#and she supports me when i need it bc of my autism and other disabilities

[thedevilandhisbride]

this post is about how much i love my mom.

i love my mom a lot.

thanks for reading. :]

[spacexfucker]

I had people in an autistic group on fb try to claim that their need for quiet (in public) superceded other disabled people's right to exist in public (if those people couldn't be quiet. Bc of things like stimming or meltdowns or tics). Most of the people in that group all agreed that "if you can't be respectful, you shouldn't be there". They tried to claim that bc intrusive sound can hurt them, people who cannot be quiet should be forced to stay home.

This is why I hate a lot of autistic spaces. Because they are full of people with opinions like this. People that believe that their comfort matters more than someone else's right to take public transport or be at the library or be at the park.

Because there's a lot of autistic people who believe that if you're too autistic or autistic in a "bad" way, that you should be isolated.

And when I tried to explain that autistic people like my daughter cannot control her stimming or the level of her voice in a meltdown, I had people telling me that I should keep her at home. That she's should have to be isolated so that other people wouldn't have to deal with the uncomfortable sounds.

When I said it was their responsibility to find ways to cope in public spaces, they said it was mine to "control (my) daughter". Many people said that I "just needed to work with her on this". And when I explained that even if it was something that could be addressed and something she could control, she still deserved to be in public in the meantime, they disagreed.

I'm autistic. But I'm low support. My daughter is high support. Before she was born, I thought autistic spaces were safe. It was nice finding people like me. But now that I'm older and have a high support kid, I'm realizing that a lot of those spaces aren't safe. And that they're filled with low support people who haven't unlearned any abelism except the kind that effects them specifically. That those spaces are bad at best for high support autistic people and straight up dangerous at worst.

There IS a difference between people diagnosed young and late diagnosed people. And the internalized abelism late diagnosed people have and their desire to be accepted as autistic very frequently hurts the most vulnerable of us. High support autistic people who depend on caretakers and alternative communications should absolutely not be isolated. And it causes harm to even imply they should be.

How you feel in public places around other people and how they sound or look is something you have to personally navigate, not something you can shame others into isolation for.

Those same people on other posts would talk about how disabled people used to not get to be in public and then turn around and say this shit with zero reflection.

They would wax on and on about how you shouldn't force someone to stop stimming and how we needed to make stimming accepted but would turn around and say that "well, if it's too loud or too much for others, you should get them to stop". Zero sense of irony.

Autism is not only your experience. It is not just masking and freeing yourself from it. It is not only quirky but reasonable behavior. It's not just being awkward in social situations. So many late diagnosed and low support autistic people still retain large amounts of abelism. You cannot just unpack it for yourself. You have to unpack it for us all.

[spurgie-cousin]

Hi! This is kinda random but do you've any opinion about Fathering Autism?

I'm only vaguely aware of them, tbh I avoid channels like that bc that kind of content just makes me uncomfortable for multiple reasons. From my understanding, that channel is run by parents with a non-verbal autistic child who needs considerable daily support, and they basically focus their content around her and what her daily life consists of (correct me if I'm wrong though again, I don't watch them).

On one hand I really do believe education around autism is important, esp regarding individuals who have high support needs and in a general sense, I don't have a problem with people trying to normalize that. I also get that parents in similar situations see that content and not only relate to it but maybe feel less alone or learn more about daily care for their own family members, etc.

But content that is centered around minors exclusively already makes me uncomfy, so add the layer of having a disability that makes it even more difficult to understand the full scope of the internet and I just personally am not into it. Even when the individual is an adult, it just feels like a complete invasion of their privacy tbh because so often the accounts that go viral rely a lot on shock value to get big audiences. Like idk if any of you guy's saw that whole scandal this summer around an autistic kid named Cash and his mom who was "documenting" her life trying to parent him, which included a lot of outbursts and super private moments of his. And at first she gets a large audience of sympathetic parents, only to find out she was 100% exploiting this kid and according to the other parent, purposefully antagonizing him for content.

So yea idk it would maybe be different if the daughter's autism was just kind of a side note in their overall story, but her being the main focus makes me go 😬. But also I don't watch them at all so maybe I'm just being overly judgmental.

[celiaelise]

Did anyone else ever watch the TV show "Alphas"? My family watched it while it aired, (over ten years ago) and I haven't seen it since. I think it only had one season, maybe two. It was a drama about people w superpowers. Not the most original in many ways, but I remember finding it very compelling. I think it was on SyFy? Not sure lol.

There was one character who canonically had autism, I think his name was Gary? And he was your standard TV show white autistic boy, whose superpower was tech-related. But I remember liking how respectfully he was treated by both the narrative and the other characters, even when his support needs were inconvenient for them.

I also remember feeling like none of the "Alphas" were nuerotypical, and their powers were kind of used to illustrate that. My favorite was a young Indian-American girl named Rachel, whose abilities were heightened senses. But they emphasized how that functioned as a disability for her, because she couldn't interact with the world the same way as everyone else, because she was hypersensitive.

Her love interest was this boring angsty white man, but he was always really considerate about accommodating her. When they first met, he thought she didn't like him bc he noticed she kept a distance between them, but, when he learned it was because the smell of his soap/body spray was overwhelming to her, he bought a bunch of mild/ unscented products, and asked her to choose which was most tolerable to her. (They were superhero coworkers, so they were around each other a lot.)

When they admitted their feelings, she confessed being distressed about the possibility that they might never be able to be very physically intimate, due to how her senses can become overwhelmed. And he's like, "i understand and that's cool with me, i just want to date you bc i like you!"

Of course it would've also been fine if he was like, "a physical relationship is important to me, so this isn't what I'm looking for." But the way they did it was kind of groundbreaking to me? Like, to see someone's debilitating sensory issues portrayed as not a problem or a joke, but a personal boundary to be respected?

Anyway, I don't remember the plot at ALL, but I do remember being touched by the compassion with which the characters were treated

[abstractlesbian]

Thinking about how insane it is that getting diagnosed with bpd has significantly improved my relationship with my mom

Like some credit to all the therapy and support groups and life coach shit she was doing in 2020 that obviously made a positive impact on how she treats people too

But like she went from being so antagonistic towards me and openly telling me I was not loveable as a kid, teen, or adult

To her being very supportive and kind and empathetic * towards me after I got this diagnosis?? She actually treats me like a human being with my own feelings now instead of as an annoyance/embarassment/obstacle?? And it's not just an "I'm an adult not a child now" thing BC this change happened when I got the diagnosis at 26. Fucking night and day how she treated me before and after.

And like. I guess it makes sense with how she tried to get me diagnosed with everything under the sun starting at age 2** and now she finally has "an answer" to what's "wrong with me".

It's the same with how she HATED me being gnc/masc until I came out as nonbinary now she's fully onboard and stopped passive aggressively buying me pink clothes etc.

Idk why her mind works like that she needs a label before she can be supportive?

*she still can be manipulative esp when money is involved and still tries to turn my siblings and I against each other and is extremely reluctant to admit when she's done something hurtful etc etc she's not perfect she's still my mom, but we like have a relationship now and enjoy spending time together sometimes and going to her for support no longer feels like playing Russian roulette

** genuinely think my love of puzzles games and escape rooms comes from all the learning disability/autism/ADHD testing I did. Yess give me patterns to decode and strings of numbers to memorize and block puzzles love that shit.

