#and soul---- there's no way international fans are forgiving him easily

[nenasspot]

is everyone ready for the coldest take in kpop right now?

....the fantasy boys final line-up is doomed

[arhvste]

❝ kuroo tetsurō - rate-a-child ❞

in which kuroo takes a more refined but catty approach towards having his say on your daughters ex boyfriend leaving her in tears

an - sorry this took so long to get out, this went hand in hand with the hcs i did that’s why it’s a little late seeing as i changed the concepts for oo of yesterday’s work !!

tetsu week masterlist

“i’ll kill him.”

“you’ll do nothing of a sort.”

“i meant with kindness.”

“kindness my ass, the look on your face says it all!”

you were currently in a hissing match between yourself and your husband as you stood outside the bedroom door of your 16 year olds daughter who was currently curled up under her sheets which were damp with tears.

the catalyst to the situation was when your daughter first slipped in through the front door and failed to greet yourself and her father as usual. you hadn’t missed this as you poked your head out of the living room only to see a pair of legs stagger up the stairs without much care placed in each step.

“tetsurō, is she okay?” you whispered nodding towards the door your daughter had just entered through from school.

“i couldn’t tell you, she didn’t look in my direction.” kuroo raised an eyebrow as he looked up from his laptop screen briefly towards the hall.

“i think i’ll go and see.” you muttered as you dropped your phone onto the couch and headed towards the staircase.

“i’ll come.” kuroo got up ready to stand only to halt when you shot him a piercing look.

“this is mother-daughter time i think.”

“aw don’t be like that! why can’t i be included and see what’s wrong with my little girl?”

you rolled your eyes and shook your head.

“because i don’t think she likes how you baby her so much. she’s independent tetsu, we have to accept it. just let me talk to her first and you can come up in a few minutes okay?”

“guess you’re gonna have to take her amounts of babying in her place then.” he pouted to which you let out an airy before heading upstairs to your daughters room.

you knocked and waited for the signal to come in but it never came. you tried again and still no reply. pressing your ear to the door you heard soft sobs coming from inside as your heart rate sped up.

“i’m coming in” you quietly warned before gently opening the door, your daughters saddened form right before your eyes.

“oh!” you rushed over to her side and pulled her weak state into your arms as you sat on the side of her bed.

“baby what’s wrong?” you cooed stroking the hair stuck to her face as a result of wet tears dripping down her face.

“-he -he dumped me.” she hiccuped as more tears dropped down her face.

you frowned silently to yourself as you racked your brain for an appropriate response.

kuroo had been your first and only boyfriend so you had never been broken up with before so you couldn’t understand the pain she must’ve been feeling. for now, rocking her back and fourth and calming the crying seemed like the best option until you could think of how to approach it without looking too aimless.

as if the heavens had opened their gates specifically for you to grant any wish you so much desired, your husband entered your field of vision in the doorway as his eyes softened at the two of you.

“so much for mother-daughter time.” you tutted and kuroo softly smiled before approaching the two of you.

“i know you’re relieved i’m here, it’s written all over that pretty face of yours.” he replied he took a seat on the other side of your daughter.

“can you not flirt while in front of me whike i’m going through my first teenage heartbreak!” you daughter snapped as kuroos eyes widened.

“heartbreak?” you sent a pleading look his way as if to beg for him to say something to attempt damage control.

“o-oh i mean, heartbreak yes. well, i’m just waiting on you to confirm it was that ugly boyfriend of yours who did it so i can take matters into my own hands.”

you glared at your husband who now had a small fire ignited in his eyes.

“it was. -but please don’t say anything! i don’t want this to be a thing!” you daughter tugged at your husbands arm pleading him to keep this to himself.

“no can do. princess, you’re crying. i never want to see you cry especially over some boy who’s league you were well above anyway!” he scoffed as he got up to leave.

“don’t worry pretty one, dads gonna get him back for ya!”

“tetsu don’t-”

and with that he shut the door behind him, leaving you to scramble to your feet offering an apologetic look to your daughter to which she dryly laughed and waved off her fathers antics. you hastily dashed out the room to grab kuroos hand before he could get any further down the hall which was where you were presently questioning your husbands motives.

“y/n, let me go please.” he whined as you held his arm tighter.

“and if i do then what?” you pressed, raising an eyebrow at him.

“then i’ll get revenge for our little girl.”

“then i’m not letting you go.” you quipped back frowning at him.

“makes no difference to me.” he sighed using his other arm to scoop you up easily off of your feet and out of shock you let him go.

“tetsurō! let me go! i want no part in this!” you hissed as your husband carried you down the stairs and into his home office.

“why are we in here?” you quietened down once he placed you on the plush black couch in his work space.

“you didn’t seriously think i was going to actually show up at his house or something did you?” he grinned as he sat upon his desk chair to fire up his desktop.

“yes.” you honestly muttered, raising an eyebrow towards him.

he cackled and shook his head before motioning for you to come over to which you found yourself obliging to.

“look, i’m not gonna be too embarrassing speaking for her but i think you’re gonna want a say in this eventually.” he explained as your confused face only stuck as you watched him open his emails.

he typed in the email address of your daughters ex boyfriends parents. you knew you had their contact details as they had requested your husband help them get their son into the sport industry to which kuroo very reluctantly agreed to, only because you insisted.

kuroo was never a fan of the boy. he knew from the first time he met him that he would cause trouble and as much as he’d like to have his ‘told you so’ moment, he knew that it could wait. he’d prove his point another way instead.

‘dear mr and mrs whatever your last names were, i’ve forgotten it already,’

you flicked him on the arm for that but something told you to let him continue as you silently fed off of the pettiness yourself.

‘it’s come to my attention my suspicions about your ‘boy’ were right. he is in fact a trouble maker and i should’ve prevented him from getting involved with us from the very start when i first had a hunch.’

kuroo typed with such precision and passion. you had never seen him so into an email before and you weren’t sure whether you should’ve been concerned or not.

‘i first had an idea of what sort of person your son was when my daughter for some reason brought him over for dinner. his manners? comparable to a farm animal. who eats with their mouth open?’

humming as he typed, kuroo mentally listed all the time he didn’t like the boy which wasn’t exactly hard since you knew he had disliked him from the very start and while right now your daughter might’ve been upset and distraught, he was silently happy that he was finally out of the picture.

‘another thing i find closely similar to a farm animal in him is his hair. i don’t particularly understand why you allow him to leave the house looking such a state, but you’re certainly not doing him any favours by doing so.’

you snorted reading this one as kuroo glanced up at you.

“i think that’s a bit rich coming from you.” you hummed as your husband snickered.

“my hair and his hair are two very different situations. mine is unintentional and you love it. his... well, his is just straight up ugly and he intentionally styles it that way.” kuroo replied before turning back down to face the screen.

‘i remember the first time i enquired your son about his very ‘unique’ hairstyle and he scoffed in my face and told me it’s what was currently ‘trendy’. forgive me if i’m wrong, but a trend is a pattern multiple people follow and make normalised no? i haven’t seen another soul wander around with the same bizarre mop on their head as your son, perhaps a dictionary is in order to be purchased for your son so he can educate himself on what a ‘trend’ really is, because no sane being would follow along with his atrocious aesthetic.’

your eyes danced over the screen as kuroo typed it up so flawlessly, it was as if he had revised everything he’d been wanting to say for months which in all honesty, wouldn’t shock you considering how vocal he was speaking against your daughters then boyfriend.

‘so not only is your son lacking in the aesthetics department but also the personality. i’m not quite sure why he thinks his rude tone is normal, but it’s not. why does he act like owns the place whenever he visits my house. i hate to make assumptions, but your boy isn’t bringing any income to the table is he? so tell me why he acts like he does whenever he comes over.’

the irritation deepened on kuroos face as he recalled all the times the boy would come over and treat the house like his own. his shoes muddy and left in the middle of the hallway, his feet always propped up on the coffee table centred in the living room by the couches, no greeting or acknowledgment when he’d come in, he’d simply come in and head straight upstairs to your daughters room. kuroo was agitated each and every time but held his growing aggravation together at the insistence from you that your daughter would come to her senses soon enough and dump him. the outcome is technically what yourself and kuroo had wanted, although, the two of you were confused as to why your daughter was crying over someone so inferior. nevertheless, you were both internally relieved it was all over now.

‘while i know your son is still growing up and such, i do think 16 years old is a little concerning for him to not know manners. this is exactly why i was reluctant to help him into getting into the professional sports industry. both yourselves and your son were demanding of my assistance however, let it be known msby weren’t fans of your son and his awful mannerisms in the slightest so i wouldn’t prepare myself to cheer him on at their stadium anytime soon so hold your breaths.’

kuroo recalled the few times he brought the wretched boy to work with him only to suffer at the hands of secondhand embarrassment. he was rude and obnoxious towards the staff and had provoked several of the players leaving kuroo to apologise in his place and guide him as far away from the pros as possible.

‘i’m glad myself and my family are finally able to wash our hands with him. i didn’t like him and my wife wasn’t too keen either. teach him to do better than this. while i’m bothered by my own daughters current state of upset, i know her tears will dry quickly once she realises what a waste of time this all was. i don’t want a reply, i want an improvement from your son. don’t let him treat his next girlfriend (if he’s lucky enough to get one) the way he treated my daughter and i think basic manner instructions and examples are required for him to start an improvement.’

your arms draped over kuroos shoulders as he gunned finishing his email.

‘my daughter will move on quickly from this, i have no doubt in that, but teach your son what it means to be a responsible man and reshape the strange looking piece of clay of a child you’ve moulded him into. there’s still hope (if you’re optimistic). overall, i’m rating your child 2/5 stars. he was reliable but that’s the only good thing he had going for him. take my constructive criticism and work on improvements for the future! yours sincerely, kuroo tetsurō’

with a slighter harder press on the final letter of the email, kuroo clicked a few options on the email and wasted no time in hitting the ‘send’ button before exhaling.

“that was... something.” you muttered as kuroo turned to face you on the office chair.

he laughed softly before pulling you onto his lap and leaning in. his hot breath ticking the back of your neck as he spoke.

“i think this is going to shake them more than a visit to their house won’t it? i’m sure an email is the last thing they’re expecting.”

you leaned back into his chest as his arms wrapped around your waist as he pressed soft kisses to the back of your neck.

“i hope one day, she finds someone who’ll love her the way you love me.” you sighed, eyes fluttering shut.

“i know she will, she has your good looks and my sharp wit, i don’t have a single doubt she’ll find someone as good as her over time.” kuroo murmered his kisses ceasing for a moment.

the two of you sat there in contentment for just a moment before you pulled yourself from his grip and stood before him offering your hand.

“boys can wait, the only boy she needs in her life right now is sat right before me and i think she needs him to come and comfort her with me for now.” you softly smiled as kuroo smirked.

“so, i finally get an invitation to mother and daughter time?” he leaned further back in his chair, sharp features only more defining.

“looks like it.” you confirmed as kuroo reached for your hand.

“then, i gladly accept.” his calloused hand took in your own as you tugged him off the dark leather office chair.

you and kuroo had no doubt your daughter would pick herself up on her own over time. that didn’t mean you wouldn’t slyly defend her behind the scenes though because while kuroo loved the idea of his daughter staying his little girl forever, he knew better than to tug at her independence.

nevertheless, your little girl or not, yourself and kuroo would go to all ends to make her happy and if that meant to send a petty email, the so be it. yourself and kuroo would gladly sit at your screens for hours and type up as many needed if it meant to make your daughter happy.

there wasn’t really anything kuroo wouldn’t do for his family and you loved that about him. always taking the higher ground and solving issues in sometimes questionable but logical ways was kuroos method at tackling things. youd question his motives but he’d always come through in the other end. perhaps you’d have to trust your husband from the start of these situations a little more in the future.

dt - @aislastetsu

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ALL CONTENT BELONGS TO @KUROOSKULT ON TUMBLR 2020 PLEASE DO NOT REPOST, CHANGE OR PLAGIARISE

[mira--mira]

Hi! I was wondering

How do you think Hashirama and Madara would be in a Road to Ninja version?

I remember once reading a Hashimada fic (which I never finished RIP) that was about Madara appearing in the RTN universe and the 3 things that stucked with me were:

1.- Madara was the first Hokage (something that Madara thought was horrible when he saw his sculpted face on the Hokage mountain 🤣)

And personally I think that it would not have been like that even in the RTN universe because we didn't see his face along with the other faces of Hokages in the movie (Yeah, apparently I'm basing myself on a movie which I'm not even sure if it's canon or not, even though Kishimoto wrote it) and the RTN characters didn't seem to even know who Madara is.

2.- Hashirama having his bowlcut as an adult

And I agree with the Madara from that fanfic, it looks awful on him. Hashirama, babe, I'm sorry but the only ones who can rock that style are Guy Sensei and Rock Lee, I know you just were trying to be cool but it doesn't suite you.

3.- Tobirama was a porn writer

Instead of being a fan of forbidden jutsu and creating justus, he wrote porn novels a la Jiraiya. And I'll hold that headcanon with my dead hands.

The only other fanfic that places the founders in the RTN universe is one where the protagonist is Mito (it's an interesting one-shot that pairs her with Itama 🤔)

She was kind of a shy person 🤔? And so it was Tobirama 🤣 which I found fun.

Hashirama, as the first fanfic I mentioned, was the Tobirama of the place (saddenly Madara wasn't in this fic).

So I would like to know what are your versions of the founders (or only Hashirama and Madara if it is too much) in the RTN universe! And how do you think things would be

Hmm, RTN is an interesting concept to me but, to be honest, I don't think Konoha would exist if a lot of personalities got flipped 😂 I haven't read any RTN fics with the founders, but if you, or anyone else, have links at hand I'd love to check them out 👀

1. Madara

Here's the big one and the crux of why I don't think the village would exist. Typically I characterize Madara as an extremely responsible man who internalizes things when he shouldn't, takes himself way too seriously, is aggressive and abrasive even to people he loves sometimes, but genuinely loves the people closest too him. Reversing this would make a character that slacks off, takes no responsibility, and is completely passive in life and has fleeting attachments to others around him. Assuming he wouldn't die on the battlefield, I could see the RTN "alternate" personality coming about of Madara's being so overpowered and competent that he loses interest and distances himself from things before he can get attached and lose them.

It makes building a village very hard though. (At first I was tempted to go RTN Sasuke route and maybe RTN!Madara is a little more openly flirty than canon!Madara, but the passivity and refusal to take responsibility would be the "core" qualities for me.)

2. Hashirama

Hashirama is a bit weird because he has a lot of surface-level "conflicting" traits in canon. He is optimistic but he pushes beyond his natural attitude and uses it as a mask to hide instead of addressing his feelings. He's mischievous, likes jokes and games, and can be a bit hedonistic with his pleasure but can equally be serious when necessary and will willingly sacrifice for others around him. And simultaneously, Hashirama and Madara are connected by a shared sense of idealism but also anger. Hashirama is a very kind, but extremely angry, man. I think a RTN!Hashirama would share a kind of apathy of RTN!Madara but instead of passivity his lack of anger would manifest as cruelty. Because canon!Hashirama is angry but his anger is usually a righteous kind. I don't think RTN!Hashirama would go out of his way to be cruel, but he doesn't have the empathy of canon!Hashirama, especially to others' suffering. He enjoys fighting just a bit too much and has no qualms about killing. In his mind, he should always come first in any situation and prioritizing (or even considering) others' is effort and him going out of his way to be "nice" and the other should be thankful. Similarly if he feels any negative emotion, he won't bottle it up and swallow it down, he'll immediately address it, usually confrontationally. RTN!Hashirama is as intelligent as his canon counterpart but he doesn't suffer fools and he hates it when people underestimate him. He's pretty proud and vain, tbh.

I really don't think the above would make him the "Tobirama" of RTN verse. To me Hashirama and Tobirama have different core values and perspectives and inverting Hashirama's doesn't make it become Tobirama's, if that makes sense. This one is also wordy bc I immediately knew how RTN!Madara would be RTN!Hashirama is a bit harder to pin down. But I hope it's clear why I have doubts about the village existing...maybe if RTN!Hashirama got it in his mind as a pet project for the hell of it, that he'd be a better leader for the country and not just the Senju alone, and RTN!Madara liked the idea of no responsibility and being able to detach even further than he already was? But that's still kind of grasping for a reason.

3. Hashimada

Equally I think any Hashirama/Madara relationship would be ehhh. They definitely wouldn't have the overwhelming bond of their canon counterparts, and it could be a relationship ripe for unhappiness. The closest I can think of to making the ship work is RTN!Madara would be drawn to Hashirama's absurd level of self-confidence and able to let the casual cruelty slide off instead of getting worked up about it. In a way RTN!Hashirama is stable and predictable. If he's pretty overpowered, there's less of a chance RTN!Madara would lose him, so their relationship isn't deep but it's more or less dependable and Madara knows exactly what he's going to get. In contrast RTN!Hashirama has an audience in the form of RTN!Madara and a partner that's not going to push back against his ideas. RTN!Madara doesn't ask for much and he doesn't complain when RTN!Hashirama puts himself first. He doesn't want, or might not be capable of, the deep emotional bond their canon counterparts have. RTN!Madara wouldn't leave Konoha (if it existed) in the AU, because he doesn't really care. If someone upset RTN!Hashirama and he decided to leave to 'do it right' RTN!Madara would probably follow, maybe out of some loyalty for RTN!Hashirama but mostly because it's what's easiest.

4. Tobirama

The core of Tobirama's character to me is prioritizing logic over emotion and both a conscious and unconscious failure to realize he can't completely eliminate emotion. Tobirama loves his brother, he's curious and has a desire to find out what makes things work and is willing to bend morality to get results if it'll serve a greater good. He's very aware of the unfairness of the world but believes it's an unspoken truth of humanity and can only be mitigated through logical means, but never completely erased. He'll be the sacrificial lamb, the one that works in shadows so his brother can have his utopian dream. Despite everything, he loves his genin, the strongest bonds he has aside from Hashirama, and does try to instill in them lessons he think will help them and lead to peace and stability in the village. He's still influenced by the prejudices of his time and can never find it in him to truly forgive the Uchiha.

A RTN!Tobirama would be a man ruled by emotion. Him writing erotica all day definitely could be one way this manifests lol. But overall he's sensitive and spiritual and can't stand the idea of killing. He and RTN!Hashirama don't get along and he actively tries to avoid his brother. RTN!Tobirama has equally strong principles as canon!Tobirama, but they're pacifist in nature and while he likes his studies, he prefers to be out talking to people and learning from them first hand. He's very naive and can be easily taken advantage of and he has trouble focusing on any one thing for too long. No matter how many times this happens, he never can harden his heart or be overly suspicious of others. RTN!Tobirama would most likely be the one support peace in this AU. He embraces the Uchiha and all the Senjus past enemies with open arms, almost to a foolish degree. It'd be a bad idea if he became hokage in this AU because he's a terrible negotiator and has a bad people-pleasing streak and struggles with long-term tactics. With the exception of RTN!Hashirama, who he considers an aberration who doesn't have a soul, humans at their core all have good intentions at heart.

5. Mito

I characterize Mito as a very level-headed woman. Her marriage to Hashirama is political in nature but they grow to be good friends and she never expected to fall in love and she's glad Hashirama didn't want a traditional wife. Mito is devoted to her community work (she works hands-on with people in the village), she seeks out connections with others and, despite the distance, remains close with her family in Uzushio, constantly writing them letters. She's spiritual and follows the Uzumakis' beliefs (not gonna list this OoT spoiler lol) and studies fuinjutsu in her spare time, something she's done since she was a child. She is willing to sacrifice if it meant protecting something she considered greater than herself, much to her own personal detriment. She loves and is proud of her children and grandchildren, but if she had a choice, she would have chosen to remain childless, she finds her true calling elsewhere.

