#and on the other because i cant be forced to apply for jobs that dont exist and the market isnt exactly thirsting for jeweler apprentices

[ganja-hq]

The problem is the only three career paths I can imagine myself taking are silversmithing, taking care of elderly cats or singing in a hotel lounge

[cupoftaae]

Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ fondness (chapter 16)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 5-6k

warnings- swearing, mentions of miscarriage, tae is sad sad, kaito is back, drinking, um i think thats all? lmk if not!

a/n- Lovies!! hi i hope ur all doing good. Im trying to write a lot more because i literally just quit my current job (they treated me like shit) after 2 months. Im applying to so many places rn but in the meantime im having fun giving my tumblr a little luv <3 also apologies for any mispellings, I had read over my previous chapters and cringed at some of the words I spelled wrong. I have been learning english for years now but apparently its still not to a 100, oh well! Anyways, please enjoy! -Nini <3

"I had my suspicions"

You blushed, eyes down on your water bottle as you sat in your childhood bed again, your mother sat comfortable at the end of it as you both talked.

You arrived back home around 2am yesterday, and to say that you already felt a little better was an understatement.

"you did?" you mumbled as your mother nodded, smiling.

"when you came to visit a while ago, I saw a lot of touchiness" she giggled "but I minded my business"

"ah this is embarrassing" your hands flew to cover your face, now knowing your own mother knew about your relationship before you could say anything.

"no, I dont think so" she hummed, looking at the carpet. "I just know when a boy is in love, i remember your father-"

you inhaled sharply at her words, biting your lip and looking away.

"-...he would always look at me like I was the center of the universe"

You stayed quite for a moment before speaking up softly, "what happened?"

She smiled sadly, "he chose a different life, and I resented him for so long, but I accept it for what it was, and now that I have..I feel like im free to live again. And thats what you need to do, accept it, accept whats happened." she whispered, calming voice infiltrating the bedroom at such a late hour of the night.

Your eyes met hers, a glimmer of love was bright enough to see through her dark brown orbs. You nodded as she began to speak again,

"Taehyung and you.....I always knew it would happen" she giggled, "I remember once you guys hit middle school, and the moment I caught you sneaking into my closet for makeup before he came over to play video games-"

"oh god, stop" you blush, shaking your head

"it was cute even if you wouldnt admit it" your mother waved her arm at you.

You hummed, crossing your arms over your chest as you got lost in thought.

"so, how is he taking everything?"

"taehyung?"

she nods, eyes burning a laser into yours.

"well...i dont know" your answer was honest as she sat up.

"what do you mean?"

You sighed once more before speaking, "he and I kinda argued before I left paris...im an asshole mom" you offered a sad laugh, looking down. "im an asshole...because, I got mad at him for trying to help"

She tilted her head, listening, "Im sure he just wanted to be there for you, he was hurting as much as you"

"i know, and thats the thing mama...but I just needed to be alone and away....and he got mad when I expressed it...its not like we are married" you roll your eyes

she giggles, "I understand my dove, but listen" she grabbed your hands, "things like this happen all the time, we cant run away from our loved ones when life gets bad. What happened between you both was terrible, and im so sorry sweetheart" she whispered, your own eyes getting a bit misty, "but running back home isnt gonna do anything"

You nodded before smiling, "I came here because its comforting, you're comforting.....now you're scolding me?" your voice had humor.

She laughed, "you are a 23 year old woman, I cant control your actions, like whether you stayed with Taehyung or came back to me, however I can tell you my opinion, and if your decision was right or wrong, not trying to guilt you, just being a mom"

You nod slowly, fidgeting with the heating pad sitting on your stomach to help ease the lasting cramps that only served as a painful reminder.

"you make your own choices hun, but...let me ask you this, do you love him?" she whispered

Your eyes shot up at her, your heart singing with sadness yet love.

"....yeah.." you whispered so quietly it was barley heard. "yeah I do" you couldnt help but begin to cry as she wrapped you into her arms.

A mothers loving embrace.

It could heal all, and this is exactly why you came back.

"You find comfort here, but as you get older, you need to find comfort in new things." your mother began, " life is scary, but its all about changing. Without change, life would be rather boring, huh?" her hands ran up and down your back as your face rested on her shoulder. "Taehyung has been here forever, youve grown together, but these new feelings? they offer new experiences,...amazing ones too. Im sure he loves you just as much, thats why he let you go..." she whispered, "but my dear, you have to fight through the darkness to find the prize, to find why you had the connection at all"

You were full on Niagara falls into your mothers sweater. Her words provided insight, but as well as pain. You shouldnt have left him behind, it was wrong, and you hoped he understood.

you realized that you were your fathers daughter, and not just in DNA. Your first instinct was to run away from your loved ones, run away from family when they would give you everything.

You were becoming your father.

And you hated how much you still loved that man even if he left you. and you hate that you take after him in such painful ways.

But most of all...you hate how you didn't even see it happening.

"shh" your mother cooed, holding you as she rocked back and forth slowly. "my child, life will settle, but you need to find your way, and if thats with him, you need to tell him"

"i know" you whispered, wiping your eyes as you clutched the tiny bear you packed.

The bear.

Fuck, you wish you didnt bring it in your suitecase.

It was the teddy bear taehyung bought the day after finding out you were pregnant, The perfectly placed initial on the middle that always made you remember he thought of you as a Kim, as well, even if you werent married.

It was a reminder he wanted you in any way he could grasp you.

As a girlfriend, a mother to his child, eventually a wife, but always....always his best friend in life.

Your mother looked down at the bear, smiling. "y/n..."

"hm?" you mumbled, leaning back as she put your hair behind your ears.

"im so sorry this happened to you" her voice was quiet again, "you would have been a beautiful mother....and if you decide to have kids in the future, thats exactly what youll be"

You nod sadly, "thank you...."

It was quiet for a moment before she spoke up again, "when I was in my twenties, your father and I decided to try and have another child..we saw how you clung to your pre-school friends and called them your sisters" she chuckled "so we thought maybe another baby would be good. Well- I got pregnant right before your 4th birthday" her voice choked softly as you watched, this being news to you.

"unfortunately I, too, had lost it" she teared up explaining the situation. "it was one of the most painful things I ever went through....but looking back at it" she smiled at you gently, rubbing your back, "im so greatful"

"grateful?" you whispered, in shock

"I had you, my little best friend whos always stuck by me even in the worse situations...you never had to fight for my attention, we were always together"

You wiped her tears as you smiled sadly, agreeing.

"and you have always been more than enough." she mumbled, "so my love, I guess the lesson here is...that once you learn to accept it and know the situation for what it is.....you'll heal"

You hugged her tightly as her words struck your chest with a great force.

She was right, whether you liked her advice or not, shes been through exactly what you have, and if she can make it out and be such a wise, resilient woman today, than you can too.

But you'll be damned if its in the steps of your father.

Later after she went to bed, you were left alone, the covers up to your neck as the tv played some old school tv show that only got airtime in the late hours of the night.

You found your hand resting on top of your stomach as you laid calmly. You had to acknowledge it to get past it. "im not pregnant anymore..." you whispered, feeling an overwhelming sadness fulfill you. Your eyes drew down to your hand as you rubbed your stomach, feeling a bit stupid at what you were doing.

taking a few deep breathes, you opened your eyes and looked up at the ceiling, "its okay to be sad....its okay to cry" you remind yourself aloud, voice quiet and shaky, "but I can heal....its not my fault" you nod, tears falling for the millionth time within the past few days.

You were exhausted, mentally and physically, but after tonight you feel like perhaps you made a breakthrough, you were proud of yourself even if it was just a baby step.

You turned over in bed to look at your phone, the time was 3:55 am, yikes.

You barley had time to register it before the lock screen caught your attention, now all you could think about is how Taehyung was feeling.

-

"why are you already back?"

"dude just give me my fish and dog so I can go" Taehyung mumbled, standing at the front of his friend Jin's apartment.

He laughed and turned away for a moment before returning with Hae swimming around in his tiny tank, the packet of food wedged underneath jins chin. "here"

Taehyung took the bowl and the food, nodding "thanks..."

"mhm" he smiled, "so wheres Y/N? The last thing you posted was a photo of her standing on the edge of some fountain, did you push her into it?" he snorted, trying to be light hearted with his friend.