[eternalravendreamer]

Let me tell y'all about Mrs. Herr.

Be me, in 3rd grade, at...let's call it L.Elementary school. The school district had 4 elementary schools, and which one you went to was based on which one was closest to your address. Anyway, I was entering 3rd grade after having an absolute saint of a woman as my homeroon teacher in 2nd grade, I still consider her one of my personal heroes. Unfortunately for me, this would not be the case for 3rd grade.

Because my homeroom teacher was Mrs. Herr.

Mrs. Herr was one of those teachers who wanted the students to do exactly as she said, down to the last detail. Any deviation feom her instructions was considered acting out.

Which when you're a kid who doesn't know how social cues or the expectations of adults work, is really fuckin hard.

I would get shouted at for every little thing I did "wrong", usually the result of not yet being diagnosed. But the time that still sticks in my mind all this time later is this:

- Mrs. Herr tells us to write down our homewrork in our little homework logs

- I realize there's so much written with long words that I'll run out of space

- I decide to write it down in shorthand to save space. Page became pg., for example

- Mrs. Herr sees and gets mad at me for doing this

- I expalin why I did it

- She tells me I should just write smaller and rips the page out of my log and tears it to pieces in from of me before telling me to do it again "the right way this time"

- I get upset and run to hide under a table to cry, which had become a habit due to incidents just like this (the table was big enough for me to fit under but short enough that adults couldn't pull me out from under it)

My Mom was called, especially bc while I was crying under the table I drew a picture about it and included my parents getting mad at Mrs. Herr for me, which Mrs. Herr apparently decided was me, a 9 year old, threatening her. No I am not kidding.

I had already been seeing a child psychologist for a bit at that point, but one of my aunts who taught at a different grade school had gone to an optional in-service class about recognizing autism in students for early intervention and IMMEDIATELY clocked it as me, so right before Spring Break of 3rd grade, I was diagnosed as autistic at age 9.

L. Elementary School had one whole school counselor for the entire student body. They had no mental health resources. It was the early 2000s, it wasn't mandatory yet. So when my mom told the school about my new diagnosis and asked what they could do to help me, their answer was...nothing. I'd have to transfer to one of the other elementary schools.

I, of course, had no idea any of this was happening because I was a little kid and my Mom didn't want to stress me out. It was only when I was an adult that she told me all this.

The three remaining grade schools did give her some options:

- C. Elementary didn't have any dedicated Special Ed department, but had the smallest student body so I could get more one-on-one attention

- W. Elementary had a Special Ed. department, but it was separate from the main student body. Disabled kids were technically being mainstreamed into a public school following the ADA, but they were being segregated into their own corner of the school and none of the regular student body even knew they were there. This is the school the district recommended for me.

- R. Elementary, which had a Special Ed. department made of only 3 teachers, meaning they only had one small "class" of the kids who needed the most support, but the kids were kept in their normal homerooms and only removed for the Special Ed classroom at select times during the day. This is the one my mom selected.

When Spring Break came, I was told I would be switching schools when the break ended. Despite being bullied by my own homeroom teacher, I was devastated and didn't want to. I didn't want to leave what few friends I had, I didn't want to leave the school library where I knew where all my favorite books were, I didn't want to leave my 2nd grade teacher who I would still see on the playground sometimes, I didn't want to leave my Girl Scout troop. I didn't want change.

Luckily, Mrs. Mitchell at R. Elementary was an amazing person as the head of the Special Ed room. She used a reward system, gave us plenty of room to do our own thing, didn't force us to interact with each other outside of lessons (mostly about how to get along with other kids and recognize what emotions were which). I genuinely did get better at managing myself. But to this day, being bullied by Mrs. Herr - and plenty of other teachers before and after her - has stayed with me.

Everyone give me the most screwed up thing that has ever happened to you in the american public school system

[mueritos]

On autism: I'm the same way with social events and high versus low sensory periods. For me, audio is a big issue. If there's too much going on, I found that putting an earbud in (reluctantly not both, bc my campus had a lot of traffic and it's good to be aware of surroundings), music or not, it helped process stuff less. I minimized social events between classes and inadvertently made time to decompress by going to quieter spots to study/do homework.

As for the feeling of being stared at: It's ironic, but masks really help me feel more incognito. That, and wearing a baseball cap that has my favorite pins. I also (again, inadvertently) had small stims with me at all times: a hairtie, drumming my fingers in a consistent rhythm on the sides of my legs as I walked, and a pen with a silent click (Bic Atlantic black pen, my beloved).

Also, sorry to hear that your therapist wasn't great about you bringing up autism! Might have mentioned before, but mine was skeptical and likely for good reason since she specialized with childhood development. Idk if your therapist is willing to learn or if it's even an option for you to seek one that'll understand what's up, but I wish you good luck. In the end, research and observing your own behavior with an outside viewpoint will be most of the work of figuring out what hinders/flourishes for you. I hope this helps, even a little!

oh goodness I related to a lot of what you expressed here. If audio becomes too much, it starts to twinge in my ear and it can be physically painful to stay where i am, and sometimes Ive had to cover my ears. Wearing headphones, blocking it out with stuff i want to hear has been helpful, but yea I also have a fear of not being aware of my surroundings, so I rarely have it on high. I have been letting myself be okay with leaving places to decompress and do work; Ive found that im happier now doin so! I also drum my fingers and like to rock, and im trying to let myself rock in class but there r some classes I have to be "professional" in since im a TA...so I have find other ways to stim >.< because just sitting here still for 3 hrs straight is really exhuasting. I might have to look into that pen because I love clicking pens!!! and yes, I love masks because it hides my face and i feel less stressed about people looking at me, but hats sound fun!! when its colder I wear beanies, and it always felt like a hug on my head (until it got itchy lol)

And thank you, it was honestly a weird experience with her and it made me sad tbh to realize it wasnt good. Even when I tried to bring up childhood instances and things that I felt related to my adolescence, it was just shut down. I'm still open to anything, maybe its just worse anxiety or just sensory issues, but idk. Its all weird. Im just happy that autistic people and other ND folks have been nothing but supportive and kind to me. Im not sure how to proceed with my therapist, and she has told me she could always refer me to someone who is more knowledgeable and who can diagnose if needed, but its another step toward going to someone new and somewhere new and it just freaks me out. Im definitely going to be more involved in the disability and nuerodivergence club on my campus tho since theyre the folks who comforted me after that session ;;

thank u! i wish u the best my friend :)

[mtbluecat]

Okay so i thought i might add my perspectives as a Budding Giftedness Researcher. Wait wait wait don’t get the wrong idea yall I agree with op’s points and i would like to add to them! but from another perspective. Firstly, author disclosure that i am indeed gifted myself (+ late-diagnosed autism and adhd) so i am naturally biased but imma try taking a step back as much as i can here. For ease of reading, I’ve included section headers since buckle up, this is gonna be a long one.

Anyway i spent like an hour typing this up so i would highly appreciate if people gave it a read and maybe shared their thoughts on the matter (respectfully) too,,

Prelude

Firstly, @nytfythfhtyf and everyone else who struggled with school, esp academics, YALL ARE SO VALID. NONE OF YOU DESERVE TO BE CALLED STUPID AND I WILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO DOES. SCHOOL IS NOT AND WAS NEVER AN INDICATOR OF YOUR WORTH OR ABILITIES AND PEOPLE WHO THINK IT IS NEED TO DO SOME SERIOUS RECONSIDERING. So like when reading this please don’t think i’m trying to invalidate or refute any of your points they’re all fair and Very Important for more people to be aware of; i’m just trying to add another layer to the story.

