#and reload so I could see them multiple times

[ltleflrt]

If my response came off as Terfy, then I sincerely apologize. I include trans people under the queer umbrella, and the trans men in my life are gay, and the trans women I know seem to lean towards a preference for men too. My enby friends can go either way (which is thematically appropriate lol). I'm not saying all the trans folks in the world have a preference for men, btw. I'm just putting out the reminder that trans folks are also men-lovers in a lot of cases. Either way, I could have been clearer that what I actually mean is cishet women + queer people of all orientations and genders when I said "women and/or queer folks".

I still stand by my point that MY OPINION is that Shadowheart is boring to ME. She's a blank slate due to her memory loss. Almost a Born Sexy Yesterday trope. And all the cishet men I see talking positively about her say she's their sexy goth princess. Maybe that weird rhetoric colors my vision of her, but I still find her the least interesting companion. But LARIAN STATS state that she's the #1 love interest.

WHY THEN, is she ignored on AO3?

Well do you know who hangs out on AO3 the most? Statistically, mostly cishet women and/or queer folks. Again, "queer" is an umbrella for LGBTQ+, but it's important to remember that cishet women also have an extremely high presence in the fanfic writing community as a whole compared to cishet men, so that's why I call them out specifically in addition to literally anyone queer. Especially in romance centered fanfiction stats. Not all of these characters are going to be involved in ships when they're tagged on AO3, but people tend to include side characters that they have affection for from canon. And I'm talking about why people might have more affection for some characters vs others. Adding the straight girlies to the queer pile really weighs down the "prefers male characters" side of the scale when we're talking about the population inhabiting AO3.

Fandom as a whole does not only include fanfiction writers on AO3 though, so OP's argument that the numbers the characters pulled are problematic is weak. The cishet dudes are hanging out elsewhere. My husband, a cishet dude, romanced Shadowheart. He's not writing fanfic and posting it on AO3. (When he does write fanfic, it's Self-insert/Rogue X-Men, and he's not sharing it anywhere because he's afraid of being shamed for shipping himself with his bae, even on AO3.) He reads his fic on Fanfic.net because that's where he finds the more Gen oriented fic. And he's the ONLY straight man that I know who reads fic at all, and I've got a very large circle of mostly male gamer dude friends that I've known for 20 years because we all met through MMOs.

So if Shadowheart is the #1 love interest in the entire game, but not among the AO3 crowd, that leaves the gamer dude bros as a very large remaining slice of the pie. I'm not saying no women or queer people love her or find her interesting. Obviously she's not tagged zero on AO3. There's just a smaller group of women and/or queer folks that she appeals to p. That doesn't invalidate whatever they read into her character and story arc, it just means that it's a more unique lens to view her through. And I think that's excellent! Not my bag, but good for them.

The thing about the original post though, is that it's comparing similar characters to each other and saying that their writing is equal, when it is NOT. I think that there is an extreme imbalance of the quality of writing and quantity of story for just about everyone on this list. I will concede that Shadowheart has more in-game structure as a character and a storyline than everyone else on this list, including Astarion, but she's the ONLY one on this list who is given more attention from the game, and I…PERSONALLY, as I specified in my first reply…find that content bland. YMMV. If you read her through a queer lens, please continue to do so, I support you 100%, and I hope you're writing fic for all the other thirsty SH Girlies.

The post doesn't talk about Lae'zel, who I started out thinking was a bitch, but who I fell head over heels for before act 1 was finished. It doesn't talk about Karlach, who I truly expected to be Larian's #1 on the love interest statistics because she's hot (no pun intended), she's fun, she's got an interesting story despite having less content than some of the other companions. Especially since she appeals to straight men as well as the queer audience. And Wyll… lord, bringing up poor Wyll in that post would have invalidated the whole thing's point because canon treats him so dirty with both the quality and the quantity of his content in the game. But they're not brought up in the post because they're harder to pair up with someone similar. (Though I would argue that instead of Shadowheart & Astarion, it should have been Karlach & Astarion instead, or even maybe in addition to.) (Also, I'm not really bringing Gale into this because he's popular compared to Lae'zel, Karlach, and Wyll, but I find him bland too.)

The original post is specifically pointing out 2 similar characters and saying they are given equal attention in the writing, and they. are. not. I joked about Jaheira and Minsc in my original response, but the truth of it is, Jaheira has waaaaaaaaaaay more story that Minsc and it shows in her tag numbers. Fandom girlies (gender neutural) love a himbo, so if it was "people just love guys more", then Minsc would be a clear winner. He's a himbo with a small fuzzy pet. That is BAIT. But he's in the game for a blink of an eye compared to literally everyone else. We get to know Jaheira for 2 acts, and her questlines in act 3 are pretty significant chunks of the main plot, whereas Minsc is just part of Jaheira's story and we get barely anything on him. And it shows! Jaheira is wildly more popular than Minsc! Because their stories in canon are of uneven quality or quantity.

The post says "here's 9 sets of characters who DO have comparable characterization, plot relevance/presence, and personal development" and then gives us 1 example that proves their point, and 8 examples which do not, the last one being the literal exact opposite of what they're trying to prove here. Their point, as I understood it, is that female characters are ignored by FANDOM even though CANON treats them equally to male characters. But their examples are weak, and their sample size is bad.

There are, statistically, more people involved in the writing fic side of fandom, specifically on AO3, who are into dudes. I'm sorry if that means there's less content for the folks with preference for female characters. I'm just SO tired of "fandom is problematic" arguments about it, especially when it's propped up by poor examples.

A common issue in fandom spaces is female characters ignored in favor of their male counterparts, and one of the biggest reasons I see given is that the women just aren't as interesting as the men. They're placed in lesser roles with less story impact, less personality, less character development, so of course the men get more fan interest.

With that in mind, here's 9 sets of characters who DO have comparable characterization, plot relevance/presence, and personal development -- and how many tagged works each character has on Archive of Our Own. Spoilers: it's pretty bad.

[just-aake]

Who Would Sit at Your Grave the Longest?

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Summary: Who would ever mourn the life of a trained spy and assassin?

Warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, violence, mention of death, scenes from Marvel movies, multiple time skips

Words: 11,010

Red Room, Unknown — 2002

“If you passed away, who would sit at your grave the longest?”

It was a strange question, posed by one of the girls in the Red Room. The answers from the others are what one would expect – mom, dad, siblings, friends. 

People they remembered from their lives before. 

People who loved them.

With so many choices, it was difficult for some to decide who would fill that position.

Natasha, however, didn’t need any time to consider her answer.

She raises the gun in her hand and fires multiple shots at the practice target, each one hitting a fatal area. After the last bullet, she removes the empty magazine with practiced ease, reloads the gun, and aims at the target once again.

“Who would sit at her grave the longest?”

Her grip wavers slightly at the thought, but Natasha takes a short, steadying breath before steeling herself. 

Consecutive shots ring out in the room, hitting the target with perfect precision and demonstrating why she is one of the most feared assassins in the world.

For Natasha, the answer was clear.

“No one.” 

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

Abandoned Building, Budapest - 2003

With a tired sigh, Natasha leans her head against the wall of the abandoned building. She lifts her hand from her side, grimacing at the sight of blood covering her palm.

With a slight wince, she presses it against the wound again and glances at the person sitting across from her. 

His head hangs limply against his chest, his own hand pressing against a wound on his stomach. If not for his shallow breathing, Natasha would have thought he was already dead.

Taking a deep breath, she nudges him with her boot. “Hey, Barton, you still with me?”

He stirs slightly at her words, becoming more alert, and chuckles softly. “I knew you had a heart, Romanoff.”

Natasha rolls her eyes at his comment, turning her gaze to the distance, searching for any sign of backup from his organization. 

Clint Barton had been the first to see something different in her—something better—and had offered her a way out of her previous life. 

Now, the one person who might actually care about her existence was dying right in front of her.

A coughing fit seizes Clint at that moment, and a trickle of blood escapes his lips.

“If your people don’t arrive here soon—”

Before she could finish, the sound of an engine fills the air as a quinjet lands nearby, kicking up a whirl of dust. 

Spotting the SHIELD logo, Natasha quickly stands, grunting as she pulls Clint up and slings his arm over her shoulder, dragging him toward the plane.

“Over here!” she shouts to the disembarking crew.

The agents at the front eye her warily, cautiously raising their weapons until they recognize Barton and realize his condition. They quickly rushed to help, taking her place and carrying him onto the quinjet.

Natasha shuffles forward slowly, keeping a close eye on them to ensure they’re handling him carefully.

Suddenly, a hand brushes her side, startling her. Instinctively, she grips the wrist and yanks it away, only to find herself locking eyes with you, surprise evident on your face.

Her glare is sharp, a silent warning, but you furrow your brows and pull your hand free, undeterred by her reaction. 

“You’re injured too,” you point out, trying to examine the wound on her side.

“I’m fine,” Natasha grits out, swallowing hard against the pain. “You should be taking care of Agent Barton.” 

She tries to sidestep you, but her strength falters as the adrenaline starts to fade, and she stumbles. Bracing herself for a hard landing, she’s surprised when a pair of arms catches her before she can fall.

Leaning her head on your shoulder, Natasha takes a deep breath, trying to steady herself and shake off the wave of dizziness.

“He has enough people,” you say firmly, your voice resolute. “I can focus on taking care of you.”

With that, you adjust her gently in your arms and start guiding her toward the quinjet.

“Come on, you’re not dying today.”

You say it with such certainty and determination that Natasha can’t help but believe you.

As you walk, she glances at the side of your face, her curiosity piqued.

“How strange,” Natasha muses to herself, “to have found another person who seems to care about her existence.”

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

Stark Mansion, Malibu - 2010

After pretending to be impressed by Stark’s demonstration of the Iron Man armored glove and its repulsor beam, Natasha quietly slips away as Miss Potts confronts him for his reckless behavior.

At the private bar, Natasha prepares more drinks, anticipating Tony’s inevitable request for another round.

“This is quite the birthday party,” a voice comments from behind.

Natasha turns her head to find you leaning casually on the opposite side of the bar countertop, giving her a friendly smile. 

Since her initial encounter with you after joining SHIELD, Natasha hasn’t had the opportunity to work with you again, only spotting you in passing until now. 

She raises a questioning brow at you, curious about your presence and wondering how she missed you being part of the team for this mission.

“It seems you’ve gained Mr. Stark’s trust pretty well,” you remark, referring to her little performance earlier.

Returning to her task, Natasha responds as she continues to pour the drinks. 

“It’s not hard. He’s a textbook narcissist.” 

A loud clatter erupts from the other room and interrupts the conversation, prompting both of you to look at the sound in alertness.  

Tony picks himself up from where he stumbled into the DJ booth, then throws his arms up in the air with a cheer, eliciting an excited response from the crowd.

Spotting how he leans heavily on the table for support, Natasha shakes her head and continues her observations.

“His condition is worsening, though. He’ll need something to take the edge off soon.”

From the corner of her eyes, Natasha notices your expression become contemplative as you tilt your head and observe her curiously. 

“What?” she asks.

“Nothing,” you reply with a small shake of your head. “It’s just nice of you to worry about your new friend.”

Natasha rolls her eyes at that. 

Tony Stark is just a potential candidate for the Avenger Initiative that she’s been assigned to assess. From what she’s seen, he cares less about being her friend than she does.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Natasha asserts, turning around with the tray of finished drinks.

You smoothly pluck a glass from the tray before Natasha can stop you and sip it nonchalantly, unbothered by her glare. Still, Natasha can’t help but smirk slightly, amused by your bold action. 

Setting the empty glass down, you glance at Tony, who is still playing to the crowd.

“No harm in building genuine friendships,” you comment before nodding at the billionaire. 

“Anyway, lucky for him, Fury agrees. He wants to meet with Mr. Stark soon,” you reveal.

Natasha’s brows knit together in confusion.

“Fury sent you just to tell me that?” 

You turn your gaze back to her, a small grin tugging at the corner of your lips as you push yourself off the counter. 

“Me coming here was more of a personal choice.”

Her eyes narrow in suspicion, still puzzled by your answer.

“Why would you do that?” 

With a light chuckle, you meet her gaze, a slight smirk playing on your lips. 

“Maybe I just wanted to see the legendary Black Widow in action,” you admit, your tone teasing, before turning to walk away.

For a moment, Natasha is left stunned, her mind racing to make sense of your reasoning. But as you disappear from view, a sudden sensation tightens in her chest. She quickly sets the tray down and moves around the counter, her instincts urging her to follow you. 

Just as she takes a step forward, a deafening crash reverberates through the building. 

Whirling toward the source of the noise, Natasha’s eyes widen as she spots Tony, now clad in his Iron Man armor, locked in a fierce struggle with one of his other mech suits.

Natasha groans, rolling her eyes as she braces herself to clean up yet another one of Stark’s infamous messes. 

She wonders how you could think this man could ever be among those she’d considered a friend.

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

Stark Tower, New York City - 2012

With the portal closed and the battle over, Natasha and the other newly assembled Avengers gather on the top floor of the Stark Tower to complete the final task of apprehending Loki.

“Alright, get him on his feet,” Tony says, gesturing at the defeated god sprawled on the floor. His Iron Man suit begins to disengage from his body as he walks away. 

“Oh, and by the way, feel free to clean up,” he remarks to the others, waving at the destroyed room left in the aftermath of the battle. 

Natasha rolls her eyes at his words before focusing on the piece of metal in her hands. She taps Loki’s scepter gently against her palm and asks, “So, who gets the magic wand?”

Standing near the shelves filled with various bottles of alcohol, Clint retrieves two glass cups and answers, “Strike team’s coming to secure it.”

As he finishes speaking, the strike team steps out of the elevator, carrying a large case. 

“We can take that,” an agent offers, heading towards her.

“By all means,” Natasha replies, handing it to them and walking toward Clint. Out of the corner of her eyes, she notices one of the agents examining the staff’s point with their hand. 

“Careful with that thing,” she warns.

Clint nods in agreement as he hands her a glass, “Unless you want your mind erased, and not the fun way.”

As they both turn around toward the bar, the cups are taken from their hands.

“And I’ll take these,” you declare, placing them on the counter. 

“Medical team is also here,” you announce with a smirk, placing your hands on your hips. “Which means the agent with blood dripping from their head should have a seat.”

Natasha and Clint exchange glances to see who you’re referring to.

“Looks like you’re going first,” Clint declares happily, patting Natasha on her shoulder and stepping around you–not before sneakily taking back his cup. 

When Natasha doesn’t move, you cross your arms and tilt your head at her with a raised brow. 

“Well, are you going to sit, or do I need to wait until you fall on me again?”

Natasha huffs in amusement at the reminder before taking a seat on the barstool, giving you space to come closer. 

Stepping forward, you place yourself between her legs and gently brush back her hair as you examine her forehead. 

“Doesn’t look like you’ll need stitches, so that’s good,” you comment.

Natasha clicks her tongue in mock disappointment. 

“No scar? That’s a shame.”

Your lips twitch upward slightly at her words, and Natasha grins proudly, knowing she almost made you smile. 

As you clean her wound, your hands move delicately across her skin, treating her with the utmost care.

Noticing your closeness, Natasha takes a moment to observe you, intrigued at how comfortable you are around her. She was so absorbed in watching you that she almost missed your next words. 

“You all make a good team.”

At the mention of the others, Natasha glances over at them across the room, talking and jostling each other in a friendly fashion. 

It’s admittedly an odd bunch that Fury managed to assemble: a demi-god, a super soldier, a billionaire tech genius, a scientist with an angry alter ego, and a couple of master assassins.

“Not what I imagined, but surprisingly, it turned out okay,” Natasha admits. 

After finishing the bandages, your hand drifts from her hair to gently cup her face, lifting it to meet your eyes. 

“You came together, trusted each other, and had each other’s backs—all within just a few days,” you say, your voice steady with conviction. “That’s more than just okay.”

You give her a soft smile, tilting your head lightly. 

“It’s actually pretty incredible…and so are you.”

Natasha’s eyes widen at your words, leaving her speechless.

A familiar warmth stirs in her chest, similar to the sensation she felt the last time she met you—a subtle yet undeniable pull towards you. 

The intensity of your gaze draws her in, making her feel connected to you in a way she hadn’t anticipated.

Her fingers fidget in her lap as she considers bridging the small gap between you. She raises her hand hesitantly, about to reach out—

“Romanoff!” Tony calls, causing Natasha to withdraw her hand and turn her head, inadvertently making your hand fall from her face, much to her disappointment.

He and the others are gathered by the elevator, looking in her direction. Tony waves his hand in a hurried gesture.

“Hurry it up with the doctor-patient roleplay! The shawarma’s going to get cold.”

Natasha glares at him for the interruption before returning her attention to you. 

“Shawarma?” you ask with a questioning tilt of your head.

She shakes her head exasperatedly. 

“I don’t know. Tony wants to try it.”

You hum in understanding and take a step back. 

“Well, that bandage should be fine for now, but you’ll need a more thorough check-up when you return.”

Natasha leans forward slightly, a small smirk playing on her lips as she teases, “By you?”

You meet her smirk with an amused smile. “We’ll see.”

Accepting that she won’t get a definitive answer, Natasha nods and stands. As she’s about to pass by you, a thought crosses her mind, and she pauses beside you.

“What about you?” she asks.

You look up from where you’re packing your things. “What about me?”

Natasha huffs lightly at your evasiveness, ready to respond, but she hesitates. Her usual confidence falters, and uncertainty flickers in her eyes for a brief moment as they meet yours. 

After everything she’s been through, Natasha is still unsure whether she deserves to feel this way about someone—to want to not feel alone.

Noticing her hesitation, your expression softens, and you offer an understanding smile. With a gentle push on her back, you urge her forward.

“Go, you deserve to celebrate this win with your team,” you say, your voice calm and encouraging.

Before Natasha can reply, Tony calls out again. 

“The elevator’s going to leave without you, Romanoff,” he warns. 

You give her an encouraging nod, and with a light sigh, she makes her way to the elevator, where the others are already waiting inside.

Tony leans casually against the elevator doors, arms crossed and a teasing grin on his face. 

Before he can make a comment, Natasha gives him a shove, pushing him inside, and quickly presses the button. As the doors close, she catches one last glimpse of your little wave at her before you disappear from view.

Reflecting on your words, Natasha glances around at the people beside her. Surrounded by her new teammates, she begins to realize that maybe, she’s not so alone anymore, after all.

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

National Mall, Washington, D.C. – 2014

Natasha lets go of the back of Steve’s neck, breaking the kiss, and turns around casually on the escalator. With their fake display of affection, Rumlow and the other SHIELD agents do not spare them a glance as they search the mall.

She steps off the escalator smoothly and glances slightly over her shoulder at the super soldier. 

“You still uncomfortable?”

Steve clears his throat lightly, trying to regain his composure. 

“It’s not exactly the word I would use.”

The two walk calmly until they reach the path leading to the underground parking garage. As they pass through the doors, Natasha notices Steve’s awkward silence and decides to tease him a little.

“Don’t tell me you’re still flustered from that kiss, Rogers?”

Steve sighs at her teasing, “No, I just wasn’t expecting–”

As they round a corner, Natasha and Steve abruptly come to a stop, finding themselves face-to-face with a SHIELD agent.

He eyes them suspiciously, his hand moving toward his walkie-talkie. 

Reacting swiftly, Steve tackles him before he can alert the others, and the two engage in a fierce fistfight.

Natasha steps forward to assist, but before she can reach them, someone grabs her from behind and throws her against a concrete column. She groans in surprise as pain radiates from the impact. 

Before she can recover, a body pins her against the wall, an arm pressing against her collarbone.

Natasha’s hands instinctively push against the pressure as she focuses on her attacker. Her eyes widen in surprise at who she sees.

“Since when are you a part of the strike team?” she grunts out.

You frown slightly and nod toward Steve. 

“Since Captain America took down most of their men, and they had to pull others from different teams,” you explain before giving her a questioning look. “You do know he’s wanted by SHIELD, right?”

“Yes,” Natasha grits out, raising her knee sharply, catching you off guard. 

The sudden pain in your side forces you to loosen your grip just enough for her to slip out. With a swift motion, Natasha twists her body, reversing your positions, and slams you against the wall, pinning you there.

“Do you know why SHIELD wants you to hunt him?” Natasha challenges.

Despite being pinned, your expression remains calm as you raise a brow at her.

“What happened to the Black Widow who followed every order—no questions asked?”

Natasha pauses, thinking about the anger and sense of loss she felt after Fury’s sudden death—one of the few who had become an important figure in her life. He was betrayed, and she was determined to find out who was behind it, even if it meant going against orders.

“I’m trying something new,” Natasha answers. 

To her surprise, a smile spreads across your face, and you remark proudly, “Good.”

It’s then Natasha notices you aren’t even trying to break free from your pinned position. Your hands hang limply at your sides, offering no resistance. 

Slowly, Natasha lowers her arm from your chest and takes a small step back, allowing you to lean against the wall on your own.

