#and so on and so on mix and match to fit whether you hate the U.S. from the right or the left

[ivan-fyodorovich-k]

I saw a thing the other day praising the "steadfast" Yemenis for downing another USAF drone, and also read an article about how Russia thrives in wartime because it gives their cultural impulse to suppress individuals in favor of total collective obedience to the state a logical application, and, you know

If these are the enemies, I feel generally OK about my society.

[cdragons]

Fuck Everything, But Mostly Fuck You - Part 2

Previous Part, Next Part

Summary: You have never, EVER, in a million years hated anyone the way you hated Felix fucking Catton. But silver linings exist in the sticky toffee pudding Mrs. Gavey made for you.

Warnings- MDNI 18+, Sex, Felix is Felix (a ho), Reader finally eating some good fucking food, Michael is Michael, Farleigh is Farleigh, Oliver is Oliver (a creep), alternating POVs between characters, and author has spent too much time researching Oxford crap for this mess for a crack fic to be a crack fic

Author's Note: BRUH??? HOW DID I GET SO MANY NOTES IN PART 1??? Everyone has been so wonderful and supportive. I received so many questions and comments, which have all been great! Thank you for reading this story, and I hope that this part lives up the first one. Also, this is technically a Christmas fic bc it just fits with the story's timeline. I would like to thank Grammarly for catching all my grammatical errors 🥲, @ethereal-athalia for enabling my crazy ideas 🥰, and @valeskafics for providing me Saltburn smut when I catch myself thirsting 😇

Christmas Eve - Saltburn 2006

“Oh! Oh – y-yes, yes, yes! FUCK!”

Fucking the girl underneath so hard to the point where she likely saw stars. Meanwhile, Felix was trying to finish as soon as possible.

“So big! God, you’re so fucking big – FUCK!”

He brought her to his room and in his bed because he thought her hair just barely matched yours, and if he didn’t think too much about it – her voice sounded a bit like yours too.

But he made a mistake.

The girl – whatever her name was – sounded nothing like you. Her hair was nowhere near as pretty and shiny as yours, and her nails were fucking long and sharp that they were digging for his blood. Her makeup too – fucking hell, it was like she trying out for the opera with how much she caked onto herself.

Every time Felix saw you – whether in the library or under a tree – your nails were trimmed short. And from what he remembered, you didn’t plaster yourself in cheap cosmetics.

No, you never needed to. Your style of choice was simpler and more elegant than most girls he knew, including his sister, Venetia. Granted, he loved his sister to bits and pieces, but the girl loved her spray tan in the winter.

But worst of all – she didn’t have your eyes. Her gaze was too mindless and soft, a mix of adoration and unparalleled lust. Your eyes held vivacious rage and

“Felix?” What’s-Her-Face asked. “You okay?”

Fuck, he was getting soft.

Closing his eyes, Felix knew the only way he would get to finish was to think of you. He thought about the last time he saw you. He remembered how hard the wind blew and how cold it was that night. He felt himself harden at the memory of how alive your eyes were right before and after you broke his nose. His back still had the welts from the blows of your notebook. Every time he saw them in the mirror, he would lovingly stroke each bruise because they were the only evidence that you were real.

That you weren’t just a figment of his imagination.

Letting his mind run wild, Felix imagined you here instead of this imposter. He’d imagine you on top – no way a woman like you would let anyone be on top, not even him. Fuck, you’d be the most wild thing ever to exist, he’s sure he’d let you do anything to him.

His heart, his soul – whether you cared for him or wished to crush him under your shoe – everything of his would be yours.

He wondered if you were the type to be into using a riding crop.

Regaining his vigor with his eyes still closed, he imagined you riding him until oblivion. Your breasts would fit perfectly in his hands as you would still be bouncing on his cock. Your head would be thrown back, and his eyes would roll to the back of his head at the feeling of your pussy tightening.

Oh God, he was going to blow.

Quickening his pace, the girl that wasn’t you was full-on howling in unbridled pleasure. When she climaxed, he could finally let go and come. Ropes of his cum spilled into the condom as he shouted out your name.

Falling to his side, he hadn’t bothered to check if Lady Not You remained in the sheets. It didn’t matter if she did; Felix was too exhausted to care. Finally feeling like he could rest, he fell into a dream about the day he felt his life truly begin – the day he met you.

First Week of Oxford University Michaelmas Term of 2006

Felix remembered the first time he saw you – it was after the first week since the term began. He and his mates were fucking around in Radcliffe, and the old bag running the desk was having a cow with them. He was bored out of his mind when all of a sudden – he spotted you on the upper level. You wore dark wash blue straight-leg jeans with rolled-up cuffs and white high-top Converse sneakers. It looked like your shirt must have been at least a decade old, given how the black-dyed cotton was faded to dark gray, and the paint looked cracked and chipped. Your thick locks were gathered in a loose but simple braid. Unlike everyone else, your eyes weren’t focused on him – but on the structure and life around him.

He had to know more.

Slipping a tenner to one of his friends to cause a distraction, he used the diversion to make his way to your spot on the second floor. Having a closer view, you were the most vividly gorgeous creature he had ever laid his eyes upon. He was worried that his movement toward you would alert you of his presence, and you would only scurry off – and away from him. But judging by the slight bobbing of your head, you wouldn’t be able to hear him since you were listening to whatever was playing through your earbuds.

All the better for him to keep observing you.

As he inched closer, his eyes caught the tiny wisps of your hair that weren’t contained by your messy braid, creating a lovely frame of your face while also bringing out the shine in your eyes. You had a simple gold chain around your neck with a circular locket hanging. From the side, Felix could faintly distinguish the words “Bon Jovi” in blue cracked paint and “1989” underneath a skull wearing red aviators.

He didn’t know who the fuck Bon Jovi was, but clearly, he was someone pretty fucking important to you.

But what captured Felix’s interest was how engrossed you were with the scene unfolding underneath you. Your eyes very rarely broke away from the view – only to quickly glance at the hardcover sketchbook you balanced on the white-painted railing. Whenever you glanced down at your sketch, Felix could see how long and thick your eyelashes were. Each time you blinked, it was like his mind broke down the movement of your eyelids frame by frame as if he were editing a Garry Marshall film. He wished he could be your cheek at that moment. If only to feel the gentle flutter of your lashes’ touch. Deep in your concentration, your lips were slightly pursed in a way that brought out their luscious fullness.

He couldn’t help but imagine how they would look around his cock. If he came inside your mouth, he was sure that some of his spunk would leak past your lips before you tried your best to swallow it down.

He was so lost in the fantasy of you and him that he hadn’t realized you had been calling out to him. Breaking out of his reverie, he looked down to see you right before him. And you looked downright pissed at him.

“Hey! HEY!” you exclaimed while waving your hand to his face to catch his attention.

You were American. How adorable.

“If you could stop staring at me like a fucking serial killer, I think your ‘mates’ are trying to get your attention.”

You pointed your finger at his group of friends still on the first floor. It seemed that they successfully drove away the grounds' warden. The old bat was now fixated on putting away all the returned or misplaced books on the shelves.

Must have been Farleigh’s idea.

Anyway, back to you.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Hey, can I get your –” but you were gone by the time he turned back to you.

Instead, he found himself alone on the second floor. He quickly glanced around to see if you had just moved to a different area. But you were gone. Racing the stairwell, hoping to catch up to you, he found that you had already walked too far for him to call you out without seeming completely desperate.

Except that he was.

He watched you walk away – shoulders back, posture straight, and head held high – and thought at how utterly unfair it was to him that you walked away from him so beautifully without giving him your number, or at least your name.

Felix woke up in a dark room; he was confused as to why the maids hadn’t drawn curtains – until he realized that Mum had likely sent them for their holiday after the party was finished.

It's too bad that he wasn’t there to see everyone out like a good son. But he wouldn’t beat himself over about it too much – chances were that his parents were also hungover off their asses too. He didn’t even want to imagine V’s state right now.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Felix dug into his closet to find whatever someone wore the morning after fucking a completely faceless stranger to scratch an itch meant for someone else. In the corner of his eye, he caught sight of a little note on his nightstand. Swiftly plucking it with two fingers, he could barely make out the words written in swirly cursive.

My name’s Cassie. Just thought you should know for next time. Call me: XXXX-XXXXXXX 💋

Felix scoffed before tossing the dingy paper to the floor – destined to be forgotten before the next hour came – before locking himself in the bathroom to take a piss and wash off the smell of booze and cigs off his skin.

By the time he was finished, it was probably close to noon. He would have made his way down to the kitchens to fix something up – but he was immediately met with Farleigh as soon as he stepped out of the doorway. Bastard startled him up so bad that he practically jumped a foot off the ground.

“Fucking – really, Farleigh?” he asked. “Practically gave me a heart attack first thing in the morning.”

“It’s almost one so that ship has sailed.” He quipped back. “Aunt Elspeth and Uncle James were quite distraught when their golden son wasn’t seen by any of the guests when the party ended. It wasn't good when the Carltons’ daughter was gone for almost an hour. But at least she returned to her loving parents’ arms by the time it was to go home.”

Farleigh shot his cousin a curious look.

“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you? I’m pretty sure her name was Cassandra.”

Felix just shrugged.

“Don’t know about any Cassandras. Fucked a Cassie last night, though.”

Farleigh snorted a laugh as they went to the kitchens to see if any food was prepared.

“Merry Christmas, indeed.”

A few minutes of companionable silence passed before Felix asked his cousin something important.

“Hey, do you think she’s thinking about me?”

“Cassie or Cassandra? Because the answer’s probably yes anyway.”

“No, not them. Y/N, Y/N L/N.”

Farleigh immediately stopped. He genuinely wondered how Felix managed to get into Oxford sometimes. Sure, he was a legacy kid, but the line had to be drawn somewhere.

“You really think,” he slowly began, “that the girl who dragged you out of the library in front of everyone, broke your nose, beat you bruised with only her flimsy-ass notebook – because you ruined her painting – would be thinking about you?”

Judging by the look in his cousin’s eyes, yes. Sighing at the incredulity of it all, Farleigh could only shake his head before finding something to eat and drink away the migraine he could feel was coming.

Watching his cousin walk away from him, Felix knew he thought he was fighting a losing battle. But he wasn’t too worried. Everything would change during the upcoming term. Oxford was its own world – broken away from everything else. All that mattered to anyone in Oxford was this world's history, present, and future. And now – as it was made clear now to Felix – you were also part of that world. He would get to find you again and make sure to bring you to the point where you would look for him the way he would look for you.

Still, a selfish part of Felix hoped that you were even just the slightest bit miserable being away from him as he was being away from you.

Manchester, December 2006

You were having the time of your life.

Michael invited you to his home in Manchester for Christmas to spend the holidays with his family. You refused, at first, the idea of being a burden to your best friend during a time when it should be spent with family. Michael liked to put up a big front, but you knew that he was just as – if not more – excited to spend Christmas with his folks than you were before the “incident.”

But he insisted, and you could not have been more grateful for the invitation. But you wish you were a tad bit more graceful with your reaction when he first brought it up.

Oxford Dining Hall December 2006

You were angrily shoveling pasta into your mouth at the time. Sadly, the appallingly bland marinara sauce paired with the overcooked spaghetti and dry meatballs was the university's most flavorful dish.

“Come home with me.” He told you one evening during dinner time at the dining hall.

Caught off guard, you half-choked on the mountain of overcooked noodles in your mouth. Immediately, you reached for your glass of water to wash it down and to prevent a truly horrifically dull death.

“What?” you croaked out.

“Come with me to my house for Christmas.” He clarified, utterly unfazed by your near death. “Come on, you’ve been complaining to me all week about not being able to fly back for the holidays. And no one should have to spend Christmas eating whatever slop they’ll end up serving.”

“Michael,” you began, “I am not going to impose on your family like that. And you seemed to have forgotten one key detail: I can’t leave until I re-do the painting.”

“So, come over after you finish,” he reasoned, “I know you remember what to do, and that already cuts the time you originally spent on it in half. You won’t need a whole month to do it again, so come over when you finish. Plus, you don’t have your other classes to worry about.”

You knew that he was right – he was right about a lot of things – but the offer still made you uncomfortable. Scholarship student or not, you were no one’s charity case. If there was one thing you hated more than being underestimated, it was being pitied by people who didn’t know you. That wasn’t the case with Michael, but the feeling made you feel small.

You hated feeling small.

“That doesn’t change the fact that I would be imposing on your family. Your mom’s a nurse, right? She’s probably been looking forward to your homecoming for ages now. Informing her that she should be expecting a complete stranger, who would be staying for two weeks, would be a huge burden on her. She shouldn’t have that kind of stress burdening her during the holidays.”

He rolled his eyes at your concern.

“Don’t be a drama queen. I already have one in my life, and I’m genetically attached to her. And you’re hardly a stranger. Mum’s always asking when you would be visiting anyway. She’s worried if you’re eating enough or getting enough sleep. She’s a bit looney like that.”

You shot your friend a glare. He was trying way too hard to keep a cool, nonchalant façade. Michael Gavey was a total sucker for his family but in the sweetest way. During the long study sessions that stretched into the night, Michael’s defenses were lowered, and you could get more information about his life and home.  

His mom was a Manchester Royal Infirmary nurse practitioner, while his dad was an accountant at Pearl Lemon. They met at a coffee shop. He was working as a barista to pay off his student loans, and she was a nurse just starting her residency. He wowed her with his terrible jokes, and she charmed him with her infectious smile, and the rest was history. Three years into their marriage, baby Mikey was born, with the addition of his baby sister Lilypad a decade later.

When you remained silent, Michael knew your stubbornness would give him endless headaches. But you were his best friend, the only person he saw worth befriending in the infinite sea of prats and slags that overpopulated their university. You laughed at his shitty jokes, and he snorted at yours. You would try to trip him up with out-of-pocket sums; he’d laugh when he answered them before your calculator. You had his back when some rugby bloke pushed him around, and he had yours when some fake tanned bitch called you a tramp.

“Look, I can’t promise it’ll be anything like your home. I know you miss your mum’s cooking and your dad’s drunk stories. But my parents already made me promise that I would get you to visit because it’s Christmas and no one should be alone and you’re going to die without me here and blah blah blah. Just say you’ll come? Lil’ will murder me if you don’t come. She’s been dying to hear all about the Great Apple and Broadway.”

“…It’s actually called the Big Apple.”

Your comment brought a loud and rather unattractive snort to leave his mouth. And the chuckle that came after brought a small and tentative smile on you.

“Look, are you coming or not?”

You had to admit, the invitation sounded welcoming. You were dying to put faces on the people that made Michael Gavey, well, Michael Gavey. He rarely talked about his family, but his tone was warm and soft when he did. It was such a sweet contrast to the snarky little shit you were used to, and so temptation won in the end.

“…Fine.” You agreed after dragging out the tension. “But I am bringing presents for all your family members, and you have to help me. And any funds that were spent on me are going to be paid back before summer. Got it?”

A true, genuine smile crept across Michael’s face.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“…Will I be seeing any baby pictures of you?”

“Don’t push it.”

You weren’t sure what exactly to expect from Michael’s family – maybe they were wonderful, or maybe the idea of an American that hailed from a city with some of the highest crime rates in the US gave them hives – but you were sure that you wouldn’t be alone if Michael were with you. Safe to say, your expectations were set way too low.

His dad's arms immediately enveloped Michael after you two exited at your stop and the station. You had always assumed most British father figures to be a bit cold and distant, but it seemed that stereotype didn’t apply to his dad. You went in for a handshake but were also caught in a warm hug. You introduced yourself while expressing your gratitude to him and his wife’s generosity.

“Oh no, please,” he insisted, “please call me Greg. Mr. Gavey was my father’s name, and I don’t think I’ve grown that many wrinkles yet.”

When you arrived at his home, it was a medium-sized red brick building in the suburbs. After entering the door and Greg announcing your arrival, quick footsteps ran down the stairs, and a young girl with golden honey curls in pajamas and a pink tutu ran to Michael.

“MIKEY!” she exclaimed. “YOU’RE HOME! Did you miss me? Why did it take you so long? You said your tests were done by the third. It’s the fifteenth today!”

“Lily, Lily,” Michael breathily laughed, “calm down. Of course, I missed you. But I had to wait for my friend because she’s hopeless with directions.”

“That is not true!” you blurted. “It’s not my fault I come from a grid system!”

“Anyway, this is my very good friend, Y/N L/N. Y/N L/N, this is my little sister, Lily.”

Lily turned to you with a big smile and curtsied like a perfect ballerina.

“Hello! My name is Lily! I’m eight, but I’ll be nine in April!”

You almost squealed at how adorable the sight was. You crouched down and mirrored her smile.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Lily! I’m Y/N, and I’m turning nineteen this coming b/m! Your brother here told me so much about you.”

“He did?” she asked with wide eyes.

“He did! He told you how smart you are in math and that you’re an amazing ballerina.”

Lily shyly looked down as a massively cute blush bloomed on her cheeks.

“I wanna be good at sums like Mikey. That way, I can help Daddy with his work like Mikey did when he was my age.”

