#and question why there is a value judgement made on one versus the other

[cringelock]

some fun news

this year’s depaul pop culture conference is themed around sherlock holmes and i’m going to be one of the people presenting!!!!!!

i’m so excited i might yark on the rug but anyway. the subject of my paper is going to be about the line between fan and expert/scholar within sherlock holmes studies and the hierarchy therein. i’m probably going to talk about meta writing and maybe put william s baring-gould on blast, who knows! but i hope i will do our little hovel justice<3

also arwel is gonna be there. so there is that.

[cacophony-of-notions]

My feelings on a common misconception interpretation of Sam in “Slice Girls”: 

TL;DR Sam did not kill Emma as “revenge” and Dean was not ethically inconsistent in his actions with Emma versus Amy.

I have seen many times people claim that Sam killed Emma as “revenge” for Amy. I have seen both his antis and his hardcore stans say this (the latter as a means of “justifying” a decision Sam made that they traditionally wouldn’t stand behind… regardless of the fact that killing a kid to get revenge on his brother would paint him in a far worse light than taking the situation at face-value). 

In the same way that Dean killed Amy because he legitimately thought it was the right call, Sam killed Emma because he legitimately thought it was the right call. That’s it. Hate both of their decisions, agree with one but not the other, agree with neither… no matter what, I don’t think wanting “revenge” and taking that out on a child had anything to do with Sam’s actions. There are a few reasons why.

First, looking at the context of the season as a whole, Sam has been worried about Dean’s mental state for most of the season in much the same way that Dean has been worried about his, and accordingly, they didn't trust each other’s judgment fully. 

Dean killing Amy was to some extent, about not trusting Sam’s judgement due to his attachment to Amy and the metal state Sam had been in that season. Sam had been hallucinating and had also lied about it. So on top of not being sure if Sam could accurately grasp reality at any given time, him hiding it also made it very difficult for Dean to trust Sam to be honest if he was hallucinating, needed help, or needed to take a step back.

Sam’s decision to kill Emma was, likewise, to some extent, about not trusting Dean’s judgement due to his natural attachment to Emma as a father and Dean’s mental state that season. We see, on several occasions in season 7, Sam noting that Dean is drinking more alcohol than usual (which is saying something). Several times in the season, Sam expresses concern over this, to Bobby as well as to Dean directly. Sam’s lack of confidence in Dean is actually enough that, when Dean begins to notice things moving from where he left them and starts to suspect that Bobby is haunting them, Sam repeatedly and flippantly dismisses his observations and chalks all of it up to Dean drinking too much and grieving too hard and being an unreliable witness. 

Second, Sam and Dean came to an understanding about Amy in “The Mentalist”, and Sam ended up saying at the end of the episode that Dean’s actions made sense, and that he was right that Sam’s judgement couldn’t be trusted because he was too close to the situation emotionally. 

Season 7’s “The Mentalist” covers the confrontation between Sam and Dean over Amy, and Sam’s decision to work side by side with Dean again. There are two scenes—the initial blow up from Sam and Dean’s rebuttal, and then the resolution at the end of the episode. 

First the initial blow up and Dean’s rebuttal: 

Dean: We agreed to work the case. We didn’t agree for you to be a dick the whole time. 

Sam: What?

Dean: You’re pissed. Okay? And you’ve got a right. 

Sam: Yeah, damn straight. 

Dean: But enough’s enough. 

Sam: Says who? Look, I’ll work this damn case, but you lied to me, and you killed my friend. 

Dean:  No, I put down a monster who killed four people, and if you didn’t know her, you’d have done the same thing. 

Sam: I did know her, Dean.

Dean: Yeah, which is why you couldn’t do it. Look, I get it. There are certain people in this world, no matter how dangerous they are, you just can’t. 

Sam: Don’t pull that card! That’s bull! Look, if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that if something feels wrong, it probably is!

Dean: Usually, yeah. But killing Amy was not wrong. You couldn’t do it, so I did. That’s what family does—the dirty work. And I would have told you eventually, once I knew that this whole “waving a gun at Satan” thing was a one-time show. I think it’s reasonable to want to know that you’re off the friggin’ high dive, Sam. You almost got us both killed. So you can be pissed all you want, but quite being a bitch. 

Then there was the resolution at the end of the episode: 

Sam: Look, you know what... you were right—about Amy. If she was just any monster, I’m not sure I could have let her walk away. I dunno. I mean, I’ll never know. 

Dean: What are you saying?

Sam: What I’m saying is… I get why you did it. You were just trying to make sure no one else got hurt. But here’s the thing: you can’t just look me in the face and tell me you’re fine. I mean, you’re not sleeping, you drink for the record-

Dean: Oh here we go…

Sam: Look, whatever. Last one to preach. I know. But… just be honest with me. How are those the actions of someone who knows they did the right thing?

Dean: You want me to be honest?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: I went with my gut. And that felt right. I didn’t trust her, Sam. Of course, ever since Cas, I’m having trouble trusting anybody. And as far as how I’ve been acting… I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I don’t like lying to you. You know, it doesn’t feel right. So yeah, you got me there. I’ve been climbing the walls. 

Third, in context, when Sam brings up Amy in the car, it is to say Dean choked with Emma in the same way that Sam choked with Amy and it could have gotten him killed—not that killing Emma was somehow vengeance for Amy. See the conversation at the end of “Slice Girls”:

Sam: What did you say to me... when I was the one who choked? What did you say about Amy? “You said you kill the monster”!

Dean: I was going to!

Sam: Oh, like hell you were! You think I’m an idiot? 

Dean: What you think I am?!

Sam: Dean, you were gonna let her walk! 

Dean: No I wasn’t. That’s ridiculous! 

Sam: Look, man, she was not yours. Not really. 

Dean: Actually, she, uh, she was, really. She just also happened to be a crazy man-killing monster. But uh, hey-

Sam: You know what? Bobby was right. Your head’s not in it, man. When Cas died, you were wobbly, but now... 

Dean: Now what? Oh what, you’re dealing with it so perfect? Yeah, news flash, pal. You’re just as screwed up as I am! You’re just... bigger. 

Sam: What?!

Dean: I don't know!

Sam: Look... Dean, the thing is, tonight... it almost got you killed. Now, I don’t care how you deal. I really, really don’t. But just don’t...  don’t get killed. 

In no way does Sam suggest here that Dean “deserved” to have his kid shot in front of him as some kind of “payback”. In fact, that doesn't really make sense 

In the context of the conversation in “The Mentalist, where Sam said he understood why Dean felt the way he did about Amy. 

It also doesn’t make sense in the context fo Sam’s comment that Emma “wasn’t really yours”. If he did it to hurt Dean, he would have pressed into that relationship, not dismissed it. 

He lectured Dean because he was scared Dean wouldn't have been able to pull the trigger and would have gotten himself killed. It’s the same “are you off the high-dive?” lecture Dean gave him, it’s the same “I did the dirty work for you because you couldn’t”. The shot Sam took wasn’t hesitant, but it also wasn’t emotional. It was calculated and ruthless. It was a choice Sam made, that Emma could not be trusted. He made that call. And maybe he was right—maybe the brainwashing went too deep, and Emma would have come after Dean again if they let her go (which is probably what Sam was really worried about—that she would have gone after Dean again and gotten the drop on him or he wouldn’t have shot her), or maybe she would have come after someone else. Maybe Sam was wrong, and Emma could have been persuaded away from life in a cult. We can say the same about Dean killing Amy. All they had was her word that she wouldn't kill again. And yet, if her son got sick again, it seems reasonable to assume she’d go on another killing spree. Maybe Dean was right to kill her, maybe he was wrong.

Other notes: 

[1] Sam misses a certain detail when he compares Dean’s actions with Emma to his own situation with Amy. Sam only compares the two situation by virtue of him or Dean choking due to an attachment to the “monster” in question. However, there’s a distinction between the two kills that is important within Dean’s personal ethical framework, while it’s not necessarily important within Sam’s... to the point that Sam doesn't really see this distinction at all (in fact, he may not know about it). Namely, Emma had never killed anyone before while Amy had killed four people. Dean’s actions in both situations are actually ethically consistent—which is another misconception in fandom. From Dean’s framework, Emma and Amy are not the same. Emma and Amy’s son are the same. We see the distinction Dean draws between Amy and her son in “The Girl Next Door”: Dean kills Amy but lets her son go because he’s never killed anyone. He doesn’t rescind that even after Amy’s son tells Dean he’s going to come after him eventually and kill him. Dean treats Emma in the exact same way. He tells her he would let her walk away because she’s never killed anyone, and he doesn’t rescind the offer even if it seems like she still might try to come after him again. This is also consistent with how Dean treated Bobby John in Season 6 “Two and a Half Men”, Jack in Season 4 “Metamorphosis”, and Madison in Season 2 “Heart”. 

[2] When he kills Amy, Dean is notedly dealing with trust issues that he himself acknowledges, after what happened with Cas. He trusted Cas implicitly even when Bobby and Sam doubted him, and he got burned, and it shook his ability to trust in anyone (see Sam’s “wobbly” talk above”). Killing Amy is a part of that, according to Dean’s own perceptions. 

[3] To a certain extent, it might even be said that Sam and Dean aren't just wary of trusting each other’s judgement, but also wary of trusting themselves. For example, “You kill the monster” is a hardline stance that’s unusual for Sam and that is rejected by both brothers as early as Season 2 “Bloodlust”. But because Sam doesn’t trust himself at that point in time, and also does not trust Dean’s judgement either, he does what he thinks is “safe” when his own mind is half shredded and he has a depressed and alcoholic brother who he’s afraid is going to let a monster kid murder him one day (be it Emma or Amy’s son). If he were to let Emma go and worse came to worse, Sam doesn’t feel he can rely on Dean to defend himself from her, and he doesn’t know what his own mind state is going to be like in the future. So he does what’s “safe” for them both. In the same way, Dean’s actions with Amy could be viewed as him choosing what’s “safe”.

[rosesloveletters]

Hi dear 💌 just wanted to pop in here real' quick. I saw your post about feeling down and hoping that you'd be anyone but you. I just wanted to say that I hope that you know I appreciate you immensely for just being who you are and always being so so good to me. 🥺 You're one of the kindest souls I've ever encountered and I feel so so grateful that our paths have crossed like this 🥺🥺 your blog feels like a safe place where anyone can freely be who they are without judgement 💗

I hope it's okay if I drop some questions here, I love it when you gush about your F/Os: what's a song that reminds you of them? and what's something that people wouldn't guess about them when they first meet them/that only you know? 🥺

excuse me for dropping for Casanova gushing here 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 something people wouldn't guess about him - given he's always on the move and going places - is that Casanova sleeps like the dead. I can't count the times I've woken up at night and haven't fallen back asleep and then I've just had to lay there alone in silence because the man will not budge. He wakes up on his own just fine but I've yet to meet someone else that can wake him up 🥴

a song that reminds me of him: everybody talks by neon trees 🥺

this is also your reminder that you deserve all the good things the world gives you and your F/Os love you very much 💌😌 -Magda xx (sorry this ask turned out so long lol)

MAGDA🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

This was such a sweet message to find here in my inbox, waiting for me🥺 This week has been a thoroughly rough one and I have felt like retreating in on myself and hoping I might cease to exist. This message made things seem a little brighter and I cannot thank you enough for the little bit of kindness which you have extended to me over the past week or so that we’ve been interacting. I try to keep my blog fairly light-hearted and happy (why would I want to come online if it wasn’t happy?) I feel as though I owe it to myself and to others to put on a smile, even and especially when I am anything but jovial. It is an honor to me to know I have achieved that; I value your opinion, darling. I am so happy to know you and you are always, always welcome here on my blog 💗 This is always a judgement-free zone! 

Oh darling, thank you for asking about my F/Os🥺 I haven’t felt quite right with them all week, so that is why I have held off on answering this ask for a bit. Thank you for extending this bit of kindness to me; it means everything that you enjoy hearing about the relationship I have with them and letting me gush.

what's a song that reminds you of them?

There are lots and lots of songs that remind me of my loves. I’ll list a few here, though I will not go into detail as to why they’re special and/or important to our relationship since I can tend to be a little...emotional😅

Faithfully - Journey

Daylight - Taylor Swift

Lover - Taylor Swift

Your Song - Elton John

what's something that people wouldn't guess about them when they first meet them/that only you know?

This is an extremely good question and I absolutely love that you asked it! I might end up listing several that I haven’t spoken about before, since this question made me ponder a bit deeply on my loves’ personalities.

J: 

The only thing about J that is messy or dirty is his hygiene; he is actually extremely clean within his living habits. He does not like his belongings touched/moved/etc. by anyone. He has specific places where he stores things and where he’ll hang his trench coat and those items will not vary from those spots. He likes to know where his belongings are at all times and it bothers him immensely if they’re removed from his assigned locations. 

J loves fruit. He will try any kind of fruit that you’ll put in front of him; he once came home with something called a jackfruit (yes, the name is why he “bought” it.) If you have not ever seen a jackfruit, I suggest a quick Google Search; it is quite the interesting choice, if mainly for the size of it alone. J’s favorite fruit is pineapple (Pat and I have witnessed him eat an entire pineapple at once), but he is not picky and will devour any kind of fruit that he can get his hands on.

J is ambidextrous; he trained himself to be so after leaving the military. He learned that body parts are expendable and how easy it is to lose limbs. He switches from performing tasks with his right hand versus his left quite often so that no one is really aware which was his original dominant hand. Patrick often jokes that J doesn’t even remember which is his dominant hand. 

Pat:

Patrick has an innate fascination with astronomy/space/etc. When he lived in Australia with his mom, he remembered nights when the two of them would go out into their backyard and look at the stars together. (I haven’t ever shared my headcanons for Patrick’s background/early life, so the next few bits might be nonsensical since I haven’t ever shared my thoughts on this.) Before his grandfather left for America, he would take Pat out to the outback and they would climb into the back of his truck and count the constellations and look at the planets through a telescope his grandfather bought. 

Patrick has a pocket watch he carries with him at all times that was gifted to him by his grandfather. His grandpa told Patrick that his grandfather had given it to him when he was a boy and had carried a piece of him around all these years; now, Pat was to carry his own grandfather within that reminder of the pocket watch and so Pat has never let go of it all these years. It brings Pat great comfort to have this physical reminder of his grandpa with him all of the time. 

Patrick is terrified of the dentist and I mean absolutely petrified. It stems from an extremely bad experience that he had whenever he was very young (I won’t go into detail for those who are also afraid; I don’t want to trigger anyone!)

Thank you endlessly for letting me gush like this and share some more personal things from our relationship! I find it extremely fulfilling to delve into these characters more. Oh my goodness, I had no idea Casanova would be such a sound sleeper! It makes sense, given his tendency to a more active lifestyle. It must tire him out to be so adventurous all the time😂 Your relationship with him sounds so wholesome and lovely💗 Thank you for sharing these headcanons with me and that song seems to fit him perfectly! You both are so very sweet and I love hearing about the relationship you share with each other💗💗💗

I hope you are taking care and staying safe! Enjoy the weekend, darling; you deserve nothing but good things💗 (It’s completely fine! Long asks are so much fun to answer!)

[paintedpoems]

Black Water Arc: War of The Water Tyrants.

“Wind’s ontology refuses to take separateness as an inherent feature of the world. […] And this is, in part, wind’s value—it has an existential precondition that appears only in the context of contact. Wind is touching, mutual, moving.”

