#and she said no and used her supreme sad writing skills instead

[insertdisc5]

surprise, we also have more songs to share!!

here's our official playlist for The King. the bane of your existence. the one who can't stop crying.

and for some reason… now you want to cry, too. 👑

[corrupted-sorrow]

I'm sorry to bother you but Oumeno-12? It's okay if you don't want to do it, I just love your stuff

It isn´t a bother at all! I love writing these :D Thank you, I´m happy to know!

12 - Is there a wedding? What was the proposal like? Any kind of honeymoon?

(This one will be looooong!)

Yes! And as expected, it was a blast. No, really. You know DICE. They made sure to make the wedding place very trendy and dreamy at the same time to fit the tastes of their boss and their “princess”, too.

But coming back in time a little… About their proposal… Everything started when their class was about to graduate from Hope´s Peak. All of them were also invited to take part on Future Foundation, if they wanted to. Naegi personally went there and revealed he had an interest in some of the 16 soon-to-be graduates. This included Kokichi (Now 18)

“Your leadership skills have grown very much in just three years. Not to mention… Despite being emotionally affected, you were a splendid strategist and a keen observator in V3 Simulator. You would be a great help there, Ouma-kun.”

Kokichi was flattered, even though he didn´t wanted to remember that horrible experience. He really could be a major leader in an important place! However… His smile was gone when he realized… He would have to abandon DICE… And Himiko wasn´t called. Only Shuuichi, Miu, Kiibo and Maki would go with him. What to do…? …………….

“Sorry, Naegi-chan. I´ll have to reject the offer. But thanks for making me look so cool, nishi~”

“E-eh? W-wait! Just like this? Ouma-kun, the Foundation changed very much in the last five years… Me, my former classmates and senpai made a very comfortable environment for all agents, cientists, ultimates… I think you would like it.”

“Hey, that sounds nice for you guys. If it were like a military camp, it would be terrible~ But that´s the truth, I need to stay here. Sorry about it.”

So Kokichi left Naegi behind, pretty sure that he did the right thing. It would be fine. He would graduate and keep making money with some scams, heists and stuff. Having fun until he becomes a true gentleman thief someday! He laughed a bit alone. Not to mention… He wanted to be beside her… The person who matured together with him, both physically and emotionally.

“Yep… I gotta get those rings… I really want her to be my empress… Yeeeah… That´s a truth I definitely like to think about!” - The psychiatric treatment also helped a lot. Of course he never said to the man that he was some sort of chaotic good rogue with merry subordinates. But that´s okay… I guess.

However… As his crew heard the news, they weren´t that happy. Kokichi was confused and asked why the long faces.

“Leader, you know… You should think about your future better. If you want to marry Yume-chan, that is. After all… Of course we have fun, but I think we shouldn´t make extreme moves as of now…” - Said the tallest man with blonde hair.

“Wha… Why? You… You guys want to disband?” - Kokichi trembled.

“Oh, nononono!!! Not at all! Most of us are adults, now! We can drink together, drive the car to everywhere, go to strip clubs and…”

“OKAY, SO WHAT GIVES?” - Kokichi definitely didn´t wanted jokes.

“You… You can be to jail for real if the cops catch you, boss! Don´t you see? Then you might not see Yume-chan again! Your record will be ruined!” - Screamed the twintail girl.

“And you grew a lot… More mature, stronger, taller, smarter… When I remember how scrawny you were… Boss… Of course DICE can continue. We just think you also need to improve your skills, work seriously. You are different from us. That´s why we follow and respect you… And we want your happiness…” - Said the tallest woman.

Kokichi didn´t knew what to answer… He definitely didn´t wanted to date by e-mail and voice chat. He wouldn´t be able to propose. He just went to his room, silently.

And you ask… “Hey, what about Himiko?”. Well… She was also sad, in her room. But she was thinking a completely different thing.

“Nnnaaa… Ouma… He will be far, now… I can work wherever I want to, so I have plenty of time to decide or…. I wouldn´t mind becoming a housewife. I can do both stuff…………………….. But how we will marry if he will be so far away…………….” - So there she was, her face on the desk, daydreaming. She thought he accepted it. But was trying to feel better, thinking about his future.

Next day, they met at the class. Himiko looked down.

“Ouma, you see… This thing of being invited by Future Foundation is pretty nice… They must have even a spa there… Nyehehe…….. A-ahem! So, this is a great opportunity, huh? I am really glad for you. Though… Well, we can trade messages, right?”- She gave a shy smile, playing with her fingers.

“Yumeno-chan, I won´t go.” - Blunt.

“N-nyeh? B-but you can put your leadership in action, get plenty of money, meet some legendary ultimates… I don´t understand……. Ah, of course… It´s a lie, I still get caught, nyehe…”

“Nope, that´s the truth. I need to stay here. I will find another place to lead and get clean money if that´s the case. I´m serious. You know I don´t lie as much as before.”

“Y-yes… B-but then… Um… Why you want to stay?” - Himiko was nervous.

“……….” - He didn´t wanted to spit out his plan of proposal. - “ Cause of DICE, of course!” - And gave that usual smile.

“Nna… I sorta thought that would be the case….. There´s nothing else?”

“Who knows~”

Himiko knew he was plotting something. But what? For one week, she was alert all the time. Which kind of prank it would be? Tenko and Angie were even worried… But finally, the Graduation Day has come. Everyone sat on their places on the gynasium, waiting for the classic speech from the principal. There was something weird… Kokichi, Shuuichi and Rantaro… Where were they?

“Hey, hey… What the hell? Shuuichi is never late! How can he be in such an important day? Harumaki, did you saw th—” Kaito was complaining, until all the lights were out suddenly. “HIAAAAAA!!!!”

Chatter, chatter… A spotlight on the stage… Revealing,,, A flying… Gentleman Phantom Thief?

“THE HELL IS THIS? DID OUMA FINALLY FRIED HIS BALLS?”- From Miu, sure.

“WOOOOW!!! OUMA-KUN IS FLYING!!!” - Gonta, of course.

“T-that´s Ouma-kun, indeed… But why he is wearing the Halloween costume I made last year?” - Tsumugi was very confused.

Some cheered for him, some called him a show-off, some just laughed… Himiko was just watching his boyfriend acting like a circus performer above her. As soon Kokichi made a signal to the stage, the flying movement got slower…. And like in Mission Impossible, he was “floating” in front of Himiko.

“I came to steal your heart, my most beloved lady~ Accept this calling card, yes?” - With a charming smile, he gave her the card with a red rose. Started to rose again, going to the stage.

“N-N-N-NNNaaaa???” - Himiko blushed like a tomato. Heard girls gossiping, swooning… And read [Come right now to the stage. I haven´t finished my work heeere~ Your gorgeous Phantom Thief] “W-what he… Wha… Uh…”

“I wonder… Will my target appear? My, my… Won´t I be able to steal what I want, today? Sob~” - Kokichi acts, talking on the microphone. At this rate, all the boys and girls were getting kinda excited to see what would happen! Himiko took a deeeep breath and made her way in heavy steps to the stage, with her usual angry “OOOOUUUMAAAA!!!”

“Nishishishi~ My target! it´s finally here! Now… I know what to do to steal this cute crystal heart!” - Now he was playing around a bit.

“N-NNNAAAA!!! W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DAY, YOU KNOW? N-NOT TO MENTION EVERYONE IS LOOKING! Y-YOU KNOW I PREFER…” - While she was scolding him, a soft, pink light illuminated the stage. Rose petals scattered from above… Himiko just looked… There was Shuuichi with a bag of said petals. “I can´t believe it…” Himiko felt Kokichi´s hand gently holding hers, looking at him. He took off the hat. His other hand was on his pocket.

“Hey… You know why I decided to refuse that? ……. Yeah…. For DICE, sure… But actually, there´s a main reason…”

“Which… Is…?” - Her heart was like a Heavy Metal band battery.

“You see, Yumeno-chan… I don´t plan to be a Supreme Leader forever… Actually… Maybe something more fitting… Like an emperor! It would be a blast!……………………………. However…… It would be boring if I were alone….. Soooo…. Maybe if I had a empress…..” - And so…. He took out the ring box out of his pocket.

Himiko thought she was going to burst. He was serious. He just made everything more playful, as he usually likes. She smiled widely and laughed a bit, but out of pure joy. Who didn´t knew her well would think she would refuse.

“SO!” - Kokichi put himself in the classic proposal position, on knee. Holding the microphone on one hand and the ring box on another. - “My most beloved Yumeno Himiko-chan… Will you be my empress? Will you let me take your heart? …………………. “ - He made a more serious, but tender tone.”…… Will you marry me?”

The crowd went crazy, hoping to hear a “yes” from Himiko. Many knew it would happen someday. The classmates were really excited to know.

“…….. Only if you let me take YOUR heart with my magic, too. And yes……… I will~~” - She kept smiling more and more, feeling in heaven.

“Fair enough!” - Then instead of putting the rings, he held her for a surprise kiss, which was a bit hidden by his white cape. The crowd applauded, screamed, cried… Soon, the principal showed up, infuriated with Kokichi´s mess. But whoa, it was worth it!

After the ceremony, Kokichi and Himiko put their engagement rings properly.

“You did such a number on there… But… It was fun, actually~”

“Nishishi… As if I would make a boring proposal!”

“Then I wonder about the marriage… Nnnaaa… Will you put some goblin inside the cake?”

“Maaaaybe?”

Nah, he didn´t do anything like that. What happened was… Just after their vows and kiss were done… He threw a smoke bomb, instant changing to his Supreme Leader from DICE clothes, Then, carried Himiko in bridal style, shouting:

“HEY, EVERYONE! THANKS FOR COMING! I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY THE PARTY MY CREW WILL THROW! NOW….. I NEED TO CARRY THIS FUTURE EMPRESS……. TO OUR HONEYMOON!!!” - That said, he just jumped outta the window with Himiko. Everyone, except the few who knew about Kokichi´s plan and helped to organize everything for the travel, were with their mouths down to the floor.

Yeees~ The honeymoon! We are talking about two sweet tooth, which like fantasy and rpg, right? So they went to Europe, to make a tour! Mostly Switzerland and Germany. They enjoyed the well-known chocolate and other candy made with it. Also visited old towns, from centuries ago, but that were like new.

Now, then… Since there´s honeymoon… There´s that, right? Fufufu… Yeah… They had lots of fun and sweet moments of romance… But more importantly… Let´s say they went back to Japan with one very special souvenir, if you get what I mean~

But that´s a story for another time~

[c-bulletaftermidnight]

Ok I said I wouldn’t ask but your TFA answer was so awesome I’m curious - things you liked/disliked about TLJ?

Oh boy, oh boy

Liked:

_ Uuuh. Kylo becoming Supreme Leader and cementing himself as the true villain I guess since it’s interesting to work on it’s gonna the political & military landscape of the FO??

_ Kylo being shown off again as a good tactician when fucking up the Raddus.

_I’m glad Phasma’s gone. 

-Finn & Rey hugging at the end of the movie that’s it.

That’s it. 

Dislikes:

_ The worldbuilding has been fucked up just to respond to Rian’s whims when he have barely any explications about the context.

_ Fucking bad designs everywhere. 

_Boring cinematography except a few times. 

_ The fucking zooms-in and Kylo looking like he’s stuck in a washing machines when he barrels rolls around the TIE Silencer. 

_ The FO is suddendly overpowered with money and personnal. The loss of SKB has like no impact on the organization. This episode should have explored to their backstory but Rian simply didn’t care.

_ Everybody in this movie shut off their brains. 

_ Hux went from “officer didn’t had not much battle experience” to a total joke. His traumas due to his upbringing are ignored and his sufferings are reduced into supposed moments of comedy .And it’s not like Rian didn’t knows his past, he even gave him a first name. Hell he didn’ even bother explain Hux’s past to Domhnall and he discovered that his character had a first name when an interviewer asked him about it (Domnhall seemed pretty angry about it since he invest himself a lot in reserches and stuff for the characters he plays.) Knowing how Domhnall had to improvise the blaster scene, i’m sure he would have objected even more of Rian’s decisions.  His purpose half of the movie is to do Huxposition on the bridge, being totally incompetent and thrown around. It’s gonna be hard for JJ to repair this and have the audience take him seriously as a villain. 

