#and somehow understanding it as me saying “you should actively be a bad role model and encourage teens to do drugs”

[dramatic-dolphin]

have an addition to my 25k note surprise popular post but if some people already don't like what i say there (you can interact with teenagers online), i'm gonna be torn to shreds for adding "you can interact with teenagers online WITHOUT putting yourself in the role of Wise Adult Who Dispenses Advice"

[theladyofbloodshed]

Here is the thing about Cassian and Azriel. How is their influence in Illyria? I know Cassian is actively trying to change his people even when the progress is slow. And Azriel, he hated his people right? It is understandable. But i kept thinking, how will you change your people if you spend most of your time in Velaris? I know Cassian have his room in House Of Wind and practically lives there with mor, az. Then think of his people feel about this. Their general lives in velaris, safe warm clean no clipping wing. As if their own general is running from illyria and they know of it.

If it was me, I feel rather sad and offended. Sjm keep using this "bastard" excuses for cassian to be outcast from his people. But that somehow dont make sense. There must be a few male willing to be his friends if effort is make. Not all illyria is horrid as depicted. And jf he had no friends in illyria, how is he going to change his homeland?

"A man with no friends, is a man with no power". I stayed true to this and I believe Cassian is accepted as general merely because of Rhys. If Rhys is discarded in this dynamic, where would Cassian stand? I feel as Cassian whole life is too dependent on Rhys influence. Make friends with your people, Cassian. Learn them, show them, win them. You need friends outside your inner circle. Apart from feyre having no friends outside the IC, same goes to all of them. They need friends outside their IC, outside velaris. It so weird you know being so tied to your circle. It is not healthy.

Bit by bit, Cassian can change Illyria, he can do it without Rhys if he plays his role as friends well. To influence a person, surely you need to be likeable, at least relatable, then you became friends. As for Cass, he is already Illyria, stay true to his people, this can be a start. Convo about the celebration, food, song. How can he not have a single friend outside IC?

It is not surprising Illyria wanted to rebel. I would too. Their only voice to the HL is their general. And EVEN their general has little voice in it. They are not heard you know. Despite all the power Rhys have, his influence stand behind this 'fear' he created, not from the respect of his people. Same thing goes his people in hewn city. Who is Mor to them? What influence Mor have on them? Did she have friends in hewn city? No, she practically ditch them to be this 'dreamer' while the rest left in their nightmare.

Then we have this whole Feyre and her wing. Goodness, what does Azriel see and feel when he taught her to fly? Then goes back to his mother and see the wing clipped while his High Lady flaunt it? Goodness, it riled me up thinking about this.

Cassian could be pivotal to change in Illyria. If the society is as bad as they say then there would be many more little boys - just like Cassian - who are abandoned and have to fend for themselves. He could be their role model. Someone like them who now stands alongside the high lord. He could be the one they look up to and respect. Cassian could give them hope that they aren't just bastard born, lowest members of society. Instead, they have to start from the bottom rung of the ladder, fighting for any scrap of respect - and never receiving it because "that's how Illyria is".

I absolutely agree with you that it's crazy that they don't have any of the IC residing in Illyria or the Hewn City. How can they spearhead change if they hate to be in the place? They don't have the respect of the people because they don't deserve it. They have utter disdain for Illyria and the Hewn City. Their only appearances are to belittle them or to recruit them for a war.

It's the same attitude of Mor; well I got out so too bad to the others! In ACOMAF, when they arrive at Windhaven, Mor says the place should be burnt to the ground - literally as they arrived there. They all have such disgust for the place, but none of them will put in the work to change it. It is your job!! You are the leaders!!

Feyre could literally shift to any sort of wings. Fairy wings. Butterfly wings. Bird wings. But she chooses Illyrian. It's such a slap in the face to all the Illyrian woman who have to bow down to her as high lady. I think if Rhys' mother had her wings clipped - if his father arrived a minute too late - then maybe they'd have started to change things. I never actually considered what it must be like for Azriel to see it as we believe is still alive (and presumably clipped). Also as he didn't learn how to fly until he was 11 then surely he should be even more motivated to stop females losing their flight?

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Diary of the Writing Raven; Birds of a Feather

For the 1100+ follower milestone, here is the next part of the cursed raven’s story!

This time, we revisit entries in Miss Raven’s diary. A familiar face assumes prominence on the stage--what role will he play in this story of ours?

Part 1 l Part 2 l Part 3 l Part 4

Day 47

I feel like I am being watched.

Uncle says I am just nervous and excited from the ceremony yesterday.

I am not so sure.

Day 48

I ran into that weirdo again today.

The weirdo is named Rook Hunt. He also calls himself the Hunter of Love...? I do not understand what that means.

He said that he will not be fooled again by Mon-sure Mastermind’s tricks again. He said he knows I am a bird, and he will chase me to the ends of Twisted Wonderland to see me in flight.

...Scary.

He shouts many strange words and chases me around. I managed to narrowly miss him by diving into the bushes. He was distracted by some students with animal ears--and I was able to run all the way home safely.

I suppose it is good to be curious, but...Mister Rook is too curious...!!

Why couldn’t I have run into Mister Jade instead?

Day 51

Uwaaah, I saw a very pretty upperclassman today! He had golden hair, violet at the ends.

The pretty upperclassman snapped at Mister Rook and told him to stop scaring me.

I am thankful, but...it seems like that upperclassman was scanning me all over. Judging me silently. I wanted to disappear into my clothes.

Before we part, he tells me that my ponytails are not symmetrical. He adjusts it for me and sends me off.

Mister Rook’s friends are strange people, too.

Day 56

Another run-in with Mister Rook. They seem to happen every day now, though they are not always...eventful.

He says I am too formal, and that I can just call him “Rook”.

He would not stop pestering me until I agreed.

He gave me a toothy grin when I, at last, relented.

What a troublesome man.

Day 57

Ever since I tried Flounder’s Blue, I have been sampling new foods and drinks.

Today, I got a cup of caw-fee.

Silly me, though...I tripped and spilled it all over a Savanaclaw student. He was so angry. He threatened to gobble me up.

I was trembling and sobbing when the Savanaclaw student yelped. Rook had a tight grip on his trail and kept tugging it, saying weird things until he scurried off.

I thank him.

Day 60

It feels like I see Rook around every corner. He does not always approach--sometimes, he is just content with watching from a distance, or he gives a small wave.

Jade has noticed too.

He asks if Rook makes me feel unsafe..

Rather than feel unsafe, I am a little curious as to why Rook is...well, Rook. He is certainly an odd fellow, but when I think back to a few days ago, I can’t help but think he has a good heart.

I do not think he means any harm.

So I tell Jade I am fine.

Day 66

Rook smelled funny today.

He says there was an accident in the Science Club, so he will reek of tomato and basil for a few days. That hunting trip he was planning is cancelled; the smell will alert too many animals of his presence.

I tell him that he reminds me of the pasta served at the Mostro Lounge, and he laughs.

How he is able to stay so cheery is a wonder to me--but it is not a bad thing, I suppose.

Day 72

Rook tells me of a carny-vale in the nearby town, and says I must experience it for myself. I was curious, so I followed.

There are so many bright sounds and sights. It smells like something fried and sweet.

We ride the spinning tea cups and the carousel. They make me feel like I’m flying once more.

I’m no good at any of the game booths, but Rook is. He has impeccable aim and strength. The game booth runners cry and beg him to not run them out of business.

Rook just smiles and asks them for their best prizes. He has no use for most of them, so he dumps his prizes onto me with a part on the head.

My arms are too full to hold any food, so Rook helps feed me. He stuffs funnel cake, cotton candy, and candied apple into my mouth.

The last thing we do for the day is the ferris wheel. We go up and up against the sunset.

In the dying light of day, I realize something.

Rook has very pretty eyes, too.

Day 80

The pretty upperclassman came up and introduced himself.

Vil Schoenheit, Pomefiore’s dorm leader.

The queen.

He remarks that my pigtails are not asymmetrical today, and that I am a fast learner.

“You must be, little Shetland potato,” Vil comments, “if you are to deal with my huntsman.”

Day 84

...Rook was carrying a Pomefiore boy over his shoulder, like a sack of potatoes.

He says that it’s his job to capture runaways, in service of his queen.

...I wonder how much he gets paid to do this?

Day 85

I told Rook about my hiking trip with Jade!

He seemed very interested, listening intently and nodding while I spoke.

Rook says that he, too, is a fan of the great outdoors, and that we should go on a camping trip together sometime.

I look forward to it.

Day 90

Today is the promised camping trip with Rook.

The weather is getting chillier, so he reminds me to dress warm. He will take care of the rest of the preparations. After all, he has had much more experience with these sorts of things.

I’m still cold, even when I show up in three layers. Rook tuts and throws his jacket over me, despite my protests.

He guides me through the forest, pointing out tiny things I would not have noticed on my own. That bunny’s burrow, those squirrels storing nuts for the upcoming winter, the rustle of the leaves, the trickle of water, how the sunlight filters through the trees...

Rook has such a poetic way of speaking.

He reminds me of a prince in a fairy tale.

Day 94

Rook told me that he has noticed that my speech has improved. He is proud, puffing up like a proud father. He spouts some nonsense about how “mon petit oiseau” (he helped me with the spelling) is becoming such a refined young lady.

I told him that his own manner of speech is far prettier than mine.

Rook just laughed and offered to help me improve more and more, if I wish.

I should pay a visit to Pomefiore, he said, and the queen will welcome me with open arms.

Day 95

Pomefiore is...beautiful. Violet tapestries, crimson curtains, and gold decorations dripping from every available crevice. And everyone is just as beautiful as their surroundings, skin like glass and eyes set in jewel-colored shadows.

I expected nothing less of the oldest dormitory at Night Raven College. The castle is steeped in years of history.

I was offered tea and a three tiered stand of snacks. Vil introduced me to a boy named Epel, who squirmed in his seat with discomfort.

He made us hold our tea cups all funny and barked at us to exchange words. Rook stands at his queen’s side and just...smiles at us as we suffer.

After that, Vil shepherded us to a large table, where two sets of cutlery were laid out.

I’m drilled for hours on end, until I can differentiate the several different variants of spoons, forks, and knives. Epel, too.

I am told to return every few days, to join Epel for his lessons. “It would do him some good to have someone to go through the motions with,” Vil insists. “It gives him some much needed...’encouragement’.”

More lessons for me.

...Somehow, I feel like Rook has me caught in a snare.

Day 100

Vil quips that we are learning ballroom dancing today.

I do not see the practical use of such a skill, but he will not take no for an answer.

Epel and I mutter apologies as we link hands and step on each other’s feet. Then the queen has us take turns spinning around with Rook.

He is very graceful on his feet--far more than myself or Epel. I’m nervous when my turn comes up, but Rook reassures me that it will be fine.

His arms form a cage to keep me from stumbling.

He clicks his tongue and says I need more practice.

Day 102

We focused on the arts today. Vil was busy with modeling (?) and told us that Rook would be our instructor. He says that the arts are his best subject, so please leave everything to him.

Rook shows us fruit bowls and pictures of scenery (he says he took the photographs himself)! Then he sets out canvases and paint sets and tells us to follow his lead.

His voice is a soft murmur as he beats his paintbrush against a blank canvas, breathing color into an otherwise lifeless world.

I do my best to do as he says.

Rook glances over--and he tells me, through a blinding smile, that my painting needs some work.

I have to agree.

Day 110

Epel is with friends today.

Rook takes this opportunity to grant me a language and writing lesson. He knows that I like writing, so now is as good of a time as any.

Rook hovers over me at a desk and suggests ways to make my writing sound...fancier.

I practice writing sentences like...

You are the light of my life, the lark’s birdsong in the still morning.

You are as lovely as the petals of a rose, lush and delicate and breathtakingly beautiful.

You are the moon and the starlight, twinkling in the depths of the darkness and guiding me to salvation.

I ask him what the point of these phrases were--and Rook answers, “For when you wish to woo whomever has captured your heart!” He makes it sound so easy.

He teaches me a few basic phrases of his flowery language, too.

I tell him merci.

Day 117

The queen puts books on my head and tells me to walk without dropping any of them.

Rook holds my hand and helps me keep balance.

It is warm, and comforting and supportive, just like Jade’s.

Then Vil whips out a pair of odd shoes, with stick-like things instead of a flat sole. He calls them heels and urges me to put them on.

I fall on my face, and Rook has to help me up.

On my second attempt, he catches me. He tells me I have the grace of a newborn fawn--that is to say, none at all.

Still, I feel safe in his arms.

Day 133

It is cold, and snowy.

Rook drags me outside anyway. He says exercise will do my frail little body some good.

But...no matter what I activity I do, I am miserable at it. Snowshoeing, ice skating, sledding. I am horrible at all of them, and more.

We settle for building a snowman.

I try to make it look cute.

Day 140

The cruise ship is boring. The beach is boring. It’s mostly older folks like Uncle sipping on tropical drinks and sunbathing.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

Of course, Jade would be nice and set my heart at ease...but Rook would be able to make even something as mundane as this fun.

I can already hear him shouting in my head about the clear blue waters, and the amber sunlight, and the snow white sand.

Look at me, I’m beginning to speak nonsense.

Well, nonsense it may be, but it is interesting nevertheless.

Rook is...interesting.

Day 149

There are lots of seagulls here.

...They remind me of Rook.

I am not quite sure why.

Maybe it is the incessant cawing.

Though...that is charming, in its own unique way.

Day 155

Rook brought back a souvenir from his home land--a bright blue feather on a beaded necklace. He says it is similar to the one the young prince of his country wears.

It turns out, he is from the Afterglow Savannah! What a surprise; I thought he would be from the Land of Pyroxene.

He regales me with stories of his adventures, of the many hunts he embarked on and his trophies.

His eyes are like emeralds, shining with excitement.

Day 167

I saw a play with Rook.

It told the story of two lovers whose families detested one another. The actors all speak quite frivolously, just like Rook. I can see why he would like this kind of thing.

My favorite part...it was the balcony scene.

The male lead cannot stand to be apart from the female lead, and so he sneaks into her garden at night. He summons her to the balcony and makes a vow that he will, no matter what, find a way to be with her.

...The play ends with death.

I cried a little, and Rook let me lean against his shoulder until I stopped.

Day 170

I penned a little story based on the play.

This one has a happy ending.

I want to put some hope into the world.

Day 185 (Continued)

I asked Rook if he was excited for Valentine’s Day, if he was expecting any gifts.

He gave me a mysterious smile in response and said, “Ah, that is for me to know and for you to find out, mon petit oiseau.”

I wonder what he means by that.

Day 186 (Continued)

I will give Rook some chocolate, too!

As thanks for being my friend.

Day 197 (Continued)

I made little heart-shaped bon-bons for Rook.

Perfect for the Hunter of Love.

Day 198 (Continued)

I want to curl up and die, diary.

Rook saw me crying today, under the shade of the great apple tree that towers in the school courtyard.

He asked me what was wrong, a concerned look on his face.

I snapped at him, told him to leave me be.

...But rather than bombard me with questions or annoy me with overly embellished words...

...Rook sat next to me silently. He held my hand until I stopped crying.

Then I spilled everything. I don’t know why I did. I...I guess I wanted someone to know of my story.

Starting with my arrival at Night Raven College. Ending with Jade’s betrayal.

I told Rook the tale through my tears and disgusting sobbing. It was absolutely pathetic, but...he listened patiently.

When I finished, he told me something.

“Mon petit oiseau, I would never lie to you.”

And I believe him.

Day 200

I cried again.

Stupid Leeches.

Day 202

I am scared of Jade.

I say as much to Rook.

He makes a joke about sharpening a harpoon and going eel hunting.

...At least, I think it is a joke.

Day 215

Rook now greets me as soon as my classes let out. His smile and laugh are reassuring to see.

He makes sure I get home safely, and without being accosted.

I cannot say merci enough.

Day 227

...It is ironic.

The man I once ran from is now the one I willingly go to for shelter, and the man I once went to for shelter is now the one I run from.

What a strange reversal of fortune.

Day 228

I feel eyes on me again.

...Leeches, most likely.

Day 230

Tomorrow is another day.

I will stay at Rook’s side.

It is the only place I feel safe beyond Uncle’s attic.

Day 231

I can trust him.

I can trust Rook.

He will tell an ugly truth right off the bat.

He values honesty, integrity--like me.

And birds of a feather must flock together.

[mythrilhusk]

Korosensei Never Dies - Chapter 5

Words: 1689 Ao3 Version Chapter 4 (Last)

Chapter 6 (Next)

AN: This is NOT RPF, this story is based solely on the characters of Dream SMP, not the people playing them.

====

It's a hobby some would call obsessive or even creepy. Wilbur Soot doesn't care what anyone thinks, it's his world and everyone else is just living in it. His pencil scrawls on the page, scratching black onto white.

--Tommy needs encouragement. He's latched onto Philza as a fath- role model worryingly fast. Have I not been enough for him? He told me he wants to kill Technoblade, but I could see the lie in his eyes. He's too kind, and now he's being torn in two directions. Should I ease the strain? Or should I see how long it takes for him to break?--

Wilbur doesn't care what others think of him. His sly gaze flickers from person to person, lingering on the bright ray of sunshine that is Tommy. 

