#and ok I cancelled the next session we had set up back then for reasons of The Suckage

[ace-malarky]

Or I could slam face first into burnout and nihilism, i guess that's also an option :I

doesn't help that the recording I have of the last dnd session (from the beginning of fucking january) only really has my voice and fucking like. whispers. of the party. so it's unusuable, of course. and like it's fine it was just a dungeon crawl there wasn't any plot relevance or whatever but I'm just. so tired.

but that really kinda fucked up my plans for writing yesterday haha

my main plan for November is to pile into even more scenes and also maybe that one DnD session I still haven't got around to writing lmao

no word count, just getting things done so we'll see

[okayshin]

ʏᴀɴᴅᴇʀᴇ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴɴᴏɴs

✉ how they choose their darling 

⤹ yandere!au

⤹ pretty boy setter edition 

⤹ ft. akaashi, kageyama, kenma, oikawa, sugawara

⤹ tw. manipulation, fwb mention, typical yan things

═══ ᴀᴋᴀᴀsʜɪ ᴋᴇɪᴊɪ 

▹    akaashi notices everything you do

▹    no matter how small, he sees it. takes notes. studies it and you

▹    you would’ve became friends with him in high school, introduced by the elated bokuto who “wants all of his friends to be friends” 

▹    you’re dedicated and he likes that about you 

▹    always attending every game, even if you mention previously that you might not be able to make it because a, b, or c. 

▹    and bokuto lives for you being there. if akaashi didn’t know any better, he’d think bokuto had a crush on you 

▹    akaashi is self-aware, to an extent. 

▹    yes, he knows he shouldn’t be getting a bubble of anger in his chest when he sees you hug sweaty bokuto first after a game

▹    but he brushes it off as jealousy. nothing more, nothing less

    ══

They got the last touch. They were the victors of yet another game, and they would be the ones going to the finals. 

They are the stars of the world. 

So why does he feel a pang in his chest when you come down from the bleachers and go straight for Bokuto? 

All excitement burns down to something less, the remains of a match brought to nothing more than charcoal and smoke while he watches his best friend swing you around in a hug. 

“Did you see us?” he asks excitedly after setting you down, grin ever present on his features. You can only nod, just as happy as the man in front of you. You pull him into another, less frantic, hug, then turn when Bokuto addresses Akaashi as he approaches. 

“We did it, Akaashi!” 

“We did.” 

As upset as Akaashi wants to be, Bokuto’s exhilaration is infectious. A smile makes its way on Akaashi’s face without him realizing, only to grow when you open your arms to him and give an excited squeal. 

Whatever jealousy his mind made stems down to nothing more than ash, blown away the moment your arms wrap around his neck. 

And suddenly, everything is okay again. 

═══ ᴋᴀɢᴇʏᴀᴍᴀ ᴛᴏʙɪᴏ 

▹    kags isn’t the type to get into a relationship ok

▹    however, i do see him as the type to become fwb with someone

▹    it’s not something that happens instantly ofc. it takes a lot of time and talking about boundaries and rules, but you get there eventually

▹    and you’d absolutely adore kags 

▹    he knows it, too 

▹    kageyama lives off of whatever attention you present him with

▹    but he sees no point in reciprocating anything 

▹    give him an inch and he takes a mile 

▹    he won’t acknowledge if you do anything that’s more romantic than fwb 

▹    bring him a bento box for lunch “just ‘cause you felt like it?”? don’t make a habit of it, or he’ll start to expect them, without giving back anything in return 

    ══

The blank look on his face should’ve told it all, honestly. 

But, you’re no quitter! And in your defense, he was the one who told you yesterday how good your lunch looked. 

Kageyama only stared as you presented him with a neatly wrapped bento box, processing what this could imply further down the line. Regardless, he takes the food and unwraps the cloth. It’s the exact thing you brought the day before, and despite your friends’ protests of ‘not getting too attached to someone like him’, you’ve taken it upon yourself to do something nice for him. 

It is one lunch, after all. Maybe a second if he doesn’t cancel your ‘study session’ planned later on in the week. 

“Thank you for yesterday,” you say nonchalantly, as if he didn’t blow out your back in the bathroom stalls with the only reasoning being ‘because Hinata pissed him off’ and he needed to do something with his pent up aggression, “I had a good time.” 

He doesn’t reply, but you don’t expect him to; instead relishing in the fact that the tips of his ears burn. That doesn’t stop a smirk from forming on his face, though.

═══ ᴋᴇɴᴍᴀ ᴋᴏᴢᴜᴍᴇ 

▹    kenma is one of the most analytical out of the five

▹    he can easily pick up on the things you do

▹    your pet peeves, your tics, your habits, all of it

▹    and he can just as easily use them against you 

▹    is the best at making it seem unintentional

▹    what do you mean you don’t want to watch his game? you promised you would, even though he sort of pressured you to in the middle of a gaming sesh but it’s not fair to just,,, tell him you have other plans!

▹    it’s kinda rude to just get his hopes up and then let him down, isn’t it? 

▹    probably the most self-aware out of everyone, but he really doesn’t care. people usually look over him because of how unassuming he is, so why would him taking interest in you be noticed either? 

    ══

Your agitation was tangible. He could make out your form under a blanket from the video call you were on, pitiful and tired, but that doesn’t stop the slight frown from crossing his features. 

“You promised you’d come watch me and Kuroo play tomorrow, though.” A pinky promise, at that, but he wouldn’t bring up the facts. 

You pout, shoulders dropping with a sniffle, “That was before my parents told me about their anniversary dinner, Kenma.” 

“I really wanted you to meet my friend from Karasuno. I think you’d really like him.” He toys with the string of his hoodie, looking away from the screen for just a moment. He hears you huff out a sigh, screen going black for a moment. 

Video Paused. 

“I’ll talk to them about it, see if I can make it up to them somehow.” Another sigh, followed by some tapping on the screen that Kenma can only assume is you typing. 

“If you can’t, it’s okay. No need to worry about it.” Kenma says dismissively, despite knowing you and your tells; the tone of your voice breaking way into confirmation that you’ve given in to his less-than-pushy demand. 

“Too late,” your screen comes back on, some shuffling and replacing your phone propped against a pillow, “already texted them. What kind of snacks should I bring?” 

“Whatever can get you through the match.” He smiles, a genuine, sweet smile only reserved for those he cares about. 

═══ ᴏɪᴋᴀᴡᴀ ᴛᴏᴏʀᴜ

▹    oikawa is manipulative for starters 

▹    to his peers, his friends, his teachers, his fangirls, to everyone

▹    he’s good at adapting to less-than favorable situations and will do whatever it takes to get his way

▹    the definition of a brat

▹    he’s not above using people for how own advantage, either 

▹    you don’t want to go out with him? that’s perfectly fine! just don’t come crying to him when you get hundreds of hate mail from his fangirls that he oh so dramatically confided in

▹    is not afraid to make you out to be the bad guy at all 

▹    honestly doesn’t care if you really like him or not. even if you say you don’t, he just believes you’re lying. he’s the great king, after all. who wouldn’t like him

    ══

This was the fifth letter you’d found in your locker since school started. No, scratch that- the first two were slipped into your backpack, along with some of your items being stolen by whatever crazed fangirl deemed it necessary to make your day worse than what it already was. 

It doesn’t take an idiot to know what you did wrong to be in this situation. You’d denied Oikawa Tooru, your school's golden boy, telling him you’d rather study than watch him practice volleyball and get dinner after. If you’d known this would be the backlash, you would’ve thought twice about turning him down. 

Someone clicks their tongue behind you, causing you to jump and whirl around. The man at fault stands looking over your shoulder, hands on his hips with a pout on his face. 

“That doesn’t look like a confession letter- unless the broken heart means you’ve already denied them before they had a chance?” 

The suggestion makes you more than agitated- he knows what the letter is. Hell, he probably gave them pointers on what to write! You slam your locker closed with one hand and crumble the letter with the other.

“Is there something I can help you with, Oikawa?”

His name tastes like venom on your tongue, yet it doesn’t make him falter, pout turning to a grin, “There is actually. I’m sure you’ve heard we’re up against The Iron Wall- and I was just double checking that my potential number one supporter would be there?” 

You open your mouth to snap out a reply, but you can feel the glares from your peers; girls and boys alike whispering to each other- stirring a pot they know nothing about. 

So, you bite your tongue. Grit your teeth and deal. It’s just one game, after all- what’s the harm in missing a few hours of a study session? 

“Yeah, I’ll be there.” 

“Great!” His smile grows tenfold, reaching up and pinching your cheek endearingly, “I’ll be sure to let everyone know just how sweet you really are.” 

You don’t miss the mischievous glint in his eyes; the way he moves away from you so confidently telling you more than enough. He knows the game and he’s playing it well. 

═══ sᴜɢᴀᴡᴀʀᴀ ᴋᴏᴜsʜɪ

▹    the sweetest boy on god

▹    just cannot place his feelings! 

▹    does he like you? like like you? want to be friends? more than friends? take you away from anything and everything that could ever hurt you? 

▹    falls back more into the last category, and can only assume it means he likes you

▹    he’s probably the least dangerous to have after you 

▹    suga doesn’t want to do anything that would ruin your relationship, or the potential for any future relationships

▹    this makes him the best friend you could ever ask for, honestly 

▹    will walk you home if you ask (as long as you can stand to wait until after practice) 

▹    takes you out for lunch or dinner or study sessions at the local cafe on the weekend and refuses to let you pay for anything

▹    snacks, drinks, and meals are all on him and he doesn’t complain at all

▹    generally doesn’t ask for anything but your friendship in return

▹    but if you give him a hug or hold onto his arm and let him imagine you’re more than something you aren’t then that’s the best payment

    ══

“You’ve gotta let me pay for something, Suga,” you whine, trying to push some cash into the center of the table only for the man to push it back towards you and pass his card directly to the waiter instead. 

“Nope, I invited you out so therefore I pay.” 

“By that logic, if I invite you out next weekend then I’ll pay?” You grumble, stuffing the money back into your wallet. “Sounds fair to me.” 

“No,” he disagrees again, looking up when the waiter brings back his card and a paper to sign, “I’ll just say no to hanging out- therefore you have no reason to pay.” 

“That’s just mean, Suga.” You whine again, “What if I say no to your hangout session, then?” 

“You can’t say no to me.” He smiles an award winning smile, thanking the waiter, then standing and waiting for you to pull on your jacket before you step outside. “It’s not allowed.” 

“‘Not allowed’?” You repeat with a scoff, scrunching your nose at how chilly the temperature outside is compared to the warmth inside the building, “So you can say no to me, but I can’t you? Isn’t that a double-standard and make you a hypocrite?” 

“Maybe,” he shrugs, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets, “but it doesn’t change the fact that I simply will not be letting you pay for anything.” 

You puff out your cheeks in protest, but it’s gone just as quickly as it appeared and is replaced with a grin. Patting Sugawara on the arm a couple of times before your arm wraps itself around his own while you pull him closer to your favorite spot. The dog park. 

Sugawara always plans for this; taking you past the park so you can see all the pets running around. Your reaction is always the same- hitting him a few times to get his attention, then, wrapping your arm around his so he doesn’t stray far, and won’t leave his until he drops you off at him. It’s routine, at this point. Your warmth seeps through his jacket, and it’s all the payment he needs.

[mypassionfortrash]

KICKS (part five)

After you and Roger nail down his limits, you finally set a date for your first kinky playdate. And, more importantly, you open him up to brand new sensations!

WARNINGS: Strong D/s themes; restraints, edging, overstimulation, facesitting and anal.  STRICTLY 18+. NOTES: Still going strong with this one! Thank you so much for all the kind words and amazing feedback on the first few parts. This chapter’s really long (over 6,000 words) so please brace yourselves! AND PLEASE, IF YOU LIKED THIS, SHARE IT!

CATCH UP: Part one // Part two // Part three // Part four

Tags: @jennyggggrrr​ @sarahgurl09​ @scorpiogemini @johnricharddeacy​​ @brianssixpence​​ @hellohellothere12 @crazylittlethingcalledobsession @internationalkpoplova @thefairyfellersmasterstroke @six-bloodyminutes @hannafuckingsucks​ @dancingcoolcat​ @cherries-n-rocknroll​ @theedwardscollection​ @inthelapofrogertaylor​ @lnnuend0​ @just-my-sickly-pride​ @yourlocalmusicalprostitute​ @johndeaconshands​ @loveandbeloved29​ @toreyyyyyy 

“Scat? Like… Jazz singing?” Roger’s eyebrows hiked up. “Definite hard limit.”

“You poor thing,” you muttered, wrestling with a scantily clad mannequin.

Roger looked up at you from behind the cash desk. He shrugged. “Well, what does it mean, then?”

“It means shit.”

He scowled, sticking out his tongue. “People get off on that? Having people… shit on them? Fuck that!”

You shrugged and fastened the clasp on the harness bra you had dressed Melanie the Mannequin in. Then you assessed her hard plastic, but still very naked, rack. “Yep. People definitely get off on it,” you said, reaching for a roll of black bondage tape. Melanie didn’t have nipples, but she still looked far too nude to be front and centre in the shop window, so you bit off small strips of tape and stuck two ‘x’ shapes across her breasts. That might keep the locals quiet, you hoped.

“Definite hard limit,” he hummed, checking the box next to ‘scat’ in the book. “Ok, so watersports?”

When Melanie was safely back on display, you turned around to find Roger nodding as he continued to study the book of kinks.

“I love watersports,” he said.

“That doesn’t mean what you think it does either, Roger. And I’m not going to wee on you.”

“Wee on me?” he repeated, narrowing his eyes. “Oh! Oh, fuck, no! Limit limit limit!”

Perching up on the opposite side of the cash desk, you grabbed the book. “Alright, so we’ve got blood, needles, breath play, scat and watersports as hard limits. I’m going to add vomit to this as well because I’m assuming you’re not into that?” you began, glancing up at Roger.

He gave a swift nod in response.

“And feet, hair removal, enemas and blindfolds as soft limits. Why the blindfolds?”

“Betsy.”

“That’s fair.”

“And you want to try orgasm denial, overstimulation, chastity, restraints, spanking, queening – for obvious reasons – as well as pegging with a question mark and… humiliation.”

“Yeah, I’m not sure what pegging is,” Roger said. He knew. The peachy-pink flush that flashed over his jaw and up to his ears gave him away.

“Remember Big Red?” you asked, nodding towards the display on which Big Red lived.

His voice grew smaller as the redness seeped to his cheeks and down to his chest. “Yeah?”

“And how you said you didn’t want anything in your bum? Ever?”

Roger nodded and rubbed his palms together.

“Well, pegging is when your partner puts things up your bum.”

His teeth sank into his lower lip and tugged. “That… that sounds interesting.”

“Still want to try it?”

Roger swallowed hard. Then he nodded.

“And you know what queening is?”

“Not really, but it sounded fun,” he said enthusiastically. Then he leaned forward, furrowing his brow. “What is it?”

“It’s when I sit on your face and you…” you trailed off, flicking your tongue through your fingers.

“Oh, wow! Sign me up!”

“Let’s do that as a reward for you,” you reasoned. “And you remember all of my rules?”

Roger recited your list like a well-prepared boy scout, looking pleased with himself. “No kissing. No touching unless you ask. No penetrative sex.”

“Good.”

“I… I was also reading in the book that some people like pet names – titles – when they’re… you know.”

You laughed and looked down at your hands. They were clasped together on the desk in front of you. “You usually get around to that once you know you’re going to be playing with someone on a regular basis. Why?”

Roger shrugged and smiled sweetly. “I don’t know. I’m just curious what you’d call me.”

“I’ll have to think about that one. See what you’re like when you’re needy and begging,” you purred.

“I can’t wait,” he sighed. “When do you want to… you know?”

Your insides contracted at the thought. ‘It’s too soon,’ your brain screamed. ‘He’s not ready. You’re not ready!’ But the burn between your thighs told you otherwise. Your heart did too, fluttering inside your ribs like a caged animal dying to be set free. “Tomorrow night sound ok?” you blurted.

Roger’s eyes brightened, lighting up even in the corner of the dingy little shop he found himself visiting. “That sounds great.” He went quiet for a moment, poking his tongue against the inside of his cheek. “What will I wear?”

“Well, you’ll be naked for most of it. It won’t matter much. Wear whatever you think will be comfortable.”

“Are we going to Doxy?”

“No, it’s probably better to start off at either your place or mine,” you explained. “Just in case things take a bad turn and you drop really badly.”

“Drop?”

“Sub drop, sorry. Sometimes if you’ve had quite an intense session, you might feel a bit sad or depressed. So it’s always a good idea to be somewhere where you can have some food, a nap, a bath, hugs. Whatever you need to get yourself feeling a bit better.”

“That makes sense,” Roger said. “I can come to you if you want?”

“Perfect. Just make sure you don’t drive to mine. I’d get a taxi there and back, but if you’re feeling shaky afterwards, you can stay the night. I have a spare room.”

“What time?”

“Eight sound alright?”

“It’s a date.”

Nerves paralysed you all day as you waited for eight o’clock to roll around – and for your playdate with Roger. 

You toyed with the idea of cancelling. 

You poked at the thought of feigning food poisoning or the sniffles. 

And briefly entertained the notion, after spending two hours in the bath, of staying in your pyjamas for the whole session – why make the effort if you weren’t going to have sex?

But one phone call to Andie was enough to coax you into the right headspace. As much as you hated her for it.

“But I just don’t feel sexy!” you whined, rifling through your lingerie drawer. “I barely know him.”

“Well, you’ve got enough in that bloody wardrobe of yours to make yourself look sexy, don’t you? Fake it ’til you make it,” she said bluntly. “And besides, maybe this is what you need.”

“What?”

“A very attractive man that clearly wants you but can’t have you. Might do wonders for your confidence.”

You huffed, pulling out a bralette and a pair of silk french knickers.

“He’s a dish. And if you want, I’d be more than happy to take him off your hands.”

“Not necessary,” you said, shuffling out of your bathrobe. “I think I can manage.”

Andie perked up. “So what’s on the cards for tonight, then?”

Using one hand to put your knickers on was a bad idea, so you stuck the phone receiver in the crook of your neck. “What was that?”

“What are you going to do to poor princess Roger?”

“I reckon I’m gonna…” you paused, slipping on your bralette. “I think I’ll start slow. Maybe with a massage or something and work my way up.” Imagining what he’d sound like when he begged slapped a smile on to your face. “I think I’ll edge him until he’s absolutely desperate to get off and then…”

“And then what?” Andie purred.

“I’m going to let him. Over and over. And if he whines, I’ll ask him if he’d rather be belted.”

“You big softie! He’s already turned you to mush.”

“I don’t want to scare him off! And besides, I don’t want to hurt him. I think he’s still a bit hung up on what his ex did to him.”

“Listen to me, you’re going to be just fine. He’s definitely comfortable around you, and that’s the hardest part.”

“Thanks, Andie.”

“And I want details tomorrow morning!”

“I’ll call you first thing. Promise.”

“Alright, darling, I’ll speak to you in the morning.”

Perched on the end of your bed in your underwear, you assessed your reflection in the mirror just in case you had forgotten even the slightest small detail. Your hair was perfectly styled. Your make up was pristine. But you still lacked something. You just couldn’t put your finger on what.

Then the panic came back.

You had made such a big deal about separating all of this from feelings and sex and relationships, and now you found yourself worrying about what Roger might make of your appearance as if you merely existed to appeal to him. A simmering, self-directed rage got the better of you and forced you out of your bedroom in search of another unconstructive way to channel your nerves. 

You found that in your drinks cupboard inside a bottle of vodka. Half measures weren’t something you did. You took the bottle and a glass back to your room, pouring yourself more than you needed as you walked. Only then did it strike you how much your hands shook. And what was missing.

At the end of your hall, a pair of stockings lay stretched across the rungs of your clothes horse with the rest of your laundry. Sinking the entire glass of vodka, a tiny lightbulb pinged to life above your head as you downed the last drop. 

That’s what was missing. 

The caress of nylon on your legs never failed to make you feel like nothing short of a goddess.

You scurried back into your bedroom on unsteady legs and tugged open your lingerie drawer again. Then you plucked out another pair of stockings and a garter belt. You shuffled out of your knickers and slipped on the newest additions to your outfit.

Much better.

You weren’t sure whether your newfound serenity was down to a simple pair of nylons or the triple vodka working its magic, but you felt ready to put Roger through his paces.

Until your brain interjected. Rude.

Were you going to play with him in your bedroom or the spare room?

You huffed, balling up your fists and resting them on your hips. Weighing up the pros and cons of both your options. 

Play here and you wouldn’t have to waste time moving anything into the spare room. 

Play there and you wouldn’t run the risk of having a sleepy Roger in your bed. After all, he was almost a stranger, and you most certainly did not have feelings for him.

You definitely didn’t like him in that way.

Or at least that’s what you told yourself, yanking open your drawer full of kinks. You knew exactly what you were looking for and quickly bundled the accessories into your arms, piling them high until you couldn’t carry any more. And then, you wandered through to the spare room.

You thanked your lucky stars that the bed was perpetually made, usually for drunk friends or when your parents came to visit. The idea of torturing one of the most sought after rockstars in the same bed that your parents occasionally slept in made you shudder. And it just wouldn’t leave your head.

Until the door buzzer pierced through your flat.

“Fuck.”

His voice was so bright when it sounded over the line: “Hi, it’s Roger!

“Come on up.”

As soon as you put the receiver down, you hurried back into the spare room to lay out everything you needed within reach. Your hands went back to trembling and your heart went back to racing. You could hear the rush of blood in your ears above the sound of yourself listing your accoutrements aloud. “Cuffs. Paddle. Lube. Oil.” 

Before you knew it, Roger was at your door, giving it three sharp knocks that forced your soul from your body for a few seconds. You almost didn’t make it to the hall. Apprehension stiffened all the muscles in your legs. Even cracking the door open was a chore.

But all of that subsided when you saw Roger pacing in the landing. The first thing you noticed was how his hands clung to the collar of his coat in a white-knuckled grasp. And then the coy smile on his lips when he spoke. The way he stopped dead, but couldn’t look you in the eye. “You look nice.”

It took every ounce of restraint you had not to giggle like a giddy schoolgirl. Instead, you smiled back and stepped aside. “Come on in and make yourself at home.”

For a split second, a bolt of electricity surged through you. The fleeting graze of his coat against your arm. The heady scent of his aftershave. How he ruffled his soft blonde hair as he stood idly and awkwardly in your hall.

All you could manage was a feeble, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m not going to lie, I might have had a shot of whisky before I came here.”