 _ Poe, well, I never cared much about his character. I even tried to read the comics but I felt barely nothing about him. But I was hoping TLJ would help but instead they managed to makes me hate his character. The Poe/Holdo arc was badly written. There was many ways to make an arc like that make sense but also more emotionnal for these two characters. I hate how one second they makes him this macho man who keeps understimating lady officers but a second after, the female characters are “haha, I like him ;)”   Yeah sure. 

_Finn’s arc who is reduced as total coward and a joke and where war has to be explained to him (a fucking child-soldier) by a woman that constantly think about hurting him when he mentions Rey, the person he is close to the most and then is forced as a potential love-interest to him for some reasons. The DJ explanations are just bad (of course, the Resistance has to buy weapons. We knows that Rian, thx) The suicide run was also pretty stupid. Also the fact that him and Rey didn’t reuniting on the Supremacy screams so much Rian wanting them to interact as less as possible in the movie. Finn deserves better.

_ Rey’s arc. Can we even talk about an arc? Her character regressed. As if she didn’t dealt with years of abuse and survival on Jakku and as if Kylo never tortured her and hurt her closed ones. Hell she even get tortured twice in the space of two days because of Kylo. The Force-skype stuff feels so forced. Adam & Daisy only have good chemistry when their characters are set against each other. Rey talks about how she is scared of the Force within her but we see her then has no problem to deal with it and master everything in one second (rendering the existence of jedi school pretty useless like you just have to download the Force-powers of a master jedi and that’s it. The Force.exe is installed. ) The small training scene where she cut the rock looks pretty stupid, her sword fighting position is pretty bad during it. Going to the dark side has no consequences on her. She has no agency. Replace the word “Force” by the plot and you’ll see what I mean. 

_ Luke. Has someone who has to deal with depression, I think showing Luke as irritated and stuff can makes sense. I kinda relate since my temper changed a lot. I had a lot of patience & kindness but now, everything irritate me (from a member of my family intruding in my space to hearing the ringing of the phone) I’m scared to see my friends, I feel like a walking failure that I will never be satisfied about myself or will satisfy my parents, I just want to be left alone & if this lead me to die that way, then so be it. The problem is how wonky the writing leading-up to this Luke is bad. Everything is about to make us feels sad for Kylo (I don’t). Kylo’s turning against his family upon learning that he is the grandson of one of the most dangerous war criminal would makes senses. Luke blaming himself because he felt he failed to help his nephew after years of work instead of randomly popping his lightsaber would have made more sense. Luke’s grieving all his others students would make more sense. Luke attempting to reason Kylo after the massacre but still failing would make sense. Luke looking for a solution on the island and then failing to find one, thus made him feel unable to see his sister face to face would makes more sense. There’s is barely any emotionnal moments for Luke and the Final holographic showdown feels like they absolutely wanted to avoid Kylo to kill Luke directly (like c’mon, he’s been committing war crimes since the first minutes of TFA)

_ Kylo. TLJ is a bad attempt at Kylo’s pity fest.It’s interesting that his traumas are acknowledged while the other character’s are pretty ignored despite having a tragic’s past that should impact them as well. Everything is about him. Most of his actions are pretty villainous, he’s no grey character like people are trying to force us to believe because he looks sad. This is an humanized villain arc (which he didn’t need after seeing TFA), not a redemption one. At least he is now the main villain too, so there’s tha (But the “Uwu save ben solo” stuff going around spoil my liking of him as a villain. I’m not here to see whether Kylo is gonna turn LS for a third time in ep9. It would be too repetitive at this point) I just hate the “ You are truely Han solo’s son”line because it is obvious he is more like his mother. Only father figures are important to the characters in SW, it seems. Also the goddamn scar being moved on his eyes but it doesn’t impair his vision despite being cut by a freaking lightsaber. Like Rian could have gave us a legit explanation why Kylo was weakened & needed Rey to fight the preoatarians guards: Losing an eye would be an huge handicap tha het is not used to yet so he needed help to take the throne. 

_ Leïa is only here to looks sad and for Kylo’s momentarily manpain (and Marry Poppying around space). Like really, you reduce Leïa fucking Organa too that?? The woman ready to move time and space just for the sake of saving freedom? the princess of Alderaan who saw her planet being destroyed but kept up on? the woman who was mainly in charge of the strategizing of Hoth’s evacuation? The woman who was willing to stay on Bespin just for the sake of massacring stormtroopers because Vader gave Han away to Boba Fett & would have stayed if Lando didn’t pulled her off to the Falcon? The woman who had to face the galactic backlash of her being Vader’s daughter but still kept on? A woman full of anger but also sense of duty?

_ Rose, rose, rose… I was excited to meet her so imagine my disappointment upon discovering she was just here to lecture & push around Finn & being forced as another love interest that doesn’t even work. It’s like she forgot that her sister died the same day and that she should still be grieving. We don’t even get to see her use her mechanic’s skills in the whole story. The message about her character makes no sense between her last line in tlj and all the destructions she is willing to provoke (not all the ppl working at Canto bight are rich, has it show in the Canto Bight book) or let happens. KMT doesn’t deserve that. 

_ Yoda’s appearing bcos I hate this hypocrite of a gremlin and was expecting for Luke to dunk him in the sea. 

_ Chewie, the glorified cab driver.

_ The battles are a huge clusterfuck & the most badly written space battle I have ever seen. 

_The way Poe’s piloting skills feels to OP when you compare to other pilots, in particular in recently RO. 

_D’qar’s battle is a fucking tactical mess. Everyone has been conviniently dumb down. Same during the slow-mo chase. What’s even the point of bringing the whole fleet of star destroyers if they are just useless.

_ Bad infiltration scene on the Supremacy on the same level as RO’s one. I’m just tired of infiltration scenes in SW. Please stop that shit. 

_ The preotarian guard fight is a choregraphic mess that has no stakes for the characters. Everyone is just waiting for their cue and twirling around. It’s like it was shooted in one go. And there is a difference between Luke in ROTJ kicking a blaster out of the hand of a foe looking bad due to technical problems of the time. And a knife suddendly being edited out at the last minute because the mc would have die then

_ Crait. A good example on how not taking in account the worldbuilding that could be used in battle. So you’re gonna tell me that the Resistance decided to hide away in a base with no issue other than big metallic door in the front? Sounds like a good plan.

_ Leïa never taking command of the battle and strategizing and letting Poe deal with all that despite that she is the general that Poe is a demoted member of the Navy who caused a shit-ton of mess among the Resistance like 30 minutes ago

_ Hux is still depicted in a idiotic way & using bad tactics again. If this is supposed to be a movie about the characters learning about their mistakes,well it didn’t do its job.

_ What is even the use of the third cannon of the gorrilla walkers??

_ What was even the point to use these old speeders besides for being destroyed?

_ Rey shooting down 3 TIES in one shot seems to break a lot of SW physics. Her disappearing of the whole fight shows how much Rian didn’t care abt her character beyond having her interact with Kylo.

_ Y’know, I have Battlefront 2 and in the game there is mining tunnels on the battlefield that you can use to hide. In the movie they are not present, the whole Resistance sit dumbly in trench and just wait to be massacred. I was hoping those tunnels would re-appear in the movies & would be used to sink the walkers by bringing them down with bomb used for mining but nope. The image of walkers falling in a sinkhole, provoking a storm of red dust, coloring the outfits,armors and vehicles in red would have been pretty badass to see.

_ The ramming canon trained on like 10 kilometers instead of using the gorrilla walkers designs and adding to them the mini death-stars canons. They can’t use it all the time tho bcos it would need to cool down before shooting again. Aren’t these supposed to be artillery vehicles ffs???

_ The Resistance not even rigging their escape ships with bombs so if the FO penetrated their base, they can at least cripple them by exploding them. So much for a group that is supposed to be specialized in guerrilla warfare.

_ Talking about guerrilla warfare, i was expecting at least a pursuit and firefight in the mines. No use of the worldbuilding during battle scenarios once again. 

_ Leïa should have been the one to confront Kylo, not Luke. Showing her willing to fight her own son and dies during it for the freedom of the galaxy would have been a good way to send her off and building her as this strong, resilient, legendary leader willing to fight her own family for the good cause. It would have been a good middle finger to people who slandered her upon learning she was Vader’s daughter.

_ Rey effortlessly levitating these rocks. Showing her struggle would have made the ending scene more rewarding.

_ The news of the Battle of Crait spreading super fast despite that the Resistance official journalist, Suralinda Javos wasn’t even present during it for documenting or something.

_ Broom boy & the way it is implied that he might join the Resistance or something because of his Force-powers. A fucking child.Involved in a war. I thought Finn being a child-soldier was bad thing?

And I’ll stop there for now, because there is so many problems with this movie, i’m never gonna be finished with it. 

[sundayeveningthoughts]

Letters

Sunday Evening Thoughts 

                                                           Letters

Dear Paul and Rachel,

I, Paul, write this greeting with my own hand. This is the mark in every letter of mine; it is the way I write. II Thessalonians 3:17

This is the next to last Sunday Evening Thoughts forever. S.E.T. began over 18-years-ago when Timmy first started college, and you, Paul were in your third year. The format started as a letter written to you about common, everyday occurrences: How to get along with your roommates? How to argue for a better grade that you thought you deserved? And how to love others in society? 

But it’s time for them to end. It has been all mine — good or bad. I only have three areas of expertise: Bicycles, the Bible, and beer, with knowledge of the topics in that order. For you long time readers, you recognize “the mark of every letter of mine; it is the way I write.” If you had someone read you this Sunday Evening Thought, and didn't know who wrote it but were a regular reader, you would easily recognise who wrote it. So, it’s time for a change. 

Still, to this day I like to get letters from friends. I heard from an old high school classmate last week, who was heading to hike the Camino de Santiago in Spain. He wanted to know if I had hiked it since I like to hike, especially the last few years. (I haven’t.) But I was genuinely excited to get his email.

For this next to last S.E.T. I had planned to write on Thomas Merton’s book Cold War Letters, which I recently finished. What a prophet he is! His insights on war and violence are as pertinent today as in 1962-3. It seems to me a true prophet's words are as valuable in 2020 as in 1963 or 700 BCE when he/she first spoke or wrote them. Ditto for Martin Luther King’s writings and speeches. Ditto for Dorothy Day. (Boy, Pope Francis is smarter than we realize recognizing all three of these folks.)

But I’m not going to write about Merton's Cold War Letters, though I encourage you to get “bitten” by Thomas Merton’s writings. Then I thought I’d make it very personal and examine letters from Clem (a great man!) that I still possess. But they were too sad, and not the best description of Clem, as he mentions several friends of ours in their late 20’s and early 30’s who were struggling because they had recently miscarried or aborted. 

Then I gave a considerable amount of thought to write on Sue’s letters that I still possess from late high school. Sue (not her real name) is a friend I made when in high school who was serving 25-years-to-life in a Virginia’s prison for murdering her husband. She participated in a premeditated murder with her boyfriend to collect her husband’s life insurance. She too was complicit. It was a very gruesome murder where the boyfriend not only killed her husband, but decapitated and delimbed his body. The boyfriend was originally sentenced to death, but in 1973 the Supreme Court overturned all executions, and his sentence was commuted to life in prison without parole. He died there. Sue was sentenced as an accomplice to 25-years-to-life in Goochland Women’s Prison. She was paroled in 1989 after 20+ years for good behavior. I haven’t heard from Sue since 1973. But I did learn about the American justice system in a practical matter, especially the power of prison guards to make or break your day-to-day existence. Yet all 30-40 letters from Sue are not very exciting, except for revealing the mundane life in a women's prison.  

No, I chose a letter from Roxanne (not her real name either) — my Eighth Grade girlfriend. Since we as a world are in a time of crisis with the coronavirus, perhaps this will make you laugh? 

Here it goes…

Hi Tommy,

You better not give Kenny my phone number... Please don’t. I would feel dumb at that party with you. You will know almost everybody at Pat’s party. Now you name one person I would know at Sonny’s party besides you?  I’d like to know how Cecil XXX knows me. You make it sound like he used to like me or something. (He didn’t. I would never like him.) I like you anyway so it does not matter… Why do you have to leave Pat’s party so you can go to Sonny’s? Pat’s is over at 11 o’clock. You said Sonny’s is over at 1 o’clock. Please stay as long as you can. Me and you already have a special seat. Me, you, Paul, Gail, Jimmy & Pat are on the sofa. The other people will have to sit around in a circle. It will be so much fun. (It will be the first time I am with somebody).