Like I do agree that a lot of gifted kid burnout posts on this site read as kinda like... humble flexing or smth it rubs me the wrong way too. As op points out, these comments are very damaging to those who struggled in academics and they’re also damaging to other gifted kids since it’s basically turned into the suffering olympics.

I think it also has a lot to do with the idea that overworking yourself, and getting straight As (even if you’re not actually learning anything!), is highly praised in Society

^^ This 100%. I don’t even want to get into how the way society only values you as a person if you’re Productive and Achieve and Earn Your Way Up in society and just how incredibly ableist and tiring that is.

(although I will admit I absolutely have a grudge of burning jealousy bc I wish society liked me as much as them, which is where my urge to insult them comes from)

See i’m a bit conflicted about whether society even likes us or not. Well I mean personally i don’t think society likes me at all but that’s besides the point. Like of course on the surface everyone praises gifted kids up to high heaven but in doing so parents and educators and other kids completely ignore all of our Real Support Needs. Basically, society only likes People In General when they’re “useful”, whatever that means. And it just so happens that gifted kids are seen as more “useful” than other kids if they’re good at academics.

Before i continue, i will say that the struggles of gifted kids are somewhat of a Severely Under-researched Topic and a lot of my points are based on my anecdotal experience of being a student and teaching in gifted programs and my convenience sample of all my gifted friends. 

Giftedness is a bad word, actually

... as in it badly misrepresents what giftedness really is. Many researchers, educators, and parents, myself included, find issue with this label. I think the thing that surprised me the most about the course i’m taking on special ed is that the prof considers giftedness a disability and spends the same amount of time talking about it as she did with autism. Like initially i thought, “wait that can’t be real. giftedness is like on the opposite direction of the ability spectrum”, but that erases all the struggles that gifted kids have. 

When people think of “gifted”, i’d imagine that the word arouses some imagery of kids being blessed with high IQ and effortless success and they’re just like Better than other people or smth. This has been a huge issue in special ed since a lot of educational policymakers assume that if a kid is so gifted and just so Better Than Everyone Else, there’s no reason why they couldn’t thrive and excel without any supports, where this couldn’t be farther than reality. (as an aside, this is also an issue for gifted kids who internalize the label and end up pushing themselves too hard to live up to this perfect gifted version of themselves and burn out because of that)

I like to think that the giftedness neurotype is very similar to autism/adhd profiles since they share quite a lot of key traits like overexcitabilities and hypersensitivity to sensory and emotional stuff, special interests and hyperfixations, problems interacting with NTs, chronic procrastination, the list goes on. And yet all of these problems are brushed off as just kids being quirky, nerdy/geeky, or attention-seeking just because the bundle package also (usually) comes with a high IQ score.

I’d suspect that the primary reason that gifted kids love to talk about their gifted kid burnout is not really because they’re seeking attention, but more like as a coping thing of always getting spoken over by adults who invalidate their struggles constantly since they only see and value the “useful”, “gifted” side of them. 

Schools are not designed for kids

I’ve been ranting about giftedness for a while (and originally i had a whole section on what gifted kid burnout even was) but 1) i feel like i’d just be proving op’s point about gifted kids just being obnoxious and talking about themselves and their own struggles if i continued without addressing the other half of the problem and 2) yes these struggles are not unique to gifted kids there is a much larger systemic problem.

See all this stigma around giftedness that I went on about for too long is absolutely applicable to other people’s struggles if you flip it around a bit. The ableism is a lot more overt on this side since more commonly, people would see your struggles and disabilities, assume that applies to all of you (thus overlooking all of your good traits and strengths), and then further devalue your own experience and opinion because that’s what happens when society doesn’t see as much usefulness from you (ignoring the already-stated fact that being valued only for your “usefulness” is like the worst thing ever in the first place).

I suppose that if you’ve been on tumblr for long enough or culturally osmosis’d enough of it from other sites, you would know that the modern school system remains mostly unchanged from when mandatory schooling was created circa the industrial revolution. School back then was about basically indoctrinating kids into deadly factory worker jobs and thus taught qualities like ‘shut up follow all rules and don’t think about it’ and ‘no you don’t have free time actually’, and while society has changed and most people work professional jobs which require a few more braincells to do, and the most valuable professions today all require innovation and creativity.

The point is, schools (in the western world at least) push for conformity above all, or rather, they simply don’t know what to do with you if you weren’t average enough. Where i’m from, stuff like adhd is considered a high-incidence disability (as in it’s relatively common) and because it’s high-incidence, there are zero (0) resources allocated to schools to support accommodations. Teachers are taught to teach to the “average” kid, but the “average” kid isn’t a kid. It’s a statistical concept-- and we end up with teachers who tried to cover as many bases as possible but really ended up teaching no one at all. No one comes out of school unscathed lmao

Aaaaannnnddd this is why everyone is talking about UDL (universal design for learning) and inclusive ed and stuff now since people are finally realizing that there is a Problem

Anyway.

In conclusion, i think everyone’s struggles, gripes, and trauma around school are valid since that’s just how schools were designed and continue to do. And it is Very True that we don’t talk about the struggles of non-gifted kids whether they have other exceptionalities or not enough here! like obviously i do not have much lived experience here but i will do my part and reblog people who do. 

My utmost sympathy for anyone going through School rn i know it’s tough.

what’s your damage about “gifted kids”?? i mean, i was a nightmare in class but i don’t see any reason to have issues with them

please read this im begging you. i put off breakfast for an hour writing this bc i really care about it

i even capitalized stuff and did punctuation to make it easier to read.

The biggest thing that bothers me is that there is so much content for and about ppl who are “gifted kid burnouts”. It’s literally everywhere on every website, there are thousands of posts and everyone on this site reblogs them. It’s inescapable. And because this subset of people gets so much attention, anyone who didn’t have the “gifted” experience who also wants to talk about their struggles in school gets. Basically ignored.

(Sorry this is long I just wanna explain it as well as I can) On tumblr the “gifted kid problems” thing is extremely popular bc this is the ppl-who-read-books-instead-of-talking-to-people website. Which is totally fine, and I wouldn’t mind it if it didn’t feel like I was the only person out of millions who wasn’t gifted. If someone makes a post about being a burnt out gifted kid it gets thousands of notes. If I make a post about how being the “stupid kid” my whole life fucked me up, it gets three likes from my mutuals and then dies and is never seen again.

I think it also has a lot to do with the idea that overworking yourself, and getting straight As (even if you’re not actually learning anything!), is highly praised in Society. Because schools need good test scores if they want to keep getting money. Bad test scores, while literally being part of the learning process because we learn from mistakes, don’t bring in the funds. So the “dumb” kids get treated like shit, and teachers have to teach kids how to pass tests, instead of actually getting the material into their brains in a meaningful way. If you skip meals and don’t sleep to cram for tests, you’re considered a better student than someone who prioritizes their mental and physical wellbeing.

