#and saying the ham isnt a very good cheese because their a ham

[guiltyblogging]

Sorry in advance. My tags lost the plot. Take note and get some sleep, kids. Lack of sleep rots your brain, I'm proof.

[chaoticgabby]

My Cheap & Relatively Healthy Grocery List for College Students

Context: I had been used to eating fast food so much because it was cheap that when I went to the doctors' they said I had high glucose content. That wasnt good. So I started eating healthier. Anyway let's skip the BS and get straight into it:

Ramen: the OG cheap food. I personally don't own ramen bc I dont like it that much, but if you want to save money this is the meal, at least add an egg or some veggies to make it healthier.

Frozen Veggies: anywhere from 50 cents to a dollar or two a bag. Can easily be kept in your freezer (if you have one) for months

Mac n' cheese: my all-time favorite. Of course, it might not be healthy for everyone to eat pasta all the time, but I do it anyway. Add some real cheese and spices for taste or chicken and veggies in it / on the side.

Other Pasta boxes (Pasta Roni, Velveeta, Hamburger Helper, etc.): basically as cheap or almost as cheap as Kraft macaroni, but maybe you arent a fan of mac n cheese.

Soup (Soup!!): Cambell's Tomato soup is often $1 a can. I like to eat mine with grilled cheese. Thats a whole ass meal. But of course you can get other soups just as cheap. Basically, any canned foods.

Canned foods & veggies: this one goes without saying. Although, the better options are sometimes $2 to $3 the same can be said for frozen veggies, but just heat these up and cook them in fried rice or just add butter and eat them aside a nice entré

Chunk light tuna: speaking of canned foods, canned tuna is soooo cheap and is a great option (if you even like tuna). Dont actually get the "pack tuna" for $1 a pack unless you want to keep it in your bag bc canned tuna is around 60 cents a can. Mix it with Miracle Whip (or mayo) and spread it over break for a good sammich.

Grilled cheese (or cheese toastie if you arent American I think??): similar to previous options, youre getting your cheese and your butter and your bread. Not as healthy as other options but way better than fast food calories.

Quesadillas: similar to grilled cheese, except spICY. My brother only eats these and he has no meal plan. I do it now too. Honestly, adding up tortillas, cheese dip, shredded cheese, & chicken is kind of costly but worth it. Also cooking chicken is annoying bc I dont have time for that. But. Yknow. A great option.

Pillsbury Crescents: a little costly, about $2+ per tube, but still fookin delicious. Also imma be real: actually havent checked the nutrition label to see if these are actually healthy. But these are sO useful. Make them by themselves for breakfast (with jam, eggs, or alone) or use the dough for other recipes. I use these with Manwich sauce, cheese, and ground beef for snacks :)

Manwiches: manwich sauce cans are $1 and although they have some sugar, its not nearly as bad as fast food. Just cook up some ground beef to go with it & maybe add cheese, sliced bread, or hamburger buns

PB&J: Another OG. I could never get tired of these. You just gotta make sure you have soft bread and the pb&j and youre good to go. Although..like.. some people apparently like theirs toasted or with different jams (I like strawberry).

Eggs!!!! : Just keep these in your fridge. Just do it. You never know when youre going to run out of food. Boiled? Scrambled? Fried? Soft boiled? With ramen? Omelet? In fried rice? Egg sandwich??? Eat them with bread, eat them with toast, eat them as a breakfast sandwich, scramble them with cheese, the list goes on. If you dont eat them often, get a smaller carton, but always have eggs! Also, for baking.

Rice, or fried rice: If you like rice, have been cooking rice for a long time, and can actually make it without burning, make sure you have rice. If you like rice but have never actually made it yourself, it takes trial and error in a pot. Or just invest in a rice cooker. Additionally, fried rice is not that difficult to learn & it fits the bill for healthy bc you can add unlimited veggies and meats. Im not here to educated you but the more ingredients, the better, is how i see it.

Fresh Food:

Fruit: I literally have "an apple a day" for breakfast. It's just good for you. Keep them in your fridge to keep them fresh. Keep one in your bag in case you get hungry. Bananas? Awesome! Use them in smoothies or a milkshake or eat them with your cereal or even with peanut butter. Possibilities are endless with fruit. Just make sure they dont spoil. Apples are OG bc they dont spoil as easily.

Vegetables: Make sure to only periodically get them so that they dont go to waste. Make some broccoli with butter & eat it alongside pasta. Or asparagus. Anything you want. Just make sure to have some with your meals sometimes. Greens are good. Additionally, carrots can get addicting if yoh eat them with ranch. The plus side is they are filling. If you have a tendency to want to munch on something: carrots.

Deli Meat / Sandwich Options: I personally dont make deli sandwiches because ham (as well as roast beef or turkey) can be expensive and then wanting to add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich sounds amazing but I'm scared they will spoil. Dont let me stop you though! Sandwiches are amazing.

Meat: you dont want to be cooking meat all the time bc it can get expensive, but the basics I always get are ground beef and chicken. I prefer "boneless skinless chicken thigh fillets" but you would need to cut off the fat. You could always get rotisserie if you arent feeling to for cooking. Also, if you're feeling expensive one week, salmon is just sooo good. I ate it with asparagus and seasoned with lemon. Delicious.