"no shes just, busy I guess" he shrugged, trying to leave quickly, "wheres yeontan?"

Jin looked behind him and picked up the small dog, putting the leash on him securely before handing it to taehyung, who took it with his free hand.

"thanks for not killing my pets and taking care of them, even if it was probably Stephanie who did everything" taehyung referred to Jin's wife, who stood behind him with a wide grin of acknowledgment. "i'll see ya" he nodded before turning down the hall to leave, Yeontan leading the way on his leash.

Taehyung walked on the sidewalk, his feet finding the familiar path to his own apartment.

He left Paris a day and half after you did, only communicating with you through occasional texts that left much to the imagination when it came to how you were doing.

He unlocked the door and walked in, wincing at how messy you two left it before leaving. His hands gently put Hae down on the kitchen counter as he began to pick laundry up, tossing them into a ball and making a mental note to do a washing load this weekend.

Tae checked his phone for any sign of you, frowning when he was met with 0 notifications.

Would it be wrong to call you? he didnt know anymore, things felt awkward...you left with no closure or definitive answer on what was okay or what crossed the boundaries.

It definitely felt uneasy being alone in the apartment, he missed your loud laughing, and the good food you always made for him.

He even missed when you would force him to watch shitty reality shows with you because it meant he got to cuddle with you on the couch for a few hours.

The rumbling sound of his stomach knocked him out of his head as he turned to the kitchen. There wasnt much, other than a few now rotten bananas sitting on the counter.

His hand gripped the fridge handle as his eyes were met with an ultrasound photo hung up by a hello kitty magnet, it felt like salt was poured into his wound...his hand slid off the handle. he wasnt hungry anymore.

Beside the photo was doctors reports hung up for upcoming appointments and reminders.

This upcoming weekend was supposed to be the gender reveal. Deep down Taehyung didnt care if it was a boy or girl, but not that he'd be having neither, it felt more upsetting.

It was a reminder of something that he might never get to experience with you.

He found his way to the kitchen counter, sitting in the quiet room as yeontans tiny pitter-patter paws echoed through the apartment wood flooring.

Taehyungs eyes were drawn to hae, the tiny yellow fish swimming around in his spongebob tank, a toy pineapple placed perfectly in the center for him. For some reason he teared up.

suddenly he felt the urge to hear from you, but he felt selfish for doing so. You should be the one to reach out, right?

He didnt know anymore.

"oh hae....I miss mama" he sighed, leaning down to rest his head in his crossed arms over the table.

-

"are you gonna just sit in bed?" your mothers voice echoed into your room, the lights were off and the curtains were closed as two large blankets covered your body....it was noon.

"I'll get out soon"

She shook her head, leaning against the door frame "Hun, I need to go shopping, I need to know you are up and alive before I leave you here alone"

Reluctantly you sat up, wiping your sleepy eyes as nostalgia from high school mornings hit you.

"there she is!" your mom cheered, directing her cat to follow over to you as she turned to leave.

You smiled at it as you stretch, "hi baby" your voice cooed before turning over and unhooking your phone from the charger

2 notifications

"oh" you mumbled, quickly unlocking it and going to your texts. You wish it was Taehyung, unfortunately it wasnt...

Kaito: hey, I know this is sort of inappropriate to text you like this, I get it, but I cannot stop thinking about you. I cant stop thinking about the baby. Can we please talk about maybe getting a paternity test?

you frowned, petting the cat as she climbed into your lap

kaito: and I know btw that you dont want me to be the father figure, which is fine. Ive taken time to understand that...however i need to know if its mine, I cant live without knowing y/n. please call or text.

Oh thats just great, another person you had to break the news to.

Your mother came back down the hall, knocking on the door frame "so are you coming or not? im leaving" she smiled

"I'll stay here, thanks though mama, hows your back?"

She waved her hand in dismissal "oh im fine honey, I got my brace"

You smiled sympathetically as she turned to leave, knowing she was probably lying about the pain.

Shes always been stubborn, thats where you get it from.

After getting cleaned up a bit, you made your way outside to sit on the front deck, propping your phone up as you sit in the rocking chair. Were you really about to facetime Kaito?

....guess so...

After a few rings, you began to feel the tightness in your chest...the anticipation...the nervousness...

"hello?" his voice echoed through your ears, for some odd reason you felt like crying already.

"hey....are you at work?"

"on break" he smiled softly, eyes looking into yours through the phone screen. It felt odd to sit here on call with him, you havent done it since you both had been dating.

"so..."

He sat down, propping the phone up against a wall as he watched you, making it clear he was ready to talk. "listen, please understand this isnt me trying to make my way back into your life"

You nod, picking at the skin around your fingernails.

"I just want to know if its mine is all, I mean, I figured theres a chance it is, no? so this is warranted right? i dont want to seem pushy...."

You sigh, looking at him, "um, well I called you because I wanted to discuss everything"

"what do you mean?" his head tilted softly

"kaito, I uh, I lost the baby" you said aloud, nodding as you did so. In some way, the words left your mouth a lot easier than just a few days prior.

You were knee-deep in the healing process

"oh." was all he responded, his face appearing confused and unsure, "you lost the...baby?"

"miscarriage" you add, "it happened a few days ago, I never had the chance to tell whether it was yours or taehyungs"

He frowned, "y/n, im sorry"

"dont apologize its fine, im fine"

"god...."he ran his hands over his face, obviously deeply upset by the news.

"its okay" you assured again as he watched you for a moment,

"do you think it was mine? genuinely?" he whispered

You shrugged, eyes dragging away from the screen to look at the cars driving past the house "I dont know"

You did, you were 90% sure it was taehyungs, this was decided last night as you carefully calculated the dates between periods, and the breakup vs when you and taehyung got together.

If it was kaitos, that would have meant you were close to being 5-6 months pregnant, and at the time of the miscarriage, you were about 3-4.

regardless, it was still upsetting, and in hindsight, it didnt matter anymore especially when you had to sit and break everything down to your ex.

He sighed again, "how are you managing?" he whispered

"im good, im at my moms house right now"

"wheres taehyung?"

you scoffed slightly, even after telling him the situation he only cared about you and taehyung. "Kaito I called to inform you about the baby and the baby alone, we dont need to discuss my personal life, you dont get to know information that no longer involves you"

He sat watching you for a moment before nodding "okay....sorry?"

"thank you for being understanding during this, and all I ask is that you continue to be respectful to not only me, but taehyung"

He rolled his eyes slightly "okay"

"okay" you repeated, sitting near the phone, "well...thats all I suppose, text me if you have more to discuss on the topic, have a good shift"

with that, you hung up and couldnt help the slight smile that popped up on your face, you finally stuck up for yourself, and taehyung

It felt good.

so good that you almost called taehyung out of instinct.

would he be okay with that?

you decided against it, putting your phone away as you sat back and swayed in the rocking chair.

-

Taehyung gently creaked open the door of what used to be his bedroom, but was now reserved in the space of a future nursery.

He hadnt been in here in a while, and now as he sets his eyes on it all, he wishes he didnt walk in.

There were boxes of items you ordered online piled up in the corner, he smiled sadly and looked through them.

The crib you bought, he promised he would put it together for you, you were never good at building things, instructions or not.

The thought made him giggle softly as he looked at the other things, the vanity and picture frames. The familiar grief found its way into his chest as he went over and laid on the rug in the center of the room.

It was a lilac purple rug, you picked it out and decided the nursery will be just that color scheme, regardless if it was a girl or not. His fingers weaved through it as he began to cry, eyes scanning over the room that will forever be empty, items put to waste. The small bundle of baby toys that never get to be played with.

He never realized just how much he was hurting, but he had to say not having you at his side made it sting even more.

Yeontan nudged his way into the room and grabbed one of the stuffies, making his skilled exit quickly as taehyung got up

"hey! thats not yours!" he frowned and chased out of the room after the small dog, following him around the living room before running into your room. He gave up and dropped the giraffe by your desk, his tiny legs leading him away to hide.

Taehyung kneeled to pick it up, unable to help the way his eyes scanned over the items on top of your desk.

Unorganized homework for school, binders left open and messy, he smiled a bit at it as he walked over, his arm accidentally pushing some of the books off the side.

"shit" he sighed, leaning down to pick them up.

