#and refusal to help us while they played a savior role while purposely preventing us from getting out of the situation

[sastielsfandom]

It's amazing how quickly people can perceive and pick up on other people's trauma but cannot do it for themselves because of how we cope, we can twist our reality into something more manageable for years, and then one day it hits.

[bouvillea]

G25 Part 2 Essay, Very Dense

There is very little I will say as a preamble besides that Part 2 was a very powerful conclusion to an extremely climatic arc. That being said, spoilers below and my Part 1 essay can be found here.

I will start by saying that although I am quite satisfied with this ending I wish things could have ended differently. This is the first time we were given antagonists who were actual individuals we had to overcome. And in doing so, we were faced with people who had powerful reasons and motivations to sacrifice for. That is something I will come back to later so—

In a broad overview of the plot of Part 2, we were given an uplifting reunion with Talvish, who claims that his decisions and choices were made with the Milletian’s best interests in mind. And it’s nice* to work together after so long, to finally have him fulfill the promise of being with the Milletian at the very end. There is a sweet moment where the roles are reversed and the Milletian asks him if he is alright. Instead of being asked to trust him, he wholeheartedly puts his trust in the Milletian.

*if you know me even just a little, you know I simp hard for this man and let me tell you I went from “I will be the first one to punch him” to “please don’t go” in a matter of minutes

And then, when everything is rewound and the Milletian is able to protect their friends and prevent the worst possible ending, all the Good Guys have a Good Time. This is of course, glossing over the fact that Deirbhile sacrificed herself, Tani dying with a finality that Milletians shouldn’t have, Piran falling apart, Treasure Hunter breaking down, and Marleid conflicted over what to do with her extremely Problematic Childhood Friend.

We still got to have a good time! We got to revel with our friends! Speak with everyone and catch up and talk and chat and eat and—

It was nice but I am very bitter because those good times only emphasized how different it ended for Cethlenn and Vayne.

If Part 1 was about trauma, Part 2 was about breaking out of predestiny and walking a different path that was set before you. This comes quite literally when Talvish appears and rewinds time* to save the Milletian from the future he saw. He (and later, Hymerark) reveals to us something that touches the fourth wall:

*not sure why I was so surprised that he could manipulate time in such a way when the Milletian’s first meeting with him was through time. Maybe I just thought it was through the Milletian’s powers that they managed to communicate but clearly Talvish’s powers were doing something.         Oh dang it makes sense why he isolated himself in a desert for centuries now…because he can’t affect time that he has been personally involved in

The ability to redo main storyline missions when we fail them is quite literally the Milletian, breaking the flow of time to try again until we succeed. Due to the nature of altering timelines, those uninvolved with the messing of time don’t remember all the previous attempts. Later, it is revealed that all our redoes and failures have a negative impact on Erinn; it increases the entropy in the world as different realities are created and then stopped. Tani is a result of that.

It is further revealed that Vayne⁠—or I should say now, Beimnech, is a singularity who experiences all these timelines and realities. He must return to Mag Tuireadh whenever the flow of time breaks because it is the role he has been forced into by Hymerark. He is the counterpoint for Talvish. The two are diametrically opposed, canonical foils with mirroring ideals and views of the world. Beimnech mentions during Eternal Dreams that he has seen Milletians fail to convince Talvish* to change his mind about the world, or fail to garner enough faith in their friends. In the current timeline, Talvish is enlightened by the Milletian and so takes control of his fate and chooses to rewind time instead of having it cut off and restart.

*It is implied that Talvish also experiences the different timelines over and over again, but he forgets it the moment the timeline is replaced with a new one. Alternatively, Beimnech is also taken out of time and space whenever the flow is broken, so the cycles are even more unbearable because he is forced to witness them as an outsider.