Snack / Dessert Options:

(I personally don't keep snacks or dessert in my home very often bc you dont want to binge eat. But here is what I have)

Peanut butter: classic, filling, can be potentially bad if you eat a shite ton

Nuts: peanuts, almonds, cashews, and especially pecans

Cookies: make your own, a lot of simple cookie recipes exist and it's a lot easier than you think. Baking essentials like flour, sugar, milk, and eggs are not that expensive to keep around in an apartment kitchen. Difficulties may be vanilla extract (the avg student doesnt have this lying around) a baking sheet, a big bowl, and possible a whisk. Store bought cookie dough isnt too bad either.

Box-cakes / box-brownies: simple and easy. Takes a few eggs sometimes and some oil, milk or water. The same goes for pancake mix. Honestly, I had an out-of-country roommate and he had never heard of boxed cake mix or brownie mix. They always made from scratch where he lived.

Low-calorie ice cream: okay ice cream can be pretty expensive and filled w/ added sugars. I used to eat this strawberry icecream sweetened with stevia and it was SO delicious, but I couldnt find that at my grocery store. Other options are "low-calorie" ice cream or "no added sugars" ice cream. I have one of these and the thing abt it is that its just the right amount of sugar to taste like ice cream and the neat thing is that you dont feel like binging it bc it doesnt have addicting added sugars.

Milkshakes / smoothies: this is a tough one bc me and most other students dont own a blender or juicer. I personally get my smoothies from a local smoothie place that only uses fresh fruit and then I ask not to add the natural sugars bc it is sweet enough with the fruit. Natural smoothies are delicious & I find that you can kind of make then if u freeze your fruits and blend w a fork. "Handmade" milkshakes are actually super easy w this method.

Yogurt: just...mmm.

"Healthy" snack food section, often called the gluten-free aisle: im not too experienced with this and im sure they have added sugars too but what I do know is I tried these gluten free oreos once and they were delicious

Fruits: I mentioned earlier but apples are great snacks

Veggies: also like I said earlier, carrots are great snacks. Not exactly a veggie but possibly potatoes for a meal or snack.

Granola Bars: for when youre too lazy to keep up with fruit and if fruit will spoil, granola bars (they healthy kind, not the chewy sugary kind) are so good to have in your pantry or keep in your backpack for a snack (and to keep you from on campus temptations). Also I used Nature Valley ones instead of cereal. They actually dissolve and are delicious with milk, since some cereals are so sugary.

Since my last college tips post got some notes I figured I'd keep writing these advice posts. For reference, I am hoping to become an RA next year at my college, so I'm not just speaking out of my ass. I generally have experience at college thus far and want to help students.

[podcastmecaptain]

JACK WYATT

part of advanced PLACEMENT: an ars PARADOXICA high school au about a gang of queer teen nerds, by @estherroberts​ , @podcastmecaptain , and @lizzieraindrops

all three of the aformentioned dorks are responsible for the hijinks found in this post. today’s, @podcastmecaptain especially. (that’s me!)

click here for the au masterpost | track #ars placement for updates! ALSO: 

things aren’t always showing up in the tags, so your most reliable bet is the aforementioned masterpost.

this is the first of many individualized advanced PLACEMENT works, for stories of each character involved. we each wrote the story that we each post, with input from our other members! without further ado, here’s my first piece:

JACK WYATT

jack is ornery and whip smart and tired and witty and and loudmouthed and defiant

he chomps at any bit you give him

including the laws of science

and the laws of manners

and the laws of gender

and just a bit the law in general.

he’s not willing to change who he is for other people.

“it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, and even more to stand up to your friends.”

and even more to stand up to society as a whole.

but he is willing to love his friends.

we know jack and esther have been friends since. forever.

if there was a prize for most platonic i love yous per hour they'd have won the grand championships

they have also, however, won plenty of REAL science grand championships together

science isn't his entire life but it's MOST of it

he's always been a bit of a tinkerer

before he transitioned esther used to call him tinker bell

his mom’s car engine is the most well kept in Point of Exile

and possibly colorado

possibly america?

he's got a ham radio setup in his attic and a telescope, both are constantly being taken apart and put back together. there's a billion tech and science magazines and shoeboxes full of random parts scattered around the boxes of old clothes or broken furniture. moth eaten cushions line the floor. he stole a satellite from an abandoned cabin on the outskirts of town and it’s his pet project. he really loves his attic workshop, it’s his happy place.

one of his older sisters referred to it exactly once as The Batcave and he got so excited that she never did it again

the first time he knew he was serious about penny he led her up there and talked about all of it, all he's done with it

jack and esther both definitely have known the other likes girls for a very long time

jack thinks he's bi but he likes girls an awful lot. he's a girl leaning bi. who doesn't love girls. afuckingmen.