There was a smaller brown notebook that caught his attention, he didnt want to snoop around your things, but when the front of it says "to my love", its pretty hard to ignore.

He carefully sat on the ground and opened it, feeling wrong for doing so but unable to stop.

The first page was full of your handwriting.

May 11th

so...today I just found out the biggest news of my life. im pregnant, its weird to even write. I just bought this notebook at the flea market because I need to tell someone. Im really scared, and im unsure of what you will think of me. I love you a lot, and I hope I get the chance to gift this to you after all is said and done

suddenly he felt like he was doing something wrong, reading something forbidden.

He scanned over the next page quickly, seeing how you spoke about dedicating this as a future love note for him, a chance to let him see inside your mind.

He tossed it back on top of your desk and sighed softly, he missed you so much and it seems like every second only let that feeling grow.

He wasnt sure what position you two were in, but he loved you dearly, probably a lot more than a person should love another human being.

He hoped you felt the same deep and burning desire.

Thoughts passed into his brain, he realized he was grateful you went through the crazy process of the past few years, in which referred to the friends with benefits situation.

If it never happened, you would have never been this close now.

Little does he know, that miles away from Busan, you laid on the floor of your room too, looking over older texts between the two of you and giggling

even if it was about groceries, or a small message asking him to pick you up from class, it made you smile.

Taehyung and your mom have been the only ones that you can say have never left you, the only ones who are there when you need them.

were you going to let him go over something that can be talked over and fixed?

you looked out the window and silently spoke,

"i'll see you soon”

-

Going back to your old doctor in Gwangju was an odd experience, you had too have been no older than 18 the last time you visited her.

“It seems that everything is going smoothly, and you said you’ve stopped bleeding?”

You nod, fidgeting with the gown you put on as the doctor wrote down everything.

“Your tests seem good, i would say you are coming along healthily after this, which is a good thing, right?” She smiles cheerfully, “do you have any questions for me?”

You shrug, looking up at her “I don’t really know”

She sighed and sat down “y/n, what you went through would be hard on anyone. You are so young and you already are stressed with work and college, and this being thrown on top had to have been difficult right?”

You nod, resting your head in your palm.

“Do you think seeing a therapist would be helpful to you?” She asked sweetly

You quickly sat up “well…im going back to Busan eventually and-”

“I can contact your doctor in Busan and have them find you a therapist”

You sighed deeply, therapy was something you never really considered. Would it help? Maybe. But bottom line was that you never liked discussing your problems, you have always been closed off and the thought of being vulnerable with some stranger is terrifying.

“Look y/n, I’ll send your doctor a note and you can discuss it with her once you go back, how about that?”

You nod reluctantly “okay….”

-

Once you arrived back with your mother at the house, she began to cook something up for lunch as you laid on the couch, cuddling the cat.

She purred in your lap, making you smile.

"how was the appointment?" your mom spoke from the kitchen, peaking over to you as her hands chopped veggies up on a cutting board.

"well...It was fine I suppose"

"just fine?" she smiled, adjusting her glasses, "did she say anything bad?"

"no, no, nothing bad, but just...she wants me to do this therapy thing and I just-"

"oh that sounds like a good plan...I think therapy would be beneficial"

You sigh, looking down at the cat, "well I probably wont be doing it so..yeah"

She stopped cutting, looking over at you "and why is that?"

You simply shrug in reply

"you know theres nothing wrong in getting help...right?"

"yeah but im not sure im ready to go talk to someone yet"

She laughed softly, "thats when you should talk to someone, when you are unsure, get it out before its all locked up"

sitting up a bit, you look back at her, "I guess, I dont know, we will see...."

Your eyes returned back to the tv in front of you as your mother continued to create a meal for the two of you. As a mom, she felt defeated, she knew the other alternative here but knowing you, the reaction may be less than ideal.

The last thing she wants to do is interfere with your current situation, but hey.....

what is a mom if she isn't nosey?

taglist!-

@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee

[subconsciousmysteries]

many people who use typology have never engaged with reality and it shows. Let me go through the two main, sadly very common mentalities which expose you as a retard who doesn't understand the real world.

"you cant develop your blindspot." Whether you can or can't develop the ability to properly give a shit about your blindspot... life is going to force you to at least pretend you care about your blindspot and fake it til you make it. otherwise you literally die. People are forced by the world to either enact their blindspot to survive (causing dumb typologers to mistype ppl as their blindspot), or perish. This especially applies if your blindspot is soc or sp. sp-blinds have to pay the bills, clean their rooms and develop a stable routine that nurtures their bodies and souls, despite their apathy towards their financial status and their personal comforts. soc-blinds have to sell a social image of themselves to get a job and then further develop an image as someone reliable if they want to get better pay, despite their apathy towards their social status. there is something in all our lives which demands us to engage our blindspot and if we dont step up, we lose at life.

"Socs are nice and groupthinky and soc blinds are mean and edgy and individualistic" shows me you're sp-blind, probably a 4 and/or 5 fix obsessed with your wet dream of how much more individualistic than thou you are too. if you think soc-blind is about being mean, you don't understand the slightest thing about what an sp-haver and a soc-blind actually thinks. I question if anyone who thinks this way has ever actually tried to provide for themselves in the sp way. sp is about AVOIDING risks and staying stable. To hold down a job and be economically stable in the safest way possible -- what sp is about -- the method is to be to be fucking nice to people and keep your head down so that you aren't deemed Bad For Corporate Image and cut off from your stream of income. to maintain your sp comforts rather than deal with the DANGER (thing sp avoids) of them being threatened, you have to not piss people off. It baffles me that so called sp-havers don't know this and go around assuming that anyone who is kind and bearable must be some sort of soc. the concept of "being nice to avoid conflict and protect myself" is foreign to these so-called sp-havers, which reeks of sp-blindness. Sp-dom is always aware of threats to their sp needs and doesn't want to drag needless conflict into their lives that could risk their financial stability and comfy routines. Sp-doms are those people who fearfully and resentfully keep their social media image as plain and as milquetoast as possible, so that their corporate job doesn't fire them. Yes even sp/sx does this, tho we struggle to tame ourselves more than sp/so because of the explosiveness of sx... we still do it. I have kept my internet rage anonymous for years and am only just decompartmentalizing my life and developing the courage to be myself on the internet with my true face because I feared losing my job over it, for years. Sp is about this soulless pragmatism. It is aligned with type 6 (soc is aligned with type 3 and sx is aligned with type 9), so even if you're not a 6 or 6 fix, having sp will add 6-like traits to you. the wimpiness and cowardice of sp (gotta keep my head down so my employers keep paying me!) applies to ppl even if they are assertive types... The only conflict sp-doms will engage in is around their resources, and in modern society the best way to get resources is almost never conflict, it is through (unfortunately) keeping your head down and shutting up so that you are hireable. almost ALL sp-doms know this. so they train themselves to be nice, and will seldom be cunts. because it is most safe + profitable to be nice. it is low risk to be nice. so sp-doms like being nice. yes we will be grumpy and low energy if you fuck with our routines and other sp things. but we are fundamentally NOT edgy (at least compared to our sx and soc siblings of the same enneatype) because starting conflict is risky and thats the antithesis of sp. Soc is the instinct about status and showing off and shining your image to the world. Socs all have 3-like traits even if they don't have any 3 in their enneatype. they are the ones who enjoy engaging in social drama and being socially mean and petty, because this is an avenue to attain status and peacock your social role in the community and define who you are to others. This trait can be used for better or worse.