--Tubbo worries me. He's been mostly silent ever since Technoblade showed up. Is he planning something?-- 

--Eret wants to kill Technoblade purely for the money. I saw the way their eyes lit up at the bounty. Which brings to mind another question. Why hasn't anyone outside of this class actually tried to kill Technoblade?--

--Ranboo never lets go of that notebook. I could swear it had a different cover. He's creepy. Avoid him.--

--Quackity has an intense grudge against Technoblade. But he's always with his gang, so I haven't been able to talk to him.--

--Hannah Rose started sparring with Foolish and Charlie last week. She's good. Too good. I don't trust her.--

--I can't get a read on Sapnap. He's always with Quackity, so I never have a chance to have a nice little chat, a good old tete-a-tete.--

--Connor wants to kill Technoblade. Boring.--

--Charlie hasn't shown any bent towards one side or another. He goes around with his saccharine "humour" and fails all his quizzes like he doesn't want Philza to train us. Maybe I should get him expelled.--

--Foolish says strange things. I don't like him.--

Wilbur pauses when he's finished silently dissing all his fellow students. The teachers are next. 

--Ponk just sort of showed up one day and then stayed as the math teacher. His quizzes are so goddamn annoying. He hasn't shown any signs of wanting to kill Technoblade, though.--

--Punz was here for like a day, and then was sent to the hospital as the result of Techno's completely just and righteous defense of Philza. Unknown if he will find the guts to return or not.--

--Philza. Ah, Philza. Mere words can not convey the sheer respect I have for that man's dedication to chaos. Why, just the other day, I saw him feeding birds as they perched on him. He then used them for target practice. Magnificent. If we all endeavor to succeed in our classes, he will teach us how to kill his friend.--

--Technoblade is an enigma. Seriously. Does this mutant man ever sleep? By all accounts, he should be a terrible teacher, yet somehow he finds the time and tenacious willpower to teach all the subjects in a concise and understandable way. Not to mention his casual sprinkling of anarchy propaganda. I wish to know his secrets. I will drag them out of him if need be.--

"Whatcha writing?" Tommy inquires. 

"Nothing!" Grinning innocently, Wilbur snaps his notebook closed. 

"Is it about me? Are you writing how good I am at luv?" 

"No, Tommy." Wilbur ruffles his friend's fluffy hair, ignoring Tommy's complaints. "I'm writing a diary. You can't read it." 

"Fuck off, I'll write my own diary!" 

Wilbur smiles and sits back, listening to Tommy rant. It would be interesting, wouldn't it, to see how he deals with the conundrum of looking up to Philza while being pressured to kill Technoblade. Wilbur can't wait to see him break. 

++++

Badboyhalo paces in the Duckling's treehouse, wincing with every step. Antfrost binds George's wounds. "This has gone too far, Bad!" George complains. 

"Shut up! I know we can think of something!" 

"Our reputation is on the line! If anybody looks even slightly deeper into our pasts, we're all screwed." 

"Shut up!" Bad screeches. "We are Professional Assassins, that's all we ever have been, and nobody is going to question it unless you two screw up again!" 

Antfrost glowers, tightening a bandage on George's arm. "You screwed up, too." 

"How was I supposed to know?? He's a highschool student, a teenager, he shouldn't be good at fighting!!" 

"He's better than us. You think Dream taught him?" George tries to scratch at his bandages, but Antfrost smacks his hand away. 

"I don't know, you muffinheads, but we need to figure something out. Maybe take some martial arts classes." 

"You want us to go back to school??" 

"No! Yes?? Maybe? I don't know." Bad replies miserably. "We've gotta get outta here before Quackity and his gang show up." 

"Too fucking late." Quackity snarls behind Bad, dropping through the window. "Why the fuck didn't your motherfucking special weapons do a single goddamned thing??" 

"Language," Bad mutters half-heartedly. 

"Why the fuck are you buffoons planning to take classes for fighting?? You said you were professionals!!" 

"That is true, we are professionals. But we may have been a teensy bit misleading about our line of work." 

Quackity's scowl darkens and he draws his revolver. "I want blood, Bad. I want your blood so motherfucking badly right now. Fucking tell me the truth." 

Bad raises his hands, heart in his throat. "Wait, wait! I- we're not actually assassins, okay? We're just, uhh, our business is in, uhh-" 

Quackity cocks the gun. His eyes show no hint of mercy. 

"Wait-wait-wait-" Bad cries, trembling. "We're just con-men! It's our business! We go around, telling people we can take care of whatever their problem is, then we take the money and dip! Haha!" 

"We bit off a bit more than we could chew when President Skeppy paid us to help you kill Technoblade." George sighs. "Go ahead and shoot Bad, he's our leader. It was all his idea." 

"N-no!!" Bad screeches, glaring at George. "Don't shoot!! Please!" 

"Fuck you." Quackity flicks open the casing and empties the bullets onto the table. "Fuck you and your motherfucking lies. You don't even have a supplier, do you?" 

"No, we stole the prototype weapons from HBomb's lab!" 

"I'll forgive you on one condition." Quackity gives them a small, hard smile. "Break into the lab and get us actual weapons that'll actually fucking work on Techno. Nothing explosive, just knives and guns."  

"Deal." Antfrost says. "Do we still get a cut?" 

"Ten percent, but that's only if you don't fuck up again." 

"Ten??" Bad cries, forgetting his former fear. "That's only one billion!!" 

"That's about a billion times more than you fucking deserve, so don't test me, assholes."

Bad clenches his fists. Quackity is just a kid. He's just one kid. Bad, Antfrost, and George could easily win. 

But that's what they thought about Ranboo. Bad huffs. "Deal." 

++++

Creeping around in the forest is not exactly what Awesamdude expected his career to lead to. But here he is, laying down a perimeter, alone. 

Not quite alone, however. The two kids stalking him could do with some more practice staying silent. He's already learned their names from their hissing whispers. 

"Niki, Jack, you shouldn't be here." He straightens after planting another post in the ground. 

A girl with violently pink hair drops down from a tree. A boy with clashing heterochromatic sunglasses hops up from behind a stump, brushing the leaves off himself. "How'd you know we were there?" Jack whines. 

"You were hardly quiet." 

"What're you doing?" Niki crosses her arms, scowling. 

"Do you want to die?" Sam asks darkly. He's bluffing, of course. He wouldn't kill innocents. 

"Can you kill people?" Jack asks, excited. 

"I could, if I wanted to." 

"Can you kill Technoblade??" 

"No." 

"Why isn't anyone else trying?" 

"His location was a secret." Sam sighs. "It's not anymore, but I'm going to ensure nobody else interferes." 

"How are kids expected to kill an immortal??" Niki cries. "Why is the bounty so high?? Why is he teaching school instead of rotting in a prison??" 

"Curious, aren't you." Sam scratches his head. "Well, I suppose I can answer the first two. You're not expected to kill him, you're being used to keep him in line. And the bounty is so high because he wanted it that high." 

Niki glares at Sam. Jack's expression is unreadable behind his sunglasses. "Why-"

"Shoo." Sam waves a hand at them. "Go home before I lose my patience." 

The two converse for a moment in hushed whispers. Then, simultaneously, they cry, "Teach us to kill Technoblade!" 

Sam represses a smile. "No." 

"Why not??" 

"Because I have a job to do, and that involves not interfering." 

"Is President Skeppy stalling??" Niki snaps.

"I can't answer that." Sam raises his crossbow upon hearing cautious footsteps sneaking past in the shadows of the trees. Niki and Jack both leap back into cover, but Sam ignores them. "Show yourself, or I put an arrow through your ribs." 

"Please don't." Another teen steps out, raising his hands. The hidden weapons on his person wouldn't be obvious to someone less experienced, but are painfully visible to Sam. 

"What are you doing out here?" 

"I don't know?" The teen replies plaintively. "I was just taking a walk." 

"Hm." Sam lowers the crossbow slightly. He activates the sensors in his false eye with a blink, scanning the teen. The scan glitches and sends a flash of pain through his skull. "Agh!" 

"Are you okay, sir?" The teen steps forward. Warning bells chime in the back of Sam's mind, danger, danger, but Sam ignores them. This is just a kid. He's harmless. 

"I'm fine. You should go home." 

"Oh." The boy lowers his hands and opens the book he was holding. For a moment, Sam's eye glitches again, and the boy's form distorts; scales crawl across the boy's arms, twelve wings fold like fractals- Sam winces at the twinge of pain and the hallucinations fade. "I have a home, now." The boy mutters, and then wanders off. 

Sam sighs and continues his job of setting up a fence around the school building for class 3-E. Niki and Jack have scampered off already. He's alone again.

Chapter 6 (Next)

[punkscowardschampions]

America & Libi

America: What.the.fuck 🤯😷

Libi: ???

America: that’s not acting

America: it’s his real 😍💖🐱💫 behaviour

Libi: nooooooo 😅

Libi: it is a wee bit cringe how he has to gaze into my eyes like that

America: & it’ll take more than Mr Mullan yelling cut to get his 👅💦 out of your mouth, ear or anywhere else he can get away with putting it if you don’t tell him it’s meant to be fake

Libi: You don’t really think that, do you?

Libi: I don’t even know how to start that conversation if I need to, yikes 😬

America: I know, me & everyone else watching him eye fuck you for the full scene

Libi: oh no

Libi: I don’t know what to feel about that

Libi: no wonder your sister looked even more mad at me than usual

America: 🎊🎉 if it means she stops liking him now

Libi: Undoubtedly more of a reason to hate me more if she thinks I’m like, encouraging him

Libi: which I’m not, btw

Libi: How do I tell him to not without making him a bad actor

Libi: or have him think I’m being 😍💖 by implying he is, ahh!

America: His shite acting isn’t your problem, he’s got an understudy too

America: & telling him to back off doesn’t have to sound flirty, remind him how old you are, my sister couldn’t stop pointing out the fuckedness of the age gap so she can’t hate you for doing that either

Libi: I don’t wanna sound like I’m accusing him of anything though

Libi: that could get too serious too fast

America: Lads make us feel uncomfortable to say or do things all the time & they’re not beating themselves up about it

Libi: Yeah, you’re right

Libi: but they probably don’t have to then go on and act with them without everyone wishing the guns were real

Libi: probably

Libi: but there’s 0 chance he’s quitting or Mr Mullan will kick him, that’s as true

America: there’s 0 chance he’s heard a genuine no in this context before, if you do it 🔫💥💖🔪🩸 he might quit

Libi: I’ll talk to him 1 x 1 first

Libi: deserved or not, I don’t wanna go in full guns blazing about it

America: At least consider letting Chi overhear you, calm her down a little

Libi: No offence but your sister is probably the least of my worries if EVERYONE saw and thought the same thing

Libi: she already doesn’t think highly of me

America: She was the least of your worries when she thought Jake saw you as a dumb 2nd year, she’ll move up the list now you’ve moved up his rankings

Libi: Why does she even like him?

Libi: beyond the superficial, which it clearly is

America: He can give her back some of what she’s lost now the parties are over & somewhere to put her energy that’s feeling wasted on mam & daddy Gaz

America: cos of the superficial she’s decided he’s worthy enough of it & won’t make a holy show of her

Libi: I don’t know why I asked really

Libi: like there’d be something to do or whatever

Libi: she isn’t the only person to ever waste her time and energy though so, no judgment, I guess?

America: She’d be wasting her time & energy if she was hopelessly 😍💖 cos he looks like [indie heartthrob] & can play maybe half of his songs in tune but she’s smarter than that, smart enough to know what he’s like & what he’s good for

Libi: It’s all still beyond me

America: 😂 You’ve had better role-models

Libi: You can say sheltered

America: I don’t know you well enough to put what you’ve been through or not into different 🔴⬜️🔷

Libi: It’s cool, dumb 2nd year isn’t a million miles away

America: Chi wouldn’t feel so threatened by you if you were just a dumb 2nd year

Libi: I’ll do my best to convince her

Libi: that isn’t going to rid her issue with Bobby but nothing has

Libi: who knew this casting would cause so much drama?

Libi: not Mullan, obviously

America: Or leave the lying to me, a seasoned pro

America: Mr Mullan knew what he was doing too, he’s in a dating slump & needed the 🎇🎆

America: I offered to 🌶🌶🌶 up his profiles but that was obviously more risk or reward than he was looking for

Libi: That’s dangerously close to a teen drama style teacher who does the most unprofessional things purely to further the plot

Libi: Not cool IRL, Sir

America: Why I always fake a note for PE, she’s super intense

Libi: [Tell her about JJ sports cupboard gate like LOL yeah she is]

America: 🤯 that was them!

America: I've tried to get Sean to meet me there when he has PE but he says the lads have it wayyyy worse

America: 👌 I know that drawing out maps is 0 punishment compared to like, doing extra runs or washing the teachers balls but Bobby, Louie or Jake would meet you 😂

Libi: I’ve never heard their PE teacher speak at a normal volume he’s always shouting

Libi: I see the 😱

Libi: Bobby would but only because he’d think I was in danger… somehow

Libi: Louie isn’t as… 😍💖🐱💫 as Jake though, is he?

Libi: He seems quite nice to me

America: Bobby 👉 best friend

America: Louie 👉 just friends unless…

America: Jake 👉 destroyed by being put in the friendzone

Libi: I think you’re taking a leaf out of Mr Mullan’s book

Libi: The 💘 is purely fictional

America: If that’s how you want it, Louie’ll stop at non-fictional 🤤 in between scenes

America: 👅💦 staying in his own mouth unless you or Mr Mullan insist

America: he’s not Jake, like you said

Libi: 😂 Omg don’t

Libi: now I won’t be able to do any scenes with anyone without being all 😨😓🤔

America: 😶

Libi: Do you think I can come down with a sudden case of stage fright?

Libi: Can’t exactly fake a note for an out of school hours activity 😏

America: If you hand your role to my sister I’ll come down with genuine 🤮 from watching them perfect their stage 😍💖 on & off it

Libi: Good point

Libi: She’s done literally nothing to deserve that

Libi: I won’t really

Libi: It’s just

America: you’ve gone from 0-1000 where lads are concerned, it’s understandable that you wanna stop the 🎢 & go

America: Lucie allegedly did sign up to the play for 😍💖🍆💫 but the rest of us not so much

Libi: When we do the kiss, it’ll be my first one

Libi: Proper one, not being a kid

America: We could easily arrange you getting kissed before Jake or Louie do the honours

Libi: But who else?

Libi: At the risk of sounding Lucie about it…

Libi: I don’t like anyone so it may as well be fake, right?

Libi: It’s nbd

America: At the risk of sounding like Jake when he thinks he’s doing something cool by playing 😈 advocate for no fucking reason…

America: you don’t sound sure about it being nbd

Libi: Heh, it’s like

Libi: doing stage kisses isn’t, you know?

Libi: but when I think of it as a first, then that does matter a bit

Libi: but that’s stupid, it’s just an arbitrary thing, if I don’t want it to count then it doesn’t, so

Libi: Sorry, this is literally such a non-issue 😬🙄🥴

America: It’s refreshing to have something lowkey to talk about

America: Gary insists on pushing every little thing to crisis point & you know what my sister’s been like about the play 💥

Libi: I do get that

Libi: plenty of dramas to pick from in my family

Libi: it’s crappy when all people want to talk about is what you’re likely spending most of your time thinking about and wanting to not with the rest

America: [some kind of party deets]

America: We won’t be able to hear ourselves think or anyone talk there

Libi: Who’s the host? I don’t recognise the deets

America: You wouldn’t, she goes to [insert name of the nearest catholic school]

Libi: Oh, okay, cool

Libi: I’ll have to ask, obviously

America: let me know if it’s a no before I knock for you

America: don’t wanna get on the bad side of your grandda there’s too many perks to being allowed in your 🏡

America: & your nan already thinks I’m trouble

Libi: She doesn’t, she’s just like that with everyone

Libi: it was kinda her job for most her life so makes sense

America: It’s cool, I recognise the signs you don’t have to cover for her

America: & clearly she does too, trouble & in trouble 🚨

America: is she in touch with any of the people she used to work with who could throw Gary out?

Libi: If only it came with those kind of perks

Libi: He’s still being… himself, then?

America: 🤣 Yeah, you could say that

Libi: And your ma is still blind to it and 😍💖?

Libi: I’ll make sure I say pretty please when I ask about the party then

Libi: Bobby’s invited too, right?

America: She hasn’t stopped believing 🌞 shines out of every one of his holes

America: & ha! I don't know what to tell you about if that'll work or not when I'm literally the wrongest person to ask about asking permission

America: I took it for granted he’d be coming if you are, but obviously invite whoever you want, it’s that kind of party

Libi: It has to fade, everything does

Libi: I’ve got no idea if it’ll work either tbh but it seems like a good place to start 😅

Libi: The more the merrier, got it 🥳

America: Si’s diy tattoos already have & he started those when Chi’s parties stopped, Ciara’s looks like washed off biro

America: maybe don’t tell them I’ll be your 1st kiss if you seriously want to get it over with though 🤫

Libi: 😬 at least the regret will only last as long as the ink

Libi: Don’t tell my grandparents or don’t tell the boys? 🤔😏

America: If the lads don’t know what a bad influence I am, tonight isn’t gonna be the night to be reminded, they’ll be lucky to remember anything

Libi: Heh 😅

Libi: Things with Sean are going well though, yeah?