So you get the culture of kids who brag about sleeping three hours every night and having an iced coffee as their meal for the day, and the less you take care of yourself the more cool and relatable you are. Which I don’t really blame them for. When the school system is this fucked up and you’re struggling this much, of course you want to tell people how much it’s hurting you. I think a lot of people just want someone to tell them that’s not okay, and they shouldn’t have to neglect themselves so much. But unfortunately, it’s usually impossible to graduate college without overworking yourself to the point of exhaustion and illness. So it continues.

I think it’s good that people are posting and sharing their experiences and trying to unlearn the bad habits and mentality. But unfortunately a lot of the “gifted kid” people still think or at least act like they’re the only ones who struggled in school. Because they worked the hardest, they deserve more attention. (I also think being constantly praised by teachers as a child and being the favorite plays a part in the attention seeking behavior).

So anyone who physically couldn’t overwork themselves to the point of earning the “gifted” label, because of disabilities or any other reason (don’t even get me started on the expectation that all autistic people are great at school (((non-gifted non-savant autistic kids are treated like worthless failures their whole lives)))), those people don’t deserve to have the whole internet feel bad for them. You couldn’t see them working themselves to exhaustion studying or doing homework, because their everyday lives were already exhausting, and they literally couldn’t spend any more energy on school.

So, if someone makes a post about how hard it is to do any schoolwork at all, and how their school experience was torture because the classes weren’t made to actually teach them and they weren’t good at test taking, you ignore it, because you “worked harder” and still struggled just as much. Or you comment and say “Oh same but I got all A’s and can write an essay in 5 minutes without even trying and I can read books at the speed of light” or “Oh and did you know how many gifted kids are autistic and adhd. I’m autistic and adhd and it made me so good at school” because you’re so used to having everything cater to you.

My goal isn’t to minimize burnt out gifted kids issues and trauma, it’s to get people to understand that they aren’t the only ones that deserve pity and sympathy. School fucked everyone up in different ways and it sucks no matter how good your grades were.

So no I don’t hate gifted kids themselves just for being gifted (although I will admit I absolutely have a grudge of burning jealousy bc I wish society liked me as much as them, which is where my urge to insult them comes from), I hate the way they act, on social media and in real life. You can post about your struggles and that’s totally fine, but if someone makes a post about how hard school was for them because they weren’t good at it, instead of commenting that your experience was different, or literally just ignoring it, maybe reblog it. Because school sucked and you both had it hard. Maybe even leave some sympathetic or understanding tags (without making it about you) if you’re feeling it.

but if they go on here and make fun of ppl who arent good at school or any academic skills and call them stupid then i hate them and im hitting them with my car

[usertoxicyaoi]

Hey faiza I hope you dont mind sharing, but if you do you can ignore this ask, I wouldnt mind.

I have a younger sister who's recently diagnosed with autistism and I've tried to do research regarding it but I still feel helpless and that somehow I'll mess up. She's still growing and I want her to call home a safe place cause she has trouble with the outside world since there isnt a lot of awareness about autism here. Can you please guide me a bit? How you guys handle stuff at home? Any reading material that helped you. Thank you

hiiii anon!!! that's fine! honestly it was hard. bc my brother is the only boy from us all, and we're 4 siblings. there's me as the eldest, then my sister, then my brother and then my youngest sister. so at first, my parents just thought that bc was my brother was the only boy, that he might be developing a lot slower than me and my sister did as girls, but that eventually at the age of 2 or 3, he'd catch up. he didnt.

and my mum was the first one to sorta catch on that something didnt feel right. so after the health visitor inspected my brother and he got assessed, my brother got diagnosed with autism at the age of 3. my dad was a little reluctant at first to accept it, bc no one in my family history (either from my mum or dad's side) have autism or any type of special educational needs or disabilities, so my parents didnt really Know how to handle this all. but then my dad, after some time, came round.

and its not easy at all. it still isnt even though he's 23 now. but we've had a lot of support from different professionals, who are a whole team that have stuck with my brother at various points in his life, like his speech and language therapist or his educational psychologist or his medical staff or his teachers or his social worker etc. so they've always supported us and given us guidance and sent my parents to various courses - like triple p, something i hiiiiiiighly recommend. as a teacher, i also look into team teach, but i'd recommend even that too tbh, as a way to help and learn about de-escalation, and how you can positively help your sister in her education and broader sense of learning. another thing we also use is PECS - its honestly v v v useful for most children with autism as it helps them visualise their routine/timetable for the day/planned activities, but it also helps in allowing them to express what or how they feel, like hunger or fatigue, and helps them communicate their needs to you, if you help them understand what the visual cards represent.

for my brother, we've always had him have his own bedroom, and thats his private space to cool off and calm down that we rarely go in. my brother's non verbal, so he really has struggled with communication. we know a bit of BSL (sign language) and that helped when he was a kid, but as he grew, his school and his teachers slowly got him to begin speaking. he now only speaks in 3 or 4 word strings, not full sentences, but its a huge development!

my brother's really into disney, so he has a collection of disney books and films in his bedroom. what i'm saying is that get the time to explore what your sister's interests and hobbies are, and make her safe space one that holds her interests to help her feel secure. my brother isnt very into sensory textured things, so food isn't a huge issue with him, but for your sister, explore what textures she likes and what she doesnt. we dont ever force my brother into something he doesnt want to do, and sometimes that can mean cancelling plans last minute as a whole family too, which can be quite upsetting. so sometimes what helps is telling my brother well in advance that we're planning to do xyz on such a day, so that on that day, he isnt overcome with anxiety, bc most children with autism need a set routine, and if that gets disrupted, then they will behave anxiously. so now, when we have to go to a wedding or go out to eat, we tell my brother a week or so in advance, and he's okay with that.

but also, build some independence and decision making in them! let them choose what clothes they want to wear, what food they want to eat, whether they want to do english or maths today etc. sometimes things can become overwhelming and they do hit or bite or pinch or throw things. thats the moment where you just say a firm No and step away. let them cool off, and that will give you a chance to cool off too.

and always make sure YOU are okay too. if it gets too much, speak to your family. make sure different people are with your sister, because it can be physically difficult and mentally emotional. if you want to rest one day and have that day for yourself, tell someone in your family in advance and have some me time, and that will give a different family member a chance to spend time with your sister. that will help your sister build more relationships too! some days, my brother doesnt even wanna see my face, and thats ok! he spends that day with my other sisters or my parents or he'll go out with my cousin or sometimes, just by himself, bc they need that too.

and if you just tell someone, if you are going out somewhere, that you have a family member that has autism, you'll be surprised with how accommodating people are, and that helps so so much as opposed to not telling and then you'll get stressed and anxious too. like, sometimes, crowds and big spaces stress my brother out, even now, for example at a wedding we recently went to. but we told the person who invited us about my brother, and they said its absolutely no problem whatsoever if my brother needs to step out for a bit to get some fresh air or if he needs to be fed first etc. and in the same vein, i'd say to keep your conversations with you and your sister's "team" (her school teachers etc) ongoing, so that everyone is on the same page. for example, if you were to go on holiday or implement a new habit or try something new with your sister, if your sister's whole "team" knows about this, then you are all on the same page, and will help build that new change for your sister.

its honestly a learning experience that will never end, if i were to be honest. and some days its so .... hard. and other days its the most heartwarming thing you'll ever experience. make sure you take care of yourself, including speaking to someone if gets too much, so you can take care of your sister. and soon enough you yourself with just ... develop a sixth sense for who and what your sister wants or doesnt want and who or what she does or doesnt need.