Beimnech did not have the liberty of meeting the Milletian before he met Hymerark. Unlike Talvish, he could not surround himself with equal companions and could not hope for a life where he was not just fulfilling a role to balance the world. The only way he could have some control over his own fate as cycles repeated over and over again was to orchestrate his own death*. He remarked before in G24 that had he and the Milletian walked different paths, they could have been friends and not enemies. Both he and Talvish see the Milletian as a savior—as a guiding, bright light. But while Talvish burned alongside the Milletian, Beimnech burned out like dying embers** or a shadow too weak to hold up against illumination.

*maybe it’s selfish, but who can blame him when he only has himself? I seethe with the unfairness of characters that have no choice but to be the “darkness” to contrast the “light”. The “what could have been if things were different” hurts as do the inability to break free from what was laid out. I seethe, but that means the story is doing as intended and I am by no means criticizing, just empathizing (I’d highkey write something like this ngl I am a ball of angst).

**the refrain that plays when the Milletian is prompted to deal the final blow to Beimnech is called The Last of the Heat Fades/Residual Heat Fades Away.

Beimnech’s disappointment in the Milletian in Part 1 is suddenly very understandable. He had pinned all his hopes in one person and he knew they were going to fail. We even saw him return to end the Corrupted Milletian in the future that we never got to witness. He did for the Milletian what he hoped they would do to him*. And then for once, to have time rewind instead of abruptly ending? I can’t imagine…

*I chose to not stab him. Apparently that gives you more of his backstory. Regardless of the decision, when he tells you he lies for the first and last time about his death…

Something can be said about Cethlenn, too, who was “emptied out” by Fodla. His current name, Cethlenn, was given to him by Beimnech, which honestly if you know your myth and lore spawns so much food for thought*. Speaking to Cethlenn in Tech Duinn on Saturdays reveals that Beimnech gave him that name because he always wanted a right-hand man with that name. Whatever that implies to the nature of their relationship… If you have the time, please, please speak to him with all the keywords at your disposal. It’s worth it.

*another food for thought includes Sera being the one to help Piran escape and Beimnech noticing that. Beimnech being Super Old and Super Tired with so much bottled up Memories and Experience like the opposite of Talvish With a Purpose okay one day I will actually write a whole essay about their foils⁠—

Ultimately, Cethlenn is given the choice to be the watcher in the mists of Feth Fiada. He acknowledges his crimes* and so he refuses to exit (except on Samhain aka Saturday). He is openly antagonistic towards everyone except Marleid, which is understandable. He thinks he has tied Marleid down. Further conversations with him in Tech Duinn reveal that he’s pugnacious and as eager as Vayne once was to spar with the Milletian. He’s also very easy to bully. He implies that in the future, he may recover the powers he lost in his deal with Hymerark and will use those powers for the greater good so…more Cethlenn content in the future? Hopefully?

*what worried me the most at the end of G24 was that I could not see how he or Vayne could be redeemed. I would scoop them up in a heartbeat. But could my Milletian? Could the people of Erinn? Obviously not.

I know I brought up the concept of escaping predestiny and then dropped it like a hot potato so I’ll do some quick rundowns now of other examples. Enya realizing that she can have a life beyond just staying in her sanctum and caring for the Holy Flame, Piran gathering the courage to recognize his own existence is worth something,  Hymerark* realizing that there is no reason to continue to mess around with people and she can just observe. I’ve rewatched the conversation the Milletian has with Hymerark after the battle and I don’t even know where to start…Talvish remarked that she’s the closest in resemblance to Aton Cimeni’s will since she balances both freedom and chaos. Maybe these higher gods were never meant to have sentience or conscience because the moment they do, they make decisions and bam the whole world is a mess.

*the Milletian seem to do this to all the gods, huh?

My current understanding of things is that the Evil God Balor was created by Aton Cimeni as a counterpoint for Talvish, who is the Guardian, the sentinel of Erinn. Why? For Balance of course. But you can’t just create someone to be evil. Somewhere in between, Aton Cimeni stops answering and while Talvish plots machinations for the future he saw, Balor’s disdain for his role grows and eventually beefs it in a fight with Lugh at the battle of Mag Tuireadh. His body is dead, but his spirit remains, picked up by Hymerark to be the…plug stopping Noitar Arat. I imagine Hymerark also faced the same struggle that Talvish did of attempting to carry out duties imparted on them by their creator but yet new to independence and the weight of their responsibilities that now fell on their shoulders. Hymerark expresses her faint indecision of hearing the wishes of everyone. There will always be conflict in decisions.