 — Cymene Howe, Ecologics

 It seems overly contradictory to start a piece about water tyrants with a quote about the wind, doesn’t it? In actuality, readers of the novel would find this comparison immensely appropriate. This is because although black water arc is about the head-to-head battle between Shi Wudu and Hexuan; the center point, the cause and the final effect of this whole arc is Shi Qingxuan. 

 “Existential Precondition” or fate. It is ironic that wind is described as such because that is essentially Shi Qingxuan’s inherent problem and “Refuses to take separateness” was Shi Qingxuan’s ultimate solution. 

Short Summary:

The infant Shi Qingxuan has a curse placed upon them. The curse prophesied a life full of unfathomable hardships for Shi Qingxuan and that is now their fate. Their brother, Shi Wudu, who is extremely protective of his sibling, is bent on saving Shi Qingxuan from this curse. Shi Wudu being naturally gifted eventually ascends as a god, he uses his position in the heavenly realm to then help his younger brother ascend to godhood as well. It is eventually revealed that Shi Wudu secretly changed his sibling’s cursed fate with another person of similar name and better fortune. 

The person in question is Hexuan. Hexuan was fated to live a prosperous life and ascend as a god but instead lives with tragedy latched onto him. He goes through poverty, false accusations, abuse and all of his loved ones die under heartbreaking circumstances. Hexuan eventually dies and returns as a vengeful ghost bent on punishing the one that had wronged him. Hexuan wants justice and since the gods refuse to pass judgement, he decides to come to a verdict on his own. In short, that is what black water arc is about: Judgement. In a grey situation, where exactly do we place the blame?

 On Morality:

Shi wudu verses Hexuan, ‘The war of the water tyrants’ dilemma, is one of the most mind-blowingly well thought out cases of grey morality in literature. It is no secret that the reductiveness of morals into “good” and “evil” categories is one of mxtx's main themes often explored heavily in her previous works. The author rejects the absolute extremes in character viewpoints, both in her protagonists and antagonists and applies the concept in varying thoughts including race and politics. 

The difference in this arc however, is the projection of the audience’s principles into each character. That is, between Hexuan and Shi wudu, she never specifies who the antagonist is. It is left to the readers to explore, reflect and come to an understanding on what exactly it is like to venture into the grey zone. Neither of the two were selfishly driven, none of their initial intentions stemmed from hatred. It was familial love that drove them to hurt one another, familial love that blindsided them. In their quest to protect and to avenge their family, innocent family members lost their lives or were hurt; on both their parts. This is where the definitions of victims and perpetrators get skewed. It is so skewed in fact, that the only valid testimony left is the reader's sentiments for the characters and their own self-principles. 

 From Shi wudu’s “Everything I have today, I fought for myself... I will change fate that I do not possess. My fate is up to me and not the heavens” is the will to fight predestination. Verses, Hexuan’s “What right did he have to suck another’s blood, trample another’s bones to reach the skies, and still maintain a peace of mind. Enjoying all such luxuries without any sense of burden?” the victim of the change in predestination. Two strong, commendable principles, founded by righteousness but blinded by arrogance and hatred. Later, to maintain a peace of mind, Hexuan tramples on Shi Qingxuan and in the process of fighting for oneself, Shi Wudu ultimately changes Shi Qingxuan’s fate for the worse. 

We even witness the Shi Wudu’s blindness take a terrible turn at the very end when he attempts to strangle his own sibling that he fought to protect all this time. His belief that Shi Qingxuan will not be safe without him, his lack of trust in his own brother, is part of his arrogance. 

In return, we see Hexuan’s blind hatred falter for a moment when he keeps giving Shi Qingxuan chances for safety. At the finish line, we see both the water tyrant’s own morals and goals swap. This change in attitude towards Shi Qingxuan’s future is another outstanding ploy by mxtx because expectation of a good outcome is the core of morality. In the end, the readers simply wish for a good ending for Shi Qingxuan and when Shi Wudu decides he is going to die together with his sibling, it confuses the audience. There is a shock factor added, you perceive Shi Wudu as the protector and he pulls the safety rug from under your feet. Instant shock and confusion violating the purity of the absolute good, so the reader’s immediate reaction is to look for safety in the not-absolute evil i.e. Hexuan. However, when Hexuan does not provide that complete comfort at the end, only slightly appeasing everyone, it stings. Reinforcing that cognitive blend of mixed morality into reader’s beliefs, further skewing the curve. 

 It is this kind of writing that creates a split in the fandom, not in a bad way, but more in terms of sparking a conversation about where people’s individual morality lies. Each character has their past, their reasons, their flaws and goodness and it gives the audience something to root for. In addition, the rooting is not a hundred percent good versus bad, because each character’s choices are equally flawed. The fandom selects a side but with one foot still lingering on the other territory. Siding with Hexuan but understanding the reasoning behind Shi Wudu’s actions or siding with Shi Wudu but sympathizing with Hexuan’s pain and loss. The uneven split is how you know the characterization was not mediocre.

In regards to characterizations, Shi wudu and Hexuan are too similar. Their personalities, personas, auras; the proud, stubborn, intelligent water tyrants. We speak of these likenesses because Shi Qingxuan lives through this battle and will never be able to unsee the similarities. Hexuan remains, a walking reminder of Shi Wudu. This feels deliberately done as the final stab to the readers, so that Shi Qingxuan and Hexuan’s relationship remains unmendable. 

 Pure Point of Views, Shi Qingxuan and Xielian: 

Wind is invisible, its apprehension comes from its exposure to objects or in this case other people. Shi Qingxuan is air, pure, lively and touching, forming a comforting contact with everyone they meet. The kind of character that brings about a reader’s protective instinct, in a sense, if anything were to happen to them it will infuriate and break the audience. A classic plot device to draw emotions from the readers. Why must this innocent child suffer for the sins of their brother? But, mxtx urges us to rethink this by wondering the same for Hexuan’s family. They were innocent too, why did they have to die on this path? Why is Shi Qingxuan’s innocence valid and not theirs? The audience feels for Shi Qingxuan because we have become familiarised with them. Shi Qingxuan has now made that connection with the readers, the wind has touched their hearts versus only receiving glimpses of what was Hexuan’s previous family. The effect is lacking that familial impact, that bond. Classic writing schemes, beautiful.

At the end of the clashing of the waves, the person left with the permanent scars was the blameless Shi Qingxuan. Their life was molded and directed into this final point without their control, as if caught in a sea storm. The one that paid for this feud was ultimately Shi Qingxuan, the person neither of the other two wanted to hurt.

 Another classic writing device I want to finally explore and praise is the use of the narrator to throw the audience off the culprit’s scent. The mystery of Black Water Arc was quite simple actually, mxtx layed out all the clues and hints for the audience out in the open. Like Xielian himself states later, the simplest answer was always visible, he was just overthinking things. And if Xielian, the semi-narrator, overthinks then the audience will overthink. Xielian, an intelligent and the fundamentally good person, exudes a trusting aura. The audience cannot help but trust his judgement and perception of things, it is a credibility built from our experience with his mystery solving abilities in the previous arcs. 

The reason why the black water reveal was so impactful and shocking was because of Xielian. The semi narrator continuously made excuses for MingYi, his subconscious trusted him, even if he had his suspicions. He didn’t enforce them strongly enough, leaving the audience to believe Xielian was merely exploring a wrong option for the sake of eliminating possible culprits. The audience was not viewing MingYi as a culprit, rather they were waiting for Xielian to come to the inevitable conclusion of his innocence. An item to quickly cross off the checklist so that they could finally pursue the “real” culprit.

MingYi couldn’t use the Earth Master Shovel? Xielian makes the excuse for him before the audience can even dive deeper on that thought. HuaCheng draws suspicion back to MingYi and Xielian immediately doubts his most trusted confidant’s assumptions. Xielian trusts MingYi, so we trust MingYi against our better judgement. When the narrator has left no room for mistrust, how can the audience hold their stance? 

The proficient push and pull charade played out by Hexuan and Huacheng is another impactful factor that took part in diverting Xielian’s mistrust. The nefarious roles they played policing and suspecting each other, from Hexuan’s “don’t you have spies in the heavens?” to Huacheng’s lie detecting dice game. The solid plan of the two suspicious individuals doing the dirty work for Xielian, did not allow Xielian to mold his thoughts in his own way. He was led astray whilst the other two worked together to draw trust onto each other. So, the audience did not have room for doubt either. 

In addition to all of that, the most fundamental foundation to Xielian’s trust for MingYi was that fact that he was the one who saved him from Huacheng in the first place. Simply because of the ghost city arc, we already place Huacheng and Hexuan on opposing sides rather than assuming they were accomplices. Furthermore, because of Xielian’s trust in Huacheng’s intellect and his belief of Huacheng’s prejudice against MingYi; he would constantly monitor Huacheng’s reaction to his own deductions. Unfortunately, Huacheng was a terrible basis point and by the time Xielian realizes it, it is too late. An ingenious tactic. 

The author led us off track in such a brilliant manner, I had to sing praises at the end of this piece. The way our mind perceives people or situations, is the essence of our moral compass. The mind is subjective, so subjectivity in judgement is ever present, ever grey.

Notes:

This unforgettable and excruciatingly tragic arc is an important turning point in the book and we are all aware that it does not need a special summary. However, I wanted to start with a bit of a reintroduction, just to stay true to the essay tradition. Is this an essay? A think-piece? An analysis? I would not dare shame any of those academic classifications by claiming to be writing as such. 

I hope this was enjoyable to read.

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[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Is it normal for my preference to shift drastically every few weeks? Like, for few weeks it's like 90% girls 10% boys and later for few weeks it's the other way around and it seems like it doesn't have anything to do with my current crushes because i like a girl while still having a preference for boys

There are as many different ways to experience bisexuality as there are bisexual people in the world. So whichever way your attractions may shift from one preference to another is normal even if it’s not how every other bi person experiences their own sexuality.

That being said, I think there’s often too much focus being put on figuring out what your preferences are. There is a certain biphobic narrative that bi people always prefer one gender and thus are “basically gay/straight” depending on which gender that is. Bi people often internalise this and think they have to always be 100% aware of where their current preference lies. It causes us to overanalyse every instance of attraction that we feel, we question and doubt and second-guess every feeling we have towards each genders, we think we have to compare our feelings for one gender to our feelings to another gender and if it’s not exactly identical in quality and quantity then we panic because “oh god if it’s not totally equal then maybe I’m not a Real Bisexual”.

Now, I understand that it can be tempting to put percentages to your attractions and sometimes it’s just an easy way to express yourself. But maybe consider this: you are always 100% bisexual. No matter whom you are currently attracted to or whom you have a crush on - your bisexuality it always at 100. Even when you are in a phase where your attention goes primarily to one gender that doesn’t mean you have lost your potential to be attracted to more than that one gender. And that’s how we define bisexuality: recognising your potential to be attracted to more than one gender.

The other reason why I think it’s often not helpful to focus on percentages and preferences that much is that I don’t see how there’s a way to measure that. Do you count how many times a day you find someone attractive of each gender? Are you always completely aware of every time someone catches your eye? How do you value having fleeting head-turn moments of “oh hey, he looked sexy” versus having an intense crush on some girl? Does one count more than the other?

I may have said this before on this blog, that depending on how I approach this question for myself I either have no preference or a preference for men because though I don’t think I like quantatively more men than non-men I do have more intense sexual desire and fantasies about men. But is that really a preference? Or just the result of a lack of experience with other genders? After all, when fantasising about men I can fall back to plenty of experiences I’ve made with men, which is something I can’t as much for women and not at all for non-binary genders.

What I’m trying to get to is, I guess, that there is hardly any scientific way to measure what your preferences really are. It’s just an internal ~feeling~ that you have and you are the only person who can make that judgement if you want to. But know that you do not have to spend your time like this meme

trying to figure out what your exact “percentages” are and why they may have changed compared to last week. You can just be and let your attraction flow freely whichever way they wanna go. It can be very frustrating and only strengthen internalised biphobia because you will end up worrying that there is something wrong or “not bi enough” in the way you experience your bisexuality.

Maddie

[camillemontespan]

queer eye: the cordonian edition [drake walker] [episode 1, part two]

Part One here if you want to catch up (you probably should). 

This is my last part of Drake’s Walkers episode in my Queer Eye collaboration with the lovely Marie @pug-bitch 

@jovialyouthmusic @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore@sirbeepsalot@moonlightgem7 @katedrakeohd @emceesynonymroll@notoriouscs @dcbbw@drakesensworld @carabeth  @be-still-my-aching-heart@andy-loves-corgis@mariahschoices @thequeenofcronuts @drakewalkerisreal@nikkis1983@simsvetements  @alesana45 @iplaydrake@drakewalkerwhipped@drakxwalker @drakewalkerrosenberg @drakeswalkers@drakelover78@silviasutton1989 @furiousherringoperatortoad @hollygirl1269@ladyangel70  @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @burnsoslow   @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld  @emichelle  @stopforamoment @rainbowsinthestorm   @drakewalkerfics @ibldw-main

************************************************************************************

Jonathan: GROOMING. Owner of luscious locks, self care advocate, is a Kelly Clarkson song.

Tan: FASHION. A style icon, inventor of the French tuck, lover of printed shirts.

Bobby: DESIGN. Unsung hero, man of few words and week-long renovation projects, lover of gray and blue hues.

Karamo: CULTURE. Beautifully manicured beard, inspirational angel, loves to get people to scream about their dreams as a self-confidence exercise.

Antoni: FOOD. Can only make grilled cheese or dips. Pretty to look at, cooking skills questionable. Owner of a million slogan tees and bandanas.

Day 4: A Place at the Table

'Right, food. Since you live in a Palace where you're waited on hand and foot, I'll admit, it was hard to work out how I can help you,' Antoni admitted to Drake the following day. 'But I've managed to get us into the kitchen anyway so that if the opportunity ever came, you could cook yourself something. I imagine that since there's servants and cooks here, you don't know how to do it yourself?'

Drake blinked. 'Uh, I can cook, Antoni.'

Antoni grinned. 'Awesome! So like, grilled cheese? Guacamole?'

Drake stared at Antoni. There was an awkward silence. 'That's not proper food,' he said bluntly. Antoni paled.

'I meant I can cook meat, you know? Like roast pork or roast chicken. I don't just get the chance to do it often but when I lived in Texas, my mom taught me how.'

Antoni was ashen now. His fists were clenched and he could feel panic rising in his stomach. Sure, he'd made roasts before but the Queer Eye job description had said he would be teaching very basic things, which meant Antoni's actual cooking had taken a backseat. Roast chicken was not basic.

'Okayyy...' Antoni said. 'Right, I love how enthusiastic you are. But, um, grilled cheese?'

Drake stared at him.

Yet again, the editing team would have to include the sound of crickets to fill the silence.

'I'll be right back..' Antoni whispered. He scurried away from Drake, who looked incredibly bewildered, and raced back to the suite where his co-star were staying.

Antoni burst into the room and threw himself on the bed beside Bobby. He was so glad the cameras hadn't followed him, for he curled himself into a ball and wailed, 'I HAVE NO PURPOSE IN THIS EPISODE!'

Bobby soothed Antoni by stroking his hair. 'There, there Antoni,' he whispered. 'I know what will cheer you up. Did you know the King has corgis?'

Antoni bolted up from the bed, a huge grin plastered on his face. 'Where?'

                         **********************************************

Drake was in his room, studying the clothes in his wardrobe to work out exactly how much denim he needed to bin when Karamo knocked on his door.

'Hey, Drake. Are you free just now? Thought we could do some things today.'

