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inspired-by-the-music · 4 years ago

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For You: Stand By Me

Taglist: @jineunwootrash @angels-from-california @jayjaydawn

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Recommended Reading: For You: 4 O’Clock; these works have separate, independent, but deeply interwoven timelines.

Chapter 10: The Flower Who Bloomed in April

Sehun’s POV

Once upon a time, in a year I can’t remember, Lei wrote a note for my birthday that claimed, “All flowers bloom in April.” I guess I’m somewhat inclined to agree. That idea breaks through all of my thoughts and colors them a faint pink whenever winter melts into spring and all of nature seems to celebrate us.

I was considering that old note while pulling my car into the driveway of Lei’s house, which was too big for just her and her mother.

“What is this place?” Chanyeol asked, eyes bulging out of their sockets.

Aware that he wouldn’t rest until he received an answer, I said, “It’s Lei’s house,” and braced myself for his predictable (but still annoying) jokes.

Chanyeol almost laughed, and he reached over to ruffle my hair like I was a child. “I should have known that you’d have to visit your little girlfriend!”

The tips of my ears burned as I gnawed on my cheek. I didn’t say anything at first. After the incident at the SM Town concert when I made Lei cry, I decided to just let Chanyeol say whatever he wanted as long as she couldn’t hear. I decided not to waste my energy arguing with him.

I swallowed the uncomfortable lump in my throat. “I told you to drive yourself to your little fling’s house if you didn’t want to make stops.”

Chanyeol watched me grab the small gift box— which I asked Junmyeon to wrap— from the center console. I watched the smirk curl his lips with the realization, “Oh! It’s the princess’s birthday!” He cheered like he cared. “How old is she now?”

When I didn’t dignify him with a response as I forced the box into the pocket of my loose jeans, Chanyeol started to count the years aloud. “Okay, so if you’re turning 23 in two days, that must mean—”

“Eighteen,” I spoke flatly. “Lei is eighteen.”

“Eighteen,” Chanyeol repeated in a low whistle. “That’s crazy! You know, if we were in America, she would officially be an adult now.”

I squirmed in my seat. “Well, we’re not in America,” I reminded him. I told his obnoxious skeptical expression, “And it doesn’t matter how old she is. I’m not holding my breath until she’s an adult because, like I’ve told you a thousand times, we’re just friends.”

I almost said, “We’ll always be just friends,” but it didn’t seem like the right thing to say. Always— never— those words didn’t sound right about Lei except to say that I would always want to be good to her.

“I really don’t understand you.” Chanyeol drummed his fingers on the center console. “Doesn’t it kinda annoy you that there is only one girl who hasn’t been deterred by your resting bitch face—” I narrowed my eyes, and Chanyeol nodded— “yeah, that one!”

I rolled my eyes.

“Doesn’t it bother you that the only girl you’ve never run from— the only girl you’ve ever loved— is too young to be, like, your soulmate or something?”

“No,” I answered honestly, “because I don’t believe in soulmates.”

Probably because I didn’t deny loving Lei, Chanyeol’s jaw dropped. Once I believed that love is just wanting what’s best for someone, it wasn’t hard to admit that I loved Lei. I decided that it would be a shame to allow Chanyeol’s jokes or misunderstandings to pervert something so wholesome.

Although it wasn’t any of his business, I explained, “I’m not here to celebrate Lei’s passage into American adulthood or whatever the hell you’re thinking. Her Mom is still managing Super Junior’s tour abroad, so I promised Donghae that I wouldn’t let her be lonely all day.”

“What, so you’re gonna invite her to tag along with us again?” Almost a decade had passed since I took Lei to the Sanrio store for her tenth birthday, but Chanyeol clung to his grudge against us as if we left him alone in the arcade just yesterday.

I frowned at his childishness. “I doubt that Lei wants to waste her birthday by tagging along on our two-hour drive to your fling’s apartment. I’m just gonna give her a gift—”

“A kiss?” Chanyeol puckered his lips and made disgustingly exaggerated smacking sounds. He laughed while dodging my half-hearted attempt to swat at him.

I didn’t tell Chanyeol that I had gotten Lei a cherry blossom charm because then I would have had to tell him about the charm bracelet I got for her debut, and then he would joke about that too. I wasn’t a sensitive sort of guy— not usually, anyway— but I liked to avoid as many Lei jokes as possible.

I continued, “After I give her the gift, I’ll come right back out. Then I’ll drop you off at what’s-her-name’s place, and—”

“You should stick around,” Chanyeol urged for the thousandth time. “My girl has a friend, and—”

For the thousandth time, I responded, “I’m not interested.”

Chanyeol knew that I was opposed to dating even in the most casual sense of the word, yet he kept encouraging me to meet people who I didn’t want to meet. He kept encouraging me to kiss people I didn’t want to kiss— people who I could probably never develop any real attachment to— people who could probably never develop any real attachment to me. No matter how many times I swore that I wasn’t lonely— and even if I was, shallow physical relationships would fail to fill any void— he didn’t get I didn’t want to open myself up to women who would only ever be strangers.

Maybe I wasn’t opposed to falling in love with somebody who knew me and accepted me, but I was opposed to taking that first step into the unknown. Furthermore, I knew that I wouldn’t find my soulmate— if such a person existed despite my disbelief— through Chanyeol’s hookups.

Don’t misunderstand. I didn’t care that Chanyeol and others tried to fill their voids with people. It’s up to others to behave and experience life as they see fit. It’s not my place to determine whether their relationships are truly fulfilling. It’s just— I knew that kind of thing wasn’t for me. I had never experienced love at first sight, and I doubted very much whether it existed, and it was always clear to me that if I were ever to ‘find love’ — well, love would have to find me because I would never look first, especially not with everyone watching.

“I’m tired,” I said, and it wasn’t technically a lie, “so as soon as I drop you off, I’m going home.”

“Whatever.” Chanyeol shrugged. “If you ask me—”

Figuring that he, like Junmyeon, would try to impress upon me the importance of companionship, I said, “I’m not.”

Chanyeol continued anyway. “This is all a waste of time. I doubt that kid—” he was referring to Lei— “is lonely. I bet that boy with the big head—” he was referring to Lucas— “is in that giant ass mansion with her, eating cake, watching cartoons, or making out on the couch since the Super Junior dudes aren’t around to scare them apart.”

With his words, Chanyeol painted a vivid picture that I couldn’t quite erase from my mind. My stomach turned with my failed efforts, so I reminded myself aloud, “They’re just friends.”

“Believe what you want,” Chanyeol scoffed, “but something is going on. How else is our little princess wrapping him and you and who knows who else around her finger?”

“Just shut up and wait here.” I jumped out of my seat and slammed the door behind me before Chanyeol could say anything else to convince me to punch his face.