“Ok!” interjected ‘Mikey,’ cheeks equally flushed at the slipped detail from his baby sister. “Time to find Mum. She in the kitchen?”

“Yep! She’s making roast chicken and mash with peas!” She turned to you. “Is Y/N allergic to anything?”

“Nope!” you replied, “Only dust, but I’m pretty sure that won’t be in the dishes.”

Meeting Michael’s mom – who was absolutely gorgeous, by the way – was another huge highlight of the break so far. Hearing you three entering the kitchen, she immediately turned off the stove and dashed over to hug you and her son.

“Oh, Y/N!” she warmly greeted you. “I’m so happy that you were able to come. Michael has told me so much about you. Have you adjusted well in Oxford? The time difference isn’t putting too much strain on you, is it? You both look so skinny – are they feeding you at all at that school?”

“Careful, Mum. You might scare her off.”

You shot him a mocking glare before answering his mother.

“Don’t be mean! And I think I’ve adjusted well enough to the university. Jet lag wasn’t too much of an issue because my parents made sure I moved into my dorm early and adjusted to the time zone changes before classes started. The food they serve at the dining halls doesn’t compare to homecooked meals, so I haven’t had much of an appetite. But after walking into the kitchen, I think I’ll be able to regain it once I have your cooking!”

“Oh, you are so sweet! I’ll let you get settled. Greg and I cleaned up the guest room for you. It’s next to Lilypad’s room. She’s excited to hear any stories you have about New York. It’s just on the second floor at the end of the hall.”

Walking back to the entrance to grab your bags, you were just in earshot of Michael and his mom’s conversation.

“Michael! Why didn’t you tell me she was so beautiful! I thought she was a model from Vogue when she first walked in! Are you sure nothing’s going on between you two? Should I expect any grandchildren in the near future?”

“Mum!” he loudly groaned as you softly chortled.

Christmas with the Gaveys was so much fun. You played a dozen board games. Michael was a beast in Poker and Uno while you cleared the board with Scrabble and Black Jacks. Mrs. Gavey was a fantastic cook – you couldn’t remember the last time you had any meal that had more than salt as a seasoning since coming to England. You tried sticky toffee pudding for the first time – you almost cried at that first bite. Everyone was so warm to each other and showered one another with so much love. Most of the neighbors watched Michael grow up, and many shared his childhood stories. It reminded you a lot of the Christmases at your parents’ apartment back in Queens.

The community and camaraderie- it was like you were back at home with your family. Your mom would pick up a roast duck from Peking Duck Sandwich Stall in Flushing while you and your dad would go to Eileen’s to wait in line to pick up your favorite cheesecake. The building would have a huge potluck on Christmas Eve, and everyone would bring a dish. Your neighbor, Mrs. Wong, would bring out everything necessary to make her famous dumplings. Everything was made from scratch. You and the kids of the building would learn how to wrap the fillings in the wrappers while the adults made the wrappers and fillings. You would play White Elephant with the other kids on Christmas Day, which usually ended in a fistfight.

You still missed home. You missed your parents and cat. You missed making cookies with your parents because Christmas was the only time when both of them had time off from work. While his school was still on break, you and your dad would take advantage of your mom’s employee benefits and watch a bunch of live Broadway shows.

When your parents skyped you, you cried after seeing their faces for the first time in so long. School was so stressful, and you were starting to regret traveling so far when you could have easily gone to a school so much closer to home. You tried your best to reschedule your flight, but round-trip flights were expensive, and they increased exponentially during the holidays.

You cried for an hour after seeing the prices online.

But thanks to Michael, you felt so much less alone than you would have if you had stayed at Oxford for the entire break. You introduced him to your parents during the call, and they loved him. It was such a massive relief that they liked your friend, especially because of how much his friendship meant to you. When he left the room, your parents basically forced you to ensure he would come with you to stay with you when you returned for the summer. They were shocked when you told them he had never had fresh jianbing or a decent slice of pizza. After the call, you were confident they were making a list of every store and stall you and Michael would visit during his visit.

Classic Queens’ family behavior – showing love by forcing food down your throat whether you like it or not.

At the moment, you were at the window in your room and looking at the moon. It was about three in the morning, and the rest of the household was asleep.

Well – everyone except one.

Michael had crept in about half an hour ago, and the two of you were just looking at the stars. You hadn’t expected to see so many – you could only see the lights from planes and aircraft at night back home. There wasn’t any talking, only comforting silence. The scene outside your window with the fresh snow on top of the rooftops and ground. Each house had a slight outline of their Christmas tree lights shining from their lower windows.

Your fingers itched for your pencil and sketchbook to immortalize it.

Ever so softly, Michael broke the silence while looking at you.

“So,” he began, “how would you rate your first English Christmas in the Gavey Household?”

You looked back at him with the biggest smile that Michael had ever seen on you.

“Ten out of ten. Would pay to see lightsaber reenactment again.”

If there was a God out there, you prayed for the coming term to be as wonderful as this holiday had been for you.

Suburban Prescot, Liverpool December 2006

In a well-established suburban home in Prescot, a short boy with crystal blue eyes and inky black hair locked himself in his room. The noise and babble from downstairs gave him a headache. He hated his parents. He hated his sisters. He hated being invisible and being from nowhere.

He had to get out of here.

In his backpack, a photo of a specific heir of a manor was safely tucked in the bottom. The new term was going to be different for him. He would make sure of it.

Tagging: @aemondsbabe, @ethereal-athalia, @arcielee, @asa-do-your-thing, @valeskafics, @axelsagewrites, @the1999kid, @poolnoodlerescuer, @winterblu2, @abaker74, @whereismymindnow, @agustdeeyaa, @iamavailablesstuff, @bonnieblue0606, @st-eve-barnes, @nyxthoughtss

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list by commenting!

[its-avalon-08]

hii, can you write a headcanons for kimi as being boyfriend of a model? tysm!

world apart yet we fit

kimi räikkönen x model!reader

kimi, despite his stoic exterior, secretly keeps every magazine cover or spread y/n is featured in. he has a hidden folder on his laptop titled "the most beautiful smile" which is just y/n's modeling photos.

y/n knows kimi hates attending galas or award shows with her, so she finds ways to make it fun for him. they create a secret game of counting the most outrageous outfits or spotting the most bored celebrities.

kimi isn't the most vocal with his feelings, but he always makes sure to pick y/n up from the airport after a long modeling trip, no matter how early or late it is. he has the biggest bouquet of flowers in his hand along with her favorite take out.

kimi knows healthy eating can be difficult during long modeling shoots. he preps little care packages of her favorite trail mix and healthy snacks to sneak into y/n's luggage.

kimi hates crowded restaurants, so after a race weekend, they have a tradition of ordering takeout from their favorite local place and having a movie marathon in their pajamas (which are matching).

y/n hides little notes with motivational quotes or silly jokes in kimi's race helmet before qualifying or the main race. eg- "my icemean, show them hell xoxo y/n/n"

kimi pretends to be grumpy when y/n gushes about him in interviews, but secretly he loves it. he'll catch her eye from across the room and give her a small, genuine smile.

y/n knows how much kimi values his privacy. she never forces him to be on social media with her, but she might sneak a goofy picture of him relaxing at home into her instagram story every now and then. (he pretends to be annoyed but secretly adores the attention).

kimi isn't the best gift-giver, but he always remembers those little things y/n mentions in passing. he once surprised her with a rare book on a finnish artist she'd admired from afar and he got it for her.

y/n encourages kimi to reconnect with his finnish hobbies. they spend summer afternoons going for quiet nature walks or fishing in the finnish countryside, just the two of them.

kimi, who hates flying, will conquer his fear and accompany y/n on certain shoots if it means they get to explore a new location together.

y/n knows kimi isn't the most expressive with words, so she's learned to read his emotions through small gestures. a raised eyebrow means he's proud of her, a small squeeze of her hand means he's happy. but kimi surprised her and with the help of sebastian as him teammate, he became more expressive and comfortable with pda.

after a particularly tough race, y/n will find kimi sketching in his notebook. it's a little-known hobby that helps him de-stress. she'll sit beside him in comfortable silence, drawing circles with her finger on his bicep, just being a calming presence.

they have a tradition of celebrating each other's victories, big or small. whether it's a podium finish for kimi or a major campaign booking for y/n, they clink champagne flutes (or milk if it's late) and celebrate each other's achievements.

kimi hates the male models who get to comfortable and makes it a point to stay as close to her as possible, causing y/n to jokingly call him her guard dog.

kimi and y/n adore eachother to the end of the earth. he calls her kulta <3

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

i hope you enjoyed! happy reading <3 do send in more requests! as for pre existing requests- im working on it! lots of love ava

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

[kolsmikaelson]

— ANGUS TULLY NSFW ALPHABET

NOTES — not quite sure on angus’ canon age but for the sake of this he’s over 18.

WARNINGS — nsfw 18+ content, fem!reader, not proofread so ignore any typos

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A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

he doesn’t understand the point of aftercare in the beginning, but once you’ve explained it to him he’s a god at aftercare. he’ll keep a stash of water bottles in his room to have one on hand at all times, cleans you up and brings you to the restroom, will ask if there’s anything else he can do for you, and then take you back to bed and cuddles with you until you both fall asleep, all while whispering sweet praises to you.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

he doesn’t really have a favorite of his own, he doesn’t think he’s anything special until he meets you and learns to love himself a bit more!! but his favorite body part of yours is your eyes and your tits. he adores the way he can look into your eyes and see the love you have for him. and he doesn’t mind taking a peek down your shirt every once in a while either.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

he loves cumming on your face, the sight of you on your knees in front of him, tongue lolling out of your mouth drives him crazy.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

he loves shower sex. there's just something about it that makes him lose his mind

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

the most inexperienced person ever, definitely would let you take the lead (even if you’re just as inexperienced as him) for a while until he’s more comfortable taking charge

F = Favorite position ( goes without saying)

full nelson or mating press

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

the farthest thing from serious that you can be, he tries to be serious but one little thing will send him into a fit of giggles

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

he’s not groomed at all, it’s a bit of a mess until you come along, then he’ll let you teach him (do it for him) how to keep it under control

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

he wants to make it as romantic as he can for you, usually. but of course there’s the off chance that he’ll be more mean (aka when he’s jealous) but he still makes sure that you feel how much he loves you

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

he’s such a loser he jerks off so often. more so when he meets you because he can’t keep his mind off of you

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

huge mommy kink. he likes it when you spit in his mouth. praise kink

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

the showers or somewhere else that's semi-public

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

knowing that he’s made you proud of him, whether that be from acing an exam or something else, the smile and the praises he gets from you gets him so hard so quickly

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

no piss kink at all. and he doesn’t want to choke you, but he wouldn’t exactly be against you choking him from time to time

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

he doesn’t start out the best at it but he loves giving you head, he likes to learn every inch of your body, what makes you tick, what you do and don’t like

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

a mix of both honestly, he’s kind of sloppy in a way, but he goes back and forth

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

hates them. he feels like he doesn’t get enough time with you

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

sort of, he’s not super big on taking risks seeing as he doesn’t want to hurt you in any way but depending on what it is and if you also want to try it, he’ll be game

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

not very long, but he recovers quickly enough. usually you can get two/three rounds at once before he needs a little break

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

he doesn’t own any toys for himself, but he likes using your vibe on the both of you. especially when he’s inside of you, he likes the way he can feel the vibrations too

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

he wouldn’t know how to tease you well if it hit him dead in the face. but when you tease him? he’s obsessed

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

he’s so loud, sometimes he’ll have to hide his face in your neck to try and muffle the noises he’s making, but he can’t help it, you just feel so good

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

he loves sucking and biting on your tits, he’s the biggest boob guy there is

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

he’s big. and i’m talking angus is hung. he doesn’t think he’s all that big until he meets you and sees the look of shock on your face when you see his cock for the first time

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

decently high. he’s so in love with you and is constantly thinking about you. he’ll zone out and start daydreaming about you and end up getting hard

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

he passes out quickly. he takes care of you, cleans you up and is out like a light

© kolsmikaelson : please do not copy, repost, or modify any of my content.

[shaunashipman]

Pardon if you've already discussed this specifically! This has just weighing on my mind again because I keep seeing unjustified points in posts of fans (stans) trying to provide evidence to validate their hate 👀

I get canon vs. fanon. I know we (all) see something happen once or repeatedly and think it has more significance than what it probably does, and it's fun to fantasize. I also understand in fandoms, generally as a whole, we'll (all) be like "ehh yeah let's pretend that didn't just happen!" Like when a character dies or when trying to bleach our brains from seeing something inappropriate. You know, coping with a loss or trying to make the show watchable/toleratable still. Right? My confusion these last 5 months or so is people wanting to use "it's implied" because of personal feelings and not factual reasonings based on the episodes or "I didn't see it so it didn't happen!" to disregard one side but then will use those same points to prove they're right because they're upset about what's canon. Does that make sense? I know they don't care about the hypocrisy, but they can't be serious... personal feelings still don't make it canon 🤨

Strongest example(s) being "whether Tommy apologized" split between "it's repeatedly implied as they all hung out outside of work and had continuous contact throughout the years and they more than likely wouldn't befriend him if he didn't or still acted the same given their standards" against "we never saw him say 'sorry' so he wasn't actually forgiven since... WE didn't see it" leading us to "the 118/fam don't like Tommy because of their facial expressions and how they responded to him." As they said before, if it wasn't aired, it's not canon... unless it fits their agenda. They seem to mix and match and decide what's appropriate for canon to fit their needs. I see them choosing which particular bts, unused promo, or deleted scenes as they please because it's "good" for their ship/character, but turning around and saying the opposite, if it wasn't aired during an episode it didn't happen, if it challenges their desires...

Why is it that they'll use the HenRen/Tommy deleted scene as an "interpretation" of HK questioning or as they say "not approving" of Tommy as something canon because it "proves" whatever they're making up about anti TK/BT, but won't accept and even denied the implication Tommy's "maybe apology" because it wasn't seen? And at the same time, they also want to say Eddie only strictly "emotionally cheated because they didn't air the kiss," but Ramon canonically said "He (Christopher) said he came home and caught you kissing his dead mother" and Eddie said "it's a little true" not in regards to the kissing but to it being "Shannon" but still they'll swear up and down Kim and Eddie NEVER canonically kissed because it wasn't seen?? Like neither was the "shovel talk" so 🤦🏾‍♀️

Dumbfounded... 😅

So let me get this straight. HenRen/Tommy scene wasn't aired, but it's still canon... Kim/Eddie kiss edit version wasn't aired but verbally confirmed during airing also not canon... and Tommy's apology that was not scripted but implied, most definitely, not canon... ???

I know there's no logic, but I can't wrap my head around it no matter how hard I try to comprehend it 😂 I honestly try to not to think negativity about shippers and stans but wow I'm confused lol

so, I'm actually writing a meta right now that touches on a lot of what you're saying, so I'm gonna leave that for now, but I will talk about the deleted kiss

I've said before, I don't consider deleted scenes canon, I call them "schrodinger's canon". we can certainly treat them as canon for fandom stuff and also spec, but if the show contradicts them, it's not a ret-con. so to me, the henren tommy scene is not actually canon. it seems like it was probably just cut for time, so I have no problem with people treating it like canon, so long as they understand that it can be discarded very easily.

so in that vein, the eddiekim kiss isn't canon to me. it was cut, and probably not for time, but because they felt it didn't fit. I don't see ramon's line as contradicting that in any way. the doylist explanation is probably that they intended to have them kiss, as it was filmed, but then decided against it after having already filmed the finale

the watsonian explanation is, chris could very well be embellishing, OR it's that he's a traumatized teenager who walked in on his dad embracing a women who looks like his dead mother. in between seeing that and calling his grandparents, it's very possible his brain distorted it and he really does think they were kissing.

but emotional cheating is still cheating. I wouldn't even put a qualifier on it, it's just cheating. idc that you never kissed, the other woman was clearly under the impression you were in a relationship, however chaste of one, it's cheating. you think if kim hadn't shown up at the firehouse and buck went to talk to eddie, that it wouldn't have ended with them fucking? eddie was fantasizing about sex within a day, they would have fucked and he would have called her shannon, and it would have been gloriously messy, and much better than what we got.

also, I feel like comparing the deleted kiss to the deleted henren tommy scene is uneven. let's talk about the kiss and the potential eddie/tommy pairing. cause either deleted content matters or it doesn't. if them cutting the kiss means it didn't happen and eddie "only" emotionally cheated, then any possibility of eddie/tommy is also irrelevant. cause they got far enough to film the kiss, while eddie/tommy was only talked about, and we don't even know how briefly.

anyway, this is a little disjointed, but I'm gonna go work on that meta that'll hopefully be clearer

[bengiyo]

Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy X A Tale of Thousand Stars Ep 4 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

Yesterday, we transitioned into the A Tale of Thousand Stars portion of this crossover, and the mood shifted to match. There’s been a lot of consternation about the episode, and whether it represents a weak outing from Aof and friends. I have decided that it doesn’t matter for me, because it mostly worked for me. I understood the intention of having these characters get lost in the woods repeatedly no matter who they were with. I’ll have more to say this weekend, I’m sure.