Drake agreed and the two men headed downstairs to the dining room. They found Antoni at a table with a corgi on his lap. He looked so pleased with himself.

'Hey guys!' he greeted them.

Karamo turned to Drake. 'I've roped Antoni in to help us today because after you gave him an inferiority complex, I figured he might feel better if he joined in.'

Drake shot Antoni an apologetic smile. 'Sorry Antoni.'

Antoni shrugged. 'All good, Drake. Besides, me and Rupert have been getting on so well, haven't we Rupert?!' he cooed at the corgi. Rupert licked Antoni's nose in response.

Karamo clapped his hands. 'Right, Drake. We're in the dining room because the three of us are going to learn about dinner etiquette -'

'Oh fuck no,' Drake interrupted, raising his hands. 'No way. I'm not turning into one of them. I like not knowing the correct fork to use, it makes me normal.'

Karamo and Antoni were silent. Karamo studied Drake before speaking. 'Drake. You live here. You're surrounded by nobles and the King is your best friend. Surely it would only put you at an advantage and feel more like you belong if you learned about this sort of thing? You could prove the naysayers wrong.'

Drake shook his head. 'Fuck the naysayers.'

Karamo closed his eyes. The editing team would have to bleep out half of Drake's vocabulary.

'If you just learned this one skill, it doesn't mean you're any different,' Antoni said quietly. 'It will just make you feel like you've earned a place at the table.'

'Why should I feel like I've earned it?' Drake asked bitterly. 'I don't want to act like being noble is the best thing in the world. I don't want to be grateful for getting the chance to sit beside them at dinner. I hate them. They can all go to hell. In fact, no. They can all suck my-'

'DRAKE,' Karamo raised his voice, pinching the sides of his nose with his fingers. He looked at Drake steadily. 'Okay, we'll abandon this. It was a stupid idea.'

Drake exhaled. 'Thank you.'

Antoni have Karamo a questioning look. It was not a stupid idea. It made sense. But Karamo gave Antoni a sly wink.

'Get some outdoor clothes on,' Karamo instructed. 'We're going on a hike.'

                 *****************************************************

The three of them trekked up the Cordonian Pass which overlooked the ocean and the terracotta tiled roofs of Cordonia. ‘Wow, this country is gorgeous!’ Antoni said, barely breaking a sweat. 

‘I do like hiking so I can see this view,’ Drake admitted. Karamo smiled, pleased his activity was approved of. They stopped at the halfway point to have a water break and surveyed their surroundings. 

‘Do you go hiking a lot?’ Karamo asked. Drake shook his head. ‘Nowhere near enough. Like... once every four months. So not much, no.’ 

‘Why don’t you do it more often?’ Antoni asked, pouring some water over his head so the water ran down his face and down his muscled arms. The camera zoomed in. 

Drake shrugged. ‘I guess I just prefer to stay in my room.’

‘The room that’s bare and full of whiskey bottles?’ Karamo asked bluntly. Drake blinked, his eyes wide as he tried to think of an answer. Antoni winced and quietly sloped off to pretend to look at a tree. This was Karamo’s time now.  

‘I.. uhh..’ Drake stammered. 

Karamo sighed. ‘We saw you had a lot of empty whiskey bottles littered around your room. It was a lot, Drake. Why do you drink so much? No judgement here, I’m just wanting to understand you and help. This is a safe space.’ 

Drake eyed the camera then looked back at Karamo. ‘I guess I use whiskey to self medicate..’ he muttered. ‘It blocks out the thoughts I have.’

‘What thoughts?’ Karamo asked softly. 

‘That I’m a nobody,’ Drake said honestly, clenching his fists and then unclenching them. Karamo could see he was digging his fingernails into his palms; it was a good distraction technique to stop tears. 

‘But you’re not a nobody, Drake,’ Karamo told him. 

‘Ha!’ Drake scoffed bitterly. ‘Believe me, I am. In this court, I may as well be the shit on their shoes. The nobles all look at me like I’m worthless. They accuse me of riding on Liam’s coat tails. They ask why I’m at court. They forget about my dad’s loyalty and bravery-’

‘Your dad?’ 

Drake went silent and cast his eyes down to the ground. Karamo moved forward and placed his hand on Drake’s shoulder. ‘Drake? Your dad? Safe space here, remember.’

Drake let out a shaky breath. ‘My father was part of of the Guard. He protected the King but was killed in service. He died an honourable death - he always said if he had to die, he would prefer to die protecting his king and country, which he did.’

‘He sounds like a great man,’ Karamo whispered. Drake nodded fiercely. ‘He was. He was.. he was my favourite person. It always felt like it was us versus the world. When he was gone, I felt lost.. like I had no place here anymore, regardless of how much Liam tried to tell me that I was his best friend and I deserved to be at court. His family took me in after dad died, so he became like a brother to me. But it made no difference to everyone else.’

Karamo sighed. ‘Why should it matter what everyone thinks of you? Drake, from the short time I’ve known you, you’ve proven that you’re a good guy. A bit rough around the edges, sure, but in a way that’s quite endearing. You’re kind. You’re your own person. You stick by your values and you refuse to conform. You’re one of a kind. So why should the opinion of some stuffy nobles bring you down?’

‘Because in a way, I guess I want to be accepted,’ Drake said, his breath hitching. ‘I’m sick of being treated like crap but I also don’t want to turn into those nobles who treat everyone badly. I just want one day where I can go about my business without someone making a snarky comment. Because soon, all the comments and insults start collecting in your head and you begin to see them as truth.’

‘But they’re not the truth,’ Karamo said fiercely. ‘Those people do not have permission to make you feel inferior, okay? Besides, fuck them! Everyone has got their own baggage and I can guarantee that they all have their own insecurities, some people just take it out on others. You just have to rise above it. As the beautiful Michelle Obama says, when they go low, we go high.’ 

‘She is pretty beautiful..’ Drake muttered, smiling slightly. Karamo chuckled then turned serious again. 

‘Look, Drake. I bet your dad, if he was here, he would tell you to just do you. go your own path, screw everyone else, right?’

Drake nodded. 

‘Okay. So I bet he wouldn’t want you to be sat in your room all day drinking to block out the negative thoughts, am I right?’ Drake nodded. Karamo smiled and continued. ‘He would want you to live your best life. He would want you to smile and just be happy and secure in yourself. He would also be so proud of you.’

‘He would?’

‘Yes! Drake, look. You’ve survived this long in court without him and you’ve built up a thick skin but we’re all human, there’s gonna be some cracks where negative stuff gets in. That’s okay. What matters is how you deal with the negative stuff. So, instead of sitting in your room drinking yourself into oblivion, I want you to do something else. Maybe, say.. hike?’ 

Drake smirked. ‘Was this meant to be a lesson?’

Karamo shrugged.’ View it how you want but I’m telling you, hiking, getting outside, this is what’s going to help you. It takes you out of your head. Tell me, how do you feel?’

‘I guess I feel lighter.. I mean, I’ve never told anyone about how I feel about court,’ Drake admitted. ‘Plus I suppose hiking gives me a purpose, it makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.’

‘Exactly!’ Karamo cried. ‘I tell you, when we reach the top, you’re going to feel on top of the world - literally and figuratively. This can be your self care. I know you hate that phrase but it is. It’s therapeutic. It gets you out of your head, gets you active and hey, out of the palace.’ 

Drake grinned. ‘I should do this more, huh?’

‘You’re getting it! Now, come on, let’s get to the top. Antoni, baby, come on!’ 

Antoni, who had been studying the tree for the whole time, skipped over and gave Drake a wide smile. ‘Let’s hike, buddy.’ 

They trekked further up the mountain until they reached the top twenty minutes later. The whole of Cordonia lay out before them and Karamo whistled. 

‘What a view.’

He felt Drake nudge him. Karamo looked at him and saw that his project was smiling. ‘Thank you, Karamo,’ Drake said. ‘I feel.. good.’ 

Antoni clapped his hands. ‘Awwwww, group hug!’

‘Oh no.’ Drake groaned. Karamo and Antoni jumped up and down. ‘Come on, honey!’ Karamo shouted. ‘Bring it in!’

Drake laughed and joined the two of them, throwing his arms around them as they shared a hug, laughing and celebrating. 

   ******************************************************************************

They got back to the palace and as they passed the dining room, Drake stopped them.  ‘I may regret this but since this is a good day, let’s continue,’ he said. Karamo and Antoni frowned, waiting. 

‘Teach me about table etiquette,’ Drake sighed. ‘Give me a skill I can use to feel better in this place and maybe shut up those nobles who judge my dinner habits.’

Antoni and Karamo began screaming, jumping up and down. ‘Oh my God!’ Antoni squealed. ‘Yes! Let’s do it!’

They dragged Drake into the dining room, which was still empty, and sat him down at a table that was laid out with plates, bowls and cutlery. Drake swallowed nervously.

Karamo and Antoni sat down opposite him and poured three glasses of water. 

‘So’, Karamo began. ‘We’ll start with the spoons and knives which are always on your right.’ 

Drake nodded, listening intently. 

‘You start with the spoon on the far right,’ Antoni continued. ‘This is your soup soon. As you work your way in, you will find your first course knife and then once that’s used, you have your second course knife.’

‘So ridiculous,’ Drake commented. ‘Why all the fanciness?’

‘You live in a palace, Drake,’ Karamo said dryly. ‘Fanciness comes with the territory.’

Antoni cleared his throat. ‘On the left are your forks and the same applies to them. Work your way in from the outside. Above your plate, you will find your dessert spoon and fork.’

The three of them practiced for the next thirty minutes until it was ingrained in Drake’s mind. ‘I always just picked a random fork to use..’ Drake said quietly.

‘Well, now you won’t do that,’ Antoni assured him. ‘You can now sit down, have a meal and not feel like you’re doing that wrong. You have a place at the table.’ 

Karamo smiled softly, his eyes meeting Drake’s. ‘You have always had a place at the table,’ he corrected. ‘You just needed to know that.’ 

Drake grinned, his smile crinkling the corners of his eyes; a genuine smile. For once, he looked lighter and happier. 

      ***************************************************************************

Day 5: I’m Drake Walker

It was the final day of their project and the morning of the ball which would host Liam’s suitors. The Fab Five, excluding Bobby, stood in the palace corridor with Drake, waiting for Bobby to let them in to show off Drake’s new room. 

‘You are glowing!’ Jonathan squealed when he saw Drake. ‘Have you been using my face mask?!’

Drake blushed. ‘Maybe..’

‘Oh my God, yaaaaaas kweeen!’ Jonathan cried, pulling him into a hug. ‘I’m so proud of you!’ 

Tan knocked on the door. ‘Bobby, come on, open up!’

‘I’m just doing the final touches!’ Bobby called. ‘I’m sorting out the cushions!’

‘Cushions?’ Drake murmured, his eyes wide. He had never owned cushions. 

The door opened and Bobby eyed Drake, smiling mischeviously. ‘Welcome home, Mr Walker.’

He let them inside and Drake stopped dead. 

The room, which had been so white and bare, looked like a completely different space. Forest green walls, blue curtains, orange cushions and copper lamps decorated the room. The driftwood shelves Drake had liked had been put up on the walls and they held candles, books and framed pictures. 

Drake moved towards them, silent, and picked up a framed picture. ‘This is me and my dad..’ he whispered. He turned to Bobby. ‘Where did you get this?’

‘I was emptying out your drawers and found it in an envelope,’ Bobby explained. ‘Sorry if it was private, I just thought that a gorgeous picture like that deserves to be framed. Was that on 4th July?’

Drake nodded. ‘We always had 4th July at the ranch,’ he said quietly, his eyes fixed on the photograph. ‘He loved that holiday. It’s one of my favourite memories.’ 

His eyes glistened and Jonathan let out a whimper when he saw that Drake was going to cry. ‘Oh honey,’ he whispered, coming forward to give Drake a tight hug. ‘It’s okay.’ 

Karamo patted Drake on the back. Drake squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed them, laughing shakily. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to get all.. emotional.’

‘It’s your dad, we get it,’ Tan said. Karamo and Antoni had told the others about Drake’s dad privately and the group now felt like they knew another side of Drake that had previously been hidden. 

Drake put the photograph back and looked around the room. ‘I love this,’ he said to Bobby. ‘It’s cosy. Like, I actually want to stay in here. Don’t worry, I won’t drink whiskey,’ he joked, shooting a look at Karamo. ‘It’s just a relaxing space.’ 

‘Come outside,’ Bobby said, guiding him. He opened the French doors out to the balcony and Drake let out a gasp. The once untouched balcony that overlooked the harbour had been decorated. Fairylights were strung up, casting a warm glow, and there was a table and chairs with the table laid out with purple and blue glasses and a bottle of wine. ‘This can be a space for any lady friends who come over,’ Bobby said. ‘Because face it, you need to get laid, Drake.’

Drake burst out laughing and clapped Bobby on the back. ‘That I do, my friend. That I do.’

    *********************************************************************************

‘Right, let’s get you dressed up!’ Tan cried, dragging him to the closet. The others sat down on the bed and waited as Drake got ready in the en-suite. ‘So this is his off duty model look,’ Tan explained. ‘He is on his way to an underground gig and he had a model girlfriend called Ianthe.’

‘Oooh, Ianthe!’ the others called. They waited with bated breath when the door opened. 

‘Holy shit..’ Antoni breathed. Drake stood at the door wearing the henley shirt, jeans and brown boots with the leather jacket on top. 

‘Drake, you are serving me gorge vibes!’ Jonathan screamed. ‘Like I just want to lick you all over! Can I lick you all over?’

Drake chuckled. ‘If you want, sure.’ 

He came out and gave a twirl. The Fab Five screamed at this sudden flamboyance. ‘How do you feel?’ Tan asked. 

‘I feel like a bit of babe, actually,’ Drake admitted, blushing. ‘I love this outfit.’

‘I may have to divorce my husband,’ Karamo said bluntly. 

Tan clapped his hands. ‘Last look!’ 

He hurried Drake back into the bathroom and the Fab Five waited. Jonathan was fanning himself, overcome with lust. 

The door opened and Jonathan let out a high pitched scream. ‘Okay, fuck me now!’

Drake was wearing a suit. An actual suit. It was tailored perfectly to him; it was a simple black with a blue pocket square. The suit jacket emphasised his broad shoulders and Drake was standing taller, more confidently. 

‘Do you like?’ he asked weakly. 

‘You are on fire,’ Bobby told him. ‘You honestly look incredible.’

‘Do you feel good?’ Karamo asked. Drake looked in the mirror and grinned. ‘I do. I look smart.’

‘You look like my new boyfriend,’ Jonathan quipped. ‘Wait till I introduce you to my mom.’

Drake ran his hands down the lapels, smoothing the jacket. ‘This is good. I feel good.’ 

‘You look good,’ Antoni said. ‘You feeling ready for tonight?’

‘I am,’ Drake said. ‘For once in my life, I’m not dreading a ball.’ 

‘Good,’ Karamo smiled. ‘Then our work is done.’ 

****************************************************************************************

The Fab Five convened in their loft to watch the short of film of Drake after they left him. They all settled down on the sofa with glasses of wine in hand and Bobby switched on the TV. 

Drake appeared on their screen. He was in his bathroom using the face cleanser Jonathan had got him and even better, he was topless with a towel around his waist. He had clearly just gotten out of the shower as his hair was slicked back. 

‘OH MY GOD, HE’S SUCH A BEEFCAKE!’ Tan screamed, jumping up and spilling his wine. 