He rolled his window down to yell, “Jealousy is not becoming, Sehun!”

For the sake of preserving our friendship, I pretended not to hear him as I climbed the stairs and rang the doorbell. After minutes passed with no response, I figured that Lei had gone out with some friends. Although she claimed Lucas as the only cure for her loneliness, she had surged in popularity among other idols, so she could have been out with anybody. Pushing through my disappointment, I reached for my phone to text her and arrange some other time to meet— probably on my birthday.

Then, before I could press send, her voice beckoned from the other side of the door, “It’s open! Come in!”

She didn’t even ask me to identify myself. What if I was some crazed fan? Because it was her birthday, I suppressed my worry with the reminder that I wasn’t a crazed fan. I wasn’t a stranger. There was no real harm in trusting me.

Still, if she was going to be irresponsible while her Mom and Super Junior were away, I would have to appoint myself as her protector. I would have to drive by to check on her every day until their return; the daily check-in texts would do little to prevent her from inviting strangers into the house.

Nothing in Lei’s tone— except for the giggles, I realize in hindsight— prepared me for what I found behind the door. On the white couch, as if positioned to greet anyone who entered with a scene from nightmares, Lei was pinned under Lucas while SpongeBob played on the widescreen television. I tried to fix my gaze on the scattered cupcake wrappers on the coffee table, but I couldn’t. The scene wouldn’t have been so revolting if a.) Chanyeol hadn’t predicted it, b.) Lucas hadn’t been shirtless, and c.) Lei hadn’t been too busy giving Lucas her brightest smile to notice me, frowning in the doorway.

Maybe it’s best that she didn’t catch me staring at them. Maybe it’s best that she didn’t notice me until I regained my outward composure.

Once I realized that I was witnessing the last thing I ever wanted to see— what I was afraid happened behind closed doors— my heavy gaze crashed somewhere around my feet. In the reflective hardwood floor, I met my own downcast expression. Although I wanted nothing more than to forget how I looked in that moment, I couldn’t turn my head or raise my eyes without confronting the fear— the reality— of seeing Lei so close to, so engrossed with someone who—

Someone who wasn’t me.

My stomach lurched so violently with that thought that I gagged. I rushed to pack that thought, which was too jealous, selfish, embarrassing, and inappropriate to embrace, into a box in a dark corner of my mind where I could never find it again. The problem was that no matter how I tried to avoid that dark corner, I always wandered there with my eyes closed. The thought was strong enough to escape from its box, and it was smart enough to find me, and it was quick enough to chase me, and I was stupid enough to keep running long after it caught me.

I thought that my burning face, which must have been red, could have been cooled by the spring breeze. I thought that I would stop falling— I would stop sinking if I didn’t have to stand in the same room as their laughter. I would have bolted out of the house and away from the spiraling emotions that I never, never expected to experience, but I was paralyzed by Lei’s giggles filling the static air. I was numb with the desire to hear them still, even when I wasn’t the cause. Even when I needed to, I couldn’t walk away.

For a second, I think, my heart stopped. Once it started pounding again, I found the voice to ask, “What’s going on here?” It was lucky that anger— not whatever sadness nagged from that dark corner of my mind— was the primary emotion in my voice. At least, that’s what I told myself.

They stared at me with identical slackjawed, wide-eyed expressions, and I had to roll my eyes because the only alternative was to cry or something. I didn’t cry.

“Hey, Sehun!” Lei turned her smile to me, and I eagerly accepted what I couldn’t return until she hissed, “Get off, Lucas! Don’t you have any idea how bad this looks?”

Was it right to be proud of her for abandoning her laughter for the warning scowl that darkened her features? Was I proud of being the person who, by my voice or presence, forced that distance between her and others— even people like Lucas who I knew were good? Even when I reminded myself that I was just protecting her, I was stiff with guilt. It was my first time feeling that way. I didn’t like it.

“I don’t care how it looks!” Lucas transformed into a little kid when he pouted. He almost looked like Lei used to look. “Just lay still, and let me finish—”

“She said to get off,” I growled at Lucas, knowing that he wasn’t trying to cross inappropriate boundaries. He was completely innocent— almost to the point of stupidity— and I was perverting the situation by assuming the worst.

Lucas didn’t argue with me, though. He didn’t assert himself. He raised his hands in surrender, mouth falling open, and that’s when I saw that he was holding a black marker. That’s when I realized that I hadn’t interrupted any romantic moment. It was all a misunderstanding.

So why didn’t I feel better? Was the thought, the misunderstanding, the imagination that Lei had been close to somebody else terrible enough to ruin the day?

Lucas climbed off of her and stood straight as if to boast the handwriting (which I recognized as Lei’s) sprawled across his chest reading: LEICAS 4 EVA. Leicas— the word fans used to refer to their friendship and alleged romantic attraction. How foolish to make light of such rumors that could damage their reputations.

When Lei stood next to Lucas, I saw not only a tattoo identical to Lucas’s on her stomach, exposed under her white cropped shirt. Bright tattoos marked every inch of skin on her arms, legs, and even on much of her face. On one cheek was a sparkling silver heart drawn around the name Baek, penned by Baekhyun, no doubt. On the other was a larger, sloppier heart drawn around the name Ten. How childish.

As if attracted to the chance to deepen my scowl, Chanyeol barreled through the door. “Sehun, you promised you’d be right back! You said—” He fell silent at the sight of Lei. “What the hell happened to you, Princess?”

A blush broke out across the bridge of her nose as she scratched at the back of her neck. “Minseokie bought temporary tattoo markers and handed them out to all of the party guests so they could give me tattoos for my birthday! Apparently, he saw something in a movie, and—”

I blurted, “What the hell kind of movies is Minseok watching?”

And Chanyeol blurted, “Party guests?”

And Lucas told him, “Everyone’s out by the pool! Lei turns eighteen today!”

Chanyeol turned to me with a sick smirk as he repeated, “Eighteen, huh?”

I would have glared at him had I been able to tear my eyes away from Lei. Even while I glared at every mark on her body, I knew that the rage fuelling my every thought was an overreaction. I knew that I shouldn’t have wanted to scold Minseok for encouraging Baekhyun, Ten, Lucas, and everyone else at the party to make their mark on Lei.

“Come here!” Chanyeol called her toward us, holding his hand out for Lucas to give him the marker.

Because Lei and Lucas were foolish enough to obey, I had to intervene before Chanyeol could join the trend of writing on her. He probably would have written some insult on her skin for everyone to see, so I didn’t feel bad about snatching the marker and stuffing it into my pocket. “She’s a girl, not a piece of paper.”

“Come on, Sehun!” Chanyeol whined at my reaction before another smirk twisted his lips. “You’ll get your turn to mark the birthday girl!”