[sand-lily]

in order to get paid while i dont have a school they're making me do technically training in the support office (its basically watching YouTube videos on how the smart boards and tablets at schools work...busy work)

but it kinda seems like they dont LIKE ALTs that much in the support office

theyre trying to talk one lady into taking 2 weeks off because her asthma is bad and she keeps saying that shes fine because she CANT take 2weeks off because shes out of PTO and cant afford to miss half the paycheck period

they legally cant force her, but theyve been pestering the shit out of her for more than a week

that second training i did was apparently made last second for the one guy i was in training with (but a lot of the training stuff is partner work so they had me do it with him),, and the guy in charge of the trainings was like "what makes him so special that he got his own special training say instead of waiting for the next one in October?"

even though he was looking right at the guys profile and knew he literally already lived in walking distance to the school they needed an ALT for immediately AND he already had the proper visa so it MADE SENSE to start him immediately but the trainings are legally mandated by the school board, so it MADE SENSE to just give him his own training and then let me participate so i could get paid for SOMETHING while i dont have a school

and one guy was complaining to the lady in charge of apartments that his neighbors were cooking something or using cleaning supplies or something that kept setting off his allergies and he had to go to the hospital twice and shes like "idk what you want me to do about it, i cant stop your neighbors"

he asked to move to a different unit thats also the companies in the same building that's empty and she said no because they were MAYBE moving somebody in there NEXT MONTH??? like thatd be hard paperwork?? moving the new person into his unit and moving him to the empty one???

also i saw them grading somebodys demo video and the lady grading him said "how did he make it this far in the interview, he kinda sucks and we fail 90% of the people that apply anyways" and the guy next to her said "the person doing his interview has failed 82% of the 90% that fails so he needs to pass some to keep out of trouble, but YOU can fail him"

also also, they made this whole big stink about us always being in full business suits all the time, even when the principal and teachers arnt because we are not school employees, we are business employees and representing the company blah blah blah

but NO FUCKING BODY since ive been here has worn a suit once, like they arnt wearing jeans, but ive seen slacks and t shirts or dresses with fun patterns (the only patterns ALTs are allowed are pinstripes, checkers, and polkadots)

so fuckin ANNOYING

also?? this one i took personally cus it was about my friend,,, but the other day her company car died on her while she was driving (she sent me a pic, its a real clunker, full jalopy status, basically a lemon),, and today she called the English help hotline so they could help her translate with the mechanic,, and they put her on hold and were like

"isnt there a required Japanese test during interviews?? she cant do this much?? we need to make that test harder"

like???? we need to know how to say transmission in japanese to teach kindergartners the colors????????? thats why theres a fuckin HOTLINE, this is literally your JOB youre getting PAID for

maybe give her a functional car of you don't wanna deal with this, youre already taking car fees from her check, you gotta deal with the consequenced of giving her a shitty ass car

last thing, bossman called me on Friday asked me to come at 9:00 to talk about stuff, he didn't show up at all today, so he called another guy in the office to talk about the stuff with mw instead at 1:00 (that guy keeps his phone loud, it wasn't on speaker but he was standing next to me and i could hear the whole conversation) and bossman said "she seems forgetful so i was hoping she would forget about the meeting and i could put her on probation for not showing up"

so i was right in thinking they dont actually want me here, i was probably one of the people that guy hired to save his own ass,, which makes sense kinds?? cus i get the vibe bossman is always trying to catch me in a lie by rephrasing the same questions on different occasions even though i NEVER LIED,, hes trying to find something to put me on probation

[nerves-nebula]

was wonderinv who to ask then saw ur poston art school and went . yo!

anyway can i ask hows art school? like . is it worth it?? whats the experience and everything like + do u regret ur decision to go there? (dont feel forced to answer any of these) (for context + incase it wasn’t obvious ive been wanting and thinking of going to one if ever given the chance)

Oh man, where to start. Well first of all some of the main reasons to go to art school are the resources and the connections.

If you wanna get into furniture for example, that’s a lot easier if you have access to a whole workshop with tons of different saws. I’ve learned to use three different book binders as well as done hand binding myself, which is great fun for me but idk how I’ll make money out of that.

The thing is that depending on your major/department, a lot of the stuff you do in art school you could theoretically do on your own as well. So if you think you have enough willpower to make your own schedule and find your own resources then I’d say do that, and work on building your portfolio so you can show it off if you ever get the chance. especially if you don’t really have the money for college (I’m incredibly lucky to have someone help me cuz otherwise I’d be screwed)

If I’m honest, I didn’t really want to go to college at the time of me applying. I was kind of interested in learning how to wrap cars, and I wanted to take a course in that, if you can believe it. but all of my parents kids have to go to college no matter what (as in my mom forced me to apply to college and then sent me off like “I can’t help you pay for college btw good luck!”) so it was inevitable that I was going to go to an art school. which is fine because i've also always kind of wanted to go to a school, i was just stressed about not being able to afford it haha.

THEN there's what kind of art school you're going to. I'm at one of the most prestigious fine arts schools in the USA, because though I got admitted to others, I couldn't afford to go to others. the one I'm at offered the most money, because they could afford to. Idk what I'm gonna do with this degree but im in graphic design rn so I'll probably do something in that field. and it helps that the name of my school is renowned.

but if you, say, want to get into animation you're probably going to NEED to go to an art school. even if you cant get into an animation school specifically, any art school at all is better than none when it comes to animation (I think, idk for sure i'm not interested in animation as a job. my friend is tho so maybe I'll ask him)

now, HOW is art school? WELL. I've heard this isn't uncommon, but the first year was literally actual torture. it was really really bad. it made me more suicidal than I'd been since I was 12 and it ALSO made me start cutting for the first time ever. but I survived it, and the second year was way better! (if still stressful) the first year is for where they try to kill you, and the second year is where they go "haha just kidding ok lets get into what you want to know" at least that's how it is at where I am.

DESPITE the pain, and despite how even now I'm anxious about going back, I don't regret it at all. I really like my classmates and I love my professors. I love a lot of the work I've done and the skills I've learned. I liked living on campus and being so close to all that Art Stuff, even if i was too tired all the time to ever go out to any of the events.

plus on a more personal level, anywhere is better than living with my parents. so even if it was hellish the first year, i'm at least happy that i got things done and i wasn't wasting away at home with my mom.

hope that answers all your questions :)

[stateswscarlet]

i was wondering, how is it possible for people to be shocked by outcomes in the 3d or for anyone to ever feel like "i did not see that coming!" if everything is a manifestation and in order to manifest you HAVE to be in the state of something being true because manifestation is when self embodies something and the 3d reflects self? you can't be shocked and thrown off guard by something you believed/already knew, you can be upset but in a "woe is me, i knew it, this always happens to me, why does this always happen to me" kind of way not a "wtf? but i thought... xyz?" shouldn't everything that happens in the 3d be met with an "i knew it..." if the 3d is only ever a reflection reflecting self then how can there be supermodel's with body image issues? most people think they're "perfect" and worship them for their looks even though they themselves are super harsh on their looks and don't find themselves to be all that? should that not be what's reflecting though? not just the fact that they are "logically" attractive by society's physical standards so regardless of what they think of themselves people still find them attractive? how can there be people with mental illnesses like my grandfather who believe outright a chair is speaking and not only to him and that not actually reflect in the 3d? he's dead serious about it and at no point thinks it's strange or untrue.

the plain and simple answer is because believing something about the 3D doesn’t mean anything. you believe the 3D is one way all you want and still be “hit” with the “opposite” because belief in a dead world, a mirror with absolutely no meaning does NOTHING. thats why we say you must change SELF, it has NOTHING to do with whats in the 3D. Also, a lot of people when faced with the “opposite” do actually go to “woe is me” after the initial shock because they constantly experienced the same patterns.

as for supermodels, how do YOU know they believe people who say they’re pretty? You can have the “opposite” 3D in your face and STILL SEE IT AS SOMETHING THAT SERVES YOU! someone can tell you “omg youre so pretty!” and you can instantly think “they dont mean that. theyre only saying it to make me feel better or because they want something from me”. also, you can still think you’re shit and still believe that others love you. im an example of that, i used to believe i was so ugly, insecure, and unworthy but i had a strong belief that any guy i like would chase me and fall in love so that’s exactly what i experienced. even tho i had the opposite 3D, I still felt shitty WHILE knowing guys love me so much.

and also, there are infinite realities lmao. in YOUR reality you view those models as beautiful and everyone likes them, but in THEIR OWN they can have a totally different experience. you are also placing your assumptions on them and only experiencing YOUR limited perspective. Same with your grandpa.

belief in the 3D means nothing, and you can have multiple assumptions that relate to you AND others.

i would recommend that you apply the law for yourself instead of trying so hard to disprove it (not saying thats what you intended, but it does come across that way). it shouldn’t matter to you what others do and can’t do in their reality, use that energy for your own self. I cant force you to belief and have faith. and its not my job to.

this is the first and last ask im ever answering about stuff like this bc questions like this lack foundation and help no one, and if someone doesn’t believe in the law why in tarnation are they on my page? lmao?