Jonathan’s mouth had dropped open.  ‘Oh come to mama...’ he breathed, his eyes widening as he took in Drake’s muscled arms and torso. 

‘I know I said I was divorcing my husband as a sort of joke,’ Karamo said, ‘but I mean it.’

‘His towel is so low..’ Antoni whispered.

‘Does he do manscaping?’ Bobby asked, bewildered. ‘Jonathan, I think he manscapes.’

‘I could have given him more tips!’ Jonathan wailed, heartbroken. 

Tan sniggered. ‘Okay, let’s keep watching.’

They watched as Drake applied moisturiser -’good boy,’ Jonathan said- and Drake then shut the door to the camera so he could get dressed. 

‘Damn it!’ they all chorused. 

When he reappeared, he was wearing the suit and adjusting his cuff links. ‘He genuinely looks like he should be in perfume commercial,’ Tan said. ‘Am I right?’

‘Gucci by Gucci,’ Jonathan purred, before descending into cackles. 

Drake studied himself in the mirror and smirked. The Fab Five squealed. ‘He’s so feeling himself!’ Antoni shouted. ‘Yes, Drake!’ 

The camera followed him as he left the room, walking tall with his chest out. The Fab Five gasped when the camera showed the ballroom with its glittering chandeliers.  People were dancing already. Liam came forward as soon as he saw Drake enter. 

‘Drake! Oh my God, you’re wearing a suit!’ he cried, beaming. ‘You look incredible!’

‘Awwwwww!’ Jonathan said, his eyes filling with tears. ‘They’re such besties!’ 

Drake hugged Liam and gave him a smile. ‘I know, right?’

‘Oh my God, I’m in love with self assured, confident Drake Walker,’ Karamo announced. ‘Seriously, where are my divorce papers?’

Liam guided Drake further into the ballroom, the camera following. Some of the nobles turned to look, curious as to why they were being filmed. A blonde haired woman with blue eyes and a scowl on her face. She studied Drake. 

‘So, the runt wore a suit.’

The Fab Five straightened up, all laughter and joy gone. ‘Who the hell is this bitch?’ Jonathan demanded. ‘Who the hell-’

‘Madeleine,’ Drake drawled. He bowed, which made Liam’s eyes widen and Madeleine step back, confused. ‘How nice to see you again.’

Madeleine frowned. ‘Why are you being polite?’

Drake shrugged. ‘You go low, I go high, right?’

Karamo let out a whoop and jumped up, dancing around. ‘Yes, Drake! Yes!’ 

Drake gave Madeline a smirk and watched as she backed away. Liam stared at Drake. ‘What did they do to you?’ he asked, bewildered. Drake laughed. ‘A lot, Liam. They’re brilliant.’

‘Awwwwwww!’ the Fab Five cried. ‘He loves us!’

‘Come see my suitors,’ Liam whispered. Drake nodded and followed Liam to a line of women who were dressed in their finery, all trying their best to look regal and like a future Queen. 

The camera watched Drake as his eyes slid over the Duchesses before landing on a dark haired woman. He studied her body, his eyes going up and down.

‘Holy shit, is Drake checking out one of Liam’s suitors?’ Bobby asked. ‘I don’t think he’s allowed to do that..’

The girl in question looked at Drake and curtseyed. ‘Hi, I’m-’

‘Oh my God, she’s American!’ Tan squealed. ‘Ahhhh, get her out of the competition and be with her, Drake!’

‘Shhh, we missed her name!’ Jonathan scolded. ‘She’s so pretty.’

Drake cleared his throat and bowed to her, as etiquette dictated.

‘I’m Drake Walker.’ 

[gffa]

Scattered Star Wars thoughts: - I finished the audiobook of A Crash of Fate and it’s pretty much exactly what I expected out of it--it’s a YA novel with Star Wars window dressing, where the bigger events of the galaxy are so distant they might as well not even be there, the two characters fall in love over the span of a day, communication issues are the biggest challenge (other than the last quarter of the book has the main character’s old acquaintances popping back up, as you know they would when you started the book), and it’s exactly what it’s supposed to be.  None of these comments are a value judgement, because one person is going to find them to be a minus and then the next will find them to be a plus, and that too is exactly what it’s supposed to be. I think a lot depends on how much you’re charmed by the tropes of YA stories, of stories being centered almost entirely on the love story between two characters, and that will determine a lot of what you get out of the book.  Since I’m not a big fan of “fell in love over the period of 24 hours” (not even when they knew each other when they were much younger), the book could never really get me onboard with the Jules/Izzy relationship feelings, I never got swept up in their relationships, especially when so much was told to us about who these characters are (well, who Izzy is, Jules is just kind of there), and the uphill battle of trying to make me care about Batuu The Product Placement Planet, when it’s so obviously about the corporate tie-ins. That’s not to say it’s a bad book, nor do I regret having picked it up!  There was a point towards the end, when I had less than an hour left of the book to go, I almost paused it to go listen to something else, just because I didn’t want to be finished with it, that it’d become something of my comfortable listening.  It was easy to have it on in the background and let it go for a couple of hours while I cleaned or played a game.  I found it to have a genuine charisma that made me want to keep going!  Whether this is the light material of the book itself or that I really enjoyed the narrator’s voices or even a mix of the two, I can’t say.  Yet I definitely found that I was fond of this book by the end. But I’m still not the target audience for this, so my review comes with some giant grains of salt, and maybe I wouldn’t have read it if I didn’t want to have the dubious honor of having read all the SW canon books, but it was a fun way to have some background ambiance for the hours it took to get through the book and I’d love to hear from others if they really got sucked into it and liked it, what made it work for them!  But if the above stuff isn’t really your jam, if you’re not looking to be a completionist, then this one might not be the one for you, either.  It depends on what you want to get out of a Star Wars book. - Now that I’ve finished that one, time to pick a new one!  I want to read Treason and Black Spire and Alphabet Squadron, so those are out.  I probably should start Empire’s End again, I keep putting it off because I don’t want there to be No More Aftermath.  But instead I’m gonna try Star Wars and Philosophy.  I’ve tried reading this one in novel form, but it slides off my brain every time--and 10 minutes in, I’m remembering why. This is a book that brings up really interesting philosophical questions, stuff like, “Can you choose against your destiny?” or “Could Luke have lived his life on Tatooine and been just fine?” or assumes that Obi-Wan and Yoda were trying to get Luke to kill Vader.  These are things that the narrative and the creators have already specifically answered and so I’m left with this dissonance between the idea of THESE THINGS HAVE SPECIFIC TO THIS UNIVERSE ANSWERS ALREADY (WHICH YOU ARE GETTING WRONG ACCORDING TO THE NARRATIVE INTENTION) versus OH MY GOD SHUT UP AND LET PEOPLE HAVE THEIR FUN OF SPECULATING. (Me, trying to be cool while listening to this book, then inevitably there’s a voice in my head yelling-- ONE, Yes, George Lucas says Anakin “went against his Fate” in ROTS so you’re not locked into pre-destined choices, TWO, sort of, the TLJ novelization has Luke having a Force dream about what that would have been like, THREE,  George Lucas specifically says, no, they weren’t trying to get Luke to kill Vader, but they needed him to be prepared that it MIGHT happen.) Because speculation is an important part of being a fan, one that the creators of Star Wars have talked about how they don’t want to take that way.  It’s why we don’t have any word of god answers on what the hell Mortis is, because Dave Filoni specifically said that they do have answers, but they’re not going to give them because that would ruin speculation.  I mean, they don’t do it on everything and George Lucas famously goes around going, “Oh, yeah, here’s what that means.” (WHICH I LOVE HIM FOR, I LOVE WORD OF GOD STUFF) and even he doesn’t tell you how to think about every single thing, that some things are up to interpretation.  It’s a balance between talking about the narrative intentions up to a certain point but still allowing people to have their own reactions and speculation, which isn’t easy, but I like the balance they’ve achieved.  (Especially because no one is obligated to take word of god narrative intention into account.  Hell, no one’s obligated to take canon into account if they don’t want to, much less what the creators say about the intentions behind it!) All of which isn’t really the point of a philosophy book (this is more a navel-gazing post about me than it is about this book XD), but it does distract me away when the premises brought up to bring about these interesting questions are ones that have already been answered and that’d be fine, except the point of the book (and they say this early on) is that there aren’t any answers to these things.  Which, if you want to discount those answers, that’s totally cool!  But they are still answers.  And I have a hellish time getting that out of the way so I can just settle in with the book. Which may be a frustratingly silly reason to bounce off a book, but, eh, at least I’m not to Tolkien Scholar Levels of Being A Nerd.  (I say with genuine admiration, there are some hardcore Tolkien Nerds and I LOVE THEM.) Scattered Star Wars Thoughts/2019 Resolutions Update: - A Crash of Fate (audiobook) Current total:  278/520

[arokaladin]

astriiformes replied to your post “Something has bothered me about the criticism of "nonamorous" that...”

I think the difficulty is that even if it isn't supposed to be a binary, people treat it like one, because I absolutely have seen people label certain aros as "amorous" which is..... uncomfy to say the least, and seems easier to avoid with different terminology. The additional sexual connotations of "amorous" are another reason it doesn't necessarily seem like quite the right word to work with, but I don't know (1/2)

I keep getting very conflicting definitions how how it’s supposed to work/where it’s supposed to come from and some of them seem revealing of some pretty uncomfortable viewpoints and it seems like it might be easier to avoid some of that with different language that didn’t dip into those possible implications, but I wish I had, like, better ideas for what WOULD avoid that (though the language debate itself is something that feels a little complicated to begin with) (2/2)

So, that sucks, and I’d be the first to say it’s gross (I can kind of relate somewhat as people incorrectly defining qprs as partially romantic suddenly made me feel Bad as a romance repulsed aro who had a qp before. it feels nasty to be associated with something that way against your will) but my opinion is that some people using a word incorrectly doesn’t cancel out any need for it in the first place? 

Like, there are people out there who are ace, and who label all non aces as overly sexual perverts. That’s also incorrectly forcing a binary/value judgement of no sexual interest versus too much sexual interest. But that doesn’t mean people don’t need to identify as asexual, to signify that despite what the norm is seen as being in mainstream society, they experience no sexual attraction. 

Likewise, to answer your question about how it’s supposed to work, within the aro community it’s assumed that people will have some kind of qpr or partnership. Some who don’t want that feel strongly enough about it that we feel we need a word for our experience, to be able to talk about it (as is I have to start off all posts on the topic with ‘as an aro who doesn’t want a qpr or any other kind of relationship seen as required for aros by some parts of the community) and to make sure others are aware that we are personally uncomfortable with being in relationships. Kind of like adjacent to or a kind of romance repulsion? That’s just my personal view and why I want a word like this. To be honest its a fairly new concept and I think meant to be a little nebulous so yeah, definitions are probably floaty as is. 

As for using a different word, We Have Tried. I know you suggest finding alternatives in good faith, but nonamorous, nonpartnering, and a bunch of other suggestions have all been shot down by people who don’t need to use them and I think it’s getting to be a bit of a touchy subject because those with objections tend not to have any other suggestions. 

I don’t think we’re ever going to find a word that no one has any objection with, and as it is the attitude is I think getting to ‘fuck it we’ll call ourselves what we want’. Again not because we don’t respect other aros but because of the reasons explained above. And because a lot of us are tired? We might have already gone through this with ‘allosexual is sex shaming’ and ‘aspec is autistic spectrum’ and etc. I’m not by any means trying to compare objectors to aphobes like in those examples, but I just think it’s worth mentioning that a lot of us are already bruised by being told we can’t call ourselves our own word. 

I hope that explains a few things? I know it’s probably not the response you wanted, but those of us fighting for this word didn’t just decide to do so arbitrarily. I hope you can understand

[conservativetradlife]

What would you say is the biggest barrier to young women living traditional lifestyles?

Hello Anon!! Thank-you for the thought provoking question. 💕 This is going to end up being a wee bit long, so I will give you a TL;DR about how I feel, but if you want to read, I absolutely encourage you to read past the block to learn more. These are my personal opinions, and in no way reflect how other people feel about this question, but I hope it gives insight regardless.

TL;DR - The long and short of it is, I believe that three big contributors to the Traditional Barrier began with the Stigma for Women who desire a Traditional Lifestyle. The Feminist Movement was the ... kick in the sides the horse needed to get started, but its not the main cause, and its certainly not a negative in modern times, due to how many benefits it had on our Rights, however it placed a lot of pressure on women to choose a briefcase instead of a diaper bag. Finally, and most importantly The High Rates of Inflation has made surviving on a single income as a household complete with all the expenses children bring to the table. Finally, I believe that the general support of a tight knit Community, one we had not fifty years ago is no longer there. With lack of community, comes the lack of the ‘village’ children need to raise them, along with the female emotional support a lot of women need, for the trying job of child rearing makes being Truly Traditional very difficult to authentically uphold.

Thank-you for choosing to read through this, I appreciate it.  💕💕💕 I think that the Feminist Movement has been a big part in generating a barrier for women who strive to live Traditionally. That being said, its less about the blanket of Feminism and more of the expectations that all women should feel the same in regards to what they believe is their vocational role in the world.

There is a Stigma for Women, who choose to live within the Traditional Gender Roles (female the homemaker, the stay at home parent while the male is the main breadwinner, and the wife is respectful to her position at her husbands side.) After all, years of strong feminist women like Susan B Anthony, Emmeline Pankhurst (along with her daughters) and Lucy Stone, struggling through the Women’s Suffrage Movement, and yet despite all the progress, there are those who were happy in the positions they were in. How could someone betray the hard work of these Revolutionaries, by maintaining their stay at home positions? Why not take hold of your general rights, and implement them to be monetarily beneficial to yourself? Many people were under the impression that women as a whole were downtrodden and wanting change, but that obviously wasn’t the way of all women. The pressures to seize your individuality as a woman were overbearing, and it was seemingly an expectation to do so. Women who chose to stay at home were-... A step backward to those who sought to own and implement their own individual rights.

Group Peer Pressure to concede to become Career Women finding careers that would add value to their worth as women (personally, socially and economically) was expected. Rather than finding a good husband, building a home together, a family together and finding worth in being Wives and Mothers, Women were seeking occupations in increasingly competitive fields that had been previously dominated by men, and for some that was what they wanted, but not for everyone. The idea of becoming a Housewife in a Traditional Role beside your husband suddenly was viewed as a negative. Women who had previously grew up doting on their dolls and playing house, were sneered at by their peers who viewed the idea of these Domestic positions as demeaning, or less than someone who chose to be a doctor, a police woman, a scientist etc.

With the Economic Boom, its become a necessary evil for women to balance both, being a mother and being a career woman. Let not forget that its “far more profitable for a woman to purchase formula for her child while she goes to work, rather than stay home to breastfeed.” Most households in North America require more than one income to afford basic living conditions (during the Suffrage Movement in 1916, an annual income from a man would generally be rounded to around $690.00 a year, equaling in today’s economy to around $16,000. Where the median of purchasing a home in 2015 is around $177,600 versus 1916 where it costed around $3200, pretty feasible on what appears to be a small single income) general inflation has made purchasing a home on a single income nearly impossible. It is pretty much necessary to have double income to find somewhere to afford the cost of living, not including children or other expenses. The growth of the economy along with generalized inflation has made it very difficult to afford to be a housewife, and finding a career a must for survival. Some women are forced to work when they would rather be at home raising their family, due to these strict expenses to afford to survive month to month. This is pretty defining barrier for women who wish to be entirely traditional, even with minimalism, even with homesteading or other personal money making means. It’s hard to make rent, or your mortgage. You don’t have much of a choice but to work, and now you don’t have an excuse. 