Lucas’s jaw dropped, and Lei grimaced, and I would have yelled at Chanyeol myself if Lei hadn’t beat me to it.

“Way to make it pervy, Chanyeol!” She rolled her eyes at him as she crossed her arms. When she rounded on her bare heels, deliberately whipping her ponytail, I caught the bright pink lettering on her shoulder reading, quite simply, “Yuta’s.” Something about that made my blood boil.

“Hey!” Kyungsoo’s deep voice preceded him. He stomped into the living room carrying a tray of uncooked meat and pointed his glare at me and Chanyeol. “Who invited you two?”

While I wondered just how many boys lurked around Lei’s house, Chanyeol retorted, “Well, it wasn’t you, Minseok, or Baekhyun!”

Kyungsoo didn’t bat an eyelash at Chanyeol’s harsh tone. Grinning faintly as he met Lei’s eyes, he shrugged. “Nobody ever invites Baekhyun, but he somehow manages to crash every party.”

Although nobody was looking at him, let alone talking to him, Lucas lowered his sunglasses over his eyes and chirped, “I like Baekhyun!”

“Anyway—” Kyungsoo resumed glaring at me and Chanyeol after smiling at Lucas— “I’m not going to allow you two to ruin the perfect pool party that Minseok and I planned for months at Manager Kim’s request!”

“Yeah?” Chanyeol’s eyes narrowed at Kyungsoo. “Well, we didn’t want to come to this stupid party anyway! Come on, Sehun!” He wrapped his hand around my arm and tried to pull me out the door that he left open, but I wouldn’t budge.

Tugging out of Chanyeol’s grip, momentarily forcing myself to pretend that others weren’t watching, I met Lei’s gaze head-on and said, “I didn’t mean to crash your party. I only wanted to tell you happy birthday. I didn’t mean—”

I didn’t mean to slip into a fight, but I didn’t say that.

“I didn’t know—”

When I pulled into the driveway, I didn’t know that I was walking into a situation where I would have to compete with Lucas and Baekhyun and Ten and Minseok and Kyungsoo and Yuta and who knows who else for her attention. Obviously, I didn’t say that either.

Chewing on my tongue, burning under everyone’s stares, I wheezed, “I’m sorry.” That was all I said those days. It never got easier.

Tugging at the ribbon in her hair, Lei said, “It’s okay, Sehun,” even though it wasn’t— even though my apology was incoherent. She tried to bite her smile as she said, “You can stay if you’re not busy.” I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t smile at me if she wanted to.

I would have dropped everything, said anything, done anything to inspire her to give me the smile that always used to be mine, but Chanyeol tried to speak on my behalf again.

Hands on his hips and thoroughly unapologetic, Chanyeol said, “Sorry to break it to ya, Princess, but your Prince Charming promised to drive me across town to meet up with my girl.”

“Your girl?” Kyungsoo and Lucas parroted. Lucas spoke with an open-mouthed grin, and (beneath his sunglasses) hearts probably gathered in his eyes. Meanwhile, Kyungsoo spoke through a tense frown, eyes devoid of everything but sheer annoyance.

For the first time I could remember, Lei was the first to look away. “Hey,” I said so quietly that nobody else in the room noticed. Lei heard, though, and she looked up instantly despite the distance between us. I said, “Don’t worry. I only make cross-town trips for true love.”

Her smile inspired my own even after Chanyeol focused his glare on me. I tossed my keys to him. “Feel free to take my car or call an Uber or something.”

“Are you serious?” He gawked at me when I nodded my head. “You’re staying? Just because she asked you to?”

Meeting Lei’s smile, I reasoned, “It’s her birthday,” but I knew that I would have done anything she asked any day of the year. Maybe that wasn’t how things had always been— or maybe it was— but I decided once and for all that I would be responsible for as many smiles as possible from then on.

As if he heard my silent vow, Chanyeol shook his head before shouting, “Well, I’m not staying!” He slammed the door on his way out.

When Lei winced at the sound, Lucas threw a protective arm around her shoulders. Watching her lean into his embrace, I wondered if she would have been comfortable enough to lean on me if I were the one standing by her side. Knowing that I would never reach out to her first, I tried to comfort her from afar by reminding her that she didn’t have to care about Chanyeol’s outburst.

I didn’t get the chance to say anything. Kyungsoo filled the silence. “If you’re going to stay, Sehun, do me a favor. Grab the other tray off the kitchen counter. And Lei—” his entire face changed— brightened— when he said her name. I wondered if I ever looked that happy when I said it. “Can you grab the cup of sliced watermelon and give it to Mark?”

Stepping out of Lucas’s embrace, Lei winked at Kyungsoo and saluted him. “You got it, Soo!”

Because he was usually opposed to being called anything other than Kyungsoo or D.O., I almost expected him to correct her or at least tell her not to wink at him. He didn’t. Kyungsoo winked back at her. “Lucas, can you come open the back door for me?”

Lucas ran to help Kyungsoo, and I followed Lei as she skipped into the kitchen. She spun behind the counter, grabbed the clear plastic cup containing sliced watermelon, and— after popping a piece into her mouth— caught me staring at her. Eyes widening, she held the cup out to me and offered through her mouthful, “Want one?”

I shook my head, and she shrugged, giggling, “Your loss, Sehun!”

She was set to dash out the back door, but she stopped when I asked, “Why don’t I have a nickname?”

“What?” She blinked at me, smile fading until I grinned at her. With my encouragement, she smiled that genuine smile that deepened her laugh lines and wrinkled her eyes.

“You call Minseok ‘Minseokie,’ Kyungsoo ‘Soo,’ and Baekhyun—” I pointed to the silver heart on her cheek— “‘Baek.’ So why am I just plain old Sehun?”

“I dunno.” She furrowed her brow and looked up at me. “What do you want me to call you?”

I mimicked her tone. “I dunno. I can’t come up with my own nickname, Lei.”

She pointed out, “You don’t call me by any nickname either. Chanyeol calls me ‘kid,’ and ‘princess,’ but you’ve always called me Lei.”

As if she didn’t know, I told her, “Chanyeol calls you those things just to be an asshole.”

She playfully gasped, “Language, Sehun!” She swatted at me and laughed when I cried out in exaggerated pain.

To get our conversation back on track, I said, “Everyone else calls you Lei.”

She said, “Well, you’re not everyone else to me, Sehun,” with such an emphasis on my name that I swear I felt it all at once— every emotion she ever spent on me. To this day, I haven’t stopped feeling it.

Trying to distract myself, I reached for the other tray that Kyungsoo piled high with meat. I tried not to cringe when I confessed, “I’ll always call you Lei because it’s the prettiest name I’ve ever heard.” And while she was busy gawking at me, I took the chance to run away in the futile hope of escaping further embarrassment.