Not these two coming for my man Phupha’s back during their roleplay!

I’m glad Pat and Pran got to have a cute montage before they left.

We will finally be free of the Our Skyy 2 theme.

I like that Pran made a friend out of Tian on this trip. Pran has so few friends, and I’m glad he was able to make one on his own.

Pat, please never stop terrorizing Phupha.

Unsurprised that Tian broke first on the apology, but glad to see Phupha getting flirty.

You just knew he was going to sign. I’m not even worried about the conditions. He wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t force you to meet him where he is.

I really hope tourists don’t tarnish this waterfall.

It’s not time for Only Friends yet, so we can’t have someone fondling tiddies yet on GMMTV. Mark, Neo, and Book, you are to be our champions.

Ah, Oishii tea is here. We can relax now.

Okay, I’m having fun with flirty Phupha.

We’re finally acknowledging the mosquito net as foreplay!

Finally, we the people have received what we needed. I wanted them to kiss so badly the first time they were here, and I’m finally sated.

Tian is wearing the Nong Nao sleeping mask! This is not a drill!

They did the Bad Buddy score scene. Few things make me happier than seeing older gays learn something from their juniors. Good for Phupha to get flirty in the morning.

I don’t think I mind Phupha surprising Tian in Bangkok, since it’s always seemed like a long drive. I get Phupha wanting that time to collect himself and put on his best face.

“People here let their cameras eat first.” I hate this description, but he’s correct.

GAYS IN A PHOTOBOOTH! I’m just going to pass out now.

Yes, Tian. Please upgrade this man’s fit.

Phupha is being so brave about how nervous he is about new clothes and their costs.

I’m so glad we’re getting to play dress up with Phupha like he’s a Ken.

Oh, I’m crying a little bit. Asking that Pat and Pran portray them feels like the exact restriction Phupha would apply. He would want their story told by people who know them and who they can trust a bit. I think Pran definitely gets Phupha.

Mix has such an incredible way to shift his face slightly and be suddenly so smitten.

Ink and Pa are at the play!!

This play was cute. I loved this.

Not the reversal on the finger suck into a genuinely decent kiss once again interrupted by Pa!!

White cameo!! I hope he continues to pop up in BL for the next 60 years.

Phupha and his surprises. I’m okay with it for today, but I hope his next step is being more forthright.

I love that Tian’s parents led the conversation for Phupha. He needed their approval, but respects them too much to ask for it.

His errand was a ring for a proposal. I forgive him for everything.

“We finally have a thousand stars now.” Okay, gonna lie down and cry. I don’t know what it was, but something old in me just snapped.

I really like Mix and Earth as a pair. They play their dynamic differently with each couple. Tian and Jim kiss differently than Wen and Jim.

Yes, give us the same unhinged outro that Pat and Pran gave us in episode 12.

Final Verdict: 10, Highly Recommended (Primarily for Gay Reasons). I understand a lot of the complicated feelings everyone has about Pat and Pran, but I personally loved all of this. I respect Aof telling something mildly dissatisfying with Pat and Pran, because that is honestly at the core of their dynamic. They are constantly subject to outside influences that make it difficult for them to be happy the way they want to be, and that is most evident in Pran. I really liked them crossing over to meet Tian and Phupha, because we got to see both couples really face who they are.

Part of the big difference here is that we are still seeing Pat and Pran in the middle of their story, and Pran especially still has things he needs to sort. With Tian and Phupha, we’re seeing them after their show ended. We’re seeing them face themselves with the help of the Chaos Gays that showed up on their doorstep. As a result, everyone got to see themselves differently, and we the audience got some of what we needed from both shows.

For me, I just love that both of these couples are “in repair” and are trying to be present for each other. Like Uncles Cheep and Dej said, once the infatuation fades, it’s about trust and commitment. I like that we walked away from this with me feeling like that’s the goal for both of them.

Shoutouts to @shortpplfedup @lurkingshan, @ginnymoonbeam, @waitmyturtles, and @wen-kexing-apologist for talking through episode 3 yesterday. 

[pauking5]

Addicting Taste Chapter 7

Pairing: Enishi Yukishiro x reader oc

Genre: strangers to lovers, sunshine and sunshine protector, comedic relief, angst, slow burn, some fluff if you squint

Word count: 11.4k+

A/N: This chapter is probably the bane of my existence. All I'm going to say is that it's one of my favorites and I am so proud of it. I hope Enishi figures his feelings out sooner or later. Hope you like it. Enjoy lovelies, Paula.

Now Playing: run for the hills by Tate McRae

Previous Next

Anger, fear and pain.

That was all you could feel as you laid on the floor in front of your bed. They had a boxing match in your head, throwing different thoughts into the middle of the ring to see which one had the most impact and could come up on top to win.

The anger argued that you had every right to go back in the basement and rip the man's head off. To pull out his guts with your bare hands as he would watch in horror. But that was Barairo talking. That wasn't you. She yelled at you to let her out the minute you laid your hands on his collar to show him just as psychopathic you could get. You tried to keep her away as much as you could but the second your eyes laid on your mom's necklace around his neck you wanted to throw the door to her prison cell open wide and let her devour everything in her sight.

And you almost did. If it wasn't for Enishi's hand latching around your hand to ground you and bring back to earth. Your eyes found his, pleading for destruction only to get refused by a wary shake of his head. You suddenly felt self-conscious as you registered that all the eyes in the room were directed at you with a mix of confusion and pity, the feeling you hated the most in the world because that was the only thing present in people's eyes every time they looked at you. Whether it was begging for food on the street or fighting in the rings, it was always there, reminding you that you had no safe place to call yours in the world anymore. That everything you knew was gone and you only had yourself to blame.

The fear insisted that it was all because you couldn't do more to prevent any of this happening. Your parents disappearing. The massacre written in the walls of the place you called home. Not being able to finish the job when you had the chance at your feet. All because you were scared and weak. You couldn't fight for them just like you couldn't fight for yourself back there on the hill when Enishi had to step in and save you. Or back at the casino where you almost got injured fatally because you couldn't pay attention to the world around you.

You tried to put on your bravest front when you trained with him, masking all of that fear even when you felt insecure about your lack of skills. You tried your hardest in training, but whenever you went one step forwards, you would fall four steps behind when it came to the real thing. It was the fear that made you run away, trying to hide yourself away in hopes no one could find you. Even if it meant hiding yourself in the depths of your soul.

In the end, the pain was the only one that could win the fight. It was the only thing you felt as you laid on the cold wooden floors staring at the ceiling day and night, clasping your mother's necklace close to your chest. Time stopped for you in that basement. The hands on the clock ceased their ticking as you drowned the sound out with your cries or your fits of rage directed at things in the room. that would end up all over the floor. The jungle of thoughts in your head was making you lose yourself and the only thing keeping you from spiralling was the hope that you would hear something about your mom.

I need you, mom. I don't know what to do without you. Please come back to me. Please tell me what to do to find you.

You couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't train. You couldn't function at all. These thoughts seemed to be the only ones keeping you sane enough in the confines of your room.

The only times you did leave your room was to knock on Enishi's office door to ask if he had any new information about your mother, be it any small speck of a lead on her whereabouts, her state or if your father was alive too. But the answer was the same each time.

He won't talk.

Enishi hated the way you looked more broken each time you came by. He tried to get you out of your room. He would bring you food and leave it outside of your door at lunch only to find it still there by dinner. He tried to get you to train but you refused to even hear it. The light in your eyes dimmed the more you stayed locked in your room and he was running out of ideas to get the you he knew back.

He tried to make that son of a bitch talk but he just wouldn't budge, no matter what torture techniques he tried with him. He wanted to have something to give you whenever you came around to keep you with him longer but every time he tried changing the subject you would run away back to your room.

-----------

After two days of moping around in your room you finally decided to start training again. You needed to get better if you wanted to find your parents any time soon and strengthening your skills was the starting point.

Enishi saw your determination as you pulled him out of his office to train with you at random hours of the day or night. But he also saw that you were pushing yourself way too much. You wanted to get better but he wouldn't sit there and watch you hurt yourself like that willingly. So, whenever he refused training with you it was for the sake that you would take a break yourself. But you kept going. Whether it was raining or it was too cold to be outside you were there practicing with the sword until you got it right.

Last night it was raining heavily, the garden grounds turning to sloshy mud. But the storm inside of your heart was louder and more menacing than any rain mother nature could bring. Your clothes were soaked and stuck to you uncomfortably, hair wet like you just took a bath. With a solid grip on your sword you practiced thrusting until that one attack came out perfectly. You did it over and over, until the mud around you made it harder to continue.

-------

Waking up this morning was pure agony. You got a few hours of sleep from exhausting yourself enough to feel like you could fall asleep peacefully. It felt like the room was caving in on you and all you wanted to do was beg whatever force put you on this earth to take you back and leave you there if it meant that the throbbing in your body could stop, even for a little while. But you had to get up and go back to training because Enishi finally agreed to train with you again. It took a lot of convincing to get back to it together so you couldn't kick it away just because you didn't feel 100%.

The duvet around you was doing little to keep the warmth in as the room felt way too cold for your liking. You got out of bed with a groan, all of your muscles aching as you trudged to the bathroom with slow steps. Stopping in front of the mirror you took a look at yourself. If this was a zombie movie you would have gotten the lead role. The dark circles around your eyes looked like a raccoon's, a dark contrast to the paleness of your face. It scared you to look at yourself and the hollowness that consumed the light in your eyes.

You shook your head and turned on the tap, slapping some cold water on your face to make yourself look more alive. Your cheeks were weirdly warm under your cold palms but you brushed it off to be due to the sudden temperature change in the weather. With a bit of a struggle you managed to change out of your clothes and stepped outside of your messy room, making a mental note to clean it up after training.

You thought of stopping by the kitchen to put something in your system but you decided against it as you didn't really have an appetite. You drank some water but the liquid seemed to do more damage than aid your dry throat. Placing down the half drank glass of water in the sink you headed towards the garden. Opening the doors, you felt your lungs struggling to breathe in the chilly air.

Enishi was already there swinging around his sword to warm up. Sensing your presence behind him he turned around to you and scanned you quickly. He hasn't seen you in days and he could tell that something felt off about you today. Your shoulders were slumped over like you were in pain. Your eyes looked sunken in, worse than they were the last time he saw you. Not to mention that your normally rosy cheeks looked awfully pale for you to be anywhere near okay. Even your steps seemed slower. They weren't like your usual anxiety soaked steps whenever you came to train, but they were different. He wanted to ask you if you were doing okay but you beat him to it and changed the subject.

“Let’s-“ you started talking but your scratchy voice stopped you. Clearing your throat you tried that again trying to sound more convincing so you wouldn't raise any suspicions about your state.

“Let’s get this over with,” you said as you put on a fake smile. He took one more look at you and shook his head, moving to his place. He thought you would tell him if something was wrong but seeing as you were so hellbent on training he didn't prod any further.

He knew you practiced one move the most these days. A slash across the diagonal, good in any close combat. He wanted to see how you would use it against an opponent so you started sparring. He came at you slow at first to ease you back into training with another person. But the more you sparred he saw you were back to dodging his moves instead of attacking him. It confused him that you kept stepping back every time he came closer.

“You’re supposed to attack,” he said as a matter of fact.

“I know. I’m just trying to figure out a scheme of attack,” you lied.

You could barely keep yourself upright, legs feeling like lead every time you took a step. Dodging his hits took less energy than attacking him, but it still made you sweat more than you normally do during training. A fever was taking a hold of you and that was bad news. You didn’t know how much longer you could hide your predicament before he would take notice and bench you for an undetermined period and you didn't want that. But the sparring got to a point where it was way too intense, the cold air around you changing to an unbearable heatwave. Enishi continued to charge at you and you barely caught most of his hits. You felt like you were going to pass out if you didn't take a break.

One misplaced balance of your sword and Enishi was quick to notice something was wrong from the way you faltered when he swung from a closer distance. You took longer to lift the blade and tired out too easily when blocking his own. So he stepped back from you and put down his sword. You stopped and looked at him confused, hoping your body didn't give away too much about how shitty you were feeling. Straightening your back to look more stable than you felt inside at the moment, you tried to get your rapid breaths under control.

“Why are we stopping?” you panted.

Getting air in was a pain as less and less usable air travelled inside of your chest.

“You don’t feel well do you?” he asked, fixing you with his eyes in case you decided to lie to his face.

“I’m fine,” you said through gritted teeth. “I just want to get this move perfectly.”

He tilted his head at you looking for any signs you were lying and was surprised that he couldn't find any because it did seem like you were. He got pretty good at reading you in the month you already spent together and knew when to call it quits in annoying you or when you were overthinking. But right now it was hard to figure out what was going on in that head of yours. Your body looked ready to give out but your eyes were piercing through him telling him you were just too focused. He seemed to buy your doughnuts for now but he still looked a little worried.

“Are you sure you don’t want to take a break?”

“I’m sure.”

You looked too determined and he failed to see through that.

You resumed training, more forceful attacks coming your way. Enishi got too lost in thought to see that he was delivering blows a little too hard, like always. It was one of the things you liked about him the most: how focused he was on training. He would get really engrossed in it even if was just practice and usually you would be able to sense his attacks. But right now your senses were in overload.

You tried to hit back but the most you mustered was a slash that almost accidentally cut into his arm if it wasn't for his quick thinking to duck out of the way. He moved around you looking for your uncovered areas and you tried your hardest to spot him, breaths coming out heavier as you whirled around. Your swords clashed again and you almost had him when all of a sudden he went for a side cut from your left with his sword. You barely defended the hit by pushing your blade to catch his, the quickness of the move sending your vision spinning.

The exhaustion, the heat and the sweat clinging to your body overwhelmed you. You tried to push his sword once more before you leaned your weight on your sword for support, dark spots appearing in your clouded vision. You didn't even notice you were careening to the right until your blade screeched as it slid down the length of his all the way down to the hilt. Before you could hit the ground you heard the blades clang to the floor as strong arms secured around you to keep you upright. Your ears felt like they were stuffed with cotton unable to register that Enishi was frantically calling your name. A cold hand touching your cheek offered some relief from the warmth boiling your body. Your head fell on his shoulder and you looked up at him, eyes focusing enough to see the worry on his face. You could see his lips moving but none of the words made any sense until they finally made their way to your ears.

“I knew something was off,” he said looking down at you with a glint of guilt in his eyes.

“I’m fine,” you grunted regretting even speaking as it turned the mild headache you had into a drilling migraine. Your hand moved to hold your head as the pain only got worse.

"You're anything but fine right now."

The tone in his voice told you he was angry with you, probably for lying to his face that you were fine when you definitely weren't. And for continuing to train when he always told you that training without being in the mindset or the health for it was bad for you. But you refused to listen and look where that got you now.

"You're so fucking stubborn."

In a swift move, Enishi hooked one arm under your legs and secured the other around your back lifting you up to carry you back inside. He figured that staying outside in the cold would do you more worse than good. You wanted to protest but you didn't want to argue with him about your idiotic life choices right now, so you snuggled your head closer to the crook of his neck. that provided you some warmth as your body was now racked by chills. You felt like dozing off from the comfort of your temporary pillow until you felt the vibrations of his voice against your temple.

“Hey, stay awake. We’ve got to get your fever down a little before you sleep.”

You tried your hardest to keep your eyes open but the way he carried you lulled you to sleep and made you a little nauseous at the same time.

“Miyu, open your eyes,” he said sternly, picking up his pace.

“It makes me dizzy,” you croaked out annoyed at him.

“Then keep talking to me. Say anything, just don’t shut down just yet,” he asked you, concern too present in his voice for you not to notice it.

Why was he so worried? It wasn't like you would drop dead if you closed your eyes for a minute.

You tried to think of what to say that would be more than just rambling random words and you came empty-handed. That was until you looked up at him and you saw those crystal balls glistening in the dark hallway. His eyes.

“I like your eyes,” you said and he seemed to get a little taken aback by your confession as his steps slowed down.

Truthfully, it was something you didn’t want to tell him just yet. It was like your own little secret. You weren't one to fancy prolonged eye-contact with anyone or look people in the eye when they spoke. But you found yourself looking for his almost all the time. You admired the way they twinkled with every emotion he was feeling. Most of the time they blazed with anger at the world, consuming everything in their wake. But there were a few times where they twinkled with joy, whenever he talked about his sister or when he was spending time with you. There was something oddly comforting about them and they always put you at ease. Swallowing your pride for once you admitted to this secret out loud.

“What do you like about my eyes?” he asked, uncertainty behind his question.

If only you knew. I could write books and it still wouldn't be enough to describe what they make me feel.

“They’re dark and so full of pain. But they hold so much warmth in them. You don’t want to admit it but you’re not just a big bad mafia boss killing people for a living. You’re more than that, to me at least,” you said the last part in a mumble hoping he wouldn't hear it but he did, tensing slightly and halting his steps.

He looked down at your shivering form tucked safely in his arms. He had so much to say to you but he settled for a quick kiss on your burning forehead for the time being. It was the smallest peck, so soft you could have missed it if you didn't have your eyes open. It was his way of acknowledging the things you said and that you will talk more about it when it was time. But for now taking care of you was a priority.