You make no move to attack her.

Before Natasha can question your intentions, the walkie-talkie at your side crackles to life with incoming communication.

“Anything in the lower levels?” Rumlow’s voice asks.

Your eyes drift down to the device at the request for an answer. As your hand reaches for the walkie-talkie, Steve, having just dealt with the other agent, rushes toward you. 

But Natasha quickly stops him, holding out her to block his path. She watches you calmly as you raise the walkie to your mouth, maintaining eye contact with her the entire time.

“Negative in the parking garage,” you respond.

Rumlow’s frustrated growl sounds through the speaker. “Expand the search area and sweep the floors again.”

“Understood.”

With that, you casually toss the walkie aside and raise your hands in surrender. When Natasha and Steve remain still, you give them a pointed look.

“Shouldn’t the two of you be looking for a way to escape?” you suggest, your tone laced with a hint of urgency.

Understanding your intentions, Steve gives you an appreciative nod and gently touches Natasha’s arm. 

“I’ll go find us a ride,” he says.

“Okay,” Natasha replies with a nod, watching as Steve heads off in search of a vehicle.

When she turns back to you, she notices a slight frown on your face as your arms cross over your chest.

“You two seem closer,” you observe.

Natasha chuckles softly, catching the hint of displeasure in your tone. 

“Aren’t you the one who told me to make friends?”

You huff in response, giving her a tiny glare before walking past her.

As you examine the unconscious agent on the ground, a thoughtful hum escapes you, clearly contemplating your next move.

Sensing your dilemma, Natasha steps beside you and offers, “You could always come with us.”

You shake your head and turn to her with a slight smirk. 

“Three’s a crowd,” you reply before taking a step closer, tilting your head curiously. “Did you really kiss him?”

Realizing you must have overheard her earlier comment, Natasha starts to explain.

“It was just a cover.”

She watches you carefully as you take another step closer, leaving only a small gap between your bodies. Feeling slightly distracted, Natasha swallows lightly and continues, unsure why she feels the need to explain herself further.

“Public displays of affection make people very…”

Natasha’s words trail off as you place your hands on her waist and lean in slightly with a tilt of your head.

“…uncomfortable,” she finishes softly, her eyes falling to your lips, which curve up slightly at her attention.

Her pulse quickens, and for a moment, the world around the two of you fades, leaving only the charged tension in the air between you. 

That familiar, tempting feeling stirs within her again.

She lifts her eyes to meet yours, noticing the amusement dancing in your gaze.

“Are you uncomfortable?” you whisper, the words softly caressing her lips.

Natasha finds herself leaning forward as she responds with a breathless sigh, “No.” 

Just as the space between you is about to disappear, you abruptly pull back, removing your hands from her hips and stepping away. 

“Good to know,” you say with a playful grin. You raise your hand to reveal a tiny taser disk between your fingers. “Do you mind if I borrow this?”

Still stunned by your sudden move, Natasha remains frozen, too shocked to react to the revelation of the item you swiped from her.

You chuckle at her silence, tilting your head playfully. 

“Catch me?” you request before activating the device and delivering an electric shock to yourself.

Recovering quickly, Natasha catches you as you slump forward, wrapping her arms around you and gently lowering you to the ground.

With a small huff of disbelief, Natasha cups your unconscious face, caressing your cheek with a fond touch.

You always know how to leave her speechless.

A truck pulls up beside her, and Steve leans out from the driver’s seat. “Ready to go?”

Natasha takes a moment to make sure you’re positioned comfortably before nodding and hopping into the passenger seat.

As they drive toward New Jersey, the silence eventually gives way to their earlier conversation.

“Really? Nobody special, though?” Natasha asks, glancing over at Steve.

Steve sighs, a touch of exasperation in his voice. 

“Believe it or not, it’s kind of hard to find someone with shared life experiences,” he replies, then gestures toward her. “And what about you? You keep urging me to go on dates, but it doesn’t seem like you’re taking any steps in your love life either.”

He nudges her arm encouragingly, adding, “That agent earlier seemed interested.”

Natasha smirks at his observation, her gaze drifting to the window as the trees blur past. After a pause, she answers, her voice thoughtful.

“I don’t know. People usually want something real,” she says, her eyes distant, as if she’s seeing something far beyond the road. She turns to Steve with a small, sad smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Nothing about me is.”

Steve remains silent for a moment, processing her words.

“You know, you’ll never find out if someone can accept you until you let them see the real you,” he says gently, his tone firm yet understanding.

“Yeah…” Natasha whispers, almost to herself. 

Her thoughts wander to her secretive past, the parts of herself hidden from the world. If you knew who she really was, would you still trust her? Or would you leave her, like so many others had? 

Her entire life, people wanted her to be something for them—a killer, a spy, a tool. Everyone had their own agenda.

She turns back to Steve, a curious glint in her eyes. “Who do you want me to be?”

Steve meets her gaze, sincerity in his expression. “How about a friend?” he suggests, his words simple yet filled with meaning.

Natasha laughs, starting with disbelief but gradually softening into something more genuine.

Shaking her head, she imagines what her past self would think of her now—a person trying to be more open to others.

“Maybe I could manage that,” she decides, her tone lighter than ever before.

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

Avengers Tower, New York City – 2015

Laughter fills the common room of the Avengers Tower as everyone takes turns trying to lift Thor’s hammer. With one last grunt, Steve lets go and shakes his head in defeat, returning to his seat with a chuckle.

“Alright, be honest, it’s rigged,” Tony remarks to Thor. “The handle is imprinted. The one who is worthy is the one with Thor’s fingerprints, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Clint agrees with a laugh, clinking his bottle with Natasha’s. He sits on the floor, leaning against her seat, and takes another sip.

Natasha chuckles lightly and brings her bottle up for a drink, only to pull it away and see it’s empty. She looks at it in confusion, wondering when she had finished it.

A hand takes the empty bottle from her, and Natasha turns to see you sitting on the arm of her chair, giving her an amused smile.

“You finished it two attempts ago,” you reveal.

“Were you watching me the entire time?” Natasha asks with a playful smirk.

You return her expression with a slight smirk of your own and lean in closer, your hand sliding against the back of her chair.

“Well, it’s hard to pay attention to anyone else when you’re around,” you reply.

Before Natasha can respond, Tony claps his hands together, exclaiming, “Alright, who’s next? Romanoff? Hill?”

Maria shakes her head as she stands and heads to the bar. “I’m going to have to pass.”

Chuckling lightly, you stand also and give Natasha an encouraging touch on her shoulder.

“You have fun. I’m going to get us another round.” 

Natasha’s eyes follow you the entire time as you walk away. When she finally turns back around, she notices Steve giving her a pointed look. 

“What?” she questions, arching a brow.

“Come on, you and her. It’s obvious there’s something between you two,” Steve insists.

“Don’t bother, Cap. She’s not going to be convinced. I’ve tried,” Clint chimes in, earning a tiny kick from Natasha in reprimand.

“Ow, see what I mean.”

Natasha rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

“We flirt,” she defends with a shrug. “It’s what we’ve always done. Just some innocent fun.” 

Tony, overhearing the exchange, joins the conversation with a nod toward something behind her.

“Yeah, well, it’s not looking so innocent over there,” he remarks.

Natasha furrows her brows and turns to look at the bar. Her frown deepens at what she sees.

You and Maria are talking and laughing together, with the latter leaning a bit too close for Natasha’s comfort.

“Hey, take it from someone who knows. You don’t want to wait before it’s too late,” Steve advises.

Natasha considers his words as she watches the two of you, contemplating what she should do. 

You and she have grown and maintained this comfortable dynamic for years. Of course, there’s an undeniable attraction, but Natasha isn’t sure if taking things further would be worth the risk of losing what she already has with you.

However, when Maria leans forward to whisper something in your ear, Natasha suddenly finds herself rising from her chair and heading toward the bar.

Just as you duck down to grab something from the bottom shelves, Maria takes the opportunity to slip away, passing by Natasha with a pat on the shoulder and a whispered, “Good luck.”

Frowning in confusion, Natasha glances back to see Maria and Clint exchanging a high-five. Realizing she’s been set up, Natasha turns to retreat to her seat before you notice her.

But it’s too late.

“Oh, hey, I’m almost finished with the drinks,” you call out, straightening with a grin as you spot her.

With her escape route cut off, Natasha decides to sit at the counter, her earlier irritation melting away when she meets your gaze.

“You sure you’re not getting distracted over here?” Natasha teases, her tone playful.

You laugh lightly as you secure the top of the shaker, shaking it with practiced ease, your eyes never leaving hers.

“Only if you’re the distraction,” you tease back.

Natasha relaxes at the warmth of the familiar banter, putting her at ease as she watches you finish preparing the drinks and pour them into two glasses.

You slide one across the counter to her and nod curiously toward the gathered group.

“You didn’t want to try to lift the hammer?” you ask with a curious tilt of your head.

“Oh, no,” Natasha replies, shaking her head slightly as she raises her glass to her lips. “No, that’s not a question that I need answered.”

“Really?” you respond, leaning forward on the counter, bringing yourself closer to her. Your hand inches toward hers, brushing her fingers lightly and letting the touch linger. 

With a slight smirk, you raise a brow. “Then what is?”

That familiar feeling stirs in Natasha’s chest again as she holds your gaze—the temptation to close the distance between you two growing stronger.

Recalling Steve’s advice, Natasha swallows nervously and answers in a soft whisper, “Something probably only you can help me with.”

Intrigued, you gesture for her to continue, your attention entirely on her.

“There’s this thing—this feeling,” Natasha begins cautiously. “It appears during certain situations, like a pressure in my chest.” 

You furrow your brows in concern. “Does it hurt?”

Natasha chuckles lightly, her gaze dropping to the drink you made for her, swirling it gently. The small ripples are nothing compared to the pounding of her heart at that moment.

“Sometimes,” she admits, her eyes drifting to your hand beside hers. She’s tempted to intertwine them but ultimately decides against it.

“It feels like I’m standing on the edge,” Natasha explains, meeting your eyes again. “I know what’s waiting for me if I turn and walk away, but if I choose to fall…”

She releases a shaky breath. 

“…I don’t know what that future looks like, and that terrifies me.”

Your expression softens with understanding. You reach out, this time more deliberately, and your fingers find hers with gentle assurance.

Natasha clears her throat lightly, a playful smile tugging at her lips as she tries to mask the vulnerability of her confession.

“So what should I do?” she asks, her tone teasing, an attempt to deflect the seriousness of the moment.

You chuckle softly, recognizing her attempt to lighten the mood.

“I think—”

The sound of scratching metal against the floor interrupts the conversation as Natasha and everyone in the room turn to look at the dilapidated robot that has just dragged itself in front of them.

The moments after that are chaotic as she and the Avengers have to deal with Ultron’s threat to the world.

New Avengers Facility, Upstate New York

With Ultron defeated and most of the original members either retired or off on their own adventures, Natasha watches bittersweetly as Steve welcomes the new recruits to the Avengers. 

Footsteps approach and stop beside her, and Natasha doesn’t need to look to know who it is.

“The new team looks good,” you comment, your eyes scanning the mix of familiar and new faces before glancing at Natasha’s expression.

“Do you miss them?” you ask softly, understanding the emotions behind her eyes.

Natasha sighs, her gaze still fixed on the newcomers.

“Nothing lasts forever,” she replies, a touch of sadness in her voice but not surprised. She’s accustomed to things not staying a part of her life.

You hum thoughtfully, considering her words before declaring with quiet conviction, “Well, you won’t have to worry about that with me.”

Natasha turns to look at you with a curious tilt of her head.

You offer her a small, reassuring smile. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” you say, your words laced with promise.

A soft smile spreads across Natasha’s face at your assurance, feeling the familiar warmth blossoming in her chest.

“You never answered my question,” she reminds you, referring to the conversation that was interrupted earlier.

Natasha waits, her nerves on edge as you consider your response. Finally, you meet her gaze with a soft expression, placing a gentle hand on her arm.

“You should do whatever feels right for you,” you say sincerely, giving her arm a comforting squeeze before turning to leave.

Natasha looks down, a slight shake of her head and a light huff of amusement escaping her as she recognizes your deflection.

“But if you want my opinion…” you add, pausing at the doorway, prompting Natasha to look back up at you.

Lingering at the threshold, you offer her a playful smirk. “… I’d say, based on my track record, I’ve caught you when you’ve fallen before.” You shrug lightly. “And it seems like everything has turned out fine since then.”

Your smile widens as you notice Natasha rendered speechless once again before you turn to leave the room.

Recovering quickly, Natasha strides after you with determination. She catches up to you this time, gently taking your hand and turning you around to face her.

Cupping your cheek, she leans in and kisses you, pouring all her emotions into the gesture.

Before she can even worry that she might have made a mistake, you wrap your arms around her, pulling her closer as you deepen the kiss, your lips moving fervently against hers.

The world around Natasha fades away, leaving only the two of you in that moment, and she knows she made the right decision.

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

Leipzig-Halle Airport, Leipzig – 2016

Natasha looks across the airport at the people she had come to call friends and then back at those standing beside her. As the two sides rush at each other and engage in battle, she can’t help but wonder how it came to this—how they all decided that fighting each other was the only option left. 

She’s not even sure if signing the accords was the right choice, but the one thing she does know is that staying together is supposed to be the most important thing. 

Just because they’re fighting now doesn’t mean Natasha cares any less about them. The thought lingers as the chaos of battle surrounds her. 

Clint flips her to the ground, and she reacts instinctively, bringing up her batons to block his bow from pinning her down. The two lock eyes, a familiar intensity passing between them.

“We’re still friends, right?” Natasha asks, her voice steady despite the conflict around them.

Clint smirks, the kind of smile that reassures her, even in the midst of battle. 

“Depends on how hard you hit me.”

Natasha grins back, then uses her legs to flip him off of her. She springs to her feet, ready to deliver a follow-up kick, when a sudden wave of red energy wraps around her leg, freezing her in place. 

Startled, she glances to the side, catching only a brief glimpse of Wanda before she’s hurled through the air. 

Natasha braces herself for the inevitable impact, but instead of hitting the metal wall of an airport car, she collides with a body in mid-air. 

A pair of arms wrap around her, cushioning the fall as they both tumble to the ground. They roll to a stop, with Natasha ending up on top. 

Dazed but unharmed, she pushes herself up, her breath coming in short gasps as she looks down to see who caught her.

“Hey,” Natasha greets softly, a small smile forming on her lips as she cups your face with her hands. “What are you doing here?”

You don’t return her smile, instead frowning at her with concern. 

“The Avengers are fighting each other, and you didn’t think to call me?” 

Natasha’s smile falters, and she shifts her gaze away, her voice soft with guilt. 

“I didn’t want you to have to choose a side.”

You release a knowing sigh. 

“You mean, you were afraid I wouldn’t agree with your choice,” you correct gently.

Natasha twists her lips at the truth in your words. 

Yes, she’s afraid. Her makeshift family is breaking apart before her eyes, and she’s desperate to protect the one other part of her life that matters. 

Why wouldn’t she try to shield you from this chaos?

Your hand covers hers, still resting on your cheek, drawing her attention back to you.

“I’ve told you, Nat. Do whatever it is you feel is right for you. I’ll support you no matter what.”

Natasha’s eyes soften, a wave of relief washing over her. She starts to lean in, but you stop her with a gentle press of your finger against her lips.

“However,” you add, your voice firm and disapproving, “not calling me and having me find out from Stark? That’s a different kind of trouble you’re in.” 

Natasha chuckles, taking your hand from her face and pressing a gentle kiss against your palm, a hint of playfulness entering her voice.

“Well, you still love me though, right?”

You raise an eyebrow, trying to maintain your stern expression, though it softens slightly.

“I don’t know. Ask me again after this,” you tease back at her. 

Before Natasha can respond, Tony’s voice crackles through the comms, interrupting the moment. 

“Uh, less flirting, you two. In case you forgot, there are multiple fights happening around you.” 

Natasha rolls her eyes, but the smile remains on her face as she helps you up, ready to rejoin the fray.

Leipzig Hospital Balcony

“You let them go, Nat,” Tony accuses, his voice sharp with disbelief.

Natasha doesn’t deny it. In the end, she chose to help Steve and Bucky because it was the right thing to do. If the fighting didn’t stop, it would only cause more pain for everyone involved.

“We played this wrong,” Natasha admits, her voice tinged with regret.

“We?” Tony scoffs, shaking his head in frustration. “You know, it must be hard to shake the whole double agent thing, huh? It sticks in the DNA.”

The words hit her like a punch to the gut. Natasha flinches inwardly, the hurt flickering across her face before she quickly masks it. 

His comment cuts deeper than she expected, reminding her of the ghosts of her past, the shadows she’s fought so hard to leave behind after all these years. 

But here, at this moment, those shadows seem to close in on her, dark and suffocating, reminding her of the person she used to be.

Her voice hardens, a cold edge creeping into her tone. “Are you incapable of letting go of your ego for one goddamn second?” 

Tony’s expression remains stony, but there’s a brief flicker of something in his eyes—regret, maybe, or disappointment. He doesn’t back down, though. 

“T’Challa told Ross what you did, so…they’re coming for you.” 

Natasha meets his gaze, her eyes steely, refusing to show any sign of fear. 

“I’m not the one that needs to watch their back,” she replies before turning to leave.

As she walks away, the weight of the confrontation settles in her chest, heavy and suffocating. 

She finds an empty hallway and leans against the wall, pressing her hands to her eyes, trying to push back the frustration and the sting of Tony’s words. Her breath comes in uneven gasps as she struggles to regain her composure.

A gentle hand touches her wrist, a gesture of comfort, but in her raw state, she instinctively swats it away. 

When she looks up, your expression is sad as your hands retreat to your sides. You clear your throat awkwardly, searching for the right words. 

“I can talk with Ross. Maybe change his mind or something.”

Natasha breaks away from your soft gaze, looking down and biting her lip to stop herself from saying the cutting remark on the tip of her tongue—that it would not make a difference, not with her past. 

She’s all too aware of the person she was, and no words could erase that history.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” you try to reassure her. 

Despite the same certainty and determination in your tone, Natasha can’t seem to find it in her to believe that to be true this time.

Glancing up, Natasha’s eyes fall on the bruises and scratches on your face, injuries you sustained because of her—because you chose to stand by her side. 

The sight only deepens the ache in her chest.

“Don’t,” Natasha mutters, her voice trembling. “Just leave.”

“Nat…” you begin, your voice soft, filled with concern.

But she closes her eyes tightly, shaking her head as if to block out the sound. “I said go! Leave me alone!” 

The harshness in her tone is laced with pain, and it cuts through the air like a knife. 

For a moment, there’s silence, thick and heavy, before you turn and walk away, leaving Natasha alone with her thoughts. 

The hallway echoes with the sound of your retreating footsteps.

Natasha sinks down to the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees, feeling the weight of her actions pressing down on her like never before.

She thought she could finally have a different life, that she could change, but nothing has changed. She still hurts the people around her.

So, Natasha does what she does best. She disappears.

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

Seventh Circle Prison, Russia – 2016

The whirl of the helicopter blades fills the air as Natasha flies away from the prison, the tension inside the cabin palpable among its three occupants.

“It means so much to me that you girls came back for me,” Alexei begins, his voice tinged with nostalgia.

Natasha, however, isn’t in the mood for such sentimentality. Her voice is sharp as she cuts him off, “No. No, you’re gonna tell us how to get to the Red Room.”

Alexei huffs, slightly taken aback by her tone.

“Whoa, look at you, huh? All business.”

“Trust me, this isn’t pleasure,” Natasha retorts, her eyes narrowing in irritation. She was not prepared to deal with her old family after just losing her new one. But the quicker she destroys the Red Room and saves the remaining Widows, the faster she can leave this part of her past behind.

Behind her, Alexei chuckles, though there’s a trace of bitterness in his laughter.

“Little Natasha, all indoctrinated into the Western agenda.”

Natasha’s gaze hardens as she turns to glare at him. 

“I chose to go west to become an Avenger. At least they treated me like family.”

“Really? Family?” Alexei’s tone drips with sarcasm. “Well, where are they now?”

From the corner of her eye, Natasha catches Yelena looking at her. A mix of emotions crosses Yelena’s face—curiosity, concern, and a brief flash of sadness—before she turns away, staring forward.

“Where is that family now?” Alexei repeats, his voice louder, more insistent.

Unable to face the question any longer, Natasha turns away, focusing on the landscape outside instead.

The ache of loss resurfaces within her, a painful reminder of the bonds she once believed were unbreakable, now torn apart so easily.

As the helicopter continues to slice through the air, the silence between them grows heavier, especially after Natasha discovers that Melina is still working for Dreykov, remotely operating somewhere outside of Saint Petersburg.

With Yelena now at the controls of the helicopter, Natasha takes a moment for herself. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small flip phone—the only possession she hadn’t discarded when she went on the run.

Opening it, she stares at the screen, at the message she’s been fixated on for weeks.