I have always regretted leaving Lei alone in the kitchen because of how nearly impossible it was to get her attention outside where NCT boys seemed to multiply by the second. After dropping the tray off with Kyungsoo, who manned the grill while wearing a novelty apron whose punchline made no sense, I sat back in a lounge chair under an orange umbrella and tried to calm the weird palpitations in my chest.

From that chair, I watched Minseok make his rounds around the pool with a handheld camcorder. A smile grew on his face when we locked eyes, and he almost tackled one of the NCT kids— Taeyong, I think— on his way over to me.

Holding the camera just inches from my face, he asked, “Is there anything you wanna say to the birthday girl?”

I stuttered, “Um— happy birthday— Minseok, what are you doing?”

“I’m immortalizing the best pool party ever!” He whirled around to capture footage of Johnny leaping off of the diving board. “Oh, look!” He whirled around again to record Lei walking out of the house, cup of watermelon in hand. “Here comes the birthday girl!”

Her surprised expression was short-lived. Her free hand waved to the camera as she asked, “Aren’t you hot, Sehun?”

As a matter of fact, even when shielded by the umbrella, I was in danger of sweating to death. Still, I politely shook my head. “I’m fine, birthday girl.”

“You’re supposed to always call me Lei, remember?” Lei teased, and — of course— Minseok cackled as he filmed my resulting blush. “Seriously, Sehun, if you’re hot, you can borrow some swim trunks from Lucas’s room and jump in the pool.”

I repeated, “Lucas’s room?” but Lei didn’t respond, and Minseok didn’t film my stunned reaction because he was too focused on the boy who approached Lei.

“Whatcha doing there, Ten?” She took a cautious step away from him, and he batted his eyelashes as he smiled at her.

“Turn around, Lei,” he bossed. “I wanna give you another tattoo.”

Her bangs fell into her eyes when she shook her head. Cupping her cheek, she replied, “I think you gave me enough of a token to remember this day by, thanks.”

Minseok, Ten, and I snorted.

“I’m being serious this time,” Ten swore, smile melting into an earnest expression that almost anyone would fall for. “Turn around, and I’ll give you a serious tattoo.”

Lei rubbed the base of ner neck and averted her gaze from him. She said nothing until I urged, seeing that curious spark in her eyes, “Go for it.” She and Ten turned to face me, and I promised, “If he draws something stupid, I’ll mark it out.”

Ten brandished a glittering sky blue marker, and Lei turned her back to him with a weary sigh. “If you draw something stupid, Ten, I’ll kick your ass.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Ten grabbed Lei by the waist to pull her closer. When he glanced over at me and caught my cautionary scowl, he smirked. “You and your boyfriend have me absolutely terrified, Lei. I’ll be a good boy.”

“Boyfriend?” Lei repeated in a gasp. She looked back at Ten, followed his gaze to me, and went pink in the face. “Oh.” A tiny smile played on her lips after she looked away from me. She never reacted that way when people mistook Lucas for her boyfriend. “Get your facts straight, Ten. Sehun is my Guardian Angel. Don’t taint our pure loving friendship with your filthy mind.”

Minseok repeated, “Guardian Angel,” looking to me for a reaction. I shrugged and looked away from him, but my smile spoke for itself.

“Oh, I see.” Ten nodded, still smirking. “How sweet. Anyway, what do you want me to draw?”

Lei shrugged. “You’re the artist, aren’t ya?”

“Well, you didn’t like my last masterpiece.” Ten traced his thumb over his heart on her cheek and laughed when she swatted him away. “So help me out a bit here. What’s your favorite thing in the world?”

Again, Lei shrugged, and Ten turned to me. “Well, what do you think, Guardian Angel? What’s Lei’s favorite thing?”

I didn’t have to glance up to see its faint shape in the sky to know the answer. “The moon.”

“How ‘bout it, Lei?” Ten barely glanced at her smile before penning a small crescent moon on the nape of her neck. After dropping the marker into the pocket of his black swim trunks, he puckered his lips to blow air on the tattoo.

Before I could scold him (and Minseok for filming such promiscuity) Lei rounded on Ten. “That wasn’t a part of the deal, you pervert!”

The flames in her eyes should have scalded him, but Ten didn’t flinch as he hummed, “I dunno what you’re talking about, silly.” He was bold enough to smile at her, and something about that gesture slightly quelled the fire in her eyes. “I was just helping the ink dry!”

Unconvinced, Lei blinked at him, and Ten winked at her before strutting away. Peering into Minseok’s camera, she griped, “The nerve of some boys!” and giggled before walking off, I assumed, to find Mark and give him the cup of sliced watermelon.

I swear, Minseok winked at me before he left in pursuit of the next exciting exchange to immortalize on tape. As I sat back in my chair, trying to come to terms with the fact that I had just watched somebody flirt with Lei out in the open, Lucas crash-landed into the chair nearest to me.

The chair was far away enough that he had to raise his voice to talk to me. “If you’re hot, you can get some swim trunks out of my room.”

“Your room?” I raised an eyebrow at him, but he wasn’t looking at me.

“Yep.” He rested his hands behind his head. “My room has an Avengers poster on the door, so—”

I interrupted to ask, “You have a bedroom in Lei’s house?”

Lucas nodded like it wasn’t a big deal. When I rolled my eyes and started slipping into annoyance, Lucas swore, “My intentions— they’re still friendly.”

Flatly, I told him, “Friends usually don’t move in together as teenagers.” I don’t know how true that is, but I believed it when I said it.

“Then maybe my intentions are — what’s the word? — familial.”

When I didn’t respond except to cross my arms over my chest, Lucas leaned over his seat to whisper— if you can really call it a whisper when he talked so loudly, “There is nobody here that you should be jealous of. We’re all friends, and everyone knows that Lei is totally hot—” I grimaced— “and sure, some of us are dumb enough to try to take a shot with her, but we all know about her dating ban. We all know that she would only make an exception for one person. None of us have been dumb enough to believe even for a second that the exception would be us.”

I started to tell him that I wasn’t jealous of anybody, but the words died in my mouth when I caught him looking at me over his glasses as if to imply that I was the one for whom she would cast aside logic and principles.

Although Lucas hadn’t said so explicitly, I hissed, “You should do a better job of guarding her secrets.”

Leaning back into his seat, he replied, “She doesn’t consider her feelings for you a secret.”

I couldn’t argue because he was right. As if it were all too easy— as if she couldn’t keep the words to herself— as if she didn’t want to leave the words unsaid— she told me, “You’re the handsomest person I’ve ever seen,” and “I haven’t outgrown my crush on you,” and, “I love you,” and she said my name in that way that made my heart swell, and—

I almost think that if somebody loves you the way Lei loved me, you have to surrender to love too. Maybe not at first, maybe not all at once, but eventually all of those years of being loved so completely, so unconditionally— they surrounded me, and maybe I didn’t want them to end.