Luv,

Roxanne

P.S. Write back

P.S.S. Come to Pat’s party

P.S.S.S. Forget about Cecil XXX

P.S.S.S.S. It is 488-XXXX in case you forget

What a party! (… your mom laughed-out-loud when I read this letter.)

Have a good week…

Love,

Dad

P.S. If that didn’t make you smile, then this will — a live Phish version of “Alumni Blues/Letter to Jimmy Page.” “Letter to Jimmy Page” is the riff Trey Anastasio plays at the 2:53-4:03 mark. Since much of Phish’s music is organic, they usually include it with “Alumni Blues” which has a timely lyric, especially tonight, “Well, I’m alright… because I’ve got a degree!” 

P.S.S. “Letter to Jimmy Page” is a very short song; originally written by Trey to Jimmy Page. Figuring he'd never read a letter if he wrote one, Trey opted to write a song instead. Apparently Jimmy was in a funk, depression state at that time (about 1985). 

P.S.S.S. I’m amazed at how many Phish fans would know that about Trey and Jimmy. They know more about Phish than Orthodox Jews know about the Torah, religious Christians know about the Gospels, or devout Muslins know about the Koran. 

P.S.S.S.S. Crank it up! (See my Eighth Grade writings skills are still intact!)

[ladyhawk-s]

Why Ochako Is Actually a Big BadAss

When this past chapter came out, there wasn’t material enough in it for me to really write my thoughts on. To me, it was the class just being adorable and I want to wait til next week to talk about the new Big Three that appeared (also who saw the memes for them? My friend just showed me and I died of laughter.) Instead, I’ve been rereading the manga (more specifically the sports festival) and the past chapter happened had Ochako’s outburst about the festival and it almost made me upset to see the reactions that were given to it. I remember going through the tag and seeing quite a few people reacting to that outburst as “OMG SHE WAS SOOOO CUTE” or “OMGGGG SO FUNNYTTT”. Of course, I am exaggerating this a lot but the fact there were no more in depth thoughts on it and it kinda made me a bit sad and now that I’m reading that festival stuff again, I just had to put down my thoughts somewhere.

I’ve said this before and I will repeat myself until the day I die: While Ochako’s character is based on her being cute and bubbly and the most adorable gal in the entire universe, she’s so much more than that. She’s more complex than the fandom makes her out to be and I wish more people saw that.

Now, in my Why Ochako is Actually A Complex Character post, I talked about this complexity a bit with how she handles her emotions and more specifically on how she displays this to others. However, I did not talk about how much of a determined individual she is and really how feisty she is (like this girl can be Bakugou fierce ok?).

To start, when the whole Sports Festival came into play, after the stakes of the festival were told to the class, this is precisely how Ochako acted (which definitely caught the rest of the class off guard)

Now, of course I know that it was displayed as an act of comic relief, especially with how expressive she is during all of that but I personally see it as something more about her character that Horikoshi was just trying to mix with the silly cute aspect part of it, especially since we get this scene later one (I stg I have this scene stamped in my memory):

Already in a chapter, Horikoshi showed us that Ochako is a supremely determined individual who has absolutely no chill when it comes to things that would affect not only her goals but the situation with her family.

I mean, in the festival, we got a small glimpse of that with her waiting to use a secret move (which btw, she hasn’t used yet and Im dying for that day)

And here she is being all determined in some other panels (which you can even see her suppressing her emotions once more as she tells Deku congrats for winning first)

And then we get to her fight with Katsuki, which OH BOY really shows how far her determination and feistiness can go. And honestly so much happens in this fight that truly does characterize who Ochako is and how strong she is. I mean to start, she gives off a Katsuki like sentence to push away the statement he made earlier.

And then it’s so interesting and I see so many people overlook this but look at what she does.

She acknowledges that the fight is bad and the situation surrounding it isn’t completely ideal YET she shoves down those feelings of fear and apprehension and still continues to display herself as this strong woman that isn’t intimidated by Katsuki whatsoever (which kind of ties into her reaction in the newest chapter).

And then of course, here are two pages in that same chapter that really display this fire that she has within herself and how she’s kind of similar to Katsuki in that she isn’t one to back down without really putting up a fight (even if the fight that is something that terrifies her or even makes her a bit uneasy).

What makes all of this incredible too is that Katsuki not acknowledges her by the middle of the fight

But she even crosses his mind when he fights Todoroki when he says this

Yes, my good old gravitational stars, Katsuki even acknowledges the strength and ambition that Ochako has that maybe only Deku might have noticied (even then maybe not too much).

And she doesn’t just show this fierceness in this fight. She shows it not only when she fights 13 with Yuuga but also when she fights with Toga during the training camp (and yes I am referring to the infamous panel of Ochako)

So we get to the little scene from this past chapter where everyone went on the cute train with it.

Now, to me, I saw this scene a bit more than just her being the precious little princess she normally portrays herself out to be. To me, the way I saw it was a girl who clearly was affected by the Sports Festival. As we saw, Ochako took the festival I personally believe much more serious than the rest of the class. For her, this was a real chance for her to show off her skills and how strong of an individual she is. Since they made the Sports Festival to be something of utter importance, she completely put away any fears or apprehension she had and fought to the extreme and even showed up how insane her powers go and just really how determined she can get when it involves her family. So to be told that the festival didn’t matter I’m sure had to have been a slap in the face to her because it would have pretty much told her, “Hey, all the efforts and shit that you put yourself through to really further your goals? Yea doesn’t mean anything at the end.” Yea not a nice way to look at it and not a nice way to interpret your actions during that time period. 

Alright so I kind of went everywhere with this but the point I’m trying to make is that scene from the past chapter wasn’t just an adorable moment that we got of Ochako. Rather, although done in a funny way to mix with her general personality, it is a scene that gives us more of an idea of Ochako and how she took the Sports Festival and just how in general she takes events that impact things that pertain to her goal. Even though we see her as a usually laid back individual with a bubbly personality, she’s so much more than that. This is a girl who doesn’t back away from any challenge presented to her and doesn’t allow things to get in her way of her goals. She has them clear cut in her mind and she chases after them. She even has a fiery side that you can compare with Katsuki as seen from the fight she had with him. In general, she’s so strong and powerful and truly fierce and I just want more people to see that side of her. I guess I just wish people could see her as more than just the cute little cutie pie she is and really see her as a badass cutie pie because damn, that strangle she gave Toga was pretty intense for her character.

TLDR: Ochako is actually a big badass and not a lot of people acknowledge that.

[jonardjamessaria]

BREAKING THE NORM The Autobiography of Jonard James L. Saria

Throughout a decade and eight of my regimen in this world, I was able to foresee the true connotation of life and its underlying discernments that will make ourselves more logical and rational towards the realities of our existence.

Since I was born on the 27th of October 2002 in the historical city of Imus. My parents, Jonard and Ma. Rosita have already shown me the realities of life by inculcating upon myself that our society was divided through social classes. Aside from that, they also always induces upon myself that the perseverance and diligence was the important traits to possess in order to achieve our dream and break the social classes.

I came from a peasant poor family. The Saria ancestry have been linked on the agricultural sustenance in Imus since the end of the Second World War.  

During my childhood days, I was able to play around our small farmland in Bucandala. The sceneries was truly beautiful and peaceful since the city of Imus was not already densely populated by the other Filipino migrants. My cousins and I were using the said area for fun and other leisure physical activities. Our grandparents also thought us how to cultivate plants and raise farm animals. However, the said agricultural land was soon sold upon the rich housing developers from Manila. The money that we had able to gain from the said deal was used upon my father’s college education.

When my father was graduated as a teacher, he immediately applied to a private school. Within this circumstance, I was given a chance to study at St. Odilard School, one of the prestigious private school in Imus at that time. The said educational institution was also offering a full scholarship grant for every children of their teachers.

Beyond my venture as a student from the said reputable school, I had perceived the difference within our social classes. Most of my classmates came from a wealthy families in Imus. There was a major dissimilarity upon our lifestyles. During that time, I had discerned upon myself to impose an intrusive perseverance in my studies in order to excel in our class and prove that intelligence were not based on our social status. And, because of that, I graduated on the said school as the Class Valedictorian in pre-school.

When my father appealed for a teaching position in Imus National High School, I immediately transferred into a public school since we do not have enough monetary fund to sustain my education on a private school.

Bukandala Elementary School (BES) helped me to take on the grasp of the deeper realities in our society. My first three weeks on the said public school induces hardships on me. I am not subtle with a larger classroom size and a closely ventilated room. My issues and concerns with those norms on a public school classrooms can be reflected upon the educational infrastructure problems that were currently facing by the Department of Education (DepEd).

On the other hand. Apart from those circumstances, I had also observed that the public schools were imposing the eradication of social classes upon its students. Public school teachers treated its students equally and unbiased. Most of my classmates were also unselfish and more open minded rather than my stagy and brat colleagues from my previous school. BES opened my eyes that first impression isn’t always right and will last. I have also learned that bringing positive outlook on life over debilitating situation is a must.

BES also opened its door to let me excel on my academics and join on various quiz bees. I had represented my school on various Science and Mathematics related competitions. Aside from that, I had also able to secure the First Honor Roll on my every section since grade one and inducted as the Class Valedictorian of our batch.

BES also gave me an opportunity to excel on various extra-curricular activities. When I was in Grade Four, the Campus Journalism adviser of our school offered me a writing position on Ang Uhay-Official school publication of Bukandala Elementary School. At that time, I was selected as the official sports writer of our campus and represented our school on several schools press conferences. After my term as the sports writer of my school, I had altered my category and became a Feature Writer and Editor-in-Chief of the said school publication.

Apart from campus journalism, I had also joined several student organizations in BES. During my venture as an elementary student, aside from being the EiC of our publication, I was also elected as the President of Supreme Pupil Government (SPG) and Youth for Environment School Organization (YES-O). It was truly an honor to serve my fellow schoolmates and my school that made me a great leader.    

My childhood were not just embedded and inclusive upon my education. Just like the other child at that time, I mainly spend my time playing with my cousins. I do not have a close friend within our community since I was residing on a family compound. At that time, I consider my father and my other family relatives as my friend.

Our family’s outmost shared bond was cycling. We mainly toured the whole vicinity of Imus. I was able to see on my naked eyes the alterations that had happened in Imus. The appearance of our city at that time was truly different upon its current state. To this day, I still clearly remember the peaceful green fields that you can see at every corner of Imus at that point of time. Most of the farmlands in Imus nowadays were converted into an enormous residential and industrial sites because of the intrusion of intrusive capitalism in our city.

Alongside with those various happy memories that I had rendered during my childhood, I had also encountered some tragic and sad circumstances in my life during my younger years.

When I was in Grade Five the head of our nuclear family died. I mainly consider my grandfather as the greatest public servant that I had met. He always induces us with his ideology that mainly favors the welfare of the poor since he was also promoting the common good within our community. There was a particular point of time wherein he said this sayings; “Hindi na bale na mahirap, basta walang tinapakang tao’t nakatutulong sa kapwa” in order to persuade us to always set aside our personal interest and nurture the induction of the public interest.

Moreover, apart from those narratives during my childhood. My memorable accounts during my teenage and adulthood junctures had also a major impact on the overall flow of my life. I’ve experienced valuable encounters and learned a lot of essential skills and knowledge from those that I applied in my everyday life.

On my teenage years, I was able to perceive my broader mindset upon dealing with the deeper realities of our lives. I had also discerned that I had a bigger role to portray within our society, so it’s truly a must to turn myself into a more responsible individual.

During my ventures at Imus National High School as a student, I become more logical beyond those circumstances that I had mainly encountered on my daily life. I always take on considerations the notions of other before I come up with a decision on a certain circumstance.

Apart from that, our teachers on the said Junior High School also had valuable competencies upon ensuring a great learning within their learners. They were helping the students to become more competent 21st century learners.

I also considered Junior High School as the biggest turning point of my life. From being an introvert person, I became more extrovert as I learn how to communicate with others. My knowledge and ideas about the realities on social classes and societal issues also become more rational and logical. I was also able to make friends and companion during my time in INHS.