🧡

[adultingautistic]

[Sept. 7] Re: Non-Autism diagnosis. Thank you for your reply! (Ha - I realized as I typed this I consciously applied my mom's "thank you FOR + THING" formula for how to properly thank people. I used to just say "thank you"& didn't realize it could be rude). This will probably be some parts to explain more, sorry. So my mom was told that children w/Aspergers or Autism were "happy in their own worlds" & my trying to engage/wanting friends was a sign that it wasn't true. She also cared v [1/?]

strongly that I was never grouped in with ppl w/ Autism. I learned of the connection when there was a uni networking event for ppl with Autism & NLD, my diagnosis. It's Non-verbal learning disability, which basically means I struggle with non-verbal social cues, spatial awareness, visual learning, auditory processing & executive dysfunction. The more I knew people w Autism the more I saw a lot of overlap. There's also nearly no record of NLD existing. 

It wasn't ever in the DSM, or lumped into anything. There have been few studies on it, & a lot is speculation. The best I can find is some early 2010's Psychology Today think pieces. I was also diagnosed with "tics" & trichotillomania which I think may have been stims. I'm still definitely not in a close friend group - I tend to be socially outside & I struggle a lot socially, especially now in workplace settings where friendly/professional/friend blurs.

I've been given fidget toys & found them unappealing. But I know I find it very difficult to do the eye contact, particularly if I'm at home or with family (or strangers in my home). I do also have to sleep with earplugs bc I hear water rushing in the pipes, I can't have clocks around, & I'm very distracted by the hum of fluorescent lights. But I stopped crying at school assemblies/crowds around 10. When I was 17 I was re-assessed to qualify for my uni's

to take up space or claim it without a diagnosis (self dx isn't really favourably looked at here, among the ppl w Autism I know anyway). Lol but this is my last year to try while in uni & I wonder if it's even worth it. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if there are reasons for things I'm dealing with still (especially as I get older things seem stranger) & if there's a community. Bc there definitely isn't one for NLD lol. Sorry for how long this is!

Also I have had zero assistance with skills or strategies to manage these things since childhood - I had some occupational therapy for balance & my mom gave me "conversation lessons", & I was usually in the special ed classes (which often confused ppl bc I could read at a normal time). I'm very much struggling w/ executive dysfunction & socially, with not much to go on. If I had a diagnosis, maybe there's something to help? idk. OK finally done srry!

Oh wow.  So, that is a lot!  And as I was reading your description of your experiences, my mind is going “Uh huh, that’s autism.  Yep, autism.  Sounds like autism to me...” 

Then I went and looked up this “NLD” thing, and found this article:

“There is clearly a great deal of overlap between Aspergers Disorder (AD) and Nonverbal Learning Disabilities (NVLD), so much so that it is possible that the symptoms of each describe the same group of children from different perspectives—AD from either a psychiatric/behavioral perspective, and NVLD/neuropsychological perspective.”

So basically, it seems like NLD is Aspergers, and Aspergers is autism.  From a few other articles I read, it seemed like NLD is diagnosed when a person is “too mild” for Aspergers, which is itself diagnosed when a person was “too mild” for autism.

Since it was determined between the DSM-4 and DSM-5 that the divide between Aspergers and autism was so arbitrary and impossible to pin down, therefore there shouldn’t be a divide and they are really the same disorder, it would seem to follow that the line between NLD and Aspergers should be the same.

In other words, you’re on the spectrum, the same spectrum that autistics are on, but at the time you were tested they gave you a diagnosis of “Asperger Lite”, which in of itself was “Autism Lite”, and now Aspergers has been folded into autism, so it might be that NLD will be folded in as well someday (but as of now, isn’t, for some weird reason).

I can’t answer for you what will happen if you go to get tested again for autism.  I don’t know what the result will be.  But what I can tell you is that you do belong in the autism community, regardless of whatever official diagnosis you have.  You obviously share autistic traits, I related to literally everything you said about your experiences, and maybe you just have better social skills, or maybe your doctor was biased, who knows.

You already have a diagnosis, and that may be enough for you to get accommodations at your university, or at a future job.  You will have to look up what the laws/rules are regarding accommodations where you live.  But if the current diagnosis you have will get you the support that you need, then there is really no benefit to you getting your diagnosis changed to autism in that way.

So really it comes down to whether you feel your NLD diagnosis is accurate, and whether you want to be tested for autism instead.  It may turn out that your original doctor was right on the mark and that you’re on the mild end of the spectrum, so mild that you’re NLD instead of autistic (but it is the same spectrum).  Or it might turn out your original doctor was biased and didn’t score you correctly and your symptoms are more severe and a label of autistic fits you better.

It’s entirely up to you whether you want to get re-tested, of course.  But you don’t need an autism diagnosis to be part of the autism community- this community is about sharing our experiences which you obviously relate to, and are absolutely welcome to participate in discussions about.  

So getting re-tested is really about two things: accommodations (which you may already be able to get with your NLD diagnosis), and feeling that your diagnosis is accurate to yourself.  So to answer your question whether it’s worth it to get tested again- only you can decide that.  It’s entirely up to you.  But I hope I’ve given you enough information to help you make that decision.  But no matter what, you belong here, everything you said was absolutely relatable to me, I felt like I was reading the story of my own life in a lot of ways.

[bassiter2]

lmao my mom is getting an autism awareness/support tattoo bc of my sister when i know for a fact that her support for autistic people is entirely contingent on them having a diagnosis and being very overtly disabled, and in her eyes literally NOTHING short of being diagnosed and overtly disabled gives anyone the right to do anything remotely abnormal and go unbothered for it

she’s really gonna have like a permanent “i love and support autistic people <3″ symbol on her body at the same time that she has absolutely no respect for neurodivergence in general. she literally yells at her bf’s kids for the most common and unobtrusive of stims like rocking in their seat because “you don’t need to do that, you’re not autistic”

in any case it just seems so fucking weird to me to get a whole ass TATTOO to just communicate to strangers that your kid is disabled with a particular diagnosis. like if you were actually trying to show support for the whole community, that would be nice, but my sister most certainly has absolutely no concept of the autistic community, so there’s no way that’s what this is. 

you clearly don’t care about being an ally to that community anyway, you just wanna feel good about not being abusive to you disabled child and signal to other parents of highly disabled autistic kids that you both Deal With The Same Problems so that you can bond over it. and shit, even then, your tattoo won’t even tell others what symptoms she has and thus communicate “my loved one is dealing with these particular issues” since the spectrum is so fucking wide.

lol anyway i fear for all the autistic adults who are inevitably gonna see her tattoo and think that my mom might actually be autistic herself and possibly try to strike up conversation only to then have to deal with my mom being like “oh no my daughter is, and hers is much more severe :) she rubs poop on the walls :)”

[applesauccce]

What’s up gamers, back at it again with complaints and over sharing about my life. I swear I’m not turning into a life blogger, I just want somewhere to spew my thoughts that isn’t google docs. (Quick tw: gaslighting, emotional abuse, homophobia, eating disorders)

Anyways, so as a quick summary, I got on decent meds, have seen a real difference, but am still having a multitude of problems. Brain fog, inability to concentrate or focus on tasks (even if it’s something I want to do, like cleaning my room or painting), extreme memory loss, both short term and long term, an excess of nervous energy that prevents me from sleeping or concentrating, over sensitivity to various stimuli, food texture sensitivities, etc etc etc. I’m working with a very nice psychiatrist (he’s been very supportive) and hopefully will remember to find a therapist to work with as well.