they're both adhd, but jack actually figured that one out first. esther took much longer, with different symptoms

he's constantly in standing motion, moving in place, focusing either too much or too little and never in between

creative in his machinery in a way others can't be

his mom popped him into a session with a school quack and he finally had a name for the humming hub of energy that snapped and crackled and popped in his head all day, that didn't make him wrong, just meant he worked differently.

a different set of springs and gears for the same human machine. same function, different ways of getting there, maybe even better results. he could get that.

but for his gender, things were slow going.

he has three older sisters. he’s always been firmly in the spot of “the baby girl.” he’s surrounded by femininity and doesn't have a problem with it. but it’s never felt. right. applied to him.

they call him a tomboy and that doesn't fit either

he knows what doesn't fit and what's not healthy. its not comfortable and its not right. that skin is dead before it touched him. it doesn't belong to him.

he worries he might have internalized misogyny like his friend anthony did, he's thoroughly wedged in feminist theory but maybe its just a side affect of society? apparently none of his sisters feel like this

feminist theory has a lot of gender theory too if done right

it doesn't take long for him to find it

and well

he turned it over in his mind

examining it, a piece he knew fit but not where

its a lot of speculation, but not long from discovery to connection

click

there it is

lots more under the read more!

jack was stumbling over the words

not sure how to say it but trying

and esther was figuring it out after the third half try and just kinda waiting for him to take his time

throwing in a lot more casual "dude"s and "bro"s and “my man”s

and then she's like huh. maybe he needs some encouragement

and says that they should try on tuxes for fun, because it's dance season and everyone is trying on formal wear anyway, just to try it

it turns out not to be really her thing, she’ll always be a skirt girl but she LIKES it, and then she sees jack's feet swinging off the bench in the next changing room and humming loudly

and she takes a deep breath, cringes first for potentially getting thrown out of yet another establishment, (that happens more than it should)

and just yells "HEY ISNT THIS THE FUCKING BOMB DOT COM DOT ORG DOT UK BROTHA"

and its so obnoxiously loud he just falls over cackling

and they're so happy

and she throws him the ones with shoulder pads and a low crotch cause SHE KNOWS WHAT SHES DOING

and they make a day of it and go get mac and cheese and play cards and cause a scene cause he makes a good play and she knocks their cups over and he's that much more smiley when they're politely asked to vacate the premises

and he doesn’t realize it that day, but eventually it comes to him that she’s being extra to make him smile

and its easier from there, little things like pointing out that their cute barista penny might be bi instead of just saying gay, pointing out how superior and sharp short hair would look on jack, leaving a king card with a "have a good day" note in his locker instead of a queen

even if in their ongoing locker game of dilemma, they both know that they both know that it's a bad move

it’s really casual one night, he turns around on the couch opens his mouth and she just nods. and then it all comes out from there, pun intended

he was always going to be jack, he had that straightened out for a long time

esther hears this and grins, and his dead name is never brought up again

esther pulls up the computer and takes him virtual binder shopping and they go into the packer section and just start cackling at some of the inferior options and then she gasps in delight, licks the back of the jack of hearts card, and sticks it on his forehead

“jack, you know, you’re really ruining my whole man hating lesbian thing, like, it’s gonna make me look bad if my best friend is a guy”

“it’s gonna make me look bad if my best friend is a huge nerd”

esther cuts his hair

the living room looks like a cat and an opossum had a death match in it

its so so so bad.

then anita comes home.

“this is a MESS esther what have you done let me fix this"

“esther amelia roberts you better start vacuuming NOW while i do your best friend’s hair"

its very well done.

jack doesn't come out to his family, they just heavily suspect he's a butch lesbian

“tomboy” isn't boy, but he guesses its as good as he’ll get from them

he doesn't know their stance, but he doesn't think it's… great?

so he changes into the binder in the back of esther’s or helen’s car or in the bathroom of the bus

he has a hippie aunt out in the country who drops by sometimes for weird occasional visits

she takes him for his testosterone appointments and ice cream afterward

(cake batter. every time.)

esther keeps his needles at her house

esther's mom was told he's trans after cutting his hair

and she's a little :/ about keeping things from his family but she understands that some things are more important and jack is like a son to her

she tells him this

and pats him

he helped esther practice her hebrew for so long he's picked a little up

sometimes they translate little notes into hebrew, then into binary, then into various cyphers, and pass it to each other in class so no one can read it but them

because if jack ever does anything

its never half assed

a couple years ago he got his ass kicked by an angry peer

something about a project being cut

sally saved him before he could get killed and called 911

he had a head injury and now has chronic pain

but takes modern medicine for it

underage alcohol is still way too tempting for him anyway. he's not an addict in this but. he's a little loose. he hasn't told anyone but penny. this is the one thing esther doesn't know

penny always writes his name wrong on his cafe order, getting ridiculously creative

she encourages a caffeine addiction as an alternative

it’s for sure not the best solution, but they're working it out together

penny counts pennies a lot because of the mortgage problem

so jack comes in and fixes all the machines in her cafe for christmas

they help each other

and learn to help themselves

jack’s a builder

he builds for esther, he builds for penny, he builds for himself.

he built himself.

and he's very happy with what he’s made.