[ankhisms]

rambling under the cut im fine dw

me: i need to stop always being so deeply afraid of people hating me or annoyed with me. people are allowed to dislike me for whatever reason, people are allowed to be annoyed by me, people are allowed to feel whatever they feel towards me and theres nothing i can do to control their feelings, nor should i want to control their feelings. i should just allow myself to exist and whoever likes me likes me and whoever doesnt doesnt and thats fine. i have to stop being so worried its tearing me apart.

me five minutes later: gotta go back to my job in the worried about if people hate me mines

my paranoia really frustrates me and i know the source of a lot of this is from a lifetime of being abused and neglected and harrassed and it doesnt help that i know its not just my paranoia when it comes to my abuser- i know for a fact that he does in fact want me dead and regularly would stalk my old blog and either send me himself or have his friends send very specific threats with details only he would know. so its the kind of thing where its hard to dismiss the paranoia by saying its not grounded in reality because i know he very much does want to finish what he started.

but besides that it can be really easy for me to fall into obsessive spiraling when i try to calmly talk to myself about this, like i tell myself that i should stop worrying about if people hate me and should just focus on being myself and being kind to others and doing whatever i can to help people and learn about the world and the people in it and listen to other people and be compassionate while not tolerating bigotry, but when my brain simpilifies this by saying "we should just try to be a good person" it starts to do morality spiraling like ok what does it mean to be a good person?

i cant just say well im a good person/i want to be a good person and pat myself on the back and call it a day thats not how it works, just like how kindness is a choice and is one we must continue to choose every day. i dont want to hurt anyone but i also dont want to fall apart and make everything about me/victimize myself if i did somehow hurt someone or did something wrong. but then theres also the fact that ive been punished all my life for just existing and have been painfully forced into masking and trying to seem ""normal"" and punished even further when im unable to mask or when i need help or have a meltdown etc etc so its very difficult to tell myself that i need to just allow myself to exist and be myself because im used to 25 years of being punished for that yknow.

my mind is getting fuzzy now but being a person is so weird and difficult and every day i feel more like im some kind of creature whos trying and failing to seem human. in the end i just want everyone to be okay and safe and to live comfortably and to be able to thrive and be respected and supported but at the same time i never apply that same thinking to myself, i still internally agree with my abuser and all the adults/my peers who told me i deserved pain and to be mistreated and could never have anything good and could never want anything. im working hard on challenging that thinking but its hard. anyway thanks if you read all this im fine i promise i just need to ignore my brain spiraling and distraxt myself

[mywitchcultblr]

i literally just said that zhongli has taken the form of a woman before. learn to read and again. just because a character is shown to tae the form of another gender, dress in clothes usually worn by another gender or what have you DOES NOT mean they are genderfluid or nonbinary. it isnt some magical proof someone doesnt care about their gender being comfortable with your gender and/or being willing to present yourself as another gender is normal and healthy. being insecure about your gender and getting defensive and afraid to appear as the opposite gender is not healthy. for either trans or cis people. and you are right zhongli isnt human, but that does not mean you have any right to apply human gender-fluidity to him. genderfluid is also a human concept. but you are wrong about him not caring about human rules. considering thats a major part of his character. he is literally described to be knowlegdeable in all many of topics "Zhongli has expertise in all manner of things, from fashion to daily essentials, to fine wines and delicacies, to teas and spices, and to flora and fauna. He is also more than capable of participating in discussions on commerce, politics, and international relations." to say he wouldn't care about or now human rules is just plain wrong and blatantly goes against canon and the writers intention for his character. and considering for most of his known history he has been shown as male with literally one mention of him going incognito as a woman. it is actually more clear he at LEAST prefers to be a man. this and the fact that he isnt bound by any other human rules yet he follows them anyway. his entire reason for retiring was because humans can care for themselves now and he wanted to live as a human. he literally has a job you cant argue he isnt bound by human rules when he imposes them upon himself for fun. and even when he hasnt appeared as a human he still identifies as a male. the game describes him as male, even in his dragon form, again, hes male. and you can scream transphobia all you like because i really dont care. i was trans once, realized it actually wasnt for me, sometimes i do feel like i wish i had a penis but yknow im am still comfortable as a female. i dress how i want and i view myself how i want and im not uncomfortable exploring myself or presenting myself differently. im not self conscious of how others will view me and my gender. you however do sound very insecure considering your first thought about me was some kind of bigot because i told you your gender head cannons arent actually canon and its rude of you to try and force/guilt trip people into agreeing with you. and im not being aggressive. I am telling you that this "I think people often deliberately forgetting or not acknowledged that Zhongli is gender fluid/gender queer and doesn't care about gender in general :/" is not canon. i am telling you that you have mischaracterized zhongli and are trying to push your head cannons as canon and onto other people. Again i am not telling you that you cannot have these head cannons or enjoy them. im telling you that they arent canon like you believe them to be, and that its rude of you to try to push it onto others. because thats what you're trying to do with that post.

im not saying you have to adhere to canon or even enjoy it. go ahead and head cannon him as genderfluid thats not the point. The point is you need to realize your head cannons and what you personally prefer do not dictate what the source material is or should be. The point is that no one else in fandom has to acknowledge your head cannons as canon. no one is "forgetting zhongli is genderfluid" because thats not canon or intended for his character by the writers.

Good novel, Zhongli is still genderqueer tho

[psychiatricwarfare]

FUCK man i shouldve applied to this job years ago!!! not only is it amazing to be surrounded by other disabled people all day but it's also incredible to be forced to not only think of what i Can do instead of what i cant &&& to help other disabled people do the same! to be able to make closer bonds with them because i Get It. to be able to have a job where i can visibly see the impact i have! to yell at ableists if they say shit to/about one of the people in my group (or myself)! my actual JOB is to advocate for disabled people! and the best part? a lot of staff there truly respect the people we help support. so many of them actually like coming to program every day because we dont force them to do anything they don't want to. we are trained to fully listen to them and their wants and needs!! i already feel so at home there, im already trusted by a few people that know im there to help them IF they need it and that's it. there is no "let me do this for you" but instead "would you like help with that?" and respecting their answer no matter what it is!!!! its treating adults like adults no matter what their disability is because They Are Adults!!!!!! i love this. i love disabled spaces. i love my community. i love being able to look at someone in my group and tell them "its okay, i need a lot of help too" and seeing the smile grow on their faces because they know im telling the truth. its absolutely incredible. they are helping me just as much as im helping them. we are living proof to each other that needing help is okay! most of the people who come to program live with adults who dont need much help and then come to program and work with more adults who dont need much help and so being able to be that bridge, that proof that they can do this too IF they want to, is incredible. not only that, but advocating for adults who want to stay in a program who have no interest in graduating or being fully independent because that's their right too. and i think what warms my heart the most is the amount of elderly people we have there. seeing people in our community grow old and hearing them talk about how things are so much better now. learning about the horrible ways they were treated when they were younger but they survived!! they survived those awful places and now just want to continue surviving, but happier.

i fucking love this job & im so fucking happy it fell into my lap the way it did. i couldnt be happier here

[mypoetichusband]