In your dazed state you noticed he went past your room and he saw the confusion on your face.

"You're staying in my room for a while so I can make sure you're going to get better," he said as he pushed the doors to his room open, the warmth of his room surrounding your body. You whined in protest when he headed for the bathroom knowing exactly what he was thinking. You felt anything but ready for a shower right now.

He stepped inside and placed you on the floor an arm still around you in case you slid down to the floor. He turned on the water and let it get warm as he turned his attention back to you. You were gripping his tank top in a frenzy trying to hold yourself up against the bouts of nausea. He kept a hand around you to let you know he wasn't going anywhere and that you were safe in case anything happened.

"I know you don't want to take one right now," he said as he moved some hair away from your face. "But if you sleep this sweaty, you're just going to get worse."

You shook your head in his chest childishly but you knew there was no way to get out of it now. He wouldn't leave it alone until he saw you healthy enough to annoy again and you just had to accept his perusing.

"Just hold onto me and I'll do the rest, okay?"

Giving in to his pleas as he rubbed your back comfortingly, you nodded weakly. You hated how easily he got under your skin and knew everything that made you click in such a short time. Back rubbing was one of the things you loved and he always did it when he needed you to accept something that was for your own good.

He helped you undress discarding your sweat clad clothes to the floor. Once he took his own off too he helped you step into the shower. The warm water hit your body and the comfort made your knees weak. You remembered you haven't had a shower since your last one that was with him too, after your bathtub adventure before the mission. He still didn't replace the broken water tap and you had a feeling it was because he wanted you to shower in his room willingly without him whisking you away for other adventures. It was sneaky but you gave him credit for it being a smooth move to get closer to you.

He stepped in with you and checked to see if you were okay or ready to drop still.

"Let me know if it gets too much and I'll get you to bed, okay?"

You nodded and wrapped your arms around his torso with the little energy you had left. Your head laid flat to his chest where you could hear his heartbeat that seemed to be accelerating beyond a normal speed. He must have been panicking a little and you felt bad for putting him through all this trouble. You wanted to push him away and tell him to let you deal with the mess you caused yourself. He didn't need to take care of you like this, especially after you shut him out. You didn't think of his feelings at all and it made you feel even more guilty than you already did for everything else going wrong in your life.

But there he was, holding you close to him so gentle like you were made out of glass. He washed your hair, massaging your scalp softly to get rid of all the dirt that gathered there from your days spent training outside. It felt like he got rid of some of the dirt in your soul too. As cold as he was, he was the also the warmth you needed. You knew he cared even if he didn't show it a lot.

He tried to hurry, moving to wash the rest of your body as you looked ready to lay down on the floor of the shower cabin and just sleep there like it was a premium bed. He kept asking you things to keep you awake and talking even if all he received from you was a blabbering mess of mumbles.

Once you were cleaner than you have been before in your life, he turned off the water and wrapped you in a bathrobe. Leading you to the counter near the sink, he placed you on top of it while he dashed to his room to bring you some clothes. The warmth of the shower water was replaced by the cold marble surface that made your shivers return even worse than before, coming with a new wave of nausea. He started dressing you and you put your head on his shoulder, managing to only pull a blouse on you before he noticed the way you gripped his own that he threw on harshly before he came to you.

"What's wrong?"

You had your eyes shut tight trying to swallow whatever tried crawling up your sore throat.

"Miyu, look at me."

"I feel like I'm going to throw up-" you didn't even get to finish as the bile rose in your throat. You hopped off the counter and leaned over the toilet bowl emptying whatever your stomach gathered up. Enishi knelt down beside you a hand grabbing the hair out of your face while the other rubbed your back.

"What are you even throwing up? You haven't eaten anything in the past few days."

"My hopes and dreams."

He would have laughed at that if it wasn't for your head hanging above the toilet bowl. It amazed him how you still tried to ease the seriousness of the situation in your state.

When you were done you wiped your mouth on a spare towel and threw it in the corner, falling back into his chest. The shivers intensified as your whole body was now consumed by cold from all sides, the only source of warmth being the man beside you. He pulled you up from the floor, careful not to make you more woozy and took you to bed.

He placed you down on the mattress and tried to dry a bit of your hair and then let you lay down. You grabbed one of the blankets he put on the bed, wrapping your body like a burrito, while he covered you with the duvet. He had more blankets prepared in case you needed them and you made a mental note to thank him for the extra thought. The extra thoughts coming from him lately warmed you up inside because they were like little notes telling you he was there and ready to help with anything and you couldn't tell where all this care was coming from in the first place.

He got in bed next to you sitting against the headboard and you cuddled into his side, seeking his warmth. Your body couldn't produce enough heat even after the hottest shower you ever took and the fact that you were wrapped tightly in bundles. He shifted closer to you and carded a hand through your hair, which soothed your migraine.

"Do you need me to get you anything?"

You shook your head and grabbed onto his other hand pulling it on top of your stomach. He laced his fingers with yours. All you wanted was to have him next to you right now.

"I just need you here."

The last few days were hell to bear alone and it took ruining your health to notice that accepting help wasn't all that bad. Enishi was ready to help you no matter what you needed and you didn't know how to thank him. The way he cared for you was something akin to the care your parents gave you. As scary as it was to let yourself feel it you couldn't help but welcome it. Maybe a part of your chills didn't come from the cold but from the way he was acting towards you.

Emotions swirled around your head and everything suddenly felt too overwhelming. The muscles aching, the migraine, the pain that was numb for now but promised to return soon. You tried to hold the tears at bay but you couldn't. So you let them out unable to keep things bottled in anymore.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked as he cupped your face.

You tried to say something but all that came out was air through choked sobs.

"Miyu, what hurts? Talk to me."

"Everything," you cried out as you hid your face in his side.

You wanted to tell him every thing that hurt from the biggest to the smallest thing but you couldn't do more than tighten your grip around him. He moved to hug you, pulling you on top of his chest.

"I'm here. I've got you now," he whispered as he rubbed your back. "You're going to be okay."

--------

His heart stopped when he saw your eyes roll to the back of your head back there. He tried to keep the worry away but he couldn't help panicking a little when the familiarity of the scene hit him way too hard. A fraction of a vivid memory took him back to the day he lost his sister, a day he couldn't forget no matter how hard he tried.

The snow blanket that was forming around the woods made him smile. It wasn't long until he got back to the house and he could play in the snow with Tomoe. The recent times he went over to her place ended up in arguments and unwanted words thrown at each other all because he didn't want to accept that man for her. He was walking trouble in his eyes and Tomoe could yell at him all she wanted but it wouldn't change the disdain he felt for him. He hoped they could make up this time around and just forget about everything else.

Last time it snowed this much they made the biggest snowman. They placed him in front of the house and called him the guardian, decorating his face in an angry manner. His mouth was an intimidating sneer made from a few stones that matched the small twig eyebrows above his eyes. Tomoe forgot to pick up carrots but she used a sweet potato for his nose. It looked absolutely horrendous but it was their source of entertainment until the cold winter passed and the snowman melted with the coming of spring.

He went into town and picked up more sweet potatoes so she could boil some too. He almost made it to the house but stopped once he heard grunts nearby, followed by his sister's voice so he followed the sound, pushing away frozen tree branches until he reached the scene. His heart stopped at the sight.

Tomoe was holding tightly onto a man to protect him from the man he called trouble. The one she fell for, pushing her only family in the process. He slashed his sword across her back without a glint of regret in his eyes, crimson blood staining the white snow as she fell to the floor. He had the audacity to cradle her close to his body as he watched the light drain from her eyes.

He wanted to run to her and be the one holding her instead. He deserved to be the last one she saw before her eyes were consumed by darkness. But the fear kept him glued to the tree a few feet away, unable to move or do anything else but cry and blame himself that he couldn't do more.

He hoped he would never experience that feeling again but here he was, cradling you to his body like the world tried its hardest to take you away. Your cold scared him not because you looked the worst he'd ever seen you but because of how much pain you went through to get you in this state. He wasn't a fool. He knew this was the result of you closing yourself away from him and everyone else to process everything. You were living his worst nightmares all on your own and it made him want to burn the world. He knew he couldn't take your pain away and feel it for you even if he wished to.

He wanted you to talk to him. Tell him everything that hurt and ask him to fix it for you. Tell him that you needed him to hold the sky off your shoulders for a minute and he would hold it for as long as he could. But he couldn't push you. He knew better that help was best when it was accepted rather than forced. He just hoped you would ask for it and lean on him like you let him lean on you that rainy night in the garden. If you didn't find him in time he might have lost it completely and there would be no coming back from that.

He checked your temperature hourly, hand laid across your forehead hopeful that you would get better. Whenever it went up you would toss and turn around in your sleep, waking up abruptly to search for him in the dark. He tried to reassure you that everything was okay and that you had nothing to worry about as he went back to being your human pillow. Every time it happened you found his hand and held it close to your chest in a death grip until your hold would loosen telling him you fell back asleep.

The day turned into night and he didn't move an inch from his spot beside you. He just wanted to watch over you and keep you safe and warm, occasionally dozing off with you in his arms.

-------

You woke up to the smell of food. Sighing contently you opened your eyes and sat up slowly just as Enishi entered the room, a bowl and a mug of tea balanced carefully in his hold. He smiled seeing you awake.

"How did you sleep?" he asked as he placed everything on the nightstand to sit next to you.

"A little better. Is that for me?"

"Yes. It's porridge and some tea."

Porridge was the bane of your existence. As much as you knew it was what your body needed to get better you hated it with a burning passion. Your mother made it whenever you got sick and you always tried to convince the maids into eating it for you on the promise that you will stop being a trouble for them for at most a month. But they would always rat you out to your parents and you would get scolded for it.

"I want real food," you mumbled disappointedly. You puffed your cheeks and made puppy eyes at him to let you off this time but by the stern look on his face he wasn't buying your doughnuts anymore.

"You're getting real food when we're sure you can keep it down. For now it's this," he placed the bowl in your hands and waited for you to try it.

You took a spoonful and put it in your mouth only to grimace at the taste. This was anything but porridge.

"What the hell is this?"

"Hey, now. I know I'm not the greatest cook but you have to eat that whole bowl if you want real food."

He knew he botched the recipe but as bad as it tasted you needed the nutrients. You didn't eat anything in days and giving you a whole meal wasn't a good choice. He really didn't want to watch a rerun of your hopes and dreams spilling out through your guts again.

You sighed and ate a few more spoons until your stomach said it was enough and you handed him the bowl. He gave you the tea and you took a sip smiling at the taste as it was your favorite. At least he knew how to sweeten you. You placed it back on the nightstand and leaned back in bed.

"I have some stuff to work on in my office. If you need anything please call me. As big or small as it may seem."

He was coddling way you too much and it wasn't in his nature. You felt bad for keeping him away from his work. But he reassured you time and time again that it was okay to lean on him. Even if what went through your head wasn't a big deal. It came from a place of understanding and as much as he tried to hide it you could tell he went through the same thing.

You tried sleeping but every position you changed to seemed more uncomfortable than the previous. Each time you did fall asleep the thoughts that left you in pain for days on end would creep back into your mind and you would wake up looking for him. Deciding that enough was enough you decided to pay him a visit. Wrapping one of his chunkier kimonos around you, you stepped out of the comfort of the bed and went to his office. He sighed when he saw you come in like a lost puppy looking for its owner.

"You're supposed to be in bed."

"I was getting bored in there," you said as you walked to his couch and plopped yourself on it getting comfortable.

"Well, you're not going to find much fun here either."

You didn't really need any entertainment. You just didn't want to be alone and if you just sat there with him whilst he worked it was enough for you.

After a while, you dozed off on the couch to the sound of him scribbling away on paper. He heard your light snores and looked up from his maps to see you fast asleep, head nuzzled into the plush of the couch backrest with your knees pulled up to your chest. He smiled and shook his head at you walking to to your spot, He only now noticed that you were wrapped tightly in his kimono. It was a dark blue one he really liked because it was comfortable to wear. He thought you suited warmer colours until now when he saw you in blue. The material was big enough to be a blanket on your small form, falling over you so effortlessly. As if his aura rubbed off on you in a way that welcomed it rather than pushing it away like the other people he tried getting close to before. He knelt beside the couch and pulled it up to cover your exposed shoulder.

"You're so stubborn," he whispered.

He slid his arms behind your back and your legs and lifted you up to take you back to the warmth of his bed.

--------

The days passed by in a blur. You spent most of the time sleeping or annoying Enishi because he wouldn't let you do anything else. He benched you from cooking or training and it drove you insane.

It took about a week until he let you train again in a way that wasn't straining for you. Little by little you got your strength back and it showed in your sparring sessions. You could handle yourself better and it was all thanks to him and his incessant nagging telling you to rest and take it easy. As annoying as it was you had to accept his way of nursing you back to health.

You had a lot of time to think about everything, thoughts ranging from finding your mother to figuring out Enishi. His presence affected you in a multitude of ways lately. You contemplated his actions, his touches, his words. Every gesture he made towards you that you couldn't understand the reason of. It went beyond the sex drive you felt mutually and the thoughtless words said in the act.

It all started the night of the casino mission. You tried shaking off his words, convincing yourself it was just the lust talking for him and that it was the same in your case. But when you told him 'I need you' you said it with your whole being. And it seemed to change everything.

You started questioning if he felt the same things you did. If the hands carding through your hair or the late night conversations in the dark meant anything to him, because they meant everything to you. If they did, he was making a great job at hiding that because you spent the whole week analysing every single thing that happened to the both of you until you wanted to literally take a bite out of the wall.

As blind to the obvious as you were sometimes, you thought you could pinpoint where his feelings stood, but you often got side-tracked by the butterflies forming in your stomach while you watched him cook for you or tell you new facts about the swords you were training with. He did everything to turn you away from thinking too much and it felt like an avoidance tactic. You needed to talk about a lot of things sooner or later and you hoped it would be the first.

The next mission was nearing up and you shoved all of these thoughts under the rug for the time being. You needed to focus because it involved your mother. The man in the basement finally chirped after going days without basic necessities like food and sunlight. He gave Enishi a lead on your mother's whereabouts, restoring a little hope in your broken soul.

She was apparently working as a maid for a mafia he had ties with. They were throwing a ball to celebrate the birthday of their leader and she was going to be there. You took the information with a grain of salt because it seemed like it was too good to be true. You thought of the possibility that he just tried to lead you further away from finding her. But Enishi made everyone dig around and they found that the ball was truthfully being held tonight.

Enishi told you to stay put, insisting that it was only him who would go with the rest of the gang. You tried to convince him to let you come but he refused to hear it. So, like any kid getting told not to do something, you went and did the exact opposite, just getting dressed to kill.

You finished strapping your pistols to your thighs under the dress and looked in the mirror, smiling softly at the person starring back at you. She was so different from the person who came here a little over a month ago. She was so scared of herself, unable to let go of her past. But now she looked so confident in her own skin and so much more powerful. She was so much healthier too and back to herself that it made you proud. You blew a kiss to yourself in the mirror and winked at how pretty you looked. Confidence looked hella good on you.

Enishi told you about the mission a few days ago and you thought of every possible way to not let him leave in that carriage without you. It took a little prodding and the promise of a month full of desserts for the whole gang but you managed to coax Wu into keeping Enishi here as long as you needed to get ready.

Enishi was pacing around, mid-argument with his second in command as to why he wasn't moving the carriages. Wu just shook his head and kept his mouth sealed shut as part of your deal. Enishi stopped yelling once he heard the click of an all too familiar pair of heels and cursed himself for being so blind. He should have seen it coming from the way you gave in so easily and stopped trying to convince him to let you come.

Turning around to scold you his breath got stuck in his throat. You looked breathtaking. Your hair was down to the side, locks falling in wavy curls over your shoulders. You were wearing the red qipao dress he bought for you at the market even if you hated his guts for buying it for you. But the dress seemed to have some major adjustments that altered it a lot from the original.

The constricting part at the top was turned into an off-the-shoulder neckline and the small slit on the side run up higher almost to your hip. The bottom was full of flares from the same material in a darker burgundy. The sleeves were now made into gloves that ran all the way up to your elbows, fabric at the end looking like scraps from the corset you wore the night of the casino mission. Your mother's necklace sat around your neck, red stone bringing out your eyes.

"Close your mouth, dearest. A fly might fly in."

You were satisfied by his reaction that if fuelled your confidence beyond the normal levels.

"Is that what I think it is? Miyu?"

You followed his eyes and noticed he was staring at the very familiar golden material running around the bottom that you used to amplify the dragon embellished on the slit by adding a few pieces of material to the red flares.

"You said I could borrow anything from your closet," you scoffed.

"I said borrow, not cut up to pieces."

"Oh, come on. It looks less like a wedding dress now, doesn't it?"

You batted your eyelashes at him and he huffed an annoyed sigh. Letting Wu help you into the carriage you got comfortable and smiled back at him. You knew you were in deep shit for countless reasons, but the biggest being that you cut up the really expensive golden kimono in his wardrobe. It was gathering dust in there anyways. At least you put it to good use.