My junctures on Campus Journalism doesn’t stop when I graduated from BES. When I was a Grade Seven student, I joined Ang Trailblazers-Official School Publication of Imus National High School. I entered the said publication as an editorial writer. My School Paper Advisers mainly conveys into myself the ways upon comprehending societal issues in order to create a logical editorial write-up. Aside from that, the trainings and seminars that I had attended also helped me to engulf a broader mindset and enigma into various societal issues.

The nameplate of our school publication was altered at the succeeding year because a new set of SPAs were assigned by our school administration. I thought that it will be hard for me to keep up with those changes, but those distinguished substituted SPAs proved me wrong. Instead of dragging me beyond the darkness, they helped me to become a better journalist and a leader that truly a remarkable experiences that I honoured and acknowledged for the rest of my life. They give too much positive impact to me that helps me grow as myself today.

During my time as a member of Panitik Imuseno-Official School Publication of Imus National High School, my SPAs had chosen me to become the Editor-in-Chief of the overall school publication for SY 2017-2018. My journey as the EIC of Panitik Imuseno was truly fruitful since we were able to gather various awards that can prove that I had greatly managed the said publication. All the achievements that the publication have received are not just our pride, but for the whole school as we carried the name of our beloved school.  I am very happy and proud for the success of my tenure as the EIC since I just don’t enhance my skills as a writer and a leader but also, I found and build friendship from it. Most importantly, I’ve met different people that gives me an understanding for diversity.

As a normal teenager, I also got crushes. 2nd year of my Junior High School, I have met Keyen. She caught my attention due to something special in her aura that I’ve found interesting. At first, I kept it as a secret, but my friends don’t do the same. My friends always tease me when she’s around that makes her uncomfortable. Eventually, I’ve develop special feelings toward her, with full courage, I confessed my feelings to her. We talked about it privately and I asked her if it is okay, and fortunately she answered yes.

Keyen was good in handling boys that has crushes on her. She don’t make boys feel awkward and do not turn away. She make sure that boys knew that she prioritize her studies and say it in a nice way. She viewed and treated us as a friend and maintained a healthy friendly-relationship. As times goes by, I thought to myself that I don’t like her anymore instead I’m madly in love with her. The time I realized it, I immediately go to their house and asked permission to her parents if I could court their daughter.

Her family said that it’s okay to them and it’s all up to Keyen. According to them, there’s nothing wrong about it, but we should make sure that we will still prioritize our studies and we will always consider them in every action we will commit. After getting her family’s approval, I introduced Keyen to my family, relatives and friends.  Courting her for years isn’t easy but I whole-heartedly enjoyed the experience. To make the story short, we are now on the third year of our relationship and still striving together to chase our dreams.

After I graduated from INHS, I entered into my new chapter of my life still with Keyen. I had enrolled at Gen. Pantaleon Garcia Senior High School. The said senior high school truly shows upon me the reality of our life. At first, it was hard for me to adopt and adjust with the new environment. New faces, transportation problems, overcrowded classrooms, hot and humid afternoon, and the awful smell of compost pit. Over the time, I used to it and do not complain anymore. The school I thought at first that wouldn’t good for me proved me that I was wrong.

During my 1st year in Senior High School, I really enjoyed schooling despite of my negative first impressions to it. Along the way, I build friendship, met different people, amazed by the teachers, developed news skills and even learned lot of life lessons.

Genpan gives me lots of opportunity that serves as an outlet to share my knowledge and skills to other. It also opens its doors for me to know more my capabilities that I have just discovered in SHS including my skills in Writing Science Related Article. Ms. Shemay Luz Austria, my Filipino teacher and also the school paper adviser of Ang Insurekto, schools official publication encouraged me to try Science Writing. I knew in myself that Science Writing isn’t my forte since my heart was in Editorial Writing which was my writing category for 4 consecutive years. At first I questioned my teachers’ decision to put me in the category I’m not fully familiar with.

I thought it would be hard category for me, but Ms. Mayo was very hard working to teach me the category. She trained me well and brought me to various trainings. I also took it as a challenge, therefore I work hard to ace that particular category. I study hard to know the techniques and improved my reasoning skills in writing. Little by little, I got hooked with Science Writing. After a while, I don’t have idea that I start enjoying it and eventually loved Science Writing.

Fortunately, during the Division School Press Conference, I won 5th Place and made it up to Regional School Press Conference even I am a newbie in Science Writing. I have also tasked to be the Science Page Editor and we made it to be the best Science Page in Imus. I don’t dismayed myself and my SPA and I am very grateful for that. Until now, I’m still amazed with Ms. Austria’s magic. Campus Journalist like me that don’t have an idea to what I have entered made it to triumph because of her patience.

However, COVID-19 Pandemic strike to the Philippines in the year 2020. Due to governments’ incompetence, the health crisis last for years and still don’t have certain date when it will end. The global crisis had also affected my life as an ordinary individual. It changed my everyday lifestyle including schooling. Distance Learning becomes the trend that induce lot of adjustments to every students. The pandemic gives me a glance beyond the hardships that we could encountered because of the differences of our social classes. Apart from that this catastrophe proves within myself to become more diligent and responsible towards foreseeing our dreams.

-END-

JONARD JAMES SARIA 2021 (c)

[apostateangela]

Well, isn’t that just Marvel-ous

I know I said at the end of my last post that there was more sex to come… and more of that particular story.

But I’m having to step back from it this week; just until I talk to my therapist.

Remember this part…?

I can’t tell you all the sex in my marriage happened because I wanted it.

I also can’t comfortably say it was forced upon me.

Let’s just say I don’t want to look at that part of my past yet.

Except, now I have to.

Something that has been happening since I began this endeavor is that as I articulate and create sentences on a page clarifying and identifying realities about my past it makes them more real and subsequently more startling and disturbing.

I wrote it.

And now I can’t help but look at it.

The truth seems to be that a large percentage of the sex in my marriage falls under the category of Forced Consent.

Which is, by definition, sexual assault.

And I don’t know what to do with that…

I promise I will circle back after I flesh some things out in therapy this coming week.

Instead I feel compelled to talk about something that isn’t on my chronological trajectory.

I’m being pulled off course by a very strong force.

Her name is Carol Susan Jane Danvers, also known as Captain Marvel.

Thursday night, when I went to the movie premiere of Captain Marvel, I had a very personal and emotional experience, and not the one I thought I would have.

I have been incredibly excited for this movie.

A badass female superhero who is also a soldier checks so many of my boxes.

I want to be a strong woman. I am looking for strong female role models in both life and fiction.

So this character has been someone I have started to become marginally obsessed with.

I even dressed up as her earth military persona for Halloween.

Sadly, the models of women that I HAVE had don’t always track with this kind of strength that I earnestly desire. So before I delve into my Captain Marvel deconstruction I’m going to add to the pictures of womanhood I have already shared.

Again, let’s start with the Church’s idea of what a woman should be:

I will remind you of a previous post discussing Eve and the concept of a ‘helpmeet’

(Is it good for (Wo)Man to be Alone?).

To add to those scriptures and that image, I’m going to draw your attention to various quotes said and written by men taken from within the structure of the Church, again from lds.org.

From the Church’s founder Joseph Smith:

“Let this Society (he is referencing the Relief Society, the LDS Church Women’s Organization) teach women how to behave towards their husbands, to treat them with mildness and affection. When a man is borne down with trouble, when he is perplexed with care and difficulty, if he can meet a smile instead of an argument or a murmur—if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings; when the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace of affection and kindness” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 228).

Various leaders since Joseph Smith, but all within the late twentieth and twenty first centuries:

“It is divinely ordained what a woman should do, but a man must seek out his work. The divine work of women involves companionship, homemaking, and motherhood” (“In His Steps,” 64).

“Beware of the subtle ways Satan employs to take you from the plan of God [2 Nephi 9:13] and true happiness. One of Satan’s most effective approaches is to demean the role of wife and mother in the home” (Elder Richard G. Scott).

“There are voices in our midst which would attempt to convince you that these home-centered truths are not applicable to our present-day conditions. If you listen and heed, you will be lured away from your principal obligations.

“Beguiling voices in the world cry out for ‘alternative life-styles’ for women. They maintain that some women are better suited for careers than for marriage and motherhood.

“These individuals spread their discontent by the propaganda that there are more exciting and self-fulfilling roles for women than homemaking. Some even have been bold to suggest that the Church move away from the ‘Mormon woman stereotype’ of homemaking and rearing children. They also say it is wise to limit your family so you can have more time for personal goals and self-fulfillment” (“The Honored Place of Woman”).

Translation: Women have a very clear subservient role: that of mild smiling wife, homemaker, and mother.

It is Divinely appropriated, meaning that God has said this is what a woman should be.

If you deviate from this role it is suggested that you are following Satan.

My mother is this woman: a simple, faithful, subservient woman with incredible homemaking skills. I learned from her.

But it goes deeper than that; my grandmothers, aunts, great grandmothers, friends, and fellow sisters in the church all followed in the footsteps of Eve, holding themselves accountable to God and their husbands, fully dependant and creating beautiful homes while rearing well-behaved, righteous children.

I suppose I should take this opportunity to say that I do not regret my choice of motherhood.

I value my abilities to garden, sew, crochet, embroidery, preserve food, cook, and keep a clean house.

These are all good things. So is this picture of womanhood inherently problematic?

No. The problem lies in the message that THIS WOMAN is all you CAN or SHOULD be.

That someone else, a man or group of men specifically, knows what is best for you and only through him/them can you become the best woman you can become.

This was my culture.

Add to that my marriage to the unstable, narcissistic sociopath I’ve mentioned before, and you have a clear picture of the limitations and restrictions and sorrow that surrounded much of my life.

(Captain Marvel is on her way, wait for it)

One of the key tools a narcissist uses within their relationships is gaslighting.

From Psychology Today:

Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and ultimately lose her or his own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. The term is derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by causing her to question herself and her reality.

There will be a seperate gaslighting post, but sufficeth to say that as “the gaslighter creates a negative narrative about the gaslightee (“There’s something wrong and inadequate about you”)” both my husband and the church as an organization created this narrative for and about me.

Back to Captain Marvel=Spoiler alert!

Captain Marvel is a story of a woman who finds herself with significant gaps in her memory, to the point that she doesn’t really know who she is. She is given significant training and instruction on who she should be and how she should act with a suitable noble cause attached. This indoctrination extends beyond military training as she has a device in her neck that limits her use of power and allows her to be directly brainwashed by an AI all powerful entity (something God-like) called The Supreme Intelligence. It is discovered as the movie progresses that her past has been taken away from her as well as her identity. She has been shattered like her dogtags, reduced to Vers, a small piece of who she was or could become. Her incredible power is muted and the gaslighting spins the lie that it is only through the Divine will of the all powerful Supreme Intelligence that supposedly gave it to her (with an alien blood transfusion) that she has any power whatsoever. This lie extends even further in that she must be taught to control this gifted power through the instruction of a male benefactor, Yon-Rogg. He says more than once that it is his job to help Vers become all that she can be through his instruction and the controlling of her emotions and there-by her power.

Are you seeing the parallels yet? (a prescriptive identity with a noble cause, power that is God’s and not yours, a culture outlining your worth and purpose, lies used to make you feel powerless, emotions being pitched as something bad and wrong).

Writing that summary paragraph makes me want to vomit. My stomach is literally clenching.

And this was true during the movie as well.

I spent much of the movie horrified for Carol Danvers and simultaneously myself.

Good Job Marvel and Disney, you always create this fucking hero’s journey where the protagonist had to struggle through incredible challenges and odds until they eventually prevail.

But truthfully, we see ourselves in this fiction because it is archetypal and resonates deep within us.

And like a true hero, Captain Marvel does discover who she is, unspins the lies, unleashes her own power and its potential, and kicks everyone’s ass that needs to be kicked.

The problem is, we can’t all be Captain Marvel… can we?

A wise man who went to the movie with me, whom I love and who knows my tragic story, said to me afterward as we were talking about my obvious emotional response to the movie and the existence of parallels, “See, your blog and Muay Thai are your superpowers.”

(yes, I’m in martial arts training. I’m sure I’ll write about that at some time in the future)

This should have made me feel good.

But it did not.

Compared to the atomic, otherworldly, titan-like power of Captain Marvel,

these small things felt like nothing.

I’m sorry, or I’m not sorry… I apologize too much….rather, I’m filled with sorrow that this is my take away.