“I’m not going to lie, there’s a bottle of vodka sitting on my bedside table,” you laughed. “You’re still sober enough to go through with this, aren’t you?”

“It was just a shot,” Roger said, “don’t worry.”

“Ok,” you nodded. Without saying another word, you wandered over to Roger and unfastened the buttons on his coat. 

His breathing hitched when you edged the heavy fabric down his arms, but he still couldn’t make eye contact with you. “Won’t be needing that,” he chuckled.

That dark-lashed gaze of yours went straight to his gut. “You won’t be needing any of it.”

“Right, yeah,” he said. “Will I… you know… take it all off?”

You arched an eyebrow, “Come through to the spare room first.” Grasping Roger’s hand, you led him through. As soon as he clapped eyes on everything laid out on the bed, his grip tightened. You turned to him to find his eyes widening. “You like the look of this?”

He gulped. Then he nodded.

“Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. I’m a bit out of practice myself. It’ll take us a bit of time to get into the swing of things.”

“Looks like you’re already in the swing of things,” he grinned. Before you could croak out a response, Roger was already undressed down to his underwear; red briefs with a growing tent in the middle.

“You look rather smug,” you said, feeling emboldened enough to drag your nails over his collarbones. “Lose the underwear.”

“Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be quite the slavedriver?” he grinned.

You shrugged, watching him hop out of them. “Because I am?”

“Good.”

“We’re going to start off really slow, though,” you explained, leading him over to the bed and sitting down next to him on the edge. “I’ll gradually ramp it up a bit but if you need me to drop back a bit, just say: ‘yellow.’ Got it?”

“Got it.”

“And if it gets too much–”

“Red.”

“Red. Good. And please remember to use them. I want you to enjoy this.”

“I will don’t worry,” he said, looking you square in the eye. His cheeks were already flushed.

Before any second thoughts could creep back into the space between you and Roger, you rose to your feet. “And please remember not to touch me unless I ask you to.”

“I have a feeling you’re not going to give me much of a chance to,” he quipped, nodding at the cuffs beside him.

“You’re awfully lippy tonight,” you smirked.

“You make it too easy.”

“Maybe I should leave the slow start and skip to the good stuff.”

“Maybe you should.”

“Or,” you began, stepping forward, “I could make you suffer. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Roger didn’t say a word, but he did keen into your touch as your nails clawed down his neck. With one hand on his chest, you didn’t have to use much force to get him to sink backwards. “On your front,” you instructed.

He complied, folding his arms underneath his chin. His calves hung over the edge of the bed, toes wiggling in anticipation.

You bent down close to Roger’s ear. “Good boy.” The sensation of your breath on his neck made him jump, but you noticed his eyes closing and a sweet smile forming. The damage Betsy had done was still visible across his muscles; a reminder to go gentle on him. You wandered around to his other side and grabbed the bottle massage oil lying beside him. Not caring to warm it up, you drizzled some on his spine. He winced, trying to roll on to his side, but his movements weren’t quick enough. He was pinned. Under you. Straddling his hips, you found yourself in prime position to manipulate him exactly as you wished. But first, all you wanted to do was explore him – every inch of him.

The join between his neck and shoulder was a familiar spot. His own hands wandered there all the time. But, for some reason, yours felt better, kneading out knots caused by years of non-stop touring. That, along with the soothing scent of lavender on his skin, turned him to putty in your hands.

He might have fallen asleep like that, too, had it not been for you shuffling lower along his thighs, placing yourself within easy reach of the rest of his back. Using every surface of your hands in slow, agonising waves. Up and out, stretching him until he groaned, overcome with sheer bliss.

“I thought this was all about pain,” he said.

You tugged your lower lip between your teeth. “As much as I’d like to smack that glorious bottom of yours, I think you probably deserve this a little bit more. How does it feel?”

“It feels amazing,” he hummed. “I’ll be a new man after this!”

Impatience almost got the better of you the lower down on Roger’s body that you moved. So much so that you had to bypass his bottom altogether to keep yourself on an even keel. As much as you were dying to see him squirm and hear him beg, the buildup was even more critical. So you slipped off the bed and focused on Roger’s legs instead. Soft yet slender in your hands, you worked more oil up his calves and settled on the backs of his knees. Your fingers moved like feathers over those sensitive spots, coaxing a strained whine from Roger as he tried to squirm away from your touch. “If you don’t lie still, I’m going to have to restrain you,” you warned.

The curves of Roger’s back quivered with a sharp intake of breath at those words. Then he relaxed again. But not for long. 

Moving up towards his thighs, you relished that unexpected softness. You weren’t massaging anymore; instead, you pressed the soft flesh, letting it pale underneath your fingertips. Roger’s thigh parted ever so slightly, granting access to the even more sensitive spots between them. His desire skyrocketed, arching his back when you clawed pink tracks up and down his skin.

“You’re getting needy, aren’t you?” you purred.

“Mmhm. Feels so good,” he said, swaying his hips.

“I bet it does.” A swift smack to Roger’s bottom had him rolling over on to his back. His cheeks were flushed and his breaths were cautious. He moved to cover his eyes with his arm but you quickly stopped him. “I want you to look at me.”

Roger’s jaw slackened but never once did his eyes leave you.

For all the effort you had put into loosening Roger up, his body tightened as you curled the fine hairs on his chest around your fingertips. Unable to even breathe, all Roger could do was lie beneath you, and watch.

And you took pleasure in observing his reaction. He adored your touch, you could see it in the way his pupils blew out every time he looked at you or the way his hips rolled up against yours. “I think I’m going to have to keep you still, Roggie,” you said, finally reaching his hips. You quietened down, lowering your voice to barely a whisper. “Would you like that?”

Roger looked like an angel – his beautiful thick eyelashes fluttered while his gaze shifted to you. The calloused pads on his fingers drummed against your stocking-clad thighs, unable to contain any patience he has left. “I think that would be a good idea,” he said with a contented smile.

“You’re smiling now, Roger. You won’t be later,” you said, removing yourself from him. Then you set about looping thick leather straps around his wrists.

His tongue poked out as he watched in awe, following every single one of your movements, binding him to the headboard. Removing all ability for him to get away from your onslaught. The delight in his smile grew when you straddled him again, just below his swollen, throbbing cock.

“Are you enjoying this?” you said, brushing your nails over his length, encouraging his hips to buck and roll into your grasp. 

Roger bit his lip and nodded, allowing himself to be carried away by the much-awaited contact.

A sharp slap to his thigh jolted him back to his senses. “Use your words.”

“Yes, I love it.”

You gave Roger a sly smirk as you reached for the bottle of lube beside him. With the bottle held high, you allowed beads of the clear liquid to drip down. The freezing cold lube colliding with his skin had him straining against the cuffs, but he soon held still. One scalding hot glance from you made sure of that. 

Apparently, he was the rebellious one in Queen, but here he was, docile and pliable. Doing anything to have his balls drained. 

He wasn’t getting his balls drained that easily. 

You used one hand, slipping his length through your grasp. “Let’s lay down some ground rules about how this is going to go, shall we?” you began, punctuating that with another pass over his cock. “You’re not getting off until I say you can. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” he sighed, trying to bury the side of his face into the pillow.

You grabbed his jaw, forcing him to look at you. “And you’re going to look at me the whole time.”

His voice faltered, glancing down at your hand gathering pace. “Got it.”

“If you come without my permission, you will be punished.”

Roger gulped, casting an eye over to the soft leather paddle beside him. “Will it hurt?”

“Depends on how naughty you are.”

“I promise I’ll be good,” he sighed. “Promise.”

You loomed over Roger, your noses practically touching. “And if you’re good, you’re going to get a little treat.”

“What kind of treat?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Oh god,” he whined just as your free hand joined the party, circling the swollen head of his cock. “I don’t think I’m gonna last long.”

“Well, you had better start begging.”

A laugh rose in Roger’s chest and he did his best a suppressing it enough to strangle out a feeble, “please.” As if that would convince you that he really did need release. 

“I think you’ve got a little bit longer in you,” you said, finding your rhythm. The slick sounds of those smooth, purposeful motions, coupled with Roger lying underneath you, his lips slightly parted as he looked up with you made the heat between your thighs grow. You really wanted him there and then. 

But this wasn’t about you. 

And Roger was fast reaching the end of his rope. 

You swore you had never seen his cheeks so red.

“Please, please please, I need to come!” he whined. “I’m so close! Oh, god, I’ll do anything.”

A dull ache throbbed in your wrists. But you were desperate to draw this out for as long as possible. It wasn’t what you planned, but it guaranteed your chance to push Roger almost to his limit. “Alright, Roggie, come for me.”

“R-really?” he stuttered.

“Come for me. Be a good boy for me.”

“Oh my god,” he grinned. His eyes closed. His hands grasped at the slats on the headboard. He was buckling up for wave after wave of pleasure to surge through him. 

Except the waves didn’t arrive.

Roger’s eyes shot open with a whine. “What the fuck?!” he squeaked. His mind was too blurry to register that you were in the middle of tugging off your underwear. 

Until your dripping wet cunt lingered just inches from his face.

“I just wasn’t convinced that you really wanted to come.”

“Well, I fucking did!” He was testing you. He had to be.

“Oh, really?” Your patience had worn thin. In one swift movement, you turned and plonked yourself down on Roger’s waiting mouth. “Well, fucking prove it. Show me how much you want it.”

Roger wasted no time allowing his tongue to explore every inch of you that his restraints allowed him to reach. He wasn’t even sure if he could get you off like this, but he’d be damned if he didn’t give it his best shot. After all, he was desperate to avoid another ruined orgasm. Ravenous, in fact; sucking and licking at your folds before turning his attention to your clit for a brief moment. And he was sure to let you know just how grateful he was to get to taste you. Every satisfied hum shot through your body, making your hips kick into motion on top of him.

“Finally a good use for that tongue of yours,” you remarked. Leaning forward, you began jacking Roger off again. “Let’s see if you deserve to come this time.”

He sighed against you. He wasn’t about to let another orgasm slip through your fingertips. He had to let you know he wanted it. Eagerly, desperately, his tongue swirled over your clit, gathering its own feverish pace.

Now you started to realise what all the fuss over Roger was about. You had never heard him be so quiet since you met him, and for good reason. He was an expert with his tongue both in an out of the bedroom. 

But you were so fixated on that intoxicating feeling that you neglected your own duties. You looked down to find that your hand was no longer moving along his desperate looking shaft; just idly palming at it. He wasn’t going anywhere with that action.

So you made a conscious effort. Fighting against Roger, you got to work to bring him right to the brink of release. To the point where his moans made you squirm, and the muscles in his thighs tightened again. “Do you want to come for me, Roggie?” you moaned, grinding your cunt against his mouth.

He couldn’t speak. Of course he couldn’t. But that didn’t stop him trying to whine an almost convincing ‘please’ between circling your clit with precision.

“Come on, Roggie, come for me. Come for me,” you urged, grinding your hips with more urgency. 

Just when you were about to allow it, Roger’s attempts at pleasing you stilled. 

Just when he was about to get off, you let go. 

You leaned back and rode Roger’s face. “I didn’t tell you to stop,” you scolded. “Keep going,” you urged. 

Begrudgingly, Roger’s tongue darted over your clit again with the same steady pace in just enough time to stop you from coming down completely. But he made his impatience obvious, angling his hips to lure your attention back to his cock. 

You weren’t going to bow to the pressure right away. 

Why should you? 

When he was this keen to please you, you were hellbent on letting him. 

The sea of pleasure inside you raged. Keeping your balance fast became a chore. You gripped the headboard behind you for dear life, drawing your weight backwards. “God, you’re so good, Roger,” you gasped. “That fucking mouth!” 

Roger moaned against you as you rode his face. He relished this as much as you did. He found himself absolutely addicted to your scent and the sounds you made. The way you moved. 

Hunching over, you gripped Roger’s thighs as your own stiffened on either side of his face. Immobilised by the most intense, soaring bliss you had ever experienced, you were certain you were going to see stars after this. It felt like your body had shut down as it welcomed the electricity that pulsed through you.

Coming down, you were met by the sound of Roger trying to urge you off of him. You didn’t even know how long you had been out for. And here he was just dying to get off. 

How selfish of you to neglect your new little plaything. 

Sitting up straight, still straddling Roger’s face, you inhaled a deep breath in an attempt to gather your composure. Every muscle in your body felt like liquid as you moved, turning yourself around to get a good look at him. 

He looked pleased with himself. His sickeningly pretty features were scarlet and glistened with sweat and arousal and all you wanted to do was kiss him. Just a little taste.

But you couldn’t. Feelings were out of the question.

“I think you really deserve to come, Roger, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he sighed with a soft expression.

“I think you deserve a really, really big reward for being such a good boy,” you teased, swiping your thumb along his lower lip. 

“I do. Thank you.”

Your free hand crept down to Roger’s cock again. Still hard and throbbing. “And you know that I only want to make you feel really really good?” No holds barred.

“Mmmhm.”

“Good boy,” you praised. 

Even hearing that made Roger’s muscles twitch. “You’re not gonna do that to me again, are you?” he asked, squeezing his eyes shut. Bracing himself for disappointment.

“No, darling,” you soothed, “you can come as much as you like now. Any time you like.”

Roger must have sensed the change in your tone when you spoke, because as soon as you gave him permission, his whole body shook and the only words he could manage was a strangled, “thank you!”

He came down quickly; most men did. But what struck him when the fog in his head cleared was that you weren’t done with him just yet – even though he had to crane his neck to see you at the foot of the bed with your tongue gliding over the shaft of his cock.

“Oh fuck,” he sighed, throwing his head back.

“You didn’t think it’d be over that soon, did you? That would’ve been disappointing.”

“No! Just… just be careful!”

You couldn’t resist. You had to make him suffer even just a tiny bit. So, with a devilish smirk, you swirled an excruciatingly slow lap around the tip of his cock, savouring the last drops of cum that glazed it. 

Roger hissed, but his hips told a different story – bucking wildly in time to your efforts. Pressing his cock into your mouth. “Fuck,” he cursed again. 

With one hand, along with your mouth, you settled into another determined rhythm. Your hand worked his shaft, while your tongue tackled just the tip. Roger had surpassed the initial pain and was back to gazing down at you in awe. His teeth clenched together. His wrists tugging at their binds. But the sheer girth of his cock meant that it was only a matter of minutes before a dull ache seeped into your jaw if you so much as attempted to take any more of him in your mouth. 

And it would take longer this time around for him to come. 

Then you spied the bottle of lube nestled against Roger’s hip. The jewel in the crown of your new master plan.

Roger’s cock left your mouth with a pop, just long enough to check in with him before you proceeded. After all, his legs were still wild and free; you didn’t want to risk being kicked in the face. Some men didn’t take well to what you were about to do. “Do you trust me?” you asked, gazing up at him with wild eyes.

“Not gonna lie,” he puffed, “after all of this, I’m starting to have trust issues.” The broad smile he shot you told you he was joking.

You reached for the lube with your free hand and kept your sights trained on him. “I need to hear you say it though. I can’t make you feel really really good if I don’t think your heart’s in it.” He couldn’t see what you were doing, but he did strain to see what the suspicious click was when you opened the bottle and squeezed some lube on to your fingertips. 

“I trust you.”

“Good,” you said, bringing your lips down on to the head of his cock again. Concealing what your free hand was preparing to do. 

When Roger was safely duped into believing that your intentions were genuinely pure, you pressed a finger to his backdoor, massaging his tight, sensitive ring. At the same time, your tongue continued to flutter over the head of his cock. The new sensation had him mewling in delight. You never expected that reaction from him. Even the way he rolled his hips for leverage against your finger. Slowly you eased it inside him, right up to the knuckle. Then you curled it in on itself, seeking out his sweet spot.

“Fuck,” he purred. 

“Feel good?” you asked.

“Better than I thought, god.”

You slipped a second finger inside him, applying just the right amount of pressure for his breathing to labour. Now was the time to take things up a notch. To put on a show for him. Taking as much of Roger’s cock as you could in your mouth, you made a point of making as much noise and as much mess as you could. Your spit made his cock glisten and pass through your lips just that little bit easier. Sometimes it overshot and caught the back of your throat. He seemed to love it when your mascara started to run. 

“I-I think I’m gonna come again,” he groaned. He was beginning to tense up again; everywhere, including around your fingers.

You gave a pleased moan in response, not wanting to let up too soon. 

“Oh, I’m definitely gonna–“

That orgasm had already rolled into another, not allowing Roger any letup. Your hand and your mouth were missing from his cock, but your fingers still pressed up against that one magic spot inside him. His legs continued to spasm alongside your efforts. 

“Got another one in the tank for me?” you grinned.

“I think so,” he gasped.

“I’m gonna take these cuffs off you, Roggie,” you said, scrambling to your knees, fingers still working towards one final explosion of pleasure. “You ready?”

He nodded profusely. “Please.”

With one hand still preoccupied inside Roger, you stretched over him. You swore you felt the tip of his nose caress your chest. Your other hand unbuckled each cuff around his wrists, and, with him being the obedient little submissive he was showing himself to be, his hands didn’t go straight to your waist or your thighs. Instead, they draped delicately above his head with his elegant hands clenching into bony fists.

You stroked his matted, sweat-soaked hair. “One more, darling,” you soothed.

Roger nodded. “One more.”

“Touch yourself for me,” you said, moving backwards to get a better view. 

Roger groaned as his fingers tentatively wrapped around his semi-hard cock.

“That’s it. You look so pretty like this.”

“Fuck,” he whined. The fingers on his other hand raked through his hair, tugging at the roots to get a handle on the stinging sensitivity between his thighs. 

“You can go a little bit faster for me, can’t you?”

“Yes.” He could, but he had to force it. He gritted his teeth and moved his hand quicker, with more purpose. In the back of his mind, he was sure his cock would never work again after this. Certain he never wanted to come again. And he definitely didn’t have enough energy left inside him to coax out another orgasm. But he still wanted to hear you praise him, to tell him how good he looked, jacking himself off right there in front of you. His whole body trembled, and his skin was saturated with sweat. 

“You’re so beautiful Roggie.”

His hand moved a little bit faster. “Thank you.”

Your free hand trailed up his chest towards his neck. “You love coming for me, don’t you?”

Faster still. “Yes.”

You gave it a slight squeeze. Enough to quieten his moans for a moment. “And you love having that gorgeous arse of yours fucked while you do it?”

Even faster, ’til he could barely get the words out. “Mmm, I love it.”

You leaned in close to Roger’s ear. “Next time we do this,” you began, “it won’t be my fingers. I’m not going to go easy on you, Roggie. I’m going to put that tight little arse of yours through its paces and really make you squeal.”

NEXT >>

[juncottonluvbot]

Close isn't close enough

Baekhyun x reader

fluffy

A/N: Hello!! Thank you for liking my last writing, your feedback it’s what motivated me to write this! (though due to internet issues it took longer than needed…)

Baekhyun is a naturally cuddly person and that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with a little cuddling between friends right? That is if it weren’t for the butterflies in your stomach every time your best friend decides to cling to you like a koala for the next few hours. Everyone you’d told of your cuddling sessions to had told you that that’s not how friends usually act, “especially not friends of opposite genders”, but what do they know? You held hands with and hugged other friends too, not as much as with Baekhyun of course, but that’s just because he is your best friend. Of course, you had come to think there was something more to your relationship with Baekhyun some time ago, there was just something about how he had carefully taken off your shoes and socks, then your outer layers of clothing one day after you had a particularly tough week and couldn’t even think for yourself, you can still remember his gentle nudging towards the bathroom and the sound of his light giggles as he said that the door was as far as he’d get you, the two of you also cuddled that day, though it was far more intimate than usual, but maybe it was just the setting of you both in your bed and your wet hair against the pillow that made it different for you. There was also Baekhyuns slight protective nature towards you, usually disguised as a joke on your tiny age difference but sometimes with a more serious tone and calls for you to take care of yourself better, along with some heart filling commentary of things like “no one can hurt my (y/n), ok? Not even you, so you need to stop being so naive, I can’t protect you all the time”. A while ago you had managed to convince yourself that he liked you back, there seemed to be enough evidence so maybe he was just afraid you didn’t feel the same, right? So you decided to do the confessing yourself, nothing wrong with that, Baekhyun was known for crushing on more confident women anyways, so why not? But when you finished revising your speech, just to discard it completely and choose to speak from your heart, seeing as the speech you’d written was cheesy at best and demanding Baekhyuns liking at worse, you decided to pick up your phone to mess around a little bit before going to bed, planning on confessing the day after. The first post you saw as you opened Instagram was enough to delude you completely, the picture was of Baekhyun and a girl faces close together and a cute caption, “Just out and about with the girlfriend”. Girlfriend? People who are dating most certainly don’t have crushes on their best friends and so you were back to square one, even worse, it was like you were in the negative numbers now. Before he was dating you and Baekhyun saw each other every day, you hung out alone at least once a week, you cuddled and occasionally walked on the streets close to each other relishing in the heat it brought you. Now you’d stopped hanging out alone, you only saw each other in passing, hung out only when other friends were there and even then, your were now keeps at a distance, Baekhyun no longer sat beside you and helped you pick out what to eat, “Christ (y/n), how do you choose what to wear every morning, you just can’t make decisions”, or walk in the back of your friend group complaining about how slow you walk as you attempt to explain to him how not everything needs to be fast in life, “you’re full of excuses, it’s okay to admit you just never step foot in a gym, y’ know?”, you also didn’t get cuddles anymore. Truthfully none of that really bothered you per se, what bothered you was the implication that Baekhyun didn’t see you the way you see him, obviously he’d stop being so close to you when he got a girlfriend, but you’d just hoped things would have played out differently, that may be the girlfriend would be you. You were not the type of person to be let down for long though so you just adjusted yourself to the situation, started hanging out more with your other friends. Still, it was not the same as with you and Baekhyuns friendship, and pretty much moved on with your life, but it wouldn’t be a lie to say the cuddles were missed. Baekhyun and his girlfriend soon broke up though, the relationship had lasted only two months. Though he never truly told you the reason, he did show up at your door the day it happened, breathing heavily as if he ran to get there, looking not sad but just confused, spending the rest of the night cuddling you on the couch as you watched several movies. That day had felt so right in your head it hurt, the way Baekhyuns body felt so close to yours, the soft breath he let out when your fingers first ran through his hair, it was as if the habit had never died in the first place. None of what you felt was real though, no matter how loved you felt in his arms or how much your heart raced, Baekhyun didn’t feel the same. It was a couple of weeks after you and he had returned to your normal state of friendship that you realized you had to move on, it’s just silly to continue to cling on to hope that Baekhyun will start liking you at some point when very clearly he had no problem dating other people. That’s why last week you went on a date with someone and today you’d be going to the second date with the same someone, granted you couldn’t say you had feelings for the guy yet but you were sure they would develop soon. The guy was nice, kind, funny and, most importantly, clearly had an interest for you, that’s exactly what you need right now. You were just putting on a necklace when your doorbell rang, thinking your date was already here, a surprise since the man was late for the first one, you were in a hurry to finish up and get the door. But in opening the door you saw the person in front of you was Baekhyun, not your date. “Baek I’m sorry but I can’t hang out right now, I have a date and he will be here any moment now" He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, looking at you with determination flooding his eyes. “That’s why I’m here, don´t go on a date with him, go out with me instead” “Baekhyun we can hang out another time, come on! What will my date think if you’re here when he comes to pick me up?” “(Y/n)! I’m not here to hang out with you, I’m suggesting we go on a date!” It was almost like your head had started spinning, you felt light-headed at his words, Byun Baekhyun doesn’t like you, right? Then why is he at your door asking you out on a date… “Look, it’s not like I was stalking you or something… See I even brought some chocolates for you, well I was hoping we’d end up sharing them but I don’t think that will happen considering you look like you’re about to reject me…” He scratches the back of his head awkwardly, his other arm holding out a heart-shaped box of chocolates to you. “How long?” You shake your head in disbelief, “How long have you liked me?” “I guess when we met I had a huge crush on you, you had no idea…” He looks at his feet, thoughtful, “But at some point, I resigned to being just a friend, but now I realized how I never once told you about it, my crush that turned into liking…” He meets eyes with you for a moment, eyebrows tensed in question, “You never asked me how my last relationship ended…” “How?” You say in a tiny voice, almost afraid speaking loudly will ruin the moment, wake you up from this dream. “I had been feeling sad, not like myself for a while, I didn’t know why, but my ex did” He lets out a breath, “When she asked if it was because of you since I distanced myself out of respect for her and I couldn’t deny it” He now moved weirdly in his feet, looking at both sides of the door to your place. “So… Do you feel the same? I don’t think things will go great for us if your date catches me at your door…holding a heart-shaped chocolate box…” “Well then, good thing he won’t be coming anymore. I have a feeling I found a better date” You say as you begin typing out a quick sorry message, only to realize you had already received a message canceling the date. You didn’t feel sad about the missed date though, looking at Baekhyun you could only think about the number of cuddles that you have to look forward to in the future.

