#and so when i experienced a 2 year major repressive episode that got me put on medical leave that ruined everything

[redysetdare]

Genuinely wild how people can pretend to be "supportive" of ppl with depression until the person starts showing symptoms of depression, then suddenly it's "you're just so negative all the time. You just vent and complain all the time." Ect ect. Like wow! It's almost like depression makes it difficult to be happy and fine 24/7! It's almost like depression is life altering and actively affects your mood and ability to interact with people and life in a healthy and normal way! An absolute shocker!

[exclassified]

III. An Acknowledgement

Any time the humiliation of betrayal suddenly becomes painfully vivid, I try my best to keep myself afloat. Because I have a thesis to finish, job vacancies to apply, and one more chance to seize the day that I should not waste. I can’t be the sad young adult who continuously struggles to make peace with her disastrous romance. Society demands 24/7 optimism that radiates effortlessly out of a young woman. I want to confirm what society wants by not faking it. But it’s a damn hard work to make it when I’m still consumed by the negative emotions. I loathe that my over-sensibility lets them attached inside. 

A close pal of mine semi-seriously suggested to release the repressed disappointment by going the most “evil” version of myself. Send the screenshot! Scream the truth one is hiding from!! Burst the bubble she’s been living in comfort!!!

However, I barely have the courage to execute that kind of plan. In fact, I was just one window chat away. I could have just gone brutally honest and burned the bridge. But the idea of tearing down another fellow young woman via messaging app sounds like something I would be ashamed of in the future. 

I already tried to reach her out for a super quick meet-up to come clean. To share the complete, uncensored version of the story. To tell her right in the face that I hold no more grudges. To let her know that if later our path cross each other’s in a professional setting, I won’t be hostile to her in any possible form. But it’s a request declined. Alas, it’s a pack of mixed feelings left unexpressed. 

If I could ever ask something in a very self-absorbed way, I didn’t want to live carrying any emotional baggage. I never had one until I was involved in this situation. I can’t stop blaming my lonely 22-year-old self for opening the door recklessly – I barely knew who was knocking at that time. 

I should have found more about their past, on-and-off relationship dynamic. I should have followed my intuition to opt out of the game the moment I realised I was just a rebound. I should have taken the red flags seriously when I knew sooner-or-later it’s going to be a toxic relationship that causes real, lasting damages. I should have researched better online (shout out to collective geniuses who create blogosphere) that they’re bounded by unresolved issues, that one of them will give it another try in the future —  which they eventually did with one hell of background story remains untold. 

It’s not that I regret 100% upon this ugly episode. I cherish the silent moment, the laughter, the tear-jerking argumentation we shared together. I draw some lessons out of falling too deeply with someone’s dream. I appreciate his help and occasional kindness. I learn in so many ways about what it’s like to cooperate with someone (who rarely put you in his top priority while you always do) on day-to-day basis. On top of that, I am completely aware that I can’t force someone’s feelings towards a relationship. Had he asked for an end, I’d have jumped off the ship voluntarily. Looking for my life vest a month or two. Then I’ll go sailing on my own. He didn’t and that’s where the fiasco began. 

It’s just this unpleasant, exhausting feeling that the only thing I can hold is the hope of time-will-heal. What if this time it’s expired? Or what if the only way to strip off this always-fresh wound is by getting the side of my story heard? 

I kinda keep a little fool, wishful thinking that compassion and curiosity will somehow move her to lend ears for me. I do want to listen to her side of the story, too – only if she let me, though. Maybe someday she will see that making a stranger’s little fool, wishful thinking comes true is a part of doing random act of kindness.

P.S. Hey, I am not trying to do any harm to anyone. It’s the last thing I have in mind to reach the last stage of grief. If you happen to stumble upon this page and finally considering that a stories exchange simply wouldn’t hurt,  I’m always available for a full disclosure.

Jakarta, March 3, 2017.

II. CLOSURE

I have never been through a series of mental breakdowns as much as I had in the last three months of 2016. It was real tough, romance wise. It was the most sickening emotional rollercoaster I’ve ever experienced — and I put the blame on my incapability of letting the hurts go. I keep them, hoping they’ll soon turn to be blessing in disguise.