RTN!Mito, similarly to RTN!Tobirama, is ruled by emotions. She dreams of one day making a good marriage for herself and centers romance and being a mother as her ideal life, but she's extremely picky when it comes picking the perfect husband. RTN!Mito knows how much she's worth and she refuses to settle and will not even entertain the idea of an arranged marriage. She has a hard time forming long-lasting, deep bonds with other people and views starting her own family as the solution to this problem. At times she can be a bit absent-minded and unintentionally selfish, but she's not actively malicious. She blusters a lot and depending on the situation can come off as cold and uncaring, but it's only to hide the depth of her true feelings and loneliness. In this AU she would absolutely refuse to marriage RTN!Hashirama. Nothing on hell or earth, could make her change her mind.

Mito is such a blank-slate character it feels like writing an oc more than a canon character, tbh. And this is something I don't see brought up a lot but a "heart full of love" to combat the kyuubi's hatred to me has never been exclusive to romantic or familial (to children) love. *cough* I want a complex female character who's not vilified for not wanting to have children and/or regretting having them *cough* Mito's "love" was for the people of Konoha and Uzushio. My personal headcanon regarding her and Hashirama's child (I don't think she had more than one) was that she was dedicated to her son, but quickly realized being a mother wasn't her dream or something she even actively liked. The kid was well-cared for and she was dutiful towards him, but Hashirama was the parent that loved and embraced him with his whole heart and it led to some tension between Mito and her son as the kid could tell the difference and neither of them were "wrong" to feel the way they did. This is why Tsunade was shown with Hashirama instead of Mito, he was a lot more present in her life when she was young (instead of Kishi just not having made Mito as a character yet). But after Hashirama and Tsunade's dad died (and then Nawaki), she and Mito grew close but it was definitely more of a friendship or student/mentor relationship rather than a traditional grandmother/granddaughter relationship but both were satisfied with it and loved eachother. Likewise I didn't want RTN!Mito's characterization to be shallow and hit misogynistic undertones with her being an "opposite" to Mito's calm, level-headed, focused on her work/passions characterization.

6. Closing thoughts

#1: Wow this got long #2: I feel conflicted about RTN because it seemed to flip surface-level characteristics instead of deep characterizations, and ignored flaws altogether. The ones above, esp. Hashirama and Madara's, are kind of dark in a way? But that's the only way it makes sense to me...Gai and Lee caring about style and being stylish is a funny joke but if you were to actually poke and prod and say their personalities were inverted, neither of them would be top-notch ninja as we know...unless I'm just completely misremembering RTN because I realize it's been years since I saw it lol. Anyway, hope this was entertaining!

[robininthelabyrinth]

Fire and Light (ao3) - on tumblr: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8

- Chapter 9 -

Wen Ruohan presided over dinner in what was now a monthly occurrence.

He liked habit more, now that he was getting older; liked to have everything in its proper place.

Liked to indulge himself more.

Nie Mingjue mechanically forced down his food, drinking his soup first to fill his belly as quickly as possible. If he was very lucky, he might get a case of food poisoning, same as the one that had struck down the younger children that one time; if he did, he’d do his utmost to throw up all over Wen Ruohan’s shoes.

As always, they answered his questions. Wen Ruohan was just in the middle of an especially complicated hypothetical when one of his deputies rushed in with an urgent letter, falling to his knees before him. Wen Ruohan took the letter and read it; he scowled and dismissed them, rising to his feet to return to the throne room.

The reprieve felt like a brush of cool wind on a hot day.

Nie Mingjue caught Wen Xu’s eye.

Wen Xu winked.

-

It wasn’t really a surprise when the war started.

There were only so many hypothetical battle plans Nie Mingjue could be asked about, whether by Wen Ruohan or by Nie Huaisang and the younger generation of Wens, without him putting two and two together. He was put in the awkward situation of having to answer both sides to the best of his ability, and the whole thing started to feel a little like playing a game of go against himself.

“That’s what you get for being irritatingly good at tactics and with a knack for strategy, and having proven for years and years that you could find weaknesses in all of Sect Leader Wen’s hypothetical battleplans,” Nie Huaisang told him. “Talent brings with it its own punishment.”

“What’s your punishment for all your scheming, then?” Nie Mingjue asked, amused despite himself. “Becoming emperor and ruling the world?”

“I,” Nie Huaisang said, putting his hand to his chest, “am going to grow up to be absolutely useless.”

“Nice try.”

To Nie Mingjue’s relief, Wen Ruohan did not send him to the front line, perhaps afraid that Nie Mingjue would attempt some sabotage or maybe merely run away, and that made it more difficult for him to implement the plans Nie Mingjue suggested to him. They were good, solid plans, each and every one of them, Nie Mingjue implementing everything he learned about the rules of war and adding in a touch of his own knack for forecasting how people would react in a fight, but living so long in Qishan meant that he knew a little bit about how people behaved the rest of the time, too.

He couldn’t make bad suggestions in the plans he recommended or Wen Ruohan would know, but he could propose a plan that required a will of iron and nerves of steel when he knew that the general in charge of that particular division was crafty but cautious, could suggest a complex maneuver requiring cooperation for a general who hated his underlings, could apply just a bit of the brattiness he’d picked up from Wen Chao and Nie Huaisang alike to make his plans just that little bit more annoying to implement.

He could murmur counterplans in the dark of the night when they were all supposed to be asleep, casually sharing a single bed because it was cold, the strange chill of the Nightless City’s interior despite the warmer climate. He could stare at the ceiling, reciting weakness after weakness of the plans he had proposed as if he was merely anxious about them, and this time he tailored those weaknesses to specific strengths: how the pincer maneuver wouldn’t work if it was used against the Jiang, especially if they relied on their watercraft to escape, turning strength to weakness by retaliating in the aftermath; how the advantageous high ground of the mountain would backfire if their enemy were the Lan, their battle-songs’ effectiveness multiplied by the clear mountain air and the resonance of the echoes; how the effect of the ambush would be halved if it was used against the Jin, who were so rich and so lazy that their baggage train would never move fast enough to spring the trap in full.

He still didn’t know how Nie Huaisang and Wen Chao exchanged letters with Lan Wangji, or what Wen Ning was doing over in the Lotus Pier with the full support of Jiang Fengmian’s mother-in-law, or even what scheme Wen Xu and Wen Qing had concocted between them to lure in the normally reluctant Jin sect and force them to take a side. He didn’t need to know, didn’t want to know; he wanted to put his body between them and Wen Ruohan, distract the man with his ‘walks’ and his punishments and the influence that Wen Ruohan thought meant he knew everything there was to know, and to give them as much time as he could manage before disaster struck.

“Isn’t it time for Nie Huaisang to go to the Cloud Recesses?” he asked, playing ignorant, in the middle of a dinner when Wen Ruohan was already stewing over some unfortunate reversals, more than a few caused by the reemerged Qingheng-jun, who had taken on the mantle of leading the war as its general.

Wen Ruohan turned to him with lightning in his eyes, and Nie Mingjue didn’t have to opine on the war for an entire week, confined as he was to his sickbed.

But good things could not last, and he closed his eyes in anticipation of pain when Wen Xu came to sit by his bed in the middle of the night.

“Where is he sending you?” he asked. The two of them were the only ones old enough to be used in war, the others too young to go even for someone as disdainful of social norms as Wen Ruohan, and if Nie Mingjue could not be trusted on a battlefield then it had to be Wen Xu.

“I’m sorry,” Wen Xu said.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault – are you supposed to tell him no? I know you will do everything you can to stop the worst of the war, to fight honorably and with fairness, avoiding harm to the common people.”

Wen Xu swallowed audibly. “You’ve always thought so well of me,” he murmured. “Always assumed such things…to continue to do badly even after I knew what you thought of me was to fail to live up to your expectations, and even if it made things harder sometimes, the alternative of letting you down was always worse. I hate to disappoint you now.”

“You won’t.”

There was a pause, a long silence. Wen Xu gathering his thoughts, steeling his spine.

“He wants me to burn the Unclean Realm.”

Nie Mingjue had expected a blow. He had not expected –

He exhaled, hard, and found Wen Xu’s hand with his own, squeezing it lightly.

I cannot forgive this, he meant. But I will hate him for it instead of you.

-

When the news came, Nie Mingjue allowed himself to feel for the first time the rage he had been swallowing down for nearly five years – his father’s rage, his family’s rage, Baxia’s rage, his own.

Training the saber was a style that promoted aggression, both in fighting and in the soul, and yet Nie Mingjue had restrained himself to the point of agony, oppressing himself internally as thoroughly as Wen Ruohan did externally, and all because he knew that the consequences of his actions would not be felt by him alone.

Because he was still his sect’s heir, still the rightful leader of Qinghe Nie, and if he could by his submission and humiliation earn them even a little more consideration, he would do it, however anathema it was to him.

He would be his sect’s heir before he was his father’s son, forgetting injustice and bending knee to his father’s killer – he would keep silent, no matter what he endured.

Wen Xu burned the Unclean Realm, and for the first time, Nie Mingjue put aside his silence.

He howled.

At first, Wen Ruohan laughed at him – the rage of the impotent was merely attractive coloring to him – but Nie Mingjue was not so foolish as to waste the gift of anger so easily. He did not do what Wen Ruohan had undoubtedly expected him to do: savage some training dummies, beat up a few pointless guards, beat himself even if only to vent the pain in his heart.

He did what Wen Ruohan did not expect.

Nie Mingjue, who loved only his family more than his sect –

He lashed out at them.

Nie Mingjue rampaged through the familial quarters at the Nightless City: he burned a sobbing Nie Huaisang’s fans, calling him worthless and a disappointment on their family name; he destroyed a cauldron in Wen Qing’s room in the midst of a batch of medicine she was making, unable to find her but naming her complicit, shouting that she supported evil from behind a façade of righteousness; he attacked Wen Chao’s room, searching for the son of his enemy and calling for his head, demanding blood for blood, red-eyed with fury, searching for a target.

He found one.

Not Wen Chao himself, of course – Nie Mingjue was not, as he was pretending to be, truly maddened beyond all reason, for all that the sorrow and anger he felt were real – but rather his bodyguard, who was nominally there to protect him.

Wen Zhuliu, the Core-Melting Hand. A technique that could only be used for two things, for scaring people – or turning the course of a single battle.

For destroying good people on the other side of the war, turning them into regular people that could not fight, and destroying morale at the same time – Wen Zhuliu was a plague-carrier, a danger that needed to be avoided, as much as weapon simply in the threat of him as he was in actual reality.

Wen Zhuliu was a fierce fighter, more powerful than a person with that sort of technique usually was, and Nie Mingjue was not in as good a shape as he could be, still recovering both emotionally and physically from his last walk with Wen Ruohan and the consequences of his insolent tongue, but he had the advantage of surprise on his side and his saber was unmatched in close combat, the melee his specialty.

By the time Wen Ruohan realized that Nie Mingjue had turned against his own in a way he’d been refusing to do for years and came to stop him, Nie Mingjue had already claimed Wen Zhuliu’s head, sticking it on a makeshift pike before burning the body as an offering in his father’s name.

He turned, red-eyed, to look upon the man he would much rather have killed but knew in his weakness that he couldn’t, and in the strength and safety of his rage decided to give it his best shot anyway.

It didn’t work, of course.

This time he was bedridden for more than a week.

-

Nie Mingjue found himself missing the others more than he thought he would.

He’d anticipated it, of course. The instant Wen Xu had told him his mission, the plan had leapt fully-formed into his mind, the only way he could think of to keep the younger children safe since there was no way to keep them beneath Wen Ruohan’s notice. In Wen Ruohan’s eyes they were tools, not yet old enough to be properly useful but still sharp enough to use where it counted – he knew how much Nie Mingjue loved them, and if the war went badly he would undoubtedly threaten their lives to get Nie Mingjue’s compliance, would use them as leverage to send him to the front line as a general for the wrong side. Any failure would be punished, and Nie Mingjue didn’t need personal experience to know that war was nothing but failures, one right after the other, interspersed with occasional victories snatched from the jaws of defeat.

Wen Ruohan would not accept that. He would hurt the children, again and again, just to hurt him.

He would put his attention on them, and when he did, he would figure out what they were doing. All their little schemes would become clear to his eyes, and then –

There was no and then. It was unthinkable.

Nie Mingjue wasn’t strong enough to stop Wen Ruohan, no more than he could stop the full weight of a rushing river, but like the river even Wen Ruohan could be diverted if you were clever enough about it.

Nie Mingjue was not especially clever, he didn’t think, not the way Nie Huaisang or Wen Xu or even Wen Qing were, but that was why he thought his plan would work – Wen Ruohan wouldn’t expect it from him.

He would accept the surface reading of what happened: he would think that Nie Mingjue had succumbed to his family’s curse and lashed out blindly in his rage, burning bridges it had taken him years to build, and his cruel mind would immediately leap to how he could use this to hurt and torment him. He would know that Nie Mingjue would be all the more pained if he knew that Wen Ruohan was using his gross violation of trust to replace his influence on the children, which Wen Ruohan hated, with his own.

Under the circumstances, it would hurt him more for Wen Ruohan to treat them well, seeking to seduce them into dependence, than it would hurt him to see them in pain. Nie Mingjue could only count on Wen Ruohan’s sadism to do the rest.

(And since he had no choice but to break with his family in such a horrible way, there was no reason not to take advantage of the situation to get rid of Wen Zhuliu. The benefits outweighed the costs – or at least, the benefits went to everyone, while the costs fell only on him, and he could accept that.)

Nie Mingjue had already seen the fruits of his efforts. At the very beginning, when Nie Mingjue was still bedridden, Wen Ruohan had brought Nie Huaisang with him to the room in the Fire Palace where Nie Mingjue had been imprisoned, and Nie Huaisang had quailed away from him, rocking backwards a little, almost even leaning behind Wen Ruohan as if Nie Mingjue was the scarier of the two.

(Nie Mingjue knew that Nie Huaisang was the finest actor of their group, but oh – it hurt, it hurt!)

Wen Ruohan smiled at the spasm of pain that crossed Nie Mingjue’s face and put his hand on Nie Huaisang’s shoulder as he drew him away.

Nie Mingjue wanted to cut off that hand and burn it to ashes.

He wanted –

He wanted many things.

A different life, for the most part. To live somewhere where he didn’t have to make these sorts of dirty calculations, to hurt the people he loved in order to save them from worse pain. Where he would be able to take Nie Huaisang into his arms and whisper promises that he wasn’t going to succumb to a qi deviation the way their father had, at least not any time soon; where he could buy Wen Qing a half-dozen new cauldrons in apology; where he could tell Wen Chao that he didn’t mean any of the things he’d forced himself to say…

He’d warned them, of course. But there was knowing, and then there was experiencing, and he – he hated to disappoint them, even a little.

And in all his plans he hadn’t realized how terribly he’d miss them, all of them, now that he couldn’t see them.

There was nothing to do but miss them now that he was here, trapped in a small little bed in a small little room with barely any light but that which came in through the door when someone walked by, all alone and waiting for Wen Ruohan to decide his fate.

A fate that was a lot less certain than it had once been, Nie Mingjue reflected. Wen Ruohan had once been bound by etiquette to keep him alive, to pretend to the cultivation world that his forced adoption was an act of generosity rather than an outright act of conquering, but all of those reasons went away now that the cultivation world had declared war on him.

He’d already sent Wen Xu to burn the Unclean Realm. Why bother with hiding behind a puppet?

At least it didn’t seem like Wen Ruohan had realized it yet.

[kookiepredictions]

Jungkook’s Soul Purpose, Path & Destiny

Another day, another book lol. Forgive me for subjecting you to this, won’t you? :)

Note, this is a general overview of his soul path and destiny as seen by an outsider (me) simply for the purpose of this reading — the most accurate soul path is what Jungkook himself feels it is. Also, must be full of typos, please excuse.

 Okay, so let’s start with the worst and get it out of the way. Jungkook is tired of being a K Pop idol. All of BTS are, but this reading focuses specifically on Jungkook’s challenges. It’s more of a soul fatigue than physical fatigue (although that is there too). It’s not that he hates his job. He recognizes what it has given him, and he recognizes that he is this big superstar and how difficult it is to achieve that feat. It’s just that he feels there is more to life than what he is experiencing right now. And that “more” doesn’t have to be something grand. It can be something very small, maybe something as simple as going out with his friends without getting hounded by media and sasaengs, getting a coffee from a coffee shop without phone cameras being pushed into his face, being able to exit an airport without having to see his managers and bodyguards shove overenthusiastic fans aside and being forced to pretend nothing happened there and continue walking. He misses the simple times and the simple experiences. Even after all the scandals, it’s interesting as a reader to see that Jungkook still doesn’t hate his fans. He is empathetic towards them. He knows why sasaengs do what they do and he also knows that most of his fans love him and he is truly grateful for that. However, he is not naive. He sees clearly the things that are, and the things that are not. Therefore, he also knows that as much as his fans love him and are supportive of him, most of them love him who he is on the outside, as BTS Jungkook instead of Jeon Jeongguk. He knows that they love him because he is in some way being helpful to them, either by entertaining them or by adding value to their lives— it’s a value exchange. That doesn’t mean that he sees them as selfish or isn’t grateful for their support. It just triggers this fear in him that he might be easily replaceable for them. Tomorrow, some other idol might take his or BTS’s place in their lives and he will be forgotten. When his scandals happen and when some fans react in a negative way, it sort of confirms his fears. He senses this psychology that people mostly fight for their own interests, not for his interests. Even if it’s just a small percentage of the fans that cause those scandals, given how large the fandom is, it still adds up to a lot of people, and it concerns him that there are actually so many people in this world who do not care for his happiness or what he wants to do with his life. So many people want to dictate his life to the last detail. All of this because he is a public figure— the authority of his life belongs to everyone else but himself, and to make it worse, most people don’t even care about his happiness, they are only fulfilling their own agenda through him.

But like I said, Jungkook is not naive. He knows that in exchange for relinquishing control of his will, he gets to earn all this money and live this materially comfortable life. For a long time, he has been reasoning with himself with this logic. Everytime he feels irritated by all the problems in his life, he reminds himself this.

However, lately, he has been questioning himself if it is really worth all the pain. Is he giving up too much in exchange for having too little? He’s questioning the value of everything. Is the money valuable enough to give up his freedom of choice in life? He continuously alternates between 1) wanting to leave all of this behind and go back to living a small and simple life with the few but genuine people he truly loves and those who truly love him 2) distracting himself from these mental complications and just sticking around somehow until he has earned enough money and credentials to feel secure about his future, 3) wanting to dom the fu** out of this world, showing them who’s the boss.

He’s worried sick over his future but he also wants to not worry about the future so much and live his life as a normal guy in his 20s and have fun. He’s confused about all the different possibilities and choice that life has for him right now and simply doesn’t know which one to take, and which one to give up, and as a result, stays stuck in an indecisive energy, while his mind gets tangled and knotted up by the minute. Which makes him resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms as a quick fix. But then he wakes up the next morning with the realization that one more day has passed where he hasn’t decided what he wants to do and then beats himself up about it and gets depressed and then continues the whole cycle again. Not to forget that he isn’t quite sitting at home when all of this happens; he’s going to practices, recordings, shoots, interviews and has to smile and act funny, cute and charming all the time. If he could have his way, he would yell SHUT UP to himself, and everyone around him. But he’s a public figure with an image to maintain and also, he’s Jungkook. He’d rather let himself suffer internally than put others at discomfort, not until he’s pushed to his limits anyway. Everything around him is moving and changing at lightning speed and slipping out of his control and he wants it all to stop, freeze for a few moments so he can have the silence and peace from this constant buzz and sort himself out on the inside. But even when he does have the silence, he feels tortured by all the internal confusion, and then he’s back to distractions again.