“I love you” 

It was the last thing you sent her after she had disappeared. 

Natasha swallows nervously before attempting once more to type a response. Her fingers move over the keys, spelling out the same words that appeared on the screen countless times before.

I’m sorry|

But once again, nothing else follows. Frustration wells up inside her as her fingers hesitate, struggling to find the right words.

Instead of clarity, a heavy weight presses down on her—guilt from your last moment together, regret over her actions, and fear of what the future holds for the two of you.

Before she can dwell on it further, the helicopter suddenly lurches, jostling everyone inside.

“Yelena?!” Natasha calls out, her voice filled with alarm.

The blonde-haired Widow nods calmly, her tone casual despite the situation. 

“Uh, yeah, the plane’s going down.” She flips a few switches, nodding in confirmation. “Told you we didn’t have enough fuel to get there.”

Groaning in frustration, Natasha quickly tucks the phone away, securing herself as she declares, “Everyone, brace yourselves.”

After a rough landing and leaving the wrecked helicopter behind, they finally arrive at Melina’s home.

The four of them sit awkwardly around the table, a scene eerily reminiscent of how it was many years ago.

Breaking the silence, Alexei exclaims joyfully, “Family! Back together again!”

Natasha rolls her eyes, dismissing his enthusiasm as she tries to stay focused on the mission.

“So, here’s what’s going to happen—”

“Natasha, don’t slouch,” Melina interrupts, her voice carrying a motherly tone.

Blinking in surprise, Natasha straightens slightly, though she couldn’t help but argue, “I’m not slouching.”

“Yes, yes you are,” Melina insists, her tone firm.

“I don’t slouch,” Natasha retorts, irritation creeping into her voice. 

“You’re going to get a back hunch,” Melina continues, unfazed by Natasha’s resistance.

Alexei nods in agreement, tapping her arm. “Listen to your mother.” 

“All right, enough! All of you,” Natasha snaps, trying to regain control of the situation and her emotions. Her voice is tinged with disbelief at their sudden concern—as if they hadn’t abandoned her and Yelena to the Red Room once their mission was over.

“I didn’t say anything. That’s not fair,” Yelena quips, her tone laced with dry humor.

Rolling her eyes, Natasha tries again, “Here’s what’s going to happen—”

“I don’t want any food,” Yelena complains as Melina places a spoonful onto her plate.

“Eat a little something, Yelena, for God’s sake,” Melina urges, her voice slipping back into the role of a concerned mother.

The constant interruptions and forced familial interactions finally push Natasha over the edge, and her frustration boils over.

“Enough! Stop, just stop pretending to care. Our family was never real,” Natasha snaps, her voice rising. “Nothing about us is real!”

Yelena’s breath catches in her throat at Natasha’s declaration.

“Don’t say that.” Yelena’s frown deepens as she continues, “Please don’t say that. It was real. It was real to me.” 

Natasha falters at Yelena’s response, regret immediately washing over her. She hadn’t meant to hurt her sister, but with everything that’s happened in the past weeks, she could no longer control her anger and frustration.

Swallowing hard, Natasha stays silent, her hands clenching in her lap to keep from reaching out to comfort Yelena.

Yelena shakes her head in disbelief, hastily wiping away a stray tear. “The best part of my life was fake,” she exhales deeply, her voice trembling with emotion, “and none of you told me.”

She turns to Natasha, her voice filled with hurt and heavy with accusation. “And you…you got out. Dreykov made sure no one could escape after that. Aren’t you going to say anything?”

Natasha holds Yelena’s gaze for a long, tense moment, the silence between them charged with unspoken pain. Finally, Natasha flinches away, guilt preventing her from finding the right words.

Melina reaches out, placing a comforting hand on Yelena’s shoulder. But Yelena quickly brushes it off, standing abruptly and turning to leave.

“Yelena…” Natasha calls after her, her voice heavy with regret.

Yelena ignores her, slamming the door behind her as she storms out.

“Uh…I’ll go talk to her,” Alexei offers, standing up to follow.

Natasha’s gaze falls, her eyes glaring at the table as the weight of guilt presses down on her chest, almost suffocating her. She suddenly stands, pushing her chair back with a harsh scrape, and quickly leaves the table, heading for the bathroom.

Once inside, she splashes cold water on her face, hoping to wash away the turmoil churning inside her.

Staring at her reflection in the mirror, frustration is etched into every line of her face.

Why does it seem like the only thing she’s capable of is hurting those around her?

Natasha can’t even remember what made her believe that someone like her could have a different life—that she could change and be more than what she was trained to be.

Sighing deeply, Natasha leaves the bathroom and returns to the table, only to find that Melina has gone as well.

Unsurprised, Natasha finds herself alone once again. She closes her eyes, taking a few deep breaths to steady herself. As she does, she recalls how she used to cope with the pain of loneliness, slowly beginning to rebuild the walls around her heart.

But then, a small commotion outside catches her attention.

Moving cautiously, Natasha heads toward the front of the house to investigate. As she reaches the door, she freezes, hearing a familiar voice that stops her in her tracks.

“I’m not here to cause any trouble. I’m just looking for someone.”

Natasha’s brow furrows in recognition, but she quickly shakes her head, dismissing the thought. It can’t be possible.

“The next town is five miles that way,” Melina’s voice responds, cold and unwelcoming.

Curiosity gets the better of her, and Natasha peeks out the door, stepping outside cautiously. Her eyes widen in surprise when they meet yours.

“Nat…” you say softly, taking a hesitant step closer. But before you can move further, Melina raises the gun in her hand, her eyes filled with a clear warning.

“Wait,” Natasha calls out, rushing forward. She places her hand on Melina’s, gently but firmly lowering the weapon. “She’s not a threat.” 

“Well, that’s a little offensive,” you remark with a slight glare, crossing your arms. 

Natasha gives you a look, silently conveying that she didn’t mean it that way, then turns back to Melina.

“Could you give us a moment?” Natasha asks. 

Melina hesitates briefly, her protective gaze lingering on Natasha, but eventually nods. With a wary glance in your direction, she retreats back into the house.

Once alone, Natasha turns to you, her expression conflicted with a mix of curiosity and concern.

“How did you find me?” 

“I got worried after the message you sent me,” you explain, pulling out your phone and showing her the screen.

On it is a jumbled message: “I’m sorrywjhsgf”

Natasha grimaces, realizing her fingers must have accidentally pressed some buttons during the helicopter’s turbulent descent. She mentally kicks herself for the unintended message.

“I didn’t mean to send that.”

At her words, your face falls as understanding dawns on you, the light in your eyes dimming. 

“Oh,” you mutter quietly, glancing down as you fidget with your phone before tucking it away. You shuffle in place unsurely before turning away with a shake of your head. 

“I should just go,” you say, disappointment clear in your voice. 

Realizing the misunderstanding she’s caused, Natasha quickly reaches out, catching your arm and turning you back to face her, her words spilling out in a rush.

“Wait, that’s not what I meant,” Natasha blurts out, her voice urgent as she steps closer. “I wanted to say more than just sorry,” she clarifies, hoping you’ll understand.

You pause, your gaze lingering where her hand rests on your arm. Slowly, you pull away, and her hand drops back to her side.

At your distancing action, Natasha’s heart pounds painfully in her chest as she realizes how much she’s risked by not reaching out sooner and letting her fears and insecurities get in the way of what truly matters.

She braces herself for the inevitable. 

But instead of leaving, you surprise her by simply crossing your arms and waiting, a silent gesture that tells her you’re willing to listen.

Natasha exhales, only now realizing she’d been holding her breath. The familiar way you look at her, unchanged from before, causes the walls she’d been building to crumble.

Taking a deep breath, she begins to speak.

“You have every right to be angry with me,” she says, her voice tinged with guilt. Natasha hesitates, searching for the right words to express the turmoil inside her, still struggling to find herself amidst all the chaos.

“There’s so much more I need to say,” she continues, her voice softening, almost pleading. “But the problem is that I haven’t figured it all out yet. What I do know, though—” she pauses, her eyes locking onto yours, searching for any hint of hope, “—is that I don’t want you to leave.”

When she finishes, your expression remains unreadable.

Natasha bites her lip, anxiety twisting in her stomach as she watches you contemplate her words. Being this vulnerable is unfamiliar territory for her, and it terrifies her more than she’s willing to admit. 

“Please don’t go,” she whispers, a final, desperate plea, hoping it’s enough to convey the depth of her true feelings.

You look up at the sky, exhaling softly as if weighing your options.

When your gaze finally meets hers again, a small, playful smile tugs at the corners of your lips. You gesture toward the house, the tension easing as a lighter tone returns to your voice.

“New friends?” you ask, the warmth in your tone bringing a small smile to Natasha’s face.

Natasha chuckles lightly, the pressure in her chest easing at your familiar banter.

“More like an old, broken family.”

You hum thoughtfully, your teasing grin softening into a more sympathetic expression.

“So, not much different,” you remark, referencing the fractured state of the Avengers.

Natasha sighs sadly, her smile fading at the reminder of her situation.

“What should I do?” she asks, her voice tinged with the uncertainty she’s been trying so hard to conceal. 

It feels as though no matter what she does, nothing ever changes. She pretends to have all the answers, but deep down, she knows the truth is far from that.

“Whatever you feel is right,” you respond without hesitation, your confidence in her unwavering.

Natasha scoffs softly, a flicker of disbelief crossing her features as she hesitates. Her eyes meet yours, searching for reassurance.

“And what makes you so sure I’ll make the right choice?” she asks, her voice revealing the doubt that lingers deep within her.

You take a moment to consider your response before stepping closer, gently cupping her face in your hands.

“Because after everything you’ve been through, you’ve still kept your heart,” you say with quiet conviction, your thumb gently brushing her cheek as you lean your forehead against hers.

“That’s how I know you’ll figure this out, too,” you add, your voice filled with certainty.

Your words settle over Natasha, bringing a sense of calm to her chaotic thoughts. For the first time in a long while, she feels a glimmer of hope—hope that maybe, just maybe, she can find her way through this mess and everything else, too.

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

Avenger Compound, Upstate New York – 2018

Natasha sits on the edge of the bed in her old room at the Avengers Compound, watching you as you methodically strap on your gear and check your weapons.

The room is dimly lit, shadows playing along the walls, and the tension from the past few hours hangs heavily in the air.

Her leg bounces with nervous energy, worry gnawing at her. She presses her palms together, fidgeting with her fingers, before dropping her gaze to the floor and releasing a soft, scared sigh.

But the fear isn’t for herself. 

“You can still go, you know,” Natasha mutters softly, her voice barely breaking the silence. 

You hum in acknowledgment, not pausing in your preparation, the sound of buckles and straps filling the room. 

“Do you want me to?” you ask over your shoulder, your tone casual, almost too casual for the weight of the question.

Natasha huffs, recognizing your familiar deflection, and shakes her head. 

With Bruce’s dire warning about the impending battle with Thanos and his army still echoing in her mind, she can’t help the fear that tightens her chest as she looks at the person who has chosen to stand by her side, time and time again. 

“I want you safe,” Natasha admits, her voice trembling with the honesty of her words. 

“Good, I feel the same about you,” you reply, turning to face her, your expression softening as you take in the sight of her.

“I’m serious. This isn’t like anything we’ve faced before,” Natasha warns, her eyes pleading with yours to understand. 

“Which means you’ll need all the help you can get,” you say, stepping closer until you’re standing right in front of her.

Natasha twists her lips, frustrated by the truth in your words. She looks away, trying to hide the turmoil in her eyes. 

But you won’t let her retreat. 

You gently catch her chin with your finger, guiding her face back to yours as you lean down to press a soft, lingering kiss against her lips.

Natasha’s eyes flutter shut as she returns the kiss, her hand instinctively finding the back of your neck, pulling you closer as if she can anchor herself in the warmth of your touch.

When you finally pull away, Natasha bites her lip lightly, trying to hold onto the warmth for just a moment longer.

You rest your forehead against hers, and she finally opens her eyes, meeting yours with a rare vulnerability she shows only to you.

“Are you scared?” you ask softly, your voice laced with the same fear gnawing at her. 

Natasha’s eyes roam across your face, memorizing every detail as if it might be the last time she sees you.

“Terrified,” she admits, her voice raw with emotion.

“Me too,” you say, a small, reassuring smile tugging at your lips as your thumb gently caresses her cheek. 

“Are you going to leave?” you ask, even though Natasha’s sure you already know the answer. 

The Avengers are her family. Imperfect and flawed, but they always strive to make the world a safer place—to do what’s right. She would never abandon them when they need her most.

“No,” she responds, her voice filled with determined resolve. 

You smile knowingly at her response, your gaze drifting around the room as a look of nostalgia washes over you. 

The soft, wistful look in your eyes tells Natasha that you’re recalling the memories of all the times the two of you spent together in this space. 

When you meet Natasha’s gaze again, a playful smile tugs at your lips.

“Do you still love me?” you ask teasingly.

Natasha huffs in mock offense, the corner of her lips twitching into a half-smile. You can’t help but chuckle at her reaction, raising a brow in amusement.

“Well?” you whisper, your voice low as you lean in closer, your breath warm against her skin, your hands resting gently on her shoulders.

Instead of answering, Natasha wraps her arms around your waist, pulling you in until you’re straddling her, your knees pressing into the bed on either side of her. 

The bed dips slightly under your combined weight, and Natasha holds you close, her hands firm yet gentle on your waist.

“I love you,” Natasha breathes out, her voice barely above a whisper. “And I don’t want to lose you.” 

You cup her face in your hands, your eyes filled with love and adoration as you give her a reassuring smile. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” you reaffirm, your voice steady and full of the certainty she needs to hear. 

You lower yourself onto her, gently guiding her down to lie back against the bed, your lips meeting hers in a tender kiss. 

You had said it with such conviction that Natasha can’t help but believe you, just as she always has. 

But how could she have known that after this battle, for the first time ever, it wouldn’t be true?

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

Vomir – 2023

They say that when someone is about to die, their life flashes before their eyes—a rapid montage of memories, achievements, failures, regrets, and the relationships that mattered most.

For Natasha, the idea of her life flashing before her eyes seems almost laughable. Her early years are a blur of pain, manipulation, and control—years she would rather forget than relive.

The truth is, her real life didn’t begin until much later.

If Natasha had to pinpoint the exact moment, it would be when she found herself face-to-face with the sharp point of an arrow—the moment she met the first person to see something in her worth saving when she had seen nothing in herself.

That was the moment she was given the chance to truly live.

Her mind floods with memories of the life she built after that fateful encounter—a life she had never imagined for herself, filled with friends, laughter, and moments of unexpected warmth.

She remembers the first time she allowed herself to trust again, to let people in despite the walls she had built around her heart. 

With all their quirks and flaws, the Avengers became the family she never knew she needed. They challenged her, frustrated her, and made her feel alive in ways she had never thought possible.

But it wasn’t always easy. Natasha recalls the arguments, the disagreements, and the moments when it seemed like they were tearing apart at the seams. 

However, no matter how far they drifted, they always found their way back to each other.

She learned to fight for them, to fight for herself, and to fight for something greater than her past.

And then there were those who reached out from her previous life, some seeking assistance, some seeking redemption. Even then, Natasha chose to rebuild those broken bonds of the past.

Yet, among all these memories, one person stands out more than any other. 

That person was there at every pivotal moment in her life—whether she was on the verge of giving up or standing tall in the face of adversity. Through the highs and lows, they were her constant, the one who saw her for who she truly was and loved her all the more for it.

In her final moments, Natasha’s mind doesn’t dwell on her victories or her failures.

Instead, she sees your face, the one constant in her life that brought her peace and happiness. 

Natasha remembers the way you looked at her, with eyes that held no judgment, only love. She recalls the way your touch calmed her, the way your presence made her feel safe in a world that had always been hostile.

As she falls, Natasha realizes that this connection is what matters most. It’s not the battles or the missions that define her, but the love she found in the most unexpected place. 

And as the darkness closes in, the last thing she sees is you, a symbol of everything she has fought for and everything she has come to cherish.

Her final breath is taken not in fear but in peace, knowing that she lived a life worth remembering—a life filled with love, friendship, and purpose.

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

Cemetery, Ohio — 2023

“If you passed away, who would sit at your grave the longest?”

Natasha had asked you that question once. 

At the time, you couldn’t come up with a definite answer, so you had turned the question back to her. 

You remember the way her lips curved into a small, wistful smile as she considered it, her eyes reflecting a depth of sadness you had only glimpsed before. 

“I don’t know,” she had replied, her voice soft but honest, as if she had long accepted that was her inevitable fate.

Natasha could not come up with an answer then, but you did.

“Who would sit at her grave the longest?”

You didn’t need any time to think about the answer. Many people could rightfully fill that role. 

To Melina and Alexei, she was their beloved daughter, the one who had been torn from them too soon, only to return with a strength and resolve that made them proud. 

To Yelena, she was her cherished sister—a mentor, a protector, the person who had sacrificed so much to ensure Yelena had a chance at a real life, free from the chains of the Red Room. 

To the Avengers, she was a valued teammate and friend, the glue that held them together through the darkest times. She was their moral compass, the one who always found a way to do what was right, even when the cost was high. 

To the world, she was a hero, a symbol of resilience and redemption. The Black Widow, who had fought for a better future, leaving a legacy that would inspire generations to come.

To you…she was everything.

Your fingers trace the delicate grooves of her engraved name, feeling the weight of every memory, every moment you had shared. 

You stood by her side through nearly all of it—the battles, the victories, the losses. You had seen her at her best and at her worst, through moments of triumph and times of doubt. 

You loved her fiercely, from strangers to friends to something so much more.

She was the woman who had shown you the strength of vulnerability, the power of redemption, and the courage to love despite the risks.

In the end, you were right about all those who would come to see her, to pay their respects to the woman who had become an important part of their lives. 

But they would all eventually leave, returning to their own lives, their own battles. They would remember her, yes, but they would move on.

But not you.

“So, who would sit at Natasha’s grave the longest?”

That answer was clear.

