#and repeat it like a mantra to myself when I'm having an episode

[annieisyourfavourite]

"To the self I used to hate" - Annie Jankovic, 2022

(Image has alt text)

[mysticdragon3md3]

twitter.com/E_Aria_Eia/status/1408291844786688005

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So now, once again, I have to have that worry in my head: "Am I fetishizing gay men for being a fan of BL manga/anime/OTPs/fanon ships?????

At times like this, I completely forget what "fetishize" means. I always seem to know what it means when it comes to female objectification, but when I worry about being a fujoshi and if I'm a bad person towards gay people, then I suddenly forget what "fetish" means and if there's something I didn't realize I had to change about myself---and *what* is it that I have to change?! How can I change if I can't pinpoint what it is?!

I don't want to just give up my gay OTPs! ;o;! They bring me such joy! They are my literal mental/emotional safe spaces! Whenever I'm in danger of some bad thought spirals, I chant their names like mantras! I daydream them being happy to keep my mental state happy! But is doing all that, is being a fan of gay ships making me a bad person?

I know I reblogged Tumblr posts about this. So I tried searching my blog for the tag "fujoshi".

Found a link to this Twitter thread (https://twitter.com/shipperinjapan/status/1375857732608262144) that got me ranting again about Yuri on Ice. Am I a bad person for not immediately jumping on board the gay interpretation? Don't get me wrong, I believe Victuri is the central romantic canon ship of the series, and I'm rooting for them. But as an asexual who highly values emotionally intense platonic relationships, I don't like to immediately jump on the "they're dating now" train. First, I don't like the implication that only people who are romantically/sexually involved can have intense emotional bonds and interactions. Second, I'm a sucker for a "slow burn". I want to see a couple build up their emotional bonds and relationship to a point where they act like they're in love, then retroactively realize "Hey, I think I'm in love with this person as more than just a friend; let's confess our feelings then consensually date". I don't want to hear this BS about how friends can't love each other! That's very important to me as, not just an asexual, but as a human being with valuable platonic relationships. I don't need anymore of that toxic mid-1900's propaganda about only romantic relationships being allowed to care deeply about each other and share each other's emotional vulnerabilities. It's invalidating to so many important platonic relationships! But I also believe that the same type of intense emotional bonds is the best foundation for romantic relationships. So I want to see one build upon the precedent of the other. And "SEE" is the big issue for me and Yuri on Ice. I wanted to SEE Victuri's relationship build ON SCREEN. Yes, I know there are censorship obstacles in Japan/anime. But when so many other sports anime can get away with intense emotional bonding of their male characters, I don't see why Yuri on Ice had to put that off-screen for their couple. Sure, the first few episodes had Victuri have that intense emotional bonding happen on-screen. But I took that as a sign of how the series would continue to progress. I expected the same types of scenes to repeat on-screen, but ramping up in emotional bonding, each time, until it culminated in a romantic revelation/relationship. The first few episodes of YOI proved that the series was perfectly capable of telling such a story on-screen. But then the main couple, containing the TITULAR character, got that major emotional development sidelined to off-scren, so that a bunch of secondary/supporting characters could have all their character arcs take up screen time. ~.~;;;; I understand that some directors are afraid of not getting a second season to complete their story. But you have a manga-ka as your character designer that you hired specifically because they said they weren't busy with any projects at the time! It's not unheard of for anime to continue in manga, then later that manga sequel gets anime adaptation! YOI could have kept the focus on Victuri, told their secondary characters' stories in manga, that could have been used to pitch a later second season! But, no. x_x; Gotta give those secondary characters' arcs the limited screentime. I'm not even talking about Yuri Plisetsky. Keeping Yuri P.'s character arcs on-screen is a good foil to Yuri Katsuki, provides good B plot, and keeps the story varied, allowing breaks from the intensity of Yuri Katsuki's plotlines, when needed. Even adding the whole subplot introducing Otabek wouldn't have been a waste of the limited screentime. What I'm complaining about is giving up screentime for ALL the character arcs of ALL the other competitors in the competitions that Yuri Katsuki entered. I mean, Haikyuu was able to present the stakes of the other teams alongside the protagonist team's progression. But they weren't also juggling a romance plot FOR THE TITULAR CHARACTER at the same time! Though all the KageHina shippers prove to me that a story can include the main pair's intense emotional bonding scenes, alongside screentime for the secondary teams' stakes/backgrounds/struggles, there's