America: What’s he said?

Libi: Oh God, nothing

Libi: I should’ve phrased that more conversational less unintentional dig, my bad

America: 😐 I knew it

America: he’s uninvited, I’m not gonna be the next Michelle

Libi: I swear he’s said literally nothing

Libi: that was all me

America: He doesn’t have to, you told me going in that he split with her after if it got too serious too fast & his mam hasn’t stopped talking about that

Libi: Mums are just like that with boys

Libi: it isn’t coming from him, that’s what matters, right

America: what matters is not ignoring 🚨🚩

America: & I’ve made up my mind

Libi: To?

America: not pass on the party info to him

Libi: I mean, that’s up to you

America: Yeah & it’s up to him if he turns up anyway, I’m not the only source or saying he can’t

Libi: But maybe, if you want him to come, you should just tell him and not worry about how it could look or could be perceived

America: we’ve been spending loads of time together cos of the play

America: maybe if Mr Mullan wasn’t so trigger happy & had given me more than 1 scene shit could play out differently

America: 💖🔫

Libi: I’m surprised you didn’t get your sister’s role

Libi: not just for namesake reasons

Libi: she is funny, but I wouldn’t have assumed she’d be better suited, you know?

Libi: Suppose she’s known Mr Mullan longer

America: Is she funny or is she mean & people don’t want to realise she’s joking? 🤔🙄

America: Mr Mullan isn’t solely playing safe on the dating apps, I guess

America: I could call him out for not wanting to be on the receiving end of her ‘jokes’ & keep her as a favourite in case you don’t try out again or there’s no other surprise 2nd year star but if I blame him for anything it’s deciding I’m a liability in a bigger role

America: like I signed up with a 🔫 to my head! I wanna be here

Libi: I mean, I don’t think she’s funny IRL at all, but I’m not meant to because she’s definitely mean to me and mine

Libi: but in the role, I’m not going to be unnecessarily bitchy and pretend she’s bad 🤷‍♀️

Libi: That is rude, I don’t think anyone is that desperate to stage kiss and miss a couple of lessons, at best, obviously you want to be here

Libi: He should have a little faith, honestly

America: the script making her look good is on Ms Howe

America: I should've taken art, Mr Mullan's fantasy of what kind of teacher he is is wayyyy closer to her reality

America: though you'd probably have some suspicions I was as 😍💖🐱💫 for you as Jake & Louie are if we had any more shared lessons

Libi: She is a really good teacher, tbh

Libi: Well, I like her

Libi: She doesn’t force her vision onto us, and she basically lets us do what we want, as long as we can prove that there’s artistic merit and skill that goes into it so, yeah 😜👍

Libi: As I only have to kill not kiss you, that’s alright with me 😅

Libi: You could pick it for your senior options, get the fake blood out for old time’s sake

America: I don’t know, I’m sure I’d like her less when she refused to believe my da’s a famous artist

Libi: You’ve got a few years to perfect the lie

America: That’s true, ironically

Libi: 😏

Libi: It’s basically rehearsal, so Mullan can take that as proof of dedication

America: 👌 still won’t hold my breath for the end of year lead but if it means he’ll kiss & make up with me so I can stay dedicated to not being 😍💖🍆💫 over Sean 😜👍

[inserttemptitlehere]

An unasked for “moderate” take on TERFs v Trans rights

Nobody asked, I might get cancelled for this (probably by both sides), and honestly I don’t have much belief that this will even be read by many people. But it’s frustrating seeing people being condemned for reasonable fears and requests and I just feel the need to put my opinions out into the ether just to have them out there and so I can stop dwelling on them every time I see stuff like this happen again. 

Like, I just want to slap all the TERFs that purposefully misgender people and spout transphobic rhetoric. And I want to shake everyone who labels anything that complains about misogyny specific to cis women as TERF-y. God.

It seems like many “TERFs” are not actively malicious (although many definitely are), but are merely women who’ve been sexually assaulted or just been ground down by the patriarchy and are understandably (although not necessarily justifiably) scared/upset at the thought of any person with a male body coming into their safe spaces or into their fought for institutions. Whereas most trans people just want to live their lives and be accepted as the gender they identify as without wanting to cause any harm to anyone (although again, there are some they definitely do). 

I personally found much of JK Rowling’s recent essay to be fear mongering, but given that she suffered abuse from her husband I could understand and sympathize with why she had those fears even though I disagree with her conclusions about the actions society/government should take regarding them. I honestly just feel sad for her. I feel sad that the experiences she’s been through have made her so scared. I feel sad that despite the millions of dollars she’s donated to charity and work she’s done to make the world a better place she has now hurt so many people and this action will be what she’s remembered for. I feel sad that the extremely angry responses she’s gotten will most likely only solidify her fear and perpetuate her actions that will most likely cause more hurt for more people.

I’ll also say that her original tweet that sparked it all was valid! It is dehumanizing to reduce people to their genitals (ironically something people say TERFs do) and it erases the fact that almost all of these people are targeted because they are women. And it feels somewhat sexist as I’ve never seen an article refer to a certain group as “penis havers” or “semen producers”. I can, however, still see how it would be exclusive however to only refer to “people who menstruate” as “women”. A better wording would’ve been “women and trans men”. Because then no one would be left out. And don’t @ me about that somehow leaving out ‘trans women’, because guess what, there are cis women who don’t menstruate! If we can recognize that “Not all men” is a bad take, why on earth are we accepting “Not all women” as a correct one?

Look, not all cis women menstruate. Not all cis women can or do become pregnant. But we still label these as generic ‘women’s issues’ because they affect a large portion of women. But it should go both ways! I believe that makes the gross femininity trans women need to perform to qualify for hormones a ‘women’s issue’ and the difficulty of getting insurance to cover said hormones a ‘women’s issue’. Because they’re issues that affects a large portion of women. Heck, I know most Transmen find the fact that some TERFs include them in their feminism irritating, but I’m also fine with including specific issues affecting the ones that don’t feel that way as ‘feminist issues’.

I am 100% against misgendering people, am 100% supportive of including trans women’s specific issues as part of the overall fight to help women, and I will happily state “transwomen are women”. But, I do agree that there are a handful of cis women spaces/institutions that it becomes morally grey to accept transwomen into without any sort of provisions. Especially given the fact that if there were absolutely zero strings attached to legally identifying a certain way, then there are definitely cis people who would abuse the system. Personally, I don’t think we should completely structure our society based on these fears - although I can again understand the people who have not had as privileged of a life as I have feeling differently (even if I ultimately disagree with them).

Anyway my take on said spaces/institutions:

Bathrooms: Single parents of opposite sexed kids already use the opposite gendered bathroom to teach them how to use it (and should be allowed to). If a cis man wants to rape you in a bathroom that you’re alone in, I don’t think the societal norms are really going to stop him. And since trans people just want to use the bathroom in peace, let them. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt comfortable peeing in public and thus never felt the bathroom to be a ‘safe space’, but I’ve never understood the argument against this.

Changing rooms: Go where you identify. If you start acting like a creep, then there should be some course of action to either get you banned or limit your access to said changing room. That policy should hold for cis or trans people.

Women’s support groups: Already made my opinion on this clear I hope. Although I will say that if talk about certain genitalia/bodily functions is triggering, it’s not right to shut down all discussion regarding those things for the other people there. Instead we should have, you know, trigger warnings so that everyone can either prepare themselves accordingly or leave the room and no one is triggered or feels like they are unable to talk about their issues.

Rape shelters: It is 100% valid for a cis woman that was a victim of rape to not want to share their space with someone with a working penis. If there is absolutely nothing that can be done to make said person feel safe, then it should be the right of the shelter to refuse long term stay to the person causing that issue (through no fault of their own) - although the shelter should do everything it can to make sure the trans woman has a place to stay/go. On the other hand, if a trans woman was already there before such a victim, it would not be right to toss out the trans woman to grant access to the cis woman who has the problem with them.

Sports: I personally don’t know enough of the science behind it, but it seems to me that bare minimum they shouldn’t be allowed to compete without doing hormone therapy. And even then the skeletal differences and remaining hormonal differences may still prevent things from being reasonably fair (although I wouldn’t know). It’s definitely not fair to let a trans person pre-hormones compete on the team their gender matches with. Honestly, in an ideal world we’d somehow have an objective way to sort sports into co-ed groups based on athletic ability similar to how weight classes work for wrestling.

Prisons: Non violent crime? Go where you identify. Violent crime? Sorry, gotta go based on your sex (unless you’ve had bottom surgery). It is immoral to lock a convicted rapist with a penis in a cell with women who have no way of getting away from them. I mean, maybe we could have ‘wings’ for trans people so they could go to the prison they identify as and they’d just have separate cells. But until that becomes the norm, the few violent trans criminals should not be allowed to go where they identify.

Kids: Not an institution, but definitely a hot topic. Personally, I think only puberty blockers until they hit adulthood and extensive therapy to make sure that they are in fact trans. Admittedly JK Rowling’s essay about this bit sounded a bit like, “The spooky trans cult is coming for your neurodivergent and gay children!” But it did have small feeling of truth to it as well. As a GNC, cis, autistic woman who had dysphoria as a teen I also worry that I might have been incorrectly diagnosed as trans if I’d been born later. But I don’t think it’s something we as a society need to be extremely worried about or use as an excuse to make things harder on trans kids and adults. We just need to make sure that kids get the therapy they need to sort out whether they’re trans or just having the common dysphoria you have as a teen and chafing against gender roles. We can rubber stamp adults if they want, it’s only kids that should have to go through some minor hoops.

Finally, on being “Gender Critical”. I have to say, the idea of smashing the concept of gender and everybody just living as they are with no societal expectations for them to be one way or another based loosely on their biological sex sounds wonderful. I’m just upset that so many who support this concept are so transphobic because technically in that future there would be no ‘trans’ people (except those that suffer dysphoria) and they feel this gives them the right to act horribly towards trans people. I did recently talk to some TRAs who explained to me that, unlike ‘Gender Critical’ proponents, their ‘gender’ model is split into multiple components. That you’ve got your biological sex (your parts), your gender identity (what you feel you are), your gender presentation (how you dress and act), and gender roles (how society expects you to act based on your gender). So it seems to me, that we can still reach a version of that wonderful future that doesn’t erase people. Smashing gender roles and the idea that there is a ‘correct’ way to present as a gender would achieve ‘female liberation’ while still allowing for people who still desire to identify a certain way. We shouldn’t completely do away with gender, just the things that society expects from it. 

[nerdygaymormon]

Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1)   I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2)   I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3)   I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4)   I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.  

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5)   BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6)   The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7)   After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8)   In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9)   Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10)   The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11)   I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12)   I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13)   Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14)   In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me. 

15)   To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16)   A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17)   Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18)   In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19)   Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20)   My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21)   Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22)   I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23)   It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24)   I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25)   I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.

[wrckhvck]

Tokyo: Hogwarts AU

       (   lowkey  based  off  of  james  and  lily  potter’s  seventh  year;   elena  is  head  girl  and  damon  is  head  boy  )

            when  their  hogwarts  letters  arrive  over  the  summer,  it’s  not  a  surprise  to  see  one  of  the  salvatore  brothers   has  a  head  boy  badge  enclosed  in  the  envelope.  the  surprise  is  which  brother  –  DAMON,   the  slytherin,  the  troublemaker,  the  one  who  probably  spent  more  time  in  detention  the  year  previous  than  on  the  quidditch  pitch.  maybe  that’s  the  trade  off;   stefan’s  gryffindor’s  quidditch  captain,   and  damon’s  the  one  left  to  pursue  less  FUN  endeavors  in  their  final  school  year.    

          “  dumbledore’s  finally  lost  his  marbles. ”   he  remarks,  turning  the  badge  over  in  his  hands.  he  thinks  that  maybe  there’s  a  small  part  of  him  that  feels  pride  but  he  mostly  believes  it’s  an  error  –  that  he’ll  turn  up  on  the  first  day  and  someone  will  rip  it  from  his  robes  and  pin  it  on  its  rightful  owner.    the  letter  says  damon  though  …  and  as  far  as  he  knows,  mistakes  like  this  have  never  been  made.   

          “  or  maybe  he’s  trying  to  keep  you  so  busy,  brother,  you  don’t  have  time  to  make  everyone  else’s  lives  hell. ”  stefan  smirks,  shoves  his  shoulder  as  he  heads  to  the  door.  “  c’mon,  let’s  practice.  we  might  play  for  opposing  teams,  but  we’ve  both  got  to  be  at  the  top  of  our  games.  ”    it’s  been gryffindor  vs  slytherin  in  the  finals  the  last  three  years  …  all  of  which  slytherin  has  won.      damon  smirks,  calls  out  after  him.   “  speak  for  yourself.   i  could  fly  blindfolded  and  we’d  STILL  win.  ”   he  ducks  a  curse  that  flies  by  his  head,  spares  one  last  look  at  the  badge  before  heading  out  into  the  gardens.  he  doesn’t  give  much  thought  to  who  his  head  girl  will  be  until  they  arrive  at  kings  cross  station  weeks  later.   too  little,  too late.

* * *

      he  goes  with  stefan  to  the  prefect’s  compartment  on  the  train,  catching  a  few  strange  looks  that  are  sent  his  way.   his  head  boy  badge  is  hidden  with  a  charm,  will  be  activated  with a  flourish  as  soon  as  someone  —     he’s  broken  off  mid-thought  by  an  unimpressed  looking  elena  gilbert.   pinned  to  her  chest  is,  of  course,   a  head  girl  badge.    for  fuck’s  sakes. 

         it  isn’t  just  that  they  can’t  stand  each  other.   it  isn’t  that  she  used  to  date  his  brother,  or  that  he  once  knocked  her  brother  off  his  broom  with  his  beater’s  club  in  a  match  against  gryffindor.  it’s  a  combination  of  events  that  have  culminated  over  their  hogwarts  career.   he  couldn’t  say  what  it  was  –  though  if  he’s  honest,  he  thinks  some  of  it  is  unavoidable:   slytherin  vs  gryffindor  drama  –   but  there’s  easily  no  one  in  the  entire  castle  he  could  work  less  amicably  with  than  elena.   he  is,  for  lack  of  a  better  word,  fucked.  

    “  you’re  not  supposed  to  be  back  here,  damon.  ”   she  levels  him  with  a  hard  stare,  motioning  to  the  compartment.   “  prefects  and  heads  only.   you’ll  have  to  go  sit  with  your  friends. ”   her  nose  wrinkles.   it’s  no  secret  she  hates  his  housemates,  especially  the  few  he  hangs  around  with  on  the regular.  katherine  and  elena’s  hatred  for  each  other  is  legendary,  even  worse  after  she  found  out  stefan  had  ‘  accidentally  ’  been  tricked  into  dating  both  of  them.   damon  doesn’t  even  begin  to  try  to  understand  their  relationship.   for  twins,  the  two  couldn’t  be  any  different.   the  only  person  he’d  really  claim  as  a  friend  is  enzo,  or  maybe  alaric  …  but  he’s  a  ravenclaw  and  one  of  the  few  people  who  knows  about  damon’s  head  boy  status.    he’s  snickering  from  behind  elena,  his  girlfriend  jo  looking  like  the  cat  that  ate  the  canary.  for  a  hufflepuff,  she’s  surprisingly  devious.   it’s  not  surprising  that  ric’s  already  spilled  the  beans.

         “  oh,  my  bad.  did  i  forget  to  tell  you  –   stefan,  did  i  forget  to  tell  her  ?  ”   stefan,  to  his  credit,  refuses  to  engage.   shakes  his  head,  tells  him  he’s  not  getting  in  the  middle  of  this.    “  i  actually  am  welcome  here  because  ...  would  you  look  at  that.  ”   he  taps  his  wand  against  the  front  of  his  robes,  the  badge  now  full  on  display  for  all  to  see.    “  i’m  your  head  boy.  ”     

           silence  stretches  throughout  the  cabin.   for  a  minute,  damon  is  sure  the  angry  vein  on  elena’s  forehead  is  going  to  lose  its  fight  and  give  in.   instead  she  grounds  her  foot  into  the  floor,  forces  a  smile,  and  grabs  his  hand.   “  that’s  great.  hey,  we  should talk  about  our  duties.  ”   before  he  has  a  chance  to  say   a  word,  she’s  tugged  him  out  into  the  hallway  and  her  hands  smack against  his  chest.    “  tell  me  what  you  did,  salvatore.  tell  me  how  you  –  how  you  tricked  your  way  into  this.   did  you  bewitch  the  professors  ?   use  polyjuice  to  have  a  decent  person  advocate  for  you  ?  it  doesn’t  add  up.  there’s  no  way  anyone  with  half  a  brain  would  think  YOU  are  fit  to  lead  the  students  …  to  be  a  leader.  ”

             he’s  had  the  same  thoughts,  but  he  didn’t  need  to  hear  her  repeat  them.  his  features  cool  as  he  wrenches  back.   “  i’m  not  the  one  moaning  in  the  corridor  about  how  unpleasant  my  co-head  is.  ”   he  reminds  her.   “  be  careful  you  don’t  fall  off  that  pedestal  you’re  teetering  on.  ”     he  flashes  a  smile;   all  teeth,  fake,  before  heading  into  the  compartment.   

         they  don’t  say  another  word  to  each  other  the  entire  journey  back  to  school.   

