the vampire ladies threatening him elsewhere in the castle, it almost ceased to matter as he nearly failed to adapt fast enough to avoid this threat. And then he has to salvage the situation, and he does, but the risk is so huge. The sense of barely-averted danger (death) so strong.

If Jonathan were in a different headspace, if he'd been given more time to prepare, maybe he would be able to sneak in some kind of cry for help into his letters. Sure, they're not going to be posted until the relevant dates so it might not matter anyway, but it would be worth a try and I think he would try. But right now? I'm not sure that he would have the ability to think clearly enough, filled with panicked adrenaline and fear as he must be. And Jonathan doesn't mention it, but I feel it quite likely that Dracula would insist on him writing the letters right then, under his watchful eye. Jonathan might be too afraid to push his luck enough to even try anything beyond using a different tone than usual (short, to the point, just what Dracula wants but nothing more).

And again, this is all right on the heels of confirming that he isn't safe anywhere here, not even when Dracula is gone. The Count is in fact keeping him safe from greater dangers. His enemies have quadrupled in number (at least, who knows if there are even more monsters here). They all have a variety of supernatural abilities he doesn't know how to counter. They want to drink his blood. He hasn't really had time to process any of this.

If he isn't safe when alone (except partially during daylight), then he can't explore freely. If they can move through windows and break doors, their strength and magical abilities mean he can't barricade himself away from them anywhere. If he displeases Dracula then he is lost. If he acts out he will displease Dracula. Even if he isn't setting his sights as high as escaping anymore, even if he only wants to learn more to record in his diary. Right now, Jonathan is having trouble thinking of a way to even do that much safely. As far as he can see, there's nothing he can do but wait for some kind of opportunity.

And he can only wait so long. He now knows the span of his life.

[earthmixsclowderofcats]

I am once again. Thinking. Of the one armed lift.

[rainbow-femme]

Advice for handling deep depression that did not help from various therapists who admitted they personally never had depression before:Keep your shoes by the door so you don’t have an excuse not to go for a walk, put smiley face stickers everywhere in your home and make yourself smile when you see them, ask yourself when you’re not doing things because of depression if this is the kind of person you want to be

Advice for handling deep depression that did help from a college professor who spent his college years deeply depressed: “Yeah I mostly handled it by spending any time I wasn’t in class smoking weed and listening to the two same classical music records on repeat”

Sometimes you can’t start with “ignore your symptoms and do it anyway”, you gotta start with “if you’re going to lay on your bed staring blankly at the ceiling for hours, put on something you usually like so at least you’ve got that going and it will keep you a little bit more sane”

[beachboysnatural]

I was typing out a post about how the episode 15 thirty-minute breakup is going to be because Sun-jae finally remembers everything but then I realized that if Sun-jae remembered everything he would probably faint and then go buy a ring to propose marriage

[fisheito]

@halfetirosie @fallencelsetial Reply that makes me cheerfully repeat it outloud . then Reply that makes me instantly drop my smile

[draculagerard]

Uhm. Real not clickbait. I missed seeing Misha Collins by a few feet. Like a one minute walk.

[josephtrohman]

:(