“You would. Now and forever.” 

~~~~~~~ ⧗ ~~~~~~~

a/n: this one was really long so if you made it to the end in one go, kudos for you and thank you for taking the time to read it!

[simping-overload]

Hello! I was just wondering if you could write some angst!!

I was wondering if you could write a ghost x male reader where reader gets seriously injured to the point where it scares the shit out of ghost and ghost lectures him but ends up crying as he's lecturing the reader? 👀

a/n: hurt/comfort my love tags: canon typical violence, gore(??ppl get stabbed and someone gets their throat sliced open) no use of y/n, male reader, injured reader, prob occ ghost??? ghost cries, everyone cries. angst, hurt/comfort

ヾthis is a multi-fandom blog that is designed for mlm/nbmlm identifying readers! so if you're female or fem please do not follow or interact with my mlm/nbmlm related post!! you will be blocked if you do not heed this warning ゛

You were a sniper. You weren’t supposed to get too close to the fight. All you had to do was hang back and try to offer support, but by the gods do you never listen.

The situation got tight, Gaz and Soap trapped in a room by enemy fire. Captain Price and Ghost were clearing out another building.

You being the oh so self-sacrificing bastard you are ran to help. You went the back way, so the enemies’ backs would face you, unaware of your approach.

You quickly and efficiently took them out, just as you were trained, but—you missed one. A heavy hitter, a fucking Juggernaut.

He didn’t bother reloading his gun, throwing it to the side before he started swinging. The first few swings caught you off guard, and he got you right in the nose, breaking it. This throws you off balance, which gives him the opportunity to throw you against the concrete wall.

You rolled to the side before he could kick your ribs in, quickly standing up on your feet, slightly dazed. You pull out your knife, the one you were gifted to Simon, as using a gun in close combat would be useless.

You circled each other, waiting for the other to strike first. Vaguely out of the corner of your eye, you can see Soap carry Gaz out of the building. You feel a slight relief that now they’re safe.

Your way of winning this fight was to take it nice and slow, bait him into moving so he wears out easier due to all that heavy gear.

You move forward like you’re going to swing, which causes him to charge forward. You sidestep. His armor barley grazes yours.

“Oh? Is That all you got?” You mock, tapping your foot like an impatient child. You’ve played this game before.

He huffed like a big bad wolf, “I’ll fucking kill you,” He growls out.

Charing at you again, he actually gets you. He grabs onto the side of your armor and pulls you on him, securing his arms around your body before throwing you onto the ground with him.

You can feel something crack as your head fits the floor, that doesn’t stop you from squirming and wriggling in his grasp. You use your knife, plunging it into the nearest flesh you can find.

It didn’t go far, but it did make him shout in pain. For just a moment, his grip loosens, you throw yourself out of his hold, trying to dash away to create distance.

He recovered quickly, grabbing onto your ankle. He forced you to trip. Landing face first, you couldn’t stop him from dragging you back to him. He gets on top of you, pinning your arms down with his knees as he starts punching you again.

You black out, head and mouth bleeding. The man cackles, throwing you up against the wall with a cackle. He holds you up, forearm pressed against your through as your feet dangle helplessly in the air.

Your eyes shoot open at your sudden lack of air, you kick at him weakly. Shaking hands, reach for your knife, ripping it out of his thigh. You can’t use it before he rips the blade out of your head and stabs your stomach multiple times.

High off of adrenaline, you grab a smaller knife from your shoulder strap, one that was covered in a fast acting poison to render your opponents immobile. You did the knife under his helmet; the knife meeting his now exposed throat and you slice.

The man immediately drops you, leaving the knife in your stomach as he stumbles back, holding his neck. He slides down against the wall as his body gives up on him.

You raise a shaky hand to your walkie, “Captain-L.T. I need a medic asap. I can’t stay awake for much longer.” You can feel your eyelids get heavy.

“Stay awake, soldier. I’m on my way.” Simon’s gruff voice was the last thing you heard before your eyes seemed to shut for what may be the last time.

You float in and out of consciousness, eyes cracking over just barley as you feel familiar arms pick you up and run to the evac. On the helicopter, his gloved hands holding your face with such gentleness.

The last thing you remembered was being jabbed with one too many needles before passing out completely.

You felt like shit. Your head was pounding, and the rest of your body felt like it was on fire. You crack your eyes open, wincing at the blinding lights of the medical ward.

Your eyes scan the room. There isn’t anyone here. Aside from whoever is sleeping next to you. You turn your head slightly, recognizing the familiar build of the love of your life, Simon.

“Simon.” You try, voice dry and horse.

His head automatically shoots up at the call of his name. His eyes lock with yours. You can see the internal strife within them debating over what he wants to say.

“You’re an idiot.” The insult doesn’t make you wince, as it’s true.

“I know—.”

“No, I don’t think you do. You rush in blind, without a care in the world. You could’ve been killed, and you nearly were.” Simon takes your hand in his.

“I was only trying to help Si... I couldn’t do shit from the bird’s nest.” You interlock your fingers and squeeze his hand.

“What help are you if you ended up dead?” His shoulders drop. “I don’t know what I would’ve done with myself if you did.���

You can feel tears prick at the corner of your eyes, “Simon... let me see you.” You nudged the edge of the mask with your free hand.

Simon slips off the mask, his eyes are bloodshot-a result of hours of crying. You cup his face with a shaky hand. “But I am here now, that is what matters, yeah?”

He leans into your palm, tears streaming down his cheeks. You sigh, pulling him towards you. Pressing your forehead against yours, he sighs against you.

“I’ll make sure to be safer next time, okay?”

“Okay.”

[h-worksrambles]

Ok, so Episode Aigis dropped, they changed some dialogue and now people are pissed and saying P3 Reload ruined The Answer.

If you want my TLDR, Atlus’ changes (both writing and mechanical) for the DLC are overall small, some good some bad, but they’re ultimately band aids that fail to address the much wider flaws of The Answer as a story.

I think there’s a genuine intent to try and better get across the character’s motivations. And for some characters it works well. I think the new dialogue for Mitsuru is a genuine improvement. I’ve seen some criticise it for focusing more on Mituru’s thoughts towards the protagonist then her (rather queer coded) loyalty to Yukari. But as much as I love my SEES lesbians, I genuinely think giving Mitsuru multiple reasons to side with Yukari rather than just blind loyalty, is much more in character for her than FES’ approach (where she comes across uncharacteristically stupid). But I think by only changing minutia like this it just ends up highlighting the bigger problem.

A lot of people hyper focus on Yukari’s role and talk about how irrational she is here. And now you’ve got people complaining that Reload softens and sanitises her character and makes her storyline weaker. But I feel it’s a case of identifying something doesn’t work but being incorrect as to why.

The thing about the SEES group fight is that it’s fundamentally a really poorly done conflict. It sucked in FES and it sucks here too. There’s not enough meaningful disagreement between the group to make it feel earned. The only one acting out and taking the MC’s death badly, is Yukari. When really if this is the climax they wanted to build to, everyone should have been grieving badly and constantly at each other’s throats. It could have been this building frustration and animosity, until they’re all at odds over what to do with the key and a fight breaks out.

What we get is everyone…mostly being pretty chill, aside from Yukari being kind of petty and jealous at Aigis. And I think the reason people react badly to her (misogyny notwithstanding) is that it’s really weird when she’s the only one having this extreme reaction. Instead of everyone dealing with the MCs death in their own distinct way, it’s only explored with Aigis and Yukari and only somewhat. Hell if you didn’t have such a jarring disconnect, and there was a better variety of reactions and thoughts from across the cast, I think more people would praise Yukari’s writing here. As it stands, when everyone else is almost ridiculously reasonable, it looks very jarring.

And then when the group do fight it feels completely out of nowhere precisely because of how agreeable everyone’s been. Everyone willingly jumps into a pointless fight that could get them all killed, one that only one member of the group even wants. All for a very contrived plot point that was set up five minutes ago. It’s executed in such a sloppy way that it makes the genuinely good scene of Yukari’s breakdown ring hollow. You get the sense that the writers weren’t really interested in exploring Yukari’s grief beyond using it as a plot device to make a dumb, unnecessary punch up scene happen.

I can see what they’re trying to do in Reload. They wanted to make Yukari stick out like less of a sore thumb compared to the rest of the group. But if they were gonna do that, they kinda needed to dial everyone else up, not dial her down. Build the tension between the party further rather than decrease it. Because now, if Yukari, and by extension the rest of the party are way more reasonable, it just begs the question even more of ‘they why are you fighting in the first place?’ It’s slapping on a band aid in a way that just exposes the whole scenario’s weaknesses

I genuinely think Episode Aigis needed to either keep the Answer entirely as is, or overhaul it completely. Making little changes like this won’t win over people who hated The Answer the first time, and will just annoy people who liked it as is. As it stands, The Answer is still a mess of good ideas mired by poor execution and Reload’s take only makes a handful of small changes that are ultimately different, not better.

[blorboindulgence]

Noclip lore dump + wip

Ok, so none of the art is done yet but since I'm doing multiple pages, it's going to take a lot longer than a few days for me to finish probably. Therefore, I'm posting the lore dump (kinda long) now + some page wips.

I need to double check if kaede's pin was the treble clef or not later but for now this are the wips. Now onto the notes from windows notepad :3

Noclip - loosely in order

set after chapter 4's first events. starts at first free time.

by chance, kokichi drops the card key after he leaves the dining hall. shuichi picks it up and looks around the school to see where it could go.

Shuichi decides to investigate the fountain area to look for a possible use there, considering the elevator is connected to it. Maybe the card key could take them to another hypothetical floor if he can figure out how to open the elevator.

Shuichi spots a missing-textured dead monocub arm underwater clipping in the wedge of the fountain.

How it got there: The monocub arm was projectiled at high velocity from the chapter 2 execution and got stuck in the machinery for the elevator. It clipped through when the trial world got unloaded and the dome got reloaded in. In a half in and out state, the arm stayed in the elevator's machinery until the fountain moved again for chapter 3's trial, where it got caught in the fountain's machinery and starts to clip through violently. After everyone returns from chapter 3's trial and the fountain goes back in place is when the arm clips into the wedge of the fountain.

Shuichi reaches out to touch it and his hand phases through the monocub arm. The game's internal logic freaks out with shuichi being semi in water, semi overworld, and semi in a broken object. He clips through the fountain and into the void underneath.

the monopad (shuichi's gps basically), the card key, and kaede's hair pin (he carries in his breast pocket) are left behind. the monocub arm is lost in the void because shuichi can't see it anymore (it is also black silhouette like shuchi)

kokichi realizes he dropped the card key, backtracks but can't find it, and realizes someone must have taken it.

kokichi looks for shuichi using the map (monopad locations) with the intent to see if he nabbed it and also to just mess with him for fun.

kokichi finds shuichi's monopad, card key and the hair pin in the fountain. The monopad is cracked (the glitch used enough force to break the almost indestructible monopad). this leads kokichi to think "shit- this is ba"

Back to shuichi, after shuichi had fallen through the fountain, he wonders if he died from falling against the fountain. Did he slip and hit his head against the fountain, black out, and then drowned in the fountain? what a emberassing way to die. He must have died because he can barely feel anything and he sees nothing but pitch black (he is facing downards so he only sees the void).

kokichi calls out for shuichi which prompts shuichi to turn around.

shuichi looks around from under the fontain and sees the underground of the school and gets stuck in thought "huh- wuh- uh??" and then "this world is fake, what is real, am i real"

Shuichi snaps out of it when kokichi calls for him again, he tries and fails to get kokichi's attention. desperate building horror moment for shuichi. He tries to yell out but he can't even hear is own voice. He moves up towards the ground but can't phase back through, he can only touch the underneath of the ground. uneasy moment for kokichi seeing shuichi's stuff but no shuichi. Not only did he have (and left behind) the motive item, but if anyone were to sway the trial to their favor as a murderer, it would be Shuichi. And if he's not a murderer, he is the ideal victim for a murderer to get rid of as he is the key detective who leads the trials after all.

shuichi recalls what kokichi said about everything going against common sense in the killing game. He wonders if kokichi knows if everything's a simulation. sidenote: After watching a speedrun on 2x speed I assume that kokichi believes the world has ended (while in chapter 4) but I'm not too clear on that.

somepoint shuichi gives up trying to get kokichi's attention for a while. He never got to investigate outside the wall and now may be the only chance.

shuichi walks to the buildings surrounding the dome and sees they're just boxes with nothing inside, they're actually smaller and closer than what he assumed them to be (video game set design technique). from there, he sees that the sky box looks closer/lower resolution, which means there's a reachable endpoint to the world. he gets to the wall of the skybox and phases through to see team danganronpa printed on the backside and things get very glitchy outside it and gives him a headache. (he distorts if he gets too far)

note: any mention of "walk" in the void really means floating, which can be as fast as a sprint

shuichi sits there a while before deciding his friends deserve to know the truth, because kaede would be upset with him if he let the killing game continue on.

his friends are real to him and that's what matters.

shuichi investigates the school from inside the walls and someone (not kokichi, ideally kaito for best comedic impact) spots his silhoutte through a window reflection and starts a ghost rumor. Shuichi tries to call out for his dead classmates just in case they became "spectators" too. They didn't- and he's all alone.

shuichi finds the mastermind's hidden room connected to the girls bathroom. sees evidence from afar but cannot interact with it, such as rantaro's survival perk. this can happen before or after the kokichi teamup because there is a lot of visual clutter with the many floor levels in the school building that could prevent him from noticing at a glance.

shuichi doesn't show up for dinner, which is when people start worrying about his whereabouts. himiko saw him walk to the fountain that morning. kokichi claims in an annoying way to have seen shuichi, but people don't really believe him, not that he wants them to. People genuinely start looking for him after kaito and maki find his dorm to be shuichi-less.

shuichi after returning from the end of the map, he sees people searching for him, he tries and fails to get their attention. Big sad moment for him. "I'm right here! I'm right here! Please… I'm right here… I'm here…"

shuichi ends up following kokichi that night because he's suspicious of him. He listens in on monokuma and kokichi's neoworld plan.

kokichi starts getting paranoid on his way back to his dorm because he keeps feeling like someone is watching him and he catches glimpses of shuichi's reflection silhoutte. "that ghost rumor is stupid, there's no way that could happen…" <- man who is nervous

shuichi realizes that kokichi is somehow noticing him (takes him a second to realize he's picking up in reflections) and desperately tries to stop him. he follows kokichi back to his dorm and moves to be in the wall opposite the bathroom mirror. this unintionally jumpscares kokichi to yell, which also startles shuichi back.

shuichi's hearing of kokichi is muffled but kokichi can't hear shuichi at all. lots of nods and shaking heads until the suggestion of using sign language. kokichi absolutely makes a peaking tom/stalker joke at shuichi's expense because he's stressed out about how much shuichi could possibly knows about his plan.

I don't have a good grasp on character writing/dialogue to really plot further from here on what they would do or say (please understand I am disabled in this lane of writing, it has made papers hell to write and roleplaying near impossible). However, I suspect kokichi would try to rope shuichi into whatever plan he comes up with, to shuichi's dismay.

shuichi knows basics of JSL (a few simple signs such as "what?" "where?" "why?" "yes" "no" and spelling out hirigana) because in the past he wanted avoid taking a language class where he would have to talk. All of DICE knows JSL to make their shenanigans easier. Extra: K1-B0 would know JSL because he's programed for it.

communicating would still be a slow process as shuichi has become rusty at what he does remember for JSL and it can be hard at times to make out what a silhoutte is signing.

kokichi would probably start carrying a hand mirror to talk to shuichi. Maybe even convince miu to make a mirrored lens of some sort later on.

Shuichi really hates when kokichi ignores him or closes the handmirror. it makes him feel alone, helpless, and invisible. wow another shuichi au with attachment issues who would have thought.

probable ending:

killing game ends by critical error prompted by shuichi breaking game physics delibaretly. this boots everyone out of the simulation. After that? idk.

Assorted Notes:

if shuichi were to break back into the overworld, he'd have the missing texture checkered all over him. texture in chowder pattern style, not UV wrapping style. a confusing eye sore basically.

He'd have to be game logic-ed in through miu's genius ideas. which would be simple logically but technically difficult to pull off. Melt an iceblock to the ground and then freeze it (solid object connected to floor connected to void, similar to how the walls work), have shuichi move into the ice, and then melt the ice with him inside. He'd glitch out like stretched model ragdoll style before falling onto the floor.

there would be a big fuss over him re-entering the game, especielly in such a broken state. The bears threaten him, his classmates say he broke none of the rules bring up that "With minimal restrictions, you are free to explore the campus at your discretion." While he technically didn't break THIS rule, he broke another rule. "Your Monopads are very important items. Please do not damage them." As mentioned near the start of the notes, shuichi cracked his monopad when he fell through the fountain.

Only some physics are turned on for his model once in overworld, he can't float around anymore, but he can't eat or feel hunger still. He can talk now, but it sounds unnatural, like heard directly into your ears with only volumne being changed with distance, no natural muffle sounds. He can't be killed in this state, but he can be tortured for sure.

if mobile solid objects touch him, his model distorts sharply around it, it's painful but does not harm him. He can't push or pull anything, his model just distorts when he tries to. If someone where to touch shuichi, such as holding his hand or placing a hand on his sohulder, their nerves will go static numb for a little while and it would still be painful for shuichi.

Pain Note: shuichi's pain would be electric nerve pain. If his model glitches in spikes he would NOT feel like his muscles and bones have been broken to be in that position, it would just be nerve pain before it settles back down. A light touch would be a light zap, like poking someone with static electricity. A full shove, which would heavily distort his model but not knock him over because janky physics, would be incredibly painful. He would need time to recover. (touch starvation yippie)

shuichi in the void(tm): solid black silhoutte only visible to the audience when he stands in front of something (or white outline that technically doesn't exist that's just so audience can see where he is), he cant produce any noises, no hunger or tiredness or sensations, no warmth or cold, cannot fall sleep to pass time, still has emotions but without most physical reactions (example: can feel sad but cannot cry. He can still use body language to express emotions). His floating is controlled by him fully, it's almost exactly like moving in spectator mode in minecraft. Trying to reach back to the other side of solid objects would be like trying to push your hand through solid concerete.

void reflection render note: Shuichi has to be in relatively close range to a reflective surface for it to show him. His silhoutte always cuts in front of any object, even people. Example: he is 10 feet away from a mirror and between a wall while someone else is 5 feet away from the mirror in front of him and the wall. Shuichi's silhoutte would still show up in front of the person as if someone drew on the mirror. because this is a simulation and not real life with real physics, regular glasses do not reveal shuichi, it's a seperate mechanic from lighting. this rule can be overwritten in the au if tsumugi actually does see shuichi the entire time but decided to mess with him by pretending to not see him while everyone else doesn't realize that glasses could possibly reveal shuichi. (this totally isn't because I realized much later on that glasses would allow her to see him. no way.)

tsumugi when shuichi is actually nowhere to be found on the cameras (virtual cameras like in blender, not real physical objects with lenses to reflect): "where tf did he go!?! hello?????"

shuichi back in overworld: can talk but he sounds strange. He has no footsteps or other sound effects though, they'd put a bell on him if didn't make him distort. He cannot touch objects without distortion execpt for unmovable solids such as floors or walls.the lighting only effects how bright his checker texture is, he has no discernable features other than his silhoutte. looking at him is like looking at a cutout in space.

end of notes

anyone is free to write for this or make art for this if they want to. Just don't copy my drawings please, they're still my works in progress.

@lunarleonardo look it's the lore dump!!

[the-northern-continent]

Seeing some people worried about party balance with only 2 companions. Now, I’m no expert at Dragon Age combat, but I have done a couple Nightmare runs with some extremely cursed party comps (3 rogues + ranged mage, oops all glass cannons, solo daggers, etc.).

So I thought I’d put together a quick guide on how I balance out a “weird” party. Hopefully this will open up more options for your own parties, whether in Veilguard or in the previous games!

Basic theory

To win an encounter, we need to make our enemies die faster than us. So we want to speed up the damage we do to them, while slowing down the damage they do to us.

By that metric, some abilities are less helpful than we’d expect. For example, healing. We’re reducing the damage done to us, but we’re also using up time, resources, and skill points that could have done damage to them. We’re slowing down the fight for everyone; we may not be shifting the balance in our favor.

On the flip side, there’s a big difference between killing an enemy and ALMOST killing an enemy. If we load up on huge area attacks, we’re getting great damage efficiency, but it’s spread over many foes. Ten enemies at 1hp deal twice as much damage as five enemies at full health. There is no partial credit. Until an enemy actually reaches zero, they’re just as dangerous as they were at full health. We’re speeding up the fight for everyone, doing more total damage while our foes continue to hit us at full strength.

Key roles

If we want to actually widen the gap between our damage and the enemies’ damage, we need crowd control and spike damage.

In a classic tank/healer/dps party, the primary crowd control is the warrior’s taunt. But it could also be their knockdowns and stuns. It could be a mage’s freeze, paralysis, or pull of the abyss. It could be a rogue sending people to sleep or scattering caltrops to slow them down. Anything that clusters, slows, or stops our enemies, setting them up for more damage from us while also making it harder for them to hit back.