* * *

    “  this  is  where  you’ll  be  staying.  ”   professor  dumbledore  guides  them  down  a  hallway  off  the  great  hall.   “  there’s  an  office  through  here.  you  can  use  it  for  paperwork,  or  for  meeting  with  your  prefects.    yes,  mr.  salvatore  ….  there  will  be  paperwork …  and  no,  you  can’t  leave  it  all  to  ms.  gilbert.  ”   he  looks  over  at  them  from  under  his  glasses,  having  foretold  the  comments  he  would  have  made  before  he  could  make  them.  it  was  eerie.     “  through  here  are  your  rooms.  ”

     “  our  rooms  ?  ”   it’s  elena  who  speaks  first,  but  they  say something  to  the  same  effect   at  the  same  time.   professor  dumbledore  smiles  knowingly,  pushes  the  door  open.   there’s  a  common  sitting  area  with  plush  couches  and  a  coffee  table.  there’s  a  set  of  exploding  snap  cards  on  top,  and  what  looks  like  a  chess  set  underneath.   there  are  two  doors  –  one  in  each  direction.   the  first  thing  damon  notices  is  the  lack  of  doorknobs.   “  they’ll  be  linked  to  your  magical  signatures.  ”   the  headmaster  explains.   “  to  your  wand,  and  only  your  wand.  ”   he  motions  for  elena  to  follow  him  first,  linking  her  magic  before  doing  the  same  with  the  other  for  him.    “  you  two  have  been  chosen  to  be  role-models  for  your  fellow  students.  i  suggest  you  take  some  time  and  reflect  on  that  responsibility  and  what  that  means  for  you.   the  feast  is  at  seven  …  do  try  and  be  on  time.  ”   then,  as  abruptly  as  he’d  collected  them  at  the  carriages,  he’s  gone  again.  it’s  just  them.

        “  you  heard  him.  ”   it’s  elena  that  speaks  up,  her  trunk  following  behind  her  by  magic as  it  walks  itself  into  her  room  and  she sits  on  one  of  the  couches.  “  this  is  serious,  damon.   you  might  not  care  about  anything  but  i  do.  i  won’t  have  you  ruining  this  for  me.  ”    she  pauses,  adds.  “  for  either  of  us.  ”    he  resists  the  urge  to  roll  his  eyes,  says  nothing  as  he  fetches  his  own  things.     

       he  never  plans  on  ruining  things,  that’s  the  problem.  it  simply  happens  anyway. 

* * *

         the  first  few  weeks  actually  go  smoothly.   no  one  ends  up  in  tears,  damon’s  actually  surprisingly  good  at  rounds  even  if  he  does  keep  partnering  up  people  that  hate  each  other  for  his  own  amusement,  and  if  he’d  do  his  paperwork  ?  maybe  elena  would  have  had  no  complaints  about  him.   it’s  with  a  stack  of  paperwork  in  hand  that  she  enters  their  common  room,  voice  yelping  in  surprise  when  not  only  is  he  there  but  he’s  not  alone.   caroline  forbes  springs  away  from  damon  like  she’s  been  burned,  calculating  eyes  narrowed  in  elena’s  direction.   “  seriously  ?  knock  much  ?  ”      she’s  too  stunned  to  even  comment  back,  just  watches  the  slytherin  walk  off.   she’s  friends  with  katherine  for  some  strange  reason  –  elena  thinks  anyone  who  decides  to  be  friends  with  katherine  has  some  serious  judgement  issues –  but  they’ve  never  really  had  much  interaction.   nor  has,  elena  realizes,  she  had  much  with  damon.   this  is  a  new  development.

         “ since  when  are  you  hooking  up  with  caroline  ?  ”    his  response  is  said  casually,  standing  up  and  fastening  his  belt.   his  shirt  is  open,  exposing  his  chest,  and  she  covers  her  face  with  her  hands.  at  some  point  when  she’d  come  in,  the  papers  had  slipped  from  her  hands  and  were  decorating  their  floor.    “  —  since  when  do  you  care ?  ”       she  starts.    “  i  don’t  care.  i  care  that  you’re  —  that  you’re  doing  that  in  our  shared  common  room.   my  friends  sit  on   that  couch.  your  friends  sit  on  that  couch  !  ”    he  smirks.    “  mine  do  a  lot  more  than  sit.  ”      her  nose  wrinkles,  a  pillow  thrown  in  his  direction  as  she  stalks  to  her  room.   “  just  do  your  bloody  paperwork,  salvatore.  it  isn’t  rocket  science.  ”

* * *

       it’s  halloween.   there’s  a  party  in  the  gryffindor  commons,  so  somehow  it’s  fallen  on  elena  and  damon  to  do  rounds  with  their  prefects  out  of  commission.  they  walk  in  relative  silence,  their  route  taking  them  out  by  the  lake.  it’s  a  beautiful  night,  made  only  less  so  by  the  company.   or  it  would  be  maybe,  but  damon  hasn’t  said  a  word  since  they  left  the  castle.  it’s  …  unnerving,  if  she’s  honest.  

      “  you’re  unusually  quiet.  ”   she  stops,  turning  towards  him.  she  thinks  he  looks  pale  in  the  moonlight;   young,  less  like  the  prat  who  is  usually  trying  to  get  under  her  skin.   when  he  doesn’t  reply,  only  cracks  a  half-smile,  she  actually  feels  …  worry.   it’s  new  and  she’s  not  sure  she  likes  it.   “  i’m  serious,  damon.  ”   her  eyes  soften,  a  hand  reaches  for  his  arm.   “  is  something  wrong  ?  ”     she  watches  his  eyes  dart  to  her  arm,  like  maybe he’s  debating  throwing  her  off.   he  doesn’t  though,  simply  sighs.   “  our  mother  loved  halloween.  ”   he  says  instead,  throwing  her  off.   “  stefan  doesn’t  really  remember.  maybe  he  blocked  it  out,  or  maybe  he  doesn’t  want  to  remember  …  but  it  was  her  favorite  holiday.  ”     he  shrugs.   “  she  died  when  i  was  11.   it’s  why  i  started  late.  ”   it’s  never  something  he’s  talked  about  –  that  she  knows  of.   everyone  knew  that  the  salvatores  started  school  together,  were  in  the  same  year  even  though  they  weren’t  twins.    she  hadn’t  known  why  …  not  until  now.    “  i  miss  her  more  on  halloween  than  i  do  on  her  birthday,  or  on  the  anniversary of  her  death.  ”    he  smiles,  she  thinks  he  might  even  have  tears  in  his  eyes.    “  it’s  stupid  …  and  i  don’t  know  why  i’m  saying  any  of  this  to  you.  ”

          she   knows  why   he  is.   she  knows  that  he  knows  that  she  understands  the  feeling.   her  parents  had  died  2  years  earlier;   a  car  crash,  of  all  things.   magic  hadn’t  been  enough  to  save  them  and  she’d  lost  them  both  in  one  fell  swoop.   there’s  a  club  for  dead  parents,  a  feeling  that  you  don’t  understand  until  you  experience  it  for  yourself,  and  her  heart  breaks  for  him  similarly  to  how  it  breaks  for  herself.  it  never  gets  easier.  it’s  a  wound  that  heals  and  reopens  on  a  near  constant   basis.    “  i  won’t  tell  anyone.  ”   she  says  instead.   her  hand  finds  his,  squeezes  once.   “  i  promise.  ”      their  eyes  meet  and  she  feels  …  well,  she  isn’t  sure  what  she  feels,  or  if  she  even  wants  to.   they  continue  their  rounds,  say  goodnight  when  they  get  back  to  their  common  room,  and  she  thinks  about  that  moment  by  the  lake  up  until  the  moment  sleep  finally  claims  her.   

* * *

        they  fall  into  something  unfamiliar.   friendship,  or  something  like  it.   he  brings  her  breakfast,  she  finishes  his  paperwork  without  complaining.  they  become  symbiotic;  the  perfect  team.   she  actually  looks  forward  to  seeing  him  at  the  end  of  the  day,  of  sitting  with  him  by  the  fire  and  comparing  notes  on  their  days.   he  put  the  wrong  ingredient  in  his  potion  and  lost  12  house  points,  while  she  overslept  and  missed  breakfast  only  to  realize  when  she  got  to  her  class  that  she’d  grabbed  the  wrong  books.  they  laugh  until  their  sides  ache,  her  feet  in  his  lap  as  he  massages  them.   she  doesn’t  think  anything  of  it  until  she  meets  bonnie  for  their  study  date,  waves  goodbye  to  damon  as  he  passes  through  their  common  area  to  his  room.   

         when  the  door  clicks  shut,  bonnie  is  spinning  –  a  finger  pointed  straight  at  her.   “  what.  was.  that.  ”   her  best  friend  doesn’t  look  mad,  just  surprised.   “  am  i  losing  it  or  did  i  just  witness  you  and  damon  salvatore  having  a  moment  ?  ”    elena  rolls  her  eyes.   “  no,  no  moment.  geez,  bon.  this  isn’t  one  of  those  trashy  romance  novels  your  mom  reads.  ”   her  teeth  dig  into  her  lower  lip.     for  the  first  time  in  years,  she’s  lying  to  her  best  friend  …  but  he’s  also  lying  to  herself.    she  doesn’t  know  what’s  going  on  between  her  and  damon  but  she  knows  it’s  different.  maybe  he’s  different,  or  maybe  he’s  just  finally  let  her  see  the  good  parts  of  himself  that  he  usually tries  to hide.   “  we’re  friends.  ”          bonnie  isn’t  swayed.   “  friends  don’t  look  at  you  like  they  know  how  you  taste.  you  haven’t  –  ”     she  cuts  her  off.   “  god,  no.   he  used  to   have  a  thing  with  katherine.   we’re  –  it’s  not  like  that.  ”    it’s  not.   is  it?     they  go  back  to  studying  but  bonnie’s  words  haunt  her  well  into  the  night.  

* * *

         it’s  been  going  so  well,  so  it’s  no  surprise  things  take  a  turn  after  christmas  holidays.  damon  comes  back  from  break  and  elena  has  a  boyfriend.   some  guy  named  matt  donovan,  a  muggleborn  hufflepuff   he  thinks.   they  both  stayed  at  the  castle  over  the  break  and  somehow  decided  they  were  perfect  for  each  other.    he  hates  it.   he  especially  hates  seeing  matt  donovan  in  their  shared  common  room,  has  imagined  ripping  him  limb  from  limb  so  many times  he’s  even  checked  his  hands  to  make  sure  he  hasn’t  actually  done  it.   

             thankfully  quidditch  is  a  welcome  distraction,  something  he  throws  himself  into  leading  up  to  the  first  match  of  the  new  year;  slytherin  vs  hufflepuff.    he’s  at  the  top  of  his  game,  in  perfect  sync  with  enzo.   they’ve  always  been  in  tune  with  each  other,  the  best  set  of  beaters  hogwarts  has  seen  in  decades.   with  katherine  as  seeker  and  klaus  as  keeper  and captain  intimidating   everyone  into  submission,  their  team  has  shaped  into  something  even  more  formidable  than  in  year’s  past.   they’re  unstoppable  –  it’s  almost  unfair  to  let  hufflepuff  even  take  the field.    they  lose  280-10  and  that  10  was  a  pity  shot  klaus  ignored  when  cami  o’conner  sent  the  quaffle  hurling  his  way.   suffice  to  say,  damon’s  in  good  spirits  when  his  feet  hit  the  ground.   it  doesn’t  last  long  though  before  matt  donovan  is  on  him,  shoves  him  and  gets  up  in  his  face.  “  you  almost  killed  me,  you  dick.  ”     damon  stares,  has  no  idea  what  he’s  talking  about.   he  likes  to  think  he’d  remember  almost  killing  the  guy.   he  does  hate  him,  after  all.   “  you  look  fine  to  me.  ”   he  replies  instead,  pushing  the  boy  back  when  matt  advances.  it  turns  into  an  all  out  war,  the  teams  squabbling  with  each  other  until  madam  hooch  blows  the  whistle  and  separates  them.  

                                  “  ENOUGH.   DETENTION,  ALL  OF  YOU.  ”

        damon  doesn’t  bother  hitting  the  showers,  instead  going  straight  to  the  head  quarters  with  a  hand  pressed  to  his  jaw.   donovan  managed  to  get  at  least  two  square  punches  in;    one  along  his  jaw,  splitting  his  lip,  and  another  on  his  right  eye.   he’s  not  upset  about  it  though  …  he’s  pretty  sure  he  gave  the  boy  a  matching  set.   he’s  grinning  at  the  thought  as  he  walks  inside,  nearly  smacks  into  elena  on  her  way  out.  unsurprisingly,  she’s  livid.    “  are  you  out  of  your  mind  ?  ”    she’s  shouting,   eyes  wild  as  her  hands  come  up.    “  i  can’t  believe  you  started  a  fight  with  my  boyfriend.   especially  after  what  you  did.  ”       he’s  angry  now,  unable  to  believe  they’re  here  yet  again  with  her  assuming  he’s  done  the  worst  before  he’s  even  done  it.    “  i  didn’t  do  anything  to  matty  blue  eyes.  ”   he  snaps  back.   “  if  i  wanted  to  hurt  him,  he’d  be  in  the  hospital  wing.   bloody  hell,  elena.   what  kind  of  monster  do  you  think  i  am  ?   i  might  not  like  the  guy  but  i  wouldn’t  intentionally  hurt  him.   if  a  bludger  almost  hit  him,   it  was  an  accident.    but  i  can’t  say  i  regret  it  because  he’s  an  idiot.  maybe  getting  hit  in  the  head  will  shake  things  up  in  there  and  he’ll  be  a  smidgen  smarter  than  a  box  of  rocks.  ”    he  knows  he’s  gone  too  far,  sees  the  look  on  her  face  that  hasn’t  been  reserved  for  him  in  awhile.   “  you’re  such  a  dick.  ”   she  says  quietly,   voice  wavering.   “  i  don’t  know  why  i  thought  you  could  change.  ”  

* * *

       they  don’t  talk  for  three  weeks.  when  they  pass  each  other  in  the  halls,  they  pretend  the  other  doesn’t  exist.  if  you  ask  anyone,  it’s  almost  worse  than  the  fighting.  they  only  communicate  via  the  prefects  and  it’s  a  constant  headache.  currently  elena’s  finishing  up  some  paperwork  in  the  library,  avoiding  their  common  area  like  it’s  dragon  pox.   she’s  just  finishing  her  last  stack  when  a  group  of  students  pass  by  her  row,  sit  across  from  the  bookshelf  she’s  tucked  behind.  they  can’t  see  her  but  she  can  hear  them  clear  as  day.  it’s  matt  and  a  couple  of  his  friends  –  trip,  she  thinks,  and  maybe  gabe  ?  she’s  only  met  them  a  handful  of  times.    they’re  talking  about  plans  for  the  summer  —  trips  they  want  to take,  girls  they  want  to  date,  and  while  elena’s  not  trying  to  eavesdrop  she  does  perk  up  when  she  hears  her  name.   “  what  about  gilbert  ?   i  know  you  said  that  was  going  nowhere  with  salvatore  in  the  picture  but  — “     she  hears  matt  shh  him,  his  voice  dropping  into  a  whisper.    she  can’t  hear  what’s  being  said  but  she  has  a  feeling  she  knows.   matt  lied.   the  terrible  things  she  accused  damon  of  doing  –  of  being  –   were  all  a  set-up.     her  stomach  turns,  eyes  welling  up  with  tears.   god,  why  is  she  so  stupid  ?     damon  was  a  bad  guy,   did  bad  things,  but  he’d  been  better  and  she’d  completely  disregarded  that.    she  hadn’t  thought  anything   about  it  because  lately  he’d  been  up  to  his  old tricks:   mouthing  off  in  class,  living  out  of  the  detention  hall,  and  skiving  off  rounds  until  she  was  forced  to  yell  at  him  to  get  him  back  on  track.  she’d  just  assumed  it  was  damon  being  damon.   her  guilt  swallows  her  up  and  she  pales,  gathers  her  books  into  her  arms  and  flees.   

       she  breaks  up  with  matt  the  next  day.   she  doesn’t  tell  him  what  she  overheard,  just  says  that  she  doesn’t  feel  like  she’ll  ever  love  him  and  they  should  end  things  before  it  gets  too  serious.   he  says  he  understands  but  starts  calling  her  the  ice  queen  behind  her  back.   she  thinks  it’s  funny.   she  wishes  she  was  made  of  ice,  unattached  and  unaffected  by  her  surroundings.   she  thinks  it  would  be  easier  than  dealing  with  the  alternatives.   admitting  you’re  wrong  is  hard  …  made  even  harder  when  the  person  you  need  to  apologize  to  is  making  themselves  scarce.  

       it  takes  her  a  week  before  she’s  able  to  track  him  down.   he’s  up  on  the  astronomy  tower,  feet  dangling  over  the  edge  as  he  drinks  from  a  bottle  of  firewhiskey.   she  resists  the  urge  to  yell  at  him,  to  chastise  and  further  isolate  him  from  her.   instead  she  comes  to  stand  behind  him,  takes  the  bottle  and  sips  from  it.  she  coughs  as  it  burns,  her  throat  on  fire  as  she  tries  to  breathe  through  it.  he  seems  surprised  that  she  even  took  a  drink  which  emboldens  her.   he  underestimates  her.    “  i  came  to  apologize.  ”    she  says  it  slowly,  watches  as  he  moves  to  stand.  maybe  he  thinks  it’s  a  fake  out,  that  she’s  about  to  push  him  off  the  tower.  she  has  threatened  as  much  in  the  past.    “  for  what  i  said  before,  about  you  and  matt.  i  know  he  lied.  ”   she  swallows  hard.   “  it  wasn’t  your  fault.  it  was  mine.  ”    his  eyes  search  hers  and  she  can’t  do  it;   she’s  lost  her  nerve,  can’t  tell  him  WHY  matt  felt  the  need  to  lie.    she  can’t  tell  him  that  matt  figured  out  what  she’s  been  hiding  all  this  time,  that  he  knows  even  better  than  she  does  how  she  feels.   she  can’t.   she’s  not  ready.     “  i  just  thought  you  should  know.  ”       he  raises  a  brow,  catches  her  arm  when  she  turns  to  leave.   “  you  said  you  were  coming  to  apologize.  ”   he  reminds  her.    she  nods,  confused.   “  you  never  actually  said  you  were  sorry.  ”   he  points  out.   his  eyes  are  sparkling  and  lips  twitch  up  in  that  trademark  smirk  of  his.      that  damn  smirk.      “  you  know  what  i  meant.  ”   she  replies  with  a  roll  of  her  eyes,  steps  closer  to  him  and  tilts  her  head.   “  i  am  sorry.  ”     there’s  a  moment.   silence  stretches,  her  eyes  meet  his,  and  she  thinks  —  yes,  if  he  kisses  me  …  i’ll   kiss  him  back.     but  he  doesn’t.   he  smiles,  leans  in,   and  presses  a  kiss  against  her  cheek.   it  burns  long  after  he’s  left  the  astronomy  tower  in  his  wake.