"Shall we go?"

As angry as he was at you he was glad to see that mischief smile back on your face. He was going to let you off. For now.

"You will be the death of me one day, Miyu Hikari," he grunted before he sauntered in the carriage next to you.

He let his eyes linger on you for a few more moments. He couldn't help but admire the alterations to the dress and how skillfully they were done. It was clear as daylight you were a Hikari. You had craftsmanship running in your blood as much as you didn't want to admit it.

"When did you even modify the dress?"

"I think you forgot that you had me on house arrest for like a week," you said playing with one of the ruffles on your dress.

"It wasn't house arrest."

"It was."

"It wasn't."

"Twas," you sung.

"Twasn't," he followed suit.

The both of you erupted into a fit of giggles. It was your turn to let your eyes wander over his outfit, unable to get enough of it from just one look.

"You know, you don't look too bad yourself."

"I let Wu style me. Don't know if that was a mistake or not considering he wears furs like he's the madame of the house."

"He did a good job."

Wu had an eye for fashion and you had to give him that because when you stepped out of the mansion you thought you were hallucinating. You only saw a broad back clad in what looked like a western suit. You recalled him saying he would never be caught dead in something like that. Thank god you didn't miss the show.

The wind was knocked out of you when he turned around and you got a full view of the outfit. He wore a full tailored black suit. The vest sat on top of a white shirt, hugging his body like it was made on order. It was the sluttiest thing a man could wear. A silver chain ran from the vest to the blazer, matching the silver earring in his ear. Thoughts that weren't exactly pristine passed through your mind and it took a huge amount of rationality to not act them out.

The thing that shocked you the most was that he wore a fucking tie. You knew he hated that tie by the way he fidgeted with it to loosen it around his neck. He most likely contemplated arson from the way he looked at Wu. But he definitely looked the mafia boss part now and it made your knees weak.

"Why didn't you stay back like I told you?"

"I think it's fair to say you already know I don't listen to orders. And this is about my mom," you fidgeted with the piece of fabric in your hand. "I've spent so many years searching for any trace of them and I can't just sit back when we might know where at least one of my parents is."

He put his hand over yours and pulled it to his leg, rubbing comforting circles on your knuckles to ease your nervousness. He was doing it again. Getting you out of your mind to focus back to the present.

"I know. I just didn't want you to come in case it was a false lead."

"Even if it is we will check it out together."

The carriage came to a halt. You heard excited chatter and music which meant you arrived at the venue for the ball.

"You ready?"

"Always."

-----------

The place was nothing like you've ever seen before. You've seen mansions that looked like castles before, when you used to work the paid assassin gig for the rich and powerful, but none of them came close to this one. The sculpted fountains outside should have been enough of a giveaway that this place was scalded in gold and money that was murdered and stolen for. No human being should be able to have this much wealth especially when it wasn't theirs to keep.

The event was on an invitation basis and you were surprised to see Enishi pull out one with your names on it handing it to the men standing guard at the doors. Once they gave you the okay they opened the doors to let you in and closed them back up. You walked in and realised you were on the first floor of the building. Walking further away from the horde of people around the entrance, you scouted the place. The architecture was really European, column walls lined on every side supporting the building. The artwork on the walls was the same, the running theme of naked people painted angelically to depict romance sneering at you, as if to say you didn't deserve romance too.

You sighed leaning over the stone railing as you scouted out the place. You had a perfect view of the ballroom and all the guests that pooled downstairs. Most of them were couples of all ages, dressed elegantly in such a way that flaunted their wealth. The men smoked expensive cigars while their women had their necks decorated in rubies of all shapes and colours. You couldn't lie that you felt a little out of place.

The minute you walked in with Enishi on your arm chatter ceased and all eyes were on you, well mostly the female ones seeking something to gossip about. They started picking apart your hairstyle, your dress, your face. The fact that the man at your side chose you as a plus one instead of one of them. They called him 'too handsome to be real' while fanning their faces and you would have agreed if it wasn't for the intense urge to poke your tongue out at them. But you had to behave like a lady, so you settled for throwing daggers with your eyes their way.

You didn't know why you suddenly felt so protective of the man at your right. The group eventually scurried off, possibly terrified of your facial expressions, and it was weird that the satisfaction you felt was good enough of a reason to justify your actions. Enishi saw the exchange and struggled to keep his laughter in.

"I suggest you to keep your claws hidden tonight."

You turned to face him, eyes narrowing onto his. What was that supposed to mean?

"Are you suggesting I'm jealous or something?"

"Maybe."

"Last time I checked we weren't a couple or anything," you said wrapping your arms around your chest.

He looked around before he pushed you to a wall behind you, hands firmly gripping yours. Playfulness and seriousness were dancing around in his eyes and you couldn't tell which one peered more into your eyes right now. He stood so close to you that you forgot how to breathe. His eyes darted between your own and your lips, leaning closer to your face. Stopping just a few inches off your lips you felt your patience running thin. All you wanted to do was close the distance between you. He closed his eyes and blew a breath that hit your lips.

"Don't fall for me, Miyu," he whispered loud enough for only you to hear.

I think it's a little too late for that.

You had enough of getting teased so you made a move for his lips. Your lips barely brushed his before he pulled away from you, signature smirk on his face.

"We're on enemy territory so keep an eye out."

With that he turned around and walked off, leaving you there nothing short of confused. You released a breath and leaned on the wall for support, the ghost of his touch still lingering on your arms.

He was back to leading you on and you couldn't tell if it was just an act this time or it was what he actually felt for you. He was cold again but this time it seemed different, like he was forcing it. The minute you both stepped out of the house he would turn into this other person that liked taunting you.

You slept together for so many times and it still seemed to be no strings attached for him. But it made you crave more than that. You couldn't deny that your feelings for him were real but you couldn't tell if they were strong enough to push for them when you knew deep down that this back and forth will never be something more than that. And that kinda felt like an arrow was shot straight through your heart.

Every time you kissed him ran through your mind. You wanted to find at least one that you could hang onto that was sincere. But most of them were fuelled by anger and hunger. You never kissed each other with real feelings and you felt like a fool for thinking it could ever be more than back and forth with him.

You shook the thoughts form your head and walked to catch up to him. If it was up to you you would've left after that stunt he pulled. But you were here for your mom first and foremost. These mind games could wait.

Making your way downstairs into the main room where everyone gathered you looked around for him but he was nowhere in sight, figuring you lost him in the big crowd.

Great. What am I supposed to do now?

The band started playing a slow song and you recognised it to be the one of the tunes for the Viennese waltz. A small smile cracked on your lips at the memory of your father teaching it to you. He would place you on his tiptoes and swing you around the living room while your mother sat and clapped for you as your audience. They taught you all kinds of dances to help you fit in easier with the higher status people.

Didn't think the mafia rolled with this much finesse.

The dancefloor cleared as everyone split into pairs and you found yourself alone in the middle. As much as you would have loved to dance you didn't feel like it. You were about to walk off until an arm pulled you back, making you collide with a sturdy chest. The familiar jasmine smell was enough to make you grunt in annoyance as you turned to the man before you. He held your hand as he stepped away to do a curtsy, moving your other hand to sit on his shoulders as he gripped the other one. You tried prying your hands off but the hold he had on you was way too firm. He wouldn't let you go unless he wanted to and he seemed hellbent on doing so.

"Let me go," you gritted out. A few pairs looked at you struggling and you both flashed your fake smiles telling them kindly to fuck off.

"The music already started so let's just do this."

"I don't want to do anything with you."

You looked away from him getting into your position as you started leading him, stepping forward with your left foot. He tried to take the lead away from you but you were better at this than he was, getting your uncoordinated waltz in rhythm with the music. The weight you stepped with from side to side didn't go unnoticed. He could feel the tension coursing through you just from holding your waist.

"Why are you suddenly mad at me?"

"Because.."

Because you almost kissed me. Because the way you touch me makes me want to run for the hills. Because you're a coward and can't admit to your feelings. Because I hate you.

"Because what?"

You separated to do a spin and came back to him. His hands landed a little lighter on your waist this time around.

"I don't know I just am."

The dancing pairs around you faded to a blur as your bodies got closer and you spun together to the music, swaying left and right. The fact that he knew how to dance the waltz amazed you a little. He seemed to have a lot of tricks hidden up his sleeve.

There was no denying he liked the female attention. Even while he danced so close to you you could feel the lonely girls by the side of the dancefloor staring holes through the back of your head. You knew exactly how they felt because you couldn't help but swoon at his charms too. That was until you got too annoyed by his staring.

"Can you stop looking at my boobs?"

"It's not my fault they are up in my face."

"Jesus Christ."

Parting away from each other again, you lifted your palms to sit against each other. Your warm fingertips met his cold ones again as you circled each other. It took every ounce of self control in your being not to intertwine your fingers together. You were mad at how quickly you went from hating to appreciating him.

You went for the final waltz section of the dance and prayed for the music to end faster. He took the lead this time and you followed suit.

He kept his eyes on you the whole time trying to figure out what you were thinking in that little head of yours. The tension between you was suffocating. You were back to the normal push and pull, getting too close to keep his hands off of you, but too far to actually touch you. He didn't want to push you away or play pretend but he didn't know what else to do to keep his urges away. Staying away from you was better than being this close to you and not knowing what to do or say.

Getting too lost in his own thoughts he took a wrong step that made you lose your footing. You thought you were going to kiss the floor if it wasn't for his hands catching you. You were bent backwards with one of your hands fisted in the collar of his blazer. One of his arms wrapped around your torso and the other sat at the back of your neck supporting your head. Maybe it was the thrill of danger from all the eyes looking at you that you felt like you couldn't take your eyes off of his. He seemed so close yet so far, easy but so hard to get through.

The music ended and you stepped away from him thanking all gods for the late but welcome help. You needed a drink if you wanted to get through the night so you headed to the bar leaving him on the dancefloor.

---------------

You were on your fourth vodka cocktail when he joined you at the bar. You cursed your high tolerance to alcohol wishing to be tipsier than you felt so you could deal with him in a way that your conscience wouldn't scold you for.

"You should slow down on those."

"I can do whatever the fuck I want."

He didn't know where this attitude came from. He was a little annoyed by it but he brushed it off to be just one of your mood swings.

"Okay, so, what's holding us back from going in?"

"There's about ten armed guards on every floor."

"If that's a problem I think you're forgetting we took down a whole gang in that casino using our wits and wooden chairs."

"The problem is that once they see us coming they will sound the alarm to everyone else and we will be fucked. There's five mafias present and the last thing I want is a gang war."

"That's what you said last time and the Daos kinda went extinct the minute we got involved."

You had a point. But it was still too dangerous to go in through the front. He studied the map of the place countless times and knew there was a hidden staircase with access to all levels. It was typically the maids who had access to it. He looked around and spotted one at the far corner with a tray of finger foods in her hands.

"I will be right back. Behave yourself."

You would've smacked him if it wasn't for the crowd around you. Following him with your eyes through the sea of people you saw him approach a maid. What was he gonna do with a maid?

Your question was answered when you saw him plaster that playboy smirk on his face, leaning down to whisper in her ear. She giggled at whatever he told her and you gripped your glass tightly. The scene made your jaw clench even if you had no reason to feel like that.

Keep it together. We are not a couple. This is all just for show.

After more flirting, he came back and you threw the last contents in your glass down your throat. He dangled a set of keys in front of you and you looked at him confused.

"The maids have access to a hidden staircase at the back of the mansion. It leads to all levels including the top one where she said the rest of the maids are gathered up."

"Those open the doors to this secret magical staircase?"

"Yes."

Maybe you went a little too far with your sarcasm but it was the only way you could keep yourself from snapping at him. He only shook his head at you and lead the way.

You circled the entire mansion through the garden at the back. Whenever people passed by you, Enishi would hold your hand and smile to make it believable that you looked like a couple and that you weren't doing anything you shouldn't be doing. You played along leaning closer to him and smacking his chest as you laughed. It disgusted you, playing pretend like this when you wanted it to be real.

Once you were out of sight you looked for the staircase. You found it under a deep layer of wild vine and unlocked the doors, locking them after you entered. A few lanterns lined up the wall all the way to the top but it was still too dark to see anything. You went up first, lifting your dress up so you wouldn't step on it. The long ruffles covered the front part and you couldn't see where you were stepping. You got halfway up the stairs and placed your foot wrong on a step, stumbling backwards colliding with Enishi's chest for the second time tonight. One of his hands wrapped securely around your waist while the other gripped the railing.

"You should be more careful," he said breathlessly.

"I am-" you started but were cut off by the sound of guards patrolling at the top of the stairs.

Suddenly, you were pressed against the inner wall of the staircase, his body impossibly close to yours. The proximity made your heartbeat accelerated and you shut your eyes to take a few breaths in. The way his head dipped down to your neck gave you a thrilling sense of deja vu, reminding you of the night you hid in an alley from guards patrolling the city. You couldn't deny the attraction between you back then but you looked for every reason to do it now. Your hand laid on his chest and you could feel his rapid heartbeat under your finger tips. You opened your eyes and tilted your head at him.

If your body says it wants me why does your mind keep pushing me away?

His eyes turned from the top of the staircase to you laying on your lips again. He's gone too long without your taste and it was driving him crazy. All he wanted to do was kiss them sweetly until he drew blood. He thought just one taste would quench his thirst so he leaned down to you again. But this time, you didn't let him play with you.

The coast cleared and you pushed him away, making your way towards the top. You beckoned him over and checked the hallway to see it empty. He huffed and made his way to you.

"You take the ones on the left," he said.

"I'll take the ones on the right," you said at the same time.

You couldn't come to terms with anything and it pushed your buttons greatly. Shaking your head, you moved to the ones on the right without saying anything else. Wasting time you didn't have wasn't on your list right now. You needed to find your mom ASAP unless you wanted to piss off some blood-thirsty mafias by snooping around their palace.

Opening door after door you found either a guest room fixed up by a few maids or a storage space where they put cleaning supplies away. The next one you opened was a bathroom occupied by a couple who appeared to be making out or having a contest on who could eat the other's face off first. You couldn't really tell. They stopped their smooching to look at you startled.

"My bad. Uh... enjoy yourselves. Use protection," you yelled and closed the door leaning on it in embarrassment.

Enishi just closed the last door on his side and you looked at him hopeful only to have your hopes crushed when he shook his head.

"Only young maids on this side. What about you?"

"Loads of maids and I think I just cockblocked a couple."

He started laughing and you clamped a hand on his mouth reminding him no one needed to know you were there. You turned your attention back to the hallway. There was one last door to check on your side and you prayed to all gods she would be in there.

You moved to the door placing a shaky hand on the golden doorknob and you froze. You had no way of knowing if she was going to be behind that door or if something else would wait for you. You hoped you didn't come this far for nothing because if you did it would break you. Conscious of time ticking away, you drew in a shaky breath and tried to push through your hesitation and move your hand to open the door. But you couldn't open it.

Enishi saw you struggling. He knew how badly you wanted her to be inside that room. If she wasn't in there you were going to blame yourself for it even if it wasn't your fault. This was exactly why he didn't want you to come in the first place. He knew if there was nothing behind that door that it would break you. You hung with your teeth onto the little hope that the information you got from that asshole was true and he wished it was too.

He placed his hand on top of yours in reassurance and you looked at him. He was back to being his serious self, the Enishi who promised you he would help you get your parents back no matter what. With a deep breath, you both turned the doorknob and pushed the door open. Your breath got stuck in your throat at the sight before you.

"Miyu?"

No fucking way.

---------------------------------------------------------

Next

Thank you for reading! As always, likes, comments and reblogs are welcome :)

[stunie]

Aahh I hope I didn't miss your matchups!!

So a bit about me: I'm pretty extroverted!! But tbh my extrovertedness usually gets increased when I'm with friends! I love love love dressing up all cute and pink, also absolutely adore kitties and binge watching shows/anime ((love me anything that has like a million episodes!)) Outfit coordinating is such a hobby too!! Like I get all giddy just thinking abt mix n matching clothing 🤧 jewelry is a must with my fits.. the coordinating saga continues.. I'm kind of a night owl && I love binge watching at midnight 🤭 my fav genres are definitely psychological thrillers/ psychological horrors.. I always force myself to watch those creepy anime/movies, just to end up awake in bed trying to figure out whether that jacket of mine really is a jacket or a silhouette of something 😭

anyway one thing I hate, like absolutely detest are insects... like wdym it has 1000 legs and can fly????

(Aahh I'm really excited to see who you match me up with!!) ♡

HI ANON you are the cutest human alive i wanna come hug you right now actually. if you have thriller / horror recs you should stop by my inbox again btw !!! <3 ANYWAYS. IM THINKING.

the pink . couple . he’s pink and you’re dressed in pink and anytime the two of you go out with friends, they use you two to regroup. “meet up in 30 minutes?” “where?” “wherever those two are.” HSJSND THAT WOULD BE SO CUTE HELLO. i think he would be great at helping you coordinate …. whether it’s just a little suggestion / idea -> “oh. this would look good with the ___, don’t you think?” OR he’s actually buying you something “wanna see what i found on my way home? i thought of you right away.~” AAAA 🥺🥺 and he’s so gentle with you when you’re a little on edge from the thrillers lol, gentle rubs to calm your nerves and his voice is so soothing ….