Traditionalism has become stigmatized, sexualized and looked down upon as an economic burden to society. No matter what position you have, be it as a housewife or a career woman, you will be met with those who find reasons to have problems with it. If you’re a woman who has a rich husband, you’re lazy. If you need to work, and put your children in Daycare, you are a negligent parent. If you manage both, you are spreading yourself too thin, and unable to do both successfully to the best as you’re ‘distracted’ and a liability in the workplace due to unforeseen hazards of having children (getting sick, needing to pick children up from school, having limited hours due to need to be home) and if you manage to be a housewife, you’re a back step to progress. It can be... very discouraging.

In the end, the only Barriers that truly exist when it comes to Traditionalism, are in the Economy. Right now, as much as I want to blame Feminists for pressuring women to become self sufficient, for a lot of us, its unrealistic to be able to afford the dream Lifestyle we want as Homemakers in a Traditional way on a single income unless you have a spouse (or yourself) with a job that hosts an annual salary of a decent amount. Stigma and Judgement can be ignored and brushed off (as so many beautiful women in this community have done but not being able to afford the roof over your head between two people is another thing entirely. Some of us get lucky, but it can be a struggle bus for others. 

I believe that Community has become something truly rare in our modern society. Where before the neighborhood watched out for one another, church groups, play dates between children, at hand baby sitting and additional support in casserole dinners, we now are closed off, distant, and afraid of reaching out to become close to others, be that because of the neighborhood you can afford or a lack of feeling able to identify and socialize with other women. With this lack of community support, I believe a secondary barrier exists in that we feel so disconnected from one another that we are afraid to ask for help (after all, we’re supposed to be Strong Independent Women who can handle anything) and if we were able to do that again? I believe there would be a lot of changes to what is and is not a barrier to managing a Traditional Lifestyle between our sisters.

I hope that answers your question, thank-you for reading, God Bless. 💕

EDIT: I want to say thank-you again really quickly for giving me this question. I know I’m likely to get a lot of flack for mud slinging the Feminist Movement and I want to say now that I don’t vilify Feminism. It has allowed women to have a voice in our country, and have given us a lot of things we take for granted nowadays. That being said, with power comes responsibility, and with responsibility, expectations for everyone. Not all Feminists believe it is a bad thing to be a stay at home mother, a Homemaker, a Traditionalist, but there are those who have very negative toxic opinions of those who want to have those lifestyles. In general the Feminist Movement opened the door for feminine progress into the modern era, but it does come with its thorns.

[matildainmotion]

Mothering/ Making - but what about the Mating?!

           Spring has sprung at last. The bluebells are out in our garden. The apple tree is in blossom and a pair of wood pigeons that nest there are clearly busy. It is the month of May. The mating season has begun.  

           Mating. The thing that often, though not always, precedes mothering. A mate: your partner; your other half; your significant other; your wife; your husband; your spouse; your girlfriend; your boyfriend; your man; your woman; your dear one; your queer one; your ex. Have I left yours off the list? Please add them in….

           I feel nervous as I sit down to write about this. I have said before that I aim to challenge the ‘professional versus personal’ paradigm around which our lives are organised and via which the personal gets a poor name. But isn’t this theme getting a little toopersonal? It is okay to talk about mothering – it’s personal but valuing it is what I am advocating. It is okay to talk about making – it’s both personal and professional – that’s the point. It straddles both. But your mate? Your partner? Isn’t that a step too far? It feels like a ‘hot spot.’ It is tender, difficult, awkward, and yet it is huge. An elephant in the room, or a father/ mother/ non-binary other, just outside it. All the more reason to brave it. Here goes….

           In part I am nervous raising this topic because in doing so I could summon up the image of a group of mothers sitting round having a moan about their men. This is not my aim – quite the opposite in fact. It is also not the only reason why I feel nervous. Inevitably this is where I need to get personal….

           I have a husband. I still flinch slightly when I use this term. I like it because I love my husband and I loved our wedding. I want to honour the seriousness of my lifelong commitment to him. I do not like it because of the plethora of assumptions it brings with it about who I am and how my life is organised. It makes me a participant in the ‘proper world’ of marriage and all it brings – for better, for worse. I participate in the ‘properness’ and yet I also identify myself as outside or even against it, certainly not one of its unequivocal proponents.

           Back to my husband. We met whilst making. We made a show together. Then another. Then we made a home, and then, a baby.  I remember when our son first arrived I did not feel the instant overwhelming maternal love that some describe – the love grew later - but I did feel protective at once, responsible for this raw bundle of life with such palpable needs. This has continued. The children and my care of them – we now have two – are, for me, a given. I cannot not respond to them. If anything this is a confession, not a boast. Judgements aside, I am simply noticing that the children’s place in my day, as part of my time, is unquestionable.    

           I am in the extremely privileged, and weirdly traditional, position of being, for the most part, supported by my husband financially, which means I have been able to be a full time mother. I love it. I never resent the fact that I do most of the childcare, but I might if I had to give up my creative practice to do so. Along with the children being a given, it has felt essential for me to keep making – the critical quality of this need is the origin of Mothers who Make. So, I HAVE to mother, I HAVE to make – these two take up more than all my time, but what then of my marriage?

           Mothers Who Make acknowledges the challenges, as well as the joys, of mothering alongside making, but if I am honest the truly fractious, difficult fault line, or conundrum for me since becoming a mother has not been how to sustain my creative practice, but how to sustain and care for my relationship, for my mate. At night in the tiny window of time after the children are asleep (they go to bed late) I often have a choice: do I see my husband for an hour or do I do some work? At weekends we take it in turns: I give my husband some time to work while I am with the children, then we swap – no time for us. All too often the making and the marriage feel pitted against each other, even though I know that in fact the latter grew out of the former and the two are inextricably connected.

            Mothers Who Make meetings and events are adult-centred spaces but the children are welcomed and integrated. Such spaces are rare in our cultural topography yet whilst I am busy broadcasting about these to the world, showing that it is not only possible but good for all of us – adults and children alike – I do not manage it at home. At home we are child-centred and the adults needs are marginalised. We squeeze in our needs around the edge of the children’s or we don’t get them met at all. It is not how I wish it to be, but it is difficult to change. There are several reasons for this, some personal, some to do with the children we happen to have, some connected to our patterns of work  - working in the arts our work spills out into every corner of our lives, demanding its own nurturing, and in subtle ways makes it harder for us to assert our adult-connection and ownership of the home space.

           Another key reason, not particular to us, is the shortcomings of the nuclear family structure. Within a Mothers who Makemeeting a small community is formed for the duration of the session. Mostly there are more adults than children present in the space, and collectively, sitting in a circle, it is possible to hold the structure of the meeting in place, to keep the space adult-centred even whilst the children interrupt, shout, cry and run around us. With a circle of two, at home, it is harder. I am not saying it is impossible – for some it works, but I believe we need a greater diversity of structures around which we could build our lives. The royal fairy tale goes: man meets woman, they fall in love, marry, settle, have two or more children and live happily ever after.  We know it is not real or even necessarily desirable, and yet it is amazing how potent it still remains, how far we compare ourselves against it, so that any other narrative becomes a daring deviation or, worse, a failure.

           Whilst the bluebells and the apple tree may be blooming in the sunshine, the carrots that my son planted in one corner are only tiny shoots, barely showing through. Allotment gardeners talk about the month of May, when the winter brassica’s are over and the summer’s first broad bean’s have not yet come in, as ‘the hungry gap.’ There is little or no fresh produce, whilst everything grows. After our initial season of courtship and mating, my husband and I are in ‘the hungry gap’ – we’ve been in it for a while. The children are young and growing but not yet grown, and there is almost no time to feed our relationship. I trust we will come out the other side into a late summer romance, but it is a struggle. I wish we could find another gentler, more joyful way through, not just buckling down and bearing it. We are in the midst of trying, seeing if and how we might house my mother, the indomitable granny, who is as close as we can come to an extended family model, seeing if and how we might be able to reconfigure our home/ work spaces to better meet our needs.

           Here then are my month’s questions for you all: what’s your way through? How does it work for you? How does it not? What is blooming? What is struggling to grow? We need a plurality of stories, diverse gardens, a new sustainable ecology, within which to nurture ourselves, our work, our children and our mates be they men, women or queer - they are all dear.

[eminentfocus]

The Most Dangerous Stories

“Who we are, how we love, how we show up, that is not between us and mortal people.  That is between us and what we believe.” – Brene Brown

Yesterday, we set up the rules of engagement for a rumble, and today I promised that I would get into how to actually have these hard ass conversations without your armor on. This is part three of learning to bounce, and today it is all about your values and internal moral compass!  Didn’t see that coming, did ya?  Down the rabbit hole we go!

The rumble ring.  The biggest point I can make here is that a rumble is not a fight.  Quite the opposite, actually.  What it is about is taking off the armor and being ready to work hard.  It’s about battling yourself through the emotions of being vulnerable.  It’s about listening in a way that we want to be listened to.  To rumble, everyone in the ring has to be fully in it, or they are really just fans that belong on the sidelines.  It will end up always being a fight if you let the naysayers in, don’t do that.  It takes compassion, empathy, and emotional literacy to win this battle.  Know how to set up your ring and who to invite to rumble!

Compassion.  This is not just a default response to avoid sitting with someone else’s pain like we have been taught out here in the west.  I despise most condolences after a death because they are a default response to protecting ourselves from feeling another’s loss.  Bottom line. They are inauthentic ways to cope with not wanting to sit in the dark with someone else.  It is the urge to flick on the lights or drag someone else out of their darkness.  Compassion is the spiritual practice of understanding our own darkness and the darkness of others. Brene’s definition of compassion clearly states that we must understand that “knowing your darkness well enough that you can sit in the dark with other’s”, without feeling the need to act on our own “gritty underbelly” is the bottom line.  Because we all have one, it’s our choice in our decisions.  More on that down the page!

Empathy.  This is the strongest tool that anyone could ever learn in regard to human synergy. It is also the baseline for compassion.  Empathy is also teachable through four skill sets. Yup!  You can learn and teach others how to be empathetic!  Look at you, you super-being you!  It’s hard as FUCK though!  Just a heads up!  Ha! Ready for the skill sets that Brene has unearthed from her mass of data?    

1.       Stay out of judgement: Your judgements are just the story you tell yourself based on your experiences.  People’s judgements of you are just the story they tell themselves based on your behaviors and decisions.  Get out of there!  No one is right or wrong.  Ever.

2.       Perspective taking: Clearing judgement out of the way leaves room to get into someone else’s head.  If someone ever gives you the opportunity to view them without the rose-colored glasses, grab every detail you can.  Get the fuck out of what you think you know to be ready to learn.  

3.       Identifying emotion in others: You’ve been big mad lately, right?  So have I, my partner, my kids… Respect the fact that everyone has feelings.  They are right to feel whatever they feel.  You cannot change how other’s feel.  Emotions are not a directive.  Emotions do not always need a response.  We are identifying and feeling the reality that someone else faces.  Nothing more.

4.       Articulating an identified emotion: I’m overwhelmed.  You will hear me say this beauty of a coping line a lot.  Most times I default there because I don’t want to burden people with my negative emotions.  I don’t want to share my wins with people who are struggling.  Why?  Because identifying and giving verbal understanding and grace creates a safe enough space to be authentic.  This is what really drops the armor off.  This is when you know you are ready to get into the ring.

Emotional literacy. Notice how this all has to do with emotions?  Notice how we don’t really do that here in our western culture?  See the fucking problem?!?  Want a bigger one?  Our values are just emotions in action, and we do not do that here!  We do not do core values here, we do fitting in, and wonder why we don’t know how we ended up in this mess.  “Your core values are the deeply held beliefs that authentically describe your soul” and if you do not understand the “feelings” you are having, you cannot ever live into your values.  Period. That sucked!  I know!  Hold on, there’s more!  Labels are not fitting here, only canned goods, remember?  When we label a thing or a person, we put some people/things inside and some people/things outside based on the agreement we came to with our assumptions.  This does not work.  Instead, practice truly wanting to hear what someone else thinks, asking for clarity, making it a conversation about understanding and not a lecture about how you think about something.  Ps: learn your emotions versus trying to suppress them.    

Can you actually name what you value?  Get out some paper and write down at least seven of your current values.  Really, stop reading, and do it!  Now, In that list, do you see why you have made some of the life decisions that you have?  Example: Value one is financial stability. I value taking care of the needs of my family, so I work toward keeping an income.  Easy, right?  Well… what if you notice your decisions do not line up with your values?  I work to provide financially for my family, but I value time I miss while working with them too.  The hierarchy causes the conflict, not the value, which, in turn cause you to use willpower to fight against your damn self instead of being lead by your values!  Yuck! How about instead, you shift the order of the hierarchy of your values?  Remember, your values determine the decisions of our life.

As if that wasn’t heavy or long enough, as promised, we are now going to talk about the three most lethal, dangerous, destructive universal stories that we make up to go against our values.  Buckle up! We’re going for the throat today! Brene discovered that the worst stories we tell ourselves “question our lovability, our creativity, and our divinity”.  The biggest binding factor about these three items is that these are the very few things that another human can take from us. Anytime you question if you are loveable repeat this: “The ability, capacity, or willingness of others to love us” that has nothing to do with us.  Nope!  They are only the stories they tell themselves based on their experiences. It has nothing to do with you.  First shitty story- handled!  Whoop!  As Brene points out “unused creativity is not benign, it metastasizes” itself into grief, shame, judgement and other really shitty things that are not yours to own. The truth of this bullshit is that the worth of your work does not change based on someone else placing value in it.  True value comes from doing a thing for the pure reason of doing it.  When it comes to our divinity, I will simply use Brene’s take because I could write an entire book here- there is NOTHING “that has the right to question our divinity”.  Nothing. Burn all three of these pages.

I will let Brene summarize today with her words in lieu of my own as I work at tearing and burning some of my own pages.

“Living into our values means that we do more than profess our values, we practice them. We walk our talk- we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, and behaviors align with those beliefs.” - Brene Brown

[iamuberfrau]

#Metoo, Katz, Intent and Impact

My thoughts on the #Metoo thing as well as The Jackson Katz quote.

There is a lot here.

Regarding #Metoo, bear with me:

First and foremost is the relevancy of the thread that runs through this (and so many other) exercises highlighting intent versus impact. Exercises based in good intentions have the ability to spin wildly out of control. This is does not have to be a bad thing, especially when these moments result in conversations that are based in an effort to broaden people’s perspective and help them see or understand a broader, more inclusive view.

A Few Examples:

ABORTION –  in 2004, Planned Parenthood launched the “I had an abortion” T-shirt campaign, with the intent (supposedly, as I was not present at the inception) of demonstrating how many women have had abortions, to attempt to reduce the shame associated with the decision, reclaim power by reclaiming the word / message and to generate conversation, etc.

People lost their minds.

People read into it that women were wearing it as a sense of pride and a badge of honor: flaunting their abortions. Now, while I do not personally see a problem with that particular message, the opposition’s focus of shaming women did interrupt the sale of the shirts as well as the intent of the campaign. However, while probably not achieving PP’s intended goals, women who may not yet have shared their stories finally did. Women who endured decades of listening to family and friends denounce “those women” who had abortions now provided a familiar face to associate with that conversation, healthier conversations happened, and healing ensued (not for all, of course, as is the case with complex decisions).  Most importantly, women who were not ready to share their stories did not, and that was/is fine as well. There was no intention of shaming those who chose to remain silent, though that was not necessarily the impact / outcome.