[rochey1010]

PART 3:

Ok, so this is about Eliott and the link between S5 and S6. Like Eliott out of everyone was crafted in this season so damn well. And yeah his arc in S6 was plotted here but it's the whole character. And it goes back to his S3 debut. France has remained so damn consistent with this character. Nothing is forced or out of place. It's a natural flow to this point now, and probably what is to come.

So just before i jump into S5. What do we know of the Eliott character? So we meet him in S3 and he's beautiful, like out of someones league beautiful. And he's mysterious, and has a loner vibe but from the trailer looks troubled. The trailer shows so much that will crop up again throughout the show in regards to Eliott. He enters the school with a prison atmosphere (just left one or is about to enter one). He quickly walks through, hurried, not wanting to make an imprint, hiding in his environment with the 'catch me if you can' vulnerable hoodie up style. Everyone notices him but he notices no one. He just wants to get this over with (same cycle different environment). The people either know him (Imane) are attracted to him (Alexia) or intrigued by the new guy (Emma). So he walks down the corridor and bumps into a very important person. That is Lucas and it's the first inkling from Eliott that something has penetrated his bleak dark world. The first hint of the light/dark motifs that S3 would be centered around. Before we know it's even a concept POLARIS is everywhere.

Eliott does something that i love. He stops, but doesn't turn around just yet, Maxence plays it like he's taking something in and waking up. And then he turns and looks, and we get everything in that look to Lucas. You feel his intrigue, attraction, fixation, awe of this unknown guy. That this guy has shook his world. And then he does something else i love. This tiny wry smile appears for like a milisecond, and then he looks him up and down signalling to the audience that we're in for a hell of a ride, and that Eliott is showing some playfullness towards Lucas. The hint that he's gonna pursue him. Then crucially he walks down the corridor to Colouring - In motion (range remix) awesome and reflective lyrics. Into the black, back into the dark he goes. And this is a direct contrast to Eliott and his world. Sees nobody but Lucas and is turned towards him looking, and then there's Lucas turned towards Eliott but oblivious and not looking.

So as the season goes on we see that he is all those things but so much more. He has a romantic, goofy, sweet and tender side, he's very vulnerable and fragile but he also has a darkness and it comes out as fear, anger, jealousy etc. He's the Even that we see snap at times e.g. class outburst, Chloe, Lucille.

And another thing is that he's the Even that gets developed off screen with the brilliant utilisation of his insta for mental/emotional state. It fits Eliott with the mystery, puzzles, metaphors and plot foreshadowing that takes us through the season. It's Eliott's journal and we're the therapists in a session with him. Each time he posts isn't fickle. Everything has meaning, everything connects and it's linked up so well onscreen. So we see Eliott onscreen but we see into Eliott offscreen. And that mental illness insight has continued and remains true to not only real life but who Eliott is.

We find out that he has so much fear. That it makes him hide in relationships and quite literally hide in the dark. That he created his magnum opus POLARIS that is all about fear and running from true connection. That has so much bipolar symbolism in it and that has Eliott settling in this dark world of MI. Because as any one who can identify with Eliott, sometimes there is a morbid comfort in staying stagnant and not reaching for something because deep down the light and happiness is something you don't deserve. It's horrible negative feelings of shame, embarassment, and self loathing that permeates. Anyone that struggles with their mental health will attest to this.

So he, facing this fear reaches for Lucas, and they fall in love. Eliott is chasing the light in Lucas that has made him want to enjoy life again. Then something horrible happens, Eliott is confronted with all his worst fears of himself being reinforced by the one he loves the most. Eliott being a crazy person that Lucas doesn't have time for. He's literally slapped in the face with his SKAM. And he's the Even that literally bleeds out right there on the screen. There's no mask which racoon Eliott is adept with it. He took it off and it shows how deep he was in with Lucas as he can't even pretend anymore. In that moment he is truly exposed and to this day it's heartbreaking to watch. He also does something that no other Even did either. He begins to ghost Lucas in this scene with the hair ruffle and that truly disappointed look when he's backing away. It's almost like a self resignation in himself like "well i was right, the light is not my world, and i shouldn't have been stupid enough to think this would have gone any other way" and he's truly disappointed and so damn heartbroken.

So he goes back to the ex thinking it's a clean break. But he realises he can't stop what he feels for lucas. So he pines on his insta, trying to reach out and trying to be honest but comes to the conclusion the only way to have lucas is to hide his darkness (bipolar). So they reconcile and are happy, and then it goes to absolute shit. He has a manic episode and the truth comes out. Eliott runs again back to the dark. Back to the comfort of his world. Doesn't expect anything, doesn't reach out because he has no hope that he can be loved with this defect, and just cries. 😭 in total despair. It's that level of self loathing that keeps cropping up rooted in his MI.

Lucas proves him wrong and saves him (this is crucial for Eliott's S6 arc) and he accepts him but now we see that Eliott still doesn't accept himself (S5, S6) minute par minute is a very important scene that is being revisited in S6 and will be crucial for Elu. Eliott wants to end the relationship, he sees no way it can work, and Lucas fights and gives him a perspective to hold onto.

Sorry i got into a S3 character study there. But i felt it was the only way to show how Eliott as a character has been built through the show and layered with so much depth but so much darkness. He's actually not only one of the darkest Even's but one of the darkest SKAM characters. And the reason i feel that, is because of the contradiction of the character. That he has such a postive sunshine aura and will smile at anyone and instantly bring a warmth. But yet has this deep well of struggle and pain that you can feel is there underneath that "I'm the happiest person in the world" energy. And you have to ask yourself how much of that is Eliott projecting to keep the demons at bay? As someone who can relate to MI. There is a level of exhaustion where you feel like you pep talk yourself on an almost daily basis. Quite literally you fake it untill you make it. And i just feel that Eliott is such a walking dichotomy between 2 extremes. That he perfectly represents the bipolarity of this character.

But rambling aside, so that's the Eliott we know and in S5 we kick off his arc with an insta post. He posts his new job 'new job, new school, same boyfriend' caption with a pic of the video club. Lucas follows it up with 'and soon, new appartment'. This tells us Eliott has not only started working but he's in Uni now and about to move in with Lucas. The video club is also dropping the hint that Eliott has found his new vocation within art. And that is movies. Now, what we know of Eliott is that he dabbled. He had many artsy interests. And we saw his love for not only movies (POLARIS) but he enjoyed literature (Virginia Woolf) and painting (Jackson Pollock) and he liked greek prose (Apollo and Hyacinth, Pygmalion). He had an affinity for artists who suffered with mental illness (pollock and Woolf both bipolar) and a true identity fixation with Woolf (mentally ill, bisexual and drowned through suicide) now that takes on a much more serious meaning with what Eliott revealed about suicide in S6. So he was an artsy hipster and he added graffiti and urbex too. A very talented and creative guy is our Eliott.

But considering POLARIS was how we were introduced to Eliott and that art side. We had to have known that his chosen field would have been movies, as it is now confirmed with his job, his uni project and his insta this season focusing on movies. How they add to the plot and how he's using them as inspiration for his project.

So it's setting him up to make a movie and to bring back something from his past that failed for him, and could have led to a spiral as we don't know how long after that all the Idriss stuff went down. All we know is that Idriss was there with him in the video interviewing him as he explained POLARIS. So the fallout must have been very soon after. And the failure of the movie on top of that must have been horrible for Eliott.

Lucas posts instas of him basically of him supporting eliott with this job and visiting him etc. So we see Eliott loves his job. And S6 shows us this more in depth.

The next we see of Eliott is a nightclub scene of new years and just basically the gang and elu happy, having fun and in love. It's just showing you for Eliott that he's come so far. Obviously we know what happens with Arthur so i won't get into that. Then there's the house warming and this is a crucial scene because Eliott has to explain something, and the audience is learning something. That this is the 2nd house warming and the 1st had to be cancelled. Eliott starts to explain himself and it's same feelings in regards to the mental illness again. Maxence plays it like Eliott is so fragile, that he's vulnerable and embarassed, and it oozes out of him. That Eliott finds it hard to go to that place where he has to talk about his mental illness. We see Eliott struggle to get the words out, look over towards Lucas, Lucas quietly reassures him and then steps in when he senses that it's too much. We see Eliott curl into Lucas in gratitude and like a child who needs comfort. And again it tells you that Eliott is very affected by his bipolar. That it's a huge effort for him to confront it and even talk about it. And now you see how it's such a focus in regards to power and agency over himself, the fear of not having it, how he can help others and how he frames it in his love with Lucas.

"And i have Lucas...i can't lose this"

That this is the crux of everything. That all the fears, insecurities, feelings are rooted in his SKAM. And we further see this explored as we begin to see the domestic scenes between Elu. How Eliott doesn't seem to be around the chaotic boygroup like the fanbase thought he would. And that's an issue because we have to admit to ourselves that we built Eliott up in a certain way, and we expected him to integrate with the gang, but the show naturally evolved Eliott the way the character is at his core. And that is why his spirit animal is a raccoon (curious, intelligent, friendly, mischievious, nocturnal, wild at heart, will lash out if threatened or cornered, wears a mask said to protect against night glare) basically Eliott is at heart a wild creature, that he goes off at night exploring, that he's chaotic in nature and a lone wolf. That he gravitates towards situations and behaviours that reflect his inner nature. That is who Eliott is.

So we see a lot of chaos and loudness in the boygroup centered in Elu's appartment in early S5. Lucas joins in and they scream over social media, and they literally hangout there all the time. After the party they stay the whole weekend, and Lucas does eventually say guys c'mon not tonight it's date night with Eliott. But you're shown basically that they do it alot. And probably more hangouts happened off screen. Crucially you're shown Eliott is not there joining in on the chaos. And in S5 the boygang were dialed up in energy and i don't think that's a coincidence at all. They were so much that even i felt over stimulated. Now like i said i do think this is important for Eliott and important to his arc. He told Lola that he needed something for himself in the urbex and that he needs to be by himself and breathe. I can attest that people who suffer from mental illness need to get the fuck away sometimes. That the mind becomes chaos and over stimulated and you need to recharge your batteries in a safe space. I believe, and i think S6 is showing this, that this is what happened with Eliott. That it was too much, and in his own love nest, so he left Lucas to do what he wanted with his beloved friends, never kicked up a fuss and just went and did his own thing e.g. urbex and otteli. That he found peace in this natural art environment channeling his raccoon and made it a safe space. And that now Lucas is shown hanging out a lot with the boygang and Eliott is otteli the extreme urbexer. I also believe that this may come up between them as part of minute par minute. That they may be letting things slide on both sides for fear of upsetting the other. In S6 Lucas was hanging out with the boygang sans Eliott and Eliott was alone and able to go help Lola at a crucial moment. Lucas is out of the loop as he was away and that caused conflict between Elu the next morning. I think all of this will finally come to a head in the following weeks.

At one point under all the fanbase jokes and memes about Eliott and Lucas being adoptive parents to these idiots. It start's getting serious, because we find out Eliott has been going through a depressive spell. And while all this shit was happening too. That he was probably going through one as far back as the house warming, and put a brave face on. That him waking up at 3pm was part of it or even a hint to Otteli urbexing. But they show you that the boys wake him up. That he's not part of the meeting but joins later.

And then another scene that sets up Otteli the raccoon urbexer. He brings the gang to an abandoned building. This is the confirmation of what the fanbase always suspected about Eliott. That he has an urban exploration hobby. With La Petite Ceinture it was debated that Eliott liked to explore the Parisian underbelly in S3 but it wasn't expanded on. Now we see it. And Eliott brings sprays and they graffiti and have fun. This sets up so many things e.g. urbex, otteli tag, street art and the expression of art as a seasonal theme focussed on Eliott. This clip is about Arthur but now looking back it's actually Eliott. It sets up his hobby, how he helps people using art, how specifically he expresses himself through art, his secret identity, and his passion for urbex. All in this little clip. To add he's already tagged the building, probably when he found it. He uploads graffiti insta art that day of him in practice. Once again it's positive art and it's a beautiful flower. And in S6 we see all this. Eliott as an artist is a direct contrast to Lola and when Lola expresses herself through art it reflects through damage and breakage, ugly and negative depressing photography. I believe this is a theme and we see it with Lola and Eliott. Eliott will use his art to help her and seeing how he expresses love and connection through art e.g. polaris, love mural, friendship mural, possible art we have yet to see. Lola will change her view of not only the world but of how she expresses herself artistically. I do believe that is a theme of S6.

Then Eliott goes away for a few weeks. Lucas is asked about him and he lets the audience know that Eliott is struggling with his mental illness and lucas can do nothing but love him and wait. The week after Eliott posts on insta a cuddle selfie with the caption 'spring of the senses' and a hedgehog emoji. This tells us that Eliott is out of his depressive spell, that he's grateful for Lucas and considers it a rebirth. Again we see that Eliott's MI is ongoing and doesn't just get fixed in this relationship. We see Lucas's maturity with Eliott's illness but we also see hints that this mental illness is a weight on the relationship. That Eliott has sorta hinged the love on his mental health. That there's a theme in S6 right now of Eliott trying to lead Lola out of the darkness that he once found himself in. That Eliott himself was led out of the darkness by Lucas but there are now issues of agency and capability. That he fixates on this sorta 'saviour complex' maybe, and it'll be something very important for his rock bottom moment. Maybe Eliott must face and save himself this time to bring his arc full circle.

There are little hints which i don't think are accidental for Elu in S5. One of them is Lucas being late to the laser tag. Now i must stress Lucas is never late. That's Eliott's department, and the fanbase picked up on it. And i think it was to hint at Elu issues. Also when Lucas has his outburst at Arthur on Valentines, and Arthur rips into him. If you look at Lucas you see that he goes to say something, like he's trying to explain something but stops and doesn't continue. And the way Axel plays it is like Lucas looks stressed and strained. Again i don't think that's an accident at all. There's issues at home clearly.

Then Eliott shows up for the holiday. And he rents and drives the van for the gang. We see Elu domestic and in love, and again a pattern, as once again in S6 they'll fight but make up being all cuddly again. We see it when Eliott posts a love declaration to Lucas 2 days after their big Idriss fight in S4, we see it in S6 when they fight and then post a couples selfie later on. And it's probably hinted at here. They fought in the background at some point and are now super in love. So the show is depicting that they'll argue and still love each other. But it's also depicting issues being pushed to the side so they can be in love again (love bubble).

Ok, so Eliott is super happy and bouncy sunshine just loving life and Lucas. At one point he falls in love with a bunny he names Fifi. Now we see this is a habit as he also fell in love with a chocolate labrador and tried to steal him in the past. So Eliott just responds to vulnerability with affection and adoption e.g. lab, fifi, taking lola under his wing. For all his demons we see Eliott has a lot to offer the world. He's just well meaning and cares. Lucas gives into his pleading which is cute and then Fifi is killed and Eliott is heartbroken. So we see he gets attached to things and he puts a lot into that attachment. And when it backfires it hurts. Now i don't know if this is true but someone from that group chat leaked that Eliott was supposed to have an episode but it was cut. If true it again highlights how stressors can make Eliott spiral and he may spiral again (S6) but again i don't know if that S5 spiral is true, so i'm not gonna go further into that.

So then there's the cheating conversation and Eliott gives his view and then answers Bas's question. He's aware of what he did to Lucille. He says he's not proud of it but he emphasises Lucas's importance to him. He does it again in S6 and he's hinged his mental health on it which is crucial. Again it's just Eliott being Eliott. A hipster view of humanity, and not really judging anybody in particular. Just a general statement of the human condition. I just feel it's Eliott wanting to see the better in everything and not label anyone specifically.

You do see though that oblivious nature to Eliott's perspective. Like he says this around Lucas who has huge abandonment issues. Now i must stress it's not Eliott's fault because Lucas shows with Arthur later on that he hasn't confided these fears in Eliott. So Eliott is kind of blind here. Like he's playing with Lucas's hair. He's not even talking about their relationship. So i feel bad for the attacks that happened on Eliott. But it sets up how Eliott being friends with Lola is going to lead to miscommunication and mistrust. And it's setting up when Lucas comes clean to Eliott about his fears how puzzled Eliott's going to be, how on another page Eliott is. And it's setting up Eliott finally declaring to Lucas himself how much he means to him.

Then as Lucas is talking to Arthur about Eliott, Eliott bursts in early in the morning super sunshine giving zero fucks cuddling and kissing Lucas. And it shows that divide right in front of Arthur. How Lucas is like all worried and stressed over Eliott straying and then a second later he's all loved up and happy and just pushes that shit to one side. Like Lucas literally turns it off and on in this scene. And Eliott has no idea his boyfriend feels like this. This is the definition of the love bubble. And look at how well Lucas's hides this. That scene shows it all. It also sets up Eliott having a friend in a girl (Lucas and pansexuality) and Lucas fearing that Eliott will find something better and leave Lucas, it sets up the movie spoiler and how Lucas will take it, and it sets up the abandonment issues coming to the forefront in S6. It sets up them both understanding just how much they've been afraid to share and it sets up them trying to keep the relationship in the honeymoon mode. They're basically afraid to be real.

Last we see of Eliott he is back in that building and partying and vibing being Eliott. He then paints another mural. This time it's a friendship mural. And cements Eliott's art being used as a theme for the season e.g. S3 love, S5 friendship, S6 connection (upcoming theory). He is used to wrap up Arthur's themes and motifs in his season (Arthur fixated on space and the cosmos and using his insta to reflect the vacumn and loneliness of being HOH) now Arthur is among this huge cosmos grounded through the connection of friendship. It sets up the completion of the gang being at the forefront of the show, it shows the importance of them in each others lives. But crucially it shows Eliott seperated from that. So it is here where we see that Eliott doesn't include himself in the mural. This is Eliott establishing himself as a lone wolf on the periphery of connection. That he also has a perspective because he's on the periphery of the group, which serves him in S6 and connects him to the story. That he's not insulated, so can navigate the bigger picture. Can see what the group can't. It also sets up no matter how deep the demons run in Eliott he can still see love, positivity and connection in the world. That he gives back through his art. So the friendship mural was a gift to the gang and because he loves Lucas and knows the place the gang have in Lucas's life. And he has never interferred in that, or felt threatened. We see how Lucas looks at him and the gratitute and love coming from him.

Then Lucas posts an insta of him and Eliott in front of the mural holding hands. We see that Lucas has brought Eliott into the mural to say you're important to me too. But we see that he's there through Lucas and not because he belongs there. We see that Eliott doesn't feel a place in this group. That he'll be at the big events but other than that Eliott may be yet to find his place, or it could just simply be that Eliott forms small connections and not big ones. And now in S6 with his friendship with Lola and what he said in the church about not being comfortable around people? I took that to mean large groups and i took it to mean Eliott expressing himself with his MI and largely being an introverted person, as introverted people can be drained by their environment.

Finally i just wanted to address what Maxence said in the recent interview about. "He's lonely" first of all i was sad because i feel deeply for Eliott, but i'm also trying to work out what this means. Does he mean Eliott's lonely right now, or always has been? Is it to do with Lucas spending a lot of time away from him and it's caused him to try to find a distraction of his own? Is it to do with his introverted nature? Is it to do with him wanting someone to understand him? Is this his arc, to accept that's it's ok to be alone and not feel shamed, or is it simply his mental illness making him feel out of step with everyone? I haven't worked it out yet as you can see all the questions. But i may do a seperate post on this at some point. But i do believe right now it adds to the S6 themes of insulation v isolation.

My final post will be about Eliott and Lola's friendship. Thanks for reading. 💜

[daggerzine]

Peter Milton Walsh of The Apartments offers a pocketful of sunshine...

Peter Milton Walsh started his, band, The Apartments, in Brisbane, Australia in 1978. He didn’t release his debut LP until 1985 (The Evening Visits...and Stays For Years). I didn’t hear the band until 1995 when Restless Records here in the U.S. released the terrific A Life Full of Farewells (in between was 1992′s Drift). The releases have been sporadic throughout the years (and there were several years in between when Walsh did create any music at all) but each one glistens with a special kind of magic that only Walsh seems to possess. Though 2020 has been a difficult year, to say the least, one of the bright spots was the release of a new Apartments’ record In And Out of The Light released on Talitres Records (through Riley Records). The record is classic Walsh, spare, gorgeous songs written as the sun goes down (or comes up) with love or loss as its main theme (in most cases). I sent Mr. Walsh some questions and he was more than happy to open up about the record and what’s next. 

