#and real adults dont need presents they just need a special little dinner

[knight-engale]

So I went to an amusement park today right. It was a whole disaster but that's a different story. Anyway I get home and I'm (trying to) talk to my mother about my day and she says

"You're a lot braver than I was at your age, I never would've done that" (as in gone out all day 30+ miles away from home)

And I'm sitting there thinking about how when she was my age she'd been married for two years and had a baby (me)

Idk there's not really a point to this story I'm just...thinking a lot I guess. How much different my life is from hers at the same age

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[fear-god-shun-evil]

How Do Christians Approach Christmas to Be After the Lord’s Will?

By Siyuan

The Origins of Christmas

Every year, as Christmas approaches, shops on the street arrange a dazzling display of Christmas presents, with Santa Claus and Christmas trees, and so on. Festooned in trees and on buildings there are many-colored lights, and whole cities are decorated with lanterns and colored hangings, and everywhere there is joy and excitement. To Christianity, Christmas is a very special holiday, and several months before Christmas, many churches will begin to busy themselves preparing everything necessary for the Christmas holiday. On Christmas Day, the churches are filled, and brothers and sisters get involved in the celebrations, eating Christmas dinner, putting on performances and worshiping the Lord Jesus, and so on. Everyone’s face is flushed with happiness. However, when we get together in joyous gatherings to celebrate the Lord Jesus’ birth, do we understand the meaning of Christmas? Perhaps brothers and sisters will say, “The Lord Jesus was nailed upon the cross to redeem all mankind, and so as to remember and celebrate the Lord Jesus’ birth, Christians established Christmas. Though the specific day on which the Lord Jesus was born is not recorded in the Bible, Christmas gradually became a universal holiday in the wake of the expansion of Jesus Christ’s gospel.” We may have known this, but do we know God’s love and His will for us that was actually hidden behind the birth of the Lord Jesus? And how should we approach Christmas in a way that is after the Lord’s heart?

The Lord Jesus Was Born Because of God’s Love and Salvation of Mankind

In the beginning, Jehovah worked in the form of the Spirit amongst man, He used Moses to proclaim His laws and commandments, He guided mankind how to live on earth, He let people know what was good and what was evil, how to worship God, and so on. But when the Age of Law was coming to its end, because mankind was being corrupted by Satan ever more deeply, man could not adhere to the laws and there were no longer enough sin offerings they could make that could expiate their sins; people faced the danger of being condemned and sentenced to death by the laws at any time. God couldn’t bear to see mankind, which He’d made with His own hands, be destroyed in such a way. To allow mankind to survive, therefore, God came down from heaven and incarnated as the Lord Jesus Christ, He appeared and performed His works, He expressed the way of “Repent: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand” (Matthew 4:17), He taught people to be tolerant, patient and to love their enemies, and to forgive people seventy times seven times. He also healed the sick and cast out demons, and performed many signs and wonders and, in the end, He was nailed to the cross, thus redeeming mankind from their sins. So long as we accept the Lord Jesus as our Savior and sincerely pray to the Lord, confessing our sins and repenting, then our sins are forgiven, and we can enjoy peace, joy and all the abundance of grace that comes from the Lord. It can be said that, only because the Lord Jesus was born and God personally incarnated to perform the work of redemption, was mankind able to evade the condemnation and the fetters of the law, and so was no longer subject to being condemned or sentenced to death. Only because the Lord Jesus was born, those who followed Him were able to enjoy real peace and joy. Even more so, only because the Lord Jesus was born, and the Spirit of God materialized in an ordinary body, using the language of mankind to speak His utterances, do we know more clearly from the Lord’s words God’s will and His requirements for man, we can have a newer, higher practice, and our relationship with God can be ever closer. That which lay behind the Lord Jesus’ coming to earth, His expressing the truth and completing the work of the crucifixion, was filled with God’s painstaking efforts to save mankind—it was God’s love and mercy toward us corrupted mankind!

What the Lord Jesus’ Will and Requirements for Us Are

Although, when the Lord Jesus concluded the work of redemption, He resurrected and ascended into heaven, in order to remember His birth, many people organize evening parties at Christmas, they put on performances and celebrate the Lord Jesus’ birth. But have we ever been aware of what the meaning of Christmas is, and what the Lord Jesus’ will and requirements for us are? What exactly should we do to satisfy God and to earn His praise?