Meanwhile, spike damage fills in any gaps in our crowd control. A faraway archer or mage might not rely on movement, and bosses may be immune to many/all forms of CC. These enemies need to be spiked down while the rest of their allies are locked in CC. A rogue is the traditional choice for this, but mages can stock up on single- or limited-target spells, and warriors can also be specced into more focused abilities. Damage buffs like horn of valor, haste, or mark of death also help here. We get less total damage than we would with big AoEs, but the earlier we can drop someone, the faster we strip away their damage + their own attempts to CC us. For some bosses, killing them may also skip to the end of the fight.

Once we have these two roles covered, we can pad out the rest of our slots with multi-target damage. This can also be handled by any class, whether it’s a mage dropping fireballs, a spinning warrior, or a rogue blanketing the battlefield with arrows. With these abilities, we first target any large groups we can’t crowd control, then work our way down to clean up the rest of the battlefield.

To really underline this: all of these roles can be filled by any class. When building a party, don’t pay attention to classes, pay attention to roles. Are we getting enough crowd control, spike damage, and damage efficiency? Veilguard provides some additional help here: the skill trees have labels showing which areas of the tree deal with control, burst, and sustain.

Troubleshooting

Dying at the beginning of the fight. This is almost always a crowd control issue. We need to take several enemies off the field right away. Unless they’re very squishy, killing them would be too slow. We may also be triggering multiple encounters at once. On the next reload, slow down and don’t go as far into the new area. Maybe even retreat back through a door or behind a wall to get some free crowd control. If enemies can’t easily reach us, they’ll naturally clump together in the bottleneck.

Dying midway through the fight. We need more spike damage. Prioritize enemies who are not crowd controlled — we don’t want to waste our time spiking down enemies that are already “dead”. We may also be missing the trick to this encounter. See if there are any environmental features or interactive items we missed the first time around.

Dying near the end of the fight. First, rule out issues in earlier phases of the fight. Focusing on the long game can be a self-fulfilling prophecy — if we take too many longer-term abilities, we may be sacrificing our chance to end the fight early. When we’re sure we have enough crowd control and spike damage, we can start to worry about overall damage efficiency. Stack on some damage buffs and/or combo detonations to squeeze even more efficiency out of each AoE. ⚔️

[crescentfool]

i've been doing a bunch of tartarus runs in reload lately, and it got me thinking about how i miss certain ways FES's clunky gameplay can characterize minato… (ramble about the great clock mechanic + leveling up party members in reload vs fes under the cut)

when i got to yabbashah block in tartarus (block 3), i remember commending the developers for adding the great clock mechanic. it's a much more convenient way to keep party members at the protagonist's level- so when you think about p3 from the perspective of trying to make it easier for people to play, the mechanic succeeds in this respect.

but now that i'm in adamah block, and that i've done lots of my once-a-month tartarus runs… i think that i got a little too dependent on it, and the way that i played through reload feels like a vastly different experience from how i played FES.

in reload, my party's levels are very lopsided. minato, yukari, akihiko, mitsuru, and fuuka are all level 90+, meanwhile junpei and aigis are at level 79, and then… poor ken and koromaru are at 71 and 64 respectively. (i never got to have a great clock for them…)

meanwhile, in FES, my party's levels were much more evenly distributed and were at least level 90. i did all of this manually for every monthly tartarus run because i enjoyed having options available for the taratarus guardians and monthly operations.

with how i perceive minato, i feel that the way i played FES feels more in-line with his character than me dawdling around waiting for the great clocks in reload.

FES's gameplay loop left me with the very strong impression that minato has to work twice as hard as everyone else in SEES does. it makes sense because, yeah, he's the leader, but something about having minato run through tartarus multiple times with different groups of people just to make sure that they are adequately prepared speaks volumes about his character, to me.

and while the tired mechanic is present in reload to some degree, most notably with allowing you to freely raise your courage stat when you visit edogawa after school… the tiredness system doesn't hit the same way that FES does, i think.

the way your party members in FES will call it quits when they return to the entrance floor at tartarus when they're tired, versus minato, in spite of all his tiredness and sickness, still pushes through tartarus because it's his responsibility…. idk!!! i miss that! i feel like this really hammers home the difference between minato and the rest of SEES, how minato doesn't really see himself as a human with needs worth respecting as long as he's useful to someone.

i don't think that tartarus being tedious (in FES especially) is not what most people would describe as fun, and i can respect people thinking it's a slog. but, regardless of how it feels to play, it doesn't change that FES's gameplay loop is a fundamental building block in how i perceive minato…

of course, i do recognize that you can just opt to NOT use the great clock in reload (and it's great when players are offered the choice to not partake in mechanics)! i definitely think that if someone really wanted to, they could manually level up party members, but i do feel that kind of playstyle isn't necessarily "incentivized" to the type of people who are into playing games for Having a Good Time. it's kind of like… "why would you do that when there's a much more convenient option available to you."

in any case! despite my woes, i do want to emphasize that i'm glad that reload has a much more smoother gameplay loop than the original P3 did, because it does make the game more accessible to people. having played both FES and reload, it feels very strongly apparent to me how the core gameplay formula of persona has really been refined in the past 18 years (to think og p3 was 2006 and reload is 2024.. time flies!). and reload has made revisiting a story that i love so dearly much, much easier because the gameplay just bops!

at the same time, due to my "i miss characterization informed by weird and dated FES gameplay quirks" woes, i still think that playing FES is worthwhile. (really, i feel this way about all iterations of p3! i think it's worthwhile to see what each version and side media has to say even if it doesn't Land™ for you.) but i also understand why people wouldn't want to play it, so i will keep writing posts about things i liked from FES's gameplay because i'm still very fond of FES (especially in respects to minato. these mechanics are so telling about him!!!) 💪

[tactical-mode]

After a rushed release, I took my time re-editing and reshooting and am now happy with the final product. Lesson learned. Perfectionism is the enemy of putting a product out, but I can afford to take the time to be proud of it.

Between where we left Cloud last time and where we find him in this opening shot, I actually filmed multiple scenes using Remake that took us into the station house, through a combat, up the stairs, and back out onto the street. These scenes were cut because they weren’t in the OG, it’s as simple as that. The 76 shots and ~15 minutes of good footage are waiting on the ancillary hard drive to be used in a music video or something.

[Chapter 01] Scene 10:  Meeting AVALANCHE

(see my post from Episode 1 to read about why I enumerate scenes this way)

This is the first major overhaul to a scene from 7R, and I cut a lot, refilmed, and moved shots around much more than folks might notice, and I had to manipulate a lot to make it seem like Biggs is interacting with Cloud, which he doesn’t actually do in the Remake scene.

The character’s mouth animations surprised me by how well they could be interpreted to be saying the PS1 lines, especially:

Jessie: “--s, this, uh, what was his name again?”

Jessie: “SOLDIER? Aren’t they the enemy?”

Biggs: “He’s a professional, unlike the rest of us.”

Biggs: “He quit them, and now he’s one of us.”

For the dialogue in this scene I blended PS1 and EC. Forever shout out to Yinza for preserving the PS1 script.

(remember to turn on closed-captioning for the dialogue!)

Scene 11:  Opening the Gate

There’s some stage blocking here and another instance where I decide to go with Remake and/or EC’s dialogue over OG. In OG, Barret tells them to split up (they don’t), the player is given the option to rename him, he tells Cloud that he doesn’t trust him, and then he tells the player how to use the controller buttons to run. Yeah, that won’t work. We’re going to keep his one line about trust:

“Ex-SOLDIER, huh? Don't trust ya!” (PS1/Beacause)

“You’d better be worth the money, merc. Every last gil.” (7R)

For this, 7R’s line is the most evocative and gives us just a bit more context for the situation at hand. I’m not super thrilled that it extraneously introduces us to the concept of ‘gil’, the fictional currency of FF7’s world, which isn’t relevant to the story right now (in the OG, Aerith introduces it when selling the player a flower). But the line is just so damn cool. Barret is so damn cool.

I cut the extraneous chatter between Cloud and Wedge here. I added a couple of shots around the door opening, such as moving one of Wedge’s face-muggings and a wide shot of Jessie and Biggs being sneaky.

I blended the different movements of the soundtrack here to match the iconic tilt of the camera up at the reactor. I also made sure to keep the entire sequence timed in such a way that Barret’s cold turn back is accented by the tense cellos. They haven’t said which one of Remake’s many composers is responsible for each individual diversion from Uematsu’s original score, but I would put good money on Shotaro Shima for the cinematic variation that plays during this scene. The forevariance of the Main Theme here is a particularly nice touch.

Scene 12: Combat: Cloud vs. 1 MP and 1 Guard Hound

A combat has begun, which means that our major story moments for the episode are behind us. That’s not to say that there won’t be plot in the following few minutes, but there won’t be dialogue. Enjoy the slow-motion feast for the eyes and ears, I really enjoyed making it.

Because Cloud is the only combatant in these, it’s easy to actually choreograph and re-shoot the fights, finaggling the enemies into the same locations as I use the same moves on them. This fight can be repeated after opening a nearby chest, allowing me to quickly restart it without having to reload, with only minor changes to the starting positions. For instance, in the first scenario, the members of AVALANCHE start on the battlefield and spend the first few rounds taking the lift, whereas they’re already at the top at the start of the second fight.

I really loved the naturally moody lighting on the crew in the warehouse, and cutting back and forth allowed me to mask some of the “jumping around” that the enemies and Cloud do – although not all, as eagle-eyed viewers will see. This will become less possible when more characters become involved in fights, but for the opening encounters I thought it would be important to show how this slow-mo thing could give the impression of fights progressing. Here's my favorite from the cutting room floor:

Scenes 13-14: Through the Warehouse

At three separate times, I mask edits to the score. At the end of the combat, Cloud sheathes his sword, allowing me to cut out 14 bars and restore Uematsu’s original score structure. I then put this opening piano on loop, extending it until enemies are on the screen (it’s masked again by the sound of the lift and by Jessie cutting the wires. In Uematsu’s structure, loops of the song don’t include the timpanis and orchestra hits from the beginning, but 7R’s version does include them, which I think is an oversight. However, it had the unintended upside of scoring the arrival of enemies from behind Cloud really well! Also, we can associate the orchestra hits with Cloud once more as they punctuate him whirling around and preparing to fight!

Fun fact: Bombing Mission has a bpm of 136, so when I found editing the music too repetitive I would use placeholders with the same bpm and then fine-tune it later. Highlights from the playlist I made were Rocket Man, Thunderstruck, Go Your Own Way, Jump (For My Love), and, heh, Sandstorm. 

Scene 15: Combat: Cloud vs. 2 MPs, 1 Guard Hound

With this combat, I chose to introduce the viewer to magic - specifically, Cloud’s ability to cast lightning and ice. In OG, the player learns this by taking control of Cloud down on the train platform, but its quite possible in a playthrough for Cloud to never use magic – and indeed, in 7R he begins with different spell abilities altogether!

However, I feel like this short encounter was the way to introduce magic with the maximum hype possible, and I’m proud of the result. Cloud zaps one MP, dispatches the other with a quick sword slice, then fires off an ice spell to nab the pup.

I tried to have the materia in focus while Cloud was casting in order to provide a visual clue as to where this magic comes from, because it won’t be exposited with dialogue for some time yet.

Scene 16: Combat: Cloud vs. 2 MPs

Around 1 minute of combat footage represents about 2-3 hours of shooting, and about 5 hours of editing. This one took a bit longer because I remained in bullet time so that I could get coverage of the crew running out onto the bridge.

For this combat, I cut out a chunk of the score to make room for the section that uses a variation on the Main Theme, accenting a Cloud hero shot.

Scene 17: The Bridge

This was pretty straightforward to shoot except for cutting out a door puzzle that triggers AVALANCHE running into the reactor. Filming around that was a bit tricky. I also dabbled in my first bit of colour-correction here, as jumping from the gap between sectors back into that metal tunnel was hard on the eyes.

A quick clip of the music to ramp up towards the credits, and about a hundred reshoots of that camera so that it passes between the pipes and not through them. And we're done.

Final Thoughts

I can’t believe anyone reads these things, but if you did, hey thanks. Let me know what you think of the series! And dOn’T fOrGeT tO LiKe aNd sUbScRiBe!

[malicedafirenze]

I unintentionally skipped a lot of the romance content in Baldur's Gate 3 and I want others to learn from my mistakes:

So: I managed to lock myself out of romance entirely and ended up alone, which was a huge bummer and a serious crack in my motivation to play the game. I finished my playthrough (because I was already close to the end of Act 3 when I realized it), and plan to do another one eventually. I'm making this post in hopes of a) keeping others from making the same mistakes and b) to possibly get some additional insight re. what to watch out for in my next playthrough.

PSA: Pick a Partner before Act 3

The key learning here for me was this explanation from the poly mod

In BG3, romance is divided into 2 steps: dating and relationship(also called partner). Dating is basically where you are at after the 1st romance scene. Relationship is where you are at after the 2nd romance scene (relationship also unlocks the kissing menu). BTW, If you enter A3, all dates will break up with you (partners won't, ofc).

I hadn't realized this until well into Act 3, at a point where going back to a save to properly fix it would have meant replaying large parts of Act 2 as well - I decided to finish my run instead and then start a completely new one later.

Note: lots of spoilers below. (click here to read this post on reddit instead)

My Romance Woes

I read in advance that you couldn't romance multiple people (except for the specific Halsin combos with Shadowheart and Astarion) and therefore turned down Gale and Lae'Zel early in the game (not realizing you could just date/bonk them without fully committing or getting anyone upset)

I didn't take approval all that seriously, thought I'd have more opportunity to fix things later. I was playing pretty good guy, and ended up with high approval for Karlach and Shadowheart, but low for Astarion. Weirdly, I don't recall an option to romance Shadowheart (no clue what I missed?) and the only option I had for Karlach was at the Tiefling party, where I went with Astarion instead. I had a scene or two with him, but then didn't progress further in the relationship, without really realizing what I was missing.

I wanted to romance everyone, sat on the fence for too long, and ended up not romancing anyone at all, by missing a thing or two in act 1 and 2 and being too late to fix it in act 3. Don't be like me, it feels bad man.

Early Act 3, I got Astarion's breakup dialogue ("we haven't spent a night together in some time" --> him explaining it was just transactional and he doesn't see the value in it anymore) and got super worried, but when trying to look up if I'd messed up, I didn't find a clear answer for without more spoilers, so I just continued playing Act 3, including all of the companion quests.

I later learned that I missed out on at least one important Astarion romance interaction by not going to Moonrise Towers until after freeing Nightsong. (when the Towers are already on high alert, i.e. I could only fight and not have a lot of conversations)

After realizing I had messed up companions romance, I instead fucked everyone it was unwise to fuck (Emperor, Mizora, Harleep...) for fun and to see what would happen... but chickened out and reloaded after Emperor and Mizora. Still, got to enjoy some fun content that way!

The ending I got (going to Avernus with Karlach) was really cool and made me cry a lot. I then did try to reload my last save though, to see if I'd get any other epilogue content if I didn't go to the Hells, but... apparently that scene on the docks (Astarion goofily running off, everyone kinda agreeing to go party after this, no other conversations with anyone again.... is just... it?

Idk how much of this is the lack of romance, but I really felt like something was missing there. I at least wanted to talk to everyone again one last time.

This is a post about my romance failures and regrets so I'm not gonna talk about everything else that I loved about the game, but just in case this is getting a bit too negative: I had an absolute blast with the whole game regardless, I'm stoked to give it another go the "proper" way (i.e. with romance). I also generally think it's really fucking cool that this game's romance options depend on how you behave, and that you can't just e.g. give someone the right kind of gift 20 times in a row to make them love you, like it works in games like Stardew Valley.

Next Playthrough Plans

I'll probably wait for another patch or two - considering how much got fixed and tweaked with the first three patches, I suppose it's worth to wait a bit and see what's coming

I'll play with the Poly mod next time and try to romance all of the Origin characters.

I plan to play with the camp notifications mod, as well as the approval ratings in dialogue mod. Both in hopes of being able to game the romance a bit better and get much of the romance in one playthrough

I'll play Dark Urge (haven't seen any of that so far!), but probably still go for a "good" playthrough mostly

I plan on equipping & levelling all Origin companions and switch them out more freely, in order to get approval from everyone and edit my party as makes sense depending on story events (e.g. take Lae'Zel to the Creche, take Gale to the Ketheric fight...)

I want to romance everyone. I already saw some tips for early game Astarion approval and assume the aforementioned mods will help in optimizing this

Am probably not gonna do anything all that differently otherwise because my heart can't take an actually evil playthrough

Aand that's about it. As mentioned, I'm mostly posting in case this helps anyone else.

I was really damn sad when I realized I had locked myself out of all romance, because the romance was a significant part of my motivation to start playing this in the first place. At the same time, I loved so much about the game that I still got a lot out of it in 110+ hours even with minimal romance content.

If you see any red flags about my plans for the next playthrough (or if you have experience with the mentioned mods!), I'd appreciate comments and insights. Other than that, here's hoping others can learn from my mistakes. Thank you for reading <3

[adachimoe]

PSC Eps 25-26 "Ah-ha, I SEES it!"

Last time: Ep 1 + Explanation, Eps 2 + 4, Ep 5, Eps 6 + 7 (no Q&A), Eps 8 + 9, Eps 10 + 11 (plus PSC Cafe), Eps 12/13/18/19, Eps 20/23/24

Episode 25:

Q: I think that all the awesome music plays a big part in Persona's appeal. I have a lot of favorites, but pieces like "Mass Destruction", "Deep Breath Deep Breath", and many others are masterpieces that defy the long held beliefs about what video game music is. And with so many bangers, there must be discarded songs that were made but never used. Can the Stalker Club skill those pieces with Endure Dark before they get buried in the Mudo of history?! A: If you made it, then you can find a suitable place for it to play, so there are no pieces that got discarded even though they had been completed. If anything, there are some sad incidents where, due to a change of direction, a BGM no longer fits something, but in such cases, rather than discarding it, it gets recycled to play somewhere appropriate. That said, it is thought that behind one completed song is multiple rough drafts that exist in the form of tunes being hummed. However, the existence of these drafts could not be verified because the composer already Mudo'd them himself.

(I added in the Mudo part cause I figured people would recognize that as a skill name faster than Endure Dark)

Q: In Persona 4, Chie's Persona Tomoe is wearing a helmet. Is the helmet-shape actually her head, or is she just wearing a helmet? A: When it comes to a Persona's appearance, there is no clear distinction made between their body and their accessories. But, if one must dare to say which is which, that's a helmet. Since Personas are beings that have transformed from Shadows, they are often designed with a "mask" of sorts similar to the enemy Shadows. And in Tomoe's case, hers is her helmet.

Episode 26:

An Akihiko-focused question session because his voice actor, Hikaru Midorikawa, was the guest.

Q: Sanada's Persona Caesar was such a womanizer that he was called "Rome's Lover" and he held a title like "Debt King" which gives him the opposite image of Sanada. How did he go from Polydeuces to Caesar? A: Because his Arcana is the Emperor. That Caesar was able to fearlessly carry out innovative reforms corresponds with Akihiko's strength. Furthermore, the history with how Caesar lost his standing then made a comeback and became synonymous with the title "Emperor" is similar to Sanada's story and so forth.

(This answer says "became Emperor" (皇帝となった). I added in "synonymous with" so this would sound historically accurate. In the old P3 artbook, they also say that Caesar was "known for being the Emperor of the Roman Empire". In P3 Reload, the Persona profile says his name became a name for Roman Emperors, so they corrected it for Reload.)

Q: There are many flavors of protein such as strawberry, chocolate, etc. What is Sanada's favorite? Or will any do? A: Sanada takes protein because that's logical to him as both a boxer and as someone who wants to get stronger. Taste barely even registers to him as a deciding factor. I'm certain that if an ingredient was the best for one's strength, he would say, "I'll try it" and put it in his mouth even if it's bitter or spicy. Q: Why does Sanada never wear his uniform jacket during the game? He doesn't even wear it in winter. A: Normally, he'd wear it at school and other places, so it's not as though he has a hang-up that causes him to stubbornly refuse to wear it. However, a blazer would restrict his movement when boxing or fighting, so it's more like he's never seen wearing it when interacting with the protagonist. He might seem really extreme at first, living his life like he's ready to fight 24/7, but he has been attacked by a Full Moon Shadow at the dorm where he lives. When you think about that, it doesn't seem so extreme.

Episode 26 was the last episode of Persona Stalker Club. After, they had a special stream where they announced the release date of Persona 5, then the show changed into Persona Stalker Club V for Persona 5 coverage. I might have misread this, but afaik, the Q&A section didn't return until the very last episode of V (episode 10). Anyway, next post = V episode 10 and then done done.

[xenodile]

@stasisarbiter This is definitely worth a full ask, because it's a bit of a mixed response. Nikke does a lot of things really good, and a lot of things really bad.

So. The gameplay IS fun. Like really fun. The PVE gameplay is like Time Crisis shooting, you have your team of up to 5 characters where you're directly controlling one at a time while the others are on auto target and tap/click to shoot, and automatically take cover and reload when not shooting. Enemies flash red before they attack and put markers on characters that are being targeted by particularly powerful attacks. Characters have different styles of guns, Assault Rifles, Machine Guns, SMGs, Shotguns, Rocket Launchers, and Sniper Rifles, that all handle differently, and some characters have uniquely functioning versions of those 6 archetypes. You can also order all characters to take cover and stop shooting until you give the order to attack again, and switch between which character you're controlling while doing so.

You also generate meter whenever your characters hit something, and when the meter fills you can use their Burst Skills. You can use up to 3 Burst Skills in sequence, as each character's skill is Phase 1, 2, or 3, and building a team involves getting characters whose skills compliment and chain together. When you do a full chain of 3 skills, you activate a Full Burst for 10 seconds, during which time you directly control all of your characters at once.