Peter Milton Walsh photo by Belddyn Butcher, 2020

When did the songs start coming together for the new record?

 The plan was to record the album in a couple of weeks in September 2019 in Tours, which is about 2 hours South of Paris. Antoine has a studio there. Natasha would come down from Lille, Nick from London. Then I was moving over to Berlin to mix them with Victor Van Vugt, who now has a studio there. Vic produced the evening visits… back in 1985. (He went on to work with P J Harvey, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds etc.)  

 But the band wanted to hear the songs before September. So I started by making a couple of demos with a guy who lives just around the corner, Darren Cross. A great musician.

 Butterfly Kiss was one, Pocketful too. I sent Butterfly Kiss off to Natasha when she was in Lisbon, and she wrote back to say she’d listened to it over and over, ten times or more, walking at night by the Tagus river and that she fell in love with the song in Lisbon. I thought that was a good sign!

 I found that those two songs came alive in the process of recording the demos, so then I thought I don’t want to do any more demos, I just want to make an album. Now! The process made me impatient to begin the album.

So rather than wait till September, I found a place near where I live in Sydney, and approached the producer, Tim Kevin, telling him I had a couple of songs to start the album off with but that I wanted to try to write the rest of the songs as we went along.

 The earliest we could start was July, early days of Winter here, as Tim’s studio was very heavily booked.

 I have been writing songs since I was 15, and I’ve never really gotten any better at it. I still don’t know what’s happening exactly. But I thought, this will make the whole set of songs very fresh, very in the moment.

 This album will not be me trying to recapture the past, it will be me in the present moment, in the Winter of 2019.

 I had recorded the title track of No Song, No Spell, No Madrigal like that. All we had for NSNSNM was my piano part, Eliot’s bass and Gene’s drums. The rest of it I made up in the studio. Wayne kept asking me when we would finish the vocal part, because we were running out of time, and even though I didn’t have any idea what the finished lyrics would be I kept telling him it was OK—the song would start in the rain and end in the rain and across the course of the song the guy would be changed.

 I thought of the lyric like a voiceover in film noir—the guy reaches the end of the song and just knows he must change his life.

 And that’s how we went with In and Out of the Light. Each time I’d finish a new song, I’d think—I’ll never write another song again. But some time would pass—we were recording very sporadically—and something else would come up. We went on like that until we hit the magic number 8, and I thought—OK, that’s 8 songs that sit together well, don’t tempt fate. Stop now, start mixing the album.

 What was the recording process like, I’d read other musicians recorded parts in their own country?

 I would record some guitar or piano, a vocal, arrange the song, then upload it. Natasha, Antoine and Nick would then record things they thought might work and upload them for us, then Tim and I would select what we wanted and add it. It was very easy. In many ways, we were recording in the perfect way for the COVID era—though the COVID era had not yet begun. Sometimes I’d record 1 day in a week, sometimes more. Very short days. Usually home by six. All very unusual, but that was the situation because Tim was so heavily booked.

 The new record

 Had you worked with produce Tim Kevin before? What did he bring to the sessions?

 No. He’s got a fabulous ear, is a sensational guitar player and singer and has an epic, really impressive concentration span. Also, he was very open to the way I wanted to work—we’d had that discussion before committing to recording. So I could turn up, play him something, and ask if he saw some promise in what I had. And mostly he did.

 Did you have any hesitation about releasing a record in 2020?

 We finished mixing the day before lockdown hit Sydney, so that part of the timing was beautiful. Playing music, being in a band, touring, releasing records—this is a casino life anyway. If you can’t accept that things often don’t go to plan, you’re in the wrong line of work.

 We had a tour planned for September/October 2020, when the album was due for release. That had to be cancelled. We then had a bigger tour planned for February/March 2021—clubs, festivals, some big shows—and had to cancel that as well. I have no idea when we’ll be able to leave Australia—yesterday, the Australian Tourism minister announced that rising COVID cases in Europe and the US mean that Australians won’t be able to visit either of these places next year, unless a vaccine was invented.

  Where did the title come from, In and Out of the Light?

 Possibly two things occurred to me. Firstly, that on the days that I was recording, I would disappear from the high, bright Winter daylight into the lamplit darkness of the studio and that this too—moving in and out of the light—is the pattern of existence. We are constantly changing, and the conditions of our lives do as well. No feeling is final.

 For those of us who wish there were more Apartments records, why do the records come out so infrequently?

 The Apartments once had a good 4 year run—drift, A Life Full Of Farewells, fête foraine and apart then, for personal reasons, I turned away from the music world, and any kind of public life that goes with it.

 Will you be playing any shows (I know here some folks are beginning to do occasional backyard shows and others in other unique venues…drive in theatres, etc).

 That’s a great idea.

His previous record from 2015

 Who are some of your favorite current musicians/bands?

 If a song has fingerpicking, a certain kind of smoke or melancholy in the voice and maybe a major 7th, I’m a fool for it and always have been, always will be. With new music, I can be as fickle as the next person and I’m not a particularly organized person—so there’s no purpose or method in how songs get to me.

 It’s random, they seem to just float in. But here are some of the tracks that have seduced me recently, from my Soundcloud/Bandcamp/Spotify lists. I’m drawn to singles; if I love the album as well, that’s really magic.

 Lonny—Incandescente

https://soundcloud.com/lonny-sc/incandescente

 Mason Lindahl—Outside Laughing

https://tompkinssquare.bandcamp.com/track/outside-laughing

 Arlo Parks—Black Dog

https://open.spotify.com/track/1NGPZKzplieiPc5g6lAJ49?si=KYK_7EZLRkCK5PUjW0DeUA

 Ruby Haunt—Avalon

https://open.spotify.com/track/5rwKSB1WtNDWOBmwxZMWrg?si=uNxxyWjGRRuvYZrk5500oA

 Endless Winter—Angus Roy

https://angusroy.bandcamp.com/track/endless-winter

 Harkin—Decade

https://handmirror.bandcamp.com/track/decade

  www.theapartments-music.com 

www.talitres.com 

[namjoonchronicles]

s o f t  s k i n | jk

↳ notes Special thanks to @bloodyspell for the awesome fluffy moodboard she made (that has failed to convince her how cute it is, but it’s so fluffy) and @fangirlaholicxx for being the absolute best in everything she does. :)

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The clock is ticking. Jungkook hasn't confirmed yet if he was going to make it to the cinema. This is the second time he cancelled plans this week. He wasn't a bad planner, but his work had several run-ins nowadays, causing him to be overwhelmly over-occupied. He didn't even have time for himself, so you forgave him. You forgave him often.

Jungkook had initially taken a 10-minute nap that turned 2 hours.He was awaken by the sound of the water bottle rolling off the table and hitting the ground. He knew that he was exhausted, but as always, tried to forget the fact that he is human. He often chewed on more than he could swallow. It wasn't Jungkook if he didn't overdo anything. The man of many talents and skills. Stretching his arms towards the narrow ceiling of his studio, sitting in his gamer chair, he groaned and cracked his neck. His eyes felt droopy despite the nap. His shoulder and neck begin to sting, being strained for two hours straight. Jungkook loosened his jaws. Seems like he he had been sleeping with them clenched tight, every night nowadays.

He took a deep breath and slid down the chair to crawl on all fours where his phone was charging. For some reason, the charger only worked when it's on the floor. He was supposed to get a new one but he didn't have time. A solemn knock on his studio door made him jerk his head up and around. Namjoon poked his head through the gaps. "...the guide?" The tall dude with dimple cocked his head to the side and Jungkook took 5 nano seconds to decipher what he meant. Once it registered , Jungkook shot to his feet and scrambled for a USB he remembered putting on the table, creating a small rummaging sound. Namjoon casted his eyes down on the messy table and put out a fond smile, "You've been working hard..."

Jungkook finally grabbed the said USB and handed them to Namjoon before he even got to the senior producer. "Is the movie date, cancelled?" Namjoon asked with an absent-minded smile directed to Jungkook.

Oh shit.

Jungkook grabbed his jacket and sprinted out before sprinting back in to grab his phone, almost tripping on the circle mat on his way out. He didn't let it stop him. Namjoon was wise enough to keep himself out of his way.

"Jungkook...! The recording session begins as planned! In two hours!" Namjoon voice resonated through the hallways not as a scolding but as a reminder. He tips his head down after Jungkook flashed a frantic 'ok' sign with his fingers and disappear to the right.

"Relationships are tough," he paused and twisted his wedding ring finger, smiling, "I know." He blinked in the direction of where Jungkook headed once more and smiled again.

The sight he was about to shoot himself with, Jungkook had come unprepared.

There's hardly anyone outside the cinema. The movie had begun. One young lady sat on her own, accompanied by her iced mango milkshake, munching on ice chunks with a wandering pair of eyes, unsuspecting. You checked on your phone every once and awhile, for what Jungkook could guess, waiting on his replies or his calls. He felt his throat dry up from the thoughts in his head that died in his lips before he could even make up what it was. He expected disappointments from your side. And he hated himself for it. He had to face it.

The aura changed when he stepped in. His shadow casted over you and you turned around to see him. Guilt washed over his face and you wanted to take the frown away from him, and bring back that big smile you know he can give. The edges of your lips curled into a small, gentle, forgiving smile. You stood up and tug the middle of his black sweater towards you. He stumbles forward in uncertainty but loosen up when he felt you nuzzled your face into his clothed chest and took a deep breath in.

"We have to compromise, Kookie," you sounded like you were drifting into relaxation the moment he came and it eased him.

"...I miss your cologne, I imagined several times that you'd take the day off and give your girl a time to play..." you looked up at grazed your chin on the big Mastermind lettering on them and he returned a fidgeting sight, unsure of what to do.

As if you've read his mind, you went on to ran your hand from around his hips to his upper arm, down his wrist to collect his larger hands in yours and kissed its knuckles, thumbing his little nails while talking in whispers,

"...two whole days to make up for all the times loss," you suggested,

"we cook, we dance and we do all the things couples do. Are you in?"

Jungkook stares blankly at you, stunned for words that you didn't lash out on him like he imagined you would. You were never verbally offensive, hardly vulgar and he didn't know why he'd think you would throw chairs at him when he steps here but he somehow did. He nodded, slowly. Tugging his sleeve so he leans over, you whispered in his ear, against his piercings, "See you." He was granted a chaste kiss on the cheek before you ran off with your mango milkshake, walking backward, tilting your head to the side, grinning ear-to-ear. Jungkook stood there, watching you as if you'd dissipate into thin air if he blinked. Well aware that he has the studio recording in twenty minutes, and he might be straining his vile talent for it. But it will all be worth it. Because of the smile you gave when you heard him sing, it will all be worth it.

Intricate, is his soul. He kept speculating his initiation, his drive and his direction, forever worried about the things he did, what he should be doing, and how he does it.

And then he met you, a careless, carefree soul who seem to float when she walks, like butterfly. You were the picture he couldn't quite capture, a moment he'd like to relive everyday, the scent he couldn't quite describe, and the prayers he never stopped chanting, in the darkest of nights and the brightest of day. You stood between the thoughts in his head, and the words he said. The only thing his skin understood and are familiar with, in between this sheets. Occupying his head and his heart, becoming a permanent resident. He thought he was in quite deep.

Today, he fell even deeper.

Jungkook went silent for three days straight. And then,

A surprise text. From him.

"It's this weekend." Heart emojis, heart emojis, heart emojis.

Fast pair of sneakers speeding through the halls, bag strap around one shoulder, fluffy black hair bouncing with every lunge. Jungkook halted in front of your apartment, straightened his grey shirt, fixed his varsity jacket, took a deep breathe in with a lingering smile, wearing the cologne and tapped his knuckles on the main door.

"Who is it?" He heard you called.

"It's... it's me!" He said, shyly.

He likes how it sounded, he likes how he knows that you know him by his voice alone.

"Oh!" You gasped and yanked the door open, to jump into his arms, clasping your arms around him, pulling him into a rib-crushing hug.

"Please tell me you got the garlic," you gritted your teeth and smiled as you slowly unravel yourself from him. He returned the same expression with a little shake of his head.

"I got us some tortilla chips too," he giggled.

He handed you the bagged garlic and chips, before taking out his laptop.

"...if you do your work on our weekday, I will eat you," you warned him, placing the garlic on the chopping board. "I won't, you'll see..." he gurgled.

Setting the skillet on the stove, you heard the sparker click but no flames came out. "Am I running out of gas?" You talked to yourself. Jungkook snapped his head in your direction, worried. "Is everything alright?"

He asked, softly.

Jungkook was next to you in a second. His hand trailed to the gas hose and opened the lower shelves where your gas tanks were. Carefully, he turned the initiator off, and took them out. You watched him carry the otherwise heavy tank with one hand.

You both gave each other a look that spoke a million words.

In a minute, Jungkook had his phone against his ear, calling for a replacement tank to be sent in an hour, but because of the rainy season, no one was opt to work on the weekends. That means, no one is able to send you a new gas tank today. "Thank you so much though, sir. That's alright," his eyes followed you as you hoisted yourself up the kitchen counter, feet dangling several centimetres up from the floor. You hung your head low. Jungkook clicked the end call button, glanced over the garlic he bought, all the prepared materials and the cold skillet on the stove. The cabinet door left open and the empty gas tank by the doorway.

He gave you a lopsided dimple smile that you were oblivious to.

"Maybe we don't have to cook... let's have pizza instead," he suggested, moving towards you and settling himself between your knees and tucking your hair behind your ear. He leaned his face down to see yours, etching you to look ahead, whispering melodically, "It's not the end of the world, we can still have the movie, and we can dance while we wait for the pizza to arrive..." he cooed softly. You gave him a small nod and he kissed your pout by instinct. It's not the end of the world.

Jungkook carried you down with one arm and only let go when he felt your feet touch the ground, gently, and chivalrously.

Of course he had speed dial for pizza delivery. Although he had to explain the new address to the pizza store, he knew that it would be worth the wait. He leaned down to you when you tiptoed to reach his ear while he was ordering,

"Onion rings?" he mouthed at you and repeated the order to the person taking his call, "Yes, that will be a large pepperoni pizza, with extra cheese and cheese crust. Onion rings, cinnamon rolls and caramel sauce, chicken fingers with barbecue dips for sides. And one bottle of soda." He never looked away from you while ordering and you kept smiling encouraging him that he was doing a good job. "That will be all," Jungkook ended the call. The day didn't go as planned for the cooking part, but he promised there would always be next time.

To you, he didn't have to deliver those promises.

Just the idea of him wanting to do this again, was enough to rain confetti in your heart.

In this tiny apartment with no partition and one bathroom with no tub, he accompanied you to the laundry downstairs, took the clothes out the dryer, helping (more like, watching) you fold your clothes and arrange them into the basket while he assisted in carrying, wordlessly.

You talked on and on about your ordeals with some friends or foes; about your recent fued about time management with your mom and your dad's impossibly unhealthy diet while Jungkook followed you up the stairs. "And you know what he said to me?" You glanced over your shoulder at Jungkook who was carrying you folded laundry. You didn't wait for his reply and resumed in a clipped and what Jungkook thought was a funny impersonation of your father's voice, "I shall eat whatever I want because I'm old and don't have a lot of time to live."

You digged for your keys into your apartment, and held the door open for Jungkook to come in with your basket of clothes.

"Just place them next to bed couch, baby," you passed and shut the door with ease.

Jungkook's phone vibrates because the pizza store notifies him if their delivery man is close. You sat on the floor and pull out the bottom drawers first. Your lingeries, socks and panties go here.

Jungkook was digging the fridge for a quick soft drink hunt that ended with banana milk.

"You have banana milk!" He exclaimed from the kitchen.

"I bought it for you," you have moved on to the second last drawer to place your blouse and the jeans on the drawers above it.

Jungkook sat on the dining chair watching you.

"You're so organized," he passed, mumbling with his lips around the straws still.

"I tried, I cleaned up a bit, knowing you were coming," you smacked your lips together.

He put out a smile directed at your shoulder, taking the chance of your front turning away from him to let his expressions free, because he was too shy to show them openly to you. He could easily imagine having you as a wife. You were effortlessly gorgeous in his eyes, and he tells it often through the way he stares, that lingers longer than it should. He could be himself around you and he wants the world to know that you'll be with him. He wants to hurry up, get his money right, and spent 105 years with you, calling himself as your husband and the father to your children.

But his daydream was cut short by the knock by the door from the pizza delivery man.

Jungkook changed into simple tee and black shorts he purposely left at your apartment before he gets on the bed couch with you.

You have the pizza on the tiny table so it won't stain the sheets. Jungkook shut the lights readily, had the curtains drawn even though it was daylight. He had a Harry Potter movie marathon in mind, today. In sequence, all the way to the last movie. Munching on the pizza, his eyes glued to the screen while he laid in between your knees, his head rested on your chest, Jungkook directed  your free hand to play with his hair.

"His pyjamas remind me of the selca you sent me. The white one with black buttons," you talked in hushes.

"Which one?" Jungkook tilted his head to one side but never peeling his eyes away from the movie.

"You said you want to wake up next to me every morning, did you mean it?" you spoke to his hair and he shot his chin up so he could look at you from your jaw view. He nodded like a child and puckered his lips to fish for a kiss that you delivered without question.

Movie marathon continues.

He had one arm around your knee, head right underneath your chin still. You fed him tortilla chips and he munched them down. Even when he was still chewing the last one you gave him, he kept taking the ones you placed in front of his mouth which eventually made him choke. You wordlessly handed him the soda that he desperately chugged on. Followed by another half an hour of complete silence. When Hermione punched Draco, Jungkook chuckled through his nose.

"Which picture of mine did you use as lock screen?" Jungkook suddenly asked. "The one with the black tee on the hotel bed, with the pouty lips and coconut hair," you blinked to the screen.

"I took that one after you left my apartment," Jungkook sat up and switched places with you, so he could be the one you leaned against, but you settled next to him, hugging his arm and resting your head on his shoulder.

"I still don't get why Harry ended up with Ginny," you scowled. "Maybe because she sacrificed herself in Chamber of Secrets," Jungkook passed.

"She almost got Harry killed," you monotonously said. "You almost got me killed once," Jungkook snapped his head to your side.

Playfully, you slapped his thigh and he snickered. "Stop being dramatic... I just told you to get the thing in the microwave..." you mumbled.

"Yeah with the tin foil inside. There was smoke, even. The smoke detector went off," Jungkook talked to your hair, biting his smile at the end of it when you squeezed tighter to his side.

"I didn't know that aluminium foil can set the microwave on fire..." you mewled and rubbed the tip of your nose on his chest, sniffing him all over.

"I almost died," Jungkook looked away, his collar bone showing.

"I can never use a microwave my whole life, as a result from that traumatizing event, thanks to you," he kept biting his lips while you shrink to his side and giggled because you admit. Admit that it was your fault. He gets a panic rush everytime he hears the microwave beep now. Feels like its going to go off, anytime.

The movie marathon ended with Jungkook sleeping in a very corpse-like pose. You put away the tiny table and washed his hand with a wet tissue. The duvet is pulled up to his chin and you spent as long as you could to stare into his beautiful face before life takes over and take him away from you again. It wasn't long after that, that you drift into a well-deserved sleep. You slept better this time, with him around.

In the middle of the night, Jungkook realised that he had turned away from you and you were facing the other side too. He placed one arm around your waist, pulled you so your back was against him. He passed a sleepy kiss on your shoulder and spooned you till morning came. It was a well-spent day even though you spent the whole time indoors. It was nice to have each other around after a long time of being apart.

Because you could have sworn that everytime Jungkook steps outside your apartment, he was already too far away.

This addictive soul you chose to love, finds the world amusing and graced this land with his wondrous eyes, his keen intuition of wanting the people to see his perspective, his views of the universe. You almost always questioned how such a  young heart had such a decadent and old spirit when it comes to appreciating eveything around him.

How he took in every hurdle, every action, and his thirst for his musical ambition, and how it never waned off no matter how long it took.

That's how you knew that you would be lucky to know him.

It began with just wanting to understand, to being able to understand, and to be able to be a part of his dreams.

Not in a million years have you imagined to be able to have a man a great as this to love you. But his resilient nature, and how passionate he was, reeled you in like a magnetic field.

You were astonished by the fact that he waited patiently for you to order on that first date, putting your utmost thoughts in your choices.

You apologized that you took too long to decide and his replies was something you didn't expect coming from someone like him and his cold surface,

"It's okay. It means you are careful with your choices, and I'm lucky that I get to be the result of one of your thoughtful considerations."

And he said it with those crinkles in his eyes and soft voice.

He woke up before you did. The sunlight poked through the gaps. Your hair were messily gorgeous. He could hear the birds chirping faintly in the background. He leaned on his elbow and raked your bare shoulder with his eyes. He landed his lips on them after a quick thought and made loud kissing sounds, earning a small moan from you.

"Wakey, wakey sweetie. Jungkook wants to play,"

He sunk his teeth on your shoulder cap with a mischievous glint in his eyes and you smiled sleepily back, knowing that you're in for a delicious ride, in compensation of those hours away.

[ecmlol]

Jude sits quietly waiting for Noah to tell him what’s going on.

“ so what do you want to know”

“ you could have warn me Mark was a ex boyfriend.”

“ awww your messy jealous side is showing “ noah smiles.

“ not funny noah”

“ first he’s not a ex Dane. There really isn’t nothing to tell. It was New Years 5 years ago I was really drunk off my ass. This was just after my ex dying.i was morning he was the only guy at the party that likes men. You know what I don’t even remember what happened besides me kissing him .I’ll let Mark tell you everything else.”

“Noah no I believe you. you don’t have to..”

“No no you want to know what happened.“noah walks to the office door and opens it.

“ mark can you come here and tell him what happened that night I don’t remember. Much.”Noah say

Mark walks in and Noah walks out.

“ Noah !” Jude calls out.

Mark smiles and closes the door behind him.

He’s not bad looking. Jude thinks to himself about Everything that noah has said about smaller men comes back to him. Jude knows it’s just his insecurities talking.

Jude plays with his wedding bands.

Jude quietly sizes up the other man in the room. Jude is in his element he can play it cool.

Jude crosses his arms.

“ so you want know about our one night stand huh a couple of months ago.”mark say.

“Nice try . Noah is the most honest person I know and if he say it was 5 years ago then it was 5 year ago.”

“You passed the test. Noah deserves the best he’s a great catch. He doesn’t need a guy that doesn’t trust him. “

“So what did happen that night?”

Mark sits back and get comfortable like he is ready to spill his guts.