* * *

         february  and  march  pass  without  excitement.  things  aren’t  quite  back  to  where  they  once  were,  but  there’s  a  change  between  them  —  an  electricity  that  never  existed  before.  for  damon,  he’s  always  been  cognizant  of  it;   a  pull  he’s  felt  towards  elena,  even  when  he  knew  he  shouldn’t.   but,  he’d  discounted  it  from   the  realm  of  possibility  given  their  histories  —  him,  with  katherine,  and  her  with  stefan.    the  more  time  they  spend  with  each  other,  the  more  they  gravitate  into  each  other’s  orbit,  the  less  problematic  it  seems.   they  fight;   they  squabble,  they  hardly  ever  agree,  and  she’s  constantly  curbing  his  worst  instincts  but  they  compliment  each  other.    he  tests  her,  brings  her  out  of  her  comfort  zone,  and  she  reels  him  back  in  when  he’s  about  to  go  off  the  rails.    they  weirdly  work,  which  is  why  he’s  been  so  hesitant  to  make  a  move.   somewhere  in  the  last  few  months  —  somehow  —   elena  gilbert  has  become  his  best  friend.   maybe  more  than,  if  he’s  being  honest.    but  if  they  cross  that  line,  if  they  try  and  they  fail  ?   all  that  goes  away.    he’s  selfish  in  that  he  needs  her  ...  can’t  decide  if  it’s  worth  the  risk.

               the  choice  is  made  for  him.   they’ve  got  people  over  in  the  common  area;   stefan  and  klaus  are  engaged  in  a  rousing  game  of  exploding  snap,  while  bonnie  alternates  between  making  out  with  enzo  and  braiding  caroline’s  hair.   no  one’s  seen  alaric  for  awhile  now  but  damon’s  pretty  sure  if  they  looked  out  in  the  hallway,  they’d  see  a  pair  of  prefects  wrapped  around  each  other  where  no  one  can  see  ...  unless  of  course  you’re  trying  to  leave.    his  suspicions  are  confirmed  when  he  tries  to  take  a  smoke  break,  rolls  his  eyes  and  returns  to  the  spot  next  to  elena.   she’s  drinking  firewhiskey  straight  from  the  bottle  —  an  improvement  from  that  first  time  where  she’d  nearly  spit  it  back  out.    he  smiles  to  himself,  leans  back  against  the  couch  as  her  head  settles  on  his  shoulder.   it’s  nice.   he  likes  it.    or  rather,  he  likes  her.    he’s  known  it  for  awhile,  but  knowing  and  putting  to  words  are  two  very  different  things.   as  her  hand  rests  on  his  knee,  he  knows  he’s  about  to  do  something  very  stupid.  thankfully  he’s  saved  by  the  returning  alaric,  who  holds  up  a  fresh bottle  of  firewhiskey  and  says  the  words  damon  will  never  forget:    “  who  wants  to  play  truth  or  dare  ?  ”

           nearly  everyone  says  yes,  so  they  all  find  their  way  to  the  floor  and  decide  to  spin  to  see  who  goes  first.  it  lands  on  bonnie  who  picks  truth,  and  they  find  out  that  her  first  crush  was  a  boy  named  kaleb  in  primary   school.   she  spins  and  it  lands  on  stefan,  who  picks  dare  and  is  forced  to  sit  in  klaus’  lap  until  one  of  them  cries  uncle.  given  their  combined  levels  of  stubbornness,  he  assumes  they’re  in  it  for  the  long  haul.   after  stefan,  caroline  is  dared  to  drink  until  she  can’t  anymore,  and  then  jo  confesses  her  secret  crush  on  professor  flitwick.     after  that,  it  finally  lands  on  damon.   he  has  a  choice  to  make,  so  he  makes  the  obvious  one.   “  dare.  ”     he  watches  how  jo’s  eyes  flit  from  alaric,  to  him,  and  then  over  to  elena.   he  knows  almost  instantly  that  this  is  going  to  end  poorly.   that  lines  will  be  crossed  ...  lines  that  can’t  be  uncrossed.    “ i  dare  you  to  kiss  someone  in  this  room.   on  the  lips,  no  cheating.  ”     she’s  given  him  an  out,  an  escape  ...  but  he  knows  he  won’t  take  it.    he  won’t  kiss  jo,  would  rather  swallow  razor blades  than  kiss  caroline  again,   and  bonnie  would  rip  his  lips  off  before  he  got  within  50  ft  of  her.   there’s  always  ric,  or  klaus,  but  neither  of  those  options  seem  appealing.    elena  seems  to  have  realized  it  too,  her  cheeks  turning  a  bright  shade  of  pink  as  she  straightens  up.   “  guys,  ”    she  drags  the  syllables  out.   “  c’mon  ...  how  old  are  we,  12  ?   give  him  another  one.  ”     he  cuts  her  off,  interjecting  with  a  shrug.   cavalier,  or  as  cavalier  as  he  can  be  when  his  heart  is  thudding  in  his  chest.   “  it’s  fine.  it’s  just  a  kiss,  right  ?  ”    elena  meets  his  gaze,  nods  her  head.  “ yeah.  ”   she  agrees.   “  just  a  kiss.  ”

         the  room  quiets  as  he  shifts,  brings  a  hand  up  to  curve  around  the  back  of  her  neck.   he  feels  his  cheeks  flushing  as  he  leans  in,  presses  his  lips  against  hers.   he  intends  for  it  to  be  soft;    slow,  even,  testing  the  waters,  but  what  he  plans  and  what  happens  are  two  very  different  things.   their  lips  touch  and  her  hand  comes  up  to  press  against  his  chest,  goosebumps  prickling  his  arms  as  he  shivers.   the  kiss  deepens  and  someone  shifts  closer  until  suddenly  she’s  half  in  his  lap,  a  leg  strewn  over  his  own  in  a  bid  to  get  closer.   he  thinks  he  hears  someone  whistling  but  it’s  impossible  to  think  of  anything  beyond  how  amazing  it  feels  to  kiss  her   ...  to  be  kissed  by  her.     when  they  pull  away,  neither  one  of  them  says  anything.   they  exchange  stolen  glances  out  of  the  corner  of  their  eyes,  don’t  talk  about  what  happened  even  after  all  of  their  friends  have  left.   it  should  be  weird  but  somehow  they  just  ...  fall  into  place.   he  carries  her  books  to  class,  she  snuggles  up  with  him  after  class  on  the  couch  and  falls  asleep  in  his  lap.     one  day  he  kisses  her  in  the  hallway  and  the  whole  school  collectively  loses  it.    they  go  from  friends,  to  lovers,  to  everything  in  the  span  of  a  few  weeks  without  missing  a  beat.   it  works  —  it  fits.

           on  the  last  day  of  school,  on  the  platform  where  they  first  met,  it’s  only  natural  that  damon  asks  her  to  spend  the  summer  with  him.   she  accepts  and  the  summer  bleeds  into  the  year,  and  then  another,  and  then  before  you  know  it  they’re  married  and  taking  their  kids  to  kings  cross  station  for  their  first  year  at  hogwarts.   

       the  years  pass  quickly  and  without  warning  but  through  it  all  ?    they  face  it  together  ...  as  a  team.     

             perhaps  albus  dumbledore  had  known  what  he  was  doing  all  along.

[theatresteph]

Stan culture in The 100 is the worst

I’m so bloody tired of Octavia stans and Clexa stans dominating the fandom and acting as if everyone else in the fandom and Jason and the writers are all against them because they hate the characters. It’s just not the case.

Octavia stans refuse to accept that Octavia isn’t innocent and is guilty of a lot, instead they prefer to hate on Bellamy when he finally stands up to her and leaves her behind. I love Octavia and want her to be happy as much as any of the mains, but I need to see her accept responsibility for all that she’s done and actively repair her relationships, because Clarke and Bellamy pay for their sins, hate themselves and work to be better and do better every day, and she’s arguably done worse than them so she needs to own it. What she did was worse because she put her own need for absolution and love of the power above her people. The stans love to ignore that or say that she was forced into the situations and she deserves better. She made her decisions. She has to live with them like everyone else.

And then there’s the Clexa stans. I’m going to immediately state that I am an ally for the LGBT community and my feelings on the relationship and the stans have nothing to do with my feelings towards the community. I didn’t love the Clexa relationship just because there was a clear power imbalance and it was politically dangerous. I would have felt the same way if either character had been male and the relationship had been heterosexual. What I find annoying is that Clexa stans keep demanding that Lexa be brought back somehow and that she and Clarke should be endgame, even though it doesn’t make any real sense for the story they’re telling. I understand having a character that means a great deal to you. I loved her because she was a role model for me for how to be a leader and bring about change in society. But the truth of the canon story is that Lexa is dead and has been dead since season 3, and for the characters that was 6 years ago, not including the cryo time. I’m glad that Clarke got closure when she saw her in the City of Light, but that version of Lexa, and subsequently the version of her that speaks to Madi, is not alive and can’t realistically come back or continue her relationship with Clarke in a way that makes sense, both in terms of in-universe logic and what would be logically in-character for Clarke. I don’t buy that Clarke would be comfortable rekindling her relationship with a version of Lexa that might possess the body of another person, especially considering that she, herself understands first-hand the horror of the Sanctum body-snatching. It wouldn’t be Lexa played by Alycia Debnam-Carey, it would be a saved consciousness of Lexa wearing some other poor girl’s body and I can’t understand why any fan would actually go that far for their ship to be endgame. This is all assuming that Clarke is still head over heels in love with her just as she was before Praimfaya, which I really don’t think she can be at this point because she’s had a whole 6 years of another life with Madi, and the Clarke-Madi scene in 5x12 seemed to be the final bit of closure about Lexa that she needed, so I firmly believe that Clarke has moved on now. I do understand the pain that her death caused fans and I don’t criticise them feeling this way. But I do criticise worshipping her as if she did no wrong and was perfect because she just wasn’t. No one in this show ever was or will be. Just looking at my profile picture should demonstrate that I love her, but love means seeing people’s faults and accepting them in spite of them, not ignoring them entirely. I love Lexa, yet she did allow the majority of TonDC to be bombed and left Clarke at Mount Weather, essentially calling off a winning battle and all but forcing Clarke to irradiate it. She had her reasons for these decisions and I do respect her reasons, yet I don’t say that she was entirely right because I don’t think she was.

But this is the overall point I’m making: stop placing your faves on a pedestal in this show because if it’s taught us anything, it’s that everyone’s guilty of something and that none of us is innocent. If you love this show, truly love it, then see it as it is. If you believe that your favourite character can do no wrong, I bet everything that they have done at least plenty of bad things (by some standard of the definition of bad) at one time or another during the show’s run and you’ve either forgotten it or glossed over it because it doesn’t fit the narrative you want to tell yourself about the character. And if you insist on worshipping the characters in this way, keep your opinions in safe spaces and be polite about it, and do not, I repeat, DO NOT harass the cast and creatives just because the canon doesn’t fit your narrative because it’s not their job to fit it to how you want it. They have a story that they want to tell and most of us want to see it. Stop spoiling it for the rest of us.

[3rachachoo]

Disruption

Stray Kids x Divergent au

Chapter 1

Summary: When the order in the factions of the old city of Seoul starts to fall apart, one skeptical young Erudite decides that it’s no longer safe for her to be around the people she trusted... and that she’d be better off with complete strangers. Surprisingly, those said unfamiliar people seem share her point of view.

Genres: pretty much everything ranging from angst to fluff this is gonna be one heck of a wild ride

Warnings: violence, foul language, mentions of depression, suicide and death. Don’t read if you’re easily disturbed by such themes, please!

Word count: 3, 420 words

A/N: sorry for the wait! Also, for the sake of this series and keeping from changing the ages of the hyung line, I had to change the age at which teens take the aptitude test to choose their final faction (I moved it from 16 to 18 and even 19 in some cases). I hope you understand. Enjoy ❤️

~ Preview | Ch. 1

—————————

Data File #1: Two Years Earlier

You were 17 years of age.

It meant nothing to you, but to other people of your age, it would’ve meant everything; in only a year from now, you’d be taking the aptitude test to finally choose your faction.

Truthfully, it terrified you.

You’d heard stories from your peers, saying that some people could be kicked out of their faction if they didn’t perform well enough--becoming Factionless in the process--and that some people were unhappy with the outcome of their choice. With you being Erudite-born, your sense of logic was all that was keeping you from blindly believing such rumors.

However much just simply thinking about the Choosing Ceremony scared you, there was still a bit of excitement bubbling in your stomach whenever you would think about it.

Especially since you hoped you’d be able to join whatever faction Jungwoo or Woojin would choose.

Jungwoo is your brother, older than you by only a year, and Woojin (older than you by two years) is his and your childhood friend. Despite the fact that he’s closer to your brother’s age, and that they both have the same soft, friendly personality, he was always a bit closer to you. The three of you were inseparable since a very young age, and the fact that the other children disliked you back then only made you stick closer together. The two boys were role models for you, and whatever they would do, you wanted to be a part of.

You and your brother weren’t given much attention by your parents, them being very important in the higher research laboratories within Erudite, so you had to learn to take care of yourselves on your own. Woojin’s presence made things easier as well.

You felt that your life wasn’t so bad; sure, it had its ups and downs, but you never thought that you could come to be truly unhappy--

--until you realized that the two most important people in your life had to take their aptitude test for the Choosing Ceremony in just two days.

The truth hit you harder than you expected. Of course, you had figured a long time ago that they’d have to choose their faction someday, ahead of you at that, and that Woojin and some other teens had even been given an extra year to think about their future faction; however, you’d have to spend an entire year alone, without their company to comfort you, and you’d have to face the the sarcastic and witty remarks of the other Erudite teens by yourself. Chills ran down your body at the mere thought of it.

“How am I supposed to survive an entire year on my own..?” You thought.

“You just have to show everyone that you’re not to be messed with,” chirped a voice to your right. Startled, you snapped your head in the person’s direction. Had you really said that out loud?

“Woojin! What the heck?” You exclaimed, holding a hand over your heart. The boy laughed and took a seat in the space next to you.

“Shh, we’re in the library, remember?” He whispered playfully, poking your side. You rubbed your ribs where he attacked you and shot him a glare. “What brings you here in the first place? It’s pretty late and this is very unlike you,” he finished. You sighed, remembering your little walk around Erudite headquarters earlier.

“I needed some time to think...” you said, looking away from him. You should’ve known he would somehow manage to follow you here. Suddenly, you felt a hand on your shoulder.

“Hey... it’s not like we’re leaving forever, you know? There are people from different factions who visit each other every once in a while.” He said, rubbing your back soothingly. You ran a hand through your hair at his comment and sighed.

“They rarely let us visit anymore, Woojin. The factions are beginning to be weary of each other and it shows.” You stated, and Woojin’s hand stopped on your back. You glanced at him quizzically, and your eyes met.

“We’ll find a way. There’s always a way.” He answered, if not declared. His voice sounded sure, and the look in his big, dark eyes was full of certainty. You let yourself be convinced for now.

“If you say so. You better remember those words, though.” You said, standing up from your seat. Woojin stood up as well, and you both quietly made your way out of the library.

A few minutes later, you both reached your house, and a not-so-happy looking Jungwoo waiting by the entrance. His arms were crossed over his chest, and he was clearly trying his best to look intimidating. Keyword: trying.

“Where were you both and what took you so long?” He asked, wearing what looked like his best attempt at a glare on his face. You approached to poke his side, but he dodged right on time. He grabbed your shoulder and sighed, frowning. “Answer me.”