Anxious avoidance, sexual deviance and Jehovah. Understanding that the sexual drive is based in anxiousness: lust/breeding/hucow/rape fantasy of hers becomes a pleasure that is routed in ill practices for jehovah. Her violent need is pathological and must be treated as such, with her breed fetish falling in line with his expectations. So what “crosses teh line,” biblically, because outside of my integrations (based on a desire to keep her happy), her drive when applied to the marriage isn’t wrong outside of its pathological nature (for which even normal sex will enable due to the exposure attention). he wants me to keep it in line, he wants “clean sex,” meant for breading adn bounding, and I cant think of any more of an experience than literally being bound for breeding. Ropes, gags, and blindfolds… trust and lust, busts our nuts. Ha. Her final form, the thing I married probably craves this. The queen within her, suppressed by this disease, the blessing of genius adn curious of catholicism, from the polka, and the drive/ambition and philosophy of the French bound by catholicism. Without this disease we would dance the world, building out adn up, creating, guiding ,gently with force fo control, not confined by time/space/opinion of any other but Jehovah. Leading all who see u, smiling at the faces of those who call us heresy knowing that we dance our lines with jehovah. Let them say we shall not marry, and then let us learn out love for him. In that way our wisdom, intellect, vision, understanding will see. We are to be so beautiful as jehovah see us. Ever so calm ever so gentle, all those looking to us with us looking to Jehovah to elliviate our fears, adn what ever we dont know, we wait for him to show us. Trust, not just for mortgage payment or job, but for serenity, understanding, to remove the fear, the fear of ourselves for it is scary to us what we are, so we hide behind the anxious avoidance. We tell ourselves lust adn drug will pass our time, all the while, we feel bad not because of the porn or neglect, but because…. We are running form our selves. Quietly entering a space, clenched toeather, with everyone around us simply feeling ourpreseant without a word, ever word flowing from our mouth falloff insight as jehovah has created us in this way. This is what we are to be, a silent force, who’s main space is in our heads, communicating most without word, in deed, as in lust. Her word bound by gag, yet she speak forgiveness, trust, as her breast gain goose bumps, and the largest her nipples, calm, until communicating the pleasure. Restricted, until communicating comfort. All built in teh trust and understanding g her purpose to replace my stress with the stress of her pleasure that I may gain satisfaction to her slight motions as the wordless communications takes its trustful form. And when the time comes, her developed plan to ensnare and force me to such a trust, without fear of ignorance on the matter, but with trust in her dealings and education. Mutual satisfaction to communicate without words. As it cannot be rape once she gives in past her fear, understanding that for her yes, as she has said with adn without word, comes from how much force I give her. Take away the force, her insecurities breed fear. A fear I only see being irradiated once she is in her final form. securely able to communicate. She cant yet. She must live it within her self. Taking pride in her humble acceptance of how much she is to do to her herself. Understanding that it is not a curse but the greatest gift from Jehovah. The true compliment. What he built in its greatest form. And we have it. A tall, well postured, woman, with a gentle sweet grace, well leaned and studied, self taken care of, orangized, full of insight, her projects include the things she fears, tacklignithem one day at a time understanding that they are nothing, with Jehovah reminding her that she is built to do it. Even as I say these things. I can see it in her eyes “I cant be organized” foolish woman, jeohva has already done with you what he pleased, you are cursed

you are cursed to spend the rest of your days in agony if you fight this. “I am afraid I dont have the time” a day is but a day. You have the blessing and curse of forever, for you are to pick up where you left off the morrow. Time is not a bind for you. You, are jeohvahs and he has given you everything you need to be yourself. A levite, a strong women, built with a gift of individuality, to be strengthened and guided by his insight. And for that your re to be strongest in his eyes, only limited by your own bounds. Our own bounds. May our strong wise gray haired lives be filled with may days oaf reading and intellect bound to the reasonings of he who causes to become. May we continuously grow, living in a world of constant change for the better, understanding not to be affraid but to appreciate for better or worse what jehovah has placed us in. In that her anxiety is to turn to a fear of her self, and her avoidance is to turn away from anxiety, with her drives being endless and continueous. And her mind ever adapting to the stress she seeks to play with as that is what it wants. That is how Jehovah grows a girl to a woman. A wife. Through the stress of the fires that forge, comes the steeled silver that is the wife I have. May Jehovah adorn her with hidden graces that only she need know she has

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Agree but also hard disagree. As someone who has been in 12 for over a year in totals worth of inpatient - they are a *necessity.* Like I would not be alive otherwise or someone else wouldnt be. Are they fucking awful? Yes. I HATE them. They are miserable and a special sense of trapped and helpless.

Because it has to be.

Now, look. We really havent come that far from ye olde practices in psych wards including forced lobotomy, electrocution, and forceful restraint.

But we are also not there still. There are laws creeping up. You have rights, and yes some people in hospitals certainly do bend those definitions and is illegal, but the justice system is a joke EVERYWHERE, not necessarily just here. Also depends on your country, Im speaking from the US.

I hear the point of people fighting psych wards but they are also incredibly unhelpful and unrealistic. You cannot get rid of them. They have to exist. They absolutely need intense reform, but you do need to remember because you dont need that and its excessive for you, it isnt the case for someone else.

There are a lot of good people working in psych, however the intensity of the job and the abuse towards the workers has destroyed them. Also the benefits are shit. Frankly Im not sure how to solve that problem other than more people need to work and it needs to pay way better. Because you cant really get out of the aspect where patients desire to murder you.

Your situation does not apply to many of the people who need hospitals. I have been in 12. I can feel another one potentially around the corner. It has been absolutely essential. I do not like it, ive had horrible problems just from being in them, I dont even care for being alive, but it did what it was meant to.

Inpatients are for guaranteed safety. What you may have wanted instead is residential or php, which are less intense and more homely, while still really high levels of care. They actually treat, not stabilize. I do wish the levels of care were more accessible and integrated

and here is the thing. all psych wards are bad. every single one. I don’t think there is such a thing as a good psych ward—I’m willing to believe that there are some good people who work in psych wards, who have good intentions, and who might end up helping some people. but the psych ward as a whole? There are no good psych wards. The structure of a psych ward inherently prevents it from being good. Even if you personally think you had a good experience in a psych ward, most likely what that means is that the abusive practices weren’t used on you. But those things are still there. even if you weren’t put into solitary confinement, it is extremely likely that your psych ward still had a room for that. even if you weren’t drugged without your consent, it is very likely other people were being drugged without consent!! even if you weren’t strip searched, or tied to your bed, or starved…it is VERY likely that your psych ward has protocols for all these things and regularly does them to many people who come through the ward! And it is vital to think about how your race, class, and other identities affected your experience before making broad claims about things “never happening” in psych wards.

Psych wards are inherently violent, oppressive, and unethical based solely on the fact that they are a form of incarceration, but even beyond that? If a psych ward is committed to enforcing compliance and incarceration, it is going to have some of those abusive measures that I listed above, and that is going to be standard protocol. Even if there are good people working in a psych ward, their reach is going to be limited—the power of the institution means that they constantly have to weigh the decision to break the rules and help someone, or to follow violent protocols. Most clinicians and staff will choose not to lose their job and even if they find it personally distasteful, will still choose to enable these types of violence. Good people on the inside are not able to fundamentally change the reality of what psych wards are and what they can do.

I strongly believe that people who say they have good experiences are the outlier and also are likely to be white and rich. Even if people don’t think that their experience was abusive, a lot of people generally find it boring, unhelpful, and mediocre. And so, so many people are experiencing abuse in a daily fucking basis in these places. Even if there are individuals who manage to escape the worst of a psych ward, the fact that the psych ward has the power, structure, and protocol to do these things to anyone is a problem.

[mimikyuno]

you said something akin to 'Finland is not a utopia everybody imagines it to be', but isn't everything understood in comparison? where is it better? no prison for being queer, freer speech, water runs after the tap is turned on. Gini coefficient? low. Human Development Index? high. democracy?!. yes!!! even amphetamines are partly covered for!!!

aah i see that’s what your ask was about! i thought you were asking me for unmedicated adhd advice 😭

anyway dont get me wrong, as an immigrant, when i first moved to finland i fell into the trap of this complacent mentality. i thought, that because here was so much better than italy, i had no right to complain or that would mean i was ungrateful. but again, as an immigrant, i saw a lot of the awful awful awful sides of finland. waiting months and months for the way too busy immigration office, struggling with ridiculous paper work with no help. when i first moved here, i had to go through the impossible loop of not being able to apply for a flat till i had a job and a security number, but not being able to apply for a security number till i had a job and/or an address, and not being able to apply for a job without an address and a security number. luckily for me, my partner is finnish, and we applied for a flat in her name, so i got out of that loop, and im in university as an official finnish resident, and will apply for citizenship soon. as a white european immigrant who is married to a finnish person, i have it way easier than a lot of my immigrant friends i made at finnish language school. as a mentally ill student, i see the terrible issues in the healthcare system especially - it’s just. really bad. so bad, that i often get nostalgic of the italian system. and if you know, then you know how bad it gets 😭