When your characters are strong enough, any stage becomes a cakewalk, but when you're playing at a power deficit is when things get really interesting, because the amount of precise manual control you have over each of your characters means you can overcome very high stat differences by prioritizing targets, using the right skills, and taking cover efficiently.

The boss fights are also really, really cool. Bosses have multiple parts that can be individually targeted and broken to alter their behavior and deal extra damage, they have special attacks where you have to do precision target shooting to interrupt them, and long multi phase fights. It's really fun stuff.

But as I said, Nikke does some really bad stuff too. For one, it has PVP, and there is no justice in a gacha based PVP game. PVP is an auto battler where certain teams are just invincible without an equally specific counter pick, all of which are locked behind SSR gacha rates, so that blows.

Leveling and upgrading characters is weird because there's a system that makes it so you only have to level up 5 characters and then every other character you have will be automatically synced to those 5, which is really nice. But that system has a hard cap that is not high enough to get through every part of the main story, and is only unlocked if you get FIVE SSR characters to max limit break, so depending on luck and spending habits, could be a very significant wall to progression for a lot of people.

Dailies are easy to complete and only take like 30 minutes tops, and there's no stamina or AP system so you can play as much as you want, but all experience and money games are time based. You CAN'T grind for experience or money or upgrade materials, you get them at a fixed rate per day. So it respects your time per day, but it WILL take months of playing to upgrade your characters, and even that is locked behind whether you get lucky on the gacha.

So like, the gameplay IS fun, but your ability to actually access that fun is locked behind really scummy monetization. It's a weird case where I've really been liking Nikke and having a ton of fun with it, but I would not ever recommend it to someone because the ability to make meaningful progress is luck based. It's why I started doing my story write ups because I think there's legitimately good stuff in Nikke that people should see and be able to enjoy without getting roped into its bad gacha shit.

Short answer, yes it's fun but it's not worth getting into, so enjoy it vicariously.

[strawberryjamsara]

Persona 3 reload: a retrospective

A while back, I watched a let’s play of persona 3. And I hated it. I found it juvenile, nihilistic, extremely gross, and I felt like the members of sees were hardly friends, so their bonds hardly meant anything.

But, Persona 5 is a game I love, and also a long game that I’ve played multiple times, so I wasn’t sure if I was ready to play it again. And I had scrounged up enough for the new game, with me reasoning to myself that I’d have a better experience playing myself

And I was right. Everything I didn’t see in the game before came out at me in this playthrough so much I wondered if the original was ever really as bad as I thought.

So I just wanna recount a lot of the experience here. Beware of spoilers.

story and themes.

In my first watch, Persona 3’s story sort of felt like what I’d come up with at 14. Constant talks about how death is inevitable, nothing matters, and a line at the end saying our dead protagonist “found the answer” by dying which honestly made my jaw drop when seeing it. Not a good thing for someone with constant suicidal thoughts to hear, and the line struck me as tasteless, gross, and neglectful of the audience mental health.

That line is still there, and I still despise it, but this time around, I better understood the message the entire game wants to convey, that being: “Yes death is inevitable, yes nothing in life matters: which is why it’s important to live each day to the fullest and make your time matter.” This is shown by the fictional condition “apathy syndrome” a syndrome that literally makes you stand in place doing nothing forever, essentially a giving up on life that is what the villains hope to inflict on the world. The fall isn’t just an instant death. It’s plunging every human on earth into this state of apathy, and through this, they will all die while not even doing anything about this, and THATS what makes Nyx terrifying. And understanding this, it greatly raised my appreciation. The game also comes with a label warning for heavy themes and advising players to take a break if it gets too hard, which I appreciate.

There’s also a pretty good conflict with the heroes that being: the want for the world to constantly be in peril so they have something to do with their lives. This was sort of in Persona 5 with the thieves (Or really just Ryuji) soaking in popularity, but Persona 3 is a much better utilized version of this. All these people hated their lives before they became humanities saviors, and the idea of losing that purpose in life is scary to them. It’s only through their bonds with eachother they come to realize what they’re actually living for, and makes the villains Strega perfect foils, because their bonds with eachother aren’t enough. Jin obviously would give the world for Takaya, but they so easily threw Chidori away for bonding with the ones who took away their purpose. Takaya is pushed forward by pure nihilism and the ability to do whatever the hell he wants, and so he neglects the people around him. Jin dies in his final fight with you to protect Takaya’s dreams, and Takaya in his last moments wishes Jin could see the end but he didn’t. Takaya put his power trip over the only person he had left, so he was alone at the end.

I will say though, that while Strega are good villains, I don’t really like the games wishy washy handling of the Kirijo group. I’ll talk more about Mitsuru and her bond with her father when I get to characters (it’s nowhere near as bad as Haru though) but while the actions of the company are truly horrific, it sort of looks away from what it means for Mitsuru to inherit a company that caused this entire disaster then profited off of it, which like, yes I hate capitalism, but it’s also a very fascinating thread of idea that gets dropped. Also, yes, making the villains the group of orphans who were experimented on by the Kirijo group and have nothing from the heiress except a line about how she had ‘no idea’ and having the main characters work with the police, and the police being seen as a role model, and working with a coorporation is. A choice. And a huge downgrade from P5. Back to Mitsuru and the Kirijo’s though, this sort of thing could easily have been explored in her social link.

Speaking of which….

Social links and linked episodes

So when I watched that let’s play, the worst part for me was the social links. They were where a lot of personas signature brand really gross content came from, and the characters were utterly uninteresting to me. So were they bad as I remembered?

Yes and no.

One big thing I’m glad they’ve changed is that in the original game, whenever you maxed your bond with a female character you’d enter a relationship no matter what. So if you wanted to max your bond with multiple girls, then guess what! You’re cheating on your girlfriend. This lead to moments where I cringe in sympathy because Mitsuru is ranting to her fiancé about how much better and kinder the protagonist is and knowing this boy is leading on seven different girls.

Also some of the bonds were better than I gave them credit for! I loved coaching the group of kids with Yuko, being with Hayase in rough times, and helping Kamiki come to terms with his death.

Some were just as bad as I remembered though.

The hermit social link is extremely uncomfortable, having to listen to a woman who is obviously your teacher gleefully talk about her plans to get you alone to date you and the game treating this as funny and not horrific. Or Kenji talking about dating his teacher. Or a girl whose so nervous around boys so you can fix her and she becomes confident enough to protest a sign at school condemning relationships between students and teachers- what is with this game and student teacher relationships?

There’s also the problem of the best options in some of these links involve being an enabler. Yes little girl, run away from home, and only bring your insurance card, this is a great idea. If you don’t wanna take the optimal route and say that, you can tell her she deserved her parents hitting her. Yeah, in the original let’s play, I had NEVER hated a main character more than this guy and he was literally a silent protagonist.

I still really hate these moments. I could get attached to the main character (probably because I was playing as him, and there was more time in between… this. And also he wasn’t a cheater) but I still felt so ick picking what I knew was the best option.

So what about the parties links?

I think they’re a mixed bag. Yukari and Aigis have incredibly good social links about themselves and their lives, but Mitsuru’s is clearly just written with romance first, introducing a fiancé who is never mentioned anywhere else in the game for the protagonist to be better than, and Fuuka took a potentially interesting character and made her character arc about what a good cook she is. Thanks Atlus, feminist as always.

But what about the boys? Hahaha… sickos… YEEEES.

The boys in the original game did not have social links. This contributed to my original feeling like SEES weren’t friends, and my dislike towards the protagonist that you couldn’t hang out with any of your roommates who weren’t romance options to cheat on, but reload fixes this. Well, sorta.

Instead of social links, you have ‘linked episodes’ with the boys where you spend a day together and get stat upgrades, and I LOVED this. Often during these episodes the rest of sees would come together and hang, and even if they didn’t, the character insight offered felt worthwhile and like they had bonded. This and study sessions with the group, seeing Yukari Junpei and the protagonist spending time as a group chatting after school, and nightly activities where you could chill with your dormates after dark contributed so much to making these bonds feel more real, and making me believe they’re friends. Even if it’s just the protagonist hanging out with Akihiko on his own, you still get bits of him talking about Shinji and Mitsuru that make it feel alive. I LOVE how sometimes if you go to Tartarus one person won’t be able to make it because they’re out, or they’re studying, or they’re just not feeling it. It makes you feel like you need to take everyone’s schedules to heart. I’m aware that last feature is in the original, but it feels a lot more meaningful to play it for myself.

I’m getting off topic. Time to talk about

The characters

A lot of the characters in P3 I did not like on my first go. With the exception of Yukari and Junpei. And I’m glad to say I’ve come around to all of them this time around. So to go one by one:

Junpei Iori

Junpei at first seems like your typical first persona party member. He’s not very bright, he’s sexist in the way a lot of teenage boys are, and he’s seemingly just there for comic relief.

Then the game flips the script. You realize Junpei is insecure of you. You realize that his girlbestie who teases him all the time, may actually be getting under his skin. You realize that he’s so deeply and utterly sad, and finding out that the entire world would crumble without him is the best thing that happened in his life.

And then he meets the first love of his life.

Chidori and Junpeis romance is so well written, and makes me wish the games would make more romances for your party members instead of the obnoxious romance system that exists where the developers think if the player can’t date any woman that moves they’ll keel over dead.

Junpei finds with Chidori the first girl he doesn’t just think of as someone to hit on for the man points. He finds a genuine crush, someone he cares about the safety and well being of, and a reason to keep going and saving the world because Chidori is in it. And Chidori finds much of the same in him. Watching Junpei turn from a womanizing creep into the sweet guy who waits at Chidoris hospital bed every day was something that even in my first watch had me gnashing my teeth about how Yosuke and Ryuji didn’t touch this level. So yeah. Junpei is great and so is his character arc.

Yukari Takeba

Yukari was the other character I was attached to first run. Mostly because the lets player kept talking about how much he hated her and nothing makes me love a female character more than male audiences treating her like shit, but I was also just attached to her relationship with Junpei. They were the only characters that to me felt like genuine friends, and you could see by the way they’d jab at eachother back and forth.

And I was glad for her headstrong nature. She was the one questioning what was really going on, and she could be mean, and angry, and unpleasant. She could kinda suck, and I appreciated her for that. The scene in my first time where she tries to cheer up Junpei by teasing him and it backfires miserably lived in my head rent free for a while.

And while my opinions of Junpei being a good character pretty much stayed the same this time, my love for Yukari skyrocketed. I realized how endlessly loving she is, and yet how emotionally stunted her beginnings made her, with her dads death, her moms distance, and her friends leaving her behind. I loved when I realized ‘Oh. It’s not just that one time. Junpeis been bothered by her teasing since the beginning, but it’s her expression of love because she’s afraid of vulnerability.’ I loved how she connected with the protagonist, she found someone in a similar situation, but she could still be an asshole to him sometimes because she’s messy and complicated (and side note: I think I ship shuyuka now.)

So yeah. Yukari is a ten out of ten character.

Akihiko Sanada

I thought this guy had no personality the first time around. What was I thinking? Oh boy, I love this dork.

Akihiko going on about bolstering his muscles but can’t bolster his social skills enough for a normal conversation (Mr Autism my good friend) is already endearing to me, but what really comes in clutch is his relationships to Mitsuru and Shinji.

Aki is the only person in the group who doesn’t really see Mitsuru as an authority figure, disobeying her orders from the very start to not push himself, and pushing her buttons a little, a far cry from how she’s essentially the leader (yes I know the protagonist is the textual leader but let’s be real. Mitsuru is the leader.) and they’re a bond I feel like I neglected my first time around.

But let’s talk Shinji.

Akihiko and Shinji are a tragedy and despite knowing how it ended every step of the way this time, I couldn’t help getting attached. Aki losing the only friend he had as an orphan was not all at once but a slow burn. It’s easy to see coming, and yet Akihiko is Sisyphus pushing that boulder up the hill, hoping this time, things can go back to normal with every time he tries to talk him into joining, not realizing the boulder is already falling to the man’s death and Shinji knows it.

I think his final awakening and development happened to fast after that though. Like at least give the man more than a day of his best friend being dead before you make him have his big revelation.

Okay that’s pretty much all my thoughts but one last thing: I didn’t realize how hilariously gay coded he is my first time. He has crowds of adoring girls around him but doesn’t talk to any of them and instead goes to hang with the guys. He’s best friends with Mitsuru and romance isn’t hinted at once. Why are you as a man so obsessed with Shinji, hm?

Fuuka Yamagishi

I think Fuuka has an incredibly strong entrance into the game.

Her status as a navigator is like any person playing their first persona game and gets the navigator, pretty weak at first. Until you realize how powerful she really is. And I think that’s a good metaphor for her character. Turning her bully into her best friend shows her kindness, but also her strength at how she got Natsuki to respect her, not through brute strength but just by being good to her and saving her, and began to spend time with her because of this respect.

Unfortunately, Fuuka is pretty stagnant through most of the story.

I’m glad for some things like her bond with Yukari, and how she finds out the truth behind the Kirijo’s, but it seems like most of this is frontloaded while she takes a backseat to other plotlines, and most of her lines just seem to be her using her persona.

She does get one last incredible scene though in her evolution. When Natsuki leaves and gives Fuuka encouragement, I honestly did feel tears in my eyes for this friendship and the growth Fuuka had knowing she had people who loved her, in both Natsuki and SEES. I speak as someone who usually HATES the bully and victim become friends trope when I say they were a highlight.

So Fuuka isn’t my favorite but she’s a worthy character. I would fix some stuff, but I care her.

Mitsuru Kirijo

This is another character I found bland and uninteresting my first time. I can’t believe how dumb I was.

Okay, so there’s problems with Mitsurus character. I’ve mentioned most of them. Her social link, her becoming the heiress to the evil coorporation, etc etc. but oh goodness is she interesting.

This girl subjected herself to some implied horrific shit for the sake of correcting her families injustices. Because she didn’t want her father to live with the guilt. So she became isolated, depressed, and a bit of a ‘no fun allowed’ type. It could be argued that in the beginning she wants to rid the world of the dark hour the most.

But she’s also just a kid who shouldn’t have to subject herself to that. Her happiest moments aren’t when she’s talking to the father she wants to appease but with her found family in SEES.

As for Mitsurus dad- okay it’s not a Haru’s dad situation. I CAN see some of why Mitsuru cares about him. He’s the ‘stoic but kind’ archetype. The ‘beforetimes’ referred to are before the near end of the world was caused by this man’s father and left him feeling awful, and Mitsuru herself wanted to change that. But I still think the game glorifies him a little bit. Like hey, Strega said they were gathered by Kirijo group to learn persona summoning, and I’m pretty sure Mitsurus grandpa died in that explosion, so who was in charge of those child experiments that killed orphans? You wanna answer that game?

But okay, at the very least, I can see why Mitsuru would care for her father. He’s not as cartoonishly awful as Okumura is, he is an actual human being. And the game keeps its focus on this arc on Mitsuru where it belongs. And her big awakening is, while it’s still not great about acknowledging her dads shit, where it should be. On her realizing she has her friends.

So yes, Mitsuru isn’t as tightly written as Junpei and Yukari, but she’s still a good character.

Aigis

While most characters my first time around felt boring, Aigis felt fetishistic.

Like yes, this robot girls first action is to bury her face in the players bare chest. She watches you while you sleep. This is a running theme. Not only that, but I did not buy her transition into caring about SEES and becoming more human for reasons stated before. SEES don’t feel like friends, yadda yadda yadda.

This time around though, I saw a lot differently. Having the main character slowly bond with her as a friend outside her directive made her feel so much more like a character and not a writers fantasy. I liked little things like how she got excited over ladybugs and that made me appreciate other things like how she goes ‘maaan’ to repeat Junpei or how she gets into an argument with Koromaru. And this made her character development and realization of life’s beauty so much more impactful.

A robot who comes to understand life is a very typical trope, one that I love dearly. My first time didn’t really capture any of the magic for me, but this time around I really love Aigis.

Koromaru

Well, Koromaru is a simple character. He’s literally a dog. He does dog things. He’s implied to be smarter than the average dog. He has a backstory. But sometimes that’s all you need. He is a puppy. A creature. He’s your best friend. He’s loyal and he guarded the place of his last owner. I love you puppy.

Ken Amada

Okay, so first time, I thought Ken had the pieces of an arc that were decent but everything happened so fast. He was introduced, then the next time he did something significant it was saying his backstory and then attempted murder.

I think reloads linked episodes fixed this for me because god I wanna hug this kid. The way they imply his suicidal idealation, and how everyone in SEES sees him as a little brother, give him a family, but he just keeps ruminating on the single worst day of his life so bad he makes another. This kid has such good character development.

Shinjiro Aragaki

God I love Shinji. I love the ‘tough guy secretly loves dogs’ tropes. I love how he knows he’s doomed but still uses his last moments to try and make sure Ken doesn’t end up like him. I love how he cares about Akihiko but doesn’t want to move past his trauma. I love how he’s stuck in place as he is, refusing to let things go but is still fundamentally kind. I love Shinji.

Shuji Ikutsuki

Despite the fact I knew his betrayal was coming this time, I didn’t wanna believe Ikutsuki was a bad guy.

I loved his bad puns, his notebook full of them, how he suggested making the garden, how he just came to hang out in the living room sometimes to be supportive. I love you can catch him on camera making his bad jokes and laughing like a hyena to know that even if he was a shitty dude in the end, he genuinely loved those jokes. After everything he put you through, he was genuine when he told you his bad jokes. Which to me, is far more interesting than anything anyone has ever gleaned from Adachi.

Ryoji Mochizuki

Ryoji is honestly a very good character and I’m shocked. I’ve seen people compare him to Akechi for ‘friends who turn into antagonists’ but as much as I love Akechi, I don’t think Ryoji is anything like him.

But boy do I love him.

While the idea of a nice grim reaper has been done a million times, a kind hand guiding you towards the afterlife, (mind you I love that trope) Ryoji is the first time I’ve seen a bringer of death who hates being one. He loves life, and his friends, and the idea of it ending is scary, but inevitable and he wants to offer a choice, and it honestly feels so gut wrenching when you spend all this time waiting for him to betray you, when you realize he’s just a sweet kid who didn’t ask for this. And honestly, I think I liked him my first time around for that reason. Ryomina is a different story, but I came around to that too this time, and I don’t want this to be bogged down with thoughts on shipping.

Chidori

I pretty much got all my thoughts about Jin and Takaya down in the story section so I’ll skip right to Chidori. And I love her.

Chidori in the beginning feels like just another member of Strega. But when she gets taken to the hospital by SEES partway through, you can see that Strega were not very good to her. They don’t really care most of the game to try and free her, and we find out that she’s been self harming for a while- something Strega doesn’t just ignore, but considering Takayas philosophy, probably actively encouraged. And I like that at first, SEES aren’t equipped to handle her either. They close in and interrogate a very obviously traumatized and mentally ill girl before Junpei busts in to yell at them to give her space.

And I like how we see her passion for art. That despite her claims she cares for nothing, obviously she can’t do that. She loves art. And it’s because of Junpei she really wakes up to that.

I love Chidori

Conclusion

Honestly, I’m not sure if I can put my finger on what it was about Persona 3 that clicked for me this time. Maybe it was the linked episodes, maybe it was playing it for myself, maybe I’m just better at literary comprehension and analysis than before.

But P3 this time really stuck to me, and despite its flaws, I really do get the hype now.

[deepforestgender]

Short story I was kind of proud of:

Atlas was rushing towards the forest, away from the furious shouting and the undeniable click of a firearm being reloaded. They had known that sneaking into a farm in rural Texas could only end badly, but the piercing hunger they felt eventually convinced them to take the risk. As Atlas reached the woods, safe but empty handed, they once again considered begging for food in town but knew that would most likely lead to trouble. People seeing some homeless person seemingly in their teens would lead to them getting stuck in the foster care system, which would be quite the hassle. Neither hunger nor the shotguns of their robbery victims would kill them anyway, but both were still very uncomfortable. While Atlas sat under the trees lit up by the rising sun, pondering over what to do, they thought over how they even got here.

Atlas had existed longer than anyone could remember, themself included. They had never had anyone to guide them or tell them about their origin, so they were left asking. Most of their existence had faded out of their memory, and they could only recall a fraction of the many things they had experienced. They had encountered people from vastly different times and parts of the world, and had been treated many different ways. Some people saw them as a god, others as a monster. Atlas always preferred being treated like a person though. While real friendships of theirs were scarce and short lived, it always started with that. Someone saw a person when everyone else saw something nonhuman.

Atlas had used many different names during their time, but when they spent some time in Greece during the early 400s B.C. they encountered the name Atlas. It stuck out to them and they decided to use it for the time being. Since then it had simply stuck around.

When the Cold War ended, Atlas had thought it would be a great idea to head to the U.S. to see what had changed during the last 100 years or so, a decision they would come to gravely regret. Now they sat here in some woods in rural Texas, contemplating whether it would be worth risking their freedom to get some food.