still a reason that Romance gets its own genre and has a reputation for being extremely hard to write. Victuri should have been given more screentime. Instead, Victuri have a few episodes of emotional bonding, baiting me into thinking this series would be a well-developed romance, that I was sticking around to watch (alongside Yuri Katsuki's personal emotional development within the frame of his sport), then their relationship gets relegated to shorthand like exchanging rings and Victuri finishing a shower in Yuri's hotel room. No better than a cliche rom-com movie that expected tropes to carry all the weight of an actually developed on-screen relationship, but in reality, feels empty by short-cutting and jumping over all the emotional bonding, vulnerability sharing, and shared emotional Growth, that should have happened ON-SCREEN. Victuri deserved better. They deserved better than empty tropes with only the first few episodes of the series, then audience headcanons, to fill-in the gaps. I didn't enjoy YOI because it used empty tropes. I enjoyed YOI because those first few episodes showed me that this series was capable of using the same emotional Growth intensity of a sports anime, and also funnel it into a romance couple, built on genuinely believable emotional bonding scenes. But after those first few episodes, the series chucked that all way, to use short-hand and cliche tropes instead---right down to the "running to meet at an airport scene"!---just to make time for a bunch of secondary characters that should have waited for a second season or manga sequel. If tropes alone were enough to make me believe in a romance, I wouldn't have disliked the entire Romance movie genre for most of my life, feeling like their relationships felt empty and their confessions of love happening "for no reason". If tropes alone didn't feel so empty to me, I wouldn't be getting most of my favorite OTP couples from other genres outside of the Romance genre, even if I had to get aboard non-canon ships. But after the first few episodes, YOI made the same mistakes. For a couple that I was rooting for! And you can't just stick-in 1 or 2 sports-related emotionally intense scenes between Victuri to make up for that empty leap to romantic cliches for their interpersonal relationship. (At least, that's what I remember. It's been years since I watched YOI and my memory is notoriously bad.) I want romance scenes that are undeniably not really about the sport or the same bonding in an emotionally intense platonic love. Not necessarily sexual, but I don't want to be able to have any room for misinterpretation that they're no longer talking about the sport and helping each other through the mental challenges of that sport, but are now talking about their interpersonal emotional connection and how dear they are to each other through their emotional bonds and shared Growth. The scene should be undeniably about their interpersonal relationship and shared vulnerabilities enabling each other's emotional growth. And I want to see them have so many interpersonal emotional connection scenes ON-SCREEN, until their relationship naturally ramps up and progresses into a meaningful romance. If I wasn't this picky about Romance, I'd be into the Romance genre. But here we are. I have criticisms of YOI, according to *my* experiences and *my* personal, picky tastes. And yet the YOI fandom is such that if you have ANY criticisms of the series, especially the presentation of Victuri, then you'll get called a "homophobe" and "in denial" about a canon gay relationship. I am on the Victuri train, goddamnit! I just think a big chunk of it could have been presented better than OFF SCREEN! How can I get emotionally invested, when a big chunk of the emotional bonding, that we're expected to read into the later cliches, happen OFF SCREEN?!???? ...Anyway, my experience of the YOI fandom has been toxic and it's made me regret getting into the series...Even though I really like how relatable Yuri is and Victor is one of my favorite dere archetypes. ;_; Every

time I remember YOI, I go into one of these defensive rants. And whenever I'm worried if I or fujoshi in general fetishize BL, I remember YOI.