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

We’ve never made (& never planned to make) a pinned post of frequently asked questions (FAQs) or important info but...here we are. After an influx of new people, I think it might be time to make a proper introductory post.

Heads up that this will be long because I don’t want multiple parts. I’ll drop a read-more line after the basic info so you can choose whether to read the rest.

~~

¡Hi! We are the Void Galaxy (that’s a D.I.D. system name). We are a traumagenic system with D.I.D. Welcome to our blog.

We’ll start with basics, go over a lil history, & then have terms, tags, side blogs, rules, & FAQs (in that order).

So here is a masterpost for all of the info that y’all may need on our page.

Note that I’ll elaborate on in rules/boundaries: We don’t mind “spamming” likes & reblogs. It’s completely okay to do so on this blog or our side blogs 💜.

~Nico

~~~

Basics:

Profile Picture (PFP): ¡We didn’t make the art in our PFP! We got it from @nightcatssketchbook 💜

Body’s age: 24 years

Pronouns: he/they collectively, but headmates vary & we’ll attempt to remember to include pronouns with names when someone new posts.

We’re also all for being thrown a curveball (unexpected) pronoun, as long as it’s not she/her (very much doesn’t fit us) or it/its (doesn’t fit us). We may not like every one people use, but as long as it’s used in good faith, we probably won’t mind. Unless it’s a headmate who requests otherwise, or it’s Serenity (who uses they/she, making her the only headmate who still uses she/her at all; they’re open to curveball pronouns except for he/it), most pronouns are fair game. So...¿surprise us?

Gender Identity: We usually say nonbinary-ish man. Our lover offered boyflux / manflux and that’s the best specific label we have.

(We tend to explain our gender day to day very differently. Sometimes queer man, sometimes wizard/sorcerer, sometimes abstract concept, or something genderless/agender. It doesn’t stay still. The only thing we are not (even including Serenity, who is feminine-ish nonbinary)) is a girl.)

¿AGAB?: The biological sex we were accused of at birth is none of your business. We were convicted as a nonbinary-ish man as an adult and that’s what matters.

¿Number of Headmates?: We are polyfragmented and honestly I’ve lost track at this point 😭

¿When did we discover we had D.I.D.?: The journey began with undeniable evidence in early 2019. We were first medically confirmed in June of 2020.

¿Who is fronting for / writing this post?: My name is Nicolás Carriedo, but everyone calls me Nico and I usually tag myself as Nico on this blog. You can usually identify me from español being slipped in to posts, purple emoji hearts 💜, & sometimes ¿? ¡! and other tone tags (others use those sometimes).

I’m an age slider (my age varies from stress), but I’m usually 18 to the body’s age. (Sometimes I’ll be 5 or 7 or 9 or otherwise a little for a bit. (Similar to age regression, except my body in headspace slides to match and I forget everything that happened after that age, and it’s a D.I.D. experience & because I also age regress sometimes.)) As far as roles, I’m a frequent fronter right now, but I’m also a protector and trauma holder.

(Please do nOT call me Nick, I hate it and that’s not my name, & I won’t respond to it. My name is español / de España. I also have two dads and an older brother in system with me.)

~~~

History / where & when this blog began:

This blog began as a reblogging and sneaky backdoor-into-the-internet blog back in 2011 (was not supposed to have Internet or computers, so we used school computer labs and libraries), and became a fandom and shenanigans page back in 2013. In 2019 to 2020, it also became a bit of a healing journey & mental health page as we ended up with undeniable evidence that we were plural and needed a place to vent those feelings and discoveries that our biological (bio) family, and especially our bio parents, would not find.

Now it is becoming a mix of shenanigans and reblogs, and actual advice and knowledge and theories and discoveries, and sometimes a place where we mention or discuss witchcraft and polytheism. (I don’t know when it officially became a blog that people followed for the reassurance and theories and advice, but here we are.)

~~~

Terms:

• Plurality / Multiplicity (noun / adjective): refers to the fact that one brain & body has multiple people in it, whether they have OSDD-1 or D.I.D.

• System(s) (noun): the collective people sharing a brain & body, or identifying as a unit. This can be two people or many. A system is a single group; systems refers to multiple bodies who experience plurality. Some systems also have subsystems, groups within the same body/mind that identify as or are considered somehow separate from the main system.

• Headmates, Headmages, Mindmages, Mindmates, etc. (noun): these refer to the people in a plural system. Each individual person is a headmate, mindmate, etc., including the host(s) &/or gatekeeper(s). The term in the DSM is “alters” but that refers to ‘alternate personalities’, which treats us as facets of a whole, like some monstrous Frankenstein’s monster, that doesn’t actually exist. Headmates/mindmates is akin to calling them roommates (we live together and share a space; we can be friends or family, but can also be strangers who never meet or strictly business partners or acquaintances or etc. & don’t automatically get along, so roommates encompasses all possibilities for us). As for mindmages/headmages, my keyboard auto-corrected to this once and I stared at it and laughed, and started actually using it because I loved the idea of magic & fantasy being interwoven with our existence. The most common term you’ll see us (& some other systems) use is headmates.

• Fronting/Fronted (verb - to front): the act of controlling the body & interacting with the outside world. This can be the person writing/typing, speaking, doing chores, taking care of the body, etc.. For some systems, this is like puppeteering from a distance, and others it’s like a computer or video game console, and there are likely other ways this is represented (all systems are unique).

• Front (noun): the physical/mental place from which we front (verb). This can be a blank space for some systems, or a house, or something more complicated. Our fronting space is currently a room that has computer screens to see outside (3 screens; peripheral vision (2) + central vision), and we control the body via PS3 remote controls like a video game. Sometimes there will be multiple people stealing one remote or passing it around, and sometimes there will be multiple remotes as we share control of the body & voice. There's a city around the building and all the buildings are made of a reddish brown brick. (I have a very vivid imagination so we have a vivid headspace that I built to make the space more comfortable.)

• Co-conscious (co-con) (verb / noun (place)): when a mindmage is conscious of the outside world, near enough to the fronting space to observe what the others are doing, but not in control of the body.

• Co-front(ing) (verb): when two or more headmates front together. There might be a primary fronter with others co-front, close enough to control the body &/or speak, or there may be 2 or more headmates splitting the controls.

• Mindscape, Headspace, Mind Palace, etc. (nouns): the physical place inside our mind where we go when we dissociate. If we dissociate a little we see the fronting space, but if we switch out or dissociate to co-con we can see different parts of it. Some people have a blank space or no visuals, and some have vivid &/or complex headspaces. Our mindscape is complex and vivid.

• Roles: these are the jobs that headmates may be assigned. They describe the tasks that person usually does. This can be a person remembering trauma the other(s) can’t handle (trauma holder), the person protecting the system or a headmate from further trauma (protector, persecutor), the person taking care of the physical body or helping the body cope through heavy emotions or flashbacks (caretaker, caregiver), or more.

~~~

Tags:

• # ~Nico, # ~Jack, or other # ~name tags — these are fronting tags. We may forget sometimes but are trying to consistently tag whoever wrote or reblogged a post in the post &/or the tags.

• # original art, # original photography, # original character, etc. - these are photos, art pieces, & characters we designed. They may be reblogs from our other side blogs, but they are ours. Unless marked, any photography or characters we reblog don’t belong to us. However, other people’s art with be marked with # not my art or # not our art

• # Liliana, # Liliana 🐱, # Lili, # Lili 🐱, # our kitty, # my kitty - We have a calico kitty named Liliana (nickname Lili). Sometimes we talk about her or share photos 💜. These tags mark when a post is about her.

~~~

Side Blogs:

@void-galaxy-art-stuffs - ¡art we’ve made! Some of this may contain triggering content / topics though, so scroll at your own discretion.

@void-galaxys-photos - photos we’ve taken. These are all taken on cell phones (most recently (past 3 years), Samsung Galaxy S8, Samsung Galaxy S21, & Moto One 5G Ace (Motorola)). We often take pictures of nature, especially clouds.

@note-to-self1119 - these are notes we need, directed at our younger self, but they may be helpful for others

@teaquotes48 - these are quotes I’ve found on tea bags when we drink cold/flu tea. Some of those quotes were just worth sharing 🤷‍♂️☺.

@wpffw - this is where we share writing prompts that are quotes or scenes from stories. Two or three are from our creative writing class in high school, two or three are ideas, and we occasionally reblog prompts/quotes, but the rest are quotes & scenes from our own writing. We hoped someone else may benefit from prompts in this style, after we discovered a lot of prompts were too vague or too specific or just...not inspiring or giving us ideas and that we write easier from lines out of books and TikTok videos and songs than we do from those. The blog name stands for Writing Prompts For Fictional Writers. It's a couple years old and has around 170 prompts. Prompts are primarily around fantasy & magic and queer & trans characters, & of course plenty of trauma & comfort trope scenes/quotes, with some exceptions.

@say-it-with-me-affirmations - affirmations we have written down for y’all to look through and benefit from

~~~

Rules & Boundaries:

• We are not a medical professional, or licensed psychologist. There will be questions where all we can do is tell you to seek professional help.

• Asks (including anon) are open. If you have a question we may be able to answer, ask. The most we’ll do is say we aren’t comfortable answering your question, or reply privately to your ask. You will not be belittled, mocked, or bullied for what you don’t know, and we are comfortable answering most questions around our plurality (and some other categories). If we have the spoons you will likely get an answer. It’s also okay to use asks to say hi, or to let us know our content helped you in some way (on or off anon). ¡We also post ask games sometimes and would love it if people participated in those with us!

• That said, hateful or cruel asks will be deleted and blocked. We may also delete other asks at our discretion. We are not obligated to answer every ask, and may choose not to sometimes.

• Our ask box is not a space for donation requests. We don’t have money to help anyone, and it’s likely our followers don’t either. We may boost existing posts, but won’t start a new one from asks. We wish you the best in getting that help, but that’s not what this page is for.

• LGBT+ hate won’t be tolerated on this blog, or our side blogs. This includes bioessentialism, trans-misogyny, trans-misandry, transphobia, enbyphobia, aphobia (acephobia, arophobia), biphobia, etc. Your replies or asks will be deleted and you will be blocked.

• Sexism, racism, and other bigotry (-isms, -phobias) won’t be tolerated on this blog or our side blogs. Your replies or asks will be deleted and you will be blocked.

• Free Palestine (stop the genocide), BLM, ACAB, and anti-capitalism. If you disagree with any of those movements, please block us and leave our page. If you argue any of these points, your replies or asks will be deleted and you will be blocked.

• We are long overdue for a full-scale revolution (pro LGBT+, pro ‘cringe’ / weirdness, pro true freedom, pro neurodivergent, pro culture, pro choice & for people making medical decisions about their own bodies (medical gender transitions / gender affirming care, abortion or post partum care, etc.), pro (better) therapy, pro emotional maturity, anti-racist, anti-capitalist, anti police / ACAB, anti occupation/colonization, anti ableist, anti white supremacy, anti conversion/assimilation). Either get out of the way or join us.

• Please please please reblog from us. We don’t mind “spamming” likes & reblogs. It’s actually very fun for us to witness / be notified about. If you like our content, 100% ¡share it, reply to it, send us asks about it! Engagement is not at all annoying or problematic. 💜☺

~~~

FAQs:

Q: ¿What does “medically confirmed” mean?

A: We have not been told if we have a professional diagnosis on paper yet. But we have been openly acknowledged by 3 different licensed medical professionals and repeatedly told to seek a D.I.D. specialist for a professional diagnosis.

~

Q: ¿How did you get medically confirmed 3 times?

A: After a year of therapy (first time around; ended June 2020), our therapist said she “[had] met 26 of [us]” and that she highly recommended we got to a D.I.D. specialist. (We did not know how to find, or have money for, a specialist at the time.) That means a professional confirmed our existence. This happened again with our new therapist (began August 2023), who has already distinctly met 3 of us (me, Lucca, & Serenity). We know because we’re getting more comfortable openly presenting as plural; I usually wear blue (shirt + button up / flannel) with the body’s natural hair, but Lucca wore a wig that looks like his hair in headspace and a green outfit (shirt + flannel) and Serenity (they/she) wore a wig and a dress with a coat over it that covered up our chest (we agreed to let her not bind in the therapy room as long as they wore a coat to hide our chest elsewhere). Our therapist has also encountered (co-conscuious, has spoken aloud but wasn’t fronting) Jack several times, and this week she encountered Wolfe and Sylver for the first time. So that’s two therapists. And lastly, our psychiatrist asked about what the intake person had only noted as “hears voices” (I explicitly called it D.I.D. so that was rude), & I was honest. By the second check-in on meds, she explicitly asked us “who’s fronting today?” (she met me, Nico, before that but I was alone, & that time there were 3 others with me, no clue how she knew) & especially after that session (we were switchy and talking to eachother aloud) she agreed that she saw signs of D.I.D. and that we should seek a specialist when we can. Between all of those, that makes us triple medically confirmed. (Technically our current therapist has an intern shadowing her who has also seen and acknowledged our D.I.D./plurality, but she's not licensed yet.)

~

Q: ¿Do you believe that D.I.D./OSDD-1 has to be professionally diagnosed to be valid?

A: Absolutely not. Access to professional diagnosis is limited and often expensive. It can take up to 15 years (and sometimes several medications) to get the correct diagnosis, and the minimum is usually 3 to 5 years. I do think that self diagnosis should be careful and involve official research papers (using Google Scholar if needed, but preferably using scientific journals if you can access them), because (a) confirmation bias (believing you have something & ignoring any evidence to the contrary) & (b) there are similar disorders that may fit better. There has also been some stigma and misinformation spread on social media (and in movies) to be wary of. But I do believe that most self diagnosed D.I.D./OSDD systems are correct about their own experience and are completely valid.

~

Q: ¿Are there movies or TV shows where I can learn more about D.I.D. or see it represented? ¿Are there ones I should avoid?

A: Yes, if you take them with a grain of salt because they are still dramatized and may contain misinformation or stigma or other biases. Most systems believe Moonknight (a TV show on Netflix) is the current most accurate representation. But as far as avoiding representation, or being cautious to do high levels of misrepresentation or only representing dangerous & negative stories around plurality, please avoid or be careful with The Crowded Room, & Split & Glass.

~

Q: ¿Did you shatter/break as a child? / ¿How did you become plural?

A: (No.) The current most supported theory (supported by evidence with replicable results, but psychology is a newer science and not a hard science so not 100% proven) says that everyone is born with identity fragments. These fragments integrate with a single identity and memory at 9 to 12 years old, in healthy childhood. This creates a multifaceted personality, or the phenomenon of people being a different person with their family vs coworkers vs lovers. When a child forms plurality (D.I.D./OSDD-1), repeated trauma (mixed with severe trauma, or smaller trauma compounding) prevents these fragments from fully integrating their identity, memory, or both. These fragments get separated by amnesia walls (they forget about one another, forget about memories or separate identities or both, & can't access or integrate with one another), which then forces each individual fragment to form its own multifaceted identity. The difference between 1a, 1b, & D.I.D. is the degree of identity separation / distinctly different people and the degree of amnesia (forgetting trauma, day to day events, &/or switches). The identity & memory separation cannot be from religious or cultural experiences (e.g. shamanic practices or religious trances) and has to be persistent (the minimum observation time prior to professional diagnosis is one year). It's usually a covert disorder, but if someone discovers their plurality it can start to reveal itself in more obvious ways.

(Spirit (one of our headmates) actually wants to combine these into one label, something along the lines of ‘traumatic amnesia with plurality’, & (similar to autism) have what is now separate diagnoses be scales under a single label (degrees of identity & memory separation), but unless that happens they are considered three separate and related disorders.)

~~~

If you actually read this far, thank you so much, and welcome to our page! 💜

¿What song, band, or playlist saved your life when you were at your lowest?

(¡tell us asks, replies, or reblogs if you want to!)

(My answer: Citizen Soldier (Let It Burn, Would Anyone Care; ICU, You Are Enough), but also sometimes Simple Plan or other bands/songs.)