“I took a walk to clear my head and winded up at the library. Woojin stalked me and joined me.” You responded, ignoring the offended scoff that escaped the mentioned boy’s lips. An amused smile betrayed Jungwoo’s mock anger.

“And none of you thought it would have been nice to tell me?” He questioned, Woojin scratching the back of his neck as you rubbed your arm in light embarrassment.

“Sorry,” you appologized, “I didn’t think I’d take so long...”

“I’m sorry too, I’ll let you know when something happens next time.” Said Woojin, and you tensed at the mention of a “next time”. Your brother looked at you with curiosity.

“Y/N, you okay?” He asked, and you tried to play it off by shaking your head.

“It’s nothing, we should get some sleep. Woojin, you’re staying over tonight, right?” You said, patting Jungwoo’s shoulder as you made your way towards the door, only to be stopped by his grip on your wrist, flipping you back around.

“Y/N, I can tell when you’re hiding something. What’s going on?” He pressed, the look in his eyes showing nothing but worry. “Didn’t we promise to talk to each other whenever we’re going through tough situations?”

You immediately recalled the promise you all made when you were younger, on a day when nothing seemed to be going well. That time, it was Jungwoo who’d been hiding something. You sighed, signaling for them to follow you inside.

“It’s just the Choosing Ceremony. That’s all.” You muttered, once the boys had taken a seat on the sofa in the living room and once the door had been locked behind you. “I’m afraid of what will happen once you both decide which faction is for you, because lets be honest, I doubt any of you want to stay here.” You finished, pulling a chair from the kitchen and sitting in front of them. They looked at you in silence, not knowing what to say. You knew at that moment that you were spot on, and your heart dropped.

“...And that’s fine. ‘Faction before blood’, right?” You uttered, your voice breaking a little. You held your hands together on your lap tightly, or else you were sure you would break in tears right in front of them. “If that’s what you both feel like you need to do, then do it. I would do the same if I were you.”

Woojin was the first to react, reaching for your hands. He bit his lip lightly. “It won’t be the last time you see us. I promise.”

Jungwoo suddenly stood up, startling the both of you, and wrapped his arms around Woojin’s and your neck in a tight embrace. Woojin laughed, pulling the two of you closer, but you were so shocked and touched that tears began to roll down your cheeks. Affection was rare among Erudites and most saw it as a weakness, but not you. Not any of you.

“Just... try to endure it. I know it sounds incredibly selfish and cruel, but you need to get out of this hellhole too, Y/N.” Said your brother, running his hand through your hair and pressing your head onto his shoulder. His voice was strained, and you knew it hurt him as much as it did to you.

Back then, you’d never have thought that he could have been hiding so much from Woojin and you in that statement alone.

+ + +

The next two days before the aptitude test were just full of smiles and activities that the three of you enjoyed doing, like solving each other’s riddles and going around the faction headquarters, fixing broken items and doing “smart” things of the sort. Your last stop of the second day was the library, just to read some interesting books together. It was already getting late by the time you all headed out, and you were about to go back home when you remembered that you’d left your jacket on one of the chairs inside. You told the boys to start walking ahead and that you’d join them in a bit. They rejected the idea, telling you that they’d wait, and so you ran back inside to get your neglected item.

Once you came back outside, you didn’t see them straight away, and wondered if they’d actually done as you’d suggested. Confused, you walked forward onto the path you usually take to go home when somebody yanked your arm and pulled you against one of the sides of the building. You were too shocked to scream, but all thoughts of fighting back left your mind when you realized that it was Woojin who had dragged you there. Confusion was written all over your face but he only held a finger up to his lips, as to tell you to be quiet. You nodded quickly, looking over his shoulder to find your brother, pressed against the wall of the library as well, but looking blankly ahead of him, eyes wide as if he’d seen a ghost. You were about to ask him what was wrong when he turned his head to face you, a single tear rolling down his face. He was pale and his hands were shaking. You were speechless.

Woojin grabbed Jungwoo’s arm and urged you both to step out, going back towards the main entrance of the library. Once he was sure nobody else was around, he faced the two of you, a solemn and serious look on his face:

“We’re taking a different way back home tonight.”

+ + +

Once you got home, Woojin practically dragged your brother into his room and shut the door behind the two of them. Too confused and astonished to bother knocking, you practically collapsed on the sofa in the living room. Curiosity was eating away at you, but you decided against pushing the information out of the boys straight away. Whatever happened while you were gone must’ve been serious.

After what felt like hours, Woojin walked out of Jungwoo’s room, shutting the door behind him as he made his way to you. You immediately sat up on the sofa, eagerly waiting for him to enlighten you on the situation. Woojin only sighed and knelt down in front of you, placing a hand on your shoulder. You waited for him to talk.

“Y/N... I need you to promise me something.”

You hesitantly nodded, unsure of what he was getting at. He looked straight into your eyes, and for the first time in what felt like your entire life, you were unable to figure out what he was feeling.

“I need you to promise me that no matter what happens, you’ll be careful around other Erudites from now on, regardless of who they are.”

You were left flabbergasted, barely managing a weak nod. Why was he telling you to do this? It’s not like you had anyone else to trust anyway. He held out his pinky finger to you, and finally mustering up the energy to move, you locked your own pinky with his.

“It’s a promise, then.” He concluded, ruffling up your hair with his other hand. He was about to get up when you pulled at the hem of his shirt, catching his attention once more.

“I waited because none of you said anything, and I thought you’d tell me later but... what exactly happened while I was gone?” You questioned, and when he looked away, you tugged at his shirt again. “Can’t you tell me? What about our childhood promise?”

Woojin gently removed your hand from his shirt, and looked at you with an unreadable expression, which you could only make out to be close to apologetic.

“I’ll tell you tomorrow... get some sleep for now.” He muttered, giving you a bittersweet smile as he walked back into Jungwoo’s room, which they normally shared during sleepovers. He gently shut the door behind him, and you fell backwards onto the couch’s pillows.

You reluctantly shut your eyes as you regretted not reminding Woojin that tomorrow, he wouldn’t have time to see you...

+ + +

You woke up the next morning with a start, tumbling off the sofa and crashing onto the floor. Groaning, you rubbed your face with one hand, adjusting to the light seeping into the room through the windows. You froze once you realized that it was way past noon and that the aptitude test must have concluded by now. Throwing yourself onto your feet, you ran towards your brother’s room, only to find the door wide open and the inside void of his presence.

You stood there for a moment, unable to think about what to do next. You tugged at your messed up strands of hair in frustration, biting your bottom lip. That’s when you saw the sticky note against the door, and ripped it off in haste. You scanned through the words written on the piece of paper.

“We’ll be back later. The test went well. - Jungwoo”

You crumbled the note in your hands and let out a cry of anger as you tossed it across the room. First, they decide to not wake you up on time to accompany them to the aptitude test, and then they head out to God knows where, expecting you to be perfectly fine with it? Ridiculous.

You threw on a jacket and ran out of your house, towards Woojin’s. They had to be there. You picked up some speed only to slow down once you got there, knocking loudly on the door. Nobody answered.

“Kim Woojin! Jungwoo! I know you’re in there!” You yelled, pounding on the door. You kept at it for what felt like hours before giving up and sliding down against the door, your back pressed against it. Your eyes were full of angry tears that began to run down your face in exhaustion. Had you been wrong? Had they never been inside in the first place? You had no idea, and the thought of this entire ordeal was killing you. Just what exactly were they hiding?

At a complete loss for what to do, you returned to your house, flopping down against the door frame of your brother’s room.

The two boys hadn’t even left you for good and yet, in your entire life, you’d never felt so alone.

+ + +

You hadn’t realized you’d somehow fallen asleep until you rose up from your bed, in your room,  realizing that you weren’t seated in front of Jungwoo’s room anymore. You practically jumped out of bed and ran towards your brother’s room again, only to collide with something hard and crash backwards onto the floor. You heard somebody else groan in pain and you instantly got up again.

“Y/N, what the--”

“Jungwoo!” You yelped, throwing yourself onto him in an embrace, too relieved to scold him for what happened yesterday straight away. “Where the fuck were you?” You exclaimed, clasping your hands on his shoulders, demanding an answer. He looked at you in awe, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

“...I just went out with Woojin to look around Erudite one last time.” He said, and as much as you wanted to believe him, you doubted his words.

“You could’ve just taken me along with you both. Do you have any idea how worried I was?” You decided to play along, telling yourself that you’d pry the truth out of him before the Ceremony began. Your brother was a terrible liar.

“I do, judging from how you passed out in front of my room by the time I got home.” He teased, and you slapped his arm in defense. He yelped, rubbing his shoulder while he stood up, helping you up as well. “Lets go, I’m sure Woojin hyung is already on his way.”

You both made your way out of the house, and to the Choosing Ceremony.

+ + +

Once you both arrived at The Hub, you made your way to the Erudite section, where your parents, Woojin’s parents, and Woojin himself were already seated. The place was crowded and very full, and the chattering was dying down by the time you and your brother made it to your seats. Woojin smiled at you, but you glanced away awkwardly. You didn’t know how to feel.

Your parents smiled at you and your brother, and despite only seeing them after so long, you couldn’t help but smile back a little. It’s not like they were horrible parents, and despite not always being there for the two of you, you knew they were good people. They did their best; the best they could do as Erudite parents, at least.

You then remembered that you needed to hear what happened two days ago from Jungwoo, and you were about to grab his arm when the representative of Abnegation began his speech. You curled your hand into a fist at the terrible timing.

After the speech, teenagers from all factions began to be called to the front, where bowls with items representing each of the factions were displayed on a long table. You grew impatient, bouncing your leg and chewing on your bottom lip in nervousness. You glanced at Jungwoo, just to find that he was already looking at you. He placed his right hand onto your left hand, since you were seated to his right, and squeezed it. You felt your throat go dry, and swallowed hard. “Jungwoo--”

Right at that moment, his name was called, and you looked at him with wide eyes, like a deer in headlights. He stood up, smiling gently at you and ruffled your hair for the last time.

“Take care of yourself, okay Y/N? I’ll see you soon.” He whispered.

And with that, your brother said goodbye to your parents, and to Woojin and his parents. You held back tears as you saw him walk down the stairs and stroll confidently onto the front of the room, cutting his hand with the knife at his disposal and spilling his blood...

...into the Abnegation bowl.

You swear the whole world stopped moving around you.

Why... would he choose to go so far away from you?

Deep down, you knew he was made for Abnegation. He had to be. He was sweet, selfless and couldn’t stand to see other people in pain.

Regardless, the pain in your chest was sharp, and it didn’t feel like it was going away anytime soon.

Your brother then proudly walked towards the people of his new faction, and was welcomed warmly, disregarding the comments of disapproval among your Erudite peers. You looked at your parents, and were shocked to see them completely emotionless, as if they’d seen his decision coming from a mile away.

You felt like the biggest fool in the room.

To make matters worse, the moment you looked in Woojin’s direction, his name was called as well, and he locked eyes with you from were he stood.

He must’ve seen the silent tear that rolled down your face, because he mouthed what looked like the words “don’t cry”, as he smiled to you for the last time. Your heart felt like it was going to shatter into a thousand pieces as he made it to the front of the room, spilling his blood into the Amity bowl.

Unable to look any longer, you shut your eyes and inhaled a deep breath. All noise around you seemed to have disappeared, and you let the tears you were holding back spill freely from your eyes.

From then on, you were truly on your own.

------------------

A/N: Hi again! I know this was a very confusing chapter, but I swear things will get clearer as the story goes on. I’ll be adding the rest of the boys after this, so look forward to that! I appreciate feedback ;D

- JC

[scullyeffect]

how do you feel about younger people in fandom? like the youngest side that are probably on tumblr i.e 13/14ish?

i don’t know if you mean in the x-files fandom, or just younger people getting involved into fandom stuff online nowadays so i’m just going to go with a generalization. 

i’m nobody’s mother and interests are healthy, and honestly i’m 23 so i don’t know anything about anything yet, but i will say that i live with a 15 y/o girl, a 13 y/o girl, and an 11 y/o girl, and i find myself very sad when all they want to do is go on a phone and watch youtube videos and be online instead of doing something more creative or intellectual.

we had a birthday party for 11 last night, and we had to take phones away from like six 10-11 year olds, which is ridiculous. i do understand that we live in a big city (paris, which isn’t exactly the safest) and lots of kids do things independently (walk to school, walk to friends’ houses, take the métro) so sometimes i worry about 11 (who doesn’t have a phone) if she needs to take the métro alone or walk somewhere alone, and i wish she did have some way to reach me if ever she got lost or something, but 11 is so young.

i think in a world that’s become so increasingly digitized and almost making it necessary to be connected in some way, kids are growing up faster, and some of the posts online and on tumblr talk about things they might not understand yet, and cause them to form opinions based on a text post some 18 y/o wrote. i’m even guilty of this. i’ll get too lazy to keep up with the real world and get my politics from tumblr sometimes, and that’s probably not good, even though mainstream news sources can do the same thing. my mom worked for the washington post, and that’s pretty much the only place i get my news from.

i probably got my first tumblr account when i was 15, and honestly i regret it. i was a pretty sheltered kid/teenager who really enjoyed reading, doing art, writing, and watching sad european dramas about dead sovereigns and suffering artists. i somehow discovered pro-ana blogs (blogs that share and encourage eating disorders to the point where healthy people can begin to actively attempt to follow insane tips in order to lose weight), and since i actually had been having trouble with my own eating habits but never really known that those behaviors were bizarre, i self-diagnosed and was part of that “community” for awhile. 

i was interested/ in love with lots of actors and actresses, and as i made it out of kind of the pro-ana area which i realized which was unhealthy lol i found out about stan culture and just real obsession with movie stars/celebrities. when i was a younger teen i was “obsessed” with meryl streep, which at that time meant that i watched all her films repeatedly. i didn’t realize people cared about the actors/actresses’ personal lives until i got on tumblr, and at the time it was really exciting to discover things about my favorite celebrities (i mean, being a fan of someone obviously isn’t new, but it was to me). now that i’m 23 i find it very invasive and somewhat creepy that we’re so interested in someone’s life, sometimes even more than their body of work. we’ll probably never meet that person, and if we do they’re not going to think about you or remember you forever, because there are thousands of other people out there who feel the same way, and they just can’t keep track (at least the huge stars). 

on the flip side, i think it’s good to have role models and people to look up to, but sometimes there’s a thin line there. i’m blonde, but i dyed my hair brown in my first year of high school because i was obsessed with marion cotillard and wanted to look like her. i kept the brown throughout high school because i liked it, and sort of forgot i ever did it because of her, but now i’m blonde again and it looks so much better haha. ALSO i got really interested in france/speaking french because of her (and juliette binoche), although i had a fantastic and enthusiastic french teacher in high school to help fuel my desire to speak french. and now i’m fluent in french and live in france. wow. so, if there are people you look up to in the public eye and they’re influencing you in positive ways, that’s great! i do get suspicious when very influential celebrities share their political views, though. i think we have a tendency to follow in people’s footsteps either subconsciously or in full awareness. that could be in any field. i like certain authors, and sometimes my own writing is heavily influenced by their work. it’s a natural thing that happens. but voting really should be an informed decision...just my opinion.

let’s talk about “just my opinion”. online bullying is real and can sometimes be rampant if there are dividing views on someone and their perceived private life. for example, in the x-files fandom we will, for the most part, absolutely convince you that mulder and scully are fucking like bunnies, when the show’s own creator won’t lol. but there are also people who think that gillian anderson and david duchovny (the leads) were/are/could be at some point in a romantic relationship with each other. they (anderson and duchovny) even cater to the fans a bit, but at the end of the day that’s their business and they don’t owe us an explanation, and a lot of people in fandom sort of act like they do. the point of this example was that because people in fandom are divided about this point of view, if you talk about one side or the other, there are some people who will come at you and say mean things for not agreeing with you, and try to convince you of a truth they have no real authority to speak about. this is obviously just an example, but online bullying is rampant and is often taken personally and can really affect the person being bullied, especially someone younger who may or may not be already facing that in real life at school lol.

i think tumblr is a good place for people who suffer from mental illness to come together in a healthy way to talk through their problems (god i hope i’m telling the truth), and there’s definitely tons of awareness and support that you’ll get on tumblr that you may not find in the real world. for example, i don’t know anyone irl who has epilepsy who i can talk to about mine. on tumblr i’ve talked with people who understand what i’m going through. i think that self diagnosis online, just as much on tumblr as it is when i cough and search “signs of throat cancer or tuberculosis’, read up on web md, and immediately fear my days might be numbered, is a problem. on tumblr i think we’re introduced to concepts and can sometimes treat mental illness lightly, when it shouldn’t. if you’re suffering from a mental illness, the online world isn’t going to be the place that can completely help you (says the girl who refuses to go to therapy and instead complains online about how she’s not getting any better). 

being online immediately takes us out of life and into a different world. we become observers instead of experiencing the world. there’s good stuff about observation, but being online and attached to a website that is more or less just a vice for people will often make us choose to be on our phones instead of doing stuff in real life.

all of these points being said, i’m guilty of a lot of the “bad/unhealthy” facets of tumblr, but as i’ve “grown up” (unfortunately still staying on tumblr for a good portion of that time) i’ve grown out of a lot of these things and can see the good and the bad that the online world has to offer, and know which parts to stay away from. i can recognize that spending too much time on here does nothing for my desire to stay inside and not experience the real world. it also makes me think a lot more about tv shows/films/celebrities than i need to. but i’ve also made great friends from being on tumblr over the years, and gotten support i definitely wouldn’t have gotten in real life. 

back to my real life. do i encourage the girls i live with to be interested in certain media? yes, especially stuff i feel has a good message. i basically sat the two older ones down and showed them the pilot of the x-files. do they experience the same high level obsession i do with tv shows/movies? no. and i’m glad for that. they like to lose themselves in certain tv shows, but when the tv is off they don’t really talk about it. do i introduce them to things i’m interested in media-wise? yes. do i introduce them to books and music i was/am interested in? yes. have i told them about tumblr? no. they don’t have any access to my online “presence” (they don’t know my instagram, twitter, etc), and i don’t talk about it. when my computer is out and they’re in the room doing homework, i’m usually writing. granted, that’s usually fanfiction, but at least i’m writing something. 

one of the boys i tutor is writing a book (he’s 11) which is basically a self insert that takes place in the harry potter universe. he doesn’t know what fanfiction is, and i haven’t told him (although he’d never type it up and put it online lol he barely knows how to turn the computer on), but i’m so thrilled he’s even writing that i make him sit down and write for 10 minutes before we ever start watching a movie (in english). 