[forgetmenotsandroses]

The Distance Between Us

A/N: So. *sweats nervously* I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into this because I CANT WRITE LONG THINGS THIS ISNT EVEN LONG Dedicated to @slightlystalesushirolls, who chose the song. Yes, this is a songfic. (The song is called “Shanghai Romance”)

***

Guang Hong looks out across the skyline. Distant smokestacks of a factory are visible for once, the smog around the city almost completely cleared. A light trails across the sky, and he closes his eyes and wishes on the star. Or maybe it’s an airplane. Either way, two minutes later, his phone rings.

 "Wei; Hello?“ “Hey Guang Hong! Did I catch you at a bad time? I know it’s pretty late in Shanghai.” “It’s fine. I was getting ready for bed, anyways.” “Cool.”

It’s easy, talking like this. Like breathing or lying down. Falling into rhythm with Leo is always easy.

 //I think I fell for him, I think I fell for him//

 They met at a competition a few years back. He remembers the cute boy with russet hair, happy and kind, asking if he and Phichit wanted to eat out. Phichit had all too cheerfully promised that both of them would go. 

Of course, halfway through ordering for himself Phichit remembered that he had planned dinner with Yuri. Apologizing profusely, he left a confused Guang Hong and a baffled Leo to order their meals. Though both were slightly shocked, Leo managed to choke out an order to the waitress. A ham and egg sandwich, and the special–fried rice with baked cheese on top. 

 Waiting for the food, an awkward silence filled the space between them, both wanting it to end but neither knowing quite what to say. Finally, Guang Hong broke the ice.

 "What’s it like to live in America? Have you ever seen a movie star?“ “Well…”

 Even then, he figures, maybe he was a little in love with Leo. Because Leo was so sweet, so cool. Calm and collected, and infinitely better than Guang Hong. Unattainable. 

//Even though tonight or tomorrow night, you might not be my boy 100%//

“Anyways, I called because I wanted to talk to you. About something personal.”

Guang Hong’s heart rate speeds up, but he reminds himself that they are friends. Nothing more.

“Um. What do you want to talk about? Is something wrong?”

 He can hear Leo take a breath, thinks about the way his lips part, imagines biting those same lips, kissing them and never stopping. He squashes down the hope.  …But maybe? Just maybe?

 "So, I really like this guy.“ “Oh.”

 He hears Leo release the breath. It’s as if the world has stopped spinning. Is it possible to hear your own heart break? To feel all hope drain from your veins? Because Guang Hong might as well just die on the spot right now.

 "Leo! That’s…great! I’m very happy for you. Tell me about him.“ “Well, he’s really cute. And he’s funny and smart, even if he won’t admit it. He’s also very strong…I don’t know if he likes me back, though. Sometimes I get a weird vibe from him.” “I bet he likes you.” “I don’t know…”

 Guang Hong wonders if maybe the earth can just swallow him. Or if he can take the next flight to America for some dramatic movie-worthy confession of love.

//I need to take an airplane to meet you, but that’s not easy, I want to cry//

“So what should I do?”

 Guang Hong imagines what Leo looks like in this moment. Talking into the phone with his hair in a messy bun, strands falling across his face(the way Guang Hong likes it best,)warm brown eyes sparkling over newfound love. It hurts. A lot.

 "I think…You should ask him out. Who can say no to you? If you don’t do it, you’ll regret it anyways.“

“Are you sure?”

 Guang Hong sighs, just a little bit. But before anything else, Leo is his friend, and friends do what’s right for each other.

 "Yeah.“

//You are a love I’ve felt for the first time//

"So. Um. Guanghongyou'rereallyprettyandkindandbravewillyoubemyboyfriend?” “What? Leo, can you say that slower?”

 Guang Hong’s heart is beating so violently that he thinks it might jump out of his chest. Hope returns to him, new and bright.

Leo sighs, and it sounds like static over the phone.

 "Guang Hong, I like you a lot. Even if you don’t admit it, you’re brave. You’re kind and funny and sweet and I can’t get you out of my head.“

"Leo…” “It’s okay if you don’t like me like that! I just wanted you to know, because I couldn’t keep it a secret from you any longer!” “N-no Leo! I feel the same way!”

//Sha sha sha - you make my heart pound today//

 They talk and talk, and maybe at one point Leo cries, then Guang Hong starts crying too. But they’re okay. They’re more than okay. 

//It may be a dream, but I am yours//

“Are you yawning? What time is it in China? Go sleep!” “Okay.” “Good night.” “Hey…Leo?” “Yeah?” “I think I’m in love with you." 

The other line is silent for a long time, long enough for him to wonder if the other boy has hung up. "Is it too fast? Forget I said anything.”

“No. It’s not that. Just…I love you too.” “Night.” “G'night.”