The truth that he isn’t seeing is that he doesn’t have to choose one or the other. He is perfectly capable of having ALL of what he wants. The reason why most people don’t get what they want is because right at the start, they already tell themselves that they CAN’T have what they want. They haven’t even tried and they already think that it’s impossible. That they have to definitely sacrifice something in order to get something. That might be true, but how would you know for sure if you haven’t even tried?

Here’s an interesting thing about our Destiny and Soul Purpose: the things that we REALLY want in life, are the things that are aligned with our destiny and purpose. Either for blessings or for lessons. Sometimes we can really want something that seems wrong, selfish, etc but if we’re pulled to it that much then it is a part of our purpose. How and in what respect is something we’ll have to wait to see later. Sometimes it’s better to not judge so much right up front and instead live our experiences and then learn the rights and wrongs from the experiences. No matter how much we overthink a situation, decision or action, sometimes we’ll never know if it is right or wrong unless we venture into it. Because as I had said in a previous post, we don’t know everything that is happening in this world or in everyone’s mind— our knowledge is limited at all times. The only thing that we can be sure of is what WE want to do. Yet, a lot of people think they don’t know what they want to do, but that’s because they judge and look down upon their own wants right from the beginning, and don’t even allow themselves to explore their wants and needs. Sometimes we really know what we want but think that it is wrong to want it and therefore tell ourselves we don’t want it, and then when our hearts feel empty and restless we think, we don’t know what we want. (Was that confusing enough for you? Lol)

The soul— whether or own or someone else’s— speaks to us in the form of feelings. If we always live according to our soul’s calling, we’ll always feel “right” and therefore always have the feelings associated with doing the right thing— peace, happiness, stability, love for ourselves and everyone else. But we’re all, in varying degrees, lost. We don’t always live according to our soul’s calling either because we don’t know or because we don’t care. But feelings never lie. There will always be restlessness and lack of peace when we’re not doing the right. Initially it’s a slight discomfort, but if you ignore it time and again, it grows into the kind of frustration and anxiety that will follow you everywhere you go, no matter what you do to pacify or ignore it, that forces you to one day question yourself: what is it that I’m doing wrong?

Different people have different degrees of resilience as to how long they can continue living with mental conflict, but old and evolved souls can’t for too long because they are really sensitive and every small misgiving plays out loud in their mind’s ear. They have lived and grown through the injustices of this world for far too many lifetimes to be able to take it anymore, without trying to fight back. This is why they have this rebellious nature. They are fed up, in other words. Jungkook is that sort of a person. Sometimes, he can have an outburst due to a situation and reason that is apparently too small to elicit such a strong response, but it’s not only because of that immediate reason or situation. It’s a pent up frustration of many lifetimes of wrongs that he has been enduring. Compared to other people in the same situation as his, he feels a more immediate sense of solving the problems because it’s his soul calling to do that. And that’s why when he wants to ignore it and just do what everyone else is doing, his mental unrest is so much stronger than others who are in the same situation as him.

Jungkook can really do and have all of the different options that he is trying to choose from if only he stops judging his wants so much. He feels greedy for wanting so much from life. But the reason why he wants these things is that all of this is a part of his soul purpose and destiny. He’s not being greedy, he’s being shown the way via his feelings. For example, think of how Jungkook comes from a family of artists. His current profession, though, is mostly of a singer and dancer. It would seem like his art skills went to waste, they were for no reason at all. But that’s not true. Because we see Jungkook as someone who is good at everything and who has so many interests, he is even more endearing to us. Although his art skills didn’t directly result to a painter’s profession, it is still useful. Likewise, the things we feel ourselves pulled towards— no matter how small or big— have a profound contribution towards our destiny. It’s not our place to judge how we feel if we really feel that way.

So I have a more specific write-up on Jungkook’s destiny and purpose, but first let’s go over his challenges.

Jungkook is a very meticulous planner, but can we say “too” meticulous? Extremity is a general challenge with Jungkook. He feels in extremes, so whatever emotion he feels is very intense and prolonged. He also thinks in extremes— if there’s breeze blowing right now then it MUST end in a tornado— and acts in extremes— being his subject of love is intense work lol, and you definitely do NOT want to be the subject of his hate. Being so meticulous leads him to make his plans very rigidly with very tight timelines. He probably has a ton of To Dos every week because he has a very tight schedule of what he has to do in a year. When he decides he has to do something, he hardly allows himself time and space to breathe and then if one day, he doesn’t quite feel like doing something, it all comes crashing down because there was no space for making mistakes. This is a challenge for him to overcome. He doesn’t allow himself to make mistakes. He doesn’t even allow himself to consider it. Surprisingly though, he’s more lenient with others in this respect. He will easily forgive others mistakes— unless of course it’s a repeated offense and he feels like the other person has no intention of correcting themselves— but he’s not as kind with himself. He feels he always has to be perfect to be relevant. To be loved and accepted. When he fears that his fans only love him for his outer image, it is actually a reflection of what he thinks about himself. It’s his own belief that BTS Jungkook is better than Jeon Jeongguk that he projects on to others.

If he wants mental peace, and for everything to go in his favour, he first needs to be a lot more kind to himself than he is right now. He needs to detach his self identity from the perfect image that he has in mind. Replace “perfection” with “authenticity” instead. No one in this world is perfect, not even the people and idols he looks up to. We all have some imperfections and yet we all have someone who still loves us. Perfection is not an essential requisite for love and acceptance. However, authenticity is. What is more important is that authenticity is lacking so much in the world right now, due to years and eras of forcing an idea of “perfection” on us, even if it has to be faked. So if you look around you, (fake) perfection is everywhere, but authenticity— that sh** is rare. But authenticity starts with yourself. It’s in the mentality. You have to first accept yourself the way you are. EXACTLY the way you are. Don’t say things like, I’ll be awesome IF I have this skill or that body or that job or bank balance. All those things will make you awesome-er but you’re already awesome the way you are right now! Sure, while you take a look at yourself, you’ll find flaws and weaknesses, and what about it? Never be ashamed if your weaknesses. Never be ashamed of your mistakes. Know that they are there for a reason. Life is a journey and those were different pit stops in your journey. All pit stops won’t look the same. Those were experiences meant to teach you something for you to grow. See your weaknesses as projects. That’s what they are actually— projects that are given by the Universe to us to handle. So you start from a point where you have this weakness, and your project is to overcome it by gradually learning about it and understanding it. Go to the root of it. Ask yourself, how did I end up here? What was the first time I acted from this “weakness”? Is it a childhood, generational or even possibly past life habit? You will find that all of our flaws, weaknesses and habits have a root cause, and mostly, it isn’t our “fault”. It was a situational impact on the state of mind that we were at that time. Forgive yourself. The fault is not if you have this weakness, the fault is if you know that it is a weakness and still don’t do anything about it. And even then, don’t put a gun to your head about overcoming it overnight. Things take time, and we don’t always know how long. But if you beat yourself up for having these flaws or not being perfect, then you will be stuck in this cycle. And once you do overcome it, you not only help yourself, but you now have the knowledge of how anyone with that same weakness can overcome it. So it directly changes from a weakness to a strength! So own your flaws and embrace them. Be kind with yourself and allow yourself the space and time to work on them slowly but surely. Know yourself— strength and weakness— so thoroughly that no one can ever use your “flaws” against you. You will always be a step ahead of everyone.

Jungkook also tends to have a one track mind regarding his goals and results. He’s rigid not just about timelines, he’s also rigid about how things should pan out. He tries to micromanage everything— it gives him a sense of control— but the problem is, we can’t manage or plan things that are not directly within our purview. So when even one thing goes amiss, all of his plans seem to fall apart, and he feels demotivated to take further action. Simply because he made his plans based on a lot of factors that weren’t within his control. Speaking of which, Jungkook tends to be a control freak, because of which he wants to control EVERYTHING. But that’s just impossible. It’s like wanting to get your car out only when all the traffic lights are green. It CAN happen, but it’s not something we can plan on to be sure. He definitely needs to be more willing to adjust, adapt, and flow with situations. He tends to overthink and obsess over things that are outside his control, and let the things that are within his control to run on autopilot. When that’s the exact opposite of what we should do: 1) Start with working on things that are directly and completely under our control, 2) move on to things that are partially under our control, but be ready to adjust with factors that are outside, and 3) leave the things completely outside our control to the Universe. In time, when we are ready, we will be shown paths and methods to work towards these things.

Next, he takes up too much responsibility. All the damn time. It’s not strictly a bad thing, it’s actually a good attribute, but as I said, Jungkook tends to act in extremes. For example, how he puts in SO much energy into his performances. Not a wrong thing, but when done in extreme, disregarding the situation and his health, it ends up harmful for him, and therefore to people who are impacted by him. He doesn’t have to give his 200% all the time. It’s not always necessary. Because he over-gives, when the other person doesn’t value it, he tends to feel hurt and cheated, and then he completely shuts them out and turn cold towards everyone else fearing that they will do the same. He needs to have healthy boundaries in terms of giving and receiving. He needs to have the judgement of when to give how much and to whom, without going to extremes. This attribute magnifies when it comes to people he loves. Jungkook has an almost self-sacrificing nature when it comes to taking care of his loved ones. Again, done in extremes, it is harmful, because no one is supposed to sacrifice their own wellbeing and interests to take care of their loved ones, and if you do, one day that realization will dawn on you and you’ll start holding them responsible for your misery, when really it was your own decision of sacrificing yourself. Jungkook has these big dreams for his family— both present and future— which is amazing, except he tends to feel it’s all his responsibility to make them true. And that if he can’t then he is worthless. This is a self-harming mindset because does your family really want you to beat yourself up so you can make them live these dreams? Does your worth to them really depend on how much money you earn and what kind of things you buy for them? Do they really love you for being a famous and successful artist or do they love you because you are their son, sibling, partner, father, etc? If people who claim to love you don’t love you in whichever situation you are in, financial or otherwise, then maybe they are not worth working so hard for. It’s an important mental block for Jungkook to overcome. He dreams of giving the best to his loved ones, then makes all these plans to make it happen, then gets overwhelmed by his own big plans and ambitions because he won’t give himself the space to feel worthy and loved even without all these things that gives. His loved ones won’t love him more or less for what he does. They will (or should) love him for who he is. Everything else is a bonus— huge bonus, but still extras.

His TF connection also suffers because of this. He wants to be perfect for her, which is wonderful, but it’s a bonus, not a prerequisite. If he believes she would love him only if he is perfect and hate him if he has flaws, then she’s too high maintenance to have in his life. Because no matter how much self work we do, there will still be more to do. Love shouldn’t depend on the result, love should depend on the effort. Anyone who truly loves you, loves you knowing that you have flaws. If you feel the need to change, do it for yourself, not for the other person’s validation or acceptance. Do it because whether or not that person is in your life, you will still benefit because of these changes. Don’t think that the whole connection is just your responsibility. Don’t overthink how it will come to being. It’s her connection too, her responsibility too. Maybe Jungkook should relax and wait for her to reach out to him at her own time and pace?

Now coming to the Destiny, I’ve already made a Future Career reading on him where I have mentioned that he will become a really huge artist internationally. However, “destiny” is not the exact same as career. As I said in a previous post, the spiritual realm doesn’t care for earthly practices until they serve spiritual advancements. If Jungkook is destined to be a top international artist, it serves as a vehicle, a tool for a spiritual purpose, which is his actual Destiny. Take for example, BTS. Their Destiny is to put into motion discussions about various controversial topics among an age group that will go on to form the next working class. Their destiny is to broaden the horizon of people to the idea that people can be different and still live harmoniously with each other. Among other things. To fulfil this destiny, being an Asian boy group that would achieve recognition internationally and yet, be subjected to continuous hate and criticism was the necessary vehicle.

Jungkook’s destiny, as I see it, is about how we approach living our lives. Remember that our destiny is not what we say, it’s what we do. If BTS had been represented by a big agency, or even, had been white, and then spoken about equality between races, it wouldn’t have been impactful nor their destiny. Only because they did the work that they did, overcame the challenges that they did, do they have the right to speak on these subjects. Destiny is always fulfilled by example. It’s a natural tendency to see your weaknesses and challenges with irritation and hate, but our challenges are exactly what show us what our destiny is. Just take a look at ANY person you admire in any field. You admire them because they overcame a challenge in that field. That’s why I said embrace your weaknesses. They are your future strengths.

So Jungkook’s destiny IMO has everything to do with the challenges that he is facing now. Those 3 options that I started this post with. He feels like he has to choose, but what he really needs to do is find a way of accommodating ALL his wants and desires in his life without any judgement. Quite literally: Do everything you want to do. It’s one life one chance as Jeon Jungkook. Think of all of life’s options as the different pieces of a puzzle, all jumbled up in a pile. Now, to make the picture complete, you need all of those pieces, none of them are indispensable. But if the top piece is put on the bottom, then it won’t complete the picture. So it’s a matter of figuring out the exact place for each piece. In Jungkook’s case, figuring out the time period for each of those options. And starting with the part over which he has complete control. I see him struggling so much trying to figure out his future, but he is missing his present in the process. Whether it’s about creating wealth, establishing an independent career or working towards that perfect love life, his energy is focused too much in the future. He is overwhelmed, depressed and prone to all types of negative outbursts because he wants to be assured about his future. But his present self is the only person who can make his future goals possible. We can only take action in the present. So unless we invest in our present, there is no future. No matter how foolproof our plan is. Also, investing in ourselves doesn’t mean just working on our skills. It also means our mental health and wellbeing. Jungkook really needs to chill the fu** out lmao. Don’t take life so seriously. Yes, we have dreams. Yes, it’s hard work. But our mind doesn’t have to know that! And that’s Jungkook’s destiny. To bring about a shift of perception about how we approach work-life balance. And if you look at it, what better premise than the K Pop industry? We all know that the industry is so hard on their artists. Not only is it physically hectic, it’s also mentally taxing. One could think that once you’re successful, your struggles end but fame and success just bring a new crop of problems. Honestly, being the level of successful that BTS is, is such an added pressure because they’re paving the way, but paving the way also means that there is literally no way before them. They’re creating as they go. Meaning they have no prior reference point and have no idea what to expect next. It’s all a shot in the dark. And compared to when they were smaller artists, they have so much to lose right now. It’s such a high strung environment you’ve got to have a really string mindset to survive and thrive. I feel like the hyung line does a lot better in that department because they joined the group after they had formed a considerably stable self identity, so they find it easier to detach themselves from their work as needed. But the maknae line has taken the most hit because they were so impressionable when they started, it’s like their self identity was not just created after their career, it was created from it. The reason why Jungkook finds it so difficult to believe that he has something valuable offer without his on stage identity.

I can’t help but think that Jungkook was really put in this place to figure out the exact mindset to not just survive but to thrive and flourish. This is why his future career is of such magnitude. Somewhere between now and that time in future, he WILL figure out a way. When I first saw Jungkook, he was equal part a K Pop idol and equal part non K Pop idol. It was like, his appearance, performance, personality, charm was all tailormade for being an idol but his soul was so out of place. Which is probably why he finds it so difficult to accept everything that happens in this profession. Even now, he probably always has an eye on the exit door. At this point in time, it’s just the money that’s holding him back. Like I said, at some point, he’s gotten disenchanted with the glam and glory.

The thing is, there is nothing wrong with leaving. He could, in fact, walk out any time. AND there is nothing wrong with staying either. The thing that differentiates is the energy that is behind that decision. Like I said earlier, there are no right or wrong decisions. It’s all contextual. It’s the intention behind it that makes it right or wrong. The difference between murder and euthanasia is simply intention. Any decision or action taken with the right intention will be right, and vice versa. Jungkook often wants to leave certain situations to escape from a problem that he’d rather not face, because it is too scary. And that’s an issue. If we operate with the intent of escaping, there will be no place or profession in the world where we can escape to. Because the problem is within our mindset which we haven’t fixed yet. It’s a crucial part of Jungkook’s destiny to learn how to transform a situation rather than running from it. To figure out what aspects of the situation are making him feel stressed and unfulfilled. Then figure out what sets of skills and mentality he needs to tackle them, and address them directly. And again, be kind to yourself while you’re at it. Things don’t change overnight, and he’s allowed to take all the time he needs to address his problems.

He is also in need of deep Inner Child healing right now. He has been adulating for so long, and he takes it so seriously upon himself that he has lost his sense of enthusiasm and excitement about his life— work being a big part of it, since he spends most of his time working. And when he’s not working, he’s learning skills that are directly related to his future work plans. It’s all good, but he needs to accommodate more things in his life that are also for his pure fun and joy. A simple and effective inner child healing technique that has worked for me is to make a list of some things I used to do as a kid that made me feel happy. Things that still make me feel nostalgic like old TV shows, cartoons, comic books, even food. I make some time, no matter how less, in my schedule to indulge in those activities. Everytime I do them, I’m reminded of simpler times. It also helps when I think that back then, I couldn’t do these activities as much as I wanted because I had school and studies, but now as an adult, I DECIDE when to do things that make me happy. It feels me so empowered lol. Jungkook should probably play video games first thing he wakes up in the morning lol. But not in an unaware way where time is slipping by without noticing, rather, in a planned way where he doesn’t lose track of time, yet, is completely aware that everyday he is deliberately making time out to do something solely for his own happiness that has nothing to do with work and all related things that stress him out. There is an overall need for him to return to that sense of purity that he had before he came to Seoul to pursue his dreams. 13 year old Googie did not come to become a K Pop idol to make money and be stressed, he came because he was fascinated by the idols he looked up to. Sure, he was awestruck by the glitz and glam, but he was more fascinated by the impact and influence that they had on people, how much people loved and admired them. 23 year old Jungkook has achieved all of that and more, but somewhere down the line, has forgotten to acknowledge that he has. It is time to slow down on the race, and to take a step back and cherish everything he has already achieved. Yes, there’s still a long way to go, given how big his dreams are, but unless he can periodically step back and give himself a pat on his back, he will forever feel that he hasn’t achieved as much as wants. No matter how far we go in life, there will always be further to go. But we must never forget our “why”. Why we started in the first place. Does he want to achieve success just for the sake of it, or does it want it so that he can be happy? And if being happy is his reason, then why would he ignore his happiness now? Anything material cannot replace happiness and peace, because these two are the end goals of EVERY person, no matter what they do. Yet, people forget that, and get into this endless cycle of wanting more, having more, and wanting more again, while their mental peace deteriorates, which reflects in impatient, rowdy behaviour, which creates stressful environments. Go after your dreams, smash those goals, get that money, but never at the cost of your mental peace because without it, you will never feel fulfilled, and one day you will wonder why you’ve been doing all of this at all.

Funny as it sounds, it’s his destiny to learn to have fun with his job. To allow himself to be silly, and to make mistakes. It’s okay, even superheroes makes stupid mistakes. He tends to take over ALL the responsibilities of everyone’s happiness and then be like Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders lol. He can put that load down. Jungkook is an innately responsible and generous person. No matter what happens, he will not change into someone who will ignore his responsibilities or not think of others. But the balance is skewed because he does not extend the same energy towards himself. He needs to learn to do that now. Forget about responsibilities for a while. Think about fun. Sing, dance, box, learn the guitar, not because you have a responsibility that weighs you down, or because you have created these elaborate plans that MUST be followed, but because you enjoy doing them. Make money not because if you don’t you’ll be broke, but because dealing with finances makes you feel like a boss. Speaking specifically of money, remember that if you want to master something, you can’t be a slave to it. You should dictate how and when money, fame, success, achievements come to you. Those things should not dictate you. They should not make you feel like you have to do anything and everything to have them. If they control you, you are their slave. And think about how slaves are treated. Don’t have a slave mindset towards things that you want to master. Have the master mindset to become one. Have your own principles and values that will stick to no matter what, and all those things will come to you on YOUR terms, not on their terms.