~Nico

[gleesongtournament]

Glee Song Tournament Update #1

I’m hoping to start the tournament on Sunday the 16th, but I will post a more concrete confirmation of the schedule once I get it 100% sorted

For now I wanted to talk about the songs that are included and excluded, and how I’ve set this up

What didn’t I included? Well the only two concrete answers were anything that was just a dance performance with the original song in the background (Single Ladies, Bubble Toes, etc), and any song that was album only with no filmed scene to go with it (Dancing On My Own, I Was Here, etc)

Some musical moments I left out might seem hypocritical. I left out songs by rival glee clubs that basically only served to show that yes, there is a third club competing, here’s ten seconds of their song (Broken Wings, Starlight Express, etc) but I included ten second snippets of songs from main characters (Respect, Mr. Cellophane, etc)

I also didn’t included (most) songs whose only purpose was to be bad or get cut off which unfortunately cuts out half the times Tina got to sing. Some exceptions are Crush (because we at least got a full studio version) and Pink Houses (which we heard enough of in the episode). But things like The Climb or Revolution will not be found here

Lastly, songs in deleted scenes. These were cut or kept in based on what I thought was more popular. I can understand someone being miffed if Santa Baby or I Want You Back wasn't included, but I doubt anyone would care as much about Oklahoma or Mr. Monotony (if you stan the latter two songs, I'm sorry). So I only kept in the ones I thought were more well known/liked

If you're upset about one of the above songs not being included, or think I'm not being fair, you should know that there will be 340 match ups consisting of 681 songs in round one alone. I only trimmed the tiniest amount of fat, and I promise there are still plenty of songs for you to vote on. But hopefully everyone can understand where I'm coming from and just accept what got cut x

Now, with hundreds and hundreds of songs in the mix, I wanted to do something a little more interesting than just throwing a million random match ups your way with no rhyme or reason. Bc 1) It could get boring and repetitive and 2) It could be harder to follow if it weren't split up in some cohesive way. That's where the categories come in

What are the categories? Generally speaking, they're the ways I've broken down the polls into themed sections. Hopefully this will make everything easier to follow, plus who doesn't love some good theming?? Specifically, the categories are...

Holiday Songs. All the Christmas songs + the one Hanukkah song. If you hate Christmas music, feel free to skip this round

Original Songs. Basically just any songs that aren't covers, whether it's the humorous or serious ones

Mash Ups. All the songs that are two songs combined

Same Songs. The songs that were covered multiple times on the show, pitted against one another. The only round that isn't matched up randomly

Tributes. Songs by artists/from musicals that the show frequently paid homage to (RHPS, WSS, Grease, Beatles, Britney, Fleetwood Mac, the Jackson fam, Madonna, Whitney, Stevie Wonder)(also the songs are from all eps, not just the one(s) that served as the actual tribute ep)

Musicals. Songs from musicals not listed in the last bullet point

Rivals. Songs performed by opposing glee clubs (The Warblers, Vocal Adrenaline, etc)

Guest Stars. Songs performed by, or heavily featuring, any of Glee's numerous celebrity cast members

New Directions. Songs performed by the main club. (Not necessarily a group number. Could be sung by half the club, or even two or three people, but as long as the rest of the club is there vibing, it counts)

Solos. Songs sung by one main or recurring character

Duets. Songs sung by two main or recurring characters

Misc. Everything else! Mostly trios, quartets, or group numbers that go beyond just ND

Of course there are plenty of songs that could fit into multiple categories. For example, "Somewhere" could fall under Tribute, Guest Star, and Duet, but will only be included in one of those. So if you think I left something out of a certain category, don't worry, you'll see it pop up in a different one later!

So I think that's all the basics so far. If you have any questions you can send them here or on my main @angelhummel

[itcameuponamidnightqueer]

Mwahaha I'm actually on mobile with access to full emojis right now! 😜 So for the writers truth or dare game:

🐇

🍄

🥐

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both? i don't think i've ever done reader or author insert characters intentionally, and i only do original characters when they have to serve some narrative purpose, ie. when i'm writing an AU and there is no canon character who fits the adaptation. on an OC but not fic-related note, what i've found in creating characters for D&D campaigns, whether PCs i'm going to play or NPCs for a setting, is that original characters are so freaking hard!!!! finding voices and perspectives for each character is what makes me relate to them, but that's almost impossible for me to do from scratch rather than someone else's blueprint. i think right now i'm in an "i actually hate creating characters as opposed to just adapting/using them" mood and i don't enjoy it until everything clicks together. i've gotta get better at training myself to find the clicking point faster tho, bc i have many good ideas for d&d campaigns that i would like to start manifesting, lol

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings oh man, i'm just going current = favorite, since i haven't done any kind of writing in a while (though i want to get back to it). so, warrior nun: 1) my hot take is that mary/lilith is a better pairing than lilith/camila, and that mary and lilith constantly try to outdo each other in the "who's a better morning person" department. mary can sleep in with the best of them, but also her view on being a morning person is "let me get all this shit done early so i can earn being lazy later on". whereas lilith is like, "i have to get up early because every day i must ensure i am doing More Things than anyone else." they're pretty evenly matched until lilith gets her wings/teleporting abilities and then she's just an absolute (metaphorical) monster about it.

🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh spiders georg, we all know this. but also if someone ever successfully adapted the loss meme to text, i think i would lose my shit

writer asks

[acourtofthought]

I agree with your anons and I’m ready for Gwyn to be a darker character. The darkness in her past she mentions can’t just be about fighting with her sister, that would be ridiculous.

I think Nessian and Feysand were both a nice mix of light and dark. With Elucien being full of light (literally 🤓), it would be a nice if Gwynriel is darker. Basically, Az needs to get that stick out of his ass and control himself better and Gwyn needs to tap into some inner darkness and we’re good. I feel like then the warrior + warrior pairing won’t be that repetitive.

Elucien are perfect <3. I really need their book next because it’s been YEARS. Do you think the female Fae that trapped Koschei in the lake is an ancestor of the Archerons? I feel like Elain will be the one to mop the ground with him. There’s something so funny about her saving lives and then acting like it’s no big deal lol

I always took her guilt over her past (and not wanting to make any more mistakes) to be referring to the fact that she thought she was the reason her sister was killed but if there's something else you're referring to you'll have to send me a new anon!

To some extent, I guess it all depends on which direction SJM is going with Az. He's got these issues with his self worth because of the bad things he's done (which I assume is the torturing of people and bloody revenge he's sought and enjoyed) so is she going to have him learn to not desire things like revenge and enjoy torture to ease his conscience? Or is he going to learn to accept the darkness as part of him but he's still worthy because he's still fighting for those who are innocent? I know with Nesta she had her change her behaviors in order for her to find peace but Nesta's actions were hurting her loved ones which in turn made Nesta hate herself more. Azriel's actions aren't really hurting anyone but the "bad guys". So I hope she doesn't make him a gentle version of himself in order for him to find acceptance, I sort of hope SJM helps him find acceptance with who he already is (darkness and all, though I agree that he needs to learn a bit more control in certain situations and develop better communication skills.

And if that's the case then I'd love if Gwyn had a little darkness to match his. I love how Elain and Lucien naturally match so well. And though it's been difficult for them to find their place because they don't fit the typical NC aesthetic or personality, I know they'll eventually find it in Spring or Day and that just makes sense for how they're written. I don't think Elucien's doubt that they share similar values, a disinterest in fighting as a way of life and a similar approach to things like revenge (that is to say, neither actively wants to seek out revenge against those who have wronged them). In comparison, it's not that all Gwynriels think this but I think there are some who wonder how well matched Gwyn will be to Az's darkness. Because we really don't know her take on revenge and whether she enjoys it and desires it. Or whether that would make her feel guilty for wanting to hurt someone that hurt her. Right now Gwyn doesn't seem to have any darkness so it's really difficult to see how they match on that level. It's not about her just accepting that side of him because everyone in the IC accepts that side of him. But his best match would be someone who truly understands that darkness and if Rhys doesn't fully understand it all the time (considering all that Rhys has done in his past) then you'd hope his Mate would be the one who could.

And this isn't an Anti Gwynriel stance because I absolutely think they're endgame. And I'm sure Gwyn will still be the (moon)light to Azriel's shadows and I can see all the ways they'll be adorable and playful together. But that's just a portion of who they are and it would be nice if the darkest member of the IC found a companion who got the darkness inside of him because she felt it too at times.

With both Rhys and Feyre, they play the bad guys when they have to but deep down they would rather not have to. They do it to achieve what they need to achieve in order to do what's best for their court no matter what the cost. They'll wear the mask though they wish they didn't have to. With Az, he puts on a mask of politeness but deep down he's got a lot of rage, desire for revenge and iciness to him. He's almost the reverse of Rhys. Right now I don't get anything close to rage from Gwyn and I'll be really curious to see if SJM will close that gap between she and Az, so she gets a bit more of an edge or if SJM will do a 180 on Az's personality and soften him. I think it would be more fun if they were the NC's darkest duo because they're still going to be good, they're still only out there fighting for the people who need it. But like you said, it would set them apart from the other endgame couples of the IC, maintaining a bit more of that vicious edge and not feeling guilty over it.

Elain really does deflect when people try to give her credit for things, doesn't she? 😂

"You must have been up so early!" "The twins were up earlier"

"You made this cake?!" "Nuala did the decorating though"

"I heard you made the killing blow!" "Nesta did, I just stabbed him"

I did always wonder whether the Archerons were related to the Fae warrior who confined the Weaver and Koschei. It's a bit strange we never got any other hints on it but maybe it's something she's saving for future books.

[mrs-dr-reid]

I posted 1,127 times in 2022

84 posts created (7%)

1,043 posts reblogged (93%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@stranger-nightmare

@libraryofloveletters

@boldlyvoid

@samuel-de-champagne-problems

@leossmoonn

I tagged 648 of my posts in 2022

Only 43% of my posts had no tags

#logan speaks - 414 posts

#logan shitposts - 77 posts

#<<< that’s a new one - 66 posts

#logan writes - 63 posts

#logan reads - 20 posts

#anj 👩‍🚒 - 18 posts

#hope🦇 - 15 posts

#logan yells - 14 posts

#<<< i can already tell that’s going to become a popular tag on my account - 14 posts

#logan recommends - 12 posts

Longest Tag: 132 characters

#and my family is leaving me at home but i wanna go with them but i also don’t wanna go but i also don’t want to be at home by myself

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Taking inspiration from this post I saw on my dash from @boldlyvoid:

I’m gonna tell you what color a handful of my comfort characters remind me of, but will provide no explanation as to why. (I agree with the characters and color associations she mentions, so they won’t be covered here)

1. Evan Buckley from 9-1-1 is a marigold yellow

2. Steve Harrington is like an olive green

3. Wanda Maximoff is like a pastel red. Not a full crimson, but soft like a little bit of pink is mixed into it to make it blushier

4. Matt Murdock is like baby kitten grey

5. Peter Parker in any form is baby blue, be it Toby Peter, Andrew Peter, or Tom Peter

6. Benedict Bridgerton is indigo

7. Remus Lupin is chocolate brown

8. Harry Potter is like Heineken bottle green (if you’ve ever seen a Heineken bottle you know what I mean)

9. Newt Scamander is like a rich lapis lazuli blue

10. And Percy Jackson is seafoam green

No I will not elaborate

11 notes - Posted June 14, 2022

#4

My Personal Spencer Reid Headcanons

Part 1/?

The only things he knows how to cook before meeting you are Ramen and Box Mac and Cheese (and even then he still isn't very good at it)

He memorizes all of your clothing sizes so he can just tell people right off the bat for gift-giving purposes (or for him to get you things *wink wonk*) instead of having to ask you first

He genuinely enjoys hearing you talk, so he’ll ask questions that trigger info-dump sessions on purpose just to hear you ramble on about whatever hyper-fixation he asked you about, because you always do the same thing for him

He is ENDLESSLY fascinated by makeup, so if you’re the type of person who wears/knows how to do makeup, he will sit and just watch you do your makeup, occasionally asking what a product is for or what techniques you’re using

The books on his bookshelf are organized via the Dewey Decimal System, and you buy him a label maker for that express purpose so he can label the space on the shelf instead of having to put a bulky lamination on all of his books

Despite never wearing matching socks, all of his socks are organized by color (you helped him get divided drawer inserts for that)

He does not know and cannot for the life of him figure out how to play Snaps, Black Magic, or any of those other weird mind-numbing camp games, which you always laugh at him for whether you know how to play them or not

He can successfully fold a fitted sheet because his arms are so long, and it endlessly pisses off everybody

He still doesn't know how to use chopsticks

He dotes upon you whenever it's your time of the month, because he hates it when you don't feel good and he wants to help you feel better

Even though he tries his best to avoid germs, when he does get sick, he's the biggest man-baby imaginable and you have to drop everything to take care of him (even though you'd do that if he WASN'T a man-baby)

You somehow convince him to read Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, The Maze Runner, The Hunger Games, and all those other fantasy/dystopian fiction novels for kids and young adults, and even though he tries to act all cool and say they weren't as good as Chaucer or Vonnegut, he actually really enjoyed them

He sucks at remembering to drink water, so you have to get him an obnoxiously neon colored water bottle so he'll remember to use it

The only form of exercise he can do well and for a prolonged period of time is sit-ups, so he has pretty decent abs

He had no idea how to properly care for his wild curls until you came along and helped him research how to do it best

He likes podcasts, specifically ones about books, movies, and tv shows, but he does have a select few true crime podcasts that he likes to listen to, even though he's very familiar with most of the cases they discuss

He only gets an iPhone so he can receive pictures and videos of his godsons from JJ and Derek, and eventually so you can send him pictures and videos of your sons and/or daughters (also for certain word and math puzzle games that you download for him when he first gets it)

He really likes the home organizing shows they have on Netflix, and once you came home to find him Marie Kondo-ing the entire apartment

16 notes - Posted May 20, 2022

#3

My Personal Matt Murdock Headcanons

Part 1/?

(And yes. I have discussed a handful of these with my beloved moot @leossmoonn before)

Due to his enhanced senses, he knows the perfect time to flip a pancake, never burns anything, always makes the most perfect toast, and he always kills flies on the first try

As much as he pretends to hate it because it’s kinda blasphemous, one of his favorite songs is Take Me To Church by Hozier. He also really likes Devil’s Advocate by The Neighborhood and (don’t tell anybody) Paper Rings by Taylor Swift

He’s really good with kids. Like, unnaturally good. Like, you’ll walk into a room and see him regaling your nephews with stories of Battlin’ Jack Murdock, or all of your nieces doing their best to put his hair in ponytails or “forcing” him to sing Disney songs with them (and melting when he actually gets really into it)

The most chivalrous little shit on earth. Always opening doors for you, pulling your chair out for you when you go out to eat, helping you out of taxis, kissing the back of your hand, shit like that. Simply because he loves hearing the heat rush to your cheeks

He’s annoyingly good at hide and seek, at least from a seeking standpoint because of his super weirdness. He can’t hide worth a damn, because he’s almost six feet tall and not that flexible, so he ends up trying to hide behind the big plant in your living room and you can just barely see the tiniest bit of his fluffy hair peeking out over the top of it

He’s a complete pansy when it comes to spicy food or strong flavors. The only spicy things he can kind of handle are Hot Cheetos or Takis, and even after those he has to chug like half a gallon of milk

He’s surprisingly good with animals. Like, say you’re at a petting zoo for a younger relative’s birthday party. You’ll end up finding him in some obscure corner of the animal pen with a baby goat fast asleep in his arms. Or if you’re at a family member’s house for a holiday and they happen to have a dog or a cat, you can bet the second he sits down that animal is going to make themselves at home on his lap or around his shoulders. It’s even funnier if the dog that picks him as their dog bed is huge, like you just walk into the living room to find him being borderline smothered by a very self-satisfied fully grown Great Pyrenees

His favorite times of year are the beginning of spring when all the flowers and trees are blooming, and the holidays because of all the yummy baked treats you’re constantly making that make the whole apartment smell like a real deal bakery

He can’t bring himself to go within 50 feet of a Bath and Bodywork’s or a Yankee Candle because of all the competing robust aromas, so he’ll just tell you what candle or bath product he’d like, because he physically can’t go near either of those stores without getting a wicked headache

After a particularly rough night out on patrol, you’ll most likely find him on the couch cocooned inside a weighted blanket with his expensive noise cancelling headphones over his ears, because sometimes the only way he can get calm enough to meditate is if he can’t hear anything and he doesn’t have any outside stimulation

He loves audio books, especially the ones where the narrator uses different voices to distinguish what character is speaking. Knowing this, you buy him the Harry Potter audiobooks, and it’s safe to say they quickly become his favorite because Stephen Fry is the MVP of character voices

Because his senses are so refined, you, Foggy, and Karen come up with a game where you give him five of the same thing but from different places or brands (like four black coffees from four different coffee joints and one homemade or five pints of vanilla ice cream from five different brands) to see if he can tell the difference between them. Annoyingly enough, he can, and it pisses you guys off to no end

He memorizes the heartbeats and walking patterns of the people he cares about (aka you, Foggy, and Karen), so he can pick you guys out of a crowd of thousands and instantly tell when there’s something wrong be it your heart rate is slightly irregular, your walking pace is accelerated, or god forbid you have a slight limp

Much like Anakin Skywalker, he can’t really handle the texture of sand (of course you quote that one scene whenever he mentions it just to mess with him), so he’s not the biggest fan of the beach. Then one year for a vacation you take him to your relative’s condo in Coquina Beach, Florida, and the second he feels how soft the sand is, he changes his mind about beaches, and you two decide to try and find the beach with the softest sand in the world

He loves it when you wear his clothes, especially his old Columbia sweatshirts or tees. Once when he came home, you were wearing one of his white work button ups and no pants, and he just about lost his remaining five marbles

He unironically loves VeggieTales, especially the Silly Songs with Larry. You’ve caught him humming “Oh Where is My Hairbrush?” to himself while he’s getting ready for work too many times for it to be a coincidence

He has a really good singing voice, but he only ever busts it out at a karaoke bar after a few too many whiskeys, and yet he still sounds coherent when you drunkenly usher him onto the stage. Once he sang “Hold Me While You Wait” by Lewis Capaldi, and the entire female population within the bar (and a couple of dudes, tbh) basically melted into the floor, because he has no business having the voice of an angel when he’s drunk off his ass

He likes going to museums with you that specialize in your niche interests just to hear you infodump to him about the stuff you already know and the new stuff you learn while you’re there, because he loves listening to your voice in any context

30 notes - Posted August 4, 2022

#2

I Swear

(A Spencer Reid Fic)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Platonic-ish Fem!Reader

Summary: Reader decides to clean the apartment, but she finds something of Spencer's that she was never supposed to see

Genre: Pretty angsty right in the middle, but it gets sweet and fluffy at the end, I promise

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of Spencer's no-no juice arc, mentions of the circumstances that CAUSED said no-no juice arc, crying, general ouchies.