In that moment when I couldn’t quite admit that I would also make an exception for one person, I could admit that if Lei wanted to love me where the whole world could watch— if she wanted to follow me again— if she wanted to hold my hand in the dark again— if she wanted to lean on my shoulder and trust me with all of her troubles again— if she wanted to take the first step toward me, I would never again try to stop her.

I was distracted from my romantic thoughts by an ear-splitting scream, a loud splash, and Lucas scrambling to sit upright in his chair and yell, “Dude, Johnny, Lei can’t swim!”

I could only shake my head. How stupid to live in a house with a huge pool without learning to swim. Obviously, I set aside my frustration and fascination that Lei had lived through childhood to jump out of my chair. I would have dove into the pool— wearing my jeans with my phone and her gift tucked into the pockets— but I stood still once Lei resurfaced, clinging to Johnny. They laughed so hard that water shot out of their noses.

Once I sat back in my seat and started to catch my breath, I mentally cursed Lei for being so irresponsible. Maybe she could stand to be careless enough to laugh in the face of near-death, but I couldn’t stand to watch it. If I was going to love her— out loud or in that dark corner of my mind— she needed to be more careful for my sake.

As soon as she found her footing in the shallow waters, she struck Johnny’s arm once, twice, three times until— still laughing— he finally released her from his embrace and allowed her to climb out of the water.

Staring down at him from higher ground, she yelled, “You ruined my shirt, Johnny!” And she wasn’t wrong. The white cropped top— now translucent— clung to her body like a second skin.

“Sorry!” Johnny grinned at her, and— again— the rage in her eyes was extinguished. “I didn’t really think about that when I pulled you into the water.” Johnny was polite enough to train his eyes on her face, but I noticed that many of the other boys allowed their eyes to drift lower.

Lei must have noticed too. After sticking her tongue out at Johnny, earning more of his boisterous laughter, she retreated to an abandoned corner by the pool. After ensuring that nobody was watching, she peeled off the white shirt to reveal the top half of her black bathing suit. Somehow, to my disappointment, all of her tattoos remained intact after being submerged in water.

From his place in the center of the pool, where he laid in a pink donut-shaped inner tube, Baekhyun whistled, “Take it off, Lei!”

When all heads turned to her at Baekhyun’s urging, she pressed the soaked shirt flat against her chest and dashed toward me and Lucas. It was kind of funny, charming in a way, that she could be so modest at a pool party where everyone— excluding me, Kyungsoo, and Minseok— was proudly shirtless.

Lucas said, “She’s really something, isn’t she?”

My face burned scarlet with the realization that anybody could have caught me staring at her. Anybody could have misinterpreted my motivations. Before I could say anything to Lucas, Lei was in earshot. I had to swallow my embarrassment.

“Move over, Lucas,” she wheezed, standing over him. When he only grunted in response, she frowned and climbed over one of his legs— which were placed on either side of the chair— to sit between them. She crossed her legs and turned her back to the pool.

“Are you asleep or something?” Lei leaned forward to lift his sunglasses, but Lucas swatted her hand away.

“No,” he answered, “I’m just trying to relax, and—” Lei lifted his sunglasses anyway, and Lucas whined, “back up, dude! You’re dripping pool water all over me!”

“Boohoo,” Lei mocked, poking her bottom lip into a pout. “I just got yanked into the pool by goofball Johnny, and then Baekhyun saw my bathing suit, and—”

“Dude.” Lucas’s calm voice thawed the anxiety etched into Lei’s features. More than ever, it was clear why they were close. “You look great! Calm down a bit.”

Lei raised her eyebrows uncertainly, tracing one of the tattoos on her thigh. “Really? You think I look great?”

Something about that bothered me. Did Lei have no idea that she was beautiful? Did the voices of those bullies from her trainee days still follow her? Had she fallen into the trap of reading online hate comments?

I didn’t know, and I never would have known how to approach the topic. I never would have known how to convince her that she was radiant inside and out. I get that beauty is usually one of those subjective concepts, but, objectively, Lei was beautiful. Anyone could have seen it from her ability to draw everyone’s attention without saying a word.

“Yeah!” Lucas assured her with a smile. “Who knows how many people were checking you out!”

I knew that he was eyeing me behind his reflective lenses, so my eyes darted away from their scene to look up at the sky.

Lei clicked her tongue. “I don’t want people to check me out—”

Before she could finish her complaint and I could feel culpable for my part in making her so neurotic, Kyungsoo tripped toward us, flip-flops slapping against the wet pavement. “I heard a scream and a splash and Baekhyun’s whistle! I would have come to check on you earlier, but the pork— I—” His eyebrows twitched as he took in Lei’s disheveled appearance. “What happened to you?”

Lei seemed reluctant to fuel Kyungsoo’s protective rage. She passed her shirt to Lucas and mumbled, “Wring that out, please.”

I knew that Kyungsoo would stand there, crossing his arms and tapping his foot, until he received an answer, and then lunch would never be finished. Stomach growling, I rose to my feet, grabbed the towel that was draped over the back of my chair, and took a protective stance behind Lei to shield her from curious stares drifting her way from the pool.

Dropping the folded towel onto Lei’s lap, I told Kyungsoo, “Johnny pulled Lei into the deep end of the pool, and—”

“WHAT?” Kyungsoo’s face went white before burning crimson. “But Lei can’t swim!”

Lei forced a smile. “I’m okay, Soo. Johnny kept a hold on me the whole time, and—”

Kyungsoo didn’t seem to hear her. He waddled to the edge of the pool, formed a megaphone around his mouth with his hands, and announced, “Attention, party people!”

In the process of lowering my head in embarrassment, I noticed that Lucas was wringing Lei’s shirt with unnecessary force. Lei was too busy drying her hair with the towel to notice and correct him, so I set to unbuttoning my shirt to offer it to her.

“Do NOT pull people into the pool— especially not the birthday girl! If you do, Minseok will tell you to get out and go home!” Kyungsoo gestured to Minseok, who forced his smile into a threatening glower that probably threatened nobody before Baekhyun yelled, “You don’t scare us!”

Minseok took a step toward Baekhyun, eliciting a scream. I rolled my eyes, and Kyungsoo shook his head before walking back to the grill.

“Lucas!” Lei shrieked and snatched her shirt from him. When she held it against her chest, what once fit perfectly was now two or three sizes too large. “What did you do?”

His only response was, “Oops.”

Lei launched the balled-up shirt at his chest, and her visible disappointment only faded when I, stifling my laughter, dropped my unbuttoned shirt over her shoulders. The sky blue fabric suited her better than me; it made sense that she should keep it, then.