Soon they began to feel their thoughts slowing down. The morning had turned into early day, and with it came the heat. Eventually, when their mind just felt like mush, Atlas decided that cooling off came first. They could fix the food problem afterwards. There was a small stream running through the forest in front of them, hopefully it would lead to something big enough to cool them down. Atlas started wandering along the stream while slowly whistling to themself, and the further down the stream they went the deeper the forest felt. The trees went from exaggerated bushes to magnificent oaks, the mostly visible sky shifted into a thick green ceiling, and a scent of flowers and moss replaced the smell of arid dirt. While the forest got more and more forest-y, Atlas’s confusion grew. How was there such a dense forest in the middle of Texas?

Eventually they reached a large clearing in the woods, and the stream finally led them to what they were looking for. A large pond, located in the middle of the glade. With a sigh of relief, Atlas pulled off their sweaty shirt and threw themself into the pond. The feeling of the cool water flowing around their body could only be described as angelic, and for a couple of seconds they forgot how hungry they were. The feeling of total euphoria didn’t last long though, as their empty stomach didn’t simply disappear. That’s when they realized the abundance of fruit trees and berry bushes around them.

“This simply must be paradise”, Atlas thought to themself before feasting. They didn’t know how much time had gone by as they sat on the ground gorging upon a berry bush, when a gust of cold air hit them. They turned around to see a dark silhouette behind them. Standing there was a tall woman in a long black dress looking at them. She wore multiple small gold chains around her neck and in her ears hung small dream catchers with seemingly infinite intricacy and detail. Her straight black hair flowed around her, framing her pale face. Her cold eyes, while not hostile, felt unavoidable and across them passed a quick look of surprise before returning to a satisfactory determination. “Hello Atlas,” she greeted pleasantly.

Atlas felt a sudden rush of fear.

“Who’s this? Why does she know my name? Is she here to take me?”, rushed through their mind. Seeing her made them suddenly remember all the times they got burned at the stake, lost most of their blood, or fell to what should have been their death. The lady saw Atlas' eyes fill with pain and fear, and said “You don’t have to worry, that pain will never return.” Upon seeing their questioning expression she added “I guess you expected to never meet me.” She held out a welcoming hand. “I am Death. Nice to meet you.”

Atlas’s panic was defeated by their curiosity and they couldn’t stop themself from asking what they had wondered their entire life. “Do you know where I came from?”, they asked. Death looked amused. “I do, and I intend to tell you, but I’ll want to do one thing for me after it.” “Sure!”, Atlas answered, too excited about finally knowing the full story to worry about what it could mean.

“For a long time the Earth was a barren place… and so was my heart. Until she appeared and changed everything. My darling, my love and the greatest on Earth. You humans call her Life.” In Death’s eyes appeared a pleasant warmth for a moment before she returned to the story. “She had quite the passion for creation and always came up with new stuff. Most of the time I got to clean up after her, but it was all oh so worth it. Seeing and sometimes receiving her amazing creations were the greatest of joys. Humans were one of her latest big projects and she went all out with multiple design phases and drafts.” She smirked thinking back to her girlfriend’s obsessions. “That’s how you came into the picture. You were one of the first mostly complete drafts, and therefore never really brought to reality. That was the plan at least.” Death let out a heavy sigh. Though challenging, Atlas managed to keep themself from asking about anything. The truth about their background was more important than answers to unnecessary philosophical questions such as what happens after death. She continued.

“During one of our date nights she went a bit heavy on the wine, and in her very drunken state she decided to go through her series materials and creations. The result was your existence.”

Death paused before further explaining, “The next day she woke up, so utterly embarrassed that she didn’t speak of what had happened. Therefore I didn’t know and couldn’t take you back when I should have. That was, until last night when she finally told me, and we decided to find you.”

There it was. The answer Atlas had been looking for their entire life. Suddenly, the question that they had been asking for so long didn’t feel that important anymore. Atlas didn’t know how to feel or react, so they simply stood there for a while. Death patiently waited for them, being quite experienced with people feeling existential dread.

Eventually Atlas looked up into Death’s eyes with an almost defeated look. “What do you want me to do?”, Atlas asked Death. “I think you already know”, Death answered with an indecipherable look. While looking into the comfortable infinity that was Death’s eyes, the realization dawned on them. The knowledge of their background wasn’t the only unobtainable thing that would finally be accessible for them. Something that they had long since given up on, and stopped hoping for. The possibility of following all their loved ones, when they all inevitably left them. The ability to leave the Earth before the Earth left them. Atlas would finally die.

That thought overwhelmed them. After watching everyone they ever met eventually die, over and over again, they simply grew numb. Now, with the relief of an end in sight, all the grief came bubbling back, and their eyes began to water. For the first time in centuries, Atlas cried.

Death, watching Atlas’s emotions unfold, opened her arms for them. She felt quite the sympathy for this person, walking the Earth for such a long time with no one to truly know them. Humans weren’t made for that kind of strain.

Atlas fell into her comforting embrace with a sense of catharsis. When they stepped back they were bleeding. All the wounds and all the damage that should have killed them had returned, but there was no pain. They fell to their knees on the wet grass, and when they looked up there stood a second figure next to Death. With luscious golden hair, and a round face wearing an apologetic smile, there stood a woman. “I’m sorry for the trouble. I hope you had a good one”, Life said. “I wish you the best.” As Atlas’s vision faded, Life grabbed Death’s hand and waved.

Atlas smiled.

[clumsiestgiantess]

Chapter 20 of The Other-world Universe; lightheartedness, angst, love, we’ve got it all. Also a very large gun. We have that, too.

All chapters listed here

(this chapter has an SFW and NSFW version. To follow the SFW version, skip down at the bolded cut. Ignore it if you want the full version.)

[Testing the Waters]

Shortly after gathering up the building bricks from where I stashed them earlier, I realized that Ivan's idea wasn't a complete solution like I’d thought.  I'd have to make a fairly large box to fit the already large gun inside of, and I didn’t want to have to lug around a box that size all the time, or the oversized gun for that matter.  

However, as I thought through other ways to store my weapon rather than creating it myself, I was reminded of one of my old experiments.  The time I'd tried to size myself to the other-world, I'd made a bracelet that would shrink me down whenever I wore it.  It failed, obviously.  My best guess as to why was that I couldn’t manipulate myself, only the actual objects I created.  

But what if I can make something similar to the bracelet to fix this problem?  How cool would it be if I wore something that just spawned the gun right into my hands the second I needed it?  That way, the scientists or whoever else that fought me couldn’t separate me from a weapon no matter what.  It would always respawn in my hands.  Unless, of course, they found the object I was wearing.  

I'll have to make it something small and hidden — somewhere the scientists will never think to check.  I gathered a pile of glassy, opaque bricks and got to work.  Soon, I had a three by three inch square of translucent emerald bricks that glistened in the sunlight.  Perfect.  Then came the truly hard part: creating it exactly the way I needed it.  I sat within the strange energy’s reach, the shimmering creation casting a greenish reflection onto my hand.  With my sketch and plans spread out beside me, I began.

This square stone will be able to attach and unattach itself from the back of the wearer’s neck, where they will keep it without feeling anything there at all.  This would make it both inconspicuous to me — by making it so I can wear it without being disturbed — and to the scientists — by having it hidden just beneath the neck of my shirt.  I glanced at my notes for some guidance and added the rest.  

When the wearer reaches behind their back for a weapon, the stone will dispense a large gun that looks exactly how I picture it from the notes here.  It will appear directly in your hands, and return to nothing once you reach to put it back.  This gun will have all of the following attributes:  The top will have a reload slider that can be pulled back to four different modes. The shortest mode will shoot explosive bullets, the second shortest will do the same but with multiple rounds, the second longest will generate a shield you can shatter as a smoke bomb with smoke that only the user can see through, and the longest will shoot an indestructible barrier only the user can cross through.  It will be made of the same breathable light material as the bullets and shield.

Is there anything I'm forgetting?  I scanned my notes again.  The barrel of the gun will have a long strip of lights divided into four sections.  A different one will light up for each mode the gun is put into.  This way I could tell for certain what I was shooting before pulling the trigger.

That seemed to be all my notes had to offer on gun design.  Thinking back to my failed attempt at gaining a different height, I tried, again, to make it work.  When the user wears this stone, they’ll also be able to swap sizes from natural other-world size to a natural size in this world and vice versa by concentrating on the change, like the concentration it takes to swap worlds.  Everything you have on yourself will also grow or shrink to accommodate your size.  I added a few extra orders to determine the gun’s color and dimensions before stepping out of the strange force’s reach, ending the stone’s creation.  I decided to keep the user vague, just in case I ever wanted to make another one for someone else, though I couldn’t imagine why.

Excitement-filled adrenaline caused my hands to shake as I held the plastic square up to the light.  Please let this work the way I want it to, I begged, crossing over into the other-world.  I appeared in the empty field I’d slept in before, my pillows and blanket still strewn on the ground.  The square had shifted in my grasp when I arrived, morphing from pieces of plastic to a strip of gleaming glassy rock that shone like a piece of cut peridot.  The way that the stone reflected the sunlight around it held me spellbound for a moment.  Then, I lifted it behind my head and placed it at the base of my neck, where it snapped into place like a magnet to a fridge.  Once the stone was in place, I twisted my head in various ways, testing how it felt.  Just as I’d said when I made it, I couldn’t feel it at all.  Yet, as undetectable as it was, I could still feel it embedded in my spine when I rubbed the back of my neck.  

Now it was time for the real test.  My chest tightened as I thought of becoming a smaller height.  I couldn’t help but smirk as I pictured Erica’s reaction to seeing me her own size, likely wandering confusedly around the Cavern Town in search of either her or Ivan.  Maybe she wouldn’t even recognize me until I came up to her.  Oh to watch her eyes light up in delighted shock once she saw me standing at her own world’s scale in front of her.

However, when I opened my eyes, my bedding was still proportionally sized to myself, and I could still see for miles around.  I sighed in defeat, heart sinking in my chest.  Well, it was worth a shot.  I hope the gun parts work at least.  Reaching behind my back, I grabbed at the empty space behind me.  Holding my breath, I waited hopefully for something to happen.  Less than a second later, my fingertips brushed solid material, and I yanked the object forward.  

The gun slipped into view; its slick green-tinged chrome shone in the sunlight.  It had appeared perfectly in my hand — finger poised on the trigger.  I whistled in marvel at its design.  Seeing it on paper was nice for planning, but the real thing was so much more impressive.  It was heavy, but still rather lightweight for a metal object that size.  Glancing over my shoulder at the town, I took a short walk in the opposite direction.  I didn’t want to scare everyone by firing a weapon I was only 90 percent sure would work correctly.

Once the Cavern Town was out of sight, I pulled the reload back to the first level, then pushed it into position, swiftly setting the gun to single-shot mode.  Nervously, I took aim at a nearby tree and pulled the trigger.  A burst of light flew from the barrel with a slight kick, racing through the air and grazing the side of the trunk.  As the tree fell to the ground, the light hit the earth somewhere beyond it.  Clumps of dirt were flung everywhere as the bullet exploded.  Oh, that’s.. not right.

I stepped carefully over to inspect the damage.  A small crater of dirt and grass was left behind.  “Well, that worked surprisingly well,” I murmured at the sight of the upturned earth.  “It’s not quite as harmless as I meant it to be.. I don’t really think I specified how volatile I wanted these to be when I made them.”   

Continuing my inspection, I clicked the reload bar up a notch and tried again.  Five bullets spiraled out of the barrel at once.  They landed in a star-shaped pattern, creating a spiky, more severe-looking version of the first crater.  That probably could rip someone wide open if I shot them directly.  Hmm, I’ll.. just move on from those two.

With the slider raised to section three, I took aim and fired directly in front of me.  I’d hoped to grab the shield out of the air, but the gun released it way too fast for my reflexes to respond.  The shield exploded out of the barrel at the same speed as a bullet, skidding across the ground like a sled before bursting into smoke, as per my design.

I stood watching in shock as clouds billowed over the ground.  Between the dislodged chunks of dirt, the cratered landscape, and the creeping tufts of heavy smoke, the terrain in front of me looked an awful lot like a battlefield.  An eerie observation.  I would have to fix the issue with my shield, which meant I would probably have to remake everything else, too.  But for the time being, I continued the tests.  

The final reload tick was for creating a barrier that only I could manipulate.  After finding a target — a particularly tall tree I’d spotted — I took aim and fired.  Light shot out of the barrel so similarly to the bullets that for a moment I thought I’d made a mistake.  However, instead of exploding upon hitting its target, the light instead fanned out around it in a slowly-expanding arc.  In a few seconds, a shining translucent casing grew in a dome over the tree and the shrubs beneath it.  I marveled at it as I slowly stepped closer.  Reaching out to touch it, I became spellbound as my hand slid right through — the barrier drawing an eerily cold line across my skin that was caught between the threshold.  I pulled back and rubbed the spot for a moment to warm it, then slid my whole head inside.  Breathability, check.  Visibility, check.  Durability I’ll check in a moment.  Accessibility… wait.  Wait!  I made it inaccessible to the hazmat giants, but I forgot that the other-worldians need a way in and out as well!

Brief frightening scenarios flashed through my brain — the entire town, maybe even Erica, stuck behind an impenetrable wall that only I was allowed through.  Shit.  I didn’t even make a way to take it down in case I mess up.  I was back in my own world instantly.  Almost everything needed tweaking, so I went ahead and scrapped it, trying again with a few new things in mind.

I want this gun to be exactly like the one I previously made, but with a few changes.  First, an explosive bullet should only be able to destroy skin, not muscle or bone.  Multiple bullets.. should be able to damage any living matter it hits.  As much as I didn’t want to kill anyone, I had a strong nagging fear that I would certainly have to put up a fight once I took this thing out in front of the ‘giants’.  The shield won’t leave the gun unless I grab it…  Oh!  And the barrier should only let me- I mean only let the user remove it, and allow other-worldians to cross beneath it, but ONLY other-worldians.  That way, the people from the portals couldn’t use them to their advantage somehow, like crossing directly through one at the same time as an other-worldian.

I figured the people of the Cavern Town could make tunnels through the rocks — like the ones I’d previously destroyed — which could go under or around the barrier to get in and out.  If the scientists tried something like that, the barrier would grow to fill any hole they made.  Anything that wasn’t previously dug before the barrier went up would automatically be sealed to keep intruders out, so I made a mental note to get the other-worldian refugees to create some exits before I put up any barriers.

Again, I took my weapon to the other-world to test.  Again, I tried to change my height to no avail.  However, the bullets seemed to be working fine, besides the kick in the gun, but that was a given when working with explosives.  The muti-shot mode made an even bigger crater than before due to my new instructions.  After a bit of contemplation, I shrugged.  “I need to show a bit of muscle, anyway.  They won’t take me seriously otherwise!  Plus, I don’t really feel like going back and remaking this thing from scratch just to change one little thing.”  It occurred to me that my weapon might be a bit too overpowered, but I reasoned that I’d only shoot someone in lethal mode if it was absolutely necessary, like if someone was about to kill me first.

The new barrier passed all the tests I could think of, including one that I’d forgotten.  I uprooted a tree to throw at its side, just to test its durability.  With the tree held tightly in one hand, I wound up and threw it against the barrier as hard as I could.  The tree hit it head-on and ricocheted off its side, promptly exploding as it flew through the air.  I held my arms up to shield my face; bits of debris rained on the field.  Some of the pieces fell back onto the barrier, where they were torn apart a second time.  Oh wow.  I forgot I made the material itself explosive.

Hesitantly, I took a branch and gently touched the barrier.  Nothing happened.  Placing my hand roughly over its side, I felt a slight jolt, but nothing harmful.  Good.  The explosion depends on the force.  I didn’t want someone accidentally touching or hitting the barrier and meeting an awful fate.

Just for extra measures, I threw a rock at it too, but from a further distance.  The rock didn’t explode as violently as the tree had, probably because it was a lot sturdier, but it still showered down in several chunks.  With all the shooting modes tested, I could tinker with the shield part.  It came out at the very tip of the gun and stayed there until I plucked it off.  

While I practiced with my new weapon, I recognized the sound of a Cavern Town truck heading towards me.  Knowing it would be a while before the truck actually reached me, I continued trying to properly use the shield function, blocking invisible attacks in my mind.  However, as the truck arrived, it honked loudly at me.  Yelping in surprise, I lost my grip on the shield and dropped it, spreading billowing smoke everywhere.  I gagged on the hovering clouds that billowed swiftly past my head as I’d bent down to grab it, concealing everything in a greenish-grey haze.  It was strange; the fog only cleared in the exact place that I was looking at.  I suppose that’s how I created it, though.

Someone started slow-clapping to my left.  She laughed at my clumsiness before choking on the drifting smoke herself.  “Erica, stop laughing!” I chided with a smile as I waved away the smoke around my face.  “I worked hard on this!”  I cautiously stepped towards the place where I heard her laughter, continuing to wave away smoke.  It didn’t really look or smell like smoke though; it was more like fog that was incredibly thick.  

Once I found the truck's outline in the mist, I got an idea.  Smiling wryly, I froze and went completely silent, leaving the rolling mist to cover me again.  Erica paced cautiously to the front of the truck, keeping one hand on it to orient herself.  “Alexis?” she called confusedly into the suddenly silent field, “Where did you go?”  She looked right past me into the billowing fog as if I were invisible.  I quickly checked to make sure I actually wasn’t.  Sometimes I’d forget I could do that.

Slowly sliding my hand to the ground beside Erica, I inched myself closer.  “Hello?  Alexis, are you hiding because I laughed at you?” she chuckled.  “How was I ever afraid of you?  I’m gonna find you eventually,” Erica announced smugly.  She stepped fearlessly out into the fog which rendered vision almost useless, yet it didn’t affect my eyes from seeing her in the slightest.  Erica had almost walked right into my grinning face.  I chuckled giddily, watching Erica’s form tense rigidly at the close sound of its rumble.  "Not if I find you first."  Erica barely had time to react before I reached out and snatched her up from the ground.

I grinned haughtily as she yelped in shock.  Her heartbeat skittered against my thumb, pressed lightly into her chest while I held her in a loose fist.  Erica struggled slightly as I shifted to my full height.  The fog rolled off of us as I ascended, settling around my waist once I stood.  The utter shock on Erica's face was priceless.  She wasn't at all frightened for more than a split second, which surprised me.  Now that we could properly see each other, Erica made a big show of rolling her eyes and pouting crossly.  However angered she appeared to be, I could see a faint smile playing at her lips.

"You're insane," Erica grumbled, feigning annoyance.  I laughed, "I couldn’t resist!  It’s your karma for mocking me!"  Stepping away from the smokey cloud slowly dissipating into the air, I sat down with one of my knees tucked up, placing Erica on top of it.  She sat with her arms propping herself up, legs dangling over the side of my mine.  "I wasn't scared.  I knew you wouldn't hurt me," an air of authority swept through her voice as she tilted her chin up haughtily.  "Is that so?"  "Yep.  Because all I have to do is flirt with you and you'll immediately abandon all your scariness," she said knowingly, wagging a minuscule finger at me.  "You're probably the least intimidating person I've ever met."

Caught slightly off guard, I let out an embarrassed chuckle in response.  I flopped over onto the grass below, leaving Erica sitting above me.  I had to wait for my blush to cool down before I could speak again.  "So, what brings you all the way out here?" I asked, once I regained my voice.  "Just to make fun of me, or…?"  

Erica shook her head, “No, I haven’t seen you for the past, like, forever, so I thought I’d go find out what you were up to.  You said you’d be back days ago, you know.  I was starting to worry!”  “Sorry,” I mumbled, “I’m testing weapons.”  “I can see that,” Erica replied, gesturing at the gun lying in the now fog-free field.  “Actually, it’s slightly concerning that you can conjure up a giant blaster gun at will.  What were you trying to do before you exploded it?”  “It’s supposed to do that,” I grumbled.  “Supposed to what?  Explode?”

With an exasperated sigh, I sat up and squinted at her.  “It’s supposed to be a shield that explodes into a smoke bomb when it hits the ground.  I was practicing how quickly I could use it, but you startled me!”  She giggled, giving me an innocent look.  “I was just saying hi!  I want to know what you’ve been doing without me.”  She leaned closer, reaching towards me until I offered her my hand, which she hastily pulled to herself.  Erica leaned against my palm and lay the side of her head, and a tiny hand, gently against it.

“Let me show you,” I offered, scooping Erica off my knee and placing her on the ground beside me.  It took a few extra moments for her to untangle herself from my fingers.  I swear she looked a bit peeved when I let her go.  Retrieving my gun from the empty field, I pulled the reload back to the third hitch and pushed it forwards again.  Now that Erica was watching, I felt the need to show off my moves and weapon.  Twirling the gun on my fingers, I whirled around dramatically, firing the shield and whisking it around to fend off invisible attackers, ducking and weaving like I was in a real fight.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t actually see Erica’s reaction to my epic display.  She was both too small and too far away for me to make out anything but her figure standing amidst the chaos I’d wreaked on the field testing my new weapon.  After a few minutes of fooling around, I returned to the truck where Erica sat watching me.  “So,” she stated in an unimpressed tone, “When do I get a weapon?”  I stopped just short of the truck; my brain suddenly drew a blank.  