But it is important for me to be honest here.

My experience watching this incredible movie was that of emotional horror.

I was sad for what had been done to Carol Danvers because I understood the scope of that.

I understand the feelings of confusion at having your identity stripped away and not knowing who you really are.

I understand how it feels to only have flashes of yourself somewhere in your heart and brain, but not being able to nail them down or see them clearly. And to have people around you tell you to ignore those things and then outline for you what you are supposed to be.

I understand what it feels like to be gaslighted by a culture, an organization, a God, and a man who was supposed to care for you, to the point that you completely buy the lie.

Even if the lie is about you.

I understand how it feels to be told you have no power. And if you ever did exhibit evidence of having any power, being told that it isn’t really yours, but something given to you by God and thereby only good for doing the things that God told you to.

I understand being told that my desires and emotions were wrong and that I needed to stamp them down and “control” them.

Watching this movie for the first time made me also understand that my story was not as far along as Carol’s.

I didn’t feel powerful.

I didn’t feel strong.

The good news is, I went and saw the movie again the next night.

So here is my addendum:

There are three lines that impacted me the most from both my viewings… (forgive me if they are not exactly accurate). As I heard these three lines again, the negative feelings I experienced after the first showing shifted.

First: At one point in the movie, after much of the lies are revealed and Carol discovers that even the war she’s been fighting is based on an ugly lie, her old friend Maria Rambeau says this to her,

“You are Carol Danvers. You are smart, funny, and a huge pain in the ass.”

Rambeau then expresses how Carol had supported her as a mother and a pilot as well as standing up for those who needed her--as a hero should.

This moment reminds me that when I can’t believe in myself

or doubt my strength, power, and validity because of my Mormon programming

and the gaslighting of my culture and my ex-husband,

there are those around me that believe me and know who I am.

I need to turn to them for their support and clarification.

When my kind, smart companion told me of my superpowers,

I needed to believe him

and take comfort that even if I don’t know, others do.

And they will help me with my truth based on evidence and experience instead of abstract rules and limiting parameters.

And he is right. This blog is my unfettered voice and Muay Thai is helping me create both mental and physical strength. Both allow me to fight for myself.

Second: One of the most powerful moments in the Captain Marvel movie is when Carol is being held by the AI and it tells her, “Without us, you’re only human.”

A montage of all the moments in Carol Danvers original life where she got knocked down in some way, but then got up flashes across the screen.

There is a clear moment of revelation for Captain Marvel.

And Carol Susan Jane Danvers replies, “You are right. I’m only human.”

After which, she breaks free of the not so powerful AI holding her.

This line is where it’s all at for me.

Because the images of Carol through different ages of her life, taking risks, and doing what she wants in spite of the people who tell her she can’t,

then falling, failing.

AND THEN, getting back up and trying again and again until she succeeds creates the message that... it is THIS behaviour that makes us remarkable HUMANS.

I am humbled to be able to tell you that THIS is also WHO I AM.

If I do anything of note, it is that I do not give up. I keep trying and I get up after I fall.

It is in this way that I am heroic.

It is in this way that I have risen from the rubble of my damaging paradigms.

It is in this way that I seek to find the new ways in which I will live my life.

I will continue to keep trying to find myself, and my truth.

I will not fall back into that which was created for me, but instead create a place and identity for myself.

Finally, there is the line that is sure to go down in the history of this movie as its most quotable line. Captain Marvel says,

“I’ve been fighting with one hand behind my back, but what happens when I am finally set free?”

This is both a rhetorical and a warning question.

Because as Carol Danvers removes the control device in her neck and both channels and releases all her power, she defeats those who have held her captive and steps into that place where she can and does realize her true potential.

Sure, she has some moments when she fumbles around a bit and has to feel things out, discovering what she can do as she experiments and fights her way free.

But eventually she FLYS, glowing in all her glory.

And the final message she leaves us with, is in her handling of Yon-Rogg when she, without hesitation shoots him and says, “I don’t have to prove anything to you.”

I agree Carol, I do not have to prove anything to those who held me captive in foolish dogma and lies.

But, I am not flying… yet.

I HAVE broken free of everything that was tying my figurative hands.

And while my wrists are still chafed and I am trying to rid myself of the psychological muscle memory, I believe I will only continue to heal and discover my power and its potential.

I must.

Because I will not stand for the alternative.

-Angela

[trumptweettuesdays-blog]

TTT 7.10.18

This week’s themes are Supreme Court Nominee, Immigration, EPA Director Resigns, NATO, Trade, North Korea, Russia Collusion, Iran, Drug Prices, Breastfeeding, Campaigning, Propaganda, and Presidential Notes

Supreme Court Nominee

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, traditionally a swing vote, resigned from the Court, which opens up a spot for Trump to nominate a new judge to the highest court in the land.  Trump had a list of five potential nominees, and chose Brett Kavanaugh as his nominee.  Kavanaugh has a long record and pundits say he has the experience to be on the Supreme Court.  He is a highly conservative judge and many are afraid of how he might handle cases on abortion and LGBTQ issues; Trump is being hailed for putting a “intellectual conservative” on the court.  There is a long battle ahead before he is confirmed.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/09/us/politics/trump-supreme-court-nominee.html

Immigration

Trump continues his nativist agenda this week with a series of Tweets against undocumented immigrants, specifically Latinx immigrants.  He Tweeted about counterfeit items brought in, more violence from the MS-13 gang, and the “infestation” of undocumented immigrants.  This rhetoric is in response to the backlash he received after separating parents from their children at the border and holding young ones in detainment camps.  

At the same time, Trump Tweeted about the low unemployment rate of Hispanics and Latinos - a move to keep Latinxs on his side.  It’s ridiculous how Trump refers to Latinxs as a violent infestation one minute and the next tries to say he is a good president for Latinxs by helping them with their unemployment rate.

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/a-closer-look-at-the-false-accusations-about-immigration-from-trump-democratic-critics

https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/03/politics/trump-ms13-illegal-immigration-rhetoric/index.html

EPA Director Resigns

Environmental Protection Agency Director, Scott Pruitt, resigned after months of scandal exposing his illegal activities including using taxpayer money to travel and building a soundproof telephone booth.

Despite his unethical and illegal activities, Trump stood by Pruitt when he resigned.  As reported by CNN, Trump said: "There was no final straw, Scott is a terrific guy. He came to me and he said, 'Look, I have such great confidence in the administration. I don't want to be a distraction.' "

As director, Pruitt sidestepped science and climate change and created policies that supported companies rather than the environment.

https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/05/politics/scott-pruitt-epa-resigns/index.html

https://www.cnbc.com/2018/06/08/trump-spoke-to-scott-pruitt-amid-reports-of-white-house-probe-into-epa-chief.html

NATO

Trump is leaving for a NATO gathering while criticizing countries for not donating enough funds to NATO.  Some estimates are that only 5 of 29 nations meet the spending requirements.

https://www.cnbc.com/2018/07/10/trump-pushes-nato-allies-to-increase-spending-as-us-funding-slows.html

Trade

Trump has begun a full trade war, imposing tariffs on Canada, EU, and China. China is now imposing tariffs on soybeans in retaliation.  Trump argues this is what is best for the US economy but many, if not most, economists believe this trade war will be disastrous for the United States in the long run.

http://www.businessinsider.com/trump-tariffs-china-trade-war-soybean-exports-gdp-2018-7

https://www.politico.com/story/2018/07/09/trump-trade-war-china-tariffs-702292

North Korea

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo went to North Korea to work on the denuclearization effort. Pompeo said it is going to take time, perhaps even decades, to create a working solution while Trump believes the document he signed with Kim is pretty much an agreement.

https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/09/politics/trump-kim-jong-un-denuclearize/index.html

Russia Collusion

Trump claimed that he won a lawsuit against him regarding collusion with Russia, when he did not.  A few DNC members brought a case against Trump to a DC court, but the judge dismissed the case because it was not clear the calls/data occurred in DC.  The judge did not dismiss the case for a lack of evidence.  In other Tweets, Trump just makes his repeated general claims that the investigation into the Russia collusion is a “witch hunt” and that it should end.  

http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/395828-trump-incorrectly-tweets-about-lawsuit-victory-over-alleged

Iran

Trump decided to reimpose restrictions on Iran because of nuclear weapons. Trump is telling all other nations to stop buying from Iran by November or he will threaten their use of the US banking system. Trump is angry at OPEC for raising gas prices but OPEC says they are doing their best to accommodate the loss of oil from Iran.

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2018-07-10/american-allies-starved-of-iran-oil-even-before-trump-s-deadline

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-oil-opec/do-not-blame-opec-oil-producer-group-says-of-trump-criticism-idUSKBN1JZ2RB

Drug Prices

Trump promised lower drug prices while Pfizer raised the cost of 100 of its drugs on July 1st.  Trump is using Twitter to shame Pfizer for the cost increase while Pfizer says they raised prices on only some of their drugs.

http://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/medical-devices-and-prescription-drug-policy/396129-trump-takes-aim-at-pfizer-over

Breastfeeding

The United Nations-affiliated World Health Assembly had a meeting in Geneva, one of the items discussed was the endorsement of breastfeeding as the best, most healthy option for mothers and children (assuming there are no other intervening health problems).  The assembly expected easy support for the resolution. The US delegation said they would not support the measure, citing health concerns when really it is because there are corporate interests in selling formula.  Ecuador had planned to introduce the measure so the US threatened trade consequences if they went forward; Ecuador capitulated.   These details were covered in a New York Times story. Trump claimed the US was only trying to protect women, instead of protect corporate interests.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/08/health/world-health-breastfeeding-ecuador-trump.html

Campaigning

Trump visited Montana and West Virginia to promote his MAGA agenda and support Republican candidates.  His Montana speech was particularly offensive.  He encouraged more hate toward Hillary Clinton saying she received special treatment by the justice department; he tried to discredit the news more by calling them all fake news; he said Putin was a fine person when it’s clear that Russia interfered with the election; and, he said that a vote for Democrats was a vote for violent, gang affiliated immigrants. In other words, Trump’s MAGA approach continues to uphold White men propertied interests while encouraging a dictatorship like propaganda.

Trump also went to West Virginia to a golf course tournament, where he was friendly with WV governor Justice.  Justice was elected as a Democrat but switched to the Republican party at a rally with Trump last year.

Trump also continued his fight against Democrats by attacking Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelosi.  As reported in TTT, Waters encouraged people to refuse business access to Trump administration members as the Red Hen restaurant did.

https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/06/politics/donald-trump-montana-speech/index.html

http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/395460-trump-heads-to-west-virginia-to-visit-with-gop-governor

Propaganda

Trump shared over a 2 minute propaganda video that shows multiple news correspondents saying Trump would never be elected with the caption “they just didn’t get it, but they do now!”  A childish move to make fun of his opponents.  It’s unclear who runs the Elouai YouTube channel that Trump got the video from.

Trump also reported on Twitter deleting fake accounts - accounts that Twitter feels are unverified for a number of reasons.  Trump used this news report to somehow attack the NY Times and the Washington Post, who of course would not be deleted for just disagreeing with the president - that would be censorship!

Other propaganda Tweets this week are of his normal ilk.  One funny one, however, was where Trump was self-congratulating himself on his books and writing skills but then in the Tweet used the incorrect spelling of “pore,” using “pour” instead.  Author, JK Rowling, saw the Tweet and laughed at him on her Twitter account.

https://variety.com/2018/digital/news/twitter-stock-deleted-fake-accounts-1202868405/

https://people.com/politics/jk-rowling-trolls-donald-trump-tweet-typo/

Presidential Notes

Most of Trump’s presidential Tweets this week are about the Fourth of July celebration, which he took advantage of to promote his pro-flag, pro-America, pro-armed forces stance.  On the 4th, Trump spent several hours at his golf club and then held a picnic for military families.

Trump also noted the sad story about 12 boys and their coach who were trapped in a flooded Thailand cave.  After over two weeks, Thailand Navy Seals successfully rescued all of them.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/07/04/donald-trump-july-fourth/757655002/

https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/jul/10/thailand-cave-rescue-team-begin-operation-to-free-last-of-trapped-boys

[drippeddaily]

Album of the Year 2017 #01: SZA - CTRL.

Album of the Year 2017 #01: SZA - CTRL.