//My Shanghai love, you have such attitude//

[tumblrwrites]

Prologue Tony It was how her hair cascaded down her back, and how her body was shaped like an hourglass. I felt like I was running out of time. Daliah Maybe it was the way his eyebrows arched, or how his lips turned into a smile so easily, but I could tell from across the room that he was curious. One Daliah People become attracted to each other in the strangest ways. A small gesture- a brush of the hand, a grin, or even a simple display of interest- is the spark. Soon, without recognition, the two lovers will be dancing on flames for each other. Their happiness will depend on each other- the wildfire will begin. Tony Girls always get nervous around guys, and they think that he has it all together. But with her, I was anxious. My heartbeat was unsteady, while heat spread through my body like flames. Daliah I could feel the fire jumping inside of him. Each flame was like a note, and together they formed a beautifully intense rhythm that grew faster and faster. I wasn't sure if I could keep up. Tony She closed her eyes, as if things were more extravagant in the dark. Her crimson lips crinkled into a brilliant smile. And then she laughed, again and again. She would never stop laughing, even when there was nothing to be laughing about. That was something I didn’t understand. I laughed, too. Daliah His eyes were blue like the sea. I thought I might drown. Tony On that night I felt daring. I drank half a bottle of wine I stole from my parent’s liquor cabinet and I felt warm and bubbly inside. I snuck out the window and landed on my arm, but I shook it off even though it hurt like hell. I got on my bike and made it to her driveway without falling off. I climbed up to her window and kissed her and fell asleep in her arms before I could think about what I would tell Daliah when she asked me what I did last night. Lily I remember the day I met Tony. I went to the library to pick up my sister and he was shelving the books in the fiction section. He caught my eye because he had blue eyes like I’d never seen before. They looked like the ocean. But I could tell that he had a girlfriend because he didn't look at me. Almost everywhere I go, most of the guys look at me like they want to be alone with me. I had curves, I was tall and thin, and my eyes were sparkly. Some of my friends at school teased me that I was easy but I knew that they were all just jealous that they didn't have a history with boys. Even though Tony didn't want to look at me, I wanted to look at him. The way he carried himself made me interested in him- he put his shoulders back and looked straight ahead of himself and not at the ground like shy guys do. The night we hooked up, he was drunk and I could tell that he was a little hesitant to kiss me. He told me that he had a girlfriend that he didnt intend on losing but I told him that he kind of screwed that up when he asked for my number. He laughed. Tony I don't know why I did what I did. I loved Daliah. Why did I break her heart? You can never trust alcohol. It makes you make bad decisions, which might include losing the girl you would stop time for. Daliah I knew something was wrong when he wouldn't even look at me. He seemed tense. “Daliah…” He said, still staring at anything else but me. I took his hand in mine and really looked at him. He seemed surprised. “I have to tell you something”. He took his hand away and cleared his throat. I heard his voice shake. “I did something really stupid last night and I thought about not saying anything but I need to tell you.” He looked at me. I didn't know what to make of it. I just looked back at him. “I snuck out to Lily Blue’s house and I kissed her. Then she kissed me and all I could think about was how good you look in red and how much I regretted being there but I was drunk and you were sleeping. I feel like complete shit and I understand if you never want to see me again.” He talked fast and didn't look at my eyes until I got out of my chair and walked away. Tony Tears streamed down her face. She sobbed like a storm that would never end. But, like all things, it did. Daliah The months that followed were fuzzy. Between the crisp air of the fall and the blanket of humidity in the summer, he couldn’t escape my mind. I really hoped I was still trapped inside of his, too. Tony If I could go back, I would- not to change anything, just to feel a couple things twice. Holding her is one. Kissing her is two. Being kissed back is three. 1,2,3 - that's how long it took for me to regret breaking her heart. Daliah In his eyes I felt like gold, but in my own I only felt like silver. Tony After our first date, I created a list of things I was afraid of: being alone in the night, breaking promises, missing out on golden opportunities. But with her, I wanted to get over all these fears. She was the only one who taught me not to be afraid. Two Daliah The more time I spent away from him, the more I noticed about myself - flaws, habits, the way I act when I'm alone somewhere public. I look in the mirror and try to see myself as if I’m someone else. I try to think of all the things that I would change about myself if I could - I would make my body curvy, my hair longer, and my eyes brighter. I would be confident. I would have all kinds of friends and boy toys. I splashed water on my face and dried it with a clean towel. Back in the mirror again I only saw myself- thin, tired, and sad. No friends and no boyfriend, just me. Daliah Today I tried on this dress in a store outside of town. Everything about it was perfect - the sweetheart neckline, the deep black velvet, the above the knee hem - and it fit perfectly. When I saw it on my body I thought of Tony. The feeling of where the fabric on my waist cinched reminded me of his hands on my waist the first time we slow danced. I wondered if he saw me in it, would he remember too? Tony The first time I saw Daliah cry was when we bought lunch on the last day of freshman year. We finished finals and I drove down to the sandwich shop for her favorite - ham and cheese with olives and lettuce. We drove to her house and we ate our lunch and talked about school. She said her english final was the easiest but I hated english and loved math. She seemed upset about something, and she could sense that I knew. I put my hand on her shoulder. “What's wrong babe?” I asked her. At first she seemed hesitant to say anything but then she started crying. I put my arms around her. I knew what it was about - she missed her mother. It had been two years since she lost her to cancer and I knew that she could never get over dealing with the grief. I could tell that she wasn't close with her dad - when I first met him he seemed very protective of her - but not in a good way; it was as if he knew that she was trouble and he didn't want me to be around her. But I stayed, because I really started to like being with her. I wished I could've made her feel better, even though you can't do anything about someone who is gone forever. I looked at her. She had makeup running down her cheeks, and I knew she would hate me if I didn't tell her. I remembered the day at the pool before we started dating. She jumped off the diving board and dove into the water and when she surfaced she asked me if her makeup was ruined. I said no, and when she looked in the mirror later, she called me and asked me why I didn't tell her she looked like a raccoon. I guess I thought she might have taken it the wrong way. I put my arms around her then and held her. She sniffled into my shirt and laughed. “I'm sorry”. She said. I took a napkin off the table and handed it to her. “Daliah, you're pretty even when you cry and I don't really care if you won't let me fix your heart because I could look at you all day if you let me”. She stopped crying, and she smiled her beautiful smile at me and I kissed her cheek. I loved to make her happy. I guess I forgot how good I felt when she smiled- lately I hadn't seen much of it. Daliah Today I saw him with her and my heart sunk in my chest. Between the shelves of the non-fiction section I watched her kiss him the way I