What comes in the way of doing this is Jungkook’s fearful mindset. Like I said earlier, Jungkook has a deep seated fear of being punished by the Universe. That he will not be given all that he wants because somehow he believes that he doesn’t deserve so much happiness and fulfilment. Interestingly, I had done a Past Life reading on him (and his TF) and I found out that in most or all his lifetimes, Jungkook has lived in a class-based social system where he belonged to the lower classes. In all of these lifetimes, he was a very bright, hardworking and highly driven person with lots of dreams and ambition. However, because of his social status, he was denied the highest positions in society even though he deserved them on merit. He did not get the rewards and recognition that he deserved simply because someone in position of power decided against it, and he had nothing to do except watch and accept his fate, albeit begrudgingly because he knew it was unfair. This is a past life trauma that he carries into this lifetime. This is why he has this apparently unreasonable fear that he does not deserve good things in life, even though everyone else can see that he can do anything he wants to. It’s also notable that in those previous lifetimes, his DF came from a higher class, and he was all too aware of this difference between them, and they have possibly had an unrequited love relationship/ forceful separation due to their differences and this too remains as a deep trauma in Jungkook. Even though in this lifetime, he achieves success and recognition way before she does, he still looks at her with the same past life memory. He thinks she’s too good for him and he will never have her or has to work very hard to get her. In her past lives, his twinflame was a revolutionary figure of sorts, who always broke the rules and swam against the tide. For example, if she was a royal person, she would do things that only her subjects were supposed to do. As a woman, she would do things that only men were supposed to do. Therefore her role in Jungkook’s life was always to inspire him to challenge the ways of the world. They fell in love because neither of them cared for class differences but Jungkook was always fascinated by her because she overlooked his outer identity and loved him for who he was inside. Back then he was sort of dependent on her for his security and anything else that he wanted to do in life but couldn’t due to societal limitations. This is the reason why he looks up to her as a mentor in this lifetime as well. It’s a past life memory. However, in this lifetime, there is no such social structure. There still are limitations though, like racism and such, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was back then, and so it is essential for him to shed that past life trauma by seeing his problems exactly as they are, instead of blowing them up in his mind. In the past life reading, one of the possibilities of their separation was that he might have been executed, and needless to say, if you were killed for no reason in a lifetime, this could leave a very deep trauma in your mind. But because of this, his fear in this lifetime tends to feel as huge as this. When he has some inconveniences and problems in his life, he could feel anxiety to the degree of feeling like he would die. It’s not just a mental block picked up in this life, it is a deep trauma from many lifetimes of working hard, making honest efforts and still not getting what we wanted. This reading is one of the big signs I had to ascertain Jungkook’s future career. See it as a payback from the Universe to Jungkook for all the unfair treatment that was meted out to him, and for all the hard work that he has already done. It’s like this lifetime is a “final showdown”. And it’s his destiny to complete the cycle of being a sincere, hard working and generous person who wanted to achieve his dreams but couldn’t, due to societal norms. To continue with this cycle, in this lifetime too, he is an Asian man who is allegedly “effeminate looking”, who is to take over the international scene, and also not deemed aggressive or outgoing enough for this job. This has already started with his journey with BTS and will continue with his solo career as well.

A beautiful thing about Jungkook’s birth chart is that he has his north node in Virgo as well as his sun sign. This is probably the most literal way of saying that Jungkook’s destiny is to be himself lol. He doesn’t have to become like someone else. He only has to let his true personality shine. That’s all that is required for him to fulfill his destiny. He needs to know that Jeon Jeongguk is not lacking compared to BTS Jungkook. If there was no BTS tomorrow, Jeon Jeongguk would still survive. But without him, without his sincerity, dedication, talent, charm, humour, there will never be a BTS Jungkook.

In order to make his true personality shine, he needs to take the time to understand himself inside out. He needs to explore his own mind, heart and soul by allowing himself to do everything that makes him happy. He puts so much effort and energy on his future, which is great, but the way I see it, he needs to have more fun in the present. He’s too young at 23 to be worrying so damn much about his future! Yes, there are problematic people who will point fingers at him for anything and everything, but you don’t get to learn true self acceptance without learning how to turn a deaf ear to people who only criticize for the heck of it. As long as it is not his true intention to harm anyone, he needs to continue doing what he wants. Go out with friends, party a lot, travel as much as you can, date if you want to. It’s also beneficial for his TF connection. It might be surprising how I included dating in a TF connection, but here’s the thing: love comes in all shapes and forms. Love is never a bad thing, the more the merrier. I’m not advocating forcing yourself to date when you don’t want to— a lot of TFs do not feel attracted to anyone else at all, even in long periods of separation, in which case great! — but I’m advocating to not put your life on hold in any way IF you feel the need to have an experience of any kind, and that includes dating. As long as you have the right intention and respect towards another person, whether male or female, a connection of any kind can never go wrong. Jungkook does tend to have a sort of one track mind, as I said, and if he falls in love with someone, they become his whole world and every future plan of his has this person sitting right in the middle of it, but it CAN get exhausting sometimes waiting for Union. In which case, he should NOT feel like he doesn’t have the freedom to interact with other people. Like I said, respect and intention is key. A TF connection is based on unconditional love. It’s not a random relationship. Your TF counterpart has the ability to have the widest limits for you when it comes to accepting what makes you happy. The main point is, do everything that makes you happy. Be the kind of couple to challenge relationship norms. You don’t always need to label all your relationships. Meet and interact with people with the awareness that different people add value to our lives in different ways. They broaden our horizon, give us new perspectives, tell us funny stories and help us in really odd ways. So allow yourself to meet and interact with people in mentally free way, and without having a set mindset of where the interaction or connection must lead to. Be responsible but don’t be restricted.

Speaking of which, always see people as vessels of different combinations of energy. When you learn that people do what they do because they are simply carrying some type of energy, it becomes easier to deal with them. Do not judge by words or actions, judge by intentions. We’re less vulnerable to being manipulated if we learn to see the intentions of people. Intentions are revealed by behavioural patterns. Observe and see what patterns people are following. No matter what they say and do for you, they will follow the same patterns that match their true intentions. Also observe how someone makes you feel. If inspite of hearing good words and seeing good actions, you feel like something is wrong then it probably is.

Also, judging people based on their intentions make it so much easier to forgive them. Sometimes people have the right intentions beneath the wrong actions and when you can find them, instead of seeing them as bad people, you see them as people in pain. At the end of the day, every single person is looking for the same things: love, acceptance and peace. No matter what they do— the biggest contributions to the most heinous crimes, it’s still the same things they are looking for. Just that everyone is trying to achieve them in the best way according to them. See these people as what they really are, even if they don’t, and it will be easier to not engage in their low vibrational energy and activities. Because by engaging in them, even mentally or emotionally, you pull yourself down to the same vibration which actually gives them access to your higher energy, which is more precious. Don’t let anyone disrupt your energy. Your energy, mood and feelings should only be under your control.

Feelings are such good signifiers and it is such a shame that we’ve been taught to block our feelings. But this is not called the Age of the Rise of Divine Feminine for nothing. Divine feminine does not just mean the female gender. It represents the whole gamut of qualities and attributes that is associated with the DF energy, one of which is listening to our feelings. Feelings are also how our intuition is communicated to us, although our fears are also communicated to us via feelings, therefore intuition should be paired with logic for the best results. There’s a reason why we are given both. The best way to use both is to let ourselves by guided by intuition and then back it up with logic. Let your feelings show the way. Go where your feelings are positive, where you feel happy, peaceful, excited, hopeful, relaxed. And then work out the details using logic. Also, a reminder again to not judge your feelings. Don’t ignore any feelings— not even the feelings you’re trying to get rid of, like Fear. Being afraid of feeling fear just creates a continuous chain. Meet fear with awareness. Tell yourself, yes I’m afraid, and these are the reasons why. But I will eventually get over it. It won’t stop me from going after what I truly want in my life. Awareness is the light that illuminates every darkness. In fact, awareness and faith are the only 2 tools you need in spirituality. So many people think that spirituality is separate from normal, earthly life. That it means hours of meditation, years of seclusion, using tools of divination, and those can be used but are not necessary. Spirituality is simply about moving with faith and awareness. It is a new lens with which we see the world, or more accurately, removing all the lenses from our eyes and seeing with a clear vision. It is a new, empowered way of taking action.

As a TF, Jungkook has been pushed into this world of spirituality whether or not he likes it, but it is essential to know that it is not about his DF— it is not about the person, it is about the energy. His DF wasn’t sent to do great things for him. His DF was sent to remind him of his greatness, and vice versa. And then you go your separate ways, live your individual dreams, your individual lives, have your individual experiences, grow individually as separate people, so that when you come back together, you’re no more two separate individuals, you’re soul, one team, and you’re a force to reckon with. And to make that happen, you don’t have to do anything that your heart doesn’t already desire. You only really have to follow your natural interests and use your natural talents and skills because those were given to you for your soul purpose. Those are the only tools you need to achieve your dreams and your destiny, albeit with awareness and faith. You’ve got this!

[onelastbreath-writes]

I’ll Meet You There (Part 3)

Pairing: Marcus Moreno/ Wife!Reader (AFAB, no y/n) 

Word Count: 2.6K

Warnings: Talks about loss of spouse, loss of child, medical conditions/inaccuracies, grief/mourning, manipulation/brainwashing (subtext/implied, but we’ll get into it later *winkwink*)

Tags: Hurt/No comfort (for now), ANGST, eventual happy ending, one really sad man for whom I just keep making things worse, #sorrynotsorry, and now I’m just making stuff up as I go along

Summary(lite): You are Marcus’s wife, and you’re definitely not dead. No one is having a great time right now, but like hell if there's a force on this earth that’ll keep you apart forever. This is not a goodbye, its just a see you later. And the interim is going to be everyone else’s problem, you’ll make sure of it.

A/N: Hello dears, welcome back to my twisted mind story,,, guess who showed up like 2 weeks late with a smoothie! So things about this new chapter: I am a criminal with italics and someone needs to stop me, hello switching scenes and perspectives because I just want to fast forward to the good stuff but y’all don’t live in my head and don’t know all the stuff that happens to get us there so here we are taking the slow lane, and I keep brainstorming new and horrible things for my characters because I am A Lot, All The Time, and will not be stopped. Also hey, Marcus the Simp is here for you, so much. I hope this is acceptable to be a reader fic still, because I am giving you some serious personality traits... ehh, it is what it is. Tell me if you spot any of my various references, there’s a lot of ‘em. Thanks to everyone who has liked/reblogged/commented, y’all are gorgeous and I’m so grateful for the love <3 Drop me a message/ask if you want a secret about one of the characters (specify which one), I need an outlet for my endless b.t.s. plotting >;) Please enjoy p3!

AO3|Masterlist

[Previous Part]

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There were more casseroles in his fridge that Marcus knew what to do with, and more sympathy and “thinking of you” cards stacked in piles around the house than he could count. He appreciated everyone’s gestures, but he could recognize the difference between people who were kind in the interest of helping others, and those who were kind only to help themselves. It was quite obvious which type were flooding his mailbox.

Hell, most of the people sending him cards, his fans, didn’t even know his wife, never spoke to her, didn’t feel the empty Her-shaped-space in their very souls. They just wanted the clout, the prestige, of being ‘involved’ and sympathetic to a grieving superhero. It was exhausting, but no one seemed to empathize with him on that.

The Heroics upper management, and the director specifically after his press conference and the publicity the attack had brought the organization, had insisted on Marcus taking an undetermined amount of leave from the team so he could “process and mourn his loss in the comfort of his own home.” Like he didn’t look around and see every piece of himself and his wife over the years; the Home they built for their family, filled with all the hopes and dreams of two starry eyed lovers ready to take on the world together. Like her absence wasn’t slowly killing him. 

And it wasn’t like she was gone gone.  

Dead.  

She wasn’t dead.

No way in Hell.  

Whether it was because she worked with superpowered people, her experience as a medical professional, or if she was just more paranoid than most, his wife was a planner, and she was prepared for this. “In the event of my death...," like she just knew it would be necessary.

Truthfully, she had schemes and contingencies and all manner of reactionary plans prepared for if (and when) the worst happened; terrified to be blindsided or caught unaware, unable to help those she would have been able to, if only if she had the time to think. Unpreparedness costs lives in both of their careers, and she refused to leave anything up to chance if possible. And so, she’d plan, and he’d listen.  

All throughout their relationship, from before they’d even gotten serious enough to discuss marriage, to when they heard their unborn child’s heartbeat for the first time, and just on random weekday afternoons when they would take Missy for walks around the neighbourhood to show her the beauty in their lives, his wife would paint her theories and ideas like artwork. She’d tell him a story, full of action and mystery, humour and theatrics, tragic romance and harrowing adventure; she could spin a tale like she had a silver tongue, but she never lost herself in her own narratives. In the end, they were messages, lessons, for him to remember when everything was going wrong.    

“It’s all about momentum, babe. Bleeding off energy and taking a bad hit instead of a fatal hit. You can’t just full stop; you’d absorb all the kinetic energy, and the resulting trauma will turn all your squishy internals into, like, body soup, which is just super unpleasant. And of course, head is always number one priority. Bracing for impact works better at giving you fewer serious injuries, especially for your neck and head. Muscles should absorb as much of the energy as possible, instead of letting it fall to your ligaments, discs, and nerves to take the force. So, tense up and roll in the case of a low air evacuation.”

Low air evac... she was concerned he was going to have to jump from an aircraft without a parachute at some point in his life. Which was probably accurate he’d admit, but still, he wasn’t hoping to actually need that plan.

Thankfully, it wasn’t always fire and brimstone with her, and she had many strange and terrible schemes to keep the common, everyday superhero family on their toes. Always carry at least two lip balms... never tell someone you don’t have plans for the evening... don’t smile in your mugshot... no clowns. Ever.

She was so weird, a total nerd, and so completely the girl of his dreams.  

He loved teasing her about her unending train of thought, the brain that never sleeps, how she’d go on tangents while on tangents but always circle back around; even nicknamed her (quite cheekily, and because it made them both laugh) Doctor Batman, which was usually saved for when she was being particularly dramatic and gloomy. Turn the supercomputer off for a second, Bats, come see what Missy’s doing!  

He was her anchor, always ready to pull her back to earth when she started drifting off too far from them, but he never asked and never wanted her to change. He adored her, silly or serious, or when she woke him up in the middle of the night to make him promise that he’d never get their kid(s) a pet owl (because they’re “scary”, and “our kids would be too powerful, Marcus. Promise me!”), or that in the event of them inviting a third to their bed, it would “absolutely never, ever, ever be Miracle. No way!”  

He thought it was quite entertaining most of the time, listening to her plan for zombies and old gods and what to do if everyone just started hating cheese one day, but if it was all so important to her: having him remember this or agree to that, he’d accede to her requests in a heartbeat. Most of it was cute, harmless stuff he didn’t think would even happen, but sometimes she would hit him with serious stuff. Entirely out of left field, she’d go for his heart, and ask him for things that would hurt him, destroy him inside, if he ever had to follow through with it.

“Marcus, if it’s a choice between my safety- my life, and Missy’s? I’m always going to choose her. Kids come first, okay?”  

She wasn’t superpowered, didn’t have a shred of anything other than pure, normal human in her, but she was easily the strongest person he knew. Fearless and brave, kinder than this world deserved, she’d do anything for the people she cared about. And she’d promised him, maybe as a way to repay him for all the things he’d agreed to over the years, that she’d move heavens and the earth to return to their family. That nothing in this world, or beyond, could keep her away. “Eventually,” she’d stared into his eyes, glossy with tears from how forcefully she believed, “I will find my way back to you. I swear it, so keep a weather eye on the horizon.” See? A whole-ass nerd, and he couldn’t have loved her more.

So, she wasn’t dead. Pure and simple. She was somewhere, somehow, and he was going to find her again.  

---

“Marcus, the grieving process is different for everyone, but it is always unpredictable and painful. You will have days where you will feel like you haven’t made any progress, or even lost the progress you’ve previously made, but please know that this is natural; it's something everyone experiences, and that it doesn’t mean you’ve failed in your objective. Healing takes time, and a major part of recovery is learning to forgive yourself when you slip up. No one expects you to be back to normal tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Healing from grief is not a race, so we will go at your own pace, and we will work together to accomplish your recovery goals. You aren’t alone in this journey, and you don’t need to handle everything by yourself.”

The grief specialist he was seeing was someone he would describe as an “old soul”. She exuded the patience and peace of someone who had watched empires rise and fall, seen the turning of the wheel of time and drifted along with the current. Her voice was deep, rich in emotion and empathy for those who needed guidance, calming and intriguing with a soft lilt on her vowels. Timeless and ancient all in one, and even if he wasn’t actually mourning the death of his wife, he did find himself deeply grieving being without her. They were two halves of a whole, and though his soul was at a loss without its partner here, he still had their greatest creation, their pride and joy, their baby girl to raise.  

He would do whatever he had to do to be the best parent he could for Missy. And so, if meeting with a physiatrist every week was something that would help, then he would be here, every week. He'd learn to live with his grief, his sadness and loneliness, with just the memory of his Everything, and he’d help their kid with all hers too.  

It’s what he promised to do, after all.

“If anything ever happens to me, you’ll just have to love her enough for the both of us.”  

---

There was nothing they could recover of the people closest to centre of the explosion. No remains, no blood, nothing. Like they hadn’t been there at all.  

Suspicious.

Upper Management had brought in a team of private investigators to handle the case, people who would keep the details quiet and the public appeased with what little information they’d choose to release.  

Marcus was a superhero, and sure, his job was to hit things until they weren’t a problem anymore, but he couldn’t understand why all the highly trained professionals didn’t question the sheer amount of evidence that just wasn’t adding up.  

He tried to bring up the inconsistencies once with the lead investigator, but they had just given the distraught, widowed husband, so lost in his own denial and grasping at straws, a sad smile and told him they would do everything they could to find the truth for him and the rest of the victims’ families.

Typical.

After being brushed off without a second thought, he decided to keep his ideas quiet, and since they’d proven their unwillingness to listen, he’d just have to solve the mass disappearance himself.  

“Have you ever thought about how to commit the perfect murder, mi amor? I have. First: If there’s no body, they can’t prove the person is dead. No evidence of death? No murder. Simple. But of course, completely vanishing a full human would be a challenge. Short of having the superpowers necessary to, like, erase someone from reality in their entirety, there would be a lot of chances to leave evidence. Ordering suspicious chemicals leaves a trail, driving out to a pig farm in the middle of the night is shady as hell and all neighbors are professional narcs, and fires? Hah! Do you have any idea how hot the fire needs to be to cremate human remains, and how long they would need to grill for? Huh, maybe the perfect murder isn’t a murder at all...  

Hey babe...  

Always doubt a body, but always doubt no body, more.”

---

You tended to lose time when there was no one else in your room. It was hard to tell when your eyes were open because you started dreaming about the only things you could see since you first woke up: drop-ceiling tiles, white walls, and pale blue curtain dividers. And it was easier that way, in the end. Your heart didn’t hurt when you only dreamt of the room. You couldn’t mourn the things and people only your soul could remember if you thought of the room. Drifting in and out of consciousness was how you were coping.  

---

You had been here, left in this room alone, for ages. You had agreed to help the man who had saved you from the explosion that killed your family, but apparently you couldn’t help him until you had recovered enough. You’d read your charts, grilled your nurses and doctors more and more the longer you were kept here. What were they all waiting for? There was nothing wrong with you except the mild post traumatic amnesia, and the whole not-remembering-much-(or anything, really)-about-your-personal-life-and-family-of-the-recent-few-years thing you had going on. It was nothing compared to when you first awoke and could remember nothing. It killed you to be without the memories of your husband and child, to know only of them instead of actually knowing them, but there was nothing you or the doctors here could do. The brain was a tricky thing, and you had to accept that your memory loss might be permanent.  