Artist: SZA Album: CTRL

Listen:

Apple Music

Spotify

Background:

SZA (Self Savior, Zig Zag Zig, Allah in the Supreme Alphabet), born Solána Rowe, is the woman I’m going to talk about today. Her, and her debut album, CTRL, my second album of the year behind Lorde’s Melodrama. At barely 26 years old, her life has taken a lot of turns: from being a gymnast to working with Beyoncé and Rihanna to being a model for Ivy Park to being a neo-soul superstar. Born in St. Louis, from a black-muslim family, she only could listen to one genre of music in her house: jazz, with the artists her father played, like Miles Davis, Billie Holiday or Louis Armstrong. This would mark the jazzy production on CTRL. Other of her influences would be given by one of her friends, in a Bar Mitzvah: she got gifted a CD mixtape with Red Hot Chili Peppers, LFO and Macy Gray, what she called emo sad white rich kid shit. She loved it.

But that isn’t everything; one day her old brother gave her an iPod. On it, she found artists that completely broke with the styles of music she was accustomed to: Wu-Tang Clan, Björk, Common, Mos Def, Nas and Jay-Z. Her brother (Manhattan) also introduced her to music: when she was 19, he asked her to do backing vocals for one of his songs, Where Do We Go?.

Fast forward a year: SZA self-releases her debut mixtape See.SZA.Run, which included the single Time Travel Undone. Later in 2013, she signs to TDE and releases an EP, S. Then in 2014 she released another EP, Z, including the songs Child’s Play featuring Chance the Rapper and Babylon featuring Kendrick Lamar. Some writing credits with Beyoncé and Nicki, some others with Travis Scott and ScHoolboy Q, a feature with Jay Rock, and we get to the first big jump: Rihanna’s Consideration.

Consideration is the intro track to the 2016 surprise-released Rihanna album, Anti. Well we don’t know if it was a surprise, but Tidal fucked up. SZA had previously spoken about Rihanna in a series of tweets calling her and Ciara out, but they became friends after. Consideration could be considered SZA’s first step into mainstream, especially thanks to that BRITs performance. To the track, SZA does the post-choruses and the outro. They are beautifully written, and SZA’s voice does a beautiful contrast with Rihanna’s.

When I look outside my window I can't get no peace of mind

It’s a pessimistic line, evoking a moment of sadness. The picture of people looking at the window is constant in movies and shows, waiting for something to come or happen. But when SZA looks at the window, she can’t see nothing positive. Those two lines could condense SZA’s lyrical skills.

Review:

That is my greatest fear, that if, if I lost control, or did not have control, things would just, you know, I would be… fatal.

“Supermodel”, the first track in SZA’s debut album CTRL, starts with these lines. They’re not spoken by her, but by her mother. SZA explained what control is for her in a Genius interview:

“I have no control, there is no such thing as control. I’m chasing control. I’m craving control. I’m losing control. It’s a culmination of all these things, of this word, of this concept, that’s just run my life for so long, that’s just been very obsessive. [...] Like, ‘No, don’t put out an album until you’re a better writer.’ And the truth is, sometimes you just have to let go."

We chase control in our lives. For many, our life goal is being with someone we love, in a pretty house, with a job we enjoy. But sometimes things don’t work out like that. Supermodel talks about SZA having a boyfriend, who heads to Vegas on Valentine’s Day. She later receives a call from one of his friends: they all had a orgy that day. This line feels like a bomb in a first listen:

Let me tell you a secret I been secretly banging your homeboy Why you in Vegas all up on Valentine's Day?

SZA spits the lines over the looped chords of an electric guitar, the only beat of the song until the second minute, where some drums kick in. If he can cheat on her, she cheats on him. In an interview with The Breakfast Club, she revealed that after getting that call she started to go after one of his boyfriend’s friends, who she had a crush on. She uses the second and first person to end the verse:

Oh no she didn't Oh yes I did Oh no she didn't I'll do it again

This showcases the surprise of his boyfriend, the second person, to the indifference of her. She will do it again, just to hurt him more if it’s necessary. But at the same time, she isn’t comfortable with her new… Boyfriend? FWB? At all, SZA isn’t comfortable with a man, but she can’t be alone:

Why I can't stay alone just by myself? Wish I was comfortable just with myself But I need you, but I need you, but I need you

That’s a feeling many have. Even if it hurts, you need to be with someone. At the end, one needs to love itself, and move on. But instead, SZA breaks up with her boyfriend to move on with his friend:

That's why I stayed with ya The dick was too good It made me feel good For temporary love You was a temporary lover

Still, she has insecurities she can’t let go. She looks for attention, but instead of love, only gets sex back. But it’s not bad for her, that still makes her feel good. And the chorus repeats again, going back to the wish I was comfortable just with myself lines, but this time it doesn’t apply to her old boyfriend, but to her new temporary lover. She went from a toxic relationship to another one. Sometimes, that person you love doesn’t love you as much, and that house you wanted for your future family won’t be bought. At the end, Supermodel becomes an hymn about letting go. About not being dependant of others. About getting over your insecurities. About being comfortable with yourself.

Then, “Love Galore” does a flash-forward. The second single of CTRL becomes a flash-forward from Supermodel. It starts with an intro sung by Travis Scott, that goes by I need, I need several times, to which SZA’s chorus replies love, love. While he doesn’t know what he wants (sex, love, a family), SZA is sure about her ideas: as long as they have love, they’ll be fine.

But, Love Galore has a special line that hits in the pre-chorus:

Why you bother me when you know you don't want me?

It’s a relatable sentiment. How many times has someone avoided talking with you after they started talking? In an era of digital communication where you can get everything through Twitter and talk with anybody, ignoring someone is easier than ever. Face to face, you can’t just leave running and have an excuse. Ask a girl, she’ll tell you about how she has fifteen guys texting her but none has asked her on a date. In any other context this line would feel pretty conservative, but on SZA’s words it works out. Then, the second line hits:

Why you bother me when you know you got a woman?

Now ask the same girl as before, and she’ll tell you about how half of those guys had a girlfriend and just wanted her to be either a side chick or a plan B. The whole pre-chorus is an oxymoron to the first verse, which talked about a temporary love (just like Supermodel), a summer fling, but now talks about taking any opportunity to be with her lover:

I be looking for ya Got me looking forward to weekends With you baby, with you baby [..] We do whatever we want, go wherever we want Love however we want, it don't matter You'll do whatever I want, get whatever I want Get whatever I need, it's about (love, love)

The last two lines mark a huge change in the song: they might be playing, but now it’s her time to play with him. She wants him, but at the same time she is the one who will decide over him. The one who will leaver her on read. But then you have the gorgeous outro:

I came to your city, lookin' for lovin' n' licky 'Cause you promised to put it down All up in your city, lookin' for you, uh Searchin' for you like love Only thing keepin' me from droppin' you right now Right now, love Only thing keepin' me by your side Only thing keepin' me by your side now

Go back to the same girl you talked with before. Has she been ghosted? Ever? Probably. Maybe the guy got a cold, maybe he was at a party, maybe he just forgot. SZA explains it once again to Genius:

The outro is the telltale story of you be in the area. You said you wanted to do all these things. Like, you wanted to spend time and, you know, talked a good one. Via whatever. Via text, via on the phone, and then you go ghost. That’s happened to so many girls. [...] But, I have been in a place where I felt like I liked somebody and I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. So you just end up being quiet. Like, the whole time, in this place where the other person is. It could be a city, it could be a proverbial city. It could be a room. It could be a party.

Love Galore is as a whole an anthem to digital love, in the good and the bad side. It’s a song that empowers to dump the guys who just want side chicks, to get out of toxic relationship, to recognize what’s wrong with you and your lover.

Fearin' not growin' up Keepin' me up at night Am I doin' enough? Feel like I'm wastin' time

“Prom”, the fifth track, is a come back to the sound of her old mixtapes, doing disco-pop that many other popstars could have done. It’s teen angst, but late teen angst: prom season is coming of age, growing apart, and looking forward to the future. All of this happens while SZA sings about not maturing as fast as her boyfriend:

Please don't take it, don't take it personal Like I know you usually do

While he is caring with her, she just can’t give back. She just isn’t ready for a relationship. One of my favourite lines on the song is at the end of the second verse:

To run and hide out somewhere So far away Hoppin' through poppy fields Dodgin' evil witches These houses keep droppin' everywhere

Which is a reference to The Wizard of Oz. SZA likes to reference movies in her songs, like Forrest Gump in “Doves In The Wind” or Misery in the “Love Galore” video. Those evil witches are those mean girls and high-school, and the houses are her possible futures: what career to choose, who to settle down with… and just as with The Wizard of Oz, what matters in high-school is the journey, not the ending; the friends and experiences you make along the way, not going to university.

Prom feels like a song stuck in a 90’s movie: after the couple leaves town in their convertible, the song starts to play as the camera does an aerial shot of the car far away, driving through the country roads, and then the credits kick in. Maybe it could be the ending of the album, but instead it rolls out to “The Weekend”.

And then there is “The Weekend”.

You say you got a girl How you want me? How you want me when you got a girl?

“The Weekend” starts as every other SZA song, or that’s what many people say: she is a side-chick in a relationship with a man who already has a girlfriend. These lines are from her perspective, facing his partner. The first verse follows:

Of knowin' it's selfish Knowin' I'm desperate Gettin' all in your love Fallin' all over love, like Do it 'til it hurts less

She desperately looks for his attention, trying to love him enough to make him dump his girlfriend and be with her. The irony of the last line is how even if he broke up with the other woman, and SZA became his girlfriend, the man would keep on cheating her with another woman. It will hurt less to be with him, sure, but he still won’t be only hers.

Hanging out the back, all up in your lap Like is you comin' home? Is you out with her? I don't care long as you're here by 10:30, no later than Drop them drawers, give me what I want

The lines are self-explanatory. She went from not caring about the other woman to worry about his relationship with her. But still, she doesn’t care as long as she gets sex. Then you get one of the most beautiful chorus this year:

My man is my man is your man Heard it's her man too [...] Tuesday and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I just keep him satisfied through the weekend You're like 9 to 5, I'm the weekend Make him lose his mind every weekend You take Wednesday, Thursday Then just send him my way Think I got it covered for the weekend

Where she compares herself as a weekend with him, while his girlfriend is with him during the weekdays. This line also could have a deeper meaning: while he doesn’t enjoy his work (the weekdays, the other woman) and feels stressed about it, the weekend (her) are moments of relax. He enjoys more the moments he spends with SZA rather than with her girlfriend. As she says in “Love Galore” (got me looking forward to weekends), he looks forward to the weekend to be liberated.

I gotta say I'm in the mood for a little bit more of that I mean I'm saying what kind of deal is two days? I need me at least 'bout four of them More of them, more of you on me On us, just tell me you want me, yeah

In the second SZA starts to argue about the arrangement her and the girlfriend did: while one gets 5 days, the other only gets 2.

Monday and I'll be at your door Ready to take her place Ready to give you What you've been missin' on weekdays What you've been waitin' for 10:30, no later than Drop them drawers, I know what you want

Now SZA breaks her arrangement, and decides that she wants the man all for her. One of the most interesting parts is how the last line also references the last line of the first verse: instead of give me what I want now it’s I know what you want, showing that now she wants to take control of the relationship. Another chorus goes, and then an outro.

What a good song, right? The thing is, to see what makes it great you need to switch the view on the song. “The Weekend” isn’t sung from one perspective; it’s sung from two. Both the side-chick and the girlfriend. And not just one side-chick, but two. And if you go back to the Breakfast Club interview I put around Supermodel, you’ll see she mentions how she talks from both perspectives:

A lot of these songs have dual meanings. I’m speaking from the girlfriend and from the other perspective. Like I’ve been the girlfriend that didn’t know and I’ve been the girl that didn’t know you had a girlfriend.

So at the end of the day, SZA isn’t the side-chick. She is the girlfriend, but sings from both perspectives. In some verses you can’t tell who is singing, like in the one that references home. It’s overall a very interesting song, where unless you get some context you’ll just say that it’s just good, where narratives matters.