(I should make a tag for my YOI posts that normal YOI fans won't search for. Someone once posted that they hate how people treat Tumblr as their private journal. Well, f**k you, because there are few enough people on Tumblr that it may as well be a private journal sometimes. And if the people here were as prone to immediately reacting/responding/commenting on Tumblr posts, as they are on Twitter, then I wouldn't be posting my thoughts on Tumblr at all, just like how I treat Twitter. No one is going to read this. And if they do, no one is going to comment something to start an argument. And if I ignore an argument-inciter, I won't be in danger of getting doxxed or them returning with a posse of cyberbullies. And that's how I like my social media. Because searching my Tumblr archive is a lot easier than searching my journal files with Windows Explorer. What the hell happened to that program? Its search function used to work so well on my journal files...)

Found the Tumblr reblog explaining how fujoshi and BL aren't fetishizing real life gay men.

https://mysticdragon3md3.tumblr.com/post/156361456117/retrolizard-i-hate-fujoshi-if-youre-female

Only just today did I see a Reply on this post "Maybe that’s how u feel but it makes gay men feel unsafe". But I still agree with the OP that being a fujoshi doesn't automatically mean that you're going to do something to gay men to make them feel unsafe. Though, again, if gay men feel unsafe because of BL and its fans, then there must be *someone* who is making them feel unsafe, and I don't want to invalidate that that's happening. Fujoshi, if you're a fan of BL, that's not permission to make gay men or anyone feel unsafe! Goddamnit, this is why I hate how the fujoshi in Genshiken's 2nd(?) season are portrayed with no consideration for other people's boundaries! Sure, it's a comedy (drama-dy) anime, where bad behavior is exaggerated for "comedy", but goddamn, stop treating people like your objects to oggle and stop telling them to their face that you involve them in your sexual fantasies! Even as fiction, it's uncomfortable to watch!!! And I hate to imagine, but I have to consider that at least some of it must have been inspired by some reality. I am reminded of a TED Talk, where a gay man recounted how a random woman came up to tell him and his boyfriend, who were just walking through their college campus, that they were "soooooooo cute!". Like, are you oggling them? Involving them in your weird fantasies? Please don't do that! They're real life people! This is what fictional characters are for! Write fanfic about the romance of your gay ships instead! But even in regards to fictional characters, portraying women/people as treating other people like your objects to oggle and telling them to their faces that you involve them in your sexual fantasies, normalizes such behavior, and I'm sure has emboldened some people to act that way. Look no further than the fujoshi who used to randomly slap strangers with a yaoi paddle. One time I was at a Hetalia cosplay gathering, and I think someone randomly came up to another cosplayer and started humping them. Some people, don't know how to be decent human beings. But I don't think that means I shouldn't be allowed to enjoy a mlm romance story. Those 2 things aren't inextricably correlated. I'm going to be honest: I will get aboard a hetero ship if it's good, but the hetero romance genre is STEEPED in centuries of toxic cliches and toxic gender politics! And yeah, some of those same toxic cliches have made their way into the BL genre too. But not all its titles. Even less so into non-canon ships from non-Romance genres. And I agree with this post (https://satans-tiddies.tumblr.com/post/174413663441/bl-okama-and-gay-stereotypes-in-animanga) that it's better to criticize and weed out the toxic, unsafe parts of BL, than to throw away the genre altogether ("I don’t think BL should be immune to critique. ...However, trying to ban a whole genre solely because of the gender of its creators and readers won’t help anything.")