That just meant that you had to put all that you could remember to good use. You could help people here, and work towards getting justice for your family. Years and years of school, practical experience and training, you had gained it all back; re-read textbooks and studies, wrote papers on your re-emerging knowledge and jogged your memory about long nights and early mornings, surgeries and follow ups... it was all still in your head. It had returned to you easily, like diving into a cool pool on a hot summer day. It was like coming home and taking off your shoes; it felt good, freeing, as-it-should-be.  

But still they weren’t letting you leave. So: what were they waiting for?  

“Ah, Doctor, it’s lovely to see you, as always. How are we feeling today?” Okay, so the guy who “saved” you (read: paid the people who actually saved your life)  gave you the heebie-jeebies. He looked like a classic pompous asshole bigwig, like, oil tycoon or something. And he definitely had some sort of thing for you. Gross.

“I’m doing as well as can be expected, trapped in a room with nothing to do, you know, brain rotting, et cetera. Thanks for asking.” The sass was a choice, probably not a great choice, but your choice none-the-less. You really hadn’t had many opportunities to choose anything for yourself in a while.  

Well...

You were bored, and that was going to be everyone else’s problem.  

“Ah, well, good news then! You have been cleared from observation and you’ll be able to be discharged soon. Isn’t that just delightful!” Mister Craig (“Please, just Greg is fine”), was some sort of horrible group hallucination, you were convinced. No one was that cheery, that animated, unless they were on something, or you were on something. “I’ll have someone bring you your personal effects shortly, and then I can show you to your new apartment. The complex isn’t in the best neighbourhood unfortunately, but it's got some real charm, very vintage! You’ll love it!”

“I’ll look forward to seeing it then; sounds like it’ll be a real interesting place to stay. You can also explain what it is I’m going to be doing with your organization. Because you haven’t specified yet. And I expect a proper contract and wage agreement. Legally binding preferably, for your sake, of course, Mr. Craig.” Even if you weren’t the most physically intimidating person around, you knew how, and more so, when, to assert your dominance in a conversation. Especially with men like him. He was the type of guy who would pinch a nurse’s ass and then accuse them of not being able to take a joke.  

“You wound me, Doctor, I am a man of integrity! I promised you an opportunity to make a difference! To get justice for the loved ones so cruelly torn from you! You have nothing to worry about!”  

Sounds legit. Totally above board. Can’t wait.

---

Taglist (omg!! thanks love): @killtherandomness​

Drop me a line if you want to be added <3

[iwillgetridofyourangerforyou]

If it’s okay to ask - who do you think was responsible for the death of Genos’ family and if Genos does end up confronting the mad cyborg how will you like the battle to happen (cause Genos is obviously going to throw down with em) like do you want the mad cyborg to be a dragon level threat, do you want Genos to beat the mad cyborg on his own and finally get answers etc...? Sorry if someone’s already asked this, just wanted to see what you thought!

No one has directly asked me this before, congrats Anon! You’re the first! And thank you. All I can really give you is my perspective (limited as it is) so enjoy: 

Who do I think is responsible for the death of Genos’ family? 

If OPM was a normal anime or even a normal hero story, that had a limited set of protagonists and a one-dimensional world I would say that the Mad Cyborg is someone we’ve already encountered (possibly even Genos himself) which would be shown in a shocking and dramatic reveal with a lot of hurt feelings to go around etc. But I don’t think that’s the case anymore.

As it is, this universe does not shy away from introducing any number of complex and well-developed characters who could very easily become protagonists in their own right at any time. Additionally, the world itself has been expanding for us past the lonely ghost town of city z to encompass a vast array of complex organizations, cities, and even plants that have been hinted at. That said, I think it's very likely that we haven’t met the “Mad Cyborg” yet.

What do I think is likely to in the ‘Mad Cyborg’ arc? 

There is a motif in this anime about unattainable goals, or empty goals, or goals that result in emptiness. ( Sonic’s goal of defeating Saitama. Suiryu’s pursuit of strength for hedonism. Garou’s goal of becoming a Monster to defeat all Monsters and Heros. Saitama’s goal of becoming the strongest hero leaving him feeling empty. ) Everyone has or had a goal to get to where they are and what those goals are say a lot about that character. If I add my interpretation to this motif I would say that one of the things that the author is exploring is that ‘even though your goals didn’t pan out the way you hoped, doesn’t necessarily mean the journey wasn’t worth it.’ 

What I am trying to say is that I think that Genos is about to face a deep emptiness in his road before he finds peace. Three possibilities with similar results:

1. Things continue as they are. 

No resolution is a type of resolution. Genos emptiness in his pursuit of the unattainable will continue to consume him until he accepts that the reality that he might not ever obtain a resolution in the way he wants. The idea that someone who is facing trauma can’t begin to recover without externally confronting what’s hurt them is a bit limiting. I think internally confronting and overcoming where your pain is coming from is way more bad-ass. 

2. Genos faces the Mad Cyborg. 

I worry that if Genos faces the Mad Cyborg in the wrong headspace he may be consumed by his desire for vengeance that he COULD possibly maybe monster-fy. In which case I would hope/expect Saitama to talk him down and bring him back. 

Alternatively and possibly as heavy, when/if Genos defeats the Mad Cyborg he would face the emptiness of having accomplished the goal he poured his whole body and soul into and then he’ll have to answer the following terrifying questions for himself “was it worth the sacrifice?” and “what do I do now?”

3. There is no Mad Cyborg for Genos to face*

If the goal Genos has been pursuing so long is stripped away how will he respond? He’ll immediately be confronted with the questions “was it worth the sacrifice?” and “what do I do now?” but this time in the context of knowing he cannot have the type of resolution he’s expecting. 

I think any single or any combination of those three possibilities are more ‘on brand’ than most of the conspiracy theories I’ve been caught up in in the past. I think that Genos will be forced to stop and ask himself what he really wants out of his life. 

You ask me what I want?

What I want is mostly irrelevant to the story at hand and it might be a bit hard for fans to swallow, but what I want is for Genos to use a little empathy to forgive the Mad Cyborg for what happened, not for the Mad Cyborg’s sake I still want justice to be done there! but for Genos’ sake, I want him to build his peace from the inside out, not from the outside in. If it was as they imply, that the cyborg went crazy due to the cybernetic implants being rejected, as a cyborg himself Genos is in a perfect place to understand and this pain on some level. I would like Genos to go back to his village and get a bit of closure, say goodbye to his family again, and be grateful for the time he did have with them. I think that only after Genos is able to choose to walk the path of recovery will he be equipped to enact True Justice when the time requires it. And do I ever want to see Genos put the “Mad Cyborg” in his place! but not for vengeance.

At the time that Genos faces the Mad Cyborg I want him to defeat him effortlessly even if they’re at Dragon Level. I want him to have grown to the point where he no longer Needs to defeat the Mad Cyborg so he can be whole again. I want him to defeat the Mad Cyborg because it’s the right thing to do because taking him down will protect other people from experiencing the same fate he experienced. When/if he faces Mad Cyborg I want him to be in a place where he’s almost forgotten about Mad Cyborg because he’s achieved a sense of wholeness within himself and a sense of purpose outside of vengeance. I want the conclusion of his revenge story to be a tiny blip on a much greater journey he’s been on since the beginning. 

Also, I would want the fight to be super cool and really highlight in every way how far Genos has come. Yeah, I’d like Mad Cyborg to be maybe a Dragon Level threat because I think Genos could do it eventually. I want it to be flashy and cool looking. I want Genos to walk away without a scratch. I just think that would be so cool. 

Thanks for the Ask! Hope you found it informative. Let me know, do you agree? Do you disagree? What do YOU want to see for Genos? Send me another Ask for clarification if you’d like. 

*POSSIBLE WEBCOMIC SPOILER:

It actually may be hinted at in the webcomic that Mad Cyborg may have already been defeated, possibly even by Saitama before Genos ever showed up.

[fantasy-zelda-blog]

Shards - Kurootsukki angst week 2018

Hello everyone. This is part my one-shot for kurootsukki angst week 2018, and also one chapter of my Haikyuu!! / The Legend of Zelda crossover series. I am writing a bit behind schedule as this one-shot is inspired by prompts of day 1 and 2, respectively break up and sacrifice. Thanks to @chigayuazlin​ and @kuroocult for organizing this amazing event.

To @mitrr and @eroismpro for their constant support. <3

I have never written a sad ending fic in my whole life, will I be able to do that this time?

Enjoy your reading :)

Read it on ao3:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/16287938

An orange-hued light was coming through the patio doors, so gentle that his eyes didn’t need to adjust to it. Tsukishima left the door slightly ajar behind him. Should Akaashi wake up, he would be by his side in just seconds, ready to comfort him again. He sat on the floor of the hallway, knees drawn up and palms pressed against the cool surface beneath him. He could feel the pleasant warmth of the desert dawn, giving him a bit of relief as he settled his shoulders and head against the wall. Try as he might to stop the flood of questions Bokuto’s words generated, his mind was throbbing with worry.

He heard a twinkling bell, a long shadow soon advanced toward him. He sighed, not knowing if he should be happy or sad. A pair of golden, slitted eyes looked at him and blinked a couple of times. Wasn’t it ironic that his mind wandered to when he accepted his lover’s proposal? Tsukishima snorted. He stretched his legs and reached out to scratch under his new guest’s chin, who immediately purred. “Come on,” he sat it down on his lap then started to pet its black fur. The cat offered his belly and closed his eyes. “Brave like a panther in battle, but a scaredy cat when it comes to serious talking, uh?”

Golden tendrils enveloped the pet and Tsukishima’s fingers now carded through dark-ink bed hair. “Do we need to talk?” Kuroo asked, panic marring his features. His mind must have been as tired as Tsukishima’s one. “You could easily guess what I think.” Seeing that he elicited no answer, he kept speaking from Tsukishima’s lap. “I think Bokuto is the dumbest and most stubborn person we’ve ever met. He crushed Akaashi’s heart in the stupidest way and I’m so...” Kuroo covered his face with both his hands, dragging them down when he spoke again “... so angry at him that it’s a good thing he flew away.”

They fell silent for a bit. Far noises of the house starting its day were a comforting soundtrack. Some birds on a rare, nearby tree engaged in a singing contest, their soft melody louder than anything else. Tsukishima’s thighs were becoming a bit numb. Not a chance his mind would become equally deprived of sensation and find a bit of peace. His soul, indeed, was a battlefield. Whatever he could choose to do, someone would suffer. If he kept dating Kuroo, Bokuto’s best friend, he would constantly remind Akaashi of his lost lover. But would it be any better if he broke up with Kuroo in order to let any traces of Bokuto disappear from Akaashi’s life?

He only wanted to curl up somewhere and cry. “Tetsurou, I can’t do this to Akaashi.” Kuroo sat up but Tsukishima slumped down his head. A warm hand stroked his hair, “You think Akaashi would be happier seeing the both of us heartbroken?” Kuroo sounded almost disappointed by Tsukishima’s way of reasoning. “Of course not,” he moved away from Kuroo’s touch. “But it would be a constant stab to his heart if we kept seeing each other. Bokuto brought you here, Bokuto played matchmaker for us-” “Bokuto will be back soon when what triggered his absurd panic is stone dead,” Kuroo said with finality. “I know it will take time for Akaashi to forgive him, but they are meant to be together,” he muttered, “just as you and me.” Tsukishima’s lap was again occupied by Kuroo’s head, who took a strange interest at the ceiling and started to frown at it.

Tsukishima felt all the more shattered, sensing how much Kuroo believed in their own love and was sorry for him as well. Tsukishima had indeed talked with Bokuto, and he was sure Kuroo had too because he witnessed them arguing the last night. But Kuroo evidently didn’t want to accept his friend’s decision.

When Tsukishima met Bokuto for the first time, they were kids. Bokuto was smaller than average young owls and so insecure that he quite never shapeshifted into a human and just kept staring at Akaashi. He followed the young prince everywhere, at a distance, thinking he was not noticed. It wasn’t impossible not to grow fond of the shy owlet who became Akaashi’s not so secret admirer. Besides, they owed it to his constant night patrolling near Akaashi’s chambers and to his courage that back then Akaashi survived. He already loved him to the point he disregarded his own life in order to save him.

Tsukishima shook his head, “He will not come back. He knows he will put Akaashi in grave danger if he stays by his side.” Tsukishima shivered at the memory of Bokuto’s words. “Grave danger?” Kuroo asked incredulously, “I thought you wouldn’t care about superficial diplomatic shit, Kei..” Tsukishima closed his eyes. “He didn’t tell you...” “Of course he did tell me. But, Kei, you can’t possibly think that the Ritos would break their alliance with your realm only because Bokuto, their champion, could one day have a lovers’ quarrel with your prince Akaashi, whom Bokuto just chose as his betrothed, to boot.” Kuroo nervously waved his hands as he talked. “Bokuto panicked because he is overprotective of Akaashi and couldn’t stand the thought of any diplomatic issues stemmed from their eventual breakup. This is insane, only Bokuto could come up with this sort of thoughts. Why would you think so negatively right from the start? Why would they ever break up, they’re two peas in-” It was hard to interrupt Kuroo’s rant. “No, Tetsurou, he really didn’t tell you anything.” “Tell me what?” Worried by the recurrent statement, Kuroo brought his hand to Tskukishima’s face. Kuroo’s thumb stroked his cheek, and it immediately tingled in a pleasant way. In a too familiar, soothing way. Kuroo the cat wasn’t going to make it easy for him. He considered to back away again, however, his greedy side made him lean into it.

Tsukishima glanced to the side and whispered, “He foresaw it, he dreamt it, Tetsurou, he dreamt him…” Finally, he cried, thankful he had long learnt to do it silently. Even if Kuroo promptly hugged and cradled him, he didn’t want to acknowledge the fact tears were streaming down his face, that his nose became stuffy and his head heavy, as though only sobbing could reveal he was a crying mess. Kuroo tightened his hold, Tsukishima could feel his hot cheeks against his shoulder. “Kei, please, please, tell me what he dreamt.” But from the way Tsukishima hiccupped, Kuroo must have understood and didn’t ask anymore. When he was sure he could talk, Tsukishima spoke again with a thin voice. “I can’t encourage him to ignore what he foresaw.” “I know,” Kuroo murmured. He was probably trying to accept the idea that the four of them would never again be together in the same room, that their mutual friendship was in tatters. And the worst part was that they shouldn’t try to piece together its shards.

But Tsukishima had to steel his resolve, “I can’t go happily around with you by my side. ” Kuroo exhaled a long breath. “We will give Akaashi time to heal.” He kissed his neck and left his lips there, his breath fanning over Tsukishima’s skin. “I’ll wait for you.”

Tsukishima opened his eyes. No one was around. Akaashi had ordered not to disturb him the whole day. No sound came from the room to his right nor the daylight reached its interior through the door Tsukishima left open just a crack. He entwined one hand with Kuroo’s long fingers and with the other he coaxed Kuroo out of his hiding place. “Kei,” Kuroo pleaded. As if it was a forbidden gesture, at first their lips met softly. After some minutes, though, they became hungrier, spiralling down the pit of their love, driven by passion and desperation.

A gust of southern wind swiped the floor and brought inside some dry leaves. At their rustling, Tskukishima gently pushed on Kuroo’s arms to break the kiss. Dust floated in the air, heavy with a bit of sand, a perfect, warm-toned background for the man in front of him. Kuroo’s hair was messier than ever as if matching his internal struggle, his smile loop-sided yet unsure, his eyes watery and his nose red as a cherry, how could Tsukishima shatter the heart of a guy near to his breaking point? He avoided his gaze once more and with trembling hands he removed the bracelet Kuroo gifted him as a seal of his love, “Take care of it for me.” Kuroo sagged on himself and grabbed Tsukishima’s wrists. He begged, openly crying, “no, Kei, please, no...”  “I can’t ask you to wait for me, Kuroo.” He inhaled deeply as he sensed Kuroo stiffen and heard him make a strangled sound. He quickly added, “but I can let the choice to you at one condition.”

Had it been any other circumstance, it would have been hilarious the way Kuroo sniffled and craned his neck. He looked at Tsukishima full of hope and eagerly nodded, not daring to speak. “You still have to be our Sheika ambassador but you will not visit us for at least one year.” He gulped down the lump which was strangling his throat. “I-I will be in charge of receiving your updates through letters until… Gods! I can’t tell you when we can properly be together again… Akaashi has loved Bokuto since we were kids, you know?” Kuroo cackled. Tsukishima couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Kuroo doubled in laughter, even heaved for breath. “You,” he tried to recompose himself, “you scared me to death, Kei!” Annoyed by the strange reaction he caused, Tsukishima swatted Kuroo’s head more than once. Kuroo grasped his forearms and kissed the back of his left hand before pulling him into his lap. Tsukishima was straddling Kuroo’s thighs, facing him. If Akaashi witnessed them right now, their public display of affection would crush him. So much for trying to protect him. Tsukishima felt incredibly uncomfortable at that mere thought and wiggled in Kuroo’s hold, who in any case didn’t loosen his grip on him.

“I thought you were set to get rid of me for good,” he said, now calm, almost sad. “But I will always love you, I would have in any case.” Looking him in the eyes, he muttered, “I believe you’re too smart to misunderstand the meaning of ‘forever’.” “Idiot, don’t remind this kind of promise while we are breaking up!” But it was clear that no heat animated Tskushima’s words. “We’re not!” Kuroo protested. “We are!” Tsukishima rebutted. While he squeezed Tsukishima more fiercely than before, Kuroo saw Akaashi standing by the slightly ajar door, a hand clasping it for purchase. The light was enough to let him see Akaashi mouthing the words “Love him, please.” Only when Kuroo gave him a nod, Akaashi retreated into his room.

[84reedsy]

Betray/Forgive - Part 2 - A Bam Brown Fan Fiction

Enjoy the finale!

Pairing: Joshua Bam Bam Brown/OC

Rating: R (suggestive content)

She’d doubted that he’d find her out in the cavernous hills of the Rockies. She’d stayed put for 3 weeks. Surviving on only what whe’d brought or what she could forage. It was the reason she’d come to this place. She had another week to go and initially was feeling wonderful. She’d willed herself passed the feeling of being used and discarded. She’d thought a time or two to descend back into the valley, into the town and confront him and tell this woman what exactly her significant other had been up to, but she’d decided against it.

She wondered if she knew. If they had some sort of agreement and she already knew about her. What if he told her what they did and laughed about her technique or…or something. She didn’t want to face further humiliation so she let it go. She let it go. She tried to let him go.

It was difficult to fathom, but the hardest thing was shaking memories of him. She couldn’t figure it, they’d spent less than a full 24 hours in each other’s company yet she still felt as if she missed him.

“How can I miss someone I don’t even know…” She surmised aloud to the crackling fire in front of her. It did not provided an answer other than to slowly turn another log to ash. She threw a stick into the flame, frustrated.

“Lexi….you fool…” she said watching the flames choreograph their own moonlit dance.

Near the ending of the third week, she was wondering if she could even finish the next week she’d had planned; for a few days now she’d been periodically down. She worried she’d contracted some bug, some parasite or had eaten a misidentified leaf. But she would then suddenly feel better. The inconsistency baffled her, however throwing up every morning was beginning to take it’s toll.

As she decided to call the trip early, she had a dreaded thought. She paused in the middle of rolling her sleeping bag. No she thought, No, no, no, no, no!

“I…how could I have been so stupid!” She yelled at herself, her only audience was the cold, stony faces of rock that surrounded her, only echoing her frustrations.

Back in civilization, at her new place that she’d settled only weeks before taking off on her trip, she stared at the pregnancy test and it’s two glaringly blue lines. And there it was, another plus. She flung it into the sink basin, where it clacked against the other dozen or so tests she’d taken throughout the day. All of them. Every.last.one. Was positive.