ANYWAY. i’m nobody’s mother and at the end of the day i’m posting this online on my stupid blog where nothing i say matters or has any influence anywhere, but i think kids should be able to enjoy a non-internet related childhood as long as possible. some of us on tumblr are old enough to actually have children that age, and as much as we like having an account on this site, if asked this same question we might not as readily say ‘yeah it’s great! i want my teenagers to have the same experience as me!’

there’s my two centimes. hope i answered your question. JuST MY OPINION.

[unb100]

Hey :) I saw this post about that person joking about exo irl and in fanfiction and you said something about polical issues. I have been an exo-l since 2013 and think Yixing is an really, really amazing person so don't get me wrong, but I did have been kinda upset that he stopped doing promotions and concerts with exo completly. I've heard about the political tension between china and korea, but can you maybe explain why that holds yixing back from promoting with exo? I'm really curious :)

Hello!

So, first of all, I’d like to make a disclaimer that politics is hard and I also don’t understand it 100%. I’ll try to explain the situation how I see it, but if anyone notices that I got something wrong, please don’t hesitate to correct me!

To put it simply, everything revolves around the political conflict between China and South Korea concerning SK’s possession of weapons. THAAD (Terminal High Altitude Area Defense - basically a system that shoots down any missiles that come close to a certain area) is supposed to be a precaution against a hypothetical attack by North Korea, but China feels that it might be also somehow used against them. In short, the sides can’t come to an agreement about whether THAAD should stay or go and remain in conflict. Also, due to that some things get banned from China - I mostly heard about content related to SK entertainment (hallyu ban).

To put things into perspective, 7 months ago or so I saw screenshots of Happy Camp reruns (the old ones with EXO-M) from Chinese television and Minseok and Jongdae’s faces were actually blurred. For me personally it was really shocking, because it was a variety show that didn’t have anything to do with politics which aired literally years ago and yet they still blurred their faces just because they are Korean. This just shows how bad the conflict was back then and how even things that seemingly have no relation to politics got affected by the disagreement.

Now, the point is, in China Yixing isn’t only a performer and a celebrity. He is also an ambassador of the Communist Youth League of China (the first Chinese celebrity to hold such title), which puts him in a different - politically higher, position than other Chinese artists. He’s highly respected, he’s a symbol and a role model, so to say. I imagine that for a country as conservative as China, him promoting in SK and promoting with a SK group while they are in conflict with SK would be seen as a huge betrayal. That would mean a loss of everything he worked for in China. 

I’ve become and EXO-L around the time when Power dropped, so even if I’ve never truly experienced ot9 I imagine it must have been very upsetting and frustrating to see him disappear from group activities. I think what also contributes to the fact that his absence hurts so much is that (at least in my opinion) even stanning Korean groups we don’t see much of how the conflict is actually affecting either EXO or kpop or Korea in general other than just Yixing being absent. It’s easy to get into this way of thinking that the conflict is made up and Yixing isn’t coming back because he doesn’t want to. Or even that there are other active Chinese artists in Korea, so why can’t Yixing be with EXO as well? Both of these concerns are somehow reasonable but we can’t forget that his status is not like other Chinese artists and he has so much more to loose. 

I’m sorry I can’t explain it better and if there are any errors. I recommend you read this post and an article linked in it. It’s quite old but it helped me get a gist of the problem. I tried to find something on the current state of the conflict, and from more reliable sources I got this article from april 2018 that talks about coming to some agreements. I also vaguely remember someone on twitter saying literally a week ago that it’s getting better, but please bear in mind that this is a very vague statement and a very unreliable source. 

All in all, though, one thing I know for sure is that Yixing is the most loyal person and he would never abandon us. I have no doubts that the moment he can, he’ll be back with EXO, so let’s believe in him and wait ❤

[ashley-newman-15-blog]

*Rhetoric as Democracy in Ancient Athens and Now*

March 28, 2019

In this entry, I will focus on the critical question: How does this rhetorical artifact exemplify the benefits and/or limitations of requiring current leaders to have great delivery skills? What are the benefits and disadvantages of requiring our leaders to be great orators in terms of delivery?

To help me investigate this question, I will look at a speech presented by Jim Valvano who was awarded the inaugural Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian at the first annual ESPY Awards. Jimmy Valvano was an American college basketball player, coach, and broadcaster. Valvano gave this speech on March 4, 1993 and about eight weeks after presenting his ESPY awards speech, Jim Valvano passed away from battling cancer. This speech presented by Coach Valvano depicts an effective representation of a leader with great delivery skills and he does this by using strong verbal communication to grasp the attention of his audience.  

Jim Valvano’s speech was in response to receiving the Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian reward – the first Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian reward was given to Jim Valvano in March 1993. According to its website, the award “reflects the spirit of Arthur Ashe, possessing strength in the face of adversity, courage in the face of peril and the willingness to stand up for their beliefs no matter what the cost” (2012 EPSYS).  

Josiah Ober explains, in The Orators, that the Athens truly emphasizes the importance of obtaining great rhetorical skills. It all begins with the rhetor and how he delivers the message to his demos. Demos are described as the “Athenian citizen body” (130). Ober claims that, “The Athenian rhetores are noteworthy as the primary surviving source of ancient political writing that is genuinely sympathetic to democracy” (130).  Great rhetor’s are supposed to portray a message that has meaning to audience. It is supposed to express emotion and sincerity. Throughout Valvano’s speech he was able to appeal to his audience through emotions. Jim was honored when receiving this award. In his speech he claims, “I can’t tell you what an honor it is, to even be mentioned in the same breath with Arthur Ashe. This is something I certainly treasure forever”. Through the sincerity in his verbal communication, he was able to show his audience that this award truly meant something to him. Speaking true to his heart is the main goal of this orator because he is giving a speech on the value of life. Throughout the speech he speaks with a powerful tone and used appropriate mannerisms to express his sincerity in the topic to his people.

Along with explaining the importance of having a “genuinely sympathetic” orator, Ober also explains that good rhetors pay attention and make connections to their audiences. “When addressing democratic audiences, composed primarily of ordinary citizens, the Athenian speaker necessarily paid close attention to the established social and political notions, opinions, and beliefs common to most members of the Athenian citizen body” (130).  In order to get the demos to listen to what the Athenians had to say, rhetors had to appeal to their interests and beliefs. This is something all great rhetors are known for. They know how to connect to their audience. Like the Athenians, Jim Valvano was also able to grasp the attention of his audience by connecting to them. One of the most important things he expressed in his speech was, “To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions move to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day.” This is important because he used the word “WE”. He connects to his audience with one simple pronoun. The speech isn’t about him. It’s about what “WE” can do to value the lives “WE” have.

Great orators like Jim Valvano and The Athenians’ use rhetoric to appeal to their audience. They understand that in order for the audience to understand their message, they must somehow get them to listen. A great rhetor expresses emotions and connects with the audience to get their attention and their trust.  Leaders are the ones the audience looks up to, how can we listen to a leader if they have poor rhetorical skills?

As always, there are advantages and disadvantages to a current leader having great rhetorical skills. As mentioned about the advantages of having current leaders be great rhetors is it makes the audience listen and grabs their attention. But, that could also be a disadvantage. If a leader is liked too much they could easily use their skills to persuade their audience for the bad instead of the good. As said before, we look up to our leaders and we want to be able to trust everything they have to tell us. For example, all of us have a role model and we look up to that role model. A lot of us look up to our older siblings when we are young but sometimes they tell us things that aren��t true, and we BELIEVE them. We believe them because we look up to them. We believe them because at the time they are our leaders. But leaders who are greatly appreciated can also take advantage of their power and that’s where it could be a disadvantage.

In doing additional research on this topic, a 2002 scholarly article by Suzy Wales, titled “Why Coaching?”, the research explored in this article provide valuable insight on the characteristics that are needed for effective coaching. Jim Valvano was a legendary college basketball coach and many other truly looked up to him and respected his speech presented in 2003. Coaching requires great rhetoric skills, one of those skills simply being effective communication. The article states…

“As internal qualities such as self-confidence and self-awareness grow and develop, so external competencies are strengthened, enhanced and supported in their manifestations. Conversely, external developments such as behavioural change reinforce internal development and build confidence. These inner/outer changes and interactions are supported and facilitated by effective communication processes. Communication therefore, provides both the channel and the language for describing internal and external experiences and means of translating human experience into learning and development”.

Communication is a necessity for internal and external growth and development. If a coach can practice better communication in order to become a better rhetor then there will be more of a positive effect on their audience. The audience will be more engaged in the topic that’s being presented.

 In summary, leaders should have great rhetoric skills because it gets the attention of the audience. There is a lot to a great rhetor and having effective verbal communication is a big part of it. Jim Valvano demonstrates his abilities to be a great rhetor through his speech. He expressed emotion and connected with his audience to get the audience active and engaged. Suzy Wales, executive coach and scholar, agree that communication is a key skill to have in order to build one’s self -confidence and self-awareness and to share those skills and influence others. Great rhetoric skills is very important for current leaders. They need to deliver the right message to their audience and gain their attention with valuable information.

Work CIted 

Valvalno, J. (2003, March 4). Jim’s 1993 ESPY Speech. [Video File].

Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E

 Ober, J. The orators. The Cambridge History of Greek and Roman Political Thought. (pp. 130-141). Ed. Christopher Rowe & Malcom Schofield. Cambridge University Press.

Wales, S. (2002). Why Coaching?. Journal of change management, 3(3), 275-282.

[scarleteenconfidential]

Scarleteen Confidential: Helping Youth Handle Rejection

It's a painful reality that shootings and other acts of mass violence are horrifically common in the U.S, spreading grief to individuals, families, and communities. Each time the news breaks about a new incident, we find ourselves in the midst of a cycle of “why does this happen and how can we stop it” news stories, op eds, and social media debates. It’s exhausting, heart-wrenching, and frustrating all at once. And even though we’re seeing measures, many of them youth-led, to change the laws around gun access and school safety, the average adult may feel a bit helpless in the face of recurring violence.

One factor in these violent incidents that is only recently being widely acknowledged is the role misogyny and entitlement play in driving the young men who commit these acts. A recurring pattern is that they are turned down by a specific young woman, or believe that women are somehow denying them the love and sex they’re owed, and decide to exact violent revenge for these slights. While there are other elements, such as gun access, that play a role in these incidents, we cannot ignore the ways entitlement and rage act as motivators.

In the aftermath of the Santa Fe High shooting, this Twitter thread about young men learning to accept a “no” drew attention to the ways in which adults can change the messages young people are getting about gender, dating, and rejection. These tweets highlight the fact that young people don’t arrive at their conclusions about appropriate romantic behavior in a vacuum; they’re influenced by a myriad of messages, including input from the adults in their lives. Sometimes that input includes ideas that end up exacerbating issues around rejection and dating.

One of the ways we can work towards a world in which acts like this no longer happen, a world in which people, and women in particular, aren’t afraid their “no” will make them a target of violence, is to make a concerted effort to help the young people in our lives learn to deal with rejection in healthy ways. With that in mind, we’ve put together recommendations to assist adults in doing exactly that.

Ditching Gender Notions

A few days ago, I was doing an outreach session with a group of young men. One of our discussion questions was about rejection and how to handle it, which branched out to talking about how to be respectful of someone when asking for a date and the way that certain gender norms get in the way of explicit communication about desire. The young men talked about wanting to be sure they weren’t coming off as pushy or creepy, and wanting to be aware of the boundaries of the young women they were interested in.

Why do I bring this up?

Because one of the most insidious sources feeding the bad advice adults give young people is that there are certain toxic behaviors that are “just how boys are” or “just how girls are.” And that, to successfully get a date, one has to either put up with or push past those behaviors. The best example of this is the idea that women never say what they mean, so when they say, “no, I don’t want to date you” what they really mean is, “keep trying.” The reverse of this is that many young women grow up being told that all boys are pushy and that they should just learn to deal with it. What this results in is a dynamic where boys feel like they should keep asking a girl out after she says no, and girls feel like there’s little they can do to make those asks stop, and everyone ends up feeling cruddy.

The conversation I had with the young men at outreach demonstrates how reductive and inaccurate those beliefs about gender are, and how open young people are to figuring out how to respect boundaries and learning ways to accept rejection gracefully. The vast majority of young people want to be conscious of boundaries and avoid being jerks. Changing the discussions we have with them about consent and rejection doesn’t require pushing against some immutable gender characteristics; it requires some open, honest, and occasionally awkward conversations.

Respecting Boundaries

You can help the young people in your life learn how to respect boundaries by leading by example. That includes asking for permission to touch people and honoring their answers, not trying to argue your way around rules, and handling rejection as gracefully as possible. It helps to be extra-respectful of young people’s boundaries when you interact with them. In doing so, you’re offering them a model to follow for what a respectful reaction to a boundary looks like. You’re also reinforcing the idea that respecting a boundary is the default. That means they’ll know that pushing or arguing the boundary is not what they’re “supposed” to do, and that if someone is doing it to them it’s a sign that person may not be safe to be around. This approach also helps them understand that it’s okay to set boundaries, and that doing so doesn’t make them unreasonable or mean.

A time where respecting boundaries can be tricky for young people is when they find themselves crushing on someone. Crushes can make people act like lovesick puppies, complete with the disregard for boundaries usually found in small, highly-excitable dogs. It may be tempting, as an adult, to encourage some of those puppyish behaviors. Maybe you fondly remember your first few crushes, the bubbly, happy feeling of finding out your crush liked you back and the young love that came after that. And heck, it can be quite an “aww” moment to watch the young people in your lives find happiness and romance. So, you encourage the young person to do what they can to make their feelings known and win their crushee’s affection.

In your excitement, don’t lose sight of the fact that the line between “sweet crush” behavior and “oh my god please leave me alone” behavior is a thin one. If the young person in your life has been turned down by their crush, you can offer a sympathetic ear (or a hug) if they want one. But please don’t advise them to keep trying until their crush relents and agrees to date them. We don’t live in a romantic comedy universe; we live in a universe where people are likely to get increasingly freaked out if someone they turned down for a date or dumped keeps showing up at their lunch table with flowers or declarations of love.

While we’re on the subject of declarations of affection, if we want to create a world where rejection doesn’t result in deadly consequences, we need to stuff the idea of “just give them a chance” into the trash. That saying seems innocuous, maybe even kind, at first glance, but it reinforces deeply unhelpful notions about boundaries.

Firstly, it tells people who assert their boundaries and turn someone down that they’re being mean, unreasonable, and should ignore their own boundaries in order to let someone have romantic or sexual access to them.

It also sets up an expectation in the asker, especially if they are a young man, that they are owed a chance to date whoever catches their eye. That little seed of entitlement can easily grow into resentment and anger. If a guy grows up thinking women should just give him a chance and encounters the reality of women with boundaries and preferences that don’t include him, he could feel he’s being cheated of something he has a right to. And if he feels cheated, there’s unfortunately a chance that he’ll take his anger out on that woman and other bystanders.

Instead of the “just give them a chance” approach, you could encourage young people to use the “ask once” policy in their social circles. Put simply, the policy means that you get to ask a person out once and if they say “no” that’s the end of it unless they voluntarily come back later with an “actually…” at which point the clock resets and you can ask again. This approach is great because it has clear rules and expectations. It removes some of the stress from the interaction since everyone is taking the words exchanged at face value. No one has to worry about their boundaries being disrespected or someone saying something they don’t really mean.

Because some reports of the recent shootings have cast the perpetrators as “bullied,” it may also help to remind the young people in your life (and maybe some adults) that turning down someone for a date or otherwise not returning their romantic interest is not the same as bullying. Bullying is actively singling out people to mock or torment, not telling someone “no” when what they want to hear is “yes.”