Anway, I started venting all this, because this Tweet (https://twitter.com/E_Aria_Eia/status/1408291844786688005) said of the "Seme" and "Uke" faceplates from Good Smile Company's Nendoroid "Face Swap Design Poll" results, "Not a fan of mlm fetishization". I'll admit that there are a lot of toxic cliches in the "seme" and "uke" tropes and archetypes within the BL genre. But those "Seme" and "Uke" faceplates could have just as easily been titled "smug, cheeky bastard" face and "embarrassed, frustrated with teasing" face. In fact, I was planning to vote for the "uke" face in the poll (if I hadn't have forgotten before the survey's deadline), because one can't have too many blushing facial expressions for Nendoroids. But back to the "seme/uke" tropes... No, I don't like a lot of the cliches in those tropes, and I think a bunch of toxic relationship dynamics and expected situations are being repeated in the BL genre through some of the cliches expected from those tropes. For example, I know that manga-ka have explained that their editors often want them to push their sex scenes to near the beginning of a story, to hook potential readers flipping through the book at a store. But does the most expedient way to rush to that scene always have to be rape? And what's with all the possessive, vindictive jealousy? Haven't we already learned from decades of hetero Romance genre movies that those cliches are still shit, no matter what the couple's genders are? And the emotional abuse of some of these couples...! Goddamn, I know that conflict is what most writers consider "drama" and the basis for "good story", but did the constant arguing from hetero rom-coms have to evolve into the constant belittling, "teasing", and dismissiveness (of boundaries and partner's comfort levels) from so-called couples like Gravitation's and Junjo Romantica's? Yes, there are harmful tropes being perpetuated and normalized in BL, and they can make gay men feel just as unsafe as women, in regards to the similarly harmful tropes from hetero Romance/Rom-Com genres (and most of media). But I do believe that both the BL genre and Romance genre can be refined, have their toxic parts weeded out, instead of just demonizing the whole genre as toxic "fetishization". And shipping material produced by fanworks, especially from non-canon ships, has even less obligation to adhere to mainstream toxic cliches, just because marketers think they're "popular". In fact, that's what I'm looking for in both the BL and Romance genres.

[salemfrogtrials]

When I was little, my mom never taught me one religion or another. Her faith in a god of any sort had been a small, flickering flame that died long before I was born. Instead, she would look me in the eye and speak in a gentle voice, like she was sharing a secret. "My sweet baby, you are the dust of stars and the stories of those long gone. You are the smile on my face and the tears in your eyes. You are made of so much that we could never hope to comprehend. But who you are, what your heart holds, is up to you. Never let anyone change that." I always asked her to tell me every night as she tucked me in. When the world was unkind, she was kind. When I sat in a small white office, scared of my own mind, she repeated it word for word. With soft blankets and comfort foods, she repeated these words to me. I repeat them to myself day in and day out like a mantra. But I've found that over time, things were missing. When I got older and met the people that loved me as I was, with no mask, with my episodes and screams of agony only I could see or feel, I realized. I was everything she had told me, plus a bit more. I am the dust of stars and the stories of those long gone. I am the smile on her face and the tears in my own eyes. As time went on, I came to realize. I am dust, and happiness, and pain, and a fading memory. I am here, and I am rain showers and sunflowers. Hooo boy okay. First, this is not about me, let me add that real quick. This is the very experimental first paragraph to a story I'm developing, called Rain Showers and Sunflowers. This passage is from the perspective of my character Ki, the agender kinda main character to this story. Second, this story may sound like it, but it's not very likely to involve magic or otherworldly beings as my other stories do. I wanted to write a story about a found family group in their late college years, and I wanted to romanticize life a little. I just wanted to write something that gave me the same feeling I get when I hope for a life beyond the one I know currently. Third, I don't have the best plot laid out yet. This is me getting into character and writing what comes to mind. So far I have character designs and general backstories ladies out, and a general set of plot points. Fourth, I do not know when I'll start posting chapters and art for this yet, if I decide to do so. If I start posting, I'll create a tag for it so don't worry. Fifth, everything in this story is mine. As of right now I ask that you keep any ideas you have to yourself for this story. Unless you're okay with me possibly using your idea and making it my own, of course. I'm developing everything right now, and I don't want to unconsciously take someone else's work. And finally, sixth: Do not take this to other sites. If I see this on Pinterest especially, I will find you (not really, but fr, don't.) You can reblog and all that, just no reposting

[makingspiritualityreal]