“ poor Noah he was so screwed up after his ex passed away. He was drunk off his ass that night. This was the first time we meet. He told me all about his ex of course.At first it was just talking and crying. Then kissing and I promise I tried everything to get him up. I did but nothing worked.He was way to drunk to do anything. So at the end of the night I turned into a giant teddy bear.”mark say with regrets in his voice.

“Thats it?”

“ yeah unless you want to hear about him apologizing for crying all over me. I really don’t think he remembers all the head I tried to give him.” Mark says.

Jude sits back and nods.

5 years is a long time . Jude thinks. He trust noah but can he trust Mark. No he can’t anyone that would try to have sex with someone that was blackout drunk is one step away from a rapist. That makes Jude uncomfortable

Mark gets up .

“ ok I have one question and we don’t ever have to talk about this again because it’s only embarrassing for noah.

“And what’s that?”

“He’s huge isn’t he because he’s impressive soft.”

Jude will never get use to how openly other gay men talk about sex with strangers.

Jude gives a nonchalant shrug as his reply. Wouldn’t you like to know.jude thought to himself

“ I guess I have been luck all the men I have dealt with have been what and what in size.” That was the best lie jude has told in a long time. Lucas and zero were around the same size but noah is definitely a bit longer and thicker. There was a adjustment period with Noah.

“Hey a guy can try”

Jude gets up and heads for the door.Noah is standing outside the door.

“ so every things good?”noah ask

“Fine” Jude say

Jude is pretty sure his face said something else.

“ o...k ..good” noah says in a uneasy tone.

Jude heads to the kitchen to lay out all the snacks on the counter.

“ want some help?”noah ask wanted to know what happened.

“ no I’ve got it you just keep playing.” jude say as he takes out the three crockpot that connects together to make three different hot dips. Jude bought it just for game days .

As the gamers settled in jude started the spinach dip then the chili cheese and lastly a pizza dip. Jude learned that Pinterest is his new best friend thanks to ofc Murray. Jude can hear someone commenting about him cooking in the middle of someone’s character getting hurt or something . Jude couldn’t figure out what was going on even if he cared and that is fine with him. Jude thought as he puts out bowls and chips. Jude took Noah’s corn nut dispenser out of the cabinet and set it out and then pours a bag of m&m into a bowl just for Noah.

Jude walks over and sits the corn nuts and m&m down on the TV tray next to noah. Of course noah is lost in the game. Which is fine by Jude he’s use to that. This is the only time noah doesn’t give jude his full attention.

Jude cleans up and heads to his office to read a nother pregnancy book. About a hour later the house starts to full with the smell of the cooking dips and the gamers arguing over a quick break.

A minute later there is a knock at the door and then noah walks in.

“ hey you busy?”

“ no no just reading and relaxing what’s up? Need more chips?”

Noah walks over and drapes himself over jude and kiss him hard.

Jude pulls away and smiles.

“ what’s that for?”

“ well alot of reasons”

“Like...?”

“One I love you two my friends are impressed by you three I’m kicking ass out there four you are seriously the best hostess with the mostess and your all mine!.”

Jude smiles and thinks to himself nailed it! Jude is slowly getting use to the idea that his husband actually has friends unlike zero who had no friend and no one liked.

“ oh ok that works” jude says with a smug smile.

Jude gives noah a quick kiss on the cheek and goes back to reading.

“ so you seemed weird out after your talk with Mark what’s wrong “

“ I know he’s your friend but he tried to take advantage of you when you were drunk noah. Just promise me you won’t drink around him.”

“ ok not a problem “

“ ok good glad your not going to fight with me about this”

Jude runs his hand down Noah’s back and then back up to his slightly longer then normal hair. Noah some how talked lionel into letting him grow his hair out a little and facial hair.Jude likes it.

“So what are you reading?”noah ask

“Just a book of baby names. Do you have any ideas.”

“ man are you trying to cancel game day.You are amazing “ noah kisses Jude’s neck.

Jude smiles and relaxes as noah keeps kissing his spot.

“What do you think of Noel. we can keep it biblical? Yes it a boys name but maybe we can keep it neutral like Lionel’s name.

“We are kinda a ironic couple I’m liking biblical and neutral. I also like Jeremiah “noah say

“ your still stuck on that name when I don’t like it”

“ yes I’d love to name her after you in some way. My favorite girl named after my favorite guy”noah says

“That’s sweet but what about naming her after you mom.”

“Jacquline? Pretty sure it’s not biblical or neutral .”

“We can make it neutral but the biblical part might have to go out

“ ok that is better then Judy or Judith or Jerry? So how do you want to change it up?

“Well we can shorten in to Jax could be her nickname it could be a homage to your mom and our first vacation together.we started off in Jacksonville aka Jax .or we can spell it Jaxuline. It would be different and make more sense when we call her Jax.”

“ it’s a little ghetto Jude. “

“ ok we can keep it traditional then if you want. I think your dads will like it.”

“ I know they would are you trying to earn brownie points with them?”

“ it can’t hurt” jude says

“Can we think about some more? we have plenty of time?”noah says

“Hey breaks over “ Mike says  through the door.

“ come on noah this is a shit break and a snack break not a quickie break”mark says

“ got to go my Dane. My people are calling me.”noah says as he gets up off of jude and heads for the door.

“ love you” noah says

“ love you too” jude say

Jude watched as noah walks away. He takes out his iPad and starts to make a list of names he likes.

The rest of the day goes by pretty quickly. Jude stocks up the kitchen counter one more time before heading to bed.

“ I’m heading to bed .I restocked to kitchen guy. Enjoy the rest of the night . Nice meeting you all.”

There are a few waves and grunts as Jude heads toward noah to give him a quick kiss. Jude leans over and kisses noah on the cheek.

“ oh hey”noah looks up from the game.

“Night”

“ oh yeah night.” Noah says

As Jude walks away a few of the gamers wish him a good night and gave him compliments on the dips.

In the morning jude wakes up alone. Jude can hear the gamers still at it down the hall. Jude rolls over and stretches. This wasn’t so bad jude thinks to himself.Jude actually has enjoyed the pass day. Staying at home getting some work done and having little make out session with Noah ever so often was nice.Maybe he could host every game day. It would make knowing Mark is around a little easier. If he does that he might make enemies with the rest of the gamers Significant others.Thats the last thing Jude wants.

Jude digs through his cloths and found the T-shirt that he wore at Disney with Noah and put it on with a pair of sweats and walks out of the bedroom after a pit stop in the master bathroom.

In the living room mike is packing up his bags and chairs.

“ morning” mikes says

“Hey. where’s everyone “Jude ask

“ everyone is outside loading up.”noah says

“ oh ok”jude looks around and sees everything is back in it place. A second later noah walks in.

Noah is looks around like he is looking for something.

“What’s wrong noah?”jude ask

Noah looks up and sees Jude .

“Oh hey. Just looking for jakes other shoe.”

Jude looks under the couch.

“ found it.” Jude shows noah the black slide he found under the couch.

“ perfect thanks Dane.”

“Hey I will send you a email about the benefits when I get home.”mike says as he heads to the door.

“ awesome I can’t wait. I’ll see If i can scrounge up so stuff with the players for auction. I’m sure someone needs a tax write off .”noah says

“ it is a good cause”Mike says

“ what’s the charity”

“ helping hands is a organization that raises money for Kids infected or affected with aides and hiv we help where the insurance doesn’t”Mike says

“ ok that’s awesome. What do you need for your auction? Devils tickets maybe a devilgirl appearance? A cash donation maybe?”Jude asked

“Wow Thank you anything you like to give is welcomed”

“ what about a booth at family day in a few days. “ Noah suggest

“ that’s a great suggestion is that too short of notice?”jude asked

“ no no I can figure something out . Thank you.”Mike says

“ no problem I’ll call the organizer and tell them to expect you”jude says.

Jude hands noah the shoe and he hands it’s to mike to give to Jake.

“ thanks you Jude and the house is great!” Mike says as he walks out.

Noah closes the door and turns to jude.

“ have fun?”jude ask

Noah walks over to jude so he can wraps his arms around Jude’s waist.

“Yes I won some and I lose some but I missed sleeping in bed with you.”Noah says as he kissing Jude’s cheek.

“ I missed you too.”jude smiles and rubs his hands up Noah’s arms

“ I know I peeked in on you last night. You slept on my side of the bed. “

Jude smiles and shrugs.

“So are you ready for family day and your birthday In a few days”

“ no I’m nervous about speaking to the whole arena”

“ maybe it won’t be packed.”

“ I doubt it there are some major venders and players meet and greets, devilgirls meet and greets and lots of games and raffles.”

“ it sounds like fun.”noah say

“ that was the aim”

“ you will be great ok ”noah say as he kisses down Jude’s neck

“Thanks ”jude says

“ you have been up all night do you really think your up for this?” Jude says as he walks backwards to the bedroom.

“ I know I’m not up for it but I was hoping you cuddle with me for a while alittle while because you missed me.”noah

“ I guess “ jude says with a smirk.

Jude stops once he’s against the bed . He steps to the side and moves behind noah.

“Hey where are you going” noah turns around to see where jude went.

Jude pushes noah on to the bed and starts to undress him.

“I’m putting you in bed.”

“ ok that works for me.”

Jude tosses his shirt and then his sweats and then pulls off Noah’s shorts.

“Go on get under the covers.

“ yes sir so have you figured out what my punishment is?”

“ well my backer would like to meet you but you can’t interview him.”

“ zero wants to meet me ?”

“ yes he does. I’m not happy about this and I’m not going . I don’t want to go” Jude say as he runs his hands over Noah’s chest

Jude frowns.

“ when did he tell you this?

“ last night” jude say as he repeat the same motion with his hand.

Noah knows jude is nervous . Jude always seems to do this when he’s nervous and it doesn’t help that he ‘s frowning too.

“ hey Dane it’s going to be ok. I’ll meet with him and convince him that he would rather have a payment plan or maybe be a silent Partnership.”

Jude sighs

“ I really don’t think he’s going to go for any of that. He has money noah.”

“ true the only thing he doesn’t have is ....you”noah says as he stops Jude’s wondering hand.

Jude looks up.

“ come here I need to cuddle with my Dane. I think my tired wheels are starting to turn.”

Jude sighs and lays down next to noah.

Noah pulls jude in tightly against his chest.

“ we can figure this out. I promise you ok.”

Jude’s birthday week

Jude and Noah have been avoiding the subject of zero like the plague. Which is fine by Jude. Jude does have a strange feeling like Noah is planning something big for his birthday but he doesn’t have a clue to what it could be. Jude started to notice noah has been taling to a lot of people. Yes noah is friendly but it seems like he’s been friendlier then normal. Then there is the texting every time he sees him. He’s text someone.Jude finally asked noah if he was up to something and Noah just smiles and shoves his phone in his pocket . Jude isn’t used to anyone making a big deal about his birthday. When he was with zero they had one conversation about it and Jude never brought it up again after zero said he hated birthdays because of growing up in the system. Now jude doesn’t know how he feels about some big celebrations for his birthday. Then the doubt sets in what if it’s all in Jude’s head and Noah forgets about his birthday.

“Earth to jude”

Jude shakes himself out of his thoughts.

“ yeah sorry” jude says as he turns into their neighborhood.

“ I thought we were getting chicken from the grocery store why did you turn?”noah asked

“ oh sorry I’m on autopilot.”

“ yeah this whole time I think I have been talking to myself. jude what’s wrong.”

“ I just have a lot on my mind.”

“ talk to me “

“ ok what’s going on? You have been acting really strange ”Jude asked

“ how are you going to ask me that again when it’s your birthday week “

There is no hesitation from noah when he answered. Jude smiles.

“ ok”jude turns the car around and heads to the store

“ that’s it?”

“Yeah it’s all good. I’m sorry for asking again “Jude tells

“O..k” noah sits back and watches Jude on the way to the store.

I can’t wait for this week to be over. Noah thinks to himself. Keeping everything that they has been planning to himself is driving noah nuts. It’s so hard not tell jude everything that is going on.

“ so what do you think about Johnson and Ritters? I know you meet with them before the draft a few months ago.”

“ they are a good team on their own. It would have been a shame if they would have been drafted separately.”

“ do you think the rumor are true?”

“ are you interviewing me noah?” Jude smiles and rolls his eye.

“My mic is on the charger. This is just me wanting to know what you think.did you get a vibe off them”

“ a vibe? Like....”

“ oh come on Jude you don’t think they are a couple?”

“ isn’t it a rule that you don’t out anyone one that not ready to be out and proud?”

“ Jude you know I won’t say anything I’m just curious because they don’t hide it very well. I talk to the other players already they pointed it out first.”

“ oh.”jude knows all about his two new players. He received a email from them yes one email sent from both of them. They have been friends sinces child hood. They grow up together and went to the same high school. They even got into the same college. They contacted jude to asked to become devils. Apparently they outed themselves to every organization hoping that no one would draft them. It worked and Jude was able to pick them both up in the last round. Jude has already gotten with all the trainers coaches and staff to remind them of the devil’s no bullying policy . The players are next on the list.

“ wait you said out someone. You knew this whole time didn’t you.”

“ I’m not saying a word.” Jude says.

“ your silence is a answer you know.”

“ why does it matter so much.”

“ well you can gossip with me and it won’t go any where.”

“ you know I’m not big on gossip “

“ I know but you have such good gossip Jude”

Jude shrugs.

The rest of the evening is pretty normal a little dancing a little gaming and a little reading for jude.

Noah’s birthday surprise is full steam aheads.

The week goes by quickly and it’s the night before family day and Jude’s birthday .

Noah’s in the bathroom after eating something at dinner that didn’t agree with him.

“ you ok in there.” Jude says through door.

“ oh my god I’m never eating India food again.” Noah say

“ hey can I get your phone? I need to get on instagram to wish my brother a happy birthday.”

“ give me a second to finish up I’m playing a game”

“ Noah I have 5 minutes before it’s not his birthday.i don’t want him to think I don’t know. You said I shouldnt antagonize him.”jude reminds Noah.

“Ok ok come in if you dare.”

Jude opens the door and is hit with a smell that turns his stomach.

“ wow yeah no more india food for you”

“ here take it and go “

“ your sweating you ok?”

“ Jude I love you but please go”

Jude can hear Noah’s stomach bubble up.

Jude quickly leaves.

Jude cringes at the noises he hears through the door

“I’m seriously the little spoon tonight” jude calls out as he looks for the icon on Noah’s phone.

“ tell me what your sending him.”

“Happy birthday “

“ don’t send that jude”

“ why”

“Because it’s not personal and it’s your first message to your brothers.”

“ ok tell me what I need to say. I don’t want to screw it up.”

“ Dane you won’t just send the message that you would want from him.”

“Ok”

Jude takes a deep breath and starts to type.

Hey big brother I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. It’s crazy that it’s the big 30 and we haven’t even meet.Come to family day at the arena tomorrow @11am it’s all day I’ll be there. It should be fun. Jude

Jude reads it to Noah.

“ see I told you wouldn’t screw it up”noah says from the bathroom.

“ you almost done I’d like to brush my teeth.”

“ yeah I think I’m done.”noah say as he flushes the toilet.

Noah comes out looking slightly worn out like he just left the gym.

Jude hands Noah’s his phone back and steps pass noah . Noah grabs Jude’s arm.

“ happy birthday Dane”noah shows Jude the clock on his phone.

Jude smiles.

“Thanks hubby”

“ hubby?aww”noah says to tease Jude

“ hey I’m not as good at the cutesy names like you”

Jude’s phone rings on the nightstand.

“Dane my sexy 30 year old your phone is ring it’s your mom”

“ answer it for me”

“ of course”

Noah stretches out and grabs Jude’s phone.

Noah press the answer button

Patty and Justice Appears on the screen singing

“Oh your not my brother”

“ I’m your brother in law so I’m just not the right brother.”

“ oh yeah now where’s my jude?”Justice says

“ excuse my daughter it’s pass her bed time noah she’s a little grumpy “

[hari-writes]

Three Sides to the Story - Chapter 7

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug Pairings: Adrien/Marinette Marinette/Chat Noir Summary: It’s been almost three years since Adrien Agreste walked out of Marinette’s life. An accidental meeting at a party starts a course of events that will either drive them together or further apart. Meanwhile, Plagg and Tikki have had enough of their holders’ indecision and obliviousness.

Read on A03

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6

16th March

Adrien’s good mood didn’t last over the following days. In spite of feeling like he was walking on air after his brief chat with Ladybug and the calm he always felt after spending time with Marinette, the past few days felt like they had been designed to destroy all traces of his smile. Now, the first of three days of modelling for his father’s internship competition had arrived and neither of the first two candidates was his Princess.

Each candidate had to fit their outfit to Adrien, then had thirty minutes to make any adjustments necessary to make the items ready for the photoshoot. They then had to style the whole look from a large selection of hats, scarves and jewellery. Next, while Adrien and Vincent completed the shoot, Gabriel would interview the candidates on their designs. From where he stood under hot lights, Adrien could hear everything they said.

The first tuxedo he modelled was very classic and well made, but it didn’t feel very inspired. The design student was very self-assured while talking to Gabriel and was able to justify his design choices. Adrien knew that this would impress his father - he respected people with conviction - in spite of how cautious the final piece was. As much as his heart wasn’t in modelling anymore, Adrien enjoyed his morning.

A second fitting in the afternoon meant he ate a meagre lunch. A text from Nino to cancel their planned meet-up that night due to a last-minute DJing gig was a further disappointment. From there, it went from bad to worse.

The second candidate’s design was far more avant-garde and his outfit was possibly the most uncomfortable thing he’d ever worn. It fit badly and the material was hot and it made his skin itch. The guy then chose to style it with so many accessories that Adrien was afraid to move in case one of the many pieces of costume jewellery caught on the open-weave trousers. The choice of colours was a cacophony of clashing tones and Vincent took an age to adjust the lighting so he could get acceptable shots. Every moment in the suit was torture.

The guy’s interview seemed to be going well, though. He was confidently explaining the reasoning behind his design and Gabriel was responding positively to him. To Adrien, it sounded incredibly pretentious and he instantly disliked this contestant.

His character judgement was vindicated when the makeup assistant accidentally scattered a little translucent powder on the collar of the jacket while she was mattifying Adrien’s increasingly sweaty face.

“You stupid girl!” Candidate number 2 shouted, “how dare you defile my work.”

“Ok, take it easy.” Adrien stepped between the angry student and the red-faced makeup assistant. “It was an accident and it’s just powder, it’ll dust off. Nothing is ruined.”

“Listen, model,” he spat, “your job is to display my work, nobody asked for your opinion. You’re just an overpaid mannequin.”

Gabriel rose from his seat now. Adrien caught his eye and tried to communicate that he had this under control. He really didn’t want Hawkmoth getting wind of this situation and his father had a habit of stirring up negative emotions in even the most zen people.

“You’re right.” Adrien dropped his voice, attempting to diffuse the situation. “My opinion doesn’t count here, but the guy whose opinion dictates whether you get this internship is right over there and I know you don’t want to make a bad impression by squaring up to his son… So, can we all move past it and finish the shoot?”

One insincere mumbled apology to the makeup assistant later, the guy was back in his seat, talking to Gabriel Agreste like nothing had happened. His father looked almost impressed with the way Adrien had handled himself. However, Gabriel held ancillary staff like makeup artists in low regard so the whole scene in all likelihood didn’t bother him

Adrien was still shaking. How dare someone be so rude? It was lucky that Hawkmoth was evidently Out of Office right now or he’d have had a tough job excusing himself from under his father’s nose.

Finally, back in his own clothes, Adrien washed the makeup off his face and restyled his hair. By the time he reached the reception area of the photography studio they were renting in Montmartre for the week, his father was gone. The receptionist caught his eye and, after verifying his name, handed him a note.

Nathalie’s hurried handwriting simply read, Gabriel is leaving for Grasse tonight in preparation for tomorrow’s meeting. Make sure you are home by curfew. Back tomorrow PM. N.

He shouldn’t have expected anything different, shouldn’t be disappointed, but he was. Adrien thought his father might have at least waited to say goodbye in person. What more did Gabriel want? Adrien played the dutiful son, followed his rules and waited expectantly for the day his father showed him love or respect. Why did he torture himself like this?

»»————-————-««

17th March... just

“Princess!!! Are you awake?”

Shouting like an alley cat at 1 in the morning?! I’m going to kill him and have his damn bell as a trophy...

Marinette did not enjoy being woken up from a deep sleep, even less so when the one waking her was perfectly able to use more stealth. There was something odd about his voice, though…

“Are you trying to wake the entire neighbourhood, Chaton- oh!” When she threw the window open. she wasn’t expecting to see... “Adrien?! What the hell are you doing here? How do you know where I live?”

The blonde-haired boy stepped back to get a better view of her window and promptly fell off the pavement. He sprang back to his feet with impressively cat-like agility for someone so obviously hammered.

“Whoa. Are you ok? I think this street is wobbly.” He slurred.

“You can’t leave him out there, Marinette,” Tikki said, “he’s in no state to find his own way home from here.”

With an exasperated sigh, Marinette grabbed her robe and went down to the street to rescue a drunken Adrien before one of her neighbours tried to shut him up in a less charitable way. He was sprawled against a parked car when she threw open her front door. It was a miracle that he hadn’t set off a car alarm.

“Come inside, you idiot.” She gasped. “It’s freezing out here.”

She darted out the building just enough to grab his arm and pull him into the lobby. Once inside, he leaned against the wall, looking like he might slide down it at any minute. Sighing, she pulled his arm around her shoulders and heaved him up the stairs to her flat. Luka stuck his head out his own bedroom door as she passed. He gave her a ‘should I be concerned?’ look and she shook her head and smiled reassuringly before opening her own bedroom door and pushing Adrien through it. He made a beeline for her desk chair and slumped in it.

“Make yourself at home.” She said, her voice dripped with sarcasm, even though she knew he wouldn’t notice. He was acting like he’d been there a hundred times before. Considering she never told him she’d even moved out her parents’ home, it was disconcerting. “Sit tight, I’m going to make coffee.”

As she filled the coffee maker with water, her mind was racing. Tikki was equally confused.

“Why is he here, Marinette? And what could possibly have driven him to get so drunk? It’s not like him. Where is his bodyguard? What will his father say?” The red and black kwami asked.

“I can’t answer any of those questions, Tikki,” Marinette whispered. “I can’t imagine his father knows he’s here. I hope he wasn’t caught by any paparazzi.”

“Same here.” Tikki agreed, “I can try to- well, let me see what I can think of while you tend to Adrien.”

“Thanks, Tikki.”