had a thousand times before - and he was kissing her back. Tony When I missed her i didn't think about how to get her back or what went wrong. I just pictured her- her silhouette in the dark when we kissed, the back of her sundress that held her body tight in the chair in front of me in government. I picture her taking her makeup off after the night of our 5 month anniversary. Her mascara had already smudged from when I pushed her into the pool in Greg’s backyard. Without the black that lined her eyes or the deep shade of crimson that stained her lips, she looked like an angel. Her cheeks were glowing in the dim light peeking through her bedroom window as I held her head on my shoulder. I whispered “I love you” in her ear as the music faded in the background and her soft lips enveloped mine. Tony I remembered the tingling feeling of the breath mint on my tongue. The smile on her face that changed as she leaned in to kiss me. My heart beat speeding up in my chest. The feeling of her hand enclosed in mine. The feeling of love. Tony September 17th Tomorrow Daliah would be 16. She didn't act like it, but being sixteen was a big deal to her. She saw it as a new chapter in her life- she would be getting her license in two weeks and attending photography and art classes in the fall. I heard her voice from behind the bathroom door. She was singing Stevie Wonder behind the shower curtain. It made me smile when she could hit the high notes in the way that she could (perfectly). Daliah I had big plans for myself outside of Phoenix. My fall courses were in Los Angeles, California. I would be living in my own in less than a year. I would be a college student with responsibilities. I let the water fall down onto my back as I closed my eyes and started singing. “Isnt she lovely… Isnt she wonderful…” In my daydreams I saw the hollywood sign and all of the beautiful lights. It was breathtaking. - I let the water drain and pulled myself back into reality. California could wait, I thought as I stepped out of the bathroom and into Tony’s arms. Tony I closed my eyes and visualized the night sky in a big city. I’d only ever been to Nevada, but never close enough to Vegas. I thought of New York City on the other side of the country. It seemed lively there, as if everyday was more exciting than the last. I was content with my life right now, but I hoped that I would get there someday. - When I opened my eyes I saw Daliah standing in front of me in her bra and underwear with her hair wet. She kissed me and let her lips linger. She was beautiful. As she danced around her room, I watched the curves of her body move. She was a good dancer- but I knew better than to tell her. She told me that she hated when someone complimented her on something other than her paintings or photos. She said it was because that was what she had her heart set on and that getting a career in either field was her biggest dream. She put Radiohead on the stereo and took my hand. It felt good to be with someone and not have the feeling of wanting to be somewhere else. Three Tony Lily always tastes like cigarettes. I wonder how many guys she’s slept with. I would never sleep with her. Dalilah will be the girl l give myself to. I hope she wants to give herself to me. Daliah I gave him everything. I always told him what was on my mind, even if it was something that I didn't want to get into. And be listened. He didn't interrupt me or disagree with me. He just looked at me with his deep blue eyes and held my hand. Now that we’re apart, I don't have anyone to complain to. But he has her. Four Daliah When he spoke he sounded like a compilation of rich dark colors and all I wanted to do was blend in. Tony How I met Daliah On Sunday after the morning service, my mom took me to an art gallery in town. She told me that I needed to experience the world outside of the videogames I was always so interested in. I said whatever. I was slouching, looking at a painting of a girl through a plate of glass. She was in a white background and she only wore a lace bra and matching underwear. Her body caught my eye. I know that sounds totally inappropriate. But I wasn't attracted to a painting. The girl in that painting had to be out there somewhere and I wanted to meet her. Daliah The summer before freshman year I started collecting pictures of the sky- sunsets, storms, clouds, dark nights. The colors that blended together amazed me. I strung fairy lights around my room and hung up my painting of the girl in her bra and underwear that was showcased in the museum the day I met Tony. I remember how he looked at it - as if it was anything he’d ever seen before (probably because he didn't look at paintings often - or girls in lingerie). I based it off of a picture my sister had taken of me when I wasn't looking - I was dancing around my room with wet hair half naked and I forgot to close my door all the way. She yelled to dad that I was taking inappropriate photos of myself, but I knew that the hockey game downstairs was too loud for him to hear her whining. I stole the camera from her and looked at the photo. My body was curvy and my boobs looked good in my bra. I decided to print the photo the next day and sketch it. A month later I was entered into the showcasing at the museum and I picked that photo because I knew it would catch people’s attention. Little did I know one of those people would steal my heart exactly one year later. Five Daliah The summer before junior year I did something crazy - I dyed my hair. It kind of took a long time to do by myself, but I did a pretty good job at not making a mess. I picked red because I’d been told it would suit me. Plus I secretly thought it would make Tony think of me differently. Daliah When my dad saw me at first, he didn't recognize me. But then he smiled. “You look nice.” He was reading the paper in his recliner in front of the tv. I smiled and took my purse from the counter. Tony Today I took my skateboard out for the first time in six months. My dad bought it for me on my 15th birthday. I went down to the skatepark on the beach. And there she was. Six Daliah Memories of her came to me in waves. The two of us on the ferris wheel licking ice cream from our sugar cones, or at the swimming pool in the summer soaking up the sun. Today I drove to the beach by myself to see the waves and taste the salty air. I held her locket in my hand and closed my eyes. In my head I asked her if she was happy. I bet she wasn't. Dont worry, mom, I’ll get to you one day. I hoped she was listening. I opened my eyes and saw him - Tony - looking at me. Tony I almost didn't recognize her with the red hair. It looked good on her. It made me think of the wine coolers we drank at Greg’s party. That night we snuck out to Greg's hot tub to make out. Daliah got really drunk so I drove her home and layed in bed with her until she fell asleep. I took a step towards her. She had something enclosed in her hand. “Hi” she said, half smiling at me. I realized that what she was holding was a heart locket with her a picture of her mother inside. “She was pretty like you” I said. Daliah seemed surprised. I usually didn't say anything about her mother. She bit her lip like she was nervous about what would happen next. I stepped closer to her and stopped short. I pulled a piece of paper out of my back pocket and handed it to her. She unfolded it. “A sunset”. She whispered. She put her arms around me. “Thank you”. Seven One year later Daliah On the edge of the street corner I was feeling good. I had done my makeup for the first time in a month and a half and I bought a new bag for junior year. I stepped off the curb and felt my body crush into a moving car and everything faded to black. Tony “The semi-trailer truck that collided with your girlfriend’s body instantly crushed her bones and damaged her central nervous system”. Said the doctor as a nurse appeared behind him. “We’re very sorry for your loss. Im sure she was a lovely young woman”. She said sympathetically. “She was”. I said, staring at the floor. The two of them disappeared into the background as I let the waterfall of hot tears pour from my eyes.