TAKING A KNEE – It is nearly impossible to wrap one’s head around effects and outcomes of CK’s oh-so gentle yet oh-so powerful action. What we do know, however, is that people took it to mean what they wanted and needed it to mean, which, of course, became a twisted and bastardized version of what it meant for him. Moreover, as we know, those interested in understanding and learning more about his motivation and intent did so, and from that came exquisite reflections, conversations and (hopefully) the beginning of healing processes.

MOTHER’S DAY – What could be more simple, non-political and less traumatizing than wishing someone a happy Mother’s Day? Quite a lot, actually. There is a lot of pressure on women to procreate; the value of women is often measured by whether or not they have procreated, women who choose to not procreate are selfish, those who have lost children are to be either pitied or vilified, and the pain of those who are unable to parent (either through genetics or politics) is real and profound. Creating a loving space for and being conscious of the complexities around reproduction does not have to be difficult, yet it is. It is not uncommon for people, prior to wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day, to ask if I have children. I am blissfully child-free and am MOST fortunate that this particular issue is not a trigger for me, though I am surrounded by women who, in the right moment, can become crestfallen and be reduced to tears by that particular question. Having those conversations and helping people to understand the impact of that seemingly harmless gesture and to be more thoughtful / inclusive helps to generate reflections, conversations, and (hopefully) the beginning of healing processes.

Which brings me to  

#Metoo – For me, I found the simplicity of the statement to be powerful, to be the sharing of a bond, to connect with people on an additional level, and to support other who chose to step into that place. I had flashbacks to that awesome Valentine’s Day Vagina Monologues show at the Masonic, where, draped in red boas, the audience accepted Eve Ensler’s invitation to everyone who felt so compelled, to stand in unison. As we saw with #Metoo, many people chose to post a more specific message regarding female survivors of sexual assault and sexual harassment, some chose to include a broader message that included a less gendered population, men participated in posting and sharing their stories.  And many chose to remain silent, which carries no judgement (or at least was not and should not be the intent).

What have we learned?

We have learned about Tarana Burke.

Conversations regarding intersectionality and white feminism surface to remind us that no matter our intent, we can do better.

Reminders to be specific in our messaging regarding those who chose to remain silent: that we have their backs should they not (now or ever) be ready to speak more publicly.

We have been reminded that we have more in common than what divides us.

We have been reminded that we have the strength in numbers that we need to burn this shit to the ground.

And most importantly, (with any luck) is that from this comes exquisite reflections, conversations and (hopefully) the beginning of healing processes.

As for Jackson Katz, I am sure that he is a very nice man with the best of intentions. And yes, his statement and perspective are fairly spot on.

Here’s the thing.

Women have been saying this for forEVER, but now that a man has said it people hear it?

Haven’t women been asking for decades, let’s stop asking victims why they stay and let’ ask men why they abuse?

Haven’t women been trying to point out that women don’t “get themselves pregnant?”

Haven’t women been pointing out for centuries that rape is not a result of what a woman wore or how much they drank but because a man made a conscious decision to rape them?

So while I choose to believe that his INTENTIONS are good, don’t come to me looking for a cookie, a gold star or a pat on the back. Yes, men, you need to step up. You need to be having this conversation with each other, and you need to be holding each other accountable and you need to be calling each other out on your shit and you need to address toxic masculinity and if, within the guise of Jackson Katz you have found something that make sense and you can FINALLY hear the messages that women have been screaming throughout the centuries, then run with it. Step up. Do you job. Get your shit together. But don’t hold him out a some great messiah because you now choose to hear the message.

[magzoso-tech]

New Post has been published on https://magzoso.com/tech/messaging-app-wire-confirms-8-2m-raise-responds-to-privacy-concerns-after-moving-holding-company-to-the-us/

Messaging app Wire confirms $8.2M raise, responds to privacy concerns after moving holding company to the US

Big changes are afoot for Wire, an enterprise-focused end-to-end encrypted messaging app and service that advertises itself as “the most secure collaboration platform”. In February, Wire quietly raised $8.2 million from Morpheus Ventures and others, we’ve confirmed — the first funding amount it has ever disclosed — and alongside that external financing, it moved its holding company in the same month to the US from Luxembourg, a switch that Wire’s CEO Morten Brogger described in an interview as “simple and pragmatic.”

He also said that Wire is planning to introduce a freemium tier to its existing consumer service — which itself has half a million users — while working on a larger round of funding to fuel more growth of its enterprise business — a key reason for moving to the US, he added: There is more money to be raised there.

“We knew we needed this funding and additional to support continued growth. We made the decision that at some point in time it will be easier to get funding in North America, where there’s six times the amount of venture capital,” he said.

While Wire has moved its holding company to the US, it is keeping the rest of its operations as is. Customers are licensed and serviced from Wire Switzerland; the software development team is in Berlin, Germany; and hosting remains in Europe.

The news of Wire’s US move and the basics of its February funding — sans value, date or backers — came out this week via a blog post that raises questions about whether a company that trades on the idea of data privacy should itself be more transparent about its activities.

Specifically, the changes to Wire’s financing and legal structure were only communicated to users when news started to leak out, which brings up questions not just about transparency, but about the state of Wire’s privacy policy, given the company’s holding company now being on US soil.

So turns out @wire changed ownership, didn’t really notify anyone as per their own privacy policy, and worst of all it’s to a US entity. It’s been proven time after time we shouldn’t place our data (or trust) into US entities. I used wire because it was different. Cc @Snowden https://t.co/i2cwAhMaTQ

— Peter Sunde Kolmisoppi (@brokep) November 12, 2019

It was an issue picked up and amplified by NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden. Via Twitter, he described the move to the US as “not appropriate for a company claiming to provide a secure messenger — claims a large number of human rights defenders relied on.”

If you’re a tech journalist, you should be digging into the story behind what’s going on behind the curtain here. This is not appropriate for a company claiming to provide a secure messenger — claims a large number of human rights defenders relied on — and we need facts. https://t.co/iV4tRZwgDR

— Edward Snowden (@Snowden) November 12, 2019

The key question is whether Wire’s shift to the US puts users’ data at risk — a question that Brogger claims is straightforward to answer: “We are in Switzerland, which has the best privacy laws in the world” — it’s subject to Europe’s General Data Protection Regulation framework (GDPR) on top of its own local laws — “and Wire now belongs to a new group holding, but there no change in control.” 

In its blog post published in the wake of blowback from privacy advocates, Wire also claims it “stands by its mission to best protect communication data with state-of-the-art technology and practice” — listing several items in its defence:

All source code has been and will be available for inspection on GitHub (github.com/wireapp).

All communication through Wire is secured with end-to-end encryption — messages, conference calls, files. The decryption keys are only stored on user devices, not on our servers. It also gives companies the option to deploy their own instances of Wire in their own data centers.

Wire has started working on a federated protocol to connect on-premise installations and make messaging and collaboration more ubiquitous.

Wire believes that data protection is best achieved through state-of-the-art encryption and continues to innovate in that space with Messaging Layer Security (MLS).

But where data privacy and US law are concerned, it’s complicated. Snowden famously leaked scores of classified documents disclosing the extent of US government mass surveillance programs in 2013, including how data-harvesting was embedded in US-based messaging and technology platforms.

Six years on, the political and legal ramifications of that disclosure are still playing out — with a key judgement pending from Europe’s top court which could yet unseat the current data transfer arrangement between the EU and the US.

Privacy versus security

Wire launched at a time when interest in messaging apps was at a high watermark. The company made its debut in the middle of February 2014, and it was only one week later that Facebook acquired WhatsApp for the princely sum of $19 billion.

We described Wire’s primary selling point at the time as a “reimagining of how a communications tool like Skype should operate had it been built today” rather than in in 2003. That meant encryption and privacy protection, but also better audio tools and file compression and more.

It was a pitch that seemed especially compelling considering the background of the company. Skype co-founder Janus Friis and funds connected to him were the startup’s first backers (and they remain the largest shareholders); Wire was co-founded in by Skype alums Jonathan Christensen and Alan Duric (no longer with the company); and even new investor Morpheus has Skype roots.

Yet even with that Skype pedigree, the strategy faced a big challenge.

“The consumer messaging market is lost to the Facebooks of the world, which dominate it,” Brogger said today. “However, we made a clear insight, which is the core strength of Wire: security and privacy.”

That, combined with trend around the consumerization of IT that’s brought new tools to business users, is what led Wire to the enterprise market in 2017 — a shift that’s seen it pick up a number of big names among its 700 enterprise customers, including Fortum, Aon, EY and SoftBank Robotics.

But fast forward to today, and it seems that even as security and privacy are two sides of the same coin, it may not be so simple when deciding what to optimise in terms of features and future development, which is part of the question now and what critics are concerned with.

“Wire was always for profit and planned to follow the typical venture backed route of raising rounds to accelerate growth,” one source familiar with the company told us. “However, it took time to find its niche (B2B, enterprise secure comms).

“It needed money to keep the operations going and growing. [But] the new CEO, who joined late 2017, didn’t really care about the free users, and the way I read it now, the transformation is complete: ‘If Wire works for you, fine, but we don’t really care about what you think about our ownership or funding structure as our corporate clients care about security, not about privacy.’”

And that is the message you get from Brogger, too, who describes individual consumers as “not part of our strategy”, but also not entirely removed from it, either, as the focus shifts to enterprises and their security needs.

Brogger said there are still half a million individuals on the platform, and they will come up with ways to continue to serve them under the same privacy policies and with the same kind of service as the enterprise users. “We want to give them all the same features with no limits,” he added. “We are looking to switch it into a freemium model.”

On the other side, “We are having a lot of inbound requests on how Wire can replace Skype for Business,” he said. “We are the only one who can do that with our level of security. It’s become a very interesting journey and we are super excited.”

Part of the company’s push into enterprise has also seen it make a number of hires. This has included bringing in two former Huddle C-suite execs, Brogger as CEO and Rasmus Holst as chief revenue officer — a bench that Wire expanded this week with three new hires from three other B2B businesses: a VP of EMEA sales from New Relic, a VP of finance from Contentful; and a VP of Americas sales from Xeebi.

Such growth comes with a price-tag attached to it, clearly. Which is why Wire is opening itself to more funding and more exposure in the US, but also more scrutiny and questions from those who counted on its services before the change.

Brogger said inbound interest has been strong and he expects the startup’s next round to close in the next two to three months.

[thexgrayxlady]

Shepard Traitor Soldier Spy - Chapter 3

Notes: So apparently Tumblr doesn’t show links in the tags. Whatever. Also this hellsite fucks with my formatting.  I'm still not sure if I'm going to stick to a schedule for this. I'm trying for weekly updates, but we'll see. My work schedule is weird. Also I really enjoy writing Shepard and Garrus interacting. This chapter's title is from Owl City's Bombshell Blonde.

Summary:  If there was one thing Mira Shepard hated more than getting into getting into a fight, it was getting into a fair fight.

Live to Die another Day

Lawson told her she should go after the scientist first. It was a pitifully small act of rebellion, likely to backfire, and incredibly petty, but she instead opted to go after Archangel. She looked Lawson dead in the eye as the woman gave her what was likely a very well planned out speech, designed specifically with her psych profile in mind, in order to get her to go along with Doctor's Orders.

She got a sort of perverse pleasure out of responding with a simple, "No."

"If you're not going to listen to me, at least take me with you on this assignment," Lawson said. "You're letting your preconceived notions about Cerberus cloud your judgement."

"Doctor Lawson, this is nothing personal. If it were, I'd bring Kisumi," she said, examining her armor. "The squad needs to pass for mercenaries. Zaeed is a mercenary and Lieutenant Taylor did his time with the Corsairs. Nothing in your file indicates that you are more qualified for the job than either of them."

"Commander, after the stunt you pulled on the citadel you obviously need to have someone who's more experienced in…"

"I understand the difficult position I put you in with your employer by leaving my squadmates on the Citadel," she said, setting down the shoulder piece and checking her helmet's air filters. If she had to die again, it wouldn't be choking. "However, should this mission go wrong, and you, Taylor, and I are on it, it will be even more difficult for whoever's left to explain how the Illusive Man's hand picked team was killed."

"Do you really think I'd be so incompetent as to let the two of you get killed?"

"No, but anybody can get a lucky shot and there has to be a backup plan." If she had her way, she had at least four going into even a basic operation. "And if something happens to you then who runs the Lazarus cell?"

Then she stopped checking her gear and looked at Lawson for a split second, her expression a calculated blank. Just long enough for Lawson to see the gears turning in her head. Just for long enough for Lawson to never feel safe on an away team with her again.

Lawson knew exactly how easy it would be for her. She had a cloak and a sniper rifle. When the mercs moved on Archangel, things could get messy. All Lawson would have to do would be to take her eyes off of her for a second and it was very difficult to track a ghost when you had bullets coming at you from all sides.

"What do you think Lawson," she said, holding up her chest piece. "I would be correct in assuming I could requisition funds for something that doesn't scream, "I'm a Marine! Shoot Me!" wouldn't I?"

X~*~X~*~X~*~X~*~X

"Bet mine's bigger," she said, sliding her pistol across the table. "Sayyida al Hurra, Reds. This is my associate Jacob Taylor and I trust you know Zaeed Massani." There was no point in pretending he was anything else.

"I thought the Reds got picked up by C-Sec a couple years ago," the man said, taking her gun and inspecting it.

"It's a lot easier to move Sand onto the Citadel if they think you're all either dead or in lockup," she said, a cocky smirk spreading across her face. Finch was like Anderson. He never saw the knife until she pulled it out of his back.

"You're a long way from Citadel space Sayyida," he said, checking her SMG and sniper rifle as she passed them over. "What are you doing on Omega?"

"With old guard gone, you could say we're finally looking to expand our avenues of interest," she said. "A friend," she gestured to Zaeed, "told me Blue Suns were looking to subcontract. Consider this our job interview."

"If you can handle it," he said. "Shuttle's by the space port. We'll talk payment after the job's done."

"I look forward to doing business with you," she said, taking her weapons back and holstering them.

Some kid bumped her on her way out. She took one look at him, skinny, too big ears, a pistol with kickback he probably couldn't handle, and told herself that she took the gun and crushed it like a cheap beer can so that she had to fight one less merc to get to Archangel.

X~*~X~*~X~*~X~*~X

If there was one thing Mira Shepard hated more than getting into getting into a fight, it was getting into a fair fight. Fortunately, this was a loosely allied group of mercenary factions. They trusted each other about as well as she could handle an assault rifle and with the right words, they'd do half her work for her.

This would work better if she had more time. She could be more subtle if she had more time. As it was, she was using a sledgehammer to do the work of a surgical scalpel. If she had at least a week behind enemy lines, she could have half of them dead before they hit the bridge and the other half spooking at their own shadows. As much as she would have liked a week, she could make do with a few hours and Archangel already had the leadership jumpy.

Eclipse would be first across the bridge. She quietly let slip to Taylor as they were walking through their camp that Blue Sun must value them about as much as they did the freelancers, but she was grateful she wasn't in between Blood Pact and their pay day.

Then it would be Blood Pact. Again, Eclipse would be first across the bridge. They'd get credit for taking down Archangel and the Blue Suns would get credit for organizing the whole thing. As one of the krogan was walking by, she whispered to Zaeed that she thought that the Blue Suns were afraid of the Blood Pact getting to Archangel and just loudly enough for the Krogan to hear, he agreed.