Marinette reached into the cupboard for the Good Coffee, the stuff she usually reserved for exam revision and all night sewing sessions. She guessed it should be strong enough to at least start sobering up Adrien. While she was waiting for the water to heat and drip through the grounds, Tikki suggested she take a few cookies back and Marinette popped a chunk of Camembert on the plate, too. When she and Adrien were together, Tikki always asked for the cheese when Adrien was around so Marinette got into the routine of always adding a piece to their snack plate. Old habits were like muscle-memory and she didn’t think about what she was doing until it was done.

Marinette had to open her door with her knee then back somewhat inelegantly into the room so as not to drop the overfilled tray. She set it down on a clear space on her desk before scuttling around the room, picking up stray sketchbooks and fabric swatches and setting them in a pile next to her now empty dress form. After Cat Noir’s help the other night, she had completed her contest outfit and it was safely zipped up in a suit carrier at her parents’ place. The final assessment for her course was now weighing on her mind and she’d been trying to create a mood-board for the collection before tiredness postponed the activity.

She poured two mugs of coffee, adding milk to both and perched on the end of her bed with her hands wrapped around the mug. She scrutinised the boy in front of her as he swayed in her seat.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked.

“Did you know there’s an Irish pub down the street?” He slurred “It’s great craic. There are so many different whiskeys, I didn’t know that. DId you know that?”

At least that partially explained what he was doing here, her flat was nearby. However, there were at least 4 Irish pubs between his house and hers so she still had questions. Firstly, why was he drinking alone? She had never known him to be drunk and she was sure Gabriel forbade it.

“Anyway,” he continued, “I realised I left my phone in the limo, but I couldn’t remember where I was meant to meet Gorilla.”

“Shit, Adrien. Your dad must be going mental.” Marinette said.

“Oh, no, he’s out of town tonight. He’s meeting his perfumiers in Grasse tomorrow morning.” Adrien laughed bitterly. “He mustn’t disappoint his suppliers, you know, only his son.”

“Still. I’m going to text Gorilla and let him know you’re safe.” She picked her phone up off her bedspread and started scrolling through the contacts. It was funny, she’d long deleted Adrien’s number, but she couldn’t bring herself to remove his bodyguard’s from her phone. She found the number and fired off a quick message to assure Gorilla that Adrien was safe and best sleeping off the effects of the alcohol before he came to collect him. He replied to thank her for looking after his charge.

“Ok, they’ve called off the search party.” She said as she placed her phone on the desk  “Now, are you going to tell me what going on with you? You’ve never been drunk before.”

“How would you know?” Adrien’s eyes narrowed, “A lot had changed since we last spoke.”

“Touch é .” She conceded and sipped her coffee. She figured that if she could let the silence hang long enough, he’d be compelled to talk. She took a cookie from the already cheeseless plate and silently offered Adrien one. He took it and concentrated on the surface of the snack, avoiding her gaze.

Eventually, he spoke.

“Why does my father hate me?” He asked and silent tears fell down his face.

Marinette drew him into a tight hug. She wanted to tell him that Gabriel did love him, that he was just hurt and broken and unable to communicate his love right now. She wanted to hold him until he stopped hurting, but she knew that there was only one person’s word, one person’s embrace that could help Adrien, and he wasn’t known for acts of affection.

Suddenly, he pulled away from her arms and looked at her with a panicked expression. The colour drained from his face until his complexion had a greyish tinge.

“Adrien? Do you feel sick?” Marinette asked.

By way of answer, Adrien lurched forward as Marinette grabbed the wastepaper basket with reflexes borne of seven years of superheroing, tipped out its contents and shoved it under his face. As he wretched into the hot pink bin, she was thankful she opted for the plastic version and not that cute wicker one with the flowers on it. There was nothing else she could do, but rub his back and wait for the heaving to subside.

“How much did you drink, Adrien?” she asked, not expecting an answer.

»»————-————-««

He woke up in a bed that wasn’t his own, head pounding, throat raw and mouth dry. He wanted to sit up and check out his surroundings but the duvet over him felt like it weighed several tonnes. The room was unfamiliar, yet comforting at the same time. He’d been here before, but he couldn’t place it, his memories were too foggy. Forcing his body into an upright position (he was sure the room was swaying) he finally realised he was in Marinette’s bedroom. How did I get here?

“So, you’re awake, idiot boy?” Plagg was more irritable than usual this morning. “You are so STUPID. What if there was an akuma last night? What if you ran into more paparazzi? Your father would never let you out of his sight again. You could have waved goodbye to being Cat Noir, and for what?”

“Sorry.” Adrien managed to croak.

“And why did you come here of all places?! You’ve only been here as Cat Noir before, how are you going to explain knowing the address?” Adrien tried to speak, but Plagg was far from finished. “I’m all for letting lose - you’re far too uptight most of the time - but you were reckless last night.”

The bedroom door opened with a click, saving Adrien from Plagg’s diatribe. Marinette brought a steaming mug to him, her expression was concern and amusement.

“He lives.” She said with a chuckle. “Here, it’s sweet tea. You need to replace fluids. I’ll bring you some water too.” Adrien just nodded.

“How are you feeling?” She asked.

“Mortified. I don’t even know how I got here, I’m so sorry.” He bowed his head.

“I’ll fill you in on everything you did and said, I promise. Let’s just wait until you’re feeling less fragile, though.” She said. The words were achingly familiar.

Silence hung between them

“Every day. In case you were wondering.”

“I don’t…” Marinette started.

“ I r egret walking out on you, every day.” He said.

“Adrien, you don’t have to say that.” She didn’t want to dredge up painful memories.

“I do. Have to say it, I mean. Because it’s true.” Adrien stumbled over his words and Marinette was reminded of herself in school, struggling to get a coherent sentence out in front of her crush. “I regret the way I spoke to you, what I said and I especially regret walking away from you. Can you ever forgive me?”

“I already have.” She said. “I could never bear a grudge, particularly against you.”

“You’re amazing Marinette.”

“I think you’re still pissed, Adrien.”

»»————-————-««

On a shelf, high above their heads, two kwamis groaned and shook their heads.

“You were rather tough on him this morning, Plagg,” the red and black bug said.

“I’m still mad at him for taking you away from me.” Plagg huffed.

“I get that and I’m mad too, but giving Adrien a hard time isn’t going to change that.” Tikki reasoned, “We’ve got a chance to get them back together now, let’s use the opportunity to put them in each other’s paths as much as possible.”

“I say we pop out and frighten them. Force them to work this out.” Plagg whispered.

“I’m closer to agreeing with you than you’d believe, Plagg. These are our most infuriating charges yet.” Tikki concurred.

[righttrackfitness]

Consistency For The WIN!

Arguably the most important component when working to accomplish; consistency is a big enemy for so many people.  It is an area I personally have struggled with over the years.  When I start to see great progress; it is easy to back off on what I have been doing.  It is a battle both in my workouts and in making good nutrition choices.  Without consistency, programs are unorganized, the body has a harder time adapting, and forming habits may be more challenging as we are on the yo-yo of inconsistency!  

We all know that having a regular exercise routine is essential for maintaining both our physical and mental health. Participating in regular physical activity is proven to help us to live a happy and healthy life. Finding time to fit in a workout or plan our meals and snack when life is pulling us in a million directions is difficult: but, not impossible!  I have some tips that can help you to find your way to being consistent.

FIND YOUR MOTIVATION

This is a re-occurring theme in my blogs.  For success in your journey, you need to know what is your WHY?  What is your motivation for working out and eating healthy? This is essential in ensuring that you stick to your routine. I do not mean a vague description of your why.  Dig deep, way beyond “I want to lose weight”.  Detail what that will look and feel like.  Now WRITE IT DOWN!  Look at it every day and twice a day when you find yourself loosing motivation.  Put it on a post-it on your refrigerator or mirror, have it pop up on your phone calendar as a reminder.  

IT TAKES TIME TO CHANGE

Hey, Rome was not built in a day and you are not going to crush a workout the first time you decide to lace up those runners.  Too much all at once can be overwhelming.  Stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to keep up with everyone else at the gym or in a class.  Making healthy eating choices can start as simple as drinking more water.  Let’s be honest, when you can’t walk the next day, brushing your hair is so painful you opt to wear a hat and standing up from a chair almost impossible, the likelihood of you continuing to exercise is not very good.  You are not in competition with others around you.  Challenge yourself but leave your ego at home.  I realized a long time ago everyone is so busy doing their thing they are not paying attention to how many push-ups or burpees I do or how fast I go through a circuit and if they do, WHO CARES!  You are there for you.

Eating a nutritious diet has many benefits; however, it is important to have realistic expectations to get to your goals and maintain them in the long run.  Set yourself up for success by not trying to lose weight too quickly or cutting out certain foods you love.  

You did not get to where you are over night so, don’t expect changes to happen overnight.  Do not be discouraged if it takes longer than you expect to adapt to your new, healthy way of living.  A slow steady approach will allow you to make sustainable changes.  Trust the process.  Breaking your habits and improving your diet and exercise is not easy.  Being consistent will tell your body that it is going to get what it needs to be healthy.  

If YOU DO NOT ENJOY IT WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?

It is much easier to be consistent with working out if you find an exercise that you love to do. If your thought is “I have to workout” instead of “I get to workout” you are not doing the right exercise for you.  If it doesn’t excite you, don’t do it.

Try an Exercise Class until you find one that piques your specific interest and keeps you motivated to come back.

Go Outside and explore your environment.  This is a great way to stay motivated and decompress. 

Join a Team or Group if you are a social person.  This is a great way to stay consistent with your workouts, make friends, and have fun!  

SCHEDULE IT

You would not miss a doctor’s appointment so book your workouts as an appointment and make it non-negotiable that you cannot break the appointment.  After-all, your health is important! 

PAY FOR IT

Invest in yourself! If you don’t like wasting money, then paying for exercise sessions, personal training, equipment or an App will be a great motivator for you to stay consistent.  

I often have people say to me “I will come you your classes but first I need to get in better shape”.  News flash, you go to classes or the gym to get into and stay in shape!  If you haven't worked out in a while, you can reasonably expect that you won't be great at it and that's OK! Moving your body in any way, whether it's walking or doing a full blown bootcamp workout has a positive impact on almost every system in our body.  

Going to a class or working with a personal trainer when you are starting back up will provide you necessary encouragement and coaching to ensure a safe workout avoiding injury.  A coach can help set you up for success by setting realistic goals for fitness and nutrient that are in line with where you are at right now.  It is money invested in you.

DONT' DO IT ALONE

Accountability is one of the most effective ways to get to your goals.  Workout with your friend, in a group, use a tracker or work with a fitness and nutrition coach.  Just make sure if you decide to workout with a friend, they do not become your excuse not to do your workout.  I realized a long time ago if I committed to exercise with another person, I had to commit first to myself.  If they showed up that was a bonus but, if they cancelled or postponed, I had to stay true to me and my commitment.

[hydrus]

Version 425

windows

zip

exe

macOS

app

linux

tar.gz

I had a good week. I optimised and fixed several core systems.

faster

I messed up last week with one autocomplete query, and as a result, when searching the PTR in 'all known files', which typically happens in the 'manage tags' dialog, all queries had 2-6 seconds lag! I figured out what went wrong, and now autocomplete should be working fast everywhere. My test situation went from 2.5 seconds to 58ms! Sorry for the trouble here, this was driving me nuts as well.

I also worked on tag processing. Thank you to the users who have sent in profiles and other info since the display cache came in. A great deal of overhead and inefficient is reduced, so tag processing should be faster for almost all situations.

The 'system:number of tags' query now has much better cancelability. It still wasn't great last week, so I gave it another go. If you do a bare 'system:num tags > 4' or something and it is taking ages, stopping or changing the search should now just take a couple seconds. It also won't blat your memory as much, if you go really big.

And lastly, the 'session' and 'bandwidth' objects in the network engine, formerly monolithic and sometimes laggy objects, are now broken into smaller pieces. When you get new cookies or some bandwidth is used, only the small piece that is changed now needs to be synced to the database. This is basically the same as the subscription breakup last year, but behind the scenes. It reduces some db activity and UI lag on older and network-heavy clients.

better

I have fixed more instances of 'ghost' tags, where committing certain pending tags, usually in combination with others that shared a sibling/parent implication, could still leave a 'pending' tag behind. This reasons behind it were quite complicated, but I managed to replicate the bug and fixed every instance I could find. Please let me know if you find any more instances of this behaviour.

While the display cache is working ok now, and with decent speed, some larger and more active clients will still have some ghost tags and inaccurate autocomplete counts hanging around. You won't notice or care about a count of 1,234,567 vs 1,234,588, but in some cases these will be very annoying. The only simple fixes available at the moment are the nuclear 'regen' jobs under the 'database' menu, which isn't good enough. I have planned maintenance routines for regenerating just for particular files and tags, and I want these to be easy to fire off, just from right-click menu, so if you have something wrong staring at you on some favourite files or tags, please hang in there, fixes will come.

full list

optimisations:

I fixed the new tag cache's slow tag autocomplete when in 'all known files' domain (which is usually in the manage tags dialog). what was taking about 2.5 seconds in 424 should now take about 58ms!!! for technical details, I was foolishly performing the pre-search exact match lookup (where exactly what you type appears before the full results fetch) on the new quick-text search tables, but it turns out this is unoptimised and was wasting a ton of CPU once the table got big. sorry for the trouble here--this was driving me nuts IRL. I have now fleshed out my dev machine's test client with many more millions of tag mappings so I can test these scales better in future before they go live

internal autocomplete count fetches for single tags now have less overhead, which should add up for various rapid small checks across the program, mostly for tag processing, where the client frequently consults current counts on single tags for pre-processing analysis

autocomplete count fetch requests for zero tags (lol) are also dealt with more efficiently

thanks to the new tag definition cache, the 'num tags' service info cache is now updated and regenerated more efficiently. this speeds up all tag processing a couple percent

tag update now quickly filters out redundant data before the main processing job. it is now significantly faster to process tag mappings that already exist--e.g. when a downloaded file pends tags that already exist, or repo processing gives you tags you already have, or you are filling in content gaps in reprocessing

tag processing is now more efficient when checking against membership in the display cache, which greatly speeds up processing on services with many siblings and parents. thank you to the users who have contributed profiles and other feedback regarding slower processing speeds since the display cache was added

various tag filtering and display membership tests are now shunted to the top of the mappings update routine, reducing much other overhead, especially when the mappings being added are redundant

.

tag logic fixes:

I explored the 'ghost tag' issue, where sometimes committing a pending tag still leaves a pending record. this has been happening in the new display system when two pending tags that imply the same tag through siblings or parents are committed at the same time. I fixed a previous instance of this, but more remained. I replicated the problem through a unit test, rewrote several update loops to remain in sync when needed, and have fixed potential ghost tag instances in the specific and 'all known files' domains, for 'add', 'pend', 'delete', and 'rescind pend' actions

also tested and fixed are possible instances where both a tag and its implication tag are pend-committed at the same time, not just two that imply a shared other

furthermore, in a complex counting issue, storage autocomplete count updates are no longer deferred when updating mappings--they are 'interleaved' into mappings updates so counts are always synchronised to tables. this unfortunately adds some processing overhead back in, but as a number of newer cache calculations rely on autocomplete numbers, this change improves counting and pre-processing logic

fixed a 'commit pending to current' counting bug in the new autocomplete update routine for 'all known files' domain

while display tag logic is working increasingly ok and fast, most clients will have some miscounts and ghost tags here and there. I have yet to write efficient correction maintenance routines for particular files or tags, but this is planned and will come. at the moment, you just have the nuclear 'regen' maintenance calls, which are no good for little problems

.

network object breakup:

the network session and bandwidth managers, which store your cookies and bandwidth history for all the different network contexts, are no longer monolithic objects. on updates to individual network contexts (which happens all the time during network activity), only the particular updated session or bandwidth tracker now needs to be saved to the database. this reduces CPU and UI lag on heavy clients. basically the same thing as the subscriptions breakup last year, but all behind the scenes

your existing managers will be converted on update. all existing login and bandwidth log data should be preserved

sessions will now keep delayed cookie changes that occured in the final network request before client exit

we won't go too crazy yet, but session and bandwidth data is now synced to the database every 5 minutes, instead of 10, so if the client crashes, you only lose 5 mins of login/bandwidth data

some session clearing logic is improved

the bandwidth manager no longer considers future bandwidth in tests. if your computer clock goes haywire and your client records bandwidth in the future, it shouldn't bosh you _so much_ now

.

the rest:

the 'system:number of tags' query now has greatly improved cancelability, even on gigantic result domains

fixed a bad example in the client api help that mislabeled 'request_new_permissions' as 'request_access_permissions' (issue #780)

the 'check and repair db' boot routine now runs _after_ version checks, so if you accidentally install a version behind, you now get the 'weird version m8' warning before the db goes bananas about missing tables or similar

added some methods and optimised some access in Hydrus Tag Archives

if you delete all the rules from a default bandwidth ruleset, it no longer disappears momentarily in the edit UI

updated the python mpv bindings to 0.5.2 on windows, although the underlying dll is the same. this seems to fix at least one set of dll load problems. also updated is macOS, but not Linux (yet), because it broke there, hooray

updated cloudscraper to 1.2.52 for all platforms

next week

Even if this week had good work, I got thick into logic and efficiency and couldn't find the time to do anything else. I'll catch up on regular work and finally get into my planned network updates.

[theninjasanctuary]

The usual year-in-review post. Putting it behind a break because it is long and pretty boring.

Conflicted about giving a verdict, because obviously this year has been shit in so many respects even if I personally really didn’t suffer much beyond minor inconveniences and some anxiety and stress and an unsurprising death in the family. Yet in other respects, ngl, this has still been a better year than I’ve had in a while. It boils down to being in a relatively safe corner of the world and now being paid enough to make ends meet, basically, because I got a new job in a more or less secure field. (I was doing ok-ish last year as well, considering, but it was at the expense of taking on too much extra work, in hindsight I’ve no idea how I even managed teaching 3 classes last autumn semester.) I started it in a half-time capacity, but then switched to full-time in September when we found a replacement for my previous half-time position. I’m making local medium wage now and probably will for the next 4 years, and thus a massive source of stress in my life is just gone for the time being. I’m not buying-cars-or-real-estate rich, but I can afford not to worry, and let me tell you, that is so fucking nice. 

No, I haven’t been particularly smart about it. Yes, I did sort out the situation with my retirement savings plans at the end of December, and increased monthly contributions, but throughout the year, I’ve been spending furiously and, disregarding minor charitable donations, pretty selfishly. I’ve done a lot, A LOT of shopping, mostly online. Some of it was warranted to make up for all the lean years - it was not too soon to get new sheets, the old ones were literally becoming threadbare, the rug was looking miserable, the sofa was de facto broken, the hallway was depressing, etc. I don’t regret any expenses on nesting, including furniture and reno (with the possible exception of a pendant light I changed my mind about when it was too late to return it, but I still kind of like it and will find a use for it eventually). There’s an underlying pessimism, leading to a sense of urgency to check these things off the list before the good times run out again. As I’ve said before, I feel it’ll be easier to cope with precarity when I’ve established a baseline of relative comfort.

But there’s also no point in denying that a considerable chunk of the expenses this year built up from just comfort shopping out of anxiety and boredom. It’s not even a good self-soothing tactic, is it. Yet here we are, and the wardrobe has been upgraded and then some, again, but at least nearly all of it was either second-hand or reasonably priced. Too many favourites to list, but finding the perfect jeans (and getting 2 pairs) seems like an achievement worth noting. (I also had 2 pairs of my previous favourites, Uniqlo denim joggers from... 2017?, but my thighs destroyed them both by late last year. The new ones are lasting better in comparison.) Of course there was fairly little chance to wear all of these nice things, with the exception of loungewear. I last wore a dress in August. Hopefully things will eventually improve in this respect.

Bought lots of skincare, too. I am habitually mindful of getting the best value for money, but have definitely splurged on things here and there, and tried new stuff more than I used to. There are vague thoughts on perhaps simplifying the routines. Also, there’s been a shift towards stuff I can easily get in Europe, because there were issues with getting things from Korea or Japan, and I guess the novelty has worn off a bit, I can’t be bothered to sheet mask more than twice a month, max, and things I like keep getting discontinued.   

In contrast to all of the above, saved on travel, obviously. Due to all plans getting cancelled from March onwards, only left the country once this year, to Paris around Valentine’s day (it was mostly excellent and done in a budget-conscious manner). It is odd that I don’t really miss travel all that much either. Low-key dreading the next opportunity because it seems like a major source of anxiety after a long break. There were a few local day trips with friends or family over the summer and autumn, which I cherished, as well as the too-few chances to go out somewhere and see people (amid second-wave hindsight, wish I’d done it more during the summer). Even my introverted ass misses socializing by this point, despite also feeling that I’ve become really bad at it. As anyone ought to have realized after reading this far, I’m probably more boring than ever, too.     

Regrets also involve not getting out more and not getting enough exercise. Yes, even considering I’ve been going to weekly workouts with a physiotherapist/private trainer since June (using a compensation scheme paid for by work, but that covers about half of it) that has mostly fixed the issues I was having with my shoulders and clearly upped my general fitness level. The problem is, the workouts at home were on the easy and occasional side, and I have only gone on a handful of long walks all year. Part of it is scheduling, part of it is route issues and wanting to avoid public transportation because of the pandemic, and part of it was my tendency to get blisters for no good reason, but I fixed that with another late-in-the-year purchase of cold-weather-appropriate Skechers.       

In surprise achievements during this year: for the first time since actively having an ED, I have become mostly ok with weighing myself like a rational adult (no more than once a month though, and I take care to do it at a time where I’m not bloated, so the ‘rational’ part remains arguable). I didn’t really think this would ever happen, but it’s a side effect of the physio sessions. It feels a bigger achievement than the 5 or so kg of actual weight I’ve lost - I felt fat af in the late spring, and ngl, cookies and ice cream featured heavily on the lockdown menu. I also cut all the way back on sugar since May until late November or so, and intend to keep it up once sugar-binge-season is over.  

Ceiling-to-floor reno of a complicated hallway space on top of everything else that’s been going on is also a fucking achievement, even if it took too long and the guy is coming to put up 2 more lights next week.

I’ve been reading more just for recreation. Not ‘enough’, whatever that means, and not always or even mostly at reasonable times, but it counts and has made this year more tolerable.    

Items still on the to-do-list for next year: getting glasses, ffs. I have had the prescription since June. I want to go with the boyf and make him get new ones too, but zero fucking progress, and the environment isn’t helping, hard to shop for glasses with a mask on. Same goes for driving school, can’t do all of it online, but it needs to get done. Also, kitchen reno, even though at the moment that feels like too much, but I ought to make plans and order the supplies during winter and spring, and then hire the same guy to get it done quickly in the summer.