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How to make the perfect lemon curd

Bring a golden glow to January with a Victorian classic, and, no matter if youre looking to be eased into the day or hit with a full-on acid trip, theres a variation for you

A ray of sunshine in one of the darkest months of the year, lighter and zingier than marmalade (and considerably quicker to make), lemon curd is guaranteed to brighten up any breakfast or tea, as well as making a great filling for cakes. (Youre back on the cakes, right?) Formerly often known as fruit cheese (curiously, this name survives only in the sugary, dairy-free damson and quince varieties served with actual cheese), according to Laura Mason and Catherine Browns meticulous work The Taste of Britain, it probably started life as what the 18th-century cookbook writer Elizabeth Raffald refers to as a transparent pudding. The thought that this mixture might be bottled and stored for later use, or even for sale, was of a piece with the industrialisation of food production in the late Victorian period. What did the Victorians ever do for us, eh?

Thomas Kellers lemon curd. Photograph: Felicity Cloake for the Guardian

Eggs

One thing all fruit curds have in common, apart from fruit, is eggs. What form those eggs take, however, is a matter of contention. One recipe I see recommended again and again online is from Americas Fine Cooking magazine. The author, Elinor Klivans, writes that she prefers the lighter, almost custardy results I get from using whole eggs but, because the eggs whites cook at a lower temperature, theyre more prone to coagulation. These cooked bits dont ruin the flavor of the curd, but a smooth texture will require careful straining, and quite a bit of the mixture can get lost in the process. Mary Berry and Stella Parks of the Brave Tart blog both use only egg yolks, which makes for a very rich, slightly gelatinous consistency, whereas Thomas Kellers Bouchon Bakery Book and Thane Princes Ham Pickles & Jam both stick the whole lot in, which does indeed produce a lighter, creamier result. Testers, however, express a preference for recipes like the one in Catherine Phipps new book, Citrus, and Kylee Newtons The Modern Preserver that employ a mixture of whole eggs and yolks, offering the ideal combination of lightness and richness.

Sugar

Sadly, for those of us trying to cut down our sugar consumption, there is no curd without sugar, though it does contain far less of the stuff than most sweet preserves. Keller calls for granulated, and this works fine, though caster dissolves more quickly. But, if youre after that sunshine-yellow colour, avoid the mistake I made golden caster sugar will give you a murky-golden result, so white is preferable here.