Blue Suns would be the hardest to crack. They ran more like a corporation than a mercenary group. Before joining up, she sat in a hole in the wall noodle shop and studied what little data on them she could get past Cerberus censors and questioned Zaeed about what he remembered from his time with them. He'd been cagey and while she'd been able to remove the worst of the monitoring software from her Omni-tool, the blocks were strong as ever. She would have to make do with sabotaging their hardware.

Still, it wasn't a waste of time. She wasn't going to eat anything provided to her by Cerberus. It would be all too easy for them to slip something into food to make her compliant. Cheap noodles wouldn't be her first choice of first meal, but she wasn't in a position to be picky.

She was surprised they left the YMIR units as unsecured as they did, but they had no reason to suspect anybody would hack the mechs and she wasn't about to look a gift mech in the charge port. She set Jacob and Zaeed to watch the door while she cloaked and went to work.

The YMIR units had a notorious short circuit in their head. One lucky shot would take out not only the mech, but any surrounding combatants. She could rewire it to blow as soon as it booted up, but there was no fun in that. Reprogramming the friend-or-foe targeting would be more difficult, but ultimately more rewarding.

If it started firing on its own masters, it would deepen the rift between the factions. Any survivors would wonder why it turned on them, they could continue with their mission, but they could also bolt or go out for revenge. Any outcome would be acceptable. Moreso if they chose to go after the other mercs, but any who remained after the mech was done with them would be tired and worn down, easier to pick off.

Plus, hacking the mech's targeting systems would make her feel better about not being able to hack into Cerberus' databases.

She finished the hack and on her way out of the room, rifled through the crates for good measure. Taylor gave her a look, but she ignored it. If he wanted to judge her for picking up the odd loose credit chit or datapad, she could remind him that he was part of a terrorist organization.

Then there was the gunship. If that got off the ground, it could be a bit of a problem. She did not like the odds of the three of them plus a vigilante who may not want to join them versus a gunship, plus whatever mercs were left over.

She would have to wait for the other freelancers to clear out, then there was only Sargent Cathka. If she could get herself alone with that ship for a few minutes, she could do some truly beautiful work. She didn't have time to ground it, but she could jam the guns, sabotage the cooling system, overload the steering, disable the shield generators, all manner of chaos.

She checked in with the other freelancers and slipped under the rail to talk to Cathka. He asked why she wasn't with the other freelancers, she told him she wanted to get as much information on their situation as possible. She asked her questions, mostly about the bridge and what he thought about Archangel's capabilities. He answered, then they got the signal to move on Archangel's position. The rest of the freelancers made for the bridge.

She hung back and found that in a pinch, an electric welder made an excellent stun gun.

She asked Jacob to drag Cathka behind some crates while she figured out what to do with the gunship. It was only a matter of time until they found his unconscious body and she intended to be as far away as possible when that happened.

Cathka left his screwdrivers within easy reach of the console. Having something solid in her hands as she worked felt calming. She liked hardware, didn't get enough chances to work on it. This kind of work, sabotage and infiltration was far more in line with her skillset than a straight up firefight.

She started pulling wires loose, but leaving them just enough in their sockets so that it looked like nothing happened. She smiled because she was six years out and she still hadn't lost her touch.

She allowed herself a moment to relish the warmth spreading through her chest as she shorted the battery and the thrill of evading detection. She never thought she'd thank Cerberus for giving her a chance to truly shine again, but the work felt good. It felt like home.

She wanted to take her time with this, give the task the care and attention it deserved, but she would have to settle for one quick, yet difficult to detect solution. Decoupling the shield generator would be the best she could do in two minutes.

She could only hope that the pilot saw the unconscious Sargent and thought better of getting in the gunship.

X~*~X~*~X~*~X~*~X

"Taylor, Massani, hang back," she said, taking cover behind a crate.

She watched the other freelancers cross over the bridge, watched too many fall to sniper fire. Archangel was just as good as the mercs made him out to be. Between the Reds, Alliance Intelligence, and Special Forces, she'd been shot at by many people. Very few could match the speed and accuracy with which he placed each shot. Even if he was exhausted and making mistakes, she had to admire his skill.

She thought better of having Zaeed and Jacob cross the bridge with her. She could cloak. They couldn't. She could get to Archangel without being mistaken for one of the mercenaries coming to kill them.

She cloaked and peered through her scope. One of the bomb techs made it through to the building. She was working on something in front of a couch. The mercenaries were clustered. If she could shoot it, she could take out the tech and a good number of the freelancers. It would blow her cover, but maybe it would be better to do that here than in the middle of a bunch of pissed off freelancers.

"Alright," she said, ducking back down and turning to her squad. "Both of you stay here and give me cover. I'm going to clear a path. Follow on my order."

She made sure her rifle was loaded, then took the shot. As the explosion ripped through the building, she jumped the crate and rushed the gap. She took cover behind a pillar and checked her SMG before getting a look at the room.

There were two freelancers left downstairs, one staggering to get their bearings, and she didn't know how many on the second floor. The concrete prevented the fire from overtaking the building, yet the shouldering couch provided enough smoke to give her some cover. She leaned out to get a better angle on the more oriented mercenary.

Pain ripped through her shoulder and she dropped to her knees.

"Secure the O2 line with one hand and firmly hold it in place, while with the other, turn the locking mechanism…"

She shook her head and took a moment to breathe, remind herself that she could. She didn't have a dislocated shoulder and she didn't have an airline to secure with one hand. She didn't have time for this. Archangel hadn't finished the job, but that didn't mean that the freelancers couldn't.

As she scrambled back to her feet, one of the freelancers glowed bright blue before being pulled onto the bridge. Behind her there was a crack of sniper fire, whether it was Zaeed or Archangel she didn't know.

"Commander?" Jacob said. "You still there?"

She still didn't trust or like Jacob, but she knew where she stood with him and unlike Lawson, he had no delusions about the darker side of Cerberus. He was an honest man, but not a true believer. She wouldn't trust him at her back outside of a firefight, but so long as he was ostensibly on her side, she could work with him.

"Not my first time getting shot," she said. The Cerberus armor she'd borrowed held up remarkably well. "Nor will it likely be the last."

She made short work of the last freelancer in the room, then signaled for her squad to follow up the stairs. As she finished hacking her way through a blood-spattered door, as a point of professional pride, she was almost tempted to double tap the mercenary responsible for bungling the lock so badly she had to work around not only Archangel's safeguards, but his own crappy safecracking code.

"Archangel?" she said, entering the room, her squadmates close behind.

The Turian turned to her and settled onto a crate. His posture was a failed attempt at confidence, what was supposed to be a casual lean looked more like a tired slump, and his hands shook as he began to remove his helmet.

Somehow, she was not surprised to see the face under the helmet, nor the trouble that he had gotten himself into.

"Garrus?" she said, dropping her SMG to her side. She wouldn't thank Lawson for stopping her from looking him up on the Citadel, but she was glad she hadn't wasted her time and a lot of worrying.

"Shepard," the Turian said. His voice wavered. Whether it was exhaustion, blood loss, or shock at seeing her she couldn't say. "I thought you were dead."

"I got better," she replied, breaking out in a rare grin. "No thanks to you by the way."

"Concussive rounds only, I had to make it look good," he replied. "Didn't want the mercs to get suspicious."

"If you say so," she said. "Garrus, what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," he replied, wincing as he shifted on the crate.

"I can explain later," she said, setting up her gear near the balcony. "Right now, you've got all the major mercenary factions on Omega waiting on the other side of that bridge for you, so unless you've got another way out, we're the cavalry."

"I'm stuck up here," he replied. "Still, it's good to see a friendly face."

"I'd say it's about time for you and me both," she said, holding out her arm to help him off the crate. "Getting in here was easy, getting out's going to be another story."

"The bridge's worked so far, these morons have nowhere to hide, forcing them to group up and walk in a line, but it works both ways. If we try to leave…"

"Then we're the morons with nowhere to hide from dozens of assault rifles," she said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "So we're going to have to shoot our way through three of the most powerful mercenary factions on Omega to get out. Fantastic." She'd prepared for this. It didn't mean she had to like it.

"It'll be just like old times Shepard," he said, setting the rifle on the railing.

"You want to know how many times I almost died in the old times?" she said.

"Hey now, you got better," he replied. His laugh sounded more like a cough. "Let's get a look at what these guys are up to…" He put his eye to the scope. "Looks like they know their infiltration team failed. They're gearing up for round two."

He handed her the rifle so she could look. Eclipse mechs walked through the gates. The LOKI model shared a key design flaw with the YMIR mechs and Eclipse hadn't thought to protect the heads.

"We've got company," she said, tossing Garrus his rifle. "Massani, set up on the far end of the balcony. Taylor, go with him. Anything that gets to the building, pull it back. If I need you to, both of you be ready to fall back to the steps."

She would stay with Garrus. He looked unsteady and she knew what days of being trapped with no sleep and little food and water would do to a person.

"I'm impressed Garrus," she said, settling into position next to him. "Every single merc in Omega and they're all here to see you."

"It wasn't easy Shepard," he replied, reloading. "I really had to work on it."

As much as she would have liked to keep up the banter, there was work to be done. Zaeed's swearing told her that the enemy had deployed rocket launchers. They would have to work quickly, take them out first.

Then a tell-tale noise told her that Eclipse was deploying the YMIR unit and she suppressed a grin. It certainly wasn't her best work, but from the shouting below she could tell that she'd done at least a satisfactory job.

"Shepard, you look way too proud of yourself," Garrus said, leaning against the wall to catch his breath. "What did you do?"

"A good job," she said, grinning as she reloaded.

Then from the other side of the bridge came a surprisingly clear shout of, "Fuck this! You're not paying me enough!"

"A very good job," she added.

X~*~X~*~X~*~X~*~X

The floor around his head was blue and her heart was in her throat, but she had to keep going. She didn't think this through. She didn't prepare enough. She let herself get cocky and let herself think that just damaging the gunships's shields would be enough. She had the opportunity, she could have done more.

"Garrus," she said, dropping to her knees beside him and prepping the little medi-gel she had left. He moaned, she didn't know if she should take that as a good sign. "Come on Garrus. I didn't come all the way here just for you to die on me."

She had basic first aid training and Kaidan had walked her through more complicated procedures. As she looked at Garrus, she knew that his injuries went far beyond her meager skillset, but she couldn't help him if she panicked.

"Jacob," she said, willing her hands steady as she gently tore the medigel pack open. She kept her voice level, emotionless. "Radio the ship. Tell Dr. Chakwas to get the medbay prepped, dextro materials only, Turian fluids, and that if Lawson gets within twenty yards of this patient, she can take a walk into the airlock with a faulty helmet."

[sweetlifetownsville]

It's A Bugger ...But Maybe A Blessing, Too. Do We Need To Clean Up More Than The Mud And Mould?

The deliberate managed flooding of Townsville should be the catalyst for a far-ranging review of how we do things in this city and maybe the way forward is to know how we should not have done them before. Are we entering the phase of the faceless spokesman? Seems so, as Mayor Mullet suddenly refuses to comment on some matters. The floodwaters might have receded but some leeches are still hanging around firmly plonking their suckers on the public tit one exponent of the big suck is particularly prominent or has Shayne Sutton departed our company? and never the twain should meet its not just the Astonisher having problems with keeping the wrong ads away from the wrong story one of Britains more respected papers has dropped a complete clanger Plus your regular illustrated Trump gallery But first Damned If Adani Do, Damned If Adani Dont The Pies favorite acid-tongued columnist, the Guardians Marina Hyde dropped a wonderful line the other day, and while she was referring hopeless and hapless British conservatives, it is so apt for our Queensland goofarium in George Street, The Pie will borrow it the Palaszczuk Government is like a gif of someone lighting their own fart and then being consumed by the fireball. Jackie Treacherous Trad has the box of matches, and our premier is the one whos been chugging down the vindaloo and frothy XXXX, or should that be Adani Ale. Adding to the fireball was Queensland Resources Investment Commissioner Caoilin Chestnutt, who became a roasting chestnut when she described the Black Throated Finch controversy as an absolute mess which would delay any subsequent approval of the Carmichael mine by between six months to two years. That was a bit rich of her, considering she was talking in New Delhi, in a country which knows a fair bit about messes in politics and social ethics. But those critical of what they see as a cynical and dishonest delay are particularly incensed that arch-Greenie Associate Professor Brendan Wintle has been driving the review they see that as akin to having, say, Clive Palmer being out in charge of an inquiry whether chocolate doughnuts should be outlawed. But Bentleys on to the nutty professors game, who seems to have taken a page out of the hunting with hawks manual.

Still Searching For Icebergs

The mans sensitivity and sense of timing (not to mention decency) was on full display at the Casino ballroom a few nights ago, when Clive Palmer hosted a lavish dinner promoting his unicorn plan to build a replica of Titanic. This affair had a feel of as Rome burns, being staged just as the devastating extent of the flood disaster was becoming fully apparent. Clive seems fatally attracted to things that have been destroyed by natural disasters dinosaurs, the Titantic, but the cynical Yabulu disaster was all his own doing but his only nod on the night towards the immense local disaster was a pledge of $100,000 to help fund any class action against insurers that may emerge from a flood inquiry. Very handsome of the man willing to splurge $500million on a wild whim. But the bombast didnt finish on the night. A day or two later, Palmer called for the TCC to be put into administration and the mayor sacked, because of her handling of the flood disaster. While that scenario has been put in this blog and elsewhere as a question to be answered, it hasnt been asserted as a fact, until Clive came along. The response was predictable, but what was interesting was that although a subsequent headline said Mayor Hill Rejects Palmers Claim, the funny thing is she didnt. In fact, as far as The Pie has heard, she hasnt said tickety boo about his attack, and about claims from others that shes going to have to carry the can on this one. Instead, all of sudden, the mayor went all media shy and we got this

Now, all that be as it may, the thing that caught the beady eye were the words a council spokesman. That phrase has been as rare as rocking horse shit ever since former editor Mick Carroll ten years ago ruled that all such spokespeople needed to supply a name and position, no anonymity. (Dolan Hayes went thermonuclear over that one, but he lost anyway.)