She turned around, looked up at me with wide eyes, and said, “Thank you, Sehun.”

The voice that she spoke to me with was softer than the one she trusted to Ten, Johnny, Minseok, Kyungsoo, and — yes— even Lucas. Something about that made my heart swell.

I nodded to say, “You’re welcome,” because I couldn't string two words together to make a sentence when Lei was looking at me like that.

“Wow, man!” Lucas beamed at me too. “You’re a real hero!”

When Lei turned away from me to laugh at Lucas’s reaction, I crossed my arms over my plain white t-shirt. I guess I was disappointed yet again by her fleeting attention. I just didn’t hold it like I used to.

She frowned at her shirt in Lucas’s hands. “Well, you might as well just throw it away now.”

“Throw it away?” Lucas hugged the shirt against his bare chest. “Just because it doesn’t fit you anymore doesn’t mean it should end up in the trash!”

Lei’s eyebrows shot up at his passionate argument. “What? Do you want it or something?” Lucas nodded his head eagerly, and Lei shrugged before giving him his way. “Whatever. Just don’t hang it up in my closet when it’s your turn to do the laundry.”

“Yay!” Lucas squealed as he flew off of the chair. “Thanks, Lei!”

Smiling, she watched him dash into the house. Then, she took his place in the chair. She pressed her back against the chair, crossed her legs, and draped the towel over them before looking up to see that I was no longer behind her. I was before her. She gasped, raised her hands to shield her eyes from the sun, and the sleeves of my shirt— which were too big for her— slid down her arms.

“Hey, Sehun.” She couldn’t quite smile while squinting her eyes. “Having fun?”

I moved a few steps to the left to block out the sun, and she lowered her hands and laid them flat in her lap.

“I’m having a blast.” Was I being sarcastic? Probably. But I was happy to spend time with her then with few distractions.

“Aren’t you tired of standing?” She tilted her head aside. Patting the space on the chair before her, she suggested, “You can sit with me if you want. Or you can grab that chair over there, and—” She bit on her tongue in surprise when I sat on the edge of her chair at the earliest invitation.

Glancing around at the thriving party, I observed, “You have a lot of friends.” Of course, I knew it, but knowing it in theory was a lot different from seeing it in real life.

“They’re nice.” She smiled, but her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. It reminded me of the void in her chest that she tried to fill with Lucas. It reminded me of the secret that, at least in Donghae’s mind, threatened to clear out this gathering of flirtatious well-wishers.

Suddenly, she sat up straight and motioned for me to move closer. “Come here, I have to tell you a secret.”

Forgetting for a moment that I didn’t want to learn another secret for the rest of my life, I obeyed her. She whispered, “I think they like me because a.) I have a pool, and b.) no matter how much they flirt, I’ll never give in. You know, some people are into that— chasing somebody they can never catch.”

She was flirting with me, I realized, when she winked to mask the blush staining her face.

I tried to flirt back. “Are you into that?”

When she sighed, dropped our eye contact, and forced another smile, I realized that she did not yet know that she caught me. It was still the beginning of reimagining her. It was the beginning of the heart-fluttering moments. I didn’t know where the road into the unknown would lead, but I saw no option other than to follow it— to follow her.

She said, “I was raised to never chase after boys. I’ve only ever followed one—” she nudged me— “and I promised not to do that anymore.”

Even without her pointed touch, I would have known that she was talking about me. Despite the deflation in my chest, I praised her. “Good. Don’t follow anybody. Continue on your path, and if somebody wants to walk with you for a while—”

When she poked my cheek, I realized that I was frowning. Her frown mirrored mine. “Don’t look like that, Sehun. It hurts my feelings.”

For her, I forced a smile, and she laughed an airy sort of laugh. “I dunno why you’re so sentimental today, but—” her eyes widened— “oh.”

“Oh?” My forehead wrinkled. “Oh what?” My heart raced with the fear that she was seeing me clearly.

“We’re on the same path right now.” She smiled, and my heart raced with the hope that she was seeing me clearly.

“We’ve always walked together,” I told her. “It’s just—”

Seeing that I had gone stiff with anxiety, she said, “It’s okay, Sehun. I understand.”

I couldn’t quite believe that she understood, but because I didn’t know the words to explain my feelings, I didn’t say anything.

“It’s probably not going to last.” She didn’t frown, and I couldn't understand how she could smile while saying, “It— we— I know that we won’t be in the same place at the same time forever, but I’m so happy that you’re here now.”

She was crushing me under the weight of an unfamiliar sadness, but I promised, “I’m happy too,” and it wasn’t a lie.

Still smiling, she said, “You can walk with me anytime, Sehun.”

I can’t explain why remembering that makes me want to cry. She was saying something kind— loving— but her words felt so much like a goodbye. Maybe they were a goodbye to days that were already past— the days when she followed my shadow. It felt so much like she would fade or fly away or find another path or another companion if I took the time to blink.

Fear prompted me to grab her hand as if that touch would keep her within arms reach, within eyesight, with me. Her eyes were rounded and filled with every shining star, and I— I had to look away. I had to play off the act of pure affection by digging the tattoo marker out of my pocket.

“I thought you were opposed to marking me like I’m a piece of paper,” she teased.

Probably blushing, I scoffed. “It’s different when I do it.”

She asked her favorite question: “Why?”

“Because I love you,” I almost said, “and I have to show it somehow.”

Instead, I shrugged, closed my eyes, and tried to think of a drawing that would compete with— no, triumph over all of the others on her body. Ideas didn’t come easily. I didn’t watch dramas or read romance novels or even listen to romantic music that much (or at all), so I had to card through my memories until I remembered a craft I did on Valentine’s Day in the third grade.

Then, we dipped our thumb in red paint and pressed it twice to a piece of paper to make a heart to give to our parents. The idea was profound enough, I guess, since it relied on the concept that like no two fingerprints are identical, no two loves are identical.

Bearing that in mind, I coated my thumb with the marker’s black ink and softly pressed a heart into the skin on the back of Lei’s hand.

I watched her smile at the symbol. Just because I was curious to see whether she would react to me the way she reacted to Ten, I raised her hand to my lips and blew on the heart. She didn’t swat at me, glare at me, flinch away, or say anything. She just watched me.

Maybe Lucas was right. Maybe she would make any exception for me. That probably wasn’t wise or safe, so why did her lapse in judgment make me so happy?

“Okay,” she hummed. She snatched the marker before taking my hand in hers. “Your turn!”

Within the blink of an eye, she had placed her heart on my hand. I wanted to carry it everywhere with me. I wanted to boast it to everybody, but I didn’t know how to do that. I didn’t know who to tell. I didn’t know what to say to make them understand how much it meant to me.