She slunk to the floor. What was she going to do. Here she was, alone in a new city, a new state. She didn’t have the mentality to be a mother right now. This was not anything like what she was expecting. The move to Denver had been about new beginnings that were her choice, HER decisions. She was for once in life putting herself first. She was in no position to take care of a baby. Tears flowed from her eyes but she knew she was getting rid of it. Termination was her only option right now. The thought tore at her soul; it wasn’t that she didn’t want kids. She did. But she wanted them to be with someone she loved and respected and reciprocated those feelings. Not someone who used her for sexual amusement in the absence of his full time lover.

She had a short window and the cost, thanks to the bureaucracy, was astronomical. She gripped the pamphlet in her hand as the doctor gave her a rundown of options. She could pay for it, but then be strapped for months while she hoped no other emergencies occurred and would have to work overtime just to make ends meet…maybe. The doctor was very kind, and gently suggested that often the cost is supplemented by the other party. The other party. In order to do this she’d have to find him and ask for the money. Ask. The thought was ridiculous. He was just as responsible yet here she’d have to beg him to help her.

It was that or adoption. She made a deal with herself that she’d face him, she’d ask, but if he refused, she’d suffer through the pregnancy alone and give it up for adoption. She hoped it would stop there. She didn’t want him to have it. The thought of him using her as a baby machine turned her stomach even more than the turkey sandwich she’d just regurgitated. She shook the image of Bam and that woman cooing over a baby that she’d made, coveting it.

“Stop it….stop thinking like that. He’ll want this gone. He’ll want to move on from his mistake and make it go away,” She pep talked herself, “Just like I do…”

But there was something inside her, a small voice in her head that didn’t agree. A small voice energized each day as her endless nights of dreams concluded each morning. Dreams of Bam, remorseful and humbled, begging her forgiveness but insistent that his feelings were genuine. Each dream, each night seemed to rub a bigger and bigger ache in her heart. She tried to write it off as hormonal, knowing the dreams felt to real to be entirely fiction.

“Maybe he’s having the dreams too,” her subconscious reasoned, “Maybe he’s trying to reach you the only way he can.”

She shrugged off the thoughts as she finally boarded the train bound for Cortez. He’d said they lived nearby, maybe she’d run into him again as easily as she had the first time. Though she was sure this time he wouldn’t follow at such a distance; he’d either approach her immediately or possibly run for the hills.

She tried to let the visually stunning images she passed distract her mind from the task at hand, enjoying the low cost and better views that train travelling afforded her.

It did little to vacate her thoughts. Every grove of evergreens reminded her of their picnic in the woods. How he’d tenderly catered to her, refusing reciprocation. She scolded herself as she realized she was grinning at the memory.

“Perv…” She mumbled, trying to write him off.

When she arrived in the town, it was quiet. She didn’t expect much in the middle of the week, the busy tourist season already past. The streets had just a handful of people. The wind had just the slightest cool to it, but the overhead sun kept the day from being unpleasant.

She felt a little foolish now. Her plan ended here. She had no idea how to find him, she wasn’t even sure she could find a phone book and if they were even listed at that. She surely doubted it. She wandered the streets for a couple of hours, window shopping at all the places she’d seen this past summer. She felt a sense of guilt and longing as she passed a baby boutique, quickly leaving.

She sighed as she reached the end of the downtown area, the trailhead of the hike they took was dead ahead past the parking lot. She turned the other way, unable to think of the moments again. And there he was.

Walking up the street with a coffee in his hand. He was alone, he looked almost sullen. Her extremities went numb. His hair was down, long and flowing, even with sunglasses on she could see his perma-scowl, the one she’d lightly teased him about.

As she willed herself to move, she was stricken with fight or flight, her toes itching to carry her away from the impending confrontation. But her heels felt like lead weights. Somehow her feet moved, she was almost surprised to realize they were carrying her towards him. After only a few steps, she stopped as he looked up. His scowl disappeared as his face went blank. He turned almost paler than normal.

“You…” He almost mumbled, taking a few more steps towards her, “You…You’re here…” It was then she noticed his face almost looked relieved. Relieved? Surely she was reading him wrong.

“Yes, I am. I have something I need to talk to you about. It’s important.” She tried to make it sound business-like, but he stared at her as if she were heaven-sent. And he kept moving slowly to her.

THe slowness gave way to a sudden movement as she felt his body press to hers. His arms were around her and she felt his rough, bearded cheek against her ear as he embraced her. She was so shocked by this that her arms hung limply at her sides.

“I was hoping you would come back. I was. I needed to tell you so much, I needed to explain.” He murmured into her ear. She tried to maintain her strong front, nudging out of his embrace.

“I need to tell you something, too. I need to say mine first.” She tried to remain as businesslike as possible, “I’m…Bam, I’m pregnant.” The words left her, but she felt like a 3rd person in her own body as they came from her mouth.

His body went slack as the words sunk in. He stuttered out, “P-Pregnant? Wow….really? Pregnant?” She had expected anger, worry, indifference, but awestruck? She wasn’t prepared for his lack of indignance. His hand slid backwards over his hair, repeating the word to himself as if it would make it more real.

“Yes. Pregnant. I came to you….well…because I need $500 to…to get rid of it. For an abortion.” The words were harsh from her own admission. She cringed internally. But she needed to be blunt, as devoid of emotion as possible if she wanted to make it out of this with any scrap of dignity.

“It’s $1000…since it’s half yours, I think it’s only fair you pay half.” She reasoned as if she were asking to split the cost of dinner.

“Get rid of it? You…you’re getting an abortion?” The sadness on his face surprised her as well.

“I don’t want to raise a bastard child of an adulterer.” She wanted him to get upset, she didn’t want it to be amicable. She wanted a reason to hate him. She needed a reason to hate him.

“Hey…don’t.” He sounded as if he warning her, “It’s not what it seems like. And….really, you’re pregnant?”

She was tiring of his surprise and his lack of panic. She’d hoped this would throw him for a loop, rock his world, upend all of his plans like it was about to do for her.  

“Are you going to give me the money or not.” She didn’t need to know about his life, she didn’t want explanations or details. She wanted $500.

“Can we please, go somewhere? Talk about this?” He sounded pleading now, “ I’ve …I’ve been looking for you…for weeks. Please.”

“Is that code? Looking for another easy lay? Gonna cash in your chips and ask me to blow you?” She put up a facade with her crudeness, not wanting him to trigger her bleeding heart.

“Stop.” He said it with a demanding tone, taking a step towards her. He softened slightly as if begging for her to soften for only a moment, “You weren’t that to me. You were more than that. Things are complicated. Please let me explain.”

She huffed in aggravation. She rolled her eyes and looked off to the side, anything to emit a feeling of annoyance. But she couldn’t deny him. As much as she hated herself for it, she just could not bring herself to reject him completely.

“Fine.”

He took her a different way from the trail, walking along a road abandoned years ago that led into the forest. The cracks in the worn pavement housed sprung plants and creeping vines sprawled as nature was taking back the path. The road looked as broken and worn as she felt. She listened quietly as he explained that the girl she’d seen with him, his wife, had cheated on him, continuously.

He’d wanted a family and she’d agreed to try. It never happened and after medical intervention, it was discovered that it wouldn’t happen. She couldn’t bear him children. He’d been broken hearted over that fact, but remained committed to her.

She however felt that with not having to worry herself with pregnancies, she was free to sexually gratify herself with any man she came across it seemed. Each time she’d apologize, and wail her undying love and manipulate him into staying. Each man had a different excuse for why. Each one broke him a little more inside.

He told her he’d stopped caring about being true to her; his love for her was broken and he’d told her so that last day when she’d arrived. When Lexi had fled to the hills. Her name was Amanda and she did not respond well. She spent days refusing to leave, even at his insistence.

“It was very confusing,” he said, “ For her to be so committed to remaining with me, but refusing to hold herself accountable for any of it.

“You helped me make that decision, you know.” He looked at her, a small smile on his lips. She did not smile back, she did not want him to know, to believe that he brought her any joy. Her mind flashed an image of joy he’d brought her as she writhed on the picnic blanket, his words praising her taste.

She shook it from her memory, angry that she’d let that surface.

“I helped you? Apparently I am just all sorts of help.” She tried to be snide, but it came off more sad and dejected.

“You did. Even when things were good. At their best. Even when we met. I never felt…I never felt what I should have. I thought she was love, I thought she was what I wanted. But I was really, really wrong.

“When I saw you…I realized any other woman in my life had been a mistake. I’ve been looking for you to tell you that.” He was shaking a little. He hid his trembling fingers in his pockets.

“You expect me to believe that you realized you loved me that fast.” She scoffed again, immediately regretting it when she saw the pained expression cross his face and the lump in his throat he swallowed.

“I don’t expect you to believe me, or forgive me…but I had to tell you.” He looked defeated, his shoulders slumped, “You mean…you really didn’t feel it too?” He looked a little hopeful but like he was preparing for those hopes to be dashed. “I thought…I thought maybe you’d been having the dreams too…”

She shivered. The dreams. The same dreams?

“Dreams?” She couldn’t help herself, she had to know.

“Yes. Every night, you’re in them. I beg you to forgive me every night. Sometimes you forgive me…sometimes not,” he swallows again, “ But I see you in them so vividly, it’s like you were real. Even though my heart broke half the time, I still got to see you every night.”

She tried to steady her rapid breathing. The same dreams, they’d had the same dreams. She hated the nights she’d dreamt she’d forgiven him, because her heart ache in the morning was that much worse.

“Are you going to give me the money?” She asked again, but her voice wavered as she asked, not nearly as strong and unmoving as she’d wanted it to be.

He took his sunglasses off, replacing them with his wire-rimmed frames. His eyes, he was much more human now that she could see them.

“She’s gone. She’s out of my life. I know…I know I fucked up. But please…give me a chance not to lose you, too.”

“Lose me? Bam we weren’t even together. There wasn’t an us to lose.” She sounded as if she were trying to convince herself just as much as him.

“Maybe,” he continued as if he didn’t believe she was convinced either, “ Maybe that little baby…that life inside of you is the universe’s way of telling us that this is worth trying.”

“That sounds far-fetched.” She hugged her arms around her, as if the motion would protect her from feeling any more emotions. Her eyes looked away, unable to look into his deep blue eyes and not yearn for him.

“Maybe. Maybe it is. But…you consume me, Lexi. I can’t ignore that. I dreamed of us. I dreamed of a baby, a child. We were so happy.” He reached for her, his fingers grazing her skin.

She felt a hot tear escape her eyes as she remembered the same dream. Laid out again on a picnic blanket, but this time with a toddler. He laid on his side, she laid with her head resting on his stomach as the child toddled towards them, wobbly and unsure, but smiling and happy. Bam retold the dream as if he’d been inside her own head.

“You know. You had it too, didn’t you?” He reached for her hand, taking it in his. Her non-response answered his question.

“I was so mad at you, Bam.” She sniffled as she fought back a sob, “I felt so much for you. I knew it was foolish….after one day. But then I saw you and her….you have no idea…how shitty that made me feel.”

He looked pained again, but nodded, letting her finish. His thumb rubbed the top of her hand the entire time.

“And then getting pregnant on top of all of that. My life has been a mess since I met you. And all I want is for that to stop.” a few more tears flowed down her cheeks.

“Let me help. Let me make it right, let me try, please.” He boldly reached up to her cheek with his thumb, wiping a tear track away. When she didn’t reject him, he slowly sank to his knees.

“I will do anything, anything if you’ll just give me a chance. GIves us a chance,” He took a big breath, letting a shaky one back out. He lifted his hand and placed it on her stomach, “Give this baby a chance.”

Suddenly she couldn’t remember her plans. The careful plan she’d figured for herself. It all blurred away. All she could see now was him, in front of her, begging for her love. She felt his hand against her belly, his touch igniting a realization inside her. She realized what she’d been fighting all this time. All the words of hatred she’d spewed was a lie, it was just her trying to convince herself of what she knew was true. She’d fallen in love with a man she’d known for 20 hours. Running was easy when she thought she couldn’t have him. But now here he was offering himself, risking humility and she couldn’t find one single iota of her being that wanted to run.

“You are crazy.” She bit her lip, overwhelmed, “What if…what if it doesn’t work.”

He looked down at the dirt for a moment, collecting himself before returning his gaze to her.

“Then we tried. And as for the baby. No matter what I will always be there for it. I’ll support you any way I can….even if we aren’t together.”

She knew a lot of guys said things like that, but not all of them followed through. But something about the sincerity in his voice, the mistiness in his eyes stifled her worry.

They walked out of the woods, back into the town a few minutes later, this time hand in hand. She felt emotionally raw. He gently spoke when he did speak to her, but mostly was silent, not wanting to push her too much. He watched as she placed her own hand on her stomach as they walked, rubbing it.

She realized she hadn’t done that at all since she’d found out she was pregnant. She never contemplated actually keeping it, having it, raising it. Even though her heart was a jumble, she had a feeling deep inside of her that surmised that indeed, everything would be alright.  Maybe he will care for her like he said. Maybe they will make a beautiful little family. Maybe this is the universe crashing them together for the sake of both of them. Maybe the universe was right after all.

[grace52373]

Rumbelle Growing Up and Growing Together!

I am borrowing part of a title from a Roswell fanfic that I loved and read several times, because it demonstrates what this meta is going to be about.

I am not labeling this anti-rumple or anti-belle because it isn’t but issues they both have and things they have done will be discussed and criticized with the writers drawing the majority of the criticism so if this isn’t your cup of tea, don’t read it or worse, read it and call me anti belle or anti rumple.

Adam and Eddie tend to be tell and not show writers which gets them into a ton of trouble and makes it hard for writing true redemption stories because we fans have to infer and guess things we shouldn’t have to which leads to arguments and disagreements.

Adam and Eddie wanted Rumple to be their backdoor or go to villain when they need one which would have been fine if the Rumbelle ship didn’t take off. Because it did, this was the time for the writers to sit down and right a decent redemption story not with Belle as moral compass but as a support and a character in her own right. As we all laminate, they didn’t do that and did serious damage to Belle’s character and motivations as well as Rumples and their relationship.

Rumple is the dark one, a villain but has something of a line he won’t cross and often does wrong things for the right reasons. He fits the Beast character well because he has a great evil inside of him but it is the wise Belle that sees through that and encouraged the best of Rumple. Somehow around season 2, Belle ceased being a support and became a moral compass and at times an enabler. I love Rumple but let’s face it, he screwed up a lot. He lied, he manipulated, and he showed no decency except to Belle until season 4. 

Belle claimed she knew what she was getting into but she went from being the wise woman to an emotionally manipulative one aka moral compass. Beauty was never intended to be a moral compass to the beast, she was meant to be an inspiration. A woman who took the time to get to know the beast and did not judge him harshly. Belle started out that way but ended up stuck in a never ending cycle with her being the moral one and walking out when Rumple didn’t do what she wanted. this hurt her and her character. In a way, Belle was right in saying she lost herself in helping Rumple but he never asked her to. Adam and Eddie turned her into Jimmy Cricket and didn’t bother to flesh out her own character thus making her the one-dimensional put upon wife of Rumple which wasn’t fair to either of them. 

There is so much they could have done with Belle. Meghan Ory talked about a storyline of Belle and Ruby being friends and solving mysteries surrounding SB. Instead both characters were fridged as were all of Belle’s relationships outside of Rumple except for one used to hurt Rumple but I will get into that later on. My main problem is, we have little backstory on Belle that shows superficial explanations as to who this woman was and did a disservice to Emilie and her character. That is on the writers along with the fights between the fans who feel like they are watching  strangers and those fans who would leap to heights of outrageous canon judgment! If they had taken time with Belle and Rumple’s stories separately along with them as a couple, we wouldn’t have this fight. 

Now that that is out of the way here is my views on how both Rumple and Belle grew these past two seasons. There isn’t much to go on, so I am going to try to stick to canon in how they have both grown.

Rumple, once a savior, cut off from that and raised by an uncaring, abusive father until he is abandoned to the spinsters who I feel have had a huge impact on Rumple. I think it is the spinsters that not only gave him their trade but also gave him some semblance of stability and taught the importance of family. Rumple always wanted a family and looking at his background, it makes sense. Unfortunately, he marries Milah, a selfish, self-centered woman who upon hearing her husband left the battle, abused him ruthlessly and abandoned her own son for a pirate who promised a life of adventure at sea! Rumple maimed himself (boy did that take courage) in order to give his child what he didn’t have, a father and he paid a terrible price for it. Rumple was never a coward but years of hearing it from his wife and neighbors made him internalize that word and stifled him from being brave or seeing himself and what he does as brave. This causes him trouble for many years. That I have to say whether purposefully or by accident, A & E got right about a man like Rumple. Years of mental cruelty does make it so a person internalizes it and believes they are so and it takes years to overcome! Rumple eventually becomes the DO in order to save his son. Was it the right choice? No but it was for selfless reasons. Rumple took this burden and saved his son and many children thus becoming a hero but also chained himself to a terrible evil that demanded a price for everything. this evil preyed on his mind and his fears and took control. Rumple’s strength of character, his love for his son and eventually Belle helped him to overcome it until Bae’s death and his imprisonment. After that, Rumple trusted no one and went on a downward spiral that almost destroyed his soul and took his life. This choice, and taking the curse back again even though Emma’s plan would have failed and not informing Belle right away are mistakes he made that would have been better if he was just honest about himself. He was always self-fulfilling his own prophecy that he is a difficult man to love. At times even understanding him, you wanted to shake him especially when he trapped Belle aboard the ship. Yes he wanted to protect her but he didn’t go about it the right way. I know in many cases Belle also made mistakes and both their mistakes contributed to the near destruction of their love and marriage but I will get to that later. Rumple’s faults aren’t being a coward but giving into his fears and the masks he wears along with his tendency to lash out when someone threatens him and his loved ones.

By season 6 and 7 we see a more mature Rumple. he is seeing his own value and he is seeing that he is not a monster and is defending himself. he is making his own choices without guidance and is making better choices. he has grown out of that cycle of lies and masking things and has become honest, brutally so! he still has that dangerous edge from the curse but they no longer control him, he controls them! Rumple finally grew up and despite the pain and hard lessons learned, he has become a better man.

Rumple it is easier to relate to and understand because we see his pov and his past. In Belle’s case we don’t see the same which is why Rumple is more understood by the audience than Belle is. 

Now onto Belle. What do we know about her? She hates being controlled! She tries to be brave and she wants to control her own life. She loves her mother and misses her and feels guilt over her death and has had no closure and neither have we! She is looking for true love, the real thing. She is intelligent and not superficial. She is obsessed with being a hero because of her mother and the guilt she feels over her mother’s death(her mom would still be alive if she hadn’t saved that ogre and went back for a book) even if it is undeserved. She craves adventure and wants to see the world. Now between you and me, I think it is a freakin miracle Rumple fell for her! why do you ask? Because, and don’t get your panties in an uproar, she is similar to Milah and Cora. Now before you start throwing things, let me explain. All three women wanted better for themselves. Milah and Belle craved adventure and a way to be more than just wives and mothers, all three are impulsive, Milah and Belle moreso than Cora, and all three are strong-willed. All three are attracted to the dark.

 Now that I have your attention let me say that despite being similar, Rumple saw the BIG DIFFERENCE  between Milah and Cora and Belle and it is simple. Belle is a selfless, loving person who when in love will be a loyal and a strong wife, partner, and mother! Belle would never throw someone over for power and she would never abandon her family (She gave Gideon up to protect him and even though we know she was wrong, it was a selfless act), and she values others before herself. Something Cora and Milah would never do! Belle, even though I don’t agree with it, gave up her true love and exiled him to protect others. She constantly puts others before herself which can be a flaw at times but not a terrible one. Belle has the biggest heart of anyone on the show. She is forgiveness and light and strong in order to overcome what she has overcome. She is strong enough and brave enough to admit she was wrong and she changed and for the better. In the end, she sacrificed herself for Rumple and gifted him with the life and family he has always dreamt of. She was also an excellent mother to Gideon and helped raised a son as intelligent and as loving as she is one who was also ready to sacrifice for his parents. 