That's me, Ms. 20 Something

“20 Something”, starts over some subtle guitar chords. It doesn’t sound like something special, but it is because it’s the first time in the whole album since Supermodel a guitar really stand out. It makes it sound like a bonfire song, and the harmonies in the chorus reinforce that feeling. It’s a campfire song, and just like “Prom”, it’s a song about being stuck but wanting to grow up. While “Prom” situated SZA at the end of high-school, “20 Something” is somewhere in her twenties, maybe finishing college, maybe right now. And while “Prom” was teenage angst, “20 Something” has a feeling of... matureness. SZA sings a beautiful chorus that sums it up:

Stuck in them 20 somethings, stuck in them 20 somethings Good luck on them 20 somethings, good luck on them 20 somethings But God bless these 20 somethings Hopin' my 20 somethings won't end Hopin' to keep the rest of my friends Prayin' the 20 somethings don't kill me, don't kill me

Who hasn’t been told ‘good luck with that’ at any stage of his life? High-school, college, and then those twenty-somethings. A moment where you have to act mature, but you aren’t mature enough for some things. Mature enough to party all night and be responsible of your own acts, but not enough to settle down and buy a house. Some want to be stuck in the former, some look forward to the latter. But as she says, *’God Bless these 20 Somethings’. It’s a stage of life that as any other you have to enjoy and live as you want. Don’t look at the future as something perfect, and try to do the best in the time you have. You need to make your way out of the twenties, stand out, but at the same time it’s necessary to spend those years having fun and being happy. And that’s hard.

Finally, the outro to CTRL is a phone call with SZA’s mother, once again:

And if it's an illusion, I don't want to wake up. I'm gonna hang on to it. Because the alternative is an abyss, is just a hole, a darkness, a nothingness. Who wants that? You know? So that's what I think about control, and that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it. That was beautiful mommy, that was perfect.

And this is what connects “Supermodel” to “20 Something”, what connects CTRL. A phone call from which we only know the start and the end. Those are two points of a story, the story of SZA’s mother, and you can connect them however you want. That’s what shines in CTRL, the skill of making songs that people can relate to. Maybe it’s not the same story they have lived, maybe it’s not their story at all, but it sure is one you can feel that has happened, to SZA and to many other people.

CTRL isn’t a perfect album, neither it has a perfect message. It isn’t free of contradictions (first I need you, but now I don’t need nobody) but CTRL doesn’t pretend to be an album of self-help since the lyrics can’t be more full of guilt, low self-esteem and self-embarrassment. As the title suggests, the control SZA assumes sometimes works and other times, just like a keyboard key, doesn’t. This is SZA’s reality, the one of a ‘twenty-something’ woman, and also many other girls’, who will come to this album not to find answers to their questions but to comfort themselves in the experience a person like them had to suffer and later found the strength to tell.

other favourite lyrics, chosen by other users:

Maybe I should kill my inhibition Maybe I'll be perfect in a new dimension

“Anything”, intro, chosen by u/ThatParanoidPenguin.

I get so lonely, I forget what I'm worth, We get so lonely, we pretend that this works I'm so ashamed of myself think I need therapy

“Drew Barrymore”, second verse, chosen by u/Leixander. It is kinda personal actually. Won't go too deep but in a point of my life I decided that I want to be alone for a while. It didn't go well as you can imagine, but I am way better now. SZA has many lyrics that I found reflecting, like in the later lines of Drew Barrymore's "I am sorry I am not attractive, I am sorry I am not more ladylike" i.e. the lack of self-worth.

How could it be? 20 something, all alone still Not a thing in my name Ain't got nothing, running from love Only know fear

“20 Something”, pre-chorus, chosen by u/-dolantello-. i love the lyrics because i think it perfectly captures the solitude and loneliness that comes to many people when they become young adults

I'm sorry I'm not more ladylike I'm sorry I don't shave my legs at night

“Drew Barrymore”, second verse, chosen by u/Fledgeland. oh and vodka, its because i think its empowering ofc.

I know you'd rather be laid up with a big booty Body hella positive 'cause she got a big booty I know I'd rather be paid up You know I'm sensitive about havin' no booty Havin' nobody, only you, buddy Can you hold me when nobody's around us?

“Garden”, second verse, chosen by u/pasalacquanian. thats my favorite song, and her flow nice there.

Somebody get the tacos, somebody spark the blunt Let's start the Narcos off at episode one

“Drew Barrymore”, first verse, chosen by u/ThatParaonidPenguin. and this, i love drew barrymore. the juxtaposition of asking if its warm enough inside and outside. i could gush about this album all day.

Discussion points:

It took SZA 3 years to release this album. Was it worth the wait or is the more left to be desired? (chosen by u/pasalacquanian)

Are we seeing another rise of storytellers in hip-hop and R&B?

With a genre so focused on objectifying women, how does SZA take the concept and turn it on its head? (chosen by u/ThatParanoidPenguin)

Based on the content of the album, why do you think the name CTRL was chosen? What do you think it means to SZA, and how do themes of the title play out throughout the album? (chosen by u/Fledgeland)

Where do you see SZA going from here? CTRL was an expansive album that covered various different sounds and concepts. Do you think she'll continue with more of the same or further explore different styles? (chosen by u/-dolantello-)

SZA has been called everything in the five years that separate the release of her first mixtape to today. The saviour of female R&B, the female Frank Ocean, the next big popstar, the new Beyoncé. Comparisons are never good, but maybe this time they are. If I wrote this review like this, focusing more on the lyrics than the production (when I prefer production most of the time), it’s because SZA has those lyrical skills that make her stand out. She is a storyteller, and maybe some people compare her with Frank Ocean for that. CTRL is an album full of stories, from falling out of love to parties to growing up, and she tells them all fantastically.

And maybe she is the next big popstar. In a year with few to no female #1s (Taylor, Cardi and Halsey as a feature), pop needs a new star. One with attitude, that is able to make hits and at the same time amazing albums. For me, it’s torn between Ariana Grande, Camila Cabello or Dua Lipa, but SZA is a big contender. She’s had a top 30 single, and her first album debuted at #3 (behind Kendrick Lamar and Katy Perry tho) with 60k copies, half of them pure sales. She has gone on a big Europe tour with Bryson Tiller, got a cover on Billboard and has been working with Kevin Parker (Tame Impala) and Mark Ronson in an album. She has a top 10 hit with Maroon 5. And on top of all, she got 5 nominations for the Grammys this year. Her becoming a star is all a possibility, of course, but SZA sure has a bright future ahead.