Meanwhile, Talvish realizes that the balance has shifted in the absence of the Evil God Balor and so the events of G21 happen, where he attempts to recreate the balance with his own hands and summon something to replace Balor. While this fails, Hymerark tries to do the same again by corrupting the Milletian and making them the final obstacle to correct the unending cycle that, frankly, started because of her.

In G25 Part 1, Vayne mentions that Aton Cimeni will always have a solution. I suppose in this case, he was talking about how even if he were to disappear completely, someone will always take his place. Just like how Triona’s role was passed on to Millia, a new darkness grows. Not without repercussion, of course. Something is coming and that’s for G26.

In the final confrontation with Beimnech, he offers the Milletian a choice to either kill him now and escape, or perish together with him in the rift. He mentions that in the end, we are all forgotten anyway. I don’t think that is the case. The Milletian lives and the memories of everyone they’ve fought with lives with them. That is their burden. Not everyone can walk a righteous path. Sometimes, desperate individuals seek the wrong help and I like to think that the Milletian recognizes that it isn’t just black and white, and that they are fortunate to have found the right people. Things are just going to get rougher for the Milletian because they’re also a guardian of Erinn, which begs the question: who is the counterpoint for the Milletian? Does one even exist? Does there need to be one?

Instead of ending on such a gloom and doom note, I’ll go full circle and talk about Llywelyn again and his mentions of a sibling again? And also tea time?? 10/10 would fake date Llywelyn just for the court gossip. (LF > political intrigue comic ft. Milletian and Llywelyn dating like it’s 17th century France) Also Llywelyn being the next captain of the Elved Squad?? Tried to imagine him in Talvish’s armor and as I type this I realize they won’t do something stupid like that they’ll just change the emblem on his armor. Alright I think that’s it I’m hitting 2.3k words so—

Oh right something something the Aces go off somewhere again just as Hunter was going to say something…can we get a base for them please? So we can just visit them? So they don’t just pop in and out of the Milletian’s life? Thanks.

I’m about to get super sappy so readers, feel free to skip all of this. I’ve been playing mabi for about 11 years at this point and it has been a long ride. I didn’t start writing these rants and essays until G21 and I also started drawing in earnest about mabi around the same time with comics and fanart. I don’t participate much in the community as a whole because I am an anxiously overthinking person. It’s no surprise that I found comfort characters in mabi and so I return here again and again (not that I’ve ever really left). We’re getting a new game director after G25 and I am extremely grateful for all he has done for the game. And in the same vein, I’m thankful to all of you reading this. There’s no point in creating content when there is no audience, especially when I am as reclusive as I am. So, to my new readers: thanks for coming along. And to my old fans: thanks for sticking around. Until the next chapter!

[micklikethejagger]

I’m about to turn 25. I’ve lived so much life in these twenty five years that I don’t even believe that number. The author really crammed a lot of battles and misfortunes into that time. If I were narrating my story in real time, I would be as unreliable as Patrick Bateman. Not to say I'm a psychopath, but I have darkness that I hide from the world so it's a fitting simile. The mechanisms that shield me are the ones that make it impossible to follow along. Lucky for you, and I suppose for me as well, I can tell this narrative retrospectively through a disjointed collection of stories. 

I believe in balance, or the law of averages. Pain and pleasure are balanced forces that will eventually counteract one another and offer equal opportunity with each. If this is true, then the next twenty five years will be pure ecstacy for me. Is this hope? Based on the eerie start to this narrative, it's easy to assume that I'm a grumpy miscreant lacking positivity who draws power from misery and misfortune. This simply isn't the case. Yes I am those things, or I once was, but that's only a portion of my palate. I am many things, the least of which being that I’m a hopeful, optimistic sap. 