Basically, we’ve been running through the potential causes for my issues and will slowly eliminate them. The current list of most likely causes of me not being able to function is as follows. Adhd (runs in the family on both sides, I have a lot in common with adhd individuals), Autism (likely, based on my behaviors), PTSD (welcome to Trauma Town), Anxiety (no shit Sherlock), and Depression (my current meds need more time to take full effect). Currently we are waiting to see if giving my current meds more time to take effect will help at all, but it’s very likely that it won’t solve everything.

Now here’s my problem. My mom (bless her heart in every way, she is an angel on earth) is extremely supportive in every way. She listens to me, validates my worries, asks genuine questions about my experiences, and is generally open minded to most everything. She genuinely wants the best for me and has learned over the years that her idea of what’s best may not necessarily be the solution, so she has chosen to be open minded and supportive.

My father on the other hand (my parents are divorced btw, you’ll see why in a moment) is the exact opposite. Take every boomer parent that thinks they know best. has the most set in stone and stubborn mindset, and throw in a heavy dash of narcissism (scratch that, pour in the whole container) and you have my trash bag of a father. To name just a few things that he does/says.............(brace yourself, it’s a long list)

Barely tolerates me being queer (pansexual, told him. Non binary, cannot tell him unless I want to be disowned, abused, and murdered)

Believes that women shouldn’t work after they are married and they need to have kids

Claims that trans, nb, and gender fluid people are “corrupted” and have been sent by Satan to destroy the nuclear family

Thinks “the gays” are some angry liberal movement, “just like those awful BLM people”. My favorite things he’s said is “they just want govenerment funding and special laws passed to give them the power to sue religious people”, “if you want respect, why don’t you go out and organize your gay friends and do a service project to show you’re good people”, “if someone’s uncomfortable with a gay person, they have the right to refuse service!” “But what if was the other way around? What if a gay person was uncomfortable with a religious person and refused them service?” “Thats discrimination!”, “I tolerate gay people! I’ve had gay friends!” “......you do realize that means next to nothing right?” “hOw RuDe!”, and finally “yeah, you’d marry a woman just to spite me.”

I was prescribed birth control by my dr for extremely painful periods. I then happened to go visit my bf at the time and since I didn’t want to stay in my moms house (had issues with her husband, he’s a nice guy tho, we chill now), his mom offered to let me stay in their spare room, as long as I kept the door locked at night. He found out and immediately called me a whore and said I was ruining my life, had used his insurance to get the birth control to have sex, and was a disrespectful disgrace to the family. He then proceeded to tell his entire family.

When I was talking about the possible diagnosis for my issues, I mentioned autism and he laughed and said “you don’t have autism, you’re normal. Plus, you don’t look like it, and you’re smart. Trust me, I know mental handicaps, I grew up with a handicapped sister.” (His sister does not have autism and is an extreme case, she needs round the clock care). Like thanks for invalidating my thoughts and research, saying I don’t look “disabled enough”, and saying I’m too smart to have problems.

When I was discussing my eating issues, I mentioned that it was likely I was/am anorexic, based on my behaviors and thought process surrounding food. He laughed and said “oh don’t be dramatic. You’re not anorexic. Look at you! Still plump and healthy, you have meat on your bones!” I told him it wasn’t about physical appearance, it was about the mental process about food. He rolled his eyes and said to stop self diagnosing myself. Like thanks for again invalidating me.

Is in general, a gaslighting, narcissistic, self righteous bitch who thinks he is the most amazing and religious person in the world. He constantly complains about not being able to find a new wife (I wonder why /s)

Not to mention his absolute cultish fanaticism over religion. Like don’t even get me started. He’s the reason that people think Mormons are cultists.

Anyways, so my dad sucks ass, but thinks he’s a god among men. The only reason I moved in with him was because at the time my mental health was really bad and I was having a very hard time dealing with my moms husband. Things are a lot better now and I’m lowkey considering moving back in with my mom bc holy fuck I am so sick of dealing with my father.

Also I’m trying to find a therapist to help me figure things out and help find a diagnosis. If it is autism, I’m going to shove it in his face and laugh at him. And if/when I get diagnosed with an eating disorder, I am also going to shove it in his face and tell him he’s a bitch. Can’t wait till he realizes that all his children hate him and are never going to “choose to live with their daddy” bc they’d rather not be gaslighted and emotionally abused.

[aster-the-autistic-nebula]

My mom is for the "autism cure". Her words were "not cure it for people who have it right now, but if we could find out what causes it to prevent it then we should". I was like "Albert Einstein. Bill Gates. Tim Burton. They all have/had autism. Why would you want to take away such a good thing?" And she goes "BUT THEY WERE HIGH FUNCTIONING" omg what do I even do. She doesn't know I'm autistic bc ignorance and refusal to believe her child could be, and it really upset me.

First of all, it is completely understandable that you would be upset in this situation.

That is one of the concerns many people in the autistic community have about a cure: that it will be essentially a eugenics program - and that’s exactly what that sort of “cure” is - eugenics. What causes it is genetics. That sort of “cure” requires genetic testing and aborting a potentially autistic child before they are born (since this method would be testing for an “autism gene” it will affect everyone with that gene, including some who may not actually be autistic). Even if a method of gene editing could be developed to remove that gene, there is literally no way to know what other effects it could have - genetics is extremely complicated and changing one thing can, and will, affect something else, potentially seemingly unrelated. Further, “designer babies” become a concern - literally building the genetic code for a child to match some ideal, which then leads to a possibility for increased inequality - only the genetically “perfect” qualify for certain things or are considered “deserving” of certain benefits and privileges - an exaggerated form of the inequalities present in society now (not to mention issues of homogeny and ideals of genetic “purity” that reflect the Nazi “Arian” ideology from the 1930′s and 40′s).

It’s also worth noting that functioning labels aren’t really used medically anymore. The DSM-5 does not include functioning labels, instead opting for 2-category support levels. The problems with functioning labels include what your mum is doing here: separating autistics based on arbitrary measures, which is often used to deny us a voice (if we are considered high functioning), or to deny us agency (if we are considered low functioning). The fact is, many of us are “high functioning” in some areas, and “low functioning” in others, and this can change from day-to-day. For example, I can usually speak very well (with some stuttering - and I’m even more articulate via text), and can achieve high grades in my studies (actually a benefit of Special Interests) - this would have me labeled high functioning; but I also can’t tell when I’m hungry and need to eat until I’m light headed and collapse on the floor, or go to the shops on my own (and I still need several days to recover when I go with someone), or make a phone call to book my own doctor’s appointments, and I am useless at reading body language and literally never make eye contact - this would have me labeled low functioning. The difference between them is what you can see: the first is more publically visible, while the second you would have to be living with me to know about. The issue with calling the people you mentioned “high functioning” is that we don’t know what they struggled with - it wasn’t part of their public life, so we didn’t see it.