It’s also important to remember that young people, especially young women, often have their initial “no” ignored by the person pursuing them. If that happens often enough, or the person just will not leave them alone, they may start saying “no” in increasingly forceful ways. If their boundaries were ignored when they said something gentle like, “oh, I’m not interested, sorry” they might resort to the “knock it off and LEAVE ME ALONE” approach to defend them. To a person who hasn’t witnessed the previous conversations, that reaction could seem cruel or unnecessary. But if a young person has hit that level of force in defending their boundaries, chances are there were many smaller boundary pushes leading up to that moment.

Handling rejection

If a young person in your life is rejected by someone they’re interested in, there are two approaches that can be helpful.

The first is to acknowledge just how much rejection sucks and validate whatever they’re feeling. As with break-ups, they could be feeling sad, angry, disappointed, numb, or a host of other emotions. Ask them what they need right then, whether that’s space to listen to sad songs and cry or a sympathetic ear, and offer it if you can. Having a supportive person in their life can take some of the sting out of rejection.

Rejection also offers a chance to talk with the young person about how they can get through and bounce back when they don’t get what they want. Rejection doesn’t solely show up in the romantic parts of life; it crops up in work, in school, in friendships, and all sorts of other places. So, learning to handle rejection early on in life can help them be more resilient as they get older. It also helps them be the kind of person other people feel safe around. If they’re known as the person who was bummed but respectful when turned down for a date, or who was sad but supportive when their friend made the team and they didn’t, they’re going to find that people are more inclined to be around and trust them because they’ve shown they won’t take their disappointment out on everybody else.

When you’re talking to young people about romantic rejection, there are a few different points you can bring up to help them feel better:

Rejection is often about different preferences or needs, not about their inherent worth as a person. Being turned down by a crush doesn’t mean they don’t have lots to offer as an individual; it means the person they approached is looking for something different and that’s okay. There’s a lot of chance involved in finding a person you’re interested in dating who’s also interested in dating you, which means sooner or later everyone gets turned down by someone they like.

The person who rejected them is not the only person in the world. I don’t mean this in the “there are plenty of fish in the sea” way, although that’s certainly true. Rather, it can be helpful to help a young person notice all the people in their life who care about them and do want to spend time with them. That shifts the focus away from the pain of the rejection and onto the more positive feelings of support and affection. This can also be a good time to encourage them to do self-care. Sometimes, when a bunch of energy has been focused on a crush or a romantic relationship, people forget to nurture their relationship with themselves. The period of time that comes after rejection is a great opportunity to do that.

Don’t view it as a dead end. Rejection can feel like opening a door to what you thought was a room full of treasure only to smack face-first into a brick wall. A way to rebound from rejection is to think about the disappointment in new ways. What do you have the opportunity to do now that you know the outcome? Is there anything to learn from the experience?

Rejection is a part of life, and it’s also a sign that you’re living. If you never take the risk of sharing your feelings with someone or asking if they’d like to get to know you better, you never get to the chance to see what might come from those confessions. Rejection is proof that you’re trying, and that you’ve got the courage to keep doing so.

Even if you help the young people in your life learn that rejection is not the end of the world, there’s no guarantee that they won’t turn their anger or disappointment on others. But just because we can’t prevent every negative outcome doesn’t mean we shouldn’t at least try to change the conversations and expectations young people have boundaries and rejection. The more we help young people build a culture where everyone’s boundaries are respected, and no one feels they are owed access to another person, the better chance we have of creating a safer, more peaceful world for generations to come.

-Sam

This is part of our series for parents or guardians. To find out more about the series, click here. For our top five guiding principles for parents or guardians, click here; for a list of resources, click here. To see all posts in the series, click the Scarleteen Confidential tag at Scarleteen, or follow the series here on Tumblr at scarleteenconfidential.tumblr.com.

[reivenesque]

Running in a Serpentine Fashion CH5

Chapter 5: Daniel

« Previous chapter (also on ao3 and ffet).

Three hours.

That was how long it was since he drove up to the emergency dock of the hospital with his son bleeding all over the leather upholstery of his car and still there had been no update about how he was doing.

His harassment of a nurse for information only resulted in him almost getting kicked off the premises but the woman had taken pity on him and not only let him stay, but came back with what little information she could find about Robby’s condition.

He was in surgery. That was all they knew.

The waiting room was a flurry of activity by that point, faces that Johnny never expected to see. Or rather just one face he didn’t expect and didn’t really want to see.

Daniel LaRusso.

But LaRusso was there for Robby. Johnny had called him because of Robby; for Robby. He knew LaRusso meant a lot to Robby and although the fact caused an ache deep inside his heart, he knew he had to accept the reality. He had no one to blame for his predicament but himself. LaRusso had picked up the slack he’d left behind and he was done letting his vindictive ways and his jealousy get in the way of him and the people he cared about.

It cost him Ali and it cost him Robby and he was done losing people who meant the most to him because he couldn’t let go of his own ego.

LaRusso had brought along his entire brood with him. His lovely wife that Johnny was really quite fond of. She reminded him of Ali, which both answered the question as to why she ended up marrying LaRusso, and brought up the brand new question, which is why did she end up marrying LaRusso? She was way out of his league and he knew that LaRusso knew it too, or maybe he didn’t, he really was insufferable in that sense. Must have been the New Jersey in him.

His progeny was sitting with Miguel off to the side whispering to each other out of ear shot and the annoying little brat mini-me of his was for once not being an annoying brat. He was sitting quietly beside his mom who was talking to Aisha.

Johnny sensed a presence looming over him before a weight dropped down onto the empty seat beside him.

“You okay, Johnny?”

There were times when Johnny wanted to hate LaRusso and it came easy; the feeling and the execution of it.

But there were other times when Johnny couldn’t stop thinking that in another scenario in another lifetime; had their first meeting been different, his life and his hate-hate relationship with LaRusso might also have also turned out completely different.

He scrubbed his face with a little too much vehemence before he sighed, leaving back heavily against the backrest of the seat.

“I should have been there for him,” he said. It wasn’t the answer to the question LaRusso had asked but somehow it was the only thing on his mind. “I should have been there for this… I should have always been there. I never should have turned my back on him,” he said and he didn’t know why the words flowed out so easily to LaRusso. It happened during his confession about Sid and it happened about Kreese and it was happening again.

He couldn’t understand it.

“You can’t change the past, Johnny,” LaRusso said, “You can only change what you do from that point on. Leave the past in the past – we should have done that. I should have done that.” Johnny didn’t reply but LaRusso didn’t seem like he was waiting for one either. “What did the police say?”

The police had been by before LaRusso and his family arrived, having been called by the hospital because of the nature of Robby’s injuries and how he’d gotten them.

Johnny didn’t have much to add but Miguel, Aisha, Hawk and Moon was almost tripping over each other in order to give their statements.

Johnny hadn’t really been listening that closely to whatever it was they were saying, but the officer seemed fluent in teenage babble because he was taking notes and didn’t seem at all blown away by the sheer volume of sound coming at him from all sides.

It wasn’t until Miguel said that the guy who tackled Robby had long hair and some sort of lip dirt mustache on his face and Aisha added that Robby said they were friends of his did all the puzzle pieces finally fall into place.

Johnny’s fist found the broad side of the wall behind him before he could even verbally react, startling the kids and the officer who was standing there. He told the officer about the two losers Robby used to hang out with, he didn’t know their names or where they lived, though he regretted that lack of information because it was hard resisting the urge to march out of that hospital to deliver those guys the ass kicking they were asking for and so deserved. He told the officer to go ask Robby’s mom and proceeded to give them her address. He’d tried calling her many times but the call would immediately go into voicemail, not that he was all that surprised but he was both pissed off and disappointed on Robby’s behalf.

He could feel the heat of the stares on the back of his head as he was talking but he didn’t turn around. It wasn’t that he was scared or anything, least of all of Miguel and his bunch of nerds, but there was the fear of looking back and seeing the look of disappointment and betrayal on their faces. He couldn’t comprehend why that would even bother him, not that he needed their approval for anything, but perhaps it was because he hated to admit how much the kids under his tutelage had come to grow on him, especially Miguel. The thought of disappointing him struck a deep chord inside his heart and he’d hate knowing that he’d manage to disappoint two boys he cared about.

He’d let Robby down too many times already in his life. He wasn’t there for him growing up and he only stood by with his dick in his hand while his own son got the crap beaten out of him by not one, but two of his own students. What kind of shit father was that?

The Johnny Lawrence kind, that’s what. He only had Sid and Kreese as role models growing up so he wasn’t exactly the poster boy for healthy upbringing, but it wasn’t fair to Robby the fact that he couldn’t put his own trauma on the backburner and put someone else’s needs before his for the first time.

It occurred to him then that he almost lost that chance, like… truly occurred to him. His son almost died. He almost died in Johnny’s arms and he realized with great regret that he didn’t know anything about him. He didn’t know what band he liked or what movie he enjoyed. He didn’t know what he liked to do for fun or who his idols were.

The Robby he saw at the tournament, being coached by Daniel LaRusso of all people was different from the Robby he met at the apartment a few months before. He seemed less… burdened and weighed down, like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was as if he found the kind of internal peace and balance that Johnny never managed to. And to think that it came from the teachings of his rival… that was the swift kick to the balls type of wake-up call he didn’t realize he needed.

He found LaRusso still waiting on his answer when he finally turned around.

“The kids gave a good description of the guys that attacked Robby and I know for sure two of them were guys Robby used to hang around with – real bad news, loser types,” he said. “I guess, he did take after his dad in one aspect,” he added as a mutter under his breath.

“You know… a couple of months ago there was an incident. A couple of guys got caught on camera trying to break into the garage at my shop. Robby was actually the one who stopped them and I think we got the footage of their faces saved in the security room,” LaRusso said. “I’ll call the officers and let them know to drop by there.”

“Yeah, thanks,” said Johnny distractedly. “Hey, LaRusso,” he called back when LaRusso got to his feet and was about to walk away to make the call.

“Yeah?”

“Just… thanks. Thanks for being there for him when I wasn’t,” said Johnny. “Thanks for… well, thanks for being a good mentor to him. God knows the kid needs some good role models in his life. He never even stood a chance.”

LaRusso sighed, though a small smile curled at his lips. “You don’t need to thank me, Johnny. I just… I guess I had a good sensei in Mr. Miyagi. You didn’t and it’s not your fault. But it’s obvious these kids have a good sensei in you, judging by what they did and how they handled the situation. So just… don’t count yourself out just yet, I did and that was my mistake. You got a chance to become a better sensei than the one you had and you still have a chance to be a better father than what you had.”

Johnny was genuinely touched by LaRusso’s words but the moment was quickly snuffed out by cough. “You really are a lame-ass optimist, LaRusso.”

LaRusso laughed. “It’s all that bonsai trimming,” he said, “You should try it one day. It’s very relaxing.”

Fortunately for Johnny, the sappy moment was cut short and immediately subdued by the arrival to the doctor pulling off his mask and cap and calling for the family of Robby Keene.

Johnny wasn’t thinking anything when he approached the man; he could sense Miguel and the rest stepping up beside him and in an unexpected turn of event, he found comfort in the presence of LaRusso standing just a few feet away.

“I’m his father,” he said and in that moment he realized that what the doctor was going to say was about to bring him relief or cause his entire world to come crumbling down to his feet.

He steeled himself.

Tbc.

[deconstructionofworkforpayot]

My positionality: Why should my child unlearn the same things I did?

Is it ignorant or fear of change that every generation has to fall trap into the same oppressing system? from our great grandmothers, who we identify as heroes of the society, our mothers, the cornerstones? Are we really going to be that generation that carries the silence of oppression passing it on to our children? Fortunately, I became a mum at what I call an ‘awakening age’ and aspired to be a different mum since then. I’m not saying other mums out there are not enough or that my mum is bad, but I have seen so many unlearned practices from her life.

Growing up in a ‘broken family’ without a father and having uncles play the father figure role had me yearning to covet the rights women have neglected for years and derange the patriarchal system. I mean, I identified my mother as mum and dad, although I hate calling her dad. Yes, she took on both roles, trying so much to not have me feel the gap of his absence. Trust me, I don’t hate my dad and never did, even when he was still alive. I hate the choices he made of neglecting me, not that I want to pin his actions with unjust things happening in my life, but somehow his behavioural choices were distorted. Growing up with my mum had me realize that I had to do better than the woman dad left in my mum who could not fully be my role model. I identify myself not as a strong woman but as resilient. One who has been down several times and still woke up.

I’ve seen how my male cousins were treated better than anyone else, how they would be part of family gatherings and have a say while we were only involved for refreshments. I don’t hate my upbringing, maybe had I had a different one, I wouldn’t have learnt. But who am I kidding? This patriarchal system doesn’t only affect us within our families; it’s a societal norm. Crazy right? But we can’t shy from the reality that this social system is used by males to control females (Yifei, 2011). I grew up angry at how I had no voice, how everything was dictated to me, how the behavioural choices imposed on me by society were to their benefits and not what I want but, in the name of teaching and grooming me to become a submissive wife.

It’s sad how I have witnessed this in my community, where these ‘happily’ married women were victims of gender-based violence and had no one to run to. It's frustrating how some of these women in marriages taught submission raised children who were victims of domestic violence and how everybody else knew, but none took a step to intervene. This has led me to not give childish advice to my clients in terms of marriage and relationships. It has redefined how I relate to people regarding their religion, gender identity, spirituality, etc.

Funny how as we grow, we’re encouraged to not think of anything else besides marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I respect such a communion, especially when it's consensual. But what angers me is how we cannot choose who we want to marry, how, and when. We actually not even asked if we want to get married. But does it matter? We’re merely a land that should be fertile to these undeserving males we call men in our societies. What kind of men would do such to a woman? What kind of mothers would allow this to their daughters?

The yoke we carry of thinking about your family names whenever we have to do something, I’m not saying drag your family on the mud. But why must it always be women who should take that responsibility? When I fell pregnant, I was such an outcast. Mind you this is my body. Funny how I had no feelings, their main concern was how what I’ve ‘done’ ruined the family’s reputation. I felt like such a possession. Or am I? you know when everyone can say something about you?

I had gone against religious ethics, and dogma. I had become such a sinner that deserved to be in hell, well no one saw me as a woman, not even as a person. I remember how I was oppressed for actions I could not undo. For a child I could not abort. For a child I loved at the very moment I realized I have conceived.

Google (2021) this image shows how accepting to say nothing is actually a choice favoring the opposition.

Hence, I learned how much I could not have my child go through the same treatment. I fought to break the silence and to take a stand for myself and wellbeing. I had to find my identity, in a place that seemed like a war zone I was tired of being deprived of my thinking, and entitlement to my behavioural choices and decisions.

Social constructs that made other women so proud of being numb, satisfied with mediocre, revoked feelings of strength and preparedness for war in me. I had to fight for the many women coming after me, before me, my mother, my daughter but mostly myself. I had to fight and still fighting the logic of being okay with not questioning, being okay with acceptance in the name of ethnicity, language, geographical location, family status, religion, race, gender and even culture. I’m still fighting the idea of how in a romantic heterosexual relationship the man has to be taller than the girl, darker than the female, be more educated and earn more money than the female. I’m still fighting the “okayness” with polygamy but stereotypes with polyandry. The okayness with men having many sexual partners and the labelling over women who do the same. The okayness of men using the services of sex workers and how sex workers are immoral. I’m fighting the okayness of a brother sleeping for 10+ hours and sisters waking up at dawn, preparing food for the entire family menders.

Positionality is a term used to explain how a person sees life, sees the world and position themselves in a situation, political and or social context (Darwin Holmes, 2020). Although ones understanding of life is everchanging, it is also important to recognize and understand how the change affects people around us.

Google (2021) the emphasis is on acknowledging that as people we learn and change, hence ones positionality is dynamic.

 My positionality has been impacted upon by personal experiences with regards to gender, from the idea of what gender is, and how as soon as a child is born there is confinement of who and how they should behave and think. Such experiences have taught me to see a person as a person without labels, so what if treat a transgender? So, what if I treat a sex worker? Why should my ideas control my therapy? Its of very importance that I look at the person holistically and consider their positionality’s in everything. At the end of the day, I should be concerned with how the client’s occupations have been affected and what can be done to assist not analysing the persons preferences, gender identity, and behaviour. Assuming a person’s positionality is so important because it allows me as a therapist to get the clients holistic overview of self and life.

Google (2021) these are the factors affecting ones positionality.

 Hence at Kenville community, we look beyond the client’s family status and treat everyone as equals. Be it a doctor, one of our own OTs and a child from a disadvantaged family. We understand that quality of life is impacted by health, environment, race, gender, and social status. We have also looked at programmes we can use to educate our community through the maternal health programme. Which has included individuals who are from South Africa with an attempt to alert our communities that outside of skin colour lives people. Its actually not important which gender you assign with, which race you identify yourself as. We are people. We are women.

I have this great urge to have my daughter, sisters not having to unlearn social injustices. how about you?

Reference

References

1.    Darwin Holmes, A. (2020). Researcher Positionality - A Consideration of Its Influence and Place in Qualitative Research - A New Researcher Guide. Shanlax International Journal Of Education, 8(4), 1-10. https://doi.org/10.34293/education.v8i4.3232

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5.    Yifei, S. (2011). China in the "Post-Patriarchal Era". Chinese Sociology & Anthropology, 43(4), 5-23. https://doi.org/10.2753/csa0009-4625430401