Resolutions: I guess my last remaining grandparent dying has contributed to feeling I’m sick and tired of kidulting. I want to get a fucking grip, get my finances in order, set adult goals and muster the will to work towards them. And I want to continue working on my fitness level. That’s about it.

[strongmanlytouch]

FULL BODY STRESS RELIEF THERAPY FOR MEN

Thanks for visiting my blog page. Here, you’ll find an in-depth account about my male massage exclusively for men. Whether you’re a gay male, straight or bisexual, you can take comfort that I am very discreet, and respect the privacy and discretion of all who come to see me. That is why I don’t display face PICS! And, I Will NOT, send Face or body pics upon request! So please respect my wishes and don’t ask for them. It’ infuriates me that some inquisitive men ignore what I have written and still ask for Face PICs despite that I explicitly state ‘No Face Pics’ on my profile page.  Many masseurs willing display face and nude body pics and that they should be considered prior to contacting me. Recently, I had a guy who expressed interest in my massage and requested for a nude body picture. My reply was; “Sorry, I don’t send out pics? He appeared angry and wrote, “it’s like pulling teeth”! Another guy asked if it would be OK for him to stop by and “check me out” first, before going ahead with a massage. I replied, this is not how I conduct my business and explained to him that men who come to experience my massage make their decision based on my profile and blog page.

Simply put, I am not advertising an online personals ad. As a seasoned professional massage therapist,  my massage has never been predicated on face pics alone. From my experience, men who ask for face pics seem to be looking to for more than a massage. While others are merely window shopping and curious as to who is the faceless man behind the pics, so their intentions are questionable and more often than not, serious. And for those asking inquiry men bluntly asking for my stats that listed on the bottom page of on my profile, this also, lacks relevance for a massage!

In my tenure years’ experience, Face pics or my body “stats" has never been predicated on my massage business. Many of my clients are discreet professionals and seek a discreet male like myself which is one of the criteria men have expressed that is important to them. It’s also a concern for me to maintain my discretion as well. In fact, many of my male clients feel extremely at ease that I am not displaying my face pics!

Interestingly, an older gentlemen recently asked if his age would be a "problem"? I kindly replied, “age, is not an issue with me” and he has become a regular client.  To me, a man’s age, height, and body weight have no bearing whatsoever. The only criteria I request from my male clients is mutual respect, courtesy, and to be clean After all, if I’m going to massage a man’s entire body, I’d surely like him to be clean especially in and around his BUTT!!!!  Having a pungent odor is not pleasant! I’ve had some men who showed interested in a prostrate massage to be included, but during the session I encountered an unpleasant odor around the ass as it was not CLEAN and avoided massaging the area altogether.

Also, I would prefer potential clients to be honest when they need to cancel and not fabricate an elaborate story. Here are few excuses given from men that I find rather unusual and unrealistic. My mother is in the hospital, I need to visit my friend in the hospital, I was in a car accident and couldn’t reach you! Perhaps one of these replies may have been true but it seems doubtful to me. Should you need to cancel, I would appreciate a truthful answer that is believable and would understand. In my experience, when a male client decides to cancel a session, it occurs because of a business meeting or work commitment that has suddenly arisen. Some may cancel because of some hesitation: for any number of reasons: such as first time doing a massage and they’re nervous. Others may not even show up at all without ever contacting me!

As men screen for a potential masseur using a varied set of criteria,  I screen for bonafide male clients and speak over the phone once there is established sincere interest. From the discussion,  I can gauge whether there is mutual positive energy to go ahead and book a session.

Unfortunately, at times, I encounter an uncomfortable session and on one occasion during a massage, a guy pulled out a bottle of poppers. Looking to enhance his gratification, he did so without ever asking if the use of poppers would be acceptable. His frequent inhaling disrupted the massage as his hands fiddled with the small bottle positioned closely to his nostrils.

Interestingly,  he expressed that he was enjoying the massage though his heightened but momentary intoxication lead him to become aggressive and he begun making sexual “demands” that I would not fulfill!. Immediately, I ended the session!  Therefore, to assure a mutually positive experience, I will NOT allow the use of poppers or any other recreational drugs during my massage sessions!

I would like to share something that just recently occurred with a potential client which bothered me a great deal. On occasion, I get inquiries from more than one guy looking to have a massage at the same time. Many, contact me first, through text or email, while others, prefer to call and schedule a session. My protocol is to confirm a session by telephone in which I discuss the massage details, rates and provide my address. The phone discussion also allows for a dialogue and for me to get a sense of the man I am about to see. And, vice-versa.

Recently, I had a situation in which two separate guys had contacted me looking for a massage at the same time. The first interested guy contacted me through email more than an hour before his interest in a massage. In my email reply, I requested he contact me by phone in one hour when I finish with a session so that we may review the details and confirm. An hour later, I received a phone from a different guy who was interested in scheduling a session. After our discussion, he confirmed a massage. Shortly after, the guy who sent the email called requesting a massage for a similar time.

Unfortunately, I had to tell him that I already booked a session with someone else during the time he intended. I asked if another day or time would work for him. He said he would get back to me. I followed up the next day with a text message as I sometimes do. He replied expressing how annoyed he was and felt as if I "dropped him like a hot potato.” He couldn’t understand how someone called minutes after I finished my session and scheduled a massage. I was bothered by this and felt guilty for what had happened and replied to his text apologizing and mentioned that sometimes this situation occurs. I respect his feelings though was deeply puzzled by his seemingly strong reaction as if I had caused him undue harm as this was not a personal rejection. And, it’s never my intention to incite or cause provocation: I am honest and act in a professional manner.

As I continued to reflect upon his unhappiness to my not being able to see him during the time expected, I asked myself: why do I feel bad? Did I do something so terribly wrong and as a result, was told to delete his contact info and never contact him again! I wondered if he expected me to wait for his call and ignore the guy who was ready, willing able to confirm a session before his call.

Most guys would understand and not take it personally. I realize he was angry because someone else scheduled a session in his place. But I would like to point out, massage is how I earn my living. From my experience, it would not be a smart business practice to wait and expect someone to commit to a session as they may intend should someone else show an immediate a bona fide interest.

Case in point: In the past, I scheduled a session with a man with whom I had seen before. However, another guy called and asked for same time. I told the second guy that I already had a session booked for that time but could he instead do a later time? That was the only time he could do. To my dismay, as it turned out, the first guy could not make his intended appointment and canceled. I told him it was quite unfair since I had turned someone else away who also, wanted his prior scheduled time. He then apologized. But unfortunately, I lost out on a session and money. However, there are potential clients who express a particular time but unable to commit but exercise courtesy and say, book a session if someone else is interested. One of my regular clients wrote in a recent text message: If someone else asks for an appointment take it and I’ll do tomorrow :) Which I greatly appreciate and respect.

I only hope that future clients recognize this without taking personal offense. This applies to me, as well. There were times in which I lost out on a client to another masseur even within minutes of being in contact with a guy only to find that they had already booked a session with another masseur. I don’t take it as rejection. It’s not uncommon for things to happen in a New York minute and there are times that we need to act quickly or we lose out on an opportunity in whatever it may be. As I have learned, perhaps it’s wise that we not take it so personally.  And as one guy put it, Life’s too short!

Massage Details:

Now to the massage details which includes an all-inclusive account into my professional massage service and some thought-provoking anecdotes shared by my male clients and encourage you to read further. I created this blog with the sole intention to personalize my male massage service exclusively tailored for men and so that you’ll have a better understanding of what my session entails prior to booking. And also, to share my personal experiences with you and hopefully, you’ll become better acquainted with who I am as a male masseur.

In my 11 years’ experience as a professional massage therapist, men from all over the world have expressed  the need for a legitimate strong massage (not merely a body rub) from a muscular and mature man. And a massage that can also be erotic as well. The need to unwind in a relaxing, full body, professional massage that is highly therapeutic and relieves muscle fatigue and that can also be sensually stimulating!  

My Massage Session:                                                              

My sessions begin with a brief discussion. I will first ask of any current or past medical issues. Specifically, what parts of the body is experiencing pain, stiffness or even fatigue. Many come with muscle stiffness in their neck as a result of long hours sitting in front of a computer while others cite lower back stiffness obtained from frequent flying. During our discussion prior to the massage, I emphasize the importance to detach from all emotional baggage and work related obligations to benefit the most from the massage that is highly therapeutic and very relaxing. If the man is willing and mentally able to detach from his mind, he’ll benefit from the highly therapeutic and relaxing massage. Some men have fallen sleep during the session.  I also, incorporate stretching of the legs, arms and gently massage the neck into the session.  

While on the massage table, the goal is to allow yourself to relax and decompress as I prepare you for the massage starting with a 10 minute warm-up by gently rocking and kneading the body with my big and strong hands. Then, I apply a mild, unscented lotion starting from the neck and gradually work my way down to the toes. Guys have expressed the massage to be either performed while I’m wearing shorts and a tank while others have a preference for more heightened and pleasurable massage one in which I am naked during the session. Whichever option that suits you at a different rate the quality of the massage and technique applied is the same and is not all compromised in any way. For the option of a nude massage includes mutual touching and body contact and manual stimulation of the erogenous areas and a prostate massage for those you enjoy that type erotic stimulation. For those men interested in a prostrate massage to be included, please make sure that you are CLEAN. I would appreciate all men to arrive clean especially for a prostrate massage

My Massage Experience & Technique

My technique is a deep tissue, Swedish massage that involves long, flowing strokes and works muscles to relax tension and promote blood and circulation—a superb combination of relaxation and healing. I also combine the techniques of Reflexology onto the hands and feet where all of the nerve endings are to induce further relaxation.

After extensive years of performing massage, I have intuitively applied my unique technique that results in further relaxation and healing. My self-tailored approach stimulates the entire body from the neck down to the toes and even the erogenous areas as well.  The massage deeply penetrates muscle tissue, while at same time stimulating and releases tension while breaking up “knots” or adhered tissue.

MORE ABOUT ME:

My introduction to massage began over 11 years ago while in Los Angeles where I was a Massage Therapist for select few discriminating hotels. After a year, I returned to New York and began working as a sole practitioner serving male clients privately in my studio. My male clientele originates from the New York metro, nationally and from around the world and many, have become regulars. As a professional masseur, this is my full-time career, and I take great pride in my work and business and earnestly maintaining a high satisfaction rate. How clients feel after the each session that is of utmost importance. Often at times, I follow up with a text asking how my clients are doing and arranging sessions.  I’m a masculine Italian man with a muscular body in my forties.  Possesses strong manly hands that are very large but soothe the body in caressing motion.

A Man’s Unpleasant Experience with Another Masseur

One of-of my male clients had personally shared with me his unfortunate experience that he had with another masseur and would like you to read what he had revealed to me.  Perhaps this may allow you to reflect on a similar experience that you may have had. Also, I have shared some of my personal experiences as well.

A man who had contacted me staying in a hotel at La-Guardia Airport expressed interest in a massage with me. At the time, I was already booked so he selected another masseur who according to him the masseur ended the session abruptly after 20 minutes with the excuse of having to meet a friend outside for a moment.  The masseur asked for the hourly rate of $350 well before completing the massage session but told the client he would be right back. The client gave him the money. I believe this to be unconscionable and very unethical and therefore, would never do this myself!  I am sure you can easily guess the outcome. Not surprisingly, the masseur never returned as promised which sent the client into an emotional tailspin and felt that he had no recourse but to call me for solace.

I was extremely empathetic towards his disconcerting situation. The client was eager to arrange a session with me in the future. However, he had not returned to New York but was very was eager for me to travel to Boston.  I told him, “I only work n the New York.

Also, I have received numerous harassing phone calls from BLOCKED numbers as well as unblocked numbers of various men asking strange questions and at times, unrelated to massage. They would repeatedly call all hours of the day and night with the same set of questions with no serious intentions. Others have called with unusual fantasies explicitly expressing how they would like me to fulfill them. I have no preconceived judgment when it comes to a guy’s particular fantasy no matter how strange they may seem. What puzzles me the most is why I men would contact me after viewing my masseur profile that does not in any way suggest that I would engage in anything other than massage.

Others would call continuously with no purpose other than with an to “get off” on the phone. As a result, I had to call my cell provider and enroll in a  "block number feature" so I could personally block “listed” numbers and all blocked numbers. Now,  I don’t accept/receive block calls and no longer have to wrangle with irritating and harassing unwanted phone calls all hours of the day and night!  

 My Male Clientele:

I have global male clientele from all walks of life some of whom are married, single or partnered. I am very discreet and therefore, who you are or what your sexual orientation has no relevance to me performing a massage. Many of my male clients are discreet and come to me because of my discretion and enjoy the company of a masculine, handsome, well-built man to provide them with a professional, relaxing and therapeutic full body massage.

[angeltriestoblog]

I took an online course!

Hello, and welcome to my first proper post under the #quarantingz tag: a little series where I chronicle all of my virtual endeavors and adventures in the time of COVID-19. Through this, I hope to achieve the following (research paper ka, gh0rl?):

Share what I’m doing with all of you guys, since it’s much easier than messaging and video calling you all one by one to confirm that yes, I am alive despite my inactivity on Messenger;

Hold myself accountable so I strive to find ways to keep myself occupied instead of sinking back into stagnancy;

Inspire you to pick up a hobby or try something out while we’re all cooped up indoors! I’ve seen a lot of my friends post that they’ve been getting so bored that even sleeping seems like a chore to them, but the four walls of your room present more opportunities than you think. Let’s try them out together!

And before anything else, it’s worth mentioning that this pandemic is not a productivity contest and we should not feel pressured into making or being the Next Big Thing. But, I believe there’s nothing wrong in seeking structure for one’s self-improvement if your mental health is up for it!

Ok. [START]

During the early weeks of the pandemic, online classes were still ongoing for students at my university, and needless to say, I was not having it. I was already worried enough about the possibility of contracting a life-threatening virus, and on top of that, I had to decipher lessons I could barely understand in a face-to-face set-up, and submit a paper on it that was worth half my grade. But thankfully my university opted to exercise cura personalis—“care for the entire person”, individualized attention to their needs—towards those who lacked the resources needed to keep up with the demands of e-learning. So, they cancelled the rest of the semester! I was filled with relief because as necessary as it might have been to stay on track, it was not an effective way to facilitate learning and retaining of information.

Which is why it’s kind of ironic that one of the first things I did once I realized I had so much free time on my hands was sign up for an online class. *cricket noises*

A friend had sent me a viral listicle of 500 free Ivy League courses. I guess a lot of people had looked at the indefinite quarantine period available at their disposal as an opportunity to learn something new! And well, I couldn’t help but join along, especially since Harvard was my dream school growing up, and they were offering hundreds of programs for me to choose from. (Sorry, Ateneo. I did say otherwise on my application essay.)

Growing up, I had wanted to be an author-doctor-scientist-rockstar-supermodel. I consistently proclaimed this to anyone with ears, whether they liked it or not, with all the conviction my four-year-old body held inside. I hadn't the faintest idea which degrees I needed to get to make a livelihood out of these childhood fantasies, but I figured that if I was going to be a legendary multi-hyphenate, I’d have to come from the best university in the world. I also remember negotiating with my family members from the States that I would have to live with them while I was finishing my college education, not knowing how far their humble home in Orange Country, California was from Cambridge, Massachusetts. Reality inevitably took over—more like, held the reins on my ambitions—and I had to accept that there were several constraints in place that would keep me from studying there despite my desire to.

Well, that was until I chose to take up a course on rhetoric, the art of persuasive writing and public speaking under HarvardX! I picked this out of the several options because I believe learning to separate logic from emotional appeal helps me analyze an argument better and craft more well-informed decisions—definitely a skill we must have in our toolbox given today’s media landscape that is constantly inundated with fake news.

I was to learn about how arguments are structured and how rhetorical techniques are usually employed by dissecting a number of influential and prominent speeches in American history. I then had to apply these learnings in two major written requirements: an opinion editorial and speech, both on any topic of my choice.  

Every morning for a week and a half, I would wake up as early as 9:00AM—just when some people on my timeline are getting ready to go to sleep—and dive straight into my lessons. I decided to take on a module a day since each was pretty packed with information in the form of readings and videos. More often than not, the flow looked like this:

The transcript of an address by a prominent American figure: examples of which are Former Presidents John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan, as well as Martin Luther King, Jr. I would annotate this with my first impressions, opinions on any lines and ideas that struck me.

The background of the speaker and the context of the speech: This honestly contributed a lot to my understanding and appreciation of the material. Although I’ve heard of most of them through almanacs I’d read as a kid, I never knew the story behind them.

The key concepts of the module: These consisted of terms and examples, as well as how to make use of them properly and to my advantage. Examples of the topics covered were modes of appeal, kinds of reasoning, and logical fallacies (my favorite).

The transcript, again: For the second round, I would have to spot the concepts that were previously taught to me, in action. When I was fully drained of my brain juice, I had the option to view and respond to the comments of my peers, as well as the lecture notes of my virtual professors. I admit I didn’t get to interact with any of my fellow students: majority of them were from different timezones. I would occasionally creep on the forums, look at the replies my peers would leave, and see I was in the presence of people from Brazil, Mexico, the United Kingdom, and Australia.

Videos of actual lectures regarding the reading, held by the professor: This course is an online version of an existing in-person Harvard class called "The Elements of Rhetoric". Probably the best part of the daily lessons, because it felt like I was also sitting in, watching his students recite from the other side of the room.A quiz on the topics discussed: Very easy, and you get two attempts before you submit your final answer so it’s almost always a sure pass.

As I mentioned a while ago, there are two major outputs to be submitted and they involve a lot of writing and preliminary research. (I personally wouldn’t recommend this to you if you don’t derive pleasure from activities of that sort.) In an attempt to shed a light on a timely issue, I wrote my op-ed on the steps the Philippine government must take to rehabilitate our healthcare sector, and my speech on the use of social media as an effective political tool amid a crisis such as this. The last one was a requirement I had done for my Comm subject, which I tweaked for the sake of formality.

The op-ed was subject to self-evaluation: I had to answer questions on whether my submission met the set criteria or not and give proof as to why I thought so. The speech, on the other hand, was graded by two anonymous peers, who gave encouraging remarks and cited points for improvement. Although I knew I gave my best, my final grade was very much dependent on what they thought of my work so I was a bit nervous. Thankfully, everything went well: I got a perfect score on almost every component and secured a certificate of completion (which I had to pay for, but looks great on my Linkedin, if I do say so myself).

Overall, I enjoyed a lot and found the learnings I picked up to be useful. The ideas might seem abstract but the building blocks of rhetoric pepper even the minutiae of our daily conversations, whether we're aware of it or not. All of us engage in discourse and form our stances on issues using emotion, authority, or hard facts. We elaborate on them by stating the general premise then delving into specific examples, or the other way around. Our last resort tends to be a form of character assassination, faulty generalization, or leading question. The list goes on! I don't think I can speak or listen without policing someone in my head!My response towards this experience is a far cry from how I felt towards my required online classes for school, it's true. But, there are several factors that differentiated both of them.

I was able to choose what I wanted to study. No Quantitative Methods or Computer Science being forced down my throat (although I am revisiting my lessons in those respective subjects after I’m done with everything else I want to do, because I remember my parents paid for those). I am free to invest in areas outside the scope of my degree and gain key insight from the most reputable institutions around the world. I have the luxury to study to test something out, to see if it’s simply a hobby or a potential minor/double degree/career trajectory. If I find out after a few sessions that it’s not my cup of tea, I can easily unenroll and move on. Trying to do that in college would lead to disastrous consequences.

Another thing I liked was the freedom I had to go through everything at my own pace, mull over what I wanted to write for as long as I needed to, rewind and go back to parts in the videos that I liked. Additionally, if I wasn’t in the mood to do anything productive on a certain day (it happens to everyone), I could easily do so without the fear of missing out on anything. I know that a handful of courses do require you to stick to a schedule but everything is still within a reasonable time frame.

Now, I understand that several things are chipping away at our (deteriorating) focus right now. It’s hard enough when school demands so much of our energy—I remember my Quant prof had offered to teach us once via Zoom and though if we were only preoccupied with Netflix and trashtalkan groups back then, we collectively decided to ditch him. But, if you’re determined and committed to learning for leisure purposes, here are some tips that helped me hold myself accountable!

Tidy up, both physically and mentally.

Find a workspace that is conducive to learning. In the absence of a desk in a bedroom, the living room couch or the dining table when no one's eating meals are suitable alternatives. As long as there is a constant source of light, little to no noise, and a simple set-up that minimizes the chances of you leaving your work, it should be perfect!

And while we’re on that note, eliminate distractions. I only had my notebook, pen, and correction tape on the table along with my laptop: I made use of the Forest app regularly as well and now I have a nice collection of various shrubs and trees. I even put my phone on top of the cabinet, God knows my sedentary lifestyle keeps me from exerting the effort needed to stand up and reach for it.

If you aren’t sure that you can devote your full attention to the task at hand, get someone you trust to help you! I update my mom that I’ve been studying and fill her in on my progress not only because I am naturally predisposed to telling her everything going on my life, but also so she can help keep me on the right track and ensure I do my work.

Take it seriously.

Allot a specific time of the day for it. That way, it’s easier to integrate it into your routine and stop you from bailing halfway. For me, it's not advisable to go at it early in the morning, because your mind won't be ready to process anything of that scale. But, it has to be one of the first tasks of the day so you can avoid putting it off in favor of whatever your subconscious feels is more interesting.

Take notes when needed, complete the assigned activities seriously without consulting other sources, and participate in the forums as a substitute for recitation! Be the star student you wanted to be, but were probably too shy to turn into for the fear of being smart-shamed by your peers!

Try to see the purpose in what you’re doing.

In my case, it gave me the motivation to finish it so I could apply it in real-life situations and make the necessary changes in my behavior and habits.

This definitely isn’t the last online course I’m taking: as a matter of fact, I have a couple lined up! I’m currently working my way through something on strategic planning by this website called Culture and Creativity. Although the material has been tailor-fit to address the social and economic development of countries in Eastern Europe, the concepts can easily be utilized in local contexts. Here’s a list of other programs that caught my eye while I was browsing the different catalogs across other platforms.

Investor Pitching Course for Creative Businesses | Culture and Creativity

Applied Psychology: Introduction to Consumer Behavior | Alison Courses

Marketing Analytics | edX

Transformational Leadership | Alison Courses

Global Trends for Business and Society | Class Central

Wishing you all the love and light the world can offer at a time that can be as apathetic and dark as this one. Wash your hands, pray for our frontliners, and check your privilege!

