#and seeing fandom junk has been very unproductive in a lot of ways

[stevengrantshubby]

this is going to be long and rambly probably but its 3 AM where i am so here we go!

everything going on in america right now is really getting to me, and the quarentine has been getting to me for a very long while. its bad and good in some ways i guess. bad because a lot of bad habits/coping mechanism i had developed after a family member passed away (i wasnt sleeping well and i had stopped eating for a while) and good because ive been doing a lot of thinking about myself and my past or whatever.

while i dont want get into my personal irl stuff i am going to talk about stuff online because its had a lot of effect on my at this point.

so like i think the little “us vs them” of “anti vs pro-ship” (or whatever they are called because i see so many names its ridiculous and they mean different things to different people from what ive seen) but ill be using the names for simplicity sake. but as of late i find so much or whatever anybody on any “side” does to be, in  a lot of cases, to be completely unhelpful to whatever “cause” one has. tbh i pretty much hate “both sides” (tho its not really two sides its just a bunch of people/groups of people who are trying for...something idk)

its not like i disagree with everything. i think talking about racism and racist trends in fandom, how people in fandom interact with media for kids/teens, with how ~dark~ themes are talked about and stuff. i also know that there are people who don’t care about any of those things and are just out to be assholes and harrassers, or...well other shit i see on twitter mostly (my tumblr feed is much better tbh). but its all trash tbh.

but lately all of this has been getting to me more and more. like despite what being said by a lot of people i know that people dont actually care. not about like black people (women especially), or like abuse victims, or any of it. its just so gross.

idk what the point of all of this is really. its taken me like 5 hours to finish writing this whole thing (its like 830 AM now) but it think ive been legitimately trigger by all of these things or my mental states has just really gone down the tubes so much thats all of this is bothing me sooo much more than it used to.

i dont talk much on tumblr cause like who cares, right? but stuff is falling apart and like for what? i stuck in such a shitty situation its all trash.