So now it seems the council, via a faceless, nameless spokesman (they probably rolled out the rapidly expanding Tony Bligh of the Legal Dept) as an organisation is pre-judging any official findings about what role the mayor played in the deliberate flooding of hundreds of Townsville ratepayers homes. Something to be learned there, Jenna Cairney .. as Mick Carroll said all those years ago, if there is no name and position to go with statements, whats to stop people thinking the paper just made it up. And that is far more relevant now than when Mick was in charge. It Looks Like Its A Whole New And Overdue Ball Game For Townsville A trusted correspondent on this blog we know as Memory Man has offered many intelligent insights here. During the week, he sent in this story from the Guardian

and attached these comments. This stuff is actually serious, and requires very careful consideration. Simplistic fluff from the likes of Col Dwyer about the poor old North not getting its fair share doesnt address the underlying drivers of risk / mitigation that frame the market for regional insurance. I know talking to colleagues in the global insurance market that cutting out a middle man or two would reduce premiums by about 10% straight away. This means going directly to the underwriters. Only a local authority-backed insurance operation can do this. The Gold Coast City Council did this some years ago. The flip side is also risk mitigation. In part this means making sure the right things are built in the right places. This is easier said than done, because the right things is a function of a minimal specification, which in turn is driven by a given assessment of risk and impact magnitude. Now, the rule has been to build to a 1-in-100 year event impact. This isnt as silly as it sounds. Folk whove derided it as a meaningless measure because such levels have occurred more than once in the past 100 years miss the point of of probability. The reason why the measure is relevant is that it also goes to balancing out the costs of building the right thing versus the probable costs of loss (or replacement). Over-engineering is costly to build, and in many cases also unnecessary. Societies accept that there are some things that can be built to a lesser standard, and other things need to be built to a higher standard. Thats what the public debate should be focused on. Critical infrastructure should be built to a higher standard; things that are more easily replaced can be built to a lower standard. Additionally, everyone needs to recognise that the probability of severe events occurring is increasing (as well as the severity of events themselves). So, what would be described presently as a 1-in-100 may be better understood as a 1-in-75, for sake of argument. It also means that so-called 1-in-500 events may have a greater probability of occurring in the future than was the case in the past. So a revision of probability estimates to say, 1-in-400, may be necessary. Bottom line though is that all asset owners need to take proactive decisions to ensure their assets are built to such as level as warranted by the owners own assessment of the trade-off between cost to build today versus value of loss + cost to replace. Where there is a social cost, this externality needs to be added to the equation. The lesson is severe weather is more likely but this shouldnt be a reason to stop things being developed. It simply means being clearer about the right things being built in the right places, with trade-off risks being clear to those concerned especially when it involves public implications. A well debated argument, and The Magpie believes that new infrastructure rules about flood plain developments require urgent review. Chronic Cronyism: It Really Has Got To Stop The massive upheaval at executive level in the council has given us a glimpse of the outrageously blatant jobs for the boys and girls culture that the likes of Mooney (himself a beneficiary of the rort) and the mayor make little effort to hide nowadays. A very good case in point is this woman

Shayne Sutton, who is also the wife of Stephen The Screaming Midget Beckett, the lately punted Mayoral shouter at staff and ratepayers. It is not surprising that the council became stacked with imported Labor odd jobbers with questionable qualifications once Mayor Jenny Hills poisonous report commissioned from the Nous group in Melbourne was adopted by council, but Ms Sutton has added a new dimension in the grandest let them eat cake style. The Labor old mates club could not be shielded from view when Mrs Beckett arrived in town, following hubby north after the Qld Labor Party decided because of his bad manners, bad temper and bad judgements were not appreciated in the corridors of central power in Brisbane. Shayne Sutton has been a Brisbane City Councillors for 14 years when they upped sticks for Townsville. But she hadnt been here five minutes it seemed when she landed a plum $44k p.a spot on Tony Mooneys Townsville Hospital Board this has been reported here more than once. Seems mr Mooney just couldnt find any involved local suitable to his requirements. But what The Pie has just been made aware of is as well as handling that onerous hospital task (less than 6 meetings a year), Ms Sutton was a few weeks later tapped on the shoulder by Mayor Mullet for a newly created, totally bullshit position as wait for it the Executive Director of the North Queensland Regional Organisations of Councils (NQROC). The what, you cry? Well, this

Gosh, that must take a bit of doing, you wonder. Sure does, as the job description attests. The executive Director draws on her deep knowledge of the region, its history and its priorities and Provides strategic advocacy and engagement advice to five North Queensland Mayors and CEOs Facilitates regional collaboration between key internal and external stakeholders to progress agreedstrategic priorities for North Queensland Media management Organisational governance and financial reporting This is a made-up position that in fact didnt exist before, and at a guess since the kings of featherbedding the LGAQ are involved probably commanded a salary of around $70-80K. Gee, well, you say, shed have her hands as well as her purse full maybe, but not so much that didnt apply for a job the board of TAFE as well. Dont known how that went, and maybe well never know the full extent of Ms Suttons contribution to a community in which she has lived for barely a year. But this murky NQROC position seems to have been suddenly de-created as far as one can penetrate the layers of obscurity around these goings on, so perhaps she is on her way. Madam, you are a massive leech and our already benighted community can hardly mourn it if you pass on from our midst to infest some other poor bastards treasury. Making The Best Use Of Your Townsville Bulletin This latest in the series of cringe-worthy self-promotions caught The Magpie eye on Friday.

And good on you Freda, you really do look a very sprightly lady. May The Pie add his hearty congratulations on a milestone hell probably not even get within cooee of. And reading your story, mdear, the old bird now perhaps knows the secret of your wonderful longevity you gave a hint when you said your daily dose of news from the Bulletin was what set me up for a good day. Its part of ones everyday routine and I just cant get on without it. Its the first thing I need in the morning. Indeed, Freda. As it does for so many others, probably works better than prunes and porridge at a guess, youd be getting on by page 3 most days. Guess She Finally Came Out Of The Closet Seems the layout blokes at the Scottish Herald had a wee dram too many when they put this page together but then again, it may just have been the world renowned Scottish sense of humour. Eh, Jenna?

New Aussie Tennis Rankings .. Just released

And The Week In Trumpistan

It has come to our attention that too many of you are paying attention. The New Yorker

.. Back again next week, Allah willing, but have your say 24/7 on blog comments, plenty of frisky opinion out there along with information you wont get anywhere else (that is, until the Astonisher trolls have read the blog Mt Isa railway crisis two weeks after the Nest, anyone?) Hope you enjoy what you read here, and any support for the Magpies Nest will be greatly appreciated, the how to donate button is below. http://www.townsvillemagpie.com.au/its-a-bugger-but-maybe-a-blessing-too-do-we-need-to-clean-up-more-than-the-mud-and-mould/

[fapangel]

Thoughts on Antifa?

Antifa is just thetip of the iceberg.

I first got thisquestion in my inbox shortly after the first Antifa riot on the nightof Milo Yiannopoulos’s Berkeley speech, but I’ve been sitting on it for two reasons:one, to take time to formalize my thoughts better, and two, to avoida “rush to judgement.” You see, it’s not Antifa specifically wemust worry about, but rather how the left wing itself reacts to them.

In my multipleresponsesto my Friendly Local Antifa, I’ve been very clear that just becauseextremists exist (andthey will always exist -)doesn’t mean that they speak or act for any larger group. To claimthey do is a classic fascist tactic,as evidenced by Hitler’s exploitation of the Reichstagfire as a casus bellito round up his Communist political opponents. Lettingviolent radicals act without serious efforts to stymie or punishthem, or even praising and normalizing their motivations while weaklyimpugning their behavior, is also aclassic authoritarian tactic, something the left wing is quick tonote in the context of the Ku Klux Klan, but never apply to the likesof the Earth Liberation Front. That’s why I mention “IllinoisNazis” so much - the mere existence of some goose-steppingretards doesn’t even establish them as a threat in and of themselves,much less a movement with actual national political power.

Thisapplies to “Antifa” because what they really areis pro-Communist radicals.It’scurious that reporting on Antifa never, ever seems to mention it,even though tenseconds on Google turns up some damningimages pretty fast. These people have neverbeenshy about being Communist radicals, or advertising it to the world.Considered in a vacuum, then, they’re just Illinois Commies brawlingwith Illinois Nazis. As the Beatlesreminded us, just because they carry picturesof Chairman Mao doesn’t mean they’re gonna makeit with anyone, anyhow. SoI waited, and watched, to see if the larger wave of hysteria,obstructionism and outright violence would abate naturally as peoplewound down from the heightened passions of the election.

Theyhaven’t. On the 15thof April (two days ago,) yet another wave of mass protests werestaged across the country, with the theme being “Trump shouldrelease his tax returns.” The closest one to me was only twelvemiles distant, in Ann Arbor, MI. Home of the University of Michigan,the city’s small, wealthy, ultra-left and nestled in the middle of aconservative, rural area - and the protest’s highlight speakers(including a few Senators) delivered their speeches on theUniversity’s quad. (Thisis the exact kind of campus speaking event that Antifa used violenceand thuggery to silence at Berkeley when the speaker wasconservative.)Obama-appointed government officials have openly defied the lawfulorders of the sitting President, and been openly and loudly laudedfor it by the left wing. Members of our intelligence agencies havecommitted actual,unambiguous treason by leaking classified intelligence to acorporate media that writes every article with malice aforethought ina concerted and untiring effort to undermine the legitimacy of theoffice of the President of the United States. The left has proudlybragged of the multiplemunicipal governments - you know, cities - swearing to defyFederal law and law enforcement authorities, and some have evencalled for left-wing enclave California to secedefrom the Union. Theyhave scrambled to erect every possible barrier to the President’scabinet nominations, damn the consequences to effective governance,and the unfolding intelligence scandal is revealing how the power ofsecretive agencies was abused by Obama’s administration to undermineand slander his incoming successor. And of course, there’s thethuggery and violence on the street, waged by the likes of Antifa.

Theseare the tangible consequences ofthe left wing’s constant calls for “resistance” to the President- these are notjust words, but a national policy that’s been put into action. Thisisn’t justcute pins to show off to your lit club buddies how “woke” you are- it’s widespread, tangible popular support for the politicians,bureaucrats and businessmen working towards their ends. And thoughthey might call that end “resistance,” theyreally meanrevolution.

DanielGreenfield of Frontpage Magazine wrote a beautifullysuccinct summary that you should absolutelyread in full, but his mostcrucial paragraphs were these:

“There is no form of legal authority that the left acceptsas a permanent institution. It only utilizes forms of authorityselectively when it controls them. But when government officialsrefuse the orders of the duly elected government because theirallegiance is to an ideology whose agenda is in conflict with thePresident and Congress, that’s not activism, protest, politics orcivil disobedience; it’s treason.

After losing Congress, the left consolidated its authority inthe White House. After losing the White House, the left shifted itscenter of authority to Federal judges and unelected governmentofficials. Each defeat led the radicalized Democrats to relocate frommore democratic to less democratic institutions.

This isn’t just hypocrisy. That’s a common political sin.Hypocrites maneuver within the system. The left has no allegianceto the system. It accepts no laws other than those dictated by itsideology.

Democrats have become radicalized by the left. This doesn’tjust mean that they pursue all sorts of bad policies. It means thattheir first and foremost allegiance is to an ideology, not theConstitution, not our country or our system of government. All ofthose are only to be used as vehicles for their ideology.

That’s why compromise has become impossible.”

The ideological divide in the left wingis nothing new - it started in earnest in 1969, when thesocialist-communist bloc of the party first gained real tractionversus the “classic” New Deal progressive Democrats. The rift hasgrown steadily since then, culminating in the last election, when theNew Deal Democrats, the blue-collar union voters flipped the “bluewall” of the Rust Belt red for the first time since Reagan. Thedifference now is that the socialist-communist based branch ofthe party now control it, definitively. Their ideology andvalues are completely alien to the founding principles of America,the principles for which its laws were built to enshrine, nurture,and protect. This is why political compromise has grown more and moredifficult in America - the common ground between parties simplydoesn’t exist, and even if it did, socialist-communistideology has never been based on the concept of compromise orreconciliation.

Communist ideology is based onrevolution - in fact it’s a cornerstoneof the ideology. Revolution, by definition, is a complete andutter rejection of the legitimacy of the existing structure ofsociety. The left wing reveals their disdain for our society ineverything they say and do - their perennial crusade against everyaspect of capitalism, (“Big Whatever,” “Occupy Wall-Street,”)their endless trust in the sanctity and flawlessness of publicinstitutions versus “greedy” private enterprise and, above all,their unceasing devotion to righting the myriad “crimes” of“social injustice.” Hell, with “social injustice” it’s rightthere in the name. They reject, on every possible level, the mostbasic building blocks of Western society in general.

The true significance of Antifa is thewidespread popular support their thuggery has received from the leftwing - it indicates the final abandonment of any pretense todemocracy or fair dealing on their part. This is precisely why theirlanguage has taken on the tones of revolution and war as of late,dividing the populace into “us” versus “Nazis.” In oursecular society, Nazis are tantamount to demons; inhuman, beneathconsideration save through a rifle scope. The label’s a simple andeffective way to dehumanize people, and that’s the first step in theconditioning required to kill.

It’s already accelerating. After theBerkeley police made a point of confiscating weapons - and anythingusable as a weapon - from anyone converging on the park ahead of thelatest scuffle in Berkeley, Antifa took to reddit to argue foroutright arming themselves withfirearms. (Note how California’s ban on open carry, implementedby DemocraticGov. Jerry Brown in 2011 suddenly becomes Reagan’s fault.) Andother outlets are calling for leftists todegrade or destroy any government apparatus they do not control.

We have been down this roadbefore, more than once - the spate of anarchistbombings back in 1919, the radical left terrorist bombings by theWeathermanUnderground, and many others. But even at the height of anti-waractivism in the late 60s and early 70s, things were never thisbad. Much of it owes to new media - it’s atrophied theonce-ironfast stranglehold the corporate media had on politicaldiscourse in this nation, which has pushed the left wing to resort tomore brutish tactics to silence their opposition - doxxing, threats,intimidation and, of course, “de-platforming.” New media has alsoallowed the classic “grassroots” organizational tactics pioneeredby Chicago machine politics to go large-scale (moveon.org et al.) Theolder people, the wiser people, the experienced and the jaded - I’vetalked to them all, and they all agree that it has never been thisbad. The battle lines have been clearly drawn and the battles arebeing waged openly, vigorously and without apology.

Not every Democrat or liberal isa leftist - far, far from it, in fact. But I fear that the Democraticparty is far too gone for the sane people to reassert controlover it. As Greenfield points out, the left has retreated to“cultural urban and suburban enclaves where it has centralizedtremendous amounts of power while disregarding the interests andvalues of most of the country. If it considers them at all, it isconvinced that they will shortly disappear to be replaced bycompliant immigrants and college indoctrinated leftists who will forma permanent demographic majority for its agenda. But it couldn’twait that long because it is animated by the conviction thatenforcing its ideas is urgent and inevitable. And so it turned whathad been a hidden transition into an open break.” Thesepeople, long assured of their intrinsic superiority, are nowconfident in their eventual supremacy - and thus they are contestingthe legitimacy of the President of the United States, and indeed ourentire government, directly. We have been down this path before, too- it led to the Civil War.

That phrase - civil war- is the second reason I letthis post percolate for so long. I’m naturally antithetical tohysterical “sky is falling” arguments, as they’re invariably fullof shit and trying to sway people with fear and emotion, the facts beutterly damned. The current spate of gay,lesbian and transgender people buying guns for self-defenseagainst the imaginary hordes of Right-Wing Gestapo comes as nosurprise, because I’ve watched Conservatives panic-buying AR-15safter every shooting on the evening news for eight goddamn years. Andfor eight years I called them hooting morons becauseObama’s desire to “gitall yer gunz” far, far outstrippedhis ability to do so,legally and politically. Political vigilance against gun control isalways needed, yes, but people rushing to the stores and stockpiling(then-scarce) ammo in their basement were expecting a ban tomorrow,despite over a decade ofDemocrats losing ground on the national gun control debate, to saynothing of the Supreme Court rulings upholding - and incorporating -an individual right to keep and bear arms. Andthe ones I scorned and mocked the most were the ones insisting theymight need to use theirnew rifles in the not-so-distant future; that social unrest and evenviolence was just around the corner. I held these people to be theright-wing incarnation of the hysterical left-wing ninnies I soloathed and spared not my scorn, because being on myside of the fence didn’t make them any less an idiot.

Theday after the Berkeley riot, I decided it was about time I got off myass and purchased an AR-15.

For the first time in my life, Iam truly afraid for my country - and for my friends, my family, andmyself.