Something about the electricity in Lei’s touch— something about the thought that the heart would fade from sight— sent me springing to my feet with the blurted excuse, “I’m not feeling well.”

It wasn’t a lie. Suddenly, my heart was pounding in my chest, ringing in my ears, and my stomach was knotting and rising and sinking, and my palms were sweating, and there was a lump in my throat, and I was sick. I fished the gift box containing the cherry blossom charm for the bracelet that she still wore— that I hoped she would always wear— out of my pocket. Careful not to allow our skin to touch, almost afraid of the shock, I left it in her palm.

I ran into the house, regretting that I sent Chanyeol away with my keys until I found him sitting on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table.

Through a mouthful of blue icing, Chanyeol asked, “Are you done now?” He glanced over at me and sat upright. “Hey, are you alright? Your face is a little green.”

I shook my head. “I’m sick. I’m going home.”

“Okay. Let’s go, then.” He snatched my keys off the table and stood from the couch. “I was gonna leave, but I don’t know how to drive a stick shift, and—” When I reached out for the keys, he offered, “I’ll drive if you don’t feel good.”

I assured him that I was fine before beelining to the car, keys in hand.

Chanyeol was quiet until I raised my hand to the steering wheel. The moment he saw the heart, he broke into brain-rattling, side-splitting laughter. “Wow.” He wiped amused tears from the corners of his eyes. “I remember doing that craft in, like, first grade. Your girlfriend is real creative.”

Something in my stomach fluttered, and I don’t think I liked it. Tightening my grip on the wheel, I instantly retorted, “It was my idea.” I should have said, “She’s not my girlfriend.”

Chanyeol noticed my mistake. “Oh,” he nodded his head sagely, “so she is your girlfriend!”

My face flushed, and my heart pounded again, and all I could think to say was, “Shut up, Chanyeol.”

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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What were your favorite things to draw when you were a lil kid? I knew I wasn’t an artist the moment I started experimenting with pens and markers, and the only image I liked to keep - and was capable of - drawing on repeat was your usual kid’s portrait of a house with a sun and clouds lmao. I never learned how to draw anything else.

Do you think there is something with or around you, like a spirit, angel, ghost or something else? How does this make you feel? No, never.

Imagine you’re a stranger looking at yourself. What things would immediately catch your eye? Probably the way I’m scowling at stranger-me staring at me-me.

When did you feel the most confident in your life? Not sure when I’ve felt the most confident, but I typically feel so whenever I get something I’ve been desiring and working hard for, like getting a job offer or being accepted to my dream college or passing a really difficult exam.

Do you think love is needed to have good sex? For some people, no. For me, loving one another is an absolute must. < Yes, hits the nail on the head for me.

Do you think, or want to, die in the city you currently live in? I don’t think it would matter where I die, as long as it’s not from a terrible freak accident.

What is the strangest thing you have ever encountered? That time I went to Singapore and a sex toy shop was casually blatantly standing in the middle of Orchard Road for families to stroll pass. It’s not objectively strange, of course, but it was definitely a big culture shock. Putting up sex shops in the Philippines is basically a game of who can find the best spot to hide them in.

Favourite soft drink? I never drink soda, so I don’t have a favorite.

What do you like to put gravy on? Fried chicken or steak.

Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? Yes, in Palawan.

What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? I come from a line of datus from both precolonial and colonial Philippines. The most exciting part about it is that it technically makes me a princess, or at least our local version of princesses haha. I’m also distantly related to one of the three women who sewed the first Philippine flag.

Who depends on you the most? Kimi and Cooper, surely.

Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? See two questions above. Coming from my datu ancestors, my relatives also continue to serve in the local government of our family’s province until today. Not that I’m particularly proud of them or show this off whenever I want because they are all very vocal Duterte supporters and regularly engage with him and his family, so *barf*

Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? If it ever comes down to it, I’d offer one of mine to my dad, Angela, and either of her parents.

What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? They recognize when they’re wrong and know to acknowledge it and apologize.

What three things do you think of most of each day? Tasks I have to do for work for the day, tasks I have to do for the rest of the week, and financial concerns.

Does/did your high school have pop machines? No, of course not. Are there schools that are ok with selling soda? :/

Do you know anyone who’s won the lottery? Not that I know of, but then again these things are shared in secret so there’s always that chance of possibly knowing someone who won the lotto at some point.

Have you ever slept in a water bed? Never slept but I’ve played on one.

How often do you use Flickr? I haven’t visited that site since I was like 11. Not even sure it still exists.

Who is the last child that you took a photo with? I think my cousin Toffe, but it was most likely a family photo that the two of us happened to be in. I don’t have a lot of photos with my younger cousins and kids in general.

How often do you wear hats? Never. I always think about getting a bucket hat of my own but I just never go through with it.

Would you ever get a nature tattoo? I never even entertained the thought before. But considering Hayley’s albums and songs have like a million references to flowers, it sounds like a good idea now :)

Is anyone in your family sick at the moment? My paternal great-grandma was recently confined in a hospital but she’s been discharged. I have a grand-aunt who suffered a mild stroke a couple of weeks ago and is currently recovering.

Where do your siblings work, if anywhere? They are both still studying. If I had to guess, my sister would probably end up in the film, media, or advertising industry, if not a freelance artist.

Where is your favorite place to buy groceries? If I had the money for it I’d get my groceries at Marketplace, but I’m content with getting ours from SM or Robinsons for now.

Who do you generally talk to the most? Probably my immediate family and my team at work.

Is anyone saved in your phone under a nickname? Not anymore. I use nicknames on my friends more frequently on Facebook Messenger.

Whose birthday is coming up? One of my cousins’ birthday is on March 31.

Have you ever ordered from an informercial? No, never.

When, where, and why did a needle last pierce your skin? Around a month ago when I was embroidering. I usually accidentally prick myself from time to time.

Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? Nah, not really my idea of fun. I’m a little weak at problem/riddle-solving :(

How many followers do you have on Instagram? I literally never use my Instagram except to lurk and look for influencers to potentially tap for work. The account was initially my one-photo-a-day-in-2020 dump, but I stopped in April last year and now we’re in 2021 it doesn’t even serve a purpose anymore lmao. But for some reason Bea asked for my account and still followed me (and is the only person following me), which I’m sure she already regrets.

What’s the most recent music video you watched? Thoughts? Continued the next day. Jessi’s What Type of X. Killed it as always.

Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? Never.

What makeup products are your go-tos? None.

Are you going to school this year? No, not anymore. I did that for the very last time in 2020, and I don’t see the point in going back for an MA because I feel like I’m already covered.

What is your favorite water activity? I’ve only ever tried kayaking, but that was a very pleasant memory.