i think it’s very dangerous to not criticise what is wrong in finland bc it’s worse in other places - that attitude is at the core of all the awful policies the current right-wing government is pushing. when people complain about cuts to welfare, healthcare, education and more, they often get dismissed as “it’s worse elsewhere”, meanwhile stuff goes to shit. as an education major (switching to archaeology after i get my master’s) i saw in real time the insane damages the cuts have caused to kindergartens and elementary schools. i wont get into detail bc i’d have to write an essay. most finnish men think that finland has reached gender equality and finnish women have no right to complain when “it’s worse elsewhere”, but that doesnt mean that finland has actually reached gender equality (it hasnt! bc no country in the world has! and yes it was nice to have sanna marin as pm, but you should have heard the misogynystic bullshit spouted everywhere about her here, there’s a reason why she abandoned politics). we have a rampant racism issue, it’s really, really, really bad. i think i remember a statistic that showed finland is like the one of the most racist countries in europe, and it shows. even i, a white european, was harassed in the street by a finnish man who heard me speak english, who yelled at me to get back to my country. until 2 years ago, finland was violating human rights by forcing trans people to get sterilised to change their gender marker. trans people protested for years. should they not have, as trans people elsewhere had it worse? bc thanks to their protesting for years and years, things changed. but with your logic, trans people here should still get sterilised without complaining as at least they can legally transition? and as someone who is currently going through gender therapy, i can tell u trans care is bad. my friend, a trans guy, has been unable to access gender care bc he has depression and he’s unemployed. he cant get neurodivergence diagnoses (adhd&autism, which he so clearly has) bc one (1) public doctor dismissed him years ago, and he’d need to spend hundreds of euros to get help privately (u only get a shot at one diagnosis in the public healthcare system now!). when he went for help for his depression, they told him the root cause is his dysphoria. which he cant ease bc he’s depressed, and as such banned from getting gender care. if he got a job, he’d lose his unemployment benefits and access to mental health services he’s using. and he’s disabled, and not getting any help. he’s literally stuck, and getting 0 help. finland is FULL of young people like this. who have no job, no money, mental health issues that get dismissed and go untreated, and many turn to substances. there’s a reason why finland is in the top 15 (or even 10 i don’t remember) for suicide rate. in finland, i often heard the joke that the reason we get voted as happiest country is bc everyone who is slightly unhappy here gets driven to suicide lol. so yeah, i think it’s worth complaining and fix the system because a lot of people are suffering here.

dont get me wrong, i do think it’s good to be thankful and keep in mind all the good things about finland, but in my opionion that also means being critical when these things are threatened and also strive to improve the situation! complacency is a very dangerous thing. oh and i once reblogged a good comic about this!

i just. i think “finland has a first world country with a better-than-average quality of life with a lot of welfare services and support systems” and “finland is not a utopia and has a lot of issues, like rampant racism, literal nazi ministers in the government (who proudly say so publicly!!), a government who’s cutting funds left and right, poor people who can’t afford food as prices soar, a healthcare system thats bursting at the seams, underfunded education, systemic transphobia, and more, and these things should be worth complaining about and fix even though they might be even worse somewhere else” are two statements that can and should coexist 🤷🏻

[nyapologies]

4 11 18 22 31 43 f for scorpion. hi scorpion :3

under tha cut againnn

4. How easy is it to earn their trust?

WELL. He is extremely paranoid so it's not super easy. I think with the people he's close with he both trusts them more AND less. He wants to confide in them everything hes scared about, and at the same time he's terrified that they'll turn on him on a dime.

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

It depends on the cause? I think he would just ask because he doesn't like being out of the loop of things. I think with some things he knows when to just smile and nod though (cough cough overlord cough cough)

18. What embarrasses them?

Everything <3 he feels really embarrassed about being like. so much more paranoid/jumpy after the timeloop and about everyone seeing his Whole Ass wrt his past and stuff. He's embarrassed about asking for help also but his fears overpower that embarrassment. He generally is also just easy to emasculate lmao

22. How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? 

EXTREMELY possessive. If he's jealous it will be likely be obvious. He's jealous a lot in general, it just gets covered up by the more Visible emotions he has (like. fear.) and it manifests mainly by just being extremely clingy. People are allowed to leave him but also No They Arent

31.  Who are they the most glad to have met? 

Probably Overlord at this point honestly. He feels guilt and shame wrt the other Sinistar members because no matter how much he gets better he can't really undo all the horrible shit he was doing/has done to all of them. So there's always gonna be a gap there that he can't bring himself to cross, to get closer to any of them. But with Overlord he doesn't have that personal baggage and in a way he feels better about himself Because Overlord is kind of morally questionable. Because if Overlord can do questionable/bad things but still be overall a force of Good (at least in scorpions opinion) then maybe the same can apply to him.

43. If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so? 

HELP. WELL. I think he would still say he's straight and cis. I think he has the potential to become/realize he's bi but at the same time he kind of has bigger issues. insert that one tweet thats like i might be nonbinary but i cant worry abt that right now i have a job to do. Also Overlord could absolutely turn him bi if he wanted to.

F. What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

A lot of things. It's a lot more complicated now because of. Recent Events? I love him though and I want good things for him forever. I also want to torment him but dont worry about that

[miamoo27]

Before I do anything I need to write this

This weekend "it" started again. I felt the guilt come on of not wanting to spend time with my family or anyone. It isnt that I dont like people, I spend time with people all week. At work, school and home I am constantly having to deal with others energies. I need a break most weekends from the constant rush of the week days. I liked to use the weekends to do work, smoke, crochet, watch tv and rest. But it seems whenever my mother or father is around it is hard to relax. I am sitting her exhausted from forcing myself to look "happy" for my mom when there is 10000 things on my mind and the only thing I want to do is be alone and smoke and vibe. By myself. I dont know if it is healthy but my energy is depleted. It is the constant need my mom has for me to be around her and my pressure I put on myself to give her the attention.

Our personalities clash. All of this is very hard for me to admit or write down. I have no excuse anymore my mother is a good person. It used to be her drinking so i didnt mind saying anything negative. But now I feel like shit. But I have to remember my feelings and these journals are anonymous.

My mother came from an Italian catholic family. Stranegly enough her mother was really successful and work herself to get a good job and go to get a PHD as an immigrant. Her father was um machismo, racist. I love my grandparents but its the truth. For some reason my mom never like questioned that her parents had negative world-views. I get it was a different time but my mom grew up in the 70s so it isnt that insane for her to question her parents values. But instead she let her parents values of gender, race and class affect her. They brainwashed her and she never had the freedom to question it. Despite my mom being similiar to her parents in that regard. I feel the complete opposite and knowing who I am now I always questionsed everything my parents, teachers or society told me. It was just in my nature.

My moms parents were mean to her as well. Throwing degrating comments at her like "shes a broad" "shes bigger" "You arent good at art." The last one shocks me, my uncle told me they told her that after she came home and asked my grandma why she never puts her paintings on the wall "Because your no good." Who knows if thats true. When I brought it up to my mom she didnt answer. I cant believe the grandmother that basically raised me acted like this. But I even questioned her.

Who knows I dont know if this is just her. Because similiar to my brother I know why her parents (mom) maybe had ill feelings about her or were testing her. My father likes me more. I know thats hard to admit. He loves all his kids I know that. But he likes certain ones in particular, espically the struggled story ones and the fighters.

My father worked insanely hard to get where he is. I can confidently say my dad is smart. Hes intelligent in a different way then i am but he works his ass off. I work my ass off. He struggled because of money I struggled beacause of my learning disability we both struggled and made it out successful. My father watched me year after year fight for my education and never stopped supporting me. I know I annoy him piss him off but I cant deny that I love my dad. Even the times when I wanted to never speak to him again after cheating on mom, drinking with her and being a poor husband. Which affected him as a dad he was not here. But he always managed to stick up for me. And call me out on bs.

So when he believed me when I said I got accepted to FDU. EVen though I got into the interview. I wanted to cry. My dad who usually only believes me when I am telling the truth is sticking up for me when I lied because I am embarrassed that I did not get in anywhere and did not apply to montclair. I hate it. I am so mad. I am so confused. I worked so fucking hard and I know how this work I know life is not fair but I worked so hard I earned this I got so many punches I need a win.'

Also i feel weird I lied. I know when I am lying. I been in therapy long enough. I just want to make evryone proud. Think I can do something like go to grad school. But is it really what I want? Do I really want to be in jersey? I have so many terrible memories here. I dont want to be around Nick or Andrys. I dont want to be around everyone thats done me wrong. Not that they are the only reason I need to go. ASAP.