Stella Parks lemon curd. Photograph: Felicity Cloake for the Guardian

The lemon

During testing, the overwhelming preference is for the sharper curds of Newton and Parks: lemon curd, one guinea pig tells me, should wake you up in the morning. If you prefer to be eased more gently into the day, however, then feel free to reduce the amount in my recipe.

Not all the recipes I try include the zest, and some recipes recommend sieving it out before bottling the curd (a tedious process given how thick the curd is at that point I only bother if I think some of the egg may have cooked). We think the odd fleck of zest adds textural interest, however, and miss its bitter perfume in the recipes which leave it out altogether to make the most of this, copy Dorie Greenspan and rub the zest into the sugar until it releases its aromatic oils.

The dairy

Most curd recipes depend on butter for their characteristic richness of flavour. Parks, however, prefers doing it the 19th-century way, using nothing but lemon juice, egg yolks and sugar (though this must be the 19th-century American way, because most Victorian recipes I find are pretty heavy on the butter). It certainly gives her curd an almost shockingly keen acidity and a slightly jellied, rather than creamy, texture that divides testers; I love the flavour, but its not a classic curd as we know it. Worth a try, however, particularly if you prefer to avoid dairy.

Prince, interestingly, swaps the butter for double cream, which she says makes the result a little lighter. It is indeed very light, though, as cream is sweeter than butter, it blunts the sharpness of the lemon; perfect for sandwiching cakes together with but a bit mild for those chasing an acid trip.

Butter, we conclude, is an essential element of the flavour and texture of the more traditional lemon curd, yet recipes differ on the best time to add it. Newton starts with melted butter, Klivans beats it together with the sugar then adds the eggs, almost as if shes making a cake, and both Keller and Greenspan beat it in at the end, once the mixture has slightly cooled. Greenspan (who credits the great patissier Pierre Herme for her recipe) writes that, by adding the butter to the mixture at a lower temperature, instead of melting as it does in curd, the butter emulsifies (just as oil does in mayonnaise), so that the resulting texture is velvety and deceptively light. It is a stroke of culinary magic.

Its true that it is hard to avoid a certain subtle graininess in the simpler curd recipes which heat all the ingredients together possibly because of the fact that, according to a poster on the food site egullet, the lactose matrix is broken when heated too high (any thoughts of this from more scientifically minded readers very welcome). Certainly, Greenspans lemon cream is the smoothest of all, which is more than enough evidence for me.

LM Ansteys lemon curd. Photograph: Felicity Cloake for the Guardian

The details

I try a very old recipe from one Miss LM Anstey, included in Florence Whites 1932 collection Good Things in England. She writes that, though it was passed down to her by her mother, who was born in 1819, it is possibly much older than my mothers dates and may have come from my grandmother. Quite different from modern versions, it beats sugar, ground rice, grated zest and lemon juice and eggs into creamed butter, and then pots it, no cooking required, though I wish Id used my common sense and added the eggs more gradually, as this may have stopped it curdling. Anstey recommends it as a filling for a lemon cheesecake (traditionally British cheesecakes contained no actual cheese), and perhaps it would be better for this than as a spread, because it reminds us of a slightly powdery brandy butter, but without the booze.

Prince makes her curd in a shallow frying pan, which I find rather nerve-wracking (overheat the mixture and youll end up with scrambled eggs), though I dont think its necessary to mollycoddle it with a bain marie as Greenspan suggests a medium heavy-based saucepan and a low heat does the trick. Nigel Slater sensible advises that, while most lemon curd recipes instruct you to stir the mixture with a wooden spoon I find that stirring lightly with a whisk introduces just a little more lightness into the curd, making it slightly less solid and more wobbly. Its also easier to get into the edge of the pan.

Keller adds gelatine to his mixture, which may well be helpful in a patisserie context (he uses it to fill macarons, amongst other things) but serves no purpose if youre using it to spread on toast. It also, of course, means that the curd isnt vegetarian and this is something everyone deserves to enjoy (on which note, has anyone come up with a vegan version?)

Perfect lemon curd

(Makes 400ml) 5 unwaxed lemons 225g white sugar 6 eggs (3 whole eggs and 3 yolks) Pinch of salt 100g butter, cubed

Zest three of the lemons into a bowl with the sugar and rub together with your fingertips to release the oils, then squeeze enough of them to give 225ml juice.

Whisk the eggs into the sugar followed by the lemon juice, a little at a time, until fully incorporated.

Put in a heavy-based pan over a low heat and stir continuously with a rubber whisk or wooden spoon until as thick as Birds custard which should take about 7-8 minutes. Whisk in the salt and pour into a food processor or blender if you have one. Cool for five minutes.

Start the motor and blend on a low speed for 30 seconds (alternatively, beat with a wooden spoon), then start dropping in the butter, a little at a time, still with the motor on, until smooth. Transfer to sterilised jars.

Are you a lemon curd fan, and, if so, what do you like to do with it apart from slathering it on toast? (Or eating it straight from the jar?) Which other fruit curds would you recommend and does anyone have a vegan version?

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