Like Rumple, Belle has faults. She is insecure and impulsive. She puts others before herself to the detriment of herself. She forgives, except for Rumple, far too easily. She never resents or at least hides her resentment of her being used to others, and she wants to be one of the heroes so much because she wants to be worthy of her mother’s sacrifice that she overlooks her own heroism and her own self and loved ones. 

Belle always stood up for herself and that never changed but once Rumple broke her trust, she refused to listen to him and impulsively banished him with no food, no cane, and only the clothes on his back. That was not heroic, it was cruel! Belle using the dagger to do it despite apologizing for using it before and swearing to never use it again no matter what the reason, is wrong! Rumple is controlled by that dagger, stop him from killing worthless Hook, yes, banishing him without hearing him out and leaving him with nothing was harsh. Belle was angry and she lashed out because she believed the gauntlet shows a person’s weakness which may or may not be their true love and she forgot that not everyone’s weakness is their love. In Rumple’s case and should be in all cases, love is strength. The gauntlet chose the dagger because it is Rumple’s greatest weakness because it turns him into a robot at anyone’s command, not because he loves it. Yes he says he loves power but he loves the security of power, not the power itself. Rumple contributed to that fear of Belle’s that he will always choose power over her by his not explaining himself or the writers not explaining it well!

Belle fancies herself a fixer. She likes being in control and fixing people. That is a flaw. Rumple has the same flaw in wanting to be in control. Belle’s background as a princess or lady without control over her own life and Rumple’s life as a peasant, makes it so they desperately need to be in control to the point it becomes detrimental. 

Take Belle’s whatever relationship with Will. It was a rebound no matter what their shippers say and it also was not healthy for either of them. Belle picked Will because she needed to fix someone and Will was a drinker and a thief. Will was also honest and forthright about who he was and funny too boot and after years of dealing with Rumple’s masks and refusal to open up, Will was a breath of fresh air and someone she could fix. She got him to drink less, hold hands in public, send her flowers, and make her laugh. Will was lonely and wandering through life until Belle took him in hand. They became friends and rushed into a relationship neither was ready for. Both were in love with other people and using each other to get over the loneliness and prove that they were worth more than power (both had spouses who were dark magic practitioners that they both thought at one time, chose power over them which wasn’t true). Yes they laughed and hugged and kissed but it was all superficial and as we saw on their few dates, Will was chafing under this relationship and Belle was going through the motions. Rumple knew Belle’s heart was missing and I think his alerting Will to that and his witnessing Rumple’s love for Belle made him realize that what he and Belle had wasn’t real, not love, not even friendship. They knew nothing about each other. Because of his ignorance, Belle’s heart would still be in Regina’s clutches. Look at Will’s face in that scene, it says it all. In the end, Belle returned to Rumple although actually, she never truly left. Will never touched her heart and she did feel remorse for what she did but it was too late and when Rumple returned, her fears and anger and yes guilt kept her from Rumple except when she went to scold him and seeing him dying and eventually curse free, kept her by his side. 

Another issue is that Belle did commit adultery same as Rumple with Evil Regina in season 6. No it wasn’t emotional adultery or physical adultery except for a few kisses, but it was adultery because Rumple, Belle, and Will were still married. Calling what Rumple did adultery but excusing Belle’s is hypocritical. They either both committed adultery or didn’t. 

Belles’ fears and insecurities and her need to fix people is why she lost herself, not Rumple because he NEVER ASKED HER TO FIX HIM! He wanted her to love him as he was.  Belle’s need to be a hero also caused problems as well. Belle wanted to know everything about Rumple but when he did open up to her, if she didn’t like what she heard or it didn’t fit into her worldview, she walked off in a huff. Rumple being an abandoned child took this as a sign that he can’t be honest with her even if he wants to. I am not saying Belle didn’t have the right to walk off or get mad or even say this is what I can tolerate, this isn’t but she didn’t communicate that to Rumple so he fell into a pattern of lying to protect Belle aka lying to protect himself and Belle fell into a pattern of unknowingly enabling him and making it impossible for him to trust enough to open up. After a year of captivity and torture from the witch, Belle’s first instinct is to stop Rumple from getting his vengeance. She didn’t ask him how he was, didn’t comfort him over Bae, ask him what happened, it was please don’t kill Zelena, your better than that and she had the dagger at the time. Rumple sees that not only do the heroes think he is an out of control monster that needs to be leashed, but his love is more concerned that Zelena lives than what she did to him and his son. That is when Belle broke Rumple’s trust and they fell into the bad habits of emotional manipulation (not consciously on Belle’s part) and lying (on Rumple’s part). 

Than we get to Belle finding out Rumple took back the curse and lied to her and we see Rumple standing up for himself and being as honest as he could be than. It is in later part of season 6 and 7 that he realizes he doesn’t need magic or the dagger. Belle is used to a Rumple who apologizes and makes promises, not to a brutally honest Rumple who told her she is attracted to darkness and the beast part of him and it is true, Belle just doesn’t want to admit it because heroes don’t love beasts. He also tells her, rather misguidedly that he loves the dagger and wants both because he is still holding onto his fears. Than we have the Gaston debacle.

Via flashback, we know Belle took pity on a young ogre, and rightly but in saving the ogre, she ends up inadvertently hurting her kingdom and being forced into a marriage with Gaston whom Belle knows has evil intentions. She also knows he is superficial and wants only glory. Now I think Belle was right to defend the ogre but she is young and insecure and daddy dearest knows exactly which buttons to push to manipulate her into marriage with a true beast! Moe uses her wanting to be a hero and save her land to get her engaged to Gaston and Belle, despite her wanting to be in control of her own fate, capitulates to the detriment of her own and her people’s well being! Rumple did her a favor asking for her as his price. He gave her an out. She could go with Rumple and still be a hero to her people without having a horrible marriage. Belle has a great need to be a hero. Belle was scared at first but as she got to know her future husband, she grew to love him. She was lucky Rumple didn’t live up to his reputation or her need to be a hero would have gotten her killed and at times, almost did.

In Hades, it seems Belle is on a mission to prove to Rumple that good magic will save her son and people can change. sadly she forgot the lessons of the past with Gaston and almost got her husband killed. She arrogantly presumes she can help Gaston, that his unfinished business is about her only to realize she was wrong. Rumple made it worse by not trying it Belle’s way and doing it the DO way. Belle stops her husband and once again uses his dagger to force his capitulation and that act almost gets him killed. Instead, Belle’s heroism saves the day and Gaston pays the ultimate price. Rumple learned his lesson that day and truly tried to do it Belle’s way but Belle, letting her guilt and her fear that Rumple is right about her, goes to the woman who killed Neal and abused Rumple and impulsively puts herself under a sleeping curse. She also assumes Rumple wouldn’t wake her, she was wrong there but she gives him an out in a show of understanding. We also see her black and white view that if a hero does something wrong, it is alright or if they need magic it is alright but if a villain uses it, it is always wrong.

Unfortunately, despite Rumple doing everything to wake her, Belle’s fears do not allow a tlk and when it almost happens in her dreams, she lashes on to a rather shady vision of their son to talk her out of it. Belle awakens and walks out on Rumple without even a hint of thanks and self-righteously makes her way to SB and plays nice with the heroes who don’t give a shit about her or her child. She even knows Hook is hoping to spite Rumple with her staying with him and stays with him anyway and there begins yelling, berating, and arguing anytime they come into contact with a sanity break when she listens to Rumple’s tape for their son and gives him the sonogram after selfishly keeping him from the child, She claims to want him to change and work for them but gives him no chances towards it. Belle during this time is being manipulated by the BF, who is using her fears to control her. Belle is at her most vulnerable during this time period but refuses to talk with Rumple except to yell at him. Rumple reacts by going on the defensive, kissing the EQ and manipulating her and trying to prevent Belle from kidnapping their son. He almost, in a desperate scene, tries to cut his son’s fate but doesn’t. In that moment, Rumple showed his growth but Belle was still stuck in anger and fear to the point, she blames Rumple for aging the child and foolishly giving up her child. Only to later on in a hypocritical moment decide to cut her son’s fate herself because he is after Emma. Belle’s obsession with heroes leads her to name her son after one and put this big expectation on a one hour old infant. It also infers that if he is not a hero, she may walk away from her son or give up. Thankfully she didn’t.

This is where people started comparing Belle to Milah. The constant berating, the walking out when he screws up, her refusal to believe she is wrong and even after getting a curse free Rumple, her abandoning him and eventually her son. I emphatically disagree with this but I know that Belle triggered some of the people in the fandom and I respect that so I will agree to disagree and ask you to do the same. Belle may make mistakes but they are not selfish ones. Even the seemingly selfish ones of her taking the baby away where Rumple couldn’t find him were done to protect Gideon but it was wrong and impulsively done without thought or consideration. Her assertion that Rumple was a beast that her baby was to be protected from was a manipulation by the BF but if Belle was listening to her heart, she would have not fallen for it. I can understand why she didn’t because after getting her heartbroken and her many disappointments in life, she refused to trust herself and it almost destroyed her family.

Belle has faults too and has some fault in her marriage falling apart but thankfully overcame her faults and fought for her love and family.

Season 6 b was the start of the Rumbelle reunion and illustrated this part of the Beauty and Beast song: “Finding you can change, learning you were wrong!” They both helped each other overcome their fears and insecurities and grew together. Belle realized she was a hero already and realized, good/bad/flawed, she loved her son and she would do what it took to save him. She bent and overcame her rigid morality to see that there are shades of gray and she was right to trust in Rumple’s love. Rumple stepped up and fought for his son and his wife and protected them. Belle and Gideon recognized it and accepted that his methods might be unorthodox but it is done out of love. Once Belle stopped being Rumple’s moral compass, it freed him to make his own choices and low and behold, he made good ones. She also gave him the freedom to be honest with her and did not walk away but listened. Belle also freed herself by taking the responsibility of being Rumple conscious off herself and was free to be herself and allowed Rumple to be the strong one. It gave them both the freedom of a good partnership and brought them back together stronger than ever.

In season 7, we saw a loving couple who were in sync much like Snow and Charming and happily raising their son. I saw Rumple give Belle her fondest dream and I saw Belle sacrifice to give Rumple his freedom from the curse. I saw two happy people grow old together, have adventures, and make a happy home. Belle wasn’t just a housewife, she and Rumple built that place together to retire in after years of raising their son and seeing the world. I saw two people so in love, they were inseparable. Age mattered not, only love. I saw two people look at each other and not see the flaws and faults but just beauty as the show was aptly named. I was sad Belle died but in the end tweedle dumb and dumber gave her a beautiful send-off. Belle lived her happy ending the way she wanted to and Rumple lived his the way he wanted to, together, happy, and in love. In the end, they grew up and grew together and the distance between what they are and what they became is astounding. I was happy to be on the roller coaster with them!

[anonemyss1]

Eternity’s Ending (our version of events) - a literary cover novella Chapters 1 & 2

A three-part love story about a reincarnated man’s search for forgiveness from the love he left behind.

Chapter 1 - Xander

“Did you feel that?” my head whispered to my heart.

A shared experience would make the occurrence more real.

“I did,” replied my head with a serenity that comes only from finding the place where you belong.

Moments earlier I shot into his arms; closing the weeklong gap between our last goodbye and current hello. I refused to let go of him. I clung to the possibility of enduring love as tightly as I clung to his neck.

I eavesdropped on boastful arms swapping tales of the pleasure derived from holding him. The elation in their tone fought to compensate for the limits word imposed on the expression of their feelings. I wanted everything love could possibly offer and so much more. But I suppressed my greed; settling instead for his touch.

No fault was found in our embrace, despite us both being men. I inhabited the moment, banning all thoughts of past mistakes and future plans from encroaching on our fleeting coexistence. He felt right and at this time and in this place, he was mine.

I prayed he felt the same. I prayed he was consumed solely by me. All the while, I silently sought absolution for the possibility of my hunger conflicting with his wishes. The security of his hold convinced me no such forgiveness was required. I was grateful. Through blind luck or sheer genius, I had asked for and received the one whom I would never regret. As I inhaled him, I vowed to capitalize on the chance I had been given.

 I grope the buttons of my alarm clock in search of a way to quiet the morning chatter. Three hours of sleep no longer does it for me. I used to be able to party until sunrise, power nap and attend my 7 AM lab without looking like shit. Now that the spring chicken phase of my life has ended, three hours of sleep only pisses me off. It’s someone’s fault, probably mine but I’m not accepting the blame. That leaves one person to take the fall.

I roll my eyes at the redundancy of my nights since meeting Vincent. It’s always the same damn dream. It always leaves me with the same bittersweet feeling of needing something I do not want. And it always, always, always makes me feel like I’m supposed to experience the reality of the dream with Vincent.

He has been trying to understand why I just won’t stay the night at his place for some time now. I show up around 10 PM. I won’t sleep while I am there and I never stay past 1 AM without very good reason (and by good reason I mean marathon sex). He thinks I’m just afraid of letting people in. I can sense it in the patience he shows. He’s wrong. I don’t have daddy issues or abandonment issues. I just don’t like sleepovers or intimacy at all really. I like my sleep in my own bed and unless we are in the throws of it, two is a crowd.

But this dream I’ve been having doesn’t help Vincent’s cause at all. It’s just providing me with one more reason not to stay over. I don’t want him to find out about it. He’s too fucking perceptive not to piece something together, given the chance. And, I refuse to give him the chance to start thinking there’s some truth in the cheesy pickup line he swears won him my “affection”; his word, not mine.

“You loved me in a past life,” he said with absolute conviction.

He was fucking beautiful in a handcrafted to perfection, fit to be admired, let me have your baby because our children would be gods, kind of way. I don’t even want kids but I felt like denying the world the blessing of our offspring would be a sin. My mocha features matched with his golden sand complexion. Not to mention all of the things I would get to do to him during the baby making process. If I did love, he would surely be the recipient of it. I planned to tell him as much. I was going to tell him to lose the lame ass pick up life first. I cased his entire body from the ground up searching for the very best points of entry, as he stood there awaiting my response. Thank God for grown ass men who wear fitted clothes so I don’t have to work so hard to gauge what is underneath them. I took a few seconds to admire the way his shirt hung perfectly on what I imagined was an equally perfect chest before I looked into his eyes.

“Not if that’s the line you used,” I said, forcing myself to stay cool through my internal freak-out.

My tone was slathered in dismissal and I walked away without so much as excusing myself. I downplayed the familiarity of the faded blue eyes that seemed to know me by my soul. I labeled myself as crazy and labeled him as an asshole.

I called my best friend, Cassie, a few hours later because the encounter was still all I could think about. She would confirm the entire thing as pure foolishness. She would even join me in a laugh at his expense.

It wasn’t until I awoke longing for a feeling of completion I knew only he would give me that I realized the joke was on me.

He had, in one line, managed to weave himself into my subconscious and that wasn’t going to fly.

Chapter 2 - Vincent

“You don’t have to leave. You know that, right?” Xander reaches for her shirt. I snatch it from the bed before she can gain possession of it. “I mean, I don’t mind that you snore.”

“I don’t snore,” she extends her hand, sighing impatiently when I don’t grant her the instant gratification she is accustomed to.

“How would you know, you only sleep alone?”

“I know,” her tone urges me to proceed with caution but I refuse to heed its warning. She shoves her open palm in the direction of the shirt I hold hostage.

“You can’t possibly know. But I’m more than willing to help you find out.”

When she finally drops her arm and turns to face me, I know without question, I have awakened a sleeping dragon. I speak before she has the chance to unleash the fire sitting on her tongue.

“We’ll play my favorite game,” I pause to gauge her annoyance level. She doesn’t strike during the silence so I continue. “It’s called, ‘Are you a snorer?’”

I whistle and cheer as loud as a one-man studio audience can.

“Really?” she says flatly.

“You know it?” I try to combat the apathy of her tone with the excitement in mine.

“No, I don’t know it, Vincent,” she spits my name at me.

She is about to raise the stakes to a level where I can’t compete. I throw in my hand but she continues to play her cards.

“Why are you so adamant about me staying over? I mean, isn’t this every guy’s dream; stringless sex? Are you going to insist we cuddle too?” disgust stains her words so she pauses and cleans them up.

“Look, I’m diggin’ what we got goin’ here. Don’t fuck it up by being gay.”

She leans over to my side of the bed and hesitantly reaches for her shirt. Her actions assure me she is not looking for a fight but her hurtful words have rung the bell. I’m not sure I can return to my corner as easily as she returns to hers. I open my mouth to reciprocate the deep pain she has unknowingly caused me. My words are absorbed by her lips without ever seeing the light of day.

“I’m not gay,” I squeeze the words out between kisses hoping to bandage the wound she reopened.

“Maybe a little,” she whispers. I can taste her smile. “But it’s cool.”

She strokes out the argument I am preparing before her mouth becomes too busy to counter.

I let her get dressed without resistance this round, although a part of me is tempted to provoke her into more “shut me up” sex. But in our arrangement, fighting is an unnecessary and exhausting means to an end.

“Leave my money on the nightstand,” I say only half joking.

She smiles, digs $20 out of her pocket and places it next to my wallet.

“Go buy yourself a teddy bear. I hear they love to cuddle. I’ll even let you name it after me if it will make you feel better,” she turns, leaving in typical Xander fashion, without a goodbye.

I roll onto my back and stare at the blades chasing each other around the ceiling fan.

“What fools we are,” I say to them, “doggedly pursuing the unattainable.”

Memories eagerly fill the void she leaves, forcing me to relive my past.

 I filled my mouth with enough whiskey to turn my cheeks into liquid packed balloons. I let it sit for a moment before allowing it to escape down my throat. I wiped the few drops that trickled down my chin with the back of my hand and repeated the process. It would not be long before I reached the unconsciousness I so desperately needed. Unconsciousness was the only place where the pain of my heartache couldn’t reach me; the only place where I didn’t love him.

“I don’t love him. I can’t love him,” I argued, raging violently against the final truthful moments before the blackout.

“You’ll love him until you die,” taunted reality.

“I’ll love him until I die,” I repeated.

Finally, I understood. Unconsciousness only provided a temporary reprieve from the nightmare my life had become. Despite my most valiant efforts, I never could get drunk enough to get him off my mind; until that night.

Justifications left my thought process completely congested, forcing me to utilize the only explanation readily available to me. I scribble my thoughts on the back of the scrap piece of paper found tucked away in the drawer holding my handgun. I kissed the bullet that would pry my heart from his hands and loaded it into the clip. I put the gun to my head and took a deep breath. I squeezed the trigger but found myself unable to press hard enough to discharge the weapon. I laid the gun on the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. I spent my final moments alternating swigs and suicide attempts until both the bottle and the clip were empty.

 Hell is not fire and brimstone. Hell is the vastness of eternity choked with unfulfilled wishes to make amends for the lives you’ve destroyed. I spent a lifetime in hell trying to bargain away two wishes for the chance to be granted the single most important one; to be paired with the soul I abandoned. Time proved no match for the wounds I created.

Xander’s possession of Avery’s soul created an inherent distrust I constantly worked to overcome. On days like this when Xander is exactly who she is and not the person I used to know, I wonder if I would love Xander had I not loved Avery first. The answer to that question is inconsequential. Her soul was hardened by the damage I’d done. Regardless of how trying my attempts to love her became, I owed her the fight.

Eternity’s Ending (our version of events) available for purchase here! 

[findingmyami]

The V Word

No, not vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina. Although I’m a big fan of people who have them.

The cringe inducing word to which I’m referring is “vegan”. It conjures a rather disagreeable image for many. Much like an alcoholic is imagined to be a homeless person with a paper bag, vegans are often thought of as waif like creatures with a distinctly crunchy style and earthy smell. They are weak, certainly not athletes, and they are proselytizers, not people one would desire to engage in conversation.