Artist: SZAAlbum: CTRLListen:Apple MusicSpotifyBackground:SZA (Self Savior, Zig Zag Zig, Allah in the Supreme Alphabet), born Solána Rowe, is the woman I’m going to talk about today. Her, and her debut album, CTRL, my second album of the year behind Lorde’s Melodrama. At barely 26 years old, her life has taken a lot of turns: from being a gymnast to working with Beyoncé and Rihanna to being a model for Ivy Park to being a neo-soul superstar. Born in St. Louis, from a black-muslim family, she only could listen to one genre of music in her house: jazz, with the artists her father played, like Miles Davis, Billie Holiday or Louis Armstrong. This would mark the jazzy production on CTRL. Other of her influences would be given by one of her friends, in a Bar Mitzvah: she got gifted a CD mixtape with Red Hot Chili Peppers, LFO and Macy Gray, what she called emo sad white rich kid shit. She loved it.But that isn’t everything; one day her old brother gave her an iPod. On it, she found artists that completely broke with the styles of music she was accustomed to: Wu-Tang Clan, Björk, Common, Mos Def, Nas and Jay-Z. Her brother (Manhattan) also introduced her to music: when she was 19, he asked her to do backing vocals for one of his songs, Where Do We Go?.Fast forward a year: SZA self-releases her debut mixtape See.SZA.Run, which included the single Time Travel Undone. Later in 2013, she signs to TDE and releases an EP, S. Then in 2014 she released another EP, Z, including the songs Child’s Play featuring Chance the Rapper and Babylon featuring Kendrick Lamar. Some writing credits with Beyoncé and Nicki, some others with Travis Scott and ScHoolboy Q, a feature with Jay Rock, and we get to the first big jump: Rihanna’s Consideration.Consideration is the intro track to the 2016 surprise-released Rihanna album, Anti. Well we don’t know if it was a surprise, but Tidal fucked up. SZA had previously spoken about Rihanna in a series of tweets calling her and Ciara out, but they became friends after. Consideration could be considered SZA’s first step into mainstream, especially thanks to that BRITs performance. To the track, SZA does the post-choruses and the outro. They are beautifully written, and SZA’s voice does a beautiful contrast with Rihanna’s.When I look outside my windowI can't get no peace of mindIt’s a pessimistic line, evoking a moment of sadness. The picture of people looking at the window is constant in movies and shows, waiting for something to come or happen. But when SZA looks at the window, she can’t see nothing positive. Those two lines could condense SZA’s lyrical skills.Review:That is my greatest fear, that if, if I lost control, or did not have control, things would just, you know, I would be… fatal.“Supermodel”, the first track in SZA’s debut album CTRL, starts with these lines. They’re not spoken by her, but by her mother. SZA explained what control is for her in a Genius interview:“I have no control, there is no such thing as control. I’m chasing control. I’m craving control. I’m losing control. It’s a culmination of all these things, of this word, of this concept, that’s just run my life for so long, that’s just been very obsessive. [...] Like, ‘No, don’t put out an album until you’re a better writer.’ And the truth is, sometimes you just have to let go."We chase control in our lives. For many, our life goal is being with someone we love, in a pretty house, with a job we enjoy. But sometimes things don’t work out like that. Supermodel talks about SZA having a boyfriend, who heads to Vegas on Valentine’s Day. She later receives a call from one of his friends: they all had a orgy that day. This line feels like a bomb in a first listen:Let me tell you a secretI been secretly banging your homeboyWhy you in Vegas all up on Valentine's Day?SZA spits the lines over the looped chords of an electric guitar, the only beat of the song until the second minute, where some drums kick in. If he can cheat on her, she cheats on him. In an interview with The Breakfast Club, she revealed that after getting that call she started to go after one of his boyfriend’s friends, who she had a crush on. She uses the second and first person to end the verse:Oh no she didn'tOh yes I didOh no she didn'tI'll do it againThis showcases the surprise of his boyfriend, the second person, to the indifference of her. She will do it again, just to hurt him more if it’s necessary. But at the same time, she isn’t comfortable with her new… Boyfriend? FWB? At all, SZA isn’t comfortable with a man, but she can’t be alone:Why I can't stay alone just by myself?Wish I was comfortable just with myselfBut I need you, but I need you, but I need youThat’s a feeling many have. Even if it hurts, you need to be with someone. At the end, one needs to love itself, and move on. But instead, SZA breaks up with her boyfriend to move on with his friend:That's why I stayed with yaThe dick was too goodIt made me feel goodFor temporary loveYou was a temporary loverStill, she has insecurities she can’t let go. She looks for attention, but instead of love, only gets sex back. But it’s not bad for her, that still makes her feel good. And the chorus repeats again, going back to the wish I was comfortable just with myself lines, but this time it doesn’t apply to her old boyfriend, but to her new temporary lover. She went from a toxic relationship to another one. Sometimes, that person you love doesn’t love you as much, and that house you wanted for your future family won’t be bought. At the end, Supermodel becomes an hymn about letting go. About not being dependant of others. About getting over your insecurities. About being comfortable with yourself.Then, “Love Galore” does a flash-forward. The second single of CTRL becomes a flash-forward from Supermodel. It starts with an intro sung by Travis Scott, that goes by I need, I need several times, to which SZA’s chorus replies love, love. While he doesn’t know what he wants (sex, love, a family), SZA is sure about her ideas: as long as they have love, they’ll be fine.But, Love Galore has a special line that hits in the pre-chorus:Why you bother me when you know you don't want me?It’s a relatable sentiment. How many times has someone avoided talking with you after they started talking? In an era of digital communication where you can get everything through Twitter and talk with anybody, ignoring someone is easier than ever. Face to face, you can’t just leave running and have an excuse. Ask a girl, she’ll tell you about how she has fifteen guys texting her but none has asked her on a date. In any other context this line would feel pretty conservative, but on SZA’s words it works out. Then, the second line hits:Why you bother me when you know you got a woman?Now ask the same girl as before, and she’ll tell you about how half of those guys had a girlfriend and just wanted her to be either a side chick or a plan B. The whole pre-chorus is an oxymoron to the first verse, which talked about a temporary love (just like Supermodel), a summer fling, but now talks about taking any opportunity to be with her lover:I be looking for yaGot me looking forward to weekendsWith you baby, with you baby[..]We do whatever we want, go wherever we wantLove however we want, it don't matterYou'll do whatever I want, get whatever I wantGet whatever I need, it's about (love, love)The last two lines mark a huge change in the song: they might be playing, but now it’s her time to play with him. She wants him, but at the same time she is the one who will decide over him. The one who will leaver her on read. But then you have the gorgeous outro:I came to your city, lookin' for lovin' n' licky'Cause you promised to put it downAll up in your city, lookin' for you, uhSearchin' for you like loveOnly thing keepin' me from droppin' you right nowRight now, loveOnly thing keepin' me by your sideOnly thing keepin' me by your side nowGo back to the same girl you talked with before. Has she been ghosted? Ever? Probably. Maybe the guy got a cold, maybe he was at a party, maybe he just forgot. SZA explains it once again to Genius:The outro is the telltale story of you be in the area. You said you wanted to do all these things. Like, you wanted to spend time and, you know, talked a good one. Via whatever. Via text, via on the phone, and then you go ghost. That’s happened to so many girls. [...] But, I have been in a place where I felt like I liked somebody and I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. So you just end up being quiet. Like, the whole time, in this place where the other person is. It could be a city, it could be a proverbial city. It could be a room. It could be a party.Love Galore is as a whole an anthem to digital love, in the good and the bad side. It’s a song that empowers to dump the guys who just want side chicks, to get out of toxic relationship, to recognize what’s wrong with you and your lover.Fearin' not growin' upKeepin' me up at nightAm I doin' enough?Feel like I'm wastin' time“Prom”, the fifth track, is a come back to the sound of her old mixtapes, doing disco-pop that many other popstars could have done. It’s teen angst, but late teen angst: prom season is coming of age, growing apart, and looking forward to the future. All of this happens while SZA sings about not maturing as fast as her boyfriend:Please don't take it, don't take it personalLike I know you usually doWhile he is caring with her, she just can’t give back. She just isn’t ready for a relationship. One of my favourite lines on the song is at the end of the second verse:To run and hide out somewhereSo far awayHoppin' through poppy fieldsDodgin' evil witchesThese houses keep droppin' everywhereWhich is a reference to The Wizard of Oz. SZA likes to reference movies in her songs, like Forrest Gump in “Doves In The Wind” or Misery in the “Love Galore” video. Those evil witches are those mean girls and high-school, and the houses are her possible futures: what career to choose, who to settle down with… and just as with The Wizard of Oz, what matters in high-school is the journey, not the ending; the friends and experiences you make along the way, not going to university.Prom feels like a song stuck in a 90’s movie: after the couple leaves town in their convertible, the song starts to play as the camera does an aerial shot of the car far away, driving through the country roads, and then the credits kick in. Maybe it could be the ending of the album, but instead it rolls out to “The Weekend”.And then there is “The Weekend”.You say you got a girlHow you want me?How you want me when you got a girl?“The Weekend” starts as every other SZA song, or that’s what many people say: she is a side-chick in a relationship with a man who already has a girlfriend. These lines are from her perspective, facing his partner. The first verse follows:Of knowin' it's selfishKnowin' I'm desperateGettin' all in your loveFallin' all over love, likeDo it 'til it hurts lessShe desperately looks for his attention, trying to love him enough to make him dump his girlfriend and be with her. The irony of the last line is how even if he broke up with the other woman, and SZA became his girlfriend, the man would keep on cheating her with another woman. It will hurt less to be with him, sure, but he still won’t be only hers.Hanging out the back, all up in your lapLike is you comin' home?Is you out with her?I don't care long as you're here by10:30, no later thanDrop them drawers, give me what I wantThe lines are self-explanatory. She went from not caring about the other woman to worry about his relationship with her. But still, she doesn’t care as long as she gets sex. Then you get one of the most beautiful chorus this year:My man is my man is your manHeard it's her man too[...]Tuesday and Wednesday, Thursday and FridayI just keep him satisfied through the weekendYou're like 9 to 5, I'm the weekendMake him lose his mind every weekendYou take Wednesday, ThursdayThen just send him my wayThink I got it covered for the weekendWhere she compares herself as a weekend with him, while his girlfriend is with him during the weekdays. This line also could have a deeper meaning: while he doesn’t enjoy his work (the weekdays, the other woman) and feels stressed about it, the weekend (her) are moments of relax. He enjoys more the moments he spends with SZA rather than with her girlfriend. As she says in “Love Galore” (got me looking forward to weekends), he looks forward to the weekend to be liberated.I gotta say I'm in the mood for a little bit more of thatI mean I'm saying what kind of deal is two days?I need me at least 'bout four of themMore of them, more of you on meOn us, just tell me you want me, yeahIn the second SZA starts to argue about the arrangement her and the girlfriend did: while one gets 5 days, the other only gets 2.Monday and I'll be at your doorReady to take her placeReady to give youWhat you've been missin' on weekdaysWhat you've been waitin' for10:30, no later thanDrop them drawers, I know what you wantNow SZA breaks her arrangement, and decides that she wants the man all for her. One of the most interesting parts is how the last line also references the last line of the first verse: instead of give me what I want now it’s I know what you want, showing that now she wants to take control of the relationship. Another chorus goes, and then an outro.What a good song, right? The thing is, to see what makes it great you need to switch the view on the song. “The Weekend” isn’t sung from one perspective; it’s sung from two. Both the side-chick and the girlfriend. And not just one side-chick, but two. And if you go back to the Breakfast Club interview I put around Supermodel, you’ll see she mentions how she talks from both perspectives:A lot of these songs have dual meanings. I’m speaking from the girlfriend and from the other perspective. Like I’ve been the girlfriend that didn’t know and I’ve been the girl that didn’t know you had a girlfriend.So at the end of the day, SZA isn’t the side-chick. She is the girlfriend, but sings from both perspectives. In some verses you can’t tell who is singing, like in the one that references home. It’s overall a very interesting song, where unless you get some context you’ll just say that it’s just good, where narratives matters.That's me, Ms. 20 Something“20 Something”, starts over some subtle guitar chords. It doesn’t sound like something special, but it is because it’s the first time in the whole album since Supermodel a guitar really stand out. It makes it sound like a bonfire song, and the harmonies in the chorus reinforce that feeling. It’s a campfire song, and just like “Prom”, it’s a song about being stuck but wanting to grow up. While “Prom” situated SZA at the end of high-school, “20 Something” is somewhere in her twenties, maybe finishing college, maybe right now. And while “Prom” was teenage angst, “20 Something” has a feeling of... matureness. SZA sings a beautiful chorus that sums it up:Stuck in them 20 somethings, stuck in them 20 somethingsGood luck on them 20 somethings, good luck on them 20 somethingsBut God bless these 20 somethingsHopin' my 20 somethings won't endHopin' to keep the rest of my friendsPrayin' the 20 somethings don't kill me, don't kill meWho hasn’t been told ‘good luck with that’ at any stage of his life? High-school, college, and then those twenty-somethings. A moment where you have to act mature, but you aren’t mature enough for some things. Mature enough to party all night and be responsible of your own acts, but not enough to settle down and buy a house. Some want to be stuck in the former, some look forward to the latter. But as she says, *’God Bless these 20 Somethings’. It’s a stage of life that as any other you have to enjoy and live as you want. Don’t look at the future as something perfect, and try to do the best in the time you have. You need to make your way out of the twenties, stand out, but at the same time it’s necessary to spend those years having fun and being happy. And that’s hard.Finally, the outro to CTRL is a phone call with SZA’s mother, once again:And if it's an illusion, I don't want to wake up. I'm gonna hang on to it. Because the alternative is an abyss, is just a hole, a darkness, a nothingness. Who wants that? You know? So that's what I think about control, and that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.That was beautiful mommy, that was perfect.And this is what connects “Supermodel” to “20 Something”, what connects CTRL. A phone call from which we only know the start and the end. Those are two points of a story, the story of SZA’s mother, and you can connect them however you want. That’s what shines in CTRL, the skill of making songs that people can relate to. Maybe it’s not the same story they have lived, maybe it’s not their story at all, but it sure is one you can feel that has happened, to SZA and to many other people.CTRL isn’t a perfect album, neither it has a perfect message. It isn’t free of contradictions (first I need you, but now I don’t need nobody) but CTRL doesn’t pretend to be an album of self-help since the lyrics can’t be more full of guilt, low self-esteem and self-embarrassment. As the title suggests, the control SZA assumes sometimes works and other times, just like a keyboard key, doesn’t. This is SZA’s reality, the one of a ‘twenty-something’ woman, and also many other girls’, who will come to this album not to find answers to their questions but to comfort themselves in the experience a person like them had to suffer and later found the strength to tell.other favourite lyrics, chosen by other users:Maybe I should kill my inhibitionMaybe I'll be perfect in a new dimension“Anything”, intro, chosen by u/ThatParanoidPenguin.I get so lonely, I forget what I'm worth,We get so lonely, we pretend that this worksI'm so ashamed of myself think I need therapy“Drew Barrymore”, second verse, chosen by u/Leixander. It is kinda personal actually. Won't go too deep but in a point of my life I decided that I want to be alone for a while. It didn't go well as you can imagine, but I am way better now. SZA has many lyrics that I found reflecting, like in the later lines of Drew Barrymore's "I am sorry I am not attractive, I am sorry I am not more ladylike" i.e. the lack of self-worth.How could it be?20 something, all alone stillNot a thing in my nameAin't got nothing, running from loveOnly know fear“20 Something”, pre-chorus, chosen by u/-dolantello-. i love the lyrics because i think it perfectly captures the solitude and loneliness that comes to many people when they become young adultsI'm sorry I'm not more ladylikeI'm sorry I don't shave my legs at night“Drew Barrymore”, second verse, chosen by u/Fledgeland. oh and vodka, its because i think its empowering ofc.I know you'd rather be laid up with a big bootyBody hella positive 'cause she got a big bootyI know I'd rather be paid upYou know I'm sensitive about havin' no bootyHavin' nobody, only you, buddyCan you hold me when nobody's around us?“Garden”, second verse, chosen by u/pasalacquanian. thats my favorite song, and her flow nice there.Somebody get the tacos, somebody spark the bluntLet's start the Narcos off at episode one“Drew Barrymore”, first verse, chosen by u/ThatParaonidPenguin. and this, i love drew barrymore. the juxtaposition of asking if its warm enough inside and outside. i could gush about this album all day.Discussion points:It took SZA 3 years to release this album. Was it worth the wait or is the more left to be desired? (chosen by u/pasalacquanian)Are we seeing another rise of storytellers in hip-hop and R&B?With a genre so focused on objectifying women, how does SZA take the concept and turn it on its head? (chosen by u/ThatParanoidPenguin)Based on the content of the album, why do you think the name CTRL was chosen? What do you think it means to SZA, and how do themes of the title play out throughout the album? (chosen by u/Fledgeland)Where do you see SZA going from here? CTRL was an expansive album that covered various different sounds and concepts. Do you think she'll continue with more of the same or further explore different styles? (chosen by u/-dolantello-)SZA has been called everything in the five years that separate the release of her first mixtape to today. The saviour of female R&B, the female Frank Ocean, the next big popstar, the new Beyoncé. Comparisons are never good, but maybe this time they are. If I wrote this review like this, focusing more on the lyrics than the production (when I prefer production most of the time), it’s because SZA has those lyrical skills that make her stand out. She is a storyteller, and maybe some people compare her with Frank Ocean for that. CTRL is an album full of stories, from falling out of love to parties to growing up, and she tells them all fantastically.And maybe she is the next big popstar. In a year with few to no female #1s (Taylor, Cardi and Halsey as a feature), pop needs a new star. One with attitude, that is able to make hits and at the same time amazing albums. For me, it’s torn between Ariana Grande, Camila Cabello or Dua Lipa, but SZA is a big contender. She’s had a top 30 single, and her first album debuted at #3 (behind Kendrick Lamar and Katy Perry tho) with 60k copies, half of them pure sales. She has gone on a big Europe tour with Bryson Tiller, got a cover on Billboard and has been working with Kevin Parker (Tame Impala) and Mark Ronson in an album. She has a top 10 hit with Maroon 5. And on top of all, she got 5 nominations for the Grammys this year. Her becoming a star is all a possibility, of course, but SZA sure has a bright future ahead.