The Lord Jesus said: “The hour comes, when you shall neither in this mountain, nor yet at Jerusalem, worship the Father. … But the hour comes, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeks such to worship him” (John 4:21, 23). We understand from the Lord Jesus’ words that the Lord hopes for us to worship God in spirit and in truth, and not rigidly adhere to all manner of formalities or get involved in activities. The Pharisees, chief priests and scribes in the temple in olden days focused only on engaging in various religious ceremonies and clinging to rules. Every day, they made offerings to worship God, but they paid little heed to putting God’s words into practice, nor did they follow Jehovah’s commandments, so much so that they even abandoned God’s commandments and adhered only to the traditions of man. In the end, not only did they not earn God’s praise, but they were hated and cursed by the Lord Jesus. If churches now hold big Christmas celebrations, it’s just a momentary flourish of excitement; everyone gathers together in joy and happiness, but we don’t truly worship the Lord, or use this opportunity to understand His will or gain knowledge of Him, and so we won’t receive the Lord Jesus’ approval. In fact, from when the Lord Jesus officially began His work to when He completed His work of redemption, He expressed many truths and laid many requirements on us. The Lord’s will is to hope that we will all focus on putting His words into practice, and keep to His teachings at all times, in all places, no matter what issues or people we may encounter. This is what the Lord requires of us, and it is the most fundamental principle of practice for those of us who believe in God. Just as the Lord Jesus said: “If you continue in my word, then are you my disciples indeed” (John 8:31), “You are my friends, if you do whatever I command you” (John 15:14). It can therefore be seen that, in our normal lives and in our dealings with other people, it is of the utmost importance to focus on practicing in accordance with the Lord’s words, for this is something which those who genuinely believe in God and worship God must achieve most of all.

Are We Truly Worshiping the Lord?

Now, many brothers and sisters come to church at Christmas to celebrate the Lord Jesus’ birth, to pray together, read the Bible together, and to sing the Lord’s praises together. But the rest of the time, we’re busy with our own jobs and careers or with interacting with other people. Very seldom do we quieten ourselves before the Lord and pray-read His words or seek to understand His will. Some brothers and sisters often attend meetings, but they seldom practice and experience the Lord’s words in their lives, they still live in sin, and their sins grow apace. For example, the Lord Jesus requires that we be humble and mild, but as we get along and work together with co-workers and with brothers and sisters in the church, we are dominated by our arrogant dispositions, we see our own views and ideas as perfect and we defend ourselves, and we are incapable of getting along peaceably with others. The Lord Jesus requires that we learn to forgive others and to love others as we love ourselves. But when others infringe upon our interests, we feel aggrieved, so much so that we live within the poisonous dispositions of Satan, and we judge and condemn other people. The Lord Jesus requires that we set ourselves apart from worldly people, but in our pursuit of worldly fame, status and physical pleasures, we follow the evil trends of the world, we live in sin and we grow farther and farther apart from the Lord. These are just a few examples of how we fail to live up to the Lord’s requirements. Although we place a lot of importance on keeping religious ceremonies, and we focus on being thankful for the Lord’s salvation and we praise the Lord on the specific days of various holidays, yet we do not follow the Lord’s way and we often live in sin. Is this how we worship the Lord Jesus? Can the Lord truly praise us for this? Take when parents raise their child to be an adult, for example. If the child is truly sensible and filial, they will take care to know what their parents like and what they don’t like, and whenever they do anything for their parents, they will always know what to do to please them. But if all they do is hold a big banquet on their parents’ birthdays, and just say, “I love you, mom and dad!” and when their parents really need them, they’re too busy with their own lives to fulfill their filial responsibilities, can they be said to be truly filial?

How to Conform to God’s Will and Earn His Praise

If we want to become people who truly worship God and earn His praise, the key is to practice in accordance with God’s words, to exalt God in our hearts, to focus on following the Lord’s way in all things, to put the Lord’s words first, and to use what we actually live out to bear testimony to God and glorify God. Of course, some brothers and sisters gather together at Christmas to sing hymns and praise the Lord, to exchange with each other our experiences and knowledge of practicing the Lord’s words in our lives, to support and help each other resolve issues in our spiritual lives, and to close the distance between ourselves and God, and this also conforms with God’s will. Moreover, when Christmas is approaching, there are now many western countries which organize charitable events for persecuted Christians and homeless people, and which gather together people in search of shelter and persecuted Christian refugees from all over the world so that they can exchange experiences with each other, thus enabling them to feel God’s warmth in the freezing cold of winter. These are also things which God shall remember. In short, the holiday itself is not important and all the various ceremonies are not important. What are most important are the Lord Jesus’ words and the things He requires of us. To be able to have a God-fearing heart and to seek the Lord’s will in all things, to practice the Lord’s words and to satisfy the Lord by meeting His requirements—this is what is most important. Only by practicing in this way do we truly worship the Lord Jesus and earn His praise.

Thanks be to the enlightenment and guidance of God, and may He be with us all!