Now, I don’t know that I am the candidate to dispel this precise image. I have hippie genes coursing through my DNA and I get rather preachy when I’m feeling manic. Overall, though, I’m just a person trying to make the best life choices I can for myself and my family. As with other struggles I’ve overcome in my life, I do believe that my story can benefit others, though your decision to trudge the same path does not inhibit me in my own health journey. I will, as always, continue to do what I do, and help anyone who asks for my help. I have found that attempting to help people who don’t want my assistance leads to resentment and heartache and immeasurable, unnecessarily expended energy. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

So if you care to know, this is my story, as it pertains to food and my health.

My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6. My father was an alcoholic in the throes of a disease that told him to throw his family aside for the sake of the disease’s survival. Until his death at 51 (I was 19), I watched his weight climb and overall health decline sharply as he was unable to maintain any sort of routine sleep schedule or balanced diet, due to his workaholism and of course, alcoholism. He was a man with a brilliant mind, beautiful heart, and a sense of humor that could disarm the coldest individual. He was, however, trapped in a body that deprived him of a full life and robbed him of watching his children flourish, or meeting his grandchildren. I could say he was a great example of how not to live, but choice has nothing to do with my father’s life. Genetic predisposition is powerful and I inherited those same genes. His story could easily be mine without the blessing of divine intervention. It’s often hard to understand why I have the gift of carrying on to tell my story, while James Petkus’ story ended so abruptly. I do know that the ultimate sacrifice of his life brought me to my knees sooner than I ever would have got there. And if I hadn’t got there, I may not have lived much longer. The story is not mine to question, only to relate.

At the time of my parents’ divorce, my mother was going through a transformation that brought her to a new career in the holistic health field, as well as exploring healthier ways of feeding her family. A vegetarian cooking class in particular brought foods like tofu “meatballs” into the dinner rotation. I dined on hummus sandwiches and banana chips for lunch at my small Catholic school, jealously eyeing those with Oreos and PBJs. I was embarrassed by it all: by the food; by my mother’s lack of a “normal” job; by my father’s lack of ability to show up for his family.

My palate was refined. I ate every vegetable put in front of me, and there were many. My mother did a wonderful job of nourishing my body and soul. But sometimes, love and care is not enough. My genetic predisposition is to consume anything I can to excess in the hopes of quelling a raging internal storm of fear, doubt, and insecurity. Food soon became my shelter and my foe.

On the outside it was eating for comfort or out of boredom. On the inside, the shame cycle began in my early teens. Food fed my hunger, my loneliness and my low self esteem. Overeating (alone, as I preferred it) stoked the flame of self loathing. What started as a flicker, the obsession with body and my desire to control this thing I was trapped in, soon consumed me.

Losing my father was like losing any reason I had to maintain the facade of happiness and success. Coupled with binge drinking, binge eating and purging pulled me down into a morass of shame I was powerless to climb out of.

The things I did to myself I will spend a lifetime overcoming and forgiving. I hurt others, but I hurt myself in ways my broken soul could not withstand and did not deserve.

Help came in the form of rock bottom and spiritual enlightenment and angels on Earth. It was slow and treacherous and thoroughly painful. I was brought back from the brink and broken down completely in order to be built back up into the kind of person I always thought I could be. My life is a miracle. I am still unfolding and make so many mistakes and hurt myself and hurt others. The difference today is hope and an unwavering desire to seek and speak the truth in all its forms. Without the truth, I am sick and alone. I can no sooner turn a blind eye to the woes of this world, than tell a lie to save my own skin. As I work toward groundlessness I feel exhausted, and the urge to give up sneaks in. There is nothing left to hide behind. There is nothing left to fill me up and numb the pain. My eyes are wide open and the invisible line has been crossed. So here we are.

The difference between recovering from substance addiction and food addiction is that it is not possible to completely abstain from food. We need to eat to live! And therein lies the problem. We are eating beyond what we need to live and we are risking our planet, the well-being of other sentient creatures, and if we are honest, our own moral compasses to do so.

When I was 22, Tom and I backpacked Europe for 3 months. We were constantly walking with packs on our backs; we were starving and ate voraciously. It was the first time in a long time I was eating for fuel and not worrying about the calories. It felt exhilarating and was a much needed shift in my attitude toward food. We tried a great variety of cuisines in each country we visited. We did not discern. By and large we skipped fast food establishments, but our diet was heavy on meat and convenience. Along the way, I picked up a copy of Fast Food Nation at a free library in a youth hostel. It changed my life. It truly had never occurred to me (nor would I have cared during those 4am blacked out and slovenly McDonald’s excursions) where my food came from. In retrospect, it wasn’t my time. For so long I simply lacked the mental and emotional stability to safely process such information. The truth is painful. The truth is unsettling. The truth has slowly turned my whole world upside down.

I read as much as I could tolerate and stunned myself into vegetarian submission. It didn’t take much. A book simply entitled, 101 Reasons Why I’m a Vegetarian catapulted me into action. The image of Tyson factory farm workers torturing chickens haunts me until this day.

Almost 2 years into my vegetarianism (a way of life being lived alongside a partner who happily ate meat at almost every meal) I suffered a health crisis leading to emergency surgery and a long road of mental and physical recovery from the event. Soon after my surgery, my mother and I observed that I simply wasn’t healing. My wound wasn’t closing properly and my weight had plummeted. My energy was zapped. Reintroducing protein in the form of meat seemed like the logical answer.

Our culture tells us we need meat for protein, and milk for vitamin D. These lies are literally shoved down our throat from so early on, it can be hard to combat them with even the greatest of logic. If I had even scratched the surface of nutritional knowledge in my quest to eat better, I could have saved myself years of dieting, fluctuating weight and a constant feeling of lethargy. During the post-surgery sickness, I failed to examine the many ways proper nutrition evaded me that had nothing to do with my vegetarianism. A diet full of simple carbs, sugars and dairy, and low on fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, is a true recipe for disaster. I was depriving myself of whole foods and wondering why I felt I was dying a slow death. Meat was a seemingly much easier answer than the truth.

I am a master of deception, most adept in deceiving myself. After all of the knowledge and compassion I had amassed, I was able to shove it all aside for the sake of convenience and comfort.

During the many years I should have known better, I became a mother. Unfortunately for my children, health has a trickle down effect. I did my best, with the information I had, and now I am paying the price. I am detoxing my children off of dairy, avoiding meat at all costs, and begging them to eat vegetables of any kind.

More than even me, Zelda is reaping the benefits of my newfound knowledge and was the initial catalyst for changes I so desperately needed. After a disastrous effort at breastfeeding Louise, who was allergic to both milk and soy as a baby and ultimately survived on an abhorrent hypoallergenic formula, I was determined to do better with Z. Like her sister before her, Zelda was covered in an itchy, uncomfortable, red and often weeping rash from just a couple of weeks old. Also like Louise, she developed a desperate and sad case of acid reflux. Despite the many attempts to relieve her pain topically and through oral medicine, it became apparent the answer had to come from within. Up until she was allergy tested, I had great trouble with the elimination diet. For me, deprivation is a surefire way to ignite an inner rebellion, and I didn’t believe that after all the trouble I would get any clear answers anyway. No matter, the results of the blood and skin tests revealed conclusively that my baby was suffering from a severe milk allergy. The jig was up.

Some time during the latter months of my pregnancy with Zelda, Tom had done his own research and had taken action as part of his ongoing health journey. Even in his new role as endurance athlete, he ventured into veganism or “plant based eating” and was firm in his beliefs and his choices. He had found a new guru in Rich Roll, a sober, vegan, endurance athlete and brilliant author. As I listened to Tom’s retelling of Mr. Roll’s transformation, I was brimming with skepticism. However, as I was already giving up dairy, and had very complicated feelings toward eating animals, I made the transition to eating plant based. It happened slowly, but naturally.

During this new journey into eating exclusively plant based, mostly whole foods, I needed to add to my resolve. Convenience and comfort are the greatest demons in my fight to eat in a healthful way and moments of weakness were inevitable. I endeavored to read more articles as well as watch documentaries to add to an arsenal of protection that would keep me from making the detours I had taken in the past. What the Health, a documentary available on Netflix, was particularly enlightening and motivating to me. It is my first recommendation to anyone who is interested in taking a step toward improving her quality of life. Potent, powerful, and lacking in ghastly slaughterhouse scenes, the message gets across easily. All you have to do is listen.

Clearly, I am new at this approach to eating and am not a health expert. All I have is my story and my research, albeit condensed. Take from all of this what you will. Let it spark your own questions and a quest for your own answers. For now, here are the answers to the the most common questions I field when I broach the subject of my diet:

Where do you get your calcium?

I get the bulk of my calcium from kale. Stay with me. I start every morning with a giant smoothie. Frozen fruit is the overwhelming flavor. Kale merely provides color, but also the sought after nutrients, calcium being the one that most concerns people.

Where do you get your PROTEIN?!

Well, from black beans, chickpeas, lentils, wild rice, peanut butter, almonds, chia seeds, oatmeal, cashews, pumpkin seeds, edamame and tofu. To start. Spinach and broccoli are a couple of favorite sources, too. Yes, plants have protein! Per calorie, broccoli has more protein than beef, which is about 4.5 grams per 30 calories. Broccoli is also packed with amino acids, fiber, Vitamin B6 to improve your mood and is one of the best vegetables linked to fighting cancer. Take that!

Where do you get your Vitamin D?

From the sun. Turns out, you can’t get the right amount of vitamin D your body needs from food! This renders the need for dairy milk obsolete. It’s about as useful to us as monkey’s milk. (Ew.) On another note, new studies (not funded by the dairy industry) show that those who drink milk are actually at an increased risk for fractures. Strong bones, my ass.

How can you enjoy the holidays or other events?

Holidays and parties are not difficult. With just a little bit of planning, I never go hungry. And for the first time ever, I came away from this holiday season without feeling bloated and remorseful. It was incredible.

Can you go on vacation and eat like this?

Again, with the planning. Again, with the no remorse. We just got back from Disney World. I ate a good deal of vegan junk food, I must admit. But I did not feel deprived. Once I got over being that person who asks the food service person a few questions, the whole world opened up for me.

People often tell me how little dairy they consume. My retort at this point would be, try giving it up. It is only then that you will see how much you do actually consume. This is never more true than when on vacation. Case in point: At our lunch in Epcot, I conferred with my waiter about my meal preferences and ordered the vegetable soup. Soon after, a cook emerged from the kitchen to disclose that the vegetables were initially cooked in butter and I canceled my order. Milk is so pervasive, despite how many alternatives exist. Even choosing a bag of potato chips or crackers has become disturbing when I realize how often milk is unnecessarily included. So while I do find myself on guard, it doesn’t prevent me from eating. It just makes me a smarter consumer (and forces those Disney chefs to get creative).

In addition to these impossible tasks, I trained for a marathon while exclusively breastfeeding a Fleck baby (Have you seen them? They’re huge!) for 9 months, all while eating a vegan diet. Suffice it to say, veganism is not limiting. It is life saving and life sustaining.

It would be easy to quote sources and copy and paste disturbing facts and images, but I believe it is up to the individual to do her due diligence. Your body, your world, your responsibility. My takeaway from the information I’ve synthesized about living plant-based is this:

1.It’s the only true way to be an environmentalist. It takes 1,799 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef. And this is just the tip of the iceberg (or receding glaciers?) for what animal agriculture is doing to our planet.

2. It’s the best way to ensure being here for the long haul for my children. Of course, I could get hit by a car on my run tomorrow, but anything I do have control over I will do my best to harness in order to increase my odds of a longer life. And with a diet rich in ingredients that fight disease, and void of the foods that increase one’s susceptibility to disease (dairy and meat products are linked to various cancers, decline in cardiovascular health, high cholesterol, hypertension, Alzheimer’s and much more) I have more than a fighting chance.

3. As a self professed animal lover, it is hypocritical of me to eat animals. It’s that simple. It is only our culture that has lured us into believing that some animals deserve to die, while others get to be our pets. There is no rhyme or reason to it except that it is traditional, and breaking tradition is not easy. There is such a disconnect between the origin of our foods and what ends up packaged in the store and lands on our plate. Most people would not be able to stomach the process that gets animals onto our table. Eating meat is eating the terror an animal experiences throughout its life until its dying breath. The wish to live is as strong in them as it is in us. Through sheer brute force and selfish desire, we have stopped caring and stopped seeing this. It is the meat and dairy industry’s job to shield us from this. It is our duty to stop being willfully blind.

Growing up, my mother kept a card with this Goethe quote taped to the fridge. It bounces around my brain still, reminding me that my words and actions carry great weight, and that meaningful change can start with my own actions. I just have to start somewhere.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

[atrayo]

Jewels of Truth Spiritual Wisdom Statements and Memes: "All Souls Win Only Because God Is Great!"

Hello All, Lately, It feels like I'm writing at a snail's pace. No matter I persist churning out these angelic channeled missives since it's a joy and a personal dharmic calling of my own to accomplish in life. Today I wanted to toss in a long hand statement such as those that are more than 3 paragraphs in length usually up to 5 paragraphs total. With the rest what I term as short hand statements from my social media pages like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. For the longhand, spiritual wisdom statement is on the topic of Winners 2,517. With three picture memes on the topics of Spiritual Entity 2,402; Desires 2,409; and Humanity 2,411. With subsequent Facebook "Atrayo's Oracle" fan page posts on Divinity 556B; Paradise 558B; and the Will of God 560B. With the remaining three from Instagram on Angelic 557B; Paradise 557B; and Angels 561B. To find these "Jewels of Truth" Memes please visit my Pinterest page, thank you. May you enjoy these 9 topics and find them spiritual uplifting. Namaste.

Winners: 2517) Every once in a long while life throws us a screw ball pitch that leaves us flat on our rumps. Perhaps taking a long beneficial perspective it was the catalyst that we needed authentically all along the most. All change is constant on this side of physical Creation. Where in contrast metaphysically there is no change whatsoever is the law of God as a living conundrum of his Great Mystery. Balance in all things requires fuel for momentum to be kept in good order flowing into place. Sometimes such a fuel ends up being people and their vulnerable circumstances. Just one slight change based on need and everything changes for the better or for the worst possible outcome. Often it appears to be the worst choice that occurs in the short-term since perspective hasn't been gained as of yet. Given plenty of patience what seemed heart-wrenching actually yields to good news eventually. You see we are all Winners in God's Heaven abiding deepest in each of our shared Soul of God. What this means is that change can appear as a sacrificial lamb being cast into a slowly roasted spit. The lamb symbolizes a person as a soul that is being tempered and strengthened by the dedication of what is at hand. Making the once fragile person stronger for the experience encountered that was often construed as very painful emotionally, mentally, and at times physically. All events arch back to grace earnestly given plenty of faith and forgiveness through God in us all. That is the Glory of God out loud making all Winners on this Earth and beyond forever. Fear not, deeply or otherwise since you haven't been led to the slaughter as the lamb. It just feels that way for you'll overcome by transformation in the Holy Spirit of God truly if you give yourself several chances to succeed. Allow the circumstances lay where they may for change has a funny way of making Victors of once losers that have been punished by the fates. God loves the sagas of his holy children that flourish in spite of the odds or disadvantages against them. The world under estimates far too easily but God's favor as grace is upon those that love unconditionally in life like the Angels heavenly truth. Amen.    ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo. Spiritual Entity:

Angelic: 557B) Come away to understand we as the Perfect and Pure Image and Likeness of God is truly Angelic in holy origin in the one Soul of God forever.   ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo. Divinity: 556B) We are each endless specks strewn across the eternity of now and the infinity of here as we reside collectively as abundant life manifested by the Will of God. Each of us has a solemn oath to live again in spite of our personal creed to flourish together as the children of God everlasting. This to some is no easy feat but it is indeed life-saving and extremely worthwhile venture to pursue earnestly by grace. We are each pre-existing emanations of the very fiber of God's material divine meta Almighty Being. What this entails metaphysically unlike our human mortality we are neither born nor can we ever be eradicated or die spiritually as divine entities. In a way we are the tissue or essential force of God's Omnipresence and no lesser deity, angel, devil, or demon has that ultimate supreme power as does God him / her / itself. By the Will of God, why would the Creator ever seek to mutilate himself when he is purely perfect upon totality? In order to cut away at an alleged deformity that is nonsense metaphysically. The Image and Likeness of God as stipulated in the Judeo-Biblical Old Testament is truly and beautifully Angelic as divine miraculous essence inclusively forever! This is why the servants of the Lord God is so widespread and ever evolving in number for they the Angels are the first perfect drafts or specimens of God's Perfect Image and Likeness. We as humanity and every other creature imprinted by the divine upon totality has this equal non-exclusive Angelic Image and Likeness of God remarkably and richly deserved as their holy birthright. Amen.       ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo. Desires:

Paradise:

557B) All that exists has its best precious example as its Source essence from the Omnipresence of God in Paradise Originator of all.   ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo.

558B) In every environment there is plenty of its natural systems be it hostile to other forms of life or nurturing in its own right to access. Each reality upon Creation behaves similarly as do eco-systems of the natural world with intricate systems that surpass the exquisite beauty at first glance. Many have remarked that the beauty of God is shaped by these myriads of natural ecological and dimensional infinite variety expressed deeply as it is true. This point of view has merit however the angels as co-creators with God are the designers of the clay (essence) of God as manifest abundant infinite Life.

With Creation, there is variety much like within Paradise although in the endless Heavens spaceless and timeless as they are beautiful. Such an unparalleled absolute access to God directly as his life force creates an echo chamber of sorts. That if anyone would desire in paradise it is brought into their awareness before they can ever conceive the need or want as a fancy. The instantaneous Good Pleasure of God is shared freely and overwhelmingly upon all the infinite children of God as its inhabitants from across all the known and unknown Creations plural. Since we are the meta expression of God's truth in perfect health God takes care of himself through his endless children in eternal loving peace. Amen.              ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo.

Humanity:

Angels:

561B) Are we our better Angels reborn as Heavenly good on Earth or the thralls of senseless life clamoring for attention like children?   ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo.

Will of God:

560B) We are the world of today, tomorrow, and yesterday by how we live our highest aspirations with each other. Short of this, we succumb to petty tendencies to upend our disgrace with each other in order often to have top billing in our under takings. Sometimes we win big because of this and more often than not we suffer at our own hands or that of friends, family, and strangers alike. What we do isn't as nearly as important as to how to conduct our tasks day to day. Do we behave well or like tyrants? Do we take it out on our own internalized spirits akin to masochism or are some of us sadistic SOB's.

In order to overcome the world, we must not dwell upon it spiritually like martyrs for a cause that is more political in nature than the actual Will of God. To distinguish what is compassionate truth and what is merely white noise by the ulterior motivations of other peoples and groups. We must be completely still in our meditations and prayers to listen to the soft inner voice of your god self as your guardian angels. This peels away at the chaos of the world opening our hearts to experience the divine mind couched within the simplicity of being true in kindness. All the rest we surrender back to God as the great recycler of anguish creating blessings out of the ashes of our despair akin to making metaphysical lemonade.

The Will of God is unconditionally loving as it is generous with his time and Omnipresence. We just need to consent to experience a higher reality known as enlightened grace to move past the pettiness and white fuzzy noise of this world. Only then can we live by a grateful faith as rejuvenated children of God beginning to reconcile heaven on earth one blessing at a time. Amen.                    ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo.

Ivan "Atrayo" Pozo-Illas, has devoted 22 years of his life to the pursuit of clairvoyant automatic writing channeling the Angelic host. Ivan is the author of the spiritual wisdom series of "Jewels of Truth" consisting of 3 volumes published to date. He also channels inspired conceptual designs that are multifaceted for the next society to come that are solutions based as a form of dharmic service. Numerous examples of his work are available at "Atrayo's Oracle" blog site of 12 years plus online. Your welcome to visit his website "Jewelsoftruth.us" for further information or to contact Atrayo directly.