It’s also possible that I just need my struggle to mean something. If I can channel my life into some more noble pursuit, it will make all of the suffering I’ve endured to keep my heart beating for these twenty five years somehow worth the fight. Like the pain is more digestible if there’s a cause. Since I don’t believe in any creator or deity, I had to come up with my own purpose. The purpose that keeps me fighting and brings me to peace with my past is to be what I always needed. My past is written and there’s no amount of rumination or substance that will change that. It exists as a part of my story.

I don’t believe in miracles, 

or any kind of magic.

There isn’t much that I can change, 

which is super fucking tragic.

I wrote that when I was dwelling on some tragedy. It was mildly out of anger but mostly about acceptance. Accepting that things are a certain way and I have no control. But that isn’t true. I do have control. I can change a lot. I might not be able to change the beginning of my story but I can sure as hell change the end. And I’m capable of changing someone else’s story. I didn’t have a positive role model as a child. When I was in third or fourth grade, we were given an assignment to write about the person who inspires us. I remember being dumbfounded and spending a lot of time synthesizing a character for my paper. No one made me feel powerful. No one made me feel heard. No one made me feel like anything worthwhile. No one made me feel calm--a feeling that I now associate with love. I also remember being beaten for not choosing my mother to write this paper about. I was a bad daughter, and a bad person, for not choosing her. I now know this wasn’t my fault. It was unfair and there’s nothing I could have done to change it. No amount of perfect actions could have changed the way I was treated. 

I needed a protector. I needed compassion. I needed someone, anyone, to look at me and understand. That I was a product of my circumstances. That I wanted to be good but didn't know how. That I wanted to be loved but didn't know how. That I was a child. The problem, I've come to realize, is that people struggle to empathize with situations they're unfamiliar with. The reason no one was able to help me, is because the only people who understand what hell looks like are the ones who have been there. And unfortunately, a lot don't make it back. At least in any condition to be what I needed. The ones who are swallowed by the depths of hell, struggle to find their road home, if ever. I've taken every wrong turn to find my footing, but I'm making my way. I'm climbing the walls as fast as I can, though I haven't reached the top. The really great thing about being on the wall, as I put it, is that I am in a perfect place to bridge the gap to the surface. I can be what I always needed for someone else. I can be the person who looks and understands. I can help someone at the bottom of the well start their climb. This was my mission for a long time--to help other people find their road home. But I've since realized that I don't want to simply help people find their way home. I want to be the reason someone finds peace in their little world before it falls. I want to be the reason a child chooses to look for hope rather than turning to drugs or men that don't appreciate her. I want to help prevent the spiral. I'm a teacher. I give love to everyone who crosses my path. I give understanding to the downtrodden. And I give forgiveness to the lost. I don't want to be a savior, I want to be a protector. I don't need to be a hero, I just need to change some child's story so they don't overdose on the mistakes of other people and carry the weight of an abuser's insecurities. If I can change a single child's path, my pain is not in vain. If I can offer one person a pocket of serenity in the chaos of their world, I will feel peace in my struggle. 

I can tolerate the trials as quests that will prepare me to fight the boss stage. The quests can be irritating. They might use too much of your resources. They can seem pointless. They might take so long that you forget what your main objective is, but they help you unlock new skills and powers. I’m scoffing at this metaphor because it’s lame and reads like a tacky Andrew Lloyd Webber play but I refuse to delete it. I’m currently in the part of the game where you’ve just reached the person you need to find; you sit back and watch the dialogue while you shove all the Doritos in your mouth before you have to fight something else. It’s nice to take a break from button mashing but I still need to concentrate. I still need to turn up the volume so I can hear over the sound of chips crunching. It’s no holiday but it’s different. And different is good. I spent way too much time on this comparison but it was a necessary digression. 

Welcome twenty five.