Saturn Return Diaries Episode...idk which lol

Now that Jupiter has joined Saturn transiting through my 4th house, I have been trying to use this transit to explore the meaning of this energy. Due to my natal Saturn sitting there, I haven't been able to connect well with myself in this department since I was a child. When I was little, I used to be naturally very creative, sing, draw, paint and play on some mini child instruments and I would get so absorbed in it, I was lost to the world and nothing else mattered to me. But then school came, and since I was always so pressured by my family to perform well academically and start working at a very young age, at some point I lost the ability to relax into myself on this level. Plus, the older I got, the more the poor living conditions I've always been forced to endure were bearing down on me, as if my energy expanded and the space kept only getting smaller. I live in an apartment building where neighbours bang on the walls and disturb me every time I try to chant mantras or relax into singing. I can feel the presence of people around me in this tight space, and it paralyses me into a state of stress that completely blocks the relaxation I need to experience, in order to channel this type of energy. It makes sense that I'm not really able to create or perform freely if I'm constantly uncomfortable.

I guess both due to the mix of my restrictive upbringing and the oppressive physical situation, I have learned to cope emotionally by being a workaholic and using "the grind" to feel relaxed out of lack of other options, since this is what I was basically forced into from a very young age. However since I am...well, myself lol, I am not just going to sit with toxic upbringing emotional patterns and allow them to get too comfortable inside me. Instead, the moment I could see this aspect of myself in detail, I decided to make an honest assessment and make a change. I can't say I'm comfortable with myself in any way at this point, but that is mainly because my physical circumstances are still restrictive, which is something I have no control over until I can actually change it. However, I have done my best to change what is within my power. First thing I did was to quit obsessive gaming, which I used in the past to channel my OCD. I'm talking an insane quest completion and mapping level to fake an environment of constant achievement. I still like games because I love exploring interesting fictional worlds, but that part is fine since the key is in the intention. The other thing that helped me is pursuing my life calling. Since its very nature requires being in tune with myself in order to create authentic content, and I refuse to repeat the unhealthy grinding pattern in something I really love, I force myself to work only when it's really coming from the heart. That slows down my progress immensely and limits results, because I'm forced to spend most of my time coping with the discomfort, impatience, frustration about my life and reigning in my extremely obsessive nature, without having many meaningful outlets to actually pour all this energy into. Only when I'm done with all this and I feel genuine inspiration, I actually move on to the productive part of the day.

[kittykatinabag]

I'm not in therapy (yet, 2020 is a thing that's going to happen once my new healthcare plan kicks in and I can actually afford it), but I think the worst thing about traumatic experiences that aren't necessarily part of the actual trauma part but are associated with the trauma is when stupid mundane things trigger the ever living fuck out of me.

I probably look like a complete asshole to the guy I'm seeing because his sleep schedule is fucked up due to his current project at work and him needing to sleep into the afternoon triggered the ever living fuck out of me since some of the lowest mental health years of my life with my exboyfriend we were doing exactly that and being wholly unproductive the entire day and my mind just noped out of there and kept repeating that we needed to get up and do at least something somewhat productive or pleasurable so I just packed my shit up and spent the 20 minute drive home practically bawling because even though I can recognize what's happening to my mind and the physical reactions it's going through, I still can't explain them in a way that more neurotypical people can understand and I don't have enough mental fortitude to get through the episode while also trying to explain what is happening.

So yeah. This is shit. Legitimately I hate my exboyfriend for doing the shit he did to make me this way. I don't want to hear any mantras like "forgive them and you'll be set free!" Like no. I want the almost 3 years we dated back. I want my only mental health problems to be my social anxiety (which is getting better as I learn how to actually interact with people) and depression (which is manageable because I literally can't remember a time where I didn't have one symptom of it so it's like familiar), instead of having to be able to recognize what is triggering me and having constant cycling breakdowns about myself. I want to be able to not doubt someone when they show me affection. I want to be able to give affection without having to hesitate and try to figure out if I'm just giving affection to get something I want (physical intimacy, emotional support etc) or if I'm actually legitimately wanting to give affection. I don't want to think and analyze anymore. I just want to feel and experience.