I know I can do more than this I feel it. I am not content. Thats my issue I relax but feel fire in me. Maybe I am a sag. I have a restless fire alway even if I am upset. The only time it rests is if I am sick.

My blood pressure was high again. I know why I am a mess I am nervous without me knowing it anymore. I dont feel it as much. All the lexapro and adderall drowned me out to not even being aware of my own anxieties and issues. I think of smoking weed all the time. I hit my juul and drink coffee excessively even right now. I put on a happy face genuinely think positively but I am so aware it hurt me. I get bored so easly I stay away from people. I bask in my addictions and pleasures. I am fearful still of someone leaving. I have been hurt so I would rather be alone. I am not depressed but I am aware of life. I accept it but then I move restlessly about. THinking all the time. My mind does not stop.

I won though. I won when I told myself today I am going to do what I want. NOt what will make my family happy. Or what I want to do in order to make them proud. But to actually do what I want. I dont know what that is yet but I am planning on figuring it out at some point.

[nahalism]

how are you feeling? -

i have been contemplating on moving to france or africa. in my spirit, i feel very happy about it but when i have to think about financial reasons, i panic a little bit. starting everything all over again can be slightly scary.

but i have an aunty who has a stroke. myself and my brother look after. and it feels like we might be ungrateful if we move out and leave her because the extended family believe myself and my brothers have benefited from her(we pay no rent and she took us in like her own)- she’s my mum’s older sister.

i have been doing this since i was 15years. i’m 25. her son lives with us but he doesn’t do so much. (not to be rude) i told my family i want to relocate and they don’t seem so happy, especially my mum and other two brothers. i have three brothers but i live with one and my cousin.

i truly feel so happy and free when i’m in africa. maybe the reason why i want to move to france too is because my mum lives there. but idk, will i be ungrateful to want to relocate?

do you advise to relocate even if you don’t have enough savings? but ofc i’m on a job hunt at the moment (applying in paris and in africa) - a well paying position.

i am partially unemployed (if that’s the right way to say it) i have savings. enough for a good three months but i feel i could do better. i’m so hard on myself right now in terms of not having a stable job. i have a degree in education but sigh it’s been a bit stressful getting a job.

sometimes the voices of people become so loud, which leaves me doubting my own voice and makes me feel like my decision and feelings don’t matter so much. i seek for answers from others when i know the answer is within.

i apologise for having you absorb this.

hey angel. im blessed, ive been going through some life things i cant lie, but all in all have nothing to complain about

dont apologise for asking for another perspective <3. my only concern is that you feel the voices and opinions of others are so strong that you often dont hear your own voice. as such youve almost answered the question for me, because my voice/ my opinion, although objective is still just another voice to consider. the only persons feelings who matter are your own, so the true solution lies in the conclusion you come to when youve had some time and distance from the situation & can contemplate it clearly. ultimately i think you already know what you want to do. youve damn near planned your way to living in africa/paris lol. perhaps you came to me to affirm that choice so you'd feel less guilty making it?

you shouldnt feel guilty. there are so many factors at play here. theres the culture clash of african mentality (communal expectation, and obligation of youth to their elders) and western individualism (living ones own life primarily for ones self). as such the choice boils down to taking on imposed responsibility (against your will/desire and at the cost of your freedom) and having the choice to choose your own path and find joy doing it (yet sometimes this path leads to the illusion of freedom but not the attainment of it)

if ive understood that part correctly then id agree with you in saying its not an easy choice, however it still comes down to the decision you can live with making, not just today, but in the future. i personally have had to make similar choices, and its never as cut and dry as it seems. no one should be forced to carry a burden they dont want to, especially when the option isnt to share the burden (giving you and your brother a chance to live your own lives) but rather to shirk the responsibility entirely on to the two of you. the price for your auntie raising you and sustaining your life shouldn't be servitude to her, it should be the reward of actually getting to live your life. that is how you thank her sacrifice. moreover it was her choice, her sacrifice. not a binding contract. she gave to you because she found it in her heart to. simple as, if you know your grateful, theres nothing left to proove. — she has siblings and family (i assume, from what you wrote) who are enabled to stand on the outskirts because you are carrying the burden of responsibility that they refuse to carry. if they're happy to watch you sacrifice, and let you feel selfish for not doing so, its because you doing what your doing means they dont have to do it. if that is the case — why would they empower you to leave when it would mean more responsibility for them? im not saying this to belittle, or judge them, just to make it clear to you that you should not be listening to them, or their opinions because they dont have your interest at heart.

on the other hand, your auntie does have your interest at heart, (since she raised you). consider your relationship with her and what as an adult, you would like to give her. is that thanks through care & comfort now that she ms the one who needs care, or is it allowing others to step up and care for her (you've taken your turn for the past ten years) and pursuing prospects you wouldn't be able to take on as a carer for her and her situation? this is a decision that should be made out of truth. not guilt and consideration of the past. when your in bed at night in africa or paris, consider if you will sleep easy knowing the decision you made and your reasons for making it. its very possible you moving will allow you to blossom (being away from what sounds like a stressful family situation) and that could bring unforeseen profit to not only you but those you live and care for. perhaps you moving short term, is best for her and your family long term? only you know whats within you. if you aunty still has command of speech its worth sitting with her one on one, discussing what you feel and hearing her thoughts on it. if she can give you her blessing no more really needs to be said and you moving doesn't have to compromise your relationship.

a question that might help you find your answer: is you leaving running away to some extent? is there no way for you to be who you are freely from where you are? what you are, what you feel, the thing that drives you, it finds you wherever you are the world. so just try to ensure your making your choices from a place of understanding, not escape, because you cant outrun or escape whats within you. holidays bring different fantasies than moving.

there are times i chose myself and it paid dividends. to have chosen another would have meant repeating a cycle and i decided that i was here to break the cycle. so i found peace in that choice. there were other times i chose myself only to realise i have no self without those who came before me. staying helped me build and mend, and grow in character & self knowledge. staying was what broke the cycle. it brought peace, harmony and love where there was none.

i know i couldnt give a direct answer, but i know you have what it takes to find the right answer for yourself, and the courage to act on it and excel at whatever you choose. dont let people pressure you. dont let people bully you. live according to what you feel & what you know is right in your heart. sending you my love and big blessings <3:*

[haunter-geist]

could use a little advice/help

So. I've been homeless before when I was younger however at the time I managed to stay in a tent in the woods with my father and grandfather, and at another point in my life, a car. Now that I'm an adult, my father has practically forgotten my existence as well as my younger sisters and isnt paying child support to my stepmom.

For context we last month just lost our place cause our cuck of a landlord wanted to sell the condo as opposed to allowing people to rent it. My father and grandfather, knowing I was supposed to go live with them (as they are holding my birth certificate hostage and I cannot get an i.d or job so far as I know), decided to get a 1 bed no floor space tiny motel room for themselves to share, forcing me to live with my stepmom for a temporary time.

The time where I need to get out of here is coming up because they cant keep having me live here as I'm quite literally sharing the living room with 3 other people and sleeping on a mattress on the floor. My stepmom keeps telling me "well they technically havent kicked you out so just go with them wherever they end up", okay so here's why that's not an option:

I'm trans and gay, big ol homo, my grandfather and dad are both abusive and transphobic and dont even bother trying to help me when I ask for things I need, this has been a consistent pattern as I've not been given my own hygiene products consistently for the past 8 years, forced to share dollar store 3 n 1 with my grandfather, havent had a hairbrush, and rarely could buy myself clothes. If I attempt to go live with them it will most likely result in me quite literally on the street, I dont think they'll let me back into their life and I really feel unsafe around them anyways and dont want back in, especially knowing they most likely will not have a stable place to live.

My dads on unemployment and refusing to get a job and only applying for ones he isnt qualified for, spending almost all his money on beer and weed and cigarettes, and my grandpa's using his social security deposits to pay for their motel.

I'm on the verge of being homeless and could really use some advice on where to go to find resources or some resource hotlines. If theres a way to get a free copy of your social security card or birth certificate in the U.S please let me know. I need to find a way to get an i.d so I can do literally anything like get a job so I can feed myself if worse comes to worse.

PayPal requires an i.d to get money so my friends cant even send me any so please please please if anyone can help me figure out how to get an i.d in my situation I really need it.