I think the best thing that you could do if you feel safe doing so is to try to educate her on what autism actually is, rather than the media portrayals of it, and that it’s not as terrible of a thing as some people and organisations (like Autism Speaks) try to make it seem. Perhaps explaining the biopsychosocial model of disability would help too (most of the disabling parts of autism arise from the way society views and treats it, rather than inherent to biology or psychology - I mean, in an understanding, accepting, and accommodating social environment it is possible to not be very disabled by it and live a fairly "normal” life). Directing her to, or showing her posts, articles, and other media by autistics may also help.

The sort of ignorance and refusal that you are referring to usually develops out of fear driven by a lack of understanding and exaggerated by the way organisations like Autism Speaks talks about autism, and so, the best way to deal with that is to educate; help them to understand what it is, and show them that it’s not something to be afraid of. This isn’t to say that being autistic doesn’t have its challenges, but it also isn’t the disaster and loss that it is often depicted as.

Followers, feel free to provide additions or corrections (and to anon: I apologise that this took nearly an hour for me to type a reply)

(I’m not really sure what I should tag this with either, so if you would like it tagged with anything, just let me know)

[gmos]

v long complicated vent with heavy traumatic topics v

im struggling rn bc i cant figure out what types of speech impediments i have bc of my ambiguous severe dissociative disorder + so much of my childhood is completely gone from memory + my mom is a terrible person who has and continues to force me to communicate in the way she wants. i dont feel right describing myself as nonverbal bc depending on my dissociative facet i have to physically shut my mouth. but other facets are completely incapable of speech. but i dont feel right describing each facet as its own individual bc theres not distinct memory pools. but then does that make me semiverbal? or is there a distinction and im just pretending its not there? and then was i nonverbal and then traumatized into speaking and have been good enough at parroting to get by? and either way i still have a speech impediment 100% of the time and can basically only repeat things ive already heard. like putting my thoughts into spoken words is like trying to pull a car through a pedestrian gate. thats why im always on here just saying so much bc its the only way i can communicate my thoughts with people, i have the chance to formulate my words as they come and then go back and edit. but i can go to work and talk to people. but its all parroted and it makes me extremely extremely anxious every time. but is it force-fixed nonverbalism or aphasia from the brain damage? or both? how am i supposed to fix whats wrong when theres so many things wrong its impossible to nail down any singular problem. not that it matters when i cant find a single doctor in this town who will take me and my insurance. youd think the university medical practice at least would be able to take me but i guess not. they just gave me a $4k bill (which charged me for procedures they DIDNT DO) and tossed me out and told me to get more imaging done. at this point it feels like killing myself is the only option bc i literally cannot afford to bounce around between doctors again only for them all to tell me they dont know whats wrong with me and then put me on drugs that sedate me hoping i die of critical hypotension bc i was too swamped in brain fog to know anything is even wrong. my life has been fucking ruined over and over by psychiatric doctors especially and i know thats who im gonna get referred to if i bring up any of my autism-sphere issues. the "best" doctor ive ever gone to made fun of me for asking for drugs as soon as i brought up the possibility of psychological issues. is it such a fucking crime to want to get better? how am i supposed to endure all this but im not supposed to kill myself. how have i been beaten down over and over again like every day and told that theres so much wrong with me. and the worst part is that its true. i know its internalized ableism to resent needing help but i have been demonized my entire life for needing anything at all, even as a child needing like food and care. so i have forced myself into independence and overcompensated for all the things i clinically fail at. and then people dont even see or believe that im disabled. its a double lie, telling people im disabled and need help but also not telling them and destroying myself trying to keep up with whats expected of me. im so fucking sick of everything like im in so much pain all the time and it sucks so bad and im so tired and i cant do anything right and i hate myself so fucking much for it. I dont want to do this anymore. i want to give up. ive finally taken off my spite/pride/stubbornness. i dont want to persevere anymore. its almost to the point where i literally cannot even force myself and then pay the debt later. but ive only lived on my own for six months, so giving up now would look like failure and the inability to live on my own. i want independence, but i need way more support than ive ever gotten, and every single type of support has a mandatory dependence built in. my self if the only thing i have, i cant give it up in the hope that i might possibly get better for once. i just want people to be understanding of my severe, vast deficits and not punish me for

them constantly. its never going to happen though.

[pet-diary]

So, how was your TED talk? 😜 Where can I watch it? 😊

It went really well!! :D It wasn’t a TED talk of course, but I think you’re just kidding, right?😜They didn’t record it, unfortunately. I thought about turning on my voice recorder, but then pretty quickly decided that it was probably way too sensitive and personal of a topic to record, and I’d need to get everyone’s permission blah blah blah–so I didn’t. BUT! They (the professor, class, and the people I was on the panel with) seemed to really love it, and they actually suggested that we do it again in other capacities. So who knows, maybe I could record it if I do it again.Some of the stuff they said afterwards through email:“The professor is hoping we can do something similar within school districts.““Wondering if you would be willing to connect with SPED and District leadership? It might take some time to arrange, but I think your presentation, discussion about models, and hearing from the panel would be a really powerful tool for district leadership and our ongoing work around inclusion and equity.““It would be fantastic if you could get in front of school administrative and teaching leadership.“

So! Who knows, maybe it will be something I do more of.

Here’s the run-down of what happened:4 of us (including myself) were guest speakers in a graduate level class for the School of Psychology at the University of Washington. We had a woman who worked at the organization who ran it helping to moderate (the org she works at assists people with disabilities, I only connected with them bc we have a mutual contact, someone who interns there is also in my autism social group). We talked about our experiences with disability, in particular, how the school system did or did not support us. It ended up being a really emotional panel! At least 3 of us all started tearing up or crying at some point, �� and some of the students said it was hard to listen to because some of the experiences we talked about were so sad and frustrating to think about happening to people. It was pretty moving overall, I got a lot out of it myself. It was really informative for me to hear the experiences of the other panelists, esp since 2 of them had other disabilities (not autism). It was hard to sit there and answer questions about my life and experiences, but overall very rewarding experience. I think I handled it pretty well. We were given questions to review ahead of time and I wrote notes, but my notes got messed up (didn’t save to my phone) so I ended up just going off the cuff the whole time. 😓 Which was a bit nerve wracking but also nice to see myself capable of doing without a lot of trouble. It was confidence building… For sure. Very stressful, I felt so tense. When I got home I just felt like I had been lifting a ton of weights all day! And the next day I was supposed to go to another event but it turned out it was next Thurs. So anyway, this week has been INTENSE for me!!!

[writerproblem193]

Okay so here’s a long and probably rambling meta on Julian Bashir because I have a lot of opinions and emotions about the genetic engineering plotline and I want to sort them out

if any of you haven’t watched Star Trek: Deep Space Nine then you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about have a great day whoo

Specifically right now I want to ramble about what I feel over his (apparently controversial) “I was actually genetically engineered” plot line.

It’s been the major focus of two episodes so far — Doctor Bashir, I Presume where it was introduced, and a season six episode where he works with other genetically engineered people. I just watched that episode today, it’s the most recent one I’ve watched. After both those episodes, I had to pause watching for a while just to ruminate on the episode. I do love all of Deep Space Nine’s complicated complicatedness. 