“I-  What?  You don’t get a weapon.  I told you I won’t make you fight.”  “You aren’t making me do anything,” Erica responded, “I want a weapon.  I want to fight alongside you, to help keep you safe.”  I shook my head, kneeling in the grass in front of her.  “No, I’m not letting you risk your life just so you can get revenge on some crazy race of futuristic people.  End of conversation.”  “But I know how to fight-”  “You know how to fight giants thirty times your size?” I countered, interrupting her.  Before Erica could argue, I stood and headed back towards town.  “Besides, I’m not even fighting them.  I’m fending them off while you guys stay safely behind a barrier.  I'm not a killer; I'm just trying to ward them off so they’ll leave everyone alone, and everything will go back to the way it was before.”

As I walked back toward the valley, I could hear Erica faintly yelling at me.  “Don’t you walk away from me!  Alexis, get back here!  This conversation isn’t over!” but I pretended I hadn’t heard her.  She’ll be uninterested in a weapon once mine becomes an everyday thing.  I’m stopping her from getting herself killed.  I’m doing the right thing.

Back at the Cavern Town, things were fairly uneventful.  I’m sure its interior was absolutely bustling with activity, but out where I sat, the rocky landscape was quiet and barren.  Sitting back on my perch on the opposite side of the crevasse, I had a picturesque view.  Puffed clouds with flattened undersides slid across the vivid blue sky.  Their shadows crawled over the earth beneath them, dappling the landscape in patches of darkened shadow amidst the warmer hues of light.  Leaves in all colors of Autumn rustled and scattered with the wind, and I shivered at the sound.  A perfect view indeed.  Except, of course, for the vehicle speeding through the center of it, with Erica undoubtedly on her way to chew me out.  It didn’t matter much to me, though; butterflies flitted through my chest at the thought of her beside me, regardless of the mood.

Once Erica finally made her way to my seat, I braced myself for some angry remark, but silence remained.  We sat together for a while instead, watching the view.  She'd returned to the same spot on my knee, though I was sitting cross-legged now, and there were plenty of other places for her to sit on the rocks around me.  

“You’re right that we shouldn’t go around starting shit with giants," Erica began, "But I would be lying if I said I don't want to hurt them for what they've done.  Still, I know from experience it's better not to go picking fights you can't win."  I wanted to ask what she meant by her last statement, but she continued speaking before I could bring it up.  "It's just… stupid.  It's stupid, I'm sorry.  You're just trying to protect me from myself."  Erica shifted off of my knee and started to head back the way she came.  However, I put a hand out in front of her, blocking her path before she could get any further.

Confusedly, she turned back to me.  "Erica," her name slid off my tongue with nothing but gentle worry on it.  At the sound of her name on my lips, her stony expression broke just slightly.  "What is this really about?  You’ve been.. clingier than usual."  She stilled, vision staring blankly into nowhere before giving her head a small shake and moving to edge her way past my blockade.  "I'm fine.  I told you it's stupid."  "If it's 'stupid' then why are you so upset?"  "I'M NOT UPSET!" hostility sprung into her voice so suddenly that even she seemed taken aback by it.  Her face had been turned from me, but after veering around suddenly to snap at me, I could see her eyes glazing over with tears.  

"I just-” she sighed, anger fading from her voice.  “You disappeared into your world a few days ago, longer than you said you would.  And that's fine!  It is where you live," she added hastily, "But when you came back.. I don't know.. I thought- I thought you were cutting me out of the picture.  You came back with your fancy weapon and your plans to go out and fight.. without me."

Erica groaned, "See?  I told you it was stupid.  My brain saw you walking away and drew a line to the day you almost left.  When I had to chase you down, remember?"  Her voice faltered, and her words began rushing out over each other, desperate to escape after being pent up for so long.  "I just have this irrational fear that one day you'll wake up like the old you.  And you'll remember that you don't care about this world!  And you'll leave me again!”

Tears began to roll down her cheeks, and my eyes widened at how suddenly her demeanor had changed.  "I'm just so scared that you'll leave me alone.  Because you did; you have.  You left me alone for four years without a second glance!  Those four years were hell on earth.  I never wanted you to leave!  I only told you I did so you could see how frustrated I was!  Then you tried to do the same thing to me again when you destroyed the town!  At least that time you had the decency to say goodbye!”  She began sobbing; it was too much for me to process.  "If.. If you hadn't said that.. I-  We wouldn't have-"  she choked, tripping over nothing as she tried to back away.

The moment she fell, my hands rushed to her sides.  I tenderly slid a hand beneath her, cautiously lifting her to my chest where she clung tightly to me, burying her face in the fabric of my shirt.  "I.. I didn't know," I whispered.  Old memories replayed rapidly in my head — things I’d forgotten about over the years.  There had been so many easy, little moments between us long before I’d even pictured loving her.  How had I forgotten that?

Erica's cries slowly ceased and she pushed away from me slightly.  I looked down to see her head tilted all the way back, red-rimmed eyes gazing directly up at me intently.  "I left both times because I thought it would be better for you,” I confessed, “That first time, when I left after you yelled at me.. I regretted having ever met you — forcing you to witness and go through all the horrible things I’d done.  After that day, I never quite forgave myself.  Especially once I came back and you needed me again.  It felt like.. like I was forcing you to stay with me.  You didn't have any other options.  You told me yourself once that you felt trapped with me."  My throat began to tighten and my eyes watered.  "Both times you never got to choose.  I'm always just.. there, wherever you are.  So I leave.  I left because I-"  

There was a slight pause as I swallowed the lump building in my throat, "Because I didn't know."  "Didn't know?" Erica echoed.  I nodded slightly, "I didn't know you loved me.  I didn't- couldn't believe that you cared for me.  Why would you?  I hurt you.  I hurt you and so many other people.  Why?  Why would you love me?  I don't understand."  My voice cracked as my throat finally swelled closed.  The last few words dwindled into silence.

Erica slid upwards in my grasp, and I shifted her away slightly, thinking I'd hurt her in my grip that had tightened as I'd relayed my tragedy.  Tentatively, she reached out and grasped the bridge of my nose, pulling herself closer until her forehead rested on mine.  "You saved my life, Alexis.  In more ways than one.  You.. you're one of the few people who's shown me actual, genuine kindness, you know that?  I’ve never been happier than this last week, when all we did was spend time together."  

"But I-"  "I don't give a fuck about what you did four years ago."  I inhaled sharply.  My eyes fluttered shut as tears pricked at their edges.  "That was four years ago, Alexis.  People change!  Sure, you did some really shitty and stupid things, but you apologized, you made it up to me, and you’re trying to be better.  That's more than I can say about the rest of the people in my life.  You’ve done more than I could ever ask of you.  I love you.  You know I love you, and I know you love me.  So please.. don't leave me behind.”

I took a shuddering breath and held her back slightly; it was easier to see her that way.  We were both sobbing messes thanks to the trauma we'd accidently inflicted on eachother.  I still don't quite understand why Erica loves me so much.  I doubted I’d been told the whole story as to why.  The fact that I, the same person who'd accidently tortured her, was one of the same few to show her kindness, is upsetting.  However, if she didn’t want to tell me, I wouldn’t mind it.  I was sure she'd humor me with it eventually.  Until then, knowing that she cares for me is enough.

"I could never leave you now," I told Erica softly, stroking a stray lock of hair from her face.  "There's not a thing in the world that would make me want to leave you again."  Erica smiled through her subsiding tears.  "Which world?" she joked, "Mine or yours?"  I cracked a faint smile, again bringing her to my chest for another lopsided hug.  "Either, both, any.  I love you, Erica.  I thought that was the reason I had to let you go.  Thank you for showing me that it's the reason I need to stay."  

Slowly, Erica made her way up to my shoulder.  "You're welcome," she whispered into my ear once she arrived.  Again, we watched the view — Erica leaning lovingly against the side of my neck.  In the silence that followed, I noticed that we did that a lot — sitting silently side by side as we absentmindedly gazed at the world around us.  I guess it was something that we would always have in common.  The scenery was still beautiful no matter what size we were.  From up here, we both had the same view of it.

Eventually, we knew we'd have to head back down the valley.  Erica would return to her house in the secret little town, and I'd head back to my field.  I couldn't help feeling slightly melancholy about my living situation.  It was comical in a killing-your-back-slowly kind of way.  However, as I waved goodnight to the guards outside and reached for Erica to let her off, she dodged my grasp.  I turned my head to the side, trying to see where she’d gone.  "You better be picking me back up before you head off to bed," she said warningly.  "What?  Why?  Where do you think we're going?" I asked, confused.  "To bed," Erica stated.  "Together?"  "I thought you said you loved me."  My eyes widened in shock.  We're sleeping together!  Wait, why am I so excited?  We slept together a few days ago.  Despite my reasoning, I could feel my heartbeat quicken at the thought.  

"I don't really have much of a bed," I joked, "If you remember, I live in a field because it's the only place I fit."  I'm not quite sure whether I was being spiteful or sarcastic about it.  I guess some of Erica's naturally ticked off behavior had rubbed off on me.  Erica laughed, "I think I can make it work."  I shrugged and headed for my 'bed'.  At least I had the pillows and blanket I'd taken from my world; they made things slightly more bearable.

Once I returned to my place in the field, I reached for Erica again.  This time she happily let me hold her as I lay down, draping her over my chest once I settled in.  She sat cross legged on top of me, eyes searching me over in thought.  Excitement danced through them — eager and enticing — yet every time she reached to make an advance, she was cut off by the sheer scale of me.  Erica wasn't quite sure how to go about doing this, and neither was I.  

(Stop here for sfw version and scroll down to the next break)

I mean, what exactly can we do?  Whatever I try to do might be too much, and whatever she does-  My thoughts were interrupted by featherlight touch.  Erica had sidled up to my face, sitting draped in front of it in a half-laying position.  Gently. she took my chin in her hands.  I could feel her breath on my lips right before she plastered them to her own.  My hand slowly lifted as she began to kiss me, pulling her closer.  Soon, I had her pinned in my palms while I barraged her with my love.

Erica could barely breathe between my lips and had to tap out on occasion lest she run out of breath.  For a moment she would sit on my chest, panting while she caught her breath, before jumping right back in again.  She gave so much to reciprocate the love I gave to her.  I asked if I was becoming too much while she was taking a breather, but she only shook her head.  "Naw, if anything, you should be worried about not loving me hard enough."  

We continued as the sky darkened and night settled on the other-world.  I could just barely feel her lips pressing into the bottom of mine, or her miniscule tongue brush the tip of my own.  The difference in our scale made things slightly more challenging, but we slowly worked out a method that satisfied both of us.

I couldn't see much in the almost total darkness out in the field, so it became a bit harder for me to find her, but Erica would pull me gently to herself if need be.  As I gave her a particularly open-mouthed kiss, she slowly guided my lips lower until they brushed exposed stomach.  Erica had used the time during her recuperation moments to cast off the upper layers of her clothing, and until then, I hadn’t even noticed.  I flinched away in momentary shock, but Erica reached up to guide me back.  

“It’s.. It’s ok.  I want it; don’t worry about me.”  I squinted in the dark, trying to read her expression.  “Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly.  Erica nodded, settling firmly in my palms.  More carefully than before, I tested the soft surface.  Erica groaned quietly as my tongue slid across her torso — her whole ribcage between my lips.  I took in the smallness of her little body, sliding gently into my jaws.  Her miniscule fingers gripped tight fistfuls of my palm as I continued to love her.  Erica shivered against my teeth, her back arching slightly as she gave another softer whine.  “That’s.. good, yeah,” she huffed, chest shrinking and expanding between my lips.

Slowly, I found myself becoming less and less hesitant.  Moving up a bit, I felt my tongue slide over tiny rises of soft skin.  Her bra had disappeared as well.  My heart skipped a beat in my chest. Slowly pressing my lips back to her face, I licked at her breasts, gently testing my teeth on them as well.  Erica cried out and the thrill dissolved.  I immediately began to back off, frightened that I’d hurt her or scared her.  Before I could get more than a few inches away, Erica sat up quickly and grabbed my chin.  Bringing my lips up to her chest, Erica stuffed her breasts between them.  “Don’t you dare fucking stop now.”  Her voice was slurred with heavy breaths and intense pleasure.

Unable to speak with her so close, I didn’t bother trying to reply.  I continued on with what I’d been doing before, and soon enough I had her pinned against my lips again, only this time it was her chest pressed between them.  I let my tongue slowly drag across her torso from the bottom up — tasting her in an entirely new sense of the word.  Her stomach was squishy soft against the surface of my tongue, now coated thickly with saliva.  My tastebuds managed to catch on her nipples before sliding up the rest of the way, and Erica gasped another pleased cry.  A smug sense of satisfaction came over me as I heard Erica get louder; her gasps and whines made quite the little symphony.  Wow, I wonder how it feels.

As I sat back to take a breath, I finally had the time to comprehend that Erica’s top half was completely exposed.  Her nudity was doing something to me beyond recognition.  Sure, I’d tried a few things with her before, but none of them were nearly as much as this.  Gently, I lifted her into my hand.  With delicate touch, I passed my fingers over Erica’s bare chest, tracing details that I hadn’t been able to before.  The tiniest breasts lightly pressed against the pads of my fingers, sliding gently beneath my reverent touch.  Erica let out a gasping groan and managed to sit up to look at me.  “You- You feel so good on me,” she breathed.  

As gently as I could, I pressed one of her breasts between two fingers, gently stroking it with the pad of my thumb before trailing down to her stomach.  “And you’re.. so soft,” I replied, voice dropping to a whisper of awe.  She let out a tiny sigh, wriggling slightly in my delicate grasp.  I smiled, raising her up just slightly to see her better in the dark.  After a brief moment where I found myself staring, I remembered my own shirt was still on.  It seemed only fair that I should take it off as well.

I swear I heard Erica giggling as I slid the fabric of my top out from beneath her.  I had to move her to my stomach to slip it off, though.  Letting out a small groan, Erica stretched out across my bare torso.  "Oh fuck yeah," she exclaimed huskily, soaking up the warmth of my skin, "I'm sleeping right here tonight."  "Lucky," I teased, "I'm saving you the horrors of sleeping in the dirt."  I hadn’t even taken off anything more, and already she was down for the count.

Erica chuckled as I lay my head back.  I could feel her shifting around somewhere beyond my vision, getting comfortable for the night.  It was a strange and exhilarating sensation.  The muscles in my chest contracted with each tiny movement Erica made.  I couldn't help but wonder, again, how it felt; her body rose and fell gently with each breath I took.  She made a disgruntled noise after I let out a particularly breathy sigh.

"You alright down there?" I asked jokingly.  "Yeah," she answered distractedly; a short silence followed.  "It's amazing," Erica whispered in awe, "I can hear your heartbeat.  I can hear the air rushing through your lungs…  Something about it just feels right to me.  I like having you be my everything," she said, her voice softening.  "I can worry less about other stuff and just.. be me."  

I smiled blissfully.  "The real you seems a lot cooler than the old you," I agreed, "Though, she is a bit bossy."  Erica snorted, shoving me playfully as she rolled over.  “Plus, the old you would never let me do this.”  Erica shrieked before erupting into giggles as my fingers descended over her, picking her up and smothering her with a large kiss. I continued along down her body, stopping with a delicate kiss to her abdomen. Faintly, I could hear Erica gasping for breath as she squirmed around in my hands. She was finished only after I managed to kiss every last part of her, clothed or otherwise.

(Continue here, Erica and Alexis had some nsfw shenanigans, and now Erica’s laying on top of Alexis’ stomach)

As the night wore on, both of us drifted into a peaceful sleep.  I had to sacrifice my blanket so as not to smother Erica with it, but that's a price I was more than willing to pay.  I had a momentary epiphany — taking in the fact that Erica, an actual human person only three-and-a-half-inches tall, was sleeping sprawled out on a hand's length of my torso.  Sleeping together like this, we were technically a couple now, weren’t we?  Well, we’d been a couple for a while, actually.

Honestly, it was really fucking amazing, but who knew how everyone else might react.  Thankfully no one came all the way out to the field I slept in, especially at night, but still.  Ivan — small, sweet Ivan — was oblivious to it.  As was my family.  Imagine that family introduction, I thought distractedly.  "Hey everyone, this is my tiny girlfriend from another world who I've actually known for years, but none of you knew I could travel across alternate realities to begin with, so I hope this isn't too jarring for you."  

I smiled at my imaginary scenario, and how baffled everyone would be.  I tried to think of anyone else who might not have expected this.  There's John.  I huffed in disgust at the mere thought of him, causing Erica to shift in her sleep.  I glanced down at her, making sure I hadn't accidently jostled her awake.  Sowly, my thoughts shifted back to Erica’s ex.  Ugh.  He’d probably turn over in his rubble-filled grave at the sight of us.  At this, I gave a satisfied smile and placed a hand protectively over Erica.  I would do anything and everything to keep our relationship from deteriorating as badly as hers and John’s had.

I love Erica with all my heart.  It hurts me to even think about losing her like that.  I almost did at the lake.  My sour thoughts were interrupted by another small shift on my chest.  Erica unconsciously snuggled into the warmth of my hand on top of her, and I gently slid my thumb into her arms, watching lovestruck as she snuggled it to her chest.  If I could only take a picture of that moment.  Erica would be embarrassed forever if anyone else saw her like this but me.  Her little cuddly form was the last thing I saw before I drifted to sleep.

[quaranmine]

iirc you're in tx. im also in tx. it's unlikely u spent $40 in tolls bc when you opened the account you would've given them a certain prepaid amount like $20 or so

what most likely happened is that you were low in the account and needed to reload but did not since obviously forgot the password

so you went on your trip to and fro most likely put you underneath by maybe $20 like depending on how far you were traveling and how many tolls you hit

and then to reinstate the account cuz I do this multiple times cuz I'm stupid it's an additional $20 on top of it where you pay off whatever you're under then an additional $20 to have you keep in the account so you're not like at zero

THIS makes sense to me thank you. I definitely prepaid some amount. I just don't use them all that much or use small cheap sections so it's been a while since I paid the first time. I think you're right that it probably charged me extra so I could have some money in the account still.

I'll have to log back into my account to try and see what the truth is lol

[waywardstation]

I love the train of thought au! I hate Tumblr though, especially mobile Tumblr. Had to scroll for 30~20 minutes to reach the bottom of the tag. (Mobile Tumblr reloaded at least a few times and I almost threw my phone. I think I cried twice in frustration.)

I am absolutely foaming at the mouth because I've always liked the way Ingo and Emmet get presented, the characterizations are just so... Mwah 🤭.

For some reason the only thing I could think about after spending an entire night reading that wall of posts was the concept of big brother Ingo.

Sorry if I'm ranting here, it really has nothing pertaining to the au at all but I hate this concept, especially the societal concept that the older brother takes care of the younger one. Twins especially since they are usually born minutes from each other and that really doesn't mean anything different in experience.

Yes, Emmet is younger but I've always pictured him as the headstrong one that stands up for Ingo more often than not. (Honestly that's the vibe they give off collectively). I like to think of them as not in a big brother, little brother dynamic but a "we been through so much shit together we support each other fully" dynamic. I do understand why people like using it though.

Wait, what was this post about again? I swear I'm not trying to negatively rant right after bringing up stuff that plagued my mind while reading. I guess all I want to say is thank you for hosting this wonderful community au on your blog.

Expect Tumblr crabs in your blog later on. This is a warning.

Hey there OP! Glad you like it, I do too!!! (Still working on that masterpost ^^;) and apologies with tumblr mobile, I know it’s not the best with optimization!

I’m putting a readmore below because I got a lot more detailed than I intended to, regarding Ingo and Emmet’s sibling dynamic.

I like your views because it really isn’t as black and white (ha) as all that. I am a twin myself, the younger between us (and also by a few minutes) and throughout our lives it certainly has gone back and forth with us, but there’s really no definite position of looking after the other, just like with any other sibling relationship.

Given how Ingo and Emmet are, I imagine their dynamic very similar to what you’re talking about, being each others’ full supporters. Multiple lines in Masters EX show this, like these few from Emmet:

"Ingo and I are twins. We're both Subway Bosses, and we're each other's closest rival! We always challenge each other to get better. That's the kind of relationship we have! It's always a lot of fun when we're together!"

However, I feel like Ingo might feel… I don’t want to say obligated, because it’s certainly not work, and he knows very well Emmet can fend for himself, but perhaps inclined (pressured? By himself??) to carry through with what’s normally expected of an older brother. He might feel like he should look out for Emmet when he can:

“My younger brother, Emmet, would always entertain passengers on the Battle Subway... Now he is enjoying being a host here on Pasio. However, he's still new to this style of hospitality. Would you mind keeping an eye on him?"

And this might be somewhat spurred by the fact that Emmet looks up to Ingo, which I am sure Emmet has made Ingo aware of - he just might not want to let Emmet down:

"Do you have any siblings? I have an older brother, Ingo. He's verrrry strong. He hardly ever loses in Pokémon battles. Even though I also hold the title of Subway Boss, I really look up to him."

I do feel Emmet is very ready to support Ingo as well, seeing as how in their story event in Masters EX, Emmet was trying very hard to help Ingo with a project of theirs:

"I want to make Ingo’s idea a reality! Please, let me do this!"

And regarding your thoughts that of the two, Emmet is more headstrong, I feel similarly, and think he would always very clearly stand up for Ingo when needed.

I do headcanon that growing up, Emmet was more outgoing than Ingo (and that this led him to meeting Elesa, the new exchange student at their school, and taking her over to Ingo to introduce her to him, since he was more reserved and shy - not terribly so, but more so than Emmet)

ALL IN ALL - both Ingo and Emmet fully support and help each other out whenever they need it. And while Ingo might feel pressured by himself to look out for Emmet as the older brother, Emmet naturally does it for Ingo just as much, if not a little more, simply due to his outgoing nature

To try and tie this back to Train of Thought AU, I’m sure Akari and Irida would see a lot of moments expressing this dynamic of theirs in the many memory traincars throughout the mind station.

AND MG Emmet himself is pretty much a monument to this. MG Emmet is doing everything he can to keep Ingo safe from the Remnant and to protect him, even at his own expense to some degree. MG Emmet might only be a mental projection of how Ingo sees his brother, but the fact that MG Emmet is doing that means Ingo knows Emmet would do things like that for him, and he would.

Thanks for your ask OP!!! Very glad you like the AU, and happy you gave me a chance to go into all of this - I did not expect to dissect things like I did haha.

(And tumblr crabs? oh boy!!! Those would be my first!!)