What are your favorite video games? I’m not a super passionate video game fan who’s always up-to-date, but I do have a soft spot for games I bonded on with my family when I was a kid, like Grand Theft Auto (very inappropriate for a kid to be playing, I know lol), Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Mario Kart, and Smash Bros.

Do you like jello? I never got over the texture, so no.

When was the last time you gave someone "the finger?" Not sure when exactly but it happened recently, maybe a week or two ago. I suddenly thought about my ex and flung both fingers around just for myself lol.

Have you ever held a snake? Yes, I got the chance to hold and take a photo with one on my trip to Bali. I was the only willing one in the family.

Most unique place you’ve ever been to? Baker’s Hill in Palawan is what I would imagine seeing if I ever took drugs and had a trip of some sort. Most random place ever.

If you were a superhero, what color would your cape be? Continued from...I don’t even know anymore. Just know it’s been nearly a week since I first started this, lmao. Idk maybe gold.

Have you ever slept out on your porch all night? We don’t have a porch. We do have a rooftop and I’ve fallen asleep there a couple of times. I only do so when the climate is cold, though.

Do you like horror movies? Sure, but I haven’t watched any in years. Just have never been in the mood for it for a long while now.

What’s your favorite Coke product? Blech, I hate soda.

Watergun or water-balloon war? Water gun. I’ve never been hit by a water balloon but I imagine it hurts?? so I wouldn’t want to experience it if I never had to.

Do you know anyone that’s afraid of elevators? I know my sister and grandma are claustrophobic but they’re not ~deathly~ afraid of elevators.

Is there anything in your room that belongs to a boyfriend, or a friend of the opposite sex? I don’t think any of my guy friends have lent me stuff that I got to take home, so no.

Who’s your favorite Beatle? I was never a fan. I remember pretending to be, back when liking The Beatles made you look all cool and hippy and trendy... but I honest to god just couldn’t get into their music.

Have you ever texted an ex whilst drunk? How’d that go? Yeah just once, super super way back when I was still thought remaining friends with her was the way to go. It was fine, I didn’t message anything horrific and we were both chill about it the next morning.

Do you have to stand on your tip-toes to kiss your boyfriend? I don’t have a partner anymore but yeah, I used to. I think? Maybe? I barely remember anymore. I definitely did have to tilt my head up quite a bit, though.

Have you ever been tackle-hugged? I can’t remember if I’ve received one. I’m usually the one who gives them.

Have you ever rejected someone’s kiss before? I don’t think I’ve been in this situation before.

Is your mood or the overall tone of your day often affected by the dreams you had the night before? Just for like the first half hour of waking up, especially if it was a nightmare or a triggering dream. The more I wake up the more the dream fades away, and the sillier it feels that I was affected by it.

Do you think that there are any positive aspects or outcomes of suffering from a mental illness? If you have a mental illness, do you think it has changed you for the better in any way? No. Sugarcoating mental illness doesn’t sit well with me at all. I know I’ve learned to be gentle and understanding towards other people because of the emotional abuse I’ve received in my own relationships, and I absolutely hate that it’s because of mental illness. I shouldn’t have had to learn to be kind because I was treated shittily first.

What is your opinion on celebrity culture and celebrity worship? Have you ever been guilty of putting a celebrity on a pedestal? Do you think it’s somehow more acceptable/understandable to obsess over certain types of celebrities (musicians over YouTubers, say) than others? At what point do you think an obsession like that crosses the line? I sometimes think it’s silly when fandoms fight and defend their favorites as if they know them personally, but I’m heavily into my fair share of celebrities and I honestly don’t see anything wrong with it. As long as you’re not hurting anyone or doing anything stupid like stalking your favorites, you do you.

If you were to pursue a career in photography and had the opportunity and means to photograph whatever you wanted, what would most like to photograph? People.

Is there a certain type of clothing (outerwear, activewear, loungewear, etc.) that you enjoy shopping for more than others? Cute tops.

Are you ever afraid to post your ideas, artwork, photography, etc. online for fear that they will get stolen or not credited? No, because I am not even creative in the first place and can’t make any form of art to save my life.

When is the last time you did something sexual? Last night.

Who is the last person you showered with, if anyone? My ex but that would’ve been ages ago. It was super rare that we absolutely had to shower together.

What do you think when you see roadkill on the side of the road? Sad and kinda disgusted if the guts are out, but also relieved that they don’t have to suffer in pain anymore.

Have you ever had an ex that just didn’t understand that it was over? Yeah, me. Luckily I came to my senses a few months ago and have felt better and been better ever since.

Are your fingernails currently short or long? They’re unequal lengths because I’ve been either biting or picking at them over the last few weeks, but for the most part they are long enough to need to be clipped.

Would you rather have big or small dogs? Big.

What is your favorite sports drink? I don’t drink any of them, so none.

What was the last compliment you gave a guy? I told my dad the dinner he made tasted excellent.

Does your jaw ever crack, pop, or lock? I don’t think my jaw has ever made a sound before, hahaha.

Have you ever thought of how you would give your kids “the talk”? No, but I think it’s also relevant to note that I live in a very conservative country where sexual intercourse is never discussed, especially within families; and that it’s virtually unheard of to hear of people until my generation to have been given the talk. I had to find out all by myself, and I remember being very confused when we were being taught the reproductive system in fifth grade because they only taught about the organs and their functions, and never anything deeper than that.

Luckily the last conservative generation was Gen X, and younger generations have been a lot more open-minded. And if I had to guess, I’m fairly certain Millennial parents would be more willing to give their kids the talk.

Do you ever feel like you’re missing out on something? I mean, my 20s, thanks to Covid.

Do you ever write/draw on windows that are fogged up? Yes.

If you were married, and your spouse’s parents became ill, would you let them move into your home? Of course.

Have you screamed in a pillow before? Probably.

What do you like more, acoustic or electric? Electric.

Did you actually have a cookie jar? No.

What’s worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you? Disappointment is more gut-wrenching. I feel more hopeless and helpless when someone feels that way about me.

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails? Definitely my nails. Lip-biting isn’t a habit of mine and I only ever bite my tongue accidentally.

Do you think that knowing when and how you’re going to die would ruin your life? No. I would find that comforting, actually.

Do you have a favorite bromance? From TV or a movie. J-Man and Channy’s from Friends.

Do you find flea markets and thrift stores enjoyable? Sure.

What color is your wallet? Pink, but I def have to buy a new one soon as I’m still using the one my ex gave me...

Have you ever been somebody's photography subject? No, and I would hate to be. I don’t like being in front of the camera.

Nicki Minaj fan? I like a lot of songs by her but I’m by no means a fan.

Have you ever seen the Niagara Falls? Nope but I would love to.

#survey #surveys

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