Honestly, Julian is one of my favourite characters on the show. I’ve tried to describe why before, but it really hit me during an episode ostensibly about Jake Sisko — he was reporting on how Bashir was being a doctor in a war zone and he was having Problem. Anyway, Jake’s great, but there was a little cascade of moments with Julian in the episode that really hit me. 

the complete transition from goofy to professional with brushing Jake off when the casualties started coming in

and him sitting on the floor with the other medical personnel after everyone was stitched up and jokingly (and kinda not jokingly) asking Jake to carrying him to the replicator to get something to eat

Because before he’d been totally relatable with his general failure at life. He’s a total dork. His favourite pastime is like, dressing up in furs and reenacting weird history stuff with his best friend. But there’s something else about him, too. 

I described it later as “being able to stand on his own, but not having to”. 

That’s something that I very much want in my own life. The ability to not need the support from people around me (my mother is flaming hellpit of emotional abuse, that’s gonna be relevant later). When the casualties were flooding in, he knew exactly what he was doing. He was an expert. He didn’t have to rely on anyone. He knew what he was doing. 

But then, after, he sat in a pile on the floor with friends and was clearly metaphorically leaning on them too. And again, I wish I had that too. The network of support around me when I need it. That’s not a dig at any of my wonderful friends — I just wish there were more of them, and that they were physically all around me too. 

Anyway now that I’ve gotten incredibly personal, time for Doctor Bashir, I Presume?

I have to say that I knew that he was genetically engineered going in, and so I was able to wince at all the hints as it went along, instead of being confused. 

Julian had troubles with his parents. For a good reason, it turned out. He legitimately feels like they murdered him, replacing the (implied autistic/developmentally disabled) ‘Jules’ with the person he is now. And that’s a hell of a lot of baggage, alright? 

I was uncomfortably feeling with him all through the episode. Here’s a quick bullet list. 

when his parents came to see him in Sisko’s office and he had to hug them and make nice and he looked so awfully uncomfortable and Sisko didn’t notice at all and cheerily gave him some time off to have them around

the dinner they had together that was so awful and it was meant to be a little but since my mother is fucking horrible it was hitting way, way too many manipulation and icky buttons with me. The don’t-talk-about-it. The don’t-speak-to-us-like-that. The I’m-an-adult-why-won’t-you-treat-me-like-one. The way he was holding himself, with them in HIS home. The way they berated him for moving so far away from home so they can’t come see him

when he went out into the hall because he couldn’t stand talking to them anymore — out of his own space because they’re in there and he has nowhere else to go — and slid to the floor with his head in his hands. I’ve been there. Achingly, been there. 

And though I enjoyed the fun parts of the episode (the spliced interviews were amazing), near the end it started hitting wrong notes for me. Whatever, they had to keep him on the show I don’t care but

He hugged his parents. He agreed to visit and to keep in touch. He basically forgave them. And it infuriated me. So much of the episode was showing and implying the emotional (and you could probably argue physical with the whole ‘rewriting his genetic structure to the point where he feels like the child he was no longer exists’ thing) abuses that he endured at his parents. The whole episode, his interactions with his parents felt like a SciFi Scaled Up Metaphor™ interaction of me with my parents. 

The way they’ve ‘built’ me. How my mother takes responsibility for the fact that I write so much and so well because she read to me and instilled a love of reading and that gave me the tools to start writing. She believes that she was my ‘architect’, to put it in Julian’s words, and it is painful. Just like Julian. And that’s where I got angry with the episode, for dismissing what for me was a nuanced depiction of emotional abuse with a haha he forgives them everything is happy!

Most of the rest of what that episode dealt with in terms of his genetic engineering, I liked. I liked the way it built another level to him. I am all about this character in so many ways. 

(Also I appreciated O’Brien’s reaction being “hey! Play at your actual level! ….in the corner so it’s fair then asshole”. Because he just accepted it and made their interactions more genuine and agh)

Side note: my sibling is autistic, I probably have autism and/or ADHD, and I’ve been categorized as ‘Superior Gifted’ so everything else w/Bashir’s intelligence/outsider status thing also resonates with me. You know, because he wasn’t hitting literally every other button I had. 

My problems with the second episode was more about the writing and the actual show than it was my personal issues, though those are never gone lmao. 

It started off pretty cool, even if the ‘mutant’ characters were a little too mental illness coded for my taste. Everything can be done well — and for a while, it looked like they might have been going there!

Bashir had some awesome moments connecting to those other characters, and actually getting to be understood. He was able to bounce ideas back and forth with them in a way he was never able to do with anyone else (*cough* me and my sib *cough*) and generally got to know himself better and unwind. And that was cool. 

Something probably about halfway through really dinged all those little sensors in me though. Like his parents. Without warning, super subtly, the framing of the episode changed. Instead of the ‘mutants’ being super cool and #relatable and helpful, the narrative had stopped endorsing it and was showing them as hahah off the rails. 

Oh boy, did that bug me. Ohhhhh boy. 

And it was lumping Bashir in with them too. And even besides my immense problems with that (and even setting aside the gross ableism with all the mental illness coding), the way he was throwing in with them? Completely out of character. This is a guy who has-

Listen, if you’ve watched the show, you know. Bashir will 100% throw himself into danger against awful odds. He’s brave. His entire character development up to this point has been about that! What the fuck ds9!!!!! Why are you suddenly making him say ‘we should surrender to The Great Evil™ bc Stats Say So’. Besides all the icky ableism and reframing the narrative to make him look like he’s in too deep with the off the rails mutants, it’s literally nothing like him!

I am still really bitter about this, if you couldn’t tell. 

And then, the episode framing gets even shittier as all the mutants decide to commit treason. Except Julian, who has suddenly regained his senses, and is like “um. NO??????”

And here the narrative flips again. It’s showing off how Bashir is the exception to the genetic engineering rule, how he’s better than all these crazy people around him, that he’s Not Like That, he’s Better. And I’m just so furious because that’s so clearly how the narrative was positioning him, and it could have been done so much better. 

And then in the end, he stops them, is the Neurotypical Passing Hero™, and then just ushers them off to be somebody’s else’s problem again, basically. And doesn’t get that sweet, sweet feeling of belonging and understanding again. 

(I did like the one moment where he’s trying to explain the super science analysis reports to his friend and genuinely offers “I-I-I’d love to explain it to you if you didn’t understand it!” and O’Brien is so offended and thinks it’s because Julian thinks he’s stupid. I’ve done that a thousand times and it’s not because I think people are stupid — I just like knowledge and facts and sharing them so much I want to explain it over and over and make sure everyone is on the exact same page. It’s not that I think you’re stupid, it’s that I recently didn’t know this myself and want to share it! And I could see that in his tone and expression and this is why I love him.)

I’m still so furious at the way the episode kept flip-flopping on how it framed the mutants and Bashir’s actions and everything. Super manipulative. Super shitty. I know the show could have done better. I was extremely disappointed. 

So anyway. That’s what I think of Julian Bashir, in excruciating detail. I love the plotline, I wanna fight some of the details. tl;dr: I love him and this plot line on my own terms, in my own biased and revisionist interpretation, but the way the show treated some of it was disrespectful, ableist, and ignorant. I am glad to have had the experience of watching and thinking about it, though. Because now I can articulate some things that I experience with examples, and also I have a new life goal. To be able to stand on my own, but to be supported if I want it.