I choose to stay in the game because who knows. I self-console that maybe this is worth the pain. That maybe someone whom I do care would eventually be a person I wish him to be.

I know all the formulas to cut off the whole thing: avoid any possible access of communication, talk to friends, meet new people, travel. As each days passing, none of them are helpful to eliminate myself from the equation.

It is just so hard to cross someone out of your life when you’ve found comfort in the daily companionship. Then, here you are bound to helplessness because you’ve tried patience but it didn’t work. 

You raise the bar of tolerance one inch at a time. You’ve tried empathy. You put yourself on the other shoes to share the burden from the past. You’ve tried kindness.

You choose love over hatred, compassion over resentment, big-heartedness over vengefulness. But these efforts are not really reaching closure. And that’s one lesson to learn from en route to adulthood: you’re not getting what you want. life is not according to your desired plan.

Growing up, I am not equipped to face this kind of hardship. A kind of hardship made from the feeling of being taken for granted, of being the one who is sitting on the bench, of being the un-chosen.

To digest these three without becoming a crybaby would be a milestone of my early 20. It’d be a litmus test of how immune I’ll be to the next major heartbreak.

It’d be a solid proof that I could throw myself into any interpersonal experiments and I wouldn’t be losing my grip. I’d be fine and I’d be just the same person only going in another direction. However, this is an ideal scenario I am failing to live up to.

Remember, the Clinton’s affair? I’ve been pondering how Hillary forgives his husband. What kind of man   —  who happens to be POTUS42  —  thinks betrayal is pardonable?

How long does it take for Bill to earn the trust back? Does Hillary still see him as the same person who make the vow to be a loyal and honest partner?

Does she write as a therapy? How is her coping mechanism? How does she react when she hears about Monica Lewinsky?

Is she suddenly in tears? Does her body ache? And my no.1 wonder is, have Bill already got his karma?

All in all, I did learn the hard way to conclude that any form of deep emotional attachment is a risky investment; the other party might not mean to hurt us but who gets to decide what is hurtful and what is not?

I also eventually prove that one famous saying “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” does not apply in certain relationship. We can’t expect grown-ups to grow empathy and treat their lovers decently.

That’s such a bitter realisation, but apparently that’s exactly how the human world works, I believe.  It is not that the path is against us – it is just the path.

Yogyakarta, January 21, 2017. 

I. 11 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Let Yourself Emotionally Ripped Apart

1. It keeps you awake at night for days or worse, weeks.

You’ll wake up staring at the mirror and curse yourself for dark circles that your cheap concealer is unable to cover.

2. It generates too much what-ifs during the sleepless period.

Unfortunately, this self-talk does not fix anything you ruined. It’s completely over and whoops, it is all too late, stone-headed!

3. It turns you to be overly melancholic.

You can’t listen to Linger by The Cranberries without immersing yourself in the lyric, the melody. All you want to do is singing your heart out.

4. It slaps you hard that “hey, deep emotions are exhausting to have, you know.”

You are overwhelmed and hardly handle the ups and downs then wondering why you just can’t quit being a grown-up.

5. It makes you feel you have a bad life while what you actually have is only a bad moment.

But, still. Bad is bad, right?

6. It haunts you in silence.

in your phone screen, sent e-mails, sponsored t-shirts, blue toothbrush, checkered sarong, hairy arms, and whatnot.

7. It reminds you about the cancelled plans.

The movie you were both about to watch, books reading session, a weekend getaway, grad-school prep, and so on.

8. It makes you sound like a broken record for recalling the whole story to every distant but close pals who throw “how are you doing?”

“Not as fine as the last time you saw me.”

“Tell me.”

*voice squeaks*

*tear drops*

9. It makes you realise that crying barely helps us to let a person go.

10. It freaks you out that years later you will be having a classic episode of permanent regret.

11. It tells you to expect timeless restlessness.

Look, next time, please do yourself a favour: pick a better fight. To be in a state of broken-beyond-repair should only happen once in a lifetime since once is a mistake and twice is a decision. 

Depok, February 29, 2016.