A/N: This is for @imagining-in-the-margins' Roommate Challenge. I apologize in advance for any pain this may cause. And this is post-finale, but Reader doesn't meet Spencer until around the middle of Season 13, so she isn't fully aware of all the crap our favorite boi went through

Word Count: 1121

———————————————————————

When Y/N set out on her spring cleaning mission, she was not expecting it to end in tears. Well, she usually doesn't expect anything to end in tears, but especially not tidying up her shared apartment with her best friend.

Y/N is the owner of a very small and homey second-hand bookstore that just so happened to be Spencer Reid's very favorite place to go when he needed to de-stress after a rough day at work. One day while he was in about two and a half years ago, she helped him find a book he was looking for, they struck up a conversation, and they've been friends ever since.

About 6 months ago, Y/N's apartment building got condemned for a multitude of health and safety violations, and she didn't have anywhere else to go because all the apartments available for rent were too far away from her shop. She vented all of her frustrations to Spencer when he came into the shop that day, and he very generously offered to let her live with him in his apartment.

Anyways, Spencer was off at Quantico for what he assured her was only going to be a cut-and-dry paperwork day, so she decided to get some cleaning done, because between him being an avid reader, her making a living collecting and selling second-hand books, and both of them working so much, the apartment was starting to resemble a small post-apocalyptic library.

She reorganized the two large bookshelves (one for him and one for her), scrubbed the kitchen counters until they were spotless, emptied the fridge of any spoiled food, and wiped down all the surfaces in the bathroom. And she had to admit to herself that she did a pretty good job at making the apartment look habitable again.

Then Y/N started cleaning up the floors of her and Spencer's bedrooms so she could vacuum, and while she was picking up all of the mismatched socks strewn about in Spencer's room, she knelt down to make sure there wasn't anything under his bed, and she found a small wooden box with a clasp on it. She dumped all the socks into his hamper (while reminding herself to start on laundry later), then grabbed the box from under the bed to investigate.

She sat on the end of his bed, then undid the clasp and opened the box to find three small glass vials filled with clear liquid. Y/N's eyebrows furrowed, then she picked up one of the vials and turned it around to read the label. She almost dropped the box when she read the word "dilaudid" on the little sticker, and tears started coming to her eyes. Y/N knew that Spencer had been through a lot from when she first became friends with him, but she had no idea that he'd had these kind of issues, and that was probably on purpose on Spencer's part.

The front door opened, and she heard Spencer call out, "Y/N/N? I'm home!", so she used all of her resolve to contain more tears and slowly left his room while holding the little box. He hadn't noticed her come out of the room, and he continued hanging up his jacket while saying, "Hey, did you clean the apartment? It looks great! You know you didn't have to do that ri-...?", but he cut himself off when he saw Y/N standing in the living room with tear streaks on her face holding the object he hadn't even thought about in almost 3 years.

Spencer's face immediately fell, and he said, "You were never supposed to see that," which only made Y/N want to cry even more. She tried to fight it, but she broke down sobbing, and had to grab the back of the couch to stop herself from sinking onto the floor, because she knew that if she did, it would break Spencer's heart even more.

Spencer ran forward, gently took the box from her hands, then scooped her into his arms bridal style before carrying her to the couch and sat down with her. Y/N buried her face in his neck and cried harder than when her family had to send the dog they had since she was four across the Rainbow Bridge right before she graduated from high school, and Spencer could feel tears welling up in his eyes as well, because he'd never imagined seeing her this broken up over him.

After she had calmed down a little, she whispered, "Why didn't you tell me?", so he replied, "Because I didn't want you to see me as some fragile broken former addict. I just wanted you to see me as Spencer, the guy who nabs all the good books from your store before anyone else can get them, the guy who makes you watch Doctor Who with him all the time, the guy who teases you for not being able to handle Indian food, just... your Spence," his voice breaking at the very end.

Y/N looked up at him and said, "You'd still be my Spence if you had told me. Your past mistakes don't define the kind of person you are," before wiping her eyes and letting out a tiny sniffle. Spencer nodded and said, "It's a long story, but I know you won't judge me now, so... here goes nothing," with tears in his eyes.

He told her his whole story, about Tobias Hankle and his multiple personalities, about his kidnapping, about his struggle with substances, and about how ten years of sobriety were ripped from him when he was drugged and framed for murder in Mexico, and Y/N listened intently the whole time.

When he was finished, she asked, "And the box I found under your bed?", so he said, "I haven't even thought about it since before we met. I've been sober again for almost 3 years, and I'm not planning on giving that up again anytime soon, I swear," which made her smile before throwing her arms around him in a tight hug. He hugged her back, then kissed the top of her head before saying, "Thank you for being my friend," so she squeezed him even tighter and said, "Thank you for being mine," and they just stayed like that for a while.

Y/N said, "Wanna watch Doctor Who?", and he said, "I swear you can read minds sometimes," before grabbing the remote off the coffee table and going into HBO Max. Y/N snuggled into his side, and they watched the show peacefully for a few hours before falling asleep that way on the couch, more in sync than they ever have been before.

———————————————————————

CM Taglist: @homoose, @libraryofloveletters, @hurricanejjareau, @xgoldentigerlilyx, @less-intelligent-spencerreid, @boketto2-0, @aryaarathornson, @houseofhotch, @spoookymuulders

Let me know in the comments if you want to be added

54 notes - Posted March 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

My Personal Eddie Munson Headcanons

Part 1/?

He always has you do his eyeliner before his shows with Coroded Coffin because he insists he’s terrible at it, but he really just likes how you sit on his lap and hold his face while you do it

This little shit is the biggest gentleman on the planet, and you wanna punch him in his stupid perfect face because of it. Always helps you step over puddles, always gives you his hand to get out of his van, and you haven’t opened a door for yourself when you’re with him since you first started dating

He tries to teach you how to play the electric guitar, but you’re horrendous at it. He has more luck with acoustic though, and when you get good enough to sing and play at the same time, he loses his shit because he taught you that and you’re amazing

This man is such a cuddle monster. Like, his 5’10” ass koalas around you the second you’re in bed or on the couch, and he buries his face in your neck to be as close to you as he possibly can (he’s only the littlest bit touch starved)

He has no idea how to react when you compliment him. He’s so used to being insulted and called awful names by all the douchebags at school, that when you brush hair away from his face and say “You have the prettiest eyes, Eddie”, he frickin melts like a popsicle on the 4th of July

He pretended to be annoyed by it at first, but now he openly loves it when you play with his hair and put braids in it and all that jazz

He loves it when you lay on his chest while he’s reading or sit on his lap while he’s writing out a new campaign for the Hellfire boys. He especially loves it when you ask him to read to you or offer up ideas about what bullshit to put the boys through at the next Hellfire meeting

He takes Will under his wing the second he meets him and makes him his Junior Dungeon Master. They combine forces and make the most elaborate campaign either of them have ever made based on their escapades with the Upside Down stuff. They even manage to get Max, Steve, Nancy, Robin, and Jonathan to design characters for it and play through it

He and the other Hellfire boys give you their old dice sets when they get all beat up and worn out so you can make crafts with them. Every member of Hellfire has a bracelet you made them with their respective dice sets, and they treasure everything you make them with every fiber of their beings

He’s really good at climbing trees. Like, you can blink and the dumbass is halfway to the top of the tree already. He says it’s because he likes to see the town from a different view point, but you know he just likes to show off

Metal may be his main wheelhouse, but he secretly loves Cyndi Lauper. You’ve caught him singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” in the shower on numerous occasions, but you never say anything about it

This man can’t keep his hands to himself worth any type of damn. He always has an arm around your waist or around your shoulders, always holding your hand, or he has his arms wrapped around your middle from behind while he presses kisses against your neck. He’s a leg man too, but y’all can jump to your own conclusions there

He taught himself how to knit once when he was stuck at home with chicken pox, and now you and the Hellfire boys have a collection of scarves, hats, and mittens he’s made for you, and they actually do a good job of keeping you warm in the winter months

He has a rock collection that he started way back in third grade, and everytime he finds a cool rock, he takes it home and puts it in a big Tupperware tub he nicked from the kitchen when he was little and first started his collection

He makes guitar pick necklaces from random abandoned picks he finds in the parking lot behind The Hideout, and he gives them to the people he cares about. So you have about 13 different ones, his uncle has a handful of them, and the Hellfire boys all have one or two

He begrudgingly allowed you to paint his nails black once, but then he realized he looked kinda cool, so now he always asks you to do them for him

He gave you one of his rings on a chain as a sort of promise ring situation because your fingers are too small to actually wear it

He secretly loves the movie Dirty Dancing, but nobody else besides you is allowed to know that, because he thinks it’s embarrassing. You think it’s cute though, and you always tell him “I’ll be the Baby to your Johnny any day, Eds”, which makes him blush

70 notes - Posted August 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[jaywritesrps]

It just shows you how little SB fans know about Ali that they’d say Sophia is “gayer than Ali” now.

As far as we know, Ali has only been in a serious relationship with one man in her life—her college bf, almost 20 yrs ago.

She began exploring her sexuality in college and was also in a 3 year relationship with another woman in Germany before Ashlyn.

Over the years she’s shown much more interest in women than men, but I personally think a lot of her choice not to label herself has to do with a bit of internalized homophobia, whether she wants to admit it or not. I think she’s struggled with her sexuality a lot over the years, particularly with her dad and extended family’s feelings. I get very “Good luck, Babe!” vibes, tbh

Just because she chooses not to label her sexuality doesn’t mean she’s completely abandoned the idea of dating women. She simply said she’s trying to be open to all possibilities, which is a very healthy attitude to have.

However, as long as she’s in a healthy, happy, safe relationship when she chooses to date again, that’s all that matters. She deserves healthy love, be it with anyone she chooses.

Hey there, I usually delete asks like these cause it comes with hate plain and simple, but this time, i think i need to clarify a couple of things:

1) When I said Sophia was gayer of the three of them right now it's not to disrespect on Ali or Ashlyn or any lgbt, it's mostly cause she is on that stage my therapist calls as "sexuality euphoria", it's when you find out you are LGBT and you can finally live that without fear of repercussions. It's like that teen gay that found they are gay and want to be all the stereotypes possible they have seen on tv, you know. Both Ali and Ash sure passed through this, but they are on different stages than her. It's another reason why I don't think they (Sophia and Ashlyn) are going to work it out, cause once this feeling pass after a year or so, it's when they are going see thigs better (just look at that Greek' party, you can see Ashlyn doesn't fit in in Sophia's world, you can see they are desperately trying to fit in in each other's world, but it's like a Lego's wall where the whole wall is yellow and with bricks 1x3 , but another kid put a yellow brick 2x4 into it. In front, it looks like it fit in, but looking from behind you can see it didn't.)

2) When I talked about target audience for Ali, meant on her as brand, not as a person. There's a difference between "brand" and "person", brand is what she is trying to sell to an audience, that's what my comment was about. As a Brand, she is trying to put herself in a less aggressive way to get her more penetration in more diverse marketing. This is something she always did as brand, and she is not wrong for doing that, she is doing the more logical path for her. It's different from Ashlyn, for example, that mixes a lot her brand with her person, to a point that she is trapped in this brand/persona that she created after 2019 and right now, she is just trying to match with her girlfriend's style and it's weirdly looking like a mix of Grant Hughes and Chad Michael Murray in one person.

3) I really wish Ali finds someone that values her for who she is and accepts what she can give. Because to me it always looked like that Ashlyn needed that Ali was devoted to her as she was for Ali, but Ali is someone very grounded on, just look at her career and her interviews to notice that. While Ashlyn lives with her head in the clouds, and Ali is someone that took a lot of jabs in life to let the bright light blind her. So this relationship would need a lot of effort to work.

[stormywinter42]

The End is so fucking trans like omg (its also just a good song)

Anyways I’m gonna analyze the song line by line now

(New to lyrical interpretation by the way and I don’t know a lot about the albums overall story)

“Now, come on, come all to this tragic affair”

Something tragic happened what it was exactly isn’t clear but it likely led to death

“Wipe off that makeup, what's in is despair”

Could mean a couple things first one being “hey this isn’t a happy cheerful event you shouldn’t be wearing makeup right now” or the interpretation I like is it’s an allegory for gender dysphoria “wipe off that makeup” referring to a trans girl being forced into male gender roles “whats im is despair” is the dysphoria that comes along with it

“So throw on the black dress mix in with the lot”

No real new information comes from this line it’s just further enforcing the idea that someone’s died and there’s now a funeral

“You might wake up and notice you're someone you're not”

Waking up in a false figure that doesn’t match your identity. Being someone you’re not could be being seen as someone else than who you see yourself as by everyone else or it could mean intentionally displaying a false identity to appease those around you. Neither of which are good and im sure both are experiences charged by trans people. Ignoring my trans interpretation of the song it could potentially be alluding to reincarnation as death is often associated with being an endless sleep. Being reincarnated could be seen as awaking from this endless sleep in a new form (something you’re not)

“If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see”

✨Self image issues✨

“You can find out first hand what it's like to be me”

The speaker also struggles with some form of self image issues whether that be through their identity not matching their physical appearance or their appearance not fitting the expectations set for them by society

“So gather 'round, piggies, and kiss this goodbye”

The speaker is telling those attending their funeral to kiss them goodbye. Referring to the crowd as piggies implies some sort of distain or hatred for the group since it’s certainly not a kind nickname

“I'd encourage your smiles, I'll expect you won't cry”

This line explains that hatred. The speaker is expecting people to smile and laugh at their funeral almost as if they are glad to be rid of them. The speaker believes those who are closest to them hate them and want them dead

“Another contusion, my funeral jag”

A contusion is a bruise. A dark mark on the skin. This bruise may serve as a reminder of the death and I don’t know wtf funeral jag means I know a jag is a sharp object but that’s it

“Here's my resignation, I'll serve it in drag”

Oooohhhhh I love this line so much. Drag is the practice of cross dressing as a performance. Resignation has a couple meaning but here I’d rather use the second definition “accepting something I desire able but inevitable” in this care death. Serving your resignation in drag is my greatest fear. To me it means dying and being dressed in men’s clothing for my funeral and having my body spend an eternity in drag.

“You've got front row seats to the penitence ball”

Penitence is the act of sorrow and repentance. Im this line the speaker is talking directly to the listener as by listening to the song we are among the first to show sorrow for the hate that the speaker felt during their life and we therefore have front row seats

“When I grow up I wanna be nothing at all”

This line can be interpreted a couple ways but I think more thematically this line is about suicide growing up to be nothing at all could simply mean not wanting to grow up in the first place. To stop life in its tracks and simply growing up into nothing

“I SAID YEAH!!”

10/10 line. Can confirm he did say yeah

The song finishes with the speaker repeatedly shouting save me. The speaker no longer wants to die they want to be saved shouting they’re too young to die

And then it segways into Dead!

[salmaqayuum]

rant time

i hate and love the idea of being the “mysterious” and “elusive” woman that all the men and women want. on one hand i want to fulfill my jade west bisexual dreams but on the other i want to embrace this life in every way possible and be loud and obnoxious because this is a special thing, this life is finite and fleeting and why should i worry about what todd across the street thinks? but at the same time the anxiety i feel when i don’t “fit in” feels like every eye is on me and judging me, thinking that i’m not good enough, not smart enough. admittedly i know that’s not true as myself and the people i surround myself with would never do that but as wonderful as humans are we are also absolute shit. i hate the idea of someone not liking me and i shouldn’t but it’s nestled so deep within my bones that i can’t stop it. i’ve been trying in small doses though. it’s small victories. i have been finding myself putting on clothes, mixing, and matching in ways i would not have two years ago. i wear jewelry i love and remind me of happy moments in my life. i hang out with people who support me, for five years or two days. i’m expanding my social circle which is terrifying and gratifying. turning twenty is looming over me but i’m done letting it control me. 

i don’t think i’ll ever be the mysterious and elusive woman that everyone fawns over but maybe that’s okay. that’s not what i was meant for and i hope that everyone who comes into my life loves that about me. and i hope whoever reads this has people come into their life that love them for all their quirks and beauties. whether you are bubbly and loud, quiet and reserved, mysterious and elusive, or all and none- i hope you are appreciated.