[fernwehbookworm]

Woke The F*ck Up- Chapter 16

March 2nd, 2018

“What’s with the piano?” Kara asks as she sits down on the couch.

“Lena requested it for this session.” Dr. Hamilton said. Lena was already curled up in the chair and looking sheepish.

“It's for later, maybe.”

“Okay.” Kara shrugs and settles into the couch.

“So…” Lena says.

“Look this is all very awkward to start. But Lena, I am done avoiding the truth or making excuses. I know I was wrong by not telling you. I also know I am still pretty hurt by what happened with Veronica. I miss you. I miss us. If you want to be just friends, that's fine. But then we have to be real friends, not like the ex’s that say they will be friends and never talk except if they happen to be in the same room. I want you in my life.”

A small smile graces Lena’s lips and she seems to unfold a little. With a deep breath, Lena sets both feet on the ground and Leans forward.

“I’m glad to hear that. You know I’ve never been good with words, well talking. That’s what my music is for.” Lena stands and heads to the small upright that had been wheeled into the therapist's office.

Kara takes in a sharp breath. She had managed to avoid Lena’s music since the break-up. She had avoided her favorite voice. Kara still wakes up half expecting to be in a hotel room somewhere, Lena strumming a guitar softly across the room, a pen clenched between teeth and her notebook perched precariously on a knee. Kara loved waking up to that. She captured it over and over again in different sketchbooks. Lena starts to play.

Give me a second light I haven't smiled since yesterday

If I need to I can pay, but lemme hold this till I feel ok

Since you burned me at the stake, all of my feelings went away

There's no feelings in my way, at least there's no feelings in my way

I was there when you were blind to everything that I could see I'll pretend that it's just me, but maybe really it's just me I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finally What if you were the one for me? I hope you weren't the one for me

And I know this I can't read it right, between the fights I still need you And I know this I fell for your eyes, I just realized I still need you I still need you

Give me 'til twenty-three, I need another year for this Trying to teach my common sense to not waiver with my confidence Traded my soul to free my mind, car mix to help me pass the time Can I go back to being blind Asked myself why one too many times

And I know this I can't read it right, between the fights I still need you And I know this I fell for your eyes, I just realized I still need you I still need you

I tried to say thank you, but I don't know if you heard me I know it wasn't your plan, to just be the one to hurt me My thoughts versus my feelings, my thoughts on you hit the ceiling But my feelings aren't a real thing If I feel things I don't really discern

And I know this I can't read it right, between the fights I still need you And I know this I fell for your eyes, I just realized I still need you

And I know this I can't read it right, between the fights I still need you And I know this I fell for your eyes, I just realized I still need you

Kara feels her eyes prick with tears as she listens to the words and the emotions behind them. As the notes draw to a close, Lena stills and takes a deep breath, she turns back to Kara.

“I started that song a while ago but I wasn’t able to finish it until after our last session. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I feel the same. I want to work things out between us, despite everything, or maybe because of it. I don’t know. I don’t know if I need you like I used to feel I did. But I want you in my life. So, I hope we can work through this, together.”

Kara grins in a way that Lena had missed so much. Lena smiles back and she feels the connection again she used to share with the beautiful blonde.

“Wonderful. Now I have a few exercises I want you two to do to build trust. I want this to be a slow process. No romantic interactions. This is about building a friendship that will carry you through a romantic relationship if you choose to move past it. Are you two ready?”

Both women nod and turn back to the doctor to listen to what they need to do.

**

March 5th, 2018

Lena laid curled in her hotel bed after another session. It was long and emotionally draining. She was trying to focus on her book but her thoughts were scattered. She knew the therapy was helping, but being in close proximity to Kara for two hours kept sending her emotions on a roller coaster. She would have this hate curling in her stomach remembering the lies but then the guilt in her reaction to the lies. Then Kara would look at her with those blue eyes and Lena would forget everything and just want to lean in and kiss her. With an exasperated sigh she throws her book down beside her and picks up the room phone with the intention of ordering a scotch. Instead, there's a knock on the door. Lena gets up and peeps through the hole. With a small squeal, she opens the door in a hurry, only to be almost tackled by a growing preteen with a hug.

“Sam! Ruby! What are you doing here?” Lena exclaims.

“What are we doing here? Lena, you were kidnapped by a terrorist organization. Of course, we came.”

Lena pulls Sam into the hug with Ruby before bringing them into the room. They sit in the living area, Sam and Ruby squish Lena between the two of them on the couch as Lena tells them what happened. She even tells them about trying to work things out with Kara. She leaves out the vigilante part and side steps Sams’ questions about Kara’s reasons for missing flights.

“Is this what you want then? To stay here, with her?” Sam asks. Ruby had enough of the group cuddle and had gone down to the hotel’s entertainment room with Lena’s key card that gave her free access to the arcade games.

“I don’t know. I know I don’t want to leave you and Ruby. You are my family. But also, Sam, I love her. I know that despite everything I am deeply in love with her and I don’t think I can let her out of my life again.”

“So are you two getting back together?”

“No. Not yet at least. Dr. Hamilton has us working on building a friendship first. Trust building exercises, bonding sessions, a bunch of cheesy stuff that makes me want to cringe but does help.”

“So how do you plan on being real friends with Kara if all your interactions are in a therapist office?”

“Well, Kara invited me to join her and her friends for game night tonight.” Lena bites her lip nervously and doesn't look at her friend. This meeting was one of the few things that had her mind scattered all day. Kara had asked her to come right after the meeting. Lena was trying not to call Kara and cancel. Sam studies Lena with that ever knowing look that seems to always know what Lena is really thinking.

“Okay. I’m going with you.” Lena’s head snaps up at Sam’s statement.

“What? Sam, no. You don’t have to do that.”

“I wasn’t offering. I am going. It’s time I meet this woman who significantly altered your life and caused me to have to start driving ruby to Karate classes.”

“What about Ruby?”

“I lock her in a luxurious hotel room with room service and a bodyguard on the door. She’ll be fine.” Sam shrugs off her friend's worries.

“I love you, you know.”

“I know, I’m the best.”

Lena rolls her eyes and hugs Sam close before texting Kara that she had a friend coming with her.

“Alex, Dr. Hamilton says we have to spend time together outside the office. We are supposed to be working on being friends. So please, just drop it.”

“I just don’t understand why that means she has to come to game night. Or why you have to be friends. You could have just walked away from this. Why are we doing this all over again?”

Kara sets down the bowl of popcorn on the counter a little too hard. She sighs in exasperation feeling the fight with her sister just bubbling under the surface.

“We aren’t doing it all over again. Lena and I have been working through our issues. We have been building trust and that requires friendship. Game night is where my friends come to bond and gain trust with each other.”

“Won't she feel a little, I don't know, singled out? I mean no one here is her biggest fan at the moment.”

“She texted me. She apparently has a friend coming with her.” Alex pauses in surprise as she gets out chips for the growing buffet of snacks.

“I thought she didn't have friends, no offense.”

“Well, apparently she and her new producer hit it off. They became friends and Lena is now living with her and her daughter. I'm guessing they came to make sure Lena was okay after the kidnapping.” Kara shrugs as she continues to place drinks and cups out.

“Well, this should be interesting,” Alex mutters, she runs her hand through her hair as she pulls a beer from the fridge and pops the top as someone knocks on the door. Alex was still getting used to her new haircut. She nearly cut it all off after her break up with Maggie, shaving one side while leaving the other long. Kara liked it on her but Alex was still a little self-conscious about it.

It's Winn at the door carrying a stack of games. James follows a few minutes later with an equally tall stack of pizzas. They are laughing and talking by the time the next knock comes. Instantly Kara feels nervous and her palms feel clammy. The others knew Lena was coming and the only one not unhappy was Winn, who Kara was convinced couldn't dislike anyone. Kara stands slowly and feels a little shaky going to open the door. She opens it and immediately finds those green eyes, tight with worry just like she knows hers are. But just as fast as Kara registers it, Lena relaxes.

“Hey,” Kara says softly.

“Hi,” Lena replies; after a few heartbeats there is throat being cleared next to them. Both women startle and Lena seems to find herself first.

“Right. Kara this is Sam. Sam, Kara.” Lena gestures between the two.

“Hi, I'm so glad to finally meet you, Sam.”

“Well we did have plans to meet sooner, but that didn't quite work out.” Sam holds her hand out to a scarlet Kara to shake while pointedly ignoring Lena's glare.  Kara laughs nervously.

“Right. Well, I'm glad you found Alex's apartment. I'm kind of in between places at the moment so she has graciously stepped up to host.”

Sam raises an eyebrow at Lena before stepping through the door. Lena shakes her head and follows close behind as Kara shuts it. Kara hurries past the two women to introduce them to everyone else.

“Everyone, you remember Lena, and this is her friend Sam. Sam, this is James, Winn, and my sister, Alex.” Kara points to each in turn. Sam nods to all of them with a soft ‘Hi.’ Her eyes linger on Alex before taking a seat opposite the couch on the chairs pulled over from the dining table. Lena sits next to her while Kara pours Lena some of her favorite scotch that she did not buy on purpose but just happened to be one of Alex’s favorite also so Kara just happened to give it to Alex yesterday.

“Sam, would you like something to drink?” Kara offers as she hands Lena the glass.

“Red if you have it. If not the scotch is fine.”

“Red coming up,” Kara says, wanting to impress Lena’s best friend who Kara had discovered through their therapy sessions had become a very important person in her life. After an awkward silence as Kara opens the wine bottle, Winn blessedly pipes up.

“All right, game time. Board game? Card game? We have Settlers of Catan, or Cards Against Humanity, maybe Phase 10, or we could go Charades or Fishbowl.” Alex and James exchange glances at Winn’s rambling. Sam and Lena do the same.

“Okay the only ones I know there are Charades and Phase 10, thank you, Ruby.” Lena says and Sam laughs. Winn pulls out the Phase 10 cards and begins to shuffle.

“Who is Ruby?” James asks.

“My daughter. She loves games, or she did. She has hit the teenage angst a little early so wanting to hang out with her mom and Aunt Lena comes and goes.”

“Aunt?” Alex raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, it’s easier than ‘My moms famous best friend who lives with us and sometimes drives me to different school functions.’ But it was all Ruby’s idea. Honestly, how could I say no when she asked?” Lena says, a soft smile on her lips as she fondly thinks of the ten-year-old. Kara makes her way back to the group and hands Sam the glass before sitting next to her sister.

“Where is Ruby? I assume you didn’t leave her in London.” Kara asks.

“She is locked in a hotel room with access to room service and cable. She’s fine.” Sam waves her off.

“No father?” Alex asks as Winn starts dealing the cards.

“No. It’s always just been Ruby and I. Now Lena.” Sam says. She picks up her hand and begins sorting through the cards.

Idle chatter continues through the game. Mostly about jobs and hobbies. Kara was telling Sam and Lena about her gym. It was going very well, Kara had recently hired on three more trainers to handle the larger numbers of members. All in all it was going pretty well in Kara’s opinion, despite a few harsh looks off Sam but Kara saw Alex do the same to Lena. A break comes as the finish the game, Sam winning, and the guys go to grab more food and Alex and Sam go to get more to drink. Kara meets Lena’s eyes across the coffee table.

“Thank you for coming,” Kara says.

“I’m glad I did. I almost canceled.” Lena says softly, playing with her drink glass.

“Well, I think it’s going well. I like Sam. I’m glad she came.”

“She surprised me. That’s for sure. But I guess I should have known she would get here as soon as she could. Sam has been there for me since we met. Then she was adamant in coming here tonight. She doesn't like... this. ” Lena gestures between the two of them.

“So you didn’t tell her?” Kara asks, trying to keep her voice neutral.

“About your extracurriculars? No. I figured that was your secret to tell.” Kara smiles at Lena.

“I appreciate it. But, I don’t want you to have to lie to her. If you want you can tell her.”

Lena opens her mouth to say something but Winn and James come back into the room laughing and munching on pizza. Alex and Sam follow closely behind and the set about picking a new game. The night continues on until Sam decides it's time to leave to make sure Ruby actually goes to bed at a decent hour and Lena leaves with her. The remaining four play one more game of euchre before calling it a night. The guys splitting a cab while Kara collapses on her sister's couch. Alex comes over and kisses her forehead.

“If she makes you happy, then I'll try,” Alex says softly.

“Thank you,” Kara whispers back. Alex spreads a blanket over her sleepy sister before making her way to her own bed.

**

March 7th, 2018

Lena knocks on Sam's door and waits to be let in. Ruby opens the door, dispenses a quick hug before brushing past, on her way to the pool Lena assumes from the town tucked under her arm. Lena kicks off her shoes just inside the door and drops her jacket a few steps later. She drags herself to the bed where Sam is propped against the headboard reading. Lena crawls up next to her, wrapping an arm around Sam's slim waist and pulling herself close. Sam's hand immediately runs her fingers through Lena's hair. She finishes her page before putting the book down.

“Hey, pretty lady. What's wrong?”

“Just therapy. I didn't realize how hard it would be. I mean I knew it would be hard but it's just so emotionally draining.” Lena buries her face in her friend's side.

“You know, you don't have to do this. We could just go home.” Sam continues to stroke Lena's hair.

“But I think I do. It's just so hard getting over that anger that I held on to for so long. And Kara is still hurt by my own actions. But I really think we are making progress.”

“Did she ever tell you why? I mean, what could keep her from missing all those free flights to see her girlfriend?”

“Yes. She told me.” Lena worries her bottom lip. Kara said Lena could tell Sam but it still felt a little wrong.

“And?” Sam asks, hand pausing its soothing touch.

“And… well, I guess I don't know how to tell you.” Lena sits up next to Sam as she searches for the words. Sam just looks at her and waits in a way only a mom could.

“Kara was… is, doing something kind of illegal. Not that it's bad. It's just something that if you knew would make you liable and I just don't know if I want that for you.”

“Lena. If Kara is going to be in your life, then she's in Ruby's and I need to know.”

“Right. Well…” Lena tries to swallow but her mouth is suddenly dry.

“Kara is Power Girl.”

Confusion washes over Sam's features as she tries to process the words.

“I'm sorry. What? Did you just say that that sweet woman who loves to play board games with her friends goes around beating up criminals and avoiding arrest.”

“And her friends help her with it.”

“So every cancellation was because…”

“Of my mother. Kara has been trying to stop Cadmus since before we met. Before she even knew the name of the terrorist group. And that last cancellation, remember how I told you she showed up, arm in a sling, face black and blue? That was when she figured out my mother was heading the organization and tried to stop her, but she was beaten so badly she fell unconscious for several days. That was when my mother's actions were leaked to Clark Kent and my brother was arrested.”

“Wow… and you never suspected?”

“No. She told me that when we were together she wouldn't go out because she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. Except for one time, before James knew, he was kidnapped. Kara had to rescue him. She came back really early in the morning but she told me James just wanted someone with him on a steak out.”

“But the whole time she was lying. Even after you told her your secret,” Sam states, distaste clear in her voice.

“Yes. Which has been one of our issues in therapy. I think she did it for the right reasons, or at least she thinks she did. I mean, it is illegal. She could go to jail if she is ever caught. They all could.”

“All? Even Alex, the federal agent?”

“From what I understand, Alex knows and so does the branch if government she works for but they won't interfere. And they won't help if they get caught. Kara and Alex have been working together to catch my mother.”

“So it was Kara that saved you from your mother then.”

“Yes.”

“Why did your mother take you? And how.”

“I believe my assistant that took Jess’ place was actually an agent of my mother, sent to spy in me and help my mother kidnap me. But since my brother's arrest, Cadmus no longer has the funding they used to. It has limited Lillian in what she could do. So when I rushed here after the art auction to try and see Kara, she seized the opportunity. My new life insurance would have paid out the ransom to her for my safe release, it was the same one Lex had, so she knew about it. But she also wants to kill Kara for her interference so she was also hoping that my kidnapping would lure Kara into a trap. What my mother didn't know is that Kara isn't alone in wanting to capture her so whatever secret government organization Alex works for also helped. And that's how I found out. I refused to in danger Power Girl by going with her but then Kara told me who she was.”

Sam sits silently for a few minutes, processing all the information Lena spewed out in a rush.

“Was she ever going to tell you?”

“I think so. When my tour ended she said she had something to show me. And she wanted me to meet her mom. And then apparently when she showed up after I broke up with her, she was going to come clean in hopes I would understand, but then she caught me with Veronica and she left.”

“Why did she leave? I mean you were broken up technically so why didn't she still try to win you back.”

“Her last boyfriend cheated on her. So me sleeping with someone hours after I broke up with her over the phone hit a little too close that. And in that moment she decided she couldn't trust me with that secret since I had 'moved on so fast.’”

“Wow. That's a lot of baggage between the two of you.” Lena laughs a little bitterly.

“Yeah, it is. Hence the therapy. She was already going to one who has signed so many NDA's that I don't think my lawyers could do any better.”

The pair of friends sit silently in the bed for a few minutes, just enjoying each other's company.

“Just be sure of what you want, okay? You will always be a part of this family, but I don't want you coming and going and doing an on again off again relationship. You are big influence in my daughter's life, and that is something you chose, so please, I need you to have your shit figured out for my daughter.” Sam laces her fingers in Lena's.

“Of course, Sam.”

[tamboradventure]

How to Stay Fit and Healthy on the Road

Updated: 12/26/19 | December 26th, 2019

I’m not a healthy guy. OK, I am a very healthy guy when I am home in my apartment with my juicer, kitchen, and nearby Whole Foods. On the road, it’s another story.

Even with the high expectations and goals I set for myself a few years ago, I’ve failed at maintaining a healthier lifestyle on the road. While I make more health-conscious decisions, I still go out too much, never sleep, and stuff my face with pizza because it is convenient.

To try to change that, I met up with my friend Steve Kamb, the legend behind Nerd Fitness, a site dedicated to helping nerds stay fit. Steve travels a lot too and he knows how to balance life on the road with staying in shape.

We sat down together to talk about all things fitness and travel. Here are Steve’s top tips for staying healthy and in shape while traveling.

My Interview with Steve

For more travel and fitness advice, here’s an interview with Steve I did a few years ago. It’s full of helpful tips and advice and expands on many of the points above.

If you really want to learn how to stay in shape (both at home and abroad), watch this video!

7 Tips for Staying In Shape While Traveling

1. Make Healthy Living on the Road a Priority! Yes, you DO have time to exercise; you just need to make time for it. You can complete a workout in 20 minutes in your hotel room or hostel using basic exercises — and you don’t need any equipment!

Here are some simple and effective exercises you can do in your hotel, hostel, or even just a nearby park:

Jumping jacks

Push-ups

Sit-ups

Burpees

Lunges

Squats

Stretching/yoga

Even just 5 minutes of these exercises will have you sweating. And you can literally do these exercises anywhere too. Where there’s a will, there’s a way!

2. Walking for the Win! Do everything you can to walk as often as possible. There’s no better way to explore a city than on foot. You get to take in a lot more of the local life and it’s much easier to get away from the crowds this way. Plus, it’s cheaper than taking a taxi or paying for a bus ticket.

If just exploring at random isn’t exciting, sign up for a walking tour. Most cities will offer free walking tours that usually last between 1-3 hours. Not only will you get an insightful introduction to your location but you’ll get in a lot of steps too!

3. Playgrounds and Parks Check Google Maps for a nearby park and walk over there for your workouts. Many parks have equipment you can use to work out with, though if they don’t you can do pull-ups on swing sets or tree branches. Get creative!

Also, check websites like meetup.com for regular workout groups. Most cities have running clubs that host weekly runs, yoga sessions in the park, tai chi, and other sports/activities. Check around to see if there is anything nearby that piques your interest and will help you stay active.

Don’t be afraid to try new things, either! Plogging (jogging and picking up trash), slacklining, tumbling, parkour — there are tons of unique options to be found if you spend a little time looking.

4. Diet is 80% of the Battle As a budget traveler, chances are you’re working hard to lower your food budget. That likely means that you’re not eating well. Consider upping your food budget (even slightly) so you can eat healthier.

Get some protein and veggies in your diet! Don’t be afraid to do a healthy “family dinner” with hostel mates where you all split the cost. You can also try changing up your diet to better suit the local options. That way, you’ll be eating more fresh produce while supporting the local economy.

You can also make more drastic changes to your diet as well. It’s never been easier to travel with a plant-based diet and still stay healthy and energetic.

That doesn’t mean you need to cut out all the junk or cheap drinks. But your diet is the most important component when it comes to health and fitness. Invest in it!

5. Do the Best You Can If you only have 10 minutes to exercise, exercise for 10 minutes! Every little bit adds up, and 10 minutes is better than nothing. If you have to eat poorly at the train station, make up for it the next day.

At the end of the day, it’s all about progress. Not perfection. Do your best. Lay the groundwork for better habits. Nothing happens overnight, but every step in the right direction will help you reach your goal.

6. Employ the “Never 2” Rule If you miss a day of exercise for whatever reason, don’t allow yourself to miss two days in a row. If you eat one bad meal, that next meal should be healthy. Never two in a row.

By employing the “Never 2” rule you’ll be able to prevent bad habits from taking hold. The odd day off or cheat meal? No problem. But when it comes to staying in shape, consistency is key. Try to keep your momentum going. You’ll see results much quicker that way, which will encourage you to stay on track.

7. Have Fun! Don’t be afraid to have late nights with friends or say yes to crazy adventures. After all, that’s why we travel!

Just make sure you get right back on track as soon as possible afterward so you don’t lose the momentum you’ve built up. While it might seem challenging to balance fun and fitness, it just takes a little practice and effort. Once you get the habit in place, you’ll wonder why you didn’t start sooner!

****

For more fitness tips and information, check out Nerd Fitness. It’s a great resource for travelers and non-travelers alike who want to get fit and have fun doing so!

Book Your Trip: Logistical Tips and Tricks

Book Your Flight Find a cheap flight by using Skyscanner or Momondo. They are my two favorite search engines because they search websites and airlines around the globe so you always know no stone is left unturned.

Book Your Accommodation You can book your hostel with Hostelworld as they have the largest inventory. If you want to stay somewhere other than a hostel, use Booking.com as they consistently return the cheapest rates for guesthouses and cheap hotels. I use them all the time.

Don’t Forget Travel Insurance Travel insurance will protect you against illness, injury, theft, and cancellations. It’s comprehensive protection in case anything goes wrong. I never go on a trip without it as I’ve had to use it many times in the past. I’ve been using World Nomads for ten years. My favorite companies that offer the best service and value are:

World Nomads (for everyone below 70)

Insure My Trip (for those over 70)

Looking for the best companies to save money with? Check out my resource page for the best companies to use when you travel! I list all the ones I use to save money